Feeling an abnormal amount of helpless rage, don’t know what’s causing it

February 12, 2018
Usually it means I’ve had an antidepressant, especially turmeric, which I still encounter in food since I’m not using antidepressants deliberately anymore. I did eat mustard several times, but that usually doesn’t give me a turmeric antidepressant rage. I got the most rage when I ate the “healthiest” turmeric, the fresh organic root, but I get it from turmeric food coloring sometimes too. The rage has been mostly about computers, combined with the helplessness of having no water at home until the weather gets warm, and having an ephedra outbreak so I can’t buy books, can’t borrow library books, and can’t do projects. I need a hacking workstation. I need a place to hack computers and phones, a place to put all my software and hardware and books and papers.

I’m enraged at bad websites, and at hackers, who have junkware on my laptop so that I can’t use the internet without fighting a constant battle. I’m enraged at electronic weapon users, who hack the computer for harassment when I’m not online, using methods that require a shield, which I don’t have – I can’t build a shield when I have no room in the house for it because of the piles of unopened bags and boxes. I need a separate little small trailer, just a box trailer, not an RV, for storage, and I need several of them, some of which will have workshops in them, while others store stuff.

I’m having reactions to orange juice salicylate too. My ears have been ringing and extremely hypersensitive to chalkboard screeches. I accidentally scratched a fingernail on something and instantly clasped my hands over my ears in unbearable agony for quite a few seconds afterwards. It’s organic orange juice. But it’s not raw. I like Wegmans’ raw organic fresh squeezed juice.

Also I could be getting sick again, and that could be causing the rage. Brain inflammation from viruses can make me murderously hateful. I usually don’t figure out what was wrong until after it’s over.


Custom search engine needed

February 10, 2018
I’m sick of stupid trolls ruling the internet and writing useless crap that I have to scroll through to find things written by real humans. I want to read real people’s experiences, not these paid bloggers writing crap for the public so they can advertise stuff. I also need a custom made operating system on custom made proprietary hardware. I’ll make a computer whose entire outside is covered with tiny solar panels like the ones on solar calculators. A computer is just a calculator. I’m sick of phones reenabling apps I disabled because they’re constantly updating and telling me I have no space and I don’t use Google Newsstand and all that shit. You can’t uninstall them and they reactivated after being disabled. I’m done with this stupid shit. I need computers and phones made by non-lunatics and non-retards who are also not evil. And search engines.

The book, Fat Land

February 10, 2018
In the campground laundry room there’s a basket of books. I picked up Fat Land. It began to explain how US Americans became obese. It’s a very good book. I obviously didn’t read it all, as I was just doing laundry. I don’t think it talked about vaccinations as a possible cause, or psychiatric drugs, but it did talk about government policies and subsidies that benefit junk food, and it talked about the concept of supersizing portions and selling more and making profits. By the way, I haven’t had a shower in days. I do *not* feel confident enough to flirt with anyone.

Anyway. The Koreans are very fast, but it’s more than that. They have exceedingly high standards for how well a task should be done, and I felt sloppy, lazy, stupid, and apathetic in comparison. The Guatemalans were tiny pygmies who didn’t eat much food and seemed contented with nothing but chicken and rice given for free by the slavemaster Freddy. They didn’t seem to mind working extremely long hours. They didn’t have chronic illnesses or chronic fatigue syndrome. They weren’t poisoned by dozens of psychiatric meds. Tiny people can move faster due to less inertia.

I can totally understand why people want to hire foreigners. THEY ARE HEALTHY!!! US AMERICANS ARE SICK, FAT, AND DRUGGED! Okay, enough caps. Battery is dying..gotta go.

the cockblocking incident

February 10, 2018
What actually happened was, CJ overheard this drunken conversation we were having. The guy was saying, “Come hang out with the boys guys. The guys boys.” I was struggling to figure out what he was saying and I was laughing a little bit, but flattered that he was asking. This was out of nowhere and I had never seen this guy before, or never noticed him. CJ came over and started to talk babble at the same time the other guy talked, so that every time he even started to say a word, CJ babbled loudly over him, making random noises, exaggerating his difficulty speaking. I tried to laugh and make it okay, but it was rude. I said, “He’s messing with you,” or something, but CJ wouldn’t stop, and finally the guy just left. CJ wasn’t saving me from anything. The guy probably would’ve had to leave anyway after another customer came to the counter.

I would really like to try being with an Asian guy at some time in my life, though, but Asians don’t flirt with me, except the one housemate at Whitehall Road who climbed up into my bedroom while I was asleep, after he and I had a conversation the night before, and he woke me up asking if he could give me a massage. I hate massages, so I said no thanks, but in retrospect I should’ve said yes and then had sex with him. It’s actually hilarious in retrospect. Totally inappropriate, but at the same time, not the slightest bit threatening, violent, or dangerous. I never felt scared. He was simultaneously totally inappropriate while also gentle and non-threatening – how strange. What a shame I missed out on this opportunity. That was in, like, 1998.

President Trump is the ultimate cockblocker if you are a xenophile like me, because he wants to prevent immigrants from coming here.

I miss working with the Koreans and the Guatemalans. There are actually real problems with different races interacting. The Guatemalans were tireless and fast workers, not heavy and slow like the American Giant Pigs, who are obese and toxic and sick.

No title yet

February 10, 2018
I’m writing in a hurry before I leave for work. I wanted a nap, but I can’t sleep because I still have ephedra all around the pillow area. I just CAN’T WAIT until the spring thaw so that I can start cleaning this place. I’m getting enough sleep at night – I don’t have severe insomnia, so the ephedra outbreak isn’t as bad as it was in the beginning years ago. But it interferes with sleep. I’m almost off coffee. The watercoffee is barely tinted yellow. I put only a tiny bit from the bottom of a cup in it.Yesterday a drunk guy, so drunk he could barely talk, started flirting with me and asking if I would go hang out with him and his friends. It wasn’t inconceivable, except I still had an hour before leaving work. I was kind of laughing, but he persisted. This dumb brute persistence might actually have worked. He wasn’t outright repulsive, other than being drunk. I could’ve theoretically given him my number. But CJ cockblocked him. CJ has his own girlfriends, but yet he had to cockblock me. I could’ve hung out with some people so drunk they wouldn’t ever even remember I was there. I don’t have to worry that drunken slobs are judging me.

I’m ovulating soon, maybe even now, but I didn’t use the basal temp thermometer except once. I keep forgetting. Also I was sick and feared I would put my germs on the thermometer and not bother to wipe it off with a sanitizing wipe because they’re over on the shelf. They’re not right next to me on the bed, although they’d fit right in with all the junk piled on the bed. My garbage box is overflowing.

Freddy and Flossie Bobbsey are becoming annoying. They keep running away from their parents and getting lost immediately after having done so and been scolded for it. Extraverted sensing. They’re like, “Look at that! Let’s forget all the bad stuff that just happened and go look at it!” The entire plot advances that way. I think it was based on real kids. My own plot simply doesn’t advance at all. But at least it doesn’t do impulsive stupid stuff.

I need to make videos that have actual content in them

February 8, 2018
I mean pictures of people and animals besides myself. And objects and scenery and activities. The joy of life. I have no kids, and when I die I will cease to exist. So why not make youtube videos so that the existence of my physical body can be seen by people and remembered and appreciated. *I* think I’m the most awesome human being on the planet, but nobody else does, so it will make me feel good to imagine people are looking at my video.

They must be really pleased with me today

February 8, 2018
I looked at the clock at 2:22, 3:33, and 4:44. The disclosure people are always talking about how sequential numbers are significant. I’m aware that it’s an urge given to you to do something at a particular moment. But I think they’re pleased about my making a youtube video. It’s not up yet. I need to go someplace to sit and upload it. I could go to UniMart, or the HUB, or the library – those are the best places at the moment. I have to work today. I feel somewhat less dizzy now, although still not great. It’s just a vlog, but that’s unpronounceable. So a video blog. I talked about intentional communities as an alternative to politics, and why I can’t really call myself libertarian.

Groggy from this norovirus, or moldy air from ceiling leak?

February 8, 2018
I found water dripping from the ceiling. I think snow might be against the air conditioner. This afternoon I feel all dizzy and groggy, like passing out or having a convulsion. I opened a window. However I have reason to suspect it’s the Fainting Norovirus. My coworker last night, Kelsey, said she felt like passing out and throwing up, but she got over it and didn’t vomit. I then felt like vomiting and didn’t eat a lot for the rest of the night, although I had some orange juice and butter cookies. I’m eating now. It’s not faintness from lack of food. I’ve fasted longer than this.

The roof never leaked from rain, only from this snow. It’s probably piled up high enough to lean against some holes in the air conditioner, and I only say that because it looks that way on my neighbor’s roof. I haven’t looked at my own in daylight yet to see what’s going on. I will later. But, a leaky AC will have mold in it. Mold might explain why I felt weird when I used the heater, back when I had propane and it was working.

Viruses fall from the sky when it rains and snows. However I also experience outbreaks of bad viruses when large groups of people travel in and out of town for recurring sporting events.

I’m so dizzy and tired right now I don’t know how I’ll go to work at 6, but I’ll try.

so tired I don’t even want to comb my hair

February 5, 2018
It takes too much effort to keep my arms lifted up for long periods of time to comb my hair. I slept even more than I had been doing during this coffee tapering. I felt like it was really hard to wake up today. I’m drinking the super-thin watercoffee now and I can’t taste much, just barely. It’s not waking me up. What I think is most brilliant about this watercoffee is the fact that the water satisfies your thirst. Coffee gives you cravings for more coffee partly because it makes you urinate so much and it dehydrates you, so you simply want water but interpret it as wanting coffee. I’m just drinking this nearly harmless water now.

But my brain is not functioning much. I tried to work on a GameMaker program and I got so exhausted I had to stop. I couldn’t understand just one simple function I had to write. For some reason in all *my* applications, I can never just use the built-in drag-and-drop buttons, except rarely. I always have to write some code. I never have simple situations where the built in buttons work. And a hacker disabled all the popup tooltips so that even if I go to settings and tell it to show them, it ignores the checkbox.

This is one of those hacks where they did permanent damage and left it there forever, like the time when they hacked my laptop headphone jack plugin so I can never listen to anything on headphones again, which means I basically can’t watch any videos at all in public places on the wifi. I even reinstalled GameMaker and the tooltips didn’t come back. So I have to guess what these meaningless symbols are, and have to open the help file every single time so that I’m not just pressing them to see what they do. The buttons are helpful because if I can use them I’m able to easily see at a glance what’s going on in a program.

I briefly played the Roller Coaster Tycoon demo I have installed. The real one stopped working for no reason. I don’t know what happened. But RCT is in assembly language

The coffee pipette

February 5, 2018

True to my word, I’m adding only a tiny dropper’s worth of coffee to this gallon. That’s the sharpest decrease I’ve had in dosages so far, aside from the first batch. In the first batch I went suddenly from drinking several cups a day to drinking two cups over many days mixed in the gallon. I felt the withdrawal then. I’ve done slower decreases since then. This one is a major drop in dosage. It’s so pale I can hardly see more than a faint yellow tint to the water. I have a feeling that this might be so ineffective that I have to strengthen it.

I’m noticing I’m less *attached* to the coffee. What I mean is, I might pour myself a cup of watercoffee, then take a sip or two, then sit back down to play a video game and forget that the cup of watercoffee is sitting over on the table. Normally, I’d be so desperate for coffee that nothing could make me forget to bring it with me. The coffee is the center of my focus. It was *not possible* to just accidentally forget that a cup of coffee was sitting there waiting to be drunk.

Also, when I got this pipette at Sheetz, I let the cup sit with me untouched and wasn’t tempted to drink it as I sat using the wifi for a while.

Oh, the cashier must have noticed I bought a cup that seemed empty. I set it down and it made a hollow clatter. I literally just bought those few drops of coffee for full price. I hope he didn’t think I stole something by hiding it in a coffee cup.

I’ve already been sleeping more than usual. The tapering down continues…. Do I trust myself to go all the way to cold turkey now? See the photo – that tiny drop is now in a gallon of water, to drink over several days.

and I’m aware of the symbolism in Terraria

February 4, 2018
I would rather not have sexual symbolism throughout the entire game – especially because it’s anti-reproductive, non-procreational sex, aiding the depopulation agenda. Extended recreational sex for entertainment only. They have a mushroom guy who says “If you can’t beat him, eat him,” referring to a penis, which is what the mushroom guy looks like. And people who use mushrooms, the drug, have extreme sex sessions that were also talked about in that forum. Like, twelve hours of multiple orgasms, and that’s how they want to live their life. To me, that’s unbearably boring and stupid. So before I knew that death=orgasm, I would get all upset about whatever was dying, because I took it literally. I hate symbolism. The chatroom guy used to talk about killing a goat, and as naive as it sounds, I thought he was just some death-obsessed necro creep, since women always died in the books and movies he recommended to me. He explicitly talked about “Thanatos and Eros.” Again, to me this is suggestive of serial killer, but millions of people see it as perfectly normal sex symbolism. I see it as a way of lying, hiding, and tricking people and making fools of them.

So I can’t tell what this dream is because you never know if they mean real death or just orgasm. There was a feeling of sadness, and I wanted to stop him from jumping off the porch (note, that porch is low enough that you would break bones and paralyze yourself without dying). The voice said, “He knows how to comfort himself.” Also, they had recently been talking about the fact that I had done oral sex with boyfriends in the past, giving and receiving. I shouldn’t give it now, because my broken teeth are sharp enough to cut skin. I’m also not on herbal drugs anymore so I’m mostly asexual except occasionally while ovulating.

And I can barely tolerate 99% of all humans, sexually. I sometimes find foreign people more tolerable than US Americans.

So, I don’t know what else.

a previous McD manager

February 4, 2018
In the dream there was a black guy whose voice sounded like “Adam,” a previous McD manager who I really liked a lot. I have his name in quotes because, even though that is his real name, it might be referring to Adam Driver, which is meant to symbolize “an attractive ENFP,” someone in the military and on the dark side, whose only possible future trope is “heroic death” to fix his unredeemable story character, since the Star Wars movies never challenge any tropes or do anything unconventional. They cannot have him redeemed and saved. The black guy, Finn, a former storm trooper (I didn’t see the previous movies so I never saw what he did), is also a suspected ENFP but I don’t find him attractive. So all I remember of the dream is, we were on the really high back porch at the WV house, and the black guy was saying that he couldn’t stand up to these people – I had been hearing voices about that, and the idea was, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. I heard that idea in TV shows in childhood. I always took it as a joke, a stupid one, and not a real piece of advice.

Some of this could also be about the WHORES in the ENFP forum, who are either 1. Mistyped and not ENFP, 2. Not mistyped and not claiming to be ENFP but just taking advantage of that forum, or 3. Real ENFPs who really are disgusting sociopathic power-seeking gold-digging whores. I saw one justifying herself saying “Wah wah, I can love sex and also be intellectual” or some idiotic shit like that. I am all-powerful and nobody can tell me not to do whatever the fuck I want to do. The mods are having trouble with people complaining about all the explicit erotic photos and selfies, but they can’t or won’t stop it.

So in the dream this black guy said there was one way of standing up to these people (fighting back), and he sadly jumped off the back porch. While he was falling I heard the squeaky noise from Terraria which is basically like masturbation. “Standing up” phallically. “Killing yourself” is “orgasm” TBC…

occasional benevolent-seeming helpers

February 4, 2018
Every once in a while I get these brief, temporary “angel” personas who interact for a day or two, then leave, after urging me to make my life better somehow. The nicest ones always leave, and the ones that sound like artificial intelligence remain. Or nothing in particular, just annoying horrible pop songs I was forced to hear on the radio because the radio is inescapable everywhere I go in public places. And I am *extremely* picky about music, and *nothing* is good enough for me, nothing. So most of the time I just hear horrific pop songs replaying. The nicer personas will make an effort to avoid songs I absolutely hate if I insist strongly enough that I hate them.

But why is their mind reading ability so advanced, yet so pathetic at the same time? Shouldn’t they automatically know exactly what I like and hate without having a battle about it in my head? I shouldn’t have to do a subvocal speech argument when they should be able to see my brain’s displeasure while I sit there hearing an awful piece of music that I can’t stand. They seem to be unwilling or unable to understand nonverbalized thought processes, either because thy can’t or they don’t want to. That’s what they prevent the most, if I try to control my own brain, anything not verbalized in subvocal whispers.

Anyway, after all that, a coworker told me a school friend of his committed suicide recently, right around the time when I wrote that the annoying neighbor should put a bullet in his skull. I felt really miserable and angry that day. Then I read on facebook simultaneously other people saying they had bad seasonal depression right now. I think it was a HAARP-like attack on everyone. (There are many others besides HAARP.) Or a chemtrail formulation, something hitting us all at once. Or even natural Chinook winds or natural weather and ions somehow. Or the electromagnetic fields of earth. Anything hitting us all.

Today’s dream had a black guy whose voice sounded like… TBC

Bad dreams, and continuing pressure to go check the storage unit

February 4, 2018
This thing about the storage unit suddenly came from “them” in the past few days. They’re trying to make me believe that somebody is going to cut the lock on the door and throw my stuff away. I told the lady I would need it for an unknown length of time. I cannot handle a contamination outbreak when I don’t even have running water in my house right now. The voices were saying “Don’t be afraid,” and then either I, or another voice (you can’t tell which subvocal speech is your own – you can be forced to say things) said, “Insanity, desire for total self- destruction,” and another voice was saying “She wants out of this, she doesn’t want to be here,” and “I” explained that the reason why I blame mind control for everything bad that happens to me is because I experience constant, nonstop, unavoidable brain interference. It isn’t always “hearing voices.” It’s this background noise that keeps me from being able to think. And if I try too hard to focus on anything at all, except “approved” thoughts, I explicitly get zapped, forced to fall asleep, forced to see images and hear voices, and all that.

This has been overt and severe since 2003, although I had other similar things before that, but it was less severe. So all the dumb stuff that “I” have done was done in a state where I am unable to freely use my own brain to its fullest potential. And I am constantly given subconscious beliefs, and prevented from processing my own subconscious ideas, because my dreams are controlled and written by external people. It isn’t my own brain just cleaning itself while I sleep. So whatever my own brain wants to do, it is prevented from doing, because someone else makes it do other things.

The voices often get bad on weekends and they’ve told me they’re drunk. They say more human sounding things sometimes – I usually assume the repetitious crap is artificial intelligence being forced to interact with my brain. Every once in a while… TBC

The Read Aloud Project fantasy, like the local fish egg fantasy

February 3, 2018
I had these ideas recently. I wanted to hatch local fish, like the brook trout, at home. Then today I had the idea I want to read The Bobbsey Twins to a group of old people who remember when life was that way. Young people would like it too. I remember at first thinking it was stupid and boring (when I first found the book as a kid), but then it grew on me and I really got into it. I later read the other Bobbsey books from the library. I’m reading it online at a site called “ebacon.” I just couldn’t stop, and now I’m opening it every time I go online. The kids don’t use fantasy, which was one reason I first thought it was stupid. It is all very realistic and I think it was based on real kids if I recall. I just always liked fantasy and magic for some reason.

Just waiting, and waiting, for the spring

February 3, 2018
I can’t do anything else. I’m just slowly reducing the coffee in my watercoffee, and waiting for the thaw, waiting to fix my water lines, waiting to do a decon, waiting to get my stuff out of the storage unit. I had wanted to go to see Shen Yun, but I haven’t felt motivated to buy the ticket, especially because of everything else making my life difficult right now. Maybe I could see it later in the year, in some other city besides Philadelphia. I could see it when it’s warm outside. I just don’t know when it’s playing. I would rather not have to buy a nice piece of clothing to wear, when my house is contaminated.

Shen Yun is a giant dance performance from China, with a message about the human rights violations as well. I’m sure it won’t be as vile as that thing I saw at the State Theatre where the monotonous brain-killing “music” went on for hours.

I hate being forced to postpone my existence longer and longer. I was happy when I first moved into here. I was about to start doing projects and making progress. I was getting books again. I was going to learn new skills.

The watercoffee method is extremely effective. I am making it thinner and thinner each batch. There’s a limit to how much water you can drink because it satisfies your thirst and makes you feel full, unlike coffee, which dehydrates you and constantly makes you crave more even if you just had a large cup a short time ago. I do still attempt to drink more watercoffee as my body tries to get a higher dose, but I can’t drink very much. To some extent I can increase the dose by drinking more, but only just barely. It gets harder to do with each thinner batch.

Soon I will need a pipette to take only a few drops of coffee to put in my gallon of water. You’d think it’s only a placebo by then. But I assure you, it is *working*. No placebo could ever break my addiction to coffee, which has gone on for decades. Only a couple molecules of coffee partially satisfies the craving.

panic, continued

February 2, 2018
The panic attack had to do with changing my phone number and not telling anybody except a couple people. I allowed two tracfone numbers to discontinue. I kept the oldest number I’d had for years. I just had a new number because of getting a smartphone. But the old number had to be moved to a new phone I hated because the old Nokia had to be disabled since it couldn’t use 4g networks. Or so they said. I hated the new phone I moved it to. It was the most insane stupid phone I have ever owned in my life. I have never seen a shittier appliance on this entire planet. So I wanted to keep my old number, keep my current smartphone, and switch the old number to the smartphone and let the two new numbers go. One number was on a fliphone that I also didn’t like much. It was a piece of shit because you couldn’t hear on it. I had actually bought it to give to Jesse once when he said he washed his phone in the laundry. He didn’t want it though. I think he was lying at that time – not important. I don’t feel like explaining all the details. I’m still feeling panicky. I also don’t feel like explaining the details of why I hated the other phones. I can, but I won’t, not now. It was how they functioned. Some other day when I’m not panicking.

Panic attack – can’t get stuff out of storage

February 2, 2018
I technically *can* get my stuff out of storage. I know where it is, I have the key, I can drive there. But I can’t put that stuff anywhere because the last couple things I put in there are severely contaminated. I’m having a panic attack for unknown reasons this morning and the panic centered on my stuff in storage. It might actually be because of the weather or something, or because of exposure to secondhand drugs. But I absolutely cannot bring all the stuff into here. I was forced to reopen contaminated stuff stored at WV because they mind controlled Dad and made him spontaneously throw away my computer monitor out of my bedroom closet for no reason, and I thought he was going crazy and throwing away all my belongings. So I rushed home to defend my stuff. I was forced to get the ephedra covered belongings out of the basement.

Implausible Anaya stories are continuing

February 1, 2018
I don’t have time to write before work. But the story had to jump ahead to the next implausible assumptions. Toleration for implausibility is necessary to create the dreamlike feeling, where strange things are accepted as normal. She gets to the island and has children in her seventies, and this fact becomes taken for granted as normal and is no longer even really important. It is, but it isn’t. The story doesn’t center on that one fact. You accept the fact and move on. It’s then a story of a whole bunch of people in a monastery giving birth at all ages, for a purpose they all share. They study and learn the teachings and attitudes and values of Anaya while also having children. So they learn new skills in their seventies while raising families. Like the vocational school. Their vision is to colonize the harshest, most undesirable, neglected areas and make them into happy, healthy, joyful places to live and raise families. They grow to hundreds of years old.

Some new implausible fact must always be made. So they had sunpipes going down a maintenance shaft to the bottom of the ocean. Why would anyone do something so pointless and extreme? It’s as ridiculous as the trailer houses stacked on top of each other in the dystopian movie I saw advertised where people play video games at “The Oasis.” (Felt like ENFP.) My vision will be utopian, not dystopian. The sunpipes tolerate being yanked out by rogue waves because they have slack. They also float if disconnected. Or else they’re in the maintenance shaft as I added on later. I was gradually answering interrogations of “why? how?” and inventing some crazy rationale or method.

There was some movie about a lighted city underground – something about lights. They came to the surface at the end. It was implausible, but a good movie. Why would people go to such extremes? Why the effort? Reasons must be given. Then jump to a later phase in the story to progress it. Why would I enjoy watching this movie?

The Bobbsey Twins’ iceboat

January 31, 2018

I googled that and started reading one of the books online. I had been reading about icebreakers. I remembered the iceboat from this ancient book at my grandmother’s house. That was how life used to be. Children played outside! They skated! They made iceboats at home out of wood! People had kids!