Archive for January, 2017

slightly better today but not great; the job I’m applying to; a dream about a dragon

January 31, 2017

I no longer have that sensation of weakness in my arms. I was able to talk on the phone to the lady at Home Instead, where I was applying for a job. Home Instead is a place that helps old people live at home. Basically someone helps them take care of day-to-day routines, except it isn’t nursing. They do have nurses that go to the person’s house too.

The idea for me to apply there came from what happened with Mom, and with some …. personas, who interact with me, or voices, suggesting that perhaps I need a change of job. Since I’m not working at Maki Yaki anymore, and they don’t want to rehire me, I do need to get another job.

I agreed with that feeling that maybe now is the right time to get a different kind of job from anything I’ve ever done before. I have this awareness of the need to help old people in their houses, help them to stay at home so they don’t have to go to a nursing home. Mom got to die at home in her bed with family around her. She didn’t have to go to the hospice house, although, at the end, she was saying she was ready to, because she was hoping they would be able to give her better painkillers, basically. It turned out not to be necessary.

I actually wondered if Patrick might have played a role in speeding up the event. I walked in on them the night before, Dad and Patrick, and they had a guilty feeling as though I had interrupted them talking about something they didn’t want me to overhear. I think they were actually talking about that. However Dad told me that he just couldn’t bring himself to do it.

It was strange how Mom was able to behave even when she was on ‘automatic,’ when she was nearly dead, and probably not really conscious. Patrick put a blood pressure cuff on her arm, and she was able to hold out her arm and hold still to submit to the blood pressure cuff being put on.

It was strange, because she was in the middle of a bunch of movements and motions, sort of rolling on the floor as though struggling to get comfortable, but Patrick called it a ‘wrestling match,’ because I was holding her up and making sure her head didn’t hit the wall, and gently letting her go down to the floor as she needed to, and supporting her when she moved up again. She was having labored breathing, and her lungs were full of fluid, which caused her to have the ‘death rattle,’ except it wasn’t as much of a rattle as what I heard as an example of it on youtube.

She also was able to stop her movements long enough to submit to having a crushed pill put under her tongue, but she wasn’t able to swallow it, and could not swallow the piece of chipped ice that he put there to dissolve it – I saw a minute later that the water had leaked out the side of her mouth. Patrick had told me she couldn’t drink right now because she would aspirate it. Apparently he knew this because he was a nurse and had seen other people in this state before. She was almost having convulsions, but not really. She was just moving around all over the place.

I can’t really explain why this struck me. It was something loving and trusting about her, that she was able to try to let him help her, when she was in the midst of this convulsion thing, that she had enough self-control to stop her movements and allow the blood pressure cuff to be put on, and the pill to be put under her tongue. It was disturbing to see the automatic blood pressure cuff deflate, lower and lower and lower, without registering any pressure or pulse at all, all the way to zero. If she had a pulse at that time, it was too weak to be detected by that cuff. Yet she was still moving around and sitting up.

She gestured to her neck the way she usually did when she wanted the oxygen tubes, but then took off her shirt. Apparently the shirt felt like it was uncomfortable or interfering with her somehow. I’m just remembering this, thinking, maybe she could tell that her heart had stopped beating or was almost stopped.

And then, on youtube, I saw something called ‘agonal gasping,’ which is the gasps of air you take after your heart has stopped. I saw her when she was doing that. That was when she was lying in bed and I was still holding her hand. It was only a few gasps per minute.

I can kind of explain my reaction, why I was so touched or moved by the fact that she allowed the blood pressure cuff to be put on, and the pill to be put in her mouth, during this convulsion thing when she wasn’t really talking. It was like she was still herself. She was still Mom, up till the end. She was conscious. She was still doing the normal things Mom would do, Mom would have done, Mom had been doing all this time during these weeks. That’s what it was. She was not entirely unconscious and not entirely out of control. She was still Mom to the end.

I am wondering what the mind controllers might have done, which had to do with this event, specifically the timing of it. Mom had emphasized on the phone, don’t come till the 22nd, because that is when your brother is coming. It was all about coming to visit on the 22nd. That was the original date, but we moved it earlier because John understood, from my blog and from the impressions I got on the phone, that Mom was in such terrible condition she might not even survive until the 22nd (and this turned out to be true). We got to spend a little time with her while she was still able to move and talk and give us hugs and kisses and say ‘I love you.’

It is possible that the mind controllers arranged for that to be the date of death, and then they attacked her on the 22nd. I have reason to believe it was an attack, because the phone rang right before it happened, which means somebody was a puppet who was forced to get the idea to call at that moment. It startled her out of sleep – was she already dying in her sleep at that moment, or did she have a heart attack from being startled?

Several other people had forced heart attacks around this same time, people I read about online. I also had an attack incident after I got back to the tent. It was on the first or second night I was back at the tent. I was feeling sick, like I was fading away and dying, and in the middle of the night, I was awakened by an extremely loud, startling BANG on the tent door. It was so loud I jumped out of sleep and felt my heart pounding painfully, which indicates it was an electronic weapon attack. It was not just the wind blowing the tarp around. The tarp does blow and make noises, but not as loud as that.

My grandmother died when somebody banged loudly on her window in the middle of the night. She was able to tell Donald what happened before she died. She jumped out of bed in terror and then fell and hit her head on the table, which resulted in her bleeding to death because she was using blood thinners. But while she was still conscious she was able to explain what made her jump out of bed like that. These are usually mind control incidents or electronic weapon attacks.

I do know they were involved with the exact moment of her death. She was unconscious in the hospital while I was driving my car into New Jersey to go see her before she died. At the exact second that I walked into the hospital, Uncle David told me, that was the moment when her heart stopped. We rationalized that she ‘knew’ I had finally arrived and so it was settled and okay for her to die, but in reality, I know that this was the result of an electronic weapon attack, which caused her to die at that exact second.

So, it is possible that electronic weapons were involved in the particular timing of my mother’s death. They decided she would die on the 22nd, and had us arrange to show up that day, but we changed the date, and she still died on the 22nd, shortly after a phone call which startled her awake.

I myself fortunately did not die of a heart attack after the extremely loud bang on my tent door in the middle of the night, but I was actually in a bit of pain. The sheer terror was painful. It was above and beyond the normal level of startlement or fright. I was definitely attacked with a weapon. I was so terrified, it hurt.

I’m going to try to get this job with Home Instead. I had a dream that came from the mind controllers, and I have reason to believe that this dream was a ‘reward’ for the fact that I was attempting to get a job that was better and different from the jobs I had been doing before. They ‘rewarded’ me by making me have sex with a dragon in the dream. The dragon had been part of a childhood fantasy that I had for a long time, until I started doing therapy with Judith Swack, at which point the mind controllers started attacking me and started getting involved in anything at all having to do with sex. Note, I did not actually fantasize about having sex with dragons in the past. These were sexual fetish cartoon characters, basically, or they had been previously. The mind controllers started interrupting me every time I felt the desire to masturbate (which happens to ALL electronic torture victims) and interfering and preventing me from doing or thinking whatever I would normally think about. They basically made it impossible to mentally visualize ANYTHING AT ALL during masturbation. I have written about this in the blog before but had to mention it again because of the dream the other night.

The dream was a ‘reward for good behavior’ due to the fact that I was trying to get a better job. It’s been so long since anything like that has happened, I had forgotten all about the fact that they used to do that, and I had assumed they weren’t even going to bother to be that stupid anymore. But they have remained stupid to this day, and they still feel the need to perform their little pointless,
ineffective religious rituals with their symbolic images. I just hadn’t done anything in recent years that was worthwhile enough for them to feel that there was any need for them to perform their religious rituals. So they ‘rewarded’ me by ‘giving me back the dragon’ that I used to be able to fantasize about while masturbating. WHOOP DE DOO, THIS TECHNIQUE IS SO EFFECTIVE I THINK I’M GOING TO JUST KEEP ON HAVING BIGGER AND BETTER ACHIEVEMENTS IN LIFE FROM NOW ON, because all I need is some symbolic mental dream images to motivate me to achieve great things!

I know that pedophiles are rewarded with opportunities to have sex with children, if they become politicians and if their policies agree with what the mind controllers want them to do. This is yet another reason why I was so interested in pizzagate – it all totally resonates with what I experience as a mind control victim.

The dream was about a dragon that was lying down in the mud. Mud is always shit in dreams like this – I have been forced to have many dreams about shit in the past. There was deep mud everywhere, the dragon was lying down in it, and the bottom half of the dragon’s body suddenly ended abruptly, without any legs or tail, just a torso that was suddenly chopped off. The upper half of the dragon’s body was still there. From the bottom of this torso, from the cut-off part, which is where, technically, the internal organs would have been leaking out because it was just chopped off there, except it seemed to be sealed shut with skin – there was an erect penis, which I was climbing onto while kneeling in this mud. There was someone else nearby and I can’t remember exactly who it was or what they were doing. I remembered it at first but I didn’t write this dream down right away so I forgot some of the details. The dragon and I were in a dark place, and this other person was in a place with more light. I could actually feel this penis very clearly as though it was real. Then I was forced awake.

I think maybe Chris and Mike were in this dream too, the ones at the house where I’m keeping Jacob, the guy who stole my debit card and used it online. I almost forgot, I asked them if I could come over tonight and see Jacob again, but it’s so snowy and miserable outside that I almost don’t want to go – I would have to take the bus the whole way and couldn’t use my bike, which makes it harder to get over there. I don’t know for sure if I will go tonight or not.

I haven’t been able to finish the job application – I feel mentally too uncomfortable to focus, still, although not as brain-foggy as I was the other day. I did talk to one lady on the phone, though, and made an appointment to go in and talk to them on Thursday. I felt as though the lady on the phone might have been an ENFP, my own dual, but I’m not sure.

Yay! No more title-less posts sent by text message!

January 30, 2017

I made it home to the tent and I’m eating some ginger because I feel once again like I wanna throw up. This is very annoying. What’s most annoying is that this disease interferes with my job search. Well, I’m going to try to sleep for a while.

I’m testing making a title in a text message

January 30, 2017

Well, let’s see if that worked. If so, we won’t have any more posts with just a date as the title.

I really need to stop being sick so I can function again

January 30, 2017

This deathly disease thing that I have right now is making me unable to do things I really need to do. I really am trying to fill out an application for a job, but I feel so miserable that I’m kind of afraid I won’t be able to even get home from the place where I’m using the internet right now, which is at the HUB. The internet stopped working at the laundromat, either because someone started hacking something or because the people at the pizza place don’t want me using their internet anymore. I don’t know which it is. I only know that lately somebody’s been making the internet stop working after I’ve been there a while, and my computer is hacked so badly and so messed up and full of crap, but I can’t work on the project of cleaning it off until I can buy things to back up my data onto. I need to back up everything and then work on cleaning up this whole computer. There is absolutely no hope of doing that right now.

I’m gonna have to take the loop bus and try to get as close to home as possible, then walk the rest of the way, because I was too tired and weak to take the bike, so I left it at home. I didn’t feel like I was able to lift up the bike and carry it down over the stone wall that I usually lift it over in the woods. I was so weak, I got off the loop bus after the internet stopped working at the laundromat, as I was attempting to move to the HUB to use the internet instead, and just walking a couple blocks down the street after getting off the bus, I started to feel like I was gonna collapse and couldn’t walk any farther.

I don’t really want to go home and sleep when I haven’t gotten anything useful done. I clicked a couple of checkboxes on the job application, but that’s all. All I could do was passively read things that were easy reading material, without really absorbing anything. I had to fight the battle of having technical difficulties connecting to the internet because of all the hacking and the screwed up browsers and just everything in general malfunctioning. When I’m doing well and when I have the equipment I need, I’m able to get the computer working again, but I can’t do that while living in a tent and not having anything to copy my data onto.

And right now I’m so sick I can’t even think, so now is not the time to do anything mentally challenging. This is right at the moment when I desperately need to fix the computer because it’s malfunctioning really badly. For instance, when I connect to the internet, it tells me I’m connected to two different networks at the same time – the regular one that I think I’m on, and then an ‘unknown network’ at the same time, or else, when I’m here at the HUB, it tells me I’m connected to two different parts of the same thing, like it’ll tell me I’m on attwifi 35 and also attwifi 25 at the same time (although at this moment, I’m only on one, after I turned off the wifi and then turned it back on again). And that’s when I start getting error messages like the security certificate is wrong, blah blah. I can’t fix this stuff right now when I can barely walk down the street without collapsing and when something is poisoning my brain with brain fog.

The right side of my throat-neck is so sore, it hurts to even turn my head. I can’t even scratch my back with my right arm if any part of my clothing presses against my neck, which happens because I’m wearing a whole bunch of thick layers – last night in bed, I had to rip off all my layers of clothing because I was trying to scratch the itch-mites that come from sitting on public chairs and public toilets, which were on my back, and I had to push my one arm all the way to the middle of my shoulder blades, which I could not do while wearing thick clothing, and my sleeve pushed against my neck while I was doing this and caused unbearable agony.

I also am not very happy about the fact that I have to cough and sneeze. I have had to cough a few times and I’m like ‘AAHHHHHH!’ screaming in agony, and I had to sneeze just now and I stifled it as much as possible to prevent it from coming out as fast as it wanted to come out. I had to turn it into a low pressure sneeze. It feels just like strep throat felt, almost, except… no, not really like strep throat. It’s only in one little region on the right side down my neck. It hurts every time I swallow, and I have some mucus production now, so I’m kind of snorting and swallowing and doing all these things to avoid triggering the pain. If this is some kind of flu, it will probably go on for like three or four weeks.

I need to start walking towards a bus stop so I can get on the loop and try to go home. Ugh. If I wake up in the middle of the night I will probably write some text message blogs without titles. Oh, actually, I will try to find out if it’s possible to make a title through a text message. I’ll look that up now while I’m still here.

Cancer viruses, pleomorphism (microorganisms changing forms); I’ve got this illness and it’s really annoying

January 30, 2017

I’ve been so sick for the past couple days that I can hardly do anything, even though I’ve been drinking coffee. I have this incredibly sore throat down the right side of my throat. It’s so sore that I can hardly open my mouth, if I try to open my mouth and look at the tonsil in the mirror. The tonsil looks normal – I don’t see white patches or anything on it. My neck is painful to the touch under the right side all the way down to the voice box.

I have a feeling of weakness in my muscles, and have been dropping things from my grip repeatedly – I think I’m holding something, but I’m not holding tightly enough and I drop it or toss it without meaning to.

I was so brain-fogged I could barely even think the other day. I stayed in bed all day long and ignored phone calls from two coworkers from Maki Yaki, although I did end up calling them back and getting in touch with them.

Kat, the INTP, visited me and I showed her where my tent was. She sat with me a while, and at one point, she warned me, ‘Watch out for your own health for a while. I knew somebody else whose family member died of cancer, and they got cancer immediately afterwards in their throat, although it was benign.’ That’s exactly like what I’m experiencing. I’ve just left WV and now I’m really sick with some agonizing pain in my throat.

I have such a feeling of weakness and brain fog that I can barely read anything mentally challenging, although I’m doing a bit better after two cups of coffee and after adding a bunch of sage and rosemary to the burger I got from Burger King. My appetite is bad – I don’t want to eat, I was almost throwing up yesterday, I had to eat ginger several times during the night last night, and today, I’m forcing myself to eat in spite of not being hungry.

I’ve already got cachexia. Cachexia is the first and most important symptom and syndrome – cachexia is what does the most harm to you. Cachexia makes you lose your appetite, because the chemical poisons emitted by the cancer are making you feel that way, long before you have any tumors that are visible. Then you start throwing up, again because of cachexia – even if there are no tumors pressing against any of your organs or directly interfering with your intestines, even if you aren’t taking any chemotherapy drugs, the cancer-induced cachexia itself starts to make you vomit.

You become weak because lactic acid is building up from the cancer, according to one website that looked pretty good – . You have to do things to get nutrients into the cells past the barrier created by the lactic acid, which interferes with normal absorption. They list a bunch of ways you can do that. They also recommend various enemas, which I would be willing to try although I would need whatever tools are used to do that. If I am ever going to treat cancer patients, I will need to experience an enema myself and will need to learn how to do it to somebody else. You have to bypass the vomiting, especially with something like pawpaw. They mention that you cannot use pawpaw with some other therapies because it interferes with their mechanism, the Budwig method in particular.

I’m reading about Rife. I googled ‘cancer virus’ and that’s how I found him. I’ve heard of him many, many times before but never really did the research. The viruses or bacteria that cause cancer can change into other forms depending on what context they are growing in.

This fits with what I read about the rabies virus when I had rabies. Rabies is less virulent when it grows in particular animals, and so they take the least virulent, least toxic form of it from this particular animal (was it the rabbit? I forget) and that’s what they use to make the live virus vaccine. It’s such a weakened form of rabies, after growing in that particular animal, that it no longer causes a deadly infection.

I’m trying to apply for a job. I have to finish filling out the application, and I have to get two personal references and two job references. This is going to be a huge obstacle, especially when I have this bad case of Contagious Cancer giving me such horrible brain fog and sensations of muscle weakness in my arms.

Hopefully my body will get over this bad case of contagious cancer in the next day or two, because I need to start functioning again pretty soon, and would like to be capable of filling out applications for jobs.

I told Kat when she visited that I had felt this terrible sensation, ever since I was with Mom, this feeling that I, too, am dying along with her, that I am fading away and getting weaker and sicker. I felt cheered up by her visit, though, and didn’t feel quite so frail afterwards. I’m going to visit my cat Jacob tomorrow hopefully and maybe they will cheer me up too – I could give Chris a hug if he is there.

I just had this awareness, whether psychological or physical, along with my feeling of coming down with an illness, this feeling that if Mom can die, so can I, and for a couple days I really felt like I was. Now, I don’t quite feel the ‘I’m dying’ sensation, just the ‘I’m sick as hell and this thing in my throat is agonizingly painful and it’s so frustrating that I can’t think with my dumb brain full of brain fog and my arms are weak.’

I’m learning a lot by researching cachexia. I’m convinced that cachexia is the most important thing that killed my mom. We needed to treat the cachexia directly. It is a phenomenon in and of itself, and it begins happening long before you can detect any tumors, long before you would even suspect you have cancer, and it causes a lot of symptoms that are associated with cancer but tumors aren’t the cause of them – there are no tumors in or near the digestive system, but yet, you lose appetite, you don’t want to eat, and you start throwing up. You aren’t changing anything in your diet or lifestyle, but you suddenly start losing weight. This is cachexia. It’s from the poisons that the cancer is putting into your body.

The Rife page said that his work went out of fashion because people decided that antibiotics were going to be far more profitable, but nowadays, people are getting interested in Rife again. It’s hard to rebuild his equipment because he was keeping it a secret, but this page says that they found some originals and reverse engineered them. Somebody just needs to do all the same research over again, basically.

There is so much good knowledge that has been lost over the years. I already know that Quackwatch would say that everything having to do with Rife is bullshit. I should go read their page just to make myself angry. Quackwatch is a really good page to go to to search for a long list of extremely effective alternative treatments, all of which will be described as ineffective. This list is in one convenient location! Just change the word ‘ineffective’ to
‘effective’ and it all becomes true.

“…Time crystals?” This must be one of those disclosure events.

January 29, 2017

I haven’t even read the article yet. It’s just something I saw someone linking to on facebook. Scientists have created ‘time crystals’ that have perpetual motion. I guess I gotta find out what this is. Disclosure and Ascension.

High tariffs; Mom is with me; land ownership and a desire to improve my life

January 29, 2017

I have a bunch of stuff to say but I might just write this really quickly and then do some other stuff. I’m eating breakfast and not focused yet. I was thinking, what if we put really high tariffs on anything imported from China? If I bought a $10 coffeemaker, it would cost $80. The immediate effect would be the resale market would come to life. Nobody would throw their cheap shitty plastic appliances in the trash anymore. We would repair them instead of replace them, and we would resell them instead of trashing them. I bought a $10 coffeemaker, and now I can resell it for $30 and it’s still cheaper for somebody than getting a new one. Interesting… And I just read that China is thinking about war with the US.

Then we would have factories in every town in the USA, but with every factory comes air pollution, water and soil pollution. I visited a couple places that had various types of factories. There’s a paper mill in Tyrone, PA, and I went past a sawmill type place when I was on my trip back here from WV, and the toxic smell of chemicals that came from it made my lungs hurt for hours.

I have very mixed, conflicting feelings about these things. I love them and I hate them. I love the factories, I hate the chemical spills. I love the jobs. I hate the disconnection from nature and primitive life and survival skills outside of society. I hate the landownership, and the fact that all of this capitalism fails to question the root cause of all the problems in society – the fact that people claim the land and large corporations, agencies, groups who possess eternal life, own every piece of land in a monopolistic way by default, while individuals must constantly battle to buy it and keep it, and if those individuals lose it, it always goes back by default to the groups who stole it and who will make money by selling it again.

The other thing I mentioned was this feeling that Mom is with me. It’s not merely that she is ‘with me.’ It’s an awareness that she *cares*. She cares about my quality of life. It’s strange how I got this idea. It’s partly because *I* cared about *her*. I care that she didn’t get everything she should have gotten, and I watched her die, and it made me realize that I’m just like her – I haven’t done what I needed to do, I haven’t enjoyed life, I’ve had a shitty time for a really long time now. If it’s wrong for Mom to die without having enough of a good life, then the same thing is wrong for me. Somehow, watching Mom die made me realize that in a more internal way, something more emotional and deeper that actually motivates me, not a mere abstract concept in the intellectual part of my brain. I actually *care* about making my life better right now. I DON’T WANT TO FORGET THAT. I am actually looking up stuff about how I could go back to school and get a better job.

I don’t ‘believe in’ getting better jobs as the solution for everything, but yet, I need one as a stepping stone to empower me so that I can make my ideas into reality. If I am going to create an alternate society, I can’t do it unless I own a really big piece of real estate to put them on. I can’t help others when I haven’t helped myself. I do want to make my ideas a reality, my ideas about living off the land and primitive skills and being a subsistence farmer, I do want to teach people the concept that land ownership is wrong, while simultaneously needing a piece of land to put those people on so that they will have a place to live, because the surrounding society requires it and I’m not strong enough to go to war against them.

the annoying website; fantasized that Mom came with me on a ski trip, Mom when she was young, happy, and healthy

January 28, 2017

So, I tried to send a message to some of these people who show that they are doing a carpool, on the badly designed website from CATA. It only sends a message internally, to and from a little mailbox that you have only there on the site, it looks like. I have no idea at all if it ever sends a notification to their real email address or not. If not, then this will be a mailbox that they never check, because surely nobody uses that website frequently – it’s only something you use once or twice and once you’ve arranged your ride you don’t need to use it on a daily basis. So these people will probably go months or years never knowing they got a message from me asking if I can get a ride with them.

I’m trying to break out of my rut by going to Altoona to look for a job. There’s nothing really magical about Altoona, except that it’s different from State College. It’s possible to find lower rent apartments there, and single apartments instead of roommates.

If I can only remember the sadness, then I will remember the desire to leave. If I forget the sadness, then nothing will matter anymore and I will just blindly and dumbly stay here. I remembered the sadness only by going to my parents’ house and seeing how much I had lost, all of my life, all of everything, all that I was supposed to be, all that my mother was supposed to be.

I drove back here with my imaginary mother taking a ride with me. She was adventurous and happy like she used to be in her youth. Long ago, in the early 1990s, she and I really did go on long trips together, when she took me back and forth to Shepherd College, WV. We played music on the cassette player – I think it eventually became a CD player, but it was originally a magnetic tape cassette. We played things like John Denver and Christopher Cross and maybe some other things I’ve forgotten.

Mom never really liked riding in the car for a long time, but back then, she tolerated it better. The older she got, the more painful and uncomfortable it was for her to ride in the car for many hours. But she used to be able to do it.

When I drove back here from Scott Depot just the other day, and took her with me in my imagination, she was cheerful and energetic and happy. It was a sunny day. She was very young. I thought all about the adventures that she should have had.

She should have had true love. She had a type of comfortable friendship, but not real passionate romantic love. I learned about socionics and I can explain it by saying she was married to her socionic mirror (ESTJ to ISTP) instead of her dual (INFJ).

So, nobody ever really knew her. I knew there was this inner life that we didn’t see or hear about. Whatever she was thinking, whatever she was feeling, we didn’t really know all of it. Whatever
undeveloped potential she had, we never saw it. She said she was happy in her life, doing her routines and taking care of the horses, but I had this feeling that her life could have been much, much more.

If she had been young and healthy for a long, long time, instead of deteriorating, if she had been stronger and more vigorous, what would she have done? Would she have started her own business? Would she have done more traveling? Would she have gone on more vacations?

Mom was a housewife, and she didn’t earn her own money. So in a way, she had the luxury of free time given to her, without the need to have a job. In that way, she was lucky. On the other hand, Dad went through an extremely frugal stage, because he wanted to save money to retire. I understand and agree with this, but yet, I felt the pain too, when we moved away from Greensburg PA to Scott Depot WV and stopped going on vacations anywhere. Vacations, and everything fun, just stopped.

I never wanted to be a parasite forcing Dad to work as a slave, especially now that I know what it’s like to have a job. But at the same time, I feel like we should have done more to enjoy our lives and the time we had. I don’t know how that could have worked out financially. I don’t know what impact it would have had on Dad’s retirement.

But when I took Imaginary Mom on this car trip, I felt that sense of adventure like she should have had. It was this feeling of brightness and sunlight, with images of her smiling and being cheerful. We wouldn’t have been alone. We would have been going with a group of friends who were able to bring out Mom’s extraverted nature. It would be like the scuba diving trips they used to go on. We should have done all these things.

I got to Snowshoe, the ski resort, and I fantasized that it was a long time ago and we were all going there as a family, for fun. We were a wealthy family, shamelessly spending our wealth on fun activities and vacations and ski resorts, just like all the other wealthy families did. In reality, we almost never went on vacations and we were extremely frugal, and never did anything openly visible that made it obvious we were wealthy. In the fantasy that day, we splurged, we did this special ski trip, and took Mom with us during a time when she was still young and vigorous. She would have happily gone skiing with us and she would have been good at it.

It was this feeling that made me want to get the hell out of State College. There were other places on earth out there, places that existed, places that weren’t so dull, weren’t so stuck in a rut, weren’t so familiar, places with fresh air and sunshine and things to do, places with adventures. I felt the sadness, knowing that this had never happened, that we stopped having adventures and stopped taking vacations after a certain time period in our family. If I can remember the sadness now, I can remember that I just want to get out of this town. I don’t want to be stuck here forever. I hate it here and I always have. It’s not just that I hate it ‘here,’ specifically, but I hate being stuck in just one single place, unable to leave, ever, unable to go on vacations, unable to travel, unable to do something different.

I have to just take ONE SMALL STEP out of this town. If only I can start working at a job in Altoona and get an apartment in Altoona, it will be slightly new scenery. It will be cheap enough that I might be able to save up a little money, or do something like go back to school. I can do a two year vocational school or community college program. That’s all I need to make an improvement in my life. If it improves my life even a little tiny bit, I can make further
improvements from there.

Rejuvenate, regenerate – still too sick to think about anything

January 28, 2017

8:40 AM 1/28/2017

I’m in a very low functioning mode right now. I’m on ibuprofen and it’s finally working because I bought some fresh ones at the convenience store. Even though I’m not in pain from cramping anymore I still am at a very low level mentally and physically, but I am still hanging around here and want to try again to write something. I am not really able to write as well as I would like. I feel very sluggish physically and mentally.

I wanted to write sometime about what I was fantasizing as I drove in the car from Scott Depot to Snowshoe and Green Bank WV. I was imagining that Mom was coming along on the trip with me. I don’t quite have the energy to write it now and I feel sick and exhausted. I will have to wait till I feel better. I actually have a sore throat in addition to starting my period and having cramps and taking ibuprofen.

I was thinking that I wish Mom could be rejuvenated, that she could have been. She should have been young and healthy much, much longer. It should be possible to rejuvenate the body and regenerate and regrow lost body parts, or change existing body parts so that they grow into a new shape. For example, if you have Weston Price deformities, there ought to be a way to command the body to reform itself gradually, but without using things like ‘spacers’ that Weston Price used, and without orthodontics, and it should be possible to do this for any part of the body.

I was thinking specifically of Mom’s back. She got a stooped back partly because of her back injury and partly from osteoporosis. It actually wasn’t as severe as some people’s stooped backs, but you could see it and it made her less flexible and less comfortable than she used to be. It ought to be possible to trigger the backbone to reform anew, but it would have to be a carefully controlled gradual process that would grow new tissue while absorbing old tissues. Some cells would have to be preserved alive, like the nerve cells. I don’t know how nerve cells work, but I don’t think they die and replace themselves.

Do individual nerve cells have to live for the entire lifetime? Or do they die and replace themselves while somehow keeping the memories in the brain intact?

Evolution doesn’t demand for us to be healthy and happy our entire lives. Evolution’s demands are minimal. We merely have to be able to have babies sometime in our mid-teens or early teens. As long as you accomplish that, evolution doesn’t care how much misery and suffering you go through afterwards. You can exist in constant horrible pain for the rest of your life as long as you were merely able to have a couple babies at a young age. That’s all evolution expects of us.

So evolution didn’t program our bodies to rejuvenate and regenerate things, because evolution doesn’t care about our lifelong suffering or happiness and health.

I’m still kind of too sick and tired to think about this – I’m trying to think about it but my brain is just shutting down and refusing to think. I really must be feeling like crap today, seriously. I was thinking about all this at my parents’ house and on the way in the car. I just can’t think about it now today.

‘The Royal Tenenbaums’ sort of matches the ‘Cabin in the Woods’ 5 archetypes

January 28, 2017

I’m not sure what brought this to my attention. I watched ‘The Cabin in the Woods’ over and over again. In the end, they describe the archetypes of five characters who are brought together to make a story: the athlete, the fool, the virgin, the whore, and the scholar. I think there must be more archetypes than this, but, even so –

So, in The Royal Tenenbaums, I can see all of them –


never mind, I am in too much pain right now to write a blog about this. I had to google their names because I forgot them and that required too much effort. I’m in the middle of cramping right now because I started my period. So much for that idea. My ibuprofen isn’t working so I bought some fresh ones, because apparently mine are stale.

All those untitled posts were about cancer; I’m working on the rideshare to Altoona thing again

January 28, 2017

4:33 AM 1/28/2017

I’d sort of like to go back and put titles on all those untitled posts that I sent by text message from the tent. They were my thoughts about cancer and cachexia. I just feel this sort of mind-numbing dread when I think about the process of opening up WordPress and trying to change the titles of all those blogs while waiting fifteen minutes for the page to load each time. Just suffice it to say that there was some interesting stuff in those posts, even though the titles just said the date and time, because I sent them by text and don’t know how to make a title and haven’t bothered to try to find out, as I have extremely limited mental energy for such projects.

I’m drinking coffee right now, which means that I will be back in the ‘excuse mode,’ where I spend the next twenty years saying, ‘I’m going to quit coffee again, as soon as XYZ is true.’

I have just one goal that I want to try. I want to try getting on a rideshare to Altoona. It was actually Tyrone that I stopped in when I was going down there, but both of them are close enough together that if I got into one, I could get to the other. The goal is to go someplace that has affordable housing and single apartments. There is no affordable housing and no single apartments in the town of State College, but there is everywhere else on earth.

Going to Altoona is just ‘one small step.’ If I can start working at a job there, and then getting an affordable apartment there, it will be one step to making my life easier and enabling me to make changes and progress.

I found the rideshare website again, and tried to log in, but have no clue what my username was. I reset my password, hoping it would also tell me what my username was, but it didn’t, and they didn’t provide any means for finding out what your username was. I tried a few possible names, but none of them worked. So I just made a whole new one.

The website annoyed me. I remembered the first time I used it. All I wanted to do was look and see if ANYBODY was already doing rides to where I was going. There was no way to just glance at a list of rides that already exist. You had only a blank screen to look at, with no idea whether anybody anywhere was even using this service at all. You had to fill out all these search parameters, and if you didn’t fill them out EXACTLY RIGHT, without anybody telling you what ‘exactly right’ would be, then you would get zero search results for rides that were going where you wanted to go.

I ended up writing an annoyed letter to the ‘help’ people at the website, that first time, and she reset my search parameters so that I would get results. This is an insanely stupid idiotic website design. You should be able to see it by looking at it and not have to have some knowledgeable person set it up for you.

Every website that makes you search for a destination at a particular time and day is horribly designed: bus schedules and plane schedules are what I’m thinking of. They should already be visible, and you should be able to scroll through them and just look at them at a glance to get a general idea, before you actually decide what specific time and all that. The only way you can find anything out is by repeatedly searching, over and over, typing in your parameters and trying to find results, never knowing if there will EVER be any results for ‘I want to fly from University Park, PA, to the town of Binjobwa, Africa.’ You can fill out the dates and times till you’re blue in the face and never get a single result, because you simply don’t know whether any flights EVER go between those two places.

I could design all of these things better. The whole thing would be entirely different from start to finish. You would *never* spend a single moment staring helplessly at a blank screen with no idea what to do and no idea where to start.

The other thing that messed me up this time was when I filled it out again, I still got no results, because you’re able to enter BAD DATA into one of the fields, and it doesn’t stop you from entering badly formatted data. I entered a time which wasn’t in the right format. It has to be exactly like this: 08:00 am. I wrote something like 8 am or something, or 8:00 am. I didn’t put a zero in front of it.

Because of that, it just erased whatever I wrote in there and put 12:00 am as the default, giving me ZERO RESULTS. Why can’t you make your defaults set up so that they are most likely to provide results, like the most commonly used times, like the help lady told me? Why can’t you make it force you to enter your data correctly so that it doesn’t end up ignoring what you wrote in there and resetting it to a default? It just lets you freely type in anything at all, so you could probably write ‘Mickey Mouse’ as the time if you wanted to.

Anyway, so I did this all over again this morning, and after I got the desired results, I suddenly became unable to do anything else beyond that. It required a new decision to be made and a new action to be taken, and I decided to eat the sandwich I just bought and drink my coffee and type a blog instead of taking further action or making further decisions.

Also, I started my period this morning and wasn’t prepared for it. I will have to deal with that for the next few hours and might not be in the best mood for doing ambitious things that require mental focus.

27 January, 2017 13:59

January 27, 2017

Patients heal faster inside a room whose walls are tiled with shungite (and I assume shieldite, as well). If EMF from cell phone towers disables my sense of smell, and if cell phones cause brain tumors, maybe EMF stops the body from reading its map of the location and differentiation of each specialized cell. Typo: “make,” not “male,” previous post.

27 January, 2017 13:38

January 27, 2017

PET scans use radioactive sugar to male tumors glow on the scan. Radioactive sugar sounds like a cancer treatment in and of itself. It’s a trojan horse that irradiates only tumors, while failing to enter all the starving normal cells that are blocked by imgl2. Berberine is herbal insulin, an alternative, so you can get it yourself without prescriptions or injections. Take berberine to lower blood sugar, then take low dose pawpaw (herbal chemo), because it’s emetic and low dose is preferable, then take sugar. I think glucose syrup or glucose candy is nonprescription. My diabetic friend Peter used that. The trojan horse cancer feeding concept led me to read about the insulin modulated low dose chemo. Why doesn’t the radioactive sugar kill the tumor? But always remember, cachexia matters too. It must be treated to keep the patient alive. My mom’s whole body wasted away. There are multiple prongs of the strategy. Destroy tumors, treat cachexia, and also, try to explain why the body cannot already beat cancer on its own. What’s it thinking when it sees a cancer cell? “I’m not allowed to kill that – it’s an ovary cell!” How does cancer cloak itself? How does the body map the correct locations of things? Bioelectromagnetic fields guide and shape the developing cells of the fetus, providing a map telling them what to differentiate into if they are in a location. Does cancer prevent the body from reading its own “map?”

27 January, 2017 12:56

January 27, 2017

Cachexia: there is a treatment that already exists, where you give insulin to lower blood sugar, then give low dose chemo, then give sugar. The cancer cells absorb all the poison as they eagerly eat the sugar. I forget what it’s called – insulin modulated chemotherapy or something. Anyway. Thoughts about imgl2 or whatever the cachexia protein is. 1. Induce the cytochrome that metabolizes imgl2. 2. Provide an insulin-like substance that binds to the receptors more strongly than imgl2, but which allows sugar into normal cells. 3. Is there an insulin-like substance that determines whether protein and fat are able to enter normal cells? Do cells starve of protein too, not just sugar, in cachexia? And fat? And other needed substances? Which gland controls blood protein and fat the way the pancreas controls sugar? 4. Make a vaccine against imgl2, or immunoglobulin against it. That protein will now trigger an immune response. It probably already does, and inflammation is already there, so this was just an idea. The goal is to treat cachexia. Cachexia is recognized as a special disease of its own. What other ideas for battling cachexia?

27 January, 2017 08:14

January 27, 2017

Going out of town, seeing my family, seeing death, and simply seeing other locations, and drinking tons of coffee, helped get my brain out of the rut. It became easy, automatic, obvious, and effortless to realize or decide that I would like to go back to school and get a better job. But being back here dealing with the immediate need for an income, I have to postpone all the plans. The plans just made themselves passively and easily when I was merely lying on the couch in the den in WV, because the electronic mind control matrix is different in that location and I am not forbidden to make plans there. In this location, PA, plan-making is instantly punished with zapping. After too long, the plans will be unwritten and I will be trapped.

27 January, 2017 06:56

January 27, 2017

I’m writing from the tent. I had a ton of coffee while driving back here. Now I am drinking through a bottle of coke but will reduce my caffeine again. I am in despair. I need to get a job for immediate short term needs and abandon all long term plans. This is extremely frustrating because believe me, I HAVE PLANS. There are things I want very much to do but I must grab a quick minimum wage job just to get food and pay my credit card off again. I am so frustrated to be entering the death cycle again. Like I said, the doors slam behind me as I enter this town. I can’t write about it on my phone. I am just…. so…… frustrated!!!

Cachexia, Insulin resistance: results from ‘metabolic syndrome’ and also from exposure to IMPL2 protein secreted by cancer cells

January 26, 2017

I’m just connecting things together.

There is ‘metabolic syndrome.’ You get insulin resistance and Type 2 diabetes, for whatever reason. But this is usually associated with being fat.

Cachexia: When you get cancer, you waste away. Cancer tumors secrete IMPL2, a protein that prevents other cells from using sugar, which is for all practical purposes insulin resistance (says an article in the google results).

What is the connection between metabolic syndrome and cancer tumors? How are they similar? Are there any ways to treat or fix metabolic syndrome that will also be helpful for treating cancer? Do insights into the one also apply to the other?

So, why did Mom and Dad both get malignant cancer at the same time?

January 26, 2017

5:01 AM 1/26/2017

On January 9, 2014, there was a chemical spill *discovered* in the Elk River, although it had actually been leaking for an unknown length of time before it was discovered. This chemical was then pulled into the intake of a water company downstream.

I was there visiting my mother and father in Scott Depot when this happened. We got our water from a different company. However, I tasted something funny in our water. I think that the leaking chemical was able to get down into other sources of water, maybe the aquifer or something, so that it spread to other places besides just the closest water intake for that one particular water company.

So, I suspect that maybe my parents’ drinking water was indeed contaminated by this chemical, although maybe not as badly as other people’s were. And my mom drank tons and tons of water – she actually had a drinking water ‘habit.’ She would carry a large cup with a lid and just take little sips of water all day long everywhere she went. We joked about it, about how she couldn’t be without her cup of water.

Three years later, she died of cancer, just a few days ago on January 22nd, 2017 (the 22nd was originally the day when John and I were going to visit, but we decided she was so sick we must hurry, so thankfully, we went sooner!).

I don’t know if the chemical spill caused her cancer or not, and I don’t know if it would take three whole years for the cancer to grow up enough to cause her so much suffering. Dad said that she was starting to get sick throughout the whole year of 2016. She became unable to eat much food – ‘early satiety’ – she would feel like she was full after only a few bites. Then she started having heartburn. None of these things were severe enough to make anybody worry, until about November or so, when she was just so unable to eat, she started starving.

I mentioned in another post the other day that my *DAD* also got cancer during this time period. He got *malignant* cancer during this time period. He had always had ‘benign’ tumors, basal cell
carcinomas, on his skin, for many decades, and would occasionally have them removed. But then, sometime in the last couple years – do I recall correctly exactly when it was? I don’t. Was it after January, 2014? I’m not 100% sure. I don’t know if I blogged about it anywhere, and Dad would get defensive if I asked him about it. But I do remember, it was recently. On one of my most recent visits he confessed he had a malignant melanoma that was surgically removed. This was the first time this had ever happened.

Now he is constantly watching out for more malignant melanomas on his skin.

If I knew for sure, if I could remember, that the malignant melanoma happened during this same time period, after January 2014, during the same time when Mom developed cancer – I have a hunch that some factor caused both of them to get malignant cancer at the same time, and the chemical spill is a good hypothesis. I just don’t know the rate of speed, how long it takes, for a chemical to cause cancer and for that cancer to grow up enough to cause major problems in the body. Dad was able to see his cancer because it was on the outside, but Mom couldn’t see hers on the inside.

I think these chemicals trigger your pre-cancerous lesions to become malignant, because Dad always did have pre-cancerous lesions on his skin, and the skin is where he then had his malignant cancer. Whatever Mom had on the inside, I don’t know – maybe she had pre-cancerous lesions as a result of taking chemotherapy drugs in the past? She could have had anything going on in there and we will never know. I didn’t have a say in getting her autopsied to look inside and find out the exact details of what was going on in there. If it was up to me, I would have – I really wanted to know.

What other factors were they exposed to during the last couple years?

Well, they did build a new back porch, and it’s made out of some kind of fake plastic wood. Maybe touching and handling that plastic wood gave them cancer, because it probably leaches a lot of chemicals. The old back porch was made of rotten real wood that was so rotten it was dangerous to go walk on the porch. It had to be done.

What else???

Did they start taking any new medications? I don’t know all the details of their medications. I know they have both been on various things. Dad’s using blood pressure meds, and also blood thinners, he told me. Mom was on antidepressants at one point but might not have stayed on them.

They also had diet sodas, so they were drinking artificial sweeteners. However, that was nothing new. I don’t know how long they were doing that. I also don’t know *why* they were doing that – they had some sodas that had real sugar, and some that had artificial. Maybe Mom drank one and Dad drank the other? Ironically, Mom hated the chemical taste of fake sugar, so I think she was drinking the real sugar ones (and fake sugar is suspected of causing cancer). Real sugar is said to participate in causing cancer, but – I am talking about *new* factors that would have appeared suddenly in the last couple years. They were both eating sugar their entire lives. I’m only interested in things that they were exposed to relatively recently.

I’m not sure of this, but I think they might possibly have been getting flu shots, too.  I don’t know when they started doing that.  I’m not entirely certain that they did. So they might have gotten one of the bad, cancer-causing batches of the flu shot too.

So yeah. BOTH OF THEM have cancer. Dad may or may not still have active, malignant cancer someplace – we don’t know, and from what he said to me the other day, he is still going to doctors’ appointments and still looking for melanomas.

I wonder if having body fat protects you from fat-soluble chemicals. You can put the toxic chemicals into the fat cells and keep them isolated from the body. Mom had absolutely no fat. So she had no place to store the toxic fat-soluble coal-processing chemical that went into the water supply – it was an oily chemical. Dad is fatter, so maybe he was able to put all the oily cancer-causing chemical spill into the fat cells and keep it away from the rest of the body systems. I dunno, I’m just theorizing.

Why did my lost sense of smell return in the radio silent zone around Green Bank, WV? Do cellular frequencies deactivate the sense of smell?

January 26, 2017

2:06 PM 1/25/2017

I’m in Green Bank, WV. There is no cell phone service here. I got out at a gas station to use the bathroom, and I suddenly noticed that I had an extremely powerful sense of smell. I smelled everything and I smelled it extremely strongly. I haven’t been able to smell much of anything in YEARS. The last time I was able to smell anything was the couple of days when I briefly got pregnant in September 2016 before it miscarried.

I have never smelled so much at once, everything, everywhere, –

When the sense of smell is gone, emotions and memories are also gone. No emotions, no memories, no meaning to life. Smells trigger memories and emotions in a direct, instinctive, physical, powerful, immediate way, and this has been studied by scientists.

(*Edit: I think this tinnitus was caused by driving with the car window slightly open. It continued the rest of the drive. I originally thought it was happening only in Green Bank. There might actually be something I can hear there, but I will have to test it again on a day when I haven’t been driving with the car window down.*) I have a high pitched tinnitus in my left ear everywhere in this town. That wasn’t what I normally hear. It is a constant tinnitus. I think it’s usually being modulated by the attackers and by the cell phone frequencies, so that’s why it doesn’t usually sound constant. The noise is unchanging now.

Either that, or the observatory actually radiates something. This is possible: I read that it doesn’t merely listen and receive, it also shoots the concentrated radio that it’s receiving back upwards onto a thing that hangs over the top of the antenna dish. So it’s actually shooting something, and maybe that creates a constant background high pitched noise in my tinnitus.

I’m going to try to take a brief nap in my car here and see what happens.

I also drove through Snowshoe, WV, and enjoyed it, although I’m anxious about getting home. I’d like to go back when I feel like I have nothing to worry about.

I don’t know whether my left ear tinnitus is caused by an active emission of the observatory, or caused by the lack of modulation by cellular frequencies and attackers. It’s kind of annoying, actually, and seems to be loud.

But that sense of smell thing – what on earth could give me back my sense of smell, suddenly, in Green Bank, unless cell phone radiation destroys the sense of smell? The sense of smell must somehow depend on an electromagnetic interaction.

Oh, if people knew what they were missing! Our souls would come back. Our lives would come back. Life would matter again.

Could it be negative ions in the air? The air is somewhat fresh here because of the mountains, and the lack of radio might mean that healthy negative ions are remaining intact?

The sense of smell is so sensitive, it can detect something at a concentration of only a few molecules. If it’s that sensitive, then it might rely on electromagnetic fields somehow. It may detect a large field rather than just detecting molecules. I don’t know, I’m hypothesizing.

I’m back in State College now after a very, very long drive all over the place, after making a couple mistakes and having to turn around. My sense of smell has faded. I can only smell a little bit now.

Getting ready to leave

January 25, 2017

I have this terrible feeling of loneliness and despair. I’m about to get in the car and go back to State College, just because I can’t afford to rent the car much longer, and I need to take care of my belongings in the tent, and check on Jacob at Mike & Chris’s house. I also need to deal with a few other things there like my box at the UPS store.

Mom was one of the few people who understood that the demons were real. I don’t really refer to them as ‘demons,’ since I don’t believe they are supernatural, but yet, ‘demons’ is the easiest way to describe them metaphorically. When I talked to her on the phone in the last few years, she sounded like she was losing hope for me, and she would say things like ‘I know your demons won’t let you, but you really need to try to do X.’

I still have hope for myself – believe it or not, even now after so much disaster I believe I can do things to make my life better.

But Mom understood that there were forces destroying my life, forces I cannot control, forces that are not my fault, forces that are more powerful than I am. My failures are not entirely my own. My failures are not entirely my fault. My father is in the camp of people who believe that I have infinite power and infinite control over my own destiny, and therefore all of my failures are totally my own fault.

My mom however somehow understood the concept of powerlessness much better than he does. She understood that *something* is holding me back, and that something is external, something else, something that is not me. She understood that I can’t just push a magic button and decide to fix everything by a mere act of will.

It was like having an ally in the world. I do appreciate it that Dad made it sound like he intended to possibly continue the thing of sending money to me. He might, he might not, and if he doesn’t, that’s okay. But it helps me psychologically and emotionally to know that somebody understands the world the same way I do. I want people who understand things the way that I understand them. I felt like I had an ally in this battle, in Mom. She wasn’t a really accessible ally.

There must be other allies out there, and yes, I have found them online, other people who experience things similar to me. I am able to look for them. It’s just nice to have a family member who knows it, my mom who I have known for 42 years. (John, I appreciate your support too – you pay attention to what’s going on in my life and you have an understanding of it.)

I might go with Dad to do the horses. I don’t know. How long will that take?