Archive for February, 2012

I edited that because it isn’t March 1st.

February 29, 2012

And I am somewhat calming down after having had a bad residue reaction. It made me crazy for most of today. Those are the types of reactions that come from the floor of the car, the stuff that’s always in and on my shoes. That causes the worst of the mania. That will end when I get rid of the car.

Very soon, maybe this week, I can pay off the bike, and I will start moving things into the tent, and probably doing more work on the tent to make it better. I’ll be living without a car, but more importantly than anything else, I will be living without major drug residues for the first time since 2006 when it began. This impossible, unthinkable, inconceivable, unimaginable, unbelievable nightmare is going to end. I’m not saying that everything in my life will simultaneously and suddenly get fixed, just this one particular horrible disaster.

Then I will finally be quiet again, for the first time in a long time. When I’m not constantly affected by the drug residues, I won’t be exhausted, and so I’ll stop using caffeine. That means I will finally, finally shut up, and I will only blog occasionally and briefly. I’m not sure what I will focus on at that time, but I know I need a few things, like a healthy diet, which requires a project. I have a few ideas, but I’ll wait until I’ve gotten settled in first.

I cannot believe that I am actually getting rid of the drug residues for real. I have lived with them so long, they have shaped all of my life, all of my behavior. They have made me go crazy again and again. They have ruined so many things that I’ve tried to do, they’ve ruined relationships and caused me to harass people, they’ve caused me to constantly talk and never shut up in this blog, they’ve caused me to start dozens of unsustainable, inappropriate, poorly planned projects and then abandon them. I will finally be much more calm and quiet and able to choose conservatively whenever I make plans, instead of doing things that will require too much energy, projects where the results are too far away and too vague.

Anyone who’s actually following my blog will be surprised whenever I do what I say I’m going to do, when I finally shut up and start writing much less often and much smaller blogs. But it will happen.

Today, March 1, is a holiday known as ‘Stigmatize A Particular Socionic Type Day.’

February 29, 2012

6:16 AM 2/29/2012

(*Edit, no it’s not, it’s March Fools Day, the day when you accidentally think that it’s March, but it’s actually February 29th.  I only found this out when I punched in at work.  I didn’t even notice that the F5 date stamp from Notepad said that it was February 29th.*)

(*And now that I’ve written this post, I’m going to change my mind about it, because this is the type of BS that I spew while manic.  Tomorrow I’ll say that the ESI is the real villain, and so on, and then I’ll say they’re not.  Then I’ll say that no particular type is more villainous than any other.  Then I’ll say I know lots of SEEs who are wonderful people, which is true.  I hate the disinformation in this blog, and I hate the mania, and I hate the delusional beliefs and the suggestions.*)

I stopped using the word ‘sociopath’ several years ago.

I had a really bad reaction last night for two reasons, 1. because I put my slightly wet feet into a pair of dirty socks after I bathed, and 2. because of smoke inhalation, as there seemed to be a lot of smoke lingering in the air last night not blowing away. But it was mostly because of the socks, since the residues are always on my shoes and socks.

And so, now is a really bad time for me to be discussing any kind of controversial topic at all. I am much more suggestible than usual since I’ve had a drug reaction.

They woke me up talking about sociopaths, but actually, they were talking to me about them all night long. This was all triggered by me talking about SEEs as the evil villains in these movies. Oddly enough, I typed the Dragon Tattoo girl as an SEE, but ‘they’ retyped her as a SLI. There is a scene where she is doing a logical query on the computer – how comfortable is an SEE with doing things like logical queries? This is a serious question, not a rhetorical question.

But anyway, I stopped using the word ‘sociopath’ several years ago. I stopped attaching that ominous feeling of absolute evil to a human being. There used to be this feeling of horror, this feeling that somebody was inhuman, this feeling that they were nothing but a robot in a human body, that they were a manifestation of absolute evil. There was a time in my life when I was looking for such people.

I think one of the reasons why I stopped using that word was because I started learning about some of the causes of evil behavior. It might have been because I learned that antidepressants cause people to commit homicide and suicide, for instance, and I even experienced an antidepressant myself (Prozac – I also tried St. John’s Wort, but it wasn’t as completely all-numbing as Prozac was), and I can verify that it made me completely numb to everything, so I can imagine someone becoming so emotionally numb that they would kill others or themselves. I learned that something causes people to be evil.

Also, when I learned about mind control, it became even more difficult to decide who was good and who was evil. It’s possible to control someone without even implanting a chip in their body. Many people used to believe that you HAD to have a mind control chip implanted in you. You don’t. They can control you merely by aiming a beam of a particular frequency at you, and it greatly helps if you are on drugs. Transdermal drug residues are more insidious than drugs – you don’t know you’re ‘on’ a drug residue, you believe that you’ve stopped taking the drug, or you believe that you’ve never even taken a drug at all, and yet, you are being affected by a drug which goes directly through your skin. If you combine transdermal drug residues with external control, you can force people to do terrible things, every day, and everyone else doesn’t know whether those people came up with the idea to do that themselves, or whether it was suggested to them from outside. It’s no longer clear who is responsible for doing the evil, whatever it is.

It’s the same as the Imperius Curse in Harry Potter. They said, ‘How do you sort out the liars?’ Some people claimed they did what they did because they were forced to do it while hypnotized by the Imperius Curse, but some of those people would be liars, people who had done it of their own ‘free will,’ quote unquote – whatever that is, if it exists. I know that I myself do not have free will. I don’t know anymore what free will feels like.

So what they talked to me about was the laws of nature, the laws of logic, the way we argue against a fallacious belief system. I would need to refresh my memory about those kinds of things.

I tried searching for the plus and minus signs, in Russian, but I found the model where they have only ONE element per box. I wanted to find the model where they show TWO elements per box, and I want to understand the theory behind that model. I believe it is *very important*. +Te is not my only creative function. -Ti is also part of my creative function. This would greatly help reconcile socionics with Jungian Function whatevers – I can’t recall the name – I had an acronym, JFC or something. They claim that an ISTP’s first two functions are Ti and Se. You can reconcile that with the id functions in socionics, or else you might interpret it as being the ‘second half’ of the base functions. Jungian Cognitive Functions, JCF. Anyway, it’s really important for me to find out more about the two-elements-per-box model. I want to know who that model comes from. The first place I saw it was in an image called ‘True Model A,’ from the forum. It’s just a picture of the model with two elements per box, with plus and minus signs.

Anyway it might possibly be -Ti that I would need to ‘sharpen’ in order to argue against belief systems. It also might be part of +Te. My demonstrative function is +Ti/-Te, and I can also sharpen that.

‘They’ were asking me to judge something and avoid using the word ‘ethics’ to describe what I was doing. Instead, I was talking about effectiveness and ineffectiveness. It’s bad to encourage people to do something which is ineffective, something that doesn’t work.

I remember from dating my extremely crazy boyfriend in high school that I stopped trying to argue logically about *anything*. He was completely crazy and it was not possible to argue or explain anything. I believe he was on drugs, and he was also being abused at home. He was reading books by Hitler and Marx, and he was interested in Satanism. He also had Tourette’s Syndrome and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

It was because of him that I developed a feeling of learned helplessness about trying to judge or argue against anything at all that other people were doing. I don’t even *try* to judge or argue anymore. I don’t try to say that I disapprove of something, even if I do.

That’s one reason why I was trying to read Nathaniel Branden for all those years, but then I got attacked by mind control, and it was impossible to do any kind of self-improvement while being tortured and murdered and controlled, because they fill my mind with garbage constantly. I was trying to learn how to develop enough self-esteem that I could confront people I disagreed with, once again. I also was using Roger Callahan’s Thought Field Therapy, or Emotional Freedom Techniques (the free, stolen version). The tapping and pressure is similar to acupressure, and it is effective at relaxing me (whenever I’m 1. not on drugs or affected by other toxic chemicals or food sensitivities 2. not being zapped by murderers).

Even beyond drugs and mind control, there are still more reasons why someone might be a sociopath, and I do not know what all those reasons are.

Now that I myself have experienced being a puppet, I am not hasty to give out the death sentence to all of the sociopaths. If people ran around giving death sentences to people for doing evil things, then I myself could have been judged for being forced to do things while under the influence of drugs and mind control, although I haven’t done anything horribly evil. I always want to know what is causing this person to act this way. That’s why I always say that even if I like a particular movie where the villain gets killed, I myself am not going to make that decision.

So, the topic of the day was ‘sociopaths,’ since I had written about the evil villains in the movies I’ve watched recently as being people who I found somewhat likeable, and I had been trying to type them.

**************
Now everyone’s an SEE. Judith Swack, the fraudulent magician psychotherapist who uses electronic harassment to convince her clients that they are having a ‘psychic experience’ – she’s an SEE. (She may be a puppet, too. I’ve always wanted to have her investigated, but alas, I don’t have infinite money and time to do such things.) My severe harassment began with her, although I had a few mild symptoms of it before that.

Again, it’s important to use the Model A with two elements per function block. Not only do I have +Fe as my vulnerable function, I also have -Fi as my vulnerable function, which means that I don’t realize I’m being betrayed by an evil person until it’s too late, until I’ve learned it the hard way, through experience only. -Fi is the awareness of good and evil, and the ability to manipulate people at a distance, for instance, turning them against each other as they blame each other for something that happened, like the car bomb at the Israeli Embassy, where they tried to blame someone who was actually on good terms with the country of Georgia. Blaming innocent people, while keeping yourself safely out of the way, and turning other people against each other, is a strong use of -Fi, the manipulation of good and evil, and of people’s beliefs about who is good and who is evil. ‘Ethical’ types aren’t necessarily ethical. They can be the most unethical of all the types. They have they greatest control over ethics, for good or for bad. Ethics are emotions, and maybe the word ‘ethics’ is a bad choice of word, because it has positive connotations. ‘Feelings’ is usually the word used in the Myers-Briggs (but I hate the Myers-Briggs, because it mistypes everyone as an intuitive, which causes chaos).

I’m recovering from a really bad residue reaction, and I can’t wait till it’s completely fixed, because I don’t like being suggestible to these kinds of ideas.

I may not be easily able to judge whether someone is good or evil, but I can judge whether they are encouraging people to do things that are effective or ineffective, such as gambling or wasting money on something that doesn’t work.

more about SEEs in movies; John Galt character; transdermal drug residues and stimulant drugs; durable things that last forever; being anti-furniture; how do we live in the world long-term while mind control still exists?

February 28, 2012

As usual, this is one of my really long posts. I won’t be writing this way forever, just for now, during this time period. Afterwards, in the next phase, I will write differently, and less often, and the posts won’t be as long.

11:54 AM 2/28/2012

After watching ‘Gone’ and realizing that a lot of the characters were SEEs, I realized that the ‘Twilight’ series is also SEE. I get this feeling that Twilight is ‘pulp,’ and yet, I like it. I don’t love it, but I like it enough that I watched ‘Breaking Dawn’ several times. I also love the music in those movies. I have that same ‘illusionary relationship’ feeling, the feeling that I’m with someone who has the same type of sensing that I have (reversed, according to the plus-and-minus chart: -Si/+Se, +Se/-Si – and I don’t know the theory behind that chart, so I can’t explain it), but they have ethics with it. And I can’t explain the ordering of those plus and minus signs, about why one of them is first and one is second, about why they alternate the way they do. But I can tell that this person is an ‘ethics’ person, and they are different from the Alpha SF types.

I also get the feeling that they are able to provide comfort and companionship, but they are not able to give me much insight: we are both seeking -Ne/+Ni, +Ni/-Ne, and not finding it in each other. I don’t discover surprising new ways of looking at things with them, and yet, I can imagine having a sort of quiet and stable relationship with someone like that. That’s actually about the kind of relationship that I was preparing to settle down into, something kind of like my relationship with Peter, whom I suspected was an SEE.

I really, really get the feeling that there is a huge shortage of intuitives, and not just my kind of intuitives, but all kinds, and maybe it’s because I’m not in college, and maybe it’s because I’m not in the city, and maybe it’s because I’m working in a low-wage fast-food job, but even so, even in all those places where you do have some slight hope of finding them, they are still a minority compared to the sensors. You can find them in densely populated areas, you can find them in jobs where it’s possible to avoid manual labor, you can find them in places where ‘book learning’ is valued.

I am not saying that intuitives are incapable of doing manual labor – we had this discussion in the forum once – but I am saying that in general, the types of jobs they tend to go into, as a rule of thumb, usually are jobs where you try to avoid manual labor. They do not work as a cook at McDonald’s for the rest of their lives, usually, unless they are getting paid very well for it. And there are situations where people in low-level food jobs are getting paid very well. My ex-boyfriend has been a baker at a grocery store for many years and he is at the maximum wage there, and that is enough that it’s possible to get by with working only one job instead of two. Similarly, there are a few McDonald’s employees who have been around for a very, very long time, and they were here when we used to have different store owners, and they got paid a very high wage, but when the store was sold and given back to the McD corporation, they no longer allowed anybody to increase their wages to such a high level as they used to. But some of those old employees still have much higher wages than the new employees do.

I’m just writing to entertain myself again, although the battery will run out soon, and I’ll have to go to the library or something.

Yesterday I discovered that the hot water heater was finally fixed, at my favorite bathroom in the parking garage, so I can take baths there again. I like that bathroom because: 1. It’s a single person bathroom, so you can lock the door. 2. It’s not very busy, so you almost never have anybody outside waiting to get in. 3. It has a ‘real’ faucet, as in, one that has a handle that you can turn, and leave on, instead of one of those horrible automatic faucets that detects the movement of your hand underneath it, and shuts itself off after it has gently drizzled half a cup of lukecold water over your hands, not even enough to rinse off the soap (and I usually don’t use hand soap anymore, but other people do).

I’m thinking of how I typed the evil villain as SEE, in the movie ‘Gone.’ There was a time when he was talking to her on the phone, getting her to come over to visit him. He was telling her a story about a father and daughter who had lived in the forest for a long time, bathing in the creek, keeping their perishables cold in the creek, and how the father didn’t send her to school, but instead, he taught her himself. I liked that story. The point of the story was that these people had lived in the forest without getting caught, and so, wouldn’t it be possible to also commit murders out there and nobody would ever find the bodies? But I liked the story he told, and I liked it that he paid attention to that type of information, which is part of how I typed him as SEE. His base function notices and collects information pertaining to ‘living a free life,’ ‘being invisible to the people who don’t want you living on their land,’ ‘living a healthy primitive natural life in the woods,’ ‘living life your own way instead of the way modern society wants you to,’ and other things that are often attractive to +Se/-Si elements. (*Note, I probably shouldn’t say that.  Now that I think about it, it’s attractive to the SEI, too, and they are actually +Si/-Se.  And the SLE often likes that lifestyle, too, and they are -Se/+Si.  So, that’s not really true.  Maybe I should just say that these things are most often attractive to irrational sensors.  But then I could list the intuitives who like those things too.  It gets complicated.*)

His voice sounded exactly like John Galt’s voice, from the Atlas Shrugged movie. I don’t know if John Galt from the book was an SEE, but it seems as though the movie writers interpreted his character that way, because he is playing the role of ‘liberator,’ someone who sets people free from society, and takes them to a faraway place where they are protected and sheltered and secret – all of which is very attractive to my base function as well, -Si/+Se. Galt’s Gulch is a primitive place where they live a self-reliant life, providing their own eggs from their own chickens, and that kind of thing, and apparently, Ayn Rand found that lifestyle idyllic as well.

Atlas Shrugged might be interpreted as -Ne, because it’s a global view of what happens to the entire world if a particular scenario would occur. She describes what happens to the entire economic system and the culture. Gamma also uses -Te, global Profiteor, and Atlas Shrugged is all about business and how all the businesses in the world interact with each other.

Ayn Rand was a hardcore stimulant drug user, which explains why she was so harsh and intolerant and crazy. She used a drug for weight loss, and Nathaniel Branden said that he had only found out years later that this particular drug causes paranoia, delusions, angry behavior, and other things that Ayn Rand was doing, and he said she would have been horrified if she had known and understood what the drug was doing to her. It probably explains why she was capable of creating such a huge book, and I am not joking – stimulant drugs will cause some people to just talk and talk and talk and talk endlessly, which is what it makes me do. If you’re an intelligent person with a creative mind, then hardcore stimulant drugs will cause you to use your creativity in brilliant, profitable ways, and you might become a famous genius celebrity book author.

But when I listened to her interviews, I sort of agreed with Rick typing her as LSI. He had difficulty typing her, and he had several different interpretations at one point.

However, I’ve argued several times that she had a weakness of sensing, and Nathaniel Branden described her as becoming totally helpless if she had to do such a simple task as sewing a button back onto her shirt if it ripped off.

Anyway, I usually am typing her as a Gamma NT, but don’t know if she was an LIE or ILI.

******
I was thinking in more detail of what I will do when I get the bike. I had to remind myself several times that the most important thing on earth was: to get rid of all the drug residues. It didn’t matter if I was inconvenienced by getting rid of the car. It didn’t matter if it was harder for me to go shopping and get things I needed. I was thinking of how hard it would be to go out and buy sheet metal if I were going to experiment with building a shield. (If I could find a cave, I would just test what happened if I slept overnight in a cave, but I don’t have any caves conveniently close by.) Anyway I had to remind myself that nothing else mattered, except getting rid of the transdermal drug residues.

I googled ‘drug residues’ recently and saw a lot of results. Someone was talking about meth lab contamination. There was a little baby, and the baby’s mother was asking, on a forum, if it was possible that the baby’s clothing had gotten contaminated because it had been living in a meth lab, or else it had visited the house of someone who had later been discovered to have a meth lab, or something. She said that after the baby went there, the baby was unable to sleep, all night long.

That is typical of my own ephedra contamination incidents, and ephedrine is used in meth labs. It goes directly through the skin, stays in clothing even after you wash the clothing literally dozens of times, and even a couple molecules are enough to cause extremely severe, persistent insomnia, which will go on for months and months and months (like the character in ‘Fight Club,’ who didn’t sleep for several months), unless you get rid of all of the clothing, throw it in the garbage, don’t use it ever again, rip out the carpets that people have walked on, rip out the linoleum even on the kitchen floor because the residues cannot be successfully mopped up from the linoleum, and so on. You have to throw away all of your belongings. There is no hope of washing them or saving them. The best thing to do, seriously, is just burn the house down, but that’s not normally an option. You would have to rip off and replace every single surface of the inside of the house that anybody had touched, and if there had been any kind of vapor or smoke, it would be all over the ceiling, too.

And while replacing all of those surfaces, you would have to follow a contamination protocol, where you refrain from touching Surface Y after having touched Surface X, because the materials on Surface X will be transferred to Surface Y with your touch. So you would have to carefully plan in advance an orderly series of tasks, making sure that nothing old ever touched anything new, either directly or indirectly, at all, not even a couple molecules. I know all of this from personal experience.

And this woman was asking if it were possible that her baby got contaminated, and some ignorant jerk immediately answered, ‘NO! THAT IS ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE! THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN! INCONCEIVABLE! YOU’RE CRAZY AND DELUSIONAL AND PARANOID! STOP IMAGINING THINGS THAT AREN’T REAL!’ But I knew instantly that that was exactly what was happening. A couple of other people then gradually started writing to say, yes, it was indeed possible, and they gave some examples and some links to other articles and stories about how that had happened.

When federal agents go in to investigate a meth lab, they wear hazmat suits.

Anyway, the point of all that was this: that I am once again reminding myself that my only goal is to get rid of my drug residues completely so that this nightmare will finally end. I will still be exposed once in a while to drugs from everywhere else, from going into a room full of secondhand smoke, from sitting in chairs at the library after prescription drug users were there, from wearing the shared borrowed coats at McDonald’s – and I really, really want to avoid doing that, actually, but haven’t made it an official project yet – I absolutely must have my own coat to wear at McDonald’s whenever I am working in drive-thru on cold days, and I absolutely must avoid sharing the borrowed coat – other people smoke while wearing that coat, and I always have a reaction when I put it on. So there will still be a few problems.

But if I am in my own tent, it will be quick and easy to replace anything that would ever get contaminated, unlike the floor of my car, or the seats of the car, which have caused me to have hundreds of reactions because they cannot be cleaned, and all the fabric surfaces must be ripped off and replaced, which I will not do.

In my tent, in my shack, whatever it is, whatever it will be, I am able to replace the entire *floor*, if necessary. If my floor is made of dirt, I can remove the dirt and bring in new dirt. I can pile new dirt on top of old dirt. If my house is made of something cheap and disposable, just a piece of plastic, or sticks that I collected in the woods, if anything ever became contaminated, I would just remove the objects and replace them, or even build a new house. But I will not ever become that badly contaminated again, because I will not be directly handling toxic herbs. I will have control over my belongings and they will no longer be un-cleanable surfaces that were made to last forever.

I know there will be a lot of inconveniences when I no longer have a car, and in fact, my expenses might even *increase*, if I end up riding the bus several times every day, for some reason. But I am telling myself that doesn’t matter, the inconveniences don’t matter, nothing matters at all, except getting rid of the residues. I am *not* going to postpone getting rid of the car until I’ve done X, Y, and Z, which is what I was thinking about this morning. I was thinking I’d still need the car in order to build a shield, because I will need to carry around panels of sheet metal. My reply to this false, planted doubt (which came from the mind control) was this: Where there’s a will, there’s a way. I can do anything I want to do, within reason, and there are no laws of physics being broken if I insist that somehow there is a way for me to carry around panels of sheet metal even if I don’t own a car. ‘It will require a Project’ is the answer. Also, there are a couple of places I want to go to, like Green Bank, WV, and again, I refuse to postpone getting rid of the car merely because of that. If I need to get there, I will, even if there are no buses going that way. I will find a ride if I have to.

Anyway, getting rid of the contamination is my only goal. I have to get rid of these things that are made to last forever, things that cannot be easily replaced. There is a dark side to durability. Modern products are often built to last forever – and yes, I usually complain about how they don’t make them like they used to, which is true – they don’t make machines and equipment able to function without breaking down. But the materials and surfaces and substances are things that are not easily destroyed, things that do not decay, like plastic and metal, and fabrics that are tightly sewn on to the outside of furniture, and that kind of thing. These objects can sit around for a hundred years. The substances are durable. You can buy a couch, and, let’s assume you’re not one of those picky trend-following people who insist that a couch is old and ugly and out of style, and they buy a new couch every three years, but instead, you’re like me, and you’d keep a couch for the rest of your entire life, for eighty years, if you had to, because you don’t care how the couch looks, you only care that it’s performing the function of letting you sit somewhere.

It bothers me greatly whenever I see people putting couches out on the curb for the garbage truck to pick up. I absolutely hate that. It makes me angry. It makes me hate this culture. I see couches that have absolutely nothing wrong with them, and people are throwing them away for no reason, and buying new couches. These couches, and other furniture, were never contaminated with toxic drug residues. They were perfectly clean and usable, but people throw them away. Then they go out and buy more furniture, on their credit cards. They’ll do that if they see a stylish new couch that matches the color scheme better, and that kind of thing. I *hate* that.

My anti-furniture attitude is actually something I’ve had for a very long time. I wasn’t aware that I was anti-furniture. I just discovered it. I discovered it gradually whenever I had to move back and forth to college every year, when I had to drive home with all my stuff in the back of the pickup truck with a tarp over it, and every item was an added nuisance. I didn’t have large furniture, but I had things like lamps and plastic drawers for my clothes.

Now that I’m on the subject of moving back and forth every year to go to college, I’m tempted to rant about how I also hate it that colleges don’t go year-round, and schools don’t go year-round, and how it was a long time ago that they gave people the summers off because the farm workers needed to do their work. Farm work is one of the only types of child labor that is legal in this country. If child labor were legal, *so many* terrible problems would be easily solved. I won’t get into it – I see that my battery is dying. But anyway, very few children are actually going home for the summer and helping their mothers and fathers do farm work. So there is no reason at all to have summer vacation from school. School should go year-round, and vacations should be done however you feel like doing them, for instance, a couple weeks at a time, here and there, throughout the year.

But anyway, I discovered just how strongly anti-furniture I was, when I moved out and started living in an apartment. Every time I moved from one apartment to another, for any reason, I had to carry everything up and down the steps. I can’t imagine what it would be like to carry couches up and down the steps every time you move, but there are people out there who do this. There are people who carry washers and dryers, dishwashers, beds, and couches, and other things, and televisions, and all that, every time they move. I’ve lived in little houses with tiny wooden stairs, like a little fire escape, with tight twisty corners, and I can’t imagine going around those corners with a king-sized bed or something.

So I always bought nothing but folding card tables, and folding card chairs, from Wal-Mart. I had a mattress, which was on the floor. I had a recliner, but it was only because I didn’t know any better at the time when I bought it, and I got it for a reason – I got it because I believed it was necessary to ‘get a credit history’ by buying something and paying it back gradually. I eventually got a dishwasher, and it was a huge impossible nuisance to move around. I don’t like anything that requires me to *get help*. If I have to ask other people to help me lift it up and down the stairs, if I have to ask somebody who owns a pickup truck (I don’t have a pickup truck anymore, I have a Honda Civic, and I guess it’s called a ‘coupe’ – it has two doors, and it has a trunk instead of a hatchback, and it’s not really what I wanted) to let me use their pickup truck to move my dishwasher from place to place when I’m going to a new apartment or putting the dishwasher in storage – anyway, if I have to ask for help with something, then it’s not worth having.

Well, yes, I had said the battery was dying, but I will probably just go to the library, plug it in, and keep on typing. I am waiting, still, waiting for the money to accumulate in my checking account, bit by bit, and I am close to paying off the bike. I don’t like this bike – it’s not what I wanted – and so, I am going to observe and record everything that I hate about the bike, so that I will know how to purchase another bike in the future. I didn’t want to get rid of my old bike, but it was contaminated, and I knew not to bother to try cleaning it off. The risk is too great – just get rid of it. Anyway, I know I will hate my new bike. I purchased it hastily, without thinking, and that’s *always* how I have to purchase things.

My perception of not having any free time is partly caused by the fact that my brain is constantly being bombarded with attacks. If I were free to think quietly, to meditate, then I would be able to make plans and decisions much more quickly and efficiently, and I simply wouldn’t *need* so much free time. But everything I do is a huge big deal, time-consuming and inefficient, slow and painful and exhausting.

I’ve noticed that if I park my car in the parking garage, and try to do some work there, I can work better. I don’t get attacked quite as severely when I’m in the parking garage. It seems as though it’s helpful to have a large amount of thick concrete around you. I’ve slept in the parking garage before, and I do still get attacked, and I do still hear voices, but…. there is some particular type of attack which is changed or reduced, and I’m not sure exactly which one. There is an attack that happens every couple seconds, something that zaps me, and disrupts my energy. When I’m in the parking garage, that attack doesn’t happen, or else it’s greatly reduced. As a result, I am able to have a smooth and uninterrupted painless workflow. So whenever I need to sort out the garbage that’s piled up in the back seat of my car, I go into the parking garage, so that I can do this unpleasant task quickly and painlessly. I cannot do any unpleasant tasks whenever I am exposed outdoors. It’s harder for me to do that particular task if, for instance, I’m outside in a parking lot. I am aware of being constantly disturbed. It could possibly be because of not seeing so many people driving around and moving around me, in the garage, but I don’t think so – it feels like I’m getting fewer attacks. I can also sit and meditate in there with slightly less disruption than I can outdoors. I can still use the cell phone inside of a parking garage. So I still have a radio field that is able to get through. But some particular attack is harder for them to do when I’m in there. That would be listed under ‘countermeasures for electronic harassment.’

Anyway, if I were not constantly disturbed, I would get everything done more quickly and efficiently, and I would have more willpower. I could will myself to do whatever I wanted to do.

I do not have free will. I am a slave, physically, psychically. But how do we solve this problem peacefully? How do we make peace with the fact that we must all coexist on this planet in spite of the fact that somebody out there is using mind control to enslave us? I do not want to see a future of constant war, as people struggle for their freedom, for free will itself. The solution isn’t to go out there and kill whoever is doing it (like in those soothing role-play fantasy movies where the villain is only one person, by himself, and he’s stupid enough that you can easily find him and kill him and the problem is solved). In reality, the villain is knowledge, and technology, and it still exists, even if the particular people who are using it are gone. Those people will always be replaced by someone else who learns how to use this knowledge. The knowledge is recorded permanently. It cannot be erased, unless we burn every book on earth, and destroy every computer on earth, and wait for the death of every single person who knew about it. And then, even if we did that, ‘money’ would be the next evil villain. Anybody who has access to infinite amounts of money and power will be able to create new technology, and do the research all over again, and *they will*. This research will always be reinvented, always, forever. It cannot be permanently destroyed or forgotten.

So how do we live with each other?

“Gone,” the movie – lots of SEE characters

February 27, 2012

I haven’t been to the movies as much in the past week or two, but I did go see one tonight. I saw ‘Gone.’ I thought it was Dakota Fanning, but it’s actually Amanda Seyfried.

Of course, I started typing the characters. I found several of the main characters, including the evil villain, to be quite likeable, and I typed them as SEE. The evil villain was one of those wimpy, easily defeated guys who are only role-playing the villain so that other people can make themselves feel better by defeating him. His voice sounded exactly like John Galt from Atlas Shrugged, which made me think that John Galt might be an SEE, and that Ayn Rand might be an LIE, but that’s most likely one of my temporary ‘delusional mistypings’ which I will change my mind about later on. I often type Ayn Rand as LIE and Nathaniel Branden as EII.

The movie was so simple, so soothing, so gentle, and so easily resolved, that I would almost give the movie a ‘G’ rating and allow children to see it. It was extremely wimpy. I found the movie pleasant and I even liked the ending, although part of me hesitated whenever she did what she did to the guy in the end, and, ehh, I guess I could give a spoiler, since no one reads my blog anyway: she killed him. I’m not sure if I would have. The killing of the villain at the end was so easy to do that I would categorize it as a role-playing fantasy rather than a really elaborate movie, the same way that the Rapist Pig character was easily defeated and wimpy in The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, which I wrote about not too long ago.

The movie had a theme that I could relate to, which was: ‘Some evil person is out there doing something bad to me, and nobody believes me, and I got thrown in a mental hospital, and now he’s doing it again.’ I know all about how that feels.

These movies are really just a soothing fantasy. Somebody does something terrible, but they’re stupid about how they do it, and it’s easy to go find them and confront them, and when you do confront them, they’re wimpy and scared, and it’s easy to either convince them to stop doing it, or else to physically kill them or somehow physically stop them from doing it.

In real life, the villains are much, much, much more evil, and much smarter, and impossible to locate, and they have billions of dollars to use against you, and decades of expensive technology and tools and weapons, and they’ve corrupted the entire government and the corporations and the media and the culture and everything, and they are this huge, anonymous entity filled with thousands of employees, and you can’t even really identify who’s responsible for what. Those are the real villains.

But the movie was enjoyable, and the villain was destroyed, and a whole bunch of main characters were SEEs. Maybe I should retype the Rapist Pig as an SEE, too. I’ll think about it. I should put another edit on that blog post. It’s becoming one of my more popular posts. Anytime I write about a famous movie, and give the post a recognizable title having to do with the movie, it gets a lot of google search results. I *still*, to this day, have people googling ‘I was disappointed that you tried,’ from the movie Inception, and finding my blog. All I have to do is include key phrases and character names for google to find.

I know this blog isn’t organized

February 27, 2012

I think it’s probably easier to find old posts in this blog by using google searches than it is by using the blog’s index. I apologize for that – it’s one of the things I sort of wanted to fix, but never got around to it. I don’t like it when you have to click ‘next page’ a thousand times to find something. I never bothered to fix it because I didn’t view this blog as something that anybody would ever actually want to read. There is a difference between venting to entertain myself, versus writing for an audience, and this was nothing but a venting blog, which is why I didn’t bother making it more searchable.

eating restaurant food while thinking about arctic and antarctic food

February 27, 2012

I’m eating at Hoss’s this morning, where I can get a salad bar, because I’ve been eating very badly for weeks and drinking very large amounts of coffee and espresso at work. I have been exhausted.

I have almost enough money to finish paying off the bike, and I will probably get it in the next week or two. I don’t have anywhere to put it, so here is what I will do: I will ride the bus to the bike shop, and then, get the bike, and ride the bike to my place in the woods, and lock up the bike next to a tree. That’s where I’m going to be keeping it anyway. After I’ve got that, I’m going to start unloading stuff out of my car into the ‘tent,’ quote unquote, which looks awful and which I will probably eventually replace with something else. But for now it will hold my stuff. Then I need to clean out the car and sell it. After that, I will decide which project to do. I will probably try building a shield, but it will not be anything expensive. I will also probably work two jobs for a while.

Well, I told Rick he was supposed to be deleting any emails that I would send to him, but now I am wondering if he really is. He is supposed to do it for his own peace of mind, and for mine, so that I will not have to worry about bothering him. I warned him that I might go through a phase of trying to email him, and I told him to set up a filter that deletes them automatically.

That had an actual purpose. I was supposed to feel that I had a safe ‘outlet’ if I got the urge to write to him, where I would know that it wouldn’t bother him or make him angry. I could safely fantasize that maybe, somehow, he might read what I’ve written, while knowing that actually, he probably wasn’t reading it, and it was being completely deleted automatically, where it would never bother anyone, and I would not have to be afraid that he would retaliate or do anything else. The ‘safe outlet’ concept was why I wanted to know that he was filtering any emails I might send to him.

I am rediscovering the fact that I almost always do not like pasta. I got this Asiago shrimp pasta thing, and there is just a huge pile of noodles with shrimp in it, mixed with a sort of sticky cheese. I mean, it’s okay, but there’s just *so much pasta*. I cannot possibly eat through this entire, boring, bland, sticky pile of stuff. I am not a pasta lover, and I am not a carbohydrate craver. I have never been one of those people who desires to eat large amounts of bread, pasta, and potatoes. I am very happy to eat a meal with meat and a vegetable and maybe some kind of fruit, like berries, and no starchy foods at all, which is why I am sure I would love to eat Inuit food.

I am thinking about Arctic hunting, and now, I want to be more general, and say, not just Nunavut, but all of both polar regions, Arctic and Antarctic. I chose Nunavut for a specific reason – I got the impression that it was the least developed of all of the areas up there. Northwest Territories and Yukon have some mining and tourist industries. Nunavut has some mines, but only a couple. There is hardly any industry at all. Out of the whole area, Nunavut is the worst, the least desirable.

Anyway, I would want to do primitive bowhunting, and… honestly, I want to make my own bow, but I’m sort of ashamed to admit that, because I think I can’t do it. I don’t know how. I don’t feel confident that I could make my own bow and actually use it and have it work. My arms are short, and I’m weaker than a man, and I cannot pull a tight bowstring all the way back – I’ve tried, once, when I went to a hunting equipment store.

I was sort of hoping that maybe if I ate breakfast, I would stop thinking about Arctic hunting, but that didn’t happen. Eating pasta and vegetables is not the same as eating raw seal or whale blubber.

I was reading stories about something I googled, I forget what, and I saw a news article about some people who had gotten botulism because they had eaten from a whale that was beached and already dead. I don’t know how long it was lying there before they ate it. This just reinforces a rule that I already had: If you find something dead, and you don’t know why it’s dead, DON’T EAT IT. The same thing happened to some people who ate the liver of one of their camels that had mysteriously died: they got the Black Plague. That was why the camel had died, and they didn’t know that it had died of a disease. It was just dead and they ate it. Again, if it’s already lying there dead and you don’t know what killed it, don’t eat it. I don’t know how crows and other scavengers are able to tolerate the dead foods that they eat, but they have a different type of body than we do.

Once I’m into the tent and once I’ve got the bike, I won’t have this feeling of desperate frustration quite as badly, which is how I’ve been feeling all these weeks that I’ve had to wait for it. I won’t be doing as many manic impulses, like studying this and studying that, learning about databases, and so on. I know those projects are not sustainable yet, and I have other priorities first.

Anyway I am still thinking about primitive polar hunting. In Antarctica, they do not have herds of grazing animals on the land. In Nunavut, they still have caribou, but the caribou migrate and they don’t necessarily hunt them all year long. In Antarctica, we would have to eat nothing but seafood. If Antarctica became warmer for real, we might bring our own grazing animals there. But right now, we would eat nothing but whales and penguins and seals and fish for the entire year.

The other people who are serious about colonizing Antarctica are describing a very high-tech, expensive, infrastructure-heavy, modern approach, with things like buildings that are completely enclosed where they can grow food, or something – I didn’t read a lot about it, because my approach is the opposite – I want to know if we can live there the primitive way, as though we discovered it thousands of years ago, in the Stone Age, using only bows and arrows, using boats made of skin and whalebones and whatever else. I don’t know if there is driftwood in Antarctica, but in Nunavut, they always used driftwood. I wondered where the driftwood came from, and I googled it – it comes from Russia. I would learn how to do everything by living in the Arctic first.

We might also eat some kind of seaweed in Antarctica. I just thought of that. There are plants in the ocean.

I just remembered seeing an article about how air pollution causes heart attacks. This is probably another reason why the heart attack rate is so low in Nunavut, not merely because they eat whale blubber.

This is another reason why I want to stay away from cities and live in an extremely undeveloped area without roads. I already have chronic health problems and am vulnerable to getting sick more easily than most people seem to be, and I would be chronically depressed and exhausted in a city without negative ions in the air, with air full of car exhaust, with concrete and asphalt covering up all of the soil so that the smell of wet soil never freshens the air. I notice feeling refreshed as soon as I go up Nittany Mountain, just because it’s covered with forest, and the fresh air is created from the trees and the soil there. I don’t mean that they ‘create air,’ per se, but rather, negative ions. I guess, to some extent, the trees give off oxygen during respiration, but I’m talking about the ions that make you feel better.

I haven’t decided what I will do today. That breakfast was actually not very good, but it had bits and pieces of healthy food in it. It might have been healthier than my usual food. I couldn’t eat much of it though.

more about the hidden meanings

February 26, 2012

After I posted that, I was thinking of more examples and interpretations. ‘They’ were giving me some of their interpretations.

They said that ‘he wants to be raped’ should be reversed, should be understood as the exact opposite. They reminded me about something that used to happen in the past. Back when I was using St. John’s Wort, when I was easily enraged, I would lie in bed being tortured by the murderers, who would do things deliberately to provoke me more and more and more. Other victims have described exactly this same thing, being tortured and harassed in the stupidest, pettiest, most insane, trivial, repetitive ways, for the purpose of enraging them more and more.

Whenever this would happen, in the beginning, I would meditate and imagine something. I would imagine that I was shooting and killing the people who were torturing me. Again, that’s back when I was on drugs. Nowadays, whenever they torture and harass me, I still feel it, but I do not become enraged. The rage is caused by drugs. Oddly enough, it is *legitimate* and well-deserved rage, and it seems like I *should* feel rage, and I am *entitled* to feel rage, but in reality, I just quietly endure it when I’m off drugs. I realistically know that there are some real-world situations where rage is exactly the appropriate emotion for a person to feel, and this happens to be one of those situations, but I usually do not feel rage. I just feel endurance and helplessness and passivity, because I cannot escape the torture, and I cannot do anything to stop the people who are torturing me.

But I would see images of myself shooting and killing the attackers. And whenever I did this, they would twist it around so that they pretended they *wanted* me to go kill them, and they would taunt me, and pretend that it was exciting and fun, and it was all a big joke, and it was hilarious, and it was sexual, and ‘shoot someone’ actually wasn’t referring to a real gun, it was referring to a penis ejaculating, and they pretended that I was talking about something that was sexually exciting to the person who was being shot. They pretended that they wanted me to find them and kill them and that this was a sexual fantasy, when, in reality, I was actually murderously enraged and I wanted to be taken seriously, not viewed as a sex object. ‘You’re cute when you’re angry’ (or ‘You’re so cute when you’re surly,’ as said by the Rapist Pig on The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo) is sure to enrage someone further if they really are angry and want to be taken seriously and respected.

So, today, while I was thinking about this, ‘they’ compared the current situation of ‘Rick wants to be raped,’ which I know is not true, but ‘they’ keep mentioning this again – they said it’s analogous to how I used to feel whenever I was being attacked: Rick actually was extremely angry and wanted to be taken seriously. I actually was harassing him, and he wanted the harassment to stop. He was angry enough that he wanted to kill.

Some of the verbal symbolic things were associated with that. I forced myself to interpret these things in a general, literal way, while recognizing that they had other connotations and knowing that he was probably a puppet being forced to say something that I would interpret the wrong way. He complained about me on the forum, but then ‘jokingly’ wrote the words ‘stalker liquidator’ in part of his profile amongst his other hobbies and professions, as though this was his new profession.

I know how it feels whenever you’re a puppet. It always happens exactly like this, to me: You start ‘searching for the right words.’ It seems as though you’re struggling to remember something, like a word is on the tip of your tongue and you can’t remember it. You start sort of hypnotizing yourself, going into a slight trance, to try to look for whatever it is that you’ve forgotten, whatever you’re struggling to say.

During that moment, you are actually in the process of being attacked, but you don’t know it. They are, right then, shooting you with a beam or field or whatever of a particular frequency, and the frequency is the ‘I’ve forgotten’ sensation, or the ‘I’m trying to think of something’ sensation. Every sensation, every mental state, has a particular radio frequency which will trigger that mental state in the victim.

During your state of being slightly entranced, they will then fill your mind with a word or phrase or idea, and you will feel as though you came up with that idea yourself, but you really didn’t. To you, it will seem like a ‘joke,’ as though you don’t really mean it, as though it’s slightly funny.

The result will be something like ‘stalker liquidator,’ a phrase which reminds me of the emails in which I talked with him about the possibility of his being a sperm donor and helping me to become pregnant. The suggestion is that if I stalk him, if I go find him, he will agree to provide me with sperm.

Meanwhile, he was, at the same time, complaining about my behavior, asking for help from other forum members, talking about how angry he was, and taking seriously people’s recommendations that he should call the police. He told me very firmly several different times, in email and in the forum, that he never wanted to speak to me ever again, and that he would call the police if I attempted to communicate with him or see him in person.

Because of this, I recognized that ‘stalker liquidator’ was very likely to be a puppet phrase that he was forced to say. He would have been ‘joking’ when he wrote it, and he would have believed that he was ‘angry’ and that ‘liquidate’ actually meant to destroy someone or to get revenge on someone or to pay someone back for what they did to you. He would have believed that he meant the word one way, but ‘they’ knew that I was going to interpret it another way and be led to believe ‘there’s still hope, he’s secretly suggesting that I should go try and find him.’

I am already familiar with this phenomenon and I have trained myself to constantly fight against it when it happens. I know that I must re-program myself over and over again, after ‘they’ destroy my realistic point of view and replace it with a delusional belief, over and over and over again, day after day.

Then after that, in one of his blogs, he used the phrase ‘liquidation of rats is extremely difficult,’ or something similar to that. After that, the voices in my head starting calling me the ‘rat’ because ‘liquidation’ was supposed to be associated with me. But he was using it in a context where it clearly meant destruction, killing. ‘Liquidate’ is an infrequently used, uncommon word, and it’s strange and unexpected when I see a word like that, so it draws attention to itself. It stands out among the other words. It is not a normal word. Whenever something seems unusual or attention-getting, ‘they’ try to put some kind of hidden meaning into it, some special significance.

It reminds me of a moment in ‘The Matrix.’ There was a scene in The Matrix where a homeless guy is sitting in the subway and he sees Trinity and Neo using the telephone, and Trinity goes into the phone and disappears. The guy is (understandably) extremely shocked and surprised to see something so unusual. He doesn’t say anything, he just watches, and his mouth drops open in surprise. But even though he didn’t even say anything, one of the agents ‘overheard’ his emotion of shock and surprise at the sight of something impossible and unusual. ‘Something really weird is happening’ is a particular emotional state, the state of bizarreness, fear, unfamiliarity, etc. They detected that state, and so, one of the agents ‘took over’ the homeless guy and took control of him, because they knew that he have witness Neo and Trinity as they were trying to escape.

I have something similar happen in my head whenever I see words or ideas that are shocking or unexpected or unfamiliar. It’s as though ‘they,’ the people controlling me, don’t want me to witness anything strange, surprising, unfamiliar, or unexpected, because that would shake me out of my stupor and make me realize that this isn’t all there is to life. That might cause me to liberate myself, to take action, to do something, to become aware of things that they don’t want me to know about, to have renewed hope and renewed energy, to try new things.

Whenever I am surprised at the sight of any unfamiliar concepts or ways of looking at things, ‘they’ take over instantly and try to twist it into something that they can control and use to their advantage.

For whatever reason, they forced me to google ‘socionics’ and find Rick, but then, they forced me to destroy any hope of a relationship with him. They wanted me to gain something from interacting with him, but not gain *enough*. It’s just like The Adjustment Bureau. They wanted to force these two people to meet each other, but then separate them afterwards, so that they would influence each other but still be controlled, and the influence would help increase the power of this guy who was going to become a famous politician (in Adjustment Bureau). In my situation, they wanted to make me do things that only someone like Rick could inspire me to do, but at the same time, continue starving me and preventing me from interacting with my duals, prevent me from real bonding with anyone, prevent me from getting what I need from anyone. So they totally destroyed everything and made it so that Rick loathed me and was furiously angry and would never speak to me again, so that I would continue to wander around struggling to find the things I need, while still being controlled and forced to go in the particular directions they wanted me to go.

There were several other ‘hidden meanings’ incidents that I wanted to mention, but my fingers are getting cold, and I could type inside my sleeping bag if I had to, but that’s difficult to do, and I don’t really feel like trying. I might just add more examples later.

The very first incident that I ever noticed with Rick was a blog titled ‘Speak Russian/Ukrainian Now or Forever Hold Your Peace.’ He wrote that blog during a time when I was commenting to him and emailing him. I immediately interpreted it to be directed at me. ‘Speak now or forever hold your peace’ is what they say during a wedding if you object to these people getting married, and I interpreted it as referring to my objection to his marriage, that I myself wanted to marry him instead, that I should say something. But he wants me to speak his language.

However, I rejected this interpretation instantly, as I have learned after so many years of being manipulated by puppets, and after so much experience of myself being a puppet who is forced to say things. I decided that he was being controlled whenever he made this ‘joke.’ He said in the first few lines of the blog that it was a sort of ‘tongue in cheek’ blog concept, that it was a ‘joke,’ and that’s exactly the mind-state that I always go into whenever I am being forced to say something – they always force me to make a joke, or a semi-joke, about something. In reality, he would probably be shocked and annoyed to discover that I was interpreting his blog title as something directed at me – I can picture it – and the reason I say this is because he has, literally, *thousands* of people who visit his Ukraine website *every day*, and he receives a large number of emails from lots of different people, and comments and other messages, and I am just another one of those thousands of people – why would he intentionally direct something at me? I am one person out of a thousand, some total random stranger on the other side of the planet – he’s not writing things for me.

This is what I have to tell myself, over and over again, even though every single day of my life I find that the mind-controllers have planted and replanted delusions and interpretations and hidden meanings into my head over and over and over and over again, every single day, with the intention of making me do things that they want to force me to do. And apparently they find it amusing to force me to spend a large amount of money to take a plane to Europe and go find Rick’s address and go try to talk to him only to see this look of disgust and anger on his face whenever he figures out who I am, or only to see him shut the door (literally) as soon as he sees who I am. I can imagine this actually happening, and apparently, ‘they’ find it entertaining to cause me to go and experience terrible grief and hurt and humiliation and rejection.

I know from experience that real people do behave this way. I have known people who rejected me personally and blocked me out of their lives and called the police on me and feared me and loathed me as an evil, crazy person. People can be extremely unkind and extremely judgmental. I myself believe that I am a good, sane, innocent person, but there are people out there who believe that I am disgusting, crazy, mentally ill, creepy, weird, etc. – any negative label you can imagine.

I take Rick seriously when he says that that’s how he feels about me. He has said it very firmly several different times and different ways. So when I see these ‘hidden messages’ that contradict his explicit rejection, I fight to reinterpret them, over and over again, while being forced by the mind-controllers repeatedly to believe ‘No, there’s still hope! Rick loves me! Rick wants to see me! Rick wants to have children with me!’ and so on. When they force me to believe those things, I *do* believe them, because I cannot help being controlled. I can’t block them out. But I fight them as much as I can, a million times a day, every day of my life – even now, this very instant, as I write, half-believing that Rick really is out there waiting for me to arrive, hoping that he will see me and meet me, hoping that I will marry him, and me, half-believing the opposite, that he is going about his own business, which has nothing at all to do with me, falling in love with somebody he met in Georgia, enjoying his socializing with his language study groups, and whatever else he does all day long, on the other side of the world, in a faraway place, with people who are much closer and much more real to him than I am, much more important to him than I am. I fight this battle to understand what’s really going on, while being constantly attacked by murderers using electronic weapons that are designed to prevent my brain from doing its job.

When I am drug-free and clean, when I’m no longer drinking coffee, when I’m no longer exposed to drug residues, it will become extremely difficult for them to motivate me to do anything delusional at all. I will become much more realistic, and, regrettably, less intelligent – but that is the price I pay to be healthy. I sacrifice the added intelligence that drugs give me, because the dangers of drugs make it not worthwhile.

Maybe I will write more examples some other time when I am not so uncomfortable and cold. It’s getting warmer outside lately, but it’s still cold enough that my fingers are stiff and cold while I’m sitting here in my car. I’m in my sleeping bag, and the rest of my body is warm, but my hands have to be out so that I can type.

(But I did it, I made it through the winter, and the winter is almost over, and I always found out that all I have to do is add more layers, more and more until I become warm, and that’s all I need. I’m going to get my merit badge for Winter Camping In The Car.)

symbols and euphemisms

February 26, 2012

I had said that the bike shop guy looked sad when he went through the drive-thru the other day. A couple of things have happened in our series of interactions.

I have only seen him a few times. The first time was when I got rid of my previous bike, and I visually identified him as a Rick lookalike, and when I talked to him, I noticed that he talked like an IEE too, but I would need further interactions to be sure, because I always make mistakes. The next time I saw him, I had gone into the bike shop to buy my new bike, and I made eye contact but didn’t speak because he was busy with other people.

The next time, he went through drive-thru, I recognized him, mentioned that I remembered him from the bike shop, and told him that I’m going to try switching over to riding only a bike and not using my car and I hope it goes well, and that was all the conversation we had time for. He didn’t have much time to respond, but I felt a sensation of sudden, intense anxiety. It was very intense. I took it to mean ‘Stop.’

The next time he went through the drive-thru, he said ‘Hi, how are you?’ (which is a greeting that I absolutely hate, and I usually respond by saying ‘Oh, pretty good,’ or something, but I usually refuse to ask them how THEY are doing, unless I’m on drugs, in which case, I reply, ‘Pretty good, how are you?’ – but almost always, I stubbornly refuse to ask them how they are in return.) So I asked him how he was, and he said he was good. And we did all of this in a cold and formal way, politely, but I did not make conversation, and we were in a hurry, and there was a line. I clearly, strongly remembered the very intense anxiety from the last time I had spoken to him, and so I wanted to act like I didn’t really know him, because I had jumped in to being overly informal and overly friendly as though I knew him, because I VI’d him as a Rick lookalike and believed him to be an IEE, so I started talking casually to him as though I had known him all my life. I stopped doing that, and instead treated him politely as just another guy, almost a stranger.

Then a few days ago I saw him at the front counter, but he didn’t see me, and someone else was helping him.

Then the other day he went through the drive-thru again, and I clearly felt sadness whenever we greeted each other, and I did not make conversation. All that I can say is that he looked sad, and it bothered me that he looked sad, and I wanted to do something about it.

I’m not ‘clean’ yet, and all of my behavior is unsustainable, *especially* in the realm of starting relationships. Normally I would be cold, indifferent, insensitive, and ruthless. I would just forget about it. But while I am still influenced by drugs and mind control, I feel this attachment to this person and a desire to make him feel better – and ‘they’ might urge me to try something, when normally, I would take no proactive actions at all, and be completely passive. I’m thinking about this because I will go to the bike store to finish paying off the bike soon, and it’s inevitable that if we are standing there in a non-hurried, non-busy environment, I will briefly chitchat with him, although I won’t if there are crowds of people there or if he needs to go help another customer.

From his point of view, it’s like ‘Why is this woman being overly friendly with me when she doesn’t even know me?’ I only know that I felt intense anxiety as though I had done something wrong, and it occurred to me that he might think I was judging him for using a car, or something, I don’t know, but I only know that the intense anxiety told me to ‘stop,’ and so I became afraid to be friendly with him.

Another question is, do we have two-way polyamory? What if I accidentally collect other boyfriends before I even get a chance to meet Rick? I am already seeing the ‘hierarchy’ that develops at McDonald’s anytime I’m in the same room with several different guys who I have, or had, crushes on, or am friends with, or who have bonded with me in some way. I don’t have enough time to describe all the nuances of this social hierarchy today, though, not yet. I can see it, though. It bothers me, because, if I had my way, I would be physically affectionate with all of the people I like – I would touch everybody, hug everybody, put my arms around people. It wouldn’t necessarily be sexual. But instead I have to refrain from touching anybody at all, and I have to refrain from accidentally ‘encouraging’ people or ‘leading people on’ whenever I am not serious about having a permanent relationship with them. This won’t be such a problem when I get cleaned up, but it is a problem now.

The same thing used to happen when I was collecting stray cats when I lived with / visited my ex-boyfriend. There were four cats, and they had a hierarchy, and Alexander was my favorite, which made me feel guilty because the other cats loved me and I wanted to give them equal attention.

***********
I’m on my lunch break. I am very, very exhausted today, and it’s almost impossible to work. I just need to sleep a lot. I seem to be a little bit sick.

+Ni is part of my dual-seeking function. Yes, I do believe that the plus and minus model is an essential core of the model, and not just some unimportant esoteric add-on. I believe it’s much harder to understand socionics without it.

As I was saying, +Ni is part of my dual-seeking function. This function was used against me whenever the electronic harassment and computer harassment first began. My brain is programmed to pay close attention to ‘secret messages’ that seem to come from people, anything that seems like it’s directed at me, anything that seems like it’s an ‘inside joke,’ anything that only particular people could know about.

I was getting spam letters that contained this sort of information. They would contain references to things that I had been doing and saying inside the privacy of my house. They would contain images that looked exactly like things I had been doing, but which were not actually pictures of me myself.

Most electronic harassment victims say that the people around them are all spying on them, that everybody’s in on it, that nobody can be trusted. They believe that large groups of people are openly stalking them and openly harassing them on the streets.

I have a different interpretation. I believe that if they see somebody doing some kind of ‘secret message,’ if somebody says ‘I know what you ate for breakfast’ or something, if somebody makes a special gesture or posture that means something to you, it’s very likely that it is happening totally by accident, or else they themselves were a puppet and they were forced to do that or say that.

This rule is for my own safety. I always assume that they didn’t intentionally do, or say, whatever it was that seemed directed at me, because I could potentially get angry at them and say ‘YOU’RE THE ONE WHO’S BEEN SPYING ON ME!’ and attack them. In the beginning, I was trying and trying to ‘figure out’ who it was that was spying on me, and I believed it was somebody nearby, like a neighbor or coworker. I was furious and enraged about the constant harassment, and also, I was on drugs, which greatly intensify rage.

And also, I got thrown into a mental hospital and convicted of harassment. I was writing letters to somebody while I was having one of my breakdowns, and he reported me to the police. At one time, I believed that person was spying on me and hacking the computers where I worked, because he did things that seemed to convey ‘secret messages’ to me while we were at work. I’d be writing about something on my computer, and then he would mention whatever I had just written, a few minutes later.

At that time, I did not know about mind control. And if I did, I would have though that people had to have an ‘implant’ of some kind. I know now that everybody, everywhere, can be controlled, without implants. Everybody can be forced to say something or do something without intending to. But I didn’t know that back then. Back then, I concluded that this guy had to be the one who was harassing me and spying on me.

In reality, he might or might not have been hacking the computer. I also learned that hacking is *extremely commonplace*. It’s something which is so commonplace that you can just automatically assume that every single computer that connects to the internet is already hacked. But I didn’t know that back then, either, and I thought hacking was rare and unusual.

So, back then, I wrongly drew the conclusion that this guy was THE ONLY hacker in my computer harassing me. In reality, there are probably about 100 hackers in my computer. I don’t know, I’m joking, I have no idea how many, but lots.

I had been on drugs, and I had been angry and enraged, and I was desperately trying to protect myself against the constant harassment. It happened every day, everywhere, on every computer I used.

After I got thrown in the mental hospital, and they threatened to force-drug me with Haldol, an extremely toxic drug which was totally unnecessary. Haldol causes permanent, debilitating side effects that continue even after you quit the drug. It poisons your body forever and damages you forever, and you cannot recover.

Basically, I interpreted that as a threat against my life. For all practical purposes, the mental hospital told me, ‘If you do this again, we will kill you.’ They never said that in so many words. But I knew that next time I might not be so lucky – I knew that they might force-drug me even if I refused. I was lucky the first time – when I said ‘No,’ they listened to me. They didn’t have to listen to me. Other victims get force-drugged.

They probably listened to me because I was very, very calm, very quiet, very polite, and acting like a perfectly normal person instead of shouting and ranting. I was able to sit still and I was able to communicate clearly. It looked like nothing was wrong with me. I did not seem like a violent or dangerous person – and I’m not.

But after that, that’s when I made a rule, to protect myself so that wouldn’t ever happen again. I didn’t want to accidentally read secret messages that weren’t really there. I didn’t want to develop the delusional belief that a particular person was spying on me or harassing me, when in fact they were not. So I made sure that if I ever saw any kind of ‘hidden messages’ (+Ni, my dual-seeking function), which my brain is actually instinctively programmed to look for and to be attuned to, then I must force myself to look for alternative explanations for why somebody might have said that. They were forced to say it, they were a puppet, they didn’t know what it meant to me, it wasn’t directed at me, it was an accident, it was meant in a general way. This was a very strict rule that I had to follow. Basically I had to shut off my dual-seeking function (now that I know about the existence of +Ni in the Delta Quadra, and how it’s the other half of my dual’s base function).

(Actually, people might not be ‘instinctively programmed’ to look for their dual-seeking functions. Maybe it requires learning.)

The mind controllers have used this function with me all the time, for years, as a way to control me. They say words and phrases in my head which are symbols that only I can understand, because they referred to some previous event that had happened, or something I had written, or whatever.

After I wrote about the ‘Agent Smith’ comment, I had a ‘dream’ where I saw ‘Rick’ (who didn’t look like himself) standing in the bathroom across the hall from my bedroom in West Virginia while I was lying in bed, and he was wearing a gold and silver suit. All of that was symbolic. I had been explaining (to ‘them,’ the voices) that I use ‘lying in bed’ as a sort of euphemism for ‘reclining in the front seat of my car, in a sleeping bag, with the intention of falling asleep.’ I just say ‘lying in bed.’ I’m not really in a bed. I also say ‘I want to go home’ whenever I’m at work, but I don’t have a home. It just means, I want to go to my car, and go to the Wal-Mart parking lot, or, I want my freedom, I want to leave this building and go wherever I feel like going, instead of working. But I am not actually going home. And when I have to ‘go to the bathroom,’ it means that actually I am hiding under a blanket or something, while peeing in a cup, in the front seat of my car. So all three of those euphemisms were combined in the dream – lying in bed, at home, bathroom.

I didn’t figure out what the suit meant, exactly. Agent Smith wears a suit. Rick is wearing a suit in one of his photos. I had been talking about gold and silver recently. ‘Gold’ was used, in the past, but not recently, by the voices, in an annoying and harassing way, to refer to urine, whenever I needed to go to the bathroom (or, urinate). ‘They’ said maybe that meant that I was peeing on his suit, or something, which meant that I had claimed this territory, and it also referred to the ‘I am a rapist pig’ tattoo from the movie, claiming someone and also ruining their reputation at the same time – the ‘suit’ represents ‘having a good reputation’ or ‘being socially respectable.’

Anyway, ‘they’ keep suggesting that I am supposed to ‘rape’ him in some way; however, to actually rape someone violently would *not* be a normal thing for me to do. I am an extremely peaceful person.

I’ll have to go read Dan Savage again, I guess. I haven’t gone to TheOnion website in years.

I have to go punch in again. My break is over.

+Ni and -Ni

February 26, 2012

7:35 AM 2/26/2012

I’m really far away from the wifi, but sometimes, if I’m lucky, I can send it from here, but usually only at nighttime. I’ll try it now but it might not go. I don’t want to get out of my sleeping bag to drive the car closer.

-Ni: A symbol or phrase is meaningful to an entire group of people. Everyone recognizes the symbols for a particular corporation, political party, etc. Everyone recognizes the accepted meaning of a particular word.

+Ni: Something is meaningful to one particular person. The plus sign means that it’s ‘local’ or ‘individual’ Ni, not ‘global.’ Only one person in the room gets the joke. You had to be there. For those who have ears to hear.

Have fun reading the bible and looking for this sort of thing. I haven’t read much of the bible at all, just bits and pieces over the years. One time I was googling the word ‘electrum’ (a gold/silver/copper mix) and I read about some bible quote that mentioned the word electrum – I think it said the sky was the color of electrum, or something – and I was entertained by the description of someone being told to swallow a scroll and then go out and give this message to the people. I wouldn’t even be talking about this if I weren’t manic, but, it was clear that a scroll was not just a scroll in this particular bible quote. And, loaves of bread are not just loaves of bread. I get the impression that the purpose of some parts of the bible is to help homosexual men find other homosexual men by saying things that only they would understand.

So that is what I think +Ni is, symbols that are understood by one particular person but not necessarily by everyone. One person understands it, because they were there when something happened, or a previous conversation between them referred to this, or they have some other piece of knowledge relevant to it.

Nope, this morning it just means something general.

February 25, 2012

I looked at it again and it feels different this morning. This morning it means ‘It’s great to have so many people coming to this group, but at the same time, it makes things difficult when there are so many people.’ The meaning has changed. Diana Leafe Christian said the same thing about intentional communities. They might struggle to find anyone at all, at first, but then they might get flooded with so many people that they can’t process all of them. Or a new business that doesn’t have any customers, and then suddenly has so many that it can’t serve all of them. That’s how I’m seeing it this morning.

No, that doesn’t mean that I’m no longer manic – I am definitely in one of my moods today. It just means that when I look at these things several times, they don’t shock me as much as they did the first time I saw them, and they no longer seem to be directed at me. After seeing them a couple times, I am more likely to interpret it as either a completely innocent statement or else a forced puppet phrase that ‘they’ gave him the urge to say.

We are two strangers across the globe; we don’t know each other; we don’t have feelings for each other. I have been focused upon this person in order to achieve a goal, to negotiate something, to make some kind of arrangement. But what might happen in reality is that I might just go see what the world is like over there, and then go home, back here, or to Nunavut, or Tibet, or Ireland, or India, or any of a million other places, and I will want to go to the white spaces on the map, not the red spaces. http://earthtrends.wri.org/pdf_library/maps/4_m_Globalpopdens.pdf. All of Europe is red. In the red zones, people stop wanting to have children. In the white zones, they still want to have twenty of them. Maybe I would go back and forth between those types of places.

If I went to him, I would do it for the experience of going there, and not because of actually expecting anything from him at all. I would probably just leave afterwards. I don’t know. I would have to think about it after it happened because I don’t know how I will feel or what my priorities will be.

smith

February 25, 2012

This was one of those times when I hear voices and they say something really funny. I was lying in bed and they said ‘Smith, Agent Smith,’ (from The Matrix), and I just started laughing and laughing.

I’m not sure I understand that translation, but it sounds rather cocky.

February 24, 2012

And it also makes it sound like my theory was correct about why socionics is awesome. But I don’t really understand the meaning of the joke, probably because it was machine translated.

On that note, today I discovered that the Rick twin from the bike shop is also named Richard, oddly enough. I saw his credit card when he went through the drive-thru at McD. He looked sad today. So I have the bike twin, and the bookstore twin, and the original, which I guess means that I have three husbands.

You know, that really did sound very cocky for him to say that. I need a better translation.

thinking about a SQLite database file with a record of gold and silver coins I’ve purchased

February 24, 2012

1:44 PM 2/24/2012

I have to get ready for work in a few minutes.

I’m having a manic episode which has continued for the past few weeks. It’s been worse in the past few days. I won’t go into all the details of what triggered it. I only know that when I get out of the car, I’ll have a much better ability to get rid of anything contaminated, and in fact, nothing will be contaminated anymore, except for the small amounts of residues that I get from public places or from visiting people who smoke, and that kind of thing.

In the past day or so ‘they’ were talking to me about gold and silver ratios. I believe it’s good to keep both gold and silver, but you can sometimes exchange them for each other. And you must measure your so-called ‘profits’ in terms of gold and silver. And it’s helpful to know the ratios between those metals and other things like food or other commodities. You should also know the ratio of the dollar to those commodities, how much food a dollar will buy, how much rent a dollar will buy, how much gas a dollar will buy, etc. You aren’t ‘profiting’ if you get a bunch of dollars that aren’t able to buy as much as they used to be able to buy. You have to know how much they used to be able to buy, and compare it to how much they can buy now.

‘Profits’ become meaningless when the value of the dollar is shrinking due to inflation. You don’t sell gold and ‘make a profit’ because the gold is now selling at $2000 and you originally bought the gold at $500. Instead, that’s just a loss of purchasing power of the dollar. Your $2000 will buy as much gasoline, or food, or whatever, as $500 used to buy in the past, because the price of all those things has gone up too.

So, in order to interpret the meaning of ‘profit,’ in order to decide when it *really is* profitable to buy or sell something, I would need a lot of data, such as the ratios of the prices of various things at various dates. I’ve thought about this in the past, and said I wanted a spreadsheet that would keep track of it all. Now I know that what I really want is a database. It can do more than a spreadsheet can do.

So ‘they’ were talking to me this morning about how you exchange gold and silver for each other, but make sure that you always keep one or the other, and don’t keep your money in dollars. That was the concept. In reality, I might decide that there are situations where you should keep dollars. I was just focused on the idea of exchanging gold and silver for each other, and measuring gold in terms of silver, and silver in terms of gold.

I would keep a database, an inventory, of all the pieces of gold or silver that I had bought. I would not just have one ‘total amount.’ No, there would be a *lot* more detail. Each individual coin would have a record of the date when I purchased it, where I purchased it, how much it cost in dollars, who I bought it from, how much other coins had cost from that seller, and some more info that I’m not sure of yet. I would want to compare it to the prices of other things from the time when I had bought it in the past. Then I would compare those ratios to the ratios in the present. Using this information I would somehow decide whether it was profitable to sell it or not, but I’m not sure exactly how I would do that. I would sell it and then immediately buy the other type of metal, like, I would sell silver and buy a piece of gold, or I would sell a piece of gold and buy silver.

This would work best with a database. Each item would be a record in a table. There would be several tables. Maybe there would be a ‘types of coins’ table, listing all the types of coins that I was buying, if I were usually buying the same kinds. That list of coin types would have attributes such as the melt value of those coins, the amount in ounces of silver, the alloy it was made of, like if it was one of those mixtures of copper and silver or something, and some more information about each type of coin. Then that information would be used with the other tables.

The goal is to actually make a profit, for real, measured in terms of gold and silver. The result is that in the end, I have more gold and silver than I had to begin with. I would do this merely by buying and selling coins. It would take years and years and years. I would have to simply use money out of my paycheck to get started, because there wouldn’t be any self-sustaining profits in the beginning. But later on, I would be able to sell coins, and then use the money from the sale to go out and buy a different kind of coin which was a better deal. And it might not even be a gold/silver exchange. I might even exchange one particular type of silver coin for another particular type of silver coin, as long as the result was more profitable than what I started with.

I strongly avoid collecting coins that have ‘numismatic value.’ A ‘special’ coin, such as ‘the coin found in the pocket of such-and-such celebrity on the day he died’ and whatever, you know, a coin that has some special meaning somehow, a coin that was minted in a particular year, a coin that was special because it had something strange about it – I don’t ever buy any of those. Instead, I buy coins that are close to ‘melt value,’ the value of the silver or gold itself – bullion coins.

However, I might someday decide to trade numismatic coins, but I don’t want to right now. I don’t like them because there could be difference of opinion about how much they are worth. You could lose a lot of money buying something that was really expensive, only to find that everybody else on earth thinks it’s garbage. But ‘melt value’ is an agreed-upon number (sort of, although it’s not as straightforward as I would like).

Yes, the value of gold and silver is manipulated. I realize that. I would simply be trying to make a profit by trading coins. Even if the value of the metals suddenly dropped drastically, I wouldn’t be losing, because all of my collection would be in the form of gold and silver coins, I measure all my profits in terms of gold and silver coins, I trade gold for silver and silver for gold, and the goal is to increase the sheer number of gold and silver coins, regardless of what the ‘dollar value’ is.

This is based on a belief that precious metals are not capable of completely losing all value, unlike paper, for instance, stocks and bonds. It’s possible to default, or for the price of something to crash, leaving you with nothing but a piece of paper. Gold and silver will still have value, even if the manipulated official price someday declares that gold and silver are worthless – it could happen. You could buy a piece of gold at $3000, and then the ‘price,’ quote unquote, collapses back down to $2000 the next day, and you say ‘Oh my god! I just “lost” $1000!’ But that would be the moment when you sell a bunch of silver, and use that money to buy some more gold. You feel confident that nothing is really ‘losing value’ in that way. The sheer number of coins in your safe hasn’t changed.

It’s more complicated than that, which is the reason why I would want to keep track of a whole bunch of ratios and other data in a database, and keep an individual record of each and every coin in the inventory.

So, today, the unsustainable manic project was for me to download SQLite, a database, and start learning how to use it. I don’t know if I will be able to continue this project once I’m clean and no longer reacting to drug residues.

I’ve had to struggle to remember a lot of computer knowledge from years ago. I’ve gone through phases (always drug-induced) when I would learn a lot about computers, and then abandon the project.

So I was using some of that knowledge as I struggled to simply start the program. I have enough of a background in computers to know that it’s possible to have a program on your hard drive, but not know how to run it. You can’t always just click a shortcut on the desktop to start a program. You might have to go to DOS and tell it to run the program. So I was fooling around finding out ways to start this program. And I actually was able to just double-click the program icon, but I needed to try running it from DOS because, it’s hard to explain – I was trying to create a new file while starting the program, and I had to do that by typing the program name followed by the name of the file I wanted to create. I know this isn’t the *only* way to create a new database, but it was the only way I could figure out today. So every time I want to create a new database, I have to start a new instance of the SQLite program.

(OMG, I can use ‘CAPS LOCK’ without being notified anymore! I googled to find out how to shut off that horribly annoying caps lock notification, CAPSLKNOTIFY.exe, which always used to bump me out of whatever program I was in, so that if I were typing in Notepad, I would suddenly be outside of notepad, typing on the desktop, or typing in the twilight zone, instead of in Notepad. I swear, I think that program was designed to prevent people from writing in all caps in forums and other places, because it just totally stops you from writing if you press caps lock, and it’s like it’s telling you ‘Think Again’ or ‘Reconsider what you are about to say.’ You tried to write something in all caps, only to discover that you were bumped out of the program you were in, and none of what you wrote ever appeared – that’s if you’re a typer who is looking down at the keyboard while you type instead of looking at the screen, so you wouldn’t notice for several minutes if your letters didn’t appear. The net effect is that it simply destroys everything you attempted to type while in caps lock.).

I enjoyed learning SQL more than I enjoyed learning CSS. I don’t like decorating a web page with different colors, and things like that, although I would use it in minimalistic ways to make things easier and better, and it’s not always bad. But I just wasn’t all that interested in CSS. Now that I’ve skimmed it a bit, I will recognize it in the future, and I’ll know where to go if I need it.

But learning how to use a database is different. With SQLite, all I have is this command line, nothing else. I don’t have a big program with buttons and menus in it, like I did whenever I took tutorials teaching me how to use the Access Database years ago. So, I can’t spend hours fooling around pressing the various buttons, right-clicking to see what’s on the menus, pressing this and pressing that to see what happens, finding a paintbrush that lets me color the entire column blue or red, finding a way to make pictures and graphs, and so on. Exploring the program itself takes up all your time and you get nothing done.

With this little green-screen command line (it’s actually black and gray, but… ‘green screen’ universally means ‘minimalistic command-line text-only style’ even if it isn’t green), I can’t fool around. I can’t explore. I have to focus on one narrow little limited thing, and in order to do anything at all, I have to manually type it in, word by word, letter by letter, with perfect spelling so that I don’t get syntax errors. I did a huge facepalm with laughing/sobbing because I tried over and over again to open a file, only to finally discover that I was typing ‘100’ instead of ‘1000’ at the end of the folder name. Strangely enough, I *like* that kind of environment. I *like* it if the slightest spelling error will totally ruin whatever you are trying to do. No, I don’t enjoy making spelling errors as such, and I don’t enjoy ruining things that I’m trying to do. I just enjoy having to carefully focus on everything, and I enjoy having to know the exact syntax of every command in detail, with every symbol and every word. I love handcrafting all of it from scratch. It’s like knitting my own sweater. Knitting is a lot like computer programming.

Well, I have to get ready for work.

So, during this particular moment of unsustainable mania, the hot new topic is SQLite. And I’d like to create a coin inventory with the price ratios so that I can decide (in the future) when to buy and sell profitably. It would take years and years and years before I could do much with that, but it would eventually be worthwhile. This manic impulse will probably fade away whenever I get cleaned off and back to myself. I wish I could persist with some of these ideas until they became profitable.

I’m reading “My life with the Eskimo – Vilhjálmur Stefánsson, Rudolph Martin Anderson”

February 23, 2012

It’s here: http://books.google.com/ebooks/reader?id=hAgTAAAAYAAJ&printsec=frontcover&output=reader&pg=GBS.PA10 – I’m not sure if that link will work, but it doesn’t matter, I’ll try it anyway. It appears in a tiny little pane in the window for some reason, and it’s hard to read.

I was laughing at this: “Sometimes these fires start no one knows how; sometimes people know and do not tell and sometimes they are started intentionally by Indians, who consider that the hunting is made better by clearing the land so that they can see the game from greater distances. To do this is as shortsighted a policy for the Indian as it is for the government to allow its being done. True, there are forest rangers, but these I suppose exist to fulfill the letter of some law and to draw a salary. There is one who plies over two hundred and fifty miles from Athabasca Landing to Fort MacMurray, and another a somewhat shorter distance from Fort MacMurray to Smith Landing. But even he who has the shorter beat makes but three trips a year and these are perfunctory. One of these rangers was a fellow passenger with us and did exactly as we did, — sat in his boat and lazily watched the flames as we drifted down the river. No doubt he reported the occurrence and presumably it was somewhere tabulated, to become a part of a useful body of statistics.”

The author is an ethnologist, and so, ‘ethnologist’ is now one of the keywords for ‘the type of people I like.’

The boat had a hole in it or ran aground or something, and he said he didn’t understand how the other guys had fixed it. He said he himself was ‘a student of men and their works,’ and he brought along a companion who would help with documenting the wildlife there and help him in general. He went ‘couchsurfing,’ just going up there and asking people to invite him into their homes, and he ate their kind of food and wore their kind of clothing and did what they did. I don’t know how long this book is, but I probably won’t be able to read much of it tonight.

schools

February 22, 2012

4:14 PM 2/22/2012 (I’m on lunch break.)

I had just gotten to work and had been here for a few minutes when I heard an ad on the radio. It was an ad for CPI, the vocational school. I listened closely and I remembered that, many times, I’ve wanted to take classes there.

I actually did take an online class several years ago, but it happened during a time in my life when everything was chaos – I was being evicted from my apartment, working two jobs, and temporarily living with my ex-boyfriend. I was having trouble paying the bills and paying the rent on time. My employment had been unstable but I can’t remember why – maybe it was because I was only working for the temp agencies, and wasn’t getting enough assignments, or maybe I had been fired from one of my jobs, or I had quit, or I had had one of my long-lasting illnesses during the time whenever I didn’t yet know what was causing me to always be sick and exhausted.

It was also during the time period when I hadn’t yet figured out once and for all that it just doesn’t work to try to have only a temp job and nothing but that, because you can’t usually get another assignment very quickly after it ends. Or I would get an offer to do a job that I wasn’t willing to do, usually something like a secretary job where I was supposed to answer the phone and be friendly to customers. I might be able to be friendly enough, but I wasn’t willing to change my physical appearance to make me look pretty. I didn’t have dreadlocks back then, but I did still have a mustache during most of that time period. So there were some jobs I felt uncomfortable doing, and I would say no if they offered me a secretary job. Anyway, I figured out that it’s necessary to always have two jobs, and one of them has to be a permanent job instead of a temp job.

Because of all that chaos, I only skimmed through the online class, and I passed it, but only because it was very easy and open-book. I never had a chance to take the real test that I wanted to prepare for, the A+ certification. I thought that being a computer technician was a realistic job for me.

Anyway, when this radio ad played today, I started thinking about CPI, about wanting to go there, and then ‘they’ suggested that maybe I could go there to see if I could play the violin there, and then they suggested that I could play the violin at a local school, like a high school or middle school instead of the college. Strangely enough, I hadn’t thought of that. An ordinary school hadn’t occurred to me. I had sort of forgotten that schools existed. But yes, they might have a place where I could play the violin, although it would probably be in the evenings when I’m working. But I might look into it anyway.

I had been feeling frustrated at not being able to quickly and easily find a room that I could play in. And I might do it outdoors, except it is still too cold.

I was remembering the time when I was studying German. I took Spanish in high school and never studied it again. I took some German in college because I was required to take a language class. I was interested in German, but I forget why. Sometime later, after college, I read a translation of Rainer Maria Rilke (I forget how to spell his first name), and decided I wanted to read German so I could see the originals.

I bought a thing with books and CDs from Barnes & Noble. I sat in the blue recliner. I did this for a little while, and then one day, I got poison ivy all over the recliner after getting it on me outside. I stopped sitting in the recliner for a while, which caused me to stop studying German, because I didn’t have anywhere else to sit that was ergonomic for studying. I didn’t really have chairs and tables at some point in the past. I’ve only gotten folding card tables and folding chairs, and for a while, I had nothing at all, just the recliner and my mattress.

So I had to shampoo the recliner, and it did get rid of the poison ivy. But I never took up studying German again after that. My life went to chaos, but I don’t recall how. My life has been in a state of near constant chaos for over a decade now, perhaps the past fifteen years, one disaster after another, and so I haven’t been able to study the things I want to study. I’ve sincerely tried, several times, to study various things, to make my life better, to try to get a better job, or for my own interests like reading Rilke in German.

Poison ivy seems like such a trivial thing now, after I’ve experienced ephedra poisoning and chronic exposure to St. John’s Wort and other stuff. Poison ivy actually washes off and goes away. It doesn’t cause any psychological symptoms, just an annoying itch. It’s inconceivable for me to imagine an herbal oil that actually goes away when you wash it, but poison ivy gets reduced enough that it stops causing symptoms. Poison ivy is nothing.

I’m going to be constantly covered with poison ivy when I live in the tent. I got it on me the other day, and I washed my pants because of it. But, as I said, this is a mere nuisance compared to the horrors I have been through.

I forgot to mention that plastic dental fillings worsen the stuffiness of your nose when you have a cold.

February 22, 2012

Whenever I got the plastic dental fillings put in a couple years ago, that side of my face became permanently swollen, while the other side was still relatively normal. And the nose on that side became stuffier, and it was worst on that side when I got a cold. My eye on that side gets swollen shut worse than the eye on the left side, and this all started when I got the plastic dental fillings.

I have fewer cavities than other people do, and so that might be one reason why I don’t have as much of a stuffy nose. I only had one cavity filling, all my life, which was made of metal, which was causing symptoms, and whenever I went to get it removed in 2008, the dentist – grr, don’t get me started – he told me that I had a cavity in my canine tooth which I was not aware of. If it wasn’t bothering me, I shouldn’t have had anything done to fix it, but I was gullible back then, and I allowed him to ‘fix’ that cavity, which, in my opinion, was almost nonexistent. Now that I know what I know about teeth’s ability to heal their own cavities inside, I no longer believe it’s necessary to fill cavities, and if you can’t even *see* the cavity, if it’s closed, then it has an even better ability to seal over the root with a new layer of dentin, which all the Weston Price people have documented, and Rami Nagel and other authors who’ve used the diet. But, I said, don’t get me started.

So I now have two fillings, one in the back right upper molar, and one in the upper right canine tooth. Both are now plastic. That’s the side of my face that gets swollen, and it only started when I got those fillings put in. That’s the side where the nose gets stuffy nowadays, when it didn’t before. That’s the side where my saliva glands drool and drool and drool excessively whenever I catch a stomach virus, when they didn’t before – I never had that sick drooling fountain phenomenon anywhere near like I do nowadays when I catch stomach viruses.

Anyway, plastic fillings will worsen the symptoms of colds. That was what I forgot to say. And I have fewer fillings than many people do. I never drank soda when I was a child, because the fizz in the soda made me burp painfully out my nose, and it scared me and made me think I was going to throw up, and I was severely emetophobic and paranoid about vomiting, so I was terrified to drink soda because of all the huge burps that I would do afterwards. So I grew up without drinking any soda, and I only drank Kool-Aid, which is probably why I didn’t have as many cavities as other people. But my brother drank soda, and he didn’t have millions of cavities either, just a couple. Oh well, I’ll have to go into our family history and our nutrition and all that later on. I don’t have time now. I would have to explain it all according to the Weston Price observations of who gets cavities and who doesn’t and why.

I don’t get colds as badly as other people do; looking forward to a drug-free future for myself; shielding; Adam and Eve story rewritten with bonobos and an oralite culture

February 22, 2012

9:25 AM 2/22/2012

I may be unfortunate in terms of my chemical sensitivity, but there is one way that I am very lucky. I get over colds very quickly, and I have fewer symptoms than most of the people around me. I am much less bothered by colds than they are. I react horribly to tiny amounts of drugs and chemicals and foods, when other people don’t, but I barely even notice it when I catch a cold.

For the past several weeks, I have had these mysterious ‘pimples’ on my chin. They were painful and swollen and they stayed there for maybe almost two weeks. By now, I know that these are not pimples, they are cold sores, but they are small, not the large ones that people usually recognize as cold sores. I also had them in my nose. I know they are cold sores because of the years of history that I have with them, observing when they happen. I first started getting them at the same time that my mother and father complained that they had somehow recently caught some kind of cold sores/herpes from somebody and had started getting cold sores whenever they formerly had never had cold sores in the past. My mom told the story of how one of the neighbors had described how they were suddenly getting some kind of cold sores, out of nowhere, and then this person had given my mother a big kiss at a party while they were drunk, and I think it might have been because it was New Year’s Eve. Kissing is usually the way they are transmitted. Then we all started getting them at that same time, even though I wasn’t kissing my parents anymore at that age – I was a teenager – and I’m wondering if we got them by drinking out of the same glasses, even after they had been through the dishwasher. But that’s the time period when I started noticing the cold sores. I learned to observe them, and I recognize them by now, and I can usually tell the difference between normal pimples and cold sores, especially because I don’t get pimples anymore.

So I’ve had these for weeks. And other people at work have been complaining about how they’ve had this horrible cold lasting for weeks and weeks, and some people are going to the doctor because of it, and some people got pneumonia or bronchitis because of it. And I myself had absolutely no symptoms at all, except for cold sores, which tells me that the cold virus had indeed entered my body and was causing some kind of immune response, and that was all. Then I got this tiny little cold the other day, and it’s already getting better. I only had a scratchy throat and a slightly runny stuffy nose and fatigue. I also had the restless malaise, the miserable discomfort where I can’t sit still, which might possibly be associated with high blood sugar, but I don’t know for sure.

I’ve wondered why I’m so lucky about not catching colds. There are a couple of reasons. I mostly grew up in West Virginia, although I was born in Philadelphia and I lived in Haddonfield, New Jersey, for a brief time, and then Greensburg, Pennsylvania, for my childhood. But then the rest of my childhood and adolescence was spent in West Virginia. We had pretty clean air there, although, actually, we were sometimes able to smell weird odors from the chemical factories – Dad used to joke that it smelled like hot dogs. But most of the time, the air was clean. I’ve always been a nonsmoker, too. And my mom smoked, but she only smoked outdoors, never indoors, never around the rest of us. I don’t think she ever, ever, ever smoked indoors, not even once. If she had ever smoked at all indoors, it would have been in the bathroom with the air vent turned on. Actually, she was a secret smoker, and for a long time, I wasn’t even *aware* that she smoked. I remember it was a big scandal whenever we found out, and I was all scared because I thought she was going to get cancer. But the good thing about this ‘secret smoking’ was that she didn’t give us all the secondhand smoke, and I appreciate that.

So I grew up with mostly clean air. But I think there might be some other reasons why I don’t have a lot of cold symptoms. Even though I am eating a horrible fast food diet, I’ve noticed that I still tend to choose particular foods and avoid particular foods, and I might be making better choices on my fast food diet than some people are making.

Let me give an example. In the beginning, when I first started sleeping in my car, I hadn’t settled down in a particular parking lot yet, and would still sometimes go from one place to another. So one day, I was sleeping over near where the women’s clothing stores are. And I woke up one morning with a woman gently tapping on my window. I was confused. I opened the window and talked to her. She gave me a cup of coffee and a container of donut holes from Sheetz. They had been hers, and she had been bringing them in to work with her, and she had been going to eat them. But she gave them to me because she could see that I was an unfortunate person sleeping in my car, and I needed help.

There are grains of truth in that. I am, indeed, a sufferer of misfortune. I do need some kind of help. I am poor and I have very little money (although, as I said several posts ago, I am more and more aware of just how easy my life is, and how much I have, even as I get rid of more and more). It is helpful for me to receive free food from somebody.

However, I felt sort of bad because now, this lady herself was going to go inside and have nothing to eat. She would be telling herself that she had done a good deed by helping someone else at her own expense, and then empathizing with me by feeling what it felt like to have an empty stomach. It would be her life lesson for the day. I understand what she was trying to accomplish.

I thanked her, and she said that if I needed anything, I should let her know, and then she left and went on to work.

Later on I attempted to drink the coffee she had given me. But it turns out it wasn’t coffee. It was some kind of horrible, disgusting, nonfood substance which I myself would have avoided. Ever since I tried the Feingold Diet again in 2000-2001, I’ve been even more aware of artificial foods. This was some kind of artificially flavored, artificially colored powder mixed with hot water. I think it might be a ‘cappuccino’ (uh-oh, two c’s or one???), quote unquote, from those machines at gas stations. I know we used to have a cappuccino machine when I worked at Uni-Mart years ago, and we filled it with a similar artificially flavored powder. I couldn’t even recognize what it was supposed to taste like. It was sweet, and disgusting, and had no resemblance to the real coffee with real cream that I normally get.

Real coffee is bad for my teeth, and factory-farm cream isn’t good for me either, as I’ve noticed symptoms from drinking it – long story – which I didn’t get from drinking the fresh raw Amish milk that I used to buy from that family a while back.

However, I’m not getting as many chemicals from that as I would be from powdered artificial drinks. (‘Chemicals’ = I know that everything on earth is made of chemicals; however, the word ‘chemicals’ is a shorthand way of referring to particular categories of manmade chemicals that have particular effects on the body.)

And I would never buy donut holes. I usually avoid cake-like products, although I will sometimes start buying sweets and cakes whenever I’ve quit drinking coffee and I get a craving for something sweet, if I haven’t done the troubleshooting to get rid of my cravings yet. I view all ‘cravings’ as abnormal, the symptom of a problem, something that needs to be fixed, either the sign that you’ve been exposed to a hunger-inducing drug residue, such as tobacco, or else a sign that you’ve eaten an unbalanced diet.

The point of this whole rant was (not merely to entertain myself by giving me an opportunity to spend several hours enjoying the sensation of typing on a keyboard without thinking very hard or being challenged all that much) that I choose different foods than other people choose, and I usually choose the foods that are less chemical-filled and less artificial than other people are getting, even though we are both shopping at a place that provides overall unhealthy foods, like fast food restaurants or gas stations.

*******
I might possibly build a beginner-level shield whenever I start living in my tent. I might get a few pieces of sheet metal and set them up and make a box, which would not be sealed shut, it would not be welded, but instead would have openings to let the air through. It would be a box that assumes that some of the attacks come from ‘beams’ rather than ‘fields.’ If someone is aiming a large ‘field’ at you, that field will ‘leak’ through any open holes in your shield. You’d still be able to use a cell phone inside of a shield that had leaks, although you might be able to weaken the signal. But if I am being attacked with anything in the form of a beam, then line-of-sight barriers will be at least partly able to block it.

I remember doing a test with aluminum foil several years ago. I wrapped my cell phone inside of a box, and I wrapped the box completely with foil. Then I tried to call my cell phone. The goal is to wrap it so securely that the radio signal cannot get in, and the phone won’t ring. You’d still be able to hear the sound of the phone ringing from inside the box. I succeeded, and I was able to block the phone from receiving enough of a signal to ring. That’s a simple way that a person can learn about ordinary radio waves, the type of background radio that surrounds us all the time, from cell phones and other things. I read about that experiment on a website. It was a very simple idea and I liked it.

That test proves that yes, ordinary aluminum foil is capable of blocking ordinary, non-directed, non-beamed, non-attacking, background, ambient radio waves.

However, if somebody had a gun, like maybe a radar gun, which is designed to shoot a beam of high-intensity radio waves, it might be able to get through a thin layer of foil.

There is a difference between blocking out background radio waves that aren’t trying to attack you, versus blocking out a conscious, living, adaptable human being who is deliberately trying to attack you on purpose and who will change what they’re doing in response to whatever kind of shield you build. I am confident that I am able to reduce the background noise of the ambient radio waves that aren’t directed at me personally. They don’t ‘keep trying.’ They don’t adapt to my countermeasures. They don’t ‘turn up the volume’ on their guns.

But a human being who is attacking me will say something like this: ‘A shield made of foil? Okay, foil is only able to conduct a particular amount of electricity before it becomes overwhelmed, and it can only block out radio of a particular strength, so all I have to do is turn up the volume really high and it will overload the shield and it will leak through.’ An attacker will know the limitations of the shield. They will sit there for hours and hours, weeks, months, decades, doing nothing but trying to break through somebody’s shield. Somebody is paying them to do that. Somebody is paying somebody to sit there all day long and do nothing but destroy my life. I expect that if I do build a shield, it will merely cause them to either turn up the volume somehow or else use some other type of attack method that will be able to get through the shield. I’m not saying I *want* them to do that, I’m saying that’s what I expect, based on past experiences with these people.

Still, that doesn’t mean it isn’t worthwhile to build a shield. Somewhere in this process of building a shield, which they will then break through, so you build it thicker – somewhere in that process, they are going to have to shell out a couple hundred bucks to buy a new, stronger piece of equipment, because they’ve reached the limits of the equipment they have, and they can’t turn up the volume any more. I see this as a probably inevitable part of the cycle. These people don’t just say ‘Aw shucks, you beat me,’ and then go home. For whatever reason, they are getting paid to destroy my life.

******
Week after week, I am saving a little bit of my paycheck so that I can finish buying the bike. I wasn’t quite ready to buy that particular bike, and it might not really be quite what I wanted, actually, but I didn’t have time to shop around, and I had been eager to start on the process of transitioning to a bike. Even if I don’t necessarily like the bicycle as much as I would want to, it will help me get started. It won’t be the last bike I ever own.

There will be a time in the future when I have cleaned off most of the drug residues and won’t be constantly having reactions anymore. I will then quit drinking coffee again, as I wish I could have done all this time. I only drink coffee because my reactions to the residues causes me to be extremely exhausted.

I won’t be drinking coffee anymore. I will have fewer moods. It will be harder for me to get to a wifi. It will be harder for me to get anywhere. My netbook battery will run out more often and will be harder to recharge.

As a result, sometime this year, in the future, after I get settled, after I get out of my car, after I’m no longer using the car anymore, after I’ve cleaned off myself and my clothing and my other items, there will be a time when I finally shut up and I’m not writing multiple blog posts per day anymore. No news is good news. It means that I am living a peaceful, calm life. It means that I am doing some other activity instead of soothing myself by typing on a keyboard for hours and hours at a time.

If I ever do spend hours typing on a keyboard, I would wish that I could do this in a goal-oriented way, instead of a passive entertainment kind of way. To me, typing on a keyboard is as soothing as playing a video game for hours. My brain is in an effortless state of functioning. I am not thinking that hard about anything, which is the reason why this is low-quality written material without any actual content.

But whenever I’ve completely quit caffeine, my brain doesn’t act that way anymore. For some reason, I don’t get the urge to type on a keyboard about nothing for hours and hours every single day, when I’m completely off drugs. I just can’t think of anything important enough to say, anymore, when I’m completely off drugs. It’s true that the stuff I’m saying right now isn’t important, either, but it still feels worthwhile to say it. When I’m completely drug-free, it doesn’t even feel worthwhile to blab about nothing for hours anymore.

Sometime in the next few months, sometime this year, that will happen again. I will go back to being much more quiet than I have been lately. There will be far fewer blog posts. And it won’t be as easy for me to get to a wifi either.

Will I be doing anything productive during that time of silence? I wonder. I wonder what I will do.

Maybe I should make my shielded box soundproof, too, so that I can practice the violin out in the woods without disturbing the countryside.

Wouldn’t it be nice to write my own words without being a puppet, without getting suggestions from the murderers, without having my sentences filled with their words, their ideas, their topics of discussion? How would I talk if I weren’t being manipulated? What would I talk about? How would my attitudes change? I know that this writing voice is fake. I know it’s very much controlled by the murderers, and, as such, it is not the true voice of my soul. No one on earth knows what I really sound like. No one on earth knows the real me.

I don’t know if I’ve *ever* written anything, in my entire life, that wasn’t controlled by the murderers. Did I ever write a single sentence that didn’t have their words in it?

I can read books written a century ago. Their writing style is completely different from anything written today. A lot of it is much, much, much, much higher quality writing, much more intelligent, insightful, informative, and coherent than anything written today. Those old books sound like real people using their own brains without being disturbed. I envy those authors. They were able to say something that had actual meaning and content. They were able to express their true selves. This isn’t merely because our culture has deteriorated. It’s because people’s brains weren’t being attacked back then. The weapons were being developed, but they would only have been used on the tiniest minority of people, and they could not do anywhere near as much as they can do today. They would not have been able to follow someone constantly and completely destroy their life, back then.

I’ve seen some evidence that harassment was going on in the early 20th century. I’ve read some things that make me suspect it. Frida Kahlo supposedly was kissing her husband underneath some streetlights, and the streetlights each turned off every time they went under them. They joked that it was the energy generated by their love which turned off the lights. I don’t recall where I read this anecdote. I don’t recall what year it was. I seem to recall that it happened about the same time as the Great Depression.

It is dismaying to see that the attacks were happening longer ago than you might expect. Some people say that the attacks only began in the 1960s. I believe that people had begun developing energy weapons from the very beginning, ever since the very first scientist noticed the phenomenon of electricity and published his research. Somebody else learned about it and began to make it into a weapon, from the very beginning.

Somebody found out about the existence of radio, centuries ago, and somebody observed that it made your body feel weird physical sensations if you were standing next to it and it hit you, and they said ‘Hey! I can *do* something with this!’ and so they developed the first radio frequency weapon… centuries ago. I believe that’s the real story of what happened. It would have been a primitive, crude weapon, but it doesn’t take much to just *hurt* somebody. There’s a difference between controlling the subtlest emotions and beliefs in a person’s mind, versus bluntly destroying that person’s life. You don’t need an expensive, technologically advanced weapon to destroy lives.

I did some research a while back, reading century-old books, as I said, and I read one anecdote, in a book about dreams, where somebody said that he was hearing a word, but couldn’t understand what the word was, and he misunderstood the word, which influenced the outcome of the dream. To me, this sounds *exactly* like a typical harassment experience, and it happened to someone right around 1900 or so, if I recall from the date the book was written. (It was a book about dreams, which I have in my ‘google books’ section somewhere, online.) That suggests that the murderers already had learned how to encode voices into radio, back then, and project it into someone’s head.

There’s no reason to believe they couldn’t. They had already encoded voices into *legitimate* radio signals. They had telegraphs and telephones and other legitimate ways of communicating. There’s no reason why somebody *wouldn’t* have made the connection between modulating radio waves so they can be decoded into sounds, and, using this technique to influence human bodies. As I said, the very first scientist who experimented with radio would have said something like ‘Hey! I just felt a weird sensation!’ or ‘Hey! I just heard a clicking sound in my head!’ ‘Microwave hearing’ is one of the terms used to refer to the clicking sound that *some* people hear when they are hit with radar. The very first observer who noticed clicking noises in his head might have written it down somewhere in his notes, might have told somebody else about it, and somebody told somebody else, and soon, lots of other researchers were also experimenting with radio waves, and observing the same thing, the same weird sensations in their bodies, the same clicking noises in their heads. And somebody said ‘Hey! If we can send words over the telegraph, then maybe we can send words into people!’ And a bunch of other people said ‘Yeah! Great idea!’ and they started doing it.

This happened *centuries* ago, not just a few decades ago, not just since the 1960s. It happened since the very first scientists discovered electricity.

I don’t remember what the point was. I’ll have to reread. There probably was no point.

Oh, it was because I said that book authors had a very different writing style a long time ago. Fewer people were being attacked.

They probably also were physically healthier, or at least, a larger number of healthy people existed in the population, ‘healthy’ referring to people who were born to parents who had eaten a Weston Price diet and who had fewer deformities, who never received vaccines that made them become autistic, and that kind of thing. Then again, there might have been *more* toxic chemicals around back then, as there were more factories. I don’t know – there could have been more Weston Price deformities, or fewer, and I don’t know for sure. It would have varied by region. There was a time period, for instance during the Depression, when a large number of people had extremely severe deformities, so that children were born with twisted legs and club feet and were unable to walk. That’s less common nowadays, but it still happens sometimes.

*******
I’m sort of feeling like it’s time to post this instead of continuing to write, because I have to go to work today. And I have an unpleasant feeling at the thought that I have to go to work. I want to fix this, so that I won’t be working at a minimum-wage job anymore, so that I can earn a higher income, and I will be able to save money and do projects and things, without having to work two jobs. I don’t want to dread going to my job. I don’t want to feel as though it isn’t getting me anywhere. I don’t want to feel like I work for hundreds of hours but can barely save a few dollars over weeks and weeks and weeks. My current strategy is to make major, huge cutbacks in my spending, but there is only so much I can cut, and then, I will need to switch to the strategy of earning more income, and in the beginning, I will do that simply by working more, but in the long run, I want to get paid more per hour so that I can work less while earning more, and eventually, I want a passive income. That will require a project. It’s not easy to just say ‘I want a passive income’ and then go out and get one. It takes years.

‘They’ had me thinking about orality, nonliterate cultures, and about Adam and Eve. They were retelling the story of the garden. Adam and Eve were bonobo apes, our closest relatives. They decided to eat from the Caffea Arabica tree, and they discovered caffeine, which made them smarter. When they were caffeinated, they decided to wander far away from the jungle where the bonobos lived. They wandered far to the north, where they became cold, and so they began to wear animal skins to keep warm. Bonobo apes *do* eat meat, and so Adam and Eve didn’t suddenly become carnivores out of nowhere. Bonobos eat less meat than we do – it’s only occasional, according to what I’ve read. Anyway, when Adam and Eve returned to the bonobos, they were now wearing clothing.

Because of the nature of orality, the story was rewritten. The ‘rewriting of history’ is something I read about in wikipedia, something oralite cultures do. For instance, if somebody had seven sons, and two of the sons died, and five of the sons went out and started their own kingdom, the story would be rewritten so that the person only had five sons to begin with, and the two sons who died never existed, because that’s too much detail to remember in an orally recited story. It only matters that five sons went out and started five kingdoms.

So according to the newly rewritten history, Adam and Eve were ‘warned in advance’ not to eat the coffee beans. (And in this story, it was coffee beans because, if I recall correctly, those do grow in Africa, but I could be mistaken – maybe they didn’t originally grow in Africa, and I would have to do research to find out). But actually, nobody warned them in advance. It was only observed after the fact that something strange would happen to your mind if you ate coffee beans – you would become more mentally alert and go seeking knowledge, and you would become restless and want to go exploring to faraway places. The story was rewritten to make it sound like God told them, in advance, not to eat the fruits from the tree of knowledge, the coffee plant.

And Adam and Eve weren’t ‘kicked out’ of the garden. They left on their own, to go exploring. But God’s feelings were hurt, and he said ‘Fine! Go then! Good riddance! And don’t come back!’ And it was written into the story that God kicked them out on purpose, when they actually just wandered away.

And then, they went so far away, for so long, that they became a new species, and they could not return to mate with the bonobo apes anymore, and they became human, and they wore clothing because they were cold, not because they were ashamed. And they encountered the bonobos many times while this process was happening, and they still communicated with the bonobos, until eventually they could not understand the language of the bonobos anymore.

Bonobo apes do speak a language. This is taboo, because people have rationalized that humans are superior to all other animals, that we are fundamentally different from animals, that we have ‘free will’ while animals do not have free will, that we have language while animals do not have language, and so on. Animals have an oralite culture. They don’t have *written* language. Their oralite cultures are exactly like our oralite cultures. They memorize an old history and repeat it back to themselves for thousands of years. Bonobo language uses high-pitched noises that are physically impossible for humans to imitate, and so, we couldn’t speak their language unless we used a mechanical device to help us produce the most difficult sounds.

Very few people are able to study the bonobo apes. The country that they live in is constantly at war, and it’s one of those endless African wars which are caused by the Powers That Be constantly meddling in their affairs and causing them to attack each other. This is why hardly anyone knows the bonobos exist, and why we haven’t yet gotten a translation of their language on the internet for the whole world to see. But they do have a language, and they talk to each other constantly, and they have an oralite culture without writing.

I don’t know why this is so hard for some people to accept. It seems perfectly normal and commonsense to me. I wasn’t raised in a religious family, I guess, and I never believed that humans were very different from animals. Humans are just a special kind of animal, and we can do a lot of amazing things, but we are not fundamentally different from them. I don’t feel any need to separate myself from the animals and to believe that animals cannot possibly think or cannot possibly have any language.

Well, okay, I guess I should post this now.

sick with a cold of course

February 21, 2012

3:21 PM 2/21/2012

I am definitely sick – it wasn’t just a reaction. I have a scratchy throat and slightly stuffy nose and I wanted to sleep in really late today.

I have that feeling of not being able to do anything. I’m uncomfortable and sick and restless, and nothing comforts me, and it’s not really warm enough to be outside, especially when I’m sick.

I tried going to the Music Building, and I walked through it. I also looked them up online. They do have practice rooms, but they are completely booked, like, months in advance. So I’d have to look elsewhere for a practice room.

Unfortunately, when I feel as miserable as I feel today, I can’t focus my energy on looking for an alternative. I looked at the website for one of the churches around here to see whether I would conceivably feel comfortable asking them to let me use the church to practice in, but I’m not ready to try asking them yet.

went to the tent again

February 20, 2012

12:40 PM 2/20/2012

I actually felt horrible the entire day, and exhausted the whole time I was at work. I think I might have been fighting off a cold instead of recovering from alcohol fumes, because it lasted wayyy too long, even longer than I would normally expect from myself from having a reaction to something. It lasted the entire night and the entire day. It was only an alcohol reaction in the very beginning.

I went up to the tent today. I haven’t been there in weeks. It made me feel happy and hopeful again. It’s bright and sunny and tolerably cool outside, not bitter cold. The air on the mountain was fresh.

I had thought somebody might have taken down the tent, some hikers maybe who would have been annoyed at me for leaving garbage in the woods. It obviously looks like some kind of tent, but it’s trashy looking. But I went up, and it was still there. There wasn’t water inside it, just a little bit of condensation in some places, and not really inside, but just under some of the layers – I have a place where part of the fabric lies over top of another part. There was frozen water on the roof of the tent in one place where the ceiling had sunk down and let the water pool. I removed it. I knew that would happen. The ceiling isn’t held up very well.

I had been feeling sort of hopeless about the tent, as though it was never going to happen, as though somebody would have taken it down, as though I wasn’t going to be able to do it for real, as though I was just going to stagnate and linger in my car forever without making the transition. But going up there today and seeing that it was still there, that it hadn’t been taken down even though I hadn’t visited it for weeks, made me feel much more optimistic. There is nothing impossible about this. I can do it, and I will. Other people have squatted unofficially on the land, in other places, and if they can do it, so can I.

I added a couple things to the tent. I moved some logs underneath part of the tent, the part that’s on the uphill, because I won’t be sleeping on that part, and I’m going to use it for storage of my belongings. So I put the logs underneath the floor of the tent there to act like ‘steps’ that would hold up the stuff so it wouldn’t slide down the hill. So now I have this floor with these kind of shelves or steps under the floor made of logs. The sleeping section is below that, on a slightly flatter area, but none of it is really as flat as it should be, and I will probably modify it over time, and maybe put more logs or something under the floor to shape it the way I want to.

The entire forest floor is covered with fallen trees there. That made me think about forest fires. I recall reading somewhere that forest fires are a naturally occurring phenomenon that happens by itself sometimes and isn’t always manmade.

I felt energized by walking up the hill. Strangely, the exertion of climbing the steep hill actually gave me the urge to run. I wanted to run up the mountain instead of walking. I’m going to hate climbing that mountain with my bike every day, I know – but I’m going to get used to it, and I’m going to remind myself that I’m no longer spending money on gas, car insurance, inspections, repairs, maintenance, registrations, and driver’s licenses, and whatever else has to do with the car, and also, I will be more limited and less spontaneous, so I might possibly be less likely to go out and spend money on random things, or go on long car trips for fun, which spends a lot of gas money. Instead, I will have to ride the bus, which will be a new expense, and I will ride my bike more, and eventually want to put an engine on the bike.

Lemont was always my favorite part of town, ever since I moved here. I will now be living in Lemont, though not officially. I felt like the people who lived in Lemont were somehow different from the people who lived in the rest of town. The houses were much, much smaller, on the hillside, and the people were more like me. Once, I saw a couple of people standing around a woman who was talking and gesturing, and she had hair under her arms. The people living in Lemont are more hippie-like, more ecology-minded people, more like a small rural town instead of the State College football fans culture down below – although I’m sure most of the people on the mountain are football fans too. There are a lot of people who go hiking on the trails up the mountain. There’s a house where somebody is growing a stand of what looks like bamboo, and I’m really curious about it. Bamboo is something that ecologically minded people are interested in, because it grows fast and can provide wood so that people don’t have to cut trees down, although of course the wood is small and has more limited uses.

‘Ecology’ is one of the keywords that I’m aware of which tends to attract the type of people I am looking for. Ecology is a religion that looks towards the eternity of life on earth. It isn’t focused on eternity in heaven. Instead, they want to look far, far into the future of human life, of their children’s children’s children, to infinity. We will be here for millions of years, or billions of years, until an asteroid hits the earth and knocks it out of orbit, or we get sucked into a black hole or something. So, until then, we want to know what life on earth will be like, and we want it to be a good life. That is a concept of eternity, different from religion’s concept of eternity in heaven. This is eternity on earth.

But I am also aware of the future of freedom, of free will. And I am also interested in ‘economic ecology’ or ‘financial ecology,’ what kind of economic system is the healthiest, most effective, best one, the one that causes the least amount of damage to society – and the one we have right now is not it! In the eternity ahead of us, we need to know about our freedom, our peace, our ability to live with the other people around us without people initiating force against us – and they already have initiated such force that we have all already been completely enslaved. But still, there is a future, and things will change, but we don’t know how they will change. Our slavery is physical and financial. So I would want to talk about those things, too, in addition to the ecology of wildlife and plants and other nonhuman life. I don’t have a name for that, a keyword, but usually I would look for something like ‘libertarian.’ I can find those people easily enough. I need to look for IEEs.

Another keyword is ‘literacy’ – that’s what ‘they’ told me. People who value knowledge, value literacy. From another way of looking at things, literacy is the root of all evil, and we might have been better off with orality. Literacy wouldn’t be so bad if controversial ideas were being published, ideas that people really need to know about. I have a feeling that I will continue to value literacy, myself.

I’m at the laundromat right now. I’m washing some clothes that are a little bit contaminated, but not badly, and I’m going to give them to Goodwill. I only threw away clothes if they were severely contaminated or if I was in a big hurry and was trying to get rid of a lot of things quickly. I really hate throwing away contaminated clothing. This stuff is not too bad, but it’s bad enough that I don’t want to wear it again. I will have some more space in the back seat of my car after I get rid of some of these bags of contaminated laundry.

That is actually progress towards my goal of getting my stuff out of the car. I need to get rid of whatever I don’t want. So I will have less of it after today. I might even consider moving an item or two into the tent, although I’m not sure about that. I’m not sure what I have that I could put there and leave unsupervised. I have a thing that I forget the name of, an insulated box that was supposed to be used as an icebox, which I haven’t been using. That, I could put up there, except I don’t know for sure if I will even keep that or if I will even attempt to use it. I don’t know if I’m going to be dragging bags of ice up the mountain to an icebox in my tent. Ideally, I’d be next to a stream and I might put the food into the stream to keep it cool. But there are very few streams on that mountain. There are a couple, but neither of them are near where I put the tent.

I’ve never tried keeping my food in a stream before, and I don’t know how cold the temperature would be in the summertime. If it had just come out of the ground, at a spring, it would be the coolest. If it were going downhill under the shade of the trees, it would stay cool. If it had gone out in a sunny area, it would be warmer. I read about that while researching the brook trout, which supposedly like the cooler water, which is the reason why people are trying to keep the trees around the edges of the streams so the sun won’t shine on them. They are doing this because a long time ago they destroyed all the creeks and they cut down all the trees on the mountains and the soil came down the hills and went into the creeks, and the water became warm and the fish died in the warmth and the mud. So they replanted the trees on the mountains and around the creeks and tried to put the trout back into the creeks.

The temperature of the water coming out of a spring would be close to the temperature of underground caves. They say that underground caves stay at a particular temperature all year long, and I can’t remember what it is, but it might be fifty something. It’s warmer than the ‘safety zone’ temperatures for food – food will start to spoil at that temperature. It would spoil more slowly than if it were at eighty degrees, though.

I’ve wanted to learn how to keep food at room temperature using old-fashioned, primitive processes, such as smoking and drying and fermenting, and other things. I haven’t learned any of that yet.

My laundry’s almost done. I’ll be taking it to Goodwill. If I can persuade myself to get into the right frame of mind, then I will do my taxes today. I don’t know if this will be a day when I’m able to make myself do things that I need to do, or not. This is all drug-related.

I felt this regret at the sight of some of the clothes that I’m giving to Goodwill. I really liked one or two of the items. But this is pretty much the last time that I will have to do it – maybe not *the* last time, but close to the last time. That’s the whole point of getting out of the car. That won’t stop me from doing things like visiting the houses of people who smoke cigarettes and use other drugs, which is where most of my current outbreak came from, but it will stop me from getting stuff off the floor of the car all the time.

On the mountainside, I will have to avoid any rhododendrons. I am way below where they are. Rhododendrons are a huge nuisance in this entire geographic region, but nobody else views them as a nuisance except me. I haven’t had any horrible reactions to them ever since that one time when I walked near one that was flowering, to take its picture. I suspect now that they are much more toxic while flowering, and the rest of the year, they don’t produce as much poison. I’ve walked past hundreds of them while hiking on some of the trails, and haven’t had any severe reactions, but I do always notice heart problems and dizziness and weakness when I am close to them, just not as severe as the one time several years ago. That is probably the source of the residues that are causing me to have numb extremities with poor circulation, although that also seems to have been associated with going to my friend’s house on New Year’s and getting covered with smoke and suspected antidepressant residues and other stuff.

sick of waiting; played the violin again today; made a financial prediction; i’m starting to believe primitive cultures are somehow wealthier than we are

February 19, 2012

1:52 PM 2/19/2012

I’m sort of having a bad day, but mostly just because I don’t feel well. I actually felt sick the entire night. I sniffed that alcohol 17 hours ago, but I still feel sort of weird. I had a terrible time falling asleep because I had hypopnea – I was breathing too slowly and felt like I was going to stop breathing. So I drank coffee in the middle of the night. I had brought a cup of coffee with me when I left McDonald’s, and had meant to drink it when I woke up the next morning, but I drank it in the middle of the night because stimulants help me if I’m having apnea or hypopnea. I was more comfortable after that and was able to get to sleep after drinking the coffee. My head still doesn’t feel right and I’m sort of slow moving and dull, but it’s getting better. I’m also having an anxiety attack, and I know which drug causes that, and it’s something in the back of my car that I touched last night. When I am having my anxiety attacks, it’s not something where I run around screaming in a panic or anything – it’s just this feeling of refusal to do even the simplest things, even the things that would help, such as taking a bath and changing clothes.

I’m annoyed right now because I went to Dairy Queen and got my lunch, and I sat in the parking lot eating it for several minutes, and when I had finished my sandwich and went to eat the blizzard, I discovered it was the wrong kind. I thought I had asked for a cookie dough blizzard, but I got an oreo cookie blizzard instead, which is disgusting and which isn’t at all what I wanted, but I was too embarrassed to go back and return it, partly because I thought I might have accidentally asked for an oreo blizzard, and partly because I had been sitting out in the parking lot for so long while I was eating, because I don’t like to go inside restaurants to eat, for a variety of reasons, partly because I can’t stand the horrible music playing all the time, partly because I don’t want to get food all over my face in front of other people – I just haven’t liked eating around other people for several years now, ever since I had the stomach problem and felt like I was going to vomit every time I ate. I wouldn’t eat in restaurants anymore because I would always feel like I had to run outside if I were going to vomit. So that’s become sort of a permanent habit, even though I’m not sick like that anymore. I just don’t eat in a sit-down restaurant, but I will go through a drive-thru and then sit in my car in the parking lot, often using the wifi from my car.

So I felt like an idiot for the fact that I sat in their parking lot for fifteen or twenty minutes eating before I discovered that I had the wrong blizzard. So I just left and I’m eating it and it’s yucky. But all my food is yucky. But some of it is more tolerable than other food.

I’m also annoyed because, after a couple days of keeping track of my spending, I did an average, and I’m spending way too much, and it will take forever even for me to finish paying off this bike. I thought I’d be able to pay it off really soon, but it’s still going to be weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks, assuming that I don’t have any unusual spending between now and then.

So I might go to Dave, the coin guy, and sell him a few of my silver coins. I don’t know how many I have left, because I already sold him some, last year or so. And I haven’t been buying any at all, because I haven’t been earning any saveable income – I’ve been earning just barely enough to scrape by, and nothing extra, not enough to save it up in coins the way I used to do whenever I had two jobs. I can’t afford to save any money at all right now. But I think I have enough left to sell a little bit and then buy the bike. I only need $200 something. I’m just sick of waiting. I absolutely hate this endless stagnation and being stuck and trapped and not being able to finish any of my goals and never having any money even though I’m no longer paying rent.

I had a false and misleading impression of how much money I would be able to make, and I know the reason why. I had tons of extra money near the end of last year, because around that time of year, my parents always send me birthday checks and Christmas checks for hundreds of dollars. There were times in the past when I attempted to refuse those checks. I don’t like ‘windfalls.’ They confuse me. They make me feel like I’m making a lot of money, but in reality, it’s only a tiny little bit extra, and it’s temporary and fleeting, and if you spend it, it’s gone, and you’re back to your usual pattern of barely making enough to scrape by, but you still have this feeling that you’ll soon have hundreds and hundreds of extra dollars, because you know you did just recently. I have it in my mind that, not too long ago, I had tons and tons of extra money sitting around, and so I still feel as though that’s continuing. But that wasn’t real income, it was a ‘windfall,’ it was a gift from my parents. It’s true, I did gradually save up several hundred dollars extra from August until the end of the year, by not paying rent, by living in my car. I saved several hundred each month. But I just had this feeling that it was going to continue to be a lot more than that, a lot faster, because of the misleadingly large amounts of money I had not too long ago from all the gifts. I spent a very large amount of money to rent the moving van that I used to drive all my remaining belongings down to West Virginia. It was about $800.

Basically, I lost whatever money I had saved up on my own, and I also lost the money that I had received as gifts, and now I’m back to my normal income where I barely scrape by, and I was very annoyed and frustrated when I did some calculations on paper and took a guess of how many weeks it would take me to save up enough to finish buying the bike, when I had originally thought it would be easy and quick and it would be nothing.

I’m looking at this in terms of my socionic functions. Te is my creative function, not my base function. They say that if something is your base function, you are easily able to foresee the future of things relevant to that function, and you can easily follow fast changes. But if something is only your creative function, it’s not easily able to keep track of fast changes over time. It’s slightly weaker, and it can figure out how to apply its knowledge appropriately depending on the situation, but it’s not able to quickly and easily forecast the future or keep up with fast changes over time. That seems to describe how I see my money changes. I am slow to understand that I no longer have all that extra windfall-gift money, and I still feel as though I’m in that state, when actually things have changed. Te is a type of logic which is associated with money, but that’s not the only thing it does. I haven’t attempted to read anything recently about the information elements, but I still really want to know, especially about the plus and minus signs.

Anyway, the ‘dimensions’ of the functions is what I’m talking about. The base function is four-dimensional: it has experience (Ex), norms (Nm), situation (St, I think), and time (Tm). Somebody on the forum was referring to it as ‘global’ instead of ‘time’ (or ‘temporal,’ perhaps) and I disagree with her. Global and Temporal are two very different things. Global is the minus sign, and it’s distinguished from local/individual, which is the plus sign. ‘Time’ is actually, specifically referring to time, not generalness, not largeness, not a ‘whole world perspective.’ It refers specifically to being able to forecast the future with regard to a particular function, and with being able to keep track of fast changes over time.

In your weakest functions, it’s really hard to respond to fast changes over time. You’re still struggling to understand what just happened, perhaps for several minutes, perhaps even longer than that. But with your base function, you understand something instantly, and when it changes a second later, you instantly understand the new situation as well, and you can respond to it and do something.

******
Today I went back to the road into the forest, but I went there in the middle of a bright and sunny day. It turns out that I was only a short distance from several hunting cabins, on the night when I thought that I was isolated and alone.

So I went farther out today, and I practiced again. I tested the new song. It was very, very hard. I didn’t finish playing it because my fingers started to get very cold. It was above freezing outside, but only 40 degrees or so. I was uncomfortable. I got annoyed because I made a mistake – I was supposed to play Ending #2 on the second iteration, but I accidently played Ending #1 again without noticing, and it took several minutes of slowly struggling just to play Ending #1, and when I finished it, I suddenly saw that I had played the wrong thing, and that I would now have to spend several minutes slowly struggling through Ending #2, while my fingers were freezing and I was losing patience and becoming too uncomfortable to keep playing. So I quit it. I will definitely try to find a place to play indoors so that my fingers don’t freeze and I don’t get miserably uncomfortable while trying to play.

I decided that I need to make a chart of intervals. Intervals can be transposed. I would make a chart of all the finger positions needed to play two notes of a particular interval, and it doesn’t matter which notes they are, because their relationships will always be the same. I could play C and G, and that’s a perfect fifth interval, and my fingers will be the same distance apart, arranged the same way, if I played G# and D# or something.

On the chart, I would write down which finger positions could not be done because they would require you to play both notes on the same string, unless you did some very strange finger positions.

I noticed a situation where I had to cross my ‘third’ finger over my ‘second’ finger (normally, I call my ring finger the fourth, and my middle finger the third, but with the violin, the index is first, middle is 2nd, ring is 3rd, and pinky is 4th). My third finger had to reach across my second finger in a strange way. I was able to do it, but it was hard, and I would not be able to quickly jump in and out of that position at high speed. My finger actually hurts right now because of some of the straining I had to do, probably not just because of that one position, but probably simply because they’re not very strong yet and they’re not used to doing any of that stuff at all.

There are a lot of things that I would describe as ‘possible, but very undesirable or challenging.’ You can do them inefficiently, with difficulty, by using some strange technique or position, but you wouldn’t like to have to do that over and over again very quickly. The music needs to be written so as to avoid doing those types of things.

***********
Well, I feel slightly better knowing the truth about my money, after having kept a record of it for a couple days and then predicting the future. I’m tired of waiting, and I want to hurry this up, and so I might consider selling some of my coins to Dave. I wish that I could be earning enough money that I could buy new coins, but that won’t happen until I get a second job again. But at least now I’m not just blindly going along in my frustration and stagnation that never ends, not knowing when I’ll be able to actually get the bike.

I didn’t want to buy a Wal-Mart bike because I had already learned that cheap bikes are very, very heavy and they feel like they’re made of lead. My previous bike had been a medium-expensive bike that I bought at the bike store and not at Wal-Mart. My ex-boyfriend had a Wal-Mart bike, and I tried riding it (a long time ago), and it was so heavy that it really made it hard to pedal uphill, when I had gotten used to my slightly lighter weight bike. It’s true, I didn’t have the lightest possible bike. Those are the very expensive ones. Mine was medium.

I’m going to be learning about bikes, about all the things that are wrong with them. I have short legs and a long torso, and that always made it so that I didn’t fit properly on the bikes. I would want a custom made bike for my body.

If all goes well, I’m going to add a motor to the bike, with the help of my coworker. Right now I think I want a gas motor, not an electric one, because I don’t have a place to plug it in to charge the battery. With a gas motor, you can go anywhere and still be able to get gas, but with an electric one, you would always have to worry about whether you would be going someplace where you could find some kind of charger. The motor uses amazingly little gas, barely any at all. It’s extremely cheap. That’s because the motor doesn’t have to push the weight of a huge car – it’s only pushing a tiny little bicycle and the weight of your body.

And a motorized bike doesn’t require any kind of government licensing. You don’t have to register it, in Pennsylvania. This varies from place to place – some states do require registration of motorized bikes. But here, if it’s only a slow bike, it doesn’t have to be registered, but if it goes over a certain speed, it does.

So you can use a motorized bike to get ‘off the grid’ with regard to your government licenses and registrations and paperwork. You can simply cease to exist in the world of vehicle registrations, and yet you are still using a convenient motorized vehicle that can go long distances. I love that. I love having something that isn’t registered at all, something that they ignore and overlook, something that doesn’t even exist. I learned about all this from my coworker. I’d like to use the motorized bike to go on long-distance trips.

Years and years ago I was very concerned about getting ‘off the grid’ and not having any kind of government paperwork because I was being harassed by computer hackers. They can break into any computer that has your name in it, and find out where you are. If your name is listed on any computer anywhere, these people will find it and stalk you and continue to harass you. But if you can work at a job under the table, where nobody has a record of who you are, and you don’t pay taxes to anyone, and you’re not paying any utility bills, and you’re not using a registered vehicle or using a driver’s license, then your name won’t be in any computers anywhere, and theoretically, you would be able to get away from the hackers.

However, I gave up on that entire plan. I had actually been researching options such as paying tens of thousands of dollars to purchase residency in another country – I heard that there was someplace where you could buy residency for only $40,000 or so (years ago, probably no longer true). I had been planning to do that so that I could get away from the hackers, and I was researching ways to change my name and somehow live without using a social security number. But I gave up on all of that plan, because I discovered that the murderers were stalking me by physically looking through the walls of my house, and reading my mind, and controlling my will, and preventing me from being myself, and controlling everything in my life. It would not be possible to just sneak away from the murderers when those were the methods they were using to destroy your life. So I gave up on the plan of moving to another country and buying residency and changing my name and living without a social security number and working under the table and going to all these terrible extremes to escape from the harassment that they were doing to me online. It is not possible to escape from them that way.

I remember when ‘we’ made the decision to stay here.

There was a belief, an assumption, that it’s not possible to change people if you don’t like something about them. You assume that they will always be that way, and it’s futile to try to change them or argue with them or show them a different belief system.

But ‘they’ insisted that I must stay here in Pennsylvania and try to change the world from here, in spite of my belief that it’s not possible to change people, to change a culture, to change the things that I hate about this place. That was why they tried to force me to start a new religion, which totally goes against my nature, or at least, the particular ‘design’ of the plan went against my nature.

I might be able to start something, but whenever I imagine it, I imagine paying people to be employed by me and follow my rules as long as they are my employees. If I am giving them some kind of material benefit like money, or letting them live on my land, then yes, I will require them to follow my rules, and that would be the only situation that I can imagine where I would actually be able to enforce the rules of my personal ‘religion,’ such as requiring people to stop cutting their hair. I can’t imagine any other way that I could make it work, except by paying people to do it.

So ‘they’ wanted me to do that. They wanted me to start an intentional community, and to do it here, in Pennsylvania. And they forced me to give up all hope on moving to another country, to give up all hope of escaping from the torture and the harassment and the stalking. That was many years ago in the early 2000s. And back then, I had thought it was merely computer hackers, and at first I wasn’t aware that they were physically attacking my body and my mind.

I was thinking about this for the past couple days, thinking about the assumption that you can’t change people, that you can’t change their beliefs, that if you don’t like something about them, then you must cut off all contact with them instead of wasting your energy to fight with them and try to convince them to change their ways and their beliefs and their values. I no longer even try to ask anybody the question ‘Why?’, but I did when I was younger. When I was younger, I still used to attempt to ask people why they did something, I still tried to get a coherent answer, I still tried to convince people that the things they were doing didn’t make sense or I didn’t agree with them, but I gave up on trying. You can’t change anybody. It’s best if you simply avoid anyone who disagrees with you.

And so, I am completely and totally antisocial, and I spend all of my time totally alone, because now, I have beliefs and experiences which are so extreme and so esoteric that *nobody on earth* agrees with me, and *everybody* disagrees about everything that matters to me. I can’t change their minds – it’s futile. I can’t convince anyone to believe me. I can’t convince anyone that these things matter. I can’t convince anyone that these things are worth doing. I can’t convince anyone that these things are happening.

The only thing I can do is find fellow sufferers. But each esoteric belief has its own group of fellow sufferers. The people who believe in the existence of chemical sensitivity and drug residues are a totally different group of people from the ones who believe in the existence of electronic mind control. So I would have to focus on two separate groups with two separate goals. Each and every one of my health-related beliefs is actually one tiny portion of an interrelated belief cluster, and not everyone will share all of the beliefs. I could find people who like the idea of intentional communities, but they might all be vegetarians. That kind of thing.

I can’t find anyone who agrees with all of my esoteric beliefs simultaneously. There would always be something where I would have to ‘look elsewhere’ to get the support that I need. I admire Rick’s lifestyle in many ways, and I agree with many of his values and beliefs, but he doesn’t believe in mind control or chemical sensitivity or any of the things that are the center of my life right now. So I would be able to get support for all the other beliefs and the lifestyle, but not for those things. And those two esoteric beliefs completely destroyed any relationship that might have happened, even if it had only been a friendship.

Unfortunately, I never got the chance to talk to him about his beliefs about children, about population. He has written that he would only want to have one child, and I am opposed to that idea. I want to have as many as physically possible before I finish menopause. That will only be a few, but it should be more than just one.

In Nunavut, they still have a very high birth rate among the indigenous Inuit people. And there, it’s so underpopulated, so isolated, so undeveloped, that there is no feeling of ‘overpopulating the planet’ whenever you have a dozen children there. You can have a dozen children, and still be surrounded by thousands of miles of silent emptiness.

They say that in the developed world, the birthrate always goes down. I’ve read that in many different places. When the culture ‘develops,’ they ‘choose’ to stop having children.

I am beginning to suspect that the reason why the birthrate goes down is because… *poverty INCREASES* whenever a civilization becomes modernized – and enslaved. When people become enslaved, poverty increases, which forces them to stop having children. They don’t stop giving birth because they’re smarter and more educated now. They don’t stop having children because now they have an educated, global perspective about how overpopulated the world is. Instead, they stop having children because the modern lifestyle makes us poorer, and poorer, and poorer, as we are more and more completely enslaved, as we pay our taxes, as they nickel-and-dime us to death. I am beginning to believe that the people living in indigenous cultures are actually *wealthier* than the average people living in modern cultures. I’m referring to hunter-gatherers and nomads, people who don’t pay any property taxes and don’t ‘own’ the land they live on (which actually means that the government owns YOU).

This goes against everybody else’s interpretations, the interpretations in every book I’ve ever read. Everybody everywhere believes that modern life makes us richer and makes things easier. I guess that’s not entirely true – I *vaguely* recall some article I read where the person calculated the number of hours of labor required to go ‘hunting and gathering,’ and it was much, much less than the hours of labor required for us modern people to go to our jobs and pay our rent and our bills. But that’s the only person I ever saw who viewed it that way. Although, I vaguely recall that maybe somebody else somewhere expressed the opinion that the elderly people were better taken care of in a primitive culture, as they were physically healthier and didn’t suffer from chronic modern diseases or dementia, and they could depend on their families to keep providing food and a place to live. But overall, the general opinion is that modern people are wealthy.

There are some grains of truth to that. It’s possible to live with less physical danger. I don’t have to pole-vault onto a shark and drive my spear into it with the weight of my body, like I saw in the photograph of primitive people in Indonesia who were going fishing without modern equipment. It’s possible to live a life without those kinds of risks. There are very few bears wandering around in the woods (although there are a few, and I saw one a few years ago, and I’ve heard of a few incidents, and one time, a bear attacked my landlord’s rabbits and ripped open their metal cages and killed them).

So modern life might possibly be physically safer in some ways. We don’t worry about actually starving to death, although we *do* suffer from the malnutrition of ignorance.

And some things are easier to do with money – you can buy a plane ticket, instead of riding a kayak across the ocean. (But I might be able to just walk across the polar ice if I really want to get to Europe, and I can do that for free.)

But I am beginning to believe that in a moneyless culture, a subsistence hunter-gatherer culture, a nomadic culture where they don’t own the land, they are wealthier and have more resources and are thus able to afford to have far more children than we modern slaves could ever consider having.

I guess I need to start getting ready for work now.

But I will possibly take action to buy the bike sooner. I hadn’t realized just how pathetically bad my financial situation was, because I had gotten used to the feeling of having a lot of extra cash sitting around, and I mistakenly believed that I had earned that money myself, when actually most of it was probably the birthday and Christmas money, the ‘windfall,’ not real income. So I might talk to Dave. I’ll think about it. I just want to get this started. I AM SO SICK OF WAITING.