Archive for November, 2015

strangely cheerful? ginseng?

November 29, 2015

I don’t know why I would be cheerful. I did take one of the ginseng pills, the one that has a mixture of additives in it – several kinds of ginseng, then some kind of bee pollen or something (I’m forgetting what it is) – royal jelly? – and synthetic vitamin b12 added. I did *not* take any caffeine pills at all when I got up this morning. I had coffee at work. I’m not sure why I was suddenly able to get up without caffeine pills. I’m probably fighting off a cold virus, so my immune system got up off its lazy ass and did something for once, and while it was fighting the cold, it fought the chronic fatigue syndrome virus too. Just a theory: I often notice that my chronic fatigue syndrome feels better after I’ve gotten over a ‘real’ virus. But the effect only lasts for one day before it resets to the normal level of my immune system not giving a fuck about trying to fight the fatigue syndrome virus.

I’m not getting sick this year, at all. Hey, I’m eating apples! I’m eating one or two apples, every couple of days, not consistently. Maybe it’s really true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but only if they are wild growing tiny apples collected for free, and not the apples that have been sprayed with pesticides and have been sitting in a warehouse waiting to be sold for the last two or three years while their vitamins biodegraded (which is why we don’t ever pay for an apple unless somebody forces us to).

Seriously, huge apples are a pain to eat anyway. I can never eat one whole huge apple in one sitting. I *prefer* tiny apples because I can easily eat the whole thing and maybe eat another one, and I don’t have to take a few bites and then wrap it with plastic wrap and put it in the fridge!

So I don’t know why I’m strangely cheerful. I did decide to stay out at the camp a little bit longer instead of renting. I had this tension and dread at the thought of working longer hours to start paying rent again.

Also, there are a bunch of reasons why this is a bad time. JESSE IS COMING HOME! Jesse will be here in two weeks and, um, two days or something. On the fifteenth. I’m not going to start suddenly working sixty hours a week right now! I have to have some free time so that I can see him. Quitting my Taco Bell job, and also working only three days a week at McD, while camping, will leave me with four free days a week to see him.

I’ll also be nearby, here in town, easy to reach, right down the street from him, only a little bit farther away than I used to be, but not much. It’s a few minutes’ bike ride away, down to Westerly Parkway. But it’s not a huge bike ride at all. We can easily call each other on the phone, and then have me ride my bike over there a short time later.

Jesse forgot that Max was dead. We were talking on the phone and he was joking about (it’s a long story) an evil military robot that he had sent here to State College to kill me, Max, and Jacob, and it was right there at my place eating Max and Jacob right now, while we were on the phone. I didn’t have the heart to remind him again that Max was dead. And I didn’t get another cat.

Max crawled all over our laps because he got very, very jealous when Jesse came over to visit me and we were sitting side by side on the bed. Max was annoying Jesse. That’s all he remembers of Max. He only really saw him a few times. Max was usually outside somewhere. He calls Jacob ‘The Negro Cat.’

I have a phone reminder going off, telling me to go buy batteries for my flashlight. I might buy some of those cookies with the weird looking people in brightly colored clothes from … Daneland? Where the heck do Danish people come from? Or Dutch, or whatever they are? No, it says Danish cookies. I’m gonna do that, I’m gonna buy another tin of butter cookies, and I’ll have three of the same tins sitting in my tent. They only have a few fake modern ingredients, in contrast to almost everything else. No vegetable oils. Real butter. Artificial vanillin, and something weird like ammonium bicarbonate, and I think, maybe, possibly, that might be the reason why I got a strange rash on my skin recently, which mostly went away. I had an unexplained rash, and it could have been because I was eating ridiculous amounts of those butter cookies. If it happens again, I’ll know. We’ll see.

I’m strangely cheerful. I love camping. Yep, this has to be the ginseng. I am never this positive.

I also can’t wait to order some plum trees. I’m going to get those wild growing plum trees. I encountered only one or two around the area and was delighted to find something so special, but then, I believe one of them got cut down! It was in a big field, and I remember for some reason they just randomly chopped down some small trees that were in that field, for no reason at all. I couldn’t find the plum tree again, but I found crabapples, and then I wasn’t sure whether I had really ever seen the plum tree at all, or whether I had just mistaken the crabapples for plums, or what. But I remember in Lemont, on Mt. Nittany Road, there absolutely definitely was one or two wild plum trees growing. I verified that it was a plum by taking it apart and looking inside, and it had a pit like a plum. I want those trees. They are native. I’m going to add them to my native food plants collection.

Ginseng is like an antidepressant for me. I will go into withdrawal and have nightmares.

I received turkey guts as a gift from someone who I requested edible organs from, if he ever went hunting. He took the turkey guts from Thanksgiving and brought them for me, which was very nice. I am nibbling them now.

The universe cracked yesterday for a bunch of people

November 29, 2015

5:33 PM 11/29/2015

Eight people missed work at McD yesterday. Two of them were in extremely severe accidents. Four of them either got fired or quit, and I haven’t sorted it all out yet.

One lady, working overnights, Jolene, got in a car accident and broke both her legs. I’d seen her interacting with Eric the SLI manager and I’d wondered if she was a dual, but I didn’t get to know her well enough to find out for sure. The other person in an accident was Cody, ESI. He punched a window while drunk, and pulled his arm back and ripped his arm to shreds so badly that it damaged the ligaments. Jermaine said that he had been planning to go into baseball, so he’s probably ruined his life.

I don’t think this was an accident. I think it was a terrorist attack through mind control, and that’s why it all happened at one time. But I don’t know. It was just too much at once.

Meanwhile, our McD computer system is extremely slow, and I’m locking up every time I go online. People can hardly even punch in to come to work. We’re being hacked… I don’t know, I might be able to use *some* web pages.

The deer that wanted the apple; vitamin B gave me carpal tunnel temporarily

November 28, 2015

12:22 PM 11/28/2015

I did buy a bottle of ginseng a week or two ago, the kind I wanted to try again, but I can’t find it. It’s buried in my backpack or my pile of junk in the tent. I only took it once, and it gave me carpal tunnel syndrome because for some random reason it contains Vitamin B12 (synthetic).

I never take synthetic vitamins and I deliberately avoid them as much as possible, although I will sometimes go through phases when I drink milk that has vitamin D added to it (since it’s so hard for me to get raw milk, as I can’t get to the farmers’ market in town often enough).

Taking synthetic vitamins usually *causes* the very symptoms that those vitamins are allegedly there to fix. They say carpal tunnel syndrome (pain in the wrist) is caused by a combination of riboflavin deficiency, and overuse of the wrist, a repetitive motion injury. I use my wrist at McDonald’s while cooking, but it never gives me any pain – until suddenly I take one of the synthetic B vitamins, which screws up your entire system of B vitamins.

I don’t know how to explain it – you probably use up your store of riboflavin as your body attempts to process the synthetic vitamin B12 or something. That sounds like the explanation that I read somewhere.

So anyway that’s one of the random additives that you get in a bottle of herbal pills, one of the reasons why I wanted to grow my own herbs, years and years ago, so that I could control what was in the herbal drugs I was using. Unfortunately, St. John’s Wort causes
incapacitating chronic fatigue, and I already had chronic fatigue before that, but it was much worse on St. John’s Wort, and I was both using sjw, and also contaminating all my belongings with sjw and not realizing it, so I had incapacitating chronic fatigue during that time – so I started looking for hardcore stimulants, bought ephedra seeds, and then ‘the rest is history’ – I had to destroy all my belongings after touching the ephedra seeds.

I bought a bottle of sjw a few days ago too, and I took a few fragments of a few pills, not whole pills at a time. It surprisingly didn’t help me very much at all. I was shocked – it actually didn’t have the effects that I normally get from sjw. I got a kind that comes in a hard, breakable tablet, instead of the kind where it’s a capsule that you can open up with dried powder inside. I thought I had gotten good results from the hard tablet kind in the past.

But not only did this not help me enough, all it did was give me the incapacitating fatigue the next day, and I suddenly remembered how it used to be – I would be so tired that I would have to call off sick from work, which was extremely embarrassing and which always made me fear that I would lose my job.

I don’t have a lot of time to write – soon I have to get ready to leave for work. I thought of a couple things.

A deer came to my camp the other night. It probably wanted the apples. I am sharing the apples with anybody who comes to eat them. They are sitting outside in an open cardboard box, being rained on. I’m gradually eating a couple of them every few days. They’re tiny little apples that fell on the ground from the trees behind Weis Market on Westerly Parkway. Free apples! On the ground, rotting! If they haven’t mowed them over with a lawnmower, they’re still there right now. They were still there a couple days ago when I went there, millions of them, small apples in almost perfect condition, from several trees in that long row of trees behind the building. One of them is a yellow apple tree, my favorite – I prefer yellow apples, for some reason – they taste better to me.

I also tried eating some of the wild apples, and some of the mystery fruits, which for some reason didn’t scare me into thinking they were poisonous. All of them resembled some kind of crab apples. But some of them were small enough to be called ‘berries’ rather than ‘crabapples,’ on some of the trees, and I wasn’t familiar with them, but I tried them anyway – I didn’t eat a whole thing, I just bit into them to see what the juice tasted like. Some of the crabapples were actually mild and sweet and really good. The tree that I thought was a ‘persimmon’ tree, when I found it in the middle of the winter with some crabapples still on it last year, produced a huge ton of fruit, and I tasted them and they were good.

So the big cardboard box is full of only normal apples, which were large enough to be recognized as apples. But I could have had bushels and bushels of crabapples too, if I had enough boxes and a truck to carry them in. I seriously want to do that. It’s so frustrating – every single year I lament the loss of the harvest, in the fall – I see tons and tons and tons of fruit and nuts falling on the ground and just rotting, although some of it gets eaten by squirrels.

THEY SELL APPLES FOR MONEY in the grocery store which is only a few feet away from these perfectly good apple trees growing behind the building! They just have a few very small cuts and bruises on them, from falling, and little brown dots all over the skin which aren’t anything bad, just brown colored dots! And very rarely there is an actual bug or worm inside the apple, but I’m almost never finding those!

So, the visitor. It was the middle of the night and very quiet. I heard the rustling of leaves as the deer walked up to my camp to get an apple out of the box. The deer knew that a dangerous animal lived in this tent. It must have smelled my urine and it must have recognized a tent as a manmade object, a ‘den’ of some sort.

Deer make huffing noises as a warning. It made some interesting noises as it was approaching my tent. It didn’t make the very loud sneezing noise that they make, not yet anyway. But it made this very deep, oh, I’m forgetting the word. A noise which is so deep that you can’t hear it. Like faraway thunderstorms or volcanoes erupting, or tornadoes, or earthquakes. Subfrequency noises. Extremely low frequency noises. I think it must be ELF but I’m forgetting some other word for it.

The deer made a grunt that was an extremely low frequency sound. The sound triggered an instant feeling of terror in me. It sounded like an animal growl, like the growl of a lion. It was almost like the deer was communicating to another deer, but there wasn’t a deer nearby, and it was communicating that a dangerous, scary animal, like something that would growl like a lion, was here in this tent and they should be aware of it. Low frequency sounds trigger feelings instantly in humans and animals.

The deer are wandering and they must be traumatized by having lost friends and family to the hunters. They are more scared than usual. I have conflicted feelings about eating animals for meat, but yet I have reasons why I think it is necessary. I still understand that deer have social connections, and that makes it sound too
‘scientificky,’ and scientists are always rationalizing things like ‘lobsters can’t feel pain’ and stupid shit like that, so I want to avoid sounding scientificky at all costs. ‘Social connections’ is a scientificky sounding phrase. They have LOVED ONES and FAMILY MEMBERS and mothers and fathers and grandfathers and children.

I’ve taken three caffeine pills this morning. It’s going to be hard to stop blogging long enough to get up and go to work.

The deer made this very low frequency grunt which sounded like a lion’s growl, and it sent a wave of terror through me, even though I knew it was only a deer. I could hear the way it was walking and I could hear the other noises it made and that’s how I knew it was a deer without looking. It was extremely paranoid about approaching the tent, as though it had already been terrorized by hunters elsewhere.

I think it must have grabbed an apple. It came up to about where the box was, and then a minute later it dashed off and started making the sneezing noises and huffing. It must have expected some kind of trap or attack after it grabbed the apple. I can only hope that at least it actually got one of the apples, rather than merely smelling them and then running away. I seriously don’t mind sharing the apples with the deer. There are a lot of them and they are not my only food source.

There is a lady at work who came from New York. She has been homeless, or at least has temporarily slept outdoors before – she slept in the bathroom at a park several times, and she had her cat with her on at least some occasions. She has a whole bunch of cats, but they’re staying with her mother now. I told her I sympathize with this and that I myself would also be a cat rescuer if things had gone differently, and that I had two cats myself that I adopted from somebody else, but one of them got hit by a car.

It’s going to be hard to go to work today. It’s not so bad though – I didn’t take any more sjw, so I don’t have the totally incapacitating fatigue. It’s very frustrating – the ginseng with synthetic B12 added to it gave me carpal tunnel syndrome, and the sjw gives me fatigue. I did have another type of ginseng without any added B12. I want to go to a natural foods store and see what herbs they have, made by other manufacturers. I’m only seeing a particular couple of brands which are sold in the grocery stores and Rite Aid, because those places are most accessible to me. I would have to make a special trip someplace, on the bus, or a long bike ride, to get to any other stores where they sell herbal medicines, if I wanted to look for any brands that don’t add unwanted ingredients to the herbs.

Jacob is curled up against my arm, under a blanket. I am going to have to disturb him. He somehow tolerates all the muscle movements from my arm as I am typing on the keyboard. His head must be bouncing up and down a tiny bit as my arm muscles are flexing while I type, but he doesn’t seem to mind. I will have to make him a place to sleep so that he will be warm while I work. I have to be at work at 2:15 and it’s 12:58 right now. It’s time for me to start getting up and moving.

I did a google search about cyanosis

November 27, 2015

… just to see what sort of insanity I would find. This is one of the first results on google:

“Blue Clues: Common Causes of Neonatal Cyanosis – Emergency ……/blue-clues-common-causes-of-neonatal-cyanosis/‎ Everyone knows that newborn babies are just different. Heck, there’s an entire field of medicine dedicated to taking care of neonates. They make a lot of folks …”

‘Blue Clues,’ a cutesy sounding reference to ‘Blue’s Clues.’ Ha ha! That’s so cute! It’s a play on words, ha ha! That sure sounds scientific to me! If they can make a play on words out of it, then the author must be an authority on the subject! And a really good author, too!

Newborn babies are ‘just different.’ Aww, that’s cute! They sure as heck are different, aren’t they? No need to explain or understand. Just label all babies as ‘different.’ Anything that happens to a baby, it’s just because ‘babies are just different.’ How soothing and reassuring! And cute!

‘Heck!’ Why, you’re using comforting, informal language, to reach out to your audience while talking about a frightening subject! It’s not so frightening after all, if a warm, friendly author can make a play on words about a cartoon, and then use the word ‘heck’ at the beginning of a sentence! And ‘folks!’ We’re folks! This is all folksy ‘n’ stuff! Not something scary and medical-sounding! All reassuring and warm! But don’t worry, ‘folks,’ there’s a whole team of experts who selflessly dedicate their lives to understanding those mysterious, incomprehensible neonates who are ‘just different,’ so don’t worry your pretty little head about it! No need to think on your own! Just consult an expert!

I didn’t get past that part yet. I just saw the google search results.

This is the type of author who is the ‘front face’ for the murdering sociopaths who deliberately and consciously poison people in the background.

The nursing home abuse lady, the hospital birth lady, and the unapproved dish soap lady (me)

November 27, 2015

6:30 PM 11/27/2015

I don’t have a lot of time to write, because it’s my lunch break at McD. But, I know two people right now who are ongoing victims of mainstream medicine. One lady is from Taco Bell. I’m unable to type her, but ‘they’ suggested she might be ILI/INTP. Her husband has cancer and is now in a nursing home, and she is discovering the evil enormity of a scam that it is. I don’t have time to write it all. It’s abusive. I keep telling her to do everything she can to just get him out of there and take care of him at home. I know it’s not possible to just easily do something like that.

The other lady is someone from McD. A few blogs ago I was mentioning that personality types seem to be at least partly genetic, and she is another example that I forgot to mention. She and her brother both work at McD and are both ESI/ISFJ.

She got pregnant during the time when I wasn’t working at McD this year, and now she’s had her baby. I couldn’t tell her how to have her baby, because I’ve never had one myself and have no right to tell someone else how to do it.

However, I know that she did everything that you can possibly do wrong. She told me that she was going to be induced a couple weeks early. WRONG. She was having twins, but having twins is no excuse for being induced early. It is possible to have twins naturally.

They were okay at first, but her brother told me that just today, they were about to go home from the hospital, and one of the twins turned blue and stopped breathing. WRONG. This is not just a random accident that happened out of nowhere. It happened because of SOMETHING THEY DID. They poison newborn babies with all sorts of vaccinations and vitamin K shots that cause jaundice and all sorts of horrible stuff. I don’t know if she’s breastfeeding or not, so I can’t say if that contributed to it, but formulas contain all sorts of chemicals too.

Also, babies that leave the womb EARLY have undeveloped lungs. Their lungs need to have some kind of lining, or something, which is developed and prepared in just the last couple weeks before birth, and I could be getting some of the details wrong, but, if you induce labor and get them out early, that lung lining (or whatever it is) is not ready for breathing air yet. The details may be wrong but the general idea is right: babies taken out early by induction will have problems breathing.

I am not criticizing *her* for doing this. She’s a young girl and has no idea that mainstream medicine’s childbirth process (in the USA) is the most absolute blackest evil and totally destructive to all life. She’s a victim and I’m not blaming her for it. I wish I could have told her everything before it happened, but it’s hard to tell someone that and make them believe me if all I’ve done is just read about other people having babies.

There are things that I just know without experiencing them (and that’s socionics: my base function is -Si, which is four-dimensional, which means I can predict the future in that function without ever having to experience it firsthand – I just know what would happen). All I have to do is read about someone else’s experience, and I know what to believe, and what not to believe, in this realm. I am even better at this now that I am 41 years old and have been reading about these things for a very long time now.

So, we’ll find out if the baby is okay. I don’t know what did it. I don’t know if it was a vaccination (or rather, a billion vaccinations all done simultaneously), or the vitamin K shot, or some poisonous food they fed the baby, or some unnecessary drug they decided to give the baby. Whatever, it would not have happened if she’d given birth at home, without inducing it.

I know babies often stop breathing because their mothers were given really strong painkillers during birth, and the painkillers go straight to the baby, even though the lying liars who lie say they don’t go to the baby. They do. You’re giving your baby all the same painkillers that you’re giving yourself, and it makes the baby stop breathing. (And then, everyone’s like, ‘Oh no! Gasp! The baby stopped breathing! That’s totally unexpected! Thank goodness you were here at the hospital to be rescued when this happened! If you had been at home, the baby would have died without us!!!’)

However, this incident happened after the babies had already been born and out for a couple of days now. It didn’t happen immediately after the birth.

Jesse is coming home on December 15th for his Christmas vacation from the army.

I quit my job at Taco Bell. I wrote a note and left it for the manager. I actually don’t know if she got it. I put it on the schedule request book.

I was having problems which were probably caused by the small amounts of birth control pill residues left on my TB uniform after I hugged Brittany weeks ago. I know from experience that washing clothes multiple times doesn’t remove residues. I actually was thinking about buying some kind of harsher detergent, but didn’t get around to it and thought it was getting better.

But I was still having rages at Taco Bell. And I was unable to avoid the superego manager, who was working more and more hours there (actually, overtime, about 60 hours a week or something).

On the day when I quit, we were out of dish soap, and I informed them, and I mentioned that I would like to just go over to Weis and get some with my own money. ‘If you did that, I would have to send you home, because that’s not an authorized chemical from Taco Bell,’ he said. The rage and adrenaline kicked in and I said, ‘Well that’s fucking retarded!’ while looking at another lady who was standing there watching this conversation. So it’s safe to wash dishes without any soap, but not safe to wash dishes with perfectly normal ordinary dish soap from the grocery store because we have to and we can’t get any of our usual soap right this instant? I’ve been working in fast food since you were in diapers, and I’ve occasionally washed dishes with dish soap from the grocery store before, and nobody died, and nobody got fired.

So then, I used the soap from the mop soap dispenser. He didn’t know how I got the water so soapy, and he walked by and looked at it suspiciously, probably misinterpreting it as me having somehow secretly brought in some soap from outside against his will. He started acting all angry at me after seeing that I had successfully somehow gotten soapy water by magic when he was expecting to see me fail to have any soap in the water at all. Mop soap is an approved chemical that comes from Taco Bell, so it should be okay to wash dishes with, right? I’ve done it before and nobody died.

That was when I decided for sure I had to quit, although I had been thinking about it. I know the rage was caused by a combination of birth control pill residues and mind control, and normally, I tolerate and ignore all of this insanity. But I haven’t been able to control the rage even though I know what was causing it. I had to say ‘That’s fucking retarded!’ because it had to be said. I was not going to silence that.

My break is over.

The ghost birds and the bobcat

November 24, 2015

11:00 PM 11/24/2015

I was playing Terraria just now and I heard a ‘meow’ in my
imagination, in the background of the noises of the game. It was probably the voices in my head. I suddenly remembered something neat that happened last night, something beautiful that can only happen when I am camping in the woods.

I’m camping because 1. I had to escape from my contaminated
apartments, where I had gotten ephedra all over the floors and my belongings, and for that same reason, I had to get rid of my car; 2. I have chronic fatigue syndrome, so it’s very helpful if I can avoid paying rent, so that I can work fewer hours and get a lot of rest, without having to ask my parents for money, and without having to become a prostitute or a housewife to someone I don’t love.

But also, I really do love nature, I love the primitive lifestyle, and I love the idea of making things out of primitive materials. It’s very hard for me to do this when it’s wintertime and my hands are cold, but I am able to do a little bit of work in the summertime.

I don’t light fires, although I might start lighting them in the future. It’s just that a fire would draw too much attention to me when I am stealth camping, and also, I hate breathing smoke – it makes my throat burn literally for DAYS afterwards. I would try to dig a hole and light a fire underground, with some air tunnels, but unfortunately an underground fire would block me from seeing the infrared radiation, which is where a lot of the fire’s heat comes from – you have to be able to see the orange light to feel the heat. This was described on the websites selling ‘The Physicist’s Fire’ or whatever it’s called, which is a metal grate that lets you put the fire coals inside the grate in such a way that orange firelight shines out in all directions, maximizing your exposure to the infrared light.

I do love the outdoors, and I would love it a lot more if I were totally confident about living where I live, knowing it was okay to light fires, knowing that nothing bad would happen if people saw me or heard me, and having companions nearby who got along well with me, and being able to make modifications to the environment, so that maybe I could cut down trees that might fall (I hesitate to cut down trees – I cut one down once, and I smelled its pain, in such a way that it made me sick and made me feel a sensation of being horribly traumatized beyond repair, a sensation of being separated and cut apart, as though my own head were being cut off – I empathized with the tree. I do not want to cut down trees unless I have to.). If I were already set up so that I were producing foods and storing them where I live, so that I would not have to work for money at all, and if I had the tools and infrastructure, and the knowledge and skills, then I would love to have a self-reliant subsistence life in the woods, if I knew nobody would make me leave.

Aside from those things, I also love nature. An incident happened last night, which I was reminded of by the imaginary meow.

When I was camping on Mt. Nittany, I would sometimes hear ‘ghost birds’ in the middle of the night. They probably went by in the daytime too, but I was never around – I was always at work or out in town someplace sitting and using the computer. When I was sleeping, or lying in bed, I would hear strange birds sometimes going by, rarely. They would go, ‘Hoot! HOOT! wooohoo! hoot-hoot-hoot HOOT!’ in various pitches. It sounded exactly like a bunch of teenagers screwing around, hooting and saying, ‘Woo! woohoo!’ But the ‘rowdy teenagers’ would never start speaking in language. I’d sit there listening, thinking it was kids fooling around, but they would never switch back to speaking English after whooping and hooting. So I would figure out these were some kind of weird birds. Also, they traveled too quickly to be humans on foot. I’d hear them in one place, and they would quickly go by and very soon be in another place, faster than any person could run along a path. They really did sound like people, in the frequency range of humans whooping and hooting for fun.

Well, one time I finally saw them during the daytime, and they were some kind of geese. They traveled in very small flocks, not like the huge flocks of Canada geese, and so they were not very noticeable, just tiny groups of maybe three or four. I don’t know what they are.

Last night, and a few times over the past couple nights, I have heard the bobcat’s meow. I knew there were some bobcats around the area. I don’t hear them very often. One of them was close to my tent recently. I heard it meowing, and the voices in my head / the mind controllers / the military hackers who control all the computers regardless of whether they’re connected to the wifi or not, they crashed the video game to draw my attention to the cat, which I was ignoring. I was playing Terraria on the battery, in my tent, and I heard the cat but I was like, ‘eh, whatever,’ and just kept on playing. Jacob was inside with me. ‘They’ urged me to zip the door completely shut, just to make sure Jacob didn’t go out there. So I did – my Terraria game was interrupted for that. Bobcats are not usually dangerous to humans, but there are stories of them attacking people when they are very hungry. (There are also youtube videos of people playing with pet bobcats.) They could also attack Jacob. Jacob has no front claws, and no testicles, and he is fat.

So last night, while I was lying in bed, under the nearly full Frost Moon of November, I heard a meow. It sounded exactly like a normal housecat. Sometimes, their meow sounds irritated, scared, angry, or hurt, or in pain. But last night, it was just a very loud meow, not far from my tent. Again, Jacob was with me, in the sleeping bag, and he stayed still. I listened. Suddenly, I heard the ghost birds hooting. As usual, for a few seconds I thought, ‘Oh, there’s some drunk kids running into the park and fooling around,’ with a feeling of dread and annoyance. But the wooing just kept going, and they never switched back to speaking English, or laughing, or being obnoxious and drunk. So I realized it was the birds again.

The cat meowed because it heard the birds shortly before I heard them. I know this, because I have seen Jacob meowing at birds before, when the birds were making noises. These geese were sort of in the meowing frequency range, and maybe the cat thought it was another cat meowing.

I would love to see the bobcats, but I have only seen one once, and it was when I was on Mt. Nittany. I was pushing my bike up Mt. Nittany Road in the dark of night, and I saw this THING under the
streetlights. It was like a monster. It was a large, tailless thing, which was not a dog, not a cat, and not any other familiar animal, and not a fox. It wasn’t a bear, it was too small, and it wasn’t shaped right and didn’t move right to be a bear. It was this weird, hump-backed thing which lolloped along at a fast speed. It saw me and it instantly ran away. I felt sure it wasn’t a bear, but now that I’m describing it, it seems as though it could have been. But at the time, I felt sure it was a bobcat. I just noticed how weird it looked because it had no tail.

Other times the bobcats make noises that people describe as a ‘scream,’ but I am able to hear the sound of a cat meowing in the scream, so it doesn’t really sound like a scream to me.

I might rent a room for a while, but I might go camping again when it gets warm. Then again, I might not want to – I hate thunderstorms. The best time to camp is actually in the wintertime: there are no thunderstorms, no rain (which makes trees fall), no bugs, no yellowjackets, no spiders, no mosquitoes, and no poison ivy. It’s actually very nice. However, I have Jacob now, and I don’t want to make him suffer.

Yeahhhhh… this is the creepy painting…

November 24, 2015

Thyroid test: it works, but it’s not for me. Interesting pictures on Danish cookie tin, compared to a similar but creepy Michael Jackson painting. Surviving a pirate invasion in Terraria, using an Imp Staff.

November 24, 2015

5:14 PM 11/24/2015

I am awake now. I did my two days of sleep followed by recaffeinating to get myself up and out of bed so I could go eat and get online. Here’s what’s happened in the last couple days.

I got the delivery of bovine thyroid. It’s in the category that I predicted it would be in: extremely strong, and extremely effective, but doesn’t work for my particular problems, and is too strong for me to use. If only I really had a thyroid deficiency, it would be great.

I tested it by simply opening the bottle, and then inhaling the smell. I didn’t even eat any part of the pills. A few minutes after inhaling the smell, I had the reaction to the thyroid. It caused a sensation of intense fear, and a feeling that the blood pressure in my brain was slightly increased, but not too badly. It was not as bad as ephedra was.

I was lying in bed for all of Monday. I went home earlier than usual on Sunday night after work – I didn’t stay up very late playing Terraria. I think I went to the laundromat briefly to plug in and play the game for a while, but even then I didn’t stay up as late as I usually do. It’s because my main character just went into ‘hardmode,’ where you’ve defeated the wall of flesh in hell, and the whole game changes and everything gets harder (note, they have a lot of sexual jokes in the game, and the reference to being ‘hard’ is probably one of them). Hardmode is so hard and so traumatic that I decided to take a vacation from it, and go do some ore mining in another world. It’s an expert world, but even an expert world is easier than hardmode.

So I’m off on a Terraria tangent for a minute here. I was traumatized by a pirate invasion, shortly after I got into hardmode. I had all these open, insecure houses with doors on both sides. All or most of my NPCs were murdered by the pirates. Fortunately, their death is never permanent, as they will respawn with new names later on, but even so, I pretend that it matters. Also, the party girl took a long time to come back, because she only appears at random, so her respawning time is unpredictable.

I killed the wall of flesh in hell more easily than I defeated the first pirate invasion. It took me like, I dunno, twenty minutes, and I died about 40 times. I WAS TRAUMATIZED.

So I decided, never again. I rebuilt some new houses afterwards, and made them secure so that they were fully enclosed and nobody could get in. I had a goblin invasion right after that, and the goblin casters just shot purple magic straight through the walls, so the walls didn’t even matter for a goblin invasion, but it wasn’t as bad as the pirate invasion. Goblin invasions are faster and easier to defeat than pirates.

Then, I had another pirate invasion. I just closed off all my walls and stood there inside the house. I didn’t know exactly how I would kill them, but then I tried something new, and it worked. I summoned an imp with my imp staff (made of hellstone). Usually, the imp will appear wherever you click the mouse, but then it instantly flies through a wall to join you and be right next to you.

However, you can summon it again and again and again a million times, and it only costs a small amount of mana. So I summoned the imp by clicking directly on the pirates I wanted to kill, and he appeared right on top of them, doing damage and shooting them a couple times, before he flew through the wall to join me. I just did that millions of times, making him reappear outside the walls to kill the pirates, while I was completely enclosed indoors. I didn’t have to go outside at all. It was totally cheating and I totally took advantage of those poor pirates’ artificial intelligence. They didn’t know how to get away. They just stood there, clustering around me, trying to get in, and I just ‘imped’ them over and over a million times. They had no defense at all.

Anyway, so hardmode is too hard, and ‘Anybody’ is taking a break from it. ‘Anybody’ is the character I’ve been using ever since my first character, ‘Nicole,’ somehow got destroyed when my computer’s battery died. I just made a few random characters in the beginning before I knew what I was doing, when I was still having some technical difficulties which I have mostly fixed now. I had no idea how to play the game or what I was doing, but now I understand it a lot more.

I would have been completely helpless if I hadn’t been able to read the Terraria wiki online. There are connections I never would have made, things I never would have noticed – for instance, an ice golem will spawn in the tundra in hardmode, if it happens to be during a blizzard, and ice golems are extremely valuable because they have frost souls or something like that, or frost shards, or something, which can be used to make something else that I want, I forget what. Oh, some kind of titanium armor, that’s what it was. I don’t have titanium yet, but it appeared in the world after I started destroying the demon altars. Anyway I would have had no idea when to look for the ice golems if I hadn’t read the wiki.

Okay, back to the thyroid. I continued lying in bed today, in caffeine withdrawal, after inhaling the thyroid. It did not help me get the urge to get out of bed and do things. Thyroid did not get rid of my chronic, low level joint and muscle pain. It also did not give me mental motivation, a desire to do things and be rewarded by success.

So far, tobacco is one of the only things that has ever given me motivation to move around and do things, but I have chosen never to become addicted to tobacco. I only know it because years ago I planted tobacco seeds and attempted to grow tobacco, so I was touching and handling it at that time, and got contaminated by tobacco along with ephedra and the other herbs.

Tobacco is one of the most useful drugs on the planet, for the purpose of making everyone into the most productive slaves. If we didn’t have to earn millions of dollars to pay our rent and our bills, tobacco wouldn’t be needed.

Native Americans used tobacco for recreational purposes, but they must have noticed that it helped them work more productively too. It’s just that in a primitive society, you don’t have to slave as much. People work FEWER hours in primitive stone age societies than they do in the modern world, which is the opposite of what they taught us in school. In school, they taught us that we have all these labor-saving devices, which have made life easier for everyone, and we have huge, efficient factory farms so that nobody has to farm anymore.

But in reality, the slave masters just cranked up the prices of everything on earth, especially rent and land prices, so that we have to slave EVEN MORE hours for every hour saved by our labor saving devices. You saved twenty hours by not having to wash the laundry by hand. Yay! That’s twenty more hours you can spend working and slaving for your rent and mortgages!

So, thyroid did not give me a feeling of motivation and reward. It gave me a feeling of intense fear, which did not last very long, thankfully, since I had merely inhaled the smell of it from the bottle. If I’d had a real shortage of thyroid, it would be helpful, but that’s not what I need. I just had to try it to find out.

Afterwards, I could feel something which I believe was my
*para*thyroid gland, although I could be wrong about this. It’s my understanding that the parathyroid gland puts out parathyroid hormone to try to neutralize excess thyroid. If you want to totally deplete and exhaust your parathyroid gland, then take some thyroid until the parathyroid can’t neutralize it anymore, and then you will experience a hyperthyroid condition. That’s what I believe would happen. If I understand correctly, it’s just as important to provide parathyroid along with thyroid. But I’d have to read about it again to make sure.

Anyway I could feel flushes of something which caused a sensation of relaxing after exposure to the thyroid. Unlike ephedra, thyroid is something that my body has natural defenses against.

They say that the thyroid hormone has barely changed since it first evolved in fish. You can eat seafood, and get thyroid from them, and the thyroid is as effective as your own human thyroid, because the molecule is mostly unchanged since then. You can eat chicken thyroid, and it’s just as good as human thyroid.

This happens when you throw the leftovers into a soup, when you put all the bones and organs in there after taking the parts of the meat you want to eat. You’re eating thyroid and other hormones in the soup. This method does not bother me. I can feel a sort of pleasant, refreshing sensation from eating that sort of broth. I also feel sensations from eating whole seafood with the guts, like if I get a whole blue crab, or a lobster. There are hormones and glands in there, but the dosages are either lower, or less strong because of being cooked, and it doesn’t cause me any discomfort the way this inhaled bovine thyroid smell did. It did briefly when I first experienced it, but I was expecting the worst, and it never got bad.

I tend to have reactions to things the first time I eat them, but afterwards, it’s less bad. My body seems to have the ‘unrecognized molecule’ phenomenon. It really seems as though my body, my immune system, has a memory, a database, of every molecule I’ve ever eaten. When I eat a new vegetable, or a new meat, or a new animal organ or body part that I’ve never eaten before, my immune system panics and has a reaction of fear, seeing that this is an unknown molecule. I’ll eat the same thing again later on, and that fear sensation doesn’t happen. I have to think of an example – I forget what it was, some kind of new fruit or vegetable that I had never eaten before.

The smell lingered in my nose. It was a dry, dusty smell, like bones. I made sure to wipe my hands and wipe my face afterwards. After a while, the bad feelings went away, and I went back to sleep. So my reaction to this thyroid inhalation was not too terrible, and it did not last too long. At the same time, it isn’t going to be useful to me, either. It didn’t do whatever it is that will help with my chronic fatigue syndrome.

I still want to try a nightshade-free, caffeine-free diet to see whether my chronic low level joint pain will go away. I don’t have enough control over my diet to try any special diets right now.

I’m going to sit at the laundromat for a while, eat some food, use the internet a little bit, and play my video game for a while. I might think of more stuff to blog about, or maybe not. I finally took two, or maybe it was even three? caffeine pills, to get myself out of bed this afternoon, after staying in bed from the middle of the night Sunday into Monday, all of Monday, Monday night, and all of Tuesday, until now this evening. It was long enough that I got a headache from caffeine withdrawal, which is what I wanted.

Oh yeah, the cookies. On impulse, I bought these cookies at Weis. They’re traditional Danish butter cookies, in a round cookie tin with pictures painted on it. I walked past this display and saw the pictures, and ‘they’ urged me to go back and buy some. I had a positive emotional reaction to the pictures. It was a bunch of smiling people outdoors in a rural setting, wearing brightly colored traditional clothing.

Let me contrast this image with another image associated with Michael Jackson, whose personality type I have debated. Some people believe he is ISFP / SEI, and I actually consider that to be possible, while others say he is a Beta NF (ENFJ or INFP). Some artist, not Michael Jackson himself, but some friend of his, painted a picture and gave it to him or sold it to him. I saw this picture somewhere online and can’t remember how to find it. It was a picture that I found disgusting and annoying, just as I can’t stand the paintings all over downtown State College.

In this picture, there were hundreds of children clustering around Michael Jackson as he was walking outdoors, under a bright sunlit sky. Every single person was grinning. Some of the children were doing things like bending over and looking between their own legs so you could see their diapered butts. These types of things are thought to be innocent in young children, but I myself have a vague revulsion and disgust when I see them.

This is one of the reasons that I use that thing which I believe is called Model B in socionics (although after a recent discussion on a forum, I’m no longer certain that Model B is what I think it is – somebody showed me something different from the chart that I’ve been using! In my model, -Ti is part of my creative function, but somebody said that I’m supposed to have three-dimensional -Fi ethics! Lol. NOT AT ALL, but whatever, that’s some other model.) In my version of Model B, my ignore function is a combination of -Se/+Si.

I believe that ‘little kids bending over and looking between their own legs so that you can see their diapered butts’ is +Si, the ‘too much information’ kind of introverted sensing, the kind used by Alpha SFs. I believe that I have more in common with Gamma sensing, which is written as +Se with -Si. We have a more prudish form of sensing, where you don’t want to know the details. I could be wrong about all this, but that’s the model I’m using right now.

All I know is, it makes me uncomfortable. There are people who aren’t bothered at all about revealing the intimate details of their bodies, but I associate this with extremely negative stereotypes and negative words like ‘sluts’ and ‘whores’ and ‘druggies,’ and also ‘stupid people,’ ‘morons,’ ‘low class,’ ‘white trash,’ ‘poor people,’ ‘uneducated people,’ and other negative connotations.

So, this Danish cookie tin actually had some things in common with the Michael Jackson-and-the-thousands-of-grinning-children painting. It was a bunch of happy people doing things outdoors, all of them grinning. However, I had more of a John Denver-ish feeling from it, and John Denver is also said to be an ISFP. It was a bright, happy, smiling face, on a person doing outdoor activities, ice skating, and people playing music, dancing, running around with dogs. The guy playing the violin has his head turned sideways and has a downright manic crazy grin on his face. All of their clothes were brightly colored.

One kid was playing the drums, and his clothes were even more outrageously bright than the others, and he had what looked like a dunce cap on his head. This made me wonder if the dunce cap had existed as a traditional cap, before it got connected with punishing children in school. So I looked it up, and supposedly it was associated with some guy named Duns. But I wondered if it could have come from ‘Dane’s Cap,’ Danish people, and maybe the Danes had been the victim of genocides and invasions, so that anything Danish became pejorative, an insult, because the dominant culture was oppressing them, so you have to wear a Dane’s Cap for punishment.

This child in the painting didn’t look like he was being punished. He was outdoors, grinning and having fun, playing the drums, and, I think, ice skating, with all the kids, but he had on bright polka dots and a dunce-like cap on his head. There might possibly have been a tiny trace of humiliation on his face (microexpressions), but that could have been because the model posing for the painting was embarrassed to be wearing such gaudy clothing and didn’t know how to feel normal. ‘I feel ridiculous wearing these clothes’ slightly came through in his expression, but that’s me reading into his
microexpressions expecting to see that emotion. I can totally imagine people making fun of their clothes ruthlessly, because they are unfamiliar to modern Americans. So I wondered if ‘Danes’ and ‘Dunce’ were the same word and that’s how it was associated with that cap, but wikipedia (and other online sources) doesn’t think so. They say it was some guy named Duns.

The butter cookies were very good. They contained only two
undesirable ingredients: ammonium bicarbonate, and vanillin (artificial vanilla). Vanilla comes from South America, so it isn’t a ‘traditional’ European flavoring, it’s a post-invasion,
post-Imperialism flavoring, especially the artificial chemical made in a factory. Ammonium bicarbonate is a leavening chemical, and I wish they would find some primitive, natural alternative that isn’t made in a factory. I do not know about the quality of the wheat and butter and sugar, what kind of sources they came from – I don’t have that information. They could have come from anywhere, from factory farms, or from natural pasture raised animals and naturally grown wheat, I have no idea.

Also, I’m not sure what continent sugar cane originally comes from, but I know that in the more distant past, foods were sweetened with things other than sugar, such as raisins. There are currants in these cookies, which are a type of small raisin, but not enough to provide a lot of sweetness. The currants are chewy and they glue my teeth together. But, if that was your only form of sugar, before sugar cane, that would be fine.

So I did not get the same horrible feeling from this painting that I got from the Michael Jackson painting (again, he didn’t paint it himself, it was a gift or something from somebody to him). It was a bunch of people smiling outdoors, but they were not all grinning because of worshipping Michael Jackson and basking in his company, they were grinning because they were a healthy, traditional community of people enjoying their free time, doing outdoor sports, dancing, and playing music, and enjoying each other’s company, with a mixture of adults and children – not a million children all clustered around Michael Jackson, doing nothing at all except basking in his aura and worshipping him and bending over so that he could look at their diapers. ‘Oh, look how cute! That’s so innocent!’ other people say, while I myself have a vague disgust and revulsion that I can’t explain. To me, it is not innocent, it is creepy, and rarely do I ever use that word, but this is one of the times when I use it. I don’t want Michael Jackson looking at *MY* children’s diapered butts.

I’m going to post this now but I might write another long rant. I’ve had either two or three caffeine pills. It’s that bad, I can’t remember how many pills I took. If I go into an apartment, I might go back to having a coffee-producing infrastructure, and I might focus my energy on making the best coffee that I possibly can, so that I can stop taking caffeine pills. I need coffee that works really well, and not all coffee works well for me, so I would have to deliberately set out to find coffee that worked, and make it at home. I was avoiding that for a long time – I was only making instant coffee, which doesn’t work very well. I didn’t want to get a Coffee Producing
Infrastructure, because all along, I really just wanted to quit using all caffeine, so I didn’t want to invest in a permanent, high quality, highly effective Coffee Producing Infrastructure. I’ve had coffee makers in the past and I got rid of them. And there are different ways of making coffee, too, and I would have to find the Best Way Of Making Coffee. This is research in the wrong direction for me, when what I actually want is to stop using caffeine.

Tolerate imperfect foods if they follow your principles. If they don’t, there’s no excuse for imperfection

November 20, 2015

6:13 PM 11/20/2015

I haven’t had a single day of caffeine withdrawal, and I desperately need it. I need to withdraw to the point where my head is killing me so badly that even drinking a cup of coffee doesn’t make the headache go away for a long time. I haven’t done that in WEEKS. The day when I supposedly slept for two whole days, I actually took two caffeine pills during that time period, and immediately went back to sleep after taking them. It might not have been ‘immediate,’ but, the point is that the pills are having no effect on me.

I did something that caused my entire body to be in pain today. It wasn’t an exercise, it was probably some food or chemical or illness I was exposed to, or maybe drug withdrawal after taking ginseng only a couple times and then stopping. Ginseng is officially classified as a ‘tonic,’ in herbal medicine terms, but I react to it like an antidepressant in some ways – I have nightmares when I go into withdrawal from it. In the middle of the night, I was yelling and yelling, and Jacob came over and cuddled with me when he had been outside. He was really cute.

I don’t know what’s wrong with the crispy chicken at McDonald’s. They changed the recipe and are calling it ‘buttermilk’ chicken now. But not only does it not taste good, I also have a lot of incidents where it has an utterly disgusting rubbery texture.

There is a difference between tolerating imperfections because you know something is good for you and it follows a principle, versus tolerating something disgusting when you also know, simultaneously, that it’s bad for you and it violates all your principles. So if the chicken is ‘tough’ and lacking a lot of fat because it’s been raised outdoors eating worms and hasn’t eaten a single grain of corn in its entire life, that’s okay, but if the chicken comes from a CAFO factory farm, and it’s filled with chemicals and hormones and has been eating bad food its entire life, THEN THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE FOR IT TO BE RUBBERY AND DISGUSTING. If you are going to violate all the principles of animal cruelty and healthy good quality food, then at least the result should taste good and have a desirable texture.

On the other hand, ‘they’ urged me to go pick up a bunch of fallen apples from the apple trees behind Weis. I know that there is a yellow apple tree there, and I have eaten from it before and I like them. I hate apples, but I will get them if they are free, from trees in the fall. Never, ever, ever pay for an apple!

I picked up these fallen apples, and put them in a cardboard box. I have them sitting outside. They are imperfect, bruised, spotty, and sometimes have bugs in them. I tolerate these imperfections because the apples were free and were raised wild without any maintenance and without any pesticides sprayed on them.

If the result of doing horrible, toxic processes isn’t even delicious and juicy and with a great texture, then there’s even less of an excuse for doing those things!

The McChicken is all fake and filled with fillers and
I-don’t-know-what, but at least it has a soft texture that doesn’t feel like gristle. The crispy chicken very frequently feels like nothing but a huge wad of gristle. It is absolutely vile.

Wads of gristle are okay if they are going into a soup pot to make stock, and if they come from wild-fed chickens that foraged outdoors their whole lives. Wads of gristle are not okay if it’s the texture of a piece of meat that you’re eating in a sandwich and you expect it to be something you can bite through with your teeth, and it comes from a factory farm anyway so it should be the most perfect, heavenly tasting, artificial, perfectly textured product on earth – otherwise, what is all that factory farm stuff for? and all those chemicals?

Oh yeah, I just remembered something else. The store manager really is an EII / INFJ. I’m almost sure of it. That’s weird though.

Argh! stupid people!

November 19, 2015

If your website has a space for the second line of your address, where you write the words ‘box 234,’ it implies that their computers are set up to receive that piece of data and print it out on the shipping label. BUT NO!!!! Always just the first line of the address, and never the second line! The second line just ceases to exist, even though you PRETEND you have a field for it in your database! That’s just a dummy line that doesn’t get recorded. GRR!

Okay. Here is what I am ordering. I am finally going to try the experiment with dessicated beef thyroid.

I am going to be EXTREMELY CAUTIOUS with thyroid. I have read about other people using dessicated glands as supplements, and all of them describe side effects. I will not eat an entire pill all at once. First, I will do sensitivity testing on my skin. I will simply put a tiny grain or two on my skin, maybe with oil or water to help it dissolve. If the molecule is too large to go through the skin, I will feel nothing at all. I will wait a while, like half an hour or something, to see if anything goes through my skin.

Then, after that, I will do a similar kind of sensitivity testing orally. I will have only the tiniest grain of it, not the whole pill. Then I will wait a long time, perhaps even a whole day, before testing any more.

Ideally, I would be in severe caffeine withdrawal, where I reach the stage of being totally incapable of getting out of bed, when I do this.

If I react badly to the thyroid, I won’t use it. I am not going to do anything dangerous. I will just get rid of it, and cut my losses on the money I spent from it. But I have wanted to try it for years. I have to at least try it and find out if it helps me at all.

There are many people who say they have benefited from taking natural animal thyroid. Some people get diagnosed as not having a thyroid problem – their numbers are said to be in the ‘normal range’ – but for one reason or another, the ‘normal range’ isn’t good enough for them. So when they independently try animal thyroid, they notice that it really helps them.

However, I have no way of knowing how many of the anecdotes are written by shills who want to encourage people to buy these products. I only know that some people have written about bad side effects, such as horrible abdominal cramping from taking the adrenal gland pills. (I’m not taking those.)

I wonder if parathyroid is included with the thyroid? Isn’t that like the antidote? If I ever had a farm and was raising animals for meat, and selling the glands, I would sell the ‘antidotes’ along with the hormones.

So again, I will use extreme caution, and won’t force myself to use it if there is even the slightest bad reaction to it. I’ve wanted to try it for years, and I will finally know, even if i end up wasting $60. That’s okay.

I did nothing but sleep for two whole days

November 17, 2015

I wasn’t asleep the whole time, but I was in bed. I got out of work on Sunday evening at 10:00pm, and played Terraria the whole night, after getting some weird foods at Weis (when I was going to attempt to get some kind of herbal medicine, but failed because they didn’t really have what I was looking for).

I got some random foods. I got yogurt, and also some yogurt-covered Craisins, and the ‘Greek yogurt’ coating tastes exactly like every other fake yogurt coating on raisins and on anything else, and it’s just palm kernel oil with some Greek yogurt powder mixed in, so it’s ‘Greek yogurt’ in name only, just because Greek yogurt is popular and trendy now. I don’t like Greek yogurt – it tastes like a big bowl of sour, liquefied feta cheese. I don’t like sour milk or sour cream. But palm kernel oil with Greek yogurt powder mixed in and some artificial flavors tastes exactly like palm kernel oil with normal yogurt powder mixed in with artificial flavors added.

But the one thing I got that probably caused a problem for me was the soy tofu. I randomly get a desire to buy a block of tofu every now and then. But I think it ruined my thyroid for several days. I ate the entire block of tofu during that overnight Terraria session while I sat plugged in at McDonald’s. (I can’t plug in at home while I’m camping.)

So, I went home early in the morning on Monday, my day off, after being there all night. I’ve been using TONS of caffeine, taking caffeine pills, and drinking espresso at work. So I was able to stay up all night.

I slept all day Monday, which I expected. But I did not get up later that evening to go out and eat, which is what I usually would do. I just ate dried food in the tent. I have some pretty decent dried snack foods now, for instance, organic banana chips made with coconut oil, along with freeze dried broccoli bites and dried kale from Rhythm Superfoods or something like that, I forget the exact name, which I buy at Sheetz. Sheetz has a clue about providing people with healthy snack foods!!! I love Sheetz for that! So I’m not really eating too badly when I eat dried foods at home, although it’s not really enough to satisfy me.

But I did not go out to eat on Monday night. And I did not get up in the middle of the night to go anywhere, such as the laundromat. I just stayed in bed all night Monday into Tuesday, and then I stayed in bed all day Tuesday, too. I FINALLY got out of bed tonight to go to the laundromat, get some food, wash my uniforms, and play Terraria while plugged in and recharging my laptop and my phones.

The guy who didn’t get back to me, actually did get back to me. He wrote back today and said he’d asked his dad about whether it might be possible to rent a room to me.

During this time while I was waiting for his answer, it occurred to me that I should have asked Ann first. Ann is a former coworker, who is an ENFP dual, who happens to live RIGHT NEXT DOOR to Jesse’s house. She literally is only a few houses down. I could have asked her, but it didn’t occur to me. However, Jason has said it might be okay, but we need to meet and go over there and let me meet his dad and talk about it.

I’m hoping that I will learn some mechanical things by living in the house that produced several motorized bicycles. They have a few interests in common with me and I want to learn from them.

I could have gotten along well with Ann, though. Ann believes in healthy eating, and she also is a kind of paranoid conspiracy-theorist / slash prepper, expecting the end of society, although that’s a harsh way to describe it. We would have gotten along. But it didn’t occur to me to ask, and now Jason got back to me. So I’m going to go and build motorized flying bicycles with the Young Brothers, or something.

Tarragon and rosemary!

November 16, 2015

Weis didn’t have very many herbal pills. They had St. John’s Wort, but I didn’t really want that particular kind that they had. It’s technical. I also was hoping for maybe some other kind of ginseng. All they had was Korean, which I already have.

So, I didn’t buy any herbal drugs, but I bought some fresh singles packs of tarragon and rosemary. The thyme was all gone, but I think it might have been thyme that I was trying to remember recently, something about being used to prevent putrefaction in meat or something.

I’ve also tried sage, and I think that was the one that was an extreme diuretic, but I don’t remember for sure. It was a much stronger diuretic than caffeine, even – extremely strong.

Anyway, so it’s tarragon and rosemary for now. I might try a drug store to look for more varieties of stuff. I also bought some weird bizarre foods which I have no explanation for, some of which will probably be disgusting, such as the ‘greek yogurt covered craisins.’ I don’t like greek yogurt. It tastes like a big bowl of liquefied feta cheese.

I sort of want to try the Chinese ginseng again, and actually, if I could get fresh local ginseng from West Virginia, that might be nice to have, but I don’t know where to get it. I only know that my parents and the Johnsons were talking about people hunting for ginseng in the woods nearby, when we went out to eat together.

I’m going to do some herbal drugs soon. I don’t know which ones.

November 15, 2015

9:40 PM 11/15/2015

I have twenty minutes left until I punch out. My body hurts. I’m sick. I’m writing while waiting for 10:00.

I’m ready to go get some drugs. I need help but can’t get the right people to help me. I can get the wrong people to help me.

Okay, it’s 10:00, but somebody is late… so I’m staying a few extra minutes. Tonight is absolutely the wrong night for that.

I can’t really concentrate because I’m anxiously waiting to hear the beep in the other room, and if it beeps, I’ll have to jump up and go make an order.

Brittany, Jesse’s ex-girlfriend. She was on birth control pills. I saw her a few weeks ago. I bought her prom dresses from her, because I had actually wanted some kind of dress, and it felt like the right thing to do. I hugged her. We hung out and chatted for a while.

After hugging her, I got drug residues onto my skin and onto my work uniform, which I believe I have been reacting to for the past few weeks. I never have violent rages, but I have raged violently ever since I was exposed to the birth control pills, and I was having hot flashes too. When I was actually on the pill, briefly, as a teenager, I became violent and got in a fistfight on the bus, the only fight I have ever been in in my life (aside from family arguments and push-and-shove type fights with boyfriends).

The pill residues might explain my incident at Taco Bell, when I was sick. I have been having anger and rage that just escalates and won’t stop, and just keeps going and going and going.

Okay, the late guy just came in, so I’m punched out now. I can focus on blogging.

So yesterday I broke down and asked Jason if I could live with him. He actually had once offered to let me stay there, but I got the impression it was more like on an emergency basis, like for one day, or if something was wrong, or maybe if it was super bitter cold, or something. I actually asked him if I could rent a room for real, and stay longer. He didn’t answer yet (I wrote a message).

‘Not answering’ means no, which I was expecting. I’m thinking of alternatives, and I have some, but I do not want to go live with any of them. There are two guys who are trying to have a relationship with me, who I do not want to be with. I also don’t want to live with anyone who smokes or anyone who is using any prescription drugs. I don’t want to get horribly contaminated all over again, and go crazy again from drug residues from other people’s drugs.

I would like to buy a house, or a farm, or a woodland. If I buy a farm, then it will have contaminated soil, from the previous farmers, who would have used poison all over everything. I don’t want that. I’d rather have a mulch-filled woodland.

One of my coworkers bought a house recently. She’s the foreign lady who is really loud, annoying, pushy, and is always squealing loud high-pitched yells in other languages or with such a thick accent that nobody can understand what she’s saying. She drives everyone crazy (note, she won’t be working here anymore, she’s going to work at a different store, and she was overnight, so I never worked with her for very long anyway). She bought a house in Bellefonte. That’s why she’ll be working at another store, because she has a house but not a car, so she’ll be riding the bus from Bellefonte, and it’s easier to get to a different store that way.

If she’s able to buy a house on a McDonald’s income, then so can I, theoretically, but I don’t know how many years she slaved away to do it. You have to have some huge pre-payment thing, a down payment or whatever, which will be, like, $50,000 or something ridiculous like that, which will have to be in saved cash. So that means you have to work full time for like 10 years and save every penny you earn in order to merely even begin the process of buying a house.

I would want to own land, and not merely live in an RV or something, because I want to grow food and graze animals or chickens on the land.

I’m capable of surviving the winter, but I’m worried about Jacob. He refuses to get inside the sleeping bag if I’m not there. I do all sorts of things to prop it open so it’s like a tube, but he will only climb up on top of it, then sit there huddled and freezing all day long while I’m gone. It will get worse and worse as the weather gets colder. He only gets in the sleeping bag if I’m in there with him.

I actually tried very hard to slowly and carefully climb out of the bag, leaving him in there, but I bumped it or something and he instantly jumped out too, almost panicking. Anyway, he would never climb back into it after I was gone. I would have to build him something that he would be willing to get inside of.

I’m about ready to go buy some drugs. I don’t know what I will get. The level of my misery has reached that state of desperation. If Jason doesn’t ever answer, and I don’t expect him to, that means I have to do things I don’t want to do. I would have enjoyed living with him and his brother, because I would have gotten a motorized bike out of the deal – Eric made several motorized bikes, and I was going to get his help to make my own.

I was going to make one a couple years ago, after being inspired by Eric talking about it at work, but I was in the tent, and I bought the motor, then had to leave it sitting in the tent, and when I moved into an apartment, I had to temporarily abandon the tent with everything in it. While I was gone, bears ripped apart the tent and dragged things around in the woods nearby, and that includes the box that had the motor in it. So it got rained on. I just threw it away.

Since then, I’ve been unable to do it again due to many random factors, such as not having the money.

If I’m going to be battling other people’s transdermal drug residues affecting my mood, making me get enraged and crazy and having hot flashes and outbursts at work, which puts me at great risk of losing my job!, then I need a shower and a washing machine so that I can wash my skin off every single day, and wash my clothes repeatedly every time I am exposed to other people’s contamination. Even if Brittany stopped taking the birth control pills, she would have residues on her clothing, her car seats, and everything (I sat in the car with her, so I might have gotten it on my back and rear end too, in addition to giving her a hug).

I hate it when I have to tell other people that they’re contaminated. I have tried, once in a while, to sort of approach the subject, but it’s always something like tobacco, which people cannot stop using, or else it’s impossible to tell somebody, ‘Hey, guess what? You have to throw in the garbage everything you own, so that’s gonna be about a $30,000 decontamination you have to do there. Sorry about that!’

I have no belongings, even now, because of throwing everything away repeatedly. I’m much cleaner than I used to be, but now, I have to start all over, and since I’m in a tent and have no car, I can’t buy new things, and have no place to put them.

I need a workshop, so that I can do things with hardware and electrical things. I have no tools. I used to have some tools – I had only barely started collecting a few basic screwdrivers, in a set, but I threw it away for the decon.

I’m ready to take some drugs. I’m done. I’m gonna get an
antidepressant or else something, I don’t know what, something from the herbal section, something random. I have a tiny bit of St. John’s Wort left, but it didn’t work very much at all the last time I used it, because it’s been sitting around a long time. So I might buy pills.

This means that I could go even crazier in the next few days. However, I need to take action and make decisions and do something. Usually, however, the result of using drugs is: I spend EVEN MORE hours obsessively playing a video game, or obsessively blogging, OR, I write more ‘I love you’ letters to people who don’t want them.

But, I’m done. Not getting an answer right away from Jason means ‘no,’ and so, I have no place to stay, except with some guys who I don’t want relationships with. And Jesse’s family is useless – his mom refuses to speak to me when I send her messages, and she doesn’t want me to have an inappropriate relationship with her son – we had asked about me possibly living there and renting, and she told him no, it would enable us to continue having our sexual relationship.

I asked Jesse to marry me, just recently, during this hormone-induced insanity from the birth control pill residues, but he refuses to discuss it. So, I can’t do anything to fix our sinful, Satanic relationship to make his religious mom happy. Like I said, I’m done. I’m giving up on everybody. Nobody is going to help me, except people who I loathe and want nothing to do with. I’m going to go take some drugs, I don’t know what, something herbal from the store, maybe St. John’s Wort in a pill since I don’t really have any fresh herbs that are still working.

I’m sicker than usual today, I can barely move, and my body hurts, and even though I took ibuprofen, it hardly helped at all. I made it through my shift at work.

Oh, also, I suspect hopniss causes paralysis, just like all the legumes, just like the one that paralyzed Christopher McCandless. I was reading about that, and somebody wrote an article where he criticized the ‘poisonous plant fables’ phenomenon, where everyone is afraid to try foraging because they’ve heard of people dying from poisonous plants.

I partly agree, but partly disagree – my experience has been the exact opposite – people say things are safe, but I get horrible side effects from them. I handled the hopniss tubers, and my hands were burning afterwards, and I had some mild heart palpitations, indicating transdermal poison.

After that, I experienced mild paralysis, where it felt as though I wasn’t moving my arm because I was ‘lacking the desire’ to move my arm, but in reality, a ‘lack of desire’ is actually paralysis. ‘Lack of desire’ and ‘paralysis’ feel the same and are the same thing. This makes me speculate that brain disorders, such as depression, might actually be mild paralysis. I have been more fatigued than usual ever since that day, and since I can’t shower every day, all contamination lingers much longer than it otherwise would.

The reason why I sort of agree with the guy who wrote the criticism of the ‘poisonous plant fables’ is because I *do* believe in learning how to forage for wild plants, and yeah, it was ridiculous the example he gave, where he and a bunch of people were eating serviceberries while a guy stood there saying, ‘Those berries are gonna poison you!’ When you can clearly and easily identify a familiar food that you’ve eaten before, then it’s okay.

However, there are things like hopniss, where they say it was a Native American staple food, but it causes extremely severe explosive vomiting and diarrhea for some people who eat it. I tried jicama, and felt electrical shocks inside my intestines, so I know it isn’t merely the inulin fiber. It’s a pesticide, a poison, a natural plant toxin made to kill bugs and animals that try to eat it. I will try sun drying them to see if that destroys the poison, because that particular poison is said to decay in sunlight.

So it’s possible that hopniss paralyzes everything that touches the tubers. That’s what I would do if I were a plant that was making these big, wealthy, high calorie stores of energy that everybody would want to steal.

But I’m done. I can’t get any help. Asking Jason for help was the last straw. He didn’t answer, which means he is incapable of discussing it and incapable of saying ‘no’ because he doesn’t want to hurt me. I’m going to go to the store and I’m going to get some drugs, I don’t know what yet, maybe SJW, maybe some other random herbal drug. I will go crazy while I’m taking them, but I might be empowered just enough to make some changes and decisions, all by myself without any help from anyone.

I want the right kind of help. I want help from my ‘socionic house,’ and I want it to be Anaya. I have been thinking of the Anaya religion lately, and socionic houses. ‘Houses’ are something I made up (the voices made it up, actually), where you divide the 16 personality types into 8 groups instead of 4, because the conflict between opposite sides of the quadra is so bad that you can’t group them together. I passionately hate the evil morons on the opposite side of the Delta quadra, the ESTJS, the mirror relation – mirror relations are the worst of the four within the quadra, and I know a lot of ESTJs who are evil, insane, stupid morons, such as my former landlady who wanted to neuter Max. I’ve seen evil ESTJs so often that I don’t want to include them in a group with myself. They are the enemy.

So I’m happy to divide the socion into eight groups instead of four. They were called ‘houses’ like in Hogwarts, basically. Your ‘house’ includes yourself and your duals, and that’s all.

Hormones force people to say prayers to God a lot more than they normally would, which is the reason why Judith Swack is the way she is. She’s taking synthetic hormones – she told me she was, on the phone, when I did therapy with her. As a result, she has all these crazy God-beliefs.

Hormone residues are making me pray more often, but I cannot pray to the Christian God, because the Christian God is my arch enemy, my Satan. I can only pray to Anaya, a made-up god which is composed of a dual pair from the 8th house, the ISTP and the ENFP, who share all of my beliefs and values and are able to represent me, unlike any other god.

So I’ve been praying for Anaya to save me. The reason Anaya doesn’t intervene isn’t the same as the reason why the evil Christian god doesn’t intervene. The evil Christian god doesn’t intervene, because he has some top secret ultimate plan for you, which involves your suffering. You’re supposed to suffer to fulfill God’s evil secret plan for you, and you’re not allowed to know the reasons why God has planned for you to suffer. That’s evil and I can’t relate to that, and I have no desire to pray to a god who would do that to me.

So the invented God-dual Anaya is different. Anaya doesn’t intervene, because Anaya doesn’t have enough resources yet to safely intervene without being attacked, destroyed, or enslaved by the evil mind control system enveloping our planet. Anaya would love to physically intervene and save people in a physical, practical, material way, but doing such a thing would require a lot of material wealth and power, and it would require the ability to destroy any armies and any governments that would attack the intervening god.

There has to always be some rationale for why your god sits around and does nothing to help you while you pray to it. Christians love the idea that their evil god is making secret plans that require them to suffer for an entire lifetime to eventually get some reward, but I don’t like that idea and can’t love a god that would do that to me. So my own god fails to rescue me merely because it’s lacking the material resources to do so safely. That’s a much nicer god. It almost sounds human.

I know Jesse is useless to me too – he will never marry me, he will never have children with me, and he’ll probably sign up for the army again immediately after his contract runs out, and I won’t be able to convince him not to. I have nothing and nobody. So I’m gonna do some drugs now. As soon as I get out of here tonight, I’m going over to the grocery store and I’m going to buy some drugs. I don’t know what it will be yet. Or maybe CVS or Rite Aid or something if they’re open, since they’ll have a wider variety. I’ll try something random that makes me go sick and crazy for a couple days, but doesn’t actually help me very much, which is what normally happens when I do herbal drugs.

I just need to change something. All of my life is lost. I was just about to start making some progress again, doing projects, when the evil bitch Mary Jo threw me out, shortly after we argued about Max not being neutered, when she heard somebody down the street say that there was some female cat who was having kittens. I don’t believe in neutering animals.

But I was JUST ABOUT to start doing some projects, right in the middle of summer, the moment when she threw me out. Summer is when I feel best, and have the best chance of starting productive projects. So I really had a chance, and she ruined it. And Max is dead now because of that evil fucking bitch.

And she was in my socionic quadra, a mirror relation, an ESTJ, and so, when the intentional community is built, it will be divided into eight houses rather than four quadras, because the hatred across the quadras, between the judgers and the perceivers, is too great of a divide. They are not allies, they are mortal enemies who view each other as absolute evil.

The only reason I can’t build a society with nothing but ISTPs and ENFPs together is because I have heard many anecdotes of people giving birth to children from random quadras that have no connection to the parents. So I cannot guarantee that all of our children will be the same types as the parents. They will need a safe place to go, so the rest of the community must have the remaining seven houses for them to go into, if they happen to have random types at birth. I don’t believe the types are completely random, but they might not be 100% inherited. I *do* tend to see similar types in families, based on my own observations. My brother, father, and I are all ISTP. My mom is ESTJ (mirror relation). Eric and Jason from McD are both ISTP, and they’re brothers. The two sisters, Sarah and Rachel, at McD, are both ESTJ. This is greater than random chance, but it still might not be guaranteed.

So, if I want to make sure my children have a safe place to go, then I will need to build the entire community with all eight socionic houses, instead of merely building something that only allows ISTPs and ENFPs.

This is what I’ve been fantasizing about, during the last few weeks of misery, sickness, rage, fatigue, and suspected transdermal birth control pill residues on my skin and clothes.

The eight socionic houses are not the same thing as Anaya, but they are connected. Anaya is only the 8th house, the nobility, the people who have chosen to live by higher standards, which I have written. All the other seven houses could have their own gods and their own nobility if they wanted to create them, but it is not my
responsibility to create their gods and their religions and their nobility for them. I can only do that for myself and my socionic house.

So, there are the Anaya nobles, and then there are the mainstreamers of the eighth house, and these are two separate things. The eighth house includes anybody who is an ISTP or an ENFP, with no other standards besides that. Anaya, however, is exclusive – it has all these rules you have to live by, in addition to requiring you to come from the eighth house.

In the community, the eight houses meet at the center, where they can mix with people of other types and learn from them. The places where they live are only with their identicals and duals.

I’m gonna go get some more drugs and go even crazier now. If I can muster up the energy to go shopping. I’m so tired I don’t even want to stand up and walk out. Which random drugs will I get? I have no idea, I’ll just decide when I see them. So, I’ll be even more insane for the next couple days as I’ll be taking some herbal drugs to help me cope with trauma, help me make decisions, help me take actions and do something. I don’t have Anaya to rescue me, because this imaginary god-duality doesn’t have the resources to reach in and swoop down and rescue me and all of my fellow sufferers.

Also, I need a shield. The mind control has been much more hostile and aggressive and abusive than usual.

I pulled out the super-strong forbidden caffeine pills

November 8, 2015

I had a different generic brand of caffeine pills from Rite-Aid, which were actually stronger and more effective, but had worse side effects, such as pain in my hips. I didn’t know I still had that bottle. I just happened to find it, so I’ve been taking the super-strong caffeine pills the last couple days. So, I am probably insane and delusional. I’ve been doing things that will only happen when I am caffeinated, such as organizing things that are usually a mess.

I’m also thinking of a way that I could gradually cut back on caffeine, but it will require a strict, rigid schedule, and it will require some infrastructure. I will need, perhaps, a way to cut the pills – they sell pill cutters. However, caffeine pills become ineffective when they are broken. I don’t know if it oxidizes, or if it is something volatile that evaporates. The pills stay freshest when they are in individual foil bump packages, where you press the pill through the foil on the other side.

The pills are starting to not work anymore, now that I’ve been taking them for a couple days. I took half a pill this morning, then laid back down in bed and still had no desire to get up. I even went to bed ‘early,’ early for me – I left my laptop at home so I could not play Terraria after work, so I went home directly from work at 10:00pm last night.

I would make a rigid plan in advance of how much caffeine I would use, and in what form, and when, and I would know exactly how much I was using every day. I would pay attention to cravings and find a way to work them in somehow, into the plan. I don’t usually quit that way – I just go cold turkey. But doing it gradually might work better – I would not spend weeks and weeks just lying in bed sleeping while I quit. I would still be slightly functional for the whole time I was quitting.

The only way I can plan this is while I am caffeinated. I can’t make such a plan while uncaffeinated. So the plan will have to be written during the time while I am still caffeinated, and then I will have to just obey the plan while I am decaffeinating. ‘Writing a detailed plan for how to quit caffeine’ is something that a caffeine-free brain isn’t able to do.

Wait… Is that a j/p switched INFP, which is actually a mistyped INFJ???????

November 4, 2015

I don’t know how to make that smiley face.

– –

You know, the blank face. 😐

I hate the j/p switch. I hate it passionately. I hate Dario Nardi for continuing to use the j/p switch to mistype people, even though he CAN SEE ON HIS FUCKING COMPUTER THAT THEY ARE USING THE ‘JUDGING’ OR ‘PERCEIVING’ AREA OF THEIR BRAIN, never mind, don’t get me started.

So, could John Lennon be an INFJ who is being mistakenly labeled as an INFP due to the j/p switch for introverts? I don’t know. ARGH

John Lennon’s personality type

November 4, 2015

I just googled it again, and ‘somebody somewhere’ said that he was an INFP, not an ENFP. I wasn’t sure. Again, as I mentioned, I actually didn’t like several of the songs that he wrote. I would need to watch some interviews to see how he talked, to try to get an impression of his personality type, because I don’t have enough knowledge of him to have an opinion of it. I just remember that ‘somebody somewhere else’ once said ENFP, too.

Junk food companies losing revenues? That’s weird – is it ‘revenue from investments????’

November 4, 2015

I was reading Mercola again – I have several RSS feeds, but the Mercola articles are the one that I am most likely to read, when I get on the internet – and the article mentioned that some junk food companies have declining revenues, like Coca-Cola. That seems really weird to me. Are their revenues really declining because consumers are making better choices? Or are they losing revenues from some other source, such as ‘revenues from investments,’ which is what large corporations do with some of their money – they invest it in the stock market and in other companies? It seems weird that people would change their lifestyles enough to actually cause a drop in sales of Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola is so addictive that few people ever stop drinking it, enough to cause declining revenues for the company. Maybe there is an economic collapse going on, and all the junk food companies are getting fewer revenues from all their stock market investments, and that’s why they have losses, and they’re not talking about it. I’m cynical about the public’s ability to stop drinking Coca-Cola enough to make them lose revenues, but I guess maybe it’s possible. It just seems weird that it’s happening to several different junk food companies at the same time. It seems unlikely that health and sanity could actually be winning this battle. I’m inclined to think there are more cynical reasons for their losses of revenue.

Extremely long rant. Feeling despair lately. Many topics which I have forgotten since I wrote it a couple hours ago and I’m at the wifi now. Using the f-word a bunch of times to talk about how passionately I hate automatic faucets, and how much I hate Beaver Butt Flavoring added to my coconut water.

November 4, 2015

11:55 AM 11/4/2015

This is going to be a depressing blog post, but I wanted to tell everyone that I am NOT suicidal, so I don’t want anyone calling the cops and having me thrown in the mental hospital. I just want to talk about my horrible feelings of despair and hopelessness that I am having right now.

I haven’t had any caffeine pills because I ran out of them and haven’t bought any more yet, but I just had a little bit of coffee, made from the Cafe Bustelo instant espresso powder, which is the only kind of instant coffee that I can get from Weis that I like. Other kinds of instant coffee upset my stomach – there is an unknown substance in Folger’s in particular, I think is the one. Whichever one is in the bright red container. Yes, that’s Folger’s. Maxwell House, the blue one, is not as bad. And no, it isn’t a psychological effect of the colors red and blue, either.

I had no idea what was going on, but years ago, when I first started drinking coffee, I was drinking these Folger’s quick coffee packet things, where you put a teabag-like thing into a cup of water and microwave it, and I was so sick, constantly, and could not eat at all, and didn’t know what was going on, but the exact same thing happened again a few years ago when I tried Folger’s again.

The only reason I found out what was going on was because in the year 2000, I think, or maybe 2001, I decided to try the Feingold Diet again. I hadn’t officially used it since I was a baby, when my parents put me on it for hyperactivity (and it worked great). I quit coffee, because coffee contains natural salicylate, and when I quit coffee, my stomach problem went away. Afterwards, I eventually started drinking different kinds of coffee again, but not that kind, and I had no stomach problems, so I continued drinking coffee for the rest of my life, and lived happily ever after. (That is sarcasm. I have constantly wanted to quit coffee all this time.)

There are actually so many things I have to say, I don’t think I’ll be able to think of them all.

Anyway, some of the despair I am feeling is because I ran out of the Vivarin pills and have been using much less caffeine as a result. But at the same time, the despair is a real feeling. It’s hard to explain. There are times when I have moods that are caused by something, such as drug withdrawal, but yet, the emotion is based on real events and has real causes which are understandable. A psychologist would not understand if I said my mood was caused by some food that I ate, or some drug residue that I touched that went through my skin, but I would be able to say something like ‘I’m lonely and I have no husband,’ and they would understand. Both perspectives are true.

I don’t even know where to start.

I think there is still a toxic substance in the air at McDonald’s, but I don’t know what it is. It causes short term memory loss, and I am not the only one suffering from it. Other coworkers keep going back into the stockroom and saying, ‘What did I come back here for?’ It’s funny when it happens, but yet, it keeps happening, to me, and everyone. You walk into a room and have absolutely no idea at all what you went there for, because your brain is being mildly poisoned by an unknown substance in the air. Indoor air quality. I don’t know if the CO2 is leaking again, or what.

I play Terraria for extreme lengths of time, as a substitute for sleep. If I were not using caffeine, I would be sleeping. I still have the unsolved problem of chronic fatigue syndrome, and it takes a very long time to completely withdraw from caffeine. One day of withdrawal is not enough. People on the internet who have quit completely forever, and also myself from my own experience, have said that it took them about a month to really be completely free of it. Maybe even longer than a month. I myself notice drastic changes in 24 hours, but that doesn’t mean I’m completely withdrawn. My brain will have to heal for about a month, and regrow all of the things that have been suppressed and destroyed by caffeine for all these years.

Playing Terraria is like being asleep while I’m awake. I would either be in bed doing nothing, or awake and overcaffeinated and doing something that is entertaining but unproductive, for extreme lengths of time. The other day I went to the laundromat at, I dunno, sometime in the evening around dinnertime, like 6:00pm or something. I stayed there, after I did the laundry, until about 4:00am.

I was awake all night long playing Terraria with my computer plugged in, drinking soda (which made my cavities hurt for days) and eating food from the restaurant next door, a pizza and wings place, where the guy who made my food and took my money had a facial expression exactly like an ‘anonymous’ Guy Fawkes mask, except it was his real face. He was something foreign. I don’t know what language they were speaking. He looked sort of Spanish-y. The guy was actually good looking and pleasant. I don’t mean to imply that he was scary or creepy with the anonymous face. He had a sort of pleasant dignity. He reminded me of one of the evil monsters who attended the dinner at the very end of ‘The Polar Bear King,’ where there was this one evil guy who had some kind of manner a lot like this guy.

(‘The Polar Bear King’ is one of the movies that I absolutely love, but if you ever watch it, you have to tolerate the special effects, flashing lights and sparks and things, representing magic, because the movie is great in spite of having low budget effects. I just know some people would make fun of the bad special effects and ignore the other things, such as the beautiful music, that I love.)

I’m just trying to explain that it doesn’t matter if I use caffeine or not. If I don’t use caffeine, then I will go into withdrawal, and I will spend several weeks sleeping. I will slow down, and it might be a problem at McDonald’s, especially if a toxic substance is in the air. I have found that when I withdraw from caffeine, I do start to wake up again, gradually, and, surprisingly, I start to get up *earlier* in the morning, all by myself! That is what I observed last time I quit. It’s actually harder for me to get up in the morning when I am using caffeine, then crashing, every day.

However, it is true that I will spend a huge amount of time sleeping when I quit, and I don’t know how long that phase will last. I had chronic fatigue syndrome starting in my teens. I think it was whenever my mom was poisoning the entire house with a whole bunch of pesticides and other chemicals, such as the brown colored stain that we painted on the wood of the house. I am not blaming her – she did not know about these chemicals being toxic, and neither did anybody else. It’s just that some people’s reactions to them are much worse than other people’s. Some people don’t get sick at all, some people get mildly sick but are still able to function, and then there are people like me who are totally and hopelessly incapacitated by them.

So for all I know, I might still be exactly like that, sleeping all the time, every day, forever, even after I have quit caffeine completely for months and can no longer describe it as the withdrawal phase. I would have to describe it as ‘going back to normal.’ I do not know what a drug-free normal is for me anymore, because I have been almost constantly on caffeine since, I dunno, 1998 or something.

The voices in my head were asking me to explain my caffeine policy, why it mattered to me, what it meant to me. I was lying in bed thinking about this the other day. In my early twenties, when I was in college, I extended my drug-free rule to include caffeine and chocolate and tea.

My brother and I had vowed to never drink alcohol. This was something we swore when we were very young, and we both kept that promise. I have had tiny sips of it here and there, and I think he has had a small amount of it also, but neither of us drink a lot regularly, and neither of us became alcoholics.

So I already had a rule that said ‘no drinking.’ I also did not smoke. But for most people, drinking caffeine is okay.

I decided in college that I would quit everything, all drugs, anything at all that influenced my brain. I stopped eating chocolate. Since I did not drink soda or coffee at all back then, I did not have to quit them. Chocolate, and sometimes tea, were my only sources of caffeine. Then I observed other substances that affected my mind. I would eat the Pepperidge Farm ginger man cookies, and I observed that ginger made my brain smarter temporarily. I would think differently, get smarter ideas, and write better, after eating the ginger cookies. So, ginger also became forbidden.

The idea back then was that using a drug that helped your brain work better was ‘cheating.’ It was ‘not really you.’ It was a fake person.

I wanted to be free of anything that made my brain different from what it was supposed to be. I still feel that way today. I still always observe that some drug or food or substance has caused my mood and behavior and thinking style to be different from what it normally is, and I always talk about these things in my blog.

Back then I did not know about electronic mind control, but at the same time, I was not the sort of skeptic who actively opposed the idea of it, either. I tolerated discussions of paranormal things, even if I had no explanation for them. I was an atheist, but I also had fantasies or beliefs that there might be ghosts or demons or something from another realm, and when I was younger, I wrote stories about these things.

Now that I know about electronic mind control, I know that something is making me be a fake person, other than just drugs. Something is making me be not who I am.

My torture is much, much less than that of other victims who I read about on the internet. Somebody from a facebook forum was in a lot of distress recently, thinking that she was going to be kidnapped or killed. There is nothing I can do for her. I’m in a couple of facebook forums for electronic harassment and targeted individuals, but I don’t write in them much for various reasons. The last time I wrote in one was just before Max was forced to get rabies by a puppet animal who was forced to approach him and fight with him, so that I myself would get rabies as a result, and the voices and other harassment just before this happened is what convinced me that it was a deliberate attack and not an accident.

However, even though my torture is less than that of many other victims, I still am incapacitated just as effectively. I am a threat to nobody. I can’t even think a thought. I can’t even decide anything. I was trying just recently to make a decision about my life, to get a deep understanding of why everything had failed, of why there had been absolutely no progress of any kind at all for this entire year, and also for all of last year, no progress in any realm at all, no money saved up for anything, no new skills, no job skills, nothing that would increase my ability to earn more money in the future, no skills for any hobbies that I want to know how to do, no primitive skills in the realm of sticks and stones and mud and leaves in the outdoors – I tried to start building a stick house, but my chronic fatigue, and my work hours, have made it hard to do.

Just that one simple achievement – it’s exactly like Real World Terraria – ‘No Hobo’ is the joking name for the achievement when you build a house for the first time, which comes from the phrase ‘no homo,’ which guys use if they give another guy a compliment or express affection for him, but they don’t want it to be seen as sexual attraction. Like, ‘Your shirt looks great! No homo.’ I just want to build myself a house for the first time, out of sticks and mud and rocks and leaves and any natural substances found in the woods, locally.

Tree bark. Jacob loves the pile of tree bark. When I was collecting sticks in the beginning, I also collected a pile of tree bark from a dead tree, intending to use it as some kind of insulation. I recently saw a photo of a Native American tent or wigwam or whatever it would be called, which was made with sticks and then covered with white bark, birch bark I guess. I had thought the bark might have insulating properties. Cork is a type of bark, and it’s full of little bubbles of air, which act as insulation. So maybe all types of bark have some kind of insulation made of air bubbles, just maybe not as much as the cork tree does. I’d have to google this to describe in detail how cork bark works, and I might be explaining it wrong, but I’m pretty sure it’s bubbles of air.

So my pile of tree bark is still lying out there in a pile, and I keep seeing Jacob lying on it in the sun. Whatever it is, it works well enough for a cat to lie on.

But my feeling of despair.

It kind of started around the time that we had all this rain recently. Several things happened at once. It could have been a coincidence, or it could have been hacking, but I lost one of my Terraria characters, a softcore character that wasn’t supposed to permanently die. I also lost the entire world she was in. I was playing the game on my computer when it wasn’t plugged in. What happens is, the battery runs out, but the comptuer shuts itself down and hibernates *before* the battery actually runs out. You can turn the computer back on again afterwards, and it actually has enough battery left in reality that you can keep on using it for a very long time afterwards, sometimes even an hour or two, with the little battery warning down there in the corner saying the battery is at zero percent with a little red X over it the whole time.

So I was doing that. So far, nothing bad had ever happened. When the battery would die for real at the very end, I never lost anything in Terraria. Terraria auto-saves itself the whole time that you are playing. I don’t know why, but for some reason this one time recently, after the battery shut off, I lost that character
permanently and the whole world she was in. I still see it showing up in the list of characters and worlds, but it’s messed up and nothing is there and I can’t actually open it up and play it.

No big deal, really, I just started working on another character and started all over from the beginning, and I did it faster this time because I knew exactly what needed to be done. I had learned all about playing the game from the first character. I started a couple other random characters for no reason, just because I didn’t know what I was doing or how anything worked, and so I just picked one of them and started using it.

I actually was not very upset about losing that character and that world in the game. It really was more of a practice character anyway, where I learned everything.

This happened at the same time that I was worried about losing myself, from the one and only danger that I really fear when camping in the woods, which Jared Diamond mentioned in one of his books that I read about primitive tribes. Falling trees.

There have been no falling trees up until now. This particular place in Walnut Springs Park is totally different from the place where I was camping on Mt. Nittany. At that place on Mt. Nittany, I knew from the beginning that falling trees would be a serious danger. When I went up there to look for a camping spot, I could see that there were a lot of dead trees still standing, and a lot of fallen trees on the ground, and I carefully chose a spot that was far away from any dead looking trees still standing. It was always a particular kind of pine tree, which I found out is called ‘Virginia Pine’ or something like that, and it has a very short lifespan for a tree, something like only fifty years. I read about it. I might have that number wrong, but I noticed it was an extremely short life. Many trees can live a thousand years or two thousand years or more. We just don’t let them.

Jared Diamond thought it was silly when he first encountered tribes that were afraid of falling trees. Maybe they exaggerated the danger – I understand – it was probably socionics. I can totally imagine my superego type exaggerating the danger beyond all realistic
proportions, the same way they exaggerate ALL dangers to insane proportions, with their germ phobias and body dysmorphic disorders and everything else that I get into conflicts with them about – in the workplace and in forums online.

(Note, if any of my superego types are reading this, I know there are many that I get along well with most of the time. These arguments do not happen constantly, they only happen if we are 1. working together at a job where we have to follow rules that are handed down to us from authorities above us, in which case I myself will want to ignore the rules, while the IEI superego will want to painstakingly follow each and every rule to the letter, causing huge arguments between us once in a while, or 2. if I try to argue about particular topics online, which also doesn’t happen very often but has happened in the past.)

So I can imagine that maybe the first person who told Jared Diamond that he was in danger from a falling tree might have exaggerated the danger so greatly that it seemed ridiculous. Jared Diamond had camped next to a very large, huge, dead tree, and the natives had freaked out about it.

In reality, it is possible to mitigate the danger. You can do things such as sleep on one particular side of the tree, if you look at the tree and you can tell which way it’s going to fall, based on its shape and how it is balancing. The size of the tree also matters. If the tree is very huge (like the one Jared Diamond camped next to, based on his description of what happened), it is less likely to fall. A huge, strong, solid tree can be dead but remain standing for an extremely long time. The ones more likely to fall are actually the smaller, thinner trees, which rot faster and have less support. The bigger the tree is, the more structural support it has while it is rotting, and it can rot for a very long time and still have enough strength to remain standing. But a smaller tree can get rotted all the way through rather quickly, so those are more likely to fall during any given period of time.

But Jared Diamond said that eventually he understood that falling trees were, in fact, a very real threat in the woods. The natives said they knew people who had died from trees that fell on their tents and houses.

I have observed that the trees fall when it’s RAINING. You’d imagine that they would fall because it was really windy, but I actually saw a lot of days when the wind was blowing like crazy, and not a single tree fell, because it was dry. When it rains for days and days, however, the trees start falling. My theory is that the rotten, dead trees soak up a whole bunch of water and become so heavy they break. There can be no wind at all. The air can be perfectly still and motionless, but trees will fall one after another because they are wet and heavy.

So this finally happened not long ago here at Walnut Springs. I’d had total silence, peace, and safety, all these weeks while camping here since August or whenever I came here. (Note, it is not actually silent – I am close to a highway and I hear all the cars. I just mean, silence with regard to falling trees.) I saw very few fallen trees lying on the ground. When it rained, I heard no trees falling. But last time it rained for days and days, I finally heard them starting to fall. I heard only two trees fall. On Mt. Nittany, I heard more trees than that. I was terrified one night when I heard, I swear, about SEVEN falling trees in one night. I might be
exaggerating that number, but it was something like that.

China has a two child policy now, but it is not much better than a one child policy. What I want to see is a ten child policy or a twelve child policy (since I like dozenal counting systems), where you are *required* to have twelve children or pay a fine. Anyway, ironically, I myself am suffering from a zero child policy here in the United States, where my life is being ruined so badly and so hopelessly that I will never have children. I am 41 and I have to tell about the strange symptoms I’ve had since I went to West Virginia.

So, that little interruption came from a random thought process I had when I got up to go to the bathroom. I don’t remember where that thought process came from.

When I heard the two trees fall during the rain, I became scared and insecure again, and I added things to my to-do list, mentally, that are going to be impossible for me to do, and there is suddenly a lot of pressure for me to do them, urgently. When I am scared for my life, my priorities change.

I looked around at the trees near me to really make sure none of them were dead, but since it’s the fall and a lot of the leaves are gone, it’s harder for me to be sure. All the trees have no leaves! It’s easier to see a dead pine tree, because their needles are supposed to be green all the time, and you see a tree that obviously has brown needles and it’s dead. Not so with deciduous trees!

I really don’t remember seeing any dead trees when they had leaves on them, and none of them look like the bark is soft and rotten, but then again, EVERYTHING looks soft and rotten around here, because there is a huge amount of moisture all the time, there is green lichen growing on all the tree bark everywhere even when the trees are alive, the ground is always wet and always filled with so many earthworms that all you have to do is barely scrape the surface and you will turn up half a dozen worms in an instant…

(and the voices recently suggested that I should start raising wild chickens here. I took St. John’s Wort, and when I use
antidepressants, I become able to hear the voices perfectly clearly, whereas normally I can’t hear them or they sound like static.)

So everything looks wet and rotten all the time, because these are walnut trees, and the park is full of natural springs, and it’s a wetland. It’s hard to say that one particular tree looks wetter, softer, and more lichen-covered than another tree.

When I was on Mt. Nittany, one time, I decided that I would try to tie ropes between the trees in such a way that if a tree fell towards my tent, it would catch in the ropes. This is actually a great idea and it would work, if you had enough ropes and if you were able to get them strung up in the right place, in the right way. There is nothing wrong with the idea.

However, a single person all by herself, a short, weak woman with chronic fatigue syndrome, cannot even string one single rope between two trees effectively. I could not string it in the right direction in the right way, in such a way that it would support the weight of a falling tree. It tangled in the branches when I threw it. I could not even make the rope stay tied around the rock I was throwing. I did not have the tools to do this. I also was not buying more ready-made tools, because I was decontaminating at the time, and I contaminated all the soil up where I was camping on Mt. Nittany, so I did not want to buy more possessions that would get ruined and would have to be destroyed again.

There are things that seem like they would be easy to do, and they would work great, but I am too exhausted to do them. My body starts to feel overwhelming pain and frustration from even a few small failures. If only I could keep going and keep trying, I know that I would succeed. I can do that easily in a video game where my body feels no physical pain.

So I already knew that approach would be hard to do. It might be easier to do that in this location because of the way the trees are. The trees are sparser, though, and more widely spaced, which means that ropes strung between the trees would be weaker. The longer the rope is, the more it will bend down when a tree falls on it. It has to be super tight and have no slack, and it has to be strung only a short distance between trees that are close together. So it would be easier for me to throw the rock without it tangling the rope in anything, because there is more space, but I’d have to intertangle a whole bunch of ropes to make them strong enough to hold up a falling tree. It would take weeks, or months, or years to string up enough ropes, when I have chronic fatigue, I am continuing to work at my jobs, I have despair and distractions and other things going on so that I don’t focus on this task all the time, and so on.

So that was one reason for despair. I felt that my life was in danger, but I could not do anything to protect myself, except move out of the woods into an apartment. I hate the idea of being forced to leave here, when it *could* work out if only I would do the right things.

I could also build a stronger house. If the house were strong enough that it would not be crushed by a falling tree, that is a good solution. It only has to resist the tree long enough for me to escape. I’ll notice that a tree fell on my house if I’m inside it when it happens, and I only need a few extra seconds to get out the door, and also to make sure that Jacob is out. I don’t care so much if it collapses a few minutes later after I get out. I just don’t want to die. It’s okay if I have to then salvage my belongings from underneath a fallen tree. That is not the end of the world. So, the criteria are low – the house only has to be just barely strong enough that it won’t collapse *instantly* under a falling tree, the way a tent would.

Again, like the video game, there would be numbers that represent this. The tent is an armor class 1. It’s barely more than a piece of fabric between you and the world. Those little sticks that hold the tent up are made out of this horrible, brittle, lightweight plastic stuff that snaps in half if you even look at it the wrong way, and I know because it has happened to me quite a few times. I’ve had a lot of tents.

Note, I was reading recently about osteoporosis. People are misunderstanding it when they think that all you have to do is increase your bone density, and that the way to do this is by taking drugs that increase bone density. Bone density is not the most important thing. The bone must be FLEXIBLE and it must be able to STRETCH. If bone density is the only thing that matters, that implies that ‘crushing’ is the one and only thing that happens during a break. When a bone breaks, one side of the bone is being crushed (and therefore, needs ‘density’), but the OPPOSITE SIDE of the bone is being STRETCHED, and so it needs stretchability and flexibility. Ideally, on the ‘dense’ side that’s being crushed, it would be nice if the tissues were sort of slippery over themselves, so that they would slip and slide off sideways out from underneath the crushing forces, without damaging the tissues, and with all the fibers remaining intact.

Those little tent poles are made to be lightweight. They only bend a little bit, and you have to bend them to force them through the fabric tubes of the tent. But if you bend them just a tiny bit too much, they snap instantly. It happened to the ‘avant garde’ tent, the one that I hated the design of, even though there was NO WEIGHT AT ALL on top of the tent. It happened spontaneously for no reason. I just went and looked at it one day and it was broken. It also happened to my normal tents on Mt. Nittany whenever it snowed in the wintertime and snow piled up on top of them. That was what finally snapped the supports.

So anyway, the stick house has to be strong enough that it won’t be crushed *instantly* by a falling tree, but allows me enough time to get out from underneath it, and then it’s okay if it collapses afterwards a minute later. That is the minimum criteria for my stick house. I believe that I can do this for real, if I stack up enough sticks in the right way and if the sticks are of good enough quality.

Most of my sticks are ‘rotten chunks’ (‘rotten chunk’ is what you get when you kill Soul Eaters in Terraria). I do not intend for those rotten sticks to support all the weight. The weight will have to be supported by sticks that are fresh.

I found one small tree that had fallen, which was so fresh it still had lots of leaves attached to it. But it took so much energy to drag it up to my pile, I was unable to do any work afterwards. Mostly, I can’t drag it because it tangles with the bushes. That’s why I’m collecting my sticks from around the paths, and not from the woods themselves anymore. It’s too hard to walk around through all these bushes. But I can easily carry large sticks down the path. I only do this at night, usually, but I did it in the daytime recently and ended up talking to, or being seen by, several people who were walking on the path, because this is a public park. I don’t want people seeing me, knowing that I’m here, thinking it’s unusual that I’m a woman in the woods carrying big giant sticks down the path.

There is a stick house which somebody else made a long time ago, in the middle of the creek, right next to where I am. That is the landmark of my place. I am on the opposite side of the path from that stick house. That stick house has been there a very, very long time, because I remember finding it in the early 2000s, maybe 2003, when I was on Prozac and I wanted to kill the peeping tom. I had a machete, and I went into the woods with the machete, and I discovered that the peeping tom had a pathway which went around to all of the houses in this entire area. The peeping tom was leaving glass beer bottles underneath all of the bushes that he was hiding behind. During that walk, I also discovered that somebody built this stick house here in Walnut Springs Park, right next to the trail. (I’m not saying it was the same guy. I just happened to discover the stick house at the same time as I was walking the path of the peeping tom around the area.)

Nobody believed me whenever I told them that there was a peeping tom who was harassing me by sending me email messages with modified pictures of people who looked exactly like me, but weren’t me. They said I was delusional. This person was wasting his time using facial recognition software to find photographs of women who looked exactly like me, but were not me, and modifying them and then sending them to me in fake spam letters, showing things that I was doing in my house.

I proved that there was a peeping tom for real when I went out in the woods and found that path he was walking on, and all the beer bottles under the bushes. But my court case was a fiasco, I was deceived into pleading guilty, I had chosen for some reason to hire my own lawyer rather than taking the one the government would have given me, and for some reason, I think Ray Gricar was involved in my case, or would have been involved if I had not hired my own lawyer, and Ray Gricar was murdered because he started investigating the Penn State Pedophiles. Yes, all three words have capital letters, as though it is an official organization. I didn’t know Ray Gricar was murdered because he was investigating the Penn State Pedophiles, but one of my coworkers recently was talking about the movie ‘Happy Valley,’ and so I heard about this. I deliberately avoided reading any of the news, or watching any of the news on TV, whenever that was going on.

Another coworker of mine, the one who I mistyped as SLE, then sEE, and then finally I considered that he might even be EII (a very weird progression of types), told me he was molested in the Boy Scouts, but didn’t get therapy for it, and it all came out whenever he saw the stuff on the news about the Penn State Pedophiles. He said now, they’re going after the Boy Scouts.

That’s a shame, because I actually LIKE the Boy Scouts. I wanted to be one, and I didn’t want to be a Girl Scout, because the Girl Scouts are pathetic and they don’t learn any of the things that the Boy Scouts learn. You know, you learn how to start a fire without using any matches, and that kind of thing. Earning all your achievements as an Eagle Scout is a very admirable thing.

I believe that the Scouts should continue all the way into adulthood, and that you should be able to join them when you are a 41 year old woman, like myself, and they will have achievements that are appropriate for 41 year old women. I want to join them and say, ‘I’ve lived my whole life as a domesticated animal, and I want to learn how to survive again,’ and they’ll teach me how to make fire with sticks.

But instead, it’s just a bunch of pedophiles, finding ways to attract children by doing things that are actually interesting, worthwhile, and valuable. Nobody cares about making a group of scouts that will train 41 year old women how to make fire without matches.

Imagine taking it all the way up to the nursing home, teaching elderly people how to survive, elderly people who have lived their entire lives as a domesticated animal, who have no awareness of reality at all. Nobody would bother to do that, because nobody wants to have sex with 81 year old women in the nursing home. There’s nothing for anybody to gain by making an organization that does that.

Anyway, it was 2003 when I went to court because I was talking about the peeping tom and writing letters to Dan Crust from State of the Art, Inc, a corporation which absolutely does explicitly build components of electronic weapons that are used for mind control. That was when the electronic harassment began. Gary Sellers was involved in the ‘radio frequency applications’ branch of that company, and one day, he was standing in front of the receptionist’s desk, talking about what happens when an electric current goes across a man’s chest from one arm to the other, while looking upwards towards the sky with a look of glorious joy on his face as though this was the most beautiful image he had ever seen. Gary Sellers was laid off when that company did the layoffs, and Dan Crust took his job.

When I was being mind controlled, I was being forced to write letters to Dan Crust, and I was being forced to believe that Dan Crust was the peeping tom outside of my window. I was going to accuse him of doing this, and one day, I confronted him and spoke to him, and he misunderstood what I was accusing him of, and it’s possible that he might have believed I was going to accuse him of having a crush on me, or something petty like that, when I was actually trying to accuse him of being the peeping tom who was outside my window who was sending me harassing spam letters.

I remember how his face changed to a look of cold anger and suppressed rage as I was talking to him, and how a mask came down, and his eyes became empty. He had been about to confess ‘yes’ to something, but then understood that was not what I was accusing him of. I also thought he was hacking my computer at work, when I was at State of the Art, and reading everything I was writing about him, and I was accusing him of that, too. He said that Diane what’s-her-name, Diane Kerly or whatever, had known him for a long time and would vouch for him as a good person. I don’t remember exactly when or where he said that, it might have been during that moment of the confrontation, or later on, I forget. I could only guess later on that perhaps he thought I was going to confess that I had a crush on him (which seems very trivial in hindsight), or accuse him of having a crush on me, and it turned out I was accusing him of a crime and I was going to try to get him put in jail for it.

But I was being mind controlled and forced to have delusions, during the time when I was routinely taking St. John’s Wort pills every day, all the time.

The voices knew about the attacks on the World Trade Center before they happened. The night before it happened, on September 10, 2001 (as I remember it – however, it might have been several nights before), I was lying in bed thinking to myself about whether I should leave this country right now, or whether I should continue to live in this country. I decided that it was hopeless to move away and live anyplace else, and that I should just buckle down, stay here, and defend myself against any attacks. I was thinking this only shortly before the World Trade Center was systematically demolished (those words matter – it was not destroyed by the planes, but rather by pre-planted bombs that systematically demolish buildings, the same way they deliberately demolish other buildings when they want to build new ones there). So, the voices were forcing me to think about this topic because they knew an attack was going to happen and we were going to war. It was a very unusual thought process, a very unusual
perspective, and some kind of larger awareness of the world, of my position, of my country, of hopelessness, a perspective that I did not normally have. It was a foreign, artificial thought process given to me by mind control.

There was an anonymous leaked video on youtube where somebody was giving a presentation in front of group of people. He was talking about making a virus that would deactivate the religious part of the brain, which was, supposedly, more active in people with Middle Eastern genes. They were going to drop this virus probably by spraying it in the air, maybe, over Afghanistan. I don’t know if I read that in the comments, or if they said it in the video, or what.

Some people wondered if the video was a hoax. But I know it was not a hoax. Nobody could be as realistic as these actors. The guy giving the presentation, standing up in front of the group and a chalkboard or markerboard or whatever it was that he was standing in front of (I forget the details now), that guy was terrified for his life. I could see it and hear it in his voice. This was the guy describing the virus. He was terrified for his life.

Meanwhile, there was a guy in the audience who was such a Dickbag Asshole that no actor could ever possibly portray a Dickbag Asshole so accurately in any hoax. The Dickbag Asshole kept interrupting every five seconds to ask obnoxious questions. Unfortunately, I strongly suspect that the Dickbag Asshole was an LIE / ENTJ personality type. I could be wrong. Maybe he was even an LSE / ESTJ. I can only tell you, that’s what I suspect he was. He was obnoxiously hyperactive, maybe a drug user, maybe someone affected by chemicals, but it was obvious that he had uncontrolled restless hyperactivity, and could not listen for more than a couple seconds, literally, without
interrupting. Also, his personality type was probably in conflict with the speaker’s personality type in some way. I’m wondering if maybe the speaker giving the presentation, the one who feared for his own life, was an Alpha NT like an LII / INTJ or ILE / ENTP. He would be in conflict with an LIE.

The Dickbag Asshole interrupted him to ask, ‘So, when I’m out in the field fighting a battle, I’m supposed to stop every person and do an EEG to find out whether they have this religious area more active in their brain?’ (And actually, I an almost sympathize with the Dickbag Asshole, as though perhaps he is a friend in disguise, and not actually an enemy.) The Dickbag Asshole might have been interrupting because he was furiously angry and enraged, and his adrenaline was high, because I can imagine myself behaving the same way if I were angry and enraged. The sensation of ‘I loathe you’ might have been radiating *from* the dickbag asshole, rather than being myself feeling that emotion *towards* the dickbag asshole. I myself am unable to distinguish that emotion from my own emotions, and misinterpret it as my own feeling towards the guy.

And the guy who was in fear for his life just dismissed this question. Because it doesn’t matter which people have the religious area in their brain, and which ones don’t, they’re just gonna spray it on everybody everywhere. They’re not going to distinguish individual people.

And I already know what the result is going to be. It will just give people chronic fatigue syndrome, or something like that. I myself am already the victim of such a virus, destroying my free will, the same as the Focused people in Vernor Vinge’s book ‘A Deepness In The Sky,’ a book which is so accurate and so truthful and spot-on in many ways about how mind control is done. All you need is everything in that book, with the addition of an electronic frequency covering the entire planet from satellites and from cell phone towers, and you’ve completely enslaved the entire population of humans. This has already happened. We are there now.

When they spray this virus to allegedly destroy the religion of Afghanistan, it just won’t work. It will do nothing, but it will make a lot of people sick, and it will just become a Mystery Syndrome that destroys everybody’s lives.

Jesse is having a syndrome. He’s been in Washington doing military exercises, at Yakima and at Fort Lewis. Now he is having an illness. I predicted that merely being in the military at all, even without going to war, puts you at risk of getting Mystery Syndromes, because they do experiments on the military.

Jesse isn’t sleeping. When he’s asleep, he is getting up and sleepwalking and doing things in his sleep. He videotaped himself. In the middle of the night, he got up and started writing a letter to Emma, and he woke up in the middle of writing the letter. Emma is the girl he was seeing *just before* he met me. He was mind-controlled and forced to deliberately destroy that relationship, and they broke up, but it’s obvious to me that it was fake and it was mind control. They were happy together, and then, for no reason at all, Jesse started doing ‘psychological testing’ on her to find out whether she was ‘trustworthy.’ The ‘testing’ destroyed the relationship and she said she never wanted to see him again. He was forced against his will to tell lies to her, lies about his past, lies about his history, lies about who he was. And then she somehow found out that they were lies. But they loved each other.

I do not know what her personality type was. I have not met her. I don’t know her last name. I only know that he has been brokenhearted and has been missing Emma the whole time he’s been with me, and he has never stopped loving Emma and wanting to be with her. The mind controllers are using this, and forcing him to write letters to her the same way I’ve been forced to write letters to people who broke my heart.

I have tried several times to encourage Jesse to communicate with Emma, and also to let me meet Emma, to let me see her in person, to let me talk with her, and intervene, and explain to her that whatever Jesse did, it wasn’t his fault, it was an accident, and he did not do it deliberately, and he is not an evil person. I want Jesse to be happy, and he was happy with Emma, but the mind controllers forced him to destroy the relationship, and then they gave him to me as a gift. I love this gift, and I am grateful for this gift, but what I want is for him to be happy. He was happy with Emma. I don’t know enough about their relationship because he won’t tell me anything. He refuses to speak to her, he refuses to let me meet her, he refuses to tell me her last name or let me see her facebook page or let me have any idea who she is. I only know her first name.

So, he videotaped himself sleepwalking in the middle of the night, and writing on the computer a letter to Emma, and he woke up in the midst of writing this letter. He said he was doing other things, talking in his sleep, and the other guys in the army told him he was talking about wanting to have an air conditioner, because they were in Yakima and it was the desert and it was too hot.

He told me he’s been having trouble concentrating, and the other people were describing him as ‘delusional.’ I noticed he had been going through a trend of doing facebook shares where it’s one of those things that says, ‘If you share this, God will do something nice for you within fifteen minutes,’ those sorts of posts. I was curious to find out whether he got any results by doing those things, but I never asked him. I understand that if he did, it was caused by mind control. I know those things really happen, but they happen because of mind control.

He told me he’s been smoking too much tobacco, and drinking a lot of alcohol (or rather, I might be telling that wrong – he told me for sure that’s he’s been smoking too much tobacco, but I might have inferred on my own that he’s been drinking a lot of alcohol too. I only know that he said he would get really drunk on his 21st birthday.) I know that tobacco makes people vulnerable to mind control, because I have experienced it myself, and the mind control normally revolves around a need for sex and love, because tobacco causes constant sexual arousal, tobacco in any form.

So, for instance, they will force you to write letters to someone you have a crush on, or force you to be obsessed with somebody you have a crush on, whenever you are under the influence of tobacco, even if it is nothing more than a small amount of herbal oils from the tobacco plant that you handled years ago, which is what I experienced.

Oh, and just yesterday – I told you there were so many things I needed to talk about, I couldn’t get to them all.

I have gone a couple days leaving my laptop at home, and instead I got a spiral notebook and some pens (I have a hundred million pens somewhere, but they are buried in a box or a bag, so I got new ones). I gave that to myself so that I could sit and write during my break at McDonald’s, or whenever, and I would write about the reasons why there had been no progress in my life.

And there is no progress, because I cannot protect myself against falling trees, and I cannot protect Jacob from cold weather. I need to merely build a small cat box, with cardboard, duct tape, and some blankets, and those insulating blue rolls that I sleep on top of. Then I need to teach him to go inside it when he’s cold. No matter what I do, no matter what kind of tubes and tunnels I set up using the sleeping bag, he always just climbs on top of the pile of blankets and sleeps on top of it when I’m gone. He won’t go inside any of the tunnels I tried to make for him.

But then when I am home, he crawls inside the sleeping bag, and sleeps curled up against me. So I know that he wants to keep warm.

So just yesterday I went out to run an errand, and I left my laptop at home, deliberately, so that I would not go sit somewhere and play Terraria. I can play Terraria sometimes, I just don’t want to be playing it EVERY SINGLE DAY ALL THE TIME, whenever I need to understand what has happened to cause my total failure in all of life, and to decide what I need to do to fix it. I can play the game *sometimes*.

I went out to pick up my hopniss tubers from Mary Jo’s house. I told them to change the address they would be delivered to, but obviously they did not. So Mary Jo got the package. I went to pick it up when she was not there. The ghost of Max was on that street, but not as badly as the first time I went to pick up some mail that had gone to her house. That one time, I cried and cried and cried. The ghost of Max was there, he always hid in the bushes and came running out so that I could let him in and feed him, because Mary Jo wouldn’t let me put food on the front porch, because she is a brainless retard and it upset her that other cats in the neighborhood came over and ate the food. I wanted a better life for Max, and I was going to get it, but then Max was assassinated.

I picked up the package with the hopniss tubers, and then I went to Weis and got some food, and then to the YMCA to take a shower, and then back to Weis again to get some more food. I’ve been buying Foco coconut water there. The plain flavor doesn’t have any additives. Coconut water without additives is impossible to find. Idiots and morons have decided that coconut water must taste like coconuts, so they add this super-intense, candy-like, disgusting, nauseating ‘natural flavor,’ quote unquote, and I don’t give a fuck if it’s natural, and I don’t give a fuck if the natural flavor actually came from real live essence-of-coconuts instead of coming from Beaver Butt Glands the way that natural vanilla flavor used to…

Yes, that’s right, folks, so-called ‘natural flavor’ can come from ANY NATURAL SOURCE AT ALL, including things like beaver butt glands, and it’s true, you can read about it! Beaver butt gland secretions taste just like vanilla, and the evil sadistic morons just take delight in secretly feeding us beaver butt gland secretions and not telling us exactly what it is – they LOVE doing that to the entire population of people.

I’m serious, they do this DELIBERATELY because it AMUSES THEM to know that they are secretly feeding people beaver butt gland secretions and telling them it’s natural vanilla flavor. They love to see people joyfully, happily eating that shit up and happily indulging in the natural vanilla flavor without knowing what it is. I myself questioned the purpose of ‘vanilla flavor’ as a ubiquitous generic universal ice cream flavor years ago. There is no purpose for vanilla flavor at all. REAL VANILLA BEANS from the real vanilla plant are said to be an aphrodisiac, so there might possibly have been a useful purpose for eating real vanilla beans, which might have had this ‘medicinal’ effect.

But if it is used merely as a ‘flavor,’ then it has no useful purpose at all, except to pacify stupid people who believe that ice cream must have a ‘flavor,’ and chocolate bars must also have a ‘flavor,’ and they cannot be without this ‘flavor’ for some reason because it just isn’t the same without them, and I know exactly which socionic types are doing these things but I am not going to say it right now.

I know because I’ve had conversations with this type, and this type believes that the purpose of making recipes of food is to ‘combine interesting flavors in unique and unexpected ways.’ That person works at Taco Bell and represents everything that I hate about the food industry. Artificial colors and flavors meet this criteria, and are always provided by that person’s socionic dual, who always become the entrepreneur making a factory that produces chemicals that give us new and exciting flavors to entice their palates, without actually challenging them to try real, new, unfamiliar foods, because all of them have FOOD PHOBIAS and will only eat nothing but mac and cheese and apple slices for a lifetime, if you let them, so the only way to entice them is to ‘combine new and interesting flavor combinations’ that use artificial chemicals and colors on their mac and cheese, forever and ever and ever. And I won’t say, but I know EXACTLY WHICH SOCIONIC TYPE these people are!

So the morons who have the chemical factories decided they wanted to use their facctories to extract the ‘natural flavors’ of coconuts, from some unknown source, and it might possibly be from real coconuts, or it might be from some chemical substance that coincidentally happens to taste exactly like coconuts. For the food-educated, ‘natural flavors’ are just as bad as ‘artificial flavors’ and are a forbidden additive. Just like ‘monosodium glutamate,’ MSG, can be disguised in the form of things like ‘hydrolyzed soy protein’ or ‘yeast extract’ and other additives. All of those are utter garbage and all of them are forbidden, and I think they make food taste disgusting.

And they are, all of them, putting ‘natural flavor’ into coconut water. And it has this super-intense, nauseating, candy-like coconut flavor that I can’t stand, which is absolutely disgusting and sickening. Coconut water is not supposed to taste like coconuts, merely because it comes from a coconut, any more than tomatoes are supposed to taste like the leaves and roots of the tomato plant (which are poisonous by the way). Tomatoes taste different from tomato leaves, but they come from the same plant.

So, why should you assume that coconut water should taste like the meat of the coconut, merely because it happens to be inside a coconut? Should it also taste the same as the fibrous brown outer shell of the coconut, which probably has a bitter taste and dry woody texture? No! Of course not! Why don’t you extract the natural bitter tannin flavor from the dry woody outer husk of the coconut, and call it ‘natural flavor’ and dump it into our coconut water? It’s close enough to the coconut water that, surely, it must be infusing the coconut water with its flavor, because they’re almost touching each other!

Oh, that’s right, things that are touching each other always taste the same as each other, regardless of what stage of maturity the substance is in! It doesn’t matter that coconut water comes from young, undeveloped coconuts, whereas coconut meat comes from old, mature coconuts that have gotten all dried out and ripened completely – THEY HAVE TO TASTE THE SAME!!! THEY HAVE TO!!!! It doesn’t matter that the coconut water occurs at a stage when the coconut meat itself probably has no flavor at all, because it isn’t even ripe yet. OH NO! COCONUTS MUST TASTE LIKE COCONUTS!

But to me, the logic of this says that you might as well add ‘SHRIMP FLAVOR’ or ‘BASIL FLAVOR’ or ‘CHERRY FLAVOR,’ or any random flavor at all. There is no reason why any particular substance ‘should be’ expected to have any particular flavor, OTHER THAN the flavor that it naturally has ALL BY ITSELF. Only morons and evil sociopaths and idiots and retards believe differently. And idiots, morons, sociopaths, and retards have made chemical factories to produce these substances, to sell them to other idiots and retards who are dumb enough to believe that coconut water benefits from being artificially infused with a super-intense, candy-like, super-strong, overwhelming, overpowering, nauseating COCONUT FLAVOR BECAUSE IT’S A COCONUT! AND IT’S A FUCKING COCONUT AND BY GOD IT WILL TASTE LIKE A FUCKING COCONUT, SO WE ARE ADDING COCONUT FLAVOR TO MAKE IT TASTE LIKE A FUCKING COCONUT! That is the thought process of the evil retards who own the chemical companies.

So I don’t care if the flavor is ‘natural’ or not. It does not belong in my coconut water!

So I have to search all over town to find particular brand names of coconut water that do not put any additives in it.

I also have to avoid ‘vitamin C.’ ‘Vitamin C’ is worthless garbage. It might possibly help you a little bit if you have severe nutrient deficiencies and you are starving. But ‘vitamin C’ is a fake, synthetic chemical that only represents a tiny portion of a large, complicated cluster of co-molecules that have to work together and cooperate to make the vitamin function properly. The web page where I read about synthetic vitamins described it this way. Imagine that you have a fully functioning automobile that is able to drive. Now imagine, you took the whole thing apart, and you have a big pile of pieces of the automobile, all piled up together. Does the machine work properly now? No, you cannot drive that car, because it is a pile of pieces. Synthetic vitamins are the same. ‘Ascorbic acid’ is merely a tiny fragment of a large, functioning automobile. All by itself, you can’t drive ascorbic acid down the street. But fools, morons, and retards believe that this tiny fragment of a vitamin is ‘good enough’ and it is the ‘essence’ of the vitamin. It is able to perform a couple of functions, badly, but it is not the same as the complete co-cluster of many molecules that all function together like a car engine to do something.

I know from experience that ascorbic acid added to juices is harmful. One time, I bought these juice boxes of lemonade, which had 100% vitamin C in every box. They were addictive, so I was drinking a dozen of these boxes every single day, and buying more. I bought them from the grocery store, and it was like a bunch of little tiny juice boxes, packaged together as a group, so I was buying these multi-packs of lemonade and drinking the entire group of them in a single day.

After a couple days of this, my ENTIRE BODY FROM HEAD TO TOE was covered with an itchy rash! Since I studied nutrition in college, I knew it was an overdose. I looked it up in the back of my nutrition book, where it said that yes, indeed, vitamin C poisoning does indeed cause an itchy rash all over your body.

But-but-but-but-but it’s a WATER SOLUBLE VITAMIN! Ah yes, I learned about the ‘water soluble is perfectly safe’ hoax years ago. I knew a woman who took tons and tons and tons of Vitamin B6 because her doctor told her to, and it totally poisoned her brain and gave her a permanent nerve disorder, so that she has a slur, and a speech impediment, and slow movement, for the rest of her life. Vitamin B6 destroys the nerve sheaths, especially when it’s a synthetic chemical vitamin in the form of a pill, in a partly functioning
pile-of-engine-parts form instead of a fully functioning, natural co-molecule cluster (the assembled car engine). Vitamin B6 is water soluble! Your body flushes it out instanly in five seconds! It can’t possibly hurt you AT ANY DOSAGE! This whole belief system is total bullshit. Water soluble vitamins can, and do, poison you, and some of them cause permanent damage.

I discovered I can drink infinite quantities of any fruit juice without the slightest symptoms at all IF ONLY IT HAS *NO VITAMIN C* added to it.

I have learned to avoid synthetic vitamins and minerals for other reasons. They cause ALLERGIES, as in, you never sneeze at all, ever, for any reason, and then, you take some synthetic vitamin pills, and suddenly, you start sneezing all the time at every little thing, as though you have allergies. Synthetic vitamin pills are absolute evil. People who get allergies are usually told they have a vitamin deficiency, and the solution is to take more vitamins to cure them of their allergies!!!!!!!!!

Wasn’t I telling a story about something? I’ll have to reread this.

John Lennon.

I went to Weis, and I was buying some more food after I took a shower at the YMCA. The YMCA seems to be full of Gammas (socionic quadra – I just looked back and saw that it was a typo and I had written ‘Gamms,’ and nobody would have known what on earth I was talking about, lol. Isn’t ‘gams’ an old-fashioned word for ‘thighs,’ or something?). I was buying Foco coconut water, and some other things.

I stopped and read the magazines. I didn’t have my laptop with me. So this was my ‘getting out of the house’ moment. I stayed there for a very long time, reading some articles in the magazines. I read one magazine which listed a whole bunch of assassinations in general, and then, I read a separate magazine devoted to nothing but John Lennon, who was assassinated. (He was included in the other magazine as well. I’m guessing that the anniversary of his assassination prompted them to write about all assassinations as such.)

Somebody somewhere typed John Lennon as my socionic dual, ENFP / IEE. I don’t know. I don’t go crazy over his music, and in fact, I actually dislike some of it. They say he wrote ‘Strawberry Fields,’ and that’s one of the songs that I hate, although if you really interrogated me about it, I’d say that I like it more than I like Michael Jackson. I also don’t particularly love the song ‘Imagine,’ although I find the song *tolerable* instead of intolerable. I heard it, and I was like, ‘Meh.’

But that’s how socionic duals are. The initial attraction to each other is not that strong. You don’t necessarily recognize each other at a distance. It’s much much easier to attract and recognize *activators*, for me, the EII / INFJ. The instant attraction to an activator is strong and intense, but you can’t spend too much time together because it tires you out. Duals are less tiring, but also less instantly noticeable, and they are the very best for long term relationships.

Assassinations might possibly be a socionic phenomenon, but I’m not sure. I’d really, really, really like to know the socionic
personality types of the people who assassinate, and the people who are assassinated. My own personality type, the ISTP / SLI, is sometimes labeled as ‘the assassin,’ although it’s usually labeled as ‘the mechanic.’ If I have to get that name, then I’m going to label the ISTJ / LSI personality type as ‘the evil genocidal dictator who kills millions of people at once,’ because if I am a type who kills one particular person at a time, at least I’m not killing entire populations at a time like the ISTJ dictators do.

But I don’t think all assassins are always ISTPs. Surely they must be other types as well. Some of them are ESTP / SLE, too. And some of them must be many other types. Many types of people commit murder.

I actually believe that the reason I am being targeted, mind controlled, and having my whole life destroyed, is because of my personality type, and somebody somewhere ‘profiled’ me as being somebody who ‘has the potential’ to be an assassin or something like that. I have the potential to have a huge impact on society. I am gifted, and multi-talented, and I have a high IQ, although it’s not an enormously high IQ. It’s above average, 140. I am musically talented and artistically talented, along with being intellectually gifted. I also have introspective ability and I am capable of self-improvement. I showed all of this in the past before the really severe mind control slavery destroyed my life and took away all of my free will. Now I cannot even think a thought. And I am totally and utterly incapable of self-improvement nowadays. Self-improvement requires honest introspection, total silence, and completely unlimited free will.

I read the magazine about John Lennon. I understand that Rick DeLong was probably afraid I was going to attack him, just like the guy did when he came all the way from Hawaii to kill John Lennon. He made a trip from Hawaii just to see John Lennon, and then, they say, he didn’t do it, and he actually went back, or something, but then made another trip again, and he really did it that time. And then, after he killed him, he sat down and read ‘The Catcher in the Rye,’ which is the reason why that book was banned from school (I think). ‘The Catcher in the Rye’ was *said* to be written by a particular personality type, and I *thought* it was written by an INFP / IEI, in the Beta Quadra, the ‘extinguisher/redeemer’ relationship to the ENFP / IEE (John Lennon, if typed correctly). I might have that wrong, though, and I do not know for certain which type the Catcher in the Rye author was. I feel like I also read somewhere that it was written by an ISTP / SLI, my own type.

Even though I never wanted to attack Rick at all, I was being mind-controlled while under the influence of the drug residues, and I was forced to harass him and upset him and make him think I was crazy and make him think that his life was at risk from me, and to anger him and infuriate him and enrage him. I did not do those things deliberately. But I saw the echo of this in the story of the assassination of John Lennon.

When I read stories like that, it gives me information about how long the mind control system has existed. It existed that long ago, in whatever year that this assassination occurred. The mind control system existed when somebody tried to assassinate Ronald Reagan to impress Jody Foster (who is a lesbian! she certainly would not be impressed!).

I believe that mind control was being done before the year 1900, because I read a book, which I found in the Google Library, where you can hunt for books written by date, or something. I found this years ago when I was researching mind control. There were people who talked about their dreams at night, and one person described a dream where he couldn’t hear the word that someone was saying. Someone was saying a word, and it sounded like another word. This is mind control. I know from experience that being unable to hear a word correctly means that somebody is telling you words by forcing them into your brain, and you aren’t receiving it correctly and you’re misunderstanding it, and it happens all the time. There were other aspects of the dream that sounded like mind control. This book was written in the late 1800s.

Most people who write about mind control say that it all started in the 1950s. That is why I find it very interesting to see signs of it being done before 1900.

It might even be true, the worst case scenario, which I have to consider: the entire planet *might possibly* have been enslaved, from a distance, by a mind control field which is being beamed at us from far away, from another planet, by aliens who discovered that intelligent life forms existed on this planet, long before humans even knew how to write, and perhaps those aliens have been pretending to be ‘God’ all this time, all these thousands of years, by using electronic mind control, and perhaps, in all those years, we haven’t had any free will at all. I don’t know. It’s a possibility that I have to consider.

The only way to answer any of these questions is to try to use technology to detect the electronic mind control fields, and observe which direction they are coming from. That is the place to begin. That is the one and only thing that we have the power to do. For all we know, we are living inside a ‘dream matrix,’ which is what some people are afraid of, and yes, I have to admit it could be true too, but if so, there’s nothing that can be done about it. I refuse to listen to the message that says if you die, you get freed from the dream matrix and you get to see reality. I’m not going that way. I’m going to keep on living, and I will try to use technology, even though I might possibly be living inside a totally artificial dream matrix (in which case, it would be futile to try to use technology to understand where the mind control was coming from, because all of your equipment exists within the matrix and is controlled by the matrix, and therefore it cannot tell the truth).

I’m still gonna try to use technology in spite of that. Even if it isn’t a ‘matrix,’ the equipment can still be hacked, but yet, there is no other method except to use equipment to detect where the attacks come from.

But, no progress has been made. Not a penny has been saved. I cannot so much as even buy a few plates of copper from Home Depot to try to make them into a shield. I’m not joking, I was gonna try that. I’m at that stage in Terraria where you don’t even have a house yet. ‘Copper bars’ are not even available yet, and I have no place to put them, and no place to put the shield. A shield is too big to put inside this tent while I’m still living in here with all my bags of stuff.

John Lennon. He was very good looking. I liked that style of glasses. I hate glasses that have very thick rims. I love glasses that have very thin wire rims that don’t block the view of a person’s face. You have to be able to see all around the person’s eyes to read their microexpressions. Thick rimmed glasses block this out. The picture I liked the most was the one where he was gently kissing Yoko Omo’s face (or whatever her name is, is that her name?) and had his hand stuck in her shirt and was feeling her breast. It is a loving, gentle intimacy, much much better than any blatant, explicit, stupid-looking porn photos.

They were telling people to grow their hair. And they did a ‘bed-in,’ where they stayed in bed. And they did ‘bag-ism,’ or something like that, I forget what the word was, wrapping themselves in bags, like body bags, the same as all the people being killed in Vietnam and coming home in body bags.

Vietnam – where people were drafted. We don’t have huge protests for peace from public figures and musicians and celebrities now, because 1. they were fooled into believing that the Twin Towers attack was a real attack, instead of a false flag attack, 2. nobody is being drafted right now, 3. everyone is mind controlled, so celebrities are incapable of telling the truth, and 4. the media is completely controlled and censored, so if some rare person does somehow tell the truth about anything at all, it won’t be put on TV.

Nobody is capable of telling the truth, and if somehow they do, nobody ever hears about it. That’s why there are no peace protests by all the musicians nowadays.

But back then, ENFPs had the gall to go out in public and tell the truth. So, John Lennon was assassinated, by mind control.

I did love the style of the photos, and I am able to believe that indeed, he was my socionic dual. I don’t know for sure, and I haven’t watched interviews of him very much.

Oh yeah, that’s right. The symptoms. I had to reread this blog post, which is getting so long that Notepad won’t be able to save it anymore, and I’ll have to transfer it over to Wordpad. I can tell that it’s getting too long, because the Notepad screen is flickering while I type.

I went to my parents’ house, and I came home with new symptoms I didn’t have before. I have ‘numb toe syndrome’ again. I didn’t drink any diet soda this time. I think I was exposed to the toxic chemical from the spill of January 2014, which I believe might still be in the water supply, in all of the water supplies, even in the water that wasn’t directly connected to the one particular company that gets its water right near the spill. I believe it went everywhere, into the ground water, and is therefore in my family’s water too.

My numb toe might possibly be the result of getting onto my bicycle from the left side of the bike, while wearing a heavy backpack and twisting sideways. I need to have a step-through bike frame. I am very short, and I have short legs, and it’s really hard for me to lift my right leg over the seat of a bike from behind. I absolutely do not need a super-strong straight bar going from the handlebars to the seat support. I am not that heavy and I am not going to put that much strain on the bike. I am not going to do anything that will crush the bicycle from front to rear. I am not going to ride it like a ‘mountain bike’ and jump it off cliffs. I am not going to put three people onto the bike seat and then stand up on it and jump on it it like clowns in a circus, because I am not in the fucking Beta Quadra. I am just a goddamn Delta Quadra SLI riding my bike to and from work every day, and Deltas are boring, so they do not put any fucking strain on their fucking bicycles. I do not need a super-strong bicycle that will resist a nuclear explosion. (Sorry, Betas, I’ve been really angry at the Beta Quadra lately, ever since I had that big incident with my superego at Taco Bell. I’m not normally complaining about Betas all the time, and I don’t believe that Betas-as-such are all evil, or something. There are a huge variety of behaviors and beliefs systems within that quadra too, just like in Delta. In reality, there are a lot of Deltas who would be my mortal enemies if I knew what their belief systems were, such as in the Mainstream Medical Industry.)

So my numb big toe on the left foot might possibly be the consequence of a recurring hip injury that I am giving myself every time I lift my right foot over the back of the bicycle seat while wearing a heavy backpack and twisting my hip sideways. This is a very bad movement, and I am conscious of it every time I do it. That could be why my toe is numb. I am damaging the nerves in the hip, because my hip bones are crumbling.

But it happened last time I went to West Virginia, this exact same thing, a numb big toe on the left foot. It resembles the loss of nerve sheaths that come from drinking diet soda. But it might have been the result of the chemical spill instead.

I also started having hot flashes, but I only had them when I was eating Flax Seeds. Flax seeds are evil. They are not a superfood. They are a poison, and they cause very bad unwanted symptoms, such as sexual impotence, the inability to have an orgasm, and hot flashes as though you are going through menopause. I learned all about xenoestrogens whenever I got my plastic dental fillings put in. I became hypersensitive to xenoestrogens during that time period whenever my dental fillings were still new. And so, when I went to JoAnn Fabrics, and I ran my hands over a bolt of fabric made of linen, which comes from flax, I felt sensations going through my skin, which came from the xenoestrogens in flax, and I decided that wearing linen was unsafe, and wearing linen could possibly cause male impotence, baldness, and infertility, due to the large amount of xenoestrogens going through the skin from the flax. It also happens if you eat flax seeds. Flax seeds are a popular superfood, but I no longer believe the hype. The xenoestrogens in flax seeds are so harmful that they negate any benefits from the nutrients. You eat them in an attempt to get some kind of healthy fats, like plant-based omega-3s, but I decided it’s not worth it.

The flax seeds were an ingredient in a chip that I bought because I wanted some form of dried kale. It was kale chips, but they weren’t just kale, it was a mixture of various vegetables and seeds, including flax seeds. I kind of misunderstood the label, thinking it was dried kale, but actually it was a type of chip that comes in many flavors, and one of the flavors was kale, and it wasn’t intended to mean that this was merely a piece of dried kale. Dried kale does exist, but this wasn’t it. It was ‘Brad’s Raw Chips,’ if I recall correctly. They come in many flavors. It included flaxseed, because he has fallen for the hype about flax. When I was eating them, I had hot flashes exactly like I was going through menopause.

Going off the grid should not be something that only the
super-wealthy, college-educated white people can do. Going off the grid should be accessible to everyone, no matter how poor they are. You should not have to build your own house and install solar panels that cost a hundred thousand dollars, and a heating system that uses ecologically sound techniques of getting warmth from underground during the winter when it’s 55 degrees underground or whatever, and all that, which is all an enormous project that no poor McDonald’s employees can afford. A poor McDonald’s employee can only afford a simple tent, without even so much as a single tiny solar panel big enough to recharge a cell phone (which is something I do want to buy).

And so, I cannot have a freezer off the grid. Everything that I have here must be dried, because drying is the one and only form of food preservation that I am able to use. I cannot even have jars of fermented food. I have to open the jar, and then refrigerate the leftovers afterwards, unless it is specifically intended to be opened and then fermented at room temperature, including temperatures as high as 90 degrees, because I don’t have a root cellar where I can store my open jars of fermented vegetables and kimchi at 55 degrees all year long. 55 degrees might be okay for storing opened jars of fermented vegetables. But I cannot even so much as dig a simple hole in the ground, due to chronic fatigue, hopelessness, lack of support, lack of motivation, and all of the barriers that prevent me from making progress in even the simplest of activities. Even to do something like immerse a bag of food into the creek, thereby keeping it around 60 degrees, maybe, is too difficult for me to do.

And so, dried food is the one and only solution that I can use for food storage. I can open a bag, and then keep eating it for days afterwards. I am still experimenting with high fat meats. Do I observe any strange symptoms from eating the bacon jerky that I bought, which is high fat? I don’t know yet. I love the bacon jerky, but the voices in my head told me that the strange and bizarre sensations I experienced last night might possibly have been a heart attack caused by oxidized fats from opening the bag of bacon jerky and eating it one day later, even though the instructions say it is good for three days. I have experienced heart attacks from eating fatty dried meats at room temperatures in the past, when I bought those little tiny sausages that you dip in mustard, or whatever. Meat fat is fine when it’s kept refrigerated. It causes heart attacks when it’s kept at room temperature.

(Note, I’m inserting this here because I just remembered it after rereading this. I did find some kale chips, and also dried broccoli chips, which I bought, sold at Sheetz. I love them; however, they are expensive, and I could use something dried the normal way rather than freeze-dried, to be less expensive.)

And so, I have no method of keeping fatty meats that I can eat in the tent. The slim jims are filled with tons and tons of disgusting chemical preservatives, and they are packaged individually so that I eat them one at a time, and never have to leave them open to the air, to oxidize, for longer than a day. I always eat the entire slim jim at once, although I have actually gotten those longer ones, eaten part of it, and then folded it shut for a day or two and eaten it, without problems. Again, they’re full of chemical preservatives, which I really, really want to avoid.

The only preservatives that I will tolerate are ones that meet my natural criteria. If it is *NOT EXTRACTED IN A FACTORY*, if it is something that I can produce EASILY AT HOME, then it qualifies. If, for example, some kind of culinary herb is effective as an antioxidant for meat fats, I will use it. There is something I can’t remember, which prevents putrefaction, or something like that, and it might possibly be basil, or it might possibly be some other culinary herb, and it is a common, well known European herb that I have eaten before, I just can’t remember which one it is. I wanted to test using that herb to preserve dried fatty meats, to keep the fat from oxidizing, and I would observe whether or not it caused heart attacks to eat the fatty dried meat preserved with this herb. So I imagine taking this herb and mixing a whole bunch of it in with the meat, and not merely as a quote unquote ‘flavoring,’ which is what the stupid fools mistakenly believe it is there for. We do not mix herbs with meats for the purpose of a ‘flavoring.’ We mix herbs with meats to prevent the fats from oxidizing, so that dried meats and dried fats can be stored safely at room temperature without causing heart attacks. The fools believe that we add these culinary herbs to the meats to make them ‘taste good.’

I swear, it was some kind of familiar European culinary herb, and they said it prevents putrefaction, but I’m not remembering all the details. It was something ordinary, like ‘sage,’ or something, one of those herbs on the spice shelf at my mother’s house. I want that herb. I want to mix it with all the fatty meats, then dry them, and find out if they cause heart attacks at room temperature. It was slightly more esoteric than ‘sage.’ It was one of the slightly weird and slightly unfamiliar ones. It might have been rosemary. Or it might have been ‘allspice’ or something. Something slightly weird, but not extremely weird. I’m not hooked up to the internet, or I’d just google this!

Hopniss. I haven’t opened the package yet. Last night, they were testing me to find out if I had any vomiting symptoms merely from handling the package. Ephedra – I was contaminated the moment that I touched the unopened envelope, because the entire building where that herb was processed would have been contaminated already. I had bought the ephedra seeds.

So this time, I was tested to find out if merely touching and handling an unopened package of hopniss would cause uncontrollable vomiting. The vomiting will be caused by a pesticide-like substance which is destroyed by sunlight, which is why the tubers were sun-dried, according to my theory. The vomiting is not caused by inulin fiber, although inulin fiber might possibly be bonded with toxic plant substances that do cause vomiting, which is why inulin fiber also causes vomiting. I do not buy ‘health juices’ that contain added inulin, or when I do, I am not happy about it. I occasionally buy those health juices out of curiosity, and some of them are good, but I disapprove of added inulin. The inulin is added to ‘make you feel full,’ which implies that the people who drink these juices are starving themselves and trying to lose weight, and they need to artificially be made to feel full so that they don’t eat. But inulin causes some people to have severe, uncontrollable vomiting. The same is true for spirulina or something, one of the seaweeds that people are using as a superfood, and I can’t remember all of them – there are several. I saw that was added to one of the health juices, and I refused to buy it, I just can’t remember which type of seaweed it was, or what the name of the juice was.

The hopniss plant will be similar to the jicama tubers. They both come from a bean plant or pea plant, and both contain poisons that cause vomiting. According to legend, there is only a tiny minority of people who vomit when they eat hopniss tubers. However, based on my own experiences with eating bone marrow, I believe that this is a lie. If they say that only a tiny minority of people vomit from eating hopniss, that translates to a huge number such as ‘one person out of four,’ or ‘one person out of three will vomit uncontrollably for hours after eating hopniss and will go to the hospital for it.’ If the internet legend says that only one person in a thousand vomits from hopniss, that is how I translate it, based on the anecdotes that I have read.

And so, I am touching hopniss with extreme caution. I know what to expect, based on all the other medicinal herbs I have handled. The legend says that the Native Americans were all eating hopniss as their staple food, but when the Europeans tried to eat any of these Native American tubers, such as the tubers of the Lily plants, they vomited uncontrollably. If this is true, it is because they failed to properly neutralize some kind of naturally occurring plant poison, which the Native Americans knew how to neutralize.

You will have to process the plants properly, using some method such as sun drying, mashing them into a pulp, cooking them for a
ridiculously long time (such as, longer than 24 hours, boiling vigorously the entire time!), or something along those lines, and then fermenting them. It might be a multi-step process. You might possibly have to use ALL of the techniques one after another. So it might be absolutely essential to pick the tuber at exactly the right time of year, sun-dry it completely, mash it up into a powder, boil it vigorously for longer than 24 hours, drain all the toxin-filled liquid off and discard it, rinse it with water, and then ferment it. I’m making an extreme scenario, but seriously, that’s the kind of thing you have to do to get rid of vomit-inducing plant poisons.

When the time comes that I do try eating hopniss, believe you me I will not eat any more than a single tiny nibble at a time. I know what happened when I ate jicama. I cooked it really thoroughly, I thought, but even after cooking, it contained a substance that caused me to experience a tingling inside my mouth, which I recognized as a poison, and then, once it was inside my digestive system, the one or two bites that I ate caused me to have some kind of electrical twitches, some kind of electrical convulsions in my nerves inside my abdomen, and if I had eaten more than a bite or two, I would have been vomiting uncontrollably over the toilet and spewing diarrhea out the other end all night long, exactly like some people on the internet have described.

Apparently, some people eat hopniss, or Jerusalem artichokes, or jicama, without experiencing this, but then another person close by, such as their spouse, will vomit all night long. It must be a poison, and some people don’t have enough receptors for that poison to be able to neutralize it quickly. It will be something neutralized by one of the cytochromes in the liver, and some people will make multiple functioning copies of the cytochrome, while other people have only one copy and it barely functions, so that they neutralize poisons very slowly.

I did not vomit merely from touching and handling the unopened package of hopniss tubers. So, it is going well so far.

It occurred to me (and the voices in my head) that perhaps the Native Americans never ate hopniss (and other tubers) at all, and the whole thing was an absolute lie, a war of disinformation, because the Native Americans were being invaded by the Europeans. If you were a powerless victim being invaded by evil people with more technology than you had, wouldn’t you want to get revenge somehow, by lying to them, and telling them that poison was edible, and then giving it to them and laughing while they vomited uncontrollably? I’d want to fight back against the invaders somehow. Poisoning them would be a good idea. It’s understandable. I thought maybe that’s what happened with these tubers and with hopniss – maybe the Native Americans knew all along that this was nothing but a poison, and there was no way at all to neutralize the poison – it would always be poisonous no matter what you do, no matter how you process it, and all of it was a lie, and they never ate this as their staple food. That’s a possibility that I am considering.

A huge number of sources claim that the Native Americans ate several types of tubers, but the tubers have a risk of vomiting for some people if they are not processed correctly. I believe that is the truth. I will try to grow them, try to learn how to process them properly, and then, I will eat extremely microscopic quantities, and then I will observe the symptoms that I experience.

All of the anecdotes say something to the effect of, ‘If only I hadn’t eaten an entire gigantic bowl of the stuff on the very first try!’ None of the anecdotes say, ‘Alas, I only took the tiniest nibble, but was vomiting uncontrollably all night long.’ My own anecdotes will say something like, ‘I ate only the tiniest nibble, and I experienced strange sensations that I knew would have led to my vomiting if only I had eaten a whole huge bowl of it, so I decided that it will have to be processed differently, and I continued my experiments.’

My feelings of despair were worsened because I had experienced the hot flashes. I wasn’t 100% certain that it was caused by the flax seed, even though I had experienced that very thing from flax before, and knew that flax contained xenoestrogens. I thought maybe I was starting perimenopause, the phase where you haven’t gone into menopause yet, but you start to see some changes and have some symptoms.

I’m actually not having hot flashes *as much* now that I’m not eating those chips. However, there have still been a couple occasions when I had hot flashes, such as when I was at work, after drinking coffee. Hot flashes are associated with particular types of food, and according to my theory, hot flashes are actually not real, and are not natural – instead, hot flashes are caused by your teeth starting to decay, while they have plastic dental fillings in them. Plastic dental fillings have not existed forever, so I suspect that ‘hot flashes’ as a symptom of menopause also did not exist hundreds of years ago. I would have to read the literature to find out whether women had hot flashes during menopause in the year 1600.

I suspect that they are an artifact of the modern lifestyle, most likely tooth decay while wearing plastic dental fillings. Coffee and wine would both cause tooth decay (and are known to cause hot flashes). Tooth decay, or tooth softening, is something temporary which comes and goes. You do not necessarily go so far as tooth crumbling and tooth breakage every single time. Your teeth might soften enough to allow the plastic dental filling materials to leach out into your bloodstream and into your mouth.

That is my current theory. I believe osteoporosis is indeed more likely during menopause, and osteoporosis is the indirect cause of hot flashes, through the mechanism of decaying teeth and leaking plastic dental fillings. I do not know whether this theory is correct. I just *have a feeling,* or a hunch, that the symptoms of menopause are not real, that they are caused by the modern lifestyle in some way, that they are not normal, and that women in primitive tribes did not experience them.

I myself have had menstrual cramps all my life, and I suspect that cramps are a result of permanent deformities of the uterus, Weston Price deformities resulting from the combination of malnutrition, drugs, and chemicals. I suspect that menopausal symptoms might be similar, maybe the result of unnatural deformities, maybe the result of exposure to chemicals in the modern lifestyle.

One thing that I will not accept is someone’s soothing reassurance that ‘everything you’re experiencing is normal for your age.’ I have learned enough to know that ‘aging’ is not ‘normal.’ There are people in primitive societies at age 100 who are much healthier than people in modern societies at age 30.

I’m having problems with my eyes lately, and I just happened to read something on Dr. Mercola’s website that reminded me of it. I’m staring at the computer screen for hours and hours, playing Terraria, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I have bad vision and I cannot read the tiny words written on the back of all my snack foods and food packages, where I have to read the list of ingredients. My own theory is that this is caused by the compact fluorescent bulbs in all the restaurants and businesses where I sit and use the computer for a long time, and not by the computer screen itself.

I don’t have any problems with my eyes at all if I sit someplace that has old fashioned yellow incandescent bulbs. The compact fluorescent bulbs have been giving me blurry vision for years and years now, and it’s only that type of bulb that does it. Those bulbs are the manifestation of evil stupidity incarnate. Absolute evil. They put out frequencies of light that burn and damage your eyes, harmful types of ultraviolet, and that’s all aside from what happens when you accidentally drop one and it shatters and spews mercury all over your house, ruining everything for eternity. Absolute evil insanity.

Wasn’t I telling some kind of a story somewhere? I’d have to reread this from the beginning. I’m at home, using up the battery, and the battery will run out sometime. I have done nothing today, due to my fatigue. I still don’t have caffeine pills, and my sudden caffeine reduction will be part of the cause of my feeling of despair.

But I am having other problems, difficulty thinking, difficulty deciding anything, and I cannot take action to get an apartment, or change my work hours, or do something to give Jacob a shelter where he can sleep and stay warmer inside the tent. I am frozen, mentally, unable to decide anything or do anything.

I also cannot follow Jesse, and that is causing me a lot of grief. I was supposed to be powerful enough to follow him when he got stationed. But I have a cat, and having a cat makes my life harder – I have to make sure that Jacob is safe at all times, and I cannot just run out and do something. But there was always an excuse, even before Jacob. There was always some fake reason why I could not do this or that, and all of the fake reasons are being implanted by the electronic mind control. I am incapable of doing the introspection that I need to do to make decisions, take action, break through the fake barriers telling me that I cannot do this or that for this reason, all of the lies being planted in my brain.

I should reread this quickly and see if I forgot to finish any stories.

Oh yeah, this is irrelevant and I hadn’t intended to talk about it, but, all of my complaints about our new McDonald’s store are still true, and have all been verified as true by many, many other people since then. I instantly hated the new bathroom. We have these huge, heavy doors that are so heavy, they could protect you from a bomb going off. When you let go of the door, it swings shut by itself and goes ‘BOOOOMMM!!’ so loudly it scares everyone in the bathroom. People jump and say ‘Ooh!’ and other various exclamations of startlement every time it happens, and they scold it and say, ‘That’s really noisy! I hate that thing!’ Well, the hand dryers are horrible too. Everyone hates them, just like me, just like I predicted, and everyone still hates them to this day. I hear complaints about the dryers every single time I’m changing clothes in the bathroom. Little kids will say, ‘I don’t want to use that thing.’ Even parents and adults will exclaim an ‘Oh!’ or ‘Yikes!’ or ‘Jeez!’ when the dryer starts blowing and it sounds like a jet plane echoing in our tiny bathroom. I’m saying, every single person, or almost every person, will say ‘Oh!’ with surprise when it makes its loud horrible noise, the same way as for the loud booming door slamming.

It’s as dark as a dungeon in there, because they used this horrible dark gray stone tile for some godforsaken reason. And every drop of liquid and dirt shows up on that tile, so that you can see, visibly, that some person has spilled some kind of mystery liquid next to the toilet or the trash can, which is disgusting to see.

And the automatic sink faucet goes for about three seconds. I heard some child saying the other day that they didn’t want to wash their hands in it, because ‘That water is *COLD*. I know it is!’ They knew it from experience with *other* automatic sinks at other locations; however, I personally myself used a tool to set the water temperature to a pleasantly warm temperature, which can only be done by getting down on your hands and knees and using tools to unscrew a little screw which has to be set in the right place. This is evil insanity. People are refusing to use the sink because they already know from past experience that the water in ALL automatic faucets is going to be painfully, unbearably cold, because nobody else knows how to get down on their hands and knees under the sink to unscrew the microscopically tiny screw and follow the microscopically tiny instructions that tell you which way to turn the screw to make it hotter or colder. No sane human being in a reasonable world should have to do these things. *EVERYONE HATES THE FUCKING AUTOMATIC FAUCETS. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET RID OF THEM AND NEVER INSTALL THEM AGAIN, EVER, FOR ANY FUCKING REASON, I DON’T CARE IF WE HAVE THE SWINE FLU AND THE BIRD FLU AND THE BLACK PLAGUE GOING AROUND, NOBODY WANTS TO USE THE FUCKING AUTOMATIC FAUCETS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.*

This is an example of the insanity and the lies, regarding those evil stupid insane moronic automatic faucets made by germ-phobic insane delusional retards. Over at Weis Market, in the women’s bathroom, I sometimes change clothes and take my sink bath with a washcloth, before work. They have automatic faucets. The faucet lasts for like three seconds, then won’t let you turn it back on again right away – it has a programmed delay of several seconds, so that you cannot turn it right back on, but must move your hands away. Or maybe that’s at McD, I forget, maybe the ones at Weis don’t have that programmed forced delay in between uses. This is retarded insanity.

Anyway, to placate the insane moronic customers, there is an official SIGN made by Weis, directly over these insane evil sinks. It says, employees are required to wash their hands for fifteen seconds, use soap, rinse all the soap off, etc, etc.

You cannot wash your hands for fifteen seconds in an automatic faucet that cuts off after three seconds.

I mean, this is obvious. Is it not obvious to everyone?

Is the sign a joke? Is it meant to be sarcastic?

Is any customer reassured that the employees’ hands are effectively cleaned by a faucet that shuts off after a couple seconds, not long enough to even rinse off all the soap foam?

I myself am not germ-phobic, but I find it comforting to slowly linger over washing my hands, for many, many seconds, as I zone out, staring into nothingness, letting my thoughts drift away, feeling the comforting warmth of the hot water running over my hands and between my fingers as I rub them together. It sounds like cybersex but it’s a normal daily routine for me – unless some retard installs a fucking automatic faucet that fucking shuts off after three seconds and remains burning ice cold the whole time, giving me frostbite, while I refuse to warm up my hands using the automatic air dryers that scream like jet engines in an echoing bathroom at the noise frequency of fingernails on a chalkboard.


They are installed by germ-phobic morons on the premise that you risk germ contamination whenever you touch the handle of the faucet; hence, everyone everywhere should be forced to use automatic faucets whether they are germ-phobic or not. The result? People no longer try to wash their hands AT ALL. AT ALL, YOU FUCKING RETARDED IMBECILES! WHAT PART OF ‘THEY DON’T WASH THEIR HANDS AT ALL NOW’ DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND! You fucking, retarded, evil, stupid, insane, goddamned morons!

I’m not sure what I’m going to do this evening. I got nothing productive done today at all. I just slept and rested the whole entire day. There are things I need to do, and I did not do them. I just rested. I have many urgent emergencies pressing on me as the time passes by, but I’m ignoring them all. Will I go sit someplace, plug the laptop in, and play Terraria for a while this evening, while I get something to eat? I don’t know.

I’m running out of energy for this blog, not just the laptop battery, but me. Surely there are more things I need to rant about, but the little bit of caffeine is wearing off. I’m tired. I think I’ve said enough. I just wanted to emphasize that every single thing that I said the customers would hate about our new McD store, they still hate, even now, a year later, or however long it is, I lost track of when the store was rebuilt. Every woman still screams with fear when the bathroom stall doors bang shut and/or when the jet plane engine starts roaring when they use the hand dryers. Every child is refusing to use the automatic faucets because they know from experience it will be bitter frostbite burning cold the whole time, because every other automatic faucet is always that way, even though I personally got down on my hands and knees to change the setting to make sure it was hot.

Did McDonald’s provide us with some kind of maintenance person who would know to set those faucets after the store was built? Did they give us any instructions, telling us that we HAD TO change the settings on the faucets after it was built, to make sure that the water would be warm instead of burning ice cold? Nope, not a word from anyone anywhere. Nobody gave a fuck about how to operate those goddamned fucking faucets. Nobody gave a fuck about how much our customers would hate them, about how universal the hatred would be, and how *justified* the hatred would be. Nobody thought that maybe we needed TWO SINKS like we used to have at the OLD STORE so that people don’t have to STAND BEHIND YOU WAITING while you wash your hands. None of this would be a problem if our store was designed by sane human being with sane intentions – not the intention to save a fraction of a penny on water by installing automatic faucets, while losing thousands of gallons of water to the automatic TOILETS that flush ten times while you’re standing in front of them changing your clothes in the bathroom stall. Fucking… INSANITY.

That’s right, people, I just told you that you saved 1/10,000th of a penny on the water bill by installing automatic faucets for
handwashing, and you just lost $10000 on your water bill because your automatic toilets compulsively flush two dozen times while I’m standing there changing my clothes in the bathroom stall. Do I need to continue? Do we need SANE PEOPLE designing our buildings?

I’m tired. My laptop battery is going down, and so am I. Maybe I will go someplace, and eat, and play my video game. It was a bad day, and I am feeling despair. The despair is not too bad, because I have had some coffee. But the despair is there for a good reason. There is a problem with my life, a problem happening constantly. It needs to be fixed.