Archive for November, 2016

Sage, gamemaker, no sleep

November 30, 2016

I have been sleeping all day and staying awake all night. I was awake last night using GameMaker Studio copying Terraria, just making the skeleton of the game.

It is only herbal drugs that cause me to try to use GameMaker. I have been eating sage to test it. I wonder if it stops working, if your body becomes acclimated to it. What I really want to know is, what was the ingredient in the Chinese roommates’ food that made me smarter, in 2014? I think it was a black chopped paste in a jar, but I’m not sure. They put it on that particular meal.

I am only eating powdered sage from the grocery store, nothing special.

Joseph cut his hair today.

I got so little sleep, I cannot bear to work to midnight as I surely will have to. I can’t. I was almost crying. No sleep.

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Glass noodles and uziza leaves and fish sauce

November 28, 2016

I made a meal of some weird things. I had cellophane noodles, the same thing as glass noodles, made from mung beans. Then today I bought fish sauce made from anchovies, salt, and sugar, at the International Market store. I had a bad day and probably have PMS, so I was clumsy, irritable, and did everything wrong today…, so, the fish sauce barely made it 50 feet from the store before the bag swung against the bike wheel, bent the lid open, and made the fish sauce start leaking through the corner of the bag. I was able to close it, though – it wasn’t broken.

I got dried rosemary and sage, and a new weird herb used in Indian food, but I forgot the name and can’t find the bag right now. (Uziza leaves. Never heard of them.) So I added all three of those herbs to the noodle water, garlic, and tons of fish sauce. That’s all, just noodles and garlic with herbs. Oh also the last bit of lard in my one ounce sample jar, and a few shavings of tallow.

It was very good, and I don’t mind eating bitter herbs. Small amounts of bitterness are okay. I probably will desire fruit juice soon, but I’m taking a nap first. I got out of work early enough to go shopping and get this stuff (I already had the glass noodles, unused, from when I lived in the house), but the sun set while I boiled the noodles. So I sat there in the dark.

Sitting by a hot object is wonderful. I want a fire. I love infrared. The grill is all I have for now. Its smoke is invisible, although people could theoretically smell the foods I’m cooking. I just don’t want people to find this place unless I trust them.

I must acquire many foods that can be stored at room temperature, and only once in a while get special treats that are perishable, and use them immediately. I love this philosophy, this approach, of gathering nonperishable, off-the-grid foods. I still did not see kaffir lime leaves though. Maybe somewhere else.

I must teach myself to trust myself to provide myself with foods as good as, and better than, and more desirable than, anything sold in restaurants, Burger King, or the convenience store. I must make a lot of memories of resisting the urge to go buy food and instead making it at home, knowing it will be even better than what I would have gotten. It’s like quitting caffeine.

incidentally, no heart attacks from the tallow

November 27, 2016

I forgot to mention that after eating the little bit of tallow yesterday – more than I’ve ever eaten in one sitting before from that particular jar, just a lot of shavings into the ‘soup’ – I did not have any heart attack sensations. The closest was a tiny bit of chest pain which could have just as easily been from inhaling smoke and fumes from the new grill. The grill itself has instructions saying you have to turn on the grill for fifteen minutes with the lid on to let it heat up the paint and make the chemicals go away before you use it.

I was sitting right next to this grill enjoying the infrared heat the whole time it was cooking, so I inhaled these fumes (although I wasn’t next to it during the first fifteen minutes when I heated it empty according to the instructions). But surely they cannot be 100% gone after only heating it for fifteen minutes. Nothing is ever 100% gone.

I felt the tiny little bit of a chest pain during heavy breathing while walking or riding the bike, and it was mild and temporary, and could have just as easily been from my lungs. I could not tell. I did not have the obvious clamping pressure elephant-on-the-chest sensations that I had a few years ago. Oh, and I went to the doctor back then and had them do all this testing, all of which made them conclude that I have had no heart attacks at all, no lasting damage, no scars, no changes to the sound of the heart beat. I never paid that medical bill. I stopped paying all my bills, including the credit card, at that time, and basically went bankrupt. But they said nothing had been permanently damaged, according to their thingamabob. They didn’t understand why I had heart attack sensations, which is WHY I HAVE TO DO ALL MY RESEARCH BY MYSELF. The end.

Rambling about stuff; woke up to the sound of a weird brain entrainment rhythm that I never noticed before

November 27, 2016

11:04 AM 11/27/2016

I started typing this on the smartphone, but the battery died just after I started. So I’m starting again on my laptop. I just won’t be able to publish it until later.

I had a weird experience this morning. First let me write a couple notes though.

harry potter – why do i like them?
beef tallow
kimchi experiment
coffee withdrawal, continuing

This morning when I woke up, I could hear the brain entrainment frequency so loudly, I thought one of my phones was vibrating. I have never had this happen before. So I have a theory about why I was suddenly able to hear it. Let me explain.

I have noticed that my auditory perception changes after I’ve been exposed to particular chemicals or eaten particular foods or drugs. I first learned about this when I was doing the Feingold Diet again as an adult in the year 2000. I read that the ringing in the ears (tinnitus) can be worsened by eating lots of salicylate, which is naturally occurring in fruits and vegetables, but there is a lot more of it in some than others. So I learned, if I eat watermelon in particular, I get a whole lot of ringing in my ears. I don’t know why – maybe the ear canal is swollen or something, which would change the way the sound vibrations travel.

It also changes if I am going into withdrawal from a drug. So for instance, if I would take St. John’s Wort, and then stop taking it and go into withdrawal, I will hear the sound of people screaming, in the background noise of everything. It is a strange, terrifying distortion. It happens to me from all antidepressants. I notice it most when I am first waking up. Some frequencies become louder and some become quieter. That particular sound is associated with the extremely negative emotions that come along with antidepressant withdrawal.

I don’t know what I did to alter my noise perception, but this particular distortion has never happened to me before. This was totally new. I can only theorize that I did something yesterday that affected me.

Well, the most unusual thing I did yesterday was, I assembled and then used a brand new cheap propane grill which California has said causes cancer and birth defects. I do notice unusual symptoms after touching and handling objects that have the California Cancer warning on them – I don’t just outright get cancer that very instant, but I notice sensations like the dumbing down of my brain, or a feeling of slowness, or a sort of dizzy feeling, or tickling in the skin where I touched the object. These are temporary and they go away after a while, when I wash off.

I actually took a shower at the YMCA yesterday (I’m still camping and cannot shower easily, even though now, technically, I do have a source of hot water, but not much hot water at one time!), so I washed myself off very well – they have really nice high pressure water there, unlike both of the houses where I have rented a room over the past couple years, both of which had horribly pathetic water pressure – I might have just been standing there pouring a cup of water over my head.

Also, I had very mild food poisoning, which I assume was from the kimchi (I also had the green grapes, and the only thing that went wrong with them was, some salad dressing accidentally spilled into them from something else I ate, but I wiped it off) – it was too many days old and it had exposure to the air inside the jar, and the temperatures outside were warm, and I didn’t bury it underground, I only put it underneath the tent. It actually probably would have been safer to simply keep it out in the open completely, not inside a jar. I didn’t get deathly ill, I just had weird sensations when I was lying in bed yesterday morning, and, disturbingly enough, in spite of what that web page said (you don’t get botulism from fermented vegetables), they resembled botulism. It was the slightest bit of a sensation that my eye muscles were doing something weird – they were slightly reluctant to move. My heart didn’t stop beating. I had other weird sensations too, a general malaise, sensations of anxiety, and other stuff that I just didn’t bother writing down and forgot about – it wasn’t important, it was only informative enough to tell me that the food was poisoned now and I should stop eating it.

Note, that web page didn’t say anything about OPENING THE JAR, EATING FROM IT, CLOSING IT AGAIN, AND LEAVING IT AT ROOM TEMPERATURE for two or three days. They always say once you open it, put it into the refrigerator. The only time when it’s left at room temperature is when it’s still completely sealed and hasn’t been opened to the air at all yet, when it’s still in the fermentation process in the beginning. I was aware of this and I’m not blaming anyone – I’m the one who did the experiment.

So anyway, the food poisoning chemical has also been in my body recently, which could have been another thing that altered my sound perception.

The other unusual thing was tallow. I don’t eat a whole lot of tallow. I suspect the mainstream belief might be right about tallow – it does something to your heart. I don’t notice any problems from lard. I have had several experiences of having chest pains after eating beef fat. It is within 24 hours, like almost every symptom, when most people have been led to believe this idea: ‘Only a scientist can tell you the causal connections between things you did and the symptoms you experience, and things like cancer and heart disease only happen gradually over a period of decades, and you can’t possibly know what you did all those decades to cause you to get cancer or heart disease unless a scientist does a long-term study on a large population of people to see what happens to the entire group.’

That entire idea is completely wrong. You can observe exactly what is the connection between your symptoms and what you did, usually within a short 24 hour period, and this includes things like heart attacks. If someone has a heart attack, they did something unusual within the past 24 hours, such as, for instance, they suddenly stopped taking a drug and went into withdrawal. Blood pressure drugs cause you to have heart attacks when you go into withdrawal, and this is not merely ‘your original condition returning,’ but rather, a WITHDRAWAL SYMPTOM from the drug itself, which you never would have experienced if you had never taken the drug. That is how they hook people to drugs and terrify them and convince them that they need them. This whole thing is an absolute, utter lie and a trick that makes billions of dollars for the drug company.

However, there are many different factors that can cause a heart attack within 24 hours, and most people don’t know what they all are and haven’t memorized them all. I have collected a few things over the years simply because I’m interested in medical topics and have had some weird experiences, so I know things like inhaling smoke will do it, and eating tallow, and quitting drugs, and some other stuff that I can’t remember offhand.

Well, okay. I don’t know what caused it, but here is what happened this morning. I was forced awake in the middle of a dream, as always. It wasn’t a very interesting dream. The voices always talk to me when they wake me up and they usually explain something about the dream to me. Dreams are always fake, all of them – they are scripted and written by humans who force them into your brain using electronic mind control. I don’t know if I have ever had a natural dream in my entire life. They said this morning that it was a dream about ‘an annoying autistic guy,’ who was inspired by Credence on ‘Fantastic Beasts,’ which I watched yesterday. I didn’t find him to be annoying at all, but apparently some people must have. I don’t remember anything about the dream.

But as soon as I was awake, I was hearing this sound. It was a deep buzz, like the phone vibrating, occurring once every second or two, at a slow speed. I couldn’t count the seconds and pay attention to the buzz at the same time, because it was possible to kind of forget how to hear it. It merged with the background noises and would not have been noticeable. It sounded like an airplane, and when there actually was an airplane going overhead, it seemed like that was what it was coming from, because the buzz was about that deep. It also came from the cars driving on the highway. It was from all the background noise everywhere, coming from it, but with some other modulating frequency that gave it a buzzing sound every 1.5 seconds or something. It was extremely regular, perfectly rhythmical, and absolutely unnatural.

Meanwhile, as I was lying there trying to listen to this new and unfamiliar phenomenon, the voices were still bugging me. ‘Do you love me? Do you still love me?’ it kept asking. The voices told me this had something to do with Chris, a guy who once answered my craigslist ad when I was trying to find a boyfriend several years ago. He is an ENFP, my dual. I liked him the most out of several other people who I talked to. It still isn’t as good of a relation as I would like, but he seemed to be the most intelligent and the most verbose and able to communicate.

Well, what went wrong with him was, he was using benzodiazepines. He was yet another one of the countless victims of mainstream medicine. Anyone who doesn’t fit into society gets drugged, especially the people who are the most interesting, most intelligent, and most nonconforming, people who do not like being labeled and put into a tiny little box and forced to work as a slave forever.

I was so extremely sensitive to his benzodiazepines that I went into withdrawal and was having mild convulsions and was kneeling on the floor in the bathroom for hours trying not to vomit, and I had terrifying, crippling anxiety. This withdrawal began only a few hours after touching him. It also happened anytime I touched his physical belongings, such as a book that he gave me, which had his benzo-laced fingerprints on it.

I think I remember vaguely the horror of trying to explain to him that I had problems with chemical sensitivity, but mostly, I just kind of stayed away from him without explaining why. Then, immediately after that, I was forced into the situation with Rick, which was not something I chose to do, but resulted from a huge amount of
harassment, torture, drug residues, and mind control lasting for years. That effectively kept me away from Chris, although I remained friends with him.

I know from experience that drug residues last an extremely long time, although not all drug residues are the same. Ephedra is an
unbreakable molecule that will last literally forever, as in, I think it would last thousands of years if you used it deliberately to put a curse on an Egyptian mummy’s tomb, and I’m not joking – I had a theory that poisonous plant juices could have been sprayed in the tombs to ‘curse’ them, curse anyone who broke in and tried to steal the stuff. But other plant molecules do eventually break down somehow, sometimes from sunlight.

Benzodiazepine molecules – they must have a benzene ring in them, because of the name. Ephedra also has a benzene ring, which is the part that’s unbreakable – NOTHING can break open a benzene ring, except the strongest forces in the universe. It is not a normal everyday force that breaks apart a benzene ring. It doesn’t just happen passively. So these molecules are probably still on him and his belongings now, even though, if I recall, he once told me he stopped taking the drug. He wouldn’t understand. I had years and years of unbearable, unbelievable, horrible experiences with ephedra that taught me this lesson – nothing ever just goes away on its own. You have to throw every molecule in the garbage to get rid of it. It’s exactly like the black soot on the bottom of the pans at Maki Yaki, how it spreads from one thing to another, but it’s invisible. And it goes through your skin and causes horrible symptoms that will utterly ruin your life. Benzodiazepine wasn’t as horrible as ephedra, but it’s bad enough.

So that is why I still to this day hesitate to try to get with Chris again, even though part of me wants to. He isn’t really my desired physical type – he is too big and too tall – I tend to like people who are a little bit shorter, like myself, not someone who is twice as tall as I am. But I can accept that – I have been with other people who were a similar size to him. It’s not just tallness, it’s bigness – I tend to like people who are skinny and have no muscles, although they can have lean, wiry muscles, which are actually very sexy, just not huge bodybuilder muscles. But the main problem is the drug residues, not anything about his physical body. I would have ignored all of that.

Oh, that’s right – that’s because of what the voices have been doing. They keep bugging me about Chris, and they did that again this morning while I was struggling to hear this unusual, perfectly rhythmical, unnatural, mechanical, recurring buzz overlaid on top of the background noise. I forgot why I went off on a big tangent about Chris.

Harry Potter. I don’t have a lot of money, and I’m going to use up what little I have, because there won’t be a paycheck this week, and I haven’t gone out there to talk to the food stamps people. So I will basically go this whole week, and all of next week, till next Friday, without any more money. I have a tiny bit of cash savings that was supposed to be used for something important, such as plane tickets, but I will probably use it for food. If I can really do this thing of buying food at the grocery store, then I might save money, but I have to troubleshoot my cravings. Oh, that was another thing I wanted to talk about.

Anyway, I saw the Fantastic Beasts movie. I actually walked in 40 minutes after it started, because I’m riding my bike and the bus to get there, and this is an unplanned impulse that I suddenly had yesterday, so I didn’t look up the movie times and the bus schedules. The movie was okay, not great. I would watch it again a few more times. I think they should use Jim Henson’s puppets instead of computer animation. That way the actors would be interacting with a physical object instead of an imaginary one.

I always feel different after seeing a Harry Potter movie, and seeing all the other people who like them too. It is one of the few times when I feel like I belong in a group of people. I do fit in there. Why do the movies mean so much to me? Well, JK Rowling typed herself INFJ, which is my socionic activator, someone in the Delta Quadra. So we already have a similar perception of the world, of people, of values, and so on.

But it’s more than that. It’s also because the first books were about children, and I have always loved stories and movies that had children in them, more than movies and books about adults. We don’t have enough children. I should go to Guatemala. They have a huge percentage of children in the society.

I also love them because they are about people living together, people being in school together, people eating at a table together. Those scenes are always in the Harry Potter movies. I missed the beginning of the FB movie, but there was no school and no group of people eating at a table together, although there was still the idea of a secret community. This is for people who feel like they don’t fit into normal society, and I have always felt that I don’t fit in to normal society. It’s for people who want normal life to be less normal, less boring, to have something wonderful and unexpected happen to them, to have some secret knowledge that they are going to learn.

Watching the movies, and asking myself why I love them so much, and why I love being part of this particular crowd of people when I normally hate the society that surrounds me, hate the crowds of people who surround me – I ask myself why do I like this, and this helps me define my values. It meets some kind of a need, a very important need, and I want to know exactly what that need is.

Coffee withdrawal, continuing. I stopped all caffeine instantly, cold turkey, on the very first day when I had sex with Agustin in August and knew I could possibly be pregnant. That was the only thing strong enough to motivate me to stop completely. I had been trying to stop drinking coffee for TWO DECADES. Actually, I wasn’t really trying most of that time, I was just passively saying things like, ‘I wish I could stop drinking coffee and go back to being totally caffeine free like I used to be.’ I only really tried hard to stop a couple of times, and it would only last for a couple weeks.

This is the longest I’ve gone without caffeine in all those twenty years. It’s been a few months now. I STILL get cravings triggered by ANY OTHER drug exposure, especially tobacco. The slightest exposure to tobacco, and within a few minutes I am desperately desiring coffee. These drugs are all intertwined – alcohol, tobacco, and caffeine (including tea). They are all each other’s gateway drugs. If you have one, you are more likely to start doing the others, and when you are doing them all, you do them all together – oh, I’m going to get drunk tonight, and tomorrow morning I’ll wake up and have coffee and cigarettes as soon as I get out of bed. You go into withdrawal from one and it triggers cravings for all the others.

Even spicy peppers and tomatoes are triggering cravings. They are nightshades in the same family as tobacco. It’s not so bad – the cravings triggered by spicy peppers are not uncontrollable, but they were bad in the very beginning when I first stopped caffeine.

Garlic – it also triggers extreme and uncontrollable desperate cravings for things. I used, I think, four cloves of garlic chopped into that tiny little shallow pan of water with the chopped up sweet potatoes. I smell like garlic today. Garlic gives me this extreme, powerful thirst for an unknown something. It gives me cravings for fruit juice. If I have garlic, I desire fruit juice immediately afterwards, and it is an irresistible desire, very painful. Onions also trigger powerful cravings for juice, I think, but I don’t remember – it’s been a while since I had a lot of onions. I am only eating small amounts of onions on the random things I buy.

Troubleshooting cravings is one of the most important goals of cooking everything from scratch. I used garlic for a reason – to counteract the heart-attacking effects of tallow. But I want to stop all cravings for caffeine. Any powerful craving at all is a signal that something is wrong, in my opinion, which means that garlic might possibly become a forbidden food. Some people in the paleo community have said they do better without garlic and onions.

Popular foods always have some kind of craving-inducing ingredient in them. It will be wheat, dairy (especially cheese), tomatoes and the nightshade family and hot peppers, garlic – that’s not including things like chocolate. I’m fairly sure I get cravings for wheat and bread. Yesterday, after eating that sweet potato-garlic-tallow mixture, I ate some dried meat sticks – I forget what brand or what they’re called. Then, I was left with an extremely overwhelming craving for juice and bread. I went out and bought a sandwich and juice (although I ended up not really liking the particular juice I tried – when you’re in the middle of an intense craving, don’t risk trying something weird, just go with the one that works – I tried some bizarre variety of ‘Naked’ juice with some kind of vegetables mixed in it). This sandwich I bought had the craved ingredients of bread and cheese. Garlic is probably what triggered that craving.

I want to be able to cook everything from scratch and not buy a single premade item, and I want to go without eating bread. Dairy is inconvenient while camping – I am not comfortable with any methods of trying to preserve it at room temperature, and I don’t really want to eat powdered Parmesan cheese – yuck, I always thought it smelled like vomit – or canned milk. I don’t like sour cream and I tolerate yogurt only if it has lots of sugar added to it and preferably with fruit in it, or cooked into a savory food as they often do with Indian cooking, with lots of herbs.

So I need to understand all of the cravings – which foods are triggering cravings? Why do I have this desperate, relentless need to go out and buy something with bread, cheese, milk, or fruit juice in it? What is triggering that? Garlic is one of the most notorious triggers, but if I am going to be eating fats like tallow, I want a heart attack defense. I do actually eat raw garlic whenever I feel like I’m having a heart attack. I have had angina and heart attack-like sensations many, many times in the past, for many reasons – I was dating Peter, and he was using a whole bunch of drugs, and I would go into withdrawal after being with him, which caused heart attacks. He took blood pressure drugs among other things.
Antidepressants also cause heart attacks, along with heart deformities in the children of mothers who used the drugs while pregnant. Anytime I am having one of my pseudo heart attacks or angina (which sometimes even come with a clamping sensation and difficulty breathing, at their very worst – that was only a few years ago when that happened, and it doesn’t happen often – that was being triggered by eating a bunch of little beef sausages which had a whole lot of fat in them, during a time when I also had ephedra contamination, rhododendron
contamination, tobacco contamination, St. John’s Wort contamination, and all of Peter’s drug residues at the same time, during the winter when a whole bunch of smoke from the neighbor’s fireplace was coming directly into the bedroom where I was renting an apartment – just about every possible factor that could go wrong was going wrong simultaneously – oh yeah, I was also living in Bellefonte at that time, and I discovered years later that they had fluoride in the water, which I didn’t know at the time!), I always eat raw garlic, which makes it go away.

There is no actual legitimate ‘need’ to go out and eat wheat, bread, or noodles. You can get all of those needs elsewhere. Is it a need for starch? Nope, I had sweet potatoes. Is it an addictive desire for opioid proteins? Maybe. Is it an addictive desire for something fermented, the bread? Maybe. I do not know of any nutrient in bread that is actually ‘needed’ in such a way that I would desperately desire it, and so I classify it as an addiction, something unnatural and harmful and undesirable.

I should stop writing this and get ready for work. I need to comb my hair and try to eat something. I still have lots of dried fruits and nuts and maybe there are a couple meat sticks left too.

So, the weird noise this morning was what prompted me originally to write. I don’t know why I was able to hear that when I never have before.

*******
I had shut down the laptop and was eating some food, but I just remembered one of the most important things that made me decide to eat animal fat. A very long time ago, when I was a teenager, I used to read my parents’ ‘Time Life’ set of books. They had these thin hardback books, a whole series, about all the different places on earth, and one of my favorite places to read about was the Arctic and the Antarctic.

The people who went dog sledding in Antarctica noticed that if you didn’t eat any animal fat, you would quickly get frostbite, but if you did eat it, it protected against frostbite very strongly. The difference was extreme and noteworthy. This convinced me that there is some legitimate need to eat fat. They didn’t test it with all the thousands of different kinds of oils out there, so I don’t know if vegetable oil does the same thing, or saturated fats from plants like coconuts, or whatever is in avocadoes – I do eat coconut and avocado too when I get the chance. I only know that it was essential to eat fat when you were at risk of frostbite.

Last night, the buses weren’t running when I left the theater (I also watched ‘Dr. Strange’ after watching ‘Fantastic Beasts.’), so I rode my bike, and walked up all the long hills, all the way across town from where Lowe’s hardware is, all the way to Walnut Springs Park. I don’t ride my bike up the hills because I have bad knees. I get off and walk up the hill. Pedaling a bike is an extremely unnatural movement that the human body was not designed to do. I do not view bicycle riding as a healthy form of exercise. I do it because I have no other choice. I view it as damaging the bones and joints and I think it’s why my hips went bad. (My hips have been much less painful since I quit caffeine!!! This has been consistent this whole time, all these months since August – much, much, much less hip joint pain.) The bike seat on this particular bike is kind of wide in the back, for comfort, but whenever my leg presses against the bike seat as the leg is pedaling, it dislocates my hip – the bike seat forces the hip joint outwards while the leg is moving. I have to make sure not to let the back of my legs touch the seat of the bike when pedaling.

The bike is also made for people who have a normal proportion of torso to legs. I have extremely short legs with a very long torso, so I am sitting way upright on the bike, when I’m supposed to lean forward.

Leaning forward makes it much easier to pedal, if you put all the weight on the front of the bike, including any loads you are carrying, which should go into a basket on the front, and absolutely NOT into a basket on the BACK of the bike, which is idiotic – it slows you down and drags you, whereas if you put all the weight on the front, it acts like a seesaw and has an antigravity effect, lightening the weight placed on the back wheel, so that you literally weigh less on that wheel, and it’s easier to pedal – it’s like you are floating up into the air even when you go up a hill, as the heavier the load you’ve put on the front of the seesaw, the more the back wheel will be raised up into the air, with the front wheel as the pivot of the seesaw. Imagine putting so much weight on the front of the bike, hanging so far outward in front of the wheel, that you would actually topple over forwards. This is desirable. It doesn’t happen if you put it directly over the front wheel, which is the pivot. It only happens if the weight hangs outwards a very long distance in front of the bicycle, making it into a seesaw.

My bike is very unergonomic for me.

So I rode that bike all the way home from there, and walked up all the hills, but I am NOT TIRED this morning. I guess it’s too soon – I might be in pain tomorrow. I just thought it was interesting, and maybe it was because I had a very high energy meal with tallow in it. I have noticed tallow helps me to do a lot of hard labor without getting tired.

Okay – getting ready for work now. This is the first day I’m going back since the Thanksgiving break. I hope I remember how to do my job.

I guess I am kind of tired when I think about getting up and leaving my warm bed. I am noticing my hands are cold – this is probably from heavy metal poisoning and other chemical poisoning from the propane grill yesterday. My hands haven’t felt cold in a long time. I used to always be cold when I had a mercury dental filling. I haven’t felt cold in years. The thermometer in my tent says it’s 60 degrees, which is warm, and my hands shouldn’t feel cold.

Edit: I am in pain from going all the way across town yesterday. I didn’t notice it until now, after getting on my bike and going to the laundromat.

Edit: the kimchi has gone beyond. Also, a new cheap grill.

November 26, 2016

It tasted fine, but I had funny sensations early this morning, so I won’t eat any more of it. I think it needs a deep pool of brine to be totally immersed in, with weights on top to make sure everything stays under, like they do with the mu, or fermented daikon radishes. Is it spelled "mu?" The kimchi in the jar had a lot of empty space as I was using it up. It was great for the first two or three days, but then it went bad. I don’t ignore the funny sensations. I was sort of having weird feelings in my head. Also, the internet says you can lacto ferment cooked vegetables too.

I bought the cheap $30 propane grill and used it today to cook "sweet potato garlic tallow soup." That was only a test. All those ingredients can survive at room temperature. It took a very long time to boil, maybe an hour. I kept the lid on the grill..I am poisoned by the fumes and chemicals, so my brain is stupid now. California knows those things can cause cancer and reproductive harm. I don’t know how long the stupid brain phenomenon will linger.

It was fun to assemble the grill. It was a "girl power" moment. I needed a propane grill because I’m not allowed to make fires here, and the smoke will be obvious and will show everyone my location. Now, however, the smell of cooking garlic might.

I’m writing on my putaphone, so this won’t be long.

It’s great to cook, but it took SO LONG and I’d have to do it every day either before or after work, and if there is extra, I can only keep it overnight when the temp is below 40, and eat the rest in the morning.

If I can find tiny individual portions of meat, maybe directly from the butcher???? Isn’t there still a customized meat department at some of the grocery stores where they give you what you ask for? I’d have to do that, because even the smallest packs of meat will be several days worth.

I need herbs and spices. A trip to the foreign foods store, to look for kaffir lime leaves. Other spices from other stores, the Chinese food store, which has that Szechuan pepper, which has a uniquely numbing sensation, which I tried a couple years ago…. And a place to put all this, because I’m putting too much crap in the small tent where I sleep.

Tiny portions, bought daily, then cooked daily… A daily trip to a grocery store that has a custom butcher…. Or dried meat that keeps at room temp. I am skeptical that culinary herbs preserve meat. How does one safely test such a thing? Under what conditions? I know they are used as antioxidants. Preserving meat at the underground temp of 55 degrees, or cooler if it’s later in the winter and I’m still doing this. …. Just musing. Now that my brain is poisoned, it’s too hard to make complicated sentences and finish them. I just need lots of salt and herbs. They’re preservatives.

So anyway. I need to go take a shower at the YMCA today. I just wonder, will it really be possible to shop for, and cook, tiny individual meals, every single day, with few or no leftovers unless it’s cold overnight? Will I save enough money, and also eat healthier? I’m sure I’ll eat healthier. I could try to break the dairy addiction. Then I wouldn’t need to go to burger king at all. But I’m not sure if it’ll be cheaper. I could try it for a while. It’ll require tons of time. TIME, to shop and to cook. And to prep. I just had to sit there in the cold for 45 minutes or so. Actually maybe it only took 30 minutes to boil the shallow pan of liquid. I will feel as though all I ever do is shop, prep, cook, and clean up, and do it all again the next day, with my chemical poisoned brain.

But, I will try.

Outdoor-temperature kimchi experiment successful

November 25, 2016

I was too lazy and I did not actually bury the kimchi underground. I just shoved it under the tent, where it is touching the ground and in the darkness, because it hasn’t been extremely hot outside, and kimchi can survive several days at room temperature in a house before it gets too sour.

The kimchi is fine several days later. I am eating a little bit of it each day, and it’s in a small jar, so I don’t have to worry about trying to eat it all as fast as I can. It’s just slightly more sour than it was at the beginning. I don’t like strong sour flavors. Our kimchi at Maki Yaki is sometimes more sour than I like it to be, and my jar of kimchi isn’t even as sour as that yet.

I learned something recently while researching lacto-fermentation. For some reason, I had read this thousands of times before, but never understood the significance of it and never remembered it. IT MATTERS THAT THE FOOD IS RAW. That’s important. I thought people were just somehow exaggerating the importance of this, but I read an explanation that made sense to me and somehow it sunk in, finally. Raw foods still have all the different competing strains of bacteria. When you ferment them, all the different bacteria in there are preventing the growth of botulinum or botulinium or whatever it’s called (I have to google it again). I had done google searches for ‘why don’t lacto-fermented foods give you botulism?’ or something like that.

Botulism happens in CANNED food, which is COOKED at high heat. When you cook it, you kill all the other bacteria, the weak and harmless stuff, leaving only botulinum, the strongest and most deadly one, because it’s the only thing able to survive very high heat. After all the competition is gone, botulinum thrives. (I need to google that word before I keep trying to use it again.) Clostridium botulinum – got it.

So in cooked foods, all the competition is destroyed. In raw foods, all the other bacteria are still alive and their competition prevents the excessive growth of botulinum.

This is why pasteurized milk and pasteurized cheese have more bacterial diseases associated with them than raw milk does.

So, it might seem scary, because I’ve been taught over and over again never to do this, never put anything into an anaerobic container because you’ll get botulism, but that’s how you make lacto-fermented vegetables, as long as they are raw. You also add salt, which makes botulinum unable to grow.

The toughest one to ferment is meat. That does actually have a greater risk. They do it in the Arctic, but it has to be done the traditional way. Using modern tools, people screw it up – you can’t just, say, put some meat in the back of your refrigerator in a tupperware container and hope that it ferments properly. It doesn’t work like that. People have indeed died from botulism or some other poisoning from trying to combine traditional methods with modern tools and methods. I don’t have enough knowledge to know what is right, but I vaguely know some of it: you have to bury it underground just above the permafrost, and leave it there for a few months. It’ll be just above freezing. I think you put it inside a sealskin poke. Don’t ever eat dead whales lying on the beach, either – people died from that.

Lacto-fermented vegetables are less risky than meat. I might try using a jar, some water and salt, and some particular vegetable, which must be raw. And if I were going to actually do it myself for real, I probably would bury it in the ground just to be safe. I’m less careful with the kimchi partly because I’ve seen how they handle it at Maki Yaki – if I recall correctly, they leave it at room temperature for a couple days when they make it, and I’ve eaten it (and noticed it’s more sour than I like it to be, but still edible and nonlethal, just unpleasant). I got used to eating kimchi from the grocery store, which is mild. I also ate it at a couple other restaurants in the past. Because of this I am more confident about possibly making my own sauerkraut or kimchi this way.

I wonder why particular vegetables are used, but not others. Why don’t I see lots of fermented leafy greens other than the cabbage family? Couldn’t I ferment, say, arugula and watercress? Is there some attribute of the vegetables that is important, such as, it must be crunchy and watery, or something? There are fermentation forums on the internet, which is where I read the explanations for why it doesn’t give you botulism. I could look this up there too.

The thing I like about this is, I get the impression that you do not have to have any kind of special ‘seed’ in order for it to work. It just takes the normal bacteria, not some special strain of bacteria, unlike other special foods where you have to use a seed of the stuff first. I can’t remember what it is, it’s like a white chunky stuff. Why am I not remembering this? It’s actually disgusting. Maybe I’m thinking of kefir granules. That must be it. I’m not interested in kefir because it’s alcoholic – I tasted it one time and detected the alcohol.

Oh, I forgot to mention. At Thanksgiving dinner with Aunt Jean, her boyfriend Jack, and their friend Wayne, I resisted the urge to get coffee. I had a coffee mug turned upside down on a saucer already at my place at the table. When the lady came around and offered coffee and poured it for Wayne, I was still listening to Aunt Jeannie and fighting the urge to turn over my coffee cup and ask for coffee. I didn’t. It was like a Bilbo/Frodo-and-the-Ring moment. The black rider is there and Frodo is trying not to put on the ring. I pictured a spoof of this (probably because I hugged Jack and I’m now under the influence of his transdermal drug residues). Ah! My old mug. I should like to just…. turn it over again. (finger moves towards the handle of coffee cup). It was an inaccurate spoof because if you’re turning a coffee cup over you don’t need to stick your finger through the ring of the handle, but I had to make it match the movie. But, I resisted this urge.

Asparagus? Can I preserve asparagus? That’s one of my favorite vegetables, but I can’t buy it when I live in the tent because there’s so much I can’t eat it all in one sitting. It would be good for lacto-fermenting. I’ll google it.

I really, really, really, really need a book about all the edible wild plants in Pennsylvania, both native and invasive. It’s best if it’s a book, a physical book on paper. It needs to be thorough. I don’t want a mere beginner’s book. I want it to have a key for identifying the plants, too.

24 November, 2016 20:43

November 24, 2016

Love of nature. I just heard the song of a bird which might be the nightingale. It is a trilling, falling song, only at night when it is very peaceful. The other night i heard the bobcats screeching, disturbing the ducks, who started quacking and flying. They probably were hunting them. It could’ve been a fox, maybe, but i have sometimes been sure it’s bobcats. I once heard a cat growl just like the nittany lion sound effect on the radio, and then an animal squealing. The snow was so beautiful the other day. I am also hearing the geese flying. They are like honking windchimes, a random cacophony of pitches. Only because i am outside.

Weird dream. Flying, falling, being thrown by somebody

November 22, 2016

I recall a couple parts of the dreams. In one, I was holding onto a peacock feather, which was helping me fly, although this was probably like Dumbo the elephant – I was probably able to fly without the peacock feather. I just had to meditate and focus my mind, and I would rise up into the sky and float and swim through the air. I flew up into the trees and was terrified because I might fall down by accident if I lost my mental focus. The mental focus is always unstable and unreliable, so you can’t go too high or take too many risks, and if you’re falling and terrified, you have even less mental focus than before.

I don’t know why it was a peacock feather. ‘Peacock’ means that something is showy, visually, something decorative, something that gets attention. It also looks like an eye.

This is also probably because I beat the Martian Invasion and also the Pumpkin Moon in Terraria, although I’m struggling and can’t get past the Ice Queen in the Frost Moon. I run out of time before I can reach the 15th wave of the moon. It’s taking too long to kill the monsters. But I got a new flying saucer as a gift from the Martian Invasion, and now I can fly anywhere I want and stay up in the air without falling. The other flying wings and the hoverboard only fly for a short time, then slowly fall, till you touch the ground again and push back up. The UFO (it isn’t really unidentified – it’s obviously a flying saucer! but they call it a UFO in the game) can fly forever anywhere.

Well, the other dream was a bit weirder and scarier, in a way. Arturo from Kaarma threw me off a three story building or perhaps down a three story high staircase or something. I don’t know why he did this. I fell, and landed perfectly safe, shocked to find that I was totally unhurt. Maybe this is because Mike from Maki Yaki probably feels guilty about not giving me any hours at work during the school break. Arturo has the same personality type that Mike does – ESI-ISFJ. Arturo in the dream was kind of mad at me or something, I think. We had some kind of strange relationship. I think he was talking on his phone in the dream, too. That happened in real life – one time I got mad when he was talking on the phone during siesta. I found out that seemingly Arturo and Agustin were both sharing the same phone, or something like that, although he didn’t actually say it was Arturo who would have his phone.

Oh, I read about Guatemalans. An article about men and women’s roles said that the men would find a prostitute and view her as ‘community property,’ belonging to everybody. So that is probably why they thought I belonged to everybody and not just to Agustin. Even though I insisted I wasn’t a prostitute, and I paid for the hotel myself.

So I was running around in this big building with a lot of people, and I had a lot of relationships with various people there, in the dream. I forget… it had some similarity to the orphanage in ‘Annie,’ also, because in real life I was sometimes singing ‘Hard Knock Life’ and a couple other Annie songs while washing dishes, and Arturo heard me one time and recognized the songs, and he hummed ‘the sun will come out tomorrow.’ They could hear me singing better than I could hear them, because I was right next to the open door, which was noisy, and they were back farther in the room, shielded from the noise, able to hear me clearly.

Oh. Maybe this is telling me I should try to go back to work at Kaarma again? I had been planning to actually get a couple hours there, as a waitress. Maybe if I decide I want to work more and get more money I will go do that. I just wanted to keep the connection to them, because I did like them a lot, really, although Freddy himself was annoying sometimes – not all the time, just sometimes. I didn’t want to leave, I just wanted to work fewer hours.

I don’t remember anything else about that dream. I was trying to find somebody and tell them something, trying to fix a relationship problem, having an argument or fight with somebody which was an ongoing disagreement, a long-lasting disagreement, behind the scenes, not actually happening in the dream, but just a general long-lasting vague conflict or argument with somebody.

I just remember the moment when Arturo suddenly threw me down a three story height and I landed perfectly safe. That was very weird and disturbing. I was indignant and angry, like ‘Hey! I could’ve been killed!’ but was so surprised that I wasn’t dead. That kind of resembles one of the achievements in Terraria called ‘lucky break,’ where you fall from a height and nearly die but have only a tiny sliver of health remaining. I discovered that achievement by accident!

Oh yeah, there was another dream, I think from a day or two ago. There was a guy who might have possibly been a cruel and unkind representation of Jesse. He was represented as having a ‘mental disability’ in the dream, somehow. I just knew. It was described unkindly, like ‘mentally retarded’ or something. This guy was dragging me around by the throat, and in the dream, I liked it. I liked being dragged around by the throat. In real life, I do not actually like being dragged around by the throat. But there was one thing I appreciated that Jesse was doing – the problems he’s having are kind of pushing me to do more. He wants help with money, he wants help with a loan (I didn’t go to the bank today, though – I was exhausted because, oh, I forgot to tell about the dolly cart – so I slept all day till I went to the grocery store). He is actually kind of benefiting me because he’s encouraging me to try and get a loan, and if I am able to do that, then I’m able to get my own loans as well. I won’t be able to do anything right now, though, I’m pretty sure.

The dolly cart. I have taken out either ten or eleven bags of trash and oddly shaped packages, and put them into nearby dumpsters. A couple of those were bags of ordinary trash, though, not actually stuff I removed by sorting my belongings. But still, it was a lot. Last night, late at night, I took my dolly cart with four bags on it to a dumpster. It was a very long, slow walk, and it was freezing. I had my face covered with a little black fabric band thing. I took the dolly down the long, winding, hilly path in the woods. I forgot that it was able to be converted into a cart, so I took it at an angle on the two wheels, which was painful and tiring. Finally I remembered I could unlock the one bar with the little metal key thing and put it in so I could push it like a cart, and that made it much much easier. But because of that, I was totally dead exhausted today. This is chronic fatigue – difficulty recovering from relatively mild exertion. I slowly pushed this dolly, and it made these loud rumbling rattling noises, which I was afraid someone would hear. It was a constant rolling rattle. I took it all the way up a big hill on the sidewalk to an apartment building and put all the stuff in the dumpster. This is an unburdening.

I have less and less stuff in the storage tent. Now, it might be reasonable for me to move it all someplace, although the tents themselves, and the stuff in the small one where I’m sleeping, will still give a lot more packages. Now that I have a dolly, it’s much much easier to carry things along the path.

I’m feeling like I’m reaching the point in the process where I might have to change tasks. I can no longer say that I have thousands of tons of stuff to be sorted and thrown away. I have only a few more things, not tons and tons. The process needs to change to some other process now, a new task. I don’t know what that task is. I am lost. I have no direction for my energy.

That lobster bisque was actually kind of gross. I’m disappointed. Oh well, I never tried it before. I didn’t know what to expect. That particular brand, maybe. Also, I ate it cold. It’s probably much better when it’s hot. I bet that’s the problem. I do need that $30 propane stove, but that’s one more thing I have to carry when I move. I don’t know whether to buy it or not. It could help a lot, but damn it, nothing is ever stable. I can only buy infrastructure when I have a place to put it, long term. Infrastructure gets thrown in the garbage because I cannot sell it – that takes too much time and I don’t have a car to drive it around anywhere.

So. That’s all I remember. Oh, I was shopping at a mall, or something, with the guy who was dragging me by the throat. We were shopping, wandering around the mall, which had many levels, at least three levels. Yes, I’ve had a few dreams of wandering around in a multi-level shopping mall, looking for a particular store, or at the very least, an interesting store. I don’t know what store. At least it wasn’t the ‘I’m in school and I haven’t done any of my homework for the past three months’ dream. That was too close to my real life.

omg, now my food stamps aren’t working at all!

November 22, 2016

Something is wrong with my food stamps. I was going to try to use the small amount of money on them at the grocery store tonight. However, a week or two ago, I used the food stamps card at McClanahan’s grocery store near Maki Yaki. It worked. They had some difficulty getting it to work – for some reason the cash register canceled it and I had to do it again. I think the cashier didn’t know how to do it.

I checked my balance tonight, and that purchase never appeared, as though it never happened. So I suspected there might be a problem, and I brought in my debit card along with me.

Fortunately, Mom and Dad gave me a small amount of money – they actually linked a bank account in a way that lets them give me a direct deposit. They are just giving me a couple hundred dollars once in a while to help out, and I didn’t even ask them for it. One reason why I’m camping is so that I don’t have to keep asking people to help me pay thousands of dollars in rent every time I get sick and lose a job, but they’re giving me money anyway, in spite of all the thousands I have already taken from them in the past.

People have trouble understanding chemical sensitivity and chronic fatigue. Tiny, tiny amounts of pesticide will get on my clothing, belongings, bedsheets, the floor of the bathtub, and so on. This lingers for months. I will be dead exhausted and unable to get out of bed for months because of this, until I do something which requires a huge effort (while sick), such as changing the sheets. I know changing the sheets seems like no big deal, but when you are deathly ill with chronic fatigue, changing the sheets is a huge pain. I actually had a job, briefly, as a housekeeper at a hotel, and I quit it after one day, because I was in agony from changing dozens of bedsheets at high speed. It is painful, exhausting work.

Other people’s irrational phobia of bugs has ruined my life. People spray pesticides because of harmless houseflies and other harmless bugs that are a mere nuisance. They don’t carry diseases and they don’t bite and they aren’t poisonous, but other people feel that these bugs are THE END OF THE WORLD and they must be completely destroyed USING ANY MEANS NECESSARY NO MATTER WHAT THE COST. So they spray horrifying deadly poisons indoors and outdoors and everywhere to get rid of them, and instantly my life is ruined and my jobs are lost because I can’t get out of bed and go to work.

I don’t want to talk about the idea that bugs are eating the wood in the house, because maybe that’s true and I don’t know, but I personally feel that my quality of life is more important than protecting the wood of the house. Let the house get eaten by bugs, if it must. Build houses out of stone instead of wood. Do some alternative thing to prevent the house from being eaten by bugs, but don’t use pesticide. Use any alternative necessary to avoid using pesticide.

Anyway, so in spite of my recurring and long-lasting failures at life and demands for money, my parents still spontaneously gave me a couple hundred bucks without my asking for it. That is the only reason why I was able to pay for my groceries tonight.

So, here is what happened.

I went insane at the grocery store.

I have gone months now eating utter garbage. I need healthy organic vegetables and greens and variety in general, anything new and unfamiliar and uncommon, not the same exact foods over and over again. Variety is extremely important. Hunter-gatherers have variety, but settled agriculture communities have much less variety. Some of the variety is undesirable: there are millions of foods that are edible and they won’t kill you, but they are very unpalatable and unpleasant for some reason, undesirable, or slightly toxic or medicinal, but not enough to cause instant death, or they have a bad texture that’s hard to chew or they’re hard to open up and pull apart, or whatever. Inconvenient foods.

But even so, we still have tons of varieties of foods that are desirable, delicious, interesting, nutritious, convenient, but just foreign or less familiar. I can’t get those things at Burger King.

So I went crazy. I bought a whole bunch of dried foods, like my favorite organic unsulfured dried apricots, the brown ones. I bought a few dried meats. I bought a couple perishable items that I have to eat soon. Since it’s cold overnight, they will at least survive until tomorrow. I’m going to experiment with keeping kimchi for a couple days at the tent. Kimchi is a fermented cabbage. It might last longer if I bury it in a small hole in the ground. It will continue to ferment, and it will taste too sour and unpleasant when it’s fermenting too much, and that will be a couple days, or longer, depending on how cold it is. I also bought green grapes, which was silly of me, because they will freeze and explode and turn into a pool of mush when the temperature goes too low in my tent. But I wanted them so badly. I am desperate for good food.

I brought this huge heavy basket on my arm, and, oh, by the way, they have the Danisa butter cookies in the beautiful round tin – I kept a dozen of those tins and eventually threw them away. They have a painting of people wearing brightly colored traditional clothing, not this horrible tasteless colorless American clothing, outdoors sledding or dancing and singing in the grass and running with dogs. A wonderful image.

I carried this heavy basket all over the store and it was so heavy that I didn’t even pick up one of those tins of cookies. By that time, I could hardly add anything else to the basket without it falling all over the place. So I skipped the cookies today, but might get them another time. They are seasonal, only at Thanksgiving and Christmas.

So… I got to the self checkout. I was going to do all this by myself. I was going to buy some of it with the food stamps, some of it with the EBT cash, and the rest of it with my own debit card. I had $22 in cash on the card. My balance still said $17 remained for food, which was weird, and it didn’t show the transaction at McClanahan’s a week or two ago. So I suspected something might be wrong.

Well, it rejected my attempt to buy slightly less than $17 on the food stamps. Okay, I thought, maybe that transaction just somehow got processed but didn’t show up when I looked at it online. But I had to cancel the whole thing and have a cashier help me – I couldn’t cancel it at the self checkout.

Meanwhile, as I’m doing the ‘Please Wait For Assistance,’ the little recorded voice is saying over and over again, and my red light is blinking, and nobody is coming, and I’m standing there in a funny awkward position, embarrassed, and then, there is this gorgeous guy who looks like a combination of some kind of Asian, and somehow also like Agustin from Guatemala. He looked exactly like Agustin, but was Asian. He had pale skin, not brown skin like Agustin, but something about his eyes and his cheekbones was exactly the same as Agustin, except with more of an eyelid fold than Agustin. I was staring at this guy as he went into the self checkout, and he finished and was leaving, and he turned and looked at me and I looked in his eyes and was just staring right at him, and he actually turned around and came back to the self checkout as though he had forgotten something, and I stood there still waiting, very embarrassed, as the recording said ‘Please Wait For Assistance. Please Wait For Assistance.’ The gorgeous guy turned around and left again. Sigh…. ‘Excuse me, but you look exactly like a guy that I fucked a couple months ago. Could you possibly…???’

Finally, someone came over to help me. So I went to the regular checkout lane and tried to use the cash instead of the food stamps. Ehhhh – nope, it wouldn’t let me use that either. What the fuck? Okay, so she had me try to use the food stamps again. Nope, it didn’t do that. It just said ‘not approved.’ It didn’t even say there was insufficient funds. Just not approved. By now I was flustered, frustrated, embarrassed, and irritated, and I was one of those customers who is taking an extremely long time and holding up the line. She opened that register just for me, but another customer lined up behind me, even though that register was only open
temporarily and only for me. So she would probably have to take a whole line of people there because of me. I was THAT CUSTOMER who stands there for fifteen minutes having some kind of technical difficulty whenever they try to pay for something.

Finally, I paid for it all with my debit card. It was over $100. It was like $117 or something, from a basket small enough to carry on my arm. Just a full basket, not a grocery cart. Organic dried fruits are often like $8 a bag, so everything in that basket cost a huge amount of money per item.

Some people complain when they see food stamps users buying lobster. They complain if someone buys organic. Well, I am of the opposite opinion. Those are healthy foods. Food stamps should ONLY be allowed to buy nutrient dense foods like lobster and organic fruits, and should NOT be used for buying bread or canned foods. That would be an awesome version of the food stamps. Organic food stamps.

I also need Hot Food Stamps, which are like gift cards at local restaurants. That would help homeless people who don’t have refrigerators.

Oh! The pumpkin! Somebody put a tiny, cute little pumpkin next to the entrance of my path to the tent. I think it must be that lady! I love pumpkins but would never buy one just for myself. I don’t usually decorate anything for fun, but yet, pumpkins are the perfect decoration. It’s a natural object, and it’s my favorite color, orange. If I have to have decorations, then natural objects are the way to go. I LOVE semiprecious stones, too, such as agates. Natural flowers, natural pumpkins, natural wood and stones – if I was very wealthy and could afford to buy stuff I’d get that kind of thing. This little tiny pumpkin was a nice little gesture. I don’t know whether I should leave it there or take it up to the tent. For now, I perched it on a log, but I’m afraid someone else will take it or do something with it. I might take it to the tent.

Anyway. So I bought it all with the money my parents just happened to give me spontaneously today, by coincidence. I don’t know if they are going to give me money once a month as a routine, or if somebody mind-controlled them and gave them the sudden urge to do it now. I don’t know.

Just a few small bags of groceries, just one hand-hand basket in the store, was like $117 or something like that. Organic foods and special foods.

I know I can get canned soup. But even that is getting more expensive. I could get dry rice and dry beans. But they need a lot of cooking.

I want to get the $30 propane grill that I saw at McClanahan’s. I can’t light a fire where I am, because the smoke will draw attention to my location, and fires aren’t allowed, but a propane stove won’t smoke like that, hopefully. With my luck maybe it would. I don’t know.

Anyway… okay, I’m sitting here at the laundromat eating my food. I will keep it cold overnight, but the temperatures are unpredictable and it can cause problems if they go below freezing, for certain items. I only got a few things that were perishable. Most of it was dried stuff. I have my salad bar salad which I’m eating now, a small container of lobster bisque from the Panera brand, a Brown Cow whole milk yogurt, and a bag of grapes. The kimchi is semi-perishable. I seriously will try burying it in a hole in the ground so it stays cool in the daytime. You can tell it’s going bad when it gets so sour you can’t stand to eat it anymore. I just won’t be able to keep it around forever. This is an experiment – I will see how long kimchi lasts without a refrigerator, in the cool autumn temperatures, if I keep it in a hole in the ground so it’s less affected by the warmth of the daytime. Nights are cold enough to be perfect, like I’m sleeping in a refrigerator, almost exactly at 40 degrees. Right now, at least.

I do have to go talk to the food stamps people anyway.

I wonder, do they not believe that I am really camping? Do they think I’m lying about where I live? I’M NOT LYING. I am camping in a fucking tent with a huge pile of blankets and sleeping bags and insulation.

Beliefs and misfortunes intertwined

November 21, 2016

2:01 PM 11/21/2016

It’s hard for me to talk about this, and I was planning on playing my video game for a little bit, but I will try to scratch the surface of a painful subject: ‘needing help.’

Yes, I do need help. But it has to be exactly the right kind of help, otherwise it causes harm. For instance, my mom gave me a whole bunch of her old clothes the last time I visited her. I didn’t need them at that moment. She knew I always needed clothes because I was always decontaminating, and if I recall, I think I went there for that visit wearing only the clothes on my back, leaving all my clothes at home, knowing I could borrow Mom’s while I was there (although now that I am wearing size 14 pants, albeit with a belt, but still, Mom’s clothes will be hard to wear). She gave me a bunch of clothes, and I’m getting rid of them right now. They are a burden that I don’t need.

People could donate a bunch of…. pasta and bread! That’s what I got the last time I was getting food from churches and donations a year or two ago. The pasta and bread all had toxic mineral iron added to them, which made me severely constipated. I am ABSOLUTELY NEVER constipated, because I know which foods to avoid – iron, and sometimes, tea – those are the main things that make me constipated, and also white cheddar cheese. All I do is avoid those foods, and I never get constipated, but I was hopelessly constipated thanks to these nice, kind people donating tons and tons of the surplus, subsidized, unhealthy, poison-infused waste food from our society. We don’t need any more additional bread or grain for charity, and if we do get it, it mustn’t have any added iron. The amount of bread and pasta donated was UNBELIEVABLE because it’s cheap, and it’s cheap because it’s subsidized.

What I need: dried foods. Not canned. Canned is overcooked and it is also filled with substances absorbed from the can, and also it usually has additives. I want dried vegetables, and dried meats. I could keep those at room temperature. They’re pretty expensive but I can get them online and had been planning to do so until the recent crisis. I can get organic dried vegetables. Finding good dried meats is a challenge but it’s possible. NOT GRAINS. I can get a hundred thousand fucktons of grain at extremely cheap prices anywhere I want to. I DO NOT NEED HELP WITH GRAINS. I can also get extremely cheap dried beans. Don’t donate dried beans. I am not so poor that I cannot even afford to buy myself a bag of dried beans at the grocery store on my own, or canned beans. I wouldn’t ever buy those anyway, except very rarely, perhaps on a whim. Dried beans might be okay but they require days and days of cooking in a huge cauldron which I don’t have right now.

So anyway.

I have a mixture of misfortunes and beliefs, intertwined with each other. I am not living in a tent merely because I don’t believe in land ownership, although that belief is a factor in my decision. One of the reasons why I don’t believe in land ownership anymore is because I have seen what happens to the primitive tribes that were living for free on the land and then forced to merge with the modern invading society – they become extremely ill and deformed and become plagued with modern diseases. Living on the land for free is clearly much healthier, and their communities are usually much healthier too. (Note, I do not support every single primitive practice that exists merely because it is primitive and traditional. I don’t support circumcision, for instance, or human sacrifice, both of which are traditional. I pick and choose which primitive traditions I support.)

Another reason why I don’t believe in land ownership anymore is because I can see that struggling to pay these extremely high rents and mortgages is at the root of most people’s problems, including my own. We unfairly must compete against organizations that have eternal life and can own land forever (banks, universities, etc), and we have to buy at prices which are set by those behemoths.

I also don’t believe in the hours of the work week. I don’t believe that people should be obligated to always, constantly ‘do something productive,’ which means, every single second of their free time must be assigned to them by somebody else who knows better than they do how they should spend their time and how they should be productive. They always decide that you should spend five days a week from 8 to 5 at your job, and have Saturday (if you’re lucky) and Sunday off. Why that particular number? Why must it be five days, not four? Why not three or two days a week? Why must your time be dominated by work, and your personal time must be a very small slice of time, the tiny crumbs left over, to spend on your own interests, activities, with family, etc?

But my own misfortunes are another reason why I’m in the tent. I have had frequent, recurring job losses over the years due to health problems such as severe fatigue triggered by pesticides, which then contaminate me and my bedsheets for months. In a house, it’s even harder to get rid of any kind of contamination, which is yet another reason why I don’t want to live in a house. Can you promise that I’ll be moved into a house where they never spray a single pesticide? I had problems when my previous landlord was spraying pesticides in my kitchen and bathroom a couple times a year – I would collapse with disabling fatigue for months, and lose my jobs again. In a tent, it’s not as disastrous if I lose my job – there’s no rent to pay. In a tent, nobody is spraying anything with pesticides around me (depending on where I choose to put my tent!).

Why can’t I just magically go to school and magically get a good job, if I’m so smart and I have a high IQ? There are several reasons. First, I don’t necessarily want to stay in this town for four more years to finish school here. I might want to go elsewhere. Second, my health problems, mind control attacks, fatigue, and exhaustion from working at two jobs (which I would have to do to pay for school) would cause my schoolwork to deteriorate. Can anyone promise that I will be free of all obligations while I focus on nothing but school? That would be helpful. Don’t merely command me to go back to school like that one guy did a couple years ago, as a way of ‘helping’ me.

I no longer really believe in school, either. You go hundreds of thousands in debt, but does the school really have anything you can’t find in a book by yourself? Sometimes, yes – the teacher can be very knowledgeable. Do they have infrastructure such as machines where you practice a skill? Or do you just sit there passively listening to a drone at the front of the room? Why do I have to pay $100,000 for that when I can read a book? Why does your curriculum teach me things that supposedly I need to know, but will never actually use on the job? Why do I have to pay for that?

I can go to a community college or vo-tech school, and I have seriously considered that, but even they cost thousands of dollars and require commitment and focus. I can’t even afford to pay a couple hundred dollars for anything at the moment, and right now, I’m not willing to get a second job or ask for more hours, because I want my free time – I have things I’ve needed to do for years (throw away my garbage).

And I’ve sincerely gotten fascinated with the idea of working with primitive building materials, but haven’t had enough free time to do it, and now, I might be getting ready to go to Washington to be with Jesse, although I don’t know what’s happening yet. I’m at least trying to prepare to leave, getting rid of stuff to make it easier to move. That is the least I can do. But I have wanted to work with sticks and stones and mud and leaves ever since I was a young child. If I am drawn to this interest, and I seriously want to build a house of sticks and mud, that’s not something I’ll be learning at school (although they have primitive skills schools, which look very enjoyable!).

I do intend to go back to school and get myself officially recognized, that piece of paper that says I did what they told me to do for a particular number of years.

But can anyone understand this, anyone who sees me as merely ‘homeless’ because I am living in a tent? I actually have better blankets than most people in houses. If they lose the electricity, they will be freezing, while I will be in a sleeping bag that’s eighty degrees Fahrenheit, because I’m already prepared to freeze. They will dig through all the blankets in every closet in the entire house, in the basement and in the attic, and they won’t find any blankets as good as the ones I have in my tent. (Note, I just have some crappy sleeping bags from Wal-Mart, and some very old sleeping bags with broken zippers from the 1970s being used as blankets. But in my experience, the blankets on people’s beds are hopelessly inadequate for real cold, and I freeze when I sleep at other people’s houses or in hotels unless I crank the heat all the way up to maximum. In my tent, there’s no need to crank up the heat. I can even sleep naked if it’s not too horribly cold.)

The people who want to ‘help’ me – will you do the work of carrying all my bags of belongings back and forth up the long, long, long path and up the hills? It’s exhausting. That would help. Do me the favor of putting it into your car so that I don’t have to rent a car. If you want to force me to move into a house, force me to work two jobs so that I can pay my ‘reduced’ rent, force me to inhale and touch pesticides in that house so that I fall apart and lose both jobs and have zero income at all but can’t get recognized as having a real disability because chronic fatigue and chemical sensitivity are ‘imaginary’ illnesses that aren’t listed in the illnesses covered by disability – OOPS! I have imaginary illnesses too! – force me to spend time and energy moving all my belongings away from the place where they are now, force me to spend money borrowing a vehicle to move them to this nice, charitable, donated, reduced-rent apartment which isn’t even free – sure, that’s helpful!

So anyway. I do have some misfortunes: Weston Price deformities, chemical sensitivity, chronic fatigue usually triggered by pesticides but otherwise manageable if I keep away from them, and electronic harassment and electromagnetic sensitivity – it’s possible to shield against the non-directed electromagnetic background noise, making it easier to think, but it’s harder to shield against the attacks, although I’m not being attacked anywhere near as badly as some of the people I read about on the internet. I think I’m mostly affected by just the background noise. *Mostly*. So, none of my misfortunes are officially recognized by society as real misfortunes. I forgot to mention the herbal drug residue disaster. That doesn’t even exist ON THE INTERNET, anywhere but here on this blog. If something can’t even be found anywhere ON THE INTERNET, it MUST be really obscure and esoteric. My misfortunes are not recgonized as real by any official government agencies, so I cannot get help for them. I can only get disability if I agree to go buy prescription drugs because I am ‘mentally ill.’ But, based on my experiences, I don’t even want to TOUCH THE BOTTLE THAT THE PILLS COME IN, because of contamination. So I can’t even PRETEND to go buy pills and pretend I’m using them without really using them. I don’t want them anywhere in my house.

And my misfortunes are part of the reasons why I believe the things I believe, as a generalization. If I am unlucky enough to have ‘imaginary problems’ that aren’t supported by society, then surely millions of others must be suffering from other imaginary problems I haven’t even dreamed of, and can’t get help. But paying rent is their biggest expense. Food would cost less if the farmers paid no rent or mortgage or taxes on their land. Everything everywhere would cost much, much less if nobody paid for the land. All of this charity would be so much easier to give if it all cost so much less.

There are many reasons why I’ve decided to question land ownership, although I don’t know of any other system that would work better, because we are constantly invaded by an external government that we do not recognize as legitimate, these thugs who forcibly steal everything from us. It is impossible to just live on the land without being invaded by people, unless you go to isolated locations. I am not in a very isolated location right now.

How could I explain all of this to a court? They are not there for the purpose of listening to all of my reasons, my thoughts, my personal experiences, my observations, my knowledge. They are there only to say, ‘Did you break an existing law? Yes. You are hereby sentenced to XYZ.’ Not a single person in that courtroom will care about the reasons why I’m doing what I’m doing.

Anyway… maybe I should play my video game for a little while….

I’m sitting here freezing at the laundromat; got a little bit of garbage sorting done, thankfully

November 21, 2016

What the blasted heck? I’m having technical difficulties. Ignore all the little pointy things along the left side.

On 11/19/16, Nicole Binns wrote:
> 4:06 PM 11/19/2016
>
> I should have brought my heating pad with me. I’ve been sitting here > at the laundromat a long time and I’m still cold.
>
> I’m de-stressing. I did some work earlier today. I am having fatigue > with a somewhat slow heartbeat, which indicates that something is > contaminated with a substance, like the blankets or my clothes, and I > don’t know what because it could be several different things. But I > was able to get up and work on the other tent. I didn’t get a huge > amount of sorting done today, but just a little. Mostly I struggled > with putting the tarps back on over the tent, because the wind blew > them off. The wind is blowing harder because the leaves are gone from > the trees and bushes. They usually block the wind somewhat. I have > it all tied down better now.
>
> I just had to leave for a while and go play Terraria or read the > internet or eat something. I will try to play Terraria a bit, but I’m > not feeling super energetic. I wish I could drink coffee. It would > be so comforting. I’m still staying off it. I don’t drink hot > chocolate or hot tea either. I could potentially drink one of the > South American corn-based drinks that I learned about when I was > researching Guatemala. We should have those corn drinks here. They > would be popular.
>
> I do have some trash bags that need to go to the dumpster. I’m using > a different dumpster than the one I used before, because that one was > not used very often so it was really obvious that my bags were in > there, and somebody actually got them out and cut one open to see what > was inside it, so they could potentially try to contact me and charge > me with a fine or something for putting trash in their dumpster. Now > I’m using one which is a lot farther away and up a long hill, but it’s > by an apartment building with hundreds of apartments, so it won’t be > obvious that somebody is putting trash in there because hundreds of > other people are also putting trash in there.
>
> I need that heating pad. It was a mistake to come here without it…. >

Jacob’s box, the lady at the tent, sorting stuff, the townspeople, food addiction

November 21, 2016

I don’t know why that previous blog there was saved as a draft instead of being sent. I don’t know what happened, so I sent it now, a day late.

The townspeople who I feel that I like tend to often be ISFP types from the Alpha quadra. They are more often long haired men. I just saw a guy at Burger King who had long hair and a beard, and from the way he was talking, he was an ISFP. The ‘real’ townspeople, as opposed to the Penn State students, are usually older, middle aged maybe, and less model-looking.

Random thoughts. I think that wheat and dairy are an addiction, not an actual hunger. I have experience with totally quitting all dairy products, sometime in the past, many years ago, and I go into withdrawal from them. Dairy contains opioid proteins. I think wheat is similar, but I don’t know what component of wheat is addictive, whether it’s a protein or an unnatural chemical added to them. Corn is addictive to me only if it’s factory farm corn. Organic corn isn’t addictive to me. Factory farm corn probably has neonicotinoids or whatever those chemicals are on it. I believe they are addictive – they contain nicotine. They claim they’re using it merely as a pesticide, but the real effect is to make people addicted to the nicotine added to their food.

I think a large part of my hunger is merely these addictions, and if I weren’t addicted to these foods, I would not be hungry. I always remember something I read in a book – what was that guy’s name? The guy who wrote ‘The World Until Yesterday.’ Jared Diamond. One of the people in the tribes was surprised when the white people insisted on having three or more meals every day. They were surprised at eating even once a day. They did not have hunger every day, because they were not addicted to the modern malnourishing foods. They ate real foods, like organ meats, oftentimes raw (if it’s the Inuit, and probably other grups). Those foods are healthy enough that you can probably go several days without eating after you eat them, just like most carnivorous animals do. Carnivorous animals do not eat every day.

This morning I heard a lady calling for her dog, and she came up the hill to my tent. The dog was eating a piece of food garbage I had thrown on the ground. I opened my tent door and talked to her. ‘Do you need any help?’ she said, all concerned. I don’t know if she went and called the police like that one guy did last December when I was there. I don’t know what will come of it.

The answer to that question, ‘Do you need any help?’…. I answered, ‘No, I’ve been doing this for a while now,’ to try to imply that I knew what I was doing. But the real answer is, I need so much help that this entire planet cannot provide it for me. And this society has no concept of the type of help that I need. Their concept of helping someone is entirely different from my concept of helping someone. The ‘help’ that they provide for me means forcing me to do hours and hours of paperwork, only to be rejected for some
technicality. That’s help.

Help me? Do you want to provide me with a few acres of land for me to live on, for free, where I can make changes to the land, such as building a permanent home out of local materials, sticks, and mud? That’s help. Free land is real help. Free land where I won’t be kicked off and I don’t have to pay taxes or a mortgage. That’s help. Do you have that in your back pocket, lady?

What? I have to explain my beliefs? I have to explain that I believe land ownership is wrong, mortgages are wrong, rent is wrong, taxes are wrong, people should live on the land for free? That’s insane. That doesn’t fit the ‘needy-person-needing-help’ paradigm in their brains. You mean, it isn’t helpful to give me a list of local agencies that I already know all about and am choosing not to go to, for my own reasons? What? I already know about those? But how could I possibly be camping if I already know that we have a homeless shelter and a dozen different churches and charities in town? Merely TELLING ME THEY EXIST is all that needs to be done to help me! I must be simply ignorant of them. I’m 42 years old, but I lived my whole life never hearing about the fact that the government provides food stamps for people.

This lady, at least, did not shove a bunch of charities down my throat right away. The police officers last year did give me a list of helpful services. It would be wrong to walk away from such a situation without providing a list of helpful services and all the numbers I must call. Do you know how much I hate making phone calls? I passionately hate making phone calls to agencies with every fiber of my body and soul. I passionately hate talking to the people who work at those agencies (with a few exceptions – one lady at the food stamps office seems like a nice person).

Do you want to fill out the paperwork for me? That’s real help. Do you want to drive your car back and forth to their office every time they demand some new piece of paper that I didn’t provide? Do you want to invent those pieces of paper by forgery so that I don’t have to bother hunting for them in my giant stacks of paper (which I am currently sorting through and throwing away)? That’s help. Do my paperwork, provide forged documentation so I don’t have to bother, and run back and forth to their office on my behalf because I don’t have a car and I have to take a bus. If you want some agency to help me, then do all the paperwork and all the communications with them for me. Helpful!

Tell them lies so that I can get more money from them, because, in my experience, telling the truth gets me very little. I’m getting $16 a month in food stamps right now, because I’m right at the very edge of the limit of people who are eligible – I only showed them my first month at Maki Yaki, when I was working a lot more hours, and, oops, because of my misfortune of living in a tent, I have no rent to pay, so I have no expenses (except tracfone cards). So they think I’m rolling in dough right now.

I buy all my food hot at restaurants because I have no fridge, but alas, food stamps are only for cold food, not hot food. I also have no stove. So I can’t cook or store any cold food at home. Hot food is much more expensive than buying food and making it from scratch at home. It’s also very unhealthy and I can’t get anything organic or grassfed, but beggars can’t be choosers! Burger King, every meal, every day! (almost), because it’s within walking distance. Do you have any government agencies that will pay me to eat at Burger King every day?

Oh – you want to get me to a house? Is it free? What, you can get me a ‘reduced rent’ apartment, based on my income? You mean, this ‘reduced’ rent is $500 or $600? (actually, I once was someplace whose reduced rent was $400, the same exact price I paid at another normal, non-charity apartment elsewhere). How is that doing me a favor? I now have to work at two jobs so that I can pay for this nice new reduced-rent apartment that you gave me, as a nice favor.

Oh – I’m supposed to go back to school and get a better job? … Don’t even get me started. Do you want to do all my schoolwork for me while I’m working at my two jobs to pay the reduced rent on this nice little apartment you gave to me so helpfully? And to pay the tuition for the school, unless I can get all kinds of grants and scholarships and stuff. The scholarship for homeless people – I’m eligible!

I’m ranting…..

I wrote a couple more random topics down I was going to mention. My old best friend, Rachael, who was my socionic dual – I believe that I was much more loving and benevolent towards the whole world, back when I had a best friend. Because I don’t have any best friends now, that makes me hate the whole world a lot more than I used to. I believe Rachael is probably the reason why I loved humanity more than I do now. If you have just one human being who is an outlet, then the injuries inflicted by the rest of the world don’t hurt as badly.

Jacob – sleeping in a little box surrounded by sleeping bags. I took a cardboard box, like I used to do last year when it got cold, and when I leave to go someplace, I wrap the entire cardboard box with all my sleeping bags and blankets. Then I put a little soft blanket in the bottom of it. It’s a sideways box, like a little cave. Jacob crawls inside it and sleeps warm as though he’s in the sleeping bag. That’s where he is right now. I piled some other blankets around the outside of it to prevent wind from blowing on him too much. The tent is still open at the front for him to get out. I am not leaving it unzipped, but rather, there is a little slit that I cut open, because the design of the door is such that I can’t really open it for him and leave a little slit unzipped – the door only goes vertically. The door on my other tent was round enough that it had a lower area that could be unzipped a little for him to go through. So he can still go to the bathroom.

During the night when I’m there, he crawls into the sleeping bag with me and sleeps by my side, adding to my heat, like a little hot water bottle. I am very comfortable. As I showed yesterday, I took the temperature in the tent first – 40 degrees – and then put the thermometer into my sleeping bag for a few minutes to show how warm it was inside the bags – 80 degrees, just from my body heat and being very well insulated under a whole bunch of layers.

Oh yeah, why am I not at work? I was planning to go to work today. She told me to come in on Monday. But they’ve been so extremely slow, as all the students are away for Thanksgiving, so they don’t need me. That’s why I’m not at work. I got up this morning, got dressed, made Jacob’s box, and was all ready to leave, and then I looked down at my phone and saw I had a text message saying I didn’t need to come in. So instead, I went to the other tent and sorted through things and made a few more bags of garbage. Something got done. SLOWLY, gradually, I am getting it done, and then spending hours de-stressing, as I’m doing now.

The wind just won’t stop howling. If only the wind stopped blowing, it wouldn’t feel so cold outside. It really is not that cold.

The reason I am thinking about things like food addiction is, I am not going to have any money next week, because I haven’t worked any hours. I also won’t have any food stamps. I have been saving a few dollars each week and hiding them at home so I can’t use them. My credit card is maxed out and I’m trying to pay a tiny bit of it every week with every paycheck. I can spend the money I saved at home – but all for what? I was trying to save money for some more important purpose than merely feeding myself during a week when I had no paycheck. The tiny bit of money I saved will be gone in an instant if I use it to buy food. I cannot save it for something more ambitious, such as a ticket to go visit Jesse.

I won’t be able to fly in a plane, because I still have more belongings than they will want me to take as baggage. And they’re not in suitcases. They want official suitcases, which are expensive – not garbage bags with soft items in them or oddly shaped items. I would also have to be anally probed with the same glove that was used for anal fisting the previous victim, because I am a terrorist who deserves to get AIDS.

However, I think trains might be more conceivable. But they will be expensive, and I have barely a couple hundred bucks saved – less than $300 (I don’t know exactly how much). It will be hard for me to figure out a way to derail the train from the tracks and drive it into a city full of people with my homemade nuclear dirty bomb, but surely there must be a way if I think really hard about it. I can get past these anti-terror measures somehow. I will have to make sure I get Jacob off the train before I derail it and nuke it, though, because he has nothing to do with this and he’s innocent.

I would love to ride a train. It’s perfect. It’s passive so I can look out the window and daydream, or write, or play a video game, unlike driving a car where I have to be fully awake the whole time. I can look at the countryside all the way. However, there is a chance that it will have extremely bad air, like the bus did. I figured out that the bus was making me sick, not because of motion sickness, but because some retarded lunatic designed the bus to have an air intake inside the engine where it pulls carbon monoxide straight from the engine into the cab where all the people are sitting. The entire air inside the bus was deadly poison, and I always had to get off at rest stops and just breathe, but if I sat next to the bus while it was idling, and I would get a whiff of the fumes, I would be sick again. I was so deathly sick and deathly nauseated for all the hours and hours of the bus ride, and I had a splitting headache for hours and hours after I got off the bus, and felt like I had gotten some brain damage. I am TOTALLY NOT KIDDING, the air inside the bus is deadly poison, straight from the engine fumes, because the bus is designed by retarded lunatics.

The same is true for airplanes. That is the reason why people get blood clots in their legs on flights – not from ‘sitting too long in one place,’ which is bullshit – I have spent days and weeks sitting and sleeping due to chronic fatigue and never once did I get a single blood clot in my legs. It’s from the engine’s fumes entering the cabin – that is what causes the blood clots. You cannot even ask why the designers of planes and buses decided to put the air ventilation intake inside the engine in a location full of fumes and carbon monoxide. There is no sane answer in any sane universe of decent, intelligent, competent human beings.

So, I have heard trains can have the same problem, but it’s because the smokestacks are at the front of the train, and the smoke is all falling backwards all down the whole length of the train, depending on what kind of train it is. I don’t know if they all make smoke, or how much.

Anyway…. I’m going to play Terraria a little bit, then decide what I’m going to do. I’m really getting closer and closer towards a ‘deciding point’ with my belongings. They are getting fewer and fewer. I am looking in the tent now and feeling like it’s getting closer and closer to a reasonable number of reasonably sized bags, and I know what’s in most of them now. In the beginning, it was dozens of bags all filled with mysteries, and the mysteries turned out to be years and years of junk paperwork, such as receipts and little notes to myself and pieces of unopened mail. I threw all that away. Now I can look at the bags and actually know what’s inside them. I like the clear garbage bags because that makes it even easier, but most of them are in black bags right now. I can only get the clear bags at Weis. I haven’t seen any other store that sells clear garbage bags. They are the best for storing things where I want to be able to see what’s in the bag.

I’m also getting closer to fulfilling all my achievements in Terraria, although it will take an extremely long time to do all the fishing quests. But all the other achievements are closer to being done. Then Terraria will be just for fooling around, at my own pace, as a way to soothe my anxiety whenever I need to.

I’m sitting here freezing at the laundromat; got a little bit of garbage sorting done, thankfully

November 21, 2016

it was snowing

November 20, 2016

I probably heard someone using it as a snow blower, not a leaf blower. I didn’t realize it was snowing. I hadn’t opened the tent door and looked outside yet at that point. Now I’ve been out and it’s really pretty outside. There is a light layer of snow on the leaves and grass but not on the roads and sidewalks. I’m at Sheetz. I’m going to try to wash my hair today. I’m also googling how sundials work, and yes, they are backwards in the southern hemisphere just like I thought.

20 November, 2016 14:39

November 20, 2016

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20 November, 2016 14:23

November 20, 2016

YES IT WOULD. Fuck im wasting data and these have no titles. 8 am in the southern hemi is on the right where the 4 would be. Shadows come from the left and fall to the right.
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20 November, 2016 14:18

November 20, 2016

Oh wait, noon points south. Never mind, it’s not counterclockwise. But air currents do spin that way.
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20 November, 2016 14:12

November 20, 2016

I shouldnt waste data minutes emailing. I used up the data on my smartphone by watching youtube, just to try it. But i heard a leaf blower and imagined taking a walk and seeing a community full of people outdoors in this icy rain. We would sit at picnic tables under a shelter. We would eat at a fire. I would love the people as i did long ago. And it would be gray and icy and no one would have a tv or a computer. And i could walk a few blocks to the next picnic shelter, where i would meet new people. Im typing on a phone where you push the 7 four times to get an S, for instance, right now… Anyway- i want a sundial and i hate daylight saving time – its pointlessand insane. And i realized, the sundial would have longer shadows in winter at noon, and short at summer noon. Shadows reach infinity at sunset and sunrise. Sundials in the southern hemisphere go counterclockwise because the sun
is north casting its shadows south.So clocks down there should too.We’re being hemisphere prejudiced.
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20 November, 2016 13:23

November 20, 2016

Oops. Temp in tent, wrong photo. 40

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20 November, 2016 13:20

November 20, 2016

I hate this phone. Ok i think i figured this out.

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