Archive for October, 2016

Jesse: no food for 45 days?

October 31, 2016

So, Jesse has been having trouble in the army. He smoked pot and got caught on a drug test. Now he’s being punished. For 45 days, he says they are taking ALL of his paycheck, not just half of the paycheck like this page says:

So, he will have not just half of his paycheck – he will have nothing, no money at all, according to what he says. He could be wrong – maybe he misunderstood something. Then again, they could actually be doing that.

Well, in addition to that, he says he’s not allowed to eat at the DEFAC. So, he has no money to buy food, and he also isn’t allowed to eat at the dining hall. That would be fine if he had all of his free time to go out looking around for food and asking people elsewhere for help, but no, he doesn’t have free time – he will be required to work 7 days a week, starting at 5am until 11pm, with a 6 hour break in between, because the army says that 6 hours is all a soldier needs.

The only thing he can do is ask his friends for help. I myself don’t have any money at all. I maxed out my credit card too. I was helping him last week because his car got impounded, and the only reason I had an extra $200 was because Mom and Dad sent me some money. They don’t know what I spent it on.

I was going to go to church today but I was sick

October 30, 2016

11:28 AM 10/30/2016

I had been planning to go to the UU church this morning, but I was sick, so I slept in. I don’t have to go to work until 3:30 or 4:00, although I want to leave early so that I can wash my hair before work. If I had some kind of hat I wouldn’t need to wash my hair. I used to just wear my hat over it at McDonald’s.

However, I hate all hats, passionately. I did see one that was a food service hat without a hat brim, and it wasn’t too bad – it was made of soft fabric, not made out of baseball hat fabric. I am not joking, all baseball hats are the stupidest, ugliest, foulest things on earth and that is the last hat on earth that I would ever want to wear.

In reality, I do not need a hat, but I work with people who have commented about my hair not being washed. These people have been brainwashed to believe that all hair must be kept perfectly washed at all times using any means necessary, and if it is not washed, something needs to be done about it. A long time ago, I believed the same, but I have been through many experiences since then, and I have changed.

I just have some kind of a cold. My nose is stuffy and I’m more tired than usual. Jacob has been sneezing.

I am lying naked in the dim, slanted sun with my tent door open, on a pile of blankets, as I type this. The thermometer above me says it is almost 80 degrees. Today is October 30th. This is a bit odd, I think.

I wish I could write about what’s bothering me. I am having a problem at work. The problem is really socionics. I just don’t like this person’s way of doing things. I preferred the ways I was taught to do things in the beginning, and not merely because I learned them first. They are more convenient for me in many ways. Also, I liked the way they were presented to me better. A new person has come in, my socionic supervisee – one of the not-so-good relations, although it’s usually okay on the social level – I can have good conversations with this person, but I don’t like being told what to do by him. I don’t like his way of doing things and don’t like it that he’s coming in here and trying to change all our procedures and telling everyone to do everything differently.

I actually got very angry the other day when someone else told me to do something differently than I usually did it, differently than the way I had originally been shown how to do it. I’m not sure why I was able to get that angry over such a small thing, but it could have been the beginning of PMS – I am starting to just barely feel a small amount of menstrual cramping. It was a much stronger anger than was justified under the circumstances. I actually felt an adrenaline rush. Also, I am getting exposed to tobacco every time I go to the laundromat, because people smoke in the bathrooms, and that’s where I have to wash my hair and take my sink baths. So tobacco is definitely an influence, and it’s also the reason why my caffeine cravings are still going on – tobacco causes me to crave caffeine. Tobacco also causes me to have irritable moods.

I am not just anti-differentness or anti-change. I don’t mind changes of how we do things, if they are presented to me by the right person in the right way (for me – I don’t mean there is such thing as an objective ‘right way’ for everybody), and if there is a reason for them that I agree with. If I do not agree with the reason for doing things this way, and if I do not agree with the consequences and the values of doing it that way, then I am very reluctant to start doing it that way.

Some of it is the values behind it. I don’t value the same things they value, in the same way.

There are a few times when I have learned something from someone that made it easier. For instance, I once saw Mike washing the cucumbers in a particular container that they all fit into easily. So I started using that same container afterwards. It was kind of like ‘Oh, I won’t get in trouble if I use that one? Okay.’

I don’t know why, but for some reason, I have a hard time getting a different kind of container for a task than the one that I’m accustomed to using. If that particular kind of container isn’t available, then I am confused for several minutes, but there is a reason for this – it’s partly because I am afraid that somebody is going to jump on me and tell me that I’m doing it wrong. I do not feel that I have the freedom and safety to just do whatever is necessary to get the task done, in whatever way I want to get it done. So I am afraid of using the wrong kind of container or the wrong kind of tools and having someone stop me in the middle of what I’m doing and telling me to do it a different way than I am doing it. I’m not sure if this fear actually was given to me at this particular restaurant, or at some other job I had in the past.

It’s also because the task that I am doing is pointless and based on an irrational germ phobia, and if the entire task that I am doing is pointless, then maybe people are going to have pointless and irrationally phobic requirements about what kind of container I am allowed to use. The cucumbers come to us individually wrapped in plastic. We have to cut them open, and then wash them with vegetable sanitizer, and then peel them, and then slice them with the mandolin (a little device that cuts them into thin strips or ‘julienne’). These are for the sushi.

Because they are for the sushi, and sushi is raw, and they have irrational phobias about germs associated with raw foods, we have to be extremely careful about how we handle the cucumbers while sanitizing them, which is one reason why I was afraid I might get in trouble for using some other kind of container that wasn’t
specifically designed for sushi-related foods and cucumbers, and I was always struggling to sanitize them in small containers that they didn’t fit into, because those containers were used for sushi-related products.

I am too tired to go on a giant rant about where germs come from in reality, and when they are dangerous and when they are not dangerous. At Kaarma restaurant, I once had a bowl of food sitting at the edge of the sink. Agustin, of all people, lifted a container with dripping raw chicken blood over my bowl of food and put it into the sink. Afterwards, I came back and saw the drops of chicken blood going over my food (and it was mixed with this other stuff that they use for seasoning, so it was easier to see, but I knew raw chicken blood was in there). I just scooped them off with a spoon as well as I could, and then ate the food. I had a small amount of diarrhea later on, which happened only once and then was gone. I am not worried about germs.

There are things that I do worry about, but it depends on the situation. I am not the least bit concerned about what is on our cucumbers and what surfaces our cucumbers touch before they get on the sushi, unless it is something egregiously disgusting, like a dirt-covered floor with gross filth on it. ‘Gross filth’ means ‘large visible objects,’ like rocks and wads of hair, truly disgusting stuff. And there are people and animals who eat foods that have gross filth on them and they either spit it out or swallow it, which is too much for me personally, but they survive.

People have been taught that ‘raw foods’ are all deadly, especially raw meat. Fish contains PARASITES, not germs. Parasites are the most important thing you will experience while eating raw meats and raw fish, and I don’t get noticeable parasites from our fish. Those are already in the fish before it reaches us. They are trivial and nonlethal. If you would get a fish-covered surface that theoretically had a parasite capsule on it, and then put other raw foods on it, and then eat those raw foods, so that you would have a fish parasite when you were only eating a sushi that contained vegetables and you weren’t anticipating a fish parasite from eating vegetables, the effects would be so trivial you would not even notice them.

99.99999999999% of people aren’t aware of getting parasites and aren’t able to distinguish the difference between a normal, unexplained, general, vague ‘I feel sick’ versus being able to describe all the nuances of all the sensations of parasites digging into their intestines and traveling through their bloodstream to various parts of their body, as I myself am able to describe and observe. I have experienced it, I can describe it, it is uncomfortable, it is unpleasant, and it is NONLETHAL AND TEMPORARY in such small

I have eaten raw meat for testing purposes, raw grass-fed beef without hormones or antibiotics, just to see what kind of parasites are in it, and I did get parasites. I ate only a few small bites of meat. I couldn’t sleep that night because I could feel parasites digging around in me causing uncomfortable sensations, and they are not merely in the intestines, they go all over the body into places where they don’t belong. This lasts for a few hours, and it will cause you to lose sleep that night. Then it goes away, you survive, and you go back to normal. It may reawaken again a few weeks later, because the parasites seem to lay eggs that take a few weeks to hatch – that is my theory for why they suddenly reawaken again sometimes. So you may have another sleepless night of these sensations. Then you go back to normal and it never happens again. All you have to do is endure it and it goes away.

It can kill you if you eat a large amount of meat that contains trichinosis, and this will usually be an animal that has been eating other animals. It killed some people who made cougar jerky. I don’t know if the jerky was raw or cooked, but I only know this is an example of what can happen. Some people in Nunavut or somewhere also died of botulism from eating a whale that had been lying on the beach already dead before they found it. They didn’t kill the whale, it had died of some other cause, and its body had enough time to start filling up with botulin toxin, because the inside of the body had no exposure to oxygen.

It does seem strange to me that they got botulism from that, and I don’t know what part of the body they ate, but again, this was a story I read. So there are a few circumstances where you can actually die from something you eat, either from parasites or bacteria. Botulism is the worst germ, and all the other germs are trivial in comparison. Listeria, they say, can kill you, and people get listeria from drinking PASTEURIZED MILK which has been cooked to allegedly kill bacteria, but the disgusting conditions that milk is produced in give it so much bacteria that merely cooking the milk is apparently not enough to magically fix everything.

The only thing we have that is truly dangerous (on EXTREMELY RARE OCCASIONS) is our scallions. Scallions have a physical structure that catches mud in between the leaves which is hard to wash out. This mud comes from a field which is the very essence of ‘unsanitary
conditions,’ because they are grown on a conventional factory farm. Human feces are used as fertilizer on these fields, and also animal feces, and liquid hog manure. I do not believe in using any form of manure as a fertilizer on fields. Manure is something that should just dry up and be left wherever it sits, and let it fertilize the fields in that manner. It should not be all collected together, because animals aren’t supposed to be confined in a location where their manure is easy to collect into a huge pile. They are supposed to roam in the fields, where their manure will be scattered all over the place, hard to collect. It’s fine when it fertilizes a field by being scattered all over the field and left there to dry out on its own. It is NOT okay when it’s all collected from confined animals and put into a pool of water where it is left to fester and grow more bacteria in a warm liquid environment, the worst possible place for bacteria.

And so, for that reason, people have gotten extremely sick by eating RAW VEGETABLES, in things like salads – salad lettuce, the most harmless thing you can imagine, or raw scallions, because they have human sewage and liquid hog manure thrown on them and it goes into those little crevices in the scallions. If your scallions are grown in a manure-free environment (again, I seriously am opposed to ALL MANURE OF ANY KIND being used to grow food – it doesn’t belong there, and some other substance should be used, such as the leafy mulch from the floor of a forest) then they’re perfectly safe.

I do not have the location or tools where I can effectively wash the scallions. I would need an object with holes in it, but not a sieve – it needs to be a large flat surface, not a small round surface. I do not actually care about this very much and I am only being a devil’s advocate to make a point – they are worrying like crazy about the things that aren’t dangerous, while totally oblivious to one of the things that has actually made people sick in reality. And merely rinsing the outside surface with sanitizer would do nothing. The overlapping leaves of the scallions need to be dismantled on this large surface with holes in it, and then sprayed so that the mud washes out and down through the holes. If you don’t get the mud out of the crevices, then merely rinsing sanitizer over the external surfaces will do absolutely nothing. I have been able to effectively spray the hose into those crevices and get some of the mud out, but the best thing to do would be to actually source our scallions from suppliers that never, ever use any form of human sewage or manure on the fields.

The only reason they don’t worry about this is because the scallions are cooked. But we do use some scallions as a garnish. Again, I’m totally being devil’s advocate because I absolutely do not care about this and don’t even think it’s a real danger. The amount of scallions used raw as garnish is extremely small. I’m just demonstrating that the things they worry about, and the things they overlook, are out of balance and extremely tilted towards worrying about unnecessary things that are not a danger. Cucumbers don’t have any crevices to catch mud (and human feces). They are smooth objects, and they don’t lie down on the ground – they hang on the plants. Maybe they do lie on the ground, I don’t know. But they have no crevices to catch anything, so even if a listeria-filled AIDS-infested leper pooped directly on top of a cucumber, it would be easily washed off with a little bit of water. And then we peel them anyway.

The point is, people should not use manure in any form whatsoever to fertilize fields, because they are incapable of doing it right. There is such thing as a right way to use manure. If you had solid, dried out manure that had been left exposed to the air, all by itself, not collected in a pool of warm water, and if it had time to dry out and age, then yes, maybe it would be suitable, but they never, ever do it that way.

I’m hungry and grouchy and I need to take a bath and I was too sick to get up and go to church today. I really wanted to try to go to the UU church. I just felt like a train ran over me when I got up. I still don’t feel all that great even though it’s 80 degrees and I’m lying in the sun.

It’s a year for deer ticks. I have never, ever, ever, ever
encountered so many deer ticks at any time in my entire life, never. I have found dozens and dozens of them. They have been crawling on me and I have seen them crawling up the fabric of the tent. Jacob has had a few ticks too, but I’m accustomed to seeing them on the animals. I have been bitten by two of them, which means I now have two itchy spots that are going to remain big itchy lumps for many months, up to a year. They disappear slightly, but then reappear every time I get sick – every time my immune system is activated.

Thankfully I am not paranoid about Lyme disease. I believe what I read – that the only thing that causes you to get the symptoms of Lyme disease is if you get vaccinated against it. If you get Lyme disease, it is a silent disease with no symptoms. If you get vaccinated, it makes your immune system overreact to it, so you get horrible symptoms. I’m going with that theory. I am doing nothing at all to treat the tick bites, just leaving them alone. I didn’t even try to wash them with any kind of disinfectant. I just let them go.

This is why I do not really accept the label of myself as a
‘hypochondriac.’ I am a highly sensitive person who observes and comments upon all of my symptoms and sees the connections between something I did, and a symptom I experienced. That is not the same thing at all as being petrified with helpless terror every time I get the slightest bit sick. Being terrified, versus making an
observation, are two completely different things. If I were terrified, then I would be going to the doctor all the time and demanding medicine and I would be taking every single over-the-counter drug in existence. I never even use cold medicine to treat a cold.

I could actually relate to the book ‘Science and Health’ or whatever it’s called, by Mary Baker Eddy (socionics type ESTP-SLE), which inspired the Christian Science religion. I haven’t read the whole book, I just dabbled in it a bit. Basically the point of that book is that if you just ignore the overwhelming majority of minor illnesses and injuries, they will just go away, and that even includes some illnesses that are rather serious or sometimes deadly. I do not use this as evidence that ‘prayer works,’ but rather, that most illnesses and minor injuries are nonlethal.

It might be possible to use your own mind to mentally fight a disease, but not in an environment where we are being constantly bathed in unnatural electromagnetic waves that interfere with our brains and bodies. I do not disagree entirely with the premise that ‘prayer works’ just as ‘meditation works’ to cure disease. It might indeed. I cannot do it because I am being zapped with electromagnetic attacks every couple seconds. Maybe if I were not, I, too, would be able to cure my own illnesses using my mind.

She also says in that book that doctors have caused more deaths than war and any other horrors that happen to us on this earth, and I agree with that, too. I have seen other authors who say the same thing in modern times.

I guess I need to get up and get ready to leave. I’m going to wash my hair today. I need some kind of head covering, but the type of head covering that I want isn’t sold in the stores around here. I would have to make it or buy it online. I just want a piece of fabric wrapped over my head so that nobody is able to complain about the fact that my hair isn’t washed.

It’s eighty degrees and I’m still lying naked in the sun, although it’s going through the leaves now and isn’t hitting me as directly as it was before. Why should I have to get up and go to work today? I need to work for myself. I would be working on a different schedule, but they already told me I could not have those days off. I need to have three or four days in a row. Paul is also saying exactly the same thing – he doesn’t want to work full time, he wants to have a lot of days off. I totally, completely agree with everything he has said about this, and I have done the same thing in the past when I worked at McDonald’s and Taco Bell, where they have enough people that you are able to be gone and someone will cover you. These are
non-specialized jobs where they don’t really need a specific expert with a specific skill. Cooking at this particular restaurant is slightly more specialized – they need to know particular things, although one thing I like about what Dave is doing is, he’s demanding that everything be written down so that you can see the recipe somewhere. I like that too. It should be clear to everyone how stuff is done.

Okay, I’m getting up now. I don’t want to.

Where is this going? I told John I wasn’t moving out of Pennsylvania just yet. I’m not leaving, I’m staying. How long? Until when? How will I keep Jacob warm? I know I can stay warm, but I need to protect Jacob when it gets cold. I’m not the problem. He is. I have already slept in the winters three times. I use a large number of sleeping bags inside each other, and large amounts of that foam insulation for camping, sometimes stuffed inside my sleeping bag with me so the foam insulation is around me directly. It works great. But a cat needs something he can go inside of easily and he can’t pull blankets over himself. I do leave the tent door open a bit and he goes in and out, but that’s not enough – he must be warm inside the tent.

Okay, I’m leaving now. But I need to know: how is this going to end? Where am I going with this? And when?

Okay, I’m at Sheetz now. What I mean is, I know there will be a time of crisis. I won’t be able to get Maki Yaki to agree to my needs, which means I will have to quit or be fired, because as it gets colder, my situation will become an emergency, and I will need more free time to take action to make my tent livable. I will need to put insulation around it or make something for Jacob to get into. I only know, there will be a crisis in the next couple of months, because I will desperately need more time off. I compromised by letting them make me work that extra day, but I really needed three days off in a row. Soon, it will matter – I will be worrying about doing what needs to be done to get settled for the winter.

I should have been here all year long. I should not have been at Mike & Eric & Jason’s house. If I had been here all spring and all summer, I would have had plenty of time to build my stick house. But then again, I was working at Kaarma, so I had absolute zero free time during that period. I should have been here even earlier than that. By now, I should have been hunting and gathering. I live in WALNUT SPRINGS PARK. There are WALNUTS here. Walnuts are edible and extremely nutritious. I could eat walnuts and squirrels!

And now, all of a sudden, I’m here right in the fall, during a time when I have a non-ideal schedule, working just a little too much at a job where I feel like I am sort of persona non grata, I’m not welcome. I wondered why all of a sudden people were sort of turning against me. I don’t know what happened. ‘They’ suggested that possibly I had been accused of stealing. I am not stealing, and in fact, if there was anyone stealing, I would think it was Suk, not me. Maybe she’s the one who accused me of stealing. I have no idea, this is just something ‘the voices’ suggested might be going on. People have been making things disappear, stupid little things, like the papers that all the recipes were written on, and some small soup bowls, and someone broke the brand new sprayer on the faucet. It’s really helpful to have a sprayer on that particular faucet for various reasons. Suk broke it on a day when she was using the sink and people kept changing it back to the shower sprayer setting when she wanted it on the regular spray setting. Then somebody broke the new one on the very first day we were using it. Was Suk there that day? I don’t know.

Well, it’s pouring rain now and everything will be soaked at home. I have a place where the tarp over the tent needs to be adjusted because it’s letting too much rain around the edge of the tent near where the door is, so the spray from the rain is getting in the door where Jacob’s cat flap is open. I can’t shut the door all the way. Everything is in plastic bags in the tent, but still, the sleeping bags in particular get wet underneath. I can still sleep in them, especially when it’s this hot outside.

‘Goldenberries’ are not edible by themselves. They need to be treated like a sundried tomato – used mixed with other foods in cooking, in the same way you would use sundried tomatoes. They need to be chopped into smaller pieces, because one goldenberry is too much sourness for one mouthful. It’s like a tomato with a little bit of sugar in it, basically. I bought them out of curiosity. I can see that they are a tomato because they have a green tomato paper wrapping around them in the picture, just like Japanese lanterns or whatever they’re called. I bought a whole bunch of dried fruits and nuts and some different kinds of meat sticks. I bought dried mulberries, too, and they’re really good this time. I’m glad I tried them again. I bought a particular brand elsewhere, and they had a disgusting smell, very similar to dried saliva, like when you’re kissing someone and getting spit all over your face. It smelled like that. I don’t know why. I couldn’t eat them and I got rid of them, although the mouse in the bedroom at Black Bear Lane liked them when I put them on the floor. This time, the different brand of organic mulberries from Turkey (just like the last ones – organic white mulberries from Turkey, but different brand) don’t smell like dried saliva, they smell like nothing in particular, just berries. I can eat them and they are very good.

I defeated The Destroyer now too

October 27, 2016

It was much less dramatic than winning against Skeletron Prime. I forgot to mention, the first thing that happened while fighting Skeletron was, I threw my bow away. I was holding it in my hand, and I couldn’t find the button to ‘buff,’ drink all my potions at once, so I smashed a bunch of buttons down at once, and I hit the ‘throw item’ button. So I had to spend a terrified minute running around the arena looking for where I threw my bow.

But nothing really happened with The Destroyer. I got killed a couple times and had to do it again. That’s a pain because you have to build the little gadget that summons the monster, and you have to go collect souls and stuff to make the gadget. So I had to find Souls of Night. But I got them, made the destroyer summoner, and fought him and won. No big deal.

Now I have to fight something in the jungle – I think it’s Plantera. But for now, I’m just cleaning out all my trunks of garbage. I have dozens of trunks filled with stuff which has been there from the beginning, stuff like ‘small copper shortsword,’ things I had from when the character first started this world. I’m selling those things just to clean up and make more room. It’s impossible to find anything in all those chests and I’m never going to do anything with most of it other than be nostalgic. I do have one character who is building a showpiece world with beautiful things, but that’s not this particular character. This one is just on the quest to do all the things and win.

I had to run a couple errands today and I got them done… it’s never enough. I am not really done.

I just defeated Skeletron Prime

October 25, 2016

I know this doesn’t matter much to the universe, but I defeated Skeletron Prime in Terraria. I gave up on trying to defeat the mechanical monsters in hardmode, so Terraria just sat there with a high level character who sat and did nothing for months and months because I just couldn’t make myself try again. So, tonight, ‘they’ suggested I look at a youtube video of someone defeating him. I knew it was possible to make a monster killing arena, but I never made one very well – I tried to make one and it wasn’t good enough. I watched this video and mainly I was just inspired by the way the arena was built, so I built my own. Then I added some heart statues, which put out hearts that heal you every few seconds, so that I could heal my wounds frequently.

Everything was going quite well, and I was becoming more sure I could beat him. It was the longest I had ever lasted against him. The arena enabled me to move around freely through platforms while flying up and down. I was firing arrows at him with my special purple bow – I forget what it’s called, the deathbow or something. It changes all arrows into purple death arrows. I know I just looked at it a few minutes ago but I can’t remember what it’s called. It fires repeatedly if you just hold the button down. It was the best bow for the job.

I was getting closer and closer to killing him. The light was slowly brightening, meaning that morning was coming, and the monster disappears in the morning – you can only fight it at nighttime. It was about to disappear, but I was so close to killing it!

Then, the unthinkable happened – I ran out of arrows. I RAN OUT OF ARROWS. Why isn’t this bow shooting? Click, click, why isn’t it working? Zero arrows!!! Oh no!!!! What do I do! I sat there for a second in shock, helpless, and then I started flying after him waving my scimitar for all I’m worth, just jumping directly into the skull not worried about how badly it was hurting me, trying to heal myself, refresh all my strength-enhancing potions, catch all the hearts coming out of the statues, and just wave and wave the sword at him, flying after him as he flew away, as the morning light began to brighten and his hit points were so low it was a tiny red bar……

Skeletron Prime has been defeated! Souls of Fright were floating in the air for me to pick up.

I was actually a little tiny bit disappointed – I can’t really make anything awesome yet with the souls of fright, but I need them for later and will have to get more souls from other stuff to make the things I need. But still – after waiting all these months since last winter, maybe in February or so when I last played the game, I forget – finally I made a little progress with that poor character who just sat around miserable hating the world because it’s in hardmode now and everything sucks and she wasn’t able to defeat any more of the hard monsters.

I can go home tonight and rest peacefully in my tent, knowing that skeletron prime… might, actually, respawn at random on any given night…. hey, wait a minute… I’d better make some more

Mace residues in the Maki Yaki bathroom

October 24, 2016

During the football game riots, people came into the bathroom at work and were trying to wash the mace off themselves. I forgot all about it until just now when I heard someone at the laundromat saying he got maced. Then I realized, that’s why my eyes are burning right now. I thought it was from cutting onions at work, but I had gloves on, and I’ve never felt my eyes burning after actually leaving the area where I was cutting onions, even if I wiped it into my eyes. I must have touched the door handle of the bathroom and then wiped my eyes with my hands. My eyes were burning persistently for a long time after I left work. They still are kind of burning now. It’s mace contamination. We’re going to have to clean the bathroom and wipe down all the surfaces people were touching. My hands are burning and itching too.

The hackers who deleted my opera rss feeds did it wrong; hormone milk is affecting me

October 24, 2016

I noticed suddenly in the last couple weeks that all my old RSS posts had been deleted and I was only getting the newest ones. It suddenly happened by itself, which means, hackers. I didn’t get upset about it, because that is something that I sometimes do anyway. But they did it wrong. Now it’s all disorganized and it’s lost some important piece of information that organizes it. You can’t just delete the whole thing without understanding it. I don’t know how it works. I don’t know what they did, but now, all the RSS feeds are unable to sort properly. So they are all mixed together.

I bought hormone milk again today. The only reason I am buying hormone milk frequently is because I am not located next to any places that sell organic milk. I used to be able to get organic half and half at McClanahan’s, but now I’m next to a different McClanahan’s and this particular store doesn’t have organic cream. I don’t want to go several blocks farther every day when I am trying to get to work on time. So I am sometimes drinking hormone-filled factory farm cream or milk.

Well, I went a day or two without it, and got it again today, and suddenly noticed that it affected my feelings towards my crush. I have noticed that hormone milk causes me to have hormone-induced effects, not just arousal but a sort of clinginess. However, the effect is not so bad that I absolutely have to stop drinking it. I am only taking note of the fact that it’s affecting me.

I wish I could spend some time with him *before* I ovulate. I’m approaching my menstrual period now, in the second half of my cycle, and I’m not sexually attractive to anybody at the moment, but I still want comfort and touch.

I think there’s an ENTP there (semi-dual). I don’t know him well and have only talked to him a couple times. He was talking about playing video games in competitions and getting paid to do it, but he said his parents didn’t approve and they deleted his video gaming accounts, so he had to start all over from scratch (but obviously, didn’t stop doing it).

I have never actually tried to have an intimate relationship with a socionic identical and actually spend time alone with them having physical contact and sex with them. I have had quite a few male friendships with identicals – the guys I was living with before I went camping just now. Maybe they weren’t Asian enough. I sincerely do love foreign people and different-looking people.

It’s so pretty outside, I should go into the woods and clear the weeds. I was halfheartedly clearing a space for a new house. However, it’s unlikely I’ll be able to build this new house before it gets cold outside, and when it’s so cold that I can no longer work outdoors, the housebuilding will be abandoned as usual. I have tried several times to build a house in the woods, out of sticks and stones and clay and natural materials. The only compromise I might allow on the natural materials is, I might buy ropes and strings from the store, because I do not yet have a source of large amounts of natural fibers for making rope, or a place where I am able to make this rope. That could be done *in the house* after it’s built, though. I’m transitioning.

I wonder if anybody is Asia is interested in rewilding and primitive skills? I was thrilled to find a few youtube videos about organic farming in Asia. I’m glad it’s becoming a trend over there, too. They need it even more than we do. They have much more pollution. I’m not sure how I would google search for Asian cultural trends without actually being able to speak and write in the language, and also be able to get past the great firewall. (I talk about the great firewall as though it’s an unusual thing that only exists in Asia, but meanwhile, we are all taking for granted our own internet censorship and our own surveillance.)

I have St. John’s Wort on my clothing. It isn’t a huge amount, and it isn’t causing extreme fatigue, but I have had mild fatigue a few times. It’s enough that I am experiencing some mind control attacks that only happen when I’m under the influence of drugs. They did something to the sound effect that happens when we receive an order at Maki Yaki. There’s this harmonica sound that plays. They added subliminal, ultrasonic sounds to it saying ‘bento boxes.’ Every time that sound plays, I hear the words ‘bento boxes’ and it triggers rage. I haven’t had this problem for years – it was a long time ago – I was working at Weis Market and they hacked the overhead speakers thing – why can’t I remember what that’s called? oh well – so that every time the little Weis commercial came on, I would hear ultrasonic voices playing along with the music, and it triggered rage. It seems to only be audible to me if I am on drugs. I guess it’s possible that they just went a long time without hacking voices into anything, or maybe there weren’t any sound effects playing at any of my other jobs that were hackable. But the problem of triggering rage is definitely something that only happens under the influence of antidepressants.

The intercom. That’s the word I was trying to remember.

Again, it’s not a major problem. The residues of the St. John’s Wort are very minimal. It’s nothing like it was in the past. It’s only because I ate just a small amount of the plant the other day when I was out walking, because I always hope that it will do something helpful for me, but it never does enough. It just causes fatigue and more problems with the electronic attackers.

I’m going to play Terraria for a little while and then I guess I will go home. There are things I need to do but I was too tired and overwhelmed to do them yet. Maybe tomorrow.

Would that be really, really weird? To give him a note asking him to text me, and then, to actually attempt to spend time alone with him, even though we won’t have a huge amount to talk about, being two introverted identical types? We could quietly watch movies together or something, or play video games together. It could just be a friendship with some kind of physical contact. I just keep postponing the moment of making the leap into that. It seems so dangerous, or destructive. It almost seems like it would damage something. But if he did that exact thing to me, I would be thrilled. I guess I would just have to ask him if it’s okay. I would need to be absolutely sure it was okay. With some people it’s obvious that a relationship with them is okay and it’s what they want, but it’s not obvious with a quiet, introverted person who doesn’t express his feelings openly.

However, I don’t want to interfere with him falling in love, if he meets someone really great. I haven’t met this new driver named Rachael yet. If everybody named Rachael is an ENFP, then she’s his dual. They said she’s ‘really sweet.’ ENFPs are really sweet, so she could be an ENFP. I need to stay out of the way of that if that’s happening. I’m only joking with my logical reasoning here – I have absolutely no way of knowing what type she is when I haven’t even seen her yet. But only certain types of people would ever be described as ‘sweet.’ And Anne from McDonald’s became a delivery driver for OrderUp. Maybe I should wait until I meet her first. It’s easier for male ISTPs to meet their female ENFP duals, because logical men are more common than logical women, and ethical men are less common than ethical women. So it’s hard for me, an ISTP female, to find lots of ENFP males.

Okay, I guess it’s time to play Terraria for a bit.

planes are also freedom

October 23, 2016

Planes are people who have freedom of movement and freedom of thought and are not confined to the ground or to one narrow track. A train transforms into a plane if it succeeds in achieving this freedom of thought, movement, and choice.

train going down the tracks is a college student

October 23, 2016

I was rereading the dream and realized that’s what it was. The ‘tracks’ are a fixed pathway that you go down, which has no
intersections and only goes one way to one specific place. This is a fixed plan for your future. It is going to college, taking the required college courses, and going straight down the pathway to your destination, which is a high paying job. I myself left that pathway. I envied people who were able to stay on it who actually reached the destination.

Lard causes cravings for leafy greens; Burger King salad is one of the worst I’ve ever had; weird dreams

October 23, 2016

The Weston Price web pages talk about how if you eat pork along with sauerkraut, the sauerkraut mitigates the effects of the pork on the blood. By itself, the pork will cause your red blood cells to clump into rouleaux, little stacks of ‘coins.’ If you eat it with the sauerkraut, they will not clump.

I am noticing that when I eat the lard, I get a very strong craving for leafy greens afterwards, and I have been eating more salads than ever during this time of testing the pork lard. What could possibly be a healthier craving than a craving for leafy greens? This is kind of awesome.

However, I don’t always have access to greens that I can forage, so I am buying salads. Today, I bought a salad at Burger King. It was one of the worst salads I’ve ever had. It was nothing but iceberg lettuce, with chicken on top, a small amount of cheddar cheese, and bacon. I didn’t get the croutons I asked for, which I only noticed just now after I’ve eaten the salad. Ooops – I’m wrong, yes, I did get the croutons, I just didn’t see that they were in there and I forgot to put them on. My bad. I’ll just open the bag of croutons and eat them now.

Anyway, so the small packet of dressing wasn’t enough to distribute through the salad, so I ended up trying to choke down a whole lot of dry iceberg lettuce. You shouldn’t have a whole bunch of dry, plain iceberg lettuce left over after you eat the more desirable ingredients of the salad. There should be enough of everything the entire time you are eating the salad.

If you’re going to have a salad that ends up being just a bunch of plain greens with nothing on them and no other ingredients, the greens should at least be something interesting with a high nutrient density. There are many types of greens that can be used in salad. You need a variety of them, some of them with different flavors, including bitter flavors. Bitter flavors are actually desirable in small amounts.

I feel like my brain isn’t working very well today. I slept and had some weird dreams. Yesterday I found a hawthorn tree and was ripping apart the berries, and taking pictures of it so that I could go to the Native Plant Society facebook group and ask them what kind of tree this was. The hawthorn berries are edible, but the seeds are poisonous. From reading, I believe this berry might be a beta blocker which will cause my heart to slow down, and when I go into withdrawal, I will have angina. So if I try to eat any of the berries, I will only eat a tiny amount of them, then observe my symptoms. People do say the berries are edible. They smelled good to me, like apples and plums, and I’m told they’re in the apple family. The seeds have cyanide in them.

So I wonder if touching and handling those berries might be what made me feel kind of tired and dumb today. I don’t know.

I had a long dream. I don’t remember all of it. The voices told me what one of the symbols meant after I woke up. We were terrorists and we were going to transform a train into a plane and then do something with it. I don’t know if it was going to be crashed into something, or shoot something, or what, because I woke up before that happened. I was with a group of people. The ‘train’ was actually just one individual train car running down the tracks by itself, not a long train with many cars. It would just jump off the tracks and transform in the air into a plane, then fly away.

After I woke up, the voices said that the ‘train’ refers to a trainee, and the ‘plane’ refers to being ‘plain’ in appearance. I had been fantasizing about training my replacement, training people to do jobs for me, and requiring them to grow their hair long and become plain in appearance like I am. So the dream was making a verbal joke out of that. The train becomes plane.

At the end of the dream, I remember looking at a picture. It was a picture of someone wrapped in a blanket, sleeping. The other day, in real life, I had been thinking about finding a dead cat hit by a car, but saying that it was only ‘sleeping.’ In the fertility forums, they also say that their babies are born ‘sleeping’ if there is a miscarriage.

So in the dream, this was a photo of a sleeping person wrapped in a blanket, but I thought it meant this person was dead. But this was a contradiction, and you can’t have any contradictions in your code, the dream voice said. The code must have no contradictions or the program won’t work. How can this person have written a book if they’re dead? The person wrote the book with a picture of themselves wrapped in a blanket, ‘dead,’ after they were dead? That was a contradiction. How did they write the book? How did they publish it? How did they photograph themselves while dead? The program wouldn’t work because it was contradictory.

The program was trying to operate the train that would transform into a plane. I think it might have meant something about life after death, because I’ve been talking about eternal life by means of reproduction, although it isn’t the life of the individual, it’s the life of the group or the species. I still care about the immortality of the individual, which is a separate concept from the eternal life of the group passed down through childbearing. I am interested in methods that make people live much longer or make people immortal. Would I ever tolerate getting some kind of a shot or vaccine made in a factory by mainstream medicine and the drug industry, if it would make me immortal? I don’t know! Interesting challenge. Maybe I would.

I also want to reverse aging, regrow lost body parts, and make eggs and sperm from people who are not fertile for some reason, people of any age, make them from ordinary body cells or stem cells or some other special kind of cells in their body. These would not be clones, but they would be like eggs and sperm, with the chance to merge with another and get genes from both parents.

Those are all fantasies I have about what I would want to do using science and medicine if it were up to me. It is connected with the Anaya religion.

After seeing this person in the blanket sleeping, a purple blanket – it was a dark blue purple color – I remember being outside and the flying drones were attacking us, because, I guess, we were terrorists. The drones were green. I thought they were just airplanes and I didn’t know if they were drones or if they had people inside them. There were lots of these bright green airplanes in the sky over the house that I was walking towards. I was trying to get into that house but I was terrified of the green planes above it. They were just flying around randomly and I guess they must have been shooting and killing people, but I didn’t see it happen, I just knew that they were. I don’t know how I could see the color of the planes – it was such a bright green, it might have been like the entire plane was glowing in the daylight.

Then one of the planes saw me walking through this open field towards the house that they were over, and it moved towards me – I saw it getting bigger in the sky as it moved towards me – but then, suddenly, it turned back and didn’t shoot me, and it went back to the group of planes. I was trying to run as fast as I could towards this house, because there was something important that I needed in there, my stuff, or people I cared about, or something.

Some of this is probably about ‘aliens,’ and ‘aliens’ refers to humans from other countries, so this might have been referring to the workplace crush who ‘moved towards me, then away from me.’ Those planes were UFOs, aliens. I don’t know why they were bright glowing green though. Maybe just because aliens are little green men? I don’t know. Or green means ‘go?’

That was when I woke up. I never got to see the ending of the program where the train would transform into a plane. The program must not have worked because it was contradictory. But I was frustrated because it was so close to completion – everything was together, everything seemed to be working, but then there was this
contradiction. Something which was dead wasn’t really dead or couldn’t possibly be dead. It was so frustrating to suddenly wake up when this whole plan was just about to be completed and we were right near the end of the plan. Everything was together and it was all working great.

I have known for a long time that it’s extremely hard to get into a sexual relationship with socionic identicals (other ISTPs like myself). Neither of us is able to make the first move to bring us into a closer relationship. When we do, it often has an
uncomfortable, sickening, over-intense sensation of being
overstimulated and having too much oxytocin hormone. It feels incestuous and unnatural. That is based on my previous experiences with other male ISTPs that I tried to have friendships with, whenever I felt any sexual attraction to them at all. I felt sexual attraction to both Eric and Jason from McDonald’s, and yet, I lived with them all those months and barely touched any of them, including their father who also seemed like another ISTP. We only had a few brief moments when sexual hints were given, but they did not progress. We are lacking this warmth, this draw, this pull, that brings us together. I also knew another male ISTP that I had some feelings for, and I wanted to hug him but felt the sensation of being ‘violated,’ an unpleasant sexual sensation, once again, of having too much oxytocin, being overstimulated, in a way that is gross and sickening.

I call this phenomenon the socionic incest taboo – you can’t have sex with your own identicals, because they might be some long-lost relative. It seemed like this would be okay with a Korean guy, who is such a distant relative that my instincts shouldn’t be worried about incest, but apparently the incest taboo is still there.

I am able to use my mobilizing function (+Fi) intermittently enough to do something like ask my crush about the details of his past life and his likes and dislikes, but cannot use that function very well for very long, so I default to my sensing-thinking functions, the same as his, and the sensing-thinking functions do not easily bring us closer together. I cannot ask him, ‘What’s bothering you? Why did you pull away slightly?’ We are able to stay friends with a little bit of distance, keeping our space, but it’s hard to imagine actually being able to go all the way to sex, even if I am ovulating, because somebody has to make this leap, which feels too abrupt, too decisive, too unnatural – I have to say, ‘Let’s get together,’ and that makes it a formal relationship, with all these duties and obligations. What if one or the other of us doesn’t feel in the mood to hang out on a particular day? That would be a violation of their free time and their space.

But I don’t want another ESFP. I do love Jesse, and I loved Agustin in whatever way I could love someone who I barely knew and could only see from a distance as he interacted with our other coworkers. But yet, neither of them could give any sexual foreplay, and aside from sex, they would not give much hugs and no comfort of any kind whatsoever, neither giving nor receiving it. It was not possible to touch either of them in a comforting way for very long, although there was one isolated rare incident in which I was able to snuggle with Jesse on the couch, stroking his hair. He normally does not tolerate any such thing for more than a second or two. My next boyfriend has to be someone who values this sort of touch.

There was a terrible incident last Christmas where I got mad at Jesse. I actually smoke a tiny, tiny, minute fraction of a single puff of his cigarette. I became extremely angry for days and days afterwards. I was still working at McD. I got sick one day, and was coming down with a cold or something, and I felt miserable, and I was still in withdrawal and still sick from the tiny fraction of one inhalation of tobacco smoke, and so I was trying to get Jesse to let me visit him and just to give me a hug. He totally ignored me and wouldn’t even give me so much as a hug just to comfort me when I felt sick and crappy. That was also the time when he had recently fallen in love with Kaelin. So he didn’t love me anymore at all and didn’t feel the need to give me the slightest kindness or respect or consideration. I remember being very angry with him for totally ignoring me while I was calling and texting him asking him if he would let me visit him just briefly and only to give me a comforting hug. It was during the short couple of weeks when he was home on Christmas break from the army.

It’s that kind of thing that I want to avoid in the future. I know, he had fallen in love with Kaelin at the time, which was why he was pushing me out of his life, but still. Even when that wasn’t happening, he still didn’t like to do a lot of hugging and cuddling, not enough for me, and no foreplay at all. Absolutely no giving of comforting touch to me, no focus on me at all, and did not like to receive any focused attention from me either. He did not usually like something like stroking with hands, or gentle massaging, or stroking of the hair, or randomly touching someone’s face and body at random places just because you feel like it. I like to do all of those things. They are not necessarily sexual. It is just taking pleasure in someone’s company, in their physical body being there, admiring how beautiful and attractive they are, but up close, not from a distance, and quietly bonding with these small gentle touches and gentle snuggling. When I did those kinds of things, he briefly tolerated it, but it annoyed him and he ignored it.

I don’t want to deal with that anymore. I don’t want another boyfriend like that. Agustin was the same – absolutely no foreplay. With him it was just instantly kissing very strongly and then taking all our clothes off immediately and then having sex right away. There was nothing slow about it. It was, get this done as quickly as possible. I want to sort of snuggle with somebody first, and gradually move to other types of touching, sometimes gentle and sometimes firm and energetic, but not immediately to sex, and not just to the sexual organs of the body, but touching the entire body everywhere in many ways.

At the same time, I do become impatient if there is extreme and excessive preoccupation with having extreme pleasure for long periods of time. I don’t care that much about trying to have multiple orgasms, or trying to have sex for as long as possible without an orgasm, or that kind of thing. Just *some* foreplay and *some* touching, from both of us to each other. I am telling you, there was NONE with either Jesse or Agustin – just straight to sex immediately, as quickly as possible, with ABSOLUTELY NOTHING of any kind before it or after it. Jesse used to immediately leave after sex if he was at my apartment, or get up and walk away after sex if we were at his house – never to lie there together afterwards. NOTHING. I’ve decided this is the ESFP personality type and I don’t want to get another boyfriend of that type.

Time is passing, and I am going to try to wash my hair before work. I’m at the laundromat.

I don’t want another ESFP

October 22, 2016

After being with both Jesse and Agustin I know that they don’t give any gentle physical affection. I want a Delta. That’s why Chris is out of the question (guy who asked me to hang out). He will be like them. No gentleness. +Si ignore function or something. Or no +Fi. Just -Fi.

Agustin was sighted

October 21, 2016

Kat, who still works at Kaarma, said agustin and Gerber came in to eat today. So he’s in town. It doesnt matter anymore because I understand he wants to be left alone. I can focus on my current crush. Although it looks like it will be impossible. He was slightly aloof today, and I felt possessive and insecure, always wanting to do things to claim him in front of everyone, like saying something about him or jumping into a conversation that involved him. I am asking him a lot of questions about himself so I can get to know him and show that I’m interested in him, but the reciprocal is not true: my own life is not a thing to tell him about much. I am less desirable than he is. Also, I’m not ovulating, and when I’m neither ovulating nor on st. Johns wort, I’m not sexually attractive. I keep wanting to touch him and to claim him, feeling like it’s not safe to postpone it, like someone else will jump in. But I haven’t the courage to give him my number and tell him to text me yet. I don’t want to let our relationship devolve into a sexless friendship. We could get in the habit of always having a touch barrier.

There are so many things going on in my mind right now buy I’m typing on my phone so I can’t write them all.

wow, memory lane

October 20, 2016

All I have to do is sit around at Weis using the internet and random people who I knew from the past will come over and ask me to hang out with them. So far I’ve met two guys who I knew from previous jobs. One of them gave me two hugs during our chat and then he went on to his job. The other one asked me to hang out and also gave me a hug. Does this mean that my workplace crush is going to be abandoned and/or cheated on? Am I going to be this promiscuous person who is hooking up with random guys all at the same time? I don’t usually do that – I usually do ‘serial monogamy,’ just dating one guy at a time, for months or years, and then eventually moving on to somebody else for one reason or another. I’m not even sure I should say yes to this guy…

ooh, I’m still unplugged and the battery will die for real, and it will forget everything for real this time. I restarted after the original automatic shutdown, so now I’m in the real danger zone. I lost a Terraria character doing that. I learned my lesson.

testing animal fats; the crush; some random stuff but I forgot what I wrote

October 20, 2016

3:40 PM 10/20/2016

I just got over to the YMCA to take a shower. I feel much better. I still have too many things to do now though and I don’t think I will get many of them done.

6:40 AM 10/20/2016

I bought these tiny one ounce containers of a couple different kinds of fats, and I’m testing them. I have a different approach to the Weston Price diet than a lot of people have. I don’t believe that it’s completely, 100%, word-for-word the gospel truth, but yet, I agree with the general idea of it. And there are grains of truth in the mainstream medicine’s belief that saturated animal fats are bad for you. There are grains of truth on both sides of the argument, and I am testing these fats myself to see how I react to them, partly because I have actually had bad experiences with animal fats in the past.

When I was a kid I was put on the Feingold Diet for hyperactivity. My mom said it worked, and I was aware of it for my whole life, even after we stopped using it – every once in a while she would tell me the story of how I absolutely would never sleep at night, I would fight like a demon, I would scream, I would push the door open while she pushed it shut. The night that she put me on the diet, I instantly went to bed without a fuss, and did the same forever after as long as I was on the diet.

I got into the diet again as an adult, finding it on the internet and ordering their reading materials. I got into the mindset of observing my own symptoms after they happen, instead of waiting for scientific studies to tell me what was true or false. I noticed that many symptoms can be observed on the very day when you eat a food, and for me, that includes animal fats.

I was eating those little snack sausages, from the grocery store, the ones that usually come with little blocks of cheese and maybe with mustard. I really love them. But when I was eating them, later in the day I would feel like I was having heart attacks. This isn’t something that happens gradually after you’ve been eating animal fat for 20 years. It is something that happens on the very same day that you eat the animal fat.

I have a theory that might explain some of what the Weston Price people and others on the internet have observed. Maybe you have problems when you *alternate* between different types of fat. Maybe if you have been eating nothing but vegetable oil for a long time, and your body has struggled to use this inferior type of fat, and has integrated it into all the tissues, and then suddenly, one day, you eat the kind of fat that your body actually wants, saturated animal fat, maybe (according to my theory) your body might suddenly release and replace all that bad vegetable oil in the tissues, and put the desirable animal fats in their places. So then, perhaps, you suddenly have big clots of released vegetable oils floating around in your bloodstream or something.

That was only a theory I made up. I still don’t know. I know that my liver doesn’t produce much bile, and I have clay colored stools. Bile is needed to dissolve fat. My fats are being poorly absorbed and they might not have enough bile along with them. Maybe the fat is going into my intestinal wall without bile attached to it. Maybe fat that isn’t dissolved in bile is more dangerous than fat that is properly dissolved in bile. People with Weston Price deformities also have deformities in their internal organs (although nobody has ever talked about this much, I’m just taking the concept farther than they usually do), which means that they will have narrower blood vessels and narrower everything, narrow vessels in the liver, narrower tubes that the bile goes through. These narrow tubes cause problems. My dad said he thought he had high blood pressure because of a narrow, constricted artery in the kidney.

The Weston Price deformities are caused by more factors than just malnutrition. It is malnutrition (eating nothing but processed food, processed flour, processed sugar, instead of whole foods) combined with exposure to chemicals and drugs. Some of the chemicals come from canned food, or food made in factories. Some of the drugs brought to the primitive societies that corrupted them were tobacco, alcohol, and caffeine. Those drugs cause major deformities which are extremely commonplace – they’re everywhere, on almost everyone.

So, anyway, these narrow tubes, and narrow blood vessels, and lack of bile, might be part of the reason why animal fats aren’t always good for us. If we have properly functioning organs and blood vessels, we might be able to dissolve and digest fats properly, and don’t have any problems from them. Badly deformed bodies have more health problems from all causes.

Again, all of this is my own theory. I’m taking bits of what they have said, and kind of extrapolating something that might be true.

I do notice symptoms from the rosemary extract added to the
unsaturated animal fats that I purchased. The saturated ones don’t have rosemary added to them because they don’t oxidize. I was barely even able to eat the little finger swipe of saturated beef tallow that I tested. It would not dissolve in my mouth no matter what. I had to chew it. I also licked a small bit of leaf lard (fat from around the kidneys), which does have rosemary added to it. Note: not all producers are adding rosemary. It’s just this particular company. I compromised on a couple things so that I could buy extremely small bottles of the fats and test a couple different kinds. Fatworks sells these ‘tiny tallows,’ which are one ounce jars of fat so that you can test them in a recipe and try lots of different kinds.

So, I felt my blood pressure rising afterwards from the rosemary. I have felt the same sensation before from eating rosemary all by itself, so it wasn’t caused by eating the fat.

It was later in the day that I felt a weird sensation. I have noticed this before. I might not notice anything when I first eat something, but hours later, when it gets into my intestines, perhaps my lower intestine, the large intestine, it starts to get absorbed and that’s the moment when I start to feel symptoms. I felt like I was having a stroke or about to pass out. I was sort of dizzy or lightheaded. It’s a very specific, very unique sensation that I have felt before and it comes from eating animal fats.

This is the reason why I am testing. I want to see if this sensation stops happening over time, according to my theory that the body might be replacing bad fats in the body with good ones.

The reason why I would question the mainstream medicine’s belief that animal fat is bad for you is because I agree with the *principle*, the *concept*, of the Weston Price diet. Primitive cultures really are much healthier than we are, and they live longer and have no chronic diseases. They are happier and stronger. They are less deformed. They have no obesity.

Obesity is caused by exposure to cadmium early in life. There are many other causes of it, but this is one of the big causes. Cadmium is in rice. Baby food is made of rice. If you give your child rice baby food, you may be poisoning it with cadmium, which will cause lifelong obesity. I cannot test this myself. I’m only reading things and finding out about them. I have been interested in the phenomenon of obesity for decades, as I noticed, long ago, many fat people were starving themselves and barely eating anything at all, while the thin person sitting next to them could eat anything they wanted. It was obvious to me that obesity wasn’t caused by ‘eating too much.’ So I spent the last few decades always paying attention to any information that I would read or hear about the true causes of obesity. It begins early in life, and it’s not your fault and it’s not under your control. However, drug-induced obesity happens in adulthood when you take the drugs, and that’s a different phenomenon. A huge number of prescription drugs cause obesity, sometimes very severe (hundreds of pounds of weight gain caused by schizophrenia drugs, for instance).

I started getting fat working at Kaarma, where I was eating a lot of rice. I never eat much rice, and when I do, I buy organic, but this is only if I live in a house and have my own kitchen and am preparing my own food every day. Organic rice can still have cadmium in it if the soil where it is grown is still contaminated with cadmium, but it will have less because at least it isn’t being constantly added to the rice in pesticides and herbicides and fertilizers (and yes, organic farmers are still allowed to use some chemicals – somebody mentioned this the other day).

Organic – a tangent I wanted to talk about. I have these two avocado plants that I grew, which are at the Black Bear Lane house (and I need to go check on them). I have them there because they cannot be allowed to freeze.

One was grown from a non-organic, conventional avocado seed. That avocado seed was much larger. The plant itself grew much taller. However, it is full of holes because insects were constantly eating it. Non-organic plants grow larger but are weaker. They use the idea that if it’s bigger and more brightly colored, it’s better, but they ignore the internal functioning and the internal health of the plant, which is supported by trace minerals that are absent in the soil of non-organic plants. So they choose the particular minerals that cause a plant to grow taller, and to look greener (phosphorus makes it look green, if I recall). But they ignore all the other trace minerals whose effects are less obvious. Those effects that they ignore are: the plant’s ability to defend itself against insects. Apparently, that particular strength comes from trace minerals.

The organic avocado seed was smaller. I don’t know if it was a different breed of avocado, so that could be the cause. The plant that grew from this seed also was shorter and grew slower. However, it has absolutely no holes from insects biting on the leaves. Apparently, a seed that comes from an organic plant has benefits which last for a lifetime into the next generation, epigenetic effects. I do not know the cause.

It was an interesting and unintentional experiment. I didn’t do this experiment on purpose. I just happened to buy non-organic avocados one time, and organic avocados another time, and tried to plant all the seeds (which requires scraping off all the skin from the seed, because the skin contains a seed inhibitor chemical that stops it from sprouting).

So, anyway.

I started to get fatter while I was working at Kaarma, and I theorized that eating too much rice might be the cause, because of the large amount of cadmium in non-organic rice. It was only a theory. I don’t actually know what’s causing it. I can’t do enough testing because I don’t have a kitchen.

For the last few months, I wasn’t cooking at home at all, because it was actually many months ago that Mike Young told me to leave the house because his nephew was coming over to stay while going to Penn State (this ended up not really happening – he stayed a couple days, then went somewhere else, so I was allowed to stay). I threw out all my food in the fridge and freezer, attempting to get out of the house, and I put all my pots and pans in the tent and all my belongings there with them. I stopped buying groceries to cook at home, because I was expecting to move out any day and didn’t want to waste any more food. I also didn’t have enough room, because the people there were spreading out into my space. I hate that. I hate sharing a fridge and freezer, especially with people who fill it with garbage and don’t clean it out. They had hundreds of sauce bottles with a tiny bit of sauce left that nobody ever used, and if only they got rid of all that, there would be tons of space in the fridge. They have TONS of stuff nobody eats just sitting there forever wasting space, so I had no space. I NEED MY OWN GODDAMN FRIDGE.

So I spent many months eating nothing but restaurant foods and food from Kaarma. I hate eating that way. Nobody can prepare food the way I want it, and nobody can do the testing that I want to do with foods. I want to test all of the Weston Price diets and the organic foods and special unfamiliar foods and hunting and foraging. I am always testing foods, if only I have enough time. Constant testing is my way of life. It is something I enjoy. It provides constant novelty.

But, I haven’t been able to troubleshoot this nagging fatness and get rid of it. I just don’t have enough control over my foods and my lifestyle. It is extremely frustrating. I cannot simply starve myself while I am working at a job, either, and I don’t believe that starvation is the way. If you are starving, if it hurts, then you’re doing it wrong. That’s usually my approach to things.

The one exception was quitting caffeine. That could only be done by brute force, and I had to just ignore the pain. The only incentive strong enough to make me do this was pregnancy. I stopped cold turkey on the very day when I first had sex with Agustin, in August this year. That was because unprotected sex was a surprise. I didn’t know that he would just go in without a condom, and I expected him to pull out before orgasm like everyone else does. Nope! I did not fight or protest against this at all, in fact, I embraced it and I was delighted with this. Suddenly semen became the most fascinating thing on earth. I obsevered all of the symptoms that it triggered in my body, and, like I said, I stopped caffeine cold turkey on that very day, and never had it again since then, because I don’t want to harm my baby. Even though I’m not pregnant, I’m still trying as hard as I can to stay off it, although it is extremely hard sometimes.

I didn’t get pregnant on that first try, because I was too far past ovulation. There were no symptoms of pregnancy. There was only a 24 hour period during which I had symptoms directly caused by semen, and only by semen, because semen contains substances that affect the female body. After that 24 hour period, nothing happened at all that first month.

It was only the second month that I got pregnant at all. I had sex with him before ovulation. We only had sex these two times before he left me. He said he was moving away, going to West Virginia. These Guatemalans move all over the country looking for jobs, and he wasn’t in love with me and didn’t want to stay with me forever, so he just left, very coldly. So, we only had sex twice, although the second time was actually two times – he had sex again with me after his first orgasm, after a few minutes went by, although he didn’t ejaculate a second time.

That was the time when I did get pregnant. I was pregnant for only a few days, and I noticed all the symptoms. I was having strange dreams at night. I was feeling like I was going to throw up. I had blood sugar problems when I didn’t eat constantly at work. I had blood sugar problems when I took too long walking around shopping at Wal-Mart. I was having hormone floods when the egg was fertilized and it sent out a signal that I was able to feel through my whole body. I had a super intensified sense of smell, but sadly that only lasted a few hours.

Then, the baby passed away for unknown reasons – maybe because I took a hot bath, maybe because I ate ginger for the nausea, maybe because I ate soft cheese that day and it had too much penicillin in it, I don’t know (it isn’t the listeria that’s the problem, it’s the penicillin and antibiotics that cause abortions). I can only guess why the baby died. All the symptoms went away. My period was over a week late, because I was miscarrying.

Then I finally got my period. And Agustin was gone. No more chances to test my fertility with him. But testing my fertility was the most fascinating and wonderful thing I ever got to do in my life. I had decided that I would get pregnant even though I did not have the proper diet or the proper lifestyle, even though I was not healthy and the baby would not be healthy, even though I had no financial power and would always be poor because my whole life is a disaster and it would continue to be a disaster – I decided to just get pregnant anyway. It was the most wonderful thing.

So I went all this time without Agustin, letting him go. That was why I was so desperate to get a new crush as soon as I could. I almost always have a crush on somebody. It is impossible not to. The crush will always be on whoever is convenient, even if they are not ideal and not a true soulmate or socionic dual. There are no socionic duals anywhere. I believe now Mike and Myro at Maki Yaki are semi-duals: ISFj and ESTj. People marry people who aren’t their socionic duals all the time, because duals are extremely hard to find. Some types are much less common than other types. All intuitives are,
statistically, much less common than sensors. All intuitives would have to have polyamorous relationships with sensors in order to give everybody a fair chance. So you’d have one INFj dualizing with 20 ESTjs, or one ENFp male dualizing with 20 ISTp females. I’m just making those numbers up to emphasize how extremely uncommon the intuitives are numerically. The people who find and marry an intuitive are EXTREMELY LUCKY. It is like winning the lottery.

After that experience with Agustin, I am obsessed with semen and getting pregnant and having unprotected sex with completed orgasm without pulling out. Procreative sex. It is the most wonderful, most magical, most fascinating thing on earth. I am 42 years old. If I do not do this, my soul will die and will never be replaced. Eternal life refers to the continuation of your soul in your children. I am unsaved. Eternal life – it has lasted for millions upon millions of years. We are the children of the very first bacterial cells that appeared on earth for the very first time. All of us, each one of us, came from those first bacterial cells wandering around in the primordial soup (which I cannot imagine and cannot accurately describe, since I can’t go back in time and look at it). All those millions of years, our eternal life has gone on. We are the children of the children of the children.

My one tiny branch of this eternal life is going to die off and stop growing, because I’m 42 and I’ve never fallen in love strongly enough to marry and have kids. I was even lucky enough to have a semi-dual – Eric, my ex-boyfriend, ENTp with ISTp. But I felt like something was wrong in the relationship and I wasn’t willing to marry, even before I knew socionics – I just felt like something was wrong, something was missing. I was still hoping to find a soulmate that would complete me and interact with me the way Rachael did – she was a dual, but she was female.

It wasn’t just lack of love, it was also the recurring disasters that kept me from having children. I could never get control of my money when I kept repeatedly losing jobs and getting thrown out of apartments and contaminating all my belongings with horribly toxic chemicals so that I had to throw everything in the garbage – all of the disasters written in my blog over all this time. The mind controllers forced me to have infinite, endless disasters. It is not by my own choice that I do these things.

That is why there is no love and there are no children. I am alone and I am going to die.

I expect it would be more difficult to convince this particular guy to have unprotected sex with completed, vaginal ejaculation. Guatemalans have different sexual norms. They are Catholics and they have huge numbers of children. Koreans have more American-like sexual norms, which means, all of them are brainwashed to believe in the
depopulation program. Koreans are circumcised because the USA invaded them and forced them to adopt different norms than the rest of Asia, who are uncircumcised (a good thing). Cirumcision is a horrible evil.

The ‘Great Beyond’ is another belief which I named after watching ‘Sausage Party.’ That movie isn’t just about heaven and religion, it’s about postponing *anything at all* into a vague, imaginary future where everything will finally be perfectly settled and safe and ideal. Nothing will ever be perfect. If you aren’t having sex and babies during a time of imperfection and instability and disaster, then you aren’t having babies AT ALL, EVER. That is my life. You MUST HAVE imperfect babies during times of disaster, instability, and financial instability and social chaos. It means, right now, no matter what. I wasn’t aware of what this meant to me until I suddenly had this opportunity with Agustin, and suddenly, my values became clear to me. I valued the imperfect babies even in this chaos. The baby that would never have a father because he was leaving – I still wanted it. I knew it was tragic and sad and it would be a sad, long, lonely life without a father. I still wanted it to live.

So I doubt I will be able to convince this particular guy to make me pregnant. He will be thinking, wait until after college, wait until financial stability, wait until I find my soulmate who I truly love rather than just a temporary crush in the workplace who is really more like a good friend instead of a soulmate. We would be like good friends with benefits. We are almost like brother and sister. It isn’t an ideal relationship. I know he won’t be ready to get me pregnant this very instant, for thousands of reasons.

He will worry that I am going to demand money from him (although in reality I am going to try to get back on food stamps again – I was on them in the past, then I let it expire and for various technical reasons wasn’t able to get on them again – I have to get paperwork for that). He doesn’t want me to divorce him and demand alimony payments that will enslave him forever. I know – I’ve read Warren Farrell. I know what men are afraid of. He doesn’t want to be my financial slave, paying thousands of dollars to me so that I can take it and go shopping at yard sales, like Eric’s ex-wife used to do with her child support payments. Whoopieeeee! Yard sale money!!! I’m rich! I know. I understand. I’ve hated my jobs too. I hate work. All jobs in general, I hate. Working in general, I hate. How does it feel to be a slave to the ex wife who takes all your money when you hate your job and hate work in general, all work?

He instinctively wants to have sex, which is normal, but he will resist the instinct to impregnate me, because he has heard about the horrible consequences of pregnancy and will be programmed to avoid those consequences. I call it a program. It came from our schools. Our sex education classes taught us this. Then, men hear about divorces, alimony, and child support from thousands of friends, acquaintances, coworkers, and strangers who have had those
experiences, and they learn never to trust a woman with your money, or you’ll be a slave and a victim for life, because all women want is to take all your money and grab you by the balls and drag you around and make you do whatever they want. All our long life, we have been bombarded with the message that terrible, terrible, terrible things happen to women who get pregnant, or to the men who get them pregnant. I believed all of it, all this time, and was waiting until ‘the great beyond,’ the time when all of my life would be settled, safe, ideal, and perfect, before I could get pregnant. That is why it has never happened.

I am now desperate and obsessive – I went a long time without a boyfriend, because Jesse went into the army and was stationed in Washington state. I just waited and waited and did nothing. What year was it – he was there all of 2015, right? He was there all of 2016. Maybe it was…. I’m confused. This is October 2016, and he has been there all this year. He came home on Christmas of 2015. He was there most of the year in 2015. That’s right, he left in winter 2015 early in the year, went to basic training, then got stationed. So 2014 is the last time I really had Jesse living nearby and was visiting him frequently. Jesse was so paranoid about pregnancy that not only would he use a condom, he would also pull out before ejaculating, AND THEN, to add insult to injury, he actually would not allow me to touch or look at or hold the condom, and would quickly throw it into the trash (although if I insisted I could have dug it out of the trash when he wasn’t looking and impregnated myself with the semen). He had been programmed.

The numbers of the years no longer mean much to me. Maybe I must start saying them in the Chinese zodiac way – the year of the lion, the year of the monkey, the year of the tiger, so that they will have meaning and be memorable. Numbers are empty now. The years mean something when you’re in school and you can say what grade you were in when something happened. But in adulthood, the years lose all meaning. Each year is like the next.

Do they have a year of the lion? I know they have a tiger, but maybe not lions? I forget.

The year of the kitty cat. The year of the raccoon. The year of the possum. The year of the mongoose. The year of the duck-billed platypus. I could go on and on with this. The year of the … what are they called? I remembered it from another word which came from Dr. Who, which I have never watched, but I read this in a wikipedia article… the TARDIS – tardigrades, that’s how I remember what they are called. There was an experiment called ‘TARDIS’ or something, tardigrades in space, where they put those ‘water bears,’ tiny little microscopic animals, into outer space to see if they lived. The year of the tardigrade. ‘TARDIS’ was the name of something in Dr. Who, maybe the device that transports them, or the name of a computer or something – I never watched it so I don’t know.

So… I have been alone a long time. Getting a crush on Agustin at Kaarma was a wonderful thing, when I had been alone so long – but he quickly left me and said he was moving out of town. I have no contact information for him, other than asking his friends, and I’d have to speak Spanish. He didn’t want to be followed or contacted.

So now here I am floundering without a boyfriend, yet not resigned to being alone the way I was all those months when Jesse was in the army and I was just patiently waiting for him. During that time I was resigned to life without love. I just had nobody. I had my coworkers at McDonald’s when I was still working there, but no crushes on any of them.

However, surround me with a bunch of foreign guys and crushes will happen instantly, because I am a xenophile. I absolutely love foreign people. Foreign people are much, much, much sexier and more fascinating than English-American guys. Or German-American or whatever they are (I was chatting with someone online who pointed out that Germans populated much of the USA, including Pennsylvania, and I looked on a map and saw it was true – I google searched for some phrase and found it, something like ‘which ethnic groups settled in which regions of the USA?’ or something).

I have loved Koreans for a long time. I was looking online randomly at Korean things, although I also googled dozens of other ethnic groups too – people from Tibet, people from Australia – every ethnic group and every race on earth was fascinating and wonderful, and I loved looking at pictures of them. All are beautiful to me. But I looked into Koreans enough to actually go and watch some Korean dramas and Korean movies online, which was more than I did with a lot of other cultures. (All of this required a lot of free time using the internet, and I tended to do it more if I were on a lot of drugs, like caffeine and St. John’s Wort and ginseng.)

One reason why they are attractive is because their hair is usually a couple inches longer than American men’s hair. American men, at least here in Pennsylvania, are shaving their heads and keeping their hair horribly, disgustingly short. Koreans and Asians in general tend to have hair which is only just an inch or two longer. You would not believe what a huge difference this makes to a man’s attractiveness. A man with a shaved head is utterly, completely repulsive and doesn’t even look human. It looks like a non-human species, a non-human robot. It is disgusting.

Asian men more frequently have hair that hangs just a little bit. It still isn’t long enough for my taste, as I want the Sikh-like fully grown ‘kesh,’ the fully grown hair and completely uncut beards in any race that is capable of growing beards – I do not demand that people grow beards if they aren’t able to, nor do I express preference for beards over the lack of beards – all people are simply required to grow whatever they have. Foreign men in general very often have just one or two inches longer hair than American men, therefore they are more attractive. Agustin had hair which was slightly longer, although he was putting hair gel on it and making it stand up in spikes, like all the Guatemalans did. It seriously is only an inch or two longer, but it makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD. That which was utterly repulsive and utterly inhuman suddenly becomes desirable after only a few weeks or months of growing their hair and beards out. It is magic.

My laptop battery will die soon, although I can turn it back on and use it again after it shuts down. But I will just go back to bed for a while.

Anyway… I am obsessed. I have an official crush now. I cannot help myself. I already know he will refuse to impregnate me, but I *can’t help* wanting to go after him, wanting to tell him, wanting to touch him, wondering how I am going to ask him to spend time with me away from work – I don’t know how, I don’t know if I have the courage, it will be uncomfortable, it will be sickening and terrifying, it will be painful, it will be abrupt and unnatural, it will be too much too soon, it will be too harsh, it will ruin the process of gradually and slowly getting to know each other – I can’t do it. He will just remain an unfulfilled workplace crush that I cannot really touch, cannot kiss or hug, cannot make love with. I can barely touch him for a few moments, but we cannot fully focus on each other in a workplace. Brief little touches only make me want more.

Oh and I definitely can see differences between Asians and Europeans. Asians do tend to be much faster – faster in speech, faster in movement, faster in skill. Their thoughts are deeper and the things that they think to say are more inconceivable, more novel and unexpected. Mostly, speed is the difference. Myro talks so fast I can barely hear her. Suk is extremely fast at cutting. These are not merely individual differences in skill or speed, but general tendencies throughout the entire Asian races. I have seen it with many more of them. However, the differences, perhaps, are not so huge that I won’t be able to have my crush. I might feel inferior, I might feel stupid, I might feel shallow, I might feel as though my own observations are lacking insight and lacking novelty, maybe. Maybe someone will condescend to mate with an inferior race.

The battery will die soon. I’ll just shut down instead of turning it back on after it shuts off automatically.

Rigged elections

October 20, 2016

Donald Trump is talking publicly about the phenomenon of rigged election results. What! We’re not allowed to acknowledge that the phenomenon of election rigging even exists in america! Now it’s all over the headlines, this discussion of whether it’s possible that election results might not be telling the gospel truth all the time. And BEFORE the election, nonetheless! Rather than in the middle of it when we suddenly, shockingly notice, to our utter surprise, that exit poll results do not match election results. Unthinkable!

On Oct 19, 2016 7:33 PM, "Nicole Binns" <eagledove9> wrote:

This crush has been developing over the past couple weeks. It is absolutely an official crush now. He is an ISTP like myself. Even before I ate the st John’s wort yesterday, I was still becoming obsessed. It’s even worse today. I want to leave work this instant and go find him. I’m past ovulation but my body doesn’t care. South koreans are circumcised, according to the map of cirumcision around the world. But i will overlook that. I cant explain it now since im still on the clock. I just cant bear to be without him here for the next few hours. I have no plan for how to ask him, though. I need a plan. I want to pronounce his korean name correctly.

How to say that name?

October 19, 2016

This crush has been developing over the past couple weeks. It is absolutely an official crush now. He is an ISTP like myself. Even before I ate the st John’s wort yesterday, I was still becoming obsessed. It’s even worse today. I want to leave work this instant and go find him. I’m past ovulation but my body doesn’t care. South koreans are circumcised, according to the map of cirumcision around the world. But i will overlook that. I cant explain it now since im still on the clock. I just cant bear to be without him here for the next few hours. I have no plan for how to ask him, though. I need a plan. I want to pronounce his korean name correctly.

Lard for breakfàst

October 19, 2016

My lard got delivered. I ate a tiny finger swipe of it. I can feel the belly fat dropping off my body right now (maybe). I’m joking. It’s tiny one ounce containers from "Fatworks," a compromise. I believe it isn’t grass finished. I’m testing. It has rosemary, which causes high blood pressure and abortions. But that prevents oxidation, the real cause of fat induced heart attacks. All herbs are antioxidants that can be used for fats. I bought fat pants yesterday, size 14, and I almost had to get size 16. I was 155 or more when I weighed myself. Maybe 157. Too much. Unexplained causes, only in the past couple months. Maybe it’s all these miscarriages. But it began before that. It began at Kaarma before I even had sex. I wonder if hopniss residues cause obesity. They are a protease inhibitor.

laundromat now

October 18, 2016

I had to run errands today. One was unexpected. I was unable to find my phone this morning, and finally found it buried in a bag in my backpack – the plastic bag that had wet dish gloves from work in it. The phone was all wet. Fortunately, this is a phone that I disliked from the beginning and I wanted to get a different one all along, so I am not that upset. It’s still kind of working, but a few things are not working properly – the sound is very, very quiet. I’m just going ahead and replacing it. I’m going to transfer my number to another new phone that is an Alcatel phone instead of an LG phone. I hope the Alcatel phone works better, but I don’t know. Eventually I will probably want to try the ‘bring your own phone’ option with my tracfone, but I haven’t chosen a brand yet that I would want to do this with. I hate all of them, and with good reason, but don’t feel like getting into it right now.

So now I’m just at the laundromat. I washed a few clothes and now I’m just charging various batteries and stuff and maybe I will play a little bit of Terraria. I’m also planning to wash my hair tonight before I leave, but not yet.

At weis

October 18, 2016

I’m typing on my phone. I’m at Weis market. I’m running errands on my day off. I’m going to try to buy more pants to wear to work. I nibbled St. john’s wort growing across the street from here, and I will probably regret that later. But it sometimes makes me write stories. But it also causes severe fatigue. I’ll write more when I get on my laptop later. I have to go to a couple more places. I’m so frustrated at not being able to test my fertility again. That was the most interesting thing that ever happened to me. I had more EWCM again today which was weird.


October 16, 2016

I think Myro is LSE-ESTj, after thinking about it. So Mike is her semi-dual. I remember what a semi-dual feels like. She liked Steve instantly when he stopped by one time to see me. Steve is EII-INFj, my activator, her dual.

Suk is my extinguisher, SLE-ESTp. Today we had a mutually frustrating incident. Basically she said, "You must do XYZ," and I said, "no, I don’t want to," about four or five times in a row. Classic extinguishment (also known as contrary) relation.

I’m ovulating. Every single young male Korean customer who comes to the counter is adorable. All of them! How can every one of them be so cute?

Missing ovulation

October 16, 2016

I had "EWCM" today, a sign of ovulation. Yesterday a particular gentleman pressed against me from behind, but we have not made the leap into actually having sex yet. So I don’t get to perform fertility testing this month. It will be too late if I have sex in the next couple days, unless the semen triggers another ovulation.