Archive for October, 2011

legumes cause cavities

October 31, 2011

they contain phytic acid. they are one of the bad foods you should avoid

Or an LSI. It doesn’t matter. Beta ST.

October 31, 2011

Yeah, I know, I’m not sure which beta ST she is.

The health diva is a SLE.

October 31, 2011

5:51 PM 10/31/2011

So, here is the new idea they are putting in my head. Last night, they had me watch Kim’s videos and look at her tumblr page. Her username is healthdiva on tumblr.

The more I watched her, the more and more that I felt she was very different from myself, and the more annoying I found her to be. Everything about her was wrong. The tumblr page was the last straw. It made me want to scream, every word, every joke that wasn’t funny, every ‘cute’ picture that was actually disgusting and horrible and offensive, everything, everything.

My reaction to her was about as intensely negative as my reaction to the female forum member who was originally typed as a SLI, who recently decided she was a beta ST, probably a SLE. Her style is very similar. I found that this forum member annoyed me so intensely that I absolutely could not *stand* her, and there was no particular reason why, it was everything and it was nothing, it was every word she said, it was every value she valued, every emotion she expressed, everything was wrong and intolerable. And that forum member said that Deltas made her want to scream and punch something. So the feeling is mutual.

He married a SLE, and now, something needs to be done about it. There are other problems too, very terrible things. I am going to go see him as soon as I can get my paperwork. Even if he refuses to see me, even if I can’t get him to agree to make an appointment with me, even if he has to leave the country because of his 90 day time period is up, I will still go wherever he is and I will see him. And if I can’t, I’ll just take photos of myself being there, and I’ll mail him the photos to show him that I really did it, I really went there looking for him.

She was saying that she is not happy in the marriage. Her spirit is being suppressed. This is normal for a SLE to feel. She keeps reading books and trying to reawaken her strength and her spirit, but she feels bored and stifled. All of this is normal. I saw the books she was reading and all of them were very offensive to me and I recognized them as Beta. She is reading these books to inspire herself and to try to stay alive. Everything she’s doing and saying is normal for a SLE and it resembles female SLE forum members saying exactly the same things.

She doesn’t fit in with his friends. There was this horrible photo where she said she was trying to be sociable, but she had to go against her real desire, which was to avoid this group of people, because chances are, Rick has a lot of Delta friends that his wife can’t stand to be with. Her facial expression in the photo was… crazy. The people behind her looked nice, and I thought I would like them, but her face looked like she was ‘trying too hard to have fun,’ and not having any fun at all.

I’m going to meet him. I have to get the paperwork. I tried to renew my driver’s license today, but only part of PennDOT was open, and the rest of the desks were closed, so the people who renewed licenses weren’t there.

I’m shaking my head every time I look at her tumblr page. This is not delta. This is beta.

She’s a SLE.

omg, i have to scream again

October 31, 2011


The torture starvation diet. Eat the worst possible foods you can imagine, until you nearly drop dead, at which point you are allowed to binge (no. no. no. no. no i don’t want to read this) as a ‘reward,’ I guess. THIS DIET IS INSANE

other stuff

October 31, 2011

had a fight with her husband after inhaling a lot of secondhand smoke at the cafe. Secondhand smoke causes you to go into nicotine withdrawal a few hours later, which causes people to become ‘a bit surly’ as she describes. People who crave nicotine become very irritable for no reason and are likely to have fights.

The title of the blog should be ‘Changeover: The Destruction Of A Body That Was Just Fine To Begin With.’ I am going nuts as I read about this horrible, misguided, ignorant diet that she is trying, and going nuts about the idea that ‘weight loss is healthy, weight loss is healthy, weight loss is healthy,’ AAAAAAAAAAAGGGHH!!!! No, weight loss is not healthy. Get over it. She is completely clueless and is getting terrible information from the mainstream diet sources.

young people don’t know anything, and neither did I when I was that age.

October 31, 2011

Well, I went and looked at some more of her blogs again. She’s 23 or 24 now if I understand correctly. She is trying out horrible diets, the worst of the worst, trying to ‘lose weight’ as the goal of dieting, the misguided belief that ‘weight loss is good for you…’ She looked *so* much better *before* she lost the weight. In the ‘after’ video she looked sick and unhealthy, and looked a lot more like *me*. Her face was drawn and thin and all the life had gone out of it, like a cancer patient. Her diets are absolutely the worst diets she could possibly be doing.

She mentioned that she had allergies; she also mentioned that she likes to burn candles. Burning candles is bad for you, and it can worsen allergies and it can also cause heart problems, the same way that the air pollution in the city can cause heart problems. Basically, you’re inhaling smoke all the time, and you inhale those particles into your nose, throat, lungs, and then, it gets into your bloodstream somehow, if I understand correctly – I haven’t read about it in a long time, but if I recall, when you inhale smoke into your lungs, some of the smallest particles are able to penetrate into the blood vessels.

She has cervical dysplasia. … Oh my god, I was right. When I read that it was ‘precancerous cell changes,’ or whatever, my first thought was ‘genital warts virus.’ And I’m reading about it, and, yep, that’s it. The genital warts virus is temporary – after a few years, the body is able to fight it off, from what I recall. Well, I thought that *I* was rejectable because I have herpes.

Now I understand the reason why ‘they’ have been so pushy in urging me to keep talking to him over and over again about having children. I’m imagining that if she develops cancer, they will, of course, remove some important parts of her body, which is their default response anytime anything bad happens. Just chop something off and throw it in the garbage – it’s useless. They will tell her a bunch of lies. They won’t tell her any other options. She’s young and clueless, and this is her first time for having a chronic health problem. I’ve had health problems for years and I’ve had enough experience to know that doctors are extremely hazardous to your health, and the best thing you can possibly do for your health is to stay away from doctors.

So she’ll do what the doctors tell her to do, thinking ‘OH MY GOD! IF I DON’T CHOP OFF MY ENTIRE UTERUS I’M GONNA DIE TOMORROW!’ which is what the doctors will tell her.


October 30, 2011

How long will I be forced to have this horrible delusion? I know that none of this is my own idea. Every bit of it is being forced into my mind 24 hours a day. They are forcing me to believe things that are not at all true and forcing me to want to do things that I know perfectly well I don’t want to do, things that will not benefit me at all. I am sick of being forced to believe lies, constantly.

empty forests? and living without money

October 30, 2011

4:36 PM 10/30/2011

I’m thinking about the forest, around here. The protected forest – I can’t remember the name of it – Rockview State Forest, that’s it. When I drive through there, and when I’ve taken walks in or around those areas, I never see any animals, any insects, or any birds. The forests are completely empty and lifeless. The only place that has any animal life is around the edges of human habitations.

I’m trying to figure out why. I’ve wondered if they are killing everything whenever they spray the gypsy moth spray. The gypsy moth spray is supposed to be harmless, but I know that it is not, and there is no such thing as ‘harmless’ whenever you spray something that’s designed to kill an entire species of living creature.

I’m just thinking about how people go hunting. You’d have to wander continuously from place to place in order to avoid killing all of the animals in a particular area, and give them a year to be reborn. In Africa there are huge herds of grazing animals, and we would have buffalo here too except that all of the land is fenced in, and there are no corridors. (I have a feeling that this is probably meant to be a demonstration of what an environmentalist I really am deep down, or something).

I’m also thinking about ‘extreme homelessness.’ I wouldn’t mind being homeless all year long, even in the winter. I’m thinking that I might possibly build a little cave out of rectangular straw bales. They would keep the heat in.

This is because I need to know what kind of useful contribution that I have for Rick. For many years now, I’ve been interested in things like hunting and foraging. I’ve never hunted and I’ve never killed anything, but I know that I could do it. I’ve done a little bit of research about eating wild plants. I have enough experience to recognize symptoms of poisoning. There is a ‘universal edibility test’ which describes placing the plant parts against the skin and leaving it there to see if it causes any reaction. This can also inform you if the plant has any transdermal poisons which will cause symptoms after they go through the skin and into the bloodstream – not just a local irritation on the surface of the skin.

So my contribution would be to know about the useful and edible plants and animals in an area, and also to know about the diseases there, and I imagine I would bring along some kind of weapon for hunting. Hunting would cause me to wander far away from the path, and so I would not do it unless I had to, or unless there was an opportunity.

I don’t like guns. I like primitive weapons like bows and arrows. There are a few reasons why I don’t like guns. First, they are too noisy and they cause hearing damage. Second, everyone for miles around knows that you are shooting something, so you can’t quietly sneak around hunting near anyone’s houses. Third, they’re made of metal, and they have to be made in a factory, and they’re hard to make all by yourself if you are in an isolated situation – you have to go shopping, and you have to earn dollars, in order to buy a gun.

I’m also thinking of this in terms of ‘How To Live Without Money.’ As in, to survive without earning, or spending, any money at all.

silly reconstructed scenario; and evidence for a theory

October 29, 2011

This is the timeline of my re-construction of the incident. 95% of this is imaginary, and 5% of it is the actual stuff that happened. So it’s sort of a joke or something, for my own entertainment.

Unknown person posts comment in another thread. I get an email because I am subscribed to that thread because that’s a thread where I made one of the ‘troll’ comments where I made fun of his charts and graphs.

I answered the guy’s comment.

He answers back. I notice emotional response.

This is where I am sort of joking:

confusion: you’re not supposed to be talking to me, but, okay. you’re Rick’s pet SLI that’s been snuggling with him in his blog. you’re not supposed to be talking to me.

faux pas: I walked in on you guys while you were dualizing.

shame: SLI had somewhat defended Rick’s position against intruder, intruder feels inferior or outsider or something, feels ganged up on.

SLI senses emotion with her Fi-seeking antenna.

Rick intervenes. strong reaction, ‘you did NOT say that,’ very inappropriate behavior, SLI feels hurt, stung, wants to cry.

Rick fears SLI will leave and not come back. SLI mistakenly perceives this projected feeling as a command for her to go away and never come back, instead of a fear that she would do so on her own.

SLI notices her own comment and also Rick’s reply to her were deleted by Rick.

This reminds me of ‘the lady doth protest too much’ or something similar to that – not quite the right phrase – and is incriminating evidence against Rick’s ‘indifference.’

SLI mistypes intruder as EII. this is her brain’s twisted way of saying ‘he’s not my dual,’ even though, socionically, he probably is an IEE.

SLI resolves to write again. masterpiece of Fi-seeking observations, it seems like this, it looks like that, this is the idea behind it, etc, etc. Masterpiece completed.

Masterpiece vanishes. No response from either Rick or intruder.

SLI ‘hears voices’ during the daytime while at work, pointing out that the EII is probably an IEE.

Two-dimensional experience-and-norms Fi wonders which ‘rule’ was broken to get the comment deleted. comment was mostly on-topic and, in fact, insightful and valuable. why did blog author not like SLI’s comments being there?

SLI concludes that ‘blog author is her only dual – no talking to other duals’ might be the rule. this is her favorite out of all the suspected rules that she used to explain it.

SLI writes to blog author asking which rule was broken.

The reason why I made a semi-joking reconstruction was because I sensed intense feelings from two different people at once, and did not know whose feeling was whose, or why they were feeling it. So I invented a scenario where it explained why someone felt like there was a ‘faux pas’ of some kind, why someone felt like an outsider, why someone felt as though I (Nicole) was going to ‘go away and never come back,’ why someone felt ashamed or inferior, etc. However, it could just as easily be reconstructed in a way where all of the feelings came from Rick – it was just more entertaining to write one where the other guy accidentally ‘walked in on them while they were dualizing’ and to write about how he was surprised when I started talking to him when I wasn’t supposed to.

I’ve kept hearing the voices saying he married his semi-dual. I remember I reacted badly to her when I read her blogs and web pages, and I called her insulting names, for instance, a ‘moron.’

The evidence in favor of SEI – it’s too much to go into right now, because I need to change out of my work clothes and get on something warm, since I’m sitting in my car and the snowstorm has been going over us and I’m cold. The snow isn’t sticking on the roads very badly.

My goal is to avoid accidentally getting killed before I get a chance to see Rick in person. So I will drive safely on the roads. I always do, but I will drive even more safely. ‘Don’t die’ is the new rule.

I just remember thinking that she was really, really good at cooking food in such a way that it looked aesthetically beautiful, and that this was something that I myself could not do, except it wasn’t because I *couldn’t* do that, it was because I did not care to. she also talked about self-indulgent sensing, which annoyed me, enjoying sensory experiences for their own sake, when I myself don’t ever do the ‘indulging’ type of behavior or attitude. she said words like ‘poopy’ (which probably came from the local area where she lived) when her computer was causing problems and Rick was annoyed about working on it for hours, and she said ‘I feel so poopy about my dumb computer,’ and I remember I complained about her saying that, over and over again, and I found it intolerably annoying, and felt that it was something I myself would never say or do. If I had been in that situation, I wouldn’t have been sitting around ‘feeling poopy.’ I would have been working on the computer myself trying to fix what was wrong. I also made fun of her for saying that she and Rick were joking about giving her a ‘chocolate IV drip’ or something like that, just hooking up a line with chocolate directly into her vein, because it reminded me of the ‘self-indulgent’ attitude again. I read everything of hers that I could find and I made fun of her, called her names, said she was stupid, and so on.

Then Rick said he was concerned about the way that I seemed to be hating him and his wife. And that was when I started trying to make some arrangement where he would ignore me in emails because I was going to keep trying to talk to him, and I told him to ignore me in the forum too. I was having a manic attack at the time and could not explain to him what it was.

I just remember that over the past few days ‘the voices’ were slowly and carefully going over each piece of evidence that suggested she was using Alpha sensus instead of Delta sensus, Alpha factor instead of Delta factor, and that she wasn’t using Profiteor but was instead using negative Emoveo, trying to stifle negative emotions and only express positive ones, the Alpha way. I don’t know if any of the evidence is real. It was just something ‘they’ were going over while I was hearing them in my mind. I thought that the theory sounded quite plausible.

Then, they said that he married her knowingly. I recall that he said – well, I won’t get into what he said.

I’ll be working tomorrow. Over the next couple days, I will need to get more warm clothes and blankets.

yeah, that’s an activator for sure

October 28, 2011

and I wrote my comment, which was less than one text-input box long, and I used the ‘I’ pronoun anyway.


October 28, 2011

Wow, we even went so far as to delete me. Now I *definitely* need to fix it.

on reread

October 28, 2011

it looks like that feeling came from both of them, not just Rick, and that the other guy might possibly be an EII. While I’m rereading this, I can see sort of a confusion or something in the other guy’s writing in response to what I said. It was like somebody somewhere committed a faux pas but it might not necessarily have been me. Or somebody somewhere had a strong negative emotion of shame or something but it might not have been me. I would have to reconcile the other guy’s perspective then. Something needs to be fixed or smoothed over so that it makes sense. It was actually an interesting and insightful thing that he had observed, but it also seemed to be wrong, but no less insightful for having been wrong.

not I

October 28, 2011

I said something he didn’t like. ‘They’ gave me this idea, as always. But I’m not going to try to explain that it wasn’t my idea. I will just try to fix it. My challenge is to write a couple of paragraphs without using the ‘I’ pronoun, because it’s going to be impersonal. He had a negative emotional reaction and spoke back to me in a tone that hurt me and made me want to cry, which tells me that I said something that hurt him.

I mistakenly thought someone was replying in my ‘inappropriate comments’ thread, but it was a different one.

The tone of the incident was ‘I can’t believe you said that,’ and ‘You are an outsider,’ and ‘You are not good enough.’ There was the feeling that I should just go away and stay out of that situation, the feeling that I was socially inferior. And it was an intense feeling, not just a little bit, but a *lot* of social inferiority and outsiderness. Like a major faux pas.

I had commented something about climate change scientists, which, again, had been from ‘their’ urging me to say it. I come from a background where we are part of an anti-environmentalism backlash, and I tend to disbelieve environmentalists and anyone associated with them. Again, it wasn’t my idea to say this, but I can’t control the things that they force me to say whenever I’m still reacting to the drug residues, and apparently they don’t want me to get this cleaned off me because it makes me so suggestible and they want me to be suggestible. I’d go back to sanity and I wouldn’t do this anymore.

So I have to write an impersonal couple of paragraphs without using the word ‘I.’

blah blah blah, snow, ice, trees, leaves, branches, frost, winds, rain

October 28, 2011

6:17 PM 10/28/2011

I’m at work right now, writing on my break.

Last night, it frosted. That’s the first time it has really frosted since I’ve been in my car. I think it got pretty close to frost one night, but didn’t get all the way there. This morning I woke up with ice on the windows.

I actually felt like it was nothing. I’ve slept out in the bittermost cold in the midwinter a couple years ago. I’ve told the story before. The black mold in the other apartment got extremely bad whenever it was bitter cold outside, and so, when the temperature dropped into the teens, I felt like I was going to *die* when I tried to sleep in the apartment, and I didn’t know what the poisonous fumes were until later. I just knew there was something horribly toxic in the air making me pass out.

So I got a couple sleeping bags and I slept with like three layers of clothes on. The only thing cold was my nose. I would have been warmer, except I had to keep the window open a tiny crack or else I would fill up the car with carbon dioxide and start to panic in the middle of the night after only a short time.

Last night was easier than that. I already had two sleeping bags one inside the other, but I was starting to shiver a little bit with that. So I got out the extra sleeping bag and put it over top of me like a blanket above the double sleeping bags. So I had three blankets on. As soon as I did that, I was instantly warm, and even though my nose was cold at first, even my nose became warm as the rest of my body was warm. I just had to get it into a good position.

I don’t want to stop living in my car yet. Some people are worried about me, and they’ve mentioned that it’s getting cold out now.

There’s going to be a big snowstorm this weekend. I already have some ideas about where I will go and what I will do. For some reason, this is not that hard for me. People think it would be absolutely awful, but it isn’t. (What *is* awful is working hundreds and thousands of hours to pay the rent. That’s harder.) The leaves are still on the trees, and they’re saying that the wet snow will stick to the tree leaves, causing a lot of branches to break, while at the same time, there will be strong winds, causing even more branches to break. Evolution: Leaves fall off so that snow won’t break the branches. Pine needles are too skinny to collect snow, so they don’t fall off. That’s really neat. But then again, pine trees do sometimes collect enough snow to break the branches. But if they’re triangular, the snow can slide downward along the outside of the cone shape.

I’m thinking about work. I want to earn more money so that I can finish a couple of goals that I’m trying to finish. ‘They’ won’t let me think about my future in the way that I need to think about it, so I can’t make plans or decisions or figure out what I want.

I’d love to fly over to visit Rick, but I think he would reconsider inviting me to meet him after having interacted with me so many times and getting annoyed with me. I’m not ready to start having his children yet. Perhaps after a while I’ll get tired of the whole idea, or I’ll get a crush on somebody who lives closer to me. But ‘they’ keep giving me ideas and beliefs about him, and so long as they keep putting these ideas in my head, I won’t be able to let go of him.

an intruder

October 28, 2011

Uh-oh, I have to go hunt for some other post on Rick’s blog for me to put my inappropriate comments on. If I put comments into a post where other people have commented, they will get emails every time I comment. I’ll have to go find one with zero replies. It’ll probably be some random one in the past.

bad hats

October 28, 2011

9:30 AM 10/28/2011

‘Kevan, and you’ is what the voices said this morning, and something about kayaking. I don’t know how to spell what sounded like ‘Kevan.’ The emphasis was on the second syllable. Apparently they were saying that there were only two SLIs who were viewed as highly compatible, if I understood correctly.

My speaking style is totally different from my writing style – I sound ordinary when I speak. I would not appear to be anything unusual unless I were writing.

‘They’ keep urging me to keep talking to Rick. Apparently I am not completely abandoning him all of a sudden. I don’t know whether they are going to make/allow me to look for people locally. They keep giving me these beliefs about Rick, and I wrote down a bunch of the beliefs when I was at work last night, during a period when we were slow.

The one guy who I was very annoyed about, the one I wrote about yesterday, could have possibly been a mistyped ENFJ instead of an ENFP. He was military-valuing and baseball-valuing, in addition to baldness-valuing. He proudly told me about how his son was learning to play baseball and how he wanted to become a professional baseball player someday. If you like mainstream American team sports on television, you are in the wrong universe no matter what type you are. He told me he had been seeing another woman who was in the military. I get suspicious at hearing of anyone in the military, after my extremely negative reaction to the one girl in the forum who eventually concluded that she was actually a Beta ST, not a Delta ST, and for whatever mysterious reason, I absolutely couldn’t stand her. She was in the military too. I know that Delta STs are capable of going into the military. But if you like the military, you are in the wrong universe no matter what quadra you’re in. So he was baldness-valuing, military-valuing, and baseball-valuing, and in addition to that, he had a hard time understanding me when I was trying to explain something to him when we were talking on the phone.

Extreme loathing of professional team sports played on television. If you like team sports, then I will tend to react badly to you, even if I like other things about you. I’ve never seen Rick wearing a baseball cap, thank god, and if you wear a baseball cap, I will react badly to you. There is no article of clothing in mainstream American culture that I loathe more than the baseball cap. You can wear anything, anything but that. You can even wear a cowboy hat. A cowboy hat at least is clearly intended to serve a purpose. It really is meant to block the sun. People use baseball hats to block the sun, too… but I hate them. Wear a cowboy hat. And I don’t care if you’re walking around in Pennsylvania wearing a cowboy hat when nobody else is wearing them. They’re better than baseball hats. Or wear an Amish straw hat. No joke. Amish straw hats are great. Or the Amish black hats. I don’t mind those mafia hats, what are they called? Those fedoras – those are okay. I don’t know if they have enough of a brim to block the sun. Technically, I hate all hats, but some are worse than others. I like furry hats. If your hat is made of fur, then you are at the top level of hat-wearing, the best of all possible hats. Amish straw hats are probably up among the best.

I haven’t eaten breakfast yet. It’s sitting right here but I felt that I needed to write more than I needed to eat.

Anyway, the guy might possibly have been a mistyped conflictor, but not necessarily. He could have been an ENFP and still liked all those things.

I can’t explain why it’s so bad to like the mainstream professional team sports on TV. But it drastically chops down your ‘score’ whenever I am responding to you. It implies that you watch a lot of TV, avidly, and that’s probably one thing I don’t like about it. It also implies Fe-valuing: you like to scream loudly together as a group with a bunch of other people.

The voices keep telling me that Rick accidentally married a semi-dual, but then, he didn’t really – she’s a SLI, just different. I don’t know how much of that is real. I keep hearing ‘them’ telling me about all these doubts going through his mind, but I don’t know if that is actually happening or not.

He would have to find out that my real-world speaking style is not all that amazing. I have some writing ability, and a high IQ and other talents like music, but in person I do not actually say anything all that amazing or insightful.

Anyway they won’t let me just drop the subject of Rick and go looking for someone nearby. And I have no way to verify whether any of the ideas that they keep putting into my head are true. There is no way I can protect myself against them.

i heard his voice in a dream

October 27, 2011

1:11 PM 10/27/2011

I had a dream that Rick called me on the phone. This is because ‘they’ forced me to suddenly give him my phone number in the middle of the night. In the dream, I could hear his voice, and he had a very pleasant voice, and I suddenly recognized him. He was the same as a guy named Kent who I had worked with at Jostens when I was with the temp agency. He was also just like my American Literature teacher in college. I already knew that, but I had forgotten about Kent.

I heard him saying something, and it sounded like he was counting, in a foreign language. I thought it was French, but that’s probably not what it was. He was counting to ten. It was almost like the way they tell you to count to ten when you’re angry. Maybe he wasn’t counting to ten, maybe he was reading the phone number. That’s all I heard, and it got cut off or was too quiet for me to hear, and I couldn’t understand what he was saying.

I washed off a minute ago, but it wasn’t well enough. I have to go to the creek. As long as it’s above freezing outside, I can do it, it’s just very unpleasant. I also have to get clean pants to wear. The pants are affected the most because they were touching the car seat in the area where the vinyl had ripped. I will now have to go to work in a state of uncomfortable mania and I will probably become irritable.

‘They’ were saying that I seemed like a sociopath. But that is not what I am. I am the victim of a crime, and that is why I do the things that I do. I am a puppet.

Rick didn’t respond to the last couple of comments I wrote to him.

In a couple of days, will I still have the resolve to put up these ads and go through this horrible process again? Each person, unknowing, ignorant, having no idea what to expect from me, and I have to tell them the horrors of my life. I have to tell them these things that they don’t want to know about. I have to get the right response from them. I have to get someone who can talk the right way. If they give me particular responses then they are immediately ruled out as unacceptable.

For instance I remember the one guy. This guy was older than I am, but I was talking to him and seeing how well we got along. We were talking about my hair. He asked me – this makes me angry, just thinking about it – if I would cut off all my hair in exchange for him growing his hair long. He doesn’t understand why I grow my hair long. I had been explaining it to him. I’m not growing it for the purpose of having somebody cut it off for me. I’m growing it long and plan to grow it even longer. He said that a shaved head on a woman was ‘maximally sexual.’ I find this disgusting and annoying and it immediately ruled him out as being incompatible with my values. But I had told him that I like long hair on men, and so he was ‘offering’ to grow his hair long ‘in exchange’ for me cutting mine off, as though I didn’t care about my own hair, but was merely growing my hair to please the men, and since he was displeased by it, then it would be nothing for me to just cut it off. He was in a totally different universe and totally clueless, and there would be no way for us to reconcile our aesthetic and sexual values.

I’m trying to verbalize why this annoyed me and angered me so badly. It’s true that I’m in an irritable mood because of the reaction I’m having, but somehow, this incident annoyed me very much even at the time when it happened. And I can’t explain why it’s so bad. This is the kind of thing I encounter when I interact with people who don’t understand me. Their lack of understanding is so extreme, so different, so much in conflict with all of my life and all of my values, that I can’t stand to be with them at all. Rick’s blog is talking about how socionics is sort of not specific enough, in a way, and can’t explain why you are incompatible with a large number of your duals. This guy’s sexual values were so much against my own and so offensive to me in so many ways (not just about haircutting but about other things and in other ways as well) that I wanted to say ‘You’re not even in the same quadra that I’m in.’

Well, I have to get ready for work, and right now, that’s the last place I want to be. What I really want right now is to get myself completely cleaned off so that I can stop having this goddamned reaction.

I’d apologize to Rick for my bothering him, but he doesn’t want to hear me.

‘they’ suddenly decided that now was the time

October 27, 2011

12:10 PM 10/27/2011

So, I had been wondering when they would suddenly divert me away from Rick and into some other project, and apparently, it was today.

I’m having a reaction to the car seat, which needs to have its vinyl cover fixed, because it had ripped open enough that I was touching the fabric underneath, and I taped it shut again, but there is enough residue on the area that I was still reacting to it, so I put cardboard over top of it temporarily until I can put more vinyl on it.

And all of a sudden, spontaneously, this morning, they ‘suddenly decided’ that ‘now was the time’ for me to print out paper advertisements which I will post on bulletin boards around the local area.

What am I doing differently this time?

Last time I did an ENFP advertisement, it was on Craigslist. That attracted many people who lived too far away, people who were inconvenient to see in person, because the Craigslist readers do not necessarily live in State College even though they are reading the State College Craigslist.

So this time the ad is on paper and I will put it up in State College and at the university. The people who read the ad will be much more likely to live close by, to have an apartment nearby, or to be on campus.

Also, last time I made the ad, I did not require them to be absolutely drug-free, and as a result, the one guy who I liked the most out of all the people who responded turned out to be someone who was using, or had recently used in the past, about a dozen different psychiatric drugs.

The drug residue was all over him, and after I hugged him, I went into benzodiazepine withdrawal a few hours later and I was shaking, trembling, terrified, kneeling on the floor of the bathroom in front of the toilet trying not to vomit, convulsing, flapping my hands and arms rhythmically, whimpering, crying, howling, panting, almost passing out, and feeling somehow ‘wrong’ as though I was going to die or I wanted to die.

Am I exaggerating? No, I am not exaggerating at all. That is how I react to the residues of drugs that other people have used. The drugs are on their skin, and they go through my skin. What I described is exactly what happened.

I had to sit in the shower with the hot water running for a long time in the middle of the night.

So this time I specified very clearly that they must not use drugs and must not have used them in the recent past. Perhaps that is not strong enough of a warning, because ‘recent’ is untrue. They could have used drugs several years ago and the residues will still be on all of their belongings. I specified that ‘drugs’ didn’t just mean illegal drugs, it also meant prescription drugs.

I then described some of the attributes of the ENFP/IEE type, and I also listed some of the topics that they were likely to be interested in.

So apparently I was being forced to try to communicate with Rick as a ‘test’ to find out what I would sacrifice and what was the most important value to me and what extremes I was willing to go to in order to follow this person wherever he would go.

I haven’t put up the ads yet. I need to get pushpins. I probably won’t do it on a day when I’m working, so it will be a few more days, not till Monday at least, because it will involve driving around in my car to a bunch of places, deciding where to go, and walking around the college campus, which takes a long time and is overwhelming. Last time I walked on the campus I felt overwhelmed by all the different places I could go. I actually discovered ‘too many’ bulletin boards in too many different buildings, and had a desire to focus in a specific building instead of putting them up at random, and I kept feeling as though I would go into the ‘wrong’ building while overlooking the ‘right’ building. The ‘right’ building would be the place where the classrooms were located that were in this person’s areas of interest. And I don’t know which building is which, and I hate looking through their website – I *HATE* looking through their website for anything at all – it’s HUGE. So it’s hard for me to walk around on campus and I tend to get demoralized and exhausted.

But that project will wait a couple more days.

I am not feeling much of anything right now – I am numb because of the residue reaction. I cannot feel sad or happy or anything. The drug-induced numbness is probably the reason why I am able to do this task of writing the ad and making the copies of it.

I will need to get more vinyl for the seat, and I also need some clean clothes, to stop the reaction. It’s not comfortable to sit on a cardboard-covered car seat and it’s also not comfortable to sleep on it, either.

I will have to find someone who will tolerate my extremes of strangeness. They will have to tolerate my inconsistent behavior, my changes of mood from day to day, the drastic differences in my intellectual abilities, and all of the other things that are strange about me. Bombarding Rick’s blog showed the drastic extremes of my weird moods, as my writing style changed from day to day. They will have to tolerate everything else, such as my grooming habits and my unusual beliefs. They will have to be willing to raise children with me.

I’m not looking forward to this. As soon as I clean this stuff off me and I go back to a normal mood, I will start to feel dread and anxiety and sickness again. I always become sick and miserable at the mere thought of hunting for a guy. I *hate* it. I’ve described it as a process of grueling torture. I hate emailing people, getting to know them, meeting them, confessing my horrible secrets to them, finding out that they can’t respond the right way, that they can’t speak the right way, that they’re not intelligent enough, over and over and over again, that they’re mainstream and they value mainstream American culture, that they don’t understand why anybody would ever do anything differently, that they don’t like my observations and my knowledge, that everything is wrong about them, that they can’t even understand what I’m saying. I hate this process. whenever I can feel again, I know that I will feel sick at the thought of it.

he doesn’t want anything to do with this

October 26, 2011

4:15 PM 10/26/2011

I was going to go online and look for the work shoes that I need to order.

I am back to drinking coffee today, and as always, once I start drinking it, I drink a lot of it.

I do not want to hurt Rick or humiliate him, and I fear that I am doing that. I called myself a ‘troll,’ which implies that I am just fooling around and trying to get a reaction out of him. But in reality I very much enjoy interacting with him and I would interact with him as often as I could, if I could.

What is my esoteric knowledge? There are a couple of things that I know that other people don’t know.

1. drug residues
2. mind control

Those are the main areas of knowledge that I have that other people do not know very well. I also know about the Weston Price diet, but a lot of other people know about that. A lot of people know about mind control, but for some reason, most of the authors who write about it are writing in a bad writing style that I can’t stand to read. So, I ‘know about’ mind control in a different way than other authors do. It is very, very hard to find any high-quality writings on mind control on the net. So even though this is well known by many people, apparently my way of looking at it and understanding it is different from other people’s.

Drug residues – I haven’t seen anyone writing anything exactly like this anywhere else. I have seen a few things which are vaguely similar.

Let’s imagine that my esoteric knowledge is not viewed as useful or valuable to anybody at all.

I’m thinking about the non-uniqueness of people. Whenever you learn that people have ‘types,’ you can feel as though you are no longer unique. Whenever I compared Rick’s writing style to Nathaniel Branden’s (who I typed as EII, his mirror), I started thinking about the non-uniqueness of people.

I also got ‘urged’ to google some things about training the will, and I found some authors whose writing style I liked. Why wouldn’t I just google a bunch of things that might lead me to other male IEEs, and find good authors, and find one who wasn’t married, and whose writing style I really loved, and go try to marry that person?

I don’t know the answer to that question.

Why would I want to continue being bonded with Rick, if Rick is not unique? If I can just go out and find other people who are like him, why would I insist that he, specifically, is the person I want to be with?

First, all of this is the result of being forced by ‘them’ to do things. I googled the word ‘socionics,’ months ago, because ‘they’ urged me to google that word. I had seen it mentioned in an MBTI forum, but I wasn’t interested in it. Whenever I googled it and started reading about it, that’s when I found out that the ENFP was my dual, and I realized that this theory is likely to be true. Then I discovered that I liked Rick’s page the best out of all the pages. Then ‘they’ controlled me and made me start chasing after him and trying to interact with him. I didn’t do that of my own free will. I did it because they forced me to do it.

I have reason to believe that this all began several years ago. During the time period whenever I was interacting with Martin, and blogging about it, in 2008 I guess, I started getting bombarded with new voices, a new attack, a new theme in the things that the voices were saying. During that time period, the voices started saying things which I only understood whenever I read Rick’s web page about Ukraine. This would have been referring to Kim as she reacted to Ukraine’s culture and adjusted to living over there, because she was marrying him in 2008 during the time when I started hearing these voices.

The voices said things which were annoying and meaningless and disgusting. They always said things in a repetitive way, bombarding me with voices over and over again.

I did not write about specifically what the voices were saying during that time period. It was too disgusting, petty, and annoying, and I didn’t want to talk about it.

They said things like ‘It’s okay not to use toilet paper,’ and ‘Smells like poop,’ and ‘You smell like poop’ over and over and over and over again, in my head. These phrases were associated with feelings of anxiety about not wiping when you went to the bathroom. I got very angry because I did not want to be bombarded with voices saying these disgusting and annoying things, over and over and over again. Then ‘they’ tried to convince me to stop using toilet paper, voluntarily, just because. I didn’t stop using it. However, I have done other things, other changes in my grooming habits, and I no longer do many of the things that most Americans do, such as washing my hair.

Then, not too long ago, I read his Ukraine web page, and he mentioned some of the difficulties of moving to Ukraine. Their country defaulted on their debts, if I understand correctly – I was reading about this elsewhere, not on his blog, while trying to understand which countries were in debt and who had defaulted – and now their public facilities are pretty much bankrupt, and so, in many places, they don’t maintain the infrastructure, and you can go into public bathrooms and there’s no toilet paper and no running water and things like that.

So, it seems that several years ago, when Kim married Rick and moved out to Ukraine, I was being bombarded with some of the stressful things she was experiencing while she adjusted to the life there. And ‘they’ tried to make me voluntarily change my own grooming habits to match the way they were over there.

When I saw ‘The Adjustment Bureau,’ I recognized something. There was one person who was supposed to be the other person’s soul mate, but instead, somebody got substituted and the ‘real’ soulmate was pushed away and made to go down a different life pathway. That reminds me of this situation. It was as though ‘they’ were angry with me for failing to find Rick soon enough and failing to get with him, when they had wanted me to, and whenever he married someone else ‘they’ continued bombarding me with a connection to him, even though I didn’t understand where this was coming from or what it meant at the time. It was just meaningless and extremely annoying. I remember that I hated the ‘baby voice’ talking about ‘poop.’

Naturally, I am going to hate anything and anyone that gets blasted into my brain 24 hours a day, regardless of what they are talking about.

Do I personally believe that ‘Rick is my real soulmate and I was meant to be with him?’ No, I do not believe the things that ‘they’ believe. I do not believe that an artificial arrangement that they tried to force me into is my ‘true fate.’ My true fate is whatever I would have done if there were no such thing as electronic mind control and if I myself were not a victim of it. And I can make that even more general and say that my true fate is whatever I would have done if nobody else on earth was being controlled, either.

However, now that we are being controlled, that is part of the fate.

Mind control itself is part of the fate. What do we do about it? You would say that you yourself were fated to become a mind control victim.

It is the fate, and if you accepted that, if you accepted that mind control exists in the past, the present, and the future, that it is the fate of mankind to discover this technology and to use it against human beings –

It is not only in the future. It is already here and already happening and has been happening for quite some time now.

I choose life. I always remind my readers that I have chosen to live in spite of this knowledge. People become terrified and helpless whenever they try to accept that mind control is real. My fate is: to live, and to do something about it, however small that might be.

What is in society’s future?

I have chosen a grim survival with this knowledge, with this isolation, with my differentness from other people and from my society.

There are technological solutions needed. We need to develop equipment that can detect the attacks and determine where the attacks are coming from. There is nothing in principle that prevents us from developing this equipment. It is only a matter of somebody somewhere choosing to do it.

We also need effective shielding materials to provide protection for victims in their homes. People need a ‘safe zone’ that they can retreat into. Even if they cannot block the attacks constantly as they move around out in the world, they need to have at least one small safe zone that they can retreat into so that they can think and rest.

The shields and detectors must be put up for sale. They must be a reasonable price, unlike, for instance, the SCIF shield, which I researched a few years ago, which was like $40,000 at the time, and which has probably gone up in price since then, with inflation. That is sold to government agents, of course, and it’s not meant to be sold at a reasonable price to the general public.

What will be needed at the social level? This technology has an impact on society, on the entire world, on the entire future. That is where I would like to see the input of -Ne. Someone with strong -Ne is able to use his imagination to see the consequences of an idea even if he hasn’t personally experienced it, although of course his responses will be more specific if he has personal experience with something. He is able to quickly tell me the problems and difficulties of moving to a foreign country, because he’s experienced that. But if he tells me the negative impact of electronic mind control on society, his responses will be more general due to lack of knowledge about the subject, and lack of interest in it. And also due to a general dislike of people using force to hurt and control other people, which is the same reason why I myself don’t know much about this subject. I don’t know about it, because I don’t *want* to know about it. But it happened to me, and I can’t avoid it now.

Why not allow me to just look for people locally? Why force me to go after someone who lives far away, someone who doesn’t want to be with me? Why not allow me to meet with people here, locally, and talk to them about all this, and meet someone and fall in love here? Why does it have to be him? He doesn’t want anything to do with this.

so, this isn’t exactly like pushing a button and getting what I want

October 26, 2011

By the way, I usually assume that Rick isn’t reading anything that I write. If I ever make fun of him here, perhaps that is my sick way of finding out whether he reads it and whether he cares about what I say. The other day I had said I was able to get long letters from him just by writing to him at all. However, he doesn’t necessarily always want to give me long letters on demand.