Archive for December, 2008

I said “no” to going in early to work.

December 27, 2008

They called me to come in to work earlier than I was scheduled today. I heard the phone ring; I heard on the answering machine Christina asking me to come in early.

I remember some things from the assertiveness book that I read when I was a young teenager, “When I Say No I Feel Guilty.”

Arguing logically isn’t part of the assertiveness training. It’s more about boundaries, feelings, and what you want or don’t want. You don’t have to argue the logical mistakes or implications in what anyone is saying.

I wanted to say no to coming in early. I was expecting to go in at 3:00, and they wanted me to go in at 12:30. It wouldn’t have been so bad, but they called me on the morning of the very day in question. If they had asked me yesterday, I might have said yes.

What did I feel? Angry. Disappointed that all of a sudden, my whole day had been changed. I really had been hoping to do a couple of things. I felt weak. I felt like my wants and needs didn’t matter.

Coudn’t my activities be postponed? But arguing logically isn’t part of this technique. True, they could be postponed. They weren’t life or death.

But that is a weakness. Almost anything can be postponed. I can demonstrate this. Peter’s wife Tammy knew a co-worker for several decades. It was an older woman, a mother of one of the other employees. Recently, she died. There was a viewing. But it was on a day when Tammy was scheduled to work. Something was going on at work that day and they were having parties or something, and scheduling various managers to cover the shifts of other managers while they were at the party, and then cycling through it until everybody had gotten to go. It would have been inconvenient to them if Tammy had left and hadn’t covered her shift on that day. Tammy would have wanted to leave work and go to the viewing. There was another manager, a “higher-up,” who DID go to the viewing. But Tammy herself didn’t ask, didn’t try. Nobody had ever given her any assertiveness training.

To anyone else, this IS an obvious life-or-death situation. You will never see that person’s body again. That person was your friend. They will go down in the ground and decay, and their body will become unrecognizable. You will never see them ever, ever again, forever.

But if you leave work, the store will collapse, the universe will collapse, a disaster so inconceivable will happen, that you must absolutely under no circumstances leave work. She is afraid to do the slightest thing because she has Peter’s medical care to worry about, and if she gets fired, she won’t have insurance. So her choice looked like that. But I think it didn’t have to.

So, as I was saying, almost anything can be postponed. Almost any appointment can be skipped. Arguing about whether or not your appointment can be postponed or skipped is ALWAYS a weakness in your side of the argument.

I worry about being fired, too. But I don’t have anyone to take care of. No kids, no sick husband who needs medical care. And on top of that, I have parents who used to be wealthy back in the days when pieces of paper really represented some kind of money. (Some of that wealth is being lost right this very minute. I’ve tried a couple times telling Dad to buy gold and silver coins, and take physical possession of them. He says that in an economic collapse, gold and silver won’t be worth anything. There is so much I would have to explain on that subject.) My parents are paying my rent during this time of my underemployment. So if I get fired, it’s easier for me than it is for other people.

Therefore, because my parents are wealthy enough to help me out financially, I don’t have any boundaries? My wants don’t matter? This has happened to me again and again. Because I was lucky enough to have wealthy parents, I should actually be LOWER than all the other people in the world who have to actually WORK HARD for their money. My wants and needs should matter LESS than those of all the hard-working people out there, because I’m so lazy.

And it’s like nobody else on earth has ever felt this way, like I’m all alone in feeling angry because they wanted me to show up earlier than I was scheduled to. Like there’s something wrong with me for feeling that way, for having a few ideas of what I’d like to do today before going to work.

I finally called back. I have used my sjw once in the past two days or so, so it’s possible my behavior is still slightly altered by that. I spoke to Christina herself, which might have made it easier, since she’s not my manager. I massaged the collarbone point and the self-acceptance point which I remembered from the Callahan’s Thought Field Therapy videos that I bought years ago, and from Emotional Freedom Techniques. So I was slightly soothed as I talked to her on the phone and told her that I couldn’t come in early and that I had been planning to do some things.

And it WAS a ‘bad case scenario.’ No one would be there, she said. Those couple of hours would be uncovered. It wasn’t merely that they needed extra help. She herself had to leave and apparently the other person did too. But you know what I feel about that? I DON’T CARE. That department is so slow, I often wonder if I’m going to get laid off just because I’m not needed and we never sell anything, and we throw all the food away, and the shrink is really expensive. We’re probably BETTER OFF not having anyone there for a couple hours in the afternoon, if they’ve already prepared the refrigerated sandwiches and other long-lasting foods.

And so, even though it was a ‘bad case scenario,’ I still said no.

Role-playing will be an important part of the education that I create for my children and my community, whoever they will be. Role-playing of social skills and conversation skills. And some form of assertiveness training will be part of that. It might not be identical to the book I read years ago, but it will have been inspired by it.

Why is this going to my anonymous blog? I don’t know. I don’t want to complain about work on a page that my employers might be reading, I guess. And I am feeling more and more connected to this blog instead of my other one. I was thinking that somewhere on my profile or the “About” page, I would say that it’s not really anonymous and that if anyone local ever wanted to meet me, they could ask. But it’s anonymous to the search engines and to my future employers.

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continuing the grooming experiments. thoughts about breastfeeding and child-rearing.

December 22, 2008

i’ve changed the way i brush my teeth. first, i was using sea salt to swish out my mouth. but that dried out my lips really badly, and they remained dry for hours, which was annoying. plus, it sometimes made my head feel funny, and my eyes got swollen and baggy looking. it was just too much salt.

so i switched to chewing on bits of red cabbage in order to deactivate the acids in things like coffee. it turns out that chewing on leaves works really well to give the mouth a fresh feeling. however, i’m a little concerned about the goitrogenic effects of eating raw cabbage frequently. fortunately, it’s only a little bit of raw cabbage. but it would be easy to find some non-goitrogenic alternative leaf. that’s not really an issue.

for a while, i was brushing my teeth with the toothbrush still, rinsing it under the running water, without toothpaste, just dry scrubbing the teeth.

but i have stopped doing that, for the past couple days. this was encouraged by the fact that i read at weston price that the primitive cultures did not brush their teeth at all, and did not even do any activity that even resembled toothbrushing, and their teeth were perfectly healthy so long as they had a good diet. someone talked about vitamin c being important for healthy gums and teeth, and that if you had enough vitamin c, you resisted any harmful effects of plaque buildup. plaque could build up and it didn’t do any damage if you had plenty of vitamin c.

so i am looking at my teeth, and yes, there is plaque building up. my roots are exposed because of all the orthodontic work i was forced to get when i was too young to consent or refuse, and when the internet didn’t exist, and so all of us were ignorant and unquestioning about everything, because we hadn’t read about the possibility of any alternatives. that’s the wonderful thing about the internet: it shows us a whole world full of people, some of whom do things very differently than we do. so, i got orthodontic work, and eight total teeth removed, which includes the wisdom teeth. weston price says that maybe, just maybe, my children won’t have a small, narrow jaw with maloccluded teeth, if i eat really well during conception and pregnancy and breastfeeding. well, anyway, the plaque is most obvious as it clings to the exposed tooth roots.

this is actually a somewhat dangerous experiment, because i am eating an unhealthy modern diet. i drink coffee, and i eat lots of sugar. or rather, moderate amounts, maybe not as much as some people do.

the only time i felt unusual pain was a day or two ago. i had eaten something strange. i had some skittles candy, and i had snapple orange drink. i think i had one or two other candy-like things. the tooth that hurt was the new cavity, the one that he said was almost at the point of a root canal, the canine tooth on the right. it hurt only a little bit. i am trying to notice a connection between teeth pain, and what i eat. but it will also be connected to the bruxism from exposure to, or deliberate use of, st johns wort. and i might have had that a couple days ago, so it was probably the reason. in fact i did, definitely, use it sometime this past week.

but i do feel sure of one thing. there is no reason at all to brush a baby’s teeth while it’s nursing. that is the most natural, animal diet that can possibly be given to a person. if there is anything in the world that our teeth were designed to withstand, it’s human milk. i don’t know how old a child is when it gets its first teeth, but if you breastfeed them for a long time, as i intend to do, they will have a few teeth for a little while during breastfeeding. the bonobos nurse until they are five years old. i think my policy will be ‘always say yes.’ there won’t be a set in stone time when i suddenly start rejecting my baby just because the doctors and the calendar tell me to. just ‘always say yes.’ that’s easy enough. but i won’t be surprised or worried if the kid really DOES nurse until they’re five years old or so.

the contraceptive effects of breastfeeding fade away at about six months. i intend to try to get pregnant again and then tandem breastfeed. i think this is probably unnatural and unusual, something bonobos wouldn’t do – they only have one at a time, i think. but then, they aren’t really meat eaters. they eat small amounts of meat occasionally. humans are probably stronger, more fertile, and more able to nourish babies because of meat eating. but i wonder what will happen to the colostrum if i give birth again while tandem breastfeeding. the nature of the milk will change. it will be newborn milk again, and the older child will get milk not designed for its age. they say that the calories increase, in milk, as the child ages. he gets more calories in the milk as he gets older. i imagine this is because toddlers are walking around, using energy, instead of being held and carried, and their muscles are developing. the ‘scientists’ said they were surprised to find that milk had MORE, not fewer, calories as the child got older, because they expected the breasts to try to wean the child as it was learning to eat solid food. or rather, that’s my paraphrase. they expected the children wouldn’t need the milk anymore because they were eating food, so it would therefore have fewer calories. but it looks like that interpretation is wrong. the milk intends to continue feeding very active children who are also eating solid food, and running around, and learning muscular coordination, and developing their brains and nervous systems.

so, if my second baby gets this milk, will it be high-calorie milk then, during the baby’s inactive period of just sitting there and being carried around? will it then be too fattening for a little infant, if it’s still the milk designed for an active toddler?

well, anyway. teeth don’t need to be brushed when the baby is only nursing, if it has any teeth at all. since my kids will be nursed a long time, they will definitely have teeth. but they will start eating solid foods, and so if i choose the right foods, they won’t have problems.

i think that emotions like ‘shame’ and fear are created in young infancy. i intend to prevent my children from feeling those feelings. i will raise them with acceptance of their bodies. nobody is going to be ‘bad’ or ‘good’ because they did or didn’t make it to the toilet in time, for instance. they simply don’t have control of those nerves and muscles. being unable to control your nerves and muscles is not ‘bad.’ i believe that if children are raised without shame and fear in infancy, then they become shameless and fearless for their whole lives, and don’t even know how to feel those feelings. if you are forced to feel those emotions in adulthood, they don’t hurt you as deeply, they don’t ‘push your buttons’ or control you as badly. those feelings of shame and fear can only control you if they throw you back into infancy. i know about this because of the psychotronic attackers putting me into fake situations of artificial shame and fear. it’s not the same as it would be if i were a child raised in an authoritarian house with punishing parents who made me feel like i was ‘bad’ or ‘dirty.’

the one problem that i do have is fear of touch and intimacy, which DOES come from my infancy. i was like an autistic child and couldn’t stand to be touched. there were reasons for that – food sensitivities, and possibly my being a week premature, and my bad reaction to mom’s anaesthesia.

i think that what you do in young infancy will shape a child’s whole life and all of the emotions that they feel. their physical health and the psychological environment will permanently teach them to feel a certain way, and to be unfamiliar with feelings of shame, fear, rage, helplessness, traumatic loss, and other negative emotions.

anyway, on the grooming experiments, i’m still going without shampoo. as i’ve said before, i originally was using shampoo to wash my whole body, which i learned when i lived with eric. it feels much nicer than soap, and it doesn’t clog the pores and cause pimples. it leaves your skin feeling actually clean, instead of having a waxy buildup all over it.

well, i’m not even using that anymore. i am still taking hot baths and showers, not necessarily every day. but i now see that as something which can be done in a primitive setting, now that i know that you can heat up rocks in a fire, and then put the rocks into a small pool of water. i had imagined that it would be almost impossible to create hot water in a primitive setting, because i imagined you’d have to boil a cauldron over a fire for hours to get enough hot water. cauldrons are usually made of iron, and they’d be hard to make in a primitive, fiat-moneyless tribal setting. but the hot rocks in water technique convinces me that i’d still be able to get hot water as needed, just not as conveniently as i can here. hot water isn’t as much of a scarce luxury as i thought it was. it’s very useful for aches and pains, nausea, overall illness, tiredness, coldness, achy joints, menstrual cramps, etc.

my hair has gotten greasy, but it reached a plateau of greasiness, and i got used to it. it now feels about the same every day. i was already familiar with that because i had already been doing experiments of going longer between hair washings, the way people used to do in the old days. when i was a teenager, i learned to wash my hair every day. but that’s because i had a perm, and i styled my hair every day with hair sprays, mousse, gel, and a blow dryer. but now that i think about it, when i was a young kid, still taking baths instead of showers, i might not have been required to shampoo my hair every single day, in every single bath. maybe i did, maybe i didn’t. i don’t remember. it might have been every other day. but back in the distant past, it was normal for people to go a week without washing their hair. i’m just not washing my hair with anything at all except hot water.

and i’m no longer scrubbing my scalp. originally, i believed that the more you scrubbed your scalp, the better off you were. i scrubbed it with my fingernails while washing, and i scrubbed it with the comb while combing it. i deliberately scratched the scalp for a soothing effect. it does feel good. but it triggered scale and dandruff. i don’t mean that it merely loosened up the dandruff that was already there. i mean it CAUSED dandruff to develop, which had not been there previously. now that i’m no longer scrubbing, the dandruff isn’t even there. it isn’t merely sticking to my head and failing to get scrubbed off. there just isn’t any. or rather, very little. the scrubbing and scratching supposedly made it easier for fungus to grow, or something, according to the theory. every time i would use the comb and scratch my scalp, there would be scale and gross clumps of dandruff within a day. now that i am not scrubbing it, there is almost none.

and now, i know for sure it’s been at least a week, and actually, it’s been longer than that, because i didn’t record the exact date that i started, since this was kind of unofficial. but i no longer feel dirty or uncomfortable. i no longer feel ‘icky.’ if i pay attention to it, i notice that my scalp feels a sensation which is slightly unpleasant. however, i think that some of the skin problems might be from bad water quality – i think it has fungus in it. anyway, the air is cold and dry here in december, and i don’t even feel sweaty or greasy on the skin over my whole body. only the head and face are greasy.

i rarely had problems with dry skin in the past. the only time i ever had dry skin was when i used antibacterial soaps, like dial. i only used it because i lived with my parents, and that’s what they had bought. i don’t believe in antibacterial soaps, and have always had contempt for them. when i used dial to wash my whole body in the shower, it always made my nipples in particular very dry, with peeling skin. it would happen very quickly after using dial. and it happens if i wash my hands with antibacterial soaps. so if i had ever been using that in the past, i would have noticed now that the dry skin problem had gone away. but since i didn’t use any chemical soaps, my skin just feels as normal as it did before. it is neither dry nor greasy, except, as i said, on my face. my face has to be washed almost every day, or else the grease runs into my eyes, and it burns a lot. that might change eventually too.

i definitely won’t give my kids fluoride. i don’t think they need any fluoride at all in their entire life. fluoride treatments at the dentist seem particularly silly. they stick that awful-tasting goo into those styrofoam bite things. then you keep it on the teeth for a short time. this seems very pointless to me. the idea is that you’re giving them a high concentration of fluoride, which is supposed to create new, hardened enamel then and there. but i believe that fluoride probably weakens the tooth structure, no matter how it’s used, no matter how you ingest it, whether you apply it topically to the teeth, or are forced to drink it in your water supply.

the point was, even if i did have my children brushing their teeth in some way, with a plain toothbrush, or with any kind of toothpaste at all, it would be fluoride-free. if you do compromise on teethbrushing at all, fluoride STILL seems totally unnecessary and harmful, based on what i know about it now. ‘animal humans’ wouldn’t have EVER been exposed to that chemical in the wild. primitive humans, even if they did have some method of chewing leaves or scrubbing something against the teeth, would still NEVER have had fluoride anywhere on or in their bodies. it’s such an unusual chemical that you would never run across it ‘in your backyard.’ it has to be mined from the earth, and refined into chemical elements, using technology and manufacturing and factories and other things that people never had thousands of years ago. non-human animals don’t have their teeth falling out as they get older, unless there is a problem – domestic livestock might, but wild animals don’t, as far as i know. domestic livestock eat corn and other unnatural foods, which would cause them some problems. anyway, animals aren’t chewing up rocks full of fluoride in order to preserve their teeth.

twice now, sue gave me an altoid mint at work. i drink coffee at work, so i would have the usual amount of coffee breath. she drinks coffee too, and smokes, and so she carries those mints around, and she found out that i like them. so it might not be abnormal for her to offer me mints. it could be within the normal range of bad breath that you’d expect from coffee. i would be curious to know if my breath was much worse than usual. i’d wonder if i have ‘carnivore breath.’ like rotting dead animals, or some other horrible decay smell. but that would be noticeable, and i’d smell it myself, and i don’t think i have carnivore breath. i don’t think that the plaque buildup smells very much. but i don’t have much of it, and i don’t yet know what it will be like.

i’m wondering about the ‘doing chores’ phenomenon that i’m reading about in some of the attachment parenting blogs.

i don’t think we’re going to be writing charts. maybe, maybe not. i probably wouldn’t have minded chore charts so much, except that in the beginning of my psychotronic attack experiences, one of the things they forced me to do was make a chart of each day when i was supposed to take out the trash, etc.

i want the kids to contribute to the household functioning in a way that actually matters. they are not going to do stupid, trivial things like ‘pick up your socks off the floor’ or other petty nagging. instead, they are going to contribute economically in such a way that they are eating the food that they themselves planted and harvested and cooked. i saw a tv show where some primitive tribe had a little toddler sitting on the ground, holding a big sharp knife and cutting up food. and another kid ran right by, and the toddler moved the knife out of the way. the tv show stopped the camera on the shot where the other kid had run next to the knife, and they drew a circle around the exact location where the child’s hand or whatever body part had been, to show how close it was. this tv show portrayed it as an ‘oh my god!’ sort of incident. with disapproval about the fact that the toddler was using a knife at such a young age. that convinced me that toddlers can and should learn how to use sharp knives. it’s amusing, i was convinced of the exact opposite of what the tv show wanted me to believe. those tv shows were disapproving of the horrors of this primitive lifestyle, in a poverty-stricken community somewhere in africa or south america or somewhere. where kids are forced to use knives to cut food at such a young age, instead of having the luxury of sitting in front of a television all day watching barney the dinosaur.

the only thing that i am wondering about is what will happen during tandem breastfeeding to the constituency of my breast milk. (it’s strange to say ‘my’ breast milk, instead of ‘the’ breast milk, in an abstract detached way. i don’t have any arrangements in the real world that would lead to marriage or childbirth right now, especially with the poisons on my carpet, and the resin fillings in my teeth causing such breast pain. i can’t imagine how i would nurse with my severe breast pain and tenderness. and i don’t want to share the poisonous plastic bisphenol-a with my nursing babies or my developing fetuses either.)

another thing. i looked at that book in my google library about make-believe. i’m convinced that children do learn mental/psychological habits like that from their parents, and that they can be encouraged or discouraged to think in an open-minded way at a young age. some kids will have a temperament that leads them to be closed-minded adults anyway, but you can have a greater or lesser degree of closed-mindedness if you encourage make believe and tolerate questioning and the unexpected ideas that kids have. so even if my kids are helping grow the food in the garden, or whatever, i still want them to have fantasy lives, and i still want to ‘educate’ them somehow by giving them books. but i’m not sure about the books, i’m not sure what i’ll do with that. books can be very confusing and can mess you up, because i’ve read books that were just horrible and insane, and they made me feel hopeless and confused. i remember something they said about the enneagram six: you ask yourself, which belief systems made me feel MORE secure? which belief systems made me feel LESS secure? i’ve encountered books that just made me feel insane and miserable. i want my kids to have books that make them feel like they can understand the universe and have sane, realistic guidelines. i want them to know how to protect their minds and their belief systems.

well, that’s about all for now. i might read about tandem breastfeeding. i am concerned that the older child’s high-calorie milk might be too ‘heavy’ for the young infant.

contamination

December 21, 2008

this is for retmeishka.

i just thought of something yesterday, that i can’t just open retmeishka to the public (or rather, those who know me), because i had a long rant about mark. hurting people isn’t what i want. i remember what i was trying to express: anger towards the voices. anger about what they had been saying and doing to me for months, telling me things about mark and making me think it was about martin. anger that they made it sound like i would LIKE what he was doing, when actually i find it disturbing. still the whole rant makes it sound like i hated mark, and that’s not what i meant, but that’s what he would think if he read it.

i thought of him this morning, because i put on a pair of pants that i think i must have worn when i visited him. i have two main pairs of pants that i’ve been wearing at home. the one that i put on had been washed, but when i put it on, i felt an antidepressant effect that wasn’t st john’s wort. it’s a numbing effect. it’s a pharmaceutical psychiatric drug, the one i noticed that had contaminated me after i visited mark. i don’t know if it will come out after a few washings, or if i will have to throw away the pair of pants. i’ve been buying pants at goodwill, but over the last few months i switched to trying to wash laundry again. there will still be accidents now and then, but at least now i know about the phenomenon of drugs contaminating clothing. still, i had assumed that pharmaceutical drugs contaminated you less than herbal essential oils. i thought that they were more of a dry powder, perhaps less staticky, less able to stick to things and stain them. but from what i’ve been experiencing, this seems to have been a wrong assumption. all drugs have a risk of contaminating objects, surfaces, clothing, etc.

yesterday i saw someone at work and he glanced at me and he looked SICK. i don’t want to upset people so badly that they look sickened when they look at me. i don’t mean that he was sickened BY ME, but rather, sickened by things i had said. i wrote things that were disgusting and disturbing and sexual in the other blog.

the words we were saying yesterday were: i want you to be proud of everything you do. it was because just recently, the voices had been saying i was a celebrity, and then they started urging me to find out about how google recorded my name on the other blog, and they gave me a news article – i assume it was given to me personally, because it seemed to have relevant timing, just like many other news articles – about how employers look people up on the internet before hiring. it would explain why i was not being hired.

i feel partly tempted to blame them, to say they’re the ones who forced me to write a non-anonymous blog about mind control. however, i sort of agreed with that idea. it was the feeling that this needs to be out in the open, that the taboo needs to be broken. and yesterday we were saying, i want you to be proud of everything you do. that means proud of writing my blog. and that i must know the reasons for doing it.

i was reading harry browne the other day when i was working in the seafood department. i wanted to write down his rules. they were rules of his personal morality. it was from how i found freedom in an unfree world. i’m not going to do it right now, but i was thinking of actually copying them down by typing them into the computer by hand.

i could deliberately do things to make my blogs more popular, more well known. i don’t have stats on my other blog, but i happened to look at the profile yesterday, and it said there were like, 436 views of my profile. that was unexpected. i don’t know if that’s the same people viewing it more than once, or what. that’s because i think that’s where my links are to my other pages. i forget. i would have to look at it again.

i think this drug makes me feel hopeless, and more depressed. i don’t like it. it caused anorgasmia the first day after i visited mark. it was very obviously a pharmaceutical antidepressant. st john’s wort doesn’t give me that symptom. he said he wasn’t on drugs, either – he had recently said things that at least SOUNDED LIKE he wasn’t using any drugs at that time. either he was lying and he actually was on drugs, or else the drugs really did contaminate his clothing. whatever it was, it got enough of a contamination on me that it was all over that outfit, and it didn’t wash out on the first washing.

and people don’t believe the drug contamination theory, either. that frustrates me. i get voices who act like they’re new people who don’t know me. i don’t know if that’s real, if it’s really true that they’re ‘clueless newbies’ as i call them, or if they’re just pretending to be new. the new people don’t believe in the existence of my contamination. they weren’t here when everything happened, when i had my first experiences, when i made several important observations over a period of years:

how, first, when i grew my sjw, i found out that it goes through the skin. i found this out by touching the leaves.

how i remember that there were incidents, in the apartment above, where i felt like i was getting a dose of prozac, even though i hadn’t taken it in months, i had rejected it after only a week and a half or so, because it was intolerable. i wasn’t taking the drug, but had incidents where the symptoms would reappear. the contamination theory explained that quite well, after i learned about the phenomenon.

how i had learned several years before, during the feingold diet, that i put a lotion on my skin one day, and the lotion contained extracts of oranges and other fruits and herbs, to give it a smell. and i became intolerably hyperactive afterwards. the salicylates from the fruits in the lotion gave me the same symptoms that they gave me when i ate them. or something else in the lotion. the point was that it was the lotion, and it went through my skin.

so i found out, one thing after another, that a lot of drugs and chemicals can be absorbed transdermally.

and the events in my apartment, when i began growing the herbs, handling the seeds. first i had tobacco, and it started to grow, but i didn’t yet know about juglone, and i didn’t know that the dirt from under the walnut trees was killing all the plants i tried to grow. nothing grew very well.

and when the seeds of the ephedra plant were delivered in the mail, i handled the envelope and had not yet even opened it or touched the seeds directly. and i had insomnia so severe that i called off work because i felt desperate for sleep and felt that i was going crazy. it was unbearable. and i didn’t know what was causing it.

i don’t know how i solved that – i must have taken a shower or washed my hands and gotten rid of enough of the ephedra poison.

but it was the ephedra that pointed out to me the phenomenon of contamination once and for all. i already had the awareness that drugs could go through the skin. but i assumed that the drugs would only be produced in a fully grown plant. i assumed the seeds would not have any. so i started planting the ephedra. it was okay for a few minutes, but then i pressed one of the seeds down into wet soil, and the water got on my finger. immediately the ephedra went through my skin. there must have been enough of it already on my fingers, and getting them wet gave it something to dissolve into.

i remember what happened. the plant light suddenly seemed too bright, and the light seemed to be vibrating. the bright light seemed to give me a strange unpleasant feeling, and i turned it off. (that would be because of the mydriatic effect: pupils dilated.) i then had feelings of panic and terror, and a rising feeling of greater and greater terror and panic that just kept getting worse. it directly affects the heart. it was the worst feeling i have ever had. it was uncontrollable fear and panic and i became unable to think. my head, my brain, would no longer work. i think i must have washed my hands. but i must have also touched some other things first. and the envelope also touched things.

and it was afterwards, after i threw away the seeds, after i got rid of all the plant growing equipment, that i began to find that other objects in the house triggered the same event. i had reset all the clocks one day, as a spontaneous act, in order to help me get to work on time. that would have been a strange behavior, and it was triggered by drugs. it turns out that i had ephedra all over my hands, from handling the envelope, and i touched all the clocks. when i touched the clocks later on, i had another incident of rising, increasing fear and uncontrollable terror and panic. those were unbearable contamination incidents.

the terror and panic were so unbearable that it traumatized me and i became terrified of touching any unfamiliar objects that hadn’t been handled in a long time. if you experienced that unbearable sensation after touching objects around your house, you would be terrified of touching objects too. there were one or two other places that had ephedra.

the floors had tobacco on them. the tobacco leaves had grown for a short time even in the walnut juglone soil. they must have emitted volatile oils which settled on the floor, and i tracked them around. when i touched the floor, i got hit by a drug that felt like tobacco. i wasn’t aware of this at first, but after learning about the ephedra, i knew what to expect.

i don’t like dealing with voices who weren’t there when all this happened, as i observed and experienced step by step the phenomenon of household contamination. as i found out that it doesn’t wash out of laundry, and laundry has to be thrown away. some person just tried to tell me the other day ‘there is NO CONTAMINATION’ or something like that. i don’t know if he’s really new or just pretending. they think i’m superstitious and i have delusional beliefs.

i’m not that concerned about it, because they can’t tell me anything that will change my behavior. i know what needs to be done about this. the house needs to be cleaned. nothing they say is going to change how i behave around the house. gradual tests to undo some of the fears about touching unknown objects – that’s okay – but you can’t just dismiss the whole idea of the contamination. and i was furious about the incident where they would not let me think without zapping, when i tried to plan how i would bring home the futon, and so i ended up causing a foreseeable, preventable problem, by throwing it directly into the car trunk where the toxic laundry and the borax were. and now it got the whole futon ruined.

the main obstacle is the carpet. that disturbs me the most. it cannot be removed entirely from fabric on something like a carpet. the carpet fibers, the carpet strings, whatever you call it, the bristles of the carpet, have too much surface area. the substance has been ground down into them. also, when you shampoo the carpet, it removes some of the chemicals, but pushes it around and down into the bristles. so it gets reduced but not entirely removed. the carpet can only be thrown in the garbage. i will reduce it as much as i can, and then, i will relocate to another apartment, maybe one in this same building, and i will let joe replace the carpet, as he did in my previous one upstairs. however, while they’re doing that, they will walk around on it. even if i clean the linoleum in the kitchen as well as i can – linoleum is fine, i’m not worried about it – they will track small amounts from the old carpet to the linoleum, then replace the carpet, then track from the linoleum to the brand new carpet. there will be small amounts. however, i can only do what i can… but it bothers me. the new tenants won’t understand the phenomenon of contamination, and their blood pressure will rise, and they’ll go to a doctor, who will say ‘you have high blood pressure. here, take this prescription drug for the rest of your life.’ and the blood pressure was caused by environmental poison.

so i have to reduce it on this carpet, so much that it will be trivial.

and it was more than one chemical. here are all the possible herbs and chemicals that have been in this apartment at various times: st john’s wort, stevia rebaudiana, tobacco, ephedra, cacao, coffee (yes, i also tried to plant them), camellia sinensis (i suspect that one’s causing some symptoms too). and on the laundry i used borax, which i think got all over a lot of things. and i think that at least one of my coins is made of lead instead of silver, and i get strange sensations when i touch the coins, and my head becomes dopey and stupid afterwards. the coins weren’t on the carpet, except a couple of coins in one specific place, but so, there could be lead poisoning in that location. i’m not sure if that really is a problem or not. but i do know that when i touch the box that the coins are in, i get a dopey, stupid head, and can’t think. it’s not all of the coins, either, because when i buy new ones, i don’t have a problem touching them directly and handling them. there might only be one counterfeit coin in that box. it was actually the voices who pointed out to me that i might be getting heavy metal poisoning while handling the coins, and i agreed with them. the silver might not be as bad as the lead, because, as i said, it isn’t ALL the coins that cause problems.

i was glancing over this again: ‘i want you to be proud of everything you do.’ my knowledge: i know what i’ve observed, even if people disagree with me. there are those out there who would agree with all of my contamination experiences. there are those who would agree about the mind control. there are those who would agree about small local communities in anarchy, with the national government broken up and reduced as much as we can. there are those who would agree about my long hair and grooming obsessions. there are those who would agree about my sexual beliefs and social beliefs, about how to raise children, how to feed them, what to teach them.

and if i reach out to look for those people i will find them, but i haven’t been reaching out looking for people. i know what i would do if i looked. i already have ideas of what to do and how to do it.

mange

December 20, 2008

i went to peter’s house, and he has a cat. anybody with cats has mange in the house. it doesn’t show symptoms in everybody, but i am highly sensitive to it. the mange occurs on both people and animals. for me it began in about 2002, i think, but i forget. anyway i am now covered with itch mites and scratches, which happens every time i go over there. that’s another medical thing that i would like to talk about more, but don’t want to on my other blog.

grooming experiments, continued

December 18, 2008

i also had to mention that i am doing more grooming experiments, and the voices are always nagging me to talk about that. they particularly want me to talk about body odor, and i will get to it on a day when i have more time, but i’m not going to write about it again on my ‘real world’ blog.

i think my hair has grown to its fullest length. it is ‘classic length,’ where the longest tip of it reaches to almost my knee, but that’s only a very thin little bit, as it narrows more and more towards the end. i am not trimming split ends at all anymore, so it is gradually growing as long as possible.

since that goal is accomplished, if it’s true my hair won’t get any longer, then i would get bored and want a new goal. in order to prevent me from changing my hair or cutting it, the new grooming goals are to go further in the direction i was already going.

so i am doing more experiments. i haven’t been using toothpaste, because fluoride is a myth (read weston price – i have to talk more about weston price one of these days). on the internet, they’re calling it “no ‘poo,” as in no shampoo, and poo is a play on words, that shampoo is a chemical that goes through the skin, and like a lot of chemicals, it’s bad for you, so they’re calling it ‘poo.’ so i’m not using any shampoo, and i’m also not using soap. i used to use shampoo all over my body, after dating eric, as he washed himself that way since it doesn’t leave soap scum and leaves you feeling very smooth. it also prevents pimples, if you don’t use soap on your face and clog your pores with soap. anyway, no shampoo, no soap, and no toothpaste. i don’t know how long i’ve been doing this, but it’s at least been a week now, i think. i’ve been taking baths and showers, but not necessarily every day, and i’m just using a cloth, but not cleaning agents of any kind.

to brush my teeth, i’m chewing on raw cabbage, with the goal being to deactivate the acids in the coffee that i drink, to make my mouth alkaline. the cabbage really freshens my mouth surprisingly well. i was using sea salt at first, but it dried out my lips really badly, and it was uncomfortable and gave me strange feelings in my head. so i switched, and the cabbage is what i’m using currently. i still use a toothbrush, with nothing on it, and i run the faucet while brushing, and just rinse out the brush with water. i floss a little bit as needed.

this serves the purpose of giving me a new set of goals and grooming obsessions. i read in someone else’s blog, on wordpress somewhere, that she too had a ‘grooming obsession’ or ‘hair obsession.’ they would love it if they learned how to obsess about achieving the goal of the longest possible hair length that your DNA allows you to grow. anyway, i’ve achieved the fullest hair length goal, and i always wondered, all these years, what goal i would set for myself after that. for a while i considered that maybe i would do something drastic to it, like perm it or color it and then chop it all off and start over. but i don’t want to do that. i want to keep it, and also, convince others to participate.

about ‘wanting others to participate,’ this is especially true with respect to men, because there is no religion and no culture on earth that requires/encourages/allows men to grow all of their hair and all of their beards to full length. some cultures TOLERATE hair growth in men, and the result is that we have almost everybody chopping off all of their hair, and irregular, inconsistent beard growth, or people who grow long beards but keep their head hair short, or people who are phobic/terrified about growing long hair while the rest of the head has gone bald. also, black men have problems with it because of the kinky afro hair textures, and i want to work with that to develop a set of natural grooming standards for afro-textured hair. the afro textures, the bald-with-long-back style, and the growing to full length instead of keeping it at some arbitrary length, and also, not worrying about split ends anymore at all – all of those challenges need to be taught to people and implemented.

the men need ways to pin up their beards, like a braid, or a clip of some kind, so that they can work in situations where society is beard-phobic.

the image we’re getting at is ‘old dumbledore.’ the first dumbledore, with his very long hair and very long beard.

but that shouldn’t be the ONLY ‘ideal’ image, because we want to have bald men growing their remaining hair also, and we want black men with afro-textured hair to grow theirs. they can leave it loose, or use dreadlocks or braids, and i want to work with some afro hair to find out the reality of how it looks and how it handles. i’ve thought that i would probably advertise a request on craigslist in order to find people with long afro hair for me to braid, brush, etc, to find out what it can realistically do. i’ve read that their hair grows only about two years’ length, instead of growing for several decades the way straight-haired people’s does. straight hair or wavy hair can grow to floor length and beyond, but afro hair cannot, unless it’s in dreadlocks.

so that is the hair obsession – one of the other topics i don’t like writing in my non-anonymous blog. already, one of the guys at work shaved his nose bridge eyebrow hair because i wrote a blog about monobrows and how i want all types and shapes of eyebrows to be left natural and appreciated for their variety, beauty, and touchability. (when i’ve written about this or thought about it, one of the voices quoted the prisoner of azkaban movie, and the monster book of monsters: ‘you’re supposed to STROKE it!’ i love stroking eyebrows.) i don’t know whether he actually read my blog, or whether he shaved his nose bridge on impulse because he was a ‘puppet’ and just had a sudden urge to do that, or if it was a totally meaningless random coincidence. who knows. i don’t want all the guys becoming as idiotic about their eyebrows as the women are, and if i even talk about the subject AT ALL on my other blog, they will do things like that as a test. believe me, plucked eyebrows look HORRIBLE. i really mean it. i looked at a photo of my own, from years ago, and i’ve looked at other women’s, and every time i see them, i feel this intense desire to force them to let their eyebrow hair grow back. it looks disgusting, it looks like they’re cancer patients on chemotherapy and all the hair has fallen off. there’s some disease, something with the thyroid, where it makes your eyebrow hair fall off.

okay, now i really do have to go to work.

the idea behind the retmeishka blog is that if somebody ever decides that they want to know more about me, about my slightly-more-private thoughts or sexual thoughts, or about my grooming obsessions, i can give them this secret glossolalia word and send them here.

adopting adults; virtues and countervirtues

December 18, 2008

there’s more to the adoption concept than i wrote in my other blog. i just don’t like writing things there that seem kinky or weird or sexual in that blog, because i go to work the next day and see people ‘leering’ at me with strange looks.

the rest of the adoption concept was that i would adopt older people, perhaps adults, and that the adoption would be informal, without paperwork. this would be a non-sexual relationship resembling a child-parent relationship, and it could be with males and females. but they would agree to certain rules in order to receive the benefits of this relationship.

the benefits are that they get to stay home if they want to, and work at home, and i pay for their food and rent. in that respect, they are like dependent children. but they will have to help with either household chores or projects of mine. and those would be the people who choose how much they want to participate in the long hair community, because i want to give people the opportunity to do that. the interrogations during summertime made it clear to me that yes, this is something i want, i just wasn’t admitting it, and had given up on it. but it’s important to me. and other anarchists and hippies, in the past, they say they DID view the long hair as very important to them, not just trivial. it’s just hard to explain WHY it’s so important, when you can live without it.

part of the concept was that there would be a large number of adults in the house, instead of just the mother and father with a bunch of young kids. the adults would be in various types of non-sexual relationships with me, but they would all be dependent in some way, at least by living in the same house without paying rent, or paying a minimal rent. as adults, they would be productive workers, and relatively independent, and i could let them go if there was a problem or severe irreconcilable conflict. with young kids, you MUST keep them unless something SO TERRIBLE happens that you can’t keep your own kid anymore. the relationship is more permanent with very young dependent kids. you have to be ready for that. i don’t feel quite ready yet, but i can imagine adopting platonic-relationship adults.

writing in retmeishka is to an invisible audience. i could do something to get more traffic to the site, real people instead of spam-commenters. i just don’t feel comfortable in my real-name blog when i have to look at my coworkers the next day and sense that ‘leering’ feeling from the men. i don’t know which people read my blog or not, but sometimes i just feel uncomfortable.

anyway, this is similar to the polyandry concept, except that there would be females involved as well. and those females would be connected directly to me. in the polyandry concept, i imagined that there would be other females, but they might be wives of some of the men. but in this new concept, these women would connect directly to me and might or might not marry other men in the group.

the model for the relationship is ‘adopting adults.’ you can adopt someone informally at any age, and put them into a childlike relationship to you, with a certain amount of dependence and agreement to do things you want them to do. it would be a barter relationship, not necessarily with money. they might not even pay rent, but there would be mutually helpful things that they gain and that they give to you. they would be closer to you than just a stranger, closer to you than a mere community member.

‘community members’ are like neighbors. they do what they want, and they obey the community’s rules, but they don’t report directly to you, and you’re not responsible for them.

the other thing i don’t want to write in my other blog is about nudism. before the house got contaminated, i was practically a nudist. now, i can’t touch anything, and i have to keep clothes on all the time.

i was thinking about the virtue of modesty. i was reading about the virtues, the virtue of humility in particular, because the voices are always flattering my ego with extreme things that are not true and not realistic. i am somewhat plain, maybe ‘rugged looking.’ men have found me attractive sometimes, and i DO get boyfriends, and i’m not blatantly hideous, and people don’t scream and run away when they look at me. peter described me as ‘pleasant to look at, and curved in the right places.’ but i am not going to win any beauty contests, and my face won’t appear on a fashion magazine (unless it’s ‘Hair To Stay’ or something, though i guess that isn’t a printed magazine anymore. i never saw the printed magazine, i just saw it on the web). i’m somebody about whom you say ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder.’ but every time i even MENTION my plainness, the voices FREAK OUT and they can’t even let me CONCEIVE for even an instant that i am plain, or average looking. instead they protest loudly if i even mention that topic, and they say unrealistic things like ‘YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!’ for some reason, they think it’s very threatening that i would downplay my physical beauty and try to see myself in a realistic way, without insulting myself or calling myself ugly or saying there’s anything wrong with me.

anyway, about the virtues. i read about them, and they described a virtue as ‘opposing’ another ‘vice.’ so i extended this idea, and came up with additional virtues, which SEEM to contradict or be in conflict with the other virtues, but aren’t. here’s an example of what i called a ‘countervirtue.’

the virtue of modesty: whenever you’re talking to somebody who’s sexually repressed, or someone who’s been humiliated, degraded, raped, sexually violated, etc, or talking in mainstream society, or doing business in an everyday, normal situation, it’s better to keep your body covered and not have the person distracted by looking into your cleavage and things like that, or trying to look up your miniskirt. there is ‘appropriate office attire,’ for instance. serious, classic, reserved outfits that are not sexually revealing or seductive, but instead businesslike.

the virtue of openness, a countervirtue to modesty (it doesn’t have to be called ‘openness’ – there might be a better word for it, but that’s all i could think of): this goes with nudism. openness means acceptance of sexuality, acceptance of the fact that humans are animals, accepting that nudity and sex are NOT necessarily connected, but that instead, we animals were naked for millions of years before clothing was invented. and just merely being naked does not CAUSE sexual activity to happen, but that instead, people can be platonic and friendly and get used to each other’s nakedness. nudism is unacceptable to strict, repressed religious societies, because they believe that it contradicts or clashes with or opposes modesty and other religious virtues. but it is a virtue of its own, and it opposes other vices. if it opposes some kind of a vice, then it’s a virtue.

the virtue of openness opposes the vice of: being too repressed. sexual abuse, not being ‘allowed’ to have sex freely, not being allowed to choose. sex being unsafe, dangerous, risky. sex being taboo, forbidden, a crime. sex being dirty or disgusting.

i don’t have time to finish this. i haven’t had any time to write, haven’t used my sjw much – but i did use it yesterday – and so i haven’t been inspired to write. retmeishka is a lonely blog, when my audience is only an invisible one, on the days when i don’t believe that martin is hacking my computer, but i believe instead that he’s ‘clueless and innocent.’ i don’t know how to interpret him and they tried to convince me he was hacking, but i’m sure they tried to convince HIM that i knew everything about HIM, too, and i don’t.

obesity is chemical-induced

December 7, 2008

the drug-induced trivial fat gain has a cause. i have been looking to figure out what triggered it. i can feel the fat now and it’s become uncomfortable. it’s been gradually appearing over the past few weeks. as always, it’s on my butt. a guy called me ‘bubble butt’ all the way back in fifth grade, because my butt stuck out just a little bit more than average, and it was noticeable.

i’m still within my range – i weighed myself and i was 128. for the past decade, i’ve ranged from 120-130 most of the time.

i’m thinking it’s one of a couple things.

1. the futon. it has the poison that was in the back of the trunk. i don’t know what exactly that poison is. i thought it was tobacco and ephedra, but sometimes, it’s behaving more like sjw. actually, it doesn’t seem much like ephedra, usually, because it isn’t drying out my sinuses very much. it causes head pressure. repeatedly using, and then quitting, transdermal tobacco, might cause weight gain. smokers always say they gain weight when they quit. whatever it is, something awful is all over the futon, even on the plastic cover that i tried to put over it.

2. using, or quitting, transdermal sjw oil (the one i was making and applying deliberately). i’ve quit sjw in the past, and the withdrawal causes temporary weight gain, but also, it sometimes seems like just USING it causes temporary weight gain. i haven’t used it much at all for several weeks, because it interacts with the futon/trunk poison so severely that i feel like my head will explode when i’m lying down. it has been causing very severe problems. the poison got all over my clothes really, really badly, because of lying on the futon. i HAD to stop using it because of the severity of the drug interaction with the futon poison.

3. quitting sjw vapor. the vapors are a slightly different drug with different behavior than the transdermal. i have now withdrawn from that particular plant constituent. i don’t know how long withdrawal-induced weight gain will last.

4. i’m reluctant to call this a possible cause, because i don’t believe in the ‘eating-and-exercise’ theory of obesity. however, i haven’t been taking walks by the duckpond because it’s too cold and i don’t have a nontoxic jacket. those walks were always very, very slow – so slow and so quiet that it can’t possibly explain why i was able to maintain my weight. i’ve been sedentary for years, sitting around indoors doing nothing, playing video games, reading the internet, etc, and i hardly exercise at all. exercise ISN’T the reason why i usually stay thin. exercise has nothing to do with my weight, for the most part. i just sit around and do nothing, usually.

5. the bathtub, and whatever is in it. i’ve been sitting in the bathtub a lot, because it’s wintertime, and i need the hot water. i’ve had some events where sitting in the bathtub has triggered my breasts to hurt. my breasts never hurt before i got the plastic tooth fillings. they have continued to hurt, sometimes very badly, all these months, and even now. according to the theory, the water sits inside of plastic pipes, absorbing plastic, which might be absorbed through my skin when i lie in the bathtub. it could also be copper, or something else in the pipes, or in the water. anyway, i often get contaminated when i lie in the bathtub, because every time i take a shower, the poison from my clothing runs off me and collects on the shower floor. that is the same poison that came from the futon. it causes heart pounding.

6. the absence/withdrawal of the poisons that were on my air mattress. the air mattress was slightly contaminated with something. but it had a vinyl cover on it and it wasn’t very toxic, most of the time. the futon is much more toxic (even with its vinyl cover). i don’t really feel sure if i was toxic on the air mattress or not. anyway, since i’m not using the air mattress anymore, i no longer am in contact with whatever was on it.

7. touching people who have been associated with pharmaceutical drugs. i hugged mark and i have also hugged sue, whose son was on drugs (until he threatened to commit drug-induced suicide, and they had to get rid of all guns and weapons, and they took him off the drugs because of it). those both happened in the past month. this seems far-fetched, though, and it would have worn off quickly from whatever small amounts i would have gotten from either of them. i think it’s the futon, because that’s so severe and so unavoidable.

again, ALL of my experiences with temporary weight gain have been obviously triggered by using and quitting drugs. i usually notice the slight changes within the first 24 hours or so after using a drug. but it always goes away. this time, it’s been accumulating, because i’ve had this futon problem which is giving me daily, constant doses. and i don’t know exactly what the drug is, either, since there are several constituents of several different plants, in different locations. whatever is in the trunk, it’s horrible.

this is frustrating. we don’t know how far it will go. my highest was at 145 in college, in a situation where i was drinking glasses of whole milk with every meal, and eating really big meals three times a day (that’s the only time when ‘eating a lot’ was connected with fat gain). i said it before, when i stopped drinking the milk, i lost all of the weight very quickly, and went down to something ranging around 130-135. after that, i came to state college, and started working and living on my own, and i dropped down to the 120s range, where i have been most of the past decade.

somebody said something to me the other day and i don’t know if he was a puppet or if he originated the comment. i bought my lunch, and he said ‘eating light today, are we?’

the answer is no. i was not ‘eating light.’ I DO NOT ‘DIET,’ NOR DO I ‘EAT LIGHT.’ in my universe, there is no such thing as ‘eating light’ as a solution for poison-induced fat changes. i was eating the same type of foods that i always eat. the only dietary change that ever made much difference in my weight was quitting milk.

i don’t even want to get started, because it would take too long, about how EATING does not cause fat gain. eating and obesity are so unrelated that you might as well say that wearing orange clothing causes weight gain, or reading books written by people named ‘frieda,’ or driving a mercedes. none of those things cause weight gain, and neither does ‘eating.’

obesity is caused by: (in random order, not ordered by importance!)

1. bovine growth hormone

2. pesticides and herbicides

3. drugs

4. vaccine-induced adipose tissue damage (this is only a theory)

5. bottle-feeding infant formula instead of breastfeeding; bottle feeding AT ALL, no matter what kind of milk you put in the bottle, causes babies to drink differently, to drink larger quantities, than they do from the breast, because breasts don’t squirt out as much milk as quickly as bottles do. soy formula is the WORST. pasteurized cow’s milk is bad, especially if it has rBGH in it. bottle-feeding formula is the strongest theory, the most well-known, the most clearcut and obvious, the strongest cause-and-effect, of all the theories i mentioned so far. it is probably ***THE*** reason for america’s obesity crisis, along with pharmaceutical drugs.

6. vegetable oils, hydrogenated oils – i don’t know how strongly these cause obesity, but they’re bad for you. i know for certain that vegetable oils trigger arthritis, and all-over body pain, from personal experience.

7. plastic, perhaps during prenatal phase? this is only a theory. my plastic fillings caused such severe breast pain, and it’s still going on, that i believe plastic fillings could probably screw up a fetus really, really badly, and i intend to drill mine out (even at the expense of losing my teeth) whenever i become pregnant.

8. i’m sure i’ll think of a couple other things

EATING FOOD is NOT EVEN ON THAT LIST of the causes of obesity. THAT IS HOW LITTLE IMPORTANCE I PLACE on the theory that ‘eating too much causes you to get fat.’ that statement is so meaningless that it has no use at all. what causes someone to EAT MORE than some other person? what causes that person to choose a different TYPE of food? there is always some other cause behind that one. but people talk about ‘eating too much’ as though it’s something that happens randomly and spontaneously, for no reason, with no cause, just because you’re stupid, or greedy, or self-loathing, or you don’t care about yourself, etc, etc – psychological theories are crap.

i’d have to get into a conversation with somebody in order to actually collect the fallacies about eating and obesity, in order to name them and identify them all. basically, ALL of the beliefs about food and fat are totally wrong and meaningless and useless. they explain nothing. they don’t explain why i can eat 50 calories, and stay thin, while somebody sitting next to me will eat exactly the same 50 calories, the same type of food, and get fat. you see these huge, overweight, morbidly obese people eating dainty little salads. THEY ARE ***NOT*** EATING TOO MUCH! some of these morbidly obese people EAT LESS THAN I DO! granted, maybe not forever, but for weeks at a time, they diet, but they can’t eat that way forever. – but my nutrition teacher pointed something out: whenever you are carrying around a huge amount of weight, you BURN CALORIES just by carrying that weight and expending that effort. imagine if you carried a big sack of potatoes on your back all the time. you are burning calories just by carrying it. their whole bodies are covered in heavy weights. they have to eat lots of calories just to expend the effort of moving around; therefore they USE those calories they eat. fat people exercise more than i do!

this is a topic that angers me greatly, because fat people are so ashamed, and everybody makes fun of them and blames them for the problem, when IT’S NOT THEIR FAULT. it’s like making fun of somebody in a wheelchair, or making fun of somebody with AIDS, or making fun of somebody with a birth defect. it’s not their fault at all, and they have absolutely no control over it.

over the past few weeks, during the futon poison, i have been very, very exhausted and tired. i haven’t been able to do much of anything at all. my (poison-induced) chronic fatigue has been terrible. whatever the poison is, it is doing terrible things to my body. it could even be borax, for all i know, because that was also in the laundry that contaminated the trunk of the car.

i don’t want to hear voices telling me that i look GOOD with the extra fat. i also don’t want to hear voices telling me i look BAD with the extra fat! they have already been telling me, and they’ve been nagging and they gave me that nightmare. THERE IS A ***CAUSE*** FOR THIS TEMPORARY FAT GAIN! this has happened to me before.

it will go away, because, like i said, this has happened before, and it has a cause. it’s always been temporary and related to the usage/quitting of drugs, and also, drinking milk.