Archive for October, 2015

difficulty typing my coworkers at McD

October 31, 2015

4:55 PM 10/31/2015

‘The voices’ typed a coworker as Beta today, because he was talking about bloody fingers being chopped off into the salad, and about an imaginary customer asking, ‘What’s this red colored sauce?’ I haven’t been able to type that coworker, but I thought he might be ESI (not Beta, but Gamma) for a while now.

However, he did use some kind of Ni today as he was leaving – he mentioned two people as ‘Thing One and Thing Two,’ from The Cat in the Hat. I still don’t know what type he is. He informed me that I should only put down four quarter pounders at a time, when I happened to grab five of them and was holding them in my hand.

The store manager, who I thought was LSI but I considered EII (but then said, no, probably LSI) also is pushing us to only put down four at a time. Yesterday we were really, really busy, and it was just after a moment of total chaos, when we were recovering, and I wanted to make extra stuff so that I could rest for five seconds without cooking anything, and the manager told me to put down only four at a time, even though I am able to prevent them from sticking out the sides of the platen when I put down six. I usually associate number-worshipping with Betas and Gammas.

However, I have someone who I think is Delta, who also sometimes nags me about following the rules, but if I recall correctly, he chews tobacco a lot – I see him spitting. Tobacco use totally changes the personality and makes people annoying when they otherwise would be tolerable, and this guy annoys almost everyone, including me, but I think he’s a SLI (same type as me).

I’m chopping this into arbitrary paragraphs.

There’s someone who I typed as SLE first, then maybe SEE, and now I’m wondering if he’s EII. So, I typed him as his conflictor, if so.

There’s a guy who I thought might be EII, then I changed it to ESI, then today I started thinking he might be EII again. I’m not sure. I didn’t know he had prosthetic lower legs. He jumped off a train when he was young, and got hurt. He was riding the train with his brothers. I always wanted to do that exact thing. When the train speeds up, you just have to sit there and wait till it goes hundreds of miles to the next town, instead of jumping off after it starts going fast. That was how he got hurt – he decided to jump off instead of just waiting for it to stop.

I won’t have time to post this.

So I’m typing my coworkers at McD now. Betas do not give me as much trouble if we are in a sane corporation with relatively sane rules and a relatively sane work environment, but even so, I am thankful that I don’t have overwhelming amounts of them here, because they still change the environment of the workplace to the Beta mood.

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exhausted, slow, and really confused

October 31, 2015

1:49 PM 10/31/2015

I’m so confused, I made Brent laugh. I was here last night, and Brent worked overnight, and I saw him still here when I left after playing Terraria. I came back in to work at 2:00, and I asked him, ‘When did YOU come back in?’ implying that he hadn’t been away for very long. ‘One o’clock,’ he said, and I said, ‘One o’clock!’ in great shock, as though he meant 1:00 am last night, which is what I was thinking. He said, ‘Yeah, 45 minutes ago,’ and I said, ‘Oh! Wait! I’m confused!’ and we both started laughing.

I barely slept, which is why my brain isn’t working. I stayed up very late playing Terraria, partly because I was a little bit sick – I catch vomit viruses every time there is a football game – and I’m also really tired because of dragging sticks and logs around the other day to try to build my structure. I was dragging one really heavy fallen tree that was still fresh and still had leaves attached to it – that was the hardest one. It took a couple days, but my body has now suddenly realized how exhausted I am because of that. It never hits me the first day after I do something, but several days after. Now I am moving really slowly.

I have been feeling despair at a lack of progress. I can’t make progress in any goals at all, regardless of what area of life it is. I can’t make progress on primitive skills, which is the one thing I am trying to progress in right now. And I didn’t cut my work hours back soon enough to be able to catch the harvest this fall, and I *always* miss out on the harvest, so I don’t get to do projects like rent a truck and then drive around town all day picking apples in people’s yards (with their permission).

I took a ginseng pill the other day, which might have contributed to my dragging sticks and logs around. I also used a little bit of my leftover picked dried St. John’s Wort, but it isn’t working very much at all anymore. I need to get more of it. It did almost nothing, but then I went into withdrawal and was terrified in the middle of the night.

I am feeling despair also at my lack of progress everywhere else. I can’t explain to Jesse why I want to do this primitive house building thing. He doesn’t really like to hear about it – it’s weird and unthinkable to him. He doesn’t know all of my years and years of rationales behind why I want to learn primitive skills. So I can’t tell him about it and have him cheer me on and encourage me. He sounds kind of like, ‘Ohh – that again?’ when I mention it.

I have to go punch in now. I am cold, slow, and exhausted.

Terraria in real life

October 30, 2015

Yesterday I dragged big heavy sticks around in the woods, to try again to build something out of sticks. I used all the sticks that I gathered to make a relatively flat foundation for my larger tent, which I am now sleeping in. I still want to try to make some kind of building. I have several different buildings that I need – a place to store dried food and also to dry it out (although I hesitate to actually have a fire burning under it, but ideally that is what I would do, not for the smoke but to keep the humidity down and the insects away – but I’m not allowed to burn fires in my location) – and also, a place where I can actually live, and a place where I can build things or make things, a sort of workshop.

So, yesterday was ‘Terraria in real life.’ Oh no – here comes the guy who never stops talking. I hope he doesn’t see me. I’m at McD getting ready to go to work. My stomach is not quite right, and I’m having trouble eating solid food, but I haven’t actually thrown up yet, I just feel like something is wrong. I wanted to sit out in the lobby so I could avoid all the people who never stop talking, because they all surround me when I go to the crew room.

probably an LSI

October 23, 2015

If I make a public declaration of somebody’s personality type, I usually ‘hear voices’ afterwards expressing their opinions. They said I was probably right the first time, he probably is just an LSI / ISTJ. It’s just that, in my experience, ISTJs always starve their employees, but he makes an effort to give us breaks. I’m not joking, I’m serious. Starving the employees when they’re supposed to get breaks is such a reliable hallmark of an ISTJ that I can use just that one particular behavior to guess somebody’s personality type. If they do not starve the employees and do not refuse to give them breaks, it is unlikely that they are an ISTJ. That’s one reason why I decided I must have typed him wrong when I guessed LSI / ISTJ when I first met him. He isn’t a total dickbag asshole, and therefore cannot be an LSI / ISTJ. But actually, he could be.

Item 1: Taking temperatures of the food (not complete yet)

October 23, 2015

5:26 PM 10/23/2015

I’m on break at McD, because I actually get breaks here. But I won’t have time to go through this whole list. I might get through a couple items.

I’m pretty sure the new store manager at McD is an EII / INFJ, from the Delta Quadra. He says things like, ‘Is there a reason why you’re doing XYZ?’ and then, he sincerely listens to hear your answer, and then considers it, instead of ‘OMG! YOU’RE DOING XYZ! YOU MUST STOP DOING XYZ RIGHT NOW OR ELSE ALL OF HUMANKIND WILL BE DESTROYED!!!!’ which is what I get at Taco Bell. He also says things which are meant to be serious, but they make me laugh, the way a socionic activator does. He tends to express negative emotions, and since I use Model B (or something which I thought was called Model B, but which might not be called that, after I had some discussions about it in a forum), the EII uses +Fi and -Fe (negative emotions) as its base function. He gets along very well with all the LSEs and the SLIs. I could be wrong – I originally typed him LSI / ISTJ, but after getting to know him, I really don’t feel like that’s what type he is. So, with an EII store manager, this store is even more Delta than ever before.

Okay, the other day I pulled out a piece of paper and started writing every little thing that seemed insane and unreasonable and pissed me off. I don’t think he reads my blog, although it’s theoretically possible that he could, because when I was dying of rabies, I mentioned my blog on facebook so that the rest of humanity could read it after I was dead, and then I didn’t die. So he might know it exists. But I am going to not hold back on my criticism. I don’t think he reads it. I just don’t like hurting people.

1. ‘Make sure you wait for it to stabilize.’ This was about the thermometer. I was asked to take the temperatures, which is a routine we always have to do. Stupid people are unable to feel that the food, and the inside of the fridge, cooler, or freezer, is unusually warm, or they are unable to feel that the temperature of the hot food is unusually cold, or observe with their own eyes that it isn’t steaming anymore, and so, they made a rule, to compensate for the stupidity of the vast majority of people, that they must routinely use a
thermometer to prove whether or not the equipment is working properly and to prove that the food hasn’t been left at the wrong temperature, instead of trusting smart, competent people, such as myself, to observe when the food or the equipment is at the wrong temperature, which I can do without using a thermometer, and which I am constantly paying attention to, nonstop, because I am a SLI / ISTP, and sensing is my base function, so I am constantly sensing things 24 hours a day, unlike the retards who don’t notice that the refrigerator FEELS WARM whenever it’s broken, and so on.

So I was taking the temps. What I do is, if I already know that the food’s temperature is okay, I make up a random imaginary number somewhere in the range that it’s supposed to be in, and I pretend to stick the thermometer in the food, but I don’t wait for the
temperature to actually go up to the number and stabilize, which takes about FIVE MINUTES for each item. I already know the temperature is fine, judging by my sensations, observations, the fact that I am not a retard and am capable of using my eyes and my hands, and I also observe how fast the numbers are changing to guess what the end result will be. I don’t need the thermometer, because I am not an idiot. Some people are idiots, and that is why we have this rule.

So I was doing this, and Mr. Superego Manager told me, ‘Make sure you wait for it to stabilize.’ I immediately felt angry and irritated. Wait five minutes, for each item, even though I already know the temps are okay?

Meanwhile – oh, I won’t have time to explain this. They are LYING ABOUT the temperatures that they know are wrong, such as the onions being, literally, FROZEN in a block of ice, because the temp of the cooler is too cold over there. I write down the truth whenever I encounter such things. If you give me this stupid job, don’t tell me to lie about it when the temperatures are wrong! I will write down the truth in the book, just to be an asshole, even though I know I’m supposed to lie and say they’re okay.

So, not only am I supposed to lie if the temperatures are actually wrong, I’m supposed to WAIT FIVE MINUTES FOR THE NUMBER TO STABILIZE on the thermometer, as though that number even means anything and as though we’re actually going to do something about it.

I don’t have time. …. That’s only ITEM 1 on the list…. and I’m not even done proving how insane and stupid this is yet.

‘Nobody 0,’ the hardcore character who really dies, which will segue into a discussion of when it is appropriate to act like something is a deadly danger, and when it is not (my conflict going on with the socionic superego at TB)

October 23, 2015

11:54 AM 10/23/2015

I took two caffeine pills when I got up today, which is becoming the norm. That means this will be long and verbose.

I did a couple unusual things in the last few days. I rented a car, briefly. I wanted to see if I could run errands more easily and get them done.

I did a small amount of laundry, got my new driver’s license (the photo looks like a starving vampire with a sunburn), took a shower at the YMCA (I am taking a shower, literally, like every two weeks, or perhaps even less often than that – my hair is at maximum greasiness, and I just comb it into a perfectly tidy smooth center part, then braid it), went on two small road trips, one of which was at night so I couldn’t really see any scenery, but I was excited to see a medium-sized cat-like creature, which probably was only a fox, but for a few minutes I imagined it was a cougar, and the second trip was a quick trip to Belleville where the Amish people live, so that I could see small farms and feel happy and wish I had a similar lifestyle. I don’t want to become Amish, but it’s similar enough to the things that I do want that it makes me feel happy to look at them.

I kept the car parked in the parking garage in town. I don’t have a place where I can put it without fear that it will be towed away or that it will annoy somebody.

What else did I do? I forget, a couple other things. I drove all over town, eating food from random places. Oh, that’s right, I went shopping at Wal-Mart. That was the big one – I had to get a couple more camping supplies, which are very hard to carry on the bus, large objects like a sleeping bag and some insulated blue roll thingies. I also got a thermometer to hang in the tent. It’s now hooked on a random object, a little metal bar that I removed from my frame backpack, which had been there to hold open the opening of the backpack, but which was sticking out at the ends and snagging everything I put in there. Since this is sort of a do-it-yourselfy style backpack, I was able to just pull out the metal bar from the sleeve it was inserted in. Now that metal bar is hooked through a little loop on the ceiling of my tent, with a thermometer hooked on it.

Since I’ve been playing Terraria, my love of tools has reawakened. There’s this thing you can do in the game, where you combine several gadgets together into one do-it-all gadget, like a Swiss army knife. You use something called the Tinkerer’s Workshop. For some reason this has been reminding me that I love to buy tools (when I’m not throwing away all of my belongings due to herbal drug residue contamination, which, by the way, is very similar to ‘the corruption’ in the game, as it spreads and ruins everything).

Anyway, when I went to Wal-Mart, I had this desire to buy all the tools, every single tool and gadget they had, even if I didn’t know how to use it or had no use for it. However, I used to do that to the point where it was unfocused, and all the tools sat around being unused, underutilized capacity. I loved buying the colorful Aquarelle paint crayons from… what is the name? Some Swiss company or something. Caran D’ache. I used them to make cartoon-like pictures, but mostly, I just loved having a bunch of beautiful colored crayons in a beautiful metal box. I just loved *having* them, and having them in perfect condition.

So I have a tendency to do this thing, which everybody of my personality type (ISTP / SLI) experiences, this tool hoarding tendency. I’m just not doing it because of the drug residue contamination where I threw away everything I owned, and got in the habit of never buying anything at all unless it was something that could be thrown away without much pain.

But now I’ve been having this fantasy that I will continue to live in a tent, but rent a few things needed to start my own business, right now. I’ll rent a pickup truck, and then, go around and collect furniture that the college students are throwing out on the curb. I’ll put it all into a storage unit, which I will rent in advance, because I discovered that all of them get rented out and are completely full – we need a LOT more storage units in this town! We could probably have ten more storage unit facilities, and every one would be instantly filled to capacity. This is a profit opportunity.

Anyway, I’d put the junk furniture in storage, and then sell it somehow. I wouldn’t have a showroom or warehouse that people could walk around in, yet, and that would be a problem. So I have no idea where I would sell it. Using a website to sell it wouldn’t work very well. I want this to be a thrift store where people can get the furniture extremely cheap, and it would be understood that it’s junk. The furniture would be imperfect, but extremely plentiful. You cannot imagine what people throw away in this town. It is unthinkable.

I had another thing I was going to write about, but there probably won’t be time. Actually two things. I started doing the ‘hardcore’ characters in Terraria, and also, I wanted to complain about something going on at Taco Bell. I won’t have enough time to write them this morning because in a little while I will have to go out the door to go to work.

I took two caffeine pills this morning. I have been much more tired than usual, and I am going to bed too late at night, playing Terraria. This game is infinite, and so I am going to be playing it for YEARS, so I will have to make some arrangement where this doesn’t interfere with my sleep so much. I haven’t gotten bored or frustrated enough yet to quit it or take a break from it. I do sometimes get into areas that are harder and more frustrating – I don’t enjoy exploring the dungeon right now, for instance, the regular dungeon, not the one I found underground in the jungle which I haven’t even looked into yet, but the other dungeon that has Skeletron guarding it at first.

I defeated Skeletron. But the dungeon itself is a pain in the ass to get through. So I’m sort of like, ‘Ehh, I don’t feel like going into the dungeon today, I’ll just do something else.’ I sometimes run out of goals on my list of things to do in Terraria, and I wander aimlessly fooling around with no particular purpose. You have to have a purpose to achieve there. The monsters are never killed forever, so they will always spawn again when you go back to an area. You can’t get rid of them and be done with them once and for all. So, if you just wander around, there will be infinite small monsters to fight.

Anyway, I reached that sort of ‘mehh’ point in my softcore main character’s world. ‘Softcore’ means the character never really dies or loses anything. You ‘die,’ but then you spawn again back at a particular location, and you still have all your belongings, you just drop a little bit of money, and if you don’t want to keep dropping money, then just remember to deposit your money in a trunk before you leave town, so you won’t lose very much, and all you have to do is go find where you died (it’s marked with a red X on the map) and collect the money again. I played a softcore character, with a world made on the ‘easy’ setting, just so I could learn how it all works and learn what kind of things I will have to fight.

But then I made a world on the ‘expert’ setting instead, the hardest. Monsters are much harder to kill. Then, I started creating characters that were ‘hardcore.’ There is softcore, mediumcore, and hardcore. With mediumcore, when you die, your character spawns again at a location, but you’ve lost all your belongings (and I haven’t tried that one yet, so I don’t know the details – I jumped straight to hardcore from softcore). In harcore, you die permanently, lose all your belongings, and lose whatever attributes your character has gained. So, if you find life crystals that permanently increase the number of hearts you have, or if you increase the number of mana stars you have, all of those achievements are permanently lost too, and you’ll have to start a new character who has only three hearts and one mana star.

So I jumped into this impossibly difficult world on the ‘expert’ setting, with a newly created hardcore character who had absolutely nothing, and was so weak he would die from a brief encounter with the smallest, easiest monsters. I decided to just dig straight down into the ground, then cover the hole with dirt, and dig a hole sideways underground, just under the layer of topsoil. I discovered by accident that I was able to chop down trees while standing
underground, and then suction all of the chopped wood and acorns and flowers and mushrooms and anything else that I chopped down, from above into the underground tunnel, which is physically impossible, but it doesn’t matter, the game allows that. I can’t kill monsters while standing underground though.

So I was able to do that. The first thing you have to do in a world is build a house, so that you can have a safe place for yourself and other NPCs (non-player characters, the other people who appear in the game to sell you things, or give you information, or whatever). I was able to gather enough resources to build a house, but then I died in a trivial battle with some easy monsters.

So I started learning all the details of how it works on the ‘hardcore’ setting. When you die, you turn into a ghost, who can float around without limit, and go look at everything, although no monsters appear so you can’t see what they will look like. I named my characters disposable names: ‘Nobody 0’ was the first, then ‘Nobody 1,’ and so on. Anyway, you can use this ghost to look at the situation, so that you can make plans for next time. You can understand whatever it was that went wrong, and make a plan for how you will approach it again.

I was emotionally attached to my first hardcore character, but yet, I knew it was inevitable he would die (I alternate male and female characters, just depending on my mood). I’m pretending that their deaths actually matter. I’m appreciating their contributions and legacies to the world – Nobody 0 built the first house. Building infrastructure is essential to the game, and makes it easier for everybody else to survive.

Well, now I am trying to mine lead ore, so that I can build an anvil. I’ve built a furnace, and I’ve built a chest that I can put objects into, so that the next character will have a few valuable items from the beginning. However, when I get killed, the lead ore that I’m carrying falls out and disappears forever, and yet, the tunnel I mined remains, without any lead ore in it. I’ve gotten killed several times while carrying extremely valuable lead ore, and I’m rationalizing that lead ore is known to be extremely valuable, and I’m being ‘robbed and murdered’ by the monsters who are stealing the lead ore. So, to avoid being robbed and murdered, I have to get home as quickly as possible if I am carrying even the smallest amount of valuable lead ore, and put it in the trunk.

I haven’t even begun to get into the problem of what happens when you find Life Crystals that permanently increase your number of hearts, and I haven’t attempted to increase my amount of mana stars either. When you die, those attributes are also lost. When I get to the point where I am able to find life crystals (they’re very deep underground, and it’s impossible for me to go there right now), I’ll have to decide what I will do with them. I think I will save them all and give them all to some future character, but yet, I will have to plan a careful strategy for that, and make the world as safe as possible so that this character won’t die instantly, and give that character the job of finding more life crystals for future generations.

You always have to plan a strategy for what you will use yourself, versus what you will leave for future generations. Everything you do will require a preplanned strategy. The tiniest little things can kill you, and I am learning about all these stupid accidents – for instance, there was some kind of glitch, or maybe normal behavior of the game, where monsters were falling through a solid floor in a particular place, but I had a tiny hole nearby that was too small for them to go through, and I still can’t figure out why they were falling through the floor there, and that glitch unfairly killed a character who was carrying a lot of lead ore at the time. It’s impossible to plan for those unfair glitches.

The voices in my head are most likely the cause of this, because the voices started talking about it every time I was carrying lead ore, and they started giving me warnings and saying ‘Don’t say I didn’t warn you,’ and things like that, so it was probably done by hackers. I started getting attacked by unusual monsters in abnormal situations where they wouldn’t normally be, every time I was carrying lead ore, and, as I usually experience with hackers, they demonstrated every tiny flaw and vulnerability in what I was doing. So the hackers are doing that very thing again, but this time, with the game.

No, I am not saying that I like that. It’s something I got used to, years ago when I was being tortured and harassed, in the very beginning, before I knew about electronic mind control, and before I knew that antidepressant drugs cause intense rage and anger and violence, even herbal drugs like St. John’s Wort. I was battling with hackers, and also using SJW, and I was extremely violently angry all the time, and the hackers demonstrated over and over again that they were able to get past every single barrier that I put up against them, so I learned that firewalls are utterly useless, and antivirus software is utterly useless, and all that, and I even learned that the hackers could get into a computer that was disconnected from the internet – it was ‘air gapped,’ with no cable plugged in anywhere, and it also did NOT have any kind of wifi antenna, because I deliberately bought one that didn’t have wifi (many years ago when it was still possible to buy a computer that did not have any kind of wifi antenna in it!), and yet, it got hacked anyway, by using electronic weapons.

It is something that I hate, and it still makes me angry, but since I’m not taking any kind of antidepressants anymore (and also, I decontaminated myself from the drug residues on all my belongings), the anger doesn’t turn into violent murderous rage. The goal was to torture me so that I would develop the syndrome of Learned
Helplessness, which I do indeed have – I could walk out of this cage, but I’m afraid I’m going to be electrically shocked, even if there isn’t an electrical shock there. It’s a cheap and easy way to keep victims enslaved – trick them into thinking they’re helpless when actually, you are smaller and less powerful than you appear to be, and the torture devices are less universal, less omnipotent and less omniscient than they appear to be, and it doesn’t matter – the victim believes they are everywhere and all-powerful and unavoidable, so the victim cannot walk out of the cage.

They are using other methods to prevent me from leaving, too – forcing me to get crushes on one guy after another, who then becomes unreachable for one reason or another – they forced me to have the interaction with Rick years ago, and they forced me to accomplish goals they wanted to accomplish for him – apparently their goal was to force him to divorce his wife, which probably was the result of the interaction with me, but I don’t know for sure. This time, they gave me Jesse to fall in love with, and then almost instantly made him inaccessible by making him join the army and leave the area, so that he will be gone for years and years, while I struggle and struggle and struggle back here, all alone with no hope, unable to increase my resources at all, getting thrown out of one apartment after another, unable to improve my life, unable to prepare to have children, the goal being to waste all of time, every last bit of it, until every single child is gone from my body and I go into menopause without having any children. That is their goal.

Everyone else can have children but me, because everyone else is blind and ignorant. Only people who are ignorant of evil are allowed to have children. They’re allowed to have children if they do not know about the existence of electronic mind control. That’s not true, though – other victims have children and they know their children are also being tortured. But they know my children will be gifted and talented, because I am gifted and talented, and they know my children will be healthy, because I have the knowledge of Weston Price and how to prevent deformities and chronic illnesses and autism in children. My chilren are a threat to them. And they want to manipulate me to do ‘great things,’ and they don’t want me to be distracted by having children.

I don’t have enough time to talk about the last thing I was going to talk about. I was going to segue into it. Learning how to plan strategies for hardcore characters in an expert-level difficulty world is making me connect it to real life: I have to use my socionic role function, -Ni/+Ne. I am having problems with a coworker at TB, who became a manager, who is my superego type, IEI. I have problems with TB in general because its whole corporate culture is hostile to my personality (learned helplessness: all businesses are exactly like TB, except McDonald’s, which is THE ONLY place that I can enjoy working, and it’s becoming corrupted badly, too, so it becomes less and less of a good place to work, over the years – but I know from experience that all businesses are run by stupid, evil moronic retards from other socionic quadras who have insane retarded beliefs and mindless rituals that they perform, so there is no hope of getting another job that meets my criteria of being an EVENING job, in a location I can easily reach, a job that I can do immediately without training, which I will also enjoy and feel comfortable in because it will contain a large number of people in the Delta Quadra who I can communicate with, who are not moronic or insane).

But I was going to complain about TB, because I had several incidents where I was sick and grouchy and my conflicts at TB were much worse than usual, since I could not tolerate anything due to being very sick. I decided to write down every tiny little thing that made me angry, the last time I worked, so that I wouldn’t forget them. These things are COMPLETELY INSANE, but that is what happens when you deal with your conflicting socionic quadra. This is a perfect example of a socionic conflict, my perception that what they are doing is utterly retarded, utterly evil, and completely insane.

First, there is no such thing as a break. Remember when I wrote that in Terraria, eating food is a bonus, not a necessity? You don’t die if you don’t eat, but if you do eat, you get strengthened. Taco Bell (and all other businesses that I have ever worked at, except the grocery stores, which I hate for other reasons) views breaks as a luxury, a privilege that can be taken away, not a necessity. Eating is a luxury, an indulgence. Sitting down and de-stressing is a luxury and an indulgence. Both of the introverted Beta quadra types (LSI and IEI) get together and produce an environment where we are expected to starve, and just suck it up and deal with it. If we happen to not get anything to eat before work, it sucks to be us – everyone is expected to live a perfect lifestyle where everything works perfectly all the time and we get enough to eat at home, high calorie high energy meals that will last us for eight hours without needing a single tiny bite of food. Anyone who doesn’t have that is expected to just put up with starving.

When I am dealing with other Deltas, they ALWAYS understand that eating, and de-stressing, is necessary and important. The Betas do not. You are required to be a robot who has no physical needs, who will ju11 st keep on working and working and working without food and without rest.

But wait! I haven’t even scratched the surface yet!

And I’m gonna be late for work.

…. Okay – I’m not late, but I got here with little time to spare.

I wrote this long list on a piece of paper, and each item on the list needs to be explained, to show in depth just how completely insane it is. The short summary is, they act as though they are playing a hardcore character on the ‘expert’ setting of the game, ALL THE TIME, for every little thing. Oh my god! Cut those cardboard box flaps off, OR SOMEBODY’S GONNA DIE!

I’m doing nothing but playing Terraria.

October 21, 2015

I’ve forgotten how to type. The fingers of my left hand want to have the first three fingers on A, S, and D, with the pinky on CAPS LOCK, because that’s how I’m playing the game. It was very hard to force myself to put my pinky on A instead of my fourth finger.

This is why I never buy video games. I will starve to death playing the game.

This game will last me another decade, just like Roller Coaster Tycoon did. It is infinite. I actually wish I could prevent it from updating, so that I would stop getting new things. I still haven’t explored all the old things yet.

However, it turns out that the ‘new things’ are kind of cute. I started seeing pumpkins growing everywhere, and I thought that I had gone through some kind of transition within the game – there are other things that happen after a transition, like non-player characters appearing after you kill a monster. I thought I had done something to make pumpkins grow.

Then I started seeing slimeballs dressed up as bunnies, and bunnies dressed up as slimeballs. All the monsters are dressed up in Halloween costumes. Halloween goodie bags are dropping when you kill monsters, and they have a variety of costumes in them.

I don’t have time to write now, because I’m about to go to work. I’ve been thinking of my Terraria knockoff, which will emphasize minus Si instead of plus Si: I will have mostly debuffs, all the time. You have a ‘hunger’ debuff weakening you, rather than a ‘well fed’ buff strengthening you after you eat. Eating is mandatory and you will die if you don’t do it, rather than an optional bonus you can do whenever you want. You’ll have ‘pumpkin sickness’ after you get tired of pumpkin pie, and there will be a red X crossing it out so you can’t eat any more pumpkin (like ‘potion sickness’ not letting you drink a dozen healing potions). You’ll have to go to sleep, or you will die, but before you die, you will become unable to function – you’ll click the character and it will do nothing.

I like the idea of a rebellious game character that becomes unable or unwilling to do what you tell it to do. The character is too exhausted, too badly hurt to move, too hungry, too irritable (there will be an ‘irritated’ debuff in my game, or ‘angry and annoyed’ after fighting with your ‘spouse’ character), and when you click it, it won’t go. It disobeys you, and goes and lies down in bed instead of fighting any more.

I have to get ready for work.

Covering my cat’s ears while the football jet flies over; hormones in milk

October 11, 2015

12:20 PM 10/11/2015

I don’t have a lot of time to write. I’m about to go to work. I took two caffeine pills. That’s what I’ve been routinely doing every morning before work. This needs to change. I will only work both jobs a few more days, and then sometime soon my Taco Bell job will go down to only one day a week. I’m keeping McDonald’s at three days a week for now, although I could reduce the hours of that one if I had to.

The football teams fly in extremely big, extremely noisy airplanes. Someone pointed this out to me years ago. When the extremely loud jet plane left, they told me it was taking the football team, that they had their own special plane. It’s much, much louder, painfully loud.

So yesterday one of them went over while Jacob and I were in the tent. It went directly over us. The airport is not far away, and it must have just gone straight up and directly over right where we are. It was so loud, and it got louder and louder and louder. I tried to grab Jacob’s ears to cover them, but he slipped away and dived down between the feet of my sleeping bag, and the wall of the tent, burying himself as deeply as possible in a pile of stuff. Then, he was panicked for about ten minutes afterwards, just hiding in the pile of blankets, looking terrified.

Today, I could hear another jet plane starting to come over us, but I had a few seconds to prepare. I grabbed Jacob’s ears. I gently pushed them down with my hands over them. He was disturbed by this and tried to move his head away, but the plane was getting louder, and then he could hear it. I tried again, and I got my hands to gently push down his ears and hold my hands over them. He sat still, while the plane got louder and louder, and he let me hold his ears down. Finally the plane passed us and got quieter. It wasn’t as loud as the one yesterday, but it was still loud. Jacob never panicked, because I was muting the horrible noise somewhat. It worked.

We need earplugs designed for cat ears. I thought of that while taking him in the car. The noise of the car is part of what bothers him. I have to keep a window slightly cracked open, because I am absolutely certain that there is an air quality problem. Air filled with toxic gases is coming out of the vents, from being inside the engine. I have observed this many times before, but I thought it was because my car had been damaged in an accident and I was still driving it around. I noticed it first in my Honda Civic after it got rear ended, and I thought the exhaust system was damaged.

But then, I also observed it while riding the Greyhound Bus. It was horrible, and it made me deathly ill for hours and hours. I was *NOT* motion sick, and I verified this: after the bus stopped and I got out, I sat there on the sidewalk, while we were taking a break at one of the stops during the long trip. The bus sat there idling, producing a horrible, nauseating, disgusting smell, some kind of gas. If I sat on the edge of the sidewalk right next to the bus where I could smell it, I continued to be deathly ill and ‘motion sick.’ But if I moved away from the bus, far enough away that I could not smell the exhaust as it was idling, my sickness was relieved.

After I got off that bus, after being on it for hours and hours while going to West Virginia, I remained very, very ill for hours and hours afterwards. I was worried that I had been given permanent brain damage by carbon monoxide. I had a horrible headache and nausea and a feeling of weakness and fatigue.

So then, good old Eric who always finds me the most interesting links to news articles and stuff, found something about the air quality on airplanes. It turns out that on an airplane, the air that comes from the vents is also filled with toxic gases from the engine, and some people have tested this and proven that something is in the air.

That is the reason why people get blood clots in their legs on an airplane. It has absolutely nothing to do with ‘sitting still for a long time,’ which is absolute bullshit, a coverup, a way of blaming people and calling them lazy, and hiding the real culprit, which is the exhaust-filled air. Pilots and crew on these airplanes suffer the most, and have chronic health problems from the toxic air from the engine. It’s like inhaling exhaust for hours and hours. It will kill you.

I know that sitting still does not cause blood clots. I have spent many days doing nothing but lying in bed, and I do not get blood clots. However, when I lie inside a tent, I get ‘tent syndrome,’ something caused by the air quality from the fire retardants and water resistant chemicals on the tent. My hands and feet go numb. This doesn’t happen if I lie in bed in a house for several days, it only happens if I lie in bed inside a tent for a long time.

So then, when I drove down to West Virginia in the rental car, I noticed that Jacob was panting. I opened the window a crack to make sure fresh air was constantly coming in. Jacob is smaller than I am, so poisonous air will affect him more quickly, before I notice it myself. I kept the window cracked open the whole drive, but that made it very noisy, which is why I wanted earplugs for Jacob’s ears. It was especially noisy if other cars were passing us, especially large trucks.

Jacob has been climbing into bed with me the last couple days, because it’s been cold. I am opening up the sleeping bag, and letting him in, and covering him up with the blanket. I need to make an arrangement where he has his own tunnel to climb into when I’m not around, because he doesn’t understand how to climb inside a sleeping bag by himself, and he’s declawed, which probably makes it even harder to claw the blankets out of the way and climb inside them, I don’t know. He probably just doesn’t understand how it works. He only knows how to lie on top of a pile of blankets, so I always pile them up in such a way that it is a very deep pile, with high walls of blankets around it, so that he will be surrounded as much as possible by blankets. I need to make a tunnel that is propped open and that is obviously visible as a tunnel, which will tempt him to crawl inside. It will be a thick walled bunch of sleeping bags, just like my own sleeping bags inside each other.

I didn’t even get to the original subject I was going to talk about.

I think my blog actually had an impact on McDonald’s. But I don’t have time to explain how that happened. A couple years ago, I wrote a huge, gigantic bunch of angry rants about the messed-up computer system that they made, for taking orders and cash. I actually have a lot of random people finding my blog through google searches for a wide variety of random words, because this blog is ENORMOUS and has thousands of pages, since I have been writing it since 2008, and since I have been on rant-inducing drugs such as caffeine, or drug residues from St. John’s Wort and other stuff, which causes me to be extremely verbose.

So, lots of people have found the blog post complaining about how much I hate the McD computer system. Well, then, some software developer actually commented to me and wrote a couple emails to me, asking if I wanted to participate in developing something (not for McD, but for someone else). I didn’t do it, because I just can’t – I wasn’t able to at the time, and also, it’s hard for me to imagine being an advisor, instead of an all-powerful dictator. If I am the
all-powerful dictator, developing the software all by myself, I can imagine doing that. But it’s hard to imagine trying to adapt my brain to understand someone else’s computer program, someone else’s goals, someone else’s rationales for why they are doing it this way.

It’s like I said about Taco Bell: if I owned that corporation, and revised it so that it would do things my way, it would become a completely different corporation with a completely different identity, and it would be absolutely unrecognizable, and would serve a completely different market niche, and serve a different purpose and have a different set of values. It would completely change its identity, and I could not even call it ‘Taco Bell’ anymore. It would be ‘Binns Enterprises,’ or ‘Mama Binns’s All Natural Authentic Traditional Mexican Foods,’ or something. I just might happen to be doing this in the same physical buildings, with some of the same physical equipment, and perhaps some of the same employees, but that is all that would be the same.

So, I could not advise someone on how to make their software.

Oh, but I didn’t get to the other things I was going to say, and now, I have to leave for work. I was going to talk about the hormones in the cream. ……. This is a subject where an impact on McDonald’s is desperately needed, but yet, it would be extremely hard for them to implement. Kind of like Food Babe.

My beloved coworkers, both of the SLI / ISTP brothers, Jason and Eric, my two favorite employees, have discovered the magic of high fat dairy products. They are talking about using real butter, and they are drinking cream and half-and-half.

However, there is another unfortunate part of the magic of drinking cream: it contains a huge ton of hormones. Self-observation is a paradigm that I use, which is in direct conflict with the scientific paradigm and the mainstream medical paradigm, both of which say that independent, individual sensory observations are always wrong and unreliable. The Feingold Diet is what strengthened the
self-observation paradigm in me. The Feingold Diet taught me to look for symptoms, observable symptoms in myself, immediately after eating something.

Well, I know, by using this method, that McDonald’s cream contains a ton of hormones, which are used to make the cows produce more milk. I cannot tell you exactly which substance is being used, whether it is recombinant bovine growth hormone (rBGH), or some other substance which might not qualify as a ‘hormone’ but which serves the same purpose. Whatever it is, it is something, and there is a lot of it.

So, as we are all drinking this cream now, the cream is having hormonal side effects, and the primary effects are sexual arousal, and a feeling of swollen breasts and sometimes a swollen belly. Cream itself does not have an aphrodisiac effect, because I have by now drunk gallons and gallons of *organic* milk and cream, and it has no effects at all.

The reason they were drinking cream was because we have these little tiny creamer packets, which were being kept in a little drawer so that they could take their temperature – it’s the little refrigerated drawers where some of our cold ingredients are kept. The creamers were there for the purpose of having a thermometer stuck into them. I don’t know why they chose creamer packets for this purpose. But Jason and Eric started drinking the creamers afterwards, since they now had holes poked in them from the thermometers.

And now they have been talking to me about butter and cream, which I totally understand, because it was something I learned, too, as an adult – I learned that butter and cream are good for you, so long as they come from grassfed cows. They were excited because McDonald’s is using real butter now, and so am I – I’m thrilled about it, even though it isn’t from grassfed cows. It’s a step in a positive direction! We are melting real butter, and putting that onto the McMuffins, and whatever else we put butter on, I guess the biscuits too. They have another oil, a mix of canola and olive oil, which is being used for something else, and I’m not sure what it’s for yet – this is new – but we aren’t using the hydrogenated oil anymore (although I do not know what is in our fryers, at the moment – it is probably still hydrogenated, but there are actual reasons for that – it is a compromise, and I can’t get into it because I’m gonna be late for work now if I don’t leave – the two caffeine pills are making me verbose). Anyway, we aren’t using the fake butter to put directly on the foods, which was some kind of partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, which came out of a squeeze bottle thing, for the muffins and biscuits.

So, I would have to break Jason and Eric’s hearts by telling them that actually, this wonderful, magical cream and butter which they have only recently just discovered, is not as perfect as they believe it is. I understand how it feels to find something perfect and wonderful, only to have it ruined because you learn something bad about it. The magical cream and butter contains some magical hormones, which I observe directly affecting me after I eat or drink it. Again I do not know what the exact substance is, I only know that I feel it. It is an unknown something, which could only be found by investigating the exact processes used at the milk factory. Something is given to the cows, whatever it is, to help them produce more milk.

I do not know what a large corporation like McD could do to get around this. The price of milk would go up. The scarcity of milk would get worse. They would have to plan in advance for the cold months of the year, when cows do not produce milk – they would have to freeze milk in advance, and store it up, and save it and preserve it, so that it could be used during those months without milk. There would have to be investment in ‘milk futures,’ analogous to all the other ‘futures’ that people invest in.

Oh, I’m gonna be late for real if I don’t leave now.

Cutting back work hours

October 7, 2015

I just told my manager today at Taco Bell that I wanted to work only one day a week. I was very anxious about telling her, knowing she would not be happy about it, but… I myself am also not happy. I’m not happy that I’m so exhausted and can’t get anything done at home for myself. I’m not happy about the fact that I still, to this day, don’t really like that job as much as I like McDonald’s. So I chose between making her happy, and making me happy. I can still go back and work more hours if I want to. I want to still have two jobs in case I decide to work a ton of hours and make a ton of money (more than 40 hours), but right now, I urgently need to do my own projects at home.

The stick house was turned into a base for the big tent, so that the tent would have a flat floor on the hill. I didn’t finish the stick house. I still don’t have a drying room. I need to experiment with drying all kinds of food, in particular, meats that are normally thought to be bad for drying – high fat meats. I want to test them and find out what happens when you dry high fat meats and organ meats. There might be some way it can be done which will prevent spoiling. I just want to be able to dry everything, so that my food supply can be unrefrigerated and can completely meet all my dietary needs, off the grid, and low tech. I don’t believe in high tech off the grid, I believe in primitive off the grid. Primitive people did not have to spend tens of thousands of dollars to buy solar panels and everything so they could live without electricity.

So, I will soon be working fewer hours at TB, but still working three days at McD. I enjoy McD much more, and am much busier there, and I always feel that I am desperately needed over there, whereas over here, I spend large amounts of time standing around doing nothing, unless I am washing dishes, and there’s another guy who insists on washing dishes, so when he’s here, I do nothing. This entire business paradigm needs to change. I wish I could revise the entire way Taco Bell does things, but if I did, it would be a whole different business serving a completely different niche – it would simply not have its own identity at all. I would have to change the name, but keep the infrastructure, all these buildings and hardware and appliances and all the rest of it, but use it my own way. I would do it all so differently it would be completely unrecognizable.

I need my own free time to do my own thing. I don’t urgently need money right now, because I’m not going to attempt to go to Washington to be near Jesse until sometime after Christmas when he comes home. At that point, I might think about it, but it depends on what Jesse wants and whether he still wants me to be part of his life. He hasn’t been talking to me very much. A week or two ago, he called me, while drunk, to tell me he loved me – but the fact that he was drunk is a bad sign. I question if he really means it, if he did it while he was drunk. He did tell me once before that he actually meant what he said, even while he was drunk. It’s like a lowering of resistance, and the resistance is there for a reason, just the same way that my drugs and drug residues lower my resistance and cause me to do unnatural things that violate my barriers and filters, things which I would not have done without the drugs. That’s a sign that something is wrong, if a barrier prevents someone from doing something while sober or un-drugged.

I’m off tomorrow, but then I go back to work at McD. I don’t know how long it will be before I get my new schedule with the reduced work hours at TB. Probably not by next week yet.

I’m just desperate to get *something* done for myself, in my own life, anything at all, besides working, coming home, sleeping, getting up, and working again. I’m so exhausted because I’m riding my bike everywhere, in addition to merely the exhaustion from working. I had energy for just a couple days after I got back from visiting WV, where I did not exercise at all, but now the energy is completely gone, and all I can do is drag myself out of bed, pop a couple caffeine pills, and drag myself to work. I do not want to do this. I need more free time. Money-earning is postponed.

Aww, I have a dual!

October 6, 2015

9:36 PM 10/6/2015

Well, it doesn’t happen very often in my restaurant jobs, but I definitely do have another male dual (socionic types). Jesse was the only one I had previously. For various reasons, I have refused to use any dating websites for the past few years, and so I am not meeting duals that way. I only meet them if they happen by chance to get hired at my jobs.

I thought this guy was a dual when I first met him several weeks ago. And this is saying something about the power of socionics: he is the exact opposite of the physical type of guy that I am attracted to. He is just about the least desirable, in ranking, of all the physical types, in my opinion.

And yet, socionics brings us together. We were instantly comfortable and friendly with each other, drawn to each other right away. I hardly ever work with him, but we worked together tonight and cooperated on washing dishes.

I also verified, I’m pretty sure that Jesse’s other girlfriend, the one we had an incident with in November, is also a SLI (Jesse’s dual, like me). I talked with her yesterday. She seems to be affected by a drug, I’m theorizing – I think she is probably still taking birth control pills – and so that may alter her behavior – but she seems to be a SLI underneath. She may seem to be more sociable or outgoing or talkative than expected, as though she’s an extravert, but I don’t think she is, she’s probably an introvert.

And, it so happens that she knows this guy at work who I thought was my dual. She mentioned him yesterday and I said I knew who he was. She stopped by and bought food today, and said hello to me and him and several others, and this guy was very friendly with her, too, as her dual would be, loving and affectionate and trusting.

So I can type people partly by observing their interactions with other people whose socionic types I’m already sure of. That is the error checking of socionics. That’s why I like it more than the
Myers-Briggs – Myers-Briggs has no real error checking method. In socionics, you can get evidence for, or against, a particular type for somebody, if they do, or don’t, get along with the other types they’re supposed to get along with.

Since I’m still bonded with Jesse, I feel limited in how much I can bond with this dual. I don’t completely open up to him and let him in, emotionally. I’m also not sexually attracted to him, although because we are psychologically compatible, I am able to sacrifice sexual attraction for a stable long term relationship.

However, I instinctively want to stay bonded with Jesse. I’m sexually attracted to him and I’m also his socionic dual, and he has ‘first dibs.’ Why would I do that? Why would I wait for him to return? Why do I believe that he needs me at all? There will always be lots of girls who are attracted to him. But I still want to stay bonded with him. I am still waiting.

I don’t even believe in monogamy, in principle. I don’t believe people *have to* be monogamous. However, I just tend to be monogamous anyway.

Another little side storyline is of McDonald’s, and my two identicals there, and how glad I am to see them again, and how much I love them. I love them both, I adore them, each in a slightly different way because they are not exactly the same and my relationships with them are not exactly the same. We don’t necessarily talk about the exact same things, or say the exact same things, or have the exact same interests, and other factors affect it as well.

I have been so terribly lonely since Jesse left, and all of the men, everywhere, have been lurking around me like vultures, trying to swoop in and take what they can get, and I’m sending out vibes of being lonely and miserable and in need of help. I can joke, the older and uglier and closer to menopause I get, the more attractive I am to men. Or maybe it’s because I’m taking a shower, like, once a month. I’ve got pheromones all over me.

I probably smell like cat pee, too. Jacob sort of peed in the rental car on the way here, but I didn’t tell anybody. He peed on top of my coat. It was my fault – I didn’t let him out long enough before I put him in the car for the drive. I didn’t have a litter box in the car (I will next time, though). So he got pee on that coat, and also on the blanket that I had him sitting on, which covered the seat, for that very reason, just in case. I’m not supposed to have cats in the rental car – it was on the agreement that I signed.

So, I am surrounded by vultures, nice, kind, well-meaning vultures who are all trying to help me and give things to me and fix things and make my life easier. And I have this huge, bleeding, hemorrhaging wound which never healed, from when Jesse went away on January 20th, and everyone can see that I am still in pain and still lonely. I am simultaneously drawing people in to me, and blocking them out at the same time, trying not to let anybody in, trying not to open up to anyone or bond with anyone.

Anyway, so tonight’s story was, I verified for sure this guy at Taco Bell is my dual – the absolute most wrong physical type of all the possible physical types that I would be sexually attracted to, but we psychologically were drawn to each other instantly – he is warm and friendly and loving. I haven’t mentioned anything to him about having a boyfriend.

I have to get back to work – I’m on lunch break.

I had asked myself a hard question: (Off topic): How could a huge corporation like McDonald’s supply all of their beef, chicken, pork, and fish from pasture-raised, organic, local sources, or wild-caught, non-farmed fish? The answer was, they would have to devise a whole new distribution paradigm, to be able to source things locally.

‘Jump’ by the Pointer Sisters

October 3, 2015

You know how I keep saying it’s hard for me to find music that I like that’s written or sung by black people? I just found one. ‘Jump’ by the Pointer Sisters played on the radio today, and I remembered that I used to have that song on cassette tape, and I played it over and over again, and danced to it. I actually jumped when they said jump.

There really are some weird oldies and a mix of all sorts of music on this radio station. I am finding it to be not intolerable. That’s saying a lot. If it keeps repeating itself a thousand times, I will get tired of it, but it cannot possibly be as bad as: 1. 93.7 The Bus, which repeats EXACTLY the same set of songs every 24 hours, and I was forced to listen to that at work for MONTHS, EVERY DAY, or 2. the Taco Bell radio station that we are on right now (I’m not sure who chooses this), which plays the same song more than once per hour. So, you’ve just heard a song, and you get to hear it again WITHIN AN HOUR. Rapid guaranteed insanity. Fortunately the songs are pretty good – they seem to have a lot of Alpha Quadra stuff, it seems.

I love the people here. I missed everyone. It is very, very hard for me to break away from them and leave. It would be painful for me to change into a person who believed it was okay to move around all over the place and never form any attachments. I haven’t been damaged that badly. I still feel that it’s okay to form attachments to people. There are people who move around so much that they always assume every person they meet will soon be lost, so they never feel close to them and never really open up. But I can assume that I’m probably going to know these people for a long time. I can let myself feel close to them and I can let myself care about them.

The McD menus need to stay still. They are impossible to read because of all the moving images and ads.

October 3, 2015

5:11 PM 10/3/2015

I don’t have a lot of time to write. I’m on lunch break at McD.

I’m so happy to see everyone again. I’m very attached to the specific people here – that’s what makes it hard for me to leave this job, even though I complain about everything.

We have music on the radio which is kind of okay. Coming from me, that’s saying a lot. We have strange things that I don’t hear a million times on all the other stations. We have *very* oldies, music which is from quite a few decades ago. I am not being tortured by the music, just yet. I don’t know if we have a choice about this station, or what, but I’m doing okay with the music so far.

I’m having A LOT OF TROUBLE reading the menu. It just seems to get more and more difficult. I passionately hate the computerized menus, and so do all the customers. The menu confuses you so much that you can’t find what you’re looking for, so you just order something random, possibly from one of the pictures they show you. This probably makes more money for McD, because they don’t show all the cheap items we have anymore, just the expensive ones.

However, that shows a whole attitude, a paradigm, a way of doing business, which I don’t like. You can do a study or an analysis that shows you’ll make more money if you use this trick or that trick to force the customers to do something they don’t want to do; however, it leaves the customers feeling annoyed and frustrated. Giving people something they don’t want, and annoying them, might temporarily be profitable, but in the long run it is gradually making people look for other alternatives. They are having a negative experience at McD, and it’s partly because of those damned computerized menus.

The menus constantly change while you watch them, even more than they ever did when I was here in the past. They change so much, so fast, I can’t find anything at all. They constantly advertise special sandwiches with moving images, while erasing the actual menu that you only had a couple seconds to read and mentally process. Your brain is still trying to understand whatever you just read, and suddenly, the image is gone, and you forget.

This slows down the customers and makes wait times longer in the line. People are staring up at the menu longer, with a bewildered look on their face, irritated and confused.

The only people who can order quickly are REGULAR CUSTOMERS who already know what they want and are always gettinge exactly the same thing…

lunch break is almost over, I’ll rant later.

The computerized menus have to go. I’ll buy a big roll of paper at Office Depot and I’ll write the menu with black magic marker, and the customers will thank me.

I’m back at McDonald’s

October 2, 2015

I just worked my first shift since I got rehired. I’m too tired to talk about it. But, I’m okay, I’m remembering how to do things, and I didn’t do that badly today. I’m glad to see everybody. I’m no longer in a horribly bad mood.

All I had to do was use the f-word a bunch of times, and my blog stats went up. FUCK THAT SHIT! I’m gonna do it again! Actually, I don’t make any money from this blog. The ads at the bottom come from WordPress, not from me. So it really doesn’t matter what my stats are.

But I’m not in a horribly bad mood anymore today. What happened was, I went to this international food store, and I bought these dried anchovies from Ghana or someplace in Africa. I think it was Ghana, that sounds right. Well, I tried just eating one out of the bag. Apparently, they’re raw, because I got parasites right away. I’ve had parasites from raw fish before, and also from raw beef and all the little tiny bits of raw meat that I have ever tried to eat (I’ve done experiments, just to see what happens). I can feel them crawling around inside my body. They go everywhere. I can feel them crawling in random places, not just in my digestive system. I’ve experienced it a few times, and I don’t panic when it happens, but it’s extremely disturbing and it keeps me awake at night.

My own body fights off the parasites over a couple days. I don’t know what happens to them. I don’t know if they are destroyed, or if they just become ‘encysted,’ curled up in a tiny ball which is surrounded by a shell, somewhere in the body. They are waiting for me to someday get eaten by aliens, or sharks, or tigers, or cannibals, or polar bears, or piranhas, depending on where I someday live.

After I get eaten, the parasites that were encysted inside my body all those decades will go into the body of the new host. I’ve been planning to live to be 120, so this is going to happen when I am a very old lady and I can’t run very fast anymore, and that’s why the aliens will be able to catch me and eat me. I’m not very worried about this, because it’s a long way off in the future yet. I’m only 41.

So anyway, the couple of times I’ve experienced parasites before, I noticed a couple things. They made me feel extremely angry. It was an uncontrollable, irrational, unexpected, intense rage with no cause (other than the parasites as the cause). It was prolonged. I also had horrible fatigue. I felt delusional and crazy and unable to think clearly. I did have problems with my memory these last couple days, too. I would be about to do something, then totally forget whatever it was.

I am feeling better and I was able to make it to McDonald’s today. I’m really cold and tired though, and I want to change into my warm clothes and go home and sleep. I just have to sit here using the computer for a while before I get up and ride the bike home.

Socionic superego relation. ENOUGH SAID

October 1, 2015

Note: I have a temporary parasitic infection because I ate a raw piece of fish the other day, so I am in a worse mood than usual. I often become extremely angry when I have parasites. Even so….

I want to kill that fucking retarded son of a bitch. I won’t even be able to tell what he is doing. He is just being a goddamn fucking imbecile. I’m about ready to walk out. I’m thinking, how can I arrange to not work at the same time he does. He is making me SO ANGRY. No one else is making me this angry. I’m only slightly irritable and slightly moody about things in general, as long as it isn’t him. When I’m dealing with him, I want to fucking kill someone or just walk the fuck out of this goddamn building. I can’t even explain all the ways he is being a fucking retard. I don’t have time to tell it all. Every single fucking thing he is doing and saying is pissing me off. I really, really am about to walk out. SOCIONIC SUPEREGO, the bastard!