Archive for December, 2013

All is not well; and also, WordPress, I am shaking my fist at you for your roundabout, inconvenient, indirect pathways I have to go down merely to publish a post. If I weren’t involved in a thousand other projects first, I would make my own blogging site that didn’t suck.

December 30, 2013

This morning, I got a pornographic email from a stranger which was obviously not meant for me, yet had my email address on it.  I’m wondering if this was originally a letter from him, and his letter was deleted and replaced with this, and they are interfering.  ‘Interfering’ implies that this situation was accidental, which is unlikely.

Every new attempted relationship in recent years has gone through a phase where I frantically try to explain to yet another person that all email is hacked and that their messages might not get through.  I am wanting to go into that phase now, except that I still don’t know if I will see him again yet.  It’s Groundhog Day.  The scenario is played out over and over and over again with little variations.  What new torture is next?

Another coworker at TB has a strange situation.  He had one text message from his girlfriend which said she was the happiest (with him) that she had ever been, and then, 24 hours later, she spontaneously told him to go away and leave her alone forever, without any interaction between them during the first message and the second message, and she is now refusing to speak to him in person.  I suggested to him that his messages might have been hacked.  However, I said maybe I was grasping at straws.

But it seems that destroying relationships and destroying human happiness is their goal.  I no longer put anything past them.  Everyone has to know about the hackers, and about how they not only hack ordinary computers on the internet, they also hack all internet-connected devices or network-connected devices of any kind, such as telephones, and interfere with messages, create fake messages, delete messages, replace real messages with fake ones, and so on.  We live in an evil dictatorship.

I haven’t been able to decide anything yet about what I will do.  I am partly focused on my trip to WV.

I can’t predict what he will do in the future, whether he has faith in me because of my real-world behavior (excitedly running up to him and hugging him and babbling at high speed about all the things I urgently wanted to tell him), whether he received a fake email that was not from me, whether he will try again to reach me in the future and whether they will stop him.  He does not know my work schedule, but it is a consistent schedule and if I gave that to him he would know how to find me.  I’d have to tell everyone, ‘Hey, if this guy comes looking for me, it’s okay, he’s my friend, you can talk to him on my behalf.’  I imagine ‘they’ would force him to get the urge to look for me always at a time when I wasn’t there.

The pornographic email worries me, and now I am anxious.  He has a genius IQ; I imagine his real email would have been interesting and intelligent.  I wasn’t sure whether ‘they’ had created this relationship setup deliberately, and wasn’t sure whether they were going to allow it to happen, or whether it was an accident and they were going to stop it.  That’s why I assumed I could just give him my email address and then let him contact me.  They let my emails through to Rick, although they were deleting my comments on his blog in the beginning, and I had another comment-deletion incident elsewhere not too long ago.  If this relationship was deliberately set up, then it was probably intended to hurt Rick.  I do not have information about how Rick really feels about me – he could be lying about everything – and so if I suddenly started seeing another guy, right when Rick was expecting that maybe I’d be able to visit him in Georgia, it would hurt Rick.

I have no way to express how angry it makes me that the soul murderers interfere with human relationships and love.  I’d get thrown in prison for making ‘terroristic threats’ against faraway, invisible, unknown people who I can’t see and can’t find and can’t put a bullet through the head of, because that is what they require.  This is the moment to quote Blackwater:  despite what your momma taught you, violence does solve problems.  (That motto offended me deeply when I first read it, and I’m not saying I like Blackwater, because Blackwater works for the government and all they want to do is go kill innocent Iraqis instead of killing people who actually need to be killed.)  Somebody needs to be violent with the life-manipulators who push their little buttons on their little computers and determine who lives and who dies and who suffers and who is happy.  I don’t know who they are or where they are.

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All is well

December 29, 2013

12:54 AM 12/29/2013

I was right, he won’t be working there anymore.  But it doesn’t matter, it’s okay.  At first, I went in and saw that he was being taken off the schedule, and I was devastated.  I felt like I was going to be sick, for an hour or so.  Then I gradually started to calm down, and I started thinking:  what do I have to do?  I started thinking of realistic things that I could do about this, but even so, I was very sad for most of the evening.

Then I went to take the trash out later on, and he was on his way in to check his schedule.  He saw me and called out to me, and I ran up and hugged him and gave him my note.  We talked for a few minutes outside and I got some information I needed (how long he will be here, which church, etc), and we hugged several more times before he left.  

It’s in his hands now.  I gave him my note with my contact information on it.  Now it’s up to him.  If he wants to contact me, that’s fine, and if he doesn’t, that’s fine.  He said he went to McD looking for me, so, he said, if anyone told me that a guy was asking about me, it was him.  He knows how I feel.  He knows how to reach me.  He knows I want to see him again. 

WordPress!!! I hate what you’ve done! Quickpress is gone, and now it just makes a draft! And ‘New Post’ doesn’t have a link to let me view the post and reread it after I’ve posted it, and not only that, but the ‘New Post’ button doesn’t work anymore on that page either! This sucks in so many ways!

December 28, 2013

Quick Draft Sucks! Bring back Quickpress! I used it all the time! I hate what you’ve done!

Continuing to worry about tomorrow – will this guy be there, or will he already be gone?

December 28, 2013

10:42 PM 12/27/2013

So far I’ve been noticing problems with excessive tiredness, staring into space at nothing, and just freezing up and sitting there not moving at all and having no urge to move.  I’m paying attention to my reactions to drug residues from dermally excreted drug metabolites in skin oils and sweat.  I can’t take showers every day or wash my clothes every day, but I did take a shower at the hotel Sunday evening after work.  I’m not staying at the hotel as often as I sometimes have.  

I’m on vacation starting next week.  I still have to work tomorrow and Sunday.  I am hoping that this person will be there at TB tomorrow so that I can talk to him again and give him my contact information.  Also, I have sort of forgotten how it feels to be with him, and I’m feeling like it never really happened.  

I’ve reminded myself that he’s not mine, he doesn’t belong to me, he’s only in my life temporarily, for a short time, for an unknown length of time, before he goes somewhere else.  But I hope it will be longer than a mere two work days, 16 hours.  I am going to be nervous when I go in to work tomorrow, and excited, but also, what if he’s not there?  If he’s already gone, if he got fired or quit, it’s going to be horrible.  The place will be dead and empty without him, and I won’t have any way to contact him.  I sort of think I might know which church he mentioned, but it would be weird to try to go there to find him, especially when I don’t know if he actually goes to church often, or if he only goes for something special, like Christmas.  It was a Christmas service that he invited me to.  

I’m trying to imagine what it will be like if he is already gone, how horrible that is going to be.  I don’t want to go back to feeling the way I felt before.  I was hoping to have something special in my life for a short time, something strong enough to rip me away from Rick, because I have still been writing letters to him and cannot stop.  Anything at all that can tear me away from him, I am begging for that, anything at all.  I cannot deliberately go looking for someone – when I try to do that, ‘they’ brainwash me to believe Rick needs me and he’s waiting for me and I mustn’t find someone else.  But if someone just steps out in front of me, in my pathway, and I can’t avoid him, like this guy did, this guy who just bombarded me with friendliness from the moment I walked in the door, so that I couldn’t avoid him, if someone does that, I can accept it.  I can’t go looking for it.  

I don’t know if ‘they’ put him there for me deliberately so that I would receive him as a gift, or whether, actually, he got there by accident and ‘they’ tried to stop him.  They might have actually attempted to murder him the day before he met me, because he had a severe accident on that Friday, before I met him Saturday, and went to the hospital.  The details of the story he told me are so vague that I think he’s hiding it, and I wonder if he might have actually made a suicide attempt.

Did they show him to me briefly just twice so that I would get attached to him, and then they’re going to make him vanish so that I will be tortured again, like I have been so many times before, time after time after time, meeting someone and then having them forcibly ripped away from me only moments later, or they force me to do something stupid that destroys the relationship like they did with Rick?  I won’t be as manic as I was with Rick, so whatever they do, it won’t be exactly the same as what happened with him, but if they simply force him to get fired after I’ve only met him twice, that would cause me more pain and suffering.

I can’t know until I get there.  I won’t know until I go in tomorrow and see if he’s there, or look at the schedule and see if he’s still on it, if he’s scheduled to come in on Sunday, if I have a chance to see him at all before I go on vacation.  People who haven’t been puppets, people who haven’t been mind-controlled, people who haven’t seen everyone else around them also being mind-controlled, have no idea how evil these puppeteers are, how malicious they are, how they exist to cause pain and suffering for everyone and destroy lives.  I know what to expect because they have done it so many times to me before.  I just don’t know if they will do exactly the same thing this time, or if they will invent some new and horrible way to destroy my life and rip my soul out of my body.  I can’t know until I get there tomorrow evening.  

If that happened, the only thing I could learn from this is that I have to INSTANTLY get someone’s contact information the very first day that I know them, and I have to learn to recognize them as the right type within seconds of meeting them, instead of going a few hours being uncertain about their type, like I was with him.  But how often is this going to happen?  How often is some attractive IEE going to be thrown in my path, directly in front of me so that I can’t avoid seeing him, someone who has problems of his own so that he can sympathize with my problems and forgive me for them?  That is what was special about this guy:  forgiveness.  If his problems are as bad as he says they are, he might be more understanding of the strangeness of my life, although I only had a chance to tell him about a few small things, not all of it.  He accepted what little I told him, and he did not judge me as crazy and evil, the way Rick did.  How long will he be nice to me?  Will he eventually start being horrible to me like Rick?  Will he change his mind and decide that I am some evil, inhuman, disgusting thing that deserves death?  Will he stop listening and refuse to forgive and refuse to accept and refuse to understand anything I say, and just slam the door in my face?  

It’s happened so many times, over and over again, because I am a puppet, and so is everyone else, and for some reason, the puppeteers want to role-play this horrible little scenario over and over and over again – let’s play with our little puppets, let’s force them to fall in love and then let’s force them to have some horrible disaster that rips them apart shortly after they fall in love, over and over and over again, the same stupid little scenario – they never get sick of it.  

I should change clothes and go home and go to bed, so that I can get up tomorrow.  Two more days of work, then the vacation.  I cannot pray to the mind controllers tonight – they interfere with me and God.  They are between me and God, preventing me from reaching him.  God can only be a faraway abstraction, something theoretically there that allows these evil murderers to continue doing what they’re doing, without ever stopping them – and that’s why they keep going.  God would have been a pleasant meditative state, if I had been free. 

Lack of recognition, and, a good life

December 26, 2013

10:08 PM 12/26/2013

At work today, I had a mortifying, terrifying incident.  A guy came in with his friends, and he looked exactly like the guy from TB who I wanted to talk to.  However, I wasn’t 100% certain it was him, because I’ve only worked with him two days, and I’m bad at recognizing faces.  

The last time this happened, it was when I was going to the meetup groups last winter, and there was this one guy in the meetup group who I sort of became familiar with but didn’t recognize very well.  I was sitting at Dunkin Donuts one day, and some guy walked in, and I mistakenly thought it was this other guy from the meetup group.  I said hi to him as though I knew him, then realized my mistake, and explained that he looked exactly like someone else who I had just met and didn’t know very well.  That total stranger turned out to be Steve, the EII guy, who I ended up having sex with.  Ironically, this time, I didn’t want to accidentally flirt with total strangers who looked exactly like my coworker at TB, since I was just beginning to bond with the coworker and didn’t want to go running around meeting other random strangers right this instant.

I kept watching this guy indirectly, but could not bear to make eye contact with him, and he did not make eye contact with me.  I was watching, and watching, and watching, thinking, ‘Is that him?  Is that him?  I don’t know, I can’t tell.’  I sort of wanted to say hello, but it was even worse because he was with a group of friends, and I did not want to A. talk to the wrong guy who was a total stranger, in front of a group of guys, or B. talk to the real guy if it really was him, in front of a group of his friends, some of whom might possibly know who I am by now, or maybe not.  He wasn’t in his TB uniform, and that’s one reason why it was so hard to recognize him.  

And he was there for quite a while sitting and talking with his friends, which gave me a very long time to indirectly pay attention to him, struggling and struggling to recognize him for sure, but never being quite sure.  I felt bad for ‘ignoring’ him, too, because if it really was him, I felt like I should have said hi to him, and I was being mean or rude by not saying hi.  

This will all be resolved if I can just go to work and see him on Saturday.  If I can give him my contact information, I won’t be so worried about losing him and desperately wanting to talk to some guy who looked exactly like him but might not have been him.  I am just impatiently waiting for Saturday.  

I had this feeling today.  Maybe it’s the secondhand drug residues – and yes, I already feel them and have had a few symptoms from them, and this *will* be an issue.  But the feeling was like this:  I went to work today, and it seemed like everything was easy and nothing mattered.  I had been off work for three days and I had gotten lots and lots of desperately needed sleep, for the first time in *weeks*.  I wasn’t working overnights anymore, I was doing an evening shift, which is the easiest shift for me.  I suddenly realized just how easy and how wonderful my life was.  Other people around me at work were in sort of morbid moods, talking about their unhappiness, about how they wanted to do something differently with their lives, and I had this strange feeling of being detached from them, because I myself was already living a very unusual life, camping in the woods, saving money for something, and now (God willing – and yes, I was praying), I have this new person in my life, at least for a little while, someone I can enjoy getting to know, someone who surprises me by doing things and saying things that I don’t expect, someone new and different.  I had this feeling that actually I have a very good life. 

I met someone special, but don’t know if I’ll see him again.

December 26, 2013

3:05 PM 12/26/2013

I haven’t blogged for a couple weeks now. I’ve been working too many hours, then just going home and sleeping as much as I can. I’ve had hardly any free time at all. This week, I’ve changed my schedule, and I’m working fewer hours and no overnights, thank goodness. I’m only working four days again. I needed to find a balance between having enough free time and having enough money to save. I’ve got my second job now and I’m able to cram enough hours into just a few days, so that I earn a lot of money on the weekends, then have several days off in a row. I’ve done this before.

I met someone special at work on Saturday, but I might not ever see him again, because for all I know, he could have been fired, quit, or committed suicide by the time I get back to work there on Saturday. He was at TB. I didn’t get a chance to give him my contact information yet, but I will if I see him again. He invited me to go to a church service with him on Tuesday night, Christmas Eve, but I didn’t hear which church it was, and never got to ask him about it again. I thought I would ask him again before he left that night, but he left suddenly and unexpectedly an hour earlier than I thought he would, so I didn’t ask him.

If I do see him again, and if he’s alive and still employed at TB, then I will try to arrange to see him some more outside of work. I would have loved to go to the church on Christmas Eve, and I really regret missing it. I’m not even joking when I say ‘if he’s alive.’ One of the reasons why he and I got along with each other is because he himself has mental/physical/emotional health problems, and he is unstable in various ways, and hates his new job.

He just started working there at TB, which is why I never saw him before. I walked in on Saturday, and I myself was barely alive. I had tried as hard as I could to fall asleep that night, Friday into Saturday, but couldn’t, and ‘they’ pushed the ‘instant sleep’ button and forced me to fall asleep for a very brief time, like half an hour or so, and that was all I got. It seemed like something in the weather. I even wondered if HAARP or a HAARP-like thing (there are other HAARP-like things out there, and, sorry, but the only word that will come to my brain is ‘thing.’ A place that shoots electromagnetic waves into the atmosphere.) was shooting us that night. Nobody else could sleep either – a large group of coworkers all complained simultaneously that none of them could fall asleep that night.

So I worked at McD that morning and then dragged myself into TB, expecting the usual misery – only to be suddenly bombarded by friendliness and chatter from some guy who I had never seen before. I walked in and he greeted me hello, even though he didn’t know me, and I had this feeling that he personally was the Official TB Welcoming Committee. I started washing my hands, and he saw that I was using the hand washing sink, which comes on automatically and sprays a gentle shower of water. ‘That one doesn’t have any pressure. I don’t like that one. I like using that other one there. It’s got a lot of pressure.’ He referred me to the other sink next to it, which we aren’t really supposed to wash our hands in – it’s for washing and preparing foods and stuff in, but it’s true, it does have a lot more pressure. ‘I haven’t tried that one yet,’ I said.

So then I started working, and he stood next to me and bombarded me with dozens of cultural references, songs, books, movies, video games, and TV shows, none of which I recognized. Finally I was able to explain that I hadn’t watched TV in an extremely long time, and he was amazed, almost admiring about it. But I recognized the TV show ‘Cheers’ and I let him know that I had been watching it when it was on originally in the eighties (he’s in his early twenties), so that he would have a vague idea how old I am.

He was the loudest and most talkative person there, as though talking was more important than working. I was the only one who was constantly making an effort to listen to him, pay attention to him, and struggle to understand what the heck he was talking about, even though I didn’t get any of the references, whereas my coworkers would have, because they have actually been watching TV and participating in the culture for the last few years. Some of them were able to answer him once in a while.

Most of the people there were trying to urge him to keep working and focus on work instead of talking. But when he was talking, I had this feeling that other things mattered in the world besides work, so I would pause and listen to him, while still trying to get my work done – we were both at the table making food, and it was busy and there were lots of orders.

I don’t have time to describe every single conversation we had or every word he said, and anyway, these were intimate conversations that I won’t be posting on the internet, since we were getting to know each other and finding out about each other’s lives. I was trying to figure out his personality type from the beginning, but it didn’t matter, because regardless of what type my brain thought he was, my emotions and my body were already irresistibly attracted to him, and I was already touching him on the first day that I knew him. A few things later on convinced me of his type, but I was already with him long before that. However, as usual, I will be reacting badly to the prescription drugs that he’s on, and I probably can’t do anything to fix that.

I have been literally praying that I would see him again this Saturday. I’m sure he will be fired or quit very soon. It might even be now, it might be this week, it might be today. It’s almost inevitable. If I don’t give him my number and email then we won’t be able to see each other anymore. I am just helplessly, impatiently waiting for Saturday and hoping he will be there. It’s even worse, because I’m about to go on a two-week vacation so I can visit my parents in WV, so I will be off work, and won’t have another chance to see him if it’s not Saturday and Sunday this week. The only thing I could do to speed this up is, maybe, I could walk over to TB after I get out of work tonight, and order food and ask if he’s working tonight, but that feels like too much. I don’t want to call him out to come to the front counter and talk to me, in front of everyone.

He is temporary – he’ll be going to college soon, and I’m confused about whether he’s actually going BACK to college, or going there for the first time – I wasn’t able to piece this together from talking to him yet. I don’t know exactly when he will be leaving to go back. He’s going to Texas. I am telling myself that I will just appreciate whatever time I have with him, and learn whatever I can. But I certainly hope that I will have more than just 16 work hours with him, which is all I’ve had so far.

I have to get ready for work now – I’m at McD.

still waiting for the bus, plugged in

December 3, 2013

12:51 PM 12/3/2013

I was going to ride the bus to town with my heavy backpack full of laundry and a heavy book, but it will be a while before the bus comes, so I came back to the Lemont Cafe and plugged my netbook in.

I’m reading about the Twilight series.  The Volturi enforce the law that the vampire community must remain a secret, unknown to humans.  This is similar to Harry Potter, where the wizarding world is a secret.  Keeping your community secret is one of the primary strategies of defense.  I am living in a tent on Mt. Nittany, and technically I’m not really supposed to be there.  People can see where my bike is parked, and the neighbors know about me, and a few other people know about me, but nothing ever came of it.  I am not really a secret, but I am just sort of quiet.  They know I’m there, but I don’t cause any disturbances, I don’t destroy things, I don’t set fires, I don’t leave trash lying around, I don’t invite drug users and heavy drinkers up there to have parties with me, I don’t do anything really horrible that would justify the neighbors getting upset that I’m there.  I’m not cutting down trees anymore either, although I did cut only one down, when I thought it might be dead enough to fall on me, and it turned out it wasn’t really completely dead.  I don’t cut down trees anymore.  If I were cutting down a lot of live trees on Mt. Nittany, then that would be a violation of the property, because it is meant as a nature preserve.

The rule is just ‘Don’t do anything stupid and obnoxious that would piss people off,’ but it could be rephrased as ‘keep secret.’  If I were bringing other people to live in the community with me, I’d have to make a lot more rules, and they’d have to be a lot more explicit, and there’d have to be a method of enforcement.  They’d have to be foolproof.  When you’re dealing with stupid people, you have to make foolproof rules and asshole-proof rules.  I’d have to have rules against playing music loudly, for instance, even though I’d love to have people playing acoustic music in my community on their primitive non-electronic instruments, and singing.  Unfortunately, we couldn’t do that there.  It would draw attention to us and we don’t want attention.

I probably would solve the problem of assholes and stupid people by simply not inviting any assholes or stupid people to live with me!  I get very angry about things like people throwing garbage on the ground.  I can throw some garbage on the ground outside my tent, but that’s because I know I’m going to clean it up later.  Some people just throw things around and never, ever intend to clean it up at all.  I don’t throw things on the ground in places far away from my tent.  I have a couple specific territories where I put things on the ground.  I don’t like making rules and bossing people around, but there are situations where I have to.  I don’t like being the mean bossy person, but there are reasons for all the rules.

It’s hard to be a boss when you don’t have the social status to be respected.  ‘They’ have actually urged me to make Anaya a matriarchal religion, so that women will artificially and officially be given a high social status.  I was reading a mind control website recently, and someone had written something that claimed to be from a psychic person talking to aliens and getting information about their plans.  This person predicted that there would be an Antichrist in the future who would be called the ‘Matraia.’  I saw that name and I liked it for myself, actually, except I would spell it with a Y.  It is the matriarchal leader of the Anaya, the Matraya.  I’m not officially taking that name, I just thought it was an interesting coincidence that it fit so well with my Anaya religion.  This is indeed a New World Order, but not the way they think.

So I would have to enforce those rules on rebellious people who would think themselves above the rules.  I have a ‘no lighting fires’ rule.  However, some people are competent enough to light fires safely and handle them and prevent accidents.  Those people should be allowed to break that rule.  But if one person breaks the rule, then other less competent people will protest and they will want to light fires too.  Less competent people cannot be allowed to light fires.  You have to know exactly when and how it’s appropriate to light a fire so that you can get away with it, not causing an accident, not drawing attention, not making visible smoke and visible lights to draw attention to us.  There could be an allowable method of lighting fires, such as underground fires.  You can light a fire in a hole in the ground.

You have to keep the community secret because it is smaller and weaker than the outside world.  The outside world and the government would totally destroy us in an instant if they knew how – what’s the word I’m looking for? – how treasonous we are.  Liberty is treason.  The Constitution is treason.

Ten minutes till the bus.  I’m energetic enough to make it to the laundromat.  I think the laundry really will get done today.  I still have so many more things to do.  It will be a few weeks before my new schedule kicks in, with Wednesdays off in addition to Monday and Tuesday.  I wanted two jobs so that I could do this, work fewer contiguous days with more hours packed into a day.

I wish that I could write fiction stories while non-manic.  I want to get clean, and I want to finish a project, and I hate Unsustainable Manic Projects like this story.  A few weeks ago I was thinking about learning assembly language, too, and look how far that went.  I’ve downloaded stuff for free, thankfully, instead of buying a bunch of books and then abandoning them, the way I used to do in the past during an UMP (‘Unsustainable Manic Project’).

The need for a sponsor – this is very important.  I’ve been reading The Millionaire Fastlane, thinking about why people aren’t able to free themselves from slavery.  They need sponsors.  People need to evaluate them to find out whether they are hard workers who want to support themselves, but who temporarily need to be supported by someone else so they can focus all of their time and energy on some project such as starting a new business.  People like me can’t even save up a thousand dollars.

I’m nervous – I have to go catch the bus now.  It’s almost time.

Still surviving two jobs; going through a ‘wet feet mania’ phase; wrote a couple paragraphs of a story by hand on paper, an Anaya Wish Fulfillment Scenario

December 3, 2013

10:42 AM 12/3/2013

I’ve put in a new schedule request for one job but not for the other job yet.  I tried to the other day, but the manager I needed to talk to wasn’t there.  I did make a request to have two weeks off in January so that I can go to West Virginia.  I’m going to be working only four days, with Mon-Wed off, and I’ll be working both jobs on those four days.

I’m hoping to try to do the laundry today.  Last time I wanted to do this, it went very badly and I ended up just going home and sleeping because I was sick and couldn’t bear to stay up all day walking around and doing work.  I’m tired, but not as sick today.

I think we should introduce wild pigs to Pennsylvania and start hunting them.  I don’t know how they’ll destroy the environment, but they might.  I just don’t like seeing these empty woods with no life in them.  There are deer, but it seems like there are hardly any.  I know a lot of people would disagree with me on that.  But hunting season is so limited – one person is allowed to kill one or two deer, once a year, during a particular month.  That’s nowhere near enough to subsist on all year long.  Wild pigs have a very high reproductive rate and are ideal for hunting all year long.  They give birth to two litters of piglets a year, with four to eight piglets each time, if I recall (I just read whatever was on the internet but don’t recall the exact numbers).  They quickly reach a high population level and no harm is done by having everybody who wants to go hunting, hunting wild pigs all year long whenever they want to.  In an economic crisis, we need some wild animals that can be heavily hunted.  Letting them run wild instead of owning them means that nobody has to pay to feed them.

I am not very awake right now.  I drank some decaf to start off with, but I will want to drink coffee with caffeine later.  I am having problems with my shoes.  I never did finish completely moving to an uncontaminated soil area, so I’m still getting drug residues on my feet every time it rains and my shoes get wet.  That makes me sleepy and/or manic.  I know that I tested the soil a while back by walking around barefoot outside my tent, only to start having manic reactions and feeling the burning sensation on my feet.  I wanted to do some more thorough testing, going barefoot on wet soil in other completely different locations, to see if it was drug residues or if it was something in the soil itself, like a mineral, that I was reacting to.  It could be a mineral, but I haven’t been able to do the testing yet.  It is causing problems for me now because we’ve had rain, snow, and ice and it just won’t go away.  It thaws a little bit now and then, but not long enough to melt it all.  We are probably stuck with yucky snow on the ground for the next four months now, constantly.  It will just get covered over again and again with new snow.  I say ‘yucky snow’ because it gets dirty and gray and slushy after a while, that’s all.  Snow in general isn’t yucky to me.  I actually love the snow.  I’d love it more if I weren’t having drug residue attacks every time my feet got wet.

To compromise, I will probably have to buy some waterproof boots again.  I haven’t been able to do any kind of projects at all, no matter how trivial, since I’ve been working too much.  I am hoping that when I stop working Wednesdays, I will have enough time to recover, so I’ll be able to do my own projects again.

I really, really need to do another decon.  This wet feet problem is leading to more problems and more contamination.  I’ve been having problems with my heart pounding, with difficulty sleeping, with writing too many comments on the internet, and with having excessive emotional-sexual responses to people who I don’t want to get into a relationship with.  I can think of one person in particular at McD who might possibly be a Delta NF male, probably an EII, someone who is kind of new who I wasn’t really sure about for a while.  He could also be, maybe, an SEI or something.  I have started bonding with this person more than I intended to, mostly because of my drug residue mania.  Last time I saw him I walked up to him all shy, looking at the floor and unable to look at him, because I was all excited to see him.  Getting rid of the drug residues was supposed to stop things like that from happening, but I wasn’t able to completely finish my final decon that would get me away from contaminated soil getting into my wet shoes every time it rained.  So I still have not solved the problem of having unwanted relationships that I don’t intend to be long-term.

So… Wednesdays off.  Hopefully that will be just enough time off that I will be able to do my own projects on my own to-do list again, but not so much time off that I never have any money.

During this mania, I even attempted to write a small fiction story, longhand, on paper.  I did this during a very long and boring night at work when we were so slow we had nothing to do.  (I had deliberately left my netbook at home, because I wanted to leave work quickly without sitting around using the internet for hours like I usually do.  Without the netbook, I was forced to just go home after work.)  I just wrote a few paragraphs.  The key to my being able to write a story is that I have to write it as passively as possible, with no pressure to try to achieve some particular thing.  If I try to achieve more than I naturally would, then I won’t be able to force myself to write the story.  I just have to write a lazy, pathetic story that sucks and that goes nowhere, otherwise it won’t get done at all.

But I find myself ‘talking to the voices’ and questioning the entire story structure and where it’s going and what are all the alternative plotlines and things I could try to do.  I have to remember that every character has a past, a line of growth, that leads to where they are now.  They didn’t just magically appear at that point in the story, then cease to exist when I stop writing about them.  They are constantly walking around somewhere outside the visible boundaries of the story, outside the current focus.  They have reasons why they do what they do, feel what they feel, believe what they believe, say what they say.  Making other characters who talk is the hardest part of story writing for me.  All my characters are flat characters who know what I know, as the author, and feel the way I would feel.  I am limited in my ability to make any characters who are very different from myself.  That’s why I really want to learn socionics, so that I could make believable characters who were consistently, drastically different from myself, so they would be realistic.

There is this incident of a ‘major life change.’  Some big thing happens that puts the character suddenly into a drastically different situation, and that’s what made the story worth telling.  It wasn’t just someone living in a suburb and going to school and getting married and having kids and then dying.  Something big happened that unsettled their whole life and changed everything, which is what set off the storytelling.  Some huge disaster or event has to happen.  I looked up ‘The Black Stallion,’ hoping that its copyright had expired and it would be on Project Gutenberg, but it wasn’t there yet, so I could only read previews of it.  That book could have conceivably been written by a SLI, maybe, but I’m not sure, and I wanted to read it again to find out.  I looked at Black Beauty, and I think it might have been written by some other type, maybe IEI or something, or ESI or something… something ethical, -Fi, with complaints about how people treat others, how people behave, their rudeness and unkindness and inconsideration.  It seemed like they had -Fi, which means they could be Gamma SF or Beta NF.

But I wondered if The Black Stallion might have been a SLI.  Anyway, The Black Stallion came to Alec through a shipwreck, the ‘major life disaster that all the story follows from,’ that I was talking about.  There was a shipwreck, which causes the two of them to be stranded together, where they got to know each other.  I don’t recall the exact storyline, I just saw what I read as a preview of the book.  I could pick it up at the library when I return my overdue book, but that would require effort, and I don’t have a lot of energy.

‘The voices’ recently retyped JK Rowling as an LSE instead of an ESE.  I don’t know if they’re right or wrong about her type.  I saw that some socionics page had her typed as an ESE.  I have an overdue Harry Potter book in my backpack right now.  Deltas seem to just eat those books up.  I know several suspected Deltas who absolutely love those books and read them over and over again just like I do.  I have a coworker who’s got all the books and has read them until they’re falling apart.  I’d have done the same if I weren’t throwing away all my contaminated belongings – if I hadn’t been doing that, I’d have put the Harry Potter books in my library and reread them a million times too.

There are old books, written a hundred years ago, where the authors wrote very long descriptions of nature.  A dozen pages will do nothing but describe what the forest looked like, in thorough detail.  I don’t want to go to quite that extreme!  But I want to describe the world enough that you would want to live there.  This is only an Unsustainable Manic Project anyway, and will be abandoned as soon as I get rid of the Wet Feet Mania Syndrome.

A major life change triggered the Twilight books.  What’s-her-name (Kristin Stewart) moved from Arizona to the Pacific Northwest, to the town of Forks, which is where she met the vampires.  (Okay, I should google this – I need the names.  Bella Swan, that’s it.  I wanted to call her ‘Becka.’)  She found that she had a totally different social status now that she had moved into a different local culture.  In Arizona (or wherever it was) she had been at the bottom of the social hierarchy in school, but in Forks, she was suddenly popular and everyone was fascinated with her.  I think that’s probably realistic – your status can change drastically if you simply move from one place to another.  I’ve lived in Pennsylvania and West Virginia and I know how different they are, even though they are right next to each other.

The Twilight books are named after a temporal process.  I’ve been appreciating the moon phases and the seasonal changes recently, and want to include them in my books.  Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn – all of those are astronomical processes of time.  ‘I try to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly.’  – in that song by Owl City, which I just heard recently on the radio and was talking about with my coworkers.  A coworker complained that he didn’t like that song, and I said that I didn’t like how the guy had used some kind of ‘randomized notes’ function on the synthesizer, it seemed, because there were just a bunch of random notes jumping around that were unsingable and unrememberable.  It violates the rules of songwriting in ‘Composing Music – A New Approach,’ by William Russo.  In the song, he’s lying awake with insomnia, thinking about the passage of time, being aware of it, as the earth turns slowly.  He’s probably on drugs, I’m guessing, maybe antidepressants.  ‘I’m much too tired to fall asleep’ – there is no such thing as being ‘too tired to fall asleep.’  If a person feels ‘too tired to fall asleep,’ that means they are under the influence of a toxic substance that causes extreme fatigue with insomnia, such as ephedra residues or antidepressants.  Oddly, even though I’m complaining about that song, I actually like the idea of that songwriter, who wrote it all by himself and did it all with his synthesizer.  He wanted to have control over the songwriting process, instead of doing it collaboratively with a group.  That’s how I’d want to write music, too.

The +Ni socionic information element is about slow, gradual, temporal processes, how things change gradually over time.  It avoids and resists sudden changes.  I want to understand these information elements, but haven’t learned how to read Russian yet, so I can’t find anything written about them except automatic translations that are messy and confusing.  When Rick writes a report about a long hike that he took, he describes how the landscape gradually changes from this to that, from fields to woods, from a particular terrain to another terrain, as you gradually go down the trail.  Those things are not actually changing, but are in the process of being *experienced* or *seen* over time as time passes.  First you see this, then you see that, over time.  The objects themselves are staying the way they are.  It’s not the same as talking about how, over time, the mountains are formed when tectonic plates collide.

I think a lot of Deltas like ‘Doctor Who,’ too.  I haven’t watched it, since I don’t have a TV and I’m forbidding myself to watch any television at this phase of my life.  Dr. Who is about time travel.  I was thinking about the characters in the story, about how one person can only experience so much time, and the structure of the story could be written in such a way that the reader experiences time the same way the characters do, in a linear direction.

I also want to distinguish between -Ni and +Ni, but again, can’t read Russian, so I can’t read the socionists’ work on this topic.  -Ni is a scenario gone wrong.  I thought of this the other day.  Aunt Jeannie was coming to pick me up so that we could go eat some Thanksgiving food together.  I gave her directions for how to find me.  But she took a few minutes longer than I expected, and I was walking down the road to meet her, and I was able to walk farther than I expected.  If I went any farther, I would have gone past an intersection, which would have made her unable to find me.  So I stayed where I was and sat down to wait and didn’t walk any farther.  I thought this was the use of -Ni.  If I went past this intersection, then the scenario would have gone wrong.  I must be on her path of travel, but I didn’t know for sure which path she would take, because there were a couple alternatives, but all of them went through this one intersection eventually.  If I went through this intersection, she could have found me, but only if she had taken one particular path and not the other path.  If she took the other path, she would not have seen me.

So a person who is adept at using -Ni could write a story with a scenario gone wrong, a scenario that depended upon several possibilities.  Once you’ve gone down this particular path, you can’t do certain things that you used to be able to do, and the moment is lost.  You’re shipwrecked on an island, calling for help.  But your ‘help me’ fire burns out just at the moment when a ship is sailing by, and no one sees you.  If only you had known the exact moment when a ship would be sailing by, you could have saved the fire fuel and lighted the fire at that exact moment.

If you spend money and energy, if you allocate resources to some particular activity and not another one, then time will pass, opportunities will be lost, the situation will change, and new opportunities will appear.  I have always felt overwhelmed by trying to choose a life path.  I always knew that if I invested energy into one particular project, it meant that I could not do a hundred other projects that I also wanted to do.  I could not go to college and study only one thing, abandoning all the other things I wanted to study.  It frustrated me that I could not study and do everything I wanted to do simultaneously.  If you invest lots of energy into one thing, so that you become good at it, so that it becomes a profitable activity, you cannot invest energy into other things.  Some people are adept at seeing and predicting which activities will be the most profitable in the future, which will generate the most opportunities.  But if ‘having lots of opportunities’ isn’t important to you, then you will use some other process to choose your life path.

My story (the couple of handwritten paragraphs that I briefly sketched during a couple boring hours at McDonald’s) was a wish fulfillment.  I wanted freedom, I wanted sleep.  In my story, it starts with the main character sleeping, and sleeping, and sleeping.  She was in a tent, freezing, like I am, but she was warm in a pile of furs.  I want furs instead of sleeping bags, but can’t have things like that until all the drug residues are gone.  Furs cannot just be thrown in the garbage when they get contaminated.  Furs must be carefully preserved, because they came from a living creature.  This girl (of unknown age?) slept until she naturally woke up.  She was in the free zone, where the electromagnetic frequencies are blocked.  (How is the Free Zone defended?  We don’t know yet!  That’s part of the story.  Obviously, there must be some kind of war going on with the outside culture, because there is NO POSSIBLE WAY that the existing government would EVER allow a large land area to exist without being bombarded with electromagnetic waves from satellites and towers and communication systems.)  That is why she was able to sleep.  She was experiencing mental silence for the first time.

I myself experienced mental silence for the last time, and I remember when it happened.  I had started getting attacked and was noticing that I was now waking up in the middle of the night several times and being unable to go back to sleep.  That was in 2003.  After that, I never slept again, which means that I have not slept at all for at least ten years now.  But they gave me a couple brief nights of silence so that I would remember freedom and peace.  It happened when I visited my parents in West Virginia during that time when the attacks first began.  I went down there, and I suddenly noticed that I was sleeping perfectly, in silence, undisturbed, without being forced awake several times during the night.  I was able to appreciate it all of a sudden, because I had begun experiencing the constant attacks and sleep disruption just recently, and I was able to see the difference, the huge, drastic difference in my sleep when I wasn’t being attacked.

But on the third night during my visit to West Virginia (I’ve retold this same story many times!), there was a van driving around our neighborhood.  We live on a dead-end rural road, so people don’t drive through our road to get to somewhere else, therefore it’s unusual to see an unfamiliar car driving around for no reason.  Someone in this van was screaming, and screaming, and screaming, and screaming, out the window, while the van was driving.  I had been out walking, and I was standing out on the street talking to a neighbor.  It was evening and it had just gotten dark.  She and I could hear this van driving by with someone screaming.  We were both totally bewildered.  ‘Is that someone SCREAMING???’ my neighbor said.  ‘Yeah,’ I said, and we didn’t do anything.  We just listened to the van driving by, screaming, and it went down to the end of the road and turned around, still screaming, and then it went by again and left.  It didn’t go past us, it went down another branch of the road, so it wasn’t really close.  We were just so confused at the strangeness that we couldn’t do anything.  Maybe, possibly, we were both being attacked with some kind of frequency that paralyzed us and made us unable to make a decision or take any action.  Afterwards, I fantasized about what would have happened if I had then jumped into my car, driven over the the van, and forced them to have a car accident and pushed them off the road.  Would I have rescued a kidnap victim?

That night, the attacks began.  I slept, and was forced awake by zaps several times during the night.  The van might not have actually been necessary for the attack, but it symbolized the attack.  I don’t actually see vans driving around near where I am when I’m being attacked, and I don’t believe they are actually necessary.  They might be a red herring meant to mislead people into thinking that a van is needed, when actually some other method of attack is being used.

After that night, I never slept again, but I remembered how it felt to sleep in silence.  That was the last night of sleep in my entire life.  I have never slept again.

In this story, this wish fulfillment, the girl sleeps and sleeps and sleeps, making up for all the decades of sleep she never had.

I was very interested in an article on Natural News not too long ago.  Some scientists had discovered that, when you sleep, some part of your brain relaxes and physically opens up, allowing cerebrospinal fluid to enter the brain and wash out toxins, and that is the purpose of sleep.

You’d think that a story about sleeping would be boring, wouldn’t it?  This hypothetical story, which I will never finish writing, since it’s an Unsustainable Manic Project being written while I’m contaminated, is a wish fulfillment, where someone experiences freedom, and health, and safety, and silence of mind.  I’ve experienced those things to a greater degree in the past, although I’ve never experienced perfect silence and perfect freedom in my entire life.  I only had a greater degree of it in the past.

She (argh! my right shift key isn’t working – it has a crumb under it or something – and I have to hit it several times every time I need to capitalize a letter!) has joined the Anaya tribe.  She has these sponsors who are providing food and shelter for her so that she can quit her job and doesn’t need to earn money.  This is a temporary arrangement.  In order to qualify for sponsorship, you have to be a hard worker who will provide for yourself as soon as you can after you become free, but you will need to transition and you will need help and sponsorship and training to live that lifestyle.  They are living as primitive hunter-gatherers, farmers, and herders.  However, there is a technology development operation going on on the side, which is how they defend the Anaya land against external attacks, which are constant and unavoidable, because the government is what it is today – huge and all-powerful.  People are living this primitive lifestyle, but saving large amounts of money on the side.

This is similar to Atlas Shrugged.  Atlas Shrugged never happened.  It seemed like it could be possible for all the great businessmen to drop out of their jobs (is this an LSI using their demonstrative function as a last resort when all else fails?  An LSI’s demonstrative function is -Si/+Se, freedom and your own personal health and comfort and your own needs, obtained individually.  It seems that the opposing quadra loves it when you use your demonstrative function as a last resort, because Ayn Rand is popular with Deltas, who see her books as a vision of freedom and rebellion.).  But that never happened.  It could have been possible and was not all that implausible, but in reality, no one wanted to do it, not enough people, not enough of a group to have any impact.  We don’t really see lots of businessmen walking off the jobs and disappearing in real life.  But there is nothing physically impossible or implausible about that.

The Anaya religion has been developed through ‘the voices’ interacting with me during my manic phases.  During those phases, I can tolerate the use of the id functions much better, the functions that you don’t like to use until all else fails.  I was able to tolerate this making of ‘the laws’ of Anaya.  Maybe it isn’t even my demonstrative function, maybe it really is my creative function, I don’t know, and, darn it, I can’t read Russian, so I can’t figure out which type of laws are which.  My creative function is able to make some kind of laws too.

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTttTTTTTttttTtTTtTTTTTTTTTTTtTTTT

This!  This with a capital T!  That right shift key is very annoying!

This story is a scenario where Anaya actually happened, where it became a real religion, a real intentional community, a real organization.  It imagines how it would actually happen.  But I’ve jumped to the ‘wish fulfillment’ phase after it’s already succeeded in its goals.  She’s able to sleep in peace because Anaya succeeded in blocking the electromagnetic waves from a large area of land.  She isn’t sleeping inside a shielded box, although that will happen in the story too.  They have shielded boxes inside the Slave Zone, to help people survive there.

In this community, people don’t watch television.  They spend their time interacting closely with other people and animals in the community.  That enables them to more easily meet people and fall in love and have children, which is part of the story.  The story must have a happy ending, and having children is part of the happy ending, but it is also an ongoing part of the process of the story, because the story never ends.

But there is a conflict – the war with the outside world.  That must be part of the story too.

And the girl will go back outside several times into the Untouchable Society, the Slave Zone, where everything is contaminated, people use drugs and smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol, people poison themselves and have deformed children, people are constantly controlled by electromagnetic attacks, and people never sleep and never think an uninterrupted thought.  She will clearly see the difference between the two worlds and will be extremely grateful for the world of peace and freedom.  You don’t know what peace and freedom are if you’ve never experienced them.  Suddenly you discover that your brain isn’t SUPPOSED to constantly have a buzz of nonstop background noise full of music and voices and controlling thoughts.  You don’t know what you got till it’s gone – and that includes bad stuff!  You don’t know just how awful your life has been until something fixes it, and suddenly you see just what a miserable slave you were.

I’m going to post this now since my battery is dying.  I need to go to the laundromat and the library to return my late Harry Potter book.