Archive for March, 2009

letter to martin; compulsive lying

March 29, 2009

i’ve mostly been blogging on my non-anonymous blog (see my ‘about me’ page) the past couple weeks. last night i gave cait a note to give to martin.  it said very little, just asked if he was getting the emails and if it was ok for me to talk to him.  i have been getting hit with voices since then, and all the voices are trying to anticipate and predict how martin will respond to this note.  they’re testing all the different interpretations that i have, such as ‘martin is a jerk and he’s hurting me deliberately,’ ‘martin is clueless and hasn’t even looked at his emails and/or isn’t getting them,’ ‘martin never reads my blog and has no idea what’s going on in my life,’ ‘i have no relevance to his life whatsoever,’ and a whole lot of other negative ideas. i would have stopped writing to him long ago except that i was being forced to wake up with some idea in my head that i had to say to him, and then, usually, they would put words into my mouth, and i would write the dictation word-for-word what they wanted me to say and how they wanted me to say it. they also gave me the theory that he thinks i’m a compulsive liar, and that i don’t really hear voices, and i made the whole thing up just to get attention.  total distrust and total rejection of my whole world and everything i experience.  contempt for me and dismissal of me.  i was reading a forum post on the dating website (you know what, this is my anonymous blog, and it’s not directly connected with my name – so, i’m on, under “inner_silence”, which represents the mind-state that i wish i could experience… warning, there is a photo that shows my ‘unorthodox’ grooming preferences).  and somebody was describing how her former husband turned out to be a compulsive liar.  i don’t know if he was just lying about specific subjects, or if he was one of those extremely compulsive liars who lie spontaneously all the time about trivial things, like ‘what color shirt was he wearing’ and that sort of unimportant thing.  anyway that got me thinking about the phenomenon of lying, and i googled it, and started thinking that martin might believe i’m lying about everything i ever said to him, and he dismissed all of it and ignored me for that reason.

i don’t know how long i’ll have to wait for a reply or if he will bother to write one.  he wrote one the last time i gave him a handwritten note.  however, the last note was when i was on st. john’s wort, and when i’m on that drug, i am more suggestible, and they screw up my writing a lot more.  and ‘they’ filled my writing with loads and loads of crap, wasted space, bad writing, unclear thinking, pedantic, etc – it ended up being two full pages front and back.  that happens when i am trying to write while ‘they’ simultaneously force me to say all kinds of stuff.

so in his reply he said ‘i read SOME of your note,’ as though he hadn’t even read the whole thing.  so i made it like a couple sentences long this time.

it isolates someone when you just assume that everything they say is a lie, just to get attention.  to them, your whole universe doesn’t even exist.

well, i will just wait and see what he does.

bad day. a different kind of support wanted…

March 21, 2009

i’ve been thinking something unusual today, and it might have been a ‘planted notion.’ but still i am starting to understand (sentence stem: ‘i am starting/beginning to understand…’ complete the sentence. how would my sentences be structured without those stems? i don’t know, but i’m sure i’d like my writing a lot better.) … what diana leafe christian said. she said, when you join a community, reach out to the same-gender people first, and avoid sexual relationships in the beginning. whenever you are working solely for economic/physical/financial/social support, it should be platonic.

and i didn’t like the idea of having anything to do with women at all, for a long time. but i can imagine myself having a female roommate, or several female roommates, all of whom need a place to live while they raise their children. they could be single mothers. economic cooperation would be the purpose.

it’s the feeling that ‘all men want is sex.’ i can’t get them to focus on economic cooperation, how we can help each other do chores – for instance, if i imagine a ‘house husband’ or a protected/adopted male who stays in the house, does chores and projects, and lives there rent-free, and i buy the food – i can’t get them to even think about doing that. it’s inconceivable or undesirable or unimportant to them. they just want to know, ‘is there sex?’ that’s the very first thing they want to know.

‘what i need right now is…’ (sentence stem. i am having tobacco withdrawal from a contamination incident, and it’s triggering rage every time they put words in my head.) economic cooperation, someone to do chores, someone to give support for the tasks that need done, besides sex.

on the dating sites, the idea is ‘find a sperm donor.’ i have infinity potential sperm donors and they are the EASIEST PART of building a family! merely acquiring a sperm donor is the LAST item on the list of things to do. that is a couple of brief encounters without a condom, and the task is done. it’s easy, it’s quick, it’s almost effortless (as long as i’m healthy enough to be fertile and there aren’t any problems). that’s the EASIEST part. and everybody wants to jump directly to the easy part! the LAST item on the to-do list: conceive the child. that’s what’s on their mind when they contact me. that’s the top of the list of things they’re thinking about.

i am getting impatient with that and it’s a distraction from the goals i need to achieve on the way towards the conception of the child, such as making the house safe enough to replace the carpet and leave it uncontaminated for the next tenant. and planning a permanent place to live, deciding what sort of environment it will be, and doing other long-term projects, such as the ‘wouldn’t it be nice to have a mind control shield on a day like this?’ project. when i’m angry, sick, and in pain, and in tobacco withdrawal from an accidental tobacco contamination incident. when every ‘interaction’ with the whispers triggers rage.

Moldy Shelf Makes Me Sick!

March 20, 2009

Well, something happened yesterday which was good in some ways, and bad in some ways. It was bad because it made me really sick. It was good because it was a very definitive result of a test that I was doing. I know for sure now that one of my theories is right.

I noticed mold growing on a wooden shelf underneath the kitchen sink, in the cabinet. There is a small drip from either the faucet, the drain, or both. When I use that sink at all, it leaks, and sets off the moldy smell.

However, in the past, it might have been a different kind of mold. I used to smell the odor, but it didn’t make me feel sick. So I thought that the mold couldn’t be what was making me sick this winter. (I should say, ‘One of several things that made me sick.’) It had never been anything but a bad smell in the past.

Well, I went several weeks without using that sink. And yes, the smell went away, and so did a lot of my bad fumes: I was in the house, and didn’t get sick.

Yesterday, I used the sink again to run the portable dishwasher for several weeks’ worth of piled-up dishes. It had to be done. Afterwards, I opened the cabinet to look in at the mold, and see whether the sink had been dripping while the dishwasher was running.

When I opened the cabinet, a burst of humid, moldy-smelling air came out, and immediately, that instant, I got sick, felt like I was going to throw up, and got dizzy, tingling, faint, and unable to think clearly. My legs and arms got weak and uncoordinated, and I stumbled when I walked. My throat and lungs became a little bit scratchy and burning (but not very badly, just mildly).

So I opened the windows again, put the fan on, put on a new air filter that a friend got at Goodwill, and then I got out of the house. I felt sick for a while, but it gradually got better when I went outside.

The drip needs to be fixed, and the shelf needs to be replaced. As a compromise on replacing the shelf, it could be covered with something that is not permeable to water, such as linoleum, or wallpaper, or even just garbage bags as a temporary fix. That would help keep it from getting extremely wet, but wouldn’t help whenever the air is very humid, and the humidity activates the mold even without any dripping. So it needs to be fixed for real, but something could be done to make it less bad for a while.

It helps to know for sure one of the things that was making me sick this winter.

random notes: revenge, consensus, chemicals, and mange

March 15, 2009

the concept of ‘revenge’ and ‘justice’ (justice in the sense of ‘punishment’ WITHOUT the goal of consensus/healing) –

consensus can only happen if people:
1. share the same mission statement and agree on that mission
2. have equal access to power
3. have been explicitly trained in consensus

sociocracy – word of the day. similar to the consensus technique, but developed in netherlands, slightly different from consensus. saw it in the book ‘finding community,’ near the very end of the book. i’m going to google that word and read about it – they only mentioned it without explaining it. i don’t know anything about it yet.

when people are in the random anarchy of mainstream society, their mission statements are all random. they don’t agree. some people think ‘my mission is to kill as many ragheads as i can before they kill me,’ which is NOT MY mission. so i’m not going to EVER reach consensus with somebody who has that as their mission; however, we can reach consensus on issues that are general, universal, things that we have in common. diplomats and mediators are skilled at looking for universal needs and rights and things we have in common.

revenge is something that i just didn’t ever ‘get.’ i never had the urge to get revenge on people. i don’t know why. there is such a thing as self-defense. but not ‘revenge.’ revenge means that you aren’t protecting yourself against an immediate threat. instead, the goal is to ‘punish’ someone and make them suffer, and watch them while they suffer. the goal is to cause pain and suffering, but not to protect yourself against a direct threat.

maybe the goal is to waste somebody’s resources, their money, their spirit, their energy, to destroy them and break them so that they remain alive but become harmless. i have been the victim of that myself. (most TIs would agree with that. it’s a whole big topic to talk about the ALTERNATIVES to getting revenge on people, and how people can cooperate better in society – that’s why i’m reading diana leafe christian’s books, which i am enjoying so much that i’m advertising them every chance i get.) i think that a lot of the urges to use and/or handle chemicals were triggered by them:

(**note, the OTHER incident i’m thinking of is: my decision to try to grow herbs inside the house MIGHT POSSIBLY have been ‘their idea’ instead of my own free will. that’s why i am suggesting that my contamination might have been the result of something they suggested for me to do. i know for certain that the plastic dental fillings were their idea… however, the mercury-silver amalgam filling that i had was bad enough that… it’s controversial whose ‘fault’ the plastic dental fillings were. i wrote that story on my other blog: long story short, i had one metallic filling, and wanted to get rid of it, for years. but i hesitated, because during my research i saw that ALL the alternative types of fillings WERE ALSO dangerous in different ways, so i felt safer keeping it the way i had it. but the summer of 2008, ‘THEY,’ and it was *definitely* their idea, ‘they’ decided that i would just ‘leap without looking’ and switch the filling to plastic, even though i had hesitated and wasn’t sure whether that was safe/effective/durable enough. meanwhile, the dentist told me i had a new cavity on another tooth, so i ended up with two plastic fillings; the result? months of extremely severe fibrocystic breast pain, which began THE VERY DAY AFTER i got the plastic fillings. bisphenol-a, a type of xenoestrogen.**)

(*warning, this is a gross, medical, body-related topic*)

for instance, i sprayed the toilet seat with bleach because one morning, i woke up with mange on my butt (actually, i don’t think i woke up with it, i got it after going to the bathroom), which can ONLY happen if you sit down directly on a mange-infested toilet seat or car seat or some other chair, like the barstool when i went to the bar that one time (which i wrote on my retmeishka blog several months ago). it gives you mange on the underside of your back legs and your butt. i woke up one morning with mange on my butt and no explanation for how it got there. this is a big, obvious piece of evidence suggesting that either some outsider sat on my toilet, or else i was forced to go someplace with somebody while sleeping. so ‘they’ FREAKED OUT and forced me to get up and spray the toilet with bleach as soon as i recognized that my butt was itching with mange that nobody could account for. and as a result, my house is full of bleach/ammonia fumes. and this has directly led to the ruining and wasting of several months of my life as i have been incapacitated by various forms of indoor air pollution during a season when i cannot open the windows without freaking out the landlord.

(*it was kind of an accident. however, i would not have sprayed bleach on the toilet seat of my own free will. i would have probably wiped it off with something, or used some chemical other than bleach. it was my tilex or lysol or whatever, that stuff that is made for bathrooms, and it said it contained bleach. the ‘urge’ to go do that was a fake urge, and i knew that it was fake when it happened, and i remember being connected with ‘them’ whenever i was urged to go do that.*)

mange: you become accustomed to YOUR OWN mange, but highly allergic to OTHER PEOPLE’S mange. when i get mange from animals, it is very allergenic in the beginning, and i get big, obvious scratches on my butt, arms, shoulders, etc. i cannot wear the shared coat at work, or sit on the office chair at the desk in the back of the deli, or sit on any chairs in the break room, or any chairs anywhere, or bus seats, or bar stools, or restaurant chairs, without getting mange on my butt. for toilet seats, i put down toilet paper all over the seat first.

(*warning… more gross stuff about skin parasites!*)

but after the mange has been on you for a few days, you sort of scratch them off, and whatever remains, you tolerate. you do, literally, scratch them off your skin – they say that when people get scabies while they’re in a coma in a hospital, they don’t scratch, and the scabies gets really bad. if you can’t reach it or can’t scratch it, you can’t remove the mites. you do, successfully, remove the mites when you scratch and dig at them, but it damages the skin and causes scarring. I BELIEVE that the scarring and the skin damage is present BEFORE you scratch it off with your fingernails (i’m not sure of that, it’s only slightly damaged prior to scratching, and yeah, the scratch does cause more damage, but i’m saying, it’s okay to scratch, it’s necessary, it’s helpful, and it IS ABSOLUTELY *NOT* A DELUSION OR ‘BAD HABIT’ OR ‘SELF-DESTRUCTIVE/SELF-HARMING’ BEHAVIOR). people mistakenly believe ‘don’t scratch’ is good advice, because they think that scratching CAUSES the scarring and damage. but, the MITES THEMSELVES are digging tunnels, which causes damage and scarring. BEFORE you scratch. however, the pattern looks a little different – you will see more circuluar dots of ‘rash’ if you haven’t scratched it, but when you scratched it, you will leave a linear scrape in the direction that your fingernail was moving; however, this successfully digs the mites and the eggs out of the skin and drops them on the floor or wherever. it really does remove the mites, and scratching is necessary.

(*psychotronic harassment issue: every time there’s a REAL medical problem, i get psychotronics people who then try to demonstrate to me that ‘they’ are able to cause that same symptom by using their technology, such as itching: some TIs experience itching as one of their attacks. but it’s a mistake to think that ALL symptoms are nothing but criminal attacks. medical problems are REAL, and they exist WITH OR WITHOUT electronic harassment. medical problems are part of the ‘real world.’ just because someone CAN imitate a particular symptom, by using an electronic weapon, DOES NOT IMPLY that this symptom is ALWAYS caused by an attack. for instance, restless leg syndrome is real – it’s caused by eating certain foods such as wheat, dairy, salicylates in fruits and vegetables, or artificial flavors and colors. (see ‘feingold diet’ or ‘failsafe diet.’) but it is ALSO caused by criminal attacks, and it might also be caused by non-sentient, ambient, accidental electromagnetic fields that you’re hypersensitive to. there is a lot of overlap between real medical problems, and things that make you hypersensitive to anything at all, and criminal attacks which become more severe/less tolerable if you are already sick/sensitive/on drugs/off drugs/in withdrawal, etc. i can usually tell the difference between food-induced restless legs, versus assault-induced restless legs. it feels different and has a different pattern.*)

mange is real. dermatologists don’t know what it is, and don’t believe it exists. (they will call it ‘eczema’ or something, i know because i already went to the doctor about it years ago and they told me that it can’t possibly be scabies, because scabies only has a particular pattern – they say scabies only appears on the hands and fingers, or in a couple other specific places. well then, my answer is: so it’s SOME OTHER parasite instead of the typical scabies, but it is definitely a mange-like, scabies-like parasitic mite, which moves between humans and animals, and which survives on carpets and seats and toilets. animals show symptoms too: they started scratching whenever the big mange outbreak began in my town several years ago.)

i used to be fighting that taboo, except then i was distracted by other taboos that were more important (such as electronic mind control), so i stopped worrying about mange. plus, it got better when i stopped visiting eric’s house. eric had cats, and i love cats and i want to have them again someday, but you MUST vacuum the carpets and the furniture. and the cats need a way to remove mange without ivermectin, because ivermectin can kill you, and i had been planning to use it on myself, and i’m glad i didn’t. i used flea powder all over my carpet, and as a result, was poisoned, and had chronic fatigue for most of …. 2004? 2003? and couldn’t work. and i mean, extremely severe and totally incapacitating chronic fatigue.

snipe had mange really badly, and it was the typical, classic, obvious cat mange. a veterinarian would have been able to diagnose it and recognize it as mange. it was obvious. he had it all over his face and he was losing the fur, and it was bloody and scratched looking. snipe also had something wrong with his mouth, and had difficulty chewing, like there was a broken tooth or cavity.

and he also had greasy fur. greasy fur on cats (and dogs) is a sign of overall ill health. that’s why i’m interested in greasy hair on humans: it could be a symptom of malnutrition, such as not eating enough raw foods or raw fats, and eating the wrong kinds of fats, eating cooked fats, or something: there might actually be a reason why people have greasy hair. so, if you shampoo your hair, you might be hiding or removing a symptom that provides you with important information about your health. i don’t know for sure. greasy hair might just be inevitable for certain racial groups. according to what i’ve read, caucasians and some other groups, like mediterraneans, get greasy faces and greasy hair, and africans don’t. africans could probably never wash their hair at all, and not notice a thing, partly because the natural afro texture (which i love) stands up instead of lying down flat. (i haven’t written much about this here, but i love racial and ethnic genetic variety, and i actively favor racial mixing.) i’m not sure of this, because it’s based on reading, instead of my own observations.

this whole topic came about because of the incident where i woke up and sat on the toilet and got mange from it, as though somebody else had been sitting on the toilet. it was a goldilocks moment. the three bears came home and said ‘somebody’s been sitting on my toilet.’ if only it were a humorous situation – but it isn’t, it’s an electronic mind control/stalking/house break-in incident. (at least, a *suspected* incident. i really did find it unusual to have such an intense allergic reaction to the mange on the toilet that morning, when it had been fine the night before, and i hadn’t noticed any scratching at all.)

(*apologies for mentioning goldilocks. ‘they’ put those kinds of images in people’s heads sometimes – or else they make you see offensive advertisements on tv or on the internet – and then they ‘button-push’ a fake ‘traumatized’ emotion/sensation to go along with it, trying (and failing) to connect the fake trauma with the images. if you figure out that the emotion is fake, you can teach yourself to disconnect the fake feelings from whatever they wanted to ‘trigger’ it with. you can at least try to – it’s hard to do sometimes. recognizing fake emotions as fake was helpful for me – i’m not the one who’s angry, it’s a fake feeling of rage/rape/violation/disgust/loathing/hatred, etc.*)

but the mange-from-somebody-else causes intense itching, whereas your own mange doesn’t. you don’t get horrible scratches from sitting on the toilet if you’re the only person who sat there.

so i woke up and complained about the mange, and whoever was listening to me, they freaked out, and forced me to go spray bleach on the toilet. i’m wondering if they freaked out merely because they enjoy the aesthetic beauty of the skin on my butt, and didn’t want me to get more of the horrible scars that i already have, or whether they freaked out because the mange on the toilet was an obvious piece of incriminating evidence that somebody was in my house. either way, the bleach on the toilet triggered the fumes. or it seems to have done that.

i still don’t completely understand the source of the fumes in the bathroom. it still seems to be a chemical mix, but it might even be rising up out of the drains, which isn’t supposed to happen, because they have a ‘u-bend’ for that reason, to prevent gases from rising up. maybe it could rise up from ABOVE the u-bend, instead of below.

whoaa…. holy crap, i was connected to the internet the whole time i was writing this!!! i thought i was offline. crap, i’ve been on for over an hour without surfing. oh well.

Trying to meet new people is torture!

March 11, 2009

I’m using a couple of dating websites to try to meet new people.  (Hey, this has a wordcount!  Wow!  You can tell I never actually use the wordpress text editor to type directly into.  I’m always excited about discovering new features.)  There are some reasons why I decided to do this.

I’ve decided that I want to have children before it’s too late.  For a while I didn’t want to, partly because of the electronic harassment.  I’m having a hard time writing, even right now, because they’re telling me word-for-word what to say, and I hate that.  (This is why I always emphasize ‘Puppets, not perps,’ as my explanation for why people seem to do or say things that are directed at you personally – they control people like puppets and put words in their mouth, and I know they do it to me.)

Anyway I thought that I could not bear to have children in a world of electronic mind control.  I know to expect that the children will be manipulated and attacked while they’re in the womb, from the instant they’re conceived, and they’ll have nightmares, and everything will happen to them that has happened to me – I’ve read that other people see it happening to their children.

But I decided that I want to have children anyway.  I don’t want to miss the opportunity and then regret it at the end of my life.   And I believe in the ‘rightness’ of having children, ever since I read a book by Julian Simon a few years ago that argued against the popular belief that ‘the world is overpopulated and you shouldn’t have children.’  And I believe a lot of things about how children should be born (natural childbirth, in a standing or squatting position chosen by the mother) and fed (extended breastfeeding, and then later, diets that avoid artificial colors, flavors, and preservatives, along with certain other chemicals and foods – like the Feingold Diet) and how they should be educated, and everything.  I have all these opinions about how things should be done, but for a long time, I wouldn’t consider myself as being able to have children.  Instead I looked at it as ‘This is what I believe OTHER people should be doing.’

I have to find someone who will tolerate, or agree with, my unusual beliefs and practices.  We have to agree on how to raise the children.  That’s already hard enough, but also, I have some anxiety about marrying only one man, and have been wondering about polyandry.  There is a reason for this.  The economy is very unreliable and unstable – businesses go bankrupt, people get laid off again and again.  Nobody can hold a job for more than a couple of years.  It isn’t stable enough to just get a husband who will go out and work for a long time and make enough money to raise our children for several decades without getting laid off.

So I think about the idea of having more than one husband, something kind of like an income-sharing community, which I’ve been reading about in Diana Leafe Christian’s books.  And that makes it even less likely that I would find a husband – he would have to tolerate the presence of  ‘other husbands’ in the house – and probably not many people would tolerate that.

The polyandry arrangement couldn’t be a legal marriage – it would have to be something informal.

I am seeing Peter, who is married and has one child.  He is sick enough that he probably won’t live long enough to be a father to any more children.  He’s on dialysis, and he’s going to live for a while, but probably not for two decades (which is my time estimate for how long we will need to raise the children enough that they can live independently).   Plus, I don’t want to marry him – we disagree about a lot of very important things.  I would love to give Peter another child, if only because I know the child would be beautiful and intelligent, and everything that I find attractive about Peter I expect would be handed down.  But that’s not enough of a good reason to have a child with someone – I need to be sure that the child will grow up with a father.

This is now going to be a bunch of venting and griping.  I hate trying to use dating websites.  People write these uninformative, boring, meaningless, trivial, two-line profiles that tell me nothing about them whatsoever.  The only people who write anything useful at all are computer programmers, and there seem to be thousands of computer programmers who use dating websites.  Computer programmers are all well and good, and I can be friends with them, and I have a lot in common with them, but I am not necessarily looking for that particular personality type to be my husband.  But they’re all over the dating websites and they’re the only ones who can type more than two sentences in their profiles.  So if you ever need to find a programmer, you know where to look.

So I have to somehow look for somebody who seems interesting.  And all their profiles look the same – clueless, innocent, normal people who have no concept of the world that I live in, with my electronic harassment and mind control, my chemical sensitivities, my grooming experiments and my fascination with long hair, my countercultural beliefs and practices.  All of the people are normal, clueless, and boring.

People are emailing me even though I wrote a lot of really scary stuff in my profile.  I told the truth about everything with an emphasis on all the really negative things that we have to accept in order to work together.  When they email me and say things like ‘We have a lot of common interests,’ I’m like, ‘What profile are you reading?’  I don’t see a single common interest among the interests that they listed (football!  baseball!  outdoors!  weight lifting!) and my list of interests.  And they don’t mention anything at all about the strangeness of all the stuff that I wrote, or their thoughts about it, or any reaction to it at all.  They just ignore it!

I try to write back to some of these people.  I also try to proactively go out and look at other people who I might want to initiate contact with.  All the profiles look boring and meaningless.  When I write back, there is absolutely nothing to talk about.  They don’t show a single sign of intelligence or comprehension about anything at all.

And meanwhile, I am still trying to straighten out what happened with Martin.  I haven’t told the entire Martin story yet.  It’s only on retmeishka and not on my ‘public’ blog, because he and I work together, and I don’t want to call too much attention to it.  But it’s torture trying to meet new people whenever this thing happened with Martin, when my heart has recently been broken, when I am afraid that the same thing could happen again, when I still haven’t disconnected from him.  I was trying to reply to someone’s email at the dating site, and I felt like I was going to start crying.  All of my body was screaming ‘no! no! i don’t want to!’  I don’t want to expend effort to meet these boring people who aren’t what I want!  I don’t want this duty of artificially meeting them and trying to make conversation with them when there’s nothing to talk about.

Here is the Long Story Short version of what happened with Martin.

Actually, I doubt that I will be able to make the long story short.

Spring, 2008 – ‘They,’ the voices, called my attention to Martin.

And yes, I usually avoid talking directly about sexual topics, but this is my ‘private’ blog so it doesn’t really matter here.  ‘They’ are always involved with sexual arousal and sexual fantasies, but it doesn’t usually cause much distress or anger, unless I am using my antidepressant (St. John’s Wort) and am going into withdrawal from it, or having side effects from it – the sjw intensifies harassment and negative emotions, and makes me get angrier when they interact with me.  I still do use it sometimes because it is enormously helpful in getting household chores or projects done, or doing anything challenging at all, anything that requires prolonged effort or planning or thinking.  But I always know to watch out for conflicts with ‘them’ getting worse when I have been using the drug.

Well, last spring, during one of the incidents of arousal/fantasies, they were showing me all of my co-workers and asking me which ones I found attractive, asking me which people I could imagine having sex with.  So they emphasized him, called attention to him, and asked me if I found him attractive, and asked me a lot of questions about him.

He and I had had a few brief interactions and conversations but didn’t know each other or talk outside of work.  But I was attracted to him and saw him as ‘my type.’

There were a couple of puppet incidents where it seemed like they forced him to do or say certain things to me, and I decided that he was innocent and that he didn’t understand what he was saying or doing.  I see that happening all the time and I use the ‘puppets, not perps’ interpretation of the events that happen.

Anyway, they continued asking me questions about him, and focusing my attention on him.  And one day, I was feeling moody enough to have a bout of crying.  I might have had PMS (they call it PMDD or something nowadays) or I might have been in withdrawal from my sjw, but for whatever reason, I really needed to cry, and was able to.  I began crying about Martin.  I didn’t want to destroy him, I didn’t want to ruin him – I was sure that he was in danger if he and I became friends – I was sure that he was a healthy, innocent person who would become a victim of the electronic attacks if he and I became friends or had any contact with each other.  But I felt a sense of inevitability, that something was going to happen soon between us, that very soon we were going to connect with each other somehow, and I was terrified that he would be at risk because of interacting with me.

Well, it was an amusing incident where he made a joke about me, actually was kind of making fun of me, but not really – I called him on the phone, at work, to ask him a work-related question, and he joked to a co-worker that I was ‘talking dirty to him’ on the phone.  The co-worker told me what he said.  I thought it was funny, and he apologized to me –  but the result was that I gave him my phone number and asked him to call me at home.  This was the ‘we are inevitably going to connect with each other’ incident.

Then, ‘they’ got involved.  That is, they got involved more than they already had been.  I’m making a long story short, but there was an incident where I thought that I had been drugged by somebody while I was sleeping, because I woke up having strange drug side effects that were different from St. John’s Wort or any drug that was in my house.  I was then forced to write word-for-word an email to him where they sat there dictating exactly what I would say and how I would say it.  A lot of puppeteering incidents happened where I was forced to say or write certain things to him that I would not otherwise have said, things which were not natural for me to say or do.  So, they were very involved.

Very quickly, he stopped replying to my emails, and then told me that he had another girlfriend.  I was then forced to send him more emails every time I used my sjw, all summer while he was gone, when he went home from school.  I had to use my sjw to do my tasks and projects, and every time I used it, they took advantage of the drug making me more suggestible, and they would dictate word-for-word what I would say to him in emails, and they would wake me up every morning with some new thought or question that I absolutely had to ask him in another email – while I was no longer receiving any replies from him.  I no longer knew whether he was even getting my emails or not.

And I was terrified because they had done this exact same thing to me before, and it resulted in my getting convicted of harassment and thrown into a mental hospital, in 2003.  That was when the attacks began – 2003, during the harassment court case, when I finally became aware that I was being attacked, that it wasn’t just me, that I wasn’t just weird or clingy or neurotic, but instead, I was being forced, as a puppet, to chase after guys who wanted to avoid me, who would then accuse me of stalking and harassment.  So I was terrified that this would happen again.

Well, Martin came back from summer vacation and we began to pass each other at work again, but not say anything to each other.  I no longer knew if he was getting my emails, because I thought the hackers could be interfering.  I have known about computer hackers since 2000, when the problems first became very noticeable – it was 2000 when I became aware of the existence of hacking/cyberstalking/cyberharassment, and 2003 when I became aware of electronic mind control and nonlethal/electronic weapon attacks (and how the hacking and the weapons were connected – but aren’t always necessarily).

So right now I have just been trying to avoid Martin and not harass him and not contact him or send him any emails or do anything that would cause him to accuse me of harassment or stalking.  But I wanted to clarify whether or not he was actually receiving my emails, or whether some hacker interfered and prevented either his, or mine, from reaching the recipients.  So that is the question that I will be talking to him about next week whenever we talk to each other in person.  I only hope that he is able to speak to me for a few minutes and able to answer honestly.

But because of this, I am even more traumatized about trying to meet new people.  I know that if I tell them the truth, they will be freaked out, they won’t understand, they’ll avoid me, or whatever.  Or if we do connect and bond with each other, then we might not be able to communicate online because the hackers will screw up the emails, and maybe a really good relationship will be interfered with.

So on my profile I told all the scary information about how I experience electronic harassment and I hear voices, and I’m eccentric and unconventional in just about every way imaginable, and I have unusual countercultural beliefs and practices – and yet still, clueless people are emailing me and acting like this is a perfectly normal thing and there’s nothing to talk about, and like they didn’t even notice anything strange written on my profile.

So I have to reply to someone and feel like I am being tortured (emotionally) and need to cry and can’t bear to try meeting people again.  But I HAVE TO in order to accomplish the goal – I have set the goal for myself that by the end of this year, December 2009, I will have met somebody who I will accept as my future husband, someone willing and able to cooperate with me on raising children, someone who will stay with me for about two decades, which will be long enough to at least get the children through adolescence.

It hurts badly to try to disconnect from Martin and let him go.  And I didn’t even think that he was going to become my husband, or anything like that – I just felt very strongly attracted to him and wanted to be close to him, to be his friend, to touch him and hug him, but not necessarily to have a sexual relationship unless he wanted to – it wasn’t necessary.  I enjoyed our couple of telephone conversations, what little we had; I enjoyed our couple of emails before the emails were interrupted; I enjoyed being close to him for the couple of minutes of our few brief face-to-face conversations.  I loved the sound of his voice, I loved his style of thinking, I loved his expressions of feelings and emotions, and his observations about people – but again, I have so little to go on, so few real conversations, that it was only just a hunch or impression, and I didn’t get to learn enough about him or get to know him more realistically, to see what kind of person he really is, to be a friend at the very least even if we would not be ‘dating’ or having a sexual relationship.  I still feel strongly bonded to him and when I try to meet new people, I have to force myself to go against this feeling, this tearing apart of a connection.

A lot of it was probably fake – they put him into my mind every day.  I think that I would have been able to forget about him, if it had not been for the voices trying to make me write to him and talk to him every day all these months.  But now, it really is real – every time I see him, I feel pain because we have been separated and unable to talk and interact, when I so enjoyed being close to him during the brief times when we talked.  I just wanted to get used to him, see him as an ordinary person, a friend, instead of some exaggerated fantasy person or some idealized concept.

The boring new people who I try to meet just don’t catch my attention and they seem like they’re not worth getting to know.  I look at the profiles and their two or three lines of bland descriptions.  And even though I hardly got to write or talk with Martin at all, he still seemed interesting enough that I enjoyed his company.  I told him he seemed ‘interesting’ and that was all that I got the chance to tell him.  Maybe he would have seemed more normal or mundane if only we had spent more time talking to each other.  I would have been able to get a realistic feeling about him, instead of some exaggerated infatuation.  I didn’t even get the chance to do that, to take him for granted as a normal, mundane, real person instead of some fantasy person.

Well, I am looking forward to next week, when I will talk to him in person, at least briefly, and try to straighten out whether or not he actually received/sent any emails, or whether they got hacked and interfered with.  I need to know that, for future reference, and also I need to know it so that he and I can decide what to do with our friendship, our connection, whatever it is – although from HIS point of view, there might not be any friendship or connection at all.  I arranged with his friend to hand him a brief note that I have written, and she will, and I have the note, and just need to wait for him to come back from break.  I hope to get that settled enough that decisions can be made about what to do, and maybe we will ‘disconnect’ from each other enough that I can meet new people more easily, or else we will ‘reconnect’ and actually have a real friendship instead of this … this indescribable disaster that we have now.

loneliness and sickness today

March 5, 2009

i am feeling sick today, but for the past couple days, it’s been my stomach.  for whatever reason, i am focused on martin and i asked cait if i could (finally) give her another note to give to him.  i am keeping my distance because i don’t understand what it is that he is afraid of – i mean specifically.  when i feel sick, i am not as good at being quiet and avoiding him.

today … whoa, i’m writing this in the wordpress typing form itself and when i hit enter, it double-spaces my line.  i usually type up my blogs into my opera notes first instead of typing them directly into the wordpress form.  anyway, today i feel unbearably lonely and miserable.  it’s because i’m sick and i’m frustrated with being sick for so long – these past couple months it has been one thing after another.  today it is that type of loneliness where nothing feels like what i want to be doing, where it seems like nobody anywhere can possibly understand me.

i had the dating profile on POF and in the beginning, i had just barely even begun, and i just typed some sort of blah-blah-blah-i-need-to-fill-this-space-until-i-have-time-to-write-my-real-profile kind of thing.  that got the most results from clueless guys trying to contact me, when i hadn’t even uploaded a photo yet, and i hadn’t warned them about the fact that my life is not normal and that i am looking for someone who can understand and tolerate a lot of really strange and awful things.  after i finally wrote up the real profile, people immediately stopped contacting me, which was kind of the intention, but also, it kind of hurts at the same time.  it’s wishful thinking to imagine that people will actually keep trying to contact me after i have told them the truth in my profile.  the goal is that i myself am supposed to contact THEM, not just sit waiting for people to contact me.  but all the profiles that i have looked at are clueless people who write two lines of nothingness.  and the intelligent people are always far away in distant cities, and there’s only a small percentage of them.

darn it, that double space return key again.   anyway i can hardly even sit long enough to type a blog.  i will probably come back here and type another blog five minutes from now.  i’m very ADHD right now, partly because i’ve been drinking a lot of fruit juice, which is one of the things that my stomach is able to tolerate right now.

thought process

March 4, 2009

Here is the thought process I went through.

‘Your website has great content’; the commenter’s URL was something about starting your own business.  If I see ‘starting your own business’ I become suspicious right away.  I imagined that somebody just posts lots of comments on people’s blogs with a link back to their website as a way of advertising their website, but in reality, they don’t actually care about the blog entry they read.  That’s the ‘spam comment’ that I usually delete.  But I went through a big debate in my mind over whether I should just allow the spam comment because it was positive and neutral and general – in other words, it couldn’t do any harm.  I spent about five minutes struggling to decide whether to delete it and whether I might hurt somebody’s feelings because I deleted a comment that was actually real.  Afterwards, I had a bombardment from the voices who started role-playing some guy who was crying because I hurt his feelings by deleting his comment.  I can’t help actually believing those kinds of images, because it’s identical to something that I went through whenever I spent a long time trying to reach a guy who was deliberately ignoring me, and now the same kind of thing is happening with Martin, but I haven’t yet proven for sure that he’s actually ignoring me.  So I see myself in the position of the person whose comment got deleted and I feel sorry for him.  They think it’s funny that I actually believe it when they play those kinds of ‘jokes’ on me, pretending to be some guy who’s crying because he tried to say something nice about my blog and I deleted it.  When in reality it most likely was just somebody advertising instead of a relevant comment.  So it turned into this huge big deal.

oops, i deleted someone’s comment

March 4, 2009

I deleted a comment that was real, when I thought it was a spam comment.  Sorry about that.  I don’t recall exactly what it said, but it was basically that my website had good content.  I don’t get huge numbers of comments, so I don’t want to delete the nice ones that I get.

‘she feels the scans.’

March 3, 2009

‘she feels the scans,’ they said. i had been kissing peter, and we said, ‘no wonder she cannot feel love.’ every few seconds, i felt disturbed by a zap. my drugs – though i can’t control when i’m exposed to them – intensify electromagnetic sensitivity. whenever they merely ‘surveil’ me, when they merely ‘watch,’ i am being affected by disruption, discomfort, disturbance by the effect of whatever ACTIVE radiation is used for surveilling.

there is passive surveillance, where all you do is passively receive whatever is emitted by somebody, versus active surveillance, where you ‘shine a light’ of some kind on somebody.

active surveillance is disruptive and perceptible. most people don’t know what it is, but it DOES affect them. it causes constant, low-level discomfort and anxiety IN EVERYONE, but they don’t know how to interpret it. in other words, it’s wasteful – it causes ‘friction’ on everybody, wasting their energy, making them less calm, less at peace, always anxious, always tense. by destroying mental focus, it makes everybody everywhere less intelligent, less creative. it makes everyone less able to listen when somebody is speaking to them or expressing feelings. it makes them less close to everybody.

when i was with peter, i could not focus mentally enough to relax and enjoy being close to him, because some window-watcher was zapping me with surveillance scans, which interrupt and disturb my electromagnetic field. so no wonder i can’t enjoy intimacy. i am interrupted by a zap every couple seconds. it makes me angry to think of it.

people are watching, and they think that they’re invisible, unseen, unknown, and that i can’t detect them. but they are injuring me merely by ‘watching,’ because it is ACTIVE electromagnetic surveillance, not passive.

and we reminded them about the heisenberg uncertainty principle, and how this principle is analogous to my situation: whenever you ‘look at’ a small particle, you have to shine a light on it somehow – throw something at it – and see what happens when the light bounces back to you, so that you can gather the information that has changed – but in the process, you disrupt the particle you looked at, so that it no longer has the same energy, the same trajectory, as it had in the beginning. they say, you can’t know where it is right now, and also predict where it’s going in the future, because merely by ‘looking’ at it (using an ACTIVE process of some kind that ‘bounces something off it’) you alter its trajectory.

the pseudo-science people interpreted this as a spiritual metaphorical thing, and they now believe that all forms of either active or passive looking, including activities at the MACRO level, will influence whatever you are looking at or even thinking about. i haven’t seen the movie ‘what the bleep do we know?’ but from what i’ve heard about it, it reminds me of when people misinterpret ideas that were originally very specific and technical, and give them a metaphorical or spiritual meaning which is sometimes wrong. (sometimes the metaphors are accurate, but other times not.)

i’m telling you that at the MACRO level, if some guy were merely sitting outside the window, and content with just using his eyes or some binoculars to look at me, i wouldn’t be disturbed. that’s passive. it’s not going to do anything to my electromagnetic field. but somebody is out there using something technological to scan what’s going on in thorough detail in our bodies, under our clothing, whatever. and it’s THAT which causes a detectible, disturbing zap. it DOES interact with a human being’s electromagnetic field at the macro level.

maybe a long time ago, before radio was invented, before the world was full of ambient noise, maybe it really was possible for humans and animals to sit quietly and ‘get the feeling they’re being watched.’ maybe we were hypersensitive enough to detect the emf of another living creature nearby. since i wasn’t alive hundreds or thousands of years ago to find out, i can’t know whether or not that’s possible, in a noiseless, radio-silent world. maybe it’s still possible nowadays, i don’t know – people still say they experience it. i don’t know the process involved. it’s been a long time since i experienced that sensation, but i remember it once or twice when i was a little kid.