Archive for June, 2018

I loathe my neighbor so much it is actually a real problem for me

June 30, 2018

I can’t explain why I feel so sickened and violated by his presence. Merely having a conversation with him is unbearable to me. I feel that every second spent talking to him is an intolerable second.

On the day when I thought he hid my cat,

I just got blank slated in the middle of that sentence. I’ll try to talk about other stuff and get back to it.

Jacob might have been under the trailer on some boxes that I moved down there while cleaning the carpet. It just was weird that he went so long without coming when I called. I was having a reaction due to the carpet cleaning, whether it was their subatances, ephedra, or both. So my mood and mental state were worse than usual.

However, even now and every time I’ve talked to him, it’s still horribly disgusting. I just got home a while ago and saw that he was sitting outside by the fire ring with a fire like five feet high going. He *loves* fire. I just keep thinking of him doing magic tricks for children, because his bumper sticker said "Magic is a tricky business." Har har! That’s hilarious! So witty!

The neighbors told me he was "cooking" at 2:30 am when I heard the repeated thump-screams. Maybe he was cooking the human child that he was freshly slaughtering inside the trailer.

I just can’t even relax and feel safe and private merely knowing he is next door. I look and I can see through the window if he’s playing a video game, but even that doesn’t reassure me that he isn’t simultaneously watching spy camera videos of me on his phone or something. If he’s into "magic," and drones, and fire marshal buddies, then surely he has some kind of spy technology.

I don’t know when he’s leaving but I wishhe would leave as soon as possible. I absolutely cannot get over the very strong feeling that he is an utterly repulsive and completely untrustworthy person. I feel it every second I’m with him or even all the way over here in my trailer.

an incomplete post about anaya; I’m extremely tired today

June 30, 2018

11:29 AM 6/30/2018

I’m writing this on a day when I feel a little bit sick, and very exhausted. I’m taking a break from vivarin, which I have been using every single day to help myself get more tasks done. I’m exhausted probably from exposure to substances that induce fatigue, and I have my theories about what they were, but it isn’t important – that’s not what I’m talking about today. Suffice it to say I think they might have been natural plant substances, more so than synthetic substances.

I’m going to write a little bit about anaya. For the time being, I’m writing ‘anaya’ in lowercase, to distinguish it from the person’s name. No matter how I tried to spell it, the alternate spellings always turned out to be a real name. Anaya wasn’t meant to refer to a particular person. It was a word I made up.

It also isn’t the same thing as ‘anava,’ which came up in my google results one time, and ‘anava’ does seem suspiciously similar to the spirit of anaya, except portrayed as a bad thing, a vice, a weakness, something to get rid of. If I recall, there were three attachments in hinduism – karma, anava, and something else, a word I don’t remember. Anava was attachment to the belief that everything is finite, or something like that.

That does seem suspiciously similar to anaya, my practical religion, which does in fact focus on improving quality of life in the material world, and which does reject the worshipping of supernatural gods, and which also teaches or encourages the idea that we don’t know what happens to us after we die, and that the people who claim they do know what happens are vulnerable to the system of mind control, which might be implanting them with false memories and false beliefs.

So this does suspiciously resemble ‘an attachment to the idea that everything is finite,’ but anaya isn’t meant to refer to anava – it’s a coincidence, and kind of an unfortunate one. It was google searching that gave me that information.

In the past year, perhaps over this winter, I meditated a lot, and I made a numbered list of anaya rules. This isn’t the entire list of rules. More rules and more teachings are on the other website. Some of them have changed a bit over time. This has been developing over the past ten years, during the same time period of my herbal drug residue contamination, since 2008.

I’m really tired, and I do want to take a break from vivarin for at least one day, so this is not going to be very well organized or focused.

As silly as it sounds, ‘the order’ was partly inspired by watching Harry Potter’s ‘The Order of the Phoenix.’ I do take Harry Potter seriously – not quite literally, but rather, I see it as representing things that are real, real human needs, real phenomena, including the idea that there are secret technologies that can do amazing things that most of the world doesn’t know about.

And there is a real need for a group of people who are in some way fighting against a real threat, a real danger – except I see this danger as something which has already come to pass, something which has already won, and not a mere potential. I see a need to change our entire lifestyle, globally, and also to protect ourselves against an ongoing enslavement and an ongoing attack upon us. So we have a need to be liberated, to be set free from slavery and captivity.

But anaya isn’t all about fighting a war. Anaya is about how we live. It tells us how to live life in the material world, in detail. I read some websites about comparative religion, where they describe many things that all religions have in common – no, it actually was on another website, the one about ‘spiritualism.’ I forgot. The article about ‘spiritualism’ said that religion can tell you ‘be kind to your neighbor,’ but can’t tell you how to lose weight. I completely, 100% agree with that statement, and that’s something I hate about religion, which is why I made anaya what it is.

So religion doesn’t *have* to be useless and inapplicable to real life. Anaya’s goal is to be directly applicable to real life, to be practical advice, to tell you how to live and be healthy, and how to make the world a better place for your children. If there is such a thing as ‘eternal life,’ we might interpret it as ‘being born again through our children,’ which means that the quality of our children’s and grandchildren’s lives represents the quality of our own afterlife. If we make life hell for our children and grandchildren, that is the hell of our own afterlife. That happens when we destroy the world so badly that it becomes unlivable. The world is gradually becoming a bad place to live, by my standards.

That last statement goes against something in a book that strongly influenced me, which still strongly influences me to this day: ‘The Ultimate Resource,’ by Julian Simon, a book recommended to me by my brother. I read it, I loved it, I was inspired by it – and now, at age 43, I need to start having the courage to disagree with parts of it, just as I did with objectivism and libertarianism and many other beliefs that I got from my brother. I’ve already gone against a lot of beliefs that came from my parents.

I don’t really have the energy to argue against ‘The Ultimate Resource’ right now – it’s very complicated, and it’s been a long time since I read that book. I know that I’m using a little bit of socionics to distinguish my own approach from the author of that book, who I think was probably my socionic lookalike, the Gamma INTP. I am a Delta ISTP.

(When I say ‘Gamma INTP,’ I do that because of my beliefs about the ‘J/P switch for introverts,’ caused by the American system of Jungian Cognitive Functions, which uses the wrong function order for introverts. I believe that the American dichotomy tests provide a *somewhat* correct type, although not perfectly, but the American cognitive function types *always*, systematically, give the wrong J or P to an introvert. This is a whole huge topic worthy of an entire book. I say an INTP in the American system should be exactly the same as an INTp (lowercase) in socionics, and I insist on using all capital letters, because …. because there are reasons, worthy of an entire book.)

(Most people believe that an INTP and ISTP, in capital letters, *always* must translate to an INTj and ISTj in socionics, which I insist is *not true*, for reasons. If they were typed by an American dichotomy test, they are given a correct J/P, which translates directly to lowercase j/p in socionics. If they were typed using an American cognitive functions test, they have the incorrect J/P, which must be switched to p/j in socionics. They also might need to be retyped due to other mistypings, such as a lookalike mistype, which I myself experienced from taking the Myers-Briggs test – I wasn’t mistyped as a J when I’m actually a P, but instead, I was typed as intuitive when I’m actually a sensor. I believe we need a physical method of typing people, based on Dario Nardi’s work – except *not* doing the J/P switch for introverts as Dario Nardi does!!! – and it will be something like a handheld brain scanner that will quickly scan across the forehead and figure out what type you are in a couple seconds.)

All of that came from my statement that the world is gradually becoming a worse place to live, not a better place, by my standards. This goes directly against the spirit of ‘The Ultimate Resource.’ I believe that human enslavement is gradually getting worse and worse, that we are being nickel-and-dimed to death gradually, that it’s a bad thing, not a good thing, for humans in developed countries to have fewer and fewer children, which is a trend that’s happening, that an electronic mind control system is becoming stronger and more unavoidable over time and it’s affecting all of us more and more, and other things, many other things, which are getting worse over time, not better. The author of that book might not entirely disagree with me, it’s just that we express these ideas differently, with emphasis on different things, partly because, as I suspect, he is my socionic lookalike the INTP.

I believe that our food production should be done using a permaculture method of growing food in forests, instead of chopping down trees and planting monocrops over thousands of acres of bare fields treated with pesticides, herbicides, and fertilizers. Julian Simon was not opposed to this huge system of modern agriculture, and I disagree with him about that. He was not opposed to pesticides – he said that DDT was responsible for getting rid of malaria in the United States, because malaria came from mosquitoes in swamps. I cannot be entirely sure about this, because I’ve never experienced malaria. But I believe some other solution should be found, not the spraying of pesticides. I insist that the spraying of pesticides is unacceptable, and it is worse than the original problem, even if malaria really is a problem.

These ideas fall into the category of ‘the teachings of anaya,’ and are not strong enough to really be official rules. Rule #11 talks about the environment, and these ideas are included in there. Free roaming animals are included in #11. We want free roaming herds of wild animals, such as buffalo, which we will use as food, but who are also respected as living creatures for their own sake, which means their life must be worth living, and it is only worth living if they are free to roam in their herds over thousands of miles, or however many miles they travel when they migrate, and able to eat good food in a clean environment.

I’m not explaining all the details, but there are many. All of this can be explicated. Each rule is summarized in a quick sentence for mnemonic purposes, but in reality is filled with thousands of sub-rules and details and teachings and exceptions to the rules.

I have written, not long ago, a blog post which had the few numbered rules that I had memorized this winter while meditating. I can write a similar post again now, just talking about the same rules again. The other website, called ‘the order of retmeishka,’ which is linked to from my blog, has more information, and I don’t actually call it ‘the order of retmeishka,’ because the word retmeishka is hard to say – I only created that word so that it would be easy to find in a google search, because it was a word that nobody else was using.

1. long hair
2. special foods
3. no surgery
4. polyamory allowed but not required
5. no drugs
6. social nudity
7. no electronic mind control
8. no vaccines
9. no cosmetics
10. racial mixing is allowed but not required
11. clean environment, free roaming animals

12. dozenal counting, oralite culture emphasized in addition to literate, alternative scientific measuring standards, rejection of the decimal system, creation of new words and new names, alternative math and physics and science

13. no Christmas, no huge gift purchases for Christmas, no pretending Santa Claus is real, alternative holidays will be made, which are frequent, probably on all thirteen moons of the year at least, and maybe also the solstice and equinox and other astronomical holidays

14. no Christian god, satan, jesus, or other supernatural gods, no ‘one infinite creator’ viewed as a sentient being, the universe should not be viewed as sentient

There are actually many more rules, teachings, and opinions, many of which are weak and not strong enough to be made into an official rule. Socionics is a very big part of anaya, but isn’t explicitly written into the rules, because socionics is a tool made by other quadras and other types, and I am not strong enough to use or modify this tool as well as those types are. I cannot claim socionics as my own, but at the same time I feel that it is a very important tool to use in the design of my intentional community.

I always felt that other religions were written in a language that was alien to me. I often find religious writings from the Beta quadra, for instance. Those writings do not speak to me and do not express things that I think are important, and yet, I feel that religion in general is important to me, that I need some kind of religion, that I have spiritual needs that resemble religious ideas, that I have some beliefs which are similar to those of some religions, but that no religion existed on earth that had writings that spoke directly to me in a way that I could really understand and resonate with.

This is the reason why I am using the tool of socionics, with the intention of writing anaya’s religious ideas in the language of the Delta quadra so that it speaks to Deltas. I have found that I am able to absorb information when it comes from Deltas, such as Corey Goode and David Wilcock, who gave me ideas that are very challenging to mainstream beliefs, and gave me enough comfort that I was able to absorb those ideas without feeling traumatized, even though I had encountered similar ideas before and was too traumatized to accept them.

I couldn’t accept the idea that aliens had been visiting our planet for millions of years, because that made me feel powerless and hopeless and helpless to fight back against them – the slavery that somebody made for us, the mind control system, was too powerful for us to ever fight against, and it was hopeless. David and Corey explained the information in such a way that it showed that there are at least *some* benevolent aliens out there who are worth interacting with, and their way of explaining and describing everything was acceptable to my mind, probably mainly because of socionics, as they are both Deltas.

I believe religion must be like that. It is a set of beliefs and rules, and if you aren’t the right personality type, then you just won’t be able to process the information. My ENFJ socionic
conflictors might actually be *right* about a lot of the things they say and believe and feel, but I just can’t understand what they’re saying and use the information for myself much.

I believe that the creator of scientology was an ENFJ conflictor, and that some of the labels given to rejected scientologists are actually attempts to give people a personality type, without using an official personality typing system, because I read a forum by former
scientologists, and many of them used a writing style very similar to my own, and seemed like people who I would like in the real world.

All of those rules need to be explained in more detail. Number 3, ‘no surgery,’ is actually complex and has some exceptions. We allow surgery that removes implanted objects, and we have our own surgeons who specialize in this particular type of surgery. So, we remove dental fillings and other dental implants, breast implants, and other things.

This surgeon will have a growing skill at removing more and more things and reconstructing the body in such a way that it can live without them, so, for instance, when the spine has been permanently destroyed by a surgery that implanted a steel rod into the spine, that steel rod can be removed, and something can be done to regrow the bone so that it supports itself once again without the implant. This is a developing area of research, not something that we have ready to use this very instant. Anaya is a direction, a goal, an orientation, a set of values, and we value the regrowing and regeneration of injured tissues instead of the implanting of objects.

There are also subsets of rules having to do with childbirth and childrearing, but they are spread out and included in the list of numbered rules. They should actually be together in one set, and might be written elsewhere that way, as a set of rules that all specialize in things having to do with babies and children and conception. Anaya is really about that, about creating new people who are healthier than their parents and grandparents.

The no surgery rule means that people cannot have babies with cesarean section. There are many web pages where people explain all the problems caused by cesarean sections, although I don’t know if all the information is gathered into one place, because it causes so many different problems, a wide variety. Cesarean sections… cause so many problems, I can’t bring myself to even start to write about them.

They cause people to schedule their birth on a certain day, instead of when the baby is ready, which would be when the baby has begun to secrete the lung surfactant, which will enable it to survive breathing air, and which triggers contractions in the uterus. The babies born from cesarean sections on a scheduled birthday are born several days too eartly, or even weeks too early, and this is viewed as trivial when in fact it is crucial. Many structures and systems are forming at the very last minute just before birth.

Surgery does permanent damage to the mother’s abdomen, weakening her muscles and the uterus for future births, although it’s possible to give birth again, but many doctors will warn you that your uterus could rupture because you had a previous cesarean section. This is a great way to encourage people to have only one child, without ever explicitly telling them they’re only allowed to have one child.

I really don’t feel that I need to explain all the reasons why cesarean sections are bad, when there are so many web pages out there doing a great job of explaining it. I’ve already decided they are bad, and nothing more needs to be said. It’s important enough to be made into one of the strongest basic rules of my religion. It’s a rule now, and nobody needs to argue about it or be convinced or persuaded about it. That’s why I like these rules. You don’t have to ever fight the battle again of trying to change people’s minds who refuse to change their minds, over and over, millions of times. It’s just a rule, and you have to accept it, the end. Just follow this rule.

Anaya provides a community that supports you as you follow these rules. So you are not left helpless and alone to try to obey rules that are very hard to obey. You do not have to find some alternative, on your own, to a cesarean section, if you have a problem with your baby in the womb. Anaya gives you those alternatives and suppports you strongly every step of the way as you are getting ready for childbirth. No one is ever expected to live in isolation and follow all of these rules using nothing but their own strength.

It’s hard for some people to breastfeed after birth, but anaya requires it by law. You are not allowed to just skip breastfeeding and just give up. You *have to* find a way to breastfeed. But since anaya is a religion that encourages lots of childbirth, there are always other nursing mothers available, some of whom will have colostrum available as well. We do not merely command people to do things that are hard and painful to do, and then expect them to do these things all by themselves with their own strength.

Anaya requires a special diet. But it provides this food for you. You are not expected to live alone, far away from any community, and somehow find all these special foods in the grocery store and prepare them by yourself, or be judged as unworthy and evil and going to hell. You are not expected to know all the details of which foods are allowed and which ones aren’t. Eating the special diet is so important, so central to our religion, that we *make sure you do*. We don’t allow our people to fail. We don’t let them just struggle and suffer and fail on their own, faraway without any help.

Other religions do that exact thing. They tell you you’re gonna go to hell, unless you do something which is extremely hard to do and which requires enormous strength that most people don’t have, and you have to do this thing all by yourself no matter where you are, or you’re a failure and you’re going to hell. So, for example, they might tell you that being homosexual is a sin, and you’re expected to just magically stop being homosexual, or else you’re going to hell.

Anaya teaches that being homosexual is something you were born with, which is *probably*, but maybe not always, caused by something which happened during or before your mother’s pregnancy. This is an ongoing area of research – there might be such a thing as ‘normal’
homosexuality which is not caused by unnatural factors. Anaya focuses on preventing all the things that cause people to become homosexual, unless those factors are viewed as normal by anaya, which again, I personally don’t know about yet.

One example is: the hormones given to mothers during pregnancy, allegedly for the purpose of ‘preventing a miscarriage,’ actually cause their children to develop into transgenders. Being transgender is not your fault. It is completely real, and it has causes which are preventable, which are abnormal.

Many transgender people or gay people are offended at the idea that their sexual orientation has a ’cause’ which is ‘unnatural’ and should be prevented, because they feel like this is judging them personally. Anaya doesn’t judge the results, it judges the causes that led to those results. Anaya doesn’t judge you for being homosexual or transgender, it judges the use of hormones given to mothers during pregnancy and other things that cause this to occur.

In one model of socionics, Delta decision making (thinking and feeling) has a plus sign, which means ‘process’ instead of ‘result.’ Good processes lead to good results, and bad processes lead to bad results. Using hormones during pregnancy is a bad process, regardless of the results. Even if you can ‘get away with it’ and ‘don’t notice anything wrong with the child,’ you’re not allowed to do it, period. I don’t know for sure if that really is an example of the ‘process versus result’ decision making, but it doesn’t matter too much.

Again, anaya provides. The Christians say that their god provides. When I meditate about anaya, I say that anaya provides. But I mean it in a literal physical way. Anaya is a group of people who provide material things to their members. Anaya provides the resources and support and knowledge you need in order to obey their rules. Anaya doesn’t just tell you ‘you’re not allowed to use hormones to prevent miscarriages,’ and then just lets you flounder as you struggle to prevent a miscarriage somehow, without being allowed to use the mainstream method. Instead, anaya tells you how to successfully prevent miscarriages without using those hormones, and anaya allows for any miscarriages that do occur anyway in spite of our efforts.

The whole of anaya, the goal over time, is to create a culture where people are giving birth at an earlier age overall, and that means that if a teenager giving birth has a couple of miscarriages, they will still have many decades in which to try again, which is completely different from a forty-something year-old woman, who is giving birth for the first time ever in her entire life, and probably for the last time ever, just on the brink of menopause, because society has prevented her from having children for all the decades of her life, by isolating her from her people, preventing her from falling in love, preventing her from finding material and financial support, preventing her from socializing because she is too busy slaving at her job and too exhausted to socialize when she comes home, or her irregular schedule doesn’t allow for socializing, or the social activities available in her culture aren’t at all interesting to her – basically, all of society conspires to prevent people like me from having babies.

I used the word ‘nakrivich’ to refer to that, when all the forces and factors in the entire society, all of this huge, anonymous evil, which probably doesn’t have just one single individual nemesis behind it, conspire to ruin our lives in some way. The word ‘nakrivich’ is kind of a joke, a made up word that doesn’t mean anything, and it sounds like the name of some foreign person who would be the evil
arch-nemesis of anaya. But in reality it is a huge, vague, amorphous, anonymous group of many forces and many people.

To some extent, this is synonymous with ‘The Cabal’ described by David Wilcock, but not entirely, because I include a lot more things in my vision of evil, such as the fact that society makes men cut their hair instead of growing it long. I view that as actually evil, not benign, not merely ‘the way it is,’ but a sinister thing with sinister intentions behind it, whose goal is to make all men repulsive so that no women will want them, and thereby depopulate human beings.

I value a lot of primitive tribal ways of life, such as hunting and gathering. But I do not just value all primitive traditions merely because they are primitive traditions. I thought of that just now because there are actually tribes that deliberately and consciously say that they do things to make their members physically repulsive to others, such as lip disks. They make a hole in the lip or the ear, and then gradually enlarge it by inserting disks into it. This primitive tribal tradition is illegal under anaya law.

Men’s haircutting might have a similar intention behind it, in primitive history, to deliberately make all men more repulsive to women. We may have just forgotten that this was the reason why we cut men’s hair. Circumcision is explicitly and deliberately done to reduce sexual pleasure, as some writers have admitted, some people who are in favor of circumcision. Circumcision is also illegal under anaya law. Many times, there is some evil intention behind some activity that we all take for granted as normal nowadays, but we have forgotten that evil intention, and we would not be happy to hear about it if anybody ever admitted it.

There might be somebody somewhere in the modern world who might admit that the purpose of cutting men’s hair is to make all men repulsive. They might look at a rock star, for instance, and see how hugely popular those rock stars are, with their giant hordes of screaming fans who love their long hair, and they might frown upon this and say that it’s wrong for so many women to be fascinated with a man. They might say it’s wrong for a woman to feel attracted to a man, because men are supposed to make the first move, and men making the first move is the only right way for it to be. So women must be prevented from feeling any desire for a man, and the way to do this is to make all men utterly repulsive to women so that women have no desire at all to touch them in any way. Perhaps this is, and was, the intention behind haircutting, but it is forgotten, and taboo, and cannot be spoken out loud or explained.

I’m tired and can’t write a whole lot more. But, one thing. Sometimes anaya doesn’t have the solution to a problem right now. Anaya doesn’t always aggressively seek to make a manmade solution to every problem. Instead, we create a culture that aims towards fixing problems over time, by making an entire world in which certain things happen. I mentioned that up above, because I said miscarriages wouldn’t be such a big deal if our entire culture wasn’t already forcing women to never, ever have a baby until the very last instant. Forty-something women on the brink of menopause *will* be having a lot of miscarriages! That shouldn’t even happen to begin with.

So if you yourself are one of the forty-something women suffering from recurring miscarriages, you’re sort of screwed, because anaya isn’t going to give you tons of drugs that will allegedly help prevent this (although I think it *can* be helped other ways, such as with nutrition, but since I can’t test it, I cannot do any research at all in this area). You might fail. You might actually not have a successful pregnancy, and you might go into menopause without having a baby, and anaya ‘didn’t even try’ to use some kind of artificial drug that would allegedly prevent your miscarriages.

That is part of what anaya is, and part of why I call it a ‘religion’ although it is a practical religion. Sometimes, acceptance of failure is going to happen, and anaya advocates not doing anything about it, just accepting it. The entire culture of anaya must be made, in the long term, to give everyone an overall better quality of life, so that problems are prevented before they ever happen, and also, so that when they do happen, when you do have an accident or get sick and die, you will have lived a happier life up to that point.

We do not prevent all death. We do not prevent all failure. In that way, we have similarities to other religions, in that maybe, *this* lifetime might be a failure or a loss, but it’s okay, because we are all aiming to improve ‘the afterlife,’ which, in anaya, is the life for the children and grandchildren of our entire anaya group, not just our own, since we ourselves might have failed to have our own children. The whole group, the whole tribe, has an afterlife which we are aiming to improve, even if we ourselves as an individual have suffered and failed in some way.

That is one reason why anaya is similar to some other religions or religious attitudes, even though anaya is material and practical and oriented to physical life on earth (and on other planets, which anaya encourages). We still have a certain amount of ‘self-sacrifice for the afterlife,’ even though that idea isn’t expressed or interpreted the same way as many religions do.

It takes courage for me to talk about that, because I learned about objectivism, which is very opposed to any idea of ‘self-sacrifice.’ I kind of am too, but yet, many of my beliefs and visions can only be described as resembling some sort of self-sacrifice. I really do a lot of things based on the idea of having a long-term vision of what the world should be like and what I want it to be like, even though the world really isn’t that way right now, and even though I as an individual might not be benefiting from living this way.

One example is my mustache. I, as an individual, might seem to benefit if I shaved my mustache off and made myself look normal. I could be more popular. I could be more powerful. I could have more social impact. I could be more accepted. I could feel ‘normal.’ I could get boyfriends who are conventional.

But all of that would violate my feeling of betraying a vision, even if that vision doesn’t exist right now. I have a vision of acceptance of body hair on all people. It can only be done if somebody starts to do it right now. It will never happen at all if everybody waits until everybody else has already started doing it. I would rather be loyal to my vision, even though my own life is made more difficult. If I shaved my mustache off, I would feel as though I’m not who I want to be. I’m not who I want the world to be. I want the world to be a certain way, and I can only control myself, so I will make the world the way I want it to be, by making myself that way.

I want everyone else to be that way too. I want other women to look like me – that is, if they happen to grow a mustache, and it’s a certain percentage of women who do, but I don’t know the percentage, and I also don’t know all of the causes – birth control pills allegedly trigger the growth of mustache hair, but that’s okay, because anaya already forbids the use of birth control pills, while also not judging the results – if you already took birth control pills and grew facial hair as a result, we don’t judge you for having facial hair, but we judge, and forbid, the pills. But, if other women happen to be like me, I want to see them with their mustaches visible too instead of being shaved, and I want this to be taken for granted as a normal event which is emotionally neutral.

I’m going to take a break and go eat something. I might write more later. Or, maybe, actually, I’ll take this to the wifi and post it. I forgot, I’m writing on my laptop, so I can’t send it over the wifi, because for some reason, my phone will connect to the wifi at the campground, but my laptop won’t. I’ll go use the wifi someplace and then I might continue writing more later after posting this. I just was writing because I’m too tired to get up and do anything today – I wasn’t feeling very well.

About to continue doing more projects; I shouldn’t have to fix the plumbing; going underneath the trailer effectively reduces electromagnetic radiation discomfort

June 29, 2018

The carpet is drying, and I’m reacting less to it, still walking barefoot on it. I will continue to take preventive measures with objects, such as putting things inside bags and boxes if they’re touching the floor. My amount of reaction is greater than zero – I faintly feel something – but I’m able to sleep, and that’s what matters when it comes to ephedra contamination. If it prevents sleep, it’s an emergency.

I will work on fixing my water pipes. I just bought a shop vac for this floor cleaning, and it has a blower setting. That could be used to blow air through the water pipes in the wintertime, a much better solution than filling them with "nontoxic" antifreeze. I’m thumb typing on my phone, and took a vivarin, and would like to say a whole lot more about this topic, but I’ll save it for some other time.

Long story short: it is evil that water pipes and appliances, like the hot water heater, are damaged by freezing. They should either, by default, inevitably, always, be prevented from ever freezing, in a foolproof manner, or else made so strong that freezing won’t harm them even if it happens. There is no excuse, and I don’t want to hear someone’s explanation of why water pipes "must" inevitably be destroyed when it freezes. I don’t wanna hear "It can’t be done because the laws of physics say so," or "We all *have to* put up with the phenomenon of broken water pipes and power outages and it’s our responsibility to prevent anything bad from happening as a result of those things. If water pipes break, it’s your fault because you allowed your heat to go off in the winter. You must keep the heater on at all times. That’s your responsibility."

No, we don’t have to put up with badly designed plumbing that’s so weak it cannot withstand the *normal operating conditions* it will be subjected to. This is Pennsylvania! We have winters! It gets below freezing! This is normal! You should assume that minus thirty degrees is inevitably going to happen to the pipes sometime during the century in which this house exists! This house is not a disposable piece of garbage!

And we should not have to pay for a heating monopoly to prevent this freezing, either, whether it’s electricity and power outages, or running out of propane, or having the heater keep breaking over and over as I repeatedly try to repair it.

Believe me, I have a lot more to say, especially on vivarin with no breakfast.

I’m getting ready to go take a shower at the bath house. It should be easy to take a shower and to do it in my own house, but my water is disconnected. It broke a few things when it froze. Last winter, I was in the process of getting ready to protect the pipes with some things like a cable that you tape along the hose or the pipes and plug in, but it froze before I could set those things up.

Incidentally, I noticed that when I crawl under my house, there is a drastically different sensation in the electromagnetic background noise. I have a heavy metallic floor just above me, not far above the ground. Radiation should still be able to come in from the sides – it’s not enclosed – but apparently, it’s sufficient to have a big piece of metal a short distance above the ground and be under it. The noise reduction is drastic. I was crawling under the house several times because I put a bunch of junk under there. So a lot of radiation is pouring down from the sky, and it causes me pain. I’m also grounded at the same time, touching the soil. So both of those factors seem to help.

Anyway, I’m gradually waking up, with my vivarin. I’ll try to shower today and run some errands. I have to get my rent money, and I gave myself a reminder to check on Mt. Nittany and see what was happening there, with the Nittany House.

Another observation, with a disclaimer; I got my cat back and I think I know where he was, but I still don’t like the neighbor

June 29, 2018

My disclaimer is, I’m testing the ephedra levels on the floor. It is present. I am able to sleep, but it is influencing me. For instance, this morning I had a rapid heartbeat when I first woke up. I was much angrier yesterday than I might have normally been.

A steam cleaner doesn’t get it out of the carpet. It might, if it steamed the carpet with nail polish remover. I’m going to be testing nail polish remove to remove ephedra, not on the carpet but on some objects. A few years ago I tried, and failed, to wash ephedra off a hard, nonporous object, the underside of the feet of a chair that had been on the severely contaminated carpet of a former apartment. It did not come off even after I washed and wiped those chair feet over and over. Minuscule amounts trigger a reaction, so if only a few molecules remain to go through the skin, I feel it.

Anyway, so, that being said, I am currently under the influence of molecular quantities of a mind-altering drug that is going through my skin.

I want to remove the carpet and cover the floor with vinyl, then cover that with soil, actual soil, which is removable. I would grow moss on any places that received a small amount of light. All of that could be easily thrown away and replaced for free. Its purpose is to be a disposable floor and make ongoing prevention of contamination possible.

The Edward Snowden phenomenon: I think he did what he did under the influence of his seizure medications. While most of the time, people do horrible things because of their loss of inhibitions from taking things like antidepressants, in the case of Edward Snowden it resulted in a loss of inhibition about doing *good* things. He probably was naturally inclined to remain silent, but had the courage to reveal everything because of his drugs.

With me, I’m inclined to not judge anyone and not feel strong feelings or have strong judgments, except under the influence of drugs. I could feel yesterday that the ephedra made me have confidence at strongly judging my neighbor when I would normally be weaker. Under the influence of drugs, I feel emotions very strongly, and I trust and believe my observations. But this can cause delusional beliefs.

I’m testing the carpet ephedra by walking around barefoot when I normally wore socks every time I touched the floor. Ephedra came from Asia, and all of the Asian housemates from previous apartments would wear sandals indoors, perfectionistically and ritualistically, without fail, without exception, as though an entire culture had been traumatized exactly the way I was, billions of Asians. They change shoes at every transition: remove shoes before you enter the house, and immediately step into your indoor shoes at the doorway. Some Asian students in the apartment buildings would even leave their shoes outside the apartment doors in the hallways. This is strict decontamination protocol.

I completely, totally *recognize* and understand this behavior after my experiences. It began in 2008 and is not yet gone in 2018. Decades of trauma, hundreds of thousands of dollars of material belongings destroyed, lifetimes ruined utterly, by ephedra footprints on the floor, and hundreds of millions, or billions, of Asians know about it, culturally, even if they can’t remember or explain.

Yesterday I think my cat was lying on a particular box that I put under the house because I moved all my stuff off the floor to clean the carpets.

The carpets are visibly clean now, without gross filth and heavy soil from the deer urine and the lime dust. The deer died months ago but I never cleaned it up. That at least is gone.

But that’s where I think he was, because I found him there once later in the day. But I still strongly distrust and dislike my neighbor. The creepy vibes are very intense. Last night, in the middle of the night, I woke up (was forced awake) and heard thumping and screaming inside his trailer. He had been making occasional thumps while sitting outside on the opposite side of his house, and had had a fire going in the fire ring. But there was more thumping, more rhythmically, not as fast as you’re imagining (not at the speed of someone, say, having sex and thumping the bed against the wall), but with intervals of a few seconds. Thump. Scream. Thump. Scream. Thump. Scream. I heard this in the dark of night while I laid in bed. I did not walk over there to get closer so that I could interpret the sound. The scream was a high pitched noise that could have had some other source which I was not interpreting correctly. I just laid in bed, frozen.

A magician has many magic doorways into magic storage compartments. I’ll have to ask him about his bumper sticker during our next conversation. You’re a magician? I *love* magicians! They’re as much fun as clowns! I love clowns too! Do you like making kids disappear?

I will just try to interpret the thump-screaming next time I hear it.

It would be nice if I had friends who were cops, like he does. I’d like to be friends with the non-corrupt cops who have good ethics and haven’t been destroyed. The entire culture destroys the ethics of the cops. This was illustrated in a movie we watched when I was in WV with Dad, but I forget the name, maybe "Crash?" "A car crash brings together several characters…" It was ESFJ, Alpha Quadra. It was a movie about cops, and racism, and trying to stay ethical in bad conditions. I’d like some honest cops, honest fire marshals and honest firefighters, honest detectives, and honest military to be my friends.

Full disclosure: The Alliance talked about by David Wilcock and Corey Goode, a group of people who want full disclosure of suppressed technologies – we may have to reform this group – we may have to presume all of them were lost in the operation they were doing, if nobody has heard from them. I have no idea the nature of the operation. I understood it to be a military operation. All of them might be missing in action. It would be nice to hear a word or two from them.

Pizzagate lives, right next door to me.

Jacob showed up

June 28, 2018

I went out to get food and calm down, and I went to a nearby greenhouse I had seen the other day. I bought zinnias. I know nothing about zinnias. I got home and Jacob was here.

Magic is a tricky business. I’m doxxing this piece of fecal material

June 28, 2018

I just drove out to get some food and get away. On the way out I saw his bumper sticker says "Magic is a tricky business." This is as good as a confession. He should have a bumper sticker that says "I use my truck to make kids disappear." His truck isn’t here, this is a regular car. I’m gonna photograph that bumper sticker along with the license plate and post it on my blog. He needs to give me back my cat and never come to this campground again. Right now, alive and unharmed.

Jacob went missing today and the guy who moved in next door has all the hallmarks of a disgusting scumbag moron

June 28, 2018

This is a different guy who moved in next door, not the people I said I liked a few days ago. This guy showed up maybe the day before yesterday, his name is Ron, he has creepy vibes, he talks about having conversations with fire marshals, he’s fascinated with fire, he knows facts about fire, he said when Jodi’s cabin burned down it was caused by something electrical that was making popping sounds, he said the fire marshal found a light bulb on the floor and he told me light bulbs point towards the hottest part of the fire, he said he wasn’t sure why light bulbs do that but he went out today and came back and told me more info (this was so important to him, to know more facts about fire, that he had to go immediately and find out more after our conversation yesterday), I told him that people had opened my door and let the cat out after he told me somebody broke into his truck in Texas, he’s a truck driver, he has been coming to this campground for several years and was present when Jodi’s cabin burned down, he "helped rescue" one of Jodi’s dogs, he has a drone which he went out with today, he said it was a "ghost" when I insisted that someone had opened the door and let the cat out, he acted all shocked and disbelieving like "That cannot be possible!", appalled at the very idea that anyone in this campground would ever go into my house when the door was unlocked, he does activities with church youth groups – basically, every single thing is screaming perpetrator, and Jacob disappeared this morning after I conversed with Ron last night and mentioned Jacob being let out. I went all over whistling for Jacob and he didn’t come. I told Ron just now Jacob was missing, and he said Jacob would come back when he was ready, and I said, "He’s ready to come back RIGHT NOW. He *never* wanders off."

If I went to jail for attacking this person, as long as I did no permanent or lethal injuries, it might be worth it. I’ll see if Jacob shows up.

People who love fires and are buddies with police officers and fire marshals, and who also drive a truck, and who also hang out with church youth groups, who also express appallment at the mere suggestion that any human would *ever* do something to harass another human and therefore it must be "a ghost," are not good people. I have some free, legal, nonlethal, primitive attack weapons available that I wouldn’t mind using.

He has to play a game and pretend he doesn’t know where Jacob is for a period of time.

Of course, like they all do, he invited me to hang out with him when we conversed yesterday. Donnie did the same thing, and I never went over, and Donnie is the suspect of most of the previous attacks.

I don’t know what type these people are, although I do have a theory about which type they are, which I will keep to myself. Donnie is not the same type as Ron. I just don’t know for sure. The lunatic who almost murdered me at the rest stop in WV seemed like the same type as Ron, except angrier. He was very similar, had committed arson, and was a firefighter. He had said he almost died from a sudden unexpected heart failure, and he had a heart condition that he told me about but I forgot.

I just saw Ron walking back out with his drone. I looked at him through the window and felt a very intense emotion of guilt, shame, regret, worthlessness, vulnerability, weakness, patheticness, and helplessness, associated with the sight of him.

The paragraph command isn’t working

June 27, 2018

I’m going to have to go look again and find out how to tell it to make paragraphs when I send it through a text message.

The carpet’s been cleaned – what’s the next project?

June 27, 2018
He used a steam extractor. I don’t know how bad the ephedra will be – I assume it takes more than that to get rid of ephedra – but the deer urine and lime is gone. I’m going to test it over the next few days and observe how bad the ephedra is. I’m just going to assume it’s still there and I’ll still react to it. I’m waiting for the carpet to dry. Right now I’m taking my neighbor Jodi to the vet because her dog is acting like it hurts when she touches him on the side. I didn’t see him do it, but he was too distracted by riding in the car. We passed a greenhouse on the way over here and I thought I wanted to go in. I have ten million more projects after this carpet. This is only the beginning. I need to decontaminate the stuff in the storage unit and gradually sort through it and get it out of there, and get rid of stuff. I have to make the kitchen usable. I have to open up all the bags of camping stuff, dry it out, and pack it into a small space. Meanwhile, for my own happiness, I’ll be collecting plants too. I don’t know if my hackberry tree seeds shipped yet, but I found two hackberry trees at Tudek Park, so I don’t really need seeds now. They have unusual bark, described as looking like the Grand Canyon. I saw what they meant. The canyons are all layered in cork.

I don’t know which task will get priority first. Hopefully the kitchen. I want so badly to make special food again! I have so many things I want to cook, things I can’t find at Burger King. I have leafy greens to cook! Fish sauce, organ meats, and so on. In the long run, I will go to forage at the beach, too, and get wild crabs and all that.

27 June, 2018 15:40

June 27, 2018
Title The carpet’s been cleaned – what’s the next project?] He used a steam extractor. I don’t know how bad the ephedra will be – I assume it takes more than that to get rid of ephedra – but the deer urine and lime is gone. I’m going to test it over the next few days and observe how bad the ephedra is. I’m just going to assume it’s still there and I’ll still react to it. I’m waiting for the carpet to dry. Right now I’m taking my neighbor Jodi to the vet because her dog is acting like it hurts when she touches him on the side. I didn’t see him do it, but he was too distracted by riding in the car. We passed a greenhouse on the way over here and I thought I wanted to go in. I have ten million more projects after this carpet. This is only the beginning. I need to decontaminate the stuff in the storage unit and gradually sort through it and get it out of there, and get rid of stuff. I have to make the kitchen usable. I have to open up all the bags of camping stuff, dry it out, and pack it into a small space. Meanwhile, for my own happiness, I’ll be collecting plants too. I don’t know if my hackberry tree seeds shipped yet, but I found two hackberry trees at Tudek Park, so I don’t really need seeds now. They have unusual bark, described as looking like the Grand Canyon. I saw what they meant. The canyons are all layered in cork.

I don’t know which task will get priority first. Hopefully the kitchen. I want so badly to make special food again! I have so many things I want to cook, things I can’t find at Burger King. I have leafy greens to cook! Fish sauce, organ meats, and so on. In the long run, I will go to forage at the beach, too, and get wild crabs and all that.

I really love this place

June 27, 2018

My trailer is really beautiful. I’m cleaning it. It’s covered in lime dust from vacuuming. The carpet cleaners are on the way now. I love the wooden cabinets and just everything about it. I’ve had it buried in more and more junk all this time. But now I can see it. I’m nowhere near done – all my junk needs a place to go, and the lime needs dusted. But it’s beautiful.

Waking up and getting ready for the carpet cleaning; I have been lonely again and want real conversations

June 27, 2018

I have to remove the cardboard I have lying all over the floor, and then vacuum. Jacob won’t like the vacuum, and I’m sure he won’t like the professional carpet cleaners later in the day. He will need to go outside.

I have been feeling lonely. I haven’t gone to any meetup groups or meditations for many weeks. But even those are not really what I want. I want to be able to interact with other human beings, not just go to a group activity where every person is alone in their little world, but in the same room together.

It’s hard to explain how I want to interact. I want my mind to be challenged by the interaction. I like psychological discussions, but it’s hard to explain what those are, sort of a "Why do you do X?" type of discussion.

I need some of my beliefs challenged, but not all of them, and not necessarily the most obvious ones. Maybe more like, "Couldn’t you put a higher priority on X and start doing it now instead of postponing it?" There are many projects I’m postponing. Of course, I’m doing the carpet cleaning before everything else.

Other beliefs that need challenged are the manifestations of learned helplessness that I’ve picked up from mind control. But I don’t know exactly what those assumptions are. Sometimes you can’t even know what they are until you experience them ("I forgot it was possible to sleep twelve hours straight without waking up even once," that kind of thing).

I have to do a lot of work today so the carpet can be cleaned tomorrow

June 26, 2018

For the past few days I’ve been very slowly doing a few small tasks each day, taking vivarin and keeping score of the points for each small task ("moved object X from point A to point B – 1pt"). I now have the floor mostly cleared off. I still have to remove a few bags today, and then remove the cardboard and vacuum the lime powder. It’s going to be a lot of work. Each of those tasks has multiple parts, and each of those small parts costs points, energy used.

I’m focused on just this one thing. After the carpet is done, I will have to focus on a few more tasks.

I haven’t been blogging as much because of my video game keeping me entertained when I’m resting.

I love my trailer and I love my electric scooter. The seat is bad: it causes hip joint displacement. It needs to be a flat, regular chair instead of a bike-style seat that has a support going between the legs. That support puts pressure onto the pelvis from the middle, causing the entire pelvis to droop down on each side while being pushed up in the middle, and making the hips and legs turned in an unnatural direction. I didn’t just make this up. I actually feel it. I can’t walk after I get off the scooter seat after riding it. I rode it today because I’ve moved it outside to make room on the carpet.

After I get this done, I can focus on ten million other projects.

What I mean when I say this blog isn’t search engine optimized; if I ever wrote about a particular real topic it would be electronic weapons and mind control

June 24, 2018

I get a ton of people attempting to look at this blog every day. A few years ago google made a change so that, for privacy reasons, it would no longer inform blog stats about what search terms you used to find the site. So I have no idea what people are searching for when they find my blog.

For some reason, there are *a few* search terms that it’s allowed to show me that people were looking for. But I almost never know anymore. I could in the past, but now I can only guess, or take polls and surveys, as if people would want to waste their time telling me.

Huge numbers of searches find the main homepage of the blog. When you find that, it’s ever-changing, and the search term or phrase is almost never there anymore, it was there a few weeks ago when google indexed the page. It doesn’t direct you to the specific blog post that had that phrase.

Some of the time, people do find exactly what they’re looking for, usually if it’s right in the title. I have a few posts that people have found and the subject that I’m talking about is in the title. Usually I just make a vague title like "I had a bad day" or something because I’m not talking about any particular subject. But for some of the most popular posts, which people are finding, strangers on the internet, it’ll be one of my posts *about something*, like "at-home dental filling removal," for example.

Many of those sorts of posts are now very outdated. Some of my opinions and experiences have slightly changed or I’ve learned new things. Many were written under the influence of, not usually drugs, but transdermal drug residues in my house that I’ve been cleaning up for the past ten years. St. John’s Wort especially, and to a lesser extent, ginseng, causes me to write about sexual topics or taboo topics, which are often very popular and trigger a lot of discussion and responses, but that’s not how I want to be perceived ("Nicole is that blogger who talks about male sex slaves!").

I have made every effort over these past few decades to troubleshoot the triggers of my moods. I have succeeded – I now know how to prevent sexual arousal most of the time. I now believe that humans are just like most animals: they’re only sexually aroused during ovulation. I now believe, based on my own experiences, that the overwhelming majority of sexual arousal is caused by artificial substances that we wouldn’t be exposed to in the wild, such as bovine growth hormone in milk, synthetic hormones given to fish who produce caviar, or drugs we’re using, which includes the residues of drugs that end up going through our skin, especially tobacco, a very common trigger for long-lasting and frequent sexual arousal and violence.

I avoid most of those things now, and so the few blog posts that were really popular and triggered a lot of discussions or had high stats are things that I don’t really want to talk about all the time. Even something I really believe in, like long hair for both men and women, can be a topic that I don’t always want to talk about except when I’m under the influence of drug residues, and it only takes extremely small amounts to trigger it.

There’s a difference between just writing a blog about something, versus taking practical actions to get that thing done in the real world. There are actually practical actions I can take with regard to the issues that matter to me. I need to build an intentional community.

There has never been a single man who did what I told him to do with his hair in all my 43 years of life. Some man might have followed the incomplete instructions ("grow your hair long") for a brief moment in time, but the complete instructions include things like "grow your hair long, even if you are bald on top, even if you don’t think the results ‘look good,’ even if nobody ever compliments you, even if you don’t end up getting laid more often, even if I specifically don’t end up having sex with you and never do," and so on. I have an entire book’s worth of teachings on the growing of long hair that nobody has ever obeyed. It has to be so disconnected from me personally that people would continue to do it even after I died. It is intended to be a permanent way of life for infinitely large groups of people for eternity.

If I want to make that happen, I can write blogs about it, or I can do something about it. I haven’t forgotten that issue. It’s just that the issue of my own existence is most urgent to me all of the time. I have to do things like clean up the floor of this RV, which has been rescheduled to happen this Wednesday.

I’m also doing things and not really talking about them a lot. I went into the woods and I found something called spicebush, a native plant I had only seen at the botanical garden. It’s very similar to sassafras, so similar that I could almost think they were just small sassafras trees that for some reason didn’t have any "mittens" on the leaves. The growth pattern and overall appearance is exactly the same. They’re in the same family of plants. I had wanted that plant, and I had been thinking of finding a way to buy it somewhere. Now I don’t have to.

I found several hackberry trees at Tudek Park yesterday, a park which is also sort of an arboretum and which has a butterfly garden. I’ve already ordered hackberry seeds because I want to plant them: they are a valuable food source from a native plant. The hackberry tree belongs in a permaculture food forest.

But now I know where I can get an infinite supply of hackberry, if I plant the seeds or try to root cuttings. I’ve tried to root a few cuttings of other things that all died, mostly, but I did them badly and have never rooted cuttings before. I prefer seeds, or else uprooted adult plants, not "cuttings."

Anyway, about this blog not being search engine optimized, it’s because I am not specifically, deliberately seeking to find a particular audience and talk to them about a particular thing. I have a tiny handful of friends and family and previous boyfriends and acquaintances, along with a handful of people who know me only over the internet, who read my blog regularly (they scan it quickly to get an impression of what’s going on). Nobody is physically capable of actually reading every word of this blog. It isn’t designed to be a high density informative piece of writing that the audience will feel driven to eat up every word of because it’s exactly the information they are seeking. To create such a piece of writing requires a conscious effort, which I do not put into this blog.

This blog is only my way of venting, or comforting myself. But I am comforted knowing a tiny handful of people quickly skim it to make sure I’m alive.

Also, I don’t have a decent internet connection, so I can only thumb type on my phone, which means lower quality posts. On a laptop with a mouse and keyboard, I could do actual research, make references to other pages, and have several tabs open on the browser.

It’s easier to write a researched book about electronic weapons and shielding, for example, with a real computer and a good internet connection. That’s an important issue I intend to write about someday. I feel that my perspective, my voice on that issue, is *desperately*, desperately needed, because of the horrific quality of the fear porn and horror porn that is currently available about this topic. Hey look! I’m researching mind control, and all I can find are pages with pictures of monkeys with their skulls cut open and wires inserted into their brains!

The tone of voice in which almost all TIs, Targeted Individuals, write is so extremely negative and so extremely miserable it is intolerably sickening to read, the type of reading material that makes you just want to kill yourself. I feel that I am a desperately needed alternative in that area, someone who doesn’t make you feel like there is no hope and nothing but misery and evil everywhere in the world. I am able to write about the topic of mind control without making people feel like they need to die. So I do eventually have a real topic to write about that I know for sure is desperately needed in print and on the internet.

But first I have to deal with my real life, cleaning up this mess.

I like the people who just pulled up in the next lot

June 22, 2018
I’m hearing them talking to each other as they set up. The music of their voices is very pleasant. It’s a mother, father, and at least one child of unknown gender (all kids have high-medium pitched voices and I haven’t looked at them yet, I’m just hearing them through the window).

Well, the people where he works didn’t say anything strange

June 22, 2018
I called and asked if he works tonight, and they said yes. They didn’t say, “I’m sorry nobody told you, but he passed away a few weeks ago.” They spoke of him in a normal tone of voice. So I’m guessing he’s just doing his own thing.

I don’t know how that sent, but I wasn’t done

June 22, 2018
I accidentally sent that. Anyway, progress bars are good, and spinning circles are bad. In the old days, computers knew how much there was of something, and they knew what fraction of it you had completed so far. Now, they act like they have no idea how much there is and how far along you are, so they show a spinning circle. Even though the amount of time a progress bar takes is variable, and it may stick at one spot for a long time, it’s still much better than a meaningless circle that gives you no information at all.

Well, I googled him and found out I missed his birthday

June 22, 2018
I never remember birthdays, but it turns out that right on or around the very day when I suddenly started to have “strange uneasiness” about him, it was his birthday. I didn’t finish googling yet. I’m just looking to see if he’s dead. I found a site that collects data about people, but didn’t actually sign up to receive the report. I just watched all the little progress bars on all the sections filling out to 100%. It was silly to wait on the edge of my seat for the progress bars to complete, because I knew at the end I wouldn’t get the report, but still, it’s satisfying to watch a progress bar, whereas it’s frustrating and annoying to watch a spinning circle that shows no progress,

still vaguely uneasy about losing people

June 22, 2018
I’m still making some sporadic efforts to reach Eric and haven’t gotten a response yet. He’s eleven years older, if I recall, so he’s 54. Nobody would know to call me if anything happened to him. He lives on the other end of town and I sort of remember where the house is. He had a girlfriend or housemate or something for a long time and was still just working at his good job where I met him, as the baker at Giant, where he got paid enough money to live a slightly borderline decent life. He would sometimes randomly comment on here, but stopped commenting, didn’t answer an email, a text, a call, or a blog shoutout. I’ve gone to visit him at work before, overnight, and I could even try that. I just want to know what’s happening to the extremely small number of people who know me, and also, Dad might be getting heart surgery soon. If I start losing the tiny number of people who know me, I’m going to have to try to find more people, and that is very hard to do. It’s possible to get lots of superficial interactions, but not many where somebody knows my whole story and doesn’t have to be told all the FAQs from the beginning.

Lately I’ve been feeling anxiety about losing the few people who know I exist; I loathe the scum who surround me on this earth

June 21, 2018

My dad is possibly going to get heart surgery. I don’t know when.

I write this blog, and there are a tiny number of people who know that I do. I have told a few friends and family. If someone searches for my name they can find my twitter profile, which has a link to this. I actually hate the style of the wordpress website and hate that this is a mess and isn’t search engine optimized. But fixing it would be a huge project, and I don’t have the internet at home right now.

There are extremely few people I trust. Many people are human scum, and a lot of human scum live in the trailer park where I am right now. Yesterday I had my door open, which I’ve done a lot, always when I’m inside the house, to let Jacob come and go freely, since I don’t have a cat door, and building one would be a project. The cat door cannot be put on the actual door, because the scum of this trailer park might reach through it and open my locked door somehow.

I went into the woods, thinking it would be brief, but I wandered and was gone a long time.

My field guide slipped out of my pocket, on the first day I had it, which was annoying. I had on cargo pants with some big button pockets on the sides of the legs, but the field guide was just an inch too big, and so I didn’t close the pocket, and since I was using it I didn’t want it buttoned inside, although I had stopped using it when I was coming back down the hill to go back home, which is when it slipped out. I think it might be by the big tree stump, where I suddenly squatted because a toad jumped out and I wanted to look at it. That would have put my pants pockets at an angle where the book could slide out.

I’m just ordering another copy of the book, although I might go retrace my steps and look for it anyway. But it’s ordered.

When I got home I saw the cat food bowls were nearly empty, because Kittles had been there. She is a stray cat who eats much more than Jacob. Jacob is hugely obese, but Kittles is small and skinny and eats a ton. Jacob doesn’t eat much at all compared to her. If Kittles eats the food, the entire bowl is nearly empty. This is one of the millions of examples of how obesity is not caused by and not correlated with overeating. A fat person can eat nothing but lettuce and get fat, while a thin person can eat whole pizzas daily with no effect.

So I went to fill the cat bowl, and saw that the moronic human scum had come into the house, ripped the bag all the way open, and maybe took a bunch of cat food. I remember feeling like I didn’t need to go to the store to get more cat food anytime soon, but suddenly it was almost empty. They were dumb enough to even rip the bag. It’s one of those horrible bags by One Smartblend or whatever brand, which is impossible to open. I opened it badly with a knife, and it was hard to pour out. They ripped it all the way across. And no, Kittles didn’t do that. It’s made of a material that is extremely hard to tear or cut.

I just hate and loathe the masses of worthless, evil, stupid human scum that surround me in the world. I want to live in an intentional community. How do you create people who have extremely strong norms against stealing? Even religion has failed, despite thousands of years of yelling at us "Thou shalt not steal!" Did that method work? Nope, obviously not at all.

I had extremely strong norms growing up, about money, until I was afflicted with an illness I had no control over through no fault of my own which is incurable. I used to think that all the worthless scum needed to do was go on a diet and get a job. Yeah, many of the people around me are fat or at least slightly heavy.

But being the victim of an incurable illness that mainstream medicine says doesn’t exist, and has no cure for, which made it hard for me to work, made me no longer say that the solution is for everyone to just simply get a job. I no longer believe in the rightness of "jobs" or the rightness of our money system. We need independence, not dependence on a global provider of printed papers (money). The money system, in combination with the land ownership system, is what causes poverty. Independence cures poverty.

I also know diets don’t fix obesity. I’ve known that for decades, since I was a teenager, which is when I started researching obesity and reading books about it.

Worthless scum – you don’t walk into someone’s house and steal things even if the house is left unlocked and unattended for months. You just don’t do that at all. I am not part of the same universe that these morons are living in.

I really don’t even feel like talking about it right now. But seriously, how do you program people very, very strongly not to steal and not to be mentally retarded at such a basic level?