Archive for September, 2016

blatantly negative

September 30, 2016

I took a test, and it’s totally, completely negative. There is not even the slightest, faintest sign of a second line. Just one line. Now all I have to do is wait a couple days and I’ll get my period.

What makes this even more frustrating is that I don’t have a long term lover / boyfriend / husband cooperating with me on this project, just some guy who was barely reachable, didn’t speak English, and now, has allegedly moved out of the state and gone to West Virginia (if he was telling the truth).

I really DO have to make all the special preparations, eat the good diet for a year before conceiving, and have my life together, and have a husband, in order for this to work. I totally, completely, cannot get pregnant even when I have totally unprotected sex with ejaculation before or during my ovulation. It totally does not matter at all.

I do have a second test, but they’re expensive, so I won’t take it. I will wait for my period to start in the next few days.

If the period doesn’t start, then, I am having a miscarriage, which has happened before. It was a long time ago. I kept missing my period, and taking pregnancy tests, but all were negative. Finally, after about a month or two without a period, suddenly I had a yucky, bad smelling, brown stuff come out of me during my period, and then it went back to normal. The body was attempting a pregnancy and trying to prevent menstruation, but the baby was dead and it never grew enough to continue. That is probably what’s happening now.

I need someone who will do this with me. I need everything – I need food, I need my own house, I need subsistence, I need true love, I need my dual. But it has to be a dual that I can stand.

nausea during the night

September 30, 2016

I was trying not to throw up last night, and ate ginger. This is almost as strong of a confirmation as a pregnancy test would be. The tests are expensive, which is why I cannot buy them and start using them as much as I want to. I hope I can get my paycheck problem straightened out quickly – I should have a couple hundred dollars more than that. Then I might buy another batch of tests. I think if I have enough hormones to start feeling like I’m going to throw up, then I have enough hormones to do a test effectively. Someone online said you can order cheap tests online, but it’s too late now – if I had ordered them weeks ago that would have worked, but now, I’m only going to need to take one or two tests and I’m pretty sure I’m going to see a positive result.

After that, I cannot know how long it will live.

I need to get out of this house, but if I am so exhausted as I was yesterday, I won’t be able to get anything done. Also, why are we having so much trouble hiring people? Do I have to write a craigslist ad for them myself? I don’t know if they have an ad at all yet. They might not want ‘craigslist-type’ people, who are usually unreliable. Craigslist job hunters are crazy.

I also need to get food stamps. I can’t get the lawbreaking sociopath to put it in writing that he paid me $400 a week, and the worthless lazy apathetic government employee who is my case worker is impossible to reach, and never in the office when I go there in the afternoon because he can go home as early as he pleases.

I need a mineral supplement and seriously do want to try clay, which I will at least apply topically to my skin. The minerals do go through the skin.

I have been spending a lot of time passively watching videos and looking at photos online because I didn’t feel good yesterday, had no energy, and was becoming nauseated. So I watched a documentary about the people who live in the trash dumps of Guatemala. They still look healthier and happier than the children of the USA in my opinion, but oh well.

clouded leopard spots look photoshopped

September 29, 2016

One thing led to another. I was just reading random things on the internet, and I ended up watching a video where the female president of South Korea gave a speech to the US Congress. The video was long and boring and eventually I stopped watching it, but I noticed that some of the women in the audience were wearing leopard printed clothes and scarves. I have always associated leopard prints with
prostitution. I googled leopard printed clothes/skirts/scarves and saw images of very little girls dressed in miniskirts and wearing sunglasses with hairstyles intended to make them look like tiny adults. With the sunglasses on, you could not see their childish big eyes, so they looked like strangely deformed midget women. These photos came up as results under the leopard print search.

Anyway, so then I started looking at real leopards, and I saw the clouded leopard. I am having a moment where I might believe in the divine creation of life, because it’s hard to imagine how on earth such a coat pattern could have evolved by accident. It looks like it was photoshopped. The clouded leopard has these three-dimensional holes all over its body, or they could be interpreted as rocks, but they look more like they are sunken inwards to me. The dark shadow of the hole is always towards the rear end of the leopard, and the light side is always towards the front. This three dimensional look is far more advanced than the cartoon-like print of normal leopards and jaguars.

I associate this print with ‘trypophobia’ or whatever it is, the fear of hole patterns. I think it benefited humans when they were walking in the savannas of Africa. They would have rightfully feared seeing something with a hole pattern if they were about to be eaten by a leopard.

*********
Weird, vivid dreams that are more easily remembered afterwards: a symptom of pregnancy…. I have been having more dreams than usual.

dream of cameras watching me

September 29, 2016

I forgot about this dream until just now, when I read a facebook post from an LSE-ESTj forum friend, which said that ‘smart’ devices, household appliances connected to the internet, were being hacked into and were participating in a huge, gigantic denial of service attack in the order of 1 Tbps of internet traffic.

That suddenly made me remember a dream. I dreamed that there were cameras around my bed which I suddenly discovered. They were inside the end of the blanket on each end of the bed and they were watching me masturbate and recording it. I had some unexplained arousal – yesterday? I can’t remember now. I keep forgetting what day it is because I am working such long hours at my job. I actually wondered if masturbation would have a harmful effect on the baby, but I’m guessing most likely not. That’s something natural, not unnatural.

I don’t know why the dreams are suddenly memorable. People say they have weird dreams during pregnancy.

pyriproxyfen added to drinking water in Brazil causes microcephaly

September 29, 2016

It’s not just pesticides or herbicides being sprayed on crops. It’s being added directly to the drinking water. People are DRINKING IT. The goal of the pesticide is to prevent baby mosquitoes from forming properly, but the effect it has is to prevent baby humans from forming properly. For some reason, people have this mistaken idea that if a chemical has some effect on one particular species, it only affects that species and no other species. Or if a disease afflicts some species, it won’t afflict any other species. Diseases and chemicals are not that specific – they tend to affect all different species to some extent in some way, often very similarly. Thyroid hormone in fish, they say, is still molecularly similar to thyroid hormone in humans. Many other things are analogous to that. If it prevents fetal development in mosquitoes, then it’s affecting fetal development in humans. If the gypsy moth spray interferes with the digestive system of the gypsy moth, then it interferes with the digestive system of humans (as I know from personal experience).

reading a story and judging a forum member as a moron

September 29, 2016

I’m definitely blaming the victim. This person is SO FUCKING STUPID, and yet, I know she is a victim. She is a victim of mainstream medicine. I was reading about people in the forum who had
miscarriages or the baby died sometime later in the pregnancy. I’m not going to go into all the details of this story, but suffice it to say, this woman’s babies were being murdered by a sociopath, and she just kept going back to that sociopath for more murders, please and thanks for all the murders.

So this lady had several babies who were premature and died. Or I think they died – maybe some were born premature and lived. I don’t know what caused those to happen because the story didn’t go back that far, but I am going to assume that it was probably malpractice that caused those to happen, too.

So she was going to the doctor and the doctor told her he (or she? I don’t know) was going to give her a steroid shot to ‘strengthen the baby’s lungs’ just in case it was going to be born premature. Then, she was supposed to go in the next day for an additional shot of steroids.

On that first night after the shot, she went into labor, prematurely. SURPRISE! That certainly had NOTHING TO DO WITH going to a doctor and getting a shot of steroids! So she started losing the baby that very minute, and after some runaround and blah blah blah (I stopped really reading the story after that), she gave birth to a dead baby. This all happened because of going to the doctors in the first place and getting mysterious unexplained shots during pregnancy.

*******
There was another similar story of medical malpractice causing infertility. One woman said she had a ‘miracle pregnancy,’ and I was curious to see why. She said she had PCOS, polycystic ovary syndrome, which allegedly makes it harder to get pregnant. I don’t have a lot of information about this and I don’t know what causes it. I always assume it’s nutritional, but yet, some things are caused by other factors and/or deformities which you can’t fix after they happen – deformities are permanent and will cause problems forever even if you have good nutrition. So I don’t know.

Well, she said she went on vacation and STOPPED TAKING HER MEDS. She said she was taking medicines for PCOS while attempting (and failing) to conceive. The medicines allegedly were supposed to help her with her PCOS somehow, or help her conceive somehow. Whenever she STOPPED TAKING HER MEDS during this vacation, SHE SUDDENLY GOT PREGNANT, AND IT’S A MIRACLE! SURPRISE! A miracle of medical malpractice yet again!

Here I am, impatiently waiting through my two weeks until I can do the pregnancy tests. I am observing every little symptom and I still don’t know. I could still get my period. I am so impatient, and all I can do is read and learn from others. What I keep learning confirms what I already know, which is that millions of people are total morons and morons always go to the doctors for maximum medical care during pregnancy. Don’t be a moron – stay away from the doctor if you want your baby to live.

Another lady said she was an expat living in South Africa. She said that she had a previous Cesarean section. She got pregnant again, and had some kind of problem, I forget what, and I guess it was during birth? her Cesarean scars ruptured, because duh, after somebody slices your belly open and cuts through all the muscles and tissues they will never be the same again, and scar tissue is not very strong or stretchy and it cannot stand a lot of pressure. So, there was a rupture of the scars and the baby ended up dead, after a long bunch of blah blah blah happened. She said, this is the fault of Africa – if only I had been closer to civilization, then I could have gotten more medical attention and my baby would have lived. I see it in reverse – if she had been farther away from modern civilization, she never would have gotten a Cesarean in the first place for the previous birth, would not have any scars to rupture, would have routinely given birth naturally, and would have had a perfectly healthy alive baby the second time.

Here I am judging and blaming others as morons when their babies die. Will my baby die? I have no idea. I am only using a couple of techniques to keep it alive – stop caffeine, don’t use any drugs at all, don’t use any over-the-counter drugs, don’t get any shots, stay 500 miles away from all doctors and all nurses for any reason, even if I get in a bus accident and all of my limbs are severed from my body don’t even go to the doctor then, because they will still find a way to kill the baby. I’d prefer to also have good nutrition but I have little control over my diet due to the chaos right now.

And to top it all off I have much less money than expected. Something went wrong with my paycheck. Only $155 for working all those hours??? That’s less than the previous paycheck, which was >$300 something.

I can only wait… and wait… each day takes forever and I still get no closer to that day in October when I will be able to do a test.

It’s frustrating to read a forum full of morons. I can read the ‘natural birth’ section, though, and the ‘natural parenting’ section. Some of that should be not too bad. But even so I find myself disagreeing with them a lot of times too. I remember reading an ‘attachment parenting’ blog post one time, only to find that this person practicing ‘attachment parenting’ was still SWADDLING her baby – that means, tying it up with strips of fabric so tightly that it cannot move. What the fuck? That is fucking insane. Also, a lot of these ‘natural parents’ who practice ‘babywearing’ are doing it wrong – they put the baby facing forward away from the body, which means its legs are hanging in an unnatural position, putting strain on the back, causing it to arch its back and everything is so stupidly, horribly, ridiculously wrong, and these are the ‘natural parents’ who I’m supposed to agree with. Just because they call themselves natural parents or attachment parents doesn’t mean they aren’t fucking morons. Where are all the smart people having babies?

Weston Price advocates aren’t like me, either – a lot of them think they have to follow the diet to the letter, instead of *understanding* the diet and then using it as inspiration and being flexible and designing their own diet.

I’m sorry for all this judging, but it just makes me angry to see stupid people being victimized by doctors and NOT EVEN PUTTING THE PIECES TOGETHER. This lady who talked about getting a shot didn’t even mention the slightest speculation about, ‘Gee, maybe that shot they gave me is what triggered me to suddenly go into labor that very night????’ Nope! Not a word of speculation! Sheer random
coincidence! Not one word!

The only reason I’m at home writing blogs and reading the internet is because after I took my shower I was so tired I had to take a nap. I was exhausted. I’m worried about the chemicals in my hair
conditioner. I’m testing different kinds of conditioner. This one was ‘sulfate free,’ but that doesn’t mean ‘nontoxic,’ it just means that one particular chemical has been slightly changed. Sulfur is still there, in a different chemical, just not in the form of sulfate. Sulfate causes me to stop breathing if I go to bed with my hair wet after showering. I need to use these to detangle my hair. This is what I mean by ‘imperfection’ – there are many things I wanted to do differently before getting pregnant – I wanted alternative hair washing systems, and I wanted my plastic dental fillings taken out. I wanted good nutrition.

Strangely, I am not that hungry today, nor was I all that hungry yesterday. Every little thing like this makes me think the baby is dead. I’m not hungry anymore – oh no, the baby is dead. I also had a little bit of a hot flash a minute ago – oh no, the baby is dead, my hormones are doing something weird. I won’t know until the test…. every little thing is a bad sign.

Maybe I could take a walk. Oh, I was going to say, I think the new conditioner caused fatigue, but I’m not sure yet. I’ll have to test it again. It made me want to take a long nap and then I just couldn’t motivate myself. I felt very fatigued after the shower. Chemicals do that to me.

I need to get stuff done today… but I can’t. And it’s my last day off. I’m going to be working like a slave for the next few days.

the amount is wrong

September 29, 2016

I just looked at it – it’s only $155. Something is wrong. I had a couple days where I forgot to punch in and it looks like those days weren’t fixed. I haven’t written down all my hours on paper, but I am going to have to start doing it.

My response to this was, I want a cup of coffee. I can’t deal with this.

I’m not going to get coffee. But I really wanted it for a second there. I know it won’t help – when I was on coffee in the past, it didn’t help me get errands or chores done. It just helped me numb the pain, and I would sit there obsessing on the internet all day long. I know coffee won’t help. It will help me play video games for hours, it will help me write extremely long blogs for hours, it will help me surf the web for hours, and if I get the super strongest coffee from Starbucks, I will temporarily be able to do a few things like my bookkeeping, but only with that particular coffee, and nothing weaker than that. Coffee never works unless it is absolutely the strongest available, and fresh. Otherwise it does nothing.

I know it won’t help me, and it won’t help the baby. I will just go on without the coffee like I have done for the last couple weeks.

I need to know: what day does the work week start and end? I have to keep track of my own hours.

darkness triggers activity

September 29, 2016

10:01 AM 9/29/2016

I noticed several days ago that something happened almost as soon as I turned off the lights and went to bed. It was as though the lights were preventing it from happening. I believe it was the night before last. I was sitting up in bed, maybe reading the internet or something, and then I shut off the lights and laid down. A minute later, I felt sharp tiny pains in my uterus area, which was probably the baby digging in and attaching. So it implanted that night.

Now I did not have blood sugar problems yesterday. Maybe since the baby is no longer depending on vaginal secretions, it doesn’t need to have a constant supply of liquids that are vulnerable to changes in my sugar status. Also I think I read that it only secretes those hormones that lower my blood sugar while it is in the process of implanting, and maybe it doesn’t need to secrete them now. I forget – I could be wrong. But I had no blood sugar problems yesterday.

I felt sick though and thought I might throw up, but I believe it was because a coworker came in sick. He had been vomiting a couple times over the last two days, and thought he either had food poisoning or a virus. After I talked to him, my stomach was sick too, so I didn’t eat much early in the day, but later on I felt fine and was eating small snacks.

Later, I went home on the bus, and the bus was slightly darker than where I had been. Once again, the darkness seemed to trigger something to happen. I felt something happening in my uterus and vagina, and several people in the forum said they, too, had felt pain in their vagina. There are cells that grow in the lining of the uterus, and it probably hurts when they grow. I actually felt arousal, which was unexplained. I also felt a small amount of breast pain in the left breast in just one small place, but I don’t even feel it now.

I still feel a slight burning sensation in the vagina area, so maybe the hormones are doing something to it. It seemed like nothing was going on all day at work but then as soon as the lights got dim something changed.

I do recall the ovulation can be triggered by having the lights on all night, or something? The menstrual cycles have some connection to light and darkness. I also recall that eyes aren’t able to develop if they are exposed to constant light. Eyes need darkness in order to grow.

I had to stick my hands in the dishwater, because the gloves got this black soot all over them and it doesn’t come off. We are having problems with black greasy soot getting on the bottom of some of the pots. Then, it leaves huge fingerprints on the white dishes and white plastic. You can’t wash them off no matter how hard you try. That soot is evil. We might need to take apart the whole stove surface and clean out the chunks of stuff that are in it, but I don’t know for sure if that’s the problem, and I myself have no desire to be the one responsible for taking it apart and cleaning it – it would take hours and would probably have to soak in degreaser overnight in the sink. That’s what they did with some stuff at Kaarma, soaking things in degreaser.

My hands are numb now, which is why I never stick my hands in the dishwater. It’s the soap or sanitizer – both of them make my hands go numb.

I worry about exposure to chemicals – anything going into my hands is going into my bloodstream.

I still have to wait longer before I can do a test. I’m not out of bed yet but I will have to do all the errands today.

I need new cat food for Jacob. He suddenly broke out in a rash a few weeks ago, out of nowhere, and has been itching ever since, all over his body. He never had that happen before – something triggered it. I wonder if the spraying of the glyphosate triggered it. I don’t know.

Oh, my Maki Yaki check wasn’t having a problem – they told me it would have gone through yesterday. I haven’t looked yet, I just didn’t know which day it was supposed to actually be deposited.

The world rewards people like Freddy

September 28, 2016

8:53 AM 9/28/2016

My hormones seem to be doing something, because I am having problems with ever-increasing uncontrollable anger. It just starts up, and builds up and up and up and doesn’t stop. One thought leads to another thought which leads to even more anger.

I am thinking about Freddy from Kaarma. There are all these interconnected thoughts. The world is designed by people like Freddy to benefit people like Freddy, and Freddy’s tactics work perfectly fine in this world, and he will keep getting away with everything he’s doing, no matter what he does.

He refuses to sign a paper so that I can give it to the food stamps people. He doesn’t want to give anybody proof of the fact that he was paying me $400 a week to work 60 hours, which is $6.66 an hour (isn’t THAT appropriate?). I said 72 hours when I mentioned this the other day, because actually the time I spent in there or around there was 72 hours – 6 days a week, 12 hours a day, but with an approximate 2 hour break in the afternoon – however, I often had to keep working into the break. There were variations and I sometimes worked longer, either earlier in the morning, later in the evening, or in the break.

However, Freddy doesn’t understand that a lazy, apathetic, worthless government employee isn’t going to give a fuck about a piece of paper saying he paid me $400 a week, when it doesn’t even have to mention how many hours I worked. That government employee just cares about doing the minimum needed for his job, and he’s always leaving early in the day before they close, because I kept going out there to meet with him and being told that he had left for the day when it was only in the middle of the afternoon, so he must have left at like 1:00 pm or something. He just leaves whenever the fuck he wants to leave. Who cares if somebody can’t get out there at 9am?

So this lazy worthless government employee isn’t going to take it upon himself to arrange for an Action Squad to go out to Kaarma Restaurant and pursue Freddy for the laws that he’s breaking. The only ‘Action Squad’ that will ever exist is ME. But Freddy has to cover his ass and not sign a piece of paper saying he paid me $400 a week even though that paper isn’t required to show how many hours I worked.

The world will reward him for this behavior, because the government will just tell *ME* to take even more trouble and hassle to find some alternative way to prove my previous income. *I* am the one who will have to waste more time and effort finding a way to do this. Meanwhile, nothing will happen to Freddy. I mentioned on the phone to the food stamps guy’s voice mail that Freddy refused to sign any papers because he was breaking a bunch of laws, but I already know it doesn’t even matter that I mentioned that. All that will happen is that this lazy, worthless government employee will feel no personal involvement and no personal responsibility for my situation, and he will say, with his bleary eyes half shut as he’s dreaming of how early he’s going to go home from the office today and what TV show he wants to watch when he gets home, he will tell me something like, ‘Here’s a number that you can call. You have to tell them about Freddy violating the minimum wage laws, the overtime laws, and the income tax laws. That’s YOUR responsibility.’ Meanwhile, I expect this guy will do nothing to help me find an alternative besides getting this signature on this paper from Freddy. He’ll just be like, ‘Oh well, you’re fucked. Goodbye.’

So *I* have to be my own advocate, I have to run around and do everything and all these errands without a car while I’m also working at another job now which only gives me two days off, which is at least better than Freddy, and at least I will get paid overtime.

Meanwhile, my check didn’t go through from Maki Yaki. I was supposed to get a direct deposit and it didn’t happen. I have to ask them about it. I saw him typing it into the computer a couple days ago when I was there. This is yet another hassle I have to deal with.

Maki Yaki isn’t giving me a pay stub, either, and they’re not paying taxes. I do not care that they’re not paying taxes, and I don’t want them to, but if the CAO demands some paperwork from them, they’re not going to want to give it to me either. And I don’t want to get them in trouble, because they are treating me like a decent human being, unlike Freddy. I didn’t want to get Freddy in trouble either, because I love the Guatemalans and I want them to have jobs. I don’t know how much he’s paying Alejandro’s wife – she’s the one who is now the dishwasher. Since she’s married, OH, IT’S PERFECTLY FINE to underpay HER, because she has a husband taking care of her, and Freddy is indirectly paying for her apartment rental – unlike me! He pays for the apartments for the Guatemalans, but not for me. I wouldn’t be surprised if he only paid her $100 a week for 60 hours and expected her to thank him for it.

So when I think about this, the anger just goes up and up and up. Somebody answered my email to a craigslist ad, but their answer made no sense – they told me to send them my email, which would have already been plainly visible at the top of my email. I wouldn’t have been anonymous. I don’t think it sends it through the craigslist relay. So I sent him my email. He said it was ‘so that he could send me a picture and more information.’ That was bullshit. He sent nothing. There was no reply after that.

The anger. It builds up and up and up. I can’t get an apartment. I can’t get food stamps. I can’t get the fuck out of this house. I can’t get three days off at my job. I can’t make changes in my life. I can’t get the fuck out of this shithole town. I can’t save money. I had to pay to buy another sleeping bag when I already have sleeping bags just because I can’t go to the tent – it’s easier to go shopping at Wal Mart and just buy an additional sleeping bag than it is to go to the tent and retrieve the sleeping bag I already have, because it is extremely hard to walk down there and carry things back and forth.

I am stuck in every possible direction unable to do anything. And I didn’t even get my check from Maki Yaki to make me happy and make things easier for me. I could have at least looked in the bank account and seen that I got my direct deposit and felt relief that my Maki Yaki job was paying off. I only got the check that he wrote by hand on paper, which I deposited myself. I didn’t get the electronic one this week. I look in the bank over and over, see that it’s not there, and the anger increases because I have a feeling this is yet another hassle that I am going to have to deal with. Every hassle I have to deal with increases the anger. I will have to write reminders on paper to tell me to ask them about it when I go to work. I lose these little reminders.

I lost Jared Stohlmann’s number from the food stamps office and wasn’t able to call him directly, so I had to call the other number which takes me to an automatic answering machine telling me to press one for this, press two for that.

Everything, everything. I am going to snap, I just don’t know exactly how the snap will manifest. Is it going to be me suddenly quitting my job? That is the typical way that I snap. I could quit the job so that I would have more time to focus on all the things I need to do. ‘Snapping’ in the past always meant quitting a job suddenly without planning to. If I snap in that way, at least I would want to inform them that I am taking three days off instead of two, before getting fired or having whatever sort of conflict with them, and I don’t want to have conflicts with them – they are being nice to me.

So I don’t know if this is the hormones from pregnancy – I must wait, and wait, and wait, still longer, before the tests can be effective. They can’t detect the hormones at this early stage. I am never this angry unless I’m under the influence of drugs or hormones.

All I care about is getting my food stamps. I wasn’t even going to pursue Freddy for breaking all the laws he’s breaking. He still just refuses to sign a paper and I only needed it so I could give it to the food stamps people, who are so lazy, worthless, apathetic,
indifferent, and irresponsible that they aren’t going to take it upon themselves to advocate on my behalf and get this project done and set up an Action Squad to go after him. The MOST that they would EVER do would be to tell me, ‘Here’s a number you can call if you care enough to bother with calling it.’ That is not my goal. I JUST WANT MY GODDAMN FOOD STAMPS.

Argh – no cooperation on paperwork; low blood sugar triggers embroidery purchase at Wal-Mart; I have blankets now; I want to try eating salt, minerals, and clay

September 27, 2016

11:44 PM 9/27/2016

I tried to get Freddy to sign a paper saying how much he paid me, because there are no pay stubs and the food stamps people are demanding proof of how much I was paid. He refused to sign anything of course. I am going to have to go talk to the guy and tell him Freddy refuses to write this note, and his refusal to write the note will draw more attention to him than the note itself would have. They don’t give a fuck about him and how much he paid me, just like they didn’t give a fuck about Mary Jo renting a room to me last time I got food stamps and had to have her signature saying she was charging me for the room. She was afraid that they might come after her and tell her she wasn’t allowed to rent me a room or she wasn’t paying taxes or something, which is the same reason Freddy won’t sign – he doesn’t want anyone to come after him about the hundreds of laws that he’s breaking.

I’m not a law-enforcer, but some of the laws he’s breaking had a harmful personal impact on me. However, my goal is not to get these people to go after him, but to just get the fucking food stamps. So, I’m going to just have to tell them, ‘Hey, people, this guy Freddy who owns the Kaarma restaurant is too ashamed and sneaky to sign a piece of paper saying he paid me $400 a week. It’s up to you guys to decide WHY he refuses to sign this paper. You be the judge.’

******
I went to Wal-Mart and got myself another sleeping bag, which I am now using as a blanket here in the house. Finally, I won’t freeze while sleeping. I also got a new coat.

I was so angry thinking of everything, while wandering around Wal-Mart, and my blood sugar was dropping. I got angrier and angrier. I felt that the anger was out of control. Finally I snapped and decided I would do something. I was angry because the clothes I wanted to buy weren’t right. I wanted to make my own clothes, and I was angry because the sewing machine is in the tent right now, and my whole life has been one diversion after another from doing the things I really want to do. I just wanted to make my own fucking clothes! After a lifetime of hating all the clothes in the stores!

So I suddenly chose to start an Unsustainable Manic Project, even though I am not on drugs and not manic. I was just angry and had low blood sugar. So I bought a needle and embroidery thread and a couple tools, and some towels. I was originally going to grab a towel to use at work because we have no towels, we only have paper towels, and this is annoying to me, but then I decided the towels were pretty and I wanted to make something out of them. So I bought a whole bunch of them.

I had gone there estimating that I was going to spend $150 or less. I added it up on paper beforehand. It was an *extremely* rough estimate. Without even trying, without even consciously counting anything, the total came to something like $149.91 or some number that was extremely close to $150. It was $149 and some cents, just by accident.

I was so desperate from low blood sugar that I frantically grabbed a Sierra Mist, just to stay alive. I drank that. I was too mentally befuddled and numb to think about what I wanted to buy, and I just happened to be close to a fridge with Sierra Mist in it, so I grabbed it. It’s not what I would have wanted. I was too unconscious by that time to be capable of wandering around the store looking for the perfect juice drink. I felt that I could no longer walk or think. I was dizzy. This is pregnancy. I’m becoming more sure that my strange symptoms really are pregnancy.

At home, I was on the bed reading something random on the internet, and then I felt something which felt like it was actually a mind control suggestion, but I don’t know, it might not have been. I felt as though ‘they’ suggested that I get something salty, so I reached over and ate the corn chips that have been sitting in a bag for a long time – I stopped eating them because I used up all the salsa that I was dipping them in, and didn’t want to eat them plain. I ate them because they were salty, then went to the kitchen looking for plain salt to eat, but Mike was there and I didn’t want him to see me hunting through the cabinets looking for salt and then just scooping it out and eating it. So instead, I opened up the container of soup from Maki Yaki and just drank the salty broth straight from the cup.

Then ‘they’ suggested I research edible clay. I have no objection to eating clay, but I do not want to cause constipation or blockage. I won’t eat the one called ‘bentonite’ clay, but there is another type of bentonite clay called montmorrilonite clay (did I spell that right?), which is calcium clay instead of sodium. Calcium clay is the one you’re supposed to eat. It has minerals and supposedly it also helps you detoxify. I would have experimented with eating clay and dirt along with many other things if only I had been able to continue living outdoors and pursuing my natural primitive lifestyle.

I also looked up salt licks for horses. I used to lick those when I was a kid and we had them in the backyard. They were brown. They have other minerals in them besides salt.

Minerals help you form bones, and they are a key to preventing deformities and optimizing growth. Magnesium supposedly is a key to the deformities – I remember reading somewhere that if you don’t have enough magnesium, then the growing cells in the bones die and stop growing, and you are left with an unfinished bone that didn’t reach full size, which is how the deformities happen. These mineral deficiencies also happen if you are exposed to poisons that alter the nutrient metabolism in your body.

I won’t just go eat a ton of clay and then get a digestive blockage and go to the hospital. If I try any at all, I will lick only a tiny few crumbs of it and then wait to see what happens over the next couple days. I don’t want to get constipated.

I finally have a warm blanket and a slightly warmer coat! I also have an unsustainable manic project bought in anger and frustration and low blood sugar, to rebel against everything, because I am done, I am SO DONE, as they say. I’m done, because I can’t get food stamps, I can’t sew, I can’t learn about the primitive life, I can’t do anything. I can’t protect my baby. I have to protect the baby.

Right now, if the baby hasn’t attached to the uterine wall yet, it’s still being fed by the liquids being excreted from my uterine wall. Those liquids have to contain all the nutrients. If the nutrient content of that liquid goes too low, the baby can’t get enough food. If I go too long not giving it food, it will use up all its food storage and it will die. I think it has an egg yolk attached to it right now, if I understand correctly, which will help to feed it, but I might be wrong. I think it has to separate from the egg yolk in order to attach to the wall. Some people in the forum said that when it implanted, they felt pain and there was blood. It does, actually, have to dig down deep into the wall with its little roots and dig all the way down until it reaches blood. It’s looking for blood. So I should wear pads just in case there is blood, if only for a day, when it implants. I don’t want to be stuck at work without pads and I’m bleeding and thinking it’s my period starting. I’ll have to somehow ignore the pain if it implants, because taking ibuprofen is off limits, especially now when it’s only a few days old and is so vulnerable to everything. How bad will the pain be? I don’t know….

An embroidery project? really? I’m really frustrated with
everything. I am SO DONE with everything. When I’m ‘so done’ with everything, it’s time to just break down and do some fucking embroidery. I haven’t actually started it yet. I’m going to bed.

Hypoglycemia! IGF-2!

September 27, 2016

So I started reading about implantation, and I noticed that the baby is going to be secreting insulin-like growth factor. Insulin causes hypoglycemia! Maybe I really am having hypoglycemia more easily!

I wouldn’t have implanted yet

September 27, 2016

Going to this forum has been immediately informative. I wouldn’t have implanted yet. On that day when I felt a weird sensation, maybe it was conception, not implantation. The implantation will occur several days later and probably hasn’t happened to me yet. It goes down that tube that I’ve forgotten the name of (is the soybean paste messing me up? I think I see correlations between eating that soybean paste and having word retrieval problems) and goes into the uterus, but it moves slowly over a period of many days. They say it bleeds when it attaches to the wall of the uterus. The people in the forum are talking about implantation blood.

It’s very annoying to see all these dozens and dozens of abbreviations such as ‘ib’ (implantation blood), that I always have to look up every time I go to that forum.

Anyway, so I should expect this, if I’m pregnant for real. Sometime soon, I might bleed because of the baby attaching to the uterine wall, and I’ll think it’s my period starting, but it isn’t. Then the period hopefully won’t actually start after that. And then maybe I’ll be able to do a pregnancy test. I’ll just keep reading.

Weird dreams, bizarre fantasies, low blood sugar and panic attacks, obsessing about food and nutrient density, eating random snacks and preparing to go on an errand today. Dreams of aliens, grandpa, and, unfortunately, feces, and ghosts. Something about a ‘bottle.’

September 27, 2016

1:11 PM 9/27/2016

I have a million emergencies, and the garbage is piling up on the floor of my bedroom again. Soon, I will break down and insist that I must work fewer days per week, although I might still want to work long hours each day. On the first day off, I can barely do anything but lie in bed for a very long time, so nothing gets done, and then, the next day, I have to go to work again.

Maybe people don’t want to work at Maki Yaki because they think they will have to speak a foreign language. So a craigslist ad could tell them ‘you don’t have to speak Korean or Japanese.’

I keep thinking about how a restaurant business can afford to exist without making the food prices very, very, very high. And what would life be like if all the restaurants had extremely high food prices? And the college students in this town are not working at high paying jobs, so where does the money come from for their living expenses – rent, food, miscellaneous purchases?

Like, from what I see at Maki Yaki, it seems like the food should have to cost, like, $100 a plate, or something. I haven’t seen the bookkeeping so I don’t know what it really costs for them to exist. I’m fantasizing about what it would be like to run my own restaurant business. I only know that the costs of doing business are
ridiculously high – the rent, the electricity, the water bill, the employee paychecks, everything, and also the debts for going into business in the first place, the debts for everything.

*****************************************
Pregnancy update: I still don’t feel pregnant, and I only had nausea that one night, but not last night. Right now, I feel nothing unusual at all. I forgot to look at my calendar where I wrote down my period days. I wrote it in a notepad.

Okay, I looked at it. My period will be due on either October 4th or 6th. I had that ‘false start’ day where there was a small drop of blood but then it stopped again, and then started for real two days later. So I’m not sure exactly which day counts as the first day. ‘The voices’ said the false start day should be viewed as a real beginning of the period, and the timing of my sex and ovulation fits pretty well with either day. It fits better with the false start day.

I haven’t been tracking my periods for years, so I don’t know how long my cycle is nowadays, if it’s really the average 28 day cycle, or something longer or shorter. Supposedly it’s a bad sign, of menopause, if the cycle becomes extremely short.

I have noticed a couple strange symptoms. I worked all day yesterday at the sushi station, which means I didn’t have any time to sit down and eat a meal in the afternoon. I just ate bits and pieces of sushi mistakes or the cut off end pieces – you trim the edges off to make it look nice. I am not really great at sushi yet, but it’s passable. I’ve only been doing it for a couple days so far.

So I wasn’t able to eat much at all, and the nutritional quality of the sushi is low, although I suppose it’s better than some foods. There’s a lot of rice, which is low nutritional quality – all calories, no nutrients. I’m not someone who believes in eating a 100% carbohydrate-free diet, so I don’t mind eating a little bit of rice, and a little bit of sugar, and plain carbs here and there, and fruit especially – I have no objection whatsoever to eating sugar and carbs in the form of fruit.

I would still need to experiment with finding edible and safe sources of starch from grains and root vegetables, and I wasn’t finished with those experiments, not even close. They have to not have any strange side effects. Turnips and some other root vegetables seem to attack the thyroid, for instance. Hopniss – a challenge – I have it growing in the pot but won’t eat it yet – I want to plant it in the woods near a stream and let it grow wild and spread everywhere. It’s a native plant which I am bringing back to its native habitat.

Anyway though, most of what I ate was rice, from the sushi ends, with tiny bits of meat, fake crab, farmed salmon, and tuna from an unknown source. Tuna – do they farm it? Where does the tuna come from? I didn’t think tuna was farmed. Tuna is a huge, gigantic fish. Isn’t it? I need to research it.

And cucumbers are a nutrient-devoid vegetable. Organic cucumbers might be okay; cucumbers of some particular variety might be okay; cucumbers from the original wild growing plant that they originally were before they got domesticated might be okay; but the cucumbers we have are, I assume, ordinary factory farm cucumbers.

I’m not criticizing the business owners for not getting all organic everything, by the way. Like I was saying above, I have absolutely no idea how it would be possible to run a business without charging $100 a plate for the food, especially since I’m fantasizing about all-organic restaurants.

Myra already has organic milk in the fridge. She understands about organic milk. I sometimes get a little bottle of non-organic milk because that’s the only thing they have in a single serving size from the particular store where I have to shop. I would rather not have bovine growth hormone or chemical residues from all the stuff they give the cows, but I don’t drink it very often. Ideally I would want to just never drink that stuff. I get organic milk for the fridge at home.

So anyway, cucumbers are the equivalent of iceberg lettuce – no nutrients at all, but they serve the purpose of providing a watery, crispy, crunchy texture, and a pale green color, and that is the only purpose they serve – texture, not nutrition.

Nutrient dense foods, and wild growing native varieties of
pre-domesticated plants – that’s what I’m interested in. And as a compromise, organic versions of domesticated plants. I’ve been picking and eating the kousa dogwood berries whenever I see them. I want to harvest all the walnuts and apples too but I can’t. I just can’t. Every year. Every year, I go crazy during the harvest, wanting to pick up all the fallen fruits and nuts, but I don’t have a car and I don’t have a storage house to put them in and I don’t have drying racks to dry them on, or processing methods to remove the skin off walnuts, and all that – it needs a lot of infrastructure.

I go crazy and frantic because I’m always too busy working at a job to earn paper dollars instead of just walking out into the woods and fields harvesting the food that is right there in front of me. It is so, so, so, so frustrating, and it happens every single year. Always working, no car, no way to transport it, no way to process it, no place to keep it, no time to do any of this harvest. Harvest is the most important time of year. Even the acorns falling on my house right now need to be harvested and salvaged. There is some way to process acorns to make them edible – it can be done, it just takes work. So every year, I waste this moment, I miss this opportunity, and there is no harvest for me – every year. Endless frustration.

I should research Korean and Japanese offal and organ meat dishes, because offal and organ meats are nutrient dense. Also, seafood – seafood offal, fish heads, fish organs, I love that stuff and want to keep learning about it. I haven’t been able to continue any of my testing and research but I will never stop researching it. It is extremely important to me.

I still love Guatemala. Guatemala, I haven’t forgotten you.

Offal: sometimes, people do this thing where they have a waste product and they decide to try to make it into an edible dish. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. We have this thing where they told me it came from a particular part of the leg muscle of the chicken, and they used to throw it away, but then started breading and frying it and it became a very popular dish. That’s an example of a time when it worked out okay.

However, at other times, people try to make a waste product into an edible food, and it fails miserably, and an example of this is the Chinese (maybe it was Korean too?) foods that use tendons, like tendon soup. I tried eating tendon, and it almost made me throw up immediately. It is inedible.

I am in favor of not wasting any part of the animal, and tendons do indeed have a use – they are to be used in making ropes and strings, musical instrument strings, bowstrings, laces, threads. They are not to be eaten. Something in them is too allergenic and irritating – I cannot even swallow it without feeling like I am going to throw up. There was this one soup (not at our Maki Yaki restaurant, but some other place, Pho 11, I think) where it was just all tendons in the soup. I took just a few tiny bites and didn’t even try to eat any more. Am I remembering this right? I don’t know what I did with the leftovers.

So yes, I believe in eating offal and using every part of the animal and what they call ‘nose to tail’ eating. But there are some limits, and if something makes you throw up, then you have to discard it or find some other use for it. It’s just that much, much more is edible than we usually think of. Heads, noses, that kind of stuff. Brains. Many organs, but not all of them. You shouldn’t eat the hormone glands like adrenal glands and thyroids, because the hormones are so strong, you’re overdosing and poisoning yourself with hormones. I would not be surprised if someone had a heart attack and dropped dead from eating an adrenal gland.

I have wanted to do all the experiments and document my symptoms, sensations, and strange reactions, but I can’t do that because 1. no money, 2. no house, 3. no free time. Food research and testing of strange and unusual foods is my specialty.

I got off track from my storytelling because I started ranting about foods of low nutrient density.

I ate bits of sushi all day yesterday, and that was all I ate. I did drink some juice and some Sprite. I allow myself to have Sprite even though it isn’t ideal, because that’s what’s available there and I’m allowed to have it for free. It doesn’t have any caffeine.

By the end of the day, I was so hungry that I felt like I was going to pass out. That wouldn’t normally happen to me. That’s the whole point of the story. I have noticed now that if my blood sugar gets low, I start to have major problems that are worse than what they were in the past, and it might be because of this possible pregnancy, the unverified pregnancy that I have to wait a few more weeks to test for.

So I was almost passing out. I was dizzy, I felt like my blood sugar was low, and I was so hungry I actually almost threw up. I went into the bathroom and started to sort of cry and rub my eyes while feeling like I had to vomit, but I stopped myself from vomiting, and then I went out and immediately grabbed a bottle of apple juice (also available to me for free, thank you Maki Yaki) and wolfed it down. I wouldn’t normally get that bad. Apparently my blood sugar is more sensitive now.

So I ordered some food when I left, but couldn’t eat it all when I got home, so I put the rest in the fridge and ate some more of it this morning.

I also nibbled on raw sunflower seeds, dried craisins, a dried date, canned oysters in cottonseed oil (giving me my daily serving of pesticides and herbicides from the GMO cotton), a fresh prune plum and a kiwi (I didn’t even try to eat another mandarin orange yet), some whole organic milk, some organic apple juice – I nibbled a few bites of almost every snack that I have. I also have some organic dried fruits.

The meal I ordered was pork belly, with green leafy lettuce of some sort – not iceberg but special lettuce with lacy edges – rice (I don’t eat tons of rice, but I ate some of it), soybean paste, kimchi (not enough kimchi – I would like to eat a whole lot more of that), and a soup that I’ve forgotten the name of which was different this time than it was the first time. This time it had beef muscle meat in it, and I don’t like beef muscle meat. It has an unpleasant texture. I like beef organ meat though. It has other ingredients, including bracken, a wild fern. I think they started eating bracken in Korea because of the forced starvation, so people learned to forage, and bracken got incorporated into the mainstream foods. Maybe they even domesticate it, I don’t know. I know there is some disagreement over bracken because some people think it causes cancer. I don’t know. I am taking it seriously though. I don’t eat the bracken every single day. Sometimes you can eat small amounts of something once in a while.

Oh my gosh, time is passing. I have to take a shower and get ready to go on an errand. I am so tired. I slept late and had a fake dream. I still don’t want to get up.

So this morning when I woke up, I felt a panicky sensation of my low blood sugar again, which is when I started eating a bunch of raw sunflower seeds right away. These snacks are just things I happen to have right now. I try to choose well from the foods available at only one or two small convenience stores in town, because I usually can’t take a trip to go someplace else to get lots of good food. I have extremely limited choices. Fortunately, organic food is becoming much more popular, thank goodness, so they sell it everywhere. I can even buy organic dried fruits at Sheetz. And I love the Epic grassfed meat bars, although I don’t get the chicken or turkey ones – I don’t like the texture.

Maybe I would eat the Mongolian meat that they dry up and then grind into the smallest possible powder and then put it into soup. It is the muscle meat of a whole cow, or something, ground up into a very small volume, just powderized. I know the name of it, I just can’t remember. It’s a four letter word, I think. Mongolians are very sexy. I just wanted to say that. Mongolians eat a lot of offal and organ meats and animal heads, and they have them openly on sale in the markets, just some disgusting cow head sitting right there in the open. They are shameless about such things. Americans would be utterly horrified. I shouldn’t just say Mongolians are sexy without saying Koreans are sexy, because I think they are too. I am a xenophile. I love foreign people and I see the beauty in different races. I tend to talk about these subjects at the same time that I’m obsessing about food. I haven’t eaten enough and I still want to obtain grassfed lard somehow.

Yeah, I’m definitely obsessing about food.

I had a fake dream… but what else was I going – oh, I remember.

Yesterday, during the time when my blood sugar was low at work, I heard them playing a Billy Joel song, ‘We didn’t start the fire.’ They mentioned ‘terror on the airlines.’ I was in a strange state of mind, and this triggered a fantasy that I was on an airplane where a terrorist was taking hostages and making bomb threats. In the fantasy, as soon as I saw the person getting up and threatening us, I took off all my clothes and slowly walked towards him, because in a life or death situation, this is the appropriate thing to do, when it is never appropriate at any other time. Then I touched him to calm him down. In the fantasy, this tactic would succeed, but in real life, he would probably just blow my head off, because they are expecting to kill women as well as men without regret, and there is no taboo on killing all the women. The only people who can be calmed down by a woman are people who still value women. Someone who disvalues all life and is fully committed to killing all of them will probably not respond to this tactic. In the fantasy, it would work – somehow I would calm him down and stop him from killing us. I don’t know how he would get away afterwards. If I can calm him down successfully, then there is no need for him to go to jail. This is my way of judging the world.

So during this bizarre fantasy, triggered only by the words ‘terror on the airlines’ in that song, my adrenaline rushed as though I was actually there taking off my clothes and walking down the aisle of the airplane, saying goodbye to everyone and saying strange things, like ‘thank you for your friendship.’ My adrenaline rushed in a painful panic attack, which was exacerbated by my low blood sugar.

Is this a normal event for me? No, this is not at all normal. It was extremely strange, and I am wondering if it’s because of the pregnancy, if the pregnancy is real.

The fake dream this morning:

Normally, ‘they’ don’t allow me to dream about shit. They haven’t been making me dream about shit for many years now. But when the mind control attacks first began (badly and overtly) in 2003, I did dream about shit.

In this dream, I was in a strange place… almost like a camp. Except it was a group camp, like a military thing. I wasn’t camping alone. It was a more permanent infrastructure. There was one shared room with beds and furniture in it, and I think several beds in an open space without walls, so it had a group feeling. It was somewhat dark or dim in there, and nobody else was there at the moment. I think one or two other people were nearby somewhere. The room had a warm, pleasant, cozy feeling, and I think there might have been a fireplace.

I don’t recall exactly what happened, but I went to the toilet. Again, they haven’t given me this type of disgusting fake dream in a long time. In the toilet, I saw that there was so much shit that it covered the entire top of the water. You couldn’t even see the bottom of the toilet. There was no toilet paper floating in it – it was all shit. I could see dozens of individual stools. They were lumpy. For some reason, I was touching it with my hand. (this again is the typical mind control dream that I had way back in 2003 and haven’t had for years, or if I’m having them, I don’t remember them when I wake up.)

Then I decided I had to try to flush this toilet. I was about to flush it when something strange happened. A bottle appeared next to me, floating in the air. We had joked about a ghost yesterday at Maki Yaki (for real), because the automatic soap dispensers sometimes shoot out soap for no reason when nobody is there, and the toilet flushes by itself when you walk into the bathroom when it shouldn’t.

I don’t remember what the ‘bottle’ means. I had been seeing something or thinking something about a bottle, or I saw the word bottle in some context, but I can’t recall the context. I just saw the word ‘bottle’ yesterday somewhere and it meant something. This was a large jug of something, a plastic jug.

So this plastic jug thing (which I thought of as a ‘bottle’) appeared floating in the air beside me right when I was about to flush the toilet full of shit. Just as I pressed the flush, the bottle dived down into the toilet, straight into the hole of the toilet, clogging it. I flushed it at that moment. The toilet exploded shit everywhere all over the ceiling.

I ran away and tried to tell someone that there was a problem. I was trying to tell someone that this floating bottle clogged the toilet, and I was looking into someone’s eyes very deeply to bond with them, to say, ‘please believe what I am saying even though I know it is very strange.’ She believed me because she had seen the ghost herself.

The toilet is probably an asshole, I’m guessing, and I’m guessing that this symbol represents anal sex. ‘Exploding’ usually means orgasm.

However, there was an incident yesterday where I was constipated for several hours, which is also unusual for me – ‘several hours’ is nothing compared to the length of time other people are constipated, I know. I felt like I had to go to the bathroom, and finally hours later I was able to, but I couldn’t at first, and it was inconvenient because I knew I would be stuck working at the sushi station for hours unable to leave.

Finally I had pains in my abdomen and felt like I would be able to go, so I did, and I had to pull up my legs to my chest because the toilet is really, really tall, and we should be using squatting toilets instead. I don’t get constipated if I can squat, and I also don’t get constipated if I can control my diet – I don’t eat rice. Rice I think makes me constipated – it has happened before. I wouldn’t normally eat just rice by itself, ever. I would eat small amounts of it mixed with many sauces and other foods. So I ‘exploded,’ and the mind controllers watch everything we do, all the time, so they see us going to the bathroom. They were so fascinated with this event that they had to incorporate it into a dream, apparently. I still can’t recall what the bottle was referring to. I know I saw it somewhere.

So then there was another dream. I was in a totally different location, outdoors, walking down a road, on a nice day, in a large open area, a flat plain. I could see around me for a long distance. There were many other people around doing some big group outdoor activity. I was walking down a road but there weren’t any cars. It wasn’t a highway, it was just a small road, possibly even a gravel road or path. Other people were walking. I was kind of interested in the event but I was mostly just going there for the cheerful atmosphere of the people.

Then I saw a bunch of Guatemalans coming down the road, but they were all very tall, taller than me. Then I saw Arturo among them, still as short as he usually is, wearing something strange, like a hooded jacket. He looked like he was hiding or being secretive. I said, ‘Hello,’ and he said, ‘Hola.’ I wondered where these people were going and I was going to follow them, I think, but then I saw a flying saucer. The flying saucer had been in the background a few minutes before this, too, far away, and I wondered if it was going to hit the power lines.

‘Power lines’ have been in the dreams from the beginning. I would try to flap my arms and fly into the air, but my back would get burned and zapped because I would fly up underneath the power lines, which seemed to be everywhere, all over the place.

I have wondered recently if those power lines are actually chemtrails. The chemtrails would be made of an electrical conductor, so that they conduct electricity long distances through the atmosphere. Those chemtrails are lines that I fly up underneath and I hit them and can’t go any higher. I can’t fly because of the chemtrails. That is my latest interpretation of all the ‘power lines’ in the flying dreams.

So anyway, this flying saucer was very close to the ground, faraway, in the background, almost hitting some power lines. Then it suddenly moved up and flew around, back and forth, all over the place, demonstrating its ability to maneuver and to move very fast. I said, ‘That looks kind of cartoony-looking.’ It looked fake. The edges of it were outlined in such a way that they didn’t fit with the background. It flew all over and then landed next to me, on a small hill.

It was sunny and pretty outside. It was a cheerful, happy day. And this saucer landed on the hill, and turned into something like a Jeep, with a rollover bar or something on it. Some kind of bars protecting the top or the back of it. Maybe that’s because, in real life, a coworker had a car accident – it was the lady who I believed was an LSI-ISTj (although I’m not 100% certain of that yet – I only know for certain she is a judger/rational) and I said she was like Korean Hillary Clinton. She said her car almost rolled over in the accident. And she is an ‘alien.’ ‘Aliens’ often refers to alien humans on earth, rather than extraterrestrial non-human aliens (when I hear voices or have dreams mentioning aliens).

So these two people got out of the car. They were both very old and had white hair. They were Caucasian. The old man had sort of a mullet. I know what that’s referring to. That was referring to Rich, the coworker who I typed as ESE-ESFj. Myra jokingly nicknamed him ‘Grumpy Gramps’ yesterday or the day before (I am confused about time), which seems like an amusing and affectionate nickname to me. I didn’t want to get involved in this conversation because I was afraid I would offend or hurt Rich’s feelings, when to me, the nickname seemed to be loving, not insulting. He seems like he would be a wonderful grandpa. She also teased him about having a mullet – he doesn’t have a mullet, he just has hair that is a couple inches long in the back, underneath his hat. It’s not really that long.

So the Caucasian grandpa in this dream (he was indeed called ‘Grandpa’) had a mullet as well, and he looked very old. And the grandma was there too but I couldn’t see her clearly and she was off to the left side, sitting on this hill. I went up to grandpa and was going to give him a hug, and I also held his hand, while also holding grandma’s hand with just a couple of my fingers. It was because they only had two fingers. I forgot. These were aliens and they only had two fingers on their hands. Maybe that is because Asians use chopsticks. I’ve been using chopsticks too. The chopsticks are the two fingers. These fingers were wrinkly looking and had claws on the ends of them. So I was holding her two-fingered hand with my two fingers and holding grandpa’s hand while I did something, I think I laid my head down on his chest. And I said, ‘grandma, come to me!’ I felt like I said it out loud in my sleep. Then I woke up.

I can’t remember if they had a thumb on their two-fingered hands. I didn’t see it very well.

So shortly after I woke up, I felt like I was having a panic attack from low blood sugar, even though I had eaten just before going to bed last night. I didn’t eat tons and tons of food, but just enough to be relieved of hunger. So I started eating again immediately. It feels like the baby is hungry, not me, the baby is panicking, not me. I don’t know. I don’t know if there is a baby or not.

The two week wait is torture. I think I’m gonna go to the forum and read other people who are in the two week wait section, to see if they feel any sensations or not. They have all these different sections in the forum. I haven’t been there in a long time because it’s a bloated badly functioning web page with too many ads that lock it up and cause it to go slowly. But I’ll go there again. I do recall several people saying ‘I feel nothing, I don’t know if there is a baby or not’ in the two-week-wait section of the forum. I don’t recall the forum name. trying to conceive… I have to google it again. Okay, the particular one that I joined a couple years ago (and have almost never posted in, except to introduce myself) is
http://babyandbump.momtastic.com/ttc-forums/ . It’s a gigantic forum with thousands of posts.

several emergencies that must be done on my days off

September 26, 2016

I absolutely must get coats and blankets, if I am going to endure another freezing night in this house without the heat turned on, using only this extremely thin borrowed blanket. I have no warm clothes, no long sleeves – all is in the tent. I have no coat – in the tent.

I must go to Freddy and get some information from him so as to be able to fill out the forms for food stamps.

I must get an apartment. One person answered my email – FINALLY.

I need to bring my avocado plants into the house so they don’t die in the frost.

I forget, there were one or two other things.

Argh! I have to run out the door to catch the bus.

voracious hunger, salt craving, and waking up nauseated… I dunno….. seems suspicious….

September 26, 2016

I did actually wake up nauseated, right now, around 5:00. I’m not horribly nauseated, but it was enough to notice it. It began upon waking up and moving my body around, shifting position, just like the apparent ‘hormone floods’ seem to do, as though my blood or lymph is pooling in one position because I stayed still for too long while sleeping, and as if suddenly this pool of blood / lymph suddenly moves to the liver to get metabolized. I’m just theorizing.

Yesterday at work I was having a LOT of trouble resisting the constant hunger, even though I made a deliberate effort to eat before work, and eat heavy foods including whole milk to make sure I got saturated fats. I would NEVER resist hunger, never, except the problem is, I’m at work, and we were extremely busy. It was not possible for anyone to take a break even for a couple minutes to eat something. I am not somebody who makes a habit of refusing to feed myself when I feel hungry. I always, always eat when I feel hungry.

I ate a piece of sushi which was leftover because we made it by accident, and while I was eating this piece of sushi, plain, which was rather bland, I suddenly was aware that I desired salt on the sushi. Salt? I never add salt to anything, although I do not avoid salt either, so I get a moderate amount of salt if the manufacturers have added it. I do sometimes add salt if I cook at home, but it depends – if I add some kind of premade sauce, there’s usually no need to add salt.

There’s a good reason why I go camping whenever I need to move out of an apartment. I haven’t gotten a single fucking reply to the emails that I have sent asking people about the apartments they have advertised. I need to have a day off so that I can try calling them on the phone instead of emailing.

I know that sometimes nausea happens if I don’t eat enough. I have had this happen before. I usually would prevent the nausea by making sure I ate enough earlier, and just make sure something was always in my stomach. I forget the circumstances under which I noticed this – it usually isn’t a problem. I had a couple incidents where (in the past, sometime, for some reason, maybe from herbal drugs? I forget) it seemed like I had low blood sugar, which caused me to feel nauseated a few times. During those times I only had to eat something and the nausea would stop. So I learned that blood sugar being too low can make me nauseated – it used to happen to my friend / boyfriend Peter who was diabetic, too, if his blood sugar went low.

I bought these tiny mandarin oranges at the convenience / grocery store in town, thinking they would be nice and sweet like Clementines. Nope! They are the foulest, sourest things I have ever eaten in my life. What the fuck! No wonder they marinate mandarin oranges in tons and tons of syrup and then put them into a can! They are simply fucking unfit for human consumption otherwise. I might as well go out and try to eat those even tinier little oranges, como se llama, how do you call it, doesn’t it begin with a K? It’s a bizarre weird fruit that nobody knows exists because they are so inedible nobody wants them. I might have to google it. Kumquats. You actually can eat the skin, supposedly, but you would cook them and put tons and tons of sugar into them. For all the sourness of these mandarin oranges it might as well be that.

So, I’m going to try to eat or drink something, maybe a little juice.

I’m not getting any fucking replies. And I am feeling an urgent need to leave this house. Mike has started doing this thing of not saying hello to me when I walk in the door late at night after work. I’m not sure what his problem is, but, I’m not paying rent, because a few months ago I offered to pay it and he said no, I should save my money for an apartment. I’m trying to look for a goddamn apartment and nobody will reply to my fucking letters. I HATE CRAIGSLIST. They might reply if I call but I can only do that on my day off.

The voracious hunger, being a problem at work: Yesterday, I was so hungry I was wishing and wishing that I could just get a positive pregnancy test result so that I could inform them that I had an actual reason why I needed to stop and eat no matter what. If I had a real excuse, then it would not merely be ‘I just need to eat because I’m just really, really hungry for some reason,’ which doesn’t get much sympathy, although there is a very kind, sweet, loving ESE-ESFj cook who seems to enjoy giving me food. He doesn’t mind doing it if we’re slow, but it was super, super busy yesterday.

I have to wait a while longer before I can get a positive test result. The tests don’t detect extremely low levels of the hormones. The instructions say to wait until a certain number of days have passed, maybe twenty days since you had sex. I had sex on the 19th. I forget where I read it, but something said it would be a week before you start to get nauseated, and it’s one week to the day, right now, the 26th.

Salt craving: No problem. I’ve read about the Brewer Diet, yet another one of the many alternative diets that are safe and effective for preventing some horrible symptom that mainstream medicine tells us is hopelessly incurable without their help. You can prevent preeclampsia, and I don’t know exactly what that is, but it’s something horrible that happens during pregnancy as a result of a couple of nutritional problems.

The Brewer diet recommends getting plenty of salt, because your salt needs increase, as you have to increase your blood volume, and it recommends eating fat, and eating eggs, including the yolks. I’m not planning on following the Brewer diet to the letter, but I will at least look at it for inspiration. The concept is similar enough to the Weston Price diet that they are compatible with each other and I can get the general idea.

I cannot follow either one or any special diet at the moment because I am still not cooking at home. My pots and pans are in the tent. And I am trying to leave this house. It would be hard to follow a good diet in the tent when I had no place to store food. I need to build a storehouse and workshop and set things up to dry my food so it’s safe at room temperature.

Oh, I’m eating sushi while pregnant. End Of World!!! You could kill the baby!!!! I don’t believe this. Supposedly, raw meat or raw fish while pregnant is the end of the world. You could get bacteria from that and the world would end. I don’t get bacteria from raw foods, but what I do get are parasites. However, these fish are totally farmed, probably – they’re not real fish. Real fish have parasites. These fish do not. They’ve been raised locked inside a box and fed soy and artificial color to make the flesh artificially look pink, or something. I don’t know what a fish farm looks like and it’s probably not outright ‘locked in a box,’ but it’s horrible from the photos I’ve seen. They keep them crowded. It may vary depending on the farm. I have indeed wondered though what a parasitic infection would do.

Anyway I wasn’t following any special diet because, as I had said, I cannot fight this war anymore. I cannot fight the war to get the kind of living conditions that I need anymore, to get myself settled enough, to get enough income, to get the kind of life I want without having some kind of disaster. I decided there was no future for me, and therefore, I might as well get an unplanned pregnancy with no control over the health of the baby and no control over my diet.

I can’t make the baby as healthy as I would have wanted to. I only did a couple things – I stopped all herbal drugs and stopped caffeine. I’m eating slightly better at this Korean / Japanese restaurant; however, they use vegetable oil, including in the soup. I would have wanted lard, and other animal fats, which I have never had the chance to experiment with and test – that was one of the thousands of things I cannot do in an unstable life with no place to put large amounts of food.

Ordering grassfed lard online means that I have to order a large quantity, to make the order higher than $100, if I recall. Or some number. It was enough that I might need a freezer for something. I had wanted to get the grassfed pemmican, for instance. It’s some big website which is one of the first google results for grassfed beef or grassfed meats. Grasslandbeef.com.

Ohhhh… my parents are going to flip… out… if I am pregnant for real. But I want to tell them. That was one thing I wanted. I wanted to inform my mother that I was having a baby, before she dies. That was important – before her death, I wanted to tell her I was having a baby. She’s getting old and she’s unhealthy. She could have an accident. She could get sick. I haven’t visited them yet this year and I really need to. They’ll flip out because I’m unmarried and have no means of support. Except food stamps, which I need to finish doing… on my days off… just like I need to hunt for an apartment on my days off. …. But, well, they’re just going to have to flip out and I’m going to have to face them, because I want them to know. It was important, very important. I did not want Mom to die without knowing that I was having a baby. I still don’t want her to die after that, but that one thing was important.

Doggone the two-week wait. That’s what they talk about in the trying-to-conceive forums. Two weeks before you can do a pregnancy test, two weeks before you can notice that your period did not start.

Pre-eclampsia – some kind of blood pressure problem. People always assume (including doctors) that if it’s blood pressure, then you have to fix it by avoiding salt. Wrong! The opposite of the truth. You need more salt, during pregnancy, to increase blood volume. That was the primary insight of Dr. Brewer. More salt, not less salt. Obey the salt cravings! They say, ‘Ohhh, you have high blood pressure, you have to stop all salt!’ But the high blood pressure is caused by malnutrition, and you need fat soluble vitamins, and more electrolytes including salt, potassium, and whatever other minerals and
electrolytes. It’s primarily a malnutrition problem. Drink plenty of water, too. That won’t be a problem – I’ve quit caffeine, so I am no longer dehydrated and losing electrolytes all the time.

I’ve been peeing a lot. The peeing is different – it’s a lot of pee and it takes a long time to finish. I get up in the middle of the night and pee A LOT. This has only been happening this week.

Am I really pregnant? I can’t know! I can’t be sure! I’m so eagerly waiting to take the test and see that it’s positive. I also want to tell Agustin if I get a positive result.

But then, we can’t count our chickens until they’re hatched. I have no idea if the baby will survive. It could die at any time, for any reason. I know not to take antibiotics while pregnant, though. A coworker from McDonald’s lost her baby because she took antibiotics for a bad cough that wouldn’t go away. The doctors were all like, ‘Woo, woo, no, it’s perfectly fine to use antiobiotics while pregnant… heh heh heh hehhhh,’ evil laugh. No warning whatsoever from the doctors. She lost her baby immediately after she started taking them.

I won’t even use any over-the-counter drugs, especially not
painkillers like Tylenol, which I never ever ever use anyway, but it causes … something, I forget what. It either causes autism, or it causes some specific symptom in the baby that I can’t remember. So does aspirin. I won’t use ibuprofen either. And not antacids – I never use any over the counter drugs anyhow. The only one I ever use is ibuprofen, and I only use it for one thing – menstrual cramps. Guess what doesn’t exist anymore when you’re pregnant! Menstrual cramps.

Just no drugs at all is the best rule to follow, and ZERO CUPS A DAY of coffee. I’m not even eating chocolate. It will make me crave caffeine more, because it contains theobromine and small amounts of caffeine. Theobromine metabolizes into caffeine at some point, inside your body. So does theophylline. It transforms into caffeine. I don’t recall where I read this.

Okay, I will post this. I can only wait another week or two, taking tests to prove it for sure, and observing symptoms.

I did have anger, and a little crying yesterday. It seemed like PMS. I didn’t snap at anybody, but I cried a little bit while walking home from the bus. I could still be premenstrual. I can only wait to see…..

trying to wash the sheets, look for an apartment

September 25, 2016

Chemtrails might exist for the purpose of preventing us from seeing the light reflecting off of unwanted satellites stationed overhead during the daytime. These might be mind control satellites. Just a theory.

1:41 PM 9/25/2016

I am struggling to do the laundry, the bedsheets and blankets, the backpack, to get rid of this poison from the hotel room.

The ‘dull ache’ that I felt earlier might possibly have been because I had diarrhea – it seems to have gone.

I don’t think the washer is working properly. It isn’t filling up very well. Our water pressure is no good. The water needs to be fixed, but that would require something expensive.

I’m trying to find an apartment, and I’m unfortunately giving up on looking for a single room right now – I’m looking for ones with roommates, because singles just aren’t available at all in this town, not at all. The only singles are starting at $900, minimum.

I just need to get out of this house, and I’m being prevented from going into the tent, even though I want to.

No progress is being made. You have no idea how frustrated I am. I cannot even save up enough money to move to Altoona, much less to move to a foreign country where I can have a decent life. I am looking for countries that don’t have chemtrails. The only countries that don’t have them are dictatorships like Saudi Arabia. From what I read, it’s actually something being mixed in with normal jet fuel, so that normal jet planes are spraying something without intending to, but then, there are stories of other planes who sole purpose is to spray something specific, and a photo of the inside of a plane where big giant drums were attached to pipes going out the windows of the plane – things like that. The information contradicts itself, or suggests there are several different methods being used, and I don’t trust anyone, and I don’t trust Edward Snowden – somebody said that Snowden said that this was only for reducing global warming, but I don’t believe that.

I’d like to take a shower but the laundry is still going. I tried… I tried to at least wash the sheets and blankets…. I am so tired that I haven’t been able to get out of bed, and it’s because of this poison. The sheets didn’t get washed properly because the washer didn’t fill all the way to the top. I tried to reset it to the large load but it still didn’t seem to fill up. I just need to move out and go someplace with a new washer.

I have to go to work today and tomorrow. I’m not getting enough days off, but, there are two days off, not just one, and I will be getting paid overtime, so the money I make is more worthwhile even though I don’t have enough free time. This is a compromise – it is not what I want, but I am tolerating it for now.

dull ache resembling premenstrual cramps

September 25, 2016

I woke up in the middle of the night tonight with a mild, dull ache that feels exactly like the premenstrual cramps that I start having in the week before my period. THIS IS VERY DISAPPOINTING. I still can’t know for sure, until the period starts. I was assuming I wouldn’t have to worry about starting my period, but now, since I feel this very mild ache, I’m going to have to start carrying around pads and ibuprofen with me as though it will start, so that I don’t
accidentally have a problem while I’m at work and I’m not expecting it.

If I am vaccinated against pregnancy, I am going to be very angry. And I wasted money on condoms all those years, too, when I lived with my ex-boyfriend.

I had a moment yesterday evening when I was suddenly able to smell every little thing, when I was walking down the street after work. I could not explain why everything smelled so strongly, out of nowhere, when usually I smell absolutely nothing unless the smell is very strong. The last time I had an incident where I was able to smell every little thing, it was when I had the rabies virus and had gotten vaccinated. Apparently, this does something to my immune system and causes me to suddenly, temporarily, become able to smell everything.

I thought it was because of pregnancy hormones, maybe, and it was a wonderful and amazing thing, to suddenly be able to smell. However, over the next hour, the effect faded, and it came out of nowhere, and it seems to be back to normal now. I was hoping it was pregnancy hormones and I was hoping I’d be able to smell everything for nine months while pregnant. It’s wonderful being able to smell every little thing. But now that I have this dull ache, coinciding with that incident, it makes me wonder – was my immune system suddenly ‘doing something?’ Was it… attacking an intruder? I can’t tell it to stop attacking the intruder. The intruder was supposed to be welcome.

I don’t know…. wait another week or two. I still don’t feel any unusual sensations, although I was ravenously hungry yesterday. However, it is normal to be ravenously hungry in the week or two before menstruation, and this has been scientifically observed too. The appetite changes during the monthly menstrual cycle. So I can’t attribute this appetite to pregnancy. This dull ache… I feel it now… it feels exactly like my mild premenstrual cramps that always are a warning that the period is coming.

Follow up. UFO.

September 24, 2016

Other planes didn’t have contrails. It varied. This one was in the same spot for a long time. It wasn’t on the horizon. Planes on the horizon always are slow from perspective. The perspective on this one was at about 2:00 in the sky, nowhere near the horizon. I saw it again and tried to photo it but it’s too small for my phone cam. It did move very very slowly, vanishing and reappearing.

4th UFO, oddest one yet

September 24, 2016

In the clear sky, it is shining in the setting sun’s light. It hovers in one place, not moving. It vanishes and reappears. I could not photograph it, as it is too small. It’s just a metal object reflecting light in the sky. Slow moving, high flying plane with no contrail? Right over the sign in the photo. Did not seem to move slowly or at all. Almost slowly spinning, reflecting sun from some surfaces but not others. Another plane has a contrail. Stationary satellite? It did NOT get in the photo. I’m just showing how the sky is, and that other planes have contrails.

Maki Yaki, and, a girl who looks like Agustin

September 24, 2016

10:29 AM 9/24/2016

I’m going to work, and I managed to take a shower and wash my hair, but I really, really need to do the laundry as soon as possible. I might have an opportunity to do it on Sunday.

So, my schedule. They didn’t want me to have three days off, but instead of putting my foot down, I am tolerating having two days off – and this is not so bad, it’s not like Kaarma. At Kaarma, I had absolutely zero flexibility, but here, I have some. At Kaarma, it was ‘work 72 hours a week for $400, or get fired and replaced.’ Here, it is ‘We worked without you yesterday, and it was horrible, all the dishes were piled up in a mountain.’ Guilt trip, but not an outright ‘we’re gonna fire you’ tactic. They are much, much nicer to me. They actually measure the hours I work, so I am being paid overtime and it depends on how many hours I work, unlike Kaarma, which was a fixed weekly amount.

I still do need free time FOR ITS OWN SAKE, and the guy who scheduled me was actually able to grasp that concept, when I discussed it with him – I forget his exact words, but he said, ‘We do pay overtime, unless what you need is actually just the time off’ or something to that effect, showing that he understood that ‘time off’ is, in and of itself, a value. Freddy at Kaarma did not understand that ‘time off’ is in and of itself a value.

So I am able to negotiate, and also I am able to earn more money per week. I didn’t have the option of earning any more than $400 at Kaarma – it was absolutely non-negotiable. I haven’t calculated how much I can earn here, but I make $7.75 and they will do the time and a half pay for hours over 40.

I’m waiting for a taxi – no bus on Saturday.

I looked online and found a picture of someone who resembles Agustin, a young girl from Guatemala. His hair was short and styled to stand up with gel. I forget the name, almost a pompadour but not quite. Sort of a spike. All of them did that with their hair, but his style was slightly different. If I can I will attach the photo I found online. I put it in a folder called ‘Truman’s Magazines,’ from The Truman Show, where he found magazine pictures that resembled the one woman who told him the truth and tried to free him, because he had no photos of her. So, Agustin looked like this. Imagine this girl as a teenage boy, slightly shorter than I am and weighing less than me.