Hannah and the snakebite thing, and the screaming lady

July 19, 2017

I just looked at Hannah’s page again and I had forgotten that she’s got a video about snakes attacking someone – in a room where the snakes were being kept in cages. So the snake bite allegory (is allegory the word) is almost definitely associated with her. Also, I thought the other day she could be an ESFP, but no, she could just as well be an ISTP – I can’t tell. I just don’t feel quite sure about those people who I think are female ISTPs who are
super-super-positive, always cheerful, who say things like they love Jesus. Jesus-loving, super-happy, always-positive-cheerful ISTPs might not be an ISTP, but I don’t know for sure. There really are variations among members of the same type, so she could actually be the same type I am. She could be on antidepressants, which make you able to tolerate things you normally would hate or ignore. She could have much higher happy-hormone levels than I do.

I have to always assume that everything Matthew does is centered around Hannah, and will continue to be centered around Hannah, even though they ‘had a major falling out’ or whatever it was he said happened to them. There’s no such thing as merely ‘having a falling out’ and it’s over. He’s going to keep obsessing about her for YEARS until and unless he finds a replacement person to obsess over. If he were able to stop taking the Prozac, and then decontaminate his clothing and belongings from the Prozac – new clothing, new
belongings, living in a new house – then maybe he’d be able to disconnect from Hannah somewhat, by reducing the intensity of the emotions. The drugs distort and intensify the emotions.

However, ‘One Does Not Simply… quit taking Prozac.’ I took the lowest dose for only a week, and opened up the pills and dumped out the powder and took even less than the lowest dose, and when I quit it cold turkey because of the horrible side effects, even after only one week, I went through HORRIFYING WITHDRAWAL, IN ALL CAPS, FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH OR LONGER. Horrible symptoms lasted for over a month, horrible nightmares and hallucinations, electric zapping all over my body, the terror of darkness, so that every night at nightfall I was so terrified I could not sleep, but instead turned on every single light in my room, and it wasn’t enough, so I went to Giant grocery store and stood there chatting, in the bright lights, with my ex-boyfriend who was working at the bakery (once again, you were there for me Eric).

So, Hannah could also possibly be using drugs. I don’t know enough about her to explain why all of her posts are super-cheerful and super-positive and why she is almost never not smiling. I don’t know enough about her to be absolutely certain which personality type she is, and so I can’t use socionics to explain what happened in her relationship with Matthew and why, why in all the universe, was she unable to appreciate him the way I do. Why in the world, why in the universe, would somebody ever say ‘No’ to him? This is totally unthinkable to me, but it did happen, and I wanted to understand why. That was originally why I was looking at her page, in the beginning, when he talked about her. I wanted to somehow understand the incomprehensible.

She’s young, she’s pretty, she’s normal, she doesn’t have weird beliefs, weird preferences, weird experiences, that would make her unable to find somebody else. So she can still look into the future and optimistically believe that she has infinite time to find the perfect guy, the absolute perfect guy, to marry. She’s with someone else, she told me. I don’t know who and haven’t seen him.

There are things I only learned when I was older. There are also things you don’t do when you’re still living at home with your parents. I might have been more free with Terry if I hadn’t been living at home with my parents – Terry, the guy I was seeing as a teenager. We had this turbulent, abusive relationship, and he was on drugs, but if I had been living independently, I might have considered having sex with him. We didn’t really have sex, we just ‘made out,’ kissing and stuff. We were together for years without having sex. This is what I mean when I say that I had extremely strong boundaries when I was young, which have been eroded and are now weak – I’ve said ‘yes’ to too many people and situations nowadays. But surely the lack of sex frustrated Terry and contributed to the turbulence. If we had simply had sex, a lot of the fighting and abuse would not have happened or would not have mattered. Then again, it might have intensified, I don’t know.

Hannah and Matthew were friends together without having sex, although I do not have information about whether they had any physical interaction other than putting their arms around each other. I didn’t ask and didn’t have enough time to try again to ask anything else.

I only know that when you are young and beautiful, you have infinite time. But my own life was not free, even back then – I was already being attacked with electronic weapons. I didn’t know how badly my life was going to be ruined, or how impossible it would be to meet new guys, while working at a slave job and suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome. I don’t know Hannah’s future. What kind of job will she have? Will she complete school, and get a job in her field?

I have had to endure the ‘screaming lady’ ever since I looked at Matthew’s page again. The ‘screaming lady’ puts voices into my head to attack me with regard to anything at all associated with Matthew, and I think the screaming lady is responsible for forcing that guy Dave (a customer I met at work) to start texting me and wanting to violate me, and giving me horribly disgusting evil space bubble violations when I talked with him. He had forced urges, and was being forced to approach me as punishment for the times I tried to talk to Matthew – every time I tried to reach Matthew, I was punished by having Dave try to reach me, even though Dave is an incompatible socionic type and so the situation is not parallel or analogous, and Matthew and I got along much better than Dave and I. I’m not analogous to Dave, but nevertheless, the shrieking screaming voice lady thinks that I’m exactly equivalent to him and I need to be punished and rejected and pushed away because I am a horribly evil danger to Matthew and I am an inhuman monster who deserves to be treated in the worst ways imaginable. The screaming lady might not be a lady, as in, the actual button-pusher operating the mind control device that puts her voices into my head, but I can only say that the button-pushers are putting her persona amongst the voices. The screaming lady hates me, and I hate her equally in return.

I didn’t use eleuthero today – only intermittently

July 19, 2017

I have to go to work today. I’m not using eleuthero every day, because it affects my mood and behavior so strongly. I change into a completely different person, and it leads to trouble – new friends, new boyfriends, things I wouldn’t necessarily want to do, which I agree to do during a time when I’m suggestible.

Also, I am kind of wondering when we are going to see the next blog post from David Wilcock. It’s been a very long time (I have an RSS feed that checks that page). I also hope that my absolute flaming hatred of the Law of One isn’t bothering anybody who likes the Law of One. I haven’t read all of it, only bits and pieces. When I talk to people in the real world, in person, I don’t attack their beliefs directly the way I do if I write a blog. I can complain about how much I can’t stand Christianity, but if I am with a Christian, I actually make an effort to understand what they are saying and how they feel. It’s just that I can only tolerate it as long as that person is there, but if I have to go into the world of Christianity on my own, I immediately start to dislike it again. Probably the same for the LO1 (the people in a forum wrote it that way, surely to avoid making it into ‘the loo.’).

I’m still feeling the effects of eleuthero today. I could tell I felt different when I woke up – there are sensations that I recognize. It takes a day to get out of the system.

If I attack other people’s cherished belief systems, surely someone could also attack mine. I have my own ideologies. I believe in eating meat, and could be attacked for that, especially because I myself am very reluctant to kill or harm animals, although I really do intend to go hunting someday, I just can’t do it right now. I really don’t like killing farm animals that you’ve had a relationship with for a long time, but it feels more acceptable to kill an animal who is a stranger who doesn’t trust you, a wild free roaming animal. So, I can imagine hunting a wild deer. I don’t think I can kill a cow that I’ve had grazing on my farm for years.

I also am into socionics and use it all the time, and someone could criticize me for that – Rick D. became ‘the ex-socionist’ and is now arguing about why socionics is bad (he mostly doesn’t write articles anymore). I feel I absolutely have to rely on this tool to understand people and relationships and can’t imagine going without it, so I’m very vulnerable to being attacked for that.

People are able to attack me for things I don’t expect, where I don’t even know I’m vulnerable. That’s the definition of being vulnerable, when you don’t even know what to expect, because you don’t even know it’s a vulnerability. It never occurs to you that somebody could even attack you there.

So I am kind of concerned that my absolute hatred and total distrust of the Law of One could be upsetting anyone? I haven’t tried to read it in a while. But every time I do, my fur bristles immediately, and every word grates against me and triggers my ‘screaming evil’ red flag. I can’t help that feeling. It really might be because I read Ayn Rand so long ago, or maybe because I read the ‘When I Say No I Feel Guilty’ book.

But even the service-to-others Maya do not share every single thing they have together, the people from Kaarma restaurant. They earn money, and send it to their families, but don’t just pool all their money together. There are, what’s the word, logistics, to how it’s done. Service-to-others is very vague. They do, however, share that expensive green bicycle. They give the expensive green bike to one person for a day, and another person for another day, and they don’t all own their individual bicycle.

I was actually shocked to see someone else who wrote an article that mentioned ‘Maya’ without an ‘n’ at the end. Talking to them and attempting to learn fragments of Spanish while I was there, I heard them saying things like ‘Teca’ to refer to their people, like ‘Azteca,’ in some of the videos I watched, and talking to Carlos who explained it to me. I felt as though it didn’t have an N at the end, partly because it was Spanish but also their native language – I am not clear on whether it’s both languages or what. Neither one adds an N to make it an adjective.

It seems okay to have an adjective end with A, but for whatever reason, I don’t seem to care if people make all *other* nationalities into an adjective that ends with N (just this morning I quickly scanned a news article that said ‘Republican’ and I accidentally read the word as ‘Reptilian’). Or ‘Russian’ – that doesn’t bother me. I don’t attempt to research how the Russians themselves make their own adjective. I think it was only because I hung around them for a while and started to get the idea that they were ‘Teca’ or ‘Maya’ and did some searches on youtube with those words.

I get kind of scared if somebody actually takes me seriously, because that means I also have the power to hurt people by accident with all of my sickness and hatred (some negativity is reduced by using eleuthero, but it makes me *too positive*, super-friendly and attracting new random boyfriends who I shouldn’t say yes to). I was in an ENFP forum and I made a random offhand comment that I expected everyone to ignore, but some lady got ‘butthurt’ by it and I was surprised – it turns out I triggered her because the issue connected to something specific for her personally (the ‘Don’t joke about that, my grandmother died that way’ kind of thing – which some people on the internet also use as a joke in and of itself). I was angry at first because she and a couple other people started attacking me.

But I think I really, seriously was drunk from drinking sour milk for a couple days. I bought two containers of raw goat milk because I can’t get to Nature’s Pantry very often. It didn’t last as long as I thought, but there have been incidents where the fridge door was stuck open because my roommate used the crisper drawer and didn’t push the drawer shut all the way, so the door was open a crack and the temperature warmed up. I couldn’t drink all of the two containers fast enough. I thought it would last much longer, which is why I suspected that the open fridge door spoiled it faster. I drank it for at least three days as it was in the process of going more and more sour, until it became so disgusting I poured it down the drain. It wasn’t even ‘sour’ like acid, it was bitter like chemicals and poison.

But then we had this solar flare affecting people too, right at the moment when I was drunk on sour milk. So who knows. PMS at the same time, and now my period is a day late, no big deal, I’m not having sex with anyone, believe me if I were pregnant I’d be talking about it.

I can look at Matthew’s photo more calmly now. I’ve gotten used to it. It triggers a super-intense physiological response the first time I see it, and also when I’m on drugs – eleuthero would do it. Today I can look at it with more neutrality. It’s just Matthew standing there, that’s all.

My brain doesn’t understand what photographs are

July 18, 2017

5:40 PM 7/18/2017

I cleaned up some of the garbage in the room. Now I have to clean up a few more things. I have to move some stuff out of the closet, and then I will try to vacuum the closet.

What happens to my brain when I see a photo? My brain is a primitive brain. It doesn’t understand that there is such a thing as
photographs. When my brain sees Matthew’s face perfectly clearly looking directly at me, my brain thinks that he is actually there in the room with me, and we’re ‘friends’ again, and everything is okay. My brain doesn’t understand that there is an internet and that I somehow saw this image of Matthew even though he’s somewhere else, although not really far away in the big scheme of things – not yet – I don’t know where he’s going to graduate school, so I will be paying attention to see what he says in the next couple months. – But even so, he’s not anywhere within walking distance, but my brain thinks he is.

So my brain now believes that I am re-bonding with Matthew. When I see a photo, it makes me feel like he belongs to me personally, like I’m the only one seeing him – even though a bunch of other friends commented on his photo and told him it was great.

I have incidents in my memory that I cannot process, different incidents from different people juxtaposed together. I have an incident which is taboo, but yet, if I were to forget it completely, I would be lying to myself. Sometimes I have to lie to myself. I think it must have been the night when – I had taken a caffeine pill, we had had a long texting interaction over a period of hours while I was working, I was able to communicate more easily because of the caffeine, and we talked about Hannah. I was looking at her on facebook while I sat at a table, at work, after I got out of work. I think that was the night this happened. He sat at the table across from me, and he had bought ice cream. I had gotten a spoon for him, but I only got one spoon, because I was not going to eat from the same carton of ice cream he was eating from, because I had trichomoniasis and didn’t know yet exactly what it was that I had, and hadn’t taken the antibiotics. But I felt like I was supposed to eat the ice cream. He had shared food with me before, a little bit, some snacks he bought. He was across from me at this small table, and under the table, his legs were close enough to my legs that they would have been touching. He was ‘violating my space bubble,’ except it was an extremely good thing, not a bad thing. However, I was hyper-alert and knew exactly where my legs were located, and I moved them off to the side so that they weren’t able to touch his legs at all. So I sat kind of sideways in my chair with my legs not under the table. Not only that, but I also would not look directly at him, at his face and his eyes. I was mostly looking off to the side. Because, once again, like in this photograph, looking into his eyes and his face is an extremely wonderful thing. I only did it for brief seconds, so briefly that I never was even sure what color his eyes were, in all the time we were talking.

This is juxtaposed with other incidents. Charles gave me a ride in his car, and I’m not attracted to Charles, but accepted his help. He then wanted to sit with me a really, really long time, while he rambled on and on and on and on, often repeating himself. I sat in the passenger seat. He started to intermittently tap my knee or thigh with his hand while he was talking, and I was disgusted, but I tolerated it. He started violating my space bubble in a bad way every time he would meet me. The more he did it, the more it repulsed and disgusted me, and the intensity of my hate would increase, so that I would try less and less to hide the fact that I was backing away from him, no longer trying to be polite.

These two incidents are similar, but not the same. My brain can’t process what it means, because it gives me hope, and hope is something unbearable that I can’t deal with. I can’t reconcile my hope with the way he reacted when I tried again later to communicate with him. If I’m so horribly repulsive and disgusting, how can Matthew violate my space bubble, in a very similar way – you don’t get physically close to someone who is disgusting to you. I would be terribly, terribly hurt if I had to get rejected and blocked again while trying to talk to him.

I can’t process or reconcile everything in my mind, but I am telling the truth – it did happen that way. It’s just sort of a, what do they call it when a data point doesn’t fit in to the expected graph? He would know. He was into engineering and stuff. That data point messes up the function you’re trying to – I’m not remembering my words. To induct. Whatever it is. To interpolate. To imagine, out of data.

‘the steroid rumors are about to start’

July 18, 2017

I’m back from the grocery store. I have to clean up my room this afternoon. There’s not much time and I’m distracted. I took eleuthero because, if I’m lucky, it sometimes improves my attitude towards work.

All I can say is, I hope Matthew isn’t taking steroids for real. They cause permanent damage, cancer, sterility, baldness, obesity, all kinds of terrible things. I was just complaining about this elsewhere recently. I don’t like ‘Incredible Hulk’ type of muscles, where you no longer have a neck. But I do like reasonably sized muscles on skinny guys.

He really has a great picture and it’s a shame that I don’t have any good pictures of myself, especially since I’m worried about my belly fat. Yeah, I could have somebody take photos of me professionally as long as they promised not to photoshop them at all, not even a single pixel, unless it was something like cropping off the side of the image. Not one pixel can be photoshopped, and if they would agree to that, then I’d get my pictures taken, with all my terrible skin scratches and scars and the annoying layer of fat that won’t go away, my broken yellow teeth, my face which is either really really ugly, or really interesting and beautiful depending on if you get it at exactly the right angle, which I never can do in a selfie, and also my whiskers.

I drew this diagram on a paper of what I wanted to achieve today in cleaning stuff up. I’m going to move boxes around and vacuum the floor.

I took eleuthero

July 18, 2017

I’m going to clean the bedroom. I’m off work.

Matthew has this terrifying new photo that I can’t look at, especially when I’m on drugs. I just look at what they tell me to look at.

To clarify: constructive versus destructive competition

July 18, 2017

I mentioned about how the definition of competition is: to destroy, permanently. I’m thinking of socionic information elements with the plus and minus signs. There is such a thing as competing
constructively where, allegedly, everybody wins, or everything in general gets better, or rather, you can look at competition more positively than I described it there. You can have ‘cheerful competition’ where it doesn’t matter if you’re number 1, you’re just trying to do better than you did before. (I myself don’t believe in aggressively competing all the time to be better or to improve, and I think it’s my own socionic elements – my base function is -Si and that’s not an aggressively competing type of element.)

Covfefe isn’t a word from some ancient language that means ‘We will win.’ Also, how to measure ‘density?’ Encouraging passivity in perfectly healthy people who don’t have chronic fatigue syndrome and are capable of getting out of bed and doing something

July 18, 2017

7:37 AM 7/18/2017

So, when Trump typed the word ‘covfefe’ in his tweet, it meant ‘coverage.’ He was saying something like ‘all the negative press coverage,’ but, since he was typing on his phone, and since it’s so easy to totally screw stuff up while typing on your phone, he typed gibberish, but was in a hurry or distracted and just clicked ‘tweet’ without checking it.

I saw someone in a forum the other day who did something that annoyed me. This person went on one of the disclosure forums and claimed that Trump was using a secret language, and that the word ‘covfefe’ was from some ancient, I dunno, Sumerian or something like that, language (I forget the details, I just skimmed it enough to get annoyed), and it means ‘We will win.’

This dude (I think it was a guy? I didn’t pay attention to that either) just pulled this completely out of his ass, but he thinks it’s okay to just pull stuff completely out of your ass in the realm of ufology. You can just make some wild claim that covfefe comes from ancient Sumerian and it means ‘we will win,’ and nobody will bother checking it out, thinking about it, or asking any questions, because all the people in the ufology realm are all just kneeling and worshipping and saying ‘woowoo’ about every little claim you make because they are all unquestioning sheeple.

This is an example of the ‘positive thinking’ that I do not like. He doesn’t care about just inventing some lie out of thin air to strike awe into the hearts of people and make them say ‘wow!’, and all that matters is we have to ‘feel good.’ We have to ‘think positive.’ We’re gonna win! Yay! All that we have to do is sit around and do nothing, but we’re gonna win! Somehow! Just feel good! That’s enough!

I don’t like the ‘Just feel good, and that’s enough’ belief system which is rampant in the ufology realm. All of them are saying that all you have to do is meditate, and you’re contributing to the greater good, by creating a positive electromagnetic field or something that will be for the good of the earth and all humanity. Who cares about taking practical action? Who cares about going outside and doing some real physical labor? All you gotta do is think happy thoughts.

Now, if they were making the disclaimer that people have chronic fatigue syndrome and they’re too sick to do anything at all except lie in bed meditating, then fine, think happy thoughts while you’re stuck in bed meditating. But don’t lie and say that’s all anybody needs to do to fix what’s wrong with the world. If only *enough* people will do this, things will get fixed. We have 99,999 people meditating, and we only need one more person to do it, and that will be enough to have an impact. I get the impression that a lot of people in these forums do, in fact, have various syndromes and symptoms, although they don’t all claim to have chronic fatigue syndrome.

But that is not what they’re saying. They’re not saying, ‘Hey, I’m really sorry, but I just can’t get out of bed and do anything useful because I’m so sick I can’t move.’ ‘That’s okay, just think happy thoughts.’ No, they are saying, ‘Even if you are strong, healthy, and energetic, you gotta meditate and think happy thoughts because merely by meditating you’re changing the global consciousness and that’s what we need.’

I’m not opposed to meditation, and I do it all the time myself. But I am saying, this is not the solution at all to the world’s problems. There is an infinite amount of physical, real labor to be done. People have to think of practical projects that will actually accomplish something on the earth, and physically do those things.

I’m also kind of tired of hearing that we’re going to win. But that doesn’t mean I merely want to hear that we’re going to lose, either. My nuances of observation are hidden in between those statements and they are subtle. The truth is not like that. Both of those are a lie that prevents us from having any real insight. Either ‘we will win, and that’s that,’ or ‘we’re gonna lose, and there’s no hope,’ are both shallow lies that block out any genuine insight or understanding.

The real insight is something more along the lines of, ‘We’re probably not going to get this or that concession from this or that group of people, so we have to do something about it ourselves.’ It’s also an awareness of what the world is inevitably going to be like, how it will go through cycles and backlashes against the previous part of the cycle, but it’s more than that, too.

I think the people hanging on these words are the people whose family members are about to die of cancer, and they want the cancer cure to be disclosed, and they’re angry because the cabal refuses to disclose it. That’s the kind of thing where, with every day that passes, they have to hang on every last word with the hope that, maybe tomorrow, maybe in the extremely near future, maybe in the next couple weeks, the cancer cure will be disclosed. Every hour of every day is a ‘We will win!’ moment because they are helpless to do anything else but that.

There’s no such thing as winning forever, but strangely, I tend to believe that there *is* such a thing as losing forever. That would seem weird and imbalanced. But I think it has to do with the definition of ‘win’ or ‘lose.’ The definition of competition is, to destroy. It is biased in favor of destruction. When you die, you finally lose forever. You can win temporarily during your life.

You can also lose, for your entire lifetime, and then die, after a lifetime of losing, and lose forever when you die, and that’s a tragedy which is so depressing that nobody likes to think about it – hence, we make movies like ‘A Dog’s Purpose,’ which shows a dog that was a puppy and then it got caught by the dog catchers and euthanized, but it was quickly reborn again.

Nobody likes that, when we see life as something that’s going to end forever.

I think that the authorities and the controllers don’t want us to truly and deeply understand just how precious life is. Our life happens only once. They don’t want us to be atheists who value every precious second of our life, which can never be undone. They keep encouraging these belief systems of passivity – just sit around and be one with everyone, just sit around meditating, don’t worry because you’re gonna get reincarnated so it doesn’t matter how badly your life is being wasted now – opium of the masses. Don’t worry, it’s okay, just chill.

If we really understand just how badly every second of our life is being wasted, we would really want to fight hard for it. If we constantly understood, and knew, every second, that every second was precious and would never be undone and would never return, and we had only one life, then we’d want to be aggressive and assertive and take more action to live life now.

That’s why I’m being mind controlled – zapped constantly so that I can’t use my brain – because they don’t want me to take any kind of assertive, self-controlling action whatsoever. They want to trickle away all of my life the same way they destroyed the past two decades, the prime of my adulthood. That way, I will have no impact, I will not move anyone, I will not motivate anyone, I will not awaken them to the now, to the precious life of now. This is irreplaceable. You can’t know for sure if it’s gonna happen again. Even people who have near-death experiences haven’t really died – even if a ‘doctor’ claims that ‘technically, yes, they were dead.’

No, you’re not dead if you’re having a near-death experience or if you’re in a coma. Death is when your body starts to fall apart beyond repair, physically. I held my mother’s hand and looked into her eyes as she died. I put my hand on her forehead. I felt the warmth seeping away from her flesh and she got colder and colder. That is death. Death is when you lose one thing, after another, after another, and can’t get it back. Death is when you have to stop whatever you were doing, and drop it, right in the middle of it, even if you weren’t finished.

Death is *not* what you’re doing when you go on a nice little vacation into your hallucination and you talk to all the angels and they take you on a tour of heaven and tell you all kinds of philosophical shit. If you come back to life afterwards, then you weren’t dead and you haven’t experienced death. You’ve experienced mind control during a time when your brain and body were alive enough to hallucinate and remember the hallucination.

Death is also not what you’re doing when you’re a three year old kid who starts talking about what happened in a former life. In a world where every single human being’s lives are being recorded and observed in a computer, every second of every day for their entire lifetime, it’s perfectly easy to take one of those recordings and force it into the brain of a helpless child who will then spit out whatever you tell him to spit out.

And it makes people bow down and say, ‘Woowoo! Children are talking about past lives! We’re gonna get reincarnated! No need to worry!’ This belief system encourages passivity. No need to worry or be angry, because we’re gonna win – all we have to do is sit around and wait for death, because this life sucks and it’s so bad we can’t fix it, but soon we’re gonna get reincarnated into a better life, and if that one doesn’t work out either, we’ll get a new one after that, so don’t worry, be happy! Be positive!

It’s all a gigantic placebo, to pacify us, and they will go to such lengths to create artificially this belief system, even going so far as to take the electronic recorded data of another human’s brainwaves from a couple decades ago, or hundreds of years ago, and force those brainwaves and experiences into the mind of a young child to convince them they were reincarnated, and to give shock-and-awe to all the adults around them who are like, ‘But this child took me to the gravesite of their murderer!’ and so on. They *want* us to believe in life after death, just as they themselves *want* to believe in life after death.

Being super-smart doesn’t make you immune to vulnerabilities and weaknesses. It doesn’t make you immune to believing things that are simply not true. For instance, the people who are taking children who are intelligent, and then asking them ‘Is this your home? Is this your home?’ are evil lunatics. They’re taking children who are smart, and then assuming that those children are actually reincarnated beings from another star system, and showing them star charts to see if they recognize which star system they come from. But again, those children are just as easily being mind-controlled by somebody who forces them to say ‘yes’ when they see a particular constellation in the picture.

And then, they want to seek the communication with whoever is mind-controlling them, but telling the child, ‘You’re a special starseed! You’re a reincarnated being from another galaxy!’ rather than ‘Someone is mind-controlling you, and I don’t know whether or not any of their gibberish garbage is actually meaningful or important, but I’m going to waste all my time gathering it up and trying to interpret it, hoping that sooner or later those mind controllers will tell me something important and useful.’ Which never happens, because a large amount of this gibberish is coming from an artificial intelligence in a computer. Who has time to sit around programming voices into people’s heads? Ain’t nobody got time for that. Just get the AI to do it, and sit there and laugh while they struggle to find the meaning of gibberish, while letting the precious hours of life slip by, and missing opportunities to do something useful. And all the messages that they ever receive are, ‘Don’t worry, be happy, just sit around and let the controllers control you, and don’t fight, because you’re not really losing anything permanently when you die. No big deal.’

Valiant Thor is an example. Allegedly he was from Venus, and allegedly his IQ was so high it could only be estimated as ‘1,000,’ just to show that it was inconceivably higher than the average person’s was. And what did he allegedly want to do when he came here? He wanted to preach the gospel of Jesus. That’s right. When you have an IQ of 1,000, the best thing you can do for humanity is preach the gospel of Jesus.

Being smart, or being an alien, or being a 6th-density being, does not make you perfect, or omnipotent, or immune to making mistakes. It does not make you all-knowing. It does not prevent you from believing ideas that are false. We’re bowing down to anyone who uses a number (‘Oh look! A number! A number was used! It must be something important!!!’) and that’s the source of their authority. I used the number 7, but somebody else was only gutsy enough to use the number 5, which is a lower number, so they’re weaker and I’m stronger, and so you have to listen to me, but you can just ignore what those weaker people say, because what I’m saying is right, and what they’re saying is wrong. I’m right about everything because I’m using the number 7 and I’m throwing that number around. I won’t bother to give you any means of *measuring* what my ‘density’ is!

Measuring your density? What? Unthinkable! Is there an instrument capable of measuring someone’s spiritual density? You mean, you can just arbitrarily throw a number around and make people bow down and say woowoo, and nobody will bother to actually check that you are, in fact, really a 6th density being???

Now if ‘density’ actually has any meaning at all, here is how I interpret it: When you’re looking at a graph of somebody’s brain signals, you can see patterns within patterns. It’s like a fractal. If there are, say, seven layers of these patterns within patterns, and all of those seven layers contain meaningful information, then you could say you’re a seventh density being. You have really large waves, and then medium-sized waves within those waves, and small waves within those waves, so you’re a third density being. Of course, the number of waves are actually infinite if you look closely enough. But if that actually has any meaning at all, it would mean that you were capable of generating patterns within patterns within patterns up to a certain point, and beyond that point it became meaningless noise.

But nobody ever said that’s what the word ‘density’ means when they are calling themselves ‘seventh density’ or ‘sixth density’ or whatever. That’s just me trying to put *some* kind of possible definition on that word, because as of right now, it is completely and utterly meaningless.

Beware of number-worship. Just because somebody uses a number doesn’t mean that whatever they’re saying must be true. Do they provide you with a means of measuring or counting the numbers of something? Is there a mechanical instrument or computer program capable of counting the number of ‘densities’ of a particular person?

Or, on the other hand, do you believe them merely because they claimed they were some number of something? Number-worship. A number was used, therefore it must be true. Just accept that number as given.

I just wanted to tell everybody today that I’m an eighth density being, so you gotta listen to me. Or no, actually ninth density, because back in the days when I was using the enneagram, I decided that the ‘Nine’ was the closest description of me (before I abandoned even trying to use the enneagram and focused on socionics instead).

So anyway, that was the thought of the day, about the guy who wanted to just pull out of his ass this claim that ‘Covfefe’ means something like ‘We will win,’ and it came from ancient something-or-other, and Trump is sending us a secret message, which means all we have to do is sit around and watch and be happy because nothing needs to be done, we’re fine.

The snake bite thing isn’t directed at me

July 17, 2017

I do still look at Matthew’s facebook page. He posted a… thing, which I can’t remember the name of. An anecdote, except it has religious purposes. A story for the purpose of making a point about religion, which he was reposting from somebody else.

If only Christians actually meant what they said, I could use this story as a suggestion that he means he’s welcoming me back into his life. However, they can pick and choose when they want to do Christian-like behaviors or not, and I have a feeling that Matthew isn’t going to be Christian-like with regards to me. Self-sacrifice has its limits, because it’s an inherently contradictory belief system. I’m getting more and more annoyed by all of the various philosophies of selflessness that I’m encountering – in religion and in the UFO community – ‘be more service-to-others’ is the one in the DW/CG community.

So in a way I’m swinging back around in the direction of Ayn Rand again.

Anyway, this little moral myth story thing said some stuff which I could potentially make fun of. I might as well make fun of it, because Matthew isn’t reading my blog, even though the voices try to convince me that he is, and Matthew doesn’t care that I exist at all.

For some reason lately, maybe because of having used bacopa a couple times in the last couple weeks, in very low doses, or maybe from using the Siberian root a couple times but then quitting it – something triggered me to once again feel painfully sad at past losses, and to grieve them again. I kept suddenly remembering that Mom died and feeling the grief all over again and the disbelief that it was actually real. No, Mom can’t die, that’s impossible. Mom fixes everything and Mom will live forever. Mom is a supernatural all-powerful being.

I also have had incidents of being triggered to remember Matthew and feel the pain again, and not just the pain but the belief that I can still somehow be with him or convince him. This is a dangerous belief. I’ve been hearing voices telling me that Matthew is never going to get married, and he missed his last chance when he rejected me, and Hannah will never marry him either, so he’s going to die alone. I have to argue with these voices when they say these things. Also, if I recall correctly, he still has to go to graduate school, so he will have more chances to meet someone.

So, I will tell the snake bite anecdote, and then, since Matthew isn’t reading this and therefore can’t be hurt, I will also make fun of it.

Some people were sitting by a fire, when all of a sudden a guy saw a snake trying to crawl out of the fire. [I’m assuming that maybe they chopped these logs in the woods, and maybe the snake lived inside a hollow log. I found the cutest little mice living underneath a rotten trunk of a bush that had fallen apart, when I accidentally picked it up off the ground, so maybe that’s the kind of thing snakes live in too.]

He tried to grab the snake to pull it out of the fire, but it bit him. He dropped it and it fell back into the fire. He picked it up again and got bitten, and dropped it. He was about to pick it up again and the other guy with him said, ‘It’s in the snake’s nature to bite you [or something like that] and it’s never going to stop biting you. Don’t pick it up again.’ The guy helping the snake said, ‘It’s in my nature to help. I’m not going to stop trying to help.’

The thing that I’m making fun of is that the snake was going to suffer ‘certain death.’ If it was in the process of crawling out on its own, then it probably would’ve been able to escape, except this guy kept picking it up and accidentally flinging it back into the fire. It actually would have gotten away by now if that guy hadn’t kept picking it up and throwing it back in, and was not going to suffer ‘certain death,’ unless this fire is at the bottom of a deep pit in the ground surrounded by walls that the snake cannot climb up, which would be an unusual fire and which is not what people are normally envisioning when they think of sitting around an ordinary campfire. This isn’t an iron smelting furnace or something.

But all that being said, if I have to endure somebody thinking that they need to save me because I cannot save myself, and if this *were* directed at me, then yes, as before, I would listen along with Matthew if he wanted to ponder over bible quotes in my presence sometimes, although most likely I cannot give him any insight into them that he doesn’t already have (except my realization that Jesus was an asshole, which I don’t think is the kind of insight that he really wants to hear).

Strangely, the ways that he saves me are not the ways he thinks he’s saving me. For instance, if he never actually helped me move my stuff out of the tent, it might not have really been that bad. I would have done it anyway. He saved me by giving me this wonderful feeling of trust, just knowing that I could talk to him and he was going to answer me. I remember talking to him all night that one night when I was working and he was at the front counter, and I didn’t really care if I got in trouble for not doing my job, because it was like the world could collapse and it didn’t matter because he was there and he would – somehow make it not matter. Not even by finding a solution, as such. I don’t know how. Somehow it just would not matter.


“A friend and I were at a campfire, suddenly we saw a snake come out of the flames wiggling in pain. My friend reached into the flames and pulled out the snake to save it and when he did it bit his hand. My friends reaction was to shake the snake loose and when he did it fell back into the fire. He immediately reached back into the fire to pluck it out again and it bit him again. He shook the snake free only to see it fall back into the fire. As he started to reach out once again to pull the snake from of the fire I called out to him, “ Hey don’t be a fool for a third time, if it bit you the 1st two times it will bite you again”.

His respond stopped me in my tracks. He said “ Just because the nature of the snake is to bite me, that doesn’t mean that I will alter my nature, which is to help”. With that he picked up a stick and reached in to finally pull out and free the snake from the fire and certain death.
The moral is simple: Don’t allow the negative nature of some or all of those around you to change the positive nature that God has given you to share with all. Nothing wrong with being smart ( i.e. Use a stick), but help, save, support, encourage, and strengthen those around you regardless of their actions or reactions. Focus more on who you are and who you represent than what others may say or think about you….”

A dog’s purpose

July 16, 2017

I just watched that movie and was urged to tweet about it but I’m not in a tweeting mood since I’m at home. I do love dogs, actually. I just can’t have them in my current situation. They need space. Cats can sneak around outside and veg away with it, but loose roaming dogs are frowned upon in this dog-unfriendly world. I’m typing on my phone so this is short. The tweet was going to be to the effect that I need a hundred different reincarnated dogs to reunite me with all the different people who I lost over the years. Unfortunately I can’t accept the premise of the final scene where Ethan admits it’s Bailey, because I’ve been explaining reincarnation-related phenomena as being the result of mind control, not actual reincarnation. So I wasn’t able to get emotional in that scene, the recognition scene. There are things we know to be true, and there are things we wish were true. I can only have emotional reactions to things that I am certain are true.

The 1962 Mars landing led to me watching CGI aliens

July 16, 2017

I wish they would go back to making puppet aliens instead of CGI aliens. Puppets actually look and move like real physical objects. The CGI alien interview is obviously CGI and very annoying to someone who has PMS. And I don’t know why my PMS is so horrifically bad this time. I can only be glad, knock on wood, that my periods are still regular. The chance of falling in love with someone who can tolerate me long enough to have children with me is minimal though. There’s not enough time. I have to tolerate them as well.

The Mars landing had a sandworm that was moving after the ship landed. But of course, they cut off the video after watching the sandworm digging through the ground for a few seconds. Where is the rest of the video? And why aren’t we allowed to see real aliens?

Yeah, so the annoying CGI alien interview is this stupid, annoying thing of a CGI alien sitting at a table looking forlorn and leaning over like he’s tired after having been tortured and forced to tell his amazing secrets, which turn out to be a bunch of vague-ass bullshit just like the Law of One. ‘I’m from the future, woo-woo, there are infinity universes but not all of them support life, there is no such thing as death, death is a human construct, woo-woo.’ All of it is the bullshit philosophical stuff that’s supposed to make us go, ‘Wowwwwwww…. You’re so amazing!!!!!’ But there’s not a single thing that a human couldn’t have thought of, and not a single piece of information that seems exotic, unfamiliar, or unusual. Nothing truly alien. Oh, and of course, this alien was so reluctant to reveal these secrets that he had to be *tortured* to force him to reveal all this amazing incredible wisdom he has!

The only reason I say the alien was tortured isn’t just because of how he’s slouched over looking tired, it’s because I also saw another channel where they made CGI videos of aliens being tortured and screaming. They *always* do this stupid, pathetic thing, where the alien is being tortured, but then, all of a sudden, it starts jerking around and the camera glitches because the alien has ‘hit the camera’ and knocked it over and bumped it, and the alien is suddenly strong and terrifying instead of small and helpless and pathetic, like we’re supposed to believe these tiny weak little beings are horribly dangerous and we should be terrified of them. Never let your guard down for a second! While you’re torturing an alien, be careful – it will suddenly get an adrenaline rush and thrash around and scream and knock the camera over and you could get hurt! Suddenly it’s going to escape! Again, truly pathetic, stupid, and idiotic.

I really hope I’m late for work. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet either. Maybe I won’t. Maybe today is a good day to go to work without brushing my teeth. It will make more people stay away from me, as far as possible, instead of asking me to do things.

argh! I’m not in the mood for this. OF COURSE we need to plant things in the lawn instead of grass!!! Duh!

July 16, 2017

I definitely have had PMS for several days now. It doesn’t help that we have the Arts Fest going on and I’ve been scheduled for way too many days.

I saw this in my news feed on facebook: “Outside of Nazareth lives a merry young genius named Kedar Narayan, who wants to replace every manicured lawn in the country _ even the world _ with a pollinator garden irresistible to birds and bees.”

I’m gonna scream. Except then, my roommate would call the police.

So, someone made an app. Woop-de-doo. No, I don’t even have time for this! I have to go to work because I’m scheduled for a *morning shift*!

Number 1! Not only does it *not* take a genius to think of this – I’ve thought of it, and I have a gray area borderline genius IQ of 140 –

Number 2: you don’t have to make an app to do it; the app is totally irrelevant;

Number 3: why pollinators? why not goat food? Why pollinators and only pollinators? Why not edible foods? Why not human food?

Number 4: People are so fucking stupid that they will keep demanding mowed lawns and making it illegal to plant food in your lawn even if this app has a helper robot that will physically do all the labor for you as well.

Number 5: Places like Penn State are the guilty ones, with ten thousand gigantic acres of mowed lawns. They don’t give a flying fuck about anything or anyone and they don’t have to. They have a special legal status that makes them able to do things private citizens can’t.

I could go on, but no, no, no. Not this morning.

Hannah might be an ESFP

July 15, 2017

It’s just a theory I’m considering. Not Matthew’s dual, but rather, the ‘lookalike’ or ‘business’ relation. Neither of those names really describes this relation very well, because actually a lot of these relations fall in love and do relatively well together.

That’s why I use the 16 component model with plus and minus signs (the one I have to call ‘Hitta’s Chart’ because I never found out its official name – I’ve blogged about it before). The ESFP and ENFP, in that model, are attracted to each other’s base functions: +Se/-Si, and -Ne/+Ni. It’s almost like dualizing. That model explains my real-life interactions with them.

However, it’s still not as good as actually dualizing – there are some things that are missing.

I’ve just tried to understand why Matthew and Hannah weren’t able to get together, and had to figure it out by looking at someone who I don’t know and never will know, from afar, over the internet.

I’m looking at other women who claim to be ISTPs (some of them might not be) in a group I’m in, and they smile a lot less than Hannah. Being always positive is not something an ISTP naturally does. In fact, being negative is much more natural for them.

This is why I was so glad to discover the plus and minus signs. Negativity is viewed as just ‘inherently undesirable.’ It was like I was finally able to accept myself and not have this obligation to always be happy and cheerful. The -Si base function is not just ‘negative,’ it’s also ‘global’ – the minus sign means several different things. But it does actually tend to notice ‘undesirable things that need to be fixed.’ It doesn’t mean you *like* things that are bad, it means you notice what is wrong and want to fix it, and you want to verbalize about that which is wrong, instead of verbalizing about all the things that are wonderful and great all the time.

If more people could discover this, they wouldn’t need Prozac. People need to be allowed to be negative.

However, you have to have the *right kind* of negative people together, because the wrong kind of negative people irritate each other or exhaust each other. Also, there are other factors that can make a person seem more negative – when I use any kind of herbal drugs at all I tend to become ‘more negative.’ Anything that makes me feel sick or in pain makes me more negative.

When I used to write a different blog, with a different audience in mind, I was forcibly positive, knowing that ordinary average people were going to be reading it and judging me. I used to do a blog on MySpace (the link doesn’t work anymore – I do have a link to it on this blog, but I’m too tired to fix all the broken links everywhere) and my real world friends were able to read the blog. So, it was edited for the public. However, back then, I also wasn’t being attacked quite as badly, if I recall – I think I might have started that particular blog in the time period before I knew I was being attacked with electronic weapons, so it was still possible to believe that I was living an ordinary life like other people.

When I do public speeches and when I have to think about the audience, I do tend to force myself to be more positive. I’m not saying I do public speeches all the time – I took speech class in college.

I’m not sure how to clarify what I’m thinking. I’m thinking partly about the UFO groups that I’m in, on facebook – David Wilcock/Corey Goode groups. All of them push for ‘being positive.’ However, the *way* that they are being positive is not useful for me at all.

I do have positive socionic functions: +Te (creative function, 3-dimensional), +Ti (demonstrative, 4D), and +Fi (mobilizing, 2D). I don’t understand enough about the vulnerable function, +Fe, to say how it’s used. It is 1D and only learns through experience. I think it’s important but I just don’t understand what it does. The best explanation I saw for what the vulnerable function does was that it triggers your base function, as in, if something happens that puts information into your 4th function, you automatically respond by using your 1st function.

That might be right, although it seems like you would use your 2nd function instead. I don’t know. That would be +Te for me. I can’t express emotions until after I’ve solved a problem. If there is a problem that I have emotions about, it seems useless to express the feelings rather than trying to solve the problem. You have to take action to do something to fix it, which seems like +Te to me. Only when all else fails, only when you are unable to fix it and all is lost, then and only then can you express emotions.

I think that functions work together based on how many dimensions they are, but that’s just my theory – I don’t have an EEG to look for these things. So -Si and +Ti work together, +Te and -Se work together, -Ni and +Fi, and last, +Fe and -Ne. The reason I thought of that is because I said ‘when all else fails,’ that is, when you discover that something is ‘impossible.’ The -Ne information element includes ‘that which is impossible,’ although it also includes many other things. It’s a 1D function for me, which means I can’t predict what it will do until it happens – learning by experience. So that’s why I have to discover the hard way that all else has failed, and at that moment, my other 1D function wakes up, +Fe, and I express my emotions outwardly. Again, this is just a theory of how it works.

Anyway, – I had to reread what I was saying because I forgot where I was going with all that. Anyway, in order for me to ‘be positive’ about subjects pertaining to alien disclosure and technology disclosure, like we talk about in those forums, I have to use my +Te. That seems to be best way to be ‘positive’ about disclosure. I can only do certain thought processes while I’m on herbal drugs, but, for example, the other day I was reading something online, with
suggestions from ‘someone’ about what I should read – so I learned that people are actually aiming radar beams all the way from Earth to Mercury, or something like that, in order to scan the surface. I forget what it was called, though. I might be describing it wrong.

The idea is that individual people have to make their own technology to do their own research. And a lot of the technology isn’t hidden, you just have to know exactly the right jargon words to google it. It’s openly available to the public, but esoteric. There’s a difference between ‘esoteric, if only you know what to look for,’ versus ‘totally undisclosed, forbidden, and they will kill you if you do it or talk about it.’

I’m not happy about doing medical research. I don’t like doing experiments on animals. In that way, I resemble a vegetarian, because I’m self-sacrificing in order to protect the animals. I could benefit from all the things we discover from animal research, but I would rather myself suffer or die instead. I have actually learned a lot of things that probably came from animal research – I did a lot of reading about things like how St. John’s Wort induces cytochrome P450, and I wonder how much of that sort of thing comes from animal research.

Some of the undisclosed medical technology comes from people and methods that were unthinkably cruel – the Nazi technology, for instance.

I make a distinction between long-lasting torture, versus killing an animal relatively quickly. I do eat meat, but I don’t want it to suffer for a long time. So I don’t want farm animals to be on factory farms – they have to be free roaming, grassfed, unvaccinated, no antibiotics, and so on. I would actually prefer to have free roaming totally wild native animals, like deer and buffalo, instead of domesticated farm animals. It seems less horrible to kill an animal you don’t know personally, because it isn’t a trust violation. The wild deer already distrusts you (I would assume, although actually, in areas where hunting isn’t allowed, deer are more trusting of people).

I still believe in eating meat because I have never, ever seen or used a synthetic vitamin that was *anywhere near* as good as a real vitamin from whole food. I do not believe that so-called ‘scientists’ have knowledge of every single vitamin, mineral, or uncategorized substance that we need or benefit from. They also do not *care* to know about every single one of them. All that matters is whether you can isolate something, put it in a bottle, and sell it, and convince people it’s good for them. Synthetic vitamins are not at all the same as whole vitamins in food. So this is why I still insist on eating meat.

I haven’t eaten breakfast, so I have to be careful not to go on a huge rant about food.

Anyway, so there are certain categories of technology that I don’t mind exploring myself or seeing other people explore themselves, but research on animals is not one of them.

‘Practical action’ is the way of being positive that I’m talking about. Doing physical things in the real world, locally.

I can’t work all these shifts

July 14, 2017

My schedule is terrible next week. I have to work almost every day and I won’t be able to move out or clean the house and the kitchen. I can barely do anything as it is. I was seriously considering making a major painful change and quitting the job. There is a concept of “now or never” which I am able to think about when using small amounts of bacopa. The bacopa – I have used it only intermittently in tiny doses. I need to make major changes though. When I try to think of it I get blasted with mind control voices screaming DON’T LEAVE, PLEASE DON’T LEAVE. They blast me with this attack the instant I start using my brain to “warp the timeline.” I was imagining changing the future. I can do it, but it requires ripping everything up in a painful way. I need to escape this town, and also must find out if the mind control attacks stop when I leave the country. I know another victim who claims they do, for him.

I might buy an RV

July 12, 2017

I’m getting a relatively small sum of money from Dad soon. I don’t know exactly how much, but it’s a few thousand dollars, and less than $10,000. It’s in exactly that range that I have talked about before, where you’re kind of grateful to get it, but at the same time, it will vanish in an instant and have no impact on your life unless you do exactly the right thing.

I looked at some web pages and saw used RVs for sale for a few thousand dollars on Craigslist. I have wanted to get an RV for years. I know this is unbelievable, but I have so many recurring disasters in my life that I cannot even save up a couple thousand dollars – not even as little as $2,000. I go through phases where I’m homeless, but still employed, and cannot save because I have to buy all my food at restaurants. I always have just barely enough money to get by and cannot save even a couple hundred dollars.

So, I am actually anxious about this money that I will soon get (I have to finish filling out a couple forms and return them to Dad, and he filled out most of them). To make the biggest impact I would have to do something like buy an RV for myself to live in, and hope that it lasts long enough that I can live in it for several years. I have to make sure that whatever I do, it gets done quickly before the money gets destroyed. That’s what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid the money will vanish and I will no longer have even $500 in my account like usual.

Although strangely, Dad has been sending more money than he did while Mom was alive. I had had many discussions with Mom where I said I didn’t want to get any money from them at all, because I needed to force myself to find some way of making money on my own, and she agreed with me and didn’t want to be an ‘enabler,’ so she would only send me relatively small amounts of money so at least I could pay my rent. Dad now sends more than what she was sending.

I still need to do some things to guarantee that I will be able to earn a lot of income on my own, and was planning to go to vocational school (this wasn’t a solid plan yet), but found out unfortunately that as soon as I moved into this apartment I was hit with extremely severe chronic fatigue because of some chemicals in this building, whatever it is, the carpets, or something. An unknown something makes me extremely sick here. I actually was less fatigued while camping. So, I have done *nothing* for months other than struggle to go to work, and now, I have to struggle to escape from this building before July 24th, and I will almost certainly go camping, but with my stuff in a storage unit this time, thank goodness.

Chronic fatigue and chemical sensitivity is the biggest reason for why I am failing at life and have failed for so long. I need to have control over my home, total control, to be able to get rid of the things that make me sick. I need to own the home and not have any roommates, so that I can do weird things like put cardboard on the floor to walk on if necessary, for example. Or take out all the carpet. Whatever I have to do. I also need to not get forced to relocate over and over every few months because this causes such a huge disruption that I cannot do any other project but that, as I can only move a couple boxes a day before I get tired and have to quit. I have to gradually do only a few tiny tasks per day.

Too late now to talk about racism

July 12, 2017

I actually feel really sick at my stomach today, and I don’t know what caused it. I will try to write something brief. I’m being ‘urged’ to talk about my racism. I don’t have a lot of time because I have to return the truck I rented yesterday. I have only one particular race that I really don’t like – Africans. I have disliked Africans my entire life, since childhood, just by experience with them. But I was a ‘quiet racist’ until only the past year or two, and I only started to talk about it because, like other things I’ve talked about, I had urges from voices in my head, and it probably correlated with Trump becoming president.

So this morning, I’m hearing that I also chased away Asians by saying I was racist, but I’m not racist against Asians, it’s just that I feel like I’m stupider and slower than they are. I like Asians. But I can tell that their brains work faster than mine, and became convinced of this after reading Dario Nardi’s book (the one I just got out again recently) where he said he, too, noticed differences in Asian brains.

I also became convinced of it after working at Maki Yaki with a bunch of Koreans. They start responding to what I’m saying before I’ve even finished my sentence, and sometimes, they anticipate incorrectly what I’m going to say, but because they are much faster, it makes them very impatient to sit there waiting for me to say the entire sentence. It’s like watching the sloths on that cartoon, what was it called, ‘Animatopia’ or something like that. Utopia for animals. Why can’t I remember that name? Zootopia. That was it.

Not only that, but no matter what race someone is, even if they’re African, there are some individuals that I like more than others, and I’m pretty sure that socionics has something to do with it. My best friend in college, Valencia, was black, and I think she was an INFJ. We spent huge amounts of time together. I also have a former coworker who I suspect is probably in the Delta quadra and might be an ESTJ, but I’m not sure, and I do okay talking to him although his messiness in the workplace annoyed me greatly – and there were white ESTJs who were also extremely sloppy, like disgustingly sloppy, at McDonald’s. You know, things like, putting down the spatula into a big slimy pile of grease, that kind of thing. Putting tools in random places so I can’t find them when I need them. Alrick, the suspected black ESTJ, did all that stuff, but even worse than the white female ESTJs did – he left a trail of chaos behind him like the Tasmanian devil. But I can have a conversation with him and feel comfortable, and he shows no signs of invading my physical space.

Charles, on the other hand, physically touches me, and cannot stop talking for hours. This has happened on the couple of occasions when I allowed him to give me a ride in his car. I sat in the passenger seat, and during the conversation he kept tapping my leg with his hand. Not even the upper body, not even just the arm or shoulder, but my thigh and knee. During a conversation at my current job, when he came in briefly while he was getting gas for the car, he stopped to talk to me, but couldn’t stop talking even though I had to work, and he was waving his hands closer and closer to my breasts, which is what I complained about the other day. I was literally backing away from him, taking steps back, and he would move towards me after I took a step back so he could wave his hands around the area of my breasts again. This was like gesturing animatedly while talking, except doing so in such a way that it was constantly going towards my breasts. So the last time I talked to him, I stood behind his back while he was sitting down at a chair at a table, and forced him to have to turn his head sideways to talk to me, just so that he could not reach forwards towards me, or look at me with his eyes.

So I don’t hate Asians, but it’s probably too late for that now. I just dislike music written by black people, with a small number of exceptions, and I very strongly dislike black men if they show even the slightest desire to have sex with me – that cranks up the dislike into outright hatred and loathing and revulsion. I tolerate black men as long as they don’t express the slightest sexual desire.

the forums are overrun with mistyped people

July 12, 2017

Well, I’ve been looking at the ENFP forum on facebook for a while, and I would say a very large percentage of people there are ESFPs. This is extremely annoying. I picked up my Dario Nardi book again, the one about typing people using EEG, and I want that to be the standard practice, except that you can’t do the J/P switch for introverts (which he does).

The results of my method will have to justify it, as in, I get better results than everybody else if I use my methods. I would have to demonstrate that my method is correct, not by using ‘logic’ to argue it, but by using results. I’ve already argued a thousand times about why the J/P switch for introverts is lunatic insanity.

But that’s not the only problem with typing people – people are being mistyped as N’s when they are S’s. That happened to me in the beginning. And unfortunately we do not have an even remotely equal number of N’s and S’s in society – there is an overwhelmingly huge number of S’s, and a tiny minority of real, actual N’s. This is part of why there is such a bias against sensors, but I have to explain that sensors aren’t objectively bad – that was the value of socionics – the problem is only that there are so many of them, and they’re all mistyped as N’s, which screws up everything everywhere. So, that is why everyone is annoyed with sensors and thinking sensors are bad – they’re everywhere, and they’re corrupting all the forums where people attempt to isolate a particular type of people. Then they cling to their mistyping for years, as I myself did, because it requires insight in order to change your type. The best way to do it is to use EEG, so that they can actually *see* on an image what their brain is doing.

I forgot to attach the image

July 11, 2017

Contradiction in the bible – the weaker parts have value and are indispensable

July 11, 2017

On July 4th I ate at Aunt Jean’s house at Foxdale. She gave me a little Christian magazine called The Upper Room. I just happened to open it while making my coffee just now and saw the page which I’ve attached as a photo – I think it will be at the end. It says, the foot can’t say to the hand "I don’t need you" or something like that. This directly contradicts the horrifying section that says, If thine eye offends thee, gouge it out, because it’s better to lose a small part than the whole. There are extremely rare occasions where it might be desirable to chop off a body part before a poison spreads, maybe, although I’m not sure. But this contradicts that because this part of the Bible wasn’t Jesus, and Jesus was an asshole. This was Corinthians. I had to deal with voices in my head bothering me about racism, which they ought to direct to the other voices who are encouraging it. This fits with racism too then.

who it is, FYI

July 10, 2017

it was Charles, coworker from Maki Yaki, not my current coworker who is also black. My current coworker isn’t sending any fuck vibes or violating my space bubbles.

I’m gonna put a fucking swastika on my shirt above the words I AM A RACIST

July 10, 2017

I wasn’t nearly such a racist in the past, but nowadays I’m becoming one out of sheer self-defense, because large numbers of black men swarm around me trying to fuck me, especially when I’m having any problems such as homelessness, joblessness, or poverty. If I’m vulnerable, they think I will fuck them if they do me favors and give me money. That is why I had trichomoniasis during the brief moment when I knew Matthew, because I crumbled and said yes to one of them. I can catch STDs from white people too, but white men are somehow able to restrain themselves better. Most of them. There are white niggers too. I am in an extremely bad mood. I’m sick of stupid people, and also white niggers and black niggers and anyone who wants to violate my space. The Guatemalans are an exception, I’m fond of them. I don’t call them names. But I’m feeling very racist after an encounter with an African who I want to avoid.