Archive for September, 2013

Real donations, and an unusual comment.

September 29, 2013

12:19 PM 9/29/2013

I might not be able to sit at this table. I’m at the Lemont Cafe and I decided to try to sit at the little tiny table that’s underneath the roof of grapevines. It turns out that it’s a “little tikes” table made of plastic, and I can’t really put my legs underneath it. I’m trying to type on my netbook, so I will just move to a different table. I can’t get this into a secure position. I have to sit sideways and the netbook is sliding.

Okay, I’m better now.

Well, here is what’s going on. I left a comment on Rick’s blog. It was written in an unusual writing style and put in a place where several other commenters would see it if they were subscribed to comments on that post.

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Dear Mr. DeLong,

Thank you so much for inviting me to suck your dick! Your exact words were, ‘EAT MY HUGE, THROBBING COCK, YOU UGLY FUCKING CUNT!’ It just so happens that this has been a lifelong dream of mine! That very thing! I was so excited to hear that it might finally come true. And then, when you said, ‘WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, STICK YOUR TONGUE ALL THE WAY UP MY FAT, HAIRY ASS! OH YEAH, THAT’S IT, BITCH, RIGHT THERE, IN THE ASSHOLE!,’ I was amazed – another lifelong dream! Sucking your dick and licking your ass would be such an honor for me. I nearly wept with joy.

Alas, I am but a poor girl, and there are few opportunities to pursue such dreams while I am living here in the United States. I am sad and alone, pleasuring myself in the night and thinking of you, hoping that someday all of my wildest fantasies might really happen. I rub my belly and sigh with longing, wishing I had your precious babies growing inside me (twins every time, I imagine!).

But with every donation I give to you, I know that I am that much closer to reaching my dream. It fills me with hope and makes each day brighter. Positive changes can really happen. I know my pennies are making a difference!

Again, thank you for opening your doors to me and welcoming me into your life. Here’s to our great future together!

Sincerely,
Your Most Devoted Admirer, Loyal Cyberstalker, and Future Wife,
Nicole Jeanette Binns

Lots of love!
<3<3<3

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I wrote this comment last night while lying in my tent. I was 'coached' by hearing voices in my head, and giggling often while I wrote it.

I have told Rick that I am not 100% mania-free, but rather, the mania is greatly reduced, less frequent, briefer in duration, and easier to fix than it was in the past. He may or may not believe me about my drug residues, but he probably still expects a lot more craziness from me in the future, I'm guessing.

The comment was actually true, in spirit, although exaggerated in a couple places. I never actually rub my belly and sigh, dreaming of Rick's children. However, I do really obsess over having babies, and I'm fascinated with watching YouTube videos of women having natural childbirth.

And one reason why my obsession with Rick is as strong and serious as it is is because I feel that he is, actually, a good candidate for my husband. This is a rational decision, not just sighing and longing and fantasizing about a lover. The reason why I think he'd be a good husband for me is because I also admire a lot of things about his lifestyle and I want to learn a lot from him. He earns an income as a writer, translator, interpreter, and from his website ads, and by doing other projects that I don't know about. That means that he has a lot of free time, and he would be more available to me and the children, instead of having to work 40 hours a week in an office all the time. My belief that he would make a good husband for me is based on reasons, not just on sexual desires and fantasies, as I portrayed it in the comment.

And Rick's actual words were 'You suck,' and, earlier in an email, 'I don't like creeps – they suck.' So, those words were exaggerated (to the point of being almost completely fabricated).

However, I have reasons to believe that Rick is hiding his feelings and being indirect, for real, not just as a delusion of mine. It's based on a lot of different things that he has said and done, over a long period of time, since spring of 2011. It's hard to know anything merely from reading words on a screen, though. That's why I've been so uncertain and insecure and questioning my beliefs. I do actually get tricked by delusional beliefs that the voices put into my head, all the time, and I don't trust them, and I don't like to make decisions based on ideas that the voices put into my head – they've led me to do a lot of stupid things in the past, big huge mistakes that have been very damaging and traumatic.

However, I've reduced the mania enough that I know I'm not completely crazy and not completely out of control. I'm still rational enough and calm enough to make realistic decisions in between brief moments of silliness.

That is why I am, in reality, saving up to visit Rick in the real world so that I can interact with him and find out whether we can at least tolerate each other in reality. I'm starting to save that money right now, but I'm doing it in an unusual, roundabout way.

I had lots and lots of money earlier this year, from selling my coin collection. I had intended to sell the coins and use some of the money for my decontamination project, and then, I was hoping that I would be able to use the rest of the money to travel, take a plane somewhere, maybe go see Rick if I could, maybe go somewhere else. I had wanted to go to Alaska and Canada too.

But my year was a disastrous failure, as usual. I spent all of the money repeatedly going to sleep in a hotel during the end of winter. It wasn't even the coldest part of winter. I slept in my tent on the coldest nights, inside four thick sleeping bags, even when the temperature dropped down to the single digits Fahrenheit. Instead, I went to the hotel on nights when it wasn't even the coldest. I mostly went there because I was getting sick a lot. I'd get out of work and just be so utterly miserable that I couldn't bring myself to ride my bike home that night, and I'd go to the hotel. And I'd often go to the hotel if 'they' suggested it, too. It was hard to resist that impulse, because going to the hotel really is much easier and more comfortable than going home to my tent at night.

So, now I got in the habit of going to the hotel, and I now go there a couple times a month, although not as often as I was during the late winter. It's still less money than paying rent. I try as hard as I can not to go. I was even taking my money out of my bank account and out of my wallet and hiding it in an inconvenient physical location so that I would not be *able* to go to the hotel even if I wanted to. But I still have been finding ways to go there occasionally.

I asked Rick in an email if I could send money to him.

This serves several purposes. It has some emotional, psychological purposes, as well as practical purposes. I keep quoting Jared Diamond. I really enjoyed that book, 'The World Until Yesterday,' a book about traditional, primitive societies. In that book he talked about how traditional societies resolve conflicts without the 'help' of a large, powerful government and its laws and police officers. They do, actually, fight wars against other groups, and they also do have individuals who murder people or fight with people. But they also resolve conflicts other ways.

One way that they resolve conflicts is by giving 'sorry money' to someone who has been injured in some way. You give someone gifts to symbolically make up for it, even though the amount of the gifts can never possibly compensate for the wrong that was done, such as an accidental death. He described an incident where someone hit a child with a car by accident – this was in one of the societies that had some modern aspects, like a few cars, but was still mostly governing itself and resolving its own issues without using the official state government. The person who hit the child with the car gave gifts to the parents and made an emotional speech in front of a group of people, expressing how terrible he felt and how badly he wished he could undo the harm that was done.

I always wanted to resolve my conflict with Rick by doing something like this. In 2011 I went crazy and sent an email to his then-wife (now ex-wife, and I don't know why they were divorced), and I harassed him in other ways, online. All this time I wanted to make up for it, but the only thing I could do was try to fix the problem, just continue to do what I was doing to help myself stop having uncontrollable attacks of mania.

Now that I actually have succeeded in reducing the mania so it's not horribly uncontrollable anymore, I'm able to apologize at the emotional level. I don't like to apologize BEFORE fixing the problem. I can't apologize until AFTER I've taken some kind of action to fix the cause of the problem. An apology feels like empty words. Plus, I am not really responsible for doing things that the voices in my head trick me into doing or force me to do. I still, to this day, do not accept 'responsibility' for what happened, and I still say that I was forced against my will to do it. So that is another reason why I did not want to merely apologize for it – I'm not the one who did it. The attacks were done by crazy, evil people who violate my brain and have no respect for free will or human bodies.

However, I'm aware that few people believe my explanation for what happened. The only people who would really believe it are people who are themselves victims of harassment with electronic weapons, people who know how it feels to be forced against their will to do things and say things, often crazy and harmful things, that the attackers force them to do.

But I have always focused on fixing those things that I had control over, and electronic attack victims do have some control over some things. They can make themselves more vulnerable and more suggestible by taking drugs that lower their resistance to impulses, or drugs that distort their emotions, perceptions, and sensations so that they feel no fear and no pain and no empathy anymore. Those are the shooters who go out in a public place and kill a bunch of innocent strangers and then shoot themselves. I am not one of those people, and I am no longer a drug user.

Electronic attack victims can somewhat control their own suggestibility and their moods, making themselves less vulnerable to doing every little stupid crazy harmful thing that the voices tell them to do, if they quit using all drugs. And in my case, I had to get rid of the drug residues as well. I believe drug residues are much more common and cause many more problems than most people know about.

An electronic attack victim does have some small amount of control over themselves even in spite of being attacked and forced. I 'agreed' to write the ridiculous comment because I evaluated it as being mostly true, or true in spirit. I really do want to have sex with Rick, I just don't normally talk about it or focus on that aspect of our relationship. It's something I just do privately and don't make a big fuss over.

I also 'agreed' to write the comment because I am starting to trust Rick, just a little bit. I trust that he won't completely reject me forever just because I am unstable and not completely in control of myself. He has tolerated me all this time.

I had written an email asking Rick if I could give money to him. It was not merely 'sorry money' to apologize for what I had done. I had another reason. I wanted to give him enough money that either he or I could buy a plane ticket to visit the other person. I thought that he would be less likely to waste the money on hotels the way I was doing, since he earns a good enough income by himself, although I've wondered if he's really doing okay living in Georgia now, because Ukraine started enforcing stricter rules for expats living in the country, and he decided to leave and go someplace where it was easier to stay for long periods of time.

I don't know if he's making as much money in Georgia as he did in Ukraine. I only suspect that he's probably doing okay, and that he doesn't need my money donations to pay the rent this very instant. I suspect that he will probably just keep the money sitting around someplace after I give it to him, although I've told him that he can use it if he wants to. It's up to him. When I give it to him, I trust him with it, and he will either keep it or spend it, and I relinquish control over it. I am willing to take the risk that he might do anything at all with the money that I give to him, which means I might lose the money forever. I'm not going to be all shocked about it if I find out that I can't ever get the money back.

Here is how I sent the money to Rick. I got a PayPal account for the first time, and I'm still learning how to use it. I used a link on one of his web pages. If you get a PayPal account, you have to remember to activate the account by clicking on the link in the email they send you – I almost forgot to do that, and it wouldn't have worked if I hadn't.

He offers help for people who are looking for jobs in Ukraine and the surrounding regions. http://tryukraine.com/work/teachers.shtml. I get the impression that he doesn’t merely go up to some people and hand them an envelope with your resume in it, but rather, he is more like an advocate for you and a personal reference to vouch for you. That’s just my impression of what he does. He helps you communicate with your prospective employers.

So… I just clicked on one of the PayPal links. Afterwards, he refused the money and sent it back to me. PayPal automatically deducts a fee for anyone who receives money, so it was some number that was slightly less, but that’s how PayPal works, and I need to include that in my calculations. I’m not sure exactly how it calculates the fee and need to find out. But, I sent the money again, and I am going to keep sending more of it. I explained to him my reasons why I was doing this.

Even though he seems like he’s being really mean and rejecting me, he really does do some things that suggest to me that there is more than just meanness and rejection and hate. I don’t think he actually hates me and despises me as much as he seems to. Granted, I will still be rather cautious and insecure when I do meet him for real, and I will be guarded and distrusting for a while. But I expect that he and I can get used to each other slowly, and that, at the very least, we might be able to reconcile enough that it won’t seem like pure hate anymore.

I’m not able to just push a magic button and instantly forget about him forever and move on with my life. There are some reasons why. It’s true, I am being bombarded constantly by voices in my head, and I am not entirely in control of everything that I do or everything that I think and feel. But in order for me to keep obeying those impulses, I have to agree with them at least partially at some level. It’s difficult to force someone to do something that they totally, absolutely, completely don’t want to do and are actively fighting against, for long periods of time, months and years. When they fight against you, they mess things up, they sabotage whatever you’re trying to accomplish, in whatever small ways they can. They cause wasteful friction. I’ve never tried using electronic weapons to control someone, I only know this from my own interactions with the attackers. If they try too hard to force me to do unnatural things, I just run out of energy and get tired and exhausted, and just can’t move. I can only do things that are easy, natural, and ‘inexpensive.’

But if you take a whole bunch of different antidepressants, stimulants, anti-anxiety drugs, and sleeping pills so you can get a little bit of fake sleep every night after all that, then yes, you can do almost anything, and you can also be forced to do things you wouldn’t normally ever want to do or choose to do on your own. People think this is a good thing, and it’s the reason why people voluntarily use drugs. You want to force yourself to go to work every day at a job you hate, but you can’t get out of bed in the morning, because you’re physically sick and tired and you just can’t fake the cheerfulness. So you take some pills, and boom, magically you are able to get out of bed, go to the job you hate, and act nice and cheerful and fake happy all day long. Forcing yourself to do unnatural things that you hate doing and that violate your nature and harm your physical health is the whole reason why people want to use drugs. But that also makes you vulnerable to being controlled by attackers, at the same time.

I am much less drugged than I was in the past. When I get ‘suggestions,’ I’m calm enough and rational enough to consider whether they are good for me or bad for me. Again, I don’t have complete control. But even while I am mostly calm and less manic, I still believe that some good can be gained by meeting Rick and directing my energies towards him.

It’s still coming from a suggestion. In the real world, if I were not being controlled at all, I would be easily able to just suppress and deny my feelings. I would have probably never done the google searches that led me to his web pages, because I just wasn’t interested in socionics and didn’t have the urge to go read about it on my own. And I might not have written all the comments that I was writing to him at the time, or the emails that I sent to him, if I hadn’t been manic and controlled. If I had seen those web pages in the real world, in the free world, without drugs and mind control, I might have talked online to Rick, but in a much more reserved way. Even if Rick himself had suggested to me that we should be friends and that I should fly across the ocean to go meet him in a foreign country, I could have just brushed off the suggestion and gone back to my normal life, and forgotten about it a few minutes later, by simply focusing on the objects and people close to me in the physical world, and my physical needs and goals and daily routines. It’s easy to just brush off something that is difficult and expensive to do, that requires a focused effort invested over a long period of time.

So in that sense, I’m still doing this because it’s a suggestion that I can’t avoid hearing every day. I simply *can’t* just live my life and focus on the objects and people I see around me in the physical world, because I live in a different world, where a blast of noise is constantly, nonstop, going through my skull, with messages that I can hear consciously, and secret messages that I cannot hear or understand, constantly, and it is unavoidable and inescapable. I hate this and I believe it is wrong, even though I might sometimes ‘gain benefits’ or be ‘helped’ by their suggestions. I will never say that this is right or good. That would be valuing the ends over the means. Oh, sure, I gained some benefits here and there, but the methods that they used were evil. I would prefer to live in a world where people did not use those methods, even if the ‘cost’ was that I would sometimes just stagnate and do nothing and fail, or that I would be ignorant or closed-minded or resistant to taking opportunities or unable to motivate myself. I believe they should use a totally different means to accomplish their goals.

How would someone feel if you told them that yes, you did kind of feel attracted to them, and you might kind of be in love with them for real, but mostly, it was all this big staged event that you were being forced to do? That would be very insulting. It’s like saying, ‘I don’t want to give you a thank-you note for your Christmas gift, but my mom is making me do it, so here it is.’ Yes, I used to be required to send thank-you notes to my relatives for the Christmas cards, gifts, and money that they sent me every year, even if I didn’t like the gifts. Oh my god, itchy wool sweaters! I didn’t know the virtues of wool when I was young, but I do now as an adult, and I’d probably appreciate wool sweaters nowadays much more than I did back then! You can read online about the virtues and benefits of wool – I don’t remember them all – I like the idea of using natural fibers, and wool supposedly still keeps you warm even if it gets wet. But back then, ugh, itchy wool sweaters for Christmas! No!

This is more than just an insincere thank-you note for a sweater I didn’t like. This is more like, being anxious and distrusting, not knowing whether Rick can accept and tolerate me with all of my weaknesses and vulnerabilities, whether he can tolerate the fact that I’m being attacked and controlled, the fact that I am a financial failure with chronic fatigue and other health problems. Yes, my feelings for Rick are real, and it hurts for real when he rejects me.

I will attempt again in the future to continue the process of sending money to Rick. Someone is nudging me on and encouraging me, in effect continually telling me, ‘You can do it!’, and I’m doing it. The money is his, and I relinquish it completely. It may, or may not, eventually be used for a plane ticket, or it may be used for anything at all that Rick chooses. I accept this. I have given money to men that I loved in the past, and I felt rewarded for doing so. I described how it is somehow both painful and rewarding, in my blog the other day. It is not a 100% pleasant happy feeling, but it is not a 100% bad feeling either, and it’s very hard to describe it without making it sound masochistic, but it really is a strange mixture of both pain and pleasure.

I will see what happens, see how this develops, see how it makes me feel. If it goes wrong or feels wrong at any time, I am able to stop and direct my money and my energy elsewhere. I am not being ‘forced’ to send the money to him in such a way as to feel out of control. I do it willingly. It may seem strange to outsiders.

But hey, your pennies make a difference! Go click the PayPal link and donate to Rick! He won’t know who the heck you are, so you might want to send him an email at the address he listed on that page. Tell him you’re donating to Buying Rick DeLong, on behalf of Nicole Binns.

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The Rick DeLong Porn Project isn’t finished yet (not really porn, just ordinary photos)

September 27, 2013

I’m a little worried that WordPress won’t like anything that has the word ‘porn’ in the title field.

10:36 PM 9/27/2013

I’m not yet finished with this project, but this is a blog about the project. It’s the Rick DeLong Porn Project. Rick sarcastically told me that I should make a page called ‘Rick DeLong Porn.’ I have a hard time telling the difference between his sarcasm and his seriousness. I assume he’s being sarcastic. But I’m sort of doing the project anyway.

It’s not actually porn, it’s a collection of his photos. The goal of the project is to convince him that I actually do find him physically attractive, because I often get the impression from things he says that he isn’t sure whether he himself is attractive, which is one reason why he has to constantly insult me when I talk to him.

I normally don’t talk openly to a person about the things that I find physically attractive or unattractive about them, because that can be very hurtful and unproductive. I love long hair and long beards on men, but nobody ever grows them even when I ask them to, so yeah, it is true that this one particular thing disappoints me about Rick. He does have a beard, just not a long one, and he has short hair. Men usually have reasons why they don’t grow their hair long, usually because they are working at a job and feel like they have to fit in. So I try to be understanding about this even though I’m not happy about it.

But other than that, there are many things that I do find attractive about Rick, and I was going to illustrate them with the photos. I often am attracted to ectomorphs, skinny guys who don’t have huge muscles, and I don’t know why. I’ve always felt that way. I don’t find hugely muscular men attractive, I find them repulsive. But I like slender, wiry muscles on skinny guys. So Rick’s body is attractive to me.

It’s usually more productive to focus on things that you have control over, which is why I always emphasize long hair, because it’s one of the only things that you can control about your physical appearance. I might notice clothing, but I’m not consciously aware of it, and I don’t go around advising people to wear a particular kind of clothing or avoid some other kind of clothing, although I instantly dislike someone (people I don’t know yet) if I see them wearing clothes that have big slogans on them, like football team symbols or advertising slogans. But Rick has a hat with the name of an ultralight hiking gear company and I don’t mind that.

I normally just try to get used to the way someone looks. When you’re with someone for a long time, years and years, when you’re close to them in a physical relationship, you get used to seeing the same face over and over again. After a while, it’s just a normal face, no longer thrilling and beautiful and amazing, and I’m aware of this and I don’t mind it. I know that happens when you get used to someone, and there is no harm in it.

The pictures show Rick from many different angles, different parts of his body, for instance, some pictures just show a hand holding an object. Most of his pictures are hiking related pictures where he demonstrates homemade ultralight hiking equipment or photographs himself while he is out on a hike. I included any pictures that had a part of him in it even if it’s just a hand or a foot and nothing else. He has some photos demonstrating ultralight shoes that he tested, and I even included photos like that even if they didn’t show any other part of him.

When I’m in a relationship with someone, I love every part of their body. I love Rick’s beautiful hands and feet. He has unusually long fingers and toes. His arms and legs move gracefully. If I were with him I would kiss his hands and his bare feet.

Even photos that probably weren’t meant to be erotic seem erotic to me, sometimes enough that I feel embarrassed to look at them. He photographed himself testing homemade rain gear and the picture showed his waist and hips, and the design of the pants legs draws attention to his groin, so I always sort of quickly skim over that one.

He also has unusually beautiful eyes, at least I think so. I couldn’t tell what color they were, but I think he said someplace that they were green. The pictures don’t get close enough to see. His eyes were the first thing I noticed about him when I first saw his photo years ago. My first thought was that he looked like he was too good for me, that he would never be interested in someone like me. In some of the pictures, his eyes look sad and lonely, during the time period when he was getting divorced from his wife.

Rick has pectus carinatum, a deformity of the chest, but I can’t really see it in any of his photos. I don’t know if he had it surgically altered, or whether it was just so minor that it was unnoticeable to begin with. Either way, it doesn’t matter to me, I can’t see it. His chest looks fine. I usually pay more attention to the hair on his chest because I like that. I love men’s body hair and I always have to touch it.

I know that if I were close to him I’d be attracted to him and would want to touch him. He says that he wouldn’t be attracted to me, but I’m not sure why. Many other men have been attracted to me in the past, although not all of them. There has to be some kind of emotional chemistry, and maybe we wouldn’t have that. I still hope that I will get to meet him so that I can find out.

But I’m not done with the project yet. I’ve collected many photos but not all of them. I haven’t decided how I’ll do it yet. I’m writing about it now before it’s done, just to let him know how I feel about him. I wanted to say things that were positive rather than negative.

I’m not looking at his photos and thinking negative things about the way he looks. My only negative reaction to the photos is that I often feel like the person in the photo hates me. However, after collecting all these photos together, and looking at them several times, and talking to Rick several times over the past few weeks, I no longer feel like the person in the photo really hates me. I think he feels something more like despair or futility. He wouldn’t hate me if he knew me in person, but he thinks it’s futile to think about me at all, because he thinks I will probably never meet him in real life.

The photos are not really porn, not even softcore porn, but they are erotic to someone who feels the way that I feel about him. Just the sight of one hand or his bare back when his shirt is off is erotic to me.

Maybe if we met each other, we would instantly dislike each other. I can imagine it. Both of us would be moody, unhappy, miserable people who hated each other right away. He would hate me, and I would hate him. I imagine that it wouldn’t necessarily stay that way forever. We could get used to each other.

Why have I always wanted to pay for a man? And how can I contribute to a family, considering all of my other needs and weaknesses nowadays?

September 26, 2013

1:40 PM 9/26/2013

I was going to write a blog, but I noticed that the time is passing faster than I thought, so I might not finish this now. I wanted to talk about how, in the past, I always wanted to pay for the man I was dating, but how that has become more difficult now that I have more restrictions on my life.

Unfortunately, I’m being distracted by someone’s baby crying in the McDonald’s playplace right now. He’s trying to comfort the baby by making soothing noises, but the reason their baby is crying is because they are not raising it properly. That’s relevant, though.

Babies need to be constantly carried and physically held. You don’t set them down in a crib and leave them there. You don’t put them in a stroller and push them. You don’t leave them in a crib or a bed in a separate room and then go sleep in your own room.

Babies also need to eat foods that are safe for people to eat. However, our culture gives them a lot of foods that cause them to have painful gas, constipation, vomiting, and other digestive problems. This is one reason why some babies cry a lot, and others don’t.

I don’t know anything about these people. I can’t even see them. They’re around the corner from me. I only heard the baby crying for a few minutes while the man tried to comfort it by making silly noises. Their failure to understand what was making the baby cry, or how to successfully make it stop crying, tells me everything I need to know. Without knowing anything about them, I can guess a few things. They might be bottle-feeding their baby infant formula bought in the store, and baby foods out of a jar bought in the grocery store. They probably push it in a stroller, make it sleep in its own separate crib, and give it a pacifier to suck on.

I’ve talked about special diets and food sensitivities before. Many parents are unaware that ordinary foods like wheat or cow’s milk or soy can cause severe health problems for their babies. Many don’t know that vaccinations cause severe reactions such as high fevers, or lifelong neurological disabilities like narcolepsy (suddenly falling asleep for no reason). Many don’t know that there is no legitimate reason to circumcise a baby. They give birth via Cesarean section, in a hospital, with lots of drugs to blank out the pain, and other drugs to force the body to push the baby out after the muscles are so drugged and so limp that they refuse to push anymore, while the mother lies on her back in an unnatural position so that gravity can’t help the baby fall out naturally and easily, but instead must be pulled out by a doctor.

There are many, many things parents don’t know about that can harm their children. I myself was harmed by some of these things. I have the Weston Price deformities. I’m not absolutely certain what caused them. It could be a combination of prenatal exposure to some toxic chemicals, combined with my mother’s malnourishing diet. My mom tells me that she was so sick while she was pregnant with me, all she ate was Pop-Tarts and Coca-Cola. No joke. That’s probably most of what she was able to eat. So, no wonder my body wasn’t able to develop very well, although I still did remarkably well in spite of that. I think that some of the worst deformities happen in people with lead poisoning or heavy metal poisoning, often from canned foods or lead paint in their houses or heavy metals from other sources.

I’m 39 years old. I struggled and suffered through many things, always trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and I did actually figure out a lot of things. I always focused on those things that I had control over. I learned about nutrition and toxic chemicals and drugs and pesticides and environmental illness, and how all those things made my life harder in the past and contributed to my failures and disasters. I learned that my dental fillings were toxic, and my braces and retainer probably were too. I learned about unnecessary surgeries and how harmful they are, such as circumcision or tooth removals. Those are some of the most common unnecessary surgeries, and they are totally preventable.

I learned enough about many different things, and in my mind, I was always thinking that even if I could not go back in time and prevent the injuries from happening to me, I could at least prevent them from happening to my own children and the next generation. I can only control some things. I can’t turn back time and go back to school and do all my homework and not drop out. I can’t go back to my house in West Virginia and tell my parents that all their flea sprays, flea powders, roach sprays, paint fumes, and other household chemicals were poisoning me and causing me to suffer from chronic fatigue and environmental illness, all my life, when I was a child and a teenager. But I can prevent those things from happening to my own children.

I was sort of a feminist when I was younger. Then I read Warren Farrell’s books, and learned about masculism, a focus on men’s needs and men’s rights.

I always wanted to pay for a man, rather than letting a man pay for me. This is partly because I usually don’t like the gifts that I receive. I started becoming anti-gift when I was in my late teens. I started to feel that I didn’t want to receive any more gifts, any more birthday gifts, any more Christmas gifts, nothing. I didn’t like getting gifts from my boyfriends. I questioned the entire purpose of gift-giving in a world where I was earning my own money and could buy anything that I really needed, within reasonable limits. People were buying me gifts that I could easily go out and buy myself. Sometimes an insightful gift suggests something that you didn’t know about yourself, something you didn’t know you would like, but someone else guessed that you would like this. But most gifts are just a material object that I already knew I wanted from the store.

I also stopped liking holidays, although I recently became interested in pagan holidays, because now that I’ve been outdoors all year long, I’ve observed the seasons, the weather, the fruits ripening on the trees, the leaves falling, the warmth and the cold, the moon and the sun and the rain and the snow, everything in the world, and the pagan holidays came from a more primitive time when everyone was outdoors, and all the holidays had to do with feasting on whatever fruits and meats were available during that season, or celebrating the lengthening of the days on the winter solstice. They’re not Christian holidays, and I’m not Christian, and I’m not interested in holidays that have to do with the Christian religions.

I tried to pay for my boyfriends in the past. Sometimes we’d go out to dinner and I’d pay for it. Sometimes I had to argue to make them let me pay for them – they didn’t want to let me. Some of them would let me, sometimes, but then they’d buy me gifts later on. I’d tell them I don’t want gifts, but I’d get gifts anyway. I’d tell them that I wasn’t going to buy them any gifts, because I just hate all gift-giving in general and don’t understand the logic of buying an object in the store that they could just go out and buy themselves. I didn’t appreciate the purely symbolic nature of giving a gift. I appreciate it a bit more after reading Jared Diamond’s recent book, ‘The World Until Yesterday,’ where he talks about primitive, traditional societies giving gifts as a way of building a long-term friendly relationship with someone. But even so, I still don’t like going to the store and buying a gift, or receiving one, nor do I appreciate homemade gifts or arts and crafts, personally made for me, that took a lot of time, but are, unfortunately, useless and impractical. I have an aunt, who I love, but who unfortunately used to give me those kinds of impractical homemade crafts in the past.

Why did I want to pay for the man? Why did it bother me when men kept paying for me, over and over, giving me gifts, always trying to give me more gifts in dollar value than I gave them? Why does it bother me to go dating – I *hate* dating! – and the man ALWAYS pays for the food if we go to a restaurant, and I have to physically and assertively push in front of him to force him to not pay, if we are in line at the register and I want to make him stop. I just gave up. I don’t even try anymore to push in front of them and block them from paying for me. I don’t argue with them anymore. I don’t try to explain to each and every date that I don’t want them to buy me this food. (That’s when I’m dating. I haven’t attempted to date in a long time.)

It has something to do with wanting to be respected, wanting to be seen as financially strong. It’s a desire to make a sacrifice for someone you love. It’s a need to care for someone the way you care for your children. Giving to your children is not necessarily an enjoyable thing. It is actually a difficult sacrifice. I don’t have the words to describe it, but the pleasure of giving to your children is almost masochistic. I don’t want to describe it that way because I want to portray it as a healthy, good thing instead. It is painful to sacrifice for your children, to give to them, to take care of them and provide for them. And yet it is not just pain, it is a strong, rewarding, positive feeling somehow. It is a feeling of duty and an awareness that your life is more restricted because of these children, but also more fulfilling because of them.

I’ve had boyfriends who allowed me to give a lot to them – one man had severe health problems, and he allowed me to drive him around in my car when he could no longer drive, and I bought some groceries for him when he and his wife were both unemployed – I was seeing him while he was married (he’s still married, and she knows about me – long story). I was paying for him in a lot of ways, giving to him, and it was both painful and rewarding in that same way, taking care of another person. I’m not with him anymore, but it was an experience that I learned a lot from. We’re still friends – he called me on the phone the other day and we talked for a long time. He’s doing as well as can be expected, but there’s nothing I can really do to make him get better – he has diabetes, kidney failure, and malnutrition caused by an extremely restricted diet, and the doctors aren’t helping with his nutrition enough, so he’s developing other health problems like chronic sores on his feet. He’s also on too many toxic drugs. But I was with him for a long time, helping in whatever ways I could, and somehow it felt both painful and good at the same time.

The idea of giving to my boyfriends got more complicated in recent years, because I need to have children. It’s not easy to raise children the way I want to raise them, while also working at a job and earning a lot of money. Most jobs don’t let you carry the child on your hip, literally constantly, all the time, never setting it down for even a second, and nursing it every couple minutes on your breast. This is incompatible with most jobs, and yet I believe it is absolutely essential for childrearing. I don’t want to compromise on this.

So it’s harder to imagine how I would be able to give to my boyfriend or husband in the future, when I would be in a position of need, needing to be supported while I supported the baby. I’ve had to start thinking about more traditional financial relationships with my boyfriends, whether I like it or not.

I don’t like feeling vulnerable and controlled. If a man is paying for me, then he can rightfully demand things that I don’t want to do. He can get angry, and he has the right to get angry. He can be resentful about having to pay for me and the children while I stay at home (but I’m still very, very interested in learning to hunt and gather, no joke, and I would also happily do farm work, in addition to doing some kind of home business to earn money). I still want to find ways that I can provide for us economically, but yet, I am in a more vulnerable and needy position than I ever was before. My life has been disastrous, and I still can’t save any money. And the urgency of having children is stronger than ever. I want to contribute as much as I can, but yet, I just can’t do very much at this point. I have to ask my future husband to somehow take it on faith, not knowing me, that I will somehow contribute to the family, to our money, to our food and our material needs, while taking care of the children, even though right now I’m about as weak and helpless as it’s possible for me to be. ‘Uphill battle’ is an understatement, describing my entire life and all the obstacles that I am against. More like being dragged down into a whirlpool and trying to swim out. (I was just reading an article about how whirlpools are similar to black holes.)

I’ll go ahead and post this because I need to start getting ready for work.

Yayyy! Thanks for the update, Google Chrome! Now I have to scroll down to see my commonly visited pages, which were easily accessible before the update! Way to go!

September 25, 2013

I hate automatic updates, and I usually try to turn them off, but I can’t control anything in Google Chrome – it’s too hard to find the settings. I really hate Chrome, actually. I only use it because I have a couple things disabled in the Opera browser, which I prefer, so that I don’t have to see Flash animations and some other garbage. WordPress has become so full of garbage and so heavy and hard to run that I have to open it with Chrome now – for some reason, it just doesn’t work in Opera anymore.

I’ve been looking up information about tools and hardware. I can see that this is potentially extremely expensive. People can go tens of thousands of dollars in debt buying these tools on their credit cards, I imagine, and I’m glad I never did that.

When I look at an incomprehensible pile of hardware, I feel like an oppressed woman

September 24, 2013

6:18 PM 9/24/2013

I opened up the box containing the bike motor. The box was, thankfully, smaller than I had expected. I was afraid it would be about as tall as I was. I don’t know why I was imagining it to be so huge. It’s maybe two and a half feet long, and I was able to easily put it on my bike and wheelbarrow it down the street. I rode the bus home – I didn’t try riding my bike while holding this package. It’s heavy. There were loose parts jangling around inside.

I opened it up and opened up the inner boxes. There were a few loose parts for some reason, and three more small closed boxes with big objects in them, and one box had a whole bunch of small stuff like screws in plastic bags.

I feel like a woman. It’s very frustrating. I really feel oppressed at times like these. I should have been directed into vocational school at a young age and I should have been taught all about using hardware and tools, decades ago. There was some blog where they had a word for this, and I forget the word, but it meant ‘ignorant about the use of tools,’ or something. It was on a link on a page that Rick linked to in the16types forum. The page had a big list of blogs on one side. That’s also where I found the Low Tech Magazine. The page had to do with energy and Peak Oil and other things. One of the blogs linked on that page mentioned this term and talked about how it feels to grow up being clueless about hardware and tools.

I know I’m perfectly capable of doing this, I just need encouragement. And it would really help to be encouraged by a woman, not a man. There is something different about being taught by a woman how to use tools. The men who teach these things tend to talk down to a woman as though she’s stupid, and they’re threatened by a smart woman who is perfectly capable of learning how to use tools and hardware. I want to talk to a woman who already understands how it feels to be a woman in a society where they discourage, or merely fail to encourage, women to learn how to use tools.

So I have these boxes filled with millions of little tiny pieces that I don’t know the names of, and an instruction book that my coworker said was awful, and it is awful. It just jumps right into things as though you already know all of it. They make no effort to get into their readers’ minds and see things from their point of view, knowing what they know or don’t know yet.

For example, in the instruction book, here is “Step 1”: “There are two rear sprocket rubber packers.” (Huh? Where? In what box? What is a ‘packer?’ I sort of know vaguely what a sprocket is, maybe.) “Cut one of them and only one.” (Cut how? In what way? In what direction? Should I cut a string of snowflakes and paper dolls, or just a line across it? Do I cut all the way through, or partway through? One and only one? This sounds dangerous and irreversible. If I make a mistake, what will happen?) “Cut only between the drilled holes.” (You mean, I cut a small line between two holes? What do you mean, “THE” drilled holes? ALL OF the drilled holes, or ONLY TWO of the drilled holes? Could you show me a photo of what it looks like?)

“Step 2: Place the cut one inside of the spokes.” (It shows a photo, but you can’t see where or how it’s cut. It shows a hand holding a pair of scissors that looks like it’s about to cut across one side of a ring-shaped packer, but hasn’t cut it yet. What is the purpose of the cut? To get it between the spokes?)

I’m going to have to actually sit there and try to do these things while reading the instructions. The reason why this is difficult is because I don’t really have a good sheltered place to do it. My bike won’t fit in my tent, and I don’t want to put it in there. It might, actually, but I don’t want to risk contamination. My tent is slanted downhill, not flat, and it’s hard to set a bike there anyway. I’ll have to sit outdoors down at the place where I park my bike, which means the temperature will have to be above freezing. It’s the end of September. I’ve asked for a reduced work schedule so that I can have more willpower to do home projects like this, but that hasn’t started yet. I could bring the bike up into the woods next to my tent. I’ll probably do that. I’ll be able to go back inside the tent when I want to. I have a plastic cover that I’ll put over the bike if it has anything attached to it that shouldn’t get wet.

Oh – I have a bag of apples which is now nearly empty. I don’t really mind. I collected some apples from a tree in the neighbors’ yard and kept them in a garbage bag. I wasn’t really intent on eating them, but was instead vaguely thinking of using them to attract animals. Every night, I’ve been forced awake by the mind controllers, and I don’t think that the small, quiet noises made by the animals would have woken me up, so I know I was forced awake. Something small has been getting into the bags every night and taking the apples. It could be a skunk, porcupine, raccoon (I’ve never seen any raccoons on Mt. Nittany though), or possum. I can’t think of anything else it would be. Mice and rodents would probably be too small to steal whole apples. Most of my apples are gone. I can hear the animals rustling around out there and crackling the garbage bag in the middle of the night. I stay still and I don’t shine out the flashlight to see what it is. I don’t want to startle it too much if it’s a skunk. I’ve seen a porcupine on the path several times recently, so it could be that as well.

A skunk ‘went off’ several weeks ago near my tent. It wasn’t my fault. I don’t know what happened. I never heard any noises, any sound of a struggle, any screaming. It was silent, and it was in the middle of the night, and all of a sudden I started gradually becoming aware that skunk smell was coming into my tent. It was horrible. I was so sickened by the smell that I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to stay in the tent. However, I waited for just a little while, and it gradually faded, and I was able to stay there.

I can’t wait till I’m writing music again. My music projects were never finished. Having free time to write music – that’s in my future. My music will be the most awesome music in the world, and it is utterly unique. People are going to absolutely love it. I’m going to spend huge amounts of time writing music. That came out of nowhere. It had something to do with the feeling I felt when I heard a particular dance song come on the overhead radio just now. It’s not a very great song, but it triggered my musical feelings anyway. If it were safe for me to take drugs, I could write more music while using St. John’s Wort. I would need to be protected while doing this, because the insane murdering moronic sociopaths hate good music, and they torture me when I’m writing music, more than anything else on earth – that is the activity that causes them to torture me the most. They hate good music. They hate anything that reminds human beings that they have souls. They want the whole world to hear nothing but stupid music and soulless music. I swear to you, they control all of the media and they deliberately produce nothing but horrible music for the purpose of destroying all souls and suppressing all human beings and making them all hopeless and dead. Horrible music is everywhere and unavoidable. It permeates everything.

I can’t get Rick to communicate with me. He’s too stupid. He doesn’t understand that I’m capable of having a conversation with him to solve a problem, and that if he discusses these things openly and honestly with me, I’ll be able to redirect my energy elsewhere away from him. He just wants to freak out and get all upset and evasive and insulting. And ‘they’ keep on persistently deluding me into believing that he loves me, he’s waiting for me, he doesn’t want me to have other boyfriends, and he doesn’t want me to find a husband and have children with anybody else but him. I don’t have these delusional beliefs about anybody I know in the real world, only about someone who persistently lies to me and avoids honest communication and gets totally upset and freaks out when I talk about leaving him.

I’m going to read and reread these instructions and try to find all the parts that they’re talking about. I just couldn’t do it because I was hungry and I don’t have any food in the tent.

That’s one thing I’m hoping that a motorized bike will help me do. If I have a motorized bike, then I can carry huge, heavy bags of ice up the mountain every day to fill a cooler. Those ice bags are so heavy and so hard to carry that I would exhaust myself trying to push the bike up Mt. Nittany Road with the bags of ice on the bike. I’ve done that just once or twice. If I can just drive up the road with the heavy bags of ice, then I only have to carry them up the path, which is, actually, still very hard, but less hard than carrying them all the way up the entire road. I’d have to do it every day. I need a process of drying meat and storing it without refrigeration. I’d love to have solar energy and batteries. I don’t know how much energy and batteries would be needed to constantly power a refrigerator that was always on. I’ve imagined that I would climb up a tree and install my solar panels at the top of a tree.

If I can keep food on the mountain, I won’t have to go down the mountain to eat every day. Then I’ll be able to do projects while I’m up there, because I won’t be constantly starving. I also won’t go to the wifi all the time. I’ve wanted to have a way of storing food all this time. It would have made a huge difference. It would have affected my whole life and my whole way of doing things all this time, if only I had been able to store food up on the mountain. I can keep fruits, kind of, as long as I protect them against animals. I don’t want a bear to rip open or knock down a structure where I’m storing my fruits. I’d have to build fences or other things to guard it. But fresh fruits are not the only thing I want to keep. I need meats and fats. Those are the most necessary for me, and also the hardest to store. Meat and fat is the reason why I go down the mountain every day. I *hate* Slim Jims, but they’re the only way I can eat meats and fat in my tent. Other dried meat has no fat at all.

It is extremely damaging to my self-esteem to send emails to Rick, but I’m going to be doing it again. He’s too stupid to communicate directly with me. I tried asking him nicely, and he’s too stupid to do it. He is totally incapable of understanding anything. I can’t keep writing comments on his blog. He isn’t able to filter them out, because Blogger’s spam filter doesn’t work – you can’t control it yourself. It’s controlled by a faraway system, and all you can do is tell them that a particular comment is spam, after the fact. You can’t tell it to automatically delete every comment from a particular email. If he could do that, then I would be forced to create a new email address every time I wrote a comment to him (that’s assuming I want to subscribe and receive replies at a working email address, rather than creating a fake email address that doesn’t work). You can’t tell it to automatically delete comments coming from a particular IP address. It’s useless. So, he has to receive comments from me that I put on his blog.

I do that whenever I really want to communicate with him about something important. I’ve been trying to tell him that I’ve reduced my contamination and my manic moods are less severe, less prolonged, less frequent, and more easily fixed than they were in the past. He’s too stupid to believe me, and still refuses to communicate about anything, and ‘they’ just want to keep brainwashing me constantly with this delusional belief that he actually loves me and wants me to be with him. If I talked to him for real, I’d be able to tell that he doesn’t love me, that he despises me as much as he says he does, etc. I’d be able to hear it in his voice. But he doesn’t want to reveal his real feelings to me, which only *encourages* me to believe that he’s HIDING SOMETHING. Hiding and lying DOES NOT HELP! I tried to communicate with him, tried to get him to have a real conversation with me so that I could understand the truth, but he totally freaks out whenever I even mention trying to get to the truth and trying to get rid of my delusional beliefs. Again, that behavior just encourages me to keep on believing, and it is not helpful.

I tried to tell him that he’s not *necessarily* going to lose me as a result of communicating and being truthful. He seems to think that I’ll be ‘disappointed’ (that’s the word he used a long time ago – he said that if I met him in real life I would be ‘disappointed’ and I wouldn’t like him anymore!) if I actually talk to him for real and get to know him, and so he absolutely must avoid talking to me for real or revealing anything about himself that could be potentially disappointing. I’ve tried to tell him that I’m just looking for the truth. I need to know what is real. If he actually does reciprocate my feelings, I’m not going to be ‘disappointed’ or have contempt for him and therefore reject him. I just need to know. But I also need to know if his total loathing, hatred, and revulsion is real. I’d be able to hear that in his voice. He’d also need to explain the reason why he feels that way.

I’m not able to control the fact that murdering morons are constantly blasting my brain with delusional bullshit 24 hours a day. I can only say that I don’t have delusional beliefs about people I know in the real world, only about someone who’s lying and evasive and refusing to communicate or discuss anything.

I’m going to have more time off in a few weeks. I need to do projects at home. I need to sleep and quit caffeine, but the murderers won’t let me. They don’t like it when I quit caffeine, because when I do, I tend to be less easily deluded about Rick. Rick may or may not have been sarcastic when he commented that my mania brought us together and made our relationship blossom, because actually, that is true. I would not have done or said any of the things that I did if I had not been manic. And I would not be as easily deluded by the constant bombardment of bullshit lies from the murdering morons blasing my brain all day long with this ‘Rick loves you, Rick is waiting for you, don’t leave him, don’t abandon him’ bullshit. If I could quit caffeine, I would be more focused on reality and the world around me and the things I need to do. I’d have more willpower to do projects that I need to do. The sociopaths know this and they won’t let the victims ever get a minute of sleep, ever, because when people sleep, their brains refresh themselves and develop a stronger will. In order to control someone, you must destroy all of their energy, all of their will, and they’re doing that to me by depriving me of sleep. However, it’s less severe when I’ve completely quit caffeine. If I have four days off every week, I might possibly be able to try to quit caffeine again, but I’ll have to have lots and lots of stored food and water up in the tent beforehand so that I can spend several days sleeping.

I’ve noticed that I have symptoms that are caused by being in the tent for a long time. I’ve been reluctant to admit this, but it’s true. I start to become weak and fatigued. My legs and arms become numb and tingly. I thought it might just be because there’s too much carbon dioxide buildup in the tent, because the air doesn’t circulate well enough. But I don’t think that’s all it is. That’s part of it, but not all of it.

I suspect that the fire retardants in the tent might be poisoning me when I stay in there too long. I think that they vaporize into the air from the tent walls. I don’t need fire retardants, but it’s not possible to buy a tent that isn’t coated with fire retardants. I would have to make my own tent, which would require hours or weeks of focused home project work.

The St. John’s Wort residues actually helped me quit caffeine several times in the past. I’d do nothing but sleep. SJW residues make me sleep for hours and hours all day long (hypersomnia), and I just never quit sleeping. Several days will go by, like three days or so, where I do nothing but sleep in the tent all day and all night, and that gets me through most of the caffeine withdrawal. Ironically, now that I have fewer SJW residues on me, it’s harder for me to stay in bed for three days withdrawing from caffeine. The murderers zap me awake and I actually feel energized enough to really get out of bed and go down the mountain, whereas if I were under the influence of SJW, I’d be too tired and sleepy to get up, and would gladly stay in bed for several days and do nothing but sleep. It might be easier to do that in the winter, though.

But I need to have four days off, at least, to quit caffeine. That’s actually not enough. I really need a couple weeks to completely quit caffeine.

There’s always some ‘excuse’ for why I need more caffeine again – oh, I have to get this or that project done, and it absolutely requires caffeine, and it’s so urgent that it absolutely can’t wait another week or two – I have to do this project right this instant and can’t postpone it until after the caffeine withdrawal. This is brainwashing bullshit. It’s not coming from me. ‘They’ just absolutely do not want me to quit caffeine.

Too much caffeine causes psychosis. I have to look this up. Any kind of stimulant drug causes psychosis. To get rid of all my delusional tendencies, I need to quit caffeine. You can google it – caffeine psychosis is real. I absolutely have to quit caffeine in order to reduce my delusional tendencies as much as possible. And Rick is too stupid to communicate openly and honestly with me. I don’t have to leave him, I don’t have to abandon him, and I shouldn’t need drugs to remain delusional enough to keep ‘believing in’ him. If the belief is real, then it will exist without any drugs. I’m able to do that if he really wants me to. Quitting drugs will not necessarily end our relationship, and getting a reality check will not necessarily end it, and talking to the real person instead of a fantasy will not necessary ‘disappoint’ me and cause me to leave him, but he seems to believe that it would. He believes that communicating directly and honestly with me would lead to some kind of absolutely utterly unthinkable horrible consequence that he absolutely must prevent at all costs. It’s the end of the world! Something terrible will happen if he communicates with me. What is it, Rick? What terrible thing would happen if you communicated with me and told me the truth?

I’m about to go pick up the motor; reduced my work schedule

September 23, 2013

12:45 PM 9/23/2013

I’m in town this morning getting ready to go pick up the motor. I don’t know how big of a box it’s going to be, but I probably won’t be carrying it around town with me everywhere I go. I’m drinking some coffee now. I’ve got to quit caffeine before pregnancy, and quitting caffeine depends on several factors that make it much more likely to happen and much easier.

A couple days ago I decided to go ahead and cut back my work schedule again. I made myself available for only three days a week, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, but I’m available all hours on those days, including overnights, without restriction. In the future I have the option of getting a second job and working two jobs on those three days, perhaps, or doing some other arrangement.

I did that because my winter fatigue is starting up. I’ve heard all about Seasonal Affective Disorder and Seasonal Depression and Vitamin D Deficiency and circadian rhythms and all that. But I’m ‘treating’ the disorder, for now, by cutting back on the days when I’m working, although I’m still going to try to get a second job after I get this bike motor working. Riding my bike everywhere, and working two jobs, will be too much for me. I have more energy in the summer and can ride around without as much difficulty.

It was this one day when I had just worked till 10 at night one night, then had to ride my bike home, push it up Mt. Nittany Road, climb the path with all my heavy thick clothing on (because now I’m layering again, so I have multiple heavy sweatshirts that greatly increase my weight, either when they are on my body or in my backpack), go to bed, fight against the electronic mind control and the excessive caffeination and the electromagnetic sensitivity and the wifi exposure from using my laptop and the bright lights that I’ve been under for hours and the fact that I’ve just been exercising, and it all combines to make it impossible to fall asleep. I only fall asleep when some mind controller pushes a button to force me to fall asleep, at which point I have some fake dreams that they wrote for me, because they are insane and/or because they are using the dream symbols to communicate with other button-pushing murderers. A short time later, someone pushes a button again, and I am forced awake, usually a very long time before my alarm even goes off, so I sit there lying awake doing nothing but being forced to talk to the voices for a couple more hours before I finally get up again and go to work. I can only estimate how much I really slept, something like an hour and a half, maybe two hours.

So I drank some more coffee, which I had brought home with me the night before. (Wow, an unfamiliar homeless-looking man who I’ve never seen before. Interesting. He came into the laundromat and saw that I was already sitting in one of the most secure locations in the laundromat, back in one particular corner, and he had to go sit somewhere less comfortable and secure. I wish that I could do more to help my fellow sufferers.) Then I went back down the mountain and went to work all over again. I also felt like I was fighting off the regular weekly Norovirus that all the football fans bring with them every time they come to town. I haven’t been vomiting, but I can feel that my body is fighting something off, and I might just get a slightly upset stomach or diarrhea.

I was riding my bike to work that day at 5:00 AM and that was the moment when I decided for sure that I could not do this, and I had to quit. I could not go to bed at 12:30 AM and get no sleep and get up at 4:30 AM the next day and ride my bike to work in the dark and the cold, and stay up for eight more hours of work. I could not keep doing this five days a week. I really, really wanted to call off work, not because I was deathly ill, but merely because I was exhausted, and I felt that that wasn’t a legitimate excuse that they would accept. I don’t want to lose this job. I’ve enjoyed working at McDonald’s, sincerely enjoyed it, more than any other food service job I’ve had. So I want to be careful not to start calling off sick again, the way I did in the past when I didn’t know what was causing all my health problems, and they were totally out of control.

So I wrote on the piece of paper that I was changing my availability. Then I told my manager, a few minutes after he came in. I didn’t want to approach him with bad news the instant he walked in the door, so I let him get settled first. Then I warned him that I had some bad news. He looked tense. I said it wasn’t really, REALLY bad news, just kind of bad. He grabbed the edge of the desk in the office and said in a threatening way, ‘I’ll flip this desk!’ (but the ‘desk’ is a row of cabinets and drawers about fifteen feet long and sealed down to the floor and the wall – he would have to turn into The Incredible Hulk and rip the whole thing out of the wall), and I laughed and said ‘If you really did flip the desk I think I would be scared enough to run away and not to tell you what I was going to tell you,’ or something like that, I forget what I said. Then I told him that I had changed my availability back to three days a week because I was having problems with my winter fatigue again. He would have remembered this from last year, because I’ve done this before. He said okay. I just wanted to make sure he understood, and I’ve gotten the impression in the past that he wants you to talk to him about it if you change your schedule, rather than just throw a piece of paper with a message in the box and let him read it without discussing it.

It instantly made me feel better to know that I had done this. I hate working five days a week. I hate working at all, which is why I’ve spent the past fifteen years or so reading about self-reliance, off-the-grid living, financial independence, The Millionaire Fastlane, passive incomes, bookkeeping, entrepreneurship, and other things that I need to do so that I can stop working.

I just noticed the name, ‘The Incredible Hulk.’ I never noticed that name before. I grew up hearing that name, but never analyzed its pieces. ‘Hulk’ used as a noun? I don’t use that as a noun, I only say ‘hulking,’ if I ever use the word at all. What would some foreign person think if they were learning English and saw the phrase ‘The Incredible Hulk?’ It would just be one of those bizarre oddities that you get used to after a while, but you’d have no idea what it was if you just read the words by themselves.

‘My ELF Weapon’ was carved into the gun that the guy was carrying when he shot a bunch of people, and I don’t know his name or the name of the place, I’ve just been seeing the headlines that someone else shot a bunch of people. Some navy camp or something. It’s all over the news. He was being harassed by people with electronic weapons, and being followed, and I totally believe him. He was also *USING PRESCRIPTION DRUGS*, of course. That was in either Natural News or Infowars, two of my RSS feeds. I think it was Infowars. It was one of the antidepressants that causes homicide and suicide as a side effect.

People who aren’t using drugs at all will still be tortured, harassed, and stalked by the mind controllers, but they don’t react as violently. They still suffer and are still largely incapacitated or ‘less able’ because of it. I am in that group of people. I am partly disabled, unable to sleep, unable to use my mind the way I want to, but still able to drag myself to work every day, but I am nonviolent (except when I am thinking about learning how to hunt and eat animals).

I’m going to pick up the motor, and I think I will bring it back with me on my bicycle, so I’m not really carrying it. I’ll just push the bike and use it as a wheelbarrow. There is a particular place where I think I can safely leave the bike and the box sitting together undisturbed for a while, hopefully, although I might end up just taking it with me someplace and sitting for a while. I’m a little nervous that if I leave a huge box sitting around, someone might call the anti-terrorism police and tell them there’s a suspicious box.

I haven’t decided what else I will do today. I do have a couple goals that need to be accomplished. When I go down the mountain without my netbook, I must be focused on achieving particular goals, specific things, because I am lost without my netbook. Writing blogs (or emails to Rick) takes up a huge amount of my time. I type merely because I enjoy the physical sensation of typing on a keyboard, and not because I really have a lot to say. It’s as enjoyable as playing a video game. I’m actually receiving dictation if the mind controllers are telling me what to say. I’m a typist or data entry person more than a writer. That is probably one of the reasons why they like to use me to send their messages to the world.

But, as I was saying, I get more goals accomplished whenever I don’t have a netbook. My writing is not goal-directed, not yet, although it could be and should be a for-profit activity, and probably will be in the future. I just need a more organized structure to the writing and a plan for where the story will go or a plan for what I’m trying to prove. You can organize information in an educational way so that people learn about it in a specific order with the prerequisites first, or you can do flashbacks, or whatever.

Also, if I am living life, I will have more to write about. Living as a hermit and doing nothing but sitting or sleeping all day does not generate a lot of interesting information and experiences to write about. Chronic fatigue does that. It makes life boring.

I need to finish this soon so I can go to the bathroom and then go pick up the box. I also need to remember what else I have to do. I wrote myself a couple reminders. I need to call Mom, too. It’s best if I call her rather than waiting for her to call me. I want her to know that I love her and I’m thinking about her. She’s getting a bit better after her fall. I’d love to go visit. Maybe with four days off every week, I’ll be able to. But it’s a seventeen-hour bus trip. I’m not sure a motorized bike would make it all the way to Scott Depot, although it theoretically could, I’d just have to know how to fix it. My coworker will be giving me advice. He’s the one who gave me the idea. He has an electric bike now, which he likes much more than his gas motor, but I’m starting with a gas motor because it’s cheaper, and I’ll have the same experiences and learn the same things he did. It’s a learning process.

We both agree with each other: motorized bikes should be much more common than they are. They should be *all over* the place, everywhere. They could be, and should be, hugely popular. This is a business opportunity. They are the perfect solution to almost everything. And depending on which state you live in, you don’t even have to have any kind of license or registration – nothing at all! No paperwork! Selling motorized bikes could be part of the millionaire fastlane. It would be a brand, not a commodity. We’d emphasize quality, durability, friendly helpful tech support, repairs, etc. We’d define our values clearly. Our bikes would be safe and reliable. In order to make it a fastlane business, it would have to be a national or global chain, rather than just one small local bike shop. It would be the Wal-Mart of motorized bikes (except, ehhh, not Wal-Mart). You get the idea. It’s a brand, not just one local shop. People rely on your brand because you provide some kind of values or services that the other brands don’t provide, and they know you by name. Everyone associates Quality X with Brand Y.

Pawpaw pictures on my 39th birthday

September 21, 2013

12:39 PM 9/21/2013

I finally took pictures of the pawpaw tree today.

I had saved dozens of pawpaw seeds from all the ones that I had eaten. I put them outside the tent in a pile because they were still covered with fruit goo and I wanted them to dry off outside instead of keeping them in a bag in the tent where they would be all sticky and rotten. However, last night when I went home, I saw that someone had eaten every single pawpaw seed! They look like brown lima beans. Wikipedia said that some parts of the plant are poisonous, and I think that included the seeds, but some squirrel somewhere doesn’t think so. I know they were eaten, not merely moved or taken, because all the little paper-thin shells were on the ground there. Apparently the squirrel had peeled all the shells off the seeds.

The trees have long leaves that hang downwards in an unusual, recognizable way. It looks almost like a tropical palm tree. My pictures might not really capture this effect very well. It might be easier to notice it if a lot of other trees were in the background so you could see how normal leaves look in comparison. These leaves droop and drape downwards. The leaves are very large and long, which is why I showed my paw, and a pawpaw, next to one. The flash accidentally went off in that photo.

Then there’s a photo of me just to show that I still exist. I’m 39 years old today. My bike helmet doesn’t fit over my dreadlocks, which are really thick. I need a larger helmet.

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Probably a big copyright violation here

September 21, 2013

10:58 AM 9/21/2013

At the end of the book, he made this acronym, a word with letters that stand for something so that you can memorize it. I think it’s kind of funny. I know he didn’t write this entire book with this acronym in mind beforehand. He somehow made up the acronym after the book was written, which must have been very hard to do. There’s an entire book of stuff, and you invent some long acronym and then find words that will fit into it, and you might have to look for synonyms. I can imagine so many ways that it would fail. And yet, he did it well enough that it worked.

The acronym is ‘FASTLANE SUPERCHARGER.’ It’s a very long word, and yet he somehow found a word for every one of the letters.

Formula
Admit
Stop and Swap
Time
Leverage
Assets and Income
Number
Effection
Steer
Uncouple
Passion & Purpose
Educate
Road
Control
Have
Automate
Replicate
Grow
Exit
Retire, Reward, or Repeat

He even ended it with a ‘loop’ command! How do people think of these things? It’s like poetry.

1. Formula. Wealth is a formula and a systematic process of beliefs, choices, actions, and habits that form a lifestyle. Wealth is a process, not an event.

2. Admit. Admit that the preordained path to weatlth, ‘Get Rich Slow,’ is fundamentally flawed because of Uncontrollable Limited Leverage, weak mathematics predicated on time (Wealth = Job + Markets). Admit that ‘Get Rich Quick’ exists. Admit that ‘no plan’ is not a good plan. Admit that luck is the residue of engagement.

3. Stop and Swap. Stop following the wrong roadmaps. Stop doing what you’ve been doing. Stop selling your soul for a weekend. Stop thinking that 401(k)s and mutual funds will make you rich. Swap ineffective roadmaps for the Fastlane roadmap. Swap your allegiances from consumer to producer.

4. Time. Time is the king asset of the Fastlane – specifically, free time. Invest in activities that will grant free time. Avoid time thieves, such as parasitic debt that transfigures free time into indentured time. Invest time into a business system that can transform indentured time into free time. Make decisions with time as a key decision factor. (*While reading this, I just thought of getting a second job where I would have a lot of free time. I could work overnight at Uni-Mart and spend a lot of time reading or something, since there would be periods with nothing to do. From what I remember at my other Uni-Mart job in the past, you’re technically not supposed to read, but you can get away with it. The concept is, get a job that gives you a lot of free time that you could spend reading.*)

5. Leverage. Leverage controllable and unlimited mathematics to create wealth. There is no leverage within the Slowlane wealth equation, an equation predicated on time (hourly pay, annual salary, annualized return, years invested). If you can’t control the mathematics that predetermine your wealth, nor accelerate them into large numbers, you can’t control your financial plan. Leverage is harnessed by a system that does the work for you.

6. Assets and Income. Wealth is accelerated by exploding income and Asset value via a business that can be systemized and eventually sold in a liquidation event. Live below your means but seek to expand your means by focusing on income while simultaneously controlling expenses. Exponential growth of income and asset value, not slashing expenses, creates millionaires.

7. Number. What’s your Number? How much money will you need to live a lifestyle of your choosing? Determine your number, break it down by the penny, and make it real today. Start saving your loose change, open a brokerage account, and put a chart on your office wall that continually monitors your number’s progress. Make your dream lifestyle real by posting photos of that lifestyle at your workspace. For example, if you want a cabin on a mountain creek, find a picture of that vision and put it on a computer so you have to see it every day. Make your visions of the future real and force them into your psyche so you’re constantly reminded. If your dream is a Ferrari, buy a die-cast Ferrari model and put it in your car or on your desk. Make those dreams real and inescapable!

8. Effection. Grace Effection and you shall be graced with wealth. The Law of Effection states, ‘The more people whose lives you affect in an environment you control, the more money you will make.’ Impact millions and you will make millions. When you solve needs on a massive scale, money flows into your life. Money reflects value.

9. Steer. Life’s Steering is choice. At some point, you must commit to the Fastlane ideology, and that commitment forms your process. Wealth is not a choice of event, just like you cannot choose to lose 100 pounds and suddenly wake up 100 pounds lighter. (*Me: You can if you quit taking antidepressants and other prescription drugs!*)

How you steer determines whether the Fastlane is a lifestyle or a hobby. To enforce good decisions at the extremes, deploy WCCA and WADM. Decision horsepower is strongest in youth and bleeds with age. Examine your past choices. Why are you where you are? What has been treasonous to your life? Why are you drowning in debt? If you don’t rectify the mistakes of your past choices you will be destined to repeat them. Behavior change begins with a reflection of your past choices and modifying them for the future to reflect a Fastlane mindset. Become responsible, followed by accountable.

10. Uncouple. Officially Uncouple from the Slowlane wealth equation by creating your business structure in a favorable Fastlane entity: a C- or S-Corporation, or an LLC. Thereafter, your entity is the body of your surrogate business system. It ‘pays itself first’ and the government last. It survives time separate from your time. It is your first step at creating an asset.

11. Passion & Purpose. With a business entity and a dollar figure that outlines your dream life, you will need a Passion and a Purpose to fuel you into habitual action. Don’t confuse ‘passion’ with ‘do what you love.’ Passion burns your soul and drives you to do whatever it takes. Passion revs you with excitement and enrages you with discontent. Some passions are selfish (I want a Lamborghini) and other passions are selfless (I want to help orphaned children). It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as the passion burns hot enough to burn a hole in your pants and gets you embroiled into process.

12. Educate. Education begins at graduation. Pledge to never stop learning. What you know now is not enough to become the person you need to be tomorrow. Seek Fastlane knowledge that fosters the construction and operation of business systems in an environment that you control. Get to the library and get on the Internet. Information is the oil on your financial journey. Ensure daily reading in short bursts by leveraging existing blocks of time often squandered: the train, the plane, while exercising, on lunch break, an hour in the morning before work, or while waiting at the post office.

13. Road. Get onto a Fastlane Road. But don’t worry if you can’t decide which road to travel; the road can pick you. Train your mind to see needs and problems. Observe your thoughts and language, because they expose unmet needs, or needs met poorly. You don’t have to find the next breakthrough; just find a problem, a pain-point, or a service gap, and solve it. Many of the best businesses in the world are based on products that already existed; the owners solved the problem better. When you focus on needs, problems, inconveniences, and issues, roads open. Yes, the road chooses you.

14. Control. Control your financial plan as this refers to the Commandment of Control. Engage in an organization that you fully control, from pricing to marketing to operations. Fastlane entrepreneurs don’t cede control over business functions to hierarchical control structures, because they are the control structure. Swim as a shark, not a guppy.

15. Have. HAVE what others NEED and money will flow into your life. This reflects the Commandment of Need. You can’t explode your income by chasing money. Stop chasing money, because it eludes those who try. Instead, focus on what attracts money, and that is a business that solves needs. Money comes from providing value. Cast aside selfishness and seek to HAVE what your fellow man WANTS. When you do, money flows into your life because money is attracted to those who have what others want, desire, crave, or need.

16. Automate. Automate your business and honor the Commandment of Time. Get your time detached from your business. The best passive-income money-tree seedlings are money systems, rental systems, computer systems, content systems, distribution systems, and human resource systems. The key to automation in any business lies in these seedlings.

17. Replicate. Replicate your system and honor the Commandment of Scale. Get on a playing field where home runs can be hit. To make millions, you must impact millions. To impact millions, you must be on a field capable of affecting millions! Can your product, service, process be replicated on a global scale to tap the Law of Effection?

18. Grow. Grow your business by treating it multi-dimensionally, like a game of chess. Build a brand, not a business. Treat customers like your boss and reposition complaints to opportunities. Listen to the world as they offer the best directional clues. Resist commoditization. Differentiate yourself from the competition. Get above the noise. Focus on one business and one business only.

19. Exit. Have an Exit strategy. Full passivity accomplished by a money system is one Fastlane destination. Money systems are best funded by liquidation events of massive asset values. Know when it’s time to liquidate your assets, transforming paper money into real money. Know when it’s time to get off the horse and learn to ride a new one.

20. Retire, Reward, or Repeat. After liquidating your asset(s), Retire or Repeat. Regardless of which, Reward yourself for milestones met everywhere along the journey. Sell your first product? Celebrate! Go to dinner, buy a cigar, drink a beer. Break $100,000 in net worth? Treat yourself to something nice. Book a joint-venture deal? Celebrate with an indulgence. Go over $1 million? Take a nice vacation. Break $10 million? Buy a Lamborghini.

**********
I just spent a long time manually typing those in by hand, since I had a cup of coffee this morning. I brought home the coffee from work with me. I probably just did a huge copyright violation. I’d probably enjoy manually typing the entire book from the beginning and commenting on it the whole way through.

He has another acronym in the book: NECST. Those are the commandments.

The Commandment of Need
The Commandment of Entry
The Commandment of Control
The Commandment of Scale
The Commandment of Time

Then there are the 40 Fastlane Lifestyle Guidelines.

I SHALL…

1. Not dismiss ‘Get Rich Quick’ as improbable. (*I just read about Singapore again recently, and I think they said 1/6 people are millionaires there.*)

2. Not allow the Slowlane to bury my dreams.

3. Not allow Slowlane prognosticators to contaminate my truth with their dogma.

4. Not ordain the Slowlane as the plan, but let it be a part of the plan.

5. Not sell my soul for a weekend.

6. Not expect nor seek a chauffeur to wealth.

7. Not trade my time for money.

8. Not put time in control over my financial plan.

9. Not forsake control over my financial plan.

10. Not demote time as abundant and effervescent.

11. Not assign faith to events, but to process.

12. Not take advice from gurus who preach one roadmap, while getting rich using another.

13. Not use compound interest for wealth, but for income.

14. Not disrespect the passivity of a dollar.

15. Not cease learning at graduation, but start it.

16. Not impose the burdens of parasitic debt into my life.

17. Not play on Team Consumer, but switch to Team Producer.

18. Not dismiss the plausibility of my dreams.

19. Not chase a path of money, but a path of need.

20. Not fuel my motivation by love, but by passion.

21. Not focus on my expenses, but on my income.

22. Not pay myself last, but first.

23. Not do what everyone does.

24. Not trust everyone, but allow trust to be proven.

25. Not relinquish control over my business.

26. Not hitchhike, but seek to drive.

27. Not operate within limited scales and in tiny habitats.

28. Not dishonor the horsepower of my choices.

29. Not swim as a guppy in a pool, but as a shark in the oceans.

30. Not consume first, but produce first, and consume later.

31. Not engage in barrier-free or entry-weak businesses.

32. Not invest in other people’s brands, but in my own.

33. Not give credence to ideas, but to execution.

34. Not forsake my customer for other stakeholders.

35. Not build a business, but a brand.

36. Not focus my marketing messages on features, but benefits.

37. Not by a polygamist opportunist: Focus!

38. Not engage my business like checkers, but chess.

39. Not live above my means, but seek to expand my means.

40. Not live without the insurance of financial literacy.

Resisting an urge to email Rick

September 20, 2013

10:10 PM 9/20/2013

I want to break the habit of emailing Rick. I also want to clear up some beliefs that I have about him, which might not be true, but which are not necessarily false either. They are not impossible. All that I can get from him is a constant bombardment of hatred. It sort of makes me feel better if I write *about* him. All this time, I’ve been emailing him, and I did that as a way to stop myself from writing about him in my blog. Now I would like to reverse that and do the opposite – stop emailing him, and start writing about him in my blog instead.

There are things that have happened in the past whenever I’ve tried to start dating other people or done other things to try to get away from him. I used dating websites and forums and sometimes I would forward messages to him, to show him what other people were saying to me, other guys. They weren’t sexual messages, just ordinary conversations, but I wanted to prove that I really was talking to other people besides him. Whenever I would do this, sometimes he would write a blog post that would seem to refer to something I had said in email, even though he said many times that he just deleted all of my letters. If he had gone a long time without writing anything new on any of his web pages, he would suddenly start posting new things if I would tell him that I was leaving or seeing other guys. ‘They’ are capable of forcing people to suddenly get an urge, or an idea, to write something, so I cannot prove that he wasn’t forced to get ideas to write about some subject that was relevant to something I said in email. It always seemed like he was trying to draw my attention back to him every time I threatened to leave.

This helped strengthen the habit of writing to him and believing that he was reading it. Again, he may or may not have been consciously aware of doing these things. He may or may not have deliberately done things to get my attention if I tried to leave or talked about meeting other guys. The effect was strong enough that I don’t even want to try to direct my energy elsewhere now. I just keep believing that he’s lying about everything and pretending to loathe me when he actually loves me and wants to meet me, and everything he says is the opposite of the truth.

Again, these things are not *physically impossible*, and so it’s hard to disprove them. It is actually possible for all those things to have happened for the reasons that I think they are happening, and it can’t be disproven by using any kind of scientific reasoning (‘your equations require you to travel faster than the speed of light, which is impossible’).

I was always trying to do my decontaminations so that I would be less vulnerable to certain ways of thinking. But it seems like there’s always more to do. I can mostly finish decontaminating from the drug residues, but I still have plastic dental fillings leaching bisphenol-A into my body, which is a xenoestrogen, and xenoestrogens distort your thoughts and emotions too, in addition to the other physical symptoms that they are causing. So I don’t know how distorted my thinking is as a result of that, because it’s been several years now since I got the two plastic fillings. I do remember, for sure, that they distorted my moods and emotions, and I remember when I got them that I felt like it was hard to think, for several weeks, and I also had a lot of headaches, hot flashes, and extremely severe mood swings that were much worse than ordinary PMS. I am planning to remove them. I will do that before pregnancy, because the poisons will also ruin my baby’s body, and the BPA-induced breast pain will make it hard to nurse a baby. BPA causes people to become homosexual and to have various physical deformities and brain deformities, and it lowers IQ.

Yes, writing about him does slightly reduce the urge to write *to* him. It’s extremely damaging to my self-esteem to write emails to him that he never answers, while I don’t know for sure if he’s reading them or not. There was the ‘conspiracy theories’ web page on his TryUkraine website, and that was the strongest example of an ‘incident’ where he seemed to ‘respond’ to something I had done in email.

By the way, I am well aware of the argument where you see what you expect to see and have a distorted interpretation of its cause. The example I always give is, if you say you’re going to deliberately look for red cars, you will suddenly seem to notice a lot more red cars than usual. Someone might say, it’s like, “I never knew there were so many red cars out there until one day I decided to deliberately look for them, and suddenly they seemed to be everywhere – it was like they somehow ‘knew’ that I was counting them.”

When the mind controllers/soul murderers are ‘teaching’ a victim, they traumatize the victim with some kind of extremely unlikely incident, like saying you’re going to look for all the orange Volkswagen beetles and count them, and five minutes later, an entire fleet of nothing but 500 orange Volkswagen beetles drives down the street in front of your house, in an isolated suburb with no traffic. That’s not a random coincidence, and when you see ‘coincidences’ that are so extreme, you learn that someone really is reading your mind and controlling your thoughts. They didn’t deliver the 500 orange beetles in response to your thinking about them, but rather, they forced you to ‘get the idea’ to say that you were going to count orange beetles. You might have spent a moment searching your mind looking for some random idea. You said, ‘Gee, I wonder what bizarre, random thing I might use to do this experiment – I know! Orange beetles!’ They gave you that idea.

That’s the type of thing mind control victims have to deal with. I’m aware of the fact that it might *seem* like there are more red cars on the highway when I am deliberately looking for them, and it might ‘seem’ like Rick writes more stuff on his web pages whenever I’ve said or done particular things in email, because I’m expecting that. Normally, that’s how I’d try to interpret this; however, I’m also aware that mind controllers live all over the planet, and they can attack anybody at any time – nobody has any protection against them, and they don’t require any implants or anything to force thoughts into your brain – they only need to shoot you with particular radio frequencies or ultrasonic frequencies of whatever, and I don’t know exactly which technology that they are using, because, unlike them, I have no interest in attacking and controlling other people and don’t spend all of my time and money researching ways to do it. So I usually assume he’s being controlled and forced to do things, instead of assuming that it’s just a distorted perception or interpretation that I have.

Rick may have gone on one of his vacations. He travels a lot. He was, briefly, answering my comments with the nonstop blast of hatred and loathing that he always directs at me. He stopped answering a couple days ago, which is why I am now trying to resist the urge to email him.

I try to think of looking for another boyfriend. However, I want to finish up some projects. I want to finish my decon. Ideally, I still wouldn’t want someone visiting my tent and walking around on the dirt up there. I would have to have some kind of positive interest, something worth giving to somebody, rather than just suffering and need. But I am unable to escape from suffering when I am being blasted by brain noise 24/7/365 – it’s not possible to enjoy everyday activities. I only have these grim, dark, difficult projects, such as the shield building project, which I haven’t been able to save up enough money for. There actually is a company out there, which I found online, which sells materials that are meant to be used as electromagnetic shielding. I have also read about people using things intended as ultrasonic shielding and getting good results with that. I would try both electromagnetic and ultrasonic shielding. These things require money, which I cannot save, and which I would probably be even less able to save if I were living in an apartment.

I could do some things socially, but again, I feel reluctant to start up any social projects whenever I still feel as though Rick is expecting me to go to him. He just denies that he has ever done anything at all that could have even slightly justified my believing this. I went back and looked at some quotes from emails he had written to me in the very beginning. He told me that he had looked at my blog, but would never look at it again because it was a ‘distasteful read’ to him, and yet, Georgia loyally appeared in my blog stats two or three times a week, every week, consistently, for quite a few months, until an incident that happened in email, which somehow caused him to stop visiting my blog. When somebody lies about something once, you think that maybe they are lying about other things, too. This isn’t delusional. That’s normal thinking. People who are caught lying are thereafter viewed as untrustworthy people who might be lying about many things. If he said he would never look at my blog again, but then my stats showed that he did, then it’s not that ‘delusional’ of me to suspect that maybe he’s lying when he says he isn’t reading my emails.

But again, it is very harmful for me to email him. He doesn’t answer, he just ‘rewards’ me if I send him naked pictures. I’m not planning on sending any anytime soon. He stopped replying to my comments on the day when I told him that I was having a ‘mood’ problem. That was the day when I stepped in my wet shoes in the rain and reacted to the soil contamination, or whatever it is in the soil – it could even be something in the soil there that didn’t come from me and my drug residues, but whatever it is, it makes me have moods, and the only way to fix them is to wash off my feet, which I very quickly did that day, and got rid of the mood, and gradually went back to a more normal mood. I can feel a tickly sensation of some chemical going through the skin of my feet – it burns a little bit. I still haven’t done any testing to see if I got that sensation, and those moods, from walking barefoot on soil elsewhere on the mountain where the drug residues wouldn’t be. That requires more free time and a commitment to doing the experiment. The experiment sort of feels pointless. If I were about to do another soil decon, then yes, I’d want to make sure that I was going someplace where I wouldn’t have a reaction. But I’m not about to do another soil decon this instant, although I’m going to do an easy, minor, intermediate, imperfect one, where all I do is move my tent to another location and get new shoes, and maybe put new pedals on the bike, since I can’t wash them off well enough.

He stopped replying on the day when I had the mood and the bizarre thinking, almost as though he wanted to hurt me and make me do something crazy that I’d be more likely to do when I was in a mood (send photos). I’ve tried to tell him that I’m less manic than I was in the past, that the moods are less severe, less prolonged, less frequent, and more easily fixed, and that I don’t like taking pictures of myself (although I might photograph the pawpaw tree and put it on my blog soon). I didn’t say anything crazy enough or bizarre enough to warrant his sudden refusal to speak to me, and I informed him that I was having a mood, and I had informed him several times that I’m not perfect and never will be, and will always tend to be prone to moods and reactions to chemicals even after my drug residue decon is done (and it’s mostly done). I’ve been stable enough that I decided to try to communicate directly with him again, because I knew I could talk to him without doing anything crazy, and I’ve been doing very well so far, especially considering the onslaught of hatred that I have to deal with now.

I’m also still having moods from caffeine, and haven’t quit that yet. I wanted to reduce my moods and delusional tendencies, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I will easily be able to give up on Rick, even after those moods are gone. I will still be bombarded by a blast of noise in my brain reminding me of him, and I will still feel the way that I feel about him – I don’t know him, but I want to get to know him. Some of the feelings are real, some of the feelings are chemical-induced moods, and some of the feelings are the result of a mind control attack, and all three of those things combine to make me do what I do, giving me the urge to email him or keep trying to reach him.

I still have to decide about an apartment, but I’m reluctant. I still see myself just trying to camp for now and getting a second job after I get the motorbike working. Don’t worry, I’m not going to drive fast. I only need a bike that drives without my having to pedal it, and I don’t care about going fast. I’ll just go around slowly, but I won’t be so exhausted anymore, if I do get it working consistently.

Unfortunately, I can think of some other reasons why I might be having moods. I’ve had to wear the McDonald’s shared jacket several times at work, because it’s cold and I don’t have my own black jacket yet. There are other people who have worn the jacket, and one girl uses antidepressants, a bunch of different drugs. Those drugs are in the jacket and they’re affecting me. I wore the jacket a while ago today, and after I took it off, I continued to have that mood for a long time, and the mood is gradually starting to fade. The fact that the mood is mysteriously fading now suggests to me that it was from the jacket. This girl is having a lot of side effects from her drugs, and she’s sort of hypersensitive or weepy sometimes, and moody, and reacts with strong emotions, which are made worse by the drugs. She’s been vomiting blood from stomach ulcers which are caused by her antidepressants. She’ll still keep taking them, of course. She was vomiting when there was a stomach virus going around, and she probably won’t keep vomiting all the time, but her ulcers are still there. They probably don’t bleed as badly all the time, only when her stomach muscles are clenching to vomit. But her drugs would cause me to have the weepy, clingy, painful emotions that I’ve been having.

As long as I’m living in the ‘Untouchable Society,’ I will *always* be prone to having reactions to other people’s antidepressants. I just cannot avoid this, until the day when I no longer need to go to a job to earn money, and I can stay away from all drug users.

I still can’t think of directing all of my energy towards finding another guy, though. When I do, I feel like there are all these unresolved contradictions with Rick, suggesting that he really is expecting me. I had rationalized that no harm would be done if all I did was attempt to visit him and meet him in person, someday in the future. There’s no reason why I can’t go visit any country I want. However, without his cooperation, I would not necessarily be able to find him easily.

I need to get up and go home now. I need to go out and buy myself a thick, warm black coat and bring it to work with me every day so I can stop wearing the shared coat. That will reduce my reactions to the other girl’s antidepressants. However, I feel like I’ve done enough to decontaminate, and I’m reasonably stable, and there is no longer any justification for Rick’s barrage of absolute hatred when I try to communicate with him. I am no longer doing the crazy things I did in the past. There are some things I need to understand, but he refuses to explain anything, even the things that he can’t deny, such as reading my blog for months and months after telling me that it was a ‘distasteful read’ and that he wouldn’t be back to look at it again. He takes every chance he gets to insult me and then lies about what he’s doing, as though it’s shameful somehow for him to have any positive feelings for me at all. But other people have loved me many times in my life. I have had friends and boyfriends and people who care about me, and it is not something to be ashamed of.

My motor is in State College, PA now.

September 20, 2013

I just have to go pick it up. Then, over the next couple weeks, I’ll be putting it together and troubleshooting the inevitable problems and jury-rigging some kind of fixes for it. There will be a few days when I end up pushing a dead heavy bike a couple miles down the road, I suspect, so I should leave for work a whole lot earlier than I normally do if I start using the bike, as in, a couple hours earlier.

I started thinking of this as John Galt’s Motor of the World, except in the book, that motor is broken and doesn’t work! So maybe I should think of some other motor instead. But I like thinking of it as John Galt’s motor.

I want a corporation that produces extremely simple, durable, quality appliances, which might not be cheap

September 20, 2013

Their motto is ‘We make ’em like they used to.’ They’ll make a cell phone that only works as a phone and is incapable of text messaging, or maybe only does text messaging and nothing beyond that. The cell phone will be so durable that you can keep it for your entire life. They’ll produce calculators instead of computers, for situations where a whole computer isn’t necessary. I’m thinking about the cash register program at McDonald’s, and about the concept of ‘appropriate technology.’ Maybe an old-fashioned programming language would be the best thing for a glorified cash register.

About These Ads

September 18, 2013

I only recently started seeing a message from WordPress saying ‘About These Ads.’ On my blog posts, some people might see an ad at the bottom, which I did not put there. I wondered why this only happened recently. I don’t remember ever seeing that message before. I suspect that maybe my blog wasn’t getting enough traffic for WordPress to think it was worthwhile to put ads on my page. However, in the past couple months, I’ve gotten hundreds and hundreds more visitors, just from one particular post, the one about guardrail radar. Maybe I exceeded a minimum number of visitors per month, which WordPress might use to decide whether or not to put ads on my page. That’s just a theory.

Pawpaws taste like sugar water (*edited: the second one I ate had more flavor*)

September 16, 2013

(*Edit.  I ate one again today, and this one seemed to have more flavor.  I also read more about them on the net.  I decided they’re best if you peel them.  The peel does have a bitter flavor, although it also has more flavors that could be distinctively recognized as ‘pawpaw-flavored,’ too.  I suspect that some of the (relatively mild) poisons are in the skin, and that you will mostly avoid them if you peel it.  This is true of many fruits, and is also helpful for Feingold Dieters who need to reduce their consumption of natural salicylates from fruits.*)

(*According to what I read, there are poisons in the leaves and the bark of the tree, so there might be some in the peel of the fruit, too, but again, I haven’t reacted very badly to them so far.  I notice only very mild strange sensations, which I am keenly attuned to.  If I were not paying careful attention to such things, I would not have noticed, and most people would not notice.  Anyway, the peel doesn’t taste as good, and our taste sensations help protect us against some poisons by making us dislike bitter tastes.*)

(*Supposedly, some chemicals in the tree are being tested as experimental anti-cancer drugs.  However, those are also the same poisons that I’m trying not to eat!*)

********

I ate a pawpaw! I was coming home tonight and I decided to check the tree. A couple of the pawpaws had softened. It’s gotten a little bit chilly in the past week or two, and that’s probably triggering the tree to start letting go of its leaves and fruits. I pressed on their skins and they dented in just a little bit, which meant they were ripe. (Darn it, I have a crumb under the keyboard, and it’s interfering with my comma.)

I picked one and bit into it. The skin was still green on the outside. I had expected them to turn yellow on the outside, and the remaining ones still might, but this one was green. But inside, the flesh was yellow. It had a texture like a mango, and maybe just slightly like a banana. People often compare them to bananas, but it was more like a mango to me. It was less juicy than a mango, but more juicy than a banana, and it was definitely juicy, not just fleshy. It was extremely sweet, and had not even the slightest hint of bitterness, sourness, acidity, or that pucker-provoking feeling that I can’t remember the name of (‘acerbic’ is the word I keep thinking of, but that’s not it). It was recognizable as a normal fruit just like any other fruit you might get at the grocery store – it didn’t have that ‘barely edible foraged food’ taste to it. I know that some wild plants are barely edible but not at all enjoyable. This wasn’t like that. It was just as good and just as edible as any grocery store fruit that we Europeans are familiar with.

The only slightly disappointing thing about it was its lack of uniquely recognizable flavor. It tasted like sugar water in a fleshy fruit, and that was about all – no particular flavor. It wasn’t bad! But if you were going to try to make pawpaw-flavored jellybeans, or pawpaw flavored Kool-Aid, or pawpaw flavored lollipops, they would just taste like sugar, unlike, for instance, cherry flavored candies or strawberry flavored candies.

It’s a Native American food that they cultivated. The good thing about a wild native plant is that you don’t have to baby it. You don’t have to give it all these special soil conditions or chop down all the forest to clear a field for it. You don’t have to spray it with pesticides and fertilizers. It can grow in the shade under a forest, and in fact, one website said that a baby pawpaw tree would die if it was exposed to too much sun.

I’m chemical sensitive, and if there’s anything bad in pawpaws, I’ll react to it. I didn’t notice any unusual symptoms so far, although I usually feel some slightly weird sensations when I try a new food that I’ve never eaten before, as though my body recognizes these molecules as something unfamiliar and uncategorized and possibly dangerous. I did have only a teensy bit of a weird feeling in my mouth, and I wondered if I was allergic, but the feeling was brief, fleeting, and mild, and I’m not noticing anything now.

I’ll try more of them over the next couple weeks and see what happens. I’m keeping the seeds and hoping to plant them. In order to awaken the seeds, you must let them get cold over the months of winter. They are programmed to awaken after a long period of cold. They don’t automatically start growing the instant they touch the ground, unlike many domesticated seeds, which no longer have any protection against sprouting in the winter or sprouting at the wrong time in the wrong place. Pawpaws are a wild plant capable of surviving the winters and seeding themselves without human help.

I read that pawpaws even contain some fat. I don’t remember if it was saturated fat or what. I’d have to look at the web page where I found it. They compared its nutrients to those in other fruits, most of which contained no fat at all. I feel satisfied after eating a pawpaw, because of the fat. If I eat, say, an apple, I feel like I’ve barely even eaten anything at all. A pawpaw feels like a real meal. If I had to choose between apples and pawpaws I would definitely choose pawpaws. I hate apples. Apples do have some useful purposes – they contain pectin, which can be used to make jelly. But I’m not making jelly, and I have no use for apples at the moment, although I could conceivably make vinegar with them, and I have uses for vinegar.

I’ll see how I feel tomorrow. I’ll notice if there are any aftereffects such as diarrhea. Lots of people have rediscovered the pawpaw and lots of people love them and rave about them, so I think I will be fine.

…Okay, it’s tomorrow, and I’m fine. I didn’t notice any severe symptoms at all, just a tiny bit of anxiety in the middle of the night. I picked another pawpaw on my way down the hill today.

being tortured by football on the radio; the next equation, the slowlane

September 14, 2013

8:00 PM 9/14/2013

I am at work being tortured by the radio at deafening volume playing the football game. I passionately loathe football, and I also hate loud noise, and I’m not very fond of standing around being bored either, but I am getting paid, at least. We’re really slow because everyone on earth is watching the game, and nobody wants to go to McDonald’s while they’re watching football.

So I’m reading The Millionaire Fastlane, so that I can fantasize about a future where I will never again be forced to endure this horrible, horrible radio with its music so foul that I have no words to describe it.

I need to find the slowlane equation and also the fastlane equation. Those need to be broken down and expressed in bookkeeping terms.

p.77: ‘The driving force behind wealth under Get Rich Slow is time…’

Could time be expressed as an ‘asset’ or ‘expense’ in a bookkeeping equation? It’s not normally done. Time is an unavoidable expense, or a limited asset. How would you express it? It is a cost of some kind. It’s an asset of unknown worth, because you don’t know how much time you have until you die. You can only estimate, and then, sort of depreciate it and recalculate it every once in a while based on how well you’re doing now. It’s an asset that is vulnerable to sudden ‘marketplace’ catastrophes, just like stocks. Yesterday you thought you had twenty years ahead, but suddenly today you find out that you have only six months left. The asset value is highly variable and can change suddenly.

(Actually, ‘six months left’ wouldn’t happen, because that’s usually if you have cancer or something, and doctors are notorious for being totally wrong about how long a cancer patient has to live or what options they have for curing their own cancer and surviving. I hate it when doctors estimate that somebody has ‘six months to live’ because of their cancer. They might as well just not even estimate it at all.)

Okay, I temporarily escaped. I asked for a lunch break.

p.77: When can you finally splurge? Well, I don’t think the slowlane exists to serve the purpose of splurging and living a rich life. Instead, it merely gives security. It prevents the sidewalker’s problem of ‘one paycheck away from broke.’ That’s its primary purpose. However, if that were the *only* purpose, then you could just save up a finite amount of money, whatever you estimated would be ‘enough to cover an emergency,’ and then spend the rest of the money on whatever you wanted.

p.78: ‘factors you can’t control,’ such as the marketplace and the value of your stocks. ‘Risk’ is a factor in the equation, but again, it’s a non-numeric factor that isn’t usually written in as a literal number. Still, you might be able to write it into an equation. They calculate ‘depreciation’ in bookkeeping equations. And some people disagree with the way that’s usually done. So ‘risk’ and ‘time’ could also be given some kind of numerical estimate in an equation.

p.79: Wealth = job + market investments.

He emphasizes that the slowlane, and financial discipline, is necessary and is part of the fastlane – it just can’t be the ENTIRE plan.

I am trying to analyze p.81, which is where he factors down the equation, but it’s too noisy here and I can’t think. I’m downstairs, but I can still hear the deafeningly loud football announcer, and the sounds of clanging and banging and hissing as somebody up there is spraying the dishes.

Wealth = (Primary Income Source: Job) + (Wealth Accelerator: Market Investments)
Wealth = Intrinsic Value + Compound Interest

When ‘intrinsic value’ is part of the equation, it sort of means that you yourself are an asset. He uses that to mean your value to your employer, which is increased if, for instance, you have a college degree. You increase your own asset value, and you are an asset. This equation also includes time. Why doesn’t it say ‘savings + compound interest?’ It just says ‘compound interest’ alone.

Intrinsic Value = Hourly Wage X Hours Worked

or

Intrinsic Value = Yearly Salary

I am wealthy because I, my body, my brain, has a high asset value. I am a producing asset that works over time. The money comes from operating this asset, this body, this brain, to produce something. That is how this equation sees it.

p.81: I disagree with the story about the violinist playing in the subway station. He was playing Bach. Sometimes classical music sucks, but it’s widely recognized as being great, so people go to a concert hall and pay money to go there and listen to something which is ‘officially recognized’ as being great. They tell themselves that this music is great because everybody says that it’s great, when in reality it sucks, and they just aren’t capable of recognizing independently which music sucks and which music is great, so the only way they know music is great is if you go to a concert hall and pay a lot of money for it. Nobody gave a damn about the violinist because he was playing music that sucked. It’s no better than any other music on the radio. There was nothing special about that music. It’s the same as that bottle of cheap wine. When you pay only $5 for the bottle of wine, people think that the wine isn’t really good, but if you take exactly the same wine and package it in another bottle and charge $500 for it, people think it’s great wine. The Bach music in the concert hall is the $500 repackaged bottle of wine that people think is great merely because it costs a lot. They have no idea how to recognize the greatness of wine or music.

Now if he were playing a 6/8 folk song and nobody stopped to dance, I’d agree with the point he was making in that paragraph about people being blind to beauty. But I’m guessing he was playing non-danceable Bach songs that weren’t 6/8 beats, just the boring old 4/4 exactly like every other radio song that you can’t dance to. You might as well just listen to your iPod. It’s only great because it’s *BACH*, and *BACH IS GREAT!* and *YOU PAY A LOT OF MONEY TO GO TO THIS CONCERT!* ‘Not even the greatest musician in the world can illuminate the blinding depths of the rat race and those entrenched by its indifference,’ especially when they’re playing boring, mediocre, non-danceable, non-spirited, classical Bach music. This anecdote just tells me that the music I want to hear doesn’t exist and I’m the only one who can write it.

However, I agree with the overall point. People are blind when all they do is go to work every day. I totally agree with that. I just don’t agree with the particular example he used to illustrate it.

Break’s over…

I’m going to get a second job, save up money, and take time off work. That is the plan. Then I will have to work on some other projects.

More processing of The Millionaire Fastlane

September 14, 2013

11:59 AM 9/14/2013

I’m going to work a little bit later than usual today, so I’m awake enough to read and write but have a couple hours left before work. I will work on The Millionaire Fastlane.

Instead of going through page by page like I was doing before, I want to go get the equations for each of the ‘lanes’ and try to understand them. I’m not ready to actually do any kind of projects yet, and I’m just going to get a second job, so I don’t have to apply this knowledge yet. So it doesn’t matter if all that I’m doing is understanding the abstractions. I already agree with the overall idea of the book. I had to get through the decon first before I could try any projects of any kind, because the mania gave me projects that were too insane and unsustainable. I am mostly through the decon.

Now I need to make some more changes: I need to remove my dental fillings, I need to quit caffeine, and I need to get on a healthy diet. I am considering moving back into an apartment so that I can most easily get the healthy diet without having to hire other neighbors to keep food in their fridges for me (which I considered, but don’t feel comfortable doing). However, based on my memories, it’s still not easy to cook your own food while living in an apartment. I and many other people complain that you can’t go home after working at an exhausting job all day long, and then do some *more* work and spend a couple hours shopping and preparing food. You don’t have enough willpower left. Just simply not having the will to do things is the worst consequence of working many hours at a job. Still, I am considering moving back into an apartment nonetheless, and for that, I will absolutely have to have a second job, because it is simply *NOT POSSIBLE* to pay $400-$500 a month on rent with only one job. $400 is two weeks’ paychecks, approximately (if I have slightly less than 40 hours, which I often do). I usually get, ehh, $220-$240 or so every week.

I’m waiting for the motor, waiting to get through this week without any money (I borrowed some money from a coworker and will pay him back on Wednesday – he was very nice about it, and I don’t normally ask anyone for money). I’m still very stalled and unable to get things done, very tired, just struggling to sleep enough every day. I was being attacked badly last night – ‘they’ decided to attack me much worse than usual, maybe because I don’t have any money – the attacks are often worst when I don’t have any money.

What are the three general equations for the three general ‘lanes’ in this book?

I’m still looking for the pages that have the equations on them, and it’s hard not to be distracted by other things I see along the way. ‘Process’ is needed to achieve wealth, not just events. Your entire life has to be a continuous process of doing something that increases your chances of triggering events. If you keep doing something, someday somebody will respond to you and buy whatever you’re selling. The events do not just fall from the sky. They come to you because you are constantly seeking them and leaving the door open for them. He says that all these people who had ‘sudden events,’ like one day selling their business for millions of dollars and getting rich in an instant, were actually doing the ‘process’ for a very long time, but you don’t read about it in the newspaper – they spent hours and hours learning computer languages, working in the garage to build something, working 60 hours (or more!) a week on their business, etc. They were doing lots and lots of extremely hard work on this one thing without any payoff at all, until one day someone walked through the door with an offer, but the only reason that happened was because of the long hours of hard work that they had been doing for years.

The only ‘process’ of any kind that I have already had through all these years was writing. I am an extremely prolific writer, but, in my opinion, I produce mostly garbage, because I just write to ease my own suffering and entertain myself. There are different ways of thinking while writing, and I use a very self-centered, small-minded way of thinking when I write. It’s all about me, it’s all written in the first person, it’s usually written while I am unhappy or bored and restless or having a drug reaction of some kind, or sick, or whatever. But even so, this is my ongoing process.

I have a couple of blog posts that get a huge (for me) amount of traffic. They were written while manic, of course, and I took suggestions from ‘them’ to write those posts. The one that gets the biggest amount of traffic is one that I wrote not too long ago about guard rail police radar. I get hundreds upon hundreds of inquiries on that post every day, and it goes through phases, apparently when the photo of the guardrail radar gets passed around Facebook, which is where I first saw it. If I had an answer to their question, if I could meet some kind of need and profit from it, all those website visitors would be a huge asset. I just got another wave of website visitors to that blog post a couple days ago, a sudden huge spike in my stats over a period of several days as hundreds of people did google searches for ‘guardrail radar.’

My other most popular post at the moment is the one about how to become a male slave, and how the reality of being a male slave (to me) is disappointing compared to all the stuff you see in porno movies. I don’t want to force a guy to give me oral sex all day long, I want to make him do my laundry, or some other chore or productive work. But all the porno movies just show a ‘mistress’ forcing a guy to do sexual favors for her, because that is what the guy already wants to do. He’s not actually doing something difficult that he’s reluctant to do, and what he’s doing has little value and there is no actual need for it. People don’t beg you or force you to do something all day long that there is no need for. So, that is my most popular post at the moment aside from the guardrail radar one, and I keep getting comments from guys offering to become my male slaves. This is a valuable asset for me, but I’m not taking advantage of it at the moment. I can’t afford male slaves, and not only that, but I haven’t been able to psychologically disconnect myself from Rick. I don’t know if ‘they’ will *ever* let me psychologically disconnect myself from him. I don’t want to be with someone who despises me and loathes me as much as he does. I want to be with someone who respects me and wants to be with me. I don’t want to chase someone who hates me.

That is my ‘process,’ my writing, my blogging, and much of it was done in the past while I was more manic, and when I was not being forced to email Rick as an outlet for my writing. He deletes my emails and doesn’t read them, or he *claims* that he deletes them. That is why I haven’t blogged as much for a long time now. The writing goes to him. The ongoing writing process in my blog has resulted in several ‘hits’ like the guardrail radar and male slave blog posts. Those didn’t just happen out of nowhere, they happened as a result of spending years and years and years writing manic garbage.

However, that process isn’t focused enough. I never intended for this blog to make money. I was just giving an example in my own life of how process results in occasionally getting a few big hits. The blog was merely intended as an outlet for my suffering. I have actually considered writing for money, but postponed that project. I would need some kind of business model, some concept of how it would generate money.

The Sidewalker: My attitudes aren’t as bad as the worst ones that he describes here, p. 46. I am definitely a Sidewalker, though! But I’m just looking for the ‘equations.’ I don’t have time to get into a discussion of all the other stuff.

Wealth Equation: (Wealth = Income + Debt)

Okay, I finally found the equation. Now I have to go find the Slowlane Equation. He also breaks down the components of the equations, and I wanted to get that too. Then, I wanted to struggle to understand them.

Something mathematical is bothering me. Those terms seem sort of metaphorical and they are not in the same terms. I need them to be completely broken down so that they are logically consistent. Wealth = income + debt outflow. Wealth = revenues + expenses. Debt is one of the expenses. I did bookkeeping. My bookkeeping instinct is uncomfortable with this vagueness. I want it to be written in a bookkeeping equation. In fact… it could be. He’s emphasizing ‘debt’ rather than merely ‘expenses.’ I think he means this: wealth = income + a fake illusion of ‘income’ which actually comes from credit cards. I think that’s what he means. Your perception of ‘wealth’ is the combination of your income from your job or whatever, plus the extra ‘wealth’ that you have as a result of buying things on credit cards. How does that translate to a bookkeeping equation? The idea is: I’m wealthy because I earn $50,000 a year, and also because I acquire $100,000 worth of material goods paid for with credit cards.

In the fastlane, your ‘asset value’ is part of your wealth, but the asset is not merely a car or furniture or a television set or some other material object that just sits there. Those do have a dollar value. The ‘assets’ that he describes in the fastlane are living, productive assets. They are living things, living organisms, processes, functions. These assets have a life of their own and they actively generate money. That is not the same type of ‘asset’ as a material object that sits there and has a dollar value. ‘Asset’ is, technically, the general category for both the ‘material object assets’ and the ‘living organisms assets’ (and I don’t literally mean living organisms, but rather, a living *system* that produces money) – ‘living systems assets’ – they’re both ‘assets’ in general. And yes, the government literally owns all the living organisms, and we are all its slaves, and we are its assets.

p. 54: redefining wealth as the three F’s: family (and friends), fitness (health), freedom. Those are the moments when you feel most wealthy.

p. 63: Anything destructive to freedom is destructive to the wealth trinity. The same can be said of ‘anything destructive to family/friends’ and ‘anything destructive to health’!!! However, he emphasized ‘freedom’ here because he was referring to activities that take away freedom, such as working long hours at a job for money (which also destroys family and health), or going in debt and then having to make payments on the debt so you can have material things now, but they are material objects that do not produce wealth, as opposed to ‘living systems’ that constantly produce wealth. He isn’t opposed to going into debt if it will help you create the living systems that produce wealth and exist without your constantly working. You must produce life, and it must be self-reliant life that can exist without your expenditure of time. If you go into debt to buy parts of your system and put it together, that’s okay, but don’t go into debt to buy the illusion of wealth, the material objects that are non-productive and nonliving and inactive.

And, I already know this stuff. I’m just reviewing it. I actually know this backwards and forwards. I’ve known it for so long and have been ready for this for so long. I’m being reminded of what I always wanted. It’s being made more explicit. What do I need to make the final decision to start the project, to take the risk, to make a deliberate effort to build a living system that will produce money without my participation?

Again, for now, I will just work two jobs and try very hard to save up a bunch of money. I want to take time off work. If I am not working, I will regenerate my will. Then I can devote every drop of my will to building a living thing that will create money on its own without my needing to operate it, or with very minimal operation.

p. 65: Someone commented that Bill Gates got lucky, and MJD disagrees. Actually… Bill Gates might have had a ‘Guns, Germs, and Steel’ moment, where somebody takes over the world because they happened to have a few essential things before everyone else did, and then they actively suppress everyone else, preventing them from competing. The ‘Guns, Germs, and Steel’ concept is that some societies took over, and destroyed, all the hunter-gatherer societies, because they happened to be lucky enough to have easily domesticated plants and animals in their particular geographic region, whereas other people elsewhere did not. And they also had other things that made it easier for them to take over the world and destroy everything else in existence, and force the entire world to live this horrible lifestyle, and destroy everything of value that ever existed (oops, I’m ranting, you get the idea). The people who take over the world and then destroy everything that exists actually *do* have some kind of ‘luck’ that went into it, some lucky moment, some opportunity that others did not have, some resources that others did not have, which were actually given to them by luck and timing.

Electronic mind control took over the world, and the rest of us were unlucky enough not to have access to it so that we could destroy everyone else like they did, but were instead unlucky slaves and victims whose souls were destroyed while the parasites stole everything we produced, and if you’re not lucky enough to be born in the parasite class that operates the mind control system, you will never have a soul, and cannot free yourself. That’s definitely luck! Having your soul destroyed really is something you have no control over, which results from bad luck, after the soul murderers have taken over the world and suppressed everyone else’s lives and enslaved everyone, and no matter how much you’d like to ‘choose’ to ‘take action’ to liberate yourself, you can’t, because you have no soul.

MJ Demarco wrote those assumptions at the beginning of the book: he writes this book for an audience that, he assumes, lives in a country that has enough freedom that it’s possible to become wealthy and keep it, and they have property rights and anything else that’s needed. I’m talking about violating one of those assumptions, the assumption that our souls are free. In fact, I’m talking about something completely different and have gotten off topic. The concept was ‘luck.’ If ‘destruction of freedom for everybody else’ is involved in someone’s wealth, then ‘being lucky’ and ‘having the right resources at the right moment because you already had them and they were given to you’ actually is the real cause of the luck and being the ‘winner’ over everybody else. There really is such a thing as destroying the competition and preventing anyone else from trying. I am not necessarily claiming that Bill Gates did that, though – I don’t have time to analyze it right now. A person could get into the concept of ‘intellectual property rights,’ which some anarchists are opposed to. Intellectual property rights require the government to use force, which takes away the freedom of others… and I don’t have time to get into this, because I have to go to work now. Darn it.

When someone claims intellectual property, are there actual monopolies, actual things that are limited and absolute, so that you have to have these particular things, and other opportunities do not exist? This is hard to explain. But, for example, he said that ‘these particular industries lend themselves to automation’ later in the book. What if there really are particular opportunities that are objectively better than other ones, in such a way that other opportunities are limited or will never really pay off, and if you get in on the realm of the ‘best’ opportunities, then block everyone else, you really are making it impossible for anyone else to get rich? Yes, opportunities are limitless in principle, but they are not all of equal value, and some ‘realms of information’ are more objectively useful and valuable than other realms. You can forcibly block people out of particular realms of information, realms of opportunity. There are government monopolies on the supply of electricity, for instance, and local zoning laws that forbid people to do things that they could potentially do to generate their own electricity, such as building a windmill. (I won’t argue about whether windmills are good for generating electricity – they might not be – but they do generate mechanical energy.)

I’ll have to get into this later. But I might actually agree that sometimes, luck matters, and having some resources before anybody else has them matters. Those things might matter the most. They might matter a lot. They might matter a lot more than this author believes. The world might be more evil than he knows.

I have to go to work.

I’ve ordered the motorized bike; fighting a battle to be treated with the respect that I deserve

September 12, 2013

6:00 PM 9/12/2013

I’m writing during my lunch break at work, so this will be short.

I got my first paycheck after the vacation, and somehow it is all gone, and then I got my next paycheck, and I spent it on something big. I lost track of my money – I had been painstakingly keeping track of it for several weeks because of the person stealing out of my wallet, but then I lost focus for a variety of reasons. So now I don’t have enough money left to buy food for this entire week, and it’s pretty bad. I have, like, $20 in my bank account, and this is Thursday, so I have to go on $20 until next Wednesday. I’m going to eat a lot of McDonald’s food.

I bought the engine kit for the motorized bike. I don’t yet know which bike I will put it on. Most likely, it won’t fit on either of the two bikes that I have, from what I have been told and from what I have read. I may have to get another bike, and have considered buying a cheap one off Craigslist.

The motors are unreliable and junky, so I will not drive very far from civilization. I will just use it to get to work and around town. If it dies, I will have to push it somewhere, and it will be heavier than a motorless bike.

I have been fighting a battle with Rick. He does not want to forgive me or change his perceptions of me. He thinks that I am a raving lunatic, rather than a mostly-sane person who has problems that, in the big scheme of things, are not as horrible as they could be. I’m still able to work, and I have been able to keep this job for many years, which is a sign that I’m functioning well enough to interact with people in public, so I cannot be too much of a raving lunatic. He doesn’t want to treat me with any respect at all and does not want to communicate with me in a calm, mature way. It might seem easy and obvious to everyone else that I should just instantly forget about him forever and move on, but, for reasons which I have explained many times, this is not easy for me to do. It would be so much easier if I could just forget about him and move on and find someone else.

I’m going to be anxious all this week while I wait for the next paycheck. Also, I need to start carefully keeping track of my money again. I need to set up the piece of paper that it’s on. I have a new wallet because of the decon, and the new wallet is sort of badly designed, in my opinion, and hard to use, not as good as my old wallet. I could make my own wallet out of duct tape – I’ve seen people do that, and I love duct tape (that is, in the non-primitive tools category). Duct tape can be used for sculpting. Anyway, because of the new wallet, it’s inconvenient for me to get out the paper and pen that I’ve been keeping my records on, and I’ll need to find out a way to do that.

I’m still reading The Millionaire Fastlane, although I’ve read it once already. I need to keep reading it and absorbing it. Right now, I’m just going to apply for a second job. I have several applications and started to fill them out, but couldn’t finish because I had to get some information off my computer, and I temporarily broke something on my computer so that I couldn’t use it, so that I would stop talking to Rick (I cut the netbook’s power cord with a knife so I couldn’t plug it in). So I had to go out and buy a new power cord for the netbook, and it was expensive, and that’s one reason why I don’t have any money. I have to get the information off the netbook and put it on paper again so I can finish filling out my job applications.

But that is only a temporary ‘get rich quick’ project. Getting two jobs and working a million hours is not the real way to get rich. I’m understanding the principles of the book – he talks about which industries best lend themselves to automation, so that you can set up some kind of system and then let it run itself while it makes money for you. You have to disconnect your expenditure of time from the process of making money. If your hours of work are what generates your money, you cannot get rich that way.

I really like the concept of a ‘brand’ versus a ‘commodity,’ in that book. A commodity is just another business producing just another thing. A brand is a name that people remember because it gives them something special above and beyond what the other businesses are providing.

I don’t have enough time to write now. It’s very frustrating to try to reconcile with Rick and ask him to treat me with respect like a human being. He seems to be totally incapable of changing his perception of me and incapable of understanding that I am just a human being worthy of respect like everyone else. I need to reach some kind of understanding or acceptance in order to decide where to direct my energies. I have to direct my energies towards finding a husband, and can’t do that whenever I have this conflict with Rick that won’t go away. But I’ll have to talk about it later.

My motorized bike is on the way soon. It will take a while to get it put together and running, and then it will be flaky and unreliable, sort of like a Dodge or a Chevrolet or some other American car. It’s like that, badly made cheap garbage with terrible quality. Still, that is what I have ordered, and I know what to expect. It will be a learning experience.

Reading ‘The Millionaire Fastlane’ by MJ DeMarco

September 9, 2013

This is a long and rambling post written a week ago, and it’s nowhere near done yet.  I’m processing this book.  There’s a guy who often sits at the McD where I work, and he recommended this book for me.

http://dropoff.dreamhosters.com/themillionairefastlanepdf.pdf

Edit: I was TOTALLY OBSESSED with food while writing this.  No matter what I was talking about, I ended up going back to the subject of food.  That was because I had been sick and hadn’t eaten anything that day.

9:39 PM 9/2/2013

I’m reading a book called The Millionaire Fastlane. Several times now I’ve wanted to write down my reactions to this book so that I could understand it better. This is just a jumble of incomplete ideas, questions, or disagreements that I am processing.

The slow lane: Dad retired early in the slowlane. He had a high intrinsic value, in the slowlane equation. He was a doctor. He also reduced expenses and avoided buying things we didn’t need. Over the years his savings and investments were enough that he could retire somewhat early, in his early 50s, and live off the investment income. He gave us that book, ‘Your Money Or Your Life,’ which talks about living off investment income. It’s a very good slowlane book.

But YMOYL is slowlane, and it did not question the assumptions of the slowlane equations or make them explicit. This book, TMF (The Millionaire Fastlane) makes explicit the equations of wealth in each ‘lane.’

TMF p.11. ‘This dictation is a decree to trade life for life.’ Yes, but you don’t have to be so extreme as to go all the way to age 65. You can retire earlier than that if you live without big things that other people think they need. You can reduce the slowlane up to a point if you live without nonessential things, especially if you increase the intrinsic value part of the equation (your wages per hour, your intrinsic value as an employee, your salary, whatever you get paid per unit of time).

p.12. Live richly today while young, and decades before standard norms of retirement. Richly? What does that mean? Why do you have to have expensive things? Why not just a few essential things, and then, the goal of being rich is merely to stop working at a job? There are ways that you can stop working at a job for long periods of time, or temporarily, or many decades earlier by saving. It isn’t all just one single lane with no variations. You could save up a lot of money and then take off work for a couple of months, which is what I wanted to do. During those couple of months off work, you could do some other project that requires a lot of contiguous free time. To me, that’s living richly, and I can do that now while young and working at McDonald’s. I’m gonna get a motorized bike so I won’t be tired from going up the mountain, and then I’ll get a second job. It’s not just all one option: retire at 65, period, no other options. He doesn’t fully portray the variety of ways to live in the slowlane, and live better. HE portrays the worst case scenario as the only scenario. Not all slowlane strategies ask you to retire at age 65.

However, I agree: those that do are fools making a huge mistake and wasting their life. If you are actually planning to follow the path and retire at age 65, then yes, you are wasting life. There are some people who do that, but I am not one of them. I never was. I have already been questioning ‘the path’ for many decades now. Perhaps it began when Dad said that he hated his job and wanted to save up enough money to retire early. Perhaps it began when I got out on my own, after dropping out of college, and realized that I hated working in grocery stores and fast food and didn’t want to do this forever, but also didn’t want to borrow tens of thousands of dollars to go back to school without being guaranteed ‘a job’ afterwards.

I knew it when I was in college. I realized that merely getting a college degree wasn’t enough. Just getting a college degree is a way to ‘increase your intrinsic value to your employer,’ in the language of TMF, but to me, it was just a piece of paper that was able to convince other people that I was smart and able to do my job. I already know that I’m smart and able to do things, whatever I need to learn how to do. I don’t like credentials. There are so many people who get the piece of paper, while lying and cheating on their tests, or by going to a crappy school with low expectations, or by being blindly obedient and memorizing everything for the tests without actually understanding a word of it. I knew people who were able to just memorize text and spit it back out on a test. They weren’t able to do it on questions that required you to understand and apply the knowledge to a new situation, but they could do it on a test that asked them exactly the same question that they had studied in advance. And those people were able to get exactly the same piece of paper that I would have gotten, the same diploma, which wouldn’t describe the differences in their way of learning versus my way of learning. If an employer looked at that piece of paper, they wouldn’t know that this was a person who had merely memorized the verbal text out of a book and then spit it back out on a test that asked them exactly the same question that they had studied, versus me, with the same diploma, the same piece of paper, the same credential, and when I studied for a test, I tried to actually understand the material well enough that I could apply it to some other situation instead of just the exact same situation that occurred in the book or the study materials or whatever.

Those are the people who succeeded in the slowlane. They just kept going, memorizing their lines and spitting them back out. They got their diplomas, and they got their jobs, and now they are following the path and planning to retire in their sixties. They don’t seem to mind going to work every day. They don’t do drastic things to cut their expenses either, like selling their house. Instead, they feel they have to have a ‘nice’ house, instead of the smallest and simplest cheapest cottage that they can find, because they feel that ‘impressing other people with our wealth’ is one of the social duties that they are required to do along with everything else on their slowlane. They don’t research ways to live off-the-grid in an RV year round, for instance, which is one of the things I’ve looked into.

So, ever since college, and maybe since high school, I’ve realized that other people had a way of doing things that I disagreed with. I can think of specific people whose way of learning and entire way of doing things annoyed me. It’s probably socionic. The TMF author is talking about those people.

I am probably more of a ‘sidewalker’ in his book. I’m the person who’s always ‘one paycheck away from broke’ or whatever. One disaster, and I’m done. The past 15 years of my life have been lived that way – one disaster, and everything that I’ve been trying to accomplish is totally destroyed. I have some bits of slowlane behavior, cutting expenses, avoiding debt, looking for ways to live without spending so much. But I’ve never increased my income except during the years when I worked doing data entry for the temp agencies.

So I’ve sort of been trying to just get off the sidewalk without increasing my intrinsic value in the equation – or wait, I forget what the sidewalk equation is. I’ll have to look at it again. I’m using the ‘make huge, drastic lifestyle changes, such as living in a tent as a squatter, in order to drastically reduce expenses, so that you can save more money without increasing your income and without working extra hours at a second job.’ I’m living that way now. I have one job, but yet, I almost never have any financial emergencies. I couldn’t pay for anything big if I had to, but also, I never really run out of money either. I run out of money in sort of a non-emergency way, as in, maybe I have only $12 to buy food until my next paycheck, or something, but that’s okay, I’ll just not eat very much, or get free food at work.

Is that the lifestyle I want? No, not really, which is why I’m reading and processing this book. If I were able to actually become wealthy very quickly by using the principles in this book, then I would gladly do it.

p.12: ‘The translation? STOP!’ This is kind of a difficult part of the book for me. I’m inclined to take it literally, as in, stop right now. Yes, I could just walk off the job today. I can imagine people reading this book, shutting the book at this page, and going and telling their employer (oh, what’s that phrase? I can’t remember!) goodbye. Take this job and shove it! Ha ha, that’s it. Right this very instant. So when he says, ‘STOP,’ that makes me anxious, because I have actually ‘stopped’ several times in the past.

Mostly, I would quit things because of health problems, but when I was young, I didn’t realize that that was why. For example, I quit my job at Giant Foods because I was taking antibiotics. I remembered this recently because I read an article on Natural News that talked about how several common drugs can cause chronic fatigue, including antibiotics. I took an antibiotic for a bladder infection (bladder infections were one of those things that I used to get as a result of sexual activity), and ended up quitting my job. I didn’t know what was happening. I just felt so horrible, and felt worse and worse, borderline suicidal. I continued trying to go to work, but felt so horribly sad and depressed, and I was walking around work with a horrible expression on my face, openly miserable and no longer trying to hide it. You *know* something is *very*, very wrong with me if I am openly expressing my misery on my face and in my posture and not even trying to hide it. I usually try to act cheerful at the very least, and I was not even trying to be cheerful. Finally one morning, on impulse, I called them on the phone and told them that I could not come in to work, and I might as well also say that I’m not coming in ever again. I don’t remember how I worded it, but I quit my job at the same time that I called off sick.

This was a mistake. I had not planned in advance to deliberately quit my job, and I had no plans for what I was going to do next, or how to avoid getting stuck in a job as miserable as that one. But I quit the job impulsively because I was having a bad reaction to the antibiotics I was taking. A physical health problem triggered a major life change that was unplanned.

After that, I started working for the temp agencies. I wanted to do something very different from what I had been doing. I didn’t want to work in a grocery store, and even though I had dropped out of college, I knew that I was smart enough to at least do *something* better than what I was doing. So I started learning to use computer programs. I went to the temp agencies and a couple other places and learned the skills of using things like Excel, MS Word, Access, and other programs, and then, I did actually start working temp jobs using those programs. However, that caused a lot of problems too, because the temp jobs would end and I could not just immediately jump into the next one. I needed a second job that would always be there.

Meanwhile, I had other health problems and money problems, over and over again, and went into debt on credit cards. I had periods of unemployment. I had a physical illness that caused me to quit my temp job. I developed chronic fatigue. I started using antidepressants and other herbal drugs. And that led to my disaster that ruined many years of my life, the herbal drug residue disaster, after I grew herbal drugs in my apartment and contaminated my belongings. That is where I have been and what I am coming out of. I have lived on the ‘sidewalk’ in TMF’s terminology all of this time, always one disaster away from broke.

So when he says, ‘STOP!’ I get anxious. I have, actually, ‘stopped’ before. I’ve spontaneously quit several jobs. Then I would go a period of time unemployed and borrowing money on my credit cards to pay the bills and buy food. A poorly planned, sudden, impulsive ‘stop’ is tempting, yet dangerous. I could do it again. I could stop right now. This time, I wouldn’t have to use credit cards to pay my rent and utility bills, because I don’t have any. I’d just have to get food, and that’s all. Food is my only expense, but I *could* start learning to hunt and forage. There is, actually, enough wilderness here to support the subsistence of one female human. I could wander from mountain to mountain hunting deer and drying out the meat to save it for later. I could actually ‘stop’ right now. And I want to. I’m really tempted to.

I could even go the mainstream way of hunting deer with a rifle and paying for a hunting license. I could start off that way. It’s highly effective and easy. It’s so easy that I know I could do it. The ease of hunting animals with rifles is the reason why it’s so popular. I feel that it’s unfairly easy, actually, and I have always wanted to learn to hunt with stone age weapons and methods instead. However, one ‘stone age’ method that I considered was gathering a pile of apples and then waiting for the deer to eat the apples, then shooting the deer. That’s a trap, and it’s easy, and there’s nothing high-tech about it. Baiting animals is illegal, but no one would have to know that I was doing it, if I had a bow and arrow that would be silent. No one would hear me shoot. Or I could use some other type of trap instead of a bow and arrow or atlatl. I already know that I could start doing these things, and I want to.

So I am torn in different directions. I really want to invest more time and energy into learning subsistence skills. I really, really do. I have been drawn towards that all of my life. This TMF book is the opposite of that. It’s not merely the opposite, it’s the diametrical, polar, absolute, total opposite. This book says, embrace the modern world, embrace the modern money system, take advantage of the money system, take advantage of the wealth disparity, seize what’s out there and do what you can do.

How can I reconcile these desires? I do, actually, have a lot of plans and desires and ideas that can only be implemented by using large amounts of money. For instance, I’d like to buy a whole bunch of land – not just one piece of land, but many, ever-increasing pieces of land, and just keep buying more of it, nonstop, until I take over the world and own the whole world and can do with it what I want to do with it. I want a huge territory of land and I want to bring people there to live the way that I want them to live, instead of the way that our society wants them to live. I can’t do that without money.

But my instincts, my body, cries out to me as I walk down the street and I see that there are fallen acorns getting crushed beneath my feet on the sidewalk. I want to bend down and pick up the acorns. I have to physically resist the urge to do this. How can you walk over the acorns and ignore them and not pick them up? I want to get a bag, or a basket, and walk all over town picking up every fallen acorn and keeping it. It physically hurts me *not* to do this.

Obeying that instinct, or obeying my larger visions of buying territory for my people – obeying the urge to pick up acorns off the ground will *never* make me wealthy.

But I have, actually, had the urge to ‘stop’ working at McDonald’s, work fewer hours, cut back my work week again, and I’d want to pick up the fall harvest now while I can. It’s starting to fall – the acorns and walnuts are falling now. There are still pears falling off the trees too – they’re not all gone yet, and I like pears enough that I’d be happy to save them and dry them out and keep them. I can still get the apples, too, and try to make vinegar as an experiment. Most apples are inedible! They are so sour and disgusting that you can’t even swallow one bite.

If I follow this path, what will happen to me? I won’t have the money to get my dental fillings removed, I don’t think. I need to buy a dental drill. I still have just a couple things left that require money.

What would I do? Well, eventually the fall harvest would end. I’d have big bags and baskets full of nuts and fruits that all needed to be processed. I’m uncertain about the nuts – I’ve read that they might spoil over time. I don’t know how that works. In real life, if I were doing this, I’d need to save up enough to last me halfway through next year. I’ve seen the winter, now, and I know how long it is. Winter lasts until July! This place is a barren wasteland devoid of life until July or so, when, finally, just barely, things start to wake up again, and maybe, just maybe, it might be possible to start hunting and foraging again. I’m only slightly exaggerating. Winter was terrible, and it lasted forever, and when you gather nuts for the winter, you must assume that you’ve got enough food to last until *July*.

You also have to know how to eat tree bark and other things that you don’t normally eat during the warm seasons. I don’t know how to do that yet. I’ve only heard that it’s possible.

I’d have to process all of those foods so that they wouldn’t spoil. That would take time to do. There would be a lot more work. I’d be doing it all by myself, for the time being. I can’t wait to gather the ripe pawpaws. I’ve never eaten one before and can’t wait to see what it’s like. They’re probably disgusting, but there are a lot of people who claim that they’re great. Pawpaws are a native American fruit.

I’m thinking about food because I didn’t eat today. I got a stomach virus. I’ve heard rumors that a vomit virus was going around, which always happens when the students come back. Mass migrations of huge numbers of people always bring the norovirus from other towns – ALWAYS – every year at the same time, when students come back to the college. So, last night I was riding my bike home, and I was on College Avenue, right next to that last building before the official ‘town’ ends, that student residence building with that weird, ugly, architectural decoration thingy up near the top (it’s just some weirdly shaped decorative object that has no name in my vocabulary, some kind of sculpture-like thing on the building). All of a sudden, I smelled vomit perfectly clearly and strongly, while riding my bike, as though someone had vomited just recently on the road or the sidewalk, and I had either ridden right past it, or through it. If you only inhale the smell of vomit, you catch the norovirus.

So, when I woke up this morning, I felt my intestines moving around in a familiar, recognizable, uncomfortable way that I knew would inevitably lead to vomiting. I felt like I was about to have diarrhea, and if I did, I would vomit simultaneously. But instead, I did the EFT/TFT tapping to soothe my anxiety, and I never did vomit. Eventually I went back to sleep. I just didn’t eat or drink anything until this afternoon. Then I was okay.

That’s why I’m obsessed with food now. I was supposed to be reading TMF and writing my reactions to it, word by word, paragraph by paragraph.

p.12: ‘In essence, you have to unlearn what you have learned.’ No, not really, not for me. I never did completely fall for the slowlane belief system. I was never fully embedded into it. But I do have to unlearn some negative beliefs that say ‘I can’t.’ It’s not possible for me to do this or that.

I have learned negative beliefs over the past few decades of my life, over my entire life. I learned that I was never capable of doing a long-term project that required delayed gratification with no immediate payoff. If I did try to do anything that required delayed gratification, I was never certain that my actions would lead to a payoff eventually, because I was becoming aware that sometimes, those actions did *not* automatically guarantee a payoff. I started hearing rumors about how people would graduate from college and still not be able to get a job, or not know how. You don’t just graduate from college and then go into another pre-planned, pre-arranged pathway where your job is given to you and guaranteed. This isn’t a communist society. Nobody hands it to you and tells you what to do. So I didn’t know whether finishing college in my particular major would actually ‘pay off’ or not. That uncertainty made me unwilling to do *anything* that required years and years of delayed gratification without any payoff.

This book, even though it talks about getting rich ‘quickly,’ is still not talking about getting rich quickly enough for my mind to conceive of. Quickly means, fewer than 5 decades. You might get rich in one decade instead of five. You might get rich in five years. Believe it or not, five years is still way too long of a timespan for me to do any kind of project with delayed gratification and no certain guarantee of success. I see myself working on some project for five years, only to find that it’s giving me failure after failure after failure after failure, or just a very small trickle of a payoff instead of a large payoff. So his word ‘quickly’ is still too long of a time for me to conceive of.

That is why I think of ‘get rich quick’ in terms of ‘events,’ as he says in this book. An ‘event’ is where one thing happens all of a sudden out of nowhere, with nothing leading up to it. You get rich suddenly by playing the lottery and getting the winning number. You get rich suddenly if, heaven forbid, your parents die and you inherit their wealth, and I know that will happen to me, too, sooner or later, and I am praying that it is much later, because I still want my mother and father to meet their grandchildren. But anyway, an event happens all of a sudden. There was never a time when you were doing something without a payoff. But even choosing to play the lottery over and over again is part of a process with no payoff. You can’t win if you don’t play. Even the lottery is more of a ‘process’ than what I myself am doing.

Let me emphasize this: I’M NOT EVEN PLAYING THE LOTTERY. In fact, I forbid myself to play the lottery. The guy who gave me this book is, actually, playing the lottery. I don’t believe in playing the lottery because I believe that the chances of payoff are so small that it doesn’t even justify the small amount of money spent to buy the tickets, and also, the government runs the lottery, and I don’t like giving money to the government. I don’t believe in it. I believe it is actually *wrong* to play the lottery.

But anyway, unlearn what you learned. I learned in the past that I was not capable of sticking with a zero-payoff project for years and years at a time. However, perhaps things have changed since then. Perhaps I am more mature now. Perhaps I have more control now. Perhaps I am less ADHD than I was as a child. Perhaps I know some of the causes of my health problems that disrupted long-term projects that I attempted to do in the past. I’ve always abandoned long-term zero-payoff projects for various reasons, and simply cannot force myself to do them. But maybe, just maybe, something has changed since then, and maybe, maybe I’ve gotten rid of some of the things that caused me to abandon projects that I attempted in the past. Maybe I could unlearn this fact about myself, this weakness, this disability that I have, being unable to focus on a long-term, five-year, zero-payoff project which might, or might not, fail or succeed five years from now.

I am very aware that this is socionic. The author of this book is an ILE type (as is the guy who gave me the book), and he’s using his intuition function, +Ne/-Ni, which is my role function (written in Model B as -Ni/+Ne, and I still don’t know why it’s in a different order), a weakness. When you use a weak function like your role function, you have to follow rigid rules because you’re not smart enough in that particular function to make fast, ever-changing choices that respond to the situation. You can only just try to slowly, slowly follow some kind of rule or social norm.

Could it be possible for me to get rich using these methods and norms in this book? Could I successfully follow these norms, without being as fast and responsive as the author? Maybe I wouldn’t be as great as he is, but could I be better than I am now?

My past experiences with using Ne were very random and scattered. I would have been one of the ‘scattered’ people that he describes in this book. There are people who try to get rich quick by doing one thing one week, and another new thing the next week, over and over for eternity. Every week, it’s another new thing. My intuition is like that. I’d list a million possible ideas, but not be able to choose one and actually go through with it. If I tried to go through with it, I might try it for a couple of hours. If I was really, really determined, I might go through with it for a couple of days, or a couple of weeks.

I have an example. Many years ago, after dropping out of school and living in an apartment for a while, I tried to learn German. I did it for fun. I had learned a bit of German in college. I think it began when I was surfing the net and found a poem by Rilke. There was this one particular translation of the poem that I really liked, but when I looked at other translations of that poem, they were terrible, they sucked, they didn’t capture the feeling that this one particular translation captured. I don’t remember who did that translation, and I’ve tried a couple times to find it since then.

But I wanted to know *how* to produce that one magical translation that somehow captured the feeling that this poem had captured. I don’t even remember the exact words of the poem, and I no longer have a copy of it – if it’s anywhere, it’s on my other PC computer, which is in West Virginia in storage. But it was something like this:

I am like a flag unfurled in space,
I feel the winds while the earth below is quiet and still
I see the storm when it has not yet reached us….

I can’t remember the words. It’s something about being a flag that ripples in the wind, when nobody in the streets below can see the storm that is approaching. Somehow, that particular poem moved me, at that moment, and all the other translations of it were awful and they did nothing for me. Someone must have translated it more loosely, more poetically, maybe adding or subtracting something of their own, maybe changing the poem a little bit, saying something that wasn’t in the original. None of the other translations said anything that even remotely resembled the words ‘unfurled in space.’ Nothing like that at all. That had to be something creatively added by the translator.

If I looked at the original poem, could I see any word that meant the same thing as ‘unfurled?’ I think I tried to look for it but couldn’t find it. But yet, this less true, less accurate, more creative translation was the one I liked most out of all the translations that were more true and direct. A poem is meant to make you feel something. It’s not life or death important for it to say *exactly* the same thing that the original poem said, as long as it accomplishes the goal of making you feel something. In situations where it *is* important to convey the exact same information, then yes, you have to translate it exactly and be very careful. But with a poem, perhaps you could just give a little disclaimer saying that these poems are a bit different than they were originally, maybe, and then be done with it. But that would make me want to tell the translator that they ought to be writing their own poems and saying, ‘this poem was inspired by X’ instead of making slightly-altered poems that were an inexact translation.

So anyway, that led to my spontaneously, impulsively buying this big thing from Barnes & Noble. It was a big teach-yourself-German kit, with audio CDs and books. I started working on this kit over a period of weeks. I used to sit in the recliner chair, always in that same place, and sit with my books and materials and headphones with me as I worked my way through this kit. I would painstakingly write the German words on paper by hand for practice. I was conscientious, thorough, and perfectionistic.

Do you know what finally ruined it? Herbal drug residues. But this time, it wasn’t the same stuff that I was fighting later on. It was just poison ivy. My then-boyfriend and I took a walk by the duckpond, where I lived at the time. There is this type of tree that has leaves that look exactly like poison ivy. I still, to this day, don’t know the name of that tree, but have seen it many times (*edit: box elder – googled it!*). I wanted to prove to my boyfriend that this tree wasn’t actually poison ivy, so I pulled off a few leaves and rubbed them on my skin. But my memory is bad, because I think I must have done another test with another plant that really was poison ivy and wasn’t this tree that we were talking about, because I did, actually, give myself poison ivy. It was extremely severe and it was all heavily concentrated into that one small spot where I had directly rubbed the leaf against my skin.

Well, after that, I spread the poison ivy to that blue recliner that I used to sit on while studying German. It was on my leg, and on my clothing, and I got it onto the chair. Soon, every time I sat down to study German, I would start getting the poison ivy on my legs again. It became intolerable to sit there and study German. Eventually, I used a rug doctor vacuum to shampoo the recliner, which sort of fixed it. Poison ivy is, fortunately, an herbal drug residue that is relatively easy to wash out. When you wash it out, it does actually go away, and you can wear your clothes again without having a reaction. You might have to wash it more than once, but it’s a finite number of washes, unlike ephedra residue.

But even so, that disrupted my German study, and I never went back to it. Why didn’t I ever pick it up again? I think, actually, I even had some poison ivy on my pieces of paper, and on the CD player that I was listening to. I think it bothered me to have to get rid of the pieces of paper that I had been writing on. Back then, I kept everything. I kept my papers. I never threw anything away, and it bothered me greatly to throw anything away. I would have been very disturbed by the fact that my German studying materials were now ‘imperfect’ and that I could no longer touch the pieces of paper without getting poison ivy.

A contamination incident really teaches you the lesson, ‘attachment leads to suffering.’ This lesson was brutally beaten into my head a hundred million times over the past couple of years.

For whatever reason, I did not try to continue studying German again after that.

And maybe I was unemployed at the time, too. I don’t remember. Maybe I was between jobs. I might have been working the temp jobs at that time. If I was, then, if I got another temp job, I would have had less time sitting at home to study. It’s quite possible that that’s the real reason why I never really picked up the German study again. I had to go back to work again. I know that I was always getting temp jobs and losing them, or getting a permanent job and then getting laid off, during that time period. My life was unstable because of unstable employment, and I’m guessing that that’s probably the real reason why my studies were abandoned. I just don’t remember well enough to be sure. I know that it was greatly disrupted by the poison ivy incident and I was never very enthusiastic about it after that.

I did learn and come to believe that spending too much time working at a job was harmful to my progress and development. I could not develop hobbies or spend much time learning, studying, or working on projects because I had to spend all my time at work.

So, I have many years of bad experiences, a variety of bad experiences, where I tried to start long-term projects and then gave up on them. I also used drugs, and when I took drugs, I was much more willing to start what I call the ‘Unsustainable Manic Projects,’ anything that would require a large amount of time and resources and was too large and complicated to complete in a couple of days for immediate payoff. Anything that big was risky. It could fail so easily in so many ways if I didn’t stick to it completely and totally at the expense of everything else in my existence. I could not even waste a single drop of my willpower on projects like cooking food for myself, if I were going to complete another long-term zero-payoff complex vulnerable project. The only way I could do such a project was if I didn’t have to worry about any household chores at all, if I didn’t have to cook for myself or clean or go shopping, if I didn’t have to do the laundry, if I didn’t have to show up for work every day. It *could* be possible, but I am not exaggerating: EVERY DROP OF MY WILL MUST BE TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY DEVOTED TO THIS ONE THING AND ONLY THIS FOREVER ALL DAY LONG, from the moment I wake up till the moment I go to bed.

So if I were to do something like that now, I would have to hire someone to cook and run errands for me and bring me my food. I wouldn’t even want to have to go out of the house just to pick the food up – they would have to deliver it. They would have to do my laundry for me too.

But yes… it could be done. If I met that condition, that criteria, if I had that helper, that slave, doing every little thing for me and feeding me, then I could indeed devote every waking hour to a project, a get rich quick project, intended to have a large payoff in fewer than ten years, or hopefully more like five years.

p.13: ‘What you think of the Fastlane doesn’t change my reality; its purpose is to change yours.’ I understand. I’m not one of the haters, I’m just one of the hesitant, reluctant doubters who isn’t really sure if I can do it, and will require a lot of encouragement. I’m not going to ‘hate on’ the Fastlane concept. I admire it. I just can’t embrace it quickly and confidently and start applying it to my life right now. It will take a lot of help.

p.13: He made a million dollars in five years. He retired at age 37.
‘If your dreams have
lost probability it’s possible “Get Rich Slow” has killed them. “Get Rich Slow” criminally asks you to trade your freedom for freedom. It’s an insanely outrageous barter and a dream destroyer.’

Processing. What? I’ve read the whole book to the end already, so I know this. You trade freedom for freedom. Well, he talks about that later. You trade five days of your freedom during the work week, in exchange for two days of freedom on the weekends. You give up five days of freedom, and receive a payment of two days of freedom. I still don’t get it. Is that really what’s going on? Is that really happening? What does actually literally happen? You work five days, yes. I’ve worked three days a week in the past, which was the minimum I could afford, and was vulnerable to losing money during those times. It helped if I had two jobs during those three days a week. I traded three days for four days off. I liked that. I want to live that way again. I’d need to make an arrangement with my McD schedule, and apply for a second job. Applying for the second job is the hard part. I’ll wait till I get my motorized bicycle. I don’t want to be so exhausted going to work.

Are you really trading five days for two days, though? Is that actually what’s happening? It’s more than that. It’s more complicated. You’re not actually ‘trading’ them. You could work fewer than five days, except… it’s just not normally done. In particular sorts of jobs, like office jobs, temp jobs, I was rigidly expected to follow a particular schedule, and I could not change that schedule, which is why I like working at McDonald’s – I can work whenever I want to, at McD. But in office jobs, where I made higher hourly wages, I was expected to work this rigid, fixed, inflexible schedule. Every day, no matter what, I had to come in at, say, 8:00 AM and stay till 5:00 PM, or 4:30, or whatever. It was very hard for me, because I had physical illnesses and other problems, at that time. For instance I would always be extremely hungry at work, and have to go to the bathroom a lot, so I was always getting up from my chair. Being hungry while trapped at work was intolerable. I didn’t have a high-fat, high-protein breakfast during that time period, which was why I was hungry at work.

I wasn’t able to cook for myself when I got home from work – it was too hard, too tiring. I’d probably think it was easy nowadays because I’ve done so much. In fact, yes, it would be easy, if I really were working only three days a week. It’d be easy if I had a refrigerator and stove, which I don’t have now. Why wasn’t it easy? Last time, when I lived in the Bellefonte apartment, I ruined the fridge with bone marrow vapors. That’s another story. Something like that can make it impossible to cook. That was so severely traumatic that I could not even begin to try to cook for myself again, and I just had *no free time*. When you work so many hours and use so much caffeine and so many drugs, you just have no willpower left to even take care of yourself at home. It’s not even that the job is so exhausting. It could be a sit-down office job.

But for some reason, sitting there at work all day long totally destroys all of your will, so that you cannot come home and go into the kitchen and get out the food and prepare meals for yourself.

What does it do to you? What does it do to your brain, your will, your energy? Why wasn’t I ever able to come home from work and cook for myself? I feel like it would be so easy to do if only I lived in an apartment again. I know it’s impossible for me to cook here because I’m living in the woods and have no stove and no fridge or freezer, and I don’t light fires here.

But that must not be true. It must be a lie. It must be an unrealistic fantasy. It must not be true that if I worked in an office again, and lived in an apartment again, struggling to pay the rent every month, with a fridge and a stove of my own – it must be *false* that I would be able to easily come home from work and easily start cooking my own food every night. Why?

What do I remember from then? I remember that cooking felt pointless, because cooking was a short-term need that did not advance my life. I remember regretting the time I spent cooking, because I wanted to spend that time doing something that would make permanent progress, permanent change in my life. I could, however, fool around on the internet easily, even though that too wasted time. But not cooking.

And yet, I have always been obsessed with food, always loved cooking, and always wanted to feel as though it was safe and okay to waste time on something as trivial and short-term as cooking. If only I were *safe*, I could waste time on something like cooking. But the urgency of life requires that I must spend all of my time on some other thing, something that leads to permanent progress in my life. I would become desperate to escape once again.

If I went back to an apartment, and back to an office job or two jobs or temp jobs, I would become desperate to escape once again. I would be desperately thinking of how the hell could I get out of here, out of this nine-to-five routine again, and I wouldn’t want to waste a single second of my time on cooking, even though I love cooking, I love food, I’m fascinated with it, I’ve always been, and I desperately want to spend more of my energy doing something I enjoy that is important to me, but unprofitable. Cooking, I know, will not make me get rich right now. It will not free me from my slavery. I knew I was a slave, even though I was making more money than I make now. I feel like I have more freedom now, but less money, and the food I eat is *terrible* now. In the past, I was still able to keep some frozen food in my freezer and eat healthy food intermittently, I just couldn’t cook for myself consistently all the time. And I didn’t know how desperately I needed to eat healthy fats, either. I didn’t know that I had to eat a huge breakfast full of meat and fat, in order to survive a long, starving work day where you are not allowed to leave your desk until lunchtime, which is never soon enough for me. You have to eat on schedule! You’re not allowed to just eat whenever you want, whenever you want. Was I allowed to eat at my desk at those jobs? I don’t remember! Maybe snacks? I don’t remember…

But eating all day long was extremely important to me, and it was one reason why I felt so enslaved and so frustrated working in office jobs. I could not sit at a desk for hours and hours all day long without eating something. I could not just wait until noon, or whenever, to go for a brief hour lunch break, and then come back. An hour was barely long enough, and some places made you go for only half an hour. McD only gives you a half hour.

I’m slowly looking at this, trying to remember, in sort of a daze, trying to understand why it was so hard for me to live back then. With the way I’m living now, it seems like it would have been so easy, but that might be wrong! It might not be true. I might have forgotten the reasons why it’s so hard to exist when you have a high-paying office job where you sit down all day, and you shouldn’t be physically exhausted. I had health problems that I didn’t understand back then, too. And I hated getting up early in the morning, because I was the victim of electronic harassment, which always makes it hard to sleep. I never get enough sleep and cannot get up early. I was always wishing, and postponing, a project to build a shield.

How do you run errands on that schedule? How can you go shopping or make phone calls to places that are only open on weekdays from 9 to 5, at the exact same time that you yourself are also working on weekdays from 9 to 5? How do people fit it in? They fit it in those couple of free moments between this and that, somehow. I hate that. I can’t live that way. I can’t spend the precious minutes of my *lunch hour* trying to rush someplace to run an errand that can only be run on a weekday because they’re closed the rest of the time. I can’t waste the precious minutes of my *weekend* when I need to 1. relax and recover, 2. have fun, 3. cook and do chores, 4. make some kind of permanent, irreversible progress that will advance my life so that I can get out of this hell hole.

I’m remembering. I remember. It was horrible.

And how about dating, and socializing? When I was a child in school, I had enough free time that I could play with other children and be with my friends. But I can’t do that now, and I don’t have any friends. And I don’t want to be friends with these people who surround me. I look at them, and don’t want to waste the precious minutes of my free time with those people. They don’t understand. They don’t get it. Many of them are happy, settled, contented Slowlaners. They didn’t have health problems or disasters, they weren’t attacked and incapacitated by electronic weapons, they were *able* to get on the slowlane and stay there and succeed in the slowlane. They have 9-to-5 office jobs that make a lot of money five days a week.

Why five days a week? Why does it have to be this exact rigid schedule? What kinds of businesses do that? Why is it exactly that amount, no more and no less, before they become uncompetitive? Why must they produce exactly X units of their product, instead of X+Y or X-Y units? Why five days instead of four days, or six days? Why can’t they just produce a little bit more, or a little bit less, but still be competitive?

They rent the land that their office is on. They must pay the rent. If that office sits there empty with no one working in it, they are not profitable enough to pay the rent on the office. And don’t get me started: I *hate* the entire system that requires people to pay rent on their land. I am an anti-land-ownership anarchist! And this makes me even more so, after thinking about this!

Why do you have to ‘come to an office and sit’ in order to do your job? There are desk jobs where there is no reason whatsoever that you should ever have to physically go to an office and sit. You’re not sitting in a factory operating a machine. If you have a computer, and if that’s the ‘machine’ that you’re ‘operating,’ you could use your own computer at home for most things, because the stuff they do isn’t high-tech and doesn’t require an expensive supercomputer. I remember from my office jobs that the tasks I had to do on the computer were so basic that I could have done them on any computer, anywhere.

BUT WHY!!!! I could have asked them, ‘Hey, would you let me work at home, if I took these papers that I’m supposed to type into the computer, and just typed them in from home?’ Could you set up the database so it lets me get into it over the internet? Could I do my work on a disk or something? Couldn’t we somehow make an arrangement where I could do this job from home? I’m thinking of one particular job, State of the Art, Inc.

That was a government job. It didn’t HAVE to be competitive. They could be rigid and traditional because they could afford it. They got GOVERNMENT MONEY. I remember the government jobs. They would always tell me that they would require government to pay higher prices than the prices they asked of all their other customers, because they can! If the government wrote to us asking for a quote on a particular type of chip resistor, we would charge them more money for it than we would charge our non-government customers. The government can afford anything. All you have to do is have the government paying you, whether directly or indirectly, and you can afford to be sloppy, rigid, and uncompetitive.

And they do this ‘layoff’ thing. I remember asking them, ‘Hey, couldn’t I just take a huge pay cut? Couldn’t I do this? Couldn’t I just do that?’ And they were too stupid! It was unthinkable! They thought it would be ‘unfair’ to ‘allow’ some particular individual to take a huge paycut, while some other individual got laid off – and I can imagine those types of individuals, too – I’ve heard them before – they get all angry if I can do something they can’t do because they’re living a rigid lifestyle and paying the mortgage and *DEMANDING* that they *MUST* receive exactly X dollars on their paycheck, and no less than that.

I didn’t want to go back to that world. I’m actually *happier* working at McDonald’s! I really am!

I hadn’t thought about all this stuff in a long time. This book is making me remember. I remember what’s wrong with the world and why I don’t want to be part of it. But I’ve wondered if I could benefit from living in an apartment again, at the huge cost of paying rent – and IT IS *HUGE*. It is an ENORMOUS drain on my life to have to pay rent. I HAVE TO work two jobs, and have absolutely no choice about it – it’s two jobs, or no rent. It’s two jobs, or else you get on welfare and food stamps, which I don’t approve of and don’t want. If you work only one job at forty hours a week, that’s not enough to pay rent and also buy healthy food. You can buy beans and rice. You can’t save a penny.

Should I work two jobs again so that I can have a refrigerator? But I won’t be able to cook for myself, will I? Before the bone marrow disaster, I used to cook sporadically while working two jobs. I’d buy a whole head of cabbage, then let 90% of it spoil or throw it away, because the stupid grocery store forces you to buy an entire head of cabbage all at once. I’d want to plant a garden… but be too tired. I should pick my own leaves of cabbage… I remember this. The only time when I had enough energy to plant a garden was, ironically, when I was under the influence of ephedra and tobacco drug residues. *I HAD ENERGY!* Believe me I had energy. That was why I got those drugs, because I wanted a stimulant effect. The only reason why I was able to dig a garden during that time period was because I had enormous, drug-induced energy. But my garden was destroyed by two things: wild animals eating everything all the time, and the walnut trees poisoning the soil with juglone, which I didn’t understand until someone told me about it much later.

So, you buy a head of cabbage, and eventually throw most of it away. You try to eat healthy. You try to get some kind of fresh vegetable. But using a fresh vegetable requires you to *do something*. You have to chop it up, and cook it a special way (how, exactly?). What exactly do you do with a whole head of cabbage? I just remember wanting to eat cabbage, and buying one, and inevitably failing, over and over, to actually do anything with the cabbage for real. I’d always throw it out. My shopping and cooking were sporadic. And yet, I dearly love food and nutrition, more than anything, I’m obsessed with it, I’m fascinated with it – but working 80 hours a week at two jobs just so I could pay the rent prevented me from working on that ‘unprofitable hobby’ that is the center of my existence, food and health and nutrition.

And then, remember, if I did spend even a second working on the ‘unprofitable hobby,’ I’d regret it, feeling like I ought to be doing some bigger activity that will permanently set me free from this slavery. I’d be wondering if I ought to be studying something, reading a book, taking a class, starting my own business – anything but cooking, because cooking was a dead-end activity that didn’t set me free from slavery.

I hated that life. Is my life better now? The food, most definitely, is much, much worse when I don’t have a fridge and have to eat fast food. I don’t even eat at ‘restaurants,’ because for some stupid reason, their portion sizes are ridiculously huge, enough to feed an elephant – *ALWAYS* – so that I have to get a take-out box, which I can’t put into my fridge!!! So I throw away most of what I buy at a restaurant.

Fast food is the only type of food where you can choose how small your portion size is, and get only what you need. If I want to go to McDonald’s and buy nothing but one small fry, I can do that. I can’t do that at a sit-down restaurant. Maybe I could just buy an appetizer – but the appetizers are not usually the ‘healthy food’ that I am seeking from elsewhere on the menu. Believe it or not, with all the terrible things that they say about fast food, it is a lie to say that ‘Portion sizes are too big and they’re making us fat, and this is a unique characteristic that distinguishes fast food from slow food!’ That is the exact opposite of the truth. Slow food restaurants give you enormous portion sizes that are so big that you can’t even eat them over an entire day of three meals, and they give this to you all at once, and you have no choice. Fast food gives you flexible sizes that can be as small as you want. Slow food restaurants totally lose on the ‘portion sizes are too big’ argument.

I hate it. I hate everything. I hate all the pathways that I have been down. I hate how I lived in the past, and I don’t really like how I’m living now, either. That’s why I’m reading this book. That’s why this matters so much to me. But I still, to this day, this very minute, want to spend my time working with food and nutrition, the ‘unprofitable hobby’ that doesn’t set me free from slavery.

In order to make food into something that would set me free from slavery, I would have to make it into a huge project with a distant payoff – I’m going to start my own food distribution system with a brand name, etc.

WE NEED: a restaurant that serves healthy food that meets MY nutritional criteria, but which also has flexible portion sizes that you choose. I love buffets, but they have a huge amount of wasted, uneaten food afterwards, and I know because I used to work at a couple different buffets. I don’t like waste at all. I like the primitive hunter gatherers eating and saving and scrounging every crumb of food that they could get from an animal. We throw in the garbage literally tons, tons, and tons of food. It’s hot, it sits there on the buffet or whatever for hours, we can’t eat it, it spoils sitting there hot, it dries out, it oxidizes, it starts to grow bacteria, and it will make you sick if you eat it. We throw it away.

At a non-buffet, you give them enough food to feed an elephant, and they must either throw out the leftovers, or put them in the fridge at home, which requires them to go directly home after the restaurant and not sit there for too many hours chatting at the restaurant. Bad food quality also makes you less able to eat much food. If food is bad quality, it starts to make you sick while you’re eating it, and you lose your appetite. If food is extremely fresh and high quality, and if the foods are non-toxic and very edible, then you can eat large amounts of them.

I’d like a buffet where you choose what you want, but it isn’t cooked yet, and it isn’t sitting there hot. There will be no waste from this buffet. You choose exactly what you want, even just a small portion, and then it gets cooked afterwards. Everything would have to be cooked in the same way at the same time. Preservation and storage would have to be set up so that some foods could be partially prepared in advance, but not in such a way as to cause them to spoil. If you put it in the fridge and it sits there, it spoils. I don’t want to have a bunch of unpopular foods sitting around spoiling, but also, I believe in ‘eat the whole animal until it’s gone, and you don’t get another animal until you do.’ You must eat this whole cow, and there will be no more cows until you have eaten all of this one, including the parts you don’t like. You can’t just pick and choose certain parts of the cow and get rid of other parts. One entire cow and all of its parts must go through the restaurant until they are completely gone, and then we get another cow.

I hate everything about the way that all restaurants, all buffets, and all fast foods are done. I hate all of it and want to do it completely differently. I also hate grocery stores and the way *they* do things, too, requiring you to buy an entire head of cabbage and nothing but that!

So yeah, I could make my own food distribution system done my way according to my rules, my LAWS, my beliefs about what is wrong and right, what is stupid and smart, what is healthy and unhealthy.

But back to page 13. Trade your freedom for freedom? They think that 40 hours a week is ‘just enough’ to be a reasonable amount to expect from people. Only an uncompetitive business can afford to work according to these sorts of rigid rules. Some other business could have their office or factory open 7 days a week 24 hours a day and outcompete those rigid businesses. You are expected to work this one particular schedule and no other schedule according to what they tell you. You work only this much, no more and no less, because that’s how it’s done. All the businesses agree to work this way, and it’s evil for some other business to work 24/7 and outcompete us and produce more and put us out of business.

In this rigid world, you get paid if and only if you show up on those days at that time and stay exactly as long as you’re supposed to. Technically, you get ‘paid by the hour,’ quote unquote, so that if you call off sick, you lose hours. But in reality, you get paid to show up at that time, only at that time, and only on those days, no more and no less and not according to any other schedule, even if there is no particular reason why you have to be there cooperating with your coworkers to produce something that cannot be produced alone, like on the assembly line. On the assembly line, yeah, you have to be there at the same time as all the other people. There’s actually a reason for it there. But they took that habit of working only at particular times and made it official and eternal even if there is no reason for it. We have electric lights and can stay up all night long. There are no lions hunting on the sidewalks that will kill us if we stay awake working during the nighttime, although we might get mugged walking through the city at night. It’s natural for humans to wake up in the morning and go to bed when it’s dark, so we’re doing what’s comfortable for us, unless we are electronic torture victims who never sleep at all no matter what time of day it is, and can’t wake up comfortably and naturally at a particular hour as the sun rises like everyone else can.

So, a business that is so uncompetitive that its employees are not ever expected to tolerate the slightest discomfort or inconvenience. You’re never expected to get up at an unnatural time of night, work longer than eight hours at a time, or work when it’s dark outside.

That is the slowlane, and that is where I used to work when I worked for the temp agencies and got hired permanently at a couple different jobs, which inevitably laid me off later on, because their businesses were so uncompetitive and unproductive. We don’t work overnights or weekends because we just don’t have to. It doesn’t matter enough. And, oops, we’re unprofitable! We’re going out of business! We can’t afford the rent! We’re vulnerable to each and every little economic fluctuation! Woe is me! Rather than actually finding a way to solve this problem differently, we’ll just lay off hundreds of employees and give them unemployment compensation. Brilliant! Then we’ll hire people back again later!

The expense per time is the rent they have to pay on their office every month. Every month, this expense comes, and they cannot avoid it. It is always rent, and tax. There is some constant, monthly, unavoidable expense bleeding them to death, all the time. Because of that, they absolutely must earn X dollars per month to stay in business. It can be averaged out over the year, so that ‘black Friday’ finally makes them profitable, and they have enough ‘saved up’ money to get them through all the unprofitable time period next year, all those months and months without a single sale, sitting around doing nothing, selling nothing, just sitting their chit-chatting with their buddies in the office, until Black Friday finally arrives and they have to do some work.

People would still *want* to be profitable, some people would, even if there were no rent and no taxes. They just wouldn’t have that one unavoidable expense constantly bleeding them to death. They would not have to make as much gross revenue. There would be less of an obligation to produce as much stuff, constantly. Factory farms exist not because somebody out there wants to be hugely profitable, but because somebody wants to make just enough gross revenues to pay the rent and the taxes. Without this huge expense, this huge pressure, a lot less ‘stuff’ would be produced.

Making a huge profit, versus paying some unavoidable expense, are two different things. *Wanting* to make a profit, because you WANT TO, is something different from wanting to make enough gross revenues that you can afford to sit there for most of the year with no sales at all during the slow season, until Black Friday finally arrives and you get an entire year’s revenue all at once.

The slowlaners see money connected to time, because they are thinking of that unavoidable expense that forces them to work. Without that unavoidable expense, they wouldn’t mind just being farmers or hunter-gatherers, just plucking the food off the trees, just saving up enough to get through this winter only. Most people don’t WANT to be hugely profitable. They want to have just enough. They want to be comfortable and that’s all. In some places, they feel social pressure to be wealthy and impress the neighbors, and so they have some other minimum requirement that needs to be met, the ‘social approval expense.’ Every month, I have to pay my social approval tax. If I don’t look THIS WEALTHY, if I don’t appear to be this wealthy, at this minimum, then I am a social failure.

They are still thinking in terms of paying some unavoidable minimum expense. I’ve got to beat the Joneses!

It seems like it would be really easy to outcompete all these stupid businesses that work this way. Someone set up the business and became wealthy, and they did that by specializing in some technical engineering thing, whatever was necessary to set up the factory, the process of making chip resistors at State of the Art, Inc. But I think they do have a night shift, actually. That’s a factory. I’m talking about the *office* workers who only work 8-5.

What kind of offices just sit around doing nothing but working only 8-5? Only people who are talking to someone in the same time zone. If you don’t talk to anybody outside your time zone, on the other side of the planet where everybody is awake right now, then it doesn’t matter if you go to bed at the same time everybody else does. That’s the kind of office where they only go in from 8-5.

If you work overnight and sleep in the day, you need: 1. darkness, 2. silence, and 3. the ionosphere or radio frequencies or whatever it is that changes during the nighttime needs to do that while you’re asleep. You need a sleep box for a night shift worker. The circadian rhythm wants to wake up when the ionosphere changes. It starts to burn you. If you’re on particular drugs, you can feel it. When the sun rises, you start to feel the burn from the ionosphere. It gets less intense as the sun sets.

But I was still trying to process the concept of ‘trade freedom for freedom.’ I’m still on that page in the book. I don’t think that they even promise you any freedom at all. They just give you two days for a weekend because… because that’s the way it’s done. Because the law makes it hard to work more than 40 hours a week without paying overtime. Because it’s generally viewed as the ‘minimum amount necessary’ to remain productive. If you don’t get the ‘minimum amount’ of free time for yourself, then you become a less productive slave. You’re given that free time merely to keep yourself a functioning slave. They’re not actually taking away five days of your free time, then ‘paying’ you with two days in return. It’s not like that. They take away *ALL OF YOUR TIME*, including the two days of your weekends.

Why is McD able to do it differently? They don’t care what my schedule is. I can choose to work only 4 hours a week if I want to, for whatever reason. I’m able to work just enough hours to pay for my food expense if I want to. However, I still have to be around, in this local area, to show up at my job at the preplanned time. I can’t go travel. I still have to show up some minimum amount. There is actually a minimum number of hours I’m required to work. And I do get paid by the hour. I am not salary. If I am carrying a baby, I have to put the baby down during the hours when I am working, and that is the whole conflict that I need to resolve, because I don’t believe in putting a baby down for even a second. You carry the baby and you nurse it on demand every fifteen minutes or so when it wants milk. You do this nonstop until the baby voluntarily weans itself. You do not show up for a ‘job’ and then put the baby down and let someone else take care of it, unless they are a wet nurse who will do the same thing you are doing.

That is why I have a major job conflict. That is what I have been trying to solve all this time, and why I am tempted, even for a second, to consider hunting deer and picking up walnuts as a way to survive.

I must have *all* of my free time and must be allowed to carry a baby physically on my body constantly, and eat whenever I want to. I must be allowed to do things that the United States mainstream culture doesn’t allow people to do in public, like remove my shirt so that my baby can reach my breasts.

This is why I’m reading this book. I have a choice: either go into the fastlane so that I can have *ALL OF MY FREE TIME*, or else go into the hunter-gatherer lane, the unblazed trail lane, the wild forest dirt lane, where I don’t have to have a job at all. Or, I could marry a tolerable, mediocre man who would let me stay home to be a monogamous prostitute. The type of men who I admire do not want to pay a monogamous prostitute to stay home and raise babies unless those women meet the social criteria of a ‘trophy wife,’ someone who is in their early twenties and has a conventional hairstyle and conventional clothing. The neighbors would disapprove of a woman like me who has an unconventional grooming style – I would wear better clothes if I weren’t doing a decon, so that’s not an issue, but I will not wear miniskirts and heels and makeup. And these men want the woman to be a college graduate who has her own career and is a second source of income. They don’t understand that I have to be with the baby at all times, and how important this is, and how this is something that I can’t just sacrifice to other needs.

I don’t expect any of the men who I find attractive and admirable to understand that I absolutely must stay with the baby at all times. Not only that, but I would like to have the father with the baby too. I don’t want the father to be working as a slave all of the hours of his life while he doesn’t get to see his children. Again, I have the choice between the ‘unblazed trail pathway’ where the hunter-gatherers live and spend all of their time with their children, or the fastlane, where the wealthy people have all of their free time and also many modern luxuries and comforts. Farming is somewhere in between. It’s possible to have a decent family on a farm. The children participate in the farming and they get to be with their father as well as their mother. I know there is also the ‘herder’ lifestyle, where they roam around, but all of the property is owned in this area, and nobody can move around.

I don’t like it that the fastlane people in this book aren’t liberating all of their employees, too. They liberate themselves, but allow their slowlane employees to do their jobs in their offices. That bothers me. Can’t they liberate as many people as possible, systematically, while recognizing that some of the time, somebody somewhere will have to actually do some physical work? Yes, it’s true, somebody has to put the food on the table. If nobody anywhere is doing a mundane task of food preparation, then nobody eats. You have to get a robot and program it to cook for you, and also to go shopping for you.

What’s the difference between being so wealthy that I can finally afford to cook food without anxiety, without worrying that I’m wasting time that could be better spent, versus living as a hunter gatherer, gathering food all the time and eating it, knowing it’s the right thing to be doing at that time, knowing that food collection IS my job, and also my hobby, and something I love to do? I want to do this hobby, which could be done if only I lived as a primitive stone age hunter gatherer. I have this obsession with food collection, preparation, eating, and storage, and, coincidentally, there is a job and a lifestyle that requires me to do nothing but that, all the time, all year long. But it’s the hunter-gatherer lifestyle, and I don’t know how. I have to learn it. I’m surrounded by a culture that will help me if I fail, so if I don’t save up enough walnuts to get me through July, if I miscalculate, I won’t starve to death.

Tomorrow, I get a paycheck. I will need to look into getting a motorized bike. Tonight, I will probably want to go eat something before bed. I’m just a little anxious because I might still have that vomit virus. I might have given it to myself again because I drank from the same water bottle that I drank from last night before I went to bed.

I’m very tired, and not sure if I can do any more processing. I just don’t understand. I don’t get it. I don’t understand what it is that I need to do or want to do. Why would I want to do this, and how could I do it, and how could I trust myself to do a project that has no immediate payoff, when I have so many bad experiences of failing on those types of projects? How could I do an activity that I don’t love, just because I will earn a lot of money doing it?

I like p.15: If any of these things describe you, then you probably want what I have. I need to do that. I need to look at my intended audience and say, the people who want what I have, all have this stuff in common. They have this or that attribute. The people who don’t want what I have, have some other attributes. I’m not directing this at them, only at the people who have some attributes and want what I have. Who is my intended audience? I assume some things about them.

p.19 – Get rich slow… But that’s not my strategy, is it? That doesn’t apply to me. I’m not doing that. I’m doing even less than that. But if I did anything at all, it would be to start a business. But if I started a business, what would be my strategy? Keep working at the business forever, and just make *more* money, but still be tied to the business.

I did, actually, learn about passive incomes years ago, especially passive incomes from web pages. But every time I try to think about what I might do to earn a passive income from a web page, a couple things happen: the voices in my head try to force me to do a pornographic web page, or, alternatively, I have no idea at all what kind of web page I could ever make, besides porn, that would give me a passive income. I could copy the concept of TryUkraine, and make a website about a country, but those types of things, I’m just not good at. What kind of passive-income website could I make that does NOT involve pornography, for the FIVE HUNDRED MILLIONTH TIME to the voices in my head constantly trying to force me to do that – what kind of web page would I make, other than pornography, that is something I’m physically capable of doing, based on my personality type? I just can’t write in the exact same writing style and thinking style as the creator of TryUkraine. He spent years collecting that information. He was doing other jobs while building that web page. How did he know that the web page was going to be SO GOOD that advertisers would offer to pay $500 a month, or whatever, to advertise on that page? How can you know before you do something whether it will be so profitable that it was worth all the years you put into it, unless you enjoy the activity itself along the way?

I am totally at a loss as to what kind of web page I could possibly make that DOESN’T INVOLVE PORNOGRAPHY and that would earn advertising income. I would have to spend years reading technical computer books, while working at McDonald’s and continuing to eat unhealthy food, because I can’t waste any time cooking, since all of my free time is devoted to reading these technical computer books. Meanwhile, MY CHILDREN DIE. Oh, I forgot, I have to date someone and marry someone so I can have children BEFORE THEY ALL DIE. And I have to do this all simultaneously and urgently, right now, this very instant!

Not only that, but some of these entrepreneurs got their ideas by doing various random odd jobs, which I am not doing. I am stuck in one line of work, and I’m not trying random things like limo driver. (Knowing socionics, I think that ‘limo driver’ is actually not random to an ILE, because it involves ‘roads,’ which are associated with intuition. So they’re doing something in their base function, actually.) Can I go out and do random activities, random jobs, hoping that some random customer will *say something* that will give me the big idea that will finally pay off and make me a millionaire (‘I wish it were possible for me to search for a limo driver in New York while I’m sitting at home in Chicago’ – gee, what if I make a web page that will let you do that?)? He actually hoppped from one thing to another over a period of years and even tried to do the multi-level-marketing type schemes, too.

Unfortunately, I DON’T EVEN HAVE *FIVE YEARS* to get rich! I have to get ready to support a baby AS SOON AS PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE because my time is running out right now. I am in a different situation from the author of this book and the readers who, in reality, actually have all the time in the world, even if they think they don’t. Their only time limit is extreme old age, when you can’t move around anymore and you’re sick after a lifetime of eating unhealthy foods and using recreational drugs, and then death.

Whatever I do, it would have to be done on the side in addition to my hunting-gathering type activities, and childraising.