Archive for September, 2015

I’ve stopped blogging and reading the net now that I’m playing Terraria

September 29, 2015

I can sometimes get the mouse clicking thing to work properly, but I am not entirely sure what is causing it to suddenly start working. I don’t know if I can always fix it or not. But it’s been working the last couple times I’ve played it. And now, I am obsessively playing the game for extremely long periods of time.

The one problem I’m having is, I need to stop dying. I’ve been exploring long distances, dying, and being transported back to the beginning. I’m starting to go long enough distances that it’s a nuisance to get back to where I was. I’m going to have to figure out how to defend myself and heal myself better so that I can stop dying and having to go all the way back.

I’m back in town now, in State College. I got a bigger tent today because the one I have is so small that I just can’t function in it, and Jacob and I don’t have enough room – I always have to lean over him or crawl over him when he’s in there. And now it won’t stop raining today.

I’m about to go home but I was sitting here at McD playing Terraria for hours while my laptop recharged. It was working properly so it was even easier to play.

But yeah, now that I’m playing this game, I’m not spending all my time writing blogs, and I’m not spending all my time reading forums and articles and facebook forums and doing whatever I did before. This game is infinite and the details can be changed – it makes a new random world whenever you tell it to. After a while I guess I will get the general idea, because while the details change, the general areas will always be there (a desert area, a forest area, a jungle area, a snowy area, etc).

I’ve been having another problem with Terraria – it’s hard for me to sit down and craft anything. I have billions of little items now. I have to get the dude to help me, my mentor dude, and I have to show him each little thing and ask him what it’s possible for me to do with this, and then I’ll have to maybe start writing them down and making it a goal to get all the ingredients for the recipes. I’ve just been stuffing all the things into chests.

But I could probably make myself better weapons and armor and stuff. I’m starting to get enough good weapons that the game is getting easier (but I still keep dying and getting frustrated when I get transported back). Maybe next time I play, I’ll make it my goal to just do nothing but craft new items out of all the junk that I have sitting around.

I’m not playing multiplayer, so I won’t be making things that only pertain to that – for example, today I saw that I could make big letters out of metal, if I wanted to write something that, I assume, other people would read in the multiplayer game, like ‘This is Nicole’s House’ or something, in big metal letters, I dunno.

I have to go home. Tomorrow, I go back to work at TB. Then later this week I go to McD.

Rented the car; toothache gone/reduced; bought Terraria

September 26, 2015

The toothache is mysteriously gone or greatly reduced. Dad also had a flare-up of severe pain in a minor injury, the other day, and I think it’s because there’s some kind of hurricane thingy down south of us messing with the weather. That’s just a theory.

I rented the car and we are packing it now. I have a bunch of stuff which I have acquired and will have to carry home, but it’s helpful stuff that I need. I hate taking Jacob on a long drive again, but it might be easier this time.

I haven’t written about all the stuff I’ve done while I’ve been here. I’ve been less lonely and less inclined to blog incessantly (not as much as usual, anyway).

And… I bought Terraria. It was $10. I didn’t think it would work on my computer, because I have an old, low-end laptop with absolutely nothing for playing video games, and a very very low end graphics card. I thought Terraria would not work at all. However, it works *a little bit*, but with a massive, huge glitch in the beginning which makes it almost unplayable.

But with sheer brute persistence and dumb luck, I jury-rigged a way that I can kind of play the game. After the non-player character vanishes, the game goes back to normal and I am able to play it the way I ought to be able to. It *seems* like I only have to do the jury-rigging thing to make it work while that guy is in the game. This is a bad sign, because other non-player characters are going to enter later on, from the sounds of it, like shopkeepers or something, which might mean the game will become unplayable again, and stay that way.

It’s because I can’t click on the window with the mouse. In order to click on the window with the mouse, I have to put another window in front of it, drag that window’s edge to the thing I’m clicking on, and hover the cursor right on the edge of the foreground window, so that a little bit of the cursor is over top of the Terraria window, and then click. It registers all the clicks on the foreground window as though they are happening in the Terraria window. I have to kill all the monsters using an axe or a pick, which doesn’t require constant clicking, but instead can be just held down and it goes repeatedly on its own.

So I used Windows Task Manager, which I always have open anyway, and I set it to ‘Always On Top’ in its ‘View’ menu or whichever menu. That way, it doesn’t disappear when I click on Terraria. Terraria just freezes if I click on it directly with the mouse. So I keep the Always On Top Task Manager halfway over Terraria, and I use the edge of the window to click things and go back and forth between windows, because if I drag another window over top of Terraria, it reawakens it after it freezes. This is what I mean by jury-rigging! Sheer dumb luck, accident, brute stubborn persistence, and my noticing what happened by accident when Task Manager went over top of Terraria.

Anyway, after a while none of that was necessary, about the time when the helper dude vanished. I’m not sure if he was supposed to vanish, or if it was a glitch. But it became totally normal and I was able to click on the screen with the mouse like you’re supposed to. And then, it became a great game! But in the beginning, with the awkward window clicking, I died about a thousand times.

The Hunter Gatherer’s Almanac – it doesn’t exist, but I wish it did

September 25, 2015

During this brief moment when I can play with GameMaker Studio, I’m fantasizing about something I need for the game, but I also need it in real life. I will never have time to finish this. I can only play with GameMaker in ideal conditions when I am well rested and have no anxiety. I can only dabble in GameMaker a couple times a year, and then abandon whatever I started.

But I started trying to show the passage of time in my game, because I am fantasizing about some kind of nomadic hunter gatherer simulation. I want my characters to go out into the woods and forage for plants and hunt for animals and make their own tools. I realize that this kind of sounds like Terraria, which is an awesome game that I first saw at Jesse’s house when his little brother was playing it. I WOULD LOVE THAT GAME, but I’m not allowing myself to buy gaming systems right now, especially when I live in a tent.

In Terraria, you get to do things like build your own house, chop down trees to get wood for building, protect yourself against scary monsters that come out at night, and other things that I love to do. Terraria also shows the passage of time. Certain things happen during the day, and other things happen at night.

I haven’t played Terraria, so I don’t know if it tries to depict the seasons of the year. Does it? I’d have to google it. I want my game to show the changing seasons. Each moon, a lunar cycle, has a specific name used by the Native Americans and/or Europeans (there is some overlap). I could invent a couple moon names for my game, because my world doesn’t have to exactly represent the real world. I hate strawberries (although Native American wild strawberries might possibly be less horrifically disgusting than normal cultivated strawberries – strawberries are just so sour I can’t bear to eat them), so I’m not thrilled about the Strawberry Moon, but I could invent some other fruit that ripened during that time. Maybe I’ll call it the Serviceberry Moon (although I have no idea if that’s when the serviceberries appear).

So, your character has to survive all thirteen moons, one year. You go through all the seasons, and you do activities that are appropriate for the season, and only possible during that time. You catch fish when the fish are spawning and going up the river past where you live. You pick serviceberries and any other fruits during the month when they are ripe. You pick a whole bunch of different fruits and vegetables during the Harvest Moon (right now, in September). You hunt the deer in the Hunter Moon. And so on.

You have to dry enough foods in advance to be able to live through the winter. This will be hard to calculate the first time you play the game, but after you’ve played it a couple times you’ll know about how much you need. You’ll be eating foods and using them up, too, along the way.

The Farmer’s Almanac tells you when to start planting various crops, and things like that, but I am not making a farmer game. I can use that almanac as kind of a suggestion, though.

The game could possibly get really complicated, if I included other characters who are also simultaneously hunting for food, and animals who are also using it. The berries appear on the trees, but you’ve got to get them before the birds eat them all. Your own tribe members are looking for food, and they might share some of it with you if you are completely out of food.

It’s unrealistic to have a human who is completely isolated and alone without a community. And communities build up assets and
infrastructure over time, so that you get handed down some tools, weapons, houses, and clothing that are already made. You are not a blank slate. You don’t just get born naked and then thrown into the woods as a baby, expected to make all your own things with no knowledge.

This game won’t ever be finished. I’m just using this idea as a way to make a structure and goals for my game. I don’t like games where all you have to do is run around fighting and killing bad guys. I want some kind of productivity. I want to make things, build things, find food, use up food, and all that.

Leafy greens might give rapid relief – but it seems to be temporary. Good try though.

September 24, 2015

We’ll see if it lasts. I was craving spinach, and I requested it for dinner tonight. We ate a piece of kale chips at Mrs. Lees’ house when we fed her cat. On my way home, in the driveway, I grabbed a piece of the huge swiss chard and ate it. It seems to be providing temporary relief. Bones need vitamin K in leafy greens. I don’t know how long the relief will last. It’s just that I ate a few ibuprofen tonight, and it wasn’t working as well as it worked last night.

I’ve been eating so many bad foods and being exposed to so many chemicals and drug residues that I don’t know exactly which one is causing the problem.

Okay, the relief is wearing off. It was temporary. Back to the drawing board….

experiment failed – took ibuprofen again

September 24, 2015

Well, avoiding coffee did not work. My teeth started to hurt again this evening during dinner. I’m also wondering if it’s something about the milk, I don’t know, I’ve had some problems with milk before. I could try going a day without milk, and only using water on my cereal if I eat cereal. I won’t be able to obtain any saturated fats though. I’ll have to get them somehow.

I do not want to keep taking ibuprofen every day for my tooth ache, and not only that, if it gets bad enough, the ibuprofen won’t work anymore.

I’ll get to see what happens when I go home to PA and start living my usual life, drinking my usual water, and eating my usual foods. Whatever I have going on here, it’s different from my life at home, and there are dozens of factors that could be causing it. I’ll be going home in a couple days.

Minor changes in caffeine use cause profound brain changes

September 24, 2015

I just didn’t have a cup of coffee this morning. I had no caffeine at all, for only a few hours longer than usual. Normally I’d have coffee as soon as I got up. I skipped that, and just resisted the desire for caffeine, for only a few hours past the time when I would normally have it.

Then, later this afternoon, I relieved the withdrawal by eating chocolate cereal (something I would never have at home, but I have here at my parents’ house – the cereal is full of synthetic vitamins, and therefore, it is causing me to have lots of sneezing. Sneezing allergies are caused by synthetic vitamins, NOT by the wheat or grains in the cereal. I eat wheat many other times, but get no allergies unless they have synthetic vitamins and minerals added.).

Later, after eating the chocolate cereal, I took a caffeine pill, vivarin, but I still have not drunk any coffee.

My teeth don’t hurt. It’s definitely being triggered by the coffee. That weird ‘strong’ setting on the coffee maker – I don’t know how it works, but I imagine, maybe, it might trickle the water more slowly into the coffee grounds basket, so that there is a slower flow of water, perhaps, so that each drop of water lingers longer in the coffee grounds. That’s just a theory. So maybe it sits there soaking longer, with a slower trickle of water, and it makes the coffee stronger, but also makes it too acidic for my sensitive teeth.

Just simply *postponing* my cup of coffee gave me profound brain changes. I am now doing weird things, as a result of the caffeine pill, things that I never do. If I have too much caffeine, all day long, the caffeine has no effect at all. Caffeine only helps my brain if I have gone into withdrawal, even if only for a few hours, even if I only resisted the urge to drink coffee for a short time. Just merely experiencing the sensation of desire for coffee, and resisting that urge, is sufficient to give me enough withdrawal that the coffee will work better (or vivarin) the next time I use it.

I am now capable of playing with the GameMaker Studio video game maker. Coincidentally, my nephew Aidan also used that program.

coffee withdrawal today

September 24, 2015

I think it might be because my parents’ coffeemaker has this setting called ‘strong’ for the coffee. I don’t know how it works, but they always have it on that setting.

I drank a whole lot of coffee yesterday, deliberately, because I intended to do some cleaning up and organizing and get my stuff ready to leave. By the end of the day my teeth hurt so badly I had to take two ibuprofen, which is an extremely bad sign. Fortunately, the ibuprofen worked, and I was able to fall asleep.

I don’t like to just take ibuprofen to numb a preventable injury which is caused by lifestyle and ought to be prevented by changing my lifestyle.

All that coffee yesterday didn’t even help me enough to finish my organizing. I’ve used so much caffeine lately that it isn’t even working anymore.

My chronic fatigue will be incapacitating, because there are so many drug residues on my clothing and in this house, and other things like poisons, weed killer, secondhand drugs, etc. However, on the *first* day of caffeine withdrawal, I still seem normal. The caffeine stays in your body at least 24 hours. I’m still running on all that coffee I drank yesterday. I won’t even have a headache until this evening, *maybe*. The more noticeable withdrawal symptoms will be tomorrow, if I continue to stay off coffee.

tooth problems

September 23, 2015

4:59 PM 9/23/2015

I have two problems going on with my teeth. I’ll mention one of them quickly because there is nothing I can do about it at the moment. The one problem is that I never finished the project of removing my two plastic dental fillings by myself. As a result, I still get breast pain from the leaking bisphenol-A in the plastic. The breast pain is not always there; however, now that I have been exposed to the residual drug residues on the floor and in various places in this house, I suddenly have breast pain again. It is the combination of the drug residues, and the presence of plastic fillings, that causes the pain. The pain is absent if I am clean of all drug residues; however, that doesn’t make it okay, and I still intended to remove the fillings, I just need a single apartment where no one is watching over me, so that I can set up my drill and use it, alone.

Since I can’t do that right now, I’m not going to obsess about that.

The other major problem I’m having, which is more urgent, is that something is giving me horrible tooth pain right now. At this exact second, actually, it sort of died down. But there have been several incidents of unbearable agony, the kind of agony where I could understand that thing that I read somewhere, which said that there was a very strong correlation between tooth pain, and suicide, perhaps in Weston Price’s book, with the native peoples who had no dentists to help them with their cavities that were caused by their transition to a modern diet (the worst case of the modern diet).

I have been eating a couple of unusual things. I tried some root vegetables, which are goitrogenic (turnips and rutabagas – I’m not sure if the turnips are, I forget, but the rutabagas are). When I ate millet, it was also goitrogenic, and it caused the tooth breakage incident, along with severe fatigue. So tooth breakage may be associated with goitrogenic foods, possibly.

But I’m all done eating the couple of root vegetables that I bought and cooked. They were experimental. I’m still not done experimenting with them. I am looking for carbohydrate sources that are an alternative to grains.

I had another tooth breakage incident, here, while visiting my parents, although less severe and less noticeable than the first one with the millet. It was that same tooth, my upper left molar, which is about halfway destroyed. The inside part, that faces the roof of my mouth, is still there. The outer part that faces my gum is destroyed, and it’s all black and cavity-looking.

Normally, that broken tooth does not hurt at all. I understand that the root of the tooth rebuilds a wall between itself and the outside world, so that even when the whole outer tooth is destroyed, the root is still alive and is able to regenerate just the minimal little bit of tooth, not the whole thing, but just a tiny nub that covers the living pulp of the tooth. That is my understanding of the final fate of this tooth, if I am eating the right foods to be able to regenerate any bone at all.

But a couple days ago, one little shard fell out of that broken tooth. It was a chunk. I was doing nothing at all, just lying in bed sleeping, when it fell out. Suddenly there was a broken piece of tooth in my mouth. This indicates that a process of ongoing destruction was happening. I did not break it while chewing on something hard.

And now, I am having severe pain (intermittently) in that broken tooth, and also in the lower molar on the left side, too. Most of my teeth have cavities in them, due to the mind control tooth experiment several years ago, where they suggested that I completely stop brushing my teeth, while simultaneously continuing to eat the most horrible, most unhealthy, most non-ideal diet imaginable, drinking tons of coffee, taking caffeine pills, and so on, the worst thing you can do. Primitive people do not brush their teeth at all, and have perfect teeth with zero cavities, but they are eating the optimal human diet, and living without drugs and chemicals.

I’m drinking my parents’ coffee, and I drank more than usual of it today. I’m also drinking normal milk right at the moment, because I used up my organic milk and cannot go buy any more, and I’m leaving in a couple days, too, so I don’t want to get something that I won’t be able to use up. I’m just going to tolerate drinking normal milk. We have whole milk at this moment, but it was only because the grocery store was out of 2% milk temporarily.

My mom *did* use Fosamax in the past, but I do not know whether she is still using it right now, and they get sort of defensive or
uncomfortable if I ask too many questions about their prescription drugs, because they know that I hate drugs, even if I do my best not to say so. They know I’m asking because I disapprove and/or have a theory in my mind about what the drugs are doing, and they don’t want to give me information that will confirm my theories.

I could be getting secondhand Fosamax residues from the clothing my mom gave me. She gave me some of her used clothing. I’ve been wearing only these clothes. I am always saying that the drug residues are excreted through the skin (that wasn’t how my original drug residues came about – that was from handling herbs).

I know from experience that when I stop drinking coffee, cold turkey, for *only 24 hours*, it immediately makes my tooth pain go away, and also my hip pain. However, for the long term, merely taking a break for 24 hours isn’t enough. I must quit cold turkey, forever.

I know my hips are being destroyed, and they suddenly got much worse whenever I briefly touched and handled the gold coin grass seed package (which I then threw away instead of ever trying to grow them) and when I took the couple of drops of the gold coin grass infusion in alcohol, which were to find out whether I could get rid of gallstones. I had been planning to do a liver cleansing experiment this year, but that was instantly abandoned completely when I took the couple drops of gold coin grass infusion, and felt it burning me inside my bones. I decided that gold coin grass probably dissolves the calcium in your bones, along with the calcium in your gallstones. After that, my hips started hurting more than they ever had before, very suddenly, and very severely.

At this moment, my teeth are not in agony. I can usually make the agony go away if I brush my teeth, but that isn’t working as well now. It scares me that this technique isn’t working as well anymore. It’s my only way to fix it immediately when it happens. The only other way to fix it is by stopping coffee.

drug residues here

September 21, 2015

I’ve been to this house several times during the contamination, with contaminated shoes, and the carpets have drug residues on them. I can feel the bottoms of my bare feet burning right now. It’s probably even worse because I walked with wet feet after getting out of the shower yesterday.

It is probably tobacco residue that is causing most of my problems.

My brother mentioned something interesting. He had handled very hot peppers, one of the hottest kinds, and his hands sort of burned or went numb or tingly for days (I forget how he described it), and he wondered if he had done some kind of permanent damage to them. He tried washing off the hot pepper juice, but it didn’t work.

Then he washed his hands with degreaser, and it worked instantly, and got rid of the hot pepper juice. It was an oil, or else oil soluble, substance from the peppers.

So if I were still decontaminating, I would try washing everything in degreaser. I’d have to wash all the contaminated laundry in degreaser. I tried washing laundry many times and the drug residues never came out, so I started throwing away clothes constantly and buying new ones at Goodwill.

I’ve mostly decontaminated now, and it’s not worth it to bother trying this with what little contamination I have left. But I will remember it for future reference as a possible thing to try.

Sun-drying destroys plant toxins! Jicamas, hopniss, sunchokes will no longer cause vomiting and abdominal pains

September 20, 2015

I’ve been reading some more about things like hopniss, jicama, and sunchokes causing people to vomit. I don’t think it’s merely the inulin, although inulin can cause some people to vomit too. I think it’s a plant poison.

Rotenone, I believe, is the poison in jicamas. Rotenone causes vomiting. My sensations were not from inulin, they were ‘twinge-like sensations,’ which come from the *nervous system*, which is the system affected by rotenone. I did not get gas, which would be from inulin. I also felt that twinge inside my mouth while I was eating it.

Rotenone is destroyed by sunlight in several days.

Mashing the roots into a paste, or cutting them into small pieces, then sun drying them, will destroy the poison. It might take a week of sun drying, I don’t know how long.

This was a sudden insight while I was taking a shower. I interrupted my shower to get out and write this. I am soaking wet and covered with a towel. I’m too lazy to go find this image, but, cue Hermione Granger in ‘Sorcerer’s Stone’ saying, ‘Devil’s Snare, Devil’s Snare… it’s deadly fun… but it sulks in the sun!’ (I don’t recall if that’s what she said in the book, but that was in the movie), and shouting ‘Lumos Solaire!’ and shining sunlight to release Ron from the vines.

Many primitive cultures routinely sun-dried EVERYTHING. That is the universal food preservation method.

I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna take that cooked jicama and put it out there after I get my persimmons.

TB’s refrigerated toppings cause their tacos to be cold; more about primitive survival skills and food handing

September 18, 2015

8:58 AM 9/18/2015

One thing changed at Taco Bell since I went back (actually, a bunch of things changed, but I’m discussing this one right now). They stopped telling us we had to get a fresh new pan every single time that we refilled something on the table. This was actually quite a hassle, because they rigidly followed the rule of ‘get a new pan’ every single time we refilled anything at all, no matter what the circumstances. I could understand occasionally getting a clean pan, but there was no need to do it every single time, especially when we were extremely busy and in a hurry.

They have a name for it – they called it ‘just-in-time’
something-or-other, I just don’t remember exactly what. It’s similar to just-in-time delivery in the world of shipping. You don’t have a bunch of stuff sitting around taking up space in a warehouse, but rather, you ship it right before it’s needed. So, we used to have a bunch of premade stuff sitting in pans in the cooler underneath the table, bags of lettuce opened up and put into pans, etc. We don’t have that anymore. We’re allowed to just keep the bag of lettuce itself, rip it open, and dump it into our pans on the table. This is probably being done because the ‘warehouse’ is a lot smaller than it used to be, with our new table design. We can’t fit a dozen stacked pans in it like we used to.

So in a way, they did something I wanted them to do – they just had their own reasons for doing it (the smaller cooler space due to the new table design).

Now I want them to do something else that McDonald’s does – they need to use room temperature taco toppings.

McDonald’s has its sandwich toppings sitting at room temperature on the table, not refrigerated. This is so that when you put them on the sandwich, they don’t cool the sandwich down. We’re only supposed to keep those things out at room temperature for a certain number of hours; however, in reality, it truly does not matter, because these particular items are very low in bacteria – sliced tomatoes, shredded lettuce, leaf lettuce, slices of American cheese, pickles, onions, and a few other things. They may have some harmless bacteria on them – not all bacteria is deadly. People get sick at picnics from eating something which is a mixture of liquids, oils, carbohydrates, and proteins all chopped up and mixed together, things like potato salad and macaroni salad kept at warm temperatures. You don’t get sick from eating shredded lettuce that sat out in the air all day.

At Taco Bell, the taco toppings are so icy cold, sometimes literally frozen, that when you put them on the taco, it immediately cools the taco down and makes the whole thing cold. The reason some things are actually frozen is because the cooler is very strong in some locations, not because they are intended to be frozen. We have pans sitting over a cool space, where the coldness comes from underneath, and usually the chopped onions in particular are frozen to the bottom of the pan.

A few of the toppings might still need to be refrigerated. I’m not sure if the guacamole would be safe. The pico salsa is a mix of liquids, oils, and vegetables, but yet, it’s very acidic, and acid usually makes things less affected by bacteria. It could be tested to see what it does at room temperature.

***********************

Learning about what foods can be kept at room temperature is actually important to me. I am interested in primitive food handling and primitive food storage. Primitive people had ways of making food safer, so that they could take advantage of as many wild foods as possible, including things that were slightly toxic and not very edible, if necessary.

They would use particular methods to detoxify those plants – soaking, sprouting, mashing, drying, peeling the skin off vegetables because that’s usually where toxins are concentrated, cooking for a very long time in water and discarding the water, fermenting, frying at high temperatures, and maybe other methods that I’m not aware of.

They also had ways of storing food without refrigerators, and they would have kept a lot of things at room temperature for short periods of time, even if they were not yet preserved.

I thought about this a little bit yesterday. I was working on skinning the squirrel. I had not ‘cleaned’ the squirrel yet, the way a hunter would – they would usually remove the guts, because the guts will cause the meat to spoil. I actually want to *keep* the guts, because some of the organs are the most precious part of the meat, and the muscles are just something you eat because you have to. But I kept the squirrel at outdoor temperature in the backyard for a couple hours while I did this, and I did not feel worried about food quality, because it was freshly killed meat, barely even cut open, with only a few cuts in the meat.

I don’t know whether the squirrel will be edible (Why can’t I write the word ‘squirrel’ without putting a ‘y’ at the end? ‘Rely?’ ‘Really?’ What am I trying to write?). But if I feel up to it, I might try. I don’t have much of an appetite this morning, and I’m wondering if I’ll be able to eat through the packet of ground beef, and also the packet of scrapple, that I bought, over the next week or so while I’m here (depending on how long I stay).

The persimmons got quite dry yesterday in the sun. I will let them continue drying today.

I might also try drying the squirrel, but I’m not sure how to do that.

I also am not sure what to do with the skin. I want to use a low tech primitive method, and I absolutely refuse to treat it with a chemical, even if that will effectively preserve the skin. I would only consider using a stone age primitive chemical, such as something like ashes, eggs, oils, (I don’t want to use brains, because I would try to use those for eating, instead, but there is such a thing as brain tanning a skin), urine, clay, or something else. I never heard of clay being used for that, I just have a hunch that clay can be used for *something*, and we have TONS OF CLAY in our backyard because this is Scott Depot, WV, and the whole region is nothing but clay.

Clay is used for preserving duck eggs the old fashioned way in China. The only reason I know about this is because I once walked into a Chinese food store and I saw ‘Preserved Duck Eggs – Contains No Lead!’ which implied that they were sometimes being made with lead as the preservative.

So I googled this. They used to preserve duck eggs by burying them underground in some kind of special clay, at a particular temperature, or something, I don’t know the details, and then waiting a few months. I guess some of the minerals from the clay would seep into the eggs, but I don’t know, and I guess those minerals preserved the eggs.

But then, they started making the eggs commercially in a factory, and they wanted to do it quickly and efficiently on the large scale, so they started doing it with toxic minerals like lead, only to find that it was poisoning people and they couldn’t get away with that anymore, so they had to switch to some other preservative.

I just thought about burying the squirrel in clay, but I don’t have time for that. Then I remembered the Inuit people, burying fish underground. I think they do it just above the permafrost, so that the fish’s temperature is just barely above freezing all year long, while it rots. Because of its cold temperature, it is rotted safely by whichever species of bacteria are edible, and so they eventually dig it up, and it smells horrible, but they say they love it (it will be an acquired taste).

I haven’t quit using caffeine at all while I’m here, and I was even just now thinking about using a vivarin pill. I want to be able to do more. I’m frustrated because I can’t do anything.

I’m borrowing clothes that Mom has given me, and I suspect they might be partly contaminated with antidepressants, at least some of them. I am getting antidepressant contamination, and also blood pressure drug contamination, and it’s causing me to be numb and apathetic and indifferent. I have fewer emotions, I’ve noticed. I can’t remember if Mom is still using antidepressants now – I’ve asked her once or twice but I can’t remember (on past visits). I know something is making me apathetic and passive.

So that is one reason why I’m tired.

Mom suggested something yesterday, and it might have been suggested to her by ‘them.’ It’s an interesting idea. The idea did not come completely out of nowhere – she knows that I am interested in identifying and using wild plants, and I have been hunting persimmons and looking at other plants and trees since I got here. I really need some plant identification *books*, but I cannot own books when I keep moving into tents.

Anyway, Mom mentioned that she thinks she has seen something called ‘hoary mountain mint.’ I looked it up. I know we have another kind of mint, upright pennyroyal, which I sometimes nibble a little bit of. Pennyroyal is used as an abortifacient, and it has killed people. People would get the purified oil of pennyroyal, then take lots and lots of it over about a week, trying to force themselves to have a menstrual period and abort the baby; however, pennyroyal causes *everything* to start bleeding, not just your uterus, and so these people would die, bleeding out the nose and mouth and eyes, bleeding from everywhere. That doesn’t happen if you just nibble a few bites of the plant now and then, which is what I do. I *have* noticed incidents where it *seemed as though* my period started slightly early because I had nibbled pennyroyal recently, but I can’t prove it for certain.

Anyway, so I looked up hoary mountain mint, and it has a very interesting history. Wikipedia says it was used by native Americans to cure something resembling chronic fatigue syndrome – they called it ‘laziness’ and ‘someone who is always sickly.’ Both of those describe me (kind of – I’m not really ‘sickly’ all the time, but I *feel* sick and yucky all the time). Being ‘lazy’ and ‘sickly’ all the time sounds a lot like chronic fatigue syndrome, so I am curious about this herb.

Mom says she’s seen it, perhaps even in our backyard, but she isn’t sure if she can find it. It does exist in West Virginia.

I feel so much more secure, and so much less lonely, while I am here. Skinning the squirrel was something traumatic that I could not have done all by myself, in Pennsylvania, at the camp. I would have been afraid of things, like catching a virus from the squirrel or something, or just afraid because it’s horrible to skin something when you’re not used to it and have never done it before, and have only seen youtube videos of other people doing it. It was very traumatic the time I attempted to skin the roadkill deer, too. Being
traumatized in that way makes me lonely, but there was no one to comfort me. If I had been surrounded by other people who had skinned animals before, who were sympathetic about my disgust and horror and trauma, it would have made me feel better. I’d love to go to a primitive skills school.

But anyway, I was able to do it here, with my family nearby, to remind me that everything was okay, even though Mom was the only one who knew that I was skinning the squirrel – she walked down into the backyard while I was doing it, and saw me, and came over, so I explained.

If I can ever have even one single child – and I insist, it is not safe to merely have one child, because if they have an accident, then it all ends forever, your family – but if I even have one child, I want to teach the child primitive self-reliance skills from the day that it can hold an object in its hand. My child will be learning to skin squirrels when it’s a toddler. It will be learning to identify and prepare wild plants. My child will know, from the earliest age, that it is able to feed itself and shelter itself, without money, and without me as a parent, from the earliest possible age. It will grow up doing those things automatically. It will not have to jump in and start doing these things at age 40 (almost 41, on September 21st!), after living in modern society and being clueless all its life.

I would not mind starting a primitive skills school myself. That could be the intentional community’s source of income! I have absolutely no moral objection to a primitive skills school! The world needs as many primitive skills schools as possible. They need one in every single town. The schools must aggressively recruit local people, including gifted kids. I’ve been thinking about how to attract gifted kids to my intentional community (well, I haven’t been thinking about ‘how’ to do it, I’ve just been thinking that there is a *need* to attract them).

How do you attract gifted kids, who have been told that their reason for existence is to go out into society and do something
super-high-tech? We’re not being primitive because we’re stupid, we’re being primitive because we’re smart. Primitive is cool. How do you convince gifted kids that the challenge is in making machines out of primitive materials, the way the Amish people make hydraulic powered machines, for example? We want all the gifted kids to come into our community and join us. We want them to use their talents in the primitive world, where they can *really* have a great impact.

From the looks of things, it seems very unlikely that I will ever have a child, even one single child, even though I have been fascinated with pregnancy and childbirth for decades and have looked forward to nothing but that. ‘They’ took it away from me. They arranged for me to become contaminated with ephedra in my mid-thirties, which ruined all the years of my life, since 2007. I still had a chance back then, maybe. The ephedra was the final ruining of everything. Then they gave me Jesse to fall in love with, only to take him away instantly to the army so that we could not be together. Unless I can figure out how to extend my years of fertility, which might be possible, I will be going into menopause in the next nine years or so. Nine years is nowhere near enough time for me to even begin to have more than one child. It could theoretically be possible for me to have just barely one child at the very end of nine years, maybe. It’s just that there is a constant pattern of total life-ruining disasters. I don’t expect that to stop.

But I am glad for learning a few primitive food collection and preservation skills – that was an important part of my plan. I am glad I got to skin a squirrel, even though I did it badly and even though I might not be able to use the skin or eat the meat. At least I will have experienced butchering a squirrel on my own. I’m also going to be very pleased by the sun-dried persimmons, the same way I was so proud of my dried serviceberries. I still have them (in the tent). Any little thing at all that I can learn, any little primitive survival skill, is extremely important to me.

Skinned a squirrel; got some of my own foods at the grocery store; doing okay with rabies

September 17, 2015

1:42 PM 9/17/2015

1. rabies, docs should admit i had it but fought it off, twice, and taht vaccine made it less severe but i still had it for real

2. weird foods

3. skin the squirrel

4. persimmons

5. maybe contaminated clothing continues the rabies, i have clean clothes now

6. the olive oil i have to avoid because it’s real olive oil, just stale

7. i got organic milk now

8. jicama is toxic, must be processed

************
4:41 PM 9/17/2015

I might get interrupted and will have to go eat dinner.

Today, I skinned a squirrel by myself for the first time. I have watched the skinning of animals on youtube before, so I had a general idea of how to do it.

I did not kill the squirrel myself. Misty the cat killed the squirrel, then brought it up and dropped it right near where I was sitting. It was in nearly perfect condition, still warm, and I could not even see why it would be dead, but it was definitely dead.

I guess it was not really a squirrel, it was a ground squirrel or chipmunk – it had a shorter tail, although not a stub tail, and it had stripes on its back.

I had been working on preserving persimmons earlier. I collected a lot of persimmons from the tree in my yard and the neighbor’s yard. These were real persimmons. When I lived at the apartment, I got all excited thinking I had found a persimmon tree, but those turned out to actually be crabapples that were orangish colored when they were dried out and rotten in the middle of winter.

These are definitely real persimmons. They are pumpkin colored, with big huge seeds inside, and squishy, and sweet. They are hard to eat because it seems like it’s all seeds and no fruit.

I decided to try to squash them all, then dry them out. I’m sun drying them on the back porch right now.

It was right after that that Misty delivered the squirrel.

I used my little knife, but it was too dull. I really, really need a knife of stone, an obsidian blade. Obsidian blades have an edge that is only one molecule wide, or maybe just a couple molecules. They are the sharpest blades on earth, and surgeons have sometimes used obsidian blades. Other types of glass might do something similar, but I think obsidian is the best. I was also trying to find yellow jasper, bald eagle jasper, around State College, but I’m not quite sure what it looks like. It is usable enough that the Native Americans were quarrying it at some time in the past and making tools out of it.

The little knife was all I had to work on the squirrel. I did the best I could. It was a messy job. I have only tried maybe twice before to skin an animal, and both times I gave up quickly for various reasons. It was extremely hard to do, disgusting, horrifying, and traumatic, but at the same time, I believe it is the right thing to do. I have chosen to eat meat, and so I should be responsible for hunting it and butchering it at some time in my life, so that I can really understand. I even found it very hard to prepare a whole fish from the grocery store (it had no organs inside it).

I did the best I could, and I got the skin off the squirrel, but it took *forever*. I got very tired and had to take a break, so I put the squirrel and the skin into a ziploc bag, wrapped the ziploc bag in a bunch of plastic wrap over and over so you can’t see what’s in it, and then I hid it in the freezer in the garage. I will work on it later.

I am not showing signs of rabies right now. I want the doctors to acknowledge that I was actually getting rabies, twice, for real, but I was able to stop it the first time by getting immunoglobulin, and I stopped it the second time, *apparently* because of immunity. Also, I think wearing clean clothes helped. As soon as I got here to WV and started borrowing clothes from my mom, the illness went away. I was forced to keep wearing dirty clothes at home. I probably had rabid saliva on them and stuff, and/or bone dust from Max.

If they would only admit that I really, actually had the disease, but the symptoms were mild, but I was able to observe them, and that it was even milder the second time because, apparently, the vaccine actually worked and I did become immune – you don’t just fight it off instantly, it takes some time for your body to fight it off even though you are immune, and you will just have milder symptoms – I would not be so angry at them if they could only admit that I really had it. They never admitted I had it, either time.

If they would acknowledge that I actually had symptoms, and I was observing correctly, because I actually did have the disease, I would not be so angry at them. They could have acknowledged that, while at the same time saying, ‘But we’re predicting that you will get over the disease by yourself because you were vaccinated – but yes, you’re right, you’re observing the symptoms and it really is rabies.’ All they will do is just totally deny that I had rabies at all, ever. They totally deny that I observed any real symptoms at all, ever. That is not necessary.

They just need to say, ‘You can observe mild symptoms during the month of the prodromal stage when the disease is developing, it’s just that those symptoms are less noticeable and they’re not yet totally out of control.’ I’m not helplessly convulsing, but yet, I can feel the sensation that I am *about to* have a convulsion. That is a real, valid sensation, and a real symptom of rabies, even though I am not having uncontrollable convulsions. It’s a matter of degree, and they believe that you are either 100% rabies-free, or 100% totally out of control and on the verge of inevitable death, and they don’t understand that you can be somewhere in between those extremes, observing the symptoms as they slowly develop, while the symptoms are still somewhat under control.

I just want them to acknowledge that my observations are valid. But instead, they will only say, ‘We are completely right, and you are completely wrong, forever, period, end of story.’

I’m not having a burning throat from drinking the water. It was from eating a leaf of the swiss chard. The swiss chard is huge, old, and bitter, and it burns my throat. It’s growing outside in the little area where they throw compost.

I got myself some organic milk, and I am no longer having the Hormone Milk symptoms. Also, I decided the olive oil must be real olives, it’s just very old and stale or else it’s been processed, but it comes from olives enough to cause the aphrodisiac effect, just very mildly. I ate it in our foods several times and noticed the effect, so I am trying to avoid it from now on.

I went with Dad over to the Greens’ house. They were going to press grapes to make wine. I watched them do this, but then Mr. Green showed us that his sticky glue mouse trap had caught a snake, and some skinks, so I ended up taking that home to Mom. Mom and I tried to set them free by using acetone (nail polish remover) to try to dissolve the glue.

It worked pretty well. Two skinks died, but the snake and one skink lived – they just are not in great shape. We did the best we could. Those sticky traps are *horrible*. I would never use them. Mr. Green said he got them for free from Orkin. They are a horrible, cruel, miserable way to die. I believe it is okay to kill animals if you are using them for food, or if they are causing some kind of major problem (it depends), but try to kill them very quickly and humanely, not with some disgusting horrible glue.

I have to go eat dinner.

******
6:56 PM 9/17/2015

The last thing, I tried jicama along with rutabaga and some more turnips. I’ve tried turnips several times before. I’m researching root vegetables as an alternative to the usual carbohydrate sources. For some reason they are unpopular and not well known. I want to find out why. They might be goitrogenic.

Anyway, jicama is similar to hopniss. Jicama is the root of a bean plant, just like hopniss. Hopniss can cause extremely severe vomiting and diarrhea in some people, unless it is prepared properly, and maybe there is no way to prepare it properly, I don’t know yet.

So I was very cautious with jicama. I felt strange sensations in my mouth, a tickly unpleasant feeling, and later, after I swallowed a little bit of it, I also had weird sensations in my intestines. I tried to cook it thoroughly, but I guess it must be totally destroyed by extreme heat, or something.

I will do some further processing. I want to try mashing it, even now that it’s been chopped and boiled, and then either baking it or frying it in oil, so that it is at very high heat. It probably should be dried, too. Plants often lose some of their medicinal potency if they are dried. I don’t want to try fermenting it, though, but that might possibly be the key to making it nontoxic. Maybe I will never figure it out.

I know already that if I try to google something like ‘how to prepare jicama,’ it will be nothing but ‘recipes,’ as in, telling you what to mix it with to make it taste good, which is useless information to me. I want to know the primitive, traditional preparation methods that will make it *nontoxic*. All these ‘recipes’ assume you can just safely eat it as is, and probably most of the people posting those recipes have never tried to actually *eat* it and have never experienced the vomiting and abdominal pains.

I didn’t actually vomit from it, I just knew that I would have if I had eaten a whole bunch of it.

This is practice for when I eventually get hopniss. I know what to expect from hopniss. Hopniss can make you spew bodily fluids out in all directions all night long, with agonizing pain, the worst food poisoning you’ve ever had, but it only happens to a tiny minority of people who eat it. I’m sure it will be me – I will at least feel the sensation. So, by working with jicama, something similar to hopniss, I can get an idea of how it has to be prepared.

The squirrel is buried in the freezer. I have to remember to get it out and keep working on it. Otherwise, someone will discover it ten years from now if they clean out the freezer. It is invisible inside its plastic wrap, which is wrapped so many times you can’t see what’s in it.

I do not know how to preserve the skin. I have read about many different ways to preserve an animal skin. I think that I’m going to try just the most basic, primitive, common-sense methods first, such as merely drying it, and watching how hard it gets, because it will be ‘rawhide.’ The Inuit people chewed on it to stop that from happening.

I can only think of a couple other times I tried this. I remember I found a roadkill deer, and I *just barely* attempted to skin it, but it was extremely hard to do, and it was in the dark, and it was in the winter, and I didn’t feel comfortable where I was. I barely managed to cut into the roadkill deer at all before I gave up. It was a learning experience – I simply learned that it is nearly impossible to cut into a dead animal.

I learned the exact same thing with this squirrel – it was
ridiculously hard to cut into. I mean I tried *hard* to cut it, and it absolutely would not cut at all. It was a tiny, tiny ground squirrel, but its skin was so tough I could not cut it with a knife even though it was staying perfectly still, already dead. Imagine how hard it is to shoot an arrow into a live animal, deep enough to kill it. It must take enormous force.

This gives me a more realistic idea of what to expect if I ever go hunting, or even if I process an animal that somebody else gives me (like I’m doing this time – Misty the cat is the one who killed the squirrel).

I had to cut it by – well, I guess this is graphic detail. I had to put a hard rock underneath it, and then stab the knife through the skin, into the hard rock.

I did manage to completely skin the squirrel though, after, like, an hour and a half or something. With practice, and with the right tools, it would take nowhere near as long. People do it in a couple minutes on youtube.

I had to make miserable grimaces and apologize to the animal many times for destroying its body. However, it was definitely dead when the cat brought it to me, so I might as well do something rather than nothing.

I really, really want some obsidian blades. I’d like a fancy one for decoration, of course, but the ones that I plan to really use will just be plain, simple, black small ones, which are disposable. Obsidian blades do not last forever. The fancy colored ones will just be put on display. The tiny black ones are the junk ones that I will actually use. Nothing is better than an obsidian blade for skinning an animal. A surgeon can use an obsidian blade.

So, that is all for now.

Touching the skin / clothes of a blood pressure med user causes me to have heart attacks later on

September 15, 2015

10:54 AM 9/15/2015

Well, I had a heart attack at 4am last night, and now I had a second smaller one this morning. At 4am, I went downstairs and ate a raw onion, since I didn’t know where any garlic was, and the heart attack went away. It was only a slice of onion, not the whole thing. I couldn’t stand it – it’s easier for me to eat garlic, and it requires smaller amounts.

I’m not sure what’s triggering the heart attacks – it could be the progression of my rabies prodromal stage and/or the ‘milder version’ of rabies due to the fact that I was vaccinated? It could be the change in my diet. It could be my exposure to chemicals. The tap water burns my throat, and it didn’t do that when I was a child living here.

My parents are eating fake olive oil. I know that it is fake olive oil, because it has no taste at all – it doesn’t even taste rancid – whereas my fresh, real olive oil from California Olive Ranch actually tastes like *rancid oil* after it’s been sitting around for a few months. Real olive oil clearly tastes different, rancid, and bad after only a few months sitting around. This oil has no taste at all. This oil also has no aphrodisiac effect at all. You know the olive oil is real if it has an extremely intense aphrodisiac effect. Just test it yourself. Go to the grocery store and buy one of the fresh olive oils from the USA, the ones that aren’t fraudulent, such as California Olive Ranch. I’m not being paid to advertise them. That’s just one of the brands that actually contains real olives instead of some other fake oil being used in place of olive oil, and it is very fresh, and has the date stamped on the bottle.

So, we have Mystery Oil, which we are using and calling it olive oil. It might be the processed, refined olive oil, which has chemicals in it.

I’m also drinking 2% milk, which I never, ever use at home. The Feingold Diet people discovered that they add stuff to reduced fat milk, and the stuff they add to it contains unwanted chemicals and oxidized cholesterol. They add some kind of dried, powdered milk to it, which is preserved with an artificial preservative that Feingold Dieters don’t want, and it also has oxidized cholesterol, which is unnatural and more dangerous than normal cholesterol.

This milk is also Hormone Milk, and I’m sorry to be so explicit, but whenever I drink Hormone Milk, I feel my breasts swelling. I am not joking, I am being literal, this is an actual sensation that I feel as a result of drinking Hormone Milk. My dad scoffed at the idea of me buying organic milk when I mentioned it to him, but organic milk does not make my breasts swell, and it does not cause sexual arousal or a desire to masturbate the way hormone milk does.

I’m not a Christian, but I think masturbation is a bad thing *if* it is being caused by some kind of unnatural drug or hormone you are taking. You need to know what causes masturbation. It doesn’t just happen naturally on its own, most of the time. People obsessively masturbate because they 1. use tobacco, which causes prolonged sexual arousal, nonstop, forever, 2. eat hormone-filled factory farm foods such as milk and meats, 3. use other various drugs, 4. eat olive oil all the time, 5. other, anything else.

Masturbation is something people need to do AS A RESULT OF chemicals that induce masturbation, and so, masturbation is a warning signal that you are eating masturbation-inducing chemicals. I seriously almost never have any sexual arousal at all if I am avoiding all of these substances. Imagine all the marriages that could be saved from people having affairs and constantly needing more sex and people having a very high sex drive, if only people understood that having a high sex drive is caused by chemicals and drugs they are eating. They would still need to socialize and have affairs if they were in non-dual marriages or if they were in marriages where their duals did not meet all of their needs, but they would not obsessively need to have sex.

I wish more Christians knew about this, because actually, I sympathize with their desire to stop people from masturbating. I mean the traditional, hardcore, anti-sexual Christians. I actually *agree* with them in their dislike of sexual pleasure.

It’s especially annoying to be having hormone problems when I am at my family’s home and I don’t feel very comfortable or isolated enough here.

Anti-sexual Christians and anti-gay Christians could benefit so much if only they understood the causes of excessive arousal and
homosexuality. Potatoes were actually thought to be a cause of (whatever the word is) sexual arousal, when Europeans first started eating potatoes, and getting rid of potatoes in your diet is a good thing. I’d actually agree that it’s likely this is true, because tobacco definitely causes it, and they are both in the nightshade family.

I forgot to mention, now I have very noticeable arthritis in the fingers of my right hand, even though I am doing nothing at all. I truly did nothing other than use a spatula to flip over the sliced eggplants as they were frying yesterday, and before that, I was using the trackball mouse, which required me to use my fingers differently. I only used the trackball mouse for a few minutes. Now my fingers hurt and feel all swollen. I did eat the eggplants last night. And I’m eating Mystery Oil. Nightshades, and Mystery Vegetable Oils, both cause arthritis in the short term, as in, you can eat them, and then within 24 hours observe the results. This is not one of those ‘long term correlations’ type of things, where you’re not sure whether there’s a correlation or not. This is a short-term, short-distance, individual correlation, where you do something, then see the results in your own body right away.

So, the heart attacks are kind of annoying. I’ve had worse heart attacks than this, many times in the past. I’ve had recurring heart attacks that were bad enough that I went to the doctor about them. I figured out what was causing those – a lot of that was happening when I was still seeing Peter, the diabetic, who was using – uh-oh, I just figured it out. Blood pressure meds, secondhand.

My dad is using blood pressure meds. I hugged him just before bed last night. I got secondhand transdermal skin-excreted metabolites on my skin, and absorbed it, then went into withdrawal several hours later, causing a heart attack.

Great. I forgot all about that.

People use a drug. The drug gets partially metabolized, and then, it is excreted through their skin in either the oils, or the sweat, and I’m not sure which, maybe both. These metabolites are still active drugs, which still produce effects. You are able to touch another person, get those skin oils and sweat on your own skin, absorb it, experience the effects of the drug, and then go into withdrawal from it hours later. This is what happened to me, and that is why I had heart attacks last night and this morning.

Ironically, my dad may be on blood pressure meds because of me. After he and Mom helped me clean out my old apartment which was *extremely severely* contaminated with ephedra, back in 2009 or so, I forget exactly when, he had a sudden, severe, extreme increase in blood pressure, which was caused by ephedra, but he did not know, and would not admit, that it was caused by exposure to my contaminants. I had experienced the same thing, but because I understood the cause, I was able to stop it without drugs. The ephedra caused his blood pressure to shoot up to, like, I forget, 200/150 or something extremely high like that.

So he got on blood pressure meds. But then he said he’s had high blood pressure a long time, just not *that* high, and he thinks he might have…. some kind of deformity in a blood vessel in the kidney, which I cannot remember the name of. Renal something. That is probably a Weston Price deformity, I’m guessing.

I myself also had massive increases in heart rate and blood pressure from exposure to the ephedra. But I was able to wash it off and change into non-contaminated clothes. Dad would not have understood what caused it and so he could not have changed into other clothes to fix it. You have to do a decon, and it’s easy to mess up a decon. I tried to explain to them about my contaminants, but they never believed me at all, so I could not help him.

So. I just have to predict that I will have heart attacks within a few hours of hugging my dad. That is all. Now I know what’s causing it. That is more surely the cause than any other factor. Blood pressure meds are THE PRIMARY CAUSE of heart attacks. You stop taking them, or even slightly reduce your dose, and you are guaranteed to have a heart attack within only a few hours of cutting back your dose. Sadly, nobody knows this.

musing about the Universal Hero Myth, and how it fits into a video game plot, or the fiction stories I used to write

September 15, 2015

7:12 PM 9/14/2015

I was ‘urged’ to play with the video game maker, but it’s hard to do without a mouse, which I forgot at home. John gave me a mouse with a roller ball on top, but that’s kind of hard for me to use, and it might not be comfortable enough. I’m also mentally not focused. Something is very wrong with my brain – I am poisoned or sick.

But I thought to read about the universal myths, because I always felt like I was writing adventure stories which always followed a particular predictable pattern, but which only varied in the details. I wanted to have more power, more control over that, so that I would not be so rigid and predictable in my storyline, so I wanted to read about the universal adventure myth. I can also choose to accept it, that this adventure myth is something which is infinitely worth replaying, over and over again, forever, and so I could just choose to accept it and make it as enjoyable as I can.

But the funny idea I had, while reading, was ‘refusal of the call.’ I imagined, what if you played the game, and you refused the call to go on an adventure? This is a stage in the universal myth. You can play this game, and just choose to stay at home, and resist the call. That means that in the video game, you will have to keep going to your job every day, keep doing your routine, and stay at home.

The refugees are forced out of their houses in Syria, and they go on a long walk.

I have not yet returned to the world with my elixir, to have power over both worlds and bring a boon to my fellow people.

I began the universal myth when I wrote stories as a teenager. I noticed that all of my stories began with me just doing something ordinary, then falling into a secret tunnel, or noticing something strange. It frustrated me because it was this repetitive thing that I had to do. I could think of no other story that was worth telling, except this one, over and over again. I felt like other people knew how to tell stories better than I did, that they had more control over the nuances of this storyline than I did, that my versions were boring and predictable.

Learning what the storyline is will give you more nuances to it, even if you cannot resist using it and doing it again, even though you know it is predictable and universal. The details will differ, and the details are where you express your own values.

Lots of nightshades; and the electric fence IS turned on

September 14, 2015

3:04 PM 9/14/2015

I’m going to have to go to the grocery store with Dad sometime in the next couple days, to get some food for myself. My parents eat a medium fat / low fat diet, very heavy on the nightshades, with processed meats like bologna making up a significant amount of it, and cereal.

I say ‘very heavy on the nightshades,’ because they have all these plants growing outside, and most of them are nightshades. There are tons and tons of tomatoes, peppers, hot peppers, and various kinds of eggplants. The only one they don’t have tons of is potatoes – they aren’t growing any of those as far as I know, and I get the impression that they eat them occasionally but not every day as a staple food.

Oh yeah, as I was reading about nightshades just now (to verify whether I had forgotten any), I saw something about blocking acetylcholine and affecting nerve and muscle cells. That suddenly reminded me of an incident that happened this morning.

I was outside, and Mom was working on the back deck – she’s taking apart the rotten pieces of wood, and they’re going to rebuild the deck. I asked if I could rip off a piece of the swiss chard that was growing next to the porch, and she said yes. So I bent over and stuck my whole head and arm in between the white ribbons of the fence. It was just a soft fence made out of flexible material. Suddenly I got shocked, like a static spark, but really bad, and I jumped out of there. ‘That thing is ON!’ I shouted. I had forgotten it was an electric fence, and I had forgotten it was on. Mom had too, apparently, because she hadn’t warned me, and I could tell that she felt bad about it. It was just a mistake, she forgot and so did I. She just assumed I knew, because she knew and Dad knew, so everybody knew and they took it for granted. I’m a newbie, so I didn’t know. But it wasn’t that bad.

Anyway, I did eventually get a bite of the swiss chard. It was tough, old, and bitter, but okay. I didn’t eat a lot.

So anyway, they’re very heavy on the nightshades. We’re going to be eating a nightshade meal this evening – eggplant parmesan, which I helped prepare. They’re making a vegetarian meal for my brother. It’s fried eggplants, with tomato sauce on them, and cheese.

I just want to eventually try a nightshade-free diet for a long period of time. That way I will find out what they are doing to my body, and whether they contribute to my chronic pain. I have low-level pain everywhere. I also want to quit caffeine. I will have to do both, to get the best results.

I want to shop with Dad and get some snacks for myself soon. I also want to walk around Charleston and see what kind of shops and stores they have there.

The Elk River, WV chemical spill of 2014 might still be in the water

September 14, 2015

I know that just yesterday I said there was no such thing as truth, and I even said that I worship Satan. But I didn’t really mean it. I’m back to my old habit of telling controversial, esoteric truths once again only a day later.

I think that the chemical spill of January, 2014 is still in the water, the air, the soil, and even in other water systems that it didn’t directly spill into.

When I was visiting in January 2014, that’s when the spill happened, while I was here. Even though my parents’ water supply doesn’t come from the Elk River system, I started having things happen when I drank the tap water. Fortunately, it was right before I left to go back to Pennsylvania, so I didn’t have to put up with it for very long. I would feel like I was going to vomit and pass out if I took a sip of tap water.

I started drinking soda instead, and all we had was DIET SODA. So I drank diet soda for a couple days – only a couple days – before going back to PA. That caused one of my big toes, I forget if it was the left one or the right one, to go permanently numb for several months. The artificial sweetener in the diet soda was actually more dangerous to my health than the chemical spill in the water. I should have drunk the tap water instead of the diet soda. The numb toe eventually went back to normal.

However, other people who drink diet soda constantly will develop numb toes, numb feet, and their entire legs will go numb until they can’t even walk, and then they get a bullshit diagnosis of …. I forget what it is. Multiple sclerosis or something. But it’s actually diet soda poisoning.

Anyway, so that happened in January 2014, the last time I was here.

Now, I am having problems when I get into the shower. And it might not be my rabies, it might be the leftover chemical spill. I am also having problems if I drink anything made with tap water, such as our coffee. I am having fewer problems if I only drink fruit juice, milk, or Coke.

When I was driving through a particular place on the highway, which I think might possibly be near where the chemical spill occurred, but I’m not sure – I smelled something. The moment I smelled this stuff in the air, I had this horrible, indescribably horrible feeling of trauma. There was a weird noise made by a car that passed by me at the same moment, and that weird noise seemed to linger in my head, sounding horrible, distorted, and bizarre. ‘Ineffable’ is what they call it, when you have some strange experience that cannot be put into words, but it was a horrible, sickening experience.

This horrible sensation lingered for several minutes after I inhaled that chemical in the air. I know there are many chemicals in the air around Charleston, WV, as I lived here as a teenager. But this particular one was *extremely* nasty and abnormal, and I suspected it might be the leftovers of the chemical spill.

When I was here in 2014, my dad was driving me into Charleston, I forget why. At that particular moment, when we smelled that poison, he suddenly said to me, ‘What would you do if I died of a heart attack, right here, right now? I think I would be okay with that. I’ve lived a good life.’ But I myself had the same exact feeling. I felt like I was just about to die, that very instant. Unlike Dad, I knew it wasn’t something that merely ‘just happened.’ It wasn’t because he was old, and it wasn’t because he was getting struck by the Random Unexplained Heart Attack That Hits Old People For No Reason. It was because we had both just inhaled that poison, in the air, on the highway, at that particular spot right near Charleston.

I think that the poison spilled into ALL the water systems. I think it soaked deep underground into the aquifers, and spread everywhere, and that is why I was able to detect it in my parents’ drinking water even though we don’t have the same system as the one that got contaminated by the Elk River spill.

I also know, from long and terrible experience, that toxic chemicals do not merely disappear into magical fairyland if you just sit there and wait long enough. There are some substances that do, such as leaves that fall off the trees onto the ground. And if you throw a piece of paper on the ground, then yes, that piece of paper will slowly disappear into magical fairyland if you wait long enough. But other chemicals do not disappear into magical fairyland no matter how long you sit there. They continue to linger, poisoning everyone who comes near them. I believe this is happening now, with the Elk River spill, and that it is still there, in the soil, in the air, in the water, and even deep underground in the aquifer, spreading to all the water supplies in the region, including my parents’ water supply.

My throat burns badly today. It is very unpleasant. I don’t think that this is part of the illness that I had before I came here, I think this is different. This is the residual chemical spill.

I cannot help being a truth teller, nowadays. It seems odd, and very bold of me, to claim that I am able to distinguish the difference between 1. the progression of development of the rabies virus, from 2. the symptoms caused by tiny quantities of residual chemical spill from over a year and a half ago (as it’s now September 2015), and 3. to claim that both of those things are happening to me at the same time. But that is what I am claiming.

Whatever I do, I won’t drink diet soda as an alternative to drinking tap water.

I don’t feel committed to doing this yet

September 14, 2015

I don’t feel like going to the hospital and informing them that I worship Satan. Maybe I’m in denial, but I almost feel like I’m getting better, sort of. Although, with rabies, the ‘I’m getting better’ stage is followed by the ‘total organ failure’ stage. Actually, my throat does sort of hurt more today. I don’t know. I’m just trying to decide if these mild symptoms are happening because I’m quote unquote ‘immune,’ after being vaccinated, so I’m getting mild symptoms as I fight off the virus. As in, I’m getting symptoms, but it isn’t inevitably leading to full blown disease.

I don’t know if a hospital in Charleston will be able to access my medical records in State College. If they can, that’s why I need a fake name. They will see that I was previously rejected twice when I asked for immunoglobulin, and since Rule #1 is: ‘other people know everything,’ that means the doctor will be required to follow the existing precedent, and reject me again, because his ‘peers’ have done so, and he couldn’t go against his peers.

If they can’t see my medical records, I won’t need a fake name.

Of course if I go again, I’ll just let them give me the immunoglobulin along with all the rest of the fake shots that don’t work. The immunoglobulin is the only part that actually works, but since I have to play dumb, I have to pretend that the other shots work too, and I have to be obedient rather than truthful and self-respecting.

Somebody needs to start a rabies charity that will actually tell the truth about this disease. I am not the person to be starting anything at all, no matter how good the idea is. My life is too much of a mess.

It would be helpful to have a charity out there for each and every esoteric rare disease. These diseases are things you only care about when they happen to you. Rare diseases, and rare scenarios as such, just don’t matter to people. Anything is possible. You can’t possibly care about, and get emotionally invested in, or financially invested in, every single bad scenario that exists in the universe no matter how rarely it happens. You have to invest your energy into worrying about scenarios that are very likely to happen and very common, like for instance, you wear your seat belt and drive cautiously, because car wrecks are extremely common and they are a real danger. No one can know about, and care about, and have the resources to deal with, each and every esoteric rare scenario that can possibly happen. And so, no one in American Mainstream Medicine knows how to deal with rabies, because in this country, rabies is rare, although it is common in other countries. Again this is the ‘it only matters if it happens to YOU’ phenomenon. It doesn’t matter as long as the bad luck is striking other people.

What is my name? The day the bat climbed in through the hole in my window screen at Mary Jo’s house; and, of course I do not have hydrophobia!

September 13, 2015

4:00 PM 9/13/2015

I don’t know what my name is yet. But I still live with Mary Jo, and our address is my mailing address (the UPS Store address). There is a hole in the screen in my bedroom window (for real). I decided to take my chances and open the window because the bedroom was so hot in the last few days of August.

This happened only a few days ago, which is the reason why I’m not dead yet and why I seem to be showing no outwardly visible symptoms, today on September 13th (the doctors are all ignorant of how long it takes to develop symptoms, all of them are confused about the amount of time it takes, they seem to think that I would rapidly be dead in, I dunno, like a week or so after being bitten – every single one of the doctors and nurses were ignorant about the ‘prodromal stage,’ which lasts about a month after you are exposed to rabies, during which your symptoms are mild enough that you don’t recognize the disease as anything serious). I don’t know exactly which day it was yet.

So I opened that window with the big hole in the screen at Mary Jo’s house because it was so hot. And during the night a bat came into the room. I tried to make the bat go back out the hole in the screen and it bit me.

I told Mary Jo about it, and she told me I should go get a rabies shot. But I ignored her advice (this bit of drama makes the story so much juicier!). I was a fool for ignoring another person’s advice, because other people are always smarter and more knowledgeable than myself. Mary Jo told me I should go get a rabies shot right away, but I didn’t because I was getting ready to come down to visit my parents in West Virginia. Mary Jo told me I should get a rabies shot because she had heard the commonly known scenario of catching rabies was when you got bitten by a bat in the house, the most familiar and most popular of all possible scenarios.

I ignored Mary Jo’s advice because I am ignorant and irresponsible. What? You’re supposed to get a shot RIGHT AWAY? I didn’t know that! I can’t believe I let it go for a couple days because I was getting ready to come down to West Virginia!

Anything that makes me look ignorant, irresponsible, and inferior is a good, wonderful, juicy, delicious thing that doctors, nurses, and scientists love to hear. If I can add any more details to the story that make me look ignorant, inferior, stupid, uneducated, the lowliest scum of the earth, that will pump up the doctor’s egos and make them more willing to give me what I need.

Doctors and scientists and nurses are always right and they never make mistakes. They always tell the truth. They are never ignorant of any fact, no matter how esoteric that fact might be. Esoteric facts just follow them around and fall out of the sky into their laps because they are doctors and scientists, and that is how they learn about esoteric facts. Esoteric facts just *seek them out*. They are never ignorant of anything. Whatever esoteric fact you need to know, surely a doctor, scientist, or nurse somewhere knows about it. Ask them. They wil know.

I was a fool for letting it go for a couple of days. I didn’t know any better.

My name is XXXXXXX YYYYYYY (false). I live at (mailing address), which is Mary Jo’s apartment (false). Mary Jo is my landlady and she is renting a room to me (true in the past, false in the present). My bedroom in that apartment had a huge hole in the screen (which is actually a real fact). I always kept that window closed (true fact), but it was very hot at the end of August (true fact) so I took my chances and opened it (false, I actually just put up with the heat). Maybe the bat wanted to come in out of the rain (it did rain sometime in the last few weeks, and spiders often come in out of the rain, so maybe bats do too).

I am an ignorant fool (false, in this particular area of knowledge – I am actually more informed about how rabies works than the doctors and nurses are, although I am less informed about many other topics).

I am an ignorant, worthless fool. I am scum. I am inferior. I am stupid. I know nothing. Doctors, scientists, and nurses are always right, and they know everything. They even know everything about a rare disease that hardly ever happens in the United States, which they are not likely to have ever seen before in their entire career. Esoteric diseases and every fact about them are easily and quickly and instantly memorized by all doctors, nurses, and scientists, who make no effort to seek out this information, but rather it falls into their lap from the sky. Maybe they are all required to subscribe to a magazine called ‘Esoteric Facts Nobody Knows About Rare Diseases You’ll Never See In Your Entire Career.’ They have to get that magazine to keep their license as a doctor, nurse, or scientist.

I worship Satan, and I love him. Satan is the Lord of the Universe. There is no truth. Truth is unimportant and does not exist, and if it did exist, I am incapable and unworthy of knowing it.

Also, I do not have hydrophobia, because if I did show any symptoms of rabies, I’d already be dead, because that’s how it works and that’s how long it takes. You can’t just develop hydophobia gradually over a period of weeks. So when I get in the shower and instantly feel like I’m gonna vomit, pass out, and I’m about to have a convulsion as the water pours down around me, it has nothing to do with hydrophobia. It’s just, I dunno, something psychological.

Satan is Lord of the Universe; there is no truth; doctors, nurses, and scientists know everything and are always right; and I am a worthless ignorant fool. Doctor, you are right! Enlighten me with your infinite wisdom! Rabies works exactly the way you say it does! It was written in that magazine you’re required to subscribe to!

Satan is Lord. There is no truth.

getting ready to go to WV

September 11, 2015

It looks as though the paperwork and the money and all the technical details are going to work out. I’m going to rent a car tomorrow and start driving down to WV, and then I will drop off the car someplace down there.

I renewed my driver’s license, but I don’t have the actual plastic card with the photo yet. I was going to go get that today, but then realized that my ‘camera card,’ the piece of paper that was mailed to me, is usable for 60 days. For some strange reason, I thought it was only good for ten days, and I thought I wouldn’t be able to use it to drive home from WV. But it’s okay to use that as my license for two whole months. I started trying to get to the DMV today, then changed my mind and looked at the camera card again, because I was going to have to walk all afternoon to get there and back from the Nittany Mall. I decided not to bother.

I got help from my parents and settled my money enough that I will be able to pay for it.

I have rabies, and I’m going to continue having it while I’m in West Virginia. This morning I woke up extremely thirsty, because I had drunk coffee the day before. Anything that dehydrates me, any caffeine, makes the rabies symptoms worse. The rabies is gradually developing and gradually getting worse. I was extremely dehydrated when I woke up, and I wanted a drink, but when I thought about drinking water, it made me feel like I was going to have a seizure, and I felt like I would vomit at the thought of drinking, even though I was extremely thirsty. That is called hydrophobia, and it is the classic symptom of rabies.

I’m going to have to go to the emergency room in West Virginia, lie to them, and tell them that I got bitten by a bat that flew into my room. I cannot tell lies, because lying requires me to imagine every possible question they might ask me and plan my response, and it requires me to express emotions that match the words I’m saying, and it requires me to understand *why* they are refusing to give me the vaccine, so that I can tell them the key pieces of information that will convince them to do it.

I might even have to tell them a fake name so that they can’t look up my medical history and see that I already tried to get the rabies vaccine twice, while telling the truth, which is that I got rabies from handling my dead cat’s body and inhaling the virus. The stupid morons believe you can’t get rabies by inhalation, but I’ve already gotten it not once, but twice, by inhalation. I’ve also proven that the vaccine part doesn’t work, the part with the killed viruses that are supposed to make you immune, because I’ve gotten rabies a second time only a few months after getting the shots. Only the
immunoglobulin works, nothing else.

Even when I am frothing at the mouth and convulsing, they will not admit that I have rabies. They will say it’s some other unexplained illness, but not rabies, never rabies, because they don’t want me to be right. (I don’t want to be right either, but I am right.)

The American Skullcap soothes the convulsions rapidly. I ate a pinch of it this morning. Within a few minutes, I felt a flush of sensation going into my brain and changing everything, changing the way it all felt. I suddenly became able to think of drinking water without convulsing.

I did not vomit this morning, but I felt like I was going to. As long as I do not let myself become extremely dehydrated and thirsty, the symptoms are mild. I also must not let myself become too hungry, or too tired and sleepy.

I think I might just go home and take a nap, or something, this evening. I will get up tomorrow and make the trip.

I’m being all casual about having rabies, as though it’s no big deal, but I myself am able to be in denial, too, just as easily as the stupid evil morons at the hospital. I’m in denial, thinking maybe the vaccine will really work (the previous vaccine), maybe it will kick in, maybe sooner or later I’ll start fighting off this virus, maybe if I just wait longer it will go away, I don’t really have it, the doctors are right. Unfortunately, I am right and the doctors are wrong, and it isn’t going away, and it is rabies. But I am in denial. I really don’t believe I have it, during the daytime when all is well. It’s in the nighttime that the evil awakens. That must be why foxes and nocturnal animals start moving around in the daytime – it’s the only time when they feel well, and at night, they are too sick.

I’ll be going to the emergency room in West Virginia. I don’t know if I have the balls to go and try again. Maybe I will, later this evening. Maybe I’ll take a nap, then get up and go to the emergency room one more time to try to get the immunoglobulin.

Then, I will have to practice somehow lying. People being bitten by a bat flying into their bedroom is the most commonly accepted method of getting rabies. Morons only believe whatever is familiar and whatever they have already heard before and whatever their authority figures tell them is true, so they will believe that lie. They do not believe it is possible to get rabies by inhalation, and they do not believe it is possible to catch it a second time only a few months after getting the shots because the vaccine doesn’t work (except for the
immunoglobulin part – that works).

So they will do anything at all, bend over backwards to rationalize that I do not have rabies, even if I foam at the mouth and convulse every time they offer me a glass of water. I’m just doing it to get some attention, because I’m sad about my cat’s death. It’s all psychological.

Jesse said his phone isn’t working. That means he broke it, or it means he’s blocking me. I hope that he will start talking to me again once this horror is all over.

An incident occurred which I could not control, due to all of my trauma, my learned helplessness, my denial, my weaknesses, and the fact that the doctors insist that I do not have rabies. This incident will cause the death of an innocent person who will have caught rabies from me. It was not with one of the people I was obsessing over, it was someone else. I will have to tell them how to lie about a bat flying into the room, so that they can go get a rabies shot too, a few weeks from now when they start vomiting uncontrollably and cannot drink water.

No one knows the depth of evil and horror that is my life, the total loss of all control that I have suffered. I have completely and totally lost all control of this situation. It would be nice if someone understood and did not judge me.

I don’t know how long it will be until Jesse speeks to me again.

People are being retyped by the voices, because I mentioned them

September 10, 2015

‘They’ decided the ‘SLE’ guy is probably an ILI. He seems very extraverted and talks a lot, seems like a perceiver, not a judger, and he isn’t Alpha. I thought he had to be Beta/Gamma. He didn’t seem like an SEE, he seemed logical. That left me with only SLE. But ‘talking a lot’ doesn’t make someone an extravert. ‘They’ think he’s an ILI. Their explanation works well enough.

Also, the other lady who I thought was a SLE they are also suggesting she is an ILI, for the same reasons. I’m not sure.

I wish I had an EEG cap so I could just test people that way.

I’m really feeling sick tonight. My head pressure is building up. I drank a lot of coffee, at the diner, and caffeine makes the symptoms worse. I don’t know when I will try to go back to the emergency room. I do not know the lengths I will go to to try to get the
immunoglobulin.

I don’t want to lie and say I got bitten or scratched by an animal when I did not, but it might be necessary to lie in order to save my life. It’s just that I find it almost physically impossible to tell a lie, so physically impossible that I would almost rather die first, than tell a lie to save my life. I cannot tell this particular kind of lie, that is. I’m sure I’m able to tell other kinds of lies, but I feel that I cannot lie about this particular thing, I cannot bear to lie, I cannot lie and perpetuate misconceptions and wrong beliefs and wrong assumptions. People will continue believing, wrongly, that you can only get rabies by being bitten.

I might have to go to a different hospital, then lie and say I got bitten or scratched. I might have to do this while I’m in West Virginia, if the illness persists and increases while I am there. I am expecting that it will. I do not expect to have the slightest immunity from the vaccine of killed viruses. Live virus vaccines are effective in pets, but killed virus vaccines do not work in humans. They give you a killed virus to be safe, because you will actually get the disease from the weakened live virus. But it’s a placebo. It does not work at all, and nobody believes me, and they will not give me the immunoglobulin. It is a death sentence if I do not get it, if I am right.

It might be in West Virginia where I have to convince my parents to take me to the emergency room and give me a shot, and I will have to lie and say I got bitten when I didn’t.

I’m at work, taking a lunch break, but I’m not eating. I just wanted to sit down and write a blog. My head is bothering me – I feel the pressure in the neck, the mild headache, a sick feeling, some nausea, some feelings of weakness, faintness, like I will pass out.