Archive for June, 2012

Soon: the end of the drug residue contamination phase, for real.

June 26, 2012

7:51 PM 6/26/2012

I wasn’t feeling well today, and I slept most of the day.

I requested a week off work, which will happen soon, but I don’t know exactly when it’s scheduled. During that week, I will do the last of the cleanup and discarding to decontaminate myself from the old drug residues. After that, I will never have to do any decontaminations of this magnitude again. Any new encounters with drugs will be small and minor things compared to what has been going on for the past few years. A major phase of my life will soon have ended. I will no longer have these long-lasting manic attacks and bizarre behavior and bad judgment and excessive sexuality and other things that resulted from the mania.

I know from past experience that I can’t get major projects done while I’m working. I have to take time off to do them. That is one great thing about working at McDonald’s: I have a lot of control over my schedule. I can ask for a really strange schedule, and get it. I can ask for lots of time off, and get it. They’re very flexible. But I know from previous vacations that I will, in fact, get a lot done. All that I need is time off in order to get things done. My life would move along so much faster if only I didn’t have to work.

After this phase is over, I have a couple more things I need to do to prepare myself for pregnancy, which I have been postponing for… a couple decades.

Pixar’s ‘Brave’ has some similarities to ‘The Little Mermaid.’

June 26, 2012

7:41 PM 6/26/2012

Yesterday I watched the Pixar movie ‘Brave.’ It reminded me of ‘The Little Mermaid’ in several ways.  (Apparently, I’m not the only person who noticed this.  People are googling it and finding my blog with queries like ‘Brave like the little mermaid.’)

1. A main character gets transformed by an evil spell and becomes unable to talk.

2. The spell must be broken before only a couple of days have passed, or it will become permanent.

3. The princess has long, flaming red hair.

4. The princess is rebellious and doesn’t want to conform to the duties of being a princess.

5. The witch uses a bubbling cauldron to produce her spell. (Yes, bubbling cauldrons are commonplace for witches, but still, the scene is reminiscent of Ursula creating Ariel’s spell.)

6. The spell has some kind of ‘trick’ or ‘condition’ that the princess didn’t know about when she asked for it. Actually, Ariel knew she would lose her voice, but still, the witch is trying to trick her and make her fail to achieve her goal of kissing the prince.

7. The princess achieves something and improves her situation in the end – it is a happy ending.

8. A conflict between family members is resolved.

There might be more similarities between these movies, but I can’t remember enough details about it and would have to see it again. If I were deliberately looking for similarities, I could find more of them.

I liked ‘Brave’ well enough, but didn’t find it to be deeply emotionally moving. It was enjoyable enough to watch once, but I probably won’t go see it again. On the other hand, I bought ‘The Little Mermaid’ on VHS and watched it dozens and dozens of times.

I haven’t been blogging, because I’ve been emailing instead.

June 22, 2012

7:07 PM 6/22/2012

There’s a reason why I haven’t been blogging. The very thing that I knew would happen did actually happen. I knew that there would probably be a time when I would get the urge to write dozens or hundreds of emails to Rick (over time, not all at once), which was why I warned him that he would need to filter out and delete emails that I was sending him, because I don’t really have control over this behavior. It’s worst if I’m having a reaction to the drug residues, but it can still happen even whenever I am mostly clean. He claimed that he was in fact deleting my emails as I told him to, but I don’t know what to believe. I don’t have a lot of time to write, since this is my lunch break, so I can’t explain everything.

It started happening because the country of Georgia disappeared from my blog stats at the same time that Rick started going on his summer hikes. He goes hiking pretty much constantly all summer long. When he’s hiking, he still has access to the internet, but he’s using mobile devices instead of a computer. So it might be inconvenient for him to go to my web page.

So I started sending ‘blogs’ directly to him instead of to my blog.

I can rationalize that he’s actually reading my letters, not deleting them, because, after all, he was able to come to this blog every three days or so and look at it, for many months. I’m just assuming the Georgian blog reader was him, but of course I don’t have proof.

Every once in a while, people tell me that they really enjoy reading my blog. I usually view it as crap, so it kind of surprises me when people tell me that they like to read my writing. And so, it’s conceivable that Rick wants to read my writing just because he likes it, but I usually say that he’s only been looking at the blog to see if any new craziness was developing, if I was going to do anything else to him like what I did several months ago while I was having an attack of mania, when I harassed him in emails and his blog and in the forum. I usually try to assume that he’s only looking at my blog for negative reasons, not positive reasons. But still, I always wish that he had positive feelings for me.

Computer hackers are able to do so many things. So I often rationalize that the Georgian blog reader might have been not even a real person, just some trick that the hackers did to make me go crazy and do stupid things that they wanted to force me to do, to force me to write to him, to force me to believe that he cared about me and wanted to know what was going on in my life. On the rare occasions when I do get a response from him, he says something mean and hurtful and condescending and contemptuous to me. (The voices in my head call him ‘Oscar The Grouch.’ I remember when I was young I felt sorry for Oscar, and I thought that he seemed sad and bitter rather than angry, so they’re using that feeling to make me see Rick that way.)

That’s the reason why I haven’t been blogging. I have been sending at least one email every day to Rick, without getting replies. They’re not the type of thing that has any reply, just like a blog. Blogs can be designed to elicit comments from people, or they can be a sort of passive read, like reading a book, where you don’t send a response to the author after every page you read. Either the hackers are deleting my comments, or else I don’t get a lot of comments, and I assume I just don’t get a lot of comments, because people who do get a lot of comments are the people who are deliberately promoting their blog and ‘friending’ other bloggers, which I am not doing at this time. I haven’t made any efforts to make my blog popular, because I am not trying to accomplish any particular goal with it. If I do something with a website and decide to make it popular and well known, it will be something different from this, something more focused and something with a conscious purpose that I am trying to accomplish. This blog, on the other hand, is just something I do merely because I feel like writing. I am not trying very hard to communicate a particular message or teach somebody something or inform or educate or whatever.

My current project is to complete the decontamination from the drug residues. I just asked for a one week vacation, which hasn’t been scheduled yet, but during that time, it will be easier for me to do things like run errands or go shopping, which are hard for me to do while I’m working. It was even hard for me to run errands back when I had a car, and now it’s even harder with a bike.

My next project will be to remove my dental fillings by myself. I will do something, to the best of my ability, like either photograph it or videotape it. I can’t really photograph inside my mouth, but I might be able to use a mirror.

Anyway, I have been very sad for a couple weeks because of the Georgian blog reader being gone. He doesn’t say anything, and I can’t prove that it’s Rick, but it makes me feel like Rick is still connected to me somehow.

I don’t have time to write, since I’m on lunch break. I’ve been doing a couple more things which might be interesting enough to talk about, but I will save them for later. Anyway, that explains why I’m not blogging. I’m directing all the writing at someone else, who might possibly be automatically filtering the emails and deleting them, but I don’t know whether to believe him or not. The uncertainty makes it hard to stop doing it. And he refuses to answer me when I ask him direct questions about it.

Side effects of garlic; nothing going on for the past few days

June 17, 2012

5:00 PM 6/17/2012

I haven’t written anything for a few days, but I am fine. I’m still fighting with the reaction to the stuff in my hair, and I have to try washing it again. I will have to wash it several more times, and hopefully that will get most of it out. I was sort of sick in the past day or two also, and a few other people at work also said that they were sick. One person had a stomach virus.

I myself also had a garlic hangover. I decided to buy these pistachios that were covered in garlic salt, from a brand name called ‘World Table.’ I don’t understand how exactly garlic-seasoned pistachios have anything to do with other cultures or ‘world’ foods, because, as far as I know, garlic-salted pistachios are not a traditional food in any culture in the world except the American culture, where they are produced in a factory, I assume. But somehow, it’s a food from the ‘World.’

I noticed several years ago that garlic is poisonous, even though I love it and like to eat a lot of it, if it happens to be in something, like from a restaurant, or if I buy garlic at the store and make something myself. I once read in a cookbook, ‘Never leave a whole clove of garlic in any dish that you are preparing.’ It didn’t explain why not. I don’t like to not know why I shouldn’t do something. It turns out that if you just swallow a whole clove of garlic, it will make you vomit, or almost vomit, especially if the garlic is raw or almost raw. Garlic has to be well cooked, and it’s best if it’s chopped up small. Even then, even if it doesn’t make you vomit, it causes body pain, fatigue, slow movement, and an overall feeling of misery the next day, as side effects. I imagine this would be really bad if you were using garlic capsules for medicinal purposes. People using those capsules would wonder why they felt worse and worse and worse the more they took of this supposedly nutritious and healthy supplement. But then, there are a lot of nutrient supplements and medical treatments that make people’s condition much worse than it originally was.

I absolutely hate this radio. I’m at McDonald’s and we’re really, really slow right now, and I’m in back booth, the drive-thru window. Someone has the radio turned all the way up in the other room. She likes the radio so loud that it completely drowns out all brain function. There are days when this drives me insane. This is one of those days. I can’t even focus enough to write a blog. I already hear music playing in my head all day long everywhere I go as a result of the electronic attacks. I don’t want to continue deliberately drowning out my brain function with a real radio in addition to having my brain function completely drowned out by the electronic harassment music.

I’ve been in a really bad mood for a couple of days and haven’t had anything good to write about, but I’m still just living my life and nothing in particular is happening.

washing the smoke out of my hair

June 14, 2012

11:54 PM 6/14/2012

Today I washed my hair with shampoo for the first time since I started dreadlocks in January 2009. I got a couple of little travel-sized bottles of baby shampoo, which were almost the same price as the huge gigantic family-sized bottle on the other shelf, but I got those because I knew I wasn’t going to use an entire bottle, and I didn’t want to throw the leftovers away.

I chose to do this for a reason, and it had to be a pretty bad reason, because I’ve been committed to not doing it all this time. I’ve been noticing that every time I get my hair wet, I have long-lasting tobacco symptoms, such as a pounding heart, insomnia, nausea, irritability, and intense mental alertness, and then later on, intense hunger and cravings. This happened because of going to Curtis’s house and sitting in there with all the smoke for hours and hours. I knew it would get in my dreadlocks, but I was sort of in denial about how bad it would be. I went to his house months ago, and it’s still trapped in my hair. I’ve washed it with very hot water a bunch of times, but it still hasn’t come out, and so I decided that I would use shampoo and see if that helped. This goes along with my decontamination in general. I can only do this if I promise that I won’t go and do the same thing again. I have to be committed to avoiding any situations that have tobacco smoke in the future. My hair was wet all day long yesterday after I took a bath in the creek, and I noticed the tobacco symptoms going on all day, and it was even hard to fall asleep last night because of it.

I went to the parking garage to wash my hair in their bathroom. I took baths in their bathroom many times during the winter when it was too cold to go to the creek. The bathroom has to have the type of faucet that you can turn on and keep on, instead of those horrible automatic faucets that shut off after a couple seconds. And it has to have hot water, and it has to be relatively not busy, without anybody standing outside waiting for me, since I’m going to be in there for several minutes. And it’s best if you can get in there when nobody’s watching. I don’t want people to know that I’m bathing in their bathroom, because they probably would not want me to do that. So that particular garage meets most of those criteria. I used both of the little travel bottles and squished it into my hair and through it as much as I could, and I rinsed it out as well as I could. My hair will smell like shampoo for a while, but that’s okay – I’m decontaminating and it’s more important for me to get rid of the tobacco smoke than it is for me to avoid shampoo. Shampoo doesn’t cause a lot of bad symptoms for me. The sulfur chemicals in it can cause central sleep apnea or hypopnea – your breathing slows down or stops while you’re sleeping – but that’s not as bad as the tobacco symptoms. I used to have the hypopnea all the time when I was still using shampoo, if I would go to sleep with my hair wet.

So now I am here in town at Dunkin Donuts using their wifi. I tried to use the wifi at the library, but I can’t get on it from outdoors. I don’t normally come in to Dunkin Donuts, although I have used their wifi a couple times in the past and I remembered that they had it. So I bought a donut and orange juice just to be polite since I’m going to be sitting in here for a little while.

I’m not as scared to ride my bike around town during the nighttime when there are fewer cars. I don’t like to ride on the road amongst the cars, and I prefer to ride on the sidewalk, but you’re not allowed to ride on the sidewalk in the middle part of town. I just don’t feel like I can go as fast as the cars do. I have a mountain bike, and it doesn’t go very fast. I’m thinking that I want a street bike, but I really like having treads on the tires and being able to ride across gravel or grass or mud or other irregular surfaces when I want to. But I’m using my bike mostly to get to work, and it’s my primary form of transportation.

I’m hearing a song that I find offensive. It’s ‘Pumped Up Kicks.’ I heard that song on the radio at work and at other places a lot, but I couldn’t hear the words, because the words are spoken in a way that muffles them deliberately as an effect. I could only hear the chorus, and even then I couldn’t hear exactly what they were saying. I only knew that I liked the tune and the beat of the song and it sounded cheerful and happy. So for a long time, I sort of liked the song, until I finally had a chance to listen closely. I heard something about a gun, and so I decided to google the lyrics. It turns out that this is a song that glorifies a kid who is bringing a gun to school. I can’t believe that they are actually playing this song on the radio. The song is blatantly evil to me. There are people who censor what we get to hear on the radio, and they allowed this song to become popular. That tells me something about the nature of those censors. They don’t mind something that openly glorifies attacking and killing children, but they won’t allow other songs that are much more harmless.

Not only that, but the whole concept of the song is misleading. It implies that children shoot other kids at school merely because those kids are popular or they’re wearing ‘pumped up kicks,’ fancy shoes, or nice clothes in general, the rich kids. That is not the reason why we have had so many school shootings in the past few decades. The reason why we have so many mass murder-suicides in public places like schools is because children and adults and everybody is using antidepressant drugs and other prescription psychiatric drugs that cause people to become homicidal and suicidal. I can’t believe that they are playing a song that glorifies school murders when this is such a problem in recent decades, when so many people have died because of this. It is not merely about an underdog getting revenge on bullies or rich kids or popular kids. It is much worse than that, it is the forced drugging of our entire society, which causes people to go crazy and do horrible things that they never would have done otherwise.

Anyway, I hope that the tobacco residues in my hair get cleaned out. I might have to use the shampoo several more times, and I will just have to avoid going to smoky places in the future.

I can’t concentrate on writing or thinking anything deep when I’m in a noisy public place with loud music playing and bright energy-saving compact fluorescent bulbs that cause my eyes to burn after a while. My vision will be blurry for hours afterwards after I leave this place – I know it from past experience. I hate those bulbs. I hate this government. The government made the incandescent bulbs illegal. And wait till you drop a compact fluorescent bulb on the floor and it breaks and mercury explodes all over your carpet – it will cost thousands, or tens of thousands, of dollars to decontaminate your house. And if you don’t remove the mercury, you will get mercury poisoning and go crazy without knowing why.

Okay, I’ll go ahead and post this.

clean is happy

June 13, 2012

5:38 PM 6/13/2012

I noticed this last fall when I was bathing in the creeks too. When I get clean, I feel happy.

I am not in favor of everybody being spotlessly clean all of the time. I myself just went several weeks without taking a real bath, and only just rubbing a washcloth over myself in the bathroom after I got to work. I don’t dislike the way people smell when they sweat – I actually like it.

But having drug residues all over you is a totally different thing. It is not just normal dirtiness. It is not just Americans being obsessed with cleanliness. (I’ve read, and heard, that people in foreign countries don’t take it for granted that you have to shower every single day and wash your hair every single day the way we do here.) This is something that affects the way you feel. The particular drugs that were on my clothes had come from the car seat, I think. That one had a mixture of several different residues, one of which came from hugging a person who used psychiatric medications. That particular mix, from the car seat, would make me become apathetic and immobilized. I would tend to just stare into space, unable to take action or make decisions. It would make me numb and indifferent to everything.

It also made me gain weight. Every time I had contamination outbreaks from the car seat, I would start to get fatter over a period of several weeks, and would notice that my pants fit differently. As soon as I cleaned up, got new clothes on, and re-covered the car seat, the gained weight would vanish instantly in only a couple days, without my making any effort at all to lose weight. The person who originally used those drugs also gained a lot of weight from them – I met him when he was fat, but I saw a photo of him when he was younger, before he used drugs, and he was very thin. Weight gain is a very visible symptom of drug use, and drugs are the cause of a large part of the ‘obesity epidemic’ in the United States. Drug residues are less well known, but they are one reason why ‘weight gain is contagious.’ Several news articles have said that people who hang around with fat people tend to become fat themselves, and I strongly suspect that drug residue contamination can cause this to happen. I don’t agree that it is merely because people are eating the same foods together.

Anyway, every time I get clean and change out of the contaminated clothes, I feel so much happier. I just feel lighter, more alert, more responsive, more human, more alive. My emotions behave more normally. I am no longer stupid and apathetic. I am no longer numb. I cannot emphasize enough that my feelings and mood and my whole sense of being totally changes, merely from removing some slightly contaminated clothing that has been touching against a car seat that touched against clothing that had been washed after I hugged a person who used psychiatric drugs. You cannot imagine how much the contamination moves around, and you cannot imagine how microscopically tiny a dosage is required to cause you to feel horrible and lousy all the time. I strongly believe that residues are the reason why people have persistent symptoms after quitting a drug, even when an entire decade has passed. I have observed the drugs never decaying, never biodegrading. They just sit there. They do not break down. They may change into a slightly different version of the drug, perhaps an oxidized version, but that oxidized form of the drug still causes symptoms, still has drug effects, still is active.

I really wish that more people could do this experiment with decontamination, but they would need a set of specific instructions, a protocol, a set of steps to follow. Based on my experience, it’s very hard to get completely decontaminated, especially if you are being casual and sloppy about how you do it, and inexperienced, ignorant people who are only just beginning to learn about it would have a tendency to make a lot of mistakes. (‘Oh, I’ll just use the same washcloth and towel that I normally use after I take my shower. It shouldn’t matter. The towels and washcloths are only touching me after I’m clean, so they’re not contaminated.’ Wrong…) You have to follow an extremely strict series of steps.

Well, I have to punch back in to work now,.

I love nature, but not so much when it bites and stings me.

June 13, 2012

3:24 PM 6/13/2012

I’m at work early. I finally took a bath in the creek today. I was postponing it for a while for various reasons, partly because I didn’t have any clean clothes that weren’t contaminated. I put on the new clothes today. I also was afraid of a wasp’s nest that’s next to the place where I bathe. I had discovered that a couple months ago, and it was much worse back then, because the weather was drier, but now that it’s been raining, all of the wasps have been subdued. I was terrified to walk past them when I went to take my bath. There had been actually several nest openings clustered in one small area.

So I took my peppermint wasp spray. That stuff actually works, for real. If peppermint works against wasps, then it’s something that people have probably known about for a very long time. Why was it ever forgotten? Why did we forget that peppermint works just fine against a lot of insects? Why were the chemical companies able to sell us pesticides that were a lot more toxic than peppermint? I’m chemical sensitive, and I don’t have any unpleasant reactions to this spray at all (‘Eco-Smart’ brand wasp spray). I could probably spray it directly on my skin and not have any reactions to it.

The species of wasps that I have encountered the most aren’t the large yellowjackets. They are something much smaller, about the size of honeybees, and about the color of honeybees too, but they are another ground-dwelling, multiple-stinging type of wasp, not like honeybees. I looked online and saw pictures of a bunch of wasp types, and I think I saw them in there, but I forget what they were. That’s the kind that my friend and I got into when I was a teenager, and that’s the kind that built a nest in the hole next to my tent a few months ago. The big giant bright yellow visible yellowjackets are actually not as common in the woods where I am, although I do still see them occasionally, and I was seeing a lot more of them a few months ago when the weather was still dry. On top of the mountain, I see other kinds of wasps that I had never seen before, and I called them ‘Red Jackets.’ They are actually just called red wasps. They’re kind of pretty to look at, but then again, a lot of dangerous, poisonous animals and plants are brightly colored and pretty to look at.

I also sometimes see flies that mimic the wasps. There was this thing flying around, but its flight pattern wasn’t wasp-like, it was fly-like. How do I describe the difference between the flight behavior of a fly and a wasp? But somehow I recognize it from experience. It landed, and I looked closely at it. It was all decorated bright yellow and stripey, but it was definitely not a wasp, it was a fly. I learned in biology class, long ago, in college, in the early 1990s, when we did our insect collections, how to recognize flies versus bees and wasps.

I didn’t have to spray a whole nest today, but I sprayed a couple times briefly, from a false alarm – every moving object, every ‘UFO,’ seems like a wasp about to attack me, when I’m paranoid.

The little minnows nibbled my feet again today in the water. I had forgotten about them. I had affectionately allowed them to bite my feet and my ankles when I was in the water, last autumn when I was still bathing in the creek before it got cold outside. I don’t know what they are getting from biting me. Do they eat the oils, or the flakes of skin, or the salts? They can smell me, and they come flocking over and they crowd around my feet, and they start tickling me. My guppies in the fish tank used to do that if I stuck my hand in the water.

I enjoy walking and riding my bike. I get to see the flowers and the animals and insects. While riding my bike the other day, I saw about a dozen baby rabbits. They were not all together in a group, but instead, there was one after another over a space of maybe fifty feet or so. I also saw a garter snake today, and some kind of little mole or mouse. I’ve been seeing a garter snake here and there occasionally, and sometimes they’re babies, not fully grown snakes.

I also often think that I hear peeper frogs peeping, but it turns out that’s just my bike wheel squeaking. I think I need to get it oiled or something. It seemed like everywhere I went, there were peeper frogs somewhere just in front of me, but I never seemed to pass them or find out where they were.

There is also now a spider somewhere in my handlebars, and I can’t get it out. I started to ride my bike today after unlocking it, and as soon as I started moving, I saw a spider hanging from the left handlebar. It was winding itself up to the handlebar. I cursed, and stopped the bike. I’m scared of spiders, but not horribly, uncontrollably scared, depending on the situation. I just didn’t want to be panicking and brushing a spider off my hand while simultaneously riding a bike downhill at high speed. So I stopped and tried to find it, but it had gone inside a hole after pulling itself up to the handlebar. I had to just leave it there and get on with my bike ride and trust that it wouldn’t crawl out and get on my hand.

Something was biting me last night. I tried, and tried, and tried to find it. I got a couple of itchy welts. I thought it could be a spider, but no matter where I looked, I never found one.

I didn’t get to see so many animals, insects, plants, weather, and nature in general when I was driving my car.

still learning to ride the bus; watched ‘The Dictator’ last night

June 12, 2012

6:01 PM 6/12/2012

I rode the bus today to get to Goodwill. I’m still learning. One of my bus rides wasn’t really necessary – I could have walked from one of the stops to the other stop. But that’s okay, I’m going to make mistakes for a while as I’m learning how the bus system works, where the stops are, how far I can walk, how long it takes to walk, and so on. I got some clean clothes at Goodwill that will replace the contaminated clothes that I have now. I’m going to Wal-Mart to get a few more things.

For some reason I feel optimistic today, even happy. I was walking outside, walking from Goodwill to the library, and I enjoyed looking at everything. I’m always suspicious if I feel happy for no particular reason – I always suspect that I’ve encountered some kind of a drug. But whatever the reason, it’s mild, not something to worry too much about.

But I feel as though I’m going to be able to do the things I need to do. I’m going to be able to continue riding my bike to work every day, and living in the tent, and saving money, and getting rid of the drug residues. There are so many things I have to do, but I feel that I will be able to do them.

I still am not clearheaded enough to know what I will do about the beliefs and feelings and delusions having to do with Rick. I cannot evaluate them as being either realistic or unrealistic. I am still constantly obsessed with him, and I still feel extremely reluctant to try to bond with anybody else but him.

Last night I watched ‘The Dictator.’ I don’t really want to write about it right now, because I’m getting ready to leave – I have to catch another bus. I took it to be a serious movie with a message, not really a comedy, although I did laugh several times. It was an Alpha movie with an ILE/SEI duality between the dictator and his girlfriend. It also featured a woman with hairy armpits, and a sex scene that involved his licking her armpit hair; however, unfortunately, at the end of the movie she says, ‘I’ll shave my armpits for you!’ as though that’s a good thing to do. That doesn’t fit with how he seemed to enjoy licking them during the sex scene – why would she shave them if he obviously liked them? He seemed to be only pretending to insult her and complain about her various ‘imperfections.’ It seemed that he didn’t really mean it.

I liked it at the end of the movie when Aladeen explained what dictatorship was, and it described the current real-life situation in the United States, and he also said that the Constitution he was about to sign was just a way to give oil companies and other companies the privilege of exploiting the resources in his country, which was true. That’s why I view this as not just a comedy, but a movie with a real message.

I watched a couple other movies, and haven’t written about them. I watched ‘Chernobyl Diaries’ and really enjoyed it – it was very scary, and I walked home alone in the dark afterwards. I also never wrote about the movie ‘Wanderlust,’ which I watched a while ago. Wanderlust seemed to be a Delta movie, with the main characters being possibly an LSE/EII duality. I wanted to comment about intentional communities after watching that movie, but never got around to it, and I don’t have time now.

I guess I should get up and try to catch the bus now.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Facebook might acquire Opera????

June 12, 2012

I hate facebook! I want nothing to do with facebook! I love the Opera browser! Well, I used to. I like certain things about it. I like the mouse gestures, when I’m actually using a mouse, which I haven’t been. But I don’t want facebook messing with it. I don’t want them adding on fancy new features that screw everything up.

thinking of windmills; taking down the turkey blind; the Rick delusions

June 11, 2012

1:50 PM 6/11/2012

I’m off work today. I slept in and haven’t had coffee yet. While I was lying in bed I was thinking of windmills. Millions of people could have their own windmills, but they don’t. Why not? They could have just a small one that would supply a tiny amount of electricity. We don’t have to argue about whether or not wind power could be used to supply the entire country. Who cares about the entire country? We only need to know whether it can be useful for individual homes in particular places. That’s always the argument that I hear against windpower. Anytime you mention windpower, you get somebody who says, ‘But that can only supply a tiny percentage of all the power we need, therefore it’s useless and stupid and you shouldn’t even bother with it at all.’ Just because something cannot supply the entire world with all of its needs for the rest of eternity doesn’t mean that it’s useless and stupid and not worth bothering with. Windpower would let individual houses have their own electricity, at least part of it, especially if they were not trying to heat their homes in the winter with it, but instead wanted to use the electrcity for just a few small things once in a while, like, to charge the laptop, or charge the battery on the electric bicycle.

Windmills used to be very common, and they were made of wood. They would grind the grain, or pull water up out of the ground. If everybody used to have them a long time ago, how can people say that they’re useless and not worth bothering with? People will always think of the negative side immediately – it’s true, windmills can’t supply every bit of power that the entire world needs for the rest of eternity, and yes, the society would still need to find other ways to get electricity, but windmills can be used in individual locations and at individual houses in particular areas.

I know that on this mountain, the wind always blows. And when I’m at McDonald’s, the wind always blows right in the drive-thru window. It’s horrible in the wintertime, when I’m working in the drive-thru. The wind just blows straight down this valley in the same direction for hours and hours and hours every single day forever. These hills are all lined up parallel to each other, and the wind goes down them uninterrupted, unblocked. Every single house in this valley ought to have their own personal windmill, but they do not. Our whole society is ignorant. They wouldn’t even have to violate the zoning laws. They wouldn’t have to build a windmill that was a mile high. It would be tiny. It would look like barely more than a weather vane on top of their house. That would be enough to give their house a small amount of electricity. If they’re scared of violating the zoning laws, just don’t make it huge and visible. It could be on the side of the house that you don’t see when you’re driving down the road. It wouldn’t have to stick up very high at all. People don’t understand that you can still benefit by doing something small. Even though it’s not going to be a huge nuclear power plant that can supply the entire country until the end of time, it’s still useful to one individual house. You could have a dozen very small windmills all going at once, instead of one big huge one.

I could conceal a windmill amongst the trees on the mountain. It could be so small that no one would see it. No one would know it was there. I’d climb a tree, using ropes, and set up a little platform high up in a tree, where I would build the windmill. It wouldn’t be made of a shiny, bright, reflective metal, but instead it would be made of a material that was hard to see amongst the trees. It would not stick up high above the level of the trees, but instead would be about the same height they are, but in a slightly clear space between the tops of the trees. I would put it someplace away from my tent, so that if people notice the windmill, and go looking for it, they won’t be finding my camp site and walking around it all the time.

The windmill would have a teeny tiny generator that would charge a battery or two. I would have to design it so that it wouldn’t accidentally catch fire. That would be the greatest risk of doing this, accidentally setting the forest on fire with some kind of electrical or mechanical accident in the windmill.

I’d have to work with some other people who are handy with tools and good at mechanical engineering, because I have no experience with tools or building anything.

There is no reason why this could not be done. It would not have to be hugely expensive. I would have to design it so that it was within my budget, and I would have to have realistic expectations about what it could and could not do.

I’m cleaning out some contaminated items today. They will be taken down to the trash. I have an idea for how I will get rid of my trash more easily. I need to find out which day the trash truck comes to Lemont, and then take my trash bags down and mix them in with other people’s trash and let the trash truck take them in the morning. I don’t have tons of trash normally. I just have to get rid of some bags of contaminated stuff.

Right now, I’m just taking a break after having done some work. Today was one of those days when I was better off working alone and not having to argue with anyone. I am getting rid of the turkey blind because it had a bunch of contaminated bags in it, but I can just hear my mom, for instance, in my mind, fighting against me, not wanting to throw it away because she doesn’t believe the contamination is real. I had to work with her and dad whenever they were helping me move from one apartment to another a couple years ago, and we had to handle all my belongings, and do it quickly, and I was not able to enforce a bunch of rules about what goes where and what touches what, so I just gave up and let it all become a mess. You can’t understand the contamination protocols unless you’ve experienced something like what I experienced. So I was doing this alone, but wishing that somebody somewhere on earth understood it along with me. I only had ‘them,’ in my mind, encouraging me.

For the past couple days I’ve been looking at the Jim Stone website and also David Wilcock’s website. DW believes in Ascension. In a way this is the opposite of a conspiracy theory, but very similar. (First, the socionics disclaimer:  I always doubt my guesses of people’s socionic types and change my mind later on, and I’m not absolutely sure of these typings.)  Both are IEE personality types, which I am learning to recognize more easily. I still sometimes doubt myself and wonder if I’m mistyping an ILE or an SEE. DW is experiencing mind control, but interpreting it as a psychic, spiritual phenomenon, and I’m guessing that he is probably on drugs, based on his writing style.

Both of them wanted to write music, but ended up doing something else, which is true of myself as well. In a world of peace and safety, I would have been a musician. In a world where you don’t have to work so many hours just to pay the rent, that is. No one has any free time, and they all must work at high-paying highly profitable jobs, instead of taking risks and working at jobs that don’t pay anything at all. Everyone has less and less free time.

We aren’t using the forests as firewood anymore. I was reading about charcoal, when I was trying to understand why my fire smoke irritated my throat so much. I wanted to know what charcoal was made of. They sometimes make it out of wood. The wikipedia article said that many forests in the Scandinavian region had been completely cut down many years ago to make charcoal.

I’m thinking of Julian Simon again, about the benefits of technological development. We aren’t burning wood anymore. We went to burning fossil fuels individually, and then we went to getting electricity from a monopoly supplier. Now our technology has advanced enough that we can produce our own electricity individually. We can build small, efficient generators nowadays. Because of these advances, we are no longer polluting as much as we used to, since we don’t need to burn so many fires anymore, and we are also able to grow the forests back again, now that we don’t need their wood for anything.

But in the undeveloped countries, our mining companies destroy the land and the people there. Our metal, minerals, chemicals, and fossil fuels come from there.

We no longer have as many lung diseases, like pleurisy (whatever that was), which is unheard of nowadays, because there is less pollution.

If people didn’t have water lines in their houses, they would not need to heat their houses in the winter. That was what I decided after living in my car all winter long. True, everyone says it was a mild winter for this area. So I didn’t live in my car during a harsh winter. But still, I became convinced that heating the house was unnecessary. You just need to wear thick furs all the time. Houses are only heated because of the water pipes. If we didn’t have to protect those water pipes from freezing, then a huge amount of electricity would just not be needed at all. The water pipes would be someplace else. You would go to the bath house, or something, a separate little section where the water pipes weren’t exposed, they were instead completely insulated and would never freeze, ever. It could be underground. But intead, people would rather waste heat in the entire house just to make sure the water pipes don’t freeze and explode.

And this is the way it’s done, and this is the way it’s always done, and there is no other way, and it will always be done this way.

I’m waiting for the rain. I know it’s going to rain today. The wind is blowing and the sky is gray. I want to go through stuff in my other tent, but I don’t want to do that while it’s raining. I would have to pull everything out of that tent and set it on the ground and then hurriedly put it all back in again when it starts raining.

Mostly, I’m just resting today.

Until I start studying and learning again, I won’t have much to say that has any valuable information content. There are infinity things that I need to study and learn. I’d learn mechanical and electrical engineering, if I could, now that I have a desire to build things. I need to learn the things that are necessary for building electromagnetic shields and detectors. This is one of the reasons why I need my free time so badly. I need to be working at only one job. One minimum wage job isn’t enough to pay the bills if you have to pay the rent and the gas and the car payments and everything else. But one minimum wage job *is* enough to pay the bills when you are living in a tent and riding a bike to work. Someday, somebody might come here and tell me that I’m not allowed to live in a tent as a squatter on Nittany Mountain. I’m aware that this could happen, and I will try my best to prepare for it, which is another reason why I need to organize my belongings, so that they can be easily moved if I have to relocate.

After I have completed the decontamination, after I’ve gotten rid of the contaminated clothes and everything else and gotten new things, then I will be able to think more clearly and more realistically about what to do and how to do it. I can’t be realistic when I’m still on drugs. I still have the ‘everything is possible’ feeling when I’m on the drugs. I need to remember that there are limits on what I can do and how quickly I can do it and how much it costs. I need to remember what is really important to me and what is urgent and what comes first.

7:15 PM 6/11/2012

I’m really, really hungry, after resting all day, and after not having any food except the granola and slim jims and that stuff, and so I’m about to go down the mountain and get some food somewhere.

I was thinking about Rick. I’m still covered in the drug residues from a few pieces of clothing. As long as I am under their influence, I tend to strongly believe several things about Rick. I am describing these things as delusional, because I do not really believe they are true, deep down, but I believe them when I’m influenced by the drugs. I believe:

That he is still single, and not dating anyone; that he is waiting for me; that he would agree to meet me if I went to visit him; that he would agree to have a long-term intimate relationship with me; that he is somehow special and better than other guys, so that I can’t find anyone else like him by looking around locally, but instead I have to go all the way over there to be with him because he is unique; that he has lied about everything and that he means the opposite of everything he says (no means yes); that if he is dating anyone, it’s nothing, it’s not a serious relationship, it’s just something he’s doing to comfort himself while he waits for me to arrive.

It’s very hard for me to do any kind of work at all, for a lot of reasons – my brain isn’t clear, and my energy is very low, and I’m hungry and in coffee withdrawal whenever I’m home from work – so it’s hard for me to quickly get through this project of cleaning up the last of the stuff and then cleaning myself off and putting on new clothing. I have to do that, and then re-evaluate all of those delusional beliefs about Rick. I want to get rid of the delusion, so that no means no, and so that I realize that there is nothing so miraculous about him that I have to go all the way over there to be with him, but instead I can just find somebody else who is just as good as he is.

It wouldn’t be so bad to believe that he was unique and that I couldn’t find anyone else. But the dangerous part of the delusion is my belief that no means yes. I am likely to be emotionally devastated if I go over there to see him, find out that he’s living with some other woman and that they are very happy together, and that he was telling the truth all along and that he has no interest in me whatsoever and never will, and that no meant no.

There is only one thing I can do: I can gradually clean myself up, slowly, to the best of my ability, over the next couple weeks, and replace my clothes and anything else that has the residues that are affecting me, and then decide afterwards what I am going to do. I am so impatient to start making my life decisions. I am so tired of waiting. But I cannot make them until I am clearheaded and drug-free. Everything, my whole perception, my whole attitude, all of the delusional beliefs, will change drastically when I am clean. It will be much harder to convince me that all is well and that I can just assume he wants me to visit him and that no means yes. When I am in these manic moods, I can do no wrong, and it doesn’t matter how stupid it is, whatever I’m doing is a great idea.

I just have to force myself to wait, and wait, and wait just a bit longer, for a few more weeks, while I finish this up.

What action does one take, after learning about evil things happening in the world?

June 10, 2012

4:17 PM 6/10/2012

I’m at work, and we’re extremely slow, so slow that I can type on my computer for a little while and people sort of pretend not to notice that I’m doing it.

I’m reading the Jim Stone website. It makes me wonder about something. What decisions do we make based on these interpretations? I was writing a comment in his forum today and I mentioned something about focusing on things we have control over. We can take action to solve some of our problems. What goals are we trying to accomplish?

There are different approaches. People can try to help themselves individually. They can also try to take actions that are intended to help larger groups of people or help others who are suffering. You can do things to make yourself happy. You can postpone your own happiness to help others.

I’ve thought, for instance, of all the people unjustly trapped in prisons for various reasons, any reasons at all. I could dedicate my life to trying to free those people from prison.

I can imagine burning out. When you fight an endless battle against powerful, wealthy, numerous opponents who never stop attacking, you get tired of it. When is it finally okay to enjoy yourself and do things that you want to do and help yourself become happy? When is it okay to stop answering all the cries for help from everywhere around the world?

I imagine if I myself were unjustly trapped in prison, I would want someone to help me, too. I was put in a mental hospital for a week, and that was enough. Prisoners must feel the same way. I am still in prison, in a way – every moment of my life, I am spied on, controlled, zapped, and prevented from using my mind. Even the people who appear to be free are enslaved, or at least, many of them, perhaps not all of them.

I did get inspired in one way from reading that website: it makes me want to put up my own ‘donate’ button. I’ve been thinking about how to earn an income from advertising – not on this blog, but elsewhere, on a separate site that I have not yet created. I could also earn an income from donations. I imagine that I would write a budget and talk about how the money was being spent or saved. Money could be allocated to various purposes, or allocated to whatever I want.

My stats went up because several people clicked the link on the forum. This reminds me that whenever I do someday create a site that gets money from advertising, I should indeed put links to it in various forums.

I only regret that the people visiting my site cannot find many useful answers here. I would like to someday tell about my successful attempts to remove my own plastic dental fillings, or my successful attempts to go someplace where I am no longer being mind controlled, but I can’t tell those stories yet because they have not yet happened. I am hoping to do those things in the future – I will describe what happens if I go someplace where I can’t hear voices in my head anymore, or any background static in my head.

There are two places that are relatively close by which I would like to go to: the cave on Mt. Nittany, and the satellite dish area around Green Bank, West Virginia, where they have a radio silence zone. I would also like to go hiking in the mountains to see if that helps at all. I mean the real mountains, not just the local Allegheny or Appalachian mountains. I do know that the background noise and the harassment is less severe when I visit my parents in West Virginia, and WV also has slightly less cell phone coverage than other places because of its low population density. I would like to go to other parts of the world where the population density is extremely low, where there are no cell phone towers, and see whether the background noise and the zaps and other attacks stop happening, are reduced, or change in any way at all. This is important information that people need to know. People need to know what they can do to reduce or elimimate the attacks. I’d also like to visit Antarctica, but that’s an expensive trip. I’d be more likely to visit the Arctic first if I do go anywhere special.

I’ll just post this and write again if I think of anything else.

I can’t wait until this cleanup is finally done.

June 9, 2012

2:41 PM 6/9/2012

I was thinking about Jews after reading that site. I concluded that I already agreed with the basic idea, that there are groups of people who explicitly advocate doing evil things, and perhaps the Jews are just one of those groups, but I believe there are many others.

The world is now at constant war with itself. Members of our own species are attacking us in ways that destroy our quality of life. We live in a ‘benevolent dictatorship’ which is a better place to live than some other places on earth. All that we can do is choose which dictatorship to live in, as some are better or worse than others. We still have to do everything in our power to improve our quality of life, and we must control those things that we have control over, and do our best to get away from those things that we do not have control over.

I’m still wondering how I will feel and what I will believe whenever I get clean for a long period of time. Always, I would be clean for only a few days before more residues would get on me. I was unable to stay clean for a long period of time. That was in the apartment and it was when I had the car. Now I will be able to get rid of it, and there will be no more outbreaks unless I 1. touch somebody else who uses drugs, 2. go someplace where people smoke cigarettes, 3. wear the shared coats at work, 4. get a lot of residues on me from some public place, and usually, it’s not that bad in most places, but I have experienced some contact with residues from doctors’ offices, 5. go through my old belongings, which I would be careful about doing, and which would only tend to contaminate my hands, which are relatively easy to protect with gloves and easy to wash off. Those are the main most likely scenarios where I would have more drug outbreaks.

I’m wondering how the Rick infatuation will change whenever I am clean. I have to make major life decisions, decide where I will live, who I will marry, how I will spend my money, how I will earn my money, when I will have my children, how I will raise the children, and so on. I can’t make those decisions while affected by the residues. I absolutely cannot make major, important decisions while in that state, because I am manic and I feel as though ‘everything is possible,’ and I also feel that ‘all is well’ no matter what I’m doing. So I can be doing something that’s really stupid, but feel that it’s okay and nothing is wrong (such as writing an email to Rick’s then-wife).

I’m eager to start thinking about those things and making those decisions, because I have had to postpone them for so long. I want to start doing something useful. I want to start studying and writing and researching. I want to do real, serious writing, instead of just blogging – I want to write websites and articles and books if possible. But I will have to decide what is possible, and what is not, whenever I’m clean, not when I’m manic.

One last incident before I get cleaned up. Actually, it’s not too bad.

June 9, 2012

12:01 PM 6/9/2012

It’s the last couple of weeks before I get rid of the last of my contaminated stuff, and here I am, having another ‘incident.’ I’m calling it my ‘one last fling.’ Apparently, I have to have just one more incident of annoying and inappropriate behavior in an online forum before I get rid of the last of the drug residues forever. It’s very embarrassing.

I don’t know where Rick is at the moment. I haven’t seen him in the stats. I don’t know whether I will still believe what they want me to believe after I’ve gotten rid of the residues. They want me to visit him. Will I still want to do that after I’m clean? Will I still want to spend my hard earned money to go over there and have to turn around and just come back home again after not even getting a chance to talk to him?

This is a particularly bad residue incident, too. I know which clothes it’s coming from. I’m going to replace everything very soon, and it’s going to cost a lot, but now that the car is gone, there won’t be any more outbreaks of contamination.

I’m learning to recognize IEEs more easily now. I think that began when I wrote the ad and two IEEs responded immediately. I am learning that they are more common than I think they are. Then I found another IEE at work, but he doesn’t work at my store, he was just working there temporarily because he can’t get enough hours at his own store in the summer. Suddenly I am able to see IEEs everywhere.

I wrote to a person online and told him about the phenomenon of drug residues, and then I wrote something in the forum on his page, but it was the extremely long verbose writing and the inappropriate forum behavior caused by the last of the drug residues. I made it sound like I’ve gotten the whole problem fixed when I haven’t – I’m being affected by it right now, and it’s the reason why I was writing and behaving in that particular way.

I’m calling it ‘one last fling,’ the last big stupid annoying embarrassing thing that I will do as a result of the drug residues. I couldn’t just end the years and years of drug residue contamination quietly. I had to embarrass myself in public one last time before fixing it and cleaning it up once and for all.

I will have to get rid of a few pieces of clothing and replace them with new clothing, and I would also like to get new sleeping bags. I will throw away a few more items, and I will have to transport them down off the mountain, which won’t be easy. After that, there will hardly ever be any drug residue contamination incidents at all.

What will I want to do after that? I mostly want to know if I will forget about Rick. I want to know if I will stop believing the things that they force me to believe about him.

I have to get ready for work. I know that it’s going to be extremely hot down in the valley today, because my tent is actually almost hot, up here in the woods on the mountain, and this tent is *always* cold and damp and shady, so if it’s hot up here, it has to be baking hot down there.

This morning a deer was walking around in the woods nearby, and I thought it was a bear. It was making so much noise as it walked through the leaves that I thought it could not possibly be a deer. The deer are usually a bit quieter. This sounded large and heavy. I was all terrified, and I opened up my tent flap and looked out, only to see a little deer, an adolescent boy, with small antlers that didn’t have any branches on them yet.

Next Wednesday, I will get a relatively small direct deposit from work. Then the Wednesday after that I will get a ‘normal sized’ deposit, which is still unfortunately small, but I will feel more confident about my income at that time, and perhaps I will start spending money on riding the bus more often instead of always insisting that I must ride my bike. This bike is actually not ideal for riding long distances on the roads. It’s more of a mountain bike, and it goes slowly. I bought the bike too quickly without knowing what I was doing and without knowing what I wanted, but it’s okay, it’s served its purpose. I was able to get rid of the car, and that was all that mattered.

I don’t want to get up, but I do have to leave now. I hope that I can get over the mortification of posting a big long post in a forum and embarrassing myself again, but this behavior will end – this is the last of it – when I get rid of the last of this clothing, there will be no more contaminated items making me go crazy. ‘One last fling for old time’s sake’ – let’s make me utterly mortified and ashamed to show my face again someplace online before we finally get rid of the drug residues and the crazy manic attacks once and for all.

I made a mistake. I have to be at work at 3:00, not 2:00. But I got up and left anyway and now I’m here, so I will sit and eat and use the net for a while.

Oh – the people in the forum took my verbose comment relatively well.

A long ride to the Chinese restaurant on the other side of town

June 5, 2012

6:11 PM 6/5/2012

I spent this entire day resting. It’s 6:00 PM now, and the sun is going down, and I’m finally starting to wake up enough that I might move around and go down off the mountain and get something to eat, and maybe have an adventure. It’s been cold and rainy all day. I expect it to be cold and rainy all week, and I’m not expecting any sun or warmth until next week. The weather predictions may change, however. I hate having all this rain and cold for so long. It wouldn’t be so bad if I were actually prepared for it, if I had a poncho or a raincoat, if I had clean, warm clothes, but no, I have a lot of cold damp dirty clothes, some of which still have drug residues on them, and if I wanted a poncho, I might wear a garbage bag, but I would like something sturdier and more reliable than that.

I didn’t drink coffee all day today. I don’t have a fire, and I don’t have a coffeepot, and, as much as I love and enjoy coffee, and as much as I’m craving it right now, in the long run I won’t be drinking it. I’ll be using my minerals to grow a healthy baby when I become pregnant, and coffee causes your body to lose some minerals.

An unknown hiker gave a bird call today, and I answered it, not knowing who it was. I was in bed still, in my sleeping bags, and I was naked, and dirty, in a tent filled with garbage that I haven’t cleaned up yet, not really prepared for any visitors, but I wondered who was calling and wondered if they were calling me in particular or if it was a random person just playing around and calling out in the woods. There are many people who go hiking here. I’ve heard children calling each other back and forth with barking sounds and bird call sounds.

If I do go on a biking adventure this evening, it might be a challenge to get myself to the other side of town where the Chinese restaurant is, on North Atherton, the one called College Buffet, if I recall. I’ve eaten there a couple of times. Sometimes I seem to get food poisoning, and other times I seem to do okay, but regardless, I love their food. I use the chopsticks when I go there, and I’m usually the only person in the entire building who is using chopsticks. Many Asian people go to eat there, in groups, and the Asians, of course, NEVER use chopsticks! Only an American would use chopsticks in an Asian restaurant! Rick would understand.

Ah, I just realized, I’m not entirely decaffeinated. There are some chocolate bits in the nut mix, which I am still eating. I haven’t finished that bag that I bought last week, but I did eat all the granola bars and slim jims, and I actually bought another box of each, and have been eating them all day long. It’s no wonder that I am desiring nice food and vegetables now. I thought that I was eating badly when I was driving around town and ordering from the drive-thrus. Now I am eating *terribly*. This is temporary. I’m going to notice a slight improvement in my finances very soon. I haven’t been spending a lot of money, partly because it’s just hard for me to get around.

I hope that I don’t cave in and start getting used to taking the buses everywhere. The buses are nice, and I enjoy riding them, but if I want to save money, then I won’t want to spend $1.50 on the bus every time. But I know they are there if I need them. I’ve still been insisting on riding the bike everywhere. I want it to be second nature.

There is one debt that I have not yet escaped from, and neither have I completely rationalized a default on it. I have a medical bill to pay. I still feel this desire to pay it. And if I would have a bike accident and break some bones, I would have a very large bill to pay. I guess I could try just healing my own bones, but I would rather not be permanently deformed, which is what happens sometimes if you break bones and then let them heal on their own. That’s only if it’s a bad break. At the moment, I am still just counting on luck that I won’t have any bad bike accidents, that I won’t break any bones or injure anything else that requires an immediate trip to the emergency room, and that if I did, I’m counting on the possibility of rationalizing and excusing a default on those payments. I haven’t rationalized that yet. I always believed in paying my debts, but the credit cards were just too much, the entire credit card system, the banking system, the fact that they just keep giving more and more debt to people even if they have bad credit and they’ve defaulted, and they would have happily given me dozens more credit cards if I had wanted them, even after defaulting – that was too much for me, and I can no longer rationalize the need to support that industry by paying them. But the medical industry is giving me a useful service, although it’s much cheaper in other countries, and the malpractice insurance makes it too expensive here, and the subsidized health care provided by the government, and the distortions caused by the health insurance provided by employers, which are the result of tax incentives provided by the government… I know that the government is the reason why the price is so high here, yet still I can’t completely rationalize just taking their service and not paying for it at all.

I could go to a country where the medical costs were lower, if I insisted that these bills must be paid and not defaulted upon. Rick is afraid to default on debts, because he has heard that some of them will garnish your wages and harass your family members – that was the college loans in particular. College debts are one of the ones that I *definitely* do not believe in paying, especially in the United States, where prices are unnaturally and unnecessarily high, for many reasons, and where people go to college believing that they will magically be guaranteed to get a job just by showing someone their diploma, when in fact it’s much harder to get a job than that, and some graduates are working in fast food jobs and trying to pay off their college loans. Anyway I was mentioning Rick because he has written every now and then about medical costs in other countries and about his own experiences with getting cheap medical care for minor injuries and health problems. His wife still has a large college debt, and he would have talked with her about the possibility of defaulting and the consequences of it. He’s written about college debts in various places. College debts and medical debts are two of the very big ones that are a problem in the United States, and less of a problem in other countries. I don’t have a college debt. My medical debt is relatively small, and yet I feel reluctant to pay it.

An income-earning website is just an online book that has ads on the pages. It’s a book. Think of it that way. You are writing a book, and the book must be popular. It also must be easy to find, and unique enough to be distinguished from millions of other similar online books. I’ve been thinking about how to earn a so-called passive income.

Maybe eventually I won’t be so hardcore in my bike riding. Maybe eventually I won’t insist that I have to go everywhere on a bike just like I did in a car. Maybe I’ll let myself use the bus now and then. I’m hoping, though, that I can become strong enough that riding a bike feels natural and easy. I have in fact been becoming stronger. My muscles are stronger, and my heart is stronger. Now that I’ve raised the seat on the bike and my knees are no longer so bent, it’s much, much easier to ride the bike with less effort and less knee pain. I want to avoid knee pain as much as possible. Knees can actually wear out.

How cold and rainy will it be this evening? I’ve gotten used to riding the bike in the evenings and in the night, and going up the mountain in the dark, but I don’t necessarily enjoy it, and I’m not really confident about riding my bike on certain roads yet.

I might see a movie, if I do successfully get to the other side of town. I wonder what time that restaurant closes? I can’t call them, because my cell phone is dead. It really is having battery problems, and I’m going to have to get a new battery.

Who on earth would I care about and want to be friends with? Who would be interesting and admirable to me? Who would I want to spend time with? Who would care about the things that I care about?

I’m hungry enough that I will go down the mountain, but I might not make it to that restaurant. I’ll see how I feel once I get started.

…I made it to the Chinese restaurant. I ate everything and didn’t have any severe food poisoning/allergic reactions to anything. But it was a very long bike ride, and I won’t do that every day. I should find more restaurants on my side of town.

disgusting nightmare; getting used to riding the ‘slow moving vehicle that requires effort, doesn’t use gas, and has to ride on the shoulder of the road.’

June 4, 2012

11:48 AM 6/4/2012

I’m sitting in the strangest of places waiting for my cell phone to charge. And if it starts raining, this is a really bad place to be. And if any of the park maintenance people see me doing this, they will probably make it so that I can no longer use this plug.

I was trying to call the bicycle shop this morning to ask them how to raise the seat on my bike. I’m going to raise it so that my knees are fully extended when I press down on the pedal. I have the seat very low because my legs are so short. In reality, I should get a smaller bike, but I have to postpone that project for a bit until things are settled.

I was trying to call them, and I said a couple words, and my cell phone battery died. However, it had said it was fully charged just before that. My battery is probably wearing out. It might have a ‘charge memory,’ although I had heard that they designed rechargeable batteries so that they no longer had a memory. If you don’t discharge the battery all the way, or if you partially charge it and then use it, it will remember the level it was at when you charged it, or something, and I don’t feel like explaining it right now, especially since I don’t know whether it’s even true for batteries made nowadays. But they always say to completely discharge the battery until it’s empty before you recharge it again. Or, they used to say that.

I needed to eat something. It’s still freezing cold and cloudy and rainy. All my clothes are wet, and I still have some clothes that have drug residues from the car seat on them, and I need to finish the transition out of those clothes. I need to make a trip to Goodwill. So I was miserable when I got up and didn’t want to do anything at all. I tried raising the bike seat by myself, and failed. It seems like it screws out, except the screw threads appear to be microscopically thin. And I thought I read something about screwing it when I looked it up online. But my bike manual doesn’t say anything about having to screw the seat post. I turned the entire seat post many times both clockwise and counterclockwise, but it never seemed to change its height at all. It cannot be just yanked out. I tried just pulling it. I can’t make it move. And it might require you to pound it with a sledgehammer to make it move, but I don’t want to try that until I know for sure that’s what you have to do. If it really does screw in, then pounding it with a hammer would be a bad idea.

So I put on some sweatshirts and went down the mountain. I want to get used to going everywhere on a bike, so that riding a bike becomes second nature. It will be like driving a slow-moving car that requires effort and that has to be ridden on the shoulder of the road. But it can go off-road and in places where the other cars can’t go. And it will cost less.

I expect that my finances will not improve significantly for a long time. Just because I have stopped buying gasoline won’t be enough to save money. I still have to do the food transition. I still need to quit coffee. When I do that, then my finances will probably improve. However, I won’t have a potential problem in the future, which is a large car breakdown that requires thousands of dollars to fix. And I also won’t have to pay for the fixes that already needed to be done. But it’s hard to understand how my finances are affected by a potential, imaginary thing that hasn’t actually happened yet. I would have to do a bookkeeping account for ‘anticipated future car breakdowns’ or something, as a liability account. That would be ‘theoretical bookkeeping’ or something. I’ve read about weird ways of doing bookkeeping, back when I was reading about that online, and you can make accounts for things that haven’t actually happened yet, as long as you clearly indicate that that’s what they are.

So, I went down the mountain and got some pizza and coffee at Sheetz. Both of these foods violate the diet that I am planning to eat in the future, but I am tolerating them for now during my transition. Then I went to Spring Creek Park. There are two school buses here in the parking lot, and dozens of little children who look like they might be in first grade or kindergarten. I’m probably scaring the teachers. I’m sitting next to the restroom with my phone plugged in to a plastic-covered outlet on the outside of the building. I discovered it a few months ago. I was paying attention to places where I could plug in my electronics, because I was living in my car, and I didn’t have the chargers that plugged in to the cigarette lighter in the car. So I tried this one and it worked. I kept trying to use the phone while it was charging, but it would die again after a couple seconds of use. Apparently, it requires some of the battery just to make a phone call, and I didn’t have enough of it charged up yet.

‘They’ gave me a horrible, disgusting nightmare last night. When they woke me up this morning, they explained the interpretation of the nightmare. But I am not amused.

When I came home from work last night and got into the tent, there was a spider on the floor of the tent, and I killed it. I don’t know how it got there, and I think it might have fallen in when I opened the door flap. I don’t necessarily kill every single spider I see, but the tent is very messy and filled with junk and garbage that needs to be cleaned up, and if I had lost the spider, I wouldn’t have been able to find it again. I didn’t want it to bite me while I was sleeping. It wasn’t a poisonous black widow or brown recluse or anything deadly, but all spider bites are a tiny bit poisonous, and they will leave a mark or a big itchy welt or something. I just don’t want to accidentally get bitten in the dark while I’m sleeping.

‘They’ have an issue with my killing insects. I am often spraying wasps that are near my camp or on my path, even though it isn’t an entire nest of wasps. I sometimes spray individual ones. I do this because I don’t want them to nest anywhere near my camp. However, ‘they’ give me these unwanted empathic experiences with the insects after I have killed them, reminding me again and again about every insect that I have killed, sort of like a soldier in a war who keeps remembering the people he has killed.

One time, it had started raining, and I was sitting next to a tree, and I hadn’t yet gotten up to go inside the tent yet. A small wasp flew down to a leaf lying on the ground beside me, and it crawled under the leaf to hide from the rain. In the past, in other places, at other times, I might have thought it was cute and ignored it. But I was in the woods, near my tent, which I had to protect, and I had not too long ago sprayed a nest of wasps that had appeared in a hole that I dug near the tent, and I was still traumatized by having that happen. I absolutely do not want to be walking around nests all around my tent all the time. So I sprayed this little wasp that had crawled under the leaf to hide from the rain, even though it wasn’t attacking me and it wasn’t digging a new nest and it wasn’t doing anything.

‘They’ have harassed me over and over again about this incident, making me feel guilty about it, about how pathetic and sad it was, about how I should have empathized with the little wasp as it was hiding under a leaf to get away from the rain. They keep putting these incidents into my mind again.

There was another wasp that I sprayed because it was on my path, and it wasn’t attacking me, it was just flying around looking at me, and they put words in the wasp’s mouth to make it understandable – they said ‘I’m not going to hurt you, I just want to smell you,’ which also was meant to refer to the guy who had wanted to buy my worn panties (I blogged about that a few days ago). I had killed that wasp too, and ‘they’ reminded me about this unnecessary kill many times.

So I killed a spider in the tent last night, which prompted them to give me a horrible, disgusting, traumatic nightmare. In the dream, my mother had walked into some kind of trap, some kind of ‘theft deterrent’ or something. I rescued her from the trap, only to find that her body had been completely destroyed and dismembered, like the spider I had squashed, and I could see it – it was all these big pale chunks of flesh, still moving, still alive. I knew my mom wasn’t dead, I just had to put her body back together. She made this muffled sound but wasn’t able to talk. I didn’t know how I was going to put her body back together. When they woke me up, they were putting threatening voices in my head and making me feel terrified about being in the woods alone. They said that the hunters were able to see me. If someone were wearing infrared goggles, they would be able to see me for real, and it’s true that infrared goggles are commonly available for sale for hunters, and I actually considered buying them myself. ‘They’ were threatening to kill me or rape me or kidnap me, while I was lying in the tent, after this disgusting nightmare, and they were triggering feelings of fear and insecurity.

I don’t want to be harassed about every single insect or arachnid that I kill. They didn’t give me nightmares making me feel sorry for the giardia lamblia parasites that I killed or excreted by using Flagyl a few months ago when I got giardiasis. I distinguish between insects and humans. And the reason why American soldiers are able to go to other countries and kill civilians is because of our tax dollars and our ‘magic money-printing machines.’ I understand that the soldiers kill people because they are terrified of being killed, themselves, and how could you communicate with foreign people who are shouting things at you when you don’t know their language? It’s unthinkable that soldiers go to a region without knowing the language, but they do. Innocent people are screaming ‘Stop! Don’t shoot me! I’m not going to hurt you! I need help!’ and the soldiers kill them anyway because they don’t speak that language (and because the soldiers are on drugs that completely numb them to all normal emotions). I know all about that, and I don’t want to be forced to have similar feelings of guilt and regret about every single insect that I kill around my camp. I am not a soldier in a foreign country getting paid with our tax dollars and killing humans.

Individual people are capable of doing evil on their own. But the magnitude of the evil is enormous whenever they have the power and money of the entire US government behind them, enabling them to do anything they want, anything they can imagine, anywhere in the world and in outer space. Individual humans doing evil deeds on their own are nothing compared to the magnitude of the government’s evil.

I might be able to make that phone call now to ask them about raising the seat on my bike. I need this bike to be more comfortable for me so that riding it will become second nature. I’d write more, but I’m sitting on the grass outside the restroom at Spring Creek Park with my phone plugged in to this outlet, and I fear that it will rain again sometime today, and I don’t know when. I want it to get warm so that I can finally start doing the things I need to do.

But I did finally sell the car. And I am finally sleeping in the tent. I have partly made my transition. I suspect that I won’t see much financial improvement for a very long time, and I will have to make some decisions. I expect that life will be very hard for a while. However, I will be less and less affected by the drug residues as I get rid of the contaminated clothing and replace it with new clothes from Goodwill, and then, I won’t be affected by the drug residues at all anymore. The only place where I might encounter them is in some of my belongings, some old papers and things which might have a few residues on them. Any outbreaks from those things will be brief and easily fixed, in comparison to the ongoing and unavoidable drug residue exposures from the floor and the seat of the car. …The wind is gently blowing, and I wonder about the rain. I should pack up and go. I might go to the library.

Okay, I went to the bike shop and I got them to raise the seat. It worked – my legs straighten out more when I pedal. You’re not supposed to have your knees bent all the time while pedaling. It causes pain in the knees and prevents you from using all of your strength.

I’m still getting used to going everywhere on a bike. I have to mentally allow myself a lot more time to get from one place to another, and I still don’t have a sense of how long it takes. So I’m getting to work way too early sometimes, but that’s a good thing – if there is a chain derailment, I’ll have a few minutes to fix it. I’m being as careful as I can to prevent them. I mentioned it to another bike rider at work, the guy with the motorized bike, and he said that can happen sometimes, and they just need to adjust the derailleur.

I made it to the library. Now I’m plugged in and everything is charging.

I’m thinking about passive incomes. I need a better definition of what that is. It’s still a job, and you still provide some kind of product or service to somebody. But it’s a minimal-labor job. Do you sit around at home? Do you have to be anyplace at a certain time? If so, how many times a week or month do you have to be there? Do you have to make phone calls and talk to anyone, and if so, how often? How much financial investment is required before you get the income? How many years of work are required before it starts to pay off? No matter what, you still have to talk to somebody, interact with somebody, and provide some kind of product or service to somebody, in order to get your passive income.

I would need to choose what I want to do and how I want to do it, and I haven’t chosen yet. I could try a few different things and see if any of them work at all, but that sounds like ‘unsustainable manic project’ to me. It must be something in an area of interest, something that I do easily and automatically all of the time. It could involve writing, but it would have to be a type of writing that I do easily, in an area where I have knowledge.

I’m doing surprisingly well, considering.

June 2, 2012

4:08 PM 6/2/2012

I’m doing surprisingly well considering that I have been sleeping in a tent, riding my bike to work, and not really eating enough healthy food. For the past few days the tent has been cold, dark, and wet, but that’s supposedly because of a hurricane down south, so maybe it will get better soon. Everything is wet all the time. I need some kind of raincoat. I’m just riding in the rain wearing my normal clothes.

We’re sort of slow at work, and I’m in back booth, just standing around, which is why I’m writing right now.

Today I went down the hill really early. I wanted to try an alternate route to work, because there’s going to be some road construction on my route, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to get around it. While I was shifting gears, the chain got stuck. It got stuck in a small space between the gears and the innermost flat circular plate thingy. I don’t know the name of it. It got stuck so tightly that I could not pull it out. I pulled out several links of the chain, but there was one link that absolutely would not move. I didn’t have any tools of any kind with me, just my keys. I tried to use one of my keys to pry it, but it was stuck too tightly and I would have broken my keys. I crouched there by the road and yanked and yanked but could not remove the chain.

So finally I walked to a nearby house and knocked on the door, and I asked the lady if I could borrow a couple of tools, like a screwdriver. She lent me a screwdriver. I tried to pry it out with that, but it still wouldn’t come out. She had offered me a hammer, too, and finally I asked if I could use the hammer. I gently pounded on the end of the screwdriver with the hammer to force it underneath the chain link, and finally it went in, and I was able to pry out the link.

So I don’t know what to do to prevent this from happening in the future. I will just be really paranoid every time I shift gears now. And I need to get some tools. I was going to, but I postponed it, because it’s hard for me to go shopping. I didn’t even have any metallic objects that could have worked as a tool.

When I shift gears, it’s not shifting properly. There are a couple specific gear areas where it won’t go where it’s supposed to go. It seems to want to be in between gears there. It will continue clicking as though it’s going to shift, and sometimes it will shift to the next gear, and other times it will just keep clicking. If I go far beyond that gear, like two or three or even four gears down, it will finally shift. Then I can sort of get it into that range if I shift back up (or down, or whatever).

I feel better physically and I can tell that I’m wearing clean clothes. I put on a clean work uniform, one of the ones that I’ve been saving for a long time. My uniforms got messed up because I wore the shared coats at work, which have some kind of smoke residue on them, and it gets onto my uniform permanently and it won’t wash out. This winter I’m going to have to bring my own coat so that won’t happen. My new shoes are also clean. I feel totally different whenever I am not constantly wearing drug residue-covered clothing. I still need to get rid of a few shoes and a few items of clothing, and I need to take a really thorough bath and wash my hair as well as possible. The whole point of all this was to get rid of the drug residues.

I am telling myself that this hardship is temporary. It’s hard to sleep in a tent and ride a bike to work. It’s hard when I don’t have good food. It’s hard that I react to the smoke when I try to cook, and will need some kind of respirator or mask. But I will get better routines figured out, and I will see how much money I save by living a different way, and I will finish cleaning up from the drugs.

The next thing I want to do is remove my tooth fillings and leave the cavities open without putting a new filling in. I have looked online for drills that I can use to do it with. I haven’t chosen which drill I will use. There are lots and lots of people google searching for this topic, and so I will be glad to write an article describing how I do it and what the results are. A lot of people out there really need to remove their fillings and not put any new fillings in at all, and dentists refuse to do this. But people *really* need to do it!

So I think that is my next project. I will save enough money to buy the drill I want to use. I don’t know how quickly I will be able to save money like this, with one job, but I know that I won’t be spending as much as I was, without even trying to spend less. However, if I have problems doing the food transition, I will still be eating relatively unhealthy food for a while longer, and that means I might still be spending too much money on food.

When I sleep in the tent at night, there is this bird or something that makes a very pleasant, quiet, soothing noise in the middle of the night. It’s almost like a cooing, purring, burbling noise, at a very quiet volume, almost like a whippoorwill. It goes ‘brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…… (long pause) brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr……’ just once every minute or every thirty seconds or so, I never timed it. It’s almost like snoring, except much higher pitched and much smoother. It blends in with my own slow breathing. If the noise of the traffic is too loud, I can’t hear the bird. I can only hear it in the deepest night when there is the least amount of traffic. When I hear that bird, I know that all is well, and I feel safe. I assume it’s a bird, but I guess it could be some kind of insect or cicada or cricket, but it sounds like a bird. I’m happy to be able to hear it.

I’m going to be working a lot this week. I’m taking over someone else’s shift, so I won’t be off work on Monday.

I want to make an arrangement with someone to go with me to visit the cave. I don’t want to go alone because it might not be safe. I haven’t decided who I will ask or when I will do it. It takes a while to walk there and walk back, so we’ll need a couple of hours free. I don’t want to go deeply into it if it turns out to be a ‘real’ cave, where you have to have ropes and climbing gear and all that. I just want to see if there’s a cavern that’s big enough to just walk into. I feel that rock climbing and mountain climbing, the kind where you poke into the rock with those stakes and hang a rope from them – I don’t know what it’s called – I think that type of climbing is dangerous bordering on suicidal, and I am NOT suicidal right now, and in fact, protecting my life is of great importance, because I want to have children first before I die. So it has to be a ‘walk in’ cave where you are standing up and not crawling along ledges or rappelling up and down vertical walls or anything.

Falling into crevices isn’t the only danger of cave exploring. You can also walk into areas of bad air that have pooled in there, some kind of gas that sinks instead of rising, or some kind of gas that is trapped and is unable to rise. I have a feeling that I will be so sensitive to even the smallest changes in air quality that I will want to back out of the cave after barely even going in.

The other danger of caves is having a stupid random accident someplace where nobody can see you or hear you. If you are screaming for help deep inside a cave, no one will find you.

That’s in contrast to what happened when I rode my bike this morning and the chain got stuck. I had written recently that I am surrounded by thousands of people who are willing and able to help me in many different ways if I have any kind of problem at all. That was a perfect example of that phenomenon. I had a bike problem, and I just had to go knock on a door, and somebody was willing to stand there with me for a couple of minutes while I borrowed her screwdriver and her hammer to pry the chain out of where it was wedged.

I really need to go someplace where I can think clearly without being interrupted. Most likely, I won’t be able to go deeply into the cave, and so I will still feel the attacks. I need to go very deep underground to a depth where radio frequencies cannot penetrate. I am going to assume that I am being attacked by radio, but I don’t know that for sure. I only know that radio is a commonly available attack technology that has been around for a long time, and any malicious person who felt like it would be capable of buying or building a radio frequency weapon that’s able to do some (but not all) of the things that are happening to me. Some of the things being done to me are probably more expensive and more technical and require more knowledge and infrastructure. But most of it is probably just radio. And some of it is probably background noise from cell phones and other things, plain old electromagnetic sensitivity.

It would be nice if I could bring a book to read with me, and I could try to learn something, and absorb it, and understand it, and process it, and draw my own conclusions from it, and have a deep understanding, and connect it to all my other knowledge – all of the things that my mind used to be able to do while I was learning, in the distant past, when I was not being attacked so severely, when I was still capable of learning and studying. I’d also like to plan things and write things while my mind was quiet, too.

I guess I’ll post this because I’m on lunch break now and I don’t have a lot of time left.