Archive for January, 2015

Old Peter is in a coma

January 31, 2015

5:19 PM 1/31/2015

I was – oh my gosh, I have crumbs still under the space bar. My space bar is being unreliable at the moment, so if you – argh! I can barely even use it! Now I ripped it off and put it back on and it didn’t work right at first, so I had to take it back off and look at it more carefully, but I finally got it put back on properly. It’s even harder than a normal key to take off and put on, on a netbook. It has these little metal bars that have to be slid underneath these little holes or else it won’t work. But I got it.

Okay. Peter Chaffee is in the hospital in a coma. ‘The voices’ did not even give me the slightest warning about it when it happened. He had pneumonia, and went into a coma in the hospital. He’s on so many drugs, and now surely he is on even more in the hospital, so who knows what is causing it. He’s also horribly malnourished. He has diabetes and kidney failure, and has been getting sicker and sicker over the years, often as a side effect of drugs. But I believed my drug residues affected him too, and there was nothing I could do about that. I found this out on facebook the day before yesterday, so I don’t know yet whether he’s going to die or not – they think he might. I was seeing Peter for several years, even though he was married. I stopped seeing him a few years ago, I forget exactly when, but it correlated to my not having a car anymore, because I often used the car to help him go shopping. They didn’t have a car anymore at one point. I don’t know if they do now or not.

I paid my rent this afternoon, and I was right, I have approximately $2 left in the bank after that. I’m going to go somewhere and see if I can use the food bank, but that requires a trip. I’m also thinking I wish I could visit Peter in the hospital, but it’s hard for me to go anywhere when it’s this cold and snowy, and I have no money for the bus.

I had a conversation on the phone with Peter several weeks ago. We talk occasionally, rarely. He calls me out of the blue once in a while just to catch up. I don’t call him because, even though his wife knows I exist, and we are relatively at peace with each other, I still don’t feel comfortable just calling him. I never was able to really figure out what personality type he was. I sometimes thought he was an ILI, sometimes maybe a Delta NF, and I never was sure. I changed my mind a lot. I also don’t know Tammy’s type (his wife). His wife likes Shakespeare, and according to legend, someone said Shakespeare was an ILI. I myself can barely stand to read Shakespeare – I found it boring and depressing in every possible way. I also don’t appreciate that type of wittiness, so it wasn’t funny to me either.

During this last phone call, I told him about Jesse. I hadn’t told him before. I told him Jesse was leaving for boot camp, or had just gone to boot camp, I forget. I explained that I had met Jesse at Taco Bell. I said that even though I didn’t want Jesse to go into the army, I was going to support his decision anyway, and stay with him and wait for him to come back.

A long time ago, Peter and I discussed the possibility that Peter would father my child. We didn’t plan out any details of how exactly that would work. But it was something we seriously considered, in the back of our heads at least, although we didn’t talk about it very often. During this phone call, when I informed him that I was with another boyfriend now, it’s so sad I can barely even write it – he felt like he was no longer needed as the possible father of my child. It’s horrible, this coincidence that now all of a sudden he might be dying, as though he figured out that he was no longer needed, and had no reason to hang on any longer waiting for something that was never going to happen. Until Jesse, I hadn’t really had any boyfriends since Peter. I had been with Steve intermittently in…. 2012? 2013? I’m lost. 2013! Last year was 2014, and I was with Jesse. I was with Steve in 2013. Time is hemorrhaging.

Speaking of which, my hips and knees improved when I drank something that had synthetic vitamin D added to it. You can *kind of* use synthetic vitamin D, but I don’t like it. That’s a rant for a later time. The point is after I had that bottle of orange juice (fake orange juice, with Stevia added as a sweetener, and the orange juice was watered down or something – Trop50 – it’s real juice but just diluted and with that sweetener – Mary Jo gave me a coupon for $1 off, so I took it, because I had barely any cash left in my wallet – I usually HATE coupons), my hips improved, so it was partly vitamin deficiency related. I no longer feel quite so old.

I’d rant about vitamin D, but I’m not very caffeinated. I have this pre-ground coffee stuff from Starbucks, in little packages, which was on special for $1 a couple weeks ago. It seems to have barely any effect. I think pre-grinding coffee releases too many volatiles, and apparently, some of coffee’s drug effect comes from the volatiles, even if ‘science’ doesn’t know what all those chemicals are. I’m drinking cups of coffee with a scoop or two of coffee grounds in it, letting it soak, and drinking it out of the cup, sometimes avoiding the coffee grounds and letting them settle to the bottom, other times swallowing the coffee grounds. Even though I swallow the coffee grounds, they are so weak they do almost nothing! Maybe they were on sale because they were old and stale or something.

So anyway, this coincidence – it’s actually normal for Peter to get pneumonia, he gets it every year – oh, I’d rant if I could, about how horrible his so-called ‘medical care’ is, with quotes around it. Why he’s always sick, why he never gets better, why he’s malnourished, everything. Anyway, so now he gets pneumonia right after finding out that I have a boyfriend who I’m serious about. He was always saying that in the future I was going to find some cute young guy, or something, wasn’t he? I think he used to say that. I think Jesse counts as the cute young guy that I was going to find one day. So now all of a sudden it’s like Peter’s job is done. But that makes me very sad. Fortunately, Peter has a son, Deter (I know, they picked rhyming names).

They are part of the declining birth rate trend – just one child. This is risky: the child could die before having children of its own, ending the family line. I would never want to have just one child. We don’t have an official one-child policy here in the USA, but various factors are causing it to happen anyway in all of the modernized countries – a combination of a bad economy, two parents working, high prices and high rent and an unlivable life in general, and then other hostile factors like electronic mind control and depopulation programs, conspiring to make people unable to have children or not wanting to have children. If you don’t live on a farm, it’s hard to support any children at all. On a farm, you get your own food, and the children do farm work. They are not a burden but an asset.

But I don’t like it – Peter found out that I have another boyfriend, and he expressed sadness and support at the same time – I forget his exact words, but he told me to support Jesse all I could as he was joining the army – that was one area where Peter and I often disagreed – he was all in favor of just nukin’-em-all as a solution to everything, without understanding what caused them to hate us, without understanding what led to the war, without understanding the deceptive motives behind the war, like stealing oil, and so on, and how war is just a way of entertaining the people so that they can feel powerful about something, without having any actual impact or changing the status quo or threatening anyone who has real power. You can go kill brown people and feel powerful and famous and important, but in reality you’ve done nothing good for the world, and the world is still just as evil as it was yesterday.

Anyway he gave me his blessing. That’s what I was trying to say. He gave me his blessing, and then he went and got pneumonia and went into a coma and is now for all practical purposes maybe dead, I don’t know yet. I had a chance to talk to him only just weeks before this happened, and it *feels like* it’s connected to my telling him about Jesse, even though it really isn’t – the yearly battles with pneumonia are a routine. But it just really feels like Peter knows he’s not needed for anything else, now that I have found another potential father for my child, so he can leave now. I don’t want him to leave. And he still has his own son, who is 14 years old.

I got a letter in the mail from Jesse. ❤ Just today. It was from several days ago, so I don’t know how he’s doing now. He was still in the stage where you’re doing all the paperwork and everything. I was very, very happy to get the letter.

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The definition of a nonprofit

January 29, 2015

10:55 AM 1/29/2015

I’m all dressed up and ready to go out on my bike, except I don’t have my coat and backpack on, and suddenly I have to sit down and write another blog, because I had that caffeine pill.

I’ve been thinking about the definitions of ‘for profit’ and ‘not for profit.’ I haven’t recently looked up that stuff online, but I just *have a feeling*, from what I remember, that it’s not really easy to get yourself labeled ‘not for profit’ for tax purposes, and if you do, you have to fit into these strict definitions which might limit your ability to run a business, and I remember thinking when I read it, years ago, that I would be better off simply allowing my business to be defined as ‘for profit’ so that I would have more freedom to use my money the way I wanted to. I don’t know why I thought that – it’s been a couple years since I read about it.

I was just thinking, what is the definition of ‘not for profit?’ I studied bookkeeping, so I know about some things. When you run a business, as the owner, you can make ‘withdrawals,’ and you keep a record of them in the bookkeeping. You can withdraw as much as you want – it’s yours. That’s part of the normal way of running a business.

I should study bookkeeping again – one reason why I studied it was because it required pretty much zero dollars of investment to learn how to do it – just read a couple books – and you can do it without going to college, yet still make a decent amount of money, and you can get some certifications, again, for the low cost of $100 or so. It’s a very low investment, but if you live in the right location, you can make, like, $70 an hour maximum as a bookkeeper. Even at the lower end of the range, it’s a good wage. So that’s much better than spending $75,000 a year for college. I was just talking to one of the homeless/unemployed/unknown situation guys who I recognized, yesterday at the church, and he said the Chinese foreign students paid $75,000 a year, and he suspected their government might be paying for it.

Anyway, so I was thinking, how might I structure my business? If I make ‘withdrawals,’ that probably means it’s a for-profit business. If the owner DOES NOT make personal withdrawals, is that required for it to be nonprofit? I was thinking, if it’s my goal to earn revenues higher than expenses, that’s defined as ‘profit,’ but I could be investing them all back into the business, rather than ‘greedily’ taking out the money for personal withdrawals and buying myself a dozen mansions and yachts and airplanes, although those mansions and yachts and airplanes could also be part of the business. Is there some arbitrary number of profit below which it’s defined as
‘nonprofit?’ I mean, you aren’t actually taking a LOSS and then receiving a subsidy from the government, nor are you allowed to operate a business while bankrupt and borrowing more money, right?

I should just google it again, but I’m supposed to be going for a bike ride. I’m letting the cats run around a bit. I’ll collect them and then leave.

I’ve just really been thinking, I DON’T WANT to go back to McDonald’s. I really hated the newly rebuilt store SO MUCH! Everything was always breaking down, over and over again! It was INSANE! You simply cannot imagine what a horrific fiasco this new store was! Every week, every couple days, some new piece of equipment would be malfunctioning so badly that we would be unable to provide some essential product of service, for example, SODA! Our SODA MACHINE kept going down! *SODA*! So we could not sell DRINKS! What did we do? We bought bottles of soda at the grocery store, and poured it! In huge busy rushes! We would be unable to provide shakes because our shake machine was down, because for some reason, they could not be bothered with assigning a competent person to clean it, and instead allowed any random incompetent person to do it, and I’m sorry, but there were several managers there who were not very good at taking apart the shake machine and putting it back together. In the old days, at another store, we had one particular person who did it every time, and he knew what he was doing, so he wouldn’t assemble it improperly.

It happens again and again! Somebody cleans the shake machine, and then, derp-de-derr, they don’t put it back together properly, week after week, over and over again! You’d think they’d learn by now, but no! Other times, it really is an actual piece of hardware breaking down, something that has to be replaced, but more often than not, it’s just that the machine was cleaned by a retard who didn’t know how to assemble it and didn’t care to learn and was unable to assign the task to somebody else due to the fact that we were constantly understaffed, and I’m sorry to call anybody a retard – if only they were capable of assigning it to one person who specialized in it, that would help! But no! And all the other machines! And our soda machine, which would spontaneously start spewing Coke syrup, hundreds of gallons of it, onto the floor in the back room, and the grease filter thing that puts the grease into a big tank – that thing malfunctioned CONSTANTLY, and we had no other option, and could not merely dump it in a dumpster the old fashioned way, like we used to! It was a more complicated machine, designed and built by retards, and therefore it could never function properly for more than a day before breaking down again! And everything, everyone, all the time, always understaffed, no time to do anything, assign tasks to people who can’t do them, don’t care, aren’t smart enough, aren’t conscientious enough… and the dish sink, and everything, everything! I hate everything about the new store, except the people in it! I love them. I miss them. I want them to be happy.

I should go. I’m gonna run out of caffeine energy if I sit here too long.

Anyway, about the nonprofit definition, I just wondered, how much money are you allowed to reinvest in the business? A lot of times, that’s what profit is used for – it benefits the business and allows you to expand. And how much debt can you have? I’ll need to read about it.

Pet food bank

January 29, 2015

One of the churches where I go to eat dinners, where I will go tonight, also has a pet food bank on Tuesdays. I did a google search for ‘cat food charity.’ I’ll go there and see how it works. They also say they have cat litter, but I’ve been using dirt from outdoors; however, it hasn’t been easy to go digging lately, and I just ran out of dirt. They don’t really like going on the dirt in the litter box anyway. I’ll see if I can get anything on Tuesday.

I took a caffeine pill this morning. Taking caffeine pills fills me up with hope and energy, so that I feel like I don’t have a problem, and I can do anything. There is one caffeine pill left. There are a few spoonfuls of coffee left in my instant coffee jar, but my landlady also has coffee and it’s theoretically possible I could ask her. I could theoretically ask if I could temporarily renegotiate my rent this month.

I’m about to go for a walk or bike ride, whichever, and take one of my job applications out. I’d rather have filled out the other two applications first, because they are for places slightly closer to where I live, but this was the shortest and easiest application, so I got it done first.

When I fill out job applications, I drink a two-liter of Coke. I refer to this as my having to ‘get plastered’ in order to fill out job applications, and even though it is Coke, not alcohol, I strongly suspect that large amounts of sugar turn into alcohol in your body.

I don’t drink Pepsi, for two reasons. First, Pepsi doesn’t contain any coca. Coca cola contains real coca, it’s just been decocainized, but I believe there are traces of cocaine left in it. Pepsi contains some kind of ‘natural flavoring’ from something, but I don’t know what. I could research it I guess. Second, Pepsi products contain an unknown substance, possibly something in the plastic bottles, which is different from what’s in Coke – I thought it was a substance in the plastic, but it could also be a substance in the drinks themselves – it was in more than one Pepsi product – it happened when I had Pepsi, and it happened when I had Sierra Mist, in plastic bottles. Something in them causes an intense aphrodisiac effect. I want to avoid any substances that do this. It’s not as strong as olive oil, but it is definitely quite noticeable.

If there is one nice side effect of being poor, hopefully it will be that I’m forced to quit caffeine. I’m still getting a cup of coffee when I go to these church lunches and dinners.

Those Episcopalians are pretty cool – they’re the ones doing the pet food charity and also one of the dinners/free bread giveaways. They had normal bread – I didn’t see the heavy, dense, possibly homemade, barely edible gag-inducing bread like I found yesterday at the other church’s lunch. I will watch out for that stuff next time. I never buy bread, so I wasn’t experienced enough to know what to watch out for. Even when I have money, I’m not really interested in
experimenting with buying bread. It’s just not possible to buy chemical-free, simple-ingredient bread at the stores. You have to make it yourself, which is a huge pain in the ass and requires a lot of equipment and dedication. I would prefer to do experiments in another direction, in the direction of finding alternatives to bread, such as hopniss tubers.

So, in a few minutes, I’ll go out on my bike and drop off an application somewhere. I won’t be able to afford to ‘get plastered’ on a two liter of Coke while trying to finish up more applications. I am temporarily hopeful and cheerful because of this magic caffeine pill. Soon, I’ll take the last pill, and use up the last scoops of coffee, and will go into withdrawal, and it will be challenging to motivate myself to take action while decaffeinated. It’s possible, but slow.

I did not get ‘expedited’ (fast, emergency) food stamps

January 28, 2015

4:38 PM 1/28/2015

So I went to the Centre Community Whatever office. County Assistance.

Basically, I was turned down for expedited food stamps. I have to wait longer to start them, but I might be eligible a few weeks from now. They said it was because Mom’s check counted as an income, so I ‘have an income.’

They didn’t seem to understand that Mom gave me a check for $450, when I had around $12 in the bank, plus a few dollars and change in my wallet, not much. So I had ~$462. I spent $30 on my mailbox at the UPS Store, because it was about to expire at the end of January. I keep that mailbox because it’s easier than changing my address every time I move to another apartment, and also because I was homeless and needed to get my mail somewhere. I still keep it so that I can move from place to place without changing my address, because changing my address is a huge pain in the ass – you have to change it at the post office, change it at the bank, change it at every single company that sends you any kind of utility bill, and so on. I just keep it the same no matter what apartment I live in. It’s a million times easier. My mailbox at the UPS Store is not some useless ‘luxury’ to me that I don’t need.

So I would have had ~$432 then. $400 goes to my rent. I just spent about $30 at the grocery store. That means I have somewhere around $2 left, with maybe just a few coins of change in my wallet, for the next however many weeks, until I can get approved for food stamps. I ‘had an income’ and therefore was not eligible for expedited food stamps.

The food I bought at the grocery store will last a few more days. I bought a whole bunch of fruit. I’m not a ‘Chinese medicine’ person, but yet, even I have a concept of ‘cooling foods’ and ‘warming foods.’ There are hearty foods and light foods. You don’t just eat nothing but cold fruit in the wintertime. You want to eat some kind of meat and fat. I still have a jar of coconut oil which will last forever, and a small tub of lard in the fridge which will also last forever but which I don’t use very often because it starts to burn at a low temp if I fry anything in it, and I have a stick of butter (grassfed, Kerrygold, with herbs) which is partway eaten. So, I will be sort of okay in the fat department. I have a bag of some nuts. I also got dried dates and dried figs, which will last for a little while. I don’t really have much left. I usually had all these dried fruits and nuts and stuff. I have a huge thing of sesame seeds, but discovered that they gave me bad arthritis, so I’m not eating them, but I might try them again. I have some seaweed, but it’s not the kind that I like – there’s another brand which is fried in corn oil and salted, and it’s so delicious and addictive that I wolf down the whole three-pack in a couple days. I have some eggs.

The liver sausage died. I checked on it yesterday. I opened the bag and it smelled slightly weird, and there was just a tiny bit of blue mold growing on it, so I threw it away. I haven’t reached rock bottom yet. If I had been starving, I would have tried to eat it. I’m not comfortable cutting the mold off of things. There wasn’t a whole lot of it left, so it wasn’t so bad.

I didn’t mention that I am feeding two cats. I am not happy about not being able to get cat food.

I have just a couple more things. One stick of fish left, which I will barely be able to choke down, but I will – it was bitter even while it was fresh, and I don’t know why. I have some eggs, but less than a dozen. Olives (eating whole olives doesn’t have the
aphrodisiac effect of olive oil, for some reason), a few mouthfuls of the spinach ham mushroom mix, what else? Maybe one or two things I’m forgetting.

I got a free loaf of bread which is dense, wet, and heavy. I was eating it, and suddenly, to my surprise, I felt like I could not swallow any more and was going to gag. I don’t know what’s in the bread or who made it or how it was made, because there is no label. It might even be someone’s homemade bread, made by a clueless person who mistakenly believes that whole wheat is good for you (I thought it was rye because it had caraway seeds, but inside, there is some kind of bran flakes that weren’t visible from the outside – whole grain is bad for you, the opposite of what you are told). I really, really felt hungry, and was enjoying what I was eating – I was eating the frozen fruit (melted) and dipping the bread into the juice, when suddenly I could not eat any more, like that, in an instant, unexpectedly. I have no idea what was in the bread.

I’m just saying, I spent all my remaining $30 or so on what amounts to a bunch of fruit, and I have not much else. That will be gone in a few days. Tomorrow I’ll go to the church dinner and get another loaf of free bread, and hopefully it will be edible.

So when I was not eligible for expedited food stamps because I had had an ‘income’ recently, I was shocked and could not argue, discuss it, or explain the exact details of exactly how much money I had left in the bank and exactly how much food I had left in the fridge, not to mention needing more food for the cats soon.

It’s strange to see someone who was officially a libertarian, trying to get their ‘entitlement’ from the state, and getting angry at being rejected and not being entitled. You have no idea what it took, and for how long, to make me finally break down and decide to try this. I have been suffering badly in many different ways for years and years and years, in a hundred different ways that I cannot explain in fifteen seconds or less to a stranger.

After I left, I rode home on my bike and cried. I wish I could have cried more, but I was more focused on trying to cross the road, and trying to move over snowy sidewalks and piles of plowed snow. I was not just hurt, I was angry. It’s this angry, humiliated feeling. This kind of crap is why I have always hated dealing with government and have avoided it up until now.

Also, I then had to deal with ideas that ‘they’ put into my head – they suggested that perhaps we were supposed to re-enact The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo or something, and the guy who refused to give me the money was supposed to be the Rapist Pig. However, I would rather wait a few weeks until they can process my request for food stamps the normal way, rather than beg for food stamps.

The overall purpose was to ‘get in the system,’ start my ‘case,’ get me talking to them, so that in the future it will be easier and faster for me to get help from them again. That way I won’t have to ask Mom for help every single time anything goes wrong.

I don’t want to live in the kind of world where you have to beg for food stamps. The only way to accomplish that is to get other women together and get them to help each other, without men, so they can stop being prostitutes, stop being angry and humiliated and inferior, stop being helpless. I don’t mind taking care of men and paying for men – that’s the whole point! The men who are ‘saving’ me are conventional men who cut their hair and shave their beards.

In order to stop them from doing that, we have to reassure the men that they don’t need to have jobs. If they don’t have to worry about getting a job, then they won’t have to worry about cutting their hair and shaving their beards. The only reason they do those things is because they are depending on other men to help them, men who are superior, men who (apparently) want to destroy all male beauty, to eliminate all the competition and get all the women for themselves, women who need money and will value money more than male beauty. Oh well – no beautiful men out there, I guess I’ll just go for a guy who has a bunch of money and power instead!

There is this thing which will either be a movie or a reality show on TV, I forget which. It’s called ‘The Wolf Pack.’ Some
filmmaker/journalist person was walking through New York when all of a sudden she saw a vision: six guys walking together, all of them with waist-length hair. She said she was ‘instantly obsessed,’ and she followed them and asked them their names. It turns out that they were part of a family of seven kids who were raised in an apartment and never let outside, except very rarely, and the sister wasn’t let out, I guess.

Do you want to inspire women to become ‘instantly obsessed?’ Then grow your hair as long as possible and walk around with a group of guys who are all doing the same. This journalist interviewed them and decided to make a movie out of their life.

You know, this is ANOTHER thing I hate about capitalism. Capitalism makes money by CUTTING everyone’s hair as often as possible. Capitalism does not make money by GROWING anyone’s hair. It DOES NOT MATTER how many people are ‘obsessed’ with long hair, it doesn’t matter how desperately they clamor for it, Capitalism does not give a fuck about what we want. Capitalism will not provide this for us. No matter how long we wait, Capitalism will never evolve to the point, through its self-perfecting, self-correcting process, where it somehow is extremely profitable to grow people’s hair and beards as long as possible, and also to stop shaving body hair. I could wait my entire life and it would never happen. Capitalism has been around for a long, long time, and it has never provided this for us, not even in the freest countries on earth which are ranked as the most
capitalistic countries with the freest markets. This is an inevitable result of capitalism – overgroomed hair, and a niche market which is extremely dissatisfied, but helpless to change society. The government does not require the capitalists to make a dress code or grooming code where they all cut their hair and shave their faces – they do that on their own, out of their own stupidity, and ignore the demand for anything else. Ignoring what people want and demand seems to be the essence of capitalism – the very opposite of what capitalism is supposed to be. They give you whatever is profitable, and, fuck what you want.

Look at Breyer’s Ice Cream. People LOVED the original recipe before it was bought out. There was absolutely nothing wrong with it. Then Capitalism stepped in, bought the company, which is now owned by a larger company (Unilever), and decided to ‘fix’ (also known as, completely destroy) Breyer’s Ice Cream, making it into something which has to be labeled ‘Frozen Dairy Dessert’ because it has so little cream in it that it is legally not allowed to be called ‘ice cream.’ Everyone hates it now, except the fools who will eat whatever is randomly thrown at them, and the shills being paid to say ‘The New Breyers is awesome!’ Capitalism gave us that. I think, even if capitalism was more free and less regulated, it would still be doing stupid crap like this. I can’t explain this type of incident by saying it was the result of regulations.

Now, granted, there are anarcho-capitalists and what not who might say that we need to change something about corporations being a legal entity, or something. Tinker with the laws a bit, and it will fix this thing of a great company being bought out, and all their products completely ruined.

I myself say that if the banking system were different, if you couldn’t get these fake imaginary-money loans, then big companies would have less money to go buying out small companies. But isn’t it easier just to say, capitalism did this? This totally stupid, insane, moronic, and downright evil business decision was the result of Capitalists?

However, I still need to answer the question, ‘What would I do instead?’ because it’s a valid argument when they say that ‘capitalism is the best out of the alternatives, and better than a mixed economy.’

If you ever want to enforce a lifestyle, a particular type of economy, a particular way of doing things, then you have to use force, because people will not all voluntarily agree to do it. If you want a free market, then you have to use force to suppress the government to prevent it from intruding, which means *YOUR* government has to be stronger than the OTHER government that you don’t approve of, and YOUR army has to be stronger than THEIR army, which means you will need rules and regulations to control YOUR OWN government, army, gangs of thugs, and what not. The only way to accomplish anything on earth is with power – force – and it will always be you against some other force who is also extremely powerful.

This is the position that every human being is born in, right now, you and me. If I want to make the world the way I want it, I would have to use force. Or, I could ‘comply’ sometimes, as little as possible, by buying a piece of land and starting an intentional community and paying money to the banks and taxes to the government, always having to be a slave, always having to earn money, always having to pay for permission to exist. You will always be hemorrhaging money to the thugs, you will always be part of the money system that you hate, unless you have enough FORCE to resist the thugs, who will inevitably invade your land and try to make you leave, if you don’t pay them constantly.

So, surrender to thugs and continue being a money-slave, or, build up your own force, and not merely ‘temporarily resist’ the invading thugs, but completely destroy them so that they are so terrified of you they never invade you again. And how would you build up all that power without being noticed? The government doesn’t even like it when people ‘stockpile weapons,’ even though that tiny little stockpile is TRIVIAL compared to what the government has stockpiled, and all its helicopters and airplanes and energy weapons and chemical weapons. Even the smallest, most trivial stockpile is an excuse for a government raid. Just like me – I can’t even save a $20 bill under the mattress without the mind controllers ruining my entire life and forcing me to lose all the money I tried to save. It doesn’t even matter how trivial that money is, I cannot ‘stockpile’ even a couple dollars without being raided and destroyed.

I’m not eating enough and not eating the particular foods I want to eat, so I’m going to be extremely grouchy again. Do I hate this world? Yes. Do I hate the stupid, oblivious capitalists who become multimillionaires and don’t give a fuck about the ‘common good,’ that is, the neverending agony and suffering of billions of people, who could be easily helped with just a few programs that were specifically directed at them with the intention of helping them? I don’t usually ‘hate’ those people when I see specific individuals. They always seem human. But I’ve never been in a position where I had to beg for help and desperately needed it. I think I would start hating people more if they were rejecting me when I really, really needed help.

And there’s more than just a need for temporary emergency help so you can get back on your feet and start being a slave again. I want to sit on my ass and do nothing, and get paid. That way, I will have free time to do other projects and improve my life. Sure, I can immediately get hired for another slave job, quickly and easily, and the more pressured and hurried I am, the more likely I am to jump back into a slave job. I cannot take a risky, uncertain job unless I am secure and know that I have plenty of time and can afford to take chances. If I am pressured to ‘apply for three jobs a week,’ as the one thing said in some of the paperwork, well, gee, those aren’t going to be risky and uncertain jobs that I’m not sure about getting, I’m going to apply for ‘dishwasher’ and ‘janitor’ type jobs. I can go from being a slave, to being a slightly different kind of slave in a slightly different location, quickly and easily – is that what all these helpful people want for us? To keep us barely alive for a few weeks while we jump from one form of slavery to another? Without ever really helping up make changes in our life?

And only a certain kind of change is acceptable. You must ‘seek a higher paying job,’ which means you must get an ‘education’ and ‘training.’ What about someone who seeks an ENTIRELY DIFFERENT KIND OF LIFESTYLE where I won’t be a slave to anyone, where I grow food in my permaculture forest where we don’t chop the trees down, with my group of people who are all living on the land and not chopping down every living thing? Oh – that’s not profitable! Surely the land could be put to ‘better use,’ with ‘higher yield,’ if only we chop down every single tree and then fill every inch of space with genetically modified wheat and corn! Capitalism! Highest yield! Huge surplus! Loaves of bread thrown in the garbage! If I don’t take those loaves of bread, they keep telling me at the church, they will be thrown away! *HUGE SURPLUS*!!! Human misery! Food in the garbage! Higher yield! Higher yield! Higher yield! More surplus! More food in the trash! We must chop down more trees and plant more rows of corn and wheat!

People eat more efficiently when they have a LOWER SURPLUS! When you have a LOWER SURPLUS, you start eating more of the food you have, and throwing less away. You eat every part of the animal, all the organs. You keep the skin, tan the hide, make it into clothing. Every resource is precious and will not be thrown in the garbage. Our world of INFINITE HUGE SURPLUS has given us these loaves of bread which are donated to the churches and the remainders thrown in the trash if nobody takes them. Why are we wasting food! Why are we killing every inch of land and every living thing to clear more space for farms, when we already have SO MUCH FOOD that we are throwing it all in the garbage, and the government is subsidizing people to produce EVEN MORE corn and grain?

I hate this insanity. I hate it that you cannot just go out to your backyard and milk the cow and collect the chicken eggs, no matter where you live. There is ABSOLUTELY NO NEED for any human being to EVER go to a grocery store to ‘buy’ milk and eggs, EVER. But we are forced off our land because we’re not using it at its highest possible capacity, and the capitalists, hand in hand with the government, take it away from us and tell us that whatever they do with the land is more efficient and higher yielding than whatever we were doing, so that society as a whole benefits from having a larger surplus. But, I am part of ‘society as a whole.’ All those peasants who are now forced to live in cities are NOT benefiting from this arrangement. I would rather have a SMALLER SURPLUS in ‘society as a whole,’ if I were allowed to live on the land without paying rent to anyone and without buying land from a bank.

I’m going to go try to eat more – I stopped eating when that super-dense bread surprised me by almost making me gag. I wasn’t done eating, I was still hungry, I just have to get this awful bread figured out. I am not a bread eater.

I can’t wait, can’t wait, until I find some hopniss plants. Hopniss is a native American staple food. It’s a little tuber growing underground beneath a pea-like plant with pink flowers. I thought I might have seen one once in the summer on part of the bike path between this house and Jesse’s house, or maybe it was between the other apartment with the Chinese people. It was nearby. I wanted to find it again, but the fall came and the leaves died, and I do not know how to recognize it in the winter. You can only recognize a plant in the winter if you are already very experienced with finding it and knowing where it is. After you have found it a few times, it jumps out at you (a writer on the internet said that now, hopniss plants jump out at her when she is driving by at 60 miles an hour, and I know how that is – I learned how to see St. John’s Wort plants growing wild the same way). I never verified for certain that this plant was a hopniss.

It’s a starchy staple food, something you can eat all the time and get a lot of calories from, and it’s NOT in the potato family, so you can eat it if you are on a diet of avoiding nightshades, as I would like to do (as always, I’ve eaten several donated foods with tomatoes or potatoes in them in the last few days). I like hardy native plants that don’t need pesticides and herbicides and special treatment and babying. It’s a strong plant that will survive anywhere in the eastern USA. It’s all over the place.

I also love lamb’s quarters. I found that, tried it, and loved it. The only reason why I don’t spend more time foraging is because I WAS ALWAYS WORKING, THAT’S RIGHT, WORKING AS A SLAVE! I WAS TRYING TO SAVE MONEY WHILE BEING FORCED TO SPEND IT ALL! I would ride my bike and look longingly and desperately at the mulberry trees covered completely in berries, but not have time or energy to stop and pick them all off and bring them home, because I was always on my way to or from work. I was trying to save money! But everything I did was always destroyed. No matter how much I worked, no matter how much I saved, I was always attacked in some way that would force me to lose all my money.

So, I must find hopniss. I hope to find it this year. I hope to go verify the plant that I suspected was hopniss, and maybe I will ask people online if anybody knows where any plants can be found.

The Miracle of the Unspoiled Food

January 27, 2015

I’m not sure how many weeks that stuff has been in there. The Gefilte fish – it’s these rounded flattened cylinder ‘fish finger’ type things, in broth, in a jar – it’s lasted all this time. I thought they would go sour much sooner than this, but they are still edible. I was tasting a strange bitterness in them, even while they were still fresh, and so I lost my taste for them and just set them aside, then ran out of money and had nothing else to eat, so I kept them and have just been gradually getting through the jar – two sticks left! My spinach-mushroom-ham thing is still good, too, and I thought it would be sour by now. I’d swear it’s been at least two weeks, if not a little longer. I think those are the only questionable ones that are in there right now.

I got a check from Mom. I need some of it for the rent, but she gave me a little bit extra for miscellaneous things. I don’t have a lot, and I used most of it today in a $30 grocery trip. I had a fruit craving, so I bought several kinds of dried fruits – figs and dates – and I wanted to get dried cranberries, but I don’t want added sugar on them, and there are no organic ones, and I ended up buying frozen cranberries in a bag. I also got a few more frozen fruits in bags, a couple of weird and bizarre fruits – a big persimmon from Israel, not like the tiny wild persimmons that grew at our house in West Virginia – it will probably be the same ‘general idea,’ the same mealy pasty mushy texture and flavor – and a jicala or something, I forget – I googled it, and can’t remember the name of it now. It’s some kind of root from a bean plant. Jicama? Yeah, it’s a jicama. And I got a couple mangoes.

The jicama will probably make me deathly ill. It contains inulin, which causes stomach upset and pain. You have to cook it really well or something. That’s like sunchokes and hopniss.

After a day or two, I will regret spending all that money on fruit, because my fruit craving will be over with. However, it’s frozen, so it will last. I have to eat the mangoes – they were extremely ripe.

I still have the liver sausage, and the gefilte fish which has miraculously been preserved, and a little bit of the corned beef I bought the other day. I wanted to buy Spam when it was on special today, but hesitated – it has potato flour in it, and I’m trying to avoid the nightshade family (sort of, although I really can’t do it when I’m eating donated food at churches and stuff), and in reality it was probably kind of silly for me to not get the can of Spam. I can’t control my diet when I’m eating donated church food, and I had potatoes there, and free loaves of bread which contain ingredients I wouldn’t want and are processed in ways I wouldn’t want.

So, I have had food, and I’m so very glad nothing really spoiled yet. I did a very good job at setting the fridge temperature exactly right. I could not have done it without my little thermometer. Fridges ought to come with their own thermometer already in the fridge, with instructions about proper temps for food safety – why they don’t, I don’t know – bloody capitalists! not bothering to warn people that the fridge is able to be set at a temperature that spoils all your food in a day or two!

I’m somewhat joking about ‘capitalists.’ It’s my mindset right now. I’m trying, deliberately, to pay attention to things capitalism is doing wrong, places where capitalism is failing. On some of the ex-libertarian websites I’ve read, they mention beliefs and
assumptions that I myself have, too – for instance, the belief that capitalism is a self-improving, self-correcting process. I don’t see improvement in the directions that I myself value. I see lots of progress and improvement in directions that I disvalue. There’s this belief that if one person fails, another competitor will do a better job of it, but what I’m seeing is, whole groups of people who are all, simultaneously, doing really badly at a whole bunch of stuff, with NOBODY doing any better at those things.

Fridges have been around a long time, guys. We should know by now that they need a thermometer in there and some instructions to educate consumers about the proper temperatures. This is obvious to me, but apparently a tiny little thermometer, which costs a couple cents, is too much to add to a refrigerator. You shouldn’t have to just ‘guess.’ You shouldn’t have to just say, ‘Hmm, I wonder if I should have this set on 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5? Hey look – ‘Energy Saving!’ I’ll use that!’ (and all the food spoils).

Max was watching me eat, and I felt so guilty for feeding him nothing but dry food while I gave myself nice food, that I almost felt ready to go hunting for a job again. I feel like I shouldn’t have these cats because I can’t take care of them as well as I want to. But I haven’t snapped yet and looked for somebody to give them to.

I do have one application filled out, which I might be able to drop off.

Obesity epidemic reduces the number of people joining military. Go obesity!

January 27, 2015

I was watching this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgeS6VcdIVI

and he said, the obesity epidemic is undermining the military. I smell sabotage! It’s true, they do have weight limits for joining the army. I just read a news article about some overweight guy who DIED as a result of losing weight really quickly in an attempt to qualify for the military. Sudden weight loss can cause you to die, but I don’t remember all the reasons why.

This video was about the ‘MyPlate’ or whatever it’s called, the Obama meal plan, which inspired the horrible school lunches that are starving people. All of this wrongly assumes that obesity has ANY CONNECTION WHATSOEVER TO FOOD, which it absolutely does NOT.

Obesity has causes which have nothing to do with food. It’s determined in infancy, or even before you are conceived. It’s also caused by synthetic animal hormones in food, like bovine growth hormone given to dairy cows to make them produce more milk.

Why are farmers frantically forcing their cows to produce more milk? 1. Because they have bills to pay, merely by owning the land – they have to pay the mortgage, the taxes, and the debts for all the infrastructure that they built to put these cows into, and all the equipment. 2. Because it’s more profitable.

I’m guessing it’s probably *possible* to make a profit selling milk from grass-fed, hormone-free dairy cows, as in, it’s probably possible to be able to pay the bills.

‘Not For Profit.’ One of the phrases that I was taught never to say, as a libertarian. The very phrase ‘not for profit’ implies that you are a person who is ignorant of how the market works and how great it is – it implies that you think you are morally superior to
capitalists, and that if you’re moral, you’re not for profit, and people are supposed to be attracted to your product or service because it’s not for profit. I was implicitly or explicitly taught to AVOID anything that said ‘not for profit’ for this reason, as in, if something says ‘not for profit,’ I should run the other way screaming.

This was one of the implicit assumptions in my mind which I wasn’t consciously aware of. If I started a ‘not for profit’ business, which only had to earn enough revenues to pay the bills, or enough revenues to qualify for more bank loans because I would have a high enough debt-to-income ratio, so that I could buy more land, then the result would be that particular groups of people would shun the product or service merely because it used the phrase ‘not for profit.’ I’m an ignorant person who doesn’t understand market processes because I believe that something which is not for profit is morally superior.

Wow, I went off on a tangent.

That was all because I said the synthetic hormones are one of the causes of obesity. The obesity epidemic is reducing the number of people who are eligible to join the military. People cannot join. No matter how hard they try, they cannot lose enough weight, because obesity isn’t caused by food, and they are trying to lose weight by eating less food. Two people can eat exactly the same foods in exactly the same quantities, and one person will be fat for a lifetime, and the other will be thin for a lifetime, because their bodies are permanently different as a result of factors before conception, during fetal development/pregnancy (I’m searching for the right word or phrase to say ‘during the time when you are in the womb’), and in early infancy.

So, if anybody wanted to undermine our American military, then one of the sneaky, underhanded ways they could go about the process of doing that would be to do something to make our population so obese they could not qualify for the military. Who are these Enemies of America causing our people to become obese? Vaccine manufacturers? Is it the vaccines that cause permanent obesity? Baby formula manufacturers? Doctors who give bad advice to pregnant mothers? Drug companies? People telling everyone that it’s perfectly safe to continue using antidepressants while you’re pregnant? Who are these sneaky anti-Americans? Pesticide manufacturers?

There are many different possible causes of permanent obesity. You never know for sure which one of those causes is the most important cause. So you have to simultaneously avoid ALL of those causes without knowing for sure exactly which ones are the most important. I feel perfectly confident that I am capable of raising a thin, non-obese child, because I know a long list of things to avoid.

Transdermal drug residues on clothing and belongings also cause obesity, but this cause is completely unknown to anyone in the English-speaking world except me, as in, I am the only human being who speaks English and writes articles that can be found on google, who knows about this phenomenon. You absolutely cannot find any information about transdermal drug residues anywhere. No one else knows this. I repeat, I am the *ONLY HUMAN BEING* who SPEAKS ENGLISH and WRITES ARTICLES ON THE INTERNET who knows about this phenomenon. There is NO ONE ELSE who knows about this.

I’ve written about it so many times and don’t really feel like writing it all again, but basically, if you either 1. handle medicinal herbs or grow the plants, or 2. take drugs, you are very likely to contaminate all of your clothing and belongings with tiny quantities of invisible oils and residues which cannot be removed by washing. Even though they cannot be removed by washing, they still are able to diffuse into your skin when you wear your clothing, because you only require extremely tiny quantities, as in, ‘homeopathically small’ quantities, an infinitesimally low concentration, to have effects on your body. It is so small that the quantities cannot be detected by any instruments.

So, tiny quantities, a couple molecules at a time, do come out of your clothing, but the mass of it persists in your clothing for years through hundreds of washings. It’s like if you dump vegetable oil onto your clothes and try to wash it out. It will leave a stain forever. You can stain your clothing with colors or smells that stain it and won’t wash out, for years, but yet, just a few molecules of those substances go into your skin when you wear the clothes.

If you are growing medicinal plants, or if you are filling your house with the scents of essential oils, or herbal-scented smoke, or vapors, then you are covering every surface with oils. The oils vaporize off the leaves of the growing plants and land on nearby surfaces.

Again, I, Nicole Binns, am currently the ONLY PERSON ON GOOGLE who is writing about this phenomenon.

I *still* have footprints of ephedra on my floor, right now, because I was unable to completely finish my decontamination before I was forced to move into this apartment, and I had to do it all suddenly without being able to plan any of it or control the spread of the
contamination.

Anyway, if you take prescription drugs, like antidepressants, the drug metabolites come out of your skin and go into your clothing. Your body breaks down the drugs, but not completely. It breaks down the drugs into other drugs that are slightly different, but which still have drug-like effects. It doesn’t completely break them down into, you know, carbon and hydrogen and oxygen molecules all by themselves or something. It just snaps off a couple pieces of the original molecule here and there until it gets a slightly changed molecule which is still a drug. These metabolites come out of your skin in the oils and sweat, and they stain all of your clothing, and then are re-absorbed into your skin in tiny quantities when you put the clothing on later, and they do not completely wash out.

This can cause obesity. If you eat exactly the same foods and change nothing else about your life, but then you put on the clothing of a former prescription drug user, you will suddenly get fat, and you will notice the results in a couple of days. If you keep wearing these clothes over a period of weeks, you will definitely start to notice that you have gotten mysteriously fat.

I know it happens with prescription drugs because of an incident where I visited someone, years ago, a friend who was using prescription psychiatric drugs that made him fat. I saw a photo of him before he took the drugs, and he was a skinny ectomorph, but became quite fat after the drugs. I was touching and hugging this person while I visited him. Afterwards, I started having problems, noticing that I was getting fat, over a period of weeks, and I was also having other strange symptoms. However, I was already aware of my *other* herbal contamination, and had become aware of the phenomenon of contamination in general, and so I knew what to do – I got rid of the articles of clothing that I had worn when I visited him. Instantly, as soon as I stopped wearing those clothes, the fat gain suddenly vanished by itself in a couple days.

I also had to cover the car seat with plastic or whatever I was using at the time – I don’t remember what I covered it with, garbage bags or something, and vinyl fabric at one point. This is one reason I got rid of the car – all the fabric on the floor was covered with large amounts of ephedra which absolutely could not be removed. It kept contaminating everything, everywhere I went.

Furniture and cars get contaminated. Obesity is contagious because transdermal drug residue contamination is contagious, and so many people are using psychiatric drugs that cause obesity.

If somebody attacked all of our population with electronic weapons, forcing them to use psychiatric drugs that cause obesity, that would also be one of the causes of the obesity epidemic which is preventing people from joining the military. And I already know that somebody is attacking all of our population with electronic weapons, tricking them into using psychiatric drugs.

Oh well, rant is over.

Reasons why I totally oppose the spaying and neutering of cats

January 26, 2015

8:48 PM 1/26/2015

I think I remembered what I was going to say earlier today.  I think I was going to comment about spaying and neutering animals.

I’ve been forming this opinion more strongly and explicitly.  At first, it was just an implicit opinion:  I didn’t bother to take any of my animals to go get spayed, neutered, or declawed.  I had three cats that were feral, and one cat that was adopted from a neighbor who was sort of abandoning or ignoring it and didn’t want it anymore, back when I lived in (and/or was visiting) the trailer where my ex-boyfriend used to live.

I did not bother to neuter the two males or spay the female.  The one adopted neighbor’s cat was already neutered.  I didn’t know he was a male.  We thought he was female, and called him ‘Olivia’ (from ‘black olive,’ because he was black and fat and round like an olive).  Then Eric observed that he was a neutered male, or maybe the neighbor told him he was.  So then we called him ‘Oliver.’

Oliver was always fat.  This was the result of being neutered.  Neutering and spaying cats is *THE PRIMARY* cause of their obesity, and I would say, no other cause but that is more important as a cause of animal obesity.  Maybe vaccines also cause obesity, I’m not sure.  Feral cats will never get fat, no matter what food you feed them after you adopt them, as long as you don’t spay or neuter them.  I also didn’t vaccinate mine, so I don’t know.

Humans get fat through no fault of their own even though they are not spayed and neutered, and they get fat from an early age, so it might be vaccinations, along with hormone problems from deformed glands, and xenoestrogens in baby formula, and other stuff – again, I don’t know which is the most important cause, I only know that as a group, all of those things are probably the causes, and if you avoid all of them, you can guarantee a non-obese person.

‘Spaying’ a human female – a hysterectomy – DOES cause a woman to get fat afterwards.

When you spay and neuter an animal, you permanently take away a source of hormones, for the rest of their life.  It causes their bones and their body to develop improperly.  In addition to getting fat, they also get bone deformities such as hip dysplasia, which causes problems with walking – for the rest of their life.

Humans with illnesses like chronic fatigue have observed that a lack of testosterone, or imbalanced hormones of any kind, can cause chronic illness and chronic fatigue.

Cats can’t talk, so we don’t know how much pain they’re in.  Just because they aren’t screaming out loud doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.  It might hurt for weeks or months after the surgery.

It also violates the animal’s trust.  Maybe you think, as long as the animal doesn’t see YOU performing the surgery, it won’t violate his trust with YOU.  As long as somebody else does it, it’s not so bad.  That’s like saying, ‘It’s okay to let some OTHER man out there rape my daughter, as long as I’M not the one doing it.  That won’t harm her psychologically or cause her to have a chronic distrust towards everyone for the rest of her life.’

Humans who oppose body mutiliation such as circumcision have argued that this injury causes a chronic distrust towards everyone, a chronic feeling of vulnerability, a post-traumatic stress that lasts for a lifetime.  The same is true for spayed and neutered animals.

But the part of my argument, which I am in the process of developing right now, the part that I’m still not quite certain of, not quite sure how to explain, goes like this:  People who spay and neuter animals (maybe I’ll just say ‘sterilize’ to make it easier?) are trying to prevent a nonexistent problem, which wouldn’t be so bad if it happened anyway.  And they’re ruining the lives of animals, causing far worse problems and far more suffering, than the very thing they are trying to avoid.

Which is worse:

1. A sterilized animal that’s so enormously obese, it can’t curl up enough to lick itself on the lower back, and so, it is permanently covered with itch mites that cannot be scratched, for a lifetime?  Crawling, biting mites that cause constant torture, and you can’t reach them, and no one understands.  Or if they do, they’ll poison you with horrible pesticides to fix it, fail to fix, and possibly kill you (yes, people accidentally kill their pets with pesticides all the time – do some google searches!).  This obese cat also cannot run fast and cannot move properly as a result of being severely obese.  It probably cannot climb trees well, especially if it has also been declawed (and people who spay and neuter their cats are more likely to declaw them as well).

2. A wild, feral cat who isn’t sterilized and isn’t obese.  It has to hunt for food.  It probably lives close to human civilization.  People think that it’s ‘starving,’ and therefore is suffering SO HORRIBLY that NOTHING ON EARTH COULD EVER POSSIBLY BE WORSE THAN ITS HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, UNBEARABLE, MISERABLE LIFE OF CONSTANT STARVATION.

Are all the other wild animals starving?  Are you losing sleep at night over all the raccoons, possums, whitetail deer, wild birds, mice, and other wild animals that are all ‘starving’ merely because they live in the wild and have to hunt for their own food?  Should they all be sterilized too, to prevent them from reproducing?

The reason why this is a nonexistent problem is, wild female cats DO NOT GET PREGNANT ALL THE TIME.  They can go a very long time without getting pregnant at all, even though they are fertile and free roaming and surrounded by fertile male cats.  When I had the feral female cat, she was never spayed.  She constantly was surrounded by the two fertile male feral cats.  She NEVER GOT PREGNANT in all the time I had her.  If any male cat came close to her, she would angrily scratch and claw them to keep them away.  She did not want to get pregnant.

I have seen or heard of a couple of female stray cats going into heat here around this house.  My landlady was worried because Max was outside when one of them was yowling at night.  He’s not fixed (or should I say, unbroken), and she was hinting that I ought to either get him fixed (break him) or keep him inside, but did not go so far as to actually say that.

People assume that every time a female cat goes into heat, it is GUARANTEED to get pregnant if any fertile males are anywhere nearby.  This is wrong.  They defend themselves by clawing and scratching.  Max had a scratch on his face.  Conner had a scratch and a bite mark on HIS head.  Even Jacob got growled at when he went too close to one of the female cats.  I thought ‘Spot’ was a male, but Mary Jo thought it was a female because it was yowling like it was in heat, and she might be right – Spot could be a female.  Neither Spot nor the other black one have ever gotten pregnant yet even though they have spent a lot of time around Max, who is fertile.  The same was true for Patch, my feral girl cat at the trailer – again, she NEVER got pregnant even though she LIVED WITH two fertile male boy cats.

Cats don’t let themselves get pregnant if they don’t want to.  Maybe they’re not in love.  Am I joking?  No!  Cats can probably fall in love, or feel a lack of love, or a lack of compatibility somehow with another cat.  Maybe they aren’t well fed enough.  They aren’t skin and bones, they’re not ‘starving,’ but they might not be eating tons and tons of food either, and so they don’t get pregnant and don’t allow sex.  Maybe cats only allow sex to happen under ideal conditions.  The body doesn’t want to waste its resources getting pregnant and building babies if conditions are wrong for feeding them (conditions of starvation, the very thing that the do-gooders are terrified of!).  As soon as the cats aren’t getting enough food, they also stop getting pregnant.  They do not just automatically get pregnant every single time they go into heat, and give birth in spite of horrendous starvation, and let their babies all starve, and let their babies have babies who starve.  They just STOP HAVING BABIES, by themselves.  Evolution is not stupid!

So people who want to go out there and sterilize all the wild cats are trying to prevent an imaginary problem that does not exist, will not happen, and wouldn’t even be so bad if it did happen.  If a cat did get pregnant, that implies that it was eating well and its children’s chances are good!  And what’s so wrong with having more cats then?  When a cat is going hungry, it stops getting pregnant!

The stupid insanity of spaying and neutering every little thing that moves at the very earliest possible instant, without worrying at all about the consequences, the horrible health effects, the severe obesity, the lifelong pain and chronic fatigue and other unknown illnesses, the violation and distrust from being horribly injured by a large, powerful human, the deformities of the hips, and all the other terrible consequences of sterilizing cats, all of it to prevent a nonexistent fantasy, this idea that if you don’t sterilize them, they will keep helplessly and automatically reproducing to infinity and all of them starving and suffering for a lifetime, a hell on earth – as though temporary starvation is WORSE THAN permanent obesity, being unable to scratch itches on your lower back, being unable to move, being constantly exhausted and lacking energy and never moving, being violated and in pain, for a lifetime, nonstop, not just temporarily but FOREVER.

You do something that ruins their life FOREVER, to prevent starvation which is TEMPORARY, and not only is starvation temporary, it is also not that horrible.  When you starve to death, you just lie down and sleep for a long time.  Not a bad way to die.

And cats don’t just pile up in bigger and bigger piles until all of them are starving to death.  They move around, they relocate, they find other sources of food, and they STOP REPRODUCING if conditions aren’t good!  What is the problem we’re trying to prevent?  It doesn’t exist!  It’s this insane fantasy that has been implanted into the brains of millions of ‘well-meaning’ people who are trying to dutifully ‘do the right thing.’

For what?  For profit!  Hear that, capitalists?  It’s one of those ‘capitalism’ things again… Vets profit from spaying and neutering cats.

If you are absolutely bound and determined to forcibly prevent your unspayed female cat from getting pregnant, as though she cannot defend herself with her claws the way she normally does against unwanted rapists (you probably declawed her, didn’t you, hypothetical person?), then how hard is it to LOCK HER IN A ROOM for a couple of days during her heat cycle?  Research the heat cycle, find out how long it lasts and how often it happens, and then lock her in a room temporarily when you see signs that it’s happening.

If you merely do this, then she can keep her uterus, keep that hormone source which is necessary for her health and necessary for preventing obesity, keep her trust and happiness and lack of fear of humans, forever, for a lifetime.

watching military videos on youtube

January 26, 2015

11:40 AM 1/26/2015

Most likely, I am going to work *one* job, not two, and get food stamps. It will be a reduction in how many hours I’m working. I will still be able to consider looking for a sit-down desk job; however, if I don’t have a motor vehicle (even a motorized bicycle, the project that was temporarily abandoned but which I still intend to try in the future), I won’t be able to get to the jobs easily, and I want to avoid riding my bike a whole lot too, unless I want to spend a lot of money to get a specially redesigned bike that won’t strain my knees and hips.

I’m watching videos that show what it’s like at the beginning of boot camp, not just for the army, but for the Marines, too. Jesse was watching videos about what it was like in the army before he left.

The drill seargents (or sargents, or however you spell it) are LSE/ESTJ types. They are capable of constantly generating a stream of detailed, specific commands (+Te). Take the cards out of your wallet and put them into the small bag, etc.

In the Marines video that I watched, one guy had the misfortune of somehow getting the string tangled or stuck on the white net bag that he was supposed to be pulling shut with the string, and he kept on struggling with it, surely a mortifying experience, while the rest of the group had already finished, and the drill seargent was shouting at him, not in an angry way, but in the default way, because it is their way that they must always shout.

He kept on struggling, and the seargent took it from him, again not in an angry or unkind way, and shouted ‘I’LL TIE IT FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU CAN’T DO IT,’ and I could actually hear compassion expressed in his shout, not meanness. I laughed. It was funny and sad. He wasn’t saying, you’re a retard, you can’t tie this bag shut. He meant instead, oops, you somehow got it tangled, bad luck, I’ll help you instead of just telling you to do it. It was sort of a bonding experience.

There were things that I liked about the military. I liked it that they were teaching you how to read maps. They had those topographical maps in one of the online lessons that Jesse was supposed to study before he left. I liked it that they told you the names of visible features of the mountains – there was this mnemonic, ‘Hidden Valley Ranch Salad Dressing.’ I might not remember what it means, let me think. Hill, Valley, Ridge, Saddle, Depression. I liked it that they had words for every letter of the alphabet, so that you would be able to hear it in spite of noise, interference, or someone’s accent – Alpha, Bravo, and all that (I didn’t memorize them).

I won’t be able to support what they are doing, because I have learned about things like false flag incidents and people behind the scenes paying people to cause trouble so that they can go to war for some other reason. They really do set up fake excuses to go to war. The average soldier does not know or does not believe this, apparently – apparently, they believe whatever the people on the TV news are telling them about the war.

And some of the worst wars going on are the ones being done by our allies, like Israel, against the people who they are taking the land away from. Countries taking the land away from the people – I don’t remember exactly where it was, but there were these enormous, gigantic, expensive trucks and bulldozers, gigantic things,
specialized machines that somebody was using to destroy entire houses, while the people were still living in them. That kind of thing is going on out there, and oftentimes, that’s the side that ‘we’ are supporting and/or ignoring. We go and fight the fake wars, while ignoring the really bad things that our own allies are doing. I don’t recall if that had to do with Israel or not, I suspected it did, but I would need to verify that. Apparently we don’t like to fight against enemies who have enough wealth and power to buy those big, expensive, house-wrecking machines.

I was going to talk about something else, I just forget what. I need to somehow get the mail today, very soon. I have to renew my UPS Store mail slot before tomorrow! I also need to somehow get out to the place where they have the welfare office thingy. None of this will be easy in the snow.

I really wanted to mention something else and I’m trying to remember what it was. It’s bothering me.

I don’t know. Maybe I’ll remember it later today.

My fridge food is still edible!

January 25, 2015

I was a little worried, thinking some of it had spoiled. But, thanks to my many years of experience and training in the food industry, I knew that a fridge must be set to 40 degrees or lower to keep the food fresh. 🙂 It wasn’t set that low when I first got here – it was warm, and I could feel it when I opened the fridge. I put in my thermometer and then changed the fridge setting to keep it always at 40 or just below. The food started staying fresh immediately. As long as you do that, your food will last quite a long time in the fridge. It really makes a HUGE difference. For some reason, 40 is a magic number (that’s my age, too, uh-oh!) – as soon as it gets just one degree over 40, it starts to spoil very rapidly, over a few hours. You’d think that the effect would gradually get worse – the more it is over 40, the faster it spoils – and yeah, that’s true, but even if it’s only ONE degree over 40, the food spoils rapidly within a few hours.

I’ve experienced it. I remember drinking a milkshake at McDonald’s not too long ago, and we had a brand new little cooler that wasn’t working (new store fiasco!). They were keeping the shake mix in there, and it was over 40, like 43 or 42 or something. I drank the shake and immediately felt as though something was wrong – it made me sick and I couldn’t drink it and had to throw it away. That’s when I went to look at the fridge to see if something was wrong, and it was only barely just over 40. If a dairy product is only a couple degrees over 40, I am able to tell something is wrong as soon as I start drinking it.

So, I ate some of my leftovers – some of the spinach with pancetta ham, some of the little crayfish, some of the cooked beets that I made, seemingly, ages ago – they were all still good, and also some of the grassfed Amish blue cheese, and the last pickle slices. I also had Earl Grey tea from Mary Jo, which contains bergamot, which I have never tried before, and it seems to be having no effect right now, which means it will probably hit me hours and hours from now. I also still have my loaf of rye bread that I got for free from the church, but bread is sort of anti-nourishing, something which, perhaps, actively depletes you of nutrients – I am not certain of this, but sometimes, eating antinutrients could be worse than eating nothing at all. I haven’t been in a situation of starving so badly that I could test this theory. But, I have eaten today. I think I was actually a little bit sick yesterday, and Max the cat was sick too – he didn’t throw up, but he wanted to sleep all day and didn’t want to go outside even though it was ‘warm,’ above freezing.

I will probably get food stamps. Beans and rice, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, do not qualify as ‘food.’

January 24, 2015

Today I filled out the form to apply for food stamps and other help. The food stamps, I probably will get. Anything else, probably not. I’m not sure if I have to pay for Medicaid or not. Mom desperately wants me to get Medicaid, but I am totally opposed to all forms of ‘insurance’ regardless of how ‘low’ the price is.

So if I have to pay for Medicaid at all, I just won’t get it. But I’m going to apply and at least ask the lady about it when I go there.

It’s too hard to find the information online. You can, but it takes enormous patience and the ability to not get distracted by a hundred other things. And sometimes there are other rules or exceptions to the rules and it’s just easier to find out by asking someone.

I looked at one of many articles about food stamps. Some people were debating because the government was threatening to cut the amount of money people could get, in some particular state or something.

This article was extremely annoying, and it answered my question of just how much a person can realistically buy with food stamps. I don’t pay attention to how much money I spend on food, but I spend a lot of money, and I also buy high quality special foods, and avoid junk food. I could probably try to spend a little bit less if I made a conscious choice to do it, but there is a lower limit where I am very unhappy about compromising on food quality and nutrition.

This article made it sound like I would, indeed, have to compromise drastically on food quality and nutrition. This senator or some dude was bragging about how easy it would be to get tons and tons of perfectly good food with the amount of money you would be getting from food stamps. And then, he went on to list the things he bought, and where he bought them, and, you guessed it, it was the absolute WORST CASE SCENARIO of the Standard American Diet, the most horrible and malnourishing garbage available. He even included the inevitable ‘beans and rice.’

Just because you can put something in your mouth and swallow it without dropping dead does not mean that this is a good, healthy diet that you should be eating for long periods of time. It prevents caloric starvation, and that’s about all. There wasn’t a single meat item listed in there. Meat? Who cares! We’ve got some inferior plant-based protein and plant oils! This guy showed that he has absolutely no knowledge of nutrition whatsoever.

And I was forced to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in my box lunches for all the years that I went to public school, and I can personally attest to the fact that peanut butter and jelly should be categorized as a ‘nonfood.’ Again, just because something contains calories doesn’t mean that’s it’s perfectly fine for you to be eating lots and lots of it.

*****************

http://watchdog.org/91040/gop-shopper-its-a-snap-to-live-on-reduced-food-stamp-allotment/

Donny Ferguson, agriculture policy adviser to Rep. Steve Stockman, R-Texas, said he was able to buy enough food to eat well for a week on just $27.58.

“I wanted to personally experience the effects of the proposed cuts to food stamps. I didn’t plan ahead or buy strategically, I just saw the publicity stunt and made a snap decision to drive down the street and try it myself. I put my money where my mouth is, and the proposed food stamp cuts are still quite filling,” said Ferguson.

“We can cut the proposed benefits by an additional 12.4 percent and still be able to eat for a week,” said Ferguson. “Not only am I feeding myself for less than the SNAP Challenge, I will probably have food left over.”

What food is left over at the end of the week will be donated to a food bank, along with the $3.92 Ferguson had left over from the $31.50 SNAP Challenge figure.

Ferguson said he did not use coupons or other discount programs.

Ferguson purchased his food at the Dollar Tree and Shopper’s Food Warehouse located in the 6100 block of Little River Turnpike in Alexandria. It is served by Metrobus and within bike and walking distance of public housing.

….

For $21.55, Ferguson purchased at Dollar Tree:

Two boxes of Honeycomb cereal

Three cans of red beans and rice

Jar of peanut butter

Bottle of grape jelly

Loaf of whole wheat bread

Two cans of refried beans

Box of spaghetti

Large can of pasta sauce

Two liters of root beer

Large box of popsicles

24 servings of Wyler’s fruit drink mix

Eight cups of applesauce

Bag of pinto beans

Bag of rice

Bag of cookies

For $6.03 at the Shoppers Food Warehouse next door Ferguson bought a gallon of milk and a box of maple and brown sugar oatmeal.

**********************************

I’m still reading Marx a bit (just the history of the land grabbing process) and also reading some libertarians and ex-libertarians. I still do actually agree with and believe a lot of things the libertarians believe.

I think I had a way to sum it up today. Just because I’m being anti-capitalist doesn’t mean I’m being pro-government. In fact, both of them are probably my enemies. Oh no! That’s even worse! Evil capitalists on the one hand, and evil government on the other! It’s just that I wasn’t allowing myself to ever say the phrase ‘evil capitalists’ before, or think of them that way. But I’m starting to feel that the corporations could be doing a LOT MORE to improve the quality of life, and the rate of pay, and the work environment, for the low level workers, which they are not doing, and instead, they just keep on paying multimillion dollars salaries to the upper level executives.

It’s not a *priority* for them, is what I’m saying. If you want to improve somebody’s quality of life, then you have to make it a conscious goal to do so. You have to have it on your list of things to do. You have to have a list item that says ‘Do something to improve workers’ quality of life and work environment.’ If that item is not on their list, then it will not happen. They have many, many things on their list, but that one is not on there, or else just way, wayyy at the bottom, in a perfunctory way, just to pretend they’re doing something about it.

And I wasn’t allowing myself to think the thought, that the reason why that item isn’t on their list of things to do, is because they are greedy, and they would rather pay themselves enormous salaries so they can buy a couple more mansions. If I were an objectivist/libertarian, I’d be required to say, ‘That’s all right – it’s okay to be greedy, nothing wrong with that – individualism! Go after what you want, and get it for yourself, and let no one take it from you – property rights!’

But now, I am starting to judge them negatively for their greed. I no longer view greed as a neutral, okay, or admirable quality. There’s some point where you should just stop buying more mansions and more drunken parties, and start spending your money to help improve other people’s quality of life, because other people exist in the world besides you.

A libertarian might say: capitalists would feel more charitable if their money wasn’t being taken from them in the taxes. But are the poor people to blame for that? Do THEY control what the government is doing? Just because ONE bad guy steals your money from you, doesn’t mean you have to stop being charitable to ANOTHER person who DIDN’T steal your money from you, but is in need of help. Does the government steal your money, and waste it on crap that you don’t want to spend it on, like wars in foreign countries? Well, the poor starving people (who are also paying taxes) aren’t responsible for the government doing that – they don’t control what the government does. You should still be charitable to them, separately, in spite of the fact that the government stole your money. You, and also the starving poor people, are all victims of the government, and you’re in a good position to help your fellow sufferers.

Because, I am saying, the government ISN’T helping the people enough. The government is allegedly supposed to be helping the people, but it’s doing a bad job of it. They’re taking away the capitalists’ money, spending it to kill brown people in foreign countries, and then cutting their food stamp budgets so that we have to eat mac ‘n’ cheese from the Dollar Store.

The poor people, and the government, are not all one unified enemy who are all ganging up on the rich capitalists and stealing their money. The government steals from everybody, both the rich and the poor, and the poor are hurt by it the most, and maybe the poor are clamoring for someone to steal more money from the rich people, but meanwhile, the government is wasting the money they’ve already got, egregious waste, and stealing more money isn’t really necessary. The poor people cannot control HOW the government spends its money, and the poor people can’t really just demand what they want from the government and get it, instantly.

The concept of a non-unified enemy: there are some people in each group who are not in agreement with what the rest of the group is doing, and that applies to government, and capitalists, and poor starving people. And there might be a few somewhat nice-ish branches of the government.

I guess the new idea that I am still coping with is, my ability to judge capitalists as greedy and bad, for their being indifferent to the quality of life of the workers, for their total lack of desire to improve life for their workers, for not putting quality of life as a high priority on their list of things to do. I’m saying they should, they don’t, and that’s bad.

And I am saying that this applies in a very general way to a very large group of people, corporations, super wealthy people, big businesses.

There could be exceptions to this, too. Maybe some huge super-wealthy corporation somewhere is, right now, devoting part of its budget to the explicit task of improving somebody’s quality of life in a physical, material, immediate way. I’m not talking about Bill Gates vaccinating and sterilizing black people, either, or Monsanto giving them GMO crops that they can’t save the seeds from for next year.

I’m still just trying to cope with this idea, this awareness, this judgment of somebody somewhere, some vague and faraway group of people. I can’t really label that group of people, so I’m struggling to find the label for them, and the temporary label is ‘capitalists,’ but that’s not complete either. There is some vague group of people who, I once believed, WOULD care about improving human life, and would be capable of doing so, and would be willing to do so, and WOULD ACTUALLY DO IT, if they were free to do it, if only they weren’t burdened by excessive government regulations. That’s how I saw it. I saw these imaginary people, at first, who were so pinched for money that they couldn’t spare a SINGLE PENNY on improving quality of life or donating anything to charity, due to the fact that they were so squeezed by all the government regulations upon them.

But then I started reading about the enormous salaries of the high level executives, while simultaneously, I saw, with my own eyes, just how idiotic and insane are the business decisions made by those same high-paid upper level executives. You’re paying those insane retards HOW much money to do WHAT? Which I, and all of my coworkers, could instantly do today, right now, a hundred times better than you can, while being paid minimum wage???? And yet you somehow don’t have a single penny to spare for us, to raise our wages, to improve our working conditions, to even have a clue what is going on in our store, to even have a clue what happens in the day to day business
operations, and to just simply NOT EVEN GIVE A FUCK?

I’m just saying, there IS some other option for how they spend their money. They are NOT totally squeezed for money, they are NOT pinched so tightly with all their expenses and regulations, that there’s not a single penny left for us at the bottom. There is plenty of room to move, if only they will cut their ‘sacred cows,’ the high paid upper level managers.

So maybe I am overgeneralizing. Maybe that’s just how things are in that particular corporation. But I think it’s that way in a lot of corporations.

And then I’m going on further to remind myself that billions of people don’t even want to live this way at all, we want to live as
subsistence farmers and hunter-gatherers. We didn’t choose to live this way.

I’m grouchy – I only ate bread and Coke and a few nibbles of little snacks that I have in my room. I’ve actually got a couple things in the fridge which I can eat, I just wasn’t really in the mood to eat them, but I might. I am not doing well eating a lot of bread. I’m showing the typical schizophrenia-autistic bread-eating behavior patterns, such as, for example, rocking back and forth rhythmically while I’m sitting, which is caused by eating wheat. I do not know which aspect of wheat causes this problem, whether it is the gluten, or the Roundup herbicide, or what. I only know that people with these symptoms improve when they stop eating wheat. I got rye bread, but it is not pure rye – it contains wheat as well. It also contains gluten.

I do not know when I will take the piece of paper back to give them my application for the food stamps. I don’t remember when they’re open. I guess I could safely assume they’re probably not going to be open on Sunday, tomorrow.

Being in this position really, really makes me want to do my own charity, MY WAY, to do what I think needs to be done, in the way that I think it needs to be done. I wish that I had the money and power to do so. I am aware that the world is desperately in need of charity. I was always aware of that, but now, even more so.

I probably won’t be able to get the cash assistance. I’m guessing. I would love to get something permanent, like disability payments, and I’ll try to talk to her about that, but I really, really doubt that they are going to take any of my illnesses seriously enough to give me disability payments for them, permanently. If I weren’t working, and had an income, I would have enough free time and mental energy to devote myself to other projects, including something like starting my own business.

My body *really* is not in good shape. I’ve been using tons and tons of caffeine. My hips hurt, and I’m stiff when I get up out of bed and get into a standing position, and I walk stooped over at first. Riding a bike isn’t helping my hips or my knees. Neither is all the caffeine. Neither is going back to work at a minimum wage job where I have to run around at high speed.

A long time ago, I did work doing data entry on the computer, at temp jobs, but apparently, I’m ‘not allowed’ to do those jobs anymore. I worked at State of the Art, Inc, which makes electronic components that are, most likely, used for evil purposes like building electronic weapons and mind control satellites, which I did not know at the time when I was working there. So, I worked for the military-industrial complex without realizing it, although I realized soon enough that this had something to do with the military, because the military was always one of our buyers.

You can get paid minimum wage if all you do is sit down quietly at a desk all day long typing on a computer. I was being paid, maybe, $10 an hour, I think. I had chronic fatigue, but it was not so bad when I worked at a sit-down commputer job. I still had some energy when I went home at night, and I had a life.

Maybe I should just take it upon my own initiative to go out and buy a wheelchair and just start riding around in the wheelchair for the heck of it, so that I’m not using my hips and knees anymore, a couple decades sooner than I really have to. That’s where this is going, eventually, but I’m still at the stage where I’m able to use them. I’m just wearing them down, causing pain and arthritis, overusing them, and ignoring the pain, taking tons of caffeine which makes all the pain go away, so I can keep running and running, faster and faster, riding my bike, walking around, standing up all day and running all over the place at my minimum wage fast food jobs. If I had a good diet and no caffeine and was decontaminated properly, my bones might heal, my bone density might increase again, and I might be okay.

I do not know whether the bisphenol-A from my dental fillings will contribute to osteoporosis or not. It is a xenohormone.

I am thinking of other people who had knee or hip surgery. My coworker from McD, ‘Nam,’ an old lady from Korea, I think – we could hardly understand her when she talked, but we loved her. She was a very, very good worker, for many many years, but her knees wore down, and eventually, she took time off work to get surgery and have her knees replaced.

Unfortunately, it went badly. She came back and talked to some of us. I used to work overnights with her, so she knew me well, and she told me what happened. The knee surgery wasn’t very good for her, and she was in pain and could not use her new fake knees very well at all anymore. She was standing and walking, but would not be able to work full time running around all night long forever and ever with the new fake knees.

Removing any body part and replacing it with a fake one is always very risky. It doesn’t matter what material it’s made out of, it’s going to irritate the surrounding tissues, which will always be inflamed and painful, always trying to remove the toxic substances, but unable to remove them. I know my dental fillings, the plastic ones, leach plastic into my cheeks and face, causing them to swell. Other victims on the internet have reported that plastic dental fillings gave them so much swelling in their faces and noses that they constantly had sinus infections. Mercury dental fillings will also do the same thing, so it’s both. Any object, regardless of the material, which is implanted in your body, poisons you, and so fake implanted knees are probably not going to be painless like your original knees were.

I have to either get ‘permission’ from ‘them’ to be allowed to work doing a computer desk job again, which requires a PROJECT – I have to go to the temp agencies and do some stuff. I also should have a motor vehicle to drive to wherever the job is, because it won’t be convenient. Or I would have to apply on my own initiative to local jobs nearby without going through the temp agencies, and I’ve tried that before – it doesn’t work very well at all. It also takes a lot of TIME.

People don’t respect you if you just walk in and tell them you’re interested in working there and you hand them a resume. The only reason it would ever occur to me to even TRY that is because I read a book called ‘What Color Is Your Parachute?’ which made me aware that sometimes, people will hire you for a job even if they themselves hadn’t actually ‘posted’ this job anyplace yet. Sometimes, they do need to hire someone, but it hasn’t reached the critical point yet where they feel desperate enough to put up an ad someplace, and so, you can actually walk in, find out if they need anyone, and start working there. He also said it helps if you know somebody who works there, but I am antisocial and I never know anybody. (The author was some kind of extraverted ethical type, perhaps an ENFJ or an ENFP, somebody who just naturally walks around, makes friends with people, and is aware of potentials and opportunities.)

Anyway that’s why I believed it *might* be possible to just walk in to some business that I was interested in, even if they hadn’t officially posted that they were hiring. I haven’t tried that in years, though.

So I would have to ‘get permission’ to do that sort of project, and I haven’t wanted to, because I’ve wanted to be on the verge of leaving this town, and any kind of high-paying job is more of a long term investment, not something you work at for a month and then leave. I’ve thought for the last couple years that I was just on the verge of leaving this town, but it has not happened yet. So I kept on refusing to invest in any projects that required long term growth of any kind.

And I cannot muster up the will to do challenging projects whenever ‘they,’ the voices, the attackers, are not actively encouraging me to. I’m not taking pills now – I’m not on antidepressants – and so I’m not willing to just run out and do crazy random things on a whim anymore. I’m more cautious. I could still do it, but I would be less inclined to obey whatever suggestions they wanted to force me to obey. In the past, they would have had more control over where I went to work, because they could have forced me to have an impulse to go there and apply for a job. Now that I am non-manic, it takes a lot more energy to go do anything risky or unusual.

And I would not be allowed to go work at places like State of the Art anymore, now that I have learned about the existence of evil and greed. There are probably dozens and dozens of evil businesses in this town, military-industrial businesses, which are explicitly making soul-murder weapons under the broad light of day, and hiring temps from the temp agencies without informing them, ‘Welcome, new temp! Just for your information, this corporation is evil! If you knew what we were building, you wouldn’t want to work here! And if you try to leave this job and go inform the world what you’ve seen here, we’ll kill you! Enjoy your stay!’

Oh well. Capitalists. Military-industrial complex, and all that.

I don’t remember what I was saying. I’m sure I was off on some tangent ranting about something.

Oh yeah, knee and hip replacements. They’re not good. Now’s the time for me to start being gentle on my knees and hips, and eating a nourishing diet, and avoiding all of the chemicals that worsen osteoporosis and osteoarthritis. I’m 40. Jesse loves me, but I’m old. I really am. It wouldn’t be bad to be old, if only I were succeeding at all of my goals and projects, but I am not. Time is being wasted. Time is *hemorrhaging* out of my life.

That’s the thing about this life, about modern society. If I had started having children at age 12 the way God intended, then I wouldn’t be having this problem! Think I’m being sarcastic? I’m not. If I could do it all over again, I would be having babies at age 12, and getting all that over with, and THEN wasting my time on stuff like ‘education’ AFTERWARDS! Or during. I could educate myself while still having babies at age 12. I just think that you should do age-appropriate activities. When you’re young, have babies. When you’re old and wise and mature and experienced, start reading books and learning things and educating yourself, because that’s the moment when your brain, and your life experience, is ready to learn and understand things better than you ever could when you were younger. I believe in homeschooling. Surely there would be ways to educate myself while staying at home with my babies, if the world and society were set up the way I believe they ought to be.

I wouldn’t fear death if I had already had my children. For me personally, the fear of death is due to the fact that I am childless. I really am afraid to die. I’m not ready. I did not do what I was meant to do. I did not fulfill my mission on earth. My mission was to have children, and then, later on, afterwards, to help society, and also to enjoy my own life individually. I had several missions. I haven’t really fulfilled a single one of them. I have just struggled, and suffered, and been attacked, and been afflicted with chronic fatigue and chemical sensitivity. I couldn’t even save money yet. And so, I’m afraid of dying because there were things I wanted to do and didn’t get done yet. People shouldn’t have to be afraid of dying! I wouldn’t worry about ‘woe is me, I’m getting old,’ if only I had already had my children. It would be, ‘I’m getting old, but I’ve lived a good life, and my children will go on after I’m gone. I can relax now and be at peace, in life and in death.’ That is how it should be. That is how it was in primitive cultures when they *did* have children at a very early age.

I think I have ranted about all the tangents. I guess I probably must wait till Monday to turn in the application for government help. Mom is sending me another check, too, and I can go try to pick that up – it might be there at the mailbox at the UPS store right now. My cats are eating only dry food, and they are not happy about that, understandably. I hate feeding my cats bad food for long periods of time. It’s okay if I only go a day or two without wet food, but I’ve gone days and days and days now.

You’re not supposed to buy cat food with food stamps, but 1. supposedly, according to legend (I’m not sure if I’ll risk it), they have ‘no way to enforce’ the rules about what you can, and can’t, buy with the food stamps card, and so, allegedly, some people are buying cat food anyway; and, 2. even if I don’t buy cat food with food stamps, that shouldn’t stop a smart person like me, right? I advocate raw meat diets for cats anyway. I’ll just get them some real meat, and they’ll probably be THRILLED. They’ll be eating better on food stamps than they did when I was earning an income. I just don’t have a meat grinder, so it’s awkward, but I’ll figure something out, if I do that. I’d also have to buy them organ meats, because muscle meat is not sufficient and not appropriate. Wild cats do not just go and eat the muscle meats, they rip into the belly of the animal and eat the organs first, and if you keep wild lions in the zoo, they won’t reproduce if all you feed them is muscle meat – you have to feed them raw liver and things like that, to make them fertile enough to reproduce. So, being aware of this, I probably will not just get chicken legs or something, but will have to find some kind of organ meats – and all of this depends on how long I go without an income.

To get cash assistance, you are required to actively search for three jobs a week. That’s not food stamps, that’s welfare money. If you’re not searching for jobs, you’re not allowed to get welfare. That doesn’t work well for someone like me who is on strike from the entire society because I hate everything and everyone and don’t want to participate in this anymore. I don’t WANT to find another job. That’s why I’m thinking of disability payments instead.

But that might be the ‘take these pills because you have
schizophrenia’ pathway, which means throwing pills down the toilet, lying about it, and, perhaps, learning to be a very good actress who is able to mimic all the side effects of drugs. I’ll have to walk into the psychiatrist’s office looking like a brain-dead zombie, and I’ll make up a list of fake side effects that I’m experiencing, so that he can change my medications every week, and raise and lower the dosages, just like a real patient-victim would do.

Doc, I feel like I want to have sex all the time, and the feeling never goes away, but I can’t masturbate, and I can’t talk about this with anybody! What’s going on??? Doc, I feel like my brain is in a fog all the time, I can’t think at all and I don’t have any emotions! What’s going on? Could it possibly be my schizophrenia medications that are causing this problem? Doc, I’ve been having violent and suicidal thoughts! I must need more medication!

Yeah, I’d have to be a really good actress. It would be extremely unusual for the patient-victim to go there every week and not have ANY PROBLEMS AT ALL. Problems are the norm. You are EXPECTED to have a million side effects and walk around like a brain-dead zombie and talk in a rambling monotone while shuffling your feet and twitching your hands around and grunting and making weird squinty faces (all side effects, some of which are permanent).

So… food stamps, almost definitely, I’ll be able to get them, but I doubt that I can get anything else, and I doubt that I would be willing to do all the lying and cheating and tricking that I would have to do in order to get those things.

Meanwhile, I will want to fix the world with a charity of my own, which I am powerless to create at this time. The world must be fixed.

huge anti-capitalism rant again; the attitude of entitlement, free food at the church, socionics ranting, indigos and starseeds and Ascension, the downside of capitalism when a business fails

January 23, 2015

1:26 PM 1/23/2015

I’m not sure how long this post will be, but I always go off on tangents. I’ve been using vivarin pills for the past few weeks, which is contributing to my extremely lengthy blog posts. I have a bunch of stuff that all starts to come up in my mind as soon as I start to write, and I can’t say it all fast enough.

1. what happened at the church dinner
2. ‘entitlement,’ the indigo kids
3. socionics
4. anaya religion
5. applying for govt benefits, riding my bike out there

I guess I will try to say the quickest things first. I was reading something online about ‘indigos.’ I’ve heard of them many times before. After I went to a church dinner last night, I heard voices in my head saying that somebody thought I must be a ‘starseed.’ I like to fantasize that I’m something special, so I went along with this idea. Sure, I’m a starseed! I have some kind of alien soul in my body and I’m here to help prepare Earth for the Ascension so that we can start some intergalactic trade with all those other planets and aliens that are out there. I’ve been fantasizing that I was ‘somebody special’ ever since I was a little kid, so this ‘indigo’ and ‘starseed’ stuff works for me.

In theory, I do believe in the existence of aliens. I also understood the ‘Fermi Paradox,’ if I’m recalling the name correctly. Some people asked, ‘If there are aliens out there, why haven’t they contacted us?’ and then they thought of a bunch of possible scenarios to explain why they had not (including the scenario, ‘they already have contacted us, but the government is hiding it,’ which was quickly dismissed with contempt but he said he had to mention it).

In reality, I have no way of knowing whether aliens are already contacting us – I have no means of gathering the evidence, and I’m preoccupied with my own life struggles at the moment, so I can’t devote myself to the project of finding evidence for and against the presence of aliens on this planet. It’s kind of not urgent, unless they’re threatening to blow the planet up. I probably could not do much about it if they were.

But I like the idea of Ascension. It’s one of those New Age beliefs. I’ve dabbled in it from time to time. People tell themselves that there’s something special about them, and that’s why they feel like they don’t fit in to the rest of society. Sure! That applies to me!

I also know about mind control, and so I have no way of knowing if, perhaps, everything these people are experiencing, such as telepathy and remote viewing of alien planets and aliens themselves, are nothing more than fake images implanted into their minds by human beings on earth. How disappointing, but how believable – that’s something somebody would do. It calms people down and soothes them. They reassure themselves, thinking that superior aliens are coming along soon to help us fix this planet. Somebody’s gonna come along and give us immortality, and people will behave a lot better when they’re not scared of death anymore. That kind of thing. Soothing the humans of earth, giving them pleasant fantasies, is something that the mind control system is always trying to do. (Although, if you’re taking prescription drugs or antidepressants, then the mind control system suddenly becomes the enemy, and it will attack you and harass and torture you until you snap and go kill other people or yourself.)

My own particular mind control program has been training me to believe that I’m somebody special, that I’m going to do something really big and important (besides suffering from lifelong chronic fatigue syndrome and spending a huge amount of time in bed or writing blogs). So yeah, if I go someplace to eat dinner at the church and I come home feeling like I’m somebody big and important afterwards, sure, why not?

I was reading about the Indigos. Supposedly, some person noticed that a lot of people were being born with an indigo aura. This coincides with the time period during which more and more people are being born with deformities, more people are being born to mothers who were using prescription antidepressants during their entire pregnancy, more people are getting autism from vaccinations, and so on – basically, more deformities and more mental illnesses resulting from drugs, malnutrition, chemicals, vaccines, and other factors.

There is also a phenomenon called ‘highly sensitive people,’ or ‘sensory processing sensitivity,’ and I believe in this. I’ve noticed that some people are more verbose, and some people are more terse, regardless of their personality type. Some people can say it in five words or less and be done with it. You quickly express one brief emotion and one quick observation sums it up, and it’s over and done with and nothing else needs to be done with it. But with me, or other highly sensitive people, your brain wants to keep on worrying and worrying over that piece of information, picking it apart further and further, extrapolating it in more detail, and you just can’t say it in fifteen words or less. If you don’t get out all the details, then you haven’t said what you needed to say.

That applies to me. I can’t enjoy deep conversations with other people, and I describe everyone as ‘shallow,’ because they get impatient whenever I try to dig deeper and deeper into some piece of information that we are talking about. I can’t just spit something out and then move on to the next shallow topic. I have to dig deeper and deeper and deeper into this one, particular, fascinating topic, which can go on for hours and hours if someone is responding the right way.

The last time I had this type of conversation was with my best friend Rachael many years ago, and I have not had any opportunities for that kind of conversation since then. ‘They’ forced me to immediately destroy my developing relationship with Rick as soon as I discovered him online. He was a highly verbose ENFP, and in our very few emails, before we were ripped apart by the mind control attacks forcing me to harass him, we *did* start to get into deep, detailed conversations, and I discovered his ability to do this, to talk that way, to extrapolate or whatever the word is, to unfold every detail within every phrase of every sentence, only to find that there are even more details underneath that. There’s a word I’m looking for, I just can’t remember what it is. It means something like ‘to unfold.’ Explicate – that’s it. I guess that’s the opposite of ‘implicate.’

It’s this awareness of the infinite detail of reality. Reality’s detail has no end. You can go deeper and deeper into a piece of information and its meta-information and the meta-meta-information, only to find infinite endless layers of more information about that information.

So… that describes me.

Oh, ‘entitlement.’ I was just going to comment that, while reading about indigos, I saw somebody said indigos project a sense of ‘entitlement,’ the feeling that they deserve to be here. That was a strange and interesting thought. A young child who projects this awareness that they deserve to exist. It’s like some alien race put their soul here for a purpose (according to this belief system). I was put here, I belong here, I deserve to be here.

I was seeing a different form of entitlement yesterday. There is this idea of self-esteem, of knowing that I deserve to exist. Then there is also the ‘church dinner entitlement.’

Somebody online told me about a particular church that made free dinners on Thursday nights every week. In the distant past, my parents (my mother, actually) were officially Episcopalian. We didn’t go to church, and I grew up as an atheist, although I have always been interested in religion and tended to be attracted to people who were religious. When I got therapy, briefly, from Judith Swack, one of her questions was, what religion was I, officially, even if I wasn’t practicing it? She was using the official religion as part of the therapy because she believed that it played some important role in your psychology and your beliefs even if you didn’t go to church.

Note, I am not condoning Judith Swack’s therapy. I watched her on youtube recently and was… displeased… with all the same things that had bothered me while I attempted to get therapy from her. I only discovered she existed because Nathaniel Branden (R.I.P.) mentioned her, along with the Thought Field Therapy dude,
what’s-his-face, as being another interesting therapist who was using unusual methods and getting results.

I researched both of them and taught myself TFT, which *does* actually work, although nowhere near as miraculously as they claim. It is a method of temporarily soothing yourself while you are anxious, by pressing on particular points on the body, and you can accomplish similar effects by getting a hug or a massage, but it is more focused, more prolonged, and you can do it to yourself while meditating on some subject that makes you anxious, angry, etc.

I have used it effectively, but you cannot use it while being constantly bombarded by electronic torture. It requires you to focus, and if you are being electronically zapped, or being electronically polluted with non-directed radio smog from cell phones and everything, then all the constant noise and zapping will undo all of the relaxation and focus that you can achieve with TFT. In a shielded room, yes, it works quite well, and you can give yourself therapy and change your own mental processes, which is what I was always trying to do, for as long as I can remember, change my own mental processes, control my own mind, control my own beliefs, make myself able to do things and improve my life. I cannot do that now. It will not happen until I either get an effective shield, or relocate to a place where, for some reason, nobody is attacking me (Green Banks, WV, with the big satellite dish antenna thing, maybe, or maybe an extremely isolated and underpopulated region in the Arctic, or something).

So anyway, I took the suggestion from Nathaniel Branden’s web page and was curious to try her therapy, but for me personally, it was absolutely horrible. I only gathered a few tiny ‘grains of truth’ from it, which I have remembered. I suspect she might possibly be a conflictor, and getting psychotherapy from your socionic conflictor is probably not the best idea. I’m not 100% sure of her socionic type though.

I’ve been reading about religions. I read about Buddhism. I read about Bahai, because it turns out that’s my landlady’s religion. She discovered it while traveling in Fiji, and it felt better to her than her original Catholic religion, which she was struggling with at the time. Bahai is a more recently created religion, kind of like the way Mormonism is a recent religion, something that came up in the past few hundred years, and Scientology.

I’m interested in intentional communities, and I absolutely love Diana Leafe Christian (I once typed her as an LSE, but I’m probably wrong – most likely, she’s just another EIE). Being mind controlled, ‘steered,’ and trained to believe that I’m ‘somebody special who’s gonna do something big in the world,’ I, too, have created my own religion called Anaya, with the participation of the voices in my head. Everybody’s got their own religion nowadays, apparently. It’s like fan fiction! Everybody’s writing their own story and calling themselves a god and somebody special and I’m some kind of special soul who’s different from all the mainstream people in society around me.

And this is a genuine feeling, the feeling of not fitting in, the feeling that you are somehow very different from the majority of the people around you, that maybe there is something wrong with you, some weakness, but there is also something *better* about you, something you can see that they can’t see. All these people writing fan fiction on the net, all of them have their own fantasy worlds and their own little polygods. I’ve suspected that fan fiction writers might possibly be ‘my type,’ my duals or activators in the Delta Quadra, but probably not all of them are. I just suspected a correlation and thought I might someday look into that, if I were looking for an easy way to find a whole bunch of Delta NFs all crowded together in one place.

While reading about Buddhism, I found one well-written page (one of the first google results) that gave a quick summary of the idea of karma, which I almost understood – but not quite. I still had to make this leap of faith into ‘this is just an analogy, not a literal thing.’ I was imagining this image, which is only an analogy, only a model, and not a literal description of any physical phenomena. It was this field of waves, analogous to the electromagnetic fields. Your consciousness is part of a particular frequency in that field. When you’re born, your brain and body resonate with that particular frequency and are tuned to pick it up.

There may or may not be grains of literal truth in this, because, indeed, there is a real electromagnetic field surrounding the planet, and I assume it has always been here for as long as all living creatures have been here, and so it has always been part of us, and we have always been resonating with it and our nerves are being induced by it, like antennas.

So this Buddhism description made it sound like there was this big field of consciousness, and when you’re born, you sort of manifest this field, either more or less purely. I also connect that with socionics – you can more or less purely represent your socionic type.

I always thought reincarnation made sense in a way, but you wouldn’t keep your memories. I just thought that everybody else has that ‘I am myself’ feeling, that sensation, that awareness of being alive and seeing through their own eyes, and so, if you die, someone else will be born who will also have that same feeling you had, that feeling that you are seeing through your own eyes and existing, and in that sense, it is as though ‘you’ were born again and reincarnated, because somebody else was born with that same feeling you had. However, all the details of your life were forgotten. (Children are reporting events from their past lives a lot lately, but again, in a world of mind control, it’s easy to plant some ideas into a kid’s head and make them say this stuff out loud.)

So then, when you die, in my visual image, you’ve made these sort of ‘waves,’ which are the potentials, the unfinished series of events created during your lifetime. Those waves are still affecting the world after you die. So when you’re born again, you still feel the effect of those waves you created in your past life, which is karma.

However, it was used to explain why someone would be born into a bad life, through no fault of their own. They had the idea that when you manifest consciousness, when you are conceived, it’s something that happens to you by force, not by choice (which differs from some other religions, who claim that you chose this particular body for a purpose), and is the inevitable result of that karma you built up in the past life, which must coalesce into this life now, so as to resolve itself.

I was imagining transverse waves as the ‘potential’ waves in the field of karma, because I was reading about Tesla recently and reading the claims that he discovered ‘free energy,’ which was in the form of potential waves, scalar waves, which go at right angles to the electromagnetic waves that we are normally using for energy and for communication. I have just barely enough of a mathematics background that I can sort of visualize what this means, waves which move at right angles to other waves, but I am too lazy, preoccupied, etc to do all the detailed math necessary to really get into it, prove it, and apply it to an invention that will give me free energy right this instant. (A cynical voice says that I’ve been applying for some government benefits, though, trying to get stuff for free.)

I did go off on the tangents and I’ll exhaust myself before finishing them all. Basically I sort of understood the karma explanation, but at the same time, was frustrated by it, because I still felt that it was an analogy, a struggle to explain something without really knowing it for sure. In some twisted way, it is still merely an attempt to convince evil, stupid people that they will someday have to pay for their actions, just like ideas of hell and punishment are used to threaten them in other religions and social systems. If only you can scare those people enough, maybe they will stop doing stupid, evil things to other people. Make them believe that they’re gonna be reborn as a Jew being murdered by Hitler, so they’ll be in the position of the victim next time, so they’ll stop doing what they’re doing now in this lifetime. And yet, that threat doesn’t seem to be working very well, becauses Buddhism is throughout all of China, and China is known for being…. not very nice, with regard to human rights violations. Buddhism does not seem to be achieving its goal as well as we would like.

And yet I like the idea of Buddhism because it’s more ‘intellectual’ somehow than Christianity is to me. It has more of a focus on self-improvement. Christianity tells you to be a better person too, but they’re not really as consciously obsessed with all the details of self-improvement, describing all the pathways to enlightenment and what not, in quite as much thorough detail as Buddhism does. Also, Buddhism is more colorful. You can look at all these images with complicated colors and details, and Asian art is, I believe, much better than European art. I was looking at traditional Chinese embroidery and my heart was being ripped out of my chest with envy – I would do such things if I could.

I got to that google search by first looking at Chinese foot binding, and noticing the beautiful embroidery on those tiny little shoes. I don’t need to explain that I am opposed to Chinese foot binding, but in general they’re not doing it anymore, although it might happen occasionally here and there.

I also do not like the declawing of cats. Both foot binding, and declawing, slow down a person or a cat, making it uncomfortable or impossible to run, and the result is that they are forced to stay home and stay enslaved. Declawed cats cannot run or put weight on their feet as well as cats with intact feet. It is a major, severe, non-trivial disability. Spaying and neutering them afterwards is the last nail in their coffin, because then they simultaneously become severely obese as a result of having their testicles or uterus removed, and an obese cat, trying to run on declawed feet, is painful to watch. I suffer every time I look at my cat Jacob.

Some stupid person on a website claimed that if you do a
catch-neuter-and-release program on all the feral cats, some of the cats will… ‘put on a little bit of weight,’ as though they were ‘too skinny’ prior to being spayed and neutered – since when is ‘putting on weight’ viewed as a healthy and positive thing? but it was when this author wrote it! They ‘put on some weight,’ which was portrayed as a good thing for feral cats who are usually portrayed as ‘starving,’ and then, they also will tend to… ‘form surprisingly strong bonds with humans.’

The reason a spayed, neutered, declawed cat forms a ‘strong bond’ is because it’s terrified of being left alone anywhere! It can’t defend itself or get its own food! Jacob takes a walk down the sidewalk with me, but he won’t go far, and gets upset if I walk too far away, and meows and sits there wanting me to turn around and walk home with him. He has a ‘strong bond’ with me. Max, however, while he loves to go on walks with me, he also doesn’t mind running off and doing his own thing, and doesn’t necessarily have to come right home after our walk, or sit there meowing for me to turn around and come back so I can put him back in the house. Jacob is more obviously helpless and dependent, and apparently, some people out there *like* their cats and their wives to be helpless, dependent, and needy, instead of independent and happy.

But I won’t go into this, I’m gonna run out of energy before I finish all the tangents.

I went to this church dinner. I found the church. It was the Episcopal church. I used to be officially Episcopalian, and I thought of what Judith Swack would say in this situation – she would have felt that this was right and appropriate and symbolic for me to be getting help from an Episcopal church when my family used to be officially Episcopalian. My karma’s finally coming for me!

You really can learn a lot from your conflictors and superego types. You learn ‘verbal’ information, which goes through your conscious functions. It’s just that you will never be happy if you go your entire life surrounded by nothing but conflictors and superego types, where you always have this feeling that you sort of like these people, you sort of respect and admire these people, you admire what they know and what they can do, you admire them as people, but yet, you never feel satisfied or understood in the way that your soul wants to be.

I worked at McDonald’s. For some reason, that particular store was filled with millions of Deltas. It was truly a great group of people. We loved each other. I worked with SLIs all the time. I loved them so much. I still don’t want to go back to work there, but I wish I could just scoop them all up and take them with me and give them all the happy lives they deserve. I want to tell them the answers they’re looking for. I want to matchmake them with all their duals, because there were SLIs who hadn’t found love yet, although a few of them had dated people temporarily. I fantasize that I could put them all together in one big pile and let them sort it out, just throw all the Deltas into one big house and let them mix with each other until they fell in love. I would be happy living in a Deltas-only house with hundreds and hundreds of Deltas. I have this intense desire to rescue my fellow sufferers and give them what they need, at the same time that I am rescuing myself.

I went to this church dinner. As soon as I went in there, I started picking up on the Beta vibe. There were lots of Beta STs in there, and some Beta NFs. There were one or two people from around town who I recognized, who I had typed as probably Alpha NTs.

I said hello to this one guy who used to know me when I was homeless. He was always sort of annoying to me, just like all the other homeless guys and people around town who recognize me and assume,
automatically, that I am ‘one of them’ and therefore I’m their new best friend, when actually I find them annoying and just wish to be left alone and don’t feel like being dragged into this conversation.

I could say, perhaps, that some of these people are showing the weakness of the ‘Fi’ function, because they are Beta STs. They think you’re their friend, but you’re not, and you really don’t like them and you think they’re annoying and wish they would shut up and leave you alone (Woe betide me if any Beta STs are reading my blog right now, I apologize profusely to you, because I do not mean for this to refer to *ALL* Beta STs all of the time in every situation – it’s just these particular homeless people who all assume that I’m their best friend because I’m homeless too).

A person who uses +Fi strongly, a Delta NF, is able to start up a close relationship with you, and really be your best friend, and know that you want it, and have the power to make you want it, whereas a weak user of +Fi is someone who seems to just wrongly assume they’re your best friend, to every random person who walks by, and this seems to happen a lot with Beta STs.

It’s analogous to Delta STs who are unable to suppress their cheerful friendliness and have to act nice and happy all the time and smiley, regardless of the circumstances and regardless of who they’re talking to, because we have a weakness of +Fe, and we’ll either show no emotions at all, or just always show a default shallow smiley face because we just can’t emote fast enough to keep up with all the nuances in every interaction.

Both Beta STs, and Delta STs, have weaknesses in how they express emotions and form relationships, it’s just a different ‘flavor’ of weakness depending on the quadra.

I’ve just observed that almost all of the homeless people seem to be Beta STs, almost all the time. Why? I don’t know, I have some type-related theories, but I’ll leave that aside for now.

So this church room was full of Betas, it seemed. I walked around, and I can see it on people’s faces. I can see by their visual appearance, the shape of their eyes, the expressions, the whole style of how they look. It is based on four decades of experience with other humans. I know that people who look like this, will act like this. Now that I know socionics, I can go into more details. Socionics visual identification is a real thing, and it *does* go so deep as things like bone structure. It is genetic. It is like a whole different ‘race’ or ‘tribe’ of people. The personality structure is so deeply engrained in the personality that it is connected with the physical structure of the bones and the body and the brain, all of it, from your DNA. It is more than merely the type of clothes they’re wearing or their hairstyles or their makeup.

I looked all around the room, and knew with a few quick glances that there was not a single person here that I could bond with deeply. I was completely alone. The room was totally full of incompatible people. I did see one table with a small group of people sitting there who I suspected *might* possibly be compatible, but I didn’t talk to them, and still had a bad feeling about them, and did not try.

Instead, I ended up sitting with one of the Beta ST homeless guys who I had known from before. Actually I’m not sure if he’s homeless, but he spends all his time in town going from place to place, and was always sitting at Dunkin Donuts when I was there. We talked, but I didn’t really want to talk to this guy. He’s nice, he’s cool, but I really don’t *like* him, other than the way you simply like another human by default because they haven’t actually done anything *bad* to you, as in you like them merely because they exist.

I wanted to talk about ‘entitlement.’ I had mentioned that the starseeds and indigos supposedly had the ‘entitlement’ feeling, that I deserve to exist and I was put here for a purpose, and I radiate this sense of entitlement and purpose and specialness from a very young age. (I suspect this is a Beta NF characteristic.) It is a healthy, strong sense of self-esteem.

But there is a different kind of entitlement, which to me seems contemptible. It was all the Beta STs there in that church, eating the food and being ‘entitled’ to it. You could say that they are seeking the same form of enlightened, positive entitlement and self-esteem that the Beta NFs have, but it’s being manifested in sort of a twisted way, badly done, which results in this selfish, greedy, entitlement attitude, sometimes blatantly ungrateful to the point of being ridiculous. The guy sitting with me complained about how some of the people here would insult the food, saying that this or that was too dry, etc, complaining that the food was awful, when they should be grateful that it’s being given to them for free. I’ve seen people like that, and I know exactly what type they almost always are – the ungrateful complainers are the SLEs. (We had a McDonald’s customer who we all recognized, who was always drunk, who would make these exact same kind of ridiculous complaints and expect us to dance to his every little demand.)

It is shockingly inappropriate to be complaining loudly about how bad this food is, when some kind person is giving it to you for free as an act of charity. I want more, I am entitled to more, I am entitled to even better than this, I am entitled for you to dance to my slightest whim and each and every petty demand, all of the time. If I say ‘jump,’ you start jumping right now, and while you are jumping, you say, ‘How high?’ while still jumping. Don’t even wait to ask how high first, just start jumping before you even know. My mom used to say that – that phrase came from her – I don’t remember what story she was telling, but it was something where a person tells you to jump and you’re supposed to say ‘how high?’ I don’t remember the context, I don’t remember whether this behavior was viewed as good or bad, I don’t remember if it was my mom or if it was on television, I just remember people saying, ‘If I tell you to jump, you say “how high?”‘

I myself felt like I was *not* entitled to this food, and going there and eating it gave me a strong urge to give help to others. I started fantasizing about how I might make my own charity, or fantasizing that I might volunteer to work in the kitchen there making the food. It was a powerful urge to make my own charity, to do something for others.

The guy I was sitting with told me that there was a place you could eat for free, food donated by a church, and years ago, he remembered an incident where a couple of buses filled with medical students from the college had stopped there and gone in there to eat for free, all at once. That’s right, it’s the medical students who are going and getting free food donated by the church. I laughed and did a facepalm when he told me this and said ‘oh no!’ WE ARE ENTITLED. SERVE US.

I did gain something by talking to these people, these Beta STs. It’s a way of pseudo-dualizing, kind of. They, too, use the Ne function, as a weak function, but they use it nevertheless and it contains useful information, just as my own weak functions may contain useful information that other people can extract from me and use. The information might not be updated as fast, or might not be as nuanced. But I can get information about ‘opportunities that exist’ from these Beta STs. And that is what I did. I learned that there is this, or that, opportunity here and there around town, places to get free food, charities that exist.

When you converse with these people, your subconscious functions are being triggered. I see it all in terms of Model B. You actually feel a sort of attraction to your quasi-identicals and extinguishers, because they are triggering your vital functions, the subconscious functions, even if they are doing it in a weak way for your dualizing functions. You still will struggle to get some kind of ‘nourishment’ from them, albeit weak and unsatisfying nourishment. Surely, those Beta STs notice every time I do my weak expressions of Fe, or my use of Ni where I complain that surely something will go badly wrong if somebody does this and gets into that scenario. I call this pseudodualizing, which is something we do when we are starving to death for our duals and not finding them. You can also pseudodualize with your 1. business relations, 2. supervisor, 3. supervisee, 4. kindred. All of those are viewed as ‘forbidden’ or ‘unlikely’ relations according to the traditional Model A, but I use Model B, and I also base it on experience – I am drawn more strongly to
supervisors/-ees than I am to the ones that I’m ‘supposed’ to be attracted to, the benefactors/-ficiaries. I am drawn more strongly to kindred and business than I am to the illusionaries and semiduals.

You can have a *verbal* relationship, which can be fairly satisfying at the intellectual level, with illusionaries, benefactors/-ees, and semiduals. Verbal relationships are enjoyable and worthwhile. You get to talk about a lot of stuff. But your passionate feelings aren’t being triggered, you aren’t being motivated in the way that you are if you have your subconscious vital functions being triggered. At my workplaces, I always formed very good friendships with the ILIs, my business relations, allegedly a ‘bad’ relation that hardly ever would happen – but it does happen, all the time, and for me Model B explains why.

I also was always attracted, all my life, to kindreds and
supervisors/-ees, the Gamma NTs and Alpha SFs. I loved John Denver, surely an SEI from the Alpha Quadra. I dearly loved him so much (and I’m remembering it because I watched him on youtube the other day). I love my SEI coworkers, and we feel a ‘desert island attraction,’ as in, if all else fails, I could form a relationship with this person, a sexual relationship, and it might not be ideal, but it really wouldn’t be too bad either, and I have the same feeling with business relations, the ILIs, who are attractive and yet not completely what I want, but on the desert island, it wouldn’t be too awful and we could make it work.

I seek out supervisors and supervisees, and then, with a lot of effort, I form some kind of friendly relationship with them, which varies depending on their gender – if they are male, it is a bit easier to admit that we are attracted to each other, but if they are female, and worse, if they are in a position of power and are also a supervisor, it can be bad (I frequently encounter female ESEs who are managers in the workplaces).

I remember finding a female LIE at McDonald’s, and I paid careful attention to her and tried to ‘guard’ her against the attacks from the male SLIs, who all seemed to simultaneously kind of like her a little bit, but also to be very annoyed with her and exasperated with her all the time, and they were often cruel to her, treating her like she was stupid. I knew what she was, I knew why this was happening, I understood socionics, and so I made a conscious effort to be nice to her, to try to treat her with respect, instead of just assuming she was stupid and incompetent.

They had complaints that were legitimate grievances – she took too long to do stuff, she bossed people around instead of doing it herself, she had to run to the bathroom because she had digestive problems, and her trips to the bathroom always took a long time – I myself could troubleshoot her digestive problems if only I had the authority to do so, but I did not, and so I did not go advising her about what was causing her to have this problem. It has something to do with her baked goods. She was baking cookies and bringing them in and sharing them, and whenever I ate them, I myself seemed to have unusual bowel movements. I do not know which specific ingredients were at fault, but I could say that in general it probably had something to do with her baked goods.

It’s just that I was aware of socionics, I figured out her type, I could see those male SLIs supervising her in a harsh and cruel way, I knew exactly what was going on, and I made a conscious effort to, at the very least, try to avoid being outright cruel to her the way they were. She and I got along well when we worked together, perhaps too well, because people would yell at us for wasting too much time having conversations with each other instead of working. We would talk to each other, and not care that the screen was filling up and it was taking too long to make the food.

When you are talking to someone, it doesn’t matter that you’re running a business, making money, serving hundreds of customers as fast as you can, because… relationships matter. Conversations matter. Getting to know people matters. We really are not supposed to be living this way. We are supposed to be living a more laid back life, with less hurry, less pressure, less money, less competition. We are supposed to enjoy each other’s company and have conversations and get to know each other. And so, I myself will temporarily ignore the real world and its threats and its pressure, and I will focus my attention on her and our conversation.

There is a feeling of strain and anxiety, mixed with attraction, in those supervision relations. It is because of the inequality, the asymmetry of the functions, which Rick explained to me in an email eons ago, which I will not bother to explain, since this blog isn’t really about socionics, and others can explain it better, and I’m too lazy, and I would feel better if I could draw a diagram.

My relation with this girl wasn’t always perfect. One time she told me that I was cooking the bacon wrong. I wasn’t supposed to do it that way, I was supposed to do it this way. I got irritated and I stubbornly refused to do it the way she told me, and I continued doing it my way. That probably made her distrust me and hurt her. It’s the little things like that, which you sometimes are aware of, and other times are unaware of, that cause the strain in supervision relations. You actually *like* this person, which makes it hurt all the more.

So I call these things ‘Desert Island Socionics’ and
‘Pseudodualizing.’ You can get those crumbs of duality from the ‘wrong’ types, but it’s a struggle and a strain that doesn’t really satisfy you. You can do it, and it will keep you from starving.

The benefactor relations are asymmetrical too. You have this feeling of ‘YOU’RE AWESOME! EVERYTHING YOU DO AND SAY IS AWESOME!’ at the same time as ‘YOU’RE SCARY! YOU MUST BE JUDGING ME! EVERYTHING I DO IS PATHETIC COMPARED TO YOU!’ It’s a verbal relation where you are kind of an apprentice to the other person, learning something from them.

I found a young girl at McDonald’s who I suspected was an LII, my benefactor, a very unusual type to be working at McDonald’s. The male ESE was all over her and loved her from the first instant that he met her. I found her to be mysterious and interesting, somehow, quiet and brilliant, yet scary. She sort of understood me, and seemed a bit scared of me, and also scary to me. I did feel inferior, even though she was just a tiny young girl a lot younger than me. She had nothing to teach me, really, she wasn’t a genius, she wasn’t a scientist, she was just a much younger female McDonald’s employee, clueless and incompetent, inexperienced, and yet, she was mysteriously intimidating to me in spite of all those things. When she talked, no matter what she said, no matter what she observed, whatever insights she had always seemed to be just a little bit smarter and more insightful than my own. And yet she was also stupid in ways that were obvious to me, but I didn’t want to criticize her about those things.

Ah yes, Buddhism and Marxism. I wandered off the tangent. I was thinking, I’ve been reading Marxism as a religion. Like Buddhism, it explains why there is so much suffering in the world. The explanation has to be palatable and believable and satisfying to you. We are suffering because this whole capitalistic system is all based on the theft of our land, and we all used to be happier back in the days when we were subsistence peasant farmers working for ourselves directly, and perhaps paying a small but reasonable tax to the feudal lords above us. The explanation for ‘why is there so much suffering in the world?’ must be something that resonates with us, with our own feelings and values and way of seeing things. For the libertarian and objectivist, ‘Why is there so much suffering in the world?’ results in ‘Because of too much government intervention,’ and they do have valid arguments to back this up, which is why I went with them for all these years. People in every religion are asking that question – why is there so much inequality, why is one innocent person born into a horrible family, while an ungrateful asshole that everyone hates is born into a wealthy family and never experiences the slightest obstacle or discomfort for his entire life? How can this be a fair and just world? Why does God allow such things? Every religion asks this question. How can it be fair? Why am I suffering? Why doesn’t anyone give a fuck?

Believe it or not, going to the church dinner last night made me feel better. I did feel that there were some options out there, that there were charities who were trying to feed people. I actually became more convinced of the libertarian argument that if only we would *let* them, the charities would be doing a whole lot more than they are doing right now. I brought home a loaf of seeded rye bread for free, even though, ideally, I probably do not want bread in my diet, but for now, okay.

I also rode my bike out to the office where you apply for food stamps. I brought home an application and started looking at it.

This is where I am being brainwashed into an entitlement attitude by ‘them,’ and yet, I sort of feel like this is the right moment, like I am ready for this now, like I am secure enough that this isn’t going to hurt me or destroy my life. I feel like it is going to be ‘safe’ for me to try to get money from the government.

However, I still have some anxieties. My mom has been paying my rent, and I am going to have to list that as some form of income that I’m getting.

Also, if I want to get the ‘jackpot,’ which is, just being paid to live and not have to work, and get welfare and food stamps and the whole prize, and disability payments, then I will have to talk about ‘medical conditions,’ and if you talk about ‘medical conditions’ at all, that leads to being ‘treated by a doctor,’ which means, I *will* be harmed. The best way to stay safe is to avoid all doctors for as long as possible.

In order to get ‘the jackpot,’ chances are, I probably will have to say, ‘Okay, I have schizophrenia, and so I’m taking prescription drugs to treat my condition, and I have to take those drugs in order to receive my disability payments, to prove to them that I’m trying to help myself, trying to treat my condition, not leaving anything untreated when there are treatments available, not just taking money for the heck of it while doing nothing to treat my condition, I’m really making a sincere effort to solve my problems, which can only be solved by means of prescription medications, so you’ll give me these disability payments if I take my meds as prescribed by a doctor.’

The only way that I could do that would be to go out and get the prescription meds, for free, I assume, and take the bottle home and dump it down the toilet, and thoroughly wash my hands and any objects that I touched, because transdermal drug residue contamination is on the outside of the bottle of pills. I’m NOT… JOKING. That is what would be necessary for me to comply with the requirement that I ‘treat my conditions’ and ‘leave no condition untreated’ while receiving government aid for my disability. Will they mind if I wear a pair of disposable gloves while I’m picking up my prescription at the pharmacy? I can say I have a germ phobia, ha ha, the very opposite of the truth, but an LSI pharmacist will find that to be socially acceptable, because his beloved Beta NFs all have irrational germ phobias and are inclined to do such things as walk around with gloves on their hands to avoid the germs.

Beta NFs handle things like chemical sensitivity differently than I do. They, too, suffer from chemical sensitivity, but they are more likely to make a loud and noisy complaint about it to stop people from wearing offensive perfumes, etc, whereas I myself will silently tolerate the foul odors and foul perfumes and other things triggering my chemical sensitivities, knowing the limits of what my body can handle and knowing that this particular whiff of perfume isn’t going to kill me this time.

A Beta NF might discover that washing their hands frequently somehow mysteriously reduces anxiety, without ever realizing that sometimes, in some situations, there really is a transdermal contamination (not merely ‘germs’) that needs to be washed off. They will wash obsessively to avoid ‘germs,’ and then somebody will tell them that they have obsessive compulsive disorder, and they will always believe that authority figure who tells it to them, and they will conclude forever afterwards that anybody and everybody who has to wash their hands and avoid touching certain objects is always, necessarily obsessive-compulsive and is suffering from a neurosis, not realizing that there are situations in which this behavior is totally
appropriate, due to their weakness of sensing and weakness of logic.

I’m thinking of angry discussions I’ve had in socionics forums in the past when I tried to explain to people that I was suffering from mania caused by transdermal drug residues, and it was just *not possible* to convince them that one individual person, by themselves, without the help of a team of scientists at a government-funded scientific institution, was capable of using their own individual senses to observe a physical sensation and physical symptoms in their own body and draw correct, accurate, logical conclusions about cause and effect, on their own, without the aid of an authority figure or a team of scientists. I’m remembering those arguments. I’m remembering how frustrating it was to always get this knee-jerk reflex response of ‘Shouldn’t you be getting treatment?’ And not just from conflictors, but from people who typed themselves as duals and activators in my own quadra as well. I’m remembering the battles and the fiascoes from back during the mania time. I know what not to do. I know I will never take any drugs that they prescribe for me.

So, will I be willing to do what I have to do to win the jackpot? Infinite free money, if only I pretend that I have a treatable illness which is being treated by my obediently and compliantly picking up this prescription drug bottle and taking out a pill and swallowing it, and NOT throwing the pills down the toilet where they belong?

The answer is, I don’t know. I am not sure how hard I am going to try to win the jackpot this time. I *am* becoming more and more convinced of the wrongness of work, which is why I’m reading Marxism, that nice, soothing religion which explains why we have so much suffering in the world and why I hate my job so much.

And there is a real threat, a real and permanent danger:
osteoporosis. My knees and hips are bad. If I let this problem continue, while I keep working myself to death, running around vigorously at high speed, riding my bike around, taking a million caffeine pills and cups of coffee every day so I can drag my exhausted body out of bed, ignoring the pain – I can ignore the pain of arthritic hips and knees when I take lots and lots of caffeine. The pain is numbed down to a very low level, and I can ignore it, and keep on walking, keep on standing, keep running, keep moving, keep doing my slave labor, run around, run around, run back and forth to the french fry vats, to the cash window, to the kitchen to make the burgers, during a football game, and get paid only just above minimum wage to completely destroy my body and all of my joints, for a few more DECADES, until I am so old that I cannot walk, and I must get knee replacement surgery – knee replacement surgery, and hip replacement surgery, the worst and most dreadful fate that can befall a person. You can’t walk anymore. You are totally dependent, like a foot-bound female Chinese slave, like a declawed cat. You need a wheelchair, or an exoskeleton (and, no joke, I’ve wanted to invent a cheap bamboo exoskeleton to help people with eroded knee and hip joints who can no longer walk). It’s permanent bone loss, like tooth cavities. You permanent lose bone, which wears away and never grows back. It happens if you are eating any foods and drugs that cause osteoporosis, and if you don’t get enough nutrients like the RIGHT KIND of vitamin D and vitamin K and other things. It happens if you eat nightshade vegetables, which cause calcium to deposit in the soft tissues where it doesn’t belong, causing arthritis and wearing of the joints.

My hips and knees have been much worse since I started riding a bike around everywhere and walking up and down the mountain every day – that’s when it started, when I lived on Mt. Nittany. Riding a bike is making it worse. Working at an extremely energetic and stressful job, at an understaffed McDonald’s during a football game, is making it worse. I cannot, and should not, run around vigorously at high speeds anymore. I cannot and should not do this every day. It would not be so bad for me to wander slowly through my little farmer’s field on my little plot of land, reaping the grain (or whatever starchy vegetables I chose to eat on my grain-free diet), at my own pace, without someone behind me cracking a whip and shouting at me to hurry because we have a long line of people out the door who are all waiting to be served food RIGHT NOW.

A few decades from now, I will have such horribly damaged hips and knees that, like many other victims of modern society, I will have to consider getting hip and knee replacements. And that is the sure path to hell. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. You get to where you just can’t walk at all, but if you get a hip or knee replacement, then you will constantly be poisoned by an extremely toxic implanted object – and after my plastic dental fillings, I know that *NOTHING*, *NOTHING* that they implant in your body will EVER be a ‘safe, nontoxic’ substance. NEVER. I don’t care what it’s made of, I don’t care if somebody reassures me that it’s a safe nontoxic material, I don’t care if an entire team of scientists personally knocks on my door and informs me that this substance is perfectly safe to implant inside my body. IT… IS… NOT… SAFE. All implanted objects, regardless of the material, cause chronic poisoning. Not only are they poisonous, they also are disgusting and painful. If you actually see an x-ray showing you where this hip replacement is going, it’s the most disgusting and horrific thing that you can possibly imagine. They basically stab this big metal thing down into your bone, and then all your weight has to be supported on top of that. It is the most horrible sensation imaginable. It causes further damage which cannot be undone. Once you’ve done it, it’s over. There is no hope of taking it out and changing your mind.

I do not want to ever get any hip replacements or knee replacements. I would rather do something now, to treat my hips and knees and legs more gently, to eat a nutritious diet that doesn’t cause osteoporosis, to avoid drugs and chemicals including caffeine, to avoid toxic pollution in the house, to do whatever is in my power to protect my body now and minimize the damage which has already been done. I’m already damaged, but I can stop making it worse and worse and worse so quickly.

It’s that kind of thing which is in the back of my mind when I say that I don’t want to work anymore. I’m really damaging my body, and I’m starting to feel it. I’m 40 years old now. This is when osteoporosis really starts to kick in. I can see that the texture of my skin has changed, too. I have ‘old skin texture’ now. There are these fine lines and wrinkles. If I scratch an itch on my face too vigorously with my fingernails, I feel like I will rip the skin more easily than before. I am malnourished and am not getting any sunlight in this dark little house. I use tons and tons of caffeine. I cannot do a decon and cannot troubleshoot my chronic fatigue syndrome, and ran out of money so I cannot experiment with any of the other things that I was going to try. So, this is in my mind now when I say, very seriously, that I want to stop working now. I don’t want to go 20 more years doing what I’m doing.

I also talked to Mary Jo, my landlady, who has the same thing. She has horrible arthritis and deformed, twisted toes. She has such horrible knee arthritis and hip arthritis that she cannot bend down or move into certain positions. She is older than I am. She’s still working very hard, although she told me last night that she’ll slow down when her daughter finishes college, as she’s been helping to pay for the college. But that is our society! You slave away, killing your body forever, so that your daughter can go to a ridiculously hugely overpriced American college which will do nothing but brainwash her to continue the status quo working in some kind of high paying ‘profession.’ Mary Jo is considering knee surgery, and the other day, she fell on the ice while visiting her sister, and hurt herself pretty badly, compressing at least one of her knees when she fell. Now she’s continuing to work.

(Note, the libertarian within is kindly pointing out that the reason why our colleges are overpriced is because the government has mandated that somebody somewhere must supply college loans to anybody and everybody who asks for them, and the colleges have responded by saying, ‘Hey! Wow! Gravy train! Let’s raise our prices higher and higher and higher and higher, because government’s paying the bill! Let’s make huge, fancy, new, gigantic, multibillion-dollar fancy architectural masterpieces at Penn State!’ when all that we actually need is a tiny little box-shaped cottage in which the students will sit at desks listening to a lecturer, when they ought to just be reading the books themselves without a teacher even being necessary.)

It’s just my emotions, my growing cynicism, my bitterness, my growing awareness that I am permanently destroying my body and will either end up in a wheelchair, or have to get knee and hip replacement surgery like so many other people. My feelings are telling me that I’ve just had enough of this and don’t want to do this anymore.

It already started happening during those ridiculously understaffed football games, when we had a skeleton crew at McDonald’s, me and the other dear SLI, Eric, who became a manager. Dear Eric had to handle this horrific experience in a position of responsibility, and had to be blamed for it all, and no one cared, because a SLI will not complain. A SLI won’t complain! Even when it is so, so, so, so appropriate to complain!

This is a time when a mean old nasty capitalist is taking advantage of a meek little helpless victim who’s too timid to complain! This is it! This is what they were talking about! I had it happen to me! It was worst when I saw my dear Eric the SLI manager and one of my absolute favorite people at McDonald’s, suffering during these football games with his skeleton crew running around like crazy serving thousands of people. I could see it most clearly when I saw it on him. Not in myself, but on him. When *he* suffered, suddenly it mattered. It was unfair, it was wrong. He is just a young guy and a sweet person who I always loved. They were making him suffer and piling it all up on him, and he felt that he could not complain, and felt unable to go seek anything better for himself. He does not know how to just tell them to fuck themselves and walk out the door and go get something better.

And he, too, loves all the people there and doesn’t like to cut off all those relationships. We all bonded with each other and it was painful to leave the people behind. People don’t like to leave! And the mean old nasty capitalists were taking advantage of this very thing, and not giving a fuck, and I saw it with my own eyes, and felt it, and I was angry. And I began writing nasty notes and leaving them on the managers’ desks, saying that everyone who worked this evening needs a VERY LARGE SUBSTANTIAL BONUS on their paychecks. I think they might possibly have given me a slight raise as a result of this complaining, because later on, I noticed that I was making $8.99 an hour, when I didn’t remember how much I had been making before – a trivial little concession if it was anything.

Then I heard other people talking about the maximum pay rate that supposedly we could not go higher than, but the one girl said that she herself had been making that maximum rate when she was just a crew person, before she became a manager, and I thought to myself, ‘Wait – you were a CREW PERSON, and you were making the MAXIMUM RATE, and I didn’t even know?’ I forget what the amount was, but the point was, it made me realize, I could be making A LOT MORE than I was making, but I didn’t get that money because I was a timid, submissive person who never complained, who was willing to KILL MY BODY every single day for decades, and not speak a word of complaint to anyone. THAT’S CAPITALISM!

(Since then, I’ve heard stories about jobs where you’re simply not allowed to discuss how much anybody is being paid, because if you do, it will be obvious that some people are getting paid a lot more to do exactly the same, or LESS work than you do. Maybe that’s what they talked about on the State of the Union and the chat afterwards – I think it was the chat. I actually listened to Obama giving the State of the Union. I was able to listen almost all the way through!)

That’s capitalism. That’s the bad kind. That’s what everybody was talking about. That’s what all these people were complaining about all this time, when I brushed them off, thinking to myself that nobody was forcing me to work there and I could leave any time I wanted to – except I am a mind control victim, I cannot focus enough to muster up the will to do anything, and what about my fellow sufferers – are they able to leave? Do they?

Eric had a college education in criminal justice or something like that, and he tried once or twice to get a job at a jail, a government job, highly sought after, with so much competition that there was just no chance. Can someone go to college and know exactly what career they want to be doing, and know exactly which careers they will be able to do, which career they can *stand* to do, and not hate it every day of their life, and also be able to quickly and easily run out there and find a job which is guaranteed which you get instantly as soon as you apply, and if you don’t get it, then you never give up, and you keep trying and trying, applying to job after job until you get it?

Did Eric do that? Did anyone want him to? No one wanted Eric to leave during the brief time when he left us. I don’t remember why he left – he tried to go somewhere and get a job elsewhere, but he came back eventually, and we were all so happy to see him.

I’m going to try to finish this up. A summary: yes, Marxism is a soothing religion that explains why we are suffering. Libertarianism says, it’s because of too much bad government that we are suffering. But sometimes, that explanation is incomplete. I couldn’t see how, directly, the government was causing these corporations to do the stupid stuff they were doing. Maybe the effects are roundabout and indirect – there are grains of truth in that. I know the entire system is distorted by the fact that we have this banking system and all these laws and regulations, and that the world would be a very different place if those things were not there.

However, the Marxist explanation seemed simpler and easier to understand, in some ways, at least the historical part that I am reading now. It supports my growing belief that land ownership is somehow the root of our suffering. There are some categories of other people who oppose land ownership – they might call themselves some kind of anarcho-capitalist, and stuff like that, and maybe I will read them sometime, but for now, it was Marxism. And sometimes it’s just simpler and easier to say, ‘Those greedy capitalists are taking advantage of their workers who are too timid to protest!’ rather than, ‘Those capitalists are doing the best they can just to stay in business and keep their heads above water when the competition is so aggressive and the laws and regulations are so expensive.’

I just couldn’t buy that explanation anymore, not after reading about the extremely huge salaries of the highest level employees at big corporations, or maybe the board of directors too (I don’t know how that works, who pays them?). It just seems to me that *lowering those huge salaries* is one possible option too, besides just keeping the lowest people at the bottom at the lowest possible wage, without making the slightest effort to improve their working conditions, hire more people, let people work overtime and get the time-and-a-half overtime pay so they are at least getting a partial, temporary raise and not having to work two jobs – unthinkable!

No matter how bad it gets, we will NEITHER hire more people, NOR will we allow anybody to work overtime! The remaining two or three people in the building are expected to do all that work, while we’re shooting ourselves in the foot because if only we had MORE PEOPLE WORKING those football game nights, we’d be able to serve MORE CUSTOMERS and make MORE PROFITS!!! DUHH!!!

The stupid insanity of this whole situation, the fact that the big corporation was totally disconnected from reality, had no idea what was going on and DID NOT CARE, that was what made me start to realize that this was ‘capitalism’ at work. The bad kind. There was more to this than just too much pressure from the regulations, or too much economic distortion as a result of the paper money banking system.

Here’s the other thing that I have to explain, but this is subtle, and I might not be able to describe it, and I was trying to finish this up. Bear with me while I try to get this idea out there.

Capitalism is good, until somebody starts screwing up. Then capitalism is bad. In theory, capitalism is supposed to allow a business to fail. That’s part of capitalism. Sometimes one business will out-compete another. That’s supposed to be normal.

So I’m supposed to say that McDonald’s sucking is just another normal day in the world of capitalism. I’m supposed to say, this is merely another business in the process of failing. Another day, another business failure, that’s capitalism. Don’t cry when it’s your turn to fail.

If we were succeeding, if we were super-profitable and everybody was making tons and tons of money, including the lowest employees, capitalism is good. We wouldn’t care so much that there was a huge difference between the wages of the lowest and the highest people. We wouldn’t pay so much attention to the injustice of paying those upper level managers a million dollar salary.

But when they start making ridiculously bad business decisions, shooting themselves in the foot, not hiring enough people, not being able to keep any employees, not paying people enough, not letting anyone work a single hour of overtime regardless of the situation and regardless of how desperately we need people during football games, regardless of the fact that we are UNABLE TO SERVE CUSTOMERS due to not having enough employees there, while two or three people run around back and forth to every station to do everything at every step of the process, and how we’re losing profits because of that but WHO CARES WE MUST NOT EVER ALLOW ANYONE TO WORK A SINGLE HOUR OF OVERTIME! NEVER!

And there were other bad business decisions that led up to this, which made me more receptive to the idea that ‘Capitalism Doesn’t Guarantee Success.’ That’s what I’m getting at. There was that little thing of the cash register system – remember that? Our horrifically bad cash register system, which, once again, although I am not a computer programmer, I feel absolutely certain that I could program that cash register ALL BY MYSELF without even having a team of helpers, and do a better job than they did? I’ve only dabbled in programming but I know enough to imagine that I could do it if I tried.

And then there was the rebuilding of the store. Once again, WHY, GOD, WHY? WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN? Did a government regulation somehow cause them to make horrifically, appallingly bad decisions with regard to how the new store would be designed, and the equipment that would fill it up, and every detail of it, and how the customers would react to it?

Capitalism – the very same. Perhaps capitalism gave us the greatness, but it also gave us the awfulness. It gave us the miserable failure. That’s what I’m trying to say. The libertarian brainwashing inside of me has this belief, this interpretation: if things are going well, capitalism is the reason; if things are going badly, government intervention is the reason. Capitalism can never be the reason why things are going badly. Government intervention can never be the reason why things are going well. You’re not allowed to say that capitalism was the cause of misery and suffering at some moment in time, and you’re also not allowed to say that government intervention was a helpful force that fixed a problem or made things better at some particular moment in time. Brainwashing!

I started to undo this brainwashing somehow. Capitalism gave us greatness? Well, it also gave us this horrific fiasco at McDonald’s. The dark side of capitalism, capitalism in the process of failure, capitalism, in the floundering of a sick, dying business. Capitalism, the very same force that gave us the greatness and the profit before. Capitalism allows a business to fail? Well, this is failing, right now. This is it. This is capitalism. Capitalism has two sides. It has huge wealth and success and joy and prosperity and winning and being on top. And it has failure, and collapsing and dying, and going under, and bankruptcy. It’s all fun and games until somebody gets hurt. I’ve looked at life from both sides now, from win and lose, and so on. Everyone loves war and the army until you get deployed to Afghanistan and an IED goes off at random while you’re driving your car down the road, and suddenly, war is bad! It’s all the same thing!

So maybe I am trying to say, capitalism gives us this huge, glorious high, but it also gives us this horrible crashing failure. We can’t all succeed all of the time. Perhaps I would rather be a subsistence farmer and a peasant, making a living, not being super-wealthy, but at least I have stability and peace.

That’s just one way of looking at it. I’m trying to explain, trying to understand, trying to interpret what is happening in my life and in the world, and I need some explanation. Maybe my explanations will change.

I’m aware of the official libertarian explanation, which is that, overall, capitalism as a whole is better than the alternatives. I wouldn’t really disagree with that, either. But I’m not sure. I’m really not sure now. I’ve read that people in the Soviet Union actually were happier when they were allocated their little plots of land to live on, and now that they have been ‘set free,’ they are less happy. So, I’m not sure. There are so many people desiring to start intentional communities, desiring to have chickens in their backyards but not being allowed to because of the zoning laws, so many people who want to go back to being farmers and having control over their own food supply instead of having to buy food at the grocery store – this movement is so popular that it says something. If it’s so hard to buy land, and pay the enormous price of it, and the enormous taxes on it, even knowing that the banking system is the root cause of the price distortions of real estate, even so – should people really have to buy land in the first place? Should they have to buy it at all? And yet, so many people desperately want to become subsistence farmers. People are BEGGING to become subsistence farmers.

I remember reading in history class that, as soon as the glorious factories were invented, people voluntarily chose to leave their subsistence farms and go to the city looking for opportunities, because life in the city was so much better, and they could make so much more money working in a factory. But now, reading Marx, I’m finding out that that’s not how it was. These people were FORCED OFF THEIR LAND, which resulted in their going to the cities because they HAD TO SURVIVE. They didn’t go jump into the factories because the factories were awesome and because they would have a better life there! My history books told me that’s what happened! The history classes told me that people WANTED to go work in the factories because they would have a ‘better life’ there.

But Marx is telling me that people were violently forced off their peasant farms, and ended up wandering the world with no place to go, and ended up in the factories working as miserable slaves, just so they could feed themselves, since they no longer had a farm to live on. I am telling you, my history books told it that way: people happily, joyfully, excitedly joining the factories because of all the money they could make and how much of a better opportunity it was for them – NOT A WORD about anybody forcing people off the land – or if they DID tell us, they glossed it over really quickly and emphasized that, for the most part, it was Glorious Capitalism that they were seeking when they went to work in the factories. Sure, okay, maybe a peasant or two was forced off their land but GLORIOUS CAPITALISM!!!

So, once again, very interesting to read a perspective which is actively hostile to capitalism itself. A whole different religion. Telling me it’s okay to hate work, to hate being a slave, telling me that it shouldn’t be this way, that it wasn’t always this way, that maybe this isn’t the best of all possible worlds.

I don’t know yet, and I don’t know what I will do, or where I will take this. Surely, Marxism won’t be my final answer – I’m sure that intentional communities will be a better solution for me. I have no control over what the government does, and if I suggest to them, ‘Hey, guys, why don’t you mandate that every human being in the USA be officially given a chunk of land to live on for free?’ I doubt that they will just run right out and implement that idea this very instant. I might have to wait a while for that. So, for now, intentional communities are the only way to build the world we want.

Enough… I need to do something else besides sit here blogging. Hours and hours of blogging. What is life without blogging? I wonder what that would be like.

Beggars CAN be choosers, but only for a little while longer, until my resolve breaks; and, more complaints about capitalism

January 21, 2015

7:45 PM 1/21/2015

This morning they called me from Weis and asked if I would come in for an interview on Friday. I said yes. I got excited and called Mom and told her. A few hours later, they called me back and said that someone else had had an interview and they had just hired that person for the position that very moment, so there was no need for me to come in for an interview. I said that was okay and that if they needed me for a different position I could do that (although I suspect I must go online and put in another application for each and every specific job, because that is how it works in the online application system – you don’t just apply for ‘jobs in general’ at that store).

So now I am filling out other applications. I still have yet to try finding the office where I am supposed to try to get some kind of government help. I was in the process of looking it up, and I have something written on a piece of paper.

I’m eating the rest of my food in the fridge. There is still a good bit of food there, but it is going to spoil before long.

Also, I have something which turned out to be gross. On a whim, I bought this package of crayfish, months ago, which were pre-cooked. In theory, I would like them. I tried eating a couple when I bought them, and found out that they are ‘slow food,’ as in, if you want to eat every bit of them, you have to painstakingly pick apart this little tiny thing, or else be lazy and just eat the tail, the easiest part.

But I am all in favor of eating the organs and stuff, which have a lot of nutrients. So I don’t believe in throwing the rest in the garbage after eating only the tail. So I spent a long time picking through just two or three crayfish before I gave up and put the rest of the package down in the freezer downstairs, where they sat for the last couple months. I put a date on them – I got them at the beginning of November.

Well, the other day I got them all out and decided to boil them for soup stock. There was one nice thing that I gained by briefly working in the kitchen at Carnegie Inn – I watched them boil lobster parts for soup stock. All they did was toss all the lobster parts into a huge, gigantic pot, and then boil them in water for hours.

That made me feel confident that I could do the same with this. So I took all the crayfish and boiled them in water. After they thawed, I took a pair of food scissors and cut them all into pieces, and then boiled them for a while.

In theory, this all would have been awesome. However, to do us a favor, the grocery store, or perhaps the people who sold them to the grocery store, precooked the crayfish and also added a disgusting artificial seasoning full of hot spices and MSG. Cajun seasoning or something. After I boiled them in the water and tasted the broth, it… was… disgusting. I was able to tolerate drinking just a little bit of it.

I have discovered a strong aversion to MSG. This has developed over the past few months. I bought a little bottle of pure MSG so that I could do some testing. I had had some strange experiences when I ate Chinese food, and wondered if the substance involved was MSG.

But there are different ways of manufacturing MSG, and so the end result might not always be exactly the same thing – for example, they might call it ‘MSG’ or they might call it ‘autolyzed yeast extract,’ which is when they squash open a bunch of yeast bacteria and pull their guts out, and their guts taste like MSG. Just about the most disgusting thing imaginable, when you know what it is.

I’m not sure of the process used to produce this little bottle of MSG that I bought for testing. It did not produce the strange mental effects that I experienced from Chinese food. I had had an incident living in the Chinese apartment where she gave me some fried rice and dumped a bunch of spicy hot stuff on top of it, which was full of MSG, and after I ate that meal, I had weird mental phenomena for many hours, some of which was ‘desirable’ mental phenomena, like obsessive perfectionism and ambition. I was fantasizing about creating my own corporation, and how I would structure it so that each employee ‘adopted’ another employee, so that each person had a ‘parent’ and ‘child,’ and would teach one, and be taught by one, and other bizarre fantasies.

I thought, ‘Wow! MSG is the explanation for all of the Chinese culture!’ But I couldn’t get that same effect from eating little dabs of this MSG from my own little salt shaker thing that I bought. So it was either not MSG, or MSG produced by a different chemical process. It could even be something like lead poisoning or cadmium poisoning that gave me the strange mental effects.

So my test of the little bottle of MSG was inconclusive. I could still try to find Chinese MSG, which I read was made by a different chemical process (more toxic, if I recall).

But ever since then, I have been much more aware of the presence of MSG in my food, and suddenly, it is DISGUSTING. I just took a few little dabs of that salt-like powder, little tiny pinlike crystals, in my hand, and licked it off. It was this disgusting ‘umami’ taste, a meaty taste, except with a salty taste mixed in, coming from a crystalline powder. My brain simply could not reconcile these things together, and it decided that a crystalline white powder that tasted like salty meat was a disgusting, repulsive thing that I should never eat again.

So then, on another whim, not too long ago, I bought a thing which had once been one of my absolute favorite foods many years ago. It was this ‘TGI Friday’ brand frozen spinach artichoke cheese dip. I used to LOVE that stuff, for some reason. I bought it again, and was all looking forward to it, and I microwaved it and sat down and started to eat it. I think I tried dipping corn chips in it or something, I forget.

But what did I taste? Umami. TONS AND TONS AND TONS OF MSG. The entire thing had no other recognizable flavor, except MSG. It tasted like they had dumped an entire cup of it in there. Not merely a tasteful little dab here and there, but buckets and buckets of the stuff. I almost wondered if there had been an accident at the factory, and somehow somebody had measured out the wrong portion size of the MSG and miscalculated, because it was so far beyond disgusting, it was just inconceivable that I had ever eaten this stuff in the past and loved it. What on earth could I have been thinking? Did I not notice back then that this stuff had no other flavor at all, except this uniform, super-intense, bucketful-of-MSG flavor everywhere throughout the sauce? Did they change the recipe since the last time I ate it, or was it always like that? It was so gag-inducing that I actually threw it into the garbage, with terrible regret and frustration. I was so hungry! It looked so good! I wanted it so badly! I used to love it! But I COULD *NOT* EAT THAT STUFF, IT WAS *FOUL*.

‘They’ gave me a comparison for what that foul disgusting MSG flavor tastes like, and I agree, it does actually taste this bad. ‘They’ said, it tastes just like the snot that you hock up into your mouth if you have a really, really bad cold, if you have postnasal drip, or a lot of snot in your lungs and you’re having a productive cough, and you cough up this green or yellow phlegm into your mouth, and it has a salty, delicious, tasty, meaty, yummy, umami, MSG flavor. What was seen, can’t be unseen. I agreed that indeed, MSG does taste a lot like the productive cough snot. Perhaps that’s because when you cough, you’re coughing up a bunch of ‘autolyzed bacteria’ who are being killed by your white blood cells, or something, just like the ‘autolyzed yeast extract’ made into MSG flavoring. Mmm, lysed bacteria guts, in my snot! And that is the flavor that I think of now when I taste MSG in my food! Mucus!

So to this day I don’t know if there was a miscalculation at the factory, if they changed the recipe, or if I have developed a revulsion for MSG and just can’t stand it anymore even if the recipe is the same way it always was.

Wouldn’t it be so nice to have just real, fresh artichokes, real fresh spinach, real cheese in a milky alfredo-type sauce or whatever that stuff is, with maybe a small amount of ordinary salt but not too much – and nothing more, and whatever spices might go in, just plain herbal spices and nothing weird, no chemicals?

If there is something addictive about spinach and artichokes, I don’t doubt that – there probably is. Artichokes are poisonous. I once ate almost an entire package of frozen ones, then went to bed afterwards, and nearly *died* from central sleep apnea that night. I was unable to wake up, and I wasn’t breathing, and I had nightmare after nightmare after nightmare, with my eyes open in my sleep, thinking I was waking up, thinking I was crawling out of bed, but I wasn’t breathing, my brain was dying, and I could not move. Finally, I remember, I physically fell out of bed onto the floor, and that was finally able to make me move and get my blood circulating enough that I did not die. But I could not lie down and sleep again for the rest of the night for many hours, and I remember getting up and wanting to stay awake and sit in a well-lit place with a family member nearby (Dad, if I recall, who was still awake and who reassured me that I could not possibly die from sleep apnea, but I didn’t agree with him – it might have been Mom too, I don’t remember). I found out artichokes contain a form of sulfur, and they were listed as a potential problem vegetable on the Feingold diet, which connects sulfur-containing foods with apnea – if I recall.

So, artichokes are poisonous, and poisonous foods are often addictive. If it’s bad for you, you can guarantee that you probably will crave more and more of it – only semi-joking here.

Well, now, so I’ve boiled those little crayfish, and the nice people who prepared them and packaged them also doused them in salty flavory spicy hot Cajun seasoning or something, with plenty of MSG, because as we all know, nothing tastes right unless it’s got a whole bucket of MSG dumped into it. I was able to drink a little bit of the broth afterwards, but gradually became so disgusted at the MSG flavor that I just did not want any more. So those poor crayfish and the little tub of broth are now sitting in the fridge, and I do not know whether I will be able to choke them down, with my increasing unexplained aversion to MSG nowadays. They’re there, so technically I am able to eat something and not starve to death, but I do not know how long they will last before they spoil.

Beggars can’t be choosers, but which part of my resolve will break first – my refusal to use the credit card, my refusal to eat disgusting food – I could go buy mac and cheese type stuff for a low price – my refusal to and/or inability to go find the government office and get some welfare-foodstamps-whatever from them – which resolve will break first? I’m still filling out job applications, which takes time, especially with incidents like the ‘come for an interview – NO WAIT WE JUST HIRED SOMEBODY SORRY’ thing.

As usual, the thought of being a prostitute crosses my mind. It’s something ‘they,’ the voices, have always urged me to do back when I was on St. John’s Wort and I was suggestible and manic. But this time, I have more to lose. I wouldn’t be able to hide this from Jesse when he comes back. I am not able to lie or keep secrets. It’s possible that Jesse would reject me once and for all if I was doing something like that. Yes, okay, I could find another boyfriend besides Jesse, blah blah, I know.

I just feel disgusted at the thought of having sex with boring, stupid, random strangers from a dating website. How can it be that I am so repulsed by this sex, but *they* are not? Are those guys actually enjoying it?

Oddly, the answer is probably ‘no.’ I read something, some article online, not long ago, where they took surveys of a large number of people to find out their sexual fantasies, and the number one most common sexual fantasy for both men and women was, shockingly, the fantasy of having a romantic, emotional, spiritual, loving connection with the person they were having sex with – the fantasy of actually being in love. This is a nearly universal human desire. Men who are paying for prostitutes are, themselves, lonely and disappointed at not experiencing romantic love. They *do* want love, and they *don’t* feel perfectly contented and perfectly satisfied with mere
sex-for-the-sake-of-sex.

**************
I won’t write all of this now, but the ‘brainwashing’ that’s been going on has been in the direction of convincing me that government is actually necessary, government is actually doing us some good, government really is fighting the bad guys and protecting us against them. I’ve had a libertarian-anarchist attitude all this time, and hate the government, hate the taxes, hate the banking system which is tied in with government – it’s inseparable. Everything bad is interconnected with government and inseparable from it. So you might have one branch of government that’s allegedly fighting the bad guys by preventing the drug companies from selling a lot of the drugs they otherwise would have sold, but then, on the other hand, you have government encouraging the use of drugs and protecting drug companies against lawsuits for things like vaccine damage. It’s like best friends and mortal enemies at the same time. They are inseparable from each other. The brainwashing has been aimed at convincing me ‘Government isn’t so bad after all.’

It’s also not possible to really pinpoint things that are happening as a result of a ‘mixed economy,’ versus things that really are the fault of pure capitalism. We DON’T HAVE capitalism. That was something I’ve learned from the libertarians and objectivists. We do not actually have a free market. So I cannot argue the theory that ‘if the capitalists were really free to run their businesses the way they would want to, they’d be a lot more charitable and would treat their employees better.’

It’s just some vague idea which is hard for me to define. I’ve been trying to say: market forces do not value quality of life as an explicit goal. Perhaps that would be what the Marxists are calling ‘the common good.’

Let me give an example that I’m thinking of. This is a real issue which is always being debated. Do we raise the minimum wage?

If you are a libertarian, the answer is obvious. No, don’t raise the minimum wage, because that merely increases costs to the employers, who then have to raise the prices of everything. I’ve seen it happen in real life. Last time they raised the minimum wage, McDonald’s instantly increased the prices of all the foods on the menu. It was an obvious and straightforward thing.

However, I’ve become even more cynical over the years. They tore down our old McDonald’s, and built a new one. But the new store was…. don’t get me started. It was beyond horrible. It was an utter fiasco, and it probably still is to this day. EVERYONE… HATES… IT. EVERYONE HATES IT! IT IS HORRIBLE! WHAT PART OF ‘THIS NEW STORE IS HORRIBLE’ DON’T THEY UNDERSTAND??? They took away the playplace because, they said, it was a liability if someone got hurt. The customers hate that! Part of going to McDonald’s was about taking your kids to the playplace. Is it because we’re just not having kids anymore, now that the depopulation agenda has lowered our birth rate to below replacement level? No more kids, so, no need for a playplace.

I am telling you, every little thing, every little detail, about that new store is horrible. Okay, if I were deliberately seeking to look for positive things, I could name a few differences that were positive, you know, things about the way the kitchen was set up, a couple new ways of doing things that turned out to be better. But… there was SO MUCH STUFF that just WASN’T WORKING, so much equipment that is absolute garbage, so much ‘they don’t make it like they used to’ type equipment, where they give us a fancy-schmancy
super-computerized touchscreen look-it’s-awesome new shake machine, new smoothie machine, and so on – only to find that it is constantly malfunctioning and failing every other day, so that we are constantly telling customers, ‘Sorry, our ice cream machine isn’t working today, we can’t sell you any ice cream or shakes. Sorry, the smoothie machine isn’t working today,’ and so on. There’s not enough room in the storage area to store stuff, the dishwashing sink is too tiny and has no water pressure because we’re ‘saving money’ by not having any water pressure… it just goes on and on, ask any employee there and they will tell you all about it.

An even more paranoid conspiracy theorist in me might say that actually, someone within the corporation was systematically, deliberately, consciously, actively sabotaging McDonald’s, so that every little detail would fail in every possible way, to put them out of business and make them unprofitable. That is how it seems. The sinister forces of total failure are at work within McDonald’s Corporation. Are they the good guys, or the bad guys?

From this fiasco, I learned that somebody up high in the corporation was either deliberately and systematically sabotaging us, or else, they are a bunch of unbelievably complete morons, and I honestly cannot decide which it is. How could *anyone* have thought this was a good idea, or this, or this, or this!… this long ever-growing list of insanity that somebody, somewhere, thought would be a good idea?

Some extremely high-paid person up in the corporation decided to do all these things, and they are making a million dollars salary a year, while I get paid minimum wage. I feel that I could have made better business decisions than this. If I feel that I, as an uneducated minimum wage employee, and all my coworkers too, could all make better business decisions than the million-dollar salary workers up above us, then something is very, very, very wrong with the system – with capitalism itself. What we are witnessing, with our new store and the giant fiasco, seems to be ‘Capitalism At Its Finest.’

That’s one of the reasons why I’m not trying to go back. I’m sure that I could convince them to let me work just one day a week for a few hours, maybe. I love all the people there, the real people who I knew and saw every day. I wish I could gather them up and save them all. I wish I could whisk them all away to a happy place and give them the life they deserve.

And so, now, my mind has changed just a teensy bit, after having this firsthand experience with the insanity of capitalism. Can I blame this event on our ‘mixed economy,’ the ‘impure capitalism,’ where things would have gone much better if only they had been *less* regulated, not more? Is it really ‘too much regulation’ that is destroying this corporation that used to be great?

I am not entirely certain, actually. There are grains of truth in the argument that if only things had been less regulated, these businesses would have done better. There are also a LOT of grains of truth in the argument that a gold-based banking system would cause fewer economic distortions, such as this very thing, and that perhaps it is the speculation and the fly-by-night corporations in foreign countries giving us shoddy equipment, the companies that have been driven out of the United States because of ‘too much regulation’ and ‘the minimum wage is too high, so we’d rather hire Chinese slaves instead…’ There are a few grains of truth. How much will I believe?

Is it really true that our businesses are SO extremely competitive that if you don’t hire the Chinese slaves, like all the other businesses are doing, you will instantly be destroyed by all the competition who are able to afford all the cheaper products that you can’t afford? Is that really the truth? Is there really no other way? Is it really not possible to pay people in the United States higher wages than the Chinese slaves, yet still run a profitable business? I’m talking in particular about shoddy garbage hardware and equipment with computers in it, like the shake machine and the smoothie machine. Those things are pieces of shit, and everybody everywhere knows it, because I’ve written blogs about it and I routinely get people doing google searches and coming to my blog for search terms like ‘why is the mcdonald’s smoothie machine never working?’ and things like that. Hundreds of people are doing these google searches and coming to my blog!!!! Something is wrong! Why are we using shitty equipment with touchscreens and computerized fancy-schmancy stuff, when a pure and simple MECHANICAL MACHINE without a computer would do the job faster, better, cheaper, more efficiently, and more reliably, with a smaller learning curve and with fewer maintenance costs? Why, McDonald’s, why? The old machines were better! They always worked! Before computers! NO COMPUTERS, MCDONALD’S! GET MACHINES THAT DON’T HAVE ANY COMPUTERS IN THEM! NO TOUCHSCREENS! THE MORE PRIMITIVE, THE BETTER!

So I’ve been wondering. Is it really too much regulation that is, indirectly, causing McDonald’s to fail? Would they be doing better in a more free economy with fewer regulations?

Now, the effects of the paper-money computer-money imaginary-money system are indeed more sinister. I’ll borrow a trillion dollars from the bank, and start my own fly-by-night touchscreen manufacturing corporation in China! Yay me! I won’t produce a single product that actually works, but I’ll convince McDonald’s and their machine makers to buy my touchscreens, and I’ll go bankrupt in a year, and all my employees will throw parties every day in the office and get paid $100 an hour! That’s the effect of imaginary borrowed money in the banking system, and it explains why so many shoddy garbage goods are being produced.

But… while those things are familiar libertarian arguments, which I have known for many years, I started asking some more questions that might make the libertarians uncomfortable. If McDonald’s really is having some issues and is losing profits, couldn’t they…. lower the huge salaries of the highest paid upper level managers? You know… those people who thought it would be a good idea to do this, or this, or this, but it turned out actually not to be a good idea, and the minimum-wage employees at the store level could have all made better business decisions but, alas, were not in the positions of power where they could do so? Is it… unthinkable… to maybe have LOW PAID upper level managers, who make barely more than minimum wage, and then, use all those millions of dollars of manager salaries for something else?

The idea of not having million-dollar salaries for all the upper level executives, the fact that this is unthinkable, the fact that this is sacred and uncuttable, that we cannot possibly cut this particular cost – that’s the place where I’m questioning capitalism. That’s the place where I just can’t blame it on too much regulation, or the paper money banking system. I blame it on people who have this mindset that the upper level managers have to be super-super-rich and
super-superior to the people beneath them, and anything else would be utterly inconceivable and unthinkable. I don’t think that ‘too much regulation’ or ‘the paper money system’ is causing that particular mindset. I think those might be the ‘capitalists’ that some people are complaining about, and I think they might have a valid point there.

I’m not sure if ‘upper level managers’ are actually the people responsible, or whether it is actually the group of people who are the stockholders and, you know, that group of people who ‘own’ the corporation when it’s public. It doesn’t necessarily have to be the upper level managers that I’m talking about. It’s those people who sit around and discuss things at the table, when the company is no longer privately owned. What are they called? I’d have to do a google search to find the right words for this, but I don’t feel like it right now.

The ‘Board Of Directors.’ That’s it. Who are they, what kind of decisions do they make, and how much do they pay themselves? How much of this fiasco are they responsible for? Surely, they pay themselves a million dollars a year. What would happen if they didn’t? If we raise the minimum wage, and it ‘inevitably’ causes our menu prices to rise, what would happen if we lowered those million-dollar salaries of the board of directors, or the upper level managers, or whoever it is that makes a million dollars a year, instead?

It’s just that the libertarian argument against raising the minimum wage makes it sound as though corporations have NO OTHER CHOICE but to raise the prices of their products when the minimum wage goes up, but actually, they do have a lot of other choices of things that they could lower the cost of, without raising the prices of the products. Why is this unthinkable? It is a mindset. It is a way of doing things. It isn’t caused by regulations. The government does not mandate than an upper-level executive must make a million dollars a year. The government also does not mandate that people must ‘worship the sacred schedule,’ as I described it a few months ago in my blog, where we must only work these particular days and hours, and no others. That’s also just a ‘way of doing things,’ a convention, something stupid and harmful which is not caused by regulation, not required by law, but merely the result of closed-minded stupid people who refuse to consider any alternative ways of doing things. I’m getting the same feeling here about these upper level executives and their million dollar salaries, which are sacred and unquestionable.

It cannot be that if you paid them less, you wouldn’t be able to find any decent people, or that we are paying for the best, and we get what we pay for. I HAVE SEEN THE DECISIONS THAT THESE MANAGERS ARE MAKING, and I am telling you, an entire store full of minimum-wage slaves could have made better business decisions than this. You are *NOT!!!* getting what you pay for! You are not guaranteeing good business decisions by paying people a million dollars a year!

That is part of the ‘capitalism’ that I’m pointing to and saying, ‘Yeah, maybe there is something bad and stupid about capitalism.’ Nobody is forcing them to be this stupid! They’re doing that all on their own.

(Now granted. I myself am an electronic mind control victim. I no longer believe that any unshielded human being has free will. In that sense, nobody anywhere is doing stupid things entirely on their own. That fits the ‘sabotage theory.’ Somebody could be deliberately putting idiotic ideas into these people’s heads and forcing them to make truly horrible business decisions to destroy their company, in which case, they ought to be concerned about providing effectively shielded offices for their executives so that they can make business decisions without sinister influences affecting them.)

I’m getting tired of writing. I’m not sure I said all that I want to say. But, the point is: 1. I’m not entirely out of food, but I have some disgusting things that I am reluctant to eat, and I don’t know which one of my resolves will break first, the resolve not to use the credit card, the refusal to eat disgusting food, the reluctance to try going and finding the government office and filling out even more paperwork, which could take weeks or months before I get results – which resolve breaks first?

And 2., the other point is, I’m still kind of questioning capitalism, but seeing valid arguments on both sides, especially for instance the libertarian argument in favor of a totally gold banking system instead of an imaginary money system that we have. This horrible banking system isn’t even the ‘capitalists’ fault – it’s not even real hardcore capitalism, but just plain evil fraud, which deserves a category of its own, and the libertarians and objectivists themselves don’t approve of that outright fraud either. Nobody likes them, but the Marxists will tend to lump them all together as capitalists, when actually, there are some distinctions between different kinds of capitalists.

However, I’m also becoming more fully convinced in my
anti-landownership argument. It IS *ALWAYS* stolen from some primitive person who formerly lived there and just didn’t have the wealth, power, resources, or high technology to defend themselves against the invaders who came and took their land. My backyard, my little piece of property with its nice neat little lines and its little deeds in an office file cabinet somewhere, all of it, was the result of somebody killing or driving away some other person who lived here before but wasn’t powerful enough to resist the invaders – *ALWAYS*. That is ALWAYS how ‘real estate’ is acquired, ALWAYS, and the libertarians and objectivists will sometimes admit that we took land from the Native Americans, but don’t seem to see it as a constant, universal, ongoing thing which is inevitably and unavoidably the very essence of ‘land ownership.’ It is the essence, not merely a one-time regrettable accident or mistake that we might apologize about, from centuries ago, with the Native Americans. So I am developing a stronger impression of how essential and fundamental this forcible theft of land is, to the entire system of land ownership, and therefore, to capitalism itself. For capitalism to work, somebody stole something, and somebody must keep on stealing something, every day, and that is what Marx and the socialists don’t like about capitalism, that its very essence is based upon this theft which is universal and unavoidable, not a mere occasional accident or an occasional crime or not-nice-thing that somebody somewhere did once or twice, but an ongoing universal essence of capitalism itself, at the root. That’s the impression I’m getting.

The question is… what do we do about it? How can you defend yourself against an invader, if you don’t believe in having wealth and power? You need high technology to equal the high technology of the invaders, tons of wealth and resources and power to equal the wealth and power of the invaders. If the invaders taking your land away have a hundred horses and a hundred swordsmen, then you cannot defend yourself if you are opposed to the aquisition of swords and horses. This is the ‘arms race’ concept that I wrote about a few days ago. You can live an innocent life, but you won’t be able to protect yourself against the invaders.

Capitalism – it’s all about property rights. But I am telling you this, that the people who have the property now, always get more of it and take it away from someone else who wasn’t strong enough to fight back. Property rights don’t exist until a wealthy and powerful person is finished stealing the property from a powerless person, and then, all of a sudden, property rights exist! How convenient! I am telling you, this is the essence of capitalism and property rights, all the time. The people who were already wealthy and powerful yesterday, are collecting more wealth and power by force today, from you and me and innocent weak people, and then, afterwards, declaring to themselves, ‘We have property rights!’ And then, they trade this land, they buy it, they sell it, they chop it into little squares, they rent it out and make people pay to live there, and they tell us that we have this nice, neat, organized system called capitalism and property rights. They make it sound as though this nice, neat organized system is the means by which we got this land originally, but it NEVER IS. This nice neat organized system of laws, this ‘rule of law,’ did not exist until it was convenient for the thieves to let it exist, and then all of a sudden, it existed. I steal all of your land from you, and then suddenly I shout ‘Property rights!’ and everybody listens to me, and they say, ‘Okay, property rights! That’s fine! We’ve got a system now!’ So they buy and sell it to each other, all of them, in this newly invented system that wasn’t here yesterday when they were stealing it from the people who used to live here. Suddenly they have ‘rule of law’ and ‘property rights’ now, but it did not exist yesterday, and it was not used as the means of obtaining the land in the first place, and it never is, and it cannot be, by the essence of their whole way of doing things.

So, I see that as a legitimate grievance against capitalism itself, and Marx is making this more clear to me. I’ll go ahead and post this now… it’s gotten long.

The Cat Class: small animals who can’t reach the doorknobs.

January 20, 2015

6:47 PM 1/20/2015

I haven’t really read a whole lot of Marx yet. I’ve just dabbled in it on and off all day. I have a task. My phone alarm is going off at least once every hour, to tell me to fill out a couple more lines on my job applications. After I have done only one or two lines (one line is all that I require per hour), I take another break. This is because filling out job applications is unbearably, horribly stressful. I am not even joking. If all that I do is require myself to fill out one line of the application every hour, then take another hour break to fool around, that minimizes the stress that I experience from it. But if I try to force myself to finish filling out an entire application all at once, the stress and the pain and the anxiety and the trauma all build up and increase to a higher and higher level which is unbearable. I have to take frequent rests from this horrible anxiety and torture.

I don’t have a lot of food left. Mom says she will send me a check to cover the rent. I have some food, but there are some problems with it. I bought gefilte fish in a jar. It was good at first, but now, the particular jar that I have might not be as fresh, or something, I don’t know, but it tastes a little bit bitter and is gag-inducing almost. I can nibble the fish a little bit, but not much. I also got some braunschweiger, liver sausage. It’s always too much. If you eat too much liver, your hair falls out from vitamin A poisoning, and I have started noticing my hair is falling out, after eating it for only a couple days. My hair could also be falling out from having used ginseng – herbal drugs often cause hair loss, and St. John’s Wort did too – but it was noticeable right when I had eaten the liver sausage for a few days in a row. So I have to take a break from the liver sausage, which means I would need to freeze it to prevent it from spoiling. Then, I have a few jars of non-nourishing low-calorie foods which cannot be eaten as filling staple foods – I have a jar of olives, a jar of pickles, a container of cooked beets, and so on, a couple things which are not really staple foods and not very filling.

I have a credit card and have not begun to use it yet. It is an option.

I won’t talk about this for very long, but, I was writing in my notebook, thinking of Marxism. As I write, I am always constantly under the influence of the voices, so this is never just me alone thinking my thoughts.

I haven’t read all the materials from Marx online. I just dabbled, as I said. But as I wrote in my notebook, I was thinking of bits and pieces of it, and putting my own ‘spin’ onto it.

We are always inevitably born into a world in which somebody else already has more power than we do. First, it is our parents, when we are a baby, and we can be lucky or unlucky, born into a family of kind and gentle people, or a family of crazy and abusive people.

Then, outside the family, there is all of society, all of the social classes, all of the economic system. The ‘land grabs’ have already been done, and we already live in a world where somebody has done the ‘enclosures,’ putting up fences around the land, dividing it into pieces, selling it and buying it, taxing it, and so on.

I was thinking about this, and then something funny happened. I was sitting there writing in my notebook, and I gently petted Jacob, who was sitting near me on the bed. I was thinking of the social classes. I was going to write them down. So, looking at Jacob, the first one that I said was, ‘The Cat Class.’

And I took it totally seriously, although there was a tone of humor in the voice. But it is real. Cats are a social class. If we do not recognize that cats are a social class, then we are blinding ourselves to enormous, vast sections of reality. Cats are a social class. Understanding the animal classes can give us insight into the human classes.

What characterizes this social class, the cat class? Pet cats are often born, by force, indoors, physically trapped in a house, where they cannot reach the doorknobs, cannot grasp the doorknobs, cannot lift open the windows to jump out. They are born slaves due to their physical weaknesses, their body, their lack of grasping hands, their short height.

If you do let them outdoors, if the cat is lucky to be born to a nice family that lets its cats out, then even so, they may be in an urban environment far away from rodents and birds that they could hunt.

Your relation to opportunities for self-reliance is part of what defines your class. Is it possible for you to do something to obtain food and shelter for yourself, by yourself, directly?

Humans have the same problem. We are born, by force, inside a house, where we are infants, too small to reach the doorknobs. We must rely on someone to carry us around. They teach us how to live. They give us food. If they do not teach us anything useful, then we grow up helpless. Our parents’ ignorance, our society’s ignorance, affects us for our whole life.

When we are allowed to go outdoors, we might notice, there is grass, and trees, and plants, and animals. We might love these things, we might be interested in these things, but if nobody teaches us how to use them, we go our whole lives having this feeling, like I myself did, that I have always wanted to know, how do I make sticks and stones and leaves and mud into a shelter? How do I hunt for food? What food can I eat? I have always wanted to know about
self-reliance. And after having many experiences of food poisoning, parasites, and toxic plants and herbs, I know that it is not at all straightforward or easy or safe to just go out into the world and start hunting and gathering from the plants and animals out there.

But the world I grew up in distracted me, distracted my attention from these things. I was encouraged to learn how to read books and go to school and work at jobs and earn money and pay rent and buy my food in the grocery store. This is an indirect self-reliance where I depend on the rest of society to give me what I need. It’s all got to be there, and if it isn’t, I don’t know how to get it. If something happens and the food isn’t in the grocery store, if we lose the electricity and the food spoils in all the freezers, I don’t know what to do.

So, the cat class. I began thinking of the animal classes, and the plant classes, and the bacteria and virus and parasite classes. All of these are social classes. All of them are real. If you overlook their existence, you are blinding yourself to most of life, most of reality, and you are missing out on important insights about human life and the human social classes. The animal classes are analogous to human classes. A cat is born far away from anyplace where it can easily go hunting and find plenty of food. This happens through no fault of its own.

Ah, yes – the little survey I had to take to apply for a job at Weis. I remember one of the questions that disturbed me. There were several questions that were so offensive, I could not bear to answer them the way I was supposed to answer them. One of the questions that confused me was something like, (and I’m paraphrasing), ‘If people continue to suffer because they keep doing what they’ve always done, that’s their own fault.’ Those weren’t the exact words, but the basic idea seemed to be that there are people who complain about their suffering, and you’re *SUPPOSED TO* blame them for continuing to suffer, because our economic system believes that you are responsible for ‘lifting yourself up out of poverty’ by means of ‘your own hard effort,’ and if you fail to do so, it’s your own fault and your own laziness and your own lack of desire to do any hard work. They believe, wrongly, that nothing but hard work is all you need to get ahead in the world, and if you continue to suffer in poverty and misery, that’s your own fault because you’re too stupid and lazy to climb up the social ladder through hard work. They ignore, and do not give enough weight to, the power of pre-existing forces in the world to totally enslave you and cause you misery, from the moment you’re born, through no fault of your own, merely by your bad luck of being born in the wrong place.

Imagine if you were, literally, born in a jail. Cats and dogs are born in a jail, because they don’t have grasping hands and can’t open doorknobs. A simple door with a doorknob is enough to totally enslave a dog or cat for its entire life and force it to endure unbearable cruelty, suffering, starvation, bad food, spaying and neutering, declawing, vaccinations, pesticide poisoning, disgusting perfumes and bad air (I think about that because my room smells bad when the litter box has anything in it, so if I leave the room with the cats inside, I always at least open the window a crack so they can get up on the windowsill and get some fresh air if they want it. I don’t use perfumes or Febreze or anything, but if I did, I should think about the effect on my animals who cannot stop constantly smelling this disgusting smell.).

Again, if you think about human social classes, human economic classes, and if you ignore or dismiss the existence of all the animal classes, then you are really missing out on a huge amount of insight into your own human classes. Physical weaknesses, or being born into a bad position, affect humans as much as they affect animals, and it’s possible to literally be born into a jail cell and be unable to escape from it for your entire life. This is taboo, but surely it is already going on, with actual humans. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it isn’t happening. Surely, there is some house somewhere, with a kidnapped person inside, forced to live their entire life in a jail cell, and nobody knows they exist.

I know about the evil, sociopathic cruelty of human beings. I know it from personal experience. Horrific evil is a constant, everyday thing that never ends. Surely, there is some house with a kidnapped person in a cell in the basement, and nobody ever walks into that house to see them, nobody ever comes and inspects the entire house from top to bottom to find out if there are any secret rooms with people locked inside them. Do *YOU* ever go inside the houses of every single house on the block in your neighborhood? Can you say you have any idea what is going on in those houses? If some human were being kept in a jail cell in somebody’s basement, would you know? Have the police been able to solve the mystery of every single disappearance, every murder, every kidnapping? Surely somebody somewhere is keeping pet humans and breeding them in captivity – LITERALLY.

Not just the usual ‘slaves,’ not just African slaves, but, gasp of horror, ‘Real People,’ as in, white people. Yes, I’m being sarcastic, but I’m emphasizing, there are crimes of white people against white people, enslavement of white people by white people. It might be easier to understand this crime when you think of it that way. It is not ‘merely’ a crime against people of the African race, and it is not merely ‘something that once happened in the past, but isn’t happening anymore.’ Human slaves exist in all races, by all races.

So you have the idea of these ‘locked in a room’ and ‘bred in captivity’ type of human slaves now. They are analogous to the cat class. For whatever reason, they are born in a jail, they cannot unlock it, they are physically captive and cannot escape.

But then you have more vague, less literal forms of power and enslavement. Maybe, you’re allowed to go outdoors and you’re not locked in your house. However, you were born with some kind of weakness which makes it hard to survive. Maybe you were born with a lower IQ, so you can’t really achieve much in school or graduate college. You still have to live somehow. You live in a world where you have to keep a job and earn an income. The people who existed before you, the people who built this world that you live in, made this system where you have to get a job and buy food and pay rent. You don’t get to decide how high that rent is. If your low IQ, or your chronic fatigue syndrome (like myself), makes it hard for you to earn lots of money, then you might barely be able to pay the rent.

Rent is *NOT*, not not not NOT, something which is determined by ‘market forces’ of ‘supply and demand.’ Somebody already took that land, before you were born, and decided what was going to be done with it, before you even had a chance to express your desires, your demands. If they decided that a skyscraper would be built there, then, no matter how much supply and demand might wish it to be different, there is a skyscraper there now and it cannot be undone. If they decided that an asphalt road would be built, that asphalt and concrete would cover every inch of the land for miles and miles and miles and miles around you, then, no matter how much you might wish differently, it is there and it cannot be undone. It is ‘the status quo.’ It is ‘the way things are being done now.’ If somebody had enough money and power at some point in the past that they were able to destroy every living thing that exists, then it doesn’t matter how much you and everyone demand something, it’s already gone and it’s not coming back. You and hundreds of people could all be wishing that this was farmland and that you could be living there as peasants, but somebody has already paved over a thousand square miles of asphalt and concrete and there is absolutely no hope of undoing that. It is inflexible and unchanging. It DOES NOT RESPOND TO SUPPLY AND DEMAND.

Let me give an extreme and unrealistic scenario to make the point. If somebody in the past decided to blow up nuclear bombs over the entire planet, destroying every living human and plant, leaving only a few tiny groups of humans who had to somehow survive and regrow, then it doesn’t matter what those little groups of remaining people might have wanted from the world. Their ‘demand’ is absolutely powerless. They might wish that they had green, growing fields full of healthy, edible plants, but no amount of demand will change the fact that now, every inch of soil on the planet is polluted with radiation. Somebody did that in the past, they made a world with some kind of unchangeable, inflexible fact, something which cannot be undone, which messed up life for everybody else thereafter.

I am saying that even something like paying rent is the same as that. Somebody ‘owns’ the land, because they ALREADY HAD wealth and power, and they USED FORCE to move people off the land and enclose it with fences and not let the peasants live there on their subsistence farms. They chased those peasants away with guns and swords, because they were people who had no qualms about killing. Some people are born with a conscience, and some people are not. If you’re ‘lucky’ enough to be born without a conscience, then it’s easy for you to obtain as much physical power as you want over other people – all you have to do is start killing people, and everyone will just submit to you to avoid being killed, rather than killing you and your gangs in retaliation. People do not like to kill. Even if they are being killed and attacked by gangs of thugs, they do not like to kill in order to defend themselves, and they would rather submit.

That is the method by which EVERY PIECE OF LAND, EVERY PIECE OF ‘PROPERTY’ which is now being protected legally by ‘property rights’ under the ‘rule of law,’ that is how every piece of property in existence came to be, if it is divided into little squares and owned by a ‘deed’ or ‘title’ which you have to purchase from a bank by means of a mortgage. In order to get that piece of land, somebody somewhere had to physically kill a bunch of peasants. Not ‘merely’ a bunch of stone age primitive Native Americans being invaded by Columbus and the white Europeans, but, our own ‘real’ people, quote unquote, ‘real’ white people, peasants, our own race. And all they had to do was *threaten* everyone else thereafter, if they had already demonstrated their willingness to kill somebody. The gang of thugs doesn’t have to kill people every day. People remember that it can. People remember that you will either be killed, or thrown in jail.

This is one of the key concepts, the concept of oppressing members of your own race. Members OF YOUR OWN RACE are being oppressed by other members OF YOUR OWN RACE. Libertarians will sometimes acknowledge that we white people invaded North America and took it from the Native Americans. But they act like all of us white people were acting together as one unified force. We all agreed, already, that we were going to move into the United States and divide up the land into little squares and then sell it to each other. That was already settled, they think. All of us white people already had our organized society and our way of doing things, and it was okay with all of us, already, to chop up the land into little squares and sell it to ourselves, because that’s how we did things.

It is not that straightforward. The white people did not all have a unified agreement that we would all adopt the Constitution of the United States. The white people did not all agree that we were going to chop the land into little squares and sell it to each other and put fences up around it. The white people were not all one unified force. This is something that the libertarians often seem to gloss over, whenever they reluctantly admit that ‘we,’ the unified force of white people who have all agreed to do exactly the same thing and live exactly the same way and seek the same goals, ‘we’ all decided to take the land away from the Native Americans, but after that was done, everything was fine, and yeah, maybe that wasn’t a nice thing to do, but oh well, we’re fine now. Maybe we can apologize to the Native Americans for what we did to them a couple centuries ago, and that should suffice.

Meanwhile, EVERY DAY… RIGHT NOW, right here, where you are, you yourself are one of the ‘white people’ (if you’re using the internet and reading my blog, then at the very least, you are a modernized person with internet access, although you are not necessarily a white European) – you might or might not agree with the goals and desires of the forces that created the world you live in. You might be more or less oppressed by those forces, even if they are the same race as you, even if you were born in a modern house with running water and electricity and paved roads and television sets. Oppression is not merely something that briefly happened one time, in one big horrific incident, a long time ago, when we invaded the United States and took the land away from the Native Americans. It is an ongoing, universal, constant, unavoidable, inescapable thing that happens all of the time, every day, to every person.

That is what Marxism is making me aware of. It reminds me that we have ‘social classes’ even within the world of this one racial group, the world of modernized white people with television sets and cars and running water.

I’ll quit writing for now – I think that I have to fill out some more lines on my job applications soon. The basic idea was ‘the cat class,’ when I was writing on paper in my notebook, and the fact that I took it seriously. The cat class is a real social class that gives us insight into human social classes – you can be born with some weakness that makes you unable to overcome the forces that enslaved you before you were even born. You can’t reach up to open the doorknob. Sorry to end this blog post in such a bleak and depressing manner – surely, I will have to find some ray of hope, some spirit of survival. Every slave must look for hope. Every slave must see the ray of light shining into its soul, so that it may exist.

ehh – probably an ILI, not SLI

January 20, 2015

I’m continuing to read, and actually, this is ‘global economics’ in the abstract, like most ILIs that I have read. I said in my previous post, ‘Gee, maybe he’s a SLI,’ but probably not.

Karl Marx – a raving lunatic

January 20, 2015

I’m starting to wonder if Karl Marx is the SLI personality type, like myself. I’m having the same experience of reading something which I know is taboo and frowned upon and said to be ‘bad’ and ‘something we’re not supposed to read,’ similar to reading the Unabomber and realizing that actually he sounds very sensible and I agree with almost everything that he’s saying. Here is some of the raving lunacy that I’m reading:

“Labour is, in the first place, a process in which both man and Nature participate, and in which man of his own accord starts, regulates, and controls the material re-actions between himself and Nature. He opposes himself to Nature as one of her own forces, setting in motion arms and legs, head and hands, the natural forces of his body, in order to appropriate Nature’s productions in a form adapted to his own wants. By thus acting on the external world and changing it, he at the same time changes his own nature. He develops his slumbering powers and compels them to act in obedience to his sway. We are not now dealing with those primitive instinctive forms of labour that remind us of the mere animal. An immeasurable interval of time separates the state of things in which a man brings his labour-power to market for sale as a commodity, from that state in which human labour was still in its first instinctive stage. We pre-suppose labour in a form that stamps it as exclusively human. A spider conducts operations that resemble those of a weaver, and a bee puts to shame many an architect in the construction of her cells. But what distinguishes the worst architect from the best of bees is this, that the architect raises his structure in imagination before he erects it in reality. At the end of every labour-process, we get a result that already existed in the imagination of the labourer at its commencement. He not only effects a change of form in the material on which he works, but he also realises a purpose of his own that gives the law to his modus operandi, and to which he must subordinate his will. And this subordination is no mere momentary act. Besides the exertion of the bodily organs, the process demands that, during the whole operation, the workman’s will be steadily in consonance with his purpose. This means close attention. The less he is attracted by the nature of the work, and the mode in which it is carried on, and the less, therefore, he enjoys it as something which gives play to his bodily and mental powers, the more close his attention is forced to be.”

I thought Ayn Rand always said that Marxists didn’t understand that labor was what we use to produce value? But that is the very thing he is describing here. He is saying, even a primitive person or an animal uses labor to get food or whatever. It is inherently necessary to live. I thought that Marxists were the people who hated labor and thought that food would magically appear for them without their having to do any work? Sigh. I should go find some forums on the net and then argue with the most hardcore libertarian-objectivist trolls that I can find, anyone in favor of capitalism, anyone who strongly believes in land ownership and insists that land ownership is better than the alternative. That way I would not need an imaginary inner libertarian, but instead I could find the worst of the worst of the real trolls who are out there in the world.

However, the thing is, libertarians are actually not a very powerful force, not a very powerful threat to fight against. They’re not really my enemies; in fact, they are probably my friends. It’s the ignorant masses who are the enemy, the people who simply never use their brains at all and take for granted that this piece of property that they ‘own’ when they buy a house was given to them by God and has always existed in exactly that state and they are entitled to ‘own’ it, and it never occurs to them that somebody else might have lived there at some time in the past and was using the land in a different way than they are. The ignorant masses, who never think about anything, are the ones perpetuating the status quo, and the
libertarians actually are more my friends than the ignorant masses are. The libertarians at least are *thinking* about something and asking questions and at least are *trying* to understand what’s going on in the world. The ignorant masses are not.

Land grabbing

January 20, 2015

Yep, Marxism is okay. I’m reading about it now. It isn’t a bunch of raving lunatics. It is history, but written with a tone of some disapproval, from the losers’ point of view. We have many centuries of history of ‘land grabbing.’ People take the common land from the peasants by force, even their own people. We’re not merely invading other continents and taking land away from primitive tribes of stone age people with wooden spears, we’re also grabbing land away from our own peasants, the land they were sharing in common.

My inner libertarian says that common land is always misused because no one is responsible for it, but when it’s owned by only one individual who has to make it profitable, the use becomes more efficient. They say it’s always overgrazed if no one is responsible for it.

I’m not sure I have enough energy to debate with an imaginary inner libertarian who isn’t even putting up a very good fight. My inner libertarian is giving up. He or she is not really trying very hard to change my mind. I’m just gonna read this stuff and absorb it and agree with it. It’s the truth, we have spent centuries and centuries grabbing the land away from peasants by force, and making it into larger farms owned by one person.

This is just plain old history. I remember some of the words, words like ‘feudalism,’ but I paid no attention in history class, and I had no judgment of it back then, and the school history books did not provide me with any judgment. I did not understand. I didn’t know how it felt to slave away, wasting decades of your life working at extremely hard physical labor, destroying your body, using stimulant drugs, suffering chronic fatigue, and to add insult to injury, having your soul murdered by a gigantic global system of electronic weapons that destroy your free will so that you cannot take action to better yourself.

I mean, come on! We’re supposed to ‘climb out of poverty?’ I was taking a personality test online while applying for the job at Weis, and it had those insane stupid ethical questions where you are supposed to answer ‘strongly agree’ or ‘strongly disagree’ every time if you want to pass the test, even if the question is ‘I am a perfect person who never makes mistakes and has never made a mistake in my entire life and will never make any mistakes in the future – strongly agree!’ This is capitalism at its finest. They want happy slaves who are perfect people who never make mistakes and who obey authority at all times – the managers are always right, never wrong.

I’m not going to spend *too* long of a time blogging, because I have these web pages open and I’m reading them. For example, this:

https://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1867-c1/ch27.htm

There was something called ‘enclosure.’ Basically, a bunch of people live on the land and graze their herds on the common ground, and then, somebody puts a fence around it or something, pushes everyone off the land, and now they officially ‘own’ that piece of land. Yippee! Capitalism! Land ownership! Property rights!

I am learning some basic terminology to describe what I’m talking about, like the phrase ‘land rights’ and ‘land grabbing.’ I mean, now that I’ve seen those terms, they seem obvious, but I wasn’t explicitly google searching for those terms. I just didn’t know what to call it, what to look for. Now I do. It seems obvious in hindsight. Oh! ‘Land grabbing!’ Is that what it’s called? Of course, I’ve heard that phrase a million times. I just need a word to call myself, when I talk about the wrongness of land ownership, the wrongness of the entire world, the entire system.

I am mature enough and experienced enough to understand what this all means now. I know now what it means to be forced to do hard labor for decades, killing your body with stimulant drugs. You have to do hard labor when you are a farmer, but you can do it at your own pace. It’s very different.

I’m reading this, and it’s plain old history. It doesn’t look like a bunch of raving lunatics, as I was told. I’ll just go back to reading.

Fort Benning’s annoying logo has a lightning bolt in it

January 20, 2015

175px-MCoE_DUI

Why?  Why do so many military and government agencies have lightning bolts in their symbols?  I should be used to this by now, but it still annoys me every time I encounter one.  I was just googling pictures of Fort Benning so that I could get an idea of where Jesse was going, and I had to see this offensive logo.  I could make fun of those little things that look like lemon slices down in the curves at the bottom.  I guess the lemon slices are there to ward off scurvy on long boat trips.

But the lightning bolt.  Why?  Why lightning?  Why in the position of a sword?  I just don’t even want to go there, I don’t want to have to deal with this.  There are actually several other military-government logos that have lightning bolts in them, I just don’t remember which ones offhand.  There’s no excuse for having a lightning bolt in your symbol, which is visible to everyone openly.  This is offensive to me.

Maybe I should make logos with black lightning bolts to symbolize lightning cancellation.  Derp de der, I just noticed that was black after I posted this.  Still, it’s offensive, and I’m aware that it does NOT symbolize any kind of ‘cancellation.’

Dear Jesse has gone to boot camp today, but I am still with him, and I will wait

January 19, 2015

2:54 PM 1/19/2015

Dearest Jesse has left for boot camp this morning. He will be riding a bus and then a plane.

I did all my crying a couple days ago. This is hard to explain, but, from one way of looking at it, there is no such thing as goodbye. No matter when you do it, no matter what you say, no matter what kind of ‘closure’ you try to achieve, the next day it will all be undone again because the person is still absent from your life. Their continued absence continues to cause pain every day. It doesn’t matter when or how you said goodbye to them, eventually it is inevitable that there will be the day when you can no longer talk to them at all, and it is going to hurt you no matter how much you said goodbye.

And yet, there is still such a thing as a better or worse goodbye. I had to keep seizing every possible moment to see him in the last couple days, while knowing that he was inevitably leaving and it didn’t matter how much time I squeezed in with him, it was still going to hurt. He was in a withdrawing mood, focused on his goal, focused mentally on detaching from everyone and leaving this place, and so he was not very friendly, he was preoccupied, and did not tolerate my company for very long, although he allowed me some brief visits.

So I actually did all my crying on Saturday evening, after visiting him briefly, being not really welcome since he was in a withdrawing mood, and then leaving and going home. I cried all the way home. When I told him this today, he made fun of me and mimicked me riding a bike while sobbing, making a little ‘ching, ching’ noise and gesturing like I was ringing that little bike bell to pass people on the sidewalk, still sobbing – I don’t have one of those bike bells though but I knew exactly what he meant. By that time, my crying was done, so I was able to laugh along with him. I’ve learned by now, he is not really a kind and gentle person, and is not sympathetic with emotions. It’s something that I have to just accept about him. Maybe someday he will be a kinder, more empathic person in the future.

It’s come out over the past few months that he’s got, like, a dozen girlfriends. Back when he had his car, he was probably able to go visit them all more easily, but he hasn’t had the car for a few months now. The car was falling apart – the bumper had been wrecked and broken, and it had some other problems, and they decided it was too expensive to fix. They have a bunch of other cars, so he was borrowing those cars if he really needed one, but it was a shared car, and so he could not really keep it for a long time or do whatever he wanted with it.

This is the only advantage I have, that I chose to actually move to live deliberately near him, in the same neighborhood. Those other girls are young, still in school or college, and they don’t have jobs, or are tied down to finishing school, and they don’t live in apartments or have a lot of freedom to move around and live wherever they want. That is the reason why the other girls cannot visit him as easily as I can, which gives me one small advantage over them. Even though I am 40 and my health is not the greatest (I’ve been ashamed of my itch mite scratches on the back of my legs – they are not at all attractive, and my skin has been alligator-dry lately, with all the horrible itch mite scratches and scars – I don’t feel very sexy). So, he is able to walk to my house, and I can quickly ride my bike to his house in a couple minutes, even if he doesn’t have the car. That has been my one advantage and probably the most important reason why I’ve been able to continue seeing him all this time.

Originally, this was something that ‘they’ arranged. When I first moved out of the tent in the woods, I looked on Craigslist for an apartment somewhere close to my jobs at McD and TB. I actually considered another apartment somewhere not too far away, and I even replied to them, but didn’t get an answer, and the ad vanished and then reappeared – and yes, that kind of thing happens all the time on Craigslist, but I… ‘sensed the presence of puppeteering going on.’ It somehow happened that I got really lucky, and found this one apartment for $240, with the Chinese people, with the curtain over the door and the shared shower upstairs, and it just happened to be within a few minutes walking distance of Jesse’s house, back during a time when I did not yet know Jesse’s address, I only knew he lived somewhere on this side of town in a very general way. Eventually he told me his address and I visited his house, but for a while I did not know. I wasn’t sure if I was welcome in his life at all, or if I was just an annoying stalker bothering him.

I remember a couple times when he ran from his house to my apartment, at the Chinese apartment, and came to the door gasping and collapsing into my arms. He has the Weston Price facial deformities pretty badly – a very narrow face, small jaw, and narrow nose. He probably has deformed sinuses or nasal passages somehow, because he tells me it’s impossible for him to breathe while kissing. (We never kissed a lot, only intermittently.) He also has trouble getting his breath while running. People with small nasal passages and small, underdeveloped lungs with small capacity (yet another serious deformity!) will have a harder time with exercise. He’s going into the army… I hope he will be okay. I do not know if he was born prematurely, but if he was, that would have given him lifelong lung problems. I do know that he was breastfed. I overheard this in one of the conversations with his family. His mother said that he spontaneously weaned himself earlier than expected, maybe nine months or so, I forget what she said.

(I have finally accepted that he wasn’t adopted. He lied to me in the beginning, and said he was adopted – he had a bunch of strange, random lies that he told to get my reactions and ‘test’ me. He confessed that he was lying, but I still suspected that he might have been adopted for real. His hair is the blackest of all his siblings, and his eyebrows are the blackest too. All his siblings have medium brown hair or blondish hair. His black hair came from his dad, whose hair is gray now, so I can’t see how black it used to be, and that’s why I’m not understanding where the dark black hair came from. But I can see from the sides of his eyes that he looks like his dad. He also looks like his mom and has her ENFP personality. He has very big eyes, and if he hadn’t had the facial deformities, those eyes would have been gigantic and wide and beautiful, even more than they are, my favorite feature of a person’s face.)

Anyway I was saying about his dozen-or-so girlfriends. He wasn’t able to visit all of them as much after they got rid of the PT Cruiser and he didn’t have a car anymore. And then, the one girl had a pregnancy scare. So I dealt with that, talked to her, bought her some pregnancy tests, told her my theory eventually that she might be having side effects from her birth control pills. It’s all settled now. With one thing and another (long story) I ended up finding out about the other girls who have been trying to reach him. One of them, the girl who’s in college, visited him and had sex, and he confessed this to me.

I am tolerating these things because I believe in polyamory in principle, and because I have been in those women’s shoes. If there is a scarcity of the type of guy you like, then it seems like people should share a bit. I am willing to share a bit, rather than being competitive and clawing my way to the top of the hierarchy and kicking aside anyone who gets in my way.

However, I do have feelings, normal feelings like a normal human being, and I get jealous and insecure. I’m threatened by the girl who’s in college, because she will be more financially successful than I am. She’s not done yet, but in the future she will be. Surely she will finish college without any problems, as most people do, and then graduate and get a high paying job somewhere. So, she is a threat to my status.

In the army, he won’t have a phone or the internet. In boot camp, at least. He’s going to be cut off from all of society while they do the brainwashing, and it will be literal brainwashing, ‘the whole nine yards,’ with sleep deprivation and everything.

So he won’t be texting these girls on his phone, or sexting them. He was letting me keep his phone at my house for a couple days while I was dealing with the one girl’s pregnancy scare, and he was allowing me to see the different girls who kept texting him, and their conversations and sexts about what they wanted to be doing together. He was so traumatized by the pregnancy threat that it was enraging him and terrifying him every time the phone buzzed with a text message. That was why he let me keep the phone for a few days. That was how I got an impression of just how many different people he knew and how many girls were texting him and wanting to meet him, cuddle, and have sex. He did not actually meet with all of them, especially after losing the car, but he had been with a couple of them at various times and places over the years.

I’m only slightly exaggerating when I say ‘a dozen girls.’ Only maybe two or three girls were texting him and asking to visit him and cuddle. But there were also people on facebook, and I would see that someone was messaging him on his computer, but I did not read the messages. He was also openly telling me a little bit about it, gradually, after he learned that I was not going to just dump him in the garbage instantly if he even threatened to cheat on me. He learned that I tolerate his other relationships, although I am not exactly thrilled about it either, and I’m not going to just throw him away.

I talked to two of those girls. The one girl, I helped her through the pregnancy scare. I promised Jesse that if the pregnancy were real, I would participate in doing whatever we decided to do. She was talking about going someplace to get an abortion, but since she’s just in school, and her family seems to be poor, she didn’t have the money for the abortion. I told Jesse that I would do whatever was necessary, and that translates to, I will pay for this girl’s abortion if that is what we decide to do. I don’t like abortions – they are dangerous, and they can cause permanent infertility or other problems. It also goes against my pro-life attitudes – it’s Jesse’s baby, precious Jesse being reborn again. But I know, I don’t have the money to go raising a baby either, and ideally, we would have wanted a healthy diet and to be totally clean and drug-free first, so the baby would not be deformed.

Oh, I forget where I discovered this, but there is a book called ‘The Brighton Baby,’ or ‘The Brighton Method,’ or something like that. It’s basically Weston Price but with more detail, with the goal of preventing deformities and helping people to be drug-free before conception.

The other girl was the Ukrainian girl. He had mentioned her before. There was a photo on facebook which suddenly appeared, which had originally been hidden. Apparently he kept this photo hidden, since you can set things to only show themselves to particular friends, or whatever. This photo had never been there before, and I had thoroughly dug through his entire facebook page all the way back to the moment when he was ‘born.’ It was just a silly photo of him with some kind of cloth scarf wrapped over his head, and one girl commented in the comments underneath about how cute he was and what a cute boyfriend he was, or something along those lines.

I remember, I clicked on her, and read her profile. I didn’t keep a link to it. I haven’t been able to find her again. He hid the photo again, and denied that it had ever existed when I mentioned it to him recently. But that was the girl. She was Ukrainian, and slightly fat, but when Jesse talked about her, he described her as being fat enough to be ugly, when I think she really is not that fat. It was like he was trying to reassure me that this girl didn’t mean anything to him.

However, there is something I know at age 40. There is no such thing as an un-fuckable teenage girl (or young twenties girl). It does not matter if she is a 300 pound hog with giant pimples and a shaved head. She is fuckable. I know that there is a perceived shortage of women, I know that if I go on a dating website there are hundreds of men who will instantly start pestering me and wanting to have sex and they don’t care if I am a 300 pound hog, and so I know that this
slightly-plumpish girl is not too disgusting to be totally unfuckable and therefore not a threat.

I also know that in other cultures, in some primitive cultures, they value fatness as being even sexier than thinness. Plump women are viewed as MORE desirable, not less desirable. There is cultural variation on this. It is not an absolute set in stone. And so, I am certain that she is not as horribly ugly as he made her out to be. He’s just trying to make me believe that I’m better than she is, to reassure me.

I ended up talking to this girl on his phone. She kept texting him, trying to reach him. I’ve been ignored by him too, and so it hurt me to watch this process being done to somebody else. I’ve been ignored by many other people in my day. After watching this for several days, and mentioning to him that this girl was trying to reach him, and seeing him blow it off like this was nothing, I finally decided to answer her texts myself, and I told her who I was, let her look at my facebook page, and had a conversation with her in text.

I actually told this girl that she ought to come visit Jesse before he left for boot camp. It was, believe it or not, my suggestion that perhaps she ought to do it now while she had the chance. So she did, indeed, come visit him. And they did have sex. She knew his family and had been friends with his mom, because his mom is a very friendly person. The little sister, Rosie, didn’t remember her, because apparently it was a couple years ago. But Jesse told me afterwards about the visit and confessed to having sex with her.

(I believe in polyamory in principle; however, that’s easy for me to say when I’m in a favorable position at the moment. If he starts seeing someone else, spending a lot of time with her, investing a lot of energy into her, and not spending enough time with me, then polyamory-in-principle is not going to seem like such a great thing anymore.)

Anyway, during these conversations with the not-pregnant girl, and the Ukrainian college girl, I found out that it’s common knowledge that Jesse has multiple girlfriends. I mention this fact to them, to see if they know that they are not his only girlfriend, and all of them respond with a sort of matter-of-fact, ‘Oh, yeah, that’s Jesse,’ kind of attitude. The other day I talked to another girl who knew him, a young girl who used to work at McD with me, and I mentioned that he had ‘about a dozen’ girlfriends (making a tone of slight
exaggeration), and she too gave me the ‘yeah, that’s Jesse all right’ kind of response. Everybody knows that he’s very popular.

However, I was starting to feel weak and unloved, insecure and unneeded, on the day when I went to kiss him on the cheek and he pulled away with annoyance and revulsion. He usually doesn’t like to be kissed, even on the cheeks, and doesn’t like a lot of physical affection in general – he is restless, and not a very touchy-feely person. I was saying goodbye to him, giving him some kisses on the face, and, as he so often does, he pulled away irritably. He squirms, he doesn’t want to be hugged, he doesn’t want to be held or stroked.

A little bit later, I went home, and somehow, his irritation hurt me more deeply than usual. He’s leaving. He’s going to be gone for months and months. I started having thoughts. I started thinking, he really was gay. Maybe he’s one of those super-promiscuous guys who can never find love with a woman, because he really just doesn’t like women in general, but hasn’t admitted it yet. The way he blows people off and doesn’t care how they feel – when he ignores someone, as he’s done to me and as I’ve seen him do to others – I started thinking, you know, maybe he just can’t bond deeply with any women in general, because he just hates women, and he really is gay.

I was hurt and angry, and this theory was going through my mind. I was thinking, he didn’t need me at all, he didn’t want me at all, and I was giving him no benefit whatsoever by being part of his life. There was really no reason for me to be around. So I texted him and said, ‘It’s all right to be gay,’ and he responded by calling me back on the phone and having a rather heated conversation about this, insisting he was not gay.

We talked about it, and I will just summarize the conclusion, which is, yes, I do matter in his life, and he wants me to continue to be with him, even though he is gone at boot camp. I don’t always understand that I matter to someone. I am always surprised to learn that it matters what I say and do. I usually assume that I don’t matter at all.

It is the middle of January, and I suspect that the days might have gotten longer. I know that officially the numbers will say that they have, if I look on a chart. But, what I mean is, I am starting to *feel* a little bit better. I was able to walk around and pick up some more job applications. It was warmer outside. I might be able to start working again. I will always be at my worst in the middle of winter, but I will improve as the days grow longer.

My Jesse is traveling today. He will have been on a bus, and then a plane. I do not know what, or when, or where he is now. He is going down to Fort Benning, Georgia. I do not know where he will be stationed or deployed afterwards. I don’t know. We established that he wants me to continue being part of his life, that I matter to him. I don’t always believe it, but he tells me again that I do, I matter. He will be gone all these months. I will try to recover and get a job again, while hating our society, hating our money system, hating the status quo.

I had a conversation with my landlady who was having similar thoughts, similar negative feelings towards our society, our healthcare system, our money system, and so on. She has health problems too, and has to somehow support herself. She mentioned an example of someone who had researched the African slaves in the south, and that person had talked about the way that all the laws were set up only to protect wealthy landowners, and that was all – all the laws cared about were wealthy landowners, and nobody else existed or had any ‘rights’ but them. ‘Property rights’ only exist for wealthy landowners, basically, and anyone else can just go fuck themselves. She said, all of those laws are still in place – the legal system only exists to protect wealthy landowners even nowadays. That’s why I’ve been feeling a bit anti-capitalistic lately. There *are* a few other people walking around on this planet besides wealthy landowners, who also need some kind of laws protecting *them*.

But that’s a subject for another day, because I ended up talking all about Jesse, since he is the most important thing on my mind today, and I can’t just forget, ‘Oh, Jesse left and he’s going to be gone for months and months with no communication!’

I did my crying. I cried for hours, on Saturday. Mary Jo was out of town, driving her daughter back to college, and so it was the perfect time for me to be alone in the house, sobbing loudly, talking out loud to myself, walking around the house singing songs and making up tunes. That’s what I do when nobody can hear me. I haven’t lived alone in a long, long time. I sing a lot more when nobody is around. But this time, I cried, and cried, and cried.

I might need to cry again in the future. Jesse is still on my mind. I won’t understand why I’m not able to see him. I won’t remember. Most likely, it will be something ‘the voices’ make me aware of, as they sometimes do. I don’t feel something, until somebody says something, or does something, or says exactly the right words, or the right song, or makes me see something differently, and suddenly I become aware that I am very sad, but it’s been there subconsciously underneath all this time, quietly doing nothing, just sitting there, coloring the background of all that I do. I won’t know that I’m missing him, but my body will know. My body won’t understand why I’m not hugging him, hearing his voice, seeing his face. I will only hug the empty air.

During our talk, Jesse asked me if I had any questions, if there was anything else that I needed to ask him and clear up. I said, ‘I was wondering: should I try to date other people while you are gone?’ He said, ‘Try again.’ I said, ‘Do you mean, ask a different question?’ and he said, ‘yes.’ This same thing has happened before: in the beginning, I attempted to inform him about my previous boyfriends and about the fact that I had a friend named Steve who occasionally visited me (Steve is a puppet, and he gets forced urges sometimes – Steve himself described to me many incidents where he had taken symbolic or psychic suggestions and followed them, maybe to go on a spontaneous trip out of town to visit somebody he hadn’t seen in years, that kind of thing). I was trying, in the beginning, to find out whether Jesse wanted me to be in a serious relationship with him long-term, or whether I ought to go try to date other guys instead.

When I tried to write about those things, Jesse de-friended me on facebook, during the time when facebook was my only way to talk to him, so I learned that this is a subject that we simply cannot discuss. He re-friended me and we have continued seeing each other all this time, but it is a subject we cannot talk about openly. The impression I have gotten, the understanding that I have, is something like: yes, I can occasionally see other guys, but don’t start up anything permanent, don’t permanently abandon Jesse, don’t do anything that can’t be undone, don’t get pregnant, etc. We will sort of ‘wink, nod, and look the other way,’ and not talk about it, as long as it does not interfere with my relationship with Jesse or take too much of my time and energy away from him, or cause me to form long-term serious bonds with other people. That is the understanding I’m getting.

Sooner or later, my body will start to remember that I need to hug someone, something besides the empty air. I can pet my cats, but I will want to hug a man. Most likely, Steve will be there. I do still occasionally get unexpected visits from Steve, even now. Also, Jesse’s family likes me, and Jesse’s mom invited me to keep coming over for dinner once in a while even though Jesse is gone, and she also gives me hugs.

What will I do for someone, if I know that it matters? A lot. Very, very much. I am willing and able to make huge, difficult, expensive sacrifices for people I care about, if it helps them. I spent years tending Peter, the diabetic, driving him to Wal-Mart, patiently walking around with him, visiting him, helping him in many ways. And so, I am bonding with Jesse, and I will guard him to the best of my ability over time, and do whatever he needs me to do.

We went ice skating a few times. It was very fun; however, I’m out of money and can’t do it again right now. Oh, it would be so sad to go again without Jesse! He held on to my arm while we skated, and I supported him. I think, after a while, he was doing it just to be nice to me, to make me feel needed. He was learning to skate without me. Somehow, for some reason, I was able to skate comfortably, while he was awkward and timid. He told me he used to play hockey as a young child, and did very well back then, but fell and injured himself and got scared to skate. He twisted his ankle or something. After we skated a couple times, we gradually learned that there are different kinds of ice skates, and it matters which type you are using, so we tested the straight flat ones (made for fancy stuff like jumps and spins) and the rounded hockey ones. I wasn’t sure which ones I liked more, but Jesse definitely felt more comfortable in the rounded hockey skates. You can sort of turn more easily or something with them.

We didn’t get enough practice, as I ran out of money and we couldn’t go back. Oh, I loved it though, it was so much fun. Skating without Jesse – how lonely – but maybe I will when I get money again. But I think, after a while, he was doing better and better, and didn’t need to hold my arm. It just was to make me feel needed. Just like I couldn’t really help him study for the ASVAB, once he got on the website and started doing the tutorials – after a while, I was a distraction, rather than a help.

He wants to grow up and be strong and independent. He is 20. When you are a young adult, you do still need someone to understand that you are not fully grown yet. People are not really grown up until they are, maybe, about 30, and then, I myself feel that I’m just starting to grow up at age 40, right now. I have the courage to say things I wouldn’t have said years ago (mostly about capitalism, at this point). I know another woman from McD who is about my age, and she said that she, too, finally started questioning her religious beliefs around age 40. Now she is more skeptical and doesn’t automatically believe that the world is the way people tell her it is. I think it might be about age 40 when this starts to happen to you. But when you are 20, like dear Jesse, maybe you still need to pretend, for a little while longer, that someone is helping you, guiding you, supporting and protecting you. I was there, right at that time.

Jesse, come back safe, as we go our separate ways for a while – I am dragging far behind and far away on the path, but I am still on your path with you.

Confronting my fears – Which fears ought to be challenged, and which ones ought to be obeyed?

January 14, 2015

1:40 PM 1/14/2015

I can’t remember exactly what prompted this google search, but I was reading about ‘confronting my fears.’ It was a few days ago. I read some psychotherapy and self-help web pages.

As I started thinking about what my fears are, and thought back on my experiences with psychotherapy in the past, I realized that it’s hard to identify what is a legitimate fear, something you should really stay away from, versus something that is an ‘illegitimate’ fear that you should try to overcome.

All the web pages talked about ‘stupid’ fears – the usual – and I’m sorry if any readers of this blog have any of these fears, because they are very commonplace. I just wasn’t interested in that particular type of fear, and was looking for something else. You know, all the fears were things like, ‘I’m afraid of heights, so I forced myself to go down a waterslide.’

Those aren’t the type of fears that I’m dealing with. I am not incapacitated by a fear of heights or something. I’m not having problems in my life because I have social phobias or I’m terrified to go outdoors or go into crowds of people.

My fears are much more subtle and hard to explain. For example, for many, many, many years I was afraid to not be a libertarian. I’d read Ayn Rand’s books and sincerely enjoyed them; however, some kind of fear prevented me from questioning anything or disagreeing with anything. Gradually I was able to say that I disagreed with some parts of it, or that it was incomplete and my life experiences had helped me ‘fill in’ the parts that were missing, and so on.

After quite a long time, I’ve gone so far as to question the most basic and fundamental beliefs in Objectivism and say that I’m identifying more with Marxism lately (although actually, I don’t spend any time reading Marxist web pages, and I would probably become bored or annoyed if I did). It may also be that I’ve been badly affected by the trolls – probably paid disinformation agents – who have ruined Objectivism and Libertarianism.

I’m having trouble writing because I started my period and I’m starting to hurt. I won’t talk about Objectivism at the moment – basically, I have fears having to do with not being allowed to take money from the government, among other things.

There are some fears that I don’t want to challenge. For example, I want to continue being a teetotaller for the rest of my life – absolutely no alcohol whatsoever, no exceptions. I learned my lesson with coffee and caffeine. It is best to just not even start that. I don’t have to test my ‘fear of loss of self-control’ or something. There are some fears that are just not worth testing, because your life is actually *better* because of those fears, not worse.

However, I was thinking about therapists, and about my beliefs about work and jobs and society. I am now so countercultural (thanks for reminding me about that word, Diana Leafe Christian) that I don’t necessarily believe anymore that a desirable goal of psychotherapy should always be to ‘help this person get a job and fit in to society.’ I don’t necessarily believe anymore that this is a desirable goal.

The therapists themselves have an irrational fear of a ‘primitive lifestyle.’ A therapist is almost universally going to be somebody who is uncomfortable about the idea of stone age subsistence living. If I told a therapist that I didn’t want him to help me force myself to get a job again, but rather, help me force myself to disconnect from the world of working at jobs, earning money, and paying rent (although I always find that I just need to do a few more projects before I give up using money), they would most likely view that entire attitude as a delusional, counter-authority attitude that we should be trying to get rid of.

I can’t go out and look for a ‘primitive therapist’ who will help me adjust during my transition from the modern life to the primitive life. You know, somebody who’s done this whole process before. First you have to do this, then you have to do this. You’re going to experience this, and that. I will introduce you to several people who can train you in the skills you need to do this and that. We’ve got it all planned out for you so that the process will go smoothly. There is no such thing as a ‘primitive transition therapist,’ someone who agrees that this is a worthwhile goal to achieve, someone who is familiar with all the struggles involved in doing it.

So, as I was thinking about confronting my fears, I wondered which fears really were worthy of challenging. Is my fear of getting a job really something that I should challenge, or perhaps, maybe, I ought to *listen* to that fear, because it’s telling me something is wrong with the world? You know, if Hitler took over the country and I had a fear of going to concentration camps, I probably should not try to challenge that fear, but instead, listen to the fear and say, ‘There is something wrong with the world.’ That’s a bad example (it came from ‘the voices’ and so it’s probably some kind of secret ‘joke’ about the Jews again, maybe because Judith Swack gave me therapy years ago).

The idea is, should I really be trying to force myself to perpetuate the status quo? If I am afraid of applying for jobs, if I am afraid of having to talk to some hiring manager and explain how I got sick at my last job due to pesticides and chemical sensitivity and
environmental illness and chronic fatigue, and it’s not gonna happen again unless you, too, spray pesticides over every inch of the store, in which case, yeah, I’m probably gonna lose my job again – is it really a *good* thing to help me confront this fear so that I can function more effectively in a society that I hate?

Here’s another way of looking at it. Suppose I do have a job. This has happened before, so it’s a real example. Suppose I have a job, and one day, I want to call off sick, because I have, I dunno, some kind of cold, which is causing severe fatigue and body pain. I don’t want to get up and move around, I just want to lie in bed and sleep.

However, there have been times when I have, actually, gone to work anyway. Sometimes I got sick after I was already at work, and chose to finish the shift instead of insisting that I absolutely must go home now.

But if I am at work sick, I have to confront some of my fears having to do with appropriate social behavior. When I am sick, and my whole body hurts, then I will do socially inappropriate things, like one time, I just laid down on a bunch of cardboard boxes and curled up with several coats over top of me as a blanket, if I recall correctly. I will also do things like start crying. I just cry, and cry, and cry, while working. It’s inappropriate to be taking orders in drive-thru and taking cash from customers while you’re wiping tears and snot off your face, and your face is all wrinkled up in this agonized expression, and customers are giving you pitying looks and saying they hope you feel better. This is emotionally exhausting. I’ve done this before. I had to confront fears about showing my discomfort publicly. I can usually keep a smiley face on.

Then, even worse, I have to deal with managers who don’t understand how horribly sick I am. They will try to command me to do things anyway, just because I’m there, when all I am fit to do is lie down or stand in one place and try to keep warm, while sobbing and blowing my nose because my entire body is in pain and merely being upright and out of bed is causing me pain.

Because of the electronic torture, I cannot focus my mind to help myself ignore the pain or get through the pain somehow. It might theoretically be possible for someone to relax themselves and live through the pain while they were sick at work; however, when you are being zapped by an electronic weapon every few seconds, your mind cannot muster up enough mental focus to finish a sentence, much less endure your sickness while working. It destroys all of your resources so that there is nothing left. If any other condition causes you to be uncomfortable at all, then the mind control and torture has the greatest effect on you.

If you are feeling well and healthy, then it’s possible to keep on living while being attacked, although you are not functioning at the optimal level that you would have been living at. That has been my approach all these years – to maximize my own health, to whatever degree is under my control, which will make me better able to resist the attacks, which are *not* under my control.

So I have to deal with the fear of saying ‘no’ to a manager. When I was at work laying my head down on the table in the back room because the pesticides (or whatever) were killing me (someone else said that also, at that time, the carbon dioxide was leaking from the soda machine, and it made several other people sick too), I had to just ignore several people who came to the back room and tried to urge me to get up and start working again. That was when I suddenly got up and just walked out the door and left. I knew I wasn’t going to get any better.

If you’re living in a primitive tribe and you get sick one day, you’re not going to ‘get fired.’ You just won’t pick your quota of foraged food for the day, or you won’t go hunting that day. Your family and neighbors will share some food with you if you need it, and when you get better, you’ll go back to doing work again. Or you might even do some kind of work that can be done while sitting in bed, like sharpening some arrow points, sewing your fur coat for the winter, weaving a basket, and so on (I’ve never tried weaving baskets – that might be hard to do in bed, but you get the idea). It is not the end of the world if you are too sick to show up at some particular location at a particular hour of the day and stay there for a particular number of hours.

I have fears of asking for help, due to my bad experiences with therapists and government agents in the past. I’m expecting some irritated bureaucrat, or else a kind and loving person who is, nonetheless, clueless about everything on earth that matters to me, and doesn’t understand what I want, what I believe, why I’m doing this, how I feel, what I’m afraid of and ashamed of, what I think society ought to be like, and so on.

I may have to take a break from writing – I’m attempted to do another ibuprofen-free period again, which might mean that the next few hours I’ll be stuck in ‘natural childbirth’ mode. There are people out there who say – not everyone, but some people – who say that actually, childbirth was *easier* and less painful than a really bad case of menstrual cramps – if done properly, that is. If you are crouching in the natural squatting position, then childbirth is easy and quick.

Oh yeah, I was going to mention, I’ve been thinking about hormones. I would like to try some animal glands. I could try thyroid. Whatever I did try, if I did, I would be extremely conservative and try only a little bit. I was reading about the benefits of using natural real thyroid instead of synthetic thyroid, and they admitted that, even so, some people still have bad reactions to natural thyroid – she said you might need to add adrenals to it as well, if your adrenal gland is completely exhausted – I would have to quit caffeine and let my adrenals recover. So I would be wary that I might have bad reactions. I no longer take for granted that ‘natural is safe,’ not after all my bad experiences with ‘safe, natural herbs.’ I do prefer natural treatments for many reasons, but they are not guaranteed to be safe. Black widow spiders are natural, rattlesnakes are natural, sharks are natural, but that does not make them all safe.

I’ll go ahead and post this, and ignore the typos. More later, probably. Dear Jesse is taking his PT test today.

That doesn’t even sound like I meant it, but whatever

January 13, 2015

I figure most people would be able to tell that I wasn’t even serious, when I even went and put a smiley next to it, but, well, I was ‘hearing voices’ making the joke about how a life without nightshade family foods isn’t worth living, but after I’ve published that I’m hearing voices saying people are scared that I mean it. I think a life without nightshade vegetables would actually be MUCH MORE worth living, if it were actually pain free or with greatly reduced pain.