Archive for April, 2011

I’ve added a link to The Socionist.

April 30, 2011

It’s in my list of links on the right side of this page. In the XFN link relationship, I wrote that he was my ‘muse’ and my ‘crush’ and I called him an ‘admired person.’ hahahahahah

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Disagreement about the causes of obesity; what happens when an inferior woman disagrees with a man; designing an intentional religion

April 30, 2011

6:17 PM 4/30/11

This is the time of year when he goes traveling a lot. He won’t be writing as much on any of his blogs or anything, so it’s all just sitting there and nothing changes. I have now gone back into the situation of wanting to write to someone, and knowing that my emails are being ignored. I’m not sure what method he is using to ignore them. He could be directing them into a separate folder so that he doesn’t even have to glance at them, although he will still see the numbers on that folder increasing every time I send a message, which could still make him feel tempted to look at it.

Right now I am doing a ‘purely symbolic’ respect for his ignoring me in email, as I could always send a question or comment from another email address, and pretend to be just a normal person instead of a person who’s been desperately trying to reach him. But I haven’t done that yet. I am still letting it be a relatively easy thing for him to just direct all emails from a particular address into a particular folder so that you don’t see them. Whenever he wants to change a habit, he wants to find ways that require the least willpower, so that means, make it easier not to be tempted to glance at my emails, and make it easier not to even see the titles of the emails. I’m not sure what to do to make it totally invisible so that you don’t even see the numbers increasing on the filtered emails folder, as I’ve never actually USED any kind of email filter and so I don’t know what it looks like. He’s probably got it set up well enough that he doesn’t have to look at it.

They keep urging me to send him emails anyway. I have actually commented on his blog several times successfully, and I will do that a few more times.

Today they were suggesting that I ask him about designing an intentional religion. At this point he won’t answer anything no matter what the particular content of the email. He probably won’t ever speak to me again, as he views me as a dangerous, mentally ill, mentally unstable person who is trying to hurt him. But they were saying today, wouldn’t it be great to get his help designing the religion because he would be able to imagine a long term view. His help is exactly what I need.

In order to do that, he would have to use his imagination to picture an extremely dystopian view of the modern world. It would be so dystopian that it might be harmful to his peace of mind, unless he was able to separate ‘fantasy’ from ‘reality’ and keep his own beliefs separate from mine. So I would ask him to imagine that several things were true. I would ask him to imagine what if it were true that mind control is real; and also, I would need to ask him to do the same thing with drug residues. Those things are both part of the religion and they need to be worked into it without causing harmful things to happen in the future (such as an ‘untouchable caste’ that you’re born into and can’t get out of, which might result from talking about drug residues – that’s one of the things I DON’T want to have happen). It is actually a religion, not just a community, because it is intended to be in many different places, not just one geographic location.

He will probably never speak to me again and will not be able to work with me on imagining and designing the religion. And after reading his blogs again and again recently, I really am appreciating his long-term, large-scale view of society. It is very well developed. I’d like to use it for something, as his blogs are not appreciated or understood as well as I think they deserve to be.

‘They’ were paying attention to what happens when I’m reading him and I disagree with something. There are times when I actually do disagree. I disagreed about peak oil, and when I was going through the manic phase, I made that into a huge attack, instead of a peaceful discussion as it ought to have been. I hate it that just ONE incident of hurting someone during an uncontrolled mood can make that person think that you are crazy and dangerous forever.

Anyway, what happens when I disagree with something – I get a sort of ‘critical’ feeling. And it bothers me when I get that feeling, because I know from past experience that NOBODY EVER wants to hear my criticisms and my disagreements. I am supposed to just let everyone believe whatever they want to believe, and if I say differently, then I get TOTALLY REJECTED AS A HUMAN BEING. It doesn’t even matter how small the disagreement is. I know from past experience that I am simply not allowed to disagree with anyone. So I suppress all of my disagreements and my differences of opinion, with everybody, all of the time, unless there is a life-or-death immediate emergency.

I did have something recently which I perceived as an emergency. At McDonald’s, we have this machine that filters the oil out of the fryers. It pumps it through a hose. A couple weeks ago, I saw the overnight lady filtering the oil, and I started shouting loudly and having a huge tantrum because there was a big leak in the side of the oil hose and the extremely hot oil was spraying out the side of it. If anybody’s leg or hand moved in front of that leak, or if somebody had tried to grab the hose right at the spot where it was leaking, then their skin would be totally, completely destroyed by oil spraying out that was hundreds of degrees hot, like 375 degrees or something, I forget. I’ve burned my hand in oil when I used to work at Kentucky Fried Chicken, and I’m lucky my hand doesn’t have a visible scar – I’m amazed that it healed as well as it did. I actually stuck several of my fingers and part of my hand directly down into the burning hot oil, and cooked the skin off. It was an instant third degree burn. So I *know* that burning hot oil is *wrong* and I knew it had to be fixed IMMEDIATELY.

Several people heard me shouting and yelling. I was totally, completely FURIOUS. I couldn’t believe that they had just LEFT it like that. How many days had it been like that? How many weeks? Nam, the overnight lady was saying that yeah, whatever, nobody listens when we complain. By this time we were surrounded by several more people, and I shouted at them, too, including the manager. And I shouted that if they were too cheap to buy us a new hose, then, you know what’s cheap? A LAWSUIT. And if *I* of all people am talking about lawsuits, when I am opposed to the ‘lawsuit society’ that we live in, when I disapprove of people suing everybody every time they stub their toe or get a hangnail, just to get rich – when *I* of all people am shouting the word ‘LAWSUIT!’ then you KNOW that the situation has to be bad.

I am accustomed to not being taken seriously. I’m accustomed to complaining about things and people not caring or not believing me. I’m accustomed to people refusing to take my advice because I’m a woman, and because I’m a low-status inferior person instead of an upper-level manager or whatever.

I even remember an incident when I went to a church camp with my friend in eighth grade, and we were given a group challenge, to build a little dam across a creek, and we were given a diagram of a dam shaped like the letter K. I remember looking at the diagram and explaining to everybody that the ‘legs’ of the letter K were on the downstream side of the dam, because they were there to provide support, but several people were still confused and ignoring me and thinking that the legs of the K were supposed to be on the upstream side. It was clear immediately that they did not want to take the advice of a girl, and an inferior. And then, when we actually built the dam, people were trying to figure out how to make it actually hold water, because we were given the logs to use, but just logs by themselves weren’t enough to hold the water.

Somebody went wandering around in the woods nearby, and, lo and behold, they found a bunch of chicken wire that happened to be nearby (this was an arbitrary challenge set up by the church camp, so it was no accident that a bunch of chicken wire happened to be nearby). They were trying to figure out what to do with it, and they thought maybe they should collect mud and rocks from the stream and put it into the chicken wire to help block the water. But I suggested that we should gather piles and piles of fallen leaves from the ground, because leaves are waterproof and they will dam a stream naturally all by themselves, but the water would just wash away the mud and rocks. But again, they were all annoyed and reluctant to listen to me when I suggested we should use fallen leaves. And so some people obeyed the ‘authorities’ in the group (these were all teenage kids, some of whom were more ‘popular’ than others, and obviously, I was ‘unpopular’). They obeyed the popular kids instead of obeying me. So they spent several minutes struggling to dam the stream using this mud and rocks that just kept inevitably rinsing away. I had dammed up little creeks for fun with my brother and other kids before, so I knew that would happen.

Finally somebody changed their mind – but it wasn’t attributed to me. Instead, SOMEBODY ELSE ‘got the idea’ to use fallen leaves. They couldn’t DARE admit that I, an inferior girl, had the idea first. So it was ‘somebody else’s idea’ to use fallen leaves. The leaves worked perfectly right away without any struggle. As soon as they started putting leaves against the chicken wire, it started blocking the water exactly like it was supposed to. (*Edit: I was vindicated later on. The church group leaders, the adults, gave our group a score for how well we did, and when they talked to us about it, they said that we had done well at the task, but they said it was important for the leaders of the group to listen to people giving advice and expressing opinions, instead of ignoring them.*)

That was one very memorable incident from my childhood. I know there were actually lots and lots of incidents exactly like that, but less memorable. I was *always* treated as though I didn’t know anything and could not give advice to anyone or tell them they were wrong.

So believe me, I know what to expect.

Apparently Rick’s wife doesn’t go around reading his blogs and reading lots of books and websites and getting her own opinions about things and having her own personal experiences and observations, and disagreeing with him. She just goes along with everything in a mellow, friendly, easygoing, agreeable way, and doesn’t ever criticize him. The only people disagreeing in the forum were MALES, it looked like. It looked as though the females were all just passively agreeing with everything and never criticizing.

I’ve tried to be a ‘submissive wife’ in my relationships before, many, many, many times. It happens EVERY time actually, not just in one or two relationships, but in ALL relationships – the men can never admit that I might possibly know something, and I might possibly know when they’re wrong about something.

Well… about the burning hot oil and the filter machine.

A couple of days after I was shouting so loudly that everybody in the store heard me, the filter machine had a brand new hose and was no longer leaking.

So every once in a while, I see a situation so obviously terrible and so obviously WRONG that I have to shout loudly about it and make a huge fuss. And someone actually listened to me. Apparently, they must have gone to the store manager and told him, later on, that Nicole was screaming and shouting her head off when she saw the hot oil leaking out the side of the hose. I am not used to anyone actually listening to me when I complain about something.

So I know what to expect when I get that ‘critical feeling’ while reading Rick’s blog. When I get the critical feeling, when I disagree about something, I know that I have to SHUT UP and not say anything at all, because if I express my disagreements, I will be totally rejected as a human being, forever and ever. Men have to be right, and women have to be quiet.

There are only a few things that I disagree with. PO was one of them. But I also started to get that critical feeling while reading, several times, about how it’s healthier to be physically active, and that physical activity helps prevent obesity. This is actually a huge issue for me personally, and I have been reading about obesity since my late teens. I remember reading a book, and I forget the name of the book, but the book’s thesis or concept was: Does obesity directly CAUSE the health problems that people think it causes? Or does something else cause both obesity, and health problems, at the same time? The book took the position that many of the health problems that were supposedly ’caused by’ obesity were in fact caused by other things that were happening at the same time as obesity. I really learned a lot from that book and I learned to be skeptical about everything that people say about obesity.

So, for years and years and years, I have been paying very close attention to any ‘information streams’ (as socionics would say) having to do with *what causes obesity*, and also, about health problems associated with, or caused by, obesity. These information streams came from books, news articles, and also, from my own personal observations and experiences of gaining weight, as I have, in fact, gained weight several times in my life, and lost it again, and tried to understand what caused that to happen. I usually weigh somewhere between 120 – 130 pounds, but sometimes I go a little over 130. I don’t have a scale right now in the house so I don’t know where I’m at right now. But when I went to college, I gained a lot of weight very quickly, and I was up at around 145 pounds. I think 148 was the highest weight that I observed during that time.

I decided to stop drinking the whole milk in the cafeteria. I also changed a couple of other relatively small things in my diet, but it was mostly the whole milk. When I stopped drinking that, the weight just fell off very quickly by itself without my making any effort, and I got back down to the usual range of just over 120 to 130.

Later on I learned that factory farmed milk contains recombinant bovine growth hormone, rBGH. That didn’t make sense, though, because rBGH wasn’t around during the years when I was in college in the mid 1990s. But even though I don’t know exactly which chemical caused the problem, I knew it was milk.

And now that I know about the Amish raw milk – this particular seller says that the cows are hormone-free and grass-fed – when I was drinking the Amish raw milk, *I DID NOT GAIN WEIGHT.*

So something is in the factory farmed milk that you get at the grocery store, and it causes obesity. It’s also in factory farm butter and cheese and all dairy products, and it directly causes obesity, and the amount of obesity that it causes is very severe. When I drink it, I notice within a 24 hour period that I have more fat on my thighs, and I can feel the fat there that wasn’t there before. Within 24 hours of eating factory farm butter, I notice right away that my thighs are rubbing together when I walk. I get ‘jiggly fat’ on my butt at the same time. It happens quickly and instantly and you can directly observe it. When people say ‘it goes straight to my thighs,’ this statement is the literal truth and it is not an exaggeration. You wouldn’t believe how quickly and how instantly you can directly observe the fat appearing on your body as a result of eating some particular food.

I haven’t been able to test butter made from non-factory-farm sources. Raw butter is something I would have to order online. And I hesitate to try it, because I reacted badly to cheese, even though it was the supposedly ‘good’ cheese made from the Amish milk at the same place. It was hormone-free, grass-fed milk made into cheese, and it caused me to have a pounding heart sensation. I have had heart problems for the past few years, ever since the drug residue exposure, which severely affected my heart, and also from the burning candles in my apartment, which I was doing during the same time period when I started handling the herbs – I get heart problems whenever I breathe smoke now. Not everybody would notice heart problems as badly as I do, but I am now keenly aware of the heart sensations, and my heart is probably damaged from the exposure to tobacco and ephedra and candle smoke and everything else I was handling. So people with ‘preexisting heart conditions’ might notice a pounding heart sensation even if they eat cheese made from milk which is supposedly ‘good’ milk without any hormones, from grass-fed cows.

This is part of my process of troubleshooting the Weston Price diet. I want to know how it affects people who have preexisting conditions that might make them unable to use the diet.

Also, plastic dental fillings leach out BPA which supposedly affects the heart, and all kinds of plastic might affect it, for instance, the plastic you get inside your veins as a result of donating plasma (I was talking about this with someone in a comment just today). So anything that affects the heart might make you become sensitive to, and might make heart problems triggered by, foods that supposedly were safe for the healthy primitive tribes to eat when Weston Price was observing them. Saturated fat might be more dangerous for modern people whose hearts are already damaged by other factors. But it is those other factors, and not so much the fat itself, that has caused the damage.

Well, all of this came from talking about how factory farm milk and cheese products directly cause you to get fat instantly, and you can observe the fat within 24 hours of eating the food. This is a very specific cause, and it’s not the same as a general idea of a ‘sedentary lifestyle’ in the modern life. You can be as sedentary as you want, but you will never, ever, ever get fat, if you avoid the specific things that cause obesity.

There are several other things that cause obesity besides bovine growth hormone and unknown other factors in factory farmed dairy products. I have not personally tested all of these things, but have simply paid attention to news stories and other things that I have read. Some things which might cause it are: pesticides and chemicals, heavy metal poisoning, prescription drugs, over-the-counter drugs, and herbs. It is also caused by bottle feeding infant formula, which is the worst possible thing you can do to your baby. Breastfeeding will prevent obesity and it will also prevent a huge number of other health problems and digestive problems. It is absolutely necessary and it cannot be something that you give up and quit trying just because it’s painful to breastfeed (note: plastic dental fillings cause breast pain! thereby discouraging mothers from breastfeeding, thereby causing them to use bottle feeding instead, thereby causing obesity… plastic dental fillings have a long chain of consequences). You have to get a ‘wet nurse’ and give your baby to somebody else to breastfeed if you aren’t able to breastfeed it yourself.

Invisible transdermal drug residues at microdosages will also cause obesity, but you will not be able to read any scholarly research about this anywhere, because it is my own personal observation, and nobody else is talking about it. And if you see anybody else talking about this, then put a link here because I want to know about it. (Got some interesting links in a comment the other day, I forget which post, thanks Laura, the ones about chemotherapy drugs and the other stuff).

Anyway the drug residues can be firsthand (you used the drug yourself) or secondhand (you are with somebody else who has used drugs). Secondhand drug residue exposure will cause obesity, so if you have any friends that use psychiatric drugs that cause obesity, it is very likely that you yourself will also become obese by hanging around them, touching them, touching their clothing, sitting on the seats they sit on, touching the furniture that they touch, and so on. When you use drugs, the residues get all over every belonging that you own, and I experienced this with Chris, the guy who I met a few weeks ago, who gave me a book, and I have reactions when I touch the book, and I had a reaction to him after being hugged. Again, there aren’t very many internet sources talking about the phenomenon of people getting fat from being near other people who use prescription drugs.

I also suspect that heavy metals, contained in the water supply, might cause obesity, along with other chemicals in the water supply, including pharmaceuticals and fluoride. Some of these chemicals will be inhaled into your lungs or go through your skin when you take a shower, so it isn’t good enough to just buy bottled water and drink nothing but bottled water and avoid all tap water – you’d have to avoid drinking anything made with tap water, too, such as the carbonated water dispensed at soda machines – but, as I said, it isn’t enough to just avoid drinking it – you would have to avoid taking a shower in it, too. This is only a theory, and it’s a very hard to test theory. However, to make the theory as general as possible, I would phrase it this way: Chemicals contained in the public water supply, which got there from a variety of sources, can go through the skin or be inhaled during bathing and showering, and they can cause a variety of symptoms and health problems.

Cosmetics might cause problems too, as they go through the skin. Do not use sunscreen. Skin lotions might cause problems.

I’ve been having a new problem recently because I tried using hair conditioner to work with one of my huge monster dreadlocks, the one on the right side by my ear. Part of the monster lock tangled up in a way that I don’t like, and I think it’s because of the way that I’ve been doing my ponytail recently. This is one of those things that happens as your dreadlocks gradually grow and change, and right now, the part of the lock that got tangled is the part that is right around the area where the ponytail band would be holding it in place. So it’s rubbing against the ponytail band when I put my hair back to go to work every day. The part that got tangled is the part of the hair that is still loose, the part that is below the actual ‘real’ mature dreadlock mat.

Anyway I have tried several times to work on the unwanted tangle in that lock, and I used conditioner on it while combing the little pieces and working my way up to the messed up part of it. Right away I started having skin problems from getting the hair conditioner on my skin. I got a huge pimple on my earlobe, and it was one of those disgusting pimples where a huge blob of thick hard grease comes out of it when you scratch it. I haven’t had any pimples like that in YEARS. It was directly and quickly caused by my ear touching against the hair conditioner. The word ‘non-comedogenic’ comes to mind.

Skin lotions cause pimples, and so does hair conditioner, but I have wondered if they might also cause obesity. It’s just another theory that I haven’t tested.

So, so far, I listed a bunch of chemicals, some of which are in foods, and others of which come from drugs or from the environment around you. Air pollution probably causes obesity too, as there is a correlation between ‘breast density’ and air pollution in the cities. That is something you can actually read news articles about. So if air pollution causes obesity, it has little or nothing to do with a ‘sedentary lifestyle.’

I forgot to mention that various sources, such as my nutrition teacher in college, and several books I have read, say that it is normal, and not unhealthy, for people to gain some weight when they get older, like, over 40.

I also mentioned bottle feeding as a cause of obesity. Bottle feeding can permanently mess up your whole body, but it doesn’t seem to do this to every single person, and I don’t know what causes one person to react very badly to bottle feeding, while others do okay, and it depends on what type of infant formula you use – but don’t worry about ‘what type’ of infant formula to use – just follow the general rule of never, ever use any kind of infant formula at all, and assume that this rule is so strict, that even if you are physically unable to breastfeed, even if you have a double mastectomy, even if you are a man (and if you’re not willing to experiment with male lactation), then you must find a wet nurse to breastfeed your baby, instead of bottle feeding it.

There are several other causes of obesity. I suspect vaccines might also cause it. Then there are the hormone disorders, which are the reason why some people are hugely, morbidly obese from early on in childhood. Those hormone disorders did not happen in the primitive tribes that Weston Price studied – he saw that the hugely obese people only existed in the towns. It isn’t because of a sedentary lifestyle. Exercise can make you lose a couple of pounds, and you have a very small, limited amount of control over that range of your weight, but if you are morbidly obese, then it is caused by something you have no control over, through no fault of your own, and it has little or nothing to do with a sedentary lifestyle (Rick never said anything to suggest that he believed SEVERE MORBID obesity was caused by a sedentary lifestyle, just to be fair). However, it is associated with living in towns, so it might be one of the Weston Price deformities – if it’s possible for your entire skull, neck, and jaw to be deformed, then theoretically, the glands in your neck, such as the thyroid gland, could also be deformed as well – so the Weston Price deformities might explain the reason why some people have thyroid problems their entire life. I know that the deformities cause some people to have large tonsils. So if a gland was unusually large or unusually small, if the gland didn’t grow properly, then the gland might produce improperly formed hormones, or inadequate hormones, for your entire life. Again, this has nothing to do with a sedentary lifestyle.

I could write more about this, and I probably will later. I am very interested in the causes of obesity, and I strongly, strongly believe that it is almost entirely NOT YOUR FAULT, that almost all obesity is caused by forces beyond your control, although some of the factors causing it are in your control, but it is more specific than just ‘eating too much’ just out of sheer gluttony. Prescription drugs, which are given to everybody for everything, are a very major cause of obesity.

I think I might be hungry. When I go on and on about something for hours, it usually means that I’m starving and I need to go eat something instead of writing. I’m going to see Atlas Shrugged tonight at 9:50 PM. I will go eat before then.

Anyway, the idea was: Sometimes I disagree with Rick, and I am afraid to express my disagreement – even though it wouldn’t always be like the horrible disaster I had when I interacted with him in the forum during a severe attack of mania, still, even the slightest disagreement could cause a conflict with him, mostly because I am a woman, not a man. So I get anxious when I get the ‘critical’ feeling while reading his blog.

And usually, when I read his blog, I am flowing with the hypnotic symphony of words. Every now and then there is a wrong note, an off-key instrument in the symphony, and I would fix it if I could. But the rest of the symphony is flowing and I am amazed by his well developed writing and thinking style. If I disliked him, I wouldn’t spend such a huge amount of time reading everything he has written and all of his websites and obsessing over him and getting mad at his wife because she has already given him everything he needs and I am just a superfluous person in a faraway country, and he will probably never talk to me again because he has to protect himself against getting hurt or going insane or whatever he thinks will happen if he talks to me.

brain burn; superfluous

April 30, 2011

5:49 AM 4/30/11

They woke me up much earlier than I need to be awake.

I can feel ‘brain burn’ again. Using wi-fi to upload videos from my netbook is not going to be done very often. The netbook emits radio while sending out the videos, and if I am sitting right next to it, then it does something that affects my brain for hours. So I woke up with brain burn this morning. It wasn’t as bad as the first time I uploaded videos a few weeks ago. I think I was sitting there with it a lot longer. This time I went to Barnes & Noble, and each video took only a few minutes to upload, because for whatever reason, it is faster there.

Being a targeted individual changes my personality. I ‘get the idea’ to ‘do something’ because that idea is planted in my head. I also cannot motivate myself in the way that I used to do. I used to sit there and meditate about something, and I would look into the future and see what would happen if I did nothing. And that would motivate me to change what I was doing. I cannot do anything like that at all anymore.

One of the paper ads I would like to write is an ad for people to get together and talk about electronic harassment. I don’t want to merely ‘talk about it’ like a support group. I don’t want to merely sit there and complain to each other. Instead, I have some specific ideas of things that I would like to do. I want several different people researching it, and we can divide up who does what. I also want us to all make observations and keep them written down somewhere, like ‘It’s worst when I’m doing this or that, but it seems to get better when, whatever.’

We would also record geographic locations where the harassment and the electrosensitivity were least severe – Rick says that when he goes into the mountains, the ‘low level background anxiety’ quiets down, or something. This is partly because of the negative ions in the air, but also, it might be because there is less radio. I would have to ask him for specific details as to exactly what he means, but I can’t remember which one of his pages I read it on. And ‘asking him’ something is no use, as he is not speaking to me. Or rather, he said that he wouldn’t be reading my letters and he wouldn’t be replying to them. There are a few things that I’ve seen and remembered and can’t really find again. The beautiful photo of him that I want to find, I didn’t see again when I went looking, but that’s because he has a couple of pages where it’s filled with a WHOLE BUNCH of photos and this doesn’t work out well on dialup unless I tell Opera to show no images at all, and then individually click on each one and tell it to reload one image at a time. If I let it load all of them simultaneously, then for whatever reason, it takes an hour and still only a few have appeared.

About the way I look: I put the videos up to show the harsh and unpleasant reality of my extremely primitive, ascetic, natural grooming. ‘Looking pretty’ is not the purpose of this, not in the usual way of looking pretty. I am meant to look primitive. And anyone else can interpret it however they want to, for instance, people might like the idea of not using any chemical shampoos. But no, it is not pleasant or attractive in the way people are used to.

When I talked on the phone briefly with dad the other day, he said he was ‘just getting old.’ I need to set up another vacation and go visit them, but I mostly need to set up a vacation so that I can do my projects of cleaning things up and getting rid of stuff.

I finally got my comments to appear on Rick’s blog, but I can’t do it from home – for whatever reason, whether it’s my browser or what, there is some problem when I try to use my computer and my browser, and my comments appear intermittently and then disappear. I can get them to appear, and stay there, if I use other computers. This would be a low priority thing to do, except for the moods. The goal to achieve is vague and undefined. Am I trying to achieve a real world friendship? Am I trying to be his second wife and have his children?

Mostly, I write to him because ‘they’ are giving me delusional beliefs about him actually wanting to read what I say. I call that delusional because… I’m accustomed to nobody giving a shit what I say, I guess. I would expound upon every line of some of his blogs if I were in the mood to do that. I look at them, sometimes just glancing over them, other times seeing a hundred different words and ideas that trigger memories, thoughts, arguments, and things I wanted to tell someone.

Often when I tell him things I find out he already knows about them. Which author was it that described that experience? Oh, I remember – Harry Browne. There was someone who admired Harry Browne, and it might have been Carla Howell and Michael Cloud, or it might have been someone else, I forget. They wrote about how, when they finally met and spoke to HB, they started telling him all these things that he should change and all these new ideas for things he ought to do, as though he was their own personal slave who existed for the purpose of taking their clueless newbie advice and doing everything they said. Meanwhile, they were telling him things he already knew and had known about for years, or things he disagreed with and had good reasons for disagreeing with. And they laughed about that incident later – remember when I met you for the first time and I told you that you should be doing A, B, C, and D instead of what you were doing?

I am having exactly that kind of reaction to Rick. Often, when I go through his blogs, I see that he’s already talked about some idea that I wanted to mention, in an earlier blog. Mostly, I am superfluous. He needs a cook. That’s about all. I can’t cook for him over the net, and I have some issues with cooking, but not because I don’t want to. It’s a long story. He doesn’t ‘need’ someone to write comments on his blogs. That is just another blog commenter saying something slightly different from what ten other people have already said, or writing a longer and more personal comment than they did, or mentioning some random detail which turns out to be not all that useful or relevant. So ‘they’ give me the delusion that he actually cares about receiving my blog comments, and they have been urging me to write more of them. I complain about his wife, I complain about how stupid she is, I make fun of every little comment she ever made on facebook or elsewhere in her blogs, and I say she’s there to do three things: feed, fuck, and follow. All she has to do is cook, provide sex, and follow him when he goes hiking. And he’s perfectly content with that, which is why I’m superfluous, and why my emails and blog comments are just going to be ignored. (Note, when I say ‘I complain about her,’ I don’t mean that I’m writing emails to Rick complaining about her. Those complaints are in my mind whenever ‘they’ are forcing me to think about her. In reality, I just don’t think about her. This entire situation is fake, and in the real world, I wouldn’t be spending much time at all thinking about him or his wife.)

After reading his socionist blog I was thinking about what it is about myself that I think is the biggest ‘problem’ with my personality. I think that being an irrational type causes me the most conflict with the world. It is hard for me to ‘get stuff done’ as much as this particular society demands, in the particular ways they demand it, and I can only do something if it’s urgent and some terrible thing will happen if I don’t do it.

However, my personality is so severely distorted and disturbed by the attacks that I actually don’t know what I would be like if I were not being constantly bombarded with delusional ideas and desires and being woken up after only a couple hours of sleep each night. But I won’t go into complaining about that right now.

I uploaded a video and I’m in the process of uploading a second one if all goes well.

April 29, 2011

http://www.youtube.com/eagledove9

These videos were mostly just to show what my dreadlocks look like right now.  You can see the Weston Price jaw deformities in these videos if you know what to look for.  My face narrows at the bottom, and I have a small  jaw that doesn’t open very far, and a very small mouth.  It bothers me what my hair was doing through most of these videos, as I want to push it out of the way, and I can’t.  You can clearly see my mustache whiskers thoughout the video, and, once again, I get irked looking at that because they were sticking out to one side more than usual.  Just another thing to get used to.  I have my reasons why I’ve chosen to look the way I do.

Preventing the Weston Price deformities is my goal for my first child, if I can ever get my life ready for childbearing.  I can’t wait to see whether it’s really true that the face and jaw will be fully formed and there will be no ‘need’ for orthodontics.  I love the idea that my children will be more beautiful than I myself am.  It’s such a hopeful idea.

My lawnmower guy cancelled our meeting, but…

April 29, 2011

After years and years of torture and learned helplessness, I easily give up in despair at the slightest setback. The lawnmower guy cancelled our meeting about the bookkeeper job. I sent him an email asking when he would like to reschedule, but actually, I had already given up. I ‘knew’ that he ‘actually meant’ that he didn’t want me anymore and that he had found someone else and was cancelling forever and would never speak to me again.

However, this morning, I went to my email, and he had written back to me to reschedule our meeting for real.

So I have to continue making a prolonged effort, without giving up, to learn what I need to learn for the informal, self-employed bookkeeping job that I am making myself do.

A simple basic cell phone without any features; comments not appearing; my reaction to my work uniform clothes

April 29, 2011

9:19 AM 4/29/11

I just invented something. I’ve invented this before, though. But when I was inventing it again this morning, I was fighting with ‘them’ to find ways to remove unwanted features from the invention, and we thought of a good way to do it.

It started when I was thinking of Rick disconnecting from the internet while he goes hiking. I don’t know if cell phone service goes far enough to cover the parts of the mountains that he goes hiking in. It probably covers a surprisingly large area, but maybe not all of it. I don’t know how far you have to go from cell phone towers to get away from the signal. Getting away from cell phone signals is actually something I want to experience, because I believe that the background noise that I feel and hear constantly is caused by electromagnetic sensitivity to the cell phone frequency.

(*I’ve erased an entire paragraph here. It was one of those insane ‘jokes’ that are not funny. Someone has informed me that it is not true, and that it might be taken as true by people who read my blog.*)

(It was one of those days yesterday. I was having a reaction to my clothing, the internet wasn’t working on my ipod at work, I refuse to capitalize the P in ipod unless I’m using my ipod and it automatically spell-checks it and capitalizes it for me, in which case I won’t fight it, but here on my PC, I can do whatever I want, which means that all the letters in ‘ipod’ are lowercase, because I never liked Steve Jobs even BEFORE I discovered that he was my socionics conflict personality type. Anyway. I was having a reaction to my clothing, and couldn’t post a blog at work, and couldn’t get the wireless at work to do anything at all, so I spent a very long time troubleshooting the wireless, only to find that I actually WAS connected, but was somehow bypassing the login screen, which is the reason why the login screen wasn’t popping up. So then I tried using the net and some pages were working, while other pages just sat there loading and doing nothing for minutes and minutes and minutes, so I went to another wireless location and tried something there, which was, a comment on Rick’s blog, and it actually appeared, probably because it was the middle of the night and he was asleep, unable to delete the comment. So I started troubleshooting why my comments never appear on his site, and I got several of them to appear, but by then, the clock on his blog was saying it was 7:00 AM – it was like midnight for me, I think – and my comments started disappearing. If someone is there at the crack of dawn for the sole purpose of deleting my blog comments as fast as I can write them, then somebody has a problem. So anyway, he needs help breaking his internet addiction. (*NOTE: This was all a so-called ‘joke’ which was not funny to anyone except the author while in a manic state. None of this is true, and I was told by Rick that he is NOT deleting the comments, and he is NOT addicted to using the net, and he does not know why the comments are not appearing, but it is because of something technical, a problem with my old computer and browser. The concept of the so-called ‘joke’ was that it was so far from the truth, so totally opposite of the truth, that it did not even have the slightest grain of truth in it, and was therefore ‘funny.’ However, he read it and took it as me telling lies about him, not ‘jokes,’ quote unquote, and I agree, he and other people could take it that way, and it is a legitimate grievance.*) That was why the cell phone was being reinvented this morning, because I had been wondering what happens when he goes hiking in the mountains, wondering if he carried a cell phone, and whether it worked in the mountains, and whether it had an internet connection or not.)

Anyway, when ‘they’ woke me up this morning, ‘they’ wouldn’t allow me to think about *ANYTHING ELSE ON EARTH* except the *HUGELY IMPORTANT TASK* of troubleshooting why my comments won’t appear on Rick’s blog. Except for some reason, they wanted me to keep trying to write comments from my own computer. I had an argument with them over that, because if comments aren’t working when I post them from my own computer, I am going to assume that it’s a problem with my old opera browser, and I am going to go someplace else to troubleshoot comments. One of my successful comments was given from my all-lowercase ipod on wireless, and if you ever see ‘ipod’ with a capital P in it, that means I wrote the blog on my ipod, which automatically rewrites that word for me with a capital P. So, I am going to try something like that again if I’m troubleshooting.

But they were insisting that I just get on my PC right now and leave some more failed comments, because apparently they are so wonderful to him that he has been eagerly waiting for more of my comments all day long, for hours and hours and hours, while I’ve been in bed asleep. He told me that he DOES receive a notification in email whenever I attempt to post a failed comment. So do I – I get an email saying that I left a comment, but the comment doesn’t appear, except every now and then, I have actually gotten a couple of them to appear, but it is intermittent. And now, the one that ‘suddenly appeared out of nowhere’ recently is one where I claimed I was an enneagram type Three, which is no longer applicable, because I have recently decided to totally stop using the enneagram at all, since there are so many problems with it, and I won’t get into that now.

Well, this cell phone that I reinvented this morning was something I’ve thought of many times before. I have often wanted to start a business where I make products that are extremely SIMPLE AND BASIC. For instance, I would do the impossible and the unthinkable: I would make a cell phone that could only make phone calls, and it could do absolutely nothing else. Well, I was lying in bed talking to the voices while thinking of this, and we had an argument because I insisted that I didn’t want the cell phone to be able to remember phone numbers. They insisted that, at the very least, it had to be programmable with numbers. I said no. I then invented my most ingenious creation yet, which was a little paper card inserted into the back of the phone with the important phone numbers written on it in pen or pencil. The purpose of the phone is to be extremely cheap, to work really well at doing the one thing it’s supposed to do, which is make phone calls, and to limit you from doing all your other bad habits such as playing little video games or fooling around on the internet. It’s exactly like my old land line phone except it’s a cell phone.

I hate products that have lots of extra unwanted ‘features’ on them, and I also hate things that are all electronic without anything mechanical. I hate things that are too computerized. So the simple basic products corporation would make some things that were mechanically operated again instead of computerized. And there would be no ‘features.’ I would be ruthless and unthinkable in my removal of unwanted features, just as I was above with the phone when I insisted that the phone could not even be allowed to remember programmed phone numbers, but must instead have a paper card inserted into it with phone numbers written by hand. I would be equally ruthless at stripping down all the other products being simplified.

This is part of the theme of ‘making ’em like they used to,’ which is what I was thinking about yesterday at work. The concept yesterday was that borrowed money rewards people who have a very long-term vision, whereas, if you don’t borrow any money, and start from scratch and make incremental improvements in your business, then you might have a more down-to-earth vision of how things should be done and how products should be designed, whereas if you borrow money to start businesses, you can have a long-distance vision of your company, and take big risks, and make lots of products people don’t really like, just because you can, and you don’t have to worry about such mundane things as whether or not people enjoy using your well-designed, ergonomic products.

Basic simple products are what I want to see. Cell phones that only make phone calls, and can’t even remember programmed phone numbers, but, alas, you must write them by hand on a paper card which inserts into the back of the phone. I want the learning curve to be very small with these products. And this is no joke. This is real. I would be totally, totally rich, and millions of people would be literally falling to the ground and worshipping me and kissing my feet with gratitude because they have been begging, and begging, and begging for simple, basic, ergonomically designed, easy-to-use products that have a zero learning curve on them, but NO ONE LISTENS TO WHAT PEOPLE REALLY WANT. I am telling you PEOPLE *REALLY REALLY WANT* simple basic products without ANY FEATURES AT ALL. In fact I even heard a DJ on the radio complaining about this very thing yesterday, because he got a phone call from someone and he could barely hear them, and he complained, wouldn’t it be nice if cell phones just focused on making themselves easy to hear, instead of adding all these games and things on the phones? I totally agreed with him.

Why can’t they get this? If you even THINK about designing simple products without any features, there are all these ‘unthinkability barriers.’ It’s UNTHINKABLE to design a phone that can’t even be programmed to remember phone numbers! Read Edward de Bono and put on your green hat and think the unthinkable! What if there was a phone where you could hear, but not talk? What if there was a phone that let you talk, but not hear? Think the unthinkable. What if there was a phone that had no buttons, so that you weren’t able to push buttons to dial the numbers? Find out what ‘green hat thinking’ is and find out how it’s used. It’s in ‘Six Thinking Hats,’ a very useful book. (All the socionists would be looking at that book and trying to correlate the hats to the eight socionic functions, and making new hats, and merging old hats into new ones, and complaining that the hats don’t correspond to the Jungian functions, and that therefore they are no use whatsoever, and they must be wrong. But nevertheless, there are only six hats, and they are very useful.)

What kind of reaction am I having to my clothing, and why? A few days ago I finally had a chance to wash my work uniform. But I did it just a couple minutes before going to work, so I only had time to wash it once. One wash cycle isn’t enough to get rid of St. John’s Wort residue, which had gotten on the uniform, mostly on the pants, because my vinyl car seat cover had been ripped and destroyed during the months of winter, and I didn’t replace the vinyl until just recently; so I was getting sjw on my pants every time I sat on the driver’s seat, all winter long. When you wash sjw out of clothing only once, it just spreads it around all over the clothing. I didn’t have time to do a more thorough wash than that. So I have been wearing sjw-laced clothing to work for the last few days, and have been getting into a sjw-induced mood. That is part of why I became dedicated to the task of commenting on Rick’s blog no matter how many times the comments got deleted, as I was in a drug-induced mania. And no, this mania isn’t as bad as the one I got from the gray sweatshirt that I lent to my co-worker briefly – and I don’t know what drug she got on it, but it gave me really bad problems for a couple of weeks until I figured out it was coming from the sweatshirt, and stopped wearing that sweatshirt.

Anyway. ‘They’ woke me up this morning and refused to allow me to think about anything else on earth except trying to comment on Rick’s blog. Meanwhile, I had other things that I needed to think about. I have projects to do and errands to run. He has to go to sleep sometime, and when he does sleep, that would be the perfect time to try commenting on his blog and finding out whether my comments appear. That means I have to know what time it is in Ukraine.

I’ve been having the phenomenon of rereading his writings and seeing more layers of meaning in them every time I read them, and noticing things I never noticed the first time, things I just carelessly read over without understanding them. It’s like watching a favorite movie over and over again, where you notice things you never saw the first time. That is how I watch movies. I only buy a very small number of movies, and I watch them dozens and dozens of times, over a period of years and years and years. So I went back to his socionist blog and was glancing at the very last entry in it and noticing millions of things I needed to comment about, and this was partly because of sjw mania.

As disappointing as it may be to everyone benefitting from my mood, I do, actually, want to get rid of the residue from my clothing so that I will stop having a reaction to it.

My troubleshooting is done. Prepare to be commented upon.

April 28, 2011

I got one comment to work from my ipod. I’m not sure why that one ipod comment didn’t show up in my google search a few weeks ago when I saw that there were zero results for my username. But yes, it worked when I commented from my ipod again tonight. And I also got it to work from my other opera browser. Just not the usual opera browser that I prefer to use. For whatever reason, it just won’t go through on my usual opera browser.

So I am going to start all over doing what I was trying to do in the first place: start up a mundane, ordinary, blogger-to-blogger, intellectual relationship, which is what this was all about. If my comments had been successfully posting all this time, then I might have gotten an actual reply once in a while. That is what I was trying to do from the beginning.

He says HE didn’t delete my comments, and I know *I* didn’t delete them. For whatever reason, it causes an unexplained technical problem when I use the browser that I normally use, and it says it posted, but it deletes it and it never appears. Apparently this confused BOTH of us from the beginning. So I am starting over at the beginning, doing what I was trying to do originally, which was: TALK ABOUT STUFF. The end.

A crazy person’s craziness isn’t the problem…

April 28, 2011

8:18 AM 4/28/11

When they woke me up this morning they were talking about Se and Si, extraverted and introverted sensing. I had mentioned that one of the upper level managers at work seemed to be weak at introverted sensing, because we were having a severe ergonomic problem. I’m not sure which type he is, but – and this wasn’t just one incident, it was one of several – we bought a new cooler up at the front counter, and, while it’s nice to have a new cooler, they moved some other things around to make room for it. Except it didn’t really make room, and not only that, but it seems that making room was unnecessary, and worse than leaving it the way it was originally.

Now there are some pieces of equipment where 1. a short person can just barely reach the McFlurry topping dispensers, and 2. only very skinny people can put shake mix in the shake machine, and 3. the McFlurry toppings are very likely to get knocked over, as they are just sitting on something without being bolted down the way they used to be. I think it was better the way it was before, and we would have been able to get around the cooler. I think the McFlurry toppings are the most easily moved and fixed.

But a couple of people have mentioned it and complained, and when the person responded to their complaints, it seemed that the person didn’t have sympathy for the problem… so when I heard that story I wondered if Si was involved, as they seemed to have other priorities besides whether someone could comfortably use the equipment or not.

So they were talking about that when they woke me up this morning; they also mentioned sick building syndrome, which I am already aware of; they also mentioned Se, extraverted sensing, where, if you have a weakness in Se, then, if someone chases you off your territory, you say something along the lines of, ‘Oh well, I didn’t really want to be there anyway.’ That seems to be what happened with Rick, as I had emailed him the other day and tried to tell him what to do about the problem he is having with me, and he merely said that he wasn’t going to be at the forum very much anyway, and that he would be ignoring my emails. If I were in control of myself, I would be able to simply stop; but I am not the one choosing to do these things, and I am not the one choosing to obsess about him; because of that, I am not really able to stop just because I want to, but instead, will be likely to continue emailing him.

A moderator talked with me at the forum, and I said that I would not do any more personally directed comments at him or forum blogs about him.

I saved my files of the conversation – they were ‘web archive’ files and I checked them just now to see that they actually saved. I’m going to see what I can edit. I wasn’t sure last night what parts of my comments I would be able to change but I will look at that now.

Most of the world will view this as a crazy person’s craziness being responsible for the problem. From my point of view, this is a perfectly healthy person – well, not physically healthy – a chemical sensitive person with chronic fatigue and chemical-induced mood changes – but, mentally healthy – A mentally healthy person who is being controlled by an external attacker, and no one believes me, and no one can do anything about it.

“Dental filling role in erectile dysfunction” – one of the search terms that led to my blog.

April 27, 2011

If someone out there is searching for that and finding my blog, then I might as well write an actual post about it so that it’s even easier for people to find.

This is only my opinion, based on my own experiences with composite resin dental fillings.

It is my opinion that yes, plastic dental fillings can cause erectile dysfunction.  Immediately after I got my plastic dental fillings, I began having hot flashes, severe mood swings, and severe breast pain.  That is when I began researching bisphenol-A.  I myself did NOT have noticeable problems with anorgasmia (I am female) after getting the dental fillings; however, I have a friend who developed erectile dysfunction more severely than ever before during the time period when he had a plastic catheter inserted into his chest for a few months, and his erectile dysfunction improved after the plastic catheter was removed.  So I suspected that the plastic catheter might have contained bisphenol-A and might have caused the worsening of the erectile dysfunction.

If the plastic dental fillings can cause so many other hormone-related problems, then I think they are very likely to cause erectile dysfunction in some people.

For a variety of reasons, I haven’t been able to start cooking at home and testing the diets that are used to remineralize damaged teeth.  I want to remineralize my own teeth and I also want to remove both of my dental fillings completely and not replace them with any other type of fillings, but will instead leave the cavities open.  This experiment is postponed as I have had severe chronic fatigue and can’t do any projects or cook at home.  But I will be testing this in the future.

Feng shui

April 27, 2011

That last post is outdated. – Wait, no, the one I’m talking about still didn’t appear.  I had a problem with the WordPress thing on my iPod.

Sometimes the voices make jokes that are really, really funny. There is this upper level manager who apparently can’t do introverted sensing. He moved all our equipment into these insane, impossible to reach places where it’s almost totally unusable.

Today the voices said, maybe he did it to work with the Feng Shui. I laughed out loud.

Last time I searched for my username, there were zero results on his site.

April 25, 2011

Now, today, when I searched for my own username (eagledove9) on google, I happened to see one comment which did get through on his site.  Last time I searched, there were zero of them.  I really don’t care that much if my comments actually post on his site or not, I’m just wondering what’s going on.  The one that posted said it was from my iPod, which makes it seem like it’s a browser problem preventing them from posting – however, that wasn’t there at all last time.  In other words, it only recently appeared.  He said that he thought I deleted the comments myself.  He got the emails saying that I had left a comment, but then the comments were deleted, and I was thinking he deleted them, and he thought I deleted them.  Now, one of them isn’t deleted….

Today is a flaming hate day.  He hasn’t gone to the forum, I have no way to communicate with him, and I already know there will be no answer to my emails.  I never know whether the emails are being ignored, or whether they’re being intercepted, and so, I go through all the feelings and emotions that I would feel for both scenarios.  I feel the anger and the hate and the rejection and everything that comes from being ignored.

Then, during other moments, I go through the feeling of distant, faraway camaraderie, as I imagine that some real, living human out there wants to talk to me, but can’t get through the email because of the interception.  Someone somewhere does understand and believe me.   I need the camaraderie, the connection with people who believe me, people who believe that my emails and phone calls really are being intercepted, people who believe that electronic mind control, surveillance, and stalking really are happening, and that it matters that they are happening, and that this is one of the most important things that people need to be worrying about in the world today, one of the biggest problems we have to solve, the biggest war we have to fight, the battle for our free will – I want someone who feels this way about it.

So I go through phases of hate, and rejection, as I’m sure I’m just being ignored and disrespected.  And in other moments I go back to assuming that all my emails are being blocked, and I just can’t verify or troubleshoot because I’m talking to someone who lives in a distant country and I can’t go up to them in person to ask them about whether we got each other’s emails.

About being respected:  I don’t know if I will actually end up getting hired by this lawnmower guy or not.  I hope so.  But even if he doesn’t hire me, this tells me that at least somebody, somewhere saw my ad and needed my help.  If it’s not him, then maybe it will be the next person.  There will be people who respect my competence as a bookkeeper.  So I might possibly feel respected in one small way, even though I need a lot more support in many other ways.

But I want the camaraderie of knowing that something matters, my freedom matters, my life matters.  It matters that I am a targeted individual and that I do not get a single second of a single day to use my brain the way I want to.   I want to feel that someone else out there feels this along with me, at the same time, that we both know.

I am not in a good mood today.

I’m not going to act like a cutesy little child.

April 25, 2011

10:43 PM 4/25/11

So, there was a puppet incident tonight. The bookkeeping guy emailed me and wanted me to call him tonight around 8:00 and I emailed back and said I would try. Then, I was ‘thinking to myself,’ quote unquote, about how ‘funny’ it would be if McDonald’s got three buses full of US Senators (this is what I was imagining) during the time when I had to make my phone call. I was planning to take a quick break from work during that time, as we usually aren’t too busy right then, and I knew I’d be able to take a few minutes for a phone call, as that’s something I don’t normally do, and they would understand. So I was assuming it wouldn’t be too busy at 8:00 PM.

Well, we really did get a bus, just a couple minutes before I was getting ready to take my quick break to make the phone call. It was a bus full of ‘hot, illegal teenage boys.’ I’m not sure who they were or what they were doing. They were teenage boys, probably some kind of sports team, and it looked like they were all boys and no girls. They didn’t look like the yucky ‘jock’ type of sports team though. They didn’t seem like a football team. They also didn’t seem to be wearing uniforms, although I only got a few glances at them, as I spent most of the time in the kitchen and I couldn’t really see them. Some of them were just wearing normal clothes.

But the ‘joke’ was that I would have to choose between frantically helping out in the kitchen, as I would suddenly be desperately needed, right at the moment when I was supposed to take a break and make the phone call. So I made a quick call on the cell phone and asked the guy if I could call him back in a few minutes, as we had just gotten a bus full of people. He said that was okay.

Eventually, after we had gotten through the bus, I did call him back. It seems like just the kind of job I am looking for. I will recognize the ‘job cluster’ more easily in the future. It was like this: an entrepreneur is starting a new business, and he’s gotten overwhelmed because he has too many customers and too much work to do, and he’s making lots of money, and he’s getting this big, messy pile of paperwork and receipts and money that he needs to keep track of, and it’s getting backlogged, and he’s too exhausted every day when he gets done actually DOING the work that he does for his business, and so he isn’t able to focus on the side jobs, like paperwork, associated with the business. That’s the pattern to look for. I will probably hear that exact same pattern again and again from anyone who contacts me asking for help. I started a business, and, man, I thought it would be really hard to start up a business, but all of a sudden, I’m a millionaire, and I have so much work to do that I can’t do all the paperwork – please help!

(*Rick said in an email to me that my description of his relationship with his wife was inaccurate and insulting. Everything that I’ve written here is based on unpleasant past experiences that I myself have had where I have been in relationships with people who wanted me to play the role of a child while they played a paternalistic role. I haven’t seen Rick and his wife interacting in the real world. So, take everything I said here to be imaginary and wrong.*)

The ‘hot, illegal teenage boys’ connected with Rick, as I have noticed that his wife has the ‘cutesy’ behavior which I can’t stand. And Rick himself prefers to take a paternalistic role. He wants to be the person who teaches the other, but he does not want anyone to teach ANYTHING to him, ESPECIALLY not a woman, his inferior. His wife is, or was for a while, dependent and helpless, as he was the only one who could speak the language really well, and she needed him to get everything for her, and she needed him to take her places when she went out – she couldn’t go out alone. This is the type of situation he likes to be in. She worries that she’s a burden on him, but he likes to have someone who depends on him in a childlike way. And her way of talking is extremely annoying to me, as I read some of her comments – ‘I feel so poopy about my dumb computer 😦 .’ You will never, ever catch me saying that I feel ‘so poopy’ about my ‘dumb’ anything. She does the childish cutesy thing, and that would be the reason why he likes her. Again, as usual, I’m attracted to intelligent (*epithet – I edited this out*) who can’t stand me because I’m too old, too strong, and too smart for them, and I refuse to act like I’m inferior. I can’t tolerate any relationship where I am expected to act like a cutesy little child, an inferior, someone dependent who has to be protected by the other.

I want someone who respects my competence and my intelligence. I want someone who takes me seriously. I want someone who doesn’t expect me to act like a cutesy little child to be patted on the head in a condescending way. That cutesy little child is the type of woman that Rick is attracted to, and that is why he married the woman he married. She doesn’t mind being a passive, helpless, dependent little follower without any initiative of her own.

I want someone who can see me for who I am. I am bitter and harsh because I am living in a terrible situation that I must endure day after day. I would be happy and playful if only my mind were not under constant attack 24 hours a day by unknown people. I would be happy if I could sleep at night without being interrupted and without being forced to have fake dreams, if I could think any thought of my own without being forced, if I could feel any feeling of my own, initiate any plans or ideas, desire anything on my own.

I want someone who respects me. I want someone who sees through me. I want someone who sees what is inside me that has been quietly suppressed all these years.

I sent Rick a couple more emails. I seriously doubt that I will get any reply. They are either being intercepted or ignored. Oh well.

Uh-oh

April 25, 2011

I just realized, there’s one disadvantage to disconnecting from the net at home. I will be more likely to check the forum from my iPod on the wifi at work, which means I will start crying every time Rick enforces his appropriate social distance boundaries, and I can’t cry privately at home, but will be suppressing it for hours at work.

It’s a lawnmowing guy – classic ‘gray market.’

April 25, 2011

There are a couple of amusing things about this situation.

On my ad, I made it clear that I was totally clueless and that I wanted to gain experience. I said the only experience I had was doing the exercises in the book and doing my own bookkeeping at home for practice, but no experience in a business environment. I wanted people to know that I am NOT going to be able to do high-level scary stuff. I can just do low-level simple things.

So, I actually am not only willing to work FOR FREE, but also, I would PAY HIM for the service of ALLOWING me to practice real-world bookkeeping in a business environment. It’s like paying for piano lessons. I’m paying someone to give me a chance to learn something. I would also pay him for the very valuable service of taking me seriously as a competent, intelligent human being. ‘Taking me seriously’ is a very valuable, therapeutic service for someone to perform.

The other funny thing about this is, actually, it’s a lawnmowing service. That is the CLASSIC ‘gray market’ scenario. When I first learned the phrase ‘gray market’ while reading FSK, he was talking about lawnmowing as a typical gray market activity. It’s funny because I don’t really believe in lawnmowing. I think lawnmowing is a pointless waste of time and energy and I think we should all have our own cows grazing in our yards and we should milk the cows every day and have fresh raw milk, instead of mowing the lawn. (Rick doesn’t like cows. Somewhere on his pages he said he and his wife were attacked by wild cows. I can’t imagine how terrifying that would be, if you were miles and miles from anywhere and couldn’t get help if you were injured. I’m serious when I said I clicked all the way through facebook. He said the only good cow is a dead cow or a cow surrounded by natural predators.)

I can still believe that lawnmowing is pointless, even though I don’t believe in peak oil, and I’m not opposed to the wasting of gasoline as such. It’s still wasteful. Those yards are HUGE and they put space between all the people and they’re all bare and empty, no trees, and nobody ever goes out and PLAYS in the yard – you don’t see the lawn covered with children running around doing stuff. The lawns just SIT THERE. And it takes so much time to mow them. Nobody is even USING all that grass! And they put PESTICIDES and HERBICIDES and FERTILIZERS on it to make it perfect and weedless. (mental note: I might possibly be exposed to herbicides while going and doing the books at this place wherever it is.)

So I had to sort of ‘dis’ or ‘neg’ the idea of lawnmowing… but guess what, I really, really NEED to gain experience and be respected and be taken seriously as a competent person. My real feeling is that I don’t care AT ALL that it’s a lawnmowing job. My actual emotions aren’t even worried about that at all. I don’t care who it is. I don’t care what it is. I don’t care what they’re doing as long as they’re not killing people. It’s a human out there, an entrepreneur, someone who decided to make money by doing something that large numbers of people want, and he wants a helper, someone really cheap, and he’s willing to give me ‘bookkeeping lessons.’

I have wondered many times about starting my own business, and always, I have ethical concerns. No matter what business I imagined starting, I was always asking whether it was ethical to do that. No matter what I thought of, there was always SOMETHING I disapproved of, SOMETHING I objected to. For instance, I believe in eating meat. But I DO NOT believe in treating the animals the way they are treated at the factory farms. I am working for McDonald’s. They are the king of the factory farm phenomenon. And that is my employer.

Sometimes my ethical questions were more of a feeling that it’s a ‘waste of time’ or ‘pointless’ to do something. It’s not really bad or evil, it’s just that you could be doing far more important and worthwhile things instead. Lawnmowing is kind of in that category.

There were always infinity questions that I would ask when I imagined starting my own business.

It was a couple years ago when I started to look into bookkeeping that I felt like it was *my* thing to do. Money is universal. Money is everywhere. No matter where you go, someone is trying to make a profit on something, and they might need help keeping track of their money. I like it that this service is universally needed. And I can do something so simple as helping Grandma balance her checkbook and reconcile her bank statements. I don’t mind.

So, I’ll call this guy later today and see what it’s about.

Wow, something strange happened. A human in the real world is taking me seriously.

April 25, 2011

Some courageous person actually responded to my bookkeeping ad. I had this really weird emotional response when I saw their email. I’m not sure I can put the emotional response into words. It started with me saying ‘no… no…… no!…..’ in a whispered, delighted voice, opening my mouth, laughing, and sticking my tongue between my teeth and licking. I think that’s sort of a happy response. I haven’t replied yet. I still need to read the email.

Someone actually takes me seriously as a respectable human being??? I mean, they actually looked at that ad and said, ‘I want to WORK with this person???’

What is the agenda? Friend or foe?

April 24, 2011

I’m looking at this from someone else’s point of view.  What would an Fi person see when I am attacking them about their beliefs?  That’s assuming he hasn’t read this blog (although he did go to my profile page on the forum).  If someone views you as ‘the enemy’ because of your belief, then what do you assume their hidden agenda is?

I thought about this.  In the real world, I would actually avoid confronting him about his beliefs about PO.  It would be something that we just wouldn’t talk directly about that much.  I agree with his lifestyle choices for reasons that have nothing to do with PO.  PO was merely the one thing he was talking about that I had any strong reaction to.  It was all because of not being able to communicate with him in email, and because, as always, I am not able to control which particular things and people my mind is forced to obsess on.

‘They,’ however, asked me, wouldn’t I care about stopping the spread of misinformation?  Wouldn’t I want to stop people from talking about ‘wrong’ ideas?  Wouldn’t I want to stop the consequences of those ideas?  The only disclaimer that I would ever want him to make would be:  don’t take all your money and invest it all into something that derives from the idea of PO.  For instance, don’t invest all your money in something that is supposed to pay off when the price of oil rises extremely high as a result of an oil shortage.  That’s all.  That’s the main harmful consequence of the idea that I can see – real people losing money if they make financial decisions based on the idea of PO.  He himself made it sound like or seem like he wasn’t investing money into PO-related investments.

None of this would be happening, except for the fact that ‘they’ give me the idea to go accomplish some kind of a ‘mission’ involving him, and they won’t let me forget him.  He doesn’t like being constantly attacked in a useless and unproductive way, for no reason.

I decided they might be postponing children because they are paying off his wife’s debt.  I’m not sure how big the debt is.  I’m assuming it was from college.  I don’t know how long ago that was – it might be paid off by now.  This was something I found during the marathon website stalking session, something about her debt.

Each day that goes by brings me closer to being disconnected from the internet.  I won’t be able to spend as much time trying to communicate with a faraway person who I will never meet in the real world.

I need to sleep.  I’m finding it hard to write clearly.

About buying and selling coins

April 24, 2011

4:10 PM 4/24/11

So how do you buy and sell gold and silver coins? I have to talk about this because there’s something that I don’t know the answers to, myself.

I’ve been wondering what to do with a very large amount of money which is, right now, all in the form of ‘financial paper.’ I don’t know how much money there is. This is my father’s money. He saved it for years and years working as a radiologist. He retired early, which was his goal, and is now living off the saved money. Whatever his investments are, they are profitable. When I went to visit them in West Virginia in December 2010, he got a call on the phone from a guy who had been his stock broker for a really long time – I actually remembered the name of this particular guy who called on the phone when I was a teenager – and the guy told him how much money was coming in at that time from his stuff, whatever it is.

I worry that something might happen which would make all of my father’s money disappear. I don’t know which kind of papers he has. He has some stocks, bonds, and other things that earn interest. However, I myself *believe* that earning interest is dangerous and ineffective – that the interest rates are too low to be worth the risk of losing whatever you are invested in. I just don’t ‘believe in’ even TRYING to earn interest anymore.

However, the reality of dad’s investments is that something, somewhere, is profitable. He has mutual bonds (is that the right word?), and I don’t know what those are, and he has local government bonds. Some of the state governments are having trouble paying their bonds and might default on them.

This is one of the reasons why I have spent some time learning about money and investing. If dad dies, I will be responsible for my share of whatever inheritance he gives to me. I don’t know how much I will inherit, versus what mom and John inherit. I have no idea of the actual real value of his money and what form it will be in. I want my dad to live to be 120 years old… but of course, sooner or later, he will die. I don’t know how much of the money will be left when he does. Whatever it is, it will be a large amount of money, more than I have ever had in my hands all at once before. Even if it’s only a relatively trivial amount, like $50,000, that’s still more money than I make in a year, and more money than I have ever had handed to me all at once, so I still need to be responsible for learning what to do with it when I have it.

In some ways, it’s a mistake to do nothing but buy a whole bunch of gold and silver bars and coins, and nothing but that. To be honest, my ‘personal beliefs and preferences’ suggest that that is what I ought to do. That is, in all honesty, what I believe. But in reality, I will probably learn about what this is, all these investments and pieces of paper, and how they are ‘earning interest,’ quote unquote, even though I am extremely skeptical about what interest really means in an untrustworthy financial system where the interest rates are too low, the risks of losing it all in one big default are too high, and the value of the dollar is getting lower and lower due to inflation. That is why I have been learning about all this stuff for a while. It’s been a while since I studied anything financial, so none of it is fresh in my memory at this time, but I will learn it as necessary.

I do not want to waste his money – I want to get financially independent. He gave me and John a book, ‘Your Money Or Your Life,’ about how to let your money keep earning enough interest that you never have to work again. However, the recommendations in that book are now outdated, because most of it depended on the thing that I can’t remember the name of, which is no longer really profitable or reliable. Some kind of government bond or paper. T-bills or something. The whole plan in the book depended on T-Bills, which aren’t as profitable or reliable as we would like.

The rest of the book recommended an extremely simple, conservative, frugal lifestyle. I don’t mind an extremely conservative, frugal lifestyle, and I love the idea of not having to work. There are so many things I would do if I didn’t have to go to a job. I could survive on the tiniest amount of money. I have seriously considered living in my car so that I would not pay rent, and I have been reading on the net about the realistic details of HOW to live in your car. My car has some problems, which makes it unlikely that I will be living in my car until and unless I fix them. Anyway, that is the type of extreme that I will go to.

However, with my chronic fatigue and other problems, I am unable to transition into the lifestyle I want to live, the lifestyle of extreme frugality, for the purpose of financial independence, for the practice at becoming as frugal and independent as possible, even while my father is still alive, which I sincerely hope will be a very, very long time still. But even as I hope that, I know that I must be prepared for his death sometime, and I must anticipate what I will do with an unknown amount of money, as we haven’t talked about the exact amount of money that it will be. Even if it is only ‘trivial,’ like $50,000, as I said above, I want to keep that money from disappearing, and I want it to work for itself earning ‘interest’ quote unquote if there is such a thing. I severely distrust all banks and government institutions with large amounts of money, and I expect them to either default on their debts, or else make the dollar so worthless that $50,000 won’t buy a loaf of bread – one or the other I expect to happen.

That is why I wonder about whether it’s worthwhile to buy nothing but gold and silver with the entire amount. There are people out there who would be seriously considering doing that kind of thing.

There are some things that happen when you buy and sell coins. I have a trivial number of coins, not enough to be really useful, just enough to feel that I have a tiny bit of money saved for an emergency.

Here is what happens. If I buy a coin for $20 today, and then I turn around and sell it back to the same guy who sold it to me, he will have to knock off a portion of the dollar amount when he buys it back from me, and I might get $15 for it when I sell it to him on that very same day. This is real, as I did sell a coin that I had to the guy I bought it from, and he explained that he can’t buy coins back at the price he sells them at, and that it’s not advisable to sell them back right away, but instead to sell them back after a long time has passed and the dollar value has gone up.

I have thought about the concept of ‘value,’ and I am skeptical about the idea that the coins are actually ‘increasing in value,’ as I am aware that the value of the dollar is falling, and there is a bubble of unknown size somewhere in the financial system which may pop at any time, and then, aside from all that, the value of gold and silver is actually increasing an unknown amount, but it’s partially controlled by mysterious people and forces who have kind of a monopoly on it, or else, people are controlling the price in some other way that makes the price unreliable or untrustworthy. I don’t know any details – all of this is just a vague concept.

Anyway, the first thing you must assume with coins is that you shouldn’t try to sell them back quickly after buying them. They are something you hold onto for a long, long time, and the ‘imaginary price’ of those coins might ‘go up’ quote unquote, even though you know it might not really be ‘going up in value,’ as the entire concept of ‘value’ is a mess. But don’t try to sell them back a few months from now.

You would need to keep part of the money in a physical ‘jar’ of paper bills, if you strongly distrusted the banks THAT MUCH. You would keep enough money in the bank to be able to use your checking account as needed. The paper dollars in the ‘jar’ are there for you to use without any transaction costs, that money that you destroy when you buy the coin for $20 and sell it back the same day for $15 – that might be the bid/ask spread. You need to have plenty of money that you can get to without any transaction costs. All gold and silver coins must be left to sit there for a very long time without being sold, as they have such a high transaction cost for selling them.

I have imagined the need to write a spreadsheet where I would keep track of the ratio of the values of various items, such as the ratio of silver/gold, silver/oil, and so on. I might even put in a couple types of human labor, you know, the minimum wage labor, and other hourly wages. This is all vague yet.

When you buy a piece of silver, you would record its ratios for the time when you bought it. This gives you some idea of its ‘value’ aside from the dollar value. All those other commodities are also affected by the bubbles and the manipulations in the financial industry, so you can’t get any kind of ‘absolute truth’ as to how much anything is really worth, but you can only say that one piece of silver was worth one pound of coal or whatever at a given time. When you prepare to sell something, you would once again look at the ratios on the day when you wanted to sell it. You would say, ‘Hey, look – the silver/coal ratio has gone up. Silver can’t buy as much coal as it used to,’ or ‘The silver/coal ratio has gone down – one piece of silver can buy a lot more coal than it used to.’ And then, although my brain is fuzzy today and I can’t think too well – then, you would look at several different ratios and decide the moment when it really would be profitable to sell your coins, taking into account the transaction costs as well.

That is why I am thinking about these things. I am sick, I have no money at all, I don’t make any money at my job. But I am studying double-entry bookkeeping, and I am going to learn about finances and investing. I have read a couple books about investing. This is because I will inherit an unknown amount of money from dad when he dies, and may he live a much longer time yet, I hope.

I didn’t mention anything about ‘bullion coins’ versus ‘collector value coins.’ I don’t get any coins that have ‘collector value.’ I only look for the ones that are close to the bullion value. I distrust collector value, as it’s probably harder for people to agree about.

I’m reading about biogenic and abiogenic petroleum origins.

April 24, 2011

that’s it. very interesting debate.

I found a website that uses REAL FRAMES!!!! THIS IS AWESOME!!!

http://adsabs.harvard.edu/full/1997ASPC..122..107F

Trillion dollar defaults in the international banking system – an unknown order of magnitude; an interview with ‘them’ about the banking system and oil; and, I will never live down this infamous slurping straw analogy.

April 24, 2011

I’m not sure what will happen, but, imagine there are huge, massive, unthinkable amounts of money, trillions of dollars, which will be defaulted on, in the international banking system. What happens when there are trillion-dollar defaults?

If I owe you a trillion dollars, then you will probably be writing lots of little financial instruments as you’re expecting to receive a trillion dollars. You’ll be writing little pieces of paper and trading them around because you think you’re going to get a trillion dollars on a particular date. We have something kind of like this going on with China. We owe China a lot of money.

When something like this goes wrong, it’s usually several orders of magnitude bigger than we imagined it would be, which is why I’m saying trillions of dollars. It could be quadrillions of dollars or it could be a dollar amount that cannot be estimated. It triggers chains of events that lead to unexpected places.

When you default on a huge amount of money, if one day you say, ‘Sorry, but I don’t have a trillion dollars to give you, and I never will. It sucks to be you. Goodbye,’ something happens. (War? Hopefully not, but it could happen.)

Some little line on a chart somewhere will suddenly go down to zero. People who thought that they were rich and getting richer will suddenly have nothing. They would think that their pieces of paper were increasing in value every day, but the next day, they are so worthless that they cannot be sold at all. You can’t even sell them for a penny. They are absolutely nothing.

If something suddenly cannot be traded, if it cannot be sold at all, it’s as though huge amounts of money suddenly vanished from the earth. It’s a sudden deflation, a bubble bursting.

We might think that it would lead to the collapse of the entire world. But instead, somebody somewhere usually finds a way to cover their asses somehow, and they get the financial system restarted again, so that they can continue to create money out of thin air and parasitically steal from trusting, unsuspecting, productive people again. It’s not that easy to totally destroy the entire financial system so that they can’t print money for themselves and steal products and services of real value.

‘Peak money’ is sort of like peak oil. We have an apocalypse fantasy, that we wish something in the financial system would collapse and be destroyed once and for all so that the bad guys would finally lose and would become forever unable to print their own money and pay it to themselves and buy things of real value with it. We *wish* something would knock those people down forever. We want to live without parasites taking our money away from us.

But instead, they just have these bubbles bursting, and then, they patch things up, invent some new way to create imaginary money and steal stuff with it, and then get things moving again.

I just don’t like any form of money saved in large amounts in any kind of banking system. It doesn’t matter what it’s called. It could be an IRA – individual retirement account – or any of the other ones that I can’t remember the name of. If you are looking at your money on a little chart, and watching that line go up or down on the chart, and all your money is somewhere else where you can’t reach it right this instant, then you are vulnerable to a massive trillion-dollar default in the international banking system with all of its interconnected, hard-to-predict chains of consequences.

Massive defaults are intermittent and inevitable. Sometimes, they’ll happen in the same old places where they happened before – for instance, another real estate bubble bursting, as though we didn’t ‘learn our lesson’ the LAST time a real estate bubble burst – it won’t matter, it will burst again, and a whole bunch of shocked, horrified people will be totally surprised, as though this is the first time in history that this has ever happened. Clueless newbies never stop appearing – an endless supply of fools – and when I refer to them as ‘fools,’ I don’t mean to judge them as stupid or contemptible – they are good people being taken advantage of by an evil system, people being fooled. It is always something, and it doesn’t matter at all if it’s exactly the same bubble that has already burst dozens of times before, it will burst again and everyone will be just as surprised as they were before.

This is what I mean when I say they are nickel-and-diming us to death. Real value in society is slowly destroyed and wasted, or stolen by financial parasites. I think it’s also being taken by computer hackers who control the electronic trading systems, but that’s only a theory. If I were a brilliant, evil genius, and if I wanted to get really, really rich, then I would find a way to hack the electronic trading systems and control them so that they would automatically make me ‘win’ all of my trades. I’m sure there are brilliant evil geniuses out there who are much more ambitious and knowledgeable than I am, as I’m one of those not-so-brilliant, not-so-evil geniuses who gets the number ‘140’ when I take an IQ test, but that’s about all that I do. Every dollar stolen from someone electronically is a real couple of minutes of a real, productive, honest person’s time. Every dollar stolen is a loaf of bread that somebody somewhere would have been able to buy in the grocery store. Every dollar stolen is an hour longer that I have to work at my job because I don’t have enough money to live on.

I haven’t been reading anything much lately in the financial world, but, the last time that I read anything, it was about a massive amount of money that the USA owes to China. That’s still there, as far as I know.

It’s just that people work for years and years, saving their money diligently, and then all of it disappears in a bank failure or a failure of the particular piece of paper that they were putting all their money into. This is real people, people like Rick and his wife, over there in Ukraine, and, after reading all his websites again last night, I’m thinking about them, wondering how they save their money. They are living a frugal life in a place that has a low cost of living, and they are making a decent amount of money, and spending some of it on their hobbies like hiking and traveling. But we know Rick by now. Rick would never just carelessly live life and NOT plan for the future… and therefore, he is setting aside money into some form of savings, and it would be a large amount of money. What form of money is he saving it in if he dislikes gold?

There is sort of a painful contradiction going on, and I have to point this out… If he is saving, and using, any form of money that comes from the international banking system, then he is depending on gold whether he likes it or not, because gold is behind everything in the money system somewhere. And… he is also vulnerable to the vanishing papers phenomenon, the bubbles bursting, the trillion dollar defaults, unless he is saving paper money in a jar in his bedroom, and he’s got thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars saved in a jar. I doubt that he has tens of thousands of dollars sitting in a jar in his house. He’s got to be putting it somewhere. If he isn’t saving his money in the form of physical gold and silver coins and bars, and hiding it where only Indiana Jones can get to it, then his paper money could become worthless.

We will never have a total absence of paper money. They will just stumble along for a few years, and have wars and battles over who gets to control the money system, and who gets to use the printing presses first. The particular TYPE of paper money will change, and it will get a new name, and instead of being called ‘dollars’ they’ll be called ‘Ameros’ or ‘Obamas’ or whatever, or they’ll invent some totally new thing out of nowhere. One type of paper money will become utterly worthless, and another type will be invented to patch up the collapsing system, and in a few years, the patch will get us going again, after lots and lots of suffering in the good people who actually WORK to earn their money and have lost it all.

********
(this is me talking to ‘them’ – it’s like the multiple personalities are doing an interview kind of thing)
********
If the money system cannot be trusted, as it does not reflect the true value of things, then how do you know that we are not taking too much oil and that we are nowhere near running out of oil? How do you know that we are taking only a tiny drop off the surface of all the oil there is in the world? The economic system is supposed to regulate how much oil we take. The price of oil will rise as we take too much, which causes us to respond by reducing how much we use. It remains profitable to run an oil well and to go looking for new oil. But if the prices are a lie because of the banking system and its parasitic manipulative inscrutable processes… then, how do you know –

Are you expecting something to happen suddenly, like tomorrow, all at once? All of a sudden, tomorrow, all at once, all of the oil wells will simultaneously draw their last drops of oil, without expecting it beforehand?

Is it like sucking the last soda out of the cup with the straw, and the soda makes a slurping noise in the bottom of the cup, as the bubbles go up the straw – imagine the oil wells like that. You would notice variations in pressure. You would notice that it was ‘bubbling.’ It wouldn’t literally be ‘air bubbles.’ You would notice that the pressure in the oil well was getting lower and lower. Everyone forever is going to remember this stupid soda straw analogy from now on, and you can blame it on me, but, you would notice that it was getting harder to get any oil out of the well if the pressure was declining and there wasn’t anything left down there.

Isn’t that what they are already saying is happening? That’s what all the charts are about, the ones about less oil being extracted.

Those charts don’t provide enough information about WHY less oil is being produced. There could be a million reasons why, and it isn’t necessarily because of the soda straw slurping at the bottom of the oil well.

(I will never forgive myself for the soda straw slurping analogy. This analogy will be floating around forever because of me.)

They’re expecting ‘gradual decline,’ not all at once tomorrow. The only disagreement could be about whether or not we are already past the ‘peak.’ You could argue that the ‘peak’ hasn’t occurred yet. You could argue that the earth is producing huge amounts of new oil using an unknown process. You could argue that new types of fossil fuels will become profitable eventually when they are needed.

So tell me, how do you know that we are only taking a tiny drop off the surface of all that there is and all that is currently being produced? Are you saying that the natural processes that create new oil are much faster than we thought?

How is it that we can almost completely agree about the lifestyle choices that need to be done to protect ourselves against these things, but totally disagree about the cause of the gradual decline?

Could the economy gradually decline, EVEN IF there was plenty of oil? In a world of plentiful oil, limitless oil, the economy could still be bad and they could nickel-and-dime us to death, because of the government, because of the banking system, because of the parasites. Economic declines have occurred in many times in history and have destroyed civilizations, and they were because of people messing with the money systems, and taxing their citizens to death, and having other problems in their society (I always want to point out that, supposedly, the Roman empire had water pipes made out of large amounts of lead, and I don’t want to imagine how much lead poisoning there was in their cities because of that).

It’s possible to live in a world where resources are extremely plentiful and abundant, but we still suffer a decreasing quality of life because of the economic system and the government. What little resources we get from the world, somebody takes them from us, somebody steals them parasitically, somebody does tricks on pieces of paper and in the computer systems so that large amounts of our resources are vanishing and being stolen. There’s plenty of ‘stuff’ out there in the world, but it’s being taken from one person and given to a thief. Those thieves are happily sitting around living a wealthy lifestyle while everyone else starves to death, all the other slaves. Those plentiful, abundant resources are going to the thieves, the hackers, the parasites. The system makes it possible for them to do this.

Just remember this concept: a world where resources are plentiful and abundant, but, because of the way the system works, those resources are stolen from productive people and transferred to thieves and parasites. The resources are still abundant, but the system is taking more and more of those resources away from the slaves. The system has intermittent bubbles and busts, and there are battles between the various groups of people who control the systems. The types of financial paper, and the methods of transferring money from one thief to another, are so complex and hard to understand that few people can figure out exactly what is going on and who’s doing it and where the money really is.

They just want to know the answer to the question, how do I know that we are merely taking a tiny drop off the surface of all the oil that there is – is the natural process of making new oil a faster process than we thought it was?

But this interview seems to be over. Apparently, this is something that I know nothing about.

Another marathon website visit; primitive hunting

April 23, 2011

11:22 PM 4/23/11

I did one of those marathan web page stalking sessions again. I collected some photos, but I didn’t find the particular one I was looking for, the ‘Shawshank Redemption’ pose, the one I mentioned several weeks ago (I didn’t call it that at the time when I wrote it). I said he was embracing the sky.

I also looked at his wife’s old blogs too, the ones she’s not using anymore. I would describe them both as ‘blissfully ignorant.’ They are enjoying their lives in an enviable way, but are worrying about nonexistent threats, while ignoring the real dangers to society. There really are terrible things threatening society, and peak oil is not one of them. However, he will be 100 years old and will still be claiming that we are just about to run out of oil, any day now, any second now it’s gonna happen, I swear.

My internet connection won’t be up much longer. I think it will still be several weeks, though. I got the bill, and it had the dates on it, and I forget what it said, but I got the impression that it was for sometime in May. So I won’t be able to easily and conveniently stalk him on his websites or talk to him in the forum and cause him stress and irritation there as well as I can right now.

It’s frustrating not being able to find intelligent duals. The lack of ectomorphs is a problem, too. I’m not the least bit attracted to muscular men or ‘thick’ stocky men or mesomorphs. Mainstream society claims that big muscles are better, but meanwhile, where’s an ectomorph when you need one? They are all snatched up right away, while the mesomorphs end up on dating websites unable to find anyone.

Tonight it is warm enough that I will try once again to throw away a couple of things that I wanted to throw in the dumpster last week when it got rainy and icy cold and I wasn’t willing to do it. It is still nowhere near as warm as I want it to be.

For several years, I’ve wanted to learn how to hunt using primitive weapons. I don’t want to use a gun. I was reminded of all this while looking at Rick’s hiking photos. When I think about self-reliance I remember my desire to hunt. I don’t want to use guns for several reasons. One, they are too loud, and my ears are already slightly damaged, long story, just the left one, so I don’t want to damage them anymore. I am sure guns cause hearing damage. Not only are they too loud up close, they are also too loud when you are trying to be secretive. When you shoot a gun, the whole world for miles around knows that you have shot a gun. You can’t hide the fact that you are sneaking around on somebody’s land shooting a gun. But people aren’t likely to hear you shooting a bow and arrow – they might hear something, but nothing as loud as a gun. It’s not just bows and arrows that I’m interested in. I like all primitive weapons. There are some websites where people have made primitive weapons themselves, such as atlatls and boomerangs.

Not only that, but guns and bullets are made of metal. Sometimes the bullets are made of lead, sometimes copper, and I don’t know what else. Anything made of lead is going to poison you when it merely touches your skin, so you will get poisoned just by handling the bullets. Then they go into the animal and you are eating the meat. That’s actually probably less lead exposure than you get from simply touching the bullets.

I love obsidian blades – a nonmetallic knife. Anything that’s not made of metal is interesting to me. If someone is interested in self-reliance during the collapse of society, then they want to know about how to make things using local materials. So I’m interested in blades made of stone and obsidian. That won’t be necessary, but it’s one of those things we like to do anyway, for the challenge of it. We will still be able to obtain metal. I just like to *feel* self-reliant.

I think I’m thinking about this because I’m really hungry.

I have to find a writer. He has to be either unmarried, or polygamous. He has to be able to tolerate or enjoy everything about me. If he isn’t skinny, I will find his body to be unattractive, but I might possibly surrender at the very last minute if I haven’t found anybody and I’m in the middle of menopause and haven’t had any children yet and a mesomorph is the only man I can find. It’s just that I can’t force myself to be attracted to someone when I, for whatever reasons, always have ho-hum, lukewarm feelings for them. I’m not just ‘being too picky.’ It’s a sincere, genuine lack of attraction to medium-sized men. I need to find someone with a higher than average IQ, and it might have to be pretty high, I don’t know. I only know that I don’t get much of a connection with most of the duals I have talked to, and I feel as though something is missing. Resonant belief systems: now that I have seen Rick, I have an idea what to look for, because he has almost identical ‘belief clusters’ to the ones that I have and the ones I am looking for – intentional communities, self-reliance, etc. I will recognize him more easily because of Rick.

Looking at Kim’s blogs sort of made me dislike myself, in a way. Her blogs were almost unbearably boring to read. I know mine are too.

Off the net soon. In a bit, they’ll be sending me warning letters to tell me that I haven’t paid my bill.