Archive for March, 2013

The snow that never ends; Silver Linings Playbook could have been about my life; a complaint about synthetic chemicals in ‘Naked’ Juice; nominal aphasia and mind control phenomena; questioning my dietary religions and trying some old familiar fruits after not eating them for a while

March 25, 2013

12:25 PM 3/25/2013

I’m in my tent, waiting for the snow to start ‘tapering off,’ as the weather people said it would sometime today. Their choice of phrase influences how I interpret what’s happening. No matter how hard it’s snowing, I’m still thinking in my head that it’s ‘eventually tapering off today.’

I was sitting in the library lobby (in between the outside doors and the inside doors) and I heard a guy who was obviously a SLE personality type, because he started talking in a uniquely recognizable way that only a SLE would talk – I’ve heard them many times before. (Uh-oh, I should give the socionic disclaimer: if I ever guess someone’s type, I’ll change my mind about it after I post the blog – I will start hearing voices telling me I was wrong and it was some other type). Oddly enough, it made me like him. I had this urge to invite him to be my friend somehow. It should have scared me, but it didn’t. He was talking on his phone, I guess, doing some kind of podcast or recording or something – he wasn’t talking directly to another person. He was complaining loudly and angrily because the weather report was wrong, or something. He said that the weather people had said the snow was supposed to ‘skirt through’ State College. He complained about the grammar: ‘You don’t “skirt through” something, you “skirt around” something,’ he said. The whole spiel was filled with profanity every few words – that cocksucker did this, that cocksucker did that, and so on. He seemed to put a lot of faith in the weather report and almost took it personally, as though someone was manipulating the weather on purpose. And there are indeed people out there who believe the weather is being manipulated. That’s why I was able to relate to him – he seemed like a typical ‘conspiracy theorist’ who felt as though people out there were attacking him and manipulating things somehow, and I know how that feels. He seemed to interpret the weather report as being very important and significant. (Note, this was referring to a different snowstorm several days ago, not this one. Nobody said anything about THIS one skirting around us… and it’s still snowing as I make this edit, at 10:23 PM, many hours later.)

I am noticing the weather a lot now because I am impatiently waiting to do some outdoor work, but can’t do it when it’s cold and snowy. I just don’t have the physical stamina or whatever is needed to do that. If my life absolutely depended on it, yeah, I could. Anyway I’ve seen some maps showing that last winter it was warmer than average for a very large region, the entire eastern United States, but this winter, it’s colder than average for a lot of areas, although some areas are warmer than average. Comparing something to an average is kind of meaningless, but still, it gives people at least a vague idea of a comparison. So I don’t usually complain about the weather, but this spring, I’ve been complaining a lot, posting things on facebook and stuff. And apparently everyone else is noticing it too, because other people are saying similar things and making jokes about it.

So while it’s continuing to snow just as hard as it was snowing a few hours ago, quite a lot, I’m thinking to myself that it doesn’t seem to be ‘tapering off’ yet, and I’m also thinking we have several more inches than they thought we were going to get. And I’m frustrated.

I don’t have a place to cook or a place to store my food. That’s why I’m eating from restaurants and gas stations all the time. Everything I eat has to be small enough that I can eat it in one sitting, or it will spoil. Even if I had a place to put my food, I’d have to go home and put it there, which would require a trip.

I need to get pemmican, real pemmican, the way people made it in the old days – dried meat mixed with fruit and fat. That’s a food that stores at room temperature, and you can bring it hiking with you. It’s not just ‘beef jerky’ or ‘granola bars,’ it’s better than that. It wouldn’t have all the chemical preservatives in it.

However, I need to make a disclaimer or complaint about the Weston Price diet. I recently did another sort of test. I know that this cheese I bought never claimed that it was safe to keep it at room temperature – it officially required refrigeration. Still, I bought a block of cheese, knowing I couldn’t eat all of it at once, and kept it in my tent for several hours. I ate some of it, and then a little bit of it later, and then some more later.

With every passing hour, I could tell the cheese was spoiling. It was oxidizing or something. And as it oxidized, I started noticing heart problems as I was eating it. My heart was pounding noticeably, and this would happen more severely as the time went on and as the cheese spoiled more. So I stopped eating any more of it, and decided I would have to throw away the last of it. I actually had the sensation of a mild heart attack.

That had also happened once in the past when I had bought a bag of those little mini snack sausages for parties. They’re not meant to be kept at room temperature forever either – they have to be refrigerated after opening. But I first thought they were like dried beef or slim jims. I thought I could just keep them out. So I was eating them overnight at McDonald’s, keeping them out on the table the whole time, and I started having heart attack symptoms. I went to the doctor for this and had them do some expensive monitoring procedures, and they said that there were no signs that I had ever actually had a heart attack for real. Still, I had felt all the symptoms – a clamping sensation, a feeling of pressure, pain in my left arm. After I quit eating those sausages at room temperature, I stopped having the symptoms.

So, how do we preserve our meats and fats at room temperature? How was it done in the old days? Did everyone have a ‘spring house?’ I’ve heard of spring houses before – you build a little house over top of a cold spring, and let the water keep your food cool. But even that wasn’t very cold. I think it wasn’t in the food safety zone – I think it was more like 50 or 60 degrees, if I recall correctly. It could only store things like potatoes, which are able to keep at room temperature anyway, if I recall, but I’d have to go read about it again.

The Weston Price diet advocates are in denial, because they want to protect their grains of truth from being attacked, and the grains of truth are extremely valuable. No other diet on earth that I have ever seen has ever talked about the face and body deformities being preventable through diet. The only well-known birth defect that is preventable through diet, in mainstream medicine, is spina bifida, which is prevented by eating folate in green leafy vegetables. Other than that, absolutely nothing, anywhere. Not a word has ever been said about small mouths, crooked teeth, long skinny bodies, narrow hips, and so on, being preventable deformities caused by malnutrition. Only rickets, maybe, which messes up your legs and hips. So, the WP people have special knowledge that no one else seems to have.

But saturated animal fats really are dangerous and really do cause heart problems, the way mainstream media says they do, and I know it because I’ve experienced it personally. It happens when the fats get rancid at room temperature, it happens when the fats are cooked, and I don’t know whether or not it happens if you eat the fats raw because I haven’t tried that yet. It causes a pounding heart, at the very least, and there’s actually a specific medical term for ‘pounding heart’ which I found once but can’t remember, sort of like ‘angina’ is the medical term for chest pains.

I suspect that coconut oil also causes problems, even though mainstream media says coconut oil is infinitely good for you. I’m going to try a coconut soon. It might, it might not cause problems.

And bone marrow is inedible. And raw milk can sometimes contain parasites, or eggs, which develop into small short white worms in your stools – I’ve seen it happen, myself. And eating liver can cause osteoporosis or gout because of all the vitamin A. I’ve experienced something once where I ate liver pate and shortly afterwards I had neck problems, around a bone that was injured in my neck years ago – it was sort of cracking, and sometimes I would notice that my posture became bad, and I would be stooping over, like my spine was weak – that correlated with some drug residue outbreaks, but I think I remember it also happening when I would eat vitamin A in foods like liver. I don’t remember exactly what was happening with my neck, whether it was in pain, or just making a cracking noise, or feeling crumbly somehow – neck cracking noises are often caused by electronic attacks, however they can also be caused by other things, or you can be more susceptible to the attacks if you already have a problem. The murderers are able to shoot you with something that causes little popping and clicking noises in your neck bones. I’ve had it happen when I’ve been sitting perfectly still, and suddenly my neck bones will buzz and click for no reason at all. But I’m not getting into that right now – I don’t feel like talking about all the attacks at the moment.

Oh yeah, I saw ‘Silver Linings Playbook’ last night. (I also saw ‘The Croods’ and enjoyed it a lot.) That movie could have been written about me. The main character seemed to be a SLI, and the dancer girl from Hunger Games seemed to be an LSE. They talked about psychiatric drugs. However, there was a flaw in the movie plot. ‘Getting better’ was associated with being compliant and using drugs. ‘Staying sick’ and ‘having recurrences’ was associated with not taking your meds. They didn’t say that WITHDRAWAL from the meds causes severe problems. They implied that it was your ‘underlying condition’ being ‘left untreated’ that was causing you to have problems. He had a sort of mania, bizarre behavior, bizarre beliefs, and angry outbursts. They said he was ‘undiagnosed bipolar’ for most of his life and hadn’t known what was wrong with him.

The same thing happened in ‘A Beautiful Mind.’ It was based on a true story. In the original book, in the true story, in the events as they actually happened, the author said that ‘getting better’ was associated with ‘quitting all the medications and not taking anything at all.’ But in the movie, it was changed to fit with the mass media and the drug industry’s agenda, so they switched it: ‘getting better’ was associated with ‘I’m taking the newer medications now,’ or something like that, which he said in the movie. And the author allowed them to change this detail, because, apparently, it wasn’t a huge issue for him. But it’s a huge issue for many other people on the internet, who have seen and experienced for themselves the disasters that are CAUSED BY taking the meds, and the healing and recovery that is CAUSED BY quitting the meds.

Silver Linings Playbook also had a theme of ‘someone rejected me because I’m crazy, and I’ve got to get a message through to them by giving them a handwritten letter’ (why? I don’t know – don’t they have email in that universe? When I myself had to give handwritten letters to people, it was because I believed – or because it was actually true – that hackers were deleting and intercepting my emails) ‘to show them that I’m better now and I’m not crazy anymore and you don’t have to be scared of me.’ That, too, is a recurring theme in my own life. ‘I hate football’ was also in that movie – the dancer girl (I can’t remember any characters’ names) hated football so much that she wouldn’t let him bring any written materials about football into her studio. I hate it that much too.

Another thing that was inaccurate in that movie: He was hearing a trigger song – I hear them too – songs that are meant to make you angry, songs that you hate for some reason, songs that mean something to you – and, at one point in the movie, the dancer girl said, ‘the song isn’t really playing, it’s not really there,’ and she reassured him that the song was playing only in his mind – and so, the song gradually faded and got quieter and went away. Unfortunately, THAT DOES NOT HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE. No matter how much someone reassures you that the song isn’t really playing, the murderers will still continue to loudly blast your brain with this song that you can’t escape from and can’t avoid hearing, and it will continue playing no matter what you do, no matter where you go, no matter what words you say to yourself, no matter what words anyone else says to comfort and reassure you, no matter what you believe or feel emotionally. You are being attacked by someone using an electronic weapon, and those people are evil, crazy murderers who have no human compassion, and they always continue blasting the song through your head, unavoidably, no matter what you do. If they decided that he was going to be hearing that song at that moment, there would have been absolutely nothing he could do to stop hearing it or make it quiet down. They never stop it until they themselves decide to stop it. So, that part of the movie was unrealistic. It implied that his own actions were able to influence and control the songs that he was hearing in his head, but in reality, you have absolutely no control and no influence over the songs at all. I want to see a movie that portrays it exactly as it happens in reality.

Even though I’m complaining about all this, I really loved the movie. The movie is very popular and has gotten great reviews and it’s been in the theater for many weeks now and I finally got around to seeing it last night. I figured out that Jennifer Lawrence was an actress who played in movies that I like. She seems to be a Delta ST, either an LSE or SLI, and the casting people have figured out how to ‘typecast’ her into those types of roles, which means that she will play in movies that I tend to like. So if I see her, I know there is a good chance that I will like her character and probably the whole movie.

I love seeing movies with totally unknown, unfamiliar faces that have never been in any other movies, too. I like it when they go out and find completely new people and have no famous people at all. However, the benefit of using famous actors is that you know what typecast they are, so you can predict that you will like or dislike the movie.

I really loved the ending of the movie too, and I guess it’s been around long enough that I can spoil it, and no one will get mad at me for giving out spoilers. I’m not writing a review, after all. They bet all this money that the Eagles are going to win the football game, AND ALSO that Jennifer Lawrence and the SLI guy (what’s-his-name) will get at least a 5 in their dancing competition. They did the dance competition, and messed up the final big move, where he was supposed to lift her up over his head or something – I never really knew exactly what they were trying to do, but usually it resulted in her jumping on to him and both of them crashing down onto the floor. This time, she got up high enough to put her crotch directly into his face, which was awkward and embarrassing, and she put her hand down to block his face from touching her, and everyone in the audience cringed. But that’s the kind of thing that happens when you’re doing a dance competition. And the judges gave out their numbers, and three people gave a four-point-something, and the last judge gave a 5.4, and it averaged out to exactly 5.0. They all started screaming and cheering because they had just won their bet, while everyone else was saying, ‘Wow, sorry, you guys tried really hard,’ and so on, trying to console them, and they were all surprised because they were overjoyed and jumping up and down because they got a 5.0. I loved that part.

I might even like the movie enough to go see it again, so I can pick up more of the details, and at least learn the characters’ names. I never pick up characters’ names when I watch a movie. Usually, someone says a person’s name really quickly and then never says it again, and you have to hear it only that once. I need to have it slammed into my head repeatedly, and they need to wear a name tag on their shirt, and I’ll know their name and I’ll still look at their name tag before I say it to them, and I’ll say it and go, ‘Did I pronounce that the right way?’ and so on, several times, before I finally feel confident that I know someone’s name. This is either a socionic type-related phenomenon, or else I have nominal aphasia (caused by a combination of drug residues, mind control attacks, and several decades without sleep as a result of my sleep being constantly interrupted and controlled by the attackers, and also by my inability to go into the mind-state needed to recall nouns without being attacked and bombarded by voices in my head). One of the ladies at the meetup group said she was having nominal aphasia, and it always amuses me when people can’t remember a word as simple as ‘ballpoint pen’ or something, but they’re able to remember the word ‘nominal aphasia.’ That’s how it is.

I started having nominal aphasia a whole lot, very severely, several times in the past few months, and I started fighting back when it happened. It correlated with my drug residue outbreaks. I had several words that I started fighting hard to memorize, because every time I tried to say those particular words, I was attacked by the mind controllers using a sort of ‘autocorrect,’ where you look for a particular word, and they automatically force the wrong word into your brain over and over and over again, endlessly, every single time you look for that particular word, to make you angry. I’ve had this happen many times over the years. In the real world, if I weren’t being attacked, then I would just have no word at all. But instead, when I’m being attacked, they substitute some other wrong word into my head, so I have a word, but it’s totally the wrong one. Then what happens is, later on, ‘they’ will suddenly remind me of the real word that was removed, but I’ll be someplace else where I can no longer use it – like, for instance, if I forgot a word while writing a blog, I’ll suddenly be told what the word was when I’m riding my bike home, or when I’m someplace else that I can’t use it. By the time I get back to where I can use it again, I most likely will have been forced to forget the word again.

So I started doing something which was inspired by my reading about ‘oralite’ cultures, non-literate cultures, who have to memorize all of their stories. I started reciting a list of the forgotten words, which were the same words over and over again, reciting it forwards and backwards, adding new words to the list. I actually had the list memorized for a little while as a result of doing this. I don’t remember all of it now. But it was mostly a way of fighting back and telling the mind controllers that I was angry about this and that it was not okay for them to do this to me over and over again.

Every time I tried to think of the words ‘Brigham Young’ (a university), they would substitute the words ‘Bryn Mawr’ (another university, if I recall correctly). It’s a two-word university name beginning with B. I know a particular person who went to that university. I’ve noticed that there is a correlation between ‘Mormons’ and ‘the type of people I like.’ Apparently, they don’t want me to quickly and easily remember the name of a place where I might go if I wanted to find a large percentage of people I like in the population, which is also in the Rocky Mountains in an area that I already know I would love to live in, since I visited Boulder Colorado many years ago (it’s not in Boulder, just in that general part of the country). I think that Bryn Mawr is Irish or Celtic, and I know that I love the Celtic/Irish culture too and would like to go there or learn more about it, and I know that I have Welsh in my blood, but even so, though I have nothing against Bryn Mawr, I don’t want to be forced to remember that word every single time I try to remember Brigham Young.

Every time I tried to remember ‘Frida Kahlo,’ they wouldn’t let me remember that word either, and so I would be forced to google ‘mexican female artist with mustache,’ and the purpose was clearly to humiliate me and to emphasize that I was specifically looking for the lady with the mustache because the mustache was important and nobody ever looks for Frida Kahlo for any reason other than the fact that she has a mustache and it’s the most striking and memorable thing about her and I was googling it because I was specifically noticing her mustache and interested in her mustache. They wouldn’t let me ever, ever remember her name, so she got added to the list of things I had to memorize.

For some reason, they won’t let me remember the name of the chemical in rat poison. I had researched several poisons a few years ago when I was learning about herbal medicine, and this one word will never stick in my mind – but I just heard ‘them’ tell me what the word was just now, while I was writing this sentence: strychnine. They won’t let me remember that word. Every time I tried to remember that word, they would make me believe that it started with the letter R instead of the letter S, and I would struggle and struggle to think of poisons beginning with the letter R. (‘Ricin,’ maybe. And now I can add ‘rutin’ to that list of R-words, because I read about that one too.) That poison is significant to me because, if I recall correctly, it might be the one that causes you to become extremely hypersensitive to the slightest sensory stimulation, so that if you hear even the slightest noise, or see any light, you will suddenly be triggered to go into helpless convulsions. But if you avoid all light and noise, the convulsions are eased. I suspect it makes you sensitive to radio frequency attacks, too, just like St. John’s Wort, caffeine, and other herbal drugs and poisons increase your sensitivity to radio frequency attacks, so that you become able to hear voices in your head more clearly than you could before, just like Prozac and the other prescription drugs do too. They increase your sensitivity. Strychnine, or whichever poison this was, does something similar to that, except it’s well known in mainstream medicine, so you can actually talk about it and refer to this phenomenon – you can say, ‘There’s this poison where you’ll have convulsions which are triggered by the slightest noise or a flash of light or any sensory stimulation changes at all.’ And you could go look up that medical term so that you can refer to this phenomenon – there must be a word for what that’s called. Apparently, this is very relevant and important to how the radio frequency attacks are being done, and who is vulnerable to them versus who doesn’t respond very much when they are attacked, so I’m not allowed to remember it or refer to it.

They wouldn’t let me remember the word ‘succulent’ when I was researching purslane. So I added that word. Every time I struggled to use that word, they were substituting some other wrong word, but I don’t remember what it was – I think it was ‘fleshy’ or something. I suspect that the word ‘succulent’ has sexual connotations, either because it contains the word ‘suck,’ or sounds like ‘succubus,’ or because it’s used to describe juicy fruits and plants, and the fleshy juiciness of them is what you notice when you eat them, and it’s a ‘sensory indulgence,’ and advertising agencies like to use those kinds of words when they want you to buy their foods. It connotes images of someone biting into something and relishing it and making pleasurable faces of enjoyment while eating it, and it sexualizes eating. You might see advertisements that show fruits that resemble human body parts, like, for instance, the line or crease on a peach resembles buttocks or breasts. (Or the glans of a penis, in ‘James and the Giant Peach,’ where the peach ended up on top of a skyscraper, as a phallic symbol, and he invited his new friends to eat his peach.) ‘Sexualized eating’ is one of the taboos that I have been tortured and harassed about since the attacks began years ago. In the past, eating and feeding were my fetishes, but the attacks made them taboo. Now I can’t talk about them, think about them, fantasize about them, or do them in any way in reality, without being tortured and prevented from thinking. So I’m guessing that the sexual connotations of ‘succulent’ are one of the reasons why I’m forbidden to recall that word. The word ‘fleshy’ somehow isn’t as sexual as ‘succulent,’ even though it explicitly refers to flesh.

I added a couple more words to the list but I don’t remember what they were now.

These phenomena are much increased when I’ve had an exposure to drug residues. And they are greatly reduced when I get clean. It was also happening because of how hilarious the ‘dyac’ or ‘damn you, autocorrect’ errors were to me. When I’m manic, I will read those things and laugh till I nearly puke. When I’m non-manic, I’m still amused by them and will sometimes laugh, but not as uncontrollably. I had been laughing until tears were running down my cheeks and I felt like I was going to explode, and a guy nearby in the laundromat looked at me and asked me if I was all right, and I told him that I was laughing, not crying. So it was during that time period, when I was reading those and laughing at them, that I was also having a large amount of nominal aphasia and recurring harassment having to do with being unable to recall specific words over and over and over and over again until I got angry.

It’s exactly like they’re doing autocorrect in my brain. A database remembers that a particular misspelling is probably associated with some word that it resembles, and they have cryptographic, information-theory, mathematical equation things that help them associate particular misspellings and typos with other words which they are likely to be, but obviously, based on all these hilarious errors, they are often totally, horribly wrong. The one that made me laugh recently was someone talking about ‘Golden Girls,’ the old Tv show, which I remember, and it corrected it as ‘Golden Gorillas.’

When I was first being attacked, years ago, the voices would often refer to the ‘sheep/goat phenomenon,’ and they called me a goat. In the research on telepathy or psychic powers, there were people who didn’t believe in psychic phenomena, and they would try to do the opposite of whatever their psychic intuitions were telling them to do. Sheep, on the other hand, are obedient, and they automatically follow whoever is leading and guiding and herding them. So they happily obey whatever their psychic intuitions tell them, without fighting and complaining, and they happily believe that God is giving them commands, or that their psychic friends or spiritual guides are helping them, and they view this as a positive, good thing. Those are sheep. Goats are people who fight against it, trying to do the opposite, trying to distinguish themselves from the external voices commanding them, and I am a goat. I value my own individual free will. I see myself as a victim of an external attack, rather than the beneficiary of an external helper and guide.

So whenever they ‘forbid’ me to remember particular words and phrases, it usually means that they actually want me to pay attention to those words and phrases because they are particularly valuable and useful. If something is taboo and I’m not allowed to do it or think of it, then most likely, it’s something which would actually be good for me to do. That’s their way of signaling to me that something is important and useful, when they know I’m a goat who doesn’t want to be given helpful advice. They do it by telling me NOT to do those things.

However, this technique is very limited. You can’t just say, ‘Don’t go to college and become a doctor’ and expect me to suddenly say, ‘Wow, they don’t want me to become a doctor! I’m gonna go be one right now!’ There are limits. It is a complex and subtle thing. Everything that they try to force me or trick me or manipulate me into doing has to be ‘ego-syntonic,’ as it’s called – it has to be in harmony with my ego. That’s why they were able to tell me to grow my hair long and grow dreadlocks, and I happily agreed to doing it – it’s the kind of thing that I would have wanted to do anyway. If that happens, it means that you could have been influenced by an ordinary real-world conversation with a real person. I could have had a discussion with real people, out loud, and I would have been influenced to grow my hair long by interacting with those people. People are able to influence each other, but only in ways that they already would have wanted to go anyway.

I’m still waiting for that snow to taper off…. It’s been many hours, and yet it’s still coming down hard. I was hoping to go down the mountain eventually and get something to eat and use the internet. I expect that the snow on the main road won’t be sticking. It usually doesn’t. Mt. Nittany Road is usually clear, but this last little bit of it, the dirt and gravel part, is often covered in many inches of snow.

I must remind myself that the snow will end eventually. It’s taking longer than I would like, but the earth is revolving around the sun, and the northern hemisphere is tilted towards the sun, and the days are getting longer, and the day was as long as the night, and now the day is longer than the night, and getting even longer, and it is the spring. Nothing can stop it from getting warmer. It will happen. It’s just taking a long time. It’s frustrating. But it will end inevitably.

Perhaps it’s a good thing that we’re having a cold winter. Last year, the yellowjackets were very severe, very early in the season, and they say that yellowjackets do best if they have mild winters. Hopefully, the yellowjacket populations will be a little bit delayed this year, although I expect that they’ll get as bad as always, and it won’t make much difference.

I think I read that skunks eat yellowjackets. Is this a desirable food, or a survival food? Is it something they eat because they enjoy it, or because they’re starving and have no other choice? I have a feeling it’s a survival food and not a luxury for them. They’re capable of eating yellowjackets, but that doesn’t mean they like it. I’d like to draw cartoons of skunks eating yellowjackets. Also, I remember reading that quails can eat pine needles, but I haven’t been able to find a reference to this anywhere since then, and I’ve looked many times.

Oh yeah, I forgot to say two thing: I got out my tax papers, and also, I’ve been eating fruit.

Yesterday I dug around in some bags in the tent and I found the envelopes with my W-2 forms in them. So now they are in my backpack, where I can easily find them. That means I will be able to go to the library or someplace and do my taxes. I think I did my taxes late last year. I might do them late again, but at least I’m ready to get them done. This is a relief to me.

Ever since I decided it was okay to take vitamin pills (or, since I got permission from ‘them’ to try it), I’ve also been trying a few other things that I haven’t eaten in many years. I stopped using vitamins and I stopped eating any foods that contained large amounts of synthetic vitamins added to them, such as breakfast cereals and protein energy bars, the kind that feel like you’re eating sand. I used to enjoy eating those energy bars sometimes, but I would get tremors the next day – my hands would be trembling – and I suspected it was an overdose of some of the trace minerals such as chromium or manganese. So I stopped eating those. And vitamins cause allergy-like symptoms, such as a constantly runny nose. It happens every time I take a vitamin, and it immediately stops if I stop taking vitamins. It’s like clockwork, an obvious correlation, and I also remember reading a reference, which I can’t find anymore, explaining how and why the vitamins cause a runny nose – they contain histidine or something, the precursor of histamine.

So I’ve avoided vitamins for years, and I’ve avoided energy bars, and I’ve even avoided fruits. Why fruits? Well, I’m always eating only fast food, and fast food doesn’t have a lot of fruit. I’m not putting food in the fridge. I don’t have a fridge. Because of mainstream domestication processes, the fruits available are GIGANTIC, and they believe that bigger is better. Their goal is to develop fruits that are bigger and bigger. So if you buy an apple, for instance, it’s this gigantic monster which is so huge that you can’t eat the whole thing in one sitting, and you get sick of it after only a few bites, and you have to wrap the rest of it in plastic wrap and put it in the fridge, and the bitten places all turn brown. I’d much rather eat small fruits, but small fruits are illegal. There is a government regulation where fruits are required by law to be larger than a particular size, and they actually throw away small fruits. I remember seeing this on the news – it was a big scandal. They showed a dump truck completely filled with fruits that were below the minimum size, being dumped out of the truck and into a ditch, where they were being left to rot, and everyone was furious about how wasteful and stupid this was. The government wanted to deliberately create a fruit shortage to increase the price of fruit.

Anyway, why else am I not eating fruits? Large amounts of fruit will trigger a Feingold salicylate sensitivity reaction, where my ears are ringing, I have tinnitus, I feel restless and uncomfortable and unable to concentrate, I wiggle, and I feel irritable. I can eat small amounts of fruit, though, without any noticeable reactions. Just not a lot.

Also, fruits seem to cause rapid and severe tooth decay for me, and the Weston Price people and the Rami Nagel followers would agree with me on this. I have several small cavities, but one of them is pretty big, on my upper left back molar. Sometimes, this tooth actually crumbles, so that a fragment of the tooth falls into my mouth and I can feel myself chewing it up. It feels like I’m chewing on a piece of sand, something hard and gritty that makes a crunchy noise. I always know when a fragment of my tooth has fallen off. When I eat fruits, this will immediately happen on the very first day that I’m eating them. It happened when I bought a bag of blueberries and started eating them. It happened again yesterday when I tried a new fruit juice that I hadn’t tried before, and I’ve been eating fruits frequently when I usually don’t – although I also took a caffeine pill yesterday, when I hadn’t taken any caffeine pills for a couple weeks, because I ran out of them and couldn’t find them, but I recently found another couple little ‘trays’ of them in a bag, you know those little foil bubble trays with the pills under a piece of plastic.

Also, I think that fruits make me cold. I was really reluctant to eat them in the winter. All I wanted to eat was meat and fat, although I was willing to eat starches too. But I wanted to avoid fruits. I have read that Chinese culture considers fruits to be a ‘cooling’ food – it’s associated with the yin and yang categories. I think yin is cooling. Anyway, I don’t really believe in yin and yang, but it might be a true observation that fruit causes cooling, for unknown reasons.

Fruits and salads don’t sell as well in the wintertime, and McDonald’s knows it’s true. They’re a business, and they lose money on things that don’t sell. During the winter, they stop selling our strawberry lemonade and our cherry berry chillers, but we still sell other cold slushy drinks like the frappes, which also make you quite cold. Apparently, cold slushy fruit drinks are unpopular in the winter, although cold slushy coffee drinks are still popular. Why? Why don’t people want fruit in the winter, even though our modern transportation system allows us to buy fresh fruit from Chile (or wherever) in the southern hemisphere in the middle of winter? We are able to have fruit whenever we want, but we don’t always want it.

In the Arctic and Antarctic regions, you absolutely have to eat meat and fats, or else you will get frostbite. The explorers observed that if they ate pemmican which didn’t contain meat and fat (I assume it contained fruits and grains), they would quickly get frostbite, but frostbite was prevented when they ate pemmican which contained meat and fat. It is common knowledge among the Arctic people that you must eat fat in order to be healthy and to keep warm. I also read this in a book many years ago. It might have been one of those Time Life series books. I remember reading them and loving the ones about the polar regions. I’ve been drawn to the polar regions for many decades now. They seemed silent and beautiful and pristine and clean.

And so, I began paying attention. And I really do feel cold, and also tired and fatigued, after I eat fruit. Since it’s still chilly outside, I’m very aware of being cold, and I don’t like it. I want to eat foods that make me feel warm when I’m riding my bike in thirty-degree weather.

I started recently eating just a few of the popular fruits, the ones I usually avoid. I ate an apple recently when I was sleeping at the hotel. They had a bowl with free apples available in the downstairs hallway, so I took one, because I had no other source of fruit juice nearby. I get juice cravings. The apple satisfied my juice craving, but I didn’t really enjoy it. It was okay.

I bought a little cup of mixed fruits from Sheetz. Those are kept in a refrigerator, and they are literally physically cold, regardless of whether you believe that fruits cause the body to cool, and so I didn’t like them when they were cold. Cold foods hurt my teeth, too, especially when it’s also irritating my cavities because of the acid or whatever is in fruit, or mineral binders, or whatever – I don’t know what it is.

I watched the Disney movie ‘Chimpanzee,’ and one of the older chimps had lost all of his teeth, if I understood correctly. This was mentioned once or twice, that he had to just chew the nuts with his gums. Why would a chimp IN THE WILD lose all of his teeth as he got older? He eats fruit. They eat a little bit of meat, but they don’t eat primarily meat. They eat the exact foods that Rami Nagel says causes cavities: fruits, nuts, and anything with mineral binders in it, along with grains (which chimps are not eating). Chimps in the wild should theoretically be at the peak of optimal health for their species, according to the idealized view of their evolution, but yet, they are not. Herbivorous animals have more cavities than carnivorous animals, in the wild, in their ideal environment which they have ‘perfectly evolved’ to fit into, supposedly. Apparently, they could benefit from avoiding fruits, vegetables, grains, and grasses, and eating meat instead. I should go find the article I read about the whitetail deer that grabbed a sirloin steak off some guy’s plate at the picnic table, and happily ate it. Herbivores like meat too.

I decided to try buying bananas recently. I’m well aware that I love bananas and have always loved them. I avoid them because they don’t give me enough calories and fat and I want to eat foods that will last a long time in my stomach, since I can’t get to the fridge often, since I have to go someplace to buy only a single meal at a time while I’m in town. I don’t waste space on low calorie foods. But I like bananas. I’ve eaten them several times recently and enjoyed them a lot. You barely have to chew them, so they don’t cause much tooth pain or pressure on my cavities.

My cavities have been bad because I’ve been drinking lots and lots of Coke. When I don’t drink Coke, my cavities stop hurting. I wish I had known that when I was a teenager. I remember exactly what happened when I was a teenager. I briefly tried drinking sodas with someone else, possibly Terry, my boyfriend – I’m not sure. I never, ever drank sodas when I was a child. I hated the fizz, which made me burp, and I was scared of vomiting and didn’t like to burp so forcefully, and the fizz would come up my nose. But I tried them for a few weeks, and it was right during that time period that I noticed a cavity and went to the dentist and got the horrible, evil, life-ruining mercury amalgam dental filling which was the last nail in my coffin.

I was never the same after I got all that orthodontic work done and the dental fillings. I was a happy, intelligent child who did very well in school and got straight A’s. But as soon as I got my orthodontic braces, my schoolwork plummeted, and I stopped doing extracurricular activities like music and art, and I became unexplainably miserable. I never recovered. I went the rest of my life depressed and miserable and withdrawn. I also suffered from the plastic dental retainer, which gave me unexplained breast pain from the bisphenol-A. I didn’t know why my breasts were hurting, but that was why – the retainer. It probably made me stupider, too – the bisphenol-A ruins your brain function. I know this because I observed all the same things happening again whenever I got my horrible mercury filling removed and replaced with a plastic filling. The dentist tricked me into getting an additional unnecessary filling in a tooth where I hadn’t even noticed I had a cavity. So now I have two fillings instead of one, and both are plastic, and I had all the symptoms – a brain unable to think, terrible moods, and severe breast pain, as soon as I got the plastic fillings.

I will never let a dentist or an orthodontist anywhere near my children’s mouths. They will never go to any dentist for any reason under any circumstances. They will never even go there for a routine cleaning. It is absolutely forbidden. A dentist will never, ever touch them, ever. Their wisdom teeth will not be removed. They will not have any crooked teeth because I will give them the right foods and avoid any chemicals that might cause that deformity. There will never be any need for them to ever go to a dentist.

They will never get any cavities until they’re all grown up and living on their own, when they will rebel against the diet that I raised them on, and they will suffer the consequences. While they live in my house, while they eat the special diet that I feed them, they will never experience a single cavity. Only when they rebel against the diet will they ever experience a cavity.

Anyway, that all started because I said that my first and only cavity happened right after I started drinking soda for the first time, as a teenager. If only I hadn’t drunk the soda, I would never have gotten the cavity, and I would never have gotten the mercury dental filling, and I would never have suffered from decades of mercury-copper-silver-whatever poisoning – all of the metals are poisonous, not just the mercury, but the mercury is the most toxic of all of them – and my entire life would have been different. I would have probably excelled in college and I might have even graduated and gotten a degree, and I’d be earning a lot more money right now, if I had never gotten that mercury filling. Other people can survive with those things, but a chemical sensitive person cannot.

Well, the snow isn’t tapering off. At all. Is it going to just keep snowing all night long into tomorrow? Did this cloud just stop moving, right over top of us, and now it’s just stuck here forever?

Oh yeah, I was going to complain about Naked Juice, or whatever it’s called. It might be called Naked Fruit Juice. I’d have to look again. I’ve always avoided that stuff. I don’t remember why I had decided in the past to avoid it. I usually buy ‘normal’ juices, just something like lemonade. They do have added corn syrup, but I’m willing to drink that, although I’d prefer not to. I think in the past I had seen that Naked Juice had added ingredients that were meant to be healthy, like added vitamins and herbs, and I avoided added vitamins and herbs (until now, that is). So I don’t normally drink any ‘health’ drinks like that.

Yesterday I tried the one that contained added protein from soy and whey – again, I’d avoid the soy, and I don’t worship soy as a health food – it’s a subsidized government crop which has been heavily advertised and promoted as a great thing. Ayn Rand was spot on in Atlas Shrugged when she wrote about Ma Chalmers and Kip Chalmers promoting soy as a magical wonder food. That’s exactly true. Soy is popular because the politicians decided to make it popular, not because it actually is an amazing wonder food.

But anyway, I chose to try this drink. It had that same ‘sandy’ texture that the protein energy bars have. It wasn’t that bad. I liked it.

However, I did *not* like the hypocrisy in the labeling of the bottle. It said something, and I forget the exact words, but it said that it was nothing but pure juice. However, I read the labels of all four varieties that were there, and some of them contained bizarre added chemicals, for instance, something called ‘fibersol,’ which I had never heard of before. I looked it up. Fibersol is indeed a manmade chemical. It’s meant to make you feel full so that you have less desire to eat. It’s some kind of fiber which is impossible to digest, or hard to digest, or something. It’s similar to the idea of Olestra, an artificial fat that your body doesn’t absorb, but which makes you feel as though you’re eating fat. Remember the Olestra scandal? People discovered that it caused ‘anal leakage.’ You get diarrhea and can’t control it, and it leaks out while you’re walking around doing your daily activities. So I was not happy to see that a manmade artificial fiber was added to one of the drinks, the ‘blueberry machine’ drink.

It’s the principle. I don’t like it that they are adding chemicals to increase the ‘healthiness’ of the drinks. Another example: I used to absolutely love a particular type of V-8 juice, the tropical fruits one. However, since I’m always reading the ingredients, I noticed that they started adding an artificial sugar substitute, for no reason, just because, just to make it sweeter without adding calories. I was very angry about this, and totally stopped drinking V-8, and have never had it again, even though the tomato V-8 doesn’t have that additive (if I recall), just the tropical fruits kind. It’s the principle. Why would you drink something which is an all natural health food, but then add a bunch of chemicals to it? It violates the whole principle of naturalness. When you desire something ‘natural,’ you don’t use a bunch of manmade chemicals to ‘improve upon’ the healthiness of a natural food. The milk industry is trying to do the same thing. They are asking the government for permission to add aspartame or other chemical sweeteners to milk products without putting it on the label. It would be a secret ingredient. It would be allowed because milk is a ‘healthy food,’ according to their argument, and the chemical sweeteners are ‘healthy’ as well.

So anyway, fibersol wasn’t the only chemical that was added to these Naked Juice drinks. There were one or two other things. I googled it, and discovered, to my pleasant surprise, that there was already a petition and a boycott of Naked Juice going on, and it’s owned by the Pepsi corporation (although Naked Juice was probably honest and pure back when it was originally created, and I’m guessing, on a hunch, that Pepsi bought it out, and after they bought it, they began adding chemicals that weren’t there in the beginning).

The petition complains that it is false advertising to write a bunch of stuff saying that this is ‘nothing but juice,’ only to find that if you read the label, it contains several added manmade chemicals. Even the name ‘naked’ implies that all the extra, external things have been stripped off, and nothing but the fruits remain, with nothing additional on top of them. But beyond that, it explicitly says ‘nothing but fruit’ (although I can’t remember the exact words) and yet it is clearly NOT nothing but fruit. I totally agree that it is a blatantly false statement. I would have to go look at it to get the exact words.

In the past, I wasn’t opposed to GMOs, genetically modified organisms. But I was reading about GMO crops recently, and if I understand correctly, some of those crops actually manufacture their own pesticides in the crop itself. I’m not absolutely certain that that’s what they do. Anyway, that means that the leaf of the crop, or the vegetable itself, the part that you eat, CONTAINS PESTICIDE because the plant itself has been programmed to manufacture it. When I read that, I decided that yeah, GMO crops probably really are bad, and I think I will go along with the people who are opposed to them. Again, I have to read more about it, because I’m not sure that I understand. Another thing they are doing is making crops that tolerate large amounts of Roundup, an herbicide which kills the other weeds growing among the crops. Therefore, farmers are now dumping bucketloads of herbicide all over these crops, much more than they ever would have done in the past, because the new plants are able to tolerate it, and this is causing the plants to come to the store covered with much more herbicide residue than they ever had before, so we are eating it.

The entire modern farming industry is the problem. The entire method causes problems which lead to ‘solutions’ which themselves cause additional problems which then lead to new ‘solutions’ such as GMO crops. First, we’ll totally deplete the soil of all trace minerals by using the same soil again and again and using it in a harmful way. Then we’ll add chemical fertilizers which are different from the naturally occurring chemicals in the soil, and which fail to add trace minerals – they only add nitrogen, potassium, and phosphorus, because those are the ‘macrominerals,’ the ones that plants need lots of, and because those produce the most VISIBLE results – you can clearly see by looking that plants turn yellow unless you add phosphorus (or whichever, I forget which one), and when you add the phosphorus, they turn green. You can clearly see that the leaves are small and shriveled, but when you add the fertilizer, they suddenly turn huge and enormous. If you can see something by looking at it, IT MUST BE IMPORTANT! Who cares about all the subtle things inside that you can’t see, such as the lack of trace minerals. As long as it looks pretty, it’s good. Big, huge, bright green crops are good. So that’s the only fertilizer they add.

But plants that are lacking various nutrients are more vulnerable to insects, and it might not just the lack of NPK (nitrogen phosphorus potassium) that’s causing the problem, it might be the lack of trace minerals that aren’t being added. But who cares, you can’t SEE the results of adding those. They influence internal functions of the plant, and the flavors of the plant, and other things. They probably influence whether the plant is easily destroyed by insects or not. But they’d rather add a bunch of pesticides to kill the bugs.

And they’d rather grow popular, familiar, well-known types of crops that are subsidized by the US government, instead of growing other types of crops that are less well known, not subsidized, but hardier and less vulnerable to insects and droughts.

Because of all those chemical fertilizers and pesticides, they now have to make yet another ‘solution to the problem,’ GMO plants that tolerate pesticides or produce their own pesticides (if I understood that correctly). This is weird: Plants in the wild naturally produce their own pesticides. All plants are poisonous. No plants were ever meant to be eaten by any living creatures, not by insects and not by animals. And I know this is true because I’ve tried foraging. Everything is poisonous. Everything defends itself.

But humans find the plants that have the least amount of natural pesticides in them that affect humans. Whatever chemicals they have, our livers are able to detoxify them. Then we breed those plants so that they produce less and less poison, over thousands of years. The plants become docile and helpless and can’t protect themselves against bugs.

Then we get mad because our plants are being eaten by bugs!

Then we genetically engineer plants that create pesticides! (disclaimer, if I understood correctly that that’s what they’re doing). They just want particular pesticides that we ‘approve of’ rather than the naturally occurring pesticides that plants would have made on their own.

I had a discussion about this recently, and someone told me that nicotine was the pesticide that they were being engineered to create. I don’t know where he heard this. He said this in a nonjudgmental offhand casual way, as though it was okay with him that they were adding the genes that produce nicotine to the plants.

Nicotine is indeed a pesticide. That is the reason why nicotine exists. It is the reason why nicotine-containing plants produce it. Nicotine can be extracted from tobacco plants and then sprayed onto your garden to kill bugs, and this is an old and well known use of nicotine.

If they are genetically engineering their plants to contain nicotine, claiming that it serves the purpose of a PESTICIDE………… then they are adding an ADDICTIVE SUBSTANCE to ordinary foods! Which plants contain this added nicotine? Is it being added to things like soy and wheat? Or spinach? Or lettuce? Or what? Is it true that they’re adding the gene that produces nicotine? Notice that they chose nicotine, out of all the millions of genes and millions of naturally occurring pesticides that exist on the planet. Out of all those possible pesticides, they chose nicotine. Why? Is this actually a true fact?

I just watched a video the other day about Africa. The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is harming Africa by teaching them to use ‘modern’ American crops and chemicals, which are not suited to life in Africa (or anywhere else on earth), and making them dependent upon buying seeds from Monsanto, instead of storing and saving their own heirloom seeds. If you don’t know anything about seeds, I’ll explain how this works.

When you buy seeds in a little packet at the store, those seeds are usually hybrid seeds. People take this for granted as ‘normal’ instead of viewing it as the evil that it really is. It is evil. The seed manufacturers mate together several different types of plants to produce a seed that will have special characteristics. However, those characteristics are temporary. They only exist in this particular plant that resulted from the cross breeding. If you try to collect the seeds from this plant and then plant them, you will get unexpected results that are totally different from the first plant. They do not carry the same traits to the next generation, because the first plant was a hybrid.

If you use a non-hybrid plant, which is called an ‘heirloom variety,’ then you can collect the seeds of your plants, plant them again, and be confident that they will produce a plant similar to their parent. Heirloom varieties were the norm for thousands of years. It was taken for granted as normal that, of course, you would simply collect your own seeds from your own plants every year and plant them again next year. It was only in recent decades that the business of seed-selling began, where seed manufacturers make their hybrid seeds and you can’t use the seeds produced for next year because they will produce plants that are totally different.

I don’t know what exactly it would be like because I’ve never tried to do it, but I’ll just imagine a scenario. You buy hybrid seeds that produce, say, red peppers. The red peppers are bright red, large, and juicy. It’s a hybrid plant. So if you try to plant the seeds from those peppers and grow your own peppers without buying a new packet of hybrid seeds, you will grow plants that have little resemblance to the original plant. Maybe they won’t produce any peppers at all. Maybe the peppers will be so tiny and so shriveled that they can’t be eaten. Maybe they will taste terrible. Maybe they won’t be red. Who knows. Whatever grows, it will have little resemblance to the original plant, because the original plant was a hybrid. This is something that has only recently been done in human history. In the past, you just bred plants that would consistently produce good results, and year after year, you would harvest some of the seeds and plant them again next year, and you would get a similar plant, because it wasn’t a hybrid.

So these ‘helpful’ people like the B&M Gates Foundation are selling hybrid seeds to Africa, where they don’t have enough money to buy new seeds every year. They urge them to stop collecting and saving their own heirloom varieties, because those heirloom varieties are primitive and bad and contemptible and frowned upon and pathetic and inferior, and they have to be ‘cool’ and stylish and use the new modern stuff instead, otherwise they’re a social loser. And they believe it all. So they throw all their old heirloom seeds in the garbage and forget that whole way of life, buy the new seeds, try to collect the baby seeds, try to plant them again, and discover that this year the plants are totally different and inedible and unusable. They might call someone on the phone and complain, only to be told, ‘Oh, didn’t you know those are hybrid seeds? My bad. You just have to buy some more this year. Nobody told you? Wow, it sucks to be you. You’re not supposed to collect the seeds and plant them again. Everybody knows this. You didn’t know it because you’re an ignorant rube in a backward country. Get with the program!’

I really should get up and go down the mountain now. IT HASN’T STOPPED SNOWING YET. I wonder how many inches we have gotten? I still see absolutely no signs of any ‘tapering off’ whatsoever. It might possibly taper off by Wednesday or Thursday or maybe Friday.

Was I done? I went off on several tangents. The point was that I now dislike GMO foods even though until recently I didn’t know enough about the situation to make any judgment on it. I’ve decided that I definitely do not like them.

Anyway, the Naked Juice boycott also said something about GMO ingredients, and I think the label on the bottle says it doesn’t contain any, but it does. I’d have to go read it again.

So I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I was not the only one who was offended when I turned the bottle around, read the fine print, and saw weird manmade added chemicals, when the front of the bottle said ‘nothing but fruit.’ It wasn’t just me! It’s a real boycott.

Anyway, so I tried that stuff, along with bananas. And bananas are addictive. I’ve read several different blogs and things online, written by vegetarians, who talk about how many bananas they eat every day. They eat them by the hundreds. Bananas are addictive.

But are they suitable food for a pregnant mother to be? I’ve read about vegan mothers. Studies have shown that vegan children grow up smaller and skinnier than omnivorous children.

I’ve been thinking about vegetarianism because of the Freethought meetings. They are reminding me to question my own ‘religions,’ even though we don’t explicitly talk about special diets as a type of religion. But they are. Special diets are a religion. People who are strongly vegetarian are religious, and people who are strongly opposed to vegetarianism are also religious. And I have always questioned the Weston Price advocates, especially after my own experiences and observations told me that yes, meat and fat can be bad for you, bone marrow causes food poisoning, cod liver oil causes low blood pressure and bruising and bleeding, and so on. The WP advocates are just as religious and just as in denial of contradictory evidence as the vegans are. Both are right in some ways and wrong in some ways, and I want to gather the grains of truth from all the different sides of the arguments.

I should go now. I give up. There will be no end to this infinite snow. I can’t wait any longer for it to stop. IT WILL NEVER STOP. IT IS NOT GOING TO END. THERE IS NO POINT IN WAITING ANY LONGER. I GIVE UP!

I tested picking out the ends of two dreadlocks.

March 21, 2013

As usual when I guess someone’s socionic type I change my mind about it later, even though I was ‘sure’ about it in the beginning. The guy who I have encountered in town and hung out with a few times is most likely an SEI. A series of events led me to this conclusion, but I don’t have time to talk about it now, since I’m getting ready for work.

I slept in the hotel a second time in a row tonight. Strangely, my health gets worse when I sleep in a hotel. There is bad air quality here. You can’t open the windows, or at least, I’ve never tried hard enough and long enough to figure out how it’s done. So you have this stale air, which gets dryer and dryer because you have the heat running all night long. And heated air tends to lose negative ions and gain positive ions, although I’m not sure of the exact details of that – I just know from reading that indoor air has too few negative ions, and negative ions make you feel good – they are in the fresh mountain air. Anyway, the air lingers around too long, and it’s probably full of cold viruses and dust and what not.

I should be getting ready for work instead of writing a blog. But anyway, I also have more health problems because when I’m here I take showers and use shampoo. I react to the chemicals. In the recent past I was showering without any shampoo, but I had drug residues in my hair, which is why I started using shampoo again, even though I don’t want to. The shampoo messed up my dreadlocks and caused them to lock too tightly up around the roots and influenced the pattern of their growth. I’m not really happy about that. I want to find out how they grow when they’re not being washed with shampoo.

Anyway last night I tested something. I have done this several times in the past, so it’s not new. I was just reminding myself that it could be done. I used conditioner on the ends of a couple of my dreadlocks and then sat there gently picking them out with a comb. I wanted to find out how long it would take to do this. It takes a very long time, but it can be done. There are several regions in the locks. The ‘loopy’ region is the place where the loose hairs have just tangled together, and it’s not the same as the dense lock closer to the scalp. The loopy region is actually harder to comb out than the mature lock. The mature lock has a more regular pattern and comes undone more easily. So I have a couple inches at the ends of two of my locks which are now undone, but they will tangle up again over the next few days, they just won’t be as dense as before.

I did this to get a feel for what it would take to completely undo all of my locks. I can do it myself up until a certain point, but then, it’s hard to see, and it’s hard to reach up with my arms into an uncomfortable position for hours at a time. If I had a trusted, competent, patient, skillful person to help me, then it could be done by someone else, but few people are competent at such things. You have to pick them gently and try not to rip the loops of hair, and no one cares about my hair as much as I myself do.

If I do change my locks, I will probably let them grow back again, but I will want to find out the pattern of the growth if various factors are changed. I would want it to be more ‘natural.’ I have grease vapors and smoke in the environment where I work, and I think some of that grease gets into my hair from McD, which influences it, and leaves gummy residues. I’m not sure, maybe that gummy residue is also the sebum from the scalp, but I’d like to know how much of it is from McD.

Oh well, I don’t have time to write anymore, but I was going to say that the conditioner is now all over me and so I’m having a reaction to it as well. And now I have to get ready for work and stop fooling around or I’ll be late.

I need to write an essay explaining how the law of comparative advantage applies to socionics.

March 20, 2013

It says that it’s worthwhile for a country to produce whatever it’s least bad at, even if everyone else is still better than it is at that thing. I don’t have time to explain it on my lunch break now.

This also justifies the idea that everybody has a right to live and everybody is capable of producing something (in principle), even if they’re relatively not very good at it. The minimum wage is the only thing that prevents that from happening in the real world.

Now is the time to be thinking about global economics, when Cyprus is in the middle of a crisis caused by the IMF threatening them and manipulating them.

I was run over by a steamroller last night, more than once.

March 19, 2013

Yesterday my mood got very bad, and something upset me – long story, don’t want to talk about it, a series of events caused by my mania – and I ended up walking around the edge of town crying, in the dark, for maybe an hour. I exhausted myself so badly by walking around that my entire body was in agonizing pain this morning. Chronic fatigue syndrome sufferers do not benefit from extra exercise.

So I decided that when I finally got up, I was going to go straight to the hotel where I occasionally go, which is right next to McD’s. I have to be at McD at 5:00 AM tomorrow. I had no caffeine in the tent. So by that time, I was going to be in caffeine withdrawal and also still in agonizing pain from walking around town for a couple hours and also in withdrawal from the tobacco residue contact and also still suffering from my own drug residue-induced mania. I knew it would have been impossible to get up and go to work. I decided going to the hotel would greatly increase the chances that I would be able to get up at 5 AM tomorrow morning and that I would not have to call off work.

I’m just waiting for the next bus right now. I’m avoiding riding my bike as much as possible. I rode one bus to the library and I’ll ride another bus the rest of the way to the hotel on that side of town near McD.

I am in horrible pain all over my body, and not only that but mentally and psychologically and emotionally in pain as well, mainly from drug residues, but made worse by an incident.


March 18, 2013

5:14 PM 3/18/2013

This is an example of a tobacco-induced mood. I am trying, and trying, and trying, and trying, to find a weather map with the isobars, the barometric pressure, and I’m looking and looking and looking on the various weather websites. I can find images of old ones on google, but not the current ones on the websites where I look at the weather every day. I am getting so extremely annoyed at this that I want to scream and throw the computer across the room. My anger and rage are extremely intense and intolerable, and yet this is a trivial little thing, and I’m aware that it is. I know from experience that this mood is totally, completely, 100% tobacco-induced.

He came back after running his errands, because he said he would be back, and he knew that I wanted to be alone, so he just stopped in and told me he was going someplace else. He had asked to read what I was writing, and I was embarrassed about the last line, where I had said that I wanted to think but couldn’t because I wasn’t alone. I had said, wait a minute, I need to change something, and I was going to try to delete the last line in my notepad file, but he was still looking, and I explained that I just didn’t want him to see that little comment because I didn’t want it to hurt his feelings. So he actually saw the last line and he got the idea that I wanted to be alone.

When he came back after running his errand and said he was moving on and going to sit someplace else, I felt really really sad and regretted seeing him go. I find myself clinging to him and yet annoyed at having company. This is not merely because of a socionic activator relationship. It is definitely the tobacco and its effect on me. They say that socionic activators have that tendency, the hot-and-cold phenomenon, of needing time together and then needing time apart. But that’s not all it is.

Now that I feel so horrible and guilty, I will probably try to explain to him in the future that I am extremely, intolerably sensitive to tiny quantities of tobacco. He won’t understand. But he will try to be nice about it. He’ll think that he just has to smoke somewhere else, but it’s not that simple.

When he was reading the last line where I commented that I couldn’t think because I wasn’t alone, I had my arm around him and my face buried in his chest because I felt horribly guilty for saying it and for letting him read that. He had been curious to read my thoughts about economics that I was writing a few blog posts ago.

(Edit: At that particular moment, the last line was “I want to understand this, but can’t focus completely when I’m not alone.”)

Now I am extremely agitated once again!

tobacco induced irritation, continued

March 18, 2013

3:55 PM 3/18/2013

I don’t know what I’m going to do about this in the long run. I think that passive avoidance is probably going to be what happens, without an official decision. We are not actually calling each other on the phone and saying, ‘Hey, can you come hang out with me today?’ Instead, we are meeting each other by accident because we are coincidentally going and sitting at the same restaurants. When I see him, I cannot ignore him. That would be unthinkable. However, I only encounter him maybe once a week, and if I just start avoiding the places where I encounter him, then we will have fewer passive coincidences of meeting.

I don’t know if I could ever explain to him why I want to avoid him. How do you tell someone, ‘Hey, look. I have this problem where I can feel symptoms that are triggered by touching people who have touched or used herbal drugs or prescription drugs. It’s extremely bothersome to me, and it means that I just can’t have any drug users as my friends or boyfriends. Sorry, it sucks to be you, I know you can’t stop using tobacco and I know you can’t clean off all your belongings. Goodbye.’

The irritation, anxiety, and annoyance that develops after I’ve been touching him is extremely intense and incapacitating. It causes me to freeze up and become unable to make decisions, and to get very upset – not the shouting-and-arguing type of upset, but the ‘quietly sitting there rubbing and pinching the bridge of my nose with my eyes tightly shut and without speaking’ kind of upset. That was what I did one day when I was with him and had to decide whether I was going to be intimate with him – I was so incapacitated that I could not make the decision, and spent many minutes just stressing out about it, helplessly. On that particular day I did eventually leave without being intimate with him.

This particular behavior, rubbing the bridge of the nose, is triggered sometimes by dehydration, lack of water, and also by tobacco and tobacco withdrawal. It is not merely caused by ‘anxiety.’ It is physiological more so than emotional, and the emotions associated with it are the result of the physiological state, and not the cause. I know this from experience, because when I am all cleaned off and have no drug residues on me whatsoever, and when I’m not drinking any caffeine, I do not do this particular behavior at all, no matter what kind of stressful events are going on. I never sit there closing my eyes, rubbing the bridge of my nose, or ‘facepalming’ unless I am affected by caffeine and/or drug residues. It is totally physiological.

If I ever do a facepalm at all, it is only a brief, quick, fleeting expression. When I am having the physiologically induced facepalm behavior, the forehead rubbing and brow rubbing, that can go on for many minutes without satisfaction – no matter how much you rub your forehead, you still feel like you need to do it again and again. It’s an unpleasant tickly sensation on the forehead right there, which lingers and persists and won’t go away. I feel it right now.

There are grains of truth in the ‘Thought Field Therapy’ or TFT. They observed that people touch their faces in particular locations when they are under stress, and discovered that you can touch those locations deliberately in order to reduce stress. So the spots at the end of the eyebrows where they meet the bridge of the nose are one of the places where you tap or press in order to reduce anxiety in the TFT/EFT process. (EFT = ‘Emotional Freedom Techniques,’ the spinoff of TFT, where they stole the TFT techniques and posted them on the internet so that people could get them all for free instead of having to pay for them.)

Intense anxiety from tobacco residues.

March 18, 2013

2:58 PM 3/18/2013

I’ve been doing something that I tend to do while manic, but not at other times: I’m thinking about economics. I was trying to recall Ricardo’s Law of Comparative Advantage last night, but couldn’t remember the name, although obviously I managed to find it online today. It demonstrates why division and specialization of labor produces more than self-sufficiency does.

I’m reading about this now and I saw something else, the law of rent. Something caught my attention just now:

“In contrast to Malthus’s hypothesis of overpopulation, Ricardo explains mass poverty using deductive logic by noting that when there is no rent-free land, subsistence becomes the effective margin of production. Landlords will not charge more than this amount because it would entail no production at all, and thus no rent.”

I’m struggling to understand this. It seems to explain why we are living in a near-subsistence economy, why wages are relatively lower and lower, why everyone can barely afford to live. I can understand the first sentence, but I don’t quite understand the second one.

When there is no rent-free land…. when we live in a local area where every inch of land is already taken… when people, for whatever reason, are reluctant or unwilling to move into the woods as I am doing… when it’s illegal to do so…

Subsistence becomes the effective margin of production. Subsistence is what we would do on the rent-free land. Not quite. We could still do coal mining or agriculture for profit on the rent free land. ? More than this amount? What amount? Charge whom? I would need to write this on paper so I could see the diagram, but for various reasons can’t concentrate well enough to grasp it right now. I know what the word ‘marginal’ means, though.

Margin of production: subsistence. What if it were higher than that? There’s a rent-free spot of land where I could grow crops under the tree canopy. I would produce more than I need, so I have a surplus, so it’s not subsistence. Darn it, and I can’t think right now, and I won’t be interested in thinking about it later on, and I’ll forget about it without ever understanding it. I want to understand this, but can’t focus completely when I’m not alone.

I will have to think about it later. I am very restless and distracted right now and even though my friend is going out on an errand I still feel like I can’t focus. I am having a lot of anxiety. I have a recurring problem: secondhand tobacco residue. It’s causing me to have a lot of anxiety when I am with him. This is going to be a permanent, continuing, recurring problem in the future, and I don’t know what to do about it. I cannot see this person without hugging him, but touching him causes a tobacco residue exposure, which triggers intense and ever-increasing anxiety and irritation. And I know for sure it’s the tobacco residue, because it instantly went away last time when I took a shower. He rolls his own cigarettes, and touches the tobacco directly with his hands, so it’s all over him and his belongings, even though he goes outside to smoke and I’m not getting the smoke directly. It’s not the same as it was when I visited Curtis and his girlfriend and I sat in their apartment getting covered with everybody’s smoke for hours and hours and getting it into my hair – it’s not that bad. But I can clearly and definitely feel it. And I can’t tell him, ‘Go away, don’t touch me, stay away from me, leave me alone forever.’ I like him too much. I also can’t tell him he must stop smoking and stop handling tobacco because of my sensitivity to his nicotine residues all over his body and his clothing. Being around him means that I will, once again, experience perpetual, endless contamination.

Sigh… mania, mania, mania, mania….

March 18, 2013

2:22 PM 3/17/2013

I just noticed that the laundromat has semi-hidden cameras up on the ceiling, after I did what I described in the previous post, but I was in a location where I was close to a wall in a corner in such a way that the corners would have been blocking me (hard to describe, but it doesn’t matter). I was around a corner behind a sort of wall that stuck out several feet and the walls would have blocked the cameras. The cameras are covered with dust, and they may be so old that they aren’t even being used anymore.

I also picked my nose in front of those cameras. Ever since I started taking vitamins, my nose has been CONSTANTLY RUNNY AND STUFFY, just like I said it would be. Vitamin pills cause nasal allergy-like symptoms, but I can’t find the article where I read the explanation why. Like clockwork, the instant that I start taking vitamins, I start constantly having nonstop nasal problems. Normally I don’t have any mucus in my nose at all, but now I constantly need a tissue. I had mentioned picking my nose in the blog post where I had the nosebleed that was caused by eating purslane, which is why I’m mentioning it again now – it’s the result of this vitamin-induced runny nose phenomenon.

I’m having a bad day of mania. I wasn’t feeling well last night. I stayed up the entire night surfing the net and reading. I was reading Jon Rappoport’s blogs and websites. He’s an investigative journalist. He’s an ESE. I encountered him on a website that I read, I wrote manic comments in several different places, and on one of them, I mentioned the Weston Price diet without giving my disclaimer. And now I’m at home and can’t get online to fix it. I want to be asleep, but I woke up after napping for only a couple hours and feel restless again.

I was so exhausted after staying up all night that I called a cab to drive me home, and I just left my bike in town. I will have to go get it later. I could not possibly ride my bike home and then push it up the hill, or even leave it at the bottom somewhere and walk up the hill. I just couldn’t.

The weather is still so bad that I can’t do anything. I can’t finish my decontamination to get rid of the mania once and for all. I can’t do anything at all that I need to do. When it snows and rains over and over again, with cold temperatures, I have to stay home and stay in bed, or go someplace and just sit somewhere all day, but I can’t do any work around the tent. I haven’t rested well in several days. This entire weekend is being ruined.

I can’t wait for spring to really start. I keep thinking that it’s just about to start, but then it gets cold and snowy again, and I have to postpone my work for another couple weeks. I keep thinking that *this* month is the month when the weather will be tolerable enough for me to do the decon, but then I have to say it’s next month, and when I get to that month, I have to say it’s the month after that.

1:12 PM 3/18/2013

I’m doing the laundry and charging my phone now. I slept at home after taking a cab home. I was thinking to myself how warm and cozy it is at home. You wouldn’t believe it, but when I am away from home, I often long to go back to my tent to sleep, because it’s so warm and so comfortable. I have four sleeping bags inside each other, and that keeps me even warmer than I am when I spend the night at a hotel. At a hotel, you only get this thin little blanket and a sheet. If I take a shower before bed and go to bed with my hair wet, then I wake up shivering in the middle of the night at a hotel, but if I wake up shivering at home, it only means that I need to adjust my position a bit so that I’m fully on top of my insulation mats, or I need to pull up one of the blankets, or a sleeping bag has come unzipped. I am almost always ‘baking hot’ when I sleep at home.

When I saw that there was a camera (there are three of them that I found, actually), I climbed up on a chair, climbed up on top of one of the dryers, and reached up and hung a black sock over the camera. It was somebody else’s black sock sitting in the dust on the ‘roof’ of the closet.

I touched that dust and I touched the metal of the top of the dryer. Something I touched was poisonous. I don’t know what was in the dust, years and years worth of laundry dust and, who knows, smoke from the gas motors of the dryers or something, I don’t know – smoke shouldn’t be coming in to the room, though. Whatever it was, it was poisonous. I didn’t know it was poisonous until later. Hours later, my hand had pins and needles like it was falling asleep, and even when I changed my position over and over again, I still couldn’t make it stop tingling. Finally I washed off my hand with one of my Clorox wipes, and it immediately stopped tingling and got better.

I’m going to post this for now because someone’s chatting with me.

I learned a new trick! Peeing into a Coke bottle.

March 17, 2013

It is possible for a female to pee into a 20-ounce Coke bottle through an opening less than an inch in diameter. I was desperate enough to try it, because I’m sitting at the laundromat, and I’ve had a large amount of Coke and coffee tonight, and the laundromat’s bathroom is closed and locked, as it usually is, and I’m watching some YouTube movies and didn’t want to get up and go someplace else. I was so uncomfortable that I could no longer concentrate on the movies I was trying to watch. So I decided to pee into the only container I had, the Coke bottle, and then dump it down the drain of the sink. I’ve peed into a cup while sitting here before, but not a Coke bottle. (Yes, I’m alone.) It’s not as easy for a woman as it is for a man. It’s easier for a man to control exactly where he is peeing. For a woman, it’s hard to find the exact location of the opening of the urethra. I sometimes missed the opening of the bottle, so I had to wipe the floor off and put a newspaper under me, but after that, it was fine. Not perfect, but good enough. I’m watching movies about outdoor survival in Alaska and other survival-related things. Peeing into a Coke bottle seems appropriate.

What fiction story would I write? What rules would I break? I imagined some of the worlds that I would like to build.

March 16, 2013

4:30 PM 3/16/2013

The other night I was thinking about what story I might write if I wrote a fiction book.

This might have been inspired partly by the fact that I was hanging around with an EII guy who I met recently. I saw him again the other day. He’s 55 years old and a smoker (in other words, we are probably not marrying each other). We went to the bookstore, and I sort of followed him around, taking his suggestion, and I picked up books that I would not otherwise have picked up on my own, because he went to the poetry section. I picked up one book about children’s literature, for instance, and it mentioned something I had long forgotten, ‘The Piper at the Gates of Dawn,’ from ‘The Wind in the Willows.’

I started thinking about stories again. I thought about JK Rowling in particular. She’s typed as an ESE by some people, and I think I finally agree with that typing. I had this idea that sensors are incapable of writing any interesting fiction, so she couldn’t be a sensor.

I thought about what exactly JK Rowling had done that met such a universal need, so that she sold millions of books to all types of people everywhere, in many different languages. So many people were satisfied by her books, which means the books spoke to some kind of universal need.

I wondered about what fantasy I myself needed to play out in a fiction story. I thought about the fantasies that I used to play with toys when I was younger. I stopped playing because I had this feeling that I wanted something which I was incapable of creating by myself. I wanted the characters to go out and discover the unknown, to have adventures, to see unfamiliar things, to explore new worlds where everything was totally different in surprising, unforeseeable, unthinkable ways. But because they are unthinkable, I myself could not create them, and therefore was always bored with my own creations. Somebody else needed to think the unthinkable, to give me a storyline, or else it was as boring as talking to myself.

When I was thinking about this the other night I thought about the beauty of other ethnic groups and about how they are not portrayed in movies as often as white people. So in the new world that I was imagining, there were only black people, and nothing but black people. There were no white people anywhere on the planet, so white people could not be used for any of the characters. This had happened because the tectonic plates had moved differently, causing all the continents to be closer to the equator, in a more tropical zone, and there were no polar continents. (Pale skinned people evolved when people moved away from the equator.) There were only continents and islands clustered near the equator, all the way around the world.

All the heroes were black, and all the villains were black; all the masters were black, and all the slaves were black; the murderers and the victims, the geniuses and the morons, all were black; the characters you love, and the characters you hate, were all black, every single one of them, and there was no other option – you were forced to love and accept black people, and every character in the story absolutely had to be black.

Focusing on the beauty of one particular ethnic group, deliberately, in the creation of the story world, in such a way that you could not avoid it, could not say that this had happened by mere chance, that somehow I had accidentally written a fiction story containing nothing but black people by mere chance – that is what I was imagining.

However, since I am a white American, my black people would probably be like a bunch of white people dressed up as black people. I don’t know anything that uniquely represents black culture. I know nothing about Africa. I see Africa as this place filled with diseases and parasites and wars. I know the war isn’t their fault – they are being provoked and egged on by the constant interventions of the USA. But still, I see Africa as someplace to avoid at all costs. I have no knowledge of business and economics in Africa, except I know that there are scam artists in Nigeria, and pirates in Somalia, and moneychangers in Zimbabwe.

I wouldn’t want to write every single story using only black people – that was just one possible concept that I was imagining.

I thought about Jim Henson. He created puppets that interacted with real humans in the real world. He wasn’t sitting alone writing a story. Instead, he made his puppets talk to people. Some people talk to them in a disdainful way, but other people talk to them nicely as though they are real people. You can find ‘cool people’ that way, by noticing who is capable of talking nicely to your puppet. His creations were interactive, improvisational. He didn’t write all the stories himself, but instead, he had hundreds of people helping him write The Muppets and Sesame Street and everything else he created. It was like playing with toys in a gigantic interactive improvisational fantasy session.

What storyline do we feel the need to act out? What issues do we need to resolve in the fantasy play? When children play, they do it to resolve some kind of psychological issue. What issues do people relate to so strongly in the work of JK Rowling?

I was imagining a group of people who had built their homes in The Waterfields. They built homes on top of the ocean, with interconnected pathways floating on the water. But I could not resolve the technical issue of how they cope with rogue waves. I’ve thought about that many times. Any civilization built on top of the ocean must be able to withstand occasional, inevitable huge waves. Would they have a wave warning system that would tell them before the waves got there? Would all their houses be fully immersible? Would people just hear the alarm and dive into the nearest house if they were outdoors when the waves were coming? Or would they predict them many hours in advance? How would people protect their belongings? It then gradually became a metaphor for the boom and bust cycles of the economy, caused by the government’s paper money system.

(Yes, I have been having an attack of mania.)

The people in the Waterfields were harvesting fish and other creatures from large complex underwater structures with a large surface area for growing coral and seaweed. The fish clustered around these structures and could easily be caught and eaten. There is so much surface area within the ocean, so many cubic miles of it, hundreds and hundreds of cubic miles, in which large complex structures can be built, with enormous surface area covered in corals. The ocean – we have barely even scratched the surface of it.

I was reading about fish the other day, when I was reading about fatty acids and which kinds of fish have the most omega-3. Fish are monsters. Have you ever looked at any of the deep water fish? They are these disgusting, terrifying, ancient creatures, as foreign and unfamiliar and monstrous and alien as any sci-fi monster, and yet they are real. Just google ‘deep sea fish,’ and look at all the horrible pictures!
Look at this one:

some kind of monstrous-looking fish

When you write a fiction story, there are always weaknesses and distortions of the universe. For instance, when I read Harry Potter or watch the movies, I often think to myself that actually, if this really happened, there would be a lot more ‘hackers,’ people who were using a combination of advanced magic and Muggle technology to create devices and weapons and other things, people who wrote long, complex magical ‘programs.’ The author has to somehow explain why this isn’t happening. It has to be accounted for somehow, otherwise it’s just a gigantic hole in the universe. Why isn’t anybody hacking? Why isn’t this phenomenon important enough for us to ever look at and focus on in the books, if it is going on anywhere in the world? There will always be some undeveloped part of the world that gets left out of the books, some giant loophole, some implausibility, some weakness. If it had really happened, Voldemort would have been much more powerful and much more lethal and much more competent than he was in the books. He would have been stealing nuclear missiles from the Muggle world and enchanting them and causing mass genocides of Muggles.

But books for children have to be not too scary. The villains are easily defeated. This was something I liked about Jim Henson, his not-too-scary, wimpy, easily defeated villains, people who are sort of pathetic and contemptible and not really scary, not like real villains.

Even in spite of the giant loopholes and weaknesses, millions of people around the world still love Harry Potter. And so, if she can do it, then why am I so ashamed of my own fiction stories’ weaknesses and loopholes? Isn’t there any universal human need that I could speak to, while people overlooked the weaknesses?

I want to build simulations, like video games, like The Sims and Roller Coaster Tycoon, some world where the living creatures are all just going about their business, buying and selling things and eating food and associating with each other. I want to build a living system. The world behind it all is also a living part of the story. Ayn Rand said that the economic system, the entire world, was a living character that had to be developed in order for her to write Atlas Shrugged. She had to be constantly aware of everything that was going on in this ‘character.’

The world of the story will contain some systematic flaws, distortions, changed rules – some kind of magic. How can it be that something implausible is able to happen? How is John Galt able to convince those men to leave their businesses and join him? Why isn’t this happening in reality? There’s something implausible about it, something in the human nature, which was changed in Atlas Shrugged, to make the magic of the story. Something about men’s characters was not what it is in the real world. They were motivated by things that do not motivate them strongly enough in the real world. How is it that waving a wand is able to make objects move and make other things happen in Harry Potter? Something in human bodies was changed, some rule of genetics and how human bodies work.

Some stories have animals that walk around and talk. Jim Henson’s muppets were sort of like animals. What would you do if you saw a muppet walking around without anybody operating it? The people in the movies and TV shows behaved as though they were not really surpised to see an unnatural-looking pig and frog walking around on their hind legs and talking. It was as though muppets were just an unusual minority ethnic group, something that, maybe, people had heard of, but didn’t see very often, but weren’t all that surprised about. People didn’t scream and run away. People didn’t try to kill them. People didn’t act horrified. People didn’t examine them to see how the magic trick was being done. Instead, they just talked to them, and occasionally made references to the fact that this was a ‘talking frog’ and that talking frogs were slightly unusual, but not miraculous, not astounding, not life-changing. People’s lack of surprise at the sight of the muppets was one of the ‘rules’ that was altered in Jim Henson’s world.

In the recent Muppets movie, the character figures out that he is a muppet. He was born in a normal human family, but always felt different, and when he saw the muppets on TV, he figured out that he was one, so he went in search of them. They then had to overcome their despair, the despair they felt after the early death of Jim Henson, when there was nobody left to bring them to life anymore. Then they had to battle a silly, easily-defeated villain, together. There was also a ‘journey’ theme, going someplace far away, which occurs in some of the muppet movies, and also in my own fantasies, traveling and seeing new things and new people and new places, discovering new lands.

I imagined that my people were on a journey to go find the Book of Myths, so that they could find out how their story ended. It was a little bit like the spoof, ‘Harvey Putter and the Ridiculous Premise.’ They realized they were in a story, and something needed to be done about that. Similar to ‘The Neverending Story,’ too. They went to find the Book of Myths so that they could predict how their story was going to end. But it turned out that the Book of Myths was actually an enormous library filled with thousands of books which were being constantly written, added to, and maintained by a team of monks. It wasn’t just one single book. So they were lost in the library of myths and couldn’t find their answer. They had to pull a book off the shelf at random, and then try to use something it contained.

What is magic? Can you even define it? After reading Ayn Rand and being brainwashed by Objectivism, I went for a while believing that it was ‘bad’ to write and read magical fantasy books. Objectivists don’t like those. But I have loved magical fantasy since I was a child. And if I am being honest with myself, honest about who I am, then I would have to admit that I’ve always wanted to write a fantasy fiction story with magic in it. I wouldn’t feel right if my story weren’t magical. I grew up reading JRR Tolkien and others like him.

What is magic? What kind of magic would I use in the story? What strange things would be taken for granted as normal? Animals walking around talking? People waving their hands and making things move without touching them? Psychic powers? Alternate universes that we can enter into by walking through a mirror?

When I was a teenager, my fiction stories were filled with images that I had taken from my dreams at night. But now, my dreams have changed, because of the mind control attacks. My dreams in the past were fake, too, but they used to be much more enjoyable and interesting than they are now. They used to be great, long, complex adventure stories. I loved them, especially if they involved a team of people on a mission feeling camaraderie. They were traveling someplace new and unfamiliar, to accomplish some great purpose (I don’t know what), battling against evil, always in danger, seeing new and beautiful and amazing things, and bonding with each other, and falling in love.

I could write a story with easily defeated villains. The mind controllers are actually a bunch of wimps, who don’t have a lot of resources. We can defeat them so that they stop attacking people for a very long time. It will be hundreds of years before anybody ever secretly attacks people’s minds again, because we’ve written a new Constitution that forbids it. In this distorted universe, the rules have been changed – people are not the way they are in real life – they obey the Constitution. The government has been shrunk down enough that everybody has more resources and fewer taxes and more free time to do things besides work to pay the rent. So everyone is able to accomplish other personal goals and fix the world.

(A noteworthy thing that is missing from the world of JK Rowling:  television and video games.  Only Muggles waste hours and hours watching TV and playing video games.  Wizards do not.  They have no equivalent in the wizarding world.  They listen to the radio sometimes, that’s all.  They go to sporting events, and they play chess and other games that involve human interaction.  The wizarding world seems to be in a state of technology from a few hundred years ago during a sort of golden age.)

I could make a vision of peace, after the mind controllers have been defeated. But, suddenly, the attacks are starting again, after having been quiet for a while – just like the defeat of Voldemort. People are in denial that the mind controllers are really starting up again. We defeated them for good, and our Constitution says that nobody is allowed to attack other people’s brains. Now, we have to convince people that our freedom is being threatened again, and we have to stop them before they take over, like they had done in the past, before the great war of free will.

Or maybe, our free will zone is a bubble in a world which is mostly enslaved. But people are starting to invade our bubble of freedom. The last great bastion of free will is being threatened.

I could mix magic with technology, so that some people had psychic powers, and some people were using technology. This could symbolically represent the fact that, in real life, some people really are gifted with special powers that make them different from other people. That is something people can relate to, being gifted and being different.

I don’t know what I would do, but anyway, I was thinking of my fiction story, of the world that I wanted to build, of my simulation. I know this is from my mania, and it will fade when the mania is gone. But it does not fade completely. It is something that I still might need to do.

contaminated again

March 11, 2013

11:26 PM 3/11/2013

I just noticed that I’m having another manic reaction associated with the rain. I had forgotten: my bike handgrips are contaminated with drug residue, which is why I have them partly covered with plastic and tape. One of the plastic covers started to come off, so I covered it with some more plastic grocery bags and tape, so one handgrip is taped thicker than the other one. They look awful, and sometimes I get embarrassed about them. But I did it to stop them from contaminating my hands over and over again. I had ridden the bike after handling contaminated objects, and ruined the handgrips. There is no easy way to wash them off with large amounts of hot running water and soap. Even the car wash doesn’t really have a hose of hot water that I can use on it. The closest thing they have is a car rug shampooer, which just puts out a lot of foam, which is mostly dry. And, based on my past experience, I don’t expect washing it to be effective at getting rid of the residues completely. I could run scalding hot soapy fresh water over it for hours, and it would not wash away the residues enough to completely stop me from reacting to them. They are not completely soluble, but soluble enough to cause a reaction every time it rains and the handgrips get wet. I don’t know of any place where I can get large amounts of hot running water, unless I bring my bike indoors at the one laundromat where they have a big sink, and I’d have to do that when nobody was around. Ugh. That would be another big pain in the ass project.

I had forgotten all about this ‘it rains and I get a manic attack’ phenomenon, because all winter long, I wasn’t having any manic attacks. It wasn’t raining, just snowing, so nothing really got wet, and I’ve been wearing boots, so I’m not having reactions to the contaminated soil. But I’m definitely having a reaction today. So now I have to worry about not doing anything stupid. I was fine for months, and now I have to deal with this all over again.

It’s going to be raining for the next couple days. I can’t wait until this decon is over.

some more reasons why I am opposed to long-term vitamin use

March 11, 2013

1:11 PM 3/11/2013

Another reason why I am opposed to relying on vitamin pills for long-term use:

You might believe it’s okay to eat a very unhealthy diet overall, and then just take a vitamin pill to fix it. That’s exactly what I’m doing right now, except that I don’t believe it’s okay and don’t intend to do it for the long term.

People have beliefs about ‘overnourishment’ or ‘overnutrition’ in our society. I remember reading someone who countered the Weston Price argument by claiming that everyone in primitive tribes was malnourished, as in, calorically malnourished, and that’s why they had no cavities – they just never ate food, and food causes cavities, therefore they got cavities as soon as they became ‘overnourished’ (or whatever was the word he used) when they began to eat a modern diet. This is a very oversimplified understanding of nutrition and cavities. You can eat as much food as you want every day, eat tons and tons of food, eat constantly, but never have a single cavity, as long as you eat the right foods and as long as you have enough real nourishment, real vitamins and minerals. Eating, as such, is not what causes cavities. It’s eating particular foods combined with malnourishment, a shortage of vitamins and minerals, in foods that are lacking nutrient density, empty calories.

My parents believed that taking vitamins was pointless because they would all go down the drain. My nutrition teacher said something similar. She said that vitamins were poorly absorbed from pills, and it was much better to get them from food. I have always agreed with this; however, now that I am using a vitamin pill, reluctantly, I am immediately seeing some differences, and it’s clear that at least some of it is being absorbed. My teeth are getting stronger, even though I am still drinking Coke. I am doing exactly what I said above: continuing to live the unhealthy lifestyle and eating the unhealthy diet, but popping a pill to magically make it all better. I’m still drinking Coke, but my cavities are getting stronger. They don’t hurt as badly.

My cavities normally don’t hurt. When I’m only drinking coffee with cream, they don’t hurt. If I drink a lot of black coffee, then I notice progress of the decay, and they hurt more, and my teeth feel demineralized.

Another thing I wanted to mention, before I forget about it, is that I’m opposed to multivitamin/mineral pills because you can get a toxic overdose of metals. I don’t like to take this particular pill every single day, because it has minerals in it. A few times, I have noticed a feeling of ‘craziness.’ It is mild, but I am paying attention to it. The feeling of craziness probably comes from the manganese, I’m guessing.

I noticed problems in the past when I would eat one of those energy bars from the convenience store. I would wake up with tremors in my hands the next morning, which is a sign of an overdose of some mineral. I did research to find out which minerals caused tremors as a toxicity effect, and manganese was the one that I thought was most likely to be doing it, and I think I also suspected chromium. You do need small amounts of trace minerals, but the amounts vary between individuals, and it’s possible to overdose on them pretty easily.

Ever since I started taking these vitamin pills, I’ve been having a runny nose almost constantly. (Incidentally, that’s the reason why I felt the need to pick my nose the other day, when I got the nosebleed – my nose is much runnier and snottier than it normally is. Normally, I have almost no mucus at all, all year long, even in the winter.) I wish I could find the research article that explains the reason why vitamin pills cause a histamine reaction. They contain some chemical like histidine which is a precursor of histamine, or something.

Oh yeah, anyway, I was saying that my parents, and my nutrition teacher, were skeptical about the use of pills, partly because a lot of it goes down the drain – it just gets excreted from your body without ever being absorbed. Absorbing vitamins and minerals requires particular conditions which are unique to each vitamin and mineral. For instance, iron is more easily absorbed if it is eaten along with Vitamin C. But vitamin C slows down the absorption of some other mineral, and I forget which one – maybe magnesium? So you wouldn’t absorb the maximum amount of both of those minerals at the same time.

I’m a little concerned about the inclusion of some minerals in the vitamins such as copper. Copper is something that we tend to get too much of already. It’s in our water pipes, and so we have ‘copper supplements’ every time we take a drink of tap water. Too much copper makes people go crazy.

Many forms of craziness are caused by heavy metals. I believe that crazy artists were crazy because the paints they were using contained toxic minerals to make the bright colors. Those minerals then went through their skin when they touched the paints and pastels and other media, or else they ate small amounts of them after touching them. I think they go directly through the skin. They also inhale some chemicals from the solvents used in paints and other stuff. Those chemicals and minerals are the reason why artists are crazy. Some pigments are safer than others.

Anyway, I’m looking more closely at my anti-vitamin beliefs. I’m wondering why I am so strongly opposed to the use of vitamin pills. ‘It goes down the drain, therefore it’s a waste of money’ is what I was working on. They assume that we are overnourished. That’s what my parents used to believe. They would say, ‘Oh, nowadays everything is fortified, so it’s impossible to get malnutrition from eating a modern diet.’ They didn’t bother to distinguish between more and less nutrient dense food choices. In reality, the only things that are fortified are: 1. flour, 2. milk, and 3. breakfast cereals. A couple other things are fortified, like baby food. But my parents both believed that it was very easy to get 100% of the RDA of everything just because ‘all foods’ are fortified. They assumed that the RDA is enough.

‘The RDA is enough’ is one of those controversial things. Weston Price found that primitive tribes were getting much, much more of the fat-soluble vitamins (A, D, E, and K) every day than we do, and they were getting more than that RDA. Their bodies were much healthier, which suggests that, at least for those vitamins, the RDA might not be high enough.

However, my nutrition teacher cautioned against the idea that ‘more is better.’ She said that people who took vitamin pills might take super-high dosages, dangerously high dosages, believing that they had some magical ability to ward off colds, for instance, vitamin C. I myself have accidentally taken super-high dosages of vitamin C and had toxicity from it. I was drinking these lemonade juice boxes, and each one was fortified with 100% of the RDA of vitamin C, and I was drinking, like, I dunno, four or five boxes of them a day. I got this rash all over my entire body, red itchy lumps over every single inch of my skin. It went away instantly as soon as I stopped drinking those juice boxes. Vitamin C toxicity causes rash.

People believe that water soluble vitamins are safe in any amounts because supposedly they are easily excreted. However, they aren’t excreted fast enough to be perfectly safe. You can get permanent nerve damage from vitamin B6, even though it is a water soluble vitamin. I even knew a lady who had this happen. She was prescribed huge megadoses of B6 for menstrual cramps, and it gave her permanent nerve damage, so that she isn’t able to speak clearly or move easily anymore. She has problems with her hands and her mouth movements. She didn’t used to be that way.

Anyway, the RDA might actually not be high enough for some vitamins, and WP’s observations of the healthy primitives suggests that we need more of the fat soluble vitamins than we are getting.

The RDA might be *too high* for other vitamins and minerals, depending on the person.

People might not drink enough water to quickly excrete all their water soluble vitamins. People might be drinking too much caffeine and too many sugary drinks, which do not provide enough water to flush out the water soluble vitamins. When I was drinking those juice boxes, I wasn’t drinking a lot of just plain water to flush out the vitamin C.

I was going to say something, and I forgot what it was, and I’m struggling to remember what it was. (Darn it, I still haven’t remembered.)

My parents thought that vitamins were unnecessary, a waste of money, because everything was already fortified, and it was easy to get the RDA of everything just by eating any random foods at all, even junk foods. Junk foods like cookies are made with fortified white flour. However, they are fortified with only a couple vitamins, and only in very small amounts. If I recall correctly, it’s just a couple of B vitamins, and maybe a tiny bit of iron, I’m not sure. It’s nowhere near the RDA. That doesn’t mean that junk food is healthy. It doesn’t mean that you will be just as healthy eating a bag of fortified cookies as you would be if you ate (properly prepared) fresh grains without all the sugar and artificial flavorings and soybean oil and everything else in the cookies. I myself would like to eat a diet without grain, but I am not saying that grains are entirely inedible for everyone. I agree with Weston Price that they have to be properly processed to make them digestible. Anyway, a properly processed fresh whole grain will have many more nutrients than the same amount of fortified white flour would. It has other nutrients besides just the four-or-so vitamins that the government requires them to add.

There’s also the idea of unknown vitamins. There really aren’t any unknown minerals – we have the periodic table, and it’s unlikely that we are suffering from a deficiency of Unnilquadium or something, so, basically, we already know all the minerals that exist that our bodies could theoretically need trace amounts of. They have theorized that we need at least a few tiny molecules of everything, even toxic metals like lead and nickel, just once in a while, only a tiny bit.

But vitamins are complex organic molecules. It’s hard to distinguish between essential vitamins, versus ‘helpful’ organic molecules. Some things might be beneficial for us to have, but are not essential vitamins. I suspect that we ‘steal’ hormones and hormone precursors and enzymes by eating the bodies of animals. Animal hormones do affect humans. We can use porcine insulin. We react to beef thyroid which accidentally gets into ground beef occasionally – when that happens, it causes people to have severe insomnia, among other things. Animal hormones work for us. But they are not a ‘vitamin.’ They are something that we can ‘steal’ which saves us from the effort of having to make those things. However, when we eat them, we get a big dose all at once, and it might be wasted rather than stored. Our glands need to save them and store them for the time when they’re needed, and they save them in the form of an inactive precursor molecule, if I understand correctly, rather than the active molecule. I don’t know enough about how glands work.

Anyway, although I’m a bit skeptical about the miracle of antioxidants, still, those are a non-vitamin complex organic molecule found only in plants and not in pills (although nowadays they are making pills intended to give you antioxidants, often pills containing a concentrated plant extract of some kind). And we don’t know about all the different phytonutrients that exist. There are infinity of them.

I guess there is a belief that we just really don’t need a lot of vitamins and minerals, and don’t really benefit from getting more of them. We need just barely enough to stay alive, they think, and that’s good enough. But a person with an unexplained chronic illness would be more aware of anything that could possibly be making the illness worse, and that is why I am interested in nutrition. I have had fatigue for a very long time.

It’s going to rain today, and I’m not happy about it. I looked at it on the weather map. I can see it. The clouds are getting thicker. Last night, I *felt* the barometric pressure dropping like a rock. When that happens, I get this feeling in my head like my head is expanding outwards just a bit. It’s a weird dizzy sort of feeling. It dropped so fast that I could actually feel the change in pressure, and it happened quite a few times last night. The wind was blowing my new plastic tent cover, which is loud and crackly. The regular tarp that I have on the tent is heavy enough that it doesn’t blow around and crackle very much, but this lightweight plastic liner that I have over it now (because it’s cheap) is constantly making noise in the slightest breeze. It’s a plastic drop cloth meant to cover the floor when you’re painting.

I wonder if all the crackling will scare away my chipmunks and the mouse. The mouse has already lived under my tent all winter. My tent is built on top of a pile of sticks and logs, so there is space underneath it that I assume the mouse is living in. The chipmunks were crawling all around under there too the other day, making lots of noise, talking to each other in squirrel talk, and moving around right under the tent so that I could actually feel them through the floor in some places. I was actually touching the squirrels and they didn’t know it. I don’t know if there is a difference between ground squirrels and chipmunks. I guess ground squirrels have a squirrel-like tail, but just smaller and thinner than the big tree squirrels. Chipmunks have a tiny short little stub of a tail. I should look them up online to see what they are. I don’t know exactly what was crawling around under me talking in squirrel talk, but there were two of them. I never saw them.

I need to do some more work on the tent. I need to continue cleaning out everything that I’m getting rid of. There is now a whole winter’s worth of miscellaneous trash in here. Once again, I am feeling the pain of the decon, where I have to start getting rid of things and making sacrifices. But this is the last one, if all goes well. This will be the soil decon, where I move off the contaminated soil so that I stop getting it on my shoes. It will have to be carefully planned and coordinated when I make the final changes. Right now, I just need to start cleaning out more stuff from the tent. A lot of my stuff has been ruined by water, but I was usually careful to protect the stuff that I really wanted to keep. Some stuff is kind of expensive or unique (for instance, spiral notebooks with journals in them, or computer disks, or the passport that I got last year), and I’ve tried to protect that stuff more carefully. I have everything in bags, but when tons of water comes directly through the roof of the tent, everything gets ruined if it’s in the wrong place. So far, nothing really important has been ruined.

But for some reason, the fact that the weather is kind of chilly, and it’s going to rain, makes me unwilling to work, even though I have caffeine in my tent and have been (obviously) drinking it this morning (which is why I’m writing a very long blog), and even though I can do the work while sitting here inside the tent instead of going outside. I just don’t like it that it’s cloudy and cool. All I want to do is stay in bed, still.

I know it will get warmer soon. But time is of the essence. I don’t want to keep waiting any longer. It’s above freezing. It’s been above freezing most of the time for a few days now. It’s been above freezing at night, too. I want to work when it’s above freezing and staying that way. It could still freeze at night, and the days are still chilly and cloudy. I never really noticed just how cloudy it is for how long, at this time of year, but it’s terrible. It’s nothing but clouds for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks, and it never ends. We had a sunny day yesterday, and that was when I got a little bit of work done.

Also, I don’t want to take showers when it’s cold and freezing overnight, and that’s probably the main reason why I am postponing the decon until the weather gets warm and the nights are above freezing. My dreadlocks stay wet for a long time. After a shower, they are damp for an entire day. If it’s cold outside, then I freeze with wet hair. I don’t want to go to sleep with wet hair when it’s below freezing. I mostly avoided showering in the winter – I just took partial baths in the sink, without wetting my hair. But for the decon, I need to shower several times in a row, over and over again, frequently, during several parts of the process.

But there is no logical reason why I can’t work today – and yet, I can’t, because it’s chilly and cloudy. I really hate this.

Oh well, if all I’m going to do is complain about the weather, then I should stop writing and do something else.

Dr. Gay cures baby of AIDS virus – but did the baby ever have the virus to begin with?

March 10, 2013

I read this news story, and I swear I can’t find the sentence where they say, outright, straightforwardly, that the baby was eventually tested for AIDS and proven to have it in the first place.

There are a few sentences where they kind of *hint* or dance around the idea of possibly testing the baby to find out for sure, but they never really come out and say that she was tested and she had it.

“The child’s mother had not received any prenatal care, nor had she gotten any treatment for her HIV infection, putting the baby at high risk of becoming infected.” (but was she infected?)

“Dr. Gay chose to start the baby on the full treatment regimen of three potent drugs when she was just 30 hours old, even before the child’s infection was confirmed.” (but was it ever confirmed?)

“‘The doctor made a judgment call that the risks for this baby were so high that they were going to assume the baby was infected,’ said Dr. Anthony Fauci…” (but was she?)

“‘This was a gutsy call that turned out to be correct,’ said Fauci, adding that if it had turned out that the baby was not infected, they could have withdrawn the drugs. ‘They made the right guess.’ (but it never really said directly that she was tested and found to have AIDS.)

“Dr. Gay continued to treat the child until January 2012, when she was 18 months old and her mother stopped bringing the child in for appointments. Gay’s team tracked her down in the fall of 2012, but the mother had not given her child any HIV medication since January.”

“Before restarting treatment, Gay did several tests, fully expecting that the virus had come roaring back. But none of the tests detected the virus.” (I still never saw anything that directly said she was ever tested in the first place. It was only hinted at. It almost sounds like she just did a treatment for many months without ever even testing the baby AT ALL.)

Another news source makes it more clear:

“Tests showed the virus in the Mississippi baby’s blood continued to decrease and reached undetectable levels within 29 days of the initial treatment.”

Edited again:

I think I might have been right the first time. I just read this on another source. They could not know for sure if they baby had the virus, because, according to this source, there is no way to accurately know.

“…there is not an accurate test for babies, as they usually carry their mother’s antibodies to HIV until about 18 months.”

So maybe I was right when I got the feeling that they were sort of dancing around the question of whether or not the baby ever definitely had HIV for sure.

The fear of God’s wrath got me out of bed today.

March 10, 2013

1:52 PM 3/10/2013

The weather is getting warm enough that I can do some outdoor cleanup work, which I have been desperately needing to do.

I slept all day yesterday. I had requested weekends off because I had wanted to start doing some kind of group activity on the weekends, maybe something with Everything that happens, socially, is done on the evenings and weekends, the very times when I used to work. So I changed my schedule to have evenings and weekends off. I plan to do some things with and the Unitarian Universalist church, but it is starting off slowly, as I struggle to recover from my chronic fatigue, malnutrition, and winter hibernation.

I took a multivitamin/mineral pill today and yesterday. Already I am having the side effects of the vitamins: my nose is constantly running and sniffling, I have some mild constipation (but not badly), I have arthritis in my hands all of a sudden, and I have peripheral neuralgia – pins and needles in my hands, but only briefly and occasionally. Vitamin B6 toxicity causes nerve damage, so I am paying close attention to any symptoms of neuralgia (if that’s the right word – I’m not online so I can’t look it up).

This morning I was debating how I would get up and do my cleaning work. I have wanted so badly to withdraw completely from caffeine, but I am still using it as my treatment for chronic fatigue. If I don’t use it, I still will sleep helplessly all day long for many days in a row. Even when I’m taking vitamins, I still stay in bed all day.

So I was trying to figure out how I would get myself up without using caffeine. I decided that I would just do it the way I had done it many times in the past: go down the mountain, get some caffeine in various forms at Sheetz, along with my breakfast, and walk back up the mountain and then do the work. It’s tiring to go down and come back up again, but I’ve done it that way before and it turns out okay. It was warm outside today and yesterday, and I didn’t want to miss my chance to do the work before it got cold and rainy again.

I desperately needed to cover my tent better. It rained a couple weeks ago. It was like snow and sleet changing to rain. It all piled up on my tent, and the rain made a big pool on the tarp, and because the tent is partly collapsed, it was leaning down enough that the pool of water on the tarp poured directly into the tent through the vent on top. A bunch of my stuff got soaked, but I’m used to that by now; however, I would strongly prefer it not to happen. I can still sleep in the sleeping bags when they are damp, believe it or not. You will read in many places that synthetic fabrics still provide warmth even when they are wet, and I have (unwillingly) tested this and found it to be true. A wet sleeping bag is still warm.

So I got some plastic stuff to cover my tent better. I finally put it on today. And it started to rain just a little bit shortly after I put it on, so it was a ‘good call.’

I also needed to clean up the bags of poop – yet another unpleasant subject that I usually don’t talk about. During the winter, when it was 15 degrees F outside, I wasn’t going to go outside the tent when I had to go to the bathroom. I don’t usually have to have a bowel movement urgently when I’m at the tent, but it sometimes happens, especially if I am drinking caffeine, which triggers the bowels to move. So there were a bunch of bags sitting on the ground outside. I had used plastic garbage bags when I urgently had to go to the bathroom inside the tent when it was freezing outside. I needed to clean up all those bags, and I wanted to do it today. I did finally get it done. Now I just have to take the bags of garbage down the mountain.

So I did all this by cheating, by going down the mountain, getting a burger at Sheetz, and getting some coffee and two liters of Coke, and then walking back up the mountain while it was still sunny and warm, before the rain began. I could see that the rain was coming. There was a large, dark line of clouds in the west moving towards us.

But I had still been lying in bed trying to sleep and debating on and off how I was going to get myself up, this morning, and McDonald’s called. I didn’t answer. Immediately I felt ashamed and terrified. I had requested off on weekends partly so that I could go to church, but as of right now, I haven’t yet managed to get up early enough on Sundays to go to church, although I could still go to their evening service tonight, which I am planning to try to do, if all goes well. I had called off sick a couple times in February, and I was really sick, but I thought it seemed as though I was calling off just for fun so that I could go do stuff with my friends, when in reality, all that I did was lie in bed on those days when I called off – I wasn’t faking, but I thought they would think I was. It seemed like I was calling off sick so that I could be off on the days that I had wanted to be off, during the time when I was still waiting for the new schedule to begin – it takes a couple weeks before you can get a new schedule, so it seemed as though I was taking those days off ‘by force,’ instead of waiting for the new schedule.

That’s why it upset me so much when I got the call from them today. I haven’t even listened to their voice message yet. They are calling for help because they are busy and they need someone, and they were hoping I would be able to come in. Probably the students are all coming back from spring break, and they are extremely busy, and people are probably calling off sick too, because diseases always go around when the students are traveling and coming back to town all at once, bringing their exotic germs from faraway places. (Yes, I finally listened to the voicemail. They have only two people – a new guy, and a manager – after 7:00 tonight. They’re screwed. A bunch of people called off sick.)

Because of that unanswered call, I got out of bed. I don’t want to be a liar. I said that I was off on Sundays so that I could go to church, but so far, I haven’t gone. I had to at least get up and do *something* today, something that would make it worthwhile for me to be away from work, some reason why I could not come in. That is why I got up, used a ton of caffeine (which is why I am now writing prolifically), and cleaned up the mess outside the tent and put a new piece of plastic over the tent.

Now I am planning to get down the mountain again so that I can try to attend the evening service at UU. I forget exactly what time it starts, and I will have to look it up online again.

Knowing socionics helps me understand my reaction to the church. There are a lot of things being done that use my weak socionic functions. Lots of people seem to be EIE conflictors. They are the friendly, outgoing, welcoming people, people who make an effort to be cheerful and friendly to everybody on principle. This is a sincere behavior, but in the past, when I didn’t know about personality types, I might have viewed it as fake, insincere, or shallow. I know now that that is who they are, and they are being themselves, and this is a good thing, and that everybody needs to feel welcomed and appreciated in a social group sometimes, including a hermit like me. I need what they are doing.

One guy, an EIE conflictor, is central to a lot of the church activities, and he makes them ‘fun.’ When he’s not there, it’s a lot less fun. And I can’t even describe exactly what he does and says that makes everything more fun. It’s just not the same without him. This is an essential social role, something that I myself cannot do. Knowing about personality types helps me appreciate this more, and it also explains to me why I feel that I need something else which I’m not getting.

I need duals, and haven’t found them yet, although I did recently encounter a male activator (EII) in town, and we spent a few hours together talking. He was an older man, and he had an effeminate voice, and effeminate interests, and was reading books written by females, books about religion and poetry – I could easily imagine that he was a woman trapped in a man’s body. He was interested in handmade primitive musical instruments, and he had a couple of wooden flutes that he showed me. He had a book about Frida Kahlo, the Mexican artist who painted self-portraits which honestly showed her mustache and her connected eyebrows. Most people try to ‘fix’ themselves or ‘photoshop’ themselves if there is something ‘undesirable’ in their image, but she didn’t – she showed the exact things that are typically viewed as signs of ugliness, and made them into a unique beauty, which agrees with how I myself feel about the female mustache and unibrows and every other type of hair. I’ve seen that she was typed as a SLI personality, like myself. I liked her as soon as I saw her. In every photo, she has a blank facial expression. She seems strong. But I don’t remember how it was that I first encountered her and discovered that she existed. I saw her on the internet, but I don’t remember the context that led me to her.

Anyway, I know that going to social groups is good for me, and yet it’s not all that I need. But I sincerely wanted to try doing something social, and that’s why I requested to have the weekends and evenings off. I really meant it. And so I was terrified when McD called me today to ask me to work, when I still am struggling with the exhaustion, still struggling to get out of bed, and still haven’t gone to the Sunday morning service yet.

This evening will be the first service that I go to. If all goes well, I should be able to get there. I went to the Darwin’s Day event. I managed to get to the Freethought meetup’s ‘Skeptical Eating and Drinking’ night, this Thursday.

Oh, yeah, about that. I went to The Tavern restaurant for the first time. I didn’t drink alchohol. Not everyone did, just a couple of people. But I ordered an appetizer. I decided to try the Clams Casino. They were broiled clams with this spicy breaded stuffing on top of them. The stuffing was good. However, the clams were so chewy, it was like I had ordered a plate full of chewing gum. I could not eat them. I spent about ten minutes chewing the first clam, which I had put into my mouth whole (big mistake). It was hard to talk around the clam. I wasn’t involved in any lively conversations at that moment, so it was okay, but still. After I finally broke up the clam enough to swallow the bits and pieces of it, I decided to try chopping up the next one with my butterknife. So I spent a couple minutes preparing the clam by chopping it into the tiniest possible pieces. I ate a couple of these tiny pieces. They got caught in my teeth, which was uncomfortable. After sitting there with a piece of chewy clam caught in my teeth for a few minutes, I stealthily pulled it out with my fingernail when nobody was looking.

I finally mentioned this to the guy across the table. He told me that he suspected that you were supposed to just swallow the clams whole. Now that I thought about it, I realized he was probably right. I’d heard of that before. However, I have a very small mouth and a small throat. I can’t swallow pills. I have to get a mouthful of food, and after chewing it up, put the pill in amongst the food, and then swallow it, or else the pill catches in my throat. I believe this is a Weston Price skull deformity, the small throat. After I left, I googled it to find out why the clams were chewy. They said it’s because they’re overcooked. If you have big, fully grown clams, then you have to cook them lightly to prevent them from becoming chewy. I’ve always eaten baby clams before, not fully grown large clams like these ones. Or else I ate clams that were already chopped up, like in clam sauce.

Going to this Freethought meetup has made me more aware of pseudoreligious belief systems. I’ve become more aware of the Diet As Religion belief system. People who consciously choose a particular special diet will passionately advocate that diet as the best one there is, and believe that everyone else using every other diet is going to hell. It’s just like a religion. It’s not just a conflict between vegetarians and meat eaters, either. There are other minor conflicts between different groups using variations of the Paleo Diet and the Weston Price diet, for instance. Some Paleo Dieters (not all) have chosen a lowfat diet, while the Weston Price dieters believe in eating more fat.

There are dietary beliefs that are unthinkable, unquestionable. People often find it unthinkable to imagine that plants could ever be bad for you. They have been taught that there is no limit to the amount of fruits and vegetables that you can eat, that no harm can ever be done by any amount of fruits and vegetables, that there can be absolutely no health problems ever caused by fruits and vegetables.

But the Feingold Diet taught me that fruits and vegetables contain salicylates, and that some people – not everyone – have difficulty metabolizing salicylates. This made me aware that plants contain poisons, and it led me to be more aware of the dangers and side effects of eating plants. Plants don’t want to be eaten. They don’t offer themselves up for human consumption. They are fighting back against us and against all the other animals that try to eat them. They do not just sit there passively waiting to be eaten. Even the vegetables that have been cultivated for thousands of years still contain some poisons that cause side effects in some people. Potatoes, tomatoes, eggplants, and peppers are in the Deadly Nightshade family, and they can cause arthritis for some people. I’m sure there are other examples. And I have seen the pictures of vegetarians with the red circles under their eyes, the raccoon eyes, which indicate food allergies or food sensitivities.

However, meats weren’t meant to be eaten, either, and I discovered that when I tried to eat bone marrow, which I’ve written about elsewhere.

Humans do things to plants, animals, and minerals to make them safer to eat. That is why we are successful in all different environments all around the world, far from the places where we evolved. We are eating foods that weren’t meant to be eaten. But those foods are non-optimal for us, which is why the Raw Paleo people want to eat foods that we are able to eat raw and unprocessed. The concept is that we are getting the most optimal foods possible, if we eat things that require absolutely no processing. However, I saw on that forum that people are getting parasites and other problems from the raw paleo diet, which I knew would happen.

And there is a taboo about raw milk. At least some raw milk contains parasites. I have gotten small white worms in my stools from drinking raw milk from a particular farmer. I don’t want raw milk to be illegal. However, it is *not* perfectly safe and it is not perfectly healthy. The raw milk advocates deny that there could ever be anything dangerous about raw milk. In reality, I have had not only parasites, but also increased blood pressure, lacrimation (crying excessively for no reason for hours), addiction and cravings for more milk shortly after I drink some, constipation, and pounding heart from drinking lots of raw milk. I read that cow’s milk contains too much sodium and potassium to be an ideal milk for humans, which is probably why it increases blood pressure. It’s not the same as human breast milk. It is not healthy for everyone, and it’s probably not as healthy for some people as some people think it is. There are other types of milk which might be better, such as goat’s milk, and I haven’t tried them all yet. But I don’t want raw milk to be illegal.

All of these diets are pseudoreligions, and I am just as guilty of it as anyone else. I’m just as gung-ho about the Weston Price diet and the Feingold diet as other people are about their diets. Everyone has something which they believe their diet can do for you, something akin to salvation. This diet will save your soul, and if you don’t use this diet, you will go to hell like everyone else. In reality, each of the diets has some grains of truth and something good to offer.

I’m inclined to just dismiss any claims that vegetarians feel better after they quit eating all meat and dairy products. I’ve done enough reading where people say, ‘Oh, they might feel better temporarily, but after a couple years of veganism, their malnutrition will catch up with them.’ I am being more tolerant about veganism, at least inside my own mind, now that I’ve been paying attention to the pseudoreligious nature of dietary belief systems, partly because of going to Freethought meetings and talking about atheism.

If vegetarians actually start eating more whole foods, actual whole fruits and vegetables, then they might indeed get more nutrients than they would from a processed food diet. If somebody ate nothing but packaged, artificial foods, and then switched over to whole fruits and vegetables and nuts, they would get more nutrients. But I have heard about something they call ‘junk food vegetarians,’ people who aren’t eating meat, but aren’t eating healthy foods either. You can be a vegetarian who buys, for instance, little artificially flavored cheap fruit pies off the shelf at the convenience store, and a bottle of Coke, and you’re still vegan. I always see those little fake fruit pies and they disgust me. I’ve been opposed to those things ever since I started doing the Feingold diet again in my adulthood. Some of them don’t even contain any real fruit, they contain artificial fruit flavor and artificial colors, like the lemon pies – maybe they contain some ‘natural flavor’ too, whatever that is. Who on earth eats those things? My old friend Peter used to eat them, the diabetic. He bought the cheapest foods he could possibly find, just to get some calories, because he always needed quick snacks available when his blood sugar crashed from his insulin and his drugs.

A healthy diet is a very expensive diet, which is another reason why I am interested in hunting and foraging. I want to eat this diet of whole foods, but the foods that I want are very, very expensive. I would have a huge food budget to get all my special foods, and it’s going to be even worse when I’m pregnant and lactating. I will be this giant food eating machine. It will cost hundreds and hundreds of dollars every month. If I can find anything at all for ‘free’ out there in the world that I can get by hunting and foraging (‘free’ meaning ‘requires effort, but not cash’), then I should get it.

This is all because I am strongly opposed to a woman working after she gives birth. She must not leave her child. She must not let it out of her sight for a second. She must carry it and hold it at all times and never put it down. She must breastfeed it herself. She must be constantly touching the baby and observing the baby and interacting with the baby. This is the healthy way to raise a child. You do not leave a baby lying in its crib all day. If you put it in daycare, they cannot touch it and hold it the way you would. Babies and young children require nearly constant love and attention, but strangers will be concerned about pedophilia or sexual harassment or inappropriate touching if they cuddle your child too much while it’s in daycare. Only you can touch your child in the appropriate ways and know how to do it properly and know the limits of what you can do. Strangers cannot. They have to worry about lawsuits. They have to distance themselves somewhat from your child. Not only that, but they have to watch a dozen other children at the same time. And they will not teach your child the knowledge and values that you want to teach it.

So, I have to figure out a way that I can stay home and stay with my child. That means I have to depend on my husband’s money for the hundreds of dollars worth of special foods that I will require, constantly. So if hunting and foraging can get me some more healthy whole foods for ‘free,’ then I want to do that.

Killing a deer is like winning the lottery. I know that sounds offensive to people who don’t like the idea of hunting and killing animals. But I have talked to a couple of people who hunt, and I asked them how long the meat lasts if they kill a deer. One guy said that they might keep the meat in their freezer for an entire year. Now, granted, they are not eating a meal of venison meat every single day. They are eating it occasionally and alternating it with other meats. But still, imagine getting ‘for free’ enough meat to last an entire year. That’s why I say it’s like winning the lottery. I am planning to use as much of the animals as possible, including the skins, and will try to waste as little as possible. I want to try to eat the organ meats and the other ‘undesirable’ parts that most people leave behind when they hunt. The hooves, bones, and cartilage can be boiled to create a nourishing gelatin bone broth (which all the Weston Price people are advocating, and which I have yet to try). I still want to try to find a way to eat marrow without vomiting – there’s got to be a way, if so many other people claim they are able to eat it.

I’m obsessing about food now that I’ve had a bunch of caffeine and I’m trapped at my tent writing. The point was that if I were able to hunt and forage, then I would be able to stay with my child and get large amounts of food for free, and if my hunting were successful, it would be a not insignificant amount, but instead would be extremely profitable and helpful. I just don’t like the idea of sitting around at home, demanding that my husband bring home more money and more expensive food and fulfilling my every whim and my every demand, when I have such exotic and expensive food needs.

I have been learning about the atlatl. I’m interested in the atlatl because there are some problems with bows and arrows. It’s hard for a small woman or a child to pull back a bowstring. But an atlatl can easily be used by even a small child. An atlatl is a thing that you use to throw a long spearlike dart. It’s not exactly like a spear. The dart is lightweight and flexible. Some engineers have studied how it works, and the key to using the atlatl and the dart is this flexibility. It bends and ripples as it’s thrown. A spear is sturdier and heavier and isn’t really meant to be thrown.

Oh, I remembered something else I was going to write about. I was reading about groundnuts. One blogger had written that sometimes groundnuts would cause vomiting and diarrhea for some people. Sometimes, these people had eaten the groundnuts before with no problems. The blogger herself (I think it was a her) had experienced it. She said that this will never be mentioned in any mainstream books about foraging.

I have been discovering that very thing. People who advocate foraging have some kind of taboo on any problems, difficulties, or dangers that some people might experience from eating those foods. It’s as though they never actually ate those things themselves, but simply recorded information that they had taken from someone else and put it into a book without actually trying it. She complained that some writers had claimed groundnuts were edible raw, which indicated (she said) that either they had never actually attempted to do this themselves, or they were willing to tolerate the horrendous gas that they got afterwards, because groundnuts must be thoroughly cooked to prevent gas. This is probably also what causes the vomiting, if they are not completely cooked, she said.

Many writers don’t seem to think it’s important to include any anecdotes about people having problems with these foods. But people process foods and chemicals differently. Some people are genetically unable to produce enough enzymes to break down large amounts of poisons, while other people are genetically able to produce tons of enzymes. So some people get sick from foods that other people tolerate.

I’ve been meaning to edit the blog about purslane, but haven’t gotten to it yet. The nosebleed was probably caused by purslane’s interaction with ibuprofen. Purslane contains coumarin, if I recall, which is an anticlotting drug, which can cause bleeding, especially if it interacts with other drugs that can cause bleeding, like ibuprofen. Yet you won’t see any foraging books that talk about purslane causing bleeding episodes for anybody. They make it sound like these foods are all perfectly safe, yet somehow neglected or forgotten by the mainstream culture, for no reason at all. Usually there is a reason why these foods are not used. Purslane is not used because it contains coumarin and cardiac glycosides. It causes spontaneous bleeding, possibly strokes, and heart rhythm irregularities.

A famous forager died of a heart attack. He wrote a book called ‘Stalking The Wild Asparagus.’ People were mystified about how he could have died of a heart attack at a relatively young age, when he was eating so much ‘healthy’ plant food. Plants contain poisons that can cause heart attacks. He probably tried eating some milkweed roots or something, or maybe he walked through a patch of rhododendrons.

I was reading about gout. Doctors will tell you that you have to avoid all meats, especially organ meats, because they contain purine. I was immediately skeptical about this, because those foods are the very foods that the Weston Price diet says are the healthiest for you. A paleo diet blogger also talked about this, and took comments from people who had gout. Did they, or didn’t they, benefit from eating a purine-free diet? Some people said yes, some people said no. Some people said that episodes of gout were most strongly triggered by alcohol. But one person dared to say that yes, indeed, he had had an episode right after eating beef liver.

That challenges my own religious beliefs about the diet. How could it possibly be true that eating these healthy foods could be bad for some people? That’s just so wrong. But yet, remembering the Feingold Diet, which says that ‘healthy’ fruits and vegetables are bad for some people, I know that this can happen – ‘healthy’ nutritious organ meats might contain something which triggers gout in some people. I have to somehow work my mind around this, this cognitive dissonance, this contradiction, this values clash. Sometimes, there is a food that everyone says is healthy, but it causes problems for some particular group of people who aren’t able to metabolize it, for whatever reason, and that could happen just as much with liver and other organ meats and people who have gout. So I have to accept that maybe this meat-heavy diet isn’t right for some people.

I am obsessed with diets because I have a problem, chronic fatigue, which I am trying to cure. I am hoping that a special diet will fix it. I’m hoping that this particular diet will be the one that will work, because it is so unusual and so drastically different from the mainstream ‘SAD’ diet, the Standard American Diet, the diet I grew up on. But in reality, diet might not fix my problem. My problem might be caused by a virus, and I don’t believe that diets can cure all viruses. My problem might be caused by factors which I don’t understand yet.

I sometimes read stories about healthy vegetarians living to an old age. I also read about studies done which found that children raised as vegans grew up significantly smaller than other children their age, especially boys.

I guess I need to get ready to go, if I am going to try to get to the evening service at the church. I’m anxious about it, and I’m still feeling like I want to go to McD instead. But… I will try to go to the church, and see how it goes.

…Oh no. I’m online now. I see that they don’t have an evening service this week. It’s every other week. And I don’t have my McD uniform with me, and I’m not going home to get it. I’m not going to work. I will have to fool around in town and never go to church today. But I won’t go to work. I know they are screwed. I really was going to try to go to church. I just have to have faith in myself, that I will eventually get there, and that I wasn’t lying, and that I sincerely intended to go there on the weekends.

If grazing kills grass, then why doesn’t lawnmowing?

March 5, 2013

I’m reading stuff about how grazing affects the grass. I suspect that grass grows more if it’s grazed, in response to having been cut down, but only if you leave it alone afterwards. I was reading some stuff about this on the net.

Foraging plan: as soon as it gets warm again, I will go looking for lambs-quarters and groundnuts.

March 5, 2013

I really liked that book about edible plants in Pennsylvania. I’ve looked up several of them online because I thought I had seen them before. I know I’ve seen lambs-quarters in several places, and I’ve also seen groundnuts. But I don’t remember where I saw the groundnuts, and yet, they are one of the most useful plants you could possibly find. They are a tuber, like potatoes, but they come from a plant that seems to be in the bean family, and it produces an edible bean in addition to the potato thing. (Another name for them is ‘potato beans.’) They were used by the Native Americans. I’ve seen them… I’m trying to remember where I was. It’s a little vine, with a recognizable flower. I would have seen them in the summertime. Could it have been at Fisherman’s Paradise, back when I used to take walks there? I’ve wanted to go there again, but I’m riding a bike now, so I’d have to go for a long bike ride or take the bus.

It’s always hard for me to believe that these edible plants are real and that they’ve always been here. I get this feeling that they must be ‘unnatural’ somehow, that they must be an invasive species brought in by the English colonists. But not all of them are. The groundnuts were always here. And yet they are so amazingly useful that I’m amazed that ‘nobody knows about them’ (which is untrue – thousands of knowledgeable foragers know about them). Why hasn’t ‘mainstream agriculture’ found them yet? I looked at an article about mainstream agriculture wanting to cultivate the groundnuts, wanting to do selective breeding and all that. Why aren’t they in the grocery stores yet, I wonder? It seems that somebody somewhere would have already started planting them on purpose and selling them, if they require no maintenance and will grow naturally.

Anyway, those two plants are first on my list of the things I will look for as soon as the leaves start growing. I’ve returned the library book and can’t remember anything else I saw in there, but I know I will look at it again, or another book, or online. I can’t wait to do this. It’s so exciting to find out that I can eat food that grows wild. It gives me hope and it makes me feel safe. It makes me feel less dependent upon the economic system and the government.

But I always just can’t believe that ‘nobody else’ has found this stuff yet. Why haven’t I ever heard of these plants before? Why aren’t they sold anywhere? Why isn’t everybody talking about them? How could people become so helpless and domesticated for so long? How could they forget? How does anyone forget about all the plants that are usable in the local environment, and instead get in the habit of just using whatever is familiar, all the stuff like wheat and potatoes that came with us from Europe, and nothing else at all – even during an economic collapse, when we desperately need to get our own food ourselves? Back during the Great Depression, they didn’t have the internet, and so it was hard to get inspired to join the foraging movement. But now, foraging is becoming a popular trend, along with everything else having to do with survival and primitive skills. It’s so easy to find information about it now. I’m lucky to have the internet.

I think ibuprofen triggered a nosebleed. I never get nosebleeds.

March 5, 2013

6:39 PM 3/5/2013

I’m still alive a day after eating that one tiny piece of purslane. I did have an unusual symptom this morning, and since I have done three unusual things recently, I don’t know for sure which one caused it, but I know which one was most likely.

1. I took ibuprofen, one pill yesterday, one pill early this morning, and one pill this afternoon.

2. I took a multivitamin/mineral supplement, one pill yesterday.

3. I ate a tiny piece of purslane for the first time ever.

It’s most likely the ibuprofen. I have used ibuprofen many times before, and in the past, it has always given me an upset stomach that lasts for quite a while after I take it. I try to use as little as possible, and I’ve always used it for only one thing: menstrual cramps. However, yesterday I chose to use it for my general all-over pain, which has made me want to stay in bed. I am sort of ‘arthritic,’ but I don’t know if arthritis is the technical term for what I have. I usually call it chronic fatigue, but it often comes with body and joint pain and a failure to recover from exertion. I took a big long hike on Mt. Nittany, and just never recovered from it, and my joints still hurt days afterwards. So I took the ibuprofen hoping it would help me get up out of bed, and I took it again today.

It was shortly after I took the third pill today that the nosebleed started. I never get nosebleeds. I could probably count on one hand all the nosebleeds that I have ever had in my entire life. It is *extremely* rare. This was a spontaneous nosebleed, where I didn’t hit my nose with anything, not like an actual injury. The only thing I did, forgive my crassness for mentioning this, but I picked my nose a little bit. That is not unusual, it’s just something I don’t normally brag about, and I don’t do it in public. It never causes nosebleeds. I had done that, and then a minute later my nose started bleeding, and it took a long time to stop.

Ibuprofen causes bleeding. However, I had only taken three pills in 24 hours. The label says not to take more than six in 24 hours, so I am within the limit.

I think that the use of ibuprofen, combined with the use of a vitamin, or perhaps the purslane – perhaps all those things together conspired to make my nose more vulnerable to bleeding. I also felt as though there was a bleed deep in my nose, in the sinus, a spontaneous one, which happened even though I did not touch it.

I said yesterday I was going to write about vitamins, but I never posted it. I had jotted down some quick notes, but never elaborated in detail. I will just post that, then, right here.

4:05 PM 3/4/2013

I’m typing this while I wait for the bus, so it will be a short list without explanation.

1. vitamins cause allergies
2. vitamins cause side effects such as constipation
3. vitamins can contain unreacted reagents, just like any other manufactured chemical
4. vitamins can contain chemicals that shouldn’t be in there at all, especially if they’re from china
5. vitamins may not be the same molecule – they might be a chiral isomer
6. people metabolize vitamins very differently, and what is normal for one person is toxic for another
7. vitamin pills often have very high dosages
8. vitamins sometimes contain herbal drugs (i saw this today)
9. there are many valuable chemicals in foods that have never been categorized, so you still need to eat foods, and they never will ALL be categorized
10. foods can have drug-like effects, so that it’s hard to distinguish between necessary nutrients, drugs, and ‘helpful chemicals,’ such as the naturally occurring hormones in animal organs and glands, which can be used as a thyroid supplement, etc., or the phytochemicals and antioxidants and other things in foods
11. foods can have toxic drug-like effects too, negative ones, such as bone marrow
12. foods have flavors and are enjoyable and have textures. foods add variety and enjoyment to life. trying new foods is enjoyable. foods are colorful and beautiful to look at.
13. foods can be provided by you alone or by a small community. vitamins come from a factory and a long supply chain, and they require money, and you don’t know what’s in them. you can see what’s in the foods you yourself produce, and you can control their quality.
14. if you try to avoid particular ingredients, like iron, then you have to choose very carefully which multivitamin to use, or pick and choose individual vitamins, which will always be at extremely high doses when alone, and then you’ll have to take a bunch of separate pills.

Anyway, the nosebleed stopped, but it was so unusual that it reminded me of the reasons why I never use painkillers and avoid using ibuprofen unless it’s an emergency. My menstrual cramps are often totally incapacitating, so I have to take pills so that I can show up for work when I start my period. I usually use caffeine as a way to ease my pain, and it works very well. I just couldn’t find the remainder of the Vivarin pills that I have been using recently, and also, they have definitely stopped working. I have gotten so used to them that they almost do nothing at all when I take one, and yet, I still have been attempting to use them anyway. There was an incident where I took a Vivarin and then laid down and took a nap afterwards, so they are either totally useless, or even working as a sedative now, paradoxically. (I’m remembering something called ‘the paradoxical effect,’ and I don’t remember if it was talking about this – I’ll have to look it up.)

So I will probably quit the ibuprofen experiment. I was trying to find a way to help myself get out of bed without using caffeine, but my choice to use caffeine was a wise choice. Caffeine has the fewest side effects for me, and it is universally regarded as a ‘mostly safe’ drug to use.

My chronic fatigue will get better when the sun starts shining again, and when I do my decon, and when I start eating good food.

Purslane – Doing the Universal Edibility Test to find out if a chemically sensitive person (me) can tolerate it

March 4, 2013
edible purslane

edible purslane

5:59 PM 3/4/2013

Warning: I added some stuff at the end of this post. I decided that this plant is not really safe to eat in large quantities. I didn’t drop dead instantly from eating a small bit of it.

Sometime this winter, I started craving fresh vegetables. I picked up a book about wild edible plants of Pennsylvania at the library. One of the first ones that caught my attention was purslane.

I had noticed this plant many times before, and had been curious about it. Back when I lived at the duckpond apartment, I had seen this plant growing on a stone wall near the pond. It was an unusual plant, a succulent, with thick, juicy leaves. It was a tiny, low growing plant that crawled all over the whole area without growing very high. The plant was so unusual that I wondered if it was even native to the area, or if it was a foreign invasive plant. When I saw the book’s drawing of purslane, I wondered if that was the same plant. It was said to be edible.

I looked it up on the net, and the photos looked just like my plant. People said that it was commonly eaten as a fresh green in some foreign countries.

I had also seen it many times growing on a stone wall at a particular house along the sidewalk in State College, where I had walked by pushing my bike up a hill. It’s interesting that this plant was so unusual that I actually remembered exactly where it was, even though I hadn’t known the name of it and hadn’t known it was edible. I had just thought something along the lines of, ‘Wow, it’s that weird plant again,’ and remembered its exact location. Apparently, human brains are designed to do that.

Well, yesterday was the last straw. I was reading various things in Wikipedia, and I saw that purslane contained more omega-3 fatty acids than any other leafy vegetable plant. That’s the same type of fatty acid found in fish and some algae and flax seeds. The wikipedia page also said that purslane somehow removes bisphenol-A from a hydroponic solution.

But then I kept on reading other pages, and they also say that it contains cardiac glycosides, the same poison that is in milkweed. That made me very cautious. I have read that milkweed roots are edible, but not the rest of the plant, and that’s one of those pieces of knowledge that I say is too risky to test. I’d rather just avoid milkweed completely instead of trying to pick the part of the plant that is allegedly lower in its concentration of poisons.

However, people do not commonly eat large amounts of milkweed roots in foreign countries, the way they do with purslane. Milkweed roots were described as a survival food, something you might eat in small quantities if you had to. Milkweed roots weren’t described as something popular and sought-after and desirable, but purslane was. So purslane might contain only a tiny bit of cardiac glycosides, and if you don’t eat too much of it, it won’t poison you.

Today, I had to take my bike to get it fixed. I have some problems with shifting gears, and one of my gearshift cables is frayed, nearly worn through. I have to leave the bike there till tomorrow evening. After I dropped off the bike, I had to walk to my post office, the UPS Store, to renew my mailbox. The purslane patch on the stone wall was on the way there, along South Atherton Street, on the sidewalk between the bike shop and Hamilton Avenue where the UPS Store is. So I picked a tiny piece.

On the way down to the post office I squashed the purslane against my skin. I would wait to see if any poisons went through my skin. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes poisons are small enough to go through the skin, and they will trigger symptoms all over the body, not just in the local area where they touched the skin. Other poisons are too big to go through the skin, but they can poison you if you eat them.

Rhododendrons and mountain laurels differ from each other that way, in my experience: rhododendron poison goes directly through your skin, but mountain laurel poison will only harm you if you accidentally get it into your mouth. You only need to walk near a rhododendron to get poison residues all over the bottom of your shoes – I never tried actually touching the plant directly – I just had to clean up the poison residues from the rhododendron incident along with my other herbal drug residues years ago, and it was definitely going through my skin and causing heart problems. The mountain laurels do not seem to go through my skin, but I had an incident where I ate something without washing my hands after I had touched something that had walked near mountain laurels (my own bare feet, when I went barefoot in the woods).

Nothing happened after squashing the purslane on my hand. So, on the way back to town, I picked another piece. This time I bit off only one single tiny leaf. I kept it in my mouth. I chewed it up, but did not swallow it. I kept it in my mouth for several minutes, while my mouth watered, and then, eventually, I spit it all out. It gave me some mild funny feelings when I had it in my mouth. It has very little taste, just a mild fresh greens taste. (I picked it in the afternoon, but they say it’s more tart in the morning, because of some chemical processes that go on at nighttime.) So I’ve only swallowed just the tiny bit of juice that was left in my mouth. I’ve eaten some other foods now – some banana walnut bread and chai tea latte from Starbucks.

I’m noticing that I now have a rash all over my jaw line. It’s less than an hour, I think, since I tested the purslane in my mouth. It’s similar to that rash I got from eating raw potatoes and other raw tubers that weren’t in the potato family. I don’t get that rash (as far as I know) from eating the tubers cooked. I’m guessing that cooked purslane probably would not give me a rash, but cooking purslane would probably defeat the purpose of purslane. Purslane is one of those things that you want to eat fresh. It’s growing there, it’s convenient, you might happen to notice it when you’re walking by, and you’re nowhere near a stove, so you just put it into your mouth raw. It has the types of vitamins that are easily destroyed by heat.

As usual, when I get the urge to try something new, I’ve tried about a dozen different new things at once, so I’m not absolutely sure what’s causing the reaction – I took a multivitamin a couple hours ago too, a new and unfamiliar one. I try to avoid taking vitamins – long story – I’m going to write a separate blog post about that next – and so I hardly ever take them, and when I do, I notice the side effects. So some of my rashes could be coming from the vitamin too.

I’ve chewed another tiny leaf of purslane, and this time I swallowed it. I will see what happens. I’m not eating entire mouthfuls at once.

It contains some oxalate. I remember learning about oxalate the hard way. Several years ago, my boss, when I was working for that one guy out of his house, recommended using a juicer. I bought one and I only tried it a couple times and failed miserably. For some reason, every time I tried to juice anything, it made me sick. I tried juicing carrots and I tried juicing lemons. I think I was able to drink the carrot juice, just barely. I think that the lemons were very hard for me to swallow, even though I drink lemonade quite frequently and I’m fond of it.

But then I was foolish enough to try juicing raw beets, and I might have even included the beet greens in there too, I forget. I thought that I loved beets. I’ve eaten canned beets in the past. Beets, and probably their greens too, contain a lot of oxalic acid. If you swallow a whole bunch of it at once, it will make you throw up. I took a big gulp of the fresh beet juice, and it went about halfway down my throat before the reflex kicked in, and I almost barfed it right back up that very instant. That was the only swallow I took of the beet juice.

Then, I did something to the juicer that messed it up – I tried to grind up something that didn’t fit in there or was too hard to grind – and the grinder thing sort of caught fire a little bit and got a burned and blackened mark on the inside, and I don’t remember if it worked anymore, but I just gave up on it. I must have gotten distracted with other disasters, because for some reason, I forgot about the juicer and never tried to use it again.

I thought about the juicer again recently and thought I’d like to have one again and would like to try using it, but I’d have to troubleshoot my reactions and figure out why I can’t swallow some of the foods after juicing them.

So far, I’m surviving the purslane. I’ve swallowed three tiny, succulent little leaves of it. It has a mild, pleasant flavor. It gives me some strange, weird sensations when it’s in my mouth and after I swallow it, but they are not horribly unpleasant or life-threatening. It’s just some kind of weird feeling in my head, very mild. I’m being cautious and observing every little symptom. ‘Weird feelings’ have a technical name: they are called ‘malaise.’ This gives me some kind of unexplainable, indescribable malaise which is not very bad.

Commonly used fresh culinary herbs are medicinal, and some of them are bad enough that I personally would describe them as ‘poisonous,’ such as rosemary. Rosemary raises your blood pressure. I don’t know how much it raises it, but it’s enough that there are various websites warning you not to eat it if you have high blood pressure. I don’t recall ever eating fresh rosemary anytime recently, so I don’t know how I myself react to it. But yes, the fresh herbs at the grocery store are medicinal, for real. You can observe various side effects from eating them.

I’m doing okay with the purslane. I’m getting used to it. Maybe my body is just sending me signals to tell me that this is an unfamiliar substance. My body knows. I’m doing okay though. I could enjoy this crunchy, juicy, interesting little plant.

Edit: I’ve eaten the entire little piece that I was holding in my hand in the picture above, including the roots. It’s delicious, and I’m actually craving more of it.

Edit again: I had a reaction about 30 hours after eating it. It seems like the cardiac glycosides are in there, but they don’t get absorbed until they reach the large intestine. In the middle of the night, I started suddenly getting heart palpitations, and my heart felt like it was slowing down. I had a panicky feeling and felt like I was going to have a heart attack. The feeling went away after a couple minutes. If I had eaten more of it, I would have had a worse reaction. So I am going to be very cautious about purslane, and I’m glad that I was careful only to try a little bit of it. This taught me that the reaction can occur many hours after eating.

The next day I blogged about my nosebleed. I suspect now that the nosebleed was caused by the coumarin in the purslane interacting with my ibuprofen. This is yet another danger of this plant. I am reluctantly classifying this plant as not really safe to eat. I also had appetite suppression, which I wasn’t aware of until I read that coumarin causes appetite suppression.