Archive for March, 2016

slightly less deathly ill

March 31, 2016

I took a shower, and took a nap this afternoon. I no longer feel so horrifically bad as I felt earlier. I think I might actually have it in me to watch a movie now. I just went shopping at Wegman’s and got some random stuff, and got a new bottle of St. John’s Wort too. I’ll try it and see if it helps me at all, so that I can do horrible things like filling out job applications that are impossible for me to do.

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I’m sick with a cold, AGAIN.

March 31, 2016

I’m still struggling with severe fatigue from the pesticides. I’m pretty sure that we have contamination now, and I haven’t been scrubbing out the bottom of the shower every day. I’ve tried taking St. John’s Wort intermittently, and it has sometimes kind of helped, and sometimes not. It’s still that bottle that seemed to be really weak, old, and stale, which had hardly any effects. I know from experience that it worsens my fatigue, so it’s probably better that the SJW is as weak as possible.

And as soon as that polar vortex moved over towards us and brought cold air down from the north, I caught a cold again. I had a horrible cold through the whole month of December, and a dry cough that wouldn’t go away for, like, two months. That’s why someone discovered my campsite and went up there to see why somebody was up in the woods, coughing all the time.

That cough *finally* went away, I dunno, maybe in February or something. Guess what? I’m coughing again! I’ve also been sneezing and having mucus in my nose and throat. And it tastes exactly like MSG. I tried eating some flavored sunflower seeds that I bought months and months ago on impulse from a gas station, and they have ‘yeast extract’ in them, and they tasted disgusting and exactly like mucus.

The incident with the chicken wings from Papa John’s – I think there was something wrong with the chicken beyond the fact that it wasn’t sauced. The next day, I had severe diarrhea, and I ate only one chicken wing. (The rest of the chicken wings are in the backyard right now. I don’t like throwing things in the garbage. I prefer to let meat rot outdoors so it will go back into the soil.) That sensation of MSG snot flavor also carried some kind of sticky texture with it, and that sticky-textured snot flavor stuck in my mouth for hours and hours and hours after I ate that piece of chicken. That horrible sensation just would not go away. And now, when I have this awful cold again with real mucus, it tastes exactly the same as that, and when I tried to eat those sunflower seeds with yeast extract on them, it was exactly the same flavor and I could barely force myself to choke them down.

I’ve been having nausea too the last couple days, but I suspect it’s probably the green smoothie that I made in the blender. I would normally freeze something like that in small portion sized containers, but I thought I could get through the whole thing in just a couple days before it spoiled. I was still drinking it three days later, and that’s right around the time when they say that stuff made in the blender will start to spoil. Anything that’s blended or chopped up like that will allegedly spoil easily because of the very large surface area for bacteria to grow on. I ended up mixing the last little bit of it into a strange, random, cooked sauce that I made yesterday when I cooked a bunch of other stuff. It might be what’s making me more nauseated. I’m debating whether to just get rid of it or try to eat the last of it.

I really need to finish filling out my job application for the plant nursery next door, but it takes such enormous mental focus, and is so stressful, that I have been unable to do it. Today, I am exhausted, my whole body is in pain, I can barely walk, and I am nauseated, and I have this cold again along with pesticide contamination. It’s pretty much a multiple whammy from every possible direction. I tried taking two caffeine pills and a Korean ginseng pill this morning, and they did almost nothing, as in, right after taking them, I still ended up just continuing to stay in bed for a very long time, although I was finally able to get up and put some dishes in the dishwasher, the dishes from cooking yesterday. If I leave them sitting in the sink too long, somebody else (Eric) will wash them and make it seem as though I’m this lazy person who expects everybody else to wash all my dishes for me.

Taking St. John’s Wort does affect my brain, and as a result, I have been looking into things I don’t normally look into. I started reading about buying real estate again. I would like to buy an extremely cheap piece of rural real estate, maybe something from an auction, or some place that doesn’t have an actual house on it, or maybe just a hunting cabin, something made for primitive camping. That would be perfect for me. I would be able to build some kind of primitive house on it, and nobody would disturb me because it would actually be land that I owned. I would not have to worry that somebody was going to invade my campsite and call the police on me because I’m camping in a public park.

I’m also having fantasies of building an intentional community. But I would have to find large numbers of people who were extremely dissatisfied with modern life, people with problems that made them unable to live and be happy in the normal world. Most people would not want to live in an intentional community because the modern suburban life is just fine for them and they have no major problems and nothing that makes it hard or impossible for them to live a normal life.

The only people who have any need to go live in a community are people whose problems make it hard for them to survive as a slave in the slave economy. If you can’t be a good slave, if you can barely even function as the lowest level slave in the lowest wage jobs, then your problems are severe enough to consider that some totally different type of society is for you.

Most people are happy slaves who are able to do their slave jobs well enough that they can afford to take vacations, travel, buy luxury cars, fancy clothes, fancy stuff, big mansions, big televisions, lots of video games, and so on. Happy slaves have no desire to leave society and abandon all their television sets.

I’m so sick, I can barely even watch a movie online right now. I’ve tried several times, and I am so sick and so uncomfortable and so impatient that I just skip to the end of the movie, can’t pay attention, can’t sit through the whole thing, change to a different movie, jump around, look for something else, can’t find anything I can tolerate. It’s really bad when you have such severe chronic fatigue, pesticide poisoning, a cold, and nausea that you can’t even watch TV.

I think I will try again to watch a movie for a while right now, and I hope, I hope, I can try to fill out a few more spaces on this job application tonight. I filled out a few of the easiest things. Being unable to fill out paperwork is no joke. It is no small thing. It is a major, severe, life-ruining handicap, and it is a consequence of chronic fatigue syndrome and being unable to use your brain and unable to handle stress. I am unable to focus on filling out a job application, and I’m also unable to get myself over to the food stamps place to talk to them again, and I’m unable to send an email to Mike (who owns this house) to ask him a couple questions such as whether I can get my name listed on our mailbox so that I can get mail and deliveries here. I’d have to do that if I were going to get food stamps again, because they want to know your physical address, and all I have is the UPS store address.

I should probably get some St. John’s Wort that actually works, even though that would also mean the side effects were worse too.

Overall, I am miserable, and surviving. I wrote my rent check for this month, but I won’t have enough for next month’s rent. I still need to do my tax return, but, as I and others have noticed, tax returns are getting smaller and smaller – you get nothing back. A coworker was complaining about this – he expected to get a lot more back than he did. I won’t be able to prove that I had medical coverage, so I won’t get anything back either – I’ll be taxed for Obamacare. I did have Medicaid, but only for part of the year, and I don’t have it now.

I have absolutely no desire to struggle to get some kind of medical coverage, when I don’t believe in insurance – I believe that all insurance, in general, no matter what kind, is an absolute, evil fraud. All insurance. No matter what. The entire concept of insurance is absolute fraud. Some other system should be devised. The very concept of insurance is completely, utterly, evil fraud. I absolutely do not want any form of insurance whatsoever. All insurance as such is evil, vile, loathsome, hateful fraud. I know I’m nauseated right now, because any topic that triggers feelings of anger is triggering much more intense and prolonged anger than usual, and the topic of insurance is making me extremely enraged. I have thought about this before, but I have never written about it. I just know that all insurance as such is absolute evil, and that some alternative method must be devised to accomplish the desired result. I could say the same thing again and again, spew the same bile, when actually my emotions are coming from nausea – the emotions are in fact real, and my beliefs about insurance are real, but there is no relief from the unrelenting anger, rage, and disgust due to the fact that it’s my physical sickness talking.

I’ll just post this. Maybe some other day, I will feel coherent and focused enough to be able to explain the reasons why all insurance, as such, no matter what kind, is an absolute evil fraud, and why some alternative methods should be found.

Easter is done. A church full of Betas. Green smoothies.

March 27, 2016

I’ve had several cups of coffee today and yesterday. Now I will finish, once again, trying to quit coffee. I’ll go back to the plan of using melatonin to help me sleep at night – not forever, but for a while. Or sleep in the day, whatever I need to do.

My brain is really weird and sludgy right now. I know from the Feingold diet that vegetables contain natural toxins that can affect your mood and your attention, and that is definitely happening right now. The reason for this is because I made a green smoothie.

I used organic bananas, organic arugula, cilantro, and sage. (And also, I just remembered, I added some of the elephant garlic I had, too.) And water, so it would blend in the blender.

I grabbed these greens somewhat randomly in a hurry because I was getting them yesterday when Steve took me to the grocery store, and I didn’t want to take too long – he seemed impatient to leave. I might have chosen a few more weird greens to add to my smoothie. Maybe some other time.

I definitely feel sort of confused and dysfunctional in my brain right now. I might watch a movie.

Normal culinary herbs are medicinal enough that they will *slightly* behave like drugs, although the effect is so mild it’s not worth worrying about. It’s a non-addictive, non-harmful drug. I was reading recently that sage was able to cause new neurons to grow in your brain – sage, along with several other herbs and plants. I wanted to try sage again because it did actually seem like that very thing happened to me during the time when I was eating my ‘black sludge’ which contained a bunch of stuff including sage.

I have tried eating fresh sage several times over the years and noticed interesting medicinal effects. They are so mild that nobody would notice them except me, just because I pay attention to these things. Well, okay, I’m sure other people notice them too, not just me, but not everybody.

Actually, if there is anything addictive in my smoothie, it’s the garlic. I forgot to mention I added garlic. Garlic always makes you want more of something, but in a non-harmful, non-destructive way, as in, it doesn’t feel the same way that that horrible hemp seed powder felt, when I had a minuscule amount of it, then had a super-intense and unbearable craving for more and more and more of it, and instead, I chose to dump the entire container over the hillside so it would be impossible for me to eat more of it. They tested babies drinking garlic-flavored milk, and those babies drank more milk.

I do actually have a craving for more of the smoothie right now.

So, yeah, Steve drove me around yesterday. We went to Goodwill and I bought myself a dress, with Steve’s encouragement. He pushed me to do it, but I’m the one who made the actual decisions about which dress to buy. He urged me to buy a jacket to wear over top of it, but I made the final decision about which jacket. So, it was a cooperative effort. I also bought a pair of sandals because I have no fancy shoes at all, and didn’t want anything uncomfortable, and sandals were a good compromise.

So he picked me up again this morning to go to church. We went to the Anglican church in Pine Grove Mills. Almost every person I met was in the Beta Quadra. I met two women who were surely EIEs, one woman who I didn’t really talk to, but suspected she was an IEI from listening to her, a woman who was clearly an LSI, three people who might have been SLEs, or maybe two SLEs and one IEI, I wasn’t sure – I didn’t talk to them – some other people who were some unknown types but they felt incompatible and anxiety-inducing. Also, there were several black people, and I find it really hard to type anybody from another ethnic group, so I had pretty much no idea what types they were, other than ‘something incompatible and anxiety-inducing.’ I would almost bet money that every person in that room, except me and Steve, was a Beta.

You wonder why I never go to church? Good grief!

With one of the EIE women I spent several awkward, anxiety-filled minutes talking to her. Steve asked, ‘Where is Ed?’ and so a bunch of people told us that Ed had just died this past week from a heart attack. So we all spent quite a bit of time talking about Ed, and so I was trying to find out who the heck Ed is and find out a little more about him. I think I’ve already forgotten his last name. Ed Broombaker or something like that. I’m totally off, I have no idea what it is. He helped found this particular church, when he was dissatisfied with the Episcopal church. So he was there for a very long time.

They said he was an engineer, and, from the descriptions, probably yet another Beta.

So I talked with the one EIE woman, who talked for several minutes about Ed. I did my very best to try to force my way into her stream of speech, interjecting some kind of outburst now and then, expressing some kind of sympathy, or attempting to have some kind of insight which would have seemed rather banal and obvious (like, ‘So, now somebody has to fill in this hole that he left,’ or something like that, I tried to say). The more she talked to me, the more anxious she herself seemed, and the more anxious she got, the more she talked. She seemed sort of flustered and a tiny bit weepy but not really crying, just going on and on talking in a way that caused my brain to just struggle, as hard as I could, to keep up with her, to go as fast as she was going, to have something to say, anything at all, even something totally random, but being unable to think of anything at all, and to just increase with anxiety the more the time went by.

That’s what happens when you talk to your socionic conflictor. The way they process information is totally incompatible with the way you process it, and their greatest strength is your greatest weakness, and vice versa.

On the other hand, if you meet a total stranger who is in your socionic quadra, you will quickly and easily be able to have a comfortable, relaxed conversation with them on the very first time you meet them, within only a few seconds. You can instantly tell which kinds of people are more comfortable, and which are less comfortable, which require a greater effort, and which require a lesser effort.

The people in your quadra will have different strengths and weaknesses than you do, but they disvalue your weaknesses. They can see that you’re not very good at expressing emotions (for instance), but they don’t care about that weakness of yours, because they *don’t value* the outward expression of emotions. That is the definition of socionics.

Meanwhile, all the people who *do* value the outward expression of emotions will all tend to cluster together and get along with each other, and have conversations in which emotions are being expressed constantly and frequently over every little event that occurs, no matter how small.

I really enjoyed the meal afterwards. LSIs are extremely excellent at cooking, and they too value extremely healthy wholesome foods. The food was absolutely beautiful. The LSI is my quasi-identical, able to do the same things that I do, interested in similar subjects that I’m interested in, but having a tendency to judge everything constantly due to their way of processing information. My way is to just keep watching, keep perceiving, keep understanding, without judging or deciding. Again, just a personality type difference. I think the thing I enjoyed the most was the parsley salad.

This was just some tiny, pointless little church meal, and yet, these people put a lot of time and effort into preparing these things. But, strangely, no one was complimenting the food. The wonderful, beautiful, delicious, healthy food was taken for granted as something to just be appreciated silently by merely eating it. I had several urges to tell people that this was really good and I enjoyed it, but no one else was saying a word about how good the food was, so I didn’t say anything at all, until the moment when Steve and I were finally walking out the door, and I said to several different people, ‘The food was really wonderful! Thank you!’ and getting a kind of awkward silence in return, or just being ignored and they would say something disconnected from that, like ‘Happy Easter!’

The Beta Quadra is the opposite of the Delta Quadra. They can do all the same things we do, but they sort of do them in reverse. It’s like the Bizarro Universe. For me, spending a lot of time painstakingly making beautiful food and then sharing it with a group of people is actually a huge, big deal, a massive event, something noteworthy and unusual. It would be an enormous achievement and I would be extremely proud. I would be deeply moved and touched if I made food for people, then saw that they liked it. But for them, at this church, making absolutely awesome food, then giving it away for free and receiving no thanks and not even a compliment, is normal life for them. That’s the Beta Quadra for you! The backwards universe.

Later this evening I made my green smoothie, which I had bought the ingredients for yesterday with Steve. I don’t know if I will feel any benefits from eating these greens or not. Sometimes it makes a huge difference, and other times it makes only a slight difference in how I feel. It makes the biggest difference if I’ve gone months and months eating horrible food, then suddenly eat some healthy greens, and the next day, I wake up with this feeling that ‘something that was wrong for a long time has been fixed.’ I wasn’t aware that I was
subconsciously suffering discomfort constantly for months, until I eat the greens and then suddenly feel that I’ve ‘gotten better’ the next day. It isn’t a miraculous cure-all, but there are times when I can definitely feel that good nutrition made a big difference.

Tomorrow, I need to decide where I am going to work. Steve was urging me to try a breathing mask that I would wear at McD, just like another person suggested. This was actually *sort of* a good idea; however, I think the particles will go through the mask. They aren’t large particles, I don’t think. Also, it would be unbearable to breathe my own stifling carbon dioxide for an entire eight hour shift without taking off the mask. It would be hard to talk to people, and it would be hard to express emotions, the very few and far between emotions that I do express, which are expressed via silent facial expressions rather than loudly. I move my facial muscles in various ways. You wouldn’t be able to see as much of that if I had a mask over my face. I feel like I can’t communicate with people if I know that they aren’t able to see my face. Apparently, I am subconsciously aware of ‘what is visible and what is not visible,’ which is extraverted sensing.

Anyway, I don’t think I’m going to go back to McD and try to test wearing the mask. I really, really don’t think it will work. Also, I suspect that the vapors are probably landing on my skin, adhering to the oils and sweat, and going directly through, regardless of whether I wear a mask. Not only would it be extremely hard to get through the whole shift without taking off the mask, I might just have it going through my skin anyway. I decided to give up.

So, if you ever want to test socionics, just go someplace where you never go, someplace that you normally wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole, like a church if you already know you hate church. Try as hard as you possibly can, using every neuron available in your entire brain and body, to talk to the people who are the hardest to talk to. Guess what, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you practice, you will never, ever, ever be able to talk comfortably to those people. Socionics.

Then, there will be one or two odd people, maybe at that location, who are outsiders, different from the rest of the people, and you suddenly find for no reason that you are drawn to those people and more comfortable talking to them. They might not necessarily be in the *same* socionic quadra, but they might be in a neighboring quadra closer to you (there are four quadras – one is your own, one is the opposite quadra, and two are neighboring quadras where you are slightly compatible, not too bad and not too good. Each quadra has four types of people in it.).

Anyway, I’ll post this. I’ll probably think of more to say.

really bad mood, waiting for Steve

March 26, 2016

So, when I was still on SJW yesterday, Steve talked to me and we planned to go out to church for Easter. We were going to attempt to buy me a dress today, something I could wear to the church, because I cannot work on the sewing machine right now.

This morning when Steve called, my mood had totally changed and I didn’t want to do any of this. I had taken another melatonin this morning so that I could go back to sleep after being forced awake. There has not been a single day for the past two decades when I actually woke up at the time when my body was ready to wake up. I am always forced awake early, without exception. I have decided that sleep is the solution to everything that is wrong with me, and I am going to use melatonin instead of caffeine.

However, I started to notice the horrible anxiety that results from caffeine withdrawal, even though I’ve been in withdrawal less than 24 hours. I had some last night. I skipped it this morning, took the melatonin, and went back to sleep for a couple hours before being forced awake again, shortly before Steve called – they always force me awake if something is going to happen at a certain time, and I *never* am actually awakened by the phone ringing.

Extreme overwhelming anxiety is what happens when you quit caffeine. It is unbearable. I’m terrified of my housemates. I’m terrified that Eric will be mad at me. Someone is going to throw me out of this house, and I’m not ready and I have absolutely no money. I have camping gear but I don’t want to camp again, nor do I want to try to protect a brand new sewing machine from getting ruined by water damage in a tent.

Eric is mad for several reasons but I don’t have time to explain because Steve will be here soon – I finally said yes to going someplace with him today, and I’ll have a cup of coffee while I’m out there.

Anyway, I was in bed and I heard the sound of Eric moving around in his room, and it flooded me with terror. I AM IN DANGER. I AM NOT SAFE. I sat there silently not moving. I know, I know somebody is going to throw me out of this house. I am in enemy territory.

If I drink coffee, all the fear and all the feelings will go away, by magic.

I would have skipped it today, but Steve is picking me up, and I will drink it when I am out with him. The only way to quit coffee is: 1. Lose your job. Do nothing for several weeks. 2. Instead of drinking coffee, take melatonin every time you wake up. All that you need to do, forever and ever, is sleep. Sleep is the only thing you need in life.

I wouldn’t even eat, I would just stay in bed sleeping. That’s how I quit it several times before, when I lived on Mt. Nittany. I slept for like four days or something, then finally dragged myself down the mountain to get food, on legs that could barely walk due to numbness – I think I had ‘tent chemical poisoning,’ which I always got, from fire retardants and waterproofing chemicals.

I don’t want to take SJW every day, but taking melatonin instead is actually better and more directly achieves what I need to achieve, which is endless sleep. I am not referring to death, and I am not referring to suicide. I am referring to the horrible damage done by being forced awake every single time I sleep for the past two decades. So, the only thing that can benefit me is sleep, and the more sleep I get, no matter how much it is, I can do no harm by doing that – the more sleep I get, the faster I will get better, in every way.

podcast lady is probably ENFP. I want Organic McDonald’s that delivers food at 2am

March 26, 2016

Here’s the page. Her name is ‘Laura.’ I don’t know if other people ever make podcasts on that page. http://theproductivewoman.com/

I’m simultaneously reacting to it and being like ‘I don’t just want to be soothed, I want the problem to be solved,’ and also, being soothed at the same time. I think she probably is an ENFP.

One thing she said was, make a list of places that will deliver relatively healthy food for you when you’re in a crisis. I’m listening to the ‘going into survival mode during a crisis’ podcast right now. That is where I am. She mentioned the phenomenon of being so overwhelmed that all you can do is order junk food and take-out, even though a crisis is exactly the moment when you are most desperately in need of healthy food.

I need organic 24-hour delivery food in State College that isn’t vegan or vegetarian. I need it to have grass-fed meats and the cleanest possible seafood – it’s not easy to get good seafood, but whatever is possible. I need Organic McDonald’s. Since nobody else is bothering to make this in State College, I have to be the one to do it myself. But, unfortunately, at the moment, I don’t have the resources to be an entrepreneur.

That’s the other purpose of my community – to provide healthy food to all of the people all of the time, so easily that they never, ever have to eat anything else, for a lifetime. You just go to the community kitchen and healthy food will always be there for free 24 hours a day. You never eat a single meal that isn’t healthy, and this is perfectly easy because it is a service provided by the community, an essential service which is the essence and central purpose of why this community exists.

Started off being about feminism; then, about mirage relations, and a fantasy community

March 25, 2016

10:29 PM 3/25/2016

I’m making a disclaimer up here, after having written this for a few minutes. I took a St. John’s Wort pill earlier today. By now, it will be wearing off – I’ll be going into withdrawal. This will very strongly affect my mood. I also took a melatonin pill – it’s hard to explain why I did that. Basically I was going to try to buy a fresh bottle of SJW when I went out, but they didn’t have the right kind, just an enormous bottle with like 5,000 pills in it, 99% of which I would have to throw in the garbage because I just don’t use it that often, and by then, they go stale and don’t work anymore. So I didn’t buy a new bottle, but decided to use my melatonin instead, and took a nap this evening after the melatonin.

Anyway, that’s the disclaimer, that my mood is drastically affected by having used SJW earlier today. On SJW, I am more willing to try random new things that I normally ignore. What happened was, I saw the email from Twitter, and it had a link to a sort of podcast or radio show from the Harry Potter people – it was from ‘Alohomora.’ I just decided to click on it and listen to some of it. All that I found was the part where people were calling in and leaving comments, basically. But I get the impression that somebody is actually reading through the whole book out loud, or something.

I would normally ignore something like that and not click on it, but tonight I did, because of SJW, and that’s why one thing led to another, and I decided to try to look for a women-for-women type of podcast and found this, then started complaining about it, and about feminism in general, why feminism doesn’t exist, why it can’t do anything useful, why it means nothing to me personally, etc, etc.

*****

Women don’t really need to make podcasts for other women, because most women are still prostitutes, happy prostitutes who have a husband and feel secure. They have nothing to gain from interacting with other women.

I’m listening to one now. A podcast by a woman for women.

I don’t want to just be told that suffering is universal. I don’t want to just hear that ‘we all go through these times.’

It’s more than that.

I don’t want to just be patted on the back and told, ‘Aww, poor thing, that sucks.’

However, I also don’t want to be told, ‘Grab your pitchforks and your torches. We’re going out to lynch some politicians right now.’

But I do want to be roused to action. I want to be told, You can do something, you can fight back, here are the specific things you can do, you should do them, this is important, it matters, we are all doing it and we all have camaraderie.

The women are separated from each other. We don’t see each other in person. I’m an isolated person who never sees *anyone*, especially not anyone who is rejecting society in any way. These people doing podcasts are faraway invisible people who mean nothing to me and cannot motivate me.

Happy prostitutes are all those women who have their husbands and they have their children. They really don’t need to take any actions or worry about anything very much. They can worry about pointless abstractions that don’t require any real actions to be taken, like religion.

But actually taking action in the world, by women and with women – unthinkable. Productive actions.

I don’t want to just see a soothing message that says, ‘We all have those times in our life when we feel like we just can’t get ahead. Even when it’s the result of a legitimate life crisis, it’s still easy to beat ourselves up for not accomplishing all we want to do. Sometimes, circumstances are such that we simply need to go into “survival mode” — doing the bare minimum it takes to get through the days with some semblance of peace until this season in our lives passes.’

I’m mentioning this because this particular podcaster might even be an ENFP, my dual. I don’t know for sure. Or probably an LIE / ENTJ – that’s one possibility for her type, because this page is ‘the productive woman.’ She probably is an LIE.

I’m trying to say, it’s more than just that. This is more than merely a brief and passing phase in my life, which I must hunker down and patiently wait through. I’m saying, there’s something hugely wrong with all of the entire society, and that’s what’s causing my problem.

The ‘this is just a normal phase that can happen’ idea is based on the assumption that the world is a peaceful, normal place, where things just happen, where we have no control. Random events occur that we can’t control, and it’s just our fate, our lot in life, to just endure them.

The things I’m living through are not random events. Terrible evil is being done to me and other people. We have to name it, we have to talk about it, we have to call it what it is – slavery. We are literal slaves. These are not metaphorical slaves.

There is such a thing as ‘trade’ in the real world. If this were a primitive society, people would still be trading, say, the fruit from a special kind of tree that only grows in one location, and getting seashells in exchange for it, or seafood, or something, or taking a little wooden boat full of clay pots across the ocean to the islands. Something like that – that really exists.

But the entire system of trading has been completely taken over by the banking system, and completely distorted to make us into literal slaves.

I should write a disclaimer at the top of this first….

Okay, disclaimer written. I am more hate-filled than usual because I took SJW earlier today and am in the process of going into withdrawal from it this evening.

So, I hesitate to try to explain what I am saying about ‘literal slaves.’ I want to imagine myself having a conversation with a normal person, and trying to convince that normal person that all of us are literal slaves, exactly the same type of slave as the black people kidnapped from Africa and forced to work on the plantations in the south. We are slaves like *that*.

It’s just kind of tiresome to have this imaginary conversation. I am still more tired than usual, due to this pesticide, which is still going to be on me and my clothing and in the bathtub. I need to get large amounts of bath-cleaning supplies. They do have a couple of sprays and sponges, which I used the other day, but if I’m going to be scrubbing out the bottom of the bathtub every two or three days, I’m going to be needing gallons of scouring cleansers and scrubby sponges.

People have to be educated, and education is a long process that takes years to complete. I could call it ‘years of brainwashing,’ except I mean brainwashing done in my favor, brainwashing done towards a purpose I want to achieve, brainwashing to counteract the brainwashing already being done by the rest of society.

You have to start out learning a couple of basic things that lead to other things. There are probably multiple pathways you can take to achieve the same result. I did it by first encountering Ayn Rand and learning the basic assumption that it’s okay to criticize the entire government, the whole way the world works, and to think that the entire thing is wrong and totally needs to be changed to something different. Because of Ayn Rand, I learned that it’s okay to think such a thing.

But I might have forgotten about Ayn Rand and moved on and been happy with the existing world like everyone else, if it had not been for a few other things that happened. I dropped out of college. I fell off the pathway. College was not designed for people like me.

Not only that, but I was already starting to have some mild chronic illnesses back then. I had some chronic fatigue, sleep disorders, mercury poisoning back then (now it’s been switched to BPA poisoning from my plastic dental fillings), and I also think I was being attacked by mind control weapons when I was still in college. I have some memories of times when I was trying to read my books and do my homework, and my mind kept involuntarily jumping to other things, and I kept feeling a tense, twitching sensation in my abdomen, sensations of anxiety. Then again, I probably already had gallstones back then, too, and I think gallstones are actually *so bad* that they might even be life-ruining. They cause so many complications and they are self-reinforcing. The worse your gallstones are, the worse they will get, up to a point. I’m just theorizing. I don’t know for certain that I have gallstones. I don’t feel like going off on this tangent.

My life was ruined – I was forced to drop out of college. I couldn’t study, and I couldn’t force myself to learn materials that had no connection to any practical skills.

And for a lot of reasons, I never married anyone.

Having mild chronic illnesses, being unable to study and be
productive, being unable to think because your brain is already starting to be attacked with mind control weapons, and then getting thrown out of your house and then moving into this town that you hate – which was meant to be only a temporary solution – I had no intention of staying in State College for almost 20 years. I truly hate this town. I have hated it all along. I still hate it, to this day.

All of that – for some reason, the result wasn’t that I just sat down, drank some beer, and turned on the television. I didn’t drink beer. I rarely turn on any kind of TV, although I do watch movies on my laptop.

Somehow, the result was that I became more and more consciously aware of literal slavery, over time. I became more aware of victimization and powerlessness, *real* powerlessness, where you don’t choose to be a victim and it happens completely through no fault of your own.

One thing led to another, and I learned about land ownership. And while I might buy land someday, I would do it with the attitude that this is a ‘necessary evil,’ or rather, not a ‘necessary’ evil, but rather, an evil that I am adapting to, because in order to fight back against it, I would have to fight off the cops who would continuously be trying to arrest me. If I ever tried to build some kind of permanent house on property that wasn’t mine, they would come to get me. I can camp in a tent for long periods of time, as long as I have absolutely no infrastructure to make it possible for me to really live my life.

For whatever reason, this pathway has taken me here, and I am very different from other women. Other women did not take a pathway that has any resemblance whatsoever to mine.

********
Oh, by the way, in the previous post I said that Anaya was for the 8th house. What is that referring to? The 16 personality types – I’m putting them into 8 groups of two duals and calling them ‘houses.’ That’s all I’m referring to. The reason why a religion-god only belongs to this one particular house, the 8th house, with Gabin and Huxley (ISTP / ENFP) is because I don’t relate to the Christian god at all. No matter how hard I try, saying prayers to the Christian god just doesn’t do anything for me at all. It doesn’t make me feel good.

But it makes me feel good to imagine praying to some imaginary god-goddess duality called Anaya, who has the same personality types as me and my dual, who has the same values I have, but who is, for some reason, hiding far away, protecting themselves, and gathering up their resources so that they will become able to help me and all of my people here on earth, without themselves being captured, killed, or enslaved by the authorities.

I’m not imagining someone like Rachael, because Rachael is the enemy and doesn’t represent my values. This is an imaginary couple who *does* value the same things I do.

Anyway, the concept of the community is like this. The intentional community would provide the houses for the people, and they would live with their socionic ‘house’ – their identicals and duals – in a group. They would be located close to the other house in their quadra and would easily meet with them and interact with them. All the houses would join at the center, and you would go to the center to see all the things other people had created and done, and you would learn from them, and interact with them. Your safe retreat to go home to, to find peace, would be with your own house, your own people. But you are not cut off from the rest of the houses. It is easy to go to them.

The reason why the entire system has to be built, rather than just one house, is because there are many, many anecdotes of people having children whose personality types were drastically different from the parents’ types. This might or might not have resulted from
extramarital affairs, and I have no way of knowing. It might actually happen that a child can be born with a random type that has no connection to its parents.

If that happens, you still care about your child and you want the best for them. You don’t want to live in a community which only
accommodates one single socionic house and no others, because your child would just be evicted from the community and would have no support and no protection. You want to see that your kid goes over to meet its own people and be happy with them.

However, the gods Anaya are not meant to be for all the houses. They are only for my type, the 8th house. All those other houses can feel free to create their own gods and their own religions, and they will be encouraged to do so, to create something which is fitting to their types. It doesn’t have to be just one religion per house, either. There can be multiple attempts to create religions that will appeal to the people of particular houses. And they can try all they want to create a universal religion that will appeal to all the different types of people, but this is almost always, without exception, incompatible for me personally.

So, that is why Anaya is only for my people, but I won’t stop the others from also creating their own religions too. I’d want to see ‘How To Build An Intentional Community’ as a skill that was taught to all of the people in their education, as an essential skill. Each person would be taught how to create the type of world they want to live in, so that people don’t have to just endure living in a world they hate, made by people they hate, for purposes they hate. They would be taught how to leave and start their own places.

Anyway, the vision of the community was that people would be divided into their houses, where they would spend much of their time, easily interacting with duals and identicals.

It really, really is hard for people to find their socionic duals. It is very, very hard, especially when some types of people are scarce and other types are common. Dear Jesse just called me on the phone, and he is an SEE / ESFP. I know it now. ‘They’ suggested it to me, finally, after all this time, and have been nudging me in that direction, to believe it, to understand it. I know it is the truth.

Okay, so anyway, the community: people live in their houses with duals and identicals, to facilitate meeting duals at the youngest possible age, and to guarantee that there are always plenty of them at all times, so it never feels like there’s a shortage. However, they are not cut off or isolated from the other types – they meet at the center and can interact with whomever they want, and learn whatever they want.

Duality is a need of life. I know this. I can’t say it strongly enough, and I can’t believe it strongly enough or understand it strongly enough. Duality is a universal need. I had it when I was with Rachael. It is so important for our peace of mind and our psychological health. We suffer without it – we starve. We need other things too, so we are not cut off from the other types in the community.

This is also *not* a community where people are kept by force. It’s an intentional community and people can come and go as they please. People who come in will notice the enormous peace of mind they experience as they are surrounded by compatible types of people. They will find they are getting something they desperately needed and could not find anywhere else, all along.

An aging woman with chronic fatigue, who has lost her job and is taking various herbal medicines to try to survive, who will eventually stop taking these herbal drugs and caffeine, and become quiet – I will become quiet when I stop the caffeine. I’m not sure what I will do then – perhaps I will start living life. But for now, there is a restless fantasy of changing the world, while being utterly and completely powerless to do so.

My community has other things, too, like shielded rooms. You can go in there and not be attacked with electronic weapons.

You have to understand socionics in order to understand community decision making. Diana Leafe Christian has explored various methods of making decisions as a community, whether they use consensus, or some other method. The purpose of a community is to feel that you have some control, some choice, about how things are done, because we are utterly powerless in the mainstream world. I don’t feel like talking about the voting system, about the vote tallies being recorded on hackable desktop computers with always-on internet connections and plain old Excel spreadsheets with all the vote numbers written in them. Gee, nobody would ever have any incentive to hack into *THAT* (eyeroll).

People do still want to live as a group. I really don’t want to be totally isolated, although I have spent long periods of time camping in a tent. I would rather be surrounded by people I like, who share my values and are able to interact with me. The only reason I’m alone is because so few people share my values and are able to change their lifestyle in this particular way at this particular moment.

I could talk to Jesse because I’m on drugs. It was different. It totally, completely affects the way I talk.

There was a moment when I alarmed him. He was telling me why he wants to re-enlist even though he hates a lot of things about the army, and I said something which must have sounded ominous – I said something like, ‘Yeah, I’m starting to understand.’ ‘What do you mean?’ he said, in a worried voice. He somehow detected that I was
understanding something differently in a bad way, but I could not bring myself to say, ‘You’re an ESFP, my mirage type.’ I had already slightly started to mention this to him in an email.

I use a model which I can’t explain because I can’t read Russian and can’t find the author of this model. My base function is -Si/+Se, and his is +Se/-Si. I have to interpret what this model means, and it seems to mean that our base functions actually strongly resemble each other, and are able to do almost the same thing, and are compatible with each other, which does actually reflect reality.

My base function is actually extremely different from the ISFP’s, which, in Model A, is just plain old ‘Si,’ like my own – but they are so, so, so different from me, and able to do things I cannot do at all. That’s why this model exists, to explain that. The ISFP’s base function is +Si/-Se, and the ESTP’s is -Se/+Si, so those two types have very similar base functions that can do almost the same thing, or are very compatible with each other, but they sort of talk to each other in a way that goes nowhere unless they have some ‘outside help’ from somebody of a different type who is able to input new information into the discussion. It’s almost like having a discussion with yourself. That’s a mirage relation.

So that’s how Jesse and I talk.

And I ruined his life – I sent an email to his girlfriend on facebook, when they were going to get married, and I didn’t understand what was going on, so I asked her if she and Jesse were dating, and she said yes, and I said a few other things to her that led to her making the decision to just break up with him, and now, he has nobody but me, and a hollow feeling inside. And this is wrong. I do love Jesse. I do love him. I can feel that our relationship doesn’t work very well, and I remember duality, and I’m finally starting to believe, after more than two years, that he’s not my dual. But that doesn’t mean I want him to be unhappy. I *want* him to be happy. And it’s just as hard for him to find female INTPs as it is for me to find male ENFPs. They are scarce.

Duality is a need, not a luxury, not a ‘first world’ need. It is a *real* *need*. Without duality, you stagnate, you flounder, you cannot get anything done, you cannot change your life, you cannot understand anything, you cannot make peace with anything, you cannot get new ideas.

I didn’t want to ruin Jesse’s life.

This started off being about feminism, but now it’s about just whatever.

And, I have to look for a new job.

Apparently, type-bashing makes the voices go nuts

March 25, 2016

I started hearing voices saying that ESIs read my blog and so I shouldn’t say bad things about them. It’s possible that the strange incident that happened might have been an ESI linking to a page written by a SLE or LSI, which is what ‘they’ are suggesting. Whatever it was, it resulted in me being traumatized by drug users who think everything on earth is funny, and who think that drugs are totally harmless.

I actually started off taking the page seriously, and thinking that this was a really unusual approach that you never see, and actually, I sort of liked it. It was like turning the forces of evil around, and making them work in my favor. It was like, they were doing what I would want them to do if I were able to command them. But then, after a few minutes, I saw that it was a joke page.

I had forgotten about this, but ‘they’ reminded me of a similar incident, where I tried to find ‘mechanic memes’ on facebook. I also tried to find a ‘horse lovers’ page on facebook. Both of the pages I found seemed to have been made by SLEs or LSIs, basically, evil jokes. The ‘mechanic memes’ page was telling you all these obviously stupid and horrible things to do to your car, while supposedly knowing nobody would ever take it seriously.

However, there are actually people I know who could take things like that seriously. This is one of those ‘My relative died that way!’ kind of situations, where somebody is making a joke about something, somebody gets offended by it because they took it seriously, and somebody else finds it even *more* funny that somebody took it seriously and that their relative died that way, so that ‘my relative died that way’ itself becomes a hilarious meme. Even I myself have been amused by the ‘my relative died that way’ type of meme, because I can usually tell when it’s only a joke.

Basically, it’s quadra humor. Different quadras find different things funny and/or evil. What crosses the line to being ‘evil’ seems to vary by quadra.

However, it’s not entirely that simple, either, because I encounter people from the Delta quadra working for, say, mainstream medicine, at the hospital, refusing to listen to me when I describe my symptoms, or refusing to do something I want them to do. So, people in your own quadra can do things that are evil, too.

Evil humor seems to be associated with smoking weed, which was actually what this particular page was about. With marijuana, everything everywhere becomes hilarious, no matter how evil it is.

I’m too tired to finish looking for it. The page was making jokes about people dying from using marijuana, acting as though it’s perfectly obvious that nobody ever dies from using marijuana. However, I was remembering other web pages I had seen, where people had committed suicide after using several drugs, including marijuana. I believed it, because one time, last year, I bought hemp seed powder at a health food store. Hemp contains enough drugs in it that it causes a very strong, very intense drug effect – and the effect is to give you this sort of numb, sickening pleasure inside your brain, which turns into a horrifying nausea and suicidal sensation. I only nibbled only the most minuscule amount of the hemp powder, and after I felt that suicidal sensation, I took the powder and I went out in the backyard and I threw it over the hillside so that I could not use it again. After that, I spent hours and hours and hours battling against the addictive craving to eat more of it.

Hemp, and marijuana, is an extremely powerful addictive drug that causes irreversible addiction the first time you use it in even the smallest dose, and it causes suicide, and extremely horrible withdrawal symptoms.

That statement I just made was exactly the type of thing that this web page was making fun of and exaggerating.

Marijuana also causes very high blood pressure and pounding heart.

I’m not working for the mainstream medicine industry, and I hate the mainstream medicine industry with every fiber of my body and soul, and yet, simultaneously, I hate marijuana too. Marijuana is evil. I can hate both mainstream medicine, and also hate marijuana, without contradicting myself. Marijuana is not a substitute for mainstream medicine, and people who want to stop people from using marijuana are not supporters of mainstream medicine who would prefer that you go get normal chemotherapy when you get cancer. I’m not telling people to go get chemotherapy and go get prescriptions for drugs from mainstream medicine providers; and yet, simultaneously, I passionately loathe and oppose marijuana, I believe marijuana is deadly and evil, I believe it can kill you, I believe it is an extremely powerful addictive drug that can completely ruin your life, and I’m not joking.

So, I was traumatized by reading that joke web page, which seemed like a distorted vision of what I myself would want to say to the world, an extremely powerful force of evil which had suddenly turned in the direction of serving good – only to find that it was all a joke and it was serving evil. The page was linked to by an ESI, but the page might have been created by an LSI or SLE.

It was kind of like having the people who own the entire banking system say, ‘Okay people, we give up. We’re going to just distribute all of the money to all the average people everywhere, and then we’re going to shut down the entire banking system and let you guys take care of the money supply by yourselves. Sorry for all the trouble.’ Only to have them turn around and say ‘April Fools!’ which, by the way, is coming soon, so watch out. I don’t think I’ve ever attempted an April Fools blog. But there are many other people out there who do.

Anyway, when ‘they’ went nuts it was because they thought I might be wrongly blaming an ESI when actually it was something created by an LSI or SLE.

Will do some kind of EFT tapping today; look for a job; pick something up at the UPS Store

March 25, 2016

I did some kind of informal EFT tapping last night. I sort of loosely base it on some of the points where you are supposed to tap, but I actually just go wherever it feels like there is a need for something. It’s like a random gentle massage of the skin, which sometimes focuses on particular acupressure points.

I do have a stooped back. I can see it and I can feel it. Quitting caffeine is the only thing I can do to slow down the osteoporosis. Or rather it’s the most important thing. I still have to eat the right diet and do a few other things.

I want to get a job, but I do not want to work at the temp agency, because I do not want to work for LIEs and ESIs. The LIEs are the creators of all temp agencies – it seems to be an exclusively LIE field of endeavor. The ESIs are their employees, working at Penn State. I do not want to work around a bunch of ESIs. That was yet another reason I liked McDonald’s – I was at least working around a lot of SLIs and LSEs, and some EIIs, and some people who I thought were IEEs too, although ‘they’ have suggested that perhaps some of these people were not the type I thought they were.

But, they still might be – I don’t have an EEG cap, nor do I have the means to interpret its readings. It’s not as straightforward as just looking in Dario Nardi’s book and finding which chart it is and then doing the J/P switch for introverts.

I don’t quite feel like writing about something odd that just happened that involved an ESI… suffice it to say, that this weird chart that I use, which I thought was called Model B but which might not be, which puts +Fe/-Fi both as my 4th function, is indeed the correct model, the correct position for where -Fi is located. That is indeed my vulnerable function, and indeed, I dislike the use of that function.

All of the models are an *attempt* to describe things that are happening in reality, but they cannot be very detailed, as it’s not the same as actually watching the processes happening on an EEG cap.

I am wondering, how can I protect the Anaya against subversion, if I have already restricted their membership to the 8th House? It could still happen through members of the 8th House.

Unsauced Papa John’s chicken wings are *disgusting,* basted with MSG flavor

March 24, 2016

Papa John’s has been making mistakes lately. A couple weeks ago I got a pizza that wasn’t sliced, and it had no garlic sauce or
pepperoncinis.

This time, my chicken wings weren’t sauced. You’d think that this wouldn’t be the end of the world, that maybe I could just eat them anyway, plain.

Well, that is not how it works. It turns out that there is an unknown something, some kind of base or baste or whatever, which is already on the chicken wings before they put the sauce on. It’s an unknown something on the skin which has a slightly sticky texture, and a taste like MSG. It clearly and definitely was full of MSG, that much I know.

So, I bit into what was essentially just a piece of chicken covered with MSG, and none of the usual sauce that makes it tolerable. It was *so disgusting* that I don’t think I will even be able to eat it. Not only that, but I don’t even think I can add some kind of sauce at home from the refrigerator. Now that I have tasted what it tastes like, and felt that sort of sticky texture on my tongue and lips, I am so utterly disgusted that I don’t even think I will be able to choke down the wings at all.

I’m a little bit sick today and I didn’t eat much. I wanted to go get some nicer food but could not bring myself to go run for the bus. It took too much thinking and planning to figure out how I would be able to get on the bus and get back home, especially because the one bus that I need, HP, doesn’t run very late, and I would have had to use a different bus which doesn’t really go by my house and is harder to use. (Well, none of them go by my house, but the HP is closest.)

I once had something similar to this happen with another food. I used to buy this TGI Friday’s spinach artichoke dip. It was frozen in a package. For some reason, I absolutely loved that stuff in the past, but when I bought it again recently a few years ago, all that I could taste was this super-intense, super-disgusting, vile, horrible, indescribably bad MSG flavor.

MSG is supposed to taste *good*, but I only like the naturally occurring umami flavor from real meats, not from chemical versions of MSG made in a factory, even if it’s quote ‘natural flavor’ made by exploding the guts of yeast germs, or whatever they do. Yeast germ guts sounds delicious to me, that’s for sure.

The flavor strongly resembles, and is actually almost exactly the same as, snot mucus. If you cough up a wad of phlegm when you’re really sick, and this big slippery piece of snot is in your mouth from your lungs and throat, making you gag, and it has a sort of salty flavor – the MSG tastes *exactly* like that. The mucus probably contains exploded bacteria guts in it, just like the yeast extract. Exploded bacteria gut flavor is absolutely disgusting.

So, basically, these chicken wings taste exactly like they have been basted with coughed-up mucus. I don’t even think I will be able to eat them tomorrow if I’m feeling less sick. And I hate throwing away food. I don’t even think I would be able to, say, run them under the faucet in hot water for a while.

I just wanted some nice food. I don’t want to order pizza again. This food is horrible and I hate it. I’m running out of food at home and I need to go grocery shopping.

I am overwhelmed with the pesticide contamination right now. My fatigue is severe. I am having trouble getting out of bed every day. I can barely do even the simplest things, and I can’t do any thinking or planning that requires mental effort.

I’m going to run out of money really fast, and I haven’t gotten a different job yet. I have to go job hunting, which requires *enormous* energy. I don’t want to use my St. John’s Wort very much, because it has side effects and it’s changing my behavior. The dose on this particular bottle seems to be extremely low and it has almost no effect at all – it’s like it’s really, really old and stale or something. I’ve *never* had a bottle of SJW that was *this* ineffective. I barely even notice any side effects. But it has just enough side effects to be a nuisance, but not very many helpful effects.

I could go next door and ask those plant farmers if they need any more labor. It’s like a greenhouse thing that sells landscaping plants or something. I don’t know what they do. That would be a nice job – just walk out the front door and across the street to the next house down.

‘Frailty’ is the word for what’s happening to my body as I age

March 23, 2016

I’m just doing some google searches.

I took St. John’s Wort a couple times this week in an attempt to cope with extreme and sudden stress. It’s still influencing my behavior and how I read and write. It also might be the reason why my ibuprofen isn’t working now that I started my period and I’m cramping, because St. John’s Wort increases the metabolism of other drugs by inducing cytochrome P450 or something like that. So I’m taking ibuprofen and it’s being metabolized quickly. Maybe I was
subconsciously being ‘encouraged’ to try taking SJW in the hopes that it might also help me metabolize pesticides more quickly?

Last night ‘they’ were pointing out that all plant-based drugs could be described as pesticides. Caffeine is a pesticide, nicotine is a pesticide, and so on – all drugs. I was just reading a permaculture article where the guy said that on the extremely rare occasions when he felt the need to use some kind of intervention to kill the bugs on his crops, he just used coffee grounds, because caffeine is a natural pesticide.

I was reading about THE MYTH that modern agriculture has a higher yield than organic or permaculture or indigenous farming. This isn’t true – small scale farming has a greater yield. However, large scale farming requires *less labor*, and capitalism is all about being anti-labor, getting rid of labor, not having to deal with labor, not having to bargain with labor, not wanting to share any profits with labor, and so on – just basically not wanting to have to deal with real human beings at all. It was a really good article and I could find it again but not right now – this is just a quick blog.

Caffeine and tobacco have an interaction. The use of nicotine speeds up the metabolism of tobacco; however, from one article I’m reading, it looks like it’s the *smoke* as opposed to the nicotine itself that causes this interaction. So it might be true that *all* hydrocarbon smoke inhalation speeds up the metabolism of caffeine. I’m not sure though – this was only the first article I looked at. I could keep looking and try to find out what exactly is the nature of the interaction between caffeine and nicotine.

Oh yeah, ‘frailty,’ that’s the word. Some random link mentioned the changes in metabolism as you age, and then it mentioned frailty. ‘Frailty’ is what I’m talking about when I say I merely swung my arm, not too fast, and my hand hit the table and was severely injured for weeks from such a trivial little bump. That’s frailty. I’m gonna read about it, now that I have the exact word that I need to use to refer to it.

Age-related flapping wings on my triceps. And it’s time to check on the hopniss tubers in the woods.

March 22, 2016

2:45 PM 3/22/2016

I’m not sure if my right shift key will be working or not. It’s only working intermittently. so you might notice that all the capital letters typed with the left hand are lowercase. I can’t go out and buy a new computer right now either.

The odd symptom I noticed this morning? Wing flapping. In the triceps area of my right arm, the ‘wing’ started ‘flapping’ when I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth. This is something that old people are famous for. The skin becomes loose and saggy under the arms.

what’s odd about it is this only just happened today. I hadn’t noticed it any other time.

It seems I had several rapid age-related changes just over the past few months, over this winter. I’m not saying that my aging process is spiraling out of control or anything, but rather, it seems as though I suddenly took a ‘step’ in a stepwise process. It’s just that I go a very long time without aging at all, and then suddenly I notice several significant changes over a period of months. It will probably be a long time with nothing else happening.

The skin changes that I observed several weeks ago have slightly improved, actually. I had a strange sensation where it seemed as though my skin was weak, fragile, and vulnerable. This might have been due to something I was eating, some herbs or drugs I was using at the time. I am also getting tiny fragments of sunlight now, whatever can hit my face, my hands, or shine through my fabric.

I had an incident at McDonald’s where I was just casually, carelessly swinging my arm in a random movement. No big deal. I wasn’t, like, spinning my arms around at high velocity. It was just some random motion where I happened to swing my arm at a not very high speed. I was standing next to some object, some piece of furniture, a table or something, and my hand hit the edge of the table – again, not even at a very high speed. The pain in my hand was agonizing. It went on and on and on for many minutes. It felt as though I had done myself a severe injury to the tissues deep inside.

Well, that extremely trivial little bump has caused some kind of bruise or pain in my hand which has lasted for *weeks* after that accident. It is finally starting to fade and heal now. There was no visible bruise on the outside. It was just the bone deep inside my hand that hurt, the bone, muscle, sinew, whatever is under the skin there.

My skin does have more of the crepe-like texture visible now though. It isn’t bad or extreme. It is merely visible, and only to me, as I see myself more than anyone else does.

The ‘stooping posture’ seems to have greatly improved. It was temporary and occurred only during the winter.

I am also having much, much, much, much fewer mental mistakes than I was having. The mental mistakes correlated with a couple things: Decaf coffee, which is toxic. reducing coffee at all also seemed to correlate, but I am hopelessly unable to even slightly reduce caffeine intake right now, as I am absolutely dead exhausted from pesticide contamination, which is in the shower and will be repeatedly put there by Eric every day. So I am taking caffeine pills and am unable to stop taking them, so I am unable to observe how caffeine withdrawal in and of itself relates to the mistakes. But also, the mistakes correlated with drinking lots of chamomile tea. (Note: it’s an herbal mix with several ingredients that I don’t remember, so chamomile might not be the culprit. This is why I always prefer things to be single ingredient products instead of mixes. That lets you troubleshoot what causes a symptom.)

I drank chamomile tea several times in the last couple days. Then, I made one of those bizarre mistakes. Last night, I took off the right shift key on my laptop keyboard so I could look underneath it and see if there was a crumb. I didn’t find any crumbs, although there was some lint and cat hairs and stuff.

Then I realized, it wasn’t the shift key, it was the enter key.

I had to put the enter key back on, and then detach the *real* right shift key.

I didn’t even notice I was making this mistake until after I had done it.

Interestingly, after reading Dario Nardi, I know that the left frontal lobe is the judging area, and it also pays attention to mistakes. The temple above my *left* side has gotten gray hair, but the temple above my *right* side has not. Since I am a perceiving personality type, the right frontal lobe is the strongest and most used, and that’s the one that still has brown hair above it.

So you might be able to look at the coloration of a person’s gray hair to see which locations in their brain are the strongest. The graying parts might be the parts that aren’t being used as much and are allowed to die off sooner. This is just a theory. I believe in socionics visual identification, V.I. I believe it is possible to figure out someone’s personality type by using a facial recognition database. The pattern of hair graying might inform you about something inside the brain, which regions are most active.

Some people believe you can also understand something by noticing which side of the face is the droopiest or the most asymmetrical, and almost everyone has a slightly asymmetrical face, but with some people it’s very noticeable. The side that’s the straightest will connect to the opposite side of the brain, which will be the strongest and should tell you if they are a judger (left side) or perceiver (right side). I do not know this, and I have not observed this, nor have I collected any pictures to verify it. It is completely theoretical at this point.

I would want to verify this by using huge amounts of facial
recognition data combined with EEG typing of all the research subjects. If I ever get an EEG cap I will look for correlations like this. There’s also supposedly something about the shape of the back of the neck where it connects to the skull, which has something to do with personality type.

I have to go pick up my paycheck at McDonald’s today. I need to tell them that I’m taking an emergency leave of absence.

Then I have to look for another job.

If McD changes its policy of spraying every month, I might be able to work there again, maybe three or four months from now. I don’t know how long it would be before I could go in there, after the pesticide stops offgassing.

So, the ‘arm flapping’ thing was new this morning.

I took St. John’s Wort a couple times over the past week so that I could deal with this sudden, unexpected job loss without warning. I do not want to take SJW very frequently or very long. It causes major behavior problems, and loss of boundaries, so that I tolerate inappropriate sexual behavior online, inappropriate self-revelation such as nudity or open discussions of sexual topics, and loss of defenses so that I say yes to things I don’t want to do, and then have unwanted obligations to people after I stop taking the drug.

I have to get my paycheck, put in a leave of absence, and check on the hopniss plants I put in the woods at Walnut Springs Park where I camped. I do not know when or if they will begin to sprout. It’s so frustrating, all I want to do is have my organic farm where I start growing native perennials and stuff like that, my permaculture farm – I love native plants and I want to find all of them, order them online, start growing them, every kind of thing, things used for food, and things used for primitive materials, such as the paper birch tree. I could sell the paper birch bark to people online who are searching for primitive tool making materials. They would like to buy those sorts of things. Primitive tool making websites, primitive skills websites – they need all sort of primitive material supplies. I want my organic farm and I want it now! I want my Anaya Decontamination Center and I want it now. I want my Muslim Foot-Washing Stations and I want them now.

But the one tiny thing I did was to bury the hopniss tubers in a pile of dirt in the Walnut Springs Park. They might sprout, sometime. They will have gone dormant during the freezing winter. Then they will awaken.

Hopniss is a dangerous plant that cannot be eaten carelessly. It causes major poisoning and vomiting. In order to safely eat hopniss, you must use thorough poison destruction techniques, and I do not know what all of these techniques are, but I suspect they include sun-drying, to destroy poisons with ultraviolet radiation, and aging, to let the poisons biodegrade, and possibly fermentation, to break down and change the poisons, and cooking, to destroy the poisons with heat – prolonged, extremely prolonged cooking – the Native Americans commented that white people weren’t cooking hopniss long enough, or maybe it wasn’t hopniss, maybe it was the poisonous lily tubers that also caused severe vomiting in the white people.

Native wild plants cannot be eaten with ignorance. Wild plants have not been domesticated. Nobody has bred them to reduce the amount of naturally occurring poisons they contain as self-defense mechanisms. Plants do not exist for the purpose of being eaten by humans and animals. Just the opposite is true. Plants exist for their own sake, and they try hard to defend themselves as much as possible.

And so, with caution, I will observe my hopniss plants. If I ever try to eat them, I will only eat the smallest possible quantity, and I will make every single effort to destroy as much of the poison as possible. Even so, I might never be able to tolerate eating hopniss, but I will have at least replanted these native plants so that they have a chance to grow here again.

The poison inside the jicama plant is a pesticide which causes the nerves inside the intestines to start firing, which causes convulsive muscle movements in your intestines, causing vomiting. I experienced this when I ate small amounts of jicama. It is not merely the ‘fiber’ that causes people to vomit, and it is not merely the particular kind of fiber – what is it? I don’t remember. Inulin. It is not merely the inulin fiber that causes the severe and extreme vomiting. It is a naturally occurring pesticide poison, which triggers electrical firing of the nerve cells.

Jicama plants are similar to hopniss plants.

However, I ate sunchokes, in total ignorance, and I think I even ate them raw, and I had absolutely no vomiting at all, and no noticeable symptoms that I can remember. The sunchokes were sold at the grocery store by that company, ‘Melissa’s,’ I think. Melissa’s brand sells odd and unusual fruits and vegetables. Or maybe it wasn’t Melissa’s brand, maybe the sunchokes were just sitting there in the open in a pile. It was a few years ago and I don’t remember. But, I did eat some of them, not in huge amounts, and I’m almost certain that I actually just ate them raw. I would have remembered it if they had triggered uncontrollable violent vomiting all night long, as some people have described with sunchokes and other Native American edible/poisonous tubers. (Don’t you love how I have to write the words ‘Edible / slash / Poisonous?’)

Earthy flavored swiss chard – the smell of earth is full of joy

March 21, 2016

I was somewhat ill earlier this afternoon and wanted to eat something. I decided to make myself a cup of tea. I have two herbal teas right now – one is chamomile mixed with some other herbs, and another is a ‘liver cleanse’ tea which actually causes my liver to get clogged up even more, since I’m pretty sure my gallbladder is full of stones, so nothing can come out. I stopped drinking the teas every night, but am using them only intermittently now.

I forgot to mention the herbs – I had eaten those herbs, just regular culinary herbs, sage and one or two other normal cooking herbs, ground up into the paste when I made that vegetable smoothie thing (posted on facebook as ‘black sludge,’ since the blueberries in it made it an awful dark purple-brown color).

My intelligence suddenly increased when I was eating those herbs, and I know because I wrote some things online and commenters responded by telling me it was ‘brilliant,’ when usually they don’t say that. I mean in real forums, not just, like, spammers. I *felt* mentally more intelligent. When I stopped eating that stuff, my brain rapidly decayed back to its normal state, which is when I felt like I was making a lot of mistakes and my brain was dying. It was actually dying – the new cells were dying off. I just read that particular herbs contain substances that cause new cells and/or connections to form in the brain, and these are normal cooking herbs like sage. Sage was the only one I remembered using, but there were a couple others I tried at random.

Anyway, so just tonight, I felt sick and really wanted to eat. I was about to make a cup of tea. I boiled the water in the kettle – they have an electric kettle which boils it quickly and is really nice. I added my organic brown sugar, and then suddenly realized I had a very, very strong craving for my frozen blueberries, so I dumped the entire rest of the bag into the cup. Then I saw that I wanted the organic swiss chard, so I dumped some frozen chunks of that in there too. I dumped in the freeze-dried ginger from a bottle that I’m trying to use up. Then later I also dumped in some of my Craisins (cranberries). I also added the bags of tea, both kinds.

So I was eating this sort of vegetable fruit tea, with chard that had been not really cooked, just warmed enough to thaw. I tasted a piece of the swiss chard. It had a taste that was very strongly ‘earthy,’ just like soil. This taste, this smell, of earthy greens, was indescribably joyful. I felt so, so, so happy to taste the earth.

I have tasted earth when I have picked some wild growing plants and eaten bits of their roots. I tried nibbling on the roots of the sheep sorrel, and I allowed the soil to just stay on the roots and I ate it.

I am not entirely confident that it is always safe to eat soil, though, because I once ate an earthworm, which I attempted to cook first. Apparently, I didn’t cook it enough, because I had strange reactions afterwards, which resembled a parasitic infection. However, that might happen from eating an earthworm, but not always from eating soil.

I think it is normal and good to eat soil. You don’t even have to buy a bottle of ‘soil-based probiotics.’ Just find soil that is in a wooded area which hasn’t been constantly sprayed with herbicides and fertilizers and pesticides. However, it might not be obvious whether it’s being sprayed with pesticides or not. I don’t know how often they spray for things like gypsy moths. I know we did it one year, and I got deathly, deathly ill that year.

I’m not talking about ‘pica,’ or eating weird things that are nonfoods because you have a nutrient deficiency. I’m talking about eating tiny quantities of soil, which should be a normal event anyway for any animal that eats plants growing near the soil. Grazers eat grass and surely swallow a lot of soil too.

It was just odd, and wonderful, how this particular flavor, the dirt-like smell of the swiss chard, something very unique and recognizable and amazing, gave me so much joy, a deep, deep joy, like when I smell those plants growing outside – that happened when I took a walk in the middle of winter and I picked some little weeds and smelled them. I absolutely *must have* the smell of plants and the taste of plants and earth, and the moisture in the air.

I have been eating horrible food for weeks because I couldn’t cook when I was working so much, and apparently my body knew that it was missing out on all that swiss chard that I should have been eating.

I have to hunt for a job. I have to hunt quickly and aggressively. I will have to compromise, and get a shitty job which has made no progress from where I am now. I might make a few hopeless attempts to make progress.

I’m completely unable to work at McDonald’s, and will remain unable to work as long as they repeatedly spray pesticides every month.

If someone wanted to destroy the McDonald’s corporation, this is a good way to do it. Subversion. Get within the company, and then cause them to make insane, self-destructive business decisions, or give it to the executives through electronic mind control, giving them suggestions for what they should do.

Manager implied that there *was* an earlier pesticide spraying – probably the outdoor one, I’m guessing, the one that made everyone angry and violent

March 20, 2016

12:21 AM 3/21/2016

I put together a few more of the pieces. I was telling James on Sunday morning why I wouldn’t be able to do my overnight shift tonight, Sunday evening. I told him I was reacting to the pesticides. He was shocked, as I knew he would be, and he said, ‘But it’s been almost a week…’

Almost a week? What? That doesn’t make sense. The spraying occurred on Wednesday-Thursday overnight.

Remember how I said it seemed like there had been another spraying several days before? There was. It was the outdoor spraying, which would have used a more toxic pesticide. On that day, everyone in the store went crazy and got angry and violent, including me. I wrote angry letters to Eric.

Then the indoor spraying occurred. People came in on Thursday, worked surrounded by pesticide, and then called off sick Friday, including me. It doesn’t cause as much anger, but it causes severe fatigue, and I’m the only person who knows what’s making us sick. It will affect anyone with liver problems, and anyone with unexplained sensitivity or lower tolerance or lower ability to metabolize this particular poison.

When I say ‘I’m the only person who knows,’ what I mean is, I’ve told a couple other people, but they don’t really deeply understand it or believe it as much as I do. In their minds, it is a minor thing which, for some reason, is really bad for me, but not for anyone else. One person kind of understood how bad it was, and he mentioned the ecosystem, when eggshells are thin because of pesticide in minuscule quantities.

Anger and violence, triggered by pesticide sprayings. Right after getting the suggestion to watch Zootopia from Jesse.

Jesse may indeed be an SEE. In the beginning, I thought he was an LIE, Gamma Extravert. I might have been closer to guessing his type when I thought that. The SEE is the ‘mirage’ relation and it can supposedly be mistaken for the dual, although actually, like I said, this relationship has been extremely difficult and has required enormous effort from the beginning, and has only occurred when either he, or I, received a mind-control urge to talk to each other, and received mind-control suggestions for what on earth to talk about, because we have little to talk about.

I do care about him though. It’s just that we shouldn’t get married and have kids.

I have to recover from my current poisoning and contamination. It will take several days to recover from the previous ‘dose’ of it, but it will take forever to get rid of the contamination, which will be constant and recurring. I’d like to wash clothes with degreaser, just to try that, but don’t have any, and it would have to be a kind that was safe to use in a washer. Anyway, the contamination will be constant and recurring, in the bathtub, and of course on the floor, but I am already wearing socks because I was already detecting an unknown something on the floor in small quantities.

Asians wear sandals everywhere, and when they step into the kitchen, they step into a new pair of sandals which is lying there. When they cross this boundary, they step into the other pair of shoes. Why do this? Not a mere ‘tradition,’ but a defense against contamination. Asians have a large number of extremely toxic and deadly plants, some of which are handled and used as medicine.

They might have had many other contaminants during their history. Most likely, modern Asians don’t know the reason for this behavior, or perhaps they do. Perhaps it’s even because of outdoor pollution and contamination. They already know they have contamination from heavy metals and other things from factories and on farms. There is a trend of organic farming in China, too. Some people know.

I know because I was doing the same thing when I had ephedra all over the floor. It was so life-ruining that I absolutely *had to* do this ritual continuously: change your shoes, never let your bare feet touch the floor, don’t let contaminated shoes step on clean areas.

I have to aggressively seek another job. I have to withdraw money so that I can pay the rent for the next two months. I’ll have to keep it in cash. I won’t be able to afford any more than that, and I will have absolutely zero dollars left for anything at all, including food.

If Eric doesn’t go crazy and get angry once a month every time the outdoor spraying occurs, I might not get thrown out of this house.

I still have my tents and stuff, but was hoping to make a little bit of progress. It’s hard to make progress without infrastructure.

So far, what’s happened. I’m still going to work. I’m having worse conflicts with coworkers, as I’m using tons of caffeine and I’m horribly polluted with various residues that I can’t get rid of.

March 19, 2016

6:26 PM 3/19/2016

The anger is damaging our relationships. The anger began actually two days before the official spraying, and I’m wondering now if maybe they sprayed the *outside* perimeter of the building that day, first, before spraying around the inside. That’s the best theory I have for why Peng and I both believed something had been sprayed two days before the spraying.

On that day, everyone in the store was angry. I had a rationale for myself, which was, I had only just learned that there was going to be a spraying, and I was angry because this meant it was the end of my job. However, that rationale didn’t explain why the whole store was angry. I would say, several different people were all coincidentally having a bad day at the same time, and it didn’t seem like a coincidence.

That was actually the day that I wrote Eric several angry emails complaining about a coworker. I don’t normally say these things, but they are always there. In the absence of external poisons, I suppress talking about them. ‘External poisons’ include caffeine and the drug and tobacco residues on my own clothing, which have also
simultaneously gotten out of control during these last few weeks when I have been working so much that I could not do the laundry or go to the store to get some more clothes. I have very few clothes, and a whole bunch of them got contaminated, some of them seemingly from the very last tiny ‘island’ of contamination that I possess on some of my belongings. So I just went several weeks wearing exactly the same shirt and exactly the same pants because I had absolutely nothing that was clean and safe to wear. Everything I have causes pain, tension, anxiety, insomnia, rapid or pounding heart beat, and other symptoms.

I’d like to try some organic cotton clothing, to find out whether pesticide-free fabric made any difference at all. If I owned organic cotton (or other fabric) clothing, it would be worthwhile to wash it in a separate washer with special detergent instead of the usual detergent, for experimental purposes. I’m not saying that pesticides in clothing *are* the contamination. I am only saying that perhaps it would be beneficial overall to reduce my contamination still further by getting clothes that had even fewer pesticides from the beginning. That is separate from other contamination events that are occurring.

So: the fake emotions being caused by the pesticide seem to be very negative emotions, such as intense anger, anxiety, trauma (not merely ‘sadness,’ but a feeling of trauma like you’ve been stabbed in the heart), along with fatigue.

The fatigue got bad when I went home and sat in the bathtub. Vaporized poisons in the air collected on my clothing and adhered to my skin as I walked around all day, and possibly, my body might have also been excreting them through sweat and skin oils after I inhaled them into my lungs.

So I sat in the bathtub, literally soaking in the poisons, for a while, and my heart was pounding so hard it was going BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM, which is extremely painful. There’s a name for that, but I’ve forgotten what it is.

It was the next day that the fatigue hit badly. I seemed to make it through the shift okay. The next morning I couldn’t get out of bed. I called off sick on Friday. I think I showered again, and when I was in the shower, it triggered another attack of severe fatigue. I hadn’t actually showered off the night before, so anything that was on me was still on me, but you *shouldn’t have to* shower off constantly over and over again to get rid of the pesticides that are adhering to your body! You should just not have pesticides all over your body to begin with.

So, that day, I scrubbed out the bottom of the bathtub with a scratchy sponge and scouring cleanser. But that won’t be enough. That will have to be done daily. Every time I or Eric takes a shower now, for the rest of eternity, pesticides will cover the floor of the shower.

This is going to be a monthly routine.

If I must predict a pattern, then I would say, it seems that I cannot work more than one day in a row. I’d have to change my schedule to work one day, then take one day off to recover from poisoning. However, I don’t want to do that, because I only just arranged to have three days off in a row, contiguously, so that I can rest the most and have enough time to do a couple things at home and run a couple errands. If I do alternate work days, then I would end up working, like, two days a week during the four days I’m available, then take my three days off, or else I’d alternate all week long and TOTALLY RUIN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WEEK by working, then being sick one day, then working again.

I went looking on the internet about pesticides again, and I saw an article which seemed to be both telling the truth, yet also fighting a straw man. This one particular page kept drawing attention back to the idea that ‘these pesticides won’t kill you, don’t worry, you’re not gonna die, they’re not causing permanent damage, you’ll get better after the exposure is over.’ That’s a straw man, because I myself am not claiming that I’m gonna die right now, and I’m not claiming that I’m getting permanent damage, although actually, the life ruining consequences of constantly battling against poisons are so disruptive that it does, actually, cause permanent damage to many areas of my life, including my ability to take care of myself by doing things like cooking at home.

No, I am claiming that I’m experiencing extremely severe fatigue and also uncontrollable negative emotions which are directly caused by the pesticide – anger and rage that gets out of control, out of control anxiety and fear and obsessive worries, and a feeling of emotional trauma, the urge to cry.

I remembered an incident from years ago which I could not explain. One day, when I worked at Uni-Mart, the one girl and I both felt horrible for no reason and could not bear to be in the building. She told me that her grandfather had died a year ago, but all of a sudden, that day, she had started crying and crying all day long and obsessively thinking about him while she was working. She went home, and she quit her job that day. Uncontrollably, I myself also wrote an ‘I’m quitting’ note that same day, too.

I theorized about it later and did not know what had caused us to both feel uncontrollably horrible for no reason. First, I thought someone had poisoned the coffee (no joke) – I theorized that someone had sneaked into the store, opened up one of the coffee containers, and dropped some kind of a drug into it. Later, I theorized that we had been getting attacked with some kind of radio frequency weapon. My theory now is that it’s possible somebody did a pesticide spraying and didn’t bother warning any of the employees that they were doing it because, of course, pesticides are perfectly safe for everyone. These are all theories and I’ll never know for sure what it was that forced us both to feel unbearably horrible and simultaneously quit our jobs at Uni-Mart that day.

Eric was angry when he came home on Friday, the day after the spraying, the day when I called off. He told me that SEVEN PEOPLE had called off that day, or, to be more precise, that there was one particular hour during which we were missing seven people who were supposed to be there. I don’t know the details of who called off, why they called off, what time they called off, and so on.

So, we’re gonna have seven call-offs the day after every pesticide spraying, every month? McDonald’s is gonna have a blast trying to hire new people.

However, we’re all in denial about the magnitude of just how horrible this is going to be, and just how long it’s going to go on. The pesticide does not merely vanish into Magical Fairyland after a day or two. The whole purpose of a pesticide is to sit there continuing to poison the bugs nonstop for weeks and weeks and weeks. If it fails to do that, then it isn’t doing its job.

Perhaps people are mistakenly imagining that the pesticide merely remains attached to the floor, sticky, with not a single molecule offgassing from it. They imagine, the bugs must be stepping in it and touching it and getting it onto their feet, and then, perhaps they imagine, the bugs must be absorbing it through their shells, or else licking it off of their legs. Surely, not a single molecule could continue to offgas from the pesticide-sprayed surfaces for weeks or months! And surely, if it did, the concentration would be so low that it would have absolutely no effect on humans! And surely, if we did this again and again every month, we would all, quote, ‘develop a tolerance’ to it, and ‘get used to it,’ so that perhaps it would only sicken us the first time, but we’d all have no more reactions to it after a while!

It might be possible that our livers will start producing huge numbers of the enzymes or cytochromes or whatever it is that is needed to metabolize this poison, and maybe we can, to some extent, ‘develop a tolerance’ for it. However, there is a finite limit to how quickly our bodies can do this, and to what extent our bodies can do this. We cannot do it infinitely, like Wesley in ‘The Princess Bride’ who took a tiny bit of poison every day so that he would develop a tolerance to the poison and not be killed by it whenever he poisoned *both* wine glasses and killed the bald guy, who had no tolerance to it. One person drops dead within seconds, and the other person doesn’t feel a thing because they spent the last couple years building up a tolerance to a poison – wishful thinking. There’s a limit to how much we can really do that.

It *is* true that part of the definition of ‘addiction’ is when you ‘develop a tolerance’ for a drug, so that the drug doesn’t work as well anymore. There are several methods by which this might happen, though. It might indeed happen because your body does something to start metabolizing the poison faster, but it might also be because your body depletes all of its resources so that you have nothing left to work with. If you’ve completely depleted all the accessible fluids in your body, then you can keep on taking diuretics and hardly notice any more urination. But in the beginning, when your body is fully hydrated, and you suddenly take a diuretic, there will be tons and tons of urination. That’s not because you somehow developed a tolerance, but rather, there just wasn’t enough accessible water left that your body was willing and able to give up. (It must do something to protect water in some locations, like inside the cells or something, because you don’t lose *all* the water.)

I can only say, I don’t think I’m going to ‘develop a tolerance’ to this pesticide, even after being around it month after month. I’m just…. guessing. Based on experience. I’d be willing to bet money.

So anyway, the article I was reading kept emphasizing ‘Hey, don’t worry! It won’t kill you!’ while simultaneously, and indirectly, also describing the things that the pesticide will do. The one particular pesticide being described in the article will open up your nerve channels or calcium ion channels or something – I’ve forgotten – and it will keep them stuck open, so that your nerves keep firing continuously, which causes repetitive muscle movements and repetitive nerve firing.

‘Repetitive movements’ sounds a lot like the MUSCLE TREMOR that I always get after exposure to pesticides. I always notice it when I’m lying in bed when I first wake up. I feel like my whole body is vibrating. Something is firing constantly, causing me to constantly vibrate.

If something is controlling your nerves and acting as a
neurotransmitter, as this article admitted, then it’s also going to control all the nerves and neurotransmitters inside your brain, causing you to have drastically altered brain activity. All the muscles and nerves in your entire body and in your brain are firing constantly for no reason – and you don’t think you’re going to FEEL SOMETHING???? Maybe, a constant horrible mood that won’t go away? Constant pain all over your entire body???? Constant obsessive thoughts that you just can’t stop no matter what???

Well, I’ll finish this up.

I don’t know how much of the anger I’m going to be able to tolerate, without destroying relationships. Eric was actually angry at *me* when he came home. He didn’t punch me or anything. But I immediately started thinking that I was going to have to move out of this house. I started wondering where I would live if I needed to move out in an emergency. Nobody has said anything about throwing me out and nobody has said anything about how long I am allowed to stay here. But if our relationship is going to be constantly stressed by uncontrollable anger going in both directions between us, for no reason, even if I end up quitting McD, Eric will still be working there, most likely, and I’m going to feel that he probably wants me to leave.

It’s hard to talk about things with people when you don’t have common assumptions and common beliefs. I could talk to Eric about the anger if I knew that he, too, assumed and believed that pesticides (and other chemicals and drugs) cause people to feel fake emotions that are prolonged and severe. But he does not know this yet. He will still believe that his anger has a reason, and the reason will be a rationale. He will still be ‘inside’ the anger. When you’re still inside the anger, you think that the world out there is doing something bad to you, objectively. Well, it is, it’s poisoning you with a chemical, but that’s not how your brain rationalizes it. He’s going to keep thinking that I, Nicole, am annoying him somehow. And I might keep having outbursts like the one I had the other day where I wrote him several messages complaining about my coworkers.

As I was saying, I could talk to him about this if we had common assumptions. I could tell him, ‘The poison is going to make both of us go crazy and be angry for no reason, and that’s behind everything that’s happening and everything we’re doing, all the time.’

But instead, I might be able to talk about anger and things that trigger it, only to have an endless, insatiable obsessing with finding one rationale after another, after another, only to reopen the very first issue that we thought had already been resolved, and then the next issue that had already been resolved. When that happens, it is a sign that something unnatural is causing a bad mood, and all of the rationales are merely after-the-fact rationales that only *seem* to be legitimate explanations for the anger. We could talk and discuss things for eternity and the anger would not go away.

Also, I’m right this very moment about to start having three days off in a row, during which I will be able to do things like wash dishes again. I went a long time without helping with the dishes much at all. I try to do them as a favor while I am here. I’m paying their dad, Mike, my rent check, but I’m not paying anything directly to Eric himself, and he’s the one who has to live with me, so the least I can do is try to help around the house in some minimal way.

This is a whole separate topic which I don’t have time for, but I’m starting to notice and be bothered by feminist issues. I notice that when I work at McD with all females, we all have a kind of camaraderie and we get along peacefully. But there are a few males who I am having problems with, who seem to be both sexist and racist, and in the socionics world, I am typing them as my socionic identicals, ISTP, who are both *tobacco users* – they are both the
‘authority-worshipping SLIs with horrible taste in music’ and ‘low class rednecks.’ I’ve complained about them several times, and ‘they’ tried to retype these people as ILIs rather than SLIs, to explain why there was such terrible conflict with them.

But two-dimensional Fi also causes conflicts in groups, and I just happened to coincidentally read a socionics web page that mentioned this phenomenon. If different people have different internal likes and dislikes, then they won’t get along. I happened to read that only days after I made the exact same observation myself and had seen it as a ‘big insight,’ only to find out that everybody else in the socionics world apparently already knew about this and took it for granted as obvious.

All the SLIs who are not getting along have different values and beliefs planted in that part of their brain. It’s region F8 in the Dario Nardi brain scans.

So these two white males are disrespecting females and black people. I’ve called myself a ‘reluctant racist’ because I have experienced real differences between the races (‘Zootopia’ movie – they walk into the motor vehicle office and the bunny says, ‘They’re *ALL SLOTHS*???’ The sloths behind the desks are moving at a snail’s pace as they rubber-stamp their bureacratic paperwork. I’ve noticed racial differences in speed of speech and thought.)

As I said, I call myself a ‘reluctant racist,’ because I don’t believe in being a racist in principle. In my personal value system, I perceive myself as belonging to a superior group of people who all share the belief of anti-racism. Anti-racism is viewed as a socially superior belief system that high class educated intelligent people have. When I actually observe and experience real differences between the races, and when I read about the real physical measurable differences in their anatomies, and their genes, and other things about them, I do reluctantly and unwillingly become something of a racist. But I’m still a *nice* racist.

I don’t have time to tell the ‘racist’ story… okay, maybe I will. Authority-worshipping tobacco-smoking low-class-redneck SLI with horrible taste in music who forces everyone to use the tools a particular way and puts objects compulsively into particular locations if you try to move them to a more convenient location, while attaching his phone to a small speaker and then blasting extremely loud, horrible music that you have to *scream* over top of (yes, we are allowed to do this), music which I can only tolerate if I am REDUCING CAFFEINE, because caffeine DIRECTLY AFFECTS my ability to tolerate and endure and ignore, and perhaps even appreciate and enjoy, horrible music –

…this particular guy noticed that Old Black Guy’s phone was sitting on a little place where the tools are at the heated cabinet where we keep the burgers, and it was very quietly playing music, which was *not* offensive to me at all, and in fact, I noticed that Old Black Guy and I both seemed to like the same songs that came on the radio overhead when they came on – he’d be singing them out loud while I was enjoying them in my head, singing along with the songs.

Old Black Guy’s phone was quietly playing music, and Annoying Racist started muttering and grumbling with Peng about how we’re, quote… he had THE GALL! THE GALL to say this!!! quote, ‘We’re not allowed to use our phones at work.’ WHAT…. THE…. FUCK!!!! He had the gall! When he uses his phone all the time, hooks it up to the speaker, and blasts music, horrible music, so loudly you have to scream over top of it – he had the gall! He went there!

Old Black Guy was not anywhere nearby when this comment was said, so it wasn’t directly to him. They kind of said it to me, as if I was supposed to agree with them that yes, indeed, Old Black Guy was in the wrong to be quietly and inoffensively letting his phone sit there on the heated cabinet thing playing music when he wasn’t around.

Annoying Racist also loves the military and describes them as ‘our boys out there fighting for us.’ I love a particular member of the military, but not the military itself as a group.

(Jesse’s type is still being debated by ‘the voices.’ They can debate all they want to about his type, while I will acknowledge that our relationship has been extremely difficult and challenging from the very beginning, for many reasons. Regardless of his type, I’ll still say that. I already know we have a difficult relationship. We also hardly get to spend any time together at all, and so I have very few opportunities to learn about him. ‘They’ are trying to convince me that he is a sensor, not an intuitive.)

Anyway, we might eventually find that the two annoying SLIs are actually ILIs, and the girlfriend who I typed as IEE is actually an SEE – who knows, I don’t have an EEG cap. I only know that all the annoying ones are tobacco users. Their brains work completely and totally differently due to the use of tobacco, and it drastically alters all of their moods and behavior. My own mood is much, much more tolerant of horrible music if only I can greatly reduce caffeine use and drug residues, but I cannot do either of those things at this time.

I need to post this and get ready for work…. What was I saying? Was I finished?

Oh yeah, that’s right. Feminism. I’m becoming more and more of a feminist, which is strange for me. I’ve been an anti-feminist for many years now, often quoting author Warren Farrell, who explains the men’s point of view. However, I’m starting to get genuinely frustrated with men who don’t respect women’s contributions or give them the same social status. When I am battling with Annoying SLI at work, I am always the one who must lose the battle, by default. I must surrender in every single power struggle. If, for some reason, I get angry, I retaliate, I strongly insist that I am right and he is wrong, or, in other words, I get ‘Uppity,’ like a bad little slave forgetting my place in the social order, *he* retaliates against me more strongly, never letting me rise above my social position, never admitting that I could be right and he could be wrong. If I do ever win any kind of disagreement, I must do it in a gentle, roundabout, non-threatening, indirect way, politely and submissively, humble, like a woman should do. ‘I could be mistaken, but I was kind of thinking that XYZ is true. Sorry about that! I’m probably wrong!’ If I go about it that way, I can sometimes get a reluctant apology and a ‘No, you were right about XYZ.’

Okay, posting this for real now. I gotta catch the bus in a while.

Still here, still somewhat weak.

March 17, 2016

I am not having severe immediate symptoms, just mild ones that might become worse over the next few days as my body’s supply of phenol sulfotransferase is depleted. Or whichever enzyme metabolizes this poison.

One reason why I was so upset about it before it happened (aside from the fact that I was in an uncontrollably bad mood because somebody sprayed *something* in the lobby or in the building somewhere before the actual official spraying) was because I anticipated that I would have to battle to clarify people’s misunderstandings. So far, one person has misunderstood it as ‘an allergy,’ and suggested or wondered if it would be possible for me to take Benadryl to help with the symptoms. I had to explain that it isn’t an allergy and I’m not having allergy symptoms, but instead, severe fatigue is the usual symptom, and it tends to appear gradually over a couple days.

Actually, I am sneezing a little bit. ‘A little bit’ means ‘twice, so far, when I normally never sneeze at all for any reason.’

I am having trouble eating. I tried to eat a meal when I first came in, and it was somehow disgusting and I could only eat a little bit. I’ve gotten down a few bites of this meal right now over lunch break, and am having some trouble.

The other point of view: If everyone in this building *isn’t* deathly ill, that indicates that this ‘pesticide spraying’ is nothing but an extremely expensive placebo, a fraud. If the poison doesn’t kill humans, it isn’t going to kill insects either.

However, this is only the first day. Over the next two or three days, I will notice my fatigue getting worse, if it’s going to.

In a way, this is almost disappointing. I was hoping I’d be immediately forced out of a job and would have to take action to get a better one. In reality, that won’t work. ‘Getting a better job’ is something that’s best done when you’re not under pressure to get a job immediately. If I need money immediately, then I will just take a random job at some other shitty place like always.

You think housefly germs are bad? You wanna see germs? I’ll show you some germs.

March 17, 2016

How about all those salmonella germs in our factory farm chickens? Factory farm beef? Lettuce grown in fields fertilized with raw sewage???

The most frustrating part is that I don’t just keel over instantly.

March 17, 2016

I’m sitting here eating some lunch before work. I can feel
*something*, but, as I said in the title, I don’t just instantly keel over. What I felt instantly was, a sensation of weakening, like I was going to pass out, and then, trembling, deep down, not yet visible. The tremor is suppressed and controllable with my conscious mind, so I don’t outwardly look as though I’m trembling. But my fine motor movements have immediately changed, so that I am jerky and shaky, and have these urges to twitch. All of this is at a low level and is not immediately visible to everyone.

To everyone else, this is ‘an acceptable trade-off.’

To me, it’s not. If the flies are bothersome, then we should install insect netting around all the tables. You can close the netted curtains if the flies disturb you. If they don’t disturb you, leave them open. Problem solved. Oh no, woe is me, what if you close the curtains and a fly is trapped inside with you because there is such a huge swarm of flies that you can’t even wave them away whilst closing the fly curtains, and, woe is me, they choose that particular moment to land on your food, while you’re still in the process of closing the fly curtains? This scenario is too stupid to even waste processor cycles on. My brain does not give a fuck about this. The flies are not THAT bad.

There is some finite number of flies that I, too, would find annoying. We are *nowhere near* that finite number of flies.

The pesticide reaction will probably increase over a period of days. It is not like an allergic reaction where I start going into anaphylactic shock the moment I walk in the door. It is an effect over days, such that I totally deplete my entire store of enzymes that break down and metabolize the poison, so that maybe two or three days from now, I am overwhelmed by severe fatigue.

************
I wrote a facebook post yesterday about how clear blue the sky was, and how the edges of the clouds were visibly sharp. Something is different about the sky. Maybe we ran out of chemtrail funding or something, I dunno. I also suspect that my intermittent use of chamomile tea is affecting how I see things. There are several herbs mixed in with the tea, and I don’t remember the name of them all. One was hawthorn. Another was Lydia flowers or something like that, not exactly that but similar.

I saw this structure on campus which I had never seen before, while I was riding the bus. I don’t know how I never saw it before, because it’s exactly the type of thing that would have fascinated me. It was a greenish, coppery color, made of these chimney-like spikes sticking up into the sky, radiating outwards from a central point at an angle. Is it a…. what’s the word? A sculpture? Or does it have a function? It looks mechanical and old, and it resembles the smoke stacks from the steam pipe building, but it’s not that. Now I want to find it again and see exactly what it is. If it’s a sculpture that has no function, then I will be disappointed. If it is some kind of machine, I will be fascinated.

I am torn between loving machinery, and hating pollution and the destruction of the world and the environment. I actually love the sight of factories, but I hate the sickness that comes from chemicals and spills. I love seeing the yellow sodium vapor lights at night, but yet, I hate the fact that lights on at nighttime destroy circadian rhythms, plant life, and animal life, while making the sky too bright to see the stars.

What I’m noticing right now is still the twitchy shakiness. The effect might possibly get worse over a period of days, but I cannot produce this dramatic, instant, anaphylactic shock-like reaction, or visible rash, or vomiting, or anything that people can see by looking at me. Everyone is going to think that I’ve exaggerated this danger and that I was being melodramatic. But I have many, many horrible experiences with pesticide in the past. Maybe it doesn’t happen instantly, maybe it isn’t visible from the outside, but it’s real.

Maybe my growing fear that ‘People are going to think that I’m just exaggerating and being melodramatic, and so they will be judging me’ IS THE FIRST SIGN OF ANXIETY.

I’m posting this now.

about to go to work…

March 17, 2016

I’m just sitting here petting Jacob, and he’s purring and purring because I combed him whenever I was combing my own hair. He loves to be combed. How can I walk out of the house and leave behind a cat that is purring?

I’m anxious. I dread going in there. How much is ‘enough?’ How much am I expected to tolerate? For me, the ideal answer is ‘none.’ I shouldn’t have to tolerate low-level physical and psychological symptoms caused by pesticide, even if they aren’t totally
incapacitating.

There is this unspoken expectation that some particular level is ‘okay’ or ‘tolerable,’ and the trade-off is that we are successfully getting rid of the horrible, evil, germ-carrying houseflies who are flying around outside, landing on dog poop, getting their horrid little fly feet smeared with it, and then landing on our sandwiches to deliver our probiotic bacteria that makes us healthier. UNIVERSE ENDING! HOUSEFLIES DISGUSTING! I AM EATING DOG POOP GERMS!

Considering how often I see flies washing their own feet and legs, they’re probably cleaner than our shoes are.

I should get dressed and ready to get on the bus.

Symptoms to expect, based on my unexplained exposure a couple days ago:

Incapacitating anxiety, to the point where you can’t move. You can’t move, because you feel terrified.

Obsession with some worry, such as ‘Nobody likes me,’ ‘I’m going to get fired,’ ‘I’m worthless,’ ‘I’m going to get thrown out of the house.’

Anger, hostility, irritation, a desire to bang things around (that happened the other day and is worsened by caffeine).

I’m gonna miss the bus… oh wait, that’s not an anxiety symptom, that’s real.

Zootopia movie: Poisonous pesticide flowers make animals go crazy, and pyrethrum is a real life pesticide flower.

March 17, 2016

1:35 AM 3/17/2016

Pyrethrum, a flower in the Chrysanthemum family, used as a pesticide. I’ve been aware of this for several years, because shortly before I became aware of electronic mind control, I was fighting a different battle, a battle against some kind of invisible mites. I lived next to the duckpond, and they went up my legs when I walked on the path by the duckpond. Other people on the net have experienced bird mites. After I found out about EMC, suddenly bird mites were less of a big deal. But I sprayed my entire apartment with various kinds of pesticides, when I lived in the upstairs room, before I moved to the room on the second floor. The pesticides did nothing, as the mites would crawl on me again every time I walked by the duckpond.

I was trying to get rid of them by using things like lice shampoo. We have itch mites here in this house, right now, where I am, but I see them as only a minor annoyance right now. My entire body is scarred from head to toe from these mites – the scars are all over my entire arms, my upper back, and all over my legs.

They get into the furniture, and then they live forever. Nothing kills them. People have tried. People on the internet tried putting things inside sealed plastic bags for months, and the mites did not die. I have had incidents where strong drug residues, such as ephedra, went through plastic bags directly, straight through unbroken plastic, so it’s possible that air goes through too. I’ve also noticed that a plastic bag will allow water to go directly through, if you leave a sealed plastic bag soaking in water long enough.

Nothing kills the mites, and, after I left the duckpond house, I gave up on trying to kill them. They were much less of a problem when I was no longer walking down the path by the duckpond, and by then, I was more concerned about surviving electronic mind control. No – I am remembering wrong. That can’t be right, because I left the upstairs apartment and then moved into the middle floor apartment, and I don’t know where I was in between. On the second floor apartment, that was where the drug residues began. Maybe drug residues became a higher priority at that time. That was when I threw away all my belongings, after handling ephedra. It served the purpose of also getting rid of anything contaminated by pesticides from my third floor apartment, too.

Pyrethrin gave me fatigue. It’s a poisonous plant. Not all evil poisons are made by humans, but humans distill them, concentrate them, and put them into products for people to use. They ship them all over the planet to places where that particular plant did not live and where people would not have encountered it.

************
Jesse watched Zootopia, and recommended for me to watch it. ‘They’ are retyping Jesse as an SEE, not my dual the IEE, right now. There’s nothing I can do about it when they retype him – I have no choice about what type I believe he is, because, from the beginning, my relationship with him has been a result of mind control. I am very much aware that our relationship has been extremely strained and extremely difficult from the very beginning.

And now, Jesse has been forced to say that he loves me, but when he says it, there is a hollow blank empty feeling. I feel it. I felt it when he came home for Christmas. When he first met me, he told me he no longer had feelings of affection, when he came to the laundromat to visit me on his first day home. The army has tortured it out of him, and he is using alcohol and tobacco, a lot. I don’t know what they have done to his brain by torturing him and brainwashing him. I don’t know what’s in the vaccines he’s been given. I don’t know the long-term damage caused by inhaling poisonous chemicals in the gas chamber, which he and everyone else was forced to experience, quote, so that they would learn what it feels like and learn that they’re tough enough to handle it (I’m not really quoting – I’ve never heard their rationale for why they force the army to go into a gas chamber and breathe).

Whatever it is, he has long term damage. Also, one of his ears is now deaf, because he stood next to a tank when it fired a shot, and apparently, nobody gave enough of a fuck to make sure that he was wearing hearing protection when he did this. It might have been the ear associated with hearing vocal tone, I forget which ear it was, I’d have to look. One of the ears hears a particular component of speech, and the other hears the other component.

He’s probably suffered brain damage, too, as he has been surely injured many times in ways that I don’t know.

Well, when he came home over Christmas, he had no feelings for me. Then I found out he was with Kaelin, and I attempted to let him go, but when I communicated with Kaelin, she had a stroke, freaked out, went insane, and broke up with him. Then she got a new guy overnight.

Jesse told me he watched Zootopia. I watched it too, just the other day. Animals in the movie go crazy because someone is shooting a gun at them, which contains a pellet full of poison made from a flower used for pesticide. The weird part is, I can’t remember who was doing it or why they were doing it. I would have to watch the very end of the movie again to understand who it was.

The flowers looked sort of like lilies in the movie. It was a cup-shaped flower, kind of. It had no resemblance to a daisy, which is what the pyrethrum flowers look like. They were called ‘night howlers’ in the movie. This means something, but I don’t know what it means. In the movie, they thought it was referring to the wolves before they figured out it was the flower.

Something happened with the pesticide at McDonald’s. I was told yesterday – no, the day before. I found out on Tuesday, all of a sudden, that we would be spraying massive pesticide on
Wednesday-Thursday overnight, which is, right now. They were told to move all the boxes and all the tools out of the way so it isn’t getting onto our sandwich boxes and into the food. People mistakenly believe that merely getting into the food is the one and only bad thing that can happen.

They all believe that, maybe in a day or so, it will all be settled and I’ll be fine and able to go back to work. Not so. It is likely that after a brief exposure, I will be unable to go to work at all, anywhere, for MONTHS. And they’re going to do this spraying thing once a month. Every month.

Something weird happened. On Tuesday, we all went crazy. I rationalized that I was angry because I was emotionally traumatized from learning that I was most likely going to lose my job in a couple days when I hadn’t even been given time to prepare. This is, in fact, what is most likely to happen, and I am in denial about it right now.

But everyone else was angry and crazy on Tuesday, for no reason. They were not all experiencing the same trauma that I was. No one else but me was traumatized by that particular thing.

Peng told me that she smelled something in the lobby. She, too, is, quote unquote, ‘allergic’ to pesticides. She said she sneezes and coughs. It is not an ‘allergy’ whenever you get POISONED BY POISONS. That’s like saying, after you eat arsenic, ‘I’m just allergic to arsenic, that’s all.’ You’re not allergic to arsenic. You’re poisoned by arsenic. IT’S POISON.

I didn’t actually *smell* something, but I felt something. I felt that my anger was completely out of control. Everyone else also was in a bad mood, and several people said so.

This is what I think happened.

Someone from the pesticide company came in and sprayed something without permission, without telling us, on Tuesday, several days before the actual spraying. None of the managers would know this was being done. Nobody said anything about somebody spraying something several days ago.

I had rationalized that the reason something was already poisoning me on Tuesday might have been because we were already cleaning stuff up, that day. We were already moving things around, objects that hadn’t been moved from their spots in months or years, and I thought we must have stirred up old pesticide from the *last* pesticide spraying, the one that made me lose my job in October-November 2014.

It didn’t occur to me till now – when ‘they’ suggested it tonight while I was sleeping – that maybe somebody actually did come in and spray something, without permission, without letting us prepare. Something was done. Maybe they did it to trigger people to have nervous breakdowns *BEFORE* the actual spraying, so that it would not correlate in time. ‘Oh, that person had a mental breakdown BEFORE we sprayed the pesticides, so it couldn’t possibly have been caused by the pesticides.’

It really seemed like something was sprayed on Tuesday. I noticed it, Peng noticed it, and Christy said that she herself had also been in an extremely bad mood that day, too, and she was having conflicts with a few people that day.

I could not believe, or imagine, if ‘they’ had not suggested it to me, that somebody would think to spray poison several days before the real spraying, for the purpose of deliberately triggering mental breakdowns that would fail to correlate to the spraying because they had happened too soon.

Anyway, there will be mental breakdowns.

It causes anger, an ongoing extremely bad mood for no reason, hostility, rage, violence. It also causes a sensation of severe trauma and severe anxiety. The feelings of anxiety get rationalized in the brain, because the brain is able to rationalize any sensation that you experience – that is what the brain does. It does this constantly, all the time. Most of the time, its rationalizations are partly accurate and informative, but if you are poisoned, then you go crazy for no reason and your brain can’t rationalize it successfully. It gives you spurious rationales for why you are going crazy, why you are terrified, why you are angry, why you feel traumatized.

I remember now. I remember in the fall when I lost my job before, I was having horrible anxiety over a lot of things that were, sort of, out of nowhere, in spite of those things being real and legit worries that I had. Yes, they were real worries, but they were intense and severe, at a particular moment when there was no reason why I should be worried about those things with such intensity.

I remember how I found out about the pesticide, when I lost my job before. I remember just coming in one day and seeing somebody walking around with a sprayer bottle thing. It was one of those big jugs that connects to a hose with a squeeze pump. Someone was walking around, just spraying it on the floors. I would swear it was Mark, the maintenance guy (type: SEI), but I could be remembering wrong.

I get the impression that some people are actually going to come in and do it, not our people.

Anyway, I remember seeing someone walking around with a spray bottle thing, right before I went crazy and lost my job. I remember I talked to Peng when I met her somewhere, at Westerly Parkway, where she often went shopping or went to talk to her friends or was going on her mysterious errands. Peng told me that she too was ‘allergic’ to pesticides and had seen someone spraying, but we hadn’t been told or warned about it in any way. So I knew I was right when I believed that there had been a spraying shortly before I went crazy, got sick, and had incapacitating fatigue and was unemployed for months and lost both jobs at once.

I told several managers yesterday. I talked to Kathy / Cathy, not sure how to spell it, first (LSE). Then the next day I talked to James, the store manager, the one who claims he was typed ‘ISTJ’ by the official testers, but who actually seems like a decent human being and not a sociopathic asshole, so it’s very hard for me to imagine that he really is an ISTJ / LSI, and I was inclined to think he was an INFJ / EII instead. I could be wrong. I don’t have an EEG cap. Anyway, I told him, and he was understanding. He could be just a drug-free ISTJ, and a drug-free version of *any* personality type will be less of a sociopathic asshole.

He doesn’t even use caffeine, he told me once. Caffeine – it is horrible. I cannot even begin to describe the ways, the distortions it causes, the total and complete change and loss of personality, the total destruction of the self, lasting for decades. Diana Leafe Christian said somewhere that she does not use caffeine, or maybe she just said she doesn’t drink coffee, I forget, and she is one of the smartest human beings I know, but I can’t figure out her type.

People are smarter when they don’t use caffeine. Caffeine includes chocolate and tea. PEOPLE ARE SMARTER WITHOUT IT. They are more human. They are more well-rounded. They use more of their brains. They are less obsessive.

And tobacco, don’t get me started. Alcohol, I can’t even go there – it’s even worse. When you go into withdrawal from alcohol, only a few short hours after the drink, you become depressed and suicidal. It happens within only a couple hours of drinking. People who are chronically depressed are probably in alcohol withdrawal after their weekend binges. Every week, they collapse into depression the moment after they have a drink and then stop drinking.

Absolute zero is the only acceptable amount for alcohol, tobacco, and caffeine in any form.

So, I told Kathy, and I told James, and then today, I told Christy. I also mentioned it to Peng, and I mentioned it on facebook. A coworker saw my facebook post and mentioned it to me. He pointed out that when pesticide gets into the environment and goes down the food chain, even in extremely tiny quantities, it still has very bad effects like thinning the eggshells of birds so that their babies die. This is in tiny quantities, and it is recognized that this is valid, real, and legit, and it actually happens. So, he pointed out, what does it do to *us* when we immerse ourselves in huge amounts of it?

I warned everyone beforehand, as many as I could talk to, that I would have major problems. It was difficult to convey the *magnitude* of how severe my problems will be. This is not something that will blow over in a day or two. Every single person thinks it will be, although the guy who talked about environmental pesticides in eggshells understood when I tried to emphasize to him that the magnitude was worse than a mere day or two. He gets it, and he took me seriously, and I thanked him for his concern.

The magnitude is much greater. This will be done ONCE A MONTH. It will NEVER just ‘blow over.’ The entire store will be going crazy, having unexplained anxiety and trauma which they will rationalize using every explanation their brains can come up with (‘Oh, I’m only insecure about XYZ, I’d better go get some anxiety medication.’). ANXIETY MEDICATION. Yeah, this will be an entire store full of people who will all simultaneously go out and get prescriptions for anxiety medications, all at once, every single person, by sheer coincidence.

Not only that, but even if it were only done one time, and not just once a month, if it’s lingering there long enough to keep on killing insects, then it’s lingering there long enough to keep on killing people. Me, in particular, because my body does not produce phenol sulfotransferase in large enough amounts, as I already know from the Feingold Diet.

I don’t have enough enzymes to rapidly break down drugs and poisons. On top of that, some other factor gave me a worsened chemical sensitivity in adulthood.

I talked to three managers, and none of them understood the magnitude or the severity. All three of them seemed as though they were assuming that I would be able to come back to work after only a couple days.

I myself already know what will happen, but I am in denial, because it is extremely inconvenient to suddenly lose a job through no fault of your own without more than a day or two’s warning.

I’ve lost my job. I will never be able to go back to McDonald’s, until and unless the entire corporation makes it against the corporate rules, or unless the government makes it illegal, for any business to spray pesticides indoors. If McD changes its policy of spraying once a month – this is a *NEW* policy, and everyone is telling me we’ve never done this before – and it’s a much more serious, major spraying than we’ve ever done before, too – if McD decides to stop spraying every month, then I will be able to enter the building again, perhaps two months or three months later. As in, ONE SINGLE SPRAYING will last for two or three months, maybe longer. They are going to do it again EVERY MONTH. We will be in a constant bath, totally immersed, constantly, nonstop.

The reason they are doing this is because of FLIES. Normal
houseflies. They are a mere harmless nuisance, but people dislike them and find them annoying. People have phobias that flies are something evil and horrible, the end of the world, germ-carrying monsters. It is true that flies are able to carry germs, but only in certain geographic locations, only in certain situations, not everywhere. This is not Africa. The flies do not have Sleeping Sickness. They are not carrying any kind of deadly plague. They are mere non-biting houseflies. They fly around, they buzz, they land on you, they tickle. They don’t even BITE! THESE ARE NON-BITING ORDINARY HOUSEFLIES!!!

We have this fly problem in the summer. Kathy told me that the fly problem has been much worse in recent years. I predicted we would have a huge number of hornets and yellowjackets in the forest because we had a warm winter. Kathy said the same thing about the houseflies.

If global warming exists, it has nothing to do with carbon dioxide, and everything to do with people shooting ionospheric heaters at the sky, or perhaps it is a change in the sun’s output. Whatever it is, carbon dioxide is an irrelevant distraction. If only they would talk about PARTICULATE air pollution, yeah, I’d be concerned with that. If they talked about CHEMICAL pollution in the air and the soil, yeah, I’m concerned about that.

But no, they choose this harmless molecule which normally occurs in the atmosphere anyhow. Or maybe it’s remotely possible that they are telling the truth, and carbon dioxide really does have some connection to global warming, but in that case, if global warming is real, it’s still not as horrible as they make it out to be. The degree of global warming that results from carbon dioxide is not going to make the planet totally unlivable, and all they have to do is stop chopping down the trees, and stop mowing their lawns.

That’s right. Stop chopping down every single tree that you see in front of you, and stop mowing your fucking LAWNS.

Anyway.

So, it’s possible these flies have some connection to global warming, or to El Nino or whatever. I don’t have the n with the wiggly line over it easily accessible right now.

But they’ve decided that this year, right now, we’re going to start an insane amount of fly-spraying. Harmless, non-biting houseflies. They’re cute and cuddly.

We all have to die, so that we can kill these cute cuddly non-biting houseflies.

We can’t even, say, get one of those non-poisonous fly bait traps or something? Yeah, they smell bad, but they also smell
non-life-ruining.

Surely there is some alternative? Nope, there is never any
alternative. Alternatives do not exist. We must simply rigidly do this exact routine. If there are flies, then there will be
professional pesticide sprayings once a month.

I’m in denial. I’ve lost my job. I had no warning, just two days. Today is the last day at McD until and unless they abandon this evil insanity. I might try a few more times, hopelessly, to go in there and do my job, without going insane, without going mad, without being uncontrollably angry for no reason, without feeling emotionally traumatized and extremely anxious for no reason.

I’ll have to tell Tracy, the cancer slave, that her anxiety is going to go out of control. She’s on anxiety meds, and a hundred million meds, which she has been on for the entire past decade because she had breast cancer (caused by her birth control pills) ten years ago. Now that she is no longer taking the birth control pills, she no longer has cancer, but she is incapable of stopping going to doctors and receiving prescriptions for constant, nonstop chemotherapy because they tell her to. It is her personality type. I wasn’t sure what type she was, but ‘they’ once told me they think she’s ILI / INTP. I’m not sure though. Whatever it is, she has absolute zero
self-defense. She is physically incapable of saying ‘no’ to a doctor, an authority figure, and would proudly chop off her own head if they told her to, then brag about it afterwards because of how ‘strong’ she is for surviving the chopping off of her own head.

She is literally, physically incapable of saying ‘no’ to a doctor. So, she’s still on cancer meds and is terrified of getting cancer, constantly, nonstop, every day, for ten or more years, even though the cause of the cancer (BC pills) is gone.

She is also physically incapable of refusing to swallow a pill that she has received a prescription for. She is also physically incapable of refraining from habitually and automatically going to the pharmacist to pick up a new prescription after it runs out. She is physically incapable of stopping herself from scheduling, and rescheduling, and scheduling another doctor’s appointment, over and over again.

Tracy will have anxiety problems which will be much worse, after this pesticide. It’s probably what gave her the ‘anxiety’ in the first place, because it was only somewhat recently that she started getting on anxiety meds. That might have been right around the time when I lost my job, I forget. It wasn’t that long ago. I remember her telling me that her anxiety meds were a new thing she started doing not too long ago, within the past couple years.

Tracy’s ‘anxiety’ will be totally and completely out of control. I already warned her that she might have a bad reaction to the pesticides, but I wasn’t specific enough. I need to tell her that ‘uncontrollable, persistent anxiety and fear, or anger,’ is the symptom she needs to watch for.

I haven’t gotten another job lined up yet. I have to get through this trauma and my denial that this job really is lost. I don’t believe it yet. I’m still imagining that maybe this time it will be different from all the other times. Maybe nothing will happen when I immerse my entire body and the inside of my lungs and digestive system into a swimming pool of pesticide for months and months and months and months and months. I’m sure I’ll be fine!

I go in at 2:00 today.

Pesticides coming in a couple days – I’M DONE

March 15, 2016

Someone just casually mentioned that McDonald’s is going to be spraying pesticides in the building sometime in the next couple days. Last year, when they did it, they sprayed it ALL OVER the building, like excessively, everywhere, not just in a tiny little corner here and there. I saw the people walking around with those sprayer nozzle thingies.

I only figured out afterwards that that’s probably what triggered my severe illness in November or October 2014 when I lost my job. There were a couple other factors that contributed – there were some equipment malfunctions, and the soda machine was putting out CO2 and it made other people sick, too.

I’m going to talk to Cathy about this. She’s the LSE, and, as such, she is the only one capable of verbally discussing health and physical sensations. The store manager who I originally thought was LSI, then thought he might be EII, had a conversation with me a couple weeks ago and told me that he had, actually, been typed ISTJ because they do some of that stuff with the managers (but not the crew, of course – we’re too inferior and stupid for such things as understanding personality typings).

The MBTI test can be wrong, but I’m going to take it as probably correct that he is ISTJ. He’s just an unusual ISTJ / LSI, because he doesn’t call everyone a nigger and talk about killing people, the way most LSIs do. Classifying people into offensive categories constantly, and talking about killing people, is a normal way of life for ISTJs. But I’m exaggerating – this is one of the conflicts between the Delta quadra and the Beta quadra, and it’s not only ISTJs who are guilty of this, but a couple other types as well, and I haven’t documented yet all of the ones who do this.

Maybe it’s mostly young, unmarried, unhappy, immature, low class, low intelligence ISTJs who behave that way. He is somewhat older (though I honestly don’t know how old he is, but he is at least over 30, perhaps 40, I’ve never asked), intelligent, mature, and not low class.

Anyway, though, regardless, I feel that Cathy is the only one I can talk to about this, and so I told her I wanted to talk to her about something later today when it slowed down.

I can’t get a doctor’s excuse because I’m using Medicaid. If I pay for a doctor out of my own pocket, then I might be able to find a doctor who will write me a note saying that pesticides make me deathly ill and give me incapacitating fatigue so that I am incapable of entering the building after they are sprayed. I can’t even walk in here. The Medicaid doctors will all be universally mainstream and homogeneous, and so, they are required to state unequivocally that there has never been any scientific evidence that even remotely suggests that pesticides can cause even slightly mild fatigue at such low levels as the levels that I will be inhaling when I walk into the store. When, actually, it only takes a couple molecules to knock me down.

I will be down for MONTHS.