Workplace apathy. Is college a possibility?

May 17, 2017

I had a caffeine pill before work, and a non-coffee energy drink. The rationale is that coffee as such is the most strongly addictive for me, but it’s easier to quit other sources of caffeine, especially fake manmade caffeine, which is different from coffee.

I spent a very long time stocking cigarettes, something I don’t do while decaffeinated. I cannot make myself care about the to-do list we have here. I don’t enjoy being apathetic and indifferent, and I’m not proud of it. In theory I would want to care about doing my job. But wiping a molecule of dust off an already clean surface, so that I can’t tell anything was done, is not the kind of work I like to do. I want to make a huge impact on an emergency or something. I want to see huge results from whatever I did.

I might wipe the windows if they were so black with filth that no sunlight ever came through. But exposing myself to toxic window cleaner for the sake of wiping a single thumbprint is not worth it to me. I cannot care about a layer of dust, or fingerprints on the window. My reaction is to wish we had some kind of surface designed to never look dusty, or self-wiping windows, or unsmudgeable glass, or the type of customers who overlook such things because we give them something else that they value more than spotless windows and particle-free shelves and surfaces.

I feel so lazy and worthless, and I’m sure I’m gonna get yelled at sometime about not doing anything.

I need a job made just for me. I don’t like frequent changes or the loss of friends and acquaintances, so I wouldn’t have to quit this job. I just need something better.

Could some miracle have occurred in the years between now and 1993-1997, so that I somehow have the ability to do college homework when I couldn’t before? Someone is trying to sway me towards normal college, not just votech. If I chose my major carefully, and somehow avoided pointless classes like history – the forbidden disclosures of history are FAR more fascinating! Ancient builder races making structures on every planet and moon, advanced technologies, everything as told by Wilcock and Goode, much better than the brainless dead history class. Can I choose to avoid stupid pointless useless classes? If so, I could do college. Required classes are always stupid. And I’m old enough I’d want to question the axioms of math and physics and all the forbidden topics. I’d wear my earplugs as the professor told us about bullshit laws that aren’t laws, and bullshit science, and so on.

Preoccupation with physical appearance – something I can only do under the influence of drugs

May 16, 2017

The two energy drinks I had today are making me susceptible to doing something – obsessing over images of people, and this time, I also watched a video listing the different alien races from A-Z, although I didn’t watch all the videos so I didn’t see all of them. In this condition, I am willing to accept suggestions to go watch videos of people with long hair or long beards, or videos about women’s facial hair, and now, even though I’m exhausted and want to go to sleep, I’m following the suggestion to look at pictures of very skinny guys.

It’s not impossible for me to find people who are physically attractive enough that I can tolerate them, it’s just hard to find the combination of physical attractiveness and a compatible personality, in a physical location where they are going to interact with me frequently in a conversation so that we can get to know each other. They exist, but they are isolated in their own little universes, where they walk down their little sidewalks to their little houses and to their little workplaces, and their circles do not cross the circles where I live and walk.

You can’t really bond with someone if you meet them just once. You have to meet them repeatedly in order to realize that you are falling in love with them. It took me weeks of casually and intermittently talking to Matthew for me to realize that I loved him. I was in denial about his socionic personality type until the very end, but then, other events happened to trigger the deeply burned-in
decades-long extreme trauma programming to cause me to do things that made him reject me and block me.

I am not completely cured of trich. There are some small, minor symptoms that something is still there, although it’s nowhere near as bad as it was. How long this curse will last, I don’t know. If I met someone now, I’d need someone who was so tolerant, so accepting, so patient, and so in love with me that he could actually tolerate the fact that I have this infection that hasn’t been completely cured, and work with me as I make efforts to fix it. Very few attractive people would ever feel so desperate that they would need to do that – alternatives are always easily available for them, so they would instantly drop me as soon as they found out anything negative about me. They always know they can easily find hundreds of new people who are as good as, or better than, I am. I will never be unique and irreplaceable to them. I’m never unique enough to patiently wait for, as I work on my struggles, slowly, and fail repeatedly to make any progress.

I should go to bed. I have an early shift tomorrow.

Garlic or maybe Jesse’s drug residues triggering more caffeine cravings

May 16, 2017

I had two energy drinks today, two different kinds, one of which I’ve never tried before. The first thing I noticed was inappropriate friendly-flirting-joking behavior with people I don’t know very well, the bike shop people who came in to get some snacks or something. I told them they needed to nag me to go get my bike fixed there soon. That is the result of ginseng. Then I saw some person walking a dog, and I remembered being pulled on roller skates by a dog on a leash when we were kids – my brother and I used to throw a ball in the basement and let the dogs pull us. I want to go to the Arctic and use a dogsled anyway, so I decided I wanted a wheeled dogsled down here in State College.

I have been having this feeling of despair today, which was
unexplainable, except that it might be the result of withdrawal from whatever drugs Jesse is using, since I hugged him and therefore touched his clothing. I also felt very weird the day after I hugged him the first time, when he first came home. I do not know what this drug is, whether they put him on some prescription psychiatric drug (quite possible), or if it’s the residues from his illicit drug use. Whatever it is, the withdrawal is extremely nasty. I have reason to suspect cocaine because I know someone else whose brother committed suicide immediately the day after trying cocaine for the first time, therefore cocaine withdrawal causes suicide, and so it would explain why I have this lingering feeling of misery and hopelessness after hugging Jesse, for a day or two.

My emotions are never really emotions, and they do not have a ’cause’ in the conventional sense of the term, as in, you cannot find some ‘reason’ why I have an emotion. My emotions are always caused by some kind of physical sickness, hormones, or drugs, and can be fixed or prevented by stopping or avoiding those substances. One ‘reason’ that I thought of for why I could be feeling hopeless is because I talked to my dad the other day when he came up here and visited Aunt Jeannie, and from talking to him, it sounds like it might be a long time before I get any inheritance money, or the process might be difficult or complicated somehow, so it’s not going to help me anytime soon. Yes, that seems like a good ‘reason’ to be in a bad mood and to feel hopeless, but this feeling of hopelessness is just so unusual and so weird, and I know from experience that, like I said, I never actually feel real emotions from an actual cause. Years of experience have told me that it’s almost always, 99% of the time, caused by a substance.

The only time I feel a real emotion is when I am falling in love with someone, or being rejected by someone. I feel intense heartbreak and will cry for hours like I did when I found out that Matthew was in love with Hannah, but I was also taking caffeine pills at the time, and they tended to make me have stronger moods, so even though the heartbreak was real, it was intensified or distorted by the pill. I felt love for Matthew and felt happy feelings when, for instance, he would answer a text message I sent to him, and those feelings were real, when I’d look on the phone and see the little number over the text message icon.

I do have underlying long term emotions and attitudes, but they are so subtle and so permanent that they do not change noticeably from day to day, so I wouldn’t notice an upsurge in feelings of hopelessness all of a sudden unless chemicals were the cause. My underlying constant feelings are learned helplessness, the belief that it’s impossible to escape from the things that are harming me, and my social emotions, which are frustration and helplessness in society from being socially inferior and getting no respect and having no social power at all. I cannot just go out into the world and tell people what I want them to do, and expect that they will just jump at my command and do it. Everything I would want to do is a huge battle. But those are constant background feelings that would have no reason to change from day to day.

So, that’s part of why I let myself drink caffeine and energy drinks today.

Also, I have this mustard in the fridge which contains garlic. Garlic is an EXTREMELY POWERFUL TRIGGER for caffeine cravings if you’re trying to quit coffee. It is so powerful it is almost totally irresistible. I have had times when I was camping and I ate some salsa with garlic in it and I wanted coffee so badly that I almost wanted to get out of bed at 2am to walk down to a gas station to get coffee; however, that was difficult enough that it was an obstacle that stopped me, and I was able to resist. This mustard in the fridge is so delicious and so addictive that I actually squeeze a drop onto my finger and eat it plain whenever I happen to open the fridge. So, if I am going to quit caffeine, I can’t have condiments or anything that contains garlic. Tomatoes and nightshade vegetables are also not recommended – they trigger tobacco cravings and coffee cravings, and if you’re an alcoholic, probably alcohol cravings too. All the drugs and all the cravings trigger each other, and the nightshade family is the family of plants that tobacco comes from, and tomatoes contain tomatine, the tomato form of nicotine. They are literally addictive.

So I’ll finish the bottle of garlic, I guess, but no more after that, unless I am stable and off the wagon, confidently and surely.

‘Years in advance’ might not be correct

May 16, 2017

I don’t like the hopeless feeling I have today. It’s most likely because I’m going into withdrawal from the caffeine I had over the past few days, without using any more. I wanted to say, I don’t like to make it sound like there is no hope for us, the human species, to solve this problem of being controlled by a radio broadcast. I also don’t think that ‘an AI is writing the script of reality years in advance’ is necessarily accurate. It might be disinformation to think that. Anything that makes it seem absolutely hopeless, I usually interpret as disinformation. I had a different interpretation, which was simply that they can be making events happen in the immediate moment in the present without necessarily writing them in advance; also, not all of the gibberish turned out to be meaningful. It may be writing gibberish, and then finding ways to act out the gibberish. Like, ‘Oh, the commander wrote this gibberish, and it’s my duty to find a way to make this gibberish happen in reality somehow,’ like the people acting out the screenplay written by the AI.

One of the things that I recognized when I watched this youtube video (or maybe it was on an article – in fact, I think it’s something my brother linked to on my facebook profile page a couple years ago) was, the AI made a character say, ‘I’ve gotta go to the skull.’ The AI had been ‘seeded’ by reading a bunch of sci-fi books first, and somebody in those books must have said ‘go to the head,’ meaning the bathroom. It took the word ‘head’ and changed it into ‘skull.’ I think ‘head’ means bathroom, doesn’t it? In military terms? I could be wrong. Anyway, a lot of the gibberish is like that. Words become synonyms, and if you had a thesaurus, you could translate the synonyms, and they would resemble fragments of normal sentences.

The only thing that gives me any hope right now is I wrote a note to my manager saying I wanted to work fewer days a week. I am going to run out of money quickly and will have to very carefully use the money Dad is giving me to make sure I can pay my rent. The need to work fewer hours due to extreme chronic fatigue is the reason why I was camping, so I wouldn’t have to pay rent. However, I can’t do anything while camping that makes any progress in my life, nor can I store healthy food, unless I can build infrastructure that is safe from the police’s invade-and-destroy tactics.

Even something as simple as a box of aluminum provides semi-decent partial shielding

May 16, 2017

I need to look it up again, and I don’t have time, and the only reason I’m still sitting here at the computer is because I’m eating something before I get in the shower. There were shields made by some Russians who were researching something like remote viewing, and they had a name. The first word that comes up in my mind is something like ‘Klondike Shields’ or something, but that’s not it, but it was a scientist’s name. I can google it again. They were just a spiral of metal that the person stood or laid down inside of, and they have photos of people inside one of them, although that one wasn’t the only kind that existed. Then they were doing experiments where they tried to transmit symbols psychically to another location far away, and it worked better when they were in these shields.

Even just a cardboard box covered with aluminum foil is going to have just a very slight reduction in the background noise, and is worth doing. Because of the chaos of my life, and because I have to move out of this apartment and into a new one in only the blink of an eye (two months, or less), I can’t make one even out of cardboard right now. I need a stable place to live for a long time without being moved, and without invaders like police officers ripping holes in my tent.

Mark Forster’s Autofocus method of time management; the AI broadcast is described in Ascension Mysteries

May 16, 2017

12:09 PM 5/16/2017

I have intermittently used caffeine a few times – I took a pill the other day, the day that I went swimming, and yesterday I drank a cup of decaf in the afternoon. My goal is, if I do use any, then I will do a cooldown the next day by drinking decaf, and then quit it again.

However, I’m still not getting anything done, even on the day when I took the caffeine pill.

I looked at Mark Forster’s Autofocus system again. It’s a very simple method of working on a to-do list, and the method is given away for free on the first page of his website, although the way I found him originally was by buying a book at Barnes & Noble. I think he might be the same personality type I am. The constant emphasis on the idea that the method must not use force, but must instead be smooth, easy, and painless indicates a -Si base function, and his writing style feels like mine, or rather, like a smart version of me, like my father.

However, even though I’ve just barely begun to resurrect my interest in his autofocus system, and resurrect my intention to try to use it again, I haven’t really done anything on it yet. I just wrote the list. I got a highlighter. Last time I tried this, I think I was living in Bellefonte, just before I started living in my car, which would’ve been about 2011, I think. Having an unstable life, living in different places, coping with emergencies and disasters, and having almost no free time at all because I can only go to work, then sleep, then go to work, then sleep, and if I do even the slightest thing at home, it will be some mundane chore like cooking – I like cooking for myself, but even so, life is horrible when all you ever do is work, sleep, cook for yourself, and then go a week or two without even being able to cook for yourself because all you can manage is work and sleep.

I was watching videos about North Korea today. The North Korean people interviewed, people who escaped, said that while they were there, they were indeed happy, because they were very close to all the people around them, even though they were starving. This is true of any primitive society as well, not just a semi-modernized country. People living as hunter gatherers are also going to be more happy. When they moved out into the world, and ended up in South Korea, where they were being interviewed, they were very unhappy, living in a world of money-slaves who did nothing but work. They didn’t use the word ‘slaves,’ but it is slavery. Land ownership is slavery. You have to pay money just to be allowed to exist on a tiny square of land, and the amount you pay is astronomical. The slavery goes on from there – electricity payments, expensive food that you cannot hunt and gather, water payments, everything.

I want to put Anaya on my to-do list for autofocus, but it is not actionable at all. So what I did write down on the list was, something like ‘Think about how Anaya can be made actionable.’ Forster encourages you to put creative things on your list, like ‘think about x,’ rather than just a long list of mundane things. So I now have a to-do item to, at the very least, think about how Anaya can be made into something actionable.

Anaya is meant to be a community where people are also happy like they are in a primitive society, but it requires somebody to own the land they live on and somehow to pay for it, unless we had an underground breakaway civilization, but building things underground is not easy. It’s dangerous to build even so much as a small room directly under the surface of the soil, because even a few feet of soil will collapse on you unless it’s properly designed. Digging into the ground is technically very hard to do, and I know because I was reading about how to do it a few weeks ago. But living under the ground is the only way to escape from land ownership slavery. Or rather, it’s the only earthly way. If we could go to an unoccupied planet in an undesirable location, then we would be able to live in freedom.

One of the interesting things that I learned from reading The Ascension Mysteries is that the portals that transport people all over the galaxy are actually inside of plasma strings that connect all the stars to each other, which, I guess, are naturally occurring. Also, David Wilcock is very aware of the fact that there is a harmful computer system with an AI (artificial stupidity) which is watching us all the time, influencing our thoughts, and actively preventing us from becoming the best that we can be. I experience it directly and can describe what it feels like.

It doesn’t matter whether this comes from an alien or from a human. All we need to know is, where is the location of the generator of this thing, and how to destroy it, and make sure nobody replaces it if we destroy it. We agree on this. Somebody somewhere has to destroy an object that is generating a radio wave or something similar to a radio wave, which contains garbage and gibberish, and which is actively monitoring everything we do. And don’t worry about me reading this book and being ‘influenced’ or ‘encouraged,’ because I have already known about all this since 2003. I have already known that somebody is going to have to use technology to locate the source of the broadcast and to understand exactly what it is doing.

I do know that I read, years ago, that the cell phone network, just the regular cell phone network, creates a large matrix of
electromagnetic waves everywhere, and if somebody interprets some data generated by this matrix, they are able to see objects and people moving around everywhere they go. So they watch the waves bouncing off everybody as they move through the cell phone field, basically, and interpret the data to figure out where they are located. I guess it is similar to radar. I also know that some of my mental phenomena slightly improve when I go to places that have *less* cell phone coverage, although it did not go entirely away when I went to Green Bank WV, where they have restricted radio communications and no cell coverage. The phenomena change when I move from place to place, which is probably why they have done everything they can to prevent me from relocating.

I wasn’t gonna write a huge blog because I have to take a shower and get ready for work.

So, I’ve reopened my interest in, and my attempt to start using, the autofocus method of time management, but haven’t really started using it officially yet. I began working on it today, but didn’t do anything on the list yet, and took a nap after watching some videos. Using the method doesn’t force you to do anything, and won’t work miracles, but it does reduce the pain you feel at looking at an item on the to-do list. I only know that he seems to be an ISTP like I am. Methods designed by an ISTP for an ISTP are the most likely to be effective for me.

Oh yeah, near the end of the Ascension Mysteries, he describes how he is basically transcribing the gibberish voices in his head, but he was using a particular method of hearing them, and I forget exactly what he said he was doing. He was writing them down every day for years and keeping track of them, and they turned out to be very accurate and specific predictions of the future like ten or fifteen years in advance or something.

This was actually rather horrifying for me to read, because the gibberish and cryptic words that he was writing looked 100% like artificial intelligence to me. There is a particular ‘style’ that results from things created by artificial intelligence, and I recognized that style. I saw this before. There was, like, a screenplay written entirely by artificial intelligence, which some people acted out, and it was hilarious and weird. It has a style of being semi-coherent nonsense with fragments of understandable meaning in it.

If this is the case, then that means that an artificial intelligence is writing and controlling future events many years in advance, which would explain the reason why literal physical objects are treated as symbolic objects. It’s not a real person with a real physical body who is controlling all the events of the world. It’s a stupid computer who has no concept of how it feels to have a body. I have seen many incidents of events being symbolic and physical people and creatures being treated as objects of symbolism, things which have no feelings of their own but are instead merely tools to move around and use for various purposes. If you have no concept of a body, you also cannot have empathy for those who do have one. They are merely ‘words in a sentence’ to you, and will be seen as objects, with no awareness of any internal feeling or internal sensations that they have. This is also why it’s indifferent to all our begging and pleading, and why I receive these stupid gibberish voices screaming things that purport to express emotions, but nothing they do ever changes in response. When you express an emotion, it’s not merely supposed to be a feeling that comes out and then nothing changes. You are supposed to change your behavior after expressing an emotion. Like, ‘I’m sorry! I’ll never do that again.’ Nope, it’s all just gibberish computer voices relentlessly screaming ‘I’m sorry!’ and then doing the exact same thing again for eternity. That’s been my experience with the gibberish.

I can’t really transcribe what the artificial stupidity is putting into my head, mostly because I just can’t hear it well enough unless I’m on antidepressants, and then, when I can hear it, it is utterly horrible and absolutely evil and sinister. There is also a constant mumble, which is slightly less sinister, but still not a very positive thing, and it is so quiet that I mostly can’t hear what it’s saying well enough to transcribe it, and it goes on literally nonstop, as in, every second of every day it is mumbling something in my head. I would have to interrupt it over and over to write down what it said, and then I would be missing everything it said in between.

So, as always, the goal is first of all to produce effective shielding. Even the slightest reduction in the attacks is highly desirable and worth doing. All I need to build a shield is a house of my own where I will not have roommates and will not be constantly forced to move from one place to another. If I own a van and the shield is in the back of the van, that’s fine too. It simply has to have a place where I can build it, store it, and use it, without it being seen by roommates and landlords and without me having to transport it down several flights of steps every time I’m forced to go move to a new apartment.

By the way, if I don’t get another apartment before the end of July, then I will be camping again, or hunting for sublets again. And I really, really like living right next door to a grocery store and a shopping center, especially this one with the thrift store where I can buy clothes.

I’m gonna go take a shower.

caffeine pill today; obesity, the afterlife, failing at my mission, reincarnation, and rubber band-like loops of energy formed into knots

May 14, 2017

11:23 AM 5/14/2017

I took a caffeine pill this morning, but it’s not even doing very much for me at all. I can’t explain why, because it’s been a long time since I used a caffeine pill, and withdrawing from caffeine enables you to respond strongly the next time you use it. All it has done so far is get me out of bed and helped me read stuff on the internet, but that’s about all that caffeine ever did for me. It makes me move faster, which puts more stress on the joints: physical machines get more forces on them when they have fast moving parts. It’s like running a motor at high speed rather than low speed. But I can’t feel the pain because caffeine numbs pain.

I was researching obesity, specifically the way women in Mauritania are force fed.

I’m also thinking about goitrogens. Kale is a goitrogen, and I was drinking green smoothies at the time when I suddenly got fat in the summer of 2016. I have had experiences with vegetables and grains causing severe thyroid depression, such as millet (which caused a tooth to break off, even though I wasn’t crunching anything hard at the time), which caused me to become extremely fatigued for weeks, and the green smoothies made with kale, which also caused me to become extremely fatigued.

I have other theories for what I did to suddenly become fat in the summer of 2016. I kissed a fat guy, and fat could be caused by a contagious virus or bacteria. I could use probiotics or something.

I also began using olive leaf for sexual purposes around that time, and it causes bloating. But olive oil does too, if it’s fresh and if it comes from real olives, and that never triggered a sudden, *intractable* obesity like what I have now. For many years, the fatness has been sort of flexible and changing depending on what I was doing. Now, however, this fat seems more hard and solid than before, and won’t go away no matter what I do or don’t do.

I wanted to try to go swimming today.

I also drank my one and only cup of alcohol while working at Kaarma, and this is what I believe, more than anything else, probably caused the permanent intractable belly fat. You can’t find this information on the internet, because the alcohol industry has spammed the entire internet with troll garbage. Alcohol causes severe and intractable obesity, but for some reason, not for everyone all the time, only for some individuals. This was fermented milk, sour raita, given to me as a gift by the people at Kaarma during the time when they were giving me drinks.

I didn’t know what it was when I drank it, but after tasting that it was alcohol, I got rid of the rest of it, although I had a few sips. Still, I am a teetotaller who never drank any alcohol at all, not even sips, except a few sips of beer to taste it, and the sips of wine at church, and the number of times I did this was countable on my fingers. This experience gave me reason to believe that lifelong teetotalling is the only way to prevent weight gain from alcohol – never drink even a single sip of it at all. Assume it is a deadly poison that will kill you instantly at a dosage of even a single drop.

I have many theories about what caused the hard, intractable belly fat to form in the summer of 2016 over a period of one month. But goitrogenic vegetables are one theory. I have seen vegetarians who were intractably fat in spite of being vegetarians for a long time, and they are probably eating kale, broccoli, and other goitrogenic vegetables in the cruciferous vegetable family. This stupidity in our society results from limiting the number of varieties and the number of plant families we eat from. We eat from an extremely tiny, and ever narrowing number of plant families, when we ought to be eating from the millions and millions of different plants that exist out there that are edible. Variety is healthy. That’s the general rule. If you are eating from only three plant families, you’re getting the same chemicals over and over again, including the goitrogens in the cruciferous family. Vegetarians almost always rely on kale and broccoli as ‘healthy’ foods that they are ‘supposed’ to eat because they are ‘superfoods.’ I view kale as a superpoison.

There are so many other leafy greens that are extremely high in nutrients, such as watercress, butter lettuce (vitamin K), and just about any leafy green except iceberg lettuce. Basically, avoid relying on nothing but iceberg lettuce, and avoid the popular types of lettuce in general, including the slightly less popular romaine lettuce (which nonetheless ranks healthier than iceberg lettuce), and the slightly less popular ‘spring mix’ (which still has a few more vitamins than iceberg lettuce). There are still SO MANY ALTERNATIVES that people are not using, including wild greens and weeds like amaranth.

I have things I absolutely need to do. The caffeine takes away my anxiety, making me feel that all is well, even though everything is not well at all, and my life is on a long slide into death and failure. I can see the future, and I know that I will wander around doing nothing and wasting time because of chronic fatigue and electronic weapon attacks, for the rest of my life, unless something huge changes. It is also because of money slavery wasting every hour of my life.

I have ideas for what needs to be done to fix our society, and LIBERATING PEOPLE’S FREE TIME is one of the biggest solutions. People need to stop working at their jobs, and work on their own lives instead. It takes less time to hunt and forage for foods than it does to work at a slave job. We need the entire society to be planted with edible plants, including the less familiar edible plants like the edible weeds, everywhere, on every inch of wasted lawn, on every inch of mowed grass. Then we need to populate it with self-sufficient wild animals that are adapted to our climate and don’t need to be fed or cared for at all in order to survive, and hunt those animals for food. We can do some things to increase their population or make life easier for them, for instance, if we can build shelters for them to live in – just an idea – I do not know whether the ability to find shelter is crucial for animal populations to increase, but if we could build high-density condominiums for animals, in some way (not necessarily literally, but… maybe even literally), wouldn’t that be awesome? Anything that increases the self-sufficient wild animal population.

Thinking about humanoid aliens: There are aliens who developed from every type of imaginable animal species, like the squid-like aliens on the ‘comedy’ movie (which I actually enjoyed taking seriously) ‘Galaxy Quest.’ If you are eating animals, then you are going to be eating something that offends somebody somewhere because it resembles an ancestor of theirs. It would be like seeing someone eating monkeys or apes, except they would have to have less of a resemblance to hominids. Hominids have hands with fingers. All the monkeys have fingers, even on their feet. The fingers develop into something that can handle tools. So on other planets there would be fingered fish who are not yet intelligent, and those fingered fish are like the ‘monkeys’ that we have on earth. Fish with fingers are able to climb trees at the edge of the water or something. Monkeys have fingers to climb trees. What other activity would cause an animal to need fingers? What about animals living in the water?

I know I’ll never be able to resolve the conflict between vegans and omnivores, and I know I will be an omnivore for the rest of my life, although I may ‘tweak’ the diet in many different ways, for instance, to include insects, or to eat *less* meat, or to go without milk, and so on. But I have strong reasons to believe that at least *some* meat is necessary, especially for childbirth and especially for total subsistence in areas without transportation. We do not import vegetables all winter long from sunny countries down south, and so, we eat meats. Eating variety is the key. Variety is the healthiest rule of nutrition, the most important overall universal rule. Variety characterizes primitive hunter gatherer diets. It changes with every moon as the various foods come and go in their seasons.

I also don’t agree 100% with the modern Weston Pricers, although I do use their information and I respect their knowledge. I am able to learn from them without agreeing word-for-word with every single thing they advocate doing.

I think I have an interest in ‘water aliens’ and ‘insect aliens’ because I feel a need to confront the ‘worst case scenario’ of things that are extremely strange, extremely different, and extremely inconceivable. What is the most alien type of creature you can possibly imagine, which has become intelligent and able to develop a tool using civilization? I also need to understand how ‘energy beings’ are able to live without bodies. Is energy like a loop?

Oh, that’s what I was thinking about last night. Energy goes in loops instead of waves. It flows, like it comes from one pole of the magnet to the other pole in a constant moving river. It does not just spread outwards like a wave to dissipate from the dead body. I am taught to picture energy as spreading waves that dissipate into chaos, and so, when the body dies, the energy created by the bioelectromagnetic body will dissipate as a wave that spreads in all directions and becomes weaker and weaker over the distance.

My benevolent angel, whoever it was, that was talking to me in the middle of the night for a short time, and only once and probably never again, – I seem to pick up these benevolent angels temporarily after going to a new church that I’ve never been to before, after even merely going inside an empty church – I picked them up (although they were incompatible with my personality) after I went into the empty Episcopalian church to cry and meditate after my cat Max died – I think that was when this happened. I felt and saw these amorphous forms floating in the darkness above me inside the church. St. Paul’s Episcopal Church.

Anyway this angel said to me that maybe energy goes in loops which are solid and stable and do not just spread out like a wave to dissipate. This is probably the ‘third alternative to the particle/wave duality’ that I was being urged to think about a few weeks ago, which I didn’t really write about in my blog. Moving or spinning loops, or spinning geometric forms, are mentioned in David Wilcock’s books as a model of the atom. These forms change shape with ‘frequency,’ but the word ‘frequency’ is overused and overhyped so much that nobody knows what it is.

So with the string theory of energy, we have spinning rubber bands that are also knotted. Knots of flowing energy. What about the vortex theory? Spinning vortices are temporary, but they can be stable for a relatively long time. Knots, the… the… topology of knots. Knots that have no ends and cannot be untied. They are sealed shut at both ends. They intertwine in many places. They can be expanded or contracted. I couldn’t remember the word ‘topology.’

I just need a theory, a model, that describes *HOW* the energy survives after the death of the body, and how it retains its memory and its identity, and how it enters a new body during incarnation, and how it merges into other pools of energy in different layers of reality.

I wouldn’t be preoccupied with this so much, except that I know my life is hopeless. I am going to fail at every single mission that I have either given to myself or have been given by others, due to chronic fatigue syndrome, unavoidable electronic weapon attacks, and the need to earn money as a money slave in our society where we cannot obtain free food or free land to live on. I know my life will fail. I’m 42, and my body is already falling apart due to the things I have done to survive so far, my hip joints and my teeth, destroyed by caffeine and other chemicals. There is almost no likelihood that I will ever do the things I fantasize about, such as starting an intentional religion called Anaya, which is intended to permanently improve the world of the future. The likelihood of this happening in reality is extremely small due to the overwhelming factors I mentioned above. I am being attacked with evil and prevented from thinking a single thought. I have chronic fatigue and cannot do anything at all except struggle to sleep more and more.

There was a theory that high cranial pressure causes fatigue. I do actually feel like I have too much pressure in my head. This is caused by the Weston Price deformity of having a too small opening from the skull into the spine, so that fluids cannot flow freely into the spinal column during sleep, to wash out the wastes inside the brain, when the caverns open up inside the brain while you’re asleep. The wastes are clogged inside my brain, causing me to need sleep all day long. The ‘apnea’ is not merely when you stop breathing, it’s when the liquids also stop flowing easily through your brain, your skull, your neck, your spine, all the lymphatic fluids and all the cerebrospinal fluids, due to this extremely small, deformed hole in the bottom of the skull, combined with chronic inflammation of the brain and the spine from vaccines and other infections and probably the herpes virus and the other one that I can’t remember the name of, which is almost universal. Cytomegalovirus? I think maybe. Chronic viruses cause inflammation of the brain, and for me, it got worse after I was attacked by someone from Craigslist and forced to get rabies a couple years ago, and then was forced to get the rabies shot.

However, draining fluid from the spine with a lumbar puncture or whatever is also dangerous. You do not want to poke holes in there to drain fluids, because poking holes into anything at all introduces air, bacteria, chemicals, and other things that will never get out of there once they’re in there. Draining the brain fluid was something that people were claiming gave them relief from chronic fatigue, and it was extremely effective for them, but it is a dangerous treatment. I don’t remember the specific words and names for this. I read about it a few years ago.

Anyway, I know I’m preoccupied with life after death now, because I am certain that I am going to fail every single mission that I have in life due to factors I can’t control. The only hope is to be reincarnated into a new body; however, don’t take me the wrong way – I am NOT SUICIDAL and have sworn never to commit suicide for any reason, although there might be some unthinkable circumstances where it would be okay, but this would be an extremely small number of circumstances. I intend to live until the very last possible second, and my life will have to be ripped away from me by some force more powerful than I am, whatever that force may be.

Okay, I guess I will post this. I had a vivarin pill today. All it has done is make me write an extremely long blog.

What is planning? Standing up in the void, looking around to see where I am, throwing a line into the future, pinning it down, pulling myself forward along it, then being tackled by a football player

May 14, 2017

5:09 AM 5/14/2017

I am absolutely, 100% under the influence of drug residues, because I absolutely could not have thought of this insight any other way. This is a bizarre and temporary way of thinking which will never happen again, as soon as the drug residues are washed off. I also noticed that I was planning to go to vocational school, only when I was covered in drug residues from Chris. I also have Jesse’s drug residues on me, too, and I don’t know what those drugs are, because he visited me and I hugged him, and told him I have trichomoniasis. He was very nice about it. So, we did not have sex.

I felt as guilty as though we did have sex, because he asked me, if we had sex, would I tell his girlfriend? I said no, I wouldn’t, and I knew that if I hadn’t had an STD I would have had sex with him. So it was just as if I actually had done it, and then, as if I would have to lie when questioned, as his girlfriend does know who I am and knows my phone number. I could only tell the truth, which would be, ‘We didn’t have sex, but it was only because I have trichomoniasis.’

This isn’t the insight I was referring to that was bizarre that will never happen again. I don’t want to take drugs, and so I would rather live a life without these sorts of insights, because all the drugs that cause it are so extremely harmful to life that it is not worth it.

I woke up and began to think about planning and to-do lists and scheduling. But I ended up writing in my notebook about all the reasons why I can’t plan. I know from 42 years of experience that I can’t plan, yet desperately need to.

I used to get time management books, years ago. I want to do that again. I really want to think about time management. This is probably my socionic role function, Ni, although I don’t know if it’s the plus sign or minus sign. This is the equivalent of David Wilcock learning how to do martial arts to defend himself, which is Se, his role function. These are things that it’s really beneficial to learn how to do, and yet they are not valued functions within the quadra. So you only learn to do them at a two-dimensional level: norms and experience. They are weak, but you can be complimented on how well you do this role function, and you feel really awesome if someone compliments you on how well you do it. That is how the role function works.

The insight: I was meditating, trying to do some sort of EFT tapping about the fact that I can’t plan. I was affirming ‘I can plan,’ and then trying to tap or massage the locations that had anxiety (physical pain, clenching muscles in my abdomen). No matter how much I do this, it doesn’t go away. Then I get mind controlled and attacked; however, since I am on somebody’s drug residues, the voices that constantly murmur in a nonstop stream are quieter than usual. It could be Jack’s drugs too – he’s on some kind of ‘happy pill.’ Jack is Aunt Jean’s boyfriend, and I hugged him.

As I sat there, mindlessly repeating the gibberish meaningless words ‘I can plan’ without understanding them, without absorbing them, without connecting them to anything at all, I then asked myself, ‘What is the meaning of the word “plan?”‘ Or rather, I was asked by a benevolent helper.

So I had to define the word ‘plan.’ But I was not going to use a verbal dictionary definition. This was a brief, magical moment when my brain was able to do the magic it was meant to be able to do. I don’t know which drug residue enabled me to temporarily be able to do this again. I can’t do this thing anymore and haven’t been able to do it in decades.

I said, ‘Planning is…’ and then I attempted to perform a ‘plan’ action, and then I said, ‘…throwing a line into the future, stapling it down, and walking along it.’ You throw this line out from your body. It has to be stapled down. It’s like mountain climbing into the future, which is ahead of you. Neurolinguistic programming has a book called ‘Time Line Therapy,’ which I read years ago, but I don’t have the book because of the decontamination where I threw away all my belongings.

While I am mountain climbing into the future, throwing a line ahead, pinning it down, then pulling myself along it, there are these things that happen. A football player tackles me sideways, ripping up the line that was pinned down and knocking me off spinning into the void, because I am surrounded by a huge black void of nothing, and I become totally lost in the void, with no plan, no rope, nothing pinned down in place, and have to start all over. These football players are not merely ‘unplanned events’ or ‘distractions,’ although that is part of what they are. For me, they are electronic mind control.

But usually, I am not allowed to even get as far as the moment of throwing a line into the future. I don’t know why I’m allowed to do that again for a brief moment tonight, and probably never again for years. It has to be some kind of drug residues on my skin, which will be washed off, and they will be on the clothes until the laundry is done. I usually cannot even focus enough to throw out the line ahead of me, because the football players are tackling me the instant I start to even do the throw.

The entire plan of my life must consist of building a shield to protect against electronic weapon attacks and ambient radio background noise, because I cannot plan otherwise, and my entire life is an absolute waste due to the fact that I cannot plan.

In a silent world where I am not being tackled by soul murderers, I would be able to throw these lines out a much longer distance, and they would remain in place when I pinned them down. I would also be able to pin another line out from the place where the first line was pinned down, so that it would be a series of pinned down lines into the void of the future.

All of this magic has been utterly destroyed by the electronic weapon attacks, and I am aware that it will soon vanish and never happen to me again, probably when I take a shower, and if I do the laundry. It is absolutely only because of someone’s drug residues; yet I will not use those drugs, because when I take any drugs at all, no matter what they are, even something as benign as the herbal St. John’s Wort, several things happen: I become totally mind controlled and I do crazy things that the soul murderers force me to do, and I also become sexually aroused and preoccupied with sex constantly, and I do inappropriate behaviors, and have a constant fake happiness which is tiresome and boring.

Drugs are absolutely not what I want. What I want is freedom from constant electronic weapon attacks. I want freedom from the murmuring voice that never stops whispering in my head and prevents me from thinking. I want freedom from the tacklers who knock me into the void as soon as I am able to throw a line into the future, or before I can even throw the line, as I am standing there. They tackle me the instant I try to stand up and look around to see where I am, actually. I try to look into the void to see where I am, and they tackle me.

All of this is some form of astral projection, which I am not allowed to do. It is using the electromagnetic energy of my brain and my nervous system to reach outwards into the electromagnetic environment, in the space and the ether around me. Everyone needs to be able to do this. It is magic. It is what makes us human and alive. Someone might say that this is some other type of energy and not just mundane electromagnetic energy – that’s fine with me – I don’t have enough knowledge to say what all the different kinds of energy in the universe are. It’s just energy, all lumped together.

This is the magic that I used to do when I was a young child, before the electronic weapon attacks began, and probably also before we were universally surrounded by so much radio background noise as we are nowadays. All of it is real. This magic really exists.

Dinner with Aunt Jean, cousin Carol, saw my dad and Jean’s boyfriend Jack; and a sequel to ‘What Dreams May Come,’ a movie about reincarnation and heaven and hell

May 13, 2017

It’s a beautiful, clear, cool day, and all the flowers are blooming. I went to Foxdale Village where Aunt Jean lives, and cousin Carol took us to a nearby church for the dinner. My dad was visiting Aunt Jean. He had gone to see a horse sanctuary and had stopped up here to see us too. Jack had some kind of problem and collapsed while he was in a store a few days ago, but is doing okay as of right now.

It’s interesting to look at Aunt Jean and see how healthy she seems to be for 87, in my opinion. She isn’t really healthy in an ideal way – she has a hip and knee replacement, and is type 2 diabetic and uses some insulin and has a weird diet with practically no fat, which I’m not really happy about. But in spite of that she seems to be healthy. I do question some of the things I’ve learned, and I’m able to question a little bit about fats. I think primitive hunter gatherers would not have had as much fat in the diet as the modern Weston Price advocates are doing. It was simply harder to obtain.

I came home on my bike after this dinner with a feeling of
semi-happiness, although it is not a deep or strong happiness. It is a small, frail, unfinished happiness. I’m glad to see my family. I also hugged various people who are on all sorts of drugs, so I have some ‘happy drugs’ along with it – I absorb other people’s drugs through my skin, after they excrete the partially metabolized drugs through their skin, and these metabolites are still active and cause side effects.

I was seeing something that made me think of ‘What Dreams May Come.’ It wasn’t just because all the flowers are blooming. Lilacs – they were everywhere in that movie. The colors were associated with particular people and particular moods, red and blue/violet mostly. I was thinking… The sequel to ‘What Dreams May Come’ would elaborate upon the world created in the original movie, with the same ‘rules’ of that world. You can’t do this, you can’t do that. It could tie in several time periods – the time period of the first movie, and the time period in the next life when Christy and Annie met again.

But there is a sinister theme. It turns out that somebody evil actually arranged for all the children and Christy to be killed, for the purpose of getting Annie to go to hell, and they never thought he’d be able to rescue her. Now they’re going to try again in the next lifetime to get her. We get a look back at the previous movie behind the scenes of what happened. There is some series of events that led up to all the car crashes that killed them all, and we see those events, and it’s not a mere accident or coincidence.

I feel like I’m riding through that movie right now in the spring when all the flower petals are falling everywhere as I’m on my bike.

To explore the idea of the movie further, we would discover that there are active groups of people who are doing evil and doing good. The movie was godless, but also Satanless, the first movie. Maybe there is more to it than that. Maybe they just hadn’t seen any of them in a long time. I don’t want it to be a mere battle between only two forces, as I see the universe as a place with many forces who are in gray areas of good and evil which are hard to classify, and some of them are allied with each other, sometimes reluctantly. The sequel would have to still be confident about its idea of what is good, and how to save Annie. How could he save her again? Would she save him instead? Is somebody going to try to get Christy? What about their children – is there anything significant or important about them in the next life?

I really felt that this would be a good idea for a sequel, and that there are so many possible things to explore and develop, unanswered questions and ideas that were only glimpsed in the first movie.

Still hanging on, almost done. Odd connection to a construction worker or whatever he was

May 13, 2017

I survived the overnight with a full cup of decaf and some chocolate snacks.

I saw a grown man who looked and felt like Agustin, as though it was his father. There was a silent connection to him. These Mexican/Guatemalan people are much more connected than we are. I feel a stronger empathic bond with them than I do with my own people sometimes. I can believe in the existence of the Maya breakaway civilization. They already have an independent group in Guatemala living the traditional lifestyle, and groups that escaped into the jungle during the Spanish invasion.

I ate a microwave meal on plastic today, so my hormones are messed up. I especially can’t think of people sexually until I no longer have trich. I just remember we all loved the Guatemalans, all of us at Kaarma, and I’m not the only one who has had a relationship with one of them.
But an advanced, space-flying technological breakaway civilization? Yeah, I think so.

MM’s toilet never stops clogging

May 13, 2017

I talked about this with Cyn. The outdoor bathroom has a toilet that clogs every day. She said our maintenance people came to fix it several times, but it is not fixed and clogs again immediately after they leave. It has a serious problem. I don’t know how long it’s been that way, but it’s been since I started in February or whenever. I want to get someone like Roto-Rooter to fix it. If it’s a plumbing problem, then it requires some major work, and I don’t know how much that would cost or how long it would take. It is a nightmare to clean, as it is always filled with solid and liquid waste and often vomit from the drunks. We no longer put paper towels out there, but that didn’t fix it.

Off the caffeine wagon twice

May 12, 2017

A couple days ago, I had half a cup of decaf, then went back to no caff. Tonight I felt a strong urge to get another cup. I got a full cup of decaf. Decaf is actually toxic – it messes up my brain so I do stupid mistakes. I don’t know what chemicals are in it. I am in a horribly bad mood for no reason. The only unusual things I did were scrubbing the shower, and eating some fresh herbs, which might influence my mood. I don’t know which one did it, if any, or if it was pesticide sprayed on them or something. I forget if they were organic. I think they might be. I’m doing an overnight shift right now. I really hope maybe this cup of decaf improves my mood.

for some reason I’m very annoyed

May 12, 2017

I don’t know what I’m having a reaction to. I’m not merely annoyed ‘because of something.’ A long lasting annoyance is caused by something specific.

I know I still have trich, because I can feel bubbling. This parasite causes frothing in the vaginal fluids, which I could never see, but I feel it – those were the ‘crawling sensations.’ Over the next few days the infection will regrow.

It looks like it will be susceptible to pawpaw, but I’m afraid to try the pawpaw because it absolutely is emetic. I almost threw up from drinking the tea I made that came from the winter twigs harvested in January during the time when their chemical constituent is lowest. I think that was when I heated the tea. When I just soaked it cold, it didn’t make me sick. I don’t know how on earth cancer patients can even swallow one single pill long enough to absorb anything to treat their cancer, but maybe enemas would work. I just don’t have any tools right now to give myself an enema. I seriously would try that, on a day when I didn’t have to go to work, so that if I spent the day vomiting, I wouldn’t have to call off.

I’m going to try vinegar too. I need something like that turkey baster that we used to have at my parents’ house. I seem to remember Mom showing me how to use something like that for douching. However I think there is also a douche that was okay at the pharmacy – no wait, I forgot, they said don’t douche with an STD. I’ll use vinegar somehow, not sure how, maybe using the tampon method that I used with the tea tree oil. I didn’t do the tea tree oil every day, only once, to observe the side effects. It does cause me to have strange and unpleasant sensations after a few minutes.

I’m annoyed at Amazon because of their ‘add-on items’ bullshit, something which is small and they won’t ship it if you haven’t spent $25. I did buy a couple things on Amazon but I didn’t want to spend as much money as I had to spend to get one particular thing that I had the idea to get. If I could only drive a car to go shopping at the Nature’s Pantry store, because it’s a huge pain in the ass to ride the bus to get there – the buses to it are infrequent and you have to walk a long way from the bus up a hill – then I’d be able to get some of the things I got there. I ordered them from Amazon simply because it’s easier for me to pick them up at the UPS store than it is to make an errand to go to Nature’s Pantry.

I broke down and wrote a note mentioning that if Cyn needed to cut my hours, she could, because students aren’t here. I don’t feel very comfortable about this, but Dad is giving me some money every month to help me pay my rent. I don’t want to rely too much on that – it makes me anxious and I don’t like having to beg for it. Dad isn’t sadistic about it, he just might forget, and I don’t like demanding money from him – he told me to remind him if he forgot. I just have such severe fatigue that I can’t run a single errand or do a single task around the hours that I am working. There’s plenty of time around my job in theory, but only if you’re not a chronically fatigued chemical sensitive person who’s still in the process of troubleshooting. I’ve been going through a very bad spell of fatigue.

I did do one thing, which was, I scrubbed the bathtub with Comet scouring cleanser. I had to do this because there is something in there, some residue, causing fatigue when I take a bath. Taking a bath does it, but taking a shower doesn’t, or rather, it’s less. It still gets on the bottoms of my feet. I know this from past experience – when I had lots of drug residue contamination in the apartment long ago, I had to scrub the bathtub or taking a shower or bath would put new residues on me. Only a scouring cleanser will get it off there. It has to be a sandy kind with limestone or whatever they put in it.

I haven’t done the laundry in an extremely long time. I also have these new man’s pants that are excessively big because of my extreme impatience with shopping. I need some that fit a little better. I should also try to wash and shrink them. Three out of four of them have a huge bulging crotch, which makes them embarrassing to wear. The fourth pair doesn’t have such a huge crotch, so now I’ve been wearing only one pair of pants over and over again – like before I went out and bought pants. I need to do the laundry! These pants are pale tan and they show all the dirt.

So it still seems as though sage does something for my brain, in addition to rosemary. They both do different things, and when I use them together I get the best benefit. Live rosemary wasn’t available at the grocery store, and trying to find it would require an errand, which is extremely costly, ranging from difficult to impossible. Jason had live rosemary when I lived at their house. I’ve also left my two avocado trees there, but I kind of want to give them as a gift, even though that’s a strange gift that they might not really want, especially since I don’t think they even eat avocados.

Pawpaw for trichomoniasis – it looks likely. They use fermentation, just like cancer.

I’m ‘getting transferred’

May 12, 2017

Something that one of the voices said this morning, in an unhappy tone, was that I was going to be ‘transferred’ because of the Matthew incident. ‘Transfers’ happen all the time, though, regardless. It’s when I get ‘clueless newbies’ in the voices, and all the previous voices who might have been used to me are gone. I seem to have some characters who stay around for years and years, though. I don’t know how much of this is really happening, versus a game where they pretend it’s happening, because I don’t know how many different individuals and groups are interacting with me. I can never tell if it’s only one group playing a ‘good cop, bad cop’ routine, or if there really are different people who are good and bad. I only know that the best ones usually leave the quickest – the nicest ones are the ones who get hurt and frustrated the most easily, and abandon me the quickest, while the sort of hardened cynical people are the only ones who stick around and don’t get their feelings hurt.

When you interact with someone through voices in their head, and they speak back to you with subvocal speech whispers, it is NOT AT ALL THE SAME as a regular conversation where you can see the real person standing in front of you, see their facial expressions, and respond to them. In subvocal speech, I often spew out hatred and I tell them extremely negative truths, which I would not do face to face. I do this most if I am sick or on drugs, but even so, on a normal day, I still frequently just ignore them if they try to talk to me (I wouldn’t do that in a real conversation) because I can’t tell when it’s an actual person versus a random computerized gibberish whose only purpose is to interfere with my thoughts by making noise. There is so much random gibberish I can’t respond to it all, and a lot of it seems to be an AI, or an AS, artificial stupidity, whose only purpose is to prevent me from thinking on my own by constantly making background noise. Some background noise is from the background radio waves which are everywhere, and that’s why I need a shielded room.

The voice sounded apologetic and regretful and mentioned that I had judged it as evil because of the events that occurred with Matthew. Again, I can’t tell who I’m dealing with and have no idea if I am talking to one of the good people, one of the bad people, or random computer gibberish, at any given moment, although there are times when I clearly feel that I’m talking to somebody who is ‘nice’ and I actually hear unexpected, unpredictable things, which are different from the random gibberish – the gibberish is meaningless and repetitive. So if I say that someone is evil because of what they did to me, in reality I cannot tell if my life is being controlled by a hostile group, a benevolent group, a particular individual, or what, or just random events that happen by accident. I don’t believe they are all powerful, and I do believe that accidents do happen, even though they have tried to convince me that they control every molecule at every moment in time.

Somebody different might have brought Matthew to me, but then a separate, different group might have added things for me to say to him. My writing habit is so strong, so intense, so deeply burned into my brain, and so filled with evil garbage from decades of trauma and brainwashing, including constant brain-burns from the zaps of electricity that I get all the time that reshape my brain, that when I took a caffeine pill and started writing to Matthew, all the horrors came out, through a medium where I could not see his facial expression responding. I can’t talk that way in person at all.

I had observed a similarity in the pattern of ‘being invited to a church on a holiday, but not being able to get there the first time’ as something that happened both with Jesse and with Matthew, and after I wrote about that, a voice – one of the ‘hardened cynical voices’ who seems to stick with me a long time, predicted that there would be another Matthew-like person, or it would happen again, this Christmas.

In a way, that’s annoying – I don’t mean to imply that it HAS TO ALWAYS be that way, just because I saw a pattern. Yes, I saw a pattern, but it could just as easily happen in the summer when there are no holidays. It doesn’t HAVE TO be on Christmas or some holiday. I don’t want to have to wait an entire year to fall in love with somebody again. I would rather fall in love very soon, although I would prefer to wait until I feel sure I don’t have trichomoniasis, which means I want a testing kit or else I just want to go to the same place I went before and get tested again.

But there is always some reason why it’s bad timing for me. There is no such thing as a good time, and there never will be. My life is endless chaos and suffering. The person who truly loves me must understand that this chaos is neverending, and they must put up with whatever craziness is going on at the moment. David Wilcock wrote about that in his book – he said something similar. He said that his life was like a ‘crazy movie’ or something like that, and if any new person were to step into his life and see what’s going on and how he has to live, they wouldn’t understand why he was doing any of the things he was doing. My life is just like that. I have to do a ‘disclosure’ to each new person to tell them why I do A, why I do B, why I do C, why I cannot do XYZ, and why I never ever want to do DEFG again, and so on.

This regretful-sounding voice who told me he had to do a transfer because I had judged him as evil about the Matthew incident – that’s exactly the kind of thing that prevents them from ever figuring me out. They always leave and go look for someone easier to deal with.

I remember something about charities – I read about how they make you feel – intractable social problems. People become exhausted when they are trying to solve intractable social problems. My life is an intractable social problem that no one has enough time, energy, resources, or power to fix. Anyone who interacts with me must know that they are going to fail at almost everything they try with me, and I’m going to judge them and hate them for it, no matter what they do. That is why the ‘hardened cynic’ seems to be one of the only voices that seems relatively consistent over time.

So, all the nice voices left and I’m not hearing them now. I’m also very stagnant right now and frustrated.

I’m troubleshooting my chronic fatigue at the moment. It’s the biggest obstacle.

My symptoms are greatly reduced, along with my racism

May 12, 2017

2:42 PM 5/12/2017

So, this is sort of good news, for the moment, but I am not sure of it yet and want to do more testing. There are test kits you can order at home, although they are $80. I hate psychological pricing: they are actually $79 – in my world, psychological pricing is illegal, and I’m not a libertarian anymore because of stupid stuff like this that the free market insists on doing, no matter how much of an inconvenience it is to the consumer. This is an example of what people mean when they say that capitalists will do anything at all to scrape up a few more pennies of profit, and don’t care what consumers want. NOBODY WANTS PSYCHOLOGICAL PRICING, yet it is everywhere, universal, and unavoidable. You can’t escape from it, you can’t find any
alternatives to it, and even nice, decent, intelligent people are using it – I brought this topic up in a forum and talked to some people who I liked who told me they themselves put $.99 on everything they sold, just because that’s what we do.


So I can get test kits.

I noticed that my dislike of black people also greatly reduced along with my symptoms. I have had several incidents of meeting or talking to black men in public places, at work or while shopping, just brief incidents, where I felt less disgusted by them and felt that they might actually be nice, decent people. When my symptoms were worse, I pretty much loathed all black men, even the nice ones, and was thinking disgusted thoughts about them in spite of their niceness. I can still be annoyed by particular people, who might be worse examples of black people, but overall, my attitude towards black men improves as my STD is reduced.

I will not take for granted that I am cured until I do some more tests. There are still some symptoms which are not completely gone, and I expect that the infection will regrow as time passes without antibiotics. However, the antibiotics made me so exhausted I could not just get more and keep taking them. I have to live my life and I have urgent things that need to be done. I only know that other people on the internet say that they have struggled with
trichomoniasis for many months or years and haven’t been able to get rid of it, and I believe this is possible and I will be watching out for it.

Cyn’s gonna quit

May 11, 2017

She can’t get time off. She has all this constant pain and back problems. If she quits she will be replaced by some retard who makes me hate my job.

Instantly less tired after stopping antibiotic

May 11, 2017

I don’t feel so bad today. I tested the tea tree oil last night with the focus on "do no harm to the patient" first rather than whether it worked or not. I will test it again and also do more tests for trich. I have a sort of pain in my uterus which no topical oil can reach. So I will need antiparasitic treatments that are taken internally. I may apply tea tree oil to the abdomen too.

Last antibiotic; Jesse came home

May 10, 2017

I don’t have time to write this. I have to go to work. I am dead, dead, dead exhausted, and I’m not taking any more antibiotics right now. I’m pretty sure they are making me a lot more tired, and I can’t afford to be any more tired. They are also not 100% effective. I’m going to order some stuff online, like at-home trichomoniasis tests. Yes, I’m extremely frustrated about this not being easy to do, and also very concerned about how it would be cured in men, if it goes into the prostate gland. If it goes into the prostate, then does it go up to the ovaries? If so, it has to be treated by something that goes everywhere, not merely a douche of some sort.

Also, I looked for a douche last night (and didn’t think to go into the dozens of bars around this town to find them, as I know there are hundreds of them out there) – at the pharmacy, that is, and they had warnings that said you shouldn’t use any kind of douche if you have an STD because it can lead to pelvic inflammatory disease and some other stuff. So I am going to use the ‘tampon method’ that I saw described, where you put diluted tea tree oil on a tampon. You’re not supposed to use oils at full strength, I know.

Jesse came home. He called me while I was at work yesterday. Some stuff happened to him that I don’t have time to tell. He was supposed to fly home on a particular day but was delayed when he got thrown in jail, to make a long story short. I forget which day now, but it wouldn’t have mattered, because I’m pretty sure Matthew was already gone by then.

He has another girlfriend, and he and I did not have sex, and I didn’t have to explain that I have an STD and didn’t have to tell the story of the ‘de facto rape’ – it was rape because I am mind controlled and therefore cannot protect myself the way I used to before I was mind controlled. I can’t say no when I want to say no because I am forcibly brainwashed to say yes. Even though it seemed like I was physically able to leave the room and wasn’t physically restrained, I am under constant mind control and do not have free will.

It’s interesting, even though I have only a few tiny fragments of data, I can now compare Jesse and Matthew, socionic lookalikes, ESFP and ENFP. I can say, ‘What did Matthew do that was so unusual, that Jesse would never do?’

I have to go to work now. Last antibiotic, and then I have to work on trying alternatives and doing at-home testing.

Not 100% gone, almost done with pills – time for alternatives

May 9, 2017

8:59 AM 5/9/2017

This isn’t going to be a super long blog. I’m on the 6th day of my antibiotics. It’s not working 100%. When I had giardiasis, Flagyl worked immediately for that on the very first day, but it’s not working for this. I can feel tickling sensations of parasites crawling, and the burning inside my vagina is still there. The discharge is less severe than it was before, but that’s also because I’m able to take showers now that I’m not camping – my whole situation is more hygienic.

So I am looking at alternative cures now. I do at least have a diagnosis for sure. I could even try the pawpaw pills, used vaginally, that I didn’t use for Mom’s cancer. I won’t do that when I’m working, because those cause vomiting, and I have a feeling they are so toxic they will cause vomiting even when used vaginally.

The infection does seem to be less bad.

All the discussions talk about curing it in women, but not men. You can’t do suppositories or douches or whatever in men. What on earth would you use for them? Pawpaws are antiparasitic and are used for lice. It’s not something that I will take lightly. I’m also going to do tea tree oil. But again, how could a man do tea tree oil? It was a douche. There must be some method of douching a penis. How far up inside the penis does the infection go?

So, I will try the tea tree oil douche first, keeping in mind that it must be even harder to treat a man with the infection, and that some method must be devised.

The Flagyl might have slightly reduced my infection, but it is definitely not 100% gone, and like I said, I’m almost done with the pills. I’m not going to try taking it again. Other people on the net are having the same problem.

Yeah, 7am is not good for me

May 8, 2017

I have trouble sleeping at nighttime, but not so much in the daytime. I tend to feel best at night and that’s when I want to get up and do things, but I can’t because I have a roommate who has no other time to sleep except night. She left to go to China for a month, so now I am alone in the apartment, so I have a few weeks of being able to do stuff at nighttime and walk around the apartment naked, that kind of thing.

I am going in at 7:00am this morning, and what I feel is that feeling I always knew from jobs where I had to be there early, even at 8am or 9am – I have this feeling of intense rebellion and hatred, and a feeling of growing commitment to changing my job or doing something to fix this. I hate it so much it is like a form of torture, and I had a facebook friend who said the same thing during a time when he wasn’t feeling well, that any job before 11am was the equivalent of torture. I totally agree.

I feel more and more strongly that something needs to change in my life and that I am frustrated. However, I’m cautious right now – I’m on antibiotics, and one time, when I was on antibiotics for a urinary tract infection, I got so depressed I actually QUIT my job. I only have a few more pills to take, and by god I hope they work. I’m not going to quit my job suddenly – I don’t feel that bad.

But this feeling is growing and getting stronger. Something in my life absolutely must change, because my current life is totally unacceptable.

However, I have all this stuff that I have to do. For instance, TAXES. I just didn’t do my taxes at all, not even the federal – fuck ’em! It wasn’t on purpose, it was because of moving into this apartment, having chronic fatigue, and so on, and having a huge mess of bags with things in them and not being able to find anything. I also was unemployed for a large part of 2016, and then, I worked under the table and got cash in the summer at Kaarma. That year was a total waste – the reason I hate it is because I never got it together enough to go home and visit my parents, during the year when Mom was slowly dying of cancer. I really, really wanted to go.

I have this rebellion of not wanting to get up and go to work. I’m not ready – I have to get dressed and fix my hair. I’m not using caffeine, so there is absolutely no comfort for me on this earth right now.

The other thing I have to do is find a permanent apartment with a lease, after this sublet, and that has to be done quickly – I can’t waste time.