I just defeated Skeletron Prime

October 25, 2016

I know this doesn’t matter much to the universe, but I defeated Skeletron Prime in Terraria. I gave up on trying to defeat the mechanical monsters in hardmode, so Terraria just sat there with a high level character who sat and did nothing for months and months because I just couldn’t make myself try again. So, tonight, ‘they’ suggested I look at a youtube video of someone defeating him. I knew it was possible to make a monster killing arena, but I never made one very well – I tried to make one and it wasn’t good enough. I watched this video and mainly I was just inspired by the way the arena was built, so I built my own. Then I added some heart statues, which put out hearts that heal you every few seconds, so that I could heal my wounds frequently.

Everything was going quite well, and I was becoming more sure I could beat him. It was the longest I had ever lasted against him. The arena enabled me to move around freely through platforms while flying up and down. I was firing arrows at him with my special purple bow – I forget what it’s called, the deathbow or something. It changes all arrows into purple death arrows. I know I just looked at it a few minutes ago but I can’t remember what it’s called. It fires repeatedly if you just hold the button down. It was the best bow for the job.

I was getting closer and closer to killing him. The light was slowly brightening, meaning that morning was coming, and the monster disappears in the morning – you can only fight it at nighttime. It was about to disappear, but I was so close to killing it!

Then, the unthinkable happened – I ran out of arrows. I RAN OUT OF ARROWS. Why isn’t this bow shooting? Click, click, why isn’t it working? Zero arrows!!! Oh no!!!! What do I do! I sat there for a second in shock, helpless, and then I started flying after him waving my scimitar for all I’m worth, just jumping directly into the skull not worried about how badly it was hurting me, trying to heal myself, refresh all my strength-enhancing potions, catch all the hearts coming out of the statues, and just wave and wave the sword at him, flying after him as he flew away, as the morning light began to brighten and his hit points were so low it was a tiny red bar……

Skeletron Prime has been defeated! Souls of Fright were floating in the air for me to pick up.

I was actually a little tiny bit disappointed – I can’t really make anything awesome yet with the souls of fright, but I need them for later and will have to get more souls from other stuff to make the things I need. But still – after waiting all these months since last winter, maybe in February or so when I last played the game, I forget – finally I made a little progress with that poor character who just sat around miserable hating the world because it’s in hardmode now and everything sucks and she wasn’t able to defeat any more of the hard monsters.

I can go home tonight and rest peacefully in my tent, knowing that skeletron prime… might, actually, respawn at random on any given night…. hey, wait a minute… I’d better make some more

Mace residues in the Maki Yaki bathroom

October 24, 2016

During the football game riots, people came into the bathroom at work and were trying to wash the mace off themselves. I forgot all about it until just now when I heard someone at the laundromat saying he got maced. Then I realized, that’s why my eyes are burning right now. I thought it was from cutting onions at work, but I had gloves on, and I’ve never felt my eyes burning after actually leaving the area where I was cutting onions, even if I wiped it into my eyes. I must have touched the door handle of the bathroom and then wiped my eyes with my hands. My eyes were burning persistently for a long time after I left work. They still are kind of burning now. It’s mace contamination. We’re going to have to clean the bathroom and wipe down all the surfaces people were touching. My hands are burning and itching too.

The hackers who deleted my opera rss feeds did it wrong; hormone milk is affecting me

October 24, 2016

I noticed suddenly in the last couple weeks that all my old RSS posts had been deleted and I was only getting the newest ones. It suddenly happened by itself, which means, hackers. I didn’t get upset about it, because that is something that I sometimes do anyway. But they did it wrong. Now it’s all disorganized and it’s lost some important piece of information that organizes it. You can’t just delete the whole thing without understanding it. I don’t know how it works. I don’t know what they did, but now, all the RSS feeds are unable to sort properly. So they are all mixed together.

I bought hormone milk again today. The only reason I am buying hormone milk frequently is because I am not located next to any places that sell organic milk. I used to be able to get organic half and half at McClanahan’s, but now I’m next to a different McClanahan’s and this particular store doesn’t have organic cream. I don’t want to go several blocks farther every day when I am trying to get to work on time. So I am sometimes drinking hormone-filled factory farm cream or milk.

Well, I went a day or two without it, and got it again today, and suddenly noticed that it affected my feelings towards my crush. I have noticed that hormone milk causes me to have hormone-induced effects, not just arousal but a sort of clinginess. However, the effect is not so bad that I absolutely have to stop drinking it. I am only taking note of the fact that it’s affecting me.

I wish I could spend some time with him *before* I ovulate. I’m approaching my menstrual period now, in the second half of my cycle, and I’m not sexually attractive to anybody at the moment, but I still want comfort and touch.

I think there’s an ENTP there (semi-dual). I don’t know him well and have only talked to him a couple times. He was talking about playing video games in competitions and getting paid to do it, but he said his parents didn’t approve and they deleted his video gaming accounts, so he had to start all over from scratch (but obviously, didn’t stop doing it).

I have never actually tried to have an intimate relationship with a socionic identical and actually spend time alone with them having physical contact and sex with them. I have had quite a few male friendships with identicals – the guys I was living with before I went camping just now. Maybe they weren’t Asian enough. I sincerely do love foreign people and different-looking people.

It’s so pretty outside, I should go into the woods and clear the weeds. I was halfheartedly clearing a space for a new house. However, it’s unlikely I’ll be able to build this new house before it gets cold outside, and when it’s so cold that I can no longer work outdoors, the housebuilding will be abandoned as usual. I have tried several times to build a house in the woods, out of sticks and stones and clay and natural materials. The only compromise I might allow on the natural materials is, I might buy ropes and strings from the store, because I do not yet have a source of large amounts of natural fibers for making rope, or a place where I am able to make this rope. That could be done *in the house* after it’s built, though. I’m transitioning.

I wonder if anybody is Asia is interested in rewilding and primitive skills? I was thrilled to find a few youtube videos about organic farming in Asia. I’m glad it’s becoming a trend over there, too. They need it even more than we do. They have much more pollution. I’m not sure how I would google search for Asian cultural trends without actually being able to speak and write in the language, and also be able to get past the great firewall. (I talk about the great firewall as though it’s an unusual thing that only exists in Asia, but meanwhile, we are all taking for granted our own internet censorship and our own surveillance.)

I have St. John’s Wort on my clothing. It isn’t a huge amount, and it isn’t causing extreme fatigue, but I have had mild fatigue a few times. It’s enough that I am experiencing some mind control attacks that only happen when I’m under the influence of drugs. They did something to the sound effect that happens when we receive an order at Maki Yaki. There’s this harmonica sound that plays. They added subliminal, ultrasonic sounds to it saying ‘bento boxes.’ Every time that sound plays, I hear the words ‘bento boxes’ and it triggers rage. I haven’t had this problem for years – it was a long time ago – I was working at Weis Market and they hacked the overhead speakers thing – why can’t I remember what that’s called? oh well – so that every time the little Weis commercial came on, I would hear ultrasonic voices playing along with the music, and it triggered rage. It seems to only be audible to me if I am on drugs. I guess it’s possible that they just went a long time without hacking voices into anything, or maybe there weren’t any sound effects playing at any of my other jobs that were hackable. But the problem of triggering rage is definitely something that only happens under the influence of antidepressants.

The intercom. That’s the word I was trying to remember.

Again, it’s not a major problem. The residues of the St. John’s Wort are very minimal. It’s nothing like it was in the past. It’s only because I ate just a small amount of the plant the other day when I was out walking, because I always hope that it will do something helpful for me, but it never does enough. It just causes fatigue and more problems with the electronic attackers.

I’m going to play Terraria for a little while and then I guess I will go home. There are things I need to do but I was too tired and overwhelmed to do them yet. Maybe tomorrow.

Would that be really, really weird? To give him a note asking him to text me, and then, to actually attempt to spend time alone with him, even though we won’t have a huge amount to talk about, being two introverted identical types? We could quietly watch movies together or something, or play video games together. It could just be a friendship with some kind of physical contact. I just keep postponing the moment of making the leap into that. It seems so dangerous, or destructive. It almost seems like it would damage something. But if he did that exact thing to me, I would be thrilled. I guess I would just have to ask him if it’s okay. I would need to be absolutely sure it was okay. With some people it’s obvious that a relationship with them is okay and it’s what they want, but it’s not obvious with a quiet, introverted person who doesn’t express his feelings openly.

However, I don’t want to interfere with him falling in love, if he meets someone really great. I haven’t met this new driver named Rachael yet. If everybody named Rachael is an ENFP, then she’s his dual. They said she’s ‘really sweet.’ ENFPs are really sweet, so she could be an ENFP. I need to stay out of the way of that if that’s happening. I’m only joking with my logical reasoning here – I have absolutely no way of knowing what type she is when I haven’t even seen her yet. But only certain types of people would ever be described as ‘sweet.’ And Anne from McDonald’s became a delivery driver for OrderUp. Maybe I should wait until I meet her first. It’s easier for male ISTPs to meet their female ENFP duals, because logical men are more common than logical women, and ethical men are less common than ethical women. So it’s hard for me, an ISTP female, to find lots of ENFP males.

Okay, I guess it’s time to play Terraria for a bit.

planes are also freedom

October 23, 2016

Planes are people who have freedom of movement and freedom of thought and are not confined to the ground or to one narrow track. A train transforms into a plane if it succeeds in achieving this freedom of thought, movement, and choice.

train going down the tracks is a college student

October 23, 2016

I was rereading the dream and realized that’s what it was. The ‘tracks’ are a fixed pathway that you go down, which has no
intersections and only goes one way to one specific place. This is a fixed plan for your future. It is going to college, taking the required college courses, and going straight down the pathway to your destination, which is a high paying job. I myself left that pathway. I envied people who were able to stay on it who actually reached the destination.

Lard causes cravings for leafy greens; Burger King salad is one of the worst I’ve ever had; weird dreams

October 23, 2016

The Weston Price web pages talk about how if you eat pork along with sauerkraut, the sauerkraut mitigates the effects of the pork on the blood. By itself, the pork will cause your red blood cells to clump into rouleaux, little stacks of ‘coins.’ If you eat it with the sauerkraut, they will not clump.

I am noticing that when I eat the lard, I get a very strong craving for leafy greens afterwards, and I have been eating more salads than ever during this time of testing the pork lard. What could possibly be a healthier craving than a craving for leafy greens? This is kind of awesome.

However, I don’t always have access to greens that I can forage, so I am buying salads. Today, I bought a salad at Burger King. It was one of the worst salads I’ve ever had. It was nothing but iceberg lettuce, with chicken on top, a small amount of cheddar cheese, and bacon. I didn’t get the croutons I asked for, which I only noticed just now after I’ve eaten the salad. Ooops – I’m wrong, yes, I did get the croutons, I just didn’t see that they were in there and I forgot to put them on. My bad. I’ll just open the bag of croutons and eat them now.

Anyway, so the small packet of dressing wasn’t enough to distribute through the salad, so I ended up trying to choke down a whole lot of dry iceberg lettuce. You shouldn’t have a whole bunch of dry, plain iceberg lettuce left over after you eat the more desirable ingredients of the salad. There should be enough of everything the entire time you are eating the salad.

If you’re going to have a salad that ends up being just a bunch of plain greens with nothing on them and no other ingredients, the greens should at least be something interesting with a high nutrient density. There are many types of greens that can be used in salad. You need a variety of them, some of them with different flavors, including bitter flavors. Bitter flavors are actually desirable in small amounts.

I feel like my brain isn’t working very well today. I slept and had some weird dreams. Yesterday I found a hawthorn tree and was ripping apart the berries, and taking pictures of it so that I could go to the Native Plant Society facebook group and ask them what kind of tree this was. The hawthorn berries are edible, but the seeds are poisonous. From reading, I believe this berry might be a beta blocker which will cause my heart to slow down, and when I go into withdrawal, I will have angina. So if I try to eat any of the berries, I will only eat a tiny amount of them, then observe my symptoms. People do say the berries are edible. They smelled good to me, like apples and plums, and I’m told they’re in the apple family. The seeds have cyanide in them.

So I wonder if touching and handling those berries might be what made me feel kind of tired and dumb today. I don’t know.

I had a long dream. I don’t remember all of it. The voices told me what one of the symbols meant after I woke up. We were terrorists and we were going to transform a train into a plane and then do something with it. I don’t know if it was going to be crashed into something, or shoot something, or what, because I woke up before that happened. I was with a group of people. The ‘train’ was actually just one individual train car running down the tracks by itself, not a long train with many cars. It would just jump off the tracks and transform in the air into a plane, then fly away.

After I woke up, the voices said that the ‘train’ refers to a trainee, and the ‘plane’ refers to being ‘plain’ in appearance. I had been fantasizing about training my replacement, training people to do jobs for me, and requiring them to grow their hair long and become plain in appearance like I am. So the dream was making a verbal joke out of that. The train becomes plane.

At the end of the dream, I remember looking at a picture. It was a picture of someone wrapped in a blanket, sleeping. The other day, in real life, I had been thinking about finding a dead cat hit by a car, but saying that it was only ‘sleeping.’ In the fertility forums, they also say that their babies are born ‘sleeping’ if there is a miscarriage.

So in the dream, this was a photo of a sleeping person wrapped in a blanket, but I thought it meant this person was dead. But this was a contradiction, and you can’t have any contradictions in your code, the dream voice said. The code must have no contradictions or the program won’t work. How can this person have written a book if they’re dead? The person wrote the book with a picture of themselves wrapped in a blanket, ‘dead,’ after they were dead? That was a contradiction. How did they write the book? How did they publish it? How did they photograph themselves while dead? The program wouldn’t work because it was contradictory.

The program was trying to operate the train that would transform into a plane. I think it might have meant something about life after death, because I’ve been talking about eternal life by means of reproduction, although it isn’t the life of the individual, it’s the life of the group or the species. I still care about the immortality of the individual, which is a separate concept from the eternal life of the group passed down through childbearing. I am interested in methods that make people live much longer or make people immortal. Would I ever tolerate getting some kind of a shot or vaccine made in a factory by mainstream medicine and the drug industry, if it would make me immortal? I don’t know! Interesting challenge. Maybe I would.

I also want to reverse aging, regrow lost body parts, and make eggs and sperm from people who are not fertile for some reason, people of any age, make them from ordinary body cells or stem cells or some other special kind of cells in their body. These would not be clones, but they would be like eggs and sperm, with the chance to merge with another and get genes from both parents.

Those are all fantasies I have about what I would want to do using science and medicine if it were up to me. It is connected with the Anaya religion.

After seeing this person in the blanket sleeping, a purple blanket – it was a dark blue purple color – I remember being outside and the flying drones were attacking us, because, I guess, we were terrorists. The drones were green. I thought they were just airplanes and I didn’t know if they were drones or if they had people inside them. There were lots of these bright green airplanes in the sky over the house that I was walking towards. I was trying to get into that house but I was terrified of the green planes above it. They were just flying around randomly and I guess they must have been shooting and killing people, but I didn’t see it happen, I just knew that they were. I don’t know how I could see the color of the planes – it was such a bright green, it might have been like the entire plane was glowing in the daylight.

Then one of the planes saw me walking through this open field towards the house that they were over, and it moved towards me – I saw it getting bigger in the sky as it moved towards me – but then, suddenly, it turned back and didn’t shoot me, and it went back to the group of planes. I was trying to run as fast as I could towards this house, because there was something important that I needed in there, my stuff, or people I cared about, or something.

Some of this is probably about ‘aliens,’ and ‘aliens’ refers to humans from other countries, so this might have been referring to the workplace crush who ‘moved towards me, then away from me.’ Those planes were UFOs, aliens. I don’t know why they were bright glowing green though. Maybe just because aliens are little green men? I don’t know. Or green means ‘go?’

That was when I woke up. I never got to see the ending of the program where the train would transform into a plane. The program must not have worked because it was contradictory. But I was frustrated because it was so close to completion – everything was together, everything seemed to be working, but then there was this
contradiction. Something which was dead wasn’t really dead or couldn’t possibly be dead. It was so frustrating to suddenly wake up when this whole plan was just about to be completed and we were right near the end of the plan. Everything was together and it was all working great.

I have known for a long time that it’s extremely hard to get into a sexual relationship with socionic identicals (other ISTPs like myself). Neither of us is able to make the first move to bring us into a closer relationship. When we do, it often has an
uncomfortable, sickening, over-intense sensation of being
overstimulated and having too much oxytocin hormone. It feels incestuous and unnatural. That is based on my previous experiences with other male ISTPs that I tried to have friendships with, whenever I felt any sexual attraction to them at all. I felt sexual attraction to both Eric and Jason from McDonald’s, and yet, I lived with them all those months and barely touched any of them, including their father who also seemed like another ISTP. We only had a few brief moments when sexual hints were given, but they did not progress. We are lacking this warmth, this draw, this pull, that brings us together. I also knew another male ISTP that I had some feelings for, and I wanted to hug him but felt the sensation of being ‘violated,’ an unpleasant sexual sensation, once again, of having too much oxytocin, being overstimulated, in a way that is gross and sickening.

I call this phenomenon the socionic incest taboo – you can’t have sex with your own identicals, because they might be some long-lost relative. It seemed like this would be okay with a Korean guy, who is such a distant relative that my instincts shouldn’t be worried about incest, but apparently the incest taboo is still there.

I am able to use my mobilizing function (+Fi) intermittently enough to do something like ask my crush about the details of his past life and his likes and dislikes, but cannot use that function very well for very long, so I default to my sensing-thinking functions, the same as his, and the sensing-thinking functions do not easily bring us closer together. I cannot ask him, ‘What’s bothering you? Why did you pull away slightly?’ We are able to stay friends with a little bit of distance, keeping our space, but it’s hard to imagine actually being able to go all the way to sex, even if I am ovulating, because somebody has to make this leap, which feels too abrupt, too decisive, too unnatural – I have to say, ‘Let’s get together,’ and that makes it a formal relationship, with all these duties and obligations. What if one or the other of us doesn’t feel in the mood to hang out on a particular day? That would be a violation of their free time and their space.

But I don’t want another ESFP. I do love Jesse, and I loved Agustin in whatever way I could love someone who I barely knew and could only see from a distance as he interacted with our other coworkers. But yet, neither of them could give any sexual foreplay, and aside from sex, they would not give much hugs and no comfort of any kind whatsoever, neither giving nor receiving it. It was not possible to touch either of them in a comforting way for very long, although there was one isolated rare incident in which I was able to snuggle with Jesse on the couch, stroking his hair. He normally does not tolerate any such thing for more than a second or two. My next boyfriend has to be someone who values this sort of touch.

There was a terrible incident last Christmas where I got mad at Jesse. I actually smoke a tiny, tiny, minute fraction of a single puff of his cigarette. I became extremely angry for days and days afterwards. I was still working at McD. I got sick one day, and was coming down with a cold or something, and I felt miserable, and I was still in withdrawal and still sick from the tiny fraction of one inhalation of tobacco smoke, and so I was trying to get Jesse to let me visit him and just to give me a hug. He totally ignored me and wouldn’t even give me so much as a hug just to comfort me when I felt sick and crappy. That was also the time when he had recently fallen in love with Kaelin. So he didn’t love me anymore at all and didn’t feel the need to give me the slightest kindness or respect or consideration. I remember being very angry with him for totally ignoring me while I was calling and texting him asking him if he would let me visit him just briefly and only to give me a comforting hug. It was during the short couple of weeks when he was home on Christmas break from the army.

It’s that kind of thing that I want to avoid in the future. I know, he had fallen in love with Kaelin at the time, which was why he was pushing me out of his life, but still. Even when that wasn’t happening, he still didn’t like to do a lot of hugging and cuddling, not enough for me, and no foreplay at all. Absolutely no giving of comforting touch to me, no focus on me at all, and did not like to receive any focused attention from me either. He did not usually like something like stroking with hands, or gentle massaging, or stroking of the hair, or randomly touching someone’s face and body at random places just because you feel like it. I like to do all of those things. They are not necessarily sexual. It is just taking pleasure in someone’s company, in their physical body being there, admiring how beautiful and attractive they are, but up close, not from a distance, and quietly bonding with these small gentle touches and gentle snuggling. When I did those kinds of things, he briefly tolerated it, but it annoyed him and he ignored it.

I don’t want to deal with that anymore. I don’t want another boyfriend like that. Agustin was the same – absolutely no foreplay. With him it was just instantly kissing very strongly and then taking all our clothes off immediately and then having sex right away. There was nothing slow about it. It was, get this done as quickly as possible. I want to sort of snuggle with somebody first, and gradually move to other types of touching, sometimes gentle and sometimes firm and energetic, but not immediately to sex, and not just to the sexual organs of the body, but touching the entire body everywhere in many ways.

At the same time, I do become impatient if there is extreme and excessive preoccupation with having extreme pleasure for long periods of time. I don’t care that much about trying to have multiple orgasms, or trying to have sex for as long as possible without an orgasm, or that kind of thing. Just *some* foreplay and *some* touching, from both of us to each other. I am telling you, there was NONE with either Jesse or Agustin – just straight to sex immediately, as quickly as possible, with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING of any kind before it or after it. Jesse used to immediately leave after sex if he was at my apartment, or get up and walk away after sex if we were at his house – never to lie there together afterwards. NOTHING. I’ve decided this is the ESFP personality type and I don’t want to get another boyfriend of that type.

Time is passing, and I am going to try to wash my hair before work. I’m at the laundromat.

I don’t want another ESFP

October 22, 2016

After being with both Jesse and Agustin I know that they don’t give any gentle physical affection. I want a Delta. That’s why Chris is out of the question (guy who asked me to hang out). He will be like them. No gentleness. +Si ignore function or something. Or no +Fi. Just -Fi.

Agustin was sighted

October 21, 2016

Kat, who still works at Kaarma, said agustin and Gerber came in to eat today. So he’s in town. It doesnt matter anymore because I understand he wants to be left alone. I can focus on my current crush. Although it looks like it will be impossible. He was slightly aloof today, and I felt possessive and insecure, always wanting to do things to claim him in front of everyone, like saying something about him or jumping into a conversation that involved him. I am asking him a lot of questions about himself so I can get to know him and show that I’m interested in him, but the reciprocal is not true: my own life is not a thing to tell him about much. I am less desirable than he is. Also, I’m not ovulating, and when I’m neither ovulating nor on st. Johns wort, I’m not sexually attractive. I keep wanting to touch him and to claim him, feeling like it’s not safe to postpone it, like someone else will jump in. But I haven’t the courage to give him my number and tell him to text me yet. I don’t want to let our relationship devolve into a sexless friendship. We could get in the habit of always having a touch barrier.

There are so many things going on in my mind right now buy I’m typing on my phone so I can’t write them all.

wow, memory lane

October 20, 2016

All I have to do is sit around at Weis using the internet and random people who I knew from the past will come over and ask me to hang out with them. So far I’ve met two guys who I knew from previous jobs. One of them gave me two hugs during our chat and then he went on to his job. The other one asked me to hang out and also gave me a hug. Does this mean that my workplace crush is going to be abandoned and/or cheated on? Am I going to be this promiscuous person who is hooking up with random guys all at the same time? I don’t usually do that – I usually do ‘serial monogamy,’ just dating one guy at a time, for months or years, and then eventually moving on to somebody else for one reason or another. I’m not even sure I should say yes to this guy…

ooh, I’m still unplugged and the battery will die for real, and it will forget everything for real this time. I restarted after the original automatic shutdown, so now I’m in the real danger zone. I lost a Terraria character doing that. I learned my lesson.

testing animal fats; the crush; some random stuff but I forgot what I wrote

October 20, 2016

3:40 PM 10/20/2016

I just got over to the YMCA to take a shower. I feel much better. I still have too many things to do now though and I don’t think I will get many of them done.

6:40 AM 10/20/2016

I bought these tiny one ounce containers of a couple different kinds of fats, and I’m testing them. I have a different approach to the Weston Price diet than a lot of people have. I don’t believe that it’s completely, 100%, word-for-word the gospel truth, but yet, I agree with the general idea of it. And there are grains of truth in the mainstream medicine’s belief that saturated animal fats are bad for you. There are grains of truth on both sides of the argument, and I am testing these fats myself to see how I react to them, partly because I have actually had bad experiences with animal fats in the past.

When I was a kid I was put on the Feingold Diet for hyperactivity. My mom said it worked, and I was aware of it for my whole life, even after we stopped using it – every once in a while she would tell me the story of how I absolutely would never sleep at night, I would fight like a demon, I would scream, I would push the door open while she pushed it shut. The night that she put me on the diet, I instantly went to bed without a fuss, and did the same forever after as long as I was on the diet.

I got into the diet again as an adult, finding it on the internet and ordering their reading materials. I got into the mindset of observing my own symptoms after they happen, instead of waiting for scientific studies to tell me what was true or false. I noticed that many symptoms can be observed on the very day when you eat a food, and for me, that includes animal fats.

I was eating those little snack sausages, from the grocery store, the ones that usually come with little blocks of cheese and maybe with mustard. I really love them. But when I was eating them, later in the day I would feel like I was having heart attacks. This isn’t something that happens gradually after you’ve been eating animal fat for 20 years. It is something that happens on the very same day that you eat the animal fat.

I have a theory that might explain some of what the Weston Price people and others on the internet have observed. Maybe you have problems when you *alternate* between different types of fat. Maybe if you have been eating nothing but vegetable oil for a long time, and your body has struggled to use this inferior type of fat, and has integrated it into all the tissues, and then suddenly, one day, you eat the kind of fat that your body actually wants, saturated animal fat, maybe (according to my theory) your body might suddenly release and replace all that bad vegetable oil in the tissues, and put the desirable animal fats in their places. So then, perhaps, you suddenly have big clots of released vegetable oils floating around in your bloodstream or something.

That was only a theory I made up. I still don’t know. I know that my liver doesn’t produce much bile, and I have clay colored stools. Bile is needed to dissolve fat. My fats are being poorly absorbed and they might not have enough bile along with them. Maybe the fat is going into my intestinal wall without bile attached to it. Maybe fat that isn’t dissolved in bile is more dangerous than fat that is properly dissolved in bile. People with Weston Price deformities also have deformities in their internal organs (although nobody has ever talked about this much, I’m just taking the concept farther than they usually do), which means that they will have narrower blood vessels and narrower everything, narrow vessels in the liver, narrower tubes that the bile goes through. These narrow tubes cause problems. My dad said he thought he had high blood pressure because of a narrow, constricted artery in the kidney.

The Weston Price deformities are caused by more factors than just malnutrition. It is malnutrition (eating nothing but processed food, processed flour, processed sugar, instead of whole foods) combined with exposure to chemicals and drugs. Some of the chemicals come from canned food, or food made in factories. Some of the drugs brought to the primitive societies that corrupted them were tobacco, alcohol, and caffeine. Those drugs cause major deformities which are extremely commonplace – they’re everywhere, on almost everyone.

So, anyway, these narrow tubes, and narrow blood vessels, and lack of bile, might be part of the reason why animal fats aren’t always good for us. If we have properly functioning organs and blood vessels, we might be able to dissolve and digest fats properly, and don’t have any problems from them. Badly deformed bodies have more health problems from all causes.

Again, all of this is my own theory. I’m taking bits of what they have said, and kind of extrapolating something that might be true.

I do notice symptoms from the rosemary extract added to the
unsaturated animal fats that I purchased. The saturated ones don’t have rosemary added to them because they don’t oxidize. I was barely even able to eat the little finger swipe of saturated beef tallow that I tested. It would not dissolve in my mouth no matter what. I had to chew it. I also licked a small bit of leaf lard (fat from around the kidneys), which does have rosemary added to it. Note: not all producers are adding rosemary. It’s just this particular company. I compromised on a couple things so that I could buy extremely small bottles of the fats and test a couple different kinds. Fatworks sells these ‘tiny tallows,’ which are one ounce jars of fat so that you can test them in a recipe and try lots of different kinds.

So, I felt my blood pressure rising afterwards from the rosemary. I have felt the same sensation before from eating rosemary all by itself, so it wasn’t caused by eating the fat.

It was later in the day that I felt a weird sensation. I have noticed this before. I might not notice anything when I first eat something, but hours later, when it gets into my intestines, perhaps my lower intestine, the large intestine, it starts to get absorbed and that’s the moment when I start to feel symptoms. I felt like I was having a stroke or about to pass out. I was sort of dizzy or lightheaded. It’s a very specific, very unique sensation that I have felt before and it comes from eating animal fats.

This is the reason why I am testing. I want to see if this sensation stops happening over time, according to my theory that the body might be replacing bad fats in the body with good ones.

The reason why I would question the mainstream medicine’s belief that animal fat is bad for you is because I agree with the *principle*, the *concept*, of the Weston Price diet. Primitive cultures really are much healthier than we are, and they live longer and have no chronic diseases. They are happier and stronger. They are less deformed. They have no obesity.

Obesity is caused by exposure to cadmium early in life. There are many other causes of it, but this is one of the big causes. Cadmium is in rice. Baby food is made of rice. If you give your child rice baby food, you may be poisoning it with cadmium, which will cause lifelong obesity. I cannot test this myself. I’m only reading things and finding out about them. I have been interested in the phenomenon of obesity for decades, as I noticed, long ago, many fat people were starving themselves and barely eating anything at all, while the thin person sitting next to them could eat anything they wanted. It was obvious to me that obesity wasn’t caused by ‘eating too much.’ So I spent the last few decades always paying attention to any information that I would read or hear about the true causes of obesity. It begins early in life, and it’s not your fault and it’s not under your control. However, drug-induced obesity happens in adulthood when you take the drugs, and that’s a different phenomenon. A huge number of prescription drugs cause obesity, sometimes very severe (hundreds of pounds of weight gain caused by schizophrenia drugs, for instance).

I started getting fat working at Kaarma, where I was eating a lot of rice. I never eat much rice, and when I do, I buy organic, but this is only if I live in a house and have my own kitchen and am preparing my own food every day. Organic rice can still have cadmium in it if the soil where it is grown is still contaminated with cadmium, but it will have less because at least it isn’t being constantly added to the rice in pesticides and herbicides and fertilizers (and yes, organic farmers are still allowed to use some chemicals – somebody mentioned this the other day).

Organic – a tangent I wanted to talk about. I have these two avocado plants that I grew, which are at the Black Bear Lane house (and I need to go check on them). I have them there because they cannot be allowed to freeze.

One was grown from a non-organic, conventional avocado seed. That avocado seed was much larger. The plant itself grew much taller. However, it is full of holes because insects were constantly eating it. Non-organic plants grow larger but are weaker. They use the idea that if it’s bigger and more brightly colored, it’s better, but they ignore the internal functioning and the internal health of the plant, which is supported by trace minerals that are absent in the soil of non-organic plants. So they choose the particular minerals that cause a plant to grow taller, and to look greener (phosphorus makes it look green, if I recall). But they ignore all the other trace minerals whose effects are less obvious. Those effects that they ignore are: the plant’s ability to defend itself against insects. Apparently, that particular strength comes from trace minerals.

The organic avocado seed was smaller. I don’t know if it was a different breed of avocado, so that could be the cause. The plant that grew from this seed also was shorter and grew slower. However, it has absolutely no holes from insects biting on the leaves. Apparently, a seed that comes from an organic plant has benefits which last for a lifetime into the next generation, epigenetic effects. I do not know the cause.

It was an interesting and unintentional experiment. I didn’t do this experiment on purpose. I just happened to buy non-organic avocados one time, and organic avocados another time, and tried to plant all the seeds (which requires scraping off all the skin from the seed, because the skin contains a seed inhibitor chemical that stops it from sprouting).

So, anyway.

I started to get fatter while I was working at Kaarma, and I theorized that eating too much rice might be the cause, because of the large amount of cadmium in non-organic rice. It was only a theory. I don’t actually know what’s causing it. I can’t do enough testing because I don’t have a kitchen.

For the last few months, I wasn’t cooking at home at all, because it was actually many months ago that Mike Young told me to leave the house because his nephew was coming over to stay while going to Penn State (this ended up not really happening – he stayed a couple days, then went somewhere else, so I was allowed to stay). I threw out all my food in the fridge and freezer, attempting to get out of the house, and I put all my pots and pans in the tent and all my belongings there with them. I stopped buying groceries to cook at home, because I was expecting to move out any day and didn’t want to waste any more food. I also didn’t have enough room, because the people there were spreading out into my space. I hate that. I hate sharing a fridge and freezer, especially with people who fill it with garbage and don’t clean it out. They had hundreds of sauce bottles with a tiny bit of sauce left that nobody ever used, and if only they got rid of all that, there would be tons of space in the fridge. They have TONS of stuff nobody eats just sitting there forever wasting space, so I had no space. I NEED MY OWN GODDAMN FRIDGE.

So I spent many months eating nothing but restaurant foods and food from Kaarma. I hate eating that way. Nobody can prepare food the way I want it, and nobody can do the testing that I want to do with foods. I want to test all of the Weston Price diets and the organic foods and special unfamiliar foods and hunting and foraging. I am always testing foods, if only I have enough time. Constant testing is my way of life. It is something I enjoy. It provides constant novelty.

But, I haven’t been able to troubleshoot this nagging fatness and get rid of it. I just don’t have enough control over my foods and my lifestyle. It is extremely frustrating. I cannot simply starve myself while I am working at a job, either, and I don’t believe that starvation is the way. If you are starving, if it hurts, then you’re doing it wrong. That’s usually my approach to things.

The one exception was quitting caffeine. That could only be done by brute force, and I had to just ignore the pain. The only incentive strong enough to make me do this was pregnancy. I stopped cold turkey on the very day when I first had sex with Agustin, in August this year. That was because unprotected sex was a surprise. I didn’t know that he would just go in without a condom, and I expected him to pull out before orgasm like everyone else does. Nope! I did not fight or protest against this at all, in fact, I embraced it and I was delighted with this. Suddenly semen became the most fascinating thing on earth. I obsevered all of the symptoms that it triggered in my body, and, like I said, I stopped caffeine cold turkey on that very day, and never had it again since then, because I don’t want to harm my baby. Even though I’m not pregnant, I’m still trying as hard as I can to stay off it, although it is extremely hard sometimes.

I didn’t get pregnant on that first try, because I was too far past ovulation. There were no symptoms of pregnancy. There was only a 24 hour period during which I had symptoms directly caused by semen, and only by semen, because semen contains substances that affect the female body. After that 24 hour period, nothing happened at all that first month.

It was only the second month that I got pregnant at all. I had sex with him before ovulation. We only had sex these two times before he left me. He said he was moving away, going to West Virginia. These Guatemalans move all over the country looking for jobs, and he wasn’t in love with me and didn’t want to stay with me forever, so he just left, very coldly. So, we only had sex twice, although the second time was actually two times – he had sex again with me after his first orgasm, after a few minutes went by, although he didn’t ejaculate a second time.

That was the time when I did get pregnant. I was pregnant for only a few days, and I noticed all the symptoms. I was having strange dreams at night. I was feeling like I was going to throw up. I had blood sugar problems when I didn’t eat constantly at work. I had blood sugar problems when I took too long walking around shopping at Wal-Mart. I was having hormone floods when the egg was fertilized and it sent out a signal that I was able to feel through my whole body. I had a super intensified sense of smell, but sadly that only lasted a few hours.

Then, the baby passed away for unknown reasons – maybe because I took a hot bath, maybe because I ate ginger for the nausea, maybe because I ate soft cheese that day and it had too much penicillin in it, I don’t know (it isn’t the listeria that’s the problem, it’s the penicillin and antibiotics that cause abortions). I can only guess why the baby died. All the symptoms went away. My period was over a week late, because I was miscarrying.

Then I finally got my period. And Agustin was gone. No more chances to test my fertility with him. But testing my fertility was the most fascinating and wonderful thing I ever got to do in my life. I had decided that I would get pregnant even though I did not have the proper diet or the proper lifestyle, even though I was not healthy and the baby would not be healthy, even though I had no financial power and would always be poor because my whole life is a disaster and it would continue to be a disaster – I decided to just get pregnant anyway. It was the most wonderful thing.

So I went all this time without Agustin, letting him go. That was why I was so desperate to get a new crush as soon as I could. I almost always have a crush on somebody. It is impossible not to. The crush will always be on whoever is convenient, even if they are not ideal and not a true soulmate or socionic dual. There are no socionic duals anywhere. I believe now Mike and Myro at Maki Yaki are semi-duals: ISFj and ESTj. People marry people who aren’t their socionic duals all the time, because duals are extremely hard to find. Some types are much less common than other types. All intuitives are,
statistically, much less common than sensors. All intuitives would have to have polyamorous relationships with sensors in order to give everybody a fair chance. So you’d have one INFj dualizing with 20 ESTjs, or one ENFp male dualizing with 20 ISTp females. I’m just making those numbers up to emphasize how extremely uncommon the intuitives are numerically. The people who find and marry an intuitive are EXTREMELY LUCKY. It is like winning the lottery.

After that experience with Agustin, I am obsessed with semen and getting pregnant and having unprotected sex with completed orgasm without pulling out. Procreative sex. It is the most wonderful, most magical, most fascinating thing on earth. I am 42 years old. If I do not do this, my soul will die and will never be replaced. Eternal life refers to the continuation of your soul in your children. I am unsaved. Eternal life – it has lasted for millions upon millions of years. We are the children of the very first bacterial cells that appeared on earth for the very first time. All of us, each one of us, came from those first bacterial cells wandering around in the primordial soup (which I cannot imagine and cannot accurately describe, since I can’t go back in time and look at it). All those millions of years, our eternal life has gone on. We are the children of the children of the children.

My one tiny branch of this eternal life is going to die off and stop growing, because I’m 42 and I’ve never fallen in love strongly enough to marry and have kids. I was even lucky enough to have a semi-dual – Eric, my ex-boyfriend, ENTp with ISTp. But I felt like something was wrong in the relationship and I wasn’t willing to marry, even before I knew socionics – I just felt like something was wrong, something was missing. I was still hoping to find a soulmate that would complete me and interact with me the way Rachael did – she was a dual, but she was female.

It wasn’t just lack of love, it was also the recurring disasters that kept me from having children. I could never get control of my money when I kept repeatedly losing jobs and getting thrown out of apartments and contaminating all my belongings with horribly toxic chemicals so that I had to throw everything in the garbage – all of the disasters written in my blog over all this time. The mind controllers forced me to have infinite, endless disasters. It is not by my own choice that I do these things.

That is why there is no love and there are no children. I am alone and I am going to die.

I expect it would be more difficult to convince this particular guy to have unprotected sex with completed, vaginal ejaculation. Guatemalans have different sexual norms. They are Catholics and they have huge numbers of children. Koreans have more American-like sexual norms, which means, all of them are brainwashed to believe in the
depopulation program. Koreans are circumcised because the USA invaded them and forced them to adopt different norms than the rest of Asia, who are uncircumcised (a good thing). Cirumcision is a horrible evil.

The ‘Great Beyond’ is another belief which I named after watching ‘Sausage Party.’ That movie isn’t just about heaven and religion, it’s about postponing *anything at all* into a vague, imaginary future where everything will finally be perfectly settled and safe and ideal. Nothing will ever be perfect. If you aren’t having sex and babies during a time of imperfection and instability and disaster, then you aren’t having babies AT ALL, EVER. That is my life. You MUST HAVE imperfect babies during times of disaster, instability, and financial instability and social chaos. It means, right now, no matter what. I wasn’t aware of what this meant to me until I suddenly had this opportunity with Agustin, and suddenly, my values became clear to me. I valued the imperfect babies even in this chaos. The baby that would never have a father because he was leaving – I still wanted it. I knew it was tragic and sad and it would be a sad, long, lonely life without a father. I still wanted it to live.

So I doubt I will be able to convince this particular guy to make me pregnant. He will be thinking, wait until after college, wait until financial stability, wait until I find my soulmate who I truly love rather than just a temporary crush in the workplace who is really more like a good friend instead of a soulmate. We would be like good friends with benefits. We are almost like brother and sister. It isn’t an ideal relationship. I know he won’t be ready to get me pregnant this very instant, for thousands of reasons.

He will worry that I am going to demand money from him (although in reality I am going to try to get back on food stamps again – I was on them in the past, then I let it expire and for various technical reasons wasn’t able to get on them again – I have to get paperwork for that). He doesn’t want me to divorce him and demand alimony payments that will enslave him forever. I know – I’ve read Warren Farrell. I know what men are afraid of. He doesn’t want to be my financial slave, paying thousands of dollars to me so that I can take it and go shopping at yard sales, like Eric’s ex-wife used to do with her child support payments. Whoopieeeee! Yard sale money!!! I’m rich! I know. I understand. I’ve hated my jobs too. I hate work. All jobs in general, I hate. Working in general, I hate. How does it feel to be a slave to the ex wife who takes all your money when you hate your job and hate work in general, all work?

He instinctively wants to have sex, which is normal, but he will resist the instinct to impregnate me, because he has heard about the horrible consequences of pregnancy and will be programmed to avoid those consequences. I call it a program. It came from our schools. Our sex education classes taught us this. Then, men hear about divorces, alimony, and child support from thousands of friends, acquaintances, coworkers, and strangers who have had those
experiences, and they learn never to trust a woman with your money, or you’ll be a slave and a victim for life, because all women want is to take all your money and grab you by the balls and drag you around and make you do whatever they want. All our long life, we have been bombarded with the message that terrible, terrible, terrible things happen to women who get pregnant, or to the men who get them pregnant. I believed all of it, all this time, and was waiting until ‘the great beyond,’ the time when all of my life would be settled, safe, ideal, and perfect, before I could get pregnant. That is why it has never happened.

I am now desperate and obsessive – I went a long time without a boyfriend, because Jesse went into the army and was stationed in Washington state. I just waited and waited and did nothing. What year was it – he was there all of 2015, right? He was there all of 2016. Maybe it was…. I’m confused. This is October 2016, and he has been there all this year. He came home on Christmas of 2015. He was there most of the year in 2015. That’s right, he left in winter 2015 early in the year, went to basic training, then got stationed. So 2014 is the last time I really had Jesse living nearby and was visiting him frequently. Jesse was so paranoid about pregnancy that not only would he use a condom, he would also pull out before ejaculating, AND THEN, to add insult to injury, he actually would not allow me to touch or look at or hold the condom, and would quickly throw it into the trash (although if I insisted I could have dug it out of the trash when he wasn’t looking and impregnated myself with the semen). He had been programmed.

The numbers of the years no longer mean much to me. Maybe I must start saying them in the Chinese zodiac way – the year of the lion, the year of the monkey, the year of the tiger, so that they will have meaning and be memorable. Numbers are empty now. The years mean something when you’re in school and you can say what grade you were in when something happened. But in adulthood, the years lose all meaning. Each year is like the next.

Do they have a year of the lion? I know they have a tiger, but maybe not lions? I forget.

The year of the kitty cat. The year of the raccoon. The year of the possum. The year of the mongoose. The year of the duck-billed platypus. I could go on and on with this. The year of the … what are they called? I remembered it from another word which came from Dr. Who, which I have never watched, but I read this in a wikipedia article… the TARDIS – tardigrades, that’s how I remember what they are called. There was an experiment called ‘TARDIS’ or something, tardigrades in space, where they put those ‘water bears,’ tiny little microscopic animals, into outer space to see if they lived. The year of the tardigrade. ‘TARDIS’ was the name of something in Dr. Who, maybe the device that transports them, or the name of a computer or something – I never watched it so I don’t know.

So… I have been alone a long time. Getting a crush on Agustin at Kaarma was a wonderful thing, when I had been alone so long – but he quickly left me and said he was moving out of town. I have no contact information for him, other than asking his friends, and I’d have to speak Spanish. He didn’t want to be followed or contacted.

So now here I am floundering without a boyfriend, yet not resigned to being alone the way I was all those months when Jesse was in the army and I was just patiently waiting for him. During that time I was resigned to life without love. I just had nobody. I had my coworkers at McDonald’s when I was still working there, but no crushes on any of them.

However, surround me with a bunch of foreign guys and crushes will happen instantly, because I am a xenophile. I absolutely love foreign people. Foreign people are much, much, much sexier and more fascinating than English-American guys. Or German-American or whatever they are (I was chatting with someone online who pointed out that Germans populated much of the USA, including Pennsylvania, and I looked on a map and saw it was true – I google searched for some phrase and found it, something like ‘which ethnic groups settled in which regions of the USA?’ or something).

I have loved Koreans for a long time. I was looking online randomly at Korean things, although I also googled dozens of other ethnic groups too – people from Tibet, people from Australia – every ethnic group and every race on earth was fascinating and wonderful, and I loved looking at pictures of them. All are beautiful to me. But I looked into Koreans enough to actually go and watch some Korean dramas and Korean movies online, which was more than I did with a lot of other cultures. (All of this required a lot of free time using the internet, and I tended to do it more if I were on a lot of drugs, like caffeine and St. John’s Wort and ginseng.)

One reason why they are attractive is because their hair is usually a couple inches longer than American men’s hair. American men, at least here in Pennsylvania, are shaving their heads and keeping their hair horribly, disgustingly short. Koreans and Asians in general tend to have hair which is only just an inch or two longer. You would not believe what a huge difference this makes to a man’s attractiveness. A man with a shaved head is utterly, completely repulsive and doesn’t even look human. It looks like a non-human species, a non-human robot. It is disgusting.

Asian men more frequently have hair that hangs just a little bit. It still isn’t long enough for my taste, as I want the Sikh-like fully grown ‘kesh,’ the fully grown hair and completely uncut beards in any race that is capable of growing beards – I do not demand that people grow beards if they aren’t able to, nor do I express preference for beards over the lack of beards – all people are simply required to grow whatever they have. Foreign men in general very often have just one or two inches longer hair than American men, therefore they are more attractive. Agustin had hair which was slightly longer, although he was putting hair gel on it and making it stand up in spikes, like all the Guatemalans did. It seriously is only an inch or two longer, but it makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD. That which was utterly repulsive and utterly inhuman suddenly becomes desirable after only a few weeks or months of growing their hair and beards out. It is magic.

My laptop battery will die soon, although I can turn it back on and use it again after it shuts down. But I will just go back to bed for a while.

Anyway… I am obsessed. I have an official crush now. I cannot help myself. I already know he will refuse to impregnate me, but I *can’t help* wanting to go after him, wanting to tell him, wanting to touch him, wondering how I am going to ask him to spend time with me away from work – I don’t know how, I don’t know if I have the courage, it will be uncomfortable, it will be sickening and terrifying, it will be painful, it will be abrupt and unnatural, it will be too much too soon, it will be too harsh, it will ruin the process of gradually and slowly getting to know each other – I can’t do it. He will just remain an unfulfilled workplace crush that I cannot really touch, cannot kiss or hug, cannot make love with. I can barely touch him for a few moments, but we cannot fully focus on each other in a workplace. Brief little touches only make me want more.

Oh and I definitely can see differences between Asians and Europeans. Asians do tend to be much faster – faster in speech, faster in movement, faster in skill. Their thoughts are deeper and the things that they think to say are more inconceivable, more novel and unexpected. Mostly, speed is the difference. Myro talks so fast I can barely hear her. Suk is extremely fast at cutting. These are not merely individual differences in skill or speed, but general tendencies throughout the entire Asian races. I have seen it with many more of them. However, the differences, perhaps, are not so huge that I won’t be able to have my crush. I might feel inferior, I might feel stupid, I might feel shallow, I might feel as though my own observations are lacking insight and lacking novelty, maybe. Maybe someone will condescend to mate with an inferior race.

The battery will die soon. I’ll just shut down instead of turning it back on after it shuts off automatically.

Rigged elections

October 20, 2016

Donald Trump is talking publicly about the phenomenon of rigged election results. What! We’re not allowed to acknowledge that the phenomenon of election rigging even exists in america! Now it’s all over the headlines, this discussion of whether it’s possible that election results might not be telling the gospel truth all the time. And BEFORE the election, nonetheless! Rather than in the middle of it when we suddenly, shockingly notice, to our utter surprise, that exit poll results do not match election results. Unthinkable!

On Oct 19, 2016 7:33 PM, "Nicole Binns" <eagledove9> wrote:

This crush has been developing over the past couple weeks. It is absolutely an official crush now. He is an ISTP like myself. Even before I ate the st John’s wort yesterday, I was still becoming obsessed. It’s even worse today. I want to leave work this instant and go find him. I’m past ovulation but my body doesn’t care. South koreans are circumcised, according to the map of cirumcision around the world. But i will overlook that. I cant explain it now since im still on the clock. I just cant bear to be without him here for the next few hours. I have no plan for how to ask him, though. I need a plan. I want to pronounce his korean name correctly.

How to say that name?

October 19, 2016

This crush has been developing over the past couple weeks. It is absolutely an official crush now. He is an ISTP like myself. Even before I ate the st John’s wort yesterday, I was still becoming obsessed. It’s even worse today. I want to leave work this instant and go find him. I’m past ovulation but my body doesn’t care. South koreans are circumcised, according to the map of cirumcision around the world. But i will overlook that. I cant explain it now since im still on the clock. I just cant bear to be without him here for the next few hours. I have no plan for how to ask him, though. I need a plan. I want to pronounce his korean name correctly.

Lard for breakfàst

October 19, 2016

My lard got delivered. I ate a tiny finger swipe of it. I can feel the belly fat dropping off my body right now (maybe). I’m joking. It’s tiny one ounce containers from "Fatworks," a compromise. I believe it isn’t grass finished. I’m testing. It has rosemary, which causes high blood pressure and abortions. But that prevents oxidation, the real cause of fat induced heart attacks. All herbs are antioxidants that can be used for fats. I bought fat pants yesterday, size 14, and I almost had to get size 16. I was 155 or more when I weighed myself. Maybe 157. Too much. Unexplained causes, only in the past couple months. Maybe it’s all these miscarriages. But it began before that. It began at Kaarma before I even had sex. I wonder if hopniss residues cause obesity. They are a protease inhibitor.

laundromat now

October 18, 2016

I had to run errands today. One was unexpected. I was unable to find my phone this morning, and finally found it buried in a bag in my backpack – the plastic bag that had wet dish gloves from work in it. The phone was all wet. Fortunately, this is a phone that I disliked from the beginning and I wanted to get a different one all along, so I am not that upset. It’s still kind of working, but a few things are not working properly – the sound is very, very quiet. I’m just going ahead and replacing it. I’m going to transfer my number to another new phone that is an Alcatel phone instead of an LG phone. I hope the Alcatel phone works better, but I don’t know. Eventually I will probably want to try the ‘bring your own phone’ option with my tracfone, but I haven’t chosen a brand yet that I would want to do this with. I hate all of them, and with good reason, but don’t feel like getting into it right now.

So now I’m just at the laundromat. I washed a few clothes and now I’m just charging various batteries and stuff and maybe I will play a little bit of Terraria. I’m also planning to wash my hair tonight before I leave, but not yet.

At weis

October 18, 2016

I’m typing on my phone. I’m at Weis market. I’m running errands on my day off. I’m going to try to buy more pants to wear to work. I nibbled St. john’s wort growing across the street from here, and I will probably regret that later. But it sometimes makes me write stories. But it also causes severe fatigue. I’ll write more when I get on my laptop later. I have to go to a couple more places. I’m so frustrated at not being able to test my fertility again. That was the most interesting thing that ever happened to me. I had more EWCM again today which was weird.


October 16, 2016

I think Myro is LSE-ESTj, after thinking about it. So Mike is her semi-dual. I remember what a semi-dual feels like. She liked Steve instantly when he stopped by one time to see me. Steve is EII-INFj, my activator, her dual.

Suk is my extinguisher, SLE-ESTp. Today we had a mutually frustrating incident. Basically she said, "You must do XYZ," and I said, "no, I don’t want to," about four or five times in a row. Classic extinguishment (also known as contrary) relation.

I’m ovulating. Every single young male Korean customer who comes to the counter is adorable. All of them! How can every one of them be so cute?

Missing ovulation

October 16, 2016

I had "EWCM" today, a sign of ovulation. Yesterday a particular gentleman pressed against me from behind, but we have not made the leap into actually having sex yet. So I don’t get to perform fertility testing this month. It will be too late if I have sex in the next couple days, unless the semen triggers another ovulation.

sitting at the laundromat; some conflicts going on at work

October 16, 2016

1:17 PM 10/16/2016

I took a fairly thorough bath in the sink at the laundromat today.

I have so many things to do, but I don’t feel able to do them in the evening after work. It’s much easier for me to do my tasks and projects on days when I am completely off work and have unlimited time.

A couple times in the last few days, I went wandering through this town in the evening. I looked at all the people. I can’t stand most of them. I walked up and down the two main streets of this town, where the people walk, and there are only these two streets and no other streets. If you can’t find what you want on those two streets, then you can’t find it anywhere, because you can’t go wandering up and down the hallways of apartment buildings or dormitories. People have to be outdoors in order to be seen, and most of them are at home playing games, using the computer, or watching TV.

I talked about personality types yesterday at work, because I was seeing a problem. Some people are saying that Rich is too grumpy and he’s not getting along with them. This is a socionics problem. They say it’s because he’s not getting any sleep and he’s too tired, which is also true, but socionics is what makes it intolerable for some people, but tolerable to others. I decided Rich might possibly be an SEI-ISFp instead of an ESE-ESFj like I originally thought he was; all that I know for sure is that he is an Alpha SF. When I brought up the personality types topic, and said I thought he might be an ESFj, he said he thought he was more of an introvert.

Mike is an ESI-ISFj, and Myro is either an LIE-ENTj or an LSE-ESTj – I’m not completely certain about her type and I don’t encounter enough LIEs to be really familiar with them. I think Mike’s friend Dave is an LIE-ENTj, but again, I could be wrong – he could be an ESTj instead. I don’t always know how to recognize intuition if it’s the creative function. I wasn’t able to identify Kat’s type either, but ‘they’ typed her as ILI-INTp.

Paul is IEI-INFp, but I originally thought he was SEI-ISFp. He did something that made it more obvious he was using intuition instead of sensing. Paul’s mom, Suk (we just pronounce it ‘Sue’ and that was what I always heard – it isn’t pronounced ‘suck’ in a rough way, but rather, if you hear the ‘k’ at all, it is merely to end the word quickly with a glottal stop rather than trailing off with a long ‘u’ sound) I originally thought was LSI-ISTj, but she could also be a SLE-ESTp. I know she is a Beta ST.

There are a bunch of other people who I barely know at all and barely talk to. I have no idea what type Natalie is, and I have barely spoken a few sentences with her. Raymond I also don’t know, but thought he might be an ILI-INTp. James – I don’t know, something pretty easygoing, maybe even another SLI-ISTp like myself. Joseph – something very quiet and easygoing, perhaps another SLI-ISTp, but I also considered LII-INTj and EII-INFj, some sort of Alpha-Delta introvert. Joseph is extremely withdrawn, and I’ve noticed it’s very easy to just talk loudly over top of him while he is talking, and whatever he was saying just gets forgotten or ignored. I’ve experienced that myself many times in my life.

There are some new people whose names I don’t know, and some delivery drivers whose names I never remember even though they’ve been here since I started – Vinny, unknown type, Sergei, unknown type, and a few others. There are people who I only know by face. Austin and Justin – both new, and I know next to nothing about them. Some tall guy who I don’t often work with and have absolutely no clue about his name, but he superficially resembles Mike my previous homeowner/landlord where I was living at Black Bear Lane, who was a SLI-ISTp. He actually looks like him and kind of acts like him too.

I am seeing the conflict between Rich and Mike. If Rich is an SEI-ISFp and Mike is an ESI-ISFj, those are quasi-identicals. If Rich is an ESFj, they’re extinguishers. Both of those are relations with the opposite quadra and they can be difficult, especially if one person really is having a problem with not getting enough sleep and being more irritable than usual. When you have problems that are changing your behavior, the more compatible socionic relations are able to tolerate your behavior better than the less compatible relations. But that’s not always true either. I only know that I myself am barely aware of Rich’s grumpiness because it seems normal to me and doesn’t seem to be ‘out of bounds’ in any way, but to Mike and Myro it’s annoying enough to be a major conflict.

I’m not sure why Rich isn’t sleeping. He is having difficulties with sleep, beyond merely ‘not getting enough sleep.’ He isn’t *choosing* not to sleep – he *can’t* sleep, from what I understand. He is going to bed and lying there awake unable to fall asleep. If I had a decontamination center up and running I’d send him there and see if he could sleep after getting clean. I’d also use shielded areas without wifi and without cell phone radiation to protect him against other possible causes of sleeplessness. I’ve been wanting to make decontamination centers for a few years now; they would also be used to help people stop tobacco and stop other drugs. It would be a spa-like place, but you would live there without leaving for several months.

Last night, I played Terraria. I haven’t played that game since last winter. I rediscovered how hugely time consuming it is. I didn’t even try to pick up any of the games that I left at more difficult stages. I was becoming frustrated with it. I had to look up everything online in the Terraria wiki to find out how to do things, because some of the things you have to do are just impossible. Fortunately for that wiki I was able to learn how to play the game.

I have been going through a phase where I feel like I don’t enjoy my job. So yesterday I mentioned again to Rich that I want to learn to do the cooking. If I try something new I might enjoy it more. I don’t mind washing dishes; I just don’t enjoy prepping, and it’s hard to explain why (without mentioning socionics or personality types). I am a perceiving type. Perceiving types like to wait for a certain state to occur before they decide to do something. Judging types like to take action to reach a particular state. So, a judging type is better for prepping, because they like to go through a to-do list and take actions needed to reach a state of preparedness. They like to cut vegetables all day in order to reach a state of ‘having three containers full’ and that kind of thing. I myself find it
instinctively, intrinsically difficult to orient myself this way. I just *don’t like* to think in terms of preparing three containers of the vegetables. I tend to think more along the lines of ‘if we are running out, it’s time to make more.’ I want to be the one who *uses* the prepared vegetables rather than the one preparing them. If I myself am both preparing and also using them, then I am able to understand how it fits into the big picture – I am able to understand that I actually will need three of them in one day, and I am able to understand that I will have limited time to do this preparation.

But none of this would matter if it were me, because I would absolutely and definitely be using a machine to do this job. I would have the job totally done in a couple of minutes using a food processor instead of slicing by hand. However, it is impossible to get machines that are durable and that don’t break down. I didn’t even think of that at first, when I was first fantasizing about getting us a food processor.

But then, Charles (a delivery driver/dishwasher of unknown type, other than ‘he’s something religious’) came in and said that the food processor had broken down at his other job, and they needed to borrow one of our mandolins, a little device where you slide the vegetables against some blades, at the risk of your hands, so you wear special gloves made out of knitted tough fabric. I realized that all appliances are utter garbage, even if they are intended for heavy duty industrial purposes, because it is impossible to buy durable goods in today’s economy for many reasons. You have to find a supplier that is making it in the USA with non-slave employees. Appliances made in China by slaves are going to be garbage quality. You have to find appliances that contain all metal parts, nothing plastic. You have to pretend plastic never even existed. Rubber parts are okay, but they have to be the right kind of rubber. Rubber is necessary for some things.

I’m going to post this because I guess I have to start getting ready to go to work, but I’m really tired and don’t want to go. I’ve been feeling really negative about work. I think it would help, though, if I learned to cook. If I could be part of the entire process from start to finish, I would understand the importance of prepping. It would be much more meaningful to me if I were up there cooking during a rush and suddenly ran out of something I needed, so that I would understand the need for prepping this stuff. As of right now, the prepping is just something isolated by itself, unimportant and meaningless and pointless. I am just one small piece in the factory, unable to understand the big picture. I have to understand where all the prepping fits in. I only know that my feelings have been very negative lately and something needs to be done about it. I’m just not sure of the best thing to do.


October 14, 2016

How much better would the McDonalds biscuits and gravy be if it were all natural and made with traditional ingredients and real animal fats? It was disgusting… It just had some kind of burning spicy flavor, like MSG or pepper or something.

The hole in the ground, the clay pot, and the fire

October 13, 2016

7:38 PM 10/13/2016

I’m at the laundromat right now. I’m washing my work clothes, my coat, and also the pillows that are completely covered with mold. I’ve been sleeping on those pillows with a blanket over top of them and not having any major problems. Those were the same pillows I slept on when I had pertussis last winter, too, so they still have all the leftover dried up pertussis germs on them.

I am having a strange feeling that I love life and that I am happy. That’s not the only feeling I have. But I do love being in the woods. I don’t have enough time to spend there, because I spend so much time working. I had today off.

On Tuesday, my other day off, I dug a hole in the ground. It was only a small hole.

I have a lot to say and all of it is flooding into my brain now. I can’t write it fast enough.

I’m compromising. I really want to use only primitive handmade tools, but I am using a metal shovel. This is my transition. Nobody is expected to just jump into the woods without any tools and make them all from scratch the very first time. People grow up in a community where other people have already made the tools, even if they live in a stone age community. So I am forgiving myself for compromising and using modern tools during transition.

I still haven’t done the things I need to do. I need to kill an animal with a crossbow. I can’t pull back a regular bow. I could use an atlatl – a spear thrower – they say atlatls are able to be used by women and children. But a crossbow is easiest to obtain, and I would forgive myself during the transition to a primitive life.

I should have been here all along. I should have gone back to the woods immediately after winter was over this year, way back in March. I didn’t because at that time, I was suffering terrible fatigue caused by pesticide contamination from McDonald’s and was unable to get out of bed for months.

On Tuesday, I dug a small hole in the woods. I dug up clay. I dug out some large rocks and removed them. I didn’t go very deep.

There are many reasons why I need to dig holes. This is like playing Terraria, and now I want to play Terraria again. I don’t have my mouse with me at the moment – it’s in the tent, the storage tent – I saw it the other day when I was looking through there but didn’t grab it. I should have. I will next time I go in there.

I need the clay underground. It is a useful material. It is right below the surface. The surface is a couple inches of dark black topsoil, because I am in the woods, which has been left alone for a while, so it is all the rotten fallen leaves, sticks, and logs, which are being eaten by worms and kept moist at all times. It is the best quality humus, wonderful stuff.

The clay can be made into things, I don’t know what. It could be made into pots. It could be made into bricks. It could be used to seal the spaces between the sticks and logs of a house. It could be made into a wall. I can use it for washing my hair. I want to try that sometime, but I cannot do it in a normal shower, because all the clay will go down the drain. I tried washing my hair in the woods the other day with creek water, but it was so cold that the water pouring on my head caused agonizing, unbearable pain. It was utterly intolerable. I will just wash my hair in the sink with hot water from now on. When I used to wash my dreadlocks in the creeks, I wasn’t pouring a whole lot of water directly onto my head.

Today, I was about to go sort through the stuff in the storage tent, but instead I spontaneously went to the hole and started playing with clay. I made a clay pot. I brought up my gallon jug of creek water and mixed it with the clay. The clay pot was just experimental, to learn how the clay behaves. I already know you cannot make a strong clay pot with nothing but clay. It should be mixed with some kind of fiber, or it will crack and fall apart.

Then I decided to make a fire in the hole in the ground. I haven’t made fires in the woods before. I only made a fire in the grill at Slab Cabin Park a few years ago. I haven’t been making fires because it’s not allowed in the woods where I am camping, and it will draw attention to where I am, and people could come find me. If I were far away from my camp while making a fire, that would be different, but I was right next to my camp. It points directly to my camp’s location.

I cheated again, using modern materials. I used a lighter and lit a candle. The word ‘candle’ sounds like ‘kindle’ because they are the same thing – you can use a candle to kindle a fire. I love
candlelight. I bought this candle – again, a compromise – at a local store in town. It’s made of toxic chemicals. I would prefer a candle made of beeswax or tallow, all natural, with no colors or perfumes. Inhaling toxic chemicals from candles causes heart attacks. The smoke and chemicals go into your lungs and then into your bloodstream.

Then I used these firestarter things that I have had for years and have kept sealed shut inside several ziploc bags and kept it outdoors, never in the tent, because they have some foul, intense, disgusting perfume which is so strong it goes right through all the layers of plastic. They’re just a big cup shaped thing of wax with a paper wrapper around the edge, basically another candle. I used those to start the fire.

The fire was made from only a few small broken sticks. I was able to find some that were pretty dry, although it rained recently and everything is always wet at Walnut Springs Park, as it’s a wetland. The soil is constantly wet there.

The fire started successfully after I shifted the logs around a little bit. Then I watched it for several minutes. Mostly, it was just the burning wax from the firestarter, and not a real fire, but some of the smaller twigs were actually burning for real. There was enough smoke that people would be able to see.

I only let it go for a few minutes. I attempted to put my clay pot onto the fire to see if it would dry. The clay pot was already having some issues and was cracking and collapsing. It was only a practice pot, and I have plenty of clay, so I wasn’t concerned. Then I put out the fire after a few minutes of worrying about who might see it or smell it. I piled all the dirt over top of the fire. I also destroyed the clay pot in the process but I don’t mind, I can make more of them.

This was sort of symbolic of my getting pregnant for a day or two and then losing the baby.

I’m happy to be outdoors. The tent is cozy. When I sleep, I am inside many blankets and sleeping bags. I am warm. Jacob curls up with me and stays warm. I have my thermometer in the tent so I can see how cold it is in there. The tent is too small and my stuff is disorganized. I really need more room in a more open space so that I can find everything and use everything easily. I need a real house, a solid house, made of sticks, logs, stones, and dirt.

I have fresh air in the woods, and this makes a huge difference in how I feel. I should have done this months ago. I should have been there all summer long and all spring. I should have been there unemployed, spending only the money from my tax refund, instead of staying in the house at Black Bear Lane with chronic fatigue unable to get out of bed and unable to hunt for a job.

I have peanut butter and jelly, with hamburger buns, from the local convenience store, because they were out of regular bread. I hate that kind of food, but I need something to keep at room temperature. You’re not supposed to keep jelly at room temperature, so I’m going to find out what happens when you do. I have a feeling jelly was actually designed to be kept at room temperature. It will probably get moldy faster, but for a few days, it will be okay.

It is a happy life to be in the woods again, but I am lonely. I need a community of people who agree with me.

Maybe I’ll do a google search for what happens when you keep jelly at room temperature.

The tick bite is visible above my nipple. It’s a big red itchy dot. I had the same thing happen before, down on my lower right abdomen. The tick bite was there for MONTHS, maybe even a whole year, before it finally disappeared, and it would often start itching again, after having become inactive for a long time. It’s definitely something very nasty. But I have no Lyme disease symptoms. I’ve already got chronic fatigue syndrome. That’s how I learned about Lyme disease in the first place, researching that. I’m not gonna panic and get vaccinated for Lyme disease because I believe it really is true what I read: if you do nothing, and simply ignore it, there will be no problems, but if you go and get vaccinated for it, that will aggravate it, cause a problem, and cause you to get full blown Lyme disease with all the symptoms. I’m not worried about it.

I need to fall in love and have a baby. My ovulation will pass without a chance to get pregnant this month. I don’t have anyone who is in process to have sex with me. My coworkers – I don’t have any huge crushes on anyone at the moment. I was under the influence of transdermal drug residues from Aunt Jeannie’s boyfriend, who appears to be using some kind of antidepressant or something, I’m guessing – I didn’t ask, I only noticed it afterwards – and so, for several days, I was extra friendly and I seemed to be flirting with people.

I’m not using ginseng anymore, and the ginseng was another thing that caused me to sexually attract people. It was the main reason why I was able to get Agustin’s attention at Kaarma.

I’m not as comfortable as I need to be – I need to build
infrastructure. I need to build a home, I need to set up ways of doing things, such as ways to get hot water, ways to make a fire and keep it hidden, ways to store food, ways to dry food, ways to process food, all of those things. I need a workshop where I can build things. If I made all of that, I would have a comfortable home. I could even install solar panels. I would have to put them up in the trees.