The world rewards people like Freddy

September 28, 2016

8:53 AM 9/28/2016

My hormones seem to be doing something, because I am having problems with ever-increasing uncontrollable anger. It just starts up, and builds up and up and up and doesn’t stop. One thought leads to another thought which leads to even more anger.

I am thinking about Freddy from Kaarma. There are all these interconnected thoughts. The world is designed by people like Freddy to benefit people like Freddy, and Freddy’s tactics work perfectly fine in this world, and he will keep getting away with everything he’s doing, no matter what he does.

He refuses to sign a paper so that I can give it to the food stamps people. He doesn’t want to give anybody proof of the fact that he was paying me $400 a week to work 60 hours, which is $6.66 an hour (isn’t THAT appropriate?). I said 72 hours when I mentioned this the other day, because actually the time I spent in there or around there was 72 hours – 6 days a week, 12 hours a day, but with an approximate 2 hour break in the afternoon – however, I often had to keep working into the break. There were variations and I sometimes worked longer, either earlier in the morning, later in the evening, or in the break.

However, Freddy doesn’t understand that a lazy, apathetic, worthless government employee isn’t going to give a fuck about a piece of paper saying he paid me $400 a week, when it doesn’t even have to mention how many hours I worked. That government employee just cares about doing the minimum needed for his job, and he’s always leaving early in the day before they close, because I kept going out there to meet with him and being told that he had left for the day when it was only in the middle of the afternoon, so he must have left at like 1:00 pm or something. He just leaves whenever the fuck he wants to leave. Who cares if somebody can’t get out there at 9am?

So this lazy worthless government employee isn’t going to take it upon himself to arrange for an Action Squad to go out to Kaarma Restaurant and pursue Freddy for the laws that he’s breaking. The only ‘Action Squad’ that will ever exist is ME. But Freddy has to cover his ass and not sign a piece of paper saying he paid me $400 a week even though that paper isn’t required to show how many hours I worked.

The world will reward him for this behavior, because the government will just tell *ME* to take even more trouble and hassle to find some alternative way to prove my previous income. *I* am the one who will have to waste more time and effort finding a way to do this. Meanwhile, nothing will happen to Freddy. I mentioned on the phone to the food stamps guy’s voice mail that Freddy refused to sign any papers because he was breaking a bunch of laws, but I already know it doesn’t even matter that I mentioned that. All that will happen is that this lazy, worthless government employee will feel no personal involvement and no personal responsibility for my situation, and he will say, with his bleary eyes half shut as he’s dreaming of how early he’s going to go home from the office today and what TV show he wants to watch when he gets home, he will tell me something like, ‘Here’s a number that you can call. You have to tell them about Freddy violating the minimum wage laws, the overtime laws, and the income tax laws. That’s YOUR responsibility.’ Meanwhile, I expect this guy will do nothing to help me find an alternative besides getting this signature on this paper from Freddy. He’ll just be like, ‘Oh well, you’re fucked. Goodbye.’

So *I* have to be my own advocate, I have to run around and do everything and all these errands without a car while I’m also working at another job now which only gives me two days off, which is at least better than Freddy, and at least I will get paid overtime.

Meanwhile, my check didn’t go through from Maki Yaki. I was supposed to get a direct deposit and it didn’t happen. I have to ask them about it. I saw him typing it into the computer a couple days ago when I was there. This is yet another hassle I have to deal with.

Maki Yaki isn’t giving me a pay stub, either, and they’re not paying taxes. I do not care that they’re not paying taxes, and I don’t want them to, but if the CAO demands some paperwork from them, they’re not going to want to give it to me either. And I don’t want to get them in trouble, because they are treating me like a decent human being, unlike Freddy. I didn’t want to get Freddy in trouble either, because I love the Guatemalans and I want them to have jobs. I don’t know how much he’s paying Alejandro’s wife – she’s the one who is now the dishwasher. Since she’s married, OH, IT’S PERFECTLY FINE to underpay HER, because she has a husband taking care of her, and Freddy is indirectly paying for her apartment rental – unlike me! He pays for the apartments for the Guatemalans, but not for me. I wouldn’t be surprised if he only paid her $100 a week for 60 hours and expected her to thank him for it.

So when I think about this, the anger just goes up and up and up. Somebody answered my email to a craigslist ad, but their answer made no sense – they told me to send them my email, which would have already been plainly visible at the top of my email. I wouldn’t have been anonymous. I don’t think it sends it through the craigslist relay. So I sent him my email. He said it was ‘so that he could send me a picture and more information.’ That was bullshit. He sent nothing. There was no reply after that.

The anger. It builds up and up and up. I can’t get an apartment. I can’t get food stamps. I can’t get the fuck out of this house. I can’t get three days off at my job. I can’t make changes in my life. I can’t get the fuck out of this shithole town. I can’t save money. I had to pay to buy another sleeping bag when I already have sleeping bags just because I can’t go to the tent – it’s easier to go shopping at Wal Mart and just buy an additional sleeping bag than it is to go to the tent and retrieve the sleeping bag I already have, because it is extremely hard to walk down there and carry things back and forth.

I am stuck in every possible direction unable to do anything. And I didn’t even get my check from Maki Yaki to make me happy and make things easier for me. I could have at least looked in the bank account and seen that I got my direct deposit and felt relief that my Maki Yaki job was paying off. I only got the check that he wrote by hand on paper, which I deposited myself. I didn’t get the electronic one this week. I look in the bank over and over, see that it’s not there, and the anger increases because I have a feeling this is yet another hassle that I am going to have to deal with. Every hassle I have to deal with increases the anger. I will have to write reminders on paper to tell me to ask them about it when I go to work. I lose these little reminders.

I lost Jared Stohlmann’s number from the food stamps office and wasn’t able to call him directly, so I had to call the other number which takes me to an automatic answering machine telling me to press one for this, press two for that.

Everything, everything. I am going to snap, I just don’t know exactly how the snap will manifest. Is it going to be me suddenly quitting my job? That is the typical way that I snap. I could quit the job so that I would have more time to focus on all the things I need to do. ‘Snapping’ in the past always meant quitting a job suddenly without planning to. If I snap in that way, at least I would want to inform them that I am taking three days off instead of two, before getting fired or having whatever sort of conflict with them, and I don’t want to have conflicts with them – they are being nice to me.

So I don’t know if this is the hormones from pregnancy – I must wait, and wait, and wait, still longer, before the tests can be effective. They can’t detect the hormones at this early stage. I am never this angry unless I’m under the influence of drugs or hormones.

All I care about is getting my food stamps. I wasn’t even going to pursue Freddy for breaking all the laws he’s breaking. He still just refuses to sign a paper and I only needed it so I could give it to the food stamps people, who are so lazy, worthless, apathetic,
indifferent, and irresponsible that they aren’t going to take it upon themselves to advocate on my behalf and get this project done and set up an Action Squad to go after him. The MOST that they would EVER do would be to tell me, ‘Here’s a number you can call if you care enough to bother with calling it.’ That is not my goal. I JUST WANT MY GODDAMN FOOD STAMPS.

Argh – no cooperation on paperwork; low blood sugar triggers embroidery purchase at Wal-Mart; I have blankets now; I want to try eating salt, minerals, and clay

September 27, 2016

11:44 PM 9/27/2016

I tried to get Freddy to sign a paper saying how much he paid me, because there are no pay stubs and the food stamps people are demanding proof of how much I was paid. He refused to sign anything of course. I am going to have to go talk to the guy and tell him Freddy refuses to write this note, and his refusal to write the note will draw more attention to him than the note itself would have. They don’t give a fuck about him and how much he paid me, just like they didn’t give a fuck about Mary Jo renting a room to me last time I got food stamps and had to have her signature saying she was charging me for the room. She was afraid that they might come after her and tell her she wasn’t allowed to rent me a room or she wasn’t paying taxes or something, which is the same reason Freddy won’t sign – he doesn’t want anyone to come after him about the hundreds of laws that he’s breaking.

I’m not a law-enforcer, but some of the laws he’s breaking had a harmful personal impact on me. However, my goal is not to get these people to go after him, but to just get the fucking food stamps. So, I’m going to just have to tell them, ‘Hey, people, this guy Freddy who owns the Kaarma restaurant is too ashamed and sneaky to sign a piece of paper saying he paid me $400 a week. It’s up to you guys to decide WHY he refuses to sign this paper. You be the judge.’

I went to Wal-Mart and got myself another sleeping bag, which I am now using as a blanket here in the house. Finally, I won’t freeze while sleeping. I also got a new coat.

I was so angry thinking of everything, while wandering around Wal-Mart, and my blood sugar was dropping. I got angrier and angrier. I felt that the anger was out of control. Finally I snapped and decided I would do something. I was angry because the clothes I wanted to buy weren’t right. I wanted to make my own clothes, and I was angry because the sewing machine is in the tent right now, and my whole life has been one diversion after another from doing the things I really want to do. I just wanted to make my own fucking clothes! After a lifetime of hating all the clothes in the stores!

So I suddenly chose to start an Unsustainable Manic Project, even though I am not on drugs and not manic. I was just angry and had low blood sugar. So I bought a needle and embroidery thread and a couple tools, and some towels. I was originally going to grab a towel to use at work because we have no towels, we only have paper towels, and this is annoying to me, but then I decided the towels were pretty and I wanted to make something out of them. So I bought a whole bunch of them.

I had gone there estimating that I was going to spend $150 or less. I added it up on paper beforehand. It was an *extremely* rough estimate. Without even trying, without even consciously counting anything, the total came to something like $149.91 or some number that was extremely close to $150. It was $149 and some cents, just by accident.

I was so desperate from low blood sugar that I frantically grabbed a Sierra Mist, just to stay alive. I drank that. I was too mentally befuddled and numb to think about what I wanted to buy, and I just happened to be close to a fridge with Sierra Mist in it, so I grabbed it. It’s not what I would have wanted. I was too unconscious by that time to be capable of wandering around the store looking for the perfect juice drink. I felt that I could no longer walk or think. I was dizzy. This is pregnancy. I’m becoming more sure that my strange symptoms really are pregnancy.

At home, I was on the bed reading something random on the internet, and then I felt something which felt like it was actually a mind control suggestion, but I don’t know, it might not have been. I felt as though ‘they’ suggested that I get something salty, so I reached over and ate the corn chips that have been sitting in a bag for a long time – I stopped eating them because I used up all the salsa that I was dipping them in, and didn’t want to eat them plain. I ate them because they were salty, then went to the kitchen looking for plain salt to eat, but Mike was there and I didn’t want him to see me hunting through the cabinets looking for salt and then just scooping it out and eating it. So instead, I opened up the container of soup from Maki Yaki and just drank the salty broth straight from the cup.

Then ‘they’ suggested I research edible clay. I have no objection to eating clay, but I do not want to cause constipation or blockage. I won’t eat the one called ‘bentonite’ clay, but there is another type of bentonite clay called montmorrilonite clay (did I spell that right?), which is calcium clay instead of sodium. Calcium clay is the one you’re supposed to eat. It has minerals and supposedly it also helps you detoxify. I would have experimented with eating clay and dirt along with many other things if only I had been able to continue living outdoors and pursuing my natural primitive lifestyle.

I also looked up salt licks for horses. I used to lick those when I was a kid and we had them in the backyard. They were brown. They have other minerals in them besides salt.

Minerals help you form bones, and they are a key to preventing deformities and optimizing growth. Magnesium supposedly is a key to the deformities – I remember reading somewhere that if you don’t have enough magnesium, then the growing cells in the bones die and stop growing, and you are left with an unfinished bone that didn’t reach full size, which is how the deformities happen. These mineral deficiencies also happen if you are exposed to poisons that alter the nutrient metabolism in your body.

I won’t just go eat a ton of clay and then get a digestive blockage and go to the hospital. If I try any at all, I will lick only a tiny few crumbs of it and then wait to see what happens over the next couple days. I don’t want to get constipated.

I finally have a warm blanket and a slightly warmer coat! I also have an unsustainable manic project bought in anger and frustration and low blood sugar, to rebel against everything, because I am done, I am SO DONE, as they say. I’m done, because I can’t get food stamps, I can’t sew, I can’t learn about the primitive life, I can’t do anything. I can’t protect my baby. I have to protect the baby.

Right now, if the baby hasn’t attached to the uterine wall yet, it’s still being fed by the liquids being excreted from my uterine wall. Those liquids have to contain all the nutrients. If the nutrient content of that liquid goes too low, the baby can’t get enough food. If I go too long not giving it food, it will use up all its food storage and it will die. I think it has an egg yolk attached to it right now, if I understand correctly, which will help to feed it, but I might be wrong. I think it has to separate from the egg yolk in order to attach to the wall. Some people in the forum said that when it implanted, they felt pain and there was blood. It does, actually, have to dig down deep into the wall with its little roots and dig all the way down until it reaches blood. It’s looking for blood. So I should wear pads just in case there is blood, if only for a day, when it implants. I don’t want to be stuck at work without pads and I’m bleeding and thinking it’s my period starting. I’ll have to somehow ignore the pain if it implants, because taking ibuprofen is off limits, especially now when it’s only a few days old and is so vulnerable to everything. How bad will the pain be? I don’t know….

An embroidery project? really? I’m really frustrated with
everything. I am SO DONE with everything. When I’m ‘so done’ with everything, it’s time to just break down and do some fucking embroidery. I haven’t actually started it yet. I’m going to bed.

Hypoglycemia! IGF-2!

September 27, 2016

So I started reading about implantation, and I noticed that the baby is going to be secreting insulin-like growth factor. Insulin causes hypoglycemia! Maybe I really am having hypoglycemia more easily!

I wouldn’t have implanted yet

September 27, 2016

Going to this forum has been immediately informative. I wouldn’t have implanted yet. On that day when I felt a weird sensation, maybe it was conception, not implantation. The implantation will occur several days later and probably hasn’t happened to me yet. It goes down that tube that I’ve forgotten the name of (is the soybean paste messing me up? I think I see correlations between eating that soybean paste and having word retrieval problems) and goes into the uterus, but it moves slowly over a period of many days. They say it bleeds when it attaches to the wall of the uterus. The people in the forum are talking about implantation blood.

It’s very annoying to see all these dozens and dozens of abbreviations such as ‘ib’ (implantation blood), that I always have to look up every time I go to that forum.

Anyway, so I should expect this, if I’m pregnant for real. Sometime soon, I might bleed because of the baby attaching to the uterine wall, and I’ll think it’s my period starting, but it isn’t. Then the period hopefully won’t actually start after that. And then maybe I’ll be able to do a pregnancy test. I’ll just keep reading.

Weird dreams, bizarre fantasies, low blood sugar and panic attacks, obsessing about food and nutrient density, eating random snacks and preparing to go on an errand today. Dreams of aliens, grandpa, and, unfortunately, feces, and ghosts. Something about a ‘bottle.’

September 27, 2016

1:11 PM 9/27/2016

I have a million emergencies, and the garbage is piling up on the floor of my bedroom again. Soon, I will break down and insist that I must work fewer days per week, although I might still want to work long hours each day. On the first day off, I can barely do anything but lie in bed for a very long time, so nothing gets done, and then, the next day, I have to go to work again.

Maybe people don’t want to work at Maki Yaki because they think they will have to speak a foreign language. So a craigslist ad could tell them ‘you don’t have to speak Korean or Japanese.’

I keep thinking about how a restaurant business can afford to exist without making the food prices very, very, very high. And what would life be like if all the restaurants had extremely high food prices? And the college students in this town are not working at high paying jobs, so where does the money come from for their living expenses – rent, food, miscellaneous purchases?

Like, from what I see at Maki Yaki, it seems like the food should have to cost, like, $100 a plate, or something. I haven’t seen the bookkeeping so I don’t know what it really costs for them to exist. I’m fantasizing about what it would be like to run my own restaurant business. I only know that the costs of doing business are
ridiculously high – the rent, the electricity, the water bill, the employee paychecks, everything, and also the debts for going into business in the first place, the debts for everything.

Pregnancy update: I still don’t feel pregnant, and I only had nausea that one night, but not last night. Right now, I feel nothing unusual at all. I forgot to look at my calendar where I wrote down my period days. I wrote it in a notepad.

Okay, I looked at it. My period will be due on either October 4th or 6th. I had that ‘false start’ day where there was a small drop of blood but then it stopped again, and then started for real two days later. So I’m not sure exactly which day counts as the first day. ‘The voices’ said the false start day should be viewed as a real beginning of the period, and the timing of my sex and ovulation fits pretty well with either day. It fits better with the false start day.

I haven’t been tracking my periods for years, so I don’t know how long my cycle is nowadays, if it’s really the average 28 day cycle, or something longer or shorter. Supposedly it’s a bad sign, of menopause, if the cycle becomes extremely short.

I have noticed a couple strange symptoms. I worked all day yesterday at the sushi station, which means I didn’t have any time to sit down and eat a meal in the afternoon. I just ate bits and pieces of sushi mistakes or the cut off end pieces – you trim the edges off to make it look nice. I am not really great at sushi yet, but it’s passable. I’ve only been doing it for a couple days so far.

So I wasn’t able to eat much at all, and the nutritional quality of the sushi is low, although I suppose it’s better than some foods. There’s a lot of rice, which is low nutritional quality – all calories, no nutrients. I’m not someone who believes in eating a 100% carbohydrate-free diet, so I don’t mind eating a little bit of rice, and a little bit of sugar, and plain carbs here and there, and fruit especially – I have no objection whatsoever to eating sugar and carbs in the form of fruit.

I would still need to experiment with finding edible and safe sources of starch from grains and root vegetables, and I wasn’t finished with those experiments, not even close. They have to not have any strange side effects. Turnips and some other root vegetables seem to attack the thyroid, for instance. Hopniss – a challenge – I have it growing in the pot but won’t eat it yet – I want to plant it in the woods near a stream and let it grow wild and spread everywhere. It’s a native plant which I am bringing back to its native habitat.

Anyway though, most of what I ate was rice, from the sushi ends, with tiny bits of meat, fake crab, farmed salmon, and tuna from an unknown source. Tuna – do they farm it? Where does the tuna come from? I didn’t think tuna was farmed. Tuna is a huge, gigantic fish. Isn’t it? I need to research it.

And cucumbers are a nutrient-devoid vegetable. Organic cucumbers might be okay; cucumbers of some particular variety might be okay; cucumbers from the original wild growing plant that they originally were before they got domesticated might be okay; but the cucumbers we have are, I assume, ordinary factory farm cucumbers.

I’m not criticizing the business owners for not getting all organic everything, by the way. Like I was saying above, I have absolutely no idea how it would be possible to run a business without charging $100 a plate for the food, especially since I’m fantasizing about all-organic restaurants.

Myra already has organic milk in the fridge. She understands about organic milk. I sometimes get a little bottle of non-organic milk because that’s the only thing they have in a single serving size from the particular store where I have to shop. I would rather not have bovine growth hormone or chemical residues from all the stuff they give the cows, but I don’t drink it very often. Ideally I would want to just never drink that stuff. I get organic milk for the fridge at home.

So anyway, cucumbers are the equivalent of iceberg lettuce – no nutrients at all, but they serve the purpose of providing a watery, crispy, crunchy texture, and a pale green color, and that is the only purpose they serve – texture, not nutrition.

Nutrient dense foods, and wild growing native varieties of
pre-domesticated plants – that’s what I’m interested in. And as a compromise, organic versions of domesticated plants. I’ve been picking and eating the kousa dogwood berries whenever I see them. I want to harvest all the walnuts and apples too but I can’t. I just can’t. Every year. Every year, I go crazy during the harvest, wanting to pick up all the fallen fruits and nuts, but I don’t have a car and I don’t have a storage house to put them in and I don’t have drying racks to dry them on, or processing methods to remove the skin off walnuts, and all that – it needs a lot of infrastructure.

I go crazy and frantic because I’m always too busy working at a job to earn paper dollars instead of just walking out into the woods and fields harvesting the food that is right there in front of me. It is so, so, so, so frustrating, and it happens every single year. Always working, no car, no way to transport it, no way to process it, no place to keep it, no time to do any of this harvest. Harvest is the most important time of year. Even the acorns falling on my house right now need to be harvested and salvaged. There is some way to process acorns to make them edible – it can be done, it just takes work. So every year, I waste this moment, I miss this opportunity, and there is no harvest for me – every year. Endless frustration.

I should research Korean and Japanese offal and organ meat dishes, because offal and organ meats are nutrient dense. Also, seafood – seafood offal, fish heads, fish organs, I love that stuff and want to keep learning about it. I haven’t been able to continue any of my testing and research but I will never stop researching it. It is extremely important to me.

I still love Guatemala. Guatemala, I haven’t forgotten you.

Offal: sometimes, people do this thing where they have a waste product and they decide to try to make it into an edible dish. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. We have this thing where they told me it came from a particular part of the leg muscle of the chicken, and they used to throw it away, but then started breading and frying it and it became a very popular dish. That’s an example of a time when it worked out okay.

However, at other times, people try to make a waste product into an edible food, and it fails miserably, and an example of this is the Chinese (maybe it was Korean too?) foods that use tendons, like tendon soup. I tried eating tendon, and it almost made me throw up immediately. It is inedible.

I am in favor of not wasting any part of the animal, and tendons do indeed have a use – they are to be used in making ropes and strings, musical instrument strings, bowstrings, laces, threads. They are not to be eaten. Something in them is too allergenic and irritating – I cannot even swallow it without feeling like I am going to throw up. There was this one soup (not at our Maki Yaki restaurant, but some other place, Pho 11, I think) where it was just all tendons in the soup. I took just a few tiny bites and didn’t even try to eat any more. Am I remembering this right? I don’t know what I did with the leftovers.

So yes, I believe in eating offal and using every part of the animal and what they call ‘nose to tail’ eating. But there are some limits, and if something makes you throw up, then you have to discard it or find some other use for it. It’s just that much, much more is edible than we usually think of. Heads, noses, that kind of stuff. Brains. Many organs, but not all of them. You shouldn’t eat the hormone glands like adrenal glands and thyroids, because the hormones are so strong, you’re overdosing and poisoning yourself with hormones. I would not be surprised if someone had a heart attack and dropped dead from eating an adrenal gland.

I have wanted to do all the experiments and document my symptoms, sensations, and strange reactions, but I can’t do that because 1. no money, 2. no house, 3. no free time. Food research and testing of strange and unusual foods is my specialty.

I got off track from my storytelling because I started ranting about foods of low nutrient density.

I ate bits of sushi all day yesterday, and that was all I ate. I did drink some juice and some Sprite. I allow myself to have Sprite even though it isn’t ideal, because that’s what’s available there and I’m allowed to have it for free. It doesn’t have any caffeine.

By the end of the day, I was so hungry that I felt like I was going to pass out. That wouldn’t normally happen to me. That’s the whole point of the story. I have noticed now that if my blood sugar gets low, I start to have major problems that are worse than what they were in the past, and it might be because of this possible pregnancy, the unverified pregnancy that I have to wait a few more weeks to test for.

So I was almost passing out. I was dizzy, I felt like my blood sugar was low, and I was so hungry I actually almost threw up. I went into the bathroom and started to sort of cry and rub my eyes while feeling like I had to vomit, but I stopped myself from vomiting, and then I went out and immediately grabbed a bottle of apple juice (also available to me for free, thank you Maki Yaki) and wolfed it down. I wouldn’t normally get that bad. Apparently my blood sugar is more sensitive now.

So I ordered some food when I left, but couldn’t eat it all when I got home, so I put the rest in the fridge and ate some more of it this morning.

I also nibbled on raw sunflower seeds, dried craisins, a dried date, canned oysters in cottonseed oil (giving me my daily serving of pesticides and herbicides from the GMO cotton), a fresh prune plum and a kiwi (I didn’t even try to eat another mandarin orange yet), some whole organic milk, some organic apple juice – I nibbled a few bites of almost every snack that I have. I also have some organic dried fruits.

The meal I ordered was pork belly, with green leafy lettuce of some sort – not iceberg but special lettuce with lacy edges – rice (I don’t eat tons of rice, but I ate some of it), soybean paste, kimchi (not enough kimchi – I would like to eat a whole lot more of that), and a soup that I’ve forgotten the name of which was different this time than it was the first time. This time it had beef muscle meat in it, and I don’t like beef muscle meat. It has an unpleasant texture. I like beef organ meat though. It has other ingredients, including bracken, a wild fern. I think they started eating bracken in Korea because of the forced starvation, so people learned to forage, and bracken got incorporated into the mainstream foods. Maybe they even domesticate it, I don’t know. I know there is some disagreement over bracken because some people think it causes cancer. I don’t know. I am taking it seriously though. I don’t eat the bracken every single day. Sometimes you can eat small amounts of something once in a while.

Oh my gosh, time is passing. I have to take a shower and get ready to go on an errand. I am so tired. I slept late and had a fake dream. I still don’t want to get up.

So this morning when I woke up, I felt a panicky sensation of my low blood sugar again, which is when I started eating a bunch of raw sunflower seeds right away. These snacks are just things I happen to have right now. I try to choose well from the foods available at only one or two small convenience stores in town, because I usually can’t take a trip to go someplace else to get lots of good food. I have extremely limited choices. Fortunately, organic food is becoming much more popular, thank goodness, so they sell it everywhere. I can even buy organic dried fruits at Sheetz. And I love the Epic grassfed meat bars, although I don’t get the chicken or turkey ones – I don’t like the texture.

Maybe I would eat the Mongolian meat that they dry up and then grind into the smallest possible powder and then put it into soup. It is the muscle meat of a whole cow, or something, ground up into a very small volume, just powderized. I know the name of it, I just can’t remember. It’s a four letter word, I think. Mongolians are very sexy. I just wanted to say that. Mongolians eat a lot of offal and organ meats and animal heads, and they have them openly on sale in the markets, just some disgusting cow head sitting right there in the open. They are shameless about such things. Americans would be utterly horrified. I shouldn’t just say Mongolians are sexy without saying Koreans are sexy, because I think they are too. I am a xenophile. I love foreign people and I see the beauty in different races. I tend to talk about these subjects at the same time that I’m obsessing about food. I haven’t eaten enough and I still want to obtain grassfed lard somehow.

Yeah, I’m definitely obsessing about food.

I had a fake dream… but what else was I going – oh, I remember.

Yesterday, during the time when my blood sugar was low at work, I heard them playing a Billy Joel song, ‘We didn’t start the fire.’ They mentioned ‘terror on the airlines.’ I was in a strange state of mind, and this triggered a fantasy that I was on an airplane where a terrorist was taking hostages and making bomb threats. In the fantasy, as soon as I saw the person getting up and threatening us, I took off all my clothes and slowly walked towards him, because in a life or death situation, this is the appropriate thing to do, when it is never appropriate at any other time. Then I touched him to calm him down. In the fantasy, this tactic would succeed, but in real life, he would probably just blow my head off, because they are expecting to kill women as well as men without regret, and there is no taboo on killing all the women. The only people who can be calmed down by a woman are people who still value women. Someone who disvalues all life and is fully committed to killing all of them will probably not respond to this tactic. In the fantasy, it would work – somehow I would calm him down and stop him from killing us. I don’t know how he would get away afterwards. If I can calm him down successfully, then there is no need for him to go to jail. This is my way of judging the world.

So during this bizarre fantasy, triggered only by the words ‘terror on the airlines’ in that song, my adrenaline rushed as though I was actually there taking off my clothes and walking down the aisle of the airplane, saying goodbye to everyone and saying strange things, like ‘thank you for your friendship.’ My adrenaline rushed in a painful panic attack, which was exacerbated by my low blood sugar.

Is this a normal event for me? No, this is not at all normal. It was extremely strange, and I am wondering if it’s because of the pregnancy, if the pregnancy is real.

The fake dream this morning:

Normally, ‘they’ don’t allow me to dream about shit. They haven’t been making me dream about shit for many years now. But when the mind control attacks first began (badly and overtly) in 2003, I did dream about shit.

In this dream, I was in a strange place… almost like a camp. Except it was a group camp, like a military thing. I wasn’t camping alone. It was a more permanent infrastructure. There was one shared room with beds and furniture in it, and I think several beds in an open space without walls, so it had a group feeling. It was somewhat dark or dim in there, and nobody else was there at the moment. I think one or two other people were nearby somewhere. The room had a warm, pleasant, cozy feeling, and I think there might have been a fireplace.

I don’t recall exactly what happened, but I went to the toilet. Again, they haven’t given me this type of disgusting fake dream in a long time. In the toilet, I saw that there was so much shit that it covered the entire top of the water. You couldn’t even see the bottom of the toilet. There was no toilet paper floating in it – it was all shit. I could see dozens of individual stools. They were lumpy. For some reason, I was touching it with my hand. (this again is the typical mind control dream that I had way back in 2003 and haven’t had for years, or if I’m having them, I don’t remember them when I wake up.)

Then I decided I had to try to flush this toilet. I was about to flush it when something strange happened. A bottle appeared next to me, floating in the air. We had joked about a ghost yesterday at Maki Yaki (for real), because the automatic soap dispensers sometimes shoot out soap for no reason when nobody is there, and the toilet flushes by itself when you walk into the bathroom when it shouldn’t.

I don’t remember what the ‘bottle’ means. I had been seeing something or thinking something about a bottle, or I saw the word bottle in some context, but I can’t recall the context. I just saw the word ‘bottle’ yesterday somewhere and it meant something. This was a large jug of something, a plastic jug.

So this plastic jug thing (which I thought of as a ‘bottle’) appeared floating in the air beside me right when I was about to flush the toilet full of shit. Just as I pressed the flush, the bottle dived down into the toilet, straight into the hole of the toilet, clogging it. I flushed it at that moment. The toilet exploded shit everywhere all over the ceiling.

I ran away and tried to tell someone that there was a problem. I was trying to tell someone that this floating bottle clogged the toilet, and I was looking into someone’s eyes very deeply to bond with them, to say, ‘please believe what I am saying even though I know it is very strange.’ She believed me because she had seen the ghost herself.

The toilet is probably an asshole, I’m guessing, and I’m guessing that this symbol represents anal sex. ‘Exploding’ usually means orgasm.

However, there was an incident yesterday where I was constipated for several hours, which is also unusual for me – ‘several hours’ is nothing compared to the length of time other people are constipated, I know. I felt like I had to go to the bathroom, and finally hours later I was able to, but I couldn’t at first, and it was inconvenient because I knew I would be stuck working at the sushi station for hours unable to leave.

Finally I had pains in my abdomen and felt like I would be able to go, so I did, and I had to pull up my legs to my chest because the toilet is really, really tall, and we should be using squatting toilets instead. I don’t get constipated if I can squat, and I also don’t get constipated if I can control my diet – I don’t eat rice. Rice I think makes me constipated – it has happened before. I wouldn’t normally eat just rice by itself, ever. I would eat small amounts of it mixed with many sauces and other foods. So I ‘exploded,’ and the mind controllers watch everything we do, all the time, so they see us going to the bathroom. They were so fascinated with this event that they had to incorporate it into a dream, apparently. I still can’t recall what the bottle was referring to. I know I saw it somewhere.

So then there was another dream. I was in a totally different location, outdoors, walking down a road, on a nice day, in a large open area, a flat plain. I could see around me for a long distance. There were many other people around doing some big group outdoor activity. I was walking down a road but there weren’t any cars. It wasn’t a highway, it was just a small road, possibly even a gravel road or path. Other people were walking. I was kind of interested in the event but I was mostly just going there for the cheerful atmosphere of the people.

Then I saw a bunch of Guatemalans coming down the road, but they were all very tall, taller than me. Then I saw Arturo among them, still as short as he usually is, wearing something strange, like a hooded jacket. He looked like he was hiding or being secretive. I said, ‘Hello,’ and he said, ‘Hola.’ I wondered where these people were going and I was going to follow them, I think, but then I saw a flying saucer. The flying saucer had been in the background a few minutes before this, too, far away, and I wondered if it was going to hit the power lines.

‘Power lines’ have been in the dreams from the beginning. I would try to flap my arms and fly into the air, but my back would get burned and zapped because I would fly up underneath the power lines, which seemed to be everywhere, all over the place.

I have wondered recently if those power lines are actually chemtrails. The chemtrails would be made of an electrical conductor, so that they conduct electricity long distances through the atmosphere. Those chemtrails are lines that I fly up underneath and I hit them and can’t go any higher. I can’t fly because of the chemtrails. That is my latest interpretation of all the ‘power lines’ in the flying dreams.

So anyway, this flying saucer was very close to the ground, faraway, in the background, almost hitting some power lines. Then it suddenly moved up and flew around, back and forth, all over the place, demonstrating its ability to maneuver and to move very fast. I said, ‘That looks kind of cartoony-looking.’ It looked fake. The edges of it were outlined in such a way that they didn’t fit with the background. It flew all over and then landed next to me, on a small hill.

It was sunny and pretty outside. It was a cheerful, happy day. And this saucer landed on the hill, and turned into something like a Jeep, with a rollover bar or something on it. Some kind of bars protecting the top or the back of it. Maybe that’s because, in real life, a coworker had a car accident – it was the lady who I believed was an LSI-ISTj (although I’m not 100% certain of that yet – I only know for certain she is a judger/rational) and I said she was like Korean Hillary Clinton. She said her car almost rolled over in the accident. And she is an ‘alien.’ ‘Aliens’ often refers to alien humans on earth, rather than extraterrestrial non-human aliens (when I hear voices or have dreams mentioning aliens).

So these two people got out of the car. They were both very old and had white hair. They were Caucasian. The old man had sort of a mullet. I know what that’s referring to. That was referring to Rich, the coworker who I typed as ESE-ESFj. Myra jokingly nicknamed him ‘Grumpy Gramps’ yesterday or the day before (I am confused about time), which seems like an amusing and affectionate nickname to me. I didn’t want to get involved in this conversation because I was afraid I would offend or hurt Rich’s feelings, when to me, the nickname seemed to be loving, not insulting. He seems like he would be a wonderful grandpa. She also teased him about having a mullet – he doesn’t have a mullet, he just has hair that is a couple inches long in the back, underneath his hat. It’s not really that long.

So the Caucasian grandpa in this dream (he was indeed called ‘Grandpa’) had a mullet as well, and he looked very old. And the grandma was there too but I couldn’t see her clearly and she was off to the left side, sitting on this hill. I went up to grandpa and was going to give him a hug, and I also held his hand, while also holding grandma’s hand with just a couple of my fingers. It was because they only had two fingers. I forgot. These were aliens and they only had two fingers on their hands. Maybe that is because Asians use chopsticks. I’ve been using chopsticks too. The chopsticks are the two fingers. These fingers were wrinkly looking and had claws on the ends of them. So I was holding her two-fingered hand with my two fingers and holding grandpa’s hand while I did something, I think I laid my head down on his chest. And I said, ‘grandma, come to me!’ I felt like I said it out loud in my sleep. Then I woke up.

I can’t remember if they had a thumb on their two-fingered hands. I didn’t see it very well.

So shortly after I woke up, I felt like I was having a panic attack from low blood sugar, even though I had eaten just before going to bed last night. I didn’t eat tons and tons of food, but just enough to be relieved of hunger. So I started eating again immediately. It feels like the baby is hungry, not me, the baby is panicking, not me. I don’t know. I don’t know if there is a baby or not.

The two week wait is torture. I think I’m gonna go to the forum and read other people who are in the two week wait section, to see if they feel any sensations or not. They have all these different sections in the forum. I haven’t been there in a long time because it’s a bloated badly functioning web page with too many ads that lock it up and cause it to go slowly. But I’ll go there again. I do recall several people saying ‘I feel nothing, I don’t know if there is a baby or not’ in the two-week-wait section of the forum. I don’t recall the forum name. trying to conceive… I have to google it again. Okay, the particular one that I joined a couple years ago (and have almost never posted in, except to introduce myself) is . It’s a gigantic forum with thousands of posts.

several emergencies that must be done on my days off

September 26, 2016

I absolutely must get coats and blankets, if I am going to endure another freezing night in this house without the heat turned on, using only this extremely thin borrowed blanket. I have no warm clothes, no long sleeves – all is in the tent. I have no coat – in the tent.

I must go to Freddy and get some information from him so as to be able to fill out the forms for food stamps.

I must get an apartment. One person answered my email – FINALLY.

I need to bring my avocado plants into the house so they don’t die in the frost.

I forget, there were one or two other things.

Argh! I have to run out the door to catch the bus.

voracious hunger, salt craving, and waking up nauseated… I dunno….. seems suspicious….

September 26, 2016

I did actually wake up nauseated, right now, around 5:00. I’m not horribly nauseated, but it was enough to notice it. It began upon waking up and moving my body around, shifting position, just like the apparent ‘hormone floods’ seem to do, as though my blood or lymph is pooling in one position because I stayed still for too long while sleeping, and as if suddenly this pool of blood / lymph suddenly moves to the liver to get metabolized. I’m just theorizing.

Yesterday at work I was having a LOT of trouble resisting the constant hunger, even though I made a deliberate effort to eat before work, and eat heavy foods including whole milk to make sure I got saturated fats. I would NEVER resist hunger, never, except the problem is, I’m at work, and we were extremely busy. It was not possible for anyone to take a break even for a couple minutes to eat something. I am not somebody who makes a habit of refusing to feed myself when I feel hungry. I always, always eat when I feel hungry.

I ate a piece of sushi which was leftover because we made it by accident, and while I was eating this piece of sushi, plain, which was rather bland, I suddenly was aware that I desired salt on the sushi. Salt? I never add salt to anything, although I do not avoid salt either, so I get a moderate amount of salt if the manufacturers have added it. I do sometimes add salt if I cook at home, but it depends – if I add some kind of premade sauce, there’s usually no need to add salt.

There’s a good reason why I go camping whenever I need to move out of an apartment. I haven’t gotten a single fucking reply to the emails that I have sent asking people about the apartments they have advertised. I need to have a day off so that I can try calling them on the phone instead of emailing.

I know that sometimes nausea happens if I don’t eat enough. I have had this happen before. I usually would prevent the nausea by making sure I ate enough earlier, and just make sure something was always in my stomach. I forget the circumstances under which I noticed this – it usually isn’t a problem. I had a couple incidents where (in the past, sometime, for some reason, maybe from herbal drugs? I forget) it seemed like I had low blood sugar, which caused me to feel nauseated a few times. During those times I only had to eat something and the nausea would stop. So I learned that blood sugar being too low can make me nauseated – it used to happen to my friend / boyfriend Peter who was diabetic, too, if his blood sugar went low.

I bought these tiny mandarin oranges at the convenience / grocery store in town, thinking they would be nice and sweet like Clementines. Nope! They are the foulest, sourest things I have ever eaten in my life. What the fuck! No wonder they marinate mandarin oranges in tons and tons of syrup and then put them into a can! They are simply fucking unfit for human consumption otherwise. I might as well go out and try to eat those even tinier little oranges, como se llama, how do you call it, doesn’t it begin with a K? It’s a bizarre weird fruit that nobody knows exists because they are so inedible nobody wants them. I might have to google it. Kumquats. You actually can eat the skin, supposedly, but you would cook them and put tons and tons of sugar into them. For all the sourness of these mandarin oranges it might as well be that.

So, I’m going to try to eat or drink something, maybe a little juice.

I’m not getting any fucking replies. And I am feeling an urgent need to leave this house. Mike has started doing this thing of not saying hello to me when I walk in the door late at night after work. I’m not sure what his problem is, but, I’m not paying rent, because a few months ago I offered to pay it and he said no, I should save my money for an apartment. I’m trying to look for a goddamn apartment and nobody will reply to my fucking letters. I HATE CRAIGSLIST. They might reply if I call but I can only do that on my day off.

The voracious hunger, being a problem at work: Yesterday, I was so hungry I was wishing and wishing that I could just get a positive pregnancy test result so that I could inform them that I had an actual reason why I needed to stop and eat no matter what. If I had a real excuse, then it would not merely be ‘I just need to eat because I’m just really, really hungry for some reason,’ which doesn’t get much sympathy, although there is a very kind, sweet, loving ESE-ESFj cook who seems to enjoy giving me food. He doesn’t mind doing it if we’re slow, but it was super, super busy yesterday.

I have to wait a while longer before I can get a positive test result. The tests don’t detect extremely low levels of the hormones. The instructions say to wait until a certain number of days have passed, maybe twenty days since you had sex. I had sex on the 19th. I forget where I read it, but something said it would be a week before you start to get nauseated, and it’s one week to the day, right now, the 26th.

Salt craving: No problem. I’ve read about the Brewer Diet, yet another one of the many alternative diets that are safe and effective for preventing some horrible symptom that mainstream medicine tells us is hopelessly incurable without their help. You can prevent preeclampsia, and I don’t know exactly what that is, but it’s something horrible that happens during pregnancy as a result of a couple of nutritional problems.

The Brewer diet recommends getting plenty of salt, because your salt needs increase, as you have to increase your blood volume, and it recommends eating fat, and eating eggs, including the yolks. I’m not planning on following the Brewer diet to the letter, but I will at least look at it for inspiration. The concept is similar enough to the Weston Price diet that they are compatible with each other and I can get the general idea.

I cannot follow either one or any special diet at the moment because I am still not cooking at home. My pots and pans are in the tent. And I am trying to leave this house. It would be hard to follow a good diet in the tent when I had no place to store food. I need to build a storehouse and workshop and set things up to dry my food so it’s safe at room temperature.

Oh, I’m eating sushi while pregnant. End Of World!!! You could kill the baby!!!! I don’t believe this. Supposedly, raw meat or raw fish while pregnant is the end of the world. You could get bacteria from that and the world would end. I don’t get bacteria from raw foods, but what I do get are parasites. However, these fish are totally farmed, probably – they’re not real fish. Real fish have parasites. These fish do not. They’ve been raised locked inside a box and fed soy and artificial color to make the flesh artificially look pink, or something. I don’t know what a fish farm looks like and it’s probably not outright ‘locked in a box,’ but it’s horrible from the photos I’ve seen. They keep them crowded. It may vary depending on the farm. I have indeed wondered though what a parasitic infection would do.

Anyway I wasn’t following any special diet because, as I had said, I cannot fight this war anymore. I cannot fight the war to get the kind of living conditions that I need anymore, to get myself settled enough, to get enough income, to get the kind of life I want without having some kind of disaster. I decided there was no future for me, and therefore, I might as well get an unplanned pregnancy with no control over the health of the baby and no control over my diet.

I can’t make the baby as healthy as I would have wanted to. I only did a couple things – I stopped all herbal drugs and stopped caffeine. I’m eating slightly better at this Korean / Japanese restaurant; however, they use vegetable oil, including in the soup. I would have wanted lard, and other animal fats, which I have never had the chance to experiment with and test – that was one of the thousands of things I cannot do in an unstable life with no place to put large amounts of food.

Ordering grassfed lard online means that I have to order a large quantity, to make the order higher than $100, if I recall. Or some number. It was enough that I might need a freezer for something. I had wanted to get the grassfed pemmican, for instance. It’s some big website which is one of the first google results for grassfed beef or grassfed meats.

Ohhhh… my parents are going to flip… out… if I am pregnant for real. But I want to tell them. That was one thing I wanted. I wanted to inform my mother that I was having a baby, before she dies. That was important – before her death, I wanted to tell her I was having a baby. She’s getting old and she’s unhealthy. She could have an accident. She could get sick. I haven’t visited them yet this year and I really need to. They’ll flip out because I’m unmarried and have no means of support. Except food stamps, which I need to finish doing… on my days off… just like I need to hunt for an apartment on my days off. …. But, well, they’re just going to have to flip out and I’m going to have to face them, because I want them to know. It was important, very important. I did not want Mom to die without knowing that I was having a baby. I still don’t want her to die after that, but that one thing was important.

Doggone the two-week wait. That’s what they talk about in the trying-to-conceive forums. Two weeks before you can do a pregnancy test, two weeks before you can notice that your period did not start.

Pre-eclampsia – some kind of blood pressure problem. People always assume (including doctors) that if it’s blood pressure, then you have to fix it by avoiding salt. Wrong! The opposite of the truth. You need more salt, during pregnancy, to increase blood volume. That was the primary insight of Dr. Brewer. More salt, not less salt. Obey the salt cravings! They say, ‘Ohhh, you have high blood pressure, you have to stop all salt!’ But the high blood pressure is caused by malnutrition, and you need fat soluble vitamins, and more electrolytes including salt, potassium, and whatever other minerals and
electrolytes. It’s primarily a malnutrition problem. Drink plenty of water, too. That won’t be a problem – I’ve quit caffeine, so I am no longer dehydrated and losing electrolytes all the time.

I’ve been peeing a lot. The peeing is different – it’s a lot of pee and it takes a long time to finish. I get up in the middle of the night and pee A LOT. This has only been happening this week.

Am I really pregnant? I can’t know! I can’t be sure! I’m so eagerly waiting to take the test and see that it’s positive. I also want to tell Agustin if I get a positive result.

But then, we can’t count our chickens until they’re hatched. I have no idea if the baby will survive. It could die at any time, for any reason. I know not to take antibiotics while pregnant, though. A coworker from McDonald’s lost her baby because she took antibiotics for a bad cough that wouldn’t go away. The doctors were all like, ‘Woo, woo, no, it’s perfectly fine to use antiobiotics while pregnant… heh heh heh hehhhh,’ evil laugh. No warning whatsoever from the doctors. She lost her baby immediately after she started taking them.

I won’t even use any over-the-counter drugs, especially not
painkillers like Tylenol, which I never ever ever use anyway, but it causes … something, I forget what. It either causes autism, or it causes some specific symptom in the baby that I can’t remember. So does aspirin. I won’t use ibuprofen either. And not antacids – I never use any over the counter drugs anyhow. The only one I ever use is ibuprofen, and I only use it for one thing – menstrual cramps. Guess what doesn’t exist anymore when you’re pregnant! Menstrual cramps.

Just no drugs at all is the best rule to follow, and ZERO CUPS A DAY of coffee. I’m not even eating chocolate. It will make me crave caffeine more, because it contains theobromine and small amounts of caffeine. Theobromine metabolizes into caffeine at some point, inside your body. So does theophylline. It transforms into caffeine. I don’t recall where I read this.

Okay, I will post this. I can only wait another week or two, taking tests to prove it for sure, and observing symptoms.

I did have anger, and a little crying yesterday. It seemed like PMS. I didn’t snap at anybody, but I cried a little bit while walking home from the bus. I could still be premenstrual. I can only wait to see…..

trying to wash the sheets, look for an apartment

September 25, 2016

Chemtrails might exist for the purpose of preventing us from seeing the light reflecting off of unwanted satellites stationed overhead during the daytime. These might be mind control satellites. Just a theory.

1:41 PM 9/25/2016

I am struggling to do the laundry, the bedsheets and blankets, the backpack, to get rid of this poison from the hotel room.

The ‘dull ache’ that I felt earlier might possibly have been because I had diarrhea – it seems to have gone.

I don’t think the washer is working properly. It isn’t filling up very well. Our water pressure is no good. The water needs to be fixed, but that would require something expensive.

I’m trying to find an apartment, and I’m unfortunately giving up on looking for a single room right now – I’m looking for ones with roommates, because singles just aren’t available at all in this town, not at all. The only singles are starting at $900, minimum.

I just need to get out of this house, and I’m being prevented from going into the tent, even though I want to.

No progress is being made. You have no idea how frustrated I am. I cannot even save up enough money to move to Altoona, much less to move to a foreign country where I can have a decent life. I am looking for countries that don’t have chemtrails. The only countries that don’t have them are dictatorships like Saudi Arabia. From what I read, it’s actually something being mixed in with normal jet fuel, so that normal jet planes are spraying something without intending to, but then, there are stories of other planes who sole purpose is to spray something specific, and a photo of the inside of a plane where big giant drums were attached to pipes going out the windows of the plane – things like that. The information contradicts itself, or suggests there are several different methods being used, and I don’t trust anyone, and I don’t trust Edward Snowden – somebody said that Snowden said that this was only for reducing global warming, but I don’t believe that.

I’d like to take a shower but the laundry is still going. I tried… I tried to at least wash the sheets and blankets…. I am so tired that I haven’t been able to get out of bed, and it’s because of this poison. The sheets didn’t get washed properly because the washer didn’t fill all the way to the top. I tried to reset it to the large load but it still didn’t seem to fill up. I just need to move out and go someplace with a new washer.

I have to go to work today and tomorrow. I’m not getting enough days off, but, there are two days off, not just one, and I will be getting paid overtime, so the money I make is more worthwhile even though I don’t have enough free time. This is a compromise – it is not what I want, but I am tolerating it for now.

dull ache resembling premenstrual cramps

September 25, 2016

I woke up in the middle of the night tonight with a mild, dull ache that feels exactly like the premenstrual cramps that I start having in the week before my period. THIS IS VERY DISAPPOINTING. I still can’t know for sure, until the period starts. I was assuming I wouldn’t have to worry about starting my period, but now, since I feel this very mild ache, I’m going to have to start carrying around pads and ibuprofen with me as though it will start, so that I don’t
accidentally have a problem while I’m at work and I’m not expecting it.

If I am vaccinated against pregnancy, I am going to be very angry. And I wasted money on condoms all those years, too, when I lived with my ex-boyfriend.

I had a moment yesterday evening when I was suddenly able to smell every little thing, when I was walking down the street after work. I could not explain why everything smelled so strongly, out of nowhere, when usually I smell absolutely nothing unless the smell is very strong. The last time I had an incident where I was able to smell every little thing, it was when I had the rabies virus and had gotten vaccinated. Apparently, this does something to my immune system and causes me to suddenly, temporarily, become able to smell everything.

I thought it was because of pregnancy hormones, maybe, and it was a wonderful and amazing thing, to suddenly be able to smell. However, over the next hour, the effect faded, and it came out of nowhere, and it seems to be back to normal now. I was hoping it was pregnancy hormones and I was hoping I’d be able to smell everything for nine months while pregnant. It’s wonderful being able to smell every little thing. But now that I have this dull ache, coinciding with that incident, it makes me wonder – was my immune system suddenly ‘doing something?’ Was it… attacking an intruder? I can’t tell it to stop attacking the intruder. The intruder was supposed to be welcome.

I don’t know…. wait another week or two. I still don’t feel any unusual sensations, although I was ravenously hungry yesterday. However, it is normal to be ravenously hungry in the week or two before menstruation, and this has been scientifically observed too. The appetite changes during the monthly menstrual cycle. So I can’t attribute this appetite to pregnancy. This dull ache… I feel it now… it feels exactly like my mild premenstrual cramps that always are a warning that the period is coming.

Follow up. UFO.

September 24, 2016

Other planes didn’t have contrails. It varied. This one was in the same spot for a long time. It wasn’t on the horizon. Planes on the horizon always are slow from perspective. The perspective on this one was at about 2:00 in the sky, nowhere near the horizon. I saw it again and tried to photo it but it’s too small for my phone cam. It did move very very slowly, vanishing and reappearing.

4th UFO, oddest one yet

September 24, 2016

In the clear sky, it is shining in the setting sun’s light. It hovers in one place, not moving. It vanishes and reappears. I could not photograph it, as it is too small. It’s just a metal object reflecting light in the sky. Slow moving, high flying plane with no contrail? Right over the sign in the photo. Did not seem to move slowly or at all. Almost slowly spinning, reflecting sun from some surfaces but not others. Another plane has a contrail. Stationary satellite? It did NOT get in the photo. I’m just showing how the sky is, and that other planes have contrails.

Maki Yaki, and, a girl who looks like Agustin

September 24, 2016

10:29 AM 9/24/2016

I’m going to work, and I managed to take a shower and wash my hair, but I really, really need to do the laundry as soon as possible. I might have an opportunity to do it on Sunday.

So, my schedule. They didn’t want me to have three days off, but instead of putting my foot down, I am tolerating having two days off – and this is not so bad, it’s not like Kaarma. At Kaarma, I had absolutely zero flexibility, but here, I have some. At Kaarma, it was ‘work 72 hours a week for $400, or get fired and replaced.’ Here, it is ‘We worked without you yesterday, and it was horrible, all the dishes were piled up in a mountain.’ Guilt trip, but not an outright ‘we’re gonna fire you’ tactic. They are much, much nicer to me. They actually measure the hours I work, so I am being paid overtime and it depends on how many hours I work, unlike Kaarma, which was a fixed weekly amount.

I still do need free time FOR ITS OWN SAKE, and the guy who scheduled me was actually able to grasp that concept, when I discussed it with him – I forget his exact words, but he said, ‘We do pay overtime, unless what you need is actually just the time off’ or something to that effect, showing that he understood that ‘time off’ is, in and of itself, a value. Freddy at Kaarma did not understand that ‘time off’ is in and of itself a value.

So I am able to negotiate, and also I am able to earn more money per week. I didn’t have the option of earning any more than $400 at Kaarma – it was absolutely non-negotiable. I haven’t calculated how much I can earn here, but I make $7.75 and they will do the time and a half pay for hours over 40.

I’m waiting for a taxi – no bus on Saturday.

I looked online and found a picture of someone who resembles Agustin, a young girl from Guatemala. His hair was short and styled to stand up with gel. I forget the name, almost a pompadour but not quite. Sort of a spike. All of them did that with their hair, but his style was slightly different. If I can I will attach the photo I found online. I put it in a folder called ‘Truman’s Magazines,’ from The Truman Show, where he found magazine pictures that resembled the one woman who told him the truth and tried to free him, because he had no photos of her. So, Agustin looked like this. Imagine this girl as a teenage boy, slightly shorter than I am and weighing less than me.

I might feel the hormones now

September 24, 2016

7:45 AM 9/24/2016

I can feel them now. In the middle of the night it was most noticeable. I had been sleeping for a while and woke up and went to the bathroom. It seems like the hormones ‘pool’ in the lymph while I am sleeping or something, or maybe, they have access to my brain while I sleep, maybe when those crypt things are open that allow the spinal cord fluid to go into the brain and clean it out. I forget what they’re called.

I woke up and went looking for Jacob outside, and I started to notice that I was feeling very dizzy, anxious, and uncomfortable.

I didn’t finish cleaning off my belongings yet, and I still need to, but I am starting to feel a benevolent love, so that the ideas that I am thinking of feel agreeable, when before they might have felt disagreeable. I don’t quite know for certain yet but I am fairly sure that what I am feeling are the pregnancy hormones. The idea I was thinking of was Anaya, thinking of my tribe, my society, my religion, my intentional community.

It is up to other forces to decide if this baby lives or dies. I do not kill it.

But yes, I need to move out of this house now.

‘Helicopter UFO’ went over Nittany Mall area

September 22, 2016

I was at Wal-Mart waiting at the bus stop, and there was a strangely shaped object flying low which went over the Nittany Mall area. It was flying rather low and it seemed like a helicopter, except it didn’t make as much noise as a helicopter, and was strangely shaped, and I didn’t really see the rotors. It made no unusual motions – no high speeds, no unusual changes of altitude or direction – behaving like either an ordinary helicopter going somewhere, or a very large drone. I don’t recall enough detail to describe the shape. It narrowed downwards at the back. It seemed almost boat-shaped somehow. It was just *different*, like a design of a helicopter that was unfamiliar or unusual. I just assumed it was only a helicopter and that for some reason I wasn’t able to see the rotors or hear a helicopter noise. I assumed it was just far enough away that I couldn’t hear the helicopter noise, but I did hear some kind of noise, just a quiet humming noise. I wondered if it was a two-rotor helicopter, but it didn’t look like one of those either. Just a ‘strangely designed helicopter’ is how I would have to describe it.

I am lost; must clean pesticide

September 22, 2016

I’m out running errands. I saw Agustin’s bike parked by either the haircut place or tattoo place. It was gone later. My heart is being ripped out of my chest, but I can’t cry. I’m checking on the tent now to see if it’s okay. I’m not there yet. Jason came home from the Marines. I must wash EVERYTHING contaminated by the hotel pesticide, or i will never be happy again. Food stamps case worker keeps going home early, worthless bastard. Maybe i should become a case worker so i can work a couple hours and go home whenever i please. I can’t finish the process till i talk to him.

The despair and darkness over me. How could his child ever love me? Pesticides must be cleaned, errands must be run. Man-hating and woman-hating.

September 22, 2016

11:13 AM 9/22/2016

I still am contaminated with some pesticide or the unknown substance, whatever it is, from the hotel. I can’t think very well and I can’t get out of bed. I was able to get up and take a shower. I have a bunch of errands to run today. If I fail to run all these errands, then I am going to have to tell my employer that it is life or death important for me to have three days off instead of only two days off.

Most important is to go to the food stamps office and to call them on the phone, but also, I have to pick up my check from work.

Agustin’s baby: If Agustin is misogynistic – woman-hating – then won’t his child hate me too? I was talking to a facebook friend who I met in a socionics forum, and he mentioned something intriguing that has been on my mind for the last few days. He’s gay, and he talked about how in some cultures it’s acceptable for men to touch each other in loving ways. He said these were ‘non-heterosexualized cultures,’ and that they tended to segregate men from women, and tended to be misogynistic.

That seems to describe Guatemala and Agustin. The men are all together, touching each other in loving ways, giving each other much more love than they give to the women, who they seem to hate and resent. Women are putas and nothing but putas, all of them. The women have no comfort and no friendship from the men. Men even give each other sexual touch, and I have seen it happening many times. Women exist for only one purpose – to fuck, and then to abandon, never to spend any time with them, never to get to know them, never to try to understand them, never to open up to them psychologically.

They know you have to pay a woman to fuck you. Agustin can’t understand why I am not making him pay me. But to him, this is just simply an amazing opportunity to fuck someone for free and then abandon them like garbage anyway. He has absolutely no desire to get to know me, no desire to learn anything from me or to teach me anything that I would want to learn from him, no desire to see me as a human being. The only people who are truly human are men, not women. Women are not human. Women have no souls. Only men have souls, and only men can be loved. Women cannot be loved, women can only be fucked.

So, Agustin’s child – isn’t that child going to hate me too? It will probably be very similar to him. This child will reject me for its entire life – I will always be not good enough, not exciting enough, not interesting enough, not worth listening to. It’s like adopting the child of a stranger.

So the rationale for having sex with him is, because not many American men will be willing to just have unprotected fertile sex with ejaculation, without also wanting to marry you first, and without also being extremely repulsive. I can find hundreds of millions of men on dating websites, but all of them, without exception, are repulsive. Agustin is attractive enough that I can bear to have sex with him. But he has no interest in marrying me or getting to know me or spending more than this very small maximum number of minutes with me.

My child really will be a stranger to me, like an adopted child, someone who I will never know, no matter how long I live with them – just like its father. That was why I was hoping to at least have some contact with the father, so that the child could know that there was at least one human being out there who it could relate to and understand. The child will be raised with my alien values and alien beliefs, and it will always be looking for something, a group of people with shared, similar values, the way the Guatemalans all share their gold necklace, their bicycle, their phones, and whatever else they share. For me, values are something unique and complicated, and this is because of socionics – my values have a plus sign, whereas Gamma values have a minus sign.

My perception, however, is the one with a minus sign, so I look for people with a shared perception, a global description of what the world is – except, this is poorly defined – I do not have a good definition for what exactly -Si and -Ne are looking at. values with a minus sign are vague and general, so you can say about Gamma ‘everybody values money,’ and it’s that simple, and that’s all you need to know. Just give money to people! Everybody values money! Do anything at all to people that you want to do to them, but who cares – just give them some money and it’ll fix it! Work them overtime and take away every waking hour of their life – but who cares, we all value the same thing – money! Nobody has any special unique values that only they, alone, can understand and make decisions about. Anybody can share anything with anyone and anybody can understand anybody else’s values. We all like and dislike the same things.

Socionics…. it helps me to understand, but it doesn’t make the pain go away. I can’t help falling in love with the wrong person, and I can’t help being mind-controlled to pursue that person when he doesn’t want to be with me. It doesn’t make the anger go away. It doesn’t make the sadness and grief go away. I have known all this time that Agustin was wrong for me, but I could act like everything was fine if I was on drugs. I’m not using those drugs anymore. I can’t act like everything is fine now. Agustin only liked me if I was on drugs acting like everything was fine. Now that I am drug-free, I can only act like myself – a suffering, negative-minded, grieving person who already knows that he is gone, and gone forever.

So, why him, as the father of my child? Why did it have to be him? Just because I find him attractive enough to have sex with him, when I find everybody else repulsive? I can tolerate sex with repulsive people, if its only purpose is to give me a child, as long as I don’t have to have sex with that person every single day for the rest of my life. I could have sex infrequently with someone repulsive. Just not all the time.

I need to finish decontaminating these pesticides, but I can’t do that yet – I have to go to town and run some errands. I must get rid of this poison which is causing me to despair and to have such endless fatigue and the desire to do nothing but sleep.

How long will I pine for him, knowing he is gone, knowing he isn’t using his phone anymore and isn’t seeing my messages? How long will I keep sending messages to him? I’m not sending them very often. I already know there is no hope.

can I not move to someplace sunny, so that I will never need to see the darkness of winter again? I never want it again. I want to be happy. I don’t want this darkness over me anymore.

bloatpress didn’t get my email

September 21, 2016

I don’t have time to mess with this. I’m running out the door to go to work.

bad pesticide day

September 21, 2016

Why didn’t this send?

On 9/21/16, Nicole Binns wrote:
> I took a shower, which hopefully helped. But I still have residues on > me from the hotel. I assume it’s pesticide. I need to wash the > backpack too. I probably should wash the bedsheets because I have > slept on this bed while still contaminated. It will take a few more > washes of various things to get clean. It causes me to be so > exhausted that all I do is sleep, and when I do wake up, I am so tired > I can barely move, and when I do move, I am shaking and twitching and > thrashing around in an unnatural way.
> The light bulb burned out. I am out of money. I can’t even afford a > light bulb. The food stamps guy called. I have to call him back and > set up an appointment. I had to just tell them there were no other > people living in this house, because last time, they wanted the names, > birthdates, and social security numbers of every human being within a > half mile radius of me, and I couldn’t get those, so I was rejected > for food stamps. So I said that I live in a nuclear blast zone devoid > of life. That worked. Just tell them I don’t know anybody, I have no > friends or acquaintances, and I have never interacted with another > person in my whole life.
> I haven’t a penny to my name. I kinda hope Maki Yaki is really quick > with their paychecks. I’m able to eat chicken and rice there, but > it’s bad chicken and non-organic rice. I can’t get a fancy meal all > the time unless I pay for it, I think, although someone made it sound > like I might be able to.
> I will have to struggle to work while somewhat impaired by pesticide. > I am not drinking coffee.
> I don’t feel any new weird sensations, ever since the moment of either > conception or attachment to the wall of the uterus, whatever happened > in the middle of the night tonight. Nothing weird, although I noticed > that when I was getting out of bed and walking around to take my > shower, I was mini-retching, just those throat movements where it’s > kind of like retching, but not really unpleasant and no actual nausea, > and it kind of feels like I have to burp but nothing comes out. But > my cat vomited last night too, and I cleaned it up. And other people > were talking about upset stomachs. So I can’t verify the reason why I > am slightly sick. I’m eating now and trying to soothe my stomach by > putting something in it. At least I was able to afford to buy cream > for my cereal. I hate eating cereal for breakfast but it’s a > necessity right now.

bad pesticide day

September 21, 2016

I took a shower, which hopefully helped. But I still have residues on me from the hotel. I assume it’s pesticide. I need to wash the backpack too. I probably should wash the bedsheets because I have slept on this bed while still contaminated. It will take a few more washes of various things to get clean. It causes me to be so exhausted that all I do is sleep, and when I do wake up, I am so tired I can barely move, and when I do move, I am shaking and twitching and thrashing around in an unnatural way.

The light bulb burned out. I am out of money. I can’t even afford a light bulb. The food stamps guy called. I have to call him back and set up an appointment. I had to just tell them there were no other people living in this house, because last time, they wanted the names, birthdates, and social security numbers of every human being within a half mile radius of me, and I couldn’t get those, so I was rejected for food stamps. So I said that I live in a nuclear blast zone devoid of life. That worked. Just tell them I don’t know anybody, I have no friends or acquaintances, and I have never interacted with another person in my whole life.

I haven’t a penny to my name. I kinda hope Maki Yaki is really quick with their paychecks. I’m able to eat chicken and rice there, but it’s bad chicken and non-organic rice. I can’t get a fancy meal all the time unless I pay for it, I think, although someone made it sound like I might be able to.

I will have to struggle to work while somewhat impaired by pesticide. I am not drinking coffee.

I don’t feel any new weird sensations, ever since the moment of either conception or attachment to the wall of the uterus, whatever happened in the middle of the night tonight. Nothing weird, although I noticed that when I was getting out of bed and walking around to take my shower, I was mini-retching, just those throat movements where it’s kind of like retching, but not really unpleasant and no actual nausea, and it kind of feels like I have to burp but nothing comes out. But my cat vomited last night too, and I cleaned it up. And other people were talking about upset stomachs. So I can’t verify the reason why I am slightly sick. I’m eating now and trying to soothe my stomach by putting something in it. At least I was able to afford to buy cream for my cereal. I hate eating cereal for breakfast but it’s a necessity right now.

the microwave, on the left side

September 21, 2016

The microwave was on the left side of the room, in the dream. I keep my old cell phone in my pocket, the one attached to a string, in the left pocket. I had wondered why it seemed like I never felt an ovulation from the left side, only from the right side, when I recall having ever felt that pinprick sensation before. I might be wrong – maybe I have ovulated from the left side. I was just wondering earlier if the left side was dead for some reason. But the left side is indeed next to where the phone always was, and the phone emitted signals which were strong enough to interfere with electrical equipment nearby – if I were standing near a music speaker when it sent this signal, I would hear a rhythmic buzzing coming out of the speaker – ch ch ch ch chhhhh ch ch ch chhhhhh I forget the exact rhythm, but the cell phone was spontaneously sending things out every few minutes.