I did go crazy and buy more knitting stuff

September 15, 2017

I bought just two needles and one ball of yarn the other day, and a book to remind me how to knit. It was “their” suggestion. I began knitting many years ago, but got rid of it all during the ephedra contamination. The yarn was actually one of the very first things that got badly contaminated.

So I have been too traumatized to buy any more knitting stuff all these years. I can’t buy things that are able to get contaminated, if they have high value. Knitting or any craft takes a lot of time, so those things have high “labor value” or “hobby value” or something just because of the time that went into them. I can throw away things like generic white socks from Walmart, but not specially crafted homemade socks.

Now I’m at risk of reopening the contamination, as I have to finish getting my belongings from WV and from storage eventually. I should check to see if any storage units are open nearby, so I don’t have to drive out to Tyrone, and then I can move my stuff closer. I just couldn’t find any because of the students.

Anyway, after knitting for one day, I was frustrated and wanted more tools and more skills, so I went back to Walmart last night and got a bunch of stuff, including another small book with more instructions. The first book was very good precisely because it was very limited. It only told how to do knit and purl. The new book I got is also small but has more techniques in it.

I would like to have a non-electric mass knitting machine (in theory, not a super strong goal) and thought I could keep it underground and not pay rent for the land it’s on, and that would be the only way to profit by making fabric. I’m also interested in esoteric or unusual fibers, like dog hair or alpaca fur. I want to make coats that are truly warm. I passionately loathe clothing that’s purely decorative and too thin and not warm enough. I want antarctic warm coats. I want to know I can lie down in the foot deep snow in my coat and fall asleep and survive.


hastags equal bees

September 13, 2017

I had an incident with “them” talking to me as I’m walking on the path right now. There’s a yellowjackets’ nest I want to avoid. The voice said hashtags, which are sharps (musical) according to a tweet that I read. So, musical flats are b’s. So flats are bees. So hashtags are bees. This was an example of the voices making a secret code through associative meanings. If someone wanted to secretly talk about yellowkackets they can say hashtags. Bees are also police officers, so this is actually important. But the bees=police meaning was created years ago. That’s an example of what I occasionally hear being talked about in my head, although this was kind of interesting.

crippling anxiety: money, time, energy, fall weather

September 13, 2017

I’m being forced awake, as always – this has been ongoing since 2003, never sleeping through the night – but tonight I am worrying, and incapacitated even though some actions are possible.

My brain isn’t able to do the things I need it to do. I can’t even really describe what it is. And I don’t think anyone else can do it for me. I’m being mind controlled constantly and I hear the whispers interrupting in between my thoughts.

I have a rental truck, but can’t do anything with it today. I have to work at 4pm, and just knowing that I have to work *sometime* makes me so anxious I can’t imagine doing anything.

I’m afraid of getting too tired if I do anything. I have 300,000 things that need to be done. I need to wait helplessly for my scooter to be delivered, then charge the battery and test riding it to the bus stop. It is inadequate, but I have no more money and am dependent upon Dad’s gift money for now. I’ve reduced my work hours and requested some days off to do the move into the rv. I have to do an enormous amount of moving of heavy bags out of this camp. I have the previous tent, which got holes ripped in it by animals in addition to the police. Everything in it is mostly going to the trash now, except a few things. But it takes dozens of trips back and forth to get trash out of this campsite.

And bad weather ruins everything, as can be demonstrated right this instant, as it just spontaneously started raining. I don’t know how much leftover hurricane we have now and how much of it is coming to Pennsylvania, I only know from experience the hurricanes down south can give us seemingly weeks of rain up here. Now that it’s raining I’m kind of glad I didn’t try to move garbage bags out.

But lack of money is the primary anxiety trigger. I am not free to do whatever I want. I was fantasizing about going to the vocational school, but haven’t decided what to study, and kind of want to take ALL the courses, every last one they offer.

The rv fumes aren’t so bad

September 12, 2017

I’m checking on it today. When I’m not running water and not turning all the fans on, the brain fog fumes are minimal. I can slightly detect it. I need to find out if it’s coming from the drains, the faucets, the vents, or something else. However, it’s good enough that I could start living in it without being incapacitated, as long as I don’t do whatever is causing the fumes. They have a bath house, so I don’t need water.

I need to drain the water out of the tank though. I tried to fill the tank to rinse it, but I have no idea what to do, so I couldn’t get the water back out once I put it in there. I turned on the pump and it made a noise but I didn’t know what it was doing. I have to go reread some web pages, and if I can find the instruction manual for my rv, that would be ideal.

There are all these weird buttons and gadgets and I have no idea what a lot of them do. Like, on the ceiling, there’s a vent-like thing, but it seems like it has a filter beyond it. And there are these plastic circles that screw in or out, leaving a wider or narrower opening, in the ceiling – no fucking clue what they do either. I’ll try to google the manual for my specific model.

Anyway, it should be livable, although not completely perfect yet. I just need to figure out how to transport myself back and forth from the camp. I’ll be riding a little electric scooter along the road, if it will go that distance, then getting on the bus. There are some hours when I can’t use the bus, so the magical fairies are gonna solve that problem for me, since I get zapped when I try to think about it.

I just need to find a way to prop the door open for Jacob to go in and out.

the bus ride, continued

September 12, 2017

…because it was a weird type of bus I’ve never ridden on before, and it was making me carsick. I got used to it after a few minutes.

But I’m listening to this guy, and I’m looking out the window trying to watch the landscape moving to try to help my motion sickness, and then glancing back at him to be polite, then looking back out the window.

He talked so much he forgot to get off the bus at his stop! The bus started to move and he jumped up and said “Oh crap! I forgot to get off at my stop!” The driver was nice and he stopped, but some drivers are total douchewipes and won’t stop because they’re “not allowed,” no matter the circumstances.

So hopefully I’ll be able to get used to riding that particular bus. But I will have to write down which hours to avoid riding it if he rides it routinely.

I had been much more sociable in the past, although I realize I would’ve always been annoyed by a nonstop talker. But I can hardly even enjoy talking to people who are capable of listening and altering their responses based on what I say. When the electromagnetic background noise is turned off, socializing suddenly is much easier for introverts.

Sociable introverts – a phenomenon that happens when mind control is removed

September 12, 2017

Yesterday I read the Cosmic Disclosure transcript. It’s easier if I read it because I’m barely online and can’t easily watch videos, and headphones worsen my hearing loss. So I should use speakers, but don’t want to turn up my speakers loudly in public.

They talked about the global AI mind control system that detects certain thought processes occurring. I noticed one thing about myself which changed drastically when the attacks began to be more severe for me personally. I became extremely antisocial. I used to love people a lot more than I do now. I enjoyed socializing. But now, I’m constantly being burned by background noise interfering with my brain and body, exhausting all my social energy. I have none left to deal with real people.

I rode the bus to Bellefonte yesterday for practice so I can figure out how to use it when I’m living at the rv campground. There was this guy I saw who I recognized, near the bus stop. I was like, nooooo! not him! I’m not in the mood for a conversation with this guy. He talks nonstop for hours. I typed him ISFP, my socionic kindred. He has some physical injuries. I don’t know if he’s on drugs. Drugs often explain why someone won’t stop talking.

I tried to avoid him while waiting for my bus to go back to State College.

You know what, I *really* wish autocorrect could un-capitalize words it has wrongly capitalized when you click on them again to try to fix them. I almost never want autocorrect to capitalize particular words. I forget what the word is. It’s an extremely common word. “And” gets written as “amd” by accident, and autocorrect changes it to AMD, and then if you click on it, “and” isn’t in the list of replacements because it thinks you *want* it to be an acronym.

Anyway, to my horror I saw he was going to get on the same bus. He began his stream of nonstop speech. I spent the first half of the bus ride struggling not to vomit while politely listening…

The history of my tooth problems over the last few years

September 12, 2017

I’m thumb typing on my phone from the tent, so I can’t really write the complete history I’d like to write. In the beginning, there were… the Weston Price deformities. My teeth were in the wrong places, and my mouth was small. Weston Price described some causes, but not all. Later people observed the deformities could also be caused by tobacco and other drugs, and chemicals, and I suspect all nightshade vegetables.

So I got braces, and had 4 permanent teeth removed, along with 4 wisdom teeth. All of that shouldn’t have been done. So I can’t write all that out now and might later if I feel like it.

But I took good care of my teeth for years and had no more cavities, except the invisible painless one that my dentist tricked me into having drilled and filled for no reason.

But I wanted alternative toothpastes without chemicals like artificial sweetener, and I was researching those. Weston Price observed that, emphasis, *primitive people eating a primitive diet for a lifetime with no deformities and no modern foods,* were able to go a lifetime without brushing their teeth and never get a cavity. Some groups had almost 100% cavity-free teeth with no toothbrushing and no dentists. So the modern lifestyle is the cause.

Well, when I talked about this, I always emphasized that you could only skip toothbrushing *after* you had completely switched over to a 100% perfect primitive diet. Guess what the voices in my head decided to make me test? Doing it completely the wrong way. They made me stop brushing my teeth for at least a year, I forget how long, while still drinking coffee and eating junk foods. My teeth developed soft white spots on them after only a few days without brushing, and never went back to looking like they had. Those soft spots began to crumble over the next few years even when I started brushing again. I never said people could just stop brushing right now without a care in the world or that brushing was unnecessary.

tooth, continued

September 11, 2017

… I never eat whole grain bread, knowing what I know. It’s actually very bad for you. It was either the tea or the bread that made it break today. It was just the last piece hanging in there, broken years ago by the millet. I had asked Steve for the same salt and pepper bread he had gotten once before, because I couldn’t find the bakery that he said he got it from. I actually never eat bread, except, ironically, extremely processed white bread on Burger King sandwiches and stuff. The more “whole” the grain is, the more toxic and bone-destroying it is. I would prefer not to eat any bread at all, but I’m not controlling my diet right now. I was just curious to have that one kind of bread again. It was very salty, the kind he shared with me before, but that was what I wanted. I’m vaguely experimenting with iodine and salt.

So the sickening vision is of my tooth root protruding through my red gum flesh, and I saw it minutes before it happened. Was it an electronic weapon? Could they see something I wasn’t able to see going on? I don’t want to have horrifying visions like that. It was very clear and visual and resulted from touching my head with shungite in one particular place while meditating.

Crystal vision, and a broken tooth

September 11, 2017

I got a shungite pyramid and a little dangling pendulum of quartz with multicolored stones representing the chakras. I’m not necessarily convinced that the pyramid shape is as special as people say it is, but it is definitely stable when I set it on various parts of my body to meditate. I had other stones, but they’re in storage right now.

So I meditate by holding or touching whatever areas I feel like with the stones. I am slightly following some suggestions from EFT tapping, chakras, and random bits of things I’ve picked up, but was just randomly doing it, not following a set procedure.

All my experiences with it were very positive tonight, up to the end. Then I put the pyramid on a particular place on my skull, on the area Dario Nardi said was associated with looking into the future. I wasn’t in quite the right place and just moved it around experimentally to find out what felt right.

Suddenly I began to see horrifying, disgusting, disturbing images exactly like what the mind controllers have forced me to see in my nightmares. I saw this thing which looked like white bones sticking out through red flesh. It was horrible. I looked at this disgusting, sickening image, and it didn’t go away. Like I said, it was all positive up till then. I was hungry and I was about to quit the meditation, so this was the last thing I did.

So I tried to make peace with this, and thought, “take away something evil, and bring in something good,” over and over. Then I set aside the crystals and got out some snacks.

While I chewed, suddenly a broken tooth came all the way out. I picked it out and wiped it off and put it in something to keep it. It’s been broken for a couple years. It broke when I was eating millet, which was soft and mushy, so it was the phytic acid of grain that did it, or the goitrogens. Today I drank tea (camellia sinensis), and ate whole grain bread, which Steve gave to me when I had asked for a different kind. He was well meaning, but I …

continued – I ran out of text

September 11, 2017

I was going to say it’s possible Julian Assange and others *could have* altered the Clinton emails, adding the pizza references, but oddly, nobody is saying that, other than “We got hacked and that’s unfair.” They don’t say, “We NEVER SAID this or that specific phrase being mentioned.” They just say that they got hacked, and that’s cheating.

I was also going to say the evil of craigslist comes from real estate agents, too. Their search function shows utter nonsense for the number of rooms in the apartment: you can only search for *greater than* one bedroom, not less than. I cannot convey the insanity, evil, and stupidity of this – it sounds trivial, but it is extremely serious. It’s too much to thumb-type on my phone. It forces people to spend more money and prevents frugality. I went to their help forum to complain, and evil lunatic morons all attacked me and brushed aside my complaint.

success, so far; also, I need to go to Mt. Nittany again

September 11, 2017

They’re mating, but I don’t know if he will get away alive. I hope so.

When I was on Mt. Nittany, there was something on a log which I saw out of the corner of my eye. As soon as I noticed it, it vanished into the hollow log. It might have been a mouse, a lizard, or an extremely large spider. I tried to find it, but couldn’t.

I need to check on the blueberries and pawpaws. I have to go up the mountain again. I also eventually need to dig up blueberry plants and put them into pots. They need a certain number of cold days per year. How does a plant calculate the number of cold days? How does it count? This seems like an interesting area of scientific study.

I also want more hopniss, American Plum, persimmon, and spicebush now that I know what it is, and that other thing, …? And serviceberry, oh – I remember – Hoary Mountain Mint, and American Skullcap. Hoary mountain mint is allegedly a treatment for laziness, so I wonder what it does and want to try it – can it help chronic fatigue? Skullcap allegedly treats the seizures of rabies. I used it when I had rabies, but I’m not in the mood to retell the rabies story. It began with a pro-vaccination lunatic murdering moron with access to rabid animals he was able to deliver to my home on Oneida Street a couple years ago to force it to fight with my cat. These are people who cause diseases deliberately because they worship death and they have infinite resources and laboratories with manufactured diseases in them. And he came from craigslist, which illustrates my point about how craigslist is controlled by murdering morons (and realtors) who are stupid and evil beyond the comprehension of any normal human being. They’ll be just like the murdering pedophiles of pizzagate. And I call it pizzagate, not pedogate, because pizza *means* something and it’s specific, not general. Pizzagate showed us what happens when we’re given specific names and specific locations.

The tunnel spider’s visitors

September 11, 2017

I think my phone will die before I finish this. The battery is low. My tunnel spider, which I can see through the mesh above me, which is outside, not in, the tent, is benign. It stays in one place all the time and doesn’t bother me. So even though it looks scary, I have some affection for it.

A couple times, like today, it’s had a male visitor. I know it’s a male because it looks similar but is smaller, skinnier, with a pointed abdomen and boxing gloves on its pedipalps, and also because it’s spending so much time hanging around my spider trying to get close to her.

Alas, there is a mangled, dried up shell of another spider hanging nearby. Was it a competitor of another species, or was it another male that tried to visit her? I don’t know. The male is spending hours and hours hanging around her tunnel, and she is mostly ignoring him. She doesn’t come out to attack or to mate. He’s slowly moving into the tunnel, but after a while gets chased back out. I don’t know if they mated yet or not, and I don’t know if any previous visitors did either.

She’s kind of fat, but I haven’t seen her make an egg sac. I’m hoping she does, but I know that it might hatch and tiny spiders will come in through the holes, which seems to have happened before in previous tents. Miniature spiders less than 1/32 inch long are not scary. They’re cute, and also a nuisance, as they hang down and get in the way. (I had to plug my phone into the laptop because it did die.)

Yesterday, a boy was so beautiful he broke my heart. He stopped to get gas for his RV, and was out there a while. I saw his girlfriend walking around in there. There were chicken sculptures, like farm decorations, on the wall, just mundane things. His hair was blond, straight, and cut to shoulder length evenly, a bob I guess. He was so skinny his clothes were hanging loosely on him. And he had an RV. They probably came here to see the football game, but I know there are decent people who like football.

An esoteric memory – those metal squeezy things in chemistry class

September 9, 2017

I suddenly remembered chemistry class (which I loved and was very good at, until I got to organic chem in college and had to actually study – but back when it was so easy that studying wasn’t necessary, I loved chemistry). There were things we used to light the Bunsen burners. They were metal. It was a little cup of metal with something in it that would spark. You scraped one leg of the squeezer against that thing to light the burner. It was like a wishbone shaped tweezer thing. When you squeeze it the scrapy end crosses the sparky thing. How would I recall something so specific I only did a few times, decades ago?

I have to earn my fire badge

September 9, 2017

I have never started a fire with friction. I’ve also never used magnesium, flint, or some other spark. I have some non-primitive tools to help at first – a knife, sisal twine, a couple other things. So it would be a compromise in that way. I prefer to start off with flintknapped tools of stone, and ropes made only of local plant fiber. But I can cheat at first just to get an impression of how it would work, for practice. I know they use a bow with a string to spin the stick faster. But I have chronic fatigue syndrome and arthritis. So I want the least amount of repetitive motion. I thought of spinning a wheel on an axle. The wheel would have a handle facing up, which rotates in its place, so I can turn the wheel with it. Or a system of differently sized gears, where the larger gear spins the smaller gear, and it’s effortless to spin the large one quickly, like my bicycle. In fact I could pin it to the bike and pedal the bike, maybe upside down, in high gear. Didn’t Uncle Eugene once tell a story of how he and his friends were shelling black walnuts using a conveyor belt attached to the axle of a car or truck that was propped up off the ground?

continued brush cutting

September 9, 2017

I took several naps through the day, had one caffeine pill early in the morning, and several cups of instant coffee over the day, which is no longer so horrible because I know about how much of the ingredients to use. I’m rereading the Lois Lowry books from the beginning, during my breaks, and now I’m on Gathering Blue again. I would like to learn primitive dye making. But to really learn that, I should also learn alchemy, also known as material science, and find the mineral stones that have color, like cobalt. But for that kind of thing I’ll need to build my own iron forge like the one at the mansion across from the duckpond.

I have four bundles now. I cut a bunch more brush but didn’t bundle it. The bundling process became much easier as a result of doing it for a while, then taking a nap, then doing it, then taking a nap. Sleep integrated the skills. On the third round, I knew exactly what to do and how to do it, and I had an efficient process set up.

Sometimes a sort of lucky accident happens, where I just happen to start using some object in the environment as a tool, as if it were designed for that and put there for me. I just started using this fallen tree as a workbench. It had branches where I could put the brush in between and hold it in place. After doing this I started to marvel in amazement at how perfect this workbench was for what I was doing. I actually enjoyed doing this work today.

I might buy ylang ylang oil next time. I inhaled it at the store, but didn’t buy it. I felt instantly sickened by it. However, it’s an antidepressant and it might account for what I did today. But I think having two days off work in a row was more the cause. One day off isn’t enough to recover. It’s only on the second day that I can start to do anything other than lie in bed feeling miserable. Some of that is because I either walk or bike to work. Travel is exhausting. I feel so much better in every way if I just never walk at all, unless I have long recovery times.

building materials

September 9, 2017

They gave me the idea to cut down these invasive honeysuckle bushes and whatever else these bushes are, and bundle all the cut branches together with string, so they form logs. They’re just extremely light logs made of thin branches.

I cut a few bushes down and made two bundles. I started the third but didn’t finish it. I am so exhausted after using the clippers and tying the bundles that I have to keep taking very long breaks and naps. I have more endurance when I’m fully decaffeinated. My fatigue is bad now, especially because I used my arm muscles.

There are reasons why I need these bundles. My tent is extremely slanted, because I never had time to prepare this campsite. I moved to this spot to avoid the police. I usually make a pile of sticks, which I collect from around the woods, although that’s very hard without having existing pathways. I use sticks instead of digging to make the land flat, partly because digging is very hard to do and very noisy, and I also hate slicing earthworms. Most it’s just too noisy to dig. I have to wear earplugs to block the awful scratch of rocks, but surely everyone around can hear.

I’m pleased with the bundles but now I’m covered head to toe with poison ivy. I never did a poison ivy eradication project here. What we need is the removal of invasive bushes, and the planting of native ones. I enjoyed discovering spicebush at the plant garden thing. What’s it called? Where they have labels. At Penn State. Botanical garden. I will have my own labeled botanical garden in the future.

I don’t have spicebush, but I bought a couple more essential oils. I packed them into the storage unit and haven’t had any. I just enjoy them – they make life pleasant and interesting. I don’t think they work miracles. They just give me something to smell, anything, and it’s not a toxic chemical perfume. I got citronella and patchouli, because I don’t think I’ve ever gotten either of those. I can’t access my box of oils in the storage unit to see.

about the not-so-MMB, continued, and about intentional communities

September 7, 2017

She also uses the word “beautiful” to describe men, as I do, and said her ex was beautiful, a redhead. She has facial hair which she is shaving off, so she can relate to my experience with that, although she has more than I do and it could be from the drugs and diseases and things that have been affecting her since childhood.

I do want to meet more people who are into intentional communities, and I want to talk about Delta Quadra with them, and about what I’ve learned from Lois Lowry’s books. The books were about how values shape the way the community develops. The first community was totally artificial and restricted in population, as though they lived under a dome.

But I want to question all about population restriction and bring up the books I’ve read that convinced me population can grow. It’s not just the Julian Simon book anymore. I’ve combined other ideas, including permaculture and small scale farming instead of industrial monocropping, and also, surprisingly enough, Corey Goode and David Wilcock. I’ve been influenced enough by reading them to believe it’s possible and desirable to live literally underground, lots of people, and to colonize all the moons and planets, again often by going underground. There are so many moons, not just the planets themselves. And that’s just in our local system, but that’s enough to even just barely get started.

Looking at that vision, it’s insane to limit the population. We won’t destroy the earth if we design communities with laws that forbid paving every inch with asphalt and laws that forbid fruit trees in the city. Because it’s actually laws that forbid it, not mere custom. We also don’t need oil leaking out of the pipes as a friend of mine saw with his own eyes – just an oil leak sitting there being ignored and running all over the place because nobody gives a fuck.

Blaire also, like me, loves all kinds of animals, but accepts the reality of their slaughter for food.

I asked for my days off

September 7, 2017

I told her that I could work the weekends during football games, but wanted to have several weekdays in a row off.

I’m so frustrated about this cold weather too – every day it gets colder and I can’t do anything at all to make my tent warmer, and it’s raining constantly because of all the hurricanes and the wind is blowing, and when I wake up, I’m reaching that point where I can’t get out of bed because it’s so cold I have to stay in the blankets. And the time is rushing by so quickly. It’s September! On January 22nd I was holding mom’s hand. I had all these plans for the year, such as going to vocational school.

However, the vocational school plan is actually not ended, and in fact is closer to being done. If I live at Fort Bellefonte and have a scooter, it’s only a short distance to the vocational school. I don’t know the exact number of miles, but it’s around there. I need to know so I can ride my scooter there.

My coworker Blaire who seemed like a “micromanaging bitch” on the first day is actually becoming a good friend, and is obviously an ESTJ. She loves self-sufficient farms and intentional communities or ecovillages, and when she lived in Yukon PA she had a lot of animals, but left to get away from her abusive boyfriend. (And I wonder what type he was – sometimes relationships fail because of socionics.) She said he was bipolar and so is she, but that she’s controlling hers better and she’s on meds, and she’s also diabetic. She also loves helping people and trusting people, just as I do – I assume the best about people and, if I am healthy enough, I help others, although I’m somewhat limited right now. I have helped people more in the past. She’s going to let a couple people live with her because they needed a place to stay. So, like me, she uses practical direct action to help people, by doing something herself. I did that too, driving Peter in the car to go shopping and stuff. And Hurricane Matthew also did that for me, moving my bags out of the tent.

I do feel flowing intimacy with quadra members

September 6, 2017

It is brain flow, the mental state described by some dude with an impossible name, Mihaly Chikzentmihalya or something along those lines. Google can fix that, I’m sure. Love is the experience of brain flow while interacting with a person. I had it recently for a brief couple seconds with Steve (INFJ activator), but it’s better with duals. It takes more strain with an activator. I’ve actually had some good conversations with socionic supervisions (ESFJ and ENTJ) in real life, but still it is not like duality.

I do have flowing easy conversations with Mark, ENFP, from McDonalds. He’s also referred to as “the fat guy.” He is very unintelligent and is also on some unnecessary drugs that affect his body and his mind. I try to avoid him though – he already lives with a girlfriend, and always tries to basically have sex with me in public. I understand he wants to proudly claim me in front of everyone. People jump to the conclusion that I’m a prostitute if they see me allowing openly public sexual acts. I am actually in life threatening physical danger if people think I’m a prostitute. People murder prostitutes, and they demand things from them. Oh, you’ll have sex with *anybody* then! I demand you have sex with *me*! This is dangerous if they have intense unmet emotional needs that I absolutely can’t fulfill.

I learned of this mental flow from Rachael, my first experience of the ENFP duality. I know I’ve been calling them all delusional sociopaths. Reading Lois Lowry’s books I saw all the “cutting people off” behavior as the entire plot of the series – move away, leave people behind, as you join a different community. I want a community composed of my quadra so that when people leave or reject you, there are always replacements. They don’t seem to have any concept of how irreplaceable they are, and our social-moral system disvalues any concept of legitimate need for intimate relationships. You can’t say “I demand an intimate relationship!”

the dream, continued

September 6, 2017

Like the Trademaster’s trades, I could get what I wanted, but give up some extremely important aspect of what I wanted. Last year, in real life, I allowed a Guatemalan coworker to almost get me pregnant, but he was a socionic illusionary (ESFP) and I knew it. Our intimacy was shallow because of that. I don’t want anything to do with Gamma SFs anymore because they are completely incapable of gentle touch. Maybe they can do gentle touch with their own quadra members, but not me. I actually recall a girl who I suspected might be ENTJ who was extremely ticklish when touched gently. So that’s the weak disvalued +Si I guess. They have to just be grabbed forcefully. Meanwhile, grabbing forcefully is boring and disappointing to me. I have to actually *feel* some kind of emotional intimacy, which I do get from some other types.

So in the dream, I saw a list of Guatemalan “royalty.” I think this was a reversal, because the white people are ruling Guatemala. They’re probably German. In the dream a guy randomly approached me while I was out walking, and I quickly recognized him as an ESFP. He was very beautiful and had hair a few inches long. He showed no fear or distaste about me, not saying “Ew, you’re old/ugly/fat/dirty/ have a mustache.” He started hanging around with me in the dream, attending some outdoor event, and he was a member of the royalty. It meant good breeding and not much else. I think I remember starting to have sex with him but not quite doing it before I woke up. It was kind of a sad “trade” due to our inability to be intimate.

That dream reflects many real life experiences. I could be totally alone, or, I could have a small amount of low quality intimacy with people I don’t love. That’s exactly how a lot of my relationships have been. That describes them badly because I do love them, I just can’t express it in ways they’re able to accept, and can’t feel it deeply in a flowing way. It is a dutiful love to a friend.