Archive for April, 2012

group fantasy play in children

April 30, 2012

9:38 PM 4/30/2012

What about imaginary play in children? It’s fascinating to read about how children play pretend. We used to play ‘Dungeons and Dragons,’ but not the board game – we role-played it outdoors. It was me, my brother John, Jeremy the neighbor, and Billie Jean his sister. We would run around the backyard and make up scenarios for what we were doing. We pretended the airplanes were dragons and we would have to go fight them.

In a group play, someone spontaneously says ‘Pretend that X.’ Let’s pretend that something is true. Pretend that something happened. Pretend that this object is actually something else.

Then everyone agrees to pretend that. I was reading about this somewhere, a couple years ago. They said that children were surprisingly agreeable and cooperative while they were playing pretend. They would pretend that something was something else, or something had a meaning, or something was happening, and everyone would agree that this was true, and they would remember it.

I remember trying not to contradict previous things that we had pretended during the scenario, or contradict the other directions that other people were trying to take it. Sometimes one person would try to pretend something that the other people didn’t like, and so we would have to argue and change the direction of the pretending. You could see which people dominated which other people in the group. We didn’t like it if we had people who were too bossy, people who always wanted to tell everybody else what to do instead of letting us all contribute to deciding what to do. Some people just followed along. Some people were copycats – Billie was a copycat. She copied everything I did.

I remember feeling frustrated as I got older because it became harder for me to spontaneously pretend things and invent things and imagine things. I needed someone else to suggest what to pretend. I ran out of ideas. I ran out of scenarios for my toys. My toys would role-play storylines, but it got to be the same boring old things again and again after a while.

Anyway, children playing pretend, in a group, is a really good example of how groups behave. They are trying to accomplish some kind of a goal together. They seem to instinctively know that it’s good to let everyone contribute something, but at the same time, there usually tends to be a leader who makes the final decisions. If they never take one particular person’s suggestions, then that person will soon be saying, ‘We never do anything that *I* want to do!’ and if it happens too often and too consistently, that person will be dissatisfied with playing in that group, and they will want to be in a different group. (I sort of have that feeling, myself.) There is usually one particular person who always has really good ideas for what to play, and if that person isn’t there, the whole group is bored.


April 30, 2012

8:23 PM 4/30/2012

‘Unintelligible sounds’ – There was a band called Cocteau Twins that my brother found a long time ago. She sang in something that was like semi-glossolalia, speaking in tongues, making up words that were not words, and sometimes mixing them with real words. The melody of the music was beautiful. There were a couple of songs that we all really liked, several of us, my brother and I and our friend Lindsay who was Rachael’s sister (Rachael my best friend). ‘Carolyn’s Fingers’ was one of the classic best ones. It had these sequential, rising arpeggios. I wrote down and memorized the glossolalia words and I was able to sing along with the song without caring that the words had no meaning. It was better that they had no meaning. I can’t sing as well as I would like to be able to, but if I could sing, I would probably like to sing in glossolalia.

I listen to the foreign people talking when they pass me. The melody of their words tells me what emotions they are expressing. I try to copy their words and their melody after they pass me, whispering their sounds again.

You can listen to baby talk.  You can tell what emotion the baby is trying to express, and get some idea of what’s wrong, or what they’re interested in, even though it sounds like babble.

Animals communicate with their sounds. They might not have translateable meanings or ‘words,’ but they convey something which is meaningful and understood by the other animals. And they might even have real words.

It’s possible to walk into a group of people and hear the tone of all the muttering and get a feeling of whether it is safe and relaxed, or tense and anxious, or threatening.

They say that if you have twin babies growing up together, they will make their own language of baby talk, and it’s a completely new language that never existed, and they’re the only ones who understand it.

“In contrast, an explanation of something mental that is devoid of emotions would become intolerably boring were an understanding of the words themselves to be taken from us.” It could be like a soothing, comforting, hypnotic, calming drone to some people. There are people who like droning, rhythmic, repetitive music without much melody. That’s what I imagine that would sound like.

Teams at camp: I did go to a church camp just before eighth grade, with one of my friends. I had been shy and unpopular and nerdy in school, but suddenly at this camp I became more popular and more confident and more talkative. We wore the kind of backpacks that have a metal frame, the big heavy ones. It was far enough back in the woods that they gave us warnings about how to protect ourselves from bears. I don’t even remember where we were, actually. I guess it was someplace in West Virginia. I really loved that camp. I had fun at band camp too. And I had fun on school field trips.

I would get this feeling of camaraderie and togetherness. I would have a shared feeling with other people. We would look at each other and understand without saying anything.

One reason why I sincerely enjoy working at McDonald’s more than at any of my other jobs is because we all cooperate as a team, and perform different functions. We are all together in the same area, always talking, laughing, and fooling around while working, unless it’s really busy and we have to focus. I like being in positions where I’m free to decide what needs to be done most, and I don’t like being trapped someplace where I can’t move around. I look around the room and I can see where they need something, and I go over there and I do it. I don’t like being required to stay up at the front counter to wait for customers, because I can’t leave and go run around and do all the different tasks that require me to go to other places. I prefer to work in the kitchen instead.

The ‘5 or more members’ is reminding me of ‘The Cabin In The Woods,’ which required five people of particular archetypes. Sigourney Weaver explained that the ritual required at least five people.

In college, I was in an Advanced Placement group, and we lived on the same wing of the dorm, and we were all friends. Almost all. There were two girls who sort of didn’t fit in with the rest of us. There was me, Valencia, Joy, Stacey, Jessie, Sherry (and later Elizabeth, her roommate), and then I guess that other girl Rachel had a different social group from us too. So sometimes all seven of us would go eat together in the dining hall. I think it was seven.

(That just reminded me of the book ‘IT’ by Stephen King.  There were seven kids who fought the monster.  When they fought it the second time, one of them was dead, and they had to fight with only six people.  That was one of my all time favorite books, and I reread it many times.  I loved the theme of camaraderie in that book.  They all cut their hands and they bled, and they held hands and swore to return if it started happening again – a blood oath.)

It all depended on Valencia (a suspected EII – she typed sometimes as INFJ or ENFJ on the Myers-Briggs, and she was my best friend through all of college, and we spent many, many hours together talking). If Valencia was gone, then none of the rest of us really had much energy or enthusiasm. We might go eat together, but feel shy together, and the ‘clusters’ would form in the group, where one or two people would talk to each other and exclude all the others. But if Valencia was there, she would direct the conversation to many different people in the group, and she prevented the clusters from forming. Then again, she also did a lot of the talking herself, and she was a comedian, making everyone laugh. The whole group was quiet and boring without her, in my opinion, and it just wasn’t the same at all if she was gone. When she was there, it was definitely more of a ‘group’ conversation instead of a bunch of people talking to each other separately in pairs.

Chinese food

April 30, 2012

6:57 PM 4/30/2012

I have mostly rested today, after fixing the car. I did not sleep well last night at all, and it was much worse because I had to get up early. I took a nap in the afternoon, but didn’t really fall asleep very much during the nap either. I was hungry, and I was thinking of Rick eating khinkalis, if that is the right word – I saw pictures of them, and they sort of looked like wontons or dumplings of some kind.

Since I was thinking of wontons, I decided I wanted wonton soup. This was very unusual. I never eat Chinese food anymore. Ever since I had stomach problems years ago (in 1999 or so), my stomach has been more sensitive than it used to be, and I often start to feel like I’m going to throw up when I’m eating in a restaurant, so that’s one big reason why I never eat in restaurants, I just get fast food. This is much better when I’m not drinking coffee, though. My stomach greatly improves and becomes less sensitive. I’ve been off coffee for a week now. I can probably tolerate eating in restaurants again.

I wanted to eat bizarre and exotic foods. Those are always the ones I want to eat – the weirdest, riskiest ones, the most unfamiliar ones. This can lead to horrible food poisoning, if, for instance, someone tells me that bone marrow is edible and I find out from experience that no, it is not, or perhaps someone needs to explain exactly how to prepare it so that it becomes edible. But other times when I try exotic foods, I am okay.

So I had a tiny bit of many different things from the buffet. I didn’t eat a lot. I haven’t been able to eat a lot of food all at once since I had stomach problems. But I was able to get just one or two bites of a whole bunch of different things. I got seaweed salad, sushi with raw fish (it didn’t have eel in it) with wasabi and ginger (wasabi is supposed to be anti-parasitic, and ginger is anti-emetic – it prevents vomiting. I know that I have used it for carsickness, and it worked extremely well for that.), tiny clams, a mussel, and some other random things. I got my wonton soup too. It was the first thing I ate. The seaweed salad had a strange texture. It almost seemed to disappear in my mouth while I chewed it. I recalled that seaweed sometimes contained oligosaccharides, a type of sugar which is hard to digest and which can cause gas – it’s in beans too.

Several times while I was eating, I had the feeling that I was going to pass out or vomit. I ate the pickled ginger. I wasn’t really sick at my stomach. Instead, something was probably causing me to have low blood pressure. I think I’ve figured that out by now. If I feel like passing out and vomiting at the same time, but I don’t have a really strong vomit urge, just a sort of weakness, then it’s probably low blood pressure.

I’m going to walk around the park a little bit. I came here and saw that the Muslim women were here wearing their full-body hijabs, or whatever they’re called – that’s probably the wrong word. They have the ones that cover the entire head and face, showing only the eyes. I’m actually happy to see them here. The Asians come to this park, too, lots and lots of them. We have a ton of Asians in this area. I wrote a blog not too long ago and I said something like, ‘Why on earth would they want to come here, of all places?’ But I know that this is much more peaceful to them than China, where they are probably not allowed to have children – and they always have children here at the park, always. It makes me happy to see them too.

I often noticed that I was happy for no reason after going to Chinese restaurants. In the past I drank the tea, but I did not drink tea tonight, since I’m not drinking anything caffeinated, and I’m not eating chocolate either. So it wasn’t caused by tea. I’ve gotten happy, euphoric feelings from drinking tea in the past – camellia sinensis tea – the generic ‘tea’ that we think of, English tea, black tea, whatever. That euphoria is short-lived and temporary, and I quickly lose the ability to feel it if I drink the tea more often. It only happens if I drink the tea very rarely.

I wonder if it could be MSG, monosodium glutamate, but in recent years they haven’t added a lot of that to the Chinese foods in the restaurants because people complained about it so much – it gives you a terrible headache and abdominal pains.

I had ginger. Ginger always gave me drug effects. It always improved my intelligence and my cheerfulness, and I viewed it as a mental stimulant, although it might not actually be a stimulant, it might be a relaxant – I don’t know the different properties of ginger.

There might be other things that could cause me to feel happy for no reason. I am not aware of all the different drug-like chemicals in the food.

It’s a feeling that it’s fake and temporary and that it will soon pass and I will ‘crash’ back to my normal level of happiness. I’m not extremely happy, just a tiny bit more cheerful than usual for no reason. I am suspicious of any drug-like effects whenever I’m not aware of having taken a drug. I’ve always paid attention to that, ever since I became capable of observing my reactions to foods and chemicals. Feeling happy and cheerful is not a bad thing, but it kind of also feels like mania. And it has this shallowness to it, like I’m almost happy, but not really, like I have to ‘push’ too hard to feel that unnatural happiness, somehow. The happiness doesn’t keep flowing of its own momentum. It’s more like a desire for a happiness that I can’t quite reach. It is a not completely satisfying happiness. It’s like this euphoria, like I would leap with joy, like I would be a child again. I saw some children next to the park, and one kid was rolling on the grass while playing around, and I suddenly remembered that I used to roll down the hills a long time ago. I haven’t remembered that in years, but all of a sudden I remembered it, when I was in this particular mood state. I would somersault forwards or backwards, or lie on my side and roll down the hill in the grass.

I also recall a time period in my late teens and early twenties when I first noticed that I loved the beauty and the differentness of all races of people. I discovered that I loved foreign people and unusual people. I even loved ugly people. I loved the beauty and uniqueness of every person I saw. I’m not sure why I was feeling that way during that time period. I’m suspicious of it, because, yeah, it was a kind of mania. I was manic back then, fantasizing that I would learn everything on earth that could possibly be learned, and do everything on earth that could possibly be done, and there was so much that I couldn’t do it all, and didn’t know where to start. It was this overwhelming, all-embracing mania where I loved everything on earth and I was interested in everything on earth, but I could only have time to do a tiny number of things, and had to skip all the rest.

So I have always had manic tendencies, a tendency towards this joyous euphoria and a tendency to want to do a million things that I could not possibly do. That explains why I am so self-restricting nowadays, forbidding myself to learn things, forbidding myself to start new projects that will take up time and money and will soon be abandoned. I have a lifetime of experience with that pattern.

But the mania caused by my drug residues is much worse than any of the ‘natural’ manic tendencies and euphoric tendencies that I ever had in the past. I don’t know what caused those feelings back then, because I didn’t know all the things I know now, so I could not observe correlations. But drug residue mania is more severe and causes many more problems than that previous type of mania. It will be extremely helpful for me to get rid of the drug residues, and whatever maniacal tendencies I have left afterwards will be mostly harmless.

The fortune cookie said ‘Now is the time to try something new.’

fixed, for now

April 30, 2012

The brakes and headlights are fixed. They had to put in new rotors, so it cost more. Now I understand what he meant when he gave me the estimate and said ‘if they don’t need anything else.’ It was $313. That’s a big chunk of the money that I’m supposed to be using for my time off work. I don’t have much. I practiced driving around a bit again, getting used to using the foot brake instead of the hand brake. It was really hard to stop using the parking brake. I got so used to hearing a screech of metal scraping when I used the foot brake that now I’m reluctant to use it.

So, now I have to get back to the project of clearing the woods around my home.


April 30, 2012

Someone’s building a perfect replica of the Titanic ship. I wonder if the replica will have enough life boats for all the passengers? That was one of the key events in the movie, that there were too few lifeboats for all the passengers, because they didn’t want the extra ‘clutter’ of having more lifeboats. It seems like if you are going to rebuild a ship, you should troubleshoot the thing that caused the disaster to be that bad in the first place. I’m seeing things on the news – there’s a TV on next to me.

still sitting here waiting

April 30, 2012

Ugh, I did make the mistake of reading about men’s hairstyles. The differences between most of them are trivial. You grow one part of your hair a couple millimeters longer than you had it last year, and cut another part of it a couple millimeters shorter than you had it last year, and it’s a new hairstyle. They all look the same to me – boring. It’s even worse with black men’s hair. The only styles that they showed were shaved all the way down to a couple millimeters. The ‘style’ was changed by changing the shape of the outline around your face, which is trivial. It looks horrible no matter how they do it. Afro hair should be grown out long too, not just straight Caucasian hair.

Stuck at McD waiting for the car to get fixed. It will cost more than they thought. Criticism of some website with factually incorrect information about what causes wrinkles and pimples. A baldness rant.

April 30, 2012

8:53 AM 4/30/2012

I’m sitting at McDonald’s waiting for a call from the car repair people. I’m recharging my cell phone and my netbook. The overhead music is so loud that I could not possibly concentrate on anything if I felt like I could read or study something online.

I was thinking about math. I wonder what it would be like to study math in a foreign language, for the purpose of learning the language and the math at the same time. I keep thinking of the idea that if I learn a foreign language, I want to learn entirely new concepts that I don’t know in my native language, so that I’m not wasting time reading things that are too easy and uninformative. I would want to actually gain knowledge while reading in a foreign language.

I can’t do any studying yet. I never allow myself to start up any studying projects when I’m not manic. When I’m manic, I start up something which will inevitably be abandoned, and which usually costs money. The projects lead me somewhere I don’t want to go yet. If I choose something to study, it has to be something that I strongly believe will be useful for me very quickly. I want to avoid projects that have an extremely long investment of time before they pay off. I also want to avoid debt. So I want to know how I am going to apply this skill or this knowledge in the short term future.

I loved studying math in school, but it has a very long investment time before you can do anything useful with it. You have to get to very high level math before you can start using it along with physics and science. And then, you’re usually doing something that I don’t want to do, such as helping the government build bombs and other things for war. So many physics and science jobs are for the government and the military. You could also use it to build high-tech gadgets, but I believe that we already have enough inventions, and we need to simplify them, not make them more complicated. I’d prefer to have an older computer that couldn’t do as much stuff, instead of having one that can do a million things I don’t need. I don’t necessarily *want* to work at a job that designs and builds gadgets. The exception to this might be a business that builds electromagnetic shielding and detection equipment.

I’m thinking of what I would do to earn an income if I lived in a city. ‘They’ still keep encouraging me to believe that I will actually be with Rick someday.

I’m imagining myself in the hiking photos with him. I am not at all photogenic, not anymore anyway, not with my ascetic hair. I am not a trophy wife – I am a shame wife, someone that you don’t let your family know you’re with. I wouldn’t want to make him look bad. I would not appear next to him in all his public photos on his websites. It’s hard for me to imagine that he would be proud to be with me. Maybe I would settle after a while.

I’m still just waiting for the car. That’s why I’m sitting here blogging. I don’t have enough caffeine to feel strongly focused, and also, this loud overhead music is still very distracting, and I can’t think.

Aaaaaaaah! This is ridiculous. I just looked up the word ‘grooming’ to see if it was the word I was trying to say (where I ended up writing ‘ascetic hair’ instead, above). I went to a ‘men’s grooming’ page, and clicked on another link. I’m on ’10 habits that ruin your appearance.’ Number 7, touching your face, is ridiculously untrue. They believe that pimples can be caused by touching your face with dirty hands that have picked up bacteria, and also, that rubbing your face pulls the skin and causes wrinkles. Pimples are not caused by dirtiness. I think pimples might be caused by soap, shampoo, and hair conditioner. I haven’t used any soap for a couple years now and I don’t get pimples, and my skin is dirty. My hair is extremely greasy, and so is my face, but I don’t have any pimples at all.

Some kinds of shampoo and conditioner are worse than others. Anything that claims to add something to your hair, and leaves a sort of thick, greasy feeling, is also adding that greasy stuff to your face. I used to get the ‘clogged pores’ when I was a teenager, these pores with solid waxy stuff in them. I had pimples really badly. I had them all over the top of my back, which I’m pretty sure was caused by the hair conditioner.

As far as I know, pimples are probably caused by eating a particular kind of diet while also going through hormone changes at the same time. The foods that are suspected of causing pimples are basic foods that are ubiquitous in the diet, like milk, wheat, and chocolate. I haven’t had any pimples in such as long time that I can’t observe any correlations. But it has nothing to do with dirtiness. I am not germ-phobic. The ordinary ‘germs’ on random surfaces around us are not harmful. Drug residues cause far more serious health problems than germs do.  (I mean ordinary surface germs, not ‘real’ germs like the black plague, smallpox. etc.)

There’s been only a couple of rare times when a doctor told me a piece of information that was actually useful. One of those times was when I went to a dermatologist and he told me that bath sponges will cause you to get these big painful lumps in your armpits. I stopped using sponges, and used only washcloths instead, and it stopped happening. Apparently some kind of bacteria or fungus or something is in the wet sponge. Usually, doctors can’t help me and they don’t tell me anything useful, but this was one of the times when they did. So, sponges probably can cause pimples too.

Wrinkles are not caused by merely pushing or rubbing your face. The only exception to this would be if you were stretching the skin for a very long time, like the way people use the gauge earrings to make their ear piercings bigger. Skin will eventually grow larger if you stretch it. But that’s if you keep it stretched in the same position for a long time.

Actually, if I felt motivated, I could argue against something in almost every one of the things in this ’10 things’ article. Almost every one of them has factual errors. They are filled with things that are simply not true, and things that are just useless. A few things are true. It’s true that lots of suntanning will cause your (Caucasian) skin to become wrinkled earlier, but not if you’re brown-skinned.

And, as always, good advice about hair is taboo. There’s nothing about hair at all.  (Actually, I’m thinking that maybe this particular article avoids talking about hair, but there might be other articles that do talk about it.  I haven’t bothered to look.  I don’t really want to look.) I’ve written about it so many times that it’s not worth bothering with again… but I just got the call from the shop, and they’re going to call me back in another hour.

Anyway, men’s hair is taboo because of the phenomenon of baldness. Men are judged for being bald, and they do all these things to try to fix that. They say things like, if you go bald, you have to completely shave your head, which, in my opinion, is the worst possible thing that you can do to yourself. This ‘things that ruin your appearance’ list doesn’t include anything about hair because hair is not really under your control, according to mainstream culture. Every man merely needs to shave his head and his face and keep his hair cut to 1/2 inch or so, and all is well, and he doesn’t need to think about it, and if you go bald, it sucks to be you.

I could write another big rant about this, since I’m sort of stuck here waiting for the car for a while (with this horribly loud music blaring). I could write a medium-sized rant, which is probably what I will do instead.

I chose to accept baldness whenever I was in my early twenties. It was a conscious choice. Originally, I had thought baldness was bad, and I went along with the rest of the world when they made fun of it. When I grew up, when I was mature, I realized it was something that a guy has no control over, and in order to ‘fix’ his baldness, he has to either take drugs or get some kind of plastic surgery. (Or he can stop taking the drugs that cause baldness.) I think it’s wrong to expect a guy to do either of those things. It’s better to avoid using any drugs, and plastic surgery is expensive and disgusting and unnatural, and your body has some kind of reaction to anything fake that you implant into it, so it’s not good for you. I think baldness is something that nobody should ever make fun of, for any reason.

One reason why I decided to accept baldness was because I myself had stopped shaving, and I wanted men to accept that I didn’t shave. I wanted men to accept the way my body hair is, and so I would accept the way their hair was too. It’s not quite the same, because I can still choose to shave and look normal if I want to, but a bald man cannot easily choose to stop being bald without having to do those things I listed.

I’ve written about this several times in the past, and I don’t know if I feel energetic enough to rewrite the whole thing now, but I eventually decided that I love long hair so much that I would advocate for bald men to grow their remaining hair long, and also grow a beard if they are able to. I actually have seen a moderate number of men who were bald and who grew their hair long, and I liked it much better than when they shave their heads. I was ‘dating’ a guy (if you could call it dating) who was bald on top and had his hair longish in the back. He shaved some parts of his head (even though I begged him not to – nobody ever listens to me and nobody ever does what I want them to do), but some of his hair was long, and I liked that, and he also grew his beard several inches long (and I asked him to stop trimming and cutting it, but he wouldn’t, and he wouldn’t let it get beyond a certain length). I know several other people, and have seen photos of some celebrities and random people, who have this hairstyle, and I always like it much better than the mainstream alternative. If you go bald, you can’t do anything about it, but you still have the choice about what you do with the remainder of your hair and beard. And I am not the only woman who likes this. Again, I know several examples of men with this balding mullet hairstyle who were actually very popular with women. Some people call it a ‘skullet,’ but I don’t like that word. I do actually call it a ‘mullet,’ though. A mullet is when you have short hair on top and long hair in the back. It’s annoying if you do that hairstyle with a full head of hair, but if you get a mullet because of going bald, that’s different.

This is what happens when I get stuck someplace waiting for hours and hours, unable to concentrate enough to do anything challenging. I should post this and go try to read something. I just can’t absorb anything I read.

a possible delta movie

April 29, 2012

9:14 PM 4/29/2012

It’s harder for me to write about things that aren’t really important enough to say. I was going to write about how I just watched ‘The Raven,’ and also I was going to mention that this person seemed like she might possibly be an IEE, but I could be wrong:

‘The Raven’ also seemed like Delta. I always liked John Cusack, from a very long time ago. I don’t recall which movies I saw him in. ‘Say Anything’ is the one that I remember, and I sort of liked that movie, and sort of didn’t – it was okay. I just liked him.

It isn’t important enough for me to write about the movie – I’m only writing to spend some time while I wait to go to bed. I have to get up early tomorrow and take the car to the shop.

This movie had a killer who I found to be totally not believable, and a bad actor, and, shamefully enough, he seemed to be a SLI (or maybe an LSE). I wasn’t convinced by his motivation or his craziness or whatever was the reason why he was killing people. When he spoke, his voice sounded like the voice of John Galt in the Atlas Shrugged movie. He wasn’t emotionally expressive, and he didn’t radiate ‘evilness’ to me at all. He was a bad actor pretending to be evil.

The parallel between this movie and my life is that the serial killer was supposedly inspired by Edgar Allan Poe, and I myself have recently been obsessed with a particular person who wrote things that I’ve read (and if he’s writing anything new, he’s putting it someplace else where I can’t find it). If these people actually are the socionic types that I thought they were, then it was a situation where a delta ST admired a delta NF. And I found the whole premise to be unbelievable. He admired Poe and based his killings on the things that happened in the books, and then at the end he killed Poe by poisoning him, but there was enough time that Poe was able to rescue his girlfriend, and then die afterwards.

All of them seemed to be ‘bad actors.’ Their emotional expression wasn’t very good. This makes sense to me if they were deltas – they don’t WANT to be loudly expressing emotions a lot. It was kind of like ‘The Woman In Black’ in a couple places where the acting was particularly bad: ‘Raven’ had a scene where a woman was screaming ‘NOT MY DAUGHTER!’ because her daughter was being killed, and her screaming was not realistic at all, totally cheesy, and it sounded exactly like on the Woman in Black where a woman is screaming ‘MY BABY!’ in the beginning. I don’t think any of us really know what that kind of scream sounds like, and we don’t want to know, but I think when people are upset, they don’t usually scream in words, they scream as a sound.

The killer was totally not believable, and I’m noticing this parallel because of what happened in the forum where they were like ‘OMG! SHE’S INSANE! PUT HER ON THE GOVERNMENT’S NO-FLY LIST!’ The killer in the movie didn’t feel like a killer at all, and I didn’t even perceive any kind of ‘crazy’ vibes from him either. He felt like a normal person. He seemed like a SLI, and I’m putting myself in his place and saying that I don’t seem like a killer either. (He could be an LSE – I don’t know – they seemed like Deltas, but I don’t always know exactly which ones.)

I wasn’t emotionally moved much by the movie at all, except at the very end whenever Poe was dying. For a second, he seemed like a real person, a believable character, and he had just saved the woman he loved, and he felt that he would die in peace because of that. I’m not saying that Cusack is a bad actor. He just has to be given the right kind of roles, and shouting and pretending to be loudly emotional didn’t sound very believable when he was doing it, and there was too much background music in the movie, which distorts the emotions.

At the beginning of the end credits, they had a bunch of raven-themed computer graphics that strongly resembled the graphics at the beginning of ‘The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.’ (One of those books is called ‘The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest,’ and here I myself am going to be battling yellowjackets.)

Somehow, even though I wasn’t emotionally moved by the movie, I liked it and I liked almost all the characters. I felt comfortable with them all and I thought the men were good looking, so I enjoyed watching them.

I always give the disclaimer that everything I say about socionics is wrong… but seriously, this time I really mean it 😀 I swear this was a Delta movie.

We seem to have a pattern of movies with serial killers who are showy and theatrical and easily caught. Dragon Tattoo, The Raven, that other movie that I can’t remember – oh, it was called ‘Gone,’ I think.

Another recent movie that I thought might be delta was ‘Mirror, Mirror,’ but I don’t feel like writing about it.

I’m dreading tomorrow morning. I have to leave the car at the repair place early in the morning, which means I have to go wander around and do something all day long while I wait. I have to get the insurance papers printed out from the computer, because I don’t have a copy, or rather, I would have to dig to find it, and it’s easier to just print one. I have to do that at the library. I don’t like leaving the car with them because I have to explain that the car is full of junk because I’m living in it, and it smells like garbage and bodily fluids, in addition to being contaminated. I won’t bother to mention the contamination. I will just explain that I’m living in it, and apologize for how gross it is.

I also would like to talk to them about my possibly giving it to them eventually. I had bad experiences whenever I took the car to the Honda dealer to get it repaired. They messed up my tires in some weird way so that they vibrated, and when I took it back to have them fix it, they sort of pretended to fix it, but didn’t, and I had to take it somewhere else to get the tires put on right. So I don’t really like the idea of giving up my car to the Honda dealership. I’ve had better experiences with the Lohr’s Garage people – that was who my brother recommended when I first came to State College, and I’ve always gone there. They seem nice enough, and reliable. So I might like to give my car to them, whenever I am ready to get out of it. It feels like giving up a pet. But I always remind myself that these machines are not really alive, and I am getting rid of things that are contaminated, and my reason for doing this is so that I can be healthy enough to have children, and children really are alive, not machines.

I’m definitely off caffeine, and I just don’t have the energy to write extremely long thorough blogs about things that require effort and aren’t life-or-death urgent. I can only write about simple things that don’t require much thought. I’m still affected by the other drug residues, though, so I’m more dopey and apathetic and lethargic than I should be. I’m not clean yet.

I did something nice today, though. I walked around Millbrook Marsh on the boardwalk. I wasn’t afraid of bees there. They don’t seem to have many of them at all. It’s only in the woods on the mountain, and in some other places, but not everywhere. Wasps, not bees. Oh well.

air quality problem at McD; no coffee, and a reaction to the cream; living without money; yellowjackets.

April 29, 2012

12:44 PM 4/28/2012

We either had a carbon dioxide leak, or black mold fumes, or something else, downstairs at McD yesterday. The soda machine stopped working, and the carbon dioxide tank had ice all over it, which, they said, was not normal. When I went downstairs I felt so suffocated and so unable to think that I couldn’t focus enough to pay much attention to the machinery and how it worked. I was talking to the manager who was there that day because I was trying to get him to acknowledge that it was leaking and that this was really bad. We opened up the door down there so that it wouldn’t be concentrated down there, but that allowed it to blow upstairs somewhat, so it was all over the building. I don’t know for sure if it was leaking CO2, but there was something very wrong with the air, and several other people felt it too. Black mold feels very similar to that – it will make you dizzy for hours afterwards, and you will pass out if you’re in a room where it’s concentrated. If we had black mold, it would be because we’ve had problems with our water lines, which have leaked all over the place, and all that water would have caused a lot of things to get moldy.

I don’t have time to write a lot. I’m thinking about a few different things that have happened. I made it through work yesterday without drinking coffee. It’s very hard to do that, usually, because I can’t get enough to eat when I’m at work, and drinking coffee is my food substitute – it takes away my appetite, and it also has cream and sugar, which give me some calories and fat. I can never get enough to eat. The various drug residues affecting me, and the fact that I work in a place where I can’t always get a break, and the fact that I can’t cook at home, and I’m eating really bad fast food all the time, means that I’m always eating inferior quality food that doesn’t satisfy me, especially when a drug residue causes me to have intense cravings (usually it’s tobacco residue that does this to me) which become intolerable.

11:53 AM 4/29/2012

I made it through work without coffee. I cheated – I drank this weird drink that worked well enough as a coffee substitute. I put cream into a cup and then added Hi-C Orange and water. I usually drink the Hi-C Orange mixed with water by itself. I knew that if I added cream to it, it would taste like those cream popsicles that I had when I was a little kid, and that’s exactly how it tasted. No, I don’t want to be drinking Hi-C Orange either, but I’m always starving constantly when I’m at work, and I can never get enough to eat, so I have to drink some kind of sugar water.

I proved once again for sure that yes, it is definitely that coffee cream that causes sexual arousal, not the coffee. I’ve tested that before. It is only noticeable if you drink a lot of it. In your coffee, you might get only 3 creams. I was adding, like, 9, to each cup of my orange drink, and I drank several cups that way. That combination of milk, water, and sugar seemed to make the liquid easy to absorb, and I felt as though I got water intoxication.

(According to legend, it’s supposedly easier to absorb fluids if they contain some magic combination of substances like salts and sugars – I read about this when I was researching persistent diarrhea from giardiasis. They say that you ‘can’t rehydrate yourself using only water’ if you’ve had severe diarrhea, and you’re supposed to make this special mixture that contains exactly the right stuff in exactly the right quantities to make it so that you can rehydrate yourself, whatever that means. They made it sound like this was true all the time, not just when you have diarrhea. I am very skeptical about this – that makes no sense at all. If you ‘can’t rehydrate yourself using only plain water,’ then what happens to the plain water you drink? It certainly doesn’t just go straight through your intestines without being absorbed. However, large numbers of doctors claim that this is true. It might be true that if you have diarrhea, then maybe particular magic combinations of fluids and sugars and salts are easier for you to absorb. But the rest of the time, the water is obviously absorbed, and it leaves your body through the kidneys and the bladder. Are they saying that you want to increase the water volume of the blood, and prevent the kidneys from removing the water from your body, or something?)

The raw grass-fed hormone-free Amish milk did not have the sexual effects. It is either 1. something added to the coffee creamer, such as the thickening agents, or 2. recombinant bovine growth hormone, or some other substance given to the cows, or 3. some kind of hormone from the cows themselves (but not from the Amish grass-fed cows, for some reason).

I was reading about the ‘gift economy’ concept. There are people who are living without money. Whenever I read about intentional communities or alternative lifestyles of any kind, I often feel as though I’m reading about a subject that I’m interested in, but it’s written in a style that makes me uncomfortable. I suspect that these might be people from the Beta Quadra, but I don’t always know for sure.

Whenever I read the ‘wrong writing style’ web pages, I feel as though I’m still lonely and misunderstood. I still feel like I want to find someone who says exactly the right things in the right words. And it’s hard to describe exactly what it is that I don’t like about the writing style.

I also don’t like the idea of having to receive gifts from people who like you. I’m not good at making random people like me enough to give things to me. The couple of times that people actually have given me gifts, I’ve disliked the gifts, because they weren’t what I’d have chosen myself, for various reasons. Whenever I’m very specific about what I want, it’s hard to get that as a gift. The things that I want are actually very expensive, such as very high-quality meats that I will be eating while pregnant and nursing, if I ever succeed in doing that. I can’t eat beans and rice – they’re not nourishing enough for pregnancy. (Beans and rice were mentioned once again in one of the articles about someone living without money.)

I sort of feel this desire to criticize the concept or criticize what I read, but I’m not mentally ambitious enough to do that – I’m not on enough drugs to put me into that frame of mind where I can write very long rants (and this is a good thing – that’s one reason why I’ve quit coffee). And I do agree with some of the idea of it, too, and I’m very interested in the subject, but there’s just something about some of the particular authors that doesn’t give me what I’m looking for. I’d have to find exactly the right author to read. I want something but don’t know what it is.

In Nunavut, some of the Inuit still live a subsistence hunter-gatherer lifestyle, and I’m very interested in that. Some of the Nunavut web pages have mentioned that they have lived without money all this time, and it works in that culture, because they are still nomadic hunters.

So yes, I still want to read about this, but I’m looking for the ‘right author.’ And I can’t talk to what’s-his-face, whose writing style I love, so I can’t get that from him.

I’m preparing to clear the area where I will be living in the woods. I will have to kill yellowjackets to do it. The severe yellowjacket problem has delayed my move into the tent. I was hoping it wouldn’t be this bad, but it is extremely bad. I might have exaggerated when I said that there were two nests every twenty feet – I’m not sure. That would be one nest every ten feet, of course. I don’t know why I was saying twenty feet. There aren’t that many nests. But there are an extremely large amount. And they moved into the hole that I was digging near the tent, where I was going to make a partially underground sheltered area for myself, which I never finished doing. They liked that hole because it’s a vertical wall where they can dig directly into the clay. Apparently they don’t like it as much if they have to dig straight down into the soil. They seem to like going into a vertical wall. So they are right next to my turkey blind. It doesn’t matter if I move. There are millions of nests everywhere. No matter where I go, I will be next to one.

So that is what I will be doing this week, along with fixing the brakes and headlights on the car. I’m not sure how long the clearing process will take. And I am not going to enjoy it at all. If I had my way, I’d just make them fly away and go somewhere else and I’d repel them somehow so they wouldn’t come back to the area that I’m living in. I already mentioned I’ve never been allergic to bees, and I’ve been stung by yellowjackets before, so hopefully I won’t die from it. I’m going to be dressed in several thick layers of clothing all over my body and my head. They could still sting me in any vulnerable places where the clothes are thin. I’ll do it at nighttime, when they are inactive and in the nest. I’m going to have to ride the bus to get there at night, because I don’t want to park my car by the trail at night. There are houses right there, and they will notice that someone is parked there. I think you’re not supposed to go there at night.

Living without my dual… And what has Rick been doing? And when do I get rid of the delusion that he wants to meet me? I just can’t help assuming that, of course, he was lying about everything, and he actually wants to meet me and he would be happy to marry me and have children with me and all that. That belief just keeps lingering. I call it a delusion – I want to protect myself from all of the extremely bad things that would happen if I tried to meet him and he refused to see me.

talking at dinner

April 26, 2012

I still think the language exchange groups are a good idea. Whenever it gets dark outside, I get lonely and feel like I need to do something, to be with somebody, and I often go to the movies. The language group is free (sort of, although they eat at restaurants, and I wonder how they pay for that – do they each order on a separate check?), so, well, I guess it’s not really free then, but the group itself is free.

A long time ago, when my brother and I were teenagers, when we lived with Mom and Dad, we would go out to eat sometimes with a couple of different neighbors. I remember sitting around the table and talking. It was actually comforting and enjoyable, even though I myself usually had little to say. I was with adults, people who were older than I was, and everyone else seemed to dominate the conversation. It’s hard for me to imagine a group where people would actually care about what I have to say, about my opinions about anything at all, about my knowledge, about my feelings. It’s hard for me to imagine myself being respected in a group, being taken seriously.

And yet, I know that sometimes, even if someone sits there and doesn’t say much, the other people enjoy having them there, and miss them when they’re gone. Somehow it changes the energy of the group, having that person there. When that person leaves, suddenly it becomes awkward for the other people to talk to each other. I actually had this happen a couple of days ago. I don’t recall the exact details, but it was when I was at work. Sometimes you somehow bounce your energy off the person who isn’t saying much, and it makes you feel like somebody is listening to you. It changes the way you feel whenever you’re talking. Even the quiet people are adding something to the group.

I’ve gone so far away from mainstream society that the things that matter most to me are very controversial, very esoteric, not very relevant to most people’s concerns. It’s hard for me to contribute to conversations about ‘normal’ subjects. But sometimes I can enjoy listening to them.

yellowjacket spray

April 26, 2012

5:31 PM 4/26/2012

Dealing with these yellowjackets myself is typical of the things that I’m learning to do now. There are simple, ordinary things that I have never done. Someone else has always done these things for me. If there was ever a bees’ nest to spray, someone else would do it. If there was a house to be built, someone else would do it. If there was a tent to be assembled, someone else would do it. I remember camping with my parents sometimes when we were very young, but I never helped with the tent, although I think I remember standing there holding down one of the corners while somebody else put in the stakes or pulled on ropes or inserted the poles or something. I just feel that I have been extremely sheltered for a very long time.

And I was a tomboy. I was good with physical things. I ought to have been taught outdoor survival skills. But I had disdain for the Girl Scouts, and I didn’t want to join them. I looked at their websites not too long ago, and I got the impression that the Girl Scouts don’t learn very much about outdoor survival skills. It’s only the Boy Scouts and the Eagle Scouts who learn the really difficult, challenging things, like building a fire without matches, or whatever. And they learn how to navigate without a compass, or something. Whatever it is, it’s very different from the Girl Scouts. I looked at an Eagle Scout book at Peter’s house once – he was an Eagle Scout – and they did things like building a box car, or whatever it’s called, that you would actually ride in, and I swear I saw something about building a small boat. I’d have to look at it again. Maybe I’m remembering wrong. But they did *real* things.

Now I need some kind of Hardcore Girl Scouts For Adults, or something, for people who never did it when they were kids, but want to learn now. I want it to do really hard challenges, not cutesy stuff, not like ‘how to look sexy in a Girl Scouts Uniform.’

I feel depressed this evening. I don’t like this setback. I don’t like having to kill bees. I don’t like it that I’m still in my car and still covered with drug residues. I’m going to work tomorrow and Saturday, and those are the only two days this week. So on Monday I can get back to working on this project.

People might ask me why I am so stubborn about this, why do I insist that I don’t want to live in the shelter or live in free housing provided by the government. There are a few reasons. It’s partly because I still have contaminated belongings and a contaminated car. It’s very likely I will bring ‘footprints’ into the new apartment.

I’m actually paranoid about living in the shelter because I went there several years ago when it all began, and I contaminated their washing machine and dryer downstairs with my ephedra-covered clothing. I would be concerned that the whole place is contaminated now. It probably isn’t as bad as I imagine it might be, but if you’ve never experienced ephedra contamination, then you don’t know. It only takes a couple of molecules.

I’m just scared that I won’t be able to succeed at this, at getting into the tent and getting rid of the car, before my money runs out. I don’t want to have to go months and months before I’ve saved up enough money to try again. I really seriously can’t make big life changes while working at a job at the same time. Going to work ruins my whole day. I can’t do anything before work or after work.

Maybe I will make more progress next week. I have to imagine being in the tent and feeling peaceful and secure, instead of feeling constantly threatened by yellowjackets’ nests right next to me. That’s hard to imagine. I’m researching it, and it might be possible, but I’m skeptical.

Today I got a spray. It’s called ‘Eco-smart’ or something like that. It’s a peppermint yellowjacket spray. I went into the woods and I tested it. I didn’t spray a nest, I just sprayed a couple of individual bees. (Technically, I should call them ‘wasps.’) They didn’t die instantly. They sat there sort of wriggling on the ground. I wasn’t sure whether they were going to die or not. I ran away because another bee came along and I got scared. ‘They’ told me afterwards that the bee had released fear pheromone, which I myself had reacted to. They use fear chemicals which are also perceived as fear in human beings, not just in bees, or that was what ‘they’ told me. So you could have a pheromone that was ‘friendly co-worker’ pheromone, too, and you would make them feel trusting, as though you were just another bee. But I can’t go to the grocery store and buy those.

I used up a lot of spray really quickly, so I wouldn’t be able to just take one bottle with me. It would be all gone and I would have barely even gotten started, if I were trying to spray a nest.

I am going to wait a couple days until after I’m done working, and then I will try again. I have a couple of different things that I will try to do. I am really not happy about this.

Monday Morning – Fix The Brakes

April 26, 2012

Let’s hope this doesn’t overwrite the previous post. I refreshed the dashboard, so hopefully it won’t do that weird bug where it gives me the same URL as the last one I posted.

I’m going in on Monday morning to do the brakes. The estimate is $117.94 for the brakes and $60 for the headlights, which are also an emergency. I’ve burned out every single headlight bulb except one – both bright beams, and one low beam. So all I have left is one low beam. I’ve been postponing it. I was trying to get rid of the car first. Now that I know I’m going to be significantly delayed in my project, I feel that I have to fix it.

However, the brake situation could cost more than that. He said ‘if nothing else needs done.’ And he doesn’t know just how bad the brake situation has been, and so, something else might possibly need done.

I really do feel better from the caffeine withdrawal today. The last time I drank coffee was Monday, when we had that horrible nor’easter and my entire body was in pain and my shoulder was killing me because of weather sensitivity. So I didn’t drink any coffee since then, and have felt utterly miserable for the past couple days, but I *definitely* am recovering now. I feel slightly more optimistic and cheerful, less painful, less moody.

I also feel better now that I’ve reduced my anxiety by making a decision about the car and the bees. I really didn’t want to have to do either of those things. I didn’t want to fix anything on the car, and I didn’t want to have to resort to killing a bunch of bees. But now that I’ve decided I’m going to do those things, I feel less anxiety. I know what I have to do and I’m ready to do it.

Maybe I won’t be in the mood to tell the story of what happens whenever I attempt to kill the bees. I might not be really happy about it.

feeling slightly better today; going to fix the brakes and kill the yellowjackets

April 26, 2012

9:16 AM 4/26/2012

I feel somewhat better this morning. I think I’m getting through the caffeine withdrawal now, and I don’t feel so miserable. I am starting to feel like a human again.

A couple of important decisions have been made. 1. I’m going to start killing some bees. 2. I’m going to replace the brakes on my car.

Right this moment, I’m waiting for a call back from the car place. I’m asking for an estimate of how much it will cost to replace the brakes. I know I’ve replaced the brake pads before, and it was a ‘medium’ amount of money, neither small nor huge. I don’t recall though the range it would be in. But I know it will be enough that it will cut off some of my time off work. I won’t have enough money left to go on for weeks and weeks.

I was hoping I wouldn’t have to fix anything on the car, but this is too urgent, and I have to drive it around a little bit longer. The brakes are screeching metal against metal. When the repair guys see what they look like, they are going to yell at me for driving it around like that. I kept hoping that I would be able to get rid of the car soon… just a couple more days… just a couple more days….

But this thing with the yellowjackets is slowing me down. I can’t just run up to the tent and start living there. I am going to have to ‘secure the area.’

I have never sprayed a nest of yellowjackets myself before. In every situation, someone else has always been the one to do it. I had yellowjackets that crawled under the metal doorstep of a door that I went in and out of several times a day at one of my apartments. I never got stung, but I really, really did not like jumping through them several times a day. My landlord was the one who sprayed that nest for me.

I always wish that there was a more humane and less toxic way of getting rid of them. But, I am in a time limited situation, and I am also ignorant and inexperienced and lacking confidence. I might feel more confident if I just knew for sure that I am capable of killing them. After that, maybe I will be more willing to try new and unfamiliar methods. If a method fails, I don’t want to feel overwhelmed. I want to use the ‘proven’ method first, and once I know that I can do that, I will be more inclined to consider other methods.

It might sound silly to go this deep, but this yellowjacket battle is actually making me think more deeply about the phenomenon of war, of humans killing humans. ‘They,’ the attackers putting voices in my head, try to use this as justification for what they themselves are doing to me. Apparently, I must be an extremely threatening, scary person that some group of people is extremely afraid of.

In fact, neither I nor any of the victims have any knowledge of the rationale for why we are being attacked. I cannot know their motives for sure. But because I am now fighting a war against yellowjackets, ‘they’ are trying to say something to the effect of ‘Hey, now you know how WE feel! That means we’re best buddies now! You’ve forgiven us for ruining your life!’

But anyway, I was thinking (while interacting with ‘them’) about war, and about what people will do whenever they are terrified for their lives. I was thinking of the Europeans coming to America and fighting the Native Americans. It’s analogous to my bee situation – I’m the invader, and the bees were already there. I’m trying to live where they already live.

I’m still just waiting for the car repair guy to call me back… I just want to know how much it will cost. I was trying desperately to get rid of the car before I had to repair anything, but this is too urgent, and the bees are delaying my move into the tent.

So far, I haven’t stopped talking yet, but I definitely feel less ‘intellectual.’ I still have to clean off all the other drug residues that are affecting me, so I guess I am not going to become noticeably less verbose right away. I will be less manic though. Well… I’m going to just surf the net while I wait for this call.

Dr. Wackjob’s Super Duper Placebo Oil

April 25, 2012

7:23 PM 4/25/2012

Well, obviously, the constant blogging hasn’t stopped, but yet, I’m kind of going around and shopping and running errands and stuff too. So I’m not being completely unproductive.

I did some research. I wondered if there were old-fashioned ways of getting rid of bees, things we used before we had commercially sold pesticides. I know there had to be something, but it’s been forgotten, and it’s not commonly taught in the mainstream culture anymore. Some people said that mint oil kills bees. They also used soap, and also boiling water. I won’t be able to get boiling water in that location. Ideally, I would want to repel them and make them leave without confronting them directly. I know about the bee traps, but those don’t get them all, they only get a few bees.

Some lady talked about some weird kind of soap with peppermint oil in it. I went to Wegman’s and I happened to find that exact same type of soap. I’m fondly calling it ‘Dr. Wackjob’s Super Duper Placebo Oil.’ It’s guaranteed to make you do something really stupid while believing that you’re safe. (It’s actually Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soaps; however, Dr. Bronner, or perhaps the people who make the labels for his products, seem to be using too much of their own medicinal herbs, and so, the entire label is covered with writing and ranting of all sorts, over every inch of it. In some ways he feels similar to Paul Newman, who had the ‘Newman’s Own’ brand of products, this eccentric guy who made up silly little stories and put them on the packages. Dr. Bronner has religious fervor on the packaging instead of little stories.)

Somebody today decided to make my ‘dashboard’ link open up in the same window, instead of opening up in a new window. (Hmm, I just tested it again, and it’s gone back to opening up a new tab. I leave my tabs open when I shut the browser, which is why they start building up over a couple days.) Just another symptom of hacking in my WordPress account. I keep saying that the Georgian blog reader is actually just a spoofed IP address made by the hackers. And yes, even though I seem to have noticed that somebody changed one of his web profiles recently, he could have easily been a puppet who was forced to get the idea to say those particular things. It’s easy to put words in someone’s head and a rationale for why they are saying them. I’m sure it all made sense to him when he wrote them. I won’t believe that he is paying any attention to me at all unless he outright says that yes, he has been. And he would have to say this in a conversation where I was able to recognize that I was talking to a real person. It happened because I threatened to take a break from the internet for a while.

He once accused me of forgetting about him whenever he went away on his hike last year, when I stopped writing to him. I didn’t forget. I was just waiting. I’m taking it out of context, and it wasn’t quite the way I made it sound, but he did, indeed, say that I had forgotten about him for a while, which was ridiculous.

Tomorrow, if I am able to move around and run errands, I will need to get some thicker clothes. If I’m going to be going up and down the hill to the tent, I will need protection. Pants tucked into socks, thick sweatshirts, multiple layers, gloves, and something on my head. I’ll have to get something for my head. I know they can sting through clothing, but they can’t sting as deeply. I’d work overnight, but there are some problems with doing that. But I’m not manic enough to write everything out in thorough detail, and I don’t feel like getting into it. It’s just inconvenient in a bunch of different ways and I don’t feel like trying it, right now.

Why did he separate from his wife? What was wrong between them?

yellowjackets, continued

April 25, 2012

I’m ashamed to even talk about this. When I dug a hole a couple weeks ago, which I was planning to make into a shelter that I could crawl into, I left it abandoned for the past couple weeks, and the yellowjackets moved into it. They like it that it’s a vertical wall where they can easily tunnel directly into the clay. I just made it easier for them to start a new nest there. Also, I have seen a couple of bees that flew under the turkey blind, so I think they have a nest in there, too. Fortunately I don’t have anything really important in there. But I won’t just open up the door and go in anymore.

So, I’m going to be getting some thick clothing and gloves and something to put over my head and face. I’ve never been allergic to bees in the past, and hopefully I won’t suddenly become allergic to them. I’m just terrified of them, though.

I got my tent set up, and this one is fully enclosed, so there won’t be any bees going under it and inside.

The reason I feel sort of ashamed to talk about this is because there is a real possibility that the bees will traumatize me so badly that I cannot live in this particular place, even though I really want to. I might actually fail at this goal because of the bees. And I really, really don’t want to fail. I don’t want to rent an apartment, and I don’t want to get a ‘government handout’ apartment either, by claiming that I’m too poor to pay the rent or claiming that I’m mentally ill or whatever, both of which I could do, in reality.

It just angers me that I could be defeated by bees. Everything would be much, much easier without them. I would have much more confidence that I could quickly and easily get this done.

I really will be wearing thick clothes, tucking my pants into my socks, and so on. I did today. I had my hood up, even though it was hot outside. I didn’t have anything over my face, though, nor did I have any gloves on. I was shaking with fear while I put up the tent. I was a little ways away from the new nest that I had seen, but I was looking in all directions for the bees.

I don’t want to be afraid of them. I want to be stronger than they are. I want to know that they can’t hurt me and that I can get rid of their nests.

I’m researching them now, learning about them, learning how people get rid of them.

I’ve wanted to live as a squatter for so many years now.  I’ve been reading about it and thinking about it for over a decade.  I don’t want to quit.

I did go back and get the tent I was looking at.

April 25, 2012

1:23 PM 4/25/2012

I might be in a slightly better mood. I was able to go back and buy the type of tent that I wanted. It’s true, whenever I take a rest from caffeine, I become more able to do mundane activities like running errands and shopping. Whenever I’m drinking ten cups of coffee a day, or however many I drink – it depends on the day – actually, I haven’t had that much coffee lately, but I did back whenever I was actually taking St. John’s Wort and was having hypersomnia and sleepiness because of it – anyway, when I’m drinking a bunch of cups of coffee every day, it actually causes me physical pain merely to think about the idea of going to a store and shopping for something.

(No, you can’t go into a trance and let the attackers force your fingers to type out a message on the keyboard. It will be random gibberish, or else it will spell out something petty and childish like ‘EAT POOP AND DIE’ or else it will require a cryptographer to figure out how to decode it. It’s not worth the trouble.)

But I was able to go back and get what I was thinking of getting. It isn’t going to be perfect. I will have to use visual imagination to understand how to put the camouflage over top of it. I’m not on drugs except for the residues, and so my brain is going to be very slow. I can do it, but slowly, and without much ambition, so I will do the minimum amount possible, and it will probably be rather sloppy. I think if I were not being attacked I would be able to do a much better job.

I was thinking about something recently. A few years ago, whenever I didn’t know that I was being attacked, I went to a doctor in town. He was – I’m trying to think of the right word. He wasn’t an ordinary doctor, or an ordinary therapist. He had special machinery to do things which might or might not have actually worked. Some of them might have been placebos, and some of them might have been dangerous.

I had this guy monitor my brainwaves. I had to relax. He told me that I was ‘hypervigilant,’ unable to relax very much, constantly expecting something, constantly anxious. And he told me that every couple of seconds, I was going into a theta-wave trance, and then back out of it, for no reason. It might not be ‘theta’ – I haven’t read about this in a long time – it’s the brainwaves of REM sleep. Basically, he proved, by monitoring my brainwaves with an EEG (or whatever it’s called) that I am actually falling asleep and having a dream, every few seconds. This is exactly what I experience. I can actually feel the ‘zap’ when it happens. It is the ‘Morse Code’ zapping attack which I feel on the back of my head. Other victims and other mind control websites have mentioned this exact thing. One of them made it sound like it was possible to block it out relatively easily.

You are actually able to watch me while I’m being attacked, and they’ll just keep right on doing it while I’m being watched – they don’t stop doing it merely because a doctor is watching me.

This is much more of a problem than usual whenever I’m not using any stimulant drugs that help me focus. I think really, really slowly and inefficiently. So it takes me a long time to process a thought. If somebody zaps me to interrupt me every couple seconds, I haven’t even finished forming my thought yet, and it gets destroyed, and I have to start all over from the beginning. That makes it very hard to do anything challenging and unfamiliar, any physical task that I haven’t done a million times before. I can easily do physical tasks that are familiar, anything where I can go on autopilot. But if it’s new, then it’s a huge battle.

There’s something totally off-topic that I was going to mention too. I finally picked up my mail from the mailbox yesterday, after not having been there for like a month. I got an ad from the place where I rented my violin. They say they will no longer be selling the Yamaha pianos. What does this mean to me? It means people are probably not playing the piano in their spare time as much as they used to – they’re playing video games instead. Or they are buying electric keyboards instead of pianos. And nobody can afford to buy pianos anymore. And the rent paid by the music store is too high, so they’re not very profitable. The rent is ever-increasing around here, with inflation. It makes me sad to see this advertisement. They’re having a sale to get rid of the last of the pianos they have.

I haven’t played the violin. It was a manic impulse and I knew that it was unsustainable. I don’t have anywhere to go where I have enough room, physically, to play it. I couldn’t play it in the car. I still have it, and the rent is automatically deducted each month, and it goes towards buying it. There are lots of things that I would like to do, but I usually have a good reason why I’m not doing them yet, why I postpone so many things.

Well, I haven’t quit blogging yet. But the verbosity will gradually decrease. I will have less to say, as I withdraw from coffee. It’s a shame that I have to seem so stupid, when I myself know that I am intelligent and that I have a lot of potential. So many things have made me unable to develop my potential. So many things continue to make it impossible for me to use my mind.

I briefly went up the mountain to see what was going on. I was checking on the bees. They are not extremely active every day. Some days are worse than others. It just rained a lot, and maybe, they’re all inside their tunnels digging out the cave-ins from the rain, or something. I don’t know why they’re less active. I only saw a few bees. Actually, maybe only two. I hope that they stop being so active sometime soon. I don’t know what they eat. What could they possibly be eating, if not all the flowers on the trees? Do yellowjackets collect nectar and pollen, or not? I know that they do eat meat. I bought a yellowjacket trap several years ago, and the instructions said it would work better if you put pieces of meat in it (along with the pheromones).

Oh well, my battery’s running down. I don’t know how much I can get done today, but at least I was able to get the tent I wanted.

‘They’ said they were making a big deal about the tent because they wanted to make sure it wasn’t easily contaminated. The turkey blinds do not have a floor – there’s just dirt. I wouldn’t mind something like that if only I had lots of time for setting up and learning about it, but I’m in a hurry, and I just want something that’s waterproof. It will be semi-permanent, and it will get rained on all the time. The turkey blind that I have up there has a bunch of plastic garbage bags in it, so if the ground gets a little bit wet it will be okay. It just doesn’t have to be this complicated. If the tent gets contaminated, that’s not the end of the world. I don’t want it to, but if it does, I can fix it. Getting another tent is NOTHING like getting rid of the car! If you have contamination on the floor of the car, then that IS the end of the world. A contaminated tent is nothing. It is small, cheap, and easily replaced. Again, I want to try to avoid having that happen, but it’s not that big of a deal if it does. I know that I’ve said that a dirt floor is a good thing because it’s easier to get rid of contamination if you can just replace the floor with new dirt, or whatever. But I am in a hurry and I have specific needs at the moment, and this doesn’t have to be a hassle. There are things you can do whenever you have plenty of time, no urgency, and lots of experience and knowledge. Then, there are other things you do whenever you are in a hurry, rushed, it’s urgent, and you’re inexperienced and lacking knowledge. I won’t be able to do everything perfectly the very first time, especially when I’m in such a hurry.

‘Cabin’ post is really popular

April 25, 2012

My blog stats are showing lots of people finding my ‘Cabin In The Woods’ post. They’re searching for things like ‘cabin in the woods symbolism’ and ‘cabin in the woods metaphors’ and things like that. It’s a shame that I don’t really have much new insight into it. I suspect that all these people are probably kind of disappointed.

I guess my only new insight is something along the lines of ‘Hey, people, this is really happening to me in the real world!  I actually AM being controlled by evil puppeteers for no discernible reason and forced to suffer pointlessly so that some sadistic psychopath somewhere can laugh at me!’  Except in the movie there actually was a ‘good reason’ (to appease the evil gods who would destroy the world), whereas with the real-life puppeteers, nobody really knows what their reason is, and it’s probably something completely insane and pointless.

angry at the murderers – a very bad day

April 25, 2012

10:47 AM 4/25/2012

I’m trying to function today, but it’s very hard. I’m off caffeine, and I use caffeine to compensate for the effects of my various drug residues, which cause extremely severe fatigue. But I am much more able to work and get things done if I withdraw from caffeine and feel well rested. I don’t feel well rested, because the murderers are still waking me up all the time, but I will still feel slightly better, slightly less exhausted.

But today, I’m walking around in a dopey daze, slow moving, slow thinking, because of the drug residues. I stare at things and just stare at them for a few minutes while daydreaming and trying to decide what to do. This is, once again, made much worse because the murderers attack my mind and interrupt my thinking.

I would like to get a different tent, another one, which I will keep clean. The turkey blind that I have right now is just a temporary thing, and I’ve thrown a bunch of contaminated bags into it from the car. I am having trouble making even the simplest decisions about what kind of tent I want to get. The murderers are attacking me very frequently and relentlessly and making me angry. They’re forcing me to push buttons on the keyboard, forcing me to aspirate saliva and cough for five minutes while I’m driving, and other petty attacks. I’m just trying to decide what kind of tent I want to use and why, but I have to sort of ‘ask permission’ from something like a bureaucracy, like somebody else has to ‘approve’ whatever decision I make, and I can’t just hurry up and get something. I need to do this quickly. My food expenses are so high that I will spend all of my money just on food during these weeks that I’m working less and not making enough money. I have to do a ‘food transition’ too, so that I start buying food from a grocery store, keeping it in an icebox (or something?) and cooking it myself, instead of buying fast food all the time.

Also, my car is not ‘going to die.’ It is already dead. I shouldn’t be using it. I was thinking this morning that maybe I’ll laugh about this later on, and ‘they’ were joking with me about how ‘Brakes are for wimps who don’t know how to downshift,’ and ‘Just don’t drive anywhere that requires brakes.’ I’m not using the brakes. I’m downshifting (because I have a standard shift, not an automatic), and using the parking brake instead. I’m also driving at slow speeds. I need to get out of the car NOW.

I would like to get a small, regular tent, and put a camouflage net over it. But I don’t know how well that will work to camouflage it. And, it will be hard to put the net over it and make it stay on – that’s exactly the type of activity where I have to use my visual imagination, and the murderers attack my visual imagination the most, so that I cannot even imagine myself doing the simplest things if it involves making or building a physical object (I assume that they don’t want me building bombs or something?). This is one of those days when I hate them, much more than usual. I desperately need to use my mind, especially my visual imagination, without being murdered.

Normally when I am drinking coffee it makes me cheerful and happy enough that I am not as easily angered whenever they attack me. But today, I have a headache, I’m slow, I’m tired, all I want to do is sleep, and the other drug residues are still all over me, so I have to directly battle against the fatigue that they cause, the mental slowness and dopeyness. Also, I feel like I’m getting close to starting my period, and I feel more irritable and more like crying.

Premenstrual syndrome is one of the health problems that I was never able to troubleshoot. I had ideas for what I wanted to do, but because of the recurring disasters incapacitating me and making it impossible for me to do even the simplest things in life, I haven’t been able to do that troubleshooting. I wanted to find out how my diet connects to PMS, and I also wanted to see if it would get better when I removed my dental fillings. I haven’t been able to do either of those things. My diet is completely uncontrolled.

(They are still forcing my fingers to twitch and push random buttons on the keyboard. Every electronic harassment victim knows that the attacks are trivial, pointless, and repetitive. I’ve read it in every blog that I’ve ever seen, on every website about electronic harassment. They do the same, pathetic, stupid, trivial, repetitive things to you over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over, and over again a million times a day. OOOH, YOU JUST MADE ME TYPE THE LETTER ‘D’! WOW, YOU DID IT AGAIN! THAT’S NEW AND DIFFERENT! WOW, YOU DID IT AGAIN! The ‘finger twitch’ is one of the most common and universal forms of electronic harassment. They are incapable of learning or responding to emotions – if you get angry at a human being, they usually stop doing whatever it was that made you angry. If you get angry at the murderers, they completely ignore you and do exactly the same thing again. If you get even more angry, then they will escalate the harassment to infuriate you. If you are unfortunate enough to have this happen to you while you’re on prescription psychiatric drugs, then the result is that you will go out into the street and shoot a bunch of people and then shoot yourself. Prescription drugs and mind control are the combination of factors that have caused all of the random shooting incidents that have happened in the past couple decades. These random shootings are a new phenomenon, and they correlate with the timing of prescription antidepressants becoming popular and universal. If you are off drugs, like me, then you are able to tolerate the constant attacks much better. I’m having a worse day just because of the pain of caffeine withdrawal today, but that’s temporary.)

So, I am taking a break to vent my anger and frustration into the blog. I just want to buy a fucking tent. This should be simple. I want it to be camouflaged, so I’ll put a net over it. Again, simple. Why is this such a huge decision that it has to go up some imaginary bureaucracy and get ‘approval’ before I can do it? Because it will require me to use my visual imagination for a few minutes so that I can set it up? OOH, I’M GOING TO BUILD A BOMB IN THOSE FIVE MINUTES, EVEN THOUGH I DON’T HAVE ANY BOMB-MAKING SUPPLIES! I’m going to make a bomb out of a canvas tent!

The insanity of the murderers has no end. I sympathize with the Guantanamo prisoners. The murderers are torturing innocent people forever for no reason. They just pick people and decide arbitrarily to completely destroy their entire lives for no reason. Their evil and insanity is limitless, and incomprehensible to any real, decent human being.

mild secondhand drug exposure from someone; trying again on the coffee withdrawal today

April 24, 2012

12:16 PM 4/24/2012

Apparently everybody already knows that ‘The Cabin In The Woods’ is filled with symbols, because people are already googling it and finding my blog. And being a SLI, I am probably not the world’s best person to be talking about my interpretations of symbolism, and I probably won’t tell them much that they don’t already know on their own.

I’ve been hesitating to mention this, but a coworker recently started using Prozac, and I have worked with this person several times since then. We don’t touch each other directly. I would only be touching his handprints on the table where we make the sandwiches, and, I guess, that would be only if he touched the table with bare hands (instead of the vinyl gloves) or any other bare skin. The only other way that I could get a secondhand drug reaction from him would be if I inhaled his breath while he was talking to me.

So I am kind of paying attention to see if I have any drug effects. I had hypersexuality for several days, but it’s not easy to distinguish that from all the other ‘background noise’ of my other recurring drug reactions and the coffee and the coffee creamer. I’m aware that my hormone cycles affect this too, but I know that the ‘volume is turned up,’ so to speak, making these things worse than usual. I had several other strange symptoms and strange feelings – I’m having some anxiety, I had the ‘smarter-than-usual essay-writing’ phenomenon, and a few other symptoms. (Whenever I am completely drug-free, I probably won’t get the urge to write an essay about the symbolism in a horror movie I just watched, without having been given that assignment by a schoolteacher.)

The coworker using the drug has become more talkative – he blurts things out, he says whatever crosses his mind, since he started using the drug. Someone else told him to stop reading out loud everything that appeared on the screen when we got an order. He also has had more mood swings and irritability since he started using it.

I’m sick of harping on the same old theories forever and ever, but he told me that he visited his family after the death of a family member, and they were smoking pot, and after he came home, he’s been ‘depressed’ and he’s been ‘eating like a pregnant woman,’ he says, and he’s had ‘fatigue.’ Marijuana residue does that to you. I’ve also had extremely intense hunger after being exposed to it. There are people out there fighting to get marijuana legalized, and I’m in favor of legalization, but I also do not believe that marijuana is ‘safe.’ Some of the people debating about this have mentioned a phenomenon that they had a name for, and it might have been something like ‘marijuana syndrome’ or ‘pot-smoker’s syndrome’ or something like that, where people who smoke it are constantly in a sort of vague, dreamy, lazy state forever even when they’re not smoking it. There are two things going on here – the smoke residues, and also the vegetarianism. If, possibly, pot smokers have any correlation with vegetarians, then B12 deficiency also causes the slow, dreamy, lazy behavior, which is known to happen in vegetarians. Nowadays, there’s probably not much correlation between pot smokers and vegetarians, because pot smoking is so commonplace that all types of people are using it.  (*Edit, oops, I’m not implying that the coworker is a vegetarian.  He isn’t.  I just got lost in my own tangent.  I was saying that those symptoms are the reason why he went to the doctor and got a prescription for Prozac, when what he actually needs to do is decontaminate himself from the marijuana residues.  But I never returned from that tangent.*)

‘Harping on the same old theories forever’ would be far more useful if I were actually making a profitable business out of it. I know that my decontamination protocols are effective, and if I had a system set up where people could go to some kind of camp where they would do their drug withdrawal, and if I earned money by doing that, I wouldn’t feel so much like I was just harping on something all the time without making any progress. The only way to prove something is by doing it. Just giving away the information to the world without demonstrating it doesn’t convince many people.

Today, I want to try again to quit the coffee, so, as always, I’ll gradually talk less. I’m no longer in agonizing and unbearable pain, so I will be able to tolerate the additional pain caused by coffee withdrawal today. The weather is getting better and my old injuries are not hurting now. The sky is sort of weird looking. There are holes in some places where the sun comes through, like right now, which I’m happy about, but the rest of the sky is covered with something almost like stratus, something all white with a few gray textured areas, and spots where you can see the rain falling. And it’s cool and windy. The winds down here on the ground seem to be slower than the wind in the clouds, because the clouds are moving slowly. But I remember that from meteorology. The wind speeds vary at different heights, and so do the temperatures.

When they woke me up this morning, I was in a trance where ‘they’ pretended that I was talking directly to somebody psychically. I do not believe that people’s minds talk to each other psychically. I had to get that all figured out in the beginning many years ago when I first became aware that I was being attacked. Whenever those ‘psychic talking’ incidents occur, I interpret them as being a completely fake experience created by the attackers. Some of the things said may be true, and some things may not be true. I sometimes am given information that turns out to be correct, but other times, it’s totally, completely, insanely wrong. It can’t be trusted. You’re not directly talking to someone else’s mind. The attackers make you feel as though you are, but it’s a fake feeling that they created. If you are using any drugs at all, at even an extremely low dose, or if you have any of the drug residues that I’m constantly complaining about, then this phenomenon will be more intense and more frequent, and might even be like a ‘lucid dream.’ If you’re on drugs, you will most likely be able to hear the voices more clearly, *not* less clearly. If you take drugs, the voices become loud, clear, and perfectly understandable and easily perceived, whereas if you are completely off drugs and cleaned of residues, it becomes hard to hear the voices in your head, which will sound more like buzzing radio static without words. That’s why I’m so obsessed with getting cleaned up and quitting all drugs.

Anyway, I have to shop and buy a couple small things today, and get some errands done. I’m not expecting to do a huge amount. I’m going to be in withdrawal and I’m going to start getting tired and getting a headache and I won’t feel like moving around much. It’s too cold and rainy for me to do much up at the tent today, if I were even capable of working.

I also have to write a more detailed list or detailed plan of exactly what I need to do to get rid of the car, and how long those steps will take, and how much money I will need. I don’t want to run out of money before I get finished. I only have a little bit of a windfall from my tax refund, and I know that it will vanish instantly. I’m still working two days a week, but that will only earn approximately $90-$100. (8 hours a day, 2 days, approximately $6/hr after taxes are taken out). That’s only a rough estimate. It might be even less than that. I don’t have my direct deposit stubs – I stopped trying to pick them up every week, because there was this one particular manager who expressed annoyance and irritation whenever I went into the office and asked to get them. I’m not doing bookkeeping at this time, so I have no urgent need to see the details of the pay stubs, so I don’t feel like going in there and having to get a manager to open up the safe for me when we’re always busy and everyone always has better things to do, and their particular way of filing the paychecks is a nuisance that makes it very hard to find somebody’s paper, and you have to hunt through everyone else’s stuff for several minutes. They need a different method of filing, but whatever. So I can’t recall exactly how much I earn each week offhand.

I’m just sitting still and resting after I ate breakfast. It’s very hard to get started. After I am clean, I will have more energy and I won’t be overwhelmed by apathy so badly. I will have to use new sleeping bags instead of the contaminated ones here in my car. The contaminated sleeping bags are the main reason why I feel hopeless about trying to decontaminate myself. I don’t want to purchase new ones. They will only get ruined again by touching the floor of the car. I’ll just wait till I get into the tent and then I will use new clean sleeping bags.

It’s going to be strange whenever I am not constantly worrying about drug residues anymore. The only ones that will ever affect me will be other people’s secondhand drugs and smoke, and I might have some control over whether I am exposed to those things. It won’t be a constant unavoidable neverending thing anymore. I won’t have chronic fatigue from it, which means I won’t have to drink a billion cups of coffee every day, which means I won’t be talking incessantly from the combination of the drug residues and the coffee. I will be less ambitious, less intelligent, and less verbose, but I will have a greater ability to actually work on the physical tasks of my life, the real things that actually make progress. I will have a realistic awareness of what I am capable of, instead of starting up manic projects that I can’t possibly sustain. I will write less, but I will do more.

To the Georgian, if you’re actually a real person and not just a spoofed IP address from the hackers, then, thank you for putting up with my craziness as long as you have.

cabin 2

April 23, 2012

11:31 PM 4/23/2012

As always, everything I say about socionics is wrong. Sometimes I forget to give that disclaimer, which is usually when I am saying the craziest and most delusionally wrong socionic theories that ‘they’ are forcing me to believe.

I watched it a second time, believe it or not, at the other theatre across town. I’m still just sort of restlessly waiting for this storm to end, and it’s not raining very much right now. It was still daylight out when I left the movie for the first time, and I wandered around, got something to eat, wrote the blog, and left the library when it closed. That’s when I decided to go see the movie again.

‘The Intellectual’ was actually called ‘The Scholar.’ I should go edit that in the other post.

I think the two surviving characters were both IEIs, The Virgin and The Fool.

I think that ‘they’ are forcing me to create socionic theories that are completely and totally wrong, for the purpose of tempting Rick to correct my mistakes. I am occasionally right, and occasionally wrong. Sometimes I get the ‘clubs’ right, as in, I know it’s an NF/ST relationship, but I get the wrong quadra.

There is some truth to the idea that the functions in your ‘mental ring’ are things that you can easily verbalize. I am able to talk about things having to do with -Ni as my role function, pretty easily. They say that the things in your vital ring are more subconscious and usually harder to verbalize.

The author of that movie I would say is an IEI. They had a very strong awareness of -Ni, of the plotlines of stories in general, and they were capable of manipulating and changing those plotlines.

I’m not sure about the types of all the other characters. The only ones that seemed really recognizable and realistic and fully ‘fleshed out’ to me were the two IEIs, which fits with the idea that the writer of the movie was also an IEI.

I think Rick doesn’t want to admit that he enjoys reading the things I write (usually). He won’t have anything to read whenever I quit the caffeine and greatly reduce my verbosity.

And I would like to know how my own story is going to end. According to the rules of that movie, I might have a plane crash while crossing the Atlantic Ocean to try to go stalk Rick, or something, and in order to survive, I will have to strangle a shark with my dreadlocks and eat it so that I can survive swimming across the ocean, because I’m always talking about primitive hunting and fishing as my favorite interest. And my ‘bad moral choice’ that caused me to deserve such a fate was the fact that I’ve been advocating the Weston Price diet without having thoroughly researched and tested all of it, which means that I could have been telling people to do something that was dangerous. Stalking Rick is also a bad moral choice, I guess, but my fate in the movie would have to be something relevant to that, and the shark-eating is the punishment having to do with the WP diet, not about Rick or stalking.

I think +Ni might be short-term, specific Ni, the storylines of individual people. On the other hand, -Ni would be the abstract general storylines of archetypes, and the symbolic ideas such as ‘we all die in the end.’ I’m still trying to identify what exactly +Ni is. I had a bunch of browser tabs open a while ago, with a bunch of stuff in Russian, but I never finished reading them. I had to google words in Russian to find them. I was still struggling to find the model where it has two elements per box, so that -Ne/+Ni is my suggestive function. I want to know what +Ni is. I also want to know how the two elements work together, in the box. Is it a ‘means to an end?’ Like, for me, +Se is a means of obtaining the end, which is -Si, and it’s not an end in itself. But for the SEE personality type, +Se is on the left side of the box, so it’s an end in itself, and -Si is a means to that end because -Si is on the right side of the box. I don’t know if that’s what it means, I’m just guessing. I wanted to find the authors of that particular model.

Anyway, stalking Rick after he has clearly said ‘no’ would be the ‘bad moral choice’ in the movie. My fate would have to be something relevant to that particular ‘crime.’ Apparently, the ‘good moral choice’ is to give up on him and go on with my life. The only ‘moral’ way for us to meet each other would be if he decided to visit me instead of me visiting him.

I’m wondering when Rick suddenly became interested in socionics again. It was all the ‘Oh, I don’t like socionics anymore’ thing for a while there, but now, he’s interested in socionics.

I guess I’m ready to try to go to bed. I had more coffee not too long ago. I have to try again to quit the coffee. I’ve successfully done it many times before, so I absolutely know that I can, and that’s the reason why I know exactly what the effects will be whenever I quit it. That’s how I know from experience that I will stop blogging a dozen times a day about every trivial little thing.