Archive for April, 2016

It may have been the weather

April 29, 2016

I just went to a forum and several other people mentioned feeling that exact same way at the same time. It wasn’t a coincidence, it was something about the weather. Like chinook winds – everyone feels horrible at the same time. Maybe the storm stirred up all the poisons from the farmers’ fields.

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It’s definitely wearing off. I am feeling normal again. I need blenderized vegetables.

April 29, 2016

I’m still not certain which pill gave me the bad feeling. I know the coq10 gave me the numbing and pins and needles in my feet, and it was starting to make my brain feel weird. The American Ginseng might have given me the mood.

I might still call Mom later today. I’m not really awake yet. I’ll decide later in the afternoon. Last time I asked her about me moving in with them, she didn’t want me to, but she might say yes if I were really desperate. Since the mood is wearing off and I know exactly what caused it (one or both pills), I won’t be desperate when I talk to her.

What I need is to use the blender, thaw out the bags of vegetables in the freezer, and blend them all in the blender, then freeze them again into small portion containers like I did before. I’m not sure what vegetables I have right now, but I have a few. They probably won’t blend when they’re still frozen. I’d rather not have to keep using kale, because I want to avoid goitrogens, but kale is invariably what the grocery store provides. I did also get spinach.

If I had my way, I would eat pigweed, which is either called amaranth or else it’s in the amaranth family, I forget what. One of them is Native American, and the other one, Lamb’s Quarters, is European, but both of them grow wild and are good to eat. Those plant families are different from the typical ‘Big Three’ that I can recall off the top of my head that are always sold everywhere: kale, spinach, and swiss chard.

You can get collard greens ‘fresh’ (sitting at room temperature), but collard greens cannot be eaten raw, if they even can be eaten at all. They take, like, DAYS of cooking. The last time I attempted to eat any home cooked collard greens, after cooking them myself instead of buying them in a can, I remember, I was trying on clothes in a dressing room at a store, and all of a sudden, after having eaten the collard greens which were undercooked, I suddenly almost lost control of my bowels and had to run somewhere to go to the bathroom right away. I don’t remember how I got to a bathroom from there because there wasn’t a bathroom in the dressing room.

Turnip greens are most likely similar to that. They’re going to be very tough and not easy to eat raw. ‘Not easy’ may translate to ‘impossible,’ because I’ve used juicers before and on particular vegetables, if they have too much oxalic acid or something, you can’t even swallow the juice – it won’t go down your throat. You choke it back up or just barely swallow it without gagging. It isn’t because of ‘dislike’ or ‘yuckiness.’ It is a substance in the plants. Nice, healthy, friendly, benign, passive plants want us to eat them!

I feel better after napping some more

April 29, 2016

I was freezing cold, too. I’m just overall sick. I just wanted to make sure no one was worrying about me. I’m staying in bed, keeping warm, and refusing to take any vitamins or herbs.

I’m calling Mom later today

April 29, 2016

I’ll talk to her about the possibility of moving in with them. I hate this town anyway and never wanted to stay – it was supposed to be temporary. This is just too much crap.

Coenzyme Q10 – a nasty poison that made my toes go numb after only two pills

April 29, 2016

Yep. My toes are *definitely* going numb. I took one pill the first day, and one pill yesterday, and now, this morning, my toes are going numb. I’m not going to take coenzyme q10 anymore.

Not only that, but something even worse: suicidal thoughts. Don’t worry – you don’t need to call 911 and have me committed. It is a mild degree of severity, and I caught it in time before it got worse. I *ALWAYS* assume that *ALL* suicidal thoughts are caused by a poison, and I always assume that there are ZERO real-life circumstances that could legitimately make me feel suicidal. There is only one conceivable circumstance that could possibly be a legitimate reason for suicide, and that would be chronic extreme pain which was nonstop and incurable from a severe disease. I have mild chronic pain from chronic fatigue syndrome, but it is nowhere in the range where suicide would be a legitimate thing to do. Again, *I ALWAYS ASSUME* that ALL suicidal thoughts and feelings are poison-induced, and there can be no other possible reason for them but that.

The only other unusual thing I took was American Ginseng. I’ve taken other kinds of ginseng before and did not get suicidal thoughts, but nevertheless, I will stop taking it (I’ve only taken, what, one? so far? I forget), and test it separately from the coq10 to see if the American Ginseng alone causes that feeling to occur. I’ll wait several days. Ginseng does have antidepressant-like effects, so it wouldn’t be too unusual for it to cause a suicidal feeling, because all antidepressants do.

Again, this is not an emergency – merely an observation. I’m going to stop taking both of them.

Real vegetables might have been what made me feel better

April 28, 2016

I forgot, I thawed out the very last container of Black Sludge, which was a dark purplish mixture of raw fruits and vegetables I put in the blender. I made it, then froze it in small portions. I ate some of the last portion yesterday. It is often the real raw vegetables that make me wake up the next morning with that feeling that says, ‘Something got fixed, and it was wrong for so long you forgot that it was wrong.’

Orthogenesis is a perfectly fine model of evolution

April 28, 2016

I actually believe in orthogenesis more than natural selection. I believe that animals get some kind of unexplained, random tendency that comes from within, for no reason, and they start evolving mutations in that area. They are not ‘moving towards’ something deliberately, but rather, having a tendency to get lots of mutations in some particular area for no reason at all. Some particular part of the genome becomes vulnerable to getting lots of mutations.

This is like dogs, who, for some reason, are able to vary greatly in their body sizes and shapes. Dogs have a ‘variability gene’ of some sort. Dogs are not deliberately evolving to become bigger and bigger and move in that direction on purpose for some reason; nor are they evolving to become smaller and smaller all the time and moving in that direction, and it has no connection at all to ‘survival of the fittest’ or dying out or natural selection, but rather, there was some mutation in a gene that allows them to all vary greatly in size.

If it doesn’t kill you instantly, you can keep it. That means, it’s possible to evolve lots of different things that are pointless and serve no purpose at all, but are also nonlethal. This all started because I was reading about the Irish Elk, which has gigantic antlers. The orthogenesis believers said that it evolved more and more in that ‘direction’ of getting bigger and bigger antlers. But actually, I would say that all of the animals in that general group, the animals who graze and have antlers, have some gene which is highly variable and prone to lots of mutations. The gene that codes for antler shape and size is extremely variable, and has a tendency to mutate and vary for no reason, with nothing gained. If it doesn’t cause instant death, then you’re allowed to keep it. The only criteria is that you survive until you give birth.

So, anything can happen. Even if it has no advantage at all, even if it is useless, it is allowed to happen. It has nothing to do with selection. It has nothing to do with survival of the fittest. It has nothing to do with ‘winning’ or ‘being the best’ at anything. It just happens, and it doesn’t kill you, so you pass it on. You can pass on useless things that are actually a pain in the neck, literally, as it seems like those antlers would be really heavy. But you can live long enough to have babies, and that’s all that matters.

It’s like bureaucracy in the government. You can pass on useless procedures that are serving no purpose, and people keep doing them merely because they exist and because it has always been done that way. Those procedures aren’t surviving because they are the ‘fittest’ or the best way of doing things. Those procedures aren’t the most efficient bureaucratic procedures. It’s just easier to keep doing something you already know how to do, and work with what you’re given.

There is some gene that says you’re allowed to make big changes in the shape and size of the antlers, for some reason. You can’t just arbitrarily sprout wings out of your back. You can’t just arbitrarily sprout sharp spines all over your body. But you *can* make bigger antlers, or smaller antlers, or differently shaped antlers. You can do whatever you want with your antlers. Not everything else, just the antlers.

Human hair is a unique feature of humans. I’m not in the mood to talk about long hair and my anti-haircutting rules. Suffice it to say that, for no reason at all, the human head, skull, brain, nervous system, and face were allowed to mutate a lot, even though it served no purpose. The extremely long hair that humans have on their heads is connected to the extreme mutations in the brain and nervous system. Hair and skin arise from the same primordial tissue as the brain and nerves, in the fetus, and whatever changes one changes the other. As the cells in our brains became ‘longer,’ so did our hair. Maybe our brain cells literally are longer. Maybe our brain cells live for the same number of years that our hair cells grow before they fall out and regrow.

We didn’t evolve hair and brains because of ‘natural selection’ or ‘survival of the fittest.’ Our hair never served any purpose at all. It was an accident, and we got used to it, and we just worked around it. It became, inadvertently, a species identifier, the one unique thing that distinguishes us from other apes. In some way, similar to the elk, we have some gene that says, ‘You’re allowed to make really big changes in the realm of the head. Do anything you want with it. You can make something really big, or make something really long, or make something really intricate and folded and ridged and complicated. As long as it doesn’t kill you instantly, you can do it.’

Well anyway.

I took an American ginseng pill this morning, too. I want to see if it gets any different effects than the other one I took, Siberian Root. I have had helpful effects from various kinds of ginseng before, but not always.

I also had mild neuralgia

April 28, 2016

I’m continuing to read about this.

Here are two different perspectives. One person calls this
‘hypochondria’ and says you shouldn’t read anything at all about illnesses, side effects, or diseases, without the supervision of a doctor, because then, you start to become paranoid and you believe you have all these things that you are reading about. Their solution is that you should just be completely ignorant, know nothing, and don’t even try thinking for yourself or researching for yourself.

And then, there is me. I experience a sensation, but maybe I don’t really pay attention to it, or it isn’t very long lasting, or it doesn’t seem too terribly threatening, and I also don’t know the word for it, so I couldn’t really talk about it…. until I read the word ‘neuralgia’ and I was like, ‘Oh yeah, I had that. Sharp, sudden, stabbing pains in various parts of my body after taking coq10.’ And I know because I took a second pill just now, and the stabbing pains began only minutes after taking the pill. They were in my arms and legs. They were mild, and did not last long, but still, they happened.

I can research something like this, and say that I experienced neuralgia, but at the same time, I’m not saying that the neuralgia was incapacitating or life-threatening or intolerable. I’m just saying, it’s a meaningful sign that I experienced, which contains important information. Something is happening.

Some of the websites talking about neuralgia mention ‘post-herpetic.’ I have herpes. And guess what, I think I got it from a vaccine. I was reading about herpes coming from vaccines, and yes, that does happen, and it happens A LOT.

Herpes is also suspected as being involved with chronic fatigue syndrome, but since such huge numbers of people have herpes, it’s hard to tell. It would have to be herpes along with several other factors combined.

The pains in my arms corresponded to the locations where I was vaccinated – perhaps by sheer coincidence, or perhaps because the herpes virus that was injected into my nerves traveled down the nerves into my arms, damaging them in that location the most. It was the outer side of the arms, my left arm in particular. That’s where you get shots.

So, it would be informative to pinpoint the exact location of every neuralgia you experience, and see if there is any particular reason why that nerve, in that location, might be more damaged and painful than other nerves are.

I also think my feet would have problems as a consequence of my hips having problems. My hips really have been bad. I’d like to get them x-rayed to see just how bad they really are. 🙂 Getting lots of x-rays isn’t a good idea, but I’d like to be able to *see*. If I see it, I’ll really believe it, and I’ll know how bad it is.

So for me, when I research symptoms, I’m not becoming ‘paranoid’ or a ‘hypochondriac,’ but rather, I’m finding out the official terminology for something that I experienced and brushed off or didn’t know how to describe. And I *don’t* just unselectively imagine that I experience every single thing I read about. I read all sorts of stuff, and just ignore and skip over anything I didn’t experience myself. I don’t read every single thing and then make a checklist and say, ‘Yep, I experienced that, and that, and also that, oh, and that one too!’ for every single thing I read with no exceptions. I only notice and remember the ones that really happened to me.

Oh yeah, to be fair, I also just drank a shit ton of tea

April 28, 2016

The tea is part of what’s causing this, too. Camellia sinensis tea, some kind of spicy chai tea concentrate in a cardboard box thing, which you mix with milk. I had a craving for it, and actually bought two packages of it. So I am under the influence of camellia sinensis tea too, not just coenzyme q10 all by itself.

I would prefer not to use tea, in spite of any benefits that people have seen from it. There are things I’m doing now that ideally I don’t want to do in the long run.

Lol. Numbness in feet during coenzyme q10 use occurs ONLY in my demographic group, women in their 40s with ADHD and depression

April 28, 2016

Could coenzyme q10 cause numbness in hands or feet? Yes, and only for ME, and MY demographic group, because we’re special:

http://www.ehealthme.com/ds/coq10/numbness+in+hands+or+feet

I googled this. I took one single pill of coenzyme q10 before bed last night. When I woke up, I had a good feeling as though something had been helped, and my brain was able to think more deeply, pursuing deeper nuances of thoughts that were hard to reach, hard to verbalize, hard to chase down, deeper nuances of thoughts that had never been thought before, things that nobody had ever said before, new things.

I took one single pill last night. But, lo and behold, this morning, I am developing sensations of mild pins and needles in my feet, and maybe also a tiny bit in my hands. Ideally I don’t believe in taking vitamins in pill form, but in my current situation, it is the only way I will get any vitamins at all – I’m so incapacitated I can’t cook or shop, I don’t have a job, I can barely afford food, and I’m just too tired to help myself at all.

So I’m experimenting with various herbs and vitamins.

And this page says: 100% of the people who complained about tingling feet were WOMEN. 100% of them were in the 40-50 age range. Lol…. However, they all complained about it after ONE MONTH of taking the pill, whereas I noticed it after taking the very first pill for the first time.

I actually took coq10 years ago a few times, so this isn’t really the first time. I don’t remember why I stopped taking it years ago, or why I was taking it. I don’t remember what I knew about it back then, if I was just using it in a general way without really knowing why, or if I was specifically aiming to fix chronic fatigue. But I only took it a few times, and stopped, and never bought it again. I either felt that it wasn’t helping, or else it might have had unwanted side effects, but I just don’t remember.

Not only that, that page also says this numbness tends to happen to people who have ADHD or depression. Whoops, I’ve kinda got both of those, although I don’t usually describe myself as ‘depressed’ and I tend to avoid using that word at all because it’s so completely meaningless.

It’s not that the tingling in and of itself is unbearable: ‘OH NO! IT’S TINGLING! I CAN’T STAND IT!’ It’s not like that. It’s just that tingling is a bad sign, a sign that something is wrong. If you just ignore the tingling of your nerves, then you can poison them until they’re permanently damaged.

Whatever I do, I will keep the doses low as I test this.

What is this, ‘Deadpool?’

April 27, 2016

Yes… I’ve seen ‘Deadpool.’ Everyone was talking about it. The socionics forum informed me that Deadpool was from the Beta Quadra. Nevertheless, I watched it and enjoyed it, although I didn’t watch it a hundred times in a row. So, in ‘Deadpool,’ the guy gets kind of immortalized by getting an injection that changes all of his cells. So imagine this TAT-ARC thing, which is based on the HIV virus, which infects your immune system, delivering to your immune system and your liver and your whole body some kind of special protein that prevents death. Doesn’t that sound just like Deadpool?

For real, HIV virus is being used as a therapeutic tool to deliver other stuff into the body

April 27, 2016

10:11 PM 4/27/2016

Okay. I just happened to be reading about something random for no reason, and I stumbled across something absolutely *horrifying*. To sum it up quickly, scientists are utilizing the HIV virus as a tool to give to people with liver failure, so that the virus delivers the treatment. I guess this is sort of like genetic engineering.

I was reading about liver failure, because I was reading Dr. Mercola’s article about acetaminophen, which had been connected to Jon Rappoport’s article about autism and vaccines, and some commenter pointed out that autism also had a connection to using acetaminophen to lower the fever that resulted from being vaccinated. So if the vaccine by itself didn’t directly cause the autism – maybe it did, maybe it didn’t – but the combination of getting vaccinated and then poisoning yourself with acetaminophen right on top of that was the trigger.

Meanwhile, I was thinking to myself after reading Mercola’s article that I should use my own ibuprofen again. I had observed many times that my emotions are numbed by ibuprofen, and it affects my social behavior greatly, in addition to stopping the pain of menstrual cramps, and that’s what his article was about, except with
acetaminophen. I suddenly thought that actually, I could use this right now, and I already have ibuprofen which I use as rarely as possible, only a couple pills every month, for a few hours during which I am cramping on my period.

I could use the ibuprofen to help me apply for jobs. It would numb my emotions and make me not care about anything. Since I don’t drink alcohol, I can’t use alcohol for that purpose, and I refuse to start drinking alcohol now, when I already have enough problems as it is.

Anyway. So I googled something about recovering from liver failure, because I just have this hunch, this suspicion, that it’s actually possible to recover from liver failure by yourself, to a much greater extent than mainstream medicine currently assumes, although I could be wrong. I’ve never had liver failure and I hope I never do. It was just a hunch.

So I started reading this article:
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/08/120803111145.htm , “New approach to treat acute liver failure.”

The ‘new approach’ consists of taking the HIV virus, and renaming it ‘TAT’ so that nobody recognizes what it is. Lol, how clever! Oh, but I forgot, it’s a ‘noninfectious fragment’ of the virus! I guess I was mistaken to be so paranoid about it! I mean, after all, couldn’t they have chosen some *other* virus to use as a tool for this, but no, it *had* to be HIV, for some reason! Maybe because HIV is PATENTED.

So anyway. “For their treatment approach the two researchers utilized the recently discovered protein ARC (apoptosis repressor with caspase recruitment domain), which serves as the body’s own survival switch. ARC is expressed in heart and skeletal muscle and in the brain, but not in the liver. In 2006 Dr. Donath showed that apoptosis is the cause for the death of myocardial cells during heart failure, but that ARC stopped the myocardial cells from being destroyed.”

So then they just hook this little ARC thing onto an HIV virus, which is no longer called HIV, so it doesn’t sound scary, and now it’s called “TAT-ARC.”

This sounds even more exciting: “And when the massive damage is over, the liver is quite capable of regenerating itself. In addition, ARC reaches other organs via the bloodstream, not only the liver. “Moreover,” he pointed out, “since TAT-ARC only has to be administered for a short time, a cancer risk can be largely excluded.””

Wow! A cancer risk if you use it a long time. It goes everywhere in the body infecting the bloodstream and all the organs, not just the liver. And you really don’t need this anyway, because the liver is perfectly capable of regenerating itself if only you stop poisoning it with whatever substance caused it to fail in the first place!

“Dr. Donath and the MDC have patented the fusion protein TAT-ARC for the indication of acute liver failure. The research project was funded by the MDC Pre-Go-Bio project, an internal project fund of the MDC that supports the transfer of diagnostic or therapeutic procedures obtained in basic research into clinical applications.”

I’m not blaming Dr. Donath or saying he’s an evil guy or anything. I just happened to stumble across this particular article, but in reality, surely this type of thing is going on all the time, everywhere, in thousands of other laboratories, at thousands of other companies. All the scientists must believe that it’s perfectly normal and fine to tinker with the HIV virus and use it as a tool to deliver special treatments to panicky people on the brink of death who will say ‘yes’ to anything at all without ever taking a couple minutes to research what it is or even ask anybody any questions at all. I don’t think this particular scientist is an isolated case – most likely, all the scientists are doing this.

Oh well, that was my freakout of the day. Moving on to other things now.

Zombie Sharknado is on the way towards Pennsylvania

April 27, 2016

Also, I cannot get fat

April 26, 2016

That’s the other thing that I find slightly disturbing about my body. I cannot get fat now no matter how hard I try. Even when I drink two-liters of Coke every day for several days, I cannot get the slightest bit fat at all. I had a few minor changes when I took St. John’s Wort. SJW usually causes me to get somewhat fat, and also to go bald. I’m having baldness problems right now and I suspect it’s the ginseng that’s doing it. I’m losing a lot of hair at once (telogen effluvium: all the hair that’s just sitting there dormant will disconnect at once), and the scalp looks shiny, reflecting light when I look in the mirror. The shiny scalp phenomenon always corresponds to losing a bunch of hair, and it’s not merely because the hair is no longer there to block the light – I believe it’s a change in the skin somehow due to the drug.

It’s just that I want, and need, to be slightly heavier to increase my chances of survival and to prevent osteoporosis. Very skinny women get osteoporosis most easily. My hormones won’t work properly if I don’t have enough fat on my body. Adipose tissue is a necessary hormone-producing tissue. Fatter women survive longer than skinny women. Being too skinny is associated with risk of death from all causes at an earlier age. Using any caffeine at all profoundly reduces my appetite and prevents me from demanding as much food as I need. The only way I can gain any weight at all is if I eat as many meals as possible every single day, and I must never, ever use any caffeine as a food substitute. I don’t do it deliberately. The caffeine just makes me not want to eat. When I quit caffeine, I suddenly become intensely, desperately hungry and I finally start to eat again like crazy, as my body realizes that I’ve gone weeks, months, or years without eating enough due to the caffeine.

I haven’t been able to get fat no matter what I do. It amazes me when I’ve gone several days drinking tons, and tons, and tons, of Coke, but didn’t get fat at all. In the past I always saw a very strong correlation between drinking Coke and rapidly getting fat. Maybe, they secretly discovered and removed the obesogenic chemical, which might have been a substance leaching from the plastic bottle, and switched it to some other non-obesogenic plasticizer, or whatever.

Maybe it’s also because I’m not eating at McDonald’s anymore, which means I no longer eat animal growth hormones and antibiotics every day, and whatever that muscle increasing chemical is that begins with an R.

I don’t know. It just disturbs me that I absolutely cannot gain weight at all no matter how much junk food I eat. I suppose I could try buying non-organic milk again. But even the last few times I was drinking non-organic milk, I still didn’t notice a huge weight gain.

Perhaps, all this time, it has only been nothing but antidepressant residues from various sources that have ever made me fat.

It goes against most people’s beliefs, but, it really, really is very hard to get fat deliberately if you are not fat!

Contaminated bath towel maybe. Cooked some delicious lamb bone broth. And also, something which isn’t an announcement.

April 25, 2016

I think the bath towel I was using was becoming contaminated. I switched to a different towel and used it after a shower, and now my fatigue is less. Here’s what happens: I frequently sit in the bath and just soak, but when I do that, any residues that are in the tub get all over me. I’m getting out of the tub and drying off with residues all over my body.

The pesticides are coming from McDonald’s continuously because Eric is still working there. He comes home and takes a shower. The pesticides get all over him, just as they got all over me, because they are a vapor in the air and they stick to the sweat and oil on the skin. They are also being inhaled into the lungs constantly, and might also be getting excreted as wastes through the skin too. The result is that they are all over you when you wash off and are always sticking to the bottom of the shower. I have to scrub the shower frequently.

I bought coffee. I’m still getting no progress of any kind whatsoever in any direction at all, whether it be towards filling out even one single job application, or getting a bookkeeping job, learning or studying anything, or even using the sewing machine. I can’t use the sewing machine when I am anxious. I am preoccupied with getting a job, and my fatigue is severe.

I haven’t had fatigue this horrible in *ages*. It’s usually mild to moderate, and manageable, and I can still function. Ever since the pesticide, I have had *incapacitating* fatigue, as in, sleep the entire day, stay in bed the entire day, so much pain I can barely even drag myself out of bed to go to the bathroom, and on some days can’t even shower, but I absolutely have to shower if I want to remove the pesticides that are on my body.

Today, I cooked these organic lamb… thingamabobs… in boiling water. Lamb shanks or something. Some part of the leg, with the bone included. The bone was sliced open, exposing the marrow. I did have horrible reactions when I tried to eat marrow in the past. I have a theory that actually it’s not the marrow that’s the problem, but the tiny bone fragments that are in it as an artifact of having been sliced open by a saw. If the bone was just cracked open with a rock or something, there wouldn’t be bone dust in it.

You are designed to vomit when you swallow bone fragments because bone fragments can kill you, is my theory. Bone fragments can cut into your intestines and cause an infection. I think your stomach detects the calcium or something, the very large amounts of calcium, but honestly I don’t know the exact real reason why you vomit when you eat marrow – I can only speculate. It wouldn’t explain why you also vomit if you try to eat tendons, which are soft and won’t stab you in the intestines. I don’t know the reasons. I can only observe that it happens.

I nibbled on a tiny bit of the marrow, but then spit most of it back out. I felt a sensation but it wasn’t really bad. I still want to try eating some of it.

I boiled these organic lamb shanks in a pot of water. That was the easiest way to cook them. Also, I don’t like to *grill* things, because all the fat drips off them! Why in the world would anybody want to throw away all that fat? Why do we fatten up all our meats with corn, in a feedlot, and then complain that they have too much fat in them afterwards and we dump off all the grease and throw it in the garbage? People are morons.

You shouldn’t ever fatten them up with corn in a feedlot, and then, after having grass fed them all their lives, you should cherish and salvage every drop of fat that comes out of any part of the body and save it and use it later even if you aren’t going to eat it that moment.

So, I boiled them in a pot, which made sure that none of the fat slipped away to burn up on a grill or on the bottom of a hot pan. Then I drank several ladles full of hot greasy lamb bone broth. I did *not* add vinegar in an attempt to dissolve the bones. I have tried making bone broth in the past and I added vinegar, but that makes it taste bad to me, and also, it is too acidic for my teeth. It’s not necessary to use vinegar to try to dissolve the bone minerals. If you really want the minerals that badly you could smash the bones to smithereens and then filter them through a cloth afterwards. I do want to try doing that exact thing, but I have nothing to filter them with right now.

This broth was really, really good. It had no flavor at all, no salt, no vinegar, no spices, just nothing but water and lamb. It had the fat floating on the top. I don’t know if this was grassfed, but at the very least, it was organic. It didn’t say if it was grassfed so it probably wasn’t.

The lamb meat itself actually wasn’t that bad. I was expecting it to be tough and chewy, but it turned out to be tender.

Still, I haven’t forgotten that I am opposed to the eating of muscle meat as the one and only goal of meat eating. Muscle meat should be viewed as an unwanted waste product that you are obligated to eat out of respect for the animal, to avoid wasting anything. You eat muscle meat because it is your duty to do so. *Organ* meats are the *real* goal of eating an animal. Muscle meat is the leftover garbage that you eat with reluctance, rather than being the sought-after goal.

That’s why it’s SO INSANELY RIDICULOUS what they do, if this was in fact real. I was recently reading about a vegan activist, in one of my online forums, and I looked at her page, and she had a picture of a particular breed of cow that had huge, disgusting, bulging, gigantic muscles all over its body, which had been created deliberately by breeding, because stupid morons believe that MUSCLE MEAT IS DESIRABLE. Muscle meat is the garbage! If you’re going to breed a cow to have an abnormally large anything, why not breed them to have gigantic brains, gigantic livers, and gigantic kidneys, and gigantic thymus glands, and stuff like that? Those are the real treasures. People… are… fucking…. idiots.

I still feel kind of grouchy and hungry and thirsty. Even though I ate this broth and a couple other things, I didn’t really eat enough the last couple days.

It’s so frustrating being unable to make any progress at all.

***********
I don’t believe things until they actually happen. This is not an official announcement. I repeat, this is NOT an official
announcement. I will remain skeptical until all of it is completely done and I’m holding the papers in my hand.

There is a *possibility* that I am going to be marrying Jesse sometime. I do not know if it is going to happen right away or if all the technicalities will get worked out. I know that he says he’s coming home for his visit in July, and I don’t know if we will start the process then and make the attempt. I know that I don’t have a penny to my name, and I get the impression that he doesn’t have a lot of money either, so if we really do get married, it will probably have to be just a marriage on paper.

There are tax benefits to being married, and benefits from being married while you are in the military. So, I would be doing this for financial reasons. I would also be doing it in the hopes that we would attempt to have children.

I’m 41 and my body has changed just recently. I suddenly noticed changes in the texture of my skin, only in the past few months. I’m also having some problems with my hips. I can tell that my body is going through irreversible changes that I cannot completely stop from happening. I can only hope to slow them down, and maybe *slightly* reverse them but not completely –

The reason why I actually believe it’s possible to even slightly reverse aging is because, a year or two ago, I noticed that the scowl line between my eyebrows had become permanent. There’s a vertical line in the skin between my eyebrows. But lately, I noticed that this seems to have gone away, and the skin is smoother there again. Meanwhile, I had skin texture changes elsewhere, like on my hands (the part of my body most often exposed to very toxic chemicals, as my poor hands have been soaked for hundreds of hours in restaurant sinks filled with the most vile and horrible poisons known to man, detergent and sanitizer). But then some of the problems I was having improved as it became springtime, most likely because I was getting more vitamin D. I seemed to be getting hurt very easily from small bumps and bruises, but this is no longer happening – it was only this winter. That seemed to be nutritional.

So, some of my problems are partially fixable with nutrition, and I assure you, I am *NOT* eating healthy anywhere near as much as I want to, especially now that I have no money, and especially because I’m still covered in pesticide and am so incapacitated with fatigue that I can’t even dream of quitting caffeine.

Anyway… All of these years, all that I wanted, while I was being attacked and sabotaged and tortured and murdered, while my whole life was being destroyed in every way, was to have children and settle down in my life, and grow, and learn, and improve my life. It was all that I wanted. I had absolutely no intention of going a whole lifetime without children. And I do not merely want to adopt, although I wouldn’t mind adopting. I want to actually *give birth* to the children, so that I can choose such things as: eating a healthy diet so as to prevent deformities; refraining from vaccinating; giving birth at home; etc, etc, etc.

Again, it’s not an official announcement. I don’t like to announce things when I am not sure whether they are really happening or not. But, nevertheless, Jesse and I have been talking about marriage in a serious way and I am in the process of researching how to do it, how to do the paperwork in particular so that it is legal, so that we can both get the financial and tax benefits of doing it.

Feeling a bit better. About to go to the store.

April 25, 2016

I’m just waiting a little while before I go get on the bus. I’m going to buy coffee again. I truly, truly do not want it (other than *craving* it), that is, ideally I don’t want to be using any caffeine at all. But I am stuck so, so badly in this situation and I believe there is a constant, ongoing pesticide contamination entering this home. I need my own house. I cannot even get out of bed, at all, without caffeine, unless I can decontaminate this house. I need to have control over the sources of the pollution.

I’m also keeping an eye out to see if I get hantavirus from the mouse. Jacob caught a mouse indoors, and he walked into my bedroom carrying it in his mouth. I got up from the bed, and he turned and walked back out the bedroom door. Then he put it down on the floor next to the bathroom and it ran behind the laundry baskets. I caught it between the baskets and the wall.

I was going to take a picture of myself holding the mouse, but it leaped out of my hand when I was fumbling to get the camera ready. I had been going to put it outside afterwards. It went somewhere in my room. I have so much junk everywhere that cannot possibly be moved, and it hid under all that stuff. A couple nights later, I heard it moving around in the middle of the night, but haven’t heard it since then. I don’t know where it went.

There’s a two week incubation period for this hantavirus. I already had one or two mild funny sensations in my chest. It does something to your lungs. I believe the vast majority of people get hantavirus and never even know that they have it. These statistics are unreported and so it’s not possible to know how many people get hantavirus, how badly they are sickened by it, and how many die from it. It only gets attention if several people die from it in a short period of time. And then, they don’t necessarily figure out that it’s hantavirus coming from the mice. It’s just an unexplained mystery illness, like so many other things.

I guess I should get ready to go to the bus now. I don’t want to be too early though and have to wait around.

I’m changing direction. I should pour all of my energy into simply finishing the job application for the plant nursery next door to me, and postpone the attempt to get a bookkeeping job. I am sick of postponing this forever and settling for jobs that aren’t what I want, and the reason I do it is because I am always in a hurry, I have no time, there are too many obstacles and the whole world is against me – this evil world does not care about me and does not want me to succeed. My people need a special kind of support which does not exist out there in the world. I have to get money quickly and that means applying for jobs I know I can get but which aren’t what I want. I hate this. It is endless.

Knowing socionics helps with story writing, and that was what I wanted it for. It’s inconceivable to imagine how other people think and why they do what they do, but if you know socionics, you have a secret key that helps you see things the way that other people see them. It helps you create realistic characters that aren’t flat, characters who are very different from yourself the author, characters who are sympathetic, people the readers can like and relate to. This is one of the most useful things socionics is able to do.

I still find it painfully difficult to try to create characters who aren’t flat and who are different from myself.

In a world of helplessness and powerlessness, we dream of haven, a vision of peace and prosperity and fulfillment.

I’m not using St. John’s Wort at the moment, although some residue must be on my clothes. I’ve been intermittently using this Siberian Root ginseng.

I should get dressed.

very sick, couldn’t get out of bed much today; thought about doing a mass mailing through the post office

April 24, 2016

9:05 PM 4/24/2016

I was in a hurry to eat because I was really hungry and had nothing ready yesterday. So I made this oatmeal. I barely cooked it at all before I ate it. It has to be cooked a long time. It gave me intestinal pain, and I also have grain poisoning from the
anti-nutrients. It made my intestines feel really, really sucked in and empty and painful. That sucked-in feeling is something I recognize from eating improperly cooked grains in the past. It’s like an astringent that tightens all the tissues so it shrinks. That’s what it feels like. This also usually causes severe fatigue.

I used a lot of vivarin today, but it isn’t working very well. I think I will go back to using regular coffee, even though I really, really, really don’t want to! I swear I still have pesticide contamination which is probably coming home on Eric and getting into the shower. That’s my theory. I often sit in the bathtub, but then, I’ll get worse fatigue afterwards, unless I spray and scrub the bath every few days or daily.

I was able to wash the urine-smelling blanket today though. Now I need to wash the rest of my laundry. But I could not do it today in spite of several vivarins.

It’s so frustrating: when pesticide is involved, NOTHING HELPS. No drug, no herb, helps. Quitting all the drugs and herbs doesn’t help. Sleep doesn’t help. Nothing, nothing but decontamination will help.

I need to make more progress on filling out a job application. It’s going to be a huge pain in the ass to get a bookkeeping job right now. I can do it but it will take a lot of time and I need a job sooner. This always happens. I always have to get a job just to earn some income right away, and after doing that, I become unable to continue searching for a better job, and just settle into a job I don’t really want.

However, I don’t want to work for the temp agency again. I don’t want the kinds of jobs they offer. I’d rather just try to get a job myself.

I had this ‘Eureka!’ idea today, literally while sitting in the bathtub. I realized, I could use postal mail to start a business, an intentional community, or do some other project, or at the very least, do a public education project. Something.

The purpose is to find people who are local, who will all be able to see each other in person. If you use the internet you get people from all over the planet who can never meet each other. You have to do things locally if you want people to really help each other.

Mailing locally means you can send it to all the houses in the area and not just get people talking to you from over in Asia or something. You can get real support from real people who are nearby, for whatever project you are doing.

It costs a lot to do a physical, postal mailing, but it’s not *too* horribly expensive. It would get more local people than an internet ad would do.

I hadn’t intended to sleep this whole afternoon

April 23, 2016

5:34 PM 4/23/2016

I’m taking vivarin, but today I also took one of the Siberian Root pills, which I am not taking regularly, only intermittently, to see if they help at all. I suspect that’s why I fell asleep. I took a nap this afternoon right at the time when I was hoping to start getting up and doing things.

I am not drinking Coke every day. I just used up the last of it from my previous batch. What I’ve done is, when I have a very specific task to accomplish, I’ve gone out and bought two liters of Coke, and then drunk it while doing the task. The tasks were my taxes, in the last few weeks. I didn’t actually get the local ones done, but I got the federal and state ones done.

It’s very frustrating: I want to be able to focus enough to do these goal-oriented tasks, but I just can’t. I can’t make myself care. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s that my fatigue is severe and I cannot decontaminate, nor can I really control how things are done in this house. I want to live in a house where I control everything, where things go, how contamination is prevented, all that.

I’ve been trying to focus on bookkeeping. I want to get an entry level bookkeeping job, but I need to take some kind of test or certification. There is this thing called the ‘national bookkeeping association’ or something like that, if you google ‘bookkeeping certification,’ but, I don’t trust them. Years ago, I had a perfectly clean, fresh email address that never received any spam at all. I signed up to receive some newsletters and information from that bookkeeping site, and boom, spam for the rest of eternity. It wasn’t bookkeeping spam. I was able to eventually unsubscribe to those. I had been sold out to every single other spammer on the entire planet.

So, do you think I’ll trust them if I am going to send them some money and receive a package with testing materials in it? Do you think they actually have any real authority? Are they actually a respected group of people who actually exist? I don’t think so.

I’m trying to find a bookkeeping test that’s actually legit.

I got good results when I went to PICCC – they could help me get a bookkeeping job.

April 21, 2016

Years and years ago, I forget how I got the recommendation to go there, but I went to the Private Industry Council of Centre County, PICCC, which I jokingly pronounced Pick-ick-ick. I remember they trained me to use the Microsoft Office programs on the computers. I also remember they helped me write a resume. This was when I had never done any of this before. I had never worked for the temp agency before. I had never worked on computers at a job before.

I think I remember going back and finding that it had changed, that they weren’t doing things the way they used to, that they weren’t helpful the second time I went there, but I don’t remember why. I also might be remembering the second time I went back to Manpower and found out that their computer training program sucked a lot more than it did the first time. They had changed their computer training program from something that actually trained you, to one of those garbage demonstration things with flashy stock photos of symbolic images like skyscrapers and people shaking hands while you passively listen to somebody droning on about something, without actually practicing any skills or doing anything – it was *that* sort of ‘training program.’

I’m not remembering any of this very well. I try to avoid using any of these places at all because they are hard to use and are never really geared towards *my* personality type. That’s all I remember, unpleasant feelings that these were not for *my* type of people, they were made for someone else’s type, and you had to be extremely goal-oriented path-following sheeple who believed that the world was a safe, happy place, where job slavery is a good, nice, wonderful thing that is beneficial to all of society and *of course* ‘getting a better job’ is your duty as a human being, and you must always strive to *get a better job* because they totally accept that the world, as it is, is a good and just world and everything is the way it’s supposed to be and nothing should be any different. The duty and necessity and rightness of getting a job, the total blindness to any wrongness of the job system or the money system or society in general or the economic system – that is the attitude that I remember.

None of them ever express the slightest attitude of ‘It’s evil and wrong to enslave people with jobs and money and land ownership and extremely expensive food that they can’t get by themselves because we’ve destroyed every living thing for hundreds of miles so there are no wildlife and no edible plants anywhere, therefore you have to get a job to earn money so you can buy food from thousands of miles away and you have to climb higher and higher up the ladder to make more and more and more money so that you can have at least five seconds of peace and quiet and relaxation once a year because you’re able to save up enough of a surplus to sometimes go on vacation for a couple days without going bankrupt and having no money to pay the rent.’ Nope, all that stuff is just fine and dandy and okay, and that’s how life is meant to be!

To me, ‘getting a job’ is a necessary evil, but it is indeed evil. It is not something to be happy about or to take for granted as normal and necessary. It is not the way things should be, and it is not the only way that they can be.

And so, I would want to deal with people whose attitude was, ‘Here. We’re going to help you reduce your suffering in this evil world of horror and slavery and misery. You can slightly reduce your suffering if you make a little bit more money without having to run around destroying your body doing hard labor, but in the long run, we want to live in a world where job slavery is not necessary.’ THAT attitude would make me feel like I was understood.

I want to be able to express the wrongness of this evil, and have them listen and understand and not think that I’m some crazy nutcase terrorist. I want to express how wrong it is that I cannot walk outside my door and hunt a deer or pick berries and gather up enough of a surplus to get through the winter – I can’t, because all the animals are dead and gone, and every plant planted on these mowed lawns is deliberately inedible and useless, and I’m not allowed to own property unless I agree to enslave every waking and sleeping hour to my job.

I want to be understood. I don’t just want help making myself a better slave. I want someone to help me, while simultaneously agreeing with me that such help shouldn’t be necessary, and we’re doing this as a temporary, reluctant thing just to ease our suffering, while hoping for better alternatives, or actively moving towards and building better alternatives to this system, this evil system of lifelong utter slavery.

Pick-ick-ick. Could I get them to help me take some kind of bookkeeping test? They give recommendations and references or whatever to the person you’re applying to, when you apply for a job. They’ll say, ‘Yes, we tested this slave, and this slave is capable of performing the slavery that you require. This slave is a compliant and obedient slave!’

I just *hate* the atmosphere in any kind of job-helping office. Be a better slave! It’s good for you! It’s your duty to society! Make more money! More, more, more! Better, better, better! You don’t exist merely to wander around in the woods quietly picking berries, breathing the sweet fresh air from the leafy soil and mosses after a rain, enjoying the company of your children, playing music and dancing, singing, telling stories, building things, making clothing, looking at the sky, eating food you gathered yourself – NO! You exist to MAKE MORE MONEY, MORE MONEY, MORE MONEY!!!!

What a failure you are to have kept working at McDonald’s as a cook all these years! You should have striven to BETTER YOURSELF! Because cooking is bad! Cooking is inferior! Only a worthless person would actually enjoy cooking and enjoy the company of particular coworkers and want to continue doing that for a long time! That’s failing to climb the ladder!

We’re not meant to climb the ladder all the time! We’re meant to be here so that we can be happy and enjoy our lives and have plenty of free time. We’re here to be healthy. We’re here to feel good. We can’t feel healthy and good when we work so many hours that we can’t prepare our own food at home, can’t walk around in the woods, can’t be with our family, can’t have any children, can’t sleep long enough because we must be awake and at work by EIGHT O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING LIKE CLOCKWORK EVERY SINGLE DAY NO EXCEPTIONS 8AM 8AM 8AM! Why eight o’clock? Why must everything happen at eight o’clock in the morning? I only start waking up around maybe 2 in the afternoon, because I’m forced awake all night long, and the morning is very, very cold, and there isn’t enough sun. The morning is so cold. I have to stay wrapped in the blankets all day until it’s finally warm in the afternoon, and then, I gradually start to feel kind of human.

I’d move down south, but I can’t even save a couple hundred bucks. Which, by the way, I now have to use most of my tax refund to quickly pay off my credit card bill, because I had to use my credit card to buy food and stuff.

PICCC… I’m reluctant, but I could go there. I could make an appointment. I could tell them what I wanted and ask them if they could help me with it. It’s extremely unpleasant. It twists my stomach into knots merely to think of it. It is utterly repulsive, the vilest evil on earth – to be a happy slave, to be a better slave, to be a more productive slave, to slave, to slave, to slave, forever.

People without chronic fatigue syndrome might not understand why this is such a huge issue to me. People with normal bodies don’t find it quite as horribly painful and impossible to slave, and slave, and slave, and then come home, and have fun, and go out drinking with your friends that night, and then go on a hike in the mountains, and then, on the weekend, go out to some kind of music and concerts and stuff, and go home after that and do some hobbies and learn stuff, and just have constant, nonstop activity in all directions, doing work and then doing fun stuff, then more work, more fun, more exercise, more chores, doing it all, everything, nonstop, and never getting tired. And if you get the slightest bit tired, you can go to the doctor and get a prescription for antidepressants and Ritalin, because no harm can possibly come to your body, ever, and your metabolic system is capable of handling any toxic load of poisons without faltering and without any side effects! That’s how most people live their lives. Happy, drugged slaves who run around just doing nonstop activity 24 hours a day, working, working, working, money, money, money, fun, fun, fun, socializing, socializing, socializing, children, children, children, family, family, family. Everything, everything, everything. YOU CAN DO IT ALL. YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL. YOU CAN BE A HAPPY SLAVE AND A MILLIONAIRE AND A GOOD MOM AT THE SAME TIME. YOU ARE A HAPPY SLAVE!!!!!!

That is the world that I must walk into, when I walk into that room and ask them for help.

We’re printing new money, and, ironically, it’s all about anti-slavery and women’s rights

April 21, 2016

The title pretty much sums up all that I have to say. I’ve been seeing some news articles saying that we’re getting new dollar bills. I haven’t actually seen them yet, but apparently, they have all these historical figures on them who are either anti-slavery, or women who did something great and/or were anti-slavery or pro-women’s-rights.

The irony of putting anti-slavery themes on MONEY, PAPER MONEY – No, I just won’t even go there. I can’t even go there. It’s just TOO OBVIOUS. The entire paper money system is a gigantic, enormous, global slavery system.

Also, I’ve been reading about gold-plated tungsten bars, and gold-plated tungsten coins, being made proudly in the light of day by a company in China, not just one company but several companies, that sell over the internet and openly advertise what they are producing.

So I watched a couple youtube videos showing the ‘ring test’ or ‘ping test’ or whatever it’s called. Real gold, and real silver, will have a clear, long-lasting ring if you strike it, although they did say that something might be affected by the softness of pure gold if it has no copper in it at all – I forget exactly what they said but I seem to remember it wouldn’t ring as well if it was too soft. Gold coins usually have some copper in them, but not always – there are plenty of bullion rounds that are 99.999999999999% whatever it is.

I have heard the ring of silver. I have clinked the coins in my hands and listened to the pleasant sounds as they hit each other. It’s a musical sound different from the ring of other metals. Silver bells, for music, would also have a special ring different from other metals.

If you hit a coin made of tungsten, it makes hardly any noise at all. It just goes ‘clack’ and then silence. Or ‘thud.’ I haven’t heard it up close, since I don’t own any coins at all right now, not even fake ones, although I own a pile of copper pennies in a tin can.

So, there was a rumor that people couldn’t make gold-plated tungsten coins and there was no need to worry about them (as someone on a web page pointed out, and yeah, I vaguely remember people expressing the attitude that it was difficult or impossible to make tungsten coins), but a factory in China is doing it routinely on a huge scale, so, it’s totally possible and it’s already being done. So, watch out for those. Listen for the ring. It ‘rings true.’

I probably will never actually see most of these new bills myself unless I look at photos of them on the internet.

Gold in permanent backwardation… still trying to piece together what this means. I can’t understand the opportunity they are taking, but I feel that there is one there. If someone else explained it to me, step by step, I would understand. There is an arbitrage opportunity.

I have 100 ozt of gold now (should I use ‘ozt’ for ounce troy? I don’t know when to use ounce troy). I’m gonna sell it to you for, um, $200,000. A month from now, you’re gonna sell it back to me for only $180,000. I just made $20,000 in a month! Doing nothing!

According to what everyone says, if people are doing this, the situation should quickly resolve itself and stop happening. Everyone would do it. And, ummmm, for some reason, that would make it stop happening. I don’t know why. But it hasn’t stopped happening.

Actually, it seems to me that that would cause gold to start circulating.

Oh, but wait, from the viewpoint of the loser, why would you do that? Why would you buy gold for $200,000, and then sell it a month later, losing $20,000 in one month? Why would you want to lose $20,000 in a month?

And, this is all happening electronically. Nobody is physically delivering gold from one place to another. Supposedly, some kind of group is making a company that will trade physical gold and also physically move it from one place to another every time it’s traded, instead of doing it electronically. I forget which group it was. I looked up some of their names but couldn’t remember. There was something called ‘ICE,’ which is some huge precious metals exchange or something, but I don’t think that was it. I’m not sure.

What can you do with gold, in one month, that will make revenues greater than the $20,000 you’re losing? I guess you could turn it all into gold-plated tungsten bars. Selling gold-plated tungsten bars back to the person who sold it to you, for $180,000, is still worth more than the tungsten bars themselves, which are a much smaller fraction of the worth of gold.

I dunno. I’m not on enough drugs to fathom it. I’m deliberately not using St. John’s Wort. But, regretfully, I bought caffeine pills yesterday. I’m going to need them to get through this job hunt.

I need spiritual help from someone of substance. I looked up Joel Osteen because the socionists say he’s my dual, IEE / ENFP. He is. I can tell. But he’s also speaking empty platitudes that are of no use to me. The only thing I can get from him is his reassuring, soothing presence, and not much else. I also looked up his father, John Osteen or whatever (I forget), and he *might* be an unhappy version of the same type, but I’m not sure.

But he, too, is of no use to me, because he’s preoccupied with ‘Your soul might go to hell.’ I really do not give a flying fuck if my soul goes to hell – dang it, the dog is barking outside – (okay, I had to go check on Jacob – he was out and I let him in). Anyway, it’s not all about whether my soul might go to hell or not.

This is where the Gabin criticizes the superego, the weak functions, of the Huxley. The Huxley’s SLE superego is weak, so it just accepts the norms of the world that is given to it, and if somebody says that heaven and hell and God really exist, if they say that’s reality, then the Huxley believes it is and isn’t able to easily question it. The superego isn’t strong enough to do all the things that the ‘whole person’ version of the superego (the real SLE type) is able to do. It can only do a dumbed-down, two-dimensional version of those things.

Okay, I *do* give a flying fuck if my soul goes to hell, if there really were a hell, but I don’t look at things in terms of heaven and hell and what happens at the moment when you die. It’s not all about the moment when you die. It’s about all the moments when you are alive that matter to me. And I see no reason to believe that heaven and hell are what the Christians tell us they are. It’s just a non-issue to me and I don’t even feel like wasting time arguing about it with imaginary strawmen.

Anyway, so Joel Osteen, even though he is my dual, won’t be much use to me for spiritual inspiration and practical help.

I don’t want this to happen, but if I don’t get money and a job, I will have to test the tolerance of this house’s owner, and I don’t want to ruin our relationship. I don’t want to be telling him, ‘I can’t pay the rent.’ It gives me great anxiety to take advantage of someone’s kindness.

Paper money equals anti-slavery. Paper money equals women’s rights. Paper money – it *did* exist before Abraham Lincoln, however, it turns out that he was responsible for paper money becoming a bigger thing that the government was officially doing, and the socionists typed him…. IEE… Huxley, my dual. He was originally typed EII by many people, but they all seem to agree he is a Delta NF.

I’ve been grappling with the concept that people in my own quadra are capable of doing things that are stupid and evil, on a grand scale. How can it be that I am the same type as someone, but I know things they don’t know? I’m struggling with that concept. Socionics kind of pushes you to believe that other quadras and other types are the enemy, and those are the people who are doing evil. It’s not explicitly taught anywhere in socionics, not really, but once you find out that socionic types exist, you remember every time you had an argument with somebody in the opposite quadra who was a pro-government troll or something. Someone who insisted that vaccines never, ever cause autism. You start to think those are where the evil people come from. Then, oddly enough, you see pro-vaccinators in your own quadra, too, and you see examples of your socionic conflictor, the EIE, being anti-vaccine, or complaining about the harmful nutritional advice we’ve been given for years, and you realize that you can’t just pin down evil on one socionic type.

So I’ve been trying to understand the roots of evil within my own quadra and my own type. How could someone like myself believe in something evil, and do something evil? The answer is usually ignorance and lack of experience. They have a certain worldview because they never experienced suffering, never experienced failure, never experienced prolonged unavoidable powerlessness. They sincerely believe that anything is possible if you only just try harder, if you only just have a good attitude. They sincerely believe that the world is a safe, trustworthy place where you will never be harmed and you can do anything you want. They don’t know about Weston Price deformities. They don’t know about chronic illnesses from vaccines. They don’t know about chronic malnutrition due to the total absence of grassfed organ meats in our diets. They don’t know about anything that matters to me.

I’m drinking Coke this morning and haven’t eaten breakfast. I should post this and decide what I will try to do today, towards getting a job.