Archive for December, 2014

An urge to buy technogadgets – there are infinity things that I must own in the world

December 30, 2014

Oh yeah, before I post this, I noticed the title of my last post about wild rice. Well, the day after I ate that wild rice, I was DEATHLY EXHAUSTED for TWO DAYS. I’m guessing it’s probably as bad as millet. There might be a way to process it, soak it, sprout it, pick it at the right time when it’s ripe, let it sit in the sun in the field in the – whatever those things are called, those standing-up bales that are tied together, where it sits in the sun and dries and soaks and gets rained on and sprouts before finally being brought inside – there are old ways of doing it, and then there is the new way, and the new way is wrong. Whatever it was, I discovered that wild rice is most likely extremely harmful for me. I’ll test it again a few more times, of course, because I didn’t eat it all, but I think I was right. It must be properly processed, or not eaten at all, and if I am too lazy to process it, or if I don’t have the right equipment to do what I need to do, or enough space in my apartment, then I can’t do it at home, and whatever comes to you in the package in the grocery store is NOT ready to eat as-is. You cannot just take that package of wild rice off the shelf, cook it in less than an hour according to the instructions, and then eat it as is. It is extremely harmful to health. It will cause devastating fatigue and rapid bone loss and rapid tooth loss. Grain might be edible, but *IT… MUST… BE… PROCESSED.* Period. It must be properly processed according to the traditional practices used by the primitive tribes, and a comparison must be made between different methods used by different tribes to find out which methods are probably the best. Even after processing, it probably still is a less-than-ideal food for humans.

12:40 PM 12/30/2014

Not long ago, I applied for a random credit card online. I didn’t choose carefully which one. They rejected me because I have a past history of defaulting on my credit cards and other debts.

However, just recently, I reopened my account on the USAA website, because I’m going to try to get non-owner’s car insurance, so that I can rent cars when I go to West Virginia. However, a website mentioned that sometimes non-owner’s car insurance doesn’t cover rental cars, so I will have to make sure I get the right thing.

While I was reopening my USAA account – I had to remember and relocate old passwords, usernames, and stuff that I hadn’t used in years and couldn’t remember – I couldn’t even answer my own security questions because I was stupid enough to give myself questions that were too weird and too hard! But I finally was able to answer the security questions and do everything I needed to do to reawaken my old car insurance account. I haven’t actually GOTTEN insurance started again, I just went to my online account page and I’ve logged in and looked at it, and stuff, and that is one small part of the task, but it’s done. I can now log into that account, basically.

I sort of thought I’d just go back with USAA. Back when I had USAA in the past, I still hated the military and hated the government. I always was thinking to myself, ‘Aren’t I a hypocrite by using this USAA insurance which is meant for families of the military, if I hate the military?’ Well, now, I’m dating someone who’s going into the military, and so I’m kind of a ‘family member of the military’ again, even though I still am not happy about it. So it seemed appropriate to use USAA.

When I was reopening my online account and learning how to log in again, I decided to apply for another credit card, this time more carefully. I applied for one which has a fee, which was specifically designed for people who have bad credit or no credit. I was accepted.

So now I have a credit card for the first time in many, many years. I think I quit them all back in 2007 or so, I forget exactly when, maybe 2008. I had been using them to pay for food, bills, and rent every time I lost a job, and since I lost jobs all the time and stayed unemployed for months and months and months, that meant I had thousands and thousands of dollars of debt, even though I wasn’t going out and buying tons of fancy gadgets like television sets. I abandoned it all – by urging of the voices in my head, who
rationalized that it was okay for me to default on my credit cards, especially since I also hate the banking system. I myself had been obediently trying and trying to pay all my bills till then, and defaulting was viewed as evil and irresponsible.

I have this credit card with a small credit limit – $500. You have to pay a fee of $30 a year. I will need to remember to start picking up my mail more often, because I’m going to be getting real bills regularly instead of harmless things that I can ignore and leave in the mailbox for months. It requires a short bike ride to pick up the mail, but when I’m working a million hours a week I can’t do it.

If you are responsible and trustworthy with this card, paying bills on time and so on, then you can request an increase in your credit limit.

I needed a ‘real’ credit card for a reason. It’s for two possible reasons. I was trying to catch up with Jesse, as he’s going down to Georgia for boot camp soon. Incidentally, I think that perhaps the reason why I called off sick from the Carnegie job was, strangely enough, because of turmeric-cumin withdrawal. I had been testing those two spices together for a couple days, and they affected my moods badly, so I suddenly quit eating them, and that was the day that I felt exhausted and in pain. It might have been spice withdrawal. Anyway I haven’t worked at any job since then, so I have no money, but even so, I’m still thinking I might somehow get to Georgia to be near him during his boot camp. Even though it’s only a few months, anything at all that can move me around from place to place is a good thing. Even if I get stuck down in Georgia and cannot leave THAT place for a while, it’s still better than being stuck in State College for 17 years. Or 17.5 going on 18.

It is New Year’s again, and it was only the blink of an eye ago that I was walking through town in the middle of the night in the bitter cold looking at ice sculptures, and looking at the handwritten resolutions, and spinning the wheel of fate or whatever that thing is, or wheel of fortune. I always know my resolutions will fail, and they failed this year – I did next to nothing at all this year. Working too many hours – the root of all evil – the root of all failure to progress, failure to learn, failure to thrive, failure to take care of yourself, failure to complete projects.

Oh yeah, completing projects. That’s what I was thinking of. I’ve got this credit card now, so that hopefully I can rent a car if I go down to Georgia. But it also will help me rent a car to go down to West Virginia to see Mom and Dad, so I don’t have to ride the bus. So there are really two reasons why I could benefit from having a credit card and non-owner’s car insurance.

Riding the Greyhound bus is not merely an unpleasant nuisance or something I dislike. I believe it is physically dangerous. During one leg of the trip, you always have to ride one of the older, junkier buses. I don’t know exactly why or how, but fumes from the exhaust come into the cabin where you sit, so you sit there inhaling this horrible deadly odor for hours, and hours, and hours, while you drive. It makes me SO SICK, sicker than anything else on earth, and I was sick for HOURS after I got off the bus last time.

It’s not merely car sickness or motion sickness, it’s exhaust fume sickness, and I proved it to myself several times by getting off the bus and getting some fresh air during our occasional rest breaks. If I sat far enough away from the bus that I could not smell any exhaust, I quickly started feeling better. But if I got off the bus and sat down on the sidewalk somewhere close to the bus where I could still smell the fumes (the buses always idle while they sit there, so the engine is always on – I don’t know why they don’t turn them off), then I would keep on being sick. Even eating ginger didn’t help enough, last time. I still had to repress the urge to throw up, constantly, for hours and hours and hours, and it was *so hard* to stop myself from vomiting on the bus. It… was… HORRIBLE. I DO NOT WANT TO RIDE THE BUS AGAIN. I was afraid I had carbon monoxide poisoning, because of how sick I was for hours after getting off the bus. I had headaches and nausea and felt weird and wrong.

So it would help greatly to rent a car. Or I could try to find trains…. I love trains…. but the trains don’t exist now. Trains are special and wonderful and always have been. I was fascinated with them since I was a child. Absolutely fascinated. I dreamed about trains at night. (It makes me angry to think of the ‘sexual symbols’ that the mind controllers use, and so they were probably referring to ‘riding the train’ rather than, literally, riding the train. Just like all the ‘exploring secret passageways and tunnels’ dreams, which were always wonderful and fascinating, the best dreams.)

So that is why I now have a credit card, and will soon get some kind of car insurance again. This isn’t Europe, you know! We have no trains. By the way, I’ve changed my mind: JK Rowling is an EII/INFJ again. I recently retyped her as IEI/INFP. I watched an interview of her with Oprah, who also seems like an EII/INFJ.

She said in her interview that she avoids riding in cars. I’m guessing the mind controllers made her aware that she’s too valuable to be dying in a random car accident. She hears voices in her head too, and her entire life has been greatly influenced by those voices. She is verbose, and must always say everything in great detail – she can’t just give a quick summary of anything in ten words or less. She reminds me of myself, but I have chronic fatigue and other factors making it impossible for me to achieve anything in life. Anyway I had to watch an interview because I read somewhere that she typed HERSELF as INFJ, not INFP.

Wouldn’t it be nice to live in a town where the rents weren’t so high as they are here? The rent here is much higher than it is in other small towns. I could rent an apartment and not have to sacrifice so much of my life to work.

Anyway, that is why I recently got another credit card for the first time in many, many years.

But now that I have one, I am vulnerable to destructive temptations from the mind controllers. They tempt me to buy technogadgets. There is always some rationale for why we need this technogadget. For example, I wanted walkie-talkies so that I could see if Jesse and I could reach each other for free, without using telephones, because we are down the street from each other, although we might not have a clear enough line of sight to do it.

I thought I could buy myself a light pen for my computer, or digital pen, or stylus, or whatever they call it, something that lets you draw with the computer.

OH! Studio Ghibli shut down not too long ago! It’s a Japanese animation studio that was very great. It seemed to produce Delta NF stories with beautiful music and images.

Anyway, I was thinking about the phenomenon of using a credit card to buy technogadgets. There are a million things I want. I want so many beautiful things, so many tools, so many gadgets, so many projects. Each one has some rationale.

However, projects tend to be abandoned. Each one requires an investment of energy in addition to an investment of money. As the gadget sits there, not being used, its project unfinished, it sucks away some of your mental energy.

Some other time management author talked about this phenomenon. It’s real, and I can only explain it in psychological terms, but maybe it even has a physical manifestation in electromagnetic energy. Maybe it literally, physically happens. Whoever this time management author was, he said that unfinished projects drain your energy. And it’s true – for every unfinished project you have lying around, some part of you always feels attached to it. Some little energy leak in your body and mind is sending energy to that project, trying to finish it.

Even projects from decades ago are still draining your energy. I am still aware of video games that I never won, decades ago, which I still wish I could buy or rent so I could play them again. I still feel vaguely aware that I never did my homework in school. I still feel aware that there were things I wanted to do, decades ago, which I have never done. And for every technogadget that you buy, there is some kind of dream or project that you are wishing you could do with it, which doesn’t get done.

That energy leak is somehow a real thing. Perhaps your
electromagnetic energy really does leak out of your body and go attach a string to this object or this location or this project where the unfinished activity was started. I don’t know. So then you keep leaking energy out through that string into the object, for decades. It’s also kind of doing that if you move from location to location – I’m still probably attached to Philadelphia and Haddonfield, NJ, and Greensburg, PA, where I lived as a child. Energy strings also attach you to people you once knew. I wonder how literal those energy strings are, if they are physical, if we will someday find out that an actual string of energy really does connect you to an object and continue leaking and bleeding energy.

Those connections to unfinished projects add up and cause you to feel fatigued. It’s really real. It’s a real, true relief when you somehow disconnect those things and break the strings and stop the energy leaks.

It also happens when you disconnect from the internet. An energy leak goes into the internet from you every day, as you expect to get up and use the internet. That energy fails to go into your day, into your physical location, into your local area, into your local room, into your local people, and instead goes far away into abstract people and abstract places. If you disconnect from the internet, suddenly you have access to all that leaked energy again, and you can use it locally.

So I could buy more technogadgets, I could buy more unfinished projects, I could buy more energy leaks – or, I could simplify my life and focus my energy strongly. And there are, believe me, there are infinity things that I would buy. INFINITY. There are infinity things that I would have, and each one has a unique identity and a unique location and a memory, and each one is kept alive by my energy leaks, by strings connected to me. I suspect this might be +Se, evolving extraverted sensing, but I am not sure. It is also kind of +Te, evolving extraverted logic, because it’s also associated with tools; however, it’s not just tools, it’s all my objects and belongings, places I’ve been, places I want to go, places I want to see, each and every unique object in the universe that exists now and will ever exist in the future. There are infinity beautiful things in the universe, and each one is utterly unique.

I took one of the ginseng pills, after having skipped the pills for days, and I am starting to think that it’s affecting my mind again. I took them for several days, then skipped them for several days. I didn’t feel an addiction – I didn’t ‘crave’ the pills. But they seem to have more effect if I quit them for a few days. I’m mentioning this because it seemed unusual that part of me was looking at all the beautiful unique objects in the universe. That’s something I can do when I am happier, not in the middle of winter when I am depressed and sick and miserable as I am today.

But I had recently looked at semiprecious gemstones online, and they are infinitely beautiful and unique, but I ‘wasn’t allowed’ to buy semiprecious stones or precious stones, because I myself, or else the people who are controlling me, believed that the only long term store of value worth buying was gold and silver coins.

It is true, gold and silver coins are a necessary part of your investment, but don’t ignore stones. A lot of people are anti-stone because stones are not THE BEST or THE HIGHEST type of investment. Only the very best and the very highest will do, and nothing beneath that even exists or is worth looking at. It’s an all-or-nothing attitude. Get the best, and only the best, and nothing else exists between that and zero. But in reality, there are infinity things in between ‘the best’ and ‘zero,’ and many of those things are extremely valuable and useful alternatives, special niche markets that others are overlooking and failing to appreciate.

I have always loved semiprecious stones (you know, brown colored stones, agate, things with earth tones, things with patterns and stripes, that kind of thing), and since I love the stone age primitive lifestyle, semiprecious stones are acceptable. Gold and silver and copper are acceptable if you live in a location where those stones are just lying on top of the ground where you can pick them up, which really does happen. I realize semiprecious stones are also dug out of the ground in a mine or quarry.

This other girl that Jesse had sex with is NOT pregnant. She has taken three tests and all are negative. She is having either 1. birth control pill side effects, or 2. some kind of pseudopregnancy, which happens if the corpus luteum keeps on lingering in the ovary and releasing the hormones that give you symptoms of pregnancy. She took pills, then stopped briefly, then went back on them again, and began to have these side effects. The info online says that the side effects are worst when you are first starting; so, perhaps ‘using, stopping, and starting again’ qualifies as ‘first starting the pill.’ She started it again after briefly quitting, so she’s getting side effects again.

However, she still hasn’t learned that doctors cannot be trusted, and they will NEVER tell you about side effects of drugs you’re taking. Her doctor is not being very helpful with this situation, and is not telling her that all her symptoms are from the pills.

The voices in my head are pretending to be aliens and/or associated with aliens now. Well, they’re still acting human, but rather, they’ve been talking about the idea of aliens. We’re talking about the ‘Great Filter,’ which kills everyone and prevents them from traveling to other planets, in so-and-so’s paradox, which I mentioned recently but would have to look up because I forgot the name. It asks, ‘If other aliens existed for billions of years, why aren’t they advanced enough to travel here and meet us?’ The FERMI paradox. I knew it had an F.

So, ‘Ascension’ – we humans must rise up and become mature enough to cooperate with alien civilizations. This means, we must recognize that radio waves are a form of pollution, destructive soul-murdering pollution, just like factory smoke and agricultural runoff. Radio waves and other forms of electromagnetic radiation must be prevented from going out and poisoning the universe and destroying all living souls. It seems that aliens are using this to stop us, while simultaneously telling us it must not be used. At least that’s what we’ve been thinking about recently.

I am starting to like the idea of Ascension. We’ve got to grow up morally and be ready to participate.

So are there infinity technogadgets and projects that I want to buy with my credit card? Yes. Will I be able to resist those impulses? Probably not, if they are bound and determined to force me to buy some particular thing. I might not be as manic as I used to be, but I am not perfectly clean, not at all. I am still being flooded with cigarette smoke from many various sources, for example. I cannot do a decon. I cannot escape from the smokers. Even if I am clean, I can’t get my cats clean, I can’t get Jesse clean, I can’t get Jesse’s house and cars clean, and I can’t avoid smokers.

They gave Jesse a dream where he and I became cops and called ourselves ‘The Untouchables.’ The Untouchables are a social class of people who have been decontaminated and are not allowing anyone else to enter their territory, or perhaps it is the other way around – the untouchables might be the low class of people who are contaminated and must not be touched by the nobles. I don’t know which it is, but these are social classes, that much I know. Indian castes.

There will have to be rules and restrictions about how I may use the credit card. It was intended to help me travel. But as we know, when you give government permission to take an inch, they will always take a mile, and as soon as government starts to do something, they will never stop doing it. That’s why I won’t drink alcohol or smoke cigarettes. I should never have started drinking coffee and Coke, or using herbal pills. Credit cards are exactly like that.

Oh yeah, also, I’ve been in denial. I read, once again, that it *REALLY MATTERS* that the father of the child must eat a healthy diet himself to prevent deformities transmitted by the sperm. I was in denial. I was hoping it would be enough for me, and just me, to eat a healthy diet to protect my children, knowing I could never control the father and convince him to eat the same diet I was eating. They never obey me. Jesse will eat in the mess hall in the military, but that probably won’t be good enough. It might be better than what he eats now, but it won’t be enough. Jesse is young, and the younger a man is, the fewer defects his sperm has, unless the older man is eating a very healthy diet. Meanwhile, in a very annoying way, Jesse has suddenly gotten it into his head that he must refuse any kind of sex with me because he wants to be godly and premarital sex is a sin. He won’t even have sex in ways that won’t cause pregnancy. This is VERY annoying because I do NOT like trying to have sex with other guys. I can, but I really, really, really don’t like to. I was actually *angry* when he refused sex yesterday. I don’t know if this is his own idea or if ‘they’ are forcing him suddenly to refuse sex. But it is extremely annoying.

Anyway, I’m saying that his sperm needs to be greatly improved, and the army’s mess hall food might help somewhat, but he’s got to learn how to eat things like spinach, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg of what he must learn how to eat. He craves spicy foods, which is a hopeful sign, and he also craves sour foods, which is also a hopeful sign – he needs something, he knows it, and he seeks it. Those are signs of life. He isn’t a big carb-and-bread eater or grain eater, which is a good thing – he often eats just a plain piece of meat by itself. He’s eating his family’s food and doesn’t always get what he wants, and he expresses frustration when he can’t get what he wants. I’d love, I would so love, to cook for him and shop for him, to make his food, to give him what he wants and everything he wants, every day, all of the time, so that there are no more cravings, no more frustration, no more starving, no more suffering.

I will go ahead and post this (and I keep saying I’m gonna post it, then writing more paragraphs, then cutting and pasting this sentence that says I’m gonna post this, and then putting it after all the paragraphs that I’m writing, so it keeps getting scooted down as I add more and more paragraphs).

There is an infinite universe of infinite beauty, which I must see and I must own and I must embrace. I will own the world and eat its food. But I have so little time. The Great Filter is coming. No one gets past the Great Filter.

Wild rice – an improperly processed grain

December 27, 2014

I’ve eaten wild rice several times recently, and I bought some the other day. I didn’t get a chance to cook it as long as I wanted to, and I’m eating it now and it’s still crunchy.

I am sure, after reading Weston Price, that Native Americans would never have eaten this wild rice without first removing the black hulls. They wouldn’t have eaten it the way we’re eating it. When primitive cultures do eat grain, they remove the bran and just eat the seed or make it into flour – always without the bran.

Grain is an anti-nutrient. It will cause rapid and severe tooth loss. I am still remembering the millet disaster of earlier this year. I ate millet only a few times and a big giant chunk of my cavity-filled molar broke off, and I had severe and debilitating fatigue. I read afterwards that millet is goitrogenic, that it causes thyroid problems.

Improperly processed grains contain phytic acid. This wild rice doesn’t have the bran removed. I also didn’t soak it or sprout it, although I have doubts about sprouting – I read elsewhere, on an unknown web page that I cannot find, that actually, sprouting makes it worse, not better, and it actually contains *more* antinutrients after sprouting. I can’t test all these things just yet, although I fantasize about having a food laboratory in the future.

The wild rice is so undercooked and so ‘husky’ that I can barely stand to eat it. I will have to boil it for maybe a couple more hours before I even feel that it’s ready to eat. I just had to try some anyway.

Trolls making fun of pro-life websites, but secretly helping them

December 27, 2014

Trolls are sometimes saying the opposite of what they mean.  On the surface, they say that they’re making fun of something, or opposing it, but secretly underneath, they agree with whatever they’re making fun of.

That seems to have happened here.  A troll makes fun of a pro-life video, but actually, it turned out to be a really great video, and the troll page helped me find what I was looking for.  Thanks, trolls!

I googled ‘birth control pills cause people to become homosexual’ or something like that, and found the troll page making fun of this idea, but secretly agreeing with it.

Anyone who knows what I know is able to see that this is actually a very good video and very true, and the troll who tried to argue against it failed miserably to disprove anything, but instead provided a link to a really well made video and thereby made that video easier for people to find on google.  If you want to totally suppress an idea, you shouldn’t provide a link to it when you’re arguing against it.

Everything the video says is true, except it’s phrased in religious terms.  But even an atheist can agree with the idea of it.  I have a concept of ‘God’s Law,’ even though I am an atheist.  It’s like the concept of ‘objective truth’ or ‘natural law’ or ‘the law of consequence.’  In reality, there are consequences to our actions, and that is God’s Law.

I was researching what happens if a woman gets pregnant somehow, and then continues taking the pill.  I strongly suspect that this will cause children to be born gay or lesbian or bisexual.  It is one of the reasons why homosexuality is increasing in the modern world.  Another reason that I suspect this is happening is because of plastic dental fillings, which leach so much BPA into your body that it’s like you are constantly taking a hormone pill.

I’m finding, with my research, that birth control pills can cause long-lasting, or even permanent, infertility, even after you stop taking them.  I was lucky – I seem to be fertile – but I was forced to take pills in my late teens at a time when I had no choice, when I was ignorant, when I didn’t know better, when I didn’t have the internet, when I had no guidance and no support.  I’m lucky I didn’t get cancer and I’m lucky I didn’t become permanently infertile.  I proved that I still ovulate, when I took an ovulation test last month.

I took them so long ago that they probably will not affect any baby that I conceive now, but if you have taken them recently before conceiving, you are at risk of deforming and affecting your baby.  Babies will get deformities of the genitals, such as hypospadia, if you have taken birth control pills recently and then conceived a baby.

Not only that, but if you take birth control pills, you are indirectly affecting the men around you, which I hadn’t heard about until I read this troll page and watched the video.  When a man is surrounded by infertile women who are failing to secrete the fertile pheromones, he will sometimes have homosexual relations with men instead.  They are probably secreting a toxic pheromone too, as a result of the poison.  I know from experience that anybody who is using drugs secretes a toxic pheromone around their body into the air, and I can smell it and feel it – I can often feel that somebody near me is on drugs.  So these toxic pheromones probably affect the men too.  Secondary metabolites are excreted in sweat and skin oils, and then they evaporate into the air, and they also soak into your clothing, contaminating that clothing permanently so that you will always react to it when you wear it, which could cause birth control effects to last for a long time after you stop the pill.  You would need to buy new clothing, new sheets on your bed, new furniture, new car seat covers, and everything, just like I had to do with my drug residue contamination events.

Anyway, great pro-life video, promoted by trolls.  Someday I will build Anaya, a pro-life practical religion and intentional community.

Invisible hands at work

December 26, 2014

And by the way, while we were talking about this, I described it to Jesse using a religious analogy – I asked him to forgive me, since he knows I’m an atheist, but I had to explain it this way. I told him that these events are the hand of Satan interfering in his life. He’s just about to go into the army, but then all of a sudden,
unexpectedly, he has not one but TWO random accidents where a girl almost gets pregnant, in the space of a few weeks, in fact, at almost the same time. Maybe he himself is being forced, as a puppet, to puncture holes in condoms just before he uses them. But I doubt that any of this is happening through Jesse’s own free will. I’ve experienced it, so I know. They can make people do almost anything.

By the way, from what I’ve read about Satanists, they’re actually kind of cool and I think I would like them in reality. Whoever is doing the electronic mind control, they are different from Satanists and worse than Satanists, and the Satanists are probably not to blame for this. Satanists are disappointingly not even evil. I wish we had someone to blame, but it looks like the Satanists aren’t it. I guess a few individual Satanists could be evil, but that’s the same with any religion. Satanism, as a whole, as a group, cannot be blamed for the events happening in the world, even if those events seem to have satanic symbols associated with them, or government agencies choose to name their programs and their computer networks names like ‘LUCIFER’ and things like that. The real culprits are more secretive and are not openly bragging about their religious symbols in the crimes they commit.

But even so, I had to describe it to Jesse as ‘the hand of Satan interfering in your life.’ These events are too coincidental, and the timing is just too bad. He’s just about to do something which he thinks is a good achievement, something he thinks he will be proud of – joining the army. But just before he leaves, suddenly two of his girlfriends both have an accidental almost-pregnancy at almost the same time, by sheer coincidence.

And now he is beside himself with terror over this problem, and has started smoking to relieve the stress. He always smoked
intermittently and occasionally since I’ve known him, but not all the time. He’s smoking more frequently and may become addicted, which is the last thing on earth that I want to see happen to him.

Well, I have things to do. I have to go shopping, for one thing.

Christmas Eve Service

December 26, 2014

Last year, just before Christmas, Jesse started working at Taco Bell with me. He invited me to come to his church’s Christmas Eve service, but I didn’t hear which church it was, and we didn’t have a way to contact each other at that time, so I didn’t go. But I always remembered that I had decided to go, and would have.

This year I finally went. We didn’t go to his church, because their family is not happy with that church right now – they are having some, what I might call, personnel issues. The various pastors and preachers are having conflicts with each other. I don’t know the details. So we went instead to a church in Milesburg. Jesse’s sister’s boyfriend Derek goes there.

He took these photos while we were sitting in the church.

I am still unemployed at the moment, and that is why I’ve been able to spend so much time with him for the past few days. I ate dinner over there yesterday on Christmas. I don’t know what I’m waiting for, with regard to getting a job.

There is another problem that we are dealing with. One of Jesse’s other girlfriends thinks that she might be pregnant. He has several girlfriends, which I am gradually finding out about, and there is more than just me and this possibly-pregnant girl, because he has been letting me see his text messages on his phone. I don’t know how many there are. He seems to have a limitless ability to meet new girls, befriend them, and have sex with them (or at least make out).

We are still working on finding out why this girl is having symptoms of pregnancy. It’s complicated – she’s on the pill, but was temporarily off it, which apparently caused her to desire sex again (the pill kills all desire), so she had sex with Jesse, and then suspected something might have happened to the condom, but she wasn’t sure what, and now she has symptoms of pregnancy. I am speculating that it’s not a real pregnancy, but might be a false pregnancy which was somehow triggered by getting on, and off, and on the pills again. She got a negative on two pregnancy tests, but is having some major symptoms of pregnancy.

It’s complicated, but basically, birth control pills are one of the most horrifically evil poisons ever created. They cause cancer. They are NOT merely an exact copy of the hormones that your body naturally produces. Don’t ever, ever, ever believe anyone who tells you that some synthetic chemical is harmless because it’s merely an exact copy of the chemical produced by your body. It is NEVER exactly the same thing.

Even if I can’t prove that the molecular structure is different, I can still argue that there are ‘residual reagents in the final product.’ That is my strongest argument. When you mix chemicals together in some big complicated process in a factory, or when you do any other processes that aren’t just ‘mixing chemicals’ (for example, monosodium glutamate can be created from some weird, horrible, disgusting process where you get a bunch of bacteria, then make them explode their inner guts out, and collect the guts, and somehow purify MSG from this! bacteria guts! MSG!), it will always leave some little bit of the original ‘stuff’ in the final product. If you mix cyanide together with some chemical, and then tell people, ‘Oh, it’s made from cyanide, but all the cyanide is bonded together into some other chemical by the end,’ that’s never true. There will always be a molecule or two of unreacted cyanide (or whatever) in the final product, as an unreacted residue. Whatever you mixed together, whatever you did to produce this stuff, it will always have some of the original ingredients left over in it, and whatever else you mixed with it, and it won’t ever be a 100% pure synthetic chemical.

Not only that, but they don’t really care that much if they produce the mirror image of a chemical – the isomers – or some other variation of the chemical, as long as it doesn’t cause ‘instant death to everyone.’ Yeah, sure, okay, maybe it isn’t EXACTLY the same molecule, but who cares? It won’t kill you! If you investigate any synthetic molecule, you will always find that, when you look really closely down to the details, something will be different from the natural chemical. It’s an isomer of the molecule, or it’s mixed with reagents from the manufacturing process that are still left over, or it’s lacking a bunch of co-factors that normally occur with it and help it work in nature – like natural vitamins and all the cofactors and complexes that work together, which are totally absent in synthetic vitamins – one website gave an analogy of the parts of a car engine, all thrown together in a pile but not assembled, and someone tells you this is a car and it’s supposed to run.

Anyway, so, birth control pills… It would be much safer to use ANIMAL ORGANS AND GLANDS, but no, we’re not allowed to know that animal organs and glands exist, because that would destroy the drug company monopoly, because every single slaughterhouse on the planet would have access to MILLIONS OF DOLLARS worth of extremely valuable lifesaving natural hormones worth their weight in gold, or platinum, which have fewer side effects and are cheaper than the synthetic versions. Diabetics all over the world HATED it when the drug companies started manufacturing synthetic insulin and refusing to sell porcine insulin anymore, because the synthetic insulin is extremely destructive and toxic to the body, whereas the porcine insulin is well tolerated and not harmful. Don’t ever believe a word of it if anyone ever tells you that a synthetic chemical is the same as the one in nature.

Birth control pills – one of the most evil poisons ever invented. Not only do they cause cancer, they also cause long-term infertility, but not in everyone – perhaps in people who are more vulnerable for other reasons, such as poor nutrition and lack of dietary fats. Do you want permanent infertility as a result of taking birth control pills which were meant to be a temporary protection? Do you want cancer?

They cause many, many other problems. I won’t even go into it. It’s everywhere on google. Millions upon millions of anecdotes written by real people who have survived the horrors of birth control pills and lived to tell about it.

So, right now, we are preoccupied with finding out what’s wrong with this poor girl’s body, why she is sick and showing symptoms of pregnancy but getting negative pregnancy test results. I am helping, because when Jesse tries to talk about this, he gets extremely angry and extremely terrified. He feels that his whole life is threatened by this situation. So, since I am a calm outsider, I’m gradually talking to this girl about it and finding out what’s happening and what needs to be done.

It’s funny, I’m an atheist, but I have a lot of beliefs that resemble strict religious beliefs. For example: I don’t believe in birth control; I don’t believe in abortions either. Both are dangerous. A religious person might explain it differently.

I guess I became pro-life after reading Julian Simon. But I was always fascinated with this subject anyway, about how to give birth to healthy babies who will grow up to maximize the potential of their bodies and minds, without being harmed by preventable injuries that are inflicted by lifestyle or by deliberate attacks from society (circumcision, haircutting, tooth removals, organ removals,
vaccinations, drugging, etc). I can’t protect against random accidents, but I can protect against those things that people everywhere do deliberately and routinely.

Anyway, so I’m pro-life in many ways. I believe that, perhaps, we will leave this planet and colonize other planets, and so there is no harm done if we have 20 children or more. There is no upper limit on our population. However, I am very much in favor of species diversity. I am not at all pleased by the chopping down of forests and the planting of fields of government-subsidized corn.

But that’s another story. I’ll post this for now.

I’m pro-life, but I wonder, if that little stray cat got pregnant from Max, would I take her and her kittens? There is a little black wild cat, which is starting to trust me. I am petting her and feeding her. Mary Jo doesn’t want me to feed her, and she doesn’t want her hanging around this house, because she was in heat not too long ago, and Mary Jo heard her yowling in the night, and she fought with the other cats. She told me to stop leaving food on the porch overnight. The strays are coming over here and eating it.

I only have limited resources, but in principle, I wish I could be much more pro-life than I am. I can barely drag myself to work every day as it is. All of society should not be the way it is now. I don’t want asphalt and concrete on the ground, and dams on the rivers, and all the giant thousand year old trees chopped down. I don’t want poisonous fertilizers, pesticides, and herbicides running off our farmers’ fields into the rivers and the oceans. I don’t want radio waves surrounding our entire planet and bombarding us constantly from satellites. I don’t want many things, but those things are NOT an inevitable result of a human population on the planet. We do not have to live this way.

I guess I need to eventually get up and do what I was going to do. Oh, I guess the photos will be attached at the end of this blog unless I go to my wordpress dashboard and edit the post. I’m just sending it from email.

my liver hurts

December 22, 2014

1:24 AM 12/22/2014

I’m actually having a hard time right now. My liver hurts, and my intestines have a feeling of being very sick and hungry at the same time, somehow, painful and empty. It’s the ginseng, I know that. I’m in enough discomfort that it’s hard to concentrate, and after I complained about the game getting hacked, they hacked it again and messed up more stuff, immediately after I posted that blog. I can’t redo all the stuff that they destroyed because I just can’t think right now, since I feel sick and can’t concentrate.

I had an incident with Jesse which worries me – it’s the type of thing I don’t want to be doing. Jesse invited me to jog with him today. We had texted several times, but he said he didn’t want to go right now, so I figured he might want to go later. We texted a few more times and I told him I was going to get food. When I went to Weis, I got the food and then went directly to his house, even though he hadn’t explicitly invited me to come over at that exact moment – we hadn’t officially said that we were definitely going to meet each other right now and go jogging, we had just been texting a little bit in an indecisive way. But I went over there, and then sent him a text, and the wording of the message was written by ‘them’ – I told him that I was sitting outside eating my soup, but that if he didn’t want me there he could tell me to leave. I sort of thought he would just open the door and then come outside and we would go jogging, but then, he texted me back and said he was taking a nap. I apologized and said I would leave after I finished eating, and I did.

I don’t want to aggressively go to his house whenever he hasn’t explicitly invited me. It’s not *really* bad to do that, since he has accepted my relationship with him in general, it’s just that it could become annoying if it happens too often or gets out of control or excessive. He lives with his parents, and so he has to be willing for me to come over – it isn’t always convenient, and he doesn’t really want me hanging out with his family. I can’t just go there and hang out in one of his rooms and leave him alone while he naps or something – he’s not really comfortable just having me there.

I don’t have any food in the house, not really. I have a few things, but not enough, and nothing I really want. My liver hurts, my intestines sort of hurt and feel hungry, and I can’t concentrate, and I sort of feel like I need to gag or vomit. Liver and stomach problems are connected with anger – I don’t mean that anger CAUSES liver and stomach problems, I mean that the liver and stomach problems happen first as a result of the poison, and after something is wrong with your liver and stomach, you get angry, because the discomfort in your stomach feels the same as the emotion of anger and is connected to the emotional system in your body. Emotions result from physical things going on in your body. They are not merely some vague thing going on in your brain, up in your head. The sickness comes first from poison, and the anger results from the feeling of sickness, and that is what I have going on here. The hackers did their usual routine of doing something to cause even more anger – they hacked the game again after I wrote the previous blog. I can’t always predict what the hackers are going to do, because sometimes they might do something ‘nice’ and fix whatever it was that I complained about – that has happened before too, which is why I chanced it and decided to complain. I don’t remember specific examples, I just vaguely remember incidents where hacking problems got fixed because I complained about them – I’d write a complaint, and the hacking problem instantly went away, or perhaps was fixed by the next day. It can happen and sometimes happens, and that was why I decided to complain about it.

However, I remember extreme and severe hostility and attacks associated with anything creative that I was doing, music in particular, and the hostility of this attack on the gamemaker resembles that. I had actually thought about getting a music program, something I could download for free, so that I could edit sounds and music, and the reason I was thinking about doing that was because I was working with gamemaker.

Why would the hackers be hostile about something that they themselves suggested I do in the first place? They’re the ones who were putting the word ‘gamemaker’ into my head over and over again, suggesting that I go out and find this and download it. I don’t know if the ‘benevolent attackers’ are the same people, or different people, from the ‘hostile attackers,’ or whether they really are two different groups fighting against each other. I always assumed that the ‘good cop/bad cop’ routine was a trick designed to manipulate me and get my loyalty. I always assumed they were the same people, sometimes pretending to be evil and malicious, other times pretending to be benevolent and helpful and wishing me the best. I have no way of knowing whether they are the same, or different people.

The net effect is that I have stayed here in State College, miserable, working minimum wage jobs, unable to save any money, unable to relocate even a couple miles in any direction to even the closest town, for instance, Altoona. I can’t even so much as move to Altoona. I mentioned Altoona because I’ve been there a couple times recently and I sort of liked it. It’s different from State College. It has a different sort of people. I noticed more pregnant women walking around there – no joke – and if there are pregnant people walking around, then it is a good place to live. There is almost nobody pregnant walking around in State College. This is a ‘business only’ place to live. Nothing but students studying here. It’s not a ‘home.’

Anyway the net result of these attacks has been to ruin my life for seventeen years. Granted, I have Jesse, probably because of their intervention. I have reason to believe that he was brought to me by force, by their intervention. However, they shouldn’t be attacking him either – they shouldn’t be attacking either of us. There is no way to separate ‘what would have happened’ from ‘what did happen,’ because I have not been free from the attacks for decades, perhaps my entire life. I cannot know what I would have done without the attacks, but I know for sure that I would have been more successful in life than this. I used to be able to concentrate, in my mind, quietly, and when I concentrate, I achieve great things. I would have done much more. I would not have done seventeen years of misery. They’re forcing me to keep losing jobs and being unable to apply to new ones, right now, so that I can’t have any money to go down to Georgia with Jesse. But it helps to relocate, for many reasons – the attacks differ from place to place, although they do not completely stop, and if you can find a location where the attackers are, for some reason, more mellow and less dedicated to total, nonstop life destruction, maybe because they have fewer resources, maybe because they are happier in their own lives and feel less of a need to kill and destroy, but for whatever reason, the attackers behave differently in different locations – if you can find a location where they behave differently, then it’s worthwhile to relocate even to some random place for no particular reason, just to get away from the location where the attackers are more violent and more totally destructive. There are variables – I know that here in State College, the attacks are so completely nonstop that I don’t even have a space of a couple seconds in between the constant zaps. But in other locations, you might actually get moments of silence in between attacks which are distinct, individual, separated attacks, instead of a constant nonstop storm of unavoidable noise. In those brief moments between the attacks, it’s possible to think a thought all the way through to the end of it. They let you live, a little bit. That’s why I wanted to move to random locations with Jesse as he goes into the military, so that I could try other areas and see if I coudl find places where the attackers were less horrible than they are here. I could also go to Green Bank, WV, and see how it is there – they have rules about the use of electromagnetic frequencies because of the radio telescope there.

I’m sick and hungry. I need to use some kind of drug so I can survive this unemployment, so I can fill out applications in spite of my terror and trauma blocking me from writing the words on the paper. I don’t like this side effect of sickness, liver pain, rage, and impulsive/inappropriate behavior such as obeying the forced urge to ride my bike over to Jesse’s house when he was taking a nap. I imagine the impulsive behavior will get worse as my liver gets more poisoned over time. I’m also noticing light sensitivity – these horrible, evil, mercury-poisoned, energy saver compact fluorescent bulbs, which I swore I was going to replace with normal bulbs, but never got around to it – they are too bright, and burn my eyes while I sit here using the computer, so I have to do it with all the lights off – I can’t stand even to have one of those lights on indirectly when it’s in the next room not shining right into my eyes. The light is absolutely horrible. Normally, I always hate those bulbs, but my eyes are less sensitive and I’m able to ignore them, for the most part, although they cause subconscious discomfort and I would prefer to have incandescent bulbs. You shouldn’t have to ignore pain. Subconscious pain *does* lower your quality of life, even though you think it’s not there and you think you’re able to ignore it. If these were incandescent bulbs, I’d be happier and more relaxed because that subconscious pain would be gone. The less subconscious pain you have, the less of a burden is on you constantly, and the higher your quality of life. Subconscious pain matters, and that is why mind control attacks are extremely harmful to quality of life, even though the stupid soul-murderers claim that we’re unable to perceive the attacks, and therefore it’s not doing us any harm. It IS harming us. Any subconscious discomfort and subconscious distraction increases the burden upon us and lowers our quality of life.

I don’t want to call Mom again and ask for money. And I wanted to be able to visit WV too. I was hoping to go down there soon. I won’t be able to because I have no money. This needs to be fixed, and soon – I won’t be able to tolerate this ginseng for very long. I need to quit it soon. It’s making me too sick and angry.

a hacking-related complaint – I am angrier than usual, probably from the ginseng, and the hacking is angering me now

December 22, 2014

I’ve been using GameMaker again now that I am unemployed. For several weeks now, there has been something wrong with it, and it’s not a normal bug. It got hacked, for harassment purposes. They took away the tooltips for all the buttons, so that you cannot hover over a button to see the tooltip telling you what the button does. I have to keep either just pushing buttons to see what they do, or looking for them in the help file. I can find most of them in the help file, but not always easily, and it’s much easier to just hover over the button and see the tooltip. You can set GameMaker to display tooltips, and I definitely have that box checkmarked ‘yes.’ I even tried reinstalling it, but the tooltips did not reappear. They were there at first, then went away, which indicates hacking. This kind of thing has been done to me for years and years and years. It happened after I said that the only thing I couldn’t figure out in GameMaker was the fact that you have to drag and drop (or right click) the buttons in the ‘actions’ area – I kept trying to ‘press’ them, and it gave me a ‘no’ symbol (the circle with a diagonal line) telling me not to do that. So they took off the tooltips right after I said that, and then, I started right clicking those buttons, hoping that maybe right clicking them would show a tooltip, and found that they get dragged into the area automatically when you right click them, which is easier than dragging, but I still don’t have a tooltip showing for any of them. This thing about showing tooltips might be set somewhere in the registry, but I don’t know where to look for it, and I’m not taking enough drugs right now to make me ‘computer aggressive.’ There have been times when I was drugged enough that I would have tried to look for that setting in the registry, although I’m guessing that it will just say ‘1’ (on) like it’s supposed to, and the hacking is elsewhere.

Something similar happened years ago when I bought a computer that didn’t have a wifi antenna, so that I believed there was no way anyone could hack into my computer to harass me. (I don’t like the word ‘harass’ because it minimizes the anger and the harm that is being done, and makes it sound trivial.) Even though I had no wifi antenna on that computer, hacking incidents still occurred, because they were being done with electronic weapons, and not through the internet connection or the wifi connection. I would be ‘thinking a thought’ while playing one of my video games, just ‘noticing’ that this particular glowing effect, which was supposed to be attached to the weapons in the game, was not turned on, which made it hard to see the weapon, and whenever I was being forced to think that thought and notice that the glow was missing, suddenly it would turn itself back on spontaneously, always at the moment when I was being forced to notice this and think that thought. This was one of the torture and brainwashing methods being used – ‘training’ me to notice that something is happening, by doing a big and obvious demonstration of it, so that I became forever aware of it afterwards and could never forget that it was happening or was able to happen.

I am not in a good mood – I feel very hungry, and the ginseng pill is *probably* in my intestines right now, I’m guessing – it will be causing more effects, and murderous anger was one of the effects that I noticed when I took ginseng before. The hackers and mind
controllers always did more severe torture and abuse in the past whenever I was on drugs, because they were trying to trigger murderous rage – they wanted to force me to go out and kill somebody or kill myself. I remember when this was going on – I remember one particular incident where I was on St. John’s Wort and I was lying in bed, and they kept forcing the ‘tiger face’ image into my head over and over again, and triggering artificial rage every time I saw the tiger face, and saying the phrase ‘SUICIDAL RAGE!!!!’ in an annoying,
high-pitched, squeaky voice, and I was lying in bed steadfastly ignoring this attack, and the more I ignored it, meditating and silencing my mind, the more they attacked, so I started repeating a phrase over and over in my subvocal whispers to try to block all this out – I forget what I was whispering – and that caused them to retaliate by loudly clicking all the objects in the room, with loud, external, physical clicks out in the real world, not in my head, banging on metal objects around the room – this is done by means of VHF radio waves, if I recall – very high frequency – I might be remembering wrong, but VHF (or maybe VLF? very low frequency?) transduces directly from radio waves to sound whenever it hits particular objects, without any kind of hardware designed for transforming radio into sound – you don’t need a speaker or anything, it just changes physically from radio into sound, if you use particular frequencies and hit them against certain kinds of objects, and this is what is happening whenever meteors make sounds that you hear instantly while the meteor is overhead, which cannot possibly be normal sound because sound travels too slowly to get there at that moment. It’s called… geophysical… something. I’ve mentioned it several times in this blog. Yes, okay, google the words ‘Geophysical Electrophonics,’ and you will see what I mean. This is a natural phenomenon, but it has been weaponized and is now being used to make noises remotely and harass people, and also probably to move objects or break things.

I’ve been using GameMaker for weeks now with the tooltips not showing up, after they had been there originally until I mentioned in my blog about how I hadn’t been able to figure out how to drag the actions into the area where they go. It’s very slow and frustrating to try to figure out what those tiny symbols mean without having tooltips, and not only that, but in some of the tutorials that I’m doing, the button images have changed, perhaps by accident, so that the button they show in the tutorial looks different from the real button in my version of the software. That happened with a couple of the ‘health/life’ related buttons in the tutorial with the airplane game.

I didn’t benefit much from the ginseng today – I didn’t get up and do much that was useful, and I didn’t do chores or fill out an
application. But now, I’m having this effect many hours later which might be from the ginseng, the feeling of hunger and anger – I had just been resolutely ignoring the missing tooltips all this time, knowing that it had gotten hacked for harassment, but now, it’s making me angry tonight.

I haven’t done anything new on my own game yet. I’m still doing the tutorials. Right now I’m struggling to learn how to do particle effects. I tried using them before, on my own, but they didn’t work – they are not really easy to just jump in and do, and you have to do a series of processes and do them the right way, and I had no idea what to do. I saw particles occurring in the ‘Knytt’ game, when the spaceship was burning and falling down, and little colored circles of smoke were flying out behind it.

I played King’s Quest II online, with HTML5, recently. I also consulted a few web pages about unanswered questions I had from the game – for instance, what does the bridle do? If you rub the lamp three times, you get the magic carpet, then a sword, then the bridle. You should ignore the sword for now, and instead of killing the snake with the sword, you throw the bridle on the snake. It turns into a winged horse, who gives you a sugar cube so that you won’t die when you touch the poisonous brambles. I remember struggling for a million years to get through the poisoned brambles. I’m not the only one! Others said the same. The sugar cube would have helped. So I tried it and it worked. Incidentally, a snake turning into a horse is a phallic symbol, just like many or most animals and transformations happening in mythology and in the bible.

How long will I be unemployed this time? I love learning GameMaker, but I’m not getting paid (right away) to do that. It could pay off in the long run if I learn how to do it, and do it well, and make real games, and either sell them, or sell advertisements on the games. It can be done, but it cannot be done this very instant – it won’t make me rich next week. I’d love to do it, as I’d love to do many other things that I cannot do unless I have plenty of free time.

My reaction to ginseng; GMO plants with some nicotine-like substance; thoughts about using both a lunar and solar calendar; Robin Williams in ‘Night At The Museum’

December 21, 2014

1:21 PM 12/21/2014

I’m taking a form of ginseng, still. It’s Nature’s Bounty Ginseng Complex with Royal Jelly, because that’s all they had at Rite-Aid. Ginseng wasn’t available at Weis, although they do have a variety of other supplements and herbs there, just not that particular one.

I took only my third pill today. I took two pills the other day, then skipped a day and took a break from it yesterday. I took one more this morning.

It does have an effect on me. It makes me smarter and able to think more deeply, although, in the past, I was able to think this deeply all the time without drugs, back before I was constantly sleep deprived, overcaffeinated, and bombarded with electronic mind control attacks and electromagnetic pollution.

This particular type isn’t causing the problem I had last time I took ginseng. I tested it once while I was camping, and the effects were so bad, I took one pill and then threw away the rest of the bottle and refused to take it again. That time, it made me feel like my head was going to explode or something, and I almost vomited. I do remember that I got up and did some work, though, which was why I wanted it!

This particular type seems to be milder in its effects, or maybe, I’m cleaner and don’t have as many St. John’s Wort residues on my skin from the contamination – the two drugs together interact and cause worse effects. Back then, I was still pretty badly contaminated.

Right now, my floor is contaminated and I have to wear socks all the time and never go barefoot, but for the most part, I don’t have problems with it at the moment. I did the other day – I started my period, and was cramping, and at one point I was kneeling on the floor in the bathroom, with my bare knees touching the floor. Afterwards, I had insomnia from the ephedra residues on the floor, and absolutely could not sleep no matter what, even though I was *extremely* exhausted from cramping and, well, what can only be described as ‘bowel cleansing.’ So I had to wash off my knees and legs, and suddenly, instantly, I laid down and went to sleep immediately afterwards. The ephedra is still very much here on the floor, just in small quantities.

For what it’s worth, I was cramping without ibuprofen, which I sometimes have a desire to do – it’s like natural childbirth, basically. When I allow that to happen, it causes me to spew out everything that is in my intestines at the time, in both directions if I’m unlucky. I usually try not to vomit, but there will definitely be tons and tons of diarrhea until my entire intestine is completely empty. Strangely, this makes me feel really good the next day. It literally is just like a bowel cleanse, which some people do deliberately as an alternative medicine treatment. I do feel strangely refreshed and clear minded and less yucky the next day if I allow this to happen.

I have wondered why we menstruate. Surely, everyone has wondered that, and scientists and biologists wonder it too, and they observe what other animals do. Not all animals menstruate the way we do. Some animals reabsorb the lining of their uterus if they don’t get pregnant. I think we bleed it out and discard it to make sure there aren’t any bacteria or fungus infections in there. That’s just my theory.

But for whatever reason, while I’m cramping, EVERYTHING in my entire lower body starts spewing out everything inside it, not just the uterus. But it doesn’t work as well if I take ibuprofen to reduce the pain of the cramps. I have to have violent spewing of everything in order for this to really work. It’s horrible and unbearable, and I really don’t like to vomit. But it seems to have a *temporary* positive effect the next day, making me feel lighter and cleaner temporarily. I almost never allow myself to vomit when this happens, but it has happened on very rare occasions. That’s usually towards the end of the cramping when it’s almost over. I cramp badly for, maybe, two or three hours, and then it’s all done, and I just have mild pain for a while after that.

That whole tangent happened because I mentioned the incident of kneeling on the floor and getting ephedra on me.

So I’m not as contaminated, and not having as bad of side effects from this particular type of ginseng. However, there is a disturbing effect the next day. I believe that it takes a while for all the effects to happen, because some of it happens when the pill reaches your large intestine, where more of the substances start to get absorbed, many hours after you take the pill, or the next day. That happened when I ate wild purslane. It was fine at first, but then, about eight hours later, in the middle of the night, I had heart arrhythmias from the cardiac glycoside poisons. I felt like I was going to die. I have classified purslane as poisonous and inedible, even though other people claim that it’s commonly eaten in foreign countries. There might be a domesticated variety with less poison in it.

That’s the whole reason we domesticate plants for food, to reduce the poisons they contain, which is why it’s utterly ridiculous to create GMO corn with more poisons in it to kill bugs – we spent thousands of years domesticating these plants to be helpless and without poison, and now, we’re like, ‘You don’t have enough poison, so we’re going to manufacture some DNA to make you have poisons again.’ This is one particular type of GMO corn (or whatever plant) where they’ve added…. nicotinamides? I believe that’s it. Some form of nicotine, which is a natural pesticide.

Tobacco plants produce nicotine, and its effect is to kill insects and protect the plant. People can spray tobacco juices on other plants as a pesticide. Now they’re making GMO plants that produce a
nicotine-based pesticide to protect them from bugs. But it’s stupid – we bred them to be edible and lacking poison, and also, the reason why they are so helpless is partly because our soils are depleted and devoid of minerals for the plants, so the plants are unhealthy. Also, I find that particular GMO plant to be extremely suspicious: if it contains a nicotine-like substance, then it is likely to be extremely addictive.

Neonicotinamides? I just heard a voice in my head saying it. I’d have to google it. Even though it isn’t exactly the same chemical, blah blah blah, it’s still likely to be addictive and to have effects similar to nicotine in the body, because our metabolism breaks things down into pieces, and it’s possible that nicotine will be a metabolic byproduct if it has any form of nicotine anywhere in the molecule.

Cocaine and that other thing dentists use – novocaine – are similar and have similar effects – the molecules are related to each other and if I recall, both come from the coca plant (I could be wrong – maybe novocaine is entirely synthetic). Just because they’re slightly different molecules doesn’t mean you can just ignore one of them and say it has no effect on the body whatsoever. It has slightly different effects, but is similar.

Therefore, neonicosoids or neonicotinamides or whatever are going to have *some* kind of effect in the body, which might have a resemblance to nicotine’s effects. I’m actually more concerned about THAT plant than I am about Roundup-Ready GMO corn. Roundup-ready’s harmful effects result from the fact that people spray the plant with tons and tons and tons of Roundup, which remains on and in the corn while you’re eating it. The Roundup itself is most likely the cause of the toxic effects that happen when you eat this GMO corn. If you raised Roundup-Ready GMO corn all by itself, without spraying Roundup all over it, I suspect that its effects on you would not be so bad. I suspect that that harmful effects of that particular GMO are not the result of merely the plant itself, but the Roundup sprayed all around it.

However, the other GMO plant with the nicotine-like pesticide, produced within the corn plant as a result of DNA manipulation, worries me more. That one will inevitably have a nicotine-like poison inside the corn, regardless of whether you spray anything on the plant or not. You could raise that plant organically, with no pesticides or herbicides around it, and yet it would still contain a poison inside, produced by the plant, just like any other poisonous plant on earth.

If it’s a nicotine-like substance, then it’s likely to be an addictive drug, but they’re going to claim, ‘Oh, but it isn’t NICOTINE, so it’s nothing to worry about! It’s just in the nicotine FAMILY of molecules, but it doesn’t have any effects that resemble nicotine, ha ha ha!’ So you get addicted to eating corn, as strongly as you get addicted to smoking cigarettes, because something in this
nicotine-like pesticide in the corn plant breaks down into nicotine somewhere in your metabolic processing. That one worries me more than the other GMO plants. It just seems too sinister to have happened by accident out of sheer stupidity. They didn’t just choose a
nicotine-like substance BY ACCIDENT. It has to be a deliberate attempt to secretly force people to be addicted to this corn that produces nicotine, and that is a VERY sinister plot indeed. It’s so sinister it’s worthy of an evil villain on a cheesy kid’s movie. Mwahahahaha! I’m going to produce a GMO corn plant that makes people ADDICTED to my foods, like a drug, so that they crave more and more corn! I’ll be rich!! Mwahahahahah!

There are also non-GMO plants that are being sprayed with tons and tons of Roundup. They discovered that people were using Roundup for a sort of ‘off-label’ use, for a purpose it wasn’t intended for: to kill the FOOD plants, deliberately, when it was time to harvest them. Time to harvest the wheat? Okay, kill all the wheat with Roundup! Spray the WHEAT, the FOOD PLANT, with Roundup to kill THE WHEAT itself, which will then burn up and dry out and turn brown, and therefore be easier to harvest. It then has Roundup residues all over the wheat, even though it was non-GMO wheat. Those people who were doing that were NOT happy about Roundup-Ready GMO plants, because they *want* the plant to be destroyed by Roundup, not immune to it! They wanted Roundup to deliberately destroy the plants so they could be harvested easily.

Oh yeah, when I started this blog, I was just going to comment something about calendars. I saw an article on the weather page about how satellites were observing an increase in brightness due to Christmas lights. They said it also happens in Ramadan in Muslim countries, but they’re not putting up Christmas lights, they’re just doing more activities in the evening with the lights on, or something – it was a different pattern of activity that was causing it. I had to read about Ramadan then, and they say that there is an Islamic lunar calendar, as in, in the modern world, some people are still using a calendar based on the moon. I suddenly realized I like that idea.

In history class in school, I was brainwashed to believe that everything we modern Europeans did was superior. There was this incident in the past where, for example, the SMART PEOPLE decided that everyone shalt henceforth use a particular calendar instead of some other calendar. We did that because we were smarter than those stupid people in the past who were mistakenly and stupidly using some other type of calendar, due to their ignorance and stupidity. Now that we’re smarter, we don’t use that kind of calendar anymore.

They also did something similar with the metric system. Stupid people were using weird measurements with numbers that were hard to calculate and stupid. So we modern people changed it all into nice, neat units of ten, because we’re smarter than those stupid people in the past who used those weird measurements because they were stupid. That was how it was all portrayed to me in school.

However, I learned a few things since then. I learned that actually, there are some very good rationales for using those weird measuring systems based on the number 12, and there are entire groups of people devoted to educating people about the benefits of a twelve-based number system. In reality, the people who are aware of this and fully understand it are SMARTER than we are, not stupider! The people who forced us to switch to a metric system were stupider and didn’t understand what they were doing and what they were giving up.

It’s true, nowadays we can measure the length of the year, and units of time, more precisely, using technology we didn’t have in the past, and so we know exactly how long a year is, to the fraction of a second.

But I like the idea that some people are using units of time based on something they can see with their eyes, by themselves, without any scientific instruments. I like that! Some people are measuring a year in lunar months, by simply observing what the moon is doing, and it’s the Islamic Lunar Calendar. You can also observe what the sun is doing, if you use reference objects outdoors, which the sun will touch at particular seasons of the year. So you can build monoliths and stuff in a certain position, and a seat to sit on in a certain location, and record all the stars and the sun’s locations all year long.

The sun and the moon have separate cycles, so the lengths of these two years won’t match. But why is that so horrible, I suddenly asked myself, and I realized: It’s not! It’s actually no big deal at all. What’s wrong with the idea of having two separate calendars that are measuring two separate things, which don’t totally coincide with each other? You just use each one for a particular purpose that it’s suited to, and if necessary, you adjust them once a year so they work together, or something, if you want to – or not! All you’d have to do would be add a few days at the end of the year, every year, to reset the calendar and make the lunar one match with the solar one. No big deal! There is no reason why one calendar must prevail over the other one and totally wipe the other one out of existence! Whenever it’s important to pay attention to the seasons, knowing when winter will come and that kind of thing, then we use the solar calendar. When we want to know something else, we use the lunar calendar, or use both together. If you say it’s been four moons since the summer solstice, that’s a meaningful statement even though you are using two different calendars. Why is this such a big deal and such a horrendous thing that we had to portray ourselves as all smart and superior for making one, and only one, Big Unified Standardized Universal Calendar For Everyone And Everything?

I realized this, partly because I’m on ginseng, and I said it makes me smarter. My observations about things are deeper – the observations that fit in between. I’m seeing things in between other things that I wouldn’t normally see, on a deeper level. I usually see the topmost level, but now I see things between things, and things between those things. Meta-observations. Things about things.

Fortunately I’m not seeing the Unsustainable Manic Projects (UMPs) happening like they do with St. John’s Wort. I’m also not having raging sexual arousal either, thankfully. However, that scary feeling the next day, where I feel sort of like I’m going to have a stroke, worries me enough that I might not want to keep using ginseng for long. I will keep the dosage quite low. Oh, also, they recommend that you stop using caffeine and other stimulants while using ginseng. I think I was using *whole* ginseng last time, too, but the stuff I have now is merely an extract.

Last time I tried it, I wanted to kill somebody. My head felt like it would explode, and I felt murderous. I felt like I would vomit. I threw away the bottle after taking only one pill. It’s not like that this time. This time, it’s causing me to feel a constant hunger, an intense and insatiable craving, which indicates that it’s probably depleting my body of some nutrients, I’m guessing. I don’t know. It’s a theory. But I also noticed Spontaneous Cleaning Behaviors (SCBs) – I suddenly see that my room is a huge pile of filth, and I spontaneously get up and clean up one or two piles of filth without really being forced to do it. SCBs are desirable drug effects. I was also able to tolerate filling out *part* (though not all) of a job application, after having used the ginseng – again, tolerating trauma and tolerating severe anxiety, and continuing to do a task in spite of it, is a desirable drug effect.

I also noticed Morning Tremor, which I get when I’m exposed to pesticides. I wake up in bed, vibrating. My whole body vibrates, back and forth, rhythmically. It only happens in the morning when I first wake up. It is always a sure indication that I was exposed to a very toxic substance the previous day, almost always pesticides or herbicides. This brand contains Royal Jelly, which is something that bees feed to the queen bee, so it’s possible that I really am getting pesticides! Bees, unfortunately, collect pollen and nectar in areas that have been sprayed with pesticides, and they bring it home and poison the entire colony, causing everybody to die. If it’s only a small amount, it probably decreases their health and weakens them, without killing them all, and so I am able to eat royal jelly that contains small amounts of pesticides, enough to cause me to wake up with a morning tremor the next day. I’d get another brand, but that requires a bus trip to some other grocery store or Wal-Mart. Anyway, I could also just be having morning tremor as a direct result of ginseng itself, I just don’t know that for sure. When I bought this bottle, I said, ‘Mark my words: Every time you buy an herbal supplement with some other stuff added to it, it’s always bad.’ Don’t buy supplements that have a bunch of stuff mixed together – it’s always bad. Don’t buy vitamin supplements that secretly have a bunch of herbal supplements added in to them. You never know what effects you’re going to get, and it’s always bad, and the drugs interact with each other and cause stronger effects and worse effects than they do by themselves, or else, they cause effects which you cannot pinpoint or troubleshoot because it could have been caused by any one of the ingredients.

Anyway, Jesse wanted to go for a jog today. I can’t jog, I can only trot briefly and then take a rest break and walk slowly, but even so, he wants to do this with me. We did it last night. I took him to see a movie, and we rode the bus. He never rides the bus, so it was a new experience. We saw Night At The Museum 3, Robin Williams’ last movie, and it was ‘strangely coincidental’ that this was a movie where Robin Williams dies for the last time. Jesse said that actually, Robin Williams had played another role just before that, where he said something to the effect of, ‘I’m going to die in 2014.’ In ‘Museum,’ he still doesn’t really die for the last time, but he dies permanently from the point of view of the main character who I’m calling ‘Walter Mitty’ because I can’t remember that actor’s real name.

Walter Mitty leaves the museum once and for all and never sees Robin Williams again, and leaves behind his ‘childish fantasies,’ and moves on to becoming an adult, sadly. We let go of something forever in that movie, and Robin Williams is part of what we are letting go. Jesse and I were both moved, more than was expected of you from the movie itself, every time Robin Williams was in the process of dying, and also at a moment where he falls into space – although he falls back upwards again because it’s an MC Escher painting (you had to be there), and so he doesn’t really die that time. Every time Robin Williams was turning into wax, I could feel the death of the real actor in progress. It matches reality too closely. He was getting Parkinson’s disease too, or perhaps Parkinsonism, which is temporary, curable, and drug-induced, but which everyone always misdiagnoses as a permanent and irreversible disease, without every asking you, ‘What drugs are you taking that could have caused this Parkinson-like movement disorder?’ Nope, it’s never drug-induced! It’s always a permanent, irreversible, incurable disease all by itself that has nothing to do with drugs, according to mainstream doctors! Oh well. I think he died because of antidepressants, but that’s another story. Antidepressants are usually the thing that pushes you over the edge when you’re suicidal. You finally get the guts to do it for real because of the antidepressants.

I’m going to try to go for another trot with Jesse, maybe. I’m not fat, but what little fat that I have sloshes up and down when I jog, heavy and bulky, clunking along, stomp stomp stomp stomp. I don’t jog lightly. I should go barefoot on the soil – that helps – but it’s icy cold outside. And last time I ran barefoot, I stubbed my toe on a rock, and I believe I actually broke my toe, for real, I just didn’t go to the doctor to get it splinted. It was badly hurt for a very long time, actually, when I ran barefoot and bumped a rock. So, you have to be very careful and not bump any rocks with your toes. Or, you just get used to breaking your toes over and over again, and maybe they get stronger and stronger every time they rebuild themselves, so that your toes finally become a solid, unbreakable mass of bone. Who knows. That would only happen if you are eating a nourishing diet that doesn’t deplete your bones of minerals, and I am NOT eating ANYTHING that resembles that kind of diet. Just the opposite – I drink tons of Coke and coffee.

So I reluctantly agree to go sloshing along with Jesse, who is tall, beautiful, slender, lightweight, fast, and longlegged. It’s like a dwarf jogging with an elf. (We went to see ‘The Hobbit – 5 Armies’ after seeing ‘Museum.’) I’m sort of a combination of dwarf, elf, and hobbit, maybe. I have Galadriel’s long hair, although not quite as long as hers. I have a mustache, and some legends claim that female dwarves have mustaches, although they are never seen. I could possibly be a hobbit too, since I’m pretty short. Who knows what I am. Something weird. Jesse has to slow himself down greatly to jog with me. We jogged home, not wanting to wait for the bus after the movie, and it took forever, and we were dead exhausted. I woke up this morning feeling like a train ran over me, AND NOW HE WANTS TO JOG AGAIN! But he’s practicing for the military. Boot camp, January 19th. 😦

Well, time to post this.

The Sacred Schedule: one example of a totally stupid way of doing things, which the market has chosen freely

December 20, 2014

Warning: enormous rant!

11:48 AM 12/20/2014

I’m still struggling to define or describe what it is that I’m seeing or feeling, with regard to market forces and evolution not improving quality of life. I’m trying to say *something*, it’s just hard to define or articulate.

Something just happened that is an example. I got a job working at Carnegie. I’ll make a long story short. They thought I wanted tons and tons of hours, but that’s not really what I wanted. We were not able to communicate deeply and thoroughly enough to be able to specify exactly what it was that I wanted – a couple brief shallow
conversations are not enough to get the nuances out. I was not understood. The manager, trying to be helpful, actually gave me way too many hours, and I was getting burned out.

I also think I might have gone into withdrawal from turmeric-cumin (not sure which one of the two was more important – I tried both), as they had a drug-like effect on me. And, it was a snowy day. For whatever reason, on one day, I was supposed to come in at noon and work a very long day, which would have been 11 or 12 hours. My whole body hurt so much that all I wanted to do was lie in bed and cry, and it was either withdrawal from the spices, or the approaching snowstorm, or some other factor, but something made me in so much pain that day that I could not work.

I talked to the manager about it and asked to reduce my schedule. I said I wouldn’t be able to work that many hours in the next few days. I said I was getting burned out, right now, getting sick and unable to take care of myself. I also said that I would not be working that day.

I’ll make a long story short: they ended my temp assignment – they fired me. All I did was try to call off sick ONE DAY, one time, and tried to reduce the amount of hours I was working. The new manager guy was crazy – he had problems of his own – I think he was on drugs. He did not necessarily choose of his own free will to do all the crazy things he was doing, and he did not necessarily choose to fire me either.

But this whole event brings up the issue of the ‘Sacred Schedule’ phenomenon. Even though this particular manager might not have fired me of his own free will – he was making crazy, bad, impulsive decisions, firing people, getting rid of things, changing things rapidly and suddenly, just making bad management decisions – even so, our issue involved a schedule.

The phenomenon of scheduling is a free market phenomenon which is not required by law. The law does not dictate the exact days and times when employees must work, and yet, there is this huge, overwhelming, enormous, mass, conglomerate, aggregate norm which is almost universal and unavoidable – a ‘market force’ – something everybody is doing, all together, all at once, with almost no deviation from this norm. It is like a universal form of blindness.

Market forces have beaten down the alternatives, and something stupid and antilife has won the battle for dominance in the marketplace. It has gotten there through the sheer stupidity of huge masses of people, and not because a law is forcing people to do it that way. Market forces, the free market, chose this norm, even though it is extremely stupid and harmful and antilife, and it totally destroys quality of life for millions upon millions of people, merely because the huge masses, the overwhelming sheer numbers of people, the people who make the decisions, the people who make the norms, are all universally and globally stupid and brainless and retarded, as a group, as a whole, as an aggregate, and all of them are universally doing this stupid retarded thing even though no law requires them to do it, and only the naturally occurring market forces are making them do it – they do it because they choose to do it, not because they are required to do it.

Millions and millions of people brainlessly choosing to do something which is completely idiotic and antilife, to the point where it is an almost universal, almost unavoidable norm with almost no visible alternatives or other options available anywhere to be found, is what I refer to as ‘market forces.’

The free market chose to create the ‘Sacred Schedule.’ Yet the Sacred Schedule is so harmful, so destructive to all human life, so harmful to human freedom, and it is NOT the optimal solution, NOT the best solution, not even a half-decent or ‘good’ solution or ‘okay’ solution, but rather a HORRIBLE solution which is totally destroying quality of life for millions upon millions, even BILLIONS of people.

And it exists because market forces put it there, freely, without being forced to do so. Market forces – millions of brainless morons – created and built the Sacred Schedule, and required everyone to use it. Even though no law has been written to require people to all follow the Sacred Schedule, almost all of them do, and it is only a tiny minority of people who are the exception to this rule, and those people happen to be at the VERY BOTTOM of the pay scale, the people who are right this moment being stepped upon and ground down into the pavement beneath the feet of the wealthy and powerful people above them who make the norms and make the status quo and make the world the way it is.

Do I sound like a Marxist? When I try to read anything written about Marxism, some of it is ridiculous, and some of it has grains of truth in it. I haven’t tried to really read anything about Marxism, or read the writings of Marx himself, for a while.

I can try to describe what the Sacred Schedule is, but I won’t be able to describe all of it, because there are a lot of hidden assumptions behind it that I cannot articulate. I can only say that it exists as a norm because the number of retarded people is a huge number compared to the number of smart people, and the retarded people created this norm out of the sheer brute force of overwhelming numbers,
overwhelming masses crushing all the alternative ways of doing things out of existence, so that only a TINY minority of powerless, weak, underpaid people – plus a tiny minority of computer programmers and a couple of other very small exceptions in specialized fields of work, and also the super-wealthy who have passive incomes and no longer need to show up at a ‘Job’ – are the only ones who use anything other than the Sacred Schedule. Market forces built the Sacred Schedule, and now, it is almost impossible to find any alternatives available anywhere – the norm is so unavoidable, so inescapable, that it is for all practical purposes a monopoly, a free market near-monopoly that isn’t required by law, but exists only because of the stupidity of billions of people who rule by brute force and sheer numbers – market forces at work. Market forces chose freely to give us this garbage and shove it down our throats.

You probably already have some idea of what I mean when I say ‘The Sacred Schedule.’ The most basic form of the Sacred Schedule is: you are required to work Monday through Friday from 8am to 5pm. You are required also to take a lunch at a particular time, say from 11am to 12pm, or 12pm to 1pm, and of course, everyone everywhere is taking this lunch simultaneously, frantically running errands in packed traffic jams, waiting in line for 45 minutes at the McDonald’s drive-thru because the entire planet went to lunch simultaneously at noon, at the same time you did, and all of them are out right now frantically running errands and eating as fast as possible before they get back to work.

The total blindness to everything, the total blindness surrounding this norm, the total ignorance of any alternative schedule designs, is overwhelmingly huge and universal and global – it is everywhere, it is unavoidable, it is inescapable, and yet, it’s not even required by law or anything – they just do it because they are SO STUPID and so brainless and so totally indifferent to human quality of life that they don’t even BOTHER to TRY thinking of any other way of doing things. Billions of people are so stupid and so indifferent to human quality of life that they just blindly and unquestioningly use the Sacred Schedule with no variation and force it on everybody who works for their business.

*IF* you are a low-level employee, like I was at McD, you are free to make a flexible schedule for yourself, free to go out and get a second job (because GOD FORBID you should ever be allowed to work even a single minute of overtime, no matter what the circumstances – EVER!), free to do things like what I did, where I worked only three days a week and had four days off in a row – I couldn’t always afford to do that, and sometimes had to work four days, or whatever, depending on whether I was renting an apartment or camping in my tent.

But if you are a low-level employee, you are underpaid. You will be making minimum wage, or just barely above that. You may have flexibility in your scheduling, but the price you paid is, to make minimum hourly wage.

*IF* you should decide to ‘Climb The Corporate Ladder,’ the first and foremost sacrifice that you must make is: destroy your quality of life. If you climb the corporate ladder AT ALL, you are immediately required to sacrifice any control over your own schedule whatsoever. You cannot become a manager, and yet simultaneously work only three days a week, on the particular days you chose, and get paid a *HIGH* hourly wage, so that it’s enough and you don’t need to get a second job to be able to afford to live. The very first and foremost thing that you must sacrifice instantly if you climb the corporate ladder at all is any control over your schedule whatsoever. The first thing you are required to do is bend over and shout, ‘YES! ASS-RAPE ME! I LOVE IT! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO ME!’

If you decide to climb the corporate ladder, to receive higher pay, anything higher than minimum wage, it is PART OF THE AGREEMENT, part of the contract, that WHAT YOU ARE BEING PAID TO DO IS SACRIFICE YOUR QUALITY OF LIFE. It is explicitly in the contract that, if you receive this higher pay, you must give up all scheduling of your own life, and let the corporations schedule you however they see fit, which will always be some ungodly huge number of hours every day of the week. That is what you are being paid to do.

Even if you are given a ‘moderate’ or ‘normal’ schedule, it will invariably be the Sacred Schedule of Monday through Friday, 8am to 5pm. But there are worse schedules you could be given, such as, at any random hour of the day and night whenever the corporation wants you there, for as many hours as they want you there, whether you are sick or healthy.

It is an open secret that all of them are taking strong, illegal stimulant drugs. Openly and explicitly taking strong illegal drugs is just part of the normal way of life. There is no other way that a human being can work that kind of schedule without taking strong, dangerous, toxic, illegal stimulant drugs. Or lots and lots of painkillers of all kinds. Life is unbearable, and they all know it is, and it’s openly allowed for everyone to use any drugs of any kind to do whatever it takes to show up for work according to the Sacred Schedule, which can be more or less extreme depending on the job. But the schedule comes first before any other consideration. Nothing matters but the schedule.

The stupidity of this, the insanity of this, is, no one considers any alternative way of designing a schedule. I can think of a few very simple and basic examples that give you an idea what else could be done. There are jobs where it doesn’t matter who you are. It doesn’t matter that you are you. It doesn’t matter that you are a unique individual. Somebody else could replace you in that position as long as they had the same skills. So, you should be able to work, say, two days a week only, and let your understudy-substitute work the remaining three days of the week for you, with no problem, because you two are interchangeable. Do they allow that? Do they EVEN CONSIDER such an arrangement? *NO!* Monday-through-Friday-8am-to-5pm-for-YOU!

There are many situations where it doesn’t matter if everybody is in the office at the same time, it doesn’t matter if they are all cooperating together at once versus going separate ways and working separately and bringing the results together later on – NO!
MONDAY-THROUGH-FRIDAY-8AM-TO-5PM-FOR-YOU! You can ask them, you can beg them, you can reason with them, you can explain to them all the reasons why your task doesn’t need to be done from 8am to 5pm Monday through Friday at the same time everybody else is there, you can explain that this ‘mechanical part’ representing your task does not have to mesh together with all the other ‘mechanical parts’ that the other people in the office are doing – NO! Sacred Schedule must be obeyed! It doesn’t matter if this task can be done during the night, it doesn’t matter if this task has no time limit and doesn’t have to be done today, it doesn’t matter if you can do it at home on your own computer and bring it in to work tomorrow or a week from now because it makes no difference – NO! MONDAY-THROUGH-FRIDAY-8AM-TO-5PM-FOR-YOU! This brainless insanity, this universal blindness, this
unquestionable sacred norm, is being repeated over and over and over again, millions upon millions of times, all over the planet, destroying quality of life for billions of people.

I already know what some people are thinking – that, in the computer age, more people are working from home, more people are working remotely, etc. That’s true, it’s being done. I know that this is a trend. However, this only applies to high-tech computer programmers and other high paying specialized jobs. It does not apply to that gray area of middle managers, people who are trying to ‘climb up’ from the lowest level entry positions that make minimum wage, without going to college and getting a degree in computer science or something, which is where I am – I have been working minimum wage entry level jobs and refusing to climb the corporate ladder AT ALL due to the fact that all of those positions require the bend-over-and-rape-me behavior of allowing the corporation to decide your schedule for you, with no excuses for sickness, no allowance for time off, with an open-secret there-but-not-really-there requirement that you must take any strong illegal stimulant drugs and painkillers necessary to enable you to obey the Sacred Schedule at all costs, without regard to your quality of life.

The free market has chosen the Sacred Schedule. The free market feels no incentive, no urge, no pressure of any kind, no market forces commanding it to do something to improve employee quality of life. There is no profit-related reason to do so. This huge mass, this aggregate, of corporations all following the Sacred Schedule, are not being threatened with losing any profits due to the fact that employees’ quality of life sucks. They can push this schedule to the point where life is barely tolerable, and people will just take more and more drugs, illegal drugs, prescription drugs, antidepressants, painkillers, stimulants, coffee-coffee-coffee-coffee, everything under the sun, to give them more energy and less pain, so that they can show up for work every day and worship the Sacred Schedule.

It is a well known fact that, decades ago, before women started going into the workforce, women used to stay at home and cook dinner for their families. It is also a well known fact that this has stopped happening ever since both men and women started working without anybody staying at home to cook. Now, nobody cooks. They cook garbage. They buy fast food. They buy frozen precooked meals. Everyone always says that they are too tired to cook when they come home from work every day – this is such a commonplace thing to say that it, too, can be taken as a well known fact: people in general are all working all day long, and NOBODY has the time or energy left over to prepare a nice homecooked meal. Everybody says this!

Two roots of evil are at work here: the banking system causing constant inflation, and, land ownership requiring people to ‘pay the bills’ to be allowed to stay on their land. You must either pay the mortgage, pay the rent, or pay the taxes to the government even after your house is paid off, which amounts to the same thing as rent in essence.

The banking system is NOT a ‘market force.’ I also believe that land ownership is not a ‘free market’ phenomenon. However, neither of those things caused the market to choose to worship the ‘Sacred Schedule.’ The Sacred Schedule was created during the Industrial Revolution, because in a factory, all the parts had to work together at the same time. However, even then it was not necessary for a PARTICULAR PERSON to have to show up on all those days. You still could have had your substitute or understudy show up and stand in your place. They arranged it so that you were paid by the hour, and paid so little that life was ‘barely tolerable, but not bad enough to cause instant death.’ You then HAD TO come in and work as many hours as possible, to get paid by the hour, a very small amount, so that you could just barely survive. They keep them just above death, paying them by the hour, making it so that they beg to come in and work the Sacred Schedule 40 hours a week just to barely get enough hours to barely make enough money to barely pay the rent and barely buy food, to keep them barely above death.

People who argue in favor of higher wages never really do enough. They make them just a little bit higher, but never enough that you could survive by working, say, only two days a week (which is an arbitrary minimum, which could be set either higher or lower). You might ask the question: But then, are you saying that a corporation’s job is merely to feed its employees, and not to make any profit? After all, why couldn’t they just work ZERO days a week and get paid enough to live?

Well, that IS a question, isn’t it? What exactly are their values, their priorities, their goals? Again, it is explicitly in the definition of the free market, and market forces, that they exist for the profit of the business owner, and not for any other reason – all other reasons, all other values, all other goals, are secondary. This is explicitly part of the definition of profit.

Back to Ayn Rand – I have said many times that Ayn Rand would be rolling over in her grave if she heard all the things I’ve been saying nowadays – she claims that the profit motive is sufficient to improve quality of life, that big wealthy businesses improve quality of life, that they make life better for all of us.

I can think of some examples: Dams! Big hydroelectric dams! They provide lots of electricity, improving the quality of life for millions of people, while simultaneously destroying entire fish populations and destroying the lives of all the primitive tribes who depend on those fish for food! The fish are suddenly all gone, and the people have to all move off the land (good riddance, right?) and go somewhere else because there are no fish spawning in the river anymore, and no naturally occurring floods to fertilize the soil that they were farming on – who cares! We’ll just pour a bunch of chemical fertilizers made in factories onto the soil instead! But big hydroelectric dams are the very thing that Ayn Rand would have loved, the very sort of thing where ‘market forces’ have built some big huge thing that supposedly makes life better for everyone, and doing it for the profit motive, getting hugely rich by building this dam and making electricity. Who cares, those primitive people should GET A JOB like everyone else, stop fishing in the river, stop farming their own crops – their farming methods are ‘inefficient’ and ‘primitive’ anyway, not something to be proud of! They need to just get a job, and then they can buy a house and have electricity so they can watch television like normal people do – then their lives will be much happier! We’re doing them a FAVOR by killing all the fish and forcing those people off their land!

There are libertarians out there who do acknowledge that ‘ownership’ of something like a RIVER is a tricky thing to define, legally. I’m going so far as to say that land ownership, too, even though the block of land stays in one place and doesn’t move like a river and isn’t being shared all the way down its length like a river, even so I claim that land ownership is wrong too. But yes, river ownership even more so! Even libertarians acknowledge that river ownership is a thorny concept and hard to make laws about. So, I just jabbed them directly in one of their weak areas. I remember back when I was a libertarian, I felt a weakness in that area, a feeling of uncertainty and insecurity, because nobody had a really good answer for the question of ‘who owns the river?’ and ‘who owns the air?’ I knew if anybody ever asked me that question, as a libertarian, I wouldn’t be able to answer it and I would have to ignore it or redirect the discussion to some other topic, perhaps by saying that this issue wasn’t essential.

I’m saying that things like river ownership are not merely a small, esoteric, unimportant side issue, they are THE CENTRAL ISSUE, the heart of it all, the most important thing to talk about. When I was a libertarian I always viewed that tricky little ‘river ownership’ issue as some esoteric, complicated thing that only lawyers had to worry about, because it was too complicated for me and I didn’t want to waste time worrying about all the little details. That was how it was framed in my mind. That was the way of seeing things. Some tricky, complicated, nuisance, esoteric issue where some lawyer somewhere had to dig through piles of books to find a messy solution that satisfied nobody. I’m saying now, this isn’t just some esoteric thing that lawyers have to think about, but instead, it’s the very core and essence of it all, the center of everything, the biggest thing that all of us, everywhere, every day, have to worry about because it concerns US. That river is MINE and I WANT IT BACK!

And the river is a metaphor for other shared resources, like radio waves – a tricky and esoteric nuisance topic for sure!

When I was a libertarian, reading libertarian web pages, I was trained to believe that the profit motive would LEAD TO better quality of life, just as a happy side effect. There were arguments and rationales for how exactly this would happen. It was described as being in the nature of profit to create better quality of life as an effect, something inevitable and irresistible, and anything getting in the way of that improvement in quality of life was a non-market force, something opposing the free market. If something was failing to create better quality of life, it had to be a non-market force acting against the free market. Free market forces would always create better quality of life somehow if left to their own devices.

One of the hallmarks of a primitive stone age society is, they do not live by a schedule! They do recognize the passage of time. They observe the sun, moon, stars, planets, seasons, migrations of animals, and plant growth cycles. By that schedule, they know they have to get something done ‘before nightfall, when the tigers roam the woods,’ or ‘before winter, or we will starve to death.’ They do not count the time in terms of, ‘OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG! I GOTTA BE THERE BY 8AM OR I’M GONNA GET FIRED!’ Primitive tribes who are being forcibly absorbed by larger modern tribes always have problems learning to obey the schedules – they are always known for showing up late, not showing up at all, and so on, for appointments or for work.

One might argue that we haven’t had a real free market ever since the banking system was created, ever since we started getting paper money instead of coins. There are some grains of truth in that; however, most libertarians writing on the internet today talk about the free market as though it still exists and as though free market forces are still at work. I am claiming something even farther back, even before the banking system – I am claiming that anything that involves chopping the land into little squares and paying for it, anything that comes down to that at the root, is no longer free. If you have a job because it’s necessary to pay the rent, you’re not free. If you have a job because it’s necessary to pay the taxes on your land, and so on, then you’re not free. Every farmer who has to ‘sell the surplus’ is a slave, because there is no reason to make a surplus and sell it unless you need money for something. You only need money to pay for the land. If you were not paying for the land, you would be a primitive subsistence farmer who made a *SMALL* surplus and either kept it for yourself or sold it locally to a few people.

Suppose you tried to be a subsistence farmer nowadays, and you sold only the minimum surplus necessary to pay the taxes and whatever other fees on the land that you ‘own.’ But sadly, you do not exist in isolation. There is an ‘arms race’ going on all around you. The entire world is making as much profit as it can, so it can buy more and more land, destroying all the land around you, so that your tiny little farm is surrounded by a city of streets and roads and asphalt and fences. In a real primitive subsistence society, you would be surrounded by wilderness without fences, where the herds of buffalo roam, and you can hunt buffalo in addition to farming on your little small subsistence plot. You could fish in the stream. Now, if you want to have subsistence buffalo hunting, you have to trap the buffalo on your tiny square of land in a fence, and you have to farm the fish in whatever tiny creek goes across your land if you’re lucky enough to have a tiny creek.

You are trapped in your tiny bubble, and you are not surrounded by the kind of world that ought to be surrounding you, where herds of wild grazing animals roam freely. Instead, you are surrounded by a city of asphalt, or you are surrounded by fenced in squares full of nothing but corn, because corn is subsidized by the government (yes, that’s a non-market force at work!). Note: I complain about herds not being able to graze freely over large areas, because that matters. Animals forcibly kept in one tiny little square of land are not eating the most nourishing plants, they nibble the grass all the way down to the soil, they eat their own feces and get more parasites, and they can’t choose among a wide variety of different environments to live and eat from, and the micronutrients in their body will be limited – you have to eat off a wide variety of different soil locations to get the microminerals that aren’t all in one location geographically. (Micronutrients – things like chromium, magnesium, etc that our bodies need in small amounts – these minerals vary from place to place. Animals need to roam over wide areas so they can get more

I’m going to stop complaining and just post this – I need to get up and do something. Basically, I am unemployed again and have to find a job. I didn’t get to finish explaining the ‘sacred schedule’ concept, or how and why the free market doesn’t care about improving this particular aspect of an employee’s quality of life. It comes to the root question: is it a company’s duty to simply feed its employees? The answer is yes, and they already do that, but instead of doing it for the low-level commoners like me, they do it for the worthless high level executives who get paid millions of dollars to do nothing useful at all, but to make horrible decisions that are actually ruinous to the company and ruinous to everyone – like, for example, the executives who got paid millions of dollars to decide to destroy the old McDonald’s and replace it with a new store THAT EVERYONE HATES! The free market DOES NOT LIKE the new McDonald’s! The free market HATES it!

It’s not just me, it’s hundreds of customers who hate our new store, and the decision was made by those high-paid executives who are, in reality, nothing but expensive, fancy PETS owned and fed by the corporation, pets who can think and talk, pets who want to feel that they are important and useful, arrogant pets who have a big ego and want to tell themselves and the world that they are big, important decision makers doing essential things for the company, but in reality, all they do is harm and waste, and the companies would be better off without them, but they give them a ‘job’ to do to make them feel important, and then they pay them millions of dollars merely to exist. The companies would be better off if all those executives just admitted that they’re not doing anybody any good, and just accepted their salaries to just sit at a desk and do nothing, because doing nothing means doing no harm. The world is ruled by companies designed in this way, because of the sheer overwhelming numbers of retarded people making corporations and running them and designing them. It is the universal way of designing a corporation due to the overwhelming pressure of market forces from stupid people building the type of companies that they want to build. They don’t care about feeding the ‘common man’ and keeping him as a pet. They just want to feed the fancy expensive pet high level executives and tell them that they’re important people who are essential to the corporation.

So yeah, I AM advocating a very communistic-kinda-thingy where, instead of paying those executives millions of dollars, they take that pay and just hand it out to the commoners at the bottom of the pyramid, the people being crushed into the ground. Make those executives get paid the same amount we do. They do nothing but harm. If you must pay them to sit in a room and watch TV so that they stay out of everybody’s way, that’s fine, do that, but admit that you are paying to keep a person as a pet, and that’s all you’re doing, and they’re not necessary for the functioning of the business. If they’re able to be kept as pets, then why can’t all the bottom-level minimum wage slaves be kept as pets, too? Corporations DO exist merely for the purpose of paying somebody to be kept as a pet, it’s just that they want to ‘keep’ or value a particular type of person instead of another type of person, due to the overwhelming masses of human beings being retards. Market forces at work! If you fill the world with enough retards, then market forces will choose to do things that are truly, horrifically stupid, which are NOT conducive to quality of life!

But I should just go ahead and post this rant and decide what to do with my day. I still need to articulate what it is that I am envisioning.

Oh, and the argument of ‘But if we paid the commoners $15 an hour, we’d have to raise prices, which would cause inflation and make it so that those people wouldn’t gain anything by getting a raise in the minimum wage’ is bullshit – and I myself used to use that very argument – but not anymore. I used to say that very same thing myself! That assumes that corporations are SO SQUEEZED that they have NOT A PENNY ANYWHERE TO SPARE, because CUTTING THE SALARIES of the executives is UNTHINKABLE. Unthinkable! Impossible! It cannot be done! It is not an option! We must pay dozens of people a million dollars a year to make insane, stupid decisions that actually are harmful to our company, because that is the way it’s done!

We’ll see what happens with all that ‘price inflation’ crap because you’re so squeezed for every penny, AFTER you cut the
impossible-unthinkable-not-an-option executive salaries down to the same wages as the rest of us. Then we’ll see what happens.

Who am I channeling? I don’t know. I really used to be on the opposite side of this argument!

The forces of the free market and evolution are too weak to improve quality of life

December 17, 2014

1:37 PM 12/17/2014

In recent years, I’ve had more of a ‘dictator’ attitude than a libertarian/anarchist one. I don’t mind having laws, but I want to be the one who makes those laws myself, the one who decides what things are important enough to be writing laws about.

One of the things that I’ve come to understand is that some people, huge numbers of people, are just too insane, too stupid, too delusional, to EVER understand some idea on their own, even if you give them an entire lifetime to do it. The only way to stop them from doing stupid things over and over forever is to make it illegal. Communicating to them and making them understand something does not work. They will not understand. Communication is impossible. Comprehension is impossible. They have different, evil, stupid, misguided values. Even if they understood, they would not care, because their values make them care about other things – for instance, cat owners care about their own convenience. I’m too lazy to find some alternative way to stop my cat from scratching the furniture, and my own laziness and my own convenience is more important than my cat’s quality of life. Who cares? Even if I do understand how horrible it is for my cat, my own convenience comes first. There are those people out there who will never care even if they do understand, because their *values* are misplaced. Their own convenience is always a higher value. They will never voluntarily decide on their own to do something that is inconvenient for them, unless the consequences of breaking the law are so frightening that they will do something inconvenient and difficult.

There is this belief system which could be called ‘market forces’ or ‘evolution.’ People believe that things will get better in society as a result of the forces of evolution and market forces. Market forces work together to make the world a better place.

I have questioned that belief and I no longer believe it is true. Things do not evolve to become better. They evolve merely to continue existing. It doesn’t matter how horrible something is – if it doesn’t cause instant death, then it will continue to exist, no matter how horrible, no matter how intolerable it is. The only thing that ever evolves out of existence is something that causes instant death to everyone. Everything else will always continue forever.

The entire mainstream medical system is the essence of this belief. If a drug doesn’t cause you to instantly drop dead seconds after you take it, then the FDA will make it legal. That’s the reason why you always see warnings about ‘allergic reactions’ such as anaphylactic shock: anaphylactic shock can cause you to suffocate, which causes death within a couple of minutes: INSTANT DEATH. Instant death is the only danger that they recognize as worthy of worrying about, and all other dangers don’t matter. Instant death is the only ‘loophole’ that they provide. Anything that does not cause INSTANT DEATH TO EVERYONE will be allowed freely.

Declawing cats doesn’t cause instant death. Therefore, the ‘free market forces’ and ‘evolution’ and any other forces will never make this practice stop happening. Market forces will never encourage people to stop declawing cats because of some vague reason about how it’s no longer profitable. In fact, it’s VERY profitable to declaw cats. There are no forces that will ever make it unprofitable.

I have to go eat, otherwise I’m going to be late for work. The idea I wanted to get across is the weakness, the helplessness, the
uselessness of ‘market forces’ and ‘evolution’ to get anything done. The only thing that those forces can ever stop is INSTANT DEATH TO EVERYONE. That’s the only thing that they ever evolve to prevent or avoid. Anything else will always be allowed forever, and so, you cannot rely on market forces or evolution to improve quality of life. You must use some other method to improve quality of life besides passively waiting around for ‘the free market to take care of it.’

Turmeric and cumin put me into a violent, angry mood where I am obsessed with punishing people for crimes – specifically, the crime of declawing cats

December 17, 2014

12:21 PM 12/17/2014

I bought both turmeric and cumin the other day to test my reactions to them. I don’t remember exactly what it was that made me do it – oh, that’s right, I remember I saw a link to an article saying that curcumin (one of the substances in both turmeric and cumin) can reduce people’s fearful memories if they had PTSD. I’m not sure if I believe it, or, maybe it doesn’t work in such a straightforward way. I just wanted to test it and see how my body reacted to it.

I bought both of them, so I’m not distinguishing between the effects of them both. I only did this in the last couple days and was just eating a bunch of stuff out of both bottles – on the first day, I added it to a bowl of hot soup from Weis. The next time I tried it, I drank it mixed with water – it doesn’t dissolve in water, and it works much better to put it into soup.

When I ate it with the soup, I got the effect of sleepiness right away. It was a sedative. That didn’t happen very much at all when I only drank it mixed with water. But I didn’t fall asleep. I had also had some caffeine, and that might be the reason, but also, I’ve had experiences with other sedatives before where it made me tired so I wanted to lie down, but I couldn’t fall asleep. So sometimes that just happens to me with things that are sedatives.

These are just ordinary spices on the spice shelf at the grocery store. It’s not even from the ‘herbal medicine’ section of the store. The effects are very mild.

However, I am noticing something else which nobody mentioned as an effect from these spices. I’m noticing that since I started eating them, I’ve become more angry. Now, I am on my period, but it seemed like I was even more angry than I usually am on my period. I was very irritable.

I’m not just angry, I’m actually thinking about punishment or vengeance for crimes, but the particular types of crimes that I’m thinking of are the type of crimes that I myself am socionically aware of: not relationship crimes, but crimes against physical bodies. I don’t think at all about punishing people for, say, infidelity. But I can be very confident in my judgment of people who declaw cats or circumcise babies. You’re able to judge people in areas where your own personality type is strong – you can be much more confident about what is right or wrong in that area.

I am 100% certain that declawing cats is absolutely evil, and that it should be made illegal with zero exceptions – it is never ‘medically necessary.’ That loophole must be covered, because I saw somebody on one page commenting that they declawed their cat because her claws were permanently extended and could not be retracted – apparently, it’s some kind of deformity of the paws. Even something like that should not be allowed as a reason to declaw. The ‘medical necessity’ loophole is SO SMALL that it should not even be acknowledged to exist, and does not require a loophole to be made for it. That loophole will always be way too huge, and people will widen it. There is no need to worry about ‘What if something happens that REQUIRES us to declaw them, but we’re not allowed to because it’s illegal?’ That loophole is so ridiculous, so pointless, and so trivial that it should just be totally ignored. There are no circumstances that require a cat to be declawed for medical necessity. If you want to argue about those types of loopholes, then you also need to think about making loopholes in all of our existing laws already on the books, to allow vigilantes to take revenge against people who have committed crimes against them (‘But what if it’s “medically necessary” for me to shoot my neighbor, because there aren’t any police around anywhere, etc, etc?’). The more loopholes you make, the more people will want to use them for everything and anything.

For whatever reason, either this turmeric or cumin – both of them contain some of the same substances, and I just was eating both at once during these tests, since I just decided spontaneously to buy both of them – is making me more angry and more obsessed with punishing people for crimes and eliminating crimes from the earth, but only those crimes that I myself feel confident about. If I were in an Islamic country, I myself would be getting the death penalty for dozens of relationship crimes that I’ve committed throughout my life – having a relationship with a married man, having sex before marriage, infidelity, and so on.

For whatever reason, the mood that I’m in is making me pay lots of attention to my cat’s front paws. Every time I see them, I think about the fact that they are declawed.

If you read anti-declawing web pages, some of them mention that ‘rear declawing is rare.’ But it happens, and it’s even more horrible and unthinkable, and the rationale for it is even more insane, and the people who do it are even more delusional. Some people say, ‘We didn’t get their rear claws done, because there was no reason to,’ instead of saying ‘We didn’t get their rear claws done, because then they wouldn’t be able to scratch itches at all.’ Cats use their back feet to scratch itches. Cats without back claws cannot scratch any itches at all. Their owners will surely be too dumb to provide them with some kind of scratchy brushing surface that they can rub against when they need to, because the people commenting on these web pages were so completely insane, so completely delusional, so completely unaware of any other living creature’s point of view, so completely absorbed in that universe where other living creatures are merely objects that exist for our amusement, that they could not understand that a cat even needs to scratch an itch, or that it has any physical needs at all, other than to be ‘cute’ and to comfort and entertain its owners – ‘owners,’ as though someone has the right to ‘own’ a cat.

The people commenting on these web pages are completely insane and have no concept of reality whatsoever. For example, one commenter writes, ‘In fact, my cats showed signs of being happier after I declawed them.’ This is insanity and it shows a total absence of understanding of cat behavior and a total inability to discern cause and effect.

During this mood, I have wanted to give the harshest punishments to these people. Perhaps they would get a warning first. There would be lots of public warnings for some time in advance. The public would be flooded with warnings to the effect that severe physical punishments would be given to people who declawed cats. That’s only fair, to warn them first, because it’s true, people can be ignorant. My own parents circumcised their son because of ignorance, because the internet didn’t exist back then, because people did things automatically merely because it was commonly done that way without question. You have to warn them in advance that what they are doing is a horrible, horrible crime, and that it absolutely must under no circumstances ever be done again, but they will be forgiven for having done it in the past during their time of ignorance. But after these warnings, ignorance will no longer be an excuse. The public must be flooded with warnings.

If anyone should be caught ignoring the warnings and declawing cats anyway, then they receive the harshest physical punishments. At first I was wishing for the death penalty, but then considered that instead, they ought to have all their fingers and toes chopped off, they should be locked in a room with biting, itching insects crawling all over them for hours, and locked in a room with hungry wild dogs or wolves chasing them and no means of self-defense.

People who declaw their cats will say that they’ve kept their cats indoors forever to protect them against danger, and so, the punishment for those people shall be the same: to be locked indoors for decades at a time, never allowed outside. Other people will go in and out, but they will kick you out of the way if you try to run out the door. And those people shall be given nothing but horrible food, the same food every day, dry kibbles and a bowl of water. They won’t be allowed to use the toilet, but will have to use a litter box, which gets dirty until their lazy, stupid owners clean it out. They will have to crawl over the dirty used litter with their bandaged hands and toes, with their open wounds, as the urine ammonia and fecal bacteria gets into their wounds and burns them, after having their fingers and toes amputated. We might as well chop off their uteruses and testicles too, because that is so commonly done.

For whatever reason, turmeric and cumin seem to be making me preoccupied with this sort of idea. I’m not usually this overtly violent-minded. I *am* always aware of the absolute evil of declawing, but usually, my mood allows me to think about other things, rather than obsessing about vengeance and punishment to the

Iranian food uses a lot of turmeric, but so does Indian food. I was thinking that maybe countries that are well known for having the death penalty might also be countries where people use a lot of this spice, but I don’t know – India? Is there a lot of violent vengeance and death penalities in India? There are some countries where they use tons and tons of these spices in almost every meal, every day. If it’s affecting me this strongly after only testing it for a couple days, what does it do to those countries as a whole where it is used constantly by everyone everywhere? It has to affect the level of anger and vengeance and punishment and retaliation in those countries.

There are other foods, and other spices, besides just those two, which can cause anger. I only just happened to test those particular ones.

Dessert plate art: I can’t stop myself from drawing weird things

December 14, 2014

10:30 PM 12/14/2014

A long time ago I used to draw a lot of pictures. It was back before the internet. I drew them when I was a toddler. I was hyperactive, but Mom says that if she handed me a pen and paper, I would quietly occupy myself, and stop running around.

I copied the cartoons I saw on television. I drew Wile E. Coyote, the roadrunner, various mice based on cartoon mice, cats based on cartoon cats, Tom and Jerry, Mighty Mouse, those two crows – Heckle and Jekyll?, Scooby Doo, and many others. I picked up the norms of how to draw them. What I mean is, if they drew a white area surrounding the coyote’s muzzle, or something, I drew that too. Or a big white spot down their front. Those are based on some real animal colorations, loosely, but were made into cartoon norms during that time period. Mickey Mouse wore gloves, for some unknown reason, and some other characters did too. Things like that.

I also noticed that there was a show that was drawn differently, called ‘Speed Racer.’ It turns out it was Japanese animation. From that show, I learned to draw very big eyes with a glistening light on the pupil.

When I got older I drew shaded cartoons with pencils. I also learned to love something called Aquarelle. I bought these aquarelle crayons, where you draw first with the crayon, then paint over the strokes with water, leaving something that was a combination of pastel and waterpaint in its texture. I drew many beautiful pictures that way in my late teens and early twenties.

I stopped drawing when I started working at a job, when I had no free time anymore to do anything but work, when I was using so much caffeine that my brain never rested anymore. I also started getting attacked more by the psychotronic weapons over time, which made me unable to use my brain as well as I wanted to.

But I do have that artistic drawing ability in my background. My hands still know how to make skillful wavy motions automatically, without my really having to think about it. My muscles can feel how to do it.

I’ve been doing something at work that I don’t really believe in. I am plating desserts. They showed me that you put this piece of cake onto the plate, and then you draw some kind of little lines around it with this brightly colored sauce, and if you put one dot on top of another and then drag a toothpick through it, it makes sort of a heart shaped thing.

I don’t believe in it because, in reality, I don’t approve of artificial colors and flavors, and the colors look horribly garish and clashing and unnatural to me. The cakes themselves are store bought cakes that we have delivered to us, although the new head cook is a pastry chef and he says we are going to transition over to making our own desserts, along with our own ice cream, and he remembered my complaints about how I don’t like gum in the ice cream, artificial flavors, MSG, etc (I’m a former hyperactive Feingold Diet kid).

But I would need some kind of sauces that were natural, if I were going to keep on doing these dessert plates and really enjoy it (assuming I even stay here, since I don’t know where I will go with Jesse). I looked for natural food colors on the internet, and 1. they’re lame, and 2. some of them are toxic – who on earth uses bentonite clay to make the color tan, for the love of God! Bentonite clay is the reason why there is so much controversy over clumping kitty litter! Cats lick the bentonite clay off their feet when they get out of the litter box, and it clumps inside their digestive systems, causing a blockage – but the natural colors website described bentonite clay as an ‘edible clay.’

3. And also, I just don’t really like the idea of coloring something, anything at all, for no reason that has anything to do with reality, anything to do with the source. If you have white icing, then it should just be white. People add colors to white icing because it’s a paint-like substance and they’ve discovered that it’s capable of being colored and being used like a paint medium, but the icing has no real reason to have a color. However, if you have a sauce that’s really made out of red cherries, then that sauce will be a bright red color from the cherries themselves, because cherries are red (and you haven’t added any artificial red color to it either, and it’s still quite bright). Fruit jellies are going to have bright red colors. Ground up fruit, ground up leaves (like pesto), and other foods are going to be whatever color they are.

This is kind of a silly principle, and if you analyzed it really carefully then you could find logical holes in it. I’m tolerating other things that are unnatural – where do I draw the line?

But the pale, pathetic, pastel colors of the ‘natural food colors’ that I saw were just so undesirable that they seemed pointless. I wouldn’t mind painting with fruit jelly, in some liquid form that was able to be squirted out of a nozzle and drawn into narrow lines. I wouldn’t mind painting with a green pesto of ground-up edible leaves. I wouldn’t mind putting edible flowers onto the food, although I’m cautious about them because some of them are going to be ‘medicinal.’ Edible flowers on cakes are absolutely beautiful. I wouldn’t mind adding weird little exotic fruits, nuts, or seeds, and there is an ENTIRE PLANET full of exotic fruits from other countries. Why just blackberries and blueberries? Why the same old thing, forever and ever, when we have all the other fruits from all around the world, adding interest, color, variety, and adventure?

We have blenders nowadays that can puree something into a pulp without any visible pieces, or dried powders made of herbs and spices, which could be mixed in a medium and used as paint. (I can tolerate the use of a blender, for this purpose! even though it’s unnatural too.)

Well, anyway, so I’m learning to plate the desserts. I was terrified at first, because I kept getting irresistible urges to draw something weird instead of sticking with the simple, basic things they showed me. They showed me how to make a few little dots here and there, or how to make a swirly looking pool of contrasting colors, and so on. But I could not resist *drawing*. I tried, very hard, not to draw anything recognizable – no coyotes or mice – but it happened once, but not on a plate that I served to a customer. I had been begging them, ‘Don’t let me make anything weird!’ and they were chuckling, because apparently I was feeling anxious all by myself, but it didn’t look too horrible to everybody else. It wasn’t that weird. So the one guy came over and showed me that we could also use a butter brush and make a paint stroke on the plate. I’ve seen it in photos online too. It’s just a single brush stroke that he did. I said, ‘You shouldn’t be showing me how to do even MORE things that are going to be weird! I’m trying to keep it simple!’ Again, everyone was just amused by this.

So I started painting with the butter brush, and ended up making a little scene from his original single brush stroke of red color. I made a bunch of strokes emanating out from a central point, and after making that, I noticed it looked sort of like a palm tree, so I made it into a palm tree beside the ocean. I accidentally added a yellow round sun, too, when I squirted yellow paint on there to make it start flowing. So I had this little palm tree with a sun, and everybody noticed that’s what it was. Word is getting around that I am showing artistic tendencies with these dessert plates. I’m making curvy lines, s-shaped thingies, and once, I even tried to do some kind of weird ass shit with some kind of a tree with green leaves, which was hideous. It was just a failure to aesthetically balance the branches of the tree, which was rigid and unnatural. I’m still not familiar with how these paints flow. They have different thicknesses, and some of them are sticky, which causes them to make a string after you leave a drop, so you have to control that and use it. You also have to put the right nozzle on the bottle, because it has to be the right thickness to get the right kind of line.

I googled ‘dessert plating,’ as the chef suggested, and I saw that people do all this crazy stuff with pastries. He told me that the sculptures were made out of something called ‘tallow,’ but I haven’t researched it yet, and he said it isn’t beef fat, it’s something else. There are these competitions to make dessert sculptures.

Some of the waitresses are telling me that people say the dessert plate is pretty; the one waitress/manager lady asked me about whether I had an artistic background, and I said yes, kind of – I had taken a class in cake decorating briefly a few years ago, and I also used to draw when I was a kid.

It was just physically impossible to surrender, to submit, to obey, and to make something simple and ordinary that followed the rules and didn’t do anything weird. I was terrified of being weird, absolutely terrified, but just could not resist the impulse to start drawing weird things. They told me, ‘You can do whatever you want,’ and I was like, ‘No! You have to tell me NOT to do whatever I want!’ Because if I do whatever I want, I am going to spend half an hour making an elaborate painting on their plate, while being paid by the hour. They want their food sooner or later. I have to learn when to quit. On the first day, I was taking too long, but I physically could not force myself to stop taking so long and stop making such elaborate thingies on the plates. I was terrified but helpless to stop. On the second day that I did the desserts, I was a little faster and was able to keep them a little bit simpler, yet still pretty. And I could not keep doing the same image or shape over and over, either – I would instead try to do a new thing every time, randomly. But because I didn’t understand the texture of these sauces, I couldn’t really draw as easily as I imagined I could, so some of them failed. And it was hard to do things in a hurry. I ended up making lots of s-shaped swirlies with dots on them, as a routine. I’m getting good at making s’s that don’t take too long or get too complicated or too risky.

I can’t explain how it is for me to be physically unable to just do what I’ve been shown and nothing but that. I HAVE TO do something weird, just like I have to breathe. It is physically impossible, physically painful, for me to hold a bottle in my hand that can draw lines, and not use it to make something weird. And they told me explicitly, ‘Do whatever you want!’ That is the worst possible thing you can tell me! Because if you tell me to do whatever I want, I will! And then everyone will regret it!

I’m going to be working a ridiculous number of hours, because I told the head chef I wanted overtime. All my free time has been
sacrificed. I’m not going to be eating, sleeping, or doing anything else but getting up and going to work every day. We’re busy because it’s graduation and it’s also holiday season. He said he will hire some more dishwashers.

And I am thinking consciously about ways that I can go with Jesse wherever he goes. What do I need to accomplish that goal – do I need a rental car, a driver’s license renewal, auto insurance? I can get those things.

I’ve had one day off. I’m going in tomorrow. This job is both a good thing, and a horrible thing. I hate working too much, I hate working at all, and now, I’m probably going to get hired permanently, only to quit my job or take a leave of absence immediately afterwards because I’m going with Jesse. I don’t know where Jesse goes after boot camp is done – does he come home and sit for a while, or does he get stationed right away? I know nothing about the military process.

I am aware that I can get another job at a hotel restaurant elsewhere, an expensive fancy hotel. I just don’t want to screw the Carnegie people by getting hired and then immediately quitting and moving away right after they hire me.

Again… I do not know my future. My short term future is an impossibly insane work schedule this week, where I will have severe burnout, but I will actually be paid real overtime, time and a half. I don’t usually get paid overtime because I’m always working two jobs, since nobody ever gave me overtime before. (I could have worked overtime at TB, but I really didn’t want to spend more time there.) I will do this, but I am barely surviving as it is.

There will be a hair in the food inevitably, because all my clothes are covered with cat hair and my own hair – I have no time or energy to clean or do the laundry, due to chronic fatigue, and I can’t get cat beds, so the cats sleep on my piles of clothes – my house is filthy and disgusting in every way imaginable, and I’m wearing those clothes to work and using a lint roller.

I swore that I would never again buy a Libman brand lint roller, but I did, because it was the only one Weis had – there’s another kind at the pet brushes section, but it was all gone, and I needed one NOW. The Libman lint rollers have tape that pulls off diagonally, and you can’t find the place to start ripping it because all the tape is printed with the word ‘Libman,’ so you can’t see anything. If you do manage to find it, you are likely to peel off two or three layers at a time instead of just one, or rip off only part of the layer and leave the rest of it still covered in lint. And it doesn’t stick very strongly. I only got it because I absolutely had to – both my lint rollers are almost empty.

I’m frantically lint rolling myself every day, but I am so, so, so careful, and I know there will be a hair. I try SO HARD to watch what I’m doing and not let any hairs fall off my clothing. Even after using the lint rollers, I will STILL discover that a piece of hair is attached to my clothing later on, and I will be horrified knowing that it’s been there for hours and could have fallen into anything.

I can’t clean anything or set up a better way to store my laundry and a better bed for the cats to sleep on, because they HAVE to sleep on something, or the cold hard floor, and they can’t always be on my bed when I’m tossing and turning. They sleep in the cardboard boxes, but those aren’t always enough, and that’s cruel. I wanted to make beds for them, but couldn’t, due to all the disasters of the past few months and my lack of money. I just don’t have the time and energy, when I still have severe chronic fatigue and can’t do a decon. And I don’t have the money yet, although after this insane work week, I’ll have the money, but not the time.

I can’t even go shopping to buy new clothes, so I’m wearing just the same couple of t-shirts to work. Again: severe chronic fatigue! I can’t do the simplest things that other people take for granted! And I don’t have a car. I have to go to goodwill, which is fine, but even that requires an errand, even though I’m right next to it and could just walk across my backyard to it if I wanted to go through the little wooded area and down the little cliff. It’s just a really steep little dropoff, covered in stickers and weeds that put burrs all over me.

Tomorrow, for example, I have to be at work at noon. Do you know how hard it is for me to even get up to go to a job at noon? It’s very hard, and I have to catch a bus, which means I have to get up even earlier to be on time for the bus, and I don’t know what time yet that I’ll have to go. I won’t get breakfast, unless I somehow miraculously go shopping for food RIGHT NOW, but I lost this entire day due to resting and recovering from work, and also, due to starting my period and being sick and cramping for several hours because of it. There won’t be any breakfast tomorrow at this rate, and I’ll go to work starving, and drink cups of coffee one after another. I’ll work frantically all day long doing whatever they tell me, and I don’t know exactly what that will be, because I’m also doing prep work, not just dishwashing.

They surprised me and had me bake chocolate chip cookies. They got the recipe off the net. I haven’t made cookies in decades. I might have helped a little bit to make some when I visited Mom recently, but I didn’t do much. I just remembered that usually, you make a ball and put it on the tray and it flattens all by itself. That was what I remembered. I could be wrong. But I made this recipe, after much struggle, after finding the ingredients and the tools, and I made balls and put them on the tray.

They did not flatten. They remained ball-shaped, just flat enough on the bottom to not roll. The chefs jokingly called them macaroons. I figured out that I had to flatten them manually before cooking them, because they did not just melt down by themselves, but by then, it was too late and I had all these weird looking cookie-like objects.

Eventually I salvaged them and put them into a container at the waitress’s area. They started taking them out to customers, and soon, the cookies were all gone. Even though they were weird, people were eating them and people liked them. Everything I do is weird, but apparently not everyone can see it.

I don’t know the future. I can only try to make it through this week, without washing anything or eating anything. It will be one long week of filthy clothing and starvation, with cups of coffee, and with me not even able to take a shower before work because I can’t get up early enough.

I’m grateful for the money, I’m grateful for the overtime, I’m grateful that they’re allowing me to do prep cooking instead of just dishwashing, I’m grateful that people are looking at my slightly artsy dessert plates and my weird macaroon cookies and liking them. This is extremely stressful, but I can tell that it leads someplace better, I just need more control. I need control.

What is my future? Will I go to Georgia (USA)?

December 13, 2014

1:03 PM 12/13/2014

I’m not sure what I will end up doing in reality. Jesse just went through MEPS, and I don’t remember exactly what it stands for, but it’s some part of the military entrance process. I think that’s almost what the acronym is – googling – station is the last word. Military entrance processing station.

He passed the physical tests and whatever other stuff they had to do to him, so he is officially in. Because of the insanity of the Denialville universe that I live in, I am actually kind of happy about this, because Jesse himself is happy about it, and anything that makes Jesse happy kind of makes me happy too. I just want to keep him alive and out of despair, and, perversely, the military is doing that for him, by giving him hope, even if it is a false and deceitful hope that leads to death and disability.

Even if he doesn’t go into combat, he will probably still have to get a lot of vaccinations, and vaccinations, all by themselves, cause many chronic illnesses, seizure disorders, chronic fatigue, neurological disorders, and so on. Getting a whole bunch of vaccinations is just as harmful for members of the military as it is for civilians, and I already oppose vaccinations for civilians.

In Denialville, I can fantasize, along with Jesse, that the military is just a really cool lifestyle where you learn a lot of skills and improve your job options for the future, and you get to travel a lot. There are grains of truth in that.

So he is going to boot camp on January 19th, which is barely any time from now.

And he actually said he wanted me to come along with him to Georgia, where he will be staying for the next few months, maybe 15 weeks, he said. I am always surprised when Jesse shows that he wants me to be with him and stay with him. It surprises me again and again, every time.

I’m not sure if I will be able to rouse up whatever I need to do and to gather and to save in order to suddenly move out of here in the middle of January, without a car and without any money saved. It will be complicated to move somewhere without a car, and I’d also prefer to take my cats instead of giving them away to somebody else. My poor cats. I hate the way cats are treated. But that’s a big rant for some other day.

I hate it the most that the girl declawed and ‘deballed’ Jacob. I think of it every time I see him trying to scratch his claws by grabbing the edges of flattened cardboard boxes on the floor, I think of it when he argues with the other cats and has no choice but to *bite* them because he has no claws, I think of it when he takes a swat at another cat with his soft useless little fingerless paws, I think of it when I see him running fast and it looks like he’s limping on his front paws because of their unnatural shape that can’t hold as much weight, I think of it every time I see how fat he is because of being neutered, and it’s a double curse, because he’s fat, and has amputated front toes, which have to bear all that heavy weight.

I asked Mary Jo about it, and she said yes, she thought it was indeed done by Tabitha, the girl who gave them to me – she had it done to Jacob, but then decided not to do it to Max. It was like she learned from experience how horrible it was. She also had a Boxer dog cooped up in this very bedroom, and gave it away, because, derp de derr, it was a cute widdlepuppy, but, uh-oh, it grew up to be a big noisy dog that barked, ran around, and ripped things and broke things because it was locked in a room by itself all day. Surprise surprise!

But how come I was never that stupid? I had four stray cats several years ago – my then-boyfriend was taking care of them, but they were sort of mine as well. I was the one who brought them in. There was a male who was neutered who had actually belonged to a neighbor, but she was neglecting him, so we took him. There was another little black stray male, and a stray female who was – what’s the word for ‘spotted with many colors?’ Oh, calico – she was a calico. There was another stray male with a classic tabby pattern.

I didn’t do a damn thing to any of them. I didn’t get them
vaccinated, I didn’t de-ball them or amputate their uteruses, I didn’t declaw them. I just let them be, and they were fine and wonderful. I was just never stupid enough to do those things to them in the first place. I didn’t even have to do it once and then regret it.

So… Jesse is really serious – he wanted me to come along with him to Georgia, even if it is only for a few months. And part of me would really like to go. I’ve hated State College, but got stuck here because of the disasters of my life. Out of all the places I’ve lived in my life, I think I’ve lived here the longest, yet hated this place the most. I was born in Philadelphia, we lived in Haddonfield NJ when I was an infant, we moved to Greensburg PA until I was about 8 (so I might have lived there about 7 years at most), and then we moved to West Virginia, where I lived from age 8 to the year when I dropped out of college – 1983 to 1997 maybe. I lived in Shepherdstown during college, but still went home. So that was about 14 years living there in WV. I didn’t hate living in WV. It wasn’t perfect, but I loved a lot of things about it, and also, back then, I was not being electronically tortured 24/7, so I was much happier in general. I’ve been here in State College since 1997, and this is 2014 – 17 years of hating this place and staying here for no reason other than just because this is where I happened to ‘land’ when I got thrown out of my parents’ house and stayed with my brother.

I do not know where Jesse will go after he gets out of boot camp in Georgia. I don’t know if he has to come back here, or has to go somewhere else. It could be good for me to get out of town and change my life, even though I won’t make progress financially. Just changing the scenery can fix a lot of problems, for me. It gives me hope, it gives me strength, it makes me feel flexible and makes me feel like I am able to cope with anything. I have a nomadic spirit in me that has never been satisfied. I love to travel and see new places. I love to see the new types of plants, the new color of the soil, the new types of hills and mountains, the new rivers, the new animals, the new people. Every little thing is different, even if you only go a few hundred miles in any direction. The only thing that doesn’t change is the soul-murdering matrix surrounding my body and destroying me, which is unavoidable and universal. Some aspects of the attacks change when I travel, but it does not completely stop happening. When I travel, I learn which differences matter. I learn that it’s possible to do this or that thing differently, and maybe I like one way better than the other way, but never knew it was an option before. I could benefit from this.

However, the logistics of getting myself down there, finding a place to live (even if I camp), bringing my stuff down, and then moving again when Jesse finishes boot camp – I’m not sure I can do that *quickly* enough. I can do it, I just might not be able to do it all at once in a hurry by waving my magic wand.

So I will have to think about this.

But, as I said, I am always honored and shocked and surprised when Jesse is serious about taking me with him. I’m always assuming that sooner or later he is just going to not care anymore. But he has a difficult life too. He has a lot of problems. It’s not easy for him to make friends and keep them. He’s dated a few other people, but the relationships were unstable and ended quickly. I have stayed with him the longest, by my understanding (although I don’t know any details for sure).

I have to think about all this, but I will probably postpone it until right around the time when he’s leaving, which will break my denial and make me realize, ‘Hey! Jesse is going to be gone for months and months! You’d better do something!’ I don’t know what I will do for real. I’ve never done anything like this before.

Denialville: nobody ever dies in the military, nobody ever gets chronic illnesses and injuries that ruin their life, nobody ever commits murder and then regrets it, nobody ever takes psychiatric drugs to cope with war and then commits suicide or goes crazy – those things don’t exist. The military is all just a big adventure and a great job.

I did try to tell him, in the beginning, about all those dangers of the military, but he feels that this is the only option for his life, because he can’t keep a job. I’d prefer to look for other options, but I’m too busy struggling with my own life, and he doesn’t want me controlling him, he wants to do whatever he wants to do.

He’s inviting me to come along with him, and I could, and it would not be easy. It can give me an excuse to leave this town that I’ve always hated anyway, although, surely it is inevitable that after I leave I’ll be saying, ‘I miss State College with its low crime rate, I miss State College with its mix of educated people, etc….’

I do not know my future.

Gallic Cultural Imperialism: If I learn all these fancy French jargon words, I could get paid more money to be a cook

December 12, 2014

1:44 PM 12/12/2014

This is an example of me never having anything nice to say about anything. No matter what situation I’m in, I’m going to complain about how it isn’t exactly the way I want it to be. It’s so close, yet still not quite close enough.

I’m working at Carnegie. I’m still a dishwasher, but I’ve been bugging them about how I want to learn to cook. They make things like stocks, which I’ve read about in Weston Price. I should be happy about that, and I am.

However, there was something else disturbing me, which has always disturbed me, and which has always made me hesitate to learn how to cook fancy cuisine. I just didn’t have the words to describe it until I read something on a web page, which summed it up perfectly. ‘Gallic Cultural Imperialism.’

Our ‘fancy’ cooking is French cooking. All the words for the fancy types of sauces and fancy methods and fancy this and that are all French words. If it’s high class, then you must find some French word for it.

I was reading about the Michelin Guide to fancy restaurants, and Wikipedia mentioned that people were complaining that it had Gallic cultural imperialism, that French-style cooking was always best, and nothing else existed.

I am interested in the best practices of cooking in all different cultures, particularly primitive cultures, and stone age cultures. Many of them do make bone broths and other stocks, and Weston Price talks about that, but that’s not the only thing that exists. They don’t all use white flour, etc – and I don’t have time to go into detail because I’m frantically getting ready for work, eating, shopping, getting ready for a shower, and praying they don’t call me to come in early like they did yesterday because someone called off due to snow and ice.

I just don’t want to learn these intricate, specific, unnecessary, fancy things, where we do them this way merely because we do them this way. If it serves a purpose, and if that purpose is nutrition, then I want to learn. But if it is merely done that way because that way of doing things has evolved so that people expect this specific sauce to taste this specific way and for no other reason, then I don’t care.

That is why I’m interested in the general ideas of Weston Price, but wasn’t interested in learning how to follow a specific recipe to prepare a specific type of sauce with exactly this specific texture and flavor, which takes hours or days of preparation, for no other reason than because somebody expects it to be that way, because that is how it’s being done and that’s what’s expected.

I think that might possibly be +Si in socionics, evolving sensus, but I’m not sure. Maybe not. I could be wrong, and it might even be +Se, evolving factor. But the goal is to ‘impress’ people, not to nourish their health and thereby enable them to achieve their highest potential. And with that goal there must also be the goal of simplicity, where we do the minimum necessary to achieve that goal of health, while using our spare time for other activities.

For instance, I was reading about skimming the ‘impurities’ off of bone broth to make the broth clear, not cloudy. Many months ago I read a discussion of what those ‘impurities’ were and what happened if you just boiled the broth and let them mix in. They said the ‘impurities’ were really nothing evil, and the Chinese make broth by letting that stuff mix in to produce a cloudy soup broth, which is just fine with them. It’s only because we are striving to achive this ‘clear’ broth, just because we expect it that way, and for no other reason.

And yet, I should be happy and not be complaining, because all the chefs who I am talking to are open to the idea of me learning to be a prep cook for starters, just someone who gets things ready for them first, and I might be paid more if I do that. I don’t know if any of these promises will really come true – one guy, the new head chef, said that I could ask to be paid an amount where I don’t need to work a second job, and don’t need to work more than 40 hours. That is laughable, because I know they will never pay that much money to a dishwasher. I had explained to him that I always have to have a second job and I wouldn’t mind being paid minimum wage if only they would let me work overtime, which is the same as getting a raise.

Another thing I should be happy about is that the new head chef is also a pastry chef, and he’s going to bring his own ice cream maker and make ice cream without gum. Our menu, or some piece of paper somewhere, had claimed that we had ‘in house ice cream’ or ‘house made ice cream’ or something, which we don’t right now, but he says we will again. I complained about the gummy ice cream to him and he understood.

This is the black guy who didn’t show up on the first day – he’s turning out to be not that bad. For me, ‘Typism’ is far more influential in my life than racism. I try to figure out what personality type someone is, and that affects my relationship with them much more than their race usually does, and he seems to be an LSE/ESTJ. He’s annoying me by telling us to do too many things and change too many things all at once, by being ‘too active’ and ‘too aggressive’ in getting things done. I have had to detail clean and organize a few things. If there is anything that rips my soul out of my body faster than detail cleaning, it might, perhaps, be Michael Jackson music.

If he brings in a radio and forces us to listen to the radio constantly…. I can’t even finish that sentence. I’ll just endure it like I always do, silently waiting for the day when I open my own business and make it universally illegal within my entire business globally for any of our stores or restaurants to ever have a radio playing in any location in any store for any length of time, period. That is all I can do. I cannot stop people from being brain-dead fools and morons.

So, I should be happy, but I’m sick and I have PMS. My period is due today, because I’m keeping track of it now. It’s been 28 days. My period was often a couple days ‘late,’ meaning I have a slightly longer cycle, back in the old days when I used to keep track of it.

Anyway I was just complaining about the ‘Gallic Cultural Imperialism,’ meaning, ‘It’s French, therefore it’s high-class.’ I never liked that, but never had the words to describe it until now. I just always had this feeling, ‘Why French? Why are all the words in French? Why can’t we just say those same words in English?’ Only the in-crowd knows what those French words mean. Even if they mean something simple and mundane, you have to say them in French. If you say the translation in English, it dumbs it down and it’s no longer high class and no longer secret. You have to use the French jargon in high class circles to fit in and be respected.

It also limits us to using a particular group of familiar foods, instead of exploring all the foods on the entire planet, and foraging for weeds and insects and other edible wild foods. Nope, mirepoix must always be carrots, celery, and onions. Nothing else exists! There’s no such thing as sunflower roots (Jerusalem/Girasole Artichokes), or groundnuts, or other roots eaten by the Native Americans. There’s no such thing as nixtamalized corn! Edible insects are unthinkable, although there is a foreign cheese that contains live maggots, which I was just reading about.

I am capable of learning these things, but I want to always remember that this is not the center of the universe, and the purpose it serves is not my purpose. I still want to learn about the stone age tools and techniques of all primitive cultures, and choose the best practices from them (because I will still reject any self-injury, for instance, like the primitive practice of circumcision or subincision and other tribal activities – I don’t just accept everything merely because it is primitive, because primitive people did stupid, evil things too).

I’m learning these words, learning the names of these sauces, learning that ‘a little bag of herbs in the stock’ is called ‘Bouquet Garni,’ and so on. If I learn these things, I can make a lot of money as a chef. If I hang out with rich people and serve food to rich people, I can get richer too. But I want to never forget the real reasons, for me: nutrition, maximizing the potential of a human body without drugs, preventing deformities, self-reliant economies that collect local foods and prepare them with local tools that don’t have to be purchased with money, and all my other goals.

I’m running out of time and must take a shower.

I got my first paycheck today. It was direct deposited instantly, the first week, without any trouble. I entered my hours into the computer this recent Sunday, and a couple days later, it’s been entered into my bank account. No phone calls to the McD payroll department, no special permission slip with bank letterhead, no insanity!

Maybe I will be happier if I really see that people are willing and able to train me to start prep cooking and to climb up from my lowly position as dishwasher. Maybe if I show my aptitude at memorizing fancy French jargon, they will all be impressed! I always ask them how to spell the words and then I say I’ll do a google search for them, and I always do. But in my heart, I can’t wait to go hunting for lamb’s quarters, mulberries, wild blackberries, and books about other local plants in Pennsylvania, or websites about Inuit people dipping their raw fish into seal oil, and wearing fur clothes they sewed by hand. I cannot ever forget those things. They were born in me. I always wanted to know.

giant caffeinated blog post: Jesse got into the army; I enjoy making video games; having some negative experiences with a particular ethnic group and then reading about other people’s experiences on the internet; and so on

December 9, 2014

No time to fix the typos today. I haven’t checked this yet, and I have to go to work.

12:06 PM 12/9/2014

Nothing is really happening at the moment, but I do have to give a few updates.

Jesse and I are talking again – there was no real reason for us not to be, and I still don’t quite know why he wanted to avoid me for several days. I haven’t been to visit him for a few days now, but we’re talking on the phone. I knew we would – it’s just one of those things that I expect to happen with him once in a while, and I might never really get an explanation.

It also seemed to coincide with the moment when I was ovulating, and I knew I was because this time, I was deliberately keeping a record of everything. I kept a record of the dates of my period, and I took an ovulation test several times until I got a positive result. It was weird, and ‘heartening’ (that’s the word that they put into my head), to find out that I really do still ovulate at age 40. I’ve been reading forums and other websites where there are hundreds, or thousands, of women who are struggling to conceive a baby. Some of them are having trouble because they’re approaching menopause, and there is one section of the forum that I’ve been reading where women try to conceive over the age of 40. But there are many other subforums there where people who are younger than 40 are still having trouble conceiving. This must be one of the few areas of my life where I’m luckier than other people, because I never had any unusual problems with menstruation, other than cramping for the first day. There are women out there with periods that last for, like, two weeks, with heavy bleeding and cramping the whole time, that kind of thing – that’s insane. There are all kinds of disorders and things that can go wrong.

So I was very pleased and triumphant (I know why all these
emotion-words are popping into my head – I’ve been reading Harry Potter, and I finally decided to agree with one of the people who gave her a personality type. One of the Myers-Briggs people somewhere on the internet said she was an INFP. Some socionics websites had given her other types, such as ESE (ESFJ) and EII (INFJ), but IEI/INFP makes the most sense to me. It’s all about a storyline, which is her -Ni. She saw the entire storyline of all the books from beginning to end before she even wrote them, and was able to fit things in and give hints several books before the hints were relevant or meaningful, and you can only see those things if you’ve read the books more than once or you are a devoted Harry Potter fan writing fan fiction and reading the Harry Potter wiki web pages. I never learn them in that much detail, but I have read them all many times. The audio books were the best. I don’t have those anymore though. I noticed completely different things when I heard the books being read out loud, and heard sentences that I had always skimmed over accidentally. Anyway, they use a lot of +Fe words in those books, words for the short-term, passing, constantly changing emotions that people feel in every day-to-day situation.)

Anyway, to finish that unfinished sentence above, I was pleased and triumphant to get proof that I really am ovulating, and there is still hope. I’m disappointed by the fact that I will probably be forced to have only one baby, if any at all, as I would have liked to have many children. But by the time I get anything ready, get my life settled at all, get things set up to be ready to provide for a child, it will be very late, and one baby might be all I have left by that time. My life is chaotic, fragile, and unstable, because of my finances and because of my health and because of the mind control attacks.

I have very strict standards for what sort of environment is appropriate for raising a baby in, which is why I can’t just do what everyone else does, get on welfare and send the baby to daycare and then public school – I believe day care is wrong, I believe public school is horrible, I believe constant breastfeeding and baby carrying is necessary and mandatory and not an option – it affects the baby’s ENTIRE LIFE afterwards. So I need an arrangement where I am able to stay home with the baby, which means my husband must provide for me, or else I must have an unconventional job, or work from home, or hunt and gather my own food in the wilderness, or live on my own farm. Something besides going to work and leaving my baby at home. Workplaces do not allow constant baby carrying.

So, Jesse sort of avoided me when I was ovulating, and maybe that was because ‘God’ suggested for him to do so. We had that accident last month and I was at risk of being pregnant at a moment when I wasn’t ready. But he’s talking to me again.

Okay. So he took the real ASVAB yesterday and scored a 40, which is high enough to be allowed in. He has been assigned to infantry. I call that ‘cannon fodder.’ It’s pretty much the worst thing that could possibly happen, which is why I am still in Denialville, not feeling anything and not really believing that anything will happen. Nothing happens until it does happen, and until then, it doesn’t exist. He sees this as a more secure, more respectable job with more learning opportunities than regular jobs, and he has an EXTREMELY hard time forcing himself to continue working at regular jobs – he just quit another recently, and fought with his parents about it
afterwards. But he thanked me for supporting his decision to join the army and acknowledged that I had done so in spite of passionately hating the military and the government and the idea of Jesse killing and dying or being permanently injured.

I was just watching a horror story of some guy (who seemed ominously kind of like an ENFP?, and the wife who seemed like an ISTP… I could be wrong) who was deciding to end his life, after having been to war and then getting severely injured and sickened, and getting medical treatments and painkillers and body part removals – they took out part of his digestive system because he was having pain, and then gave him a colostomy bag or something – and he was deciding to – euthanize himself, except doing it in a nonviolent way, by quitting some kind of drug or something – I didn’t follow the details of what he was going to do, it didn’t sound like he was actually going to shoot himself or do it in a violent way, it sounded more like he was going to take out his own feeding tube so that he would starve or something. This is the horror of the military, the government, and the medical system all combined. It was a youtube video, and he had gotten on the news because he was making a public statement. It was some alternative news, not the normal news, I think. It had some name like ‘Democracy Today’ or something.

I have taken care of a sick man before. I spent several years with Peter, who was diabetic, on a bunch of drugs, and eventually on hemodialysis. I am familiar with the life of someone depending on constant medical care. But I definitely do not want that to be Jesse’s life.

I’m still working this new temp job, and I have to go in later today. I did not ask to be hired full time yet, but I probably will talk to them about it. I got a bus pass for $70 so I could go across town every day. I got my check from my mom and deposited it yesterday, so I have enough money to get through a couple weeks.

Jesse said he felt like an idiot because he got a 40 on the test – he hadn’t finished the entire set of lessons on the March2Success website, so it’s understandable that his score didn’t increase a lot.

But I don’t want him to feel like an idiot. His entire life is a consequence of the modern world. The fact that his brain doesn’t work as well as it ought to is a consequence of modern ignorance: his family did not know about Weston Price deformities, so they would have eaten a malnourishing diet and allowed exposure to environmental chemicals that can affect the baby, and they would have vaccinated him and done everything the normal way, the American Way. I’ve eaten dinners at their house, and while the food is okay, not horrible, it is still definitely inadequate and lacking knowledge of the more esoteric things that people are only beginning to rediscover, and only if they read on the internet and get specific books and spend a lot of time learning about nutrition and development of the body. I have chronic fatigue, which is one of the reasons why I do actually spend a significant amount of time and attention learning about nutrition, so that is why I know these things. I needed explanations for why my own life went so badly.

So, he has the deformities, he has chemical sensitivities, he was given drugs but I still to this day do not know exactly what, or for how long, or whether he’s still taking drugs and lying to me about it, or what. I just don’t know. He also is surely being attacked by mind control, like every other living creature on the planet, as we are all totally immersed in the system. It’s just that some particular people get more ‘attention’ than other people do, for whatever reason, as in, they are more directly attacked in ways that are more obviously harmful.

He also went through the public school system, and they decided he was too stupid to learn, so they put him into the stupidest classes and did nothing with him all that time, all those wasted years. Then all of a sudden he does this March2Success website and he tells me he learned more math in a couple of weeks doing that website than he learned in YEARS of school, and I believe it!

I had gotten all those books about making websites, from the library, and they are all sitting here on my floor, but I haven’t worked on them in a while. Instead I’ve been working on learning how to use this computer game making program, GameMaker Studio. I am still learning to troubleshoot the bugs in my practice program and in the tutorials. Some days, my mind is sharper than other days, and I can do it really well, and other days, like yesterday, I make stupid mistakes and can’t focus well enough to figure out what’s going on.

I did one tutorial over again from the beginning, and it totally failed the second time I did it, and it took forever for me to figure out why. There are two buttons that look similar. One says ‘Move To Position,’ and one says ‘Jump To Position,’ and I used the wrong one. If you use ‘move,’ it just keeps moving and doesn’t stop until it bounces off something. If you use ‘jump,’ it hops like a frog in Frogger, to one point, and stops till you tell it to hop again. I was supposed to use ‘jump,’ not ‘move.’ I didn’t realize what the difference was, but it caused the entire game to behave totally differently and to not work at all, and I was struggling to
troubleshoot it and build all these weird, inelegant workarounds (‘inelegant’ is the word I use to describe my computer coding on my bad brain days – I can do something, but it’s inefficient and messy and roundabout), and eventually I got it to sort of work the way it had originally when I did the tutorial the first time, but with some slight differences – a pixel here and there, the plane wouldn’t fly in exactly the same way it had before, etc. Finally I noticed another reference to ‘jump to,’ and realized I had put ‘move to’ instead, so when I fixed it, everything worked again the way it was supposed to.

It frustrates me on the days when my brain is stupid. I *know* my brain works much better on other days. I’m chemical sensitive, I’ve been eating bad foods, I haven’t done a decon, and I just can’t do anything I need to do until I get some more money. There are many factors making my brain not work right now. The mind control attacks are always there, but sometimes I can focus in spite of them. Other days, they distract me so much that I just can’t figure out what I’m doing at all.

I read something about Satanism, which was both interesting and disappointing. There’s kind of a long story as to how I ended up reading about Satanism. I’m also interested in Scientology and want to read about it one of these days. I recently watched an interview with a whistleblower telling how it was to live in the world of Scientology. Sometimes I want to know about modern or unconventional religions, because I myself have a religion, Anaya, which is postponed until someday when I can build it. It is a set of rules for how to live life, and the rules are not completely done yet, and it has one member, me. I want to know if I can learn anything about how to create a new religion, and both Scientology and Satanism are newly created religions. So is Mormonism.

There is a computer program that you can install which detects ‘Cat-Like Typing.’ If your cat lays down on top of the keyboard, as mine often does, and as you can see on youtube or in google image searches, many many other cats do as well, then you will have things
like “jk;llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll” being typed by your cat. A computer program detects that, and you have to type the word ‘human’ into a text entry box to get it to unlock your computer. It gives a warning that says ‘Cat-Like typing detected!’ I thought of that because Jacob was lying on my chest when I was on my bed kind of slumping over and trying to do the game tutorial yesterday, and he was threatening to jump up on me right now, but he went around and just climbed onto the blanket instead. I had to move the computer around so he would stop pressing the keyboard.

I take my game making seriously: this is a legitimate form of ‘studying,’ which parallels Jesse studying math. In fact, I do have to use math to make games, even simple games. Making video games, even simple ones, is a valid activity and not a waste of time. If I learn how to do it, it is a potential income earning source which might allow me independence. Individual people – ‘indies,’
independent programmers – can make video games and, at the very least, gain a lot of respect and a large following on the internet, which helps their reputation, and they can either start selling things for money, or else go to work for a corporation and use their game making reputation as a credential.

So I was talking about Satanism, about how something was
disappointing, but interesting. Here is how I got to that. I was annoyed about black people in the workplace, and if any black people anywhere are reading this sentence, I apologize to you if you are not like the black people that I am having trouble with. I have noticed, in reality, with reluctance and regret, that if ever I have problems with any particular race, it is always black people. The only problem I have with Asians in the workplace is that I can’t understand a word that they say. Other than that, I usually have no problems with them.

But when I encounter blacks in the workplace, there is a higher than average chance that they will do a lot of things which black people are stereotypically known for – and, as I said, I reluctantly admitted these things while in principle still believing in equality and being anti-racist. I cannot help noticing that black people in the workplace tend to do these things:

-not show up for work at all

-show up late

-use their cell phone for long periods of time while working, and often, it’s a particular type of phone where they have a handsfree thing where a wire goes up to their ear and you can’t see where the microphone is, so it often looks like they’re talking to themselves, and I often try to answer them or say ‘What?’ when I walk past them and they say something – and they use the phone at work for, like, HOURS, not just a minute or two for a brief and important call, but hours and hours of chitchatting while working

-always have excuses for something, an attitude of irresponsibility and entitlement

-have a difficult complicated life where they are always having unexpected problems with family, etc (and my own life is difficult, but not as chaotic as these stereotypical black people’s lives)

-don’t care about working, and are more willing to just stand around and do nothing, even if there are things that obviously need to be done

-are disorganized or confused

-in or out of the workplace (this list isn’t just blacks in the workplace, it’s all blacks I have known in general everywhere) tend to be extremely ignorant about health knowledge, and are often decades behind white people, embracing conventions of health that have long since been abandoned. For example, they don’t breastfeed their babies because that’s a ‘white people’ fad, and they don’t want themselves to look like ‘primitive Africans,’ they want to look modern – only ‘primitive’ people breastfeed, and modern people use modern baby formulas made in a factory and embrace the modern lifestyle. Instead of choosing the best practices and best behaviors of white people, they reject everything, including stuff that could really help them, but they embrace the absolute WORST crap of white culture, such as blatant consumerism.

Let me just tell the story. I started working at Carnegie. One guy is temporarily helping out from another restaurant, but he’s gone now. He was black. I was friendly to him from the first day when I met him, and I walked over, asked him his name, and told him my name. I usually try to do this if I’m new and see new people anywhere.

But he started expressing interest in me personally as though he wanted us to go out with each other. Over the couple of days that he was there, he was flirting with me, although he never blatantly sexually harassed me (stereotypically, black men are known for sexual harassment of women in the workplace, and I personally hadn’t had that particular problem before, but read about it when I was reading other people’s stories on the internet).

For example – this one almost made me laugh out loud, but all I actually did was sort of a ‘huff’ noise – maybe that’s called ‘scoffing’ – I saw that written as ‘scoffing’ when I was reading the, you know, I forget what they’re called, when they write the words that people are saying on TV, so that deaf people know what they’re saying, or so you can read it while the volume is turned down – I had watched a TV show recently and they used the word ‘scoffing’ when somebody made that ‘huff’ noise to express contempt.

I was trying to dig out the ice cream. The cook was allowing me to learn how to do desserts, because we had a second dishwasher working that day, so I had a little more free time to move around and learn things. The ice cream was that horrible kind that I hate. It all came from the Berkey Creamery. It was conventional ice cream, which is filled with so much gum – guar gum, carrageenan, etc – that it has a chewy, rock-hard texture, so that even with a sharp scoop you can’t even puncture into the ice cream without using a sledgehammer. You have to use enormous force to puncture into this ice cream with a scoop. I was not strong enough. The table was too high, and I am too short, and I could not get my arms into the right angle to press down on the ice cream with all of my body weight, which was the only way I was going to scoop this horrid ice cream. I hate ice cream with ‘stabilizers’ in it. Breyers Ice Cream used to never add any kind of gum, but then they were bought out by Unilever corporation, and it turned Breyers into an utter monstrosity of fake ice cream, which is it now. There are a couple brands that have gum-free ice cream: Turkey Hill All Natural, which I bought the other day – it’s good! – and Haagen-Daas’s ‘Five’ line, which has only five simple ingredients and no gum. I hate the texture of the gum. I don’t want chewy ice cream that I have to rip into with my incisors! My teeth get cold when I have to actually BITE my ice cream and PULL HARD to literally RIP a bite off of it because it’s stuck together like taffy! It HURTS to eat gum-filled ice cream! I prefer the light, melting texture of gum-free ice cream, which instantly vanishes in your mouth and which pulls away easily when you take a bite, without clinging to the rest of the ice cream in one taffy-like clump. I HATE GUM IN ICE CREAM, and I’m not the only one – there are entire forums where people express how much they hate what happened to Breyer’s ice cream, how they loathe the mouth feel of gum-filled ice cream, and so on.

So this was taffy-like GUM ice cream, in a huge barrel-like container about two feet deep, frozen into one giant rock of frozen chewing gum. People only like the Berkey Creamery ice cream because it’s part of Penn State and it’s a Penn State tradition. There is nothing unusual or special about Berkey Creamery ice cream. It is a big wad of taffy just like every other conventional ice cream, and full of chemicals and artificial flavors and colors – nothing but garbage. Nothing distinguishes Berkey Creamery ice cream from any other ice cream being sold in the United States other than ‘It’s Penn State! That makes it awesome!’

So here I was, struggling to scoop it out, thinking how much I loathe this type of ice cream, loathe Penn State, loathe the Berkey Creamery, loathe everybody who comes to this town because of football games and then eats Berkey Creamery ice cream at a fancy restaurant, and then goes online to rave about how awesome Berkey Creamery ice cream is. I was getting angry and frustrated. You’re supposed to scoop out this round ball of ice cream, but I could barely dig off a couple tiny shallow flakes off the top, using all of my strength.

Well, then, the black guy came over and offered to help. I accepted his help, and he showed me a different way of scooping. It’s true, I learned how to scoop a little better because he showed me. That was fine, and it was helpful.

However, after he did that – and another lady was standing there watching, and I looked at her eyes, and she seemed to be silently expressing anger without saying anything – she just quietly radiated a little bit of anger – because I was supposed to be learning how to do this, and this guy just came over, butted in, got physically in our space, and then started doing it for me instead of letting me do it. He did not just show me a little bit, and then step out of the way to let me continue learning – no, he showed me, and then continued doing it over and over for all three of the bowls of ice cream instead of letting me practice.

And then – this was the ‘huff’ moment when I could not help but laugh out loud – he PULLED UP HIS SLEEVE and showed us his giant biceps muscle, which was all covered in tattoos (because I had been complaining that I was too weak to scoop this ice cream). The first thought that crossed my mind afterwards was, ‘That explains why you’re crazy and you never sleep – you’re using steroids!’ He wanted to show off his muscles and flirt with the ladies after helping me scoop this horrible unscoopable ice cream. I’m not a big fan of muscles. I don’t find them attractive. I only like it when skinny guys have wiry muscles that are surprisingly strong, like Jesse. Jesse’s muscles are very sexy. I’m not interested in giant muscles that look like someone’s on steroids, and also, I don’t find them attractive on a guy unless I already like that guy for other reasons having nothing to do with his muscles. Muscles in and of themselves are not sexually attractive to me, and they are often actually repulsive to me.

I had said earlier that I was tired because I hadn’t slept a lot that day, and he said, ‘Sleep is overrated! I never sleep!’ I asked him for some more detail, and he said he ‘didn’t want to miss out on anything,’ and that he only went to sleep if his body just crashed on its own and shut down against his will. This is one of those ‘ignorant about healthcare’ moments. Sleep is extremely important. Refusing to sleep does not make you seem ‘strong’ and ‘admirable,’ it makes you seem like an idiot and it explains why you can’t concentrate and don’t bother doing any work while you’re at work.

He also talked about how he doesn’t eat any kind of meat. He doesn’t eat this, he doesn’t eat that, he doesn’t eat this and that. I was able to gather that he’s willing to eat chicken, and there was something else, I forget what, but he believes that beef is unhealthy, and he had an allergic reaction to some kind of seafood – I looked at him in kind of a pitying way, like, ‘Wow, it must suck to be unwilling or unable to eat so many kinds of meat,’ but he was bragging about it as though he was proud and superior. I also have a special diet, but I don’t usually go bragging about it at length in conversations at the workplace. Yes, I even think my diet is superior to many other people’s diets, but I’m not telling them this out loud at work. ‘That stuff causes so much damage,’ he said, about beef. He made no distinction between ‘factory farm versus grass fed,’ or
‘hormone-filled versus hormone-free,’ or anything – just, all beef. Beef is bad! The government said so, decades ago! And I know it! He was trying to look knowledgeable and educated and superior, but instead just kept showing his ignorance and lack of nuances in his knowledge.

I became irritated with this guy several times, and then did google searches about other people’s experiences with black people – the worst of the stereotypes. I’m trying to understand the truth and be realistic, while also trying to somehow integrate this with my beliefs in equality and fairness and individuality – individual black people differ. But yet, even though I know that, I cannot help noticing that when I have problems with anybody, it’s very often black people, over and over again. This is just what really happens.

I always noticed at McD, when I worked in drive-thru, that black people took forever to place an order at the speaker, and would get confused, yell back at other people in the car asking them what they wanted, wait five minutes for an answer while their kids ignored them, yell at them loudly and demand that they tell them what they want to eat, decide now, we’re in a hurry! we’re waiting! people are in line behind us! They yell at their kids, who are screaming and fooling around in the back seat and refusing to decide what they want. Finally, after five or ten minutes, they get the orders from everybody in the car. Even if there are only two people in the car, ordering is complicated and confusing, they change their mind several times, take something off the order, get angry at the price of something, argue… When they finally come around to the cash window, it takes them five minutes to get the cash out of their wallet. They will sit there digging through their wallet while simultaneously having a
conversation with someone else in the car, or even, by themselves, STILL dig through their wallet for five minutes to get the money out – and it’s not even a pile of change, it’s something perfectly simple like a $10 bill! Something you can get out in a couple seconds. I always noticed: black people take forever to order, and then they take forever to get their money out of their wallet. Black people complain about the prices and make a big fuss, sometimes having a loud public shouting match with a manager and crying and yelling and getting upset and demanding refunds over something trivial, causing confusion with coupons, trying to scam us with coupons, trying to get something for free which they are not entitled to get for free, then claim that ‘somebody at the other store lets me do this all the time!’ It’s almost always black people doing this. There are a few exceptions, but most of the time, it’s black people. And I couldn’t help but notice this, through years of experience.

So I was reading about other people’s experiences on the internet. I had just noticed that this black guy at work was doign the
stereotypical things that often annoyed me about black people – and then, another black guy got hired as a cook, but didn’t show up at all on the first day! So that web page was how I got to Satanism. I need to finish up this blog soon because I have to get Max inside and go to work. I was reading the very worst of the web pages where people openly hated black people. I am not quite that severe. But I do know from experience that some of this is true even though I don’t want to believe it and I want to be fair in principle. One guy complaining about black people said that they ought to become Satanists – I forget why, exactly – and then changed his mind and said no, they’re Satan’s rejects. So I had to go to the page he linked to and read why.

Satanism, apparently, also has a set of rules and standards which are difficult to meet and which require some degree of responsibility and self-restraint. Apparently you have to be at least slightly respectable to be a good Satanist. The guy on the web page had said that black people were being deceitful and pretending to be better than they were, while actually scamming people and selling shoddy goods – this web page was all about complaints in the business world, where black people were scamming them, checks bounced, etc. So he said that even Satanism wouldn’t take them if they did that. I read the rules of Satanism and it was actually interesting. I don’t entirely disagree with it; however, I don’t believe in drug use, and if aesthetic beauty is important, then you cannot do drugs, because they ruin your health, and health is beauty, and it ruins your children’s health as well. You must be sober and drug-free and well-nourished to have children who are aesthetically beautiful. Satanism isn’t aware of Weston Price, apparently. Merely putting on makeup and styling your hair doesn’t make you aesthetically beautiful. It can’t prevent obesity and severe and chronic illness – all they can do is blame fat people for being fat, without knowing what causes it.

Anaya, on the other hand, has all the rules for how to live your life and how to create the most beautiful and healthiest people you possibly can, people who are able to maximize their life potential. They will not be held back by preventable handicaps such as obesity and autism. Anaya officially welcomes all races of people, including blacks, which is one of the reasons why I wanted to read about ‘race realism’ so that I could understand the realities of dealing with black people. Anaya officially encourages mixed breeding of races, not pure breeding. Mixed breeding is desirable and actively encouraged in Anaya. But I want to know what to expect to happen, realistically.

If you are a white person, and you adopt black children, those black children will get better test scores than the other black children, at first. But later on in their teens, your adopted black children will start to get test scores similar to other black children their age, and they suspect this is because of socializing more and picking up on the culture. The only way (assuming that’s the cause of it) to prevent this is by isolating adopted black children from the mainstream American black culture, so that they do not pick up negative attitudes.

I don’t dislike African Africans as much as American ones. It’s the former slave people living in this country whose culture has been totally destroyed, who have all the entitlement attitudes and all that. People whose entire culture was destroyed by genocide, slavery, or invasion are the ones who become the laziest and the most dependent on the government, and the anti-black website people were complaining also that other people did this, such as the Australian Aborigines living on the reservations, and the Native Americans who were being forced to integrate with modern society in Canada. They all just drink alcohol or smoke pot or whatever, and take welfare checks. This is because their culture is destroyed. They were all forced to jump from the Stone Age directly into the Computer Age with nothing in between, by means of physical invasion and genocide and slavery and murder. That is why they are the way they are. Sometimes there are other reasons, but those are the main ones. Africans who live in Africa are not as bad as former slaves who live in the United States who have never had a strong culture and were always a victim, since they were brought here by force.

I have to hurry now. I was going to say, Satanism made me feel hopeful at first. Maybe, just maybe, some kind of powerful authority would take responsibility for building the system of electronic mind control. I had been reading another website recently which talked about how universal the Satanic symbols are now in other cultures, for instance if you watch music videos made in Korea – they show the goat’s head and things like that, obvious Satanic symbols. Satanism is being made ‘popular’ and ‘cool,’ and so is mind control, in these videos. Lady Gaga’s videos are all about mind control.

I’ve also read websites about electronic mind control who claim that Satanism is involved in it. So when I read this Satanist web page, I was sort of hoping that I would find the people who were behind it all. But after reading a bit, I started to feel that no, they would be just as ignorant of it as anyone else. I don’t have time to talk much more about it – I have to go soon.

Basically I was trying to get an idea of to what extent black people in the USA can be ‘saved’ after the lifelong damage has already been done, a lifetime of malnutrition, ignorance, mainstream medicine, and so on. Black people are disproportionally harmed by autism, for instance. They are harmed by their broken post-slave culture. I wondered how much of this could be fixed by giving them an intentional community and good nutrition and explicitly teaching them new attitudes while isolating them physically from harmful influences. That’s most of the concept of my community: you protect people against drug use, for example, by physically taking them away from places where they can buy drugs or alcohol. Give them a life where they collect food without using money, and they won’t have money for drugs. Protect them from the disinformation which is actively and aggressively being forced upon us all, protect them from doctors who might encourage them to circumcise their children for no reason – if you spend too much time in the mainstream world, hearing doctors and everybody everywhere telling you that circumcision is good and necessary, if you yourself aren’t competent to decide these things on your own (due to factors such as personality type or intelligence level), then you are going to start agreeing with the doctors and feeling doubtful, and you might make mistakes that are irreversible. The only way to prevent people from doing this is to physically keep them from socializing in the mainstream world. I’d like to create a new Anaya language. That’s a great way to isolate people. If they simply can’t understand what the mainstream world is saying, it can’t harm them. There will have to be a way for the elders to protect them – I’ve thought about it – a group of elders will have to continue the ‘arms race’ so that we can defend ourselves against the outer world’s technology. They will always invade us, using superior technology, just like they have for thousands of years, killing stone age tribes by shooting them with metal machine guns.

I know there was something else I wanted to talk about, and I am extremely verbose and using tons of caffeine. I will remember after I post it. I’m not fixing the typos because I don’t have time.

The only thing I look forward to every day is learning how to make video games. Soon, I will need to find a music system or sound editing software. It would be nice if it were free. I used to use Propellerhead Reason, but that won’t install on this computer. My sound card and other stuff isn’t good enough. I could use something minimal. I hope there is some kind of freeware or shareware, but I haven’t looked yet. I have to like the GUI, the way the buttons are set up, and all that.

I added a big bear that walks around with the girl. I finally got her to walk on the invisible blocks. Now that I know about ‘jump to’ versus ‘move,’ I will be able to fix some problems with the way she moves. There were some bugs – if I moved too fast and slammed into a wall, I went right through it. It would happen if I stood right next to the wall and bumped against it over and over again. And then suddenly I remembered an old video game from Intellivision called ‘Lock ‘n’ Chase,’ where a robber is stealing gold from the bank and being chased by police, like Pac-Man. If you stood next to the wall and bumped against it a bunch of times, sometimes you would go through the wall and come out the other side, or else get stuck inside the wall. My brother and I discovered this bug when we were kids, and we thought it was funny. Bugs were fascinating. You could cheat that way. Well, my girl was doing that exact thing because she was moving much too fast due to a glitch. I figured out how to fix it now, sort of, although I still don’t entirely understand it. I wish I had more time to work on this. Anyway I gave her a big bear for a friend. I call my cat Jacob ‘little bear,’ ‘baby bear,’ or ‘black bear’ sometimes. That’s probably where it came from. And she’s going into the woods where the bears are. She needs friends. I made her bigger, but I don’t like the way she looks now. I smoothed out her pixels and it made her less cute. I want to somehow make her cute again. Her cartoonlike cuteness is endearing. I’ll upload a screenshot, maybe, but I don’t have time right now.

Free sashimi at work

December 6, 2014

2:06 PM 12/6/2014

I’m getting the bus figured out. As silly as this sounds, I’m really happy that I might be going past Wegman’s frequently. It won’t be every night, depending on which bus I take, which depends on what time I get out of work. But I’ll be going there frequently, and once I start getting paychecks again I will be able to buy food there. However, I won’t have much money for food if I’m only working one job. I’ll have to do the ‘beans and rice’ kind of grocery buying, instead of the ‘organic grassfed ground beef for $10’ and ‘all natural smoked sockeye salmon, wild caught for $10’ and that kind of thing.

A nice thing about this job is I can get free raw tuna sashimi. They make hors d’oeuvres (is the e first, or the u? I had to google it yesterday) with sashimi. I didn’t know what it was. I thought it was a little slice of raw beef with pepper on the outside. They told me it’s tuna. It has the same red color. I ate a couple pieces that customers didn’t eat, when the dishes came back to be washed. I ate the pieces if it looked like they were in good condition and hadn’t been bitten off of. Some of them were untouched. Then, later on, they decided to get rid of the last little bit of it because it had been sitting out for a while and it was the end of the day, so I timidly ate some of that too. I did not experience any parasite sensations AT ALL last night while sleeping, so I am very likely to continue eating more raw tuna today and every time I work.

I asked Mom if she could send me a check. She said yes, then lectured me about how I need to get Medicaid. She worries that something is going to happen, I’m going to have to go to the hospital, and they won’t take me because I don’t have any way of paying. However, the medical industry parasitically overcharges insurance companies for unnecessary treatments and charges things like $10,000 to sleep in a hospital bed for a single night, and things like that, and if you have insurance, then they will continue to give you unnecessary and harmful treatments over and over again for as long as possible, making you sicker and sicker until you finally die, but they try as hard as they can to keep you barely alive for as many years as possible so they can keep on sucking the life out of you and making money. That is how mainstream medicine works.

There are only a small number of situations where mainstream medicine is able to do anything at all, and even in those situations you might still be better off taking your chances on your own. If you have a gross injury, such as a broken bone sticking out through the skin and bleeding, from a car accident, and other obvious trauma, then they’re able to do surgeries and things to put it back together – and even then, you can die from the drugs used in the surgery, or they can do things you didn’t want them to do – ‘Hey! While we’ve got this person sedated, let’s chop off a couple of their limbs and organs!’ or ‘Hey, while we’ve got this lady drugged into a coma and lying here in a hospital bed, let’s chop off all her knee-length hair because it’s inconvenient for us to wash it and comb it!’

That last one was a true story told by my former coworker at weis. She had myasthenia gravis, and I don’t have any idea what that is, and I’ll have to google it, but that’s what she had, and she was drugged and asleep in the hospital, and the nurses took it upon themselves to chop off her extremely long hair, and I think it was knee length, because it was merely inconvenient for them to comb it and wash it. Oh no! The patient will *DIE* if we don’t wash and comb her hair every single day! To me, that screams ‘MILLION DOLLAR LAWSUIT,’ because hair takes decades to grow long, and it is an extremely valuable asset.

You can go on television and get paid thousands and thousands of dollars to do an extreme makeover and have your extremely long hair cut off and then professionally styled on TV, but this can only be done once, and also, the chopping of extremely long hair is a sexual fetish. If you do it, it is worth many, many, many thousands of dollars. It is a permanent injury, even though it doesn’t cause physical pain. The nurses did it for free and probably TOOK her hair and did who knows what with it. So anyway, this coworker told me she woke up when the drugs wore off and her long hair was gone. But, stupidly, she never bothered to grow it long again, and kept it cut very short for the rest of her life. That just tells me that she’s too stupid to appreciate or understand the importance of long hair. Who cares if they even cut it off, because she’s too stupid to appreciate it and too stupid to sue them for a million dollars – she never wanted long hair anyway and was too stupid to deserve it.

Anyway, Mom wanted me to get Medicaid, but I think the less insurance I have, the safer I am. If you don’t have insurance, they are less likely to take advantage of the opportunity to give you dozens and dozens of unnecessary and harmful treatments for free. If they are aware that nobody is paying for this, they’ll perhaps give you the minimum necessary, which gives you a better chance of survival. You have a greater chance of death, dismemberment, poisoning, cancer, and everything else the more medical treatments you receive, because medicine is death, in every way.

I should probably post this and start thinking about getting ready for work. I don’t have to go hunting to find Max today – he’s right here beside me. He was out all night instead. He was hanging out with another cat that I call ‘Spot,’ because it has sort of a white underbelly with a darker brown saddle on top. I don’t know if that cat is a stray or if it belongs to someone. They were catching a mouse. The mouse was right there with them and they were letting it run a little bit and then jumping on it again. So I left him out there to do that instead of making him come inside. I want him to socialize with other cats, learn things from them, and learn how to survive outdoors, and he needs to understand how to catch mice. I was fantasizing about making a cat farm, where I would breed millions of mice and release them outdoors on the farm for the cats.

I am not yet settled into this dishwashing job, and I need to get used to getting on the bus at the right time, and that kind of thing. I need to decide if I’m able to do this for the long term. It really does sort of fit with my long term plans, because it has me going by Wegman’s every day, and I wish I actually lived next to Wegman’s so that I’d walk over there and go shopping every day like I do here at Weis. Weis is okay, but they don’t have much selection of organic or exotic foods. Wegman’s has a huge selection of organic, exotic, and fancy-wealthy foods, like salmon caviar, and several types of grassfed meats, and stuff, and these beautiful fruit tarts. I don’t have any money and won’t have enough money merely from working one job. I will have to get a second job, otherwise it’s beans-and-rice for me. Most of my money goes to paying rent.

Yesterday there was a guy helping us, from another restaurant with the same owners. He commented that there was no radio in this kitchen, and asked why not. The other chef said he didn’t know. I hadn’t noticed it, but yeah, it was true, there was no radio in the kitchen! The guy said that EVERY kitchen always had a radio. I hadn’t even appreciated it up to that point, but NOT HAVING A RADIO was making my job calm, peaceful, and relaxing, instead of tortured and angry for hours. I HATE THE RADIO. I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I WANT TO SMASH IT AGAINST THE WALL. I was FORCED to listen to the radio for YEARS when I worked at McDonald’s. They had an intercom radio, but at one point, that wasn’t working, so they brought in a radio and just tuned it to The Bus. The Bus has a small, limited playlist where they play the same songs over and over again in a 24 hour period, and these are OLDIES which have been playing for DECADES, so I have already heard all of these songs 100,000 times in my life, and now, I must hear each one again every 24 hours. It was torture, and I am not joking – it was literally torture. I hated that music. I had to hear the worst of the oldies, including Michael Jackson and other filth, played over and over every day. I had to hear ‘Fat Bottomed Girls You Make The Rockin’ World Go Round’ every day. And that song was written by someone who was gay and didn’t even like girls, just like ‘Billie Jean Is Not My Lover, Cause She’s Just A Girl, Not A Cute Little Boy,’ and other filth written by people who didn’t even mean it. Then, the voices in my head would force me to hear those same songs being replayed in my head all day afterwards. It was not possible to avoid the music when the soul murderers forced me to continue hearing it playing in my head.

I should post this. I need to start getting ready. I was just saying that it hadn’t occurred to me that there was no radio, and I suddenly realized how precious and wonderful that was. It should be illegal to expose your coworkers to secondhand radio, which is just as harmful as secondhand tobacco smoke. It is a hazardous work environment.

I am drinking lots of Coke today. It is a food substitute. I don’t have good food at home right now, and what little I have hasn’t been prepared. I could boil the crayfish and make soup, like I saw them doing with lobster pieces yesterday. He boiled the lobster pieces in a huge pot to make lobster bisque. It was the heads and shells and everything, after the tails were removed. That’s what Weston Price is all about, making stock out of leftover parts of meats and fish and bones.

I’m grouchy because of all this Coke, the lack of food, the lack of sleep last night, the lack of being settled in and used to this job, the lack of money – I just keep wanting food and not having any. I’m eating leftover raw tuna at work, and it is surprisingly satisfying. It kept me alive all night yesterday even though I really only had a few small bites and not much else to eat, although I also had pecan pie which someone brought in. I get free food there, and it’s potentially nice food. I also ate a little bit of Brie cheese off someone’s plate, the side that wasn’t bitten off of, but found that for some reason, it instantly triggered mucus production in my throat – it was allergenic somehow, which indicates bad quality. Perhaps it was left at room temperature too long. I don’t know the conditions it was in, or how long it sat at the table or how long it sat out during preparation. That would explain why people weren’t eating it. It never triggered instant mucus production when I bought it at the grocery store.

I’m obsessed with food because I didn’t really have breakfast, just a few small snacks and Coke. I’ll get through this. I’m off tomorrow and Monday. I don’t know what I’ll be doing long term. I hope to learn more cooking there too, not just dishwashing.

Work takes away life

December 4, 2014

1:44 PM 12/4/2014

I don’t have a lot of time to write this. I still have to do a couple things before I go to work today. This is the second day that I’m working at Carnegie House, my temp job. I’m a dishwasher. I didn’t know what to expect. I’ve never eaten there. It’s one of those fancy restaurants where you order a meal that has several courses and you stay there for a long time slowly eating your meal and drinking wine. It’s expensive. The food is beautiful.

I was expecting the worst, in terms of personalities. I was expecting another TB (the way it was in the beginning – they sort of mellowed out a bit after a while when I was there – after we got a new store manager, all the employees stopped caring about following the rules so strictly). I was expecting to meet people who were unreasonable, stupid, narrow-minded, mean, judgmental, annoying, and boring, because that is how I perceive the masses of people in general, and I feel as though my chances of meeting that type of person are much greater than my chances of meeting cool people who I like.

However, so far I like most of the people I met. I only worked yesterday, so I don’t know.

By the way, for a while now I’ve just been ignoring my typos and leaving them in, because it’s a pain to open up my WordPress dashboard to edit my posts and fix the typos. I won’t go into detail – basically, it’s very slow and it malfunctions. That’s making a long story short. I always send my posts by email so that I don’t have to bother with wordpress at all. All that they need, for the love of God, is a simple, basic TEXT ENTRY BOX – but no! They have to be fancy! A simple text entry box would not do for a corporation as big and respectable as WordPress!

And when I send the email, I send it from my gmail address, which is set up to show the ‘plain HTML’ view of the email, because I hate fancy email screens too. I hate yahoo – I have it set on the ‘classic’ view, but that’s still horrible, and that is why I use yahoo as my spam address and my semi-spams, the emails from people who I have actually requested emails from, but which tend to clutter, such as emails from forums I’ve joined, newsletters, and things like that.

Anyway, Jesse got a job at Domino’s and told me about it, on the very same day that Adecco called me and told me I had a job. He wanted me to work with him, but I won’t be able to fit that around this job very well, unless I can work really short shifts.

Something I like about this job: I’m going to be near Wegman’s a lot, so I will tend to go there more often. Usually, I never get a chance to go to Wegman’s. But I have to ride the bus every day and I’ll be there on that side of town. I’m getting on the bus that goes past Wegman’s when I go home in the evening, because the Toftrees (HP) bus doesn’t run that late at night.

I also like it that I might get really good food there. It’s not like working at McD or TB, where you get to eat fast food while you’re working. I didn’t like TB’s food much at all, but ate it when I was desperate. This Carnegie House food is really fancy expensive high-quality stuff. Last night I was doing dishes, and I was tempted to eat something off somebody’s plate. I was really tempted, but I didn’t do it. Somebody had gotten that Brie/Camembert cheese and had actually not eaten it all. It’s that soft cheese with a firm rind around the outside. The rind is edible on the kind that we have here, although in other places the rind is made differently and supposedly isn’t edible. But I love that type of cheese. If I were eating at a fancy restaurant and had a plate of Camembert and couldn’t eat it all, I’d be stuffing it into my purse and taking it home.

People also did not eat the arugula underneath their hors d’oeuvres. Come on, people, don’t waste all that arugula! Maybe it only seems like a little bit of arugula on YOUR hors d’oeuvre, but when an entire group of twenty people doesn’t eat the arugula, it’s a lot. It’s all being thrown away. Arugula is edible and it’s good for you! Eat your arugula! I’m one of those people who eats the parsley garnish put next to my meal at places like Denny’s or wherever, even if it’s at breakfast.

I wanted to take a screenshot of something funny my practice video game did, but it’s too hard to do and I don’t have enough time. If I didn’t have a job, I could fool around with it all day and research it until I got it to work, but I’m doing it in the couple hours before work, and right now I have to get ready – I’m already pushing it. I haven’t gotten the time figured out yet – at exactly what time do I have to be ready and leave to catch the bus?

I was trying to understand how the physics works in the game. I had made my little girl fall with gravity, and I tried to put blocks underneath her to catch her fall. I made the blocks invisible, because I was going to have her walking around on the grass on top of invisible blocks. The grass was just painted in the background.

But no matter what I did, she just fell out the bottom of the screen. Earlier, I had surrounded the entire screen with invisible blocks because I was testing things like making her bounce off the top of the screen, making gravity pull you up instead of down, and that kind of thing. So the entire room was surrounded by a box, but yet, no matter what I did, she fell through the blocks at the bottom that she was supposed to be able to stand on.

I did everything I could, I changed all these settings, I tested it over and over, and went crazy trying to understand why she was going through the blocks as though they were not there. She just fell right through them, like a ghost.

Finally, for whatever reason, I gave the blocks a color so that I could see them, and then I ran the game. I had been running it with the blocks invisible all that time. When I saw it, I laughed out loud and understood exactly what had been happening. When the game started, the girl started falling, and all the blocks, the entire box around the whole room, started slowly falling at the same time. Everything fell at once. The boxes did not stay floating in space for her to land on – they were falling too. I had no idea that was happening. I had just put the wrong setting somewhere on the blocks that made them do that. But at least now I understand what was happening so I can fix it.

It was just so funny I really wanted to take a screenshot, but I won’t have time to fool with it right now. I hate working at a job. I hate having no free time. I hate being anxious and hurried in the hours before work. And now I have to find Max, and take a shower, and then get all my clothes together and get money for the bus. I don’t have time for anything. And I woke up tired because I rode my bike more than usual yesterday. I bought caffeine again, just the instant coffee, but it’s not working – it hardly has any effect at all, except to reduce the withdrawal symptoms from the previous day’s coffee, which also had hardly any effect at all.

When I do drink coffee that is strong enough to actually work, it destroys my teeth. I had just gotten a couple bottles of Starbucks iced coffee recently, and had also been drinking Coke, and I damaged my broken back tooth enough that a little bit more of it crumbled yesterday. That tooth doesn’t hurt at all – you’d think it would hurt, because we’ve all been brainwashed to believe that cavities and broken teeth must hurt, but they don’t hurt at all if you aren’t eating specific foods. Cavities don’t hurt! If you eat only a few specific foods, they will hurt like crazy. They will be unbearably painful. But if you are eating even a moderately healthy diet, even if you keep drinking coffee and drink Coke like I do, the cavities don’t have any pain at all. When you see someone with cavities you think, ‘Gosh, you must be in CONSTANT AGONIZING PAIN!’ But it has no feeling. And the tooth root is in no danger. The tooth root regrows an outer layer of bone, although it cannot completely regrow an entire tooth.

I have to go now, or I’m gonna be late. 😦 I need a better work-life balance. And poor Jesse said he was too tired to study the ASVAB the other day because he had just come home from work. That’s a bad sign. Work makes you unable to do any long-term goals, because all you can do is the short-term goal of dragging yourself to work every day, and paying the rent, and barely scraping by, living paycheck to paycheck. You have no time to study anything. If you don’t want to go in debt, there is no way to improve your life. You can go to college and live in the dorm, but go $200,000 in debt. You cannot go to college, and also work and pay the rent and live in an apartment.

I have to go! I’m gonna be late.

Freshly juiced organic cranberries have a ‘berry-like’ flavor

December 2, 2014

That’s my lack of words for it. I decided to use these organic fresh cranberries for juicing. If I had drying racks and other equipment, I’d dry them. I want to start drying large amounts of food and get in the habit of it. But I can’t do that now, so I juiced them.

I ate the leftovers of what I cooked last night. Hopefully, that’s not what made me sick. Then I juiced the cranberries. Jacob laid on my pile of clothes, watching me as I set up the juicer. I put the cranberries in and turned it on. I wasn’t even able to use the black thingy that you’re supposed to use to press down on the fruits and vegetables, because the berries just bounced around all over the place, so I had to just cover the top with my hand, while feeding more cranberries through a tiny hole between my finger and thumb. I got splattered cranberry all over my hand.

Finally they were done and I drank it. It wasn’t very much. I added my organic sugar and a little bit of water. Ideally, in principle, I’d rather not be adding sugar to things, but cranberries are just inedible – it’s something native people ate because they had to, because it was edible, because they had nothing else to eat. They probably did things to them to make them less unpalatable. I can handle them if they’re dried. These fresh ones are super strong though. Primitive people have to pick whatever foods are available at that season of the year, and if it doesn’t kill you, it’s edible.

The juice had a strange flavor which was different from and better than the cranberry juice at the store. I don’t have the words to describe it. It was truly something *different*. The only words I have for it are ‘berry-like.’ It was a berry-like flavor. I’ve picked wild black raspberries and mulberries, I’ve eaten those fake strawberries, whatever they’re called – mock strawberries – I’ve eaten MILLIONS of those (and some websites thought they were poisonous! but I eat them ALL THE TIME during the summer, and I’m chemical-sensitive, so if they were poisonous, I of all people would know!). Something in all those wild berries was in this cranberry juice, but gone from the juice at the store. I can’t describe it. It was a haunting, wonderful, subtle background flavor, although they probably weren’t as good as they were on the day they were picked.

There are ephemeral things that are destroyed as time passes. Freshly grown, organic, freshly picked plants have a smell. You pick a green bean off the plant and eat it right that moment, and it tastes completely different from any green beans in the grocery store. However, grocery store apples might have been sitting in warehouses for months and months as their vitamins decayed. Many grocery store foods sit around for a long time, and some of them are sprayed with various substances to keep them from spoiling, or to make them ripen exactly when we want them to ripen. I only eat grocery store food because I don’t have my own farm, can’t go to farmers’ markets as much as I want, don’t have a car to drive long distances to pick up food I want, and also, because I lost my jobs and don’t have the money to start ordering weird foods online like I was JUST ABOUT to do before I got sick from the pesticides sprayed at McD.

Several people I know have told me I should go back to McD. I really, really wish I could. I think that’s the reason why I couldn’t bear to talk to anyone from McD. I didn’t want them to make me want to come back. It breaks my heart to leave behind all those people I love. I haven’t forgotten them at all. However, part of me wants to try new jobs, even if it’s just a random job that’s equal to any other random job, like this dishwasher thing. It’s in a different location with different people. The particulars differ, the essence is basically the same.

Anyway, I got rid of the fresh cranberries, after having realized that I absolutely could not just eat them as is, even when I mixed them with my grassfed beef. I absolutely love eating dried cranberries, and I think that’s what’s necessary to make them edible.

Jesse called; I just took a job from Adecco; the need for shared experiences; Starbucks coffee is stronger than normal coffee for some reason; the physics of GameMaker

December 2, 2014

10:12 AM 12/2/2014

Jesse called me this morning and invited me to come over and study with him. I will probably try to restrain myself and not get too involved and not stand there looking over his shoulder or standing beside him (he usually stands up at his computer while it sits on a high shelf that used to be a shelf for an entertainment center, TV, etc). I’ll help answer questions if he needs me.

He told me he got a job too. He asked if I had a job yet and I said no, I hadn’t filled out the applications yet. He had the most gorgeous, sexy voice on the phone, because he had just woken up and was getting out of bed, and because we hadn’t talked in several days, and because he probably felt good about himself for getting a job. He felt strong. I myself felt kind of lame and weak in comparison, with a dry raspy voice. I was sick last night for some reason too, and almost threw up, and had diarrhea, and my nose is kind of stuffy. But now even though I’m sick, all I can think about is having sex with him.

I had this feeling when I was talking to him that I wished I could match his sexiness and be as sexy and full of life as he was, as young as he was, as full of vitality. I felt like an old lady, kind of like when I hear my aging dad’s raspy voice, because people’s voices often become more raspy as they get old, you know, like when someone does a mockery of an old person and they talk a certain way and say, ‘You know, sonny, when I was your age,’ and they have this raspy
high-pitched voice – my dad is starting to sound like that. I sound a teensy bit like that too, although when I’m under the influence of particular drugs and residues, like St. John’s Wort, I get a lot of compliments when I’m doing the drive-thru at McD from people who tell me I have a pleasant voice. Maybe I should get paid to make audio books. One lady said she thought I should make a gardening show on the radio.

Just yesterday I had read an unpleasant article on some random celebrity news blog – I forget how I got there, just clicking on random links while reading things – that talked about how, the greater the age difference, the greater the chances of a breakup were, and it even applied to people who were very close together in age, like one year apart – there were minor statistical differences even there. I think part of this is because people go to school together and are in the same grade, where they get to know each other by spending a lot of time together in school. Since they have known each other socially for a long time, they know that they like or dislike this person, and they already know what their relationship would be like before they got married. If two people who had vastly different ages were able to spend the same amount of time together socially, having shared experiences, being in the same place, seeing the same thing, doing the same activities, just like people who are in the same grade at school, then they might get to know each other better and have the bond of shared experiences.

Shared experiences are extremely important. When I saw the meteor a few months ago – did I ever write that story? I think I did. I had gone to see ‘The Giver’ at the theater on the side of town near Lowe’s. I saw it twice in a row because I walked in late the first time, and because I liked it so much. I had this urge to talk the scenic route home, and was going to try to find a route down some side streets instead of walking down Atherton Street.

For some reason, I didn’t have my bike that night. I had ridden the bus partway and then walked part way. I think the bus I needed wasn’t running or something because it was a Sunday or something…. I forget. Maybe I just couldn’t ride the bus back because it was too late at night. But I had this idea that I had walked over there, too, although that just sounds wrong – I couldn’t have walked there and then walked out too. So I walked into the darkness down a side street, and after a while, got lost, and ended up walking through strange places like the football field of some middle school, through a little patch of weeds and onto another street, and into some little park that, for some reason, I had never been to before, in all these years that I’ve lived here. It’s somewhere near Park Forest, near the middle school. It was dark and I couldn’t see anything except some kind of weird white colored walls glowing in the darkness.

I wandered for many hours, and was still out walking a little before midnight. I don’t remember exactly what time the meteor occurred, but it was either just before eleven or just before midnight. I was looking at the ground, and I was wearing these little slippers from Wal-Mart, which had worn through, gotten holes in them, and gotten rocks trapped in the holes. So I was looking carefully where I was walking, and had to occasionally take my shoes off and get the rocks out from the holes. So that’s why I was paying so much attention to the ground. And I had hoped to see a shooting star, but hadn’t expected a fireball. It was perfectly clear.

And all of a sudden it seemed like a bolt of lightning. The ground lit up with bright light. I looked up for the source of the light, wondering why there was lightning on a perfectly clear night, and then saw the fireball as it was partway through. Then it finished, in only a couple seconds, with one explosion after another, like fireworks.

It was a long walk home still, and I was out for several hours, and I went and bought food at Giant and then took a cab home. It was a very memorable and unusual night, while I did things that I don’t normally do, walked places I don’t normally walk, and I had also seen a very good movie that I resonated with – it’s about people who are being drugged and brainwashed and made to believe that this little society they live in is all there is, when actually, there is a whole world full of color and adventure and danger that they have been made to forget, to protect them from the dangers of the world, like war. One guy is rediscovering that lost world.

I was thinking about the movie while walking home in the darkness, and how it applies to me, because with the constant attacks on my brain, I cannot see, or feel, or understand, or experience anything deeply for more than a second or two before there is another zap. Maybe some of these attacks are caused by electromagnetic pollution from all the cell phones and satellites and all that, and maybe not all of it is directed at me personally with the intent to cause harm, but I know that at least some of it is directed at me personally. I am just the same as those people locked in their little society, drugged, unable to see colors, unable to move off the beaten path and do anything forbidden or unusual or dangerous.

When I got home I did google searches – I guess it was the next day – to see about reports of the fireball. I found other web pages talking about other fireballs too, and read them. It was fascinating to see all these different people describing what they had seen, how they had all seen the same thing, where each person had been at the time when this event happened. They all had a shared experience, something happening simultaneously. I was here, on this day.

I remember when the twin towers (and also ANOTHER TOWER that was *NOT* HIT BY A PLANE) WERE SYSTEMATICALLY DEMOLISHED BY PRE-PLANTED BOMBS on September 11th 2001. I remember I was working at State of the Art, Inc. I remember the lady with hyperthyroidism came running in and said that the World Trade Center had been hit by a plane. I remember thinking, ‘The World Trade Center – isn’t that in Chicago?’ But I used to have a photo of the twin towers on my computer desktop at one point in the past, before that, I just didn’t know what they were called.

People remember where they were when some big event happened, and they love to talk about it with other people who were there, or somewhere else, and saw the same thing. I remember when the Challenger shuttle exploded. I didn’t see it when it happened, I saw it being replayed on the news afterwards. I was at school.

People need to share experiences, see the same thing, talk about where they were and what they were doing when it happened. Even if these are minor, everyday experiences, they need to share experiences together. But it helps people bond if they can share *extraordinary* experiences together.

So I think that one reason people of different ages don’t bond as well is because of the lack of shared experiences. If only they spend a lot of time together socially in the same place, doing the same thing, they would bond. Jesse and I have been trying – we’ve been trying to work together in the same place. We loved working at TB together, we loved working at McD together. We want to do our jobs together wherever we are. I am too old to apply to the military, if I had been willing to do so at all – we just found this out, and Jesse was very disappointed that 39 was the age limit.

Even just playing the same video games when you were a child is a shared experience. I feel like my video gaming memories were ‘experiences.’ Remember playing Mario on Nintendo? We all did that. We had Intellivisions and Ataris. Nintendo was actually ‘new’ to me. Nintendo seemed advanced and high-tech for its time. I can’t say, remember when X happened from the 1990s, because I didn’t care as much about anything in the 1990s. NOTHING happened in the 1990s, in my memory. I don’t know where I was. I was in college for a little while, then I dropped out and ended up coming here to State College.

In the 1990s I had alone experiences. I walked alone in
Shepherdstown. I had been ripped away from all my high school mates. But I hadn’t been with them forever either, because I had also been ripped away from elementary school and moved to West Virginia in third grade. I couldn’t say I’d known all these people since kindergarten, but some of them had known each other that long. You feel a certain way when you watch the same people grow up from when they were a baby.

Weird – Adecco just called me on the phone and offered me a
dishwashing job. I said I would take it. But I have to get to the other side of town, which will be interesting. I wasn’t expecting them to call me at all.

I’m going to go ahead and post this unless I remember something else. Oh, I am trying to understand the physics of how things move in GameMaker. ‘Move’ is not like a jet pack, but like a billiard ball. I wasn’t able to understand why things weren’t moving the way I expected, because I imagined that objects had a little jet pack constantly pushing them, when in reality the game is just giving them one hit, one moment of force, like they were struck with a billiard ball. Nothing continues pushing them. There seems to be a glitch, or perhaps I just don’t understand, where objects won’t move at all if they are in a room that says it’s a ‘physics room.’ I could read about what the ‘physics room’ means.

If I wanted things to move, and also respond to gravity, I’d have to 1. make it a NON-physics room, and 2. set the amount of gravity for each and every object individually in the object settings, rather than having them all use the same gravity in the same room universally. I’m able to make them fall in response to gravity, but I cannot make them ‘move,’ which is a specific command that, apparently, hits them like a billiard ball just once. I only figured out that’s how it works, after struggling to understand why things didn’t respond to gravity the way I imagined they would. I was thinking ‘jet packs,’ not ‘billiard balls.’ A jet pack keeps on pushing and pushing against the force of gravity. The game objects will always go up a little way, then fall back down again, as though nothing is continually pushing them. I finally understood.

I don’t know if I feel well enough to try to make games again right now. I still feel sick and I didn’t eat breakfast because I didn’t want to throw up.

Also, I have observed that there is an unknown substance in Starbucks coffee which makes it stronger than normal coffee. No other coffee that I ever buy works as well as Starbucks. I noticed that years and years ago, too. I actually got ‘the shakes’ from drinking Starbucks sometimes, whereas I never shook from drinking ordinary grocery store coffee from familiar brands. I might find stronger coffee if I bought other specialty brands too, I just don’t own a coffeemaker of any kind (for good reason! I’d drink even more! I was using instant all this time).

Anyway, it was the Starbucks bottled ice coffee – not the
frappuccinos, but the iced coffee – that made me go crazy and start downloading dozens of game making programs and being focused enough to do that activity and be computer-aggressive. Marijuana plant growers know this same thing: each and every different breed of plant, the processing methods you use, the age of the batch and how long it’s been sitting around, the temperature and humidity conditions, and all that, all these factors influence what effects you get from using the drug, what *specific* effects, and each effect is specific, unique, and detailed. I don’t use marijuana, but I remember reading about that, about how they tried to breed the plants to achieve particular desired effects and not others. I have the same thing going on with coffee. Starbucks coffee contains an unknown substance in greater proportion than other coffees do, and it causes me to become much more intelligent and aggressive about getting things done, understanding things, taking action, making infrastructure, studying, learning, and so on. I hadn’t had those bottled ice coffees in a long time, but I had bought two of them not long before doing all this. Now watch, after having said this, I’ll go and try to use them again and it won’t work! Maybe it only worked because I had temporarily withdrawn from coffee.

I’m gonna try to do this dishwashing job. The biggest difficulty is getting to the other side of town. I told them I have a limit of five miles, but in reality it might just be a limit of where the buses go. I could theoretically get to Bellefonte if I had to be there at a certain time of day, if I could catch the right bus, I just couldn’t get there anytime I wanted at my own convenience.

I’ll go ahead and post this and then decide what to do about feeling sick and yucky.

GameMaker Studio: something I’m playing with while unemployed

December 1, 2014

GameMaker: Studio - my first practice game, a girl in the woods

1:28 PM 12/1/2014

I wanted to use caffeine to help myself fill out a couple of applications, but as always, that did not work, and instead I spent the caffeine energy doing other things that are totally unrelated to job hunting.  They *could* potentially be related to job hunting if I had infinite time and infinite resources and did not need to start earning money right this instant, but instead had someone paying for my room and board (doesn’t ‘board’ mean food? maybe I should google that).

I downloaded GameMaker: Studio.  But this is a long and complicated story.  First I downloaded a download accelerator called DownloadStudio.  It’s a REALLY great program and it hugely speeds up your downloads.  I chose it after reading comparisons of different software on wikipedia, because download managers sometimes come with adware.  This one does not.

GameMaker said it was going to probably take two hours to download, if I recall, and when I used the download manager, I had it in about fifteen minutes.  Why don’t our computers automatically include a download accelerator on the computer when you buy it, or in the browsers?  Because the people who make our computers are out of touch with reality and don’t know what users want.  I wouldn’t have known that download managers existed, except that I was lucky enough to have a computer literate boyfriend many years ago, and I learned a lot by observing him and getting his help.  Most average users and grandmas don’t know download managers exist, so they are just doing normal downloads and taking two or three hours only to have it cut off somewhere in the middle and be unable to restart.  This is a huge, major part of using a computer, and it ought to be an essential part of the operating system, because people download huge programs all the time.  It has to be able to break the huge file into pieces, download all the pieces simultaneously, and then reassemble the pieces, and pick up where it left off if there is an interruption.  Nothing impossible about that, but it’s not automatically included with Windows.  At least I don’t think it is.

Maybe this isn’t something the average user does daily, but when you do it, it is a HUGE annoyance and extremely frustrating to download it the normal way, all night long, with multiple interruptions and restarts.

I’m having a great time being unemployed, although I didn’t do anything interesting when I was off caffeine, I just slept a lot.  Now that I’m drinking tons of caffeine again I’m suddenly programming video games.  Out of nowhere.  Actually maybe it wasn’t out of nowhere, I think I know what led to it.  A random series of events.  I googled something about how my cats don’t like this particular type of cat food, and I ended up reading a web page made at Angelfire.  Remember Angelfire?  That’s ancient, but it still exists.  It had all these ads on the page, and I touched one of the ads to try to either close it or move it aside, but instead, it opened up the ad.

It was a little farming strategy game.  I forget what it’s called – I’d have to look it up again.  I guess it’s similar to Farmville on facebook.  It’s called Goodgame Big Farm.  You have to give them your email address to play it, and I did, because I guess I was feeling trusting and unsuspicious that day.  I played it for a little while, but lost interest.  I loved Roller Coaster Tycoon, I love the idea of farming in the real world, but for some reason this particular game wasn’t my thing.  Maybe it was too easy.  When I got Rollercoaster Tycoon 2 and started making my own scenarios, I made them extremely hard and almost unwinnable.  Like my life.

(Weird sentence structure today:  short sentences without a predicate, or whatever, the other half of the sentence.  I’ve also been hearing ‘different voices’ who are encouraging me to do this stuff, and they are one of the reasons for the weird sentence structure.  Whenever I was down on my luck – in the past, when I was unemployed and using St. John’s Wort – the voices used to be extremely abusive and horrible.  Now that I am no longer using that particular drug, they aren’t like that.  It used to seem like I was assigned to ‘different people’ if my life circumstances changed, as though I got ‘downgraded’ or something and put in a different category for a different type of treatment.)

After that, ‘they’ prompted me to do some google searches for little free games, and I found something called ‘Knytt,’ after reading a page of reviews about the best free little games.  It’s just a simple little basic game with simple graphics.  You’re a little girl, who sort of looks like a cat, but I think that might be her long hair braid, I’m not sure.  It looks like a little cat with a tail, or a little mouse.  She can climb up walls.  You get to walk all over this alien planet finding things, and it’s nonviolent for the most part, although there are a small number of dangerous animals that will hurt you, but when you die, you just reappear at the last saved game point, and you have infinity lives.  It’s a very nonviolent game, and all the creatures are cute.  I couldn’t figure out how to start the game at first, but all you have to do is click ‘slot 1’ or whatever it says, which is the particular slot where your saved game will go, so that more than one person can save their games at different places.

So I played that game for a couple of hours and finished it.  It’s not extremely long.  It will keep you busy for one afternoon if you have nothing to do for a while.

Apparently then, my mission became to make my own game.  The voices were saying ‘Gamemaker,’ so I googled that and found it.

However, using GameMaker was not a simple thing.  The first one I downloaded was the latest one.  I built a game, but I had to save my game after every tiny little change I made, because it kept crashing spontaneously over and over and over, for no reason, even if it was just sitting there doing nothing.  (‘Oh, it’s 3:05pm, time to crash!’)  I could not even compile and run the game AT ALL – it just wasn’t looking in the right place for the file, or something, and wouldn’t let it make all the extra files that it needs to attach together for it to run.  That latest version of GameMaker is still kind of being worked on, and they said it was stable, but in the forums a lot of people were having major problems with it.  Someone said to just use the older version.  So, after a long struggle, that’s what I did, and it worked.  This was the version that finally worked for me:

When I was frustrated with GameMaker yesterday, I was also very manic, maybe because I hadn’t had caffeine in a long time, or rather, had only had a couple cups of it, so my body still had enough resources for the caffeine to be able to actually WORK.  I depleted all my resources by using such huge amounts of caffeine for so many years.  It really, really is bad for you, and I absolutely do not want to use caffeine while pregnant, but that means I need some way that I can afford to sleep all day, and then sleep again all night, until and unless I can fix my chronic fatigue, and do a decon too, because I have traces of pesticide residues on my clothing and in my bed – I need to buy a vinyl mattress cover, and either wash the blanket super super super thoroughly, or buy a new one.

In the past, my depression and anxiety have magically lifted after I did a decon.  It will help greatly, but I just can’t afford a decon when I have no money to buy all new belongings and all new clothing and new protective items like the vinyl mattress cover.  The poisons go through my skin, constantly, while I’m wearing the clothes or sleeping in the bed, and they do not wash out very well.  I touched my McD uniform and had a reaction to it even though it was washed.  Washing machines recycle the same water for a long time during the wash, because usually it’s harmless and doesn’t matter, but if you are trying to remove a poison, then you need a constant flushing of fresh new water, and that will ‘waste’ a lot of water (‘waste’ is in quotes because water is infinitely recyclable if you have the means to clean it well enough, and the money).

Anyway, when I was installing GameMaker yesterday, and getting frustrated when it didn’t work, I ended up downloading a whole bunch of other game making software, but none of it was really what I wanted.  For some unexplainable reason, I don’t really like the HTML5 games, but that might just be the particular ones I’ve seen.  There’s something about the way it looks and moves that I don’t like, and I also don’t like the particular language – something about the language bothers me, and I prefer the .exe games and words ‘sprite’ and stuff like that – maybe because I’m old, and when I first began, decades ago, I was watching my brother make his little pixellated games with Basic on our ancient PC.

I just have it in my mind that that’s a ‘real’ game.  It’s simple enough that a teenager could do it decades ago.  I wanted to do that kind of thing, at age 40, after having wanted to do it for YEARS, but being too busy working and being exhausted all the time.  The only reason I haven’t progressed in life is chronic fatigue and working too many hours.  I’m very intelligent, if only I can stay awake and have motivation and mental focus.  When I was a child, I was creative, and I drew pictures and wrote fiction stories.  Those pictures and fiction stories would have been perfect for making video games.  My energy was destroyed by a lifetime of poisons and viruses and vaccines and the modern lifestyle and unknown factors.  The ‘modern lifestyle’ includes the fact that we have to pay rent.  I’m whatever that kind of anarchist is that doesn’t believe in land ownership, but I don’t have the details worked out, and it might work best in a society where all the members were a particular group of socionic types that all agreed to not worry about land ownership.  You’d have to be able to choose the socionic types of the members of that society.  And even then, you’d still have to counter-brainwash them to forget the norms of the society they grew up in.

I’ve been reading a lot of interesting stuff during this burst of mania.  I read about the ‘Fermi Paradox’ on a very well-written website that I will have to find again.  I think I wrote it down here.  (For some reason that page appears in dark gray in my opera browser.  I had to click ‘user mode’ to see the writing.)  It asks the question, if our universe is so enormous and so old, then why aren’t we seeing more aliens who grew up before us and are billions of years more advanced than we are?  Shouldn’t they be able to find their way here?

People tried to answer that question by creating hypothetical scenarios.  One idea is called ‘The Great Filter.’

(While manically fantasizing about video games, I imagined making a game of Tardigrades getting through the Great Filter because they can survive in space without air.  Tardigrades can survive just about anything.  Actually, I’m not sure if they are surviving without air, that was just my fantasy for the video game.  The real experiment that I’m thinking of is called ‘TARDIS,’ which stands for Tardigrades In Space, which I found by accident while trying to find out what the Tardis was on Doctor Who.  They were testing what happens when you put tardigrades on a space station or something.  The tardigrade game character would be cute and chubby, although their lack of eyes is a little bit disturbing, so I might take artistic liberty and add some cute little eyes.)

The Great Filter is some unknown event, something huge and unavoidable, which happens again and again to just chop down developing life before it ever gets a chance to become super-advanced.  Perhaps some catastrophic explosions happen regularly and destroy whole regions at a time.  Perhaps planets get crushed by asteroids.  Whatever it is, something happens which the little creatures cannot avoid, and so no one ever gets a chance to become powerful.  I thought of a giant lawnmower, mowing the grass every time it started to get long, before the grass could ever go to seed.  Over and over, the grass tries to grow up fast enough, maybe after this rainstorm, fast enough to make seeds before the lawnmower comes – but no, they are struck down.  Humans have to make seeds and go to other planets in order to increase the chances of extremely long term survival, but even that might not be enough if the cataclysmic event strikes the entire galaxy at once, or just the entire solar system.  They saw these gamma rays coming from out in deep space, as though there had been a huge explosion, beyond the magnitude of anything we can even imagine, and the author of this blog said maybe that could be the Great Filter.

I heard ‘Do You Hear What I Hear?’ when I was shopping.

A star, a star
Dancing in the night
With a tail as big as a kite
With a tail as big as a kite

That could have been a meteor, like most people say nowadays, but it also could have been a UFO.  It’s funny because that blog post mentioned ‘Aliens are already visiting us, but the government is covering it up,’ and he said he mentioned it because he HAD to, but thought the idea was totally idiotic.  And yet, I’m kind of inclined to believe that very thing.  Deep Underground Military Bases really exist, but hardly anyone knows about them.  Mind control really exists, and I’m experiencing it 24 hours a day, but hardly anyone knows it’s real.  Therefore, aliens might just be visiting us and the government is covering that up too.

‘They’ gave me a terrifying image of a giant meteor crashing into earth, which I was seeing at the horizon level, going at an angle, from far away, just a very huge bright light, extremely loud noise, then silence as all the atmosphere was whisked away.  I also watched that movie ‘Melancholia,’ which was symbolic of human relationships, but also literally a very scary idea.  The planets represent people crashing into each others lives, forming unhealthy gravitational attachments, and parasitically clinging to each other, and they parallel the one woman who comes to visit the other woman and starts to sort of dominate her (I forget the details, it was a while ago that I watched it).  Wasn’t it Lars von Trier?  It was some Swedish dude or Dutch guy or whoever, whose movies I’ve seen before, which are always depressing, and if that’s him, he also made ‘Breaking The Waves’ (very depressing) and ‘Dancer in the Dark’ (also depressing, but yet very beautiful).  He’s one of those guys with a snuff fetish.  He’s fascinated with the thought of women dying.

Anyway, ‘UFOs Bringing Jesus’ isn’t that inconceivable to me.  I’m inclined to believe aliens have already been here, although they might not be coming here in huge numbers all the time, I don’t know.  I think they are the reason for some supernatural beliefs, although some of the religious imagery is also secretly hidden symbolism for sex organs, like phallic symbols and labia symbols.  Any angels with wings and cloaks are actually vulvas.  Just look at a vulva and you’ll see the angel there with its cloak/wings spread, welcoming you into the wet, slimy tube of heaven, where all the new souls come from.  What was seen cannot be unseen.

There are a few Christmas songs that I really like, even though I’m an atheist and a reader of ‘The Trouble With Christmas.’  I don’t like hearing them a hundred thousand times for an entire month, but a little bit is okay, and ‘Do You Hear What I Hear?’ is pretty for a while (up till a certain number of iterations: for PlaybackIndex:=1 to 15, IsPretty:=’True.’  I’m being sloppy, but you get the idea.  I’m not actually coding with these gamemakers – they are button-pushing and drag-and-dropping, made for beginners and amateurs).

When I was frustrated with GameMaker not working, in my mania, I downloaded a bunch of other programs, including Unity.  UNITY IS HUGE.  I would not have gotten it without a download accelerator.  It took a million years to unpack everything and install itself even after it was all downloaded onto my computer.  Unity is too much for me at this point.  It’s not made for a beginner.  I can’t just look at it and see how to operate it without reading the instructions, the way I did with GameMaker.

I only had one little struggle with GameMaker – I didn’t know how to add an action to an event, because I thought you had to PUSH those little buttons, but you actually have to DRAG them into the box.  It kept giving me a little circle with a diagonal crossed line meaning ‘you can’t do that’ every time I tried pushing the button.  So I did the tutorial and it explained how to drag and drop, and after that, I was able to figure out most of it myself without instructions.  It’s that easy!  I could write a sales pitch for this software, except for having been traumatized by the constantly crashing, error-prone, unstable latest version.  The older version seems usable so far though.  After I spent hours fooling around with other programs and downloading one after another, only to find that, for instance, something only lets you make HTML5 with the free version, or the interface is hard for me to understand at a glance, or whatever, after all that, this morning I started over, uninstalled GameMaker, downloaded an older version, installed it, and got it working instantly.

I just had drawn my own little sprite, the cartoon for your character or for any other stuff in the game.  In those simple little games, you usually just use a little copy of the same image over and over again, like little brick images repeating in the wall.  I drew a little girl with long hair and brown clothes and bare feet, but I had no idea how tiny she was going to be.  I drew ‘grass’ on little hills for the background.  I just used my mouse, but I’d like to use a… digital pen? stylus? whatever they call it nowadays.  I was googling ‘light pen,’ which is an old-fashioned word for it.  You use a pen to draw on the computer, instead of the mouse, that’s all.  If I had that, I could draw much better.

So I drew a clumsy grassy hill and a tiny little girl the size of a fairy, by accident, and made her walk out onto the grass.  The blades of grass are as big as trees to her.  There might be a way to make her bigger, I just haven’t tried that yet, because I only installed it yesterday/today and was struggling with all the issues and just trying to figure out how to get it to work at all.  (Maybe it will be a game about a little fairy girl who stays that size and just walks around in the giant blades of grass.)

But it worked!  I installed the older version, ran my game, and after figuring out what I had to do, I got her to walk out onto the grass and then just stop.  Nothing happens, but who cares!  I got her to move!  She appeared on the screen, the images were all where I wanted them to be, she moved down the path I set for her – who cares.  I was delighted.  I don’t care how crude and primitive it is.  I’ve never made any game at all before, in all my life, because I was busy having chronic fatigue and wasting time working at my job.  Unemployment is awesome.  I’ll be addicted to unemployment if I feel comfortable taking infinite money from my parents, but I do not feel comfortable doing that, so it won’t last much longer, and I’ll enjoy the time while I have it.  Soon, I will panic as I run out of money, then call my parents in desperation, feeling guilty and horribly ashamed and anxious, and then I’ll panic and fill out an application for some random place and go to work again.  But I will still have GameMaker and DownloadStudio, if I ever have free time again, and if it’s possible for me to be creative and focused without caffeine.  I wish.

(Because I still intend to quit caffeine, it’s just that it’s almost impossible for me to do ANYTHING when I can’t troubleshoot my chronic fatigue.  I don’t have enough money to do a decon or buy special foods.  Troubleshooting my chronic fatigue, without using caffeine, is going to be a HUGE, MAJOR project, because my problems are so deep and so unfixable that I might not ever succeed in making it better, I may just have to merely treat the symptoms forever, or just live a life of sleeping all day and all night.)

I actually have millions of ideas for video games.  There are so many, I can’t make them all, especially when I’m just learning the basics.  I love the idea of educational games, games that teach you a practical skill.  After watching dear Jesse struggling with math while studying for the ASVAB, I imagined math games.  They would not be dumbed-down and childlike, but actually challenging, and would require you to use the process over and over again until you knew it and could do it quickly.  They could be made for ANY level of math all the way up to super-expert-calculus-vector-matrixes and what not.  Anything.

Vector matrixes or matrices, whatever they are called, are something I looked up in a book a few years ago, because something said you should study those if you want to understand electromagnetic fields and waves.  I never learned how to do them, because I was still stuck on page 1 or page 2 of the book, trying to follow the steps of the proof he was giving, and he made some kind of intuitive leap that I could not follow without an explanation, and FINALLY, after, like, WEEKS of being stuck on page 1 or page 2 or whatever it was, I FINALLY understood the reason why this proof worked.  It was some kind of method for multiplying vectors or something, and you use a trick where you just add some numbers together or do something weird, I forget what, and I couldn’t understand why that trick worked, so I had to struggle through the proof for weeks, and finally I saw something on the page where he was talking about that, but I hadn’t understood.

That is my pattern of studying math, and I did it that way all the way back in high school calculus class.  I’d study some explanation for weeks until I understood it, while the rest of the class had moved on to a new lesson every day, and I’d be weeks behind the rest of the class.  This method worked for me – I scored a 5 out of 5, the highest possible score on the AP Calculus test.  Who would think that the girl who never did any homework and was struggling with some concept from weeks ago would be able to get such a high score on the test?  This is one of the few achievements in my life that I can brag about.  I can’t brag about much else in my life, but till the end of eternity no one can change the fact that I scored a 5 on the AP Calculus test, so I’ll brag about that.

I was always under horrible stress about never doing any of my homework in school, and every once in a while, ‘they’ give me a dream at night where I remember that feeling, that sensation of being in that world, where you have six or seven different classes and dozens of pages of homework and essays and you haven’t been doing any of it for MONTHS and there is NO WAY that you can possibly catch up to where you are supposed to be – especially if you’re a perfectionist and you want everything done right.  It used to cause me physical pain to do anything imperfectly or sloppily or half-assed.  In the dreams, I would always have to drop out of my college classes because I hadn’t even attended them for months, although in reality I actually attended the classes, I just didn’t do any work.  I actually wanted to do every single assignment and do it perfectly until it was complete and until I understood it, and I could not fake understanding – it had to be real.  I could not let go of something and move on to the next lesson if I hadn’t completely and perfectly understood every bit of the lesson I was stuck on.  If I didn’t understand how Step 1 leads to Step 2, or how Step 17 leads to Step 18, I would stick to it for weeks or months until I did, but that meant I could never turn any homework in.  Eventually I dropped out of college…

I wasn’t able to memorize anything.  I was very uncomfortable about memorizing something I didn’t understand.  So I would re-derive a formula by rewriting the proof, every time I needed to use a formula that I couldn’t remember.  I could not memorize shortcuts.  I still remember trying to memorize the quadratic formula, the one that lets you solve any equation, trying to understand the proof of why that equation works, the x = +/- (the square root of)(something blah blah)(divided by something blah blah).  I still cannot remember.  I used to try to re-derive the proof for that every time I needed to use that equation to solve something!

I know what to expect from Jesse after being with him almost a year now.  He goes through phases where he won’t talk to me, and there is some reason for it, but I can expect him to talk to me again.  He texted me a couple days ago and explained that I was a distraction to him.  I really was distracting him instead of helping him when I was there when he studied math.  Every once in a while, I answered a question about something if he really couldn’t get it on his own from the math website that he was working on.  He was using something called ‘March2Success,’ which has a bunch of tutorials to give you ASVAB test practice.  (Living here in Denialville, being unemployed and not worrying about where my money will come from, I can also deny that Jesse is going into the military and might die or move far away and change everything, so that I have to either follow him or let him go alone.)

I’m going to post this, which will make me remember a bunch of stuff that I forgot to say.  Basic summary: the last few days I suddenly went back to using tons of caffeine after being off it for several days, which caused it to actually WORK again, and suddenly I became manic, and was fooling around, downloading software, learning to make a very simple game, and reading lots of weird stuff about the Fermi paradox, and I also spent many hours watching some lady on Youtube because I did a google search for ‘Weston Price kids,’ and she’s feeding her kids the Weston Price diet.  She seemed like an LSE.  Apparently Delta ST mothers have no problem accepting the idea of special diets to treat behavior problems and other stuff without scientific proof from the mainstream establishment.  It doesn’t particularly bother us that the official scientists tell us it doesn’t work, because we’re seeing with our own eyes that it DOES work, and that’s all we need.  I dunno, maybe that’s not all Delta STs, but anyway.

I never had the slightest doubt that Weston Price was true, although I considered that he might have cherry-picked the healthiest looking people for his photos, and didn’t photograph the worst ones.  But after reading that other anthropologists had noted exactly the same thing, I never worried about it again.  It’s not just Weston Price, it was a lot of people who noticed that primitive people living a pre-contact lifestyle with zero modern foods and zero modern consumer goods had healthy bodies that were perfectly formed, including zero dental cavities and wide mouths with no need for orthodontic braces.  OF COURSE this is true.  (Note:  it is NOT true if you look at groups of people who have some contact with the modern world, buying white flour at the store and so on, buying tobacco and liquor.  Just because they belong to a tribe doesn’t make them primitive enough for this.  They have to be extremely isolated zero-contact tribes.)  It seems so inevitable and so real to expect that this would happen.

Why do we instinctively feel that people with these deformities are ‘ugly?’  Because they’re not supposed to be that way, and we didn’t evolve that way, and the body isn’t supposed to form that way, therefore something is WRONG.  Something unnatural is happening.

Then there are some very dramatic pictures on the website, where there was a big area sprayed with pesticides in Montana, and the whitetail deer started having weird facial deformities similar to humans.  They showed a wild deer with big, crooked, buck teeth sticking out of its mouth.  That never happens just at random from the ‘DNA lottery,’ it happens when they are exposed to either toxic chemicals, malnutrition, or both.

There are other things that cause deformities in animals.  I was reading about the Eskimo Sled Dog recently, and one web page said that that dog isn’t prone to hip dysplasia, a deformity of the hip joints, the way that other dog breeds are.  I just read recently that hip dysplasia is caused by spaying and neutering your pets before their bones have fully grown up.  They need those hormones to develop fully, and when you chop off those body organs, their bodies don’t develop, they get deformities, and they become severely obese or moderately obese.  Chopping off sources of hormones doesn’t make you healthy.  I wonder if maybe they aren’t spaying and neutering the sled dogs as much as we do down here in the south.  Then again, maybe it really is breed DNA that makes our dogs more prone to it, but I’m inclined to think there are other reasons besides DNA.

Oh well, like I said, I’m going to post this.  I’m on tons of caffeine right now, and don’t know what I’ll do for the rest of the day.  I’ll play with GameMaker Studio a little bit.  I hope to fill out some job applications too.  I love unemployment.  I wish that the world worked the way I think it should, where people don’t pay rent.  Yes, that could be a video game too.  Create a world simulation where X is true.  Or I could make an educational game teaching you how hard it is to pay the bills in real life.  You’d make the mistake of buying nothing but beans and rice at the grocery store, and then the character’s health would decline, you’d be plagued with intense and unbearable cravings, you’d suffer fatigue, and so on.  Maybe the character would become inoperable, so that you could no longer control it and it didn’t obey you anymore.  That’s my whole problem – I can’t just push a button and force myself to do things that I wish I could do.  My body doesn’t obey.  So a realistic character would be stubborn and reluctant to move, or downright unable to move, no matter how you forced it, if it was in ill health.  In the game, the character would just start making impulse buys and getting a chocolate bar at the checkout line, even if you told it not to!  You’d lose control.  That’s how hunger and addictions are.

Programming a game makes you start to see the whole world in terms of code.  Conner the cat follows a strange path and does this ritual when he wants to go outside – he must walk over here to this location, jump to the top of this chair, then jump down to the floor when you are opening the door.  That’s ‘follow path.’  There’s no reason why he must climb to the top of the chair and then jump down, he just always does it that way out of habit for some reason.

Many games are so *conventional*.  They fit them into these categories, and then everyone makes a game for that category, and it’s always shoot-em-up, and so on.  Fight this battle.  I prefer less violent games.  I love exploration games, and I also like the idea of things growing and developing.  Nurture games.  I’m a woman.  Maybe I could make womanly games, and they’d be a popular niche because no one else is making womanly games!