Archive for February, 2014

oops, I actually was supposed to be taking a real lunch break

February 28, 2014

5:06 PM 2/28/2014

I misunderstood – I was actually supposed to take a real lunch break.  I’m taking one now.  I’ve eaten a little bit of food, just a piece of chicken with shredded cheddar cheese on it and some sauce, and a milkshake.  Now my intestines are cramping painfully, a sign of a stomach virus.  I’m drinking some espresso, which unfortunately is going to make my intestines speed up even more than they already are, but I’m trying to drink it to make all the pain go away.  My whole body hurts.  

I feel hopeless about everything – Jesse, of course, is the first to go – he’s the most vulnerable and unstable thing in my brain, so as soon as I start feeling sick and hopeless, I feel hopeless about Jesse right away.  But not really – I will still wait patiently until he returns to me.  That may be when the weather gets warm.  I also feel hopeless about the apartment.  I feel like I won’t be able to save any money at all if I get an apartment, and suddenly it seems like that’s going to matter, like I will regret it if I don’t have any money saved.  I feel like I will have to work too many hours to pay the rent, so I won’t have any free time and so I still won’t make any progress in my life.  

But right now, I am so incapacitated that I can’t even do anything to change my life.  I am just going to sit here and continue to live the way I’m living and drag myself to work every day and go to the hotel too many times and waste my money.  I can’t do anything but that.  

I drank my espresso, and it’s waking up my mind, but my body and spirit are still in very bad shape.  I don’t know how on earth I’m going to do my two-job day tomorrow.  

If this bitter cold would just end, things would get better very quickly.  

There are so many things I never got to do.  I wanted to do the dental fillings project, and the motorized bike.  I want to learn a million things, all the skills and knowledge.  I wanted to learn communication skills too, and psychology.  I wanted a shield that would protect me so that I could meditate without being attacked.  I wanted to do knitting and crochet and sewing.  I wanted to draw and paint and write music.  I wanted to play the violin.  I wanted to have children and teach them all these things, too.  I wanted to learn how to hunt and gather wild foods.  

But my whole life has stagnated and gotten stuck, and I have learned nothing and made no progress and no change.  I was hoping that if I got an apartment again, it might make things just easier enough for me that I could start making progress and change again.  I want to eat good food, too, every day.  I want to eat good food for every meal.  I want to take lunch bags to work with me every day and eat only the stuff out of my lunch bags.  When you are eating a good diet, you have no cravings.  I will no longer feel constantly hungry and constantly frustrated.  I want to quit caffeine again.  

I felt like I’d have to request time off work to get better, and if I did that, I’d use up my money, which would make it hard to get an apartment.  I’m scared to call off sick too often, but this illness just keeps coming back again and again with new variations.  It’s not quite as bad as the year that I thought I was getting the swine flu over and over again, but it’s similar.  Whatever it is, I cannot develop immunity to it.  I get it again and again.  

I will move slowly when I go back up to work.  And I don’t know how I will move tomorrow.  I will come in to work here at McD in the early morning sometime, and then go to TB later in the day, and then do that again Sunday.  And I was planning to try to make phone calls to people about apartments, hopefully in a better location this time.  But I know what I will want to do.  I will want to do nothing but sleep and sleep and sleep.  As I sleep, the time goes by, and it will get warmer.  I know it will.  It cannot stop getting warmer.  As it gets warmer, I will be able to function again. 

sick despair

February 28, 2014

They gave me a quick break to eat something, but it’s not a real lunch break.  I am having the symptoms again, feeling cold, wanting to cry, feeling fatigued and unable to move quickly, and feeling this huge, overwhelming, incapacitating despair, a feeling that everything is hopeless and nothing can be done.  I feel it so badly, I want to call off sick from all my jobs and take a few weeks off, starting this instant, but I haven’t done that yet.  I haven’t even called off for tomorrow – but I want to.  I want to sleep, and sleep, and sleep.  I want to get over being sick.  I cannot do this anymore.

If I click ‘new post’ again after posting this post, will it squash a second little frame down to the bottom of the screen, over and over to infinity?

February 28, 2014

I hate it, WordPress.  Get rid of this stupid, annoying, squash-the-previous-page-to-the-bottom thing when you click ‘new post’ after having posted a previous new post and then viewing it. 

I was just going to say that the movie with Voldemort and an Indian kid is called ‘The Grand Budapest Hotel.’  I googled it.  It just so happens that Retmeishka is the second google search result for “movie about voldemort and an indian kid in a hotel” without quotes.  Imdb is the first result.

waiting for the winter to end

February 28, 2014

10:55 AM 2/28/2014

I’m at the hotel, and I have to check out in a while.  I slept here last night because I was unusually sick again and thought I was going to throw up.  I was having very strange symptoms and I decided it was probably caused by one of my coworkers using painkillers while I was in the room.  He crushed them up in a little container and then inhaled them.  I must have been exposed to some of the dust that got stirred up in the air.  A short time after he did that, I started having convulsion-like symptoms, although they were not completely out of control and I still had voluntary movement, so I wasn’t collapsing on the floor.  I was leaving work anyway, so it didn’t matter.  I felt like I was going to throw up.  I was yawning over and over and over again, very intensely, like I used to when my blood sugar would crash (from Peter’s drugs and insulin).  I went to the hotel, took a bath, and did EFT tapping, and I was okay and I just went to sleep.

(*Note, I also may have caught the stomach virus.  Several coworkers had it recently.  I have diarrhea today.  Sometimes when I catch a virus and my body is trying to produce a fever, I start having the convulsion-like symptoms, and yawning when I need to vomit, and crying, which I also did last night.  It might not have been the exposure to drugs, it was just the symptoms were very weird and unusual.  I’ve gotten lots of extremely nasty and prolonged viruses this year, very unusual.  Maybe Fukushima is raining down on us in the snow, and we all have impaired immunity.*)

I will probably start trying again next week to get an apartment.  I’m just looking at sublets, mostly, which end in the summer.

Yesterday when I was at the library, a lady walked up to me and started chatting.  She was probably a puppet, because she had a lot of relevant information that I was interested in at that moment.  She talked about buying land at tax sales, about how cheap it is there.  I got her email address and I’m going to send her some questions about how to do it, although I don’t think I’m ready to do that yet, because I don’t know where I will be living.

This particular room in the hotel didn’t make me as sick as the other rooms where I usually stay.  It apparently has fewer toxic chemicals, and less perfume.  There is a disgusting perfume that they sprayed into the heater vents, down on the lower levels.  I don’t know why anyone would have the idea to spray a bunch of perfume into the heater vents, but oh well, I don’t think that way.

Steve calls me every once in a while, maybe even just once a month or so, not very often.  At most, just every few weeks, and it really is closer to just once a month.  Last time he called, I delayed calling him back, and when I did, I left a message in their voice mail, which I don’t think anyone there knows how to use.  They have a regular answering machine, and for some reason, that didn’t get triggered – maybe someone was on the phone at the time.  He never called back after I left that message, so I think he didn’t get it.  I then emailed him.  Steve and I don’t email each other much, but we do have each other’s emails in case we need it.  He got that message, and called me back.

I chatted with him on the phone for a while, but did not visit him.  I had just come home to the tent and laid down in my sleeping bags and wanted to rest for a long time.  But even if I hadn’t been resting, I feel that my relationship with Jesse is still solid enough that I do not want to see other people.

It’s funny that I would say that, because it’s still so fragile and unpredictable and I don’t know what’s going on from one day to the next – right now, his phone is broken, and our phone calls were the one thing we did that successfully helped us bond with each other.  Texting and writing doesn’t help much, but talking on the phone works well.  Now we can’t talk on the phone.  So I have absolutely no idea what’s going on in his life.

But even so, I don’t feel that our relationship has ended, and I don’t feel that it’s hopeless, I just don’t know what on earth is going on.  I’ve gotten secure enough now that I no longer feel like he has disdain for me, and he doesn’t hate me, and he doesn’t disrespect me.  I feel somewhat stronger and more trusting, and even though the relationship is still very unpredictable and unstable, I don’t feel that it’s hopeless or that it’s over anymore.  So I do not want to be with other people.  I *definitely* did not like the way it made me feel that one time many weeks ago when I saw Steve because I thought that there was absolutely no hope for any kind of relationship with Jesse at all, not even a mere friendship.  I no longer feel that way, and I don’t want to do that again.

So I told Steve firmly that I wasn’t going to do anything with him that day, although we still talked and chatted for a while.  Someone was making my phone disconnect over and over again.  I could barely get a sentence in without the phone hanging up.  And this was frustrating, because I was actually trying to explain to Steve that I really was in a relationship with Jesse.  The phone didn’t hang up during that part of the conversation, and I was able to get through most of that without being interrupted.

It’s frustrating to have no idea what’s going on with Jesse and to not be able to see him or hear his voice.  It’s hard for him to meet me because I don’t have a stable routine.  I get up out of bed at random times and go to random places during the day.  If I had an apartment, I wouldn’t need to go out to eat.  He could find me at home most of the time if I wasn’t at work.  That’s one of the reasons I want an apartment, so that it will make it easier to have some sort of relationship with him – and even if he disappears forever from my life for some reason, I still would like to have an apartment anyway.  Again, I don’t know what’s going to happen, and when I go too long without talking to him, I start to think he hates me – although not as badly as before – my faith and trust are lasting longer and longer, every time he comes back to me.  He comes back again and again, it just takes a while sometimes.  But I still don’t know.

I have to start getting ready to check out of the hotel.  The main point was that I feel secure and trusting enough now that I didn’t want to be with Steve, and I was strong enough to say no to him when he asked to visit with me.  I feel like my relationship with Jesse is unstable and unpredictable and totally unknown as of yet, but even so, it doesn’t feel hopeless anymore, and I no longer feel like he hates me and disrespects me and has disdain and contempt for me.  And every time I see him I am so happy, and I want to see him again.  I don’t know what kind of a future we have or how long this will last, but as I always say every time, I appreciate whatever time I have with him.

I feel really stupid, but I would be making a mistake if I took that apartment.

February 27, 2014

12:50 PM 2/27/2014

I just went and visited my first attempted apartment rental.  I had to get a feel for it.  I said ‘no.’  Here is what happened.  

I’ve been looking at craigslist ads for the past week or two.  I have them in an RSS feed now, so it reminds me all the time.  I had answered three ads in email, last time, and not a single one replied to my emails.  But last night, I saw one and decided to just call them on the phone.  The guy answered and we made an appointment for me to go there at noon today.

I’m looking for things in my price range.  I know from experience that I can afford a rent around $400, although ideally I would like it to be much lower than that, and it could be if I had roommates.  But I’m paying attention to any ads in that price range, and, surprisingly, I’ve been seeing a few.  

However, I have this panicky fear that maybe those won’t be around forever.  This is a socionic weakness:  I have to seize an opportunity during a time period, quickly, or else it might not be available anymore, and I have to look at several possible scenarios and choose a good one.  That is me trying to use my -Ni/+Ne function, I think.  What if, for some reason, these sublets are only occurring right now, around the end of February, but what if they stop happening in March?  It seems like I’m seeing a surprisingly large number of sublets in my price range, right around $400, which amazes me, and I’m scared that maybe it’s just a temporary opportunity that I have to seize *right now* or it will be gone for a long time.  It just seems too good to be true, and I feel like I have to grab the very first thing that crosses my path.

So I was afraid that I might say ‘yes’ to something that wasn’t really good for me.  I know I have done this in the past, just agreed to something without really accepting all the consequences, when I should have waited for a better scenario to come along.  It’s very hard for me to have faith and wait.  It’s hard for me to have faith that another opportunity will come along.  I feel like this is it, this is the moment, there will be no more opportunities ever again.  I feel like if I don’t grab these $400 sublets RIGHT NOW, I will never get another chance.

But I went there to this place today, just a few minutes ago.  It was on West Cherry Lane, on North Atherton Street.  I’ve lived close to there before when I first moved to State College.  I went there and looked around at the apartment.  It’s acceptable to me and I am sure I would have been happy to live there.  

However, I have to ride my bike just a bit too far.  I didn’t really understand just how hard it was going to be, by looking at the map.  I didn’t really understand it until I went there today, and then tried to ride my bike out of there towards South Atherton where I work.  I know it would feel like a very long bike trip every day.  

I’ve been seeing other sublets from around Westerly Parkway and Blue Course Drive and that area, and that would be closer to where I want to be.  However, those were the people who I had emailed and never gotten a reply from.  I would need to call them, but I hadn’t yet realized that calling them was essential and that it was the only way to get an answer.  The only person who answered me so far was this guy at this place where it was just a little bit too far away for me to ride there on my bike every day.  

But even so, this is the whole point of living in a tent.  I do not have any particular move-in date.  I do not have to leave this very instant.  I can wait.  I can wait a whole year if I want to.  I can wait until next February, if, for some strange reason, there are a whole bunch of cheap sublets always appearing in February.  I still don’t understand why anybody would be moving out of their apartments in February, since it doesn’t coincide with any particular Penn State schedule.  Since I don’t understand it, I can’t explain it or predict it or have faith that it will continue to happen.  Why would people leave in February and want to sublet their apartments?  Why would they want to leave suddenly in March?  Why April?  and so on.  I cannot imagine why anyone would want to leave, and sublet, at any particular moment, so I can’t guarantee that it will keep on happening, so I don’t know if it’s safe for me to wait and pass up opportunities as I look for a better scenario.  I’m sure this is a socionic weakness.  I have a lot of anxiety about this.  

I went and walked around his apartment, and he said he would send me a text message later this evening.  However, after I left, after I rode my bike up and down some hills, thinking to myself that it was going to be a *very* long ride to get to work every day, after I got here to Schlow Library, I decided I had to send him an email.

I decided to be self-accepting.  I feel like an idiot.  It was really stupid of me to not understand that West Cherry Lane was going to be too hard for me to ride my bike to.  Anybody would have known that, but not me, because I’m retarded.  I made a stupid mistake and I wasted that guy’s time.  I decided to express these emotions in an email to him, thank him for showing me around, and apologize for wasting his time, and say I regret that I can’t take his sublet.  

This is self-accepting, because if I *didn’t* accept those negative emotions, then I would feel obligated to just grab the sublet right now without admitting that I made a mistake.  I would be trying to deny the fact that I feel like a retard because I couldn’t understand that West Cherry Lane was going to be too far for me to ride my bike to every day.  Then I would be stuck going back and forth up and down those hills for months, in misery, and I would be exhausted all the time – and being exhausted all the time is one of the problems that I am hoping to fix!  I need to *reduce* my bike riding and walking, not increase it.  I exercise too much as it is, and have no energy for anything else.  

So maybe I am a retard for not realizing that by looking at the map, but which is worse – apologizing for wasting that guy’s time, or, spending months and months going up and down all those hills to get to and from work every day because I’m in a bad location (it’s a great location if you have a car, but bad if you have to ride a bike down that particular route to the place where I work).  I decided it was better to just tell him I made a mistake, and then, try again to look for someplace else.

I am just getting warmed up, and this was my practice run, and I screwed up.  I found out how much money I was going to have to have saved up, too, which was helpful, because I need to save just a little bit more and have it set aside so it’s ready to go.  I do have some, but not quite that much.  It will be easy to get.  

Now, I just have to wait till this work week is over, and then, next week, I will try again.  I will make a phone call, and then go visit some place.  Maybe it will be in a good location for me.  What if there are no more opportunities?  Oh well, I will have to wait.  I’ll make a few calls and see if anything is available, next week when I have free time again and I’ve rested.  I won’t be able to do it during my work week.  I need to think carefully about whether I really can ride my bike someplace or not.  How much should I compromise?  How perfect should it be?  How long should I wait?  I don’t know.  Sooner or later, I will just take what is there.

Winter’s Tale – an IEE movie for sure

February 27, 2014

12:01 AM 2/27/2014

Yep, I was right – it’s an IEE movie.  Character:  An IEE male thief who can’t remember his past.  Lots of other IEE characters, and then, the Easily Defeated Bad Guy, Russell Crowe, is an ESI, and yes, HE DIES, but at the end this time.  Russell Crowe has got to be really sick of dying all the time by now.  I saw that look of embarrassment, humiliation, shame, worthlessness, weakness, and something which I describe as ‘lying’ or ‘insincerity’ or ‘fakeness,’ at the moment when all his henchmen were killed and he was left alone to fight.  I recognize that look from other ESIs who I know in real life – it is how I perceive their expressions of emotion, and it is one of the emotions that stands out when I look at them, one of the emotions that helps me type them as ESI because I’ve seen it so often.  Will Smith, another actor who has been typed as an IEE, played Lucifer.  And lots of people running around interfering in everybody’s destinies, of course – the kind of stuff I experience every day of my life.  

I also liked the movies that were advertised in previews at the beginning of the movie, but I might not remember them when they come out – some Jesus movie that’s coming out on February 28th, and some movie with Voldemort and some Indian kid running around in a hotel.  I’d watch that if only I could remember the name of it.  Anyway, Winter’s Tale:  curing cancer (yep, been there, done that), curing terminal illnesses and all that, the usual, and kissing someone once and then vanishing from their life after you’ve made your impact (apparently, all IEEs love to do this to people).  

I knew what kind of movie this was going to be.  It was good.  It also had a very good soundtrack during the credits at the end.  The song was called ‘Miracle,’ I think, and the melody had skips and jumps, where it leaps up to a note several steps higher, which I love.  This is associated with the Ne information element.  

I’m just a bit worried that ‘they’ think Jesse’s work in my life is done and that there’s no need for me to see him anymore.  He crashed into me and knocked me off course so I’m no longer looking for Rick in Georgia, but now I’m stuck here in State College looking for an apartment, which is not really where I’d like to be, and I still don’t have a soulmate or a husband.  And I doubt that I had much beneficial impact on Jesse during our brief couple of hours together.  In my opinion, work usually takes longer than that.  

But, whatever, I don’t have a choice about this.  I’ll find out if he ever chooses to speak to me again.  In real life, there’s a lot more friction involved when you intervene in people’s lives.  And free will still matters more than anything else in the universe.

I think I will go see ‘Winter’s Tale’ tonight

February 26, 2014

(*Edit:  It’s just called ‘Winter’s Tale,’ not ‘A Winter’s Tale.’*)

I’ve been thinking of seeing a movie but had no idea what was on.  ‘Winter’s Tale’ looks interesting.  It has Russell Crowe in it, and he always dies in every movie that I’ve seen him in lately (Superman, and that singing movie, whatever it was, doggone it.  Les Miserables!).  So I’ll predict that he’s gonna die early on in this movie and come back as a ghost for the rest of the movie, because for some reason, he’s been playing a lot of characters that do that, and I guess they think he’s really good at playing that kind of character, the guy who dies and comes back as a ghost and that kind of thing.  If it’s Russell Crowe, it’s got ‘death’ written all over it.  I’ll be surprised if he makes it all the way through this film.  Now that I think about it, that will be almost impossible for him to do, because the description of the movie says that it takes place over a century of time.  Aside from all that, the movie looks interesting.  I’ve never heard of it before, but just happened to click on it in the list of movies on the google movies page.  It looks sort of chick-flickish and romancey and magical.  Something having to do with destiny.  It starts at 9:30 so I have a while to wait, so I might play video games while I sit here or something.

more about getting an apartment

February 26, 2014

5:47 PM 2/26/2014

I called the guy back and made an appointment to go visit the apartment tomorrow.  That doesn’t guarantee that I’m going to get it.  It just means I’ll find out whether there are any major obstacles preventing me from getting an apartment.  I’ll find out what I have to fix.  I might discover that people don’t want to let me move in because of my bad credit history, or because I have been homeless since the fall of 2011 (wow, that was a long time ago – I don’t believe it!  I lived in my car for the first few months…) and so I don’t have a recent apartment reference.  However, I have two stable jobs, and if I can prove that I’ve been working steadily all this time, they might let me in.  

There is one good thing that I have gained:  I will no longer feel so trapped and helpless.  I know that it’s possible to survive by camping outdoors for years at a time, even in the winter.  It’s difficult and unpleasant and you give up a lot of things, but it can be done.  So I should never again feel that I am trapped or that I absolutely have to get an apartment right away.  If all else fails, I’ll know that I’m capable of camping in the woods for long periods of time.  I will also know that it’s perfectly comfortable to sleep in zero degree weather if you just have enough sleeping bags inside each other, and I can easily do that if my apartment loses the electricity (which it inevitably will, because of our stupid society and their refusal to prepare for recurring problems that inevitably happen every year, and their stupid houses without any insulation, and their stupid water pipes that are unprotected and vulnerable to freezing if you should dare to turn off the heat or turn it down too low in the winter).  

It might turn out that Jesse stops talking to me once and for all – every time we have a problem, I never know how it’s going to turn out, because of all my horrible past experiences of being rejected and ignored by people.  But I want to make it easier for me to spend time with him in the future, and that is another reason why I want to get an apartment.  (If we absolutely had to go camping together for some reason, we could still do that if I lived in an apartment.)  

There are all these projects that I have had to postpone because of the winter.  I can’t build my motorized bike, for instance.  I can’t do the dental filling thing.  I can’t format my computer’s hard drive and reinstall the operating system.  Anything that involves tools and appliances, I can’t do.  I have to wait till it’s warm outside.  I want to do some of those things and I want to be able to do them easily and quickly.

I’ve wanted to build a house on Mt. Nittany out of natural materials, and if I had that, I’d be more insulated and could do things indoors in the winter.  But I don’t know if I’ll be staying here in this area – that’s another uncertain part of this future.  I don’t want to build my little natural cottage if I am going to move someplace else.  

I am not entirely off-the-grid.  I am not entirely transitioned over to living without money, living completely in the wild, hunting and gathering for myself.  I still want to do those things.  But right now, I still have jobs and am still trying to save money for some things.  Because I am still living halfway in civilization, it’s easier for me to do that if I have electricity and a house.  I don’t really want those things, in the long run.  They are a reluctant compromise.  

But all my progress has stalled, in every way, and that includes saving money.  I *am* saving money, just a little bit, very slowly.  But it is so slow that it’s almost not worth doing.  It would almost be more worthwhile to pay the rent, and have all the benefits of living in an apartment all the time, such as a refrigerator for my food, rather than paying a lot of money to stay in a hotel only a couple times a week, without any refrigerator.  It’s the same as if I were paying a very low rent, but not having any of the benefits of the apartment – no fridge, no bath.  And I’ll still be going to the hotel a lot as soon as the thunderstorms begin.  As soon as it rains, the trees start falling in the woods.  It’s not just the lightning I’m scared of, it’s the falling trees.  They fall when it rains.  Not wind, not snow, but rain makes them fall.  I don’t have protection from falling trees at my current campsite.  I did at my previous campsites – I was camping underneath some bent-over trees which would have protected me if a tree had fallen on top of me – but I contaminated the soil there and had to leave.  Now, there is nothing over me, and a tree could fall on me and kill me.  This is not just some trivial fear.  Jared Diamond talked about this in ‘The World Until Yesterday.’  Trees falling on people and killing them are a well-known danger in primitive societies that live in the woods.  Since I can’t do any outdoor projects when it’s freezing, I can’t build some kind of infrastructure that would protect me from falling trees.  I tried, once, last year, but it failed, and I was never able to complete it.  

If I can get a roommate who will pay part of the rent, that would make it even easier for me to live in an apartment, and I’d be paying about the same amount of money that I pay now to sleep in the hotel a few times a month.  Yes, I’d love it if Jesse moved in with me, but since I’m unable to contact him most of the time, I can’t even discuss this type of thing with him.  He wouldn’t be paying the rent at first.  I’m looking at places where I already know I can afford the rent by myself, from past experience, places where the rent is similar to what I paid in the past.  Every plan involving Jesse is just a fantasy until we can see each other and talk to each other again.  His phone isn’t working right now…. I don’t know what to think, but oh well.  I have to assume that I’m doing everything by myself, for now.  It has to work without anybody else involved in the plan.  

If I find out that living in an apartment again is bad for me, I can always go back to camping, now that I know I can do it.  That is the one good thing I have gained:  I have gained another option, through experience.  I know it’s easy, I know it’s not that scary, I know it’s not impossible.  It can be done, it isn’t unthinkable, it’s easy.  

There is really only one thing I want to get from living in an apartment:  food.  I am *SO SICK* of having to eat whatever foods I can get at restaurants.  I don’t have a fridge.  So I have to get small portions of foods so that there’s nothing leftover that has to be refrigerated.  I *hate* not being able to choose exactly which foods I want.  I have so much knowledge of nutrition, so much curiosity about trying new foods, so much love of food in general, that it kills me and takes away so much of my enjoyment of life if I have to eat horrible food for years at a time.  Living in an apartment won’t guarantee that I eat good foods all the time, but it will make it better than it is now.  

There are still things that can go wrong, and that have gone wrong in the past, with refrigerators – I cooked bone marrow, and the vapors from the bone marrow got into the fridge, and they contaminated all my other food, and when I ate anything at all in that fridge, I would get triggered to vomit by the tiny quantities of bone marrow vapors.  I tried to clean out the fridge, but it didn’t work – it was impossible to clean it out well enough to get rid of the vapors.  So I know not to cook any experimental foods indoors, and not to put any experimental foods into the fridge.  That’s why I had to stop using the fridge at my previous apartment.  And then, I was working too many hours at two jobs to be able to cook at home.  

But as long as *that* doesn’t happen, as long as nothing contaminates my fridge and poisons me every time I try to eat, then I’ll be able to use the fridge and the freezer.  

Since I am a puppet and a victim of electronic mind control, a victim of constant unavoidable attacks, I don’t know what kind of life manipulation to expect.  They could force me to get the idea to do some new and unexpected thing that would ruin my life all over again and contaminate my apartment and my belongings again.  I never know in advance what it’s going to be.  But even so, I am going to try once again to get an apartment.  What I really need is my own house, where I have control of everything, so that I can do whatever is necessary to clean it up and take care of it and avoid using pesticides and all that.  There are things I just can’t do in an apartment because I don’t own it, such as remove all the contaminated carpets and replace all of the floor to get rid of the drug residues.  I could do those things myself in a house.  But I’m not owning a house right now – I don’t know where I will go in the future….

This is temporary, and it is a compromise.  If it goes badly, I can go camping again.  So I will try. I will meet this guy tomorrow and visit the apartment and find out what I need to do and find out what my obstacles are. 

Reasons for getting an apartment – this is not finished yet

February 26, 2014

5:05 PM 2/26/2014

I am seriously considering moving into an apartment again, even though I have failed to accomplish some of the goals I wanted to accomplish by living outside.  I actually made a phone call today to a craigslist ad, and I have to call them back in a little while, so I don’t know how it’s going to go yet.  

What did I need to accomplish by living outside?  

1. I got away from the drug residues.  That worked.  I got drug residues into the soil around my tents because I had some garbage bags full of stuff that came out of the car, and a skunk ripped open the bag because it had a little bit of food in it, and after that, the stuff got spread around on the ground near the tent, and I reacted to it.  I moved away from that spot to a nearby area, only to find that I still had some reactions to the soil there.  But overall, it is less severe.  I could easily move into an apartment and take precautions to prevent floor contamination.  I wasn’t able to do that in the past.  I was moving from place to place and tracking drug residues from my car and my belongings into every new apartment where I moved.  Now that I got rid of the car and most of my belongings, that won’t happen anymore.  

2. Saving money.  This failed.  I was able to save *a little bit* of money, but last winter, I started going to the hotel, and that destroyed most of my savings.  Now I’m able to save a trivial amount of money, slowly.  I’m not going to the hotel merely because it’s cold outside, I also go there every time there’s a thunderstorm when it’s warm outside.  In fact, I actually prefer the winter – it’s much more peaceful, no spiders, no bees, no thunderstorms.  I’m not cold when I’m in my four sleeping bags.  I just can’t do anything in or around the tent because my hands freeze as soon as I get out of the sleeping bag, and that’s the only nice thing about the summer – I can clean up or do little tasks outdoors without frostbite.  But thunderstorms are impossible – I just *can’t* sleep in a tent in a thunderstorm.  I’ve done it several times, and it is absolutely intolerable.  If I had already started having my babies at age 12 like God intended, then I wouldn’t be so worried about death right now, and I’d be okay with getting struck by lightning – but, alas, I still have things to do on this earth, and I have not yet accomplished the purpose of my life, which is to have babies.  So, I’m not ready to die yet.  So it terrifies me when I can feel the sensation of electricity running through my body every single time there is a lightning bolt within several miles of me.  

Since I’m not really saving much money by living in a tent, and since I’ve escaped from the drug residues and could easily move back into an apartment without bringing any more contamination, there is not much to gain by living in the tent anymore.

I do love living in a peaceful, natural place on the mountain with the wild animals around me.  I love it that my tent always has fresh air.  When I sleep in the hotel, I always notice the *horrible* air quality, because their windows are closed all the time and their air is stale and full of chemicals and all the negative ions are depleted by the artificial heat.  This chemical-filled environment actually makes me feel sick and fatigued every time I sleep at the hotel.  I can definitely tell the difference in how I feel.  I feel healthier when I sleep in the tent.  

This will, sadly, be true for every apartment that I live in, because all building materials are made with toxic chemicals nowadays, and the landlords will foolishly poison everything with even more chemicals, as they spray for nonexistent insects and spray the weeds on the lawn and everything.  Every carpet, every painted surface, every fake wooden panel made out of – what’s that stuff called? the wood chips that are all glued together with poisonous formaldehyde-filled glue?  Plywood, or something.  Not plywood.  Whatever it is.  Everything made out of that stuff will give off poisonous gases, and I’ll get all that from living indoors.  I’ll always be fatigued and sick from living indoors, and I know that now, after living in a tent and noticing how much better I feel.  

The only way I could avoid it would be by owning my own house and controlling what materials the house is made of and controlling the environment so that nobody ever sprays any toxic chemicals near my house.  I also need to avoid having gas or oil for heating and cooking – it has to be all electricity.  Gases and oils always make me sick when I’m in the house with them.  

I still want to learn everything about living in the wild.  I want to learn how to hunt and dry the meats to preserve them without a refrigerator.  I still want to identify edible plants.  I still want to make tools out of natural materials, blankets out of animal hides, houses out of mud and sticks and skins and stones and fibers.  I still want all of that.  I haven’t achieved any of those goals yet.  

However, since I’m no longer saving much money by living in the tent, and since all of my goals have been postponed, and I’m stagnant – I haven’t achieved anything useful at all for a long time.  I did get a second job, last fall, but haven’t been working enough to save much money, because it’s winter, and I can’t work as much in the winter, since I feel like crap when it’s cold and dark outside.  I can work more hours when it’s warm, and I might have a better chance of doing the ‘get rich quick project’ and working a lot of hours and saving money by living in the tent when it’s warm outside.  I might go to the hotel less often, although I’ll still go every time there’s a thunderstorm.  I might still have a chance at the get rich quick project when it gets warm.  

Maybe I’m just being brainwashed to think that it’s time for me to move into an apartment.  Maybe this was their idea.  I don’t know.  I could try it again for a short time and see if it does me any good.  I think what will happen is that I will suffer from chronic fatigue badly again as soon as I move back into an apartment.  

My future was changed and redirected because I met Jesse.  I had been thinking I would save money and then try to go meet Rick and get a reality check by meeting him.  That was the main purpose of saving money.  I had to save up enough that I could afford a plane ticket and then afford to stay somewhere for an unknown length of time while attempting to meet him in the real world.  

Then I met Jesse and now I have someone to focus on right here, although my relationship with him is so unstable that I never know from one day to the next if I will ever see him again.  I’m unable to contact him about 98% of the time (and I’m going through one of those times again right now) due to various random technical difficulties and/or relationship issues.  Jesse was enough to confuse my future so that I no longer felt like I was going to go to try to visit Rick, but yet, Jesse is not really ‘in’ my life, either, in a stable way – like I said, he could vanish forever at any moment and refuse to ever speak to me again.  I can’t see where my future is going, because I would like to have more of Jesse in my future, but I have no control over that.  He only communicates with me or visits me when all of the planets are aligned in exactly the right way, which is rare. 

I am sick of the entire internet being controlled by retards.

February 26, 2014

I hate the stupid design of every single fucking web page on the internet.  Every one of them.  Every fucking web page is so pathetically designed that I could design a better web page with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back, while drunk, and paralyzed, than these people do.  And that sounds rather scary, and I hope never to be in that situation, but nevertheless.  That’s probably something that ‘they’ wanted me to say, because that’s the kind of thing they love.  But anyway, I hate the internet.  I hate it that the entire internet and all software and all operating systems and browsers are designed by fools and morons and retards.  I hate it that we abandoned frames on the internet and never bothered to make anything that can do what old-fashioned HTML frames were able to do when the internet first began, and anyone who tells you that the new frames are as good as the old frames is a fool.  Don’t even listen to a word they say and don’t be brainwashed by their insanity.  They are completely and totally wrong.  I hate the internet, I hate non-html web pages that don’t work and give me garbage errors, I hate badly designed software, I hate everything.  I just want to do some simple, quick tasks, but it has to take twenty minutes of struggling with a malfunctioning web page to even get the simplest little thing done.  If I weren’t sick and if I weren’t preoccupied with other tasks I have to do that have higher priority, I’d write my own browser in assembly language, and I’d make web pages that used frames.  The end.

precious time

February 24, 2014

7:33 PM 2/24/2014

I have a horrible cold virus that seems to be going on for weeks.  I have been sleeping in the hotel too much.  I’ve been thinking seriously about getting an apartment, but nobody replied to my couple of emails to craigslist ads.  I will have to try again, and this time I will have to call them on the phone and talk to them in addition to emailing them.  I really wish that ‘tiny housing’ was available here.  I’ve been reading about it.  It’s obvious to me, but for some reason, our insane society refuses to do anything that could benefit poor people.  

It seems like only the government is allowed to provide low-cost housing, at taxpayer expense, and it has to be huge and luxurious and full of unneeded space, and it has to be provided to recreational drug addicts and welfare recipients and people who *want* to get government money forever.  The government will only allow cheap housing for those people, because those people don’t want to bite the hand that feeds them.  The government doesn’t want any cheap housing to be available for frugal but hardworking people – it seems – who might use all the extra money for revolting against the government or, I dunno, buying guns and ammo and getting prepared for the collapse of society or something.  That’s my opinion.  

It really seems like all of the government is opposed to any form of housing that is provided by the free market and is available to anyone who earns any amount of money without any government paperwork, cheap housing that isn’t income-dependent.  All these zoning laws and stuff make it nearly impossible to make tiny houses available and allow anybody at all to live in them.  I’m sure that the government doesn’t want anybody to be able to save money.  They want everybody everywhere to be just barely living paycheck to paycheck, so that nobody has even a single second of spare time or a single dollar of spare money for revolting against the government.  Everyone is powerless and poor.

That’s how it feels when I’m hunting for an apartment.  I *hate* apartment hunting.  It’s even harder now that I have a bike.  I have to consider places where I wouldn’t have wanted to live before – in town.  I have to be close enough to everything, close to work, close to bus routes.  Now that I’m hunting for an apartment again, I’m aware of all these things that I normally don’t have to think about – the hugeness of empty space, which is meant to be filled with dozens of gigantic couches and fancy tables and chairs and big-screen television sets where you and your 200 friends will party every weekend – I don’t need all that wasted space in my apartment.  I need a tiny closet-sized bedroom, and a kitchen and bathroom, and nothing more.  I don’t have furniture and I won’t be getting any.  I’m also going to have to think about things like whether the landlords are insane enough to poison the entire inside of the house with unnecessary pesticides for bugs that don’t exist, like my previous landlords used to do.  Every time they did, I became totally incapacitated and unable to work.

So far, so good, with Jesse.  We are having some problems now because his phone isn’t working.  I don’t know how long it will be till he gets that fixed.  Every time we have seen each other, we have been getting along well.  I just feel helpless and frustrated because I have no way to reach him if he can’t use his phone.  He’s living at home with his parents as of right now, and I haven’t pushed him to allow me to visit him at home, and I imagine his parents might not be happy to see a 39-year-old woman trying to have a sexual relationship with their 19-year-old son.  There was an incident where he told me that I could call him late at night, and when I did, he didn’t answer, and I sent some text messages.  Someone claiming to be his dad replied to one of my text messages and told me Jesse was asleep.  I wasn’t sure if it really was his dad or if it was Jesse himself.  

But I began to wonder if maybe his dad had said something to me the other day.  I went several days thinking Jesse was mad at me because of something that he said in a text message, which seemed to rudely brush me off and it hurt my feelings.  I started thinking maybe his dad had sent that message – it, too, had been late at night when Jesse might have been asleep.  Jesse himself had told me, don’t hesitate to call him late because he stays up late, and I asked, more than once, if it was okay, to be sure, and he said yes.  

I am so delighted every time I see him.  I haven’t been kissing him, partly because I have a horrible cold, and partly because the last time I saw him, I hadn’t had a chance to brush my teeth yet, and I have an open cavity in my mouth, which causes me to have extremely bad breath, which I am self-conscious about.  I don’t want him to walk away after kissing me and go ‘bleah! that was horrible!’  

But if I am feeling reasonably well, I always go up and hug him.  We aren’t spending unlimited time together.  We have only seen each other a few times, only for a few hours each time, and usually with some kind of time limit – last time, I had to be at work in a couple of hours.  I am sometimes extremely anxious when I’m with him.  But I will have to write more later – I’m going to catch a bus.  I always relax eventually and just enjoy being with him.  As I keep saying, I am extremely grateful for being able to spend any time with him at all, and every moment that I have with him is precious.  I don’t know how long it will last, I don’t know how long we will be able to see each other, I don’t know if he will stay or if he will allow me in his life for a long time, I only know that he is allowing me now, for the time being.  Until it ends, it is a precious time.

No ad replies yet

February 19, 2014

11:51 AM 2/19/2014

Well, nobody answered my three craigslist ad replies yet.  Either people on craigslist don’t give a crap about answering their emails – and I’m not the only one who has observed this – or the hackers ate the emails.  Either way, nothing.  When I’ve posted ads on craigslist for something people actually want, I’ve gotten dozens of replies, and it’s very hard to answer them all and follow through on them all.  That whole business model is hard.  It needs to be redesigned.  Something about the timing and how you follow through.  It’s the concept of getting lots of replies without even really knowing which criteria you have.  What is the ideal reply?  What are you seeking?  How perfect does it have to be?  Is it really necessary to make people ‘compete’ to get something they want?  Couldn’t we give something to everyone?  I’m questioning the entire concept of scarcity itself here.  Oh well.  

Jesse spoke to me when I called him last night, so we are okay.

I would have to make phone calls to actively pursue the apartment.  I don’t know if I have enough willpower to do that today.  Maybe… I might….

I hate using craigslist. Moving into an apartment will ruin my life.

February 18, 2014

4:51 PM 2/18/2014

I am definitely sick today.  

I keep checking my email, hoping someone from craigslist has replied.  It’s only been a couple of hours.  Nobody has answered.  People put up ads, they get a hundred responses in the first hour, whatever is being offered is snatched up in less than a day, and then they leave the ads just hanging there for weeks and weeks even though it’s no longer available, and they ignore all the hundreds of people who keep trying to reply to the ad.  I hate it.  

I get angry whenever I (or ‘they’) try to remind me about all the wonderful things I will be able to do as soon as I get an apartment again.  All of it is bullshit, and I know it is.  Here is what I really will do:  I will get sick from black mold, I will get sick from pesticides.  Steve will invade the apartment because I am incapable of lying or hiding anything.  He’ll call me on the phone and ask how I am, and I’ll be all happy because I got an apartment, and I’ll be incapable of hiding it from him, which will inevitably lead to my telling him where it is, whether I want to or not, and from then on, he will be at my apartment all the time, and everything will get covered with tobacco residues, and I’ll be unable to have any other relationships with other people who I really want to be with.  I’ll spend every waking minute of my life with Steve, because he’s unemployed and on disability!

I’ll work five days a week at two jobs because I can’t even barely stay afloat any other way, and as a result, I’ll be too tired to cook and use the stove, the stove that supposedly was the great thing I could use in an apartment, so I’ll never cook for myself even when I have a kitchen and a fridge and a stove.  On my days off, I’ll be desperately trying to do a couple of trivial chores, such as laundry, and one chore per day will exhaust me and use up all my willpower, so I won’t have even a tiny bit of energy left for preparing healthy food, or doing, god forbid, any hobbies or fun activities.

Ah yes, all the wonderful hobbies that I so enjoy doing!  I love experimenting with new foods, knitting, crocheting, sewing – yes, I’ll buy a serger again – reading books, studying, using the Schaum’s Outline books, playing the violin and disturbing the neighbors, learning how to do assembly language programming, cleaning up the computer and learning how to fix it, making my own web page for profit, doing a Millionaire Fastlane project, building my motorized bike, building an electromagnetic shield (because yeah, I don’t need my own workshop for that!  I can just do it in my apartment!  I’ll just do all the welding myself, over the carpet!).  

Sure, I can do all these things in the five minutes of free time that I will have left after working five days at two jobs to pay the rent, and then doing my laundry and shopping on my days off, and sleeping off all the caffeine I had to use – which, by the way, I’ll be able to quit caffeine again once I get an apartment!  Yippee!  And I’ll be able to quit using the internet again, too, and I’ll go offline and stop writing to people who want me to drop dead!  Then I’ll write my own novel and I’ll sell it and make a million dollars and never have to work again – all in my enormous amounts of free time I’ll have after working eighty hours a week.  I’ll also search for a ‘real job,’ of course, working with the temp agency, and losing the job every couple weeks when the assignment ends, and trying to fit my stable McDonald’s job around the temp job so that I have something to fall back on when the high-paying temp jobs end – I know!  I’ll work eight AM to five PM at the temp job Monday through Friday, then I’ll work at McD on Saturday and Sunday!  No, wait, I’ll work at McD from 6 PM to 10 PM every night, and then get up the next morning and go to my temp job.  Yeah, this sounds better and better every minute.  I can’t wait to have so much fun!

So yeah, life will be great in every possible way as soon as I get an apartment.  I’ll be able to live again!  I get to enjoy being poisoned by the landlords spraying for nonexistent insects on the floor of my apartment every couple months, so that I suffer from crippling chronic fatigue that makes me call off sick from work and lose all my jobs!  Can’t wait!

I replied to three apartment ads, but I’m not expecting any answers.

February 18, 2014

You know, WordPress, I fucking hate everything you’ve done with this stupid site.  I really, sincerely do.  I want to make my own blogging site and show you how a sane person would do it.  WTF is this crap about ‘New Post’ making my previous post get squashed down to the bottom of the screen so that the ‘new post’ page is in a sort of frame up above, and I can still see the old post below, but have no option to close the old post, but CAN close the ‘new post’ frame, or pop it out into a new window – wtf?  I just want to close that goddamn bottom frame and get rid of the old post – why the hell would I still need to see my old post squashed down into a tiny frame at the bottom of the screen while I’m writing a new post?  This is just insane and stupid!

Anyway, here is the original blog I was writing in notepad.  I feel sick today, which is why I’m cursing and swearing and filled with hate and anger.  My stomach is upset.

2:55 PM 2/18/2014

I actually replied to a couple of craigslist apartment ads.  I know from experience on craigslist that nobody ever writes back.  I’d prefer not to call people on the phone, but I could if nobody ever replies by email.  I’ll just see if anyone answers emails first, then maybe I’ll try calling if they don’t.  

I only answered three ads, although I saw there were more within a not-too-insane price range (as long as I have two jobs!).  However, I can’t bring myself to answer tons and tons of ads all at once.  It’s possible that I will run up against some kind of barrier that makes all of them impossible, for instance, my credit record.  I might answer a hundred ads, then discover that all of them reject me for a bad credit history.  So I will just start the process and see what happens.  

No, I don’t want to live in an apartment.  I don’t want to live in State College.  I don’t want to pay rent.  I want to learn how to live in the wild, for free.  However, I’m not able to save enough money by living in a tent, because I go to the hotel so much.  I’m saving some money, but not enough.  It’s taking forever, and life is so difficult.  I can’t do the simplest things in my tent.  I don’t have infrastructure.  And I haven’t built any infrastructure on the mountain because I wanted to get off the contaminated soil around my tent area.  I have to wait till it gets warmer to do any project that involves moving to a new location and building a tent there.  

In the long run, I still want to live on my own land and get my own food, whether it’s hunting and gathering, or more like a farm.  For now I sort of am willing to reluctantly (see all those qualifiers?) move into an apartment and see if I can make any progress.  Maybe I will give up on this.  Maybe it will just be an unsustainable manic project.  I don’t know.  If nobody answers my emails, I might run out of energy and give up.  I might not want to do this tomorrow.  

It’s just that when I live in an apartment, I *have to* work lots of hours at two jobs.  There is no other way.  If I live in a tent, I *can* work only three days a week.  However, my food is really expensive, and the occasional hotel stays are also really expensive, and both of those things are undermining me.  If I had a fridge and freezer, I wouldn’t spend so much on food, and I’d have exactly the food I want, so I don’t have to constantly eat food I hate.  In the long run, I still want wild food.  I’m not really doing anything that I actually *want* to do.  It’s all a compromise.  I might change my mind tomorrow. 

Anxiety, horrible food, and ‘wanting’ an apartment again (as a necessary compromise)

February 18, 2014

11:22 AM 2/18/2014

If I get really involved in writing this, I won’t be able to finish it, because I don’t have a lot of time.  I’m about to check out of the hotel and catch the bus into town.  I’m thinking of how to avoid meeting any puppets when I go into town – the murderers always force some person to ‘accidentally’ encounter me on the sidewalk in town, such as Steve, or the other homeless guy whose name I can’t remember who I find sort of annoying, or that one guy who has some kind of social behavior disorder and always wants to take off my shoes and touch my feet – I tolerate him sometimes, but when I’m feeling antisocial, I’m not in the mood for him, and one day, I actually crossed the street to avoid him, and he saw me crossing the street, and he crossed the street to follow me to the other side so he could say hello to me.  These puppets are forced to suddenly get the urge to leave the library at the exact moment that I am coming up the sidewalk by the library.  I have to go through some roundabout side streets to avoid all the puppets who want to come up and hug me and touch me and/or have sex.  The murderers will force this to happen because I am temporarily cleaner than usual, since I slept in the hotel, took a shower, and recently did my laundry.  The murderers want all my clothes to be covered in Steve’s tobacco – if I am constantly covered in tobacco residues, then I am more controllable, constantly hungry, and able to feel the zings whenever they start rhythmically zapping my head with that Morse code crap – zing-zing-zing, zing, zing, zing-zing, zing-zing, over and over, a million times a day.  I can only feel those zings when I’m covered in drugs and tobacco.  

None of this would matter so much, but Jesse is mad at me, and so I have to be totally able to control my behavior and my urges – it’s now desperately important for me to be able to resist being forced to do things they suggest for me to do.  If they start suggesting/forcing me to keep on pursuing Jesse and trying to talk to him when he doesn’t want to talk to me, that will cause major conflicts.  If Jesse wants me to leave him alone forever and never speak to him again, I won’t be able to do that if I’m covered in tobacco and other drugs and vulnerable to the forced urges from the murderers.  If Jesse welcomes me into his life, then it doesn’t matter so much if I’m covered in drugs and being forced to pursue him, as long as he’s being nice to me and tolerating my constant pursuit.  He never pursues me, he never initiates, and so I assume that he is not really all that interested in me and is merely tolerating me, except when he’s drunk – if he’s drunk, he loses his inhibitions, and suddenly, it no longer seems so disgusting to be with an ugly old hag.  But when he’s sober, the ugly old hag is creepy and disgusting again, and he merely tolerates me.  It’s only a matter of time before he rejects me permanently for some reason and tells me to never, ever speak to him again or communicate with him in any way ever again.  It’s inevitable – it happens every time.  

I’ve eaten junk food at the hotel, the most disgusting foods imaginable.  I had a gift card for a free pizza, from Christmas.  But it was for a free large one-topping pizza.  Normally, I only order a small, and I order it with lots of toppings.  So I got a large pepperoni pizza, not what I really wanted.  I ate some of that last night and had to abandon a few pieces.  I also ate gummy bears from the snack machine, and a bottle of Pepsi, and a sickeningly sweet artifical mocha from the coffee machine.  I felt nauseated afterwards.  This morning I’ve had cereal (Frosted Flakes) and skim milk (skim is all they had!!!) in the breakfast area of the hotel, and I’ve had coffee with fake creamer and sugar.  These meals are the worst possible things I could be eating, and now, I am anxious and unable to think clearly and unable to concentrate.  I can tell when I violate the Feingold Diet too much.  I’m not formally using the Feingold Diet, but just sort of unofficially and informally avoiding too much artificial crap, and I can tell when I’ve gone too far, and this is it.  My brain is failing now.  

I am thinking I want to get an apartment.  I don’t really ‘want’ that, ideally.  And I don’t have enough time right now to go into it.  I just know that I will be able to keep cleaner, and therefore control my behavior better, if I can shower every day.  If I don’t have to go into town all the time, I can avoid all the puppets who will be forced to encounter me on the sidewalk, and avoid Steve.  If it turns out that Jesse is now rejecting me for eternity, it will be extremely important for me to be able to resist forced urges to keep pursuing him after that.  I can do that best if I am clean every day and if I have my own real foods in the refrigerator.  Yes, it’s very frustrating that I still haven’t learned how to hunt and gather wild foods and preserve them and prepare them without a refrigerator, and I really, really want to learn all of that, subsistence and self-reliance in the wild.  But it might be urgent right now for me to make my life easier, if Jesse becomes a problem.  I *will* be bombarded with constant forced urges and delusions if he rejects me, and I know what ‘they’ will tell me – they’ll say, oh, he really *does* love me, he’s just *pretending* to say no to me, or some other lying crap like they always tell me. 

How I won my own nearly impossible ‘Acid Test’ Roller Coaster Tycoon scenario

February 18, 2014

9:01 AM 2/18/2014


Well, my great accomplishment was winning the ‘Acid Test’ scenario in Roller Coaster Tycoon.  This is my homemade scenario, so nobody else has it and nobody else knows what I’m talking about.  It’s the first scenario I ever made.  I was just testing to see how it worked when you made your own scenario.  I called it ‘Acid Test’ because I turned the water acid green and made it into an alien planet, and it’s also the acid test because it’s so difficult, it will find out whether you are a true hardcore Roller Coaster Tycoon player.

I made every setting impossibly difficult.  The guests have the minimum amount of money, averaging at $10 each, but you don’t have an ATM machine to give them, so they can’t get any more money.  You have to get 500 guests in the park and keep the park rating above 700, but the park is quite small, and you’re not allowed to advertise it, so you can’t bring in more guests with ads.  You’re not allowed to dig in the soil, so you can’t make any underground roller coasters.  It’s a cold, rainy environment, though, and it rains there for like, weeks, so you have to use some rides that people will go on in the rain.  All the guests are set to come in at the lowest level of happiness, and they are all starving and thirsty.  You can’t borrow any more money, but at least you have $10,000 to begin with.  I accidentally set it so that you’ve already borrowed $15,000 because I didn’t understand how that worked when I made the scenario, but you can’t borrow any more than what you have now.  If you try to buy land, it’s the highest possible price, $200.  That’s all I can remember about the difficult settings.  The one thing that makes it easy is you at least have a few rides already developed that you are able to use, so it’s possible to survive without spending money on research.

I have tried to win this before, but was never able to.  I just could not get the rating up above 700 fast enough.  This time, I used extreme, insane tactics to win, and I won it.

The first thing I did was shut off research to save money.  Then I paved over the benches that were already there on the sidewalk.  Why did I do that?  Because I observed, in previous tests, that if people bought food and sat down on the benches, they seemed to stay unhappier, and the park rating seemed to be lower if the guests were unhappy.  People sitting down doing nothing in the park will gradually become more unhappy the longer they sit.  I’m not certain if that affects the park rating or not, but it seemed to make me lose every time I had people sitting on the benches eating.  So I wiped out the benches and forced the tired, exhausted, hungry, thirsty people to just walk around while they ate their food.

I gave them food and drinks for free, and made a bathroom.  If you make them pay for the food, they use up more of what little money they have, and some people come in with $0.00, nothing at all.  I’m pretty sure, based on my tests, that people have to be happy in the park to give it a good rating, and the longer they stay and the more they do, the happier they are.  So, make everything free, and just use up the money and lose it all and be unprofitable.  Do everything at a loss.

Then I started making the small rides, nothing with a track, just the pre-built rides that take up, like, four squares or whatever.  I made them all free.  Then I set them to the lowest number of swings or spins – why?  Because I tested it where I set all the swings to the highest number, like 25 swings on the ship, and people stood there waiting in line too long and became unhappy.  They have to be constantly doing something as often as possible to be happy.  So there has to be a lot of turnover on the rides – get them on the ride and then off it as quickly as possible.  So I set the ship to, like, 7 swings or whatever the minimum number is, and the same for all the other rides that have a set number of spins or swings.

I made all the queue lines medium long but not too long.  I had done previous tests where I made really, really long queue lines hoping that lots of people waiting in line would increase the number of people in the park because they couldn’t walk anywhere, but that didn’t work.  It just wasted money when I built longer pathways.

So I built moderately small queue lines, and built as many small rides as I could fit, sometimes piling them on top of each other.  But I made a mistake, and didn’t realize it until later in the game.  I built a ‘topspin’ ride, a ride that makes people sick, a ride where it just turns and flips over and does all kinds of stuff, and I only made a partial path out of the exit, and left the path floating in midair as a platform with no connection to anything.  This happened because I was making rides on top of other rides and couldn’t really see what I was doing anymore, because it gets so confusing and hard to see and jumbled up.  I didn’t even notice the floating platform exit of the topspin ride.  So people were getting on the ride just fine, but when they went out the exit, they were trapped on a small platform and just ran back and forth on it for eternity, saying ‘It’s too crowded here’ and ‘This path is disgusting.’  I never noticed.

Finally I had only about $2000 or $3000 left, so I started making tiny roller coasters.  You don’t have enough money by then to make anything big and exciting, but I believe you have to have at least one or two coasters of some sort to give your park a better rating.  I never seem to be able to get a high rating with only the pre-built little rides, although I’ve never tried the ‘give it away for free’ tactic before either, so I don’t know, maybe it would work.

I made two small, boring coasters that just went in a loop.  And, I can’t explain why, but I have a different scenario where it’s also very limited and small and you have hardly any money, but for some reason, when I made boring loop coasters there, they had a relatively high excitement rating, but these boring loops in ‘Acid Test’ got a very low excitement rating, and I can’t figure out why.  But it turned out that it didn’t matter – they were free, and people were kept busy doing something, so they were happy.

Then I just watched the scenario.  The park rating went up.  I decided to start hiring some workers.  I might have had only one handyman and one mechanic, or something.  But it doesn’t matter, you can pay them with debt.  I had no money left, yet I started hiring hundreds of workers.  Why?  Two reasons:  to keep the park really clean so I would get a high rating, and to make the people happy.  I have observed in previous games that every time a person touches a park employee, they gain one point of happiness.  You can trap them on a little rectangle of concrete and force them to interact with the park employee over and over again, and watch their happiness go up.  I think they have to hit a path intersection in between every time they touch a park employee – they can’t just walk to the end of the concrete and turn around.  Usually when I’ve done this, I had also built a restaurant there, so they would hit that intersection.  So, this time, I hired millions of employees of all kinds – handymen, mechanics, guards, and entertainers.  Then I watched my money hemorrhage down into the negative numbers!

It worked.  People stayed, they rode rides for free, and they ate free food, and encountered millions of park employees, and became happier and happier.  My park rating went up almost to 700.  I was still getting a warning saying my park would be closed.  Every time, I had always lost the game, with my rating *just below* 700 at the time when the park got closed.  But this time, it went over 700, and I was safe!  So all I had to do now was sit there and watch helplessly, unable to build anything, unable to change anything, because I had a negative dollar amount of money, and I just sat there watching the number of guests in the park slowly increasing.

After a while, my park rating started to mysteriously go down.  I had no idea what was wrong.  (If you know RCT, maybe you’ve already guessed what happened.  I hinted at it earlier.)  I thought, maybe it’s because all the rides are aging and getting older.  Over time, you have to lower the price on your rides because people say, ‘I’m not paying that much to go on so-and-so.’  As the ride gets old, they don’t like it as much anymore.  I thought maybe that was the reason why my rating suddenly started to plummet.  Then it went below 700 again.  Oh no!  What do I do?  I’m screwed.  I absolutely cannot build any new rides.  I’m thousands of dollars in the negative.  Even if I dismantle an old ride, I still won’t gain enough money to build a new one.

I started looking around for a problem.  I hit all the buttons to make stuff disappear – 3, 4, 5, and 6, to make the rides, the trees (there weren’t any, but still, just a habit to push that button), the supports, and the people disappear, so I could see better.

Suddenly I saw this pathway covered with vomit.  It was covered with so much vomit that the entire square was just completely covered, and also with pieces of trash.  I turned on ‘people’ again, #6, and saw that hundreds and hundreds of people were walking back and forth on a tiny platform floating in the air over a million pools of vomit and trash.  WTH???  Why wasn’t anybody cleaning this?  I had dozens and dozens of handymen!  They were keeping the entire park perfectly spotless!

I realized I had messed up the pathway out of the topspin ride.  People could not get on or off that sidewalk by the exit.  Nobody could get there to clean it, and people couldn’t escape from it as they left the ride.  I picked up a handyman, and dropped him onto the platform, and he instantly began cleaning up all the vomit and trash.  Boom – my park rating jumped straight back up above 700 and plateaued at 850 or so, where it had been before.  Thank goodness!

There was nothing I could do.  I couldn’t build any more paths, because I had negative money.  All I could do, maybe, was just delete the broken pathway so that the people would fall off as they left the exit.  I tried that (after saving the game first!).  There were pools of acid water nearby, and I was afraid the people might fall down into the water and drown – which would horribly affect my park rating, I’m sure, not to mention causing me distress.  I deleted the platform.  They fell gently down to a lower level, and didn’t die.  Phew.

But then, the ride broke down.  Oh no!  Now a mechanic couldn’t get to it!  I hadn’t thought of that.  The mechanic has to step onto a sidewalk and then walk into the exit of the ride in order to fix it.  The topspin ride just sat there.  People on the ride were trapped on the ride and couldn’t get off.  I couldn’t shut the ride down, because it won’t let you shut off a ride that is broken and hasn’t been fixed.  I couldn’t put a mechanic on it to fix it.

This bothered me, so I decided to restart the game from an earlier save.  I had a save where I hadn’t yet deleted that broken platform.  I restarted that game.  I now had the same old platform with a million people walking on it, covered in vomit and trash.  I cleaned it up with a handyman, and also I manually dropped a mechanic on there so he could inspect the ride and fix it.  I noticed that one of my mechanics said he was on the way to topspin for an inspection, but he was eternally set to that, because nobody could get there to do it.  That’s the guy I picked up, so he could finally do his job.  He inspected the ride.  I don’t think the ride even broke down after that, in this iteration.

I just let the people run around on that platform.  I started manually picking them off and setting them on the ground elsewhere.  I shut off the ride first so no more people would get trapped.  I picked them all off, which took several minutes because there were so many people there, and then I reopened the ride.

My park rating was still staying high, around 850, and my money was plummeting deeper and deeper into the negative numbers as I did everything at a loss.  But I was winning the game.  More and more people came into the park.  And, finally, after a while, it happened – I hit 500 guests and won the most impossible RCT scenario I had ever made.

After I won, I started charging a fee to ride the rides, hoping I might be able to profit again and get out of the negative.  But I saw that it was going to take a very long time to get out of the negative, because I was at about -$25,000.  I fired a bunch of employees, but kept enough handymen to keep it clean, because I still had to keep my rating above 700 – the game will still shut you down, even after you’ve won.  I saw that even after firing a bunch of employees and charging a fee for the rides, it would still take many hours to get out of debt, and I didn’t have the patience to just sit there watching that happen, so I just quit it.

I play video games when I need to avoid doing other things that are worse than playing video games.  I’ll just have to keep doing this today and the next couple days.

Why did I do the dreadlocks experiment? Obsessing about hair, continued

February 18, 2014

10:28 PM 2/17/2014

I have told this story before, but I will tell it again.  It’s the story of why I decided to start growing dreadlocks in January of 2009.  I can’t believe it’s been five years.  

I have been obsessed with hair for as long as I can remember.  When I was in kindergarten, I had a crush on one particular boy, Benji, because he had slightly longer hair.  I have always loved very long hair on both men and women, all types of hair on all races of people, including afro hair.  Afro hair is a challenge because it’s so different from Caucasian hair, so different from the hair on all the magazine models and TV celebrities.  I made a choice to accept and appreciate the beauty of the natural hair of all races.  It was a conscious choice.  Not everyone is able to choose which types of physical appearance they will accept.  

I don’t have a 100% choice either, because, for instance, I can’t choose which guys I find sexually attractive – I cannot make myself attracted to a guy who I’m not attracted to, at will.  And I can’t push a button to make myself stop being attracted to someone, but every time Jesse hurts my feelings, whether it’s by accident or on purpose, I wish that I could just stop caring, but I can’t.  

But I am able to accept all the different types of hair, which is not the same thing as being sexually attracted to each and every human being.  It means that I never look at somebody’s natural, unmodified hair texture and say, ‘Ew.  You have to fix your hair.  You need to straighten it, perm it, color it, style it, or cut it.’  I never say those things.  There is only one thing I want people to do with their hair – I want them to grow it.  

I decided many years ago to do an experiment.  I would find out how long my hair was able to grow.  Hair grows to a maximum length, then stops and falls out, as I said in the previous blog.  So I found out that my hair grows to ‘classic length,’ right around hip length, before it stops.  It cannot grow any longer than that.  I waited, and waited, and it never got longer.  My genes, my development, whatever it is, has programmed my hair to grow only that long.

I wanted to do another experiment.  Dreadlocks prevent the disconnected hairs from falling off – they stay tangled in the lock.  So, theoretically, a lock can grow to infinite length.  That was the inspiration for growing locks in the first place.

Unfortunately, that hasn’t happened yet.  The very opposite has happened.  As my hair gradually tangled into the locks, and then the locks tangled into this big mat on my head, it all got shorter and shorter.  Yes, the individual hairs inside the lock haven’t gotten shorter, but it’s all gotten more and more wadded up and is no longer stretched out.  My hair is still hip length, but my dreadlocks barely reach mid-back length now.  

So the purpose of growing locks was partly to see what it would look like if my hair grew to longer than hip length, but instead all it did was get wadded up tightly so it looks short.  

There were other reasons for why I grew locks.  I wanted to find out what people looked like before shampoo was invented.  I stopped using shampoo, and that was how my locks began.  I didn’t try to use any other shampoo substitute, such as baking soda, like some people do.  I used nothing, just water.  However, eventually I had to use shampoo to get rid of the tobacco in my hair that I kept having a reaction to.  So that test failed – I still don’t know what completely natural unwashed hair looks and feels like, because I haven’t done it.  Mine has been washed, and the shampoo caused the dreadlocks to tangle together more and more tightly and densely into one giant mat.  

My hair does not ‘look good’ right now, and I am not really happy about it when people compliment me on my dreadlocks.  Every once in a while, a total stranger will look at me and say something like, ‘Wow, I really love your dreadlocks,’ or ‘Awesome locks!’ or something.  

Not only do I feel like it’s just not true – they really *don’t* look good, and if these people really looked closely, they’d see that the hair is all one mat at the roots.  These people have the idea that ‘manicured’ locks look good, the type of locks where you cut them apart into individual locks if they start to tangle together, so they will be ‘normal looking’ dreadlocks that they’ve seen on models on television.  My hair doesn’t look good according to the popular culture’s standards of what dreadlocks should look like.  

But also, I am not really doing this for the purpose of getting compliments and being told that I look good.  I was testing something, testing naturalness based on a principle, which is not the same thing as looking good according to society’s standards of what looks good.  What is natural does not necessarily ‘look good’ according to today’s fashions.  

In fact, fashion dictates that everything natural always looks bad – they want to sell you more beauty products to put on your hair, they want to sell you a haircut and a perm or straightener at the salon, etc.  You have to *do something* to change your natural hair and make it something other than what it naturally wants to be, if anybody is going to sell you something and get paid for it.  You don’t pay anybody anything just to let your hair grow the way it is.  By the standards of fashion, by the standards of people who want to sell you something, there is always something wrong with you the way you naturally are.  Most people are not even trying to look good – they are merely trying to conform, to avoid looking different from anybody else.  

My dreadlocks are mostly an experiment.  I don’t believe that they look good, and I don’t demand that people go around telling me how beautiful my hair is, because I don’t think it’s beautiful.  It’s a test, it follows some principles (don’t cut it, don’t modify it), and it violated some other principles of the test (don’t use chemical shampoos that primitive wild humans wouldn’t have had).  I only want people to understand why I’m doing it, and also, that I could theoretically comb it out instead of cutting them.  The only thing that I haven’t tested yet is – and forgive me, this is weird – I have wondered if babies are able to cling to thick dreadlocks without being carried.  This could have been a purpose of dreadlocks on primitive humans.  Wild people were nomadic and they roamed around and hunted.  I assume that usually mothers with babies stayed home, but they could have gone out hunting and gathering, and if their babies hung on to their hair, they could have had both hands free.  I wanted to test that and see if it was possible.  It might be so heavy that it would hurt and could not be done.  It was just a theory.  

It’s not possible to answer the question of ‘Why do humans have long head hair?’  Most scientists focus on the fact that humans lost their body hair and have no fur, and hardly any scientists ever talk about the fact that humans have extremely, amazingly long head hair, longer than any other animal on earth.  There are simply no animals at all that have longer hair than we do.  Even a horse tail is shorter than the human head hair (on people whose hair grows very long).  This is a very distinguished evolutionary trait, but scientists are all preoccupied with the loss of our fur, and don’t seem to care at all about the extraordinary, amazing, unique, unusual evolutionary trait of extremely long head hair.  Scientists view our long hair as a cumbersome, mysterious nuisance, something that has to be cut short even on their wax figurines of ancient humans in the museums – they never have long hair, they have this short, ugly, ragged-looking hair that’s obviously been cut.

Scientists assume that humans started chopping off their own head hair from the very first time they picked up a sharp rock and discovered it could be used as a cutting tool.  They don’t even acknowledge the fact that extremely long hair is a uniquely recognizable trait of the human species, as unique as our arms, our legs, our faces, everything else about us.  Scientists must imagine that these first humans picked up this sharp rock, cut off their long, tangled hair, and said, ‘Ah, what a relief!  It’s finally gone!’

I think our head hair evolved as an accidental side effect of our brain development.  There is no special purpose for our head hair, I think.  Hair and skin come from the same developmental tissues as the nervous system.  When our brains got bigger, the skin close to the brain changed along with the brain, and so our hair developed the ability to grow long, while the nerves in our brain developed the ability to grow really smart.  My principle of evolution is:  If it doesn’t kill you, you can keep it.  If you happen to grow something random, like purple antlers, something with no use or purpose whatsoever, then you can keep it.  You just have to live long enough to have babies.  You can move away to an environment where there isn’t much competition, and then do whatever you want, and develop something unique and bizarre.  I think that’s how we got hair.  It has no purpose, and it doesn’t help us out-compete someone weaker than we are.  We are not ‘better evolved’ because we have hair.  We are not ‘stronger competitors’ who are able to defeat weaker humans because we have long head hair and they don’t.  It is merely a nonlethal accident.  

If anyone tells you that women are supposed to have long hair to be ‘sexually desirable,’ and that’s the reason why we have long hair, that makes no sense, because men have long hair too.  Why would it be different for men and women?  Some people say that women have long hair because they have female hormones, which is just not true – men’s hair is long, and men have male hormones, and long-haired men are attractive.  Long hair on a men indicates that he is healthy and well-nourished, which is the rationale they use for why women must have long hair – they say, ‘It means she’s fertile.’  The same is true for a man.  Bald men can still grow long hair from their remaining hair on their heads, and they can also grow beards.  There is no rationale for why men and women must have different hairstyles, or why women should have long hair and men shouldn’t.

I’ve been obsessed with hair forever, and that’s why I’ve done the dreadlocks experiment, but I am also insecure about it, because I know that other people judge me by society’s standards, not by my standards.  Other people don’t look at me and say, ‘Hey, look!  Nicole is doing an experiment and keeping true to her principles!  That’s great!’  Instead they say, ‘Eww, she has this horrible looking mat of dreadlocks, and a mustache.  She’s disgusting.’  That’s society’s general opinion of me.  They have no understanding of what I am doing or what it means to me or any of my beliefs and values and visions of society.  Society wants me to look good according to their fashion model standards, and I don’t look like that at all.  

I hope to someday build an intentional community where people can look the way I wish they would look, but for now, I tolerate living with people who can’t look that way.  I understand that people feel like they have to conform.  People don’t like to be nonconformists when they are hunting for a job.  As long as people have to earn money by cooperating with this society, they will feel the need to conform.  If people live in a community where they don’t have to earn money in this society, then they will be able to look the way I want them to look.  That is a project for the distant future, my intentional community. 

at the hotel before the snow

February 17, 2014

9:35 PM 2/17/2014

I know there’s going to be a relatively big snow and ice storm tonight.  I slept in the hotel last night after I got out of work, and then I went home to the tent, and slept all day in the tent.  Later in the evening, I got up again and went to the hotel again, which is where I am now.  I wanted to get here before the snow, so that I could eat food and just sit here and play video games on my computer, because I am feeling depressed and lonely.  It’s hard for me to get out when it snows.

Earlier this year (actually, no, in 2013), last winter, I cut off a small part of my dreadlocks just above the forehead, because it was tangling and pulling on the roots in a bad way.  My dreadlocks used to be in separate strings until I started washing them with shampoo.  I started them by not using any shampoo, just washing with water.  But I had to use shampoo because I visited a friend last year, and he and his girlfriend were smoking cigarettes indoors, and the smoke all got in my hair and wouldn’t wash out with just water, and every time I got my hair wet, I would have a reaction to the tobacco in my hair.  The shampoo fixed that, but it caused all my dreadlocks to gradually tangle together into one big mat instead of separate strands.

Most people growing dreadlocks do something to keep them separate.  They rip them and cut them if they start growing together.  I’ve read about this on forums.  I didn’t want to cut any part of my hair or rip any part of it, because I don’t want to do permanent damage to my hair.  The cut pieces actually matter.  I may someday comb out my dreadlocks, so I don’t want to have millions of cut-off hairs at all different levels from the time when I was ripping my dreadlock strands apart.  Other people (the majority of people writing in forums on the net) never even attempt to comb out their dreadlocks, but I have, and I’m able to do it.  So I still might comb them out someday.

Earlier this year I did a test and I combed out two or three of my locks.  It took many hours and tons and tons of hair conditioner, and I got out this huge, fluffy ball of disconnected hair, but it worked.  The disconnected hairs are normal.  Usually, your hairs grow for a certain number of years, then stop growing, fall off, and start again at the root, which is the reason why your hair cannot grow longer than some set length.  Your short eyebrow hairs never grow any longer, for that reason, and your head hair is the same, but the length of time is much longer, sometimes decades, for the head hair.  In the dreadlocks, the hairs disconnect at the scalp, but remain entangled in the lock forever unless you comb out the lock, as I did.  That was why I had huge fluffy balls of loose hair after combing them.  I was trying very hard not to rip or break any hairs.

The little piece that I did cut off last year is finally getting long again, and I can see it sticking out.  It’s only a few inches long, even though it was a year ago.  My hair grows at the ‘textbook rate’ of half an inch a month.  The piece of cut hair is almost exactly six inches long, I think, although I don’t have a ruler to measure it.  It looks like a piece of ordinary bangs over my forehead.  This reminds me even more strongly that I absolutely must not cut out my dreadlocks, I must comb them.  Which is worse:  spending a few weeks combing all my locks out, spending hours each day working on them patiently, OR, spending an entire decade to grow back my waist-length hair?  My long hair is all still here, under the dreadlocks, still in perfect condition.  All I have to do is comb it out.  That frustratingly short piece of hair that I cut off last year demonstrates to me just how horribly slowly my hair grows, and reminds me never, ever to cut the locks.

I am just going to play my video game tonight (Roller Coaster Tycoon 2) and sit here and relax.  The game keeps me from being too depressed and desperate.  If I had nothing to do at all, I would be bugging Jesse instead, but it’s going to snow tonight, and Jesse is mad at me about something, and I don’t know what exactly – it could be millions of different things, and I don’t know which one or which several things it is, I just have a vague idea what it is.  So, I will just play the video game instead, and give Jesse a break.  I don’t know much about what his life is like.

barely able to move

February 16, 2014

4:24 PM 2/16/2014

I’m so sick today I’m barely able to move, and I couldn’t sleep last night because I wasn’t feeling well all night either.  Now I’m sitting at McD about to go to TB, and we had an extremely busy day here, and I didn’t get a lunch break.  I have barely even had a few minutes to sit down.  Now that I sat down, I don’t want to get up, but I have to, and I have to change into my TB uniform, and then I would like to go to Weis and get some snacks for while I’m at TB, because I can’t really eat TB food and feel satisfied, and not only that, but I’d have to either keep making small snacks all night long and buying them, or stealing them, and I’m not as comfortable about just eating food for free over there at TB (although I often do it here at McD).  If I don’t have snacks at TB, I will die.  

But, after this, I’m off tomorrow.  And I could change my work schedule any time I want to.  I haven’t chosen to, and I’m just hoping the weather gets a little warmer and my life gets a little easier soon.  I’m always thinking of maybe getting an apartment, in the back of my mind, and I’m still considering it, but it depends on a lot of things.  It still frustrates me that I have never learned how to hunt, prepare wild foods, and store them without a refrigerator, by drying meats, etc.  I still want to learn all that, but, ironically, I might even have a better chance of doing that while living in an apartment instead of in my tent.  

I guess I have to force myself to move and get up sometime. 

wishes and fantasies based on a drunken conversation

February 15, 2014

6:54 PM 2/15/2014

I’m at the laundromat now.  I really did put laundry in the washing machine for real this time.  Usually when I come here, I just loiter and use the place as a shelter.  Apparently, all the other homeless people do too.  They’ve put up more visible ‘No Loitering’ signs, and the last time I saw one of the maintenance people here, he came out and asked me if I was doing any laundry.  Fortunately, that time, I actually was.  I just have a ‘homeless looking’ appearance, or else he recognizes me personally as one of the homeless people, since we have a finite number of them here and it’s possible to know them all individually.  

Anyway I’m taking a day off work, so I might as well do some kind of chore.  

I had called –

edit, Jesse just called me right now and he’s feeling much better today.  He sounds like himself again.

When we talked before, we didn’t explicitly talk about ‘getting married and having children.’  I *mentioned* that I wanted to have children, and that that was the most important goal in my life right now, the most urgent thing I needed to get done (although technically I want to get on the nourishing diet first and also remove my fillings).  He told me that I could come with him when he went to his school later on this year, in another town in PA (not Texas as I had thought), and I said I would consider it – I would actually love to go, but we’d have to talk about it when he wasn’t drunk.  About ‘getting married and being together till we die,’ that was actually from sort of a joke he made, but it was a sweet joke, and it is much sweeter if I take it seriously.  

And, on the phone just now, I got clarification – his grandmother *did not die yet*, but rather, they thought she was about to die very soon, inevitably, and instead, he has found out that the doctors think she will live several more years.  So I misunderstood.  

I just want the snow to melt… but no, Jesse just said we are supposed to get a ton more snow tomorrow.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!