Archive for June, 2017

After Bello shooting, I can’t find the part of the paper towel ad that had “bello” written over and over again

June 30, 2017

I saw a Bounty paper towel ad over and over yesterday, every time I watched anything on my phone on youtube. It was extremely annoying and I could not click "skip ad." It showed "Despicable Me" minions printed on the towels at the very end of the ad, and the word "BELLO BELLO BELLO" flashing across it at high speed, although there seemed to be many other words that I could not catch. It turns out "bello" is a minion word. Well, today someone named Bello, a doctor, shot people and killed himself in a hospital in New York. I tried to find that same ad, but the part at the end with "bello" and other unreadable words IS GONE. The beginning of the ad is there, but I can’t find the fast scrolling part where the towels unwind, showing minions and "bello." It was like a subliminal message. It was too fast to see.

I don’t like the new “let it go” trend. Let’s not.

June 30, 2017

I have been hearing voices and experiencing attacks that I very strongly dislike, because they actually seem to be having the "intended" effect or explicit overt effect. The voices say "let it go" when I am attempting to do a good job on something. They attack me in such a way that I lose the desire to do a good job and am unconcerned about whether something is done right, even at times when the consequences could possibly be undesirable or dangerous. Let it go. Who cares about that sloppy shoddy job. Who cares. I don’t like this at all, especially because I have succumbed to it several times. Then I saw an advertisement on youtube with the words "let it go" (with a very old car from decades ago) in it, which indicates that somebody else knows that’s what the current trend is in the voices. "Don’t let it go" was Dagny Taggart. But there are reasons why this is different. Also, that was a different socionic quadra with different values. "Let it go" should not apply to FOOD SAFETY or to the minimum requirements of my job, on a day when I have enough physical and mental energy to do them with relatively little pain.

I need solutions

June 30, 2017

how to retrieve deleted messages? They used to have that feature. But now I don’t hear it among the options. Mom’s last call was being saved. I recorded it badly onto THIS phone but was gonna do it again. So I have it but not dad’s message from that time. And the quality is barely audible.

tracfone bastards/morons

June 30, 2017

thanks for deleting all my saved voicemails when you “upgraded,” tracfone

Landon Pigg – song I forgot about – Falling in love in a coffee shop

June 29, 2017

I turned the radio to a different station today, and heard a song I heard years ago but had lost. It turns out to be this incredible, angelic, super intense, heartbreaking song with the most beautiful creature singing it. It’s also in either 6/8 or 3/4, and I very much love beats of three. It is danceable. It has skip intervals and arpeggio like melodies, perhaps even too much of them, and perhaps not even enough dissonance or something, if that is even possible, so much sweetness and perfection it is almost too much. It has this muted humming suppression of gentle tones in the background not going into their pattern but instead staying low and waiting, then finishing the pattern later. It is somehow the ideal song, kind of like Carolyn’s Fingers by Cocteau Twins, but yet, somehow there has been more than one variation of the ultimate perfect song. It is too much perfect. Yet I cannot remember it. I remember struggling to recreate the melody and I wrote down fragments of words as I was going to hunt for it, but never found it. Today, however, I could just go look at the display on our Sirius XM and see the name and artist, then quickly add it to my collection on youtube – done. High density perfection.

I am sick with another unknown disease

June 29, 2017

My throat lymph nodes haven’t gone back to normal. I also have weird pains in random places, like on the outside of my left arm. I have absolutely no energy, and the caffeine stopped working, and the vitamins mostly stopped working. My lips have a mild tingle, which makes me cautious about using the vitamins anymore, although I’m using them once every couple days. I truly am exhausted and now have a bullshit list to do because we failed our inspection. I feel like I can barely stand up. I should go get tested for some stuff again.

Weston Price and Mercola have both jumped on the bandwagon of badly designed web pages that are unreadable

June 29, 2017

I noticed it on Mercola’s website not long ago – on the left and right sides, there are now these arrows going to the previous and next article, and those arrows COVER UP THE TEXT so that you can’t read it. I don’t know if there’s some other browser where this doesn’t happen, but you shouldn’t design a website so that it’s so finicky it can only be viewed by one particular browser.

Now, the Weston Price page has changed too! Now they have one of those ‘facebook shares’ links on the left side, which sticks out half an inch to the right and also goes almost the entire way up the side of the screen. I’m viewing this on a small netbook. You shouldn’t have to view websites on a huge screen to be able to view them. That ‘facebook share’ link also has a twitter icon, some weird-ass curvy S shaped thing that I’m not familiar with, a thing that might be a printer button, a plus sign which I assume is google, and an envelope which I guess means ‘to email.’ These are those horrible unlabeled icons, which you have to be psychic to understand unless you already know what they mean, because no text appears to explain what they are even if you hover over them. And they cover up the entire left side of the text. The only way I can read that page now is if I go to ‘view,’ ‘use style,’ ‘none’ up in my browser.

I HATE THIS. This is associated with shitty spam pages! This is the type of shit that pops up on google and gets in the way of REAL information whenever I’m trying to find something important. It has colorful pictures on it, and clunky things that take a long time to load.


Pre-ground coffee definitely doesn’t work well for me; also, I need vitamins made from real foods

June 28, 2017

I bought two packs of coffee, one of them whole beans that I have to grind myself, and one of them pre-ground. I used the pre-ground one for the first time this morning because I didn’t want to use a noisy grinder early in the morning while my roommate was here possibly sleeping or resting. I made enough coffee to last all day, so I’m still drinking it in the afternoon, and it definitely doesn’t work. I just felt more sleepy after drinking it. The freshly ground coffee was the one that made me able to do work in my room.

I need to get vitamins made from real foods, not synthetic vitamins. I believe that the synthetic vitamins deplete all the co-factors that are not included with the fake vitamins. This is like a ‘limiting reagent’ chemical reaction. You have tons and tons of fake ascorbic acid, for instance, but only a tiny little bit of the real cofactors that go along with it, which get all used up instantly. Then, as you continue to take the vitamins, after feeling slightly better than usual for a couple of days, you start to show actual symptoms of deficiency. I’ve been having tingling lips, for instance – tingling or numbness in anything at all is either vitamin poisoning or vitamin deficiency, both of which are so similar that you can hardly tell them apart – and the ‘depleted cofactor’ theory, or ‘limiting reagent’ theory, would explain this.

If I get vitamins made from vegetables, I don’t want tons and tons of cruciferous vegetables, which are goitrogenic. People who make vitamins are often actually very ignorant. They think they’re doing a good thing, but they’re actually doing a bad thing. They’re like, ‘Hey! We’ve got antioxidants!’ and meanwhile they’re poisoning you with goitrogens or something.

So I might browse a few websites to see what kind of vitamins extracted from real foods might be out there, but I’m expecting the worst. Also, meat-based vitamins are hard to find. There’s a supplier of organ meats in pills, and I bought thyroid from them one time, just to see if thyroid was helpful for me, but it was definitely extremely bad, and I was contaminated merely by touching the bottle, so I got rid of it. I couldn’t even sleep merely having the bottle in the tent with me. I would like to eat things like raw brains and raw organs that are non-hormonal organs, but I want them to be
parasite-free. Bacteria isn’t the problem, it’s parasites that are the real problem, with raw meat. Raw blood would also be helpful.

Meanwhile, for vegetables, I would like to eat leafy greens from plants that are not commonly used, such as wild growing weeds. I want them to be conveniently prepared for me because I am too tired to go out harvesting them, and it’s not worth the effort when the main sources of calories are from other things, not them. But I expect, if I go shopping for natural vitamins made from real foods, that it will be nothing but broccoli and kale, because everyone thinks those are superfoods.

The flyers, and the picnic tables full of people

June 27, 2017

I did end up taking a walk. My hip joints are extremely bad. My days of being able to walk are numbered. I took a walk, and for some reason felt like crying, which was unusual. I wondered if I had gotten contact with some residues while cleaning.

I could see the faraway clouds. While talking to myself, as much as possible, when people weren’t around, I whispered things – I had always wanted to fly, and that was all I ever wanted. Why was that so hard? Why couldn’t we fly? We need people who will break the law and get away with it, people who aren’t so stupid that they get themselves killed when their badly designed safety strap breaks and they fall, as I saw on a youtube video. Don’t fly your homemade flyer with shoddy safety straps that rip off under the pressure of the wind.

This is mundane technology that already exists. We only need to do it.

But in my dream, I fly easily with my body, lightly and quickly, not with some bulky, noisy engine. I fly up into the trees. Not just me alone – *we* fly. All of us. We are all together, in our group of friends, and we fly, to the trees, to the mountains, to the clouds.

I crossed the limit of disbelief when they suggested that we build cities in the clouds, using only our hands, and we sit down in them, like snow forts. I have never experienced manipulating matter with my hands, so I can’t see how it’s possible. Also, if I did experience that, I would want to rule out all other factors that could have caused it, such as external forces being operated by an artificial intelligence. Many ‘psychic’ phenomena that people believe they themselves are causing to happen are actually being created by attackers using weapons and technology to fool them into thinking the power comes from within, when it does not. They believe they themselves are controlling the experience, when it is actually being given to them by external controllers.

So I am extremely skeptical about any claims of psychic powers coming from within, of people manipulating matter psychically. It’s used to pass the blame on to us when they commit crimes – they want us to think we did them, when it was them.

But I went along with this pretending. And the word I used was ‘ineffable.’ When we are all together, and we fly up into the trees, and we see the sun shining a certain way like it was tonight, when the lights and colors look a certain way, when we’re together, there is this something, an ineffable feeling, something wonderful beyond words, something extremely important – being alive, being in love, being with friends, existing, loving how it feels to exist, being healthy, not being in pain, having energy. I think ineffable is the right word.

There is something important beyond all this, somewhere that we have to go. We’re going somewhere, and having a great adventure. There’s a goal. We’re going to explore someplace. But what is this wonderful thing we expect to find? Everything, and nothing. It is the wonderful amazement of every detail of every thing we see. We don’t know what it is, we don’t know what it will be like, until it happens.

This immersion, this being totally in the moment, existed in my childhood and was gradually destroyed as I got older – partly because electromagnetic fields became ubiquitous and unavoidable. You can’t be in the moment when electromagnetic energy is constantly disrupting your body nonstop.

But there is, and there was, a world where it wasn’t like that. You would be in the moment. We were bonding together. Bonding was wonderful. We had friends, we loved each other, we communicated deeply, we explored our own minds and our own souls, every nuance of them.

And I was also imagining picnic tables. Picnic tables full of people. Just simple picnic tables, for the love of god. Why is that so hard? What is it about a picnic table that is so impossible? What kind of expensive high technology is involved in providing a picnic table and making a meal, every day, or a couple times a week, and making sure that everyone in the entire apartment complex is invited to this meal, outdoors, in the grassy center area? All the apartment complexes need this. Just this. Big picnic tables full of people eating every day. It’s nothing! It’s so easy! It’s so cheap! It’s so mundane. Nothing is required. People would know each other. People would see each other, and sit out in the sun, and children and pets would run around in the grass. It would be so easy. Why isn’t this being done?

Intentional communities – you shouldn’t even *have to* build an intentional community to get these things. They should be the norm, everywhere.

I am a machine on caffeine

June 27, 2017

5:36 PM 6/27/2017

Yesterday, I bought a coffeemaker again. I had one briefly when I lived at the Youngs’ house. I threw it away, partly because I was moving into my tent, and partly because I wanted to quit coffee – I always have wanted to quit it again.

But the caffeine pills aren’t helping enough – they really don’t work very well at all. There is something missing from them, something which is present in real coffee.

So I am freshly grinding my own coffee beans right before using them, which I’ve never done before. I bought a little grinder. All of this, sadly, is temporary – I sincerely want to get into a position where I won’t use any caffeine at all. But while I am being poisoned by unknown substances and EMFs here, and while it’s urgent for me to move out, I *have to* clean up this room and get my stuff moved someplace, and I can’t do that while constantly sleeping.

So, this coffee is actually working. It’s giving me a kind of joyless, resigned productivity. It is effective. I am not happy – I am kind of an aggressive robot who is looking at the world in a sharp, fierce way, even though the world outside this window is full of beautiful colors and wind blowing. It should be a day for a walk – but I am a machine. I do work.

I have actually cleaned up a significant amount of the huge mess on my floor. I can visibly see a big difference. It’s not done, but I’m taking a break. A very big difference has been made.

I forgot about the horse riding dream. Then, complaints about belly fat.

June 26, 2017

I was riding on a horse-like creature, which might have been a camel, on the side of the road. I also had Jacob on the camel with me. The camel had these ropes attached to its halter, not like the usual reins that I was used to. This might have been inspired by seeing Hannah’s facebook page, because she traveled to a couple places recently, including Egypt, where she rode a camel. I was also staring at the image on the Camel cigarettes yesterday. They have an older version of the box, which is much prettier, and a new boring version of the box, which is ugly. Every once in a while, people request the old box, which is actually a little more expensive.

I’ll have to complain separately about how much I hate the whole way we handle cigarettes at work, the entire cigarette phenomenon. But I’ve gotten used to it, so I don’t think about it as much as I did when I first started working there.

Anyway, in this dream, I rode this camel a short way along the road. I was doing this for a reason – I was going to move somewhere else. I was actually using the camel as a pack animal to move my belongings, like a nomad. The Bedouin is the name I was trying to think of, but apparently I’ve had a stroke, because I could not remember the word, and I also couldn’t remember the word ‘Arabic,’ which I was going to use to search for the word ‘Bedouin.’ (Note, nothing else happened – I woke up. I just noticed that I changed the subject and started talking about a million other things without mentioning that there was nothing more to the dream.)

I tried to say ‘Arabic’ and kept getting ‘Aryan’ in the mind controllers’ autocorrect or autofill. The autofill phenomenon is an extremely annoying attack that they do to me, where if I’m struggling to recall a word, they fill in a similar word which is wrong, over and over again, and won’t stop doing it. Then they force me to do google searches for this thing, over and over, usually the same words. I went years and years and years unable to remember the name ‘Frieda Kahlo’ no matter how many times I googled her, no matter how many times I tried to remember her – the artist who is known for having a visible mustache that she didn’t remove. So I would have to actually do these google searches for ‘Mexican female artist with a mustache’ if I wanted to find her name. Every.Single.Time.

It actually is possible I had a stroke. I have a gigantic black bruise on the right side of my leg. This indicates that I have eaten rancid oils. It happened when I took a pill of fish oil, along with a pill of vitamin E oil, years and years ago. Those two pills together – I don’t know which one was mainly responsible – gave me bruises all over my entire body, and caused me to limp to the side because one of my legs was weak as though I’d had a stroke. So something has given me a mini-stroke. Maybe it’s the spoiled milk that made me sick? It may have spoiled fat as well. I also noticed that the fat went directly to my rear end the very first time I drank this milk after going several days without milk at home.

I really want to continue experimenting with a diet. This belly fat appeared in the summer of 2016, during several other events. I will try to remember them all, once again. What were the factors that might have triggered this sudden onset intractable belly fat that just won’t go away?

1. I strongly suspect it’s because I accepted an alcoholic drink at Kaarma. They had alcoholic milk, sour raita or something. I was accepting drinks from them as a gift, and usually it was just the mango lassi or whatever. (I was about to write ‘latte,’ and then realized the word ‘latte’ was similar enough to ‘lassi’ that they might have the same origins.) I was a teetotaller my whole life and never drank anything, except individual sips of communion wine at church, and maybe two individual sips of someone else’s beer or drink just to taste it. These were ONE SIP AT A TIME. But the drink I took at Kaarma, I drank quite a few sips of it before finally deciding that it was definitely alcohol and I definitely didn’t want it. I just wasn’t quite sure at first. Alcohol causes a beer gut. I would not be surprised to find that you get a permanent, irreversible, intractable beer gut from a single drink. After all, during alcohol withdrawal, the brain experiences permanent brain damage from repeatedly quitting and restarting alcohol, and you get the delirium tremens. There’s something about permanent damage caused by withdrawal itself. I don’t understand how it works. Permanent damage to the brain would also correlate to permanent belly fat.

2. I bought the hopniss plants. They are a protease inhibitor. I reacted badly to the hopniss tubers when they were delivered – they made me almost vomit. They caused some contamination. I spent some time around the hopniss plants trying to get used to them, and gradually I didn’t react as badly when they were growing. But maybe my body permanently stored the tiny traces of protease inhibitor in my fat – protease inhibitors do, in fact, cause belly fat. It’s a known side effect.

3. I kissed a fat guy. There was that guy, Mark, who was an ENFP, but we didn’t really get together for a lot of reasons. I won’t tell the whole story now. Suffice it to say, I kissed him a few times, enough to possibly absorb some of his gut bacteria. Or maybe even I made microchimeras of his DNA (I just read another article about that). Who knows. I got fat around that time. They say fat is contagious, and I believe it *literally* is contagious, although I had always assumed that was because of transdermal drug residues or transdermal heavy metal residues or some other form of poisoning and
contamination, and hadn’t really thought of gut bacteria or, heaven forbid, microchimeras in the brain.

4. I also have worse and worse hip joints, so I really, really can’t exercise at all. I can’t exert myself the slightest bit while walking or biking. I avoid all exercise even more than ever, and my only hope was going to be swimming, but this pesticide-filled apartment has made me so chronically fatigued that I never got around to doing all the swimming I had hoped to do while living right next to the YMCA. I also never did any sewing while here.

5. I thought maybe I ate arsenic from eating all the chicken all the time at Kaarma, but actually, their chicken was probably better quality than that – it was Halal. So it probably wasn’t arsenic from the chicken. And I’ve eaten chicken with arsenic in it all my life. It just seemed like I ate nothing but chicken every day when I was there. Still, that’s probably not the cause of the sudden onset intractable belly fat.

6. I actually wrote a list with several other hypothetical fat triggers, but I can’t remember them all.

7. A visitor came to the Youngs’ house, and I think he might have been on psychiatric meds. I’ve explained it many times before, but, your drugs get excreted through your skin, and they are partially metabolized, so they are in a form that actually still works as a drug. So you have this active, effective drug all over your skin, which washes into the bathtub and gets on the floor. It also gets all over your clothing and your bedsheets. I know this because I have done it multiple times with St. John’s Wort. The only way to fix it is total decontamination. I would suddenly get rid of my SJW-induced chronic fatigue if I would buy new bedsheets and new clothes. It doesn’t wash out. The same happened when I kissed a guy years ago who was on psychiatric meds. I had to completely get rid of the clothing I wore that day – it was making me fat, and I suddenly lost the weight when I threw the clothes in the garbage and bought new ones. It cannot be washed out of clothing. I tried. I tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, and tried, for years, and years, and years, and years, with my huge decontamination disaster that started in 2008. IT… DOESN’T… WORK.

Anyway, I would’ve gotten this drug on me from the bathtub. During my decon, I found that the bathtub had to be thoroughly scrubbed with *abrasive* scrubbing powder, or it would still have drugs on it.

I have clothes which I’ve had for a while, and oh, I have to get my coat from Aunt Jeannie! I’ve owned my black hoodie for a while. It’s definitely contaminated.

I have to do a decon, and then move to a city where nobody knows me, because drugged mind control puppets come up and give me hugs or get in my way after I do a decon, and no, this isn’t funny at all. I do a decon and want to remain clean, but the mind controllers want me to constantly have unavoidable traces of tobacco and psychiatric meds and other poisons on me, and they think it’s funny to play this little joke over and over again. I’ll take a shower, and put on perfectly clean clothes, and they’ll force a puppet to go and smoke cigarettes right in front of the place where I have to go, and force them to have a conversation with me. I’m not struggling to avoid tobacco as much as I used to, but ideally I still want to avoid all tobacco, which means I need to move to a town where not only do they forbid alcohol, they must also forbid all smoking. There are actually towns where alcohol is illegal. I need towns where smoking is illegal too. But alas, how will anyone be a good slave if they can’t smoke tobacco? Tobacco is the tool of slavery! It makes people much, much, much better at doing their slave jobs. It makes a *huge* difference in how willing people are to do slave work. If tobacco is illegal, millions upon millions of people will suddenly realize that they hate their jobs passionately with ever fiber of their bodies and souls. Then they will want to change.

Anyway, I’ve forgotten all of the long list of possible triggers for the sudden onset intractable belly fat that won’t go away no matter what. It was actually a longer list.

dream – a storm, and the air traffic controllers

June 26, 2017

8:57 AM 6/26/2017

Of course I don’t remember all of the dreams. But in the middle of the night, I was whimpering out loud, or at least I thought I was, but maybe I wasn’t actually whimpering as loud as it seemed like I was.

I was in another house, not this one, visiting. I was looking down the hallway in the darkness, and from around a corner there was an entity approaching. It was darkness, darker than the surrounding area, and there were flashes of lightning. It was about to come around the corner, but I still couldn’t really see it yet and I don’t know if it could see me or if it knew I was there.

I started whimpering for help, and a woman rushed down the hall to talk to me in my room. She was a therapist, and she had a name tag or something, I’m not sure where I read her name, but it was ‘Cabela Caballo’ or something like that. There are a couple reasons why that was in there. I was listening to some Spanish-Mexicans-Guatemalans – I don’t know exactly where they were from, although they were taller and bigger than the Guatemalans from Kaarma, so they were probably Mexicans – they always come into the store where I work because they are construction workers next door to us. One of them said ‘caballo’ amongst his other words, or it sounded like that, and I know that word is ‘horse.’ Judith Swack was a therapist that I talked to over the phone, and she was associated with the onset of some of my mind control phenomena, so they might have actually been referring to ‘The Cabal,’ the group of people controlling the world.

This therapist seemed nice though, and she wasn’t like Judith Swack, but she didn’t talk to me for very long. Then she was gone, and it looked like the entity was continuing to move down this hallway, so I started whimpering again and woke up.

Later I went back to sleep and had more dreams. In one, I was a bird, or rather, I was able to fly by flapping my arms. I didn’t feel like I was small and light, I felt like I was my usual size, so I wasn’t a bird. I was flapping my arms and flying up to a very high place. There were a couple people there, or ‘birds,’ who were just floating or hovering, maybe with antigravity – they seemed to be doing it effortlessly. They were open and exposed at these tables or something, with nothing around them, just sitting out in the air in the middle of the sky, and it looked like tables, with papers and pencils and things on them, or that’s what I thought, and maybe headphones. I thought they were ‘air traffic controllers’ and I thought they might have gotten up there by circling on an updraft like hawks.

I was trying to fly up to them because I had to ask them a favor or something. I had to ask something. I was going to fly a plane and I needed permission to do something. I had flown a plane earlier in the dream, but had some problems that I don’t really remember. I’m trying to remember what happened but I can’t.

So I had to fly up to them, and it looked like there were either two people, or two birds, up there, casually sitting someplace, like on floating chairs at a floating desk or something. They seemed to have absolutely no fear of falling and they also seemed to be expending no effort to stay up there.

Meanwhile, I had to flap my arms really hard just to get up as high as they were, and it took extreme effort to go so high. It was almost as bad as swimming a long distance. I was flapping my arms desperately just to get there and just to keep from falling, and I had to ask them a question, while doing this, and trying not to fall. I don’t remember what my question was – it was just something like, ‘Can I get permission to fly a plane somewhere?’

I did actually want to go on a vacation in real life, but I’m not happy about putting Jacob in the cargo hold. I would have to actually do a ‘vacation’ and come back, and leave Jacob somewhere at home for a while.

I don’t think they even answered me, though. They seemed like they were listening on their headphones and not listening to me because I was trying to talk directly to them. Finally, I gave up and just started to let myself fall and glide back down. I wasn’t really falling badly like I was going to crash, but just dropping out of the air in a somewhat controlled way. They were up at the level of the tops of skyscrapers. I just remembered seeing some skyscrapers nearby. Or, they were just above them, but near them.

If I took Jacob on a plane, I’d have to be absolutely sure it was okay, and actually, I don’t trust those TSA retards – I just read yet another story where somebody in the TSA did something stupid, I just don’t recall what it was. When they need to hire people, they scrape the lowest rejects off the floor of the garbage dump and/or people who would have otherwise gone to prison but made a deal to work for the TSA instead. (I don’t know if that really happens.)

Hawks go so high by circling on updrafts. They find them, and then they soar, without flapping their wings, but they are designed to do that. Other birds are not really designed for that, so they would have to flap a whole lot to get up that high.

Music book; an unwritten tragedy

June 25, 2017

I’m at work but still sick. The other day I did the first assignment in William Russo’s "Composing Music" book. The first assignment mentions someone named Edrevol, who is the leader of a warlike tribe called the Lorac. Both of those looked like something spelled backwards. I googled her, and she’s actually a music teacher or something at the school where they’re using that book. I’m glad to know a school uses it in their curriculum. I love the book so much.

I already went through that book a few years ago, using Propellerheads Reason, but there’s no limit to how many times you can do it. And I’m using MuseScore now, which is free, and it puts it into sheet music. That prevents me from being distracted by all the technical gadgets in Reason, so I focus on the song itself. I want to do another song right now but I’m at work.

I meditated on lyrics for a song. It would be *extremely* restricted. I did 8 lines, and they must rhyme, and I might even use a fixed number of syllables.

I think I must use my socionic weak functions – emotions – to write lyrics. I need to express feelings that are very vulnerable and I need to be taken seriously. I have a terrible tragedy, but no one wants to read a tragedy or listen to a tragic song. I wouldn’t! I hate tragedies! But the tragedy of Matthew is what I want to express.

socionics: Dark Journalist and Corey Goode

June 25, 2017

I’m watching a little bit of the ‘Dark Journalist’ video, although I can’t watch it all, and I’m really sick and I’m gonna lie down before work… but I feel as though this guy, Derrick Faust, is an ESFP, the socionic supervisor of INFJ (which I think Corey Goode is). They’re both complaining about how that guy who’s like a ‘cook’ (probably an ESTJ, Corey’s dual) is providing money and helping them make it profitable. ‘Dark Journalist’ might possibly be an INTP, then – just theoretically – I don’t know yet. I’m sure socionics explains why these people are disillusioned. I am not really absorbing this because I’m sick – I’m wondering if it’s that milk I bought yesterday that’s making me so sick.

ugh, I am now so sick I almost want to call off work

June 25, 2017

Not sure what it is. I had diarrhea a while ago. I took a shower and after the shower my energy level is just going lower and lower. I feel sort of like throwing up. I have to work at 3:00 today. I might just call a taxi to take me to work because I don’t feel like riding my bike. I want to take a nap.

Lol, neutrons decay into another neutron, was that like a Freudian slip?; a chemical exposure yesterday

June 25, 2017

I fixed a typo. I said a neutron decays into another neutron. That would be funny. That would be like infinitely spawning neutrons. Hey, maybe there ARE infinitely spawning neutrons that decay into other neutrons. That’s sort of like that curse in the Harry Potter bank when they were trying to get the Hufflepuff cup. What was that called? I forget… The Gemino curse (googled it).

I actually had a chemical exposure yesterday that could explain why I was in a loony mood. I had this cat food that was left over in Jacob’s bowl, and it smelled really bad, and my roommate sprayed some perfume outside the door. I got rid of the cat food. But I think I reacted to the perfume or whatever it was she sprayed. I was lying in bed, and when I woke up in the morning, my whole body was numb from head to toe, although it wasn’t as severe as being paralyzed, it was more like a burning tingling cold numbness. I know that feeling – I used to get it by sleeping in the hotel where they had some kind of air freshener inside the air conditioner fan so that it would blow out febreze or perfume or something into the whole room.

I’m still not sure why I have painful lymph nodes on my neck. I don’t actually have a painful tooth abscess, although there are teeth that are badly broken that could be infected, but they don’t actually hurt. I’ve only had this for the last couple days. It’s only on one side.

I enjoy trolling the physicists. It helps me to imagine being extremely disrespectful to the entire study of physics, and to imagine making fun of all their sacred beliefs. Physics is a religion. There are many alternative theories that have been discarded over the years, which actually hold some merit and are worth thinking about. There are also many, many discarded technologies that have been forgotten. I have an RSS feed for a blog which really isn’t active anymore, but has some interesting old posts, called ‘Low Tech Magazine.’ They talk about all the amazing things that can be done with *lower* technology, rather than higher technology.

For example, a long time ago, people used water to power their tools in the house. They had water pipes which were pressurized and intended to be used for tools, not for drinking. This was a commonplace thing and was taken for granted as normal. How many people remember that? All kinds of things like that are in that blog.

Oh, there ARE free neutrons, but they’re ‘unstable?’

June 25, 2017

If they are free, they’re unstable, and they decay into a proton, an electron, and an ‘antineutrino.’ Oh, woowoo, I’ll just make up another new particle because I can’t figure out what’s happening when a neutron decays!

Why would neutrons be unstable if they’re neutral? Why would neutrons be made out of a single proton and a single electron? Obviously, those are what results from electrons colliding into protons. Electrons crash into the nucleus all the time, forming neutrons when they hit the protons. But alas, woe is me, if there aren’t any, quote, ‘antineutrinos’ anywhere nearby, they can’t form a neutron? So then what do they do? They just sit there bubbling and waiting for antineutrinos to come along so they can make a neutron?

What on earth does the ‘Neutron Dance’ have to do with neutrons, anyway? I never thought about it before until now. Maybe they learned about neutrons and thought that neutrons must feel really frustrated just being stuck inside the nucleus all the time unable to do anything. They just have to sit there in a cramped little space, crowded with all the other protons and neutrons.

I can’t really type and ‘channel imaginary friends’ at the same time. Yesterday I did that thought process while I was away from the computer, until I had so much stuff I had to write it down or I was going to forget it.

If a proton and electron are trying to merge, but can’t, then these electrons are still sitting there in the ‘plum pudding’ type of atom. Then more electrons are still trying to join with the protons because they haven’t formed a neutron yet. Where do those antineutrinos come from? Are there loose antineutrinos just walking the earth looking for something to do?

Also, why aren’t there millions of neutrons just rolling around everywhere?

June 25, 2017

That was the other question I thought of (while ‘channeling’ some unknown imaginary friend who was talking to me). If neutrons even exist outside the atom, what happens to them? Why aren’t there free neutrons just rolling around everywhere doing nothing? And why are neutrons just viewed as unimportant and uninteresting? Nobody is a Neutron Specialist. Nobody gets a degree in Neutronology. Only protons and electrons are viewed as important. Nobody is making a Neutron Gun that shoots you with neutrons. (I’ll google ‘neutron gun’ as soon as I finish this.)

The fundamental laws of physics are all wrong

June 24, 2017

9:09 PM 6/24/2017

So, I’m thinking strange thoughts.

I’ll just spit it out. Then I’ll explain afterwards.

Electrons crash into protons all the time, just like planets crashing into the sun. We don’t know they did, because they don’t leave any evidence after they get melted into the sun.

The electrons don’t have a charge equal to the proton. Why would they? Duh. They are much smaller and have a much less charge. Millions of electrons go crashing into the protons, like neodymium magnets snapping together into a big pile. They start piling up, like sperm surrounding an egg, all over the proton. Gradually, they start to reduce its positive charge.

After a while, after a sufficient number of electrons have piled up on the proton, the farthest out electrons are sort of more weakly attached. They are more negative. The ones in towards the center, however, are more neutralized. They are the ‘neutrons,’ which don’t exist.

Somebody somewhere decided that the ‘charge’ of an electron just happens to coincidentally be exactly equal and opposite to the charge of a proton. Why on earth would it be? They’re two totally different things. Why would they somehow be perfectly opposed to each other?

So, somebody couldn’t understand why protons and neutrons are sticking together in the nucleus. So, what did they do? They just made up a new force, or something! Derp de derr! If you don’t understand how something works, the solution is to just make up a new force to explain it! Then, nobody ever uses that force because it’s esoteric and unimportant and it has no applications to anything. They all just kind of ignore it and pretend it’s not there and don’t worry about it. We don’t ever really need to learn about that one. It’s called ‘The Unimportant Force.’

Protons and neutrons stick together in the nucleus because there is no such thing as neutrons. Those are actually lots of electrons clustered in a huge pile. They have areas of stronger, or weaker, positive and negative charge. It depends on how piled up they are.

So maybe they sort of get bumped or bounced off, but they fall back down, all the time. Those are the ‘electron shells.’

So, what if there are ‘tests’ that show that something called a ‘neutron’ exists?

And if it’s all like this for the nucleus, what about neutrinos and other small particles? How weird do you think it gets?

How exactly do you determnine that a ‘neutron’ even exists? What were the tests, and what did they see?

What is this ‘sea of energy’ that supposedly zero point energy comes from? Why on earth would that explain why electrons don’t crash into the nucleus? Why wouldn’t you assume they *do* crash into the nucleus, all the time? Residual EMF? That just *sounds* fake and made-up. Somebody couldn’t explain something, so they just made up this random-ass thing called ‘Residual So-And-So.’ And there was some other force besides that one which also was said to have ‘residual’ forces.

Just calling it ‘residual’ sounds like it’s just screaming ‘Unable To Explain.’ I can’t explain it, so I’ll either call it ‘Residual Something,’ or else just make up a whole new force to explain it.

It’s possible to keep on using theories that have huge mistakes in them. For example, socionics Model A. Model A isn’t perfect, but it’s good enough to kind of explain some things, just not all things. It explains things in your own quadra and the opposite quadra, but it doesn’t explain the neighboring quadras properly. That’s why I use a 16 component model, to explain my interactions with Alpha and Gamma.

But if it’s possible to keep using the socionics theory even though it has big mistakes in it, and just kind of avoid and overlook and ignore those mistakes most of the time, or rationalize them somehow, then what about physics? Why would physics be any different? Why couldn’t you find ‘workarounds’ to explain all the imperfections and theories that didn’t quite work the way you think they should? You can just say ‘We don’t normally have to worry about that little thing, because it isn’t useful for anything that we need to do.’

What were the alternatives, in the past, while this was being discovered, the alternatives to the theory of the existence of ‘neutrons?’ Who else was thinking about this? What were the old theories that got discarded? Who ‘proved’ that ‘neutrons exist?’ Who ‘measured’ the ‘mass’ or ‘weight’ of a ‘neutron?’

Imagine if we were talking about tools, and I said there were four fundamental forces: the hammer force, the wrench force, the screwdriver force, and the knife force. All those forces seem to do different, specific things, but that’s only because they are tools with different shapes. All of them are just some kind of mechanical force.

Well, what if the other ‘fundamental forces’ are analogous to that? We just can’t really see what’s going on because it’s too small. There are some kind of ‘tools’ down there, so small that we can’t see them, doing things that we can’t understand. So we say there’s the ‘electromagnetic force,’ which is some weird clusterfuck of
electricity and magnetism going into perpendicular planes at the same time. What the fuck? Why even? Why do you have a whole bunch of stuff just all clumped together like that, and call that whole thing all together a ‘force?’ That sounds like, I dunno, a screwdriver or something. It might seem to be moving things in different directions, but in reality, it’s all just mechanical force, but it does something special because of the shape of the tool.

Then, to add insult to injury, we say that some kind of ‘residual EM force’ is the explanation for some *other* weird stuff that we can’t understand! Does that just sound all patched-together and made-up, or what? That’s totally lacking elegance.

I wiped off some imaginary fucking dirt today

June 24, 2017

I wiped the gas pumps with a towel, which was on the busywork list from the higher-ups. But I refuse to cross it off the list. It’s so trivial you have to use a magnifying glass to know if it was done or not. If it’s visible at all, to anyone, they’ll know it was done even if I don’t cross it off the list. I want to see if anybody actually notices that it was done, if anyone can even SEE that an invisible layer of dirt was wiped off.