Archive for November, 2008

attacked and insulted about a trivial weight gain; the brand-new futon is ruined by contamination

November 30, 2008

they did it again.

it’s happened a couple times recently. i have been harassed by voices about an extremely trivial gain in body fat. it is well within my normal range of weight changes. it usually means that i had sjw recently and am in withdrawal from it – that’s the one that seems to change my weight a little bit. i’m not sure how all the drugs affect it, but i’ve spent this whole toxic house time period mostly looking like i’m a day or two away from starvation. that is what happens when you are in frequent contact with ephedra and tobacco poisoning.

they would have put the word ‘harass’ in there because it’s my butt that gets fat first, before anything else. the voices have been FREAKING OUT about a trivial fat gain on my butt. they were saying things like ‘that butt’s fake,’ and then giving me a nightmare tonight where i was in the bathroom with a couple of little boys (younger than ten) and i had to urinate, but i was wearing very tight shorts and i ‘could not get them off’ according to the dialogue of the dream, and so i was trying to urinate through my pants while leaving them on. they were being very ‘negative’ about it according to the twisted behavior of insulting somebody because you think they’re attractive. they were telling me i had to lose weight immediately and they were humiliating me and making it seem like my weight would get out of control and i had to take immediate action or it would be a disaster. they kept making comments about how my work pants were getting tighter.

i have had several periods of weight gain in my life. there was always a specific reason. there is no chance whatsoever that my weight will ‘get out of control’ or any other (sexual connotation) thing that they are suggesting.

when i woke up i took pictures of myself (and deleted them) just to prove that there was nothing wrong. i can see that it’s true, there is a trivial gain of fat and it is not the end of the world.

my weight changes have always been triggered by 1. using drugs or 2. withdrawing from drugs.

in college i went from about 120 to 145 in the first year. that was the highest i’ve ever been in my life. i definitely was fatter and i was aware of it. that happened for several reasons. first, i had been using birth control pills just before i went to college, and then i suddenly stopped using the pills. a sudden hormone change could trigger a sudden weight gain, i think. second, i started eating in the cafeteria at school, and i was drinking whole milk with every meal. i never drank whole milk at home – we had 2% milk – and at home i didn’t routinely drink glasses of milk with every meal. and they were just big meals and i didn’t have to be the one who cooked them. and, not only that, but i had problems at home, where mom stopped cooking, and i didn’t feel comfortable using the kitchen because it was her territory, and so i never got anything to eat and i actually was starving for a while. in fact, i remember doing an experimental ‘diet’ (even though i didn’t need one) where i would just eat less food off the plate, i would just stop eating early, before all the food was gone, and i lost a couple pounds and went down to 115, and i was also riding my bike long distances at that time (a couple miles, not really far).

the college weight disappeared very quickly as soon as i stopped drinking a glass of whole milk with every meal. quitting milk was the number one thing that got rid of the fat. i have observed since then that if i buy ice cream and eat it frequently, then i gain fat over a couple weeks, and i notice a slight fat gain on the very first day after eating the ice cream. i don’t know if this is because the milk contains bovine growth hormone?

so over the next few years i was usually around 130, and over the past couple years, i have dropped down to around 120. if i got rid of all the weight-loss poisons in my house, i might range around the upper 120s again or the low 130s. but it is definitely connected with drugs and with milk in particular. and i notice weight changes frequently if i’ve used sjw, and then withdrawn for a couple days. the fat is always brief and temporary and it goes away quickly.

the insulting/degrading/sexual message that i was getting from the attackers this morning, and the nightmare, was a feeling of panic, sexual excitement, fear that somebody else would ‘get’ me, fear that my weight would drastically increase and yet they’re sort of wishing that it would do that, since i’ve said that it always stays within a certain range and it never goes above that; and they were telling me that i had ‘no idea’ what i looked like, that i was extremely attractive, and it was a panicking feeling of urgency or a fear that something would happen, that i would gain too much or lose too much, that i would change, that too many guys would think i was attractive, etc. it was a degrading, sex-object type of message and they wanted to humiliate me and make me ashamed about my very trivial weight gain and they wanted to make me terrified that i was going to become unattractive.

the other thing in the dream and in the voices was that they want me to pee my pants and smell like urine all the time. that was happening back whenever i wouldn’t do the laundry because it always spread the contamination onto everything, and so i was actually buying new clothes instead of washing them. i would wear the same clothes for as long as i could, then throw them in the garbage. that included underwear and socks. so i wore the same underwear long enough that it would have smelled like urine. it’s something that they are now begging me to do deliberately for their sake even though i am no longer just throwing clothes in the garbage. i don’t mind that, except that i would rather do things that REAL PEOPLE want me to do, instead of doing things that ‘voices’ want me to do.

nobody understands how bad it has been for the past couple weeks. here is what happened. i bought the futon that i had thought about getting for a while now. purpose: if the bed is raised off the floor, i can shampoo the carpet and move the bed around, and it won’t be touching the floor; also, if it’s not touching the floor, i can use a blanket on it, and the blanket won’t touch the carpet and get contaminated like every other blanket i have attempted to use; this means i can turn the heat down if i have a blanket; so far, i haven’t been able to do this. originally i had an air mattress which was directly against the carpet, and if i were going to clean the carpet, then moving the air mattress from place to place would just contaminate the underside of the mattress and spread the contamination around.

this is what went wrong with the futon.

in the trunk of my car, during the worst phase of the contamination, i had a bunch of garbage bags full of ‘failed’ laundry. i took the contaminated laundry to the laundromat and, i’m not kidding, i think i put it through at least five washings. i was there for quite a few hours. i washed it over and over. i also used borax, which was a horrible mistake. that added to the various poisons on the clothing. i was hoping it would react with the chemical and oxidize it so that it would be less bioactive. it didn’t work. well, it failed, as i said. i took it out and it was even more toxic than it had been, because of the added borax.

i put the garbage bags full of laundry into the trunk. they began to steam and vaporize because they were still hot from the dryer. the vapors got all over the inside of the trunk. i have touched the carpet back there, and i feel the tickling in my fingers and hands when i touch it. it is the worst poison, the one that makes my heart pound and gives me insomnia. the pounding heart is the most uncomfortable poison that i have, with the exception of the ‘extreme fear / my head feels like a solid block’ poison. not only that, but after i took those laundry bags out of the trunk and set them on the floor in my house, they vaporized all over the house. that was the time when i was wearing a mask to breathe, opening the windows even though it was ice cold, sleeping on the floor in the bathroom, and eventually, going to the homeless shelter, and calling my mom to come up here and help me clean the house.

my new house will have no carpets. it will all be either linoleum or wood, or something. there will be no carpets. i swore that years ago when i was fighting the mange. now with poison contamination i am even MORE certain that there will be absolutely no carpets in my house.

well, before i bought the futon, i spent some time planning how i would bring it home. i touched the carpet in the back of the trunk, and felt that it was tickling my skin and it caused my heart to pound. so i knew i could not put the futon in the trunk. i remember lying in bed thinking and planning how i would bring home the futon, but the criminal assailants were zapping my brain every time i tried to think and plan, and so they prevented me from planning. i told them that there was a reason why i needed to think and plan, and i told them that it was to prevent a contamination problem. they still kept zapping and attacking. this is why i am absolutely certain that they WANT the poison to remain and to continue making me sick.

anyway, i was planning to put the box on top of the car, and tie it with ropes and duct tape. it would be awkward but i was sure i could do it, but i didn’t want anybody watching me struggle to tie it up there. i would have wanted to put it into the trunk. if i had been able to think without being the victim of criminal assault and battery (the criminals would spend the rest of their lives in prison if we counted the attacks – it is a 365 day of the year attack, so the counts of assault and battery would number in the millions, and it would be a life sentence) then i probably would have decided to do something along the lines of maybe putting some plastic down in the back of the trunk. but since i could not think, i was unable to produce that particular plan. so i went there to buy the futon without a very good plan of how i would bring it home.

i knew it could be taken apart into pieces, instead of being kept in the whole large box. the pieces would fit into the trunk. that is what i ended up doing, because the wal-mart employee who helped me bring it out to my car was recommending that i just do that, and actually, i didn’t feel comfortable at all about the idea of tying it up on top of the car, even though i really wanted to avoid the contamination in the back of the trunk. like i said, if i had been physically able to think, in a shielded environment, without being physically assaulted and battered by criminals who should get a life sentence in prison, then i would have probably thought that i could just line the trunk with plastic and put the stuff back in there. the criminals want to keep all of my house toxic and they want my health to be ruined by this poison and they want to guarantee that i never have children. whenever criminals refuse to voluntarily stop attacking you, whenever criminals refuse to voluntarily change their own behavior, then you are forced to put them in prison in order to physically prevent them from initiating force against others and inflicting injury.

as a result, i did put the pieces of the futon into the trunk, and there was no plastic lining or anything. the metal pieces were back there, and the mattress part was put on the front seat of my car. so the metal frame pieces all got covered with poison. i figured that i would be able to wipe them off and clean them. but i ended up assembling the futon with the poison still on it. i have tried to clean parts of it since then. but it is the worst poison – heart pounding, exhaustion, insomnia – and there is a very heavy concentration of it, the heaviest concentration of anything i have right now, since the apartment’s carpets have been shampooed several times, and therefore their concentration has been reduced, but i have done nothing at all to clean the trunk of the car, so it still has its original very toxic concentration of poison from the original severely poisonous bags of laundry.

and now voices are nagging me about things as though i am supposed to just keep living a normal life, even though i have been suffering exhaustion/insomnia/heart pounding for the last couple weeks since i bought the futon.

again, they really do intend for me to die and to remain sick for a long time, and they really do intend to prevent all progress and prevent me from having children or making any progress or achievements in my life at all. it is a life-threatening, life-ruining attack, and they are murderers, who do not mind and do not feel guilty at the actual death of the victims. i told them over and over again that i had a very good reason why i needed to carefully plan and decide how i would bring home this piece of furniture because the trunk was extremely toxic, but they physically attacked me constantly while i was trying to think and plan. so i ended up with no real plan and just did something that i didn’t want to do. the consequence is that the bed is now so toxic that it’s making it impossible for me to do anything at all, and my whole life has completely stopped.

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‘solving the mystery’ is stupid and pointless.

November 27, 2008

i don’t feel like putting tags on this.

that previous post was the sound of antidepressant withdrawal. i’m sick of burdening my friends who are tired of hearing about this stuff so i’m writing over here. the st. john’s wort that got on the carpet on the passenger side evaporates when i have the heat on. i was in the car for hours. i think that might have caused the antidepressant effect, even though the symptoms were unusual and didn’t seem like the normal sjw symptoms. it might not have been caused by contact with mk.

they think that it’s ‘progress’ whenever i pretend to yell in a blog. but that is only a mood and it happens, as i said, with sjw withdrawal or any other antidepressant withdrawal. progress is what you have when you make long-term improvements in the quality of your life. bad moods are not progress.

what happened this morning was a bombardment of whispers carried on the white noise of inhale and exhale. with every breath there were whispers on top of the white noise. there was also music. it happens almost every morning when they wake me up. the whispers were NOT just random words – it wasn’t white noise illusions. i am familiar with the strange illusions you hear if a fan is running or something, and it wasn’t that. it was long, coherent, unique, varying sentences as though someone was speaking or writing. but they only appear on the inhale and exhale, and you stop hearing them when there is no breath.

at the beginning of summer, i was FORCED to write a letter to mk asking for some kind of ‘relationship advice’ or some other bullshit. about mt and pt. it’s something i would never have done, it was useless, stupid, and pointless, and it was forced, and i remember i actually WROTE to him in the letter ‘this is something i don’t normally do,’ etc, and i also was forced to ask him if i could go visit him in person.

that was how he started being forced to believe that i was obsessed with him or something. then, i’m wondering if he was receiving the letters that i wrote to mt, and then he thought they were addressed to him. i don’t know how he could believe that the letters i was writing to mt were substitutable somehow or transferable to him. i was getting voices whispering something every time i sent mt a letter, but now i know what those voices were referring to, and it was mk, not mt.

they can’t imagine how i hate all these little ‘mystery-solving games.’ why don’t they just TELL you who it is that they’re referring to, instead of making you believe it’s mt for months and months and months, and then finally forcing you to go visit mk so that you can ‘solve the mystery’ of what they’ve been referring to for months and months? they kept whispering ‘my stomach expands every time you send me a letter.’ but they put it into the part of my brain that thinks about mt. they tried to force it to feel as though it was associated with mt. then i visit mk, and i find out, finally, after all this time, why they keep whispering the phrase ‘my stomach expands when…’ whatever. and i wasn’t sending HIM any letters! i was forced to send him the ‘relationship advice/request to visit you in person’ idiotic letter, but after that, all my letters were to MT, not mk. why would mk have believed i was sending him letters? i still think somebody might have just re-addressed them to him. i don’t jump to conclusions about these things, and it could still have any interpretation.

it was the original ‘can i visit you’ letter that led him to start believing that i was obsessed with going to see him and obsessed with visiting him and meeting him. *i* wasn’t obsessed. instead, i was being forced to hear voices constantly! ‘being obsessed’ and ‘being the victim of assault and battery’ are two entirely different things!!! and the voices were given the overall feeling, the overall emotions, of being associated with mt – they were viewed as pleasant feelings towards someone i really liked, and i interpreted the unexplained sentences as having to do with mt. obviously, that was all forced, and apparently someone believes that people are totally interchangeable, if all you do is force somebody to feel an emotion that was supposed to be directed at one person, and then fill them with ideas that have to do with another person, and then transfer it over to the other person whenever you ‘solve the mystery’ of who they’ve been whispering about. apparently, i’m supposed to just KEEP ON feeling those same fake emotions that were associated with those ‘obsessive’ voices all this time, even though the person it refers to has now been changed from mt to mk.

i’m remembering what happened, when i made a comment to mk about how i tended to make eye contact with people, when he was talking about going to a bar and trying to make eye contact, and talking about game players. it was after that that i was forced to start asking ‘relationship advice’ in email to him. the mere fact that i REQUESTED to go visit him in person caused him to believe that i was now obsessed and in love with him. it gave him something to hope for. meanwhile, someone might have been thinking ‘i have to force her to try to go meet him in person so that she will have a realistic mental image of him…. oops, he refused, oh well, i tried….. ooops, the request led him to fantasize about being visited… oops, the request led him to believe she was obsessed and in love with him…. oops, now he’s obsessed with her even more than he otherwise would have been.’ oops, the consequences of initiating force against people in order to make them do things they would not have otherwise done. if it had all been left alone, i would have dropped it. nothing would have happened at all.

i don’t know if the mere fact of having a female who read his blog regularly would have been sufficient to make him feel like he was in love with me.

and i have no proof that he took the emails intended for mt. he might have, but i don’t have TECHNICAL proof of it. in fact, i STILL don’t even know for sure if mt really didn’t receive the emails.

this is why i keep fighting against the voices who force – or try to force – me to say certain sentences, to try to force me to go talk to people, in an unnatural way. i have known communication skills for decades – i was reading about communication skills when i was a teenager. i don’t need somebody recommending what i ought to say to somebody whenever a problem needs to be solved! the nvc was something i hadn’t heard of before… but i could argue that even THAT is somewhat familiar, as it resembles nathaniel branden’s writings about how you separate facts/observations from emotions/interpretations. it’s not EXACTLY the same, but it’s similar. nvc is still useful and i’m not dismissing it. but that’s irrelevant anyway, because when people are forcing me to speak, they’re not even using nvc! they’re usually using the ‘interrogation tactics’ approach.

why interrogation doesn’t work:

the whole interrogation mindset, that whole way of looking at things, that entire approach, is WRONG. they keep trying to force me to use the interrogation approach to confronting and questioning people, in this whole ‘mystery-solving game’ that they’re playing.

the interrogation approach goes like this.

1. some kind of conflict or misunderstanding or problem occurs.

2. somebody hides it or lies about it. you assume immediately that somebody somewhere is hiding something and lying about something. OF COURSE, it’s INEVITABLE that RIGHT AWAY people are ASSUMED to be hiding, lying, concealing things. begin at the beginning, and assume that of course, people are lying. and their lies are the MOST IMPORTANT factor in this whole scenario. we must FOCUS ON the fact that people are telling lies or evasions or refusing to say things or refusing to give us information we want. in other words they want me to behave as though i work for the military and this is guantanamo. THE WHOLE APPROACH IS DESTRUCTIVE AND INEFFECTIVE FOR RESOLVING CONFLICTS. anyway, from the beginning, you ASSUME that somebody KNOWS IMPORTANT ‘INFORMATION’ that must be found. the phenomenon of ‘knowing important information’ or ‘having important knowledge’ is the central focus, the central way of looking at things. that is NOT the way that i view reality! i don’t view reality in terms of ‘who knows what’ or ‘somebody somewhere knows something important, and i need to get that information from them, by force if “necessary,”‘ even though there is no such thing as “necessary,” and they ALWAYS ASSUME that OF COURSE it’s “necessary” to use force to get information from people, not just force, but threats, and a demanding/commanding tone of voice and style of speech. you go up to someone and CONFRONT them in a strong, bullying way, COMMANDING them to do what you want, ORDERING them to tell you this information, and this is supposed to be a commonplace, everyday way of dealing with conflicts and problems? in normal, mundane situations? or even with ‘enemy combatants?’ so, every conflict and problem is viewed as a ‘mystery’ that needs to be ‘solved’ by ‘finding’ some piece of ‘information’ that somebody somewhere ‘knows’ and is ‘hiding’ or ‘lying’ about. those are all the concepts. every single word that’s in quotation marks is a central concept that is FLAWED and needs to be viewed in a totally different way. it is an entire worldview different from the way that i view things. what is ‘information?’ why is it important? what does it mean? how is it relevant to resolving conflicts? why must somebody always be assumed to be hiding/lying about this so-called ‘information?’

3. next, begin interrogations. ask people questions in a bullying, commanding, demanding tone of voice. TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO KNOW! TELL ME THIS PIECE OF ‘INFORMATION’ THAT I KNOW YOU HAVE! TELL ME THIS PIECE OF INFORMATION THAT YOU’RE LYING ABOUT! every sentence they speak is evaluated as either true or false. are they lying? are they lying? are they lying? are they lying? over and over again. every sentence is methodically examined and analyzed to find out whether somebody is lying. THAT IS NOT THE WAY THAT I GO ABOUT THINGS!!!! CAN YOU EVEN CONCEIVE OF A UNIVERSE WITH A TOTALLY DIFFERENT WORLDVIEW!!! WHAT PART OF ‘THAT IS NOT HOW I DO THINGS’ DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND??? so it’s all about asking questions. you assume that there is some kind of thing called an ‘answer’ or a ‘piece of information’ that you MUST FIND OUT. then, you must proceed to the ‘next’ piece of ‘information’ in the ‘sequence.’ (everything in quotes is a questionable concept. what does that word mean? what alternatives are there?)

4. keep doing things until somebody gives you the answer that you already expected ahead of time. who cares if it’s really true. who cares if it represents any actual reality. who cares if it really happened. who cares if it’s what they would have told you freely if you had asked it in an open manner. who cares if it’s relevant or useful. who cares if it accomplishes any purpose.

THE ALTERNATIVE APPROACH, or what i personally need to do in this situation.

rebuild trust. i lost a relationship that was important to me, the relationship with mt. i would like to continue that relationship. rebuilding/continuing that relationship is my GOAL, my PURPOSE, my reason for doing things, the motive behind all of my actions. all of my actions are to be evaluated in terms of WHETHER OR NOT THEY ACCOMPLISH THAT GOAL.

i don’t CARE about the ‘pieces of information’ about ‘what happened’ in the ‘past.’ instead i want to ‘MOVE FORWARD’ with a ‘CONTINUING RELATIONSHIP’ based on ‘TRUST.’ i could go the rest of my life, NEVER UNDERSTANDING THE EXACT DETAILS OF THE EVENTS THAT OCCURRED THIS SUMMER AND THE PAST FEW MONTHS!!!!! CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE THAT UNIVERSE! let’s call it sweeping everything under the rug. pretend none of it ever happened. who cares about the details. who cares who did what. brush it all aside. shrug it off. let it all be a mess. let the ‘mystery’ remain unsolved. let’s just go on with things. CAN YOU EVEN CONCEIVE OF SUCH A UNIVERSE!

can you even imagine what it might be like, to TOLERATE UNKNOWN INFORMATION?

guess what, somewhere in the universe, there’s a molecule. and it’s doing something secretly behind your back, and you don’t know about it. if only you knew what that molecule was secretly doing behind your back, then you would finally know the answer to all the mysteries of the universe.

do you even know what i mean when i say that somebody else has a totally different worldview? a whole different approach. a whole different set of goals and values. other ways of doing things. other priorities. other things that are more important.

imagine this universe (and squirm, because i know that this idea is unbearable to you!)

1. who cares which person stole the emails?
2. who cares if mt might have really received the emails, and ignored them?
3. who cares whether mt sent me any emails or not, that i didn’t receive?
4. who cares about the rejected facebook friend request?
5. who cares whether or not the emails were stolen/interfered with?
6. who cares whether the emails reached their intended recipients?
7. who cares about the particular content that was written in the emails anyway? after all, IT WAS FORCED! IT WAS A PUPPET SHOW! WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE WHAT ONE PUPPETEER HAS TO SAY TO ANOTHER PUPPETEER! THAT’S NOT EVEN *MY* WORDS AND FEELINGS IN THE GODDAMN EMAILS! IT WAS ONE PUPPET SHOW SPEAKING TO ANOTHER PUPPET SHOW! so honestly, i don’t even give a shit if mt reads those emails; i don’t give a shit about ‘forwarding’ the emails to him so that he can get the opportunity to read something written by criminals and forced for me to type to him, instead of my own words!

imagine you go the rest of your life, not knowing and not caring, about who stole which emails, who spoke which encrypted puppeteer words, which grammatical error contained which hidden symbols, is this even conceivable to you???

are you beginning to understand the reason why i fight against you when you force words into my mouth? over and over, every day, you force me to take the ‘interrogation’ approach. you assume that there are pieces of ‘information’ that i must ‘obtain’ in order to ‘understand’ something. BUT I DON’T EVEN GIVE A SHIT ABOUT UNDERSTANDING ANYTHING! I CARE ABOUT REBUILDING TRUST! I CARE ABOUT CONTINUING A RELATIONSHIP! THOSE THINGS DO NOT NECESSARILY REQUIRE ‘HAVING’ EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF ‘INFORMATION!’

and no, when i say they are forcing words into my mouth, i mean like a puppet, forcing the words from within as though i am supposed to speak those words.

let’s get back to what i was saying. every day you force these words into the muscles of my tongue and voicebox and my nerve cells and whatever is necessary to force somebody to feel as though they are speaking subvocal speech. that is what is happening every day. and i am supposed to ‘practice’ saying those things, and then i’m supposed to go ‘confront’ somebody in reality and actually speak those sentences that i spent all day long ‘practicing,’ for instance, during the hours and hours that i spend at work, doing dishes, and packaging food, and everything else that i’m doing while they force me to practice the puppet sentences.

every day i fight against that, and i tell them over and over again that their entire approach is wrong, that i wouldn’t speak those words, that it’s useless, that it’s the wrong thing to do to accomplish the goal, that those ‘questions’ and ‘commands’ and ‘demands’ are the wrong approach to use and they are irrelevant to what i am trying to accomplish!

*********

let’s imagine this whole situation happened differently. i’m going to assume a couple of explanations.

imagine that for some reason, i was idiotic enough on my own to spontaneously, voluntarily try to start a relationship with mk (by writing emails to him asking him if i could go visit him, and asking him for relationship advice), while simultaneously meeting mt, who i really, really liked a lot, who i was, and am, really attracted to, who i met in person and saw in reality, whose writing style i enjoyed, and his voice, and his physical appearance, and his overall aura, and his way of thinking, and his emotional expressions, and everything about him overall – and i already had met mt in person and was interacting with him, but for some reason, i just happened to mysteriously be a total moron, and i stupidly started writing to mk in email at exactly the same time that i was developing a ‘new and vulnerable’ relationship that had barely even started yet. for some reason, let’s imagine i was spontaneously stupid enough to do that.

so then, since i was stupid enough to simultaneously try to start meeting mk in person instead of just reading his blog, sending him emails requesting to go visit him and requesting advice from him about a new relationship that i was just starting, and stupid enough to start ‘flirting’ with him and leading him to believe that i wanted to become obsessed with him and have a relationship with him instead of this guy who i really liked and had actually met in person and who was and is very important to me, imagine that i was spontaneously idiotic enough to do this on my own, without being forced, because i’m a total moron who has NO CLUE how to go about having any sane, healthy human relationships.

let’s imagine that i was stupid enough to start trying to meet these two guys at the same time, even though, in reality, i actually would have focused ALL OF MY ENERGY ON MT, and the rest of the world would have ceased to exist. that is what would have really happened in reality. but let’s imagine i’m really that stupid. so i started trying to develop this in-person relationship with faraway blog author mk at the same time, even though i ALREADY HAD this very attractive new friend who i wanted to get to know better, whose company i wanted to enjoy.

okay. wow, what a stupid thing for me to do! gosh darn it, i can’t believe i made such a stupid mistake. oops, the other guy got jealous! for some strange reason, mk, the faraway guy who i had never met in person, unexpectedly got jealous of the attractive guy who i got to see at work every day! wow, i wish i had thought of that in the first place! if only i had thought of that in the first place, maybe this would never have happened! oh no, what do i do now?

oh no, the faraway jealous guy is intercepting my emails to my co-worker! wow, i never would have imagined such a thing could possibly happen! if only i hadn’t been such a stupid moron and simultaneously started writing letters to mk requesting to GO VISIT HIM AND MEET HIM IN PERSON, AND TALKING ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AND MARRIAGE AND WHO I’M DATING AND WHO HE’S DATING AND GOD KNOWS WHAT, because i’m a total idiot who doesn’t know how to focus all of my universe upon mt, which is what i would have done IN REALITY.

oh no, now we have a ‘mystery’ to ‘solve!’ suddenly, i have to ‘find out’ ‘who’ it is that has those emails! (‘who’ is in quotation marks also, because that person’s identity isn’t responsible for taking these actions, but instead, the whole thing is a puppet show, so he’s not even the person ‘who’ took those actions.)

wow, this was all so unexpected! if only i hadn’t been so stupid as to suddenly and unexpectedly and inexplicably start writing letters to mk asking if i could visit him and asking him about relationships, even though i was already busy enjoying the company of this new person who i had just met who i was very interested in! if only i hadn’t done that, then maybe he wouldn’t have started thinking he was in love with me, and getting jealous of the co-worker who i could see in person, and stealing the emails (which i have no proof of).

oh well. it happened. i guess the best thing for me to do now is INTERROGATE SOMEBODY!!!!

but no, that’s not what i was trying to write about. i was writing about this, assuming that i’m a complete moron who made an innocent mistake out of sheer, total, hopeless stupidity and incompetence. for some idiotic reason i started trying to start a relationship with faraway mk at the same time that i was starting a relationship with in-person mt, even though i didn’t need that.

now what do i do?

considering the fact that i’m a complete moron, i guess i will just sit here and flounder helplessly until somebody comes in to rescue me. but that’s not the scenario that i’m writing about. however, that’s apparently what the puppeteers believe that i require. i require their help, because i am a clueless, helpless, incompetent moron who needs to be rescued, since i’m not smart enough to solve problems or deal with conflicts on my own. oh, i’m so grateful and thankful for the fact that the government and the military have infiltrated the email accounts of the entire united states! thank goodness for them! if they hadn’t done that, then i would not have been able to ‘acquire’ the ‘crucial pieces of information’ that i ‘need’ in order to ‘solve’ this ‘mystery!’

i know who can help me! the military! they’re spying on everyone’s computers and emails! (or, if not the military, then at least, some sociopath who behaves exactly like a military person, or a mafia member, or an organized crime gang. as morpheous once said, ‘you all look the same to me.’)

someone in some office somewhere is spying on the mundane emails of ordinary people in the united states, and not only that, but pulling the puppet strings to make them do stupid, idiotic, self-destructive things that they would never be dumb enough to do. spying on the trivial, mundane, day-to-day emails of ordinary people. with nothing better to do than sit in an office all day long and worry about me and what i’m doing. or rather, what i’m being forced to do.

but let’s imagine this scenario going a little differently. it was a mistake to accidentally start up an in-person relationship with mt, and suddenly getting the bright idea to try simultaneously starting up an in-person relationship with faraway blog author mk. wow, i’m an idiot. what do i do now?

my emails haven’t been received, and i haven’t gotten any emails from mt for a long time, and i’m sad, waaahh waaah. poor little me. if only i hadn’t been so stupid and made this other guy jealous, it wouldn’t have happened. (yes, i agree with you, i also hope they burn in hell, but i’m an atheist, and i don’t believe in hell. ‘they’ as in the criminals who forced this puppet show to happen.) so now mk is intercepting my emails, supposedly, and he’s been intercepting them all summer and all these months, and all autumn, and it just goes on and on and on. and he insists that i should have a relationship with him, and not worry about mt anymore.

well, what should i do to resolve the situation with in-person co-worker mt? my feelings towards him are still what they used to be. the couple of brief conversations and brief interactions we’ve had have consistently given me the feeling that i want to be his friend, at the very least, so i can spend more time with him and get to know him, and hopefully touch him and be close to him.

i’m stepping out of character, out of the scenario here, to mention that yes, ‘it really is nicole.’ (yes, i can write my own first name in retmeishka. googling my first name by itself isn’t very helpful.) it really is nicole who has a feeling of attraction towards mt. that’s not fake, that’s real.

so anyway. what do i do that doesn’t use THE INTERROGATION APPROACH? we’ve already seen what happens when they try to force me, to force words into my mouth, to force me to start interrogating people in order to ‘gather information.’ who knows what? who’s lying? who’s telling the truth? where are those emails? (as if the particular content of the bullshit emails even matters anyway, since most of it was written by force.)

in a calm, relaxed world, without a constant surrounding electromagnetic field artificially distorting all of my emotions and behaviors and thoughts, i would have done something like this.

i probably would have gone right up to him immediately and just had some kind of conversation about it, some relaxed, casual conversation, in which we would have casually, accidentally discovered that neither of us have received any emails from the other, all summer long. ‘oops.’ nobody needed to be ‘interrogated.’ nobody needed to be ‘tested.’ nobody needed to verify each and every statement to find out whether it was a lie or truth. instead, a casual conversation would have made it obvious, immediately, probably DURING THE SUMMERTIME when it had only just begun to happen, during one of his brief visits, that neither of us was receiving emails from the other, and something was wrong.

but no! people can’t possibly solve problems and conflicts on their own! they need the help of SPIES AND INTERROGATORS who will oversee all of the things going on! you couldn’t POSSIBLY just casually solve a problem in a single calm casual conversation, easily and quickly and naturally, with no hassle and no interrogations. that couldn’t happen in the real world!

they prevented us from talking to each other, prevented us from talking about it, forced us to stay away from each other, AND THEN, finally, after months and months of suffering, decided finally that it was okay to MAYBE start some interrogations to find out ‘the truth’ of what had happened.

this has all been a game, for somebody’s entertainment, to waste my time and his, to cause emotional suffering and permanent psychological damage, to distract me from important things i need to do, such as clean the house. if i clean the house, then i won’t be on drugs constantly, so i won’t be as good of a puppet. the end.

the end.

if i clean the house, i won’t be as good of a puppet.

they contaminated the house. they forced me to try growing herbs in the house so that everything would become toxic and i would constantly be on drugs every day without end, so that i would always be a puppet who had no control over my own feelings and emotions and psychological states.

but i am losing the scenario.

the scenario is assuming what i would do to fix this if i really was such a complete moron and brainless idiot that i would voluntarily do the things that they forced me to do.

rebuild trust. start from where we are. move forward. i don’t give a shit about the exact details of who lied to whom, which emails were sent where, which phone calls were or weren’t received by whom, which facebook friend requests were or weren’t ignored for months (and then finally rejected), and so on.

instead of ‘what would jesus do,’ it’s ‘what would nicole do’ or ‘what would i do?’

i would assume trust from the very beginning. something happened, but of course, we still trust each other. all we need to do is communicate. there is a lot of emotional suffering and damage done. something happened, i don’t understand it.

but i didn’t want an ’email relationship’ anyway! do you even understand that! i don’t even really give a shit, in the big scheme of things, about whether or not i’m even able to send and receive emails to and from mt!

emails were necessary for the purpose of communication. we could entertain each other, share our thoughts, keep in contact, get to know each other, express feelings, and make plans for how and when we might be together. emails served a purpose. and he was going to be gone for the summer, so emails weren’t intended to be a permanent center of the relationship, but instead were just something to serve the purpose of communicating over the summertime at the very least. but no, they aren’t necessarily CENTRAL to WHAT OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH EACH OTHER *IS*.

so why would i even give a shit about interrogating whose emails went where, and give a shit about the particular puppeteered content contained in those fake emails anyway?

email had a PURPOSE. why would i even care about looking at the PAST for a purpose i don’t even need anymore?

i’d like to find out what kind of relationship he would like to have with me, starting now, starting where we are. something happened, but it’s NOT URGENT for us to understand all of the exact details of what happened and why. he might tell me more about it sometime in the future. maybe he will, maybe he won’t. maybe i don’t care. maybe i don’t EVER need to know. maybe i will go all the way to my GRAVE not understanding the exact details of the ‘mystery’ that went on! are you getting the idea! THIS IS NOT IMPORTANT TO ME! THE *RELATIONSHIP* IS IMPORTANT! THE EXACT DETAILS OF THE ‘MYSTERY’ ARE *NOT* IMPORTANT!!!!

so they made this thing happen that i would be forced to go visit mk in person so that i could ‘solve the mystery’ of who was probably stealing the emails. but that is nothing more than a ‘profiling’ type of ‘evidence,’ which isn’t even real evidence. i have a profile of somebody whose behavior suggests he might have possibly been motivated to do this. but who gives a shit! do i even give a shit about who stole which emails! THEY FORCED ME TO GO MEET MK IN ORDER TO ‘SOLVE THE MYSTERY,’ WHEN I DON’T EVEN GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ‘SOLVING THE MYSTERY!’ and not only that, but i am still not CONVINCED that i have the ‘culprit,’ BECAUSE I REQUIRE DIRECT EVIDENCE!

if somebody hadn’t been forcing words into my mouth, i probably would have casually mentioned to mt, months and months ago, that i hadn’t gotten emails and he would have said neither did he. the end. but all the forcing, and the artificial speech, and the forced interrogation speeches, all day long, for hours and hours and hours, while i’m at work, ‘practicing’ in the hopes that i will walk up to him at the end of the day while i’m leaving, and actually say those practiced sentences out loud. all that ‘practicing’ totally overrides and interferes with my real way of doing things, which is TO NOT GIVE A SHIT!!! AND THEN CASUALLY MENTION IT AND SOLVE THE WHOLE PROBLEM INSTANTANEOUSLY WITH THE LEAST AMOUNT OF HASSLE!

this is the level of stupidity that they live in. there was some kind of research or psychological experiment where they discovered something that everybody knows already. they ‘discovered,’ at taxpayer expense of course, that if somebody practices an imagined scenario in their mind, ahead of time, then it’s more likely that they will be able to go out in reality and actually do the practiced scenario, and succeed. the end. something we already know.

well, the psychotronics people decided to interpret it this way. if you FORCE somebody to see a hyper-realistic mental hallucination of acting out some scenario, in a dream or a vision, and the clearer the better, with hyper-realistic details and sounds and smells and images and physical sensations and emotions and everything, then supposedly, you’re ‘more likely’ to go out and re-enact that in reality.

they did that to me before. it was the stupidest thing i’ve ever seen and i can’t believe they actually expected it to work.

they think that if they hypnotize you to robotically and automatically do something, in a passive way, then you’re able to do it in real life afterwards. but they don’t understand how to activate FREE WILLso that you’re choosing on your own what you will or won’t do – AND THOSE CHOICES *MUST* ALWAYS INCLUDE THE CHOICE OF *DO NOTHING AT ALL*. in other words, laissez faire, no interference, no control. let them do what they do.

that’s not how it works at all, the ‘passive hypnotized robot experiencing a vivid hallucination.’ the experience of controlling your own mind, practicing an imagined scenario ahead of time according to your own interpretations and beliefs, making your own choices, asking your own questions, is a completely different universe, a completely different experience, it’s something subtle and artful. it is AN ART FORM. it is something they can’t imitate. they can’t make a fake version of it, because THEY live in the ‘INTERROGATION-STYLE UNIVERSE’ which has a completely different way of doing things and a completely different way of interacting.

*******

i am going to counter-argue you with your ‘what if mt is lying’ bullshit. what if mt is lying! oh no! i would be humiliated! he got away with lying to me! what if i assume he’s trustworthy but instead it turns out he’s a liar! oh no! the end of the universe!

i give him a note. the note tells him a couple of important pieces of information. (that’s still in the ‘pieces of information’ paradigm, which is not my own. but nevertheless.)

oh no! what if he already knows that information! what if he’s been hacking my computer all along! what if he received all the emails and ignored them! oh no, it would be really stupid and embarrassing and humiliating if i were to accidentally give him a note that told him about my blog, etc, and it turned out that he was lying about everything all along! how awful! it would be the end of the universe!

no, it wouldn’t. big deal, i would tell him something he already knows. the end. and the universe remains the way it is.

rule number one: telling him something he might possibly already know is no big deal. there is nothing wrong with it, there’s nothing terrible about it, there’s nothing humiliating about it, it’s not the end of the universe. i don’t have to second-guess him and try to figure out ahead of time whether he might or might not already have hacked my computer, already have read my blog, already have received my emails. DO YOU UNDERSTAND! I DON’T NEED TO HAVE THAT ‘INFORMATION’ AHEAD OF TIME IN ORDER TO TAKE ACTION! I CAN TAKE ACTION PERFECTLY WELL WITHOUT KNOWING THAT! all i need to do is tell him a ‘piece of information’ (in the ‘giving and receiving pieces of crucial information paradigm/universe’) that he MIGHT ALREADY HAVE! OH NO! THE HUMILIATION! HE ALREADY KNOWS SOMETHING I TOLD HIM!!!! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN AHEAD OF TIME WHAT HE DOES AND DOESN’T ALREADY KNOW, TO PREVENT THE REDUNDANCY OF TELLING HIM SOMETHING HE ALREADY KNOWS, SO I HAVE TO READ HIS MIND AND I HAVE TO ‘SOLVE THE MYSTERY’ BEFORE I EVEN *TRY* TO TALK TO HIM AT ALL OR JUST GIVE HIM A FUCKING NOTE!

no. in the real world, in ordinary circumstances, you just go up to someone, in casual conversations, and you find things out accidentally, and sometimes, people tell lies, sometimes trivial and unimportant lies by accident, and it doesn’t matter because they’re trivial and unimportant. and you just sweep them aside and go on with life even though you haven’t analyzed each and every single tiny piece of information for truth or lies. most of the time, you IGNORE the details of things that somebody might or might not have said or done in some trivial past conversations. you just MOVE FORWARD and continue having more conversations and gradually you get to know each other and trust each other. you do NOT, for instance, record the content of every single telephone call and then analyze each and every sentence looking for hidden meanings and important implications, which then have to be brought up later on and straightened out, or looking for tiny mistakes, or lies, or misunderstandings, all of which have to be collected and analyzed and brought up later on so that each and every tiny detail can be fixed.

an example: do i even give a shit whether he lied or told me the truth about not playing video games? the answer is no, i do not give a shit. he could lie to me about the capital of brazil, he could lie to me about the exact date that world war 2 began, he could lie to me about the name of the actor who played the leading role in gone with the wind. I…. DON’T…. CARE!!! do you get the idea that there are some things that are so trivial, I DON’T CARE IF HE LIED OR NOT!

in the real world, you tolerate imperfection. you tolerate uncertainty. you tolerate mistakes. you tolerate small lies about unimportant things. you tolerate overlooked details. you tolerate forgetting. are you getting the idea?

whenever something is VERY IMPORTANT, you can tell that someone is lying because of the actions that they take in a series of events. you continue interacting with that person and you simply observe what they do or don’t do. over a period of months and years, you get to know that person, you know their character, you know an overall impression of them, you know in a general way what matters to them and what they care about. if they tell the truth or lie about some big, important, fundamental, huge issue that actually matters, then EVENTUALLY YOU ARE GOING TO *NOTICE* IT without even bothering with all the analyzing and telephone-conversation-recording and interrogating and questioning and psychotronic mind-reading and months and months of physical/psychological torture and ‘testing’ and abuse and violence and assault and battery to find out whether i’m ‘human’ or not!!!

just assume that, most of the time, most people are telling the truth. if they hide something, they have reasons why. there’s such a thing as ‘none of your business.’ there are only a few crucial situations where it really matters to analyze who is lying to whom about what. i would want to be very careful, for instance, if i trusted him with a million dollars of my own money and he was responsible for the bookkeeping, and i was losing money and i needed to find out what the problem was. that kind of thing. but trivial lies about stupid things like whether or not he plays video games are SO UNIMPORTANT that i am going to just FORGET ABOUT THEM.

let me give another example. i hate it when people ask me the question ‘how are you doing?’ as a greeting. i’m just not used to it. i don’t like to automatically answer ‘fine!’ in a fake cheerful tone of voice. number one, it’s none of their business how i’m doing. they don’t actually care. they’re not actually going to give me any help if i need help. if i have a problem, if i’m sick, they’re not going to do anything to make my life easier. if i’m having money problems, if i’m in a bad mood, if there is some disaster or crisis going on in my life, those people don’t give a shit and they’re not going to do anything at all to help me or get involved. so they ask me how i’m doing. and i hate that question.

so i get flustered, and don’t know how to answer. how much of the truth should i tell them? have i even taken the time to THINK ABOUT how i’m doing today? just how AM i doing? i don’t really know the answer to that! what does the question even MEAN? does it mean, what mood am i in? okay. tired and grouchy. but is that supposed to elicit sympathy? are they supposed to say ‘aww, i’m sorry you’re feeling tired and grouchy today?’ no! if i cared about their sympathy, i would have walked up to them directly and informed them, ‘guess what, i’m feeling tired and grouchy today.’ i didn’t go up to them seeking sympathy. instead, they came up to me and sought the opportunity to offer me some unwanted sympathy about how tired and grouchy i’m feeling, without even offering any real, practical help to solve the problem of WHY i’m feeling so tired and grouchy! so i don’t like to even bother with the question ‘how are you doing?’ i HATE that greeting.

so i usually get confused and end up telling some weird, twisted, strange, random lie. and it depends on the situation. if a grouchy, irritable person asks me ‘how are you doing?’ i’m going to answer, ‘wow, it’s a really rotten day, today sucks, i’m having a lousy time, i hate work, i want to go home.’ and then, if a cheerful person comes up to me five minutes later and asks, ‘how are you doing?’ in a happy, cheerful voice, i’m going to say ‘wonderful! it’s the best day of my life! i hope this day never ends!’ because it’s all bullshit and it’s all meaningless and i hate that question. i just tell them something they expect to hear, something that sounds like how THEY are feeling. it has nothing to do with how i’m doing, which can never be summed up in ten words or less.

to me, ‘how are you doing?’ means, i want to know what’s going on in your life, and i intend to help you solve those problems or do what needs to be done, and i intend to give you some kind of support to make your life easier, and i want to know what it is that you need me to do right now, today, to help you. that’s what ‘how are you doing?’ means to me. it means active involvement in my life. this seems trivial to everybody else and they never even stopped to think about whether ‘how are you doing?’ means ‘I ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT HOW YOU’RE DOING!’ to them, ‘how are you doing’ means ‘let’s gossip about the weather.’ that is not what ‘how are you doing’ means in my language.

i’m posting this. it’s one of those blogs that could never end if i just kept writing.

they thought i was supposed to be HAPPY about this?

November 26, 2008

11:21 AM 11/26/08

now that i understand who’s been stealing my emails – probably – although i don’t have DIRECT evidence, but rather, circumstantial evidence or ‘profiling’ type evidence – now that i SUSPECT a person who’s been reading my emails, – not necessarily stealing them or preventing them from going to ‘mt’, as i’ll call him, if i post this on retmeishka –

at the very least, i now know who it is that the voices have been referring to when they’ve said certain things all along. ‘mk’ as i’ll call him is the one they’ve been talking about when they’ve said that someone is fantasizing about marrying me and having kids, etc. mt is not dumb enough to be thinking those things because HE HAS A LIFE, A NORMAL LIFE, WITH FRIENDS. he is not someone who has a social disorder, and yes, i feel compassionate about that – but i feel ANGRY that someone tried to give me mk as a substitute for mt, and I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY ABOUT IT! it DOES seem more believable that mk would fantasize about marrying me and having kids, even though we didn’t know each other at all, because i was someone who has shown him ‘real human emotion,’ as he said to me, and yes, that is actually true, i do like him but I DO NOT ACCEPT HIM AS A ‘SUBSTITUTE’ FOR MT, AND NOT ONLY THAT, a substitute for something else – i’ll explain in a minute – and that i was forced to do all these things and I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ***HAPPY*** ABOUT IT!!!

and THEY FORCED ME to write a letter to mk asking if i could go meet him. i would never have done that. they forced me to do it at the same time that they were forcing me to say certain things to mt. all of it, all of the stupid, idiotic things in the beginning were forced.

i know what mk is supposed to represent. when i did the judith swack therapy i told her i had a sexual fetish. she didn’t ask me to explain out loud what it was – if i recall correctly – i’m not sure now – i don’t think i ever told her specifically what it was. but here is what happened. after i told her that, THEY interfered in my sexual fantasies, and prevented me from imagining the fantasy character i used to imagine. that was supposed to ‘fix’ my ‘problem’ of having a fetish, when the fetish was actually harmless and didn’t need to be ‘fixed.’

the voices kept telling me that they had ‘found my dragon.’ he was supposed to represent the taken-away fantasy character that they ruined back when they prevented me from fantasizing about my fetish. that was because he swallows air, and i was supposed to get off on that because it’s similar to binge eating. no, i don’t get off on it. i do not actually DO the fetish in reality – it was something i used to fantasize about in the past. if i am going to ‘find a dragon’ then i would do it myself and not be forced to go meet some person who was supposed to be a substitute for the OTHER guy who i HAD already met in person and was trying to talk to.

not only that, but the STUPIDITY of their deciding that i was supposed to choose this particular moment to stop bleaching my whiskers, and that mt was supposed to be happy about THAT. and yes, i intend to continue leaving the whiskers the way they are, but I AM NOT EXPECTING MT TO BE HAPPY ABOUT IT! i expect him to have a similar reaction to my own – that he would not have tried to go about this in that particular way, and he would have done whatever HE chose to do, in his own time and his own way.

the stupidity of all the things they have done, all these decisions they’ve made, all these actions they’ve taken – and we’re supposed to LIKE this situation that they ‘gave’ us in order to make us happy?

all along, they were putting voices in my head telling me things that were actually about mk. but i couldn’t help thinking they were talking about mt. did they KNOW that i was misdirecting, misinterpreting those thoughts as being about mt? apparently not, or else they didn’t care who i interpreted them to be about. why couldn’t they just TELL me that those whispers were referring to mk? then i wouldn’t be misdirecting delusions towards mt, who had nothing to do with any of those thoughts and beliefs.

mt is now a person WHO I DON’T KNOW AT ALL. i read his journal, but i wasn’t supposed to just merely be reading his journal – WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ***EMAILING*** EACH OTHER! WE HAD A REAL INTERACTION WITH EACH OTHER! WE ENJOYED CONVERSING IN EMAIL! AND THAT WAS TAKEN AWAY FROM ME! and i was supposed to be HAPPY about some totally different guy that they gave me as a SUBSTITUTE for him, a substitute for someone who i REALLY WAS starting to develop a friendship with, someone who i was and am attracted to.

if they thought that all of these things were a good decision, then THEY CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE how wrong they are. and they can’t imagine how angry i am about this. they can’t imagine the contempt i feel about their decisions and the actions they have taken. and i’m supposed to be HAPPY about all this?

and no, my reactions to meeting mk would not have been like this, except for the fact that i now know who it is they’ve been lying about and manipulating me about, all this time, and that i was supposed to be happy about that.

and meanwhile, people are pissed off because i semi-jokingly, semi-seriously said ‘project network corrupt.’ now they’re pissed off because i’m still using the internet after having made that statement! and because i’m still blogging. they took it as a command to actually start something, which wasn’t what i meant! it was for me personally because of having had all my emails redirected, and/or ignored by the recipient.

i am writing on retmeishka because i’m sure my friends are sick of hearing about all of this, this evil, this stupidity, this obsessiveness, the idiotic things being done day after day.

what’s up with grains of rice?

November 23, 2008

that came from the description of the looters in either Atlas Shrugged or The Fountainhead.  the idea was that even if everybody is poor and has nothing that anyone can steal, the looters will still take the last grain of rice from them, and still collect a million grains of rice.

no matter what

November 14, 2008

there will be someone who agrees with you,
not just about them
but about you.
agrees about what’s important
and what’s real.

i’m sorry about the future that i saw.
do not tell me to wake up
tell it to them
they don’t know what they’ve destroyed.

instead of one grain of rice
stolen from each person,
they would have a world full of rice
freely shared and no need to steal it.
they have no vision.

and i know what i saw
and i won’t forget that
no matter what they say

everything you saw was true

November 13, 2008

poison words from without
vindicated, his gesture was not to you but to them
he did not see you

everything you saw was true

they take a grain of rice
from each person
and have a million grains of rice

they will have you scratching in the soil for food
not because you want to
but because you have to
while they wipe out who you are
and that is what i see

wrong

November 13, 2008

you shouldn’t have to be sad
to be you.

i know all of it is real
and whoever you are,
you are someplace else,
and i won’t find you.

they are wrong about everything,
especially about what they’ve lost
by killing you.

wrong especially about what they’ve lost-

that if one person is happier than another person
kill them? wrong about that. or healthier,
or not suffering,
or whatever they see.

they don’t know anything
they don’t know progress
they don’t know acceptance
they don’t know success
they don’t know change.

everything you and i know
is nothing to them

time passes,
every day without a life,
they did kill you,
the time does not come back.

they’re wrong about what they’ve lost.