fuck autocorrect!

July 25, 2017

Warren Buffett! I spelled it right!

I will soon get food and go online

July 25, 2017

My phone battery is running out. I’m going to get jars of baby food as my source of vegetables while camping. I was serious about that. They are the ideal portion size. No waste. I’m thinking about the RV, deciding what to do. My brain is tired, numb, and empty of thoughts, but I have been thinking if only a little. I am resting without eating. I had a few of the “Shorty” sausages that you can get at gas stations, which use celery salt instead of nitrites. And I had 1.5 caffeine pills. The half was a previously broken one. I have water to drink. But I love the woods. I want this fresh air. It is not really quiet, because the roads are nearby, but it’s *much* quieter than the apartment, which was right next to the road. I want the freedom to build infrastructure. I want to build fires and grow food and learn to hunt or trap the wild animals. I want the dams to be broken on all the rivers to let the fish swim. Warren Buffet promised to break one of his dams. I want a windmill to make my own electricity, and a microturbine in the creek. I want treetop platforms to get sunlight for my plants, and I want to chop off individual tree branches to get light to the ground instead of chopping whole trees down. Trees will live for thousands of years. But we must also accept the use of forest fires, perhaps controlled fires. So our infrastructure must be safe from controlled burns. I want underground tunnels and rooms to go in during thunderstorms. I want sun pipes to bring real light into my houses. I want moss to grow on the floor. I will go eat something now…

fuck autocorrect and the lack thereof, I can’t get online

July 25, 2017

there are typos I can’t fix and I’m a perfectionist and it’s hard to proofread on this tiny screen when the keyboard doesn’t disappear while I try to scroll through the text. Campug? Covfefe?

insults from the voices

July 25, 2017

I also have heard voices behaving differently since I got here. In the dream they were making insulting puns. They said, pits and spitz will be used for a roast at the wedding – barbecue fire pit, a spit which is the stick you roast something on – the roast is a barrage of insults, and they will insult me because I smell bad, no showers – armpits, and spit, dried saliva, from drooling while I sleep. If I could build infrastructure here, I would set up a place to wash off, not just in the ice cold creek, which I have done but it isn’t worth the agony. I can’t build fires here. It’s not allowed, campug isn’t allowed, and the fire will lead people to my location. I’m harder to reach than I was in the place where neighbors found my tent and called the police, but I’m still findable. We have all this ten foot high honeysuckle and other bushes that one must go through. Matthew came here with me. He carried heavy bags of my stuff, and I kept asking if he wanted me to take one of the bags because they would’ve been making his arms go numb. But he wouldn’t let me. He probably felt I was insulting his strength, but I wasn’t. I recently read elsewhere on a forum about the definition of rape by coercion, which is when you say no but someone verbally pressures you. My rape by Stefan meets that definition. I can actually say I was raped. I had trichomoniasis during the Matthew time. It affected the outcome of events. I cannot calculate the amount of damage done.


July 25, 2017

At least one hopniss plant survived the winter. I had several in a pot that I transplanted in 2016 to these woods, but didn’t k ow if they lived. I saw one fully grown. You have no idea how happy I am, if I weren’t numb and exhausted and stressed. I re-naturalized a native. I have conflicting feelings about hopniss: it is one of the suspects in causing obesity. It is a protease inhibitor. All I do is inhale the air near it, and I feel dizzy. I suddenly became fatter during the time period when I first had the hopniss delivered and was touching them and planting them. I also know I won’t be able to eat the tubers without extreme vomiting no matter if I process them… although sun drying might do it, as the natural pesticide is destroyed by ultraviolet. Maybe I’ll do it on a day when I have plenty of time to go to the hospital while vomiting uncontrollably. It is *not* the inulin fiber that causes this. Fuck autocorrect, not “insulin fiber.” Must pick them at the right time of year (when???) to minimize poison, mash them, sun dry them to give ultraviolet, run water through them, soak them in water, overcook them (not in that order) – every primitive processing method. Terrible poison. Some claim to eat them just fine. But I know I had uncontrollable diarrhea from that tuber, jicama, a similar plant. As in, the type of thing where you change your clothes afterwards. The poison triggers electrical signals in the nerves of the intestine. Hopniss will be like jicama but worse. But nevertheless, I’m so happy one lived!!! I made an impact on our ecosystem by bringing a native back. It will be hardy, perennial, and spreads by rooting, not seeds. So it will live here forever and spread out from where I planted it. I feel I’ve done a good job on the earth.

waking up at 3pm

July 25, 2017

I just stayed in bed here at the tent, without caffeine and without food. I do have a couple dried sausages in a bag in my backpack, and finally ate one of those with a caffeine pill. I won’t do what I did in 2016, which was, I was going to make a house of sticks here. After being harassed by police a few times, I don’t want anyone destroying things. I have to do a different project. Owning a piece of land is an eventual project. I’m going to wait for the caffeine to kick in and then decide what to do. I still feel a sense of hurry, although there aren’t any house-related deadlines right now.

in the tent now

July 25, 2017

This will be short because I’m going back to bed. I got up very early to move my rental truck out of the lot where I kept it overnight at the laundromat, so that no one would complain or tow it. I dropped it off at the PUTR pickup truck rental, and rode my bike home. It’s not even 7am yet. I can definitely feel the lack of wifi here. But I know I can’t make progress or do projects while camping, because I can’t invest in infrastructure. Too many police and neighbors who will destroy it. I must own land, or get an RV first. I have to do the project of getting those. The RV is easiest to start with. I’m going back to sleep now.

finish setting up the tent

July 24, 2017

My old tent has holes in it, from creatures and unknown things, so I got a new one and have to set it up. Jacob is out there at the old one and I’m in a hurry to go back and visit him so he isn’t abandoned. I had to run around doing errands and taking a nap in the truck and putting something in storage. I also had to deal with the carpet cleaning and have to turn in my receipt for that.

I’m really, really, really stressed right now. I haven’t settled in. Also, I won’t be camping forever. I want to buy an RV, but will research it a little first. For now, just settle in to camping in the tent and then go from there.

Two ibuprofens; I’m waking up a bit

July 24, 2017

Okay, took that and a vivarin caffeine pill. "Major changes" means I will either relocate to another town, because I’ve wanted to leave this town for 20 years; or, I will get an RV and start living in that; or I will go back to school. Something major has to change – I have to change the things that are causing recurring problems, especially the problems with apartment rentals.

Putting off as much as possible

July 24, 2017

I’m in the room and I am in unbearable pain still, although I can feel the lack of hundreds of overlapping wifis. I can’t move yet and can’t sleep. There are a couple boxes that must go down the path to the tent. So, I will put those inside the rental truck and keep them there all day. I will only move Jacob and his food. I have to carry him there in darkness. I might take two more ibuprofens even though they make me want to vomit. In the morning after sunrise I’ll vacuum this floor. The carpet cleaners come in the afternoon. I have to get cash to give them and go get some envelopes downstairs that my roommate showed me. I can’t do all this, but I will. If I have gall, which I won’t, then I’ll call off sick from work. While driving, I considered doing a two week notice from work but was too emotionally numb and exhausted to decide. I couldn’t snap. I just have to make major changes. I’m going to take two ibuprofens and see if it takes away some of my agony. Chronic fatigue syndrome, failure to recover from minor exertion of moving a few objects to storage. I cannot carry Jacob in daylight. I must go soon.

The wifi

July 24, 2017

Now that most people are gone from this building, their individual wifis are shut off. I feel much less miserable in here. That is why this place made me have chronic fatigue, all the wifi.

I drove around looking for the liberator. Then I got a camera

July 23, 2017

I put my stuff in storage. I have to move a few things to the tent but I’m gonna rest. I drove random places in the truck, because I need to be able to think and to feel. When I want to go down the mysterious side roads, I am wanting to find someone who has the knowledge and the resources to liberate me. I don’t seek other slaves who are contented to be slaves. Fundamentally, spiritually, I’m seeking the liberator. They know the way out. I want to go where I’m not being mind controlled. Driving a car gives me some relief. But I’m exhausted. I fantasize about a Harry Potter-like scene of someone showing you the whole other secret world. All this came from me wondering what is the amazing, wonderful thing I hope to find, down all the secret side roads. … Then I got a camera because my phone always runs out of space. My old camera has fog inside it, so all the pictures look like the big one on facebook where my family is in the driveway. It wasn’t a deliberate foggy effect, it was a broken camera.

waves of work

July 23, 2017

I’m in so much pain I took two ibuprofens. I’m doing waves of work followed by waves of rest. I’m almost done putting everything in boxes. After that’s done, I will bring it down to the truck. The waves of work last about five minutes or less, then I lie down for maybe ten or fifteen minutes. I’m being severely attacked – they won’t let me rest. They’re burning me. I hear voices and feel the burn when I lie down. They could fix everything if they just pushed the forced sleep button. I’m getting it done very slowly. I can’t use the internet right now so I’m texting from my phone.

Rule #2: If they say ‘each like, share, and subscribe contributes to the project…’ it’s fake

July 23, 2017

Ugh. I have to do something other than use the internet. I think it’s time to get up and start working.

If the first line of text that you see next to the search result says something like ‘Each like, share, and subscribe contributes to the project!’ it’s a fake aggregator, a spammer. Each like, share, and subscribe contributes to the project of filling up the search results with spam to prevent real people from finding real results. If you want to contribute to that particular project, then by all means, have fun doing so. But if that’s not the kind of project you want to contribute to, avoid these spam channels.

Rule #1: If there’s an icon in the corner, the video is fake

July 23, 2017

Just like any article that has a number in the title (7 things you need to know about XYZ) is spam, any UFO video with any kind of icon in the corner whatsoever is fake. It doesn’t matter what the icon is. If the video has a username with an icon next to it, or if the video itself shows any kind of icon whatsoever in a corner, it’s fake. This is what I’m seeing over and over again. All of them are fake video aggregators – spam – to waste space, clutter the search results, and prevent you from finding anything real in the search results. They are coming from multiple spam accounts all over the place. There are dozens and dozens of fake spam youtube channels, all with little icons in the corner or next to the names, filling up the search results and making it so you get tired of trying to find what you’re looking for and you just give up. You have to filter the results to only look on one particular day. You still will see a whole bunch of these spam results. There must have actually been a real UFO incident in England on that day which they are trying to cover up by filling up all the search results with this shit. The ‘black bin bag balloon’ UFO is real, and it’s also from that day, but for whatever reason, we’re not allowed to see a balloon made of garbage bags. Why not? Why can’t we make a bin bag balloon? There are others as well. What happened that they don’t want us to see?

It’s taboo to even so much as make a homemade balloon out of black garbage bags

July 23, 2017

I’m still verbose and trying to wake up. I watched some more videos from around that date, July 16 or 17, 2017, England. There are several videos of real objects, which someone said was a homemade balloon from ‘black bin bags.’ I think it’s funny that they call them ‘bin bags’ and I call them garbage bags. Bin bags.

In gifted class, we once made a homemade balloon out of something, I forget what. It’s really fun to make your own balloons. However, all drones and all homemade balloons and all homemade flying objects are taboo. You aren’t supposed to feel empowered to make something that will go up in the air and fly around, even if it’s nothing more than a balloon made of garbage bags.

All flying objects can potentially be used to spy on people or to intrude in areas where you’re not allowed to go, so they are taboo.

Then, there are several other videos of a different style of UFO on that same day or days. There are a bunch of lights hovering over the horizon, in one video, and they blink out and then reappear again, and move slowly.

Then there are a couple videos of faster moving bright lights, which are shaky videos that need to be stabilized. I once saw a stabilized video where the little image in the lower right corner actually served a purpose, which was, to stabilize the image. When they did this, the little icon was moving around all over the place, holding onto the corner of the video, while the UFO stayed still in the center of the screen. It was a sign that the image was being stabilized so you could look at the UFO. The little green alien face icon wasn’t doing that, on the fake videos – nothing was being stabilized.

In one of the real-looking amateur videos of that same day, the lights move very quickly, and it’s only one light, actually. One single fast moving light, which moves fast like the pinpoint from a laser beam. If you move a laser beam over the floor and make the cat chase after it, that’s how this object moved.

In another video of that day, he’s following a fast moving object with night vision, but it doesn’t seem to be making a lot of irregular movements. He’s able to track it. It isn’t jumping around in all directions like the one that looked like a laser pinpoint.

I’m too tired to debunk SecureTeam’s bullshit today! Fake UFO is a murmuration of pixels over England, uploaded by multiple fake UFO aggregator channels

July 23, 2017

10:43 AM 7/23/2017

I’m really tired, even though I’ve had all this caffeine, and I don’t know if I have the energy to debunk SecureTeam today.

However, several people posted a video from SecureTeam on several different facebook forums that I’m on.

Whoever made this hoax made a slightly greater effort than usual to make it seem as though lots of different people were writing in and sending in these videos. And I am disgusted with this. Meanwhile, on youtube, if you search for the UFO on that particular day, there is a totally different video with completely different UFOs that look like just bright lights hovering and disappearing, on the horizon. If anything, the fake UFO videos from SecureTeam served the purpose of drawing attention to the possibly real sighting of a bunch of bright lights.

I’m so tired I don’t feel like looking this up again. It was a couple days ago. There’s a thing which looks like a CGI (what does the ‘I’ stand for? computer graphics what?) weather balloon, which is shifting in color just like a murmuration of starlings, which is what somebody else thought it was. No, it’s not a murmuration of starlings. It’s a murmuration of pixels.

Supposedly, this was over England, and it was seen by lots of people ‘all over England.’ Supposedly, there are ‘comments’ that have been sent in from people saying ‘Have you seen this?’ and stuff.

Then, there is ‘more than one video’ on youtube from different sources. But all of them are professionally designed aggregator type websites, not the sites of individual people. If they show a little icon of an alien down in the lower right corner, then they are a fake UFO aggregator. If they have professionally designed graphics, then they are a fake UFO aggregator. They do not receive ‘sent’ videos given to them, and if they do, they probably aren’t publishing any of the real ones. They just invent them out of whole cloth. Anything professional looking is not to be trusted.

These are not individual people who spontaneously, by surprise, happened to look up and see a UFO while they were carrying their smartphone. Those people would have random names like ‘Joe Smith,’ and they would not have a channel devoted to UFOs, with their own little alien face icon in the lower right corner. I’m interested in UFOs, but I don’t spend all my time obsessing over them, and I haven’t taken the effort to figure out how to put a little green alien face down in the lower right corner of my youtube videos. A random person wouldn’t have those professional looking things.

Somebody debunked SecureTeam, and I can’t unsee the debunking. I knew most of them looked fake already, but I was still able to watch them for entertainment. Now I’m so disgusted with SecureTeam that I can hardly even stand to watch them for mere entertainment value. The guy pointed out that Tyler’s interview with a woman was fake, and that he had merely used his own voice raised up to a higher pitch, and he had his own speaking style which was recognizable. That’s exactly like what the Law of One creator did, what’s-his-name, Don Elkins. You can see Don Elkins’ speaking style in the style of ‘Ra.’ He interrupts his sentences with, shall we say, a ‘comma,’ and then, as you say, continues the sentence afterwards.

We don’t get to listen to the tape recordings of the Law of One. If that lady did actually speak at all while in her trance, she was being forced to do it by electronic weapon attacks giving her scripted things to say, which were written by Don Elkins, who was an engineer who was capable of knowing how the electronic weapons worked and how to build them or where to get them.

My other observation was, if these UFO sightings of the pixellated murmuration balloon all happened on that same day, they were really prompt at ‘sending’ their videos to the UFO video aggregator. Are you yourself always so prompt as to upload a video on the very first day you take it, or do you maybe wait until a more convenient day when you aren’t so busy? They all promptly received these ‘sent’ videos and posted them immediately.

I know people need an outlet for their creativity, but I don’t like people who just lie. I even got some annoyed responses on the forum where I said that ‘covfefe’ just meant ‘coverage’ and it didn’t mean ‘We will win’ in ancient Sumerian or whatever he claimed. People want to have a shared fantasy, and somebody wants to be the creator of that shared fantasy.

That’s not what I want and that’s not what I believe in. I don’t want lies or shared fantasies.

I’m too tired to debunk this as thoroughly as it needs to be debunked. Just look at SecureTeam’s post from a couple days ago, maybe July 21 2017? I forget exactly which day. It says it was seen ‘all over England.’ It looks like a balloon but it’s all shifting and gray. This balloon needs to be shot down. It’s fake. And the fake websites that pretended to independently post it also need to be shot down as fake, with their little green alien face icons in the lower right corner. If you’re a spontaneous random person who randomly sees a UFO by accident, you’re not going to have your little professional green alien icons all set up and ready to go. It’s just going to be on the same channel as the rest of your family videos and kitty cat videos from your daily life. And there will be people in the background saying, ‘Look, ma! A UFO!’

trying to wake up; Matthew on steroids

July 23, 2017

Matthew’s upper arms looked unusually muscular in his latest photo, although that could be because it’s a selfie and he’s holding the camera, so his arms are going towards the camera. A commenter joked that the steroid rumors are about to start. I keep hearing voices telling me that now I have to post something on facebook about how steroids are bad for you, because supposedly Matthew is looking at my facebook page and/or my twitter feed and posted his own picture because either I posted a selfie on twitter, or because I posted the Landon Pigg song that paralleled Matthew visiting me where I work at MM.

Fortunately I’m not on enough drugs to believe any of this – I haven’t taken the eleuthero every day, just very intermittently, and whatever happened the other day, if it was actually either basil oil or lemongrass oil, or something else, I don’t know, it’s not happening that badly now, so I am not having the problem of giving in to random impulses.

I always try to assume that Matthew (or any other guy) is *not*, quote, ‘playing games.’ It is dangerous to assume that someone is merely playing games. That means they don’t mean what they say, so, for instance, no means yes, and don’t means do. That’s a great way to get yourself thrown in jail. No, I didn’t do anything so horrible to Matthew that he fears for his life, and out of all the disasters I’ve been forced to go through all these years, the disaster of Matthew was relatively less severe than some of them were.

I have to work on moving out of the apartment today. I’m trying to use caffeine and wake up. But it doesn’t seem to matter how much caffeine I use – no matter how much, I still always wake up finally around 3:00 in the afternoon. That’s when I finally become physically able to do manual labor. Strangely, when I’ve completely quit caffeine, if I’m not living in a toxic apartment that gives me chronic fatigue (like this one, whether it’s chemicals or wifi or what), I am actually able to get up earlier, and do more work, when I’m completely caffeine free, the opposite of what you would expect.

Now I’m in the verbose-but-exhausted phase. I’ve had a cup of coffee, a spoonful of cacao nibs, and a caffeine pill, but I still can’t stand up and move around and do things. I have to put these boxes on the dolly and take the dolly to the rented pickup truck, and take the truck to the storage unit near Tyrone.

Then, tonight, I have to take only a small number of boxes or bags, since most of them will be in storage, over to the tent. It will be much easier this time. I hate taking dozens of bags down the long path to the woods. There will be very few, and then I have to take the cat. I have to be out of the way because the carpet cleaners are coming tomorrow.

I’m not ready for any of this. I’m just…. I dunno. I still don’t feel any pressure. I don’t feel any panic. Panic is the only thing that can move me. I know I’ll get it done. I won’t be moving boxes out as the carpet cleaners are coming in tomorrow. They’ll already be moved out.

I’m supposed to go to work tomorrow, too, like everything is normal. I’m going back to never taking baths or showers, and having to wash off in a bathroom somewhere before work every day. Laundry won’t be much different – I never did the laundry even though I was living in an apartment building with laundry rooms. I think I did the laundry, like, twice since I was here. Maybe even less than twice.

There is something happening, something changing, which I haven’t accepted yet. I haven’t adjusted to the amount of money that I’m getting from Dad, but it’s going to be enough to allow me to buy something that requires a small down payment, like an RV. The RV will need to be able to drive on the highway without breaking down. I saw some on Craigslist that were extremely cheap, which makes me wonder if they’re on the verge of a breakdown. I have to make long-term changes in my lifestyle to prevent the recurring problems that keep happening over and over.

Anyway, back to Matthew. I still look at his facebook page, more than ever now. He isn’t posting things frequently. I choose to assume that he means what he says. I don’t like something he posted not long ago, but I understand that it was ‘general news’ – there was some guy who killed a bunch of people in Bucks County, and this guy was ‘mentally ill.’ I don’t like portrayals of ‘mentally ill’ (can you define that?) people as violent murderers. That lumps me in with them. I have had physical and mental health problems for decades, and electronic weapon attacks and mind control for decades, and I am not a violent murderer, I’m a peaceful person who is just struggling to live my life, although it affects what I do in my relationships, and it affects what I say in writing. If Matthew and I had not been connected in text messaging or facebook, then I would not have been able to write the things that disturbed him.

I can’t buy an RV this very instant. I have to focus on only one task at a time, and today’s task is just to move out of here, and vacuum, and keep the couple boxes I will need while living in the tent. Right now, the task is simply to write something really long and entertain myself while I’m in caffeinated verbose mode. If enough time passes, then I will become physically able to stand up and move around.

cleaning up and moving out

July 22, 2017

I’m taking a break right now, but I did a little bit of cleaning up and preparing to move out. I cleaned some parts of the bathroom, but not the floor. I vacuumed the rug in my bedroom, and got my bed ready to give back to my roommate. She’s taking it this evening. Sleeping on the floor is no big deal for me, although I don’t like to do it for long. I’m still here tomorrow, but they will come to clean the carpets on Monday. That’s the last day. So I will pretty much have to have all my stuff moved out by tomorrow evening, including Jacob, and be ready to use the tent again.

I rented a pickup truck for the next couple days so I can take my stuff to the storage unit.

I threw my food into the compost pile in the patch of woods. I *hate* having to throw away food over and over again. I wasn’t able to continue cooking. I cooked just a couple of meals but just could not do it, due to chronic fatigue, and the fact that I don’t have control over the kitchen so I cannot make it ergonomic. The kitchen must be a high volume, high speed, high efficiency production area, which is extremely easy to use, where the tables are lower than usual so that my arms are comfortable when I use them – they are always a couple inches too high for me. I must have all my tools in the kitchen area, and that means things like tupperware containers, which I will put a bunch of prepared meal portions into and then freeze them.

I don’t want a normal refrigerator. I want an industrial
refrigerator, like the coolers at McDonald’s. That means it’s just a bare, rectangular box without any ‘features.’ It will just have metal grill shelves (I can’t think of the word, screen, grill, little metal rounded bars with spaces in between them). I also want to have a huge sink big enough to wash *anything* in. I hate washing dishes that barely fit in the sink and spill water all around the edges as you’re trying to wash them. My kitchen is a factory.

There’s only one thing I like about moving back to the tent, which is that Jacob will be happier there. I *hate* keeping him indoors. And I had to keep him locked in my bedroom because my roommate doesn’t like him and is scared of cats. He will have his freedom again, and he’ll be able to watch the birds and catch the mice in the woods, and walk around at 4:00 in the morning. He won’t have to cry and meow over and over again as I whisper, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I can’t let you out,’ because I’m too tired to get up and carry him outside at 4am on a night when I have to go to work the next day.

I don’t have a lot of energy to talk about a lot of stuff.

Lemongrass oil or basil oil – are they super strong? Steve again, and his hair is long now

July 21, 2017

I didn’t even pour out any of the lemongrass oil or basil oil. I bought them either yesterday or the day before, I forget. I just opened them up and took a whiff of them both, just a few inhales. Both of them have medicinal properties, and something affected me strongly today. So I was in an unusual mood with reduced inhibitions.

Well, then, I have kept hearing voices mentioning Steve. I
occasionally run into him wandering around town. Sometimes we get together deliberately for something, like a holiday or some other event, although he isn’t allowed to drive the car for now because he got caught driving drunk. So he can’t pick me up in the car and take me out to eat somewhere like we did for a while there. But if we meet in town we might go somewhere.

That is how it’s been since Jesse. Jesse came along during the time period when I was with Steve. I was also still writing letters to Rick D. during that time period. I briefly had a sexual relationship with Steve for several months, and I don’t regret it at all, except there were extremely severe problems with chemical sensitivity. If I spend too much time around him, I become extremely irritable, not because of psychological reasons, but chemical reasons. I either get secondhand smoke from him, or transdermal drugs, as I know he’s on some kind of psychiatric medication, and if I spend too many hours with him, I start to become extremely angry for no reason, and it’s hard to control that mood.

Well, Steve has been growing his hair a few inches long for several months now, for unknown reasons, and hasn’t cut it. He has thin, straight hair, which is streaked with silver gray and blondish brown. It is absolutely the most beautiful thing that you can imagine. When I’m looking at him I’m looking at his hair. He’s a few years older than me, in his… no, I forget, I asked him. Is he turning 60? There was some milestone he said he was reaching.

Today, with my strange mood and lowered resistance, I had to practically tie my hands together to keep from reaching up and touching his hair. It is this automatic habit that has to be done, something to do without thinking, something that you do just because it is there, like breathing. If it is there, you have to touch it. I guess this is a grooming instinct. It is so powerful and so instinctive that I physically had to fight myself not to do it.

Finally when I was about to get off the bus – we rode the bus together because he lives down a street further down from me – I hugged him goodbye, grabbed the back of his hair and said ‘I love your hair!’ and ran my fingers through it a few times, and then he awkwardly told me to have a good night, and I left.

I haven’t been in a sexual relationship with him for a long time now, partly because Jesse showed up. Jesse is definitely not here now, he’s in Idaho with another girlfriend. Matthew is gone. Matthew wants nothing to do with me and wants to forget that I ever existed and is repulsed and disgusted by me and by the thought of having a sexual relationship with me.

I do have a photo of Steve, but I have to get a picture of him with his hair long. It is *so* beautiful. I want to show the sunlight shining on it, these silver streaks and light blond brown, it’s amazing. I don’t have any cameras. My phone cameras are really annoying me – they keep telling me there’s no space left, on the smartphone, and the other two phones have space but are inconvenient to use for various reasons, and aren’t good enough quality.

I’m terrified that now that I touched his hair and said ‘I love your hair,’ he’s going to cut it. Everyone always ruins everything. If I love someone’s hair, they destroy it. If people knew just how irresistible it is, how uncontrollable, how instinctive and automatic it is, they would never, ever, ever cut their hair. Men don’t get compliments about how attractive they are? That’s because they’re not attractive – all of them. They’re hideous, horribly unbearably hideous, unnatural lifeless robot mannequins. I’m not going to compliment that. His hair is only a few inches long, not long in the big scheme of things, but it is able to completely control me and make me devoted to him.

Steve – for anyone who didn’t already know, he’s my socionic activator, INFJ-EII. Whenever we run out of things to say, it’s a comfortable silence that doesn’t matter. He’s not my dual – I can feel that – I know how it felt with Matthew – with the dual it’s more relaxed, with less pressure to make decisions. Steve urges me to take action, more often than I would naturally do on my own – the normal thing to expect from a socionic activator. So there are some downsides to the relationship. We all need our duals. I can compromise on that for a little while.