Archive for May, 2014

My tent was infiltrated by a bear with a laser beam

May 30, 2014

2:10 PM 5/30/2014

I’m having Illness Rebound today. Sometimes after I get sick, I have a day when I feel really, really good afterwards. I got a cold or something in the past couple days, but all of a sudden, today I feel really good and almost happy and expectant, like something good is about to happen.

It might also be because I went to my tent. I found that it was *mostly* okay. I was a bit worried about it in the background of my mind.

The rebound phenomenon provides evidence for the theory that chronic fatigue and depression are caused by a chronic virus. Perhaps when I catch another virus, it makes my immune system more active, and maybe it fights against the chronic virus a little bit at the same time. That’s my theory. I know that when my chronic illness began, just a little before the year 2000 – maybe 1998 – I and my boyfriend had a serious illness of some kind that lasted about a month, and so did many other people in the town, who all had the same symptoms I did. One weird specific symptom was a feeling of weakness and fatigue in the neck. I didn’t want to hold my head up. I talked to other people who were spontaneously saying, ‘I feel like I can’t hold my head up.’

I am also perking up a little bit because I bought all those groceries and now I am eating a variety of good foods again. I’m using my juicer today and I just made ‘parrot juice’ (at random), a mixture of pear and carrot. The juicer is best for hard solid objects, but not very good with fruits that are very ripe and soft. It’s great for carrots, celery, hard pears, broccoli, etc, but if you try to put oranges in there, it will juice them but it will also throw around a bunch of soft pulp which is still full of juice and ought to be ‘recycled’ somehow in the machine, so you lose a lot of potential juice. If you put ripe kiwis in there, as I was about to do (but changed my mind), or ripe pears, it will just turn them into sludge and then pour some of the sludge out the ‘juice’ end, throw some of the sludge around everywhere under the lid, and throw some of the sludge into the pulp waste container. This is not the only kind of juicer that exists. There are other kinds. I read about a
‘macerating’ juicer that works by crushing, and I’d like to see it.

My tent had not been ransacked… not really. However, as I approached, I saw a bag of something sitting a few yards away to the left. I went and picked it up. It was a bag of my cleaning products. I was bewildered. I decided that maybe some helpful human had decided to go through my tent and then remove anything that might attract bears. ‘Thank you for your paranoia,’ I said, laughing. I didn’t believe that floral smelling cleaning products and dish soap would attract bears.

I dug through my tent and removed some trash and put it in bags, and I found my silver which I am going to sell. Then I suddenly noticed a hole in the side of the tent. It was a small flap cut in the corner of the tent, with a perfect non-ragged edge and a ninety degree angled corner. There was one tiny hole in the fabric next to it that had been poked, but it looked like it had been cut there with a laser beam. Some animal had sliced into the side of the tent and then precision-extracted nothing but the bag of cleaning products, which had been right down there in the corner exactly where it had sliced it open, as though it could see through the tent with its x-ray vision.

Last time anything like this happened, it was a skunk getting into my trash bags and extracting an ancient, rotten, dried-out, spoiled Egg McMuffin that had been sitting squashed in the bottom of my backpack for months, and it extracted it from the exact position in the bag where it was located, so that it didn’t have to burrow underneath anything to get it.

Did a skunk cut through my tent? Or was it a bear? The whole tent itself looked perfectly normal, and I didn’t even notice it had been laser-beamed open at the corner until shortly before I was about to leave. (I duct-taped it shut again for the short term.)

I had bags of dried food in the tent, but nobody took them, just the cleaning products! I had some Craisins, corn chips, and dates (I got rid of them all because they’re old and I just didn’t really want to eat them.)

I also took a picture of a weird flower that I sort of want to identify, but was too lazy to bother looking up. It’s on those umbrella plant thingies that grow close to the ground.

I was very happy to smell the fresh air. Air from a forest is very different from urban and suburban air. It contains negative ions (which are good for you), and also the fresh humid moist smell of vegetation which is breathing. All the trees and plants and soil are breathing and excreting moisture and other substances and fragrances. The soil itself is full of life, full of fungus and insects and rotting organic matter and leaves and sticks, and a smell comes from it. I do not have any of those smells here at this apartment. I have some nice flowers nearby, and freshly mowed lawns, but I don’t have the forest soil smell or the breathing plants smell.

I’m glad that a human hasn’t taken down my tent. I didn’t mean to leave it there and had no intention of polluting. I don’t want to leave objects that won’t decay. I really wanted to get back to my tent and take it down, all this time, but couldn’t do it for various reasons. I don’t want anyone else to have to do my work for me, so I don’t want other people feeling like it’s their duty to clean up after me because I’m so careless and rude that I’ll just abandon a tent forever to rot.

Today I am spontaneously cleaning up some stuff and washing dishes and laundry, which is one reason why I said I was having the Illness Rebound Phenomenon.

Also, with the photos, if you ever want to see one at a larger size, you can right-click it and open it in a new tab or new window. That gets you out of the gallery thing. If you just click it, it puts you in a gallery, and that’s okay as long as you don’t want to zoom in or look more closely. You can only see one small size in the gallery and can’t see the detail, and there are no buttons to let you view it at a larger size, just an arrow to let you go to the next image. You can see a larger image in a new window though.

Oops! I just looked again. You *can* view the full size image, it’s just something you have to scroll down to see. It isn’t right there next to the photo, but a little down below it.

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I’m going to eat a fungus

May 30, 2014

Yesterday I cooked fried eggs with little sliced ‘normal’ mushrooms mixed in. The normal mushrooms are just the familiar American kind which I don’t know the name of, but I guess they do have some official name. I don’t remember if these mushrooms were organic or not. Mushrooms are like sponges, and they soak up tons of oil during cooking when they are still in the spongy state, but later on, when they start to shrink and become rubbery, the oil and water start to come back out of the mushroom and go back into the pan.

I’m going to try a weird Chinese fungus today. It’s white fungus, and it grows on wood. I think I’ve eaten it before in Chinese food. It’s been sitting around for the last couple months here in my apartment ever since I went to the Asian market, and I just haven’t bothered to eat it. All you have to do is soak it in water and it softens quickly in a couple minutes. It’s sold dried in a bag. They’re very pretty and flowery shaped.

I don’t expect anything bad to happen, but I guess I could have an allergic reaction and go to the hospital or something.

I still need to figure out how to control the way my uploaded pictures are displayed. I want to make sure it never says ‘gallery.’ I want them to be displayed individually. But this requires time and effort and mental focus and a hassle for me to learn. I don’t want ‘nice features’ that are ‘automatically’ put on for me and then don’t let me customize them afterwards. If it puts it into a gallery for you, you can’t undo the gallery and work with the individual pictures, or at least, I don’t know how, and if I want to do it, I now have to waste my time learning something.

in Lemont, about to check on the tent

May 28, 2014

1:46 PM 5/28/2014

I’ve made it as far as the Lemont Cafe. I’m about to go check on my tent and get my silver so I can sell it. I will find out if the tent has been ransacked, because it’s been weeks since I went up there, since I have been depressed and exhausted and suffering from a chronic fatigue attack. And, as usual, a drug that I used as an
antidepressant only made me more fatigued – ginkgo biloba – although it did have a few helpful effects now and then. I just wanted to try it.

I have to walk up the hill pushing my bike. It’s been ages since I did that. I brought my bike for a reason: I might bring down bags of trash and put them in the dumpster. It’s easier to carry them by hanging them or piling them on my bike.

I have to worry about my hair now. I have several long combed out locks that have been braided, and they are very thin and they tend to unbraid at the ends, so now I have loose hair. It’s been years since I had long loose hair, and I have to worry about it catching and snagging on things. I also have millions of loose hairs escaping and getting all over my bedroom and my clothes. I’ve been putting the wads of loose hair into a bag when I comb my locks, but a few pieces are still escaping. When the hair is locked, the disconnected hairs are trapped in the lock and never come loose, so you have almost no loose hairs lying on the floor, in the drain, or on your clothes. After I get combed I’ll be losing hairs every day. Our bathtub drain needs to be unclogged sometime anyway, and it will be even worse once I start contributing to it.

I’m a little nervous about the tent. It’s been so long since I went up there. I meant to take it down long ago but have been
incapacitated. I’ll finish eating and then start walking up the hill. It will take quite a while to get there.

I’m hoping to try to go to church this evening, although I don’t expect to see Jesse. I get the impression he doesn’t go a lot on Wednesday evenings, although I don’t know for sure. I will have to just innocently go to church for church-related purposes and to understand what exactly those purposes are and understand why other people go to church. I’m just trying to see if there is anything I can gain at all by going to church, or if it will not be helpful for me in any way at all. If I can learn something from it, or make friends with people, or socialize, or have interesting conversations, or do social networking, or something, it might be useful. I won’t be able to make myself believe in God and sincerely worship and orient my life around God.

No more starving

May 27, 2014

I just went out and spent over $100 at the grocery store. The magic money printing machine shall henceforth be activated just in time for me to pay my rent. I bought all kinds of bizarre and random things, although I didn’t experiment as much as I would have liked, but I’ll save that for when I feel a little better and can get over to Wegmans or to an Asian market or something. I even bought baby food in jars. I’ve eaten it before. I don’t believe in feeding your children baby food from a jar. If you must mash up food for them, do it yourself by chewing the food in your mouth, then French-kissing the baby to deliver the prechewed food. This is the old fashioned way, and it’s where French kissing came from, and it explains why we like to do it. But I sometimes eat baby food for fun, and I bought it on impulse because I was walking down every aisle in the store and went past the baby food.

I like to understand what babies and animals experience when we force them to eat something or live a certain way. I understand how it feels for that dog to be locked in a crate all day long. It’s like jail. And it has no choice of food, and when it goes outside it’s on a leash, so it can’t chase the rabbits and eat them. I know this is wrong. Babies have a similar situation. They’re helpless and cannot get food, and they cannot escape from the house. They eat cooked, processed food in jars, and they eat even worse stuff in their chemical baby formulas. Try baby formula yourself, if you’re too stupid to understand what’s causing your baby to be miserable and cry all day long, and scream, and have gas, and feel sick. Eat nothing but baby food and powdered chemical infant formulas, and see how *you* feel (I don’t know if all of them come in the form of a powder – I’ve never bought them and I never will – this universe will end before I feed my future baby infant formula from the store.).

I will just eat and try to recover from my misery, and then I will move on to other things besides complaining about my lack of food. I have several options for how I will operate the Magic Money Printing Machine, and I will consider which ones to use and how exactly I will go about it, and I already have an offer of help from someone who may buy my silver. I’m not worried now.

Malted milk powder: very addictive and malnourishing, during a time when I had nothing else to eat but that

May 27, 2014
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12:09 PM 5/27/2014

I was trying to find a substitute for the expensive bottles of Starbucks Frappuccinos that I always drink, because I ran out of money. I got malted milk powder, and also buttermilk powder, and have tried both of them.

I actually need to go on a dairy-free diet. Dairy products cause problems for me, and these are not the usual type of problems that people complain about when they want to go on a dairy-free diet. I don’t notice digestive problems from dairy, I notice hormone problems. I need to test milk from other animals, other breeds of cows, and grassfed animals not treated with any shots, vaccinations, hormones, antibiotics, etc. For whatever reason, most ‘normal’ milk from the grocery store contains an unknown hormone-like substance, and since I don’t have my own chemistry lab at home, I can’t analyze it to find out exactly what it is. I can only observe its effects: it causes excessive sexual arousal. I’m not anti-sex, but I am able to notice major and extreme changes in my levels of sexual arousal caused by drinking lots of milk. It also causes emotional problems and a feeling of loneliness, grief, and loss, and desperate clingy behavior and weepiness (I’ve done that many times in the past, and it chases the men I want away from me, while attracting the wrong men, usually because I’ll go to a dating website or something when I’m in those moods, and get bombarded with requests). It also affects the opioid receptors with its proteins (caseomorphin, if I recall) and causes addiction and withdrawal. I know all of this through personal experience, observation, and reading online.

Anyway, after testing this malted milk powder, I strongly suspect it is an anti-nutrient that causes starvation just like the millet did. Its effects are less severe. I looked at the ingredient list, and it even contains sodium bicarbonate – baking soda.

This raises questions. If phytic acid in grains is the cause of the problems people have with grains, couldn’t you just neutralize the phytic acid with a base? I got this idea from learning about nixtamalizing corn with ashes. Ashes mixed with water create lye, a base, used as a soap. What if you just soaked all your grains in bases? I don’t necessarily want to do this, and I would rather just eat a grain-free diet, but I have to find out if it works.

I noticed the starving feeling while using this malted milk powder. I was starving because I had no other foods in the house except for things that were difficult to prepare and hard to eat (the frozen fish), and I tend to just grab and eat whatever requires the least amount of preparation whenever I am in one of my ‘hibernation’ phases where I can’t do anything but sit around at home feeling miserable.

I would drink a cup of coffee with this malted milk powder, and then a while later, I would want more. It gave me a painful feeling in my abdomen which I describe as ‘starving’ because it’s different from feeling full, and it makes me want to eat something to ease the pain.

However, now that I looked at the ingredient list again, I wonder: could baking soda actually be causing some of this problem? I had severe stomach problems when I took an antacid pill, so I learned that it’s actually bad for you to use bases to destroy the acid in your stomach. I was a little bit nauseated when I was at work, at a different job years ago, and my coworker offered me an antacid. Shortly after I took the antacid, I began having extreme, unusual symptoms that I *never* had normally: severe heartburn, reflux, and pain in my stomach like I had an ulcer. It was caused by the antacid. That was how I learned that antacids cause the very symptoms they are said to cure. Destroying your own stomach acid is bad for you. I’m guessing it probably allows harmful bacteria such as H. pylori to grow into the walls of your stomach. I also know that drinking polluted tap water filled with heavy metals causes stomach problems.

This painful starving feeling in my abdomen made me want to just drink more and more of the malted milk coffee. It’s like alcoholism. I understand alcoholism from my own experience, even though I have never drunk alcohol except for a few tiny sips – never in my life. I have reasons why I don’t. I absolutely forbid all alcohol, because I already know I would be the world’s biggest alcoholic, and it would kill me. It killed my paternal grandmother before I was born. My brother and I both swore never to drink.

But I become addicted to other things. If I get a bottle of Coke, I do nothing but drink Coke until it’s all gone, and then I want to get more. And I do the same thing with those bottles of Starbucks Frappuccino. I get these addictions where I drink something, which temporarily comforts me, but then causes an intense hunger not long after, and it’s more than just ‘blood sugar swings,’ which is what the conventional wisdom has been saying. It’s more than that. It’s a feeling of starving.

I think there might be something more than just phytic acid in grains. Phytic acid is ‘all the rage’ with the groups of people who are eating grain-free diets. But there are millions of chemicals naturally occurring in all foods, and we’ve picked out just one chemical out of those millions and focused on it as the culprit. What if there are other substances in grains causing problems? Millet – that was the worst, and then I read an article saying millet also contained some kind of goitrogen, something that affects the thyroid. It wasn’t merely the phytic acid in millet causing problems for me, it was the goitrogens as well. What if something similar is going on with other grains?

I want to try processing grains with ashes and acids, but I also just want to eat a grain-free diet. There are a couple things getting in the way and preventing me from getting on the special diet. Here are those obstacles:

1. When I work at TB, an unknown factor causes me to become extremely, intensely, painfully hungry, and the only thing that can pacify me is coffee with milk. It’s like a cigarette craving. I do not know for certain whether it’s caused by a transdermal drug residue on my clothing, or a vapor in the air coming off the food, or some other unknown factor, but it is clearly and definitely associated with working at TB. It causes a tickle in my throat which also feels similar to an urge to gag, similar to nausea, but which gets interpreted as hunger and craving. The tickle is extremely mild and usually subconscious, not obvious, and very low-level and subtle. I can only perceive these things because I have attempted to resist cravings before.

2. The electronic attacks. I suspect my cravings are sometimes being triggered by the attackers. It is most noticeable when I am making an effort to change my diet and resist and observe cravings. They are sometimes associated with ‘voices.’ I’ve had incidents where they suggest that I go buy something that I’m craving even though I don’t want to, and actually, they are the reason why I began drinking caffeine when originally caffeine was strictly forbidden. When I was in college, I voluntarily made my own rule to never use any caffeine at all, and I even stopped eating chocolate. But when I began having health problems here in State College, PA, ‘they’ had this long dialogue with me in my head, and I remember actually lying down and arguing with the voices in my head, but back then, I mistakenly believed that those were just my own ‘internal’ voices disagreeing with me, rather than voices coming from an external person using an electronic weapon to put voices in my head.

They urged me to try caffeine even though it was strictly forbidden, and I began drinking coffee and have mostly been unable to stop except during a few brief periods of time, and the caffeine is now causing other problems that I didn’t have in the past. It worsens the quality of my sleep, it affects my mood and my happiness, it makes me less peaceful, it makes me less able to tolerate bad music – yes, I noticed that particular symptom when I quit caffeine – I suddenly became able to endure, and even enjoy, some of the horrible music that I normally hated when I was on caffeine. Caffeine just made me less tolerant. I also lost creativity, probably from loss of sleep. My mind is different, less creative, less complex, less interesting, less full of life, than it was when I was totally and strictly caffeine-free. I am also less motivated. When I am caffeine-free, all I need is lots and lots of sleep, and suddenly I can motivate myself to take action.

Self-motivation is extremely important, and caffeine has destroyed it. The electronic attacks destroy it too; however, when I am
caffeine-free, I can slightly motivate myself to do simple tasks spontaneously, without having to do a huge summoning-up-the-willpower process. For example I might spontaneously get up and do the laundry, or something, without it having to be a big huge deal. The fact that ‘they’ continue forcing and urging me to use caffeine is an indication that they do NOT want me to be capable of spontaneously self-motivating for any reason, even for the simplest household chores. They have demonstrated this many times before – not even the simplest chores are allowed. I will be attacked if I meditate and use my mind to visualize doing some kind of household task that will make my life easier in some way.

The job at TB and the mysterious craving phenomenon is undermining all attempts to quit coffee. I need a job where there are no cravings being triggered by unknown factors. I have some theories about what might cause it, and I can’t control that factor – one theory is that a vapor, a smell or chemical, comes from some of the foods there, which are filled with many additives. It may also be a naturally occurring substance in beans, because beans contain opioid proteins just like other foods. The opioid protein phenomenon is something that I don’t understand yet, because almost all foods that contain protein contain things which could be considered opioid proteins and which could be viewed as causing addictions, yet these are healthy necessary foods. I won’t go into all my theories about this right now.

3. The ephedra. I was forced to move into this apartment before I finished my soil decontamination at the tent; as a result, I have ephedra footprints on the floor. I can feel them when I quit caffeine. They also probably contain some tobacco residues as well, but I mostly detect ephedra. It is intolerable unless I use caffeine. When I use caffeine, the unbearable discomfort of transdermal ephedra disappears. When I stop using caffeine, I can feel every molecule of ephedra on my skin making me miserable. It is a much lower concentration than it was in the other apartment in the past when the incident first occurred; however, with ephedra, even just a single molecule causes intense and unbearable reactions. It is an utterly life-ruining poison. So I use caffeine in order to tolerate the presence of ephedra in this house.

4. I ran out of money. This problem will soon be fixed. I’m working more hours, and McD will reopen soon, so I’ll have two jobs and control my work schedule, and I’m also probably going to sell my silver, since I need to get rid of it anyway for various reasons. But I couldn’t buy lots of good food, so I bought junk and powdered instant food substitutes instead, which is why I’ve been doing nothing but sitting at home drinking instant espresso with malted milk powder. This will soon be fixed, as I said, so I will go back to eating more solid foods and meats and vegetables and fruits.

But the other obstacles are still there, even though #4 will be fixed. The most distressing one is the unknown factor causing severe and unbearable cravings in my workplace, because I don’t know exactly what it is. I know exactly what is causing the other factors, although I cannot fix the problem of the electronic attacks without a shield – and ‘they’ have been making it difficult for me to even build my extremely simple, basic, jury-rigged aluminum foil shield, which I am planning to use for the purpose of observing what goes on in my mind and body whenever I slightly reduce (attenuate) the strength of the ambient radio waves from cell phones. I’ll prove that the foil is working for this purpose by testing my cell phone inside the foil shield. You can test it yourself. Wrap your phone in a couple layers of foil, then try to call the phone. It won’t work. Ordinary foil is capable of reducing electromagnetic fields at the cell phone frequency. So I wanted to test this on my body – what sensations would I observe in a place where cell phone frequencies were reduced? But they are making it hard for me to even build my foil shield.

First, when I started building it, I suddenly got a notice that all the apartments were going to get an inspection, so I took apart the little bit of the shield that I had set up (it wasn’t done yet) because I was embarrassed that people would come in and see it during the inspection. Then, last night, ‘they’ urged me to start trying to put it back together again, and only a minute after I began, my roommate came home (and I was quietly muttering and mumbling and thinking out loud, and it’s embarrassing to be caught talking to myself, but it helps me think through a difficult task – but I have no door, just a curtain, because I’m in the living room, which is why my rent is only $280 a month – so they can hear me mumbling out loud when they walk by), and I don’t like to work with the foil when anybody is home, because it makes these extremely loud, echoing crinkly crackly noises that reverberate throughout the entire house, so that everyone knows I’m doing something weird with foil in my bedroom. I just don’t want people knowing about it, thinking about it, or being aware of it and having unasked questions about what the hell I’m doing in my room that requires me to be loudly crinkling and rattling a bunch of aluminum foil for hours at a time. Okay, maybe less than an hour to build the shield, but still – I cannot even work on it for an uninterrupted hour without some kind of obstacle or incident. ‘They’ do not want me to succeed quickly at building even this extremely weak, fragile, nearly useless cell phone frequency shield, even though I do not expect it to help with the attacks at all – their weapons are able to go through it. But they don’t even want me to experiment with this one simple thing that won’t even stop their attacks!

Anyway, the original purpose of this was to complain about the malted milk powder. Even though it’s malted – the barley has been sprouted before it was made into powder – that didn’t eliminate an unknown substance which causes starvation and addiction, and I don’t know whether that substance is phytic acid in the grain, an unknown substance in the grain, or a substance added to the powder, such as the soy lecithin or the sodium bicarbonate. And I’ve actually been planning to buy and test sodium bicarbonate for processing grains – I might find out that the baking soda itself causes problems for me. But, we’ll see. It is actually on my grocery list and I’m going to start doing tests with it soon. Anyway, it is an addictive and non-sustaining food, and the most that it might do is temporarily prevent *caloric* starvation – I did get calories by eating this food, but calories was all I got, and aside from giving me calories, it seems to have an addiction-causing, anti-nutritive effect through an unknown process.

It actually makes me feel sad and guilty to accuse this malted milk powder of being something bad. It tastes good, and it’s associated with wholesome images (old-fashioned malt milkshakes, etc), and the back of the bottle says ‘Made with the Goodness of Natural Barley.’ Advertising. But, I have to judge all these foods for my own survival.

I used to love art and music

May 26, 2014

11:50 PM 5/26/2014

I think I was working overnights at McD when I first heard this song. They used to have radio over the intercom in the lobby, and I think it was some satellite radio station, one of those things that plays the same songs over and over again. I remember I heard Coldplay’s song ‘Viva la Vida,’ and I was sweeping the floors in the lobby and singing ‘sweep the streets I used to own…’ and thinking about how far I had fallen from what I had hoped to become.

I also heard ‘We Will Become Silhouettes,’ and did a google search to find the fragments of the lyrics that I was able to hear. They say that when nuclear bombs go off it actually causes people’s bodies to leave a shadow burned on surfaces near where they were, a silhouette of them, but I don’t remember how that works. I still love certain parts of that song.

I would like to find more songs like that but haven’t had time to go song hunting, and haven’t had money to buy songs, and don’t have a CD player or MP3 player right now anyway, so song hunting is postponed, along with song writing. I had decided in my adulthood that writing music was more important to me than drawing or painting or making cartoons, because I myself didn’t really experience very much when I looked at a painting, but I was moved by music to feel strong feelings. But if you combine really good music, with a good storyline and beautiful drawings, then you can make an extremely beautiful cartoon movie.

Forgettial Day

May 26, 2014

I did not remember that it was Memorial Day. I don’t support government-sponsored wars, so I do not experience a lot of positive emotions associated with the memories of people who died in those wars. I just feel disgusted at the waste of good human lives. More people dead for no reason, so that the government and the banks could become bigger and richer.

I forgot it was Memorial Day. I tried to get on the bus. I waited, and waited at the bus stop, and the bus never came. I thought, maybe it’s because Penn State’s classes have ended and we’re on the reduced bus schedule for summer. So I waited a little longer, but I saw no buses anywhere, so I just went on my bike.

I tried to go to the UPS Store, but it was closed, and that’s when I suddenly remembered what day it was. I was going to get my mail.

I went on and was thinking I might go over to the mountain to go up to my tent and get some stuff out and clean it up and prepare to take it down. But I am so tired now that I’m just going to turn around and go home. I took a whole ginkgo pill this morning, and felt nothing at all for many hours, but now, it is finally affecting me, mostly just making me very tired. I’m out of shape, since I don’t ride my bike or walk much anymore now that I am not living on Nittany Mountain.

I will just go again tomorrow when the buses run again. I want to go most of the way there on the bus, then walk up the hill to my tent, and that will prevent me from being so exhausted. And it will probably rain or something tomorrow – I think it will – which will make me not want to go. But I am so tired now, I can’t do it. I’m just going home – it will get done, just not today.

more combing of my dreadlocks

May 26, 2014

1:50 PM 5/26/2014

I am not sick from anything I ate yesterday. There are no unusual symptoms at all. Then again, I did not eat very much of either the raw egg or raw fish – if I ate a bunch of either of them, I might be sicker.

It is actually not true that I’ve been doing nothing but sitting here. I am still combing out my dreadlocks, and on the days when it seems like I’ve been doing nothing, that’s usually what I’ve been doing.

I won’t go into detail on this right now, but due to the way dreadlocks grow, they tend to start tangling together at the base, near your scalp. Most people either rip them apart or cut them apart when they do this. They call it a ‘congo’ lock when several locks tangle together.

I did not cut or rip my hair when the locks tangled together, because I believed that all this cutting and ripping would add up to long term damage – I would have millions of ripped and cut short hairs later on if I ever combed out my locks, and I suspected I would someday comb them out. I began this experiment in 2009, so my locks are now five years old. They have all completely tangled together into one giant lock which now sticks out of the back of my head like a ponytail. This is also due to using shampoo, but again, I’m not going into all the details of how it works today.

WordPress did something *really* annoying the last time I attached photos to one of my emailed blog posts, and I’m wondering if it will do it again. It never did it before, then suddenly began doing it, which means the retards that make this website wanted to ‘update’ or ‘improve’ something (which means, fix what ain’t broken, and thereby cause it to break and become unusable when it was fine before). I attached several pictures to an emailed blog, and when they appeared on my site, they were in some kind of ‘slideshow’ format or something, which I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!

So I am going to mail this with some pictures, and I might have to go tinker with the post to undo the harm that was done if it
automatically puts it into that insane slideshow format when all I want are plain pictures. I absolutely hate ALL slideshow formats (that’s not the right word, but I can’t remember the right word – you have to click an arrow to go to the next photo in the series, instead of seeing them all laid out side by side) on all web pages where they appear. I passionately hate this particular trend in web design. So I’ll try it and see if it happens again today, and if it does happen, I am going to quit my job today and I will build my own non-insane blogging site that isn’t run by retards.

Anyway, I now have several long thin braids on the back of my hair. Those are the partially combed out locks. I can’t comb them all the way up to the scalp, because at the scalp they all merge into one, so I have to comb all the little locks out as far up as I can, and then I will move on to the merged part. It may take several more months, especially since I’m going to be working more hours at my job for a while. I know I will get it done by the end of this year for sure. It’s actually easy now that I have gotten through the worst of the ends of the monster locks – it goes very quickly after you get to the straight, ‘mature’ part of the dreadlock.

You can see in the photos that the long, thin braids are down to my waist. However, they are extremely thin. There is almost no hair left by the time they get down that far. The locks are like an inch thick or more on my scalp. It’s so thick that I can lie in my bed with my head pressed against the wall without a pillow as I read a book or look at my laptop. The hair is a cushion. I’m going to be extremely bald looking when I have combed it all out. I really have hardly any hair at all. I might actually do a different dreadlocks experiment after I have combed these out, under different conditions – I’m not sure yet, and I’ll see how I feel after they are all gone.

My hair won’t grow any longer than waist length. It is genetically (or epigenetically?) programmed to only grow that long, and then, each hair stops growing after a particular amount of time, falls out, and regrows again from the roots. Some people’s hair cells have a longer cycle of time, so that their individual hairs may grow for several decades before they stop and fall off, which is why some people can grow Guinness-Book hair lengths, while others never can. Sadly, I can’t, even though I *want* to have floor length hair.

My vulnerability: I must work at *this one* particular job, and I must not lose income, or my entire life collapses

May 25, 2014

3:45 PM 5/25/2014

I don’t like it that my happiness depends so much on working at McD. I have been very depressed ever since the store shut down and I went to work at the mall store and had problems there and quit. I’m depressed for other reasons as well – I have a reaction to a substance, and I also suspect that indoor chemicals are making me sick, probably pesticides and also probably gas fumes from the gas burner and water heater, and other stuff – I’m only theorizing, but I know that overall I felt better in my tent, except for the lack of decent food.

But I have psychological-situational depression as well, from McD being closed. I don’t like depending on them – this is a huge vulnerability. If for some reason I could never work at McD again, I don’t know if I could find any other employer that I would enjoy as much as I enjoy working there. I enjoy the whole way it’s set up, the people, everything. McD is going downhill as a corporation, over time, and I like it less and less, but it is still *way* better than the alternative workplaces.

I also have a huge vulnerability in how I respond to loss of income. When I lose income, I become extremely depressed to the point of hibernating. I become so scared to do anything at all that I can barely even go outside and take a walk for fun. I don’t want to buy essentials like food, and I don’t want to eat too much food for fear that I will have to buy more. I cannot enjoy anything at all, and I cannot take initiative to do any unfamiliar or challenging activities. I become so withdrawn that I cannot even take the actions necessary to get a new job.

I postponed it for so long – I hate working at TB, so I kept on working only a couple days a week there, until all my money was gone, because I’m paying rent and bills now, and I’m not camping in a tent anymore. But finally I broke down and asked for more hours, and I’m hating it just as much as I thought I would hate it. Fortunately, we’re busy, so it’s not just hours of boredom and standing around. I wasn’t expecting to really be busier in the summer like they said we would be – I thought they were wrong, but no, they’re right – we’re getting lots more people now, perhaps people out at baseball games and other activities with their kids. I can’t tolerate being bored and going to work and doing nothing for hours, unless I get to do the dishes, and there are a couple other people who alternate doing dishes, so I can’t always be the one who does them.

But these couple of things have huge power over my life: working at *one* particular workplace, and no other workplace will do, with particular people, and not other people; and, having enough income. If either of those things go wrong, if I have to work at another job, or if I have a loss of income for some reason, then my entire life totally collapses and I am utterly helpless to fix it, and I become severely depressed and I hibernate and refuse to even take a walk outdoors on a nice day, for fear of burning a couple calories that will have to be replaced with more food that I have to buy. I have done almost nothing but sit in my room drinking coffee and sleeping, and then dragging myself reluctantly to work a couple days a week, then coming home and crashing.

I’m scheduled for a lot of hours this week. I’ll have only one day off.

This situation needs to be fixed. I need to 1. enjoy my job, and 2. have a constant passive income so that I never have a severe and sudden loss of income. I also want to learn hunting and gathering and subsistence and primitive tool making.

couldn’t get to church this morning; too tired to get up and cook eggs, so I’ll just eat them raw

May 25, 2014

2:33 PM 5/25/2014

This morning, I was going to try to go to church. I went to church twice in the last couple weeks. It was Jesse’s church. When I first met him, he had invited me to go there for the Christmas Eve service, and I wanted to go, but didn’t hear him when he said which church it was, and had no way to contact him, and I ended up not going that night, and then he was no longer working at TB with me. I did find him on facebook, and since then, we have intermittently talked to each other or visited with each other, but only a few times, and usually he is hard to reach, so I don’t get to see him very often.

That was one reason why I thought I might try going to his church. If he was still going there, I might be able to at least chat with him briefly, although he would be with his family. I thought it would give his family a chance to meet me. If I want to be involved in his life at all, if I wanted to go over to his house to visit him there, if I wanted to stop being a secret, then I would have to eventually meet his parents. I am 39, and he’s 19, so his parents might react badly about that. I am also a failure at life in general in many ways, just barely getting along, so I don’t feel proud and strong and confident – I feel insecure and embarrassed, ugly and worthless and weak.

I made it to the church twice. But if any obstacle makes it difficult for me to go, I tend to just not go. I’ve been working even later at TB, because they decided to start keeping the store open an hour later than before. So I’m getting home very late at night. I wanted to go this morning, I was hoping to go, but I could not bring myself to do it.

I also could not really believe he wanted me to go there or wanted to see me. He tolerates my ‘advances,’ my attempts to reach him, but does not initiate. He hasn’t outright told me to leave him alone. We enjoy being together on the rare occasions when we see each other in person, but there are some difficulties with that, and it doesn’t happen very often at all. It’s so hard to reach him and communicate with him for long periods of time, so I can’t really understand what’s wrong.

I can’t sit down with him and ask him, ‘What do you want me to do? What do you want me to *not* do? What do you need? What do you want? Where are you going in the future? Are you going to do this, or this, or this, like you said you might do?’ I can’t have this conversation with him because he is so hard to reach. He only intermittently responds to text messages, he does not respond to email at all, he used to chat with me on facebook in the distant past but does not anymore, he doesn’t answer his phone, he doesn’t have his voice mail set up on his phone, so I just get this message saying, ‘The person you have called does not have their voice mail set up yet. Goodbye,’ and it hangs up, and I can’t leave a message. He only sometimes calls me back if I call.

*******************
I did not want to get out of bed. I have been eating mostly junk food – granola bars and coffee, TB food, some fast food from the grocery store deli. I took a fragment of a ginkgo pill yesterday. I’ve been taking only a few fragments, with a few days of withdrawal in between them. I’m trying to find something that can help me without causing horrible side effects.

This morning, I was hungry, and I was about to get up and get some coffee and granola bars again. I thought of my eggs in the fridge, but I didn’t feel like frying them – I just didn’t have enough energy or focus to get up and fry an egg. That’s how tired I was.

I just decided, or was ‘urged,’ to get up and eat an egg raw. I had been reading about that not too long ago. The yolks are the most nutritious part. I eat my eggs yolks mostly raw anyway, just warmed up, because I cook eggs over easy with the yolks runny. If I only ate the yolk and not the white, it wouldn’t be that much different.

I broke the egg into a cup and pulled the yolk out with my spoon, and put it in my mouth. I definitely did not like the slimy egg whites, and I pushed as much of that out of my mouth as I could. It was messy. I just held the yolk in my mouth, not sure if I could stand this or not. I was getting the tiniest bit of the ‘allergenic’ sensation, and I know a lot of people are allergic to eggs. I still wonder about what eggs would be like if they were truly free-roaming, in the woods, with natural organic mulch soil, eating nothing but insects, with no food provided by their owners, versus these chicken eggs, which were labeled as ‘organic’ and which claim to be
‘vegetarian fed.’ Chickens are insect eaters, so they shouldn’t be vegetarian fed – I’ve complained about this before. So, I’m getting the corn and grains and whatever else they’re being fed, which chickens weren’t meant to eat. I believe in the future I’ll have my own chickens, and I’ll let them eat insects from the forest floor. So I wondered if the allergenic qualities of eggs might result from the unnatural foods the chickens are fed.

I kept the yolk in my mouth, and then it popped, and there was too much yolk in my mouth all of a sudden. I sat there debating for a minute, and then I swallowed it, and I was able to suppress my gag reflex. Believe it or not, swallowing semen was actually less disgusting than swallowing that raw egg. I usually tried never to swallow semen, but it sometimes happened a little bit by accident, and it surprisingly was not that bad. The egg was actually worse than that. And I only ate the yolk, not the whites. Some people actually drink the whole egg including the whites raw.

Then I decided it was time to eat some raw fish, as well. I still have the package of butterfish. I kept them in the tiny freezer in my mini-fridge, so, supposedly, I shouldn’t keep them frozen there a long time, because it isn’t cold enough for long-term storage. But they are frozen. The other day I got one out and put it in vinegar. I didn’t rip it all to pieces like the other one. The ripped-up one had all its bones completely dissolved by the vinegar, but this one was whole, so it got marinated, but some of the bones were still firm and some were still just a little bit pokey, though flexible. I ripped off pieces of the raw marinated butterfish and started eating them. After a few bites, I suddenly decided I didn’t want it, and I spit out the piece I was about to eat. It was mostly the egg that disgusted me, not the fish.

I laid back down in bed again and waited to see what would happen. My stomach and intestines gurgled and there was some pain. I think that was the egg, actually. Nothing really awful happened, and after a while, I got up and ate some more of the fish. The fish doesn’t seem to bother my stomach and intestines as much as the egg did. But the other day, after I ate the cooked butterfish, I was sick that evening, and I almost threw up on my bike ride home from TB after work, and I had some diarrhea. I thought I might have a stomach virus, and I couldn’t tell if it was that or food poisoning. I’m eating the butterfish again today, and I’ll notice if it happens again today. Not long after eating this food this morning, I ran to the bathroom, so it does do something to my intestines. It doesn’t seem to be severe, outright ‘food poisoning’ as such.

I know from past experience that I will get parasites from the fish. I get parasites often from sushi, but they are nonlethal parasites. I’ve gotten parasites many times before from eating small quantities of raw meats and fish.

I am very tired today and don’t want to go to work, but I won’t call off, I’ll just go there feeling like crap. Near the end of June, McD is supposed to reopen. I will have two jobs again, and I will control my schedule, so that I have several days off in a row, followed by several very long work days at both jobs.

As of right now, I have no future. I do not know what my future is or where it is. I am very frustrated. I have an extremely short-term, narrow view of my future, which is simply: finish the decon of the tent; take out your dental fillings; get on a special diet to prepare for pregnancy. I am waiting to start working on the tent after I get more money. There are reasons why I need money to do that – for instance, I’ll probably call a cab to drive me home with the belongings that I will get out of the tent.

I’ll go ahead and post this now.

It’s time to decide how I will manage my money in the next two weeks. I don’t have enough.

May 23, 2014

4:01 PM 5/23/2014

I’m about to leave for work, so I shouldn’t be writing. I don’t want to go today.

I have to decide now how I am going to spend my money for the next two weeks. I have, ehh, about $320 or something, I forget, and I need $280 to pay the rent at the beginning of next month. The apartment office called me and told me that I have a credit (extra money) of $190, because there was confusion over how I was going to pay for my part of the month in March or February or whenever it was that I came here, when I moved in partway through the month and the roommate before me only paid for the couple weeks she was here before she left on spring break.

‘They’ are urging me to just leave that credit and use it to pay this month’s rent, but I don’t want to do that, I want to resolve the confusion and make them accept that it was meant to be my payment for March or whenever. The roommates misunderstood and somehow paid my portion along with their own, then just let the $190 sit there. I don’t want to use that money for next month’s rent when it was supposed to be for part of March. I don’t want to violate financial agreements with people who are fellow sufferers, people who are victims rather than victors. It is not the same thing as breaking an agreement with a credit card company and defaulting on them, and it is not the same as defaulting on medical bills, which ‘they’ also urged me to do in the past, and I did it. This isn’t the same, these are ordinary people who are borrowing money to go to college, and they are powerless. Breaking a financial agreement with them is not a good thing.

I have ways of getting money. I do need to sell the silver, because it is indeed contaminated with ephedra or something, and I contaminate everything I touch after I touch the silver or its packaging. I don’t have time to give the long explanation of how exactly that happened, I just know that when I touched it last time, it did cause a
contamination outbreak, and it was severe. I have not done enough testing to identify exactly what the contaminant is. But I want to get rid of it. The dollar price of silver isn’t going up right this instant, so I will take a loss on it, but I don’t care, I have to do my decontamination sometime, and that means selling the silver sometime. It needs to be done, and I might as well do that instead of using the credit of $190 to pay this month’s rent.

That will be ‘progress’ (I hate to use that word) in my
decontamination and recovery – it’s not progress, it’s recovery from a terrible loss, so in reality I am not ‘progressing,’ I am merely being thrown back 1000 steps, and I will have moved 50 steps forward again, so I am still 950 steps back farther than I should be, which is why I don’t like to say ‘progress.’ To me progress is going farther forward than you have ever gone before, rather than re-covering, or
recovering, the same ground. Progress doesn’t merely mean moving forward or spending energy on something, it means actually achieving something you’ve never achieved before, and it means, in another sense, making progress that cannot be undone, so that there is no going back – like learning a new skill which you cannot unlearn. Something good and beneficial and helpful, which cannot be undone, is progress.

I have to go to work now. That’s not progress, either.

The vinegar worked! The fish bones are all gone!

May 22, 2014

I’m not even joking. I tried eating some of it right now. I put a *lot* of vinegar all through the chopped up fish fragments, so it tasted horrible. I added some water to make it taste less strong. I’ve eaten a few spoonfuls of this, and there just aren’t any bones. I can still see bone-shaped white lines in there, but they are not sharp, and nothing pokes my mouth while I’m chewing them. I only marinated the fish fragments overnight in the refrigerator. The vinegar was strong enough to dissolve all the bones. I’m not even finding any sharp pointy fins, either, but I left all the fins in there.

All I have to do is perfect the technique, and if I could find a nontoxic base to add to the vinegar afterwards to make it non-acidic, that would be great. I don’t know of any basic liquids offhand that are edible. I know that when you nixtamalize corn in ashes, that produces a base, but it’s lye, and they wash it off thoroughly, so they’re not actually eating the lye. I don’t want to eat lye or ashes – that’s probably not good. I would rather have a food, something safe and alkaline, that I could add to the vinegar (or lemon juice) afterwards.

Remember how I complained about how horrible it was to add lemon juice to fish? That was a while ago in my blog, and I’m not the only person who feels that way. Well, just adding a lemon alongside a fish, on the plate, does nothing, and it really is as stupid and pointless as I said it was back then. However, marinating an entire fish, with bones, in lemon juice overnight might dissolve the bones, and in that case, it would have a purpose. It tastes terrible, but it worked. If only I could alkalinize the vinegar or lemon juice to make the sour taste go away, it would be great.

I cooked a butterfish as an experiment; disgusting things the dog chewed on; flu shots and vaccinations

May 22, 2014

10:11 AM 5/22/2014

My roommate returned yesterday. I apologized to her about taking the dog out for a walk, and she said it was okay, she just hadn’t wanted the dog loose in the bedroom because she would ‘destroy everything,’ and I laughed and agreed with her. She said she had taken somebody to the New York airport.

The dog was running around downstairs yesterday, since my roommate understood that I liked her and didn’t mind having her around and petting her. This became a problem when I cooked some food and wanted to eat it. The dog was starving. I certainly cannot pay for her dog food, but I’m guessing, with just a random estimate, that she probably needs to eat at least six whole cans of dog food a day. I would try to give her about that much and see if she could eat it. You feed the dog until it doesn’t want any more. Dogs are designed to have a ‘feast or famine’ eating style – they kill an animal, then eat as much of it as they can before the meat spoils, since wild animals don’t have freezers. Then they starve again for a few days until they kill another animal. If you give a dog a grain-free food, they can eat as much of it as they want and will never get fat. It just so happens that this roommate buys a lot of organic food, and I noticed that her dog foods were both labeled grain-free, both the canned food and dry food.

Here are a few examples of the foul and disgusting things that that poor, starving dog slave put into her mouth and chewed on. I found her chewing on: my dirty waxy used earplugs, a used menstrual pad from the trash (fortunately, not very dirty), a blood-spotted used cotton bandage from the roommate’s trash, a wad of some kind of wet papery stuff which might have possibly been, god forbid, toilet paper out of the toilet – I’m not sure – my wet socks that I took off after walking the dog in the rain (that was cute – she shook them around like a prey), my slippers (I don’t really use them much, but they were intended to give me something to put my bare feet into so I wouldn’t walk on epehdra-covered floors, and usually I just keep my socks on instead). There seems to be a theme of ‘disgusting bodily fluids’ in all these items, which is why I know it’s because she’s starving. Dogs are *supposed* to eat disgusting bodily fluids, but they’re supposed to eat an entire animal body filled with those fluids, not little fragments of trash with bits of dried blood and whatnot on them.  – Oh, yeah, I forgot – she also wanted a drink of water, so she stuck her muzzle down into a little paper cup full of water mixed with my hair conditioner, which I had been using as I combed out my dreadlocks, and she started lapping it up before I could stop her.  I gave her some fresh water to drink instead of toxic perfumey conditioner-filled greasy water.

Today is Thursday. I get paid again tomorrow. It still won’t be much money, because I need to save enough for the rent, but I’m wondering if I have to pay the rent on exactly the first of the month. I’ve gotten the feeling that it can be paid anytime during that month. If that were true, I could pay part of it, or none of it, until the next paycheck after this one.

I suspect that this malted milk stuff is not good for me. I mean, I knew that anyway, but I was trying to find something that would help me make coffee that was as good as the frappuccinos so that I could stop buying those. But I think even this malted grain is poisonous. It’s been giving me that painful, hungry, starving feeling that the millet gave me. I haven’t been eating a lot of real food, because I don’t have much real food left, except things that are hard to cook and experimental. So that’s also why I’m hungry. But I still suspect this malted barley is doing something. I still have the powdered buttermilk to test some more. I’m drinking that right now. I’ll keep buying some form of powdered milk. In the long run I will stop drinking coffee, but right now I still totally rely on it at work, and now I use it as a food substitute when I’m not grocery shopping.

Last night I cooked a butterfish. I saw a package with a bunch of butterfish at the grocery store. I had no idea what butterfish were, but I suspected they might be a high fat, oily fish, because of their name. It turns out this is true. There are several things you could be referring to with the word ‘butterfish,’ and one of them is sickening and poisonous. I’m referring to Peprilus triacanthus, the American butterfish.

I really want to get whole fish that still have their guts, but the only way I’ll get those most easily is to go fishing myself and get freshwater fish, and I can’t do that right now.

I cooked this fish in a pan with nothing but water. I just wanted to see what the fish was like all by itself, since I’ve never cooked it before. I broke it all to pieces because I wanted to see if it was completely done on the inside, and it was experimental, and I wasn’t trying to keep it in good condition. I can see that it’s going to be very hard to avoid all the little bones. I ate the fragments of broken fish in the pan, sitting outside on my chair while Snow whined and scratched at the window, poor starving dog. I drank the broth, and it was very good, and I could see droplets of fish oil in it. It was absolutely impossible to avoid the bones in this fragmented mess that I had made. Even if I had kept the fish whole, it still would have been impossible to avoid the bones. You would be picking several bones out of your mouth with every bite of fish. This is a very good fish, but there has to be some way around this.

So I put the remainder of the fish into a container with vinegar, and I am wondering if vinegar will soften bones. You can eat the bones in canned fish. The bones get soft and crumbly and you can just crunch them up and eat them. That’s the easiest way for me to deal with fish bones. I’m hoping that the vinegar will do that. So that is my experiment right now.

I am currently in withdrawal from the ginkgo. I had a few crumbled bits of it a few days ago. It has been making me sleep a lot. That sleepiness seems to build up and increase the more I use it. I know antidepressants do ‘build up’ their effects over time, as your body makes more receptors for them, according to the theory.

There are a lot of videos about autism on youtube. It was really interesting to watch them. People are clearly aware of the ‘before and after’ phases of autism, where their baby is developing normally for about a year, then suddenly they get a whole bunch of
vaccinations, get really sick, scream constantly for days, then become autistic and never recover, and they are putting these
before-and-after stories on youtube, and you can see how the baby’s behavior has drastically changed. A baby that was smiley and cheerful, friendly and alert, intelligent and talkative, suddenly becomes a miserable, crying, antisocial baby that avoids eye contact and cannot speak anymore. Many of the youtube videos actually have the words ‘before and after autism’ in the titles, so they’re easy to find.

I can’t remember exactly when I got my flu shot, but I strongly suspect it contributed to my craziness that year. Granted, I really was being harassed and abused by computer hackers who were stalking me everywhere. That is real. However, people who are physically sick, or people who have physical brain problems, or people who are on drugs, or people who can’t think clearly, respond badly whenever they are harassed and stalked. It’s possible to respond calmly, even though you are still angry about it, and that is how I respond nowadays – I don’t like it, I still know it’s real, but I don’t go all crazy about it when it happens.

But back then, I did – I got very angry, and I was delusional – and again, electronic mind control played a role in making me have delusional beliefs, but if you are on drugs or have some other brain problem, you are more likely to believe the delusional ideas and you are more likely to get angry and act badly. That was what happened in 2003. I was also getting therapy from Judith Swack over the phone at that time, and I got a flu shot somewhere around that time, and I was using St. John’s Wort, and then later on I took Prozac for a week.

I’m not retelling the story, I’m just mentioning that somewhere in there, there was a flu shot, and I seem to recall having more symptoms after it, but back then, I didn’t know there was a connection, and I don’t have a clear memory of it, so I’m not certain. I only know that I won’t get any more vaccinations now that I know what I know. And I never get the flu, and even if I did, I’m not in one of the vulnerable population groups who are likely to die (the elderly, the sick, babies, etc). And most of the illnesses are actually ‘mystery viruses’ rather than influenza.

We have millions of viruses that go around here in State College because of all the thousands of people who come to this town for college and for football games, and every time large numbers of people travel, there is an outbreak of the stomach virus.

But in the year when the swine flu was going around, we had weekly (or twice weekly) outbreaks of a stomach virus that seemed to be exactly like the swine flu. I starved for months and lost a lot of weight that year, or at least, for many weeks, because I would get a stomach virus and become unable to eat for a day or two, then get better for a day or two, then get another stomach virus a day or two later – at least two stomach viruses every single week, for weeks and weeks and weeks on end, until I lost a lot of weight. I had weird symptoms, like almost fainting and almost passing out, which were not normal for me, and other people who caught the virus, like a girl at work, were also fainting – this young girl at McD, who had just been hired recently – her name was Taylor – she was just walking past me and suddenly collapsed to the floor. She told us she had been vomiting earlier that day. People were collapsing in public. One customer at the Weis grocery store collapsed and hit her head and started bleeding. She was probably taking anticoagulants – she was elderly. She had been going to the pharmacy because she said she had the swine flu.

It might not even be the influenza virus, it could be just another coronavirus, like a cold, or a norovirus. Viruses can have so many variations. They might even merge together with each other somehow, so that maybe a stomach virus picked up DNA from the real actual swine flu influenza virus. So it was a normal stomach flu, mixed with the swine flu DNA.

I requested to work more hours at TB. Hopefully it will be on next week’s schedule. I still won’t have lots of money right away. This money problem just keeps going on and on and on. It’s the biweekly paycheck. I hate that.

I feel like I can’t do *anything* until I have money. I don’t even want to eat food. I don’t want to exercise too much. I can’t work on my tent, which still needs to be taken down. I would need someone to drive me home with my stuff, and I was planning to take a cab to do that, but I won’t spend money on a cab right now when I have no money. And I don’t want to even exert myself by walking up the hill. I would want to go to the Lemont Cafe and eat something before going up the hill. I just want to sit quietly for as long as I can until I have enough money to buy lots of groceries freely. (Walking the dog was an exception, and anyway, she dragged me and provided a lot of the forward motion force – my muscles aren’t even sore from all that trotting and running!) I’ve done nothing but sit at home and drink tons, and tons, and tons, and tons, of that instant espresso stuff with the malted milk or the buttermilk powder. I’ve taken the ginkgo intermittently too. That is the reason why I’ve been blogging so much – nothing makes me blog more than being hungry and drinking caffeine and sitting somewhere trapped and waiting for time to pass.

I’ll go ahead and post this.

slave dog

May 21, 2014

11:22 AM 5/21/2014

So, I took her out in the rain this morning, and now I’m letting her dry before I put her back upstairs. I don’t want her to be all wet in her crate for hours. It was pouring rain when we went for our walk. I followed her mostly wherever she led me, with a few limits. Eventually when I got tired I stopped letting her pull me and I insisted we go more directly towards home.

I’m noticing the same things that I notice about all pets. She’s lonely, bored, and full of energy, and she needs a purpose in life. Her purpose is to go out on adventures and go hunting, and if she works with humans, she’s meant to pull a sled in the Arctic, which requires a huge amount of energy and strength. She must be constantly moving around, looking at things, chasing things, and interacting with other creatures. She can’t be kept indoors in a box alone.

She also needs to eat as much food as she wants until she stops eating. If you can’t feed a dog, you don’t need a dog. Dog food should not be rationed. If you feed them the right kind of food, they will never be fat no matter how much they eat. If it’s too expensive, then you shouldn’t have a dog. You also shouldn’t vaccinate them or poison them with dewormers or do any of the other stuff dog owners typically do, and if you have a boxer, don’t chop its tail off.

She needs constant watching. I’m letting her run around in the house right now, which we don’t usually do. She wants to get into everything. She tried to eat my earplugs, and I had to pull one of them out of her mouth. She does this because she is starving. Again, she needs unlimited food until she’s full and stops eating, and if you don’t give her that much food, she’s starving. This is a growing puppy. She would chase and catch rabbits if we let her off the leash, but I don’t know if she’ll ever come back to me. When she walks out of my sight, I start worrying because she might be eating something or destroying something or knocking something over.

Everywhere she goes, she runs, she never walks. She leaps and she bounds. She jumps and she stands on her hind feet.

If you don’t want a dog like this, you shouldn’t have a dog like this. But everyone is born ignorant. People don’t know what it’s really like to have a dog until they have one, which is why I said I think dog ownership should just be illegal unless you meet certain criteria. You need to be taught some things about the reality of dogs, and you need to have certain resources, like a very large outdoor area for them to run in.

I’m just letting her dry out. She was soaked. She’s almost dry now. I’m not sure if I’ll lock her in her crate, it’s just that when she’s out of my sight, I worry that she’s destroying something. This is not her fault, and she’s not a bad dog. She’s an extremely good, obedient dog who is starving to death and needs to be constantly outdoors playing with other dogs and hunting wild animals and going on adventures to faraway places. That is her reason for being.

Snow, the Arctic sled dog

May 21, 2014

7:52 AM 5/21/2014

I’m not sure what’s going on with my roommate. She went someplace yesterday. We don’t talk to each other a lot, so I don’t know where she’s going. She and her boyfriend both left.

We were getting an apartment inspection yesterday, and they had given us a note saying that dogs must be kept in a crate during the inspection if you weren’t there with them. So she had put the dog in the crate a couple times in the last few days when she went out, I guess so it would get practice at being kept in there before the inspection. I heard the dog crying upstairs, and I went and peeked in at it to see where it was and if it was okay, and I saw that it was in the crate, so I understood what was going on.

However, she didn’t come back last night. Usually when they just go out and leave their dog, they come back after not too long.

I sent her a text message and told her that the inspection was over, and I asked if maybe I should take the dog out for a walk. She said no, just leave her in there, thank you.

So I waited a while longer, thinking they would be home any minute, but that didn’t happen. The dog didn’t cry all day. She only cried for a while in the beginning when they first left, and then she just laid down and slept all day, silently. But I could not forget she was up there.

I went up there and sneaked into the room and touched the dog a couple times through the metal bars of the crate, just to tell her that someone was there keeping an eye on her.

In the middle of the night, maybe around 1 or 2 in the morning, I forget – I didn’t look at the time – it was before last night’s thunderstorm – I decided this was it. I could not just go back to sleep, and think only about myself. I wanted to avoid conflict with my roommate. I did not want to seem that I was judging her or her dog care practices. I didn’t want to invade her bedroom without permission. I didn’t even want her to know that I had peeked in her room and seen that the dog was in a crate, but I had used the word ‘crate’ in my text message, and I could have gotten that word from looking in her room, or from the landlord’s letter saying the dog must be kept in a crate. I still thought I might be okay – maybe she would think I had just inferred that the dog was probably in a crate, and I hadn’t peeked in her bedroom.

I watched ‘Twelve Years A Slave’ when it was in movie theatres not too long ago. I felt that I was in a similar position now. The dog wasn’t being punished for something, she was just being neglected, but even so, it reminded me of the scene where the guy is being hung, just enough that his toes barely touch the ground, and several other slaves are sneaking by and giving him sips of water so that he doesn’t die on the hot day. I felt that same feeling of sneaking to help someone, and fearing that I would get in trouble for doing it, but feeling like I had to do it.

I tried waiting just a little bit longer, and then I decided it was time. I thought, this wasn’t my fault. They brought this conflict on, not me. They did something that resulted in a conflict, and now I had to deal with the conflict whether I liked it or not.

I began to fantasize that I would go up there quietly with a flashlight and find the dog’s leash. The first time I’d gone up in the room and touched the dog through the crate, I had been looking out the window constantly, thinking they would be home any second now, and I would have to dash out of the room. It was still daytime then. I had brought my shower towels with me just in case I needed an excuse for why I was up there – I would pretend I was about to take a shower, and I would go so far as to really take a shower if they came in the door and came upstairs while I was up there (in this apartment, the shower is upstairs and I have to go through somebody’s room to get to it, either the apartment on the right or on the left).

It was nighttime the second time I sneaked in there to check on the dog, and I couldn’t see anything, but there was a little bit of light from the streetlights coming in the window. Again, I had been looking out at the parking lot the whole time, sure that their car would pull into the parking lot right that instant while I was in their room. So I didn’t turn any lights on, and planned to dash out if I saw a car come in. But no car came.

When I decided it was time to confront this situation directly, I felt better when I put the blame on them, not myself. I was silently blaming myself for this somehow, in some way that I couldn’t explain. Somehow, I was doing something wrong, and trying to avoid doing something wrong (invading someone’s bedroom, judging them, taking their dog out without permission, touching and handling their property), and unable to avoid it, and just doing nothing, but knowing something was wrong, for many hours. Finally, when I decided to blame them, it made it better. They had given me this unwanted conflict through their actions, and it wasn’t my fault, and all that remained was for me to confront this.

Would I go up there and sneak around with a flashlight, still hoping that maybe I could avoid actually taking the dog out on the leash, hoping that they would pull in just as I was sneaking in their room? No – I decided I would go up there with guns blazing. I would turn on the lights on the stairwell, and I would open the door and turn on the lights in their room. If they pulled into the parking lot right when I was there with the lights on, they would inevitably see me through the window. I was confronting them openly.

Well – turning on the lights in their room didn’t work, because a lot of our light switches are wired up to plug outlets, and you have to have a lamp plugged in and turned on when you flip the switch on the wall. So I tried to turn on a light, and nothing happened. Oh well. I just kept the bedroom door open and let the light in from the stairwell.

I struggled in the dim light to open the crate. I didn’t know how the latch worked. I couldn’t really see it. There was a leash sitting on top of the crate – I found it. I began fumbling with the crate door, and the dog got excited and ready to rush out the door. She is a Samoyed, an arctic dog, a sled dog, and her name is Snow. She leaves little puffballs of fur everywhere. I vacuumed them up before the inspection, using a vacuum that doesn’t really work because it seems to have no belt on the spinning brush, so the brush doesn’t spin except when you roll the vacuum.

I wonder what Snow’s name is in Chinese. I never asked yet. I always want to say the real Chinese names, but I am timid about it, and I don’t hear them often enough, or practice them enough, or get enough feedback, and even though I have heard them say some of the names, for some reason I feel like I am not allowed to try to say the names in exactly the same accent they do. I am perfectionistic, and I believe it is a language learner’s responsibility to learn how to speak the language without the slightest accent *at all*. It’s better if you learn it by hearing it instead of reading it. Pinyin is only an approximation of Chinese, but this is true of all writing for all languages – they only approximate words you learned by hearing and speaking them, and we’re not usually aware anymore of how many sounds are missing from the letters we see.

I found out how to open the latch on the door. I just realized I’m telling this story wrong, because, I forgot, there was a previous moment when I had gone up there in the darkness and fumbled around and let her out of her crate to pet her for a few moments, *before* the time when I decided to actually go back up there, get the leash, and take her outside. The first time, I opened the crate and she rushed out, but she didn’t run around all over the place. She stretched and grunted and then came out the door, and she let me pet her, and she didn’t jump around all over the place. Then after a minute of paranoia, looking out the window for the car, I directed her to go back in her crate. She seems to be a well trained, well behaved, obedient dog, because even though she had been stuck in the crate for many hours, and surely was not happy about it, she obeyed and just went where I told her to go, when I had merely given her some hand gestures and sort of moved in the direction of the crate, and quietly said something like ‘come on,’ in English, even though she normally hears Chinese. She knew she was supposed to go back in.

After I left that first time, I heard her crying again for a couple minutes. That’s when I tried to go back to sleep, and couldn’t, and finally decided to go up for a second time ‘with guns blazing’ and the lights on, to directly confront the situation once and for all and take her out for a walk. I saw the leash on top of the crate. I opened the crate again, and I could see this time, from the light coming in the door. She came out, and I tried to put the collar on her, but she started playfully biting and grabbing the collar as I tried to put it around her neck. I decided to just let her run downstairs. I got up and she ran down the stairs, and so we struggled again at the front door to put the collar and leash on while she wriggled around and jumped up and down and grabbed the collar in her mouth when I tried to put it around her neck.

But apparently she figured out that if the collar didn’t go on, we wouldn’t go outside, because I have my limits, and even though I view her as being *almost* the same as that black slave hanging and being given sips of water, I still don’t want to cause a conflict over losing someone’s property. I wonder, if I let her run away, would she ever want to come back? How many dogs and cats would just run away and never come back if they got the opportunity?

A week or two ago I saw a paper sign on one of the bus stop shelters, where someone said that they opened the door and their cat ran out, and they were asking if anyone saw their cat. If your cat runs out the door and never comes back, then your cat doesn’t want to be with you.

I wasn’t ready to find out if Snow would want to come back if I let her off the leash. She was such an obedient dog, maybe she would. But I didn’t want to risk it. I finally got the collar on her neck. The leash was already hooked on. I was ready – if they came into the parking lot right this moment, while the lights were on and I was standing there holding the leash on the dog, I would confront them – I could no longer avoid it.

But I went out the door and they didn’t appear. The dog instantly began to pull. She is a strong sled dog. She pulled hard on the leash, and I began running behind her, in the dark of night, over the damp grass. I am out of shape.

We ran in a random direction. I let her choose the way, and I followed her. I don’t know where she normally walks. She ran across apartment lawns and into the darkness. There were many rabbits out in the middle of the night. She chased every one. I wanted to unhook the leash and let her catch a rabbit, but I didn’t. I couldn’t run fast enough to chase rabbits, and I slowed her down, but if I had wheels, she would have pulled me. I am not even kidding about her being a good strong sled dog. She could do it, for real. When my brother and I were kids, we put the dogs on leashes in the basement, then threw balls for them to chase, and they would pull us around the basement. We had yellow Pac-Man squeaky toys that we threw.

We ran after the rabbits until I was lost and exhausted. I stopped letting her run, because I was too tired to run anymore. I tried to figure out where we are. There are many apartment buildings around here, with lawns, and we had gone in some random direction, and we were behind some building on another street somewhere. I tried to figure out how to go back, and I gently began to pull her in the direction towards home. She didn’t fight too hard. When I gently pulled, she would give in and go in that direction.

Finally we were almost home, and she started sniffing around on the grass as though there was a very interesting smell there, and she didn’t want to move. She had peed several times, which was my most important goal for the walk, so I thought it was okay to bring her back, but I knew she really wanted to continue having an adventure. I let her sniff this patch of grass, pretending it was something very, very important, a mystery she must solve, but then, after a few minutes, I began to gently pull again, more firmly, and she came along reluctantly. I did not have to drag hard. I thought, if it were necessary for me to drag very hard on the leash, I would instead go and pick up her body in my arms rather than pull really hard on the leash. It’s a neck collar, not a body harness, and I don’t want to pull hard on a neck collar.

But she came home without being dragged, just gently and firmly pulled in that direction, and she went in the front door without trying to escape or avoid it. After we got in, I took off the collar and leash and let her run back upstairs. When I got into their room, I urged her to go into her crate, and she did, and I closed the door. I just had to sort of gesture to the crate and stand near it and move my hands towards the crate and say ‘come on,’ in English, and she understood.

I think maybe this happened because my roommate was afraid to ask me to help. Maybe she thought I would be angry if she asked me to take care of her dog. But I love taking care of dogs and I have done it many times before, when I was young. I took care of neighbors’ dogs all the time when they went on vacation. I think she didn’t feel comfortable asking me for a favor. But I had texted her, and she got the message and texted back, so she knows I’m watching over the dog, even though she had said ‘no.’ I’ve understood that if they’re not coming home for a while, I’m taking care of the dog, and they will understand. There has just been some kind of communication
difficulty, and reluctance to ask for a favor.

I still don’t know when they’re coming home, but it’s morning now, and they left yesterday morning. 24 hours is definitely a reasonable amount of time for me to be justified in taking care of their dog without permission. I’ll be feeding her if they don’t come home. I already filled her water bottle on her crate. It was low, but not empty, and she wanted another few sips after running around chasing rabbits.

I began fantasizing about writing a law saying it was illegal for people to own dogs, unless they met certain conditions. Dogs must not be kept indoors. Dogs must have a certain amount of free space to run in. A dog owner must take the dog outside every day, and a record must be kept of each walk the dog is taken on, so that we know they’re doing it every day. The same for cats – cats must be allowed outdoors, declawing is forbidden, and if a cat runs away then it doesn’t want to be with you for a reason, and you are not allowed to keep a cat that doesn’t want to be with you. I always fed local strays, and kept them outdoors, and they came to me because I fed them and petted them, and they *wanted* to be with me, and when I let them in and out of the house, they would leave and wander around and always come back to me, because they wanted to be with me. That was back when I lived with, or visited, my ex-boyfriend at his trailer, at the trailer park that was destroyed by the Real Estate Bubble.

The dog is upstairs now, and she is on my mind. I am not forgetting her. It’s rainy and awful this morning, but I will take the dog for a walk. I might use one of the umbrellas I found in the closet – not the black and yellow one, but the blue one that’s in the closet – I think the black and yellow one belongs to the roommate here now, and the blue one might belong to somebody who moved out and left their belongings. Sooner or later I will give her some food, too. The cans of food and the bag of food are right there where I can see them. We’ve had some kind of communication problem, and I was given an unwanted conflict, and I had to break my rules, but I think they will be glad that I did, and they probably want me to, they just couldn’t ask.

Lard Sandwich

May 19, 2014

SANYO DIGITAL CAMERA

SANYO DIGITAL CAMERA

That’s right, what you’re seeing is a lard sandwich on rye, with craisins. It actually wasn’t too bad, just tasteless. I had to drink water with it because it was a dry sandwich. It might have been better if the bread was toasted and warm.

musing about the purposes of church; continuing to take small amounts of ginkgo; thinking of preparing food for a thousand year voyage through space

May 19, 2014

12:46 PM 5/19/2014

I’m going to keep testing the ginkgo for a little while. I took a third one last night before bed, after I got out of work. I’ve decided *not* to take them before work, because they make me so irritable that I have conflicts with coworkers.

The other day I bought something different at the grocery store because I am out of money. Coffee is my addiction. I have to drink and eat something when I’m working. I always get the frappuccinos, which are extremely expensive, and I drink a huge number of them. This time, I got powdered instant espresso, which I never knew they had. It’s called Cafe Bustelo. I also got malted milk powder and buttermilk powder. I wanted something that I could take with me easily and use at work.

The espresso is really, really good. I’ve been drinking instant coffee and it’s horrible (without milk anyway), but I tolerate it, and I’d actually in a way rather not enjoy something I don’t want to be drinking anyway. But I have to stop drinking starbucks, and my only other choice is to somehow use the Magic Money Printing Machine so that I have enough money to keep on buying hundreds of 4-packs of frappuccinos. My first resort for magic money will be my mom and dad, and I don’t like to do that if I don’t have to.

Anyway this espresso and malt is so good that I actually enjoy drinking them. I also tried the buttermilk, and I liked it too, but it’s harder to dissolve in room temperature water, and I’m not using the microwave, although I could. I am not happy about microwaving a plastic cup. I don’t have any plates and cups right now. There is only one plastic cup which was a giveaway from McD, and then I have paper bowls, plastic forks and spoons, and paper cups mostly. I mostly just reuse the hard plastic McD cup over and over every day for everything.

In reality I do not want any powdered instant stuff in my diet. This malt actually isn’t too bad, in the big scheme of things. There are lots of powdered instant foods out there that are filled with dozens of chemicals and flavorings and stuff, and this only has a couple ingredients. It’s just old-fashioned malt. (“wheat flour and malted barley extracts, milk, soy lecithin, salt, sodium bicarbonate”). I approve of malt because malting is when you sprout grains, which reduces the phytic acid. I think they sprout the grains and then roast them or something. It tastes like a sort of nutty caramel.

Ever since I started eating this stuff (and also, simultaneously with the days I’ve been using ginkgo, so it could be that too), I’ve been sneezing more than usual, and I had a rash on my neck. I’m allergic to something. But I’m going to just ignore it for a while.

Powdered processed foods are not really good for you. They tend to be oxidized (in theory – I’ve read this on the internet – in reality, this malted milk doesn’t taste or feel wrong or bad in any obvious way, and I recognize the smell of rancidity, and this isn’t rancid). I would prefer to use fresh real milk. But everything I’m doing is forbidden right now, since I have no money and I’m cheating and getting the cheapest possible food substitutes that will last a long time and replace the starbucks.

This week I have no money – it’s in the $20-$30 range. I get a paycheck Friday. I asked for more hours, officially, although I’d rather not start that today. But I will soon. Maybe next week.

I still don’t like the ginkgo. I am going to start breaking apart the pills and eating only a few chunks of them instead of the whole pill. There is always a moment a little while later where I have that feeling that I regret having eaten something. It’s the feeling that I am sick or poisoned, and that now I am in danger and something bad is going to happen. I feel strange sensations in my head, although it’s nowhere near as bad as the ‘head pressure’ feeling I used to get from SJW. I’m also a little nervous because GK might be a blood thinner or anticlotting agent – I’m not sure – and so I worry about sensations in my head because I feel like I could have a stroke and then it would keep bleeding. But my sensations were much worse and much stronger with other herbs I took in the past. This is mild compared to them. It also doesn’t work very well compared to them.

GK seems to work the most when I am going into withdrawal from it. The antidepressant effect lasts for several days. It’s best if I don’t take it daily, but more like every two or three days. If I take small fragments then I might take it more often.

This morning ‘they’ were talking to me when I woke up. I was trying to understand the phenomenon of food production as such. It is an eternal process that must always go on alongside human life. It is like ignorance – you cannot just teach someone and then know that all the teaching is over and done with forever, because new people are always being born and always must be taught again and again, otherwise they will make the same mistakes over and over forever. Every generation cannot learn everything from experience. So teaching is an eternal process that must always be done when new people are being born. Food production is the same. You cannot just produce enough food to feed the rest of humanity forever, and then quit. It has to be done constantly. The most you can do is produce a surplus that will gradually be used up, but eventually you will have to produce more again.

This morning they asked me hypothetically, what if you *could* just produce food once forever and be done with it? If that would happen, you would have to calculate the number of people who would exist from now until the end of our species. You would have a given amount of time, say, fifty years (a random arbitrary number for the sake of argument), to somehow produce all the food that would feed the rest of humanity forever. You would need to calculate how much people would be eating. You would need a food that had infinite shelf life and would never spoil. An abstract idea they gave me was, if you ate food that somehow did not get absorbed, but came out in a usable form and was exactly like it was when you ate it. However, this violates the concept of what food is. Food is something that you take apart and make into your body, and turn it into energy, and it turns into carbon dioxide which you breathe out of your lungs, and it turns into heat which radiates off your body, and it also radiates away as
electromagnetic waves from your body. Not all of the food you eat could just go through and somehow be used, but not used. There is too much of a contradiction. The only thing you could get out of that idea would be perfectly high density food, with nothing but nutrients and no extra ‘waste,’ but that’s forgetting about the beneficial bacteria in your intestines, which produce vitamin K among other things, and they need some kind of solid substance to eat. Also, I have never seen any synthetic vitamin manufactured that was exactly like the vitamins found in nature. They will always contain unwanted chemical residues and they will be a chemical which is not identical to the real vitamins.

They asked what if you had to save up enough food for a thousand years, for a group of people. This was long-term planning for something like a trip through outer space, with a group of people who I guess would either be asleep on the ship, or awake and living and having children. Food would still have to be a process that went along with the ship. It could not be totally stored up in advance just because so much of it is burned up in energy. I know it was supposed to be a hypothetical concept and not something literal. The concept was that there are intervals of time during which you don’t have to produce food, and you can increase those intervals of time so that they are longer, if you can store food.

I am thinking about this kind of thing because I don’t like settled agricultural societies and grain eating. I prefer nomadic hunter gatherer societies. Eating insects is an alternative, and it could be done much more intensively than it is done now, and it will be done a lot in the future – there will be insect farms that feed millions of people. Insects will require lots of research, so that we can find out if they have any poisons or anti-nutrients (like phytic acid in grains). Hunter gatherers are constantly looking for new food every day. They can store some food, and they do process some of their plant foods and keep them instead of eating them immediately. For instance, they might collect acorns and make acorn flour and keep it for a while, or they might collect hickory nuts and crush them and make hickory nut oil and keep it for a long time.

Our ‘high density’ population isn’t really highly dense in the United States. In Europe and China and Africa, it’s much more dense. You can see it on maps – I don’t have a link to a population density map right now. The USA is still relatively unsettled and low density. I have no concept of what high density population really is. I’ve lived in rural areas and suburban areas all my life. I’ve visited cities a couple of times. In other countries, there are cities surrounded by agricultural areas that are still pretty densely populated.

We have all this ‘lawnland.’ I hate lawns. We mow the grass and it doesn’t even get used to feed cows or chickens. It’s used for nothing, except to waste more gasoline in the lawnmowers. We don’t even have children running outside and playing on the lawn, because childbirth rates are plummeting, since it’s so impossible to live, and the prices of everything have skyrocketed, and parents cannot just have one parent working at a job and the other parent staying home – they both must work to pay the rent.

Life is unlivable, and so in developed countries, people are having only one or two or zero children. I’m not just making this up, it’s been documented. There are developed countries where the birth rate is below replacement – there are fewer than two children for every two parents who are going to die. In the long run their population will go down unless people move into that region from outside. I get the impression that people only have babies when they live in rural and agricultural regions, and the children then move to the city hoping for a better life (only to find hell and death).

People say that we have fewer children because we are ‘better educated,’ or because we know our children are going to live. In Africa they have a lot of children, but many of the children die, and everyone dies at a young age from many causes – war, disease, poverty, etc.

Being ‘better educated’ does not lead to having fewer children. Believing in a *particular belief system* leads to having fewer children. If you accept that belief system, then you have fewer children. There are more reasons why people don’t have children. I said already that life is unlivable and no one can afford to live, so they don’t have children, IF they refuse to accept government handouts. I myself refuse government handouts if possible (although I’ve taken tons of money from my parents, and not everyone can do that).

If people don’t mind taking tax dollars (or newly printed borrowed dollars, from the Fed, or wherever the money comes from), then they’re happy to have children and put themselves on welfare, if they don’t mind poor nutrition and bad food, because you can’t afford lots and lots of nice food all the time on welfare. You still have to be frugal, and being frugal means sacrificing quality – you won’t be buying organic foods for everything, you won’t be buying fresh foods, you’ll buy lots of prepared fake foods and powdered foods (and I am grateful for this malted milk stuff right now). And people who are happy to take government handouts and get on welfare usually don’t mind smoking and drinking and using drugs and taking prescription drugs (*note: they would have been raised that way by their own parents sometimes too – I’m picturing a particular type of person, someone who doesn’t listen to any of my knowledge or advice *at all*, doesn’t seem to care at all, has absolutely no interest in what might cause these problems, and continues to do the things that caused it and makes no effort to change their lifestyle at all – it’s hard to explain, I don’t have any examples – I want to avoid just calling them ‘sinners’ because I went to church recently and I don’t necessarily want to blame people for doing what they do – but yet, even so, I myself feel frustrated when people just don’t listen at all*), so they’re going to have children that are deformed, autistic, unhealthy, hyperactive, misbehaving, unintelligent, or criminal. And they won’t know or care why those things happen, they’ll just assume it’s their lot in life.

I would have had many children, but my life was destroyed by disasters. I may only have a few now, and if I can, I will adopt children, and I may also adopt adults under certain conditions. I have had the idea of adopting adults for a while now. It would be informal and voluntary. They would be expected to do certain things for me, in exchange for receiving certain things from me. I am picturing some kind of charity, almost, where maybe I provide for people while they study, or something, so they don’t have to work. You can adopt adults of any age, and that includes elderly people, which I would also like to adopt. Older people have knowledge of how the world used to be. Old age diseases are preventable, if only you give someone proper nutrition and avoid giving them prescription drugs, because prescription drugs cause most of the diseases, and also unnecessary surgeries, like gallbladder removal, which leads to many consequences later on (I’m remembering ‘the progressive nature of sin’ from church – it builds up over time, and one thing leads to another, and then you get to someplace where you just can’t get back and can’t undo the harm that was done – surgeries are like that).

Oh, all this came from talking about why people don’t have children. There are other reasons why people don’t want to have children, but some of those reasons would not be valid if our lifestyles were different so that it was easier to raise children. If our lifestyles made it easy to raise children, we could have children and yet still do fun things like travel or relocate or do fun things for ourselves or spend money on things we want, and we would have more freedom. The lifestyle as it is makes it impossible to do all those things and have children unless you are very wealthy.

Going to church is interesting (at least for now, until the novelty wears off and/or until I stop taking herbal drugs that change the way my brain works). I’m thinking about how I would design my own church. Not just the building, although that needs to be designed too, but I mean how I would design the church services. You go there for the purpose of being entertained. It’s like going out to see a movie. You also go there for the purpose of being in a large group of people. Maybe humans have a ‘fusion-fission’ society like the bonobo apes. The bonobo apes gather together in one large group and they talk, and yes, they are using language, but apparently this is taboo and we’re not allowed to talk about apes using language. But they are talking to each other, in a big group. Then they split apart into smaller groups during the daytime when they go hunting and gathering. Then they come back together into a big group. Maybe church serves that purpose of bringing us all back together into a big group after our daily individual hunting and gathering.

The first part of the church service was upbeat and lively, because people are just coming in from outdoors and they are all awake. Then it gradually becomes quieter and more serious, and the lights are dimmed, and the music slows down.

We should go to church every day. It should be totally integrated into our lives.

Because of my different interests and my different socionic type, I have a different concept of sin. The church spirit (in this particular church) is ESI. I myself am not as aware of ethical sins. For me, a sin is something that makes you physically unhealthy, or that causes you to damage your health in a way that cannot be repaired. It’s something that causes you to lose control over your life. I actually agree about many (but not all) of the things that they were saying were sins. But I do not believe in blaming anyone for their sins – and I didn’t get a ‘blaming’ impression from this church. It was more of an emotional acceptance feeling. I could see them expressing their emotions at the moment they felt them, as they would say something or acknowledge a weakness or something. These are also probably sensations, since they are ESI, and I’m aware of the same sorts of sensations – -Si and +Se. I can also see where they have a need for their duals the LIEs, because these ESIs are good at expressing feelings, but they might not know how to actually solve social problems, and the LIE tends to be interested in things like ‘How can I earn lots of money and then use it for some charitable purpose, like feeding people who are starving?’ (I’m starving right now, and I should quit writing and go try to cook something soon.)

I might not be able to entertain people or express emotions with them, as a group. I would not be an entertainer, not easily. But that greatly helps to bring people together and make them want to go there. These people go to church every week for a reason. They have a reputation in the church. People know their neighbors through the church. It is part of their social life outside of work. They can do some kind of work together to try to help people in need. I have my own ideas of how to go about helping people in need, and I’m trying to translate their way of doing things into something that would work for me.

*****
One thing led to another and I’m watching another video of primitive tribes. They are singing and dancing together. This is supposed to be the purpose of church, to bring us together as a group, where we sing and dance. These people are partially naked, and I am a nudist. My vision of church then would be more active singing and dancing, with naked people in a group. There’s no reason not to be naked when we are indoors in a warm place. People *need* to look at naked people. That is why everyone is watching porn. We are supposed to be able to just look at everyone naked as we walk down the streets. It’s programmed into our brains to simply need to look at people, not just for sex, but all the time.
*****

I get paid this Friday. I need to somehow save enough to pay the rent next month. After McD reopens at the end of June, I will work two jobs again and start saving money, and then I should really make more financial progress. I will be eating healthier food, unlike when I was living in the tent, and I will spend less money than I spent sleeping in the hotel, and I will have a shorter bike ride from work than I did in Lemont. I am just waiting to get settled and then I will be able to continue my projects. I’m going to take the ginkgo in small doses, and *never* take it just before work because of the extremely bad mood it gives me for several hours. It has the effect of a mild antidepressant, and it is very mild because I really cannot notice very many effects at all, yet it is having some effects that I notice which are similar to antidepressants I’ve had in the past. I certainly will not take it while pregnant, if all goes well and if I can prepare my life and be ready for the few children that I may still have. The ginkgo is temporary and I intend to use it to help me endure the stress and depression and fatigue that I have right now for various reasons, because I cannot easily change those factors affecting my life right now, but I will in the future. It gives me just a slightly more positive attitude, but isn’t strong enough to give me the really super annoying fake cheerfulness phenomenon.

I just received a new mattress and box spring from the Dumpster Fairies

May 17, 2014

I went to take out the bags of trash and saw the mattress and box springs. The box springs have a broken wooden frame sticking out of a small hole in the bottom, but I don’t care. I dragged them back across the parking lot and across the lawn into the back door of my apartment. It rained a lot in the last few days, and these were dry, so somebody must have put them out there just this morning in the last few hours. I hope they don’t change their mind and decide they want them back!

I don’t like ginkgo – too many unwanted effects, not enough helpful effects

May 17, 2014

11:55 AM 5/17/2014

I’m probably not going to take another ginkgo pill today. The unwanted side effects seem to be greater than the desirable primary effects. Really, there is no such thing as a ‘side’ effect or ‘primary’ effect, there are only ‘effects.’

If I took the pill earlier in the day, it might be better, but both times I’ve taken it right before going to work, and the first few hours are the worst. Yesterday I became extremely irritable and angry and mean, and I was annoying the IEI who I sometimes have conflicts with at work. We were in the middle of a very busy rush, and I was making food at the table. He asked me to go get him some more tortillas, and I went and got a box of them and brought them back. First I started opening the cardboard box, and he told me I was opening them the wrong way and that I should just cut around the top edges of the box, to cut off all the flaps at once. But I was in a hurry, so I was just ripping the tape off down the middle of the flaps and opening the flaps just so I could get some packages of tortillas out, and I would finish with the box after the busy rush was over.

But no, when I left the box on the floor, with the flaps open, after taking out a package of tortillas (he hadn’t needed one that very instant, but would need them soon), he told me it was really bad to leave the box sitting on the floor, we’re not allowed to leave it there – as though I was leaving it there forever and ever and ever, and as though we were going to be flooding mop water around it and soaking the box or something. That’s the reason you can’t leave boxes on the floor, because you have to mop the floor and the boxes will get wet. No other reason. It was the middle of the day, no one was mopping, no one would be mopping for many hours, the box was perfectly safe, and there were no store inspectors coming in to inspect us, and there was no reason at all for anybody within the building to care whether or not I left a cardboard box sitting on the floor temporarily in the middle of a busy rush, while fully intending to put the box away in just a *couple minutes*. Fortunately, I had a friend on my other side on the table (unknown type, but he and I get along well, and he might possibly be a SLI, but I’m not sure) – he defended me, and I forget exactly what he said, something like, ‘Well, if anybody told me that I had to do that, I would tell them to *kiss my ass*!’

But then I decided to do exactly what I was told to do – in the middle of the busy rush, abandoning the IEI on the table to make the food with only one person helping him instead of two, so that the customers would be forced to wait while they made food slowly as I slowly walked over and fooled around with cardboard box at the worst possible time, complaining loudly in a sarcastic voice the whole time about how something *terrible* would happen if I didn’t move this box out of the way *right this instant* because I didn’t have *any other priorities* right now, because *moving this box* and *cutting off the box flaps* is *more important* than making food for the customers *in the middle of a busy rush*. So I just fooled around slowly, cutting off the box flaps, slowly dragging the box and putting it into the shelf where it was supposed to go, while the two people remaining on my side of the table struggled to make all the food by themselves. This is one of those times when an IEI must rule-follow blindly, with no sense of context or situation, unable to comprehend the reasons behind the rules (the boxes will get wet if we mop the floors), unable to understand that those reasons don’t apply right now (we’re not mopping, and making the food right now is more urgent), but instead must BLINDLY FOLLOW RULE RIGHT NOW EVERY TIME FOLLOW RULE FOLLOW RULE MUST FOLLOW RULE! SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN IF WE DON’T FOLLOW RULE!

Normally, when I’m not taking any drugs, I would have just felt a flash of anger and suppressed it, or ignored him and defied him and continued making food at the table. I probably would not have gone around loudly making sarcastic comments about how it was the end of the world if I didn’t cut off the box flaps and move this box right this instant, and how I had saved the world from certain destruction after I did it. That was all the drugs talking. It was a typical superego socionic conflict, but the drugs intensified it. The socionic conflict was over my greater strength in knowing why we have these rules, why we do these things, when they matter and when they don’t, when to follow a rule and when to break it. I can see my point of view, but I can’t see his. He would describe the situation differently, probably calling me short-sighted or something like that.

I did not notice any horrible dreams last night, but I am noticing memory problems. I am having the phenomenon where I can’t remember an ordinary word that I use often, and I struggle for a long time to remember it, while the voices put the wrong word into my head over and over and over again, like a bad autocomplete, because the people reading my mind behave as though they are only able to see the first letter of the word that I am looking for. I don’t know how their system actually works, but it seems like that. I was looking for the word for ‘settled agriculture,’ when I was riding my bike home last night, and I couldn’t think of the word ‘settled,’ and I still don’t think that’s the right word. It means permanent and immovable, but I never found the word. They were throwing a hundred random words beginning with S, every time I struggled to remember the word, and some of the words were similar to what I was looking for, but not the right thing – for example, ‘sessile,’ which is used in biology to describe an underwater sponge, which is unable to move and walk around, and is attached to the ground beneath it. ‘Stable,’ ‘stationary,’ ‘sessile,’ ‘settled,’ and others were words they were throwing at me, but none of them were the right word, and for all I know, it didn’t even begin with S. This type of thing only happens when I’m on drugs.

But I am not getting any really helpful effects from the ginkgo, just the unpleasant side effects – nausea, very irritable, memory problems. I need something that can give me enough hope that I am able to do what I need to do and take actions now, because I am almost out of money. I don’t want to call mom and dad, but I could. I have silver coins, but don’t want to sell them at a loss, but I could. (Also, I need to do further testing to find out whether the coins from that antique shop guy are contaminated with ephedra and other substances from my old apartment, because I sold all my coins back to him after they had been touching the contaminated carpet, and afterwards, when I bought stuff from him, I got badly contaminated again – so I need to test coins bought from a different supplier, and find out whether I have bad reactions to all coins in general, perhaps from other heavy metals like mercury contaminating them, or from the silver itself, so I want to buy coins from some other source, maybe online – the point is, I don’t want to keep my coins after I do my final decontamination, because I don’t want future outbreaks of residues next time I open up the coins.) I could also ask random people if I could borrow money from them if I had to.

I am actually going to write a note and request more hours at TB right away – I just really, really, really don’t want to work more hours there. But that solution has the fewest number of steps and is therefore the easiest solution to achieve. I can do it quickly.

I could take St. John’s Wort, but I would spend even more time sleeping and then forcing myself awake with caffeine, and I would be even more susceptible to torture and harassment from the murderers, and I would be more irritable at work, while still working alongside several IEIs who blindly follow rules when the rules don’t apply, and who have irrational germ-phobias in situations where germs are not a threat. Those two conflicts happen over, and over, and over again with me and those two IEIs, and it’s obviously a socionic superego conflict.

Maybe when they are both 80 or 90 years old, they will have finally learned that not all surfaces everywhere are covered with live, crawling AIDS viruses that will kill everyone if we touch them, but for now, they don’t know that, and they never will during the time that we have to work together. For now, I still have to work with them while they believe that every surface they touch is covered with deadly germs that must be washed off with soap and sanitizer while you sing ‘Happy Birthday To You,’ and that you must not touch Surface X before touching Surface Y, and that Object A must not be put in Location B or else the entire universe will collapse.

If we were dealing with drug residues, that stuff would actually be true, but we are dealing with germs, and germs, for all practical purposes, do not exist and are not relevant in the situations that they think they exist in. Germs are only a problem in particular situations, like hospitals where people are cutting people’s bodies open and doing surgery (and surgery should be illegal – it is almost always, about 98 or 99% of the time, both harmful and unnecessary – so the only reason the germ problem even exists is because stupid, evil, ignorant people are doing an activity that they should not be doing in the first place). Germs also are a problem if you leave *particular types* of foods, but not other types of foods, sitting at room temperature for a long time, like several hours, but it’s okay to leave them sitting out for a couple of minutes – and lo, wouldn’t you know it, the IEI once got on my case because I had a couple pans with hot liquid foods in them sitting on the counter for a couple of minutes while I was moving a few things around, and I had no intention of leaving them there forever.

Germs are also a problem for people whose diets are malnourishing or whose diets contain particular foods and chemicals that are toxic. People got tuberculosis because of something in the food, which the modern white invaders were giving to the primitive natives. It might have been heavy metals or some other chemical, in addition to improperly processed white flour. I’ve also been reading about the horrors caused by potatoes. To make a long story short, if you read a web page that talks about the history of potatoes being used as food, everything that they used to say about the potato is true: it really is ‘the root of evil,’ it is Satan’s apple, it causes leprosy, it causes the symptoms of syphilis, it causes moral degeneration and excessive sexuality, and everything else they say about it, because potatoes are poisonous. Nowadays, it’s causing an illness called… let me look it up… hidradenitis suppurativa (HS), which is similar to leprosy. The germ theory of disease had misled people to think that this is caused by a fungus or something, and maybe the fungus is present in the wounds, but the real reason why you get those wounds and why they don’t heal is because you are eating potatoes. I know that eating raw potatoes causes a severe skin rash, so I can totally believe this.

Hopefully, I will not be prompted, or forced, to take the ginkgo tonight, because it’s not helping enough, and it’s just making me very angry at work. I need to write a note asking for more hours, and I need to eat and get ready to go in to work again this evening. I need some long-term solutions, and I need to make progress in my life, and all progress has stalled, but now that I am not earning enough money, I totally cannot work on any long-term projects at all.

I’m trying another one

May 16, 2014

I decided to go ahead and try one more ginkgo pill today. The funny thing is, why would I even bother to buy a bottle of ginkgo pills when there are half a dozen or so ginkgo trees growing in the parking lot outside Weis and Taco Bell? How is ginkgo in a bottle different from fresh growing ginkgo leaves? Well, maybe raw leaves would be very strong, whereas dried out ones are not so strong. But it was a ‘prompted impulse’ buy.