Archive for July, 2009

sick day

July 24, 2009

spent the day lying around resting, feeling like a truck ran over me. don’t know what the problem is. my muscles feel weak and sore and exhausted. i have no energy. my head hurts. barely able to move or hold my head up or walk around.

wasted day. didn’t get anything done at all.

Tweet: I’m feeling much better now

July 21, 2009

i got a little bit of rest. i even have a sense of humor again.

a long time ago there was a show called ‘night court.’ there was a tinfoil hat guy (if i’m remembering the right show) who used to say that he was in the mental hospital, but he’d say ‘i’m feeling muuuuch better now,’ in a scary, creepy way. it might have been ‘newhart’ and it might have been ‘cheers.’ i remember back in the days when i used to watch television, i watched those shows with my parents. that was a pleasant memory.

i drove across town, and parked at tudek park. i rested in the car. i didn’t fall asleep, except for a few seconds when i was hypnotized, but the rest of the time, i just laid there awake but resting. i’ve done this before, just go sit in the car at the park, and it made me feel better. it worked this time too.

at first, i could still hear some voices. there are unavoidable, quiet voices that seem to happen everywhere. but the leg torture wasn’t happening. my legs felt just fine when i went across town and tried to sleep there.

after lying there about 15 minutes, somebody starting ‘slipping’ or ‘buzzing’ the place where my leg was pressed against the steering wheel. if you press part of your body against a hard surface, they will buzz the spot until it slips and gradually moves into a slightly different position. if you don’t know you’re being attacked, it seems as though it’s just ordinary friction. but they will also make the muscles twitch around that location, and they also give it a recognizable tickling sensation just before the slip happens. i believe this particular attack is an ultrasonic attack, but i’m not sure. anything ‘physical,’ such as objects moving or making clicking noises, is probably sonic. (it’s easier to imagine sound waves being able to vibrate things and move them.)

i adjusted the steering wheel so it was no longer against my leg. so that stopped happening.

they banged on my window a bunch of times, making a clicking noise as though an acorn or something fell from a tree, but there’s nothing there. after doing that a few times, they quit for some reason, instead of doing it continuously.

after a while, most of the attacks seemed to stop. i still couldn’t sleep, but i was able to rest. and i was getting a little bit of sunlight, which cheered me up. it’s good to get a little bit of sun on your skin and in your eyes. the air was fresher, too – not moldy like in my house.

there were people at the park, people with kids, talking and laughing and playing around. it also cheered me up to be around people.

so… i’m watching a harry potter movie for the 621st time, for comfort, and i will start working again on the house. i play the movies whenever i have to do unpleasant housework.

i figured i would let everyone know that i was somewhat cheerful again.

rage incidents

July 21, 2009

i keep writing more blogs because i am getting hit with various drugs while going through stuff; and i tried to take a nap, which sjw makes me do, but i napped for only a few minutes (when one of the murderers forced me asleep) and then woke up very quickly afterwards (when a murderer forced me awake). then they were continually torturing my legs, making me wiggle my feet, and buzzing the air bubbles in my stomach.

since i have been hit with drugs several times, these things are triggering rage much more than usual. it hasn’t yet been enough rage to make me punch the wall with my hand, or scream out loud, or throw something across the room, all of which i have done before.

i need to sleep, because if i slept really well, i would wake up happy and refreshed, and i would probably be able to pack up the rest of my belongings pretty quickly, and actually be cheerful about it too.

also, all day they’ve been bugging me because ‘glow’ is a weak translation of ‘albright,’ and they wanted me to find a better translation. ‘lex’ is fine with me if you think of ‘lex luthor,’ which is what i was getting at. i had seen something on the web mentioning a person by that name (m. luther) who was in iowa, and it was an older person, from the early part of the 1900s. i forget where i saw that reference or what it had to do with.

albright could be ‘all right,’ which is ‘okay,’ ‘fine,’ ‘good,’ etc. or it could be something else that means ‘all,’ like ‘omni’ or something, with a synonym for ‘bright.’ i do agree that glow is a sloppy, hasty translation.

they were pestering me about the weak translation, and since i was enraged, i was fighting back against them, because i am trying to block him out of my mind, and they keep reminding me of him, every day, over and over again. so every time they were saying the words ‘lex glow’ to me, i was responding to them by threatening to kill them, even though i don’t know who they are or where they are and have no way of finding out where the voices are coming from. they were saying those words, while simultaneously triggering a fake, induced emotion of shame and humiliation.

anytime i do anything which is the slightest bit imperfect, dorky, or whatever, they remind me about it again and again all day long – this includes things like minor typographical errors sometimes – and they trigger the fake shame. so they were doing that to me all morning.

then they were saying ‘you crossed the second line’ because i put his real name up. supposedly i have to perform a series of tests in order to ‘win’ the ‘game.’ they also are hinting that i have to say something to one of his family members, and i am not looking forward to that. obviously, it will be another forced incident just like all the other ones.

Nonliving objects have feelings

July 21, 2009

i sometimes hate being ‘thin-skinned’…

i am throwing away some clothes which are contaminated. i know from experience that when i would try to wear them, the drugs would go through my skin, and i would be uncomfortable for hours, and it wouldn’t go away, and i could wash them dozens of times – i tried – and it won’t wash out. i’m handling stuff that has a more benign residue, something like st. john’s wort possibly, not ephedra. most of the really bad ephedra stuff is already long gone.

however, even though i know that i have to get rid of this stuff, it is heartbreaking to throw it away.

this has happened ever since i was a young child. i project feelings onto physical objects as though they are alive. i threw away a pair of old moldy shoes that had been soaked with water. they were sitting in a plastic bag alongside an empty bottle of starbucks frappucino.

i took out the bottle of frappucino and put it into my kitchen trash. then, i took the shoes down separately to the dumpster.

right away, i started thinking, the shoes had sat there with the starbucks bottle for so long, that they were friends and they would miss each other now that they were separated. it actually hurt me to put the starbucks bottle into a separate trash can than i was putting the moldy old shoes into. i guess i could bring the kitchen trash down and put it in the dumpster right now if i really wanted to.

but when this happens, when objects have feelings, i have to tell myself, these are not people, these are not animals, these are not my friends, family, children, they are not alive. material objects are nothing.

when i was a little kid, i never threw away an old toothbrush whenever the dentist gave me a new one. i kept all the old toothbrushes under the bathroom sink in the cabinet. i kept them there for years and didn’t do anything with them. one time, my mom found this hoard and threw most of it away. i had several incidents like that, of hoarding things because objects had feelings and they didn’t want to get thrown in the trash.

i was reading about scientology. scientology has a purification protocol. it’s different from mine. in theirs, you take large amounts of vitamins. in mine, i avoid using vitamins because the vitamins themselves can be dangerous and cause more problems. anyway, i haven’t read the detailed instructions on how to do scientology’s ‘purification rundown,’ but i wonder if they have any knowledge about contaminated clothing with drug residues that go through the skin. they did mention something about using that purification rundown to help people who were working on cleaning up meth labs. meth labs are similar to my ephedra residues, in fact, ephedra is often used in meth labs, and it would be one of the residues that they are cleaning out of the area. they would have exactly the same experience with an extremely toxic, heart-attack-and-stroke inducing drug going directly through the skin and contaminating the clothing. so i wonder whether they (scientology) know about that phenomenon or not. i haven’t read about this anywhere else, not in quite the level of detail that i have observed it.

anyway i wish that i had support, from somebody somewhere on earth, who could say to me, ‘yes, you’re right – there really are drug and chemical residues on those clothes you’re throwing away, and yes, you’re right, they won’t wash out in the laundry.’

i hate throwing things away. i wish i didn’t have to do it.

but i am reminding myself that the goal is to prepare for having children. the children cannot touch these residues. and i cannot touch them either, or it will be hard to get pregnant and not miscarry. not only that, it triggers incidents of ‘unpredictable behavior’ which put me at risk of people calling the police on me.

i was already ‘anti-gift’ before this contamination incident. now i am even MORE anti-gift. i HATE receiving gifts. it’s more junk and clutter that will have to be moved from one apartment to the next. if you give me a gift, then you must be responsible for lifting it and carrying it up and down the stairs and renting out extra storage space to put it in, and cleaning it off when it gets contaminated.

it’s possible to find a gift that i would enjoy receiving, but even i myself can’t describe what type of gift that would be, i mean a nonliving physical object type of gift.

it’s easier to throw things away whenever they are plain and not unique, when they are practical and functional instead of decorative, whenever they don’t have any faces or images of animals or people or living things on them. i get the creeps from amish dolls that don’t have any faces, but at the same time, i feel that way too – that it’s even more painful when a toy or doll gets destroyed or thrown away, if it has a cute face or a sad face and you can project feelings onto it. if something is blank and faceless it’s easier to get rid of it or accept that it gets destroyed.

so, for instance, it’s easier for me to throw away my plain white socks, which tend to get the most contaminated because of being in my shoes which touch the carpet – anything which gets near or on the carpet gets contaminated.

i am buying really cheap clothes at goodwill, and avoiding anything that’s unique. it has to be generic and something that i don’t like all that much, yet i have to be able to tolerate wearing it for a while.

i was really excited because i found a pair of pants that were made out of tencel. and i think they were $0.29 (for some reason, they changed it to 29 instead of 25). tencel is a fabric that i really like – it’s like cotton, except it’s manmade – and a few years ago, i had a couple of shirts that were… inappropriate to be worn in public, i should say, which were tencel and very soft and very thin. the fabric is drastically different from polyester – i loathe polyester, i can’t stand it, i can’t stand how it feels. but tencel feels just like cotton, but even softer and more rippling. it breathes, and it doesn’t get staticky. i cannot wear staticky fabrics, especially with long hair.

anyway, i found those tencel pants, and right away i said no, i refuse to buy these. i could not bear to throw away something so nice as a 29 cent pair of tencel pants when that was such a wonderful find. every time i get ready to buy something, i ask myself if i can imagine throwing it away.

after i go to the new place, the carpet won’t be contaminated. but my car seat will still be, and also the car floor. but i expect that my clothing will be reusable – i am praying that i will work, that i won’t have the contamination problem anymore, when i no longer have pants leg cuffs dragging on the carpet. it will be greatly reduced, but not completely gone, with the little bit still in the car.

well… back to cleaning up.

religious routines

July 20, 2009

i went to the chuck palahniuk website a few days ago; it was associated with thinking about martin. the hyperactive enneagram sevens are personified there.

they’ve been talking to me about how chuck palahniuk’s father was killed, and how his books are partly an expression of the rage from that.

i have voices pretending to be newbies, but of course i can’t know if they really are newbies. there will be real newbies only if i deliberately go hunting for them, and invite them to my sites. i don’t have an organized admission system yet. that’s something i read in diana leafe christian’s books – that the admission process is important for any intentional community. it filters out members who aren’t really serious, and it communicates the missions and values to new people so that they know exactly what they’re doing and how it will be done.

i believe that no group, no social movement, will survive unless its people meet locally and eat meals together. they have been reminding me that holding hands is very important. we will take hands before a meal. meals must be several times a week. i would like meals to be very frequent. that is the only way a group survives. DLC also said that singing together is important. so it will be like a church in that respect. i don’t know what we will sing. it doesn’t have to be a lot. this community is a ‘way of life.’ it’s not just something that you do on the side.

groups must have reliable routines that occur frequently and regularly. members must trust that the routines will happen again and again – they can’t be sporadic or intermittent. the routines cannot just happen whenever we spontaneously feel like doing them. so we need schedule-oriented people to help enforce this.

this is a day when i get manic and impatient, and frustrated. i want everything to be already started now. nothing exists yet, but i have these ‘newbies’ in my head getting excited about the idea of a group.

***

someone tried to explain to me how it is that the artificial intelligence (or artificial stupidity) is able to respond and interact so quickly with the victims. it makes people wonder if they have an implanted chip, or nanotech, because the response sometimes seems very fast. i am still going to assume that it comes from outside, not inside. once you learn that people can be manipulated without any implants, then you can draw the conclusion that everyone everywhere is vulnerable, a potential puppet. there are people who do have implants, but i’m saying, they are able to do almost everything without needing implants.

the libertarian party: harry browne and others complained that the libertarian party was weakened because they stopped doing an official ‘membership drive.’ they used to deliberately go out and try to get a certain number of new members, according to a goal. then they stopped doing that. people are now complaining that the libertarian party is corrupted and useless.

that could be true, and i am not going to spend my energy working with the libertarian party – i used to think that i might possibly do that. but it was after i read the news article,’evidence mounts that the vote was hacked’ (or ‘has been hacked,’ i forget the exact words) that i decided it wasn’t worth wasting effort on voting. i never saw another news article like that one. i think it’s a taboo subject, censored out, not allowed to talk about.

they complain about voting machines, and yeah, voting machines do suck – i used one the last time i voted – try doing a write-in vote and you’ll see how awful it is. it’s easy to use unless you want to vote for somebody who isn’t on their list. but it wasn’t the voting machines that were the problem. the problem was because all the votes were recorded on an ordinary computer in an ordinary excel file and sent across the internet to another ordinary computer, which was getting hacked into and someone just had to rewrite the numbers, and that was all. nothing complicated.

that was one of the last straws making me officially an anarchist. what type of anarchist? there are so many types. my feeling is, the government is within – i am the government (or ‘we are’ the government) – i am responsible for making the rules and creating a community that lives by those rules, or joining an existing intentional community.

that means that we are responsible for some unpleasant things that we wish didn’t exist, such as the people in prison, and sick people, and interacting with other existing governments that disagree with us. all of those things are real, and difficult, and expensive, and we are responsible for doing something with them. a religion is similar to a government in some ways, except that you are allowed to leave. you can quit being part of a religion.

if you can’t quit a religion, that’s called a ‘gang.’ or organized crime. it’s not the same thing. if somebody attacks you after you leave a religion, that’s not the type of religion that i’m talking about.

*****

and right now, i’m just writing to entertain myself. i’m waiting until i go to work.

the peeping tom

July 20, 2009

today’s theme was ‘dennis is the peeping tom.’ that’s what they woke me up with. for all i know, he could be. i protect myself by suppressing and denying thoughts like that. whether it’s true or not, i can’t do anything about it.

i use the ‘innocent until proven guilty’ assumption to protect myself against doing ‘vigilante’ behavior, because i have plenty of reasons to be angry at whoever has done these things to me over the years.

they were talking about how i said it was a ‘mere inconvenience’ that i was moving to bellefonte. i’ll say that again: for the stalkers, it is a mere inconvenience that i am moving someplace else. from my point of view, i see continuity: the harassment keeps going, no matter where i go. i’ve driven my car and i’ve been attacked at places very far away. i already know that going to bellefonte might change the style of attacks, the particular details of what happens, the particular voices i hear, but for me, it’s just more attacks.

i was getting death threats again and also somebody claiming to be suicidal. there is no way for me to understand what’s true merely by hearing voices. they *constantly* pretend to be somebody else. they constantly create false and misleading beliefs and interpretations. today’s theme, as i said, was all about dennis and how he was the peeping tom and blah, blah, blah, and he was also the person i was talking to when i was talking to the voices, and all that.

got technical knowledge? i don’t. i’ve skimmed through a variety of reading materials to get a vague idea of what’s being done to me and how it’s being done. however, some people out there DO have technical knowledge. couldn’t they do something useful with that knowledge? couldn’t they use their weapons to test a shielded box that would actually help the victims?

we wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not ‘perps’ could be trusted to participate in building a shield. the victims will know right away that the shield is working.

‘they’ are incapable of stopping themselves from constant, neverending attacks. in fact, some of it is automated, from an artificial intelligence. it happens and nothing stops it. so if it stops when you get in the shield, you don’t have to ask, ‘are they just pretending to stop?’ there is no second guessing as to whether or not they really are still able to get through the shield.

these people have no self-control. they are PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE of stopping and restraining themselves. if they are physically able to attack you, they will, because they are physically unable not to. so if the attacks stop, the shield is working.

no shield will ever be perfect. somebody will bombard it all day long for months, looking for some way to get through. they are physically incapable of finding something more useful to do with their time. but that doesn’t mean the shield is useless or that it’s not worth building it. it just means that it will never be perfect, it will only be an improvement over being totally vulnerable.

Thinking inside the box: Create your purpose

July 20, 2009

Purpose: the one thing you cannot have while being controlled. You cannot create your own purpose and then be guided by that purpose through every action every day – while also serving someone else’s purpose – it cannot be done.

Purpose: one of Nathaniel Branden’s Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. One of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. One of the most important questions of your life.

When you step out of the box, they will hear you immediately. They will hear what your purpose is as you use it to guide you throughout the day. But it won’t matter: you will go back to the box every day, and remind yourself of your purpose again. You can plan your actions based on the purpose, and still do them, at least some of them, according to the plan.

Purpose: a reason behind everything you do. As a slave, when you are being controlled, everything looks random and incomprehensible from your point of view.

You can’t understand who is trying to accomplish what. You don’t know the overall strategy. You can’t answer the question, ‘Why are we doing this?’

Inside the box, you can ask ‘why?’ again and again, and answer it yourself.

At the end of the day, you come back and review what goals you achieved that day. Every day, inside the box, you realign yourself with your purpose.

i hate being a puppet

July 19, 2009

after i wrote that, the voice said ‘hua,’ which is from the usual spelling of ‘whoa’ – martin spells it ‘woah’ because that’s more like how it sounds.

i used to question things like that too and i had some unusual linguistic practices, but i would have to look at my old papers to see. i LIKE him for defying the usual way it’s done, and doing it a better way that makes more sense.

THIS IS WHY I HATE BEING A PUPPET! i say stuff like making fun of his ‘unconfortable’ when that’s not how i really feel! i LIKE the things martin does! i said i was grateful just to get a reply from him, and i was!

Spam comments, LOL

July 19, 2009

I am tempted to post my spam comments for the sheer entertainment value.  They have usernames like ‘snandyeffola,’ ‘prooreorm,’ ‘jesFisabape,’ and, last but not least, ‘BopWhokBeex,’ which I struggle to say out loud.  From now on you can call me BopWhokBeex, if you can.

Ambulance triggers panic attack.

July 19, 2009

(I’m in the mood to capitalize my sentences. Don’t know why. No need to overanalyze.)

I disconnected from the internet and was thinking about what I might want to eat. I looked out the window and saw an ambulance pulling into my parking lot, along with a car.

I think what might have happened was, somebody might have called the ambulance while driving, and they pulled off the road, or something, I really don’t know. It had nothing to do with me personally. They pulled off, and went a little further down towards the pond, and a couple people got out of the ambulance and were talking to the people in the car.

However, when I saw the ambulance, and when they stopped, I had a panic attack. ‘Just get out of here,’ I said, and I calmly walked down to my car, looking at the ambulance and wondering if somebody would try to stop me or chase me. I got in my car and left. Nobody chased after me.

I had a panic attack because in 2003, I think, the police were called and I was taken to the mental hospital, because I had been writing letters to a former co-worker at State of the Art, Inc. I was involuntarily committed for five days, but fortunately, at that particular hospital, they did NOT force-drug people who calmly refused drugs. I was calm and ‘well-behaved,’ not fighting or shouting, not showing any intense emotions, so they didn’t drug me. That was very lucky, because at some places, they just drug anybody and everybody even if you refuse. Drugs can have permanent, disabling effects.

So when I see an ambulance – and an incident has recently happened, where I tried publicly ‘outing’ Martin, and also testing the censorship theory, which is that I often believe that certain pages of my blog are not visible to the outside world, if they contain controversial or important information – so that incident happened yesterday, and it could be construed as ‘libel.’ Although I framed it in a way that was not intended to harm his reputation, unless he wanted to have a reputation as a jerk who deliberately seduces girls and then won’t answer their emails, in which case, I might be wrongfully improving his reputation by making him look like an innocent person who can’t understand why he’s losing all of his emails and phone calls – when in fact, he’s doing it deliberately.

Does that make any sense? So anyway. Now, I’m sitting around wondering when the police will be called, because I wrote his full name in my publicly readable blog, and described him in a way which he might think is inaccurate and doesn’t represent the true person he is. Although I think my ‘he can’t help it when emails get lost’ theory is much nicer than the ‘he’s a jerk’ theory. Now I’m wondering if his name got automatically changed to some other name, like Fred Smith (who is Fred Smith and why do I always use him as an example whenever I need a fake name?).

I should post the responses that he’s written to me in recent months, in his note that he gave me and his facebook email replies. The only phrase I can use to describe them is, ‘WTF???’ His responses were exaggerated, irrelevant, had little or no connection to anything I had said. It was like randomly blurting out a bunch of defensive-sounding, I don’t know what the word is for it, ‘bluster?’ ‘You crossed a line which was unacceptable.’ (What line? WTF? That’s what I’m trying to ASK you about!) ‘I never considered anything flirting…’ (WTF? Okay, okay, we weren’t flirting! Friends only! Jeez!) ‘I am getting tired of this…’ (WTF??? I haven’t written an email to you in months, and you’re tired of it? Has something been happening that I don’t know about? Is somebody writing you emails and impersonating me?) And then all of a sudden, here he is reading my other blog, looking at my youtube video, and then mimicking my face and my gesture but adding a middle finger to it as well. WTF?

So I really don’t know what to expect. He’s sort of unpredictable. That’s why I was trying to communicate with him and ask him what he doesn’t want me to do.

Anyway, so if that blog post was libel, using his real name, it’s libel because it wrongfully ruins his reputation as a jerk, and instead, portrays him as a nice, innocent guy. Or at least, that’s what ‘they’ have been joking about all day long (joking, or being cynical, or whatever the word is – they tell me they’re serious, not joking). Me, I’m still doing the ‘he really IS innocent’ interpretation, until the very end when he decides on his own to communicate some more to me. If I had a conversation with him, and he tried to explain what was happening and why it happened, I would try to understand and take him seriously. But I’m imperfect, and I’m also a puppet, and puppets cannot do the mental focus needed to be understanding and compassionate; so sometimes, I say the wrong thing.

Anyway, I protect myself by saying ‘whatever is happening, he can’t help it.’ I have reasons why I use that theory. It protects me from getting angry at a time when I can do nothing. I can’t communicate with him, so what use is it to get angry? As a target, I would be angry 24 hours a day, being the victim of constant attacks that I can’t stop and can’t control. I tell them ‘no,’ I tell them to stop, and they don’t – they just do whatever they want, against my will. I would constantly be angry at invisible people who are far away and unreachable, and even if I could see them or meet them, I still couldn’t stop them from doing what they do. So my way of dealing with this is to suppress the anger. Plus, I used to get angry a lot more when I was using drugs and withdrawing from drugs – they intensify all feelings and emotions, and murderous rage, and everything else that I used to do whenever I was talking to the hackers on the keylogger at work. I’m not using drugs anymore except when I have transdermal residue accidents. I also think the old metal dental filling made me sick and angry more than I am nowadays.

(I think metal earrings and piercings cause metal poisoning, and affect emotions and behavior and health. This includes metal watchbands that touch the skin, and metal eyeglass rims. I am wondering what nonmetallic materials can be used for eyeglasses. Contact lenses are bad in some ways, but eyeglasses might be bad in other ways. However, these are things that a person might do their own tests and observe their own symptoms. Usually if something is severe, you can notice effects very quickly. I noticed it right away whenever I put copper hairpins into my wet hair, and had a tingling sensation on the skin immediately, and then other symptoms after that.)

So I protect myself against anger, because I would be helplessly angry all the time, and not be able to do anything about it. That’s why I keep on saying, Martin can’t help it, he’s not receiving my emails.

(It was ‘they’ who pointed out that I should make fun of how he spells ‘confortable.’ However, I myself don’t mind it that much. In some regions, people pronounce it that way, and it would be an accurate spelling for how it really sounds. I think he is being deliberately rebellious by continuing to spell it that way, or not ‘rebellious,’ but rather, doing it the way that he thinks it should be. I can’t say the word ‘February’ the way it’s spelled. It sounds something more like ‘Febwary’ or ‘Febriary’ or ‘Febuary.’ I had to clarify this, because he had some person commenting on his blog, who made fun of his writing style or something – I didn’t save the comments anywhere, and I don’t remember what was said; he said that he could write a formal essay style if he wanted to, but why do that, since this was just a personal blog? I agree with that; and no, I’m not the person who was making that comment or harassing him about his informal writing style.)

(My other feeling about that is, I was *GRATEFUL* to get a reply from him, ANYTHING AT ALL. He could misspell every single word, deliberately or accidentally, so that I could barely understand a thing he said, but I would be grateful merely to get a response at all. And I wouldn’t be picking on him for how he spelled something. I don’t want to discourage him from writing to me because he thinks I’m going to complain about imperfect punctuation or spelling or grammar, when my own grammar isn’t perfect a lot of the time.)

Well…. so, this morning… ambulance. I drove off in my car for maybe twenty minutes or so, went someplace random, came back, and the ambulance was gone. They had been with another car, and they were all getting out and talking to each other. So something was going on. Like I said, on the one hand, I could tell it had nothing to do with me, but on the other hand, I had a panic attack, and I didn’t know what to expect, because I myself, and Martin, and the attackers, and everybody, is unpredictable.

this morning

July 19, 2009

i am having a bad morning, and also a good morning. it’s good because i got the apartment in bellefonte that i wanted. i wasn’t ready to live in my car. several areas in the car are contaminated, and so it would be hard to sleep there; and also, i didn’t know yet where i would be able to take a real shower, which again, is very important when you are touching and being contaminated with chemicals and residues. it wouldn’t be so important if it weren’t for that.

i’ve been getting death threats all week, and also voices that are crying and acting upset, because i am moving to bellefonte. i have an angry reaction to this: gee, you make it sound like you won’t be able to follow me there! following me to bellefonte is a mere inconvenience for them, but they are acting like they will never see me again. i already know that they will attack me in bellefonte; it will just be different in how it’s done, and maybe the particular people ‘pushing the buttons’ on the computers and the equipment will be different people, but it will happen. i already know that.

there’s only one group of people who are physically not able to follow me everywhere, and that is the people who are in jail. ‘voices of prisoners’ is a theme that has recurred many times throughout my attacks over the years. they sometimes try to convince me that all the voices i’m talking to are actually men in prison, literally in prison (not metaphorically).

i have compassion for the people in prison and i am aware of prison-related issues. it is something that is on my list of social problems that i want to ‘fix’ but don’t have the resources yet. it is on my list of things that a religion needs to take some responsibility for, among all the other charities.

there is a small minority of people who are severely messed up – the sadistic serial killers and people like that – while the majority of prisoners are only slightly violent, or violent in particular situations, or violent temporarily because they were on drugs, or people who weren’t ever violent and are in jail for petty reasons. occasionally people have physical diseases that cause violent behavior, like the adrenal gland tumors that affected the hatfield-mccoy feud.

i have never tried to work with prisoners, or criminals, or people who were violent, in real life. however, i know about ADHD and the feingold diet, which is very important to know about. some people are constantly restless and uncomfortable because they are reacting to foods and chemicals (i was on the feingold diet myself, and i still use a very informal version of it).

lately i have even been thinking about contact lens solution, and how it might contain thimerosal (mercury), which would affect someone’s mood constantly. i think it could cause constant, neverending, unavoidable anxiety and an insecurity feeling. i wanted to look up how to make your own nontoxic contact lens solution. i’m sure it can be done. i would avoid borax – i recall seeing somewhere that borax could be used as eye wash, or something, something having to do with the chemical boron – it might not be borax, it might be some other form of boron – and i am opposed to that – i want nothing more to do with boron or borax, ever, after i had experiences with it while trying to clean my laundry. borax is toxic. so if there’s anything saying you should use borax or something boron-related for eye wash or contact lenses, don’t do that. i would use something totally harmless, maybe vinegar or something – again, i have to research it.

if you constantly have a mood or feeling that won’t go away, and it’s uncomfortable, chances are you are having a problem with some kind of chemical. a lot of people think that their bad mood or bad feeling is ‘who they are,’ when in fact, it’s a physical illness or response to a chemical. i need to know more about things like illnesses caused by viruses, because some of the studies about autism and ADHD have noticed a connection between vaccine viruses, and problems in the intestines, and the body and immune system overall, so viruses can also affect you constantly and make you sick and in a bad mood.

i really do feel different with my one metallic dental filling removed. granted, i now have problems resulting from the plastic fillings (sore breasts, and i am afraid also that it will affect my pancreas – i am going to remove my fillings soon). but things have changed since i removed the metal one. it’s not just mercury, it’s also copper and the other metals that are bad for you, and they are in the dental fillings.

well, what else…?

death threats, people making a big fuss because i’m moving, voices teling me not to leave, voices telling me to stay here. i’m not even going very far, just a little way down the road to the next town. it’s inconvenient, i agree. but it’s not far. yet i have been getting voices bothering me about it all week. i wouldn’t have wanted to move out of town, but it’s important for me to help with peter much more.

i’ve been annoyed because, once again, about the stupidity and the unnaturalness of many of the things that ‘they’ have been trying to force me to do. i’ve been interested in starting an intentional community for many years now. but in the past year or so, some new people got involved, and they wanted to make it into this big thing which is very different from what i originally intended. ‘they’ had this fantasy that i was going to be made into some big, famous, popular, wealthy prostitute, making millions of dollars and starting my community by ‘rewarding’ community members with sex, and that kind of thing.

also, once they found out how much i value long hair and natural grooming – no makeup, no eyebrow plucking, etc – on both men and women, they decided that i was supposed to start my community by asking lots of people to do that, in exchange for sex. i have argued, over and over and over again, that it is not intended to be blatantly sexual. it is a type of beauty that i want to see, in a social, communal way, on everybody, but it isn’t something that instantly causes sexual arousal or anything like that – it isn’t necessarily connected with sex or sexiness. i agree with someone that i glanced at, on wikipedia, the other day, which said that there is a distinction between physical attractiveness and sexual attractiveness. a person can be physically attractive, without necessarily being sexual. requiring all of the ‘core’ community members (there are different degrees of community membership – people begin as just guests, or temporaries, or newbies, and aren’t required to do as much) to follow a rule for their physical appearance serves a purpose – it makes me more able to enjoy looking at all of the people around me, without constantly being bored or disgusted or frustrated by the way they look.

the amish, and other religions, do this. my rules are slightly different from theirs, because they make strong distinctions between men and women, while i require both the men and the women to do the same thing with their hair, although they might style it differently, i don’t know.

and i don’t have a plan for the clothing yet. for the clothing, some of the rationale is that it prevents people from competing against each other to get the most expensive, popular clothes and make themselves look better than the other people, while wasting lots of money on clothes and jewelry, something that isn’t really good for you. the other thing it prevents is sloppy or gaudy clothing, clothes that are so bad you’d be better off without them, except that the law requires you to cover certain parts of your body in public.

what else….?

i was continuing to express anger at them for expecting me to do unnatural things. large amounts of shallow social interactions are not my style. they tried to force me to become more sociable, and start networking with people. but if i spend all my time chatting and talking in a shallow way, without purpose, without an overall goal, it just wastes time, and i should be DOING something useful. i have things that i want to get done which require somebody actually working on some kind of a project. for instance, if i am cooperating with others on a project, i would want to do projects to try to design and build a shield that will block out mind control and electronic harassment, so that i (and anybody) can temporarily go into a private place for solitude, to rest and to think. you can’t carry a shield with you all day long as you walk out in public, but it makes you feel better to know that the shielded place exists and that when you go home, you can return to that. it means you can rest, for the first time in years.

and they’re all smug about this, because they think ‘we’ve discovered what her instinctual stacking is, therefore we can now control her even better.’ yippee for you, you know that i’m definitely not a ‘sexual/social’ stacking. they wanted me to behave like an sx/so instinctual stacking, making lots of friends and ’embodying a social movement’ and making me into some big, famous, rock star persona, when i am actually a much more private and withdrawn person, not so interested in being famous. i don’t want to be ‘famous,’ per se, but i do want to be accessible if fellow sufferers are searching for help. they think that i am an sx/sp (sexual/self-pres), but they’re still arguing about it, and on some days, they think i’m an sp/so, or an sp/sx, and the argument hasn’t resolved yet. meanwhile, i am just interested in trying to understand *what* the instincts *are* and how they manifest at any given time. which instinct are you using at some particular moment. i am now fascinated with instincts in humans, and the concept of instincts, and what exactly *is* an instinct.

people believed that animals were born knowing how to do everything. but that’s not true, because if you raise them in captivity, they are very weak and much more helpless and less successful than the other animals, if you release them into the wild. they didn’t grow up automatically, innately knowing everything and being able to do everything they need, if you raise them in a zoo, and then open the door and let them run out into the woods. (but if that were literal, a real zoo animal, it would probably be one of the large cats that had its claws removed, or some other physical handicap, so it wouldn’t be the same as if it were wild.)

‘instincts’ are skills that you can learn to use. they are not necessarily pre-programmed into your brain. you can improve, or weaken, an instinctual skill. an instinct might more vaguely be described as a feeling or desire, or the awareness of some kind of need.

i am also thinking about how there are more than just the three general instincts that ichazo and the enneagram people focus on (social, sexual, self-preservation). for instance, the ‘nurturing’ or ‘maternal’ instinct, and the protective instincts – those are directed outward towards others, so it’s not really accurate to call it ‘self-preservation.’ they categorized all of that in ‘self-preservation,’ i think, and said that it includes everything family-oriented. sometimes, an animal must choose between self-preservation, versus protecting its children. sometimes animals abandon their children in an emergency, choosing self-preservation and letting the children die. and i am not judging that, i just mean that there are situations where that is the appropriate choice to make. other times, animals choose to nurture and protect the children, even though it puts a great burden on themselves, or endangers themselves.

anyway, that was just questioning whether maybe the parental (nurturing, protective) instincts might be separate from the other three. and nurturing/protective figures are important in the enneagram – all of the enneagram types are described by their relationships to the nurturing and protective figures.

therefore, i wondered if maybe *other* instincts might have been overlooked or forgotten by the enneagram, since i’ve been reading it so much, i have a tendency to remember, and to easily think of, all of the instincts that they’ve already been mentioning all this time. it was easy to recall and think of ‘the nurturing instinct’ and ‘the protective instinct’ because it fits into the existing paradigm already. so i was interested in reading some other author who writes merely about instincts, and nothing but instincts, outside of the enneagram paradigm, so that i would get a more detailed list of all the instincts we know of, and could get a more general focus, instincts in general, and get a definition of what instincts *are* in all animals and humans. humans are no different – they are a special, amazing, complex, wonderful animal, who can do some things that other animals cannot do, but we are still merely an animal.

how general must an instinct be to be significant or important enough to focus on? some instincts might be things that only have a temporary use, but don’t matter much in our daily lives. other instincts are being used and triggered constantly, every day of our lives, and they are very important in our personalities and behavior.

and again, they are *not* entirely preprogrammed from birth. some of it is learned behavior.

anyway… the instincts have been the focus lately, because of the types of things ‘they’ want to force me to do, and how i complain that those things are unnatural for me and that i cannot do those things, and don’t want to – in fact, i think it would be counterproductive to the goals i want to accomplish. they want me to do huge, extreme things, to be big and famous and rich, to be a prostitute, to entertain everybody by talking about sex, writing about sex, and actually having sex with lots of people, and getting paid to do it – that was the ‘big plan’ they had for me over most of the past year.

‘force doesn’t work.’ harry browne and the other libertarians said it again and again. you try to force people to do things, and all you do is waste their energy on unnatural, unsustainable activities when they could be doing other things more efficiently if they could just be who they are. force makes people inefficient. it causes a strain and a burden. it disturbs and disrupts their functioning.

if i gained anything, or learned anything, or tried something new, or changed my behavior, as a result of ‘them’ and the voices, it would have been possible to do that same thing through a face-to-face, real-world relationship, in an ordinary conversation, instead of by using technology to put voices in my head and hypnotize me. if i ever agree to anything, it means i could have been persuaded to try it through a real world relationship instead of technological force.

…what else?

the war with martin? i don’t have anything else to add about that. everything i’ve said in the past is still the same, still applicable. there are ‘people’ who are ‘associated’ with him somehow, ‘perps’ who are connected with him, which doesn’t necessarily mean that he *is* one or that he knows anything about them or is responsible for them in any way… in our one long phone conversation, he told me stories about his life, and he said that years ago, they had strange neighbors who lived near them, and there were these cars driving around the neighborhood, and the strange neighbors were stealing things from him, like his skateboard. in other words, i got the impression that he lived in an area that was being targetted or harassed. he also became interested in wesley willis, a musician who claimed he was being attacked with electronic weapons.

after i met martin, i experienced a major attack lasting for many weeks, and i ‘met’ a bunch of ‘new people’ who wanted me to do things. i do not know what is the relationship between martin and those people, for they could be attacking him just as they attack me, and i could view him as a fellow sufferer, not an attacker. i view everybody this way: we were born into an existing system that affects us all and controls us all; we are all puppets. i do not know how to place blame or responsibility for anything on any particular person, because i don’t think people are entirely responsible for their own actions or choices anymore.

so when i get voices fighting over the question ‘is martin a “perp”?’ i really don’t know how to answer that, and i don’t even understand what the question is asking. is he responsible for his own actions and choices? not entirely – we are all puppets. do i see him walking around inside a shielded uniform? no, therefore he is constantly vulnerable to external controls, like everyone else. did he invent, and build, the systems and technologies that exist now? no – he’s only, what, 22 years old, going on 23. the weapons and systems existed long before he was born.

i usually view martin as a fellow sufferer, a slave being bought and sold, like i am.

i don’t know how to say who is responsible for what, and what needs to be done about it, in order to solve problems in society, and stop the crimes, and the torture, and the suffering, and the wasting of human life, and the disruption and destruction of the self, and the mind, and the soul, and the ability to focus on a thought or feeling without being interruptd. somebody needs to be stopped – somebody is attacking people, and something needs to be done about it. but it isn’t all that useful to just blame the lowest-level ‘perps’ who aren’t responsible for the whole system and all the money behind it, and all of its culture, and all of its belief system – the belief that it’s good, and necessary, and okay, to treat people like this, to enslave everyone and to fear everybody as potential ‘terrorists.’

the problem is a large culture, a large community of people who are all supporting each other and encouraging each other, and teaching a belief system. how do you fix that? i don’t know. make a counterculture? that’s all i know how to do. build the culture the way i believe it ought to be.

forgot

July 15, 2009

i forgot to mention there were a lot of different reasons why he would have suddenly started distrusting me, long ago.  i only mentioned the one particular reason that i had been thinking at the time.  there was also the ‘i’m a puppet’ reason, which is that i started saying things that made it seem like i knew more about him than i actually knew.

Rules seem artificial at first, but then you get used to them

July 15, 2009

About consciously choosing some of my ‘rules’ based on a belief or value, then over time agreeing with them:

i am trying to articulate what this idea was. and i probably shouldn’t even talk about this subject, because i think it makes everyone think that i am extremely judgmental or rejecting or something like that. also, another reason why i probably shouldn’t write about this is because it’s what the voices were talking to me about when i woke up, which is usually a sign that they’re finding a way to insult somebody. this is a hair-related subject. and based on past experience, i know that whenever i talk about anything having to do with hair and hairstyles, somebody either gets their feelings hurt, or somebody starts making fun of something.

i can give two types of examples; in one example, i had an ‘innate’ or ‘automatic’ or ‘spontaneous’ response of liking something, without being able to explain why. in another example, i initially disliked something – maybe because i was taught to dislike it, i don’t know – and then i eventually changed my own mind, on purpose, because of a belief or value.

first, when i was very young, all the way in kindergarten, i liked boys who had long hair. through elementary school, and adolescence, and all of my life, i have been attracted to guys with long hair. it started at such a young age, i can’t explain it. my father and brother had short hair, so it’s not like i was surrounded by long-haired men that i was looking at and getting used to. so, that was a spontaneous response of liking something without being able to explain why.

but my best friend and i asked questions, in our late teens, just before college. we asked why women shave, couldn’t find a logical reason, and so we began the experiment of quitting shaving.

in the idea of fairness, i also asked myself why i should dislike baldness and why i disliked beards. somehow, i liked long hair on men, but i was somewhat mainstream in agreeing with the image of all the men i saw on TV and in mainstream society. they all had shaved faces, and baldness was seen as undesirable. originally, i agreed with that.

but i made a rule, consciously and deliberately, for the sake of fairness, that if i advocated not shaving, then i should also teach myself to get used to baldness and beards on men. so originally, i disliked them, just like the rest of mainstream society, but i made a rule out of fairness.

now i think that baldness and beards are something that you get used to if you see them everywhere. there is evidence for this, because in many other cultures, men have beards of various lengths (although they are usually trimmed and shaped a certain way), and yet they are still attractive in those cultures. it’s just unfamiliar in the usa.

about baldness, i have two beliefs: one is that we might have more baldness than usual in modern society, and it might be caused by hormones and drugs, like obesity – anything in the modern life that affects the hormones and the body in general. so baldness might not be as common or as inevitable as it seems.

second, i really have noticed, after paying attention, that i like bald men who grow long the remainder of their hair. i haven’t seen many men doing this, but when i see it, i think it’s better than shaving it all off. this is because i like long hair innately, and always have. i still respond positively to whatever hair they are able to grow even if most of their head is bald. and i can’t explain why i like long hair, except that i always have.

so, again, i said i was talking about this because ‘they’ were asking me about it when i woke up. i consciously required myself to accept baldness and beards out of fairness, and then, later on, found out that i did get used to them and learn to like them. there are things you can teach yourself to like if they are based on a rule, a value, fairness, or something like that. but originally, i just agreed with mainstream society that beards were ugly and that if you were bald, it was just hopeless and there was nothing you could do about it. i changed my mind deliberately. so, to some extent, people are able to choose, or change, what they think is attractive, and then get used to the change, and eventually like it.

***

i think they chose this topic because i mentioned androgyny yesterday. i assume that’s what this is all about. i haven’t talked about the conflicting theories on the ‘andrea jenny’ thing. i don’t know if i should even bother to give my interpretations of that. it doesn’t even matter, he’s still not answering or returning my calls and emails.

according to the ‘he is being harassed’ theory, he could be receiving text messages (or something) from a person calling themselves andrea jenny, and he knows that the name is a joke, and it’s supposed to be making fun of him with regard to me. it’s insulting to both of us. it’s making fun of him, because originally, in the beginning, he liked me, and i used the word ‘flirted’ with me, to describe what happened, but that was to avoid using the word ‘seduced.’ however, he was secretive about it, and also, back then, i was blogging differently, not talking openly about mind control or sexual topics or hairstyles or anything like that. so i was also being more secretive back then. and i was bleaching my whiskers during that time period, although i have gone through other phases of years when i didn’t, and my whiskers were brown. if you have bad eyesight, it’s possible to not be able to see the bleached whiskers, although actually they were still very visible. so according to that theory he didn’t know what he was doing at the time. and he didn’t know that ‘they’ would start attacking severely and changing my behavior immediately after he started ‘flirting with’ or ‘seducing’ me.

so, immediately after he began… ‘interacting with’ me, i was attacked very severely and they convinced me to do some things. and i cannot trace back in my history to argue what all of my life path would have been without them, to say whether or not i would have been bleaching my whiskers, or blogging about mind control, or whatever. (i always say that if i ever gained anything good from the voices in my head, then it should have been, and could have been, given to me in a real-world, face-to-face relationship instead of by putting voices in someone’s head. all of the ideas that i ended up agreeing with, i could have been *persuaded* to do in a conversation or friendship, instead of being forced and hypnotized and made to hear voices.)

as i said, in the beginning, he liked me, or was being very nice to me. then one day i saw him looking at me with extreme distrust and fear. that day i had written a blog which was a poem and it implied ‘having children.’ so i can understand that he might have been afraid i was going to try to have children without his consent, and no, this is not a joke, people really do that. i have read warren farrell’s books. warren farrell is a ‘masculist’ or ‘masculinist’ or just a ‘men’s rights advocate’ if you want to call it that. something that balances the feminists.

anyway he, and other people, have written about untrustworthy women who lie to you, get pregnant, aren’t really using birth control, and that kind of thing, and then they make you a child support slave for the next couple decades. and child support is… i can only call it theft. it is a lie, a fraud, one of the worst things you can do to a person, to steal that person’s money for a very long time, and say that it’s ‘for the good of the children,’ while you take the money and spend it on fun things for yourself. you only need a tiny bit of the money for the kids and to pay your bills, and the rest of the ‘child support’ money will go for buying expensive new dresses for yourself, or shopping for more junk and knickknacks at yard sales, and things like that. this is a common phenomenon that happens, it’s real.

(yes, i believe that men need to help be responsible for their children. but whatever arrangement i would want to make, it would *not* be like the existing child support laws.)

so at that time, i had the theory that he was distrusting me because he thought i was going to try to get pregnant without his consent. i was trying to understand why he started looking at me in a distrusting way, and why he very quickly stopped talking to me.

but i was also being attacked and forced to do things and change my appearance and do more ‘grooming experiments’ since they saw that i was already interested in countercultural, non-mainstream hair and grooming rules. and i was also being attacked and forced to say various things to him in email, and getting ‘suggestions’ for what to write about in my blogs.

so for all i know, since i am being attacked and harassed, there could be someone who is harassing him at the same time, and he doesn’t know who it is. in this theory, he could be getting text messages from someone calling themselves ‘andrea jenny,’ and it’s supposed to be making fun of me, and making fun of him for the fact that he ever was attracted to me at all, before the severe problems began happening. and i have had fake spammers and other types of harassment like that, for many years, so i know that this is exactly the kind of ‘joke’ that they might do. that is why this interpretation is plausible at all to me, because i have actually experienced that type of thing.

and when he would get that type of text message or whatever, ‘they’ would force him to be reminded of me, to think about me, to feel as though i’m the one who’s doing it, to feel as though i’m ‘the hacker’ who’s harassing him (and it won’t matter how many times i explain that yes, i’m intelligent and competent with computers, yes, i tried learning a very small amount of programming several times, but no, i do not do anything to spy on other people’s computers or emails or whatever, or manipulate those computers, or mess them up, or make them do things, etc, etc). and i know from experience, that when they are harassing you over the computer, they attack your mind at the same time, forcing you to interpret it a certain way, forcing you to feel particular emotions, because that is what they did to me for years and years back when i was working at jobs where i sat in front of a computer typing all day long, and watching my computer and all the other office computers get hacked and malfunction in ‘meaningful ways’ that were relevant to things i had been doing or saying.

well, that was the ‘giving him the benefit of the doubt’ theory. i should also add that i have seen him zone out or blank out, not answering when people talk to him, and it looked as though he was doing subvocal speech, whispering without actually moving the mouth. this was only one incident that i saw, but i noticed it. he would have been blanked out while being attacked and forced to hear, and talk back to, a whispering voice, and it was when i and someone else were both standing right next to him. someone was trying to tell him to move out of the way, and he just stood there not answering. i have seen him do, and say, a couple of other things that seemed out of context and odd.

so i am interpreting him as someone experiencing ‘dissociative identity disorder,’ which is fake – it’s caused by external attacks – it’s not a ‘naturally occurring mental illness’ of any kind, it’s totally fake (fake, as in, it’s caused by criminals, attackers, external people, instead of something within your own mind). also, someone told me about him, and she said that he seemed to be a different person in different circumstances, in a way that made her feel like she wasn’t sure what his real personality was, what he really believed or felt, whether he was trustworthy. so i add that comment to my overall interpretation of him. and i don’t mean that he experiences DID in a blatant, severe, obvious way like some people do. some people can openly tell you that they are in another persona and what that persona’s name is, and all that. i don’t see him doing anything that severe. i just mean that maybe, he blanks out for a few seconds and doesn’t notice what’s going on around him, and gets suggestions to say unexpected things. i myself have also been made to say strange or unexpected things out of context, which is why i talk about people being ‘puppets’ instead of consciously understanding what they’re saying.

well, i had to get that out of the way.

now there is the ‘NOT giving him the benefit of the doubt’ theory. according to this interpretation, he himself is making fun of me, and his friends are also doing it, and they all know who ‘andrea jenny’ is referring to.

this is where i have a conflict with the voices in my head. i want to separate my own personality, my own emotional responses, from the fake responses that ‘they’ are giving me. ‘they’ are all freaked out about it – ‘OH MY GOD! HE’S MAKING FUN OF HER! THEY’RE ALL MAKING FUN OF HER CONSTANTLY! YOU CAN’T LET HIM GET AWAY WITH THAT!’ blah, blah, blah.

i am much more mellow about it myself. first off, i would have disconnected from him long ago and stopped trying to contact him… except i really am being forced, again and again, to be reminded of him, to remember that he exists. in the ‘real world,’ i would have been capable of just pushing him out of my mind long ago. i would have been able to just forget, very quickly, and move on.

however, many times a day, ‘they’ force me to think thoughts about him, to remember that he exists, to be reminded of my feelings, to be reminded that i thought he was attractive and i enjoyed being close to him and i enjoyed our very few, brief conversations that we had, and i enjoyed the couple of emails that he wrote to me before we became unable to communicate. in the real world, i would have blanked all of that out whenever he stopped communicating. i would have accepted it, i would have understood that he was rejecting me for some reason, that maybe i couldn’t understand it. i would just forget. that is how people cope with such things in the real world. in the real world, people are able to forget.

however, in the artificial mind-control system, somebody out there has something to gain by keeping me connected with him. i don’t know if they’ve bet money on us, or something – i get the impression that they literally buy and sell people and speculate on their value. this is one of my theories for what the mind control system is doing. for whatever reason, they want me to stay connected with him, and not forget. so they mention him to me several times a day.

since i am being FORCED to remember him, then that makes it even stupider for me to *FREAK OUT, OH MY GOD, HE’S MAKING FUN OF ME* and react that way. i’m being forced to do something, and maybe he’s being forced to do things too, and he has to protect himself, and he has to defend himself by doing whatever he thinks is necessary. why should i freak out about something that i have no control over? normally, i would have just mostly forgotten about him by now, and would be thinking about something, or someone else, because he stopped answering letters and phone calls.

whenever you force people to do things, their behavior becomes distorted and unnatural, and it is not a good thing. *of course* people are not going to be at their best. people being forced to go against their nature and against what they really want to do are always going to be anxious, angry, stressed, with an unwanted burden or duty or pressure of some kind, and they are going to find some way to defend themselves or cope with the stress. this is an unnatural, artificial situation between me and him. it is not how we would have behaved if we were both free.

here is another impression i have. it’s possible to be friends with somebody who makes fun of you with all their other friends, and then still remains friends with you. i am not saying this is good or desirable, i am just saying it is possible. it happens sometimes. hopefully, over time, something can happen that resolves it, so that the person is consistent and honest in both situations. you would want that person to be honest to their other friends about how he really feels about you, and what is really happening.

however, again, in today’s world, in the mind control world, i can’t know how much of his behavior he really has control over. i learned, i taught myself, not to blame the puppets for what they do, because i was also a puppet and i know how it is to be forced to think, believe, feel, and do things. we were born into this system. mind control weapons were invented long before we were born, and people were already using them when we were born. he and i both were born, not knowing this system and weapons existed. we were both born innocent. how can i know what he’s being forced to do, versus what he would have done freely in the ‘real world?’ how could i tell just by looking at him? you can force a person to do lots of things – maybe not ‘anything,’ but lots of things, especially if they’re on drugs. how can i straighten it all out? it’s probably complicated, and i’m sure there’s a long story behind it, and it’s hard to talk about.

so… i quietly accept whatever he is doing, and i don’t understand it. but i am not rejecting him, i am not judging him for it, because i don’t understand it. i am a slave, and he is a slave, and we were both born that way, and i don’t know what we would have been like in a free world where we could be ourselves and be who we are. so whatever is happening, it is more complicated than it looks on the surface, and that is how i interpret this.

it *does* hurt me that i can’t speak to him or be with him, yet i keep getting reminded about him, every day, even though i would have wanted to just forget and move on and not think about him anymore after he stopped answering. i can’t stop the voices from making me think about him. that’s why i’m worried, because i expect that something else will happen, next time i get hit with drugs, or if i’m in a strange mood, or my hormones are acting up, or who knows what, and i get the idea or the suggestion to go try talking to him again or writing more letters or calling him.

andrea

July 14, 2009

well, i am pausing in between moving batches of stuff out. i am following a rule today: whatever i move out, it has to be ‘something substantial.’ i cannot just move a couple cardboard boxes with small stuff in them. it has to be things like big, awkward pieces of furniture.

i don’t have a lot of big pieces of furniture. i have been anti-furniture for many years. if it’s big, heavy, made of wood, antique, expensive, cannot be disassembled quickly and easily, and i need somebody else to help me lift it and carry it up and down the steps, then i won’t have it in my house. i like: folding card tables and chairs, and plastic shelves that can be assembled and disassembled without any screws or tools, for instance. i have had a ‘nomadic’ theme to my furniture.

one exception: my dishwasher. i had to move this a few years ago, and i could not figure out any way to do it alone. i tried to buy a dolly, but they didn’t have any with very large, thick wheels that could go down my steps. the wheels have to be far up off the ground so that it won’t scrape all the steps. i ended up just getting someone to help me. that was eric – that was when i was evicted, and i moved in with him.

this is a good day to move. it’s sunny and no sign of rain. past experiences: usually it pours buckets of rain on the day when i move. i remember going back and forth to shepherd college every year, with my pickup truck and a tarp over the back, and pouring rain, and an eight hour drive (or maybe six or seven hours, i forget now, i haven’t driven that road in years).

today i moved my bookshelf. it is a cheap bookshelf from wal-mart. it’s made of wood, but it’s lightweight, and it can be partially dismantled without tools. i stuck it in the back of my trunk, with the trunk open, and most of the bookshelf hanging out, and drove very slowly.

i wanted to buy a car with a hatchback, but couldn’t find one. i compromised and bought a sedan, with some hesitation. with a sedan trunk i can’t fit things in the back the way i would like to, which makes it impossible to carry some of the things like the dishwasher. eric and i put that in his car, which did have a hatchback at the time. it was a ford aspire, if i recall.

i am not being very efficient, but it’s getting done. i am making small trips. my storage place is pretty close by. i take breaks in between and i’m not stressing out too much.

i don’t like asking for help. i was asking myself why (or ‘they’ were asking me, or ‘we’ were having a discussion – technically, i’m never alone anymore during my mental conversations) i don’t want to ask people for help. i was using the three instincts as a focus for how to frame my answers. i asked questions having to do with self-preservation, sexual, and social instincts as described on the web pages i’ve been reading. i don’t really feel like writing it all down right now though.

***

as usual, i didn’t get the joke, and ‘somebody’ had to explain it to me. andrea jenny = androgyny. i’m guessing that this is a joke and not a real person. however, they also were believing that the guy i’m seeing, peter, isn’t a real person, but he is. he does have an unfortunate last name, and yes, it does sound like a joke having to do with penises, but he is actually a real person. supposedly, it’s emery who doesn’t know for sure whether everything i’m saying is ‘real or fiction.’ it is all real, although some of it is theoretical, when i don’t understand something and have to make up my own explanations.

they are also saying that martin doesn’t know what retmeishka is, even though i emailed him. actually, i don’t know what retmeishka is either. it’s glossolalia, and it doesn’t have a specific meaning yet. glossolalia is protolanguage, baby talk, musical language, something that enables you to practice the sounds of a language before knowing any words. it helps people to learn. ‘it has a purpose’ (the voices are always saying ‘such and such has a purpose’), and it isn’t mystical or divine or anything special, the way some religions are portraying it. it is just a natural thing that the brain can do, nothing more miraculous than baby talk. baby talk is ‘miraculous,’ but not in a supernatural way.

***

harry potter midnight show is sold out. i’ll go tomorrow then, or whenever i can. i wasn’t going to buy midnight tickets several days in advance.

***

maybe soon i’ll start checking my typographical errors again. i’ve been leaving them in for several days now. there’s an unclosed quote somewhere way back that’s keeping all my blog posts from compiling. 🙂

churches, music, mind control, moving out, chemicals, love, memories

July 13, 2009

why don’t more people join churches?

not everybody is an atheist or a secular humanist or whatever i would be called. a lot of people are agnostics. they don’t strongly believe, and they don’t strongly disbelieve either.

i’m worried about this because there are some people who i said i would help, but i don’t have the physical or mental energy to help anyone right now. i’m trying to just barely get by, continuing to go to work (without asking for more days off), and not have more chemical-sensitivity reactions to things that i’m touching around the apartment. i’ve become more unreliable, not returning phone calls, and avoiding people, because it’s difficult to say no to them.

so i was thinking, if people need help, they should go join churches and other groups, and why don’t more people do this more often? that way, i would feel as though these people had some kind of social support, and i wouldn’t feel so guilty whenever i am trying to defend myself against all of their requests for help. it seems like it wouldn’t matter to them, because they’re agnostics who don’t really care one way or the other. they aren’t ‘strongly opposed’ to the beliefs they teach in churches. (i’m not ‘strongly opposed’ to a lot of church teachings either – i agree with some of them in a way. i have some more complicated reasons why i haven’t ever joined a church.)

this is one of those times where i feel like *my* situation and *my* reasons are different from everybody else’s, and my situation is worse or more extreme or unique than everybody else’s. i can explain why i don’t just join a church, but when i look at all these other people, their reasons seem silly or not legitimate, and i don’t believe that they really care one way or the other.

maybe it’s because you never really know how badly you need help until an emergency happens. you always think you can just go along taking care of yourself or using whatever means you are using. with me, i have had recurring, chronic, unexplained illnesses for many years now, making it so i can barely do anything except get out of bed and go to work. my parents have helped me pay my bills. there is a conflict between being grateful for their help, versus also wanting to become independent and self-reliant and not need their help, although i may get help from other people besides my parents. so anyway, i get into an emergency like this one, moving out of my apartment, having a hard time finding a new one, and having to do strange, unexplainable things to avoid contaminating more of my belongings – so i can’t just ask people to come in here and help me move things, because they will contaminate things worse than they already are.

there’s going to be a lot of activity right at the last minute, a lot of urgently moving stuff out and piling it randomly into the storage unit, even if it contaminates things, even if it doesn’t fit in there. i rented a rather small place, and i can’t compact or compress my belongings as much as i would like to, because of the contamination.

i also am tempted to try living in my car, at least briefly. i’m sure i can find a roommate eventually, because i’ve looked on craigslist, and lots of people are looking for roommates. but i like the idea of not paying any bills, although i will be buying even more fast food, since i won’t have a way to cook it or store it, and i am sick of fast food, and i really want to improve my diet, because i have a lot of knowledge about nutrition and also about food sensitivities, and whenever my life is stable, i’m able to cook for myself and eat the way that i think i should eat, but whenever i am living the way i have been living for a while now, i have too many problems with cooking for myself. something always goes wrong, and a lot of it is because of the mold in the air in the kitchen – so i can barely function while trying to cook. the kitchen is one of the worst places.

i am sure i will get it moved out – i have already started. but it causes me a lot of physical pain, in my muscles and joints, and fatigue, and i really do keep getting hit with drugs, poisons, chemicals, and other unknown things, which also get stirred up into the air. i already had an outburst of writing letters to martin again, because of getting into weird moods from chemicals. so i am not moving anything or packaging anything on days when i have to go to work.

unfortunately, i have another conflict now: being glad to get some more hours at work, working in the chinese food sections, but also dreading it, because of the fossil fuel propane flames – i hope the hood fan helps enough – and dreading it because i was expecting to have only a few days a week, and lots of days to be moving and packing stuff up and getting it out of here.

i am thinking i might call peter and bring him over here. he wouldn’t be able to come over in the daytime. he would have to disappear during the nighttime. i don’t want him to pick things up or move things around. i just want him to ‘stand there and look pretty.’ he doesn’t have to do anything. i will be comforted by the presence of a loving person while i try to do the painful work of moving things.

loneliness is one reason why i can’t get much work done at home. i have no energy, no morale, no spirit, no motivation for doing work whenever it’s just lonely painful misery doing something difficult that i don’t like to do. (i’m lonely doing enjoyable things here, too, though. if i were doing something happy, then i’d want people to be with me then, too.)

in the beginning, when i met peter in… 2005? yeah, wow, that was a long time ago. i have utterly destroyed the past two years of my life with this herbal contamination – it’s like the past two years didn’t even exist. you can’t imagine the hell that i have lived in. there is so much that i cannot do, so many normal things, because of this. so many simple things.

in the beginning, peter used to sometimes come over here and visit me at night. he had a working car back then. he even came over sometimes in the daytime.

he doesn’t have a car right now, because… as he explains it, his wife didn’t get around to paying their insurance bill. and he isn’t able to pay it – he tried to, but his name isn’t on their records, because technically, he’s not allowed to drive anymore. he had a low blood sugar incident while driving, and the doctor took away his license, and refuses to give it back.

LOW sugar is one of the strange problems that diabetic people can have. i want to learn more about the reasons why he has low sugar incidents, and we have some theories (the drugs he’s on can cause low sugar) but it’s unpredictable and hard to control. in addition to that, i think he has some drug residues on some of his furniture and the counter, and possibly clothing, but he doesn’t really accept my ‘transdermally absorbed drug residue theory.’ i might be able to shampoo the couch for him with a rented rug doctor, or something.

so the license plate was removed from the car, and they still haven’t gotten it back. his wife has been taking a taxi to work, which means that all of their money is going to this taxi. it’s unimaginably expensive, which means that right now, they are spending money from unknown sources, and they aren’t paying their bills, and the money is coming from a mysterious place which i can’t explain. i believe that probably, they’re just not paying the rent on their apartment. they’ve had to do that before. and they have medical bills too. it’s really a medical bankruptcy situation. but he has tried to get government help, but they say he’s not eligible, because his wife makes enough money as a manager at mcdonald’s. so, he’s extremely screwed in just about every way possible.

… which is one reason why i’m trying to move to bellefonte. i can’t get too deeply involved in his life, i can’t be too much responsible for his money, or his medical needs, because he isn’t my husband, and i can barely support myself, and meanwhile, i am also going to be looking for someone who WILL become my husband and who will stay with me permanently so that my children will have a stable home. but even so, i am going to try to help, doing whatever i can, while also working on my own goals.

as i was saying, peter did used to come over here sometimes. but a couple things happened. he had kidney failure. i think that some of his health problems might have unknowingly been triggered by my herbal contamination, back when i didn’t know it was happening.

i was already handling and growing st. john’s wort in a pot, when peter and i met, or at least, i started doing it shortly after meeting him, in 2005. but i didn’t have anything more dangerous than that. i was aware that st. john’s wort went through the skin. when peter visited, my instructions were that he had to avoid touching any objects on the table where my little ‘processing area’ was. i had a mortar and pestle that i was using to grind up the leaves and mix them with oil. i was applying the drops of oil to my skin. i used gloves, and i was careful not to touch the leaves directly or i would have a strong reaction. i already knew about that back then.

i didn’t know that a lot of my fatigue was caused by mold in the air at this apartment. so i was using drugs to help with fatigue.

herbal pills, bought at the store, were inconsistent. sometimes they worked, sometimes they didn’t. the drug effects varied drastically. there are many different possible chemicals in st. john’s wort, and all herbal drugs – there are hundreds of different active compounds, in many different forms, and it varies with the individual plant, the way it was grown, the soil, the way you handle it and process it, and so on. so i decided to grow the plant myself, and have more control over the way it was handled. i would try to understand how to get the drug effects that i desired, and avoid the unwanted side effects.

so that’s what i was doing in 2005-2006.

sometime in early 2007, i started handling other seeds. i was going to try to plant some stimulant drugs. i was handling tobacco seeds, which i planted. they grew a little bit, then died. i didn’t realize, back then, that i was using soil which contained juglone, a chemical poison from the walnut trees outside my house. i had gone out in the backyard to get soil for my pots, and i had no idea that walnut trees make the soil infertile for many types of plants, so i didn’t understand why a lot of my herbs would sprout a little bit, then die. (i learned about walnuts and juglone in a conversation with a neighbor just down the street from me. he’s a gardener.)

well, i also handled ephedra seeds. i was thinking that i would be able to control my usage of ephedra. i wasn’t going to eat it or swallow it. i wasn’t going to use any large doses. i wouldn’t use it in combination with any other drugs. i was going to plant it, and use infinitesimally small amounts, on the skin.

if you haven’t experienced what i’ve experienced, you don’t know the meaning of the phrase ‘infinitesimally small amounts.’ i didn’t know, and neither did anyone else that i read, anyplace – maybe they know about this in china, but it’s all written in chinese, and it’s probably censored by the government, so if any chinese people are planting ephedra and getting contaminated, i can’t read about it very easily.

you don’t know what ‘infinitesimal’ means. it means that, maybe, three molecules or so, is enough to trigger symptoms. i might be exaggerating. i don’t know how mnay molecules. it is at the molecular level. it is not like you need a big dose. you respond to only a few molecules.

there are other chemicals that behave that way. pheromones, hormones, and other scents will trigger responses in the body, even at molecular quantities. when you inhale a scent into your nose, it only takes a couple of molecules to trigger the neurons that detect a smell. according to what i’ve read, they really do only need a couple of molecules. it works with animals and humans both. animals can detect a pheromone scent from miles away at molecular-level concentrations.

so if you get a *couple molecules* of ephedra on your skin, your sinuses will dry out, you will feel an uncomfortable and unpleasant sensation, you get insomnia *so badly* that *NOTHING* will put you to sleep, *NO MATTER WHAT*, no matter how hard you try, no matter how long you lie there. if you are using any other drugs at the same, such as coffee, or chocolate – chocolate can cause major interactions with ephedra. your heart will speed up, and if you have a really bad incident like i did, i went up to about 140 beats per minute (you’re supposed to range from around 60 to 100, normally around 80). your blood pressure can go up.

i think that peter visited my house during this time period, when i didn’t know that i had tobacco contamination and ephedra contamination in a couple of places. like i said, it only has to be a couple molecules.

if you have diabetes, if your kidneys are already functioning badly because of diabetes, if you already have a *tendency* towards high blood pressure… peter already had used blood pressure drugs in the past, but had quit using them cold turkey, and wasn’t on any blood pressure drugs at the time.

so around christmas of 2006, i think – it was sometime that winter – peter had a strange incident. his nose started bleeding, pouring blood, and it wouldn’t stop. he went to the doctor and they said it was high blood pressure. a nosebleed is your body’s way of trying to release the high blood pressure, as i interpret it. so he got back on drug again.

i think that my herbs might have triggered the incident. i’m not sure. it could have been the dry air of winter. his house is always very dry and he uses a humidifier in the winter. he already had previous blood pressure problems… so i don’t know whether to blame my herbs or not.

after that, his kidneys started failing badly. again, they were already somewhat damaged, but still working. as i was cleaning up my contamination, i tried using chemicals, like borax, on my laundry. borax causes kidney stones or kidney failure, i think – i would have to look it up again. ephedra also causes kidney failure.

so he started having some symptoms that made me suspect contamination. he had severe insomnia a few times… but that can also happen with kidney failure. all of his drugs were partly repsonsible, and his other health problems, and even the synthetic insulin itself – i think maybe synthetic insulin is dangerous, but you don’t have much of an alternative.

so i said he was no longer permitted to come over to my house. he did visit a few times since then, but i was very anxious about it. i would tell him not to touch certain things or not to walk or sit in a certain place; i had to give him a particular chair to sit on. it’s hard to follow the rules when you aren’t living with the contamination every day. no one else knows what i know about ‘touch this location, and you’ll get persistent insomnia and dry sinuses and high blood pressure that will last for weeks unless you wash it off.’

one accident followed another. i had no experience with contamination. i thought i had gotten rid of it and that it was all over, several times. several times i thought, ‘finally, i can get back to my normal life,’ only to have another outbreak of contamination.

eventually peter stopped coming over here. it was partly out of respect for my anxiety, but it was also because they were having car problems. it wasn’t just the insurance or the license or registration, they originally had two cars, and both of them were *AMERICAN* cars, need i say more? i am very prejudiced in favor of hondas and toyotas, which are reliable… but we could have a fight over this subject, and i don’t usually bother talking about it… i just don’t buy american cars. his cars kept breaking down for petty reasons. hondas and toyotas just don’t do that. you can buy an american car, brand new, and three months later, some trivial part will break down for no reason. …but again, there will be people who swear on their immortal souls that they bought a chevy or a ford and it lasted thirty years and never had a single breakdown (and they also had a best friend, or neighbor, who was constantly doing ‘special maintenance’ on the car for free, of course, finding spare parts and gadgets, and fixing things, as a hobby).

you can be a clueless, careless, not-at-all-knowledgeable person, who does no ‘special maintenance’ whatsoever, doesn’t even think about their car, knows nothing about it, ignores it for years, and a honda or toyota will just keep working. a badly maintained toyota or honda will still last forever. a *PERFECTLY* maintained, extra care and attention, constant work done on it by a car hobbyist, american car, will still keep having unexpected breakdowns from little things.

why am i talking about this? i’m not interested in fighting over vehicle brand names.

when i was little, we had a couple volkswagens. we had a… whatever those big family cars – station wagons, we had one of those with fake wood paneling on the side. a 1970s car. we also had a chiracco, if i’m spelling that right. i should google it… it would be weird to see the image of that car. it was tan-colored. that was dad’s car. he drove it to work. i don’t remember much about that car. but we gradually started buying toyotas.

as far as i know, consumer reports magazine is still reliable. i haven’t bought a car in a long time, but, like my dad, i got my advice from that magazine. they used to recommend hondas and toyotas as their most reliable cars, but that might have changed since then. some other type of car could have become the most reliable since then, i don’t know. reliability is all i really care about in a car.

sometimes people worry that i’m really, really judgmental about something, when i reality, i hardly care about it at all. i get ‘voices’ telling me that people are worried about wearing hats now, because i complain about how much i hate baseball caps. it’s true, i do hate them, but some are worse than others (don’t wear colored patterns or camouflage hats), and also, i will tolerate almost anything if i like the person. i’m the same way about cars. i utterly loathe american cars, but i have known many friends and boyfriends over the years who have had those kinds of cars, and i usually just ignore it. but i become irritated if they ever have a breakdown and they’re complaining about their car problems and i just want to advise them to get rid of the american car and never, ever buy one again (unless they change drastically) and buy something reliable instead.

(*i am starting to feel suspicious about this, because whenever i talk about an unusual subject, it might mean that the voices are telling me to talk about it, and now i am getting paranoid about car problems, either for myself or somebody else. and i haven’t been able to take car of my own car, either. i am worried about too many other emergencies right now.*)

well, this all got started because of peter and his american cars. that’s another reason why he wasn’t able to get over to my house very often, and also, i had expressed a lot of anxiety about the contamination, and told him i thought my drugs might have triggered some of his symptoms.

the kidney failure happened after he was given prednisone for his pneumonia. he also went blind – he developed cataracts – prednisone causes that to happen (and he also is using energy-saver light bulbs, which make *MY* eyes burn, and i supposedly have normal eyes with no problems at all. *DON’T USE ENERGY-SAVER BULBS! THEY ARE EVIL!* my eyesight is blurry for *HOURS* if i sit someplace that uses those bulbs. the fluorescent ones that have developed in the past couple years and are now *REQUIRED BY GOVERNMENT* in public places. i can’t sit in a restaurant, like dunkin donuts, and read a book, because the lights burn my eyes so badly. i can’t sit at barnes and noble either. i’ve tried. sometimes i feel sociable and lonely and want to sit in a public place reading a book, enjoying the company without actually talking to anyone… but i can’t, because those horrible lights are unbearable.).

since then, he’s had cataract surgery, and they replaced his lenses with fake lenses, which aren’t able to get cataracts again. so, his temporary blindness was another reason why he wasn’t driving a car during this time period.

the result of all this was that peter stopped coming over here to visit me. everything was against it. this was a painful loss. i liked having his company over here.

because of this contamination, i cannot invite ordinary people to my house, i can’t easily just make a new friend and invite them over to watch a movie with me, or do simple ordinary things like that.

just because people don’t *believe* me doesn’t mean that the contamination isn’t real. what i mean is, i could try to explain it to a new friend, and tell them that my carpet will put a chemical onto their shoes, which they will track into their car, and to their own house, and get insomnia and other problems. they won’t believe me, and it will sound strange to them. but it’s still true. they don’t believe it, but it’s still true. and if they ever mention ‘i can’t sleep, i have insomnia and it won’t go away,’ i immediately feel terrified and guilty and like it’s my fault because of my contamination. i know that’s what would happen. so i don’t let peter come over here, and also, i worried about dennis when he was over here once or twice a few months ago. i really haven’t had any other visitors. (*unless you count the suspected burglars who might possibly be using electronic methods to force me to fall asleep for a couple hours during the night, and then reawaken and not remember anything – and no, i am not joking, this is the literal truth, i suspect that somebody might be doing something to me while i sleep, and i don’t have the videocamera anymore.*)

‘we need to talk… about love. real love.’

not just ‘good friends with sex?’ friends with benefits?

i haven’t ‘loved’ anyone in all this time. i have loved in a particular way, the love of a ‘friend with benefits,’ a sexual love, which can last many years – i have a pattern of dating someone for quite a few years, not large numbers of people, and not for extremely long periods – it’s a medium number of years, less than a decade.

the longest and most serious relationship i had was with my (heterosexual) best friend rachael, in middle school and high school. growing up with a best friend influenced me very much. because of her, i know that all of my strange thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and fantasies are important – they matter to someone, they are taken seriously. we both used to get into our imaginary world, our stories, our dreams, and they were *important*. we trusted each other and could talk about anything. we were best friends for eleven years, until she met her husband, who i distrusted, and she separated from me and her family and everyone else, in order to be with a husband that several people disappoved of. she now refuses to communicate with me or her family. but she had a ‘lifelong impact’ on me. i still feel, even now as an adult, that my thoughts and fantasies and dreams, everything matters, everything is important, somebody out there still cares about it, and who i am is important.

so i have loved. it wasn’t a sexual love, it was a best friendship. rachael was ‘unusual’. she was a myers-briggs ENFP, i’m sure of it. a real one, not just one that mistakenly gets called an ‘N’ when they’re actually an ‘S’ because the test is flawed. i don’t recall if she ever took the test or not, but when i started studying the myers-briggs, i decided she was an ENFP.

so i know i am capable of love. i haven’t loved a man that way. i have loved men but not to quite the same level of closeness and trust, of being able to tell someone everything going on inside your head, everything you’re experiencing, and to know that they actually care to hear about it.

my plan for marriage might be: i might possibly marry someone for ‘practical’ reasons, economic reasons, to support me and have children with me, even though i have not yet fallen in love passionately. this is disappointing, but i’ve decided that i don’t have enough time left to wait for a real, passionate love. we just have to get along with each other well enough to be stable.

and i think i should marry someone who is somewhat different from myself, which is the reason why i fought and argued with ‘the voices’ whenever i was hearing voices telling me to marry martin. (meanwhile, martin stopped speaking to me. how can i even talk about marrying someone when they’re not even communicating with me?) i thought that he and i are too much alike. i wanted to somehow bond with him in a long lasting way, or stay connected and have a friendship, if he wouldn’t have a sexual relationship – and i also was forced to tell him some things, in an early email i wrote to him, when i was drugged while sleeping, and the voices forced me to speak like a puppet – i wrote him a lot of things – and i informed him that i’m pretty sure i have some kind of herpes, even though the doctor’s test said it was negative – the test was wrong. i have *something*. i get cold sores, and have also had something on my lower back. whatever it is, i’m assuming it’s contagious, and so i don’t go around having casual, careless, ‘free love’ relationships with whoever i want, because i don’t want to give them whatever virus i have. so i told him that, too.

(which is why i’ve been asking the question, ‘and what does that have to do with friendship?’ he can’t catch herpes from me on facebook. i still don’t understand why it’s a total avoidance thing. does he think that i’m malicious? that i’m going to go on facebook and try to deliberately destroy all of his friendships or something? that i’m going to write comments and insults and make fun of him in front of all his other friends? i tried asking him, ‘what don’t you want me to do?’ but he didn’t answer. i would try to accommodate him, i would try to cooperate, to negotiate, to work something out, if he would talk to me and tell me ‘do this, don’t do that.’ but since he won’t, or can’t, communicate with me, i have been trying to totally disconnect from him, except whenever i have these ‘outbursts’ or incidents whenever i get exposed to drugs or get sick or have other problems… i don’t know how long that will be happening. how many more years do i have to worry about these ‘outbursts?’ how much longer do i have to be afraid that i’m going to try contacting him, and do something he doesn’t want me to do, and he will call the police on me, because for some reason he has decided that he must absolutely not communicate with me, or hear me, or speak a word to me, or see me, at all? and if i try to meet other people, if i try to mentally disconnect and forget about him, the voices won’t let me. they keep calling my attention back to him and not letting me block him out. and every time they remind me about him, i feel connected to him all over again, because i *DID* really like him a lot and found him attractive.)

well… i had been talking about peter, about people not being able to visit my apartment, about having a best friend, about meeting martin during this time period when all this was going on…

and what is going to happen now? living in my car? i had been thinking, for several years now, that i wanted to try at least briefly living in my car. my brother did it for a year or so, if i recall. i have heard of other people living in their car. i don’t want to do it forever. but i might want to find out what it’s like. however, certain parts of my car are slightly contaminated, although nowhere near as badly as the carpet of my apartment. it’s only a few places, and i can avoid them. i can’t sleep in the back trunk area now (folding down the back seats) because i had put some laundry bags in there, and they contaminated it. but i can sleep in the back seat, with the seats in the normal position. it’s small and cramped… but i’m only five foot two, i’m short. i can curl up. it’s not going to be comfortable, though. the seats are a little slanted, like my futon, and i found out it’s painful to sleep on a slanted surface.

i get people arguing about my instinctual variants. that’s been ‘all the rage’ for the past few weeks since i started reading about ichazo’s instincts in the enneagram. they want me to play a certain role, to do certain things, and they want to know my instincts so that they can control me most effectively.

my reasons for knowing about the instincts and the personality types are to help me *COOPERATE* and *COMMUNICATE* most effectively with people, not control them. cooperate, communicate. i don’t view it like this greedy person searching for someone’s weaknesses and vulnerabilities so that i can have power over them. i see it as wanting to know: what do you desire? what do you want to avoid? can we negotiate something? that is why i am interested in the personality types.

but the ‘voices,’ they are always acting greedy about it, pouncing on anything that looks like a vulnerability that they can take advantage of. this is an enneagram type eight doing this. however, it’s never who you think it is. i have thought many times that judith swack was responsible for my being attacked by the electronic mind control system, however in reality it could be anybody. this is organized crime. judith swack may or may not be involved in the organized crime system. she might not know it or believe it, but i am pretty sure she consciously knows about it, from some things she said on the phone. however, she isn’t the ONLY person involved: there are lots of people involved in the mind control systems and the gangs.

*somebody* decided, a few years ago, that i would not be permitted to meditate silently for even two minutes without being zapped or controlled. they won’t let me, because if i am able to think freely and meditate on my own, i would quickly and easily motivate myself to escape from the life that they have planned for me, from the things they want to force me to do. i used to be able to lie down, and think thoughts, and change my mind, and make plans, and look at my life and decide what direction i wanted to go. now i can’t. i can only think ‘controlled thoughts,’ and if i fight against them, they do these things…

somebody, this is an angry thought – they did this just the other day. somebody bombarded me with the repetitive, meaningless gibberish from the pre-recorded voices, just the other day, as ‘punishment’ because i fought against them and tried to refuse to think the thoughts they were forcing me to think, and feel the emotions they were forcing me to feel. i tried not to, and, as ‘punishment,’ they started repeating these meaningless garbage phrases into my brain, which i haven’t heard in years. they go through phases of saying specific things.

during a few months of a specific time period, they will say a certain word over and over. and it’s meaningless and irrelevant. they interrupt your thoughts with this meaningless word, at random times during the day. for instance, i was working at kentucky fried chicken a couple years ago, and when i was at work, i would be putting food out on the buffet, and all of a sudden hear the phrase ‘feces, shift,’ in my head. they started trying to translate what the word ‘shift’ meant, and decided it was a euphemism for ‘shit.’ so they would say the word ‘shift’ and it was supposed to mean ‘shit.’ i don’t know why. how am i supposed to know why they do these stupid, meaningless attacks? they seemed to be insulting the bad food at KFC, telling me that the food quality was ‘feces, shift’ or something. they were frequently talking about feces and about bad food and anything having to do with shit. i would buy food at sheetz, and they would give me nightmares about ‘shitz.’ there’s another blogger who talks about how they are preoccupied with ‘anything brown’ and fecal material – he’s a tiworld.blogspot.com, if i recall. they harass him over anything resembling fecal material and they are always thinking about it and talking about it and doing things and calling his attention to it. that’s very similar to my own experiences. i never really worried much about fecal material before this. i am not really all that concerned about it. but ‘they,’ for whatever reason, like to think about it all day long, and complain about it, and talk about it, and notice it, and talk about how the food quality is like shit, and so on. this is not me, it’s them.

however, that phase ended, and they stopped bothering me about shit so much. they haven’t harassed me in that particular ‘theme’ for a long time now.

but whenever i do an achievement or accomplishment, such as studying and learning something in my books, or working on a song, they *TOTALLY FREAK OUT* and i will get horrible, disgusting nightmares and severe abuse and attacks. all i have to do is achieve something, and it sets them off. as long as i am miserable and suffering quietly in my isolated little world, all alone, not achieving anything, not learning anything, not creating anything, not writing any music, not being socially approved of – that freaks them out the most, whenever i get social approval or approval from my mother and father. i remember when i emailed my parents and told them i had gotten a raise at the job where i was working at the time. i was making a lot of money doing data entry, back in the early 2000s. so i told my parents in an email, and the attackers went nuts because my mom and dad congratulated me on doing such a good job and getting a raise. the attacks and the torture were extremely severe and disgusting and horrible and murderous that day and afterwards.

and you should see what they do when i try to write music. i have to listen to the music on headphones while i’m writing it. but i have to concentrate. so i’ll play the music a little bit, and then stop, and think about what i’m going to do next. but the murderers won’t let me think: instead, they keep forcing the sound of the music to keep on playing in my head, repetitively, blocking everything else out so that i cannot think. i’ll walk away from the computer and still hear the little phrase of music playing over and over and over in my head, and i physically cannot stop it. i’ll go to sleep, and that night, they will write nightmares about music playing, and those are the most disgusting and intolerable nightmares, and they used to write songs with lyrics about, you guessed it, fecal materials. they were writing songs about shit, whenever i was trying to write music.

and no, it isn’t normal, or natural, or part of how the brain works. i thought, for a while, that it was normal to keep hearing a song playing in your head all day long. modern people talk about getting a song stuck in your head. it’s taken for granted as a normal phenomenon. i have decided about this: i’ve decided that *ALL* songs stuck in your head are *100% FAKE* and nothing else. they are not normal brain behavior, they are not natural, they are *not* ‘subconscious processing’ or anything like that. they are fake, and nothing but fake – ALL music playing in your head is ALWAYS fake. that is what i have decided. i have decided that there is NO SUCH THING as getting a song stuck in your head. this phenomenon just doesn’t exist, and it is a 100% certain indication that you are the victim of an attack.

i am going to make a small exception to this, which is, of course you have short-term memory, and you will sometimes keep thinking of a song, after singing, or listening to it – but this is such a short-term effect and it will go away instantly whenever you want it to, the very instant that you choose for it to be silent, immediately, quickly, and easily. it is merely a brief memory and you can easily forget it and change to some other thought. there is *NEVER, EVER* a problem with a song appearing on its own, involuntarily, from your ‘subconscious mind’ – EVER. NO EXCEPTIONS. it should not come up spontaneously inside your head while you’re in the middle of some other activity. you will never have a nagging song that won’t stop haunting you and refuses to go away, unless you are being attacked.

they don’t want me to write songs… they are soul murderers. my song is my soul. i want to sing it. i could write great songs, songs of joy, songs of life. it wouldn’t be the shit that’s on the radio now – and yes, i’m talking about fecal material – you want to be preoccupied with fecal material, you can go listen to the crap that’s on the radio. i would write great music different from that crap that’s on the radio. the soul murderers won’t let me write.

i think i should go do something else now.

no, i haven’t given up yet

July 12, 2009

i’ve been asking this question:  ‘and what does that have to do with friendship?’

i hear voices giving me excuses for why martin won’t speak to me.  the excuses don’t really make sense to me (from the voices i hear, that is – i haven’t spoken with martin in so long, i don’t know what he himself would say for real).  they don’t explain why he cannot talk to me AT ALL.  or be friends on facebook, or anything else, anywhere, at all, in any way.

some time ago, i guess it was around thanksgiving of 2008, i wrote him a long note (on paper), and yes, it was *too* long, and i explained what had been going on.  he wrote me an answer that didn’t make sense to me.  it sounded like he was talking about emails from a very long time ago (instead of the recent ones i had been trying to send), or that he had jumped to a conclusion or he was assuming something that i didn’t understand.  but i didn’t keep trying to ask about it.

with all the excuses that i hear in my mind, i am asking:  and what does that have to do with friendship?  why can two people not even speak to each other?  why can they not even look at each other?  why can’t they even be friends on FACEBOOK, for crying out loud?  and i hate facebook, so believe me, i certainly won’t be a facebook nuisance, because i don’t use it very much.

he had a new answering message on his phone.  i haven’t even tried to call in a very long time.  i just wanted to see what would happen.

more drama. they’re complaining about all the drama lately.

July 11, 2009

today i lament the disinformation system, the box that people are put in, the parallel universe. not being able to talk directly to people. it’s very real to me. dissociative identity disorder, people blanking out and forgetting that they’ve done or said something, while they switch to an alternate personality. phone calls and letters not getting through. even when people think they’re hacking someone’s computer, they’re really seeing a mockup, a fake, not the real thing, not the whole thing. it’s a very paranoid theory.

i’m cleaning things up in my apartment, slowly. i might end up living in my car for a while, as i continue to go through my stuff, and also decontaminate the car itself. i haven’t gotten a phone call from the one apartment i was trying to get. and i can’t focus much energy on doing too many different projects per day – so i have to either focus on trying to hunt for an apartment, or focus on packing and moving things into storage.

meanwhile, i keep getting hit with various drugs that make it hard to sleep or that make me tired and depressed. the garbage bag on my car seat got gradually ripped off and moved, exposing me once again to whatever it is that got on the seat.

yesterday i felt that something was so severely wrong, i hadn’t felt that bad in a very long time. i really could not remember a time when i had been in such a bad mood. that was after packing and moving the books.

when i was feeling this urge to write letters to martin again, it was like i was in bad mood and he was supposed to make me feel better – my idealized crushes and infatuations have always been that way. it always seems like the person is different from or better than the real people who i actually know and interact with in real life. i wanted to make the friendship into a normal, mundane friendship instead of an idealized fantasy crush. this is more like having a crush on a celebrity that you can only see on a movie or a poster, and not like a real person.

i’m still not feeling well today, but not as bad as yesterday. i didn’t touch the books today – i would guess it probably is pesticide. but i don’t know for sure.

i can’t wait until some time when i don’t have to constantly worry about this. it wasn’t always this way. it’s only been like this since 2007. i am really not as severely chemical sensitive as it might seem – there are only a few specific things i have to avoid. and the herbal residues, and drug residues, are an unusual thing, not a normally occurring thing – especially now that i know what to expect.

i would like to be able to think about other things in life besides worrying about what objects i can safely touch, and throwing away clothes that i buy – i go to goodwill, get the cheapest stuff, and i make sure that the clothing is plain, so that it doesn’t hurt too badly when i throw it away.

i can tell that the ‘car seat drug’ is bothering me, because i’m sick again and can’t eat. that’s the one that makes it hard for me to eat anything. but i am going to try again – i have to eat something before work today.

monday will be horrible. i will spend a few hours poisoned by carbon monoxide and propane smoke, even though i will turn on the hood fan. i’m guessing that the hood fan is probably not perfect enough to remove every single molecule of carbon monoxide. it’s also the leaking propane itself, not yet burned.

work

July 11, 2009

well, some people are moving around in my department at work.

and when i was complaining about managers, i didn’t mean my low-level manager. i was complaining about things that we are told to do from much higher up in the company. i like ‘green hat thinking,’ but… well, the green hat isn’t the only hat.

i can’t work around propane flames, so this is going to be a major problem. i haven’t rehearsed an assertiveness-refusal yet. for the couple of days i’m there, i will turn on the hood fan, which nobody else ever does. i expect to be dizzy and sick, which is the opposite of what i need right now while trying to move out of my house and already being sick with unknown chemicals. i also seem to be having problems with the dust at the storage unit. it’s making my throat sore.

anyway, i will be preparing an ‘absolutely not’ statement very soon, but will probably do it on my day off. this is, unfortunately, life or death. fossil fuel flames make me very sick. i will be over there in a dopey daze, staring at the walls for hours, then go home and be half-dead for the next 24 hours, and i absolutely must be alert enough to pack my stuff and move out.

the books are mostly moved out now.

July 10, 2009

i got the last of my bookshelf books down in the car, but i haven’t put them in the storage unit yet. i have a few books left, but they are in a pile which i know is ‘suspected contamination.’ they were on the floor in the area where i set down something that was contaminated, and the carpet is contaminated in that spot. i had a reaction to some of the books while handling them later on, but wasn’t sure which ones, so they will all be labeled.

an unimaginable hell that i have lived through, since 2007 when this began. there is some work to do, getting rid of some stuff. but this won’t happen again – not like this. if i ever get contaminated with anything again, it will be small and contained, since i know about it now. i know what to expect.

i make predictions, and i feel that this is the end of the contamination time period… ‘they’ become anxious when i predict that this episode is over – they think someone will threaten me, someone will cause another contamination incident or chemical incident deliberately. i don’t think so, and i am betting not. i realize that there are some of ‘them’ who are really, seriously messed-up people – i know that because of the nightmares. there is a certain recognizable ‘style’ of nightmare which is from a particular person, a murderer, someone who is NOT benign. there are times when i *hate* that person. strangely, i do not even believe that that particular person is going to try to do some other kind of contamination incident, not like this.

i am also going to have a videocamera again, to make sure i don’t do anything strange while sleeping.

i am getting hit with drugs or something while handling the books – it is making me feel that i’m in a very, very bad mood. some of it is probably flea powder from long ago. the books are dusty.

i am sick of this, tired of every day being like this. i will know when it’s time to feel better – when i am living in a new place, and i can walk on the carpet without having a reaction. (there shouldn’t be any carpets at all, but i don’t have a choice, because of the stupidity of this culture that *has* to have carpets everywhere for some reason, even though a lot of people have problems with them, such as allergies to dust mites.)

i am in such a bad mood right now that nothing makes me feel better. i keep getting the urge to write an email to martin, but i already know from experience that he doesn’t answer direct questions. i hate them for forcing me to say the things i said to him. he was never able to trust me again after they started playing the little ‘i see all and know all and i am omniscient’ game with him. that is not what i would have done by myself. now he can never trust me again because he knows i am a puppet, and i could say one of those evil things at any moment, and he can’t just trust me to be myself.

very, very long rant, to avoid doing work

July 8, 2009

i have packed some of my books into small boxes today. i didn’t get a lot of them packed, just a few. i wanted to do the books first, because they’re heavy, so those will be boxes on the bottom of the box piles in the storage unit.

touching the books, i got a dry sinuses feeling. it was mild, and not as severe as some of the objects that were blatantly contaminated with ephedra. so i don’t know for sure if it’s just a very low-level ephedra residue, or if it’s something else that dries out your sinuses. a long time ago, i wouldn’t have noticed that kind of effect, because i didn’t know it existed. you only find out about it if you handle something as deadly as ephedra. when it affects you, you can’t ignore it or fail to notice it. after that, you then become aware of ALL transdermal residues.

some of the stuff on the books might be flea powder from when i lived upstairs. several years ago, the mange was my big issue, before i found out about… ‘other problems’ to worry about, for instance, electronic mind control. so for a while, i was fighting the mange, putting flea powder all over the carpet upstairs, and i made myself sick for months with exhaustion caused by pesticides. a lot of the mange came from visiting eric’s house, because we had the stray cats over there, which got mange on the carpets and furniture, and eric didn’t vacuum or shampoo the carpet very much. i stopped getting mange so badly when i stopped visiting eric’s house. nowadays, i only get outbreaks of mange if i buy new clothes and don’t wash them first. i assume it’s ALL new clothes if they’ve been tried on by some other customer, then put back on the shelf. but i buy most of my clothes from goodwill nowadays, so i can’t say for sure if the problem happens at other places besides goodwill (used clothing), if it really is just from somebody trying it on, or if it’s because of somebody else owning it first. i can’t explain why ‘somebody else’s’ mange is always irritating at first, and then you either get used to the mites, or you scratch them off and get rid of them. you really do get rid of them when you scratch, so don’t let anyone tell you not to scratch. a lot of it goes back and forth between humans and animals, but it also goes from human to human.

i want a house without carpets. carpets are stupid, horrible, dangerous, a nuisance, and they are bad in every possible way. I HATE CARPETS.

my landlord called my mom (because she’s been paying my rent, because i’ve been too sick to go get a second job… because i need a second job, because the government made this law saying that if you work more than forty hours a week, they have to pay you overtime, which has forced all employers to do everything they can to avoid overtime, which means that they are always cutting hours, and nobody can work only one job, which means everybody gets two jobs, neither of which is paying overtime, which defeats the whole purpose of making a law that says you have to get paid overtime if you work more than forty hours a week. I HATE GOVERNMENT.)

anyway, my landlord called my mom, since she’s paying my rent for me. he told her that i haven’t been moving out. that’s because this past week, i was fighting to stay alive while having recurring transient heart attacks caused by rhododendron residues, which got on the car floor when i got back in my car after walking around near the rhododendron plant that i took pictures of. i was forced to go to black moshannon and take pictures, because ‘they’ gave me the idea that this would be a fun outing for me to do. (normally, i would try not to blame them for this ‘accident,’ and i would try to give them the benefit of the doubt. but sometimes, i feel as though the attacks were deliberate and intended to cause injury.) i had driven my car through black moshannon on my wandering car trips, and i had seen the very large, strange, scary radio towers, which were fascinating. i noticed them and wondered what they do. so ‘they’ decided a couple weeks ago that, all of a sudden, i should go to black moshannon and take some pictures of the big giant radio towers. it was intended to just be an enjoyable picture-taking outing.

my ‘spontaneous’ outings and car trips are often prompted or urged by ‘them.’ i can’t always explain why i go where i go. i go on car trips to get out of the house, because for one thing, this house makes me so sick that i want to get out. so i have been driving around a lot in the past few months, so there was nothing really unusual about another idea to go on a car trip.

however, it seems like a ‘coincidence,’ that neda soltan and michael jackson both died in a very big, public, famous way, with the whole world watching, from something wrong with their hearts, and at the same time period, i suddenly got exposed to rhododendron contamination which has been giving me transient heart attacks every time i get the residue on me. it’s one of those ‘coincidences’ where i want to blame the puppeteers for making me do something, and yet, at the same time, a lot of the voices that i hear, and the people that i interact with, treat me in a benign way, and only a small minority of them ever do anything which is obviously destructive and hurtful. but that small minority of attackers do a large amount of damage.

when i talk about that subject, i always must give the disclaimer: that if i could ‘opt out’ of hearing voices, i would.

everything that i have gained, everything of value, that came from the voices, i could have (and should have) gotten from a face-to-face, real world conversation instead of by having voices put into my head. anytime i’ve taken their suggestions, it could have potentially been done by using a real friendship, open communications, through talking, phone calls, letters, web pages, etc. it didn’t depend on the particular communication medium being used: electronic voices in someone’s head. it should have been communicated by some other method instead. so i say that if i gained anything valuable or useful from ‘them,’ it should have been communicated to me using legitimate methods, instead of voices in my head.

so anyway, mom was talking on the phone with me, and i knew this would happen: after arguing with mom, the LAST THING on earth that i wanted to do was work on moving out. mom is all panicking and freaking out because the landlord called her about how i haven’t done much moving.

i told mom the truth, in an angry way, and i explained about the rhododendron incident and my heart attacks. i said to her that i already knew she wouldn’t believe a word i say. i could demonstrate the transdermal route of entry for herbal poisoning, but A. i don’t have much to gain by convincing her, and B. i would not want to do anything severely dangerous or destructive, and yet, she wouldn’t understand unless she really experienced just how bad it is when ALL OF YOUR CLOTHING gets contaminated and you can’t wash it out, even after multiple washings. so i won’t be doing that, because that’s destructive and not useful.

if i ever do any demonstrations, it will be a demonstration which is carefully planned and designed in a way to make the point, without harming anybody, to demonstrate that 1. herbal oils leave residues on objects and clothing, 2. these residues go through the skin, 3. very low dosages of these herbs have noticeable effects on the body, especially in a person who is a ‘slow metabolizer’ or ‘low metabolizer’ or whatever it’s called, whenever your DNA can only produce one copy of the enzyme, or whatever. (‘fast metabolizers’ are people who produce several copies of the same enzymes, so they have a whole bunch of ‘chemical cleanup systems’ running at the same time inside their bodies. apparently i’m one of the people who produces hardly any of the enzymes needed to break down chemical poisons.) and also, 4. you can wash the clothes a hundred times, yet it still won’t remove the residue.

as for #4, think about the colors that are dyed into your clothing. those colored dyes are a chemical which is specifically intended NOT to come out of the fabric, no matter how many times you wash it. the dye will slightly pale or fade, but it won’t come out of the fabric completely.

the herbal residues do come out, a little bit, because apparently they’re able to disconnect from the fabric they’re sticking to, and go through your skin into your body. but apparently, they still stick to the fabric very strongly even in the washer, and also, the water dissolves them and moves them around so that they spread all over the whole load of laundry.

the chemical contamination has been the center of my life since 2007. it is unimaginable. if i had to rank whether contamination or electronic mind control was my biggest problem, believe it or not, i am ranking the contamination as being WORSE for me than electronic mind control. the chemicals are MORE life-threatening and more constant and more hard to avoid, in a way.

as soon as the contamination is gone, the electronic mind control will rise up to being one of the highest priority problems again. but right now, it’s a lower priority problem.

i had wanted to build a shield, too – just a very low-tech shield, to test things like what would happen if you block out ambient non-directed radio waves, like cell phones. i was going to do that years ago. but then i contaminated everything, and then also the air in the apartment was moldy, and i couldn’t do the shield project, even though it should have been simple, cheap, and low-tech and easy to test.

i can’t look back and figure out which things i was FORCED to do, versus which things i decided to do on my own.

last night i was talking on the phone to peter, and they were constantly urging me, prompting me, cueing me to say things. there was a silence when i didn’t have anything to say, and they kept trying to force me to ask questions (‘how are you feeling? what’s your blood sugar at? how did your day go? what’s your schedule in the next couple days?’) i resisted them, and instead, complained to peter that i was currently having ‘unwanted mental experiences’ at that moment. this is one nice thing about my relationship with peter, that i told him years ago that i have ‘unwanted mental experiences’ and that i hear voices, and we trust each other enough that i can occasionally complain about it if i have to.

that is the pettiness of their constant micromanaging. that conversation wasn’t life-or-death! it was trivial, everyday small talk! nobody was going to die! lives weren’t on the line! if i had an ‘awkward silence’ or perhaps a ‘comfortable silence,’ what harm would that do? who was going to die if i sat quietly on the phone with peter (who, by the way, was probably FORCED to call me at that particular moment) and didn’t say anything at all? what’s wrong with ‘dead air?’ why is silence THE END OF THE WORLD? why must you fill in every single tiny second with some trivial bit of small talk?

so every now and then, when i am in a bad mood, when i am under stress, when i have PMS as i did very badly this whole week, when i have other things to worry about that ARE a very big deal, i become unable to endure or tolerate or happily go along with all their petty micromanaging.

they don’t understand the concept of ‘laissez faire.’ leave it alone. hands off. don’t intervene. let it be. they can’t tell the difference between what is important versus what is trivial.

whenever i was a young child, i *DID* experience ‘comfortable silences’ while talking to people! i remember. comfortable silences were something that could happen every now and then, and you didn’t worry about them. you didn’t have to fill in every single instant with constant babbling. and i felt much closer to people that way. in the silence, you can feel your feelings.

that was something that i liked about martin. he said something to me about having a problem with ‘awkward silences,’ and i’d have to read his emails again to see if it’s something he wrote in an email, or something he said out loud or on the phone. but he mentioned awkward silences. i LIKED his awkward silences. they are much nicer than the artificial, prompted, small-talk babbling that i am forced to do.

i’m not sure how long it will be that i am still remembering martin and thinking about him. based on my past history, whenever i get a ‘crush’ or ‘infatuation’ with somebody, it tends to keep going for a long time, sometimes a very long time, even when that person is no longer nearby or is no longer part of my life. i’m actually somewhat worried about that, because it could be a year or two from now, that something will happen, like i’ll get exposed to drugs again, or something, and ‘they’ will force me to suddenly get the urge to go looking for martin. i am physically capable of, for instance, trying to search for his home address.

(luckily, i have not yet taught myself how to ‘hack’ into computers, so i don’t have to resist that temptation. that would be a project that would require a lot of learning and practice, and i am avoiding going that direction. hacking doesn’t guarantee that you will get real information or truth – you could still be manipulated or deceived by other hackers, by ‘the system,’ by censorship, by unknown puppeteers and… whoever. and i have always worried that, with my luck – or my being manipulated – that i would probably be the one and only person who was ever caught and put in jail for ‘petty hacking,’ the type of everyday hacking where people snoop and read other people’s email, and all that – the stuff that the younger generation takes for granted nowadays. in my generation, snooping into emails was still seen as unusual, or not done very often, and not taken for granted. nowadays, however, spying on someone’s email or their social networking sites is the ‘first response’ to a crisis. girlfriend breaks up with you? first response: hack her email to find out if she’s talking to another guy. that’s what people do nowadays, at least that’s my impression.)

i think that hacking is probably similar to looking in the palantir, in the lord of the rings. when you look in this crystal ball, you will get bits of the truth, but it’s easy to misinterpret what little you see. you won’t get all of the facts, you won’t get all of the truth, and you won’t know what conclusions to draw or how to interpret what you see. and the images can be tricks, set up by someone else using another palantir. a hacker might think that he can finally see the ‘real truth’ by spying on someone’s email to find out ‘what’s her REAL opinion of me?’ and so on, but he could still be seeing only an ‘edited version,’ with things removed or changed, for all we know, by some other hacker or system.

i still, to this day, don’t know whether martin got all of the emails i sent him, and i don’t know if i got all of the emails he sent me. i don’t know who wrote the few emails i did receive from him. i don’t know if he really ‘dissociates’, blanking out and then forgetting what he said. i swear i saw something happen one or two times where he really did seem to switch to some other way of acting, for a minute, and say or do something strange and unexpected. one time when he did this, it happened right when i also heard a voice in my head, talking about something which had to do with him.

so nothing is resolved, which means that he and i are both still in danger of some kind of stalking incident. i wanted to find some reliable way to communicate with him, so i was going to just add him as a facebook friend, and then i would, at least occasionally, be able to read a brief comment from him now and then, or ask him a question, or find out what he’s doing, and i would no longer have that urgent, panicky feeling or get the beliefs in my head (from them) that for some reason, martin is in danger or martin needs me, and i ABSOLUTELY MUST GO FIND HIM RIGHT NOW because he needs help and we haven’t been able to communicate. that’s one of the most frequent ideas that they put into my head, that for some reason, martin needs me but can’t communicate with me, and i always believe it, because somehow it seems like it’s possible. apparently, this is a vulnerability of my personality that they are taking advantage of.

i have been reading about ichazo, the enneagram, and the three instincts (note, there are probably more than three, but they are emphasizing three MAIN or GENERAL instincts, which include other more detailed instincts within them). social, sexual, self-preservation. i don’t know for sure which category it’s in, but they are manipulating an instinctive feeling that i need to protect martin or stay connected with him, as though he is my child or my mate, or some other kind of close bond. something which is not merely a casual friend, but instead, somebody who i am supposed to be responsible for, and have to give some kind of material help in the real world. so they’ve been reminding me about him a lot over the past week or so, and not letting me forget him. i am wondering how long this is going to last.

i didn’t write the details of the dream the other day – all my dreams are fake, there are no ‘free’ dreams that happen by themselves anymore – my mind never creates its own dreams, but instead, they are all written by an external attacker. they occasionally give me pleasant, enjoyable dreams, and the martin dream was comforting, intimate and erotic, but i am not going into any detail about it.

i already know that ‘they’ will be freaking out after i publish this, if i publish any blogs that mention anything sexual at all. i also know that i’m probably being influenced by drugs, and that there is no way NOT to be influenced by drugs whenever i am moving my belongings and putting things into boxes and touching contaminated objects, and getting into strange moods. obviously, i am stuck in ‘infinite writing’ mode right now, where i write a blog for a very long time in order to avoid doing something painful. it’s painful and stressful to walk up and down the stairs carrying boxes. i carried a few boxes down to my car, and i will drive them out to the storage place today. but it is physically painful and unbearably stressful to be packing and moving things for hours.

mom threatened to send dad up here to help me. that would actually be worse than doing it alone, because dad doesn’t know the ‘contamination rules.’ he doesn’t know how you have to avoid touching certain objects or avoid setting things on the carpet in certain places. so if he were helping me pack things and put them in the car, my car would get even more contaminated and so would all my stuff.

so anyway, there is a real risk right now that as i move all my stuff, i will be getting hit with various drugs, over and over again, which will cause me to write blogs for hours, and i’m afraid i might try sending an email to martin or something. it causes me pain to do that, because he either doesn’t reply, and then i start to wonder whether he received it at all, or whether something prevents me from getting his reply, which makes the problem get worse and i want to send another email to try to get some kind of response – or else, he does reply, but only rarely, and only some of the time – and the last couple times he replied, he threatened to call the police. (the voices were joking about that afterwards, saying, ‘which police, the real ones or the fake ones?’) after that, i had several ‘obvious perp’ incidents, which involved real people and they behaved in a fake and insincere way (‘bad acting’ or ‘overacting’) and it was associated with hearing voices – and i don’t usually call people ‘perps,’ but these were definitely perps (but then again, in a court of law, i would still have to prove it – it is *ALWAYS* theoretically possible that someone was being manipulated, no matter how certain you are that they knew what they were doing). they behaved like people who know exactly what they’re doing, and are doing it consciously. they didn’t act like innocent puppets who don’t understand the meaning of the words that they impulsively blurt out (which i myself have experienced). these people were clearly ‘perps.’ perpetrators of a crime or ‘activity.’ the perp incidents had a kind of entertainment value, but were not really threatening or ‘abusive,’ they were just getting my attention in a way.

i had to read back at the beginning to remember something i was going to say.

it helps SO MUCH to have someone on earth who BELIEVES you and LISTENS to you. if someone just listens to your feelings whenever you tell them an unbelievable story. if someone takes you seriously and respects you.

i was thinking of this because of fighting with mom on the telephone, knowing that she thinks i’m crazy, that she doesn’t believe there is any rhododendron residue giving me transient heart attacks, and i didn’t bother trying to explain to her that i ‘got the idea’ from somebody to go to black moshannon and get some up-close rhododendron photos, thinking to myself that even though i already knew rhododendron was poisonous, i figured it was LESS poisonous than ephedra, i figured it was only MILDLY poisonous, and so it wouldn’t be dangerous to walk next to it.

that’s kind of true, and kind of not true. for instance, poison hemlock is everywhere. poison hemlock is what they used to kill socrates, or whoever. he drank it. but poison hemlock is also considered a ‘medicinal herb,’ and the settlers brought it with them when they came to the usa from europe, if i understand correctly. it’s a non-native plant that was brought here deliberately by some people.

well, now it’s everywhere. i’ve walked next to something which i thought was poison hemlock, or a relative of that plant, and i got slightly dizzy and sleepy, but that was all. just mild sleepiness. so i would categorize that plant as being less dangerous to walk next to, but at the same time, you don’t want to break the plant, or grind it up with a lawnmower or a weedeater, or step on it, or get it on you. and i don’t know how badly it contaminates nearby soil. anyway, the basic idea is that (i hate whenever they ‘prompt’ my sentences) you sometimes can walk around close to poisonous plants and it isn’t necessarily going to cause major problems. so i assumed rhododendrons were like that, you could walk near them and not get contaminated too badly just by being close to them, or standing on the soil next to the plant.

i had an experience at work several weeks ago. it was a positive experience in a way. it had to do with ‘the value of expressing your feelings to someone who listens.’ it had a positive result, but actually, i changed back to my previous way of doing things. here is what happened.

there is a rule that we are supposed to package the fried chicken a certain way, which i disagree with. you’re supposed to fold down the flap of the bag, then put the label on it, and make the label face backwards, away from the customer, so that the customers deliberately cannot read the label on the bag to see what’s in it. they are supposed to look through the little window on the front of the bag (according to the explanation i was given) and be ‘enticed’ to pick up the bag, turn it around, and read what’s on the back side of it, inconveniently facing away from them, to see what’s inside. after they’ve picked up the bag and they’re holding it in their hands (the explanation continues), they’re ‘more likely’ to continue with the momentum, now that they are holding the bag in their hands, and say, ‘yeah, i’m gonna buy this,’ and then take it, since they had to physically pick it up in their hands to turn it around backwards and read what was in it.

this fits in the category of ‘insane self-destructive stupidity done as an act of desperation by clueless managers who write rules without consulting the *sane* people who actually work in the stores and have a clue.

anyway, i never packaged the chicken the way the other people did. i did it my own way. i put it in the bag with the label, and also the little window, facing towards the customer. i like the idea of convenience and courtesy for the customers. not only can they see what’s in the bag by looking at the window, they can also see the words written above it, and the price, and it’s also facing towards them.

i have seen customers doing this:

they pick up the bags, turn them around, with an annoyed look on their face. ‘how irritating it is to have to dig through these stupid bags looking for what i want. i’m getting impatient. i’m losing patience. i’m still turning bags around one after another and moving them all around this hot case. time is passing. i’m still turning around one bag after another to read what’s written on the back, inconveniently facing away from me. i’m getting very annoyed now. i can’t find what i want. i can’t tell what kind of chicken this is, looking through this dim little window. i can’t find what i want. it’s not here. i give up.’

the customer walks away, annoyed, not buying anything at all.

this is reality.

as i said, the rule is insane, and i do not follow that rule. i face the labels, and the windows, and the bags, conveniently towards the customer. customers are happy and grateful to quickly and easily read and see what’s in the bags. they can find exactly what they want, quickly and easily.

recently a co-worker explained to me why my way was wrong. i told him that i didn’t like to do it that way and that i felt rebellious about it. i expressed frustration about how i disagreed with that way of doing things. i told him how i felt.

i know some people who would have been bossy and interrupted me and would have just commanded me right that instant to do it, or else, because that’s the way it’s done. but this particular co-worker just listened quietly while i explained my feelings. he seemed sympathetic, while at the same time, was telling me that i was supposed to do it this other way that i disagreed with. and i think that’s a good way of communicating. after i vented my feelings, i was willing to give it a try. i actually changed my way of packaging the fried chicken, because this co-worker had listened quietly while i expressed my disagreement, and he acted like it wasn’t the end of the world, and like this was no big deal. like it’s okay to have feelings, it’s okay to disagree with someone, it’s okay to feel annoyed and frustrated about your job and about how they do things around here. he didn’t give me ‘do it, or else!’ and he didn’t give me ‘your intelligence is threatening to me, therefore i will say something insulting to make you look like an idiot,’ either. he didn’t give me the ‘you’re crazy’ attitude. he just listened in a sympathetic way and we were both a little bit amused by it, and we joked about it a little afterwards.

so i actually tried doing it the ‘bad, stupid, insane’ way. i put the labels on the back, facing away from the customers, so that they would pick it up and hold it in their hands, theoretically making them more likely to just go with the flow and take the bag, now that it was already in their hands.

i did it that way for maybe a day or two. however, an incident happened – it didn’t take long – which made me very angry, and i changed back to my previous, sane way of doing it. (you can’t imagine how frustrated i feel at my job. i am the lowest of the low, the bottom of the pile, the least respected in the hierarchy… yet i sometimes get customers who tell me that they only want ME to do something for them, because they like the way i do it and they don’t want anyone else to do it. in other words, REALITY likes the way i do things.)

here is what i saw. i had all the labels facing inconveniently backwards, like i was told. and there was a lady with a couple boys standing in front of the hot case looking at the bags of chicken. she didn’t bother picking up every single bag and turning it around to find out whether or not we had the type of chicken she wanted. she just stood there and glanced at it, looking more frustrated and more sure that we didn’t have anything she wanted. *SHE DID NOT EVEN BOTHER TO PICK UP THE BAGS AND TURN THEM AROUND.* the bags looked like a blank, meaningless, incomprehensible bunch of ‘stuff’ that she couldn’t quickly see just by looking at it. ‘is there any popcorn chicken here? i don’t see any. no, i don’t think they have any popcorn chicken…’ i saw this happening. she was talking to the boys, who were also just standing there glancing at these meaningless, incomprehensible bags of chicken, which you can’t really see or understand. and then, *THEY STARTED WALKING AWAY.*

did they bother to pick up each and every bag, reaching in there, turning it around to read the bag? no, they just stood there, looked at it for a minute, became frustrated and annoyed, gave up and left.

and as a matter of fact, we DID have popcorn chicken! they assumed we didn’t have any! it was right there, but they couldn’t see it! we had two bags of popcorn chicken. so i walked over there and pulled out the two bags for them and showed it to them, and she took one of the bags from me. but what if i hadn’t been there while this was going on? we would have lost a sale because of the insane stupidity of facing all the labels backwards to inconvenience the customers!

by the way, about reaching into the hot case turning the bags around: that’s dangerous – a lawsuit potential! the hot lamps up above, in the case, will burn your hand if you accidentally touch your hand against them. i did it before. it fries your skin instantly – third degree burn. so you have this customer, impatient, annoyed, and frustrated, unable to quickly find what they’re looking for, hastily shuffling through lots of bags of fried chicken – and in their haste and annoyance, they tap the back of their hand against the heat lamp. what do you think this impatient, annoyed customer is going to do then?

and people have been turning the hot lights up to the highest setting, too – *EXTREMELY HOT!* – hot enough to melt the plastic containers when someone pushes one of the rotisserie chickens over to the side where the fried products are (yes, that has been happening too: they are turning the heat lamp up to the highest setting, then rotisserie chickens get put over there, and their containers get all warped and melted) – because in that hot case, the fried chicken quickly becomes lukewarm. so this is *LAWSUIT POTENTIAL*, somebody burning their hand because they were reaching into the hot case, turning around one bag after another to inconveniently read something facing away from them, on the back. *DO YOU SEE WHY I AM ANNOYED!* i don’t even want to fry chicken ahead – it only takes six minutes! we should just make it *to order* and not prepare anything ahead of time, except maybe during the busiest time period, during lunch hour on weekdays. any other time, there are hardly any fried chicken sales, and *WE ARE THROWING IT ALL AWAY*.

but no, instead of making less shrink, we are cutting costs another way: cutting employees’ hours! so i’m not getting any hours, because our company doesn’t get much business during the summertime when the students are gone, but we’re not allowed to cut back on production and waste – instead, we cut back on employee work hours.

we are not allowed to judge for ourselves what sells and what doesn’t sell, at the local level, or how much of it, or how to package it.

there are some types of businesses where consistency, sameness, and reliability between different stores is important. for instance, sheetz. when you’re driving on a long trip, you see a sheetz store, and you always know that they’re all guaranteed to be open 24 hours a day, so you’re more likely to go there. however, if you see some other gas station, like uni-mart or exxon, you don’t know for sure whether that store will be open during the nighttime, so you don’t waste time getting off the exit and driving to that gas station only to find out that it’s closed in the middle of the night. when you see sheetz, you know right away that every sheetz will always be open 24 hours. in that situation, it’s important for all the stores to do exactly the same thing, all the time.

but with this grocery store, with how much chicken we sell or don’t sell, we DON’T want to be exactly the same as every other store. instead, we need to judge for ourselves how much to make, and when to make it. i am tired of making tons and tons of food, only to see it getting thrown in the garbage, and then, i and the other employees get our hours cut in order to save money.

my department is one of the most wasteful, biggest losses in the whole store. i will be the first to lose my job whenever my store finally admits that the entire corporation is bankrupt, like every other big business in the world that has been using the government’s fiat money system and borrowed money. i can already see it, that if they start cutting departments, my department will be judged as too wasteful and they will get rid of it.

all businesses are bankrupt. that’s the conclusion i’ve drawn. everyone is millions of dollars in debt, nobody is making any real profits, and nobody has a net worth greater than zero. i’m sure there are some counterexamples. but i won’t get started on the subject of what’s wrong with the fiat money system and why.

the purpose of this blog was to avoid moving my stuff into storage, and also, because i got hit with drugs while handling the books. so i’ve spent a few hours ‘ranting and raving’ and entertaining myself by sitting at the computer typing, instead of running up and down the stairs feeling the pain in every bone and joint in my body.

i hope: to live a contamination-free life in the future, where i don’t get hit with drugs all the time. i’ll be getting rid of more of my belongings. i hope to be healthier and not feel pain all the time. i hope to have help and to be able to talk with people who understand.