Archive for October, 2013

Invasion of the Little Moving Specks

October 31, 2013

1:56 PM 10/31/2013

I woke up this morning to discover that my tent had been invaded by little moving specks. The first place I saw them was, disgustingly, in the large plastic cup where I pee. I pee in the cup and then dump it out the door. Apparently they were attracted to the small amount of urine (and a small amount of menstrual blood) in the cup. Then I saw the little moving specks were all over the walls and floor of the tent in a particular area, and then I saw that they were also on the outside of the tent, but I could see them through the fabric and at first thought they were all inside.

They were not circular, they were more oval shaped or short rod shaped, ‘insect-shaped.’ If they had been circular shaped, I would have thought they were probably baby spiders, but there would not have been so many of them if they were baby spiders. There were hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of specks. I wiped some of them away with a cloth, and they were easily squished. They didn’t look like aphids, but they were similar to aphids in being tiny and easily squished, like I said, but they were even smaller than aphids. They were slow moving, slow enough that you had to stare at them for a minute to see that they were moving things rather than dots of dirt.

I was very disturbed by the little moving specks, and I wrapped all my food in sealed ziploc bags, not sure what the specks wanted or what they would eat. I was worried they would get on me and start biting. Little moving specks are a paranoiac’s nightmare – ‘oh no, I feel one, it’s crawling on me, where is it? (squish) oh no, there’s another one! and another one!’ I don’t know exactly how the specks got in there. I had a bag of soil mixed with pawpaw seeds, which I was keeping inside the tent, because last time I kept my pawpaw seeds outside the tent, somebody stole them all and ate them, even though wikipedia says the seeds are poisonous. I moved this bag outside and tied it closed so nothing would steal the seeds again. I thought maybe the specks had come from the soil.

Then I just left. I will have to deal with the specks when I get home tonight. I’m going to TB for my last day of training, my last unusual schedule day. I don’t normally work Monday through Thursday, and won’t be working those days in the future, but I did it so that I could do the computer learning thing.

Then, tomorrow night, I will go to McD and do an overnight and continue the usual schedule that I’ve been working there for the past few weeks. It’s going to be hard. I’m accustomed to getting a couple days off each week, and I didn’t this week – every day, I had to be somewhere, although I didn’t work hard at TB, I mostly sat at the computer, and then helped them close one day. It wasn’t like vigorously running around for hours at McD and lifting heavy objects and mopping the entire lobby floor and that kind of thing.

I am still in transition. I haven’t started getting the second paycheck yet, and haven’t made any other changes to my life. Now that I have, for all practical purposes, gotten rid of the drug residues, except just a little bit in a couple small places, I will be able to live in an apartment again. There are benefits to living in an apartment. It’s easier for me to do projects, such as sitting and using the computer and learning to program, or reading and studying something in a book. Many projects are easier in a house. The tent is cold, so you can’t sit there for long periods of time doing something. In the winter, the only thing I do in the tent is sleep, and when I’m inside my four thick sleeping bags, I’m warm, but I can’t come out of them, and when I do, I have to put on all my layers of clothing, and then leave, and go someplace warm, and usually, sit there using the wifi, which is what I did all last winter. I don’t want it to be like that again. That was a long time of unproductivity and despair.

I wouldn’t mind living in a tent and focusing more energy on the woods, building my own little house (but how in the world did primitive people keep the little moving specks out of their houses?), learning to hunt and forage, keeping some chickens or something up there. However, I’m still not sure exactly where I will live in the long run. My goal now is to save up some money, which is why I’m working the second job, but that’s impossible when I keep going to the hotel. That’s another reason why I’m considering an apartment – I’d have all the benefits of a hotel, plus a fridge and stove, every day, for less money. I don’t really ‘want’ these things, as such, in the long run or in the big scheme of things. I still want to live off the grid, either on a farm, or in my own little house. ‘Wanting’ those things is a temporary compromise that I’m considering because of needing to save some more money. When I don’t need money anymore, I won’t need those things either. what I would want is to have my own infrastructure, and actually own it – infrastructure being a source of water, a method of heating water so I can take baths, and a method of storing and preserving and preparing food and protecting it from human and animal thieves.

This is a stressful transition right now, and I have stopped trying to do any other projects. Everything is temporarily abandoned. I have the equipment to build my motorized bike, I have the stuff for removing my dental fillings, and I’m just waiting and not setting up any of that. I just want to settle in to my new work schedule, and start receiving paychecks, and then decide what to do next. There are a lot of reasons why I abandoned those projects – I’m unfocused at the moment. I’m still struggling to get my bank account back to normal. I want to use the direct deposit from McD, but they made me fill out a new and different form, and it’s more complicated, and I have to call them on the phone AGAIN and ask them about it. It’s a huge hassle. I’m not doing that today.

I’m not sure why, but for some reason I thought I was getting a paycheck from TB on November 9th. Why that date? That’s a Saturday. I think it was November 8th. She said it was the Friday after this Friday. Anyway that’s the day I get my first tiny paycheck. I am focused on that. Once that starts, then I will start diverting my energy back into other things. I will also go back to working five days at McD.

I retyped TB – it’s not Alpha, it’s Beta. Everything is LSI. Not sure why I thought it was Alpha the other day. It’s completely LSI through and through, and there are several LSIs who work there.

Low fat diets lead indirectly to obesity and heart problems

October 30, 2013

9:22 AM 10/30/2013

I worked at TB again last night. This week is unusual. I’m working four days in a row at TB for training. I have to learn some things on a computer, like we do at McD nowadays (and I keep hearing people say that they themselves were hired before the computer training started). Last night I also learned how to make some of the foods.

But now it’s time to criticise their business strategy, the very thing that I can be fired for doing. Last night I learned about the ‘fresco’ option on the menu. I had wondered about that. I only vaguely know Spanish, so I assumed it meant something like ‘fresh,’ and I knew they had pico salsa, and somebody had told me that you put that on there with the fresco option. Pico salsa is fresh salsa, and actually, I learned to love that stuff years ago, and sometimes I get a craving for it and I buy a little tub of it at Weis and eat the whole thing with chips. (The only reason I have to eat the whole thing is because I don’t have a refrigerator, since I am still camping.) They used to serve it at some Mexican restaurant where my family went when I was a kid.

However, there is something far more sinister behind ‘fresco’ than just adding pico salsa. You also take away the sour cream, which, I found out, is already reduced fat, and you also take away the guacamole sauce if it’s on there. I can’t remember for sure, and I don’t want to describe it inaccurately, but I am *pretty sure* you take away the guacamole sauce. I remember it because I was so shocked to see that.

Guacamole comes from avocados, and avocados are almost universally viewed as a ‘healthy fat.’ It’s clear that the fresco option lets people take away almost all of the fat, including the fats that doctors agree are healthy. I myself advocate saturated animal fats, and there is less universal agreement there; however, I would say there *is* universal agreement that you need *some* saturated fat in your diet, because it has a number on the recommended daily allowance or whatever it’s called nowadays, and mainstream nutrition classes taught me that you need some of it (but that was back in the early 1990s, so who knows what the mainstream nutrition books are teaching now!).

People who use extremely low fat diets are making a mistake which indirectly could lead to even more obesity and heart problems. They’re trying to avoid those things.

When you eat an extremely low fat diet, you don’t get enough fat soluble vitamins such as A, D, E, and K. (I also read something very interesting about an unknown substance in pork lard that can substitute for vitamin A, but isn’t vitamin A. They tested lard for the presence of vitamin A and found none; however, giving lard to vitamin A-deficient laboratory rats cured them of their vitamin A deficiency symptoms! It’s very interesting that there is a vitamin A analogue or something in there. This was mentioned on the Weston Price website, but I don’t have a link to it at this moment.)

On a low fat diet, people suffer from fat soluble vitamin deficiencies. They cannot process or absorb the fat soluble vitamins they eat very well. If you eat carrots, you don’t absorb as much of the vitamin A or beta carotene from them if you don’t have any fat in the meal along with the carrots.

As people’s bodies become deficient in fats and those nutrients, they suffer from other health problems such as chronic depression and other moods, and even infertility. People on low fat diets cannot conceive children. If they persist successfully in an extremely low fat diet, they might even stop having their periods. These are the people who diet for a couple days, then binge on ice cream, cookies, and a burger at McD, to get ‘comfort foods,’ foods that contain fat, a necessary nutrient that their body needs and isn’t getting enough of. Then they feel guilty and ashamed because they failed their diet, and they go and make themselves vomit (although I have a feeling that bulimia is more complex than this, and it’s not just because of being ashamed, and I think that bulimia is also a food sensitivity problem that actually causes a person to feel nauseated after eating, so you have to give them a special elimination diet, or a raw foods diet, or a raw meat diet, or a wheat and dairy free diet – some kind of special elimination diet will cure the bulimia without any psychological treatment).

People suffering from depression or infertility are likely to go to the doctor and get a prescription for antidepressants, or fertility drugs if they are trying to conceive a child. People who are trying to conceive a child shouldn’t be dieting to lose weight anyway, but some people do.

Antidepressants are a *HUGE* cause of obesity in our society. When I say they cause obesity, I mean that they add HUNDREDS OF POUNDS. Some people gain over a hundred pounds because of antidepressants. And it’s not just a tiny fraction of a percent of people, it’s a very large number of people using antidepressants who gain a very large amount of weight while on them. I myself gained a whole lot of weight while using St. John’s Wort, a natural herbal antidepressant.

So this chronic low fat dieter is now on antidepressants, and she (I usually picture a woman going through this pattern and not a man, but a man could do it too) is now gaining weight in spite of eating an extremely low fat, low calorie diet and purging in the toilet after her occasional lapses and comfort foods (the comfort foods containing badly needed saturated fat, the only thing keeping her alive). The antidepressants contain hormone-like substances that directly cause your body to gain weight. It’s not as simple as just ‘calories in equals calories out’ or some oversimplified numeric equation. Weight maintenance is much more complex than that.

If you eat few calories, your body can *still* find some way to create fat molecules and put them into your fat cells, by taking away resources from other bodily functions that normally use that energy. You can eat fewer and fewer calories, but if your body is being commanded by the right hormones, your body will still make the greatest possible effort to steal away energy from other resources, from other processes, and force that energy into the fat cells to increase your fat. Your body has some leeway in its energy use. So even if you don’t increase the calories in your diet, you will still start getting fat when exposed to hormone-like substances and chemicals in antidepressants or other drugs, because your body changes the way it uses energy and redirects energy into fat instead of doing whatever else it would have normally done with that energy. It’s futile to try to stop yourself from getting fat as a result of taking antidepressants. The antidepressants aggressively command your body to do everything in its power to transform every calorie into fat, no matter what other normal bodily processes it has to sacrifice in order to do so.

A low fat diet leads to depression, which leads to antidepressant use, which causes obesity. So they have failed to avoid obesity. Antidepressant use ALSO CAUSES HEART PROBLEMS, so they have now failed to avoid heart problems as well. Antidepressant use also causes deformities in the fetus which are sometimes severe and gruesome, so if a woman eats a low fat diet, uses antidepressants, takes some fertility drugs to conceive a child, and then actually has the child, the child is very likely to have severe deformities or disorders such as autism.

All of this can be cured by eating a higher fat diet. And saturated fat in *some* quantity is good for you. We disagree about how much. The Weston Price (and *some* Paleo diet) advocates will say that you can eat it almost without limit. I myself have tested it and found that I do have strange heart attack-like symptoms whenever I eat very large amounts of saturated fat in one day. For me, the recommended daily allowance of saturated fat was almost exactly the right amount, and you won’t hear me say anything positive about mainstream medical recommendations very often!

So, once again, I’m criticising TB’s business strategy in the realm of health. I think they shouldn’t be encouraging people who are trying to use SUCH an extremely low fat diet that they would actually remove *avocado fat* from their diet!!!! That’s the fat that mainstream doctors and mainstream fashion magazines all agree is a ‘good fat!’ I think TB should go the other direction and start offering some kind of ‘Soul Food,’ the higher fat comfort foods from traditional diets.

However, ideally, one would want to get this fat from free range, grassfed cows, and from chickens that were eating insects instead of grain. It’s a whole other topic that I won’t get into today. And I’m also critical of the breeds of domesticated animals. I believe that merely drinking milk from dairy cows causes obesity, and I suspect that the dairy cow breed produces too much of certain hormones. I read somewhere that the dairy cow breed has a very large gland in its brain, but I don’t recall which gland – the pituitary or something – because it’s been bred that way, and this excessively large gland causes the cow to produce a whole lot more milk than it normally would, which is why it’s a dairy cow. This mutation might not be healthy. I think it causes the milk to contain hormone levels that can cause obesity in people who drink it.

I was reading about buying wild turkeys, on a website that sells live birds, chickens, turkey, etc. I was reading forum postings about buying wild turkeys. I don’t recall exactly where I saw this, but someone said that part of the definition of a ‘wild’ bird versus a domesticated bird was that the wild bird would have a normal growth pattern, putting on just enough weight over a longer period of time so that it would be balanced with its muscular and skeletal development, whereas a domesticated breed of bird had an unbalanced growth pattern, putting on a whole bunch of weight in a short period of time at the expense of bones and muscles, so that it could be used for food, and that the breeders used this mutation deliberately for their purposes. I suspect that the hormones in these animals probably affect the humans that eat them, so that people who eat wild animals are eating a proper balance of hormones, while people who eat domestic breeds are eating the excessive hormones resulting from the mutations that make their breeds grow large and fat quickly. Perhaps people are also eating the ‘domestication hormone,’ theoretically, a hormone that makes people docile and tame!

I know there is *something* in milk, because if I drink only one small bottle of whole milk, one day, or if I eat just a small amount of real butter one day, then the next day, literally overnight, I will have added a small amount of fat to my thighs and butt, and I can feel my legs rubbing together when I walk, when formerly they did not do that the day before – I suspect this is why it’s called ‘butt-er.’ It doesn’t matter how many or how few calories I get that day, and you cannot argue that drinking the whole milk or eating the butter pushed my calorie intake so high that it caused me to put on fat. Even if I ate nothing else at all that day except a few bites of butter or one small bottle of whole milk, I will add fat, in spite of cutting back all my calories for that day and eating nothing at all except a few bites of butter. It seems to be a hormone that is attached to the fat in the milk, dissolved in the fat, and when you remove the fat, you remove the hormone, so that drinking skim milk does not cause the fat gain. I noticed this in college, because our dining hall served a choice of whole milk, reduced fat milk, or skim milk from the milk machine, and I gained a lot of weight during the time when I was drinking whole milk, and then suddenly, instantly, and quickly lost all of the weight over a short period of time when I switched over to skim milk. I do not believe that calories are the reason. I believe it is a hormone attached to the fat molecules, and this hormone commands the body to add fat at all costs.

However, in the wild, baby animals’ bodies are not just commanded to add lots of fat really quickly. They drink their mother’s milk and their bodies are commanded to add a balanced mixture of muscles, bones, fat, organs, nerves, skin, and everything. Domestic breeds have an unbalanced growth pattern, so perhaps the milk of domestic breeds also contributes to an unbalanced growth pattern. The solution, or rather, a compromise, is to use milk from an unspecialized ‘scrub cow,’ as they call it, a cow breed that isn’t specialized for any particular thing, not for dairy and not for meat either, just a generic ‘alley cow’ with mixed genes. I don’t believe in breeding, and I value mixed breeds.

Paleo dieters solve the problem by not including any dairy at all. They live as hunter-gatherers who did not domesticate animals and milk them. We should eat wild buffalo that are eating the native grasses of the Great Plains and allowed to roam and migrate long distances in any direction without restraint so that they can survive the winters. These animals have the healthiest types of fat in their bodies, and they can be made into pemmican.

************
After associating with a bunch of new and unfamiliar people who are *NOT* all in the Alpha Quadra as I said yesterday – many of them are Beta – I had a strange feeling when I went back to McD to pick up my paycheck. I’m still not getting my direct deposit yet, long story, but I’ll fix it. So I went to pick up my paycheck, after doing my orientation at TB.

When I saw these people who I already knew, who I had known for years, I suddenly felt strange, like I didn’t know them, because I had just spent the last few hours surrounded by strangers, seeing unfamiliar faces, hearing unfamiliar voices, not knowing people’s names and having to look at their name tags. I had the ‘surrounded by strangers feeling,’ but that feeling came along with me and lingered even when I went back to McD and saw the people I already knew. It was the weirdest feeling. I was talking to them, but feeling distant and separated from them, with a wall between us, just like the way that I am guarded around strangers because I don’t know how they will react to me. Subconsciously, I know how the people around me will react, even if I can’t really explain it or verbalize it. I know in a general way what they will do when I say this or that, and I know what kinds of things I can say to which people. It made me feel like I had been uprooted and moved, like when I moved from Pennsyvlania to West Virginia as a child, or when I change jobs, or move from one apartment to another, when I move or change anything at all and meet new people and get used to them.

It made me wonder what exactly ‘knowing people’ means. These people are not my friends, and I cannot tell them my deepest secrets, and I cannot tell them even my ‘shallow’ secrets that are not really deep, but just so complicated that it takes a really long story to explain them (‘I somehow contaminated all of my belongings with the oils of some medicinal herbs that I was growing in my apartment, and I had to throw away all of my belongings, get rid of my car, and live in a tent for the past few years….’). When you already know the ‘long story’ so that someone doesn’t have to tell it all over again, that’s part of what it means to ‘know somebody.’

I haven’t even told my coworkers most of my long story, but I have mentioned it a couple times. They know just a little bit about me, but not much. I don’t spend time doing things with them for fun outside work. I don’t discuss topics that are important to me, with them. I ‘know’ them in the sense that I am familiar with their faces and have a subconscious idea of how each person will behave, although it is a vague concept and I can’t do a realistic imitation of people, the way some of my coworkers can – they make me laugh by imitating people’s accents and saying things they typically say, making fun of one particular coworker and sounding exactly like her. I can’t do that, I can’t do an impression of a person, and think (warning, socionics disclaimer!) that people who are able to do a realistic impression of a specific person have +Fi in their *mental ring*, regardless of whether it’s a valued function or not. It can be a weak function, yet they might still be able to accurately imitate someone. However, now that I think about it, as always, my socionics disclaimer – now that I think about it, I might be wrong, because I know an SEE who is also able to do an imitation of this person, and he doesn’t have +Fi, he has -Fi/+Fe in his mental ring. So what is it that gives someone the ability to do an accurate imitation of someone’s voice and language patterns so that you hear it and instantly recall that person and recognize them?

As I was saying, I know how people will behave, although I can’t do an impression of them like some people can do. So in that sense, I ‘know’ these people who surround me at work. I know who I can be myself with, and who I can’t. I know which managers I can ask for a lunch break, and which ones will be difficult and reluctant to give me one. I know which managers will give me a lunch break almost immediately if I ask, so that I myself need to be cautious and make sure it’s the right time, first, so that I don’t abandon everyone in the middle of a rush and they’ll all be mad at me.

I’ll go ahead and post this. I’m going back to TB for more training later today. Then, on Friday, I’ll be working at McD again, and then this weekend, I’m going to work two evenings at TB, in addition to working at McD. It’s going to be a horrible week with hardly any rest at all, because I normally don’t work on Mondays and Tuesdays, but I did this week, for training. However, I’m getting my first paycheck earlier than I expected, on November 9th, and I am very grateful for that. I don’t care that it’s only a small check, I just care that it isn’t being delayed through two or three pay cycles like that one place where I worked, and I don’t recall where it was, but I had to wait, like, a month and a half or something, for my first paycheck, so I worked all that time for nothing. At least that’s not happening again.

By the end of November, then, I will start to notice the effects of having a second job and working more hours at my first job again. I totally failed at getting stuff done in my time off, because I wasted all my time fixing the bank debit theft disaster and abandoned everything else. However, I will get those things done eventually, and now that I have a second job, I have more control over my income.

An interesing issue came up. Yesterday at TB some people mentioned the conflict of interest, where they had been told they could not work at both McD and TB at the same time; however, these people were managers, not lowly crew people like me. In the future, such conflicts of interest will need to be resolved somehow, because Obamacare is forcing everyone everywhere to work less than 30 hours a week, forcing them to absolutely *have to* get two jobs, and they are very likely to work at another job doing something familiar to them, so if they work at one fast food job, they are likely to work at a second fast food job, especially because those types of jobs tend to have flexible scheduling, unlike many other jobs. They will have to tolerate conflicts of interest, because people absolutely have to have a second job, and there are few options for how they can do that.

My hair is confined, but can I tolerate wearing this for hours?

October 29, 2013

I bought some more bands and wraps and magic things for my hair. It took about twenty minutes of fooling around, looking in the mirror, and testing things, but I got it. I folded my ponytail in half and then wrapped bands around it to hold it that way. Then I put a do-rag over the ponytail and wrapped it completely over it, and put a band around it to hold it on. That shortened my ponytail. I wouldn’t be able to do that if I had ankle-length locks, but for now, my locks are still relatively short. I won’t be working at TB anymore by the time I have ankle-length locks, if I ever do. I took a picture, but don’t have enough time to fight the battle of trying to upload it right now, because I only have a few more minutes before I go to TB. The hair ball is so stiff that it bumps against my backpack and forces me to tilt my head forward. If I tuck it under the top of the backpack, it keeps my head stuck in one position, facing forward and unable to turn side to side. My locks are that thick and stiff and solid. Most of the hair is fallen hair, disconnected hair that’s no longer attached at the root, and I know this because of the couple of locks that I combed out. Huge balls of fluff came out and they were disconnected hair. The last little bit of hair that was still connected at the scalp was just a tiny thin little wisp of hair. I hope they don’t tell me that my ponytail has to be lifted up higher than it is. I’ve folded it about as much as it possibly can be folded, and don’t know what else I could do. I’m not able to wrap it around my head like a turban – I’ve tried that. It’s not long enough. It is too thick to roll up in a ball, and even folding the ponytail in half is hard to do. I’ll see what she says when I go in today. I don’t like it that I have to allow myself fifteen to twenty minutes just to ‘style my hair’ like a normal woman, but maybe I’ll get a more efficient process with practice.

A different business with a different niche

October 29, 2013

2:28 PM 10/29/2013

I’m reading a news article about ‘stand your ground’ laws, where you are able to shoot someone in self-defense. This article describes it as ‘These laws generally cancel a person’s duty to retreat in the face of a serious physical attack.’ ‘Duty to retreat?’ http://news.yahoo.com/senators-bicker-over-state-stand-ground-laws-143114590–politics.html. I understand that you’re not supposed to shoot and kill someone who merely insults you or slaps you in the face or something, but ‘duty to retreat?’ The language offends me because of the current trend of the government disarming the citizens to make it easier for the government to enforce unjust laws. I don’t like being brainwashed to think that I always have a ‘duty to retreat’ which is sometimes, occasionally, rarely questionable, only under really, really, really extreme situations. I prefer to think of it as my life and my property belonging to me, and the government has a duty to stay off it, except maybe, perhaps, sometimes, occasionally, under really, really, extremely unusual circumstances.

Oh well, that’s not my issue right now. I just happened to be reading a news article while I was in a bad mood.

I went to TB last night. I filled out my paperwork and signed a non-complaining agreement (I don’t recall what it was officially called), which says that I’m not allowed to go griping about TB on social networking sites, or blogs, which *does* apply to me, or they will fire me and make sure I’m on the list of souls condemned to eternal damnation in hell. Reluctantly, I will try to comply with this, but complaining about my workplaces in my blog has been a mainstay of my blog topics for years now. I’ll compromise by referring to them as TB and not using their name anymore, so that google searches for their name won’t find my blog. I’m not sure how paranoid to be – are they using an automatic google search that informs them anytime somebody mentions the words of their name? It’s possible to do that.

Every time you work at a new place, you have to adjust to the culture. I noticed that the place seems to be full of Alpha Quadra members: ESE, SEI, and even, amazingly, possibly two LIIs, one of which is a female manager. I’m not absolutely certain that’s what they are, and I could be wrong, and might change my mind later.

I watched videos showing me how to wash my hands by singing Happy Birthday twice in a row for twenty seconds or something, then went to the bathroom and washed my hands in an ice-cold faucet that stayed on for about three seconds before automatically switching off, while you move your hands away from the sensor, then re-trigger it for another three seconds of ice-cold water. This was… rather frustrating. However, the sinks back in the kitchen area are real sinks that actually work.

I was told that I need to find a way to confine my hair. I was a bit concerned about this. Over the past few years, my hair has gradually become completely uncontrollable. I have tried once or twice to find a way to manage it. The locks are now an extremely thick wad of solid hair at the roots, while the ends of it still look like individual locks. I’ve combed out a couple of the locks as an experiment. It can be done, it just takes hours of patience and lots of conditioner and fine hand coordination. I’ll do it in the future if I ever decide to quit the dreadlocks experiment. By the way, google recently changed its search engine, and the dreadlocks site that I used to go to has plummeted down several hundred results so that it can’t be found anywhere, even though it’s a huge site, and the very top site is just a tiny little site with nothing on it. Why, google, why? The top site advocates using dread wax. I’m with soaringeagle on the ‘don’t use wax’ philosophy – I totally agree with him for being vehemently anti-wax and for fighting the battle to teach people never to use wax. I’ve gotten some emails from the site recently asking for help because they need to do something to make their site go higher in the results. http://www.dreadlockssite.com.

Anyway, over the past couple years, I’ve been allowed to just keep my locks in a ponytail at McD. It works well enough, and I’m just very careful to turn my ponytail in a direction facing away from the hot oil fryers when I walk by, so it doesn’t dip in. And I don’t let my hair dangle in the food. It just hangs down the back. TB, however, wants me to cover the exposed part of my hair with a hairnet. This is easier said than done. I cannot really wrap up or roll up the locks into a bun or a ball. I’ve tried a couple times, and for various reasons, it doesn’t work very well. I understand that they want me to look neat and tidy, and I’m going to make an effort to do something. I don’t really mind, I just hope they can be patient while I try several experiments that fail, over a period of days or weeks, as I attempt to find a solution. It has to not be too heavy, must not pull at the roots, must not hurt, because I don’t want to cause traction alopecia. My hair is now very heavy.

I actually imagined what would happen if I tried to tell the upper level manager – the one who will get us in trouble if my hair is loose – about the Anaya religion. I already know that if I tried to explain about Anaya in a court of law, or to someone who was trying to make me follow some rules, that I would lose the argument, because Anaya is a religion in progress that has only one member, me, and I am postponing the development of this religion until after I have gotten some other things done first, and decided where I will live.

I read the rules – people are allowed to have a ‘neatly trimmed mustache and goatee,’ and it doesn’t explicitly say ‘men,’ it says ‘people’ or something gender-neutral like that, and so I can point to that rule if anyone tells me that I need to remove my mustache and chin whiskers. Female whiskers are very short, and they would qualify as ‘neatly trimmed’ even though you don’t trim them. They are the same length as eyebrow hair, approximately, and people are allowed to have eyebrows. But the battle to somehow confine my dreadlocks under a net will be harder. I will have to jury-rig something, test it for a few days, and then try something else if it doesn’t work. There’s also a chance that they will notice, at some point, that I don’t use deodorant, and that I *never* use it, and that it’s not just a one-time accident, it’s a constant lifestyle. Winter is coming, so it won’t be as noticeable now. I somehow magically got away with this at McD, but might not be able to at TB.

I’m a little nervous, but I’m hoping that I won’t be unexpectedly fired for something random. I *do* need this job, but I don’t need it more strongly than I need to follow my own rules. It will be stressful if I lose this job, and I’m very grateful to have it, and it will help me a lot.

It’s very interesting to see a restaurant that has a totally different system and strategy than McD. They still do have a system, they are still ‘fast food,’ but it’s all different. One thing bothers me: I don’t like it that none of the food is filling, and if you want to get full, you have to order ten of something and eat them all, because all of the food is lite. I’m using the word ‘lite’ without quotes now. That spelling of the word ‘light’ refers to food and calories and fat and implies healthiness. Even when you add all the cheese and sour cream, it’s still lite.

The other thing that bothers me is, real Mexican food contains things like brains, which are taboo here, but are probably very good. I generally hate any kind of food which was ‘inspired by’ some foreign food, then Americanized to make it more acceptable, which totally destroys it and kills the spirit of the food (Thai, Chinese, Mexican – these foods traditionally include things like insects or organ meats, and just mixing a bunch of vegetables together does not qualify, and the particular vegetables used are always American vegetables rather than native, traditional, local vegetables grown in those countries). In Mexico, traditionally, if someone made some kind of ground meat and put it into a taco or tortilla, it would have contained a mixture of meats including organ meats and fat, and it would never, never, heaven forbid, have been ‘lite’ in any way – it would have been intended to nourish hungry, hard-working people who needed a lot of energy. Traditional foods are not lite. This is the type of criticism that I’d probably get fired for.

But non-lite, energizing, filling foods for hard working people are *not* the business strategy of TB. TB’s business strategy seems to be to provide lite foods for health-conscious modern sedentary people who are starving themselves on diets, but who still, for some reason, drink soda. Any truly health-conscious business would not even touch soda with a ten-foot pole. If I ever create an Anaya-compliant restaurant, it will not sell soda, and it *will* sell high-fat, filling foods with lots of energy and calories. Anaya businesses are meant to make it easier for Anaya members to follow their dietary rules.

The non-filling nature of TB’s food slows down the ordering, and makes you wait longer in line. It takes longer to produce ten complicated food items than it would to produce one heavy, filling, satisfying food item, and so people have to wait in line longer, I imagine. I don’t normally go there to eat, and haven’t driven a car in a long time, and don’t remember how long it takes to wait in their drive-thru. But I imagine it takes a long time for a person to order ten items, and then a long time to make them in the kitchen, and then a long time to verify that you have all the correct ten items in your bag as you are picking it up. I’m very annoyed by the entire ‘lite food’ strategy, after all my readings in the last few years, and all that I believe about the causes of obesity.

However, TB’s computer system kicks McD’s ass all the way into the next zip code. The buttons are fast and responsive, and it doesn’t have graphic images drawn all over it. You don’t push a button and wait five seconds for the next page to load. There is almost no perceptible lag, for all practical purposes, and it doesn’t slow you down.

I found out that, thankfully, my first paycheck will be the Friday after this one, November 8th. I was afraid that it might be delayed for several pay cycles in the beginning, which has happened to me before when I worked at jobs that paid every two weeks. I am *very* glad that it’s starting right away. It will be only a small paycheck for now, and I don’t mind that, I only want it to be greater than zero.

TB, somehow, is still a profitable business. It meets the needs of its niche. I just don’t want to serve that particular niche. I want to serve a different niche. I want to serve the paleo/traditional/Weston Price/pregnant moms niche. The pregnant moms will come to my restaurant and order a dozen chicken livers in oyster sauce with raw milk and collard greens, or something of that sort. I’ll find a way to import some traditional Thai edible water bugs. I’ll probably avoid eating scorpions and snakes, because in my experience, eels are not edible, they’re poisonous, and so I suspect that other poisonous animals are also not safe to eat. They won’t kill you instantly, but they will cause unwanted side effects.

But I’m interested in part of TB’s strategy. They have hot, liquid, soft foods that are heated up at the beginning of the day and then put into the cooler at the end of the day. This is different from McD. McD has vegetables like shredded lettuce and sliced tomatoes, which are kept, amazingly, at room temperature on the table. That always amazed me – I didn’t know it was possible to eat foods left at room temp all day long, but apparently, with vegetables, it’s okay, and I know because I eat them all the time and am not the least bit sickened by eating shredded lettuce that has been left at room temp on the table all day long. It does absolutely nothing to me. So I learned, some foods are okay to leave at room temp, and somehow McD figured that out. That saves money, because they aren’t using an electrically cooled table to keep the veggies in. TB, however, *does* use an electrically cooled holder to keep the veggies in at the place where you put them onto the sandwiches. It looks like it’s cooled. And they gave me instructions, in the training videos, to keep the cool foods cold, and showed the vegetables. There is probably a loss of nutrients, but no harmful bacterial growth, I think, in the open air where botulism can’t grow. I don’t think they have a preservative sprayed on them, but it’s possible that they do.

TB’s hot liquid foods are things like refried beans. They have other mushy sauces and mushy hot foods, and I don’t know what they all are yet. This requires electricity to keep them hot all day. In order to use something that requires electricity, you have to profit by selling a lot of them, and so the hot mushy foods are used in every item. The ground meats are another example of a hot mushy food that’s kept hot all day long.

McD keeps burgers hot in a cabinet all day long, and those are also used in every menu item. We also temporarily have soup, only in the winter, and people barely buy that at all, and it’s probably not very profitable. It requires electricity to keep the soup cooker hot. It’s full of hot water. I don’t know how much electricity is used or what the electricity expense is. This might be a ‘losing area’ of the business, which is meant to support the other areas of the business by fulfilling customer expectations. They want soup, which is unprofitable, but they will also buy several other items that are profitable.

I think drinks are the most profitable item of any fast food business. Drinks are utter garbage. You have a drink syrup, which lasts forever and never expires, not even in the next millennium. You never have to throw away expired drink syrup. It gets mixed with carbonated water in the restaurant, in the basement or the back room, and gets sent to the drink dispenser. It costs, I dunno, pennies to produce, and you pay $2 or so for a drink. The machines that mix it run on electricity and are always on, and so there is a cost of electricity, which is unknown. I am aware of overhead. Other people who complain about these businesses having huge profits usually aren’t thinking about the overhead of keeping these electrical machines always on, but I am aware of it.

I’ve been thinking of robots lately. There will be – and it will happen – a restaurant completely run by robots. I don’t mean humanoid androids who walk around on two legs and have a face and arms. The robots won’t look human, but will instead be factory-like machines operated by computers, faceless, bodiless things in a small, compact space. It is possible to produce McD hamburgers, or anything similar, using a completely robotic system. The overhead cost of hiring labor and paying for their Obamacare will increase people’s incentive to do this.

I won’t mind when it happens. I want to go back to being a farmer and hunter-gatherer anyway. Yes, I’ll be put out of a job. However, we’ll still be required to pay for our ungodly expensive land and property taxes when we all start moving back to the farms. Subsistence farming is not possible when you have to pay enormous land prices and taxes. And they say that government subsidies ruin the industry by lowering the prices of everything so that you *have to* have subsidies in order to survive. You cannot sell your wheat, or corn, or whatever, at such a low price, and still pay your mortgage and taxes, without help from a government subsidy. I don’t know how this will play out, as the government gradually continues destroying the economy and making it impossible to live, while simultaneously technological developments give us completely robotic fast food systems that put me out of a job. It *will* happen as the cost of labor goes up and up and up. I can already imagine it now. I’ve been imagining it. There is nothing in the way, nothing impossible about doing it with the technology we have now. I am very aware of it and I can see it happening. I’d do it myself, but I don’t have the venture capital or the commitment to doing it right now. The government is going to strangle us in every possible way, from every direction, making it impossible to live, making it impossible to benefit from technological developments that *ought to* be making life cheaper and easier for everyone. Any benefits gained from technology are quickly stolen by the parasitic government system taking all our money away and making new laws.

But even so, for a while, I am still employed as a laborer in fast food, and now I am seeing another system and a different way of doing things, and I am very interested in it from the producer’s point of view, how profitable it is, how it works, how it doesn’t work, how it competes, what niche it’s directed at. I don’t know how long I will work here at TB. I’m still a bit anxious wondering if my lifestyle will put me into direct conflict with them or not. I will try to compromise as much as I can without violating my own rules.

Going to Taco Bell tonight

October 28, 2013

Last night I ended up not really going. I was scheduled to, but I didn’t have the necessary paperwork done yet, and the manager told me it was a chaotic night anyway and it would be hard to train me. I turned in the one essential piece of paperwork she needed, and picked up my uniform. Now I’m going in again tonight, for real. I’m at McD eating right now. I haven’t settled in enough to try to eat at Taco Bell before starting a shift there, and all their food is ‘lite’ and lowfat so I’ll never get full by eating it. They don’t have a wifi either.

I’m very stressed right now. But they are all nice people. I liked them all when I went over there. I even know someone who I used to work with at McD. It’s just stressful starting someplace new.

I’m reminding myself, over and over, that mid-December is when I will finally start to feel that I’m getting more money. TB pays every two weeks, which means it might be as much as a month and a half before I even get my first paycheck, or, heaven forbid, two months. I don’t know. I’ve had this happen before, so I won’t be surprised. I hate places that pay every two weeks. I will also have to get my schedule at McD sorted out because someone talked to me just now and it sounded like there was a misunderstanding.

It’s going to be a *horrible* couple of weeks. I’m not doing well physically. I’m tired and I need to clean up a residue reaction that didn’t come from my own stuff or from the soil around the tent – it got on me from sleeping at a particular hotel, and from accidentally encountering a particular person who uses a lot of tobacco, and also from the coat at McDonald’s, which is shared by everyone.

I need to get ready now. I have to get in my uniform. I’m going to be extremely tired and extremely miserable for a couple of weeks, for the entire month of November. It’s going to be horrible, and all I can do is drag myself through it and wait till I start getting a little bit more money. I am planning what I will do with the money, but I still don’t have as much control over it as I need.

The Art of Assembly Language Programming

October 21, 2013

For some reason, in the past couple weeks, I’ve had the urge to learn computer programming again. I don’t remember what triggered it. I wanted to learn a very fast language, like C, and I started reading about that and fooling around with it, just for a day. But today I started reading about computers again and wanted to look at assembly language. I’ve looked at it before, but never stumbled upon a book that was written in a style that I like. I just happened to find this book today, and the writing style is so likable that I am reading it straight through and absorbing it. I’m looking at it online, but it’s also available as a book.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Assembly-Language-Randall-Hyde/dp/1593272073

http://cs.smith.edu/~thiebaut/ArtOfAssembly/artofasm.html

Usually, as soon as I try to do something and fail, and discover that it’s going to require me to perform a hundred additional steps in order to succeed, I abandon a project due to lack of time. I only study things like this on impulse in my spare time. I’m going to have less spare time than ever. So today might be the last day that I ever spend reading about assembly language programming for a very long time. I’m going to be busy working two jobs and *TRYING* to save money.

But I get a very good feeling from reading this book. It makes a huge difference when a book has a friendly writing style that is compatible with my personality. I get this cheerful feeling from this author and I can somehow relate to it very well.

Learning assembly language is like learning to hand-write HTML or learning to knit and crochet. I like doing the detailed work. I especially loved the arguments for why someone would use assembly language: it’s extremely fast! That’s why I wanted to learn C – it’s one of the fastest languages. I realized that I don’t care if my program isn’t portable to other types of computers. If I really was writing something that was meant to be sold to millions of people, then I’d write different versions of it, just like how video games are only made for a particular type of computer.

I really hope that I persist with this particular interest. It feels right to me. I want to understand the computer at the deepest level. I’ve always wanted to know what all that gibberish means when I’ve looked into the computer in the past, when I look at the drivers and settings and all that and I see numbers written in hexadecimal. It frustrates me that I only have a limited, brief impulse to study these things, and not enough time to continue it until I succeed. I’d have to study it and practice it for a long time, repeatedly, but all my free time will be used for other things. The only reason why I feel secure enough AT ALL to study anything is because I got a second job. I have to feel very secure in order to ‘waste time’ by studying something that I can’t use this very instant.

Taco Bell: My second job will begin in a couple weeks.

October 16, 2013

I’ve been working only three days a week so that I could focus my extremely limited energy on a couple of important projects. It went very badly. Someone tried to use my debit card, and they set off the fraud detectors, which disabled my debit card. So I spent most of my energy on going to the bank and filling out paperwork to get everything fixed. It’s fixed now, and I also found out how to use prepaid debit cards for shopping online. I tried using Bluebird from American Express, but could not get them to activate my card so that I could use it online. However, I tried something called ‘MyVanilla’ from Visa. I don’t know what vanilla has to do with anything, except that it starts with V, has an I in it, and ends with A, which is a mnemonic aid that helps you remember that it comes from Visa. I got one of those yesterday, and I was able to activate it and use it online easily. In the future when I buy things online I can use those prepaid debit cards so that there will be less disruption to my bank account if anybody tries to steal my number.

Now that that has finally been settled, I was able to refocus my energy on getting a second job. I did that today. I went to Taco Bell, and it worked out perfectly – I met the manager, filled out the application right there, passed the test, got the interview, and scheduled the first day when I would go in. I then went to McDonald’s and told them what was going on. The manager wasn’t happy and unfortunately he looked like he was going to cry. I felt terrible about it, so I’m going to get my schedule worked out as quickly as possible and rush it back to him so that he understands that I am absolutely not leaving McDonald’s, and I’m not going to restrict my schedule that badly either.

I’m going to start working more hours. I would like to do one of two possible scenarios: Either I will get an apartment, which absolutely requires me to have two jobs so that I can pay for it, or, I will keep living in the woods for a while, work two jobs, and save up a bunch of money. I haven’t quite decided which scenario I will do or when, and I don’t have an apartment yet.

Technically, ideally, I don’t want an apartment. I want a primitive hut in the woods, with more permanent infrastructure than I have right now. However, I still need to do some things that require money, and when I’m working at these jobs, it’s much easier to work when I’m living in an apartment. In the long run, I am still aiming to live in a more natural house. I may or may not get an apartment, depending on various factors. I may just be less worried about staying in a hotel occasionally, because I’ll be able to afford it with two jobs. I might just keep doing what I’m doing and say, ‘Okay, so I’m staying in a hotel every once in a while, no big deal.’ Two jobs will make it so that I can still save money in spite of losing some money to the hotel. Going to a hotel occasionally will still be less expensive than living in an apartment, as long as I don’t go too often.

The Last Big Project is underway! (in reality, there are still infinity projects ahead)

October 7, 2013

2:44 PM 10/7/2013

I’m taking a break for a bit to write my blog, but in reality I’m supposed to be out running errands.

I slept in the hotel last night for a couple of reasons – it really doesn’t matter – I didn’t feel well, and there was a thunderstorm coming, but the storm turned out to be no big deal.

I picked up some packages from the UPS Store today, which was one of my errands. I have several pieces of my dental filling removal system now, but I will need to get a couple more things to make it work, and I don’t know yet if it will work at all or if it will just be a total failure. I haven’t taken them all out and looked at them yet. I did buy the non-electric air tank thingy where you fill it up using the air pump at the gas station, and it just has a finite amount of compressed air in the tank. I will hook the air-powered dental drill to this. I don’t have electricity in my tent, and had no idea how I was going to do this, until I saw this air tank thing. If I can get this to work at all, then I will put it on YouTube, but if it’s a disastrous failure, I probably won’t…

I need to make several phone calls having to do with the bank. I had to pick up another Tracfone card today, and I did that, so now I have enough minutes to make the phone calls.

This dental filling removal was something that I saw in my mind as ‘The Last Project That Requires Money.’ In reality, it’s not the one and only last thing that I ever have to do in my life that requires money, and I will still want and need money after this, but this was sort of the last big difficult thing that I had to do before pregnancy. This is it, the last big thing. It’s very significant. If I suddenly became a hunter-gatherer after removing my dental fillings, everything would be okay. I just didn’t think that I could engineer a dental drill out of Nittany Mountain sandstone that would be small enough to remove my fillings. I needed money to buy a precision drill made in a factory. But that’s all, that’s the last big thing I need.

It actually wasn’t that expensive either. I bought that air tank. Assuming it works, that is. That air tank, and an air powered handpiece, is cheaper than an electric dental handpiece and cheaper than the huge air compressor that would be in the dentist’s office. I still don’t know whether I’ll be able to do any of this or not. I would have thought that you could just get an electric dental drill, but it turns out they’re very expensive and you have to buy all this equipment associated with them. It looks like it’s harder to do that. And I don’t have electricity, and I was planning to go do it at the hotel or something. We’ll see if it works this way.

I need to look at my to-do list again. Mostly, I just have to call some people on the phone about bank-related issues.

I’m trying to process this idea in my mind, that this is the last big project. In reality I have infinity projects in the future. This is referring to my projects before pregnancy. I absolutely wanted to get these fillings removed before pregnancy because the leaking BPA from them causes a lot of symptoms in my body, and if I can feel any symptoms at all, then the BPA will affect the baby too. It would also be hard to breastfeed a baby when the BPA causes breast pain. Bottle-feeding is NOT AN OPTION.

I just have to take this big box home and wheel it up the hill on my bike and open it up and start putting things together to see what works and see what’s needed. I know I need a couple more things, I just don’t know exactly what size to get. I need some kind of air tubing to connect the handpiece to the air tank, and that will probably be hard to do. That’s the jury-rigging part. It might possibly involve duct tape.

Round tuits are awakening all over the world, and reproducing, and migrating towards me and my list

October 5, 2013

6:13 AM 10/5/2013

I’m very tired, and not sure how I’m going to get home. My bike’s back wheel needs to be fixed. I have plenty of money and I could take a cab or something if I wanted to. I need to drop off the bike at the bike shop sometime though.

The timing of this incident suggests that I was attacked in retaliation for getting rid of my blue bike. That bike was a source of drug residues, and I wasn’t able to clean it off well enough. There are not many sources left.

I had four days off this week, and will again next week. I was picturing the ‘Round Tuits’ that I drew a cartoon of, years ago, when you can’t get ‘around to it.’ Now that I have a couple more days off, I can get around to it more. So I was imagining all the ’round tuits’ awakening and reproducing and crawling up out of the ground and migrating towards me from all over the planet, all different colors and textures of round tuits, coming towards me to fill up my to-do list. The more I attend to my to-do list, the more it fills up. I’m thinking about Mark Forster’s time management books again. I’m sure there are other good time management books out there, I just happen to remember him because I read it not too long ago. He has these systems for how to handle your infinite to-do list.

I did not get as much done this week as I wanted to. I spent more time on bank-related hassles, which was an unexpected task on my to-do list. I’m doing all the stuff I have to do to fix the problem with the stolen debit card number. I am closing my checking account, and when the bank teller was helping me, she was surprised and said, ‘You’ve had this for a *long* time!’ It’s the same account I’ve had since 1997, when I first came to State College. I’m closing that account now. That seems sort of significant or symbolic of something. Maybe it’s the signal that I am finally done with my business here. Then again, maybe it’s nothing. When anything ‘seems to be significant’ or ‘symbolic’ or ‘meaningful,’ it means that the incident has been staged or manipulated by the controllers.

I have to go to the mailbox place and pick up my stuff – some of it might have been delivered. I don’t know. I need to check. I can track the packages online. I need to do a few more items on my to-do list next week. I’m continually adding more items to the list.

It’s great to have four days off, but I will spend too much money on food without earning enough, so I will have to hurry and get done everything I need to get done, and set up everything I need to set up, and do it all as quickly as possible, and then go back to working as many hours as I can. I want to get a second job and work it around my first.

They broke my white bike

October 4, 2013

8:55 PM 10/4/2013

The murderers broke my white bike, and I don’t have time to write about it right now. I’m doing an overnight at McD.

I want to put a ‘donate’ button on my blog. I can’t do it yet. I’ll do it later.

I know the murderers broke it, because it broke THE DAY AFTER I got rid of my blue bike. The rear wheel is bent so badly that it barely turns. I was able to ride it, with a huge amount of friction, very slowly. Something had to step on it, something heavy. I had it lying on the ground in the neighbors’ yard. People wouldn’t walk there. They must have forced a whitetail deer to step on it, no joke. That’s the only nonhuman thing heavy enough to have bent the wheel like that. Hikers going up the trail are unlikely to go in that neighbor’s yard. The murderers control the movements of animals.

The blue bike has a new home.

October 3, 2013

1:38 PM 10/3/2013

I’m taking a brief break from my errands and sitting and eating at McDonald’s on the side of town where I don’t usually go. I saw one of my managers who was transferred over to this store – everyone misses her.

A series of events which was too ‘perfect’ to be an accident has happened, and it worked out well for me and I’m just going with it. There is this homeless guy, and I can’t remember his name, but we have had several conversations over a period of months. He is a youngish age, maybe in his twenties, or early thirties at most. He has also lived out west in Colorado, and told me about it, because I’ve said to him that I loved Colorado and wanted to go back there.

Yesterday I encountered him at random. I was about to go into the bank, and I mentioned to him that I needed to fix a problem with my debit card because it had been stolen online. We ended up chatting for a couple minutes and he suggested a few alternative ways that I could pay for things online without risking my debit card, so I’m going to try it. I don’t know if I can even do what I need to do yet but I’ll look into it. I don’t know how prepaid debit cards work but I’m going to try to find some and look at them. They might not work for what I need to do, though.

Then he also asked me about my other bicycle. I’ve been riding the lightweight white one instead of the blue one. Everyone loved the blue one. It was super expensive. I never knew just how fancy this bike was until after I bought it and everyone started complimenting me on how awesome it was, even total strangers walking down the street. I didn’t buy the bike for the purpose of impressing anyone with my awesomeness, I bought it because I was clueless and in a hurry and had no idea what type of bike to buy, and I bought this one almost at random from a suggestion from the sales clerk at the bike store. I didn’t know what criteria I needed or anything, and was just in a big hurry to get the bike as soon as possible and leave. So it turned out to be not exactly what I wanted, and it was super strong and durable, made for hard mountain riding, and it’s very, very heavy. It’s so heavy that I always got very tired from pushing it up the hill. The new bike is much easier to push up the hill.

I’ve wanted to get rid of the blue bike for a while. It’s contaminated, and I was trying to clean it off, but it’s very hard to clean it well and get rid of all of it. Not long ago I tried selling a bike on Craigslist, and nobody answered me at all, probably because I was trying to sell the white bike, and it hadn’t been fixed yet and wasn’t rideable, which I clearly described in the ad so that nobody would be surprised. The handlebars weren’t screwed on properly and it turned separately from the front wheel. I got that fixed and I’m using that bike now.

I knew it might be hard to sell a bike on Craigslist. Maybe that bike would have sold better than the white one. But I also don’t really like to sell things that are contaminated, and that blue one is contaminated enough that I still have a reaction every time I touch it. I had to wash my hands off today after handling it. I feel like I’m giving someone a cursed item that is going to harm them, sort of like in video games where you buy a cursed sword or something. The bike still has a lot of value, but it is indeed cursed, and I don’t know what will happen to the next person who uses it.

I have verified that people who I thought I ‘cursed’ in the past really did remain cursed years later. There were two incidents. One person was the guy I sold my coins to. When I went back and bought some more coins later, I could feel the drug residues on the coins he sold me, even though they hadn’t been my own coins. He had gotten fingerprints of drug residues on everything he touched. Another incident was the homeless shelter. I stayed there briefly during the very worst of my contamination, and I got ephedra everywhere, on the floor, and in the washing machine where I tried to wash my clothes. I went back there a few weeks ago to ask them if it would be possible for me to stay there (the answer is no, not unless I join the program where they help you find subsidized housing or just any housing at all), and when I sat down in their office, I felt myself reacting to the furniture. The drug residues have spread all over the entire shelter and have remained there for years, just as I predicted they would. I pity the person who took my previous bike. I brought it to the bike shop and gave it to them for free, and it would have contaminated everyone who touched it and the person who bought it with ephedra.

This bike is not as severely contaminated as that one. I don’t feel as bad about it. But this homeless guy asked me if I still had it, and I said yes, and I told him that I had been thinking about getting rid of it. He was very interested. As I said, everyone loved that bike and thought it was awesome, and everyone recognized it and knew who I was. It was much more awesome than I had intended it to be.

I told him yesterday that I would bring the bike to town today and give it to him. And, I did. I gave it to him, along with the owner’s manual and also an extra bike lock that I had sitting around and wasn’t using yet. He told me that he had been so excited, he felt like a kid on Christmas, and he had woken up early and had gone to the bench where he expected to meet me and had waited there without even going to the bathroom because he hadn’t wanted to accidentally miss me. Poor guy! He was very very happy about getting the bike. I brought it to him and gave him a hug and shook his hand. Another girl was there with us, some friend of his, and she said to me that I was a very nice person. I felt suddenly anxious and doubtful, because my motives for giving away the bike for free are complicated, and I’m not really being nice, I feel like I’m sort of cursing someone, although it will make his life easier in many ways, and he really does love the bike. Yes, I’m doing something nice.

And I just remembered, I had thought of using that bike to put the motor on, but it won’t fit. The motor needs a certain kind of space between the bars of the bike. So I can’t use it for that.

He said we should go riding together sometime, and he said there was a rails-to-trails road that I hadn’t known about and was very surprised about. I thought we didn’t have any nearby. I knew about rails to trails. They convert old railroads into bike paths. He described where it was. I will have to go look there.

It makes me feel good to help someone and make a big difference in their life. I know it will make this guy’s life easier, and he loves the bike and wants to ride it. He was so excited. And everyone thinks the bike is awesome. It’s not a crappy bike, it’s a bike to be proud of.

It helped me go one step further in my decon and it got rid of a task I was dreading, the task of struggling a thousand times to clean the various parts of the bike well enough that they would be decontaminated completely. I had just given up on the bike and set it aside and wasn’t thinking about it. It’s just too hard to clean something well enough.

So, I did get something done this week, a big decon task that I hadn’t expected to do and hadn’t planned for, and it worked out well for me and for someone else. And while talking to him, I got a suggested solution for a problem that I had, the online debit card theft incident. It was, suspiciously, a bit too perfect, but I’m just gonna go with it. I just need to get this stuff done.

Just to clarify, I *did not* lose $800+

October 2, 2013

They *tried* to buy >$800 of stuff, but the bank blocked it and did not allow the transaction. I have not lost any money.

It seems that I did succeed in one minuscule donation to Rick, my first attempt, and that money doesn’t count as being lost.

And again, let me emphasize, I do not blame Rick for this incident.

My huge donations are being delayed by an online debit card theft.

October 2, 2013

1:06 PM 10/2/2013

I’ve been delayed in my donations. I got a $500 birthday check from Mom the other day and deposited it. I was attempting to do something for myself first – buying the dental filling removal supplies.

But when I was trying to buy the stuff online, I found out that my debit card wasn’t working. I switched to using a different method of payment, and it worked, so I have actually ordered the dental filling stuff, as far as I know.

http://socionist.blogspot.com/2013/10/donations-and-commenting-platform-for.html

For the time being, there is a link to donate on this page. I’d have loved to use that. You can fill out whatever amount you want. There is almost a sense of humor in this post (or maybe I’m just reading it that way), which matches with my own low-level manic attack in the past couple days. I’m not worrying about the mania anymore because the levels are low enough that I am not completely out of control. I’m at the ‘accepting my imperfections’ stage now. It would almost be funny that he gave me a link to donate through instead of using the TryUkraine page.

However, a misfortune has occurred. I’ve never had any problems with theft of my credit cards while shopping online, BUT GUESS WHAT, THERE’S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING! Of course, NOW of all times, when I have a noble purpose to accomplish and I’m not merely shopping online, I try to use my debit card through PayPal, and instantly, it gets hacked and stolen and somebody apparently tried to use it to buy >$700 at walmart.com and >$100 at Reebok. It triggered my bank’s fraud protection, and they immediately locked my debit card.

That’s why I was having problems trying to use it to order stuff at Amazon the other day. I thought that maybe there had been some minor, temporary issue as a result of my using PayPal, but I figured it was something simple that would fix itself in a day or two, or maybe I’d just call the bank. But no, it turns out to be a big huge deal, and I can’t use that debit card now and have to wait a couple weeks until I get another debit card. I don’t want to give my actual bank account number to PayPal, although it’s possible to do that, and, after this, I definitely don’t want to. I’m lucky I’m still able to withdraw cash so that I can eat.

I wasn’t able to eat last night – well, I did, sort of. I had a little bit of change left in my wallet. I was able to eat, but not what I wanted, and I couldn’t go to the movie I wanted to see. I had tried to use a MAC machine to check my balance a couple days ago, and it just cut me off and said ‘last transaction canceled.’ I thought nothing of it, thinking that particular MAC machine was temporarily out of order or something.

Nobody called me on the phone because they only had my cell phone number, not my ‘home phone’ number, and I told them that my cell phone is my only phone, and they didn’t know that (I got this from talking to the fraud protection guy on the phone today). They said they’re required to call on the home phone.

I tried to use the card again at McDonald’s, last night, and it said it was not approved, so I had to cancel the big sandwich and just get a small McDouble instead.

Then I went to the MAC machine to check my balance, and it wouldn’t even let me check the balance. It said that my card had been reported as ‘lost’ and I had to talk to the bank.

I went home crying and thinking about what I should do. First, I don’t think RICK tried to buy $>800 of stuff using my debit card. He’s not a hundred-dollar Reeboks kind of guy, which is one reason why I like him (and I’m tempted to say, it’s probably one of the reasons why he likes me). I didn’t know that somebody had stolen my debit card for real (for ‘real,’ quote unquote, whatever that is, in a world of computer hackers, mind controllers, and life story writers) until I called the bank this morning and he told me about the unusual transactions.

I was *really* looking forward to throwing everything I have at him, seriously, and I’m not being sarcastic. It is actually thrilling to send money to him. I expect it will be used for expensive things like plane tickets so that we can see each other, and if I visited him, I would need some extra money so I could stay there for a little while and then decide what to do afterwards.

But now that my debit card is blocked (and now, it’s been cut up into little pieces and I’m waiting for the next one to arrive in a couple weeks), I cannot dump all this money on him, and I’m nervous that it’s going to burn a hole in my pocket, or that I will give up hope and lose faith and stop believing, and just say, ‘Oh well, I’ll just use the money for whatever,’ and go to the hotel or something, some random way of destroying the money. It’s very easy for me to revert back to my unbelieving state.

As of right now he has a PayPal button that lets you fill in the amount. I am actually happy to see it, even though I can’t use it. I could try again to use PayPal and let them into my bank account directly, but I don’t feel safe doing that, and I have no way of knowing which hackers/thieves are ‘real’ versus which ones are scripted puppets who were put there at this exact moment for this exact purpose by the puppeteers. If the hackers are uncontrolled, then they could actually do some harm to me. If they’re just puppets being put there to get in my way, they might not harm me. I usually don’t like to assume that, because it would give me a false sense of security. It’s easy for someone like me, someone being watched all the time, to develop a false sense of security and to believe that the watchers have more power than they actually have, that they are omnipotent and omniscient, and that accidents never happen. Accidents still do happen.

The only rationale that I have for why I am being delayed is that I haven’t actually removed my dental fillings yet. I really, really want to do that before getting pregnant. If I spent a few minutes with Rick in the real world and if he tolerated me at all, then I probably would want to have sex with him very quickly and I might surrender and stop trying to protect myself. I’m 39 years old. I might just give up. After a couple incidents of unprotected sex I might be pregnant when I’m not ready to be yet. I could do it without any planning or preparation, without being on the diet yet (the super extra mega nourishing pregnancy diet), still drinking caffeine and being malnourished, having no idea how I’m going to pay for this in the future – I could do it spontaneously and just give up and forget all that. This is all assuming that he is more tolerant than he appears to be.

‘They’ were comparing him to Oscar the Grouch. I always loved Oscar the Grouch and I always felt like maybe I could win him over. I sensed that there were hurt feelings beneath Oscar’s behavior. I didn’t have the words to describe it when I was a kid. I must have seen something which was described in the Wikipedia article about Oscar: they said that Oscar was always very nice, kind, and friendly while talking to children, even though he was grouchy and insulting towards many adults. Oscar was being careful not to hurt or scare people who were vulnerable and innocent. Apparently I recognized that about Oscar and I knew he wasn’t all mean all the time. When Oscar is nice to you, it makes you feel special. Wikipedia listed a lot of interesting facts about Oscar that I never knew, or had forgotten. I always wanted to see the Grouch world.

Suddenly working three days a week, sooner than I expected

October 1, 2013

3:37 PM 10/1/2013

I was surprised to find out that my new work schedule has already begun, so I am only on three days a week now, starting now. I’m a bit disoriented. I was mentally preparing to go to work tomorrow, and suddenly I’m not going. I had to call them on the phone to get the schedule. He finished it late, probably because of me, and he said something about not being able to cover a few shifts. I feel bad for them, but I have to survive, and I have things I *desperately* and urgently need to do, and I absolutely cannot do them while working five days a week.

So, suddenly, my life has instantly been released, only partly, but still. I’ve written a to-do list.

It is likely that during my goal-oriented phase, I will be leaving the netbook at home a lot. I did that during the week of my vacation while I was working on the decon. I don’t get distracted and I don’t waste a lot of time online, if I leave the netbook home. I have some very specific, focused things that I have to get done.

Luckily, my mom just sent me a birthday check, and I deposited it. I’m planning to get a second job and work it around the first job, but haven’t actually done that yet, so this means that all of a sudden, I won’t have much money, in two weeks when the first small paycheck hits. Getting a second job is one of the focused projects that requires a huge amount of willpower, and it’s extremely hard for me to do it while working five days at another job, but much easier to do when I’m off work and resting for four days every week, and simultaneously panicking about how little money I am earning. I will do it until I succeed.

I spent a small amount of money and ordered a dental drill, just a cheap one. I did not order all of the parts and accessories needed, so it won’t be able to work when I get it. I just need to look at it and hold it in my hand and figure out what parts I absolutely have to have, versus what I might be able to jury rig. I want to try to jury rig an air compressor for it instead of using an official dental air compressor, one of the huge things that sits in the basement of the dentist’s office and costs, I dunno, thousands and thousands of dollars. I don’t want a huge permanent piece of infrastructure. I want to use something small.

I looked online and found out that it’s possible to get a little air tank which looks like it doesn’t even require electricity. You fill it up at the air pump at the gas station, then carry it to wherever you need to go. It’s extremely cheap. I’m curious to find out whether I can use this and rig it up to my dental drill, using any means necessary, and it doesn’t have to be neat and tidy. So I might possibly try that. I’m aware that this won’t be very good, it won’t be ideal, and a lot of dentists are going to be rolling over in their graves at the sight of me attempting to do this. (I don’t know the equivalent of ‘rolling over in one’s grave’ if one is still alive, but the living dentists will be rolling over in their dental chairs or something.)

So, I’ll try the little air tank thing, and it might not work, but I have to see it and handle it and try to make it work, first, before I decide where to go from there.

I’ve had the dental fillings on my to-do list for a long time. I am going to attempt to remove them at home by myself and not refill them with anything. As usual, this sounds like it’s going to be a disastrous project. But I am going to be extremely careful. I don’t think this is as disastrous as some of my other disasters in the past have been.

I’m off tomorrow and Thursday… I need to mentally reorient myself and think of what tasks to accomplish next. I am suddenly more free than I expected to be. There is an infinite list of stuff to do, stuff that I always postpone when I’m dead tired from working too many hours. Suddenly that stuff is doable, again.