Archive for May, 2015

I mostly rested today

May 31, 2015

8:47 PM 5/31/2015

I took a rest today – no caffeine pills, although I used a small amount of caffeine, drinking the last little bit of the Coke and a little bit of decaf instant coffee, which I bought today. So I continued troubleshooting in the MASM forum because there was this one exercise that I couldn’t get to work, from the Art of Assembly Language book. I was non-verbose today, so I had a much higher signal to noise ratio. When I was talking there after using the caffeine pill, I just talked and talked and talked, the way I do in my blog.

My body is in pain, probably because it’s been raining and
thunderstorming. It’s extremely hard for me to quit the caffeine when my body hurts.

I got the program to work because while I was lying in bed today, the voices in my head told me that I wasn’t hearing the sound I was supposed to hear from the program because I had the sound muted on ‘system sounds,’ even though I had un-muted the main sound control. I had forgotten that I usually had the system sounds on mute all the time, while still letting it play other sounds like from videos. I didn’t mention on the forum that the voices in my head are the reason why it suddenly occurred to me to try un-muting the system sounds in the sound mixer.

It was just a trival program trying to make it go ‘beep.’ I had all these people trying to give suggestions, and I tried their code and it still didn’t work, and I made some changes to my own computer, getting an update of MASM, the assembly language compiler (or whatever it’s called).

If I keep using caffeine pills, I will be able to study coding. I’ll probably continue using the Art of Assembly book, even though the people in the forum told me that HLA (the program used in that book) isn’t being used anymore. HLA translates my code to MASM, so I am actually using MASM, just indirectly. It’s a teaching tool designed to make it easier to learn assembly.

In reality, I would have less fear of screwing something up if only I had all my data on my computer backed up, and had a way to reinstall the operating system – I’d love to do a total system cleanup and find out how to install Windows 7 the way I used to always install Windows 98.

But I have no CD drive on this netbook, and I also don’t have a separate CD drive that I can hook up, because I haven’t had any money lately. I actually hate CDs – they are unreliable, they screw up, they don’t work – I remember over and over again burning a CD only to have it fail. I always made sure to test them and make sure it worked before deleting anything off my computer, because a very large percentage of the time it would just fail to burn or it would do something that caused it to not work. And they are SO EASY to scratch. Good old fashioned floppy disks didn’t fail all the time! I just wanted a disk-like thing, not a CD. I could use a zip drive if those things even still exist.

This is one of those situations where they promise us that some newly invented technology is going to be awesome, but instead it totally totally sucks, yet we’re all forced to use it because there is no alternative and it’s universal now. CDs were advertised as being perfect and indestructible, never scratching, and even if they did scratch, according to the theory that we were told, the data would still be readable ‘because it was digital,’ and it was coded in ones and zeros, and there’s no way you can mis-read a one or a zero, therefore they were totally indestructible and un-scratchable and nothing, nothing would ever cause the data on a CD to be worn off or scratched or changed or unreadable. That’s what we were told – I remember. This turned out to be a huge crock of shit. There have been many, many times when I would have preferred to have to cram a bunch of huge files onto a dozen 5 1/4 hard floppy disks than burn it onto a CD.

Jesse is in Washington. I don’t have the money to go to him. I haven’t gotten my latest paycheck yet, and don’t know how long this temp job will last. I need to either improve the temp jobs that I am doing, or else just go back to a minimum wage permanent slave job, because the temp jobs are no better than the slave jobs. I’m just doing the same types of things, except doing them for only a short time and then doing something else, thereby making it impossible to get into a routine.

If I do continue studying the Art of Assembly book, I might need to go all the way back to the beginning, because it’s been months and months and I have forgotten everything. I have forgotten all the
explanations of the registers, of binary, of hexadecimals, all that. Again, it all depends on how long I continue using various drugs, whether it be ginseng, St. John’s Wort, or caffeine pills. If I stop those things then I will function at a much lower level and spend a huge amount of time sleeping due to chronic fatigue.

I keep coming back to thinking of how I can get to Jesse. I don’t want him to regret being in the army and I don’t want him to be alone.

I need a safe computer simulation so I can learn assembly language

May 31, 2015

10:13 AM 5/31/2015

So now I’m studying assembly language – kind of – actually I haven’t gotten around to it yet, I’m still reading various things and installing things and working out some technical difficulties so I can interact with the forum that I joined.

But it occurs to me: the people who learned assembly language in the past learned it very differently than we must learn it today. They learned it by using computers that were much simpler. Then, over the decades, they learned more and more as computers developed. They didn’t learn everything they know now all at once, or in the beginning.

So, what I need is a ‘safe computer simulator’ upon which to learn ASM. The computer simulator pretends to be an ancient DOS computer with a green screen display. No matter what I do, I cannot harm this computer or any real computer by typing commands into it and talking to it the way they did years ago. It would behave exactly like an old fashioned computer, with the good, and the bad, everything exactly like it was. It’s a computer within a computer, but it’s completely enclosed, so that I cannot possibly do anything wrong that will actually harm the real computer. Nothing that I say or do inside the simulation ever gets outside the simulation to control the real processor directly.

Then, as you learn the simplest commands on the old green screen, the simulation gradually adds new things, as though it’s being invented all over again. Great, now we have expanded chips that are able to do more than the old chips, and you don’t have to worry about this or that anymore. Except this development is all accelerated, so it happens during the months or years of your studying, instead of the decades that it took to really happen.

The simulator must be totally protected against making mistakes or damaging anything for real. You can give it gibberish, and it even pretends to crash and shut down and lock up, but in reality, outside the simulation, your real computer is working fine. It’s only PRETENDING to crash. You can pretend to format your entire hard drive within the simulation, and it will give you simulated feedback as though you did, but nothing actually happened.

Old computers were so small, in terms of memory being used and processor use, that it would be perfectly easy to completely simulate the entire thing in its own little world, within a modern computer. It’s just a computer within a computer, which behaves EXACTLY like a real, old, computer, down to the smallest detail, with all the hardware and everything, not merely a chip, but everything the real computer would have had. You could write drivers for this imaginary hardware.

But the point is, no matter what you do in there, you can do no harm. Nothing, NOTHING escapes from the simulation to affect your real computer.

That would be a great way to learn assembly language, knowing that I couldn’t hurt anything, that whatever I did, it could be fixed, and I could just fool around doing things and testing things.

Nowadays, if you just start sending a bunch of commands to the processor, it will either totally ignore you and won’t let you do ANYTHING, or else you will screw something up, because there are so many things that can go wrong, and you have no idea what you’re doing.

cream line on the milk

May 31, 2015

I went to the farmer’s market in town. I don’t usually go there, but have gone a couple times recently and tried the raw milk again. I would have gone all the time if I had a car and could get to town easily. It’s easy now because I’m already working at a job nearby, and I go there when I get out of work.

When I first drank the milk, it was like drinking a bowl of ice cream. I didn’t realize that there was cream on the top. I noticed it today and took a picture of it, or tried to, but there isn’t enough contrast, and it isn’t in a clear glass container, it’s in a cloudy white one, so you can’t see it. I put blue dots on the image but you still can’t really see it.

ginseng

May 30, 2015

I just took one of the ginseng pills, which I have had sitting around for quite a while now. I have two different bottles. One contains only Korean ginseng. The other bottle, I bought first, because at that particular store on that particular day, nothing else was available on the shelf, so I got some things that I didn’t necessarily want – I don’t like pills that have more than one ingredient, because I cannot troubleshoot the cause of my symptoms.

I seem to react more strongly to the multi-ingredient ginseng pill than I do to the pure Korean ginseng one. The multi-ingredient pill is called ‘Ginseng Complex plus Royal Jelly.’ It contains: vitamin B-12 (as cyanocobalamin), panax ginseng extract, American ginseng extract, Chinese red ginseng extract, royal jelly concentrate.

Then it contains the usual bunch of inactive ingredients – rice flour, gelatin, mannitol, silica, vegetable magnesium stearate.

That kind of thing was another reason why I chose to grow my own St. John’s Wort and other herbs, years ago. I was able to identify exactly which ingredient was causing my symptoms, because I didn’t mix things together.

Anyway, this pill makes me smarter. A little while after taking it, I am able to focus better on the computer stuff that I am studying. I started getting the urge to study assembly language again now that I’m taking vivarin caffeine pills, and now that I took the ginseng pill too, my brain is even more able to focus on it and understand it.

That is why I say this kind of thing is unsustainable. If I cannot use this thinking style when I am completely drug-free, then it is unsustainable, because I have every intention of being completely drug-free in the future. When I am completely drug free, I lack the focus, and also the desire, to learn about computers.

However, I haven’t been 100% caffeine-free for long periods of time, ever since I started caffeine in 1998 or whenever it was that I first started drinking it. I’ve had only brief periods of withdrawal which only lasted a few weeks. So I don’t know how my brain behaves when it is completely 100% recovered from long term caffeine overuse. I might be capable of learning again if I did that.

I really don’t like it that I have to take drugs just so that I can function at a level which is slightly closer to the level that everybody else functions at all the time, by default. I believe that my Weston Price skull deformities do affect the functioning of my brain enough that I could not completely develop. My body is not optimal. That is why I care so much about the deformities and about protecting future generations from them – they affect your whole life, and they cannot be undone.

I’m remembering an example in the Weston Price book where a guy was ‘Mongoloid,’ retarded, I don’t know the politically correct word. He had the typical deformities characteristic of this type. Weston Price gave this guy a palate spreader device, which enlarged the roof of his mouth. When he did that, the guy suddenly became smarter, because his pituitary gland had been crushed inside of his too-small misshapen skull, and the pituitary could not completely develop. (According to the theory.) However, he also began having other problems with sex. Another theory might be that the metal or plastic in the device itself caused reactions, because I myself reacted to my orthodontic braces and retainer. But his theory was that enlarging the palate of the mouth gave the brain a little bit more room to grow, and the pituitary developed some more.

He also observed that the criminals in society almost invariably had more severe skull and facial deformities. I myself have observed that homosexuals almost always have severe facial deformities that are recognizable, so that somebody ‘looks gay,’ and they have a lisp, a REAL lisp, not a fake one that somebody puts on to seem gay. That’s how the lisp became associated with gays in the first place, because it’s real and because it’s caused by face, mouth, and skull
deformities which are the cause of homosexuality.

Anyway, today I’m on the multi-ingredient ginseng pill.

accidental flamethrowing

May 30, 2015

9:36 AM 5/30/2015

I’ve been consistently using the Vivarin caffeine pill every morning to help me get up early enough for work, and I am not noticing any encephalitis-like symptoms. I do seem to be getting better and having fewer bad reactions to unhealthy stressful things. So, maybe I will survive.

However, the Vivarin has side effects. It causes me to be irritable. I have started doing things like flaming people in comments online, which I did by accident yesterday, and after I did it, I was horrified to realize that it might possibly have been a socionic supervision relationship, an asymmetrical relationship where one person has a greater power to hurt the other person and can put a lot of pressure on them.

These asymmetrical relations are often a source of bullying, where one person consistently hurts the other who can’t retaliate as easily, and when they do retaliate it seems lame. So I might have possibly flamed an LIE on the internet. I tried to kind of patch it up, but then went off on a giant rant, which didn’t help and probably made the situation worse.

I’ve also been spewing negativity elsewhere in comments, and people are disliking it. I am not usually this extremely negative. I’m sure it’s the Vivarin.

Also, now I am working on an unsustainable manic project – trying to learn computer programming again. As soon as I quit the Vivarin, that project will probably end. I cannot sustain the obsessive mental focus needed to program unless I am on drugs.

African smiley emoticons from Oju Africa are much better than Apple’s skin-tone smileys

May 29, 2015

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what race of alien

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So, I have a question. If you click on the ‘alien’ icon in the color-changing Apple icons, do you get to choose ‘Reptilian,’ ‘Small Grey,’ ‘Insectoid,’ ‘Tall White,’ and so on? (Similar question for the pile of poop, the devil, the video game alien, and the ghost. Is it a poltergeist, a full body apparition….? Deer poop, human poop, dog poop, bird poop?)

I’ve read some articles complaining about Apple’s icons, and I agree – they do suck, and it’s also non-user-friendly that you have to choose a color every single time you want to use an icon. Regardless of what it is, regardless of whether it’s something racial or not, it’s always annoying when you are forced to click something again and make another smaller, more specific choice each and every time you want to do something. One click before now takes two or three clicks and mouse movements or finger movements. That, in and of itself, is annoying, aside from all the racial meanings that other articles mentioned.

So I like the Oju Africa emojis. They jumped in and tweeted about how they’ve already created African emojis before Apple ever did, and so people started downloading the app. It is uniquely African, and the company is located in Africa. This is refreshing to see.

I’m amused by the ‘when yo credit score goin up’ image, which uses the Apple color-changing icons. People are going to be fooling around with the new colors for a while now until they get used to them.

Cellophane noodles made of mung beans, and Tom Kha soup

May 28, 2015
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8:13 PM 5/28/2015

Dinner today:

Cellophane noodles (made of nothing but mung beans and water, an Asian noodle which is clear and glittery and really does look like cellophane – trying them just as a grain alternative)

purple cabbage (turned the noodles blue and purple)

salmon caviar (I’m trying to use it up and not let it spoil. For some reason, this time around, I am finding the caviar to be slightly ‘yucky,’ even though I have really enjoyed it in the past, and I’m reluctant to eat it unless I have it mixed in with a bunch of other foods)

organic mango chunks

Tom Kha soup (really more like a soup base that you would add things to. It contains straw mushrooms and oyster mushrooms which are visible on the plate. It’s made from coconut milk and various Thai herbs)

organic ground pork

a little bit of ghee

I just tossed it all together and it looks a little sloppy, but I’m just glad to be eating a homemade dinner. I also ate another Burger King burger today, and also, I bought sushi during lunch, too. I had very little time to eat, which is yet another reason why I should bring food from home. I wolfed down ten little disks of sushi in about twelve minutes. I was really in a hurry.

Sushi is one of those things that could have potentially been a health food, except that I suspect it’s all coming from farmed fish. If it were made with very good quality fish, then it would be good. And also, good quality rice. I just got it because that’s what I craved when I saw it.

One more day of work, and then the weekend. I am doing a job with the most normal schedule there is, with evenings and weekends off. I am extremely tired, but it’s mostly from riding my bike, and also from using caffeine pills to wake up in the morning.

I am hoping to very soon try an *extremely microscopic* quantity of animal thyroid, with extreme caution. It will either 1. not work, or 2. work somewhat, but be so dangerous that I can’t stand to use it, so I will have to give it up even though it helps. One or the other. I’m not expecting that it will work and that I will also be able to tolerate it. But I must try anyhow. I just need enough money to order it.

(*Tom Kha Soup: coconut milk, water, oyster mushroom, lemon grass, galangal, sugar, straw mushroom, salt, fish sauce (anchovy fish, salt, sugar), lime juice, coriander, fresh red chilies, kaffir lime leaves, citric acid.*) I would really, really love to obtain authentic, traditional, primitive fish sauce made from clean wild caught fish, without any chemicals or anything at all added to it. There are many different fish sauces made in different cultures. I was reading about something made by the ancient Romans that I can’t remember the name of, but there are many others.

An unexpected danger of this meal: The noodles keep flopping off the fork and splashing into the broth, which splashed some hot, spicy, Tom Kha soup directly into my eye. Not good for my eye… but it tastes very good.

Sick, tired, grouchy, malfunctioning bicycle, no money for the bus to work, no new clothes… everything…

May 28, 2015

9:55 AM 5/28/2015

It’s a bad day. I’m sick and grouchy and tired, and the caffeine isn’t working anymore. And now, here at work, I drank tap water, which nauseates me – I always have to filter the water first if I drink tap water. I don’t know which chemical it is, maybe copper, maybe nickel (don’t know what the pipes are made of), but something in unfiltered tap water makes my stomach burn and get nauseated. Filtering it, even with just the cheapest Brita filter pitcher, works and prevents this burning and nausea.

So, being nauseated, I’m feeling even more irritable. I took a caffeine pill and just kept drinking coffee this morning, but was still dopey, slow, and sleepy, and was so reluctant to get up and move around that I was almost late for work.

I didn’t get to take a shower either last night or this morning, and that’s not the end of the world, but I am aware of my hair being greasy. You’d think I would stop worrying about that when I went several years with unwashed dreadlocks, but I’m insecure because I’m working in this new temp job with new people and I feel like I have to conform. I just plastered myself with more deodorant on top of the deodorant that was leftover from yesterday, which I never washed off because I was too tired to even take a shower after work last night. I don’t want to be wearing deodorant at all.

I also don’t have any clothes, and had so little money left that I could not even afford to go to the thrift store and buy a couple shirts and pants for like $2 each, that’s how little money I had left after suddenly deciding I had to have the thingamajig, the… the … sigh. I’m tired. The writing tablet so I could draw on the computer.

I drank coffee right before bed last night because my body was in pain, and that preventing me from sleeping really well. I think I was in pain yesterday because it was rainy. But I need to know why this happens. It’s one reason to experiment with a nightshade-free diet, but I am not 100% nightshade free yet, although I’m not eating a *lot* of them, it just might be sneaking in in the form of potato starch or something in various foods. And I was eating pizza things, little pizza pockets, junk food, from the microwave, which I bought for lunch the other day at work because nothing was ready yet. I’m just sort of fumbling and muddling along, and everything is disorganized as of now.

My right shoe keeps being magically untied by gremlins, and it keeps doing it over and over and over again, even though I double-knotted it after tying it the usual way. Maybe I am rubbing one foot against the other while sitting at this chair, and maybe I don’t normally spend a lot of time sitting in chairs because I don’t have a chair at home, and wouldn’t wear my shoes in the house if I did have a chair anyway. So I’m at my job, sitting in a chair, with my feet on the floor, and my feet are crossed in a certain way with the left one on top of the right one, in such a way that the left shoe is rubbing against the top of the right shoe’s laces, and I wiggle my feet sometimes, or tap the feet. Apparently, that activity is enough to attract gremlins. Gremlins love wiggly feet, and will grab them if you leave them hanging over the edge of the bed, too. Don’t ever let gremlins grab your feet from under the bed!

I’m going to have a lot of time on my hands, and I’m sick, nauseated, tired, and grouchy, so this blog might possibly become very long. I’m also overcaffeinated.

Another reason it’s a bad day: I didn’t have enough cash to even ride the bus. Yesterday, I spent the last of my money at Burger King down the street from work, buying a junior whopper with cheese, and I asked her to add bacon, but when I did that, it rejected my debit card, so I had to take off the bacon so I could reduce the price a few cents, and then I was able to buy it, leaving my bank account with something like 85 cents in it (the bacon must be $1). I could have given her a few coins manually, but that would have made it too complicated, so I just skipped the bacon.

So I couldn’t ride the bus, so I had to get up early enough, and have enough energy, to ride my bike to work, and it’s uphill almost the ENTIRE WAY. It’s nice to go downhill the whole way home, except for the last little bit of the way, but very hard to go to work.

My bike chain is all stiff and squeaky because it POURED rain yesterday. I tried to oil it, but didn’t have enough time to do a thorough job, so it was still squeaky as I went to work, and I got scared it would break, but it didn’t. It just made loud, scraping, squealing noises, and I was embarrassed if anybody nearby could hear me, all the people walking on the sidewalks. They’re walking in front of me, and pretending not to notice that my bike is slowly sneaking up behind them, going SCREEEE! ssssskkkweee! SCREE! SCREE! skish, skish, skish, with every pedal turn.

But I made it to work on time, and the chain didn’t break. My knees will be sore because I hurried up the hill.

I’m wearing clothes that are not really nice enough for work, a zippered sweatshirt over top of a loose t-shirt that Mary Jo gave to me. I want to avoid wearing the same clothes every day, so I’m going through what little I have, varying it, but that means sweatshirts because the air conditioner is constantly on here, and I will freeze to death, especially on a day when I didn’t sleep – not sleeping causes your body to have trouble controlling its temperature, and I read that someplace, and I know I’ve experienced it – I’m deathly, deathly cold on the days when I get too little sleep. I’ll be like, ‘Oh my gosh, why on earth am I SO COLD today?’ and then I’ll remember, ‘I didn’t sleep last night.’

At least it’s sunny outside, and also, last night before bed, Jesse called me on the phone and we talked for a while. And he explicitly said that if I wanted to come to Washington to try to be close to him, he was okay with that. I had asked him about it several times in the past, but he had been in the rejection phase and was not encouraging me to go there, and was saying that he wanted to ‘move on’ and not have me in his life anymore.

It really does seem to be connected with the fact that I no longer feel like I’m dying of rabies, because now he is talking to me again and welcoming me to come along with him. I had said several times that I really wanted to travel, and nothing could motivate me more strongly than wanting to follow him and go to a new place where I knew I would be close to someone I cared about. I’ve always wanted to travel, but I don’t care enough to prioritize it unless I have a very good reason to, and trying to be closer to Jesse is a good reason to go to Washington. I want to see the skyscraper trees. They have the cool weather rainforest over there. It’s those enormous gigantic trees that are a million years old.

They have a bunch of Indian reservations there too, and nature preserves, all right near Fort Lewis.

Jesse is now telling me that he regrets going into the army, and it absolutely breaks my heart to hear him say that. I wish, at the very least, that he could stubbornly be happy and thrilled about having done it, but no, he is telling the truth now and is not happy about it. It’s just that it was understandable. He needed to get out of the house, but wasn’t going to college or trade school. He has what might be described as learning disabilities, but in reality, he actually is able to learn a lot if the curriculum is properly designed – he did very well whenever he was studying for the ASVAB test and was doing an online learning course. So… he went to the army.

So he got out of the house, and at least he has a job for the next few years, and they provide his housing and food for him, although he says that people also want to get their own food too, so they are not always eating from the dining hall.

I understand why he felt like he had to do it. He was having trouble keeping a job. I could mention socionics and say that actually, the IEE personality type tends to be that way – they don’t like working for someone else. Other IEEs have said the same thing – they don’t want to be bossed around. A lot of them are entrepreneurs, doing their own business. We just didn’t have enough time together to start working on making our own business, but I was definitely trying to do that with him before he left, I just didn’t have a lot of free time after work and not much energy, and then, he left and so we couldn’t continue trying. But, we were trying, and I would have kept on trying.

So he lost a lot of jobs, one after the other. I can understand why he wanted to go to ‘a job that you can’t lose.’ If you try to leave the army, you go to jail, so he’s forced to stay, and even if he went to jail, that would be like having a house and food provided for you too… it’s just… an extremely uncomfortable house, with… really bad food, and unpleasant roommates. But it’s a house! and food!

But no, it absolutely breaks my heart to hear that he regrets it. You know what it reminds me of? This is actually a horrible analogy. It reminds me of someone who commits suicide by jumping off a building, then changes their mind halfway down, but can’t stop. I’ve always worried about that idea – what if that happens? People who commit suicide are often on drugs that make them lose all fear and all emotions, so maybe they just feel numb going down, or maybe relief, I hope. But it’s just that thought – what if they changed their mind and regretted it?

It’s horrible to hear him say he regrets the army now. It’s like regretting death. It’s like he’s no longer committed to dying for his country, dying a noble hero, dying to fight against evil. (Note, I don’t view it that way, but I’m saying, if he viewed it that way and sincerely believed in it, it would make me feel more at ease. If he died without the slightest doubt or regret, if he believed in it the whole way, that makes the death seem less bad.) He hasn’t died yet, he hasn’t been deployed yet to go fight and risk his life, but he could still be deployed at any time, and that’s when it means that he’s regretting death.

Of course, he could choose jail! If he says no to death, then he can say yes to jail, and that’s all right with me too, I’ll still support him, and I’ll just have to do research and find out how long the jail sentence will be. I don’t know the details. I’ll have to mention that to him – I’ll let him know, ‘Hey, if you ever decide to leave the army and go to jail, that’s totally okay with me and I still love you and I won’t think you’re a coward at all. I totally would do the same thing myself.’

It’s not just your own death, it’s also the killing of others that he might be reluctant to do, too.

So yeah, I’ll have to say that to him, remind him that it’s an option, tell him how I feel about it.

It breaks my heart to hear all this, but yet, I’m totally disempowered right now, and I absolutely cannot just jump up and run over there the way I instinctively want to. I want, I want, I want, but I cannot. I would get up and leave this very instant. I must go there to him, I must be near him, he is in distress, I have to fix it RIGHT NOW. I cannot hear someone in distress and just brush them off and ignore them. Other people might say, ‘Oh, boo-hoo, you’re just a whiner and a coward, grow a pair of balls and take it like a man!’ That is exactly what I will NOT say. My response is, ‘Okay, what can we do to fix this?’ We have a few options, such as jail, or dishonorable discharge.

I’ll go ahead and post this so it doesn’t get too long. I might read a book too instead of blogging all day long. Basically, today sucks, I’m tired, I still don’t have enough food that I can bring myself a lunch to eat at work, but at least I got my direct deposit so I’ll be able to afford a bigger burger with bacon today, but I won’t have time to eat it in my half hour unless I ride my bike a couple blocks down the sidewalk instead of walking like I did yesterday, because walking took up *just enough* time that I didn’t have much time left in my lunch. So, bike instead of walking, screeching the whole way with the rusty chain. Grab a burger, any burger I want since I will at least have money in my account now, and ride back as fast as possible and eat it. They do have a little fridge, so I can put it there if I can’t eat it all.

It is just a grumpy day.

he’s talking to me again

May 27, 2015

I no longer feel like I’m dying – I feel stronger and I’m able to work more hours, as long as the job is not such exhausting manual labor. I want to try to get a second job now.

I’ve talked with Jesse on the phone, about things having to do with money and with me going to visit him, or stay close to him, in Washington, whatever I can work out, and it all depends on money, for me. If I get a second job, I will be able to do whatever I want to do. I will need a non-exhausting job that doesn’t involve as much running and physical labor as McDonald’s, Taco Bell, and bed-making did.

So, I am not abandoned by Jesse yet. I’m not sure what prompted him to tell me that he was ‘moving on,’ and I suspected maybe his parents told him to say that to me, but I wasn’t sure.

I am also not abandoning him, now that I myself am no longer expecting an imminent death. I just *feel* that I am getting better. I’m having fewer and fewer sensations of encephalitis or weird sensations or pre-seizures, even when I use caffeine and drink Coke and eat junk food, although I’m sure I still have to avoid extreme overexertion and lack of sleep.

I know Jesse felt like I was abandoning him when I thought I was dying, even though I couldn’t help it. I know from past experience how he behaves when he is losing someone, and in the past, if I showed any hints that I was going to leave him, he would reject me first before I could reject him, and it happened quite a few times, until I learned what kinds of things to avoid saying to him. It really seemed like it was one of those situations, like ‘go ahead and die, I don’t need you anyway,’ even though it really hurts him.

So now… I have to think more aggressively again. What do I need, to get myself over to Washington as fast as possible? It’s a good thing that I have a stable temp job for the next few weeks, at least – that makes life easier – now I must look for the second job. I will restart my credit card that got shut down, which I attempted to get last fall right around the time when everything went to hell.

I am not sure if the mind controllers will kill me, if I try to leave and come close to success. Every time I have been close to
successfully leaving, successfully getting all the pieces together to enable myself to relocate, I have been murderously and severely attacked, forced to lose my job for months, given a deadly disease, everything – I don’t know. I cannot stop trying to get out, even though they try to kill me.

breakfast

May 27, 2015

At least I was able to cook last night. I still need to do more cooking, and I need it to be a recurring routine. I have to prepare food many days in advance and then eat the foods out of the fridge. I also need more foods that can be eaten raw, and I need them to be prepared in containers so that I can grab them quickly and easily, especially so that I can take them to work for lunch. I don’t want to keep getting stuck buying junk foods that are already prepared because I don’t have anything ready to go.

Last night I wanted to go around collecting lamb’s quarters leaves, but it got dark after I took my nap, so I didn’t have time. I’d like to have a bunch of it in the fridge so I can eat raw fresh greens, but it’s probably not really good for me because it comes from the roadside and is probably covered with petroleum and exhaust fumes and formerly lead-poisoned soil from back in the days of leaded gasoline, but oh well.

My breakfast today:

Japanese buckwheat noodles (contained nothing but buckwheat and water – no added garbage, no iron supplements causing constipation, no synthetic vitamins like most noodles have)
organic egg
salmon caviar
purple cabbage (I just love the beautiful blue water)
organic ground pork
organic mango chunks (thawed from frozen)
sesame seeds
ghee (butter)
melted jack cheese (raw, grassfed)

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Problem-solving attitude

May 27, 2015

It also has to do with the attitude about solving this problem – if it’s ions or something, then we can control it, and instead of saying, ‘Alas, we must succumb to our fate at 3am,’ we’ll say, ‘I’m gonna go out and buy an ionizer and test it.’ Or whatever.

The Circadian rhythm of pain – Why does it hurt the most at certain times of day?

May 27, 2015

I’m not satisfied with the explanations of why pain and inflammation are worst at certain times of day. They have observed that a lot of illnesses make you sickest in the nighttime around 3am. My
undiagnosed rabies was that way. I could feel almost normal all day long, but at 3am, the demons came out.

I don’t think it’s just coffee, either. I had a theory that people drank coffee early in the day, so they were most deeply in withdrawal at 3am, causing pain. There may be a grain of truth in this, but that’s not all of it.

It has to be ionized air. Maybe I was wrong when I said that the ionosphere retreating at nighttime had something to do with it, but the thing is, ALL of the air is ionized, not just the ionosphere. Any air that is being hit by sunlight is slightly ionized, I think. Maybe I’m wrong – maybe all the ionizing radiation is completely, 100% blocked out up higher in the atmosphere. But ions are the only explanation I have.

In the day, air ionizes when sunlight strikes it. The ions change at nighttime when the sun is on the opposite side of the earth, and this process would be most advanced late at night, before dawn.

Whatever the process is, it is *some* kind of process, something that *happens* at that time in the night, something happening outside in the world, and not just inside your body. There is something that can literally, physically, actually KILL you at 3am, and it’s not just your own body being stupid, which is how the ‘circadian rhythm theory’ explains it. That theory says, your body is stupid and it just kills itself at 3am because it’s stupid. Your body just decides to inflame itself at 3am until it inflames itself to death, because it’s too stupid to stop inflaming itself.

I don’t ever like to assume that the body does stupid things because the body is stupid. I like to assume that the body is smart, but it’s sometimes overwhelmed by forces that it can’t fight against or understand, and one of those forces is occurring at 3am when patients with various illnesses all drop dead. Again, people literally *die* at 3 in the morning because of this factor, whatever it is. They observe it in hospitals, and people like me observe it on their own when they’re sick and they notice that it’s always worst in the middle of the night.

Whatever it is, it makes me hurt the most when I try to get up for a job before noon. Whatever it is, it takes the pain away later in the afternoon, so that I feel most able to get up and move around. It’s more than just heat, because I’m in pain in the morning even when it’s warm and humid like it is today. It is something magical about afternoon and it is more than just my body being stupid because it’s programmed itself to have some kind of circadian rhythm cycle where my own body makes bad things happen inside itself on its own at certain times of day.

Maybe it’s more than just ionized air, maybe it’s *magnetized* air. Aren’t magnets used to relieve pain? What does the magnetosphere do at night? Whatever it is, it’s *something* directly caused by the presence or absence of the sun, but with a lag, so that it’s strongest in the afternoon and weakest at 3am.

forced to get up early

May 27, 2015

My chronic fatigue is a hundred times more painful when I have to get up and go to a job before noon. I have to be at my job at 9:00. My body hurts. It’s an easy job where I get to sit at a desk – I am basically a security guard. That part of it is nice, compared to the bed-making job. I just can’t quit caffeine when I have to be up before noon. I’m just frustrated about not having enough money right now and not making any progress. I went to the job yesterday and found out that it might last for a few weeks at least, so that’s good, a few weeks where I will have one consistent routine and it’s an easy one. In the long run, I really want to run my own business or find ways to live where I don’t need any money at all, and I think it will be a little of both. I will never forget or outgrow the need for this, for as long as my body is able to feel pain. If my body stops feeling pain, then I will stop caring about whether I work at a job or not.

The sloppy walker gait animation

May 25, 2015

I did this in less than an hour, so it’s sloppy and hasn’t been cleaned up yet, but this gives the general idea of what I’m trying to do. This is a stick figure. The black is one side of the body, and the green is the opposite side of the body. The head stays in *exactly* the same place, which isn’t realistic – it would bounce and move a little bit. I looked up google images of a walking gait. It was actually pretty close to what I made myself. In the image I looked at, there were no arms, only legs showing, so actually I need to look at a better image to see exactly how the arms swing. These arms kind of grow and shrink and stretch in weird ways while swinging, but again, less than an hour’s work and still sloppy.

Saving all the phone numbers from my 10-year-old tracfone, reminiscing

May 25, 2015
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2:00 PM 5/25/2015

I’m on vivarin pills and also a small amount of St. John’s Wort, so there is a chance I might write a lot of blogs today. But so far, I have been in ‘doing things’ mode. I got done just a few small things on my to-do list, like washing my dishes – I had dozens and dozens of little plastic containers and plastic silverware.

You know that I’m being very aggressive about getting things done if I write down the time I started and ended a task on a piece of paper. I started the dishes at about 10:00 am, and finished them at 11:35 am. I also did Mary Jo’s dishes in the sink – I offered to do that to help her, several months ago, because she works a lot more hours than I do right now.

A week or two ago, I started saving my yahoo emails, with the hope that maybe I could save everything and then shut down my yahoo mail once and for all. I hated the new changes to the way the email works. However, while doing this, I accidentally discovered that I could set the email back to its previous way of looking, which was actually functional in my browser, and DON’T GET ME STARTED.

The new yahoo mail was so unusable that I had to use the latest, greatest browser AND IT STILL DIDN’T WORK, and it had a huge lag, and you COULDN’T EVEN so much as OPEN AN EMAIL IN A NEW TAB, but instead could only click them individually and open it in the same screen. Fortunately it’s set back on the old way now, so it is usable. But still, I’ve had enough and I want to quit yahoo completely and not even use it as my spam email anymore. I’ve talked to other people, and EVERYONE uses yahoo as their spam email, because NOBODY likes how it works.

So I started attempting to save some of my old sent emails from many years ago. I had stuff from 2005. It was there that I saw an email informing everyone that I had finally gotten my own phone, so they could call me without worrying about waking up my ex-boyfriend, who worked overnight and slept in the day. Apparently in 2005 I was temporarily living over at his house.

That is the phone that I still have now. I got it in 2005, so it is now ten years old. It is a Nokia tracfone. It is a ‘stupidphone,’ otherwise known as a ‘feature phone,’ just a simple phone without a smartphone screen or anything, and that is why I like it. It could be called a ‘retrophone.’

Most of the numbers are worn off the buttons. If I ever lend it to someone so they can make a call, they need my help to figure out how to use it when they can’t see the numbers and can’t figure out what to press.

I have saved ten years of random contacts in there. I have wanted to record them someplace else in case I ever lost this phone or in case it died or I dropped it or anything at all.

I never drop it though, because I have a piece of cotton string laced through two little holes which were, amazingly, intended for clips and strings to go through. What modern smartphone even has that simple feature? Smartphones are MEANT to be dropped and broken, and it would be an abomination for them to have any kind of clasps or strings attached to hook them to your belt loop so they wouldn’t fall. They are designed to be smooth, frictionless, and slippery, with no strings or clips at all, so that you will put them in your pocket and they will slide right out and then shatter on the floor, forcing you to shell out another $500 for a new one after you’ve had this one for only a week. And people eat that shit up!

And they buy ‘cases’ for them, but if I recall, those cases don’t have any kinds of strings or clips on them either, although I could be wrong. Nothing to keep it from dropping.

The smartphone has evolved into the perfect, efficient moneymaking device. Look at it the wrong way and it shatters, and you have only yourself to blame, and it’s your responsibility to buy a new one, because it doesn’t occur to you that this phone-shattering phenomenon happens to everybody else too, every day, and it is deliberately designed to do that as often as possible, on purpose. Yes, it is a conspiracy.

But even so, it’s possible I could smash my phone somehow too, in some random accident, so I have always wanted to copy down all the contacts somewhere.

And it turns out that I don’t even remember about 95% of these people who I have saved in the contacts. I took about 160 photos of the phone to save the contacts, rather than writing them down – there’s really no better way to do it. So I have about 160 people and don’t know the vast majority of them.

Some of them were random strangers who wanted to meet me. Back when I was using antidepressants all the time, I walked around constantly with a fake smile on my face, radiating a welcoming, beaming expression, and looking directly into the eyes of every stranger I passed on the street. Guys interpreted this to mean that I wanted to have sex, and so random strangers often gave me their phone numbers back then, but it was all just drug-induced mania, and I never followed through. Now that I’m *usually* not on a lot of drugs, I don’t walk around smiling and looking directly into the eyes of strangers. Also, I don’t have a car now, so I stay home a lot more of the time and don’t wander around all over town very much running into people.

I also have phone numbers from people who I strongly disliked, but was too polite to say no to, and had no intention of ever calling. That is another reason why I’d prefer not to use psychiatric drugs. It makes me vulnerable to annoying creeps who I can no longer say ‘no’ to. When I’m so drugged up that I don’t feel any emotions, then I also don’t feel the loathing, annoyance, and other feelings that I would normally feel about creepy guys that would make me instinctively avoid them, and instead, I say ‘yes’ to them, yes to going on dates with them, yes to talking on the phone with them, being nice to them, tolerating them, going along with everything they suggest. All drug-induced.

(I have a memory of going out and taking a walk around a park with a creepy guy who I instinctively disliked. Looking back on it, I realize, I am lucky I didn’t get raped by this guy. Seriously. He wanted a blowjob, and he opened up his wallet and showed me all his money, but I did not do it. His number – still in my phone.)

(On the flipside of that, I also have the number of a random drunk stranger who DID receive a blowjob, who was not creepy, just extremely drunk.)

I have the phone numbers of telemarketers saved, so that I recognize it when it comes up and I know I don’t have to answer. I often saved them with names like ‘Who The Hell Are You,’ ‘Who Is This,’ ‘Some Strange Person,’ ‘No Idea Who This Is,’ ‘Some Weirdo,’ and ‘People.’

I have the number of some Russian dude who I briefly worked overnight with, cleaning the Target department store. Strangely, it’s the number of just one of the random guys I worked with, and NOT the number of the guy who I briefly was dating and having sex with. I think I might have that guy’s email somewhere, but not his number. That guy – he loved my electronic music that was on the CD I played in my car. I remember that. He got so excited and jumped up and down shouting in the car seat, ‘OH MY GOSH!!! WHERE DID YOU GET THIS???’ I had downloaded some awesome music from various websites.

I have some people who I vaguely remember. I recognize the names, sort of, but can’t remember the face, or where I met this person, or why I saved their number, or what I ever intended to do with them. The name rings a bell, but that is all. I could call them and say, ‘Hey! This is Nicole Binns, remember me? We never got together!’

I feel like all these numbers are an asset, somehow. I don’t want to lose them. In reality, I never call any of them, but they are there if I had to. If I absolutely had to call some random people for some strange reason, then I could do it. I could say, ‘Hey, Alex! I met you back when you worked at the mall eight years ago, remember me? Do you still wanna go out on a date?’

There are some names in there that don’t even ring a bell. I have no fuckin’ clue who the hell they are and why I saved their number. I cannot even remember the slightest thing about them. I don’t know where we met, what we were doing, or even what year it was. Whatever it was, it must have seemed important at the time. They’re there when I need them, whoever they are.

I also have painful reminders of failed projects. There was one time when I attempted to start working as a bookkeeper, and there was this one guy who considered hiring me, but for a variety of reasons, we never really got around to it.

There are some people who I met on dating websites and actually went on dates with, although they are extremely few – I almost never actually met anyone in person after talking to them on dating websites. I can recall perhaps a total of three people who I actually met in the real world after finding them online or through an ad, over all these years. None of them really worked out, but two became facebook friends, although I think one might have unfriended me because I never see anything from him and don’t recall if he’s still in my friends list.

I’m actually very antisocial and usually don’t enjoy spending a lot of time with people outside of work, although it’s theoretically possible that I could, if we were talking about common interests. Since my interests are esoteric, I don’t find a lot of people talking about them (‘Hey! Let’s build a mind control shield together!’). However, if I had a motor vehicle again I might find it easier to socialize, and I’m including a motorized bicycle as a ‘motor vehicle.’ It’s just such a pain to go anywhere, really.

But the real reason why I don’t socialize is probably because my mind never rests. I am constantly being attacked, all day long. I’m an introvert, and I never get to withdraw and recover from the constant stimulation, so I am always socially exhausted. I did enjoy socializing a lot more in the past, when I was in college and high school. It’s not just because I have wandered far away from other people’s world of experiences, so that nobody really understands what it’s like to be me – that’s only part of the problem. I think it really is just because my brain is constantly stressed from the nonstop attacks, and I will never feel sociable until I can get some rest and feel truly refreshed. ‘Mind control shield.’

So…. ‘Photo This Phone’ is now one thing I can cross off my list of things to do.

Animation is a long, thankless job

May 24, 2015

I know this is drug-induced and unsustainable, but all of a sudden, I’m fooling around with making the video game again. So I decided to start animating the girl. I’m using the stylus to draw, but I’m going to have to adjust some settings, learn how to use it, and develop a routine or method to make it easy and efficient.

I spent a long time fiddling with the drawing, and I made her just barely begin to take a step. After doing that, I got worn out and took a break. I don’t have an ergonomic table set up – no table and chair at all – I’m just sitting on the floor by the bed. I could go down in the basement and find some kind of table and borrow it, but haven’t done that yet. So the physical discomfort of sitting in an awkward position doesn’t help, and I get worn out more quickly.

The girl is a ‘rubber hose’ style of animation. I just drew her quickly as a placeholder, just an object to move around so that I could learn how to make it move. Rubber hose animation is when it looks like an old fashioned Mickey Mouse cartoon, with rubbery arms that don’t have any realistic joints, because it’s easier to draw that way. But now that I’ve got her, I’m keeping her that way, and yet I keep insisting on making it better, fixing it up – but yet, trying to keep the original style. If it’s too perfect, it’s no longer cute. The unrealistic cartooniness of it makes it cute.

I’m thinking about how I’m going to do this, if it takes that much time and all that I managed to do was make her start lifting her foot a little bit to take a step. I’m thinking that I will just make a stick figure skeleton for the next few frames, with no color, just lines, to show where the joints will be as she walks, and then fill it in with colors and shapes after I get the stick figure in the right place.

I don’t have a plan for how she will interact with the world, but I’m vaguely imagining a King’s Quest style game, where you can go up and down or side to side, yet it isn’t 3D, and she doesn’t shrink as she moves into the distance, but stays the same size.

I imagined it might even be faster and easier if I could draw things by hand on paper, then scan them in, but I don’t have a quick and easy method of doing that, especially since all I have is a very crappy camera, and no scanner. If I did that, I could animate things that were beautiful. What I mean is, I could paint colors using Caran D’ache aquarelle crayons like I used to have. I don’t have them now, but I could get more. Then the paintings would have texture.

Unfortunately, when you scan those colors into the computer, they aren’t as beautiful on the screen. I had this glowing, gorgeous teal blue green color, which shows up on the screen as ‘Microsoft Desktop Teal,’ that color it calls ‘teal’ which is a vomitous grayish bluish greenish gray. I know because I scanned a painting, years and years ago, but don’t have a copy of it on my computer here so I can’t attach it. It was some kind of cartoony multicolored bird, I think.

I would do that again, just first start the animation with stick figures, scan them in, and then fill in the color paintings. It’s not possible to paint on the computer in the exact same way that I would paint with those real crayons.

But since I can’t do that stuff right now, I might just try drawing stick figures in the computer first, even though it’s awkward to draw with the pen. It will be less awkward if I am not constantly changing colors, if I just use black for the stick figure, get it in place, then do all the colors later.

Also, I could make the animation skip steps and just jump to the end. First, her foot is here, and then an instant later, it’s jumped to a new position with no steps in between. Then I will fill in the frames in between to smooth it out. So it will be all jerky at first, but then become more flowing.

So, I will have to work out an efficient method, and adjust the settings on the pen so it does what I want. I will also have to think about how she’s going to interact with the world.

Since I’m on drugs, I started imagining a ‘humorous’ storyline, where the game itself talks about the fact that the character is a rubber hose animation with no boobs, and how she has to go find a
co-adventurer with big boobs and scanty armor that doesn’t protect anything, if she wants this game to get any attention at all. Then, the characters get things like poison ivy while adventuring, instead of actually being attacked. And she drinks cups of coffee to energize herself, but after a while, this stops working and she falls asleep, missing important deadlines and causing you to fail.

The scantily clad armor lady who agrees to go on an adventure with her is arguing with the sales people when she buys her armor because the bikini top is too big and the bikini bottom is too small, so she wants to buy the pieces from two separate outfits, but isn’t allowed, and the saleslady has to call the manager. After she buys the scantily clad armor she sees a tag that says this armor contains substances known in the state of California to cause cancer, such as depleted uranium.

I’m not sure what the purpose of the adventure is yet. I just kept fantasizing about silly things and jokes and spoofs of the usual video games and stereotypes.

I have my blog set up to take posts from email

May 24, 2015

I just clicked on the wrong email out of habit, because I’m so used to sending things to the blog email. I had every intention of sending that letter to Jesse instead of my blog, but I was in zombie mode and did not know what I was doing. I could delete the post if it’s really that embarrassing, but it’s not that bad, and I will leave it there for its historical value.

I was going to say about the tent: I did not abandon the tent permanently on the mountain. I took it down, all of it, everything that was not biodegradable. I had to do this using a bike. When I went up on the mountain, I had a car, and it was easy to bring everything up there. But when I took everything down, I had to take things down a little at a time, taking some things with me on the bus, and throwing some things in the dumpster on the road near where I was camped. I put big bags of stuff on the bike and then rolled the bike down the road.

Lol, I posted that on my blog. It was a letter. Oh well, it’s there now.

May 24, 2015

That was a letter to Jesse.

Last night I had this dream I was making out with your dad.

May 24, 2015

I’m having dreams and remembering them because I’ve been using herbal drugs (St. John’s Wort) and vivarin (caffeine pills).

I went to some kind of gathering with your family, something religious, and it had something to do with the Duggar family, 19 kids and counting or whatever they are. I would have had that many kids if my life had gone differently, because I believe in doing that. But, I have zero, and I will probably always have zero, because my life is full of disasters.

So I went someplace, to some house where your family went for vacations or for this gathering. It was kind of a nice house. I think we were going to watch the Duggar family on TV or something. And right now they are having a child molestation scandal which is in the news. I didn’t read it, I just saw the headlines on facebook.

I had to get a ride there, and I think it was several of your family who drove me in the car, and your family went in groups in several different cars, everybody. They were welcoming me there and I was part of the family.

I went into this house, into a room, and I guess we were waiting for the TV show to start. Maybe also it was some kind of holiday, and I think there was going to be a meal.

Your dad found me in this room, and I was snuggling with him on a couch. He was warm, loving, gentle, and protective. I felt his fingers tickling my skin. I don’t remember kissing him or actually having sex, but he was touching my neck.

I think I must have woken up because I don’t remember anything after that.

My unsolved problems of camping: thunderstorms, falling trees, and food storage

May 24, 2015

Sort of like the fire swamp – the fires, the lightning sand, and the rodents of unusual size.

Thunderstorms – intolerable, for the reasons I described in my previous post. I always caved in and slept in a hotel rather than in the tent during a lightning storm, although there were a few nights where I endured it, in sheer terror for hours, but usually only if I could see that all of the lightning was up high and wasn’t striking the ground.

Falling trees – A real danger. What’s-his-name, Jared Diamond, in his book… what’s it called? The World Until Yesterday. I’m having a delay in my noun recall. He wrote about how the natives of New Guinea were afraid of dead trees falling on them. This is a real thing, not a primitive superstition. I have done long term camping. I have observed when the trees fall, what types of trees are prone to falling, and what causes them to fall. I cannot predict the exact moment when a tree will fall, but I was good at predicting which trees would eventually fall sooner or later, and I turned out to be right about some of them.

On Mt. Nittany, it is almost impossible to find a location where there are zero fallen trees. When you’re paying attention, you will notice that fallen trees are everywhere, and if you put two and two together, if you predict the future, you will realize that sooner or later, another tree is inevitably going to fall.

It turns out that actually this is a huge big deal, and not mere paranoia or phobia or exaggeration of dangers. When I was camping, there were several times that trees fell close enough that I could hear them loudly, even though I made a great effort to put my tent far away from any dead trees.

Once, I attempted to lace some ropes around some trees, hoping that I would be able to block a tree from falling, but I was too small and weak to throw the ropes around, and the effort exhausted me, and I gave up. I wanted to simply tie a rope around a tree, or put one in front of a tree that might fall, so that it would hit the rope instead of hitting my tent. But I could not do it. It would require cooperation from people who do not have chronic fatigue syndrome. It was very hard to do.

I did not like chopping dead trees down. I did it… once. There was a dead tree, a Virginia Pine I think they are called, a particular type of pine tree that has a short lifespan and is always dying and falling. It was always that particular kind of tree. I chopped one down that looked like it was dead.

But when I chopped into this dead tree, I began to smell the odor of life running through it, in the core of the wood. It was not dead. It was alive in the center, in the core, still pulling up water and nutrients. I had done so much damage that at that point, I was committed to killing it entirely. But I began to feel empathy with this tree, and it was not imaginary – it was caused by smelling this odor, the smell of severely injured tissues, the hormones of fear and pain, the hormones signaling that extreme and severe damage was being done, unforgivable damage beyond repair, horrible wrongness. I began to feel like I was going to vomit and pass out. There was a sensation of impossible wrongness beyond repair, the same way you feel when your head is chopped off, and I have never had my head chopped off, but I know that is how it feels. It is a sensation that something has been done which is so horribly wrong that it absolutely cannot be undone or repaired, and you are going to die. The tree felt that, and I felt it with the tree.

I’ve had nightmares about that sensation, about the horrible wrongness of killing something or being killed, about the point of no return where you have done so much damage that you have to go the rest of the way and put it out of its misery.

This dead tree was somehow still clinging to life and hope. The pine needles were all dead, brown, falling off, and the bark was rotting and falling off, but the core was alive. I was torturing it, causing it pain, hurting it beyond repair when it wasn’t ready to die completely yet. And once I began, I did not want to stop, because it seemed even more horrible to leave this tree chopped open with its core exposed. I might as well finish killing it instead of leaving it in pain.

You might think it’s silly for me to empathize with the killing of a tree, when I also advocate killing animals for food. But I do.

So I did not enjoy chopping down even a dead tree, even when I was afraid it would fall on me and kill me.

The last problem that I never solved: off the grid food storage of quality foods that primitive people would eat, not just beans and rice and powdered soup flavorings and all that garbage. I would want to store dried meats, dried plants, root vegetables, nuts, and any kind of fatty substances like butter, or I would be willing to try eating nut oils like the Native Americans made by pounding and crushing nuts, including acorns.

But the bears wanted my food. I had only a few foods in my tent. Whenever I abandoned my tent as I was moving into these apartments last year, I left a few dried food items like slim jims there. Warning: slim jims are on the list of foods that I ate as a compromise, just because they are a greasy fatty meat which is highly satisfying and provides a lot of energy, but they have SO MANY HORMONES in them from all the factory farm chicken, beef, and pork that I observed hormone-induced symptoms within 24 hours of eating them, things like masturbation – I am not a Christian, and I’m not opposed to masturbation in principle, but I’ve noticed that if I quit eating factory farm meats and dairy products (and even caviar from farmed fish, which is given a ton of hormones to force them to mature rapidly and produce eggs), and quit eating all those synthetic hormones they give to the animals, then there is a greatly reduced need for masturbation. And slim jims trigger it every time, like clockwork.

When I abandoned the tent, the animals figured out that the owner was gone, and they began ripping open the tent. They ripped it open and dragged stuff out of it, which is why I no longer have the bike motor that I bought, which I had intended to put together as soon as I had access to some tools and a good place to put it together. Believe it or not, that particular postponed project is really bugging me – I still want a motorized bike, I still recall Eric from McDonald’s every time I see one – there is this guy who drives down Waupelani drive on his motorized bike regularly. I didn’t forget, I still want one. But it got dragged out of the tent and got rained on, when the bears were digging around for the slim jims in the tent.

So an off grid food storage area needs to be protected from bears. And I wanted drying racks above a fire. I don’t care about ‘smoking’ the food. The fire is there for the purpose of keeping the air very dry, and keeping the insects away, and the smoking process is not really necessary or essential, in my opinion. I wanted to learn to dry meats that way. It has to be blocked from rain from above, blocked from bears, and smoked to keep the humidity low. I didn’t have that, and never finished building it.

The only thing I did do, once, was, I put up some cotton strings across the inside of my tent, and then, I sliced some grassfed beef into thin strips and hung it over the strings, like the Inuit would do with caribou. However, the tent was very humid and the meat got moldy. It was just an experiment. Chronic fatigue means my experiments are very limited and small, and cannot be done on a larger, more ambitious scale that I would like to do them on. Ideally, I wanted a whole separate little house, with coals smoking on the ground beneath racks or sticks with strips of meat hanging on them, under a roof to block the rain, with some way of keeping bears away.

So… thunderstorms, falling trees, and food storage – the three main things that I still need to solve if I go camping again.

I may be able to take a shower now. I postponed it because Mary Jo just came home and I saw her come inside and I thought she might want to use the bathroom first, and so I ended up back in my bedroom blogging again. Vivarin pills mean there will be tons of blogging. I am at maximum verbosity.