Archive for December, 2016

warning: I’m linking to an extremely graphic image, but the story kind of has a happy ending, kind of…?

December 31, 2016

This is one of those things. It’s almost laughable. When I was googling ‘right inguinal hernia’ the other day I saw a guy who looked like he had been almost completely disemboweled (and that’s the second time I’ve used that word recently, because some predatory animal has been prowling in the woods and it killed something on the bike path a couple days ago), except it was all still inside the skin. I finally went back to that image and went to the website to read the story.

This story is kind of a ‘win’ against mainstream medicine, and a win for the anti-surgery people. But yet…. it’s ridiculously horrible at the same time. This guy didn’t want surgery. So he had a hernia for 25 years, and basically, his entire guts spilled into this hernia and he was still alive all that time. (I don’t think mine will do that – I have a suspicion that mine might possibly be femoral.) He went to the doctor and they took this photo of him. He had
constipation for eight days, and that’s why he went to the doctor, but he elected for non-surgical treatments of the constipation. Then ‘he was subsequently lost to follow-up.’

When I say it’s a ‘graphic image,’ I mean it’s an image of a man with a gigantic bag of skin hanging all the way down to his knees, with his guts inside it, still alive.

Large Right Inguinal Hernia

Horia Parvanescu, M.D.

N Engl J Med 2013; 368:171January 10, 2013DOI: 10.1056/NEJMicm1208699 Share:


Citing Articles (1)

A 67-year-old man presented with a large right inguinal mass that had progressed in size for 25 years. Eighteen years earlier, he had been hospitalized in a general surgery clinic with an inguinal hernia but declined surgical repair because of concern about the
complications associated with the procedure. He returned to the clinic after an 8-day period of constipation. On examination, a hernia, 55 cm in length and 30 cm in width, was noted to reach the level of the knees (Panels A and B). The size of the mass suggested that the patient was at risk for intestinal obstruction, intestinal bleeding, and volvulus. Surgical correction was offered, but because of the risks, including bleeding, intestinal perforation, and failed healing of the abdominal wall, he elected conservative medical management, which included a high-fiber diet and the use of laxatives and enemas. He was subsequently lost to follow-up.

damn hernia is still there

December 31, 2016

I noticed it again last night when I got home. It is unusual compared to some of the ones I’m looking at on youtube – it doesn’t just push right back down easily, and it’s hard to tell exactly where it is and where it’s coming from. I’m doing a lot of research now to find out what my options are. I wish it was a straightforward inguinal hernia that just pushes right back in, because they have ‘old-fashioned’ truss belts for those, but the web page I’m reading said:

“A truss is old-fashioned now. It is a belt with a pad that presses on the hernia defect to block the opening and stop the hernia popping out. They never work well and carry the risk of unpleasant
side-effects. They were popular when surgery was complex, dangerous and had a universally poor success rate.”

“THEY CARRY THE RISK OF UNPLEASANT SIDE EFFECTS.” Such as??? A BELT that you can put on and take off has ‘unpleasant side effects?’ The only thing it could possibly do is cut off circulation if you have it on too tightly, in which case, you loosen it. You mean, surgery DOESN’T carry the risk of unpleasant side effects???? And what’s this about a time in the ancient, distant past, back in the day when surgery was complex, dangerous, and had a universally poor success rate? You mean, we’re not living in such times anymore????

My concern is that the hernia could be coming through the femoral region instead of the inguinal, and then maybe wrapping backwards up over the ligament so that it appears to be an inguinal hernia when it really isn’t. I can feel fatty tissue around the area in such a way that it’s hard to tell exactly where it’s coming from.

I need someone to palpate it, so I am going to make an appointment with CVIM, Centre Volunteers In Medicine, and talk to them about what my options are. I just need some help understanding EXACTLY where the origin of the hernia is. If I misunderstand it, then everything I do could be the worst possible thing to do – if you palpate it in the wrong direction you’re making it worse. I swear the one time I was able to move it leftwards and make it go away, but today, it’s not so easy to do that again, and it wasn’t easy the first time. I am not absolutely 100% confident that I understand the exact location and origin and direction of this hernia. It is unusual.

The weird sex position that I did is probably what caused it to begin. Okay, I have to describe this. I have done doggy style sex before, but this was not exactly that. He was on top of me from behind, while I was lying on my belly, but my legs were not spread apart, they were together. I was holding myself up with my arms, so my back was slightly arched. Then, after a minute of doing that, I went into the regular doggy style position on my knees. The first position was unusual and I have never done that exact specific thing before. Pressing into the vagina with a penis from behind probably pushed my intestines into a particular place, while my legs were in a straight position and my abdomen was sort of bulging out because my back was arched. I really suspect this is what started it all, even though I also dropped the bike while lifting it up over the stone wall to push it up the hill into the woods shortly before the most noticeable symptoms started.

Now I’M REALLY MAD AT MYSELF AND AT STEFAN for having sex – Stefan for not taking a weak, reluctant ‘no’ for an answer and being pushy, me for being wishy-washy and not being decisive enough – there was some tiny fragment of me that thought sex would be okay or at least no big deal, or at least tolerable. I should have just said absolutely no. There’s nothing I can do about it now.

This is kind of what I mean when I say that the last couple weeks have been a pile of shit on top of a bigger pile of shit. It started with the police, but actually, it started when I talked about pizzagate and posted the link to an article about it, and it almost seemed as though somebody decided to punish me with ‘retaliatory disclosure’ – oh, if you want to disclose pizzagate, then I’ll disclose the location of your tent to everyone.

So the police came and slashed the tent and terrorized Jacob; I had a puppet incident of meeting Chris at Weis Market and telling him about how I needed a place to put Jacob; Chris turned out to be crazier than I anticipated and on lots of meds with very bad side effects (I haven’t talked to him today and I wonder how he’s doing with his withdrawal from Abilify and Prozac – he can’t possibly be having absolutely no withdrawal whatsoever); I lost a bunch of money to him and then had the debit card theft which I *assume* was him; I cashed a check I shouldn’t have and really upset Mike; I had sex with a guy who I never would have encountered in the first place, and never would have slept in the same room with overnight, if I hadn’t been going over to Chris’s house! I don’t go to parties and I don’t have casual sex with random people. And then suddenly I have this hernia, right after having sex in a weird position that feels like it caused the hernia, when I tried to re-create the position and then see what it did to the hernia.

That herbal tea I drank yesterday – it was a substitute for coffee, but, I am not going to start drinking herbal tea all the time, because it still has side effects and withdrawal effects. It had chamomile in it, and I noticed mood swings with chamomile and other herbal teas. I had this very bad, dark, depressed mood today with feelings of hopelessness, worse than my usual moods and worse than the situation warranted (I know I’ve had a bad couple of weeks, worse than usual), and it felt like it was the herbal tea withdrawal, so I won’t be drinking herbal tea all the time. I also have been making a lot of typos while I write this, another herbal tea effect. I actually feel *almost* back to my usual level of cheerfulness right now, but not quite – there is definitely a lot of stress hanging over me.

AND, Aunt Jeannie skipped our Christmas dinner because she had heart problems and went to the hospital. And Mom has a shoulder injury and is in a lot of pain and she wasn’t very excited about the idea of having me visit at that moment, but I had no money to rent a car anyway. And she put her cat Sammy to sleep right around Thanksgiving.

The only good thing I can say about these weeks is that I am persistently and consistently learning and studying something, and that when I eat sage and rosemary, it does actually help me to concentrate on that project. It doesn’t lead directly to ‘getting rich quick,’ and game making is not necessarily ever going to earn me any money at all, in an age where everybody everywhere is able to make games extremely cheaply and there is tons and tons and tons of competition, so many games that when I scroll through the list of things available on Steam, the list just never ends and there are thousands of games I’ve never seen before – how would I even make a game that would ever even show up in that list and be heard above all the noise? And yet, working on this project feels good to me. I frustrate myself. If only I could jump into something that would actually earn a lot of money for me, and enjoy doing it, and do it persistently.

artificial sun

December 31, 2016

I’ve just had a horrible sci-fi vision. It sounds so stupid, evil, and insane that it’s actually believable, because I am cynical and I know that stupidity, evil, and insanity are to be expected. They will build an artificial sun that will light the polar regions during winter for the purpose of maximizing economic productivity of the slaves. They will melt all the ice, destroy all the wildlife, and make it impossible to live as a hunter gatherer there, and will turn it all into conventional farms and cities. The artificial sun will be put up without our consent, and it will fail to resemble real sun, while also causing harmful effects worse than the sun. It will be a satellite that we can’t take down, and the government will ignore all complaints and objections. It will open up the polar regions to global slavery and exploitation, and will prevent all attempts at subsistence living by destroying all that useless biodiversity and all those animals people are hunting, so they have no choice but to pay money for farm food and can’t be excused from slavery. This idea came to me because I was frustrated by my own lack of productivity during winter. Productivity above all other considerations!!! For everyone! It sounds totally real.

More evidence for my theory that road salt in drinking water causes heart problems in winter

December 31, 2016

I was reading about bradycardia again, and this web page mentioned that one of the possible causes is a high blood potassium level – such as what you might get if you were drinking a lot of tap water that had potassium road salt in it, or other non-sodium salts.

Bradycardia also occurs in some people who have certain medical illnesses not related to the heart, such as:

An abnormally low level of thyroid hormones (hypothyroidism)

An abnormally low body temperature (hypothermia)

A very high blood potassium level

Lyme disease

Typhoid fever

My aunt doesn’t need a fucking pacemaker!

December 31, 2016

Here is how she described it on facebook: (I corrected some caps lock problems – I think she was accidentally hitting the caps lock button on and off while typing)

“I got up, went to the bathroom at 4:00 am. Started back bed, got very, very dizzy. passed out. when i came back was still dizzy and pushed my emergency call button around my neck fro help from Foxdale Emergency Care .They came called an ambulance and everyone started asking if I was on blood thinners? Seems I was in a fIib . Never Aware of it before. and MD said i Needed a pacebmaker to keep from blacking out Again and Falling or having a stroke.”

I’m not sure what she meant by ‘in a flib.’ I also am not clear on whether or not she actually takes blood thinners, and I don’t know what other medications she takes, but I’m pretty sure she takes *something*. A pacemaker is an implanted object that you cannot remove.

This is one of the reasons why I was speculating about why heart problems happen in the winter. THERE ARE ALSO VIRUSES GOING AROUND, and yes, that was supposed to be in caps. Stomach viruses and lots of other viruses can cause people to get extremely dizzy and pass out sometimes, and when that’s going on, your heart may also be having some kind of arrhythmias or something.

This bothers me. I can’t recall what the exact word was, but it was some kind of heart arrhythmia they diagnosed her with. Nobody knows exactly what triggered this event to occur in the short term, so they just assume ‘You’re just old, your heart is going to start constantly having problems forever all the time over and over again, so we’ll give you a permanently implanted object and charge your insurance a huge amount of money.’ It’s this assumption that ‘you’re just gonna have problems again and again forever,’ rather than having some theory that maybe something triggered it in the short term, some kind of factor which is not always present, and so she doesn’t need a permanent pacemaker for something which was just a passing one-time incident.

It’s the *timing* of this that makes me think it was a virus or something. It was right before Christmas, and lots of bad viruses were going around because thousands of people were traveling in and out of town for the holiday. There is a huge amount of traveling and that’s when the stomach flu and everything comes in. I also notice viruses coming with the snowfall, and we had a snowfall shortly before this happened. I think diseases do fall from the sky in
precipitation. I get sick when it rains or snows, even if I am hiding in my tent all day long and I don’t go *anywhere near* another human.

This was just an opportunity to charge the insurance a huge amount of money for something that isn’t necessary, will probably never be used or triggered, and fails to understand what really happened that made her get sick in the first place. They did the same thing to her previous husband Eugene, except I think his was a defibrillator implant.

Non-surgical alternative: I pushed my hernia sideways and it went back in

December 31, 2016

10:10 PM 12/30/2016

Okay, after doing some google image searches, I became extremely confident that it was indeed a hernia for sure. I guess it would be called an ‘inguinal’ hernia on the right side. Also, I had first assumed it was from having sex that one day because I was in a slightly unusual position during part of it, and it might have been, but also, something else happened. I was lifting my bike up the hill into the woods, and at one point, I slipped and fell while carrying the bike, so I was holding a heavy load in my arms, and then suddenly jerked forward and landed on the ground. It could have been that incident that gave me the hernia, too, and in terms of time, it correlated better – I only had this hernia or rather noticed it for the last two or three days, not very long, and that’s about how long ago I fell while lifting the bike. It could have been the combination of those two incidents. Maybe the sex started it off or got it into position, and then the bike incident pushed it out more forcefully.

Whichever. In the big scheme of things, it was an *extremely* tiny and minor hernia. I had only noticed it because, like I said, I was lying in bed and then I raised my right leg into a particular position and felt as though, maybe, my underwear fabric had pinched my skin. I had this same exact thing happen the next night when I was in bed, again, and I reached down to try to adjust my underwear and felt this extremely small lump under the skin there.

So tonight, after I went home from hanging out with Steve – I only drank some herbal tea! – I prepared to take a nap. But I did some weird movements and palpations first.

If it’s possible for midwives to change the position of a badly positioned baby in the womb, then I was sure it was possible to palpate this hernia back into place. When learning about hernias I remember my parents having mentioned that some people were able to simply push them back in.

I thought maybe if I laid backwards with my feet elevated higher than my head, and then moved around while palpating the hernia, maybe gravity would help pull it upwards into my abdomen. So I tried that for a while and moved my pelvis slowly into different positions to find out where it seemed that the bulging was the smallest. Then I pushed firmly on the lump, but not enough to cause pain. If it hurt, I stopped. I was just trying to understand exactly where it was and where it was able to move.

I kept pressing directly inwards, straight down, but that wasn’t fixing it. No matter how much I pressed straight down, I kept noticing that the lump was still there.

I gave up on the feet-elevated position after only a minute just because it was tiring and I wasn’t sure if it was necessary. I laid down to rest and got comfortable in the sleeping bag.

Then I got into some positions again, but just with my head elevated and my feet lower (the sleeping bag is on kind of a slant). I moved my pelvic bones into various positions, while raising or lowering my legs into various positions, pressing down on the hernia to see if it ever seemed smaller or more movable in some position.

Then I found a place where I was able to make it move. It was a very weird sensation. I was able to make it move *sideways*, not straight down inwards. I moved it to the left, gradually, by pressing my fingers down inside my body against the right pelvis bone.

I moved it a little bit, and then stopped palpating and just relaxed for a few minutes, because there had been a definite change, and I wanted to see what would happen. I had only moved it just a tiny bit, but it was still there.

Something settled in my intestines – after a few minutes of lying down, there was a sharp, stabbing pain which was very brief, a flush of electricity that rose upwards like I was going to vomit, and then a spreading warmth from around the lower right part of my abdomen. It was disturbing, so I observed it for a few minutes until it went away.

I palpated again, after resting a while, and felt that it was still there but it had changed a little bit. So, once again, I moved my pelvic bones and legs into different positions while pressing gently, and then, in one particular position where it felt okay, I pressed my fingers against the inner surface of my pelvic bone again and moved the hernia towards the left. It moved, once again, a disturbing sliding of the large lump. I moved it as much as I could. It didn’t hurt to move it that direction.

After that it seemed like the lump was almost completely gone. I laid there and rested, and had a whole lot more sensations – the flash of electricity upwards making me feel like I would vomit, another quick stabbing pain, and the spreading warmth. The ‘flashing’ sensations repeated themselves a bunch more times. I just rested for a little while.

Then I felt like I needed to fall asleep. There was a sensation of some relief, and things felt different down in the area where the hernia had been. I am not 100% sure that it is completely gone, never to open up again no matter what, so I will keep palpating it over the next few days, and if it emerges again, I will know at least which direction it has to be moved to go back in. I want it to close up enough that it doesn’t come back out at all, but I don’t know how loose the hole is that it came through. The lump is either gone, or else I can’t really find it, or else it is so much smaller that I can’t feel it. Whatever I did, it gave me weird sensations in my abdomen that went on intermittenly for quite a few minutes while I was resting.

I also had a moment where there was a disgusting smell or taste that came from deep inside my body, a rotten poop kind of smell, which I tasted kind of in my throat, but I remember reading that there are taste buds (or maybe smell receptors?) inside your digestive system, and it felt like this smell came from very deep inside.

I felt as though my body was colder and I felt like my blood pressure was low. The body probably thought I had a major intestinal injury if some object was touching and moving my intestines around, so it probably was assuming I would need low blood pressure. I just rested calmly, and gradually became very comfortably warm in my multiple sleeping bags. Then, I did actually fall asleep.

I will watch it for the next few days.

I just went up the hill to the laundromat with a bag of laundry, pushing my bike. I can feel that it is definitely very different now. I still feel a little bit of pain in that area, and I can feel it when I cough – it puts pressure there when I cough. I keep coughing and have been coughing for weeks. I cough every time the air gets slightly cold again, and stop coughing when it’s warm outside. However, what I feel now is very different from what it felt like yesterday and the day before. I have definitely changed the position of the hernia greatly. It just still feels slightly vulnerable. I will keep checking it to see if it comes out again, but this time, I will know already what direction to push it to make it go back. It has to go sideways. It’s on the right, and I have to push it leftwards towards my navel. I had originally been trying to just push it directly *into* my stomach, but it wouldn’t move.

I *really* did not want to get surgery if it were at all avoidable. I looked it up, and they said something about inserting a piece of plastic mesh there to block it from coming out again. I absolutely do not want MORE non-removable pieces of plastic inserted into my body leaching chemicals that cause erectile dysfunction, breast pain, and decreased intelligence, like my plastic dental fillings are already doing.

reluctantly cheerful in spite of dread; the bank is sending the money back to his parents

December 30, 2016

9:05 AM 12/30/2016

I’m in town, I washed my hair but didn’t get clean clothes on, and my clothes are *really* dirty, as in, they smell a lot. I’m not looking forward to sitting down in the bank in an enclosed area surrounded by people who are going to judge me by the way I smell. I actually hurried out of the tent partly because a nearby tree was creaking ominously at that moment. It looks very thick, solid, and alive – usually, the ones to worry about are the dead ones that are already rotten and have all the bark ripped off – they get soggy when it rains and then they break. This healthy tree is probably not going to fall, but I got paranoid. But, that was why I didn’t bother searching through all my piles of junk to find cleaner clothes.

I’m reluctantly feeling more cheerful in spite of dread and anxiety. I have dread about this bank thing. Technically, I could be accused of aiding and abetting a thief, although it was unintentional. But some people jump to conclusions. I really, truly, didn’t quite understand that depositing this check was a dumb thing to do, although, after I slept on it, I called the bank the next morning because I had decided it would indeed be a problem. I feel like I didn’t do anything really bad, but I can’t predict how other people are going to react when they hear the scattered bits and pieces of the story without really understanding.

Mike was saying he might want to call the police on Chris because he had stolen other things besides this. I really, really, really don’t want him to call the police. Once the police get involved, things get crazy and much worse. For instance, remember when that ‘concerned citizen’ called the police because they were ‘concerned’ about me camping in the woods? And then, those concerned police helped me out by slicing holes in my tent and terrorizing my cat? That’s typical of the chain of events that begins when you call the police. They frequently punish everybody involved in something even though some people are much less guilty than other people – just throw ’em ALL in jail! Who cares!

I asked a simple question on the yoyogames forum (GameMaker), and already some hacker is trying to get into my computer, or they already have. It’s just because I’m female and I openly had a female username. They’re hoping to find out that I’m a gorgeous female with gorgeous photos on my computer. They will find out that I am an unusual female with photos that are not necessarily gorgeous, especially the ones where I photographed the recently added
intractable and annoying belly fat. I’m still in denial and hoping that belly fat will vanish whenever I start cooking at home and eating real foods made from scratch again. I have more urgent worries on my mind. I just tried to do a google search and got some weird message that it wanted me to download something for maps. It’s never done that before even when I have looked up something that had a map result, so I’m thinking this was a hack.

I really want to try some of these essential oils at McClanahans, where I am sitting now. They have clary sage, not regular sage, and it’s $26, while others are, like, $5. They also have one labeled ‘for thievery.’ Interesting! You mean, to help make your thievery more effective, or to help break the habit of thievery? It contained clove oil. I wonder what clove oil does then? Does it cause people to experience sensations of guilt and regret, perhaps? That would connect to thievery. Shame, guilt, regret, or perhaps, forethought, or consideration of others, or empathy – something that would make a thief reconsider.

I guess I have to go look for Mike.

Okay, I went and found Mike and we went to the bank. After we left the bank, after talking to him – and I didn’t give him any money yet – and we couldn’t get the check because it actually went through – I didn’t know that the bank was allowing them to process the check – I thought it was blocked. Mike is upset an angry, and as we were walking down the sidewalk, before he got on the bus, he was saying, ‘I just don’t understand WHY you would even cash that check. It makes no sense to me!’

I don’t have an answer and I can’t make his emotions go away. There’s no way that I can say the right thing to make him feel better. I can give him $100, which is what I’m going to do, I guess, but the bank is going to call me back and tell me if maybe it’s possible to reverse the check and un-deposit it or something. I don’t know, maybe they just feel like they have to try to help because they allowed the check to go through. I had misunderstood – I had always thought that the check never went through. They had a hold on the funds, which means that I actually have $100 more than I think I do, which is a good thing actually because at least it’s there so that I can give it back to him.

Now that I’ve walked away and let Mike go home, I might go back to the bank and tell them, never mind, I will just get him $100 and they can release the hold on the funds. I just had to think about it for a minute. I just had to let it sink in so I could understand. I think the lady felt really ashamed because Mike was there and he seemed irritated. We all got screwed by this, and I’m not the only one who’s guilty – the bank people feel guilty now because they allowed it to go through. I could see it, I could feel it, the lady who helped us felt guilty too. This is all extremely painful.

And I ran into Chris yesterday on the sidewalk – probably a scripted puppet incident – I was on my way to pick up the mail. He was with another friend, and they were getting something at the liquor store and going to the friend’s house. I did give him a hug, and he was cheerful and said he had stopped taking his Prozac and his Abilify. That worried me, and I asked him if he was going into withdrawal, and how long it had been, and he said it was a week, but no withdrawal symptoms. I don’t believe him. I think he is having, and will have, withdrawal, and I’m concerned about it. He was avoiding the nurse, Mike said. Mike also said that he didn’t *have to* participate in ‘the program,’ which I assume means the drugging program. I had thought he HAD TO as a condition of receiving disability money.

I should go talk to the bank again and just withdraw $100, although maybe, if the bank reverses it, that will be more trustworthy – it will go back to his parents’ checking account and be deposited to them, since I myself am not considered trustworthy – I might withdraw $100 and not really go give it to him. I might just be pretending to try to resolve all this. Maybe the bank will feel better if they try to rectify their portion of the mistake. Maybe they need to try to feel better.

I just hope he doesn’t call the police on Chris.

He said he’s stopped taking those two meds, but he’s still taking Adderall, which they only started him on just recently – he said it gives him more energy, and now that he stopped the other two, he isn’t exhausted anymore – it made him do nothing but sleep unless he took cocaine.

The bank lady is an ESFJ. She sounds like Christy from McDonald’s. She said the best course of action is to have the bank return the money to his parents’ account, because if I just give him $100 like I was thinking, his parents are still able to demand the money back from me for the next three years, based on the fact that the check didn’t go to the person it was endorsed to, so then, I would have to lose another $100. She also urged me to talk to Chris and try to get the $100 from him, but I’m not really into that idea. It’s weird, I don’t think I can fight that battle. I was just assuming that $100 was lost and I wasn’t going to get it back. I just was protecting myself against any future losses by not doing it again. It seems like $100 isn’t really enough to fight a battle over, although, if I run out of money and food in the next couple weeks, maybe I should go to Chris and ask him if he can give me any money for food.

I should go to the food stamps people and talk to them about the fact that my card isn’t working properly, but… I just can’t. Not now…

Interesting that bank employees are Alpha SFs sometimes. I was talking to another one the other day who seemed like an ISFP. I always thought they were all ISFJs. There are probably a few of those there too.

Maybe I should give him the $100, AND ALSO let them take the $100 out of my account, so he’ll get $200 out of the deal for his pain and suffering.

It makes sense, I can see why the bank wants to do it. It’s more trustworthy and it guarantees that the money is going to go to the people it belongs to – the bank is overseeing the fact that it goes there to them. And the bank wants to make up for the error.

I had been feeling somewhat cheerful this morning when I saw a little bit of blue sky and a little bit of sunlight, although there are still a lot of clouds. I washed my hair for this. I went to the laundromat and used their sink before going to the bank, just so that I could *slightly* look a tiny bit cleaner. It made me feel better to wash my hair.

I do suspect I have a hernia. I have been pushing on the strange lump that was at the crease of my leg below the abdomen. I should look at a picture of the internal anatomy and see if that’s a place where hernias occur. I can’t push it back into place, but also, I want to be careful about it and I want to know what I’m doing. I don’t like the idea of possibly having a part of my intestines or some other internal stuff pinched in between the muscles – it means they’re not getting enough circulation. I haven’t checked on it this morning to see if it’s still there. I’m just doing ‘watchful waiting.’

I’m up too early and don’t know what to do today. I’m going with Steve later on, but that’s a couple hours from now.

the shittiness of this day is just a pile of shit on top of a bigger pile of shit

December 30, 2016

Sorry, but it is. I have a lot of stuff to complain about, and I don’t even think I’m going to actually complain about it right now.

Is John Rappoport *really* calling the Clintons on his red phone in his bathtub safe space with a rubber ducky in his hand, or is that fake news? This tweet was the only thing that made me laugh today.

I’m on my way to the bank because I finally got to tell Chris’s roommate Mike about the weird check that I shouldn’t have deposited, so he and I are going to go to the bank and talk to them about it, and he wanted to do it as soon as possible, which means I have to get up early in the morning on a night when I couldn’t sleep well. The wind was blowing a lot last night, flapping my tent tarp around and making a lot of noise and making the trees creak. I’m not in an ideal place because I moved my tent in a hurry after the police incident. I prefer to be away from particular types of trees that tend to fall more often than other trees.

Not only that, but some demon is roaming the woods at night
disemboweling medium sized animals and leaving their guts strewn right across the bike path. I do not know what this demon is, but I am going to assume it might be a bobcat or possibly a fox. I have thought we have bobcats here before and I thought that I have heard them screaming/meowing, but I’m not sure. The other night I stayed at the laundromat until almost dawn, and realized I was kind of afraid to go home before daylight. Even though all the youtube videos show cute friendly bobcats being kept in the house as pets and purring and being silly, I would not really want to confront an animal that, they say, can get to be as large as a German shepherd, in the middle of the woods at night during the time of year when they are very hungry. I’m pretty sure I once saw one at night on Mt. Nittany, and it was very very weird looking – it just has a lump of a tail, but still has a cat shaped body and catlike walk. I only saw its silhouette under the yellow street lamp from a hundred feet away, and it ran off.

Steve called last night – not Stefan, but Steve – and I’m going to meet him and go out to eat somewhere today, but I warned him I’m not drinking coffee anymore. We always would go out someplace and get me some coffee. Maybe he’ll cheer me up a bit. It truly has been a shitty series of events, which have just piled up bigger and bigger over the last few weeks, one disaster after another. I hope this trend turns around soon.

30 December, 2016 00:33

December 30, 2016

Heart attacks in the winter might be caused by the drinking water, which is full of road salt, which messes up the electrolytes. I have to buy bottled water that was made before the month when it started snowing and the salt got in the water. I always forget about this, every year, until I start noticing that the water tastes salty and no matter how much I drink I’m still thirsty. Just a theory about heart attacks, although winter fireplace smoke is also a cause.

29 December, 2016 06:12

December 29, 2016

I think I have a mild hernia. I first noticed it last night in bed. I moved my right leg into a particular position and felt a slight pinch, which I thought was just some skin getting caught at the edge of my underwear. The same.thing happened tonight, and when I tried to adjust it I noticed a small lump there. My parents are a doctor and a nurse, and I recall learning about hernias when my brother had one, so that was my best theory after the initial moment of ” oh no, I have a lump, it’s cancer, I’m gonna die.” I palpated everything but could not get the suspected hernia to push back into place. I will not push hard. This is probably from Stefan. I had sex in an unusual position. Then again, this might also be appendicitis. Or some combination of the two. I drank a bunch of milk the other day by itself, which gave me constipation. Hard feces are abnormal for me. I can’t go to a doctor for this until or unless it’s an emergency. It’s right in the fold between my crotch, thigh, and abdomen on the right side.

gamemaker is going well today

December 29, 2016

I ate sage again. It does seem to help quite a bit, but I don’t always notice that it’s helping, so I stop taking the trouble to eat it, and then I go without it for a while, and then I start to notice that I haven’t been able to focus very well, and then I use it again and see that it really does make a difference. It’s just the powdered sage in a little plastic jar from the grocery store. I just dump some of it on my food or else I lick it out of the palm of my hand, which is very bitter, dry, and dusty, but not intolerable. It seems to be better absorbed when I eat it with food like I did tonight. I just dumped a bunch of it on my cheeseburger from Burger King. Maybe it’s fat-soluble or something. I also put rosemary on there, just because those are the only two spices I happen to have right now. I haven’t noticed much effect from the rosemary. My hope was that it would elevate my blood pressure slightly to help me get out of bed every day (since I have a variety of different contaminants on my sleeping bags and clothes that cause fatigue), but it seems to be doing nothing noticeable.

But my brain definitely works differently when I’m eating sage. The effects from fresh sage are probably stronger, but I don’t have anything now except the dry powder. Even so, the dry powder works quite a lot. There are no other noticeable unwanted symptoms at all, and no noticeable withdrawal, or else the withdrawal is so minor that it doesn’t bother me. Maybe a higher dose would give me withdrawal. The only unpleasant effect is sometimes nausea, but that doesn’t happen if I eat it with food – that happens if I lick it off my palm.

So yay! Something that doesn’t even meet my criteria for the definition of a ‘drug’ is having helpful effects for my brain focus and performance with challenging mental tasks. It isn’t addictive, I don’t crave it, and I’m not aware of any harmful effects from low doses, and it’s totally legal and extremely cheap in the realm of drugs – although sage essential oil is much more expensive than the other essential oils, I noticed. It was like $26 for one tiny bottle, whereas the other oils were much less, I dunno, less than $10. That was at McClanahan’s store in town, the one on Allen Street. I’m doing just fine with the powder instead of the oil. I don’t wanna push my luck. I’d try clary sage too. I just don’t have enough money to be throwing around to be testing these things nowadays. Cheap sage powder in a plastic jar is fine with me.

I just seem to be much better able to focus and solve problems in the game making process. I had a whole different approach when I worked on it today. I wrote this chart down on paper and wrote all the different possible scenarios that could occur, such as, for instance, clicking the mouse on empty space, clicking the mouse on a box in the inventory that had something already in it, clicking the mouse on another axe when you were already carrying an axe, and so on. I wrote this whole thing out in a chart. Now I know I have to make some kind of if-then-else statement for all those scenarios.

And then, I started over, not entirely from scratch – I just ‘commented out’ my previous code. It’s still there, so I can look at it and copy and paste it, but it isn’t activated. I’m rewriting everything from the beginning and then copying bits that I need again and thoroughly testing each piece bit by bit to see which parts are causing the weird problems. I’m not saying that I’ve solved the whole problem yet, but rather, I am going about it more systematically and with more awareness of all the possible scenarios that I have to test for and be aware of, so that I don’t have bugs from doing unexpected things that I didn’t plan for.

It does have a debugger program with it, but it’s hard for me to use – it requires its own learning curve. I don’t know how to interpret what I’m seeing. Every once in a while when I use it I learn some new information, but mostly I just feel confused. I don’t understand the debugger well enough yet. I will probably have to know how to use it someday, though. There will come a time when there is such a huge amount of code that I can’t just comment out all the lines to deactivate them anymore.

Anyway I was able to work on it for quite a while and was focused and didn’t feel too much distress or frustration.

thank goodness, the money went through

December 28, 2016

It was finally processed. I can use my debit card, albeit not too much because I only have about $190 for the next couple of weeks. I go back to work on the 7th, which means it will still be a couple more weeks before I get my first paycheck. I will have to eat nothing but chicken and rice at work. I don’t like that at all. Well, I will have to ask for soup – EXCEPT RICH IS GONE AND HE’S THE ONLY ONE WHO WAS EVER NICE ENOUGH TO COOK FOR ME. Dave acts like a total dick if I ask him to cook for me – he totally discriminates against the employees. I’m not a REAL customer and so I don’t matter – he can get all reluctant and irritated and not want to do it so I don’t want to ask him anymore. Rich was so kind and soothing about it – he would always ask if I wanted something and insisted on making it for me. I can learn to cook the stuff myself, it’s just that I usually don’t want to get in their way. I have to do it when there is no business at all.

I want to eat their soup, but I don’t want the super spicy soup base. I don’t believe in the idea that Korean food absolutely must have agonizingly hot spice in every single thing. Hot peppers were brought over from Mexico, which means that Korea existed for thousands of years without any hot spices except maybe wasabi. Where have all those traditional recipes gone? They must still exist *somewhere*, everything from before the hot pepper invasion.

gifts that were okay; REAL fake news; pizzagate

December 28, 2016

3:08 PM 12/28/2016

I’m at home, so this battery will run out eventually.

I wanted to mention I got a couple gifts that I actually liked. I know I’ve been complaining about how much I hate to receive gifts, but on rare occasions, someone gives me something that I really
appreciate. Mike from Maki Yaki gave me two things before the break. People are always losing or throwing away or possibly stealing the vegetable peelers at work, and yet, I need to use them every day as part of my job, and I am not the careless person who is losing them – they always disappear on a day when I’m not there. I’ll come back to work after being off for a day, only to find out that something I absolutely have to use has been lost or broken on my day off.

So, Mike actually gave me a good vegetable peeler. I could have gone to the store and bought one, but I could never quite remember to do it, and it never was quite urgent enough to decide to do it. I always just got used to suffering with using the bad peelers, the ones that are badly designed and that don’t work very well, after the good peeler disappears. So I appreciated that.

The second thing he gave me was his knife case, because it was his old one and he was getting himself a new one. I don’t have knives to put in it yet, but I could get some. He and Dave bring in their own knives so that they know that the really good quality knives, the sharpest ones, are always there when they need them, and the ones shared by everyone are not as sharp and not as good. The old knife case has a small cut in it from one of the knives, so it’s not perfect, but that doesn’t bother me at all.

He also showed me how to sharpen knives on a stone. I tried sharpening them on the metal rod thing and wasn’t confident that I was doing it right, but at least I got to try it. Again, sharpening a knife is something that I don’t always bother to do, but yet, sometimes I am enduring a dull knife when it ought to be sharpened, and it would make things easier if I sharpened it.

So those turned out to be nice gifts that I appreciated, and he didn’t spend a lot of money on them. The used knife case was something he was replacing anyway – his new one was delivered later that day on the day when he gave it to me. The peeler is only a couple bucks, but yet, it’s something that can help me a lot so that I don’t get frustrated and annoyed at work.

I’m actually not super energetic right now and don’t know how long I’ll be writing. This is one of those times when ‘I write what the voices tell me to write.’

REAL FAKE NEWS. I decided that there is such a thing as Real Fake News, and I’m not referring to the mainstream media itself, which is also fake, but ‘real’ in some ways. There are varying degrees of real and fake. It’s not black or white.

So, I read lots of alternative news websites and alternative medicine and all that stuff, websites whose opinions go against the mainstream. I’m an anti-vaxxer, for instance. Some people are throwing around the words ‘fake news’ to slander anybody whose opinion goes against the mainstream or challenges popular beliefs or criticizes powerful people, groups, or the government. That’s also not the kind of ‘fake news’ that I’m talking about.

There are two examples of REAL fake news that I can think of, and they have a slightly different spirit behind them. Some of those things might be what the ‘fake news’ label is referring to.

First, there are some youtube videos, for instance, showing weird weather phenomena. I like to look at weird weather phenomena, so I watch these occasionally. I also know about the existence of ionospheric heaters – not just HAARP, but many others all around the world in many different places – and I know that we are able to control and influence the weather.

Some of these weird weather phenomena, or weird UFO phenomena, videos are obviously photoshopped (videoshopped?). The things happening in them clearly look fake and unnatural to me. The hallmark of these videos is, it’s a huge, gigantic, enormous event that should have been seen by hundreds of thousands of people, and yet, you will only be able to find ONE VIDEO which is being re-broadcast by dozens of youtube channels, always from the exact same angle, the exact same video, the exact same buildings and geographic features in the video. If it were real, there should have been hundreds of people uploading this from hundreds of different angles.

For example, if you look up an earthquake or a tsunami, you will find hundreds of videos made by hundreds of people, all unique and different, so you know this enormous phenomenon was real. The people in them are spontaneous and have a wide variety of different reactions. They are unprofessional looking and they don’t have any kind of ‘introductory logo’ before the video.

The people who are all mirroring this video will always have some kind of smooth, polished, professional-looking INTRODUCTION WITH A LOGO at the beginning of the video. It’ll be, for instance, a spinning globe shape with little things all around it just like the kind of thing you see on the mainstream news. These people are using their computer to produce smooth, polished video productions that look professional and expensive. It’ll be playing music in the background while this animated logo is doing its thing. This is an example of FAKE NEWS. It looks like it’s actually TRYING to be just like the mainstream news, with these musical introductory animated logo sequences before the show.

I looked at something yesterday: trumpet sounds were coming from the sky over Jerusalem and there was a big, gigantic ring cloud with little flaming weird edges all around it, and they’re saying it’s a sign of God or the apocalypse. Only one video. Right over a city with millions of people. You can see the exact same buildings from the same angle – actually, two videos made by the same person, or two parts to the same video – something like that, but only these two specific videos, which are all being shared by various youtube channels with professional-looking polished news-like animated logo introductions with music.

Some of these youtube channels talked about this, and again, there was a mixture of grains of truth in there. One person was talking about chemtrails and related phenomena in a very knowledgeable way, and saying this seemed somehow different from that. ‘COULD IT BE FROM GOD?’ is often the conclusion that these people are pushing, and this knowledgeable person who was talking in a very scientific way about the types of chemicals in the sky, metallic compounds and how exactly they looked and how this seemed different from that, etc etc, VERY scientific and knowledgeable, suddenly went for the ‘COULD IT BE GOD?’ line.

They mixed the truth in there – chemtrails (which are *kind of* real, but there is a whole lot of misunderstanding and disinformation, and I don’t normally preoccupy myself with talking about them very often – I care about them, but they aren’t one of my top ten favorite issues to complain about). I think this lady even mentioned ionospheric heaters and weather control. But then it was a Mainstream God channel which talked about God and the apocalypse in the other videos on the channel, if I recall correctly – I might possibly be remembering things from more than one channel.

I decided that this was in the ‘OBVIOUSLY PHOTOSHOPPED’ category of fake news. Some of these photoshopping jobs are so professional, they look like they are being done by professional special effects people who work for the movies. And they have those professional-looking logo things associated with them. These are people who WANT to be the news. Except, it’s slightly more sinister – it seems to be a psyop, brainwashing people to go in particular directions and have particular attitudes. It’s more than just an accident, it’s being used as disinformation, maybe to distract and entertain people, to mislead them, not merely for amusement and entertainment but to make them believe a particular thing that somebody wants them to believe.

Like the ‘Flat Earth’ posts. David Wilcock mentioned this on a video because somebody said that they had seen comments made by David himself saying that flat earth was real. He laughed when he heard this and said that there were lots of people out there pretending to be him and mirroring some of his videos and that he himself had not said that – he said flat earth was totally fake and it was being pushed by government and military people.

I have seen this on flat earth websites. It is being done by a particular kind of people with a particular kind of writing style that I don’t really like. It’s aimed at people who like to question the government and believe something different from what other people believe, but who are not quite able to understand what is real and what is fake.

I feel strong enough myself to usually understand what is real or what is fake (in certain contexts, about certain topics), and I don’t usually feel scared as a result of seeing somebody talking about something that might possibly be fake or might possibly be real – it doesn’t upset me very much to be unsure or uncertain about whether it’s fake or real. I usually just have a hunch which isn’t stated verbally, just a feeling or impression, that whatever this is, it isn’t something I need to worry about urgently and don’t need to panic about.

Oh, I forgot to mention, about the Jerusalem trumpets thing – one of the other videos said that actually, there was a holiday going on where they really were playing trumpets outdoors – but then they said ‘BUT THIS HAPPENED THE DAY BEFORE THE HOLIDAY STARTED.’ Lol. The video sounded like it was just somebody videotaping on that holiday and hearing a lot of people playing trumpets far away down below in the town, but then they added this big weather phenomenon up above with a videoshop (I don’t know what software does this).

So I sometimes look at these things, maybe for the entertainment value, maybe to see how good of a job they did with the photoshopping, maybe to see if I can decide whether it’s real or not, just for a challenge. This is an idle, occasional interest for me, and not an ongoing passion. I just sometimes get in moods where I start clicking on things and watch whatever I feel like.

There is another kind of fake news which has a more evil, more sinister feeling to it, in my opinion. I have experiences which connect this with the electronic mind controllers, the computer hackers, the people who are stalking me and spying on me and putting voices in my head, so that is why I say it seems more sinister and more evil.

The people who put voices in my head ALSO are doing ‘artwork,’ by playing hypnosis videos in my brain while I sleep, forcing me to dream fake dreams. Somebody has to write those dreams and put all the images together and the sounds and voices and music, and, back when I was still under the influence of antidepressants and residues, when the attacks first began and were extremely evil (they have mellowed out GREATLY since then), back in 2003 and the next couple years, these dreams had a horrible quality and a horrible, sick music that I recognize the style of. I can see some of those sick images in the videos made by the bands who play music at Pizzagate restaurants (there are LOTS OF RESTAURANTS, NOT JUST ONE, involved in this) like Comet Pizza. These videos are made by real live pedophiles and some of them blatantly use the pedophilia symbols (spiral triangles and hearts within hearts) described by the FBI.

Okay, the fake news – it’s hard to describe, because I don’t see it very often. I don’t have a lot of examples to give. It’s kind of hard to talk about the small number of examples that I do have. This is an area where I am uncertain what is real or fake and have no way of finding out – you can’t just look at it and say ‘this is obviously photoshopped.’ It could be real or it could be fake.

Not only that, but it is able to seem to come from multiple sources, multiple writers, because this is a whole, huge, interconnected, cooperating gang of people who are deliberately putting out
disinformation together on purpose. I do not know who commands them.

I am thinking about how to describe these examples.

Some things come from my own personal experiences. I called them ‘hackers’ when they happened, but it is more than that. It is something much larger, sometimes, although I personally am not always encountering the ‘highest level’ most expensive disinformation campaigns. I am encountering some low level trivial stuff, in my personal experiences. I only know that it could possibly be much worse than this, I just haven’t seen it myself.

There was one incident back in 2003. I had already discovered the phenomenon of hackers and computer harassment. I thought that all of the problems I was experiencing were merely caused by hackers, and then it escalated to people who were physically spying on me at my house. Actually that made me think of a bunch of other stuff that I don’t really want to talk about but I will mention it.

The hacker somehow released a news article on some web page that I was reading frequently, I forget what, with ‘real’ news on it. I don’t remember where I saw the link to this article. It was a planted article. It told the truth. I am not saying that this ‘fake news’ article was a lie – this particular one was the truth. Or at least, the tip of the iceberg of the truth.

There was a link to an article about how radio frequency weapons are able to be used to put voices in people’s heads and attack people, except it was unusual for a news article like this, about this kind of topic, to appear in the particular place where I was reading the news. It just happened to be right at the moment when I was getting in trouble with the police because I was going crazy after taking Prozac for a week and had been writing letters to a coworker who reported me because I mentioned the word ‘suicide,’ and they put me in The Meadows (psychiatric hospital) for an involuntary commitment. It was right during this time, and this particular piece of information was given to me at just the right moment, so that it could explain everything I was experiencing and make it understandable.

I actually found that to be extremely helpful at the time, and I am not lumping this together with other ‘fake news’ that I’m talking about. It’s just an example showing that sometimes, a hacker is able to put an article which wouldn’t normally be there, on YOUR web page but not necessarily on everybody’s web page.

It’s when they put them on EVERYONE’S web pages that it becomes more sinister.

During that time, there was another news article which might possibly have been fake, and I have absolutely no way of knowing. I cannot find that news article now – it has been removed from the internet or else it has been buried very, very deeply so that it’s extremely hard to find. During the incidents of 2003, I was starting to believe that my coworker, Dan Crust, at State of the Art Inc, had kidnapped and murdered Cindy Song. Note, there were other people at SOTA who were also probably murderers – Gary Sellers was one of them, and he worked in the ‘radio frequency applications’ division of the company. Dan Crust may or may not have been innocent, and I still do not know how to explain all that happened.

I was being manipulated to believe things, during a time when I was heavily using herbal antidepressants, and then a prescription antidepressant for only a week. I was being electronically mind controlled and my computer was being hacked.

I’m not sure how much of this I can write – my fingers are painfully cold and my battery is slowly running out on the laptop.

I found this ‘news article’ somewhere on the web, which I cannot find anymore, and it showed a ‘composite drawing’ done by the police or someone, an artist? about the person who was suspected of kidnapping Cindy Song. THIS DRAWING LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE DAN CRUST FROM STATE OF THE ART, INC. I cannot find that web page anymore. It may have been fake. This is an extremely sinister example of REAL FAKE NEWS which could have been used to ruin someone’s reputation and even get them thrown in jail and completely ruin somebody’s life (assuming Dan Crust was innocent of all this stuff that I was being forced to believe about him). The web page looked real and professional and it totally seemed like ‘real news.’ It was well done and *wasn’t* filled with (for example) misspelled words or sloppy writing.

I was thinking of this because I am wondering if John and Tony Podesta are actually being smeared by an extremely huge, enormous fake news attack, huge beyond the scope of your worst nightmares. It is possible to do. The only reason I say this is because – I forget which one is which, John or Tony, one of them tweeted that his only regret was that he had been unable to secure full disclosure about aliens and UFOs.

It was shortly after this that the attack on him began – the wikileaks emails, Hillary Clinton – it was all directed at them. I had begun to look at Hillary Clinton in a positive way – just slightly – I disliked her – but I thought, ‘You know, if she and her people are in favor of disclosure about aliens and UFOs, that makes them kind of cool!’

That tweet from Podesta ‘legitimized’ the belief in aliens and UFOs. I too believe they are real and I want full disclosure about them. If a high ranking authority figure can publicly tweet this, then it must be legit. Millions of people around the internet were saying, basically, that. All of them were pleasantly surprised to hear that somebody somewhere in the government was in favor of full disclosure.

Well, there is a possibility that somebody decided to do ‘retaliatory disclosure’ to him. This is just a theory. I am not necessarily defending the Podestas! Everything that is being said about them might actually be true, all the emails, everything. But it might be that maybe millions of other politicians are doing exactly the same thing, but they chose HIM to pick on and harass because he legitimized the full disclosure of UFOs and aliens and made it respectable in a large, public way.

Or, on the other hand, the entire thing could be completely fake, every word of it, and I know, based on what I know about computer hackers and internet trolls and paid disinformation agents who control everything we see on the computer – it is POSSIBLE FOR THEM TO DO THIS, to coordinate a gigantic campaign to create completely fake ‘data’ out of nothing, including thousands of fake emails or emails that have had fake sentences inserted into them. The pizza-related sentences used as code for pedophilia might actually have all been fake emails inserted by hackers. I DON’T KNOW and have no way of knowing. This is just a description of what is possible.

It is an information war, and the scope of it is so huge that people’s minds cannot even comprehend it, not even in their worst nightmares. It is huge, global, and extremely evil and it has enormous, limitless resources behind it.

The way this connected to Dan Crust was: there actually is a ‘composite drawing’ out there, which looks exactly like John and Tony Podesta, of the people who kidnapped Madeleine McCann. The Podesta emails have sort of a glitch at that date – he was gone, he was out of town, he was missing – during the time when she was kidnapped. I don’t know why I called it a ‘glitch.’ I don’t recall exactly what the emails did at that date. The word ‘glitch’ might mislead people to think ‘it was hackers,’ which is why I am unsure of that word (I write what the voices make me write).

That composite drawing could have been exactly like the one I saw that looked like Dan Crust who I thought had kidnapped Cindy Song. I was punished for this – all of what I was doing, thinking, and believing, and suspecting, and theorizing, during that time in 2003 when I worked at SOTA and was using antidepressants. It is the reason why I was put into the ‘ARD’ program, accelerated rehabilitative disposition, something like that, and it turns out, what that meant was, electronic mind control, electronic torture, and stalking by the State College police. Or Bellefonte, whichever. I remember I had to go to Bellefonte to pay my fines and go to court. I still to this day do not know if that composite drawing was real or fake.

I also don’t know how those drawings are produced. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was done by ‘remote viewing,’ in which case, the electronic mind controllers will give the artist a fake image in their brains, which they mistakenly believe they are getting by means of their psychic powers.

My battery on the laptop….

Pizzagate still has more stuff to talk about. There was a ‘citizen journalist’ whose video I watched. (He’s the one who was saying ‘hangry.’ He got thrown out of Comet Pizza because he was periscoping with his phone, so he was hungry, and so they went and got a pizza at Besta Pizza. I think the title of one is ‘thrown out of Comet Pizza.’) People are going into Comet Pizza and Besta Pizza and finding out that they have massive back rooms hidden behind curtains where large groups of people are entering and then disappearing, and if you go in there to look for them, they are gone. Unattended children are coming out of those back rooms and playing ping-pong or foosball for hours. I have gathered this not just from that one video, but from several others.

This is connected to the underground tunnels in Washington DC (which actually are everywhere, but there are a whole lot more of them there).

Allegedly (was it ‘fake news?’) there was an unusual ‘earthquake’ underneath Washington, which somebody said resembled a nuclear bomb. It was one big blast and then vibrations afterwards, not at all in the shape of a normal earthquake. That was a year or a couple years ago. Some people got their hopes up and believed that the good guys had bombed the bad guys, but I think that’s wishful thinking. I disagree with David Wilcock about his optimism. He has been saying that the end is near for the cabal, and that there is an alliance of good guys who are fighting against them. I feel that the number of good guys, and the amount of their resources, is much, much, much smaller than the bad guys – the bad guys have both quantitative, and qualitative, superiority. I got the phrase ‘qualitative superiority’ from a video about the Nazis making flying saucers and possibly having a base in Antarctica, underneath it in the caves made by warm water from, is it volcanoes? I forget.

My battery warnings have begun. My fingers are also quite cold. I stayed up extremely late last night and slept in till 3:00 in the afternoon and had no idea how late it was – I thought it was like 11:00 am when I woke up.

Why have I still been preoccupied with Pizzagate? These people are the same people who are mind controlling me. I feel the same spirit in everything they do. Many victims of mind control have their attackers accuse them of being pedophiles. But the mind controllers themselves are the actual pedophiles and murderers. The ‘all-seeing eye’ is not watching us to make sure that we are behaving ourselves and being good. It is watching us to vicariously enjoy everything when we are being bad. They watch us because they WANT to see us being pedophiles, murderers, and torturers, which is the reason why, even in spite of the NSA being everywhere, serial killers still exist and other murderers are still murdering – the NSA lets them do it, because they WANT them to do it. The mind controllers and total surveillance agencies that look inside our houses and see us from satellites WANT the serial killers to kidnap and murder women. They videotape it and then they enjoy the videotapes. Videotaping and sharing and selling pedophilia and murder is encouraged and valued and allowed.

The only people who get caught are the *little* people who are doing it on the small scale, who manage to offend the wrong person and get caught by the public. Then the police have to PRETEND that they hate pedophiles, when actually they love pedophiles and murderers and they themselves are pedophiles and murderers who are using and sharing the services provided by places like Comet Pizza.

There are only small minorities of decent human beings in the police, and those small minorities are powerless and unable to bring about change.

I have more to say, but my cold fingers can’t type a lot more, and the battery is running down. I can restart it after it shuts down and use it for a while longer, but I don’t like to do that, because then it will do a ‘hard shutdown’ all of a sudden when the battery is completely gone for real, and you lose your data. The first shutdown is only a warning, during a time when it still has enough energy to save all of your data and hibernate.

I tried to shut this down and curl up in bed and get warm and decide if I wanted to go to the laundromat, but the voices said ‘sheep in wolf’s clothing,’ and then I thought of Oskar Schindler and
Schindler’s List, a movie that I absolutely love. So I had to restart the computer and write that down. There are benevolent infiltrators.

6:23 PM 12/28/2016

I’m at the laundromat now and I got some Burger King food, but I used a coupon they gave me a few weeks ago and so I bought something I would never usually buy: disgusting french fries, a disgusting fountain drink (sugar water), and two (not one) of the same burger, the bacon cheeseburger, because that was the deal. I’ll just keep the other burger for later. It’s cold outside. I’ll just put it out there with my bike in the outdoor refrigerator.

I felt like I had more to say actually about pizzagate. I’m not sure why I’ve been preoccupied with it, other than the fact that I am still covered in drug residues and will be for a long time, as long as I am visiting Jacob at Chris’s house, and as long as I have no cash to do the laundry or go take a shower. I just don’t remember what else I was going to say.

I actually – no, I just forgot again. About aliens: there is a connection between aliens and pedophilia. The grey aliens in particular. They’re the small ones. People who like pedophilia also like aliens, and I am seeing them mentioned by these people
occasionally. And Podesta was part of that.

Covering up huge gigantic secrets in the underground tunnels under DC – pedophilia and aliens and murder are all down there, all waiting to be disclosed. And again, it’s not just under DC, it’s in the underground tunnels everywhere.

I wasn’t starving because I had dried fruits, nuts, some granola, the leftover Chex mix from that lady, and a few bites of jerky at home, although the supply of these things is dwindling, and they are expensive. I do have to make another shopping trip for organic dried snacks sometime and would prefer to use food stamps to do that. Fruit is more expensive than it should be because there are active organizations who deliberately and forcibly prevent people from planting fruit trees in urban areas – not a mere ‘theory,’ but proven and verified.

My hunger – again, I have observed that my eating is an addiction and not a real need. I just wasn’t all that hungry when I woke up this evening. The hunger just ‘went away’ overnight. If it were real hunger, then I would be more and more preoccupied and obsessed with food as time went on and as my body’s supplies were used up. If I had really been hungry, I would have woken up hungry, and maybe even had trouble sleeping because of the constant hunger. I just woke up sort of indifferent and was barely even hungry enough to justify getting up out of bed and making the trek up here into town. I drank the orange juice that I bought at BK and now I’m like, ‘meh, I don’t really want all that food.’ (I’m going to eat it, I’m just not wolfing it down.)

I know for a fact that I am constantly, badly malnourished just because of bad food quality, factory farm food, fast food, and all the other mainstream foods I am forced to eat because I have no
refrigerator (and/or a primitive food storage method and system).

Anyway, about pizzagate: I don’t know if there will be a public admission by the mainstream media that it’s real, that there is this huge pedophile network associated with restaurants and politicians in DC and underground tunnels. They’re still trying to cover it up and still calling it a ‘conspiracy theory,’ but the youtube videos and other web pages by citizen journalists are much, much, much more convincing to me than they are. Their rebuttals are utterly, pathetically empty.

I’m preoccupied with it, again, partly because of drug residues, partly because the mind controllers want me to pay attention to this, and partly because I already am familiar with all of it and I resonate with it – I’ve been there, I’ve done that. The mind control experiences I have had, the electronic torture – I *ALREADY KNOW* that there are huge, powerful, wealthy organizations doing horrible, secret things to people, and that if it were disclosed it would be like nuclear bombs going off, and yet, I think even if it were disclosed, the public is helpless in this dictatorship, helpless to do anything about it. These disclosures should teach the evil people that actually, they have nothing to fear and nothing to hide, so they should just come out in the broad light of day and do what they do, because nobody can fight them – they have the weapons, they have the money, they have the technology, they have the mind control.

The only way to fight them would be to get one branch of government to fight another branch of government, kind of like with NODAPL. The ex-military men went there to support the native Americans. We could get the army to attack Washington DC on a free-the-child-slaves mission.

I’m just going to go ahead and post this and eat my food. I had the orange juice and now I feel like maybe I need to eat solid food. I have no idea how I will choke down those disgusting french fries. I like my own homemade potatoes – I get sweet potatoes and then cook them in a mixture of water and saturated fats like coconut oil or animal fats or ghee, whatever I have. I want to try frying sweet potato fries in tallow, but don’t have the means to do it right now.

‘Axe in inventory’ – I’m sure I’ll get it fixed. I am learning to expect that. It just takes more time and more testing and more reading.

Food addiction – some weird ‘withdrawal,’ blood sugar crash, which was temporary

December 28, 2016

So, this is a ‘first world problem,’ and I am well aware of that. I am not really starving. I didn’t get to go to either Burger King or the Uni-Mart next to the laundromat before they closed. They closed earlier than usual because all the students are out of town and they’ve been extremely slow. I suddenly decided I was hungry a little after 11:00 pm and went over to BK only to find them closed. I could’ve gone to Sheetz but didn’t feel like it. I decided to just sit out the hunger.

I’ve known for a long time that my ‘hunger’ is not real hunger. It’s a temporary and passing unexplained sensation that seems to happen either when the contents of my intestines reach some particular place or when my blood sugar temporarily crashes and then goes back to normal. I am not sure exactly what it is. There is a feeling of mild pain somewhere in my abdomen, and then, I was actually weak and almost dizzy, like I had low blood sugar and was going to pass out.

This was ridiculous, because in reality, I eat a lot of food every day and I eat a huge amount of calories and there is absolutely no way in reality that I could actually be in any kind of danger from hunger just from missing one single meal when I felt hungry and wanted food immediately. I just never ignore that hunger signal. I always eat immediately when I feel the slightest discomfort.

So I actually went a while feeling weak and feeling like I was going to pass out, even though I ate a good enough meal earlier and even though I eat high calorie meals every single day several times a day.

I am mystified as to why this happens – why does it seem like my blood sugar crashes temporarily and goes back up again? I am wondering if the bacteria in my intestines are actively secreting a hormone that does something to make my blood sugar drop. I don’t really believe the explanation that ‘when we eat high carb foods it causes our blood sugar to spike and then drop.’ I think there’s more to it. I think there is an actual hormone being actively secreted somewhere in my intestines, in the place where I feel the pain. This is only a theory though and I really don’t have much more to the idea than that, other than just the concept that ‘it’s some kind of hormone being secreted by the bacteria.’

Now my stomach is growling, hours later. But again, I know that this is not real hunger. Why was it that when that author whose name I won’t remember visited the primitive tribes and found that they were extremely surprised to hear that they were expected to eat three meals a day? They were offered a meal and their response was, ‘Again??? Already?’ They expected to eat maybe once every couple days.

Is this because they are eating raw meat, and therefore they actually have real nutrition? Carnivores do not eat every day – lions, tigers, wild cats, and so on. They cannot catch something daily, so they go quite a few days in between kills, and they survive. But they are eating meat raw and so its nutritional quality is much higher (note: I’ve eaten raw meat before, and it gives me parasites, so I don’t recommend eating any more than a few tiny bites until you’re confident that you can handle the parasites. The parasites are extremely uncomfortable and extremely disturbing.).

I have a small amount of cash left, which is what I had been planning to use to get my meal. I just scrounged up the last of the dollars and change. If this bank account thing doesn’t get fixed today I’m going to be very annoyed. I’m not looking forward to trying to struggle to get my food stamps card fixed so that I can use it, and anyway, you have to wait a few weeks for it to be delivered, so it wouldn’t do me any good now. I’d have to do that expedited food stamps thing where you get them faster because it’s an emergency.

It’s just that I can’t deal with paperwork. And I seriously *can’t*. It’s not a mere preference or a mere dislike. I physically cannot do paperwork except with extreme pain. And I cannot do it quickly. And now that my tent is a mess, I have no idea where I would find anything else they might want to see. Although, actually, some of it I know where it is, but I don’t have anything recent from Maki Yaki – no pay stubs.

I would actually almost rather starve for a few days than fill out paperwork. That’s how bad it is. I know for sure I can go to the church to eat dinner on Thursday, if only I can remember to do it. They have a really good free meal.

I know I have food addictions. I always observe them whenever I am in an apartment with a refrigerator and I’m able to cook for myself. I will cook healthy food, but often feel that I have a craving for something that I don’t have at home, even if I am eating plenty of saturated fats and other things that people typically crave. I never feel like I can entirely, completely eat nothing but the food I prepare from scratch at home.

I try to troubleshoot these cravings, to notice what triggers them. Tomatoes trigger tobacco cravings, coffee cravings, chocolate cravings, and sugar cravings, and tomatine is similar to nicotine. I go into withdrawal a few hours after eating tomatoes. Same with hot peppers in any form, no matter how minute the quantities are. I can’t do any of this right now because I’m camping and I have no
refrigerator and I also don’t have any kind of primitive food infrastructure either. I have to wait till it gets warm outside before I can do any work on my camp, setting things up.

I have the pain in my abdomen again – some of it may be because I am drinking straight tap water from the laundromat, unfiltered. If I drink unfiltered tap water it results in pain in my stomach and intestines, because of all the heavy metals, plastics, chemicals, germs, and other horrible stuff. A lot of stomach pain goes away if only I drink filtered water. This pain is interpreted as hunger. It seems to be comforted if I fill my empty stomach with something. I think this isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. It isn’t supposed to be painful.

I have to go home and sleep. I wasn’t able to do much more on the video game. I tinkered with it but didn’t fix the problems. I changed a few things, deleted a few things, tested a few things, and wasn’t able to finish all the testing and tinkering. I know I will get it figured out soon.

a bad day for Axe In Inventory; mistakes make me laugh

December 27, 2016

I’m still working on ‘Axe In Inventory.’ It’s like Billy Crystal who’s been working on ‘The Night Was…’ in ‘Throw Momma From The Train.’

I am displeased. The pending bank transactions did not finish today, so I am still waiting to see if this paypal thing has returned my money. I used up the last little crumbs of money on my debit card and credit card. I have a small amount of money in the food stamps card, but that card isn’t working properly and I have to call them or go out there to the place, which is a huge and impossible thing to do – it requires a pre-planned bus ride and I have to get out of bed during daylight hours, which is extremely hard for me when I am fighting pesticide contamination and other miscellaneous contaminations that are causing fatigue.

Axe In Inventory: I’ve been fighting a bug that seems very resilient and impossible to explain, so I rewrote the whole way of doing things, an entire alternative way completely different from what I did before. Strangely enough, the bug is still there and still happening. It’s not really completely different – I copied and pasted code. However, my theory about what was causing the bug is wrong.

I can’t pick up the axe again once I’ve put it into the inventory. I thought this might possibly be because the axe is an object, and the inventory was an object (I changed that for the test), and maybe having one object stuck on top of another one was causing a glitch. I know, for instance, if the player was running and it would get stuck inside the walls, because I had improperly set the number of pixels it moved in every step, then I would be unable to get it out of the walls if it got stuck really badly.

Or maybe I am remembering wrong. I remember going through the walls if I went fast enough. If there was a glitch that gave me super speed, I would eventually just go right through the wall. When my brother and I played ‘Lock ‘n’ Chase’ on Intellivision back in the 1980s, there was a bug where you could bump against the wall a couple times and you would go right through it, and we thought this was hilarious (and it was also cheating, because you could use it to escape). GameMaker seems to have a similar bug.

So I might be remembering wrong, but I suspected that the axe was stuck inside another object and that’s why it stopped responding after I put it in the inventory. I changed the inventory to ’tiles,’ which are purely graphical, just pictures that don’t interact with anything, AND IT STILL GETS STUCK IN THAT INVENTORY.

So I have to troubleshoot everything and go through my code and figure out what I’ve done that’s making it refuse to move. My code is gradually getting slightly messy and slightly redundant. I had a few lines of code where I looked at it and said, ‘WTF??? I don’t remember doing this. I have no idea what this does.’ If I wrote it only a couple days ago, that’s too long ago, and I’ve forgotten it.

So now I am starting to – I am forced to – get in the habit of annotating my code, which is a good habit. I am writing little comments: ‘this is so you can do X,’ ‘set the gravity to zero,’ and so on. You’re supposed to do that, but it isn’t a big deal when you only have a couple tiny lines of code that are easy to understand. I have a few awkward lines of code that use constants, like ‘if x < 3802 AND if x > 3500’ and so on. I can fix those later – it isn’t important – I am only doing that temporarily to test this problem. Eventually when I need constants for things I will write them elsewhere separately in macros so that I can change them easily and just make references to them instead of typing out the numbers and making mistakes.

I feel like I can’t think very clearly today. I am in a minimal amount of chocolate withdrawal – I ate the pepperidge farm cookies the laundromat lady gave me. There aren’t any more.

I have had a few funny accidents that were easy to fix. I changed something and put all the axes into the inventory, and they all had gravity and so they fell right down and disappeared after going into the inventory, which was funny to watch, and in hindsight I realized I should have expected it. I kind of wish I could do little screen capture videos and post them here, but 1. I don’t have a screen video capture program, and don’t know how to do it using my existing software, and 2. I don’t think I can post videos in WordPress unless I pay money to them. By the way, I get no money from those ads that appear at the bottom of the page. If there is even a fraction of a penny being earned by anyone, it goes to WordPress.

Nothing ever makes me laugh. I have an extremely hard-to-trigger sense of humor. But when a mechanical device doesn’t work the way you expect it to, when you’re sure that it’s about to do something a certain way and instead it does something completely unexpected, that is often absolutely hilarious to me. Making this video game is making me laugh more than usual. If only I made more hilarious mistakes, I’d be laughing more often, but unfortunately I am not doing anything really challenging or complicated that lends itself to frequent huge unpredictable mistakes.

In order for it to be funny, I have to be confident that this code is going to work properly. I have to feel pretty sure that I know what I’m doing and pretty sure that I did it right, so the mistake has to be unexpected. I have to not know in advance what the mistake is going to do. But there cannot be too much frustration involved, or the frustration will make it not funny anymore. If I’ve been struggling and failing with this thing for the past half hour and it makes yet another unexpected mistake that I totally have no
explanation for – being unable to explain it and unable to understand it is key to making it more frustrating – then it’s not funny. But if I have a sudden insight about what caused the mistake, if I understand it, if I’m not too frustrated, if I know it’s easily fixed, then I will laugh, sometimes a lot. Of course the axes all fell out! I forgot to turn off the gravity!

I’m just taking a break because I changed a bunch of stuff, and it all failed, and I went back to a whole bunch of bugs similar to the stuff I fixed days ago with my previous way of doing it. I have to fix all those bugs again. I clicked on an axe and for some reason every single axe in the room disappeared, even though I didn’t think the ‘with’ construct would be necessary or the ‘id’ thing would be necessary, and when I tried to refer to the specific id, it totally ignored me and made every single axe disappear. I couldn’t understand it, and it wasn’t funny anymore, so I took a break from it.

I actually have other stuff on the to-do list for that game, so technically I could stop working on that particular task and try some other new task for a change. I haven’t looked at the task list so I’m not sure what I could do, but I still have maybe five more things that are relevant to this (for now – there actually are hundreds more things to do) that might not involve so many frustrating bugs and failed tests.

Axe In Inventory. The Night Was. Billy Crystal – he was struggling and struggling to write a novel, and it began with the words ‘The night was…’ But he had writer’s block, because his ex-wife stole his entire book and claimed it was hers and was famous for it now. So he was trying to write a whole new book all over again. That’s probably why it reminded me of that – starting all over again with a whole new method because I had a theory for what was causing the problem I was having, only to find that my whole new method didn’t fix the problem.

Maybe I could read for a while or watch a movie, but actually I should go visit Jacob at Chris’s house sometime. It’s just that I dread riding my bike over there when I don’t have a lot of food. I’m waiting till tomorrow and if this bank thing doesn’t fix itself tomorrow, then I’m going to talk to the food stamps people, and I will be ‘hangry’ while talking to them. I will be even hangrier if I have been exposed to tobacco smoke again.

I also need to stay away from Stefan. The more I think about it, the more disgusting the memory seems. I didn’t know I was going to be that disgusted about it. I passively went along with having sex with him, thinking that I probably wouldn’t feel too badly about it later on, but I was totally wrong about that. Note, there is no chance of pregnancy – he did not have an orgasm, and also I am wayyyy past ovulation and approaching my period – another reason for a bad mood. Also, I don’t *feel* pregnant at all – there are absolutely no abnormal sensations of any kind whatsoever. Other than disgust.

I feel too unfocused to fix all the bugs in the new method right now. I’ll give it a break, maybe glance at the list of other tasks that have to be done and see if any of them seem easy.

I have actually had a whole lot of progress, and some of the tasks have been very easy and took only a couple minutes to do, with instant success. When I have ‘instant success,’ it is always kind of a shocking surprise to me. I’m like, ‘Oh – that’s… done???? Okay. Well then! What now?’ It takes me a minute to get myself back together. I’m still sort of absorbing the fact that I just did something and it worked perfectly easily the first time after only a minute or two of coding, when I wasn’t completely confident that it would work.

This is actually the most progress I’ve ever had with GameMaker. I’ve had it for a couple years now. I’ve dabbled in it, bits and pieces, and had some interesting ideas – I wanted to use photographs to make a Myst-Like game where it isn’t 3D, but since it’s a photograph you can go into it by simply clicking and then going to the next photo, but I just didn’t have a big series of photographs that would work for it. I used a bunch of photos that I took from around the house at Mary Jo’s house, including her cat… what was her name? That gray fuzzy thing with the Russian Blue breed fur that’s extra soft, and she was huge and fat and spayed. I don’t even remember her name. Maybe it’s in the name of the photo. Anyway, she was included in the photos of the game, and I really liked that a lot. I’d want to have pictures of real people and animals involved in the game. It’s a really great idea, I just don’t have a decent camera right now. I have a camera, somewhere, buried in my boxes and bags, but I hate that camera and it’s not a pleasure to use. I only take pictures when I’m on drugs.

But I was going to say, quitting caffeine is, I think, a very important reason why I am able to focus on this as much as I have been. When I drink caffeine, I will spend hours and hours obsessing on the internet. I still sometimes do that when I’m not feeling well, but it absolutely definitely happens when I use a lot of caffeine. And I would always use caffeine under the pretense that I hoped it would help me focus enough to do something useful. It never did. If it ever helped me focus at all, the effects were very temporary, and they worked best if I drank expensive special coffees from Starbucks, because apparently, the substances in coffee that affect you are volatile substances that usually evaporate from coffee after only a short time, so it has to be extremely fresh and freshly ground and all that, and they probably have some breed of coffee with extra caffeine in it or something too, I don’t know. So yeah, if and only if I drank Starbucks coffee, I would be able to do my paperwork and my bills and my money and my receipts and my banking – all my money-related tasks.

But now, without coffee, I have spent a couple weeks now persistently working on this game assignment that I gave myself. It’s really unusual for me to be persistent over time. There is no monetary reward. There is only ‘It Works’ and ‘I’m Learning.’ I’m learning enough of the language that, even if I can’t remember the specific details of a function, I do remember that it exists and that it might serve my purposes, so that everything I do is faster and more efficient now. I don’t have to go randomly hunting desperately all over through the manual having no idea what I’m looking for. I’ve become familiar enough with it that now, I at least vaguely have some idea what to look for, because I’ve read and reread many pages over and over again, and I’m using the codes and rereading the help page a third or fourth time and it finally sinks in, ‘Oh!! THIS is what they were talking about! Now I understand!’

But on a day like today, ‘It Doesn’t Work And I’m Frustrated And I Don’t Feel Good Either.’ I’m kind of sick and have had yucky digestive problems since yesterday. 😦 ‘It doesn’t work.’ Oh well. I’m learning enough to be confident that it *will* work again. That’s what I need to learn most. I need to learn this faith, this confidence, that it will work again even after obstacles. The more often I succeed, the more this gets hammered into my brain – ‘Wow! I can do this!’

The other nice thing about teaching myself, alone, is that I don’t have to be graded or compared to other classmates. In school I was originally said to be a ‘gifted’ student, but then I had failing grades later because college required a lot of plain memorization and rote work and I was required to learn things that I thought were pointless and I didn’t want to learn. So I felt like a failure, and the worst thing was, I hated myself for being incapable of forcing myself to be disciplined, being incapable of forcing myself to do pointless tasks – I thought that I *should* be capable of forcing myself to do pointless tasks, because everyone else could force THEMselves to do pointless tasks, and all of them were going to climb the ladder and become wealthy and powerful and have a successful life because of it, and I was going to be a failure due to my inability to force myself to do pointless tasks. I carried that feeling with me forever.

But now I don’t have to see that the other programming whizzes are doing this exact same task ten times faster than I am because they have a different socionic personality type – I had to watch that happening in computer classes in high school. There were a couple guys who did everything easily and instantly, while I took much longer to do what I was doing, and my code wasn’t as ‘elegant,’ although I could still get the job done.

Elegance of code matters, actually – it matters most when your computer resources are limited, you’re lacking memory, and have to use everything most efficiently. I want to learn assembly language too – that’s the way to use the least amount of memory and have the fastest running program.

I want to program a computer that has the same amount of memory as a hand held calculator and is able to be run on a tiny solar cell like a calculator is. I want to make a cell phone like that. Imagine a cell phone whose program is so simple that it runs on one of those little solar things that even work under indoor lights. The battery never needs charged.

Code is forced to be less messy and less redundant when you just simply don’t have enough memory space to do all that useless stuff over and over again.

However, I’m forgiving myself for my messy, sloppy, redundant code. Nobody is in the class with me showing me how much better I should be, and I’m not humiliated by getting a ‘B’ or ‘C’ on my assignments. I’m just really, really slow. The development time estimate on this game is ten years, if I’m lucky. I’m doing all the art and music myself. I’ll have to lower my quality standards and go download some free-for-the-taking premade sound effects. I know they exist, I just don’t remember where to find them.

I will feel better soon, especially if my money problem gets fixed. Then I will go back to being more focused and driven and I will be able to get the bug fixed on this game, or else I will do a different task and come back to this one later. There are infinity tasks to do, and some of them have no connection whatsoever to putting an axe in the inventory, so if I really get horribly frustrated, I can go in a totally different direction and do something else entirely.

The map in Terraria – I was reading about ‘surfaces,’ and they mentioned that if something happens, like if a popup window disturbs the game and focus switches over to that window or something, the surface images can get wiped out and have to be cleaned up again. I have seen that happen with Terraria, with the large map. Sometimes I’ll get a popup window with some kind of notification from the computer, or anything at all that causes it to jump out of the Terraria window, and when I come back, the map won’t work anymore and it has all this black stuff all over it, and I can only fix it if I save the game and then restart.

So that gives me a hint about how to code the map! I know it involves ‘surfaces.’ I have never used a ‘surface’ before and have no idea where to start. I’ve only read about them. I also need to find out how to make the mini-map that follows you when you move, and then there’s also a transparent overlay map that I never use because it’s too disturbing and I can’t understand both visual images at one time. But since I’m copying Terraria, I have to learn how to code that even though I don’t like it.

The blocks are placed by an algorithm, instead of being a
fixed-in-place maze like the old fashioned Mario type games. I *could* make a Mario-style game, more easily… I could…. but I don’t feel a desire to. I did love all the Mario games very much. I also loved Castlevania, and King’s Quest 2 (I don’t recall if I ever played the first one). I loved lots of old games. It would be relatively easy to make a game like those, any of those. It doesn’t really matter which game I choose to copy for the learning experience. Any one of those games is going to be more complicated than I expect it to be and I will be forced to learn a lot.

I learned to draw by copying. It seems like a shameful or inferior way to draw – I was never proud of copying. But, when I was a toddler, I watched cartoons like Wile E Coyote, Bugs Bunny, Scooby Doo, Woody Woodpecker, Heckle and Jekyll (how do you spell that? – NO I am not going to claim that the ‘Mandela Effect’ has made me forget how it was spelled!!!!! NOT THE MANDELA EFFECT!). I used to try to draw those characters. I couldn’t get them to look exactly right, but I picked up these ‘norms’ of how they were drawn – animals usually had a white colored oval shaped patch of fur over their entire front side, the chest and abdomen, for instance. They often wore gloves (although I stopped drawing those). I copied the eyes from ‘Speed Racer’ because it was a Japanese animation and they had big, beautiful, expressive eyes that were much more likable than the ones in American cartoons.

So, I am doing something similar now. I am copying the ‘norms’ of this particular game that I really enjoy (but have some complaints about). The fact that I love the game so much, but had all these wishes about what I would do differently if I had made the game – it’s a perfect opportunity to try that for real. If I had made this game, I would have… wait a minute, why don’t I just make my own!

This blog has gotten really long. I’m unfocused and hangry. I’m saying the word ‘hangry’ because I saw someone in a video using that word again recently, and I originally learned it from my brother, but had observed the phenomenon myself and never given it a name. I’m not sure what I’m mentally capable of doing when I feel this crappy.

gift horse in mouth complaint – It wouldn’t be Christmas if I didn’t hate all the gifts I received

December 25, 2016

There’s a lady who has been talking to me a lot at the laundromat because her dryer at her apartment is broken so she’s been taking stuff here a lot. She’s an ESTJ, in my own Delta Quadra. She brought me a bag of gifts because she saw me today – she went home and got them and came back to give them to me.

This is my analysis of the inner mouth of my gift horse. Thanks for the artificial sweeteners! (I don’t have the little ‘facepalm’ smiley icon, but I would use that here.) She gave me some sugarfree gum, and a whole bunch of chocolate-filled Pepperidge Farm cookies, which I would have loved to eat years ago, but not now when I’m avoiding all chocolate and caffeine. I have a feeling I will eat these – I haven’t been having chocolate cravings, I’ve been having coffee cravings, and only when I’m exposed to tobacco. I have had occasional very small bites of chocolate in random incidents and accidents and did not go back to uncontrollable coffee guzzling.

It also has, HORROR OF HORRORS, OH GOD NO, a RED APPLE, as in a ‘Red Disgusting’ breed of apple. Those things are unfit for human consumption. For the love of God, don’t ever try to eat the Red Disgusting breed of apple. ANY APPLE BUT THAT! And a couple of the tiny oranges, cuties or tangerines, whichever they are – which I already happen to have, myself, at home, because I already bought some and I’m gradually working my way through them. Now I have two more. A granola bar which also contains forbidden chocolate. Two packs of hot cocoa mix, which also obviously contain forbidden chocolate. A ziploc bag of Chex mix party mix stuff, which is kind of okay, except it almost looks like a few of the things in there also might have chocolate.

Two little bottles of body lotion/fragrance stuff – wtf??? I never even go anywhere near that type of thing. I wash my body with shampoo. I don’t think I will even be able to pretend to use those. Sadly they might have to be vanished to somewhere.

‘Are you a vegetarian?’ she asked, and I said no. So, I’ve also gotten these pinwheel things, which have sandwich meat and cheese in them. Those look kind of interesting, but I can’t eat them right now because I’m chewing gum.

Christmas is great as long as there isn’t any gift-giving! I love Christmas lights and Christmas trees, and I do feel a kind of nostalgia for the Christmas tradition feelings and emotional associations. I don’t hate Christmas as much as I hated it a few decades ago. But that’s because I’ve gone a very, very long time neither giving nor receiving any gifts – no pressure. Now that I’m getting gifts, it’s the same thing all over again that I used to hate about Christmas – if you don’t know somebody very well, you don’t know that they aren’t eating chocolate, you don’t know that they
passionately hate artificial sweeteners, you don’t know that they avoid all use of body lotions or any similar products, and, well, am I supposed to give you something in return? Because guess what, there’s not gonna be ANY kind of gift that I’m ever gonna give to you, because I passionately hate giving gifts, even to my closest loved ones, and much less to a near-stranger who is a casual acquaintance.

I’m sorry. Looking a gift horse in the mouth is one of my essential Christmas traditions. It wouldn’t be Christmas if I couldn’t complain that somebody gave me a horribly inappropriate gift because they have absolutely no idea what I like and dislike and they assumed that all my likes and dislikes are totally normal and totally mainstream like everyone else’s. ARGH.

Okay, I guess Christmas is over.

I am having unpleasant experiences. On the plus side, there is more (tiny) progress with GameMaker

December 24, 2016

I don’t even really feel like talking about this too much. Basically, I think it was Thursday, I went to Chris’s house to check on Jacob and also to see if Mike was there so that I could talk to him about the weird check that I shouldn’t have deposited, so that we could decide what to do about it. He’s out of the house at the moment, I guess for the holiday, so I will have to wait a few days for him to come back.

Anyway, when I got there, right away Chris started telling me some new story about why he needed money. Again, he has explained to me that he has compulsive gambling and compulsive shopping because of the Abilify-Prozac combination, and that he never, ever did that kind of thing until he took those drugs, and we both looked online together and found the hundreds of web pages (and lawsuits) talking about this very thing, and we even signed up for one of the attorneys to contact him and ask him questions, although I don’t know what came of that – he says they contacted him.

I knew when he gave me this weird check from his roommate that he had probably stolen it, and so I should beware of the possibility of stealing. A puppet, a kind and genuinely concerned person, a total stranger, at the convenience store, when I was swiping my debit card, and I was also beginning to have a major and severe uncontrollable coughing fit at that very moment – this stranger standing near me at the counter said, ‘Would you like some free information?’

I was confused, and was coughing, and I said, ‘Uhhh… no thank you. Cough, cough, cough, cough…’ I didn’t have any idea what he was offering me.

He persisted, and I forget how exactly he transitioned this so smoothly, but he went on and said, ‘Did you know that banks will cover you if someone fraudulently uses your debit card on the “credit” setting, but not on the “debit” setting?’ This was when I was pushing the button that says ‘debit’ when I was paying for my item.

In the middle of my coughing, I attempted to use my Reflective Listening Skills, which I learned many years ago. ‘So…. if someone steals your card, cough cough cough, and they use it as a credit card, the bank will cover it, but not if they use it as a debit card? Huh. cough cough cough.’

So he was a puppet, because no stranger would have any reason to so persistently and determinedly give me this piece of helpful
information while I was in the midst of an embarrassing coughing fit, for no particular reason, just because it was interesting. He had been prompted to say this to me because it was going to be relevant to me soon.

I went to check on Jacob, and Chris started right away with a new story about why he needed $40 right now. The thing is, there are grains of truth in these stories, which is why they are believable, because he really does some of the things he’s making up stories about, and they could really happen. So, I was taking it with a grain of salt, knowing he might be lying about the whole thing just to get some quick cash for some compulsive purchase of lottery tickets or random bizarre shopping items he was feeling compelled to buy.

I was listening to him but could not look him in the eye very long, because I started to laugh. I was trying hard not to laugh while listening to his tale of woe, because I knew it was probably all a big lie. I understand that these drug-induced compulsions are real and extremely strong and extremely uncomfortable, because I have had drug-induced compulsions myself – drugs combined with mind control, combined with things that you really do want or need in the real world, that have some kind of possible reward attached to them.

So I tried to go along with the tale of woe, but I said I couldn’t give him any money.

Then I made the mistake of asking if I could take a shower. I think that was the moment when he stole my debit card numbers. Facepalm. I took a shower for a long time, because I love hot water, I love taking showers, I love hot baths, and I’m living in the woods and I take a real shower like once a month.

I got out of the shower and he was sort of irritated and was ready for me to leave, so I left.

I didn’t know about this till yesterday when I got the call from the bank saying there was a fraudulent charge. I looked at the date, and the big one that actually got accepted and went through had happened just the day before. It didn’t go completely through – it was still pending. The bank told me about several other attempted purchases that had been rejected as fraudulent and unusual. The only one that got through was for $189.55 on paypal, but it was pending. It would leave me with about $20, because I barely had a little more than $200 at the time.

I texted him with an angry message saying, ‘Anything unusual going on? Doing any online shopping today?’ We then texted back and forth and I made the accusation that he had taken my debit card. ‘I would never do such a thing! I don’t steal!’ he said, of course.

A few hours later, he texted me saying that I should pick up Jacob and take him out of the house. I told him I couldn’t because I didn’t even have enough money left to get a taxi right now, and I couldn’t carry Jacob down the street in my arms. I told him I would ask a friend if I could take Jacob to their house (which I did, and then changed my mind about).

Because I was worried about Jacob, I got on my bike right then and rode over to his house and knocked on the door. I was afraid maybe he would just throw Jacob outside or something, I don’t know what. I actually like having Jacob over there because there are three other cats and Jacob has a very lonely life. Cats are not meant to be alone, and they are not meant to be the one single cat belonging to a human – I really should have more than one. It actually makes me very, very happy to watch him interacting with other cats.

Chris and I talked to each other immediately in a perfectly friendly tone as though nothing was wrong, and I allowed him to pretend he hadn’t stolen and used my debit card. However, I still emphasized that I was going to have to make a trip to the bank the next day to talk to them and fix the issue, and I expressed that this was an inconvenience and a pain in the ass to do.

I ended up sleeping over there (‘sleeping’ should be in quotes – there was a lot of cigarette smoke now that Mike was out of town – he’s the one making the rule that you can’t smoke indoors, and Chris was breaking that rule – and there were frequent lights being turned on and left on in the hallway and nearby and people coming and going, and his friend Stefan was over there, the no-shrimp dude.). They’re all a bunch of Gammas – Chris ESFP, Mike ISFJ, Stefan ISFJ as well.

So, this morning. 😦 Well, inevitable things happened. Jacob won’t be there forever – it’s only while it’s cold outside and only while the police are still at risk of attacking my tent. I’m waiting to see if that police thing blows over first.

Anyway, Stefan slept on the couch in the family room, and I slept on a little foldout chair thingamabob, which was perfectly comfortable for me. Guys wake up horny in the morning. So he woke up and was talking to me and I was telling him about what happened, about the debit card and the problem with Chris. He wanted me to sit next to him, and I barely sat on the edge of the couch but then kept saying I needed to leave. Then I was getting ready to leave, but was waiting for a bus which was still like half an hour away, so we talked more, and I did, reluctantly, allow him to snuggle next to me, although I did this rather halfheartedly and with a frequent ‘no, no, not now, I have to leave, I really can’t do this,’ but not an outright strong absolute ‘no.’ It wasn’t quite awful enough to trigger an outright strong absolute no, so he kept urging, so I allowed him to have sex with me for a couple of minutes – just a kind of patient enduring sex without a whole lot of enjoyment. I could have said no more strongly – I felt aware that I had that option – and he wasn’t raping me. It was just a kind of reluctant sex without much enjoyment. Now I feel emotionally dirty. I am also physically dirty because my clothes are all covered with tobacco smoke.

This is all too much drama. I could insist on taking Jacob away from there, except that it truly makes me so extremely happy and pleased to see him with three other cats. I have hated keeping him with me alone all this time. Even having Max, who he didn’t like and tended to fight with frequently, was better than no other cats at all. But Max died.

I went to the bank this morning to talk about this fraudulent charge thing. Now that I have gotten here to the laundromat and looked at my bank, it looks like the one paypal charge for $189.55 has been given back to me, but I’m not sure how or why. That’s kind of appreciated, if it’s possible to quote unquote ‘appreciate’ something that a thief did, when they took something from you but then gave it back afterwards. It’s kind of like, ‘Yeah. Ha ha. Thanks a lot for giving me back the money you took from me.’

So, after all that. On a totally different note, I’m still slowly, slowly working with GameMaker. I can only do one or two very small, seemingly trivial tasks in the development of the game per day. It takes a great deal of thought and research and a whole lot of reading of the help file. I often encounter things in the help file that say, ‘People usually use this function to do XYZ,’ and that’s what I find the most helpful – I’m like, ‘Oh, that’s exactly what I was trying to do but I had no idea how.’

The trivial things that I have had to learn and fix are things like, I clicked on an axe with the mouse cursor and tried to put it into the inventory. But for some reason, when I did, every single axe in the entire room disappeared and went into the same spot in the inventory. I had to learn about gamemaker’s ‘With’ construct, and I had to learn about instance ids, and the instance_id array, in order to fix this. When I fixed it and it was working properly, it was a, um, I can’t remember the word. It means you should have been all ecstatic about it, but instead you had no reaction at all, counter to your
expectation. It was a … dang it, that word won’t come to me. A counter-expectational moment. It should have been this grand finale thing, but just fell flat, because I still had the axe turned to ‘invisible’ when it went into the inventory, so I couldn’t even see that I had successfully put the axe there. I didn’t even know my code had succeeded. Now I’m frustrated because I really want to remember this word that I’m trying to think of. I haven’t had enough sleep and I’ve had too much tobacco smoke.

Anti-epiphany or something. Anticlimax? I think it was anticlimactic.

So yes, even though it was SEVERAL DAYS AGO that I attached the little picture of ‘axe in inventory,’ I’m actually STILL working on making the ‘axe in inventory’ work properly. That’s how slow and tiny this progress is. Every little aspect of this process has to be copied so it works just like Terraria as much as possible, again, not because I am hoping to get rich quick by copying Terraria, but for the purpose of giving myself a difficult assignment and forcing myself to learn a whole lot of things, so that I could actually make a game where all the details of the game looked as professional as one that lots of people have spent money to buy. I want to know how to make it look professional, and that means I have to be forced to learn how to do a whole lot of things outside my ‘comfort zone.’

I can feel my comfort zone being strained when I look into something and I’m like ‘Ugh, I don’t want to learn about that, I don’t really care, I’m not interested in knowing how to do this, this is trivial, these are just trivial details that don’t really matter,’ and so on. I am forcing myself to slowly and reluctantly look into those things anyway. That’s the whole point of this project. I will become familiar with a lot of things I can do in GameMaker and with all the various functions that are available.

I love it that I can see instant results. If I do something wrong, the game doesn’t understand what I was trying to say, and it absolutely refuses to do it, no matter how much I cry and beg and get angry. I can yell at it and yell at it, but if I haven’t learned how to say something in the proper language with the proper grammar and avoid doing particular things that, for some reason, GameMaker just doesn’t like it when you do those things, then it will finally listen to me and do what I want it to do. This is a huge success when this happens.

I’m also becoming familiar with the norms of ‘how to communicate meaning to the player.’ There are things that game designers do which are not strictly absolutely necessary to the functioning of the game, and those are the things where I tend to say, ‘Oh, those are just trivial details that don’t really matter.’ But they do matter. They convey some kind of meaning, some kind of idea, they help you understand what you’re doing and what’s happening, or they trigger some kind of emotional reaction.

I could potentially write my own music for the game, too. That would be a challenge, but I do have music writing ability and have written music with software in the past – this is something I loved most of all in life. It was my proudest achievement, the couple of little unfinished songs I wrote with Propellerheads Reason. And I can draw my own art for the game, too. The art that I’ve done so far is just a space filler, not real. It wouldn’t look like that when it was finished. I just need objects that are there so that I can test them and make them function properly.

If I keep going this slowly, then I might develop a game sometime within the next ten years. I still have my day job.

Hopefully it will speed up as I learn more and can actually recall the language. I need to be able to memorize it, so that when I need a function I can just be like, ‘Oh, I need to say Function X right now.’ If, at worst, I have to use references and the help file to make sure I get the details right, that’s fine, as long as I remember that this function exists, that it is something useful, and that it would help me do whatever I am trying to do right now.

One thing that bothers me – I know my design is messy – I know there are probably better, cleaner ways to do whatever I am doing. However, all that matters, for the time being, during this learning process, is that I can get it to work. Messiness is going to be explicitly allowed and forgiven. I cannot have optimal, perfect, efficient code with the most ingenious methods and designs at every single moment, while simultaneously I am a clueless newbie who is learning, by myself, and making millions of mistakes, and learning while I make a mistake. If it’s perfect from the very first moment, I will never learn all those other random functions that I am learning while struggling to fix the mistake. I’m like, ‘Hey, maybe I could do it this way. Nope, this sucks, it isn’t working, maybe I have to find some other way. Okay, I’ll start learning about all these other things instead of doing it my original way. Nope, none of that is working either. I just learned a whole bunch of stuff but none of it worked. Okay, I’ll try this other thing – HEY! It worked!’ That’s how I’m learning. Making tons and tons of mistakes and having lots of failures.

That’s one thing that bothered me greatly about the mind controllers in the beginning. Whenever I would try to learn something, the voices in my head would relentlessly insist that I must never make a single mistake, must fix everything instantly, and must do the absolute optimal, most perfect thing, the first time, every time. I hated the voices when they did that to me. They didn’t understand that I have a roundabout way of learning, learning lots of random things that may or may not be directly relevant, doing it a messy way when there could be a better way, but learning all sorts of stuff while struggling to do it the wrong way. I’m learning so much more by doing it all wrong, than I would learn if I did it exactly right and perfectly the first time every time because someone gave me the right answer and forced me to memorize that right answer and spit back nothing but the exact right answer. The voices had no grasp of this concept at all, in the beginning when their attacks were much worse than they are nowadays. They seem to have either mellowed out, or are just attacking me less in general because I’m no longer on drugs.

So, with all of this other crap going on, with the police attacks on my tent, with Jacob being moved, with me being friends with a psychiatric drug-addicted thief who can’t resist impulses, with this temporary money theft that maybe, just maybe, has been given back to me for some reason – with all that, I still have been working on this game and having my one or two tiny successes each day, punctuated with a large amount of break-taking after each success. Yay! I did it! Time to totally forget about trying to do anything at all for a couple of hours!

Actually, though, I am becoming stronger and more confident. Yesterday, when I fixed that problem with the axe in the inventory, and realized I had succeeded at this task, I immediately wrote down six or seven new small tasks that all were related to this that all needed to be worked on, and I started immediately kind of thinking about how to do them. I picked one to work on, and I halfheartedly and quickly worked on it today, already, and got it done very easily because it turned out to be not a complicated problem at all.

So I actually generated a whole new list of tasks to do immediately, the very first moment after I succeeded at one particular task. This means that my mind is becoming more confident that I am capable of doing this. It isn’t such a huge, enormous, impossible hurdle anymore. I feel like I jumped the hurdle and still had just a little bit more energy so that maybe it would be possible to jump a couple more hurdles afterwards. As I get more and more familiar with the gamemaker language and am able to remember things more easily, I might be able to do two, or three, tasks one right after another without taking such a long break in between to rest. Then again, I know there will be moods, and there will be good days and bad days, days when I just cannot think at all and cannot muster up the energy to work on such a difficult and impenetrable task as whatever-it-is will be.

Working on this game actually makes me happy. I’m really enjoying this. I love learning.

23 December, 2016 15:03

December 23, 2016

“We are all One” is not something a powerless person says about a powerful person. A 5 year old kid can’t say, “I’m one with the president, so you must obey everything I say.” He’d get laughed at. A person who is already powerful says “We are one” to the powerless slaves. You are merely a cell in my body, and your purpose is to provide money to me. I sit here, and you do all the hard work. The scary thing about this “Ra” faker is, he really eats, sleeps, and breathes that whole belief system, sincerely. Whoever he is, he’s in a secret society or agency where they brainwash kids from birth to be entitled to parasitically feed off the wealth of humanity. We are gods. These mere ‘distortions’ of ‘mind-body complexes’ show up on our electronic mind control system. We dehumanize them. It’s scary to imagine the kind of secret society that immerses their kids in this from birth, but they are real. They have no qualms about causing pain and suffering and interference to these mere “distortions,” who mistakenly believe themselves to be individuals instead of cells who feed the leader. The only person who can even pretend to have ” compassion” as Ra said with this belief system is someone who is already so wealthy and powerful they want nothing more. They’re already well fed so they don’t demand that you give them babies to eat. The only reason they’re wealthy is because they control the computer system where imaginary money is created. Power is an unquestioned non-issue to them since birth. But if a powerless person applies the philosophy while seeking power, they will ruthlessly eat babies and justify it with the philosophy. Power is still a painful issue to them, so they are in the stage of violence and cruelty, which Ra never went through because his ancestors already brutally stole power in the past and he grew up in a painless easy life. So he can talk of how us foolish mortals ” distort” his perfect philosophy, which is perfectly compassionate when manifested by the controller of the mind control system.

23 December, 2016 13:28

December 23, 2016

I glanced at “The Law of One” after watching some videos of David Wilcock. I enjoy his work but at the same time it has no effect on my daily life decisions, so I don’t have to care too much if it’s true or false. I used to watch “SecureTeam,” a UFO YouTube channel, with the same attitude, a sort of almost-fictional enjoyment, but then saw a *devastating* proof that it was fake, and couldn’t unsee the fakeness afterwards (the guy said Tyler modified his own voice, but used the same turns of phrase, to pretend to be a female interviewee). Nobody has done such a devastating, unforgettable disproving of David Wilcock that I’ve seen yet, so he still has that almost-fictional entertainment value. But I looked at The Law of One, and it was total Cabal bullshit. “We are all one, so I can eat your baby. It’s already part of me. I’m eating myself. It hurts me as much as it hurts the baby. The baby screaming is a mere ‘distortion,’ a misconception of our mortal bodies. The mother’s distress is just another distortion. She mistakenly believes the baby is a separate individual. She doesn’t understand that I am her baby because we are all one, so she’s feeding her own baby.” And so on. The speaker, “Ra,” said humans didn’t manifest this belief system with the compassion they’re supposed to bring with it, but Ra is willing to try again to communicate to humans. It’s obviously a government button-pusher sending his voice through radio frequencies and then having a huge LOL with his buddies. “Dude, we got these people BELIEVING this shit!” Or maybe the shadow government, or a secret group, whoever. But not a god named Ra. I need to find out how to encode a title in a text message. Anyway, I read the bullshit long enough to cause pain, and had to remind myself about Anaya, my own vision of what a religion should be. I was also probably contaminated after visiting Chris. I didn’t give him any money this time. I just checked on Jacob and took a shower. He isn’t sexually aggressive at all. He’s an XYY or XXY, kleinfelter.

why won’t this post?

December 22, 2016

Post by email seems to be lagging. But if I repost it using some other method, then it will be posted multiple times.