Archive for July, 2013

I might have ‘Indian food poisoning,’ or dental filling leakage

July 31, 2013

9:48 AM 7/31/2013

This came to me in a ‘flash of insight’ today, which means that the voices in my head told it to me. However, it makes sense, and I suspect it might be true.

I was having trouble with math this morning. I’ve had trouble with math several times recently, just a strange unexplained confusion, where I do things wrong and can’t understand what I’m doing wrong, and I’m helpless to fix it.

I’ve also been having that unexplained bad mood. It is not like me to get really depressed.

Also, I’ve been having more trouble writing than usual, skipping words a lot. This is because I am being attacked, which periodically interrupts my brain; however, when my brain is functioning properly, I catch the mistakes before they happen. Lately, I haven’t been catching the mistakes. The attacks do always interfere with my brain functioning, and they prevent me from using my brain optimally, but I can usually compensate for them enough so that it’s not outwardly obvious that I’m having interference. I just always perform far below my potential.

I had noticed several times that when I ate at this one particular Indian restaurant, the guy at the cash register had a lot of trouble counting the change. I think he’s shorted me on my change a couple times, but I almost shorted him a dollar by accident the other day and he didn’t notice till I pointed it out to him. He’s having the same number confusion, especially with counting money.

We have this new kid who happens to be Indian, and he can’t count change, and he is doing lots of simple things wrong, and not just a little bit wrong, but totally and completely in another universe wrong. When they had him counting change, he would just keep giving more change out than was needed, and the counting would just make no sense at all.

I don’t know what it could be in this Indian food from this restaurant. I don’t eat the rice, but I will eat it if it’s in the rice pudding stuff, that rice with milk. I can’t stand rice anyway – I hate it – and when I have leftover food, if I dump out the rice on the ground for the animals to eat, they won’t touch it. It sits there on the ground for weeks and it just rots. It’s garbage to the animals and insects as much as it is to me. The only time I like rice is if it’s a different kind of rice, like the fragrant basmati or jasmine rice, and then, I only like a little bit of it, not the whole gallon of rice that you get with every meal at Indian or Chinese restaurants. I really, really hate rice.

I’ve been reading that rice is contaminated with lead. I could be getting lead poisoning from the small amounts of rice that I’ve been eating.

Alternatively, I could be getting some kind of drug effect from one of the herbs and spices. Herbs and spices are all medicinal. Fenugreek is so toxic that I had an extremely strong reaction just from touching and handling a bottle of it at the grocery store. It causes lactation (if taken in a large enough dose) – breast milk – and intense sexual arousal, along with intense nausea and suicidal feelings. I think fenugreek is too dangerous to be used as a food spice. Fenugreek is such a strong inducer of lactation that it can even be used for MEN to breastfeed. (You can google ‘male breastfeeding’ on the internet. It exists. Or ‘induced lactation.’)

I don’t know whether this particular food uses fenugreek, or what other spices it might use. Any of those spices or other ingredients could also be contaminated with lead or other heavy metals.

I’ve been eating at Indian buffet restaurants a lot lately, at least every week, and I’ve been having recurring symptoms a lot, the brain problems and the counting problems. I’ve been feeling ‘confunded’ (a magic spell to confuse you, in Harry Potter).

I also think my plastic dental fillings are leaking more than usual, because the teeth over there are decaying now, due to all my Coke drinking and excessive coffee drinking lately. Since the teeth have holes in them now, just small pores that are gradually developing, the plastic can leak out in more places.

Oops, no more time to write. I wanted to explain more about how it could be the fillings, but no time. The fillings need to be taken out.

The raw paleo diet religion

July 30, 2013

7:00 PM 7/30/2013

I’m getting something to eat before I go home.

The Raw Paleo diet is a religion. I’m not going to do a really deep critique of it. I just wanted to mention a few thoughts that I have.

People really do have serious chronic health problems that they are trying to fix by using special diets. Some diets are meant to give you more of something you need but aren’t getting enough of. Some diets are meant to stop giving you something harmful which might be causing your chronic health problems. Some diets are meant to give you very large amounts of something which maybe you don’t really ‘need,’ per se, but which supposedly have some kind of drug-like effect or other effect. They would not use the words ‘drug-like’ to describe what they are doing, because it’s usually framed as being all-natural and nourishing, and ‘drugs’ have a negative connotation.

Juicing is an example of a special dietary technique that gives you very large quantities of something which might have a drug-like effect. It supposedly gives you very large amounts of all the vitamins and minerals that are in fruits and vegetables, along with other beneficial chemicals like antioxidants (although some people debate whether they really are beneficial, or might even be harmful). It gives you a lot of the vitamins, more than the bare minimum that you need. It could possibly give you excessive amounts of vitamins, but vitamins in vegetables and fruits are less toxic than synthetic vitamins in pills. Or, they might be. I can’t even say that for certain. Are they? It also would give you large amounts of salicylates and other naturally occurring toxic chemicals, which some people do not have enough enzymes to break down. I personally react to large amounts of fruits and vegetables and juices, and I benefited from the Feingold Diet, which reduces the amount of fruits and vegetables that tend to cause reactions.

I actually would like to try juicing again in the future. I tried it, but, as I said, I had some problems with it and gave up. I would see whether it made me feel any better or not.

People who want to get more vitamins are not merely trying to get enough vitamins just because they think they need vitamins. They are usually doing it because they really do have some kind of health problem that they are trying to treat, like chronic fatigue.

Why the raw paleo diet?

Well, in recent years, more people have become aware that a lot of people react badly to milk and wheat and other grains. A diet without milk and wheat cures a lot of people’s chronic health problems. Some people started thinking about this and realizing that, in the far distant past, humans were living as hunter-gatherers, not farmers, and they did not have milk or wheat back then. They concluded that we might be healthier if we ate the way we did in the distant past because our bodies are not evolved to eat the foods that we are producing with agriculture.

Some people went even farther back and said that maybe we shouldn’t eat cooked foods, because cooking is a relatively recent invention too. We might get optimal nutrition and get the fewest toxins in our food if we ate everything raw like animals do. Most people can look at wild animals and notice that they run lightly up hills, they seem to have infinite energy, they never seem to tire, they never get fat, they don’t get diabetes or other chronic health problems. And this wasn’t just a line of abstract logic – there are actual scientific studies that describe some of the toxic chemicals produced by cooking.

So there are raw paleo diet forums on the web. I’m not just talking about the paleo diet in general (which includes some cooked foods), I’m talking about the RAW paleo diet. They are eating uncooked meat.

A few people on these forums mention incidents where they got parasites, but they talk about it as though it just happened through bad luck. I’ve only read a few, so this might not be true of them all. I even posted in one of these forums a couple times and got a bad feeling about it. I got this feeling that we’re just not supposed to talk about parasites. You deny that it happens, and if it does, it just happened, through sheer bad luck, and you look back on it like ‘Man, that time when such-and-such happened really sucked! I was sick as hell!’ You don’t try to troubleshoot it to figure out exactly why or how it happened. You don’t look for ways to avoid parasites in the future. You just accept the bad luck, like you got struck by lightning. If you talk too insistently about parasites and talk about it like it is a real danger, not something to just brush off, then you are definitely persona non grata. Caution is disvalued. You are just not supposed to be cautious.

Instead, they say that they had parasites back when they used to be on the vegan diets that they are recovering from. They talk about how parasites are in the soil and they get on your vegetables. This is actually true – parasites are in the soil. I know that I got encephalitis symptoms from eating an undercooked earthworm. However, parasites are also in meat!

I do not like to do something extremely risky and talk about it with a group of people who disvalue appropriate caution and aren’t interested in talking about symptoms.

There is a guy who calls himself ‘Tyler Durden.’ Immediately, I distrust him because of his name. Tyler Durden was a guy who caused chaos and mayhem and dragged unwitting, unwilling victims into his scheme, the general public. Go out and make people angry, make them hate you, make them want to kill you, make them want to fight you – and they’ll join your team. That was the Fight Club concept.

Tyler Durden is either the moderator/owner of one forum, or else just a frequent poster – I forget which. I can’t even read his posts without getting angry. He says that he dismisses a large percentage (I forget how many) of parasite claims. What does he mean by not believing them? Does he mean that people are just imagining their parasites?

I think that people are capable of feeling things that are really there, and that you should pay attention to your symptoms and trust them. I don’t believe in the placebo effect and I don’t believe in the power of the imagination to cause symptoms, ESPECIALLY when there is real reason to believe that the parasites are actually there. You ate raw meat, but you’re only *imagining* that you got parasites from it? It is well known that parasites actually do live in raw meat. Why would you assume, by default, that they’re just imagining their parasites?

So if I go to any forums to talk about a cautious approach to testing the raw paleo diet, I wouldn’t want to go to that particular forum. It’s a cult of personality. You have to agree with everything Tyler Durden says, or else you are totally wrong. Parasites don’t happen. You’re just imagining it. There is no danger to this diet.

I looked into this again recently because I saw the recipe for raw pemmican. I do indeed want to try it that way. And cows are generally accepted (by the Jewish dietary rules) as one of the safer animals to eat. Pigs are not kosher, probably because they are omnivores and tend to pick up trichinella parasites, which can be deadly. Cows pick up some parasites too, but not as many deadly ones.

I was reading about the guy who posted the recipe for the raw pemmican. I saw something that bothered me, but I’m struggling to remember exactly what it was. I think I might have read on a blog somewhere, maybe on his page, maybe elsewhere, maybe on another blog that linked to his page, somewhere, something about why people have trouble adjusting to the raw paleo diet. Always, always, always, always, they say that the reason people have trouble with this diet is because ‘they’re not accustomed to the taste.’

That is extremely stupid. That is NOT the only reason or the #1 reason. Getting a deadly or life-threatening case of parasites is the reason why people have trouble with this diet. Many people who try the raw paleo diet are not those kinds of closed-minded wimps who are only capable of eating the exact same familiar foods that they’ve eaten their entire lives. There are lots of adventurous people out there who *love* to learn how to eat new and unfamiliar foods, tastes, and textures, and I am one of them. I am most certainly not having a problem with the raw paleo diet due to the unfamiliarity of its tastes and textures. But that is INVARIABLY the reason cited for why people might have trouble with the raw paleo diet. It’ll be in the Top Ten Faqs about the diet, that type of thing – ten things that are the hardest about adapting to the raw paleo diet. ‘Adjusting to unfamiliar tastes and textures’ is always mentioned, but never ‘I nearly died and I went to the hospital because I got trichinellosis from eating raw meat.’ That just doesn’t exist.

You have to acknowledge the reality of the fact that meat is a ‘medicinal’ food. Chinese medicine uses various organs as medicine, for instance. Every piece of meat that you eat has drug-like medicinal properties. It contains chemicals, hormones, and unknown substances that resemble the chemicals in your own body, and so that meat is able to ‘push the buttons’ in your body the same way your own hormones do. If you just went and ate a thyroid gland, for instance, you would get a huge dose of thyroid hormones. And don’t tell me that the hormones get broken down in the stomach and you don’t absorb any. That’s BS. I’ve experienced it. It’s not merely ‘meat’ or ‘protein’ or ‘vitamins’ that you’re getting. You are getting every single chemical that exists in the body of a living creature.

I’m not talking about the manmade added hormones given to the animals by injection, or antibiotics, or chemicals in the food fed to the animals. I’m talking about the chemicals produced by the animals’ own bodies, naturally.

So why do you see so few discussions of people getting severely ill from eating bone marrow, for instance, as I did? I’ve searched and searched and can hardly find any references to this phenomenon at all, much less an exact explanation for why it happens. I can only make my own theories.

The people who eat these foods are lying about their experiences, hiding the bad parts, hiding the shame of their weaknesses and their failures when their body is ‘not tough enough to handle’ some food or virus or parasite that they ate, hiding the weakness of their logic that says that everything primitive is good for you, and ignoring their symptoms – so long as you’re not DEAD, it doesn’t matter if you experienced a bit of discomfort here and there.

The Weston Price diet religion is similar. I have learned an enormous amount of information from them, and I am extremely indebted to them. They permanently and profoundly changed my view of what causes deformities. Many types of deformities are caused by either prenatal malnutrition or prenatal drug/chemical exposures or both. You just need to figure out what those chemicals are. Weston Price did a good job of explaining what nutrition was needed to prevent the deformities, but he didn’t talk about how pesticides and antidepressants and other prescription drugs can cause deformities too.

Anyway, they deny that anything bad could result from eating cod liver oil, but I had horrible experiences with it, and I have read on various websites that fish oils can cause bleeding, including strokes, which matches my experiences with it – I had bruises all over my body from fish oil, and even mild stroke-like symptoms, such as weakness in one side of my body. They got all defensive because some famous scientist publicly denounced the use of cod liver oil and said it was too dangerous. They think that if one tiny piece of their religion is wrong, then someone is saying the whole thing is wrong. That’s not how it is. There can be some mistakes, but other parts of it are good. I agree with a large part of Weston Price and some of what the modern advocates say, but not every bit of it.

When I recently discovered that liver (cooked liver, or also raw liver? I don’t know) contains some opioid substances, I recognized something I had seen in a photograph on the Weston Price website. There was a photo of one of the Weston Price babies. They take photos of the children who are being raised on this diet, children whose mothers ate the diet while pregnant. They are successfully replicating WP’s results – even if the mothers had crooked teeth and small, deformed faces, their children have large, broad, perfect faces and straight teeth. It is not genetic. It is not inherited. It is preventable and controllable. That was the huge paradigm shift that I will always be grateful for, even though I criticize other aspects of this diet.

One of these children had a problem which I didn’t know the name of, but I just felt that something was wrong. There was a photo of a little girl, and the caption says she loves eating liver every day, or something like that. And this girl obviously had swollen, bleary eyes, a sign of food sensitivity. Why would she have a food sensitivity symptom when she was eating the Weston Price diet? When I found out about the opioids in liver, I realized that might be what it was. She might have opioid symptoms from the liver. Edema is one of the symptoms. I might find a link to the picture if it’s easy to find. …I can’t find it. Oh well, maybe some other time.

I’ll just post this for now. Sooner or later, I need to go home. I have to ride the bus. I don’t have my bike.

Anyway, people ignore their symptoms because they believe the diet absolutely has to be right. I want to avoid falling into that same trap. I want to admit that something is wrong, even if it causes me to question what I believe.

The deal: I must alter my entire life pathway in exchange for using his freezer.

July 30, 2013

5:10 PM 7/30/2013

I haven’t seen next week’s schedule yet – I don’t think it’s been done – but my manager told me that yes, it’s okay for me to get the week off that I wanted in August. During that week I will be doing my decon.

I’ve been using less caffeine for the past couple days, without quitting completely. I have been extremely exhausted, so badly that the caffeine just does nothing for me. I want to have enough energy to do the decon.

There is very little to do, actually. I have to move a couple bags of stuff to the new tent; I have to sort through what I’m keeping from my current tent; and I have to do a couple other various errands and stuff and buy just a couple things, but not much.

I asked my neighbor if he would let me use his freezer, but there is already a conflict. He said yes, but he wanted to make it a deal. I was planning on either paying him a small fee for it, or doing some kind of chores around the house or something, whatever he wanted. But no, it had to be a big, complicated, impossible string attached, instead of something simple that I could do – it had to be something that was directly in conflict with all of my values and all of my life plans at this moment, of course.

He said that in exchange for his letting me use his freezer, I must go with him to the guidance counselor at South Hills Business School. Let me explain why this is the Horror of Horrors.

First, am I just so stupid that it just didn’t occur to me in all this time that I might want to go back to school someday? Am I just so ignorant that I never even tried to do it, never even thought of it, never even considered South Hills, didn’t even know it existed? Or maybe, just maybe, there’s a reason *why* I’m not choosing to go to school right now. Is it just my apathy and short-sightedness?

I don’t want to spend the money on school. Yes, it is a community college, which is much cheaper, and if I do go to school again, yes, it will be just a small community college or vo-tech school. But even so, it costs money, and I need my money for other things right now.

I don’t believe in taking government money, so if there is some kind of government ‘financial aid,’ I don’t want it. Does he think that I am just so financially helpless that I *didn’t know* that I could get financial aid of some sort to go back to school, and that’s why I’m not currently doing it? Am I really that stupid and ignorant? Did I just ‘not know’ that I could go thousands of dollars in debt by borrowing the money from someone?

This kind of thing is the reason why I never ask anyone to help me. People won’t just help you in exchange for something small and simple like chores or money. Instead, they want to *get involved* in your life, change your pathway, make you do something that you didn’t want to do, make you conform to their values and their plans for you.

He says that he can tell that I’m intelligent, and therefore, I’d be good at school. Well, duh, I already know this. I already know that I am, indeed, very good at school. Does he think that this just didn’t occur to me to realize that I’m really smart and I could be good at school if I went? Or did I need somebody else to tell me that?

So, I need to talk to him again, but not on the phone. I need to see him in person. I will probably just call him tonight on the phone anyway. I don’t like talking to him on the phone, because he’s hard of hearing, and talks slowly, and he used up all my cell phone minutes in one big huge phone call the last time I talked to him, when I first called him to ask about using his freezer.

By the way, socionically, I’m pretty sure he is an ILI. He’s an entomologist and a former university professor – he’s quite old now. He is overweight and has some hip problems and has trouble going up and down stairs. So I thought I might be able to help him around the house with practical things. But no, I have to change the course of my entire life in exchange for using his freezer. Uh-uh.

However, I told him ‘yes’ just to humor him, because we were standing in front of his door, and he was just about to show me the freezer that I would be using, and when every discussion takes 10 minutes, I don’t want to waste time arguing about something before we’ve even walked in the door to see the freezer. So I told him I’d go see that guidance counselor. Being in a pressure situation, I was not able to strongly realize that I had to say ‘no’ right now. I just wasn’t sure what the consequences would be or how I would feel about it later, and I couldn’t predict it that quickly while standing in front of his door on the way to go look at this freezer.

I’d be better off just going to the people across the street, the other neighbors, and asking them if I can borrow space in their freezer.

There are a million reasons why I don’t want to go to school right now. I’d rather school myself with books at little or no cost first, before getting a diploma anywhere. I can get books for free at the library, or buy books elsewhere, and it’s much cheaper than going to a school. I can buy my own school-like textbooks, read them myself, and follow the instructions, and do the exercises. Yes, there are benefits from interacting with a teacher, who often has knowledge that you don’t see in the books, but I can do that later, and just use the books now.

I absolutely love the Schaum’s Outlines, and would use them again for more studies in the future. That’s the first thing I was planning to do. I haven’t been buying books because of the decon. That’s the reason why I haven’t already started doing this yet. It isn’t because I’m just too stupid, ignorant, apathetic, or lacking goals that it just doesn’t occur to me to educate myself.

The lady from South Hills already called me and left a message on my phone. I saw him driving his truck on the way to South Hills.   He was on his way to go talk to this lady, because they know each other, and he wanted to sort of vouch for me personally.  I was waiting for the bus on the road that just happens to go to that school, because I had dropped off my little craft oven at Goodwill and went to Weis to get food from the salad bar.

If I ever drive around my infant in a bicycle trailer, I’d want to put the trailer in front, not in the back. (*Edit: I’m sitting outside watching people going by on the road and the sidewalk.  That’s where this came from.*)  It’s hard to explain without using diagrams and vectors and stuff, but for some complicated reason, due to some laws of physics, it’s easier to push something up a hill than it is to pull it. If you put all your heavy loads on the front of the bike, in a basket or on a front rack, it’s much easier than dragging them behind you or using a back rack. I observed this by myself, when I noticed that it was much harder to ride my bike while wearing a big, heavy backpack, but if I took off the backpack and put it into my front basket, it suddenly became amazingly easy to ride the bike. Then, I looked it up online, and it turns out that some other guy has already observed this and has done some testing to estimate how you should distribute your loads on a bicycle to optimize the ease of riding it, and he discovered that yes, putting as much on the front as you can is a good thing. But if I had a trailer for my baby in front of my bike, I’d have to rig up some way of steering it.

I should use a Chinese Sailing Wheelbarrow. This was something I found on a page where ‘one link led to another.’ They had wheelbarrows with a different design from the European ones. Their wheelbarrows had just one huge wheel in the middle, with the load balanced to the front and back of that wheel, and some of them had a sail, just like a sailboat, which helped push the wheelbarrow along. You could carry amazingly huge loads on those wheelbarrows.

“How to downsize a transport network: the Chinese wheelbarrow”

In fact, that blog looks so interesting, I should read it a lot more often. I only read it that once.

I’ll go ahead and post this soon, but first, I wanted to do my pepper-upper routine. When I’m in caffeine withdrawal, and also, lately, in general, I’ve been feeling hopeless. It’s especially frustrating when I lose a lot of money by staying in the hotel.

I’ve used caffeine today, just slightly less than usual – two cups of black decaf coffee, and one bottle of Coke later (20 oz). I often drink a bunch (maybe five or more?) cups of double espresso when I’m working at McD, in addition to several cups of regular coffee and several large cups of Coke – the large McD cups. This is chronic fatigue syndrome for you. That’s in addition to the times when I’m taking Vivarin caffeine pills. It is a ridiculously huge amount of caffeine.

So, this tiresome routine that I must do. Reasons for hope. Every year, I lose the time. The year goes by, the seasons go by, and another year of my life is torn away. What are the reasons for hope, when so much of my time is spent suffering and failing again and again, and struggling for so long to achieve almost nothing? Why is this time any different from all those failures in the past?

Well, my decontaminations have been effective. They’ve just been incomplete. Every time I do one, the contamination level drops drastically, and the contamination that leaves is gone forever. Every time I’ve moved out of an apartment to live someplace clean, every time I’ve gotten rid of my belongings, every time I’ve gotten rid of my car (which could only happen once, but still), I’ve made drastic reductions and my manic reactions have been greatly decreased. I am *nowhere near* as crazy and manic as I used to be two, or three, or four years ago during the worst of the contamination. Even when I do have manic attacks and outbreaks of drug residues, they are mild compared to the past.

Wow! I’m sorry, but I’m still seeing that blog open in my browser behind this page. That’s yet another reason for hope, although it’s mostly irrelevant to me personally – but not! I need this stuff. I’m seeing the one that talks about using ropes and pulleys to transmit energy over short distances. This is fascinating. I *LOVE* *LOVE* *LOVE* low-tech solutions!!!

So, an irrelevant reason for hope.

But anyway. I will further decrease my contamination with this upcoming cleanup, and after that, I will be able to invest in infrastructure that will make my life easier. That means, for instance, I might finally buy a motorized bike that I’ve been thinking about for ages now. And other little things.

There. I’ve added that blog to my RSS feed. Yay, now I’ll be reminded to look at it. Low tech rules!

Maybe that’s the type of infrastructure that I’ll be investing in, in the future.

I need some reasons for hope with regard to my money.

If I get pemmican and start eating it, if I can eat it without getting sick or having unwanted symptoms, then it will help me avoid eating fast food and avoid spending money on food. If I have to, I’ll use someone else’s freezer. Ideally, I’d like to make my own pemmican, because you can’t buy the kind that I want. That can wait. I’ll start with this stuff just for the transition. That might help with my money.

If I get a motorized bike, I won’t be tired out from bike riding anymore. That means that I might be able to go home on the nights when I am sick and don’t want to ride my bike home from work. I might have a better ability to resist going to the hotel. Or, I could ride the bike into town and go to a different, less expensive hotel, which is too far away to get to when I’m sick.

I investigated the homeless shelter, and they said that you can’t just drop in spontaneously and sleep there. You have to get into their program, which means, you have to start looking for a place to live, in government subsidized housing, and that kind of thing. There are *always* strings attached when you ask for help, and it’s easy to throw around money that isn’t yours. They all want to use some kind of government money to help you. Darn, I still need to talk to the neighbor guy about this.

But I could get to the cheaper hotel when I was sick, if I were riding a motorized bike. Then I would spend less money on the hotel on the occasions when I went there.

I also *might* be able to ask more people for help, after my decon. I can’t ask for help when I’m manic, because that leads to unwanted social connections that have to be cut off later on. When I’m manic, I’m all super-super-friendly!!! and everyone loves me, and so I end up with random strangers and guys who want to have sex with me and every bizarre thing imaginable. When I’m no longer manic, I might possibly be able to have just a few, carefully restrained social connections where the rules and boundaries are very clear. That way, I might be able to get help from people who don’t want to change me in the wrong ways.

I really, really need this. It’s not that I don’t need help or don’t want help. I just don’t want to get help from people who want to change my life the wrong way in return for their favors. And I also don’t want help from people who are just… I don’t know how to explain it. People who don’t seem to want *anything at all* in return, except for my wonderful company and my fascinating conversation. I am not really that entertaining to be around, and I am not sociable, and if you let me live in your house as a favor, for free, all I want to do is go directly to my bedroom, slam the door, block everyone out, and avoid you. I am not a pleasant person to live with in terms of being a fun party girl who will keep you company. I’m thinking of one example of a lady from the church that I was briefly going to (during a manic attack in the winter), who offered to let me sleep at her house sometimes if I wanted to. In exchange for what? Nothing. I’m just so cool and so awesome that she loves my company, apparently – so, what I have to give her in exchange is my wonderful company.

I’m reading a book by Jared Diamond called ‘The World Until Yesterday,’ and I can relate to almost everything that he says about the primitive people. (I’m getting the impression that he must have talked to a whole lot of SLI types, because he’s an IEE, and so he thinks that everything a SLI does, thinks, and values is representative of all primitive people.) They said that they don’t want to socialize with people just for the heck of it – that’s a waste of time. They have to do something productive while socializing, or the person must have some kind of a job to give them, otherwise it’s not worth doing. I feel exactly that way, and I’m not primitive. I always feel impatient when people just want to sit around and talk, or sit around and ‘have fun.’ I want to *do* something productive. If you are not helping me do something, or if I am not helping you do something, then it’s a waste of time for us to sit around chit-chatting.

Anyway, I desperately need help in all sorts of ways, I just don’t know how to find the right people who are able to help me in the right ways without wanting to ‘socialize’ with me, change my life path to some direction that I don’t want to go, or have sex with me. I just want us to do some kind of work together. I help you and you help me, or one of us pays money to the other.

Hopefully, after my decon, I will be consistently less manic for longer periods of time. The manias will be mild and infrequent. That will enable me to use social connections to help myself somehow, with very strict boundaries and clear rules on how exactly the relationships will be. No more unsustainable manic projects where I attempt to become a prostitute.

So, that was in the ‘reasons for hope’ theme. There are some things that I will be able to do when my manias have been greatly reduced, and I will be able to socialize in ways that will help me so that I can make progress faster and go the ways I want to go.

I’ll go ahead and post this. I don’t know what else I will do today. I’m caffeinated, and it will be hard to sleep tonight. But next week should be my vacation. Ugh…. I should try to call the neighbor guy and talk about the school first. I wanted to order the pemmican, but I will have to postpone it if he’s really got his heart set on forcing me to go to school right this very instant, in exchange for using his freezer. And he thinks he’s being nice! He thinks he’s being really super nice by doing this to me, and he thinks he’s being ingenious by thinking of some outside-the-box solution for a deal – instead of just doing something ordinary like paying him a small fee or doing some chores, nooooooo – he’s got to think outside the box and decide that I’m going to go to school in return for his favor. I’m sorry, but this is unacceptable, and I have to talk to him about it, whether I like it or not.

Hairs in food come from clothing, not from your head

July 28, 2013

Hairs in food do not just jump off your head. They come from your clothing. They stick to your clothing if you brush or comb your hair with your clothes on, and if you don’t roll a lint roller over yourself afterwards. I always try to use a lint roller on my McD uniform.

We’re required to wear hats to placate the customers and the government regulators and whoever else, but in reality, hats are useless if you brushed your hair and have dozens of pieces of hair clinging to your shoulders and dangling off your sleeves. You can wear a hat with every single hair tucked under the hat but still get hairs in the food when your sleeve hangs over a piece of food and a sleeve hair catches in it.


July 28, 2013

I just found a hair in my food, and while I was pulling it out, I found ANOTHER hair below it. It was a medium length straight brown hair.

I’m going to keep eating, but I don’t want to swallow hair. If it gets tangled in my throat, I might gag.

Dairy addiction experiment

July 28, 2013

11:53 AM 7/28/2013

I don’t have a lot of time to write at this moment, because I’m about to go to work. I’m at the Lemont Cafe. I’m having a cup of black decaf coffee. I’m going to do a brief experiment with quitting dairy products. I know from past experience that they are addictive, and I read recently that the addiction is real and that it uses the opium receptors. There is a chemical called casomorphin, which is a partially digested milk protein which can enter the bloodstream and get into the brain. Oops, I just realized I ordered a sandwich that has cream cheese on it. Well, okay, then, the dairy project will start with the *next* meal that I eat. (Anytime I do a dietary experiment, there’s some kind of ‘oops’ every once in a while in the very beginning, but then it’s easy to remember not to eat the particular food after that.)

Cheese is literally addictive, and people who quit cheese have an even harder withdrawal than people who quit other dairy products. For whatever reason, as a result of the cheese making process, there is more of the addictive protein in cheese.

I know that I’m addicted to dairy products. If I don’t drink some kind of cream a couple times a day, I get intense cravings. However, I also get sick of eating just plain meat. I’m thinking about a dietary experiment but it hasn’t officially started yet. I was thinking of quitting bread and quitting dairy at the same time, and finding alternatives in the fast food restaurants. It will be very hard to do.

I have a *great* article on how to make pemmican.

Wow, that was nice of them – they put three slender little freshly picked green beans on my plate along with the sandwich! They’re raw. I’ve eaten raw green beans before. I like them. I assume these are freshly picked – why wouldn’t they be? This is Lemont. All they have to do is go out in their backyard and pick some beans. Maybe they’re not freshly picked, I can’t tell, but they’re nice.


I would like to try this, using grassfed beef.

I don’t have a lot of time to write, so I’ll post this.

The Pemmican Project has begun!

July 25, 2013

10:52 AM 7/25/2013

Today I am starting The Pemmican Project.

I am going to talk to a couple of neighbors to find out whether they would let me keep some pemmican in their freezers. I am going to order it from US Wellness Meats, otherwise known as Grassland Beef (I’m not clear on whether these are two different corporations or not, or whether ‘grassland beef’ is a corporation name or just a generic object). These cows are free-roaming, grass-grazing, antibiotic-free animals.

The reason why this project is difficult is because there is a minimum order amount from the online store. I would have to get at least four pails of two pounds each, or else, a whole bunch of individually packaged bars. The pemmican is not completely shelf-stable. In the long run, it has to be kept frozen. However, you can keep small amounts of it out at room temperature and eat them within about ten days. So it is kind of, partially shelf-stablish in the short term.

I am always eating a million Slim Jims. They are disgusting. They contains tons of MSG and other chemicals and come from (probably?) factory farm cows. But I get them because they contain a lot of saturated animal fat, which I desperately need and can’t find easily at fast food restaurants (what? yes, it’s true, if you are deliberately seeking saturated animal fat, you discover that there isn’t very much of it available in fast food at all – it’s all this partially hydrogenated soybean oil, and that kind of thing). The Slim Jims cost a lot, are not nourishing, are filled with chemicals, and a box of them is gone in a couple days if I eat as many as I want. I usually save them for when I’m in the tent and starving and have nothing else to eat.

The pemmican would be different. I would be more willing to eat more of it and rely on it as a staple food. I would spend less money at restaurants and less on fast food. I would get more of whatever mysterious magical substances there are in grassfed free-roaming beef. (There are lots of things in there, some of which we know about, and some of which we don’t know about, and some of which are intangible, such as ‘the comfort of the animals during their lifetime.’)

This project will make my life easier in many ways. I have been thinking of this for a long time, but all of a sudden, for whatever reason, it suddenly became time to do it for real.

Also, it’s getting cold again! The last couple nights have been chilly. It will soon be winter again, and when it’s cold outside and I’m wrapped in a dozen layers of clothing and riding my bike and sleeping in a tent, I need all the saturated animal fat that I can get. Pemmican is what people ate when they were canoeing through Canada to trade furs from the Native Americans. Theirs was shelf-stable, but still.

The only reason this stuff isn’t shelf-stable is because they don’t have the right kind of grinder to grind up the totally dry meat, and also, because they have found that people prefer the softer texture anyway. I could make my own pemmican, but that would be easier if I had a house and freezer and all those conveniences which I don’t have right now. That might be a future project. The point is that it *can* be made shelf-stable so that it doesn’t require refrigeration, and that is the most important and useful aspect of it. I always want to know how to keep food at room temperature – this is very important to me, and it would be important to many environmentalists too, if they want to use less electricity or live off-the-grid. I think we should eat more foods that don’t require refrigeration.

I am very happy about this project and I hope it works out and I hope it helps me.

(I never could find the fallen tree. There were several trees that it could have been, and I couldn’t tell which one it was.)

project failed

July 23, 2013

I don’t feel like writing much now, but basically, I gave up. It was too hard to do and I ran out of energy. I’m sleeping in the hotel tonight because I feel sick. It will be all right. As long as I’m working more hours at McD and as long as I don’t stay in the hotel very often, I will still be able to save money. I’m staying here tonight because of a feeling of nausea and miserable despair that just won’t lift. I don’t know exactly what’s wrong with me except that I seem to be sick. So I’m staying here to feel better.

I was having a nightmare while I was awake.

July 23, 2013

The reason why that previous post was called ‘more details about the nightmare’ was because I tried to post this, but for some reason, it never appeared.  This one was supposed to come first.  This is the nightmare I was referring to.


10:56 AM 7/23/2013

I hesitate to write about this because I don’t wany anyone to worry about me, but I will. I felt that I was not safe last night, and I went to the hotel. But today I am going to do something that will make me feel more safe.

This was like having a nightmare while awake.

It started pouring rain again yesterday, and when it rains, the trees fall. It was raining a lot for a long period of time – it seemed like weeks – not too long ago. During that time I heard many rotten trees fall elsewhere in the woods. So, you already know that is what this story is going to be about.

I have known about the danger of falling trees from the moment that I first came into the woods and set up my camp. When I was looking for a place to put my tent in the beginning, I noticed a lot of fallen trees lying around, and it occurred to me to think back in time and realize that they had once been standing, and to wonder how they fell, and to predict which trees might fall in the future. I examined the trees that were lying down. Most of them were pines. In my area, actually, *all* of them were pines. Most of them were rotten and had broken partway up the trunk, but a couple of them were actually ripped out at the roots. I wondered if maybe very high winds or a tornado had done that.

My original campsite felt safe from falling trees. I was underneath some bent saplings that arched over me. The saplings had been bent when other trees had fallen over them. When I moved to my temporary site where I am now, I was doing a soil decon, and I didn’t mean to stay where I am forever. But I didn’t finish that decon before winter last year, and ended up just staying where I am. It doesn’t have saplings arched over it, but there are some saplings around the tent that are going straight up.

Last night I was coming home from Wal-Mart on my bike. I had just seen ‘Despicable Me 2.’ (I could talk about the movie later. I don’t have a lot of time now.) I had gotten some Coke and bottled water and was planning to do some outdoor work today, Tuesday. It was pouring rain. A car pulled over and the guy asked me if I wanted a ride home. I didn’t know him, but he knew me. He was one of the former owners of the McDonald’s franchise. The owners had been there in the very beginning when I got hired years ago, but sold it to the corporation shortly after that. So I rode home with him. He asked me if I had a flat tire – I was pushing my bike at the time – and I said no, I had just crossed over to the wrong side of the street (towards oncoming traffic) and was about to make a left turn into Lemont, so I wasn’t riding my bike. He said he knew how it felt to get caught in the rain.

We talked for a couple of minutes and it was very interesting. I asked him why they had sold the franchise back to McD. He said that he and his brother had wanted to buy a couple restaurants from their father, but McD Corp had been making them jump through flaming hoops to do it, for five years, and finally they decided that McD just didn’t want to sell them those stores. He said it was because the stores were very profitable and McD wanted them for themselves. (That made me start getting a lot of unanswered questions about how franchises work. Why would the main corporation ever refuse to allow somebody to franchise a particular store? That just never occurred to me. Do they get less profits from franchised stores? Do they only franchise stores that are unprofitable or difficult to run?) So eventually they just gave all the stores back to McD and got out of the business entirely. But he spoke of this whole story with regret.

I went home and went to bed. I could hear the rain falling and I was anxious about the trees. ‘They,’ the voices in my head, urged me to call the hotel and ask them if they had anything open, and I did. I wasn’t planning to go to the hotel, and I was reluctant to, but I called them anyway. ‘They’ were giving me a strong urge to go there. I ended up staying home and going to sleep in my tent.

Then later I thought I could hear small cracking noises, but I wasn’t sure. I listen to every cracking noise, imagining it might be a tree about to fall. The voices in my head were talking to me, warning me that those cracking noises were real, but still I stayed in my tent…

Later on in the night, it felt like a bug bit me on my foot. Then I felt something crawling on my leg. I panicked and started thrashing around looking for the bug. But my batteries were burning out and the light was so dim I could barely see. Imagine the horror of trying to find a bug that’s crawling in your tent when you don’t even have a light. (I could have used my cell phone light if I really had to, though.) So I zipped up my sleeping bag, checked it everywhere for bugs, didn’t find any, and laid back down to go to sleep. I’ve had incidents in the past where ‘they’ told me that they had made a particular bug or spider crawl across me, because they can control the movements of insects as well as humans, and they told me they had done that this time. They were trying to warn me by scaring me and making me want to leave. But I still did not leave.

A while later, a tree finally fell. No, it did not come anywhere near my tent. But it was close enough that I could clearly hear it and got scared by it.

I decided I would go outside. I got up and banged on the door of the tent a bunch of times to de-spider it. Then I went outside, naked, in the rain, in the dark, in the middle of the night, with an extremely dim flashlight. This was the waking nightmare moment. I put on my shoes and walked around trying to shine my light into the dark woods, desperately trying to look and see which tree had fallen, but I couldn’t see it. I saw something that might possibly have been the tree, but I wasn’t sure. The moon was out, but it was shining from behind thick clouds and rain, so there was only a little bit of light in the woods. I could see dark shapes and that was all. I felt like I was in a horror movie, and that something, some monster, was going to be prowling through the woods and I would see its shadow through the trees. But I didn’t.

I decided I would look around a bit to find the tree. I walked through the dark woods, barely able to see, waving a stick in front of me to try to break the spiderwebs so I wouldn’t run into them, because there have been millions of spiderwebs in the past couple weeks. (That was another nightmare moment. Have you ever had dreams about spiders?) I walked up above the tent, and tried and tried to see a fallen tree. I thought I could see one tree that looked broken, but couldn’t remember if it had been standing before, and couldn’t see it well enough.

The flashlight got dimmer and dimmer. I shook it, I unscrewed the cap and screwed it back on, I pushed the button on and off a couple times, and got the light to work for just a few seconds longer. But it faded away and went out. I stood there looking into the dark forest helplessly, without light, watching all the trees as though another tree might fall that very minute. That was when I decided I would get some money out of my cache and go to the hotel.

I replaced the batteries in my flashlight, so I was able to see again. I had drunk some Coke, and I decided to pee in my cup again while I was in the process of getting things together and getting ready to leave. When I picked up the cup and shined the flashlight inside it, there was a spider in the cup makinng a web. ‘Noooo-ho-ho-ho-ho…’ I sobbed, and opened the door and threw the spider out.

I got dressed, got my money, got my backpack, and got ready to leave the tent. I usually cover it up with a piece of plastic and the camo net, but I didn’t even bother to do that this time. I didn’t even feel like staying there a moment longer than I had to.

So it was one of those nightmares where large falling objects are trying to kill you, it’s dark and your flashlight is burning out, it’s pouring rain, there are spiders everywhere, and you’re not listening to the voices in your head who are, for once, trying to help you.

I’ve wondered how the voices know that trees are going to fall. If they are able to hear the ultrasonic whispers of the subvocal speech in my throat, then they can hear the ultrasonic cracking noises of a tree about to fall. That’s my theory.

Well, I have to check out of this hotel. I’m going to the diner, probably, to eat liver, so I will have energy to do my work today. I’ve got rope and I’m going to attempt to tie some saplings over my tent to make a new roof to make myself feel safe. I’ll publish this now. If I succeed in bending the saplings, I will take a picture of it. I don’t like hurting trees, but my safety is more important.

More details about the nightmare; a dislike of violent humor in movies

July 23, 2013

12:03 PM 7/23/2013

I’m adding a few details to that story because I was in a hurry to check out of the hotel and forgot a few things.

When the guy pulled over to offer me a ride, that actually had nightmarish potential too. I didn’t feel afraid, but I’m imagining it’s in a movie, and maybe the guy seems scary at first but turns out to be okay. I remember reading that you should never accept a ride from someone who offers to turn around and drive the opposite direction to take you somewhere. The idea behind this rule is that it means someone is really desperate to give you a ride, and if they want to ‘help’ you too much, there must be something in it for themselves, so they are probably a rapist or something. I was walking on the left side of the road towards oncoming traffic, and this person pulled over to offer me a ride going in the direction opposite from the way he was going. So I broke that rule. And he could have been some creep just claiming to be the former McD franchise owner – perhaps because he had seen me working at McD and was stalking me – but actually, I sort of recognized him once he said that, because I had seen him a few times.

I forgot to mention that I told him I was camping. He said he liked to camp too, and he did it survival-style, with only a knife and a couple other basic things. I said, enviously, ‘Oh, I want to learn to do that! No, I’m just doing “wimpy camping.”‘ And I told him that I had really enjoyed talking to him and would love to talk to him some more someday, before I got out of the car and left. He really was very enjoyable to talk to.

He had also said that he didn’t like the hypocrisy of the McD corporation. He said they were all obsessed with profit, but you have to take care of your people first if you want to profit. I appreciated his saying that.

I was just thinking today, I don’t want to be like those people whose stories ended with a tragic death. I’ve seen several examples of people who became famous because they were trying to live a different lifestyle or trying to leave society and they ended up dead. Christopher McCandless and the Grizzly Man are two examples. It’s very important for me to know those stories. I am an ignorant person living in the wild and have no idea of the dangers. I want to be as realistic about them as I can be. I’m figuring it out for the first time because nobody taught me to do these things.

But the hunter-gatherer tribes are examples of the opposite. They lived in groups, not alone. They had technology handed down to them from their parents. Not every one of them had to handcraft their own pottery cookware, for instance. They didn’t all have to handcraft their very own caribou parka to live in the Arctic. They had somebody else who did those things for them in the beginning before they learned to do it themselves.

I dared to pick up a book by Jared Diamond yesterday at Barnes & Noble: ‘The World Until Yesterday.’ I only just started reading it. He quoted someone else who had classified social groups into four basic categories, for simplicity: bands, tribes, chiefdoms, and states, in order by increasing size and complexity.

Well, this beef liver with onions and gravy is good, but it’s not as good as my mom’s, and I mean that sincerely. Last time I was there she made liver with bacon and avocadoes and onions, and it was extremely good. She makes an effort to cook the liver gently so it’s not tough. This liver isn’t tough either, but it seems to have been cooked just a tad more than Mom cooks it. And the portion size is too huge. It’s two giant slabs about, I dunno, eight inches long each.

Anyway, the reason I say ‘I dared’ to pick up a book by Jared Diamond is because he’s an IEE personality type, and because a particular person I know likes that author, and when I was severely manic and interacting with that person in the past, I was criticizing his beliefs and I probably criticized him for liking Jared Diamond, but I don’t remember exactly what I might have said. I know I criticized him for believing in Peak Oil, when I was severely manic, and then later on I became more curious about Peak Oil as a result of finding out that he (the guy I was talking to) believed in it. I sometimes have very intense reactions when I read things written by IEEs, especially if I’m manic when I read them, and I start writing frantically about all the ways that they are totally, totally wrong about everything they believe. Apparently, this is a sign that I like someone, kind of.

The only thing I saw so far that seemed blatantly wrong in this book – although I only barely read a few pages in the beginning – is that he has no clue what causes obesity, like everyone else. He mistakenly believes that ‘gluttony’ and ‘overeating’ and ‘sloth’ and ‘easy availability of lots of food’ is the cause of obesity. That has almost nothing to do with it whatsoever. Obesity is a disease that begins in infancy, or perhaps even before conception. If you bottle-feed your baby toxic, manmade infant formulas, especially formulas containing soy, it will destroy their adipose tissue and their thyroid glands and cause them to be permanently deformed for life, with excessively huge adipose tissue and swelling all over their body. It’s not their fault at all. Most severely obese people who I’ve met in real life eat less than I do, and I am not joking or exaggerating. They barely nibble anything at all. Obesity has other causes as well – chemicals, drugs, anything that interferes with hormones, vaccines, and other stuff. Eating wheat can also cause obesity in some people, and drinking milk can cause it in others. ‘Gluttony and sloth’ are the *least* important of all the causes. They are at the very bottom of the list of things that cause obesity. ‘Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens’ are more strongly correlated with obesity than gluttony and sloth. I shouldn’t try to use random things as references because ‘they’ almost always put some hidden meaning into it, but, it’s meant to say that some random silly thing causes obesity more than gluttony and sloth do. Don’t read into it. I am not implying that obesity is one of my favorite things, or something like that.

One thing I hate about restaurants is huge portion sizes. Speaking of gluttony. There is no way on earth that I can possibly eat this much liver. Don’t they ever offer small portion sizes of anything? I will have to get a take-out box.

Anyway, so he has a photo of primitive people ‘feasting’ on a bunch of lowfat sweet potatoes that they found by foraging, and those people are all thin, and in contrast, a photo of a modern fat guy eating a huge burger or sub or something, or maybe a big chicken leg (I don’t have the book in front of me) with the label ‘modern feasting.’ This is inaccurate. Feasting on burgers and subs has no connection with obesity, unless the burgers and subs contain leftover hormones given to the factory farm animals. He didn’t think to show a bunch of Arctic people feasting on chunks of pure whale blubber and dipping them in seal oil without gaining a single pound of body weight.

Eating fat doesn’t cause obesity, but I say this with a reservation: I have this thing where, if I eat butter, I instantly gain fat on my thighs and butt, literally overnight, which might even be why it’s called ‘butter’ – that which adds more fat to your butt. Who knows. If I eat butter, my butt gets bigger overnight, and I can feel my thighs rubbing together when I walk the next day. Butter might possibly make me fat because it contains leftover bovine growth hormone or other hormones given to the cows, but it could also make me get fat for other reasons – it may have some naturally occurring hormone that exists in milk even if the cows are grassfed and drug-free. I don’t know. I have an open mind on this. The Weston Price fanatics and Paleo dieters would be jumping up and down in their seats in front of their computers if they read about me saying that, maybe, possibly, one particular kind of fat really does cause you to gain weight. I guess Paleo dieters don’t necessarily eat dairy products, though, so they wouldn’t be eating butter. Milk is intended to help baby animals get bigger quickly, so maybe when milk is given to adults, it causes them to get fat instead. I say that more research is needed to help me understand what’s going on with milk fat. I suspect that that fattening phenomenon might even happen with all-natural, grassfed, hormone-free, antibiotic-free cows.

For some reason, it fascinated me to think of groups of humans classified into bands, tribes, chiefdoms, and states. In reality there is more complexity than that, he acknowledged, but for simplicity, that would be how he would talk about them. I’m thinking of intentional communities and their sizes. Diana Leafe Christian wrote about issues with the size of the community and the limit to the number of people who can get together face-to-face and make consensus decisions.

I was thinking of how to design a society that would compete against mainstream modern society, that would somehow be strong enough to resist being destroyed by modern society, but which would live by my values and beliefs instead of the mainstream society’s.

Oh, I just thought of something else which is totally not connected to this, because I happened to see it on one of my open web pages. I found out about the socionic model that I had noticed and was interested in a while ago. I said that it had the plus and minus signs, with, for example, -Si and +Se as my base function, in the SLI type. I did a google search a day or two ago and found it. It’s called ‘Model B’ by Alexander Bukalov. That’s it. It was that easy to find. Now I just have to read more about how it works.

One of the things that the voices said to me last night, after they had made efforts to warn me about the falling tree in advance and had urged me to go to the hotel, was ‘I DON’T LOVE YOU. I AM A MURDERER.’ I wrote this in all caps because it was said in a sort of clear, spaced-out way, with emphasis on each word. I got the impression that it was supposed to mean the opposite of what it said, because I am always calling them the murderers and saying that I hate them and they hate me, and they were throwing that back at me after they had urged me to do something to protect myself against the tree.

I will never really be able to be grateful to them for what they are doing. I believe that they use unnecessarily harsh and cruel methods, that they seem to delight in these methods – instead of merely telling me, straight out, that a tree is going to fall, noooo – they have to make an insect crawl on me and bite me so I will panic. That’s how they convey messages, doing things to torture me. Instead of just telling me what’s going on and what they want me to do, they will sit there burning my legs for hours so that I lie in bed kicking, and kicking, and kicking, and kicking, without explaining what they want me to do. It’s very similar to Despicable Me 2, where that red-haired lady tasers the villain and stuffs him into her trunk and kidnaps him. Later on he says that you could have just *asked* me to come with you.

I typed this movie as SEI, Alpha SF. Its strongest function is my ignore function. ‘Body as object’ humor is everywhere throughout the movie – your body is an object to be tossed around and abused, and this is funny, and we don’t care about your pain or injuries. That’s the +Si/-Se version of sensing. (That’s my negative way of describing it.) One example is the blond lady who went on a date with the villain. The red-haired lady shot her in the butt with a sedative dart, put her to sleep, and then tied her up on top of their car and drove her home, and at one point, she was thrown off the car, if I recall, and her body was thrown upside down against a wall or something – I don’t remember the details. She was mistreated because she was a mean and unkind person, and I understood that, but even so, there is something in me that doesn’t really like this kind of humor, and I didn’t laugh, I just watched it.

I remember that I laughed hysterically when I watched ‘Pulp Fiction’ in a packed theater full of people who were all laughing, but when I watched it with my IEE friend Rachael, in a nearly empty theater, Rachael was horrified by the movie, and we didn’t laugh. This was a classic psychology experiment where the group’s emotions influence you. It was like participating in a riot. Pulp Fiction has the same kind of horrible violent humor. I laughed hysterically along with everyone else when the black guy in the back seat of the car accidentally got his head blown off by a gunshot when the car went over a bump. Rachael was traumatized and disgusted and horrified by this when we watched it together in the nearly empty theater, and that time, I was terribly ashamed that I had ever laughed along with the group, and ashamed that I had made her come see this movie with me. I was all like, ‘Look, this movie is SO FUNNY! You’ve GOT to come see it with me!’

In reality, the SEIs I know are much nicer and kinder than that, and the ESEs as well. This movie (Despicable Me 2) was supposed to portray the most villainous behavior imaginable from everyone. Everyone was a villain, even the Anti-Villain League (the red-haired lady admired the guy’s career as a villain). But still, I reacted to it with dislike. It actually ‘triggers’ me, my traumas, my years of abuse and torture. I did actually enjoy the movie, but I was clearly aware of my dislike of that version of sensing. This can only be seen with Bukalov’s Model B, if I am interpreting that model correctly. In that model, Alpha sensing is not the same as Delta sensing.

There have always been people who complained that cartoons were too violent, and now I can kind of understand where they’re coming from. I understand what they’re seeing. And people always make fun of those people for complaining that cartoons are too violent. I’m thinking of Wile E. Coyote, who I loved when I was a child, and he was always getting crushed by rocks and who knows what else. I just loved him and watched him quietly, not laughing. It was the ‘laws of physics’ jokes that made me laugh the most – when you push down on one side of the teeter-totter, the other side goes up and throws the rock up in the air, and the rock lands on you.

I’m going to try to go to the library first before I go home and work on my outdoor project. I need to return a book which is due today. Maybe I will find another Jared Diamond book at the library. It won’t be the same book – they don’t have that particular one unless I order it. I could order it, but I also want to pick something up today. Jared Diamond was reshaping, reframing, the way that I feel about society, the way that I see things, in subtle subconscious ways that I could not predict. I should get ready to leave if I am going to take the bus. I’d like to save my physical energy today so I can have enough energy to work in the woods. I’m expecting to be in that same campsite for a few more weeks, and so I’ll build the sapling roof today even though I’m going to move to a new site. I’ll try not to break the saplings. This will be the first time I’ve ever done this. I’ve seen other saplings that were bent but not broken, and still alive, so I think I can do it. They are extremely strong, and if a tree fell on them, they would not collapse or break, especially if there were more than one sapling tied together to make my roof. I have an idea how I will do it, but this is experimental.

I lowered the price of the items I want to sell; I recently decided that chemtrails are probably real

July 22, 2013

12:23 PM 7/22/2013

I’m off work today. I’m feeling much better. I still don’t know exactly what made me sick. I might have had a virus. I might have had food poisoning. One girl at work got very sick and was vomiting and went home the other day, and I think she might have had food poisoning from our fridge and freezer both not working. Another girl said she felt sick after the first girl left, but then felt better after a while. I don’t know why it’s taking so long to fix those things.

I got out of bed today and I’m at McDonald’s using the wifi, at the Nittany Mall. I’ve gone to the Lemont Cafe a couple times in the last few days. I would have gone there to use the wifi, but I think it’s not open on Mondays. I didn’t bother going there to make sure. I’m pretty sure that’s what I saw on the sign.

My main task today was to get on Craigslist and lower the prices of the two items that I have for sale, the white bike and the little craft oven. I haven’t gotten any requests for them yet. If I could fix the bike, it would help. The bike’s handlebars are not tightened enough, so that the wheel turns separately from the handlebars. It absolutely has to be fixed before anyone can ride it. I took a picture of this problem and explained what was wrong with it in the ad, so everyone knows. I don’t want to secretly give it to someone that way only to have them die in an accident while trying to ride it.

Now that I’m working five days a week again, I understand how important it was for me to get on the three days a week schedule that I had earlier this year. It’s very, very hard to do any work at home on two days off, especially if you want to rest and quit caffeine. I’m not even trying to quit caffeine right now.

I’ve been reading the Natural News website for a while now. I never believed in chemtrails before. But I have recently read one or two articles that convinced me they are probably real. I also believe that there are a lot of misinterpretations, as in, people seeing ordinary contrails and thinking they are chemtrails; but, I’m starting to believe that chemtrails are actually real too. (Just because sometimes people make mistakes doesn’t mean that something doesn’t exist. A snake-phobic person might see a stick lying on the ground and think it’s a snake, but that doesn’t mean that snakes don’t exist.) The reason why I believe it is because I wouldn’t put *anything* past government. Nothing is too stupid, nothing is too insane, for the government to do. There simply are no limits on government stupidity and insanity, and this is an example of it. Government in general is 100% untrustworthy. There are a few semi-decent individual people working in the government, but that’s all.

According to the current theory, chemtrails are being done for the purpose of reducing global warming. They contain several substances, and I can’t remember exactly what they are, but it’s something like aluminum and maybe barium, maybe chromium. I forget. I could go find it but I won’t bother to right now. They might not be doing them everywhere, but in some places, people are pretty sure they’re doing them. The metallic dust spreads out into the atmosphere and scatters the sun’s rays, which is intended to reduce global warming. However, people are finding aluminum and the other metals in large quantities in the clean mountain snow, near California, in places where there should absolutely not be any aluminum at all. People have also photographed planes with nozzles equipped on the wings, where no nozzles should be. People have found patents for this method of reducing global warming. And they always say, if it’s been successfully patented, then somebody somewhere takes it seriously and believes it would work.

It even has an official name (besides ‘chemtrails’). It’s called Geoengineering. But when you read about it in the official sources, they will all say that this is merely hypothetical and we ‘might possibly’ do this ‘someday’ ‘in the future’ ‘if it gets bad enough that we have to.’ Meanwhile, apparently the insane morons in government have already said, ‘Yes, go ahead and start doing this, but don’t tell anyone, and lie about it, because people would get freaked out if they knew that toxic chemicals were falling from the sky and making everyone sick.’

My only reservation about this whole idea is: insane evil morons usually don’t do things that can harm themselves. These people spraying these chemtrails and the people who oversee the whole operation also have to live underneath this sky and are exposed to the falling rain and the falling dust like everyone else. Usually when insane evil morons force something on the population, they find a way to exempt themselves from having to do it. Apparently, they sincerely believe that it’s harmless, and they’re willing to ignore any symptoms of physical illness that might prove them wrong. If they get sick, they’ll always attribute it to something other than poisoning. The people who directly handle the poisonous metals, at whatever factory that produces them, and at the places where they’re packaged and where they’re put onto the airplanes, those people would get sick the most. The same is true of the farmers putting pesticides on their fields: the farmers are the first people to get deathly ill from pesticide poisoning.

I myself have not noticed any symptoms of *metal poisoning* associated with falling rain. I *have* noticed outbreaks of colds and viruses. I mentioned that in a comment somewhere, and somebody connected it with chemtrails, during a time when I didn’t believe in chemtrails at all, so I didn’t know what to say. I also have not actually seen anybody who went out and did soil samples or snow samples or water samples and actually found unusual levels of aluminum and other metals that didn’t belong there.

Part of what convinced me was reading about the people who actually started noticing this. This theory didn’t come out of nowhere. There were people in the late 1990s who started seeing unusual airplanes that were obviously ‘spraying something’ rather than leaving a normal contrail. They actually *saw* that lots of stuff was coming out of the planes. People have said that the planes are ‘unmarked’ – that if you look at them with, I dunno, binoculars or a telescope or something, you won’t see any of the usual plane numbers or whatever they have. The theory began because of something that real people actually *saw*. That was part of what convinced me. It wasn’t just some random person sitting at his computer and saying, ‘Gee, what if somebody started spraying something from an airplane?’ There were people who were familiar with normal contrails, who started noticing very unusual contrails and unusual planes, and they started asking questions and researching it, because when they complained to the government about it, the government lied to them and told them nothing was happening. And one reason why everyone doesn’t know about it is because it’s not being done everywhere, it’s only being done in some places, so most people haven’t even seen a chemtrail and don’t know how different it looks from a regular contrail, and haven’t seen the unusual planes themselves.

I am not really preoccupied with chemtrails. I just sort of acknowledge that yes, the government really is *that* stupid and evil. I would believe anything of them. After what I’ve seen and experienced, I would put *nothing* past them. Government is absolute evil. So chemtrails are now among the things that I think the government probably really is doing, although I don’t know if they’re doing it here where I live.

I did my task for today: I went to Craigslist and lowered the prices of the two items I’m selling. Now I have more to do, but I don’t know if I’ll do it today. If I decide to work outdoors in the pouring rain, then I might do it. That will happen. If you only have two days off, those two days can easily be ruined by two days of nonstop rain.

A couple weeks ago I was hearing voices talking to me about this. I judge myself for failing to have enough will to do something in spite of obstacles. Deep down, I believe that I *should* just go do this, in spite of overwhelming chronic fatigue, downpours and lightning, brain-zapping, lack of money, and every other obstacle in my life. I actually judge myself as a failure and a bad person because I don’t say, ‘I’m gonna go up there and do it right now even though it’s pouring buckets of rain and I’m dead exhausted.’ I feel that I should do that. And later, in the future, I will look back at this time period and say, ‘Why didn’t I do that?’ without understanding how it felt to be me right now. Like, now I’m mad at myself for not switching my schedule back to five days a week during the winter when I couldn’t work outside. If I couldn’t do the decon on my days off during the winter, then why not just go back to work at McD five days a week? I’m mad at myself for not doing that. But that would have meant that I would have gone to the hotel even more often. The more I worked, the more I went to the hotel, during the late winter when I was sick all the time. And I really, really don’t *want* to work five days a week at McDonald’s.

I’d like to live as a hunter-gatherer, except, unfortunately, modern evil has intruded upon my peace no matter where I go. No matter where I go, I suspect that I will hear voices in my head and be attacked by electronic weapons. A hunter-gatherer society would only be secure if they were able to convince other modern societies to become hunter-gatherers along with them, so that nobody was attacking anybody anywhere with electronic weapons anymore. That won’t happen. The new hunter-gatherers will need to use *some* kind of modern technology, perhaps shields made of metal, if they want to be left in peace at all. It doesn’t matter if you are a peaceful person who never attacks anyone – you will be attacked merely for existing. I always used to believe that you could make everybody else leave you alone, if only you left them alone. Just don’t attack anybody, and nobody will attack you. But it doesn’t work that way. Leave everyone alone, and people will come to you and attack you just because you are there.

I was thinking about hunter-gatherers because of not wanting to work at a ‘job’ to ‘earn money.’ That’s why I went off on that tangent. But some kind of trade will be necessary if I want to build a shield. I don’t think that an individual person can mine their own copper and build it into a shield… although, I guess I could move to the Great Lakes and look for the copper that allegedly used to be just lying around openly on the ground in that region. But that’s all been taken by now. But yes, maybe there are some places where you can just pick up copper off the ground the way people did thousands of years ago. But I don’t even know if a copper shield will suffice – I’ve never tested that yet. I know where I can buy electromagnetic shielding, but haven’t done it because I want to do the decon first, like everything else that I’ve postponed buying because of the decon.

Well, I want to be optimistic today. I am still off tomorrow. I know it will be pouring rain for the next couple days. I *could* do it anyway. My task is to move items that are clean, items I’m keeping, into the new tent, which has been set up. That seems like it would be not that hard. However, you don’t know how it feels to have 1. chronic fatigue, and 2. constant brain-zapping attacks that destroy your will and your concentration, so that the simplest task requires too much focus that you can’t summon up.

I did ask for a vacation in August. That will be nine days off in a row, if I wrote the right days down.

Is there any difference between this year and last year, anything that would suggest that I’m going to succeed this year where I failed last year? I don’t know…

random stuff, no time to write more

July 20, 2013

5:29 AM 7/20/2013

I shouldn’t be blogging before work. It tends to make me punch in just a minute or two late. One reason for this is because my computer is slow and full of crap and hacked by the NSA or whoever the hackers are. I don’t have the mental energy to do a computer cleanup right now, but I will in the future. WordPress is now so slow that it takes several minutes for all my wordpress pages to load. The hacker harassment is so bad that even simple HTML pages often won’t load. There are some other causes of it besides harassment, but that does cause some of it, and I know because I’ve tested it in the past.

But I have been feeling like I need to blog about every little thing. I am anxious and hopeful at the same time. I desperately wanted to save money, and I am succeeding again, although slowly. I feel anxious every time I get hopeful, because my life has been a constant disaster for the last few years, or the last few decades. I could be on the brink of success and then something else could go wrong, something unpredictable, and I don’t have any idea what it will be before it happens.

The universe is not out to get me. Instead, I am being attacked by malicious humans. The universe doesn’t mind if I succeed. Most of the things that have gone wrong have been because of the attackers.

The woods are full of moths. They suddenly came out a few days ago, after the rain stopped. They are brown moths and they are flying everywhere. I like them, actually.

11:42 AM 7/20/2013

I didn’t get to finish that because someone was talking to me.

Two people at work are sick now. One girl was throwing up, feverish, and shaking, and she went home. Another girl just now told me that she thought she had caught it from the first girl, because she was starting to get sick now, too. I asked her if she had eaten any of our food, and she said yes, but the food she ate came from the cooler that’s working, and not from the freezer that isn’t working. However, yesterday, one of the refrigerators upstairs stopped working, and she ate scrambled eggs, which might possibly have been in that fridge during the time when it wasn’t working, if they didn’t throw them away. (Yes, I know it’s ridiculous, but it is indeed true that a second appliance has stopped working. A coworker told me that a repair person had been looking at that cooler right before it broke, and I told him yes, I believed him, because our repair people have been proven to be either 1. horribly, totally incompetent and negligent, or 2. deliberately malicious saboteurs who break things so they can get paid to fix them. Every time a repair person comes here, something else breaks, and, you wouldn’t believe this, but they always call back the *same exact* repair people, who get paid by the hour, again, and who are working *on a contract* with McDonald’s – that is insane, I know.) I didn’t get to ask the first girl if she had eaten our food before she started vomiting.

I’m eating my lunch now, and *everything* tastes funny, including things that should be okay, so I’m wondering if I have a virus and it’s not the food. I drank some orange Hi-C and it tasted bitter, and just now I drank my milkshake and it tasted weird, and then I ate my mcdouble and it tastes bitter. The one girl who’s getting sick said that she drank sweet tea and it tasted like it was spoiled, but there’s no reason why anything would be wrong with our sweet tea, no more than usual. So, I don’t know: virus, food poisoning, or something else entirely?

And my burger has tasted relatively okay, not too bad, but once in a while, I get just a teensy, teensy hint of the recognizable ‘spoiled’ flavor. It’s barely there. I’m not even sure if I imagined it. But suddenly I feel like I don’t want to eat any more of the burger. I ate about half of it. And I didn’t eat breakfast, and I was really hungry and wanted to eat lunch very badly.

They would have had a lot of stuff in the broken cooler during the time when it wasn’t working. I know it stopped working on Thursday night, because that’s the last time I was there. I had gone grocery shopping for my weird foods, and I came back to McD and put a couple items into the cooler, planning to pick them up the next day, Friday. I noticed that one cooler was broken, but I didn’t say anything about it – I’m not sure why. Maybe I thought they already knew, or maybe I thought the door had just been left open a long time or something, and that’s why it felt warm in there. So it would have been broken all Thursday night at least. Then I called off sick yesterday. I came in today and they knew the cooler was broken, but it was as though they had only just discovered this last night. So it might have gone 24 hours without being noticed, and everything in there was at room temperature all that time. Believe me, these repair people are *that* sociopathic – they don’t care who gets sick and dies after they sabotage our equipment. I don’t like to believe that about people, but I have seen how many things suddenly get broken, which had been working fine before they came. And they have a *contract*! McDonald’s won’t even look for new people to fix our stuff!

I’m starting to feel weird now after eating. Great. I’m not sure yet whether I’m really sick or not.

I guess I will have to post this.

Writing is something I do to make myself feel like I exist and like my life matters. My life actually sucks in a lot of ways. In a lot of ways, so far, it is a pathetic failure of a life. But my writing makes me feel like I am different and special, and like I have some kind of hope for the future. I am the heroine in my own story, and I feel like my readers care about whether I succeed or fail. The torture has gone on for such a long time, and it’s boring to read about torture forever. It’s boring to be in that story. I feel like my readers are hoping along with me, hoping I will win this time for real, hoping I will get the things I have been trying to get for so long.

I feel a lot better now after the shower; and, a rant about the Industrial Revolution

July 19, 2013

5:53 PM 7/19/2013

I feel a lot better. I don’t know if the whole problem has been solved. I am no longer 75% dead. I am only maybe 20% dead. I may get sick again tomorrow, but hopefully I will be well enough to go in to work.

I have to take showers because of the drug residues, but even after the decon is over, I will still be exposed to other chemicals and drugs in the ‘untouchable society’ that I live in. There is no way to avoid this unless I am economically self-sufficient, or living in a chemical-free intentional community, which is possible.

There is another toxic chemical which will go away after the decon, but it isn’t a chemical made in a factory, it’s a naturally occurring toxic chemical. This chemical is in my tent, poisoning the air, and it won’t be there in the new tent, and I won’t let this accident happen again. I drink tons and tons of caffeine, so I pee a lot. Instead of getting up and going out the door of the tent every time I have to pee, I pee in a cup instead, and toss it out the door. I don’t like going out the door, because spiders crawl up above the door and I have to knock them off before I go out, and then I have to put my shoes on, or rather I prefer to put the shoes on, because there are still some drug residues in that area. I don’t want to go through the whole process of de-spidering the door and putting my shoes on to go pee outside when I am peeing every fifteen minutes due to excessive caffeine.

After tossing out the cup, for months and months I was just setting the cup on the floor by the door of the tent, often facing downwards, and drops of pee dripped out of it onto the floor. I didn’t realize how bad this was. Over time, it turned into ammonia, and now my tent smells like ammonia. It got on my sleeping bags, it got on my clothing, it got on my backpack, it got on everything everywhere. It’s worst when it rains outside – the water condenses in the tent and reactivates the ammonia and makes everything wet again. It’s not as bad when everything is dry.

But, I won’t do that again in the new tent. As soon as I noticed what was going on, I stopped just carelessly throwing the cup down there, and now I always make sure it doesn’t drip onto the floor.

However, I don’t know if that’s what’s making me so severely ill. That wouldn’t last all day long. I’ve been severely sick even for hours after I leave the tent, all day long at work.

I did my laundry here first (I’m back at the laundromat again), and then went to the bus. On the way to the bus stop, I saw Steve the EII, the 55 year old guy who has some kind of cancer thing growing on his neck. I didn’t tell him that it was cancer, and he doesn’t seem to know it’s cancer, and he’s probably better off that way, because if he went to a doctor and they saw that he had cancer on his neck, they would tell him he had to get his entire head removed in surgery. That’s how they are.

He’s a smoker, and if I had the power to do this, I would put him into my Stop Smoking Program. I’d have one. I’m sure I could do it, and I’m sure it would work. I’d make people live in a clean house where there were no smoke residues, and I’d make them wear clean smokeless clothing, and they would eat a special diet that would satisfy all of their cravings. Gaining weight would be socially acceptable at this place, because that is an inevitable consequence of quitting tobacco. It’s temporary and harmless to gain weight when you quit smoking. Eating a special diet is extremely helpful when you need to break an addiction. They would be allowed to eat plenty of saturated fat, in addition to vegetables and meats and an overall nourishing diet, based on the principles of Weston Price (although I don’t use cod liver oil, and I vary from them in some ways).

When I first met him, he was living in a hotel, but now he is living in a small community apartment – I don’t know exactly what it is, sort of a co-op or something – and he said he only paid $100 for his first month, because it was a trial month. He had to find out whether he could get along with his groupmates. I don’t know how much it costs next month. It’s called Fairweather Lodge.

He sat with me while I waited for the bus. He started talking in that way that only an EII can, without effort, not trying to impress me deliberately, just saying whatever he thought of. He always makes me laugh. There were these ducks walking around, and I commented on them, and so we watched the ducks and he started telling little stories explaining what was going on with the ducks. Two ducks started fighting, and he said, ‘They had an argument earlier at the pond, and they’re still mad about it.’ The ducks came up to us, and I didn’t have any food to give to them, but Steve offered one of the ducks his cigarette, which made me laugh. He said some of the ducks were smokers and he made a face and a croaky voice for the smoker ducks. Finally the bus came and I said goodbye to Steve.

I rode the bus to the YMCA and went in. I usually pay $10 for a day pass. I did have a membership there for a few months, but didn’t go often enough to justify the cost. At the time, I didn’t understand that it was possible to just pay one visit at a time. I thought you *had* to have a membership.

Anyway, the guy at the desk was feeling charitable. He acted like he knew me, even though I didn’t know him at all – I might possibly have seen him once before – but he was all like, ‘Heyyyyyy!’, like welcoming me as though I was his best friend and I went there every day. I felt sort of anxious and awkward, because I couldn’t remember him, and I hardly ever go there. When I offered him the $10 for my day pass, he said, ‘Day pass?’ in a disdainful voice, and then handed me back my $10. ‘Go on in and have fun,’ he told me. So I did. I went in and I took a hot shower for, like, thirty minutes. Maybe it was only twenty minutes. I washed my hair with shampoo (Steve had said to me, ‘Your hair looks looser in the front,’ and I tried to explain that it was because I had gone for a while without using shampoo, and the shampoo makes the dreadlocks get too tight) so that I could get rid of any chemicals and drug residues that I was having a reaction to (although now I have to react to the shampoo itself, but oh well, it’s less bad). Immediately I felt relief as soon as the shower water started hitting me.

I’m interested in primitive lifestyles and eco-lifestyles, and I’d rather not have to use electricity or have hot showers. However, during a decontamination, and when you are living in a world full of toxic chemicals, you *have* to take showers frequently, and you have to use some kind of solvent, whether it’s a store-bought soap or shampoo, or a homemade one with less toxic chemicals, either way, you have to dissolve the grease and everything. I know this because when I was making my dreadlocks, I went for an extremely long time without any shampoo, just rinsing my hair.

Then I made the mistake of hanging out in the house of a friend and a group of people who were all smoking, and the smoke got in my hair. I didn’t wash it out, I just kept on rinsing my hair like I had been doing, and every time my hair got wet, I would have another manic attack because of all the nicotine in my hair. After I washed it with shampoo, that stopped happening instantly.

So, some kind of solvent is necessary to remove grease. Rinsing isn’t enough. But shampoo, and grease removal, ruins dreadlocks and makes them ‘congo’ together into one huge lock. I’m not willing to rip them and cut them when they lock together. Other people do, but I won’t.

I’m thinking that, um, Father Evolution, or whatever you call him, intended for me to have dreadlocks so that my babies could cling to my hair and leave me both my hands free so that I could go hunting. That’s just my theory. When I have a baby, I’ll test and see whether babies are capable of clinging to dreadlocks. Can they hold on tightly enough to stay on while you’re running full speed away from a lion? Or towards a buffalo?

I had actually been so sick that I was not even capable of doing google searches. I had a to-do list and needed to look up a couple things online, but I was so sick that I could not even concentrate enough to do that. Now, I’m starting to feel well enough that I might have enough mental energy to do google searches again.

I had been reading all the Harry Potters again. I never seem to tire of them, although I get bored if I try to read the same book twice in a row. If I let a little bit of time go by, the book becomes fresh and new again. I don’t know when I will stop wanting to read those books. I always watched my movies a million times, too, when I had a VCR and a DVD player. I wasn’t always buying a hundred new movies, but rather, would find a couple of classic favorites and watch them until every little crumb of data had been completely worn off the recording medium.

But last time I went to the library, the only HP books left were the ones I’d just read. I had to go find some other book. I wandered around the library. Now that I am *relatively* decontaminated, it’s safe for me to borrow library books again. This is a wonderful thing. For a while, I could not get books because they would get ruined with drug residues. So I’m rediscovering the wonders of the library. I have been wanting to read books written by my socionic duals, the IEEs – not just books written by EII activators, but duals. I have a couple examples of duals online, but don’t have them all written down in a list. I know I could read books by Jared Diamond, for instance, but I wanted to see if there was any fiction.

I picked up ‘Lords of Light’ by Deepak Chopra. I vaguely remembered Deepak Chopra as being somebody sort of spiritual or religious or something, something New-Agey. This book was like that. However, he might be an EII, I don’t know – that’s what I suspect. Or he might be something entirely different and not even a Delta NF at all. Well, I read this whole book, and it was just, ehh, okay. Not really great, not really awful. It’s so meh that I don’t even really feel like talking about it. I’ll give a quick summary. A messiah-like guy starts doing miracles and using his powers to make himself into a new savior for the world, but eventually, people get sick of living in a perfect world, and he was sort of a murderous messiah, too. He reminded me of that actor guy, and I should google him before I talk about him, but he was sort of evil and sick but somehow sexy at the same time, and he played Voldemort in Harry Potter, and he played the Nazi guy in Schindler’s List, and I remember he was shooting people while standing on his back porch. Some people think Hitler was an EII. (I think the Nazis’ drug use is one of the biggest reasons why they did what they did. If he was an EII, EIIs are usually very peaceful people in my experience.) So, some people also typed that actor as an EII, I think. I’m not sure. Anyway, that actor was the guy I pictured whenever Ishmail (the fake prophet guy in the book) was being murderous.

I might have to get Jared Diamond and read a nonfiction IEE dual. I’m just curious about fiction, though. Where’s the equivalent of a Harry Potter series written by my IEE dual, a series that I will want to read again and again forever? The vampire books, what are they called, you know what I’m talking about. Edward and Bella. Those are Delta books. They’re in my quadra. Edward is an EII, and Bella is a SLI – an activator relation (probably why the actors broke up, ha ha). Yes, the actors were typecast and played characters in a story written by an author who writes stories that focus on Delta Quadra people. But I tried reading those books and wasn’t really interested. I read a little bit of them. I loved the movies, though, especially Breaking Dawn Part I – I watched that movie a million times, because it involves someone finally getting pregnant and having a baby, which is the focus of my entire life and all of my goals and all of my energy right now (even though it doesn’t look that way on the surface). I love the music in those movies, too. I can remember ‘Breaking Dawn’ and ‘New Moon.’ Okay – Twilight – that’s the name.

And some suspected Deltas like to read the Hunger Games novels, and I myself loved that movie, sort of, but not in a happy way. I want happy books. A book is happy if it contains children and teenagers. This is extremely important! Books are not happy if they only contain childless adults. The children must be important main characters in the plot, not side characters. The more children, teens, and young adults, the better it is. I don’t know how to make a reference to this, because I don’t have a specific memory of where it came from, but, anthropologists and people who study cultures have observed that a society has a very different feel, a different spirit to it, if they have a high birthrate and there are a lot of children. A culture with a low birthrate has a very different feel, a different energy. Didn’t someone say Steven Spielberg was an IEE? His movies have a good feeling to them, and a lot of them have children. The Muppets are great too – he’s a SLI.

Anyway, I need to return that book, although I doubt the library is still open. It closes earlier in the summer. Yeah, it closes at 6.

I’ve been wanting to write about ‘automation,’ but haven’t had the energy. I want to write about the impact of automation on society, about what happens when machines and robots take over our jobs. I won’t be writing this from a libertarian perspective. I’ve already read the official libertarian perspective on this topic before, and I could spit that all back out at you. I could tell you that they think that automation is an endlessly good thing. I could tell you how I agree and disagree with that statement in some ways. But I’ve been so sick I couldn’t even bring myself to write an essay about mechanization and technology taking over human jobs.

I can quickly sum up my main idea, though. Basically, it’s *really true* that automation puts people out of work. The libertarians would be jumping up and down and/or rolling in their graves right now because I said that. There have been people who said that automation was going to make everyone unemployed, and the libertarians always responded with something to the effect of, ‘Hogwash!’ However, after learning about hunter-gatherers and learning all the things that I know now, I think there’s more to it.

Most people are not cut out to become mechanical engineers. Many people are barely able to even be a farmer. The only reason we need to earn any money at all is because the government forces us to pay rent on our land. If we did not have a land ownership paradigm, we would not need to go to college and get degrees and learn all this stuff to climb the social ladder so that we could earn enough money to barely scrape by. Subsistence agriculture or subsistence hunting would be sufficient. But we are, de facto (for all practical purposes), not legally allowed to live a subsistence lifestyle anymore. We are required by law to pay rent if we exist on a piece of land. If gravity pulls you to the ground and you are touching the ground when you walk or sleep, then you are required to pay rent on that piece of ground you are touching. That is why we need to constantly keep up with this race of getting higher and higher Ph.D. degrees in college, to become mechanical engineers so that we can be the builders of robots instead of the farmers displaced by machines. Ayn Rand hates me and she too is rolling over in her grave as I say these things, these heresies.

The result of mechanization and automation is: millions of people can now be put on a government welfare check! That is the result! Millions of people can now afford to be unemployed, because one farmer is efficient enough to do the farming for all of them. And there is *no need* for anybody to work above a subsistence level. That’s the concept. It is *not necessary* for people to earn more money than is required to simply eat food. We only need to work enough to put food on the table, and that is all we absolutely have to have. Everything above that is luxury. (libertarians-objectivists are shouting at me right now).

The government and the socialists figured this out long ago, and so they decided to take all the money from the wealthy people and give it to themselves (the government), and then give a few leftover crumbs of it to the poor people (mostly to themselves though). All that’s needed is just enough money and food to keep the masses of people just above starvation. We don’t need anything else in life, just food.

Mechanization enabled a huge parasitic economy to develop. Without mechanization, there would be no parasitic economy. It would be so small it would not even be worth worrying about. You could steal that stick I picked up off the ground, or that rock over there.

This is a relatively new realization for me. For some reason, I was really *seeing* it in a way I never saw it before. I really understood that it’s true. A tiny number of farmers are getting the food for all of us, which enabled an entire world of 7 billion people to just sit there, do nothing, and receive free food. And that is the result of automation.

Do I believe this is right and good? No, I do not. I want more people to work in farming and in subsistence. I want there to be no rent and no taxes on the land. I want there to be no land ownership. If there were no rent to pay, there would be no need to earn any money at all, and you would be able to get out of the money economy, unless you wanted a few special things now and then.

I’m going to go ahead and post this, but I might write more later.

I took a day off to treat my fatigue/chemical sensitivity

July 19, 2013

1:59 PM 7/19/2013

My fatigue was bad enough yesterday and today that I decided I had to do something about it. Last night I went to the grocery store and bought one or two ‘magic foods,’ along with some food that wasn’t really magical, but was just nicer than what I usually eat. I don’t have a fridge or a stove since I’m still camping, and I’ve never been able to keep the icebox going for more than a day or two before I give up and let it melt and everything spoils. So I am eating the worst foods imaginable, nothing but fast food, even though I’ve studied nutrition, I’m very interested in nutrition, I love all kinds of foods and I love to try new things.

I decided I would get some kind of bizarre vegetable and just eat it raw, and that would be my magic food. So I bought three individual brussel sprouts and ate them raw. It was almost impossible to choke them down, but it was easier if I ate them with a mouthful of something else. The first one was okay, but by the time I got to the second and third brussel sprout, I’d had enough brussel sprouts. Still, I ate them. It was painful.

One of these days I’d like to try juicing again. I did it once, but had some mechanical problems with the juicer (something hard got stuck in it, and it literally caught fire – not a very big fire, but a small fire, enough to leave a blackened burn mark inside the thing), and also, for some reason, no matter what fruits or vegetables I juiced, the juice would make me sick, even if it was perfectly fresh and I had made it just then. I realize that you can’t keep fresh juice – it spoils quickly. But it wasn’t that. Even if I just juiced some lemons and drank it right away, it would somehow make me sick.

And heaven forbid you should ever try to juice something like beets or beet greens. I love cooked, canned beets, so I wasn’t aware that beets contain something, probably oxalic acid, that will cause vomiting if you just gulp down a lot of it at once. Apparently, the cooking and canning process neutralizes that stuff. I juiced the beets with their greens and drank it, and it got halfway down my throat and almost came right back up. So I gave up on the juicing thing. But I might try it again with more knowledge in the future.

Anyway, you shouldn’t eat a million tons of brussel sprouts or any other cruciferous vegetable, because it can interfere with your thyroid gland, and, in extreme cases, it can cause goiter. A little bit now and then is fine. When I eat a lot of them, I wake up the next day with a weird, swollen feeling in my throat, barely perceptible. I feel that today. But they have other health benefits. And I’ve always noticed that if I’m eating really badly, it makes a dramatic and noticeable improvement if I get some special foods and raw vegetables and other things I don’t normally eat.

So I got the brussel sprouts, and pico salsa, organic blue corn chips, a banana, Craisins, canned Lychee juice from Thailand, and a little dinner with chicken legs, whipped potatoes that looked and felt like ‘fake’ mashed potatoes – the kind made from a powder – and lima beans in tomato sauce with bacon. It was actually a very good meal, and different from what I’ve been eating.

I wonder if it’s ‘brussel’ or ‘brussels.’ I think it might be ‘brussels.’ Oh well. That has too many s’s overlapping.

This morning I woke up with voices in my head who were speculating about why I might be having such severe fatigue. They suggested that perhaps the government had recently sprayed weedkiller alongside the road. Every time they’ve done that in the past, when I lived in certain places, I would get extremely sick and not know why. The idea was that maybe there was weedkiller in the little creek where I laid down to cool off. I don’t think they came up that far to spray the weeds, but it was a good theory. It doesn’t look the weeds have been sprayed there. They don’t have that shriveled, browned, burned look that the other weeds have. I have actually seen some weeds along the road that look like they have been sprayed. But, even so, I might even be reacting to spray that was used elsewhere.

And yes, my fatigue is severe enough that it needs somebody to theorize about it. I always have a constant, low-level fatigue, but I can usually ignore it. Sometimes, my fatigue becomes severe, and it ranges from just being very uncomfortable, to being so bad I can barely stand up and walk. That’s how it’s been the last couple days, in that range of ‘very uncomfortable to barely able to walk.’ I certainly did not want to stand up and run around at McDonald’s for eight hours today.

So, I called off sick. I try to do that as infrequently as possible. But I actually had a plan for what I would do today while I was off work. I would do things to try to make myself get better. I would treat it as an emergency. First, I slept in for a few extra hours, and then I rode the bus to town. I pride myself on not being stupid enough to show up at work on a day when I’ve called off sick. We’ve had a couple employees who have done that. Sometimes someone will call off sick and then show up to pick up their paycheck, or something. It just seems rude and disrespectful to me, doing that. If you’re going to call off sick, the *least* you can do is *pretend* you’re at home lying in bed sick all day. But some people will have the gall to come in. True, if they’re not working, they don’t have to stand up for eight hours. That’s how I am today. I’m able to walk, I’m able to do brief bike rides, I’m able to get to the bus, but I would prefer not to be standing up and running around for eight hours. You just can’t sit down at all at McD. Anyway, so I won’t even go to any of the McDonald’s stores anywhere in town, so that nobody will see me and talk about how I came in.

I’ve eaten lunch at the India Pavilion, and I had this interesting stuff that I can’t remember the name of. (Edit: I googled it.  It’s called Suji Halwa.) It was a dessert. It said it was ‘semolina,’ but that’s not really what it was. I guess semolina is a type of wheat, so maybe it was semolina. But I thought that referred to noodles made from that type of wheat. Anyway, it was a dessert, and it was this solid cake-like stuff, colored a coral-pink-orange color (probably artificial color, but it could have been natural, I don’t know). I decided to try it. It turns out that it was made of wheat germ, or at least, that’s what it felt like it was made of, and it was really, really, really good. It was just a big solid cake of nothing but wheat germ. I actually could have eaten a lot more of it, but was reluctant to eat more, partly because of the food coloring and partly because I was almost full anyway. It was ingenious of them to make a dessert out of wheat germ. In our culture, wheat germ is treated as a ‘serious’ food, something you eat in a bowl with milk for breakfast, not something you eat as a special treat for dessert. We also treat spices as a ‘serious’ food or savory food, but at the Indian restaurant, they have a little cup with crystal sugar cubes mixed with aromatic seeds and spices, intended to be eaten as a dessert or breath freshener after the meal. We don’t normally just eat spicy aromatic seeds by themselves by the handful.

Now I’m doing the laundry. I needed to do the laundry very badly. I had the one outfit that I was wearing when I laid down in the creek, which was covered with mud. And my other pair of pants have poison ivy on them, and I’m getting a little bit of poison ivy every time I put them on (herbal drug residues!).

After doing the laundry, I’m going to go take a shower at the YMCA. That will be the last step in my emergency fatigue treatment. I’m going to assume that at least some of my severe fatigue might be caused by a chemical that I have gotten on my body or my clothing. This should help at least a little bit, but it might not make it go completely away, since I still don’t know for certain exactly what is causing this particular outbreak of severe fatigue. One reason why I never know is because the government doesn’t inform me when it goes around spraying poisons everywhere. And I don’t care if they inform me or not, I don’t want them to do it.

I will try to go back to work tomorrow. Yes, I’m able to walk, but I’d rather not move quickly. My joints all hurt. Hopefully this severe fatigue will go away on its own soon.

Sick, horribly exhausted, digestive problems, don’t know what’s going on

July 18, 2013

1:00 PM 7/18/2013

I’m writing before work, so I have a limited amount of time. I have been feeling absolutely horrible for the last couple days, but don’t know exactly what is making me sick. I have a couple theories.

First, the air conditioner at McD isn’t working, so we have these portable AC units instead. People are using those AC units and fans to blow the air around, and sometimes the air has blown over the grills and the fryers, causing smoke to go into the room instead of going up the hood vents. This has been making me cough a little bit. Whenever I see that this is happening, I try to move the fans around so they’re aiming a different way. The smoke has all kinds of things in it that can make you sick, like carbon monoxide.

I’ve been having diarrhea for the last couple days. There are two (edit, four) things that could be causing this. One is that I bought a box of cereal, Frosted Flakes. I ate a bunch of it the other day. I have had incidents in the past where cereal gave me severe diarrhea, and I think it’s the added magnesium in the cereal that does it. (I recently had an argument, which I abandoned, when I commented about the side effects of vitamins and minerals, in a Disqus comment. Vitamins and minerals do have dangers, side effects, toxic doses, and other problems having to do with the way they’re manufactured, and problems that result from their not being in their natural form, the way they are in foods.)

Second, the freezer at McD isn’t working well, and our food quality is going down. The food thaws out in the freezer, which is just above freezing but still cold, and then it refreezes when the freezer starts working again. I think I should avoid eating the chicken. Chicken sometimes gives me diarrhea anyway.

Third (I originally said there were two things, but I just remembered this one), the other day, I laid down in a creek to cool off, because I was dangerously overheated after I pushed my bike up the hill with some heavy stuff in the basket (a gallon of water, and a six-pack of Coke: this is one of those time periods when I am, sadly, relying on Coke to survive). I was drinking lots of water, but even so, I felt somehow ‘wrong,’ like I had a fever, like something in my body had a problem, and as soon as I laid down in the cool creek water by the road, I instantly felt okay again. It was an emergency. I got my clothes all wet and muddy. The diarrhea started after that. I was afraid I got giardiasis, even though I didn’t drink the water. Maybe it will just go away, I’m hoping.

Fourth, there is a stomach virus going around, or at least, there was one not too long ago. I might have that.

I’m also having this horrible, incapacitating fatigue. I haven’t had a chance to take a shower even yet, and I think it would make me feel a lot better.

But that’s not all. I’m wondering if my Lyme disease is kicking in. Several months ago, I had a tiny deer tick attached to my abdomen at my waist. I pulled it off. It left a red dot which never went away. It was a bump for a long, long time, as in, *months*. It just stayed swollen and slightly itchy this whole time. Now, the bump has finally gone down, and you can still see the red dot, but it’s not sticking up anymore. My body is apparently fighting it or doing something with it. But now, I have this horrible fatigue, muscle aches, joint pain, and just overall misery. I might have Lyme disease. If I do, I’m actually not that worried about it. I’ve had chronic fatigue before, for a variety of different reasons, and it usually gets better after a while, or I figure out what’s causing it and I fix it, or it goes away for unknown reasons even if I never figure out the cause.

I’m saving as much money as I can. I got the new tent set up yesterday, so I can start moving stuff into it. I couldn’t do that this morning because I was just too tired to get up. I was able to drag myself to work, and that’s all.

So I’m deathly exhausted and I have diarrhea and I really, really want to take a shower. I even tried to go to the hotel last night because I felt so sick, but all the hotels were booked because there was a dog show and a horse show going on in town. So I went home, and it was horrible going up the hill. However, I reassured myself by thinking about how I’m finally able to work on my decon again and I will be able to make progress once I get through that. All the things I’ve been postponing because of that decon – I could have made my life easier and better in so many ways, but I didn’t, because of having to do the decon. I could have gotten a motorized bike, for instance, which would instantly get rid of most of my exhaustion. A motorized bike is perfect: it’s cheap, you don’t need a license, you don’t need to register it (although this may vary depending on which state you live in), and even if you get the kind that uses gas, it uses very little gas. Or you can get an electric one.

I have to post this now. I’ve got to get ready for work. I can barely move. I hope this sickness goes away soon.

rushing to get this done – always rushing – before winter again

July 17, 2013

2:39 PM 7/17/2013

I feel a little bit better about blogging because I actually have some good things to say now. I have been saving enough money to do my decon. I don’t need a lot of money for it this time. I’ve already gotten a lot of the stuff I need, because I was just about to do the decon just before winter started in 2012, but couldn’t finish it before it got cold.

Today I got the new tent set up. It’s on relatively clean soil. There might be some imperfections. Animals could have walked around on my old site and then walked around on the new site. But it’s mostly clean. I won’t have reactions to my shoes every single time it rains anymore, after I move to that site.

In the beginning when I first went up on the mountain, the soil was clean. I had a bunch of trash bags that had come from my car. They were in a pile. But I had one or two pieces of food inside those bags, and a skunk ripped them open, stepped in them, and spread the trash around all over the ground, which started the soil contamination. That is why I had to move and go to a new site in the first place.

The whole first half of this year has been wasted because winter just kept going and wouldn’t stop, and because I was working only three days a week and didn’t feel ready to start working five days again. I went to the hotel a bunch of times and had no way to protect myself against doing that, so all my saved money was destroyed until there was nothing left. Then, someone was stealing out of my wallet for an unknown length of time, an unknown amount of money.

I have stopped the theft from my wallet. For now, I’m not going to the hotel, and I’m keeping my money out of the bank so I can’t use it. It’s in an inconvenient place. I’ve been spending just a little bit of money on things for the decon, and I had to fix my bike, and I took a cab a couple times while my bike was in the shop. I’m trying to sell some stuff on Craigslist, but so far, nobody wants it, and I will have to lower the price.

It’s the middle of summer, and I am panicking. I have to do this before winter. The winter is an endless, eternal thing, and the summers are only a brief little intermission in the middle of the endless winter. You have only just a couple short minutes to save up all you need to save to get through the months and months and months of starvation and freezing.

This year, there is no reason why I won’t get it done. I have to go to work in a few minutes and can’t write about everything in detail.

I walked home; the cats meowed this morning (the big scary outdoor cats in the woods)

July 14, 2013

12:10 PM 7/14/2013

I am blogging before work, which often makes me late, but I’m in a little earlier than usual. I wanted to eat something before work. My bike is in the shop. One of the cables has gotten messed up because my basket snagged on it many times and gradually ripped it open, so now I can’t shift gears.

So yesterday I dropped off my bike, and then walked around at the Arts Fest in State College, and then I walked to work. I worked for 7 hours or so, and then I walked home to Lemont.

I woke up this morning feeling like a train had run over me. I didn’t go directly home after work – I sat there for a while using the net so I could rest. So that’s one reason why I got home so late and got so little sleep. I withdrew money from the bank so I could pay for a cab, but then I didn’t take a cab. I just started walking, felt like I could do it, and then kept walking even though I got exhausted. I just walked the whole way home.

I got scared of a car at one point. My anxiety has been worse than usual, and I just need to take a shower and get into some clean clothes, and I’m sure that will fix it – it’s drug residues. But I started playing hide-from-car. We used to play that when we were kids, for fun, and I played it by myself as a teenager, probably for real and also for fun at the same time. I would go out walking late at night, and then if a car was coming, I would find a place to hide. It was fun to act like the cars were really, really dangerous, when in fact they were mostly just friendly neighbors on our little rural road. But they could have been kidnappers.

Last night the one car was driving around squealing its tires. It didn’t just squeal them a little bit, it squealed them a lot. I don’t even know how it could do that for so long. It was starting up, and I guess it was doing a burnout. It was, seriously, like fifteen seconds of constant tire squealing. Then they were driving really fast down the road. I ignored them the first time they drove by, and I just got on the opposite side of the road from them. But then, later on, somebody was parked in the middle of the road, and I thought it might be the same people, but I wasn’t sure. Their red blinkers were flashing. I decided I wanted to walk around them and avoid that part of the road, so I started going through people’s front yards. Then they moved. I eventually went up to that part of the road, and then as I crossed the street, I saw a car that had been parked beside the road on a nearby side street, with its lights on, and it started up and started driving as soon as I walked across the street. So I did ‘evasive maneuvers’ and walked a different direction than I had been going, and walked up a set of stairs to a building. Then I walked around in random places and yards, and somebody was sitting out on a chair in the dark, and they said ‘good evening,’ to me, probably because I scared them, and I said, ‘Hullo.’ My voice is obviously female, so maybe that reassured them.

I got so tired that I couldn’t go up the rest of the hill when I got to Lemont. I just sat down on the ground near a church, and then I laid down directly on the ground and curled up with my head lying on my backpack. The ground is always, always, always eternally cold, no matter what time of year it is. If you lie on the ground directly, it will always take away all of your body heat if you lie there too long. A couple of minutes is okay, and it even feels good if you’re hot. But then, you find that you can’t fall asleep, and you start to feel unbearably cold, and no matter how long you lie in that position, the ground beneath you never warms up, unlike a bed, or a blanket, or a cushion, or even the carpet on the floor. You can lie down on almost anything inside a house, and it will warm up. But the ground never will, ever. I have written about this before because it gives me a sense of infinite hugeness, an awareness of the infinite size of the earth. (Someone even did a google search and found my blog with the phrase ‘the infinite coldness of the earth’ or some other poetic-sounding phrase like that.)

I don’t have an emergency blanket, but I could get one. They’re aluminum fabric and they shield you from loss of heat, and they are lightweight. I don’t know if they are strong enough to protect you from the heat-sucking ground. I’m a little nervous about touching aluminum directly for long periods of time. But I could try one and see how it felt. I could just keep it in my backpack. Who knows, maybe I could wrap it around my head and it would block out the voices. I’m sort of joking, but also sort of not joking. Strangely, my tent interferes with my cell phone reception a little bit, so even just the tent fabric does something to the electromagnetic fields.

I laid down by this church and I curled up, and I was able to stay there a surprisingly long time, because it’s summer, and the ground is as warm as it ever can be, and so is the air above. It didn’t rain, finally. It has been raining constantly. I curled up on the wet grass in an alley between two church buildings, and I looked up at the stars above, with the church steeple standing out in front of them. It was actually a very nice view, and I felt comfortable and safe, even though I was gradually getting hypothermia from lying on the ground. I dozed off a couple times, but ‘they’ wouldn’t let me stay asleep, and eventually, they forced me to get up and try walking again. If I had been left alone, I think I would have been okay. Morning would have come, and it would have gotten warmer, and I would have eventually woken up with mild hypothermia. I imagined maybe some nice people would have found me and I would have made new friends – I was right next to a church, and churchy people are usually nice, in the sense of welcoming in some homeless bum who is sleeping on the ground. They’re not necessarily nice all of the time in all ways.

I walked the rest of the way up the hill and slept the rest of the night in my tent, and finally I was warm. I got warm walking up the hill. As soon as I got up off the ground and started moving again, my temperature went up.

I heard the cat meowing on the mountain this morning. I have heard it meowing for the past few days. I don’t know which kind of cat it is. According to legend, bobcats are rather commonplace, and cougars are rather rare or almost extinct in this region, but I have heard many stories from people who claim they saw one, and I believe them. So I don’t know exactly which kind of cat it is that I can hear meowing. I’ve actually seen a bobcat myself, so I know we have them here.

When the cat meows, it sounds like a female, or a young child, with a high voice. It doesn’t sound like a bloodcurdling scream. It’s just a brief ‘yowp’ or ‘yelp.’ It almost sounds like someone calling for help, but not quite. The consonants aren’t strong enough. (If I were still using Propellerheads Reason, I’d remember the word I’m looking for. You can use a synthesizer to make consonant-like sounds, and there’s a special word for them that I can almost remember. – Formant, that’s it. I googled it.) I have listened to YouTube videos of large cats meowing, like cheetahs, and this sounds like that. Bobcats meow too. It meows just once, pauses for a little bit, and then meows again. It doesn’t meow hundreds of times relentlessly, it just does it a few times and then stops. This was in the morning just as the sun was first rising. I just stayed in my tent.

I took a taxi to work today. I DID NOT WALK. I felt like a train had run over me, as I said. If only I could get a shower and get my clothes clean, I’d feel better, so I will have to make that a priority soon. I took $20 out of my cache, leaving $260. I am estimating how much I will need and how long it will take. Even though this feels like a paltry, trivial amount of money, it is an amount greater than zero, and that is what matters. Now, I can at least do an honest, accurate calculation of how long everything will take.

I should post this and get ready for work. I’m having so much anxiety that I don’t want to stop writing, and I still have a lot more to say, but I will have to say it later. And, darn it, I didn’t get to go to the Boalsburg People’s Choice arts festival. But I don’t really want art anyway. I want practical goods. I want handcrafted items for utilitarian purposes, things that are equal to the items you buy in the store, but produced by hand locally. I don’t like the fancy, impractical clothing, for instance, which is pretty and colorful and made of gauzy fragile fabrics that can’t be washed. I have bought things like that in the past and always regretted them. I would find, later on, that they just didn’t look as good as I thought they looked. I would find that it was a hassle to not be able to wash them. I would find that they were purely decorative but did not give me any warmth at all, and yet, they would be long-sleeved shirts that were too warm to wear in hot weather, so you could only wear them in just this one perfect temperature range when it was neither hot nor cold, or you might wear them indoors in a freezing cold air conditioned building, where it’s too cold to wear short sleeves, but not cold enough to wear a jacket. That kind of clothing is impractical for me. I want, more than anything, a traditional, primitive, hand-sewn Inuit fur coat, and sealskin boots. They are the ultimate winter clothing. But the Arctic trip is postponed.

I must post this now.

incapacitating chemical-induced anxiety

July 13, 2013

3:34 PM 7/13/2013

I’m very tired. I walked from town to McDonald’s. I left my bike at the bike shop because it’s had a problem for a couple days now. My basket has caught on one of the cables several times and gradually ripped it open, which exposed the metal wires inside, which broke and rusted. Now I can’t shift gears. I can still shift gears on the back gears, but not the ones on the pedal.

I walked around at the Arts Fest. I haven’t gone to the Boalsburg People’s Choice arts fest yet, and it ends tomorrow. I don’t think I’ll be able to go tomorrow, because I don’t know what time I work.

I had a lot of anxiety today. I wanted to start planning my decon, but felt so anxious and so uncomfortable and miserable and hungry that I could not even think enough to write a to-do list on a piece of paper. I just wanted to go down the mountain and get a cup of coffee. Then I rode the bus into town and walked around at the arts and crafts fest.

I really would like to take a shower, but don’t have time now. I’d go to the YMCA on Waupelani Drive. I’m going to have to just wash off in the sink here at McD, which isn’t very effective, especially because it’s not a private bathroom and I can only wet the washcloth and then go into a stall, or else use the washcloth while still wearing my shirt, and just reach under my shirt to wash my armpits. It gets my shirt all wet.

Mostly the anxiety is what’s bothering me today, and the endless rain. The rain never stops and it makes it much harder to do a decon. But now, it is summer, and the days are shortening, and if I don’t work as quickly as possible, the winter will come and I won’t be able to do any outdoor work again, and another entire year will be lost in an instant, as though no time went by at all, and I will be 39 years old without a child. It HAS to be done QUICKLY. I have enough money now to do what I need to do. I only need a couple days off, and it should ideally be sunny instead of a constant pouring rain like it was this morning.

It is unbelievable how quickly the time flies by. I am not saying this as a cliche. It is gone in an instant. I care about the passing of time because I will lose all of my children if I do not hurry up.

And here is something even worse to think about. I’m planning to hopefully go and meet someone who I have been emailing all this time, so that I can get a reality check by seeing the real person. That is the only way ‘they’ will let me move on. If I cannot be with him, then I am going to have to start from scratch meeting people, telling them my whole life story all over again, being rejected all over again for stupid reasons, and doing this process over and over until I find someone who is willing to have children with me, someone who also meets my criteria of being drug-free.

I have to get ready for work now. The anxiety and the pressure to hurry is bothering me greatly, and I just need to write a to-do list for my decon so that I can get started.

I am sitting in the morning at the diner on the corner

July 11, 2013

(a line from a song that I remember, ‘Tom’s Diner.’).

1:37 PM 7/11/2013

I am eating at the diner this afternoon. I have to go to McD later this evening.

My arthritis has been bad the last couple of days. I suspect that it’s caused by oxidized oils from McDonald’s. Their freezer hasn’t been working very well, and the meats are thawing and refreezing, which is reducing the shelf life of the meat. I think some of the fats in the meat have gone bad, which is causing my arthritis. This is only one theory. Every time I’ve eaten sausage from McD in the last couple days, I’ve had problems. Pork contains some unsaturated oils, which spoil more easily than the fats in other meats like mutton or beef (if I recall).

I wanted to get up and do something productive for the decon this morning before work. But I don’t have caffeine pills at the tent right now, and I didn’t have any coffee. I did, actually, have a bottle of Starbucks frappucino, but that’s so weak that it does almost nothing for me.

I wanted to take pictures of an item that I want to try to sell on Craigslist. It’s a little oven that I bought while severely manic. It was meant to be used with the polymer clay stuff that I bought. I am not opposed to art projects as such, but rather, I can’t do it right now, I don’t have any electricity, and I don’t want to do any of the things that I had imagined I would have to do to get electricity, such as taking the oven to a neighbor’s house. I am getting rid of it because it is a burden, it takes up space, I absolutely will not be using it right now, and I was forced to buy it while manic.

I wanted to take photos of that and also a bike that I’m getting rid of. It’s a long story, but I have an extra bike, and I don’t feel like retelling the story. I didn’t do that this morning, though. I only photographed the little oven.

I had a battle of wills to get up and take the photos. Even the smallest task felt impossible. I remembered this from the past. I have had this problem for decades, being so tired that you can’t even bring yourself to do the simplest things. And I didn’t have caffeine, which sometimes (but not always) can make it easier to do things.

In the past, before the mind control, I was studying self-esteem and time management. Socionically, those things are probably my superego, my weakness.

But while being mind controlled, it is not possible to make decisions about what to do, how much to do at once, when to do it, and what order to do it in. The mind controllers respond this way whenever I start ‘doing things’: they’re like, ‘Oh, she’s up and doing things? Okay, let’s do EVERYTHING WE CAN POSSIBLY DO RIGHT THIS INSTANT!’ They want to force me to do everything at once, simultaneously, without paying attention to what I do or don’t feel like doing or prioritizing right now. They just want to command me to do every single little task that I can possibly do this instant. I suspect that these mind controllers are either ESE or LSE types. If anything, they are some kind of rational type, at the very least. ‘Observing’ is not their strong point. They don’t get this idea of doing whatever my body feels like doing, and quitting when my body feels like quitting, and prioritizing nothing on earth except food, sleep, health, and seeing new territory and having new experiences.

I won’t go into detail on all of the ‘discussion’ that went on, but they allowed me to remember how it used to be when I was doing a battle of wills in the past without caffeine. I judge myself by my will or lack of it. My will is infinite. I can will myself to do anything, merely by willing it. I can will myself to quit caffeine right this instant, for example. They won’t let me use my will freely. It is very, very, very constrained.

When I remembered how it felt to judge myself by my will, and to decide to do things, just by willing them, I wept. I cried and cried for a couple of minutes. I am still under the influence of several drug residues, which are influencing my emotions, so this is not entirely genuine.

Over these years, I have learned so much. I know about transdermal drugs and poisons that influence my health, will, and moods from day to day. I can understand what was causing all of my problems all of my life. I still don’t have a solution for many of those problems: in order to avoid transdermal drugs and poisons, I would have to declare about 99% of the entire world to be untouchable, almost all of the people and places. Now that I know about these things, I can explain why I’ll suddenly be intelligent, motivated, and creative one day, emotionally deep the next day, and shallow, stupid, exhausted, and in pain the next day. I would have unexplained whims. Why would I suddenly become smarter one day, out of nowhere? It always bothered me when I was younger. I also probably was drinking iced tea sometimes too – I didn’t drink soda – and that would have drugged me and caused me to be more intelligent some times than other times. But even when I wasn’t drinking any tea, in college, when I was officially off all chocolate and caffeine, I still noticed variations in how I felt. I always wanted to know what caused them, and now I have much more knowledge about it, though my knowledge is not complete. I still don’t have enough knowledge about how the weather and the air and the electromagnetic fields (naturally occuring) affect it.

I also know that my orthodontic braces, tooth removals, orthodontic retainer, and dental filling caused me to have constant health problems starting in about fourth grade. They literally ruined my life, and I am not exaggerating. Before I got orthodontic stuff done to my teeth, I was a straight-A student, and as soon as I got braces, I became chronically ill, depressed, and miserable, unable to think, unable to care, unable to apply myself to my homework. Then, it got even worse when I began using other chemicals like hairspray, mousse, hair gels, hair perms, makeup (though I didn’t use that much), and other chemicals. Then, it got *much* worse when I got my first mercury-amalgam filling in my teens. I know that chronic illness caused by chemicals and implanted objects ruined my life. I also was poisoned by pesticides in my parents’ house.

So I can control some of the things that made it impossible for me to exercise my will against the pain in the past. But I have not completely solved the problem of my chronic pain and fatigue. I still have arthritis, which is partly caused by oxidized dietary fats, but that is not the only cause. And I don’t have control over my diet yet, because I don’t have a fridge and stove, nor do I have access to foods that are meant to be kept at room temperature, such as pemmican. I can buy pemmican online, but it says it’s not shelf-stable, and can only be kept at room temp for a couple of days. It has to be kept frozen. I’m thinking of buying it and keeping it in my neighbors’ fridge, if they will let me, but that is a project, and I’m saving my money for the decon first. The reason why that costs a lot of money is because it’s an online order, and they require you to buy a minimum amount of stuff – they won’t deliver a tiny order of $10. I can’t remember the name of the site, but could find it again. I have an RSS feed to their blog. It’s US Wellness Meats, or something like that.

But this morning I wept while remembering how it used to be to exercise my will. I could just magically decide to do something, and then do it. If I wanted to quit caffeine, I would just quit it, instantly, by sheer will, right that very moment, and forever. If I wanted to do anything else, I would simply will it. My will was infinite. It was constrained only by the laws of physics and by the circumstances of the society and the people around me. There were limits, but you could sort of assume, theoretically, that the will was unlimited.

At the moment, I have $280 in the cache. I pulled more money yesterday and cached it, because I got my paycheck. I have only a small amount in my checking account and in my wallet, for daily use. $280 is enough to do my decon right now, but I won’t do it until my next days off work. I am doing small steps.

I did finally manage to get up and take some photos of the little oven thing that I’m going to try to sell. When I was about to photograph it, ‘they’ suddenly confused me by telling me about alternative possibilities – you could do this, or you could do this, or you could do this. Now that I describe it that way, it reminds me of Game Night when I was temporarily going to social activities with the Unitarian Universalist church. There was an EIE there, my conflictor – but even though he’s called a conflictor, I loved him. Nathaniel Branden is my conflictor, too, but I have always loved him. The ‘conflict’ is when they use their strong functions, which are in your superego, and those functions conflict with, or prevent you from using, your own strong functions – they are logically incompatible with them.

For example, I have +Se in my base function (according to the socionic model that I use, the one with a plus and minus in each box). +Ne is my third function. If I use +Se to will myself to do one particular activity, it is distracting and confusing if someone else uses +Ne all of a sudden to tell me that there are a million other things that I could possibly be doing instead. Yes, but I have chosen to do this one particular thing, and in order to do it, I must ignore all other possibilities. For now, this one thing is all that exists, and nothing else exists. +Se is focused on this one particular object that I see in front of me right now, and +Ne is focused on a million other possibilities that I can’t see. Whenever I played board games at the church, the EIE guy would give me instructions because I didn’t know how to play the board games, and he would often start to confuse me, because I’d be ready to take an action, only to suddenly be told that there were also half a dozen other things I could possibly do, with a dozen other chains of consequences associated with each one.

So that happened when I was just about to photograph the little oven. Somebody in my head suggested that, instead of trying to sell the oven, I could just trash it instead. Yes, I could. I suddenly became incapacitated and frozen, unable to do anything at all, and just sat there crouching and staring into the open storage tent where the oven was, just staring and doing nothing, while somebody distracted me in my brain with other possibilities. I would rather try to sell it and salvage a small amount of the cost. There was no reason to trash it, because it had never been contaminated. I only prefer to trash things if they are badly contaminated and not safe to give to other people. This oven was never even opened, never even taken out of the box, never set down on contaminated soil, never kept in my car, never touching against a contaminated carpet in an apartment that I had lived in, and never taken out of the double layer of garbage bags that I had it wrapped it. Even if the outer box had been just a little bit contaminated, it would not have been too dangerous to sell. Minor contamination is okay to give to other people. It’s only when it has noticeable amounts of epehedra on it that I absolutely won’t give it to anyone else, and it must go in the garbage. Ephedra is the worst contaminant.

So there was no reason not to sell this little oven, except that it would save time and effort and prevent me from having to do another ‘project’ that required effort, the project of attempting to sell it. I have enough energy that I can do this, and I have enough time. It’s the summer. If it were the beginning of winter, then I would be pressed for time and would have to rush everything, so I would throw stuff in the garbage more often. That’s what I tried to do just before last winter, but I failed. I wasn’t able to finish the decon before winter began, and it started to snow and freeze, and it was an extremely long and horrible winter that never ended. (It still feels like the winter hasn’t ended even now. The last few weeks we’ve had stationary fronts and constant rain.)

Everything failed and was postponed for so long. I *almost* did it. I almost got the decon done just before winter began last year. I was so very, very close. Then I failed, and then, all of my money was destroyed in an instant when I was forced against my will to go to the hotel repeatedly, at a time when I had not yet cached my money in an inconvenient place so I could not use it. Now I have to start from scratch and rebuild my savings so I can afford the decon. I already have enough, though, I’m sure. I’ll surely have enough next week. I don’t need to buy much.

I now believe that money should always be cached in an inconvenient place, a physical place, not the bank. This is especially true after the seizing of money from the bank accounts at Cyprus. The government can and will just take your money from the bank if it decides to. We have the illusion of freedom and the illusion of property rights, still, in the USA, but it could be taken away at any moment. It is only an illusion that they keep up for now, only until it becomes convenient for them to give up the illusion, the pretense of rights and freedoms. You have to keep just enough in the bank to avoid getting fees.

For whatever reason, for now, I have been miraculously lucky, and I have a bank that doesn’t charge me fees. I don’t know how I got so lucky. So it’s okay for me to just have $30 in my account. In the past, I remember being charged a fee for being below the minimum balance. That changed sometime a few years ago.

Oh, I just remembered, I had wanted to go to the Arts Fest. (I was reminded because I saw a coworker walking by, when I looked out the window, and he was walking towards town, and he had said he wanted to go walk around at the fair). I’d also like to go to the one in Boalsburg. It won’t be easy. It’s hard to do these things that require energy when I have to go to work, especially when I’m riding a bike or the bus everywhere. They might finish up before I’m ready to go. I don’t know how long it lasts.

I’m just about ready to leave from this diner – I don’t want to stay here too long, and I feel self-conscious sitting here for hours. But I will definitely leave a tip. She’s refilled my coffee and water glass several times.

I’ve been thinking about implants and alternatives. As I started saying yesterday, I’ve been reading about Implant Syndrome. There was a website that talked about all the various kinds of implants people had and what they were made of, all the different types of metal or plastic in them. This is useful to know, but I have already decided that ALL IMPLANTS CAUSE ILLNESS, no matter what they are made of. It is only more severe, or less severe. I have decided that even mild chronic symptoms are unacceptable. The only time when it might be justified is if you absolutely have to have some implant, or you die right this very instant, like a heart valve – and even that might not be necessary.

I also believe in something which would legally be called ‘neglect’ and would be considered a crime. I’ve read news stories about this kind of thing happening. If your baby is born, and if you fail to give it some kind of medical care and it dies, you can be put in prison for neglect. But I believe in neglect. I believe neglect is the right thing to do. Here is an example: if a baby is born with a heart valve defect, and it’s going to die unless it gets open-heart surgery and a fake heart and a fake heart valve and whatever else, then I believe neglect is the right thing to do. Let the baby die. And next time you have a baby, don’t use prescription antidepressants while pregnant, because prescription antidepressants are one of the major causes of heart valve defects in newborns. I believe in letting the baby die if it’s born with some kind of severe deformity. I might not be able to bring myself to commit infanticide if the baby doesn’t die on its own, but if it does die on its own, let it. This is all connected to the question: are implanted objects really necessary, and how can you avoid getting them? Fake heart valves are one of the ones that they say are life-or-death necessary.

Are they, though? Can you avoid getting a fake heart valve implanted? Can you live without one? If so, how? Is there a way? I read a ‘horror story’ recently about someone who had been debating whether or not he should go to surgery to get a fake heart valve implanted, and, sadly, a few weeks later, he was found dead in his bed (apparently because of the heart problem). But was his cause of death really the heart problem? How did he survive to adulthood without this problem being diagnosed? Why did it kill him ‘all of a sudden?’ Is there a way to prevent that? Were lifestyle factors involved? Was there a straw that broke the camel’s back? Were there other poisons, like sulfites, for example, that can cause apnea, which contributed to his dying in bed? In other words, can anything be done at all to avoid having someone get an implanted fake heart valve, anything to help them survive without it? Modern medicine always assumes the answer is ‘no,’ and that ‘random chance’ decides your exact moment of death, and that it’s not worth the trouble of asking for any detailed explanation of the exact causes so that you can avoid them somehow.

All implanted objects, no matter what they are, no matter what their purpose, should absolutely be avoided at all costs, because they cause chronic illness ranging from mild to severe. All of them cause illness. There are no implanted objects that do not cause illness. There are no special materials that are tolerated by the body. There are only variations in how severe the illness is, and there are variations in how observant someone is and how much they pay attention to pain and sickness. If they are someone who just dismisses pain and ignores it and just swallows a bunch of drugs and antidepressants to get through every day, then they are not aware that their constant pain is caused by chronic implant poisoning, implant syndrome. Some people just don’t pay attention to the causes of their sickness, and don’t care to, and never will. Does that mean their implant isn’t causing illness? No, it just means that their attention isn’t focused on such things, and they aren’t able to verbalize ideas such as ‘I used to always feel healthy and energetic and painless, but after I got this implant, I constantly feel pain, here, here, here, and here, in these joints, and in these muscles, and all over my whole skin, and I can’t move quickly, and I can’t motivate myself, etc, etc.’ Not everyone is capable of verbalizing such observations. And even if they could, they might have contempt for such things, and not want to complain about them. Yes, okay, I have pain, but who cares. I’m fine. That doesn’t mean that their implant isn’t making them sick, it just means that they have contempt for talking about pain and they aren’t willing or able to describe exactly what their implant is doing to them. They will stubbornly insist that nothing is wrong, while continuing to walk around miserable and in pain, using drugs to get through every day, in a bad mood, mistreating everyone around them, yelling and being abusive because their body is sick and they don’t admit it. That doesn’t mean their implant isn’t making them sick. *ALL* implants cause chronic illness.

People will say ‘It’s a trade-off.’ You receive chronic illness in exchange for… something. I received it in exchange for straight teeth. I received it in exchange for plugging a cavity that actually didn’t need to be plugged. If I had known, if I had had a choice, I would never have filled the cavity. Ignorance, and the lack of the internet, guided my parents’ decisions. If I’d had the internet, and if I’d been knowledgeable and old enough to make decisions, I would not have gotten the filling. And when I got the second one as an adult, if I had known, I wouldn’t have gotten that one either. But now I know. No matter what happens, never get a dental filling or any implanted substance in your teeth at all, regardless of the material it’s made of.

So I’m wondering which implants can be avoided, and how. My mom almost got paralyzed, and I wondered how she could live without a steel rod in her back. Could she have an exoskeleton instead? Anything outside the body is less harmful than something inside it. The price you pay is that you are visibly walking around with some exoskeleton around you, but you don’t suffer chronic illness. I imagined an exoskeleton made of bamboo or some other light wood, and not the high-tech super-expensive things that you can read about on the internet, the high-tech ones. I’m imagining instead a do-it-yourself cheapo exoskeleton. I am thinking of bamboo because there is a big stand of bamboo growing in Lemont and I go past it every day. It grows here easily in this climate and is plentiful, and extremely useful and strong and lightweight, and it grows quickly. It is an ideal building material and definitely should be used more often for housing and for scaffolding, like they do in Asia. Environmentalists love bamboo, and I agree. It’s a great substitute for wood, so you don’t have to chop down trees. Asians have used bamboo for everything, including bridges that are strong enough for cars to drive across.

I’ll go ahead and post this now so I can get out of this diner. I’m starting to get embarrassed about sitting here for hours.

Mania: making me laugh at people’s mistakes

July 10, 2013

6:10 PM 7/10/2013

My coworker is training a new girl at work. The new girl made a mistake. She was cooking meat. We have two kinds of hamburger meat: reg (regular) meat, and quarter meat (for quarter pounders). Reg meat is smaller, so you can cook more of them at a time. Quarter meat is the larger kind, so you cook fewer of them, for a longer time.

She had reached into the wrong box and gotten out the quarter meat instead of the reg meat, and then, she had cooked it on the reg meat setting, and she had arranged it on the grill in the reg meat pattern. The grill opened up when it was finished, and all the meat was pink and not cooked, and obviously arranged in the wrong pattern, so that it didn’t fit on the grill. ‘Oh – that’s quarter meat,’ said the guy who was training her.

I looked at this from a short distance away, and I had to swallow my laughter. If I hadn’t suppressed it, I would have been howling. It was the funniest thing I had seen in weeks. She was all ashamed and embarrassed and she apologized. He helped her fix it. I was over there turning my face away and burying my face in my upper arm and violently heaving with silent suppressed laughter while the tears trickled out of my eyes. I didn’t want to hurt her by laughing at her mistake. Things happen. But it was so unexpected. New people do things that don’t even occur to me anymore. I was laughing almost uncontrollably. Sometimes, when people make mistakes too quickly before I catch myself, if I don’t expect it, I might burst out laughing before I can stop it.

On the other hand, a similar incident happened several days before, and it had a completely different emotional tone. On July 4th, we had a new guy working, but nobody liked him. He was annoying almost everyone. He had been there for several days, and was routinely showing up half an hour late, or more. Someone told me he was a socialist. When I heard this, I said, ‘Yeah, that fits.’ It fits because he was so incompetent and so lazy that it was understandable that he would want rich people to do all the work and pay for him to live. He would come in and talk about how we should throw a party and just eat all the food from McDonald’s for free.

On July 4th, a building burned down somewhere nearby. Somebody ordered 250 hamburgers to give to the firemen and to the tenants of the apartment and to anyone else who was there helping. We got this order unexpectedly, and the new guy was on the grill.

The new guy panicked. He put down so much reg meat on one grill that it didn’t fit under the platen, the lid that closes down over the meat to cook it. But when it opened up, he didn’t even seem to notice or care that many of the burgers were half-cooked and pink because they hadn’t been all the way under the platen. He just didn’t even look at anything at all, most of the time. He would just do things wrong and not even bother to ask how to do it and not even notice or care that he had made a mistake. He had been there for several days and had been shown multiple times how to cook meat properly on the grill.

When this happened, he started to just pick up the meat with the spatula and was about to put it into the tray as though there was nothing wrong with it. ‘Oh dear God, no!’ I whimpered in agony, turning my face away – I said this into the ear of another coworker who was there with me, watching in horror. ‘Hey!’ yelled the coworker. He then started yelling at him telling him that the meat wasn’t cooked and that he couldn’t use it like that. He actually got very mad and was yelling a lot, and the guy who did it wasn’t responding in the right way to satisfy him – he was giving him the wrong attitude. I don’t recall exactly what he said – he seemed to act like it was a joke or no big deal, if I recall. He didn’t seem to comprehend the seriousness of giving people a whole bunch of completely uncooked burgers. And it was annoying to everyone because he had been shown how to do this several times already. Most people don’t keep making those kinds of mistakes after they’ve been working there for several days and have been shown several times how to do it properly.

The guy who yelled at him ended up getting yelled at by the manager, for yelling. He was told to leave. He had been very angry and knocked over a trash can on his way out. We then continued making the 250 burgers. Someone else got on grill instead of the new guy, and the new guy was sent to the table to wrap the burgers instead. Eventually, I was on grill cooking meat while everyone else wrapped the burgers, and we got it done, and the people thanked us and told us we had done a good job.

This is the new girl’s first day, and we were watching and keeping an eye on her, so it wasn’t the same kind of thing. It was hilarious to me this time.