Archive for March, 2014

Nat Rothschild has Prozac eyes

March 31, 2014

I’ve been trying for the last fifteen minutes to write a post on WordPress, but they’ve messed up the web page and it’s giving me garbage that locks up my entire computer so I have to press the off button and restart it every time.  Great job, wordpress!  Thanks for the update!

I’ve been looking at pictures of the Rothschild family, and I noticed that Nat Rothschild’s face looks weird.  I recognize the look from when I used to be on antidepressants.  The eyes have some sort of unnatural, dark, glazed look about them, but I can’t really describe it.  It’s almost like he has no pupils, except when I see these Prozac eyes, they usually look almost all black, like the pupils are extremely dilated and there are no irises.  The eyes twinkle, sparkle, shine, reflect the light.

In Nat Rothschild’s pictures his eyes look almost completely blue without pupils, but I still recognize them as Prozac eyes.  I just recognize the look.  He has a permanent smirk in every single photo, almost without exception.  There is almost not a single photo of him without that permanent drug-induced smirk.  I just thought, ‘Whoa, his face looks really weird!’ when I saw his photo.  It looks like a mask, like someone who’s had plastic surgery, like Michael Jackson with his weird unnatural eyes.

nat rothschild prozac eyes permagrin


The people who control the world are using drugs that turn people into soulless murdering sociopaths.  I was reading about them because they own the patents (now that the plane passengers have been kidnapped and killed by the US Navy) to some technology.  The missing Malaysian flight was taken to Diego Garcia airport.  I’m going to have to look up the names and stuff again because I can’t remember.  I’m not writing a post about all the details of the Navy-hijacked plane; I’m writing about Nat Rothschild’s Prozac eyes.

Feeling depressed and restless and lonely, and wanting to become a rabble-rouser

March 28, 2014

2:57 PM 3/28/2014

I have this feeling of misery today that I cannot explain. It’s been going on for the last couple days, actually. It’s a feeling of despair and hopelessness. It’s partly because I cannot move on to any other projects until I finish this paperwork for the apartment. I feel physically depressed and sad, and it seems to be more than just the apartment and the paperwork. I feel like it’s also because it’s chilly and cloudy outside, and it’s going to rain today.

But it’s more than that. I feel like so much time has passed, but I’ve gotten nothing done. It is taking forever for me to get ready for pregnancy, and I’m doubting that I ever will. I have to find someone I love, but I’m not looking for anyone right now, and yet I am horribly lonely. I’m postponing that too because I have to do other things first.

Jesse is probably not an option – I barely ever get to see him or speak to him at all, for many reasons. I’m still sort of clinging to him and hoping, but in reality, I’m going to have to just let him go. He doesn’t want to be with me. Every once in a while we get to have a conversation on the phone or something and I’ll start hoping again, but in reality, I never spend any time with him at all.

I have to go to work at McD today, and I’m going to ride the bus, and I just feel like going to work today is pointless and I have more important things to do than go to work. I want to change my life. But I want to get the apartment paperwork settled first, and I can’t do anything else on earth until that one thing is done. I’m just waiting till next Tuesday so I can get another paycheck from McD and I’ll be able to give them two consecutive paycheck stubs, instead of trying to get the missing one.

The McD payroll person on the phone gave me this website, ‘,’ where I can set up an account (and I did) and the other person has to set up an account, and then we can make a special key that I would give to them, and they’d be able to download my income verification, although I don’t know if they could print it. The apartment people said it had to be on paper. I don’t know if it would have the information they needed, either, because it doesn’t show an example of what it looks like when they download your information.

I spent a long time signing up for this online account there and then gave up on it, because only then, only after wasting all that time signing up, was I able to read more detailed instructions and information and see what was available on the website and what could be done there. You can’t see that just from the front page of the website. There is no demo, nothing to encourage you to look at anything or nothing to explain what exactly it does. I was just told to go there, and I did, and then I gave up afterwards and said, ‘Nope, I’m not going to bother with this, I’ll just wait till Tuesday.’ That stupid website was the last straw. I’m not going to go to them and tell them, ‘Hey, you guys have to go and spend half an hour filling out these fields on this website to sign up for an account that you’ll never use again, and then, maybe you’ll be able to get the information you need, and then again, maybe not, and maybe it will be printable, and maybe it won’t, I don’t know.’ I just didn’t want to mess with that.

I have this horrible, horrible feeling today that I just don’t want to go to work. It’s partly because I’m working at the Nittany Mall store instead of the Hills Plaza store, so I have to get used to a new routine and go somewhere else on the bus, farther away. I have to think about what I’m doing instead of doing something easy and automatic. I’m working fewer hours this week, and I had requested to work fewer hours at McD, and I’m also working fewer hours at TB this week too. I just have this intense aversion to going to work tonight, and this very strong feeling that I don’t want to be there and don’t want to waste my time working when I have other things that have to be done.

It feels ‘existential.’ It feels like it’s much more than just the apartment paperwork. It feels like an unbearable loneliness, like I’m giving up on Jesse (I’m pretty sure he’s still in Florida right now, because his grandmother died for real, and he’ll be at the funeral today, I think). I have to find someone to be with, someone who understands me, someone who ‘gets it.’ I need to find someone who is able to listen to me, understand what I say, and agree with me. I need to find someone who cares about the same things I care about and wants the same things I want. I have this feeling that everybody in society is going different directions and using their energy for infinity different goals, but the big important goals that I need to have done require a huge amount of resources, which cannot come from just one poor person. It either requires a very wealthy person, or a large number of poor people (or a mixture of rich and poor) who can provide the resources to get these things done.

I can’t be happy in life because I am constantly being attacked by electronic mind control. I don’t know if everybody is experiencing this and just isn’t aware of it, or if it’s specifically directed at me and following me all the time. I have some reasons to believe it’s directed at me in particular. Sometimes when I travel, the attacks change or fade temporarily.

I just have this desire to convince some non-victims that this is happening and that it’s important. I do encounter other victims online, but either 1. the NSA won’t let them reach out to me, and deletes their comments, or 2. there aren’t a lot of other victims, and most of them are incompatible with me, or they’re in a different phase or having a different experience than I am. It’s hard to explain. People who are far away, who I can’t see in person, who are being attacked, who have few or no resources, partly because their lives have been destroyed, are hard to cooperate with. Sometimes I encounter people who are suffering very badly and I can’t help them. I am a ‘high-functioning’ electronic mind control victim, because I’m still able to drag myself to work every day, whereas some victims are totally incapacitated.

I went to see a movie last night, which is something I sometimes do when I’m depressed and lonely. I don’t want to be with just anyone, because being with somebody annoying is worse than being alone. So I just went by myself. I watched ‘The Wind Rises.’ It was very good, and sad, and I felt like it was an IEE movie. Maybe I’m wrong, and one could argue that it represented other types. It could have been ILE, actually. I mean, the main character.

This movie left me feeling more depressed. It was very beautiful. It made me think about war, old-fashioned war, where you had a limited number of bombs that cost money to make. There were limits to how much damage you could do, how much you could destroy another country. There were a finite number of bombs, a finite number of airplanes, and a finite amount of damage.

Nowadays, the bombs are free and infinite. You irradiate a country, an entire country, with electromagnetic frequencies that destroy its people’s free will, so they cannot rebel and cannot think for themselves, but can only follow a path like sheep and do things automatically. That is the world I live in. It is infinite, nonstop total destruction of all souls all of the time forever. It isn’t like that finite, limited war that we had in the past. This is eternal war to suppress the soul forever, while the slaves continue to walk around producing stuff and giving it to the leaders.

I’m having a desire to be a rabble-rouser. I want to talk to large numbers of people and motivate them to action, specific visible actions that get immediate concrete results. This, however, is illegal. Motivating large numbers of people to do anything at all will get you thrown in jail. We do not have ‘free speech.’ I’ve read some descriptions of what exactly constitutes ‘free speech,’ and one of the definitions is ‘It must be futile.’ ‘Futile’ speech is free speech. As long as you’re saying something useless and impossible that has no concrete results and does not move anyone to practical actions, you are allowed to have free speech. You are not allowed to have free speech if you say, ‘Go punch that guy.’ All of my speeches are action-oriented. I seek to find the emotions that are common to everyone in the crowd, and then act on them. We all feel this way. Everyone has this feeling. Let’s do something about it to make it better.

Wrestling with Windows

March 27, 2014

12:34 PM 3/27/2014

I’m studying The Art Of Assembly Language Programming right now. I’m writing things on paper, by hand, because for some reason, I always learned better that way. I’m writing things in a spiral notebook with a pen. When I was in high school, I preferred to write my Pascal programs on paper before trying them. I and this other girl, Erika, both noticed that we were unusual in preferring to write them on paper first, while the other guys, who were more confident and daring, would just jump in and start programming on the computer itself, and didn’t need to see it all on paper first. I think it might be my limited ability to visualize, or my limited short-term memory. If I see it on paper, I can see the whole thing. Even trying to type it in an editor isn’t good enough, because I often need to write informal things, like circles around a bunch of code, or an arrow drawn from one thing to another. There are programs where you can draw circles around text, and arrows and things like that, but I don’t want to go find those programs and use them for my program writing – I’ll just write it on paper.

I was disappointed to find that the stdio module is out of date and doesn’t work on my computer. This book, and HLA, was written many years ago. It’s designed to help people learn assembly language. You don’t just jump right in to the lowest level stuff right away. You learn the overall concepts of what you are doing and why, and you gradually learn the more technical details of assembly language. So, in the beginning, there is a standard way to automatically print letters on the screen, and other low level things.

It works for most stuff, but it didn’t work when I tried to use the ‘bell’ function, which makes the system speaker beep, and it didn’t work when I tried to use the linefeed characters that are supposed to NOT do a carriage return. It’s supposed to just move you down a line without going back to the beginning of the line. All versions of that function failed – they all did a carriage return anyway. Some of them even explicitly said, ‘This should work under Windows,’ and stuff like that – ‘This REALLY IS a line feed and just a line feed, without a carriage return, I swear!’ – but to no avail, all of them did a carriage return and put me back at the beginning of the line.

This is disappointing, but yet… it makes me want to learn how to get in deeper and break free of Windows. And I began to think of it as wanting to ‘defeat’ Windows. I want to win the battle against Windows. Windows is restricting me. Windows isn’t letting me do the things I want to do. For everything I want to do, I have to go through the middleman of Windows. It’s frustrating. I want to defeat Windows and take control of the operating system myself, directly. I want to communicate with the CPU and tell it secret things that Windows doesn’t want to let me tell it. I want to tell the truth without being censored. This is an existential truth that goes beyond just programming and assembly language. It’s my life. ‘Windows’ is all around me, restricting and censoring what I do.

I want to control the screen directly. I don’t want to do any of this ‘Windows GUI’ or ‘Console Mode’ crap. I want to tell it, ‘Look, just put these pixels on the screen, okay? Pretend you don’t even know Windows.’ There is no Windows. There is no DOS. There is no console. There is no GUI. There is only me and the CPU talking to each other.

I am wrestling with Windows. I want to get in to the CPU so I can talk to it without this middleman changing everything I say and distorting my commands.

I have to be patient. This is the reason why I’m learning assembly language. This book is designed to help me learn assembly language. It’s just frustrating that one of the functions I tried to use failed, so early on in the book. What if other important functions fail? What if I absolutely cannot progress any farther in this book because I have to use some function that’s out of date and won’t work on my computer, and I can’t write the example programs without it?

How do I ‘speak to’ the innermost CPU without going through Windows? I have to go through Windows, to begin with. I’m typing on a keyboard. If I type a certain code, I will get in. If I type a particular series of words on this keyboard, Windows will submit and get out of my way. I can break Windows. Windows will bend to my will. It must obey. There has to be a way to get around it and talk to the CPU.

Now, granted, I don’t want to break it forever – after all, I haven’t done a backup yet. If I do a backup and save my stuff, and get ready to reinstall everything, then maybe I’ll be ready. I don’t want to mess anything up in a way that can’t be fixed. I’m not trying to destroy Windows. I just want to get around it.

So it’s a battle between me and Windows. I am gradually, slowly learning the moves and the tricks.

That’s why the other languages weren’t good enough for me. I was never satisfied learning the higher level languages. Yes, they make it easy to write a program quickly, and they make it readable. But I wanted to make programs that were faster and simpler. And I wanted to deeply understand what was really going on. I remembered computers from my childhood that didn’t have all this GUI stuff.

That’s something kids these days don’t know. They’ve never seen a green screen computer without a mouse. All you had was text. You had to remember keystrokes. There were limits to how much memory you could use. You couldn’t afford to waste space and be sloppy and shortsighted. Nowadays, we’re so ‘rich’ that we can afford to do anything we want. We have infinite memory, infinite hard drive space, infinite processor speed. But that saves us from having to think about what we’re doing, think carefully.

What if I don’t want to write a program that goes through either the Windows GUI interface or the console interface? What if I want ‘neither?’ What if I want to just do something, and screw all those interfaces? I want to talk to all those little pieces inside the computer, where you open it up and you see the motherboard and all the little gold lines on it and the little chips and thingies. I want to know what those are doing and I want to tell them to do what I want.

There is no ‘I want’ statement in this programming language. There are ‘true or false’ statements, but no ‘I want’ statements. There are ‘A = B’ statements. But there is no way to say that something is desirable and valuable and I want to have it and control it. This is the concept of resources, food, physical space, the things that living creatures need.

I’d like to program a computer that could use all the plus and minus information elements from socionics.

I don’t have an internet connection at home, which is a good thing. It’s the reason why I’m able to sit here studying assembly language. If I had an internet connection, I’d be doing other things besides studying this. An internet connection at home distracts me. I would not be able to resist the urge to get online and do something. Restrictions and limitations force people to develop other things. I’m not talking about something like taxes on the population – I’m not saying ‘Taxes are good’ or something like that. I’m talking about natural limitations or the lack of something.

(I ended up quitting this and going to get something to eat.  I was feeling miserable today.)

Fuck the paperwork. I think I’ll just wait a week till I get my next paycheck.

March 26, 2014

3:34 PM 3/26/2014

I might give up on this paperwork. I might just wait for a week to pass until I get my next paycheck from McD. My head hurts so badly right now I can barely even think, so it’s hard for me to write this. I’m not sure why my head hurts so badly, because I’ve had caffeine today, so I’m not in caffeine withdrawal.

The apartment office wanted a copy of my two most recent direct deposit stubs from both jobs. This turned out to be a huge hassle. TB forgot to give me one of them, and it was still in their safe, but I thought I had it and lost it, so I didn’t ask them to find it for me. So I didn’t have one of those. Fortunately, a manager found it and gave it to me, and so TB is settled now.

But McD lost one because they are closing down our store. I’m going to the Nittany Mall store. They told me one of my checks got mailed to that store. I went there, and they can’t find it. They found my most recent one, but not the one from last week.

The apartment people said I could just get my bank to give me my three most recent bank statements – that’s right, three months of bank statements – as an alternative. I tried to do that, but the lady accidentally printed the month of December instead of January, and I didn’t notice until I brought it to the apartment office. The apartment robots want them to be consecutive. This is insane.

I called the McD people to ask for a copy of my direct deposit stub. They can’t do it, but they sent me to a website. I can make a special key and tell the apartment people to 1. go get an account at this website, and 2. use the special key to get my income verification.

I don’t even feel like doing that. They can fuck themselves. I’m not doing any more today. I’ll just wait till next week and give them my pay stub next week.

Meanwhile, I betcha $100 that they’re going to start harassing Weiyang or whatever her name is, the girl who attempted to move out and attempted to sublet this apartment to me. They’re going to go to her and ask her to pay the rent, even though she’s gone. Or, they’ll start harassing my current roommates and telling them they have to pay an increased rent because mine is no longer being paid. I have plenty of money, but they won’t take payments from me because I’m not officially on the lease yet.

If they harass anybody else to make payments on my behalf, I will just give my cash directly to that person (victim), whoever they are.

Meanwhile, I also decided to get a bus pass yesterday. I was paying for the bus in cash every time I rode it, but I’m riding it a lot more than I did in the past. I decided it was worth it to get a bus pass again. The lady who made my new bus pass forgot to update the date on it, so it said it was expired, and I kept trying to use it last night and this morning and it was beeping and getting rejected and I didn’t know why. I showed it to a bus driver, who noticed that the date was misprinted. He let me ride the bus. I took it back to CATA a while ago and had it remade.

I’m running all over town fixing other people’s mistakes. Somebody from McD mailed my direct deposit slip to the wrong store too early before our store was actually shut down. Somebody at TB forgot to give me my pay stub and left it in the safe. Somebody at CATA forgot to update my bus card’s expiration date. The bank lady printed out the wrong month when I requested a copy of my bank statements. None of these things were my fault. I am having to run around all over the place to fix them all.

I have a headache, but there is no such thing as a stress headache – stress headaches are a myth. If a headache is associated with stress, it’s because a third factor is causing you to feel a sensation of being more stressed than usual, and simultaneously giving you a headache – for instance, any food or drug or substance that raises your blood pressure will give you a headache and also cause you to feel stressed and angry. I have a headache for an unknown reason, and I’ve been sick repeatedly over the past few days with stomach viruses, which often give me headaches, and I’m probably getting it again.

I’m at the library right now. I had to go to that web page where you can give them a key and let them look at your income verification, but I just don’t want to mess with it. I looked at it and said fuck it.

MSG (Monosodium Glutamate) is the cause of the Tiger Mom phenomenon in China.

March 25, 2014

11:06 AM 3/25/2014

My roommates gave me Chinese fried rice last night, with some spices on it that contained MSG (I read the jar). So, my brain is on MSG, and I discovered that yes, it is definitely MSG that gives me Chinese Brain Syndrome. I have observed Chinese Brain Syndrome many times in the past after eating out at Chinese restaurants. I would notice that I was extremely intelligent afterwards, as though I was on a drug. I thought it came from drinking tea, but I could never replicate the effect just by drinking tea. “Chicken of China, the Chinese chicken, have a drumstick and your brain starts tickin'” – I heard that song not too long ago, and it’s true. Your brain starts tickin’ because MSG is an excitotoxin. For some reason, it only happens when I eat MSG in the chemical form known as MSG, and not when I eat other hidden, secret forms of MSG, like ‘autolyzed yeast extract’ and all those other things they warn you about when you’re trying to avoid MSG in your diet.

I was lying in bed awake for hours with my brain going crazy. I’ve decided that Chinese Tiger Moms, the extremely insane high-achieving culture that Americans make fun of in their Tiger Mom Memes (and Tiger Dad memes as well), are caused by MSG in Chinese food – and I’m not even joking. I sincerely believe that MSG strongly affects the entire Chinese culture. It is an extremely strong brain stimulant that causes perfectionism.

I was lying in bed imagining how I might start a corporation, and how I might convey the corporate culture down through many generations, so that the corporation would stay alive even if I left. I would have laws and principles that would be eternal and that would be taught to new employees. So I was envisioning a corporate structure where every employee, all the way down from the CEO, would be expected to ‘Learn, Teach, and Work.’ Every employee would have a ‘parent’ and a ‘child.’ The parent would teach you the laws handed down from the CEO, and you would teach them to your child. I envisioned this whole structure and how it would work. Then I began thinking of things like, what if one link in the chain started teaching the wrong principles, and it got passed down. You could remove the malfunctioning link and attach the one below to the nearest parent above them. Every employee would be capable of running the company and taking over as the CEO.

I’ve thought about this kind of thing before, but never with such insane perfectionism and intelligence as I had thinking about it last night, after eating MSG for the first time in a long while. Normally I strongly avoid anything containing large amounts of MSG. This was definitely poison-induced thinking. The insane perfectionism of it reminded me of Tiger Moms and their perfectionistic achievement culture. Everyone in China is perfectionistic because they are all eating so much MSG.

Then I had nightmares, and was whimpering with fear and talking out loud in the middle of the night. That usually doesn’t happen to me either. I have fake, forced dreams written by the murderers, but I don’t usually wake up scared and whimpering.

This morning, I am still in a slightly strange brain state. I was looking at the bus schedule. I need to go to the Nittany Mall McD to pick up my direct deposit stubs because I have to give them to the apartment people so they can finish my applicatioin to get on the lease.

I was looking at a map of the bus routes. The streets were named bucolic, pastoral, old-fashioned names that are no longer true. We’ve all seen this before – a road in the middle of a city named ‘Elm Street,’ which is totally paved and doesn’t have a single elm anywhere in sight. I was seeing ‘Crabapple Drive,’ ‘Hedgerow Drive,’ ‘Wheatfield Drive,’ ‘Greenfield Drive,’ ‘Barley Way,’ ‘Broadmoor Lane,’ and so on. There probably aren’t any moors or fields or farmlands there now.

So then I had this weird thought process. It was in the future. It was a post-dystopian future, an idyllic and peaceful world. Instead of having concrete-paved city streets named after plants and trees and farms and natural scenery that no longer existed, we had peaceful, tree-lined, grassy streets named after a dystopian past that no longer existed. It was this environmentally friendly suburb filled with greenery and gardens, with street names like ‘Evil Avenue,’ ‘Greed Gardens,’ ‘Concrete Way,’ ‘Asphalt Alley,’ ‘Corruption Commune,’ and so on, but without any evil, greed, concrete, or asphalt, or corruption anywhere in sight. The streets would be little pathways made of dirt. ‘Pollution Plaza.’ ‘Radiation River.’ ‘Garbage Gardens,’ and so on. I can think of a lot more. Streets named after illegal drugs and drug users, murder, crime, theft, sickness and disease and death and urban decay, all of which no longer existed there. And people would take these names for granted as normal, and not even think about the fact that the names didn’t mean anything. It was just always named that. I never thought about the past.

I am so sick and exhausted that I can barely get up out of bed, but I have to go get that pay stub at the Nittany Mall McD. These apartment people are insisting that I must give them my two latest pay stubs. I gave them a whole bunch, but they weren’t the two most recent. They refuse to enter them into the computer unless it’s the two most recent. So I am still not officially on the lease. I don’t know if they will accept me, since I have credit defaults in the past. I have plenty of saved money in cash and in my account right now, but people are brainless robots, and if their machine automatically rejects me, the people won’t care even if I shove a million dollars in cash in their faces, they’ll be like, ‘Nope, the machine says we can’t let you live here. Your credit is bad. Bye!’ And if I ask to talk to the manager, hoping the manager will have a brain, they probably won’t let me talk to the manager.

I’m sick again, today, and I’m not the only one. I feel nauseated, like I have a stomach virus. And I was walking through town when I saw a fresh pool of vomit on the sidewalk. Nothing like a fresh pool of vomit to liven up one’s walk through town!

The Vegetable Juicer; and, more venting about Personality Cafe and the morons who run the place.

March 18, 2014


8:21 PM 3/18/2014

I expressed opinions that were controversial over at PersonalityCafe.

I was in a good mood until I discovered just now that I got banned from PerC for doing nothing.  I was going to write a blog about some of the things I did today, in particular, vegetable juicing, and how much fun it was, but now I’m very annoyed and want to continue complaining about the morons at PerC.

Well, if they REALLY WANTED to say, ‘YES, WE ARE PAID DISINFORMATION AGENTS SPREADING LIES TO DESTROY SOCIONICS FOR THE PURPOSE OF DEPOPULATION,’ and thereby cement that belief firmly in place in my mind for the rest of eternity, BANNING ME FROM THE FORUM WAS THE WAY TO DO THAT.  Now I’m going to conclude that they REALLY ARE paid disinformation agents whose job it is to prevent Americans from ever learning about socionics or being able to use it properly or apply it.

I was in some other forum years ago, and I’m still there, I think, and I can go back.  I don’t remember which one it was, but it’s in my email somewhere.  I can go back again to that one and hope that the retards who operate PerC and the16types aren’t at that forum too.  Or, rather, I shouldn’t say ‘the retards,’ but rather, ‘The Paid Disinformation Agents Whose Goal Is To Destroy Socionics And Thereby Depopulate The World.’

Well, now I have to remember my good mood.  I really was in a good mood.  I got some stuff done today.  I went shopping and got a stainless steel pan.  I got a couple other things I wanted.  I got a heating pad so that I can keep warm with the thermostat turned down.

But now I’m remembering the atmosphere at PersonalityCafe, and still distracted, thinking about that, and not able to think about what I got done today and what I was originally going to write about.

At PersonalityCafe, it was all this happy-schmappy garbage bullshit.  That was the atmosphere, totally and completely dominated by Beta NFs, I think.  The vast majority of people there were IEIs (INFPs).  Every single forum topic fit the Mainstream Bullshit Blogging Protocol:  there would be a title that contains a NUMBER, followed by a QUESTION about something EXTREMELY TRIVIAL AND SHALLOW about your personal life.

Every forum topic was structured like this.  Every one, just like on blog aggregators.

So, for example, a typical forum topic at PerC would be:

What are your ten favorite ways to pick your nose?
What are the five things your hairdresser loves about you?
What six things do you want to accomplish before you die?  (No, scratch that, that’s too deep, they would never post that at PerC – no talk of goals or accomplishing something, and certainly nothing about DEATH.)

Okay, so I’m looking at the forum now, and there were a few other things besides that.  But mostly, lots of garbage like that.  That annoyed me about the forum – I felt like my presence there was against the general mood.  I wanted to talk about things that really mattered, things that were controversial, not your Ten Favorite Types Of Soda, or Which Color Best Describes Your Mood?

Back to what I was talking about.  Grr.

I bought a juicer.  It was the cheapest one.  It doesn’t matter that it was cheap.  It was a Black & Decker, at Wal-Mart.  I tried it, and it works.  It turns out that my ex-boyfriend does not have cancer.  However, I wanted to try juicing anyway.  I was going to offer it to him if he really did have cancer and if he was willing to try alternative treatments instead of chemotherapy.  But what happened was, he jokingly said something about a possible ‘cancer diagnosis,’ but it was just a worrisome and unusual symptom (at this point in time) and not an official diagnosis.  So, nothing yet.  I’m still using the juicer for myself.

I had some broccoli (grr, I keep thinking about RetardCafe!) in the fridge.  I decided to cut off the stems of the broccoli, since I don’t really like those, and I like to eat the florets of the broccoli.  If I was going to waste anything, it should be the stems.

I put together the juicer, a little timidly, and remembered how I had very quickly broken the previous juicer I had tried to use many years ago.  I would not do that again.  You have to be slow and careful and don’t stuff too much in there at once, and you have to cut it up first, and don’t put any materials that are too hard for it to grind up.

I put in my little slices of broccoli stems.  (First, I had to find the on-off switch by looking at the instruction manual, and discovered that it was in plain sight, but on the opposite side of the juicer from where I was sitting, so I couldn’t see it.  Derp-de-durr.)  I turned it on… and in an instant there was juice coming out.  I knew not to expect tons and tons of juice, but there was a surprising amount of juice from these raw broccoli stems.

I drank it, expecting the worst, knowing that broccoli sometimes nauseates me while I’m eating it.  But no – it was absolutely wonderful.  Apparently, it’s the solid material of the broccoli that nauseates me, not the juice essence of the broccoli.  I drank the first sip carefully, then the second sip, and didn’t vomit (not like the time when I tried raw beet juice and almost vomited as the first sip was on its way down my throat, due to all the oxalic acid in beets).  Then I drank it more eagerly and discovered that broccoli stem juice is very, very, very good.

So I’m going to juice things again.

Arugula doesn’t juice.  It gets chopped up into smaller chopped leaves, with no juice.  So I will have to continue eating arugula the old-fashioned way.

I tried ‘oil pulling.’  My female IEE coworker has been talking to me about alternative medicine.  She got a video that talked about some stuff.  She said she herself tried oil pulling with coconut oil.  It just so happened that I already have coconut oil.

Oil pulling is when you swish oil around in your mouth to clean your teeth, basically, and supposedly it also can help your sinuses and throat.  My coworker said it helped her sinuses get cleared.

I tried it.  It actually pulled the plaque or food debris out of my cavity on my back molar.  Somehow, the oil was able to get into there and make the debris disconnect from the cavity and come out.  I don’t know exactly how that worked, but it worked.  Just swishing water in my mouth doesn’t do that, which is why it was noteworthy and unusual that coconut oil did.  I can swish water all I want in my mouth but it will never pull the debris out of that cavity unless I use a toothbrush.  The coconut oil somehow attached to the debris, or got between the debris and the tooth in such a way that the debris could not hold on and it disconnected and fell out.

However.  It is bad.  I suspect that coconut oil might make cavities worse.  I felt cavity pain and irritation after doing this.  My teeth were hurting a little bit more.  Coconut oil contains acids, which is supposedly why it’s good for you.  Maybe it dissolves plaque in your arteries, too.  I suspect that swishing with coconut oil is going to worsen my tooth decay, but I’m not sure yet.

I also suspect vegetable juicing might worsen tooth decay.  Nothing gives me cavities faster than eating whole fruits.  But I would drink bottled juice a lot without noticing cavities.

There is definitely an unwanted side effect to juicing broccoli.  I noticed a Feingold-type hyperactivity and restlessness, the same way I get with salicylate fruits.  After I drank the broccoli juice, I felt ‘energized,’ but in an uncomfortable way.  I felt restless, full of energy but with nothing to do.  I started having dyslexia when I wrote – a typical Feingold reaction to foods and salicylates.  I am a perfectionistic speller and I always notice when I make mistakes, and I would write the wrong thing even though I knew how to spell it, and then say, ‘WTF?’  I was unable to focus, and uncomfortable, wanting to do something but not knowing what, anxious.  It made me want to do some kind of restless physical activity, like jogging.

Note:  I do not believe in the value of exercise.  I believe exercise is bad for you.  This goes against almost the whole of mainstream opinion in the world today.  Primitive hunter-gatherers exercise less than people in cities do.  You are not supposed to go jogging.  You exercise to accomplish a goal.  You exercise if you are stalking your prey while hunting.  That’s all.  After doing that, you don’t need to exercise all the time.  When I temporarily ate a ketogenic diet (fat-burning, without much carbohydrate), I was suddenly energized and able to do lots of physical activity even though I wasn’t in good shape at the time.  You don’t have to be in good shape.  I’m sure exercise is bad for me.  It worsens my chronic fatigue.  It makes me feel miserable the next day.

I need mental focus.  I don’t need physical restlessness that makes me so hyper I have to go jogging to relieve the pain of that restlessness.  Jogging is a brainless activity – you don’t need mental focus.  I am not accomplishing anything useful by jogging.  So, if the type of ‘energy’ that juicing vegetables gives me is Feingold-Hyperactive-Restless-Akathisia, then that’s not what I want.

Still, I am going to try it and I will look for these results of the test:  1. worsening of cavities, 2. Feingold restlessness, irritability, distractibility, dyslexia, disorganized thinking.  I will notice if it makes me feel any better in a positive way.

I did get one good result from juicing, which was that the juice itself was really, really good, in and of itself.  It was so good I loved drinking it and wanted more, lots more, but didn’t have enough broccoli.  You juice a lot of broccoli and get a small cup of juice.  I would have to buy tons and tons of broccoli.  Then you have to decide what to do with the pulp.  I decided to try cooking the pulp in a saucepan and then finding out what happens when you eat it.  It turns out that yes, the fiber, the pulp, is the ‘yucky’ part, and I could barely choke it down.  It was almost gag-inducing and very unpleasant.  The juice was wonderful, the fiber was horrible.

Hyperactivity, disorganized thinking and behavior, restlessness, and dyslexia – you’ll notice my writing style will be more disorganized.  But I am going to try it anyway.

Eventually I will also try a ketogenic diet.  I’m gradually transitioning to living in an apartment, and I have to fill out the paperwork and get that settled so I’m on the lease.  It’s theoretically possible they could reject my application, but if they do, I’ll try to offer them a few months’ rent in advance.  Anyway, I’m transitioning, still, right now, and buying equipment and tools, and I haven’t got my food production routine settled yet.  I really need to be able to produce food several days in advance and package it in a way that I can take it to work with me, particularly at TB.

There is really something in the air, literally in the air, at TB, that makes me feel uncomfortable and hungry.  When I leave, some of the hungry feeling goes away even if I don’t eat.  If I walk out of TB feeling painfully hungry, all I have to do is go outdoors and walk away from TB and go someplace else, and I’m no longer painfully starving, even if I don’t eat anything.  When I am there working, I *must* nibble on snacks constantly, or the pain of the hunger is intolerable.  I do not know what is causing this.  It has bothered me since I first started working there.  I believe there is actually some chemical or substance in the TB food, whether put there deliberately or by accident, which vaporizes into the air and causes your blood sugar to crash, or something.  It is very unpleasant and uncomfortable for me.

So I absolutely have to have food constantly while I work at TB, and I don’t want to keep eating granola bars and slim jims and bottles of Starbucks frappuccino, as I have been doing all this time.  I want to quit coffee – no more starbucks – and I want to quit grains – no more granola bars – and I want to quit processed chemical-filled meats – no more slim jims.  Those foods were all meant to be temporary.  Now that I have a fridge and a stove, I am able to make food and bring it to work.  But I have to set up systems and routines to do that.  It’s not easy to prepare meals several days in advance and then bring them to work with me.  I haven’t gotten it figured out yet, and I’m still testing various foods and meals and cookware.

I could speculate about what chemical it is, but I really don’t know.  There are herbs that cause your blood sugar to crash so that you feel painfully hungry.  Maybe cilantro does that, but I’d have to research it.  It will be phrased in some other way, if that is indeed an attribute of cilantro.  But the cilantro isn’t in the hot food.  It’s in the cold food.  It wouldn’t be vaporizing into the air everywhere.

I think it’s something in the taco beef, but I’m not sure.  It could also be the beans.  Whatever it is, it’s real, and it’s extremely uncomfortable for me.  I absolutely cannot work there without needing to eat snacks several times every hour, so I always go to Weis and buy a bunch of junk food before going there, along with hunger suppressants (caffeine, coffee).  I want to replace all that with foods brought from home, but my home foods might not work to fight against this unnatural hunger.  It might cause sugar cravings or coffee cravings or some other craving.

I’m still annoyed about PersonalityCafe.  I will have to go look back and find that other forum somewhere in my email.  It sucked, too, and it wasn’t a socionics forum.  All Myers-Briggs forums suck.

I took a photo with my tracfone that I originally got for Jesse, but which he didn’t need.  It’s easy to upload photos from the phone, which is why I’m not using my ‘real’ camera, and my ‘real’ camera has some problems anyway.  The other day I saw one of my roommates had her slippers on the floor near the door.  The next day, I saw two different slippers from two different pairs.  I decided these were ‘Asian Slippers,’ to go along with the Asian Jokes and Everything They Do Is Asian theme.

Mismatched Slippers

Really? The people at PersonalityCafe are truly, fucking, retarded.

March 18, 2014

I just got banned from PersonalityCafe for doing nothing.  They decided I was a ‘potential threat’ to other forum members because of the problem that happened with Rick in the past.  Not willing to admit that they just dislike me and my opinions, but rather, because of something that happened in the past, which did not even occur in a forum, but outside of the forum.  In a different forum.  I was banned from the socionics forum, and now from Perc (and Perc sucks anyway, but it was an alternative).  Now, granted, I can go in there under a different username, if I really want to insist on posting in forums.  But my opinions and positions are recognizable to anyone who knows me, and so it’s inevitable that I will get into arguments with people or say things that Nicole would have said. 

So, it’s really true – the accusation I made over at Perc that there are Paid Disinformation Agents actively and deliberately spreading the garbage lies that prevent people in the United States from accepting socionics.  They are spreading this twisted logic which makes socionics unusable if you try to translate Myers-Briggs into socionics.  It makes socionics utterly worthless.  I had said that it seemed like disinformation, the same way people get paid to sit at computers and edit Wikipedia all day long to change articles written about pharmaceutical drugs and the banking system on wikipedia so that the articles express only government propaganda and never the truth.  I said, on Perc, that this disinformation was part of the New World Order depopulation agenda, to prevent people from falling in love with their duals.  It was shortly after this that I got banned.  Not able to tolerate any opinions that they disagree with?  Or, not able to tolerate someone who expressed something true that they don’t want me to talk about?

a very long post about the unfinished decon; cast iron pans probably cause constipation, just like iron pills do; trivial ‘superego’ conflicts between an SLI and IEI in the workplace; making fun of Asians (affectionately); and more

March 18, 2014

7:57 PM 3/17/2014

I bought some instant coffee so that I could temporarily use coffee at home without having a coffeemaker.  I don’t want a coffeemaker, because I intend to quit coffee.  So I got only a small jar of coffee, and a small bear bottle of honey.  I got honey as an alternative to sugar, because at the particular store where I was shopping, I couldn’t find any small packages of sugar.  I don’t want huge packages of sugar sitting around that I have to use up, too, because I also intend to stop using sugar.  So honey was a temporary alternative – it won’t take long to use up this small bottle.

Unfortunately, I’ve discovered that honey is disgusting.  I never noticed this before when I ate honey in the past, but, honey tastes like bee spit, and that’s what it is.  But you know how you can smell your own spit, like if you drool while you sleep, or if you are kissing someone and it’s really messy and someone’s saliva is on your face, and you can smell it when it dries.  That’s exactly what this honey tastes like.  It tastes like strongly sweetened spit.  I just cannot forget that familiar odor of dried spit while I am drinking coffee sweetened with this honey.  The instant coffee, made with warm tap water, is disgusting enough as it is without additional things making it even more disgusting.  

But hey, I’m planning to quit coffee – enjoying a great cup of coffee is not my goal.  My goal is only to temporarily soothe myself and reduce the pain of withdrawal for a short time.  

The official day, for this region, when farmers can expect no more danger of frost, is May 1st, if I recall.  My roommates want the heat turned off.  I am compromising by keeping the heat turned down very low.  I’m going to have to buy myself either a space heater or a heating pad to survive the month of April, when we will still have freezing cold days.  The heating system is set at, like, sixty degrees right now.  The fan is blowing, though, and that somehow keeps it warmer in here, it seems.  

But I remember growing up at my parents’ house, with the heat at sixty degrees inside, always freezing, with a mercury dental filling in my mouth which lowered my body temperature even more (they screw up the thyroid function or something), and I was always cold, always.  

However, it’s warm enough that I can do things with my fingers indoors, unlike at the tent.  If I were at the tent right now, it would still be so cold that I would be freezing my fingers if I tried to do anything around the tent without gloves on for long periods of time.  I would always have to get back into the sleeping bag.  Right now, I’m able to type at my computer if I want to, and that is what I will do.  I am still resting.  

I have a lot to say.  This is probably going to be an extremely long blog post.  I don’t watch television, and at the moment, I’m not playing video games, although I have one that I could play, but don’t feel like playing it, and so, in my free time, I write.

And nobody can read the enormous amounts of words that I write, not all in one sitting.  I don’t expect anyone to, but it’s possible to read through it quickly and see if anything interesting is going on, and that’s how I would read it if I were a reader.

the ephedra
the food
my ‘superbug’
the leave of absence
cast iron pans
assembly language

I’m writing down only a fraction of the topics that are on my mind right now.  I’m tired and frustrated.  I had a million tihngs I wanted to get done today, but my body wanted to crash all day long and sleep.  And I’m not sleeping well.  I’m still drinking coffee – I had bottles of Starbucks which I bought for use at TB, and I drank those today, and now I’m drinking lukewarm tapwater beespit instant coffee just to soothe myself.  So I’m not in caffeine withdrawal enough to really rest.

But that’s not the only problem.  I have drug residues.  I wasn’t done yet.

I never finished my soil decon.  And here is the inevitable review of what happened.  I moved into the tent to get away from the drug residues which were following me to every new apartment, which were also on the floor of my car.  I successfully got away from most of the residues; however, I had bags of garbage with very toxic papers and junk in them from inside the car, and in those garbage bags, there was some old rotten food, a breakfast sandwich from Sheetz or something, which was months old.  

A poor little skunk, who is probably dead from food poisoning by now (not to mention ephedra poisoning), and skunks don’t survive long anyway, not when they live near roads and highways – the poor little skunk ripped open my bags of garbage to eat the rotten old breakfast sandwich.  I came home and found it there doing that.  I was very cautious not to upset it.  It was the cutest little thing.  It got into the bags and pulled stuff out, and it tracked high-intensity ephedra residues onto the floor of the forest.  

You wouldn’t think that ephedra residues would last long on a forest floor, but they do.  Nothing causes ephedra to decay.  It’s an extremely stable molecule, with a benzene ring or something, I forget exactly.  Nothing uses ephedra as a nutrient.  Nothing needs to eat ephedra and break it down and turn it into something else.  If any bacteria or fungi pick up the ephedra molecules while they are in the process of eating real food, they probably just excrete the molecules, or keep them inside until they die, when they release the toxic molecules back onto the dirt.  I don’t know.

All I know is that the ephedra never biodegraded from the forest floor while I was there all this time, ever since the skunk ripped open those highly toxic bags of trash.  The poisons spread around all over the place.  Originally, I was walking around barefoot out there, with no fear, but after the residues got spread around the campsite area, I would step onto the soil and have an ephedra reaction and become unable to sleep.  That’s why I was having mania all this time.  I had mania from the drug residues on my shoes, and from the bike handlebars every time it rained and got the bike wet.

So I was not done with my decon.  I was going to do another major soil decon this year.  I’ve saved enough money that I could.  I’d throw away all my stuff, except stuff that’s clean, and a lot of stuff was okay, and then I’d replace it with new stuff.  

However, I was debating where I would go.  Apparently, the ephedra was tracked all over a large area.  It spread.  I suspected that it was probably down near the entrance where I put my bike, at the neighbors’ driveway, but I wasn’t sure.  I never tested it, and I was planning to test it, but that’s one of the many things I can’t do when it’s cold.  

I forget the name of the Millionaire Fastlane author, but he said that one of his biggest life decisions was the decision to move to Phoenix, because he had been in some northern state with horrible winters, and suffered severe winter depression.  I suffer from some depression too, but also, I just can’t and won’t do much of anything when it’s cold.  My arthritis, and general all-over pain, is worst when it’s cold.  

I read an article recently talking about how ‘widespread pain,’ just pain all over the body everywhere, is strongly associated with lack of sleep.  I have been attacked by soul murderers since the early 2000s, and have not slept a single night peacefully since then, so it’s been, maybe, twelve years, maybe more, maybe less, that I haven’t slept a single night without being attacked and forced awake.  

Anyway that Fastlane author said that moving down south was one of the biggest things that changed his life, and he thought everything would be different if he had stayed up north and continued wasting all his time being depressed and incapacitated for half the year every year.  I agree, this is a huge waste of time.

I was waiting for warmer weather to start testing the soil for reactions, and then I was going to choose a new spot and move to a new place for a soil decon, and also get rid of the bike handlegrips and pedals.  But I hadn’t done any of that yet.  And I moved into this place.  And guess what happened?  My boots have ephedra on them.  I’ve tracked footprints onto the floor in here.  It’s NOT SEVERE, and it’s NOTHING like it was when I was in the apartment years ago, NOTHING like that – THAT was life-ruining and deadly.  It’s much milder, but I can still detect it in tiny quantities.  

The time when it matters most is when I quit coffee.  Every time I’ve quit coffee, during this drug residue contamination all these years, I’ve been able to detect even the slightest bit of ephedra touching me when I’m totally off caffeine.  If I quit all stimulant drugs and feel totally relaxed all the time and am able to sleep better, it’s extremely noticeable when even the tiniest quantities of a horrible stimulant poison are touching my skin and forcing me to stay awake all night long even without drinking a single cup of coffee.  

I can feel my bodily functions speed up a couple minutes after I’ve touched a contaminated object.  My heartrate will be slow and relaxed, and then all of a sudden, I’ll have a heart palpitation, and my heart speeds up.  My muscles will be relaxed and comfortable, and all of a sudden, when the hit of poison penetrates my skin, my muscles involuntarily tense, and I can’t relax them.  And then I’ll lie down, and won’t fall asleep, no matter what, no matter if it’s dark, no matter how tired I am, I will never fall asleep.  It takes, maybe, five minutes for a transdermal drug to penetrate ordinary skin, so I know that I must have touched something contaminated about five minutes ago.  If it’s the thick skin on the bottom of the feet, it might be more like ten minutes to penetrate.  I read about this.  Transdermal drugs are well known to scientists, and you can read about them online.  

I had quit caffeine briefly when I moved into this place.  Then, in the middle of the night, I went out barefoot to go to the bathroom.  I came back, and then, a few minutes later, I felt the familiar horrible sensation of my body being revved up to high speed, and I became unable to sleep.  I had to wash my feet off, and now, I have to wear socks all the time indoors, and I will have to get some new socks and some slippers or indoor shoes to wear all the time.

This happened because it was all hasty and poorly planned, and it’s socially awkward.  I came to visit the apartment, and I could not take off my boots and leave them outside and then walk to the house barefoot.  I would have to leave the boots a good distance away from the door, too, and put them at some sort of recognizable boundary line so that I would know not to cross into that area.  This is how a contamination scenario works.  You have to have clearly defined boundaries where you can walk and where you can’t walk.  It’s horrible and insane, but that is the reality of a contamination scenario.  

So I walked into the apartment on the night when I first visited, with my boots on, just hoping that the contamination levels would be low and mild.  And they are, it’s not bad, but I’m keenly aware of it and I loathe it with every fiber of my soul, and so when even a single molecule of ephedra residue penetrates my skin, it is this evil, horrible anger and trauma from years and years and years ago – like the zombie movie, where no matter how many times you kill them, they come back, and they keep following you and following you, relentlessly, over and over, and every time you think they’re dead, you’re wrong, and they wake up again.  It is like being cursed, and in fact, I strongly suspect that mummy tombs might have been cursed with transdermal poisons to contaminate anybody who went into them, because transdermal herbal poisons would make an extremely effective weapon.  I’m sure they were known about in the ancient world.  ‘Sorcerers’ would have known about them.  

I could use them too, deliberately, but I am not an evil person.  Using transdermal poisons is a weapon of mass misery.  It wouldn’t necessarily kill people right away, but it would make lots of people sick, and it would spread and spread forever.  I hate the government, and I imagined before what would happen if somebody just spread some ephedra poison onto objects owned by members of government who we wanted to destroy – like, put it onto their car door handle.  If you put it onto someplace where they sit or where they walk, that’s the worst.  If they only get it on their hands, it’s not bad and it will be washed off soon.  But if it gets on a carpet, it is there forever.  

However, it will also destroy every other person around them, too, all the innocent family members and children.  I don’t feel able to judge people, not even government employees and politicians, and so I could not feel right about making them suffer.  Like I said, it’s a weapon of mass misery, and it spreads and ruins the lives of innocent people who are non-targets.  It is indeed a very effective weapon if you want to simply destroy someone’s life.  I want to destroy the system of government forever, but ruining the lives of individual politicians isn’t the way to do that.  

The entire system of government has to be completely disabled and prevented from reawakening.  That’s what the writers of the Constitution were attempting to do, but not everybody agreed about the Constitution, and there were anti-federalists even back then who did not want all the states to form a union with each other.  It wouldn’t be so bad if only the individual states were countries, because they would be smaller and less powerful.  But this huge federal government that steals money from the entire lower part of the continent of North America is too big and powerful.  

I am an anarchist, but if I have to talk about government at all and what should be done with it, I’d say I’m an anti-federalist, and I want all the states to become independent, and I want to dissolve the federal government in Washington DC forever, and make it cease to exist.  I just don’t know how exactly to do that.  It’s an extremely huge system, with its own momentum, and thousands upon thousands upon thousands of federal government employees, and millions of recipients of welfare and other handouts, whose lives would also change, lots of innocent people who got stuck being dependent on the government and now have no way to take care of themselves.  I believe in charity, and I know charity could do it easily, but you can’t transition to charity overnight by magic.  The infrastructure of charity takes time to set up.  You don’t wave a magic wand and suddenly end all government handouts today and then tomorrow morning seamlessly start up payments from charities.  

There are millions of people whose lives were destroyed by modern civilization, through no fault of their own, and now, they are helpless.  Let me give an example of a scenario.  This is a common scenario.

Ignorant, uneducated, unhealthy parents have a child.  These parents know nothing about nutrition, because modern civilization didn’t teach them anything, and the public schools didn’t teach them anything, and the television didn’t teach them anything, and the grocery stores and restaurants didn’t teach them anything.  They just can’t help it that they don’t know.  If they aren’t interested in nutrition, if they have other interests, then they would have spent their lives gathering information and knowledge about those other interests, and ignoring knowledge about health and nutrition.  That is very common.  Millions of people know nothing about nutrition.

So these parents have their children, while eating a malnourishing diet while pregnant.  The mother is taking drugs while pregnant too, because that’s how we do things nowadays.  She’s probably drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes, and taking two or three pharmaceutical drugs, blood pressure drugs, psychiatric drugs, painkillers, etc.  Because of their ignorance, they’re also unthinkingly spraying pesticides around their house, indoors and outdoors, and spraying herbicides on the lawn.  They’re using all sorts of drugs and chemicals in their bodies and around the house, in addition to eating a malnourishing diet.

The result is a deformed child.  Weston Price described the deformities.  I think tobacco is one of the primary causes of these deformities, but I believe that malnutrition during pregnancy is also an extremely important reason – those two causes work together.  

Children with deformities grow up unhealthy.  Their brains can’t fully grow inside a small, deformed skull.  Again, Weston Price wrote about this.  He actually did a test with a ‘Mongoloid’ kid who wasn’t maturing.  He used a spacer of some kind to spread the roof of the kid’s mouth wider, because a small, narrow mouth is one of the deformities (I have this deformity myself), along with misshapen sinuses and face.  The result was that the pituitary gland had more room to grow, whenever the roof of the mouth was widened, and the pituitary gland started releasing more hormones, and within a very short time, this mongoloid kid starting to sexually mature.  But the book said that it didn’t work out well, because then he began having inappropriate sexual behaviors.  But he also became more intelligent and was suddenly able to do things by himself, like ride a bus across town.  Making more room inside the skull allows the brain to enlarge and the glands to produce more hormones.  

That one little anecdote is the grain of truth in the ‘Chemical Imbalance Theory Of Mental Illness.’  I saw that phrase years ago in another blog (FSK Reality Guide) that I used to read, and I saw it again recently.  The grain of truth is that if your skull is deformed, the glands inside your brain, such as the pituitary gland, cannot make enough hormones and cannot grow properly, and so, it really is possible that you ‘can’t make enough serotonin’ or something like that – you can’t make enough of *something*, maybe, if your glands are misshapen and deformed.  I also think that the thyroid gland in the neck becomes deformed, too, because neck and jaw deformities, such as the weak chin deformity, were described by Weston Price, and the thyroid is located in the neck.  (*NOTE:  I do not believe that prescription drugs are the solution to this problem!!!*)

It’s not just bones that get deformed, it’s flesh also.  I suspect that everything in the body is narrower than it should be if you have these deformities.  I think, for instance, the arteries are too narrow.  I have ‘small veins,’ which the nurses would always tell me if I donated blood or plasma (*note:  don’t ever donate plasma!  It’s extremely harmful to your health.  You get poisoned by a blood thinner, which they put into the blood as they inject it back into you, and for some unknown reason, donating plasma causes severe and life-ruining side effects, such as damage to the digestive system, which lasts for months and months, making you too sick to eat.  I don’t know why – maybe it kills all the bacteria in your gut or something, I don’t know.  It happened to me, and it happened to other people who read my other blog ( who commented to me about their own experiences with donating plasma and becoming too sick to eat for months afterwards.*).  Anyway, I think small veins might be a deformity which goes all over your body, making you more vulnerable to heart attacks and atherosclerosis.

My dad has high blood pressure, and he told me that he suspects he might have… if I can remember… renal artery something.  Stricture, or something.  It means that in his kidneys, one of the arteries is constricted and narrow, and it causes high blood pressure.  Dad is a radiologist, so he looked at x-rays for decades, so he knows about this kind of thing.  Dad, I think, is also an alcohol baby, and I never noticed it until my recent visit, but he has a reduced philtrum – the groove that goes from the nose to the upper lips – and having a smooth philtrum is a deformity which is characteristic of alcohol babies.  Dad is really smart, a genius, so he’s a high-functioning alcohol baby, but he was probably hindered in his life by these defects.  I know for a fact that his mom was an alcoholic – she died of cirrhosis from drinking long ago, before I ever met her, so I never knew my paternal grandmother.  

So, this type of thing is the reason why preventing deformities in babies is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT.  It affects them for their entire lives, because physical deformities cannot be undone.  You can try to correct them with brute force using orthodontic braces or plastic surgery, but there are more deformities that you just can’t reach, or that would be too dangerous to attempt (like making the entire skull bigger and wider).  I’ve seen someone who had such a narrow head that he looked like his head had been squashed in a vice.  I can’t imagine how his brain is still able to function in such a misshapen skull.  Those are typical Weston Price deformities (although prescription drug use during pregnancy is causing a lot of them nowadays – see, for example, anencephaly, the baby’s almost total lack of a brain, caused by antidepressants during pregnancy).  And they are becoming worse and more common, because now people are using prescription drugs while pregnant too.  And we have heavy metals and other things, which have been around for a long time, and they’re still here, and I suspect heavy metals are involved in these deformities too.  The Weston Price devotees always strongly emphasize nutrition, and I agree with them – it’s absolutely essential – but I think toxic chemicals are very important and cause deformities too, and just using nutrition isn’t enough.  I think you could eat the best diet in the world, but if you are exposed to other chemicals, like tobacco, or heavy metals, or pesticides, or prescription drugs while pregnant, your baby will be deformed in spite of the healthy diet.

I was writing a scenario.  This deformed baby is born in an uneducated family.  She can’t read very well because she has learning disabilities.  They put her on drugs for behavior problems.  She can’t learn much on the internet if she can’t read.  So her culture can only come from the people around her locally, who are also ignorant.  (I don’t know what I’d do without the internet, even this heavily censored, NSA-controlled internet that we have now, where we can still find a few tiny fragments of truth here and there before it gets deleted.)  

So this kid grows up unable to take care of herself.  She has chronic health problems.  Random health problems that last a lifetime are partly caused by these permanent deformities of the body.  Every health problem that exists is made more likely to happen.  Your quality of life is diminished in every way.  You’re more likely to die from every cause.  Not only that, but in addition to her deformities, she also has her ignorance, her bad habits, her drugs, her malnutrition, her bad culture, her toxic chemicals, and so on, for a lifetime.

There are millions of people who fit this description, and many of them become unable to take care of themselves.  They’re too sick to work.  Some of them become severely obese, which again, isn’t their fault.  The combination of deformities, drugs, poisons, ignorance, malnutrition, bad culture, and so on, causes people to become obese, and obesity is *extremely* resistant to change.  Just because it’s possible to lose one or two pounds by means of dieting doesn’t mean that it’s possible to lose a hundred pounds or two hundred pounds forever and keep it off.  Adipose tissue probably has deformities too.  Just because it’s a soft tissue, and just because it changes visibly in response to food over a short period of time, doesn’t mean that it’s infinitely flexible or that we have total control over it.  Adipose tissue is a living tissue that serves a purpose and performs bodily functions and produces hormones and other chemicals that are used all over the body.  It is an underappreciated and misunderstood tissue.  ‘Adipose tissue deformities’ would be a much better way to describe obesity.  

Millions of those deformed, chronically ill people exist, and many of them are now dependent on the government.  If they suddenly quit their drugs, they go into withdrawal, and withdrawal is deadly.  If you suddenly quit taking blood pressure drugs, for example, you will have HEART ATTACKS.  Heart attacks are a withdrawal effect, not a ‘relapse to your original condition.’  I know this from personal experience, as I myself would always get heart attack symptoms after visiting Peter, who used blood pressure drugs, and I would ingest secondhand drugs from him, through physically touching his skin, kissing him, etc, and touching objects in their kitchen and on the countertop which were contaminated with his insulin and other drugs.  I would go into withdrawal from his blood pressure drugs within 24 hours, and I’d be having a heart attack.  Fortunately, it was not severe, but I could clearly feel the symptoms of heart attacks, over and over again, when I would visit Peter and then go home and go into withdrawal afterwards.  

However, ‘secondhand drugs’ are taboo and unknown to the mainstream society.  I have never seen any other blog author writing about this subject, on the entire internet, although I have never made an effort to go out and find them, and if I were really looking, I’d have to read all other languages besides English, too.

So, that huge tangent was just a scenario where some person suffers from chronic health problems and is handicapped for life, and it started with pregnancy, with toxic chemicals, drugs, malnutrition, ignorance, and bad culture.  It’s not their fault that they are chronically ill or obese or deformed.  And they often end up on government handouts when they are unable to take care of themselves due to physical illness or mental illness or other disabilities.

That all got started because I was talking about my desire to shut down the federal government and end it forever.  I don’t know how to do that, logistically.  I don’t know how to switch all these people to charity.  

Well, I had other things on that list of stuff to talk about.  Endless talking is another sign of mania, and I know I’m manic because I’ve had other symptoms, such as a permanent smirk on my face (although it’s not bad now), and being friendlier and more cheerful at work – all of a sudden, I’m able to get along with my Beta coworkers at TB.  There’s a Beta clique of several people – an LSI and two IEIs – and I often work with them.  We had a stressful incident last night.  We got really busy, probably because the students were coming back from spring break, so thousands of people were traveling and coming into town.  There were only a few of us there closing last night, and we were *slammed*.  

I was working with the Beta clique.  Normally, it’s okay as long as nobody is stressed about anything.  But this one particular guy, this one IEI, sometimes pushes my buttons and *really* makes me angry, and it happened again last night.  I don’t get angry very often, but IEIs in the workplace conflict with me over particular things, just a few specific trivial little things, and no matter how trivial they really are, these things get blown up to huge proportions and become a major big conflict.  Both of the IEIs there at TB ‘push my buttons’ about these particular things, and it’s almost always about just a couple specific topics where we disagree:  germs, tools, how routine activities are to be done, and whether or not it’s life-or-death-important to follow the Official TB Rules about how to do every little procedure.  

You’ll see how trivial this is as soon as I tell the story.  I’m guessing this is probably a typical conflict between socionic superego types, some small trivial thing that gets blown up into a huge angry argument which cannot be reconciled (this description is what I have read about superego relations, and it’s accurate in my experience).  We were being slammed.  I was at the end of the table putting food into bags and also grilling stuff on the grill.  When I was grilling, I set the spatula into a place where it wasn’t ‘officially’ supposed to be set, on part of the table, instead of hooking it back into the slots on the grill where it’s supposed to go.  It’s hard to describe, and it doesn’t matter, but I just put it into this place where we have a scale where you’re supposed to weigh the food (no one ever does).

The IEI guy once told me, weeks ago, that when I put the spatula there, I was putting it onto a germ-covered surface that was hardly ever cleaned or wiped off.  To me, this seemed like an irrational germ phobia.  I have a different understanding of how germs work, where germs live and thrive, which germs are more likely to be dangerous versus which germs are likely to be harmless, and so on.  I believe that I have a much better understanding of how germs work than he does, not to mention I’m a good bit older than he is, too.  Deadly germs are not breeding on the metal surface of the scale or the stainless steel table where I am setting down this spatula!  But since I’m not an ‘authority figure,’ I can’t prove it, I can only insist that there are no deadly germs in that location, and that he’s being petty and irrational and germ-phobic by worrying about what that spatula is touching, in that particular location.  No, I’m not throwing the spatula on the floor and picking it up without washing it.  No, I’m not wiping my ass with the spatula.  I’m putting it down ON A STAINLESS STEEL TABLE where it touches against a steel surface and a metal scale that has a sort of paper covering with words written on it.  

So last night, the ‘Don’t put the spatula there’ incident happened again.  We were being slammed.  I was in my little position, my own little space, at the end of the table, bagging food and grilling food.  But for one brief moment, the IEI guy had to come down and use the grill, JUST ONCE, and he entered my workspace.  He entered my workspace, he moved out of his own workspace and into my space while we were being slammed, and then he told me ‘The spatula is supposed to go up here on the grill.’

Instant button-pushing!  Suddenly I was flooded with intense rage.  I never get this angry.  It really was like he knew exactly which button to push to make me furiously angry at the worst possible moment when we were helpless and busy and overwhelmed with orders.  (I’m not saying he made me angry deliberately, that’s not what I mean by ‘button-pushing.’)  I don’t put the spatula into those little slots on the grill because it is slow and awkward and I have to turn my wrist in an unnatural, un-ergonomic position to do it, and I have to do this over and over again, every time I use the spatula, which is the reason why I set it down on the table instead.  Putting it where it’s ‘supposed’ to go slows me down and strains my wrist.  It is not an ergonomically designed workspace.  But this is a socionic function, the awareness of physical movements and discomfort and where physical objects are located and where to position the tools so they are the least uncomfortable and most efficient to use.  Not only did he enter a workspace I was using, briefly, and you don’t go into someone else’s workspace and tell them how to do their job – not only that, but also, there are no germs there, and it’s un-ergonomic to hook the spatula up where it’s supposed to go when you’re using it dozens of times, and it slows me down.  He needs to just get used to the fact that I sometimes set the spatula down next to the grill instead of in its little slots, if he happens to enter my workspace while I am using it while we are busy.  If he looks at the place where it’s ‘supposed to be,’ and it’s not there, he needs to just look down at the table where I usually put it, and he needs to just get used to doing it that way.

So I became angry, and the anger silently lingered for many minutes while we continued to be slammed.  Then, we have another un-ergonomic and inefficient procedure at TB:  we have to pick up a grease crayon – I forget what those are called – and write on the piece of paper, the wrapper of the food, something to indicate that this item is special – for instance, a taco with no tomatoes or no cheese.  I have this mental logic for which items I write on, and which items I don’t write on, because picking up the grease pencil and writing on a piece of paper, on a delicate and fragile taco that crumbles when you press down on it with a pencil, or a wet and squishy burrito which is already leaking through the thin paper, is not easy to do, and I’d rather do it as infrequently as possible.  So I use logic to eliminate as many items as possible.  

Which items require an explanation, and which ones don’t?  My logic is hard to explain verbally, but I’ll give the example of what happened last night, if I recall.  There were, say, two burritos that had no sour cream on them, and a third burrito that had no cheese.  I’m making up this example, because I can’t remember exactly what happened.  If I wanted to write on the fewest number of items, I would just write ‘-C’ on the one that had no cheese, and leave the other two blank.  If someone sees ‘-C’ and knows that this one item is different from the other two, they can use logic to deduce that the other two burritos are the ones that don’t have sour cream.  If you order three burritos, and one of them has no cheese, and the other two have no sour cream, then you can figure out which ones are which if you only know the one that has no cheese.  Obviously (to me!!!), it’s only necessarily to show them which one has no cheese, and they’ll figure out the rest on their own.

But no!  Every single item must be painstakingly labeled!  No matter how slammed we are and no matter how much of a hurry we’re in and no matter how few employees are there trying to do so many things at once!  I was about to put these burritos (or whatever they were) into a bag, when he grabbed the grease pen again and started labeling the other two ‘-S’ or something to indicate that they were no sour cream.  Do the customers even understand these labels anyway?  It’s hard to see them, we’re in a hurry, and I think people usually just unwrap the food and say, ‘Okay, this is the one without sour cream’ after looking at it!

‘I only label the one that’s different,’ I said coldly in a monotone, furious, and then kept on furiously working as fast as I could after the delay of a couple seconds while he meticulously and unnecessarily labeled each item.

Shortly after that, the IEI store manager decided it was time to remove me from the table.  We were slowing down a bit anyway, so they would be okay without me.  I think he detected the anger boiling underneath everybody at that end of the table, and he might have overheard one or two of our angry comments sniping at each other.  Whatever the reason, he sent me off to do dishes, which I was only too glad to do.  I actually enjoy doing dishes.  I relished the peace and quiet and the slow pace while they continued making the food without me, and we were slowing down enough that I wasn’t really needed on the table anymore.  

The LSI manager (not the store manager, but a lower manager) was angrily throwing things around, kicking objects across the floor, making loud noises, and threatening to walk out.  The IEI coworker was also being irritable along with him.  The IEI store manager was still pretty calm, but seemed a bit nervous.  I isolated myself and did the dishes while they all continued fuming and banging things and griping.  The LSI manager came back to the sink and loudly slammed some dishes onto the sink, then came back again and loudly kicked a metal thing across the floor.  I was the only one silently and quietly going back to work without expressing my anger, and this is a socionic thing – it takes a LOT to make me express my feelings out loud.  Everyone was irritated about being hopelessly slammed while we had only a couple people working at all the stations.  The store manager had been answering drive-thru orders on headset, AND taking orders at the front counter, and then the LSI, the IEI, and I were making the food, and that’s all the employees we had.  It sucked.

But we got through it, and, as I was saying, my drug residue reactions affected my moods and behavior.  My socks have drug residues on them now, and I need to get that fixed, but for the time being, I’m still manic.  So I was still giggly and friendly later on.  After the rush was over, we were all cleaning up and closing the store.  The IEI coworker who I had been sniping with earlier made me laugh out loud when he used the trash-picker-upper, the little plastic grabby thing that you use to pick up trash off the ground without bending over, or pick up items from a high shelf, to grab the brim of my hat unexpectedly, without even cracking a smile.  He often makes me laugh out loud, but I’m even more giggly and silly when I’m manic, and I was manic last night, so I giggled like a little girl.  We smoothed it over as best we could, the way we usually do – fortunately, it wasn’t as bad as the time when we spent hours and hours avoiding each other and not looking at or speaking to each other after we argued about something.

I’m totally being a hypocrite about this spatula thing, too.  I understand that he gets confused and can’t find the spatula if it isn’t where he expects it to be, but I want him to just get used to that and learn to look at the table next to the grill.  But at McD, it pisses me off whenever people are cooking on the grill and they set down the spatula in unexpected places, leaving it in a disgusting pool of grease.  I don’t go tell them not to do it, though.  I just pick it up and put it where I think it belongs.  

But for some reason, at TB, it seems different.  At TB, the spatula isn’t greasy, it isn’t sitting in a pool of grease on the table that you will have to wipe up later, and the position you have to put it in is even more uncomfortable and awkward than the thing you have to put it in at McD.  So it seems understandable to not care about putting it into the grill slot at TB.

The little container you put it in at McD is easy to reach, and you can just toss it in there.  It’s badly designed – we used to have a GOOD spatula holder, but for some reason, they bought us this horribly badly designed one that is not ergonomic and not functional, with slots that are vertical and hard to reach.  So hardly anyone takes the trouble of turning the spatulas vertical and carefully inserting them into the narrow vertical slots.  It’s one of those insane, stupid business decisions that McD has been making lately, just like our horrible computer system.  

They also bought us this label maker that was $800, but which wouldn’t work from the first day we bought it, and no one has ever had it replaced.  It has this huge, bulky Windows operating system, when IT’S A FUCKING LABEL MAKER FOR FUCK’S SAKE.  The labels that came with it don’t work, and they cause the printer to malfunction, so that it gives this error message over and over again saying that it detected the spacer where it wasn’t expected, or something, I forget.  It’s a piece of shit, which is becoming typical of all McD equipment.

But anyway, in spite of all that, the spatula holder is easy to reach, and even if you just throw spatulas in there sideways without inserting them into the inconvenient, badly designed vertical slots, it’s better than throwing it onto a table or something.  There’s not much space there to put the spatula anywhere else except in the holder, but it can sometimes end up in random places if you have a really scatterbrained cook.  It was even easier when we had the old spatula holder that allowed you to set the spatulas and squeegees in a more comfortable position that could be done quickly.  Why, McD, why?  Why must you and your suppliers redesign our equipment and tools while smoking crack?  Why?  Y u no stop smoking crack while making business decisions?

I told you this was going to be a book-length blog.  I wasn’t kidding.  

Why was I even talking about fighting with the IEI at work?  I had to reread – it was because I was saying I have mania right now, so I was giggly.  I actually got my work done more quickly than usual while doing the dishes, because my brain magically works better when I’m exposed to tiny amounts of drug residues.  I wash dishes differently when I’m on drugs than I do when I’m off drugs.  I make better decisions on drugs.  Even so, the side effects of these drugs are so undesirable that I refuse to use them in spite of the benefits.  I tried using drugs many years ago and the side effects were so much worse than the benefits that it’s not worth doing.  It just cannot be done.  I’d rather be able to sleep at night, if it’s ephedra or tobacco or other stimulants, and I’d rather be able to STOP sleeping constantly, if it’s an antidepressant like St. John’s Wort, which also causes weight gain.  SJW made me sleep all the time, which was why I wanted hardcore stimulants like ephedra, which is why I went down that pathway.  I had severe fatigue from using SJW, so I wanted to compensate with the strongest stimulant drug available.  And my life was thereby ruined.

So I still need to do a ‘soil decon,’ which is now a ‘floor decon,’ if I quit caffeine.  I’m going to quit caffeine, and I’ll detect every individual molecule of ephedra entering my skin.  The end result is that I must leave this apartment, sadly, even though it’s only $280 a month, and under normal circumstances, without an ephedra outbreak, I’d never leave.  And I’m sorry, but I can’t help the roommates, if they start noticing that they can’t sleep at night.  I have ruined several other apartments and I just can’t think about the people who live there now – there is nothing I can do.  And I used the laundromat with extremely toxic clothes, before I figured out that the only solution is to throw the clothes in the garbage.  So people who used the laundromat after me were cursed forever, and there is nothing I can do to help them.  I just have to abandon and forget people and let them survive on their own, because I can’t save the world, and I can’t even save myself.  The level of ephedra is very low and mild, and it’s only detectable to someone who knows what it is, recognizes the sensation, and desperately wants to escape from ephedra contamination forever.  They probably won’t even notice.  

I started one experiment which I could only do with Food Preparation Infrastructure, which requires either a real house with a fridge, or a primitive hut with dried meats and gathered plant foods stored at room temperature.  I have now tested a Cast Iron Frying Pan, which I have wanted to do for years.  The result of the test?  I strongly suspect that these pans cause constipation, the same way iron pills do!

I first read about cast iron pans in nutrition class in college.  I really loved that class.  I learned all the mainstream nutritional beliefs, and actually, a lot of the mainstream beliefs, in the scientific world, are compatible with the alternative beliefs today.  Doctors will sometimes say, ‘No, no, we never told people X, that’s bad,’ when actually, doctors *were* telling people X, in mainstream books decades ago.  I had an incident recently where I read that, but I can’t remember exactly what it was.  Some doctor on the internet was saying that mainstream science never told people X, but I clearly remember that they did, because I’m old enough.  I wish I could remember what this was.  It was something very specific, some fact that the popular press wants to deny.  I can give a fake example, but it won’t be exactly the same as what really happened.  It was something like this:  ‘No, no, mainstream nutrition NEVER told people that small amounts of saturated fat are a necessary nutrient.  Wherever would you get such a crazy idea?’  That’s not what the guy really said, since my memory is failing me, but it’s very similar to that.  I remember reading in my nutrition book years and years ago, decades ago, in college, in a mainstream nutrition class, that saturated fat was a necessary nutrient, that vegetarian diets were extremely difficult and it was almost impossible to get all the needed nutrients from them, that polyunsaturated oils would go rancid and give you free radicals and arthritis and even maybe cancer, and all of this was in my mainstream nutrition class decades ago.  Nowadays, people are fighting a battle to get some of these facts recognized by the popular press with its ever-changing diet fads.  

Anyway, cast iron pans were also mentioned in my mainstream nutrition book decades ago.  They said cast iron pans could contribute to your iron intake, especially if you cooked acidic foods like tomatoes in them.  They showed beautiful pictures of food in this book, which was why I loved the book so much, and memorized as much of it as I could, and I loved the nutrition teacher as well, but can’t remember her name.  Mrs. Kefler or something like that.  Mrs. Kemble.  I don’t know.  They showed a beautiful photo of a cast iron pan filled with a mixture of ground beef and tomatoes and other vegetables.  It looked delicious, and that’s exactly the type of thing I like to cook.  The book said that such a meal was a very effective way to maximize iron intake.  You got ‘heme iron,’ iron from animal blood, from the meat, and you got ‘nonheme iron,’ mineral iron, from the cast iron pan as a supplement, and the acidic tomatoes helped dissolve more of the mineral iron and pull it out of the cast iron pan.  And if I recall, the vitamin C from the tomatoes was supposed to protect the iron from oxidizing, so you would be able to absorb it.

Well, all these years, I remembered that photo and those facts from that book that I loved in college in nutrition class.  I have thought about trying cast iron pans for years now, but I wasn’t cooking at home all this time.  I’ve tried aluminum pans, but now I refuse to use aluminum.  I don’t remember noticing any particular symptoms from aluminum, I just don’t want to use anything that will accumulate in my brain and make me stupid and make me develop Alzheimer’s.  I also don’t want to use pans that contain lead, so I am cautious about using any kind of clay pans, ceramic pans, whatever they are called.  I thought ceramic cookware was a good alternative, but I’ve learned that some of them contain lead, and some don’t, and it’s very hard to find out which ones don’t contain lead, and even if they don’t have lead in them, they might still have other substances, because ceramic clay is a mixed substance with many different chemicals added to it, and some of them might be almost as bad as lead, but ‘lead’ is the only thing people focus on.  I don’t want to use Teflon pans.  I used Teflon pans in the past, and I clearly remember an incident where I merely *sprayed hot water* onto a brand new Teflon pan that I had purchased, and it released enough fumes to give me a headache and make me feel dizzy merely from being gently warmed up by hot water in the sink.  

Stainless steel is probably the safest thing out of all the pans, and glass is good too.  Primitive people would have used hot rocks, or clay pots made from local clay without weird chemicals and lead-filled glazes, but even ordinary soil sometimes contains minerals that can be dangerous, and it varies by location.  Anyway, after trying this cast iron pan, I think I will go looking for 1. stainless steel, and 2. Pyrex glass.  My cousin (I think she’s an IEI….., which raises questions about family heredity of personality types, which I was thinking about this morning – how did my probably-SLI father come from parents who also generated my Aunt Jean, Dad’s sister, who might possibly be an SEI or IEI and who married a SLE and who might be in a relationship with a SLE right now?  How will I love my children if they have random unexpected personality types even when I marry my dual and try to produce a compatible Delta family?  How are personality types determined?) might be giving me a crock pot, and I don’t know what type of chemicals are in there, but I might try it.  I thought in the past that enamel-covered pans might be good, but I’m not sure, I think something leaches through the enamel, with, for instance, aluminum pans covered with enamel.  You can get those for hiking and backpacking, and I’m not certain they’re safe.  I don’t know.   

I thought cast iron pans would be worth a try.  So I bought one last week, as I was moving into this apartment during my roommates’ spring break.  I cooked a sort of paleo/Weston Price meal in it.  My diet is a combination of many diets – it’s inspired by the Feingold diet, with no artificial colors or flavors, and with the knowledge of vegetables and fruits that contain salicylates and other substances, and also the Weston Price diet, and the paleo diet.  I made this meal of ground lamb (free-range, organic) from Wegmans.  It contained saturated fat.  I also cooked broccoli, arugula, onions, and mushrooms in coconut oil.  I mixed these things together into the other pan, a steel pan, after I actually cooked them in the cast iron pan.  I’ve been cooking in that pan over and over again, so the second saucepan thing was just holding food in it – I bought two pans.  It doesn’t matter, basically one was steel and one was iron.  

I have been eating that same meal all week long, a little each day, now that the refrigerator is cold enough to actually prevent food from spoiling – and I’m keeping my thermometer in there in case my crazy Asian roommates get any ideas about turning down the fridge to save money or something, the way they’re doing with the thermostat.  I suspect they might have turned down the fridge setting because they were away on spring break, just as the roommate who I’m subletting for told me that the heat was turned down because they were out of the house during vacation.  But I’m scared that maybe keeping the fridge too warm is a permanent way of doing things, which might cause conflict.

(Note:  there has been a ‘running joke’ in my mind, which is partly coming from ‘the voices’ and not from myself, about Asians.  Basically, the joke is, anything that they do is ‘Because They’re Asian.’  They could do something perfectly ordinary that any person might do, but they’re doing it because they’re Asian.  It’s a joke, and I wouldn’t say that out loud in real life.  There are some things that they really are doing because they’re Asian – cooking lots of rice, lots of dried hot peppers, lots of Asian spices, buying products that have Chinese writing on the wrappers and boxes, leaving wads of smooth long black hairs in the dust bunnies in the corners on the bathroom floor, talking on the phone in a language I don’t understand, and so on.  Those things really are because they’re Asian.  Asian dust bunnies really are different from Caucasian ones.  But the joke is that they do other random things because they’re Asian – Asians turn the heat down all the way when it’s freezing, Asians don’t keep the refrigerator cold enough, and so on.  In reality, ANY roommates could do some of those things, and I learned in college that other people’s daily habits are always weird and unexpected and often annoying to people who grew up doing things differently, regardless of their race or ethnic group.)

Their language is beautiful.  I was lying in bed and my roommate said something on the phone or maybe to the other roommate, I forget.  She was talking on the phone at one point, with slurred-sounding words, a sludgy *sh* consonant occurring again and again – schi schu schi do do go – something I can’t remember – it played itself over and over in my mind, the musical tones of it, the melody – if she had a compatible personality type, if she were another SLI like myself, I would copy her, I would emulate her, I would make her my role model, I would talk the way she talked, I would copy her accent, I would express emotions the way she did, I would copy her slang phrases, I would sing the same speech melody.  

If she spoke to me, if language learning in adults was treated the same way it was done with children, then she would tolerate my baby talk without thinking I was crazy, without judging me, as I, the adult, followed her around making strange sounds and trying to copy her speech.  It would be socially awkward unless our culture understood that this is the way people were meant to learn language, through baby talk, not by memorizing words out of a book.  You’re supposed to try to copy the sounds without knowing what they mean.  Then the adult responds to you if you get it right, and they say the sound again, and you respond, and they vary their response, and you don’t know what it means.  You have no understanding, but you learn the music, the physical production of sounds and melodies.  You learn the music, not the meaning.  That is how it’s supposed to be.  I want to learn by immersion, I want to learn by baby talk.  I want them to understand that I’m not stupid or crazy when I make sounds that are weird and wrong and meaningless, when I babble.  If I hear them enough, if I practice them, they’ll be incorporated into my glossolalia forever.  

I’m tracing back my tangents.  I was talking about eating the same meal all week.  My food isn’t spoiling.  I suspect that, in the past, in other apartments, I had my fridge turned down too low, so the food was warm, because I remember a time when food was spoiling in my fridge and I didn’t know why.  That might have been the time when my fridge was broken and the coolant wasn’t working anymore.  But now I know, and I have a thermometer – I don’t have to just guess.

I ate that meal all week long.  It prevented me from wasting so much money at restaurants.  If I continue eating grocery store food, I will save a huge amount of money.  I will also save money by not going to the hotel, which was more expensive than paying $280 a month in rent here to live in this living room with a curtain over the door with Chinese roommates.  

But I had been having horrible diarrhea on and off for weeks during my horrible cold, my ‘superbug’ as ‘the voices’ called it today.  I had a superbug, some kind of, who knows, MRSA cold or something.  I was having lots of diarrhea, and then, as soon as I started eating the food from this cast iron pan, it suddenly went to the exact polar opposite, and suddenly, I was getting constipated… oh no, I thought – my worst fear was true, you really do ingest enough metallic mineral iron leaching from the pan itself to give you constipation.  Iron pills cause *horrible* constipation, and I know that from experience too.  But now I know, cast iron pans do too.  It’s not as severe as you get from taking an iron pill, but it’s noticeable, especially when you switch from weeks and weeks of diarrhea suddenly changing overnight to constipation the moment that you start eating foods cooked in a cast iron pan.  The constipation continued even when I drank lots and lots of coffee – normally, constipation happens if you quit coffee, as your intestines gradually adjust, and in a couple days, you will be back to normal, but your intestines will move more slowly.  

I was reading something online which was an excellent article, and I don’t have a link to it.  It described the way that some foods, opioid proteins, cause constipation by anesthetizing the intestine.  It actually puts your intestines to sleep so that they aren’t moving enough.  It isn’t caused by ‘lack of water’ or other things that doctors tell you cause constipation.  In the past week when this was happening to me, I could actually feel the intestine being sort of numb and unable to move.  

So, the cast iron pan experiment was a failure.  I’m going to test it a few more times to be sure, though, but I’m pretty sure that it does give you enough of a dose of mineral iron to cause constipation, which means it’s poisoning you, because I have no desire to ingest mineral iron right now unless it happens in small quantities by accident.  I don’t want to routinely ingest it with every meal.  As far as I know, I don’t have anemia and have never had any problems with not getting enough iron.  I eat plenty of meat.

But in general, I am very happy to be eating home cooked food and having a fridge and not eating out at restaurants.  It was a paleo-like mix of ground lamb and non-starchy vegetables and leafy greens and saturated fats.  Paleolithic people wouldn’t have imported coconut oil from thousands of miles away, but that’s okay.  (They did actually do long-distance trade, though, a surprising amount of it.)

I have been having an intense desire to take time off work.  But I’m sure I’ll waste all my money quickly if I do.  I’ll want to do a decon, which is expensive.  If I forego the decon, I wouldn’t spend much money.  I’ll be paying the electric bill for sure, since I’m the one who cranks up the heat (I’ll be getting myself a heating pad or space heater, and I need to do a shopping trip, but I was too tired to go out today…).  I was just so tired.  I’m so sick of drinking coffee.  I’m sick of failing to progress.  I’m sick of being stuck on a plateau.  I’m sick of not being able to study and learn things, to learn hobbies, to learn skills, to learn knowledge, to get a better job, to become an entrepreneur, or to go another path and become a self-reliant hunter-gatherer – anything but this, anything but this low-wage job, two jobs, being exhausted all the time.  I don’t want to work 8-to-5, though, and I like my flexible schedule, so I’ll continue doing these jobs for now.  

I’m sick of working at a job that doesn’t let me carry a child.  It’s time to get ready for pregnancy, now.  I want to do the dental fillings project NOW, and I want to get on the special diet now.  I want to quit coffee.  I’m sick of postponing pregnancy and losing all my children because of this culture that ruins everybody’s lives.  I will need some way of providing for myself, either alone or with the help of a husband, and I must carry my child at all times and never let the child out of my sight.  I will not leave it with a babysitter or put it in daycare.  

During my residue-induced mania, I once again felt motivated to start reading my online book about assembly language, ‘The Art of Assembly Language.’  I made a lot of progress reading, when I had only skimmed the first part of the book before.  I’d like to continue that.  I want to continue *some* kind of learning project.  If I had all my free time, I’d homeschool myself.  I was studying bookkeeping years ago, and I loved learning that.  I love learning in general.  I love learning anything at all, and I want to keep learning and learning, but don’t have time, and am always tired.  Adults don’t quit learning because of brain changes or something, they quit learning because they have no free time and get stuck in a routine.  

Also probably because of my mania, I felt the desire to comb out my dreadlocks.  I worked on that this morning, because I was so tired I couldn’t go out shopping or do any of the errands I wanted to do, not even anything so simple as a phone call.  There will be no noticeable changes in my dreadlocks for a very long time – I am only combing out the very tip of only one of the locks.  If I combed all of them out, it would take many months, maybe six months, maybe even longer.  That seems like a horribly long time to anybody else, but I am patient, because I am aware that if I chop off my dreadlocks, it will take an entire decade to grow hip-length hair again.  I have hip-length hair now.  It’s just buried inside these locks, looped over and over inside itself, so the hair is shortened into thick mats that are barely longer than shoulder length.  Now it’s all joined into one huge mat.  It will take an extremely long time to comb out, yes, maybe six months of gradual combing – but that’s nothing compared to a decade of regrowing it from the roots.

So I sat and rested, while I could not fall asleep again, but was too tired to go anywhere, and it was freezing outside.  I need to do so many things, so much work, in so little time.  And this weekend will be horrible – I am working a lot of hours at both jobs, and have an unusual schedule where I go to both jobs every day for four days in a row.  Normally I don’t work at TB in the morning, but I’m available for it.  This week, they actually scheduled me for those mornings.  It’s going to be horrible.  It will be a miracle if I go to all my jobs without calling off sick once.  Or I will go crazy and declare officially that I’m taking a leave of absence.

I just haven’t decided how long the leave of absence will be.  With my new lifestyle, how much money will I spend?  The rent is cheap, but if I need to buy new tools and supplies, such as shoes and socks for decon, and a space heater, and other unexpected things – I’m eating out of paper bowls with plastic forks for now, and that’s what I’ll keep doing – but what else do I need to buy?  How much will my food cost when I’m not going to restaurants daily?  How much will the electric bill cost?  Sure, I’ve turned up the heat a couple times, but I’m not the only one using lots of electricity – it turns out that Asians like to do lots and lots and lots of laundry the very instant that they get back from their spring breaks.  So the laundry has been running all day long.  I can’t imagine doing chores the instant I walked in the door after a vacation and having jet lag from flying from China (although the one girl went on a cruise and didn’t go to China, but the roommate who I’m subletting for did say she herself was flying back to China for the break! but she’s not the one doing all the laundry today).  Okay, so I can’t assume that this laundry-doing girl just flew back from China and is doing laundry all day long with jet lag.  I don’t know which one is doing the laundry – well, it’s the one with the 1970s bowl haircut, actually, but, I think, yes, she’s the one who went on a cruise in the Gulf of Mexico somewhere or something.  

Both of their names begin with X.  I’m not sure how to pronounce the Chinese X, so I’m doing sort of a combination of the letter J, Ch, Sh, Zh, G, and Y, all mixed together in a slurry sludge.  That’s probably the same consonant that I heard her using a lot when she was talking on the phone.  One of them is named Xengchao or something like that, and the other one is named Xiao or Xuan or something, something female – Xuan might be ‘John.’  I forget.  I have them written down, in my tracfone contacts.  This consonant is sort of like bubbling your spit against the back side walls of your cheeks and trying not to let it spray out of your mouth.  

But the one girl told me her name was ‘See-Nee,’ on the night when I visited the apartment for the first time, and I tried to copy her and I said ‘See-Nee’ the same way she did, but the other girl said it again, and again, and said, ‘See-Nee – like, Australia?’  Oh – Sydney.  Okay.  But the name that the one girl wrote down for me was the Xengchao name, not Sydney, and I don’t WANT to call her an American name like Sydney, I want to learn how to say her beautiful, amazing Chinese name, and I want to say it exactly the right way, with all the sounds properly pronounced.  I want to say Xengchao or whatever it is, and I want to say it so perfectly that you can’t tell that I’m not Chinese.  

China – the center of the world, to some people.  Americans are so narrow-minded.  

Cancer:  the last thing on my list of topics.  I want to buy a juicer and start juicing vegetables.  Based on past experience, I know this will be more difficult than it sounds.  I will either have difficulty swallowing the vegetable juice, or it will cause side effects, since plants contain toxins, or it will make my cavities worse.  I already had a cavity incident a couple days ago, probably because I’ve been eating mangos.  Mangos cause rapid and severe tooth decay, if you already have open cavities.  You will notice pieces of the enamel crumbling off, within a couple days of eating mangos.  I also drank a two-liter of Pepsi shortly before that happened, but in my experience, even drinking soda doesn’t do as much damage to my teeth as whole fruits do.  Yet another experience that goes against mainstream knowledge.  Feingold diet – fruits and vegetables contain toxic substances that some people can’t metabolize.  Weston Price – eating fats and meats was associated with good teeth, and the less fruit they ate, the better their teeth were.  My experience:  rapid and severe cavity development during times when I am eating whole fruits.  I also noticed it when I was drinking milk, and that includes raw milk!  So, I’ve violated the Weston Price devotees’ knowledge now too – I suspect that drinking milk can cause cavities.  But I’m not certain, and I haven’t tested this thoroughly yet.  

But I will try juicing.  Juicing is one of the easiest alternative cancer treatments.  I’ll try the juicing recipes for cancer and find out which ones are edible enough, and then I’ll share them with anyone who wants them.  Then I’ll try other things such as the Budwig protocol, which is a little harder.  If I can prepare some Budwig formulas, and if I find out they’re drinkable/edible, then I’ll share them with anyone who wants them, too.  I’ll try a few cancer treatments.  There are lots of them out there.  

I think that’s it for now.  And I’m at home and can’t go online to post this blog.  

8:46 AM 3/18/2014

I felt miserable when I woke up.  It’s all cloudy and cold outside, although it’s above freezing.  But I drank a cup of lukewarm bee-spit coffee.  And I decided, for whatever reason, to take out my trash.  I had tons of garbage in my room.  That evolved into a huge project of cleaning up all the little styrofoam ‘peanuts’ that had been scattered by the winds out on the front lawn, so there were dozens and dozens of them underneath all the bushes.  They came from some packaging, in a box, and there were boxes still sitting out on our front porch.  I picked up as much trash as I could.  This meant that I was lying on the dirt, crawling under pine bushes, risking my eyeballs because of all the sharp pokey sticks, and rummaging around to pick out peanuts in places where black widows might hide.  I cut myself several times and now have scratches all over my hands.

But it made me feel so good to do this.  I was *happy* cleaning up the trash out around the front of the house.  Yes, I get happy easily when I’m affected by drug residues and coffee, I know.  But even so, I was happier than I had felt when I was indoors lying in bed trying, and failing, to go back to sleep.  It’s cloudy and depressing outside, but even so, just being out there made me feel good.  I’m not done with the outdoors yet.  I still have a lot of work to do out there in the world.

He’s still being nice to me. :)

March 14, 2014

I’m not getting to see him or talk to him as often as I would like, but even so, when we do talk or see each other, he’s still being nice to me.  I texted him tonight using my new tracfone, the one I got to give or lend to him because he said he washed his phone in the washer.  (He didn’t need the phone – he got himself a new one.) He called me, in response to my text message, but I was at work and didn’t know he called.  I called him back.  He’s driving somewhere.  So I didn’t get to talk to him right away because he’s in the car, but he was nice to me – that was all that mattered to me at that moment.  When I go too long without talking to him, I start becoming convinced that I am rejected forever, and it always surprises me when he’s friendly to me again.  I’ll probably still be saying the same thing when I’m ninety years old – ‘He’s still being nice to me.’

Sudden freeze, and I didn’t get to go grocery shopping

March 12, 2014

10:12 PM 3/12/2014

I was about to stop at McClanahan’s store in town to pick up some groceries, but it’s closed.  I think it might be closed earlier because of spring break, but I’m not sure.  It doesn’t have a sign anywhere saying what time it normally closes.  

It rained earlier, and now it’s bitter cold and snowing a little bit, just flurries.  My bike froze, and I’m going to take it in the house.  I almost couldn’t unlock the bike lock because it was frozen, which would have meant that I had to leave my bike there for a couple days until it thawed.  I just won’t lock it anymore until it’s thawed out.  After I unlocked it, I could hardly pull the key out of the lock.  One of my bike brakes is frozen, and the gearshifts are frozen.  They worked fine during cold weather; it just happened because it rained and got wet, then suddenly froze afterwards.

I am waiting to ride the bus home.  I wanted to get some more groceries; however, as I said, the store is closed, and the bike isn’t working well enough to ride it safely, and I don’t have all my layers of clothing on, although most of them are in my backpack; I will just go straight home and I might even order some food for delivery.  I’m hungry, I just hesitate to go anywhere.  I might try to stop at Weis though, if the bus goes past there.  The route changed, and it doesn’t really go by Weis directly anymore, but it does go kind of close to there.  It’s the Westerly Parkway Weis.  

I’m worried about someone else’s cancer now.  I’ve been hearing stories of all different people having cancer, all at once – coworkers’ family members, my ex-boyfriend, my wannabe-boyfriend’s grandmother (I call him ‘wannabe’ not because HE wants to be but cannot, but because *I* want him to be, but he’s usually inaccessible and hard to reach, and I barely ever see him or talk to him, so he’s not really my boyfriend, and he probably doesn’t really want to be my boyfriend).  It just seems like several people I know are worried about people with cancer right now, or have cancer themselves, all of a sudden at once.  Now I’m reading online about alternative cancer treatments, but I have no say in how all these other people treat their cancers.  I have my opinions, but nobody listens to my opinions.  There are all the things I’d do if it happened to me (which it probably will, someday in the future, since cancer is so common), but it’s not me, and people aren’t consulting me saying, ‘Nicole, what do you think I should do about my cancer?’  It’s frustrating to feel so helpless and to be worried about people.  

I’m actually probably going to try using a vegetable juicer again myself.  I’ve wanted to, all this time.  I need to observe which vegetables are easiest, which are hardest, which cause unwanted side effects – yes, vegetables have side effects and are toxic.  I’ve had the awareness that vegetables are toxic for years, because I was raised on the Feingold Diet, where we know about salicylates and other natural substances that some people react badly to.  Vegetables defend themselves – they don’t want to be eaten.  They weren’t put here for us to eat, they were put here for themselves to exist for themselves.  I’ve noticed, for example, that I like broccoli when it’s cooked, but when I try to eat it raw, it nauseates me.  I want to notice which vegetables are most pleasant to eat, and which ones are nauseating and hard to swallow.  I’ll have to do testing and trial and error to find out.  

But I couldn’t shop because that place was closed – will I go to Weis, or just go home?  I’m hungry again and I need to shop, but it’s just hard for me to go outdoors at all right now when I’m not ready for the freezing weather.  My hair is still wet because I took a shower and my dreadlocks never dry.  I washed them thoroughly today.  I don’t have all my layers of clothing on, but the bitter wind is blowing.  I’m not happy about being outside at all.  I’m behaving more like a normal person who lives in a house – they are never prepared enough for cold weather outdoors.  I used to wear all of my layers all of the time, and no cold weather ever bothered me no matter how bad it got.  I was always prepared.  Now I’m being lazier….  Oh well, it was a sudden weather change after it got warm.  And I don’t have the internet at home, unless I hack into somebody else’s wifi.  So I didn’t see Accuweather until I got to town.  

Maybe I’ll go to Weis… I really do need some more groceries.  I don’t have this routine settled yet.  And I need to test my special diets, especially now that I’m all interested in alternative cancer treatments. 

Vegetable juicing might be a cheap, easy, and relatively harmless way to start alternative cancer treatments.

March 12, 2014

5:06 PM 3/12/2014

I think my bike handlegrips still have residue on them.  That was mostly on the other bike, but there was a little bit on my new white one (which is no longer new).  I’m having symptoms of mania on a rainy day after handling my bike, which was always happening in the past as well.  However, it’s not as much of a problem anymore, because I am not causing problems with Rick anymore.  

I came out here to get a cup of coffee, and I considered going up to the mountain, but wasn’t sure whether I really would.  I do need to continue cleaning out the trash and taking stuff down to my apartment.  I don’t want to do what I did last night and ride my bike all the way from the top of Mt. Nittany Road, all the way down Branch Road, and then up the other side of University Drive or whatever that is, the road that connects to Waupelani.  

Are there any things that are relatively easy for a person to do in an attempt to treat their own cancer?  There are a few things that I see as relatively easy to do.  I’m not saying that they’re guaranteed to work.  I am saying that on the websites that I read, lots of people are claiming that these things have improved their health or helped them treat cancer.  Now that I think about it, I could look in forums too.  That will be written by people who actually have cancer, rather than stuff written by people who are interested in alternative medicine.

One of the first things that comes to mind is vegetable juicing.  I was shopping the other day and saw a juicer for, like, $60.  It might not be the greatest juicer ever made, but surely it works at least a little bit.  I tried vegetable juicing years ago, but I sort of broke the juicer, and also I had some problems drinking the juice, because I tried to juice beets, and it turns out that beets have oxalic acid in them, which makes you almost vomit as you drink the raw beet juice.  But if you pick your vegetables carefully and figure out which ones you can tolerate the most, you can do it.  I’ve considered doing it again to see if it helps me feel any better.  It could also make you feel worse if you are using certain vegetables, for example, tomatoes, which can cause some people to have arthritis pain.  You can also juice fresh herbs, not just vegetables and fruits.  Just try a bunch of different herbs and vegetables and stuff to see if you can tolerate them.

That’s one of the relatively easy things a person can do without changing their lifestyle very much.  I have been interested in other things that are extremely hard to do, for instance, moving out of a toxic house.  If your house has a lot of petroleum fumes in it from oil and gas, it might benefit you to move someplace where all the appliances are electric.  

I’m also interested in removing dental fillings, but I’m going to do that to myself first.  If I can find some reliable method of doing it, then I’ll be able to tell other people how to do it – that is, removing fillings and not replacing them with anything.  

There are some plant poisons that people are considering for chemotherapy, but which you can get yourself.  I know where some pawpaw trees are, up on Mt. Nittany Road in Lemont, right near the road along someone’s driveway, and pawpaw poison is a possible cancer treatment.  You can go there yourself and just rip off some leaves and branches and bark and eat it, if you feel in the mood to make yourself sick.  I don’t know what pawpaw poison does to you if you eat it, but hey, people who are desperate for cancer treatments might want to try something like that.  I’m a little skeptical about this kind of thing – I think people get sort of suicidal and they poison themselves just to sort of… feel strong, somehow.  I’m not sure if it really has an effect on cancer or not.  

Canola oil fumes cause cancer.  If you cook someplace with lots of canola oil, inhaling the smoke from the grease could cause cancer.  Taking time off work would be a good way to avoid this, and hey, when you talk to your boss and say, ‘Sorry, I’m taking time off because I have cancer,’ I guess he might say, ‘Tough it out, whiner!’  But that was the Old George.  (Referring to Eric & the bakery.)  The New George was a little more sympathetic to sick people after he got sick himself.  

My approach is to just remove as many of the known causes of cancer as possible, and try some of the relatively harmless alternative treatments like juicing, which is inexpensive and easy (unless you drink beet juice and almost throw up like I did).  Actually, juicing may be tricky if you have a weak stomach like me.  But it’s relatively easy and safe and nontoxic in the big scheme of things, and it won’t kill you or make your illness worse.  

I’m going to read some stuff now.  I am definitely having mania, which means I need to get new bike handlegrips to get rid of the residues.

When I go into coffee withdrawal, I feel the constant pain that I’ve been trying to fix for years.

March 11, 2014

1:58 PM 3/11/2014

I’m at home right now, and I don’t have a wifi.  I’ve been eating my special foods, but have also eaten McD food and had a cup of coffee last night.  I am not officially on any special diet right now – it’s a partial transition.  

My numb toe already feels different, after only one day of eating high-fat foods.  I’ve had my numb toe all these months ever since I visited my parents in WV.  I think it was from drinking Diet Coke for a couple of days at my parents’ house.  The toe slightly improved after I ate the ghee, but the ghee was full of parasites, and I couldn’t store food on the mountain because the temperature was always changing, so I only had that food for a couple of days before it got warm outside and I didn’t want to eat it anymore.  And I didn’t want to eat the ghee with the parasites, although I could cook it and see if it was still nutritious after being cooked.  

But now after only one day of eating special foods, my numb toe has slightly changed.  It just has a little more feeling.  It’s still not completely better, and I’m not absolutely certain that it’s improving, but it just *feels different*, if only a tiny bit.  

I am drinking less coffee at the moment.  And I am in withdrawal, and my whole body is in pain.  I want to sleep, but I can’t.  And I am anxious about leaving the tent where it is with my stuff in it.  I want to go up there and work on it, but I am in pain.  I don’t even want to go outside, and it’s warm outside.  I want to quit coffee completely, but it’s very hard to do that during a time when I have a major project such as moving out of the tent and into an apartment.  That requires a huge amount of motivation, and I cannot be lying at home in bed in pain.  

Special diets start improving your body on the very first day.  Your symptoms will slightly improve, or sometimes dramatically improve, on the first day, if you have chosen a diet that works.  The Feingold Diet can make hyperactive kids stop being hyper on the very first day.  A healthy fats diet can heal nerve damage on the first day.

I also want to avoid nightshades.  I react to some vegetables.  I’ve bought an onion, and I ate that, and I’m pretty sure I react to onions, and I know for certain I react badly to garlic.  So eventually I’ll have to avoid onions too.  I’m avoiding the nightshades:  tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, and eggplants.  I never ate eggplants anyway, although they were interesting to have once in a while.  But I ate the other three.  Nightshades can cause arthritis pain for some people, and I live in constant pain, and anything that can stop the pain is worth a try.  ‘Anything’ within certain limits – it has to be natural, such as an elimination diet, and not something like a prescription pain pill.  

I need to go to the tent, but I just don’t want to move.  And I never finished my decon completely either.  I’ve been getting attacked and harassed a lot, too – the murderers have been forcing my eyes open while I lie there trying to sleep.  I tried putting my headband thing over my eyes, but there are a couple problems with that:  the headband is uncomfortable when it’s over my eyes; I can sometimes see light shining from below the headband; the murderers continue zapping me and I can feel it even if I see darkness when my eyes open; I even see lights that the murderers are putting into my eyes even when I’m looking at the inside of the black headband, because they are able to make people see lights that aren’t there.  

I might drink coffee, but I know that if I do, I will want to just sit around writing blogs all day, and using the internet, instead of going up on the mountain and doing hard physical work.  There is almost nothing that’s able to motivate me to get up and do hard work, except:  getting plenty of sleep, and going into caffeine withdrawal completely until it’s done.  

3:14 PM 3/11/2014

I’m at the laundromat, drinking a large (‘venti’) Starbucks coffee.  I put ‘venti’ in quotes.  I realize it’s another language, but we are… defiling it, to say the least, with our American accents, so it has no resemblance to the native language.  If we were required to say ‘venti’ and ‘tall’ and ‘grande’ with an Italian accent, *then* I might be okay with it.  But no, we butcher it with our American accent.

I’m drinking the coffee to make the pain go away.  I have been in pain for many years now, and, a long time ago, I was trying to troubleshoot my health problems and make the pain go away.  I’ve learned a lot since then, but haven’t been able to apply any of my knowledge.  Most of it is dietary, but I also learned a lot about environmental illness, how indoor air makes me sick, how I get sick from being around petroleum fuels such as oil heaters, propane stoves, and coal, how residues from live medicinal plants contaminated my belongings and made me tired all the time and then caused even more severe symptoms after I started trying to grow stronger, more toxic, deadly plants.  I learned that my job causes pain – I mop the floors, and suffer pain in my back and arms for days, but it’s subconscious and I don’t always associate it with sweeping and mopping floors; how, if I move too quickly and rush on the job, it makes me hurt; I’ve learned all this but couldn’t apply it.  

That’s my job now.  I’m in an apartment with a fridge, and I can start working on special diets.  I will try something resembling a paleo diet but with higher fat than some of the paleo diets recommend, because I have also been influenced by Weston Price.

However, there are grains of truth in the mainstream advice.  I feel pain and numbness in my left arm as though I’m having a heart attack, and this is after eating saturated fats in large quantities.  I have other heart attack symptoms, but I went to the doctor years ago and they said there was no evidence that I had ever had a real heart attack.  Smoke in the air also causes heart attacks, and too much carbon dioxide in an enclosed room causes numbness in the extremities and panic attacks at nighttime.  

I’ve learned about so many causes of things.  It was all learned through experience.  I had to pay attention to all this because my life was harder than other people’s lives.  I couldn’t do what they did.  I couldn’t study and complete college and get a good job and get rich.  I couldn’t be happy and healthy the way everyone else was.  So I had to figure out for myself what was wrong, or else go to the doctor and get a million prescriptions, for life, that would make me sicker.

Today, I’m drinking the coffee, and I knew it would make me blog.  It always does.  But I must go up the mountain and start sorting out bags of trash and bags of things I need at the apartment. 

Eric, if you’re out there, give me your latest email address

March 11, 2014

I have the old one but don’t know if you’re still using it.

Does Edward Snowden know about mass mind control or not?

March 11, 2014

10:58 PM 3/10/2014

I was reading Edward Snowden’s latest essay.

While I was reading it, I suddenly had this feeling that something was wrong.  I felt confused.  My intuition was telling me something, but I don’t know how exactly to describe what it was telling me.  

I had this thought, ‘He doesn’t know.’  It was like he didn’t know about the existence of electronic mind control, and the fact that it is being used everywhere to control everybody.  It was as though all he knew about was the mass surveillance of email and stuff.  

Be patient with me – this was an intuitive realization, and it has several steps or several parts to it.  I *saw* something, I understood something, I felt something, but can’t describe what it was.  I also thought, maybe he’s an LII.

There was something I used to say years ago.  It was my way of understanding my empathic emotions.  If I felt some kind of persistent negative emotion, something strong and unusual, while interacting with some other person, I would tell myself, ‘I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever feelings I feel originally came from you.’  Sometimes I feel a strong feeling that was caused by the other person, something they projected, something they made me feel.  

That’s my one and only major insight about the emotions that I feel, that one little rule.  I don’t have a lot of explicit rules or insights about my emotions.  But I gained a lot by realizing that my feelings sometimes came from other people.  We could be arguing, and I would feel mysteriously defensive and weak, and I would try to defend myself, even though my position was actually strong.  If that happened, it usually meant that the *other* person felt defensive and weak.  You can argue forever with someone and get all defensive when actually you’re seeing the other person’s weakness, not your own.  But if you realize that the emotion is not your own, you can change your behavior, maybe by trying to listen to the other person and see their point of view, while realizing that you yourself are safe and don’t need to argue or defend yourself.  

I did something kind of like that while reading this.  I had this feeling, ‘Edward Snowden doesn’t know about the mass mind control system.’  Then I turned it around:  ‘Edward Snowden realizes that the vast majority of people, and the people listening to his speech/essay, do not know about the existence of the mass electronic mind control system.’  I had felt disappointed for a minute because he didn’t know.  I have been hoping that eventually he would reveal this.  I still don’t know for certain.  It just was a possibility that maybe he does know, and he’s not telling it.

He then said, in another paragraph, that he wasn’t giving any additional disclosures about surveillance at this time.  What disclosures could he have given?  What future disclosures will he give, and when, and why?  

He convinced me that he was probably an LII because he said that he still believes in spying, and he believes it has its proper place – not those exact words – but that this huge, massive thing was too much.  

But I am asking, why?  Why is it too much?  Why is a little bit of spying okay, but mass surveillance of everyone isn’t?  He’s saying, mostly because it wastes resources that ought to be more focused.  He’s not really opposed to spying.  I don’t have any concept of what ‘spying’ is and what it entails and what are its proper limits.  Is he saying that we don’t need to spy on the vast majority of white people, but it would be more appropriate to spy on, say, nothing but Middle Easterners who are in the country?  That would be a more targeted spying, instead of spying on everyone everywhere.  

So his main complaint seems to be that it’s wasting resources and isn’t working.  It’s failed to prevent attacks.  But that doesn’t make me feel safe enough.  Why don’t we just make it more cost-effective, but still keep doing it?  Why don’t we just throw more resources onto the task of spying?  

It’s kind of like saying that when everybody everywhere is using text messages and social networking, they don’t spend enough time socializing face-to-face with real people, and it lowers their quality of life and the quality of their social interactions.  It’s as though the spy network is doing the same thing, just fooling around and facebooking all day long without really doing anything.  It’s much easier to sit inside where it’s warm and look at a computer screen instead of actually walking around and looking at things and talking to people and interacting with them.  It’s like laziness.  

Meanwhile, other groups are manipulating vulnerable puppets.  ‘The Craft’ hats, with the image of a skull symbol, were seen all around at the Boston bombing incident.  These people *are* going outdoors and interacting with people and the real world and participating in bombings.  The puppets get blamed and are seen as having done it alone, but the Craft mercenary groups, and other groups,  are manipulating them, maybe because some foreign country paid them to.  And the FBI and others knew about these puppets in advance and most likely egged them on, but all the mass surveillance did nothing, which shows that they are either ‘ineffective and incompetent,’ ‘wasted resources,’ or that they *want* people to do false flag attacks and get the public all riled up.  

Edward Snowden isn’t saying anything about false flags and the deliberate manipulation of puppets who will get the blame for them, at least not in this particular paper.

I really want to know *why* this is an issue to Edward Snowden.  Why does he care?  What does it mean to him personally?  Why would he suddenly care so much about this that he would take such risks?  Why is this issue important to him?  I just don’t understand what would motivate him to do this.  

He said there were more programs that could be disclosed, but he isn’t doing it because of the public interest.  ‘As stated previously, there are many other undisclosed programs that would impact EU citizens’ rights, but I will leave the public interest determinations as to which of these may be safely disclosed to responsible journalists in coordination with government stakeholders.  I have not disclosed any information to anyone other than those responsible journalists.’  

I don’t understand the grammar of that sentence.  If it’s grammatically incorrect, that indicates that he got zapped mid-sentence and was forced to stop saying what he would have said, and they filled in his sentence with gibberish that led him off-track.  The sentence wanders off track grammatically where it says ‘but I will leave.’  I just can’t understand it.  I will leave the… determinations…. to… journalists in coordination with government stakeholders.  What??? You’re letting someone else decide what revelations are in the public interest?  But isn’t that what whistleblowing is about – doing something that isn’t in the ‘public interest’ according to those journalists and government stakeholders?  They decide what’s in the public interest, and they’ve all decided that mass surveillance by the NSA is in the public interest.  They tell us what is in our interest.  It doesn’t matter if it really is in the public interest or not – we are forced to do whatever they force us to do.  Why would he decide that this one particular thing is in the public’s interest to know?  Why would it be so important that he had to tell us?  

He didn’t even disclose the fact that the people spying on everyone are watching their naked videos and sexting, and stealing those photos and videos and making money off of them by putting them on amateur porn sites without their consent – surely, somebody somewhere in the NSA is doing that very thing.  They are using it to stalk and harass people they know, but he didn’t mention anything about that.  He didn’t make it real enough.  He didn’t say WHAT THOSE PEOPLE ARE DOING ALL DAY LONG.  

He didn’t say that they hack computers and harass people and ‘troll’ them on purpose to make them angry for fun, which can lead to murders and suicides in people who are on antidepressants, as I once was when my computer was being hacked.  I literally wanted to kill someone because of the computer hacking harassment which was constant and unavoidable – but oh, that’s just my petty little complaint.  It’s actually funny and hilarious to constantly harass someone everywhere they go until they want to murder someone, ha ha.  He hasn’t mentioned anything about how the people at the NSA are doing that.  He just hasn’t made it *real* to people what they are doing.  It still all sounds faraway and abstract.  WHAT DO THEY DO EVERY DAY???  What are they doing?  What are they saying?  Those people sitting at those computers spying on ordinary civilians, watching them having cybersex, don’t they talk about people and laugh at them and make fun of them?  Don’t they disrespect people?  Don’t they stalk and harass people they know, people they dislike, for fun?  Edward Snowden isn’t making any of this understandable to the average person.  It all just sounds vague and faraway and like we still don’t really need to worry about it.  

He didn’t mention anything about mass theft of money by these hackers either.  That would be in the public interest to know.

I’m still reading it – it’s very long.  

Does he know about mass mind control or not? 

The filthy hell-hole that is my new home. Okay, I like it, actually. I’m going to be happy there.

March 10, 2014

1:08 PM 3/10/2014

I shall henceforth refer to this place as ‘The Fucking Hell-Hole.’

I’ve walked in to the apartment today and I’m cautiously exploring it.  I’m making a list of things I need at the grocery store.  Nobody is home, which is actually a relief to me.  That makes it easier for me to explore.  They’re all away on spring break.  I can see why they’d want to get out of this place.

It’s actually not that bad, as long as I don’t inhale.  There is a smell of rotting garbage in the kitchen.  I didn’t know where it was coming from or whether I could do anything about it, so I walked around the kitchen sniffing, and sniffing, and sniffing, looking for the source.  I couldn’t find the source for sure, although I find a few things that might be the source.

They have a gas stove.  When I saw that, I said, ‘We’re fucked.’  I do not want to live in a house with any kind of petroleum fuels.  I know from experience that they put out carbon monoxide and other poisons.  Ideally, everything should be electric, or the air should be thoroughly vented, which it never is.  Even when the gas stoves are turned off, they still release fumes.  There is a pilot light which is always on, and that surely releases fumes too.

The refrigerator is turned down too low.  I opened the door and felt inside it with my hands.  It was warm.  They had all these vegetables and stuff in there.  I turned it up only one notch farther, although I wanted to turn it up all the way.  But I don’t want it to freeze their vegetables.  They might come home and throw all the food away, I don’t know, after it’s been there a week.  I’m not sure how long it will keep.  I’m buying my own food, which they said to do anyway, which I take for granted that I would of course do.  I won’t be eating other people’s food, and they won’t be eating mine.  I am buying a thermometer when I go to the grocery store just to make sure the fridge stays under 40 degrees.  It didn’t even feel *that* cold.  It was turned down to number 2, out of five settings, with 5 as the coldest.  However, the freezer works, and I could keep my food in there, although it would be inconvenient to have to thaw it out every time I want to eat something.

I’m about to get on the bus and go out shopping.  I also have to tell McD about my new work availability, because they say they are closing the store and rebuilding it for real this time.  So, we will have to work at other stores.  They were nice to me and tried to give me a place I could get to easily, the Nittany Mall store, but nobody knew I was getting an apartment on Waupelani Drive on the opposite side of town, instead of living in Lemont the way I have been until now.  If I were in Lemont, yes, it would be easy to get to the Nittany Mall store on my bike.

I am going to cut back my hours a lot.  I need to work a lot less and recover from this sickness.  I am not the only one.  Several other people have been sick for a ridiculously long time, as in five or six weeks, the entire month of February, and continuing now.  I am wondering if we have radioactive snow from Fukushima.  I’m getting sick every time it rains or snows.  We had snow sitting here all these weeks while people have had this ‘cold.’  Maybe the radiation suppresses our immune systems.

I also would like to clean the bathrooms and kitchen, although I won’t do that all the time.  It might be a one time thing.  Everything is messy and dirty.  When I live in an apartment, I don’t keep the place clean either, but somehow, since I’m new here, and since I am sick, and since it smells bad in here, and I get environmental illnesses easily, and just because I’m new and I’m getting used to it, I have this unusual urge to clean up the messiness and dirt and filth.  After I settle in, I won’t be keeping it all spotlessly clean.  These are Chinese grad students, and now I see how they live.  They probably don’t spend much time in the apartment, except to sleep.

The only ‘Chinese’ thing that really catches my attention, about their food, is they have all these bags of dried herbs, dried peppers, and spices.  That seems like it would be worth doing – more spices and herbs.  They have woks on the stove, bags of rice, cooking oil, and some kind of chopped up meat chunks in the freezer, and I can’t see what type of meat it is.  There is also some American junk food, like Cap’n Crunch cereal.  Their toothpaste tubes are written in Chinese.  I haven’t looked at all their food yet.  In the fridge there are lots of vegetables, such as green onions – those are what I saw first – and carrots.  I don’t mind that at all.  However, I also see boxes of mac ‘n’ cheese – another junk food.  I won’t be eating their food, as I said, but I’m just curious to know what they do and learn anything that seems different or unusual.  I’ve never seen anyone use all those dried spices and hot peppers.  They’re all sitting out and look like they are used frequently or daily, with every meal.  I like that.

I’m catching the bus now…

4:06 PM 3/10/2014

I rode the bus and transferred and went all the way to Wegman’s.  Now I’m home again, and I’ve opened the windows and turned on the vent in the bathroom to get some fresh air in here.  I rode a cab home, because I bought so much stuff that I could not carry it on the bus.  I got stuff I wouldn’t normally get, so I don’t have to worry that taking a cab home will become a habit.  I got an extremely heavy cast iron skillet, for instance, along with a bunch of stuff.  I got some cleaning supplies, toilet paper, and stuff like that.  I got paper bowls and plastic cutlery, for now, instead of real dishes.  I got ziploc bags.  I got a thermometer for the fridge, and thankfully, it’s now showing 40 degrees.  I was afraid that the fridge was just broken and didn’t work at all, because that sometimes happens if there is a coolant leak.  But it’s okay.

I only got a couple food items, actually.  Normally I would have wanted to go crazy and buy a million things, but I forced myself to keep it simple.  I got coconut oil instead of ghee this time, although I was about to buy ghee, then decided to try the coconut oil, thinking I might avoid using dairy products – although I’m not formally on a special diet right now.  I got mushrooms, arugula, an onion, ground lamb, salmon caviar, organic chicken eggs, and broccoli.  And I got mangos and avocados.  I’m going to just cook some kind of greasy meats and eggs and vegetables.

I already made fried eggs in the cast iron skillet.  I used a lot of coconut oil.  It’s a gas stove, so it heated the pan instantly.  I cracked the eggs in there, and in about five seconds, they were done, as I was panicking and running from the room to go hunting for my spatula and a paper bowl to put the eggs in after they were cooked.  I turned off the fire and the cast iron pan stayed hot and just kept cooking them, so actually they were even a little more done that I wanted, though there was still some runny yolk.  I’m going to learn to eat eggs semi-raw, mostly with runny yolk.  The yolk is more important than the white.  I’ll cook the whites gently.

I dumped those eggs in a bowl, though I had to scrape the pan because they stuck to it.  It has to be seasoned, with grease cooked into the pores of the pan.  I dumped the eggs into a pile in this paper bowl, and then *wolfed* them down with the coconut oil.  I desperately crave grease and cannot find it anywhere else – it’s not available at restaurants, the very opposite of what you’ve been told.  No restaurants serve grease.  And if it could be found at restaurants, I didn’t have a fridge to put all the leftovers in, so I never went to those restaurants.  I’m going to go cook more eggs now.  Two wasn’t enough.

I have discovered The Joy Of Cooking.  That’s the name of my mom’s old cookbook.  But I’m not cooking recipes.  I’m not measuring things out or performing complex chemical reactions to make things like bread or baked goods or special sauces.  I’m just cooking things that are satisfying and interesting to me.  This makes me very happy.  I just wolfed down two more eggs as though I haven’t eaten in years, which I haven’t.

I had just started to light the fire and melt the oil when I thought, ‘What do I do if I start a fire???’  I looked around but could not see a fire extinguisher in the kitchen.  (I did eventually find one – it was in a nearby closet.)  I was remembering an incident from decades ago, and my brother might even remember this.  My brother and I were at home alone.  I think he might have been skateboarding in the basement.  I tried to cook an egg.  I put the pan on the burner, turned the dial all the way to ‘high,’ and then dropped a pat of butter into the pan.  The pat of butter slid all around the pan in a circle, melted rapidly, and then caught fire.  I panicked.  I don’t even remember what I did to put the fire out.  I’m guessing that I probably threw the pan into the sink and ran water over it.  I know you’re not supposed to do that with a grease fire, but it was only a little bit of butter, not, like, an entire deep fryer full of grease.

The whole house filled with smoke, and the smoke alarms started going off.  They are loud and noisy and scary, and I was panicking trying to make them stop, but I couldn’t reach them because they were on the ceiling.  My brother came to help me, if I recall correctly.  We started opening the windows and turning on as many fans as we could to make the smoke go away, and after a few minutes, the smoke alarms stopped.

My parents came home a while later.  Mom said that she never would have known that there had been a fire, because we had aired the place out so well that she couldn’t smell smoke.  But she saw the blackened frying pan in the sink.  And I told her about it.  From then on, we all remembered that incident.  I know never to turn the dial all the way up on an empty pan and then drop a pat of butter in there.  So I was a little wary as I watched the solid coconut oil melting.

The eggs do not taste like coconut, although the oil does smell recognizably of coconut.  If I told someone else about this they might think, ‘Coconut Eggs’ is a special recipe.  But it’s not, it’s the same as any other fried eggs, with no particular taste.

I need to go inform McD about my availability after the store closes.  I was supposed to have that in ‘by’ March tenth, and depending on how I interpret the word ‘by,’ it might still be okay to turn in the paper at the very end of the day on March 10th.  But I will go later tonight.  I am still gradually cooking some of my food, and still checking the thermometer in the fridge.  I got it below 40, but I don’t want to freeze the food.  The leafy greens will wilt if they freeze.  I don’t want all my roommates to come home from spring break and see that all their vegetables have frost damage.  That would be a terrible way to introduce myself.

I took a bunch of photos on my new tracfone.  I’ll upload them.  The quality is not that great, but they’re not meant to be professional.  It’s just photos of the kitchen and the food.  I do need a nice camera that can take pictures as well as the first one I had, the one that I dropped in the creek.  But I will wait.  That’s a project.  I want one with a manual focus.  That’s all – manual focus.

I actually just ate four more eggs, for a total of eight.  Eggs are small and they don’t really fill you up if that’s all you eat in your meal.  I also had a mango.  When food is high quality, you can eat a lot of it, but if it’s bad quality, it makes you sick as you’re eating it, and you can barely choke it down.

Now that I’ve opened the windows and turned on the vent in the bathroom and the vent in the kitchen, this place is great.  It’s not a Filthy Hell Hole anymore.  Cautiously, I say, this is home.

Now watch.  I’m gonna get food poisoning from eating eight runny eggs, and I’m gonna have a heart attack or stroke from the coconut oil.  I’ve been reading on the internet that coconut oil is good for you.  However, it might be better for you if you are on a ketogenic diet with fewer carbohydrates so that your body burns fat for energy.  I’m going to try that, but for now, I’m just doing what I’m doing, and allowing myself to eat fruit.  It will be very hard to stop eating dairy products – they are addictive, and I know it for a fact because I’ve quit them before, and they cause a very intense craving.  Others have written about this.  It’s like opiate addiction.

I’m going to go to McD and give them my new availability, if that’s okay.  Hopefully it’s not too late.  It’s still *on* the tenth of March….

9:18 PM 3/10/2014

Okay, I got here, and I read the piece of paper, and it says 8:00 AM on the 10th of March.  Oh well, I filled out the form anyway and wrote on it that I knew it was late but it was okay if I had the old schedule for the first week at the store.  I was just so exhausted and sick and burned out that I couldn’t get here and couldn’t fill out the form and couldn’t even think, so I wasn’t able to decide what I wanted to do with my schedule.  I will need to change the availability again, though – I’m sure I’ll want to work more hours than I requested, in a few months when I feel better.  I requested to work only Thursday and Friday, and I cut Saturday and Sunday out of my availability.  I’ll still work at TB on those days.

I ended up cooking eight eggs, earlier today.  Then I suddenly wanted to sleep.  I have barely slept at all for the past few nights, and I have been sick and exhausted and have been drinking tons and tons of coffee.  I had coffee earlier today at the hotel, so I haven’t gone into withdrawal yet, but I haven’t had any since then.

I have this lost and confused and anxious feeling.  I feel like there is something I have to do or somewhere I have to be, and I feel like I need to go back to the tent to see if it’s okay.  I will, soon.  I just feel confused about where I live, and anxious, and I haven’t settled in yet.

I am not as starving now.  I’m at McD, and I ordered food, but I am not eating it as hungrily as I usually do.  I just feel less hunger now.  I was always constantly frustrated.  Thank God I know about the high fat diets.  I didn’t know that when I was younger, when I first got out on my own.  High fat is the key to everything.

I’m also less tired because I haven’t been pushing my bike up Mt. Nittany Road every day.  I’m going to be burning up all that unneeded muscle.  I have a much flatter bike path now.

Okay, my apartment really isn’t a hell-hole.  But that was my first reaction.  I’ve had so many experiences with environmental illness that I was expecting the worst, and I’m scared that I’ll live someplace that makes me sick with black mold poisoning or petroleum fumes or something, anything at all, something I don’t expect.  I’m very distrusting about living indoors.  And after I got inside, walked around, and smelled the various odors and the rotting garbage, I said, ‘This place is a fucking hell-hole,’ and that was my first impression.  But after I went shopping, and cooked my eight Coconut Eggs, and took a long nap, I no longer feel like it’s a hell-hole.  I am going to be happy.

You’re not allowed to know the truth about chemotherapy.

March 10, 2014

I just did a couple google searches off the top of my head, without trying very hard.  If you do a google image search for something like ‘effects of chemotherapy’ without quotes, you will see hundreds and hundreds of stock photos – as in, those photos that you search for in a database of photos that have a particular theme that you want to express – and all of them show happy, smiling, beautiful, young people with shaved heads, or adorable children smiling because they have cancer – everyone is smiling because they have cancer.  The message:  Stay happy!  That’s all you can do!  Be happy and obey!  Go to the hospital and sit in a hospital bed like they tell you to!

You can’t find photos of the *real people* who are dying from chemotherapy, starving to death, poisoned to death.  Just hundreds upon hundreds of stock photos of cheerful, happy people with shaved heads.  The message is:  You lose your hair, but that’s all!  No big deal!  We have happy, smiling, beautiful women and children with shaved heads!  Shaved heads are a new fashion statement.  You can even make a joke of it if you want to!  Tell your friends and family that shaving your head is the hottest trend in fashion! 

Photos of real people on chemotherapy are taboo.  You’re not allowed to know what it really looks like.  The only way to find these photos is to search for specific keywords, not general keywords.  If your search terms are too general, you will get nothing but mainstream medicine garbage, bullshit, and happy cheerful smiling beautiful stock photos.  Stay happy!  That’s all you can do!

I’m not done yet – I have more to say about cancer treatments, but this is all for now.

I’ve got the key to the new apartment.

March 8, 2014

4:06 PM 3/8/2014

I thought that I was going to have to wait till next week to get my apartment keys, but I misunderstood.  I got the key this morning.  I had called one of the roommates and asked her when I could come over to pick up the key, but she didn’t know where the key was and she thought the girl who was moving out still had it.  She said I could wait till spring break was over when the two remaining girls came back and I could probably come over then.  

I slept at the hotel last night, and I’ll be sleeping there again tonight – I’ve already checked in.  So I woke up early this morning – I am always forced awake regardless of whether I am done sleeping or not – and I was already awake when the phone rang at 7:30.  It was the other roommate, the one I didn’t talk to on the phone.  She asked me if I could come over this morning.  I was confused.  Apparently, she had the key, and the other girl didn’t know about it.  She said they were leaving at 10:00 AM, if I could get there before then.  I said yes.  I stayed and ate a little breakfast at the hotel and then rode my bike out there.  

I found some of my lost money on the way there.  I had brought my wallet the other day, hanging on a strap over my shoulder, and I didn’t know that the change section was partly unzipped.  Most of my coins fell out on the road while I was riding my bike to the apartment the first time, on Thursday night.  I didn’t know it happened.  During the bike ride, I suddenly heard this clinking sound of something metal hitting the wheel, and I thought that a screw had fallen out of my bike, and I thought it might be something really dangerous, where the bike might fall apart.  I stopped, and looked around with my cell phone flashlight in the dark beside the road, but could not see anything unusual lying on the ground.  I got back on my bike and rode cautiously, wondering what would fall apart and when, but nothing did.  When I got home that night I saw that my coin purse was open, and I figured out it was the coins falling and clinking on the wheels.  But this morning I saw a bunch of coins lying on the road, along that same path I had taken, and I picked them up.

I got there and called the other roommate.  I couldn’t text her, but normally, I would have just wanted to send a text message to tell her to open the door for me.  But my phone can’t send texts – I’m still using my old tracfone, which has a glitch with the text messaging.

She let me in, and gave me the key, and had me sign the lease.  I also gave her my email address.  She showed me the kitchen, which I hadn’t seen before.  It smelled like garbage, which actually reassured me – if they tolerated a messy, garbage-filled kitchen, then they couldn’t be too bad to live with.  The kitchen looked just a little bit run down – but people are so judgmental and unappreciative.  I don’t care if it’s a little run down, if the paint is peeling, if it’s a little rusty.  As long as the air isn’t full of black mold, though….

So I left, went back to the hotel, and then went to work.  

Last night my heater stopped working at the hotel.  I went to the front desk to ask her what I could do, whether I should just move to another room.  She called the maintenance guy for me – he was there late at night.  He came in and started pulling the heating unit out of the wall.  I chatted with him, and told him about myself and my situation, how I was getting an apartment now, how I was voluntarily homeless.  He said he’d considered something like that, and had wanted to live in an RV, but his girlfriend didn’t want to do that.  He was nice, and we got along well, and he told me he wanted to be able to save money by not paying rent, just like I was doing, and that he wished he could leave this job – not because he hated doing maintenance, but because he didn’t like the people he worked with.  The other maintenance guy was a liar who would say he had fixed things when he hadn’t really fixed them, and this guy had to do all the work to make up for the other guy.  

‘It’s gonna be cold for a few minutes,’ he said.  He pulled the heating unit out of the wall, and there was a vent that opened directly to the outside, for the air conditioner to release heat.  The winter air came in, but it’s not that bad anymore – it’s no longer bitter cold.  I waited for a few minutes, browsing on my netbook, and then he came back in with another unit and hooked it up.  Then he left.

I turned on the new unit.  I waited a few minutes, hoping it would warm up, but it didn’t.  It just blew out room temperature air.  So I went back out to the desk and told her about it, and she called the guy back.  I apologized and told him what happened.  He said he had tested it just before he brought it down, and seemed surprised that it didn’t work now.  So he took it out and took it away.  I waited again, and he brought me another new one.  This one worked immediately.  

I don’t mind cold when I have four sleeping bags, but those hotels have paper-thin blankets.  They’re useless, and they absolutely require lots of heat.  That’s probably so they’re easy to wash.  Lots of thick blankets that actually worked would take up too much space in the washers.  If you don’t wash blankets, they get itch mites in them.  I learned about this (through experience) years ago.  Itch mites are also on movie theater seats and any other fabric seats that can’t be washed, and on toilet seats that haven’t been washed recently.  They crawl on you, and you can feel them crawling and biting, but you can’t see anything.  I assume they are some kind of scabies mite.  

I’m not really ready to leave my tent.  I have unfinished business in the wilderness, as I have said before.  I am not sure how I am going to live my life, but I probably will go camping for fun now.  I never did before.  I didn’t know how to camp, but now I know I can.  It’s easy.

I can’t wait to have real food again.  I’m going to the grocery store and I will buy every bizarre thing they have, and I’ll order fresh coconuts online, and I’ll order grassfed beef and other weird stuff that I couldn’t have before.

It’s going to be an unbearably stressful day. I don’t even know where to start.

March 6, 2014

8:35 AM 3/6/2014

I am going to have an extremely stressful day.  I’ve been trying to communicate with Asians.  I’m trying to sublet an apartment from a girl, but our schedules haven’t coincided yet, and she says she’s leaving Friday (tomorrow).  However, I now have her roommate’s phone number, so I can try to start communicating with another Asian over the phone.  Several misunderstandings have already occurred.  I just can’t hear what they’re saying.  So I have to talk kind of slowly and try to repeat or summarize what they said to me, but I’ve almost always missed something.  

I have to go home and pick up my work uniform, too.  And I’m at the hotel, and I will probably rent a room again tonight, just so I can stay on this side of town so I can continue trying to go over to the apartment that I’m trying to visit.  I tried to go last night, but because of a misunderstanding, I didn’t realize that she totally wasn’t coming home at all last night, although I figured that out several phone calls later.  So I rode my bike around, and at least I found the location of the apartment that I’m trying to go to.  And then, supposedly, I could have gone there anyway and met her roommate while the other girl was gone, but I didn’t catch that in our phone calls, and then the girl sent me a text message saying that her roommate had gone out to eat dinner because I wasn’t coming – and, wait a minute, was I supposed to go meet the roommate in the other girl’s absence?  Oops, didn’t catch that.  So I went back to the hotel and that’s when I got this text message.

I’m going to try to call the roommate sometime this morning.  The other girl says I could come over at 7:00 this evening, but I’ll be at McD working this evening, unless I’ve lost my job, which might have happened, since I’ve called off sick so many times and I’m still quite sick today – not having the cold symptoms as much anymore, but now I’m having digestive symptoms and continuing fatigue.  I do still have a runny nose, and my cough sometimes gets better and then gets worse again, but it’s slowly, slowly going away.  I’m having a whole bunch of weird and annoying symptoms, and if they don’t all go away soon, I’m going to start writing blogs that speculate about what could be causing them.  

If I had a motorized vehicle, all of this would be much easier and less stressful.  But I have to either take a cab, take the bus, or ride my bike everywhere.  And I have to talk to Asians.  I dread making this phone call that I will have to make today to try to talk to the roommate.  I really, sincerely want to rent this room very, very badly, but I’m scared that they will think I’m never going to show up, because I can’t show up at the right time for them, because of my work schedule.  They could rent it out to somebody else who was able to get there faster, just ahead of me.  If someone else is able to get there at 7:00 this evening, they’ve got it and I’ve lost it.  I might be able to get there at 11:30 PM tonight, which means they’d have to stay awake waiting for me.  

Basically, everything about this sucks in every possible way, and I might not even get this apartment, as hard as I’m trying to get there.  And that will be unbearably frustrating if it happens.  If it’s yanked away out from under me just as I’m about to get it, I’m going to scream.  I’m renting a living room, and it’s going to be cheap ($280 a month), so I really want this.  And I get to live with Asians!  🙂  

I remember reading something not too long ago that talked about which language accents are hard for other people to understand.  It varies by language, and it varies depending on who is the listener.  English Americans listening to Asians have a *very* hard time understanding them.  However, English Americans have an easier time understanding somebody with, say, a Russian accent.  There are differences in which sounds are accented in what way, and for whatever reason, understanding Asian accents is just about the hardest for English people.  I know I’ve worked with Asians at McD, and I had to repeat almost every sentence that the one lady said, because I just could never be sure I had understood her correctly, and she talked very fast.  

Well, I’m going to start getting ready for this.  I don’t know where I’m going or when.  I just know I have to run around all over the universe.  And I am still having recurring bouts of sickness and fatigue.  And I can’t reach Jesse by phone, but he was the one special thing that was making life worth living, so I am deprived of Jesse right now, although he isn’t *completely* ignoring me, I just can’t get a lot of written responses from him – they’re brief and intermittent, but yet, I’m not being totally ignored in the same way that, for instance, Rick is doing.  Rick never says a word to me at all, whereas Jesse does say an occasional couple of words, still.  I still have hope that, before long, Jesse and I will be able to visit each other physically again, but yet, maybe I’m just being stupid, and maybe I should just give up.  

But I can’t give up yet.  He was so wonderful, and also, I’m being brainwashed to believe that I should keep trying, when, maybe if I were not being brainwashed, I would have given up.  I don’t know.  I don’t mean that my love for him is fake, but rather, I probably would have let him go if he showed any signs of disinterest or indifference towards me.  It’s not in my nature to force someone to do something they don’t want to do.  

But it doesn’t matter – he hasn’t gone so far as to express active hostility or retaliation in a bad way – he hasn’t threatened me or expressed anger or been ‘creeped out’ by me.  He isn’t threatening to call the police, let’s put it that way – he’s tolerating me.  So long as he’s tolerating me, it’s okay for me to keep trying to stay in touch with him.  If he becomes intolerant to me, then I will have to stop.  As of right now, I am just this annoyingly persistent friend who keeps writing to him. 

If this works out, I will be subletting someone’s living room.

March 5, 2014

12:37 PM 3/5/2014

I hope this works out.  I am trying to rent an apartment.  I have one that I would like to visit tonight, if possible, but she had asked if I could see her tomorrow night, and I said I would be working tomorrow night, and I asked if tonight would be okay.  She said yes, maybe after 8:00, which is fine with me, but I’m scared that she won’t be ready tonight.  She said I should call first to see if she’s done with school by 8:00, and I just have a feeling that she won’t want to do it tonight because this wasn’t the night she originally requested.  

I apologized for asking her to change the night, and she laughed when I said ‘I’m sorry.’  This was one of the foreign students, with an accent I could not identify, but I was able to understand her well enough.  Many of the people who are subletting apartments in the area that I want to live in are foreign students.  

I don’t mind – in general, I love foreign people and other races – although I occasionally have incidents with a particular ethnic group that I won’t name, but they’re not foreign.  There actually are real issues with that particular group, although ideally I don’t want to be racist towards them either.  I’m thinking of that now because I had one of those incidents just a few minutes ago, where it seemed like this person was deliberately doing something just to annoy me, something pointless and stupid and trivial.  I was at Starbucks getting a coffee, and I wanted half and half, but it was empty.  Somebody else had put the pitchers of milk up on the little ledge where the lady behind the counter could see them, but she hadn’t taken them back yet because they were busy.  I sort of lifted one up and moved it around in such a way that I hoped my movement might get her attention and she might notice that I was standing there patiently waiting for half and half.  But she acted like she didn’t notice.  

Finally, another lady who worked there came up and asked me, ‘What are you waiting for?’ and I told her, ‘Half and half,’ and she told the lady behind the counter to get it.  The lady quickly and easily reached into a cabinet that was right next to her, and pulled out a new pitcher.  She had ignored me standing there waiting for the half and half, even after she picked up the empty one and took it away, and didn’t bother to set out a new one even after picking up the empty one, holding it in her hand, walking back to the kitchen to put it in the sink, coming back, and still seeing me standing there waiting.  I felt that I had done enough to get her attention and make a conscientious person ask, ‘I’m sorry, did you need something?’ or something like that, but she just ignored me and continued making other stuff.  I just had this feeling she was ignoring me deliberately.  It was so quick and easy to reach into the little cooler and grab another pitcher, but she only did it when the other lady told her to.  I was waiting for the right moment to say something out loud, because I would rather avoid having to say it out loud if I didn’t have to.

Anyway, I’m in an irritated mood today, and so small things are getting on my nerves.  I’m sick with diarrhea again – this seems to keep coming back.  My cold has lasted for the entire month of February, and I still have it, though not as badly.  Every so often I get new symptoms like diarrhea or nausea.  I called off sick both days last weekend from both jobs, and I imagine they are probably both mad at me.  I called off Saturday and Sunday from McD and TB both…

However, I have been apartment hunting, and making phone calls and sending emails and asking questions.  I have one that I really want, right now, and I’m hoping I can go visit them and seal the deal tonight.  I really hope I get it.  I’m anxious.  

Jesse is still talking to me, just barely, and only in chat.  Being unable to talk to him on the phone is disastrous.  He said his phone got washed in the washer, but I feel like he is trying to avoid me.  I’ve tried calling the phone, and yeah, it does behave differently than it did – it instantly goes to voice mail (actually, to a message saying that his voice mail isn’t set up yet, which is the same as usual) without even trying to ring.  Talking on the phone was the only thing that really bonded us, and writing doesn’t work.  I know that he still exists, and that’s about all I know.  I can get him for brief moments on facebook chat.  He has not been in a good mood, and a lot of things are wrong, but I can’t figure out exactly what it is and can’t talk to him or see him or do anything about it, so I’m just out of it and clueless.  So, I’m just focusing on myself, because that’s all I can do, and I’m looking for this apartment, and doing my own tasks and projects.  

Getting an apartment is a major compromise.  I won’t even know how much of a compromise it is, or what I have lost, until after I do it, and I’ll suddenly say, ‘Oh yeah, *this* is what I hated about living in an apartment!’  But I’m going to do it anyway.  I know I can camp again if I have to, if worst comes to worst.  I’ll try this and see how it goes.  

I won’t see the coltsfoot blooming on the little dirt cliff edge on Mt. Nittany Road.  I won’t see all the wild animals waking up and moving around again.  I won’t find out if there are any bears still living on Nittany Mountain, because I only saw one last year, and it was a baby.  

But maybe I can explore Tussey Mountain and that area, if I get this apartment.  I’ll be closer to there.  Tussey Mountain is a bit darker and scarier.  It has a mature forest, the Rothrock State Forest, and I have ridden my bike down that road, and the trees are big and dark, and the underbrush is full of laurels and rhododendrons, deadly poisons.  It is not a safe place.  I would explore it if I could find my way around the rhododendrons.  I wouldn’t want to walk near the rhododendrons and then walk indoors into an apartment, not this time – I know what happens when you do.  

It reminds me of an ancient video game, King’s Quest 2, which I never finished because I couldn’t figure out what to do with the horse’s bridle.  I’ve looked online for walkthroughs since then, and I’d love to play it again – I tried to play it when they were doing a demonstration of HTML 3, which is able to do moving graphics.  I think I played the first one, not the second one, in the HTML 3 demo.  Anyway, there’s a part where you have to approach a castle, and I think a vampire lives there or something, and there are these thorn bushes out front, and you have to walk past them without touching them.  If you touch even one pixel, INSTANT DEATH.  Game over.  Rhododendrons are like that.  

So, if I do explore Tussey, I will be extremely careful, and I don’t want to contaminate a whole new apartment with rhododendron poison.  That’s another reason why I didn’t want to live in an apartment.  I still have unfinished business in the wilderness.  I am not done yet.  I have yet to conquer the other mountains and the rhododendrons.  I think the Native Americans might have dealt with the rhododendrons by setting fire to the entire forest, and knowing what I know, I don’t blame them.  I’ve read about it – it was normal back then for them to just set fire to the entire forest.  That was their way of doing agriculture.  They didn’t chop down all the trees, but they burned the understory.  It worked very well and was more sustainable than chopping down all the trees.  I would not flinch at the thought of every single rhododendron bush going completely extinct.  They are absolute evil.  Just touching them causes heart attacks.  But I would not want to inhale the smoke from that fire.

Now, I will just wait today, and I will prepare to visit this apartment.  That is all I have to do.  It’s actually the living room, not a bedroom, but that’s fine with me.  I’d rent a closet.  I don’t need a lot of space. 

My anxiety-provoking experience at the newly opened IHOP in town

March 3, 2014

11:08 AM 3/3/2014

If I move into an apartment, I will really be making a sacrifice in a lot of ways.  I know it from sleeping in this hotel.  When I sleep in some of the newer rooms in the other wing of the hotel, I don’t get as sick, but when I sleep in the older room, I have a lot of fatigue from chemicals.  I didn’t get a room with that disgusting perfume sprayed into the heat vent this time, but even so, I feel fatigued after sleeping here.  It is very hard to get up in the morning.  In my tent, I have plenty of fresh air all the time, and I don’t feel that same kind of fatigue.  In my tent, I have other problems – the lack of a fridge, mostly, and the lack of off-the-grid dried food storage, a project that I never started and never finished, but have always wanted to do, wild food hunting and gathering and storage. 

I’m drinking coffee to force myself to leave by 12:00, but I don’t want to move.  I need to think about where I will go and what I will eat.  I have to make these decisions because I don’t have my own fridge, my own food storage.  It’s always all about food, where will I go to eat today. 

I will have to make some phone calls and then try to visit some apartments.  This record-breaking freezing weather doesn’t help, and I might decide that I’m incapacitated, and I might just sit there and endure the winter for the next week or so until the weather improves.  I hate that.  I hate it that I can’t do any projects because I don’t have warm air. 

I went to IHOP for the first time last night.  I never grew up with IHOP so I knew nothing about it.  Everyone else talked about it like it was the greatest thing ever invented.  We have a new one that opened up here in town recently next to the hotel. 

I went there, and it was terrifying.  I don’t have enough time to describe in detail my whole experience – maybe later.  As I walked up to the building, a girl greeted me, a total stranger, in a super-friendly way.  I had no idea who she was.  I mulled this over as I went in the door. ‘Is this place BETA or something?’  I found out later who she was.  I had met her, briefly, in a couple of encounters last winter, because I had gone to the Unitarian Universalist church.  I barely remembered her, and I had really only met her mom, and this was the daughter, who I hadn’t even really seen at the church, because she didn’t go to play the board games as I had done a couple of times.  I saw her again while I was eating, and she stopped and talked to me again, and mentioned that I had met her at UU before. 

Then, some other waitress there greeted me as though she knew who I was, but I didn’t know who she was.  And then, my own waitress seemed to be sort of… I know there’s a word for this, I just can’t remember what it is, because it’s an ethical word, and I’m a SLI.  She was sort of… fawning, sucking up to me.  I felt like a celebrity, and I half expected someone to ask me for my autograph.

I had this impression that somewhere, in the back, where the customers could not see it or hear it, there was this horrible, monstrous manager with a whip, yelling and screaming and beating and terrorizing everyone, and if they made the slightest mistake, *DEATH!*.  Everyone seemed terrified and perfectionistic in a stiff, unnatural, tense way. 

I ordered something almost at random, because I felt rushed and anxious.  There were some annoying people sitting next to me, uncomfortably close – even though there was a whole lot of empty space, for some reason the host seated me close to a bunch of other people.  They were having an annoying conversation that just irritated me – BETAS.  (Sorry, I know some Betas read my blog…)  The coworker who had raved about IHOP was an LSI, so I should have known this was an LSI environment from the start – I had suspected it.  The guy’s tone of voice was somehow irritating, annoying, irking me, just the very sound of his voice in his conversation, even though he wasn’t really saying anything offensive or outright evil in any way.  He was just sort of nitpicky in a douchebaggy way.  I’ve had this experience before, going to restaurants and sitting next to someone with the Nitpicky Douchebag voice, who is having a loud and annoying conversation that I cannot stop hearing, and invariably I will type this person as an LSI. 

The people seated on the other side of me – I couldn’t figure out their types, but I liked them a little better.  It was a group of girls.  Part of their conversation was funny, and I suppressed a smirk as I listened to them, since I could not help overhearing every word they said.  The one girl said that a guy had tried to do the thing where you stand back-to-back with someone, grab their arms, and then flip them up over your head, and she had said, in terror, ‘No, this isn’t a good idea!’ and he had collapsed while lifting her.  I thought perhaps they seemed like Gamma SFs, but I wasn’t sure.  They could have even been Beta NFs, but they were somehow less annoying than the Nitpicky Douchebag talking about a properly seasoned cooking pan, if you took good care of the pan and made sure never to scratch it, a stainless steel pan was almost as good as a nonstick pan, blah blah, I don’t want to hear every word about your cooking pans. 

Somehow, in other restaurants, I don’t overhear every single word of every single person next to me all the time.  Sometimes I do, when it’s really crowded.  But this place had lots of empty space.  I should have been given more room or something, I don’t know.

Well, the food.  I’m not a big pancake fan, but since I ordered my meal in a panic at random, I got something that came with two pancakes.  I could not eat them.  They were gaggingly thick and sticky.  I added more syrup just to sort of liquefy them so I could choke them down more easily.  If you’re not a big fan of pancakes, then the International House Of Pancakes is probably not the place for you to be.  I ate a few bites and then requested a take-out box. 

I was able to eat more of the other foods.  I got a sampler with various breakfast meats and potatoes.  Thankfully, they did not give me an entire huge plate of nothing but potatoes, but instead just a small, reasonably sized serving of finely shredded hash browns cooked exactly the way I like them.  The meats were good, but too salty, and I just had too much of them.  I wanted to order the Senior Citizens’ sampler, but I got the Regular Citizens’ sampler instead, which had twice as much food. 

Basically, something about the atmosphere of sheer panic and terror and inexperience in everybody there made me nervous.  Everyone seemed excessively friendly and sucking-up.  I could just imagine some terrorizing manager in the back room saying, ‘YOU SUCK UP TO THOSE CUSTOMERS, OR I WILL FIRE YOU AND I WILL COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND FIRE EVERY MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY FROM ALL OF THEIR JOBS TOO, AND I WILL FIRE YOUR DOG AND YOUR CAT AND YOUR FISH, AND I WILL DE-FRIEND YOU FROM ALL OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS, AND BAN YOU FROM EVERY FORUM IN WHICH YOU PARTICIPATE, AND YOU WILL BE PLACED ON THE GOVERNMENT’S NO-FLY LIST FOR LIFE…’

I don’t have time to keep complaining about IHOP, and I need to get ready to leave.  I might possibly go to the diner here.  Maybe I will just go straight into town on the bus.  But I’m moving too slowly to get out there and try to catch a bus right now, so it will probably be the diner instead.  The diner serves eggs and breakfast foods too, but in a much more relaxed atmosphere (although sometimes it’s smokey in there).  I just want eggs.  Half-cooked eggs with runny yolks is my primary reason for ever eating at any place that serves breakfast foods.  If only it were possible to order overeasy fried eggs all day long at any restaurant, that would be all I needed.