Archive for November, 2011

Oh, that’s easy.

November 19, 2011

Rick asked a good question. He wondered if the urge to write blogs or status updates about every little thing was related to not having somebody close to you that you could talk to.

In the past, before I had the internet, and before I had a computer, I used to write journals in spiral notebooks. Writing, for me, is a physical impulse. It’s the process of writing, itself, and not so much the content of what I’m saying, that matters. I write to feel myself write. There’s actually a disease where someone writes compulsively on every surface they can find, but I don’t remember what it’s called.

However, when I had a best friend, I would indeed talk to her about everything. There are always some areas of your life that your best friend isn’t interested in or doesn’t understand, so there will always be something that has to be talked about with someone other than them. But I always want to be in a relationship that is so close and so deep that I can tell my partner as much as possible, with the fewest exceptions possible.

And of course there are other people you care about, and you want to tell them about your life, too. The desire to blog or to write news, to a limited extent, isn’t unhealthy, and Rick’s page was always very moderate and very reasonable.

However, there’s another side of this, too. If you want, I can just push the big red button that says ‘Stop Blogging.’ (It’s right next to the ‘Stop Drinking Coffee’ button.)

That’s easy to do. I’ll perform a demonstration. I’ll stop blogging until one month from now. What’s today’s date? It’s November 19th, so I’ll stop blogging until December 19th. I’ll do that, because Rick asked that question about the compulsion to blog and update about every little thing.

If I really need to write something, I’ll just write it in a file that I don’t publish, and it will be a private journal instead of a public blog.

Okay guys. Let’s enjoy the peace and quiet for one month while I shut up. See you in a bit.

Advertisements

reoriented

November 18, 2011

Hmm, this text box looks weird.  Maybe I should delete the browser cache and try getting a fresh page.  The box has no edges.  

  It didn’t take much at all to completely change my direction back towards Rick again. Two words in a particular location, the ‘teasing’ that he was referring to, which I never noticed until now, and then of course a constant bombardment from ‘them’ which always influences me – after that, I am now focused on him again, and have no interest in trying to find a substitute.

He had said in the thread that he was ‘teasing’ me, and I said something to the effect of ‘No you’re not, it’s my fault, you didn’t do anything at all, it’s just because you exist, blah blah,’ and then I found out that he actually was teasing me.

So, I started back on the project, which I had dropped, of obtaining the paperwork I need for traveling. I can’t do much of anything on the days when I have to go to work – it’s hard to do a project in the morning when I’m not really awake and don’t have a lot of time.

By the time I actually get pregnant for real, after all of this misleading diversion that will go nowhere, I will probably be about 45 years old or something. I could spend a few years messing around with this delusional behavior and get nothing out of it at all, and lose my childbearing years even more.

I saw something interesting on the plus and minus signs, when I went to the forum. The pluses and minuses are the main thing that I want to know about right now. I want to know how each quadra uses the elements differently, when they have the ‘same’ elements. They’re not really the same. This time, I ended up reading a page where it said that the minus signs mean that you are using the ‘fullest range’ of the function, and the plus signs mean that you are using a smaller, limited, shorter range of the function. So the minus sign doesn’t necessarily mean ‘negative’ as in bad or unpleasant – it means it encompasses all of it, everything, good and bad, all the possible ways of using that function. Or at least, that’s how this one page made it sound. I had seen other pages where they speculated that it actually *did* get used in a ‘negative’ way, though, and some of the descriptions still seem to suggest that negative functions really are focused on bad or unpleasant aspects of something – I interpret this as ‘avoid doing something harmful’ or whatever. Avoid bad, seek good.

I know that I myself am usually focused on finding ways to avoid bad things, but that might just be because my life sucks in so many ways. I’ve learned a lot about cause and effect, too, which fits with -Ti.

They also said that the plus sign functions were more individual oriented – sort of your own personal experiences, and those of people close to you, but not global, not far away. I need more info on this, but it’s all translated, so it’s not that great to read it – the nuances are lost.

This is important to me, partly because I want to know what kind of job I can do. How can I earn money, using this pathetic lame base function, -Si, my strongest function? Everyone else’s functions seem cooler than mine. It would be great to be a Te-base or something so that I could have my own business.

Or I could be a beta ST and have it made, because it doesn’t bother them to compete against everyone and sacrifice all of their time to earn huge amounts of money to become richer than everybody else, whereas I myself am not willing to sacrifice very much to become wealthy, so I just have to sit here being the victim of murderers because I can’t afford to buy a shield, hire detectives, buy electronic weapon attack detecting equipment, and so on. It’s easier to protect yourself against the murderers if you are rich enough to afford to do all of the things you have to do. I don’t have any other reason to be extremely wealthy, just that. I don’t want to be wealthy for the sake of being wealthy. I do however want to save up money for the future. I just feel like beta STs ‘own the world’ somehow, and everything is easier for them – they fit in, and getting a high-paying job is easier for them – it’s their world. That’s probably not really true – it’s just the mood I’m in. For some reason I’m just annoyed with that type right now. It must represent something in my mind, something that happened, something that annoys me – I think it had to do with Craigslist, actually. When I was talking in the CL forum about why my ad got flagged and deleted, I think I was arguing with an LSI. Whoever they were, they insulted me and said my ad sounded like a fruitcake or something like that, and then apparently a bunch of other people thought so too – those people who can’t stand to see anything unusual or different or unconventional.

So now I have to either write a completely new ad where I carefully avoid asking for exactly what I want, and then have to individually inform every person who responds to my ad that actually, I don’t want them, because I wasn’t allowed to say anything ‘weird’ in the ad; or else I have to try meeting people by some physical means, like paper ads and like meeting in a physical location; or else I have to drop the ad idea, which is what ‘they’ want me to do, as they want me to focus on an impossible, misleading, wasteful, delusional goal of going and finding Rick, without even having his permission first.

What is very likely to happen, in reality: It is likely that I will actually travel somewhere and just walk around and look at the scenery, and probably take a picture of myself being there. I would just be a tourist. It’s extremely unlikely that I would happen to see him at random just walking around the town. I would not have an actual plan or communication with him to prepare to meet him in some particular place, so I would just wander and then pretty much say to myself ‘I did it.’ I would see the paths he has walked on and I would walk them myself. I would see what he sees.

Bankruptcy sale? Puree setting on the blender? Total destruction?

November 17, 2011

In case anyone was wondering, it translates to ‘paid sperm donor.’ This refers to a conversation we had in the comments and email.

You couldn’t resist that little ‘dig.’ However, please be aware that you are talking to someone who is very serious about doing this.

Edit: And I said you are not my sperm donor, you are much more than that.

Guilty.

November 17, 2011

Embracing a delusion, and being swept away by it, while everyone says I’m crazy. I won’t believe *everything* they say, and I will take it with a grain of salt, as I always do, and I will try to fight against it, as I always do. But I can’t deny that there was actually a ‘tease,’ and the tease went beyond ‘merely existing.’ Teasing a delusional stalker is unacceptable behavior.

When I was young, I took my best friend for granted. I do not take best friends for granted now. Perhaps I was humbled by grief and loss. I am not arrogant like I was when I was young.

I’m saying that because, while being swept away in my delusions, I’m wondering, what exactly is wrong with his wife? Something is wrong, something is not quite right, but I don’t know what it is, and the theories go around and around – is she mistyped, is she arrogant and taking him for granted, is she having serotonin deficiency because of her deadly diets, is she somehow less intelligent, or what. I don’t create these theories myself. They come from my delusions.

There doesn’t have to be anything wrong with her. That is not a critical part of my motivation. It is a nonessential part. She can be fine in her own way. So, whoever they are, they don’t need to put a lot of energy into the belief that there is something wrong with her. That is not what motivates me. And it isn’t necessary to lie. I don’t like lies being used as manipulation. She can be fine and nobody needs to lie and say that she’s not. I am always fighting whatever beliefs they try to put in my head.

Guilty of the crime of teasing a delusional stalker.

A couple days ago they suggested that I watch two of my favorite movies, which are on YouTube. I watched ‘Antonia’s Line’ and also ‘The Polar Bear King.’ Antonia’s Line went well, but the Polar Bear King had a problem. After getting through a couple of ‘episodes’ I saw that the person who uploaded it had some kind of a technical difficulty and they weren’t able to upload the whole movie.

However, I saw ‘Der Eisbarkonig Valemon’ (and I don’t have all the umlauts and stuff on it) listed as a related video somewhere, on somebody’s page nearby, and I looked at it, and it was the untranslated version. So I watched it in German or Dutch or whatever it is. I thought it was German. There were a few things that were different in the untranslated version. Some things were missing: In the English version, there is a narrator speaking in some places, telling the story. The narrator is missing from a couple places in the original version, so it must have been added to ‘help the children understand what was going on in the movie’ in the English version. It was better without the narrator. There was also a tiny bit of music in the background in a couple places that had been taken out in the translated version, probably as a result of what they had to do to change the sounds of the speech. The original version was really good. I tried to copy the foreign words as they were being spoken, but I could only catch fragments now and then. I studied German many years ago, and I recognized a few words.

Teasing a delusional stalker. What do we do about this? It wasn’t an accident. It was a deliberate, conscious, knowing tease.

Don’t let me forget that I was teased. I might accidentally forget and I might go back to normal. If I go back to normal, I won’t care about anything anymore. I have something that I care about.

I also saw some…

November 17, 2011

I also saw something that I hadn’t seen before. I’m a little confused right now, and I will have to do a small paradigm shift, and I’m sorry. If I can do my paradigm shift, I won’t have to tear myself to pieces by going in different directions at once. This is weird, but the emotion that I felt, when the paradigm shift began, was a sensation of weary sadness. Like giving up. I felt tired and sad. I don’t mean that to sound ominous or anything – I have said many times before that I have sworn to choose life, and I do choose life. That is exactly what this is. I can’t ignore or dismiss what I saw. I’m sure I’ll try to, though. I’m just slightly confused and disoriented. I’ll still have my usual difficulties – fatigue, and so on – slowing me down, as always. I’m also sort of ugly. I know I am.

The nuisance fl…

November 17, 2011

The nuisance flagging phenomenon never happened to me before on Craigslist, and I’ve put up weirder ads than this one in the past.

I’ve already been thinking about ways that I can do this physically instead of online. It will have to be 100% physical, probably, not even using email, because of my suspicion that my email is getting hacked. I can’t know whether it is or not.

I’m not able to deal with this right now. I’m not even in the mood to speculate about whether or not the ‘flagging’ is harassment or whether it’s actually real and legit. It’s never happened before, and I have had some strange ads on there in the past, and they never got deleted for being strange before. Craigslist is all of a sudden anti-strangeness.

I’m guessing harassment, and I’m guessing the harassment is from normal people, not puppets, and I have some idea of the spirit behind it. I can see it. That’s why I went to the forum. I can see it. Do they not know when enough is enough? It isn’t puppets, and it isn’t ‘my’ harassers, it isn’t ‘my’ hackers, not the people who’ve hacked and harassed me in the past. This is a different group of people or a different person. If that is the case, it won’t be difficult to evade the harassment, because they are not using any special method of acquiring information. They are using a mundane method, and, as such, it will be quite easy to avoid them when I choose to do so. So that is what I will do. It is a mundane harassment from ordinary people, I suspect. They are using mundane methods to gather their information, and mundane methods to do what they are doing, and they will be easy to avoid. I think I will succeed elsewhere without any difficulty. I see it.

A pug-faced cat wearing clothes? Seriously?

November 16, 2011

I’m going to have to sneak back into the forum or something to put a stop to this nonsense.

I’m not sure why I decided to go and look at the forum tonight, but I probably would be safer if I just didn’t go there.

The morons flagged and removed the ad again.

November 16, 2011

Apparently ‘doing something unusual’ is forbidden on Craigslist.

Okay, I think guy #2 is an ILE.

November 16, 2011

So both people who answered today seem to be NTs. The second one seems to be pretty definitely an ILE. The introverted one I’m not sure. This is disappointing, and yet also hopeful, because if I reword the ad, and keep it up longer, it *might* just work, and it might just get the right person. But … I have to wait longer. And I might rewrite the ad next week when I’m off work, after a few more days have gone by and after a few more non-duals are attracted to the ad.

These precious, wonderful people are answering me, and I don’t have enough resources to use them all.

November 16, 2011

‘Use,’ as in, I can’t use the ‘information products’ that these people produce, to the extent that they deserve to have them used; and also, I cannot use them economically either, as in, to make money somehow for us both.

A total of four people have answered the ad so far. All of them are intelligent people, all of them interesting and wonderful in their own ways; though I am not sure whether any of them are duals yet. I may have to rephrase the ad to make sure that it attracts exactly the right kind of people, and repels the wrong king. And these people are wonderful, and I don’t want to call them ‘wrong,’ but they are non-duals.

If I had more money, then I would hire all of these people and pay them to write. And I would do something that would make their writing profitable and useful. I would apply it somewhere. I would sell it somewhere. I would do something useful with it. I want to make them happy and give them what they deserve.

I won’t have enough resources to be able to pay all of these people.

Whenever I find a dual, I want to hire him to be my friend. He’s getting paid to be my friend. That will be strange, won’t it. But I hope he lets me do that. If one person doesn’t let me do it, then I’ll just keep looking and I’ll find someone who will.

Someone who responded today seems to be some kind of NT type. I’m not sure if he’s Alpha or Gamma. He doesn’t seem like an ILE. He doesn’t seem like a LIE either. He seems more introverted, and could be an LII or ILI. He seems to be more ‘sharp’ somehow, less ‘soft’ than an ILI, more decisive, with shorter sentences that have more of a definite feel to them, and less of a wandering feel. He seems like he might be rational. But I could be wrong. I’m not sure. I’m just pretty sure he’s an NT of some kind.

The other guy’s letter had a couple of recognizable phrases: … Wait.. I just now went back and looked at my email and he’s written back to me, but somehow it was marked as read. So I wasn’t aware that I had an answer yet. I’m going to go read it.

used EFT/TFT this morning, like acupressure, to soothe my anxiety.

November 16, 2011

They allowed me to stay in bed late this morning, and to not drink any coffee. They woke me up at 5 AM, but I stayed in bed. I needed to withdraw from coffee very, very badly, but did not do it for the past few weeks. I feel so much better when I do.

Two more people answered my ‘intellectual conversations’ ad today. I haven’t written back to them yet. I’m excited to see that someone answered, but I’m skeptical that either of them will be the right type. Still, I will see what I can do.

This morning they had me do the Callahan Thought Field Therapy, the modified version, the Emotional Freedom Techniques, whatever you would call it. I am doing an extremely informal version without any kind of pattern. I just tap wherever I feel like tapping. It is often more like acupressure, or just rubbing the areas that are ‘points’ according to Callahan and the others. I’m sure there are many more points, as I have never studied acupressure, and I know the entire body is covered with meridians and points. But I only use the ones Callahan recommended.

So I did this while lying in bed. It’s been raining for the last couple days. My windows were all covered with condensation. I’m still not having any problem keeping warm at night. Sleeping in my car in the middle of November is nothing. It will become a problem whenever the temperature drops down into the teens, and when we start getting snowstorms. When it snows, I might sleep inside a parking garage so that my car doesn’t get buried in snow.

I did the detraumatizing, soothing acupressure session all morning long during the times when I was awake. I fell back to sleep – or rather, they forced me back to sleep – several times. I never sleep naturally. I am always forced to fall asleep, and I am also always forced to wake up, and every dream I dream is fake.

I worked on soothing myself about the fact that I’ve abandoned the project of cleaning out the entire storage unit and deciding what I will do with all of my belongings. ‘They’ made me recall the fact that I did all these things, such as moving out of my apartment and into my car, partly because of being inspired by Rick’s lifestyle. And yet there is no way to get his approval about any of it – instead, he wants to keep me out of his life and does not want to tolerate the ‘craziness,’ and he does not value my knowledge or my potential strongly enough.

I am now working five days a week. I hate working that much, but I wasn’t able to save money while working four days, because I am still spending too much, and I haven’t been allowed to manage my money. Managing my money requires me to set up a record of my income and expenses and it requires me to take actions to reduce spending on things like food. All of these actions and projects have been abandoned, and so I am now working one more day a week than I had been before. I don’t want to be earning more money to compensate for the money that is unnecessarily being wasted. I would rather stop wasting the money, and not have to earn as much, at the same time, or else earn more and save all of it for other projects.

I’d like to go the whole day without coffee, but it’s very likely that I will need to drink it when I’m at work, especially because I never get enough to eat when I’m working.

The Rick fantasy/obsession hasn’t ended. This morning they were still going on about it while I was doing the EFT acupressure. I was still fantasizing that I would go see him and live with him, and I was going into this scenario thoroughly.

I am still nowhere near ready for subsistence hunting and gathering. I’m sure I would be able to do subsistence farming if I had a plot of land that I knew I could keep my animals on, but I am imagining hunting without owning land, and eating insects as well.

I need to think about what I will say to the people who answered my ad.

Sighhhhh. Mistyped SEE?

November 15, 2011

I’m getting a lot of these ‘go after what you want’ kind of vibes from the facebook guy who ‘they’ suggested might be a mistyped SEE. Based on their past record, I don’t know whether to believe them or not when they suggest that so-and-so is a mistyped such-and-such… and in fact, just this morning they started on their ‘Rick’s wife is mistyped’ delusion again, only this time it was ‘She’s an SEI instead of a SLI,’ blah blah. But the facebook guy really is not seeming like an IEE, and has more of an SEE theme to him. It’s ‘go after what you want,’ ‘have the courage to take action,’ ‘attract the things you want and they will come to you,’ that kind of thing. It’s all about ‘take action to go after what you want’ and ‘have courage.’ So I might actually believe them when they suggest that he is a mistyped SEE instead of an IEE.

Here are a couple of the quotes:
““You will attract everything that you require. If it’s money you need you will attract it. If it’s people you need you’ll attract it. You’ve got to pay attention to what you’re attracted to, because as you hold images of what you want, you’re going to be attracted to things and they’re going to be attracted to you. But it literally moves into physical reality with and through you. And it does that by law. ~ Bob Proctor”

““Dare to Be

When a new day begins, dare to smile gratefully.

When there is darkness, dare to be the first to shine a light.

When there is injustice, dare to be the first to condemn it.

When something seems difficult, dare to do it anyway.

When life seems to beat you down, dare to fight back.

When there seems to be no hope, dare to find some.

When you’re feeling tired, dare to keep going.

When times are tough, dare to be tougher.

When love hurts you, dare to love again.

When someone is hurting, dare to help them heal.

When another is lost, dare to help them find the way.

When a friend falls, dare to be the first to extend a hand.

When you cross paths with another, dare to make them smile.

When you feel great, dare to help someone else feel great too.

When the day has ended, dare to feel as you’ve done your best.

Dare to be the best you can –

At all times, Dare to be!”

Those are some of the quotes that he’s putting as his facebook updates, and there’s a lot more similar stuff in the past. That *really* is triggering my ‘mistyped SEE’ alarm. Not to mention the fact that whenever we talk or email each other, I don’t feel as activated as I would like to feel, but instead I remember I sat there just listening for a long time while he talked about things, and I didn’t feel much of a need to say anything.

Whenever I wrote to Rick… I always like to joke, in my mind, about how all that I had to do was blink an eyelash the right way at him and it would set off a Massive Wall Of Text. And every line of the text was deep and dense with important information. I don’t feel that way with this other guy at all. When we communicate it just feels like we’re not getting very deep into anything. He clearly is some kind of ethical type. That I’m sure of. But he doesn’t seem to have a Ne base.

Am I going to have to go to extremes to meet these people? What extremes will I go to? And are my emails actually getting through, or not?

Paranoia – am I getting my emails or not? I’m in a bad mood.

November 15, 2011

I went out and collected a couple of paper ads that I wanted to take down because they weren’t written the way I wanted them to be written, and I was embarrassed about them.

A tab was ripped off one of them. When I saw that, I felt this suspicion and a little bit of anger. Was somebody trying to reply to me, and I wasn’t getting their email? Then, I went to another place and took down another ad, and saw that that one also had one of the tabs ripped off. I got more angry and more frustrated. Were these people just idly ripping off the tabs for fun, not really thinking about it, and then forgetting to write to me later on, and just losing the piece of paper, or what? Were they replying to me?

I know that my email is hacked, and every computer I use is being hacked and spied on. I should say ‘everyone’s computers,’ not just my own. Our internet is censored. We don’t know how much it’s censored, but it is. I’ve seen the hacking, I’ve been harassed and stalked, I’ve seen them do things to demonstrate that they can see and know about what I’m doing when I’m online and when I’m other places. So I know that technically, my email is hacked. I’m not just ‘suspecting’ that it’s hacked. I *know* that it’s hacked.

If I know that the email is hacked, then I might just assume that of course, I’m not getting some of my emails. But I can’t assume that. ‘They’ are the ones who are pushing me to do various activities, including putting up ads. Would they push me to do something, and then undermine the results that I was getting? I could assume I’m being controlled and harassed by more than one person, and these people’s goals and actions are not all cooperating with each other – that’s usually what I assume. I could assume that one person was forcing me to write ads, while another person hacked my email and deleted the responses.

I know this all sounds paranoid, but whenever you have experienced the hacking and harassment and surveillance and control that I have experienced, then you know that you can’t trust *any* form of communication, not even the spoken word, as our bodies are controllable puppets that can be forced to speak.

I now have to make a decision. Should I make new ads and then offer them a different means of communication? Should I attempt to get them to send me a physical letter in the mail? Other victims have complained that people are tampering with their physical mail, too, so I wouldn’t be certain that I was getting those letters either. I pictured myself putting up an ad with a bunch of postage paid postcards, and a pencil next to it so that people could fill out the postcards and then drop them in the mailbox, but that is… laughable. And yet, it would work. But it’s too serious, too formal, too businesslike. I don’t want to give people the mistaken impression that I am an authority figure or a respectable businessperson.

If I actually explain ‘I don’t get my emails, so if all else fails, you can meet me at Location X,’ which is something I did before, is that necessary, and will it sound so paranoid that it will make people not want anything to do with me at all? I have to make all these decisions about how truthful and how paranoid to be in the ads. I also have to do this while in between my residue reactions so that my writing style is not too manic.

Also, I don’t want to try to start a ‘group.’ That was something that ‘they’ have pushed me to do, many times. Right now, I just need to find a dual, and that won’t be a ‘group.’ It will be a single person. I don’t believe that it necessarily has to be one and only one person, because I don’t strictly believe in monogamy, unless the monogamy happens naturally on its own. So I might talk to more than one dual who responds. But that’s not the same as a group. I cannot plan enough goals and projects and activities to be able to have a group that would actually *do* something together.

So the ad has to be targeted at an individual person, and yet I have to make sure that they actually are able to reach me. And I don’t know how much to assume about the hackers and the controllers and the censors and the people who are destroying my life and the Adjustment Bureau and whatever other word you want to call them – I don’t know what to assume about their motives and actions. I don’t know if I should assume that I have a ‘yes, go ahead with this project’ from them, so that they won’t be deleting the emails that I get, or whether they have someone else in conflict with them, so that one puppeteer forces me to do something, while another puppeteer/harasser/destroyer undermines my efforts. I don’t know what to assume.

I will have to make more decisions about how the ads are written, what I am asking them to do, how much truth to tell in the ads themselves versus how much of the truth I should hide underneath a fake outer appearance of ‘La la la, everything’s okay,’ as I try to ‘look normal’ in the ads, and then tell them all of the truth later on if they ‘pass the tests’ and demonstrate that they are able to communicate with me the right way.

Every time I get the ‘my emails are getting deleted’ phenomenon, I somehow become vulnerable to ‘their’ suggestion that I should ‘start a group.’ That’s always their response. Start a group. Not just ‘find your dual,’ but start some kind of underground activist group with goals.

I have reasons why I am not able to start a group. That is one of the ‘poorly constructed goals’ that have caused so many problems in the past. Whenever I’ve been exposed to SJW residues, I’ve become more suggestible and have obeyed the commands to do things that are impossible and unlikely and unsustainable.

If they don’t know what I’m capable of and what I’m not capable of, WHY ARE THEY CONTROLLING ME? Why bother? Why not just control some other person who is capable of doing the things that they want me to do? If they want somebody to start a group, then why don’t they just control some group-minded person who has already shown willingness and ability to ‘start groups’ and ‘organize group activities?’ Apparently they want someone who is too weak to fight back against them, but strong enough to kinda sorta halfway accomplish a couple of small and not-very-important goals once in a while.

I’ve been questioning the entire ‘ad paradigm’ or ‘ad algorithm.’ There are assumptions behind all that I am doing. I am following an algorithm, a series of steps, to achieve a goal. The algorithm has to be questioned; however, it must be questioned in a manner that is acceptable to my way of thinking.

So they talk to me in my head, and they attempt to direct my thoughts, but I have conflicts with them whenever they try to use other disvalued information elements or when they even attempt to ‘help’ me with valued information elements in such a way that it feels like ‘cheating,’ like skipping steps or something, while preventing me from doing it my own way. I have to do it in the way that a -Si/+Se +Te/-Ti ego would do it. The plan that I devise, my algorithm, must rely on the use of the ego block. If I don’t use those particular functions to design the plan, the plan will not work.

So I have to fight and argue with puppeteers, many of whom are less intelligent than I am, and *almost none* of whom understand how *my* mind works.

They think they can just push a button and force the little puppet to do whatever they tell it to do, without understanding it and without doing things the way the puppet would do them. And they don’t seem to even CARE about the fact that the methods they’re using are ineffective! They just say ‘there’s something wrong with the puppet’ and they throw me in the trash, instead of actually learning how to ‘use’ the ‘tool’ properly.

It’s like buying a computer or some expensive technological device, and *not even bothering* to read the instruction manual, and not even bothering to attempt to follow the instructions, assemble the device properly, or use the features and abilities in the way they were meant to be used, and simply pushing all the buttons at random, and shouting ‘WHY DOESN’T THIS THING WORK!’ and then smashing the piece of equipment in a rage because it isn’t obeying them.

That’s how the puppeteers treat their puppets. If you don’t instantly obey their insane commands and if you don’t instantly think their insane thoughts in exactly the way that they demand you to do, then they just smash you and destroy you and scream at you and completely ruin your entire life and make you completely unable to function at all.

You can see that I’m not in a good mood today.

The point I was trying to make is that I cannot just ‘start a group’ merely because a couple of people think it would be desirable for me to ‘start a group.’ They’ve tried so many times in the past to make me do that. The one and only thing that makes me even attempt to start a group is if I am being severely affected by St. John’s Wort residues and am therefore suggestible and willing to try to do impossible goals.

They need to understand that I am not a ‘group leader’ type of person, but am instead a quiet, passive person. If I knew EXACTLY what the SPECIFIC TASK was, then I would have a better ability to direct a group of people to do it. However, nobody has bothered to clarify exactly what specific task we are trying to accomplish.

The task has to be something finite, something small that can be accomplished in a given period of time. It has to have some kind of tangible outcome. Otherwise I will feel frustrated by its pointlessness. For instance, ‘Get a bunch of people together and chitchat about stuff’ is not the type of goal that I’m interested in, and yet, that is exactly the type of thing ‘they’ force me to do. That is an ineffective way of doing things. Sitting around with a group of random people chitchatting about random subjects does not achieve goals.

However, if you chitchat about a very specific subject, and attempt to make a decision about that subject, with a group of people, for instance, if you try to ‘reach consensus’ using the official rules of consensus (as Diana Leafe Christian has written about in her books on intentional communities), and then after making that decision, you ‘take action’ as a group to do something, and if that group is coordinated in such a way as to have ‘division and specialization of labor,’ so that each person performs part of the task according to their knowledge and skills and resources, then yes, technically I am capable of leading that sort of a group.

However, I am a Te-creative, not a Te-base, and they say that Te-creatives are not as comfortable with initiating some kind of business venture or activity like that.

Everything that I do should strongly emphasize the -Si/+Se base, and it should be supported by the +Te/-Ti creative, but shouldn’t rely on that creative function too completely.

That’s asking a lot. They don’t know what they’re doing. They don’t value -Si/+Se. They can’t imagine how to construct a properly formed goal that uses those functions. They don’t know how to reconcile what *they* are trying to accomplish, with what *I* am able to do.

This is what it means to be a mind control slave. It doesn’t mean that the puppeteers are actually GOOD AT controlling you. It just means that they TRY to control you, and most of the time, they fail, and it goes badly, and it causes suffering and frustration for everyone. And yet they keep trying, even though it doesn’t work, because apparently they have INFINITE RESOURCES, so it doesn’t matter whether their actions are effective or not. If you have infinite money, you can fail and mess up as much as you want to, because nothing will ever stop you or limit you. If your business can never fail or can never go bankrupt, if you’re invincible, if you’re immortal (in business terms), then nothing matters, and you can totally screw up and fail as much as you want to, with no consequences. That’s how I feel about the puppeteers who are trying to control me.

Like I said, I’m in a bad mood.

Aww. Someone else answered the ad today.

November 14, 2011

And he says that he would be interested in doing the writing assignment but would not necessarily ask to be paid. I said ‘aww’ because I am (not sure how to verbalize this in the right way) touched by the sweetness of the response. He claims to be an INFP, and I seem to run into a large number of male INFPs instead of ENFPs, but I will probably talk to him anyway.

I am having a miserable time at the dating website so far.

I need to fix the reaction I’m having today. I was touching something in the car that was covered in St. John’s Wort and it’s making me so sleepy and muddle-headed that I can’t even make a simple decision at this point. It was because I had the sleeping bag across my lap and I was touching the outside of it, which has touched against the floor. I need to fix a bunch of stuff and do a decon if I am going to try to communicate with any human beings at all without behaving like a total wackjob.

Okay, I reactivated the dating website profile again… god help me

November 13, 2011

Every time I’ve used the dating website, ‘they’ have forced me to write a fake puppet profile with fake puppet words. I haven’t been able to just be straightforward and normal about it. It’s always been some kind of bizarre project or another that they’ve made me do. This time I just asked for an ENFP. That probably won’t be allowed to last long – they’ll force me to do some other crazy thing before long.

I am actually g…

November 13, 2011

I am actually going to get back on the dating website, also known as the hell hole or the torture chamber. It is urgent for me to find someone I can talk to. I am not able to ‘socialize’ or enjoy ordinary activities that are meant to be fun. I have to find someone who I can bond deeply with. The urgency comes from the fact that I obsessively checked my email all day to see if this person had written back. He finally did, but it was in the spirit of ‘Oh, okay, good luck with that project,’ rather than a wish to participate in the project.

The dating websites are absolute torture, but I don’t see any other easy way to do this.

Maybe he is an IEE.

November 13, 2011

I’m reading his letter again. This time it feels different. I just went and read a bunch of random travel guide pages written in the IEE style. That happened as a result of reading about dowry and the various types of marriages, monogamous or polyamorous (I’m not sure if I would call it polygynous, polyandrous, polygamous, etc – any kind of multiple marriage regardless of whether it’s a man with several wives or a woman with several husbands). Those wikipedia pages ended up linking me to some site about Bedouins in Qatar (because the Bedouins had multiple marriages, for both women and men, polygyny/polyandry), so I read travel guides about Qatar. Anyway his letter feels like an IEE now.

It’s hard to restrain myself and resist the urge to ‘grab.’ I really do feel an intense need to desperately grab anybody who is the slightest bit able to communicate with me. He is only the first person to answer the ad, and not necessarily the last person, and I know nothing about whether he is willing to have any kind of relationship. In fact, that urge to ‘grab’ probably tells me that I should write more ads and get more results. It’s likely that I myself will be rejected many times, too, as they discover what it is that they would be committing themselves to. I will not be the only one doing the rejecting. I will also be rejected.

religious analogues in an atheist

November 13, 2011

What kind of husband am I choosing, and how am I compromising?

If I had started this search when I was a teenager, if I had had help from the ‘elders’ in choosing a husband, then I would not have had to compromise so much. Right now I will have to compromise somewhat because I am trying to have children sooner rather than later. If I were several decades younger, I could have spent a longer time looking for the best husband that I could find.

I’m looking for someone who is a writer. That was something that I loved about Rick – whenever he would write to me, he would instantly write a ‘massive wall of text’ in response to my emails. Every sentence was dense and filled with important information, and there were a lot of sentences.

Then there are other people who don’t much like writing. They do it a little bit if they have to. And there are some people with whom ‘it’s like pulling teeth.’ You have to drag them kicking and screaming to get a single sentence out of them.

I need people who are naturally and easily able to produce a large amount of verbal information very quickly. I won’t be able to have a conversation with them in person, not just online, if they can’t produce a lot of verbal information. They also must be able to receive the verbal information that I give them.

I’m thinking about other places where I can write an ad. I will test this Craigslist ad for a month and a half, or however long it is that the ads are up, and I’ll think about whether I need to put more ads someplace else as well. I could actually put up a ‘serious’ ad in a ‘real’ writer’s magazine or something; however, my offer to pay someone to write essays is only a brief and temporary offer, not a long-term job. I can’t afford to do it for a long period of time.

I’m paying them to write because it’s inevitable that I will have to reject some of them, and I don’t want them to totally waste their time communicating with me only to get nothing out of it at all. I absolutely *hate* the dating process. So I want to do the dating process a different way.

Whenever I bond with a man who interests me, I learn the things that are important to him. In the past when I have had crushes on people, I’ve read their books and watched their movies and listened to their music, so that I could understand all the things that mattered to them. If my husband is a Muslim, I will read his holy books so that I can understand him (if he can tolerate having an atheist wife). That is what I naturally do to bond with my mate. I’m saying that he can be something very unusual, or he can have a very different religion from mine, and yet I will read his books so that I can learn it, whatever it is.

The guy who answered my ad is probably an ILE. I’m just guessing that based on the way his writing style feels. If I get lots of responses from ILEs instead of IEEs, I might need to reword the ad so that it attracts the right people and avoids repelling the people who I want to talk to. And ILEs are wonderful, but I’m looking for my dual, not my semi-dual.

I am investing everything in this – my time, my money, my labor, my body, my children, the hours and years of my life, all of it will be given to my husband. This is a huge decision and I can only compromise so much, and I cannot compromise on duality. He at least has to be a dual. He can be somewhat imperfect in other ways. He has to be a dual, and he has to be able to write.

So if I wrote an ad anywhere else, I would have to say that it was simply a short-term writing assignment that would not be published. And I would have to tell them the details after they answered the ad.

I was thinking about other cultures where the woman has to somehow ‘buy’ her husband. Isn’t there something where the woman’s family has to give her ‘dowry’ to the husband? It’s making more sense to me, this idea that a woman buys the man she wants. I’ve felt that way for years.

I got all hopeful because one person answered the ad; however, I also feel disappointed because he seems to be the wrong type – although I’ve answered his letter and he might answer me back, and if we continue talking I might discover that he is an IEE.

I was wishing that I would wake up this morning and find that dozens of emails would be in the inbox, but no, he was the only one who answered it so far. I will have to be patient, I will have to talk to this one who answered, and I will have to think about other places and other methods of posting this ad for my ‘essay writing contest.’ If someone can communicate with me enough to keep me busy, that will hopefully achieve the effect of distracting me from Rick, and eventually I will need someone who will not be a mere ‘distraction’ but a complete replacement for him.

The concept of ‘God.’ I have thought for years about what the concept of God means to an atheist. And I can also ask whether this is a single god, or whether it is one god amongst many gods.

I have some concept of God as an abstract ideal, something above humans. There are some compromises that I will make, and other compromises that I will not make. Some of this comes from talking to the voices over the past few years, because they have asked me about my religion.

I do not want to compromise about the way that I style my hair or the way I groom myself. For whatever reason, my hair is something that belongs to God and is higher than the preferences of men. If there is a man who prefers this, that is the man I am looking for; however, if I do not find him, then my husband must tolerate my hair if he does not like it, because I will not change it for him. My beauty is something that I do not change for the whims of mortals. My hair will grow for all the decades of my life. Now that I have it in locks, it will grow longer than its terminal length.

For whatever reason, this one particular thing belongs to God and not to the preferences of men. It is something that I view as representing an ideal, something that represents perfection. It is God’s will that I grow my hair this way, even though I am an atheist. So somehow I have this concept of perfection above men, a concept which is similar to religious concepts. I accepted some suggestions that came from talking to ‘them,’ such as the suggestion to grow natural locks after my hair reached its terminal length, because that fit with my original theme of naturalness, of keeping what I have, and of growing all that I have to its fullest potential.

If an atheist has ‘religious analogues’ (or analogs or however you spell it), that suggests that religion is a naturally occurring phenomenon that doesn’t depend on culture. I myself often pray to God automatically whenever I am in unbearable pain and terror, even though I don’t believe in God. It’s a mind-state that I enter into.

So I am some strange blend of atheism and a made-up religion of my own. Ultimately, I want to answer the questions about whether God really does exist as some kind of actual entity, and whether we can prove it by using technology to find him/her. As I am a victim of electronic harassment and mind control, I want people’s minds to be free, and I don’t want them to be enslaved to anybody, not to humans and not to some kind of god, if there were one.

This blog is just for venting. It’s not structured the way I would structure it if it were intended to be read by a serious audience, if I meant to achieve a purpose by writing. I haven’t written with a purpose for a long time now.

Well, somebody answered my ad today.

November 12, 2011

He asked for more information about what this was about. I was a little worried that nobody would even answer the ad at all, but someone did, and on the very first day that I posted it. That suggests that maybe, more people will answer it again in the next few weeks. Offering to pay writers to write to me was a good idea! This makes me feel hopeful. I will need to work out the bugs and make some kind of deal as to what we will do and how we will do it. So I wrote back to him to explain a little bit more about what I’m doing and why I’m doing it.

I want something that is worth paying for. So I will pay.

not in a good mood today

November 12, 2011

I feel sort of miserable and despairing today. I’m starting on this search and I know it is going to take a long time and it is going to be very difficult. It will be almost impossible to find anyone who I can stand to be with. I think it might be because of having a genius IQ. I am looking for a tiny percentage of people who are as intelligent as I am, or more intelligent. This tiny minority is inside of another tiny minority of people, the IEEs. Men who are feeling types are less common than women who are feeling types. Intuitives are less common than sensors. Geniuses are less common than people of average intelligence. And everyone with a brain has fled away from this area and moved to other places with more opportunities. And I have ‘special needs’ that are esoteric, strange, and frightening – I need people who can at the very least tolerate my unusual beliefs and experiences and lifestyle. I’ve thought that I could try asking at a church to see if they had any members that were the type of person I was looking for, but I’m not sure how to go about doing that in a way that won’t seem weird. I’m at work right now, and we’re extremely slow, and I’m on break, and I’m bored… and I will be bored and miserable the rest of the evening, as it will probably continue to be slow. We might get a little bit of a rush from the football crowds as they’re leaving town, but we’ve been mostly standing around doing nothing all day. And my blog stats are gradually going back down to their normal levels. This blog is not audience-focused; instead, it is self-focused. I am here writing merely for the purpose of venting my suffering, not to communicate to an audience who wants to hear me. If I were writing towards an audience, I would write very differently.