Archive for July, 2011

I feel safer without a home. I can finally imagine having a baby now.

July 30, 2011

I feel more safe, not less safe.

This morning I slipped a ziploc bag with my keys in it through the mail slot of the apartment office.

I slept in the apartment last night.  I had asked my landlady exactly which day I had to be out, and she said by Saturday.

Yesterday I did some cleaning.  First I cleaned the sinks, the bathtub, and the toilet.  Then I started cleaning the vinyl floor of the bathroom.  Then I worked on the refrigerator in the kitchen, and also the vinyl kitchen floor.  This is the refrigerator that had the vapors in it from when I cooked bone marrow.  That was in, I think, December 2010.  It was over a year ago.  I could look at my blog to make sure – I wrote about it when it happened.  That date might be wrong, but it was over a year ago.  The vapors spread around inside the fridge and contaminated any food and drinks I put in there, so I could not use it.  Every time I ate or drank anything, I would get vomit urges triggered by the marrow vapors.

Yesterday I was spraying out the fridge with some window cleaner, just because that’s what I had.  As I was cleaning it, I started burping forcefully, the kind of burp where it just keeps pushing upwards and outwards, and it doesn’t stop.  That’s the vomit signal that I kept experiencing when I ate anything in the fridge.  Merely smelling it and cleaning the fridge was enough to make it start happening again.

Then I started feeling extremely exhausted like I was going to pass out.  I laid down in bed for a while.  I felt like I had very low blood pressure.

I got up and use the kitchen sink sprayer hose to spray out the fridge.  I didn’t care that the water went all over the floor, but I didn’t want it to leak through the ceiling below.  But it needed lots of water.  I wiped it out with a cloth. I did the best I could.  There are limits to what I can do.  I’ve already done things like aim a fan directly into it, blowing at the highest speed. It didn’t help. It might have helped a little, but not completely.

So after I finished spraying out the fridge, I went out to Fisherman’s Paradise and took a walk to get some fresh air and feel better.  I went looking for a huge, palm-sized wolf spider that I had seen last time I was there.  I didn’t find it again.

It had been out on the rocks next to the creek, the manmade rock area.  I had picked up a stick and gently touched the spider’s leg.  It jumped, startled, as apparently it hadn’t seen me crouching over it – perhaps it was asleep, or meditating.  I started laughing and I touched it again, and it jumped and ran under a rock.  This sounds sadistic, but I wasn’t hurting it.  I was laughing because it scared the living crap out of me.

So after failing to find the spider, I went home, and continued cleaning.  I wiped off the kitchen floor to the best of my ability.  The landlady will get people to professionally clean the carpet.  I am going to just give up and leave the drug residues, since I cannot prove to anyone else that they are there.  The new tenant will have incurable insomnia and will probably go to the doctor to get prescription sleeping pills because of the ephedra on the carpet.  Again, there are limits to what I can do.  I already tried shampooing the carpet many times at the previous apartment.

I said goodbye to a couple neighbors.  I don’t like leaving people – it hurts – but today, I hardly care at all.  I wasn’t close to any of them, and I was extremely antisocial and I refused to form any bonds.  My bonds are different.  A bond is an extremely serious thing.  I don’t bond casually.

I slept in the apartment, on a new piece of cardboard.  I’ve slept on pieces of cardboard for the past couple years.  This is nothing new to me.  It’s unthinkable to anyone who is used to comfortable beds.  I sleep like an animal, on the hard floor.  I enjoy sleeping in soft beds, but when everything you own gets contaminated with ephedra, you don’t want to own anything anymore, and you want everything to be disposable so that you can change it frequently.

I was having a dream that the carpet cleaners came in while I was still here, and I hadn’t moved my stuff out yet.  I had to hurry and carry all my stuff out and down to the car while the cleaners were walking around the apartment.  When I was forced awake, at 6:00 AM, I realized that I had no idea when the cleaners were scheduled to arrive.  It could have been today, tomorrow, Monday, whenever.  They might really come in while I was still lying in bed.  The landlady had said ‘by Saturday.’  So I carried down the last of my stuff and put it in the car.

I had one cup of coffee this morning.  That’s my last cup for now.  I’m past the urgent deadline and I no longer need to hurry, so I can afford to slow down again.  That means I will once again be living at a lower level, intellectually and physically.

So I slipped the keys through the mail slot of the office, and then I drove away.

I decided to go to the dam at Howard.  It was still early.  I had things to do, but nothing was open yet, and I wanted to wait until probably around 9:00.  I need to make some phone calls and go to the storage unit.  I haven’t shut off my phone service yet, but the landlady will do that eventually.  Still, I will call them to make sure that I’m not being charged for anything anymore.  And I have to give people my PO box address too.

I was driving in my car and I had this feeling of freedom.  It wasn’t a manic feeling.  It wasn’t the kind of overwhelming intense energy where you want to do a million things and you can’t possibly do them all.  Instead, it was a quiet realization that I was free of an unwanted burden.  I no longer have to go home to that inconveniently far away location and drive back and forth to work every day.  I can sleep somewhere close to work and have a short drive.

I won’t have to drive a long way to get good food either.  Bellefonte has horrible food!  They have, like, ten different Italian restaurants and pizza restaurants, and that’s all:  wheat flour and tomato sauce and nothing else.  I just so happen to dislike bread and pasta, for the most part, and I no longer believe in eating grains, after reading Weston Price’s and Ramiel Nagel’s books. So I can stay close to a place where good food is easy to find.

I wandered around the lake.  I visited a couple of boat launches that I had never been to before.  I walked down a path into the woods, and for some reason, I was scared that I would be attacked by a bear.  It’s important to be prepared for attacks, and I’m not ready for that.  I had seen a news article about hikers in Alaska who got mauled by a bear recently.  Rick said he and Kim got attacked by wild cows.

I walked around quietly and I accepted that feeling of freedom and happiness.  I felt like I had entered a new stage of life.

And I felt, for the first time, that my baby was close to me.  I felt that it was closer than it had ever been before.  I felt safe.  Safety is what I need to feel in order to be ready for a baby.  I felt safety, and I felt it deeply enough that my body really believed it would soon be okay.  I could actually imagine the baby inside me and I could imagine how it would feel to walk around pregnant.

Money is the reason why I couldn’t have a baby.  ‘Having a baby’ was this vague, impossible, faraway abstraction, somewhere in another universe, something that could happen to other people but not to me.  I didn’t want to marry someone who I didn’t get along with, someone I would fight with, and then depend on him for money, depend on him to pay the extremely high rent, depend on him to get a bigger and bigger house because the government forbids you to put more than a certain number of people into a certain square footage of space.  It doesn’t matter that you have tons of extra room and you could fit eight people in there.  It’s illegal.  So you have to pay enormous rent for a multi-person apartment, or buy a house.  And the children are forbidden to get jobs and earn money.  So they can’t help you pay the enormously high rent.

If I can live without a house, I feel safe enough to have a baby.  I don’t mind raising a baby without a house.  In fact, it actually feels better to me.  I don’t mind the idea of sleeping in my car while pregnant – or sleeping on the ground.  I see myself moving towards life without a car. I need to get the stuff out of the storage unit first, as that will require carrying a lot of things from place to place in the car.

I’ve been talking to my coworker who built a motorized bicycle.  You don’t need a license to drive it.  You don’t need government permission.  You don’t need papers and registrations.  He has one that runs on two-stroke gas/oil or whatever it is – I don’t know much about it – and it gets tons of miles to the gallon.  It’s too noisy though, and I don’t want to get hearing damage.  So I need to research quiet engines.   This gas engine is more convenient than an electric one that has to be charged frequently.  If you don’t have a house, it’s hard to plug in your batteries.  You’d have to borrow someone else’s electricity.  I have bad knees, and when I ride a bike too much, or even barely at all, my knees are in agony.  I would have to research other types of bikes, like a recumbent bike, anything that would not put stress on my knees.  But I also will look into a motorized bike.

I feel safer as a nomad.  You’d think that I would feel helpless and insecure and unprotected without a house, but for whatever reason, I feel so much better.

So I am lurking around State College today, and I will run some errands, do some work, make some phone calls, clean up the car so it’s ready to live in, and do a few other things, whatever.  I need to be ready to go back to work at McDonald’s next week.  I wonder if I really will be able to save more money.  I wonder how long it will take.

I’m already used to sleeping and living in uncomfortable situations with few amenities.  So this won’t be that different.  I want to explain it to people, to convince them, you don’t need a house.  You will feel better without one!  I want to really be sure, though, before I start trying to convince people.  I want to prove, for sure, that I really can live this way, and I really will save a lot of money this way, before I start talking to people about it.  I myself would have wanted encouragement from someone who was already doing it, years ago – I had thought of living in my car many years ago and read about it on the net.  Many people really want to make changes in their lives but they just need guidance and moral support from someone else who is already doing it.

I’ll post this for now, as I’m running out of time at the library.  I have some things I need to do.

As I said, I felt that the baby was closer to me than it has ever been before.  I feel that I will soon be ready.  I need to start eating the diet, and I’d like to drill out my fillings.  I need to get rid of the contaminated stuff in the storage unit.  But it actually seems possible now – it actually seems real.  I can believe it.

I “slept,” quote unquote, in my car

July 28, 2011

I tested sleeping in my car last night. I had a cup of coffee just before bed. I had been thinking that I would need the coffee to stay awake so that I could get the rest of my stuff ready to put in storage or into the car itself to keep there for daily use. But then I decided that I only wanted to sleep, so I set up the car bed in a quick, sloppy way.

I said last night, “My goal tonight is… to sleep.” That was the only goal.

I took out some trash bags and a tarp that I had covering the floor of the trunk. They were all contaminated with residues, and I was being careful not to touch them except with the gloves. I also had residues elsewhere in the car and I know I touched them. However, depending on what the residue is, I can sometimes still sleep just a little bit anyway. If it’s mostly tobacco instead of ephedra, then there’s hope.

I put a ripped-open cardboard box on the floor of the trunk so that I would not be directly touching the residue covered area. Then I very carefully put in a sleeping bag which I had bought many months before. I had gotten it during the winter in case we lost the electricity and I would need something really warm to sleep in.

I wore clothes to bed, which I never do, so I had to find clean clothes that I wouldn’t have a reaction to. Then I had to crawl into the sleeping bag without accidentally touching anything. The back seats were in the down position and so I was sleeping with my feet in the trunk area and my head at the top of the back side of the flattened seats.

It was hard and lumpy, but actually, I’m used to sleeping on miserably hard surfaces, because the foam floor mat that I’ve been sleeping on was actually pretty thin and didn’t give a lot of cushioning. So gradually I figured out where the lumps were and how to lie over them and around them.

It was much more comfortable than the time period at my previous apartment when I was sleeping on a futon that was in the “couch” position instead of the “bed” position (I didn’t have room there to open it up, and I was too passive, at the time, to rearrange everything) because sleeping on a sideways tilted surface is extremely uncomfortable for me. This trunk was sloping upwards, not sideways. It’s hard to explain. So my feet were lower than my head. It actually was not that bad.

I tossed and turned the entire night. I just never fell asleep at all. This was only partly because of the coffee. It was also partly because of touching residues. However, sometime near morning, after the sky started brightening, there was a period of time when I can’t remember anything, which means I fell asleep. I woke up a while later and I’m not sure how long I was asleep. It was not very long. It was maybe two hours or less.

This was a test. So I will have to make it more comfortable and also troubleshoot the things I have to touch that have residues on them. I will need to cover some areas up or find ways to get in and out without touching them.

The ice in my icebox lasted about a day and a half. I got it on Tuesday afternoon, and it lasted through that night, then all of Wednesday and overnight last night, and this morning it’s a very cold pool of water with a few ice cubes left in it. (In spite of the loud “crack” it made the other day, it’s not leaking yet.) It was longer than 24 hours but less than 48 hours. It’s still cold and if I had food in there it would still be okay right now. The water stays cold until all the ice is gone. I will probably have a thermometer in there eventually. However, when the icebox gets put in my hot car instead of my slightly less hot apartment where it is now, the ice will melt faster.

The challenge eventually is to learn to eat foods that are kept at room temperature. I’m not just talking about dry crackers though. I’m also thinking of the Weston Price books and websites where they talk about fermenting foods and that kind of thing. The only lacto-fermented food I tried was kimchi, and it made me get the urge to vomit. It tasted good, and it was okay at first, but a few minutes later, as it moved from the stomach into the intestine, that’s when it triggered the vomit reflex. For some reason my intestines did not like it, although my stomach was okay with it. So I’m going to assume that, as usual, the Weston Price people are talking about things that I can’t do. It needs troubleshooting.

I also haven’t found “bath territory” yet. I know which gas stations have the right kind of restrooms, a private single person room with a locking door. But I haven’t actually tried doing it to see what it feels like. I’ll need a bag with all my clothes and towels in it. Taking a bath from a sink is not as good as a hot shower. The hot shower washes the skin of your entire body. Showering reduces edema, water retention, which I sometimes get mildly. My eyes are less puffy after a shower, but if I only wash my face with a cloth, the eyes are still puffy. I’m not sure how and why the shower reduces my edema. I will probably bathe in a creek for real, too, after I find territory. But I won’t do that every day.

It’s weird the idea of claiming territory. I won’t be owning a home or renting an apartment. So I am squatting on land that other people own. I’ve read on the net that some places tolerate parked cars overnight, like Wal-Mart. I will find these territories where I am either tolerated or hidden. I’d like to sleep someplace with fresh air from the trees and vegetation and water. My windows will let in the fresh air and it will make me feel good when I wake up. I always feel better waking up with fresh air than I do with moldy indoor air or hot heated dry air without enough negative ions in it, like the air is in the winter. Air without negative ions makes my body hurt all over in the winter. People often think negative ions are the BAD ones, but actually positive ions are bad and negative ions are good. You just have to memorize it.

It’s strange, but camping in my car won’t be that different from all the other uncomfortable places I’ve slept the past few years. And I already don’t do grooming the way other people do, so I won’t even notice if, for instance, I go a day without washing my hair. I already don’t use shampoo, just water.

I wonder how most long distance hikers wash their hair? They need shampoo to prevent the formation of dreadlocks. They must use some kind of soap or shampoo that is safe for the environment, as it will be washing into the streams where they bathe. That won’t even be a problem for me.

Disposable infrastructure

July 27, 2011

I’m sitting at Tudek Park writing on my iPod. I just went to the UPS Store and set up my mailbox.

I had been feeling unable to do any more packing, because everything else that I had left would “cut to the bone” if I removed it. For instance, my bed and my little fridge. However, I turned off the fridge and I’m defrosting it, and this morning, I disposed of my disposable bed.

After I contaminated my mattress years ago, I refused to buy any more mattresses. So I have slept on a foam mat on the floor, on top of sheets of cardboard. I threw that all away today – it’s gradually gotten contaminated and just plain dirty. I won’t have any place to sleep tonight. This is like the leap of faith. I just don’t have a bed now.

Also, today I put my netbook in storage so that I would quit fooling around on the net all day instead of packing. I did that first thing this morning as soon as I got up, because it was important to actually start working today. I was using the net more than ever before, because it was a high speed wireless connection. So I was watching YouTube videos and stuff that I’ve been deprived of all these years because I was on dialup.

I really don’t have much left. It was “sacred” infrastructure, like the bed, that made me feel like I had a whole lot of stuff left. So I just jumped in and destroyed the sacred infrastructure.

All of this is going on while the government debates about their debt limit. My own “austerity measures” are beginning. We ordinary people are poor because the government is taking away our money, in taxes, and indirectly by controlling the value of the dollar, and by lending people money at low interest rates. We shouldn’t have to be poor.

However, poor or not, I still want the challenge of self-reliance. I just want to do it. I want to be challenged to find new ways to do my routines. I can’t wait till the end of next month, when I will have a couple weeks’ worth of paychecks in the bank, and none of it will have been spent on rent. I will have to decide exactly what I will do with the money, and when, and in what order.

I’m amused thinking of a blog I wrote several weeks ago where I said that the hardest part about all this was “deciding what I would do with all the money.” It was a joke, like I’m going to be hugely rich and I’ll need a big vault to put all my money in and I’ll hire armed guards, and I’ll make sure that the Fast and the Furious people don’t yank the entire vault out of the wall and drag it down the highway and violate the laws of physics, as the vault was so heavy it would have yanked their cars in the opposite direction every time they went around a curve. Yes, I watched “Fast 5.” And the vault-dragging scene, the climax of the entire movie, was TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE and it broke about a dozen of Newton’s laws.

Anyway, I will be living in my car and saving up money. But not only will I be saving the money I would have spent on rent, I also will avoid contaminating yet another new apartment. The contamination will end. It will stay where it is until I get rid of it completely.

There’s nothing I can do. The landlady said that she will have the carpet shampooed by professionals. I didn’t try to explain anything about my past experiences with trying to remove ephedra from carpet. I haven’t even told her much except that I’m chemical sensitive and “allergic” to some things. It’s too complicated to explain, and no one believes me. So I can’t tell her that in my opinion, the entire carpet and also the vinyl kitchen and bathroom floors should be totally removed and destroyed and replaced, instead of shampooed.

I want a house with a dirt floor. Dirt is disposable. As a result, it’s the “cleanest” type of flooring you can possibly have. If the floor is easily disposable, then contamination never builds up. You just sweep out the old dirt and pour new dirt on top. Dirt is clean. That’s my new housing code. The modern culture’s idea of the “worst case scenario” in housing is a cottage with a dirt floor. It is the very definition of “bad.” I am redefining it as “good.”

About male INFJs: I was hearing voices today who said Peter was an EII, not an ESI. They argued that Peter was interested in religion, and he had a sort of universalized point of view, where he looked at all the different religions and noticed things they had in common.

They also suggested that my teen boyfriend Terry was an EII, but an unhealthy, drug-using one who was being abused at home and who also had Tourette’s syndrome. We were always fighting, and yet I loved Terry more than anyone I had ever met before and any guy I’ve been with since then.

My feelings for Peter might have been stronger if he weren’t on drugs, because the secondhand drugs made me numb and apathetic and drowsy whenever we touched each other. I’m still not certain if he was an EII. (I’m not really seeing Peter now. We talk rarely. I’ve been separating from him.) But I am sure enough that he’s either an ESI or an EII. I had assumed he was an ESI for sure all this time. It was only today that “they” suggested differently.

There are some benefits to an activator relationship. You have one rational and one irrational. One of them makes decisions quickly and pushes the other one to take action. The other one perceives the situation more fully and adds a deeper understanding before taking action. Both approaches are useful. But you are more relaxed with your dual, as you both make decisions the same way.

I can’t wait to meet people. I am so tired of being completely alone.

What is my ideal imaginary play scenario?; and, Edited something in previous post.

July 26, 2011

I changed something in the previous post.  I gave a description of an SEE personality type that I thought was inaccurately negative.  ‘Inaccurately negative’ might be an understatement, and maybe I should call it ‘total bullshit,’ which is more what it was like.  I haven’t spent a lot of time guessing people’s types.  I haven’t made much effort at it.  It takes experience.  You make a lot of mistakes.  I need to meet real world people and try to guess their types, and only then would I get a sense of how to describe them accurately. 

What is my ideal imaginary play scenario?

I’ve been thinking of imaginary play.  I’ve been reading and watching Harry Potter all these years because of a need to visit an imaginary world that is different from the normal world in wonderful ways.  I’ve wondered what kind of story I would want to write, if I could write.  I wrote fantasy stories long ago, but it’s impossible for me to write fiction now while being attacked by the voices.  But I could ask myself what do I want, what do I need, from fiction and fantasy.

I don’t like to read or write ultra-realistic stories.  I’m thinking of a way that Ayn Rand affected me.  Ayn Rand disapproved of magic and fantasy, disapproved of stories that took place on a faraway planet.  She wanted stories that happened on earth in modern times.  I understood her rationale when she explained it, but also, I myself always loved fantasy stories, and magic, and mystical stories, and other worlds.  So I felt that it was ‘bad’ to write fantasy stories.  That’s not the reason why I stopped writing fiction – I think I just got busy going to college and that kind of thing.  But still it influenced me.

Now that I am coming full circle and questioning the ways that Ayn Rand affected me, I am questioning this.  I’ve read about imaginary play in children, and most modern psychologists agree that it’s good for them, that it’s healthy.  I remember playing, when I was a child, and I loved fantasy, and I agreed with the movies, like the Neverending Story, where a theme of the movie is ‘don’t forget how to use your imagination; imagination is good.’ 

What happened to my imaginary play?

I used to play with toys.  I had a wide variety of small toys and action figures.  I sometimes played with ‘girl’ toys, like My Little Pony, and other times I played with monsters and action figures, usually both in the scenario.  The ponies would go exploring, and they would stumble upon the den full of monsters, who would then chase them home and raid the pony village, or whatever.  There was always a theme of exploring a fascinating new world someplace, something very different from your own world, and meeting some kind of danger or challenge there.  I didn’t always just want them to experience peace and quiet and comfort.  I wanted them to learn things and use knowledge.  I remember that in order to defeat the monsters, the ponies would have to use some kind of special magic or knowledge that the monsters didn’t have.  This type of play was satisfying to me.

However, over the years, I started to feel like I couldn’t think of any more new ideas.  I remember that I continued to play with toys until my early to mid- teens, like 14 or even 15.  I remember that it just wasn’t satisfying anymore.  I also realized that it wouldn’t help just to buy some new and unfamiliar toys.  After a while, it’s just another toy, and you still have to think of something good to do with it.

This was also partly because my next door neighbor, Jeremy, my best friend at the time, moved away, and I was left to play by myself.  I did not have any other friends who I got along with as well as I did with Jeremy.  He and I both enjoyed using our imaginations and doing fantasy play with toys.  My other friends did not.  They liked rough play, outdoor play, and sports, for instance.  They didn’t like imagining plotlines and character development and the other things we did with toys.  It really was like writing stories or ‘plays.’

Now that I know about socionics, and about psychology in general, I would be interested in the challenge of creating characters who stayed true to their type.  I recall having the problem that all the characters were like me.  It was hard to create any characters that were truly different from myself, or to understand their motivations and make them believable.

But I always loved exploring.  And I loved ‘the unthinkable.’  Whatever it was that you couldn’t possibly imagine on your own, that was what I loved.  In socionics terms I would say I was valuing Intueor.  I’d like to go to a world where everything was different.

But I imagined doing this, and it seemed like it was not enough.  I still wouldn’t feel happy or satisfied with that.  Why not?  Because I suffer from constant physical pain and discomfort, and also, because I am constantly being targeted and attacked.  So in the ideal fantasy scenario, I would have to gather knowledge about special healing methods to cure my illnesses, and also, I would have to defeat the evil and regain my freedom. 

I liked the idea of ‘gathering knowledge.’  In some of my old stories, I created scientific ‘facts’ that applied to the fantasy world.  For instance, there was a type of stone called Ithkahlsa.  This stone responded to the touch of a living creature.  If you touched it, it would suddenly melt into a liquid like mercury.  But the rest of the time, it stayed frozen hard like any other rock.  This actually reminds me of piezoelectric materials, or whatever the word is – piezo something.  There are materials in the real world that change in shape if you put an electric current through them, and that kind of thing.

So that was a scientific ‘fact’ that I invented about the world of Darcon, my fictional planet.  And it was important for characters to learn these facts and use them for something.  I’m seeing the Profiteor socionic function here. 

I’m trying to imagine what types of challenges I want the characters to experience.  I don’t want them to just go around fighting wars all the time, however, I do feel the need to fight against some kind of enemy and regain their freedom, especially freedom from enslavement.  I want to watch them escape from slavery and then go build the amazing and wonderful world that they weren’t able to build while they were enslaved.  I like to watch them fulfill their potential.  I like to watch them growing up and changing over time. 

So anyway those are just some of the themes that I want to see or create in fiction.  Exploring, escaping from slavery, building something, using factual knowledge.  I also love themes of pregnancy and childbirth, for instance in the movie The Polar Bear King.  I don’t want a movie where all the characters are adults, and it stays that way forever, and you see nothing but adults.  I like to see children in the movies.  I like to watch their successful progress over time.  That is yet another reason why I love the Harry Potter movies. 

I’ll come back to this idea once in a while.

“This thing will be broken before the day is through…” CRACK!; I hate prices that end with 9; and, Is Daniel Radcliffe gay? (no)

July 26, 2011

So I just went out and bought an El Cheapo brand styrofoam cooler, and two bags of ice.  I’m going to try it out.  In the next day or so I’m going to shut off my little fridge and defrost it before I put it into storage. 

I was getting out of the car and setting the cooler and the bags of ice on the ground next to the car, and trying to shut and lock the door.  The wind blew the cooler lid right between the door and the car so that I almost slammed the door shut on it, which would have crumbled the flimsy, fragile styrofoam, and then, I stumbled and almost stepped on it.  “This thing will be broken before the day is through,” I mumbled.

So now I’ve got the two bags of ice inside the El Cheapo cooler, and so it’s kind of heavy, and I’m squeezing this thing in my arms and propping it up against my leg while I’m trying to unlock my front door, and I’m squeezing it and I hear this CRACK.  I haven’t even gotten it in the front door yet and I’ve already made a leak in it.  I don’t know how bad the leak will be, because right now it doesn’t have any water in it.  Maybe it won’t leak too badly.  But this ‘crack’ was, like, less than a minute after I predicted that I would break it.  It was kind of funny. 

Oh well.  That’s the whole point.  I’m learning about this.  There’s going to be a lot of stuff that I don’t know about.  I’ve never tried living in my car for weeks or months at a time. 

I won’t like to pay for large amounts of ice every day.  It’s like $1.60 a bag or something – I forget exactly how much it was.  The number ended with ‘9,’ and I *HATE* the practice of ending all our prices with nine – that’s a whole separate rant which I will save for some other day.  I’ve ranted about ‘ending with 9’ before.  It’s called ‘Psychological Pricing,’ and it only fools a tiny minority of morons.  (“Hey, look!  It’s only 99 cents at that other store, but it’s $1.00 at the store where I live!  I’m going to burn up some expensive gasoline and drive my car ten miles farther to go to THAT store!”)  The rest of us non-morons are merely annoyed and inconvenienced by it. 

I would gladly pay a penny more for the mere service of everything being a round number.  The convenience is worth paying for.  Making things convenient from the customer’s point of view is a highly valued form of courtesy.  Okay, I ranted about it.  But I could rant a whole lot more than this.

Anyway, it would cost a lot to fill the cooler with ice every day, so I will have to make some decisions about how I will use it.  Maybe somebody somewhere has ‘waste ice’ or unwanted ice.  Maybe their refrigerator has an automatic ice maker and they don’t mind giving the ice away for free or for a lower price.  I could put up an ad asking people to beat the prices at the stores where I buy ice.  Can you sell me ice cheaper than this?  Oh well, I’m not worried about it right now – I will figure something out later. 

I’m having a very hard time working.  The magic coffee is losing its magic.  I haven’t given myself a day of withdrawal.  I knew this would happen.  I’ve been sitting around doing nothing, and surfing the net, instead of working, because I’m still tired and apathetic even with the coffee.  It only works for a day or two.  However, thanks to the fact that I started packing many weeks ago, my last-minute-crisis will be a much, much smaller and less terrible crisis than it otherwise would have been.  Thank goodness I asked for these two weeks off.  My upcoming last minute crisis is getting smaller and smaller with every object that I pack away. 

On a totally different subject, I saw someone in the16types forum mention that Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter) is an IEE.  I didn’t know whether that guess was right or not, and so, during one of my random obsessive internet surfing sessions yesterday, I watched some interviews.  He does, in fact, seem like an IEE.  It would explain why I like his style and find the movies to be tolerable enough to watch them over and over again.  I don’t have intense passionate feelings towards him.  I just feel comfortable watching the movies.  The overall atmosphere and style of the movies is compatible enough with my personality type that it doesn’t annoy me. 

There are lots of other movies that I could not bear to watch over and over again.  For instance, a few weeks ago I watched ‘Hoodwinked Too.’  I typed this as probably a Beta quadra movie.  I can’t remember it well enough to explain why it annoyed me, but I can only say in a general way that it used too much Fe Emoveo and Se Factor.  (Darn it, it’s frustrating to know that nobody else in the universe is using Gulenko’s function names except me.  But I’ll keep using them until I get sick of it and give up.)  I would not have bought Hoodwinked Too on DVD and watched it twenty or thirty or forty times. 

But I’ve watched the Harry Potter DVDs so many times I’ve lost count, and I cannot even give a rough estimate of how many times I’ve watched them.  I suspect that the order of magnitude is probably in the double digits somewhere, but that’s about all I know.  I would occasionally keep the movie running in the background while I was doing other things, like cleaning.  It is a comforting group of people whose behavior I tolerate very well.  They do not rub me the wrong way. 

So while I was watching these interviews, I had a moment of crushing disappointment, and I had to do some more research to fix it. DANIEL RADCLIFFE IS GAY!!! (Keep reading… he’s actually straight.)  And I didn’t realize how much I cared, until I found this out, and suddenly, I realized just how horribly disappointed I was.

So I was listening to this, trying to understand what they were getting at and why they were talking about it.  At the end he says something like, Lady Gaga is much more flamboyant about it than I would be, and that suits her better than it would suit me.  This seemed to imply that yes, he was gay, he just wasn’t going to be flamboyant about it. 

So I played the video again to try to understand exactly what he said and what it meant, and I really started to think that he was saying he was gay, and I had somehow missed this important piece of information in the last couple of years, while everybody else knew, of course.  I was the last person to know, and everybody else was taking this for granted by now, so if I complained about it, I wouldn’t get any sympathy, because everybody else had gotten past it and moved on with their lives while I was still clueless.  That’s how I was interpreting this.

I looked him up on Wikipedia.  There was a link to ‘The Trevor Project.’  Daniel Radcliffe gave a big donation to a charity that provides support for gays and lesbians to help them cope and to help prevent suicides.  The more I looked at it, the more I thought that this was a brilliant way to ‘come out’ without actually announcing it.  I actually admired him for doing that.  It looked like a tactful, ethical way to support something that was personally important to him, and to tell the world about himself.

I kept on reading and looked at a few more sources.  It turns out that actually, he’s given money to a bunch of different charities, and not just that particular one.  He’s given some money to children’s charities, for instance, but that doesn’t mean that he himself was an orphan or a victim of abuse or anything.  So I could no longer use the logic that said he only donated to charities that reflected his own personal experiences.  He donates to a variety of charities even if they are not for problems that he himself has experienced.

I read some more.  In other interviews he has talked about this.  He said that he donated money to them because he grew up in a gay-tolerant family, and one (or both?) of his parents were actors, so they socialized with other actors, many of whom were gay.  So he knew homosexuals ever since he was a young child, and he saw them as human beings. 

But when he went to school he found out about homophobia and he saw other people who hated gays.  He said he always hated that kind of intolerance.  So he gave money to the charity because he views homosexuals as just another minority who are often mistreated, and it’s his way of showing compassion and respect and support for them, in the only way he can.  He said he likes the fact that he’s actually able to help in a material way.  He said in several different interviews that he actually is straight.

After finding that out, my admiration for him was even stronger than it was originally.  He is actually risking his reputation by allowing people to speculate that he might be gay because he supported this charity, but he’s doing it anyway.  It’s like a gesture of peace between the gay people and the straight people.

I’m not sure if he’s really an IEE.  He seems to be an ethical type, and he suppresses the loud emotional expressions, which makes him a Relatio type instead of an Emoveo type.  He seems extraverted, which would make him SEE or IEE.  He doesn’t give off the very dry intellectual style that I see in, for instance, Rick’s videos (which I love, by the way).  However, he also doesn’t give off the (*edit… I’m taking out this negative and inaccurate description that I wrote here – I started ‘hearing voices’ afterwards about it, and I don’t think that this description was something that I would say, and it’s also not something that I want to have sitting on the internet forever while people read it thinking I’m an authority who knows what I’m talking about. (That’s already been happening with my post about the Male INFJ, which is one of my most popular posts, and yet, one of the most badly written and inaccurate pieces of crap that I have ever done.) I think the negative description might have been inspired by my relationship with a childhood friend whose type is unknown – I haven’t seen her in years.*) vibes that I sometimes (but don’t necessarily) get from SEEs.  I don’t even want to make that generalization, because it greatly depends on the individual person. 

IEE/SEE is called a ‘lookalike’ relation.  I would need some way to trigger his intuition or look for it somehow, and see how comfortable he is talking about things that are possible, things that have potential, rather than real physical things.  I haven’t read anything he’s written, but they say he has written some poetry. 

I’ve never seen him go off on a spiel about the coolness of special effects or the coolness of blowing stuff up.  Wow, bombs!  Fire!  Guns!  Loud noises!  Money and power! Instead, he has said that he doesn’t care about money and power, and he isn’t going to be wasting his wealth on expensive cars and prostitutes.  But then again, I haven’t heard him go off on any spiels about philosophy or anything intangible, either.  I’m not sure what to look for.  (*I watched some more interviews.  He gets uncomfortable when, for instance, the interviewer or host is getting rowdy and making jokes about sex.  It makes him laugh in kind of an anxious, awkward way.  He is reserved about his body and about sexuality.  There were a lot of other hints that I saw in other interviews, too.  I think IEE is accurate.*)

Anyway, that is how I’ve entertained myself these last couple days, surfing the net too much.  This activity will change somewhat when I move into my car.  I will be spending a lot of time at places like the library, so it’s likely I will still be using the net a lot.  I won’t just be sitting in my car all day long on my days off work. 

One thing that worries me is, how will I take naps?  It is always a struggle for me to get enough sleep, and I spend a very large amount of time just lying in bed, awake and miserable, during the day and during the night, wishing I could sleep but not being able to.  It will be hard to do that in a car. 

So I will be sitting in places like the library a lot.  But I probably won’t use the net as heavily as I have used it this past week.  I will quit coffee, again, and go into withdrawal, and I will go back down to a lower level of physical and mental functioning, and I will obsess less about everything. 

(On a related topic, I should mention that the cream I put in my coffee is something that I also have a reaction to, and I’ve had the cream all by itself before, without coffee, and the cream seems to contain a hormone or chemical of some kind that affects me, so that I have sexual arousal and crushes and obsessiveness.  I think it might be rBGH, bovine growth hormone, but I’m not sure.  It doesn’t happen at all when I drink Amish milk.  It only happens when I drink the mass-produced cream from a cream dispenser at gas stations and places like that.)

Well, that’s it for now.

Probably a ‘gust front’ rather than the ‘hook echo’ part of a storm

July 25, 2011

I’m looking at some pictures of storms online.  That horrible looking horseshoe curved thing was probably a gust front.  It DID actually have mammatus clouds under it, though.  I called a radio station to ask them if they had had any tornado warnings earlier, and they said no, it was only a severe thunderstorm warning.  This is sort of disappointing, but yet, in the big scheme of things, I should be happy that I was probably NOT right underneath a developing tornado.

Skychaser; running from the bad sky to the good sky

July 25, 2011


I’m writing on my ipod. I went into State College to go get a post office box or at least find out the prices at a couple places. I stopped at a couple places and then I’m not sure what I was going to do after that, because my plans suddenly changed drastically, and whatever I had been about to do, I forgot what it was.

A while earlier, at a previous stop, I had looked up and seen a massive storm approaching. I admired it without any real worry. I’ve studied meteorology in the past, and so I recognized the structure of a thunderstorm from far away. To many other people, perhaps it only looked like a bunch of big clouds.

Then I got back in the car and drove to the next mailbox place, while listening to people on the radio talking about raising the debt limit, and talking very vaguely about their budget plan. I was more interested in that than the storm.

After I had finished up, I was thinking of going somewhere else. But I started to really notice the storm. It was getting darker and darker blue underneath it, and the storm was almost overhead. The clouds were a lot rougher than I had first thought. They were not ordinary clouds. They were like mammatus clouds, extremely low, clouds exploding downwards.

I looked into the west and saw that the clouds had a weird glowing greenish light inside them, with blue darkness behind them covering the rest of the sky. “Oh my god, that’s just WRONG!” I said anxiously.

The leading edge of the storm was now right over top of me. It was a big, thick edge coming down very, very low, much closer than I like. The edge was a long, curving, horseshoe shaped wall of clouds, with mammatus bumps all under it swirling downwards. I was right in the center of the horseshoe, and I suddenly felt that something was very wrong. “I don’t wanna be here! I don’t wanna be here!” I wailed, while driving down the road and trying to watch the clouds at the same time.

I felt my body flooding with adrenaline, and I felt absolutely sure that something was very, very wrong in the sky above me, something evil. I absolutely did not want to be underneath that curving ridge of clouds. My body was shouting “Go! Go! Go!” My legs tensed up to run, but I was driving. The lumpy clouds were reaching downwards, malicious and greedy, reaching towards me.

My gas tank was nearly empty. The last thing I wanted right now was to pull over and stop my car at a gas station under these clouds, but the very VERY last thing that I wanted, after that, was to run out of gas while trying to escape.

So I postponed my flight away from the area and I put gas in the car, frantically looking all around at the sky, and even though my gas finished pumping, I stood there holding the handle down, not realizing it was done, as I was totally focused on the sky. Then I woke up, and put the gas cap back on and got in the car.

I now had to choose a good direction. The storm had wrapped its horseshoe shape all around me and surrounded me in almost every direction. I wanted to avoid any highways that might temporarily bring me closer to the Bad Place. I wanted to get as far away from the Bad Place as fast as I could.

I decided to move westward, deeper into the storm, into the areas that had smoother flatter clouds that looked more stable. It was very rainy and dark looking there, but the clouds looked good. So I went that way.

I temporarily drove a way that kept me close to the edge, running along it, and I swear I saw a wall cloud. I denied that it was a wall cloud, because I had to temporarily drive straight towards it to get to the highway that would take me to smoother clouds. So I drove straight towards this wall-cloud-like thing for a couple minutes. The mammatus bumps were still swirling and exploding down from the sky.

I got on the highway and was relieved to see that it took me towards the ordinary looking rainy area. I also gradually saw a patch of blue sky, faint and far away behind some falling rain, and i was driving towards it. It was actually a rather small storm after all. It wasn’t long before I got away from the Bad Place, and I made a few more decisions about where to go – I didn’t go straight home – and I went on to Howard Dam, where I am now. The sky is calm and the evil thing is past.

I would swear that I was right under a developing tornado. People say it makes them feel supernatural terror. That is what I felt. Scientists think that maybe the vortex of air produces infrasound, and infrasound is known for triggering the body to feel terror, in humans and other animals. Before a tornado becomes a vertical snake hanging down, it might possibly be up in the clouds as a horizontal roll, and it only needs the right forces to twist it downwards.

That is the model that I read about, decades ago, when I did a school report about tornadoes. That curving horseshoe could have been a roll of clouds that were gradually spiralling around to form a complete circle around the “eye” of the storm. If they completed their swirl, they might enclose that area so strongly that the horizontal rolls had nowhere else to go except down. The horeshoe was still open-sided while I was under it. Now that I think about it, I recall that meteorologists look for a “hook” shape on the radar. Those clouds were definitely hook shaped. It really was directly above me, this THING that was evil.

When I get home, after walking around the lake for a while, and after swimming, if I feel like it, I will look online to see any news about the storm. The sun is shining now.

I went swimming. It was as warm as bathwater.

(Update: Yes, it’s called a Hook Echo, and the clouds were shaped exactly like those photos show, and right in that hook is where the tornado forms! I’m SURE that that’s where I was! I will have to do more searching to find out if we had a storm watch here.)

Four-dimensional Sensus (introverted sensing) allows you to tolerate and accept a wider variety of unusual sensory experiences; this includes a toleration for people’s physical appearance; also, guesses about Ayn Rand’s and Nathaniel Branden’s personality types (INFJ = Branden)

July 24, 2011

Over the past few days, while I’ve been drinking a lot of coffee and obsessively reading things on the net for hours and hours, I looked at the socionist blog again.  I found this post:

This post describes something similar to what I’ve been reading about the ‘dimensionality of the functions.’  What are the four dimensions?

1. experience (Ex)

2. norms (Nr)

3. situation (St)

4. time (Tm)

I’ve been looking for more detail about this.  The Socionist post gave me more information.  This matches my own experience with my being willing to tolerate a wide variety of physical appearances on people.  Sensus is my strongest function, and as such, it is the most accepting or permissive or open to variety.  I happily enjoy seeing a wide variety of ethnic groups, for instance, and I feel that all ethnic groups are beautiful and interesting in their own way.  I also was writing in the previous post about how I enjoy seeing long hair on men, even if that hair is ‘imperfect’ somehow.

However, someone who has Sensus as their second function is slightly less tolerant and open about what types of sensory information are ‘good’ and ‘okay.’  They still have a relatively strong opinion about which kinds of physical appearances are desirable, but the base function’s (Profiteor or Emoveo) opinion is more important.  So they have more limits and restrictions about which kinds of hairstyles (for instance) they think are beautiful and attractive.  Information about aesthetic beauty must fit into narrower categories in order to be acceptable.  People with 3-dimensional Sensus would be more inclined to say ‘Long hair might be nice, however, you need to make sure that it is only mid-back length or shoulder length, and you mustn’t be bald on top, and you mustn’t have any split ends, and you mustn’t grow it long if you’re over a certain age, etc, etc, because my base function says so.’ 

Usually, when this happens, it’s coming from an ESE, my supervisor relation.  I see this on web pages where people have posted photos and are getting a huge number of negative comments from people saying ‘OH MY GOD! THAT MAN NEEDS TO SHAVE HIS HEAD!’ and other very strong negative judgments about people’s hairstyles.  They still have an opinion about what looks good and what doesn’t, but this opinion is more narrow and restricted and it’s less important than ‘Whatever is socially acceptable’ or ‘Whatever is popular and trendy right now,’ which comes from their base function of Emoveo. 

The Supervisor relation is one of the most difficult of all socionic relations.  Your supervisor can do almost everything, almost as well as you can, but they can also do the thing that you’re weakest at, too.  So, it’s like, imagine you’re the person with the highest IQ in the world, and you go your whole life thinking that you’re the smartest person on earth, but your secret weakness (for instance, in the SLI, like me) is that you’re really lousy at expressing emotions and keeping track of other people’s emotions as they express them. 

Suddenly one day you meet this person who has an IQ just as high as your own, someone who is almost exactly like you and is able to do most of the things you can do, but they’re also able to understand feelings and express them quickly and easily.  (This would hypothetically be a highly intelligent ESE type.) They might have a few minor weaknesses, but it seems unimportant compared to all their strengths.  That person makes you look really bad.  This is an asymmetrical relationship, where one person is able to do almost everything the other person can do, plus a few extra things that the other person can’t.  And, as I said, it’s one of the worst socionic relationships, and it can cause problems if you live in the same household, if it’s your family, if you depend on that person and you have to please them, or if it’s your boss in the workplace and they’re constantly nagging you to do a better job.

The supervisor relation isn’t always that extremely bad.  In the workplace, I’ve been with people of the ESE type and I got along with them okay.  But that’s not the same as trying to live in the same house with them for years and years at a time, while you’re still a child and you can’t drive a car and you can’t leave the house and you don’t have any money of your own to buy the things you need.  These would be the stereotypical people who would tell me that I have to cut my hair and I have to shave and I have to obey all the rules that tell us what kind of physical appearance we should have. 

Those are the same people who write comments on websites and answer polls about hairstyles and they always say that a balding man MUST shave his head, he looks AWFUL, and so on and so forth.  Having 3D Sensus as the second function, instead of 4D Sensus as the base function, makes you less accepting of people’s physical appearances, and yet you still have a strong opinion about them. 

I think that Supervisors and Supervisees are actually the groups of people in society who I have always complained about the most.  These are the groups of people who I blame for all the problems in the world.  I complain about them even more than I complain about my conflict relation, the EIE, and most sources say the conflict relation is supposedly the worst relation of all.  It’s true that I don’t live with EIEs and I don’t encounter a lot of them, so I don’t know how difficult it would be to be with them daily.  But I am very much aware of what it’s like to interact with ESEs. 

(I do have a suspected EIE at work, and she and I frequently have small, trivial misunderstandings that lead to hurt feelings and anxiety.  It is very easy to miscommunicate with her.  So yes, this is a difficult relation, but I don’t encounter it as often as the supervisors/supervisees.)

And I can clearly see the activities of the LIE in our culture, and I complain about them a lot (‘Those drug company executives just don’t care that their pills have horribly toxic side effects!’).  I complain that my supervisor, the ESE, is responsible for all the ugly hairstyles that I have to put up with, and I complain that the LIE is responsible for the corporate activities that I disapprove of or believe are harmful. 

So even without knowing socionics, I see a pattern over the years, where I was aware that there existed groups of people who were doing things that I didn’t like, in society, and it just so happens that they are people who have either the supervisor or the supervisee relations to me.

That wouldn’t just apply to me.  It is probably true for everybody, for people of all the socionic types.  If you think about which groups of people in society annoy you the most, which groups of people seem to always be responsible for ‘everything that’s wrong with the world,’ those groups will most likely be your supervisors and supervisees.  So I am not saying that it’s ‘objectively true’ that everything wrong in the world is caused by ESEs and LIEs. 

Ayn Rand had particular groups of people that she complained about the most.  She thought these people were responsible for everything wrong in the world, and she ranted about them sometimes.  I’d like to look back at her books again, in my attempt to decide what type she is.  She hated the whim-worshippers, the witch doctors, and the Attilas (one of her witch doctor/Attila rants was in a video that someone posted in the forum in a thread about Ayn Rand’s type). 

Rick changed his opinion about her type several times, and left it at LSI, which is what it says right now.  I’m sure I could get an opinion if I looked at her books again, and also Nathaniel Branden’s books.  They are all packed in boxes in storage right now.  I suspect she might not be LSI, because she placed enormous value on things like ‘profit’ and ‘productive work’ and ‘entrepreneurship,’ which sounds more like Profiteor, extraverted logic.  She created Dagny Taggart, the leader of a corporation, someone likely to be LIE or LSE, as the hero of Atlas Shrugged. 

And Nathaniel Branden seems suspiciously like a Delta NF.  He might even be an EII.  His books are all about self-esteem, about your relationship with yourself, about self-improvement, perfecting yourself, improving your consciousness and responsibility.  I read his books for years and years – they were my bibles.  All of my beliefs were based on them.  He is a very reserved man who does not openly express his feelings – he’s commented about that in his books, about how uncomfortable he is openly expressing feelings or talking about himself – and yet, he is extremely ethical and concerned with internal feelings and self-evaluation.  I adored him, all these years, and admired him, and I put him at the highest level of all my favorite book authors.

In order for Nathaniel Branden to get along with Ayn Rand and to cooperate with her for as long as they did, he had to have some kind of relatively favorable relation with her – but that relationship broke down when he met Patrecia and fell passionately in love for the first time in his life.  I think Ayn Rand would have to be an NT, Gamma or Delta, instead of an LSI, in order for Nathaniel to get along so well with her for so long. 

She might have been an LSE, except that she always talks about long-term consequences and chains of events.  She talks about abstraction and foresight, and she complains about people who are short-sighted and narrow-minded, people who can only see what’s happening in the immediate moment.  She might be ILI.  She describes the Dagny Taggart character as being someone who is ‘like a stronger, more outgoing, more aggressive version of myself,’ or something like that – those are not quite the words she used.  That could mean Dagny is her mirror, the LIE, and Ayn Rand is an ILI. 

What kind of relation does the ILI have with the EII?  The EII (Branden) is a request recipient, ‘inferior’ to the ILI (Rand).  The two of them would be attracted to each other’s Te/Fi. 

Ayn Rand might have been extraverted.  Nathaniel said that she was able to get into a conversation with any random person they met, for instance, the taxi driver, and argue about something, and be able to win the argument and persuade the taxi driver of the logic of her point of view.  If she was an LIE, she would be Nathaniel’s semi-dual, and they would have had a strong attraction to each other, but also a feeling that something was missing (and I know how that is, because I was with my ILE semi-dual for a long time, and I know that we couldn’t be everything to each other). 

I’d like to look at her books again and also the books that other people have written about her.  But after thinking about it I’m pretty sure Nathaniel Branden is EII.  I loved him so much, for so long, and felt that his books spoke to me, and it was all about self-improvement and achieving your personal potential.  His writing style had to be compatible with me, or I would not have felt that way for so long.  I still very much agree with his books, except, as I’ve said several times recently, I decided that ‘physical health’ was neglected by both Rand and Branden, as they tried to understand what makes people the way they are, and as they make suggestions for what to do about it. 

Some philosophers complained that Ayn Rand didn’t actually make a ‘philosophy,’ and her philosophy wasn’t deep enough or technical enough.  She was interested in applying it to the real world, to show the philosophy in action, and didn’t want it to be a theory that just floated in empty space.  She was interested in applications.  They complained that her definitions weren’t strong enough, that her logical structure wasn’t strong enough, and it seems that she might have been better at using Te instead of Ti.  That makes her a Gamma or Delta.  They said that she didn’t give her philosophy a very strong basis with strict, formal definitions.  She has some ‘axioms’ or assumptions.  Some people scoffed that her axioms were too shallow or too informal or something.  ‘Existence exists’ was her main axiom.  This is something you can see for yourself.  She starts off saying that all those people who debated about whether we were living in a dream world and whether existence existed at all were totally wasting everyone’s time, and you just had to assume that life is real, and we’re really here, and just start from there.

She really valued Fi, introverted ethics, Relatio, in her books.  There were some characters who were portrayed as loyal, devoted, ethical, honest people, in a world of people who had no ethics and no morals and would do anything to anyone.  She also had Howard Roark, the architect, and she described how emotionally unexpressive he was, as though that was a very admirable thing. 

She valued work, work, work, and productivity, and seriousness, and if I recall she complained about artists who can’t be bothered with getting a job and working for a living, moochers taking the government’s welfare handouts.  This sounds like she was complaining about the (worst-case) behaviors of SEIs and IEIs.  She complained about people who valued ‘feelings’ too much and said mockingly that your FEELINGS can’t make the crops grow on bare soil, and things like that.

Nathaniel Branden wrote about something that puzzled him.  With all her strength and her greatness, he was surprised to learn that she actually wanted a man to be stronger than she was – she wanted to be dominated by a man.  That suggests she was Ni valuing Se.  He found it hard to understand because she seemed like such a strong woman, and she made strong female characters in her books, and he expected her to be like a feminist, someone playing the strong role in the relationship, but instead she wanted a man to overpower her, to be even greater than she was.

And I always must mention the ‘she couldn’t sew a button on her shirt’ comment.  She seemed to have weak sensing.  Nathaniel wrote that she was totally helpless if some small physical thing went wrong, and she was so abstract-minded that she couldn’t deal with the real world, and he commented that this was in contrast to her story characters, who were strong, realistic people taking action in the real world all the time. 

I’ll just post this for now.  I’m reading a little bit about Ayn Rand on the net, since I can’t look at the books right now.

Why should men grow long hair?; also, Terry Nutkins ‘balding mullet’ or ‘skullet’; a long day of obsessing, followed by a tiny bit of work

July 24, 2011

The coffee is becoming less and less effective at helping me work.  I had two large cups today, and it didn’t make me feel like packing all the stuff in the bathroom.  Instead, it made me become obsessive, and I sat there surfing the net all afternoon looking at photographs of people with long hair and balding men.  I searched for all different combinations of search terms.  (However, good news, I did FINALLY do some more packing, and I got most of the bathroom stuff into boxes.  But most of the day was spent surfing the web.)

I looked at a blog: .  Terry Nutkins is another person with the long balding hair that I am advocating.  I think he looks great.  I always must add that I wish men would grow long, full beards and mustaches, and I feel that long hair without a beard, or with a short beard or partial beard, looks unbalanced and incomplete to me, similar to the way that a deliberately cut mullet looks unbalanced.  After saying that I also have to say that it doesn’t count if you belong to an ethnic group that isn’t able to grow beards.  I only mean, grow them if you can. 

I must explain the ‘small but devoted cult following’ rationale.  Imagine that you are selling a product.  Only a tiny number of people want this product.  However, they can’t get it anywhere else.  Hardly anyone produces it.  The buyers will happily pay a high price to get this special item that is so hard to find.  So, is it worthwhile to sell that item, even though only a small minority of people are demanding it?  Or is it only worthwhile to sell stuff that EVERYONE wants?  Is it ever worthwhile to sell something that a tiny number of people desperately want and are willing to pay a high price for?

I say the answer is yes.  That is the situation for men with long hair.  An unknown number of women either strongly love long hair on men, or else are neutral about it and don’t care one way or the other, or else they’re only pretending to like short hair because they believe everyone else likes it and so they are obligated to like it too.  Then, there are the rest of the women, who sincerely mean it when they say that they like short hair.  For whatever reason, that’s what they like, and they’re not changing their minds about it.  But that other minority really likes long hair on men.  Those women exist.

Those women, like myself, cannot find what they want, and are desperate to find it.  Speaking for myself, I know that I will tolerate other ‘imperfections,’ such as baldness on top, if they grow the rest of their hair long and also grow a long beard and mustache. 

Hair is there to be petted and stroked.  You run your fingers through it and over it.  It is there to sparkle in the sunlight and to show all of its different contrasting colors.  Hair has several different textures and colors depending on where it is.  Some men have multicolored beards and beards with stripes and other interesting things.  Those are not bad, those are good.  Variation is interesting. 

So if you grow long hair, you have an advantage over other men, in a way, even if you are partly bald.  The short-haired men have to compete against a huge number of other short-haired men to attract women who like short-haired men.  They are competing against a majority of people who are all doing exactly the same thing.  As a result, they have to develop some other strength in order to be better than all those millions of other men. 

But if they grow their hair long, then they have something unusual that all those other men don’t have.  They no longer have to compete against a million other men exactly like themselves.  When they grow their hair long, they make themselves into a small, highly desirable, desperately sought-after minority.  Suddenly, the men-to-women ratio changes.  A tiny number of long-haired men are now being pursued by a huge number of women who are desperate to find these men and can’t get them anywhere else. 

I don’t have numbers to prove this, but I am certain that the number of women demanding long-haired men is much higher than the number of men who actually have long hair.  It is a high ratio of women to men in this situation.  That’s my opinion. 

However, internet polls might not show this, because the outspoken women who express strong emotions and strong opinions tend to be the same types of women who harshly judge everybody who doesn’t conform to the mainstream norms.  They feel confident about loudly expressing their mainstream opinions, while the long hair lovers quietly keep their opinions to themselves and don’t bother answering polls or commenting on websites and photos. 

Long hair lovers are frustrated and have often given up hope on getting what they want, as I myself have done, because they have had a lifetime of experience with trying to ask men to grow their hair long, and being ignored or defied by those men.  They know from experience that they cannot get what they want, and so they don’t even bother expressing their opinions loudly on web pages and photos.  So internet polls don’t show these people.  That is me speaking from personal experience.

Now that I am growing natural dreadlocks and now that I have learned about how dreadlocks work, I have to modify some of my statements.  I always say that long hair is there to be petted and stroked.  However, you can’t really pet and stroke dreadlocks the same way you can long loose hair.  You can’t run your fingers through them in the same way.  So, are there any advantages to dreadlocks? 

I used to believe that dreadlocks always resulted from somebody doing horrible things to their hair and damaging it.  But now that I am growing them myself, I understand that new, matted hair grows from the roots underneath an existing mat, because the roots cannot change their position and untangle themselves, so they continue to grow in the matted, interlocking position.  That is the reason why a dreadlock continues to grow even though you aren’t doing anything to it. 

The natural way to start this process is to completely stop using any shampoo, conditioner, or other products on your hair, and to stop brushing it.  The hair will stick together because of the oils that your scalp produces.  Once the hair starts to stick together in strings, it will naturally start matting underneath the sticky strings, and it will continue to grow that way by itself, without any damage or teasing or crocheting or backcombing or wax or anything else. 

Now that I am learning to understand and appreciate natural locks, I have to wonder what it is like to stroke, touch, and handle someone else’s hair when they have locks.  I can only touch my own hair.  Is the hair still interesting and worthwhile to touch and look at, up close?  I don’t have experience with intimate relationships with anyone who has dreadlocks, and the types of people who grow them usually have the wrong personality types for me.  I only have experience with touching and petting long hair on men who did not have dreadlocks.

Locks do have one advantage.  They can grow longer than terminal length.  Your hair grows for a certain number of years.  Then each hair individually stops growing, falls out, and is replaced by a new hair growing from the root.  That limits the ultimate length of your hair.  This length varies greatly from person to person.  For me, terminal length was right around hip length.  This is known as ‘classic length.’  I can never grow hair any longer than that.

However, when hair is locked into a mat, that mat can continue to get longer and longer.  When the hairs disconnect at the roots, the rest of the hair remains tangled in the mat.  It does not fall off.  A new hair will still grow in at the root.  The very end of the matted lock might contain hairs that are not even connected to the scalp at all.  This allows you to grow a dreadlock longer than your hair’s terminal length.

That is what I am in the process of doing right now.  I am going to grow my dreadlocks to a very long length.  It will take many years, but it is a ‘new adventure,’ an achievement.  I achieved terminal length and could not go any farther.  There was nothing more to achieve.  There was nothing more to watch the progress of.  I like to watch my hair grow.  I like to see it changing over time.  I like to notice it as the hair passes each ‘landmark.’  It gives me something to eagerly look forward to as the years go by. 

The length of the locks measures my age, just like the concentric growth rings measure the age of a tree.  There is no way to lie or cheat.  The only way to grow them is to leave them alone for years and years and years.  When you look at them, you are looking at decades and decades of time that has passed.  It is impossible to instantly get long locks in a single day.

That is the satisfaction of growing long hair.  And it requires no effort.  It happens automatically as you do nothing.  ‘Doing nothing’ is the only way to achieve long hair!  It is the spirit of laissez-faire, non-intervention.  It exemplifies your impulse resistance.  If you randomly obey impulses to cut your hair, then you will destroy years and years of progress in a couple of seconds.  Being able to resist impulses, in order to achieve long-term goals, or ‘delaying gratification,’ is often described as a manifestation of maturity and adulthood.

So even though I do not yet feel completely secure about my dreadlocks, I am continuing with them, and I am growing more attached to them over time.  If I ever change my mind about them, I will comb them out instead of cutting them.  It may take months of patient work to comb them out, but a few months is nothing in comparison to the decade that it took to grow hip-length hair.  (Granted, that decade was longer than it should have taken, because I was still trimming and cutting the ends of my hair for a long time, and it would have taken fewer years to grow if I had stopped trimming it earlier.)

Accepting my ugliness:  I am not the most beautiful person.  I am also not the ugliest person.  However, now that I know about the Weston Price facial deformities, I feel greatly comforted about my ugliness.  I feel a sense of control.  When you feel ugly and unattractive, you also feel a lack of control.  You didn’t choose the body you were born with. 

In recent years, I have learned a lot about what causes health problems such as obesity, and I am certain that these things are not your fault – they are almost 100% the result of things that were done to you in the womb and shortly after your birth – and bottle-feeding babies with formula instead of breast milk is the biggest cause of obesity.  (I suspect that some vaccines might also cause obesity, by causing permanent damage to the adipose tissue, and possibly by infecting the adipose tissue with live viruses.)  It permanently damages your body for life.  That is not your fault.  It is also not the result of ‘genes.’ 

Therefore, a morbidly obese person is capable of giving birth to healthy, slender children.  It’s possible that hormones and other problems in that person’s body might affect the baby, but this problem will fix itself in a couple of generations, perhaps in the children’s children, if everyone breastfeeds and gets proper nutrition and avoids doing any of the other things that I suspect are the causes of obesity.  I want to see these things tested; however, I feel confident that they are true to a large degree, after all the reading and observation that I’ve done over the years.  One thing that I am absolutely, 100% certain of:  IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

(I must also add that using particular drugs will also cause severe obesity, and that is something that you do during adulthood.  You lose the weight if you stop using the drugs.  When I say that obesity isn’t your fault, I’m referring to the type of obesity that happens to people who aren’t using any of the drugs that cause obesity.)

And so, people who are ugly or unhealthy or have some problems with their bodies need to feel a sense of control.  You are able to control whether or not you cut your hair.  Even though you can’t control how long it grows, and you can’t control the baldness, you can still choose to grow whatever hair remains, to whatever length it will achieve, or longer if you allow it to form natural locks.  It is a way of controlling that which you can control.

I am accepting my own ugliness.  That is what I am asking men to do when they go bald.  They have some kind of vulnerability or imperfection in their physical appearance, and I am asking them to just accept it and continue to grow long hair and beards anyway.  I insist that it is still worthwhile.

another caffeine day; imagining myself learning language as a baby learns it; electronic harassment and sleep deprivation; being ‘ready’ to leave this apartment

July 24, 2011

I had coffee a little while ago, and as expected, the effects get weaker every time I use it, unless I allow several days of withdrawal and recovery after each use.  But still, it is helping overall, and I will continue to temporarily use it for the next few days until I get out of this apartment.  After I get into my car, I will again stop using coffee, as there will be no more urgent deadlines that have to be met while struggling with bouts of fatigue.  It will be kind of sad to stop using coffee and go back down to a lower level of mental and physical functioning.  However, that is my choice, and I have my reasons, and there are benefits to living at that lower level of functioning, and being drug-free. 

I went a while without putting any comments on the socionist blog.  But I did today.  When I do this, I feel that it is a violation, that I am not supposed to do it, that it is not welcomed or appreciated, but instead that it is repulsive and annoying and very negative, even if the comment itself is neutral or insightful. 

I can do comments now because I’m using my netbook, and its browser doesn’t malfunction in that particular way.  My PC for some reason wouldn’t post comments properly, so I went for several months attempting to leave comments which would disappear after I wrote them, and I didn’t know that was happening, and it was related to my computer being a Windows 98 PC running an old copy of Opera that was hacked and full of malware and other glitches.  For whatever reason, the blogger web pages wouldn’t function properly on that computer. 

If my comments hadn’t been getting deleted, he might have been able to reply to one once in a while, and I might have been able to calm down and accept the communication, but instead it led to the usual freaking out over how all of my internet communications are being spied on and manipulated. 

However, it is not really true that ‘it led to’ that happening, because there were several things that caused me to be ‘freaking out’ over the hacking and communication problems.  I have no way of knowing how I would have behaved if I were not being manipulated and forced to do things, believe things, and feel things that ‘they’ forced me to. 

The coffee clearly and definitely intensifies my crush on an unattainable person.  That is yet another reason why it is helpful for me not to drink coffee. 

Thinking of Rick, I looked at videos of the Russian Alphabet on YouTube, after I happened to click a link to a random video and then ‘suddenly decided’ that now was the time for me to listen to Russian alphabet songs.

I have a way of learning language.  I was annoyed by one particular video where the person wrote the English translations of each word next to the Russian word.  It was an alphabet video where they showed each letter and then several words that it was in.  The English translations of each word were irrelevant and distracting, and my eyes automatically attached themselves to the English words while ignoring the Russian words. 

I want to be forced to immerse in the Russian and nothing but that, as though English does not exist.  There is no translation.  I learn language like a baby who has never known any language before.  So, ‘translation’ annoys me and I want nothing to do with it. 

Instead I would like to memorize songs, which is why I was looking at alphabet songs.  And I want to focus on proper pronunciation before I even understand the meanings of words.  I want my mouth to feel how it is to properly speak each letter, and who cares what it means. 

The baby learns to speak by watching how other people react to what it says.  Do you laugh affectionately, or do you laugh in the painful, anxious way that tells me ‘this is wrong?’  If you laugh affectionately, I say the same thing again to see if it makes you smile again.  If you laugh harshly, I avoid saying that thing to you again.  What did I say that got such a negative response?  Socionics would affect all of these interactions, of course. 

Anyway I want nothing to do with the English translations of words.  When I learn a language, English doesn’t exist anymore. 

I don’t like the artificial, structured methods of learning language.  Instead I want to use glossolalia and baby talk.  I will make a bunch of messy sounds that might actually contain a few real words.  I want to make lots of mistakes.  Most of my baby talk will be meaningless.  I want to do lots and lots of wrong language, instead of doing right language.  Doing everything wrong is the way that I learn best. 

It’s sort of like carving a sculpture out of a block.  You start with a block and you carve away all the outside of it to bring out the sculpture inside of the block. 

And you accept and tolerate my baby talk, and you speak it back to me, imitating the sounds I made.  You try to say the same thing I said to you.  But when you say it back to me, it’s affected by your accent.  So I repeat it back to you, copying your accent upon it.  My accent shapes itself to match your accent as we repeat nonsense back to each other. 

Then, you get bored, and you change something, which tells me that we’re not getting anywhere, or it tells me that I’ve been doing it right and we don’t need to repeat it anymore, and if it’s important, we’ll do it again later.  So you do something different to make it go somewhere else. 

We are writing a song.  Every conversation is a symphony.  The sounds have no meaning.  They do not ‘translate’ to anything. 

A baby talk session would also involve ‘doing something’ together.  We would do some kind of a task.  In the beginning, I only care about finding food.  I have to learn about that before I learn about other things.  How do I ask for food, how do I talk about it, where do I find it?  So I learn to speak by asking for something to eat or drink and then going and getting it and talking about it while we do this. 

Everything that I do while learning a language is analogous to the things a baby does while it learns a language.  Immersion and interaction is better than translation and memorization of a foreign word next to an English word. 

But memorizing songs and other things is good for me, especially if someone can help me pronouce the sounds perfectionistically without the slightest trace of an accent.  Perfectionistically getting rid of the accent is more important to me than knowing what the words mean.  Even if I only know a total of 20 words, it’s more important for me to speak them without an accent than it is to know what they mean. 

It’s strange to hear a baby speak to you.  I am always shocked and surprised and emotionally moved whenever a very young child speaks out loud or says something to me, even something as simple as ‘Hi.’  There’s this belief that the baby cannot possibly understand anything or communicate anything, and yet, there it is talking to you like an adult.  It’s not just an animal.  Well, it is, but I mean, it’s not a ‘different’ animal, but instead it’s the same kind of animal you are.  Dogs can’t speak English to us (without a great struggle).  When the baby speaks to you in your language, it means ‘I’m a person.’ 

So all that was inspired by drinking coffee and temporarily reawakening the Rick obsession.  I know that this is all useless and pointless, and that if I tried to befriend him I would be rejected and badly hurt, because there are strict limits on the relationship, and I would always be trying to get more from him than he was able to give. 

I have a task to do today, the reason why I drank coffee yet again, the reason why I am putting up with these unwanted side effects for now, the reason why I am temporarily more intellectually alert and more lonely and obsessive.  I have to go into the bathroom and look at each and every bag of stuff sitting on the floor and decide whether I need this immediately, or whether I can put it into a box of miscellaneous stuff, and not worry about it for a few weeks, and put it into storage. 

I will have to put more and more stuff into the boxes, and use less and less of it, and then one day I will decide that it’s time to get everything completely out of the house, and walk around looking in every corner for lost and forgotten objects, and then I’ll get into my car, and I won’t ‘go home’ again, because this won’t be my home, this won’t be where I sleep and eat. 

It will be very inconvenient for a while, until I set up the procedures for how I do things.  I’m not leaving the area, and I’m not leaving the people and the familiar faces, and I’m not leaving my job, not yet, not until and unless I decide to.  I am only going to be living in a very inconvenient sort of house that doesn’t have any utilities.  I’ll have to borrow my utilities from everyone else. 

Maybe I’ll take baths in the creek.  That’s okay because I won’t be using any detergent or soap that would go into the stream, I would just rinse off with a washcloth, which is the way I am already doing it – I stopped using soap at the same time that I stopped using shampoo and any other chemicals on my hair, so I already am just scrubbing off with a washcloth and no soap of any kind anywhere on my body.  I still wash my hands with dish soap once in a while if they’re dirty, but overall, I don’t use any soap.  Anyway, that means taking a bath in the creek without soap is not that strange and not that different from what I already do. 

The baths will be unpleasantly cold.  Being cold all the time will be the biggest difficulty.  Everything is always cold, even in the middle of summer.  Jumping into a creek and taking a bath will still be uncomfortably freezing and shocking, even in the middle of summer. 

About being cold all the time:  I think that being cold all the time is associated with metallic dental fillings.  They affect a particular gland, and if I recall correctly, it’s the thyroid.  I haven’t been worried about this for a few years, because I had the metallic filling taken out and replaced with a plastic one, and so I have had to worry about the side effects of the plastic ones instead, and they don’t make me cold all the time the way the metallic one did.  They just make me stupid and give me breast pain.  The bisphenol-A always gave me an unpleasantly sludgy, dumb feeling in my head, making it hard for me to think. 

I’m going to drill out my own plastic fillings by hand, myself, in the future, unless I can find someone else who is willing and able to remove them for me without replacing them with any new fillings.  I will just have empty holes where the cavities were drilled.  I will eat a special diet to strengthen my teeth and avoid causing pain in the cavities. 

Then I will describe everything that happens, on the internet, so that other people can read about it, because tons of people want to do that same thing.  I want to tell everyone how I was able to get my fillings removed without adding any new fillings, because large numbers of people need to know how to do that, and I agree, I feel that same frustration.  People are always finding my blog through google searches asking how to remove dental fillings and leave the cavities unfilled.  When I do it, I promise, I’ll tell you all about it in thorough detail. 

Maybe I am ready to go try to pack things that are in the bathroom.  I’m anxious about trying to do work, because in reality, I am NEVER ‘ready’ to do it.  Especially now that I’m being electronically harassed.  In the past, it was okay to do everything at the last minute in the midst of a crisis.  That is my natural way.  But ‘they’ don’t allow me to experience any kind of crisis anymore.  But that’s a long story and I won’t get into it right now. 

They don’t allow me to sleep.  If only I slept for real, then when I awoke, I would be ‘ready’ to do things.  Readiness is the result of sleep.  Without sleep, it is impossible to be ready for anything at all.  I have not slept since the severe attacks began in 2003, so it’s been about 8 years since I slept.  I have ‘fake sleep,’ where the murderers push a button on a machine and force me to artificially fall asleep at the exact moment when they command me to, and while I am asleep, they force me to dream fake dreams and think fake thoughts, which they completely control, and then, a short time later, they push a button that forces me to snap awake at exactly the moment when they want to wake me up. 

As a result, my body and my mind are incapable of doing any of the things that they need to do while sleeping.  Every electronic harassment victim experiences this same thing, from what I have read.  It is pretty much THE DEFINITION of what it means to be a targeted individual, an electronic harassment victim.  Total sleep control and total sleep deprivation are the very center of the torture process.  It is pretty much this one thing, this only thing, that totally destroys and ruins all of your life. 

But I am going to pack some more belongings up.  And I will be living in my car.  And after this urgent deadline has passed, it is very likely that ‘we’ will be talking about new projects and goals.  And I hope that one of those goals, soon, will be to talk to other people in the world about electronic harassment, and to build an effective shield that will block it, and alternatively to find existing geographic and physical locations where the attacks are less severe, and to detect the attacks with equipment, and find the direction that it comes from, and understand who the attackers are, and collect enough evidence to prove it, and eventually, to force them to stop attacking, because ‘asking them nicely’ doesn’t seem to be working.

Recovering from yesterday’s excess caffeine; did a little more packing

July 23, 2011

Well, the coffee-induced mania yesterday caused me to write that extremely long blog, and then I went to forum and wrote several fluff posts there out of restlessness and boredom and loneliness, and I even used the chatbox for the first time, because my netbook’s browser is able to use javascript or java or whatever it is.  I’m not used to that, as I went a long time using my Windows 98 PC running an old version of Opera, and I couldn’t see a lot of things on web pages.

I had another cup of coffee today, but only one.  Coffee only works really well the first time I use it after having gone a while without it.  If I use it every day, it only helps a little bit, and that is what it did today, it helped a little bit.  The floor of my bedroom is now mostly cleaned off, and I have a couple boxes of miscellaneous objects and papers that I will not sort out, but will simply leave till later to be sorted.  Everything in the bedroom now is stuff that I’m still using.

The bathroom is still filled with miscellaneous plastic bags with clothing and washcloths and other things in them, and I have to decide what I will do with all that.  Some of it must be kept out, and used until the day I leave, and then, I will have to put it into some kind of box in the car so that I can continue using it after I move into the car. 

I haven’t planned yet what objects I will need in the car with me.  That’s one reason why I’ve been so impatient to get everything packed early instead of at the last minute, because ‘the last minute’ is the time when I will be moving into the car and I will have to do tasks and errands related to that.  For instance I will need to cover certain areas with cardboard to block off the drug residues so that I can sleep in there.  This is going to be a major nuisance project, and I can’t just do it instantly.  When you have chronic fatigue, every small task becomes huge.  The coffee only helps a little bit, and in reality, I’m still getting only a little bit of work done each day.  I got ‘more than nothing’ done, which is good, and I didn’t feel incapacitated with total exhaustion and pain.

Coffee seems to intensify some of my sexual/emotional loneliness.  It might be the coffee or it might be the other drug residues that I’ve been handling in the past few days, but for whatever reason, I have that feeling again of being attached to Rick, the current ‘crush’ who, as always, is inaccessible and unavailable and is not a real-world relationship, just a fantasy.  These crushes are temporary, I know.  In the future, not too long from now, it will be a crush on some other random person.

But I became picky after reading Rick’s writing, because I am impressed with how much he knows and how much his beliefs agree with mine, up to a point, and even in the areas where we disagree, we still see things very similarly.  I’m ‘picky’ in that now, nobody else seems as intelligent as he is, nobody else seems to be a good writer, and there is nothing on earth that I find as attractive as someone who is a writer.  In the couple of emails that he actually answered, he wrote long letters that were several paragraphs long, and I’ve had so many experiences with people who can barely force themselves to squeeze out one single coherent sentence of monosyllabic words, so I greatly appreciate his writing. 

I think about looking for other people nearby who have interests in common with me.  There is some kind of a mental barrier against doing that, and I am not sure what that barrier is, and it’s hard to explain.  It’s actually something I wanted to talk about with Rick before ‘they’ forced me to start harassing him every time I had a drug residue exposure.  I wanted to try to explain it or describe it, this barrier that prevents me from bonding with any local people except superficially. 

I also wanted to ask him some ‘How could you?’ sorts of questions.  There are things that I cannot bring myself to do, but other people do them, and I’ve read all the books, in the past, that urged me to value my own needs and to not place other people’s needs above my own.  But I have this idea that I have to live in this area or nearby so that I can be close to my parents, for one thing.  My question to Rick is ‘How can you leave your parents as they are getting older, and never go visit them, and not take care of them, and completely disconnect from them and never see them again?’  He doesn’t ‘never’ see his family, but it would be not very often.  If he has other brothers and sisters, he might be thinking that they would help their parents.  I know he has other relatives because his facebook page used to be public and there were other people with the same last name.  He did, actually, make the facebook page private when I requested for him to do it. 

So yes, the coffee triggered some of the feelings of loneliness again, the obsessive feeling.  Before now, I was coping with the loneliness by going out and seeing movies.  I reached a point where I was going to the movie theatre every day for several days in a row.  I watched ‘Harry Potter’ three or four times, I think four.  I also watched various movies at the dollar theatre.  But that requires spending money (although the dollar theatre isn’t too bad), and gasoline, and I am trying to avoid spending money or filling the gas tank too often during these two weeks off work, as I won’t have any income when the money in the bank runs out, until the week after I get back to work.  If I absolutely had to, I could get money by doing things I don’t like to do, such as getting checks from my parents.  Anyway, I’ve been using the internet at home as a substitute for going to the movie theatre, and that prevents me from using gasoline and money, so in that respect, having the internet at home temporarily is helping me.

About being ‘picky’ about which guys I like, and Rick:  I actually admire Rick.  I admire his lifestyle and everything that I’ve read about him.  It is hard for me to imagine that I would admire other people I would meet.  I am recalling what happened when I put up an advertisement for ENFP men and I started emailing several people at once, a few months ago.  None of them seemed to be really intelligent or admirable, although they were capable of writing letters and communicating with me.  The one guy who I talked to on the phone actually seemed, forgive me, downright stupid in some ways.  I found him annoying for various reasons and I won’t go into it all right now, as I’ve already complained before.  Just because someone is a dual doesn’t mean that they’re perfect for you, and again, that’s something I already know quite well. 

I could look for people who are interested in things like permaculture or anything having to do with self-reliance and survival.  However, that circle of people does not necessarily overlap with the circle of people who will be able to talk about mind control with me.  The people interested in mind control often have a new age religious belief about Ascension, something which is supposed to happen to the entire planet, so that we can become part of the galactic community and interact with aliens.  I have a different opinion about this and I am not going to try to argue through the entire thing with them.  But those are the people who are receptive to me if I tell them that I hear voices in my head.  They believe in paranormal, psychic phenomena.  That is the group of people who I can find easily, everywhere, but they are not who I want to talk to.  I want to talk to people who say, electronic weapons are manmade, and people are using them on innocent people, and this is a human rights violation, and it doesn’t need to have any connection at all with ‘aliens’ or anything.

One of the many questions I have about Rick is, how did he decide to reject belief systems based on faith?  The ‘based on faith’ rule came up when we were talking about Peak Oil.  He said that he didn’t see any elements of faith in it.  That tells me that he has a mental ‘rule’ that says he should reject belief systems that are based on faith.  I think I’ve also read this somewhere in one of his socionist blogs.  How did he decide to make that rule?  This is something associated with having Lex as your vulnerable function.  (It’s frustrating that I want to use those words, but nobody else is using them, so I feel this anxiety every time I use those words, because I feel that readers (whoever they are) will say ‘What the hell is “Lex?” while they are more likely to recognize the phrase ‘introverted logic.’)  People with Lex as the vulnerable function will have some simplified way of handling logical belief systems, so they might have one or two basic rules that they use to protect themselves against taking in harmful belief systems – that seems to be what Rick has done. 

And actually, he might be stronger about protecting himself than I am.  Before reading Ayn Rand, I didn’t have any criteria for which belief systems to accept.  After I read her books, all my beliefs had to be ‘approved’ by Ayn Rand, in the beginning, years ago, and anything that followed from or was associated with Ayn Rand and the libertarians was okay.  Since then, I have gradually picked up other belief systems and values that have no connection whatsoever to Ayn Rand, beliefs that she didn’t cover, weaknesses that she had – for instance, she knew nothing about how physical health, drugs, nutrition, etc could affect a person’s psychology and behavior.  (One of these days, I might try to prove that she is an LIE personality type, with Sensus as her vulnerable function.  But I’m not certain that’s her type, it was just a theory I had.  If I were typing her, I’d want to look at her books again, and watch a lot of videos.  I disagree that she’s LSI, because Nathaniel Branden described her as having weaknesses in sensing.  She could not sew a button on her shirt if it fell off, and she never learned to drive a car and had no interest in doing so, and he described her as being shockingly indifferent about driving.  I’m sure there were some other examples of weakness in sensing.) She thought that all of psychology was merely ‘mental,’ and as such, you could ‘control’ all of who you are by merely ‘changing your beliefs.’  But in reality you are also strongly affected by things like physical illnesses that make it hard to live daily life – I know all about this – and I am not being hindered by ‘negative beliefs’ or anything, but instead, by sheer physical pain and exhaustion from an illness.  Troubleshooting the illness is far more useful than changing my beliefs. 

So, Ayn Rand knew nothing about that, and in the past few years, I have wandered away from Ayn Rand and focused on those things that I think are very important, things that she never talked about, things that she didn’t care about or wasn’t interested in, and if I had the chance to ask her, if she were still alive, what she thinks of my assertion that physical health affects your behavior much more strongly than mere ‘beliefs,’ she would probably disagree with me. 

Merely reading Rick’s websites has changed my beliefs and opinions about a lot of things.  Even though I’m still fighting it, I’ve come to accept my ‘environmentalism’ feelings.  Julian Simon is associated with the legacy of Ayn Rand, in me.  I’ve said for many years that I don’t agree with particular parts of his book, for instance, he underestimates just how horribly toxic pesticides are, and I know from direct personal experience that they are horrible.  But I still agree with parts of his book.  And after reading Rick’s pages I am starting to feel like it’s ‘okay’ to be an ‘environmentalist,’ as in, to place a high value on protecting the environment.  This must be an implied belief of his, because he doesn’t actually explicitly harangue all the time about environmentalism, he just mentions it now and then among other things.

How much longer will I be attached to faraway people who I cannot meet?  How much longer will I be forced to have crushes on people who do not reciprocate my feelings?  This is not a naturally occurring situation, but rather something that results from being a mind control slave.  I am not doing this out of my own stupidity or neurosis.  I am doing it because ‘they’ forcibly prevent me from meeting real people and bonding with them.  How much longer will I be forcibly prevented from bonding?  Will I be able to meet people after I get finished with moving into my car?  Will I be able to think about it then?  Will I be able to put time and energy into that project?  Will I be ‘allowed’ to define a truthful, sustainable goal to achieve?  What I mean is, when I am being controlled, the murderers force me to do stupid things, to try unsustainable goals and projects that inevitably cannot work and are not natural to me as a person.  They force me to do things that I don’t want to do and cannot do.  As a result, every project fails.  Looking for people to bond with is a ‘project.’  I have to define which people I am looking for and plan which methods I will use to meet them.  The murderers always give me some fake ‘plan’ for how I will do it, and they give me a fake ‘goal’ that requires me to do something I don’t naturally believe in or desire to do.  They even write the ads for me, by putting words in my mouth while I’m struggling to express the truth in the ad – they forcibly prevent me from speaking the truth to the public.  If I were writing the ads myself, they would be emotionally moving and powerful in a particular way that I am able to speak.  If I could speak the truth, I would speak to that deepness, that spirit inside people, and it would make them want to do something.  But instead, my words are replaced with stupid, boring, lifeless, moronic words that bore people instead of inspiring them and exciting them.  I cannot speak to the desired audience, I cannot speak their magic words, I cannot unlock them, I cannot sing the melody that they are waiting to hear.  That melody is destroyed and silenced by mind control.  I want the world to know that the things I’m saying are real and important.  When the puppeteers write the ads for me, they speak to the Beta Quadra, because they don’t have any clue about Delta Quadra values.  When they do attempt to speak to the Deltas, they are unable to see, understand, and appreciate the spirit of Deltas and they write something boring and dry and dull, the negative Delta stereotype.  I recall several times when I was using the dating website that ‘they’ forcibly wrote the ad for me, and it was sort of a ‘call to action’ designed to be exactly the type of thing that Betas like to hear.  ‘Let’s all get together and CHANGE THE WORLD!’ kind of thing.  It wasn’t written by me. 

I just want to tell the truth.  I want to speak from within my true self.  I want to call out to people and have them hear the real me.  And Rick, they forced me to chase him away, to annoy him so much that he would never want to hear another word I would say, ever, but instead would see me as a crazy and incoherent, disorganized, manic, annoying person who was constantly attacking him and saying things that he didn’t like.  So I can’t even have a long-distance email relationship, a writer-to-writer relationship, one writer to another, one thinker to another, with him. 

Everything that I am FORCED to do is destined to go wrong.  I know they will be forcing me to try to meet people who they approve of. 

I haven’t seen any other mind control victims who have the same personality type that I have.  I do recall one guy who was sort of mellow, from years and years ago – he can only be found, now, in the internet archive, as his web pages are no longer up.  Somewhere on my other computer I have his name and a link to his page, and I can find it again, but it doesn’t matter.  The point was that I could actually tolerate reading that particular person’s web page, somewhat, although I still don’t think he had the same personality type that I have.  All of the victims and the people talking about it are utterly intolerable for me to read.  Sometimes I find someone who I respect who writes in a way that I like, but often those people are ‘inaccessible’ – they are in some kind of official organization and they do not have a ‘contact me’ address or anything where ordinary people can directly talk to them.  Instead they are sometimes activists in an organization that is supposedly helping people or getting new laws written or trying to protect human rights or whatever.  I don’t recall the example I’m thinking of.  Basically, anyone who knows about energy weapons and writes about them in an authoritative, respectable way is someone inaccessible that I cannot easily talk to directly, and they already have their own goals and priorities about it.  I want to find an IEE who knows about it and doesn’t believe that it’s ‘psychic’ or ‘aliens.’ 

How did Rick separate himself from Christianity?  His blog says that, long ago, he used to try reading quotes from the Bible to use as guidance for his personal problems.  You know how it is, they tell you some parable that you should look up that’s relevant to your personal problem, and then you’re supposed to go home and pray and meditate about this, and get some advice from God about what you’re supposed to do.  He said that those methods weren’t helping him.  He somehow became aware that Christianity ‘wasn’t working’ for him, and he somehow became aware that it was ‘a faith-based belief system,’ and he somehow separated from it, and then he even started ‘living for himself,’ doing the things that make him happy, instead of putting everyone else’s needs above his own.  I want to know the story of how he discovered all of those things. 

I think I’ll go look at his blog, briefly.  I’ll just post this for now but I might even come back and write some more.

Temporarily drinking coffee again after several months without it. Music theory, the movie ‘Rio,’ the strength of the demonstrative function, how I lost the spelling bee, and other stuff.

July 22, 2011

This is a huge, long, rambling, manic, disorganized blog about a bunch of different things.  My ‘book-length monologue,’ just like in the old days.  That’s what happens when I drink two large 24-ounce cups of coffee after having gone several months without any at all. And it’s also what happens when I have access to the internet at home.

Why did I decide to drink coffee again?  It was a hard decision and I’m not happy about it.  I am having an attack of fatigue, and it’s hard to troubleshoot.  However, I have a theory about something that might have caused some of my attacks in the past. 

I was talking about wanting to eat the fish in the streams.  So I went reading about fish and about how some of them contain industrial and agricultural chemicals, such as pesticides, that have washed into the streams.  I already know that I react very badly to pesticides.  After reading about PCBs and other chemicals that are often in the water, I decided that some of my previous attacks of severe fatigue might have been triggered by swallowing water while swimming at places like Whipple Dam.  My very severe attack of fatigue that occurred in 1999 coincided with several things: swimming at Whipple Dam frequently with Eric and his daughter; going to Harrisburg with Eric and visiting some of his friends and relatives and eating at a Chinese restaurant, where his daughter got sick; and the airplanes or helicopters or whatever spraying the gypsy moth spray that was supposedly safe for human exposure (but which I do not believe is safe).  I suspected that the severe attack of fatigue and inability to eat food for several months might have been caused by either parasites, chemicals, or the gypsy moth spray’s bacteria that is supposed to disrupt the digestive systems of the gypsy moths.  My new additional theory is that the sickness might have been caused by accidentally swallowing water that contained PCBs and other chemicals at Whipple Dam. 

I have been thinking about this subject a lot because a co-worker is having a problem very similar to mine.  She is just like me – she seems to be a SLI personality type, she is small and skinny and has an underdeveloped facial bone structure, and she has several chronic illnesses, including Crohn’s Disease (which I don’t have, thank goodness).  I’ve been asking her what’s she’s done recently, in her lifestyle, that is different from things she did in the past.  One thing she was doing was testing a filter that is in the neck of a water bottle that she bought.  The filter is right below the spout of the bottle.  She tried water from different sources, including the hose, to see if it tasted different after being filtered. I haven’t asked her this question yet, but I am wondering if she is testing any water from streams or ponds.  Those filters don’t work very well, which is why I don’t drink filtered tap water.  If she had a false sense of security, she might have tried drinking really bad water through the filter.  I’ve researched water filters and I no longer trust them.  I’ve sometimes had symptoms that continued even after filtering my water, although it does improve the water slightly.  So I never drink tap water, I only drink bottled water, because they usually have more high-tech filtering methods where the bottled water comes from. 

So the other day when I was at Millbrook Marsh, I deliberately drank a mouthful of water out of the creek.  I used to drink the stream water in West Virginia.  We were more isolated there, and we did not have agricultural runoff, as there were very few farms in the area.  So we did not have pesticides and fertilizer in the water.  Anyway, I’ve been watching my symptoms for the past couple days.  I’ve been occasionally having unexplained liver symptoms after going to Fisherman’s Paradise.  Pardon the grossness, but, it causes me to have unusually pale colored stools when I go to the bathroom.  I had that symptom back when the extremely severe illness was going on in 1999.  I had that symptom again after drinking the creek water.

A couple days is not long enough to develop a parasitic infection, according to what I’ve read.  I thought it was parasites, like liver flukes.  But it happens very quickly after exposure to the water, and liver flukes supposedly start causing symptoms after they’ve been growing in your body for several months.  Also, it fades away after a couple days and goes back to normal.  According to what I’ve read, that seems more like an exposure to PCBs or some other toxic chemical that temporarily interferes with liver functioning. 

So that is my new theory.  I’ve been having other symptoms, such as severe fatigue, weakness, and reduced appetite.  That matches the low-level PCB exposure symptoms.  The people working directly with PCB in the factories are the ones who have severe symptoms such as chloracne.  People who encounter the chemical in the streams will have milder symptoms.  However, some animals are having symptoms that I would not describe as ‘mild,’ such as, for instance, hermaphroditic polar bears who are born with both male and female genitalia.  I would say that’s caused by ‘a chemical which might or might not be PCBs.’  I agree that it could be any chemical and that it would have to be proven that it was PCBs in particular causing that.

So I am temporarily drinking coffee again after having quit it for several months.  I predicted that the coffee would cause me to start writing huge, long blogs again.  Here I am doing that.  I also have a wireless internet connection at home, thanks to the generosity of my neighbor, and so I am using it.  So I am having two addictions at once.  I fell of the wagon of ‘no coffee’ and ‘no internet at home.’  This is temporary.

Because of drinking coffee, I have regained my fast reaction times while driving a car.  I had to make a left turn out of an intersection where I could not see one side very well.  That intersection always makes me anxious.  But after drinking coffee, I felt as though I could quickly glance both directions and make the turn and feel that I could respond quickly if a car was coming.  I noticed the slower response time whenever I quit drinking coffee several months ago.  It definitely makes me feel less safe while driving a car.  I take fewer risks and feel less confident about making turns. 

I was frustrated because I could only force myself to do a tiny bit of packing each day.  I was taking long walks, hoping to wake myself up and make myself feel better.  It helped, but not enough.  The walks themselves were exhausting me.  I enjoy walking and was happy to do it, but it still didn’t make me feel well enough to do some packing and organizing.  The time is going by quickly, and I only have one week left until I leave, and there still is a list of things I need to do. Also, I keep having reactions to the drug residues that I am touching and handling while I pack my belongings and go into the storage unit.  And this is happening at the worst possible time, when I only have a few more days to do the work.

The coffee makes me feel happy, optimistic, and cheerful.  My body pain is greatly reduced.  All of my muscles and joints and everything are usually in a constant, low level of pain, and it’s worse when I’m having a fatigue attack.  It makes it very hard to do any work when I feel that way.  Coffee definitely reduces pain.  However, coffee and caffeine pills, such as Vivarin, are not the same.  Coffee contains a large number of unknown chemicals that are not present in caffeine pills, and also, the caffeine itself might have a different chemical structure than the caffeine in the pills.  I always noticed that pills did not make me feel as happy and optimistic and cheerful as coffee did.  The pills also cause me to have more of the unpleasant, negative side effects, such as upset stomach and trembling. 

I’ve chosen a life without coffee.  I will not drink it while I’m pregnant.  There are costs to living a life without coffee while also suffering from chronic illnesses and fatigue.  Without coffee, my intelligence is lower.  My reaction times are slower.  I am less happy and less optimistic and less willing to do work.  But I am choosing that life for a reason.  One reason is to avoid depleting my body’s minerals and other nutrients during pregnancy, and to avoid affecting the baby in any way.  Another reason is so that I am more aware of the reality of my chronic illnesses.  I can see the outbreaks of illness more clearly, as they are not masked by the coffee that gives me a fake feeling of being able to function.  I can focus more on troubleshooting the real illness that causes me to drink coffee in the first place. 

Also, I’ve always felt that a drug-free me is ‘the real me.’  I have a ‘potential’ in my body which is very different when I am off drugs.  The potential is lower, and different.  But some other manifestations of my potential are actually greater when I am drug free. 

In some ways, I am calmer and more focused when I’m not drinking coffee.  I can tolerate listening to slower, calmer music on the radio, such as choir music on the Christian station.  I actually love a lot of choir music and Christian music, but I have to imagine that I don’t understand what the words are saying.  Sometimes it’s written in a different language and so I can’t be annoyed by the words.  But when I’m drinking coffee, I quickly lose patience with slow music, and I want fast, energetic music. 

I’m thinking about what they said on wikisocion about music that reflected each of the various functions, and I agreed about their descriptions of ‘introverted sensing’ and ‘extraverted logic’ styles of music:  major and minor chords, and a tempo of ‘walking speed.’  But they didn’t describe another thing that I want from music.  The desire to be energized and exhilarated wasn’t described in either Si or Te.  I have this desire to be chilled, to get goosebumps, to be excited and surprised, to get the urge to dance, to move, to express the music.  Maybe that’s under the ‘extraverted ethics’ section.  But it’s not just about feelings.  It’s about feeling strong and wanting to do something.  It could be part of extraverted sensing, except it isn’t a ‘big and powerful’ ‘loud noises’ kind of thing like they described.  In fact, the feeling is disturbed and disrupted by noises that are too loud and powerful, such as big bass drums.  It is sometimes triggered by sounds and changes that are quiet and subtle. Other times the feeling is triggered in a variety of ways that I can’t recall offhand.

Last night I went to the dollar theatre again and watched ‘Rio’ for the second time.  I actually liked a lot of music in that movie, and I characterized the movie as being mostly from the Alpha quadra. I enjoyed the movie a lot.  They did something in one of the songs, ‘Tell The World’ or something – I’d have to look it up to see if that was the right name.  First, they played the chorus of the song at a lower pitch.  ‘She’s the one, she’s the one, I’ll say it loud…’ etc.  If I had my way, I might have removed the words ‘I’ll say it loud, I’ll say it proud,’ and just let it stand alone with ‘She’s the one, she’s the one… (silence).’  Anyway, in the first iteration of that chorus, ‘She’s the one’ was sung at a lower pitch.  But the second time they sung the chorus, ‘She’s the one’ had moved up a skip interval, perhaps a fifth, but I’m not sure if it was a fifth, it might have been a fourth.  I don’t have perfect pitch.  I would have to try it out on my keyboard to be sure, and I’ve packed my keyboard in a box today, thanks to drinking coffee and being energized enough to pack things.  When they moved it up a skip interval higher, it surprised me.  To make a song surprising and emotionally moving, you must do the same thing you did before, with a slight change in it, so that it’s not exactly what you expected.  It conveyed this emotion:  ‘You didn’t believe me the first time.  You didn’t take me seriously enough.  You didn’t think I meant it when I said “She’s the one.”  But I DO mean it.  I insist.  I say it with greater intensity at a higher pitch than I did before to emphasize it.’  This mimics the prosody of speech.  When you emphasize something with greater emotion, you raise the pitch of your speech.  When someone didn’t hear you the first time, you raise the volume and the pitch so that they can hear you.  It conveys emotional intensity and importance.  So many songs that I hear are written in intolerably boring monotones, where they never change the chords and never change the pitch of anything. 

I wish I could explain this to them.  I would give them a copy of William Russo’s book ‘Composing Music – A New Approach,’ which I am fanatical about, but this book will drive you crazy if you don’t like introverted logic, because introverted logic is EVERYWHERE in the explanations of how you change the notes and structure the music.  There are a lot of musicians who write music without ever using music theory.  They just play the guitar and write random things that sound good.  I’ve tried writing music by just playing things and hearing what sounds good, and I feel extremely limited that way, because you can’t utilize all the possible combinations of notes unless you are consciously and deliberately controlling the notes and understanding their relationships with each other.  It gives you so much more variety when you write notes consciously instead of automatically.  When you write notes automatically, you have a tendency to write familiar things that you’ve already done before, and all your music sounds the same.  But if you grasp the theory and the logic, you can deliberately vary the notes in ways that do not happen automatically. 

Now that I know more about the SLI’s functions, I would explain this as being the result of four-dimensional Lex, introverted logic, as my demonstrative function.  I can use Lex very strongly, but I just don’t usually verbalize it and I don’t worship it and I place greater importance on Profiteor (Te – forgive me, but I’m going through a phase of wanting to use Gulenko’s names) most of the time, even though my P is weaker than my L.  It’s interesting to me that the element in the creative function is actually weaker (3D) than the element in the demonstrative function (4D).  This is described on the ‘dimensionality of functions’ page and also on the page about functions in general.  It might actually make sense to call people by the names of their strongest functions, the base function and the demonstrative function, instead of calling them by their base function and creative function.  So I would be SiTi instead of SiTe.  But I won’t worry about that – it’s arbitrary.  It’s just another way of arranging information.  That would also make my dear dual NeFe, which is strange.  I wonder how four-dimensional Fe manifests in him? Perhaps it means that they pay close attention to other people’s emotions and are strongly aware of them, no matter how subtle they might be, but they normally suppress their own emotional expression?  I’d like to read Gulenko’s descriptions of the dimensionality of the functions.  This information is extremely interesting and intriguing to me.  I’ve wondered exactly what they’re talking about when they describe the ‘time’ dimension, changes over time.  Some of my insights into this have come from ‘hearing voices,’ actually – they gave me a couple examples and demonstrations that they said illustrated the phenomenon of a function that can see something changing over time.    

I knew the coffee would make me go nuts for a while.  Not only that, but it set up a craving for more coffee.  I went and bought a large cup, not a small, not decaf, but a large cup of ‘real’ coffee.  After drinking it casually without any ill effects, as though I’m already used to it, as though I’ve just been drinking coffee all this time, I had a craving for another large cup of coffee shortly afterwards, and went out and got one.  I predicted that it would make me want to spend the whole day blogging.  Wow, my prediction was right. 

However, I got a bunch of things packed, and as soon as I’ve finished writing, I’m going to go and get more work done.  I’ve cleared off the tables in my bedroom.  All the computer stuff and electronic things are in boxes and ready to go into storage.  The judgment calls (Do I need to use this now, or can it be put in storage?) are getting harder.  That’s yet another reason why the caffeine will help.  I don’t get as distressed about having to make a decision.

I heard another song recently on the radio that I wanted to talk about.  It was ‘St. Elmo’s Fire.’  This song exhilarated me. 

I learned how to spell the word ‘exhilarate’ because that was the word that caused me to lose in the regional spelling bee when I was in elementary school.  I spelled it ‘exhillerate.’  My mom was in the audience when this happened, and she said that she thought I would lose it on ‘exh’ – she thought that I wouldn’t know it had an H – and so when I correctly spelled it with an H, she thought the worst was over, and she thought that I would spell it correctly.  But actually, the H is one of the most ‘interesting and unusual’ letters in the word Exhilarate, partly because the H is silent and you don’t really pronounce it, and parly because it’s close to the beginning, and it’s easier to remember something if it’s in the beginning, but if something is in the middle, it’s hard to remember.  It might actually be easier to remember how to spell weird words with letters that are silent and unpronounced, simply because of their weirdness.  So I remembered the H.  I forgot all the ‘boring’ letters afterwards, and I tried to make it the same shape as the word ‘exaggerate.’ I modeled it after that word. So I gave it two L’s followed by an E.  Back before all of the things happened that reduced my mental ability, I used to be a perfect speller and had perfect grammar.  My grammatical ability got worse when I was in my early and mid teens.  Actually, this is not entirely true, as I see some grammar mistakes in my old third-grade diary.  I believe that my decline in mental ability was caused by: 1. getting orthodontic braces 2. getting some permanent teeth removed 3. wearing a plastic retainer 4. exposure to chemicals such as hair spray in my adolescence 5. exposure to pesticides in the house 6. poor nutrition 7. other/unknown. 

In later years, I learned that having a very high IQ and high potential is less important than having a ‘rational’ personality type.  ‘Rational’ types, in my opinion, are better able to complete college course work and get a degree.  You have to get things done on time in a scheduled, organized manner, and even if you’re a complete moron, you can still do better than a genius in college, if all you do is TRY to complete your assignments and you turn in something rather than nothing.  I hardly ever did my work when I was in college, due to severe hyperactivity, and I also believe that I was being electronically harassed at that time, too, because I remember noticing things during that time period that match the symptoms I have now which I now know are caused by electronic weapon attacks.  Anyway, I learned that ‘merely turning something in’ will get you a better grade than turning in nothing at all and getting a zero, which is what I usually did.  I had a pattern of not doing any of the daily assignments, but then studying intensely and deeply understanding and integrating the knowledge, at a completely different time than the rest of the class, and getting the highest grade in the class when I took the tests, for instance, in Calculus Class, where I got a 5, the highest possible score, on the Advanced Placement Test – except in those classes that required pure memorization without comprehension, such as history, which required me to memorize names and dates without understanding any ‘concepts.’  I hated history!  I hated the entire spirit of it.  You had to merely memorize a long list of seemingly random, disconnected, unpredictable events that happened, without deeply understanding the causes of them.  Government did this, government did that, intervention was required, we couldn’t have done it without government, government is our hero, government is wonderful, we had to kill a bunch of people, there was no other option, thank goodness we killed all those evil people who disagreed with us or else we’d all be speaking German and Japanese today, blah blah blah, I can’t stand it, I’m going to go insane.  That would be described as a ‘feeling of malaise’ from using my Id functions in socionics!  Se and Ti:  follow these rules, and kill people because we said so, and the world requires us to constantly watch over it and intervene in every little thing, because the free market will NEVER take care of it.  Until I read about libertarianism, I had no words to explain why history class was so unbearable for me.  The most historic events in history are also the most horribly offensive worst-case manifestations of the disvalued functions.  I always felt as though the ‘why’ explanations they gave us were extremely biased and shallow – why exactly did we need to intervene and pass a law and kill people in order to accomplish some goal?  Why exactly was that goal so life-or-death important that we HAD to force people to do it?  But I couldn’t have explained all that until I became a libertarian.

I was originally writing about St. Elmo’s Fire.  I first heard that song when I was in third grade, shortly after we moved to West Virginia.  I loved the song so much that my brother bought it for me on a record for my birthday.  I learned, for the first time, that the songs on the ‘B’ side of a record usually suck!  There is the ‘B-side songs’ phenomenon that people have described, where you buy a record because you like all the really good songs that are on the A-side, but the other songs aren’t any good, and they’re all on the back.  This record was only a single, and I don’t even remember the name of the song that was on the back.  Am I remembering correctly when I imagine that my record player was able to automatically flip over the record to the other side?  Did record players really do that?  There would have to be a robotic arm that grabbed the record and flipped it over.  I know that they did that inside of jukeboxes, but did ordinary record players do it?  Maybe what I’m remembering is a record player that would automatically lift up and go back to the beginning after it reached the end of the record.

St. Elmo’s Fire made me feel excited and exhilarated.  It energized me.  It made me feel strong and hopeful, like I needed to do some huge, great thing, but I didn’t know what.  This manic feeling would often frustrate me in later years, and I developed defense mechanisms to cope with it – I gradually learned that I shouldn’t try to start any projects at all, rather than starting a hundred different random projects that I would never finish – but unfortunately, as a result… I never start anything at all!!!  I often felt this intense manic desire to do something huge, but I was also powerless, attention-deficit, lacking guidance, and unable to complete goals, and so the manic energy would often be wasted as I would try to start some project and fail to complete it, and then waste more resources on some other new project a short time afterwards.  I would often do random things like borrowing a violin from the music store and spending a couple of days half-heartedly trying to learn how to play the violin without taking lessons, and then giving it up.  Playing the violin or the cello is on my long-term to-do list, that to-do list that I will complete if I become invincible and immortal and I don’t have to worry about running out of years in my life.  If that ever happens, then I will learn to play string instruments. 

My mom had a guitar, and in the old days, she used to play it once in a while, back when we were all happier, back when we lived in Greensburg PA, back when we still went to the beach and the boardwalk and Mom-Mom’s house, back when Mom painted and sewed and knitted, back when Mom and Dad used to go to the neighbors’ house to play Bridge, a mysterious card game that I never learned to play, while leaving us with a babysitter who we loved, Eve – I still remember her name – when I see photos of her now, I realize that she was an ugly, pimply teenager with braces, but when I saw her back then, I adored her and I thought she was the most beautiful and amazing woman in the world, and I wanted to be like her!  (I did, actually, become an ugly pimply teenager with braces.)  I liked Eve because she gave me hugs, if I recall correctly.  I liked people who were able to express love and affection through touch, because I was shy and didn’t know how to touch people easily.  Eve was kind and gentle.  She would let me snuggle against her while we sat on the couch watching TV – there is a photo of us sitting like that, if I recall.

Back then, Mom played guitar, and we sometimes sang John Denver songs. 

I am able to play the piano.  I took piano lessons when I was a child, but I quit them during the bad time period when I was becoming sick and depressed and losing my abilities.  As an adult, I briefly played the piano again when my roommates had one at the Whitehall Road house, where I lived in 1998 or so.  And as an adult, I finally understood that the – what are they called?  The dynamics?  Whatever.  The dynamic marks really matter, things like crescendo and decrescendo, stress marks, and other things that tell you how to play the notes.  The expression marks.  You don’t just play the notes all at the same volume.  It matters how hard you press the keys, how fast, how slow, and it matters how you change from moment to moment.  As an adult I understood that much better than I did in childhood.  I had listened to many songs, and had a lot of cassette tapes by then, and I had heard what a difference it makes when you play something with, or without, expression. 

I had attempted to describe, in my journals and notebooks, and in my own head, the reasons why I liked or disliked particular songs.  I had struggled to verbalize the characteristics of my ideal music.  I had struggled to explain why a lot of music frustrated me and failed to express what I wanted it to express.  I had become aware of ‘skip intervals,’ but didn’t know what they were called – I only knew that it triggered powerful emotions if you jumped from one note up to a higher note, but not in a random or chaotic way, not too often, but only after having stayed at a low level for a while, which causes you to become bored and to expect that it will continue to stay at that low level, and then you’re surprised and excited when it jumps upwards.  Good music is a mixture of boring, predictable familiarity, interspersed with unexpected changes, but not too much chaotic random change. 

Musical ‘words’ exist, little phrases of notes that stick together and stay together and occur repeatedly, and when you play them again with a slight change, it’s like somebody speaking a word with a different emotion behind it.  This is literal, not metaphorical – it directly resembles what is going on whenever we speak language.  All of our words are literally musical notes.  When you raise your voice up a skip interval, it expresses something like a leap of intuition, or a change in the idea, so that new possibilities open, something hopeful and good, a world opening up.

I’m almost finished writing this – I will soon be ready to get back to work again.  Anyway I was saying that I wanted to play the violin.  I tried playing guitar, briefly, and I gave up on it because I have unusually short fingers.  It is hard to reach around the stem of the guitar and press down on the strings with short fingers.  I have wondered whether this would affect my ability to play the violin.  I also very much love the cello, as it vibrates my rib cage, it vibrates deeply inside me, (and no, I realize everyone’s imagining ‘using a vibrator’ or something right now, but it’s not like that) and I would love to play the cello too, but if my fingers are too short then I would be limited the same way I was with the guitar.  So I might have to play a smaller instrument.  I forget which one is the smallest.  Is the viola smaller or larger?  There might be a type of violin that children play – I’ve seen little kids playing the violin.  It might be a ‘fiddle.’  I forget whether fiddles are different from violins, or whether it’s the same instrument played differently.  So that’s on the list of things I would do if I weren’t worried about paying the bills, if I were immortal, if I were safe and healthy and happy. 

In St. Elmo’s Fire, there is a trumpet playing a series of notes in the background.  Electronic synthesizers have a hard time mimicking the trumpet.  In fact, they have a hard time mimicking all acoustic instruments.  I don’t believe in writing too much electronic music without ever translating it back into acoustic instruments.  I like the idea of temporarily using the computer to write a song, so that I can make a rough draft and get an idea how it will sound, but then eventually, I would write the song for real physical instruments, and I would ask the players to tell me whether it was physically possible to play those notes in that way, or whether I needed to alter the notes so that they were playable.  If I had my way, I’d record the songs using analog instead of digital, so that they would have the best quality of sound.  I would also hire people to sing for me, but I cannot write words – that is my great weakness.  I have never been able to write good poetry or words for music.  However, I can write glossolalia, just like ‘Cocteau Twins,’ as she seems to sing in glossolalia or inaudible mumbling mixed with a few real words here and there.  My music would strongly resemble Cocteau Twins.  ‘Carolyn’s Fingers’ was one of the songs that my brother shared with me, long ago, and we all agreed that it was a great song.  I remember Rachael’s sister Lindsay also agreed that the song was great.  It has chord changes and arpeggios.  I know what these things are called, now, and I know how to write them.  I can write songs as great as Carolyn’s Fingers.  Even better, actually.  I know that I can.  They can be longer, deeper, more complex, and more subtle.  But I can’t write words.  Someday, perhaps I will collaborate with a kindred spirit, perhaps someone of the SEI personality type, someone who is able to write emotionally expressive words, or perhaps even an ESE type, someone who would agree with me about the chords and the melody but who would have great strength in their ability to express emotions in words, while I would have great strength in the technical structure of the music.  Collaboration created the song ‘When I Ruled The World,’ or ‘Viva la Vida,’ which is from the one-hit-wonder band that never wrote any other songs that I liked – and I know this because I bought their CD and didn’t like anything else on it.  If I could collaborate with other songwriters, we would write amazingly great songs that could express feelings that I myself cannot express alone. 

‘Just once in your life… a man has his time… and my time is NOW… I’m coming alive.’  St. Elmo’s Fire – those words gave me this manic energy and a desire to do something big.  I was a child, and I had no idea what I wanted to accomplish, or how to accomplish it.  I did not have skills or knowledge.  I did not have money or power.  I only had an intense desire to do something big.  I was struggling to express it, struggling to create something.  I tried and failed many times to start projects and to create something.  I tried to decide what exactly I wanted to create, what purpose I wanted to achieve.  My manic feelings frustrated me, all these years. 

Without caffeine, the mania is greatly subdued.  I’m not sure what triggered mania when I was a child, before I drank coffee, but I strongly suspect that drinking tea triggered it, because I did occasionally drink tea back then.  I’ve had manic euphoria from drinking tea, camellia sinensis, ordinary iced tea or hot tea, but that euphoria doesn’t always happen, and tea tends to make me very sick at my stomach, and it causes constipation, and it gives me ‘tonsil stones,’ tonsilloliths, which are very disgusting and I won’t describe them, and you can google them if you want to know what they are.  It makes me angry that some people get their tonsils permanently removed because of tonsilloliths, which are a trivial problem that can be easily solved with troubleshooting.  You NEED your tonsils.  But oh well. I recently realized that the ‘interventionist approach’ to medicine is related to extraverted sensing, Factor, whereas the non-interventionist approach is related to introverted sensing, sensus.  With sensus, you usually assume that the body will, by default, do the right thing on its own. 

But with mainstream medicine, they use extraverted sensing, where they assume that the body is helpless, weak, and defective, and it always requires extreme interventions in order to function properly, so they chop off your essential organs without worrying about the long-term consequences to your entire body, and they give you toxic drugs to force you to feel better instantly, while telling you that you should just ‘ignore’ the horrible side effects – a sure sign that introverted sensing is their ‘ignore function’ or a disvalued function.  The body must constantly be forced to obey your will, and extreme and harsh interventions are required, so you must chop off your internal organs, extract your teeth, drill holes in your cavities and fill them with poisonous metals and plastics, remove your appendix, remove your gallbladder, have babies by Caesarian section, use drugs to induce labor if you’re having vaginal childbirth, remove your tonsils, use extremely toxic artificial hormones to replace hormones lost during menopause, only to have to remove the breasts that will get cancer caused by the toxic synthetic hormone pills, use toxic contraceptives to prevent pregnancy, and so on.  I could list a thousand examples of the methods that I hate in mainstream medicine, and the heart of it all is the ‘extraverted sensing’ approach: USE FORCE!  Make the body obey your will!  Right now!  Ignore the pain!  Ignore the side effects!  Ignore the vomiting!  Ignore the poisoning!  Ignore the overdoses!  Ignore the fainting and passing out!  Ignore the preventable cancer!  Ignore the dizziness!  Ignore the impotence and anorgasmia!  Ignore the drug-induced murders and suicides!  It isn’t important!  All those side effects are trivial, and only WIMPS worry about them.  This culture is associated with groups of people who disvalue introverted sensing. 

When mainstream medicine is guided by introverted sensing’s rules and priorities, then troubleshooting becomes more important than intervening and using force.  What activity is causing the health problem?  Our approach is to stop doing activities that are harmful to the body, instead of continuing to do harmful things and then using force to stop the body from suffering the harmful effects of our activities. 

An example:  You eat bad foods that cause you to get diarrhea, gas, or constipation.  The mainstream approach is:  continue to eat whatever foods you want, and then take an over-the-counter pill to treat the symptoms of gas, diarrhea, heartburn, constipation, nausea, or whatever.  Drink some Pepto-Bismol.  (If I recall correctly, I don’t think I’ve ever used Pepto-Bismol in my entire life, and if all goes well, I never will!) You must FORCE your body to submit, to endure the harmful things you’re doing to it.  You must force it to obey you.  Digestive system, I COMMAND YOU to digest this bad food!  You WILL digest it, you WILL put up with it, and you will NOT complain about it by giving me these unpleasant symptoms!  You will shut up and do your job!  That is the mainstream approach.  Force the body to obey and force it to shut up.  It was only recently that I became able to describe how my approach is different from the mainstream medicine approach.

By the way, ‘natural herbs’ and ‘herbal medicine’ are just as bad as prescription drugs and over-the-counter drugs.  They are just another way of controlling the body with force.  Alternative medicine, vitamin pills, nutraceuticals, and other supplements are almost always dangerous and have side effects, although they sometimes purport to be trying to help the body in a natural way.  People assume you have to ‘do something’ in order to make the body function properly, and as such, it is an interventionist approach that uses force. 

Granted, we must always ‘do something’ in order to survive – we have to eat!  And I am not sure where to define the boundaries of ‘using force to control the body’ versus ‘doing natural behaviors that our bodies are designed to do.’

The introverted sensing approach values an explanation of what is causing a health problem.  We value things like what I’m reading in the book by Ramiel Nagel, where he says that phytic acid in grains causes cavities, and actually, the phytic acid is WORSE in whole grains than it is in grains that have had the bran and germ removed.  (I need to go back to the16types forum so that I can update my thread about Weston Price, because I was saying that whole grains were better than white flour.  Ramiel Nagel added on to the things that Weston Price believed, because we have learned more about grains than we knew back then.) Ramiel Nagel says that even if you soak and sprout your grains, even if you ‘sour’ them (and I don’t know how to do that) as Weston Price wrote, you still haven’t removed all of the phytic acid.  This is interesting, as it answers the question ‘Why would Rick get cavities while eating a mostly sugar-free Mediterranean diet?’  Rick wrote a blog about his experience of getting a cavity filled in Ukraine.  He shouldn’t be getting any cavities at all. 

He eats buckwheat while hiking.  I read that buckwheat is a good choice among grains, as it’s a ‘pseudo-grain,’ if I recall correctly, but yet, they said that it still contains some phytic acid, just not as much as the other grains have.  He might be getting cavities because of eating buckwheat, and soaking the grains might not be sufficient to remove enough phytic acid. However, it might not just be the buckwheat that causes the cavities, it might also be all the other ‘dry food’ that can be easily stored at room temperature, because he eats that kind of food for months at a time while hiking, although he eats fruits and vegetables and perishable foods for short periods of time when he reaches a town.  Do I have the answer about what kinds of foods you should eat while hiking?  Yes, I do have an answer, but it’s an answer that will inconvenience everyone:  It’s probably a good idea to go hiking with a herd of cows or yaks or sheep or something, the way nomadic tribes do, and you drink their milk, and their blood (which is described in the Weston Price books).  Or you hunt and forage while hiking, which can be dangerous, because you need to learn how to avoid poisonous plants, and also you need to avoid parasites, and if you read about ‘which plants are edible’ on the internet, they will tell you a lot of dangerously incorrect or incomplete information, such as ‘milkweed is edible,’ which I believe is dangerously wrong.  They say you can eat the roots of milkweed, but I believe you should not try to eat any part of that plant at all, not the roots, not the stems, not the leaves, not any part of it.  There was a story of a guy who wrote a book called ‘Stalking The Wild Asparagus,’ or something like that, and that guy died at a shockingly young age from a heart attack, and I personally believe that he might have been eating poisonous plants that cause heart attacks, such as milkweed, while he was foraging.  Or he might have been exposed to some other poisons.  Eating plants doesn’t guarantee you a long and healthy life free of heart attacks. 

Anyway, if you read on the internet about foraging, you are likely to get dangerously wrong information, and you will have to test it and troubleshoot it yourself by using ‘the universal edibility test,’ which is described on various websites and I won’t look for them right now.  So I can’t advise hikers that they ought to learn how to forage in all the locations where they are hiking, as they must learn about all the local flora in that area, and mistakes can be deadly.  As of right now, I don’t have any good advice, and I’m still learning.  Eating earthworms is probably safe, but I haven’t tried it yet.  I will, though!  I think everyone needs to know how to safely eat bugs.  This is a potentially huge and under-utilized food source, and it is almost infinitely plentiful, and it doesn’t require thousands of acres of land.

Nutrition is very complicated, and it can be frustrating when you go a long time believing that you’re doing something right, only to find that it’s exactly the wrong thing, and you have to do the opposite – only to find that ‘the opposite’ is also the wrong thing to do!  That’s what I’ve been learning about.  There are so many rules, and you have to prevent them from contradicting each other.  You shouldn’t eat whole grains, but you also shouldn’t eat too much ‘white flour’ or processed grains either, and in fact, you might be better off not eating any grains at all – but there are dangers to eating too much protein, because I’ve read that if you eat too much protein, it can cause calcium loss from the body.  So you can’t eat too much grain, but you also can’t eat too much meat, and according to the Feingold Diet, bad things can happen if you eat too many fruits and vegetables!  And don’t get me started on all the complexities of how to properly choose which types of fat you should eat! 

Not only that, but based on my own observations, the ‘Weston Price Diet’ is lacking the details about what exactly happens when you eat saturated fat, and it fails to explain why some people can eat it, while other people get the symptoms that are associated with saturated fat in ‘mainstream medicine.’  Mainstream science tells us that saturated fat is bad.  Weston Price devotees say saturated fat is good.  Barker’s Hypothesis tells us that the small, thin, deformed people, such as myself, are at greater risk of heart disease, which matches my own experiences of having severe heart problems after handling herbal drugs that affect the heart, and observing undesirable heart symptoms after eating all-natural, hormone-free, grass-fed, raw Swiss Cheese made from Amish milk – it made my heart pound for a while after I ate only a few bites of cheese. According to the Weston Price devotees, that type of cheese ought to have been good for me.  I am not going to just ‘give up’ and say that the Weston Price people are entirely wrong.  Instead I say that I must ‘keep the baby and throw out the bathwater,’ and I am determined to find out which is the baby, and which is the bathwater.  I know for sure that part of the ‘baby’ is the idea that ‘the body is deformed by malnutrition and poisoning before conception and during prenatal and early postnatal life, and many common deformities are NOT caused by DNA,’ for instance, crooked teeth. 

Small, skinny people probably have small, narrow arteries, whereas large people have large, fully formed arteries.  When I used to have blood drawn at the doctor’s office or when I was donating plasma, they always complained that I had ‘narrow veins’ that were extremely hard to find.  Narrow arteries are probably a manifestation of the Weston Price / David Barker deformities.  So it is not as simple as merely telling people that all of mainstream science is wrong about saturated fat, and saturated fat is good for you.  Saturated fat is good for people who have properly formed arteries.  Saturated fat is bad for people who have deformed, narrow arteries.  This is my theory.  It might not only be the narrowness of the arteries causing the problem, but it might also be some other factor that determines whether or not saturated fat is good for you.  This is only one example of conflicting rules from different sources, both of which might be correct under different circumstances. 

Anyway, as an adult, I have more skills, knowledge, independence, money, and power than I did as a child.  I am physically and mentally capable of setting goals and achieving them, although it still isn’t easy for me to do that, especially when I am choosing to live without drugs, and when I am still being attacked by electronic weapons. 

Oh, speaking of which, I was reading a web page about geophysical electrophonics, , which I believe is the same technology that causes the external banging, clicking, and snapping noises that harassment victims experience.  Somebody is using this to make weapons that can move and push objects around, to make the surfaces of objects slip and slide against each other, to make loud noises or small noises on objects around the victim, or on any objects anywhere at all – perhaps even deep underground – you might even be able to cause earthquakes if you could get strong enough signals aimed at a place where the tectonic plates intersect.  It would have to be a strong signal to penetrate that deeply underground. 

Anyway, I believe that a lot of my harassment is based on the same principles as geophysical electrophonics.  Someday, when I have time, I will once again attempt to convince and persuade people that this is real, and I will attempt to explain how it’s done, and I will argue through all of their objections (‘Nobody would do that,’ ‘Why would anybody waste their time stalking and harassing YOU?’ ‘How do you know that you’re not just imagining it?’ ‘Couldn’t you just be “psychic?” etc.).  And I would like to get some people to help me reverse engineer the weapons, and also to purchase the weapons that already exist and are available for sale over the internet, so that I can demonstrate that it is real. 

But I would need a purpose – why do I want to convince these people?  What kind of help do I want to receive from them?  Do I want to motivate them to become activists who educate the public about this phenomenon?  Do I want to motivate them to persuade politicians and voters and other people to write laws about this?  Do I want to motivate them to become human rights advocates who talk about electronic weapons?  People won’t believe that harassment technology is ‘important’ until and unless it’s being used against them and people they love – and no, by the way, I am NOT saying that this is a legitimate method of forcing people to pay attention to it and care about it!  It’s just as important as every other evil phenomenon in the world, such as murder, and kidnapping, and torture, and child molesting, and every other evil phenomenon that exists in the world.  Electronic weapons are just another evil thing amongst all the various evil things that exist.  I myself wouldn’t care about it at all, or pay attention to it at all, except that it’s used to torture me every day of my life, and I can’t escape from it, as the murderers follow me everywhere I go.  That is the only reason why I care about it at all.  However, you can argue that electronic weapons have a larger impact on the world than small-scale individual crimes do.  You can attack and control huge groups of people at once, without their knowing that they’re being attacked, and in that respect, it’s different from individual crimes such as murder and rape and anything else.  And if people are using it to move tectonic plates or control the weather, then they can cause large-scale disasters and kill thousands of people.  In other words, it’s IMPORTANT. 

Apparently, ‘they’ want me to demonstrate this and persuade ‘good people’ and ‘trustworthy people,’ innocent people with good ethics and good intentions, to believe that it exists and to talk about it.  People will argue about whether it’s strategically a good idea to ‘keep it secret’ versus ‘open everything up and tell everybody.’  If we keep it secret, that means that a small number of people ‘in the know’ will have power over everybody else.  If we ‘tell everyone,’ that means that a lot of small-scale crimes will occur as every random malicious person starts using the technology for trivial harassment and mundane crimes, the ‘You insulted my ego, so I’ll destroy your entire life’ type of attitude, or ‘You rejected me sexually, so I’ll spy on you through the walls of your house and look through your clothing and watch you having sex with your boyfriend,’ and blah blah, all that trivial stupid petty annoying stuff – malaise, irritation, and boredom – an indication of my ‘ignore function’ in socionics – there is nothing on earth more annoying and petty than the behavior of people who want to use extraverted sensing, physical force, to harass, torture, get revenge, spy on, and control people – nothing on earth is more boring and annoying than that.  And, like it or not, I am constantly being attacked by that very thing, and I have no choice, except to respond to it somehow, by finding a way to protect myself, to ignore it as much as possible, to keep on living, to build a shield, to talk about it even though it’s the last thing on earth that I desire to talk about or think about, even though so many things are more important to me than that, to go someplace where the effects are less severe or the attackers are less malicious and destructive, and so on.  I have to do something, whether I like it or not.  That is my life and that is my misfortune.  I would have lived a very different life if I could have chosen to.  Anyway, the strategy that ‘we’ have chosen is:  reveal everything to everyone, as much as possible, and destroy the secrecy, even though this leads to chaos and small-scale individual criminal activity.  Otherwise, the few will have power over the many, as they do right now.

I should finish this and get back to work.  I’ve gotten a lot done today because of the caffeine, but, as expected, it also caused me to go completely nuts and write a huge, long, crazy blog for hours and hours and hours.  And I will have to quit coffee again and go into withdrawal.  But I will be able to get my stuff moved out before the deadline, in spite of my chronic fatigue attacks.

Oh my gosh, I have FINALLY decided that this blog is finished, after having reread it several times and added a lot of paragraphs and tangents in between other paragraphs and tangents. 

As I was writing this, ‘the voices’ made a joke.  They said ‘Harry Potter, anyone?’ as an invitation for me to go see the movie again.  I have already lost count of how many times I have seen it.  It’s either three times or four times.  I love to see it with a big crowd of people.  It is one of the few times that I feel connected with strangers.  One time, I sat next to a guy who occasionally mimicked the snake-like head movements that the actors do in the movie whenever they are connected with Voldemort.  He did a perfect imitation of that movement, and he cracked his neck the way you crack your knuckles.  The message that I got from this behavior is that he wanted to be seen by other people, to be valued, to be special.  He wanted someone to understand that he is a special and important person instead of just another boring and meaningless face in the crowd.  And I regretted that I myself could not connect with him and that I could not value him the way he needed to be valued, and I could not use his skills and abilities and his specialness, nor could I connect with and use all the other people in the crowd, even though I knew that every person was special and important.  It is regrettable that people have a desire to be seen and valued, they desire to be important, they desire to have a mission to fulfill, but it is hard for them to find other people who are able to see their value and bring it out.  I know exactly how that feels.

Barker Hypothesis is similar to Weston Price research

July 20, 2011

I was reading about chemicals in the environment when I stumbled upon this page.  It says that the likelihood of heart disease increases if a child is born underweight.  Almost everything in this article is exactly the same as Weston Price’s research.

I reclaimed Spring Creek and Slab Cabin Run for myself today

July 20, 2011

This morning I got up early and I added antifreeze/water to my car’s radiator.  I’ve never done that before.  But the other day I decided to check the fluid levels, following the instructions in the car’s little manual, and I saw that the radiator coolant was low.  I know you can’t open it while it’s hot or steam will shoot out and you’ll get burned – that much I know not to do.  But other than that, I didn’t know anything.

So I added the antifreeze/water this morning.  It comes in a huge jug that I will never use.  I only used a tiny bit of the jug, and there’s still, like, two gallons left over.  It would take me about fifteen years to use that much antifreeze.  As soon as I started pouring it, I started to get sick from the vapors.  I knew to wear gloves while I was handling it, so I didn’t get it on my hands.  But I could smell it.  I started to get dizzy and felt like I was going to pass out.  I filled it up, closed all the lids, and took off my gloves and decided that I needed to take a walk until I felt better.  So I went walking along the road outside my apartment.

I usually don’t like walking along the road.  I don’t like seeing and hearing cars and knowing that everyone is looking at me.  I don’t like the smell of exhaust.  I don’t like walking in a place that isn’t covered with trees.  But I am trying to avoid driving my car for the next couple weeks, because I won’t have any money, and there will be more overdrawn checks, and I deposited a check that my mother gave me, even though I didn’t want to.  I can’t afford to use much gas right now.  So I didn’t go anywhere special, I just walked down the street.

The chicories were beautiful – I have always loved that flower – and they were not yet fully opened.  It was early morning.  I decided that this walk was okay after all.  I could smell the weeds and plants growing alongside the road.  The air was misty as though the cloud bank was at ground level, as though we were in the clouds.

I went to the little park at the end of the road, and swung on the swings.  I’ve never seen anybody ever use that playground or swing on those swings.  I’ve seen kids at the baseball field next to it, but never on the playground.  It’s not in a readily accessible location.  Most people have to drive a car to get there.  It’s not a playground surrounded by houses that kids can walk from. 

But I walked there and I used the swings.  I untwisted the chain so it was loose and flexible – I had to flip the seat of the swing over and over a few times until the links of the chain were mostly in a straight line.  Then when I swung I spun around and around, pulling my feet in or sticking them out to control the spin, like an ice skater.  I swung so high that I hit zero gravity and fell back down, with my stomach and everything inside me floating up.  It gave me a weird tickly feeling that was sort of pleasant and sort of unpleasant, and I couldn’t tolerate doing that for very long.  Then I left the swings and walked all the way back home.  It was all uphill this time.   

I’m starting to accept that I’m moving out of this apartment and that I’m probably going to spend more of my time in the State College area.  I don’t know exactly where I’ll be parking my car or which ‘territory’ will be ‘mine.’  I don’t know where I’ll eat or sleep.  Ever since the trespassing-on-Rockview incident, I’ve been paying attention to property ownership.  I notice government buildings, and I notice the land around them.  Most of them will be more easygoing about it than Rockview was – if it’s not a prison, they are less likely to care if I am walking near the building.  However, I mostly want to avoid government buildings and government property of any kind while walking.  But that’s not really possible, as they pretty much own all the undeveloped land.  If it’s undeveloped, it’s most likely government land.  So I will use my judgment about where to walk.

Today I moved a bunch of stuff into storage.  I moved my desktop PC and all its parts.  There isn’t a lot of stuff left, but yet, it IS still a lot of stuff.  It’s the kind of stuff that requires a judgment call and some foresight.  Will I need this object while I’m living in my car?  Can I pack it in the storage unit?  Do I use it frequently enough that I must keep it out and put it directly in the car instead of the storage unit?  Do I need to keep using it until the day that I really leave?  The rest of my stuff, the stuff that obviously isn’t urgently needed, has been mostly packed and put away. 

This is going to be a sort of sloppy and messy unplanned move.  I am not prepared to live in my car, but I’m going to do it anyway.  There will be a few days or weeks of major inconvenience, for instance, taking a ‘bath’ in the sink in a public restroom, for instance.  At least I know of a couple gas stations that have closed, single-person restrooms where I can go in there and lock the door. 

I won’t have a refrigerator, and I also have what seems to be a small stomach, or a sensitive stomach that is easily irritated, because for the past few years, ever since my severe unexplained digestive problem in about 1999, I haven’t been able to eat very large meals in one sitting.  I can only eat relatively small meals.  That sucks when you can’t put the rest in the fridge.  I can never eat an entire serving of anything I buy at a restaurant.  I usually can’t even eat a quarter-pounder sized burger all at once.  So I don’t know what I will do with leftover food yet.  In the beginning, I will be using a styrofoam ice chest, the kind of thing you take on a picnic, but that can only hold food for a couple hours.  I saw small fridges online, fridges that can run on batteries or something, but they are expensive and I won’t be buying anything expensive for now, as the goal is to save money and fix the car.  Eventually I will look into that kind of thing again though. 

So I went to Spring Creek park after I put the PC and other stuff in storage.  I was soaked with sweat and I wanted to go in the water.  I decided to go wading in the creek.  I went to Millbrook Marsh and climbed down into the creek.  According to the signs, this was Slab Cabin Run. 

I saw lots of minnows, and I wanted to catch them with a net and eat them.  Then I saw lots of brown trout, too.  I was reading the signs, and they explained that the brown trout are a non-native fish that survived better than the native brook trout when the streams were filled with sediment and when the water became too warm, in the past when this area temporarily had all the trees cut down and the soil went into the creeks.  But I wanted to see the native brook trout, too.  Are they completely gone?

I want to eat them, and then I want to replace them in the streams.  I would do a fish hatchery of some kind.  I want my whole tribe to eat them without using them all up. 

I waded through water that was up to my elbows.  I waded through water as shallow as the tops of my feet.  I saw three or four creatures that were either beavers or muskrats.  Some animal made a strange croak that scared me, from within a bunch of very tall grass, and it sounded kind of like a bullfrog, and I was hoping that’s all that it was – but then, suddenly, a blue heron flew up and away.  Blue herons are beautiful, and huge.  They are also extremely shy and they fly away when you approach.  I’ve seen one at the duckpond, years ago, and it would fly away even if I was walking all the way on the opposite side of the pond. 

I waded through the creek and went all the way to where the creek crosses under College Avenue, right next to a… government building. 

I was anxious that some goody-two-shoes government employee might see me through the window and shout, ‘Hey! You’re not allowed to walk there!  That’s a nature preserve!’  I started to imagine my counter-arguments.  Do they forbid bears and deer to wade in the stream?  (Hopefully, there aren’t any bears in that area though.)  Am I cutting down trees?  Damming up the stream?  Throwing pollution into it?  But in these imaginary arguments, I never manage to convince the other person that I’m right and they’re wrong.  They always start waving their fists at me angrily and running down the steps and out the door to try to arrest me.  So I started imagining myself diving into the bushes and running away through the woods where the goody-two-shoes government employees wouldn’t go.  However, I am very recognizable – I’m the lady with the dreadlocks, and there aren’t very many of those.  So they could accidentally run into me at McDonald’s and say, ‘Hey!  You’re the person who was trespassing in Millbrook Marsh!  Arrest her!’  So I wondered if it would be possible for them to charge me with a crime when I was no longer at the scene of the crime.  I would be merely a ‘suspect’ rather than someone they were absolutely sure was there. 

After all that imagining, I realized that it was after five o’clock in the evening, and most likely, all of the people in that building would have gone home.  So, nothing actually happened, and I got up on the bike path when I reached the tunnel that goes under College Avenue.  I walked back to my car at Spring Creek Park. 

I fantasized about inviting other people to come along with me, to join me in the real world, to stop paying rent, to stop paying for food, to stop using electricity, to stop watching television, to live outdoors, to grow our hair long, to live at the edges of society but still trade with them and read their books and use their internet, to stay close and to not completely leave, but to become more and more self-reliant and less reliant on the ‘domesticated’ way of life.  I’ll look for other people with these interests when I’m ready, and I hope that’s very soon.

About drugs that go through the skin

July 20, 2011

I wanted to write another post about this subject because I’ve been handling some of my contaminated belongings, and I’m having a reaction right now. 

People who use prescription drugs or herbal drugs usually do not know that many drugs can go through the skin.  People who grow herbal drugs in and around their houses are at risk of contaminating their belongings with the oils from these plants.  The danger is greatest when you are handling fresh growing herbs and their seeds.  Dried, processed herbs do not have as much of the drug-containing oils in them as the fresh plants do.  

Some drugs are known to go through the skin, and drug companies have manufactured products that use this ability.  For instance, nicotine goes through the skin, and there are nicotine patches available for people who want to stop smoking.  There are also St. John’s Wort patches available at some stores that sell medicinal herbs. 

Not all drugs go through the skin easily, or perhaps, if they do, the reactions they cause are mild.  Other drugs go through the skin quickly and can cause a severe reaction about five minutes after you touch the drug – for instance, the seeds of the ephedra plant are covered with enough ephedrine to cause extremely dangerous reactions even if you only handle the seeds and do not eat any part of the plant. 

The reactions are not limited to the place where the drug touched the skin.  Many people are familiar with skin reactions to poison ivy or poison oak.  Those plants cause irritation on the surface of the skin at the place where the oils touched the skin.  Any other effects elsewhere in the body are not very noticeable, although there may indeed be effects.  But other drugs pass into the bloodstream and are carried around the entire body.  Many people believe that if something touches the skin, it might only cause a reaction at the place where it touched, and they are not aware that the substance is being absorbed into the skin and into the blood vessels and being carried around the entire body.

This also occurs with other substances put on the skin, such as soap, shampoo, lotions, medicines, dyes in clothing, laundry detergent, and even the water in the shower.  It is possible that some fluoride is absorbed through the skin when people take showers in areas that have fluoridated water, even if they only drink bottled water to avoid the fluoride. Other contaminants in water might go through the skin and also might be inhaled while a person is showering. But many people do not think of this possibility when they live in a place with poor quality water, or fluoridated water, that they do not want to drink.   

Extremely low dosages of some drugs are able to cause intense reactions.  Many drugs are like hormones in that respect.  Hormones are described as chemicals that cause potent reactions in many parts of the body even at very low levels.

Homeopathic doctors dilute substances with very large amounts of water. They usually claim that there is ‘nothing left’ of the original substances after the dilution; however, there are probably very small quantities left in the water.  Homeopathic medicine might actually work because people react to extremely small dosages of drugs.  The practice of homeopathic medicine might be taken as more evidence that only a few molecules are required to cause reactions. 

Some transdermal (through-skin) drugs are similar to perfumes or odors when they get into clothing:  they are very hard to wash out.  Just as some odors linger in clothing even after several washes, and just as some substances leave a colored stain on clothing that does not wash out, these drugs can become attached to clothing permanently.  However, because they are not visible, most people do not know they are there.  If you have experienced transdermal drug reactions before, then you become familiar with the sensations they cause, and you can often tell when laundry is contaminated with drug residues, even though you cannot see them.  Extremely small quantities of these drugs are released slowly from the clothing while you are wearing it, and because their effects are potent even at low levels, contaminated laundry can become very disturbing and uncomfortable and can cause severe mood swings and other health problems as your body reacts to the drugs. 

‘Secondhand drugs’ can get into your clothing as well.  If you take a prescription drug in the form of a pill, your skin excretes low levels of that drug in the oils and sweat all over your body.  These waste products contaminate your laundry, your furniture, and your belongings.  The drug residues can then touch the skin of other people who share your clothing, enter your home, or use your belongings, which will cause them to have a reaction.  Most people do not know that they are having reactions to invisible drug residues on the surfaces that they touch, and so they describe themselves as having ‘unexplained mood swings.’  They can only observe that they have extreme mood changes and random health problems from day to day without knowing what is triggering them.  Transdermal drug residues and secondhand drugs are often a cause that very few people are aware of.

It is not only drugs that go through the skin.  Heavy metals such as lead can go through the skin if you touch objects made of lead or lead paint, for instance.  Some other chemicals go through the skin.  Heavy metals can even be in the soil in places like orchards where lead arsenic pesticides were used many years ago, and these can go through the skin of the feet if you walk barefoot in those areas or handle the soil.  There are many other ways that chemicals can be absorbed through the skin.

This information is useful for people who are trying to quit smoking.  Some people find that it’s easier to quit smoking if they temporarily leave home and stay someplace else.  This might not just be because of ‘breaking a habit,’ but because the objects in their home are covered with tobacco smoke, which goes through the skin and causes people to repeatedly ‘use’ tobacco.  This causes cycles of use and withdrawal even when the person is not smoking.  Every exposure to tobacco will cause withdrawal symptoms to occur several hours later, and that makes the cravings keep coming back.  It is probably much easier to quit smoking if you are living in a clean location and wearing fresh clothing that has never been exposed to smoke or tobacco in any form.

This is all based on my personal experiences, and I would like to demonstrate it in a laboratory test someday so that it will be recognized as a real phenomenon.

talking to my LSE neighbor; saw Steve Earle with balding mullet on magazine; Harry Potter hasn’t ended

July 18, 2011

This is just a quick blog, not a long one.  I’m using, strangely enough, my netbook, at home, on my neighbor’s wi-fi.  I was talking to the guy next door, and I told him I’m leaving, and going to live in my car, and that I’m disconnected from the net.  He was nice enough to let me use his wi-fi.  It comes up through my floor.  He set it up so that I’m not typing in a password and I don’t know what the password is.  I have guessed his personality type to be LSE, my mirror in the delta quadra.  I felt so sure of it that I wanted to tell him that’s what I thought he was, and I wanted to tell him about socionics.  But I didn’t tell him that yet.  I might, though, before I leave.  I had a feeling of trust and cameraderie with him, and it’s unusual for me to feel so comfortable with someone I hardly know.  All we need is for one of us to have a dual or an activator join us in the conversation, and we’ll have a great time. 

I was at the grocery store today, and I saw a magazine called ‘Acoustic Guitar.’  Steve Earle was on the front of it.  He is wearing his hair in the ‘bearded natural mullet’ style that I have written about before – you grow your hair long even though you are going bald.  I am an advocate of this hairstyle, and Steve Earle has done a great job with it.  I do not believe that people should cut their hair when they go bald.  If they do, that makes the world a worse place for everybody – it encourages everyone else to cut their hair too, out of fear that they might someday go bald and lose their long hair.  Going bald with long hair is believed to be the worst case scenario of all hairstyles, but I personally love long hair even when it is balding on top.  This is not a joke, it is sincere.  I won’t attach any photos of him here because it’s hard to do on this computer when I don’t have a mouse hooked up and the search engine is automatically set to ‘Bing’ instead of Google and I haven’t customized everything yet and I barely ever use this netbook.  It’s a pain.  You can just google him to see what he looks like.

I went to see Harry Potter a couple days ago and will soon see it again.  I saw some bloggers who’ve written that the end of Harry Potter is like the end of their childhood.  I disagree with this.  I myself am still hearing voices – nothing has changed.  I am still a targeted individual being harassed by unknown, invisible people pushing buttons on high-tech energy weapons from somewhere far away.  The ‘evil magic’ is still here and it is real.  ‘Voldemort’ is still really out there and needs to be defeated.  ‘Wizards and witches’ still need to be trained to use their ‘magic.’  The school system still sucks, and we still need a REAL teacher to show us how to do things that are actually useful.  We still live in a culture that separates people from each other instead of giving them a feeling of community.  All of those things are still true. 

Harry Potter shows people a world where people are all together in one place, a close community, learning things together, and we still need that in the real world.  I already felt that way after I graduated from school, and after I dropped out of college – I already was aware that the world doesn’t give you any kind of community anymore once you leave school.  You don’t get to go someplace and all eat together in one big group in the dining hall, or sit together in a classroom learning things.  All you have is your job.  If you’re not religious, then you don’t want to go to church.  There are some group activities but they’re nothing like school used to be.  All of that is still true, even though Harry Potter has ended.  Whatever Harry Potter represents to us, whatever needs it fulfilled for us, those needs are all still real.  So if you feel a sense of grief and loss now that it’s over, think again.  That’s just a sign that you need to do something in the real world to meet those same needs.  Nothing is over.

I am now on my two week vacation.  I will be moving out of this apartment, while also running out of money really badly.  When I was hearing voices last night, they suggested that I put a ‘donation box’ on my blog and ask people to send money to me.  But I have a couple sources of money that I can use.  Recently, ‘they’ have been doing something that I like:  when I think of the future, knowing that I have to find the money ‘somehow,’ they ask me for more details about exactly how I might get the money.  It makes me feel less anxious about the future.  I have to be more specific about where the money will come from.  This is not the same as somebody freaking out and getting all upset and emotional and screaming at me about how I’m not thinking about the future enough, somebody acting like this is the end of the world.  Instead it is simply a calm, logical voice asking for more details so that I can plan ahead and know what I’m doing. 

So anyway, my neighbor and I already trust each other even though we’ve only had a couple of brief conversations.  We already talk to each other easily and comfortably.  It’s true that I can’t tell him EVERYTHING – I don’t want to get into the long story of the drug residues, and I haven’t told him that I’m being attacked by energy weapons.  I didn’t go into detail about how much it means to me, the challenge of living in my car, but I did actually express that feeling of challenge and I told him it was something I’ve wanted to do for a long time.  I explained that I’m doing this because I want to, and not merely because I have to. 

Living in my car is actually a step towards further changes in my lifestyle.  I keep telling everyone that it’s only temporary, but actually, I intend this to be a serious change in my life.  I want to find ways to make it more permanent.  And I’ve been talking to my coworker and taking him very seriously when he talks about his motorized bicycle and other similar things he’s doing.  I will probably do something similar very soon.  I don’t want to waste any more of my life throwing money away to pay rent and property taxes and expensive gasoline, when I believe that the entire economic system is all wrong, and the government is all wrong, and the money system is all wrong, and I don’t want to be part of it anymore.  My lifetime is too valuable to waste it that way.  And this, again, is part of the ‘Harry Potter isn’t over’ theme.  It’s still going on and on.  There still is a need for an ‘underground society’ or ‘secret society’ of people who live their lives in a drastically different way than the mainstream ‘Muggles’ who don’t know about them. 

I had an incident yesterday – a customer at McDonald’s made eye contact with me while I was at the part of the table where you put the meat on the sandwich and wrap it.  He was an interesting looking person, and I wondered if he was a delta NF – that was my quick-guess visual identification.  I have no way to verify whether these quick guesses are correct or not, but they are something that I do for my own entertainment.  We made eye contact once, and then I looked back down to make the sandwiches, and then we made eye contact again.  Suddenly I fumbled the tongs that I was holding and nearly dropped them on the floor.  When I looked back up the guy was grinning. 

I had an ‘interpretation’ of the incident which came from the voices.  Their interpretation was that this guy was ‘using magic’ with me and caused me to fumble the tongs I was holding.  Supposedly he had seen me at the Harry Potter movie.  In this fantasy, we were both secretly wizards and we just didn’t have wands, but could do a little bit of magic without them, just like in the books. 

I, however, interpret all of these events to be puppet incidents involving energy weapons, not magic.  Unlike some other targeted individuals on the net, I do not believe that all of the people I encounter every day are members of gangs, people who knowingly and deliberately attack in broad daylight.  Instead, when I have any kind of ‘encounter’ with anybody, I interpret that person as being an innocent puppet who does not understand what’s happening any better than I do, someone who is NOT pushing a button on a device or doing anything to me themselves. Instead, we are both puppets who are being manipulated by a third party somewhere else.  That is how I interpreted the McDonald’s Magic incident. 

And yet I still feel that feeling of cameraderie and belief in magic, which I have felt ever since my childhood.  I was always interested in magic and fantasy, and I always had a feeling that the world had something hidden in it which was secret from the mainstream society.  Ever since I learned about energy weapons, I have wanted to reconcile that belief in magic with a belief in technology.  Both of them are non-mainstream and unknown to most people.  There are feelings that I cannot feel anymore as a result of being constantly zapped – I cannot feel the ‘mysterious mystical’ feeling, which is probably associated with my tempus function, Ni, introverted intuition. 

And I love Gulenko’s names for the functions and I’m still learning to use those names, but unfortunately, nobody in the forum uses those names, so I won’t be able to ‘say them out loud’ in interactions with other people, but must instead use them here in my blog.  They have some benefits and drawbacks, and apparently they haven’t caught on yet. Factor, Intueor, Emoveo, Profiteor, Sensus, Tempus, Relatio, Lex.  I was thinking of ways to make them more convenient to use and more memorable.  For instance, you could capitalize the introverted functions, and lowercase the extraverted functions, so that you would write out someone’s mental block as SpTe (Sensus profiteor Tempus emoveo).  I don’t want to capitalize the extraverted functions, because the letter I in Intueor looks like the lowercase L in Lex.  So it’s better to capitalize Lex, an introverted function, and to lowercase intueor, an extraverted function.  You do this to make it easier to see which functions are introverted or extraverted, so that you can alternate them when you construct someone’s functions.  Most people are using the letters Si, Se, Fi, Fe, and so on.  Those have a lot of advantages, and I won’t get into it all right now.  I want to somehow make it easier to use Gulenko’s function names, and mimic some of the advantages of the SiTeNiFe etc. method of writing functions.  You won’t be able to easily remember that F (factor) is connected to S (sensus), or E (emoveo) is connected to R (relatio) the way you can when you use Se/Si, Fe/Fi and so on.  You can’t see that those functions are the ‘flip side’ of each other or ‘two sides of the same coin.’  When you are strong at one, you are also strong at the other.  This is something you have to know in order to type people, because all NFs will seem to have similar abilities – all of them can do both types of N and both types of F, and it’s hard to tell if someone is a delta NF or a beta NF (for example).  With Gulenko’s letters, you don’t have a way to merely say ‘they’re an NF.’  You have to be too specific and say ‘they’re an iR or a Te or whatever.’  It’s helpful to have a more general category such as NF, NT, SF, and ST when you don’t know someone’s type for sure.  There is a stage in guessing someone’s type when you only know the most general category that they might be in, and Gulenko’s letters don’t have a way to express that general category.  So I love his letters and function names because they are much more meaningful than ‘introverted sensing’ and ‘extraverted sensing’ and that kind of thing, but they are also too specific.  Here I said I wasn’t going to get into it, but I did.

I’m going to just publish this now.  This turned out to be a long blog anyway. I wasn’t supposed to be using the internet at home anymore!  But in two weeks, I will be living in my car.

I went to the real arts fest today

July 15, 2011

Oh, and one more thing: I had always seen the signs on the highway that said you were driving through Rockview property, but I never put the pieces together to understand that all of the “wasteland” area was theirs. I couldn’t imagine that they owned that much land and left it just sitting there.

I just walked through the arts fest today. I didn’t buy anything. I just thought about how high of a price you have to charge to make something profitable when it costs a lot to rent a booth at the festival and you might sell only a couple of items. I need to go get ready for work now. I wrote the previous blog yesterday and posted it today.

It’s frustrating to see arts and crafts, or listen to music, and yet never, ever find the spirit that I want to see expressed. Apparently, I’m the only one who can do it. Apparently I’m the only one who knows that particular spirit and is capable of expressing it.

Accidentally trespassing on prison property while wearing mud all over my face

July 15, 2011

So I never wrote about the Rockview incident yet. Last week I went walking down one of the trails that leads out of Fisherman’s Paradise. I already had a sunburn on my face from being outside the day before. I was out in the sun again and the sunburn started to burn again.

So I went down to the creek and I got a handful of mud and dabbed the mud onto my face. Then I smeared it all over my arms too. I had been bitten by a mosquito earlier, and for a while now I’ve been thinking that mud should be used as bug repellant. So I used it as both a bug repellant and a sunblock.

The sunblock worked well. Why should anyone buy that zinc oxide stuff, when you can use silty mud? I understand why someone would use sunscreen if they wanted the lotion to be invisible on the skin, but if you use that white stuff, then it’s visible, so you might as well use a commonly available and probably less toxic substance, mud, for free. I actually don’t use any kind of sunscreen anymore. Back in college, I used it, but it irritated my face so badly that I seemed to be burned WORSE after using it! Then I learned that I have reactions to lotions that go through the skin. I just gave up on using it and never bothered with it again.

But I was happy to use mud. It worked very well. My face became cool and the burn stopped hurting and did not get any worse. I also didn’t get bitten by any more mosquitoes.

I walked a long way that day, exploring the path. I saw signs on the side of the path that said “no trespassing” and things like that, but I assumed that they referred to the land on the side of the path, and not the path itself. So I kept walking. Eventually I came to a gate with a stop sign on it. However, I assumed that only referred to motor vehicle traffic, and not to pedestrians. Why would I assume that? Because there were actually a bunch of similar gates along the path, although they did not have stop signs, and around the sides of each of these gates, there were well-worn walking paths. Those walking paths just went around each gate as though it was commonly accepted for large numbers of people to ignore the gates and walk around the sides of them. So I did too. This gate did not have a convenient, well worn path around it, but I just applied the rule from all the other gates in the area. It was only a stop sign. I don’t recall what else the sign said – it might have had other warnings on it.

So then I went down a path that I hadn’t ever completely gone down before. I had walked a short way down it once and them turned around. This time I kept walking. I came to some abandoned buildings full of junk. One of them was full of bags labeled “danger : asbestos fiber” and I did not go into that building! I could see the bags as I stood outside the building.

I had seen strange structures here and there, things that seemed partly finished or very old and abandoned, things that seemed mysterious and had no use. I often wondered about them – who put these things here and why? There were piles of wire, like chicken wire fencing, and something like PVC pipes, and something that looked like a target practice area, and an obstacle course kind of thing. There were several small buildings too, here and there. I wondered about all of it.

For many years, I’ve driven my car along route 220 from State College to Bellefonte. I’ve always noticed that there is this large area of wasteland that is not being used profitably, and I always wondered why. This land is so expensive, and it’s always used for farming if it’s not a big mowed lawn around a mansion. This was wasteland, with the trees cut down, and empty fields growing sometimes weeds and sometimes these sick looking crops that never seemed to grow very well.

I finally found out who owned all that land and all the strange structures, and why it seemed like it was being used in a pointless, goalless, unprofitable way, with every project looking halfhearted and half abandoned.

I went down this path and saw what looked like a farm, with silos and barns. I decided I would just walk down this path until it reached the road, and I would simply apologize to whoever it was that owned the farm. I would just say I had been exploring the path.

However, then I saw two guys walking down the path from the farm towards me, and they looked like cops or guards. I had seen signs that said “Rockview,” but again, I hadn’t been sure which areas the signs referred to. I thought it could have been referring to particular parts of the woods on the sides of the path, that was all.

So my face is covered in brown mud, and suddenly I’m rather embarrassed about this, but there’s nothing I can do. I just kept walking towards the two men, because I knew by now that they would not want me to just turn my back and walk away from them. I called out “Is this part of Rockview?” when they got close enough to hear me.

They said it was. Then they told me that I couldn’t walk any further. They explained that I was deep into Rockview property, and I had been for quite some time, in order to get here. They said that usually if they found people walking on the path, in the woods, they would just tell them to leave. But I was too close to the farm. They didn’t want me wandering around out here.

I guessed that at least one of the two men seemed to be an ESI. The other one might also have been ESI. They were pleasant and friendly, but anxious and surprised to see me there. And they said that the mud made me look like I was wearing camouflage. I explained it was only mud from the stream, for my sunburn, and for mosquito repellant. But I’m sure I looked like a “terrorist” or somebody who sneaks around and blows stuff up. I also happened to be wearing a green shirt with brown pants, so my whole outfit was kind of camouflaged. Once they understood that I was just a clueless moron wandering around from Fisherman’s Paradise, they were okay about it. I knew that now was the appropriate moment to clearly indicate that I was nothing but a clueless bumbling moron, and not a threat.

So I had to sit and wait while they called the head of security on the phone, and then wait again for a cop car to arrive to take me home, as they did not want me to walk back out again. There were prisoners working on the farm, they said, and I shouldn’t be around them – I could get hurt or raped or something. They said they also often had prisoners working out on the path. I suddenly understood. I had seen two people, one of whom was using a bulldozer to move cut down trees from one place to another, and I had waved hello at them and just walked on past. It all made sense. That was why they had all these half-abandoned, pointless, “make-work,” unprofitable projects and structures out there that nobody seemed to be using. It all belonged to the prison.

Something happened which might have been a psychotronic attack. I was sitting down while one of the ESI guards stood there, waiting and occasionally chatting with me, when suddenly I felt this unpleasant, sick sensation of being violated. I noticed the sensation and then heard a voice in my head that said “just relax,” and I observed the sensation. I felt as though I was in terrible, terrible danger of being raped, as though that guard there was going to do it himself while we stood here. But I did not believe the sensation. I observed it. I wondered if it was a psyhotronic attack, or if it was a fear smell that came from the guard. I then concluded that the guard was upset because he was thinking he might have shot me, but didn’t. They had been unnerved enough by my strangeness, by the “camouflage” on my face, and by my being there where I didn’t belong, that they might have shot me. That was an interpretation that “they” put into my head, the voices.

When the cop car arrived, I knew within a couple seconds that the cop was an LSI. His attitude and tone of voice were completely different from the two ESI guards’ voices, and I immediately, instinctively labeled him “prick” and “asshole,” and I recalled every medical doctor who I’ve ever disliked. He was the most dangerous threat to me, because it was unlikely that we would like each other, and he might insist on strictly following rules, and he might give me a citation for trespassing. I had to get handcuffed to get into the cop car. He drove me back to my car at Fisherman’s Paradise. We chatted a little, and I explained for the third time why my face was covered in mud.

When I got out, I said “Sorry for all the trouble,” and I had made sure to say several times to various people that “I know it sounds really stupid, but…”and “I feel like an idiot,” and that kind of thing. I had to call myself “stupid” a couple times to make sure everyone knew it was an accident and that I was not there to threaten anyone. This LSI cop responded positively to my apology, suddenly warming up to me, and said it was okay, he was just doing his job. He let me go with only a verbal warning not to do it again. Then he mentioned that he was friends with one of my coworkers (as they had asked me where I worked) and told me to say hi to her. I wondered if I really wanted to mention this story to her… But yeah, I did. The LSI cop was one of those people in the beta quadra (socionics) who had his own circle of friends, and was loved among them, but to me, he would always be someone who I didn’t like much. That’s how it is. But he wasn’t as strict as he could have been. However, I had this feeling that he could be, and I was lucky that he decided not to take the situation too seriously. With the previous three people I had spoken with, I never felt as though they wanted to give me a citation or whatever.

I was really glad that he didn’t decide to “strictly enforce the rules,” but it could have happened. It’s scary that someone who has power over my life happens to be a socionic type that I don’t communicate well with. I can’t make myself start crying at will, for instance, or do any of the other things women do to appease the cops. That’s not me. The most I could do was a tiny bit of emoveo, “I’m stupid, I feel like an idiot,” and so on.

I have to go to work now so I can’t write much more. But that ruined that part of Fisherman’s Paradise for me, and I won’t walk down that path again. I need better places to walk.

Cleaning up; accidentally went to Children’s Arts Festival in State College

July 13, 2011

I’ve been having severe fatigue.  It’s been so bad that I decided I had to do a decontamination today.  So I changed the washcloth and the towel in the bathroom and used totally new ones, and I also cleaned out the bottom of the bathtub.  Then I went to Goodwill and got a couple of items of new clothing so that I can quickly have something clean to wear.  I instantly felt better after showering in the clean bathtub and using the clean washcloth.  I’ve been handling a lot of things with drug residues and other residues on them as I’ve been moving my stuff into storage, and I spread some of the residues around onto clothing that was supposed to be kept clean, so I had nothing left to wear, and I was getting exhausted every day, wiping the residues all over myself with the dirty washcloth and then putting on dirty clothes.

On the way to Goodwill, I saw that State College was full of people, and I realized that the Arts Fest was still going on, and I had forgotten to go walk through it.  I had meant to do it a couple days ago but never did.  So, after I finished shopping at Goodwill, I parked the car in town and started walking.  Very quickly I saw that the booths were full of children’s arts and crafts, not the ‘adult’ arts and crafts that I was expecting.  I walked through the whole thing, and it was all children’s.

There’s nothing wrong with that, it just wasn’t what I was expecting.  The ‘real’ arts fest was over several days ago.

I was glad to see so many children, because I’ve been noticing lately that children never play outside anymore.  They’re never visible.  They never actually PLAY OUTDOORS.  Not here, anyway.

A woman was carrying a little boy on her hip.  He might have been about two years old. This is the way that I believe children should be carried, not in a stroller. The child looked secure and trusting.  This woman was walking in front of me. The little boy turned his head, looked into my eyes, and said ‘Hi.’  I smiled, said ‘hi’ back very quietly, continued walking past her, and burst into tears.  I only cried a tiny bit.  The feeling of grief went on for a whole minute.

Seeing the children’s art brought back my own feelings of frustration with art.  I had often wanted to make and sell art, but I always had the feeling that the world doesn’t really want to pay for yet another homemade beaded necklace or bracelet.  There were hundreds and hundreds of homemade jewelry items.  I didn’t want to buy something ‘just to be nice to the kids.’

I started thinking of homemade items that I could sell at a crafts fair.  Because I’ve been learning about socionics lately, I looked at it from a ‘sensus profiteor’ point of view.  The crafted item must be useful and practical.  It would be some kind of a tool with a purpose.  I never buy ‘art’ just because it’s pretty.  I like to buy things that are useful.

So I imagined making electronic items out of wood.  I would make wooden cell phones, wooden computers, wooden laptops, wooden calculators, and other things.  Of course, if I were making a computer, I would want to program it myself with its own operating system, so they would be limited-purpose small computers designed for doing only one or two things.  And the semiconductors and stuff inside wouldn’t be made of wood, obviously, just the external case.

Last night I was thinking about pricing. I was calculating just how much it costs to make and sell a durable good that sits in inventory a long time before it sells.  The price has to be very, very high.  If you want to use the income to produce another object, then you have to charge slightly more than twice what it cost you to produce it.  If it cost me $100 to produce something, then I have to sell it for slightly more than $200.  That way, I will get back the $100 it cost, plus I will have $100 more to produce another one, plus a small profit on top of that.  (This is a non-debt business model!!!  The debt-based businesses are totally different from this.)

A debt-based business isn’t really ‘totally different.’  But it is somewhat different.  You have a longer time during which to screw up, mess around, waste money, sell products and services at unsustainably low prices (thereby underpricing all the local mom-and-pop businesses and shutting them down), and have office parties with all of your employees before you go bankrupt and shut down your business, leaving an empty town that now cannot buy any products from you OR the small local businesses that you destroyed.

The only reason that I’m saying all of this extremely basic obvious stuff is because there are some people out there who are horrified at the idea that you might sell something at a price which is several multiples of what it cost you to produce.  They say ‘Oh my god! Look at that profit! They’re millionaires!  They’re evil!’  Meanwhile, in reality, that business might be barely scraping by, or on the verge of bankruptcy.

I have an extremely pessimistic view of debt-based businesses, but in reality, if you know what you’re doing, then technically it’s possible to start a business with debt, and survive.  But don’t be surprised if you go several years without making any profits.  To some extent, in the beginning, the money has to come out of your own pocket, and you can’t quit your day job.

Anyway, so I was fantasizing about making wooden electronic gadgets that would run on my extremely simple operating system.  The whole theme of the devices would be simplicity, quality, convenience, ease of use, effectiveness, and being bug-free. There would not be tons and tons of complicated features that only a tiny percentage of people need, all in one computer.  Instead, you would buy a very specific, limited device that could only do a few very restricted activities.  Like a calculator:  it doesn’t play video games, it doesn’t play multimedia files, it doesn’t surf the net – it just calculates numbers.  The cell phones would do nothing but make phone calls, that’s all!

Oh, I did think of something having to do with Peak Oil.  The price of oil is determined by many factors beyond just ‘supply and demand.’  The ‘supply and demand determines the price’ fallacy misleads people into believing that if the price is rising, we must really have a shortage or less of something.  Supply and demand are only one small factor among many other factors.  The word ‘factor’ is Gulenko’s word for Se, extraverted sensing.  It is a force that moves something else.  There are many such forces influencing prices.

People mistakenly believe that if the price of something goes up, people stop buying it, which causes the price to then go back down or stay at that level without going higher.  Rick mentioned this when he said that the peak oil people had predicted that the price of oil would go up and down.  I knew there was something wrong with that.  That is their ‘covering their asses’ maneuver.  If peak oil were real, you would expect the price to just keep going up and up and up without stopping.  It would go up faster and faster.  But instead, the price fluctuates in a somewhat random way, sometimes going up for a while, then suddenly crashing, then going up a little more and down again.  ‘Supply and demand’ isn’t what’s causing all those price changes.  I’ve been trying to find this idea for a while – it is something I’ve been trying to articulate in my argument against peak oil.  The peak oil people are covering their asses by saying, ‘Yes, yes, I predicted that the price of oil would go up and down in a random, unpredictable way.’  My response is, No you didn’t – you predicted that it’s going up and up forever!

While I was thinking about this, I realized that I could not argue about it with Rick, because Rick is ‘just the messenger.’  He picked up this fallacious idea from someone else.  I have to go straight to the source and debate with the hardcore peak oilers who are truly responsible for these ideas.  They would be able to articulate responses to my counterarguments better than Rick would be able to do.

I went to the forum during an attack of mania which, by the way, was probably caused by the puppeteers on purpose.  I remember what caused the attack.  They made a drug-using co-worker borrow my sweatshirt, and I became manic every time I wore the sweatshirt thereafter, for weeks and weeks, until ‘they’ finally accomplished their purpose (destroy Nicole and Rick’s relationship) and told me that the sweatshirt was contaminated and that I must stop wearing it.  I know nobody would believe me about this – it’s totally ‘Adjustment Bureau’ – but I have indeed been repeatedly manipulated in exactly this way for years and years as they control and destroy my relationships.

That mania was the reason why I originally decided to attack Rick in the forum and debate Peak Oil with him.  But I still continued to be interested in peak oil afterwards.  I noticed one forum post where he listed three scenarios: 1. there are no limits at all on oil production (and he commented, ‘if you believe that, then I just don’t know what to say :)) 2. there is a limit, but it’s farther in the future 3. there is a limit, but running out of oil won’t have much impact on society because of X.  I wanted to add a fourth scenario: 4. We will stop using oil before it’s even all gone, because we will make a substitute.  There are other logical possibilities too.

He’s actually not at home right now – he goes away traveling and hiking for the entire summer.  This is what you can do when you are able to earn a lot of money and save a lot of money all year long.  He has an inexpensive lifestyle most of the year.  The rent is relatively low where he is.  I won’t get into the envy thing right now because I’m running out of time online, but basically, I wish that I had had better schooling at an earlier age, and I wish I had never gotten a dental filling which made me go crazy during my teenage years, and I wish that I had not been constantly surrounded by pesticides during that same time period, because all those years were wasted, I didn’t learn anything worthwhile in school, and I grew up and began floundering as an adult, which I am continuing to do now, as I have no skills that people will pay for, other than my ability to cook and clean.  All the rules that I’ve made up since then, all of the ‘do this, don’t do that’ rules, are designed to protect young people against wasting their lives the way I have.  If all those things had been done with me, I would be healthy and well educated today and I would be somewhere else making more money.

I’m at the library and I have to disconnect soon…

Anyway, there are some things that I could have prevented in my life if I had known about them beforehand, such as dental fillings and poisoning by pesticides.  But I could not have prevented myself from being attacked by the murderers who are surveilling and harassing and stalking me constantly and interfering with my sleep and all of my thought processes all day long.  That is something that I do not have control over, and neither do the government or the police, as some of it probably comes from within the government/police itself, or their mafia buddies who are allowed to continue doing what they’re doing.  Being attacked wasn’t preventable.  That is the main reason why I have stagnated and been unable to succeed during my thirties – I simply can’t sleep at night and can’t think or make any clear decisions.

Still… in a few weeks, I will be living in my car.  I will make some changes in my lifestyle at that time and won’t be paying rent anymore.  After I’ve saved enough money to do the things I need to do, such as fixing my car, then I will be able to work fewer hours at work, and work longer hours at home projects, such as learning bookkeeping and looking for work as a bookkeeper once again (I had to abandon that project temporarily).  I have been planning and planning what I will do as soon as I’m out of this apartment, deciding when I will work on which particular project, when I will cut back work hours, and so on.  I’m always eager to start doing things right now that I’m not ready to do yet.  (I disconnected and reconnected, so I’m going to write for a couple more minutes).  For instance I accidentally got jealous when a co-worker (who is in the ‘just a friend’ category) was flirting with another co-worker.  I couldn’t help being jealous.  It made me feel a much greater urgency to do the project of looking for my own boyfriend so that I would not have to keep being jealous of people.  But I am not yet ready to be looking for a boyfriend.  Any attempts to do so will fail at this time.  I am concerned with nothing but getting out of this apartment.

Anyway I will disconnect now.

“Insidious,” the movie; haven’t written about electronic harassment in a while

July 12, 2011

I just went to see the movie “Insidious” at the dollar theater. I really got into it and was very scared and full of suspense. The ending of the movie actually matches my own experiences in a way and is satisfying in that respect. I don’t want to ruin the ending for anyone, but I will say that in my own life, the harassment problem is not easy to solve, and it keeps on going even after you’ve tried to fix it.

I liked the ghostbuster guys. They were comic relief. Everything they did made me laugh, which probably means they had extraverted intuition, “intueor.” The one guy comes to the door and he is rudely, openly eating a burrito or something while being introduced.

I wanted to mention something again which I have said before in this blog. If you keep the bedroom door closed at night, the carbon dioxide builds up in the room while you’re sleeping and breathing, and carbon dioxide causes terror and panic and nightmares. You have to sleep with the door open a crack, or a window open, to let out the carbon dioxide so that you won’t have night terrors.

Another cause of nightmares is drugs, drug withdrawal, or exposure to drug residues. If you have taken a drug during the day, such as an antidepressant, you start going into withdrawal at night and become terrified. Drug residues are a long story which I’ve explained elsewhere, but basically, you can get small amounts of drugs on your skin, and it goes through the skin, causing the same symptoms and side effects as it would if you had taken the drug orally, but much milder, since the dosage is much lower. This happens if you have ever used drugs or been around other people who do. The drug residues are usually all over the clothing, as drugs are excreted through the skin in sweat and oils.

A long time ago I used to have the sort of nightmares that are in this movie. You’re turning on the lights, but the bulbs are burned out or else the light is so dim that it doesn’t illuminate anything. The light in the whole movie was like that.

I used to have apnea, but I don’t have it badly anymore. It can be caused by particular foods that are listed in the Feingold Diet, and it can also be caused by poisons in your environment such as pesticides and herbicides. When you’re having an apnea attack, you sometimes go into this weird nightmare that you can’t wake up from, and it’s just like being lost in the astral world. I would see fleeting, terrifying, distorted images. Often I would be sleeping with my eyes open, looking around the room in the darkness, and I would distort the shapes in the room so that lights and shadows looked like faces and eyes and silhouettes of horrible creatures and bizarre people. The outlines of images and objects were changed so that the weird shapes were visible, and the shapes were really there, but I never noticed them when I was awake. I had to be trapped asleep and terrified in order to see the distorted shapes.

The one unrealistic thing was that the lady in the movie wasn’t terrified enough. Back when I had terrifying things happening at night, I would half crouch and walk along looking for the monster, and I would bare my teeth and snarl and growl like an animal. The woman just had a sort of wide eyed look, but wasn’t snarling the way I used to. I’m sure people would have thought it was funny, but that was my real response. I would also growl or almost bark or roar when I was terrified. I really got into the movie and was clenching my claws at one point, which was another thing I used to do, pretend I had claws.

Today when I was at the Bellefonte library, a guy came in and was asking one of the librarians to look up something about harassment because he didn’t know how to look it up. He was probably forced to get the idea to go into the library and ask about that. He was also asking about stalking. I turned around and looked at him and I wanted to talk to him but it wasn’t appropriate. He left quickly after that and I’m guessing he was freaked out because I turned and looked at him when he said the word “harassment.”

I’m not totally into any ghost movies anymore or movies about the paranormal and supernatural and psychic, because now that I know about electronic harassment, I no longer interpret those things as being caused by ghosts or whatever. To me, they are some sick human sitting somewhere pushing buttons on a machine. But I still somewhat enjoy scary movies about the psychic and supernatural. I enjoy pretending it’s real. I can suspend disbelief.

I haven’t been talking about harassment or energy weapons recently, as I’ve been preoccupied with moving out of my apartment. This is the one thing that gives me hope. If I succeed, I will be able to save a lot more of the money I earn. And I will also have more free time in which to study and improve myself and also to enjoy life. So this is giving me hope. I don’t know if I will succeed. Anything could happen. If I get in an accident and become a quadriplegic or something then obviously I won’t be able to do much of anything. I am hoping that I am just lucky enough to be able to save money and change my life without anything going wrong that I have no control over. “They” teach you learned helplessness, so that you believe they will attack you anytime you improve your life.

I want to not only save money to fix the car, but also to do things like build a shield prototype. Building shields is my first priority in self defense against electronic harassment. Other people are interested in the legal side of it, or the activism side of it, but as for myself, I just want to put all of my efforts into successully blocking it out or at least reducing it. I want to sleep an entire night without a single interruption.

And I agree that the law needs to acknowledge that energy weapon harassment is real, and that methods must be found for tracking down the source of the attacks so that you can convict people of this crime. That won’t be my focus – I will let others do that. I will be interested in the tracking methods though. I will go step by step: shield first, then the detection and tracking and the proof that it’s being done. If I can get that proof and a trail leading to the people who are doing it, then I will become interested in talking to the law. I doubt that the police have methods of detecting the attacks and showing which way they came from. It would be helpful to use creative approaches that the police could never use, such as small flying drones that fly up into the air and trace the source of a signal. The police will never think creatively. So the detection and tracking has to be done by the creative people and not by the law.

I need to pack up the PC on my table… Can I at least start doing that soon? I haven’t been motivated to move out the last few items in my apartment and put them into storage. (note: Tuesday morning I did finally end up working on going through stuff in the bedroom.)