3:40 PM 10/20/2016
I just got over to the YMCA to take a shower. I feel much better. I still have too many things to do now though and I don’t think I will get many of them done.
6:40 AM 10/20/2016
I bought these tiny one ounce containers of a couple different kinds of fats, and I’m testing them. I have a different approach to the Weston Price diet than a lot of people have. I don’t believe that it’s completely, 100%, word-for-word the gospel truth, but yet, I agree with the general idea of it. And there are grains of truth in the mainstream medicine’s belief that saturated animal fats are bad for you. There are grains of truth on both sides of the argument, and I am testing these fats myself to see how I react to them, partly because I have actually had bad experiences with animal fats in the past.
When I was a kid I was put on the Feingold Diet for hyperactivity. My mom said it worked, and I was aware of it for my whole life, even after we stopped using it – every once in a while she would tell me the story of how I absolutely would never sleep at night, I would fight like a demon, I would scream, I would push the door open while she pushed it shut. The night that she put me on the diet, I instantly went to bed without a fuss, and did the same forever after as long as I was on the diet.
I got into the diet again as an adult, finding it on the internet and ordering their reading materials. I got into the mindset of observing my own symptoms after they happen, instead of waiting for scientific studies to tell me what was true or false. I noticed that many symptoms can be observed on the very day when you eat a food, and for me, that includes animal fats.
I was eating those little snack sausages, from the grocery store, the ones that usually come with little blocks of cheese and maybe with mustard. I really love them. But when I was eating them, later in the day I would feel like I was having heart attacks. This isn’t something that happens gradually after you’ve been eating animal fat for 20 years. It is something that happens on the very same day that you eat the animal fat.
I have a theory that might explain some of what the Weston Price people and others on the internet have observed. Maybe you have problems when you *alternate* between different types of fat. Maybe if you have been eating nothing but vegetable oil for a long time, and your body has struggled to use this inferior type of fat, and has integrated it into all the tissues, and then suddenly, one day, you eat the kind of fat that your body actually wants, saturated animal fat, maybe (according to my theory) your body might suddenly release and replace all that bad vegetable oil in the tissues, and put the desirable animal fats in their places. So then, perhaps, you suddenly have big clots of released vegetable oils floating around in your bloodstream or something.
That was only a theory I made up. I still don’t know. I know that my liver doesn’t produce much bile, and I have clay colored stools. Bile is needed to dissolve fat. My fats are being poorly absorbed and they might not have enough bile along with them. Maybe the fat is going into my intestinal wall without bile attached to it. Maybe fat that isn’t dissolved in bile is more dangerous than fat that is properly dissolved in bile. People with Weston Price deformities also have deformities in their internal organs (although nobody has ever talked about this much, I’m just taking the concept farther than they usually do), which means that they will have narrower blood vessels and narrower everything, narrow vessels in the liver, narrower tubes that the bile goes through. These narrow tubes cause problems. My dad said he thought he had high blood pressure because of a narrow, constricted artery in the kidney.
The Weston Price deformities are caused by more factors than just malnutrition. It is malnutrition (eating nothing but processed food, processed flour, processed sugar, instead of whole foods) combined with exposure to chemicals and drugs. Some of the chemicals come from canned food, or food made in factories. Some of the drugs brought to the primitive societies that corrupted them were tobacco, alcohol, and caffeine. Those drugs cause major deformities which are extremely commonplace – they’re everywhere, on almost everyone.
So, anyway, these narrow tubes, and narrow blood vessels, and lack of bile, might be part of the reason why animal fats aren’t always good for us. If we have properly functioning organs and blood vessels, we might be able to dissolve and digest fats properly, and don’t have any problems from them. Badly deformed bodies have more health problems from all causes.
Again, all of this is my own theory. I’m taking bits of what they have said, and kind of extrapolating something that might be true.
I do notice symptoms from the rosemary extract added to the
unsaturated animal fats that I purchased. The saturated ones don’t have rosemary added to them because they don’t oxidize. I was barely even able to eat the little finger swipe of saturated beef tallow that I tested. It would not dissolve in my mouth no matter what. I had to chew it. I also licked a small bit of leaf lard (fat from around the kidneys), which does have rosemary added to it. Note: not all producers are adding rosemary. It’s just this particular company. I compromised on a couple things so that I could buy extremely small bottles of the fats and test a couple different kinds. Fatworks sells these ‘tiny tallows,’ which are one ounce jars of fat so that you can test them in a recipe and try lots of different kinds.
So, I felt my blood pressure rising afterwards from the rosemary. I have felt the same sensation before from eating rosemary all by itself, so it wasn’t caused by eating the fat.
It was later in the day that I felt a weird sensation. I have noticed this before. I might not notice anything when I first eat something, but hours later, when it gets into my intestines, perhaps my lower intestine, the large intestine, it starts to get absorbed and that’s the moment when I start to feel symptoms. I felt like I was having a stroke or about to pass out. I was sort of dizzy or lightheaded. It’s a very specific, very unique sensation that I have felt before and it comes from eating animal fats.
This is the reason why I am testing. I want to see if this sensation stops happening over time, according to my theory that the body might be replacing bad fats in the body with good ones.
The reason why I would question the mainstream medicine’s belief that animal fat is bad for you is because I agree with the *principle*, the *concept*, of the Weston Price diet. Primitive cultures really are much healthier than we are, and they live longer and have no chronic diseases. They are happier and stronger. They are less deformed. They have no obesity.
Obesity is caused by exposure to cadmium early in life. There are many other causes of it, but this is one of the big causes. Cadmium is in rice. Baby food is made of rice. If you give your child rice baby food, you may be poisoning it with cadmium, which will cause lifelong obesity. I cannot test this myself. I’m only reading things and finding out about them. I have been interested in the phenomenon of obesity for decades, as I noticed, long ago, many fat people were starving themselves and barely eating anything at all, while the thin person sitting next to them could eat anything they wanted. It was obvious to me that obesity wasn’t caused by ‘eating too much.’ So I spent the last few decades always paying attention to any information that I would read or hear about the true causes of obesity. It begins early in life, and it’s not your fault and it’s not under your control. However, drug-induced obesity happens in adulthood when you take the drugs, and that’s a different phenomenon. A huge number of prescription drugs cause obesity, sometimes very severe (hundreds of pounds of weight gain caused by schizophrenia drugs, for instance).
I started getting fat working at Kaarma, where I was eating a lot of rice. I never eat much rice, and when I do, I buy organic, but this is only if I live in a house and have my own kitchen and am preparing my own food every day. Organic rice can still have cadmium in it if the soil where it is grown is still contaminated with cadmium, but it will have less because at least it isn’t being constantly added to the rice in pesticides and herbicides and fertilizers (and yes, organic farmers are still allowed to use some chemicals – somebody mentioned this the other day).
Organic – a tangent I wanted to talk about. I have these two avocado plants that I grew, which are at the Black Bear Lane house (and I need to go check on them). I have them there because they cannot be allowed to freeze.
One was grown from a non-organic, conventional avocado seed. That avocado seed was much larger. The plant itself grew much taller. However, it is full of holes because insects were constantly eating it. Non-organic plants grow larger but are weaker. They use the idea that if it’s bigger and more brightly colored, it’s better, but they ignore the internal functioning and the internal health of the plant, which is supported by trace minerals that are absent in the soil of non-organic plants. So they choose the particular minerals that cause a plant to grow taller, and to look greener (phosphorus makes it look green, if I recall). But they ignore all the other trace minerals whose effects are less obvious. Those effects that they ignore are: the plant’s ability to defend itself against insects. Apparently, that particular strength comes from trace minerals.
The organic avocado seed was smaller. I don’t know if it was a different breed of avocado, so that could be the cause. The plant that grew from this seed also was shorter and grew slower. However, it has absolutely no holes from insects biting on the leaves. Apparently, a seed that comes from an organic plant has benefits which last for a lifetime into the next generation, epigenetic effects. I do not know the cause.
It was an interesting and unintentional experiment. I didn’t do this experiment on purpose. I just happened to buy non-organic avocados one time, and organic avocados another time, and tried to plant all the seeds (which requires scraping off all the skin from the seed, because the skin contains a seed inhibitor chemical that stops it from sprouting).
I started to get fatter while I was working at Kaarma, and I theorized that eating too much rice might be the cause, because of the large amount of cadmium in non-organic rice. It was only a theory. I don’t actually know what’s causing it. I can’t do enough testing because I don’t have a kitchen.
For the last few months, I wasn’t cooking at home at all, because it was actually many months ago that Mike Young told me to leave the house because his nephew was coming over to stay while going to Penn State (this ended up not really happening – he stayed a couple days, then went somewhere else, so I was allowed to stay). I threw out all my food in the fridge and freezer, attempting to get out of the house, and I put all my pots and pans in the tent and all my belongings there with them. I stopped buying groceries to cook at home, because I was expecting to move out any day and didn’t want to waste any more food. I also didn’t have enough room, because the people there were spreading out into my space. I hate that. I hate sharing a fridge and freezer, especially with people who fill it with garbage and don’t clean it out. They had hundreds of sauce bottles with a tiny bit of sauce left that nobody ever used, and if only they got rid of all that, there would be tons of space in the fridge. They have TONS of stuff nobody eats just sitting there forever wasting space, so I had no space. I NEED MY OWN GODDAMN FRIDGE.
So I spent many months eating nothing but restaurant foods and food from Kaarma. I hate eating that way. Nobody can prepare food the way I want it, and nobody can do the testing that I want to do with foods. I want to test all of the Weston Price diets and the organic foods and special unfamiliar foods and hunting and foraging. I am always testing foods, if only I have enough time. Constant testing is my way of life. It is something I enjoy. It provides constant novelty.
But, I haven’t been able to troubleshoot this nagging fatness and get rid of it. I just don’t have enough control over my foods and my lifestyle. It is extremely frustrating. I cannot simply starve myself while I am working at a job, either, and I don’t believe that starvation is the way. If you are starving, if it hurts, then you’re doing it wrong. That’s usually my approach to things.
The one exception was quitting caffeine. That could only be done by brute force, and I had to just ignore the pain. The only incentive strong enough to make me do this was pregnancy. I stopped cold turkey on the very day when I first had sex with Agustin, in August this year. That was because unprotected sex was a surprise. I didn’t know that he would just go in without a condom, and I expected him to pull out before orgasm like everyone else does. Nope! I did not fight or protest against this at all, in fact, I embraced it and I was delighted with this. Suddenly semen became the most fascinating thing on earth. I obsevered all of the symptoms that it triggered in my body, and, like I said, I stopped caffeine cold turkey on that very day, and never had it again since then, because I don’t want to harm my baby. Even though I’m not pregnant, I’m still trying as hard as I can to stay off it, although it is extremely hard sometimes.
I didn’t get pregnant on that first try, because I was too far past ovulation. There were no symptoms of pregnancy. There was only a 24 hour period during which I had symptoms directly caused by semen, and only by semen, because semen contains substances that affect the female body. After that 24 hour period, nothing happened at all that first month.
It was only the second month that I got pregnant at all. I had sex with him before ovulation. We only had sex these two times before he left me. He said he was moving away, going to West Virginia. These Guatemalans move all over the country looking for jobs, and he wasn’t in love with me and didn’t want to stay with me forever, so he just left, very coldly. So, we only had sex twice, although the second time was actually two times – he had sex again with me after his first orgasm, after a few minutes went by, although he didn’t ejaculate a second time.
That was the time when I did get pregnant. I was pregnant for only a few days, and I noticed all the symptoms. I was having strange dreams at night. I was feeling like I was going to throw up. I had blood sugar problems when I didn’t eat constantly at work. I had blood sugar problems when I took too long walking around shopping at Wal-Mart. I was having hormone floods when the egg was fertilized and it sent out a signal that I was able to feel through my whole body. I had a super intensified sense of smell, but sadly that only lasted a few hours.
Then, the baby passed away for unknown reasons – maybe because I took a hot bath, maybe because I ate ginger for the nausea, maybe because I ate soft cheese that day and it had too much penicillin in it, I don’t know (it isn’t the listeria that’s the problem, it’s the penicillin and antibiotics that cause abortions). I can only guess why the baby died. All the symptoms went away. My period was over a week late, because I was miscarrying.
Then I finally got my period. And Agustin was gone. No more chances to test my fertility with him. But testing my fertility was the most fascinating and wonderful thing I ever got to do in my life. I had decided that I would get pregnant even though I did not have the proper diet or the proper lifestyle, even though I was not healthy and the baby would not be healthy, even though I had no financial power and would always be poor because my whole life is a disaster and it would continue to be a disaster – I decided to just get pregnant anyway. It was the most wonderful thing.
So I went all this time without Agustin, letting him go. That was why I was so desperate to get a new crush as soon as I could. I almost always have a crush on somebody. It is impossible not to. The crush will always be on whoever is convenient, even if they are not ideal and not a true soulmate or socionic dual. There are no socionic duals anywhere. I believe now Mike and Myro at Maki Yaki are semi-duals: ISFj and ESTj. People marry people who aren’t their socionic duals all the time, because duals are extremely hard to find. Some types are much less common than other types. All intuitives are,
statistically, much less common than sensors. All intuitives would have to have polyamorous relationships with sensors in order to give everybody a fair chance. So you’d have one INFj dualizing with 20 ESTjs, or one ENFp male dualizing with 20 ISTp females. I’m just making those numbers up to emphasize how extremely uncommon the intuitives are numerically. The people who find and marry an intuitive are EXTREMELY LUCKY. It is like winning the lottery.
After that experience with Agustin, I am obsessed with semen and getting pregnant and having unprotected sex with completed orgasm without pulling out. Procreative sex. It is the most wonderful, most magical, most fascinating thing on earth. I am 42 years old. If I do not do this, my soul will die and will never be replaced. Eternal life refers to the continuation of your soul in your children. I am unsaved. Eternal life – it has lasted for millions upon millions of years. We are the children of the very first bacterial cells that appeared on earth for the very first time. All of us, each one of us, came from those first bacterial cells wandering around in the primordial soup (which I cannot imagine and cannot accurately describe, since I can’t go back in time and look at it). All those millions of years, our eternal life has gone on. We are the children of the children of the children.
My one tiny branch of this eternal life is going to die off and stop growing, because I’m 42 and I’ve never fallen in love strongly enough to marry and have kids. I was even lucky enough to have a semi-dual – Eric, my ex-boyfriend, ENTp with ISTp. But I felt like something was wrong in the relationship and I wasn’t willing to marry, even before I knew socionics – I just felt like something was wrong, something was missing. I was still hoping to find a soulmate that would complete me and interact with me the way Rachael did – she was a dual, but she was female.
It wasn’t just lack of love, it was also the recurring disasters that kept me from having children. I could never get control of my money when I kept repeatedly losing jobs and getting thrown out of apartments and contaminating all my belongings with horribly toxic chemicals so that I had to throw everything in the garbage – all of the disasters written in my blog over all this time. The mind controllers forced me to have infinite, endless disasters. It is not by my own choice that I do these things.
That is why there is no love and there are no children. I am alone and I am going to die.
I expect it would be more difficult to convince this particular guy to have unprotected sex with completed, vaginal ejaculation. Guatemalans have different sexual norms. They are Catholics and they have huge numbers of children. Koreans have more American-like sexual norms, which means, all of them are brainwashed to believe in the
depopulation program. Koreans are circumcised because the USA invaded them and forced them to adopt different norms than the rest of Asia, who are uncircumcised (a good thing). Cirumcision is a horrible evil.
The ‘Great Beyond’ is another belief which I named after watching ‘Sausage Party.’ That movie isn’t just about heaven and religion, it’s about postponing *anything at all* into a vague, imaginary future where everything will finally be perfectly settled and safe and ideal. Nothing will ever be perfect. If you aren’t having sex and babies during a time of imperfection and instability and disaster, then you aren’t having babies AT ALL, EVER. That is my life. You MUST HAVE imperfect babies during times of disaster, instability, and financial instability and social chaos. It means, right now, no matter what. I wasn’t aware of what this meant to me until I suddenly had this opportunity with Agustin, and suddenly, my values became clear to me. I valued the imperfect babies even in this chaos. The baby that would never have a father because he was leaving – I still wanted it. I knew it was tragic and sad and it would be a sad, long, lonely life without a father. I still wanted it to live.
So I doubt I will be able to convince this particular guy to make me pregnant. He will be thinking, wait until after college, wait until financial stability, wait until I find my soulmate who I truly love rather than just a temporary crush in the workplace who is really more like a good friend instead of a soulmate. We would be like good friends with benefits. We are almost like brother and sister. It isn’t an ideal relationship. I know he won’t be ready to get me pregnant this very instant, for thousands of reasons.
He will worry that I am going to demand money from him (although in reality I am going to try to get back on food stamps again – I was on them in the past, then I let it expire and for various technical reasons wasn’t able to get on them again – I have to get paperwork for that). He doesn’t want me to divorce him and demand alimony payments that will enslave him forever. I know – I’ve read Warren Farrell. I know what men are afraid of. He doesn’t want to be my financial slave, paying thousands of dollars to me so that I can take it and go shopping at yard sales, like Eric’s ex-wife used to do with her child support payments. Whoopieeeee! Yard sale money!!! I’m rich! I know. I understand. I’ve hated my jobs too. I hate work. All jobs in general, I hate. Working in general, I hate. How does it feel to be a slave to the ex wife who takes all your money when you hate your job and hate work in general, all work?
He instinctively wants to have sex, which is normal, but he will resist the instinct to impregnate me, because he has heard about the horrible consequences of pregnancy and will be programmed to avoid those consequences. I call it a program. It came from our schools. Our sex education classes taught us this. Then, men hear about divorces, alimony, and child support from thousands of friends, acquaintances, coworkers, and strangers who have had those
experiences, and they learn never to trust a woman with your money, or you’ll be a slave and a victim for life, because all women want is to take all your money and grab you by the balls and drag you around and make you do whatever they want. All our long life, we have been bombarded with the message that terrible, terrible, terrible things happen to women who get pregnant, or to the men who get them pregnant. I believed all of it, all this time, and was waiting until ‘the great beyond,’ the time when all of my life would be settled, safe, ideal, and perfect, before I could get pregnant. That is why it has never happened.
I am now desperate and obsessive – I went a long time without a boyfriend, because Jesse went into the army and was stationed in Washington state. I just waited and waited and did nothing. What year was it – he was there all of 2015, right? He was there all of 2016. Maybe it was…. I’m confused. This is October 2016, and he has been there all this year. He came home on Christmas of 2015. He was there most of the year in 2015. That’s right, he left in winter 2015 early in the year, went to basic training, then got stationed. So 2014 is the last time I really had Jesse living nearby and was visiting him frequently. Jesse was so paranoid about pregnancy that not only would he use a condom, he would also pull out before ejaculating, AND THEN, to add insult to injury, he actually would not allow me to touch or look at or hold the condom, and would quickly throw it into the trash (although if I insisted I could have dug it out of the trash when he wasn’t looking and impregnated myself with the semen). He had been programmed.
The numbers of the years no longer mean much to me. Maybe I must start saying them in the Chinese zodiac way – the year of the lion, the year of the monkey, the year of the tiger, so that they will have meaning and be memorable. Numbers are empty now. The years mean something when you’re in school and you can say what grade you were in when something happened. But in adulthood, the years lose all meaning. Each year is like the next.
Do they have a year of the lion? I know they have a tiger, but maybe not lions? I forget.
The year of the kitty cat. The year of the raccoon. The year of the possum. The year of the mongoose. The year of the duck-billed platypus. I could go on and on with this. The year of the … what are they called? I remembered it from another word which came from Dr. Who, which I have never watched, but I read this in a wikipedia article… the TARDIS – tardigrades, that’s how I remember what they are called. There was an experiment called ‘TARDIS’ or something, tardigrades in space, where they put those ‘water bears,’ tiny little microscopic animals, into outer space to see if they lived. The year of the tardigrade. ‘TARDIS’ was the name of something in Dr. Who, maybe the device that transports them, or the name of a computer or something – I never watched it so I don’t know.
So… I have been alone a long time. Getting a crush on Agustin at Kaarma was a wonderful thing, when I had been alone so long – but he quickly left me and said he was moving out of town. I have no contact information for him, other than asking his friends, and I’d have to speak Spanish. He didn’t want to be followed or contacted.
So now here I am floundering without a boyfriend, yet not resigned to being alone the way I was all those months when Jesse was in the army and I was just patiently waiting for him. During that time I was resigned to life without love. I just had nobody. I had my coworkers at McDonald’s when I was still working there, but no crushes on any of them.
However, surround me with a bunch of foreign guys and crushes will happen instantly, because I am a xenophile. I absolutely love foreign people. Foreign people are much, much, much sexier and more fascinating than English-American guys. Or German-American or whatever they are (I was chatting with someone online who pointed out that Germans populated much of the USA, including Pennsylvania, and I looked on a map and saw it was true – I google searched for some phrase and found it, something like ‘which ethnic groups settled in which regions of the USA?’ or something).
I have loved Koreans for a long time. I was looking online randomly at Korean things, although I also googled dozens of other ethnic groups too – people from Tibet, people from Australia – every ethnic group and every race on earth was fascinating and wonderful, and I loved looking at pictures of them. All are beautiful to me. But I looked into Koreans enough to actually go and watch some Korean dramas and Korean movies online, which was more than I did with a lot of other cultures. (All of this required a lot of free time using the internet, and I tended to do it more if I were on a lot of drugs, like caffeine and St. John’s Wort and ginseng.)
One reason why they are attractive is because their hair is usually a couple inches longer than American men’s hair. American men, at least here in Pennsylvania, are shaving their heads and keeping their hair horribly, disgustingly short. Koreans and Asians in general tend to have hair which is only just an inch or two longer. You would not believe what a huge difference this makes to a man’s attractiveness. A man with a shaved head is utterly, completely repulsive and doesn’t even look human. It looks like a non-human species, a non-human robot. It is disgusting.
Asian men more frequently have hair that hangs just a little bit. It still isn’t long enough for my taste, as I want the Sikh-like fully grown ‘kesh,’ the fully grown hair and completely uncut beards in any race that is capable of growing beards – I do not demand that people grow beards if they aren’t able to, nor do I express preference for beards over the lack of beards – all people are simply required to grow whatever they have. Foreign men in general very often have just one or two inches longer hair than American men, therefore they are more attractive. Agustin had hair which was slightly longer, although he was putting hair gel on it and making it stand up in spikes, like all the Guatemalans did. It seriously is only an inch or two longer, but it makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD. That which was utterly repulsive and utterly inhuman suddenly becomes desirable after only a few weeks or months of growing their hair and beards out. It is magic.
My laptop battery will die soon, although I can turn it back on and use it again after it shuts down. But I will just go back to bed for a while.
Anyway… I am obsessed. I have an official crush now. I cannot help myself. I already know he will refuse to impregnate me, but I *can’t help* wanting to go after him, wanting to tell him, wanting to touch him, wondering how I am going to ask him to spend time with me away from work – I don’t know how, I don’t know if I have the courage, it will be uncomfortable, it will be sickening and terrifying, it will be painful, it will be abrupt and unnatural, it will be too much too soon, it will be too harsh, it will ruin the process of gradually and slowly getting to know each other – I can’t do it. He will just remain an unfulfilled workplace crush that I cannot really touch, cannot kiss or hug, cannot make love with. I can barely touch him for a few moments, but we cannot fully focus on each other in a workplace. Brief little touches only make me want more.
Oh and I definitely can see differences between Asians and Europeans. Asians do tend to be much faster – faster in speech, faster in movement, faster in skill. Their thoughts are deeper and the things that they think to say are more inconceivable, more novel and unexpected. Mostly, speed is the difference. Myro talks so fast I can barely hear her. Suk is extremely fast at cutting. These are not merely individual differences in skill or speed, but general tendencies throughout the entire Asian races. I have seen it with many more of them. However, the differences, perhaps, are not so huge that I won’t be able to have my crush. I might feel inferior, I might feel stupid, I might feel shallow, I might feel as though my own observations are lacking insight and lacking novelty, maybe. Maybe someone will condescend to mate with an inferior race.
The battery will die soon. I’ll just shut down instead of turning it back on after it shuts off automatically.