Archive for September, 2014

Oops, wrong title

September 30, 2014

11:03 AM 9/30/2014

I don’t have a lot of time to write, because I’m on lunch break at McD. I requested a change back to my schedule that has three days off, because my whole life is falling apart when I’m working constantly like this with one day off or zero days off between both jobs. There were reasons why I did that, but I won’t go into it – basically I was trying to work along with Jesse, but wasn’t able to.

I also have been drinking decaf coffee for the last couple days, which causes me to talk less. That’s been a good thing, because Jesse and I have been planning a side job together, some kind of entrepreneurial thing, something informal and unstructured. Right now we’re just talking about raking leaves and clearing brush and stuff. I’m able to listen to Jesse without interrupting him so much, without jumping in and saying a dozen paragraphs in between every few words. Coffee makes me extremely verbose. I didn’t quit it completely, and I drank a regular coffee today.

I saw the clouds today, and they reminded me of the beach. Probably, ‘they’ reminded me of the beach, because this was an unusual and intense vision, along with a desire to go to the beach. The clouds looked like beach clouds, but normally I would not see the clouds other than as just a vague blur that I don’t pay attention to. Quitting caffeine affects my ability to see, though, and since I reduced caffeine I’ve been able to look at beautiful objects and appreciate them more, but I think this beach urge was ‘them.’

It was just a memory of the cloud structures at the beach, the long lines of cumulus clouds, the infinite distance of the horizon. You can’t feel it, because you’re being zapped – I went there a few years ago and was being zapped while walking on the beach, so I could not look into the infinite distance and comprehend what it was. It requires prolonged mental focus to comprehend the hugeness of open space, and the ability to go out there into it on a boat. I could not understand it or feel it.

I never did talk about ‘The Giver,’ the movie I liked, on the night with the meteor, just before Jesse’s birthday. I don’t have time to talk about it now. But in ‘The Giver,’ there is a similar theme of people whose brains are being controlled so that they can’t see, can’t feel, can’t understand or comprehend the deeper meaning of anything, don’t understand the significance of anything they do, so that they are doing things like killing babies, robotically, without feeling sad or horrified about it. They can’t see colors, and there are no other living things anywhere except humans, and even the trees are fake, like fake Christmas trees, in their artificial society. Insects are gone – they don’t even know what insects are. They are not allowed to have fun, can’t dance, can’t go sledding, can’t express love.

One person is allowed to receive a social memory of what life used to be like before the mind control took away their memories and their senses. The purpose is so that he can advise the council of elders, because he will also remember things like war and murder, which their society is supposed to protect against. So he can advise them how to avoid those dangers, because he is the only one who remembers them.

Anyway this mirrors my own life, how I am being constantly zapped so that I cannot deeply feel or understand anything. The drugs make it worse, and even my caffeine makes me less able to feel or see anything. My brain is badly damaged by the constant caffeine use, and when I quit it, I immediately notice changes, things that were lost which begin to come back, things I can feel or see or understand.

I wanted to go to the beach, because the clouds looked like the beach. I imagined riding my bike, with a tent, with my cats, taking them with me. What do cats do on the beach? Do they walk in the sand? Surely there are beach cats. I wanted to see some photos of cats on the beach. I want to learn how to go fishing, how to build my own boat out of wood, how to camp on the beach.

Jesse and I are excited about our project. We are trying to start a business, but for me, it doesn’t have to be big, just anything at all that is unstructured, where I set my own pay and my own hours.

I have to go now – lunch is almost over.

‘Extra french fries’ option is now available in the computer system on the Happy Meals screen

September 24, 2014

10:38 PM 9/24/2014

I need to write another detailed blog about the McD computer system again. I haven’t written one in a long time. People on the internet are desperately looking for information about the cash register computer system, and lots of them are finding my blog. I don’t think we have an official public help forum for the computer system anywhere on the internet. It’s kind of a secret thing, I guess. But people have a lot of problems and frustrations with the system, or else they simply want to know how to use it, or how to do this or that, and they’re doing google searches and finding my blog.

A while back, one of the actual designers of the system contacted me and asked a couple questions and wondered if I would work with her on the next update. No joke. I kind of wanted to, and kind of didn’t want to. I wrote the blogs while manic, which means I might have been talking inappropriately, like a lot of the other stuff I wrote while manic. I’m not necessarily proud of all the things I wrote while manic. However, some of the manic blog posts are extremely popular and are getting a lot of google traffic. So we have all these people who are wondering about the McD computer system who are finding a blog about mind control, chemical sensitivity, my daily life, and whatnot.

I ended up not really having the discussion with the lady who was working on the next update of the system, partly because she was hoping to talk to me through Skype, and I either didn’t have Skype installed at the time, or else maybe that was when I was homeless and it was kind of hard to go places and use things like Skype on public wifis. I don’t really remember, I just remember it was going to be kind of difficult for me to use Skype at the time, and I don’t really feel comfortable having a face to face / phone / video conversation, when I am more comfortable just writing text and being a hermit and a recluse.

It’s very hard for me to think out loud during a conversation, especially if I’m talking to somebody who disagrees with me, and all I really have to say, in essence, about the McD computer system, is that I hate it and it needs to be totally rebuilt from scratch from the ground up and written in assembly language instead of Ruby on Rails or whatever the heck they wrote it in. (I pick on Ruby on Rails because I used to read another blogger who complained about that all the time. I honestly have no clue what Ruby on Rails is, it’s just some really annoying programming language that brainwashed people like to use because it’s the next big thing.)

So I wasn’t sure I could have an out-loud conversation with somebody about how to salvage something which I see as being kind of unsalvageable. If we were talking about assembly language (which I never did finish learning), or talking about a cash register system that DID NOT USE WINDOWS as the operating system, but instead used nothing but a bare-minimum primitive CALCULATOR and some kind of database, maybe – if that’s what we were discussing, I might be more enthused. But the discussion would have been about how to put a few patches on something that has fundamental problems which would still be unsolved. That’s why I was reluctant. So I ended up never really having this conversation that she invited me to have.

It was kind of an honor to have somebody ask for my opinion, though. I did have just a few constructive suggestions.

Well, here is what happened. Somebody, I don’t know who, maybe that lady, took a few of the suggestions and implemented them, the tiny number of constructive suggestions I had that were actually doable (instead of ‘rewrite the whole thing using only a calculator and a database on a non-Windows machine that runs on solar power or Amish electricity or hydraulic power or something…’) She picked out just the tiny number of constructive suggestions I had and implemented them, or maybe it wasn’t her, I don’t know, but somebody did. I actually saw a few of the things that I wrote about implemented in our system now.

The ones I saw and recognized were the ‘Next Dollar’ button. When I worked at the grocery store, their cash registers had a button that said ‘next dollar,’ which means that if someone’s total was, say, $1.59, they would be very likely to hand you $2, the next higher dollar. This is very common, and so it’s handy to have a button that automatically knows it’s going to be $2, instead of you having to type that in every time. It requires one button push instead of several button pushes, and makes it faster and easier. The ‘Next Dollar’ button has appeared in our cash register at McD now, and that was one of the few small constructive suggestions that I ever had that were doable and which did not require the entire thing to be rebuilt from the molecules up.

The next one, which I thought of because I just complained about apples, was in the Happy Meal section. I hate apples. Lots of people hate apples. McD put them into the Happy Meals because they were trying to make the meals healthier, while still keeping them cheap and affordable. It was really to make them *seem* healthier or to make it seem like McD was *trying* to be healthier or like they had good intentions, but really, the whole discussion of what is healthy and what is unhealthy is ignorant and misguided. If we were going to make anything healthier, we would have to get rid of the hormones in our factory farm meat. That’s what makes people fat, those hormones. Nothing else. You could drink a gallon of grease and not get fat at all, if it was organic natural hormone-free grease. But eat one bite of a hormone-filled chicken patty, and you get fat thighs overnight. So, putting apples into the happy meals doesn’t really address that problem…

Apples are actually one of the lowest quality least nourishing cheapest fruits available in this region of the world. They’re easy to grow here. We grow millions of them. Then, they sit around in warehouses for months at room temperature while all their vitamins decay, so there are few vitamins left by the time we eat them. Even though people might not be using lead and arsenic in their pesticides nowadays, there’s still leftover lead and arsenic lingering in all the soils of all the apple orchards that use to use it in the past, so we still get too much lead and arsenic in our apples. But they are popular and familiar, and so if you throw a bunch of apples into something, you know that the food-phobic people will know what it is and they won’t be afraid of it. I make fun of food-phobic people, but in reality, you wouldn’t want to just go out there and eat a bunch of unfamiliar berries off a berry bush, then die of poisoning. Food phobia has a purpose.

But some people’s diets are extremely limited, and they won’t even eat something from a foreign country that’s extremely popular over there, merely because they haven’t eaten it before and they don’t see everyone around them eating it. For example, tamarinds and lychees are extremely popular and well known in foreign countries, and I sometimes buy dried tamarind candy or lychee juice mixed with my coconut water. Billions of people are eating those fruits elsewhere in the world, but if you walk up to the average American on the street and ask them what a lychee or tamarind is, they won’t know and won’t have ever tried one. Food-phobic people would probably refuse to eat a tamarind or a lychee, even if you told them that billions of people eat them every day elsewhere in the world, and have eaten them for thousands or millions of years.

I’m actually not that good at identifying plants. I want to learn. I just did a google search for tamarind and lychee. The lychee looks like something which is growing in my front yard. I know Mary Jo told me what that tree was, but I can’t remember. I will in the future learn more about local edible wild plants and cultivated plants. There’s this weird tree I’ve been seeing in several places that has a red ball with bumps on it, a lot like the lychee, and I want to know what the heck it is.

Anyhow, so back to the apples thing. We put apples in the happy meals because they’re well known and they don’t require any bravery. They’re cheap. If you believe in the ‘all fruits are equal’ way of seeing things, then you follow the government’s advice and you count the number of servings of fruits that you eat, regardless of the source, regardless of the quality, regardless of what type of fruit, regardless of whether it’s fresh, canned, dried, cooked, raw, or whatever – all that matters is you get your numbers. So if they tell you to eat six servings of fruit, then you’re happy to eat six servings of cooked canned apples, and you think you’re getting all the required nutrients you need because you’re taking the government’s advice. Meanwhile, it’s much more complicated than that. You have to seek the things that have the most nutrients, and if you ate only ONE ‘serving’ of a fresh local organic fruit or vegetable, of a particular type that had a lot of nutrients, you would probably be doing better than somebody who ate a dozen servings of canned cooked apples that sat in a warehouse for a year and came from orchard soils full of arsenic and lead. I’m not saying the happy meal apples are cooked – they’re fresh. I’m just giving the example that it’s possible to cook something till it’s completely dead and all the nutrients are gone, yet you’re still ‘eating a serving of fruits and vegetables,’ quote unquote, if you don’t bother distinguishing any of the nuances of what it means to do that. In that sense, we are providing a ‘serving of fruits or vegetables’ with the happy meals now.

But lots and lots of people didn’t like it. I remember a comic that somebody put up on the wall when we first started serving apples. It was a meme. It had a picture of a baby looking threatening, sort of a mafia baby. I don’t know the name of the meme and don’t feel like googling it. He said something to Ronald McDonald – ‘If I ever find apples in my Happy Meal again, there will be one more pair of balls in the ball pit.’ I don’t remember the exact words.

Well, our computer system, at first, didn’t allow us to say that we were giving the customer only french fries, no apples. We only had the option of giving them apples, without fries. That would make us write ‘Ask Me’ in the computer every time we had to tell people not to include the apples because someone didn’t want them. It inconvenienced us and made us irritated, and we passed that irritation on to the customer, thereby expressing disapproval of their choice to eat only fries without apples. If someone asked for that, it was always a sort of ‘Oh no, here we go, this is a pain in the butt to do.’ It was (either deliberately or accidentally) a way of pressuring the customers to eat the apples whether they liked them or not. If you know it irritates the order taker every time you try to order fries without apples, you might give up and just take the apples so you can avoid making the order taker mad. That’s how it worked.

In the most recent major update, they changed that. Now, you can actually order extra fries through the computer system without putting the ‘Ask Me’ message. ‘Ask Me’ is always a pain – somebody has to go yell something at someone to explain what’s going on. (I’m thinking of a few more things that need to be added in, but I can’t remember what they are now…). So, every time a customer orders a Happy Meal, I don’t just say ‘Apples or Go-Gurt?’ like some people do. I go through the whole list. I say, ‘Would you like apples, yogurt (it’s easier to say than Go-Gurt), or extra french fries?’ And LOTS of people are taking the extra fries and not getting the yogurt or apples. The customers were mostly not happy about the apples – mostly – there were a few people who wanted them, but a very significant number of people did not. So now, they are able to more easily order what they want, without getting an attitude from the order taker who can’t express that request through the computer system. It’s easier now.

I usually don’t try to fix this system because I would do everything differently from the beginning, but once in a while, there are a few constructive suggestions I have that could make it better, and even though I ended up never actually doing that Skype call with the lady from the computer programming place, somebody somewhere implemented a few of the suggestions anyway. I feel a bit ungrateful for not mentioning it until now. It seemed to coincide with one of my blog posts where I really, really Ripped Them A New One. I was all mad because it seemed like McD wasn’t hiring Jesse – it was taking too long and he wasn’t in the system or on the schedule yet, partly because the manager who did the scheduling was on vacation that week, which I hadn’t realized at the time. That was most of the reason why it took so long.

But I blogged about how McD can hire these computer programmers (and I would have used a bunch of insulting names) to make this computer system that I hate, but they can’t even hire my boyfriend to stand around and look pretty and entertain me while I work and keep me company. It seems like it was right about that time that the new update came out and it had a couple of my suggestions in it. 😀 I don’t know what to think. I’m just not very good at expressing gratitude.

I haven’t written a lot of posts about the computer system, now that I am no longer manic (or only just barely a tiny bit manic sometimes, but not all the time). But I wanted to at least give a thank you for whoever implemented the few constructive suggestions that I had, that were doable.

Horrible homecooked American food

September 24, 2014

9:06 PM 9/24/2014

I hope my landlady doesn’t spy on everything that I send across her computer network, because I am about to insult her horribly. I just ate the worst food I’ve eaten in months, and Mary Jo has the honor of having cooked it. I came home from work at a somewhat earlier time than usual, maybe around 5:00, and she texted me, but I was fast asleep. I didn’t get the text message until later. She said she had made chicken soup and apple rustique, which is apple pie that only has a crust on the bottom, not all the way around.

I went down a little before 9:00 and found the soup still on the stove, although it was no longer hot. That breaks Rule #1, which is, never leave food out at room temperature. I know people are trying to cool it before putting it into the fridge, but that doesn’t mean leaving it out for hours, it means leaving it out for just a little while until it’s somewhat cooler, and I prefer not to even do that. I just toss the hot stuff right in the fridge, if applicable.

The apple rustique was so disgusting I could not choke it down. I hate apples. I have hated apples for years. Maybe it’s because they’re everywhere and I’ve been forced to eat them everywhere and in everything since I was a child. I prefer some of the more sour apples, like the green ones, but even so, I still often hate those. I sometimes kind of tolerate apples that are growing wild on local trees, and I like it that they’re usually smaller, because the gigantic apples in the grocery store are one huge fruit of
disgustingness, and the less of it you have to eat at once, the better. Eating only a few bites of horrible disgustingness isn’t as bad as eating an enormous one-pound monstrosity of disgustingness. The apples in this pie were stronger flavored and sour, so they would have been kind of okay. But even so, it was just dry and horrible and, I dunno, something I would never make even if I were trying to make something with apples in it.

This just shows the huge difference between other people’s concept of food, and my concept of food. I have studied nutrition since I was in my late teens, and took a nutrition class in college – just one class, but still. I’ve read books and articles about nutrition for decades. I’ve observed my own reactions to foods. I’ve learned about special diets.

When I make food for myself, I like to try new and unfamiliar foods, foods that the general public isn’t eating very much of or doesn’t know about, or foods that are well known by some people, but less popular – for instance, I recently bought some tomatillos, those little green tomatoes wrapped in a Chinese lantern paper thingy that grows around them.

I also focus on providing the highest number of calories, with as much of it in fat as possible. I also avoid artificial flavorings and pre-made broths, and I assume this chicken soup broth was either what came with the ramen-like noodles in the soup, or else some bouillon cubes or other flavoring. She certainly did not sit around for hours or days boiling real chicken bones and guts and skin and feet to make real bone broth.

I don’t use a lot of grains in my food, although someday I might – I am not 100% opposed to the use of grain, I just tend to somewhat avoid it whenever I am in control of my diet (it’s almost unavoidable when I have to buy fast food). I was not happy about my experience with the millet. I bought millet so I could try an interesting alternative grain. There are many, many kinds of alternative grains out there. When I ate the millet, I also went through a phase of extreme physical exhaustion, and also, my cavity-filled tooth broke off, so I have a badly broken tooth in the back. After that, I read online that millet is a potent anti-thyroid grain (I can’t remember the exact word that was used). It messes you up horribly, which could explain my terrible exhaustion.

And Rami Nagel wrote a book, which follows up on Weston Price’s books, a book about how to cure tooth decay, and he observed that grains tended to cause tooth loss (if I recall). It’s not just cavities caused by bacteria eating leftover starches on your teeth. It’s more than that. The grains interfere with your body processes and your hormones, with anti-nutrients found in the grains, such as phytic acid. Whole grains are the worst. We’re told whole grains are good for us, but whole grains also contain more of the anti-nutrients that cause tooth loss and poor digestion. Some people who have eaten whole grains for a period of time observed rapid tooth decay.

So I believe it was the millet that made my one tooth crumble so badly that it actually shattered during the time period when I was eating the millet. And I believe it caused the severe fatigue and

Anyway, after that, I became even more sure I wanted to avoid grains, even weird alternative grains. I may experiment with them in the future again. I know people talk about ‘properly processed grains,’ but even that, I’d prefer to avoid. You can often make the grains less toxic (according to the Weston Price wisdom) by removing the bran, and by soaking them in water, and sprouting them, and soaking them in vinegar, and doing other things to them.

If I were making something homecooked, it would most likely be in a frying pan, and it would involve several vegetables, as fresh as possible, although frozen counts as fresh – freezing vegetables gives them the best quality for the longest time, it’s just that there is VERY LITTLE VARIETY in the frozen vegetables sold in the store, so I don’t buy very much of them. All you can get frozen is the most popular, most familiar, non-organic vegetables. You can get spinach, peas (I’m sick of peas, and this chicken soup contained peas!), carrots, and that kind of stuff, rather than bizarre esoteric frozen vegetables like cactus leaves or whatever.

Sometimes weird foreign vegetables are dangerous, and they don’t have a warning label. I would not buy cassava – it contains cyanide, and it has to be properly prepared in order to destroy the cyanide. I’ve eaten starfruit once or twice, but I read that starfruit can cause kidney failure or death in people with kidney problems – it’s poisonous, it’s just that people with healthy organs are able to process small amounts of the poison without dying. I don’t want to take my chances with that either. So I probably won’t be eating a lot of star fruit even though it’s an interesting alternative foreign fruit.

Both fruits and vegetables are healthier when frozen. Their texture changes, though, so that when you thaw them back out, they aren’t the way they were – leaves are wilted and soft, fruit is mushy, and so on. If you can tolerate this, then frozen fruit is okay. I read somewhere that usually when people freeze fruits and vegetables, they boil them briefly first, supposedly to destroy the enzymes that cause the gradual decay of the plant. So these vegetables are not completely raw. But they keep their nutrients better while frozen. ‘Fresh,’ room temperature fruits and vegetables have been transported and moved around for weeks or months, depending on what it is, and they have lost nutrients. Nutrients decay faster at room temperature than they do while frozen.

The time has come for organic, foreign, and esoteric vegetables to be offered frozen in large quantities in the grocery store. This looks like a big sales opportunity that no one is taking. They only take the trouble of freezing the most popular vegetables, because it costs a lot of money to run a freezer all the time, so the store is losing money if it keeps a freezer full of things that don’t sell very much. But organic food is becoming more popular, so the least they could do is offer organic vegetables frozen in the mainstream grocery stores. I have only this Weis store within walking distance. I love Wegman’s, but it’s on the other side of town, and it requires several bus transfers to get there, and I also love the Chinese food stores, but again, they’re hard to reach without a car. Food quality is sometimes bad at the foreign market stores.

I absolutely love Wegmans, and it turns out that Wegmans is a privately owned grocery store. All privately owned businesses are better than publicly owned businesses. When a business ‘goes IPO’ and gets sold from the original creator of the business, a committee of advisors takes it over, and they always destroy the original soul of the business, and run it like morons. All businesses are ruined the instant they get sold to the board of directors and the new owners and the stockholders. I’m not going into detail about how it works because A. I don’t know and B. I don’t really care, I’m just ranting about my observations. I only know that private businesses are good, and public businesses are bad, and this is a general rule of thumb. It just so happens that I love Wegmans, and it’s totally different from all the other stores, and it’s also privately owned.

I’m tired and I need to take another nap, but I also want to take a shower, and I want to do the laundry. My life has been absolutely miserable for the past couple weeks. I’ve been working too much with too few days off.

The cat survived a deworming.

September 21, 2014


11:45 AM 9/21/2014

(My camera is horrible.  It will barely focus at all now.  It has been kept in humid conditions and is probably kind of rusty inside somewhere.  When it tries to focus, it makes this noise and goes ‘Ehhhh-ticka-ticka-ticka-ticka-ticka-ticka-ticka-ticka-ticka-ticka-ticka-ticka-ticka-ticka,’ for several seconds, by which time, the subject has moved.  I got all these blurry photos of a moving cat.  I’ve hated this camera since the first day I bought it.  One of these days, I need to make a deliberate effort to buy a camera that I like.  IT WILL HAVE MANUAL FOCUS!  I hate autofocus-only cameras that totally lack any control over the focus.  I can’t take pictures of spiderwebs or reflections on the surface of the water or things like that.  I have one or two pictures of Max that are somewhat focused, and the rest of them show a transparent gray blur.  The photo of him eating cat food is NOT the poisoned cat food, it’s regular cat food on an ordinary day.  I didn’t photograph him eating the poisoned cat food.  Due to the lack of focus, I can’t show you his gorgeous eyes.  They are orangish-brown at the very outer edges, yellow mostly, and then green right around the pupil.)

I’m 40 years old today.

On a different topic, I am interested in natural deworming methods for cats.  I don’t know for sure if Max has worms.  But: he ran away and was gone for days and days, and I thought he was gone forever, and then he came back – so he was out there eating wild foods.  Now he has diarrhea, and I feed him tons of food and he is still skin and bones.  I myself would not be bothered by this so much – I would have more of a ‘watchful waiting’ approach.  But my landlady is bothered by the diarrhea and she was worried about him and has been texting me telling me that he has severe diarrhea.  So I promised her I would get some dewormer at the grocery store, and I did.

I tried it last night.  I thought I was using only a very tiny  bit.  But in my opinion, it wasn’t tiny enough.  And I will have to use it again 14 days from now, because the parasites’ eggs hatch every 14 days.  If I use it again, I will use only one drop of liquid, and I will dilute it with water until it has reached a ‘homeopathic’ dilution level, because I was not at all happy about poisoning my cat last night.

The bottle said to use one half teaspoon per five pounds of body weight.  This cat is extremely light and skinny and bony, but I don’t know how much he weighs – I’m assuming it’s some pathetically small weight, like two pounds.  He weighs barely anything.  So I used much less than half a teaspoon, I only put a tiny bit on the tip of the spoon, and then mixed it into his wet food.

But I did use more than one drop.  It was a ‘pool’ of brown liquid on the spoon.  As I said, if I use it again, I will use only one drop, and I will dilute it with water several times.  I won’t use it full strength, and I won’t use more than one drop.

I watched him and watched him.  First, he ate the wet food as though it tasted okay.  I am an atheist, but there are times when I pray, and I prayed for God to forgive me for poisoning my cat.  After he was done eating, he did not vomit, although I wished he would, because maybe if he vomited, he would get the poison out.

Then, for a while, he was twitching, but again, only a little bit.  Muscle twitching is one of the side effects.  Then he was lethargic and not moving around much, and so I watched him and watched him, and tried to let him sleep on my lap, but he wouldn’t stay on my lap.  I just wanted to see him constantly, and I slept with the lights on for a while.  Just handling the poison had made me sick, too.  I had washed it off as thoroughly as I could.  I washed my hands even after just touching the bottle.

Finally I turned off the lights and went to sleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night and looked for him.  He was on my bed.  I reached down to touch him, and he was cold and dead.  He did not wake up when I touched him.  He was unresponsive.  He was not completely cold yet, still just barely warm.  I sort of rolled my eyes, like, ‘okay, here we go,’ and then I climbed out from under the covers so that I could get closer to him and I turned on the flashlight.  I started petting him and petting him very fast, and then he stretched and woke up.  He was *cold*.  He was unresponsive.  He was slow to wake up.  He was barely breathing.  But he was not completely dead.  After that, I tried, once again, to keep him on my lap so that I could feel if he was alive, but he wouldn’t stay.  So I let him sleep wherever he wanted, and he slept on my bed touching against my legs for a while.  I felt as though I was empathizing with him, and it seemed like he was alive, but just barely.

It was that moment when he was cold and dead and did not wake up.  It was real.  I was ready.  I was prepared to accept his death.  His body temperature really did feel very low, and his body… felt dead.

I knew I was caving in to pressure from my landlady to do something I didn’t want to do.  If this had been my child, and not my cat, I would have been stronger.  There are rules I will break for a cat, versus rules that I will *not* break for a child.  I don’t value my cats as much as my (future) children.  I’m not sure how I will cope with conflicts with other people and society, after I have my children.  I will be accused of neglect, and if people accuse me of neglect, they might take my children away from me and call in Child Protective Services.

Oh, and by the way, I had a conversation with my landlady last night, and she said she *does* take an antidepressant, and has taken it for years.  This, to me, explains her mild obesity, and it explains why I’ve been getting fat.  I need to scrub out the bottom of the bathtub.  I still need to do my laundry, but haven’t had enough time, because I am working a lot of hours.  I’m working too much.  But this is temporary – I won’t be working this way forever.

If my landlady starts nagging me about his diarrhea again, then I will give him that single drop, diluted several times with water on the spoon.  I will not give him more than one diluted drop.  I won’t do this again.  I don’t care if it isn’t enough to kill the worms.  I don’t want to kill my cat.  He seems to be much better now, this morning, but I was terrified all night long while he was sick.  And I won’t be surprised if he suddenly dies for no reason in the next day or so.  Poison takes a long time to get out of you.

I washed the bowl that I had his poisoned food in.  I washed it and washed it, and scrubbed out the sink afterwards, and scrubbed my hands.  I shouldn’t have used my bar of soap to wash my hands, because now I’m feeling a bit of poison when I use the bar of soap.  I should have used liquid soap instead.

I didn’t take the dewormer, but I felt like my own parasites were responding.  I felt something that seemed to be crawling in the skin of my ankle.  I scratched it several times, but nothing was there, and it was on the inside.  I also felt one sharp, stabbing pain in my liver.  My parasites don’t like the tiny traces of dewormer that have gone through my skin.  I can feel the poison and I don’t like it, so I have a concept of what it must feel like for Max.

The one time when I got giardiasis, I took Flagyl, and I had no side effects at all.  Flagyl ought to be legal for over-the-counter sale in the United States.  It’s a non-prescription drug in Mexico.  If I, of all people, can happily and comfortably take Flagyl without having the slightest side effects at all, then it’s safe to be sold without a prescription.  I did not even get nauseated, from what I remember, and yet somehow, magically, it killed the giardia and stopped my diarrhea.  Flagyl was the nicest drug I ever took.  I’ve never taken anything that 1. actually WORKED, while simultaneously 2. having no side effects at all.  There is no reason why Flagyl should be prescription only.

I will be receiving a few components of my dental drill setup in the next few weeks.  I’m only buying a few parts at a time, and then seeing what I can do with them.  I might be able to jury rig a dental drill, but having a few of the right parts, designed for the drill, will make it easier to jury rig.

I don’t have the right kind of cameras and the right kind of lights to be able to film myself in the process of removing my dental fillings.  I could set up a camera to watch me from the side, but it won’t be as believable – I could be just pretending to use the drill in my mouth.  If you can’t actually see me drilling into the fillings, it won’t be believable.  People might not believe my claim that I have really removed my dental fillings by myself (assuming all goes well and I’m able to do it).  There are youtube videos of dental work being done, high quality videos with good focus.  I have a crappy camera whose focus doesn’t work, and it especially doesn’t work on the video setting.  I could use my phone camera, but I don’t think I will be able to attach a video and send it over the internet from my phone – it charges me a lot of minutes just to send one single photo, much less an entire huge video.

I could offer the service for free to anybody who was crazy enough to drive or fly over here to Pennsylvania to meet me and have their dental fillings removed.  Perhaps I could even pay them money to receive this free service.  It would be the ‘hush money.’  Don’t blame me if you don’t like the results afterwards.

The temporary fat phase, continuing – I’m not just getting old, there’s a reason why this is happening

September 18, 2014

2:32 PM 9/18/2014

So I’m still going through an unexplained temporary fat phase. It might not be quite as bad as it was. But even so, this morning at TB my manager was asking about my size because she’s ordering new uniforms for us, and I told her I wanted my pants to be one size larger. I’m at size 10 right now, so I’m going up to size 12. These have been feeling like they are uncomfortably tight around the waist. And these are the pants made for women, the pants that have a little bit of elastic in a couple places on the waist so that they can expand a little bit, because women tend to get bloated when they menstruate, so they need ‘fat pants,’ and then they go back to their regular size.

I have this mysterious blob of fat around my belly that won’t go away, which has been here for a couple weeks or months now, not really long. I’m thinking it was associated with the insulin overdose incident at work, and that I have transdermal insulin still on my clothing, but I haven’t had a chance to really, thoroughly wash everything and/or get rid of stuff. I did improve somewhat when I got some new clothing recently.

I am not sure which drugs dear Jesse is on, so I cannot trace it back to anything that he’s taking, like an antidepressant. Sometimes I have reactions that I can clearly trace to him, but other times I am not sure what it came from right away, and only figure it out later.

MaryJo had a sewing machine that she says isn’t working, and I’m going to test it and figure out if it’s something that can be fixed. If so, I might be able to start making clothing. I want to make some extremely simple, basic dresses, just a solid color, I think, but I might change my mind and make something really crazy and hideous, or something wonderful and beautiful, I don’t know. I might make some things that violate the Rules of Durability and Quality, where, for instance, I might not sew up the hems at the bottom, because I’m too lazy, and it doesn’t matter to me if the hems come undone and unravel in the wash, because this is meant to be a cheap, disposable garment. (The ‘rules’ are not written down anywhere that I know of, it’s just that I know you can’t sell something if it isn’t all professional looking, but since this is for me, I might make it junky. If you sell it, the buyer just assumes that it will be all perfect and durable and that the ends of the fabric will be hemmed so they don’t unravel.)

I really want to do the laundry soon so I can see if it influences the annoying blob of fat that’s forcing me to go up a size.

If I talked about this with other people, ‘normal’ people would tell me something like, ‘Well, you know, Nicole, you are turning 40 right now! Maybe it’s just because you’re getting old!’ I don’t accept ‘getting old’ as an explanation for health problems. It’s true, there really are some inevitable or almost inevitable changes in your body, but there are a lot fewer of them than people usually assume – for instance, Alzheimer’s and dementia are most definitely *NOT* just because you’re getting old. They have a cause and they are
preventable, and the cause is usually, well, all the stuff: drugs, vaccines, malnutrition, lack of sunlight, environmental
illness/poisoning, and so on and so forth.

I should go get ready. I’m in between jobs. This will be a short shift at McD unless they ask me to stay. My schedule is getting weirder now because I’ve relaxed my availability, so I no longer have three days off in a row.

The insulin affected my mind. I hesitate to talk about this, but it made me smarter. The reason why I’m not happy about it and don’t want to talk about it is because that’s similar to what I was doing in the past: I would reject whatever I was accomplishing, because it had been accomplished under the influence of drugs and mania. If I were drugged and then achieved something good, I would reject it and make it non-legit. I’ve been officially letting go of worrying about contamination – it’s still going on, but it’s very mild, and I can’t control everything everyone does. So I will always get contaminated a little bit by other people, by puppets, by things going on out in the world, unless I live in the wilderness alone (and as long as I don’t live in any mining towns in the Arctic that have been abandoned because the entire town is contaminated with zinc and other toxic metals from the mining and refining – I forget the name of that town). I do still have some contamination, and no, I don’t like it, but the levels are low, and it’s not so completely life-ruining, although I definitely am not happy about it and I am bothered by it. I was forced against my will to ruin my new bicycle, for instance. I always said that if I ever went to go buy silver coins again, I would leave my bike at home, and only ride the bus, so that I would not touch the handlebars after touching the silver. All the silver from there has my ephedra residues on it. But I was forced to forget this rule and just go buy silver, ride my bike home, then suddenly say ‘Whoops! I have ephedra on my bike handlegrips again!’ I don’t think I would have forgotten that on my own. The whole idea of going out and buying silver was a forced urge that I had. And now I feel ephedra every time I ride the bike. It is mild, but it is uncomfortable and I feel it. It’s not just silver – silver doesn’t clear your sinuses. Ephedra does.

I have to go punch in.

Note: My diet is NOT perfectly controlled or ideal right now!

September 17, 2014

I didn’t want anybody to get the wrong impression. I am NOT eating a perfectly healthy diet which is all completely paleo and low carb and all that. Not even close. I am still drinking instant coffee with sugar (although it is organic sugar…), I still eat junk food, I still eat bread and crackers, I still eat at McD and TB when I’m working, I still buy candy bars, and so on. Right this moment I’m eating some leftover pita chips (which I actually don’t like very much, but this is the first time I’ve tried them – the crunching noise is a painfully loud high frequency which is like fingernails on a chalkboard – they’re too hard) dipped in hummus. I have a lot of opinions about what type of diet I should be eating, and also what type of food I should be feeding my cats, and I’m only barely scratching the surface of all the things that I want to do. So don’t go trying to copy my diet and then saying, ‘But I got so hungry only a little while after I ate! That meal was unsatisfying!’ Of course it was, it was very low carb, and you will want to eat some kind of sugar or bread afterwards, unless you have gotten accustomed to a low carb diet, which I myself most definitely have NOT. I am still learning and testing these things. It is a work in progress, not a finished work.

Waiting for a couple dental accessories I ordered; cooked something again today; studying how-to books

September 17, 2014

3:48 PM 9/17/2014

I’m going to work this evening, but I have a little while before I go.

I got some how-to books at the library. I did that when I had no power cord for my netbook. I needed to read normal books instead of the computer. So I got a very simplified book about do-it-yourself plumbing projects, some of which take courage and could do permanent damage, such as using a pipe cutter and cutting into copper pipes. There is this neat little pipe cutting tool that rolls around the pipe again and again. I had never seen that before. It scrapes it more deeply each time around until the pipe is cut. I also got two different books about traditional archery and one book about how to maintain cars. All of them were beginner level books.

Today I cooked something but didn’t take a photo of it. I bought this weird sausage on the night of the fireball. I never did write about that night. I bought sausage made from feral swine – wild boars. It isn’t soft, juicy sausage, it’s actually rather tough, more like the organic ground beef I used to have. I think this sausage was organic, too. Ideally, I’d be eating organ meats too, and they satisfy your desire for soft meats that are easily chewed. That’s in the future. I’ll slowly start doing these things now that I’m back in an apartment again.

I mixed this sausage with the leftover frozen spinach (still frozen, I had just chipped off a big chunk before, but now it was frozen too hard for me to chip it again, so I just threw the whole remainder into the pan). I fried it in coconut oil, with garlic cloves and fresh ginger chopped up. The garlic *definitely* destroys my short term memory. I absolutely cannot remember anything at all even for a minute, after I’ve eaten garlic. Other people on the net have described this side effect from garlic, because people often take garlic in the form of a pill for its alleged health benefits. I say ‘alleged’ because, yes, it is healthy, just as all edible foods are healthy, but it might not be as much of a miracle cure as people think it is, but it’s not bad for you either, except for those minor side effects like temporary memory loss. Usually, I can’t remember something I was about to say or do. Anyway, so I added garlic and ginger to the coconut oil, then fried the whole block of frozen spinach and frozen boar sausage, and gradually broke it all apart as it melted.

I fry everything nowadays, now that I believe in eating a high fat diet. In the past I thought it was healthy to cook vegetables in water, and to be sure to drink the water afterwards. But now I know that sometimes vegetables contain toxic substances that you have to get rid of by boiling them in water for long periods of time, otherwise they are somewhat inedible. I’m just cooking everything in various oils, like coconut oil or lard or whatever I have. I haven’t purchased the other fats that I want yet. I also want to buy organic oils of other kinds, like olive oil, and I want to order it online from someplace that claims to not use any hexane in their oil. Oil from foreign countries has no quality control, and is horribly fraudulent. ‘Extra virgin’ olive oil can often contain hexane from the refined oil, which ‘extra virgin’ oil is not supposed to have at all. When I eat olive oil, it burns my throat and is very unpleasant. I tested it by putting it into the freezer, and it froze into one solid chunk. The online source said that olive oil is supposed to freeze into little individual globules, and if it freezes in one solid chunk, then it’s bad, it’s refined oil instead of extra virgin. We can’t regulate oil from foreign countries. But I’d like to order olive oil, maybe from California, which I saw online. I’ll test that and see if it gives me the burning sensation.

This meal of spinach and sausage was really, really good. Spinach supposedly contains some kind of opioid substance which makes it almost addictive. However, it’s one of those harmless natural food substances, not something that I’m trying to avoid. I’m just conscious of it. I do actually try to avoid some naturally occurring substances – I avoid eating anything that contains poppy seeds, because they cause me to go into opiate withdrawal the day afterwards. But for the time being I am not trying to avoid the opioid-like substances in things like spinach and beans and meats. They are not ‘bad,’ they just cause particular things to happen. They are also in some kinds of milk. Some people have reactions to them, especially if their digestive system already has problems, if they have food sensitivities. They can cause constipation too.

I am somewhat sure (not 100% sure yet) that my Tom’s of Maine toothpaste is causing severe tooth pain. The pain is so bad that I don’t want to open my mouth if the wind is blowing into it, because the wind hits my teeth and cools them and causes agonizing, unbearable pain. I don’t know which ingredient would cause that. The reason why I’m not 100% certain it’s the toothpaste is because I have also been drinking coffee without milk, and when I drink it without milk, it damages my teeth more. I just ran out of cream and didn’t get any more and have been drinking black coffee with sugar for a while now. So I will go a couple days testing these things and then I will decide if it’s the toothpaste, and if so, which ingredient is causing the problem.

Not long ago I bought dried organic cranberries. I discovered that organic cranberries taste totally different from non-organic cranberries, and they are much, much, much better! Non-organic cranberries are so sour and so bitter that I can barely stand to eat them. I don’t like extremely strong sour fruits. But the organic cranberries are very mild, barely sour at all. You wouldn’t even recognize it as the same kind of fruit. They are so mild, I could eat a ton of them. But sometimes I can find them in the grocery store and sometimes I can’t, and I haven’t seen them the last couple times I looked. I want to get a whole bunch more of them.

I often eat dried fruits as the source of carbohydrates in my meals, or fruits in general. I prefer to avoid grains, and I also prefer to avoid potatoes (although I’m not really opposed to them, I’m just going through a phase where I’m testing this). So I’m eating these low-carb, paleo-inspired meals where I’ll have a bunch of grease, then some kind of vegetables and meats, all fried together. I am not trying to be extremely low carb. I’m just avoiding grain and potatoes. So I’ll eat fruits afterwards and get some sugar from them. I have a variety of bags of dried fruits, and I try to get organic when I can. The cranberries were awesome.

I guess the last thing that I’ve done recently is, I started finally buying more accessories and things that I need for the dental filling removal project. One of my most popular, and most commented-upon posts, is the one about at-home dental filling removal. Everyone everywhere is having the same experience: they go to their dentists and ask them to remove a filling and replace it with nothing, just leave an empty hole. The dentist responds by saying they cannot do that, it’s unethical, we’re not allowed, blah blah, and the person goes home with fillings that are causing symptoms even though everyone promised that *these* fillings wouldn’t cause any problems because *this* material is different and special and safer than those old amalgam fillings were.

But ALL fillings, with no exception, are an unnatural substance in the body. They all cause some kind of reaction. Some reactions are worse than others, some substances are more toxic than others, but even so, they all cause some kind of reaction, and some people get sick of it and don’t want to tolerate this anymore, as I did.

Everyone was all about how great it was to replace mercury dental fillings with plastic ones. I had one metal filling. I got it replaced with plastic, and while I was there, the dentist ‘TALKED ME INTO’ getting another nonexistent cavity filled, which I had not been aware of, which was not bothering me, but he gave me this dire warning that if I didn’t get this other cavity fixed now, it would be a root canal, because he doesn’t know that cavities constantly heal themselves from the inside, where the root is, because your root covers itself with a sort of ‘scar tissue’ of new bone, constantly, and so it makes no difference that ‘the cavity is right next to the root about to punch through.’

The dentists believe that if a cavity is close to the root, then you’re destined to get a root canal, because it will inevitably penetrate the root. Somehow, by magical coincidence, they are always catching these cavities ‘just in time,’ ‘right before’ they penetrate the root. The reason it always looks like that, always, is because the tooth root is constantly healing and protecting itself by providing a thin layer of new bone just to cover the root and protect it against the cavity. It can’t heal the entire tooth, but it *can* cover up just the outer surface of the root, forever and ever, no matter how much your tooth crumbles and falls off. It will *always* look like the dentist ‘caught it just in time’ before the cavity reached the root, but that cavity will never reach the root, ever, if it’s left alone. The cavity will forever and ever be just a fraction of a millimeter away from penetrating the root, because the root is constantly rebuilding a new wall to block out the cavity, forever and ever, from now until the end of time.

So I got my metal one removed and replaced, and then I got an unnecessary filling in a nonexistent or non-bothersome cavity in another tooth. Now I have two plastic fillings. The plastic fillings caused so many side effects that I decided I wanted to just remove all my fillings and never put anything back into them at all, regardless of the material, no matter how special and magical THIS new

latest-greatest-high-tech material super-natural hypoallergenic blah blah material was. I don’t care. Nothing in my mouth, ever again. I will never believe another word anyone says about any particular substance or material being safe to permanently implant in my teeth. I just want empty holes. I take responsibility for this. These are my teeth, MINE. I decide what’s ‘ethical’ or not.

I still can sometimes feel the side effects from the fillings now. They are made worse in particular situations – for instance, if I take St. John’s Wort, I suddenly have extreme side effects from the bisphenol-A, mostly breast pain and hot flashes (I think this is either because St. John’s Wort affects how my body processes chemicals, or because antidepressants cause me to clench my teeth extremely hard, which might be cracking open the fillings more than usual, causing them to leach out a lot of poison). I had hot flashes and bad moods like I was going into menopause when I first got the fillings. I also had horrible headaches, and I became stupid – I was unable to think. I still, to this day, feel that my brain doesn’t work as well as it did.

But it has greatly improved – the filling doesn’t leach out as much as it did originally – but it did not stop, and it never will. It will *always* leach something into my body, and this MATTERS. There is NO LEVEL that is ‘safe enough to tolerate.’ I am going to try to get pregnant. I do not want my baby’s genitals and brain to be deformed because it was constantly bathed in bisphenol-A out of my dental fillings. I do not want my baby’s IQ to be lowered, I do not want my baby’s gender identity to be uncertain, I do not want it to be homosexual (I suspect that homosexuality is *probably* caused by chemicals, but there might be some homosexuality that occurs naturally for other unknown reasons.). Bisphenol-A is similar to the hormone estrogen and it messes up the baby’s body in countless ways.

So, I’m going ahead with this. I actually ordered a couple things online today that I need in order to use my dental handpiece. I don’t have all the things I need. I don’t know all the things I need. I am learning, and it’s hard to find this information, since I’m not a dentist, and it’s a lot of gibberish and jargon and numbers, and my brain is being attacked and I can’t always focus and concentrate as much as I need to. But I am going through with it, bit by bit, putting together the equipment and making it work. I’m trying to do it without spending thousands of dollars to build a ‘real’ dentist’s office. It will be more of a jury-rigged and informal setup.

That is all for now. I sort of want something else to eat. I think this is the carb craving kicking in, since I just ate that

spinach-and-sausage-and-grease mixture a while ago. I had a few pieces of fruit, but not a lot. I cannot wait until I can order more meats online.

I also want to go hunting and fishing. That will be the best way to get exactly what I want, things that you can’t really order very easily – for instance, fish guts and brains. It might be possible, but not easy, to find fish guts online, and I don’t know if they would be good enough quality to be safe for human consumption. I don’t know if the fish in the streams are safe for human consumption either… but we’ll get to that later. The best parts of the meat are the ‘offal,’ the waste, the organs and bones and things that get ground up and made into pet food. That is the part I want. But I won’t eat pet food because it’s filled with tons of synthetic vitamins and minerals, and sometimes is contaminated with deadly melamine from China.

For some reason, I am being temporarily allowed to study and learn now. I’m reading about archery. It seems that the things I am allowed to learn are extremely restricted though. By the way, I really liked ‘The Giver’ and saw it twice in a row on the night when I was walking home and saw the fireball meteor. But I don’t feel like talking about the movie now, I want to eat something else.

broken power cord again

September 16, 2014

9:38 AM 9/16/2014

I haven’t blogged for a few days because the power cord on my laptop died again. The last time it died, it was that day at the hotel not too long ago when there was a thunderstorm and I believed that either it had been affected by lightning somehow or else I had damaged the cord while gently pulling it out from underneath a small pile of stuff. I had a similar incident with the cord I was using – I pulled it out from underneath a small pile of stuff, not really hard, and nothing heavy, and after that, it didn’t work anymore. It worked once, briefly, again, and then quit.

So I tried to order one from Dell. This is a Dell Inspiron Mini that I got at Best Buy. I ordered a power cord, and Dell’s website said it would fit my system, but it didn’t! I waited days for it to be delivered, hoping it would be good quality and wouldn’t break as easily as the junky ‘universal’ cords that were supposed to fit into any computer.

The reason I no longer had my original cord (I still have the pieces of it, though) is because I cut the cord to stop myself from using the internet during a time when something bad was happening and I was manic. I didn’t cut it while it was plugged in! So I was forced to go without using the net for a while.

But I still have those pieces of the original cord and I can look at it to see exactly what it is. It has no resemblance to the thing that was delivered from Dell or to either of my universal cords that have both died spontaneously.

I went to Wal-Mart and bought *another* cord from Dell. I had planned to buy a universal cord again, but saw that Dell had cords there. This time, it looked like the box had a smaller cord in it that you could attach to fit smaller holes. I brought it home, and found that the smaller hole attachment was extremely tiny, so that it *does* fit in the hole, but it’s so loose I have to hold it in with my hand while it’s charging. It didn’t say it was designed for my computer, though, so I can’t blame them for that. But the one I ordered from the website *did* say it would work!

Returning the power cord and getting it replaced or getting my money back – that’s such a hassle, and I was in a hurry, and that’s why I went to Wal-Mart. I might go to Best Buy again and get another universal one – that one fit the best. Last time I got a universal one, I got it from a weird, small computer store in town where I had never shopped before, and it was some unknown brand.

Whatever, I have something that kind of works if I hold it in while it’s charging. So I’ve just wasted money on two power cords that don’t really work.

So I wasn’t able to finish my project of attempting to move the blog over to Blogger and put ads on it. Even if I copied the whole thing over there, they still might not have wanted to put ads on it unless I found another advertiser besides AdSense. That would require a project, but it would be worth a look. I can use my computer again, but now I have to go to work today, so I can’t work on any projects right now.

Jesse is going through a phase where he’s not speaking to me because he quit McD. I stopped by his house, briefly, twice, and he hugged me but told me to leave, and I did. He says his phone isn’t working because the charger for the phone is broken. That could be true, but he could be lying, because he has said many times before that his phone wasn’t working when actually he just didn’t want to talk to me for one reason or another. I can’t believe he’s just going without a phone for weeks and weeks and weeks.

I want to start using the kitchen here, but there are a couple problems. The refrigerator is stuffed with junk. Some of it is probably spoiled and inedible. It’s a million random jars of stuff and random objects. I say it’s spoiled because there have been incidents where the fridge felt warm when I reached my hand in there. I put my thermometer in there several times. Once it came out to be exactly 40. I turned up the coldness to a higher number, and it barely made any difference at all, and I didn’t want to make it too cold or freeze anything. It’s still kind of iffy – even though I turned it up colder, it still hovers right around 40 and sometimes feels like it’s not cold. I’m keeping my food in the freezer section for now. I only bought a couple of things.

There are good reasons to stay off the internet. I went to the library and got a couple books. I need to read more books now. I need to become more competent and gain skills. I need to learn things, try new things, and provide for myself and earn more money.

fat hormone

September 11, 2014

5:12 PM 9/11/2014

I don’t know the label for the medical approach that I primarily use. It could be called proactive rather than reactive, but it’s not quite that either. It is still reactive, because if a problem happens, I react by wondering what caused it and trying to take away the cause if possible. But it’s proactive because I believe you should start living your lifestyle from the beginning avoiding the things that are going to make you permanently sick.

There are situations where the damage has been done, and you just cannot take away the cause. I don’t focus on those situations very much. I believe in avoiding them as much as possible. Don’t get your gallbladder removed, and you can avoid a lifetime of digesting food without being able to absorb any fat, because that is what will happen if you remove your gallbladder. The medical industry *loves* chopping off your necessary bodily organs so that you will be permanently, irreversibly sick for a lifetime – you’re a repeat customer now, and you’ll be buying thousands and thousands of dollars worth of pills for you constant sick stomach and your constant ill health in general since you can’t absorb any fat anymore.

In my experience, there are people who are just inclined to love chopping off their body parts as a way of solving every problem, and nothing you do or say can change their mind once they’ve been offered an opportunity to chop something off. They’re actually happy and proud to remove body parts, and will brag about it for years afterwards, as though they are special and tough and better than other people for having chopped off their necessary body organs.

I’ve been having a problem for a few weeks, but I’m not quite sure what’s causing it. I am having persistent fatness, just a little bit, that won’t go away. I actually bought new underwear in size 7, one size bigger than I usually wear, because my hips are bigger than usual and my belly is fatter than usual. Normally something like this would go away if I stopped drinking Coke. Coke is usually the trigger for this. My work pants are too tight, even though they have elastic in the waistband. I don’t think my clothes have shrunk – it’s affecting all my clothes at once. I don’t have a scale, so I can’t weigh myself.

It might be:

1. insulin, transdermal, on my clothing still

2. McD food might have more hormones added to it than it used to have in the past, because of rising prices. According to all the official sources, they’re not allowed to add hormones, but there is some unknown substance that I react very strongly to in some of their meats. I can eat tons and tons of organic grassfed meats and milk without gaining weight, but if I eat just one single patty of chicken from McD, I literally get fat thighs overnight. It contains some substance which might not necessarily be a hormone, but could be something that causes swelling or water retention, perhaps. Perhaps they want to retain water in the chicken because chicken is dry (that’s why we eat ORGAN MEATS YOU FOOLS! muscle meat is the garbage!). Some of my fat gain correlated with the McD store reopening.

I want to slam it into people’s heads a hundred thousand times: it’s not the calories, it’s not the fat, it’s the hormones or unknown chemicals in the food that makes you fat. McD food really does make you fat, but you can eat an equal number of calories and fat in some organic meats and dairy products without gaining weight. Making our food lower fat, or making the Happy Meals lower calorie, won’t help if the meat contains hormones that make you fat regardless of how much you eat.

The whole point of hormones at factory farms is to make the animals become huge as quickly as possible with the least amount of food given to them, so that the meat will be inexpensive. THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT: gain weight as much as possible with the least possible amount of food. It doesn’t matter if you only take a nibble, if you’ve eaten this hormone then your body is going to put on weight. The ideal factory farm animal would eat NOTHING AT ALL except this hormone injection, and they would ideally grow to full size and weight the instant they were born. They are meant to grow as fast as possible with the least amount of food. No wild animal naturally grows this way – they have to be FORCED to grow that way. The substance that causes rapid overnight fat gain from tiny quantities of the substance remains in the meat when the animals are killed, and humans eat it, and since it only requires a low dose to work, it has powerful effects immediately after you eat only one chicken patty. If these are GMO chickens or something, producing an unnatural hormone in their bodies, that’s just as bad as a hormone injection, and it’s still affecting humans who eat it. Again, this is not a natural hormone in natural quantities, it’s something very unnatural.

3. unknown transdermal drug from someone else, still on my clothing because I haven’t completely bought new clothes yet, or because of recurring exposure – I never know for sure if Jesse is using any psychiatric drugs because he knows that I absolutely hate all drugs and he might not be telling me the truth all the time.

Passive, subtractive medicine doesn’t sell as many products as active, additive, aggressive medicine does

September 11, 2014

1:59 PM 9/11/2014

One reason why it’s hard to find things to advertise on my blog is because I advocate an approach that I might call ‘negative medicine’ as opposed to ‘positive medicine.’ Positive medicine says: You need to get out there, you need to do 60 laps around the block, you need to do 25 repetitions of this secret specific muscle movement which I will describe in my informational email that you have to sign up and pay for, you need to buy this particular herb. Yes, I do prefer herbal medicine to prescription drugs. But even that, I have a lot of reservations about – I’ve had so many horrific side effects from herbs and vitamins.

I call it ‘negative medicine.’ Perhaps this began with the Feingold Diet. Years ago I found out that I was put on the Feingold Diet as a kid, and it helped me a lot. I tried it again as an adult. It has a ‘subtractive approach.’ You take away things that are causing problems for you.

I see everything that way now. I have a strong tendency to look for what’s triggering a problem, and take away that trigger. I also look for general triggers that are affecting all of society at once – vaccines in general, environmental pollution and household chemicals in general, etc.

I am not inclined to advocate ‘detoxing,’ because ‘detoxing’ always involves taking some other new pill (‘adding’ something), swallowing some new substance which is supposed to ‘do something’ rather than ‘stop doing something.’ I prefer to get rid of the metals, get rid of the toxic environment, and then let my body detox on its own, because those pills themselves contain dangerous chemicals.

And people who use any kind of detox are inclined to dismiss ALL SYMPTOMS AS DETOX EFFECTS. What, you drank a gallon of arsenic and got deathly ill? Just a detox effect! That arsenic pulled all the mercury out of your bones and moved it around everywhere in your body, which caused you to experience those detox symptoms. It wasn’t the detoxing agent itself that caused a lot of horrible symptoms! The detoxing agent is always viewed as completely, absolutely harmless and benign, and it is never viewed as a possible cause of the ‘detox’ symptoms.

So I use ‘passive detoxing’ instead of ‘active’ or ‘aggressive’ detoxing.

None of this makes for a good sale. You can’t sell ‘Quit Caffeine,’ although I *can* write a blog about my experiences while doing so, and I can observe all the effects that happen when I do that. You *can* sell ‘A Pill That Helps You Quit Caffeine,’ but that would be active, not passive and subtractive. I don’t want to add new chemicals into a body that’s already overloaded with chemicals.

My approach is: stop doing something that’s making you sick. That isn’t a popular approach, and it doesn’t sell pills. It’s not just ‘stop doing that particular thing,’ either, it’s ‘stop doing all kinds of stuff, especially stuff that involves taking any kind of pill whatsoever regardless of what it is.’

I’ve got to go to work now. I just spent the last hour vacuuming, and I’m not really done. The vacuum doesn’t work very well, so I have to use the corner tool instead of the bottom part of the vacuum. I probably need to empty it out and all that but I don’t have time.

It’s like a minimum wage for advertising

September 11, 2014

12:41 PM 9/11/2014

It’s like there’s a minimum wage on advertising! The advertisers won’t ‘hire’ me because I’m ‘demanding’ wages that are too high! In reality, I’d like to be paid $0.0000001 per month if that’s what they judge my blog’s value to be. I’m aware that there is a $100 threshold for payout, but who cares, I’d blog for a couple decades before getting a payout, at least I would have a sense of where I was in the process. They refuse to even *start* ‘hiring’ me at such a low wage, and they require me to be ‘hired’ at a much higher level wage than this. There must be some minimum number in their minds of how much per month you must be able to earn before they even hire you at all. They just haven’t explicitly written that number anywhere in their policies. They’ve written that there is a threshold of $100 before they actually send you a check, and I’m aware of this. But they didn’t say that you must be expected to earn, say, $20 a month or something before they will even take the trouble of putting a single ad on your page. I didn’t see that anywhere.

My thousands of pages of ‘nothing’ appear up high in search results

September 11, 2014

11:43 AM 9/11/2014

I’m starting to get bitchy, angry, and weepy, and I feel like I’m getting PMS. I was more angry than usual at ‘the voices’ when I was lying in bed today, fighting with them. I am trying to figure out why I am here at this apartment, how long I am staying here, why am I paying this rent versus sleeping in a tent for free – when I sleep in a tent, I use the hotel a lot, but only during rainy seasons and thunderstorm seasons.

Believe it or not, the fall and winter are the best time to camp undisturbed. There isn’t a lot of rain, so trees aren’t falling down and threatening to crush you, which was one reason why I couldn’t sleep in the rain even if it wasn’t a thunderstorm. Rain makes the trees get wet and heavy so they just fall spontaneously. Up on Mt. Nittany, there were these pine trees, a particular type of pine, which might have been called Virginia Pine, but I’m not sure – they have a short lifespan, and they’re always growing up to a medium size and then dying and falling spontaneously. They’re not the huge trees that live over a thousand years. I’m fascinated with thousand-year-old trees – I love them – I want to create them. I want to designate groups of trees with a long term plan, a trust, that this tree will be uncut forever. Native Americans did not have metal tools, or else they had minimal metal tools, like some copper lying around on the surface of the earth around the Great Lakes, and that’s all, so they weren’t cutting down thousand-year trees all the time, but they did slice off planks of wood from living trees while keeping them alive. I want to learn how to do that, how to cut planks off the sides of living trees without killing them.

Everyone thinks it was bad to camp in the winter, but that was the most peaceful and wonderful time. No thunderstorms, no yellowjackets, no falling trees. Even in the snowstorms, the trees never fell. It was rain, and only rain, and nothing but rain, and not even wind would make them fall, but rain. I had to make a theory as to why. I assume that the trees are spongy and porous, and they soak up the rain from above and from below, and they become heavy, and tilt, and break. These trees were not falling from the roots. They would break partway up the trunk, after already being dead but still standing, and it was almost always this Virginia Pine that was falling in the particular place where I camped. I knew this was a real danger to me, and then, I read ‘The World Until Yesterday’ by Jared Diamond – I love that book, and should buy it – and he found that all the people in New Guinea were terrified of falling trees as well, since they too lived in the forest.

So I was asking, why am I here, in the fall, when it’s the best time to camp? I wouldn’t be going to the hotel much. I could save up money. Why aren’t I focused on building infrastructure in the woods, or buying an RV and compromising and living off-the-grid in an RV?

I bought some abnormal soap and toothpaste yesterday from Tom’s of Maine. It’s nowhere near perfect, it’s still ‘sold out’ and uses many of the chemicals I want to avoid, but it’s in that gray area of compromise where I’m moving closer and closer to the abnormal healthcare products that I actually want, such as ashes for washing hair. I can’t just go out and make a pile of ashes. Things like that require a deliberate effort, and I’m focused on other goals first. I don’t think I even have any matches right now. I might get in trouble if I just lit a fire in the backyard without warning all the authorities about it first. It could be a small fire, though.

The soap smells wonderful. It has actual flower oil or something in it, not just a chemical perfume. I’m washing my hands a lot because I’m handling kitty litter. I don’t normally wash my hands anywhere near this much. There was a small bar of soap already there on the sink, and I started using it. It isn’t causing any dryness. I avoid washing my hands with soap at work because that stuff dries out my skin. It’s meant to destroy every living creature in existence, including your skin cells. I don’t like antibacterial soap. But this is non-antibacterial.

There’s an ad for Tom’s of Maine right there! See, my blog has advertisable content. I just need to tag everything, all these thousands of pages, categorize them, organize them, figure out what their essence is for each and every page – it’s very hard for me to figure out the essence, to discern it, and this is socionic – I’m a sensor, a SLI, an ISTP. Discerning essences is not my strong point. When I try to tag my posts, I am overwhelmed by all the infinite possible essences of my post.

The purpose of tagging is not to merely mimic the keywords that are already in your post, which a search engine could find easily enough. It’s to describe the essence which is not in the words. I might never use the word ‘diary’ in any of my blog posts, but this is a diary. I might never use the word ‘human interest value,’ but this blog has human interest value, for anyone who simply cares that I exist as a human being and is curious to see how well I am doing on any given day. Those are two of the essences that I can discern in my own blog. ‘Rants’ could be one, but I’d have to put ‘rant’ on almost every single blog post, and if you have to tag every single blog post as a ‘rant,’ then you might as well tag the entire blog as a ‘ranting blog,’ and I’d have to write that up there with ‘a blog about electronic mind control, chemical sensitivity, ranting, and what not.’ I also cannot discern the emotional essence of my posts, and ‘ranting’ probably means it’s angry rather than calm. I’m not always angry. Could the essence be ‘endless, boring drone?’ Maybe, but I have more value than that.

I would make a reader-focused blog again. I was reader-focused in the past, but that meant I censored myself. My MySpace blog (long gone, I have no idea how to find it, MySpace has changed its site) was reader-focused, because I was talking to people who knew me in the real world, and didn’t want to say anything controversial. That blog led to the eagledove9 blog, which was also censored enough to be suitable for a general audience, because I still believed it was being read by people I know – I invited them from MySpace. I sort of ‘escaped’ from that and came here, making a new blog, which would be less censored, and I was severely manic back then, so I said things that were sexual and crazy and written by the voices rather than by me. But eventually, after I got established, I started letting people read it, and now my brother and my ex-boyfriend read it, along with a few other random people and people who I know online. Anonymous people finding search terms come here only once to read one page and then move on, as I have not made an effort to seek permanent readers. So I don’t worry about their judgment of me.

You could also tag, for example, what type of logical argument something is. You could tag every paragraph that had an ‘ad hominem’ argument (because that’s one of the few fallacies that I can remember, although there are hundreds of fallacies or rhetorical approaches). That’s just one possible tag that could be used, and it would indeed describe the essence of that post.

Failure to tag things causes what result? I don’t know, but I think it makes it less search engine optimized. I have never deliberately tried to improve SEO.

But I discovered, through experience, by doing this, that merely by writing thousands upon thousands of pages of diary, I have achieved a very high search engine result for many terms. Right now, during this incarnation of Google, quantity matters more than quality. I have enough quality to prove that I’m not a spambot stringing together random words and making spam pages. My sentences are mostly grammatically correct except when I’m being lazy or sloppy or my thoughts are being disturbed too much for me to focus. My paragraphs are mostly coherent, more coherent than a spambot’s random gibberish. So I have just enough quality that the web knows I’m a human being and not a spambot. Thousands of human-written pages, even though they’re ‘about nothing,’ sort of like Seinfeld, have made Google recognize me as some kind of authority. So my results appear up high in the list for searches. It’s thousands of pages of STUFF, and therefore, I must know what I’m talking about. All the medical web pages do the same thing. If a search term appears in a website that has thousands of pages, it must be good! As of this moment in time, that’s what google thinks, and so my search results appear up high.

It’s usually not one single human being writing thousands of pages, it’s usually a ‘group of authority figures,’ such as guest doctor writers making pages on a huge pro-medicine blog. The thousands of medical website pages won’t all be written by one person. It didn’t occur to google that perhaps ONE PERSON would write thousands of pages all by herself, and thereby gain status in the search engine. They’ll have to close that loophole someday if they want to control the information flow and suppress all individual opinions. Gee, we’ll have to make an exception if the author of the blog is ALL ONE PERSON. Let’s make the search engine check to see the author’s name written on every post. Is every post written by a different respectable scientist, all contained within one giant blog site run by medical authorities? If all the posts are written by ONE INDIVIDUAL, that person must be a lunatic and their search engine results ought to be put as far down as possible. We wouldn’t want THEIR search results to compete against the official groups of authority figures writing guest blogs on a huge multi-author medical website.

As of today, they haven’t closed that loophole yet, so one person’s individual truth can still leak through to the masses of people searching for other things and accidentally finding this.

Anyway, the point of all that was, there is a good reason to export this blog over to Blogger, even though it isn’t optimized or organized. The sheer volume, the sheer mass of pages, has put me high up in the search results. I can still get a lot of readers for particular search terms. Even as it is, untagged and disorganized and ranting, this blog, these thousands of pages have value because of their sheer number, and is therefore worthy of advertising.

I have to go to work today, but I’m trying to decide if it’s worthwhile to keep doing the long slow process of exporting my blog over to Blogger. I lost energy for that project because AdSense wouldn’t put ads there right away. I was hoping I could at least START having ads over there, which would encourage me to do more work on it and thereby earn more money. If I were earning $0.000001 a month, that would give me enough feedback to tell me what I should do next. I would know how far I had to go before it became real money. I would have some idea. As of right now, I have no idea how much work I have to do to improve the blog to make it more advertisable.

Perhaps there are alternatives to AdSense then? I never looked to find out. Blogger pages have flexibility, and you can put code like AdSense in them. If I found some alternative advertiser, I’d have to put in the code at my own risk, without understanding it, because as of right now I do not know how to code all that stuff on web pages, other than the minimal HTML. I won’t know what all those scripts are doing, and for all I know, they could install spamware or something. So I would want to find a *reputable* alternative to AdSense, something that can be done by a person with minimal coding knowledge, a clueless person who doesn’t have a lot of free time to spend coding. AdSense is easy – Blogger is already ‘fitted’ to work with AdSense, and all you have to do it go to a particular place on the dashboard and tell it to put up the ads. If it isn’t AdSense, then you have to manually insert the code into the pages yourself. I’ve done that before, years ago – I forget how – I tried using Google Analytics on that blog. I eventually took it off. But I had to insert that code manually into the page.

But yes, it might be worthwhile to see if there are any popular, respectable advertisers other than AdSense who would be willing to start advertising on a blog that doesn’t have enough discernible content to be worthy of advertising.

The Weird Food Punishment

September 10, 2014


After being sick and miserable and frustrated all day, I decided to punish myself by forcing myself to get out of bed, ride my bike to the grocery store, and buy weird foods that I would have to cook at home, instead of buying pizza like I’ve been doing. I also got some other stuff I needed. It was an expensive trip, mostly for the nonfood items.

I got diced pancetta, which is pork belly. It was in the deli/food service section at Weis, not really in the deli area, but closer to where the pizzas and stuff are. I’d prefer to have meats without any preservatives in them, but I was compromising. Pancetta barely qualifies as ‘weird.’ It’s not as weird as buying stuff at the Chinese food stores, which I also love to do. I also got frozen spinach, pico salsa, ginger, garlic, and organic mushrooms. I still had some coconut oil left. So I mixed all those things in a pan. It was really good, but extremely salty. The salsa and the pancetta both already have lots of salt in them. I didn’t add any. I didn’t use any of the garlic yet because I was too lazy to open the bag it was in, but I’ll use it later. I figured weird food was my best chance at getting better from being so sick.

I called off sick from both jobs, but got some organizing done at home

September 10, 2014

4:29 PM 9/10/2014

I was supposed to work today, but I called off from both jobs. I still feel sick and don’t want to get out of bed. I was able to do some stuff at home, though. I moved my bags around and put them into cardboard boxes. I know that sounds trivial, but actually, I threw away a lot of trash, and also, I will hopefully be able to stop the cats from peeing on things, because they had started peeing on some of my garbage bags. Fortunately, I didn’t lose anything that was irreplaceable, but a couple bags had pee on them or in them. I guess plastic garbage bags lying on the floor look like a good thing to pee on. So, hopefully, that will stop now that I’ve put them into boxes and changed them out of the bags they were in, so that nothing smells like cat pee. They seem to go wherever there’s already a smell of pee. I have only one more box that needs to be sorted through, so I can decide what to keep and what to throw away. I’ve filled up most of the trash can outside, which is kind of embarrassing – MaryJo will look in there and see how many garbage bags I’ve put in there, and today is Wednesday, and the trash goes out on Tuesday, so it will be there all week.

The sawdust cat litter really does clump. I didn’t think it was going to. It forms loose clumps that would fall apart if you tried to break them apart, not like the clumping bentonite clay that turns into something like cement and blocks their digestive sytems. I dumped out the entire litter box today. I haven’t done that yet since I got here, which was a couple weeks ago now. It was still the old litter from the previous tenant. So it smelled absolutely horrible, and the litter was totally soaked with urine deep down, and when I dumped it out and scraped out the bottom of the box, the ammonia was so toxic that I had to leave the room for a minute – it was burning and stinging my eyes and nose. I turned on the air vent in the bathroom, but it took a while to clear out. I hosed out the empty box in the backyard. Now I’ve refilled it completely with brand new sawdust litter. I love the cedar and pine smell.

I’ve been doing these things and then resting in bed in between bouts of work. My body hurts, I have no energy, and I feel sick, and haven’t eaten enough good food. I can’t wait until I can get real food into the freezer and in the kitchen.

We talked about the leaky sinks and messed up toilets today. She seems to trust me to be competent enough to fix them. I was right when I thought that she couldn’t get under the sinks because of her bad knees. I’ll slowly work on this when I have time.

I need to vaccuum, but right now, I’m resting. Does vaccuum have two c’s or one? I vary how I spell it. Google says it has only one C.

I’d like to get some food now, but I’m debating whether I even have the energy to go down the street to the grocery store. Riding my bike makes it much easier, now that I have a bike again, but even so, I’m so tired and in so much pain that I barely even want to ride my bike a block down the street to the shopping center. I really need to, but it’s going to take a massive effort to get me out there.

I know it seems trivial that all I did today was clean up a little bit and put my stuff into cardboard boxes, but in reality, putting things into cardboard boxes is crucial for the decon. There are tiny amounts of residues left. I’m just trying to eliminate as much as I can. Jesse will have a tiny bit on him and at his house, but I haven’t been over there enough to test whether I react to it or not. He’s visited me in a couple places where it was on the floor. I am powerless to help with other people’s houses, only my own.

I can’t wait – I’ll be ordering grassfed beef and other meats online. I’ll get various kinds of fat, chicken grease, tallow, lard, and so on, along with pemmican, and liverwurst, and other stuff. One of these days I’d like to get involved with the local farm co-op thing – there are several ways you can order food from local farms in this area. That’s in the future though. For now I will just order this grassfed stuff online and try that first. I’ll have to talk to MaryJo about the freezer downstairs, about making room for a bunch of containers and packages that I will be putting in there. I also need to clear out some space in the refrigerator in the kitchen, because there is tons of stuff in there, and I don’t know if it’s all hers, but it doesn’t look like it’s being eaten. Some of it might be leftovers from the girl who moved out, I don’t know. I need my own shelf at the very least.

I should try to get up and go eat, instead of obsessing about all the grassfed meats and fats that I’m going to buy soon.

weird semi-convulsion thingies, which are sort of getting better now

September 9, 2014

11:36 PM 9/9/2014

I took a bath tonight, and I think there is some kind of toxic drug residue in the bottom of the bathtub. The bath needs to be scoured out with cleanser. It’s not enough (in my experience) merely to scrub it with a scratchy sponge or something. You have to use some kind of scouring cleanser like Comet to get drug residues off the bottom of the tub. I don’t know who used drugs, whether it was a previous tenant, or the landlady herself, or what, but there is something toxic in that bathtub, I’m sure.

I took a bath, and now, a couple hours later, I’m having weird symptoms, mini-convulsions which are partly under voluntary control, the feeling like I want to vomit, but again, that’s also controllable, so I’m not vomiting, the feeling that I’m cold and feverish and want to keep really warm, I’m shaking and can barely walk – again, controllable, so that, for instance, if I were in a public place or at work, I could ‘pretend’ that I was able to walk without difficulty, but it would require a tiring effort. I’m lying in bed, twitching and twitching and twitching, having these mini convulsions, unable to sleep.

It’s possible I had something already on me, which was either washed off, or else soaked all over my whole body in the tub. I have been wearing the McD fleece coat at work because I don’t have my own coat yet, and for some reason, that fleece coat always gives me horrible reactions. I don’t know if it’s something in the coat itself, or whether it’s cigarette smoke residue, or what, but I always have severe problems with fatigue when I wear it, and I become very sick, from something that’s going through my skin, and I’m okay as long as I don’t wear that coat. I’ve observed this in winters past. I absolutely must go shopping and get myself a black coat that I can wear when I’m at McD so that I won’t have to wear theirs. If it’s black, I can probably get away with wearing it. We’re not supposed to wear our own coats because we have to wear a uniform. But if the coat is all black, it matches well enough that people don’t complain. So maybe the reaction I’m having is because of wearing that coat and then taking a bath.

It might also be a residue from Jesse, who I have hugged, but he would have had to take an unusual drug that he usually hasn’t been taking until now. Is he taking any new drugs that I’m not familiar with yet? I haven’t had this bad of a reaction to his drugs previously. I *have* had some other weird reactions to his drugs, but not this particular thing.

Then again, I could just have a fever from a virus. It just seems to have been triggered by taking a bath, though. I don’t know if my landlady uses drugs, like blood pressure drugs, statins, or any of the other horrible things that they prescribe to people in her age group. She’s in her sixties or fifties or something, I forget. She has arthritis and seems kind of sickly and slightly overweight, and I’ve thought that the fatness might be the result of drugs – obesity is a side effect of many prescription drugs. She herself described herself as being overweight and having arthritis, when we talked. I see her weight as ‘normal’ because so many other people are that fat, but in reality, if this were a primitive tribe of hunter-gatherers, then yes, she would be overweight compared to that norm.

Anyway, if she uses drugs, then she’s dropping drug residues into the bottom of the bathtub. I’ll have to clean the bathtub before I take baths in it, and I’ll have to wash off the bottom of my feet if I’m taking showers in there. It could be causing fatigue. I don’t know anything about the other girl/people who lived here before, whether they used any drugs. The bathroom hasn’t been cleaned for a while. I’ve wanted to clean it, but could not, due to my other more urgent goals.

I’d love to call off sick tomorrow, but my mini-convulsions seem to be improving somewhat. I will probably be okay by morning, so I will have no excuse to call off. I’m not used to this irregular schedule and 35 hours at McD plus my hours at TB. But I *must* work a lot of hours because I’m paying rent now, although I feel she would be flexible if I had problems paying my rent.

I need some short-term achievable goals. I need to remember why I am here, what I am trying to accomplish, what is the next step in my goals – especially the dental fillings thing and the healthy diet thing. Those were supposed to be my biggest priorities. If the AdSense goal is going to become complicated, then I won’t have enough time to work on it. It would help greatly if I could work fewer hours at my jobs, but earning an income online is a long term goal that can only be achieved over a longer time span, and will require months or years of website development before it pays off.

Convulsions are usually a sign that I’ve gone into withdrawal from a drug residue, I just don’t know exactly where the drug residue came from.

I did push-ups last night, for the first time in years; still exporting my blog; AdSense rejected my blog (for now)

September 9, 2014

5:56 PM 9/9/2014

The first thing that has happened with AdSense is that I’ve been rejected for lack of content (in the other eagledove9 blog). That blog is much smaller, and I’m importing everything from this blog into that one. This blog has thousands upon thousands of pages. It depends on how you count a ‘page.’ There are many thousands of pages if it were written in the form of a book. There are over a thousand if you just count individual web pages as a ‘page.’

This is a diary. It has ‘human interest value.’ People who continue to read this blog are reading it out of curiosity to see what happens to me, as an individual, as a human being. How’s it all gonna turn out? Will I succeed in my goals? Will my health improve? Will I be happier and more successful at other things in the future? Any interesting thoughts about anything today? That’s all. It’s not geared towards selling stuff.

The AdSense people looked at the other eagledove9 blog, which has only a few hundred posts imported from retmeishka, and said that there wasn’t enough content for their automated web crawlers to figure out what it was about. I myself do not really know the advertising potential of my blogs. I only know that I have a steady stream of viewers every day, and some particular pages and topics are really popular, and if I chose to emphasize those things that my readers are interested in, I could make more pages that were very popular.

For some people, it might be easy and natural to do something that takes a lot of effort without ever knowing how it might pay off. For me, that is not easy. I like knowing that I’m already getting paid. So I would like it if I had an advertisement that earned me one penny. I’d be like, ‘Yes! I got paid!’ And then I’d be motivated to try again and earn more by doing that same thing. But if I’m not getting paid yet, I don’t really feel like going to all the effort of doing this and that, without being paid at all, not even a little bit. Even if they were only willing to pay me a fraction of a penny, like $0.0008 or something, for some particular page, that would give me a feel for how much I was earning, and would encourage me to try harder and do it again. Any tiny number greater than zero is fine with me.

There cannot be ZERO value on a website that has this steady stream of fifty people a day, with a few really popular pages and popular topics that people search for over and over again, which I could write more about and draw more attention to. That has a value greater than zero. The value might be ‘unknown,’ or it might be ‘a fraction of a penny,’ but nevertheless, it has an advertising value greater than zero.

I have to import it into Blogger because Blogger lets you make changes to some of the coding in the web pages, so that it’s possible to put up things like AdSense or other stuff on the pages. There might still be some limits about what kinds of stuff you can put on there, but there’s a lot more allowed than there is here on WordPress. I went to WordPress because I didn’t like Blogger for some reason, years ago (and I don’t really even remember why?), but now I might be moving back to that old blog – or rather, I’ll continue to use both, and do a mirror blog. No harm would be done if I mirrored my own blog a dozen times on a dozen different blogging platforms.

I’m not willing to pay for anything yet. I want to try stuff that’s free before I try things I have to pay for. So, WordAds is out of the question for now. WordAds is offered by WordPress. In order to use WordAds, you have to register your blog as ‘’ rather than ‘,’ and that costs money. Yep – you have to PAY MONEY in order to get permission to run ads that are supposed to EARN MONEY for you – so you have to be sure that you’ll earn more than you paid. The money I make through advertising will almost surely be less than the money it costs me to register my domain name. How many people succeed at that? Not everyone. Maybe some. There will be lots of people who pay to register their domains, then fail to earn much income from the ads, and then just give up on the project.

I might do it in the future when I’m more confident that I can make lots of money, but for now, I’m just experimenting, and I don’t want to pay for it. It’s not a huge amount of money, but even so, I could try a hundred different times with different things that all cost $30 each, and they’d add up to $3,000. That’s a silly example, but I’m just saying, if I keep doing random experiments and failing at them, and spending $30 or $50 or $70 each time, all those failed experiments add up. I want my failed experiments to be free.

So for now I’m just importing my stuff gradually into the eagledove9 blog, and then, every so often, having to take a break from that because blogger tells me I’ve imported the maximum number of posts. I’m not sure how long you have to wait before you try again. It gave me that message last night, and I did it again this afternoon and it worked again, so it was, I dunno, maybe twelve hours or something. I can’t remember what time I was trying it last night when it gave me that message.

My body hurts because of Jesse. Jesse wants to go into the military. I’ve been fighting for him NOT to do that. However, now he’s talking about the Coast Guard, and he seems to have found a ‘gray area’ that I can almost tolerate, because the Coast Guard doesn’t get deployed to go invade Iraq and stuff quite as much as the other branches of the military. I’m still not happy about it, and I don’t know much about it, and I absolutely do not trust any branch of the government or the military at all.

His brother went into the military and went to Afghanistan and came back – and I think another brother died over there. Or, somebody they knew. I saw a photograph of someone and it said they had died, but I don’t remember the name on it. He has a bunch of brothers and sisters. I’m still not 100% certain that he’s not adopted. He is a compulsive liar – he admitted to me that he was – and I never know for sure which stories are true and which are false. He told me he was adopted, and then later on he said that was a lie, he actually wasn’t adopted. But he *looks* like he’s adopted, because his parents and his siblings do not have dark brown-black curly hair like he does. His hair is thick, black, curly, and has the texture like Middle Eastern hair. The rest of his family has more northwestern European hair, straight and lighter in color, ranging from brown to blond (and his mom’s blond hair might be dyed). He tells me that he looks like his dad, and yes, his dad does have slightly coarser thicker hair, but it doesn’t seem to be as coarse and black and thick as Jesse’s. Jesse also has a huge amount of black hair on his legs. I love hair, so that is fine with me, but I’m just noticing that he seems different from his family.

Anyway, because some of his family has been in the military, Jesse thinks it’s okay to do that. We were talking about it last night at work. A girl named Kierstan was there. She used to work at our store, then left McD, then got rehired and worked at a different store across town. She’s thinking about trying to come back to our store here. I always kind of liked her, and thought she might be an LSE, but I wasn’t sure. I could be wrong.

She talked with me and Jesse last night. I mentioned vaccinations. I said you have to get a lot of vaccinations in the military, and vaccines are extremely bad for you. Kierstan agreed. She said she only got one mild cold every year or so, nothing serious, but the year when she got the flu shot once, she got horribly, horribly, deathly sick with the flu. The only thing that ever gave her the flu was the flu shot, and normally she didn’t get it at all. So she said she never gets flu shots anymore. Flu shot victims do not give ‘repeat business’ after their first experience. The flu shot profits depend on the fact that ‘there’s a fool born every minute,’ some new person who’s never experienced the ‘I got the flu shot and it was the only thing that ever gave me the flu that badly’ phenomenon.

But Jesse thinks that he can handle all the vaccinations. His brother did fine with them (did he? would any of them have recognized it if he hadn’t? if his brother had chronic problems now from the vaccines, would anyone in their family know that it came from the vaccines? or would they just dismiss it as something unexplained?). Jesse already has serious mental problems and has sometimes been using psychiatric drugs. He seems like exactly the type of person who *would* suffer a really bad reaction from 18 vaccines at one time, even in adulthood. He’d have another ‘psychotic break’ and would ‘relapse’ into his ‘schizophrenia’ that he’s been diagnosed with. Nobody would connect it with the 18 vaccines at once.

Jesse is very blithe about dangers – oh, it’s not dangerous, I can handle it – right before having some kind of injury or accident. I try to tell him, don’t do this, don’t do that, don’t get hurt, and he just brushes me off. I was showing him how to clean the grill at McD and I said, ‘Don’t touch the top of the grill.’ What did he do, but, a moment later he tapped his hand against the top of the grill and burned himself.

I have to mention that sometimes ‘they’ force people to have these kinds of accidents. I was cleaning the grill once in the past, and I forget what was going on, but ‘the voices’ were ‘punishing’ me for something, and I got attacked with voices while cleaning the grill, and felt my hand move by itself so it touched something hot and I got burned. I didn’t move my hand – it got moved.

Jesse gave me the book to study for the ASVAB test (a test you take to get into the military). I was sort of tutoring him. It was very hard to teach him math. I could not even follow how his mind was working. He was using intuition to do math, and just started randomly doing calculations, grabbing numbers out of the word problems and
multiplying them together or explaining something that didn’t make sense to me (‘Okay, this is 30%, so 30% equals 100%’), and doing the arithmetic in his head very quickly, sometimes getting it wrong and sometimes miraculously getting it right, when I was slowly following behind, doing the calculations on paper, sometimes matching his arithmetic and other times having an answer in a completely different universe than his.

And yet, we were having fun and laughing a lot. I really enjoyed trying to tutor him to take the ASVAB test. I took it myself, online, a fake version of it, which I think was shorter than the real version, and I got 98%. I only missed one question: which type of oil should you use with a diesel engine? The answer was ‘CD.’ I randomly picked ‘SAE’ because I had no clue what it was. I had a few lucky guesses – it was a long time since I took any physics classes, but I correctly guessed Ohm’s Law, where you have I=E/R or something like that, or maybe it was … yeah, that’s it actually. I got that right by lucky guessing. The others just seemed too complicated. That doesn’t mean that I can *recall* the answers, it just means that I can recognize them on a multiple choice test, which has hardly any connection to being able to use it in the real world.

I am still very curious to understand how Jesse does math. I don’t want to discourage him or tell him that he’s wrong. He might be able to learn ways of doing mental math, with intuition, using his own way of doing it. But he would need the right teacher – I’m picturing an Alpha ILE type. Or maybe even an ESE. I say that because somebody typed a famous math author as an ESE. I don’t remember who it was.

But since then, I started reading this ASVAB book occasionally. Jesse left the book over here for me to look at. I wanted to read about electricity and electronics. I read some of that today. I’ve always wanted to learn more about that, especially now that I’m being attacked with radio frequency weapons. I still intend to build a shield in the future. I will need to know about material science, and how to block the particular types of waves that are being used to attack me, without knowing exactly what they are. I will have to do it by trial and error, and observe my own experiences and sensations while meditating inside the shield. I was being attacked a lot while reading the book.

Last night at McD, Jesse was mopping the lobby, and we were talking, along with Kierstan who was sitting in the lobby playing video games. Jesse was telling me to do pushups. I had said to him that exertion made my chronic fatigue worse, that I failed to recover from exertion, that all it ever did for me was make me more tired, not more energetic, and that I avoided exercise as much as possible. I was already very tired because I had ridden my bike uphill very fast, standing up on the pedals, and I almost never do that because it makes my whole body hurt for days. But I did it that one night because it was freezing cold out and I didn’t have a coat and wanted to get home quickly.

Jesse was convinced that exercise would help me. I dropped down on the floor in the middle of McDonald’s and did pushups with my big heavy backpack on, with my clothes and laptop in it. I could only do a few with the backpack on. I also did some seal clap pushups, where you clap your hands after pushing up. Now my arm muscles hurt all down the sides of my ribs. It was fun though. But I had to stay in bed all day long today. Fortunately I was off work. I just want to avoid doing things like that because it might cause me to call off sick from work. I was trying to explain to Jesse that ‘chronic fatigue syndrome’ is a real thing and that I have it. It’s mild for me nowadays, but I still do not have the energy that I would like to have. There are many things that could have caused it, in the past and also in the present. I cannot do all the experiments I need to do, such as completely quitting caffeine cold turkey, and eating nutritious foods, and living in a cleaner, healthier house, and getting rid of toxic products like shampoo, and so on. I cannot undo my vaccinations, I can only try to make myself healthier in other ways.

Well, so anyway, I’ve been reading about electricity, and learned something that I vaguely remembered was confusing to me. The ASVAB For Dummies book said that in the military, they talk about
electricity flowing through a circuit from the negative terminal towards a positive terminal, because electrons themselves are really flowing that way; but ‘conventional’ models talk about electricity flowing from the positive end towards the negative end, because some kind of voltage or potential or ’empty space left over by electrons’ is going in that direction. I’m not going to bother explaining what this is all about, except that I vaguely recalled having encountered this before and being confused, seeing two different models going in opposite directions and not knowing why. Now I know.

If I had infinite free time (like the free time I’ll have when I can quit my day job because I’m earning $1000 a month from AdSense – ha ha), I’d read all the Schaum’s Outline books about electricity and all that – in fact, I would just read every one of the Schaum’s books about anything at all. But in real life, I have very limited time, and can only invest my learning into things that will pay off immediately.

The AdSense email said that they would be willing to examine the blog again if I added more content to it. I’m still struggling to import Retmeishka into there, and even then, it’s still the ‘human
interest/diary’ type of content, and not suitable for ‘selling stuff’ type of ads, so even then they might reject it anyway. But even so I’m going to finish importing it to Blogger, and go from there.

Maximum number of imports? Unacceptable.

September 8, 2014

I was successfully importing my blog into Blogger. At first, I just imported them. Then, after testing it, I decided to publish them. Maybe there is a maximum number of posts you can publish or something. It started giving me CAPTCHA tests every time I tried to import, and then finally it told me I had exceeded the maximum number of imports, and I should try again later. I googled this, and other people had the same thing happen, but they viewed it as abnormal, a glitch. Nobody had an answer for them or a way to fix it, or any information about how long you have to wait, or what exactly you did wrong. One person suspected it happened because they told it to automatically publish the imported posts. I myself also seemed to be doing okay until I did that, but I’m not sure. Now I can’t import anything at all, regardless of whether I tell it to automatically publish them or not.

chronic fatigue today

September 8, 2014

4:49 PM 9/8/2014

I’m suffering from painful, debilitating fatigue for the last couple days. My whole body hurts and I’m reluctant to get out of bed at all. I made it to work, but I’m not happy about it. I was obviously sick a couple days ago and knew I was sick, but now, I just have fatigue and am not obviously sick. It’s just pain all over my body and a reluctance to move.

I got the ‘football flu.’ When thousands of people come into this town to go to the stadium every week or every other week for the home football games, I get sick every time like clockwork. I’ve never gotten sick as much anywhere else that I lived. It’s this town, and the football flu.

I still do not know all the causes of my fatigue and can only speculate. I did things years ago right around the time that I started describing myself as having ‘severe chronic fatigue.’ That was in the year 2000 or so. I did get a shot, a tetanus shot, because I didn’t know any better, and I had gotten poked with a sharp screw, and I was just raised in a culture that told me, ‘If a sharp metal object pokes you, you need to get a tetanus shot right away, no questions asked.’ So that was what I did.

I also got extremely sick when they sprayed for gypsy moths, with a spray that was described as a non-pesticide that was harmless to human beings. They said it contained a bacteria that messed up the digestive systems of the moths so they would die. Well, it messed up my digestive system – for months. If I recall, that was the time when I nearly starved to death.

However, I had also been donating plasma around that time, another possible cause. I, and several other people on the internet, have observed that donating plasma causes you to get severe, extreme, horrible stomach problems lasting for months, so that you can barely eat. I do not know the exact details of how or why it causes this, I only know that we have observed it.

There is one thing that I like to mention in the debate about vaccines. It’s not just the mercury and the chemicals, it’s also the viruses themselves, whether it’s the viruses that are intended to be in there, or the extra viruses that aren’t intended to be in there. Anti-vaccine people might not like to talk about the harm done by the viruses in the vaccines, because it implies that viruses themselves can cause severe, chronic illnesses, which might make it seem like you don’t want to ever catch those viruses in the normal way, because you might get the same chronic illnesses. It might make people think that getting a ‘weakened’ version of the virus is probably better for you.

I disagree – I think you’re still better off catching the virus without a vaccine. But yes, it’s true – people who catch viruses can indeed suffer complications from viruses. I just believe those complications are less likely and less harmful in general than the vaccines themselves.

I was recently reading a web page where someone documented the health problems suffered by people who were vaccinated, versus people who were unvaccinated. People who were vaccinated tended to catch the very illnesses that they were vaccinated against, whereas the unvaccinated people didn’t catch those things. I know, WTF, right? The vaccinated people also had much higher numbers of other illnesses.

gotta go – time to work…

I don’t remember exactly why dryer sheets are bad for you, I just vaguely recall that they probably are

September 8, 2014

3:32 PM 9/8/2014

This is one of my weird picky things that are inconsistent. I mentioned to MaryJo that I was about to do the laundry for the first time and that I would have to figure out how to use the machines. She told me she usually kept the washer on ‘cold,’ because she had read that putting it on ‘hot’ made little or no difference, while still costing more by using up your hot water. That was fine with me, so I washed them on ‘cold.’

The other thing she mentioned was dryer sheets. I do not use dryer sheets, and I never have, unless somebody left a used one in there and I left it in by accident. She said she had a little thing, a sort of insert, in the side of the dryer, which was permanent and which always dispensed the dryer sheet stuff for a few months. She said it was used up and needed to be replaced.

I had never heard of this before. When I went down there, I looked inside the dryer and found it, and I gently removed it. It wasn’t completely gone, and there was still plenty of waxy stuff left in it to get onto my laundry. So I took it off and set it on the floor while I dried my clothes.

My first thought was that I didn’t want her to see that I was taking it off and putting it on the floor. She had mentioned dryer sheets and the little dispenser thing in a well-meaning way, and I hadn’t criticized her about it, I just went along with it, yeah yeah, dryer sheets are necessary and helpful and beneficial, sure, we need a little dispenser thing on there permanently. Okay. I didn’t want her to know that I was judging her and disapproving of her lifestyle and the use of dryer sheets, because I vaguely remembered reading somewhere that dryer sheets were bad for you, and since I didn’t care about them and didn’t need them anyway and didn’t mind drying my clothes without them, I might as well pull out the little dispenser.

I’m inconsistent about this kind of thing. I’m still using normal laundry detergent, normal shampoo, and normal hair conditioner, and right now I’m also using normal toothpaste. In the big scheme of things, I don’t want to use that stuff and I want to find
alternatives. I need to settle in first and get my life into a stable routine before I start looking for products and alternatives and all that.

I’m also buying normal cat food, although I did buy something slightly special and slightly more expensive – cans of food that don’t have grain in them. But I’m smart enough to read the ingredients. They don’t have grain, but they have potatoes in them. In fact it says right on the front that this is the something-and-sweet-potato flavor. I bought them anyway. Cats don’t eat sweet potatoes. I don’t even eat sweet potatoes. Last time I attempted to buy sweet potatoes at the grocery store and cook them for myself, they gave me *horrible* diarrhea. They had a violent laxative effect. Since cat food is full of iron sulfide or whatever, some toxic mineral iron supplement which causes constipation, then maybe having some sweet potatoes in there to provide a violent laxative effect is a good thing.

Ideally, I would be feeding my cats raw organ meats, and whatever else they would naturally eat in the wild while hunting rodents and whatever. I don’t think cats eat the stomach contents of the animals they kill. Supposedly, dogs and wolves do – they will therefore eat some grass and grain and whatever the animal was eating. Wolves and coyotes also eat some really weird things, like berries growing on the bushes. So, dogs have a more varied diet. But supposedly cats are more of a pure carnivore. They most certainly should not be eating sweet potatoes. I’d feed them some raw organ meats, and then, I guess I would just have to ignore all the parasites that resulted from it. I know raw meat is always full of parasites, because I have tested a few tiny bits of it on myself, and every time I ate even a tiny bit of raw meat, I would feel parasites crawling through my body later that night. They are extremely disturbing and uncomfortable. They go away on their own (assuming you have a normal immune system). They are probably all encapsulated in little cysts inside all my muscles right now, for all I know, and someday, when the aliens come down from the sky in a UFO and hunt me down and eat me, they will get parasites.

I’ve been too busy doing the laundry to finish my adsense project.

I put the little dispenser back into the dryer after I was done. I didn’t want her to know I was disapproving of the dryer sheet thingy. I need to go read about it and find out why they’re bad for you. Just another one of the millions of chemicals that go through your skin and cause obesity or something, or xenohormone effects, or whatever. But I’m still using lots of other stuff that does that too. Someday, it’s gonna be shampoo made of ashes and vinegar, or whatever. But not yet.

Conflict of interest, or justice?

September 8, 2014

2:44 PM 9/8/2014

Imagine that I was complaining about how much I hate antidepressants and how evil they are. All I have to do is mention the word ‘antidepressant’ and the names of a few of them, and it’s likely that my ads will be selling antidepressants.

You’re able to block out categories of ads that you don’t want appearing. But I thought about this. If anyone visits my website to read me bashing on pharmaceutical companies, complaining about how evil and stupid they are, and describing the horrible things that happen when you take pharmacuetical drugs, are those readers really going to be stupid enough to click on an ad for drugs, and go there and buy drugs online? If they are, it’s their own fault.

I don’t see it as a conflict of interest. I could block that category of ads if I wanted to. I’m not depending on the couple of pennies of income that I’m probably going to get from this – I haven’t quit my day job. My life doesn’t depend on pleasing the pharmaceutical companies. If they really wanted to read the content of my pages and then decide not to put their ads there, they’re free to do that.

I see it not as a conflict of interest, but justice. The
pharmaceutical companies themselves will be paying me to badmouth their products! Hahahahahah! I get paid to tell the truth, by the very people who I’m telling the truth about, because they can’t be bothered to come here and read my page and find out that I’m mentioning the names of their drugs to say how horrible and evil they are. I can get rich quick from pharmaceutical company ad payouts, then use the money for some godly purpose, such as educating people about the harm done by drugs, or maybe, going to the local high school and buying back all the drugs from all the kids so they’ll have some money to use for other things. (That’s a joke.) But yes, kids do resell their prescription drugs. Someone could buy them all back on purpose, to prevent the kids from having them (but then the kids might use the money to buy illegal recreational drugs instead).

So I’ll decide whether to block ads for prescription drugs on the pages where I talk about how evil those drugs are. In fact, the more I talk, the more those ads get viewed. Which is going to influence people more – hundreds of paragraphs of truth, next to a teeny little one-liner advertisement for a drug? I can decide later how I really feel about it when I see it. If it makes me feel bad, then I’ll block them.