Archive for January, 2016

the ebike

January 29, 2016

I rode the ebike to work today. I don’t like putting hyphens in words, so I’m writing it that way. What can I say, I’m German, and Germans like to just crush all the words together into one long gigantic word.

I think I have to stop using the ginseng. I’m having unexplained anxiety today, which is unusual. I’ve taken it several times in the last couple days, which means I am going through cycles of withdrawal.

It’s partly because I’m anxious about the bike batteries – they have to be wired correctly. I was supposed to have to connect only two wires, but now that I’ve gotten here to work and taken the battery out of the bag, it looks as though some of the wires are not connected together like they should be, and I have no idea how that could have happened, because it was supposed to have been put together for me so I wouldn’t have to do the in-between wiring of the battery groups.

I swear it was fine when I first put it into the bag before I left, but when I got here, the gremlins inside the bag had mysteriously undone it. I’m still not sure if it’s okay or not. It just looked like two of the main wire groups were not connected to each other the way they had been originally, and there was no reason why this could have happened between home and work. So I will have to reconnect the battery subgroups before connecting the whole thing to the motor, when I go home. That wasn’t supposed to happen. I’m sure it was fine when I first put it in there at home!

I might have to call Eric on the phone and have him tell me, from afar, ‘Now hook the blue wire into the red wire – NO! NOT THAT ONE!’ *boom!* Just like on TV. I already have a reputation for trying to burn down the store, due to two recent incidents involving fire.

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Kale for breakfast, and I reached my nutritional benefits plateau

January 28, 2016

Wow, THIS page works great in my browser.  Yikes.  I’m being sarcastic.  I haven’t attempted to use the BloatPress page to write a blog in months.  I normally send it from email so I can avoid this atrociously bad web page.  But since I’m attaching a photo, I decided to use this, and… everything is wrong.  I have to update my browser to the latest one to be able to use this page, which indicates to me that the page was designed by my socionic conflictors and socionic superegos, who always make that sort of web page and refuse to acknowledge that there is anything wrong with making pages so full of garbage that they require the fastest computer processor to run them without a lag.  Ironically, however, there was also a socionic conflictor in the forum about assembly language.  It might also be my supervisee or something that writes this kind of awful web page.  Not sure.  I only know that you can’t argue with these people because they are insane.  They genuinely believe that the more filth and garbage you have cluttering your web page, the better it is, and it’s even better if it’s written in some esoteric new computer programming language (but again, I know of a socionic superego who also complains about bad computer languages).  One of these days I’ll track down one of these people, give them a brain scan, and figure out what type they are once and for all.

SANYO DIGITAL CAMERA

5:08 PM 1/28/2016

Nutrition was most urgent, and I also need to do a decon.  Just last week I was digging through some of my bags of stuff, and I forget exactly what happened, but I got enough contamination on me to cause a reaction, so I was manic this week.  I know which bags they were, and also, it might have been one other thing that came from my parents’ house – I’ll have to check.  I’m not sure if I’ll be able to wash and wear the clothes that got contaminated.

I reached my ‘nutrition plateau.’  If I am malnourished for a long time (weeks or months), and then I suddenly eat healthy vegetables, that is the only time when I notice that nutrition really makes a difference for me.  But then I reach a plateau – I don’t keep getting better and better if I continue to eat nutritious foods, I just stay right at that level.

This just happened.  I brought out my bag from the freezer, some vegetables that I bought a few weeks ago.  It was this sustainably grown frozen kale – not certified as organic, probably because the organic certification is expensive.  I just wanted to try it.

I think the kale is probably what fixed the Sensation of Something Wrong.  I ate the kale yesterday, and woke up this morning noticing that the bad feeling was fixed.  There was a pain everywhere in my body, inside everything, throughout everything, and that pain was suddenly gone.  Note, it is not *completely* gone, and not *all* of my chronic pain is gone – I reached the chronic fatigue syndrome sufferer’s ‘Normal Shitty Baseline,’ as they call it.  I was actually below the Normal Shitty Baseline due to malnutrition for months while camping and not being able to cook healthy foods.

After eating kale yesterday and again today, I spent the whole day sleeping, and I didn’t crave a caffeine pill strongly enough this morning to take one spontaneously.  I take them even when there is no reason to take them.  I also have taken ginseng several times in the past few days, and ginseng is a drug, a so-called ‘tonic.’  It isn’t as bad for me as herbal antidepressants are – I seem to be tolerating ginseng very well.

I am still drinking decaf coffee, right now.  So I am getting caffeine, just perhaps less than usual.

I got my motorized bike set up and working, with the help of Eric and his batteries.  I’m still not 100% certain if I have to plug the positive into the negative, or the positive into the positive.  I haven’t actually plugged it in myself yet.  I have, with his supervision, but he needs to quiz me.  I don’t understand how the batteries work yet.  These are do-it-yourself batteries, not for clueless newbies.  They’re the kind that will explode if you do something wrong.  And it’s extremely easy to do something wrong.  It’s like being on a cop drama where you have to cut the blue wire, not the black wire, in dim lighting where blue and black look the same.

So, about this picture that I’m going to attach.  This is mostly leftovers.  The whitish yellow blob on the top of the plate is a fried egg.  To the right is scrapple.  Both the eggs and the scrapple are from normal factory farms.  I used the shared eggs from the fridge, but of course I bought my own scrapple because no one else eats that.  They are fried in Indian ghee.  I have no information about the quality or sources of the ghee.

I’d love to eat organic, pasture raised organ meat products if they existed and were available, but unfortunately, I can only find things like ground beef – no organs, no sausages, nothing like scrapple that I really enjoy.  Just muscle meat.

On the bottom is the ‘sustainably grown’ kale.  I dumped my leftover organic pico salsa on top of it, to get rid of it, because the salsa was beginning to spoil and get fizzy, like soda, although it was still edible and did not make me sick.

To the left at 9:00 is kim chee.  It actually doesn’t contain any offensive ingredients, although it is not organic.  If I recall correctly, all of the ingredients in it qualify as ‘real’ by my criteria – for example, it doesn’t contain any ‘natural flavors,’ which actually are artificial.  It contains anchovies – that is the source of the flavor.

On the left is the bowl of rice.  This is a weird mix of stuff.  It’s organic rice that I cooked in bulk.  I cooked the whole bag of it (just a small to medium sized bag, I forget how much) and then froze it in small containers so I could pull it out as needed and thaw it.

Then I tossed in some green curry sauce from a bottle, but again, this particular brand of sauce seems to contain very few offensive ingredients such as ‘natural flavors.’  It’s the Sherwood or Sharwood brand, something like that.  Just the very WORD ‘natural flavors’ makes me angry.  It’s still made in a laboratory, still extracted using chemicals, still processed in a factory, and it can come from ANY ‘natural’ source, including the anal glands of beavers.  They LOVE to tell you that your vanilla ice cream is ‘naturally flavored’ and then laugh at you while you eat juice from beaver butts.

Anyway, so it’s rice with green curry sauce, and on top, I threw some organic unflavored yogurt.  On top of that, I suddenly decided to put my ‘In The Raw’ brown sugar crystals, making it more like a dessert.  I’m used to eating rice as a dessert at Indian restaurants.

I don’t really like the unflavored yogurt, but I am anti-vanilla.  I don’t believe that the universal default flavor of every unflavored substance should automatically always be vanilla (or worse, beaver butt juice, or artificial vanilla flavor).  That’s just stupid and uncreative.  Why vanilla?  Why this one particular unique substance, when we have an entire planet full of millions of other potential default flavors?  So I got unflavored unsugared organic whole milk yogurt, and lo and behold, I don’t like it.  It has to be mixed with things to make it more palatable.  I threw it on top of the rice, and dumped sugar on it, and that worked – it’s palatable now.

So, that was my breakfast this morning.  I had already eaten something similar but less elaborate last night, with organic garlic chopped into the scrapple, and eggs mixed into the scrapple, and then just the kale, and nothing else but that.  Oh wait, I did add some of the fizzy spoiling salsa yesterday too.

I still need to try the nightshade-free diet.  Someone somewhere on some forum said that once they started supplementing with vitamin K, they no longer reacted badly to nightshades.  This is interesting, but even so, I’d still like to go nightshade free, just to see if I can eliminate even more of my low-level chronic unexplained body pain and fatigue.

As I get my electric bike working, and find out how far it can go before it runs out the batteries, I’ll become able to more easily shop at other stores around town.  So I’ll be able to go to Nature’s Pantry, for instance, and get some organic food there.  It’s inconvenient to get there now.  There are a couple other places, like the Chinese food stores, that I’d also like to go to.

Kale is a goitrogen, I think.  It’s a cruciferous vegetable.  I could be wrong about that, and I need to look it up to be sure.  I’m fairly sure it is a goitrogen.  When I eat goitrogenic cruciferous vegetables for only ONE DAY, I can feel swelling in my throat around the thyroid, and, like I said, I spent the whole day sleeping.  Yes – it is a goitrogen – I googled it.  This is the reason why we don’t narrow down our vegetable varieties to just a couple little families.  We are supposed to eat a wide variety of vegetable families.

I will eat pigweed and lamb’s quarters, which are a similar species – I love both of them and don’t notice any bad symptoms from eating them.  They can be grown in enormous quantities for profit, if only people would eat them.  They are the superweeds that defeated Monsanto.  Well, actually I don’t know if they really are superweeds, but I like to imagine that they are.  I don’t think either of them are a goitrogen.

That’s why I don’t want to call kale a superfood, or any other vegetable in that family – broccoli, etc.  They REALLY ARE goitrogens.  If you eat them, your thyroid swells up and you sleep all day like I did.  People think they have to eat nothing but kale, make it into smoothies, drink a kale smoothie every single day, because kale is a ‘superfood’ and you just can’t possibly ever eat too much kale – there is no such thing as too much kale!  I don’t like the word ‘superfood’ for that reason.

I’m also eating cabbage, but don’t seem to notice as strong of a goitrogenic reaction to cabbage.  Unfortunately, it’s also less nutritious.

Jesse is still in California training, so he doesn’t have his phone, and isn’t back yet to see what happened with Kaelin and me.

I still haven’t gotten a new boyfriend to replace him, which means outbreaks of mania are much more dangerous than they were for the past two years.  Over the past two years when Jesse was in my life, if I had any outbreaks of drug residue mania, it was directed at him.  Now, I can’t direct it at him.

A paid disinformation agent introduced me to Dr. Mercola years ago.

January 27, 2016

Give credit where credit is due. I was on youtube, probably under the username ‘eagledove9,’ I think, arguing with someone about
vaccinations. His arguments seemed empty and he kept calling me names rather than saying anything of substance. He had a profile that seemed to be lacking any personal information. I was more confident than usual because I had only recently read about Edward Snowden revealing that these paid trolls actually exist. They actually get paid, for real, by wealthy corporations and banks, to sit around commenting on websites all day and all night long, and re-editing Wikipedia, to make sure that people are confused about what is true and what is false, and to hide information that they don’t want people to know. If there are ever a whole bunch of trolls shouting that something is a ‘conspiracy theory,’ then you can bet that it’s actually true, and the big corporations and government are paying people to hide the truth.

So I accused this guy of being a paid disinformation agent. I didn’t just accuse him once, I accused him repeatedly while he continued to call me insulting names. During this battle, he called me a creep. I don’t remember what I said, but I mentioned something about
alternative medicine, so he mentioned Mercola. He inserted it into his sentence – he said something like, ‘Leave me alone, you mercola creep!’ (He had already said, ‘Go away, you creep,’ previously.)

I’d heard of Mercola before during random searches on the internet but had never stayed very long to read the website. After that, I went to the website again, and I believe that’s when I signed up for the RSS feed. This was a couple years ago.

So, it was a paid troll calling me a creep during an argument about vaccines, I think, who suggested that I might like Mercola’s website.

TrolloPedia must have decided, ‘the less said about Dr. Mercola, the better.’

January 26, 2016

It doesn’t say anything about his personal biography, almost nothing. They can barely even speak a sentence without inserting words like ‘controversial,’ ‘unverified,’ ‘scientifically unproven,’ and so on, before every single grammatical construct. So it’s like this. ‘Dr. Mercola, that controversial unscientific guy, advocates (probably falsely) that nutrition is important for health (an unproven assertion which science has yet to come to a final conclusion about – see below for studies proving otherwise).’ You know, the usual stuff we’d expect from TrolloPedia, which is filled with people who get paid to spend all day long doing nothing but re-editing TrolloPedia pages to make sure that they never go against the drug industry. But nothing about his personal life. I’ll have to look elsewhere to find out about that wife and those kids. I *swear* I looked this up somewhere before and I saw that he had a wife. But I have no idea where I read it.

still haven’t told the Jesse story; I need a new husband

January 26, 2016

I’m about to punch in at work, but I won’t get to write much of anything. Now that Jesse has a girlfriend his own age, who says she’s going to marry him, I have to look for another man. I’ll ask Dr. Mercola if he has any wives yet, and if he wants another one. I *was* recently complaining about age differences and saying I didn’t want to go with an older man again (as I have many, many times in the past), but eh, I’ll make an exception. My only concern was that I need to feel that my knowledge and competence are respected by someone, and I had a few experiences where older men were condescending or
patronizing to me, due to my youth and ignorance. But I don’t get that vibe from Mercola, since he writes about topics I’m equally interested in. Just have to find out about his wives and kids. Aside from that, I have no idea which guy I could possibly get along with. I haven’t been using the dating website for the last couple days. I just barely started to go back to them, but I can’t stand to painstakingly sift through piles of dead bodies while listening to the screaming of lost tortured souls and being attacked by the vilest demons of hell, therefore, using a dating website is no fun for me.

another upset stomach day

January 23, 2016

I was trying to eat a banana today (we have free-for-all shared bananas, and I’m going in banana debt by eating them) and was suddenly so sick I could not even finish eating a single banana. I don’t know if I should maybe call off sick from work. I *was* going to try to go to work. I haven’t actually vomited yet.

I still did not tell the Jesse story. It will eventually be told. I’m still sending emails to him, but I unfriended him on facebook, and also his mom, so that I wouldn’t see updates from them, and as a gesture of trying to disconnect. It’s not working, because I keep going and looking at his facebook page anyway to see if he’s put anything new there. He’s been training in California, allegedly without his phone, so he hasn’t been online. I don’t know when he’ll be back to his house / apartment thing on base in Washington.

I really feel sick. Really, really sick. It’d be nice to call off today. They’re gonna have lots of other calloffs.

I’m sick because Precipitation Brings Disease. Diseases fall from the sky, within the rain and snow, which is composed of water condensed around a germ core. New life is created every day from scratch up in the atmosphere, where ions in the clouds provide energy for their formation. However, they create the same basic germs over and over again, the easiest ones to create. Less-likely germ combinations aren’t created as often. That’s my theory.

When I was camping, I felt the ions and electricity in the clouds. Even if there was no lightning, I could lie there on the ground and feel the electricity running through my body, which was terrifying and uncomfortable, and it often felt like it would make my heart stop beating, during rainstorms. You don’t get this feeling indoors where you are shielded by the walls.

I’m just getting sicker by the minute. I might have to take this seriously and decide what to do.

upset stomach today. Have not yet told the latest Jesse story.

January 22, 2016

I only have a couple more minutes before I punch in at McDonald’s. Jesse had a new girlfriend, but was perfectly willing to have sex with me when he came home for Christmas break. However, he was not his usual self. I don’t have time to tell the story. This girl says she’s going to marry him. I have to start using dating websites again, which means endless misery. It’s not possible to have a sexual, romantic relationship with my roommates – we can’t bring out each other’s emotions in the way that duals would, and we will always have some kind of a barrier between us. The sexual attraction exists, but only on the couple of days when I’m ovulating, and at that time, it’s still an extremely difficult barrier to overcome, almost impossible. I have to find someone new quickly, to end my suffering and to make Jesse cease to exist as soon as possible. His new girlfriend is 20 years old, a stupid redneck who is mainstream in every possible way, with two kids. I cannot possibly compete against a stupid redneck. Stupid rednecks win against nonconformist intellectuals EVERY TIME.

McDonald’s! Get rid of your moving, dancing, changing, chaotic computerized menu boards NOW! They are universally hated by EVERYONE!!

January 16, 2016

Just because it’s *possible* nowadays to make a menu that moves, shifts, changes, dances, highlights various things, splashes colors and moving images around, and advertises the most expensive items you have, while simultaneously not showing the dollar menu with the cheapest items AT ALL, ANYWHERE, EVER, to prevent people from buying the cheap items because they don’t know they exist, can’t remember offhand what exactly they are unless they look at the list, and don’t go to McDonald’s often enough to remember all of the items you have available on your ever-growing ‘secret menu,’ doesn’t mean it’s GOOD to make that kind of a menu! ‘Possible to do’ does not equal ‘good to do.’

Ooooh! I don’t even have time to write about this. I was trying to order something from the position of a customer behind the counter. Normally, I type it into the computer myself, because I just can’t recall offhand every single item we can make here, unless I look at the list, or unless I walk down around the table where we make the food and I get a feel for whatever it is that I want. But today, I tried to just order something as a customer, and I felt like I wanted something a little different from what I normally order. The only reason I am able to order anything at all is because I’ve ordered before and I remember what I like. But what if I don’t want that particular thing today? I have to look at a list and see what looks good.

McDonald’s began as a place that served only a few simple items that were quick and easy to prepare. It was fast, because those items were so small and so simple they could be prepared in a couple of seconds, and they were also cheap. Those happen to be the very same items which are now hidden and invisible on a computerized menu that shows only the most expensive, most complex, most time-consuming items, such as the grilled chicken sandwiches, instead of McDoubles, McChickens, and so on. There are literally dozens and dozens of ordinary items that are simply nowhere to be found on the computerized menu that you see if you walk in and order from the lobby.

Don’t tell me that sit-down eaters are willing to wait for food that takes longer. Most of them still want to eat the quick, simple foods instead of the expensive ones. Forcing your profit-making strategies down the customers’ throats, rather than giving them what they want, is a bad strategy!

Nope on the caffeine thing. Not yet.

January 16, 2016

Maybe it will be easier after I get my motorized bike. I’m in so much pain I can’t get out of bed. I took two caffeine pills this morning just to get up. Exercise is horrible for chronic fatigue sufferers, who, for some reason, switch to using anaerobic respiration instead of aerobic – I’m going to have to get a link to the test where they found this out – and they use up resources which are no longer available the next time they exercise. It’s really some metabolic thing which is real, similar to how diabetes is real. Something metabolic. Probably caused by vaccines or something, I don’t know, but sometimes, ordinary viruses can cause chronic illness too, and they might have even been wild viruses that were natural for all I know. But I doubt chronic fatigue syndrome strikes healthy native indigenous tribal people who have no Weston Price deformities and are eating a totally primitive diet in a chemical-free environment.

I’m going to try to shower, which is probably a mistake, because I’ll be late for the bus.

When I get a motorized bike, I won’t be so exhausted when I come home from work. I also need to change my availability somewhat. I’ll need a few more hours.

I ordered the bike motor. I have no accessories for it, but, as I said yesterday, the first obstacle is merely trying to attach it to the bike without any problems, and if we get through that obstacle then we’ll move on. There might be some problem with the size of the spindle and the thingamabob. The whatchamajigger. (My gmail underlines that word with the spellchecker. Apparently
whatchamajigger isn’t a real word.)

I desperately need new shoes, too. My feet hurt and the holes in the shoes go all the way through. Water and snow and ice are getting in them.

I’m drinking decaf. My brain is much slower, but I can read technical books and learn again! I haven’t done that in years

January 15, 2016

1:42 PM 1/15/2016

It’s a good thing I’m not driving a car. I have had two incidents today already where my slower response time caused me to almost run into two different people, on my way into McDonald’s (while walking through a crowd, that is). First I almost ran into the store manager, and then I almost ran into another manager a few minutes later. I had to go through the crowd of people who were rushing around to get the food out the drive thru window.

I’m cutting back on caffeine now. I’m temporarily drinking instant decaf at home, which Jason called ‘powdered cancer,’ and I agree with him, it is not an ideal thing to be drinking. I’m already having digestive irritation from something, and I’m tracing it back to several new things I’ve had recently, and I will see what happens. The decaf coffee is one of the suspects. However, I also took ginseng a couple days ago and I suspect that, too. I’m also drinking an unfamiliar brand of organic milk, the Weis generic brand, and it has a suspicious quality problem – it’s producing gases while it sits there in the fridge. I open the lid and gas comes out, and the sides are bulging on the container, even though it’s within the expiration date.

I’m immersed in a house full of SLIs who all understand my desire to stop eating bad foods and break my addictions to things. At the same time, they sympathize with my need to drink coffee because they are all drinking it too, and yet they can understand the desire to quit, and have at various times attempted to quit or cut back, themselves.

The dad, however (I’m not calling him by name when I speak to him, but his name is Mike, I just tend to forget his name because I never say it out loud), doesn’t get my desire for organic foods. He’s part of the older generation (he’s not that much older than I am, but what I mean is, younger people are probably more likely to know about this kind of thing, I suspect, from the internet) who takes for granted that everything we eat is safe and okay and there’s no meaning to the ‘organic’ label, which is bordering on fraudulent and merely tricks people into buying things at a higher price for no reason.

I’m not planning on drinking this instant decaf forever. I’m just taking a step down from my extremely high usual caffeine levels, before I go all the way to zero, hopefully to prevent myself from doing that thing where I do nothing at all except sleep in bed for two or three weeks and am totally incapacitated and unable to even work.

Slow response time might be the real reason why people who drink coffee supposedly live longer than people who don’t. If you’re driving a car, caffeine-free, and you have a slow response time, you might crash more often.

However, I don’t believe scientific studies that go against my own values or my own observations. I don’t believe caffeine is good for you, and I know (from *other* scientific studies) that caffeine depletes minerals from your body, and speeds up your bowel movements greatly, which you will notice when you quit and suddenly everything stops moving for several days while your body recovers. If your bowel moves faster, you’re absorbing fewer nutrients. I also notice that my brain functions *extremely* differently when I quit caffeine. Already, after only a couple days of cutting back on caffeine, I am able to read technical books and learn technical knowledge again, which I was completely unable to do while excessively caffeinated.

There is no happy medium. Absolute zero is the ideal amount of caffeine, from all sources, including that ‘healthy’ green tea we’re all supposed to be drinking, or soda, or coffee, or caffeine pills, or guarana, or anything else.

Not just ‘one cup of coffee per day is fine.’ There is no such thing as a mere ‘one cup of coffee’ in the real world. It instantly triggers a strong craving for more and more coffee, and unless you live an extremely rigid, controlled, routinized, predictable life, where you are eating an ideal diet which is perfectly under your control at all times, working at home so that you aren’t stressed at a busy job all day – if you have a zero-stress job where you get to sit down on a chair in an office all day, it might be possible to restrict and control everything you eat and drink so that you only drink one single pre-planned cup of coffee per day. But someone who rides a bike to work, has an extremely disorganized and stressful life, has almost no control over what she eats and drinks, is living with people who take up space in the fridge and on the countertops so that I cannot set up a food-production system (I’m going to, though, in spite of that).

I’m having some anger problems today. It’s partly because of withdrawal. I just had another cup of decaf, and my mood improved. It contains a small amount of caffeine, greater than zero, and it contains other substances, probably, which resemble caffeine and/or convert into caffeine during metabolization (like theobromine and theophylline).

I got in the middle of writing this and had to punch in. I lost track of the time. Now I’m on break and I’m trying to remember what I was going to say.

Remember a couple days ago when I said ‘racism is legit?’ In some ways it is. However, I don’t like it, and I don’t approve of treating people differently. I myself am socially inferior from being female and have sometimes been aware of men disrespecting me. I’m also small, so I suffer small-ism too, which is real, not a joke. Small people are disrespected. Politicians and people in high offices are always, invariably, people who have the fewest Weston Price
deformities, who do not have small, skinny, stunted bodies that failed to grow.

Anyway I was watching a show that Jason was watching, and of course, the one guy who got killed WAS THE BLACK GUY. I don’t like that sort of thing. I actually kind of like watching movies made in Africa, with all-African actors, who can’t treat each other unequally due to racism, but must instead find some other reasons to mistreat each other. Maybe they mistreat each other according to their tribes and their genders and ages and all that. Africa’s got plenty of sexism (the ‘horrific and brutal physical cruelty to women’ type of sexism).

My brain is working differently, the less caffeine I use. I picked up a technical book off the shelf, since I’m living in the house of an electrical engineer, and I started reading about how to design radio frequency circuits. I don’t do that kind of thing when I’m
caffeinated. You’d think the opposite is true, but no, caffeine destroys my brain, and I have to be 100% cold turkey to get the most benefits of being off it – no coffee, no soda, no tea, no chocolate, nothing else with caffeine.

I ordered an electric bike motor. It should be in the mail soon. I don’t have all the parts I need, but I’m going to work on one bit at a time, because there will almost surely be unexpected obstacles to overcome, based on what I’ve read and seen. This is the intended benefit of living with Eric, Jason, and their dad (although their dad is going to a different house soon, to be near his girlfriend, as he’s divorced).

And Jesse. Still working on that.

I need a method of quickly and easily EEG-typing people. I need to use an EEG cap that doesn’t go all over the whole head, but instead interprets the little bit of information that you can get from the bare skin that doesn’t have any hair on it, because I also intend to type people who have dreadlocks, and some dreadlocks are impossible to get through, as I know from my own (which I had in the past). It’s probably possible to type someone based on the tiny bits of
information going to other places besides the top of the skull.

It might even be possible to type them from their acupuncture points, I don’t know. It’s worth a try. It would be very convenient if you could quickly type someone just by attaching one electrode to their hand, or something. Of course, the people who are reading my mind are doing it without even touching my body, but it took them years and years to figure me out, because the first couple years they just spent torturing me, being stupid, wasting time, and destroying life, without understanding who I was. Let’s figure out what kind of person this is by causing them horrible pain and suffering and finding out if they crack or not! That’s how they did it. That’s not the right way to type people.

Time is passing too quickly and I’m not noticing.

Oh yeah, I forgot to talk about how the wheat flour in the cookies I was eating, for only a few weeks during the holidays, caused my back to start slouching from osteoporosis, and how I got over it quickly by eating less wheat flour and eating more vitamin D (unfortunately, it’s just the synthetic vitamin D in milk, but still. I really, really need a REAL source of vitamin D and also vitamin K, but I won’t eat natto.).

and fix the obnoxious mood!

January 9, 2016

I’m not sure what’s causing it, but I am irritable at work, singing songs during a busy rush when we got a bus, having a terrible attitude, complaining, being theatrical, making jokes. I’m really, really annoying. Something is causing a crazy, bad mood.

urgent: get organic milk!

January 9, 2016

I’ve been sharing the ‘Hormone Milk’ which they bought and have at the house. It’s urgent that I must stop drinking this milk immediately, because I can feel the artificial cow hormones affecting my own body, and this week, my LH surge will be happening. My hormones are already increasing slowly, and it seems that I feel the symptoms before the actual LH surge shows up on the ovulation test. I can’t find the test – it’s buried in my bags of junk. I haven’t sorted that stuff out yet. I’m having some… issues. The only way to fix or greatly reduce these symptoms is to reduce my intake of artificial cow hormones as quickly as possible. I still don’t know if any
prescription drugs have ever been used by anyone in this house – I will need to be extremely cautious if there are drug residues. I’m not having extreme behavior changes yet, except for the
hormone-induced mood that I am in. I also took caffeine pills several times, and those cause me to have some symptoms too. If I’m going to use caffeine at all, I should avoid the pills and use coffee instead.

So if I’m not too tired after work, I will have to go to Weis and buy milk. I can’t ride the bus home, I don’t think. But I rode the bus in to work today. It’s a five mile bike ride, and I was extremely tired on the way home last night. There was a point where I just sort of said, ‘ohhhhhh…’ and felt like I was going to just lie down on the road that very instant, even though the road was cold, wet, and icy. I was just *done*. I don’t know if it was worse, or better, than riding down Branch Road every day and then pushing my bike up the steep hill of Mt. Nittany Road, which took like two hours every day, when I lived on Mt. Nittany.

All that I can say is that it’s really urgent that I get the artificial hormone ‘supplements’ out of my diet immediately.

Xanax residue?

January 8, 2016

The voices have been mentioning ‘Xanax.’ I guess it’s an X, right? Or a Z? I don’t know. I’m wondering if anyone in the family has used any drugs, and if so, are there residues in the clothes washer? I’m behaving a little bit strangely at work, as though I now have residues in my clothing – I washed my uniform… or, wait, did I? I forget now. No – it wasn’t the uniform I washed, it was something else, I think. I don’t remember what I washed. The point is, I need to know if anyone in the family has used any prescription drugs. I need to know if my behavior is being affected by them.

I have no idea how long it will take to ride to work. A rant about the poisons everywhere in modern society, and then about parasites in raw meat.

January 8, 2016

I haven’t finished unpacking all my stuff. It’s all in huge piles around my room. I took two caffeine pills this morning because my whole body hurts, probably from moving my belongings a couple nights ago, and also because I took a little walk yesterday. Is his name Mike? I haven’t sorted out what to call Mr. Dad. I think his name is Michael. Anyway, he doesn’t understand chronic fatigue syndrome and he is one of the people who believe that exercise can improve it – the opposite is true. People with chronic fatigue syndrome have been found to be using anaerobic respiration instead of aerobic
respiration, an abnormal respiratory pathway, and this depletes some kind of resources, causing them to have fewer resources the next day if they do the same exercise again. They tested it on people riding an exercise bike. Normal people’s performance improved the next day. People with chronic fatigue were worse the next day, and their bodies went into using anaerobic respiration even sooner than before, suggesting that some kind of limited resource (say, something like glycogen, or whatever – the liver sugar) was used up. (That might not be the right sugar, but I’d have to look it up and I don’t have time.)

I have to ride my bike to work. I don’t have a motorized bike yet. I’ll have to sit down with Eric. But I have to save up enough money, a couple hundred bucks, to buy one first, instead of just asking them to give me one.

I took these two caffeine pills, and now I want to talk to people. But, again, I don’t have time.

I am foreseeing the year. Time is hemorrhaging already. I know this, because it’s been over a week since Jesse left, and it seems like ages and ages ago that he was here and I was holding him in my arms. He refuses to answer any phone calls. I’m still coughing – I can’t stop coughing – ever since that tiny fraction of a single puff of a cigarette. I probably got cancer from one single tiny fraction of a puff.

I am foreseeing the year, and it does not look good. Inevitable trends are going in directions I don’t want them to go. I am seeing how small and esoteric I am, how universal is my suffering, how universal is my uniqueness. Everyone is unique. How can I find a replacement for Jesse? I was specifically given somebody who had absolutely no hope of producing children with me. Now, he won’t even communicate with me.

I’m in pain, and the caffeine pills make the pain go away, but I still cannot move. I need to get up and start getting ready to take my bike ride to work. It’s going to be a long bike ride, unless I can figure out how to take the bus. It’s possible to take the bus at least part way, but I need to look at the schedule. I’d also like to take a shower. However, I feel like there is something I need to say first, although I also feel like I’m seeking feedback from other people – that I want to ask people something, and get a reply from them, and actually listen to the reply.

Having this urge to seek feedback and listen to the reply is unusual. It might have something to do with being surrounded by three other SLIs, one of whom is more successful in his job than I am, who has fewer Weston Price deformities (although, by the standards of primitive cultures, he still is not fully formed compared to them, he just has less severe facial and body deformities than his sons do).

I keep finding that he is similar to me, and yet, at the same time, he doesn’t understand because he hasn’t experienced it. He doesn’t believe in hopelessness, and yet, some situations are truly hopeless. For example, permanent damage to the body is hopeless. You can’t get it back. He doesn’t understand permanent, incurable, hopeless damage to the body and permanent incurable illness. He thinks it has a cure. He wants to believe it’s curable. He feels that if he doesn’t express a positive, hopeful, optimistic outlook, he has failed somehow, and something bad will happen.

If you admit it has no cure, then it means bonding with despair. It means depression and sadness. It means you’re obligated to care for somebody who needs help, to give and receive absolutely nothing in return. It means charity. It means duties to society, to the billions of people with incurable, intractable problems that cannot be solved and will never be solved. It means an enormous burden which is too huge for any single person to bear. It means endless pain, a constant reminder of pain and suffering. There will be some day when a person can no longer hide their pain and suffering, can no longer pretend that everything is okay, when the problem is so severe that they just absolutely cannot pretend to be happy and normal anymore.

So, this is giving me a feeling: universal human needs. I am not alone. Everyone is unique, and everyone is suffering. But the specifics of people’s suffering differ, and they have different priorities. They believe that some particular specific thing must come sooner than other things, things which they themselves have not yet encountered or experienced.

For example, I believe in the existence of breast cancer. However, I don’t have breast cancer myself, and I can’t put a high priority on curing breast cancer, treating breast cancer, coping with the deaths of people who have cancer, and so on. That whole world is alien to me. It could happen, but it is a low priority for me personally. Everyone has their priorities, based on which particular problems are happening to them right now. I also believe in the existence of ebola, and malaria, and random accidents and bodily injuries, and I believe in the existence of kidnapping, and torture, and I believe in the existence of widespread abuse of women in some countries – all of those things exist, but none of them are my own personal top priority.

So, anyone who hasn’t experienced chronic fatigue syndrome is able to prioritize it or understand it the way I do. Because of my chronic fatigue, I am keenly aware of just how much work-slavery is needed to succeed in society, how effective and competent and knowledgeable you have to be, how many hours you have to work, how much you have to focus. It’s not just the chronic fatigue syndrome, it’s also the attacks on my brain, the combination of those two things,
incapacitating me and causing me to fail at life.

I was thinking of China recently. I looked at an online news page about China, and saw something about ice sculptures. They made these enormous, beautiful ice sculptures that were thousands of times bigger and better, more elaborate and beautiful, and huge, than the pathetic ugly ones we had in State College, which are always disappointing, but I always go walk around to see them anyway. Imagine if we compared ourselves to China, and felt the pressure to out-perform them, to make our ice sculptures better than theirs.

That made me aware of the culture of achievement and competition. There is a huge pressure to be better than other people, to do something bigger than they do. If you *are competent and healthy*, then you are able to compete! If you are not competent and not healthy, then you fail. The most competent, healthy people in the world, the most intelligent, the least affected by modern poisons and yet most empowered by modern technology, are in China. They don’t eat wheat, they don’t drink much alcohol (although they do smoke tons of cigarettes), and they tend to have fewer facial deformities, and tend to be more slender than we are, and racially, they are smarter.

I’m not going into the discussion of racism right now, but suffice it to say… racism is legit. I just don’t like it. It’s legit, but I wish that it wasn’t. There are some racial handicaps that people cannot overcome. Black people can’t produce much vitamin D, for instance, unless they get tons of direct sunlight, which suggests that they will be healthier if they all move south to the equator. It cannot be a mere accident or coincidence that there are almost 0% black musicians among my lists of favorite songs and favorite bands. I can find almost none. I only recently remembered ‘Jump’ by the Pointer Sisters. That’s out of my entire 41 years of life.
Meanwhile, I can find things that are… oh, I’ve had two caffeine pills.

I need to get ready for work, and I should try to eat solid foods. I was just kind of nauseated and didn’t want to eat.

Anyway, I had this realization that there is a huge pressure to achieve something great, to build something big, in China, which is different from what we have here, but the result is that they *do* achieve something great. And they *can* achieve something great, whereas I personally cannot, and any unhealthy, deformed people with reduced IQs due to the Weston Price deformities, and chemical poisoning from farms, cannot. There’s a farmer’s field across the street from this house. I walked there yesterday. Could those farm poisons have caused Eric and Jason’s stunted growth and face and body deformities? They’ve lived here their whole lives, and so, that farm was there decades ago, poisoning the air and the water. The answer is yes, it would have contributed to their deformities.

Racism: even if we grew up perfectly formed, achieving our race’s highest potential, we would still have a lower potential than the Chinese, and the Africans would still have a lower potential than we do.

I should eat something… I should take a shower. I should plan how the hell I’m going to get all the way to Hills Plaza McDonald’s from here without a motorized bike. I need to get out my water filter, and start filtering my drinking water, to prevent me from being nauseated. It’s really important. It’s somewhere in my pile of belongings.

There are so many poisons. The poisons are in the air, in the tap water, in the soil that we walk on, in the soil that our food grows in, from the factories, from the cars, in our building materials, in our clothing, in the pesticides we spray around the house, in our housecleaning sprays, in every drug we take, even over-the-counter ordinary drugs, and there are esoteric and unusual poisons such as the ephedra residues that I got all over my belongings, which caused me to have to throw in the garbage everything I own, and move into a tent, and get rid of my car – it was as bad as a meth lab contamination. There are poisons in the oil we use to heat our houses and run our motors. I can smell it, I smell the oil from the motor, I just don’t know what it’s being used for, I’m confused because he was explaining to me how the heat worked, and it sounded like water heat, hot water going through pipes to the radiators. But I smell the oil, and they have an oil tank, and he said he needed to get it filled. There are poisons in the frying pans we cook with. Everything everywhere is poisonous. The safest thing to do is go back to the most primitive materials, but even those must be chosen knowledgeably.

I’d like some cooking pots made with locally available clay that was baked without any additional modern chemicals, baked in the most primitive ways, maybe clay filled with some kind of plant or animal fibers. I can’t use cast iron pans – the tiny traces of mineral iron make me get constipated. Jason is gung ho on the cast iron pan thing, and I totally get it, too, if only I had no knowledge of constipation from iron. I’d be all into cast iron pans myself, if it weren’t for that.

So, I need: hot stones, heated in the wood fire, and clay pots, made without modern chemicals of any kind whatsoever. I can’t trust anybody to produce those sorts of primitive clay pots – all of them will secretly be like, ‘Well, I can’t make this clay pot without adding synthetic manmade poisonous chemical #2,538,363! The clay pot will crumble and fall apart and it won’t have this nice, fancy, shiny coating on the outside like we’ve come to expect from clay pots!’ I need primitive cooking methods, all of them, including things like putting some bamboo over the fire with the food on it, and that kind of thing.

I cook meat because it gives me parasites. I’ve experienced many, many nonlethal parasitic infections. They cause me to have
incapacitating fatigue, and they also keep me awake all night long. I can feel the extremely disturbing sensations of parasites crawling everywhere in my body, when I eat raw meat or raw fish. It isn’t the bacteria. Everyone has been fooled into believing that ‘bacteria’ is the big problem with meat. Bacteria is the smallest, most trivial of all the problems. Bacteria will happen if you close your food inside a container without oxygen and then leave it there until it develops botulism, which will kill you. That’s one of the only times when bacteria is a big deal. I mean, when you leave food at room temperature all day long, yes, then bacteria is a problem.

But I’m talking about food that’s been kept cold, is perfectly clean, has been in a refrigerator or freezer, and has been properly handled from the moment when it was produced. When you buy meat like that, then bacteria is the most trivial and least likely problem. When you buy the highest quality meat, handled the most carefully from the moment it’s produced, there is absolutely no reason at all to cook it, AT ALL…. except PARASITES. People have been misled. Doctors will tell you that all sensations of parasites crawling around through your body are nothing but a delusion, because they can’t find those parasites. But the parasites are extremely small, and you’d have to chop open your body, surgically, at the exact place where you felt the sensation, in order to prove it was there, and it might be
microscopically small. It would be extremely difficult to prove the existence of all the parasites that I have felt crawling through my body. But there is no reason to assume that they do not exist. DOCTORS ARE FUCKING ASSHOLE BASTARDS. That is all. Nothing more needs to be said. That is the reason why they tell you that your parasites do not exist.

I had been planning to experiment with acid on meat, soaking it in acid, like vinegar, or strong acid, to make it seem as though the meat was inside the stomach being digested – pre-digesting the meat before eating it, and then, removing the fluids that the meat was soaking in, because the parasites would have been awakened from their spores, from their capsules that they were enclosed inside of, by the acid. That’s when they start moving around and then they burrow through the walls of your intestine, and get into the bloodstream, or the lymph, or wherever they go to travel all over your body. I have felt them in all parts of my body, not merely in the intestines – they get out, and they crawl through random places, everywhere. Anyway, the theory was that I would soak the raw meat in acid, making the parasites wake up, and then I would discard the liquid that the meat was soaking in, which would discard the parasites. I have not had a chance to do this experiment yet.

My stomach is growling. I’m sitting here talking about raw meat because I ate two caffeine pills and had nothing for breakfast except a few bites of organic banana chips to help me swallow the pills. It’s time to get ready for work. Damn it! I hate hurrying to work.

I can’t check this for typos. I’m leaving any that are in there.

my landlord is an electrical engineer

January 7, 2016

Their father is an electrical engineer who also worked at State of the Art, Inc. I need to clarify which dates he worked there, but I think he said he worked there after I left (after I was laid off). He and I talked briefly about some things, such as transducers and the attributes of electricity and waves. Sooner or later, during a private moment, I’ll steer the conversation into the subject of my being able to perceive unwanted physical and mental effects from electromagnetic radiation. Electrical engineers who worked for a company that produced parts for the military will surely be aware of the existence of ‘non-thermal’ effects of microwaves and
‘non-ionizing’ radiation.

I do need to build a shield. I’m not sure if I have the guts to brazenly and openly build a shield here in this house. In the garage, maybe? Everyone will have to know what it’s for. I’m also planning to build a motorized bike.

It would be helpful to reverse engineer some of the weapons that are being used to attack me. I can just picture someone on a movie saying, ‘We can’t let these fall into the wrong hands.’ But it’s not about things ‘falling into the wrong hands’ anymore. This is publicly available knowledge that anybody can find, and anybody can reverse engineer. The lowest level bad guys are the ones who are pushing the buttons on devices that they hold in their hands. The highest level bad guys are the ones who work for the government and have trillions of dollars with which to launch mind control satellites to cover every inch of the earth with a mind control field – or, perhaps, some other method of doing it, maybe from towers on the ground, maybe from underground in the Deep Underground Military Bases, I don’t know. Whatever it is, surely they have a method of controlling every human on the planet. Individual people pushing buttons on individual microwave weapons are the most trivial of our concerns. So with our reverse engineered weapons, for demonstration and testing, ‘falling into the wrong hands’ is not something to worry about.

I would be able to test the shield and see how it worked against these weapons. However, for my own needs, I need to protect against whatever it is that is jamming my brain frequency and preventing me from thinking above the lowest level, weakest level of functioning that I am stuck at. If I try to rise above this energy level, I am instantly zapped. Someone is blocking me. I need to block whatever it is that is interfering with my brain’s deeper, higher energy levels. If I try to access my deepest soul, if I try to fall asleep at night with a dreamless sleep, or if I try to dream the natural dreams that my brain wants to dream on its own, so that it can truly process and learn the way it needs to learn, I am prevented from doing that. Every single dream I dream, without exception, every single one, is a fake dream script written by soul murderers to contain fake messages.

So, my shield might not even need to protect against the low level bad guys very much. I’m not usually being attacked with the blatant, obvious microwave attacks anymore. What I experience is constant, nonstop, very quiet background noise, and the zaps if I try to use my brain to think about anything that requires a higher energy level, or deeper access to my soul and my will, or the focus needed to make decisions.

It’s been one week since Jesse left. Nothing has happened, nothing has progressed, I am no closer to reaching him, but I am settling into this house. I must make my room livable. Hopefully, that is what I will do today.

The father is an ISTP. His sons are also both ISTP. There is a third son who I’ve only seen in photos, and he doesn’t live here, he lives with their mother. I don’t know what type he is.

Both the sons have the modern Weston Price deformities. Eric has a lisp, a speech disorder caused by deformities of the mouth (*it is absolutely NOT merely a ‘habit’ that can be ‘corrected’ by means of ‘practice’!!!!!!!!!*), and he is very tall and skinny, and he’s trying to lift weights to build muscle and make himself bigger, but it will never work – he has a ‘skinny frame,’ permanently. This is a deformity, a failure to grow properly. Jason doesn’t have a lisp, but he is quite small and short, as though he had stunted growth, and he has the usual Weston Price facial shape.

Eric has been found to have gluten intolerance so badly that it causes him to get a rash all over his body, so he eats a gluten free diet. This suggests that possibly, gluten intolerance came from one or both of the parents, maybe the mother during pregnancy, causing her to have malnutrition that she would not have been aware of.

I just read on Mercola recently that stunted growth can also be caused by vaccines. There are many causes of these deformities and failures to grow – malnutrition, chemicals, drugs, vaccines, and other causes in the modern life. All of them are preventable, and none of them are genetic or inevitable. Eric and Jason could both have perfectly healthy, fully formed children.

I wish I could find ENFPs for both of them – and also teach them how to prevent all of the deformities.

(Actually, what I require is not just a couple of ENFPs, but rather, I want every single person to be typed the moment they’re born, and they must be typed using an EEG or some other method that doesn’t require anybody to ‘guess’ what type they might be. It must be 100% accurate, the first time, every time, for every person, with zero mistakes. That way, everyone will know their type and will be able to list it on a dating website, by default. It should be a piece of information that everybody has attached to them, sort of like a social security number.)

The deformities affect the skull and brain, too, so it lowers their IQ – he never said this, but I imagine their father probably wanted them to become engineers or some equivalent like him, and he must be wondering why they didn’t turn out that way. I don’t mean to say that either of them have ‘low IQ’ – I’ve worked with them and I saw them as being smarter than a lot of people. However, they’re not engineers. And I had a discussion once with Jason about how I myself feel like a failure in life, and he does too. That’s where most of this idea comes from, the belief that they probably both feel like failures compared to their father. My dad is a radiologist, a doctor, so I feel like a failure compared to him, but again, I also have much more severe head and brain deformities than he does.

That’s about all I have to say for now. I need to get up, eat something, go for a walk if I’m going to, drink coffee, whatever. I STILL WANT TO STOP CAFFEINE.

I’m at the house

January 5, 2016

Last night, I looked at the weather report and saw that it would go down to 6 degrees last night, so I decided to move Jacob over to the house right away. After I got here, I hung around for a while, and then Jason and I went over and moved everything out of the tent. He helped me so much, I told him I was writing him into my will, but I also would have to write a will in order to do that.

Unfortunately, since I’m going to live to be 120 years old, he’s going to have to wait a very long time for me to die so that he can inherit my millions. He said he already has all of my possessions now that they are at his house, so there’s nothing more I can leave to him, and I told him I don’t have a secret bank account filled with money at the moment.

I had to quickly grab a bag of cat litter at Weis, and I could not find a single one that was 1. non-clumping, and 2. non-perfumed. So I have perfumed, clumping cat litter. I will have to go on a shopping trip to buy less disgusting, less dangerous cat litter, or else I will have to start gathering clumps of leaves and dirt from the yard like I was doing before. This foul smelling perfume is totally unacceptable.

Jacob Smacob is curled in a ball on my bed, nice and warm, not freezing in a tent in 6 degrees (although it’s probably warmer now).

I need to settle in, unpack my stuff, and, before it’s too late, find the unfinished package of smoked salmon before it starts to smell like rotten fish. I quickly threw it into one of these random
miscellaneous bags. It was okay in the tent because I was ‘living in the refrigerator’ at the time when I bought the salmon, but I moved out in a hurry and did not organize anything and just threw it all together random and shoved things into bags. It’s now somewhere in some bag in this room, and this room is pleasantly nice and warm, and warmth does not go well with pieces of salmon trapped in bags somewhere.

It’s going to be very hard to resist the pressure to use the cast iron pan (which gives me constipation due to the tiny quantities of mineral iron leached into the food, supposedly a bonus, but for me, a drawback). He absolutely loves the cast iron pans and started telling me about them whenever I was raving about how excited I was to have a refrigerator and to be able to buy nice food again. I don’t know how I will tell him. It will break his heart. He sees them as the perfect tool, and I remember loving tools that way, loving their perfection. I’ll be ruining the perfection if I tell him there’s something bad about it.

Oh, this cat litter perfume must go! Indoor air pollution! I was tempted to open the window a crack last night, but I didn’t.

I will be here through the worst part of winter, at least. I’m not sure how much longer after that.

I only have a couple more minutes on my break

January 3, 2016

I’d like to make a ‘pemmican cookie,’ where it was like pemmican but might also include nixtamalized corn, baked into a cookie. I’m thinking of all kinds of things I want. The purpose is to make something that keeps at room temperature, so it works in a tent or off the grid.

I feel SO much better, just having eaten a bunch of butter cookies for breakfast. I don’t get to eat much before work, because it’s hard just to get out of bed. I always want to stay warm and don’t want to get out of the sleeping bag. And then I only eat dried foods and don’t even get to cook anything or warm anything up.

Last night I was able to buy a bottle of milk, drink some of it before bed, and drink the rest of it this morning, because the temperature was around 40 degrees, which is when I say, ‘I live in a
refrigerator.’ If I live in a refrigerator, it’s safe to buy milk and drink it the next day. However, this very quickly turns into a freezer. It doesn’t ever stay in the range where it’s below 40 but above 32, all day and all night long. Quickly it will start dropping below freezing, or going above 40, so my food is either frozen or spoiled. I can usually keep it for a short time though, like overnight, at the right temperature.

I’d start writing more but I’m about to go punch back in. I cannot emphasize how much better I feel just having eaten a bunch of butter cookies before work. I was able to get a large amount of saturated fat very quickly, and lots of calories and sugar and starch. I am not saying that white flour is good for you, but as a compromise, it works very well for me. In a context of a well rounded diet it would be less bad. I don’t even want as much coffee (although I’m still drinking some, just less) because I’m not starving.

I still need to deal with Jesse, and also, with moving into the House of Gabin.

butter cookies again – I’m no longer starving at work!

January 3, 2016

4:04 PM 1/3/2016

I bought a whole bunch of different butter cookies and butter crackers. They’re all made in foreign countries, because apparently mixing together flour, butter, sugar, salt, and sometimes eggs, alone, is too hard for Americans to do. Americans must add a hundred other chemicals and make deals with the companies that produce artificial flavors and colors and preservatives and vegetable oils.

So I’m testing how the ones without a raising agent are (shortbread), versus the regular cookies that are leavened or whatever. I didn’t know they were called shortbread. I don’t have time to write because I’m on the clock.

I ate a bunch before work. I’m hyperactive. I did eat some that had chemicals, raising agents and some gray-area chemicals that are not really really bad, but still less simple and less basic than I would like, less primitive, something I can’t find growing in my backyard. I’ll troubleshoot which ones are making me hyperactive.

But at least I am not starving at work now. I have had butter.

I need to cry

January 2, 2016

I desperately need to go cry my eyes out, and wail loudly. But I’m in a tent. I don’t have a soundproof room, or a car, where I can safely do this. I did eat the mozzarella sticks again today, too. I said I wouldn’t, then I did. When I start eating real food in an apartment, I’ll be able to control my diet better. I just don’t have any food now and that’s why this is happening. But I also need to cry because Jesse left town, and, once again, he won’t even answer a phone call. He’s gone, and I won’t be able to go to Washington to go visit him and live near him, but I had wanted to try doing that last year.

The soul murderers harassed me last night. I did the New Year’s ritual. I walked around town and looked at the ice sculptures, and I rang some of the bells. The voices in my head told me to make sure I rang ALL the bells, but I didn’t feel like taking the trouble to obey this. I’m not quite superstitious enough to believe in it. Anyway, the only ‘fates’ that determine my life are the soul murderers, and I can’t control what they do by means of magic rituals – I tried that already. They’re not supernatural entities and they don’t obey magic rituals. If only they did, this whole thing would be much easier.

So last night I was harassed. They gave me a dream about clowns. This was a threat saying that if I tried to leave town, they would threaten me with murder again and force me to do something I didn’t want to do. Last year, I tried to find a home for Max and Jacob, and one of the things I mentioned in the ad was that I was looking for someone who would question vaccines the way I do. You don’t need to vaccinate animals a dozen times for the same disease, and it has side effects when you do.

So right after that, they gave me rabies, and that’s what ruined my entire year last year. I got it not just once, but twice. But I don’t feel like telling the story again. I also was trying to work for the temp agency, and that’s the other thing that ruined my year and destroyed any attempt at progress. Also, the bitch Mary Jo threw me out, and that’s the third thing that ruined my year.

So how does that connect to clowns?

Other rabies survivors have written their stories on the internet. There are many of them, but they are undocumented. One guy said he thinks he got rabies, and while he was sick, he dreamed of a sad clown following him, and he had to make the evil sad clown go away, and he cried and cried and cried, and he got over the disease. Crying profusely is associated with fighting off illness successfully. Crying is also associated with rabies, but it’s called ‘lacrimation,’ and it’s a symptom. I believe it’s possible for people to get over rabies on their own, but mainstream medicine hasn’t documented it.

So after I read that story where he dreamed about the evil sad clown, I did some google searches to look for evil clowns and stuff, and from then on, ‘they’ used the evil sad clown as the symbol of rabies. The evil sad clown was in my dreams last night, and also, I was ‘exploring a house,’ an old house. Or maybe it was tunnels underground. I don’t know. ‘They’ told me that ‘exploring houses’ and ‘tunnels’ is always a sex symbol – you’re exploring your body and sexuality and ‘tunnels’ in your body. However, I don’t want to interpret the symbol that way. I hate sex symbols, and I wish there were some symbols out there that had nothing to do with sex.

By the way, where they gave me a dream about a cougar who had its arms open and its legs crossed, it turns out that’s the Jesus baby in the manger. I saw that exact same thing when Steve and I went around to a church on Christmas Eve. The Jesus baby in the manger had its arms open and its feet crossed to block the view of its genitals (these were statues all set up outside the church), since we were looking at it from below as it was lying in the manger. A real baby would be all sprawled out and totally unconscious of whether anybody was looking at its genitals or not, but not baby Jesus! Jesus already knew how to be modest when he was just a baby!

I don’t want every symbol on earth to have to do with sex. I wish there were non-sexual symbols out there. However, the soul murderers and mind controllers are totally obsessed with sex, and they have no interest whatsoever in non-sexual symbolism. Every… single… fucking… godforsaken dream symbol is about sex and genitals. So for me, exploring houses and underground tunnels is a wonderful, fascinating adventure THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEX. It IS possible to have a wonderful, fascinating adventure exploring stuff that ISN’T SEX!

I was reading a really neat web page about making zero-budget movies. He described the process. You look around for your *resources* first, look for locations, find the people who will be your actors, and then, after you have locations and actors, you write the script, after having a general idea first. That’s so you can use what you have, whatever is available for a zero budget. I loved that. I had googled ‘low budget filmmaking’ or something like that. You can’t write the script first and then try to find things that fit the script, because that will be impossibly expensive.

Low budget movies can actually be better than ‘real’ movies. Having a bigger budget means you can make special effects, which takes the place of actually having a plot and characterization! Who cares! Explosions! Cars flipping through the air as they crash! Giant monsters destroying skyscrapers! In a low budget movie, you have to really think about what your story will be, and it has to be something interesting and ingenious all by itself, because it’s going to get zero support from special effects. You have to have human beings who are worth watching, interesting characters who you like and care about.

Anyway, I don’t remember what the evil clown in the dream did. It was just a threat, reminding me that they gave me rabies last year and they can do something like that again if I attempt to leave State College to, say, go visit Jesse and live there with him. Whatever. Why would they even care where I live?

When I went around ringing the bells on New Year’s, they were urging me to test whether ringing the bells actually ‘worked’ or not, by refusing to ring them and then seeing if my year went well. It doesn’t matter what I do with the bells. My life is controlled by soul murderers, and if it is their whim to make my life go well or go badly, that is what will happen. If only I had control over them merely by ringing bells and performing rituals, then all of this would be so easy to fix! But no.

So I did ring the bells, some of them, not all of them, not perfectly, I think I skipped a few. I burned something on a popsicle stick in the fire barrels – you write something on the stick and throw it in. I burned ‘hopelessness.’

Also, I was looking for food, but there was nothing except a few small snacks. I realized that the State College Mafia must have ganged up and forced the township borough to make a law forbidding the vendors to come to town and sell food on the streets on New Year’s Eve because it competed with the local restaurants. Instead, people were forced to eat at those horrible restaurants instead, and I’m sure they didn’t all serve sausage with sauerkraut, which is what I was looking for. I don’t think they serve Mutton Hot Pot either, which I was randomly reading about. The Chinese eat better food than we do, especially Mongolians, who eat real meat and organs.

So I got a hot dog with sauerkraut at Sheetz, which wasn’t as good as what I wanted, and somehow, buying something from an outdoor vendor is *different*. I went there looking for outdoor vendors and was very frustrated not to find them. They had someone selling candied almonds, and someone selling popcorn and hot drinks, but, as you can see, both of those are merely light snacks, appetizers, that won’t ruin your appetite for the local restaurants. They weren’t allowed to sell any real food!

Buying from a vendor is different. You go hunting for it, and hunting for it is fun. It’s new and different. It’s not usually there. The food tastes different because it’s not made the same way as whatever is at the restaurants. You get to watch the people cooking. You get to see smoke, and fires, and people working right there in the kitchen while you watch, up close. You get to see their faces and you get to wonder how it feels to work at one of those booths in the cold. You see other people buying from the vendor along with you, and you feel a sense of camaraderie with those people, who are all having this experience with you, a special and unusual experience outside of the norm. It’s different from normal life.

But we weren’t allowed to have this, because it competes with the local restaurants, and the State College Mafia didn’t like that.

So anyway, the soul murderers threatened me in my dream, with a rabid clown, reminding me that if I try to do anything unusual, such as leaving the area to go to Washington, they’ll kill me. It’s really boring to be told over and over again that somebody is going to murder you if you leave the area.

There was a guy, Chuck, EIE / EFNJ, from the Unitarian Universalist Church. He went on a trip to Ecuador, or something. It was a big deal, and very exciting. As soon as he got there, his mother died. Boom. Or maybe it was his wife’s mother, I forget. He had to ruin the trip and come home early. That was the soul murderers punishing him for leaving town. They will kill family members, friends, and loved ones, to force you to come back home.

They don’t want anybody to travel, because if we travel, we discover that there are other ways of life besides this, better ways. We can find hope. If we see that it doesn’t have to be this way, then we won’t stand for it anymore, and we will demand change, or we will simply leave, and then we will communicate the message to everyone else about how bad their life is and how different it is in other parts of the world. The soul murderers don’t want anybody to know about that. They want everyone to continue suffering hopelessly without knowing that there could be a better life elsewhere, perhaps even someplace as close as the next town down the road.

I’m tired. I need to buy cat food before I go home. I work tomorrow.

no more reactions to the BC pill residues

January 2, 2016

I’ve noticed for the past few weeks that I’m no longer having hot flashes – and I’m also no longer wearing the Taco Bell uniform that I was wearing when I hugged Brittany, the birth control pill user. It was after I hugged her that I started having the hot flashes. I washed the uniform over and over and over again, but it didn’t wash out the tiny amount of birth control pill residues that got on me after being excreted from her skin, and the amounts needed to cause a reaction must be unimaginably small, on the order of a couple of molecules, BECAUSE THEY ARE HORMONES. Now that I’m not wearing the Taco Bell uniform anymore, no more hot flashes!