Archive for June, 2015

Factory farm chickens given Prozac, Tylenol, Benadryl, Caffeine

June 30, 2015

Well, it’s going to be hard to quit caffeine if you are eating factory farm chicken. So, chicken will trigger a caffeine craving. Chickens are being fed Prozac, Tylenol, Benadryl, and caffeine in their chicken feed. Prozac causes obesity. So does arsenic, which is also being found in chickens. Arsenic causes obesity, but lead causes you to be underweight, too skinny and deformed. They found traces of all of those drugs in the chickens, so… you’re eating that, and then going into Prozac withdrawal. And getting fat rapidly, even if the chickens aren’t allowed to be fed hormones that make them fat rapidly. What are the consequences of taking Benadryl, Tylenol, arsenic, Prozac, and caffeine every time you eat a piece of chicken? What does that do to your liver?

Prozac – given, I suppose, to keep the chickens ‘happy’ or ‘numb.’

caffeine – rationale that the article gave was: to keep them awake so they would eat more. That doesn’t make sense, because caffeine is a hunger suppressant, and when I eat caffeine, I want less food. That seems stupid and counterproductive, aside from the fact that it is COMPLETELY INSANE.

benadryl: to reduce anxiety because ‘anxiety makes them grow slower and makes their meat tougher.’

arsenic: from roxarsone, to fight parasites and thereby make chickens ‘plumper.’

antibiotics: used to make them grow faster, somehow, since they’re not allowed to use hormones to do that. So, if antibiotics make chickens grow faster, what do antibiotics do to humans? Growing faster does not mean growing better. It means your bones are improperly formed and all of your tissues are are also improperly formed – there are subtle defects you will see under a microscope or with chemical analysis, such as lack of trace minerals, the lack of structures that are supposed to be there, etc. Sure, you can push a magic button and grow really big really fast. Maybe it makes people into bigger, fatter, uglier gorillas. They’re growing up bigger than humans are supposed to be because of all these antibiotics and chemicals. I don’t know, this is all speculation from me.

I just was shocked – should I ever be shocked anymore? – to find out about all the drugs they’re giving the chickens. Prozac! Prozac! People are going into *Prozac withdrawal*! They’re becoming obese due to prozac!

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inevitability

June 30, 2015

Because I have to leave this apartment, I am looking into the future at what is inevitable and what I am afraid of. There are two very likely scenarios. In the first one, I find an apartment but I take money from Mom and Dad to pay the security deposit, which means I will have an unpleasant conversation with Mom and Dad. In the second one, I go camping again, although I have not yet chosen a location, and this prevents an unpleasant conversation with my parents and gives me more independence, but I am at risk of one or both of my cats running away because they don’t know where their home is and they aren’t sure I’m coming back if I go away from the tent for any period of time.

I am looking at other things involving inevitability and fear. If I quit caffeine, then I see the inevitability of calling off sick from work, then spending two weeks doing nothing but lying in bed. That’s why I don’t quit caffeine. If I have to answer the question ‘why don’t you quit caffeine,’ that is the first answer. Then that means angry and upset confrontations with various people – Mary Jo would be knocking on my door wondering why I hadn’t come out of my bedroom for two weeks, my parents would be upset if they heard I lost my job, Mom would cry (like she did recently on the phone).

Harry Browne, Libertarian Presidential Candidate (murdered: someone gave him the ALS virus deliberately, using an unknown method, maybe they paid a million dollars to give him a shot with a bad vaccine?) wrote in his books that it made him feel better if he looked into the future and fully acted out all the bad scenarios his mind was imagining, in as much detail as possible, which made them become less frightening.

I have to go to work. I think I’m riding my bike to work today. It’s a very bad day.

The point is that now that I am being forced to leave this apartment, I must look at the inevitable or very likely possible scenarios. I must name them, I must describe them, I must say which one is the most likely, I must do these things in a short period of time. I am not going to die instantly as a result of any of these scenarios except random accidents. But I am terrified of emotional confrontations.

Activity Relation

June 29, 2015

I have recently encountered several different people who have activity relations to me in socionics (SLI – EII).

**********************************************************
http://www.the16types.info/vbulletin/content.php/86-Activity-Relations

Activity Relations

Notes

These relations exist between the following types:
INTj (LII, Ti-Ne) – ISFp (SEI, Si-Fe)
ENTp (ILE, Ne-Ti) – ESFj (ESE, Fe-Si)
INFp (IEI, Ni-Fe) – ISTj (LSI, Ti-Se)
ENFj (EIE, Fe-Ni) – ESTp (SLE, Se-Ti)
INTp (ILI, Ni-Te) – ISFj (ESI, Fi-Se)
ENTj (LIE, Te-Ni) – ESFp (SEE, Se-Fi)
INFj (EII, Fi-Ne) – ISTp (SLI, Si-Te)
ENFp (IEE, Ne-Fi) – ESTj (LSE, Te-Si)

Related links and discussions

Wikisocion – Activity
Activity discussion threads and examples
Intertype Relations by Filatova
Full Intertype Relations Chart

Descriptions by various authors

Valentina Meged, Anatoly Ovcharov

At first interaction is invigorating. Partners activate each other in all initiatives and undertakings. They strive to provide mutual assistance, but join activity is complicated. When their interests coincide and focus on the same goal, the methods for achieving it don’t satisfy both partners. Partners start to make higher demands of each other. This leads to unnecessary disputes and mutual frustration. Because cooperation is complicated, each partner ends up having to solve problems on his own. Emotional exhaustion is a common effect, which is why partners should periodically increase psychological distance. Presence of outsiders is beneficial and helps to distract partners from misunderstandings. Activity partners quickly forgive each other. Switching attention to something else or stopping communication normalizes these relations.

I.D. Vaisband, publications on Socionics

These are very favorable relations, although not as much as duality. Partners mutually activate each other, periodically requiring rest. Contrary to the relations of duality these relations do not possess a trace of jealousy. There is certain tension due to absense of full compensation. Partners may tire each other out due to different rhythms of life, since one partner is a rational type while the other is irrational.

O.B. Slinko “The key to heart – Socionics”

One of the most favorable types of intertype relations are relations of activation. Leading function of your activator provides information for your mobilizing function, thus communication with such partner enlivens, improves mood, fills with enthusiasm, and generally causes pleasure. These relations are homovert, meaning both partners are either introverted or extraverted. If both partners are introverts, then interaction makes them feel more extraverted, more freely expressive. Activity partners help each other move work projects along. However, interaction in activity pair cannot last indefinitely; partners needs to periodically distance and rest from each other. It should not be forgotten that you activity partner is very different from you and you may come to disagree with many aspects of his personality and even become irritated if communication is prolonged.

R.K. Sedih, “Information psychoanalysis”

Ego – SuperId. Potential for conflicts is small here as the difference in interacting functions is quite large (second function is much weaker than first one). Nevertheless, partners are not inclined to completely undertake responsibility for each other. Relations between activity partners can look like a constant demonstration of goodwill and good qualities. The base function of one partner feeds into mobilizing function of the other, prompting him into action. Periodically partners grow tired of each other and require separation. One of my students told me a story about his uncle and aunt, ILE-ESE. They were deeply in love with each other, but to rest from each other they would completely separate for one day a week. Even this wasn’t enough. These people who called each other “the bane of my heart” have been through three divorces, which completely baffled their relatives and friends. Luckily they have never separated for good, but learned to direct the extra energy into good causes. Both of them built excellent careers without special effect and done a great deal of social work. If they knew about Jung’s typology they would have avoided many of the initial problems. It is much easier, for example, to offend your activity partner than your dual. The strongly categorical creative function of one is met with much weaker suggestive function of the other. This is why it is best to tone down categorical judgements and not waste any time on detailed
explanations.

Laima Stankevichyute, “Intertype relations”

This is a very favorable type of relations, which differs little from duality, though communication here takes place across all eight elements of the psyche. Activity partners find common language very easily and quickly close distance. Since communication here progresses along ascending line, people who have an activator in their family are more energetic, active and organized. Conflicts are rare since in these types of relations partners usually express their grievances with each other privately. Sometimes partners may feel mental fatigue but it quickly passes if they separate for some time.

A.V. Bukalov, G. Boiko, “Why Saddam Hussein made a mistake, or what is Socionics”

If dual relations alleviates energy and mental stress load of the partners, in relations of activity this is not the case – activity partners serve to mobilize one another. These are relations between two extravers or two introverts, one of which is rational and another irrational. Partners raise overall vitality, but this effect can be too much. However, assimilation of information passes is not always full. There is an overload of vital functions that are not adapted to such information, thus prolonged communication tires both partners out. They have to increase psychological distance for some time, rest from each other, after which they will be ready to engage again. This type of relations is very good for engaging in common activities together. Partners have the same direction unlike in dual relations, but because partners can exhaust each other they are not ideal for family relations.

V.V. Gulenko “Criteria of reciprocity”

Hospitable adaptation

Talking with each other is interesting, but communication is not very deep. Establishing contact is easy, but breaking it is just as easy as well. Effort is needed to keep your attention on your activity partner for a longer periods of time. Desire to start up a discussion is lowered: after expressing your views conversation adopts a neutral tone. Getting to know each other closer, partners treat each other on equal footing. Partner accustomed to taking lead lowers his demands. Partner lower in rank feels an increase in his communication status. Because of this effect there is an element of tension present in communication.

Binary attributes intertype relations

In activity relations, it is difficult to maintain the rationality of joint ventures without which activity pair will fall into period of confusion and inconsistant behavior. These relations require a lot of verbal communication and more open and active displays of affection, which can significantly exhaust the partners.

These relations are permeated by turbulent emotion. Activity pair becomes quite scattered and restless. These relations are more suitable for informal contacts rather than business ones. Emotional over-activation inhibits logical functions.

These relations have an element of sensory caretaking. However, the partner that provides the care is expecting same in return or a submissions to his tastes and wishes. Harmonious activity pair can cultivate and maintain their territory quite well.

The dynamics of activity relations is characterized by a steady increase of tensions, which leads to violent discharge of emotions. Activity pair puts all their effort into achieving what both partners desire often not taking other people’s time into account.

Both partners try to stress their independence, individuality, ability to achieve what one’s goals. Over time, activity partners overload each other, and if measures are not taken to discharge this load it may lead to an explosion within the relationship. Partners
periodically find themselves thrown back, but then with renewed vigor work on restoring the situation.

Advice for getting along

Activity partners awaken a lot of emotional energy in each other which requires an outlet. The stronger the activation, the more people get involved in the sphere of activities of this pair. Partners should strive to explain to each other the motives and reasoning of their actions, otherwise there will be misunderstandings and reproaches. In this pair one partner typically assumes a caretaker role and demands emphasized positive attention and special benefits from the other.

Partners should strive to spend some time alone, away from each other, as too much activation will exhaust them emotionally potentially leading to nervous breakdown. Remember that due to strong activation effect both of you may over-dramatize problems in your relations and make hasty decisions. In communication it is better to not touch upon serious topics. These relations are most stable when interaction is light and pleasant. Frequently invite people over to your house, go out visit cafes, attend various local events. Allocate more of your time on taking care of household duties, taking care of children, organizing holidays and vacations, and so on.

V.V. Gulenko, A.V. Molodtsev, “Introduction to socionics”

These are the easiest relations to start. Activity partners do not experience any difficulties in communication, which is pleasantly surprising to both. It is as if they warm each other up, encourage activity in one another. Such interaction is very attractive, especially given the right subtypes. However, given more time relations “overheat” and partners grow tired of constant activation. In this case it is better to distance. Then it is safe to return back and experience intensification once again. Relations thus have a pulsating character. The pleasure and ease of communication that are highly prized during leisure times is replaced by problems when partners join to complete everyday tasks. Here they start to give each other advice which hits their weak functions, instead of taking up the workload themselves. This is unpleasant to both. However, overall this advice is useful and should not be underestimated. The problem is that no matter how you react, you cannot develop your weak features further. Another difficulty lies in the fact that activity partners do not transfer information in the way that is best received by another. One partner thinks that information is too vague and hazy, to the other it seem too crude, shallow, and grounded. This is explained by the rationality-irrationality differences. However, the overall content of information is still acceptable to both. Activity relations are not very well suited for everyday or workday interaction because they don’t encourage optimal vitality. They are best for holidays and spending leisure time together. Two dual dyads upon meeting each other can experience mobilization due to presence of their activity partners in the other dyad, which creates a festive atmosphere. Taking on common tasks is difficult due to unreliability and unpredictability of activity partner. Each partner may act in a way that’s best for him or her without taking the other into consideration. Effectively partners cannot fully rely on each other at any time. Term “activation” is more applicable to a pair of introverts. Extraverted pairs instead experience a soothing effect and greater introversion.

Wikisocion

Activation, or activity, is an intertype relation between two people that belong to opposite poles of all basic dichotomies except for extraversion and introversion (e.g. SLI, which is introverted, sensing, logical, and irrational, and EII, which is introverted, intuitive, ethical, and rational.) Activation partners belong to the same quadra and thus find it comfortable to let down their guard around each other, making this relationship very easy to start.

Activation is a very common relationship for friendship. Activation is similar to duality in that each person provides those kinds of information that the other most expects, however, the emphasis is always somewhat different than subconsciously expected. Partners are able to provide each other with an abundance of useful information and assistance, but lead separate lives and make decisions based on criteria that don’t seem too important to the other.

Activation partners who become close and discuss their goals and personal worldviews often are struck by how radically different they are, despite the relative ease and benefit of communication. As opposed to duals, who tend to strive for the same things but from differing, though compatible angles, activation partners’ approaches to achieving their goals tend to be fundamentally incompatible, due largely to the difference in rationality and irrationality. This means that while activation partners can talk and share their common hobbies with ease, they tend to view each other as separate entities with separate lifestyles and plans.

Ekaterina Filatova, “Art of understanding yourself and others”

These relations are quite favorable, though not as much as duality relations, since here strong second function of one partner activates weak fourth function of the other.

Relations are symmetric, but lack full compensations. Partners periodically grow tired of each other due to difference in rhythms of life, since one partner is rational and the other irrational.

Eugene Gorenko, Vladimir Tolstikov, “Nature of self”

Typically these relations keep both partners in elated, excited mood. Communication is energetic and leaves a vivid impression. Partners get along especially well if they have a common task.

Socioniocs.com

Homoverted – Symmetrical – Arrhythmical

These relations are the easiest and quickest to start. Activity partners do not experience any visual difficulties when starting relations which can be surprising to them at the beginning. Partners stimulate each other into activity. Interaction with an Activity partner becomes really satisfying especially if both partners feel a mutual attraction. However, with continuous interaction over a long period comes overactivation which normally results in an overall tiredness of each other (a good example is when you watch a comedy that is so funny that after half the film you do not have the energy to laugh anymore). When this happens Activity partners need a short rest from each other, after which they can enjoy a positive
interaction once again. This pattern repeats itself giving these relations an oscillating character. If partners cannot take a break from each other, it can cause negative stimulation to take the place of positive.

Although overall interaction between partners is nice and easy, when it comes to fulfilling everyday duties and matters together, partners usually meet with many problems. Instead of solving the problems, Activity partners tend to give advice to each other on how to solve these problems, often affecting each others weak points. The advice of an Activity partner is always useful as it can strengthen your weakness, but not so much that it will ever become your strength.

The other problem with these relations is that information between Activity partners always needs some adjustments. One partner may think of it as too foggy and not concrete enough, whereas for the other partner it is too unrefined. Collaboration is also difficult, because partners cannot predict each others behavior and actions in what seem to be ordinary situations. Because of this, partners cannot rely or count on each other in full. Most of the problems that arise during Activity relationships are because one partner is always Perceiving and the other is always Judging, meaning that they live in different life rhythms.

These relations are excellent for leisure, but not for day to day activities. When two Duality pairs gather together (forming a complete Quadrable) they experience a feeling of elation. The reason for this is that when two Duality pairs interact with each other, the two introverts (one from each Duality pair) and the two extroverts (again, one from each Duality pair) interact with each other as relations of Activity. Introverts in relations of Activity become slightly extroverted and more open, whereas two extroverts will often calm down a little.

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This article was originally published in forum thread: Activity relations–various authors (machine trans) started by snoreKill View original post
Categories:
Socionics,
Intertype Relations
Tags: activity, intertype relations, intertype relationships

I upset the voices by talking about that; some thoughts about Dario Nardi who is gathering data about personality types through EEG readings

June 29, 2015

1:44 PM 6/29/2015

So, I saw this, and started attempting to fill out one or two of them, then quit.

http://www.keys2cognition.com/explore.htm

It’s by Dario Nardi. My first thought (or maybe the voices, or maybe both of us) was, ‘Is *this* all he could come up with?’

I have been interested in Dario Nardi’s work, and yet very distrusting at the same time. I would like to find out more. There are reasons why I distrust his work.

Dario Nardi is studying how the personality types manifest in EEGs (brain scans). This is exactly what I want to do. I want a device that will scan your brain and instantly figure out which personality type you are, although I wouldn’t mind if it took a couple minutes to do instead of instantly.

I just thought of something. All the type descriptions are designed to be positive sounding, which means they never tell the truth about anything negative. People would find it much easier to type themselves if the descriptions also contained negatives. I don’t see a lot of descriptions of SEIs talking about killing people. (Okay. 😦 Now I have voices arguing with me. It’s a bad voice day. They think maybe I mistyped that person when he’s actually an SLE. So I guess now we’re going to be making all the Alpha SFs out to be not using any kind of -Se because -Se is viewed as a bad thing, then? Sure, that’ll cover it up! Great job! That’s right, there couldn’t possibly be *any* shameless racists in the Alpha Quadra! I guess I must have been mistaken!) I don’t see a lot of type descriptions mentioning anything about how LSIs and SLEs talk about killing people, either. I’m sure that would help instantly prove to everyone that the J/P switch is absolutely wrong. I’d get typed as an ISTJ and would instantly know that it’s wrong because I never talk about killing anyone.

Now I’m going to have to fight with the voices all day long because they think that one guy is a SLE rather than an SEI. That’s right, it’s just not possible that there could be any connection at all between -Se and racism – of course, I’ve got it all wrong! I hate it when this happens. If ‘the voices’ don’t like a particular typing, or have some kind of agenda they want to promote, then they will try to convince me that I’ve typed someone wrong. They want to prove that all SEIs/ISFPs are nice, loving, nonviolent people who would never, ever, under any circumstances, talk about racism or killing. Maybe I could say that it was mostly the LSI who talked about killing n-words, and the SEI just expressed a lot of negative emotions and dislike and general statements about n-words. Can I remember the details of every single conversation, every word said by every participant? No, I cannot. If we are going into the ‘some particular type isn’t allowed to say these things’ territory, then ‘they’ would mention my father, who would occasionally say that some particular country should just be nuked off the map and that would fix the problems. These were occasional conversations, not an everyday thing. I got along well with the SEI and liked him. He did not feel like an SLE to me. I could be wrong – maybe he was just an especially tolerant, easygoing, emotional SLE who wasn’t all domineering and didn’t say a million things that – never mind, I’m just pretty sure he was an SEI. I make mistakes and I am sometimes wrong, but ‘the voices’ apparently have an agenda that says all SEIs are absolutely peaceful people who wouldn’t ever hurt a fly. That’s right – every SEI is a vegan who has never gone hunting in his life.

Wouldn’t the SEI have -Te/+Ti as his vulnerable function? Wouldn’t he just agree and go along with the LSI who was really the one making the racist statements? I think I recall the SEI initiating racist statements of his own.

Not sure why ‘the voices’ can’t handle the thought of an SEI being a shameless racist who participated in conversations about killing. Apparently ‘they’ don’t like it that I typed them so accurately and told the truth.

I didn’t worry about these conversations because neither of the participants seemed to actually mean that they were going to *do* these things for real, and neither of them sounded like they had ever actually done them in the past. Now I’m being interrogated because ‘the voices’ are all upset about this – apperently Homeland Security is on high alert since we’ve had shootings.

Jesse himself was mildly racist sometimes, but he also liked comedies done by black people and had black friends, and he seemed anxious when he was being racist. He too was capable of talking about killing other people or himself, but again, with anxiety, uncertainty, and insecurity, not with the certainty of someone who had this as a strong function. Anybody who has -Se anywhere in their verbal ring (mental ring) is capable of talking about this, they just do it with a greater or lesser degree of confidence.

So I’m going to be attacked by the voices in my head all day long because I said something that didn’t fit the type description of an SEI.

I started off writing about Dario Nardi, then got totally sidetracked, partly because I am blogging at work and being distracted, since it’s kind of busy today, and I am having a very bad brain day.

Dario Nardi. I sort of like him and hate him at the same time, and I keep looking for things to criticize. He’s studying the personality types by using EEGs, which is what I also want to do. I want a testing device that will quickly determine personality type in a few minutes at most, but it must be 100% accurate, unlike a human tester or an online test where you answer questions. I am sick and tired of tests that are very inaccurate and give you the wrong answer, only to mislead you for years and years while you believe you are another type (all the ISTPs coming out as INTPs and INTJs and all that, because the test designers have no idea how to describe sensing in a way that sensors can relate to, especially Delta sensing!).

So Dario Nardi made that test with the questions which I linked to above. I saw it mentioned in one of the personality forums, and I had never noticed it before because I didn’t know who Dario Nardi was and the name meant nothing to me, and I wasn’t curious.

Those questions, unfortunately, cannot be answered by forgetting what you already know about personality types, which is what the
instructions say to do, which is the reason why I cannot take any kind of online tests anymore – I know what each question is testing for, so I know what I am ‘supposed’ to say because I already know what type I am. I can’t answer a question in a new way unless it is a new question that I have never seen before, so that I don’t have the slightest idea which information element it might be referring to.

All of the questions have to be trick questions designed to fool you into accidentally telling the truth, in spite of all the knowledge you already have about personality types and information elements. Or, we could just skip all that and do an EEG while you are doing various activities. Because of socionics, I know that for each function you are using, you will have particular feelings – I like this, I dislike this, this is annoying or boring, I refuse to react to this, etc. He gives them a variety of activities to do while monitoring their EEGs.

I myself want to give them 16 different types of activities
corresponding to all 16 plus and minus elements. The tests have to be able to see whether you are using it at a high level or a low level. He says that you start to resemble your activator as you get older, except he didn’t use the word ‘activator’ and called it ‘near opposite’ instead, since he isn’t officially in socionics.

One reason why I distrust him is because I don’t know what model he’s using. He seems to be using bits and pieces of several different models at different times. He is mostly talking about things the way the JCF/MBTI people talk about them, on his web pages. I want to know why it is that I agree so strongly with socionics Model B, having seen it in reality, but according to Dario Nardi, an ENFP and an ENTP are using a similar kind of Ne, although there was some other place where he said that an ENFP and an INTP have a very similar brain scan, which would fit more with Model B. He doesn’t say anything about there being any differences between an ENTP and an ENFP’s Ne.

The EEG doesn’t have a very high resolution and cannot see down deep into the brain, it can only detect whatever is happening at the surface. It can only detect the ‘lump sum’ in that particular area, and there is no way it could extract all the various signals adding up to that lump sum.

The SEI was a tobacco chewer and smoker. I know that tobacco causes sickness, which can cause you to say bitter things. The other guy, the LSI, was an alcoholic (who didn’t really refer to himself as an alcoholic, but he was). As I myself observed, you go into very bad moods and depression in between each drink.

Anyway, I would like to see more info from Dario Nardi. I’m hoping he would help develop the 100% accurate typing hat thingy. He doesn’t rant and rave about how inaccurate all the tests are and how everyone is mistyped, especially when they use the J/P switch. That’s one reason why I don’t really trust him – he doesn’t seem to care enough about the fact that everyone is mistyped and that it really *matters* a lot to be typed correctly. He just briefly mentions, on one of his web pages, about the J/P switch method of typing people and says that introverts in the MBTI will have a different type compared to their type in socionics, but he made no comment about just how horrendous this situation was and how it was everywhere and millions of people were getting the completely wrong type because of it and being disillusioned with both the MBTI and also socionics because socionics wouldn’t work either if you were typed that way. He didn’t seem to understand the magnitude of just how *bad* this is. Merely one quick mention of it on a web page doesn’t do it enough justice. He needs to rant and rave for pages and pages about how much damage is being done by the J/P switch method and how an informational campaign needs to be done, all over the entire planet, to correct this disinformation and prevent people from ever, ever, ever using that method again. Nope – to him, it’s just another method, equal to all the other methods, not a particularly bad method or anything, kind of like saying Adolf Hitler was just another politician like all the other politicians, or something.

So if he doesn’t rant and rave about the horrific inaccuracies and mistypings, then how do I know that his own typings are trustworthy? How do I know that he’s even making an effort to get them typed correctly? Why would he even care whether people were typed correctly or not, if it’s unimportant, if it’s not worth ranting and raving about? He could be just another person who types people however he feels like it and doesn’t care about the consequences or how much harm is being done when people are mistyped.

I won’t be here at work much longer. Maybe I will try to watch a video of his. He has a lot of youtube videos. I can’t turn the sound up loud enough though, and my headphones haven’t worked since the hackers destroyed them several years ago – the headphone jack itself won’t work, and it happened immediately after I wrote a blog about how much I enjoyed a particular song. Obviously, it was to take away my enjoyment of any music. It happened by itself for no reason when the laptop was never hit or broken or dropped or anything – just one day it worked, the next day it did not, the end, and it has never worked since, and I can’t use it for telephone calls now either.

I’ll just go ahead and post this. Basically I got the voices all upset by talking about some things that people said, but, like I said, I didn’t get the impression that they had ever done those things or were planning to do them in reality.

I upset the voices by talking about that; some thoughts about Dario Nardi who is gathering data about personality types through EEG readings

June 29, 2015

1:44 PM 6/29/2015

So, I saw this, and started attempting to fill out one or two of them, then quit.

http://www.keys2cognition.com/explore.htm

It’s by Dario Nardi. My first thought (or maybe the voices, or maybe both of us) was, ‘Is *this* all he could come up with?’

I have been interested in Dario Nardi’s work, and yet very distrusting at the same time. I would like to find out more. There are reasons why I distrust his work.

Dario Nardi is studying how the personality types manifest in EEGs (brain scans). This is exactly what I want to do. I want a device that will scan your brain and instantly figure out which personality type you are, although I wouldn’t mind if it took a couple minutes to do instead of instantly.

I just thought of something. All the type descriptions are designed to be positive sounding, which means they never tell the truth about anything negative. People would find it much easier to type themselves if the descriptions also contained negatives. I don’t see a lot of descriptions of SEIs talking about killing people. (Okay. 😦 Now I have voices arguing with me. It’s a bad voice day. They think maybe I mistyped that person when he’s actually an SLE. So I guess now we’re going to be making all the Alpha SFs out to be not using any kind of -Se because -Se is viewed as a bad thing, then? Sure, that’ll cover it up! Great job! That’s right, there couldn’t possibly be *any* shameless racists in the Alpha Quadra! I guess I must have been mistaken!) I don’t see a lot of type descriptions mentioning anything about how LSIs and SLEs talk about killing people, either. I’m sure that would help instantly prove to everyone that the J/P switch is absolutely wrong. I’d get typed as an ISTJ and would instantly know that it’s wrong because I never talk about killing anyone.

Now I’m going to have to fight with the voices all day long because they think that one guy is a SLE rather than an SEI. That’s right, it’s just not possible that there could be any connection at all between -Se and racism – of course, I’ve got it all wrong! I hate it when this happens. If ‘the voices’ don’t like a particular typing, or have some kind of agenda they want to promote, then they will try to convince me that I’ve typed someone wrong. They want to prove that all SEIs/ISFPs are nice, loving, nonviolent people who would never, ever, under any circumstances, talk about racism or killing. Maybe I could say that it was mostly the LSI who talked about killing n-words, and the SEI just expressed a lot of negative emotions and dislike and general statements about n-words. Can I remember the details of every single conversation, every word said by every participant? No, I cannot. If we are going into the ‘some particular type isn’t allowed to say these things’ territory, then ‘they’ would mention my father, who would occasionally say that some particular country should just be nuked off the map and that would fix the problems. These were occasional conversations, not an everyday thing. I got along well with the SEI and liked him. He did not feel like an SLE to me. I could be wrong – maybe he was just an especially tolerant, easygoing, emotional SLE who wasn’t all domineering and didn’t say a million things that – never mind, I’m just pretty sure he was an SEI. I make mistakes and I am sometimes wrong, but ‘the voices’ apparently have an agenda that says all SEIs are absolutely peaceful people who wouldn’t ever hurt a fly. That’s right – every SEI is a vegan who has never gone hunting in his life.

Wouldn’t the SEI have -Te/+Ti as his vulnerable function? Wouldn’t he just agree and go along with the LSI who was really the one making the racist statements? I think I recall the SEI initiating racist statements of his own.

Not sure why ‘the voices’ can’t handle the thought of an SEI being a shameless racist who participated in conversations about killing. Apparently ‘they’ don’t like it that I typed them so accurately and told the truth.

I didn’t worry about these conversations because neither of the participants seemed to actually mean that they were going to *do* these things for real, and neither of them sounded like they had ever actually done them in the past. Now I’m being interrogated because ‘the voices’ are all upset about this – apperently Homeland Security is on high alert since we’ve had shootings.

Jesse himself was mildly racist sometimes, but he also liked comedies done by black people and had black friends, and he seemed anxious when he was being racist. He too was capable of talking about killing other people or himself, but again, with anxiety, uncertainty, and insecurity, not with the certainty of someone who had this as a strong function. Anybody who has -Se anywhere in their verbal ring (mental ring) is capable of talking about this, they just do it with a greater or lesser degree of confidence.

So I’m going to be attacked by the voices in my head all day long because I said something that didn’t fit the type description of an SEI.

I started off writing about Dario Nardi, then got totally sidetracked, partly because I am blogging at work and being distracted, since it’s kind of busy today, and I am having a very bad brain day.

Dario Nardi. I sort of like him and hate him at the same time, and I keep looking for things to criticize. He’s studying the personality types by using EEGs, which is what I also want to do. I want a testing device that will quickly determine personality type in a few minutes at most, but it must be 100% accurate, unlike a human tester or an online test where you answer questions. I am sick and tired of tests that are very inaccurate and give you the wrong answer, only to mislead you for years and years while you believe you are another type (all the ISTPs coming out as INTPs and INTJs and all that, because the test designers have no idea how to describe sensing in a way that sensors can relate to, especially Delta sensing!).

So Dario Nardi made that test with the questions which I linked to above. I saw it mentioned in one of the personality forums, and I had never noticed it before because I didn’t know who Dario Nardi was and the name meant nothing to me, and I wasn’t curious.

Those questions, unfortunately, cannot be answered by forgetting what you already know about personality types, which is what the
instructions say to do, which is the reason why I cannot take any kind of online tests anymore – I know what each question is testing for, so I know what I am ‘supposed’ to say because I already know what type I am. I can’t answer a question in a new way unless it is a new question that I have never seen before, so that I don’t have the slightest idea which information element it might be referring to.

All of the questions have to be trick questions designed to fool you into accidentally telling the truth, in spite of all the knowledge you already have about personality types and information elements. Or, we could just skip all that and do an EEG while you are doing various activities. Because of socionics, I know that for each function you are using, you will have particular feelings – I like this, I dislike this, this is annoying or boring, I refuse to react to this, etc. He gives them a variety of activities to do while monitoring their EEGs.

I myself want to give them 16 different types of activities
corresponding to all 16 plus and minus elements. The tests have to be able to see whether you are using it at a high level or a low level. He says that you start to resemble your activator as you get older, except he didn’t use the word ‘activator’ and called it ‘near opposite’ instead, since he isn’t officially in socionics.

One reason why I distrust him is because I don’t know what model he’s using. He seems to be using bits and pieces of several different models at different times. He is mostly talking about things the way the JCF/MBTI people talk about them, on his web pages. I want to know why it is that I agree so strongly with socionics Model B, having seen it in reality, but according to Dario Nardi, an ENFP and an ENTP are using a similar kind of Ne, although there was some other place where he said that an ENFP and an INTP have a very similar brain scan, which would fit more with Model B. He doesn’t say anything about there being any differences between an ENTP and an ENFP’s Ne.

The EEG doesn’t have a very high resolution and cannot see down deep into the brain, it can only detect whatever is happening at the surface. It can only detect the ‘lump sum’ in that particular area, and there is no way it could extract all the various signals adding up to that lump sum.

The SEI was a tobacco chewer and smoker. I know that tobacco causes sickness, which can cause you to say bitter things. The other guy, the LSI, was an alcoholic (who didn’t really refer to himself as an alcoholic, but he was). As I myself observed, you go into very bad moods and depression in between each drink.

Anyway, I would like to see more info from Dario Nardi. I’m hoping he would help develop the 100% accurate typing hat thingy. He doesn’t rant and rave about how inaccurate all the tests are and how everyone is mistyped, especially when they use the J/P switch. That’s one reason why I don’t really trust him – he doesn’t seem to care enough about the fact that everyone is mistyped and that it really *matters* a lot to be typed correctly. He just briefly mentions, on one of his web pages, about the J/P switch method of typing people and says that introverts in the MBTI will have a different type compared to their type in socionics, but he made no comment about just how horrendous this situation was and how it was everywhere and millions of people were getting the completely wrong type because of it and being disillusioned with both the MBTI and also socionics because socionics wouldn’t work either if you were typed that way. He didn’t seem to understand the magnitude of just how *bad* this is. Merely one quick mention of it on a web page doesn’t do it enough justice. He needs to rant and rave for pages and pages about how much damage is being done by the J/P switch method and how an informational campaign needs to be done, all over the entire planet, to correct this disinformation and prevent people from ever, ever, ever using that method again. Nope – to him, it’s just another method, equal to all the other methods, not a particularly bad method or anything, kind of like saying Adolf Hitler was just another politician like all the other politicians, or something.

So if he doesn’t rant and rave about the horrific inaccuracies and mistypings, then how do I know that his own typings are trustworthy? How do I know that he’s even making an effort to get them typed correctly? Why would he even care whether people were typed correctly or not, if it’s unimportant, if it’s not worth ranting and raving about? He could be just another person who types people however he feels like it and doesn’t care about the consequences or how much harm is being done when people are mistyped.

I won’t be here at work much longer. Maybe I will try to watch a video of his. He has a lot of youtube videos. I can’t turn the sound up loud enough though, and my headphones haven’t worked since the hackers destroyed them several years ago – the headphone jack itself won’t work, and it happened immediately after I wrote a blog about how much I enjoyed a particular song. Obviously, it was to take away my enjoyment of any music. It happened by itself for no reason when the laptop was never hit or broken or dropped or anything – just one day it worked, the next day it did not, the end, and it has never worked since, and I can’t use it for telephone calls now either.

I’ll just go ahead and post this. Basically I got the voices all upset by talking about some things that people said, but, like I said, I didn’t get the impression that they had ever done those things or were planning to do them in reality.

I’m terrible at my job because I hate the university system as a whole

June 29, 2015

8:44 AM 6/29/2015

What was I going to say besides the thing about Ayn Rand? I had something else but I forgot.

It seems that I will always be struggling, and failing, to understand who is good, and who is evil, who is friend or foe. +Fe/-Fi is my vulnerable function. If there is a full disclosure, then that function is the one that will be overwhelmed with too much
information, causing pain and breakdown. I’ll find out that this or that particular individual was consciously aware of electronic mind control all along, and was voluntarily participating in it because they wanted to, of their own free will, which is evil to me. People who aren’t puppets. When I find out all the people who aren’t puppets, all the people who want to control my mind and destroy all the decades of my life, on purpose, because they want to and because they think this is a desirable thing to do, then my vulnerable function will be overwhelmed with the knowledge of good and evil.

Every os (omg, I got interrupted, and didn’t finish the word, and could not figure out what on earth I was about to say that began with the letters ‘os’, because ‘os’ was a typo. ‘Os’ is actually a real word – it’s the opening of the cervix.)

Every socionic type has its weakness.

Oh, I know what I wanted to say on the bus ride here. Subconscious functions, and their powerful effects on you. Even though something is my ignore function, it still affects all of my life. The SEI in ‘Inside Out’ radiated joy. If I disvalue this function, it means that I do not consciously direct my attention to observing joy and pleasure, but it doesn’t mean I want my life to be lacking joy and pleasure. Similarly, even though -Se talks about murder and destruction, they don’t necessarily like those things. -Si talks about pain, but I do not like pain, I just can’t ignore it and can’t refrain from talking about it.

I was also going to talk about how bad at my job I am.

-Se also means ‘bad object,’ I think. I am still working on defining these information elements. Destroy the bad object. I don’t want this bad object here. This might be the ‘blow stuff up’ function.

‘Destroy the weak’ is how the one person described it in the article that I am always quoting from. -Se is *destroy* the weak. +Se is ‘temporarily suppress the weak without killing them.’ The reason why I refer to mind control as murder, rather than temporary suppression, is because all of the hours of my life are gone, permanently lost. It is a non-temporary, permanent destruction. If one of the cats gets in a fight with another cat when they’re outdoors, I will temporarily take Max and keep him in my bedroom, but I don’t keep him locked in the bedroom FOREVER. It is TEMPORARY. I temporarily take him out of a bad situation but I do not completely and totally destroy all of his freedom for eternity.

The struggle to figure out ‘who is evil?’ The endless struggle. There is no way to use socionics to profile just one particular type who is responsible for ALL of the evil. I myself am a SLI and I was responsible for a teeny, tiny percentage of the evil, because I was hired as a temp employee, then hired permanently (and then laid off!) at a corporation that makes mind control equipment, State of the Art, Inc., near the University Park Airport. I typed in all the requests for quotes – price requests. A lot of my mind control attacks, the worst of it, began during and after my job there. So the role I played as a SLI was ‘clueless temp who helps evil people get their job done, without knowing what they are doing.’

Yeah, I can just blatantly say, in broad daylight, that State of the Art, Inc., is a corporation that produces mind control equipment. They do.

I am having a ‘resting bitch voice’ day. No matter what I say, my voice comes out sounding like I’m irritated. I might have PMS. Also, I’m using a different brand of caffeine pills, and they have different effects. Believable? It’s true. Whoever manufactures caffeine will have a slightly different process at a slightly different factory, producing a slightly different batch of chemicals with slightly different percentages of chemical isomers (variations on the shape of the chemical). So, one caffeine pill affects me differently than another caffeine pill.

Every socionic quadra plays a role in the development of society as it goes through phases. Betas could be blamed for making mind control into a global, systematic process, after the Alphas invented it. Gammas could be blamed for making it profitable. Deltas could be blamed for…. ? I dunno, saving the world from its insanity so the whole process could start all over again. No, I’m sure we probably play some role in the evil. I just don’t want to blame ‘my people.’

Someone was complaining in a forum about people using socionics in a bad way, to condemn other quadras or something. There are grains of truth in this, and yet, I still like socionics much, much better than Myers-Briggs. There were some nice things about the Myers-Briggs forums. An ESTP would be the first one to come up and introduce himself to me, for instance. In socionics, we know that ESTPs and ISTPs don’t get along IN THE LONG RUN, but in the short run, they do. So it’s okay, at first, to have a bunch of friendly Betas introducing themselves to the Deltas and offering them help because it’s the right thing to do (-Fi) to all people in general. All people are just general people. But if you keep trying to make these relationships work, living together in the same house, there are conflicts, or conflicts in the workplace, and that’s what socionics is about. Maybe some other system would better express the nuances of this. I just remember that there are some nice things about going to a forum and knowing that nobody there knows about socionics, and so you can be any type and they’ll be friendly to you.

However, that does NOT enable you to talk freely or be yourself. You’ll quickly find, at almost any forum, that it’s overrun with particular types of people who are always writing particular types of posts. I am not 100% certain of which type is doing this, but it’s very annoying.

The ‘Sadness’ character, the little blue thing (I don’t know if it was a boy or girl, seemed girlish), on ‘Inside Out,’ had a voice that sounded *exactly* like one of my former coworkers who was an SEI. He talked in exactly that tone. I kept thinking of him every time Sadness was talking. He was also a shameless racist who talked about killing n-words (in a context where there was another coworker, LSI, who also talked openly and explicitly about hating n-words – he knew when and where he was able to get away with talking about this). -Se always goes along with +Si! And his demonstrative function would have been -Fi/+Fe, a disvalued function. So every time Sadness was talking, I thought of the shameless racist (who might have fit better with the red ‘Anger’ character), just because Sadness’s voice sounded exactly like him, so much that I could almost believe that person had actually done the voice for the cartoon.

-Se also might mean ‘all objects are the same.’ They lack detail. An object is an object. A dog is just a dog. Black people are all a group with all the same characteristics. I *think* this might be -Se, but I am still trying to define it. There is this uniformity everywhere, which I do not like. However, Alpha SFs always try to make themselves look unique and different, physically, doing things like dyeing their hair blue and pink. They’re not the only ones who do that. I am just trying to figure out who is responsible for this thing of ‘everybody must look the same,’ which is being hammered into our heads through the media, the magazines, the music, everything everywhere, and not only that, not only must they all look the same, but the particular look they have forced upon us is a bad one. If they were going to force us to all look the same, at least it should be a good look, as in, everybody everywhere is required to grow their hair and beards long. But no, the sameness is ALWAYS: women must cut their hair off at mid-back or higher, and men must shave their heads all the way down to the bare skin, the barer the better. This is a horrible look for both sexes, and if we are going to be forced to all look the same, it should at least be something which is inherently enjoyable to look at.

I don’t think I have enough energy to argue about hairstyles today. I can only quote Meryl Streep, who played an ‘evil’ character in ‘The Giver,’ who has been typed as an EIE. She said, ‘When you give people a choice, they always choose wrong, every time.’ I actually agree with that, with regard to particular things. If you give people a choice about their hairstyles, then they will always choose brainless conformity, ugliness, and boringness. I actually wouldn’t mind so much if everyone was choosing strange, bizarre, colorful hairstyles with pink and blue and purple in them. I like those better than the everything-shaved look and the
all-women-must-cut-their-hair-off-at-upper-mid-back look that every single female in the entire town of State College has.

This poor ESI woman that I work with, I am ‘benefactoring’ her, which is an asymmetrical relationship. I can sense this discomfort when she’s talking to me, but I can’t do anything to fix it. My ‘resting bitch voice’ affects her. She responds much, much, much better to me when I am using plenty of St. John’s Wort and I can be fake-cheerful constantly and fake-friendly constantly. I’m sorry to say that, but it’s the truth. She doesn’t like the Resting Bitch version of me, only the Drugged Happy version of me. It’s socionics.

I am terrible at my job. I might as well say this now. Let me explain all of the ways that I am terrible at this.

First, I have seen her do demonstrations of what I am supposed to do, and I cannot do those things. Her base function is -Fi/+Fe. She is able to talk to a group of people and treat them all the same, talking to each new person in a general way. All people are the same and all should be treated the same.

She is able to tell every person who comes in that they have to shut off their cell phones, don’t bring in any drinks but bottled water, put your stuff into one of our zippered bags if your bag doesn’t close all the way, etc. She is able to announce the rules and make sure people follow them. She is able to endure the discomfort of people’s expressions of negative emotions. When people get irritated, in the passing moment (+Fe), short-term temporary emotions, as a result of something you just said to them, it causes me a great deal of pain. I cannot bear to annoy someone for even a second, and so I cannot enforce the rules. I just want to cave in and say, ‘Okay! Okay! Do whatever you want!’ if somebody starts to express any negative emotions. (I’m talking about the +Fe type of negative emotions, not the -Fe type of negative emotions. +Fe is the detailed, short-term, passing emotions which evolve from moment to moment all day long, every second.) She is able to transform all of it into cheerfulness. Maybe she does respond to -Fe, I can’t distinguish this well enough to explain exactly what is happening, and I keep thinking of ‘Inside Out.’ What they are calling ‘joy’ in that movie is sensual pleasure. What they call ‘joy’ in religion is an expression of emotion of how much you love God. Radiating joy, to one person, is a different thing to another person, depending on socionics. If I radiate joy, it is probably going to be +Se, and in fact, – well, I don’t know. I will have to think about this.

Anyway, so she can handle the expressions of irritation when people don’t want to do what they’re told. I can’t. I just let everybody in even if they are breaking the rules. I can only command some particular individuals to put away a cell phone or drink, and only intermittently and occasionally.

I also cannot make myself care about the prevention of cheating. I do not believe in the university system at all. I believe the entire university school system is one big giant load of horse shit. Therefore, I cannot make myself believe that any of this testing actually matters or actually means anything. If you want to cheat, go for it! It’s your job later down the road! In fact, the ability to lie, cheat, and steal, and fake your way to the top, is actually *VALUED* in the business world! They’ll love you for that! I cannot make myself believe that these classes are actually ‘teaching’ anything, quote unquote, and that the testing is actually ‘testing’ anything, when none of it is practical knowledge.

You cannot fake a well designed test. If you have to USE your knowledge in a situation that nobody could have planned for, then it is not possible to lie or cheat your way through it! This has to do with the dimensions of the socionics functions. A four-dimensional function is the strongest. It is constantly aware of the
ever-changing nuances of information. It can even look into the future and anticipate what will happen with these things in future situations. You cannot train somebody to be able to do that – they have to be born with that socionic function.

However, it *is* possible to teach people to learn the *norms* of some system, in their weak role function. I think that a lot of
mathematics is actually in my role function, -Ni/+Ne, an understanding of something. I am able to learn these norms, but I cannot invent new ones myself. I can learn ‘the way of doing things,’ but I can’t create something new with that function. I can be tested on using these norms, but you could throw me into a situation (‘situation’ is the name of the 2nd function’s dimension, a strong function) with something new or strange or different, and I would not be able to figure out what to do. You can only train someone at the norms level, but if they don’t have that as one of their strong ego functions, they won’t be able to figure out what to do in an unfamiliar new situation.

The fact that universities don’t give a fuck about socionics (much less Model B socionics) and aren’t bothering to apply any of it to their teaching methods – oh well. And they don’t even acknowledge that it exists. They barely even acknowledge that the Myers-Briggs types exist, and haven’t applied THEM to their teaching (although, with the utter mess that that system is, it would not be a good idea to try!). The general consensus in the world of Myers-Briggs is: Intuitives are good and sensors are bad, and don’t bother teaching anything to the sensors because they’re too stupid to understand any of it. Universities are for the intuitives. If any sensors are lucky enough to make it through, that’s fine, but we don’t really care one way or the other.

Oh – I wrote the title of this notepad file as ‘Ayn Rand Uses -Te.’ Someone typed Rand as LSI, and I think I agree with it. She uses -Se and -Te, *I think*. I am not 100% certain and have wondered if she was an LIE, not an LSI. She talked about something which is like subsuming the competition, not destroying them. If you are the person being subsumed by a larger entity, then you are using -Se when you submit to a superior force. -Se will destroy (kill) the weak, but they are also about making a larger and larger group, which means they want to take over a group and assimilate it. Libertarians who are Beta STs (LSI and SLE) are actually opposed to killing people and do not want to initiate aggression, so the nuances of this information element need to be more clearly defined. The LSIs I know in real life talk casually to their friends about killing people, and use it as a joke or exaggeration, and they know when and where they can get away with talking about these things. Once again, I will reiterate, this does not mean that all of them really are killing people. It means a tendency to speak of such things and exaggerate them. I myself had an incident where I left a comment on a popular blog, and another commenter was offended because I said I was ‘starving,’ quote unquote, which was an exaggeration. (They might have been a troll, though, and I immediately accused them of being one.) I was exaggerating -Si, painful sensations and discomfort. It was a natural and automatic exaggeration.

Ayn Rand talked about ‘destroying the competition,’ without really destroying them. The people who were destroyed were happy to be working for the new company. That was competition, in Atlas Shrugged. You take over a small company, and they are grateful and happy to now be working for a larger company. This kind of sounds like -Se as it was described in one article. +Ti is ‘telling people their place in the local environment’ – that is one aspect of +Ti. +Ti is also number-counting. You have exact, specific numbers of things. I myself ignore specific numbers, valuing -Ti instead, abstractions of numbers.

OMG! This resting bitch voice has got to go! I keep doing it! Everything I say sounds like something is wrong! PMS/caffeine pills!

Anyway, -Te might also be part of this. -Te is ‘for the benefit of the global system.’ Both LIEs and LSIs use this as their base function. If someone is happy to be part of a larger, stronger corporation, it could possibly be -Te, for the benefit of the larger system. This is also ‘global economy.’ I am able to read websites about the global economy if I am on drugs, but otherwise I can’t. I have to be drugged enough that I can tolerate using my demonstrative function as a contact function taking in new information.

I don’t know a whole lot of SLEs in real life. I just remember an IEI who reiterated, ‘Te, not Se! Te, not Se!’ over and over, every time I blamed Se for anything. But -Se is partly defined as ‘group will’ or ‘majority will,’ the will of the group, what a large group of people wants. ‘The Collective.’ It does not necessarily always mean that you like and value collectives, but rather than you tend to notice them and talk about them. I myself ignore collectives and cannot talk about them.

Oh – I was going to mention about the zombie apocalpyse thing from the ‘Tomorrowland’ movie, what exactly he said – the voices were asking about that after I posted the blog. There was a ‘bad guy’ character at the end, spoiler, if anyone is going to see that movie… anyway, he was deliberately putting messages in people’s heads saying that the world is going to hell, basically, thereby causing it to really happen. He said people just gobbled up the zombie apocalypse scenarios and loved them. They wanted to make video games out of them and stuff, instead of taking them seriously and preparing for them. The character was a ‘bad guy’ because he focused too much on the negative possibilities instead of the positive possibilities. And I’m having trouble defining these information elements because 1. my brain isn’t working, and 2. I’m not an intuitive. I have a better chance of describing and defining and clarifying the sensing elements than anything else. I thought for a minute that he was evil because he was using -Ne instead of +Ne, but now I’m not sure if that’s what was going on.

About people cheating on the tests: I’m supposed to walk around and look and see if people are cheating. There have been people who really cheated, and we kept their cheating tools as reminders – someone who had a little rectangular eraser with extremely small handwriting all over it. That kind of thing happens occasionally. You know what, if someone cheats like that, my attitude is, let them! They cannot fake it, and if they are able to fake it, then they must know it well enough that they are able to fake it! If you can go to work every day, without any anxiety or fear, and perform a job even though you faked your way through college, then you must know what you are doing well enough! You can’t do this with practical skills. You can pretend to be a fake surgeon for about three seconds. You *HAVE TO* actually know something about the body and the internal organs, for real, if you are becoming a surgeon and performing surgeries on people, otherwise you will start killing people right away. If you’re competent enough to become a fake surgeon without ever being trained and without ever studying in college or passing any tests without cheating, then you must be really talented as a fake surgeon, and so you deserve to be a fake surgeon!!! That’s how I view cheating. If you’re capable of faking it without constantly feeling unbearable fear and anxiety all day long, then you are already good enough at doing that thing that you don’t need to be trained, educated, or tested in a school.

There’s more to it than this. I’d have to actually get in an argument with somebody in order for me to clarify my argument, but since I’m only writing a blog, I have no argument to react against, so I don’t know what the other side of the debate would say.

The point is, I can’t make myself care whether people are cheating on the tests or not. If I go through there and see that somebody has a bag open and it isn’t zipped up inside one of our green bags, I’ll just ignore it. Sometimes I accidentally let people through with bags that don’t zip shut. One day, I let one girl through, then caught another girl a minute later, and the second girl sat right next to the first girl and would have seen that the first girl had her
non-zippable bag sitting open right there on the floor beside her. I was very embarrassed about that, and I felt that she must be angry about this inequality and unfairness (my failure to use the desired function, which was either -Fi – treat all people the same, with respect, and whatever the social rules are, or maybe some kind of logic – we all follow the same rule, maybe -Te or something?). I really wanted to apologize to the second girl for making her put her bag into the zippable one when the first girl had not. I felt that she must be quietly angry at me. But nothing could be said.

I truly, truly cannot care about the cheating. If you are such a stupid employer that you hire somebody and you notice that they are incapable of doing their job, then you have to fire them, regardless of whether they have a college degree or not, regardless of whether they faked their way through college by cheating or whether they really memorized all the useless rote memorization that they were supposed to memorize and all the pointless ideas that have no connection to anything they will do in reality and a total absence of practical knowledge. It truly does not matter if their college degree was legitimate or faked – they still don’t have any practical skills one way or the other. A person with a fake degree will probably do just as well as someone with a real degree, because neither of them are really expected to be able to do anything useful or specific. You are supposed to memorize all these vague, useless ideas, and spit them back out word-for-word.

And the other thing. There’s a lot of data that you don’t need to memorize because you can look it up, but a test might expect you to memorize it and spit it back out. The test could ask a question like ‘What are all the names and addresses on page 341 of the phone book?’ That’s the type of question they ask, lol. You don’t need to remember that. You just open the phone book and look it up. To this day, I never memorized all the stuff I was supposed to learn in my plant biology class in college during the time when I was failing, quitting, and dropping out of everything. But I know about the existence of places where I can look up that information if I need it. For instance, I know about something called a ‘dichotomous key,’ where you figure out what kind of a plant it is by choosing the answer to a bunch of questions. Does it have three leaves? Choose A. Does it have five leaves? Choose B. I know this is a place where I can look stuff up, and I might not remember for the rest of my life that the Ziggledy Moogledy plant family has those characteristics, but I know where to find it in a book when I need it.

The classes that were actually really, really hard were the classes with labs where you had to actually do something. I had a chemistry lab and a plant biology lab. When I was failing in my classes, when I was avoiding the homework and avoiding everything and falling apart, I was unable to perform in the lab. There was just no way that I could fake my way through a bunch of chemical reactions without knowing what to do. It was impossible. If I were capable of just winging it and faking my way through, that would imply that actually, I *did* know the information subconsciously well enough to use it. The results of not knowing the information were visible and obvious. If you didn’t know it, then you were simply unable to get the result.

And again, someone could have given me word-for-word instructions in advance, knowing exactly, specifically what we would be told to do in the lab, without me having to think it through myself. But you *still* have to be able to understand something well enough to be able to merely follow word-for-word instructions! And in your job, years later, you are going to have to follow a lot of instructions. They’re not gonna just throw you in the lab and say, ‘Okay, well, do some stuff then.’

I have to find another apartment, or prepare to go camping with my cats. I’m going to post this and then, I dunno, do some stuff or something.

Stealing

June 29, 2015

For instance, when I worked at the Bryce Jordan Center, there was a theft incident from one of the lockers in the locker room. I typed one girl as an Alpha SF or possibly a SLE. I wasn’t quite sure. But I figured she was the thief after I heard about the incident. I wasn’t around her long enough to decide exactly which type she was, but she was a user of +Si/-Se. The other thing going on with Alpha SFs is that they disvalue -Fi, which is the general ethics of how you should treat people in society. Incidentally, Deltas disvalue that element too, so you can use the same argument to blame Deltas for all the evil in the world.

‘Inside Out’ and ‘Tomorrowland’ – Alpha SF movies with a few trigger warnings and/or mini-disclosure events

June 29, 2015

I was thinking of ‘disclosure’ because I was reading about aliens the other day. I’m having things happen every time I take the slightest bit of St. John’s Wort. I tend to read more about those types of things when I am in that frame of mind.

I am still trying to understand socionics Model B. My reaction to Alpha +Si and Alpha -Se: The +Si level 4 (SEI, ‘Inside Out’) is cute and makes me laugh, and I feel like it’s something that I *can’t* do. Maybe the reason why I feel like I can’t do it is because it’s level 4, their base function, and for me, it’s only my ignore function, level 3.

I also confirmed the type of one of my former coworkers who I typed as SEI, who was also someone who openly and shamelessly talked about killing people when he was angry – once again, this proves Model B is right – both Alpha SFs and Beta STs openly talk about killing people. That’s -Se. It doesn’t mean that they are actually doing it. It means a willingness to talk about it.

I am in the process of defining -Se. I think it means several things:

don’t see the object, nobody sees the object, minus/negative material object, not seen by the group or by the individual. This means you are sneaking into someplace where you don’t belong and aren’t allowed, to steal something or destroy something. Both of those movies involved people sneaking, hiding, stealing from purses, doing things that were sneaky without being seen. This is a disvalued function for me.

However, I’m less aware of disvaluing their +Si. It’s still viewed as positive, cute, funny, and admirable. I’m still trying to understand Model B. They don’t freely and openly express their +Si in all its nuances in the movies because of censorship, but their +Si is about sensual pleasures and their open expression of them, including sex. But it includes every little detail of sensual pleasures, including things that are taboo. I had a friend when I was a kid, and some of the things she used to say and do were disgusting. She would say things like, she farted and it felt good, and she would openly and deliberately fart on purpose. Guess which kind of Si that is? Not mine! That’s +Si, *NOT* -Si, and I want nothing to do with that. So, they’re restraining themselves when they make these movies for the general public. Although, there are still a lot of kids’ movies that have fart jokes, and if they have scenes with fart jokes, I know I am going to find them annoying.

I wouldn’t be saying these things if I weren’t angry. I had a ‘disclosure’ event in ‘Inside Out.’ I’m angry at the Alpha SFs right now because I recognized my own mind control phenomena. They had a dream in the movie where a dog was chopped in half and it was running around and you could see the inside of its body. That’s exactly like the horrible nightmares that I have been forced to have. (Note: a dog is always a penis. Edit – I also just realized that the glans of the penis is ‘the inside of the body,’ because the glans of the penis is supposed to be an ‘internal’ organ, completely covered by the foreskin, which is removed with circumcision, so technically, the ‘inside of the dog’s body’ refers to the exposed glans of the penis being visible after circumcision.) The detective in me, which was awakened whenever I was forced to read all those books about serial killers in the early 2000s, wanted to ‘profile’ these soul murderers, and Alpha SFs fit the profile of the people who have given me these horrible dreams.

I could go on profiling, but basically, the combination of those two movies together, ‘Inside Out’ (SEI) and ‘Tomorrowland’ (ESE) made me angry. Oh, I had another incident. There was a woman in
‘Tomorrowland,’ the main character girl, who suddenly reminded me of Ariadne from ‘Inception,’ another movie about invading dreams to control people’s minds. Ariadne was the architect of the dreams, the one who made the entire city wrap around itself so you could see the other half of the city above you in the sky. That is -Se, the manipulation of large global areas and large objects. Ariadne was an ESE. -Se is also about invading without permission, as I said above: ‘don’t be seen,’ minus Se, invisible object that invades.

The characters in ‘Tomorrowland’ disvalued the ‘zombie apocalypse’ people. I think they were making fun of their demonstrative function, which is my base function, -Si/+Se. This is self-defense. They were valuing +Ne/-Ni, good possibilities. -Ni is ‘all the scenarios in which things go wrong,’ except it matches up with their -Se, so that it’s like, ‘If something goes wrong, kill it.’ Try all kinds of new stuff (+Ne), and in the scenario where something goes horribly wrong (-Ni), your job is to kill it (-Se). I’ve heard people make pacts, like, ‘If such-and-such ever happens, just kill me.’

I just happened to watch those two movies right after reading about alien disclosure. I was thinking about the disclosure of electronic mind control, which might possibly have been going on for tens of thousands of years, with a signal sent from a faraway planet or station. I was thinking of my nightmares. I was thinking of the fact that constant electromagnetic interference and nonstop unavoidable attacks and zaps prevent me from using my brain for more than a couple seconds without a zap. I was thinking of the total genocide of every living soul, which is zapped and prevented from existing, for all the years of its life, although its physical body isn’t killed outright. When a soul is constantly zapped so that it cannot exist for more than a fraction of a second, for decades at a time, that is the total destruction of the irreplaceable years of its life.

I actually really enjoyed the first movie, ‘Inside Out,’ more than I enjoyed ‘Tomorrowland.’ It emphasized sadness. The character was reluctant to let sadness express itself because it thought that would ruin everything. Sadness is the SEI’s creative function, -Fe/+Fi. A Delta ST is sadness-valuing – we are seeking +Fi/-Fe, and I was always aware of this since I was a child. ‘Inside Out’ made me cry, a lot.

I wish more people knew about Model B, because I can’t talk about it with anyone on the socionics forums! I can talk all by myself, but nobody cares about Model B, whereas I think Model B is the most exciting, most beautiful, and most accurate model I have ever seen. I knew it instantly when I saw it that it was right and it fixed everything wrong with the other model. How come nobody else knows this? How come they don’t instantly see that this is true?

I need to finish my breakfast and get ready for work.

They had unwanted musical jingles coming up in the character’s head in ‘Inside Out.’ I think there is significance to the moments when that happened. That is exactly like what happens to me. I try to think of one thing, but another fake thought is inserted in there, and it’s garbage, or horrible music that I don’t want to hear. I think in the movie it happened in moments of dissociation. It happened when the girl was ‘being controlled’ by something other than herself. She was fragmenting, her self was being destroyed, and she was being forced to run away from home. I’m guessing, in the real world, this little girl, an Alpha SEI, would have run away from home and been kidnapped and forced to become a child prostitute and child sex slave. In the movie, she was saved by sadness before that happened. I know a lot of SEIs are being attacked – I typed some of the people in the electronic harassment forums. SEIs have ‘sensual pleasure’ as their strongest function, so they are used as prostitutes and sex slaves. They all experience this in their mind control phenomena and life manipulation.

I said it happens at ‘moments of dissociation,’ however, I do not mean to imply that it is a real and legitimate mental phenomenon. It is not. It is an electronic attack. Most of the movie viewers will be like, ‘Hey, that’s funny, that happens to me.’ A lot of people laughed at those scenes, meaning they could relate to it. Gee, *EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT THIS PHENOMENON!* What exactly is the full scope of electronic mind control, anyway? All these people who don’t know they’re being controlled, but they recognize, and laugh at, mind control events portrayed in a cartoon, because they all have experienced them, thousands and thousands of people laughing at the ‘gum commercial’ song popping up in the girl’s head in the movie. Yeah, I chuckled too, however I also recognize it for exactly what it is.

I need to start getting ready for work.

Only stupid, evil people hate HTML frames. Smart, good people love frames.

June 24, 2015

4:35 PM 6/24/2015

I was having a Weird Brain Day. I’m not quite sure of the reason. I have some symptoms of drug residues, possibly from the laundry I just washed. I’ve also been eating a bunch of canned vegetables. The canned vegetables were a compromise food, not something ideal that I would want to eat in the long run. But they are easy to prepare – open the can, dump it out into another container, and put the container in the fridge, and heat up a little when I want it.

Well, whatever it is, whether it’s leftover St. John’s Wort residues, or metal poisoning from the cans (some types of metal poisoning make you smarter, which is not a good thing, but it is the truth), for whatever reason, I was trying to learn how to program and write web pages and weird stuff all day long at work.

I’ve been learning to program GameMaker Studio. But I got to this thing about arrays. And there was a thing about a copy of an array being passed as an argument into a function or script. And you have to return something from the script, and set a variable equal to that instead of merely executing the script, and you have to do all this to make sure you get the altered array back out.

And I recognized all of this because I had seen it before and done it before, decades ago, when I learned to program, and maybe more recently when I studied C++ a few years ago.

Then suddenly I was looking back at assembly language again, which I have not worked on for several weeks.

And while I was looking at a web page about assembly language, I saw a page that used HTML frames because it was so old.

So I started switching to learning how to make HTML frame web pages again. And I devised a way that using a web page is just as good as using a book. It is all spatially arranged information just like in a book. You turn the pages exactly like you do a book. And this uses frames and plain HTML, nothing complicated, and it loads instantly. I am not done with it yet, but I have the concept. The concept is that it will behave exactly like you are using a book and looking in the Yellow Pages or something.

I recently tried to use the ‘yellow pages’ on the internet. There are simply no words to describe how stupid and evil all of the ‘yellow page’ websites are. They are the most stupid, the most evil web pages in existence. Go ahead, try to use them! Have fun! I haven’t fixed my gallbladder yet, and so I can feel the clenching nonstop as I am struggling and straining to extract useful information from those web pages, when I could have done it in five seconds using a real book. Only a moron would design a web page this way.

I don’t have time to explain because I’m about to go weed the garden at the guy’s house down the street.

If you hate frames, that is a statement about your IQ. Only stupid people hate frames. Smart people love them. I do not want stupid people using my web pages, and so if I use frames, that is a guaranteed, sure-fire way to chase away all of the stupid people, purifying and cleansing all of my website users to be the absolute smartest people in all of society. I should design a discussion forum that uses frames, to guarantee that only the smartest people will have discussions there. That way there will be no stupid trolls, because stupid trolls hate frames and refuse to use them and complain about them.

I’m about to leave. I’ll be back to complain later. Basically, whether you love or hate HTML frames is a litmus test of how smart and good you are. Stupid evil people hate frames, and smart good people love them. If you want to be smart and good, then start loving frames and use them as often as possible.

My dumpster chair

June 22, 2015

I got stuff out of the dumpster behind Goodwill. I have wanted to do that for a very long time, but all of a sudden in the last couple days I was able to, maybe because I was using St. John’s Wort.

I really like this rocking chair. (Picture is attached at the end of the post – I’m writing this post in email and that’s how it puts it by default.) Some of the wooden beams/pegs/whatever they are called, the braces going across, are coming out of the holes, so that if you would hit it sideways then the chair would collapse or something, but I will just be careful not to do that. I just won’t make a flying leap into the chair at high speed, and everything should be okay.

It’s a rocking chair. I actually *love* this chair.

The last time I owned any chairs, they were these folding card table type chairs from Wal-Mart. I also owned a blue recliner that I got rid of, along with the other chairs, during my decontamination, and I have not purchased any furniture at all, due to the fact that there is still ephedra on the floor in very tiny quantities. I still can never go barefoot on this floor. My decon is not done. ‘The circumstances’ forced me to be unable to ever complete my decon fully at all the apartments that I have lived in.

So I could not buy furniture only to have to throw it away again. But diving in a dumpster behind Goodwill? Perfect! It was already trash, it had already gotten rained on yesterday, and even when it was for sale it was only like $5.

The sad part is, there are infinity more chairs like this, perfectly good but just not sellable fast enough at a place like Goodwill. And people are too stupid to – no, don’t get me started. People’s values. The chairs must ‘look nice,’ they must look wealthy, they must have the most expensive and most fancy furniture from a brand name store, not some cheap wooden rocking chair from Goodwill. But yes, there are infinity more chairs and other pieces of furniture, in the dumpsters or on the curbs, every time the college students move out especially, and there is nothing wrong with these items except maybe one small thing is slightly broken or one thing has a tiny hole or a stain. People would rather go $100,000 in debt to buy fancy furniture and fancy houses than just fill their home with free chairs from Goodwill’s dumpster.

I want my own house, but I want a tiny house, and they don’t make tiny houses, which is why ‘Tiny Houses’ is now a THING. Smart people have realized that not everyone on earth *wants* to be a million dollars in debt for the purpose of owning a large mansion that will impress all their friends when they throw parties there. Smart people have realized that it’s insane for these fire codes to require you to have X square feet per person when somebody doesn’t even own any furniture and will just have all that space unused and empty. Smart people have realized that all you need in your house is a place to sleep, a kitchen to prepare food in, a place to take a bath, or perhaps you could have some of those things in a separate small building outside the house. You don’t need a dozen ‘living rooms’ when you don’t even have any children filling the house. And so, ‘Tiny Houses’ are now a THING, and you can google them.

I cleaned the bathroom last night, partly. I had stuff that had been there at least since January, if not longer. There was a cardboard box that I was letting the cats pee in, because in the middle of winter, I ran out of the dirt that I was putting in the cat litter box, and so I was letting them pee in something else, because that started happening by accident – they decided on their own to start peeing in boxes, and I realized it was a good idea. So that same box had been there all these months.

That was one of the things Mary Jo complained about – she’s like, ‘There’s a cardboard box, and it looks like it has cat pee in it.’ Well, screw you! You have no idea how hard my life has been. I can barely even move and can barely even drag myself to work every day without taking ibuprofens and vivarins and St. John’s Wort and drinking Coke and coffee and ginseng and every other random herb and drug that I have tried using for my chronic fatigue.

I had rabies, and nobody believed me, and I thought I was going to die. I’m being attacked with electronic weapons, so I can’t really use my brain, and everything I do has to be done with ‘permission.’ I had ‘permission’ to nibble the flower of St. John’s Wort yesterday, because it blooms at this particular time in the summer, and the flower has the highest concentration of the desired antidepressants, so it seems to be the most effective, and that may be one reason why I was able to do a little bit of work recently. I would have to gather hundreds of those flowers and then dry them and save them for all year long, if I intended to always use SJW. But I don’t.

Now I have to get up and go to work, but my body hurts, and my hands hurt, because I scrubbed some parts of the floors and walls with bleach spray. I accidentally used too much bleach spray, and had to run the vent fan all night. Normally bleach spray doesn’t bother me, but this one seems to have been either a highly concentrated spray, or else a particular form of the bleach chemical, or something, and it was particularly irritating. Normally I don’t mind bleach at all – I used to spray tons and tons of the bathroom cleaner on the dishes when I worked at McDonald’s. Most of the smell is gone this morning, but there might be a tiny bit remaining. I would like to rinse it again.

I’m not ready for work and don’t want to go. I need to make progress. I need to make a higher hourly wage.

Oh yeah, that was my original thought before I wrote this blog. I was thinking, I wish there was a college where, in order to graduate, *every single person* had to start their own business. It wouldn’t matter what the business was, anything at all. You had to have a functioning business of your own in order to get a diploma. They would guide you through it step by step. You wouldn’t necessarily love your business or want to do this exact particular thing for the rest of your life, but it would be a source of steady income, and that would be the criteria for you to graduate, a source of steady, reliable income that had been tested over a period of time. Having a source of steady income should be the criteria for ‘graduation,’ and if you fail at that, then the college’s purpose is to keep on guiding you and making sure that you get it working.

London gold fix is, perhaps, shutting down, or defaulting, or changing, or something, but I don’t understand it yet

June 20, 2015

12:22 AM 6/21/2015

I can’t finish reading/listening about this because I’ve suddenly lost my internet connection. Basically, in March, at least some or part of the London Gold Fix was shut down or changed. This is a huge thing and I had no idea it happened because I am no longer following the readings on economics. The article that I was trying to listen to said that China is advertising its renminbi as the new global currency, and is hinting it might be backed with gold.

I think I can’t read about the economy anymore because I haven’t been on drugs as much. It worked best when I was much more heavily drugged in the past. It requires a particular type of mental focus.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2v3RNkTjZk&feature=youtu.be

I missed everything in March because that’s when I was too busy trying not to die of rabies. Now, I am able to read about such things again.

Maybe she didn’t refill her meds

June 20, 2015

She told me she has been having money problems recently. Maybe she didn’t refill her prescription for antidepressants – YET ANOTHER REASON WHY WE DON’T USE PRESCRIPTION DRUGS! Use over-the-counter herbals that are cheap! Maybe withdrawal from her antidepressant is causing her to have these crazy attacks and get these stupid delusional ideas in her head. I don’t know if she is still on her drugs or not.

I am housecleaning; and, I must get out of here and get my own single apartment soon

June 20, 2015

12:32 PM 6/20/2015

Something is happening which is noteworthy. Today, I am cleaning my room. I have wanted to do this for a long time. I am drinking decaf coffee this morning. I had a small amount of dried St. John’s Wort yesterday afternoon. I am slowly trundling around from task to task without much hesitation and without having to ‘muster up the will’ to do every little thing.

Antidepressants can do that to me, and quitting caffeine can also do that to me. However, it just seems to be a teensy bit better than usual, just a little bit more than what usually results from those two things, antidepressants and quitting caffeine.

Note: I don’t want to use St. John’s Wort. I am using it temporarily as a crutch. It is not intended as a long term solution for me.

Slow movement is important. When I am full of coffee and vivarin pills, I feel no pain and I move quickly. Fast movements put more strain on the joints and bones, because of the physical forces of moving an object very fast one direction, then suddenly jerking it as hard as you can in the opposite direction, which is what elbows, knees, and all the other joints are doing when you are moving around at high speed. I tend to hurt a lot when I withdraw from coffee, and it’s partly because I’ve been moving fast and ignoring the pain, which I do not feel while caffeinated. In withdrawal, I can feel it again, and I know to move slowly and don’t strain the joints.

So that’s why I say I am ‘trundling.’ I am walking around slowly and dumbly, like a zombie, but yet, the fact that I am moving at all, and the fact that I am cleaning my room, albeit in a zombielike trundling way, is extremely good.

I have a feeling that liver cleansing is the way to go. It is not something that you just do once and you’re done. It is a process that can go on for an entire year or so. I am gradually working my way up to it, testing my reactions to the herbs and substances that people usually use for it, and I will gradually change my diet to something which is intended for part of the gallbladder cleanse.

I noticed something today. I had a tonsil stone, a tonsillolith. Tonsil stones, for me, are triggered by particular herbs and substances. I used to notice that I got them if I drank tea. I got one today, after having used some liver cleansing herbs on Thursday. That makes it seem as though the herbs *cause* you to develop a stone, and then, they flush it out, and pat themselves on the back for having gotten rid of your stones for you. There are grains of truth in the arguments of trolls and skeptics who say that those stones you’re removing were newly created by the substances you ingested. I actually suspected that myself, even though I am not a
pro-drug-company disinformation agent or paid internet troll. I wondered if the stones were new and if they were somehow the result of something you did just then. Tonsil stones develop quickly after a short exposure to particular substances, so gallstones could too, especially the soft stones instead of the calcified ones.

What herbs did I use, exactly? Here is the complete list. I did not merely use a few drops of gold coin grass tincture, followed by a few grains from an opened-up capsule of milk thistle. It was more complicated than that. Each bottle has multiple ingredients, which is another reason why I like to grow my own herbs and test them individually. I want to know *exactly* what each one is doing to me, and I want to have control over the amounts that are in there. I am aware that they are intended to work together synergistically, with one of them performing one function, while another performs another function, but still, I prefer them to be separate.

*******************

The tincture:

Lysimachia (gold coin grass)
Bupleurum
Rhubarb
Qing Pi
Zhi-Shi
distilled water
ethyl alcohol
(I do not know what any of that stuff is. For all I know it could be the fecal material of a baboon. I have not the foggiest clue what it is, except rhubarb.)

The capsule:

milk thistle (seed)
fennel
dandelion
licorice
(and also gelatin and silica)

Magnesium supplement:

magnesium oxide (not a good form, but it was cheap – it wouldn’t even dissolve when I left it in a cup of water for a long time – not a natural way to ingest magnesium at all)

cellulose gel
croscarmellose sodium
magnesium stearate
silicon dioxide
stearic acid

****************

My liver still has the faintest sensation of burning a tiny bit, but not enough to distract me or make me notice it. It is only if I think about it. On the day when I took these things, in those minuscule doses, I actually felt like my internal organs were *falling out* of my body. It was a weird, unpleasant sensation. Perhaps they did something to the ligaments that hold the organs in place or something. I hope not. Maybe all the ligaments became stretchy. I’m sort of joking, but seriously, it was a very weird and unpleasant feeling, the feeling that my liver was vulnerable, fragile, and unstable, and that I didn’t really want to jerk it around or shake it out of place, perhaps because if it bumped against anything it might hurt.

I want to use these things one at a time so that I know exactly which herb causes which symptom and I have control over it. I am going to obtain isolated gold coin grass all by itself, and will use microdoses of it in a non-tincture form.

Olive oil is always used for the gallstone cleanse, but I want to avoid olive oil because it has two effects which are uncomfortable and inconvenient – it is an extremely strong aphrodisiac and it causes masturbation, even multiple orgasms – and it also causes my head to have this sensation of pressure, like I’m going to have a stroke. I read somewhere that it dilates blood vessels and causes them to remain rigid and dilated. I don’t know if I’m describing that correctly and I might be making a mistake, but I think that’s what I read. If it dilates blood vessels, then it might dilate the bile duct too. Dilating the bile duct is one of the goals of a gallstone cleanse, so that larger stones can move out. Seriously, all these people on the internet who are drinking half a cup of olive oil and then lying down in bed must be spending the entire night masturbating. I’m not even joking. I guess they just don’t talk about that aspect of the gallstone cleanse.

On a different topic. Lately I’ve been hating Mary Jo, ever since the day when she argued with me about Max not being neutered, and then, not long after, came up to my room and looked in here when I wasn’t home, then told me I needed to clean it up. I could tell her a thing or two – why don’t you dump every piece of shit you have stuffed in the freezer so that there’s not a single cubic inch remaining for anybody else to put their stuff in the freezer, all that shit you’re not even using?

Now, I am avoiding her and have been avoiding her all this time, since that day. I force myself to say hi to her or good morning when I see her. I don’t want to do anything at all if she is home, if I have to walk through the shared areas like the living room. I’m doing laundry in the basement right now, but she’s not home, so I don’t have to walk past her. She always sits on this chair in the living room, using the computer. I don’t want her to mention any conversation topics that I want to avoid.

And, unfortunately, I need her to SIGN SOMETHING SO I CAN GET MY FOOD STAMPS. That’s right, I’m gonna have to ask her for a favor, or just not get my food stamps. She has to sign the paper stating that she charges me $400 for the rent. I got her to sign it before, but she probably didn’t realize she’d have to sign it again and again every few months every time I had to renew my application for food stamps. I didn’t know either. And now, I have to get her to sign it shortly after she’s started expressing anger at me. I’ve been feeling like I’m going to be thrown out, although she hasn’t said so. And I have no place to go and no money and can’t even afford to buy myself some more camping equipment at this time.

Meanwhile, my bike is being fixed today, and that’s gonna cost a lot, so I STILL won’t have any money.

And, let me explain. For a long time, I was picking up Max and carrying him down the stairs to the front door, because he will sometimes run into the living room and spray on something. For a while I didn’t know he was spraying, but then I actually saw him do it. He sprays just a couple drops of a strong smelling fluid. I myself don’t mind and I don’t even notice the smell, but I think Mary Jo would *HAVE A STROKE* if he sprayed on anything. I seriously can’t even smell it unless I get right up close to it and practically stick my nose in it. Otherwise, it’s nothing, and the whole spraying phenomenon is no big deal. And he doesn’t do it in my bedroom, or only rarely. You really, seriously don’t even notice it. The phenomenon of spraying has been greatly exaggerated by the people who tell how horrible it is.

So I did that, I carried him to the door, but then, more recently, I started just letting him run down the steps, and I followed him closely and let him out as quickly as possible. Every once in a while, though, he will quickly spray something before going out the front door. He did that today. He sprayed on a stack of magazines right near the door, and I saw him do it. I quickly wiped away most of it, and then, washed my hands (after letting him out), and sprayed a deodorizer spray stuff that Mary Jo has downstairs onto the edge of the magazine.

The magazine was in kind of an inconspicuous place amongst other magazines. I debated. I thought she might smell it if she walked in the front door. And so, I did something I never want to do – I stole the magazine, and I hid it in my room. I could put it back later, maybe after it airs out. It’s just a catalog of seeds and flowers, and she gets those catalogs in the mail all the time, so it’s not like it’s unique and irreplaceable and she’s going to go looking for that specific one.

I had a choice – risk her smelling it and arguing with me about Max again and possibly throwing me out of the house, or making an ultimatum of some sort – or, stealing and hiding the magazine to temporarily postpone this one particular conflict, while the overall conflict and the overall danger remains unsolved. I am in constant danger while I am here, and so is Max. I need to leave.

I need a SINGLE APARTMENT, but the only time I ever got single apartments was when I had a car and was able to drive far out of town, because single apartments are so rare and hard to find that they practically do not exist, and they are never in convenient locations within the town. I need a single apartment that I can reach easily by bike and by bus, which is also close enough to a grocery store. I really like living next to Goodwill and this little plaza.

But Mary Jo is gradually getting angrier and angrier at me, and it’s underneath everything. I am constantly scared of her. I am scared she’s going to have another crazy attack and shout at me about some stupid pointless thing. She has had several incidents of telling me about some pointless thing recently, even things that have nothing to do with Max. Like for instance, she didn’t want me to leave the inner wooden door open with only the screen door closed if I wasn’t right there in the same room or if she wasn’t there in the room downstairs, because I might not be able to hear it from my bedroom if somebody came in the front door.

I need to finish my laundry. I’ll write more later.

The point: I MUST LEAVE. I need a single apartment where I control the ENTIRE KITCHEN and every cubic inch of the refrigerator and every square inch of every tabletop and countertop so that I have a space to prepare my food. I have been thinking more and more and more hostile, angry, negative thoughts about Mary Jo and calling her bad names in my head. And it’s all because Max isn’t neutered, and I can’t stand up for my position on neutering because it is an esoteric minority position which is hard to find evidence for (like most of my beliefs).

Not sure which one did it to me, but, blah

June 19, 2015

I called off sick from work today. I tried minuscule, microscopic quantities of three different things yesterday – a couple drops of the tincture of gold coin grass, a microscopic quantity of a magnesium oxide supplement, and a microscopic quantity of a milk thistle supplement – I opened up the pill and took only a tiny bit of powder instead of the whole pill, and same for the magnesium – I broke a few chips off of that pill. However, the result was that I was so sick I called off work today. See why I never take the entire pill of anything anymore?

Gall is courage and strength, and I have that much gall

June 18, 2015

6:29 PM 6/18/2015

Gall is courage and strength, and I have the gall. I will have even more gall when I get my liver and gallbladder fixed. I have the gall to go against millions, or even billions, of people on this planet who all say that alcohol in moderation is okay. I have that much gall. I will say it against all of them, against billions of people: You Are Wrong. I Am Right. I am right. I have that much gall. There is no such thing as alcohol in moderation, and even the tiniest dosage is extremely toxic and causes severe and long-lasting brain changes, even just a few drops and even just once. It causes long lasting personality changes and depression in between bouts of drinking, even if you have only one drink at a time, once a week. There is no safe level for human consumption except absolute zero. I will oppose billions of people when I make this claim, and yes, I have that much gall. Gall is courage and strength. This is literal.

Herbal tincture in alcohol – dumped down the drain. There is no safe quantity of alcohol. It is a deadly poison unsafe for human consumption in even the smallest quantities, and there is no such thing as drinking in moderation. Moderation of alcohol does not exist and is a myth. Alcohol causes extreme, permanent damage and personality changes and cannot be used in any dose.

June 18, 2015

5:26 PM 6/18/2015

The herbal tincture in alcohol went the same way as the little bag of powdered hemp hearts. I decided that even at the level of microdoses, there is no safe quantity of alcohol that can be consumed, and there is no lower limit for the quantity of alcohol that causes addiction.

I told the story of the hemp hearts a couple months ago in my blog. Well, something similar happened again. I bought an herbal tincture for the liver and gallbladder. A tincture means it’s dissolved in alcohol. This was a fast impulse buy. I wouldn’t have wanted a tincture of alcohol, but I got it anyway.

It arrived, and I tried a tiny bit of it earlier today. This was Gold Coin Grass, along with several other herbs. I tried a couple drops of the liquid on a spoon, instead an entire teaspoon like the
instructions said. I wanted to see how I reacted to it.

It’s a good thing I didn’t use an entire teaspoon. Whatever it did, it certainly did something. I could feel these movements, spasms and clenching in the area of my gallbladder shortly after I swallowed this tiny drop of extract. I washed it down with plenty of water. It is a powerful herb combination.

I felt something in the area of my gallbladder clenching, and it caused me to furrow my eyebrows and make the ‘yuck’ face like I was going to vomit. There is a facial expression you make when you’re about to throw up. It’s a sort of worried, distasteful expression. I wanted to bend over forward and put my hand on my stomach.

I was uncomfortable, and I took a shower, and several times in the shower, I thought I would throw up. I had also eaten some food afterwards, hoping that maybe that would soothe the stomach. I kept feeling spasmodic clenching sensations in the area of my gallbladder. Then I felt a burning sensation in the liver area. It *definitely* did SOMETHING to the liver and gallbladder. And I had only a couple tiny drops.

I am quite sure the herbs themselves work and are effective, and I am going to try to get them again in some other form. However, using them in a tincture of alcohol is not acceptable.

When I tasted the drop of alcohol, I felt something that I knew came from the alcohol itself. It was a soothing pleasure, comforting, making me feel sleepy and peaceful.

But the effect that worried me the most didn’t happen immediately, it happened several hours afterwards. I took the drop of liquid earlier this afternoon. It might have been three hours later or so when the bad thing started to happen. I started to feel a desire for the alcohol. I knew what it was. I knew it existed. I wanted to take the tincture again. I began debating with the voices in my head, and they urged me to just take it, just try it, don’t worry about it. I reminded the voices about the caffeine fiasco years ago – how, originally, caffeine had been forbidden, but the voices in my head had argued with me and urged me to use caffeine, and I did, and look at me now, decades later, totally and helplessly addicted to caffeine in spite of all the harm it’s doing to me.

Alcohol is even worse than caffeine and worse than tobacco. I’m not quite sure if it’s worse than the hemp hearts (and therefore marijuana). When I went into withdrawal after eating the tiny crumbs of hemp hearts, I felt suicidal. I did not feel quite as strongly suicidal when I went into withdrawal from the drop of alcohol, but I did feel *depressed*, and I never feel ‘depressed’ in such a way that I would describe it using that word – I normally feel happy and cheerful unless I go into caffeine withdrawal. This feeling was clearly, obviously, unmistakably *depression*, and I had had only a couple drops of an alcohol tincture on a spoon.

Tobacco would be easier to quit than alcohol – if only you had my secret knowledge, which is that tobacco residue goes through the skin, and it gets all over your belongings and clothing and everything in your house. If you could decontaminate, then it would be very easy to quit tobacco. The tobacco withdrawal does not last very long, if only you have removed all objects that have tobacco residues on them and you stop touching tobacco-covered objects. I learned this through my own experience. People think it’s hard to quit smoking, but that is because they are constantly touching tobacco-covered objects, which triggers cravings.

Also, in order to quit tobacco, you must quit eating all foods in the nightshade family, because I experience cravings if I eat spicy foods or tomatoes, and Jesse always had cravings for Taco Bell if he had smoked tobacco recently – Taco Bell, or else the jalapeno McDouble from McDonald’s. He had cravings for spicy nightshade family foods after smoking tobacco. These foods partially satisfy you when you are going into withdrawal from tobacco, because they contain a form of nicotine at low doses, and then, you go into withdrawal from the foods themselves, and have a craving for more tomatoes, more peppers, etc a few hours later.

I took a walk because I was going to go over to the guy’s house where I am weeding the rock garden – it didn’t work out today, long story, I will go tomorrow – and on that walk, I noticed my feeling of depression and my desire for the tincture of alcohol, and I was arguing with the voices in my head. Finally I actually got angry at the voices – or rather, I was protected by an alternate personality and/or another controller who was capable of expressing anger on my behalf and protecting me, and this other personality commanded me to go home and dump the tincture down the drain – no matter what happened, I must promise that I will go straight upstairs to the bathroom and dump the tincture down the sink, no matter what, if anything distracted me, if anything got in my way, if I forgot, no matter what happened, I must do that immediately.

So after I walked in the house, I went upstairs, put my backpack on the floor, and then went into the bathroom and immediately dumped the tincture down the drain, flushing it with running water, and I repeatedly rinsed out the bottle.

Now, I must forget it exists, just like I did with the hemp hearts. I did not become suicidal, but I felt that the potential was there. People really do commit suicide around alcohol and marijuana.

Withdrawal from alcohol causes permanent, irreversible changes in the body. It actually causes a syndrome that I don’t remember the name of. Something changes when you go into withdrawal, and the more often you go into withdrawal, the worse these changes get. That shouldn’t be an excuse to avoid trying to quit alcohol though, it’s just that there should be a safer way to withdraw from alcohol, perhaps not cold turkey. I’d have to read about it again. You might have to withdraw slowly or something.

So I decided for sure: There is no such thing as alcohol in moderation. I decided that anybody who claims it is possible to use alcohol in moderation is lying to themselves and other people, and those people need to try quitting alcohol completely and cold turkey to prove that they really do have control over these urges. I could feel very intense, powerful desires and sensations of wanting more alcohol, even though I had only a couple drops, and I could feel a sensation of deep, profound depression in my brain after only a few hours had gone by since I drank it. I am not exaggerating. I am very observant. Other people don’t notice these things because they don’t hate alcohol as much as I do, and they aren’t looking for evidence against it. I am. I passionately hate alcohol and will look for the slightest evidence against it.

Also, even if it’s *possible* to resist this powerful urge for more alcohol, you *shouldn’t have to*. You shouldn’t have to walk around all day, with that feeling of depression, misery, sadness,
frustration, and near-suicidality, and then just resist that urge by brute force, just because it’s physically possible to resist that urge. That means you will have a miserable life of constant suffering where you walk around resisting an urge all day long. Just because it’s possible to resist an urge doesn’t mean that you will be happy and comfortable and enjoying your life during those hours, days, weeks, and years of resisting that urge constantly. Your mind should be free to think about other things besides that sensation of depression, misery, and suicidality, free to think of something other than resisting that urge to go get another drink. Fighting against your own urges with brute force is a waste of energy and causes constant suffering. You should not trigger those urges in the first place, and then you won’t have to fight them.

I believe that alcohol withdrawal profoundly changes people’s personalities. All these college kids who drink on the weekends, get totally drunk, and then go back to work or back to school on Monday and continue with their lives – those people are assholes, because they are in alcohol withdrawal, which causes them to be utterly miserable and depressed for several days, most of the week, until the next weekend when they can get drunk again. They suffer misery for days, act like assholes, feel depressed, take drugs for depression, and have their entire personality profoundly altered by this nonstop craving for alcohol that resulted from having drunk it on the weekend.

I can tell you, it totally changed the sensation of my brain, and I only had a couple drops. It will completely change a person’s personality until they are a totally different person and not themselves anymore.

There is no such thing as alcohol in moderation. After you have drunk it, you then suffer these changes all day and all night until you drink it again and get the good feeling again. In between those drinks, your personality is different and you suffer depression.

I don’t care what people say, I don’t care if everyone claims that red wine has health benefits – they can shove their resveratrol up their asses. That’s just an excuse, a lie that people have made up to comfort themselves and tell themselves it’s okay to be addicted to alcohol. It is never okay, even if you live in France or Italy and everyone drinks red wine. It isn’t okay. It isn’t okay even if all the health websites and all the doctors say it’s okay. Those people are wrong. I know it.

One of the smartest people I know is Diana Leafe Christian. I don’t know her personally, but I have read her books. And she said she doesn’t drink any caffeine. I believe that I would be as smart as she is if I weren’t using caffeine. If I had gone all these years without using caffeine, I would have been much smarter. I must quit caffeine again.

I will try Gold Coin Grass again for my gallstones, but I am not going to use it in the form of a tincture.

Low-tech Myst-like photo based game

June 17, 2015

12:39 PM 6/17/2015

A low tech game can be wonderful. I just played something called ‘Sissy’s Magical Ponycorn Adventure,’ made by a little kid and, I guess, her dad. She drew little pictures on paper with crayons, which were scanned into the computer and used as the images in the game. It was a very simple, short game. It was very cute. I’m not saying that I plan to play it a hundred more times because it was so awesome, but the idea is that it’s extremely low tech and zero budget, but a good game, because of the cuteness and the concepts and the childlike role playing. It’s like they’re playing pretend together. I’m the easily defeated bad guy who isn’t really scary, and you’re the extra-powerful good guy who uses magic.

Sometimes there will be a low tech game which becomes really popular and is great, so they make a sequel to it. The sequel is always bigger, bulkier, more expensive, more realistic, and more high tech – and invariably, the game is less wonderful.

Maybe I should follow the principles in ‘Composing Music – A New Approach,’ but apply them to video games instead. Like chord transitions. Maybe the storyline should transition from moments of extreme fear and stress, to quiet peaceful moments, and so on.

The basic idea: keep it simple. I could have principles, rules, to keep this game simpler than some upper limit of complexity. Don’t make the graphics too smooth. Don’t make the resolution too high.

If you can just use a photograph of a person’s face, it’s better than a computer animated model. I remember some old video games where an ordinary photo of a real person was the avatar for a character. ‘Betrayal At Krondor’ was one that had that. And I really loved those people! They were much more warm, real, and lovable than some cartoon or even a 3D animated computer model.

Same with Myst. Real actors played roles in movie scenes that you watched. It was less interactive, less action, but you could enjoy the warmth of the people.

But in the second, or maybe third, sequel of Myst – I think the third – they started to go high-tech, and it became distracting. You could see smooth-scrolling image transitions, instead of a sudden click to a still image, when you moved from view to view. The world would sort of spin slowly like you were really turning. It seems like this would be better, but in reality I found it annoying, and preferred the instant-click image transition. I had gotten used to them and found nothing wrong with them, and I hadn’t been thinking to myself that whole time, ‘Gee, wouldn’t it be nice if this image would smoothly roll to the next view like you were really turning your head?’

You don’t need to spend a huge amount of money on the game. And similarly, I myself don’t need to learn every single nuance of using GameMaker Studio. That would take forever. I could actually make a decent game as it is right now.

I had the idea to incorporate photographs as backgrounds in the game. Why not? They’re my photos and there are no copyrights on them. I took some photos for Jesse, and in one group of photos, I actually photographed several rooms in my house from different views.

I made these into a Myst-like set of rooms in my practice game. If you click on a certain area on the screen, you move to the next view. I don’t have enough photos to do more than just a few, and I could really use a bunch more views and directions and ways you can move around, but I was just testing. It actually came out to be a satisfying, interesting, extremely brief little adventure through my house.

It just so happened that Mary Jo’s cat Gigi was sitting there when I took the picture, and so she got included in several photos from several views. That was a nice little Easter egg. It wasn’t just a room – it was a room with a cute cat that you can pet. You play the game and you love the cat. Maybe the cat won’t always be sitting there. Maybe it will come and go randomly. Maybe I will take a different set of pictures of the same place without the cat in it.

I don’t have a great plot or storyline for what you are doing in my house. I would like to explore every nook and cranny, and look at all the junk on the shelves in the basement, hunting for magical objects. There could be a secret passageway in my attic crawlspace, if I get the courage to go in there and take photos of it. (My camera battery died, so I won’t be able to take any more until I get new batteries.)

However, I used to always love anything scary when I played pretend. I always wanted to be fighting monsters. I loved nightmares about monsters. I loved books about monsters. I loved games about monsters. Anything with scary monsters attacking you was great.

So for my photo-based game to have any scary monsters in it, I would have a real human dressed in a costume. It would be cheesy and low tech, but that is its charm. They would appear in one photo suddenly when they hadn’t been there before. You’d have seen that part of the house without a monster in it, then suddenly they will be there and it will scare the crap out of you. The monster costume is cute and scary at the same time. They are a sort of ‘easily defeated enemy,’ someone not really scary, perhaps sort of bumbling and incompetent.

There have been several recurring themes that I used to play when I was kid, or that my dreams were about, or that were in the books and movies I loved. I loved monsters and scary things chasing you; alternate dimensions (but what exactly is that?), and time travel, and magic. Time travel opens up such huge possibilities that you have to limit yourself somehow – it’s impossible to make a storyline when you are totally unlimited with infinite possibilities. (Hence, ‘The Time Machine I Found At A Yard Sale,’ the movie.)

I also used to play a lot of feeding rituals. I used to play Feeding The Dinosaurs with my neighbor. We had those hollow rubber dinosaurs, and we would sit outside and pull weeds and stuff them into the dinosaurs, then eventually make the dinosaurs throw up, and do it all over again. So, I like simulation games where you nurture people, like Roller Coaster Tycoon, where you have to make sure all the people are happy, people have a place to eat, drink, rest, go to the bathroom, and ride rides and have fun, etc. I want to make some kind of caretaker-nurturing simulation game.

What I want in my games, which is unusual, is what I mentioned above – real actors with recognizable faces in photographs. Very few of the games that I’ve seen have real individual people with recognizable faces in their games. They could appear anywhere, if only in a tiny avatar that shows you who your character is, but even there, they add a lot of warmth to the game. They can be a low resolution photo. I’m still thinking of Betrayal at Krondor, an old game. It just really makes a difference to have real, recognizable people. I’m Delta Quadra – I’m +Fi valuing! You play this game, and you feel like this person is almost like a friend of yours.

I need actors who will wear cheap monster suits and be willing to appear in various rooms of my house. I don’t know yet the exact technical details of how I will incorporate moving images. I might have 1. cutscenes, where you passively watch a video happen, or 2. cut out sprites which were made from videos and photos, but which have had many frames cut out of the animation to make them have a lot less data and be smaller. Both could be used in various places, if the player will suspend disbelief and tolerate low tech graphics.

Where is babybear? Here I am!

June 16, 2015

The caffeine pills are making me able to study and learn things again. I’m learning about instance variables in GameMaker. I also learned how to write text on the screen (using the pound # sign to write text on the next line), and how to write the pound # sign itself if you have to. The position of the instance on the screen is an instance variable. Each bear has its own position.

‘Duplicate Tab,’ not clone tab

June 16, 2015

It’s called ‘clone tab’ in the opera browser, but it was called ‘duplicate tab’ in firefox. Same thing.

OMG! I can’t even type a word without writing random gibberish letters that have no similarity at all to what I am trying to write. I’ve had more apple juice. Natural salicylate causes dyslexia, which all the Feingold dieters know.

I tried doing an intermediate level tutorial in GameMaker Studio a couple days ago. I just copied a bunch of text word for word, as well as I could, while half asleep at work. But the program didn’t work. It’s giving me the same error message every time.

So I painstakingly went through and corrected every single typo that I made. There were quite a few typos, and some of them were hard to see, but I found them, and I’m sure I found them all. However, no matter how many typos I corrected, the program still would not run. Since I had absolutely no idea what any of it meant, and was just copying it like a script kiddie, I don’t know how to troubleshoot it. I don’t know how to use GameMaker well enough to understand what the problem is. So, that particular tutorial is temporarily abandoned.

I’m not sure what I will fool around with today while I’m at work. At worst, I could just play Roller Coaster Tycoon for a while, if I am not feeling well and my brain is so dysfunctional that I can’t even type without writing gibberish.

overcaffeinated, angry about our culture

June 16, 2015

6:51 AM 6/16/2015

I tried to save this text file in the Recycle Bin. I got a message saying, ‘You can’t save this file here. Please choose another location.’ Lol. I was trying to click on the folder that I wanted to save it in, accidentally clicked ‘recycle bin’ because the list of files was still slowly expanding and moving around, because this operating system isn’t written in assembly language and everything takes 5 minutes to do, and so it occurred to me, could I try to save it in the recycle bin?

Acting weird, and being spontaneous and silly, is a result of drinking a lot of juice. I am salicylate sensitive. It results in my seeming intelligent. A lot of the things that people do that seem intelligent actually result from hyperactivity caused by the chemicals in food. I act more intelligent and funny when I am eating tons of salicylate in fruits and lots of artificial colors and flavors in soda and junk food. However, depending on a lot of factors, I can also be irritable and unable to get anything done.

Mary Jo has recently been doing things that are making me want to leave this apartment. I wonder if she is being ‘forced’ to do them, but it doesn’t matter. First there was the day when she was saying I should get Max neutered. Now yesterday she went up to my room and looked at all the mess, then talked to me about it later and told me that several things needed to be cleaned up. I’m well aware of the things that needed to be cleaned up, I just can’t do them when I’m working so much and I can’t do things at the time of day when I want to do them (2am, for instance) because of having a housemate and having to be quiet, and being unwilling to do things even while she’s awake because I just don’t like to do things when she is nearby. If I had my way I would probably be vaccuuming at 2 in the morning, or 11:00 at night, and that kind of thing.

I am waiting for two things before I try doing the liver cleanse. I am waiting for the herbal tincture to be delivered. It’s on its way. I have to try it and find out whether it is safe enough and tolerable enough that I will be able to use it. If not, I will look for some other way to do it. The second thing I am waiting for is, I need to finish eating the food that I have first before I go on the
juice-and-soft-vegetables diet. I will also need to wash some containers so that I can open up cans of vegetables and dump them in. Ideally I would be cooking vegetables from frozen and they would be organic, but this is easier and more likely to actually happen. I have to use the method that is most likely to actually happen.

I don’t know what I would do quickly if Mary Jo suddenly threw me out. I do still have a contaminated tent that I could camp in, and I have one single sleeping bag, and two contaminated blue foam pads to sleep on. Technically, I am capable of camping, reluctantly. I would strongly prefer to do a thorough decon first and buy new camping equipment, but haven’t had the money. I am working 32.5 hours at most, if I calculated correctly, plus a few extra hours weeding the rock garden. So I am not making a lot of money. Even though I’m using food stamps and am now taking food stamps for granted, I still never have any money.

So my cats would have to camp with me. I could not keep the tent door open for them, or my entire tent would be full of spiders and wasps. I do not have a separate cat tent. They would have no incentive to stay near the tent.

I noticed last night that I was capable of sort of plowing forward with a trivial project that might otherwise have been hard to do. I was looking up pictures of various edible wild berries online. I was saving the pictures in a folder and writing some characteristics of the plants in a file. I was doing this in a very distracted way, but even so, I kept going. Some of my anxiety was slightly reduced as a result of the very brief, short test of a juice fast, which
temporarily made me feel slightly better yesterday. I am quite sure that I will feel better after doing these things to treat my liver and gallbladder.

There are reasons why I avoid updating my browsers. I updated Firefox not long ago, and of course, they changed and moved around a bunch of trivial, pointless things, taking away features that I (and millions of other people) used all the time, for no reason. They took away the ‘clone tab’ option in the right click menu, which I used ALL THE TIME, as in, almost every time I used the internet I would have some need to clone a tab. There was no reason to remove that option from the right click menu! It wasn’t like the list of options in the right click menu was getting longer and longer and longer and some of them had to be eliminated to save space. No, they just arbitrarily decided, ‘We don’t need this anymore’ and took it away.

Well, millions of people protested, on the internet, when I googled it. And millions of dumb trolls responded, ‘There never was a “clone tab” option in firefox! You’re imagining things! You must have had an add-on that gave you a clone tab option.’ I know for certain that I have never wasted a single moment of my precious time downloading add-ons for firefox. It was just there. I had ‘clone tab’ and I used it every single day, and now, it’s suddenly gone.

Well, then, some of the other commenters responded, ‘How come nobody knows about this secret esoteric keystroke combination that will let you clone the tab?’ If you right-click on the teeny-tiny pixel-sized ‘refresh’ button (which has gotten smaller and smaller and harder to find with a mouse, over time), or middle-click on it, then it will clone the tab, even though that option is no longer in the right-click menu list. Bingo, I did it and it worked. Fuck you firefox!

And I have this latest browser, but of course, all of the badly designed bulky web pages still take five or ten minutes to load. I thought the web pages would start working properly now that I had the latest version of firefox, but no, they do not. No wonder I keep versions of browsers from ten years ago.

I really need to clean up this computer, but that won’t happen until I get a second hard drive to backup all my files on. Cleaning up the computer will help make it less slow and it will stop locking up as much. It doesn’t totally lock up and crash, hardly ever, but it locks up in that way where you click on something and the screen freezes and everything goes gray and the title bar says ‘not responding,’ and you have to wait, and wait, and wait, and then go to the task manager and click ‘end task’ because it’s faster to end it and restart it than it is to wait for it. I keep the task manager constantly open at all times because I have to do this routinely.

I thought of all this because I’m looking at my bank page in the opera browser, and recently they changed something so that I get an error message EVERY SINGLE TIME I go to the page, telling me I’m using an older browser and it might not work, but in reality, everything works fine because they have a relatively simple web page that isn’t bulky and doesn’t have any annoying special features, thank goodness. I can’t save a cookie saying, ‘Okay, I get it already, thanks, I don’t need a new browser’ so that I can stop seeing that message every time I go there. I can’t click a check box that says ‘Never tell me this again.’ I have to just go through this error page every single time.

I have had two caffeine pills this morning, just so you know. I am going to be verbose all day.

I haven’t been taking the ginseng for the past week or so. Taking the ginseng seems to strongly correlate with me attempting to learn things very aggressively, and so does the St. John’s Wort. So I haven’t really been studying assembly language, or Windows scripting, or GameMaker Studio, or MuseScore. I have been passively fiddling with them while I’m at work, but not in an assertive, aggressive way where I would actually learn anything. Again, it is anxiety that prevents me from trying to learn. I feel like certain things must be in order before it is safe for me to learn. When I am on drugs, I ignore that and just go ahead and learn anyway.

I wanted to gripe about something having to do with wild native useful and edible plants. First, I discovered that there are all these serviceberry trees all around the State College Borough office on Allen Street. I went years not knowing what a serviceberry tree was and couldn’t find one to look at so that I could taste the berries. Then, a week or two ago, I tried to look for a ‘rails to trails’ path that supposedly exists in State College, and failed to find it. I tried going through the paths of the botanical garden at Penn State, because supposedly the trail entrance is near there, but I never found it. Instead I ended up wandering around the botanical garden. I think this might possibly have been a puppet incident, but I’m not sure.

Anyway while I was there I saw a serviceberry tree, and it was labeled with a sign, thanks to the botanical garden. I would actually love to see botanical gardens everywhere, with every single plant labeled with a sign, in town, along the sidewalk. All those little rain gardens that they plant need to have native plants that are labeled with a sign so that you can become familiar with the plant names and know what they look like.

So I finally got to eat serviceberries and now I know what they look like, and I am becoming better at recognizing them quickly. I went years hoping to find a serviceberry tree somewhere. Suddenly I saw them all around the State College Borough Office, like I said.

These two things annoyed me: that the botanical garden didn’t have hopniss! and that the botanical garden was so small, and that the State College Borough landscaping people knew what they were doing when they planted the serviceberry trees, but nobody inside the building has any clue about them, and nobody passing on the sidewalk has a clue or gives a fuck about them, and/or it’s socially
unacceptable to pick berries in public. For whatever reason, this entire town is walking past the berries and just letting them fall and rot. I thought I was the only person who didn’t know what a serviceberry tree was, but it turns out that this entire town is full of ignorant retards who *ALL* don’t know what a serviceberry tree is. Not a single person in the entire town realized that there are a dozen serviceberry trees along the sidewalk and all their berries are just falling and rotting because everyone is too stupid to pick them.

I hate this culture! Our schools teach us stupid garbage that doesn’t help us in life at all, but they can’t be bothered to teach us to recognize edible native plants that are hardy and noninvasive in this climate and should be planted everywhere and harvested all the time.

No, we are too lazy to reach up to a tree and pick our own berries. We must buy berries in a store which have been mechanically harvested elsewhere in a giant field by people who specialize in doing nothing but picking berries for us. I don’t mind if you want to do it an easier way, such as laying a blanket around the foot of the tree and then whacking the branches with sticks, the way Native Americans did. That’s fine.

And the botanical garden is so tiny, and so incomplete, and so hidden away. Penn State is this enormous, sprawling, wasteful, multimillion or billion dollar campus, getting its money from guaranteed student loans, inflating its prices higher and higher, mowing a thousand acres of green grassy lawns, with one tiny botanical garden tucked far, far away off to the side, showcasing native plants. What… the… fuck! For every acre of mowed lawn, why couldn’t they plant rows and rows and rows of edible native trees and bushes and other plants, and never mow the lawn, while simultaneously letting people walk the paths and pick their own berries, which would be labeled and marked as edible so that people would know, and invite the public in there to do this, for free, as often as they wanted – NO! THEY MUST MOW THE LAWN! IT MUST BE HUNDREDS OF ACRES OF MOWED LAWN THAT NOBODY WALKS ACROSS! Nobody is out there playing frisbee or playing tag or running around on this lawn! You just don’t even walk over it. You don’t touch it. It is there merely to take up as much space as possible. For every native species that they have driven to extinction because of all this lawnmowing, they have ONE TINY LABELED SPECIMEN in their tiny botanical garden to ‘showcase’ and ‘highlight’ and ‘educate the public’ about them! How educational would it be to maybe, just maybe, fill up hundreds of acres with edible native plants that the public could walk along and pick and take home for free, instead of mowing the lawns? How educational would it be to graze the goats on that lawn and let people milk their own goats? But no, we must mow the lawn, and raise the prices of our tuition higher and higher, because we can!

And then, we must quote unquote ‘solve the problem of world hunger’ and ‘provide food for an ever increasing population’ and all that bullshit! But elsewhere, not in my backyard! Not on my mowed lawn! Not on my thousand acre estate! I am too fucking lazy to reach my arm up and pick a couple serviceberries off a serviceberry tree.

Yeah… two caffeine pills this morning. It’s not gonna be a good day.

Just the irony of mowing thousands of acres of lawn, and then showcasing one teeny little isolated lonely specimen of a native plant inside a tiny little botanical garden whose purpose is to ‘educate.’ It makes me angry. And it makes me angry that everyone is too stupid to pick the berries around the borough building, and I had to be the one to do it, and of course people thought it was unusual.

I don’t have time, or I will miss the bus. I just don’t want to get up and go to work today. I want to write all day long. Maybe I will do that.