Archive for January, 2012

I worked on the tent, and it is almost usable now.

January 31, 2012

1:35 PM 1/31/2012

Today it was very warm outside. I went out and worked on my tent again. I took down the two practice tents that I originally tried to build, and I rebuilt them, merging them together into one big thing which isn’t shaped like a ‘tent’ at all. The tent has an irregular shape which is fitted to the trees and the ground around it. I could not have planned it in advance and then carried it with me to assemble it. It was shaped depending on where things were in that particular location. It’s held up with ropes tied to the trees.

I used a tiny little stapler to staple the pieces of vinyl together. Originally, for the first two tents, I had been poking holes through the fabric with my knife and then tying the pieces together with the twine by threading the twine through the holes. It was meant to be temporary. I felt more confident this time, and I went out and bought the tiny little stapler (a stapler is something that I might use once every five years, if even that often, and so I’ve gotten rid of any previous staplers that I used to have). If I have to, I can still undo the staples in the future, but it will just be a nuisance.

This tent is a semi-permanent tent. It would be a hassle to take it apart and try to carry it somewhere else and rebuild it. It isn’t meant to be an ultralight backpacking type of tent.

I was glad to see, when I came back to visit the tents today, that neither one of them was filled with a pool of water. The tents are vinyl, but I did not have them completely enclosed. They had open holes on some of the sides. This new, merged tent, which contains the fabric of the two practice tents, plus some extra fabric that I just bought, still has to be tested against rain. If I leave for a few days and come back to find it filled with a deep pool of water, then something needs to be fixed. It’s likely that the roof of this new tent will collect water. The practice tents were still tent-shaped, meaning they were triangular, with a pointed top. The top of the new tent is not pointed, but not flat either, and it’s angled, but it’s very messy and irregular, as the fabric is wadded and wrinkled, and so the wrinkles will collect little pools of rain.

The whole thing is messy and sloppy. That’s one reason why I’m glad that I don’t have a ‘tent expert’ standing over my shoulder telling me what to do and how to do it. My tent is going to be a mess, and that’s the way it is. I will gradually fix it as I go.

That was my attitude about it. It doesn’t have to be perfect from the very beginning. I will just keep fixing little things as I go. I always know that I can do this.

The people who are attacking me, they don’t think that way. Whenever I’ve fought battles with them, in the past, about my way of doing things, whenever I’ve had conflicts with them while trying to do something, the conflicts often have to do with the fact that I’m doing something which hasn’t been pre-planned and isn’t perfect from the beginning. I have faith that I can make something which is imperfect, and then work out the problems later. But *they* often acted like that was an extremely bad thing to do, and they would attack me and trigger intense anxiety and cause me to become totally frozen so that I could not even take any action at all. They would put images into my head, images which were totally wrong, and they would want to force me to follow that ‘plan.’

With the tent, they were giving me this horrible image of some kind of tent that resembled a big carnival tent, except I was supposed to make it smaller, and I was supposed to be adding pieces of fabric onto the sides in a particular way, and it was supposed to be all neat and tidy and symmetrical. Whenever they were forcing me to see that image, I just got hopeless and gave up. But today when I was building it, I just started putting the fabric up and adapting it to the situation as I went. It is, as I said, very messy, irregular, asymmetrical, and not at all ‘tent-shaped.’

Something happened today which was kind of upsetting. It happened whenever I blew my nose and wiped it on a bunch of fallen leaves. I just started digging under the leaves, afterwards, out of curiosity to see the soil. I like touching the soil of the forest. It is made of wet, crumbled, decomposing leaves, with a sweet smell. I wanted to see if there was anything interesting in the soil under the leaves, anything like live insects or worms or ants or sprouting plants or roots or seeds, anything at all.

While digging, I turned up half of the abdomen of a dead yellowjacket. It was still preserved, not decomposing, still recognizable as a yellowjacket.

I suddenly realized that it was a stroke of genius to start building my tent in the middle of January, but it had been unintentional. I didn’t consciously think to myself, ‘Hey, I know! I’ll build the tent in January so there won’t be any yellowjackets!’

But when it gets warm, there are going to be yellowjackets. I am upset about that. I forgot that yellowjackets even existed. But now I remember.

I’m not afraid of very many things, but I hate yellowjackets. When I was a teenager, my friend and I were out in the woods climbing a big tree, when all of a sudden she said ‘I just got stung.’ I didn’t understand what could have stung her, and I was afraid she had gotten bitten by a spider. But I looked down, and there were these ‘things’ that were flying around her legs. She started screaming and jumping up and down. And they started stinging me too. We both ran through the woods, *BAREFOOT*, as we had both taken off our shoes because we were climbing the trees (I can’t remember if we abandoned the shoes on the ground or if we managed to pick them up in time to carry them while running away). We ran through the woods barefoot and we didn’t even feel the sticks and the rocks and the sticker bushes (and actually, on my most recent trip to West Virginia, during the hike that gave me giardiasis, I ran barefoot through the woods several times during the hike, so I know it’s possible – there were hardly any sticker bushes at all).

So after that, I was really scared to go into the woods for a long time. I gradually learned that there are some seasons of the year when yellowjackets are not active, but I was still scared for a while. We also had these really annoying spiders that would make webs directly across the path, right at face level, and so I was scared of those too, but those weren’t as bad – it’s easy to just walk along the path, swinging a stick up and down in front of you the whole time you’re walking. I’d just carry a ‘spider stick’ and swish it up and down to catch any webs that I might accidentally not see in time. And after you had destroyed the web, the spider wouldn’t do anything to you. But yellowjackets are inescapable. If they start going after you, you can’t just run away. You have to get into some kind of enclosed shelter, or you have to jump into the water, and stay underwater for a while. And if there isn’t any water nearby, then that’s really bad. I don’t know how far they would chase you, and I don’t want to test it to find out.

My tent is made of clear vinyl. The voices who suggested it to me said that was so that it would be possible to ‘see the spiders.’ However, I have a feeling that that’s actually a ‘joke,’ and they’re referring to me as a spider because I’m creepy and because I have hairy legs. That’s been one of their jokes in the past, and, depending on my mood, I sometimes don’t mind being jokingly called a spider, whenever they say things to me or give me mental images. They use the ‘jumping spider’ as a symbol to mean that I’m harmless, because I’ve always been fond of the jumping spiders ever since I read a National Geographic article about them a couple decades ago. Anyway, I guess I will be able to see if there are any spiders, by looking through the plastic, but it will also be possible to see *me*, but I don’t care that much.

It also lets in sunlight, and it creates a warm little greenhouse in there. I won’t like that in the summertime, but it would be nice in the winter. I can just open the doors or windows or holes or whatever they might be called, if necessary.

I like my tent because it is so small that I have to crawl inside it. I don’t want anything bigger than that! And houses are so huge. A huge house makes sense if you have a dozen children, but nobody ever does, yet the houses keep getting built bigger and bigger and bigger, even as our society has fewer and fewer children. I can’t even express how annoyed and frustrated I am about the hugeness of houses, about how, for some reason, it’s taboo (or possibly illegal? possibly against the zoning laws or building codes or something?) to build a teeny tiny hut that’s so small that you have to crawl into it and all you can do in there is lie down to sleep. Yeah, it would be illegal. You’re probably *required by law* to build a house that has … wait a minute, no, that might not be true. The Amish houses don’t have electricity. It’s legal to build a house that doesn’t have any electrical wires in it. I had been about to say that it’s probably illegal to build a house that doesn’t have any utilities of any kind, such as electricity or water or toilets.

Wouldn’t it be great if there were a community where all the houses were tiny sized and none of them had any utilities of any kind at all? But the community itself would have some way of doing those things, like, you would carry your chamber pot out to the dumping area, whatever that might be. Maybe they’d have a porta-potty and you would dump your chamber pots into the porta-potties. Or you could do all that other elaborate stuff like composting toilets and all those things that environmentalists talk about, but I was just thinking of something that could be done in a quick, temporary way in a community that wasn’t completely settled yet, where nobody had had time to build the composting toilets or whatever else. I’m thinking of it that way, because I’m imagining something that could be built, quickly, something realistic, something achievable, something that could be done with a low budget, with less borrowed money. Whenever you’re first starting a community, you have to compromise on some of those things for a while, until you are settled and you have enough money and time to do it.

You might get in trouble for violating fire codes. They would worry that somebody would start a fire and all the houses would burn down one after another. That happens in slums and shanty towns where the houses are all practically on top of each other. I was thinking of some places in South America where the shanty town houses are like that. It’s an image I’ve seen in several movies, and also on Rick’s web page with his photos of Lima, Peru, which, for some reason, were never completely uploaded, and he has only the captions but not all the photos, and it sounded like he was miserable there anyway and his heart wasn’t in it, and he said the pollution was so bad that it made you physically sick to be in the city.

Anyway, I always just assume that anything I would ever want to do is illegal.

So. I was afraid I wouldn’t get the tent project done during my vacation, but in reality, I did a bunch of work at the very last minute, since I assume I go back to work tomorrow. I now have to observe the tent and see if it’s filled with pools of water the next time I go there, although actually, that won’t be so bad – I could fix leaks at the moment when it was raining, if I were in the tent.

I also started the purchase of the bicycle, and have to finish it, in a few weeks, when I’ve finished earning the money.

My food costs are still too high, and not only that, but it will be even harder to go around town through the drive-thrus when I’m riding a bike. I’ll have to go to restaurants and do take-out or sit down. Ideally I want to make my own food at home, but I can’t light fires in the woods, and I might or might not try to set up some kind of cooler for storing food – not yet, though.

Actually, that is *not* ideal – I don’t want to make my own food at home. I don’t like inefficiently preparing three elaborate meals every day for myself, or for myself and a husband. I like the idea of some kind of group cafeteria arrangement, where the food is cooked efficiently in a large batch, and where people take turns cooking, so that you don’t have a million separate houses with a million separate individuals each one of them painstakingly cooking their individual meals. It would be some kind of cooking cooperative.

Anyway, I did get some stuff done during this vacation. And the practice tents were worthwhile even though I took them down and rebuilt them into something else. I had to learn how to handle the fabric.

Now as it gets warmer I will have to solve one new problem after another. I will be constantly surrounded by poison ivy, bees, ants, spiders, and other unknown and unexpected things. It just reminded me of that folk song that I heard once on the radio many years ago. I heard the song, and had a delayed reaction to it – I heard most of the song and I only responded when I was near the end, and I hit ‘record’ on the tape player and I got the last verse or two, but not any of the beginning, so that last verse is all I remember. ‘Life is a toil and love is a trouble / beauty will fade and riches will flee / pleasures they dwindle and prices they double / and nothing is as I would wish it to be.’ The beginning verses of that song talk about how each season of the year brings some new dreaded problems, like muddy floors during the rainy season, and that kind of thing. ‘Housewife’s Lament’ is the song. I’m not sure who sang it, but it was sung well in the particular recording that I heard.

So was the vacation a success? I’m going to say yes, it was. Vacations help me finish projects much more easily than I can while working.

Vindicated! News story proves McDonald’s doesn’t make you fat!

January 30, 2012

Eating *almost* nothing but McDonald’s chicken nuggets for most of her life didn’t make Stacey Irvine get fat. She was malnourished and anemic and sick, but not fat. Look at the picture. She is of average weight and has a relatively healthy looking body. You can see the dark circles under her eyes, and you can tell that she’s not healthy, but no reasonable person would describe her as being fat.

She would love the Weston Price diet, I’m sure. Someone should show her that she can enjoy things like liver and other organ meats instead of just muscle meat. Then she would be able to continue eating a mostly meat-based diet but she would get a lot more vitamins and minerals. It is possible to eat a diet that has very few fruits and vegetables in it, but only if you choose the right kinds of meat.

Another interesting thing that this news story proves is that McDonald’s chicken nuggets are actually more nourishing than you might think.  The first thing that we think of, when reading this article, is how *badly* nourished she is.  But think of it, she ate that her entire life, and only started having major problems now.  It sustained her all that time.

There are people who try to eat extremely strict vegetarian diets that are poorly planned, the ‘junk food vegetarians,’  the people who completely avoid eating all meat, but who also aren’t eating healthy fruits and vegetables either.  I’ve read stories written by people who decided to stop being vegetarians, people who described all the health problems they had. Some of them ate a very poor diet for many years.  I don’t know the average number of years that they continued eating that way.  But 15 years seems like a very long time, for this girl in the news story. I’d like to compare the number of years that this girl survived eating this way, versus the number of years that the ‘junk food vegetarians’ go until they collapse and go to the hospital.  (Most of the stories that I’ve read end that way – somebody eats a horrible diet for a very long time and eventually collapses and goes to the hospital.)

I’d be curious to know about this girl’s health problems in general, the chronic problems she had before she actually collapsed.  We don’t even know for sure what triggered the collapse.

That guy’s an ILE.

January 30, 2012

I just figured this out last night. He’s definitely a thinker, with a weakness in expressing feelings and a weakness in human relationships. He is also peaceful and nonaggressive. He seems to be irrational – he seems to bounce around randomly and just start talking to whoever is nearby, I assume, if he always behaves the way he did the first time we talked to each other. He is frequently worrying about whether he might have offended me or someone else nearby, whenever he talks about atheism. Worrying about whether you might be offending people isn’t a strength of Fi, it’s a weakness. IEEs know whether they are offending people or not.

I also realized that hugging him won’t make him go away. I know, that sounds amusing, but it’s true. I could probably hug him as many times as I wanted to, and it would not bother him, and I could even do it deliberately, with the assumption that I would make him feel gross and he would avoid me, but he would continue to walk over to me and start talking to me every time he saw me. He would get used to receiving hugs, and he would enjoy them. The ‘gross someone out so that they will avoid you’ technique will not be effective. He isn’t going to be bothered by physical contact.

By the way, this isn’t the same guy as the ‘creepy library guy’ who I mentioned not too long ago. This is a new person.

While interacting with him, I feel as though the thing he needs from me is physical contact, but he doesn’t need my thinking ability as much. We are both thinkers, and he is able to think on his own. (This is the semi-dual type of relationship.)

I meet a relatively large number of ILEs, and occasional LIIs, but I swear that I hardly ever meet delta NFs. I’m not even sure that the two IEE twins that I’ve seen are IEEs – I’m not absolutely sure. I haven’t interacted with them enough times. The bookstore guy, I just was sitting in a chair nearby while he was talking to an entire group of people and teaching them how to use the Barnes and Noble ‘Nook’ device. He was clearly a Ne type, but it’s possible he could have been an ILE, not an IEE, and it was many months ago and I don’t remember what exactly he said and did that convinced me he was an IEE.

I have accidentally found another semi-dual, for the zillionth time, and now, I feel affectionate towards him and I feel that he would welcome physical touch. I don’t want to have another semi-dual relationship again. I have already had too many of those. I hate being vulnerable and not being able to resist a relationship that I know will not be good for me.

It’s interesting ‘socionically.’ I can actually feel the awareness that he is ‘Si-valuing.’ He likes a person who is able to initiate physical touch and is able to notice what’s going on in the real world. But he doesn’t really need my thinking ability, and I can feel that, when I’m talking to him.

He’s reading books about physics, those books that are a mixture of physics and philosophical speculation, things like ‘A Brief History of Time.’

I’m having trouble with the tent because the murderers have been corrupting my mental images. I try to make an image of what I want to do with the tent, and the murderers are putting this stupid, useless image into my head instead of letting me do what I want. Their image is getting in the way of what I want to do. I don’t *need* someone to give me a mental image of how I should build my tent. That’s the whole point. If I needed it, I would have asked for it. The image that they’re making is wrong, and it’s not what I want to do at all, and it’s making me feel frustrated and hopeless. I’ve partially bought my bike, which is a little bit of progress, and I’ve built two small practice tents that are not quite what I want them to be, but the tent project is stalling because of all the interference with my visualization.

Oops, retraction: No synthetic vitamins in jars of baby food (at least some kinds); the ‘LII’ might be mistyped

January 29, 2012

Sorry, this is one of those time periods when I have to do the near-constant blogging phenomenon. I just went to the store and bought some baby food. It actually does not contain a bunch of synthetic vitamins. I edited the previous post.

The supposed LII guy said hello to me at the library. ‘They’ suggested that he might be just another SLI, and not an LII, and that I could have made a mistake. I don’t need another hyperphasic SLI in my life! One hyperphasic SLI (myself) is enough.

I am still affected by drug residues, and I’m still living in my car, and I am still at risk of the too-intense, too-clingy, too-desperate, too-creepy behavior. When this guy came up to me, I felt affection and had a desire to hug him again. I hugged him the last time, after our first conversation, whenever we said goodbye and went our separate ways. I don’t want to over-hug someone who I don’t know very well, because I don’t know whether he thinks I’m gross or not. I was sitting at a table out in the main area when he saw me today, and this was the second time I’ve seen him, and so I never hugged him today, and in fact, I sort of almost shooed him away, because I had just been on the verge of getting up and leaving and going to go eat something (which probably indicates there was a puppet incident going on, an attack: if something happens when you are ‘right on the verge of doing something,’ that means they were giving you a forced urge, at that moment, and then they forced somebody else to do something to you that would cause you to decide one way or the other what you are about to do, and do it.) Anyway, so I told him I was just about to leave. Last time we talked, he told me that he had difficulty with social transitions, and I assume he means things like, the moment when two people decide that they are going to separate from each other, and that kind of thing. Last time, I had told him I was about to see a movie at 7:00, but he kept talking and talking and not looking at the clock, and I actually left AT 7:00 and was late (which didn’t matter, because it was Dragon Tattoo, which I had already seen so many times I’ve lost count), and, during that time, I chose to accept this, because sometimes socializing is more important than going and seeing a movie alone. So, today, whenever he didn’t seem to know how to stop, I had to actually say ‘byebye,’ in a childlike voice, while strongly desiring to hug him again. And then I got up to leave, finally, as I had been just about to.

So I might hug him sometime again if the location is better, or if the ‘angle of attack’ is better – today, he approached me from the front, and stood with my desk between me and him. I don’t want to stand up and then move towards him to hug him, while carrying my netbook and its cords in the other arm. That was how I hugged him last time, a shallow one-armed hug, while holding a netbook and cords in the other arm, (this is amusing, I describe a hug as ‘shallow,’ which is different from a ‘deep and penetrating’ hug, which is not meant in a sexual way, but rather, a hug where you touch most of your body against the other person and have time to slowly absorb the hug, instead of quickly leaving.)

Yes, I was, in fact, handling something contaminated earlier today – I removed some cardboard from the floor, and felt myself having a reaction immediately afterwards, and I tried to wash my hands, but it was one of those stupid automatic faucets where the water temperature could be described as ‘lukecold,’ and the water won’t stay on very long, nor does it come out at a very large volume, but instead is just a thin, low-pressure spray. I hate those faucets. I used to not care about washing my hands, but now, because of drug residues, and because I’m taking baths in the sinks in public restrooms, I now am extremely annoyed about lukecold water-saving automatic faucets, which I have always hated, but which I hate even more intensely now.

Anyway, as long as I’m in the car, I’m at great risk of over-intense emotions and clinginess, which is why I did the exact opposite of what I wanted to do – I shooed him away after talking for only a couple minutes, and I escaped without hugging him or even attempting to hug him. His eyes are brown and very, very beautiful. I love to look at them. I don’t need a crush on a cute LII-SLI-mistyped guy with hyperphasia and an unknown psychiatric disorder (which he confessed to me during our first talk, but I don’t know what it is). I don’t know what kind of drugs he’s on. He has to be on drugs, if he has a disorder, and if he has hyperphasia and is vulnerable to forced puppet speech and puppet behavior.

If you hug someone who is the same type as you, you can feel a sensation of sickness, of nausea, the feeling of sexual arousal and incest. It feels wrong, but you feel the need to touch somebody anyhow. It’s not easy to get a good conversation flow that goes on and on forever, with someone who is the same type, which is why I want to avoid having a relationship with an identical, unless I have an IEE somewhere to interact with also – and I may have mistyped him, he might really be a SLI instead of an LII, and now I feel uncertain. I hate being vulnerable to this need for relationships, at the same time that I am trying to transition out of my car and get away from the constant, recurring drug residue contaminations that are inevitable as long as I’m using my car. I have to wait a few more weeks to finish buying my bicycle.

I’m typing this on the QuickPress, so I might have made some huge paragraphs without noticing them. I’ve also probably forgotten to finish some of my tangents.

So, the anti-hugging behavior of today (don’t be gross, don’t be creepy, don’t be desperate, etc, etc, etc) and the confusion about his type, and everything, all of this at the moment when I am still extremely vulnerable to weird and clingy behavior caused by drug residues – it gave me intense anxiety and self-restraint, mixed with affection and the feeling that I was happy to see him and loved looking at his eyes.

Oh well…. I’m going to try eating these jars of baby food that I bought. I’m blogging too much, and drinking a huge amount of coffee. I’m not done with the tents yet, and I’m not done buying my bike yet. However, the bike is partly purchased, for real, and I will have it in a few weeks. I’ve really done something.

QuickPress causes me to forget to close my parentheses, because I can only see three lines of what I’ve written.  I had several typos in this post.  I’ve had a higher-than-average number of typos in my recent posts, and for various reasons, I just ignored them and left them there.  I had some kind of typo in one just today where I said “I'” and then started a new paragraph, because I forgot to finish something, and had no idea what it was, afterwards.   And I’m leaving it there.

The baby food diet?

January 29, 2012

I’ve had this idea several times before. I would like to do a diet of nothing but grocery store baby food. I’d eat the Gerber’s stuff in jars, and maybe I’d try infant formula too, for a couple of months.

I’ve eaten jars of baby food before. It’s good, actually – I like it. But canned food’s vitamins get destroyed, and then, they have to replace the missing vitamins with synthetic vitamins, which are harmful to you in some ways (though I won’t go into it now). All the vitamins in infant formula are synthetic. I’d like to observe all my symptoms and experiences on this diet. (*Oops! Edit!  I just looked at some jars on the shelf at Wal-Mart.  They DO NOT have a bunch of synthetic vitamins added.  I actually bought a couple small jars and I’m going to try them.*)

That would be useful if you were planning to actually feed that type of food to your children. It would help a mother understand what her child is going through, why they are getting gas, why they are getting intestinal cramps, why they are getting constipated (synthetic iron supplements added to baby food probably cause constipation), why they are crying all the time, why they are restless and miserable, why they vomit, why they can’t sleep.

However, this doesn’t apply to me, because I’m not going to feed my children jars of baby food, or infant formula. Anything in the store which is specifically designed for ‘babies,’ I will avoid like the plague. If it says ‘baby’ on it, then I will never buy it. I will feed them normal adult food. First, I’ll feed them breast milk. When they want to eat normal food, I’ll give that to them, and there won’t be any jars of commercially prepared baby food.

I used to believe that people probably chewed up the food and then spit it into the baby’s mouth, which, I suspected, was the origin of the French kiss, where you put your tongue into the other person’s mouth. I’m not joking, I’m serious, I really have believed that maybe that’s how they fed babies. However, after reading some things that other people have written, I now believe that there isn’t ever a time period when babies are naturally required to eat solid food but are unable to do so because they don’t have teeth. If they don’t have teeth yet, then they don’t require solid food, the end. If they do have teeth, then they are capable of chewing. I’ve read about children who decided on their own that they were curious about the solid food that the adults were eating, and the kids took some off the plates and tried to eat it, without any difficulties, even though technically their teeth weren’t ready for that yet. They won’t be able to rip and tear large pieces of meat, but they would be able to just swallow the bites whole if you chopped up some meat into small pieces or something.

Anyway, the point was that I came to believe that there isn’t even any need for the ‘French kissing’ method of feeding babies. They simply do not need any of the things that are sold on the store shelves that are intended for babies.  There is no need at all to feed children ground-up, blenderized food during a time period when they don’t have teeth yet.

I’ve also read that teething is painless for children who are eating a primitive diet, and so, all the fuss about teething is a consequence of the modern lifestyle too, just like everything else.

But… maybe I should try the baby food diet, just for fun. Do they really expect you to feed your baby *nothing but* infant formula and jars of baby food? That’s a horrible diet.

I picked up a box of powdered formula on the shelf at Wal-Mart and read it. On the back there was a disclaimer saying that experts agreed about the benefits of breast milk. That disclaimer was written at the very top of the instructions. However, it was only a single sentence, and it gave no detailed suggestions about *how* a person might be able to quit using baby formula. Do you think that would influence an ignorant, poor, uneducated person’s choice to use formula (because it is, in fact, the ignorant, poor, and uneducated people who are using formula, while the knowledgeable, wealthy, educated people are using breast milk).

I’d like to see the formula banned completely, and for all of those people who are now helplessly addicted to it, due to the fact that their breast milk has dried out (since they haven’t been using it) and they now have no choice but to use some kind of substitute, those people should be helped by wet nurses, or they should be taught how to stimulate lactation – and all of their plastic dental fillings ought to be removed so that they can stop complaining about how it hurts their breasts whenever they try to breastfeed. Painful breasts are not a normal phenomenon, and they have a specific cause, and dental fillings or other plastic implants in the mouth are usually the cause. I first experienced painful breasts whenever I had a plastic orthodontic retainer in my mouth when I was a teenager, but back then, I didn’t know what was causing the pain.

Oh well, the baby food diet – just an idea. I’d have to make a documentary about it, like the guy who tried the McDonald’s diet and made a documentary.

Why I don’t eat canned food; the IEE Twin Series; the look of distrust in someone’s eyes; and other stuff.

January 29, 2012

I have coffee-induced hyperphasia.

I think it must be the weather, but all of a sudden, I feel better than usual today. For some reason, I woke up feeling stronger than usual and more willing to get up out of bed. The weather is beautiful – it’s warm, although I can’t see how warm it is by reading the thermometer hanging in my car, because it’s warmer in here than it is outside, as I just had the heater on while driving.

Last night, ‘they’ gave me an impulse to go to a particular grocery store and buy a couple of canned food items. I had read someplace recently, probably in Weston Price, that whenever some soldiers used to get their rations, they got corned beef and sauerkraut, or something like that, and how that was actually a pretty good diet. That’s the way that I like to eat. For some reason, I’m not really interested in starchy foods. I don’t like potatoes, and I don’t like bread, and so I almost never go seeking out either one of those things on purpose. I just eat them ‘incidentally,’ along with whatever I’m eating, because they’re usually included, but if I can exchange the french fries for some vegetables, I will, like at Long John Silver’s. French fries are almost always totally disgusting to me and I can barely choke them down. But I enjoy a meal that includes nothing but meat and vegetables, and probably some fruit, although I will often get cravings for something else later, and since I haven’t been cooking for myself for a long time now, I haven’t been able to thoroughly observe and understand and troubleshoot the cravings, but I would if I were cooking my own food. Cravings are a bad sign, a sign that you have done something wrong. You needed something and didn’t get it. However, they are also a sign that you have been exposed to drug residues, such as tobacco residue.

Anyway, so I got corned beef and cabbage. I had been picturing myself taking grocery store canned food on a long distance hike. One reason why I hesitate to go on a long hike, even after being inspired by Rick, is that I think the food would be terrible. At this time in my life, I don’t believe in eating grain – I don’t believe it’s good for you – and I would like to eat a lot of high-fat meats, especially during something as energetic as a long-distance hike, and even more so if it were cold outside and my body needed to produce heat. I thought corned beef and cabbage would be a possible thing to take on a hike.

So I ate most of it last night before bed, but I couldn’t eat an entire can of corned beef. I ate a good bit of it over several periods, but not all in one sitting. I didn’t have any bags of ice. In my car, I had originally set up a cooler and I was intending to get bags of ice whenever I needed to refrigerate foods overnight, but it turned out that the cooler was in a bad location which is very hard to reach, and also, it turned out that just putting foods on ice didn’t keep them cold enough – there had to be water mixed with the ice, which made it more of a nuisance than just buying ice alone. Then, for some unknown and unexplainable reason, the food tasted funny, as though some chemical had leached into it, even though I had it inside of ziploc bags while it was in the ice. I think it is indeed possible for ‘odors,’ quote unquote, to leach through ziploc bags. I’ve heard of it happening. Odors, obviously, are a chemical, and so, there must be other unknown chemical substances that can leach through ziploc bags. (Also, with my drug residue contamination experiences, I discovered that plastic often doesn’t protect objects against contamination – the drug residues often go right through plastic, which is why I usually got cardboard to put all over the floor in the apartment.)

So the food tasted weird after sitting in the cooler, and it also didn’t stay cold without water being mixed in with the ice, and also the cooler was so hard to reach that I was strongly discouraged from using it. So I’m not even trying to get to the cooler anymore.

And as a result, I just abandoned the little bit of leftover corned beef, reluctantly. Buying some canned food at the grocery store was an experiment suggested by ‘them,’ anyway. I don’t like to waste any meat. Wasting plant products is one thing, but wasting animal products is much worse, because the animals suffered. Plants suffer when we kill them, too, but they suffer in a strange, alien way that we are unable to empathize with, so we tell ourselves that the plants aren’t suffering. You would have to redefine what it means to ‘feel pain,’ because I’m aware that plants don’t have ‘nervous systems’ the same way that we do, although they do have a surprising amount of electrical activity in them (and I can’t remember where I read that, so don’t quote me, I could be wrong). We might not understand how plants feel pain, but they do possess life, and most people agree about that.


After eating the grocery store canned corned beef and cabbage, I started to ‘feel stupid.’ I felt this sensation of being unwilling to think, unwilling to expend the effort, as though there were some kind of barrier in my brain, some kind of mental fatigue.

The stupid head feeling, in the past, has been caused by several different things. Once, it was caused by the bisphenol-A exposure after I got my new plastic dental fillings, the composite resin ones. Other times, it’s caused by foods that have substances identified by the Feingold Diet as substances that some people are sensitive to. I didn’t know exactly which it was, last night. It could have been the chemical preservatives, or flavorings, or something. Or it could have been BPA that leached out of the epoxy resin lining of the cans. I’ll have to google that and see if ‘epoxy resin’ is the right description. (Oh, darn it, I also have to fix ‘Romans’ versus ‘Greeks’ with regard to the statue. Last night I started hearing voices telling me that I said Romans when I meant to say Greeks, and I agreed, it was wrong. – Okay, fixed.) Yes, ‘epoxy resin’ is correct, and there is controversy over the amount of BPA that they leach out. It bothers me that whenever I read about BPA controversies, the mainstream sources never mention anything about dental fillings, but dental fillings, in my experience, are the *worst*, and not only that, but the BPA never stops leaching out, although the levels decrease. I am still aware of BPA coming out of my fillings now even though I got them in 2008 or so. It interacts with St. John’s Wort somehow in my body, so that whenever I’ve been exposed to SJW, I now have specific symptoms, such as painful breasts, which only began occurring after the dental fillings were put in, and which are not caused merely by SJW alone, but only in combination, through some unknown process (either a chemical process in the body, or else a mechanical process such as bruxism of the teeth, teeth clenching caused by SJW, which might cause more BPA to leach out).

Anyway, so I had the stupid head feeling, and it was quite severe. Not only that, but when I woke up this morning, several places in my abdomen were in agonizing and unbearable pain. When this happens, I have to drink clear water. I know that from experience. Intestinal pain, which is not necessarily from gas, can come from other things, such as drinking pear juice. I learned that the hard way several years ago while doing a more official version of the Feingold Diet. They recommended pear juice because it has lower salicylates than other juices, but they didn’t mention that it causes extremely severe intestinal pain. If you drink clear water, however, the pain will quickly go away in only a minute or two. I don’t know the reasons why. Back then when I was drinking the pear juice, I actually went home sick from work several times because of the intolerable, unbearable intestinal pain, which I did not yet know how to fix. I was simply helpless with unbearable pain and could not work. I don’t know the technical term for it, but it causes some kind of water absorption imbalance. Don’t quote me on that either.

It is highly probable that infant ‘colic,’ which, as far as I know, only happens to babies who are forced to drink formula instead of breast milk, is the same as that intolerable intestinal pain that I myself have felt, and that infant colic might possibly be quickly and easily solved, in exactly the same way, by giving the infant some clear, plain water to drink.  And you should never, ever force them to drink infant formula in the first place.  It is absolutely horrible, and I would say downright evil, although not intentionally so.  It is evil through ignorance.  It is ignorance, with terrible consequences.  And whenever you try to explain this to people who produce and sell infant formula, they go into denial and they try to protect themselves, protect their livelihood, protect their conscience, and even though infant formula ought to be pulled from the shelves and never sold to anyone ever again, it continues to be sold.  And if something has a weakness, then people defend it all the more fiercely, as it is vulnerable and needs to be protected, if they believe that it has even a tiny fragment of value in it alongside the weaknesses, and so, people deny that infant formula is as harmful as it is.  The same sort of defensiveness shows up in people who defend vaccines.  They believe that vaccines still do have a tiny shred of usefulness, and so, they protect vaccines all the more strongly, because they’ve seen that vaccines really do have major weaknesses, and it’s hard to defend something when it has a major weakness, but you desire to defend it whenever you believe it has a shred of value.  People believe that infant formulas have a tiny bit of usefulness, too.

So I drank water, and the pain quickly disappeared. However, all of that experience reminded me that yes, commercially prepared canned food really is bad for you. That’s in addition to the fact that it gets cooked so much and processed so much that it loses a large amount of nutrients.

I tortured myself again yesterday looking at other web pages where Rick has been, but which he did not create himself. I read new things which I had never read before, which always causes an emotional reaction, but I read them again this morning, and became more familiar with them, and the emotional response was less intense.

Right now I am using Rick as a motivator, and to a lesser extent, his wife also. I read both of their pages and I feel this envy, this jealousy, this feeling that I wish my life hadn’t had so many disasters, this awareness that I am impossibly far behind and I can never catch up with them, that I never finished college, that I’m working at a fast food job, that I am the victim of a crime, that nothing in my life has gone the way I would want it to, that I cannot simply enjoy doing things that have no immediate purpose, that I cannot ‘have fun’ in any way, that every little thing that I try to do is a big huge deal, that I can barely function.

Rick will never care about any of the things that I’m doing. I’ve wanted to live in my car for over a decade now, ever since I first started realizing how hard it is to pay the rent, and ever since I first read about other people living in their cars and in recreational vehicles, full-time. I’ve also talked about living in a ‘squatter shack’ of some kind for a very long time now, probably all the way back in my MySpace blog, if I recall correctly. I’m finally doing some of those things, and I would wish that Rick would see this and understand how much it matters to me. He goes hiking and camping, and he is able to question the modern lifestyle, and he would understand why these things matter so much to me. But he is not going to be communicating with me, he will not be a friend or an acquaintance of any kind, he won’t be a boyfriend, he won’t be a sperm donor or the father of my children, he won’t be connected to me in any way, and I cannot get feedback from him about all these things that matter to me.

The only way that I get anything from him at all is by reading material that he has written on the web, and it makes me have emotional reactions and a desire to keep doing what I’m doing, to continue, to go through with it. It motivates me. It is painful and unsatisfying to ‘interact’ with him in that way, but right now, that’s all that I have.

I am not sure when or how I will disconnect from him and connect to somebody else instead. I feel uncomfortable at the thought of having a relationship with somebody else. I’ve seen several members of the Rick Twin Series – socionics has observed that people of the same type often look alike, and even though Rick himself doesn’t like that type of ‘visual identification’ based on physical characteristics, since, yeah, it is often used very badly, but even so, it is indeed true that people of the same type often look so much alike that they could be brothers. You can look at someone, and say ‘Oh my gosh, you look exactly like someone else who used to be my boyfriend/husband/best friend, whatever,’ and it turns out that they have the same personality type and the same willingness to be your friend, the same type of relationship with you. It’s usually the eyes where I’m seeing it, but I really am seeing the rest of the face being shaped the same way, too. There is an unusually short face, although Rick has a very high forehead (and is also very intelligent). I can’t describe how exactly the face seems ‘short,’ because I don’t have the measurements. Weston Price actually took real measurements of the faces, and the deformities. He could have described better than I can about which facial feature is which distance from which other facial feature, with respect to all the rest of the facial features.

The point is that Rick has socionic twins, they are easily recognizable – sometimes hilariously so – they look like a hilarious parody of him, a distorted but recognizable image, a mockery, laughable – and they are indeed the same type, IEE, which I discover after only a few sentences of talking with them. There is one of them working at Barnes & Noble, and he has this white colored beard patch on his chin, while the rest of the beard on his cheeks is brown, and I like the white whiskers. I have always liked gray hair and salt-and-pepper hair on men, and yes, when I was young I was dating men who were 20 years older than I was. There is another twin working at the bicycle shop, and I attempted to start buying my bike yesterday, which was going to be the next story that I was going to tell. I interacted with him the last time I was there not too long ago, and he said things which only an IEE could say. Bookstores and bicycles shops, places an IEE would love. I will always take note of where they were when I found them, so that I can more easily look for them in the future. It doesn’t help me much to just have a ‘general idea’ of things that IEEs might like. It helps greatly if I have specific examples of places where they are working.

Anyway. I had given away my old bike for free, a couple months ago, while going through the storage unit. I gave it away because it was contaminated and because I was shutting down the storage unit. When I brought it to the bike shop and told the guy I was giving it away, he said, kindly, that yes, they would be able to fix it up and ‘give it some love’ and find it a new owner. The bike was a living thing that needed love, which was how I felt about it. If it hadn’t been contaminated, I would have kept it. Afterwards I worried about whether the guy had washed his hands after touching the bike, but there are some things that I just cannot control, some things which I cannot bear to try to explain to people, about the drug residues. There are some far-reaching consequences that I cannot keep to myself. I’ve had many contamination accidents that I know must have affected other people, for instance, when I was trying to use the laundromat to wash contaminated laundry, which was a disastrous failure. Everyone using the washers and dryers afterwards would have been contaminated…. and there are limits to all the things that I can control or fix. So I had to just not worry about the bike shop guy washing his hands after touching the bike.

The guy then said some things (during the first visit when I gave him my old bike) which were obviously forced puppet phrases, but which only an IEE would agree to say. It’s harder to force people to say things that are completely out of character for them, things which are completely meaningless or completely irrelevant. It’s easier to force them to say things that they might otherwise have said on their own. He said some things which were very specific and spot-on, as though he knew *exactly* what I was doing and why I was doing it, which is why I concluded that he was a puppet.

He was doing reflective conversation, what’s the word for it, where you empathize with someone, try to understand their point of view, try to put into words what emotions they’re feeling, emotional reflection. If you tell a therapist something, the therapist will say ‘So you did this because you were feeling XYZ and you wanted to accomplish ABC,’ and you respond by saying, ‘No, it wasn’t quite for that reason, it was mostly because of JKL,’ and so on, and that is how the conversation goes. Reflective listening or something. During that first conversation, the bike guy was doing that, and he said very specific words. He said ‘So this is kind of a “cleansing” thing,’ and a few sentences later ‘you’re “purifying.” yourself’ (or something very similar to that). The words ‘cleansing and purifying’ are very specifically, exactly, what I am doing, but most people would not have known that those words had any connection whatsoever to my situation, to a reason why someone would be getting rid of a bicycle. I hadn’t explained anything about cleaning up after drug residues, and I hadn’t mentioned anything about chemical sensitivity or the need to clean things, so he was getting these words out of thin air. I just said ‘It’s a really long story,’ in a sad, weary, exhausted tone of voice, the voice of someone who has suffered greatly for a very long time, the voice of endurance.

So I happened to have had the conversation with the Rick Bike Twin, but not the Rick Book Twin. I’ve never said anything to him other than ‘Do you know where they moved the Twilight books?’ while feeling ashamed about my lowbrow literary tastes.

Anyway, yesterday when I went in to buy the bike, or rather, to browse and see what the prices were, which ended up in an actual purchase – when I went in, the place was surprisingly busy. Several people were in there, holding their bikes, bringing the bikes into the store, which always seems strange to me, as I’m not accustomed to seeing people bringing their own used, muddy bikes into a store, which would usually be forbidden, but since it’s the bike store, they do it. I was self-conscious around them all. Some of the guys were kind of cute.

I am no longer confident about my physical appearance nowadays, for a variety of reasons, and I’m not going to go into all that right at the moment. It isn’t because I’m ‘old,’ quote unquote, because I know that I don’t look old – it’s mostly because of the dreadlocks, and also because of my mustache, although in the past I haven’t been nearly as self-conscious about that as I am nowadays. I chose those things for a reason, and I am keeping them, but I am aware that they do not necessarily ‘look good.’

So I felt insecure around a bunch of guys who were talking loudly, and there were nothing but guys in there. I haven’t bathed, some of my clothes are dirty, I was kneeling down in the woods and I got dirt all over my knees, and some of my clothes smell bad right now. I was not feeling confident around a big group of attractive young guys.

When I walked in, I looked straight into the eyes of the nice guy who I had talked to last time I was there. I felt hopeful that I would get to talk to him again this time, but he was helping the big group of guys.

A different salesman came and talked to me. I hadn’t been planning to buy something right then… but at the same time, I knew that I would definitely be buying something soon, and I said so, to the salesman. So he talked to me, and I didn’t feel as though he was an IEE. He was something which I felt slightly uncomfortable with. He was knowledgeable about bikes, and I felt a desire to show him that I was intelligent – he mentioned that a large wheel can go over a bump more easily than a small wheel, and I said, ‘Yeah, I can sort of understand that,’ while making a gesture with my hands to show a bike wheel going over a bump. He said ‘The angle of attack is better.’

Sometimes whenever I myself feel a desire to ‘show somebody that I am intelligent,’ it’s actually, in reality, the *other* person who has a desire to show me that they’re intelligent, and I’m getting my own feelings confused with theirs. I call this ‘I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever I’m feeling originally came from you,’ and I’ve mentioned this phenomenon several times in my blog. I usually don’t feel many emotions at all, and so, whenever I do feel some kind of emotion, while interacting with somebody in a conversation, I can safely assume that the emotion came from the other person, and not from myself. But a ‘desire to show that I’m intelligent’ is probably a feeling that I myself am capable of feeling on my own, too.

Several times while I was talking to this other salesman guy, I saw the expression of distrust at the corners of his eyes. He was being nice and friendly, the way a salesman must be to everybody, but there was a feeling of strain, or anxiety, or discomfort, as though maybe he disliked me underneath the salesman friendliness, or distrusted me. My mom gave me the distrustful eye corners also, when I visited WV, at a moment when she disliked the way that I smelled, because, she has told me, she associates the smell of body odor with the guy who raped her a long time ago, and she rarely encounters that smell, as we live in a culture where everybody wears this toxic, poisonous substance under their arms, which goes through their skin and adds to their body’s load of chemical pollution. So mom feels distrust and fear and other negative emotions when she smells body odor, which is why she gets so upset about the fact that I haven’t worn deodorant for a couple decades now (although I went through a period where I was wearing something from the Tom’s of Maine company). I stopped wearing it during the same time period when Rachael and I began our experiment of quitting shaving, which was in the early to mid-1990s.

Anyway, I saw that look in Mom’s eye, and in the eye of this salesman, although it wasn’t as extreme. I also saw it in the eye of the actor who played Martin on ‘The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo’ at the moment when he says ‘Come in and have a drink’ to whats-his-face, the main character guy, the author, Miguel (spelling?), at the very end of the movie. Sometimes people have the ‘distrustful look’ in their eyes whenever they themselves are doing something untrustworthy. That actor was a very good actor, at that moment. He had found the author lurking around his house, and so he had good reason to feel intensely distrustful, and he made a very realistic and believable eye expression. He was feeling distrustful, and he was also about to do something untrustworthy in retaliation – if nobody minds me giving spoilers about the movie.

It is a sort of narrowing or wrinkling of the outside corner of the eye, in a particular shape which is different from the wrinkles of laughter.

It’s strange, sometimes I can read expressions on people at McDonald’s, and elsewhere, even if their backs are turned to me and I can’t see their faces. There is some kind of shoulder posture that radiates humiliation, and I see this over and over again in male ESI personality types. I don’t know if I can see it because they are my socionic beneficiary? The reason I say that is because I recently talked to an LII – a puppet, most likely, because he approached me and we had an unusual conversation a day or two after I wrote in my blog about ‘Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close’ and about how I had loved the LII boy in that movie. Anyway, while talking to this LII, I sometimes ‘felt stupid’ or ‘felt inferior,’ and I would try to explain something, but feel like he didn’t really value my explanation. Now that I know about socionic elements, I can say that he felt superior in his thinking ability, but he valued my sensing. Because the relationship is asymmetrical, the benefactor can feel superior to the beneficiary without really being aware of it. Sometimes they laugh at you, and it hurts, and they don’t know they’re hurting you. I sometimes accidentally laugh when an ESI says something, or I don’t take them seriously enough whenever they really are being serious with me.

Like for instance, an ESI lady at McD said something – I was getting a cup of coffee, and she said ‘Don’t take my coffee,’ and I thought she was joking, and I laughed, and she kept telling me not to take it, and after a minute, it finally sank in that she wasn’t joking, and she explained to me that she was out of the bags of coffee and needed more of them, and she couldn’t make any more coffee and needed it to give to the customers. I walked away and I found her a new bag of coffee and I gave it to her, to be helpful, and she had thought we were completely out of them, but I had just seen somebody carrying a new box of coffee bags up the stairs, so I knew we had some in the store and I knew it was right under the counter.

The point of that was that I could often read ‘humiliation’ in male ESIs, and I wondered if I were able to see that because I was aware of the asymmetrical socionic relationship, the signals that someone might feel ‘inferior’ to me in some way. I don’t like to say that they *actually are* inferior, and it’s interesting, those relationships go in a circle, all the way around. A is inferior to B, who is inferior to C, who is inferior to D, who is inferior to A. ‘They,’ the voices, suggested to me that it was like an M.C. Escher drawing of an infinite staircase, which goes around and around, seeming to go lower and lower, but circling around to the beginning. However, anyway, oddly enough, I am able to read this ‘humiliated’ emotion in ESIs even during moments when they are reacting to people other than myself. I am not the only person who triggers that emotion in them, and so, I believe that humiliation might be an emotion which ESIs somehow feel more often, or express and radiate more clearly, than other people, for some unknown reason. For whatever reason, that particular emotion is clearly visible on them, and it is a frequent and recurring emotion which can be triggered by very small things.
Anyway… where was I? This was the guy who used the word ‘hyperphasia,’ the LII at the library. He told me that he had just been drinking coffee, which caused him to babble a lot, and he was talking spontaneously to me while we were sitting alone in one of the rooms in the library, a place where I had to go because other people were already using all the other plug outlets. The conversation was kind of enjoyable, and also kind of an anxiety-provoking strain, both at once. He was clearly an LII, able to see the essence of which belief systems I was talking about, and able to give it a name, put it in a category, and explain the reasons why it was Something-ism instead of Something-Else-ism, and able to describe the nuances of the distinctions between those two belief systems. I seem to encounter LIIs at the library more often than I expected – I thought they were pretty rare. But I don’t encounter people (males especially) who are clearly, obviously IEEs or EIIs anywhere near often enough, and I haven’t had any recent conversations with any of them. 😦

Anyway, the point of that entire rant was: I have seen several IEEs who are part of the Rick Twin Series, which does exist, and socionics visual identification is real, and I’ve interacted with them and verified that yes, they are IEEs. But even so, I don’t like the idea of forming relationships with them. (The bookstore guy, I once saw walking out with someone who seemed to be a girlfriend, so I’m not going to try anything with him. I have no knowledge about the bike store guy’s relationships.) I just feel a barrier to intimacy, whenever I try to imagine myself forming a new relationship with a different person, in the local area.

I have to post this, because I’ve sat here a long time, and my battery is running out. Anyway, I don’t feel able to start up a real relationship, even though I am able to find occasional male IEEs, and I’m not sure what to do about that yet, but I’m going to just keep doing what I’m doing, focusing on moving out of my car, getting a bike, getting rid of the car – I need to make another payment before I can actually take the bike home and use it, so that project isn’t done yet – I just put it on layaway. I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing, for now, and then decide later what to do about the barrier to relationships.

‘They’ have an opinion about the statue as well.

January 28, 2012

After I posted that, I started ‘hearing voices’ that suggested that the meaning of the statue was ‘mental masturbation.’ Modern day thinkers are doing nothing but mentally masturbating? Wow, how very cynical of you. Thanks for sharing. Am I supposed to feel smug and superior for criticizing the mental masturbation of modern-day thinkers? About how they are lacking arms, and are therefore ‘out of touch’ with the real, physical world, unable to actually ‘do’ anything useful or practical?

If that were the actual meaning of the statue, couldn’t they have just written it in a sentence instead of making a whole statue to symbolize it? They could have just written the words on a piece of paper saying ‘Modern day thinkers are just mentally masturbating. They are unable to accomplish anything useful. Therefore, I feel cynical about everything. The end.’ But no, it had to be a statue.

I’m not sure that’s necessarily the official meaning behind it, but that’s what the voices were saying.

Modern Day Thinker, by Mark Pilato – Making peace with my feelings about Schlow Library’s new statue.

January 28, 2012

“Modern Day Thinker”
Mark Pilato
A gift of Blake and Linda Gall

The library’s new armless brass statue makes me feel annoyed, angry, and frustrated every time I look at it. I do not feel aesthetically pleased.

They have a new statue on the landing of the stairs. It’s a woman made of brass. It’s meant to be an imitation of the old, broken Greek statues of people, the statues that don’t have arms anymore. I could be mistaken, but it’s my understanding that those Greek statues originally had arms in the beginning. They lost them over time because the arms were fragile and they broke off. I don’t recall ever reading about them, but I assume that’s what happened.

But now, I’ve seen it parodied on cartoons on television, and that kind of thing – something you might see on Scooby Doo, cartoons from my childhood. It is a ‘familiar phenomenon,’ something that exists in cultural awareness, that there are a bunch of famous statues from Rome that have their arms broken off. So cartoons would sometimes parody those statues as a joke. That’s how I first learned that they existed, actually. I saw the parodies and I thought ‘Why are they imitating statues without arms?’

This annoying brass statue is made of a material that is durable and unlikely to break, even if the building crumbles down around it and the archeologists have to dig it up a few hundred years in the future. It could easily have had arms without fear that they might break.

However, somebody somewhere *told* somebody that ‘ancient Greek statues are beautiful.’ Ancient Greek statues are the official definition of aesthetic values, somebody told somebody, and so, we must imitate them, including their brokenness, so that people will *recognize* that they are an imitation of something which is the definition of aesthetic beauty. If the arms weren’t broken off, people might not recognize the ‘symbol’ that represents something familiar, the well-known phenomenon of ancient statues with their arms broken off. Broken-off arms are not, themselves, aesthetically beautiful, but they have popularly come to symbolize something that once was beautiful before it was broken. (Actually, phrasing it that way makes me understand it a little better – but I don’t want the statue to be meaningful, I want it to be beautiful!)

That’s just it. I don’t want to argue about what are the meanings behind the statue. I want to look at it and see that it is pleasing to the eye. I don’t want to argue that this brass copy of something which was once beautiful, but is now broken and lost, and which now only symbolically represents something beautiful, is an interesting statue because of its having that symbolic meaning. I can feel myself fighting against it right now. I don’t want to see it that way.

Is the statue supposed to be controversial and deep? Is it just someone’s attempt to make a familiar copy of broken Greek statues? Was it chosen because someone is too stupid to judge for themselves what is, and isn’t, aesthetically beautiful, and so they chose something which would symbolically suggest something recognized as ‘officially beautiful’ so that people wouldn’t need to take the trouble of deciding for themselves whether or not it was beautiful?

The woman’s head is lifted up to the sky. Her smooth, flowing lines reach upward… until you get to the chopped-off arm. The arm juts out just beyond the shoulder. It looks like an Iraq war veteran. Do I want to be reminded of Iraq war veterans with their arms and legs amputated, every time I look at this statue which is struggling to be beautiful, reaching to the sky without arms, without legs?

Perhaps it wasn’t amputated. Perhaps the arm is a bud which is just about to grow. Perhaps this person is in a liquid, developing state which is moving. This is suggested by her left side, which is smooth and melted looking, the arm fused against her body. She doesn’t look like she is in any pain. She looks like she is in motion.  (After looking at it again, I noticed that her left arm flows downwards so that her hand is touching her groin.  I hadn’t seen this erotic aspect of the statue until just now.)

I might be able to make peace with this statue if I imagine her as a budding, growing, flowing, liquid creature, something alive, flexible, changing, moving, somewhere between a liquid and a solid.

I don’t think I will see her as just an amputee anymore, or just a copy of a broken old Greek statue. She is something else.

(After rereading this, I wanted to add that I still don’t really ‘like’ the statue.)

I should buy a deeded square inch of Mt. Nittany and live on it!

January 28, 2012

I had a hilarious idea shortly after I posted that. I ought to purchase one of the ‘deeded square inches’ on Mt. Nittany, and build my tent over it, even though I would also be sprawling over everybody else’s deeded square inches without their permission. When I thought of this idea, I started laughing and laughing, and had to tell myself to stop laughing because I was about to walk into Wal-Mart. I don’t know how much a deeded square inch of Mt. Nittany costs. It’s one of those things that they are doing to protect Mt. Nittany. Apparently, a square inch is cheap enough for most people to afford. I wonder if I would have to pay property taxes on a square inch, and if so, how much?

Rule against perpetuity; what if there were no property rights?; checked out Harry Potter; short fingers can’t throw a football or play a guitar very well

January 27, 2012

4:12 PM 1/27/2012

I went on one of my long random drives today, and I also drank several cups of coffee. I’m not sure why I wanted coffee so badly that I decided I should have it. I know that I’ve quit coffee many times in the past and I’ll be able to quit it again whenever I decide to, and I also know that it’s easier to quit it when the drug residues aren’t on my clothes. So, because of the coffee, I’m extremely verbal. Someone recently used the word ‘hyperphasia’ to describe what happened to him whenever he drank coffee. That’s a good word.

While I was driving, I was having a big ‘discussion’ about why we buy land. Why do we have property rights? What do they actually accomplish? What do they fail to accomplish? What would happen if we abolished them, and who is ‘we’ in that scenario, and what does it mean to ‘abolish,’ and who enforces that abolishment? And it all came around full circle to the realization – as always – that the dreaded scenario has already occurred, that we already are living in exactly the situation that we claimed we were trying to prevent, and that the very thing we wanted to stop from happening, is exactly what the current system causes to happen.

Before I get into that, I was also going to mention that I finally checked out a library book. This should help stop me from going to see so many movies. I forgot that there was a taboo on books, and I forgot the reason why there was a taboo. I had a taboo on checking out library books because the last time I did that, it was in the middle of the very worst contamination at my apartment, and I set the book down onto the carpet and it got covered with ephedra residue, the worst of all the residues. I had to then go back to the library and explain to them that I had ‘damaged’ the book, and I wanted to buy them a new one. I offered to go out and buy one, but the library lady told me that the library could just buy it themselves and that I shouldn’t worry about it. But I wasn’t happy about that at all, and I really wanted to buy them a copy, but for some reason, the lady discouraged me from doing that, and I forget the details. So I felt guilty for ruining the book. I refused to give it back to them with ephedra on it.

After that, I forbade myself to check out any library books, and I also severely limited the books that I bought over the next few years, although I bought several Schaum’s Outlines of Bookkeeping and Accounting, several of which were ruined and thrown away, while I was finishing up all those assignments. Other than that, I bought very few books, and I refused to check any out of the library.

So I just got ‘Harry Potter.’ I didn’t get anything that required me to learn or to study, because I don’t want to start up a learning project only to abandon it in a week or two because it’s unsustainable. I got something which was purely entertainment, and it wouldn’t matter if I abandoned it. I’ve read it several times before, but it’s always enjoyable. I like to read the same books over and over again. This is something that differs between people. There are some people who love to watch the same movies, and read the same books, over and over and over, while there are other people who like to move on to the next book or the next movie as soon as the first one is done. If I find something that I enjoy a lot, then it’s re-watchable, re-listenable, or re-readable, and so I will do it over again a hundred more times and not get tired of it.

I read the book for a couple hours last night, instead of watching a movie, and when I woke up this morning, I had this feeling that I had recently been watching one of the Harry Potter movies, and I was confused, because I don’t have the DVD or a DVD player right now – the DVDs are all in my closet in West Virginia. I realized it was because I had been reading the book the night before.

I’m not that worried about contamination now. The book might possibly fall onto the floor of the car, but I’m trying not to let that happen – although the car is such a mess right now that the book might actually slide off one of the piles of junk. So I have the book inside of a plastic bag, in case it does slide down onto the floor.

Yesterday, I did work on setting up the tent in the rain. I didn’t work on it today. Yesterday, I sort of got tired and had to leave anyway because it was starting to get dark and I think we’re probably not allowed to park our cars there after dark – most of the other parks have made me leave if my car is parked there after the sun sets.

So I partially set up the tent, but it’s all wet and sagging and shabby looking. As I walked away from it, I looked back at it. It looked sad and pathetic, like a piece of garbage, like a big plastic bag that someone had thrown away. I wasn’t happy about that. It might encourage someone to go get rid of it because it looked like garbage.

Whenever I was buying the vinyl fabric that I was going to use, I chose the clear, see-through stuff. The reason that I chose that particular fabric was because ‘they’ suggested it. I was already familiar with that particular type of vinyl and I didn’t have any chemical sensitivity reactions to it. It was the same stuff that I had been using on my car seat for a long time, and I didn’t have any problems with it. So that was why they suggested it.

But I looked at a couple other types of vinyl that were next to it. Some of them had printed ‘doilies’ on them. Doilies are those lacy flowery things that people will put on their tables and other pieces of furniture. Some of the vinyl had that, and some of it had checkered patterns, and that kind of thing. I looked at that, and imagined using it for my tent, and I found the idea so amusing that I was very, very tempted to buy one of them instead of the clear stuff. I came quite close to doing it.

Looking back at the sad-looking piece of trash hanging between the trees, I felt that maybe I ought to have bought the patterned fabric instead. It would have sent a different psychological message. I need to protect the tent against potential vandals. If somebody walked by and saw a miserable-looking piece of trash, they might get angry at the person who was littering, and remove the trash. But if they saw a pleasant-looking tent with colorful fabric or doilies or patterns, something homey-looking or feminine-looking, they might actually laugh at the idea of someone building a little tiny tent in the woods with colorful vinyl, and they might leave it alone. Then again, they could have the opposite reaction, the ‘asshole’ reaction, and say ‘Someone took time and effort to build this, so I’ll destroy it just because I can!’ They might actually be *more* tempted to destroy it.

These decisions reflect my judgment of human nature, my judgment of the type of people who live in this location, my judgment of the type of people who will be climbing on that mountain. I have to decide what they will do if and when they encounter my tent. First, I’m not putting anything there that I’m not willing to lose. I will probably carry my laptop around with me in a backpack everywhere I go, for instance, instead of leaving it in the tent. If anything happens, the potential vandals won’t destroy anything that really matters. The ‘vandals’ might also be government employees who decide that I’m not allowed to put a tent there. Either way, someone might possibly take it away or destroy it.

I might actually go back and get some of the feminine looking decorative fabric and put it on my tent just for a laugh. I might.

So this is why I was thinking about property rights. And I don’t want to go into the whole thing that I was thinking about and talking about while I went for my random drive today. But the conclusion that I came to was this: At the moment when property rights really matter the most, that’s the exact moment when they take them away from us.

We want to have property rights to protect us against somebody who wants to take over our land and use it for something else, right? I want to claim this piece of land so that my neighbors can’t walk all over it, build things on it, chop down my trees, dig holes in my backyard, and so on.

But what happens when the government decides that they are going to build a highway over your land? Or what happens when a big corporation makes some kind of special deal with the government so that they can get an ‘exception’ to the rule of your property rights? Suddenly, you are forced to give up your land to somebody who wants to do that very things: chop down all the trees, build something over it, dig holes in it, and so on. When property rights really matter the most, that’s the exact moment when we lose them.

You imagine yourself holding on to your little house, while the highway comes to an abrupt end and can’t be built any farther, right above your head, because you said ‘no’ to letting them build the highway there, and your property rights are protecting you against that highway. That’s the exact opposite of what happens in reality. Whenever somebody demands that they get your land so they can do something with it, the government is able to make ‘special exceptions’ to the law of property rights so that they can take your land away from you.

So what is the point of buying land at all? Why do we buy a plot of land? Who exactly are we protecting it against? Small-scale vandals? Do they really exist? Are those small-scale vandals really out there, waiting to trespass on our land and spray-paint our houses and dig up our flower gardens? Would they really do that if we didn’t own our plots of land and if we didn’t have the right to call the police on the vandals?

It depends on where you live! In some places, our neighbors are a lot nicer than that. Why would we even need to buy, and protect, a plot of land, if we lived in a place where we were surrounded by nice, cooperative neighbors who had no desire to vandalize our land? If we lived near a group of people who all knew each other, who all were able to negotiate with each other, why would we need to protect ourselves against them? There are only a small minority of assholes who want to go around and do things to other people’s land. Most of the people are agreeable, and they have no desire to do anything to someone else’s land, or someone else’s flower garden, or whatever. Most of the people don’t go around stealing your vegetables.

And if someone did, you would still have to find them and call the police on them, which wouldn’t necessarily protect you against them. You’d have to catch them first, and you’re still the one responsible for catching them. You still have to pay for your own videocameras to catch the vandals stealing your vegetables in the middle of the night. You still have to pay for the bear traps that you set around your property (yes, bear traps, those things that will snap shut and break your leg and trap you there) whenever you need to protect yourself against more dangerous attacks, or whatever method you use to protect against anyone who is trying to hurt you or steal from you. The police still don’t really protect you. If you need active protection, you usually have to pay extra for it.

Other libertarians have written about this before. I was just going over the same conclusions and understanding them more deeply.

So now, I just need to judge the character of the people who will be hiking around in the particular piece of woods that I’ve chosen. Are they the type of people who will report me to the police because I’ve put a tent there? Are they the type of people who will laugh at the sight of my doily-covered tent, and then keep on walking, with a smile (assuming that I actually do go back and get a patterned fabric instead of the clear stuff)? Are they the type of people that will slash the tent with their machete, and open up my bags of clothing and scatter the clothes around in the woods nearby? What will my neighbors do? What kind of people are they? These are the judgments I have to make, when my house isn’t officially protected by the law, when I don’t have a door with a lock on it, when I don’t have streetlights.

When I talked about ‘What if we abolished property rights?,’ the only answer that I could think of was that in that scenario, ‘we’ would have to be ‘the citizens,’ and ‘we’ would have to have a revolution against the government, in which we took over physical control of the government and prevented the former government employees from physically doing their job, because I could not see any other way that this scenario could possibly happen. It would require a revolution, which would be physically dangerous for everyone involved. I don’t see any other way to abolish property rights and land ownership.

I followed the scenario as far as I could imagine it, and I asked questions like ‘What if someone wants to take over your area of land and cut down all the trees, or dig a hole, or build something on it that you don’t want?’ That made me realize that that situation already exists. There’s a name for this exception to the rule – something about ‘for the good of the public’ or ‘public use’ or something – there’s a special term for what it is when the government takes control of your land to build a highway over it. That is the very situation that we are supposedly trying to prevent whenever we are buying a piece of land and expecting that it will be protected against other people trying to do things to it… so the dreaded scenario already exists, and our property rights have failed to protect us against it.

In the movie ‘The Descendants,’ which I said was kind of boring to me, they mentioned this ‘Anti-Perpetuity Rule,’ something that existed in Hawaii, which required a group of people to give up the land that was entrusted to them. This was one of the subplots in the movie. I became curious about the anti-perpetuity rule. This idea is connected to the idea of land ownership and taxes, why we aren’t allowed to just buy land and then sit there and do nothing with it, but instead we must ‘do something profitable’ so that we can afford to pay the taxes to the government. We’re not allowed to be unprofitable on our land. We’re not allowed to be inactive or to just sit there. As a result, some people fail to pay their taxes and their principal and interest, and they get their land taken away from them, foreclosure.

I found this here: It’s very hard for me to even read that article, and it doesn’t tell me much about the reasons behind it, or the theory, or the overall concept, or the consequences of it (okay, yes it does, I just wasn’t done reading yet). It’s hard for me to connect it to what happened in the movie. It doesn’t seem to resemble something that I was thinking of, which is the concept of land ownership being forced to ‘change hands frequently.’ It doesn’t seem to be the same idea. I had this idea that sooner or later, there was going to be a law requiring people to give up the land they had purchased, and requiring them to step out of the market to buy land, so that other people would have a chance to buy the land, so that there would be less competition for land ownership. I’m not saying I agree with that idea, I’m just saying that I have a feeling that sooner or later, somebody is going to make that law. It seems stupid enough that it just *has* to be real. I’m sure that sooner or later, someone is going to make this stupid law. So a person will be forced to sell their land, and forcibly prevented from attempted to buy any land anywhere after the sale, so that everyone else will ‘have an equal chance’ to buy some land, to keep the land prices lower. I can just imagine this happening. I was thinking about that scenario while I was driving, and it seemed believable.

That Wikipedia page actually seems kind of interesting, but also hard to understand, because it’s hard for me to concentrate in the place where I’m sitting right now. So I might read more about it later. But I really want someone to connect that concept to property rights in general, the phenomenon of land ownership. I wanted to go into more detail about the idea that maybe someday, there would be a law requiring people to sell their land and let other people use it, after a few years had gone by, and nobody would be allowed to hold onto a piece of land for very long at all, so that everyone would get an ‘equal chance’ to temporarily own a piece of land. Actually, how is that different from renting an apartment? But it would apply to all land, including things like farmland, and factories, and rock quarries, and places where people had significantly changed the land, grown something, chopped down trees, or built something there – they would be forced to abandon it, and as a result, nobody would want to invest in building factories or whatever anymore. I can almost imagine this happening for real.

Another idea that I was trying to understand was this: What would happen if some rich person just bought a bunch of land, then kept it untouched forever, and handed it to their children, and their children, and their children, but refused to let anyone trespass on it, refused to let them build tents there, refused to let them grow food there, and so on, while the rest of the world was starving, and no one had any place to live, and nothing to eat, and they really ‘needed,’ quote unquote, that land. Sooner or later, someone would decide that ‘public need’ was more important than their property rights, and they would declare the property rights to be null and void in that situation. And I imagined, what if they were either 1. paying no property taxes to the government at all,’ or 2. paying taxes out of their own pockets, just because they were rich, or just because they were able to earn an income elsewhere, but not from the land itself. They could afford to just keep the land and use it ‘unprofitably’ and pay the tax out of their own pocket, or they would be in a scenario with no taxes at all. Sooner or later, someone would declare that they could no longer keep the land, and somebody must use it to farm crops or to build houses on. Or whatever. Sooner or later, someone would decide that ‘public need’ was greater than their property rights. And that already happens, but usually with things like highways.

When I think about these things, I’m taking a ‘devil’s advocate’ position. I don’t necessarily agree or disagree with any particular scenario. I’m just wondering what if this would happen. I’m skeptical about the benefits of ‘owning’ property, and I believe that the spirit of property rights is already violated by the government. As always, when I talk about anarchism in the abstract, I always come around full circle to the realization ‘We already have anarchy. A hostile tribe has already taken control of the entire planet, and the only way we can remove that hostile tribe is by risking our lives in a physical fight against the hostile tribe, which few people are willing to do. We have anarchy. The end.’ So that is why I made the decision to go live in a tent in the woods on a piece of land that I don’t own.


But anyway, the tent is partially built, but not usable yet. And it’s all wet and soggy and there will be a bunch of rainwater in it the next time I go there. I got sort of discouraged the last time when I was building it.

There’s something that I was imagining. Whenever females try to do particular types of tasks, there is the likelihood of an experienced, knowledgeable male standing there looking over your shoulder and criticizing how you’re doing it and saying ‘No, don’t do it that way, do it this way,’ and then they will jump in and actually start doing it *for* you instead of letting you struggle to do it, and then you never learn. That happened to me, over and over, throughout my life, and it must have happened to a lot of other females too. It tends to happen a lot with outdoorsy type activities such as setting up a tent. I have never learned to do anything physical, and I don’t have confidence at doing those types of things. I can just imagine if a man was there advising me and telling me how badly I was doing it and how I shouldn’t be doing it the way that I am doing it.

I didn’t like the Girl Scouts. I wanted to join the Boy Scouts instead. I thought that the Girl Scouts were doing useless things and not learning anything real. And I recently read about the Girl Scouts to try to dispel that belief. But it turned out to be true. The Girl Scouts really don’t learn the hardcore hiking stuff that the Boy Scouts learn. They don’t teach them to build a fire, find their way out of the woods without a compass, and all that other stuff that the Boy Scouts (or Eagle Scouts) learn. They might learn a tiny fraction of it, but they don’t learn anywhere near all of it. The Boy Scouts are clearly very different from the Girl Scouts, and they are not just a male/female version of each other. The Girl Scouts don’t teach me anything that I ever wanted to know. When I read about them, they really did seem to be as bad as I had always thought they were, and I confirmed my original feeling.

There needs to be a *real* Girl Scouts, something that teaches girls to do the stuff that is really difficult.

I had a conversation at work recently. Somebody said that a particular employee was able to roll the burritos really quickly, and I said, maybe it was because he had long fingers, because there were a lot of things that a person could do more easily if they had long fingers. I don’t know for a fact that this particular person does, or does not, have long fingers. I was just guessing.

I was thinking of the time that I tried to learn to play the guitar, many years ago. That was the first time that I noticed that I have unfortunately very short, stubby little fingers, that I can barely reach my fingers all the way around the stem of the guitar, and that I cannot stretch them very far, or put lots of pressure onto the strings, to go from one chord to another, with particular chord changes, because of how short my fingers are. This was very frustrating to me, because I knew that I had the skill and coordination to actually play the guitar, if only it were the right size for my fingers. It was not stupidity, it was not lack of skill, it was not lack of focus, it was just the short fingers that prevented me from playing the guitar very well.

After I made that comment at work, the conversation of course went to the ‘Ha ha, yes, there are a lot of things you can do with long fingers, blah blah,’ and I knew it would go that way, but I had wanted to have a sexually neutral conversation about how awful it was to be stuck with short fingers and to be handicapped at doing so many things because of it. I can’t throw a football! I never could. I was in gym class, decades ago, struggling to throw a football, and everyone else could do it, but not me. I couldn’t put a spin on it. The football flew end over end. This was because my tiny fingers could not even reach around the football far enough to spin it while throwing it at the same time. The football would have to be smaller. There were other balls that I could not throw very well because they were the wrong size. I couldn’t throw a basketball very well, and if you think about it, you have to grasp it a certain way with long fingers, and spin it. I couldn’t throw a softball very well, and softballs are very large.

I’ve also read that women’s shoulders are shaped differently than men’s, our bone and joint structure, which is another reason why women can’t throw. It’s really true that women can’t throw as well as men, in general, but there are some women who are an exception, and it varies.

So it seems unfair to me that I was stuck in gym class with teachers who didn’t understand that I couldn’t throw a football, and I would *never* be able to throw it, and they made me feel stupid and incompetent because I couldn’t, when it was only because I have short, tiny fingers that can’t reach around the ball to put a spin on it. Women, or small people, should get taught how to do different sports and activities that small-fingered people are able to do, so that they won’t feel like a failure for the rest of their lives.

So there is actually a legitimate reason to separate men and women, with physical tasks, and teach them to do different things. But there isn’t any reason why I can’t put up a tent by myself. I just feel insecure doing it, because I’ve never done anything like that before. My parents would always put up the ‘real’ tent without letting us children do very much, when we were young, although I vaguely remember that I would hold the stake in the ground, or something, while somebody else pulled on various strings and stuff. People always would jump in and do things for me if I was struggling. I remember Mom didn’t like to watch people struggling with a task, and she tended to jump in and do it for them. (No, this isn’t all meant as a big gripe against Mom. She was only one of many people.) It’s much harder to do a task now while I’m simultaneously being electronically zapped, too, which makes it hard to visualize anything, and I’m sure that was interfering with the work I was trying to do, too. Without that, it would have been easier. But it also would have been easier if I had had lots of previous experience with doing challenging physical tasks outdoors, such as building large objects or fixing things. I would have felt more confident and more knowledgeable in general. When I tried to put up the tent, I felt easily frustrated, insecure, and unsure of what I was doing.

Anyway, I didn’t do anything today except drive the car a long way, talking to myself, and drinking lots and lots of coffee after having withdrawn from coffee for several days. That’s not really progress. However, I also have book to read now, which I can do instead of watching movies, because I became aware that there had been a taboo on books for the past several years, and I had gotten out of the habit of checking books out of the library because of the drug residues. I’m not as worried about the book when I’m just keeping it in my car.

I think I’ll go ahead and post this. I’ll probably remember a few more things after it’s posted and I reread it, but oh well.

Rain won’t stop; why is my car a burden?; the soul-murderers

January 26, 2012

Some unknown person asked to be my friend on facebook. I wouldn’t have necessarily been opposed to the idea, however, I had no idea who they were or how they knew me. It might have been someone who read my blog. I wasn’t able to send them a message, either. In the past I thought I was usually able to send a message along with my answer to a friend request, but this time I couldn’t, so, I just said no. I couldn’t even see who *their* friends were, so I wasn’t able to figure out if they knew somebody who knew me, or something.

It’s raining endlessly here today. I looked at the weather forecast, and they’re expecting it to keep raining for at least a couple more days, although it might be slowing down by this weekend. I know from experience, and from meteorology class, and from reading books about weather, that stratus clouds like this tend to just keep raining and raining forever. The whole sky is white, the ground is foggy, and the clouds and fog make it impossible to see the hills.

I am going to have to go out in this weather and do my project. If I had known that the rain would stop soon, I might have just waited for it to stop, but it isn’t ever going to stop, and I can’t afford to wait forever. I knew it was possible that something like this would happen, but I was afraid that it would be snow. Thankfully, it’s only rain. It would have been much harder if it had been a big long-lasting blizzard. I’m not sure I could have gotten to my camping/squatting site in the snow.

So now I’m just mustering up the will to go do it. I have to set up the tent-like object – I might jokingly call it a TLO, Teelo, or something like that.

I have to accept that the rain will never stop, and that I only have this one week vacation to get this project started. I realize I won’t get it completely done this week, but I have to start it.

This is analogous to breaking out of prison, for me. If you had only a brief opportunity to break out of prison, and it were pouring rain that day, would you skip it just because it was raining? No, you’d do it anyway, because you weren’t going to get another chance. That is how I’m viewing this situation. Every vacation that I take from work is a brief opportunity to make progress in my life. I can’t ask for too many vacations from work, partly because I need the money – my food cost is still extremely expensive, and I’m spending a lot on gas, and movies, too – but partly because the managers don’t really like giving people too many vacations – it’s an inconvenience for them. I know I was asking a lot when I requested a second vacation shortly after having taken the two-week vacation in December.

Actually, it’s theoretically possible that you *would* refuse to break out of prison if the weather were too bad, because the plan is not to die. However, if you don’t care about dying, then maybe you would break out of prison no matter what the weather was doing. You might have to walk a long way in the snow without food or shelter.

Anyway, I really want to ‘break free’ from car ownership. It’s odd, but I think I will probably travel more, not less, after I stop using the car. It will change the pattern of my travel. I will find out the limits of how far I can go by bike (without the motor, since I don’t have that yet, but would like to someday). Beyond those limits, I will have to start taking buses. We don’t have many trains that are working in the United States, but people still use the trains in Europe. Rick also did a lot of hitchhiking when he traveled, but I’m not sure I would feel comfortable hitchhiking, unless I were carrying a weapon. I would probably try to get around on the motorized bike.

Breaking free from electronic torture would be even better.

But anyway, why does owning a car make me feel unfree? Right now, I still have to fix the damage caused by the accident. I have lost track of when that happened. I think it was over a year ago, in October of 2010. It was October. I lost my job at Weis Market at the same time that I had the accident.

I had some difficulties getting the insurance payment, and when I finally got it, we found out that there was more damage than the amount they had estimated, which meant that I could not fix it right away, but would have to call them to get more insurance money. There was one complication after another, and since I had lost my job at the same time, I needed money to pay the rent.

I had deposited the insurance money into my checking account, and the balance on my checking account gradually went lower and lower and lower over the period of months when I was struggling to get the insurance paperwork worked out and all that. I was struggling in general – it was impossible to get anything done, and I was probably being tortured and forcibly prevented from doing it, most likely. It is impossible to muster up my will to do any ordinary thing at all if I am being tortured, and I am being tortured constantly – ‘murdered’ is the word that I would prefer to use, but I won’t get into that now – I am being murdered constantly, soul-murdered – my mind is destroyed and my consciousness ceases to exist during the attacks – and as a result of all of those things, I gradually spent the money that I had gotten from the insurance, without yet fixing the car. I didn’t get a second job again, but instead continued working at only one job, so I wasn’t able to save money.

So I lost all the money that I had been given from the insurance people. It wasn’t a huge amount of money. It was like $1200 something. I think it was $1234, actually, because that was a memorable number. It wouldn’t take long to get that if I had a second job, but right now, I don’t, and I don’t want one. I want to finish my self-liberation projects first, before getting a second job. If I get a second job, it will be harder to take time off, or to have any free time at all, to do my self-liberation projects. I was able to finish the project of getting rid of all my stuff in storage, and I am very, very … I don’t know which word to use – ‘grateful?’ Not ‘happy,’ really. Just grateful or something that I was able to finish doing that. I don’t like ‘grateful’ because it implies that I’m grateful to *somebody*. But I was able to finish doing that project, and I want to finish liberating myself from my car, too.

Anyway, I don’t *want* to save up $1234 to start fixing the car. And also, I don’t know, it might have been so long that they won’t do it anymore. It was over a year ago. They would have to start fixing it and call the insurance company to get the rest of the money. I have a feeling that it’s too long ago and they won’t do it anymore. So I would probably have to pay the $1234 and also whatever additional money would be needed, and they believed it would be a couple thousand dollars, because the car was damaged underneath – I got rear-ended, and you can see the crushed bumper, but some kind of ‘pan’ under the car was also damaged. The something pan.

I don’t want to spend thousands of dollars fixing the car. I don’t want to spend several months working at two jobs, eighty hours a week, only to fix the car, and only to see another year of my life go by without my having children. And even after I fixed it, there would still be the inevitable future repairs. Eventually, more things will break down that will need to be fixed, and I don’t want to spend that money on them.

Without a car, I will be less spontaneous. I will be forced to think more about what I’m going to do and how I’m going to do it. I view this as a good thing. I won’t be able to impulsively spend money as easily as before. If I weren’t being *murdered*, and yes, I am using that word, it would be much easier to make decisions about how I spend my money, and control my own actions.

Today ‘they’ suggested that I take online college courses, which would allow me to keep my children with me. I don’t object to that idea.

However, online classes don’t let you experience the social life of college, and the social life is the only real reason to go to college. College-educated people get married more than people who are not college educated. People socialize in college, and that is their sole reason for being there. That is what I have decided. College is completely pointless except as a social get-together location. That’s not entirely true – that’s exaggerated – the college professors are knowledgeable, and sometimes it helps to have a knowledgeable person who can tell you how to go about learning something, or who can tell you things that haven’t been written down in the books. It helps to have a structure that encourages you to do your work. But I still feel that the primary benefit of college is the socializing. I don’t even want to mention the ‘you have a piece of paper that tells people that you are educated,’ because that particular purpose of college is… distasteful to me.

Anyway, back to the car. I was saying why it makes me feel unfree. It’s hard to explain, but I actually feel like I will be less burdened and more mobile without the car. It would be easier to go to another country without the car. I won’t have to put it in storage somewhere or worry about it. I wouldn’t even need to come back to pick it up. I could leave and not come back if I wanted to. If I have very few belongings, it’s easier to do that.

I’m reluctant to go out there, but I have to. I have to start setting up the tent. I might get it partly set up today, and finish working on it tomorrow. Maybe it won’t be raining quite as badly tomorrow. It will still be raining but maybe not as much.

I’ve had some drug residues on me since New Year’s Eve when I visited my friend from McD. It’s mostly tobacco, but I recalled that he said he and his girlfriend had used antidepressants in the past, and I don’t know if they still do, which is why I’ve said they had ‘unknown/miscellaneous’ drug residues in addition to the tobacco. Whatever it is, it’s made me have a tendency to be angrier than usual for the past few weeks. I am just constantly angry for no reason, and after my experiences of the past few years, I know that this is caused by transdermal drug residues, and it isn’t just an ’emotion.’ It’s true that I have plenty of reasons to be angry, but that’s not my nature. It isn’t natural for me to actually *feel* angry constantly all day long. I know from experience that that is caused by drugs. The murderers have been torturing me more than usual, or differently than usual, because of this anger, which they always try to provoke. I don’t know *why* they try to provoke anger and rage in the victims, but they do. Every victim that I’ve read about online has said this same thing, expressed this same rage, and drugs make that rage a million times worse.

And in the future, there will be some kind of project involving a shield that works. But I must liberate myself from my financial burdens right now, and do a couple of other things, and sell the car whenever I’m ready. Sometime after that, in the future, I will work on a shield. And sometime, I will talk to other victims, because I need to talk to someone who knows how it feels to be murdered, to have your soul destroyed, to have the hours of your life permanently taken away from you even though your body appears to be physically alive.

running errands; noticing toxic building materials; appreciating books again

January 25, 2012

4:47 PM 1/25/2012

I saw ‘The Descendants,’ and even though it had 4 1/2 stars, I didn’t like it a lot, and found it somewhat boring and depressing. Other movies will get maybe three stars, but I’ll enjoy them enough to watch them over and over again. I watched ‘Twilight – Breaking Dawn’ several times, partly because I really liked the music. One person wrote a review where he complained about all the ‘filler’ time, where no real action was happening, and it’s true, a lot of time was like that, but during those moments, good music was playing, which was why I enjoyed the movie so much. I’ve liked the music from all the Twilight movies. I’m embarrassed to admit it when I like movies that I know aren’t ‘high art.’ But, I watch whatever is available.

Today, I was running around doing errands. I just went to various stores looking for things that I might possibly use to build the tent-like object. I don’t want to buy an official tent. There are several reasons why I don’t want to. I’ve been inspired to be anti-tents because of reading about Rick’s ultralight backpacking experiences. He doesn’t use the kind of tent that has the metal poles and all the other stuff. He just uses a small piece of fabric whenever he goes hiking in places that don’t have a lot of heavy rain. I’m not sure what he uses whenever he goes someplace with a lot of rain. The piece of fabric is enough to block off a little bit of rain that might fall during the night. The goal is to carry as little as possible in the backpack.

I’m not hiking, so it doesn’t matter how much I carry. But still, I like the idea of a minimalistic, simple tent. I looked at all the other tents. They are just too huge. I don’t need all that space. I don’t even need to stand up. I don’t even *want* to stand up. I want the tent to be a tiny crawlspace, a little tunnel, which is so low to the ground that it will be hard for anyone to see from far away through the brush. Not only are the ‘real’ tents too huge, they also have these unexplained ‘layers’ and ‘panels’ and ‘flaps’ and things. Are all those layers and panels and flaps really necessary? Some little piece of fabric extends over the edge of some other piece of contrasting colored fabric, and it’s all complicated, and it’s some special design with some special purpose.

It’s the same as a pair of shoes. Have you ever looked at how unnecessarily complicated your shoe fabric is? The shoes often have hundreds of different little panels of contrasting colors and shapes, making it seem as though it’s some really special high-tech design with some special purpose, like it’s uniquely tailored to fit exactly on your foot, but in reality, they don’t fit any better (or they fit worse!) than shoes without all those little panels of fabric. The tents looked like that. I like something which is just made of one single, contiguous, continuous piece of fabric, without those little complex folds and things in it.

It’s supposed to suggest that the tent, or the shoe, ‘evolved’ over time. They added this extra panel because something was needed over there. They added this little ‘gutter’ on the edge of the tent to prevent the rain from dripping down, or something. Well, if I need any of those little evolutionary developments badly enough, I will add them on myself, but I suspect that I can survive without them, and if they were gone, the product (whatever it is) would cost a lot less. I feel that way about *all* products. I don’t like any kind of ‘design’ whatsoever. If something is just a plain rectangular box, I like it that way. I like computers to be like that too. Don’t get me started about how much I hate it when they upgrade Windows and change all the icons and everything, when they were just fine before, and you have to learn it all over again. I didn’t get Windows for the purpose of forcing myself to learn a whole new system every couple years. I got it to perform a function, which is easiest to perform if I can quickly and easily recognize what everything is and what it does.

Anyway, so I want to just get some kind of fabric to make my tent-like object. I did actually buy something today, but I’m not sure it will work, and I haven’t tried it out. I know it *will* work, but it might not be durable for very long. I got a particular type of vinyl which I know I don’t have any weird reactions to. Sometimes I don’t like the way a fabric smells, for instance, a bad-smelling tarp has some kind of toxic, petroleum-like smell coming out of it, and I don’t want to be sleeping on that. Those things weren’t made to be kept in contact with human skin for long periods of time.

That’s another thing. I went to Lowe’s Hardware just to look around and see if there was anything that I might find useful. I was overwhelmed with the hugeness of the store. In the past, I would have gotten a manic desire to buy everything and build everything, which is how I’m ‘supposed’ to feel when I walk in there.

But now, instead, I feel a negative feeling, I feel a dislike of all the unnecessary complexity. Our houses ‘have to’ be built a particular way, and it has to be the modern way, and it has to be modern materials, and that means perfectly-shaped lumber and nails and screws and metal siding and all that. We can’t build a house out of mud and sticks, because that violates the zoning laws, or the fire codes. Our modern houses have millions and millions of tiny little pieces that make up all the complex systems. Every little piece of plumbing has a unique, special shape. There are hundreds of different sizes of screws. You might choose something made of a special metal alloy instead of some other metal alloy because it has specific physical and chemical properties that you need.

Everything is made by the millions in a factory somewhere – usually China – by some automated process. If they’re able to make it, then they want to be able to sell it. They try to ‘create the market’ for something, create a need for it. There are many people out there who *want* us to depend on factory-made items instead of making anything ourselves from local materials.

A lot of these materials are toxic. Toxic building materials are a relatively new phenomenon, from what I’ve read. I know I’ve had reactions while handling various things that I bought from Lowe’s – I’m not blaming Lowe’s in particular, it’s the entire system and the entire economy causing this to happen – I was trying to use ceiling tiles a while back, and had horrible reactions to them. So I am very cautious about which types of materials I use for things. A lot of things weren’t meant to be in direct contact with human skin for long periods of time, and yet, there is no warning label that says that you shouldn’t be lying directly on a tarp, for instance, because of whatever horrible petroleum-smelling chemical is in it.

I said ‘What the hell?’ whenever I looked at a panel – I think it was a countertop, or something – and it said ‘melamine coating.’ Melamine??? Isn’t that the same poisonous substance that accidentally got into the pet food a few years ago, causing a large number of pet deaths from kidney failure? And they use that as a coating on countertops? Oh, I’m sure they would reassure us that it’s safe when it’s in solid form and when all you’re doing is touching it with your hands. But after my experiences, I know that a lot of things go directly through the skin, and I would not want to have a melamine-coated countertop or whatever it was at my house.

I just googled ‘melamine coated countertop’ and I saw some results that mentioned particle board. Particle board is another toxic building material. It emits formaldehyde fumes. – Yes, it turns out that melamine is indeed the contaminant that was in the pet food in 2007. They also say ‘cyanuric acid’ was in there, but I don’t know anything about that. Oh, it’s something added to melamine.

This is another reason why I don’t want to live in a house. Toxic building materials. Why should we be forced to build our houses out of this stuff, when we could just live in a much simpler house with less of everything? Just four walls, and nothing else. No perfectly smooth countertops or particle boards. But no, everything has to look a certain way, perfectly polished and smooth and modern looking.

When I was at Lowe’s, I picked up a book. I had picked up a book and read it for several minutes earlier today, actually. I was at Wal-Mart near the camping section, and I picked up an atlas of Pennsylvania, not an ordinary atlas, but a hiking atlas. It had a lot of information about trails and wildlife and things like that. I got very involved in reading it. The same thing happened when I picked up this book at Lowe’s. It was a do-it-yourself book about the self-sufficient home, or something like that, but I can’t remember the exact title. I’ve been reading about off-the-grid living for many years, but reading it in a book was much nicer than reading it on the web. Reading anything at all in a book is easier than reading it on a computer screen. It’s physically easier for the eyes. It’s also easier to flip through the book and glance around for things that interest you. I sat there for many, many minutes reading through that book.

Afterwards I was fantasizing that someone would write a do-it-yourself book, with pictures, of Primitive Arctic Survival. Or Inuit Lifestyle, or something. But it must be the primitive lifestyle, not the post-genocide semi-modernized lifestyle. That would be a great book for *all* indigenous cultures, not just the Arctic. How do they make their houses, their tools, their food, their clothes, their boats and carts and other forms of transportation? How do you do it? What’s the algorithm to follow? Do A, then B, then C. I want to know. I don’t want it to just be a book with photos of ‘all their cool stuff.’ I want it to be how-to instructions. First you cut along this length with a knife, and then you glue it together using this glue you made earlier, and so on. (I was watching a video about how to make homemade arrows with arrowheads made of flint, which is what I’m thinking of, but I want it to be in book form.)

That’s it for now. I will probably remember things I forgot to say afterwards.

Scouted out a camping spot today, but didn’t set it up yet.

January 24, 2012

4:05 PM 1/24/2012

I am exhausted today, and my head still hurts from caffeine withdrawal, and I expect it to continue hurting at least till tomorrow – it hurt for three days the last time I quit caffeine.

I got a little bit more useful work done today. I walked around at one of the places where I am thinking of camping. It’s going to be a horribly long bike ride to work. When I drive it in my car, it seems short, but I know I am going to hate the bike ride. If I have to, I’ll take the bus.

But I haven’t actually started living there yet. I just walked around. I found a sort of flat spot that was a little bit away from the path, but I could still see the path from there. I have this feeling of denial about that – I say ‘Nobody will look.’ It’s quite possible that somebody will, in fact, look. I just don’t want to go really really far away from the path if I’m going to be dragging my bike through the woods.

So I might try to put up some little waterproof plastic tent-like thing there, and put some bags of stuff that I don’t mind losing, like, some bags of extra clothes that are taking up space in my car. Then I will write a note somewhere in the tent saying that yes, I live here, this isn’t abandoned, and if you want to contact me, then write to this email address. Then, if anyone finds it and says ‘Whoever this is, they’re not allowed to live here,’ and gets all angry about it, they will know who to talk to. That might prevent them from just throwing my stuff away, or something. I wouldn’t put anything there unless it was something I was willing to lose.

So I think that’s how I will start. It will be just an extra storage unit that I’m not paying for. But sooner or later I have to start sleeping there.

I liked it that there were a lot of fallen trees on the ground there. However, it also made me anxious that there was one more tree that looked rotten and looked like it could fall sometime in the future. They seem to be mostly pine trees that are falling. I chose a spot that was far enough away from the one rotten tree that it might not reach, and if it did reach, it would be blocked by several other trees that were in the way.

On another topic, it occurred to me that it would be inconvenient to study a language if I didn’t have the CD player hooked up to my netbook, but again, I can hook it up when I’m ready to. So I might not be using it just to rent movies. I was thinking about getting CDs from the library, and had a desire to get one, but realized I couldn’t. I’m not firmly committed to studying anything right now, and if I did, it would be just a temporary whim and not a completed project. Also, since I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know which language to study. Inuktitut isn’t available on library CDs everywhere, but French is, and I should probably learn French if I go to Canada.

I just feel bored and frustrated and would like to study *something*. I like challenges. But I don’t want to study anything that I’m not going to use, and I don’t want to start studying something and then abandon it later because I didn’t really want to study it or use it. Most of the time, those urges come from ‘them’ pushing me to do something while I’m under the influence of drug residues.

I’m finding it hard to think, partly because there’s nothing new to say. So I’ll just post this. I did actually do useful work today – I chose a potential spot that I am seriously considering, however, I know that I will hate the bike ride back and forth. It isn’t so much the distance as it is the hill. But it’s downhill on the way towards work, so that will be easier. The hardest part will be coming home from work. But anyway, I might have a place. I just have to start setting up the tent-like object and putting a couple of not-badly-needed belongings into it and leaving them there for now.

Rested, played games, cleaned out the trash, watched ‘Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close’

January 23, 2012

5:22 PM 1/23/2012

Last night I watched ‘Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.’ I had read a review, but I had totally forgotten what the review said the movie was about. I was doubtful. I saw the movie poster, and it was a picture of a traumatized-looking face covering its mouth and weeping. Then I saw that it was by the same people who made ‘The Reader,’ which was a depressing movie with a horrible ending, and so I expected I was going to be watching something like that.

But this movie turned out to be great. It was a sweet, lovable LII child, and his ESE mother, and some other ESE characters. His father seemed to be an LII too, and probably his grandfather as well. They all shrugged their shoulders in a particular way, which I thought was interesting, because the ILE at McDonald’s also has a very recognizable, noticeable, characteristic shoulder shrug gesture. I was amazed at the facial expressions that the Mr. Black guy was able to make (he was another of the ESE characters), the Mr. Black who was the ex-husband of the very first Mrs. Black that the boy had spoken to in the beginning. His facial expressions were subtle and constantly changing, but clearly visible and open, not suppressed, not hidden.

So I really enjoyed the movie, and didn’t feel depressed or traumatized afterwards.

I’m assuming that I’m on vacation right now. I’ve quit caffeine today, which is usually very helpful when I need to get big, difficult projects done that require me to be well rested and calm. I slept in very late, and then I spent the day playing my video game – I helped some Purbles choose their new outfits, and I uncovered the mysterious hidden tiles, but I didn’t manufacture any cake orders today, as that’s gotten to be too easy now that I’ve figured out the secret. The secret, for the cake factory, is: don’t push the ‘forward’ button. That counts as an extra ‘move,’ and so, new waxed papers will get dropped sooner the more moves you make. You want to reduce the number of moves. So, let the cakes sit there till the timer pushes them to the next station, and then quickly do every single thing to every cake that you’re able to do at those stations. If you get too many waxed papers built up, you can’t back up the cake to drop the new layers on top of it. Now that I’ve figured out that you mustn’t push the ‘forward’ button, I have all the time in the world to slowly make the cakes, and I never make mistakes anymore, and I’m guaranteed to win on the hardest setting.

But I still fail over and over on the hardest setting of the Purble Pairs game, because my short-term memory is bad. I’ve started focusing on only one small quadrant at a time, a box of four by four blocks, and that helps, but I still can’t win if there’s a timer running. So, that’s my video game story. That’s what I mean when I say that I’m doing things merely to endure the passage of time. The game is very simple and boring. Thankfully, it’s boring, because it won’t bother me very much when I stop playing it. I won’t be in the middle of a huge, unfinished mission, discovering amazing new worlds, the way I would if it were a third-person shooter/swordfighter game or something. If I abandon the Purbles now, their lives will continue on as though I had never visited them, and they won’t be upset about it.

After I finally got up out of bed, I cleaned the trash out of the car. This was a very big project, because I hadn’t been feeling well enough for several weeks, and so the car was filling up with junk and garbage and cups and paper bags and it was a huge mess. But I finally got the trash bags into the trunk. I’ll get them into the dumpster tomorrow.

I still have to organize a couple boxes and things in here. I have this box of ‘frequently used items’ in the passenger seat. However, over time, it became a box of ‘intermittently used items,’ and then ‘rarely used items,’ and then ‘a bunch of junk that I can’t even dig through anymore,’ and soon, if I ever needed anything, it was probably buried so far down in the box that I couldn’t find it under all the other stuff. And then, the box split open on the side, and everything is spilling out. So I need to get a new box set up, and get rid of stuff in the box that I don’t need anymore, and organize it again. This type of thing is a big deal when you live in a small car and you don’t have room for lots of junk. I already have too many bags and things in the back seat.

I was thinking about hunting whales. whales are the equivalent of the woolly mammoths. (Does ‘woolly’ have two L’s or one?) They are a very large animal that can feed a lot of people. And if you hunt them in a polar region, then the cold temperatures preserve the bodies of the whales without refrigeration, so the meat will last a long time. There are other ways of preserving meat, and I hope to someday learn how to preserve food at room temperature – that’s one of my long-term important projects, on my list of things that I want to know. Anyway, we can’t hunt woolly mammoths anymore, but whales will support the type of human community that would have otherwise been hunting mammoths.

Joe Paterno died, but I never watch football, and I never paid much attention to Joe Paterno. But the news media is here now, or at least they were yesterday, and there was a huge traffic jam. I don’t know what people were doing, whether they were just driving in there to drive past the statue, or past his house, or what. Someone told me they were leaving flowers at the house or something, if I recall. I don’t have much of a feeling for Joe Paterno, but it seemed strange to me that he suddenly got cancer out of nowhere, right after the big scandal that happened, and I wondered if somebody did something to him that caused him to get cancer, some kind of attack. I’m more inclined to believe in that kind of thing, because of my own experiences with evil people. Evil people really exist, and they really do stupid shit like that. They would think they were doing a good deed for the world by killing somebody who had some vague and indirect connection to somebody who was a pedophile, regardless of whether he actually had any responsibility at all or not.

This is only my first day, and I haven’t gotten anything done except routine maintenance and game-playing and resting and caffeine withdrawal.

I expect that by the end of this vacation, I will have some kind of tent-like thing in the woods, with some of my belongings being stored in it, and I expect that I will also have a bike, which might be tied to a tree near the tent-like thing. I won’t be getting rid of the car, and probably won’t stop using it yet. But I will try to start testing the bike and seeing how comfortably I can ride it to various places, versus taking the bus. I’ll have to learn how to ride the bus, because I’ve only ridden it a couple times before, and I don’t know where all the routes go or how much it costs.

I will probably see a lot of movies. I tend to do that when I’m on vacation, when it gets dark early, when I’m lonely and despairing and it’s cold outside. It costs a lot to see the movies. I can’t rent movies anymore – every single rental place has closed, and… I haven’t tried anything like Netflix, or one of those Redbox rentals, not yet – I’m reluctant to try. I don’t want to try something new which will become a new habit that has to be broken. I’d rather just not know how to do those things. I’d rather just not be signed up for anything. It’s best if I just occasionally go through phases where I watch a lot of movies at the theaters, and then go through phases where I don’t watch any at all. If I were conveniently and easily renting lots of DVDs and watching them on my netbook, then I might do nothing but rent movies all the time. I don’t want it to be convenient for me to watch movies.

My netbook actually doesn’t have a CD player on it. I did buy one, which could be attached, but it’s still in the box, and the box has never been opened, and I just have it with me in case I ever need to run a program that requires a CD or DVD. So technically, I could use that and watch DVDs on my netbook. But it’s a good thing that it hasn’t been set up yet and I can’t do it conveniently and easily. The box is buried in some bags and stuff in the back seat of my car, and I don’t know exactly where it is, and it’s a pain to go hunting and digging back there. So I will just go to the theaters temporarily and watch a lot of movies for a little while, and then go back to normal.

I have some kind of disgusting disease in my nose, mouth, and throat. I feel horrible.

January 22, 2012

12:01 PM 1/22/2012

I’m sitting at McD just using the wifi and recharging my netbook.

I’ve been sick the past couple days with a head cold. It’s making me exhausted at work, and since work has been slow, I’ve been doing things like just sitting down on the floor till we get an order, or playing with the netbook for a long time while still punched in. I played games yesterday and finally got excused a little bit early.

Last night was horrible. I was having the ‘fountain of drool’ phenomenon, where saliva just pours and pours and pours out of your mouth for hours. It was disgusting and it made it impossible to sleep. I finally slept after I got so dehydrated that I couldn’t drool anymore. I think this drooling thing is connected to my plastic dental fillings, because it happens the most on the side with the fillings, and because it never used to happen to me in the past – it’s a new phenomenon. I mean, it happens when I’m sick, but the plastic dental fillings are the actual cause of it. I could be sick, without the fillings, and it wouldn’t happen, or at least, not as badly.

I was reading some random stuff on the net, following one thing after another, and started reading about Type 2 diabetes. I recalled that it was caused by bisphenol-A, bpa.

I want to remove these resin fillings, and I’ve been planning to do it myself, because dentists won’t do it – they will only remove a filling and replace it with a different one, and they refuse to leave any cavity unfilled. I will use my own drill, probably a very slow speed hand-cranked drill so that I am not at risk of hurting myself.

The hardest part will be trying to see which part is the filling, and which part is the tooth. I would like to stain, or dye, the plastic, so that it contrasts with the tooth. I’ve been trying to research the staining and discoloration of tooth-colored fillings, but it was hard for me to find information about what types of substances will stain them, and it probably varies with the type of plastic.

For the past couple days, I’ve been angry about the enormity of the damage that the murderers have done to my life. They destroyed something which could have been, at least, a simple friendship with Rick. Now I have to start all over and look for someone completely new, and somehow get into that person’s social circle and meet them in person. This might require me to move from place to place, and when the attempted relationship fails, move again to another town. How many cities will I have to move to before I find someone who becomes a successful relationship?

The impossibility of a good relationship is the main reason why I am interested in providing for my children myself. I simply don’t feel hopeful at all about being able to have a relationship with anybody. Most people are not intelligent enough, and they bore me, and I don’t admire them, and my feelings for them are lukewarm.

In the cities, I will be controlled by the murderers, who will force me to say the worst possible things to the person, in order to harm the relationship. Again, thinking about all this is making me very angry about the damage that the murderers are doing to my life. The only way to find intelligent IEEs is to go to the cities, because they seem to flee from isolated rural areas and go directly to ‘social centers’ where they can meet a lot of people. I *hate* cities, I absolutely hate them, and I never, ever, ever want to live in a city, but that is the only place to find intelligent people concentrated in one area. I simply cannot tolerate the city. I hate the concrete, I hate the asphalt, I hate the buildings, I hate the lack of grass and trees and soil, I hate the noise, I hate the car exhaust, I hate the presence of the murderers who will continue to attack me anytime I am within reach.

I have a conflict between my instinctive desire to escape from the murderers, versus the need to find an intelligent person who lives in a city. I don’t know for certain that geographic isolation will keep the murderers away from me. I just need to experience it, I need to go to an isolated place, I need to find out if it helps.

I also have a conflict between my desire to live a subsistence lifestyle, versus my desire to permanently save large amounts of wealth in the form of gold and silver coins. Gold and silver are not available in subsistence cultures. That’s the definition of subsistence. They are not producing goods and trading them in large quantities in exchange for ‘money,’ quote unquote, however ‘money’ is defined, and part of my definition of money is something that is able to purchase gold and silver, because gold and silver are the only real money. Copper, too. I just mean, precious metals, and metals in general, are money, and gold and silver are the ones with the slowest declining marginal utility. (‘Declining marginal utility’ – economic jargon – it means that the more of something you have, the less you want to get more of it. If you have 100 apples, you’re not really interested in getting one more apple. But if you have 100 gold coins, you are still interested in getting one more.)


…my conflict between wanting to live a subsistence lifestyle, so that I can feed my children without being ’employed’ at a ‘job,’ and also, without having to study for years and years, or start up my own home business or freelance business which will also take years and years to become profitable – I want to avoid doing anything that requires many years before it becomes profitable. I know that I could support my children with some kind of home business or other ‘job,’ but it would be the type of job that I could not just walk out and get right away – I would need training or education. I would need to be able to have my children in the workplace with me, which means, a home business.

I am assuming that I will not be able to find a good relationship, and that I will be raising my children alone, as a single mother. I can’t imagine being able to find a relationship, being able to find anyone whose company I can endure, anyone who can agree with me about how to raise our children. I am imagining that I will have to get a ‘sperm donor,’ and I don’t want to get just anybody, I want it to be someone intelligent who I strongly admire. Even though I cannot be in a relationship with that person, I will be bonded with them in a way by having their children. We won’t live together, and he won’t support us financially. That is what I am assuming, because I can’t imagine that it could ever be possible for me to find a good relationship. There are so few people who I can endure, and in the cities, I know that I will be forced to destroy every attempted relationship because of the murderers making me do stupid things. Even without the drug residues, I will still be attacked.

The summary of what I’ve been thinking: Everything that’s happened to me makes me assume that a long-term relationship is impossible. I will have to get a sperm donor and raise the children alone, which means I must provide for them. I can’t endure the presence of anyone else in my life, but I would have been able to if I hadn’t been constantly attacked and tortured by the murderers. It is because of the murderers that I cannot endure even simple company with ordinary people. They constantly exhaust my social energy, making me desire nothing on earth except to escape from the constant noise (constant electromagnetic disturbances, disruption of my thoughts, etc). This is another one of the things making me very angry over the last couple of days, and I’m sick with this cold, which puts me into an even worse mood than usual, an even more hopeless and miserable and angry mood.

I’ve been reading about subsistence whale hunting, and I’m really interested in it. I had mentioned colonizing Antarctica. If we could establish subsistence whale hunting using boats made with primitive materials, we would be able to survive down there.

I don’t know exactly when my vacation is, but it might possibly start tomorrow. The new schedule isn’t up, but I seem to recall something about ‘the 31st,’ when I asked my manager about it, and I think he might have said ‘the 25th through the 31st.’ I will have to build the shack, and I would like to buy a bike. I am going to have to get a lot of layers of clothing, especially for my hands and my face, if I’m riding a bike in freezing weather.

The purpose of getting into the shack is to get out of my car and away from the drug residues, and also to stop paying for car-related expenses, such as gas and maintenance and repair. I don’t know how long I will be able to live in the shack before somebody says ‘Hey! You’re not allowed to live there!’ It might be a few months, or it might be a week. I have absolutely no idea. I’ve never tried this before. I don’t want to live in a ‘house’ anymore. I have had too many problems with environmental illness, from things like mold and also from my own drug residues and other people’s drug residues. I don’t want to fight the battle of arguing with somebody ‘You have to remove and throw away every one of your drug-covered belongings, and throw away every piece of furniture, and rip out the carpet, and replace it with an easily-cleaned vinyl floor.’ I just don’t want to waste my energy in that fight. I am just going to live in my own little shack instead.

Sickness, misery, despair – that is all I have felt for the past few days.

I believe that cold viruses literally fall from the sky with precipitation. I was reading someplace about how disease outbreaks correlate with high levels of precipitation, but according to their theory, this was caused by the fact that precipitation caused flooding and caused the water table to mix together with sewage leaks and to overflow the sewage system. That might be partly true, and it is a good theory.

However, I notice disease outbreaks that happen instantly even with a small dusting of snow, which doesn’t get anywhere near overflowing the water systems. It happens before the snow has even melted. The snow falls from the sky, and huge numbers of people instantly get sick at the same time, even though they have not been exposed to other people who are sick.

Precipitation could contain viruses which have evaporated from the ocean. Viruses might be created out in the ocean, spontaneously. ‘Organic soup’ is needed to create self-replicating life forms, and they say that if it gets struck by lightning, that might be enough to give it the electricity that it needs. ‘Organic soup’ is out in the ocean – the entire ocean is a pool of organic soup. Maybe a new virus is created every time lightning strikes the ocean. Maybe the same viruses get created again and again, or similar viruses, because they come from an organic soup with a similar composition of substrates. Maybe it’s highly probable that a particular pool of organic soup will always create a Norovirus every time it gets struck by lightning, but there will be subtle variations in its DNA (or RNA, or whatever viruses have).

It would explain why entire cruise ships get the Norovirus while they are out at sea. The virus comes from nowhere, from nothing. Yet the entire ship gets it at once. It has to simply be out in the ocean. They say that oysters in particular locations contain ‘indigenous’ Noroviruses. Those indigenous Noroviruses have to be created from scratch, somewhere, somehow. They do not necessarily come from predecessors. Most people assume that the ‘creation of new life’ is long since over. They assume that everything in existence today came from a predecessor, from a parent, from something alive before it. But viruses might still be getting created every day from scratch, for the very first time, in the organic soup, the same way that life was first created millions of years ago.

And so… when the new viruses come to life, they evaporate along with the water vapor that forms the clouds in the sky. I would like somebody to analyze the content of the clouds to find out whether vaporized viruses really are floating around up there. It would make so much sense. It would explain so much.

Why was I talking about that? I have to reread.

I’m not sure what I was getting at. I’ve written that same theory many times in the past, and it’s what I believe. It would explain the reason why there’s an old wives’ tale saying that if you merely go out in the rain, you will catch a cold. Maybe that isn’t a superstition. Maybe it’s true.

Anyway. I’m just suffering through the passage of time until I have to go to work this afternoon. I’m writing, but I could be playing video games instead. I could just play Purble Place for hours and hours, but Purble Place gets boring after a while. Writing isn’t as boring for me. However, it’s boring for my readers, who are tired of reading about misery and suffering. It’s hard to spend a long time reading about someone else’s misery.

Effective countermeasure: snowstorm temporarily stops electronic attacks.

January 21, 2012

11:13 AM 1/21/2012

There was a big snowstorm last night. I noticed something which I had noticed before, several years ago, during a big snowstorm. I noticed this mysterious, unexplainable feeling of peace and quietness, and I didn’t know why. That was before I knew about the electronic attacks. Tonight, I knew why. The attacks stopped.

There is still a background noise. That background noise contains voices. However, it does not cause anywhere near as much disruption as another type of attack. There are many different types of attack, and each one feels different and has different symptoms.

The severe attacks stopped. I was able to sit there thinking, uninterrupted, with focus, for long periods of time. I could still hear the background noise, but it wasn’t disruptive. I know I would be better off without the background noise, though.

After the snowplows started clearing the roads, the severe attacks began again. Soon, I was being forced to fall asleep suddenly, and see images and hear voices and get completely distracted from whatever I was thinking, but only after the snowplows had somewhat started clearing the roads.

It suggests that the murderers really are driving around in their cars, as some victims believe. I don’t know what to believe.

If the silencing effect were caused merely by the snow itself, then it would still be happening the whole time the snow was here. The silence effect was temporary and it only lasted as long as the roads were all covered with snow and nobody could drive around.

This makes me hopeful that maybe geographic isolation really would be an effective countermeasure against most of the attacks, although the background noise attack might still be going on. I suspect that the background noise will exist anyplace where radio exists, and some of it might be intentional, and some of it might be unintentional (electromagnetic pollution, an unwanted side effect of using radio for innocent purposes).

It was nice to have a short period of time during which I could think clearly. I tried to think about Rick and about the reasons why I haven’t gotten married yet. Is it because I haven’t loved anyone enough? Is it because of all the other problems I’ve been having? And I am clear about the fact that it would be extremely unnatural for me to go looking for Rick after he had said ‘no’ to me. I have always taken the first ‘no’ as a permanent, eternal no. If someone says ‘no’ to me even once, then they are gone from my life forever. It is totally unnatural for me to keep going after somebody after they say no. That is against my character. No means no, for the rest of eternity. If you don’t *mean* ‘no,’ then don’t EVER say no to me, unless you want to be completely abandoned forever afterwards – don’t play around with that flirtatious ‘no means yes’ bullcrap. No means ‘goodbye forever.’

Rick isn’t able to accept the reality of my torture, of the fact that I am the victim of a crime. He doesn’t believe that I actually am a mind-controlled puppet who is not in control of my own actions. I could have possibly overlooked that, and I could have made it my separate side project to do research on mind control countermeasures, however, he has said ‘no’ to me very clearly several different times, not just because of mind control, but because of everything in general.

I don’t necessarily expect to find a husband who believes that I really am a mind-controlled puppet who is being forced to say things and being forcibly prevented from thinking, by people who initiate spontaneous attacks against innocent victims who have done nothing to them at all, except simply existing. There really are people on earth who spontaneously initiate attacks against innocent people who have done nothing to them. If you don’t believe that is true, then you are ignorant about human nature. It is real. It really happens.

However, if my husband didn’t believe that I am being attacked, I would go on and continue to do my research, as needed. It would be a hobby that he wasn’t interested in. It would be an activity that I was doing with my ‘other friends,’ somebody other than him. I would feel somewhat alone, still, because I really want to have my husband by my side in this war, but I will probably have to do without that support. It’s mostly women who are being attacked, not men, and so I will have to join with women socially to research the countermeasures, and it won’t be the same as having my soulmate supporting me. But if that is all that I can get, then that is what I will have to take.

There are times when I feel very frustrated about people’s disbelief. Don’t you understand that there are really evil people out there who want to spontaneously attack other people for no reason other than because they can, because they can get away with it? Haven’t you ever met any bullies, in school, or anywhere else in your life? Haven’t you ever encountered any sociopaths, people who would stab you in the back, people who lie constantly about everything?

Those people learned about the methods of electronically attacking and controlling people, and they developed those methods, and now they have advanced technologies that they use, technologies which have been evolving over all the centuries since electricity was first discovered.

But oh well. I only observed this morning that most of the attacks stopped, except the background noise, because of the snowstorm, and I had also observed a similar ‘peaceful silence’ many years ago during a similar snowstorm, but back then, I didn’t know the reason why. It is only temporary, only as long as the roads are buried in snow and no one can drive around.

My vacation will be very soon. It’s possible that I will get a lot of snow while I’m trying to build my shack. But I think I will have to just do it anyway.

Yes, if I had found a man who understood me, if he had believed me and interpreted it the same way I do (instead of, for instance, Peter, and another guy, both of whom are slightly tolerant of the idea that hearing voices in my head is caused by attacks from supernatural, evil spirits instead of humans using electronic weapons – but yet still they do slightly tolerate the idea that I am being attacked by something evil which is outside myself, and that is an important, key belief) – yes, if I had found that person, I might have already gotten started, I might have married. I don’t know if the hackers have deleted letters that people have tried to send me. It’s possible that I would have found someone but they were unable to reach me. I don’t know. I would have to find them using completely offline methods.

But for the past few years, I have wanted to get rid of the drug residues first, and that was the reason why I did not put all my effort into finding someone. All attempts that I made were forced, and completely unnatural and unsustainable.

Nunavut needs primitive weapons for self-reliance.

January 19, 2012

I want to know about the primitive hunting methods that the Inuit used to use before they had guns.

I have read that they used to trade with other people to get metallic objects. They traded with somebody from Europe or Greenland or something, somebody like the Vikings, but I can’t remember who it was. So they had some metallic objects, but not guns, for a while, and I want to know what they were doing during that time period. They were trading with those people by boat.

How did they hunt whales? Did they hunt them while sitting in a boat? Did they use harpoons? The only wood that they had was driftwood from the ocean, according to something on one of the videos that I watched. How did they shoot the harpoons? Did they simply throw it with the strength of their arms, or did they use some kind of projectile weapon, like a bow and arrow harpoon?

One reason why I want to know about this is because of the economic insecurity of Nunavut. It’s hard for them to buy anything that costs ‘money.’ It’s hard for them to obtain any ‘money’ at all – that is, government-approved paper money. They have ‘objects of value,’ but bartering is sort of unknown or taboo or frowned upon or something – whenever they were forced to become mainstream modern people, they were also forced to accept the modern economic system with its paper money. But a barter market is necessary for them.

And I just read that ‘hunting equipment is very expensive’ – it was mentioned in that pdf file, the one where I said that they had a low rate of heart attacks. Therefore, it’s good for them if they can remember how to create their own primitive hunting equipment, so that they don’t have to rely on an insecure supply of expensive hunting equipment that comes from faraway places and that requires paper money to purchase.

They have a lot of tuberculosis, exactly the thing that Weston Price observed in malnourished primitive people who were in the process of adjusting to modern lifestyles. They would be eating the worst of the worst food, just packaged flour and canned food and things like that. They are so extremely poor, and prices are so high, that that is all that they can afford. And if they can’t afford to buy modern guns, then they can’t hunt either, if they’ve forgotten how to make their own.

I’ve looked at websites that talk about making primitive weapons. I am fascinated with this, and I greatly admire it, but I am also nervous about it, because I’ve never built anything myself. It would make me feel very proud and very satisfied if I hand-crafted something of my own, for once in my life, and it worked and it was good. The only ‘crafting’ that I’ve ever done was in shop class in middle school, where we did things like carve wood on a lathe. I’ve done a little bit of artwork, and a little tiny bit of sewing. It’s hard to learn how to craft things unless someone shows you a technique – you have to reinvent the wheel, when somebody else out there knows a quick and easy way to do it. There are techniques that just don’t occur to you.

I’m remembering something I read somewhere. This is vague and unspecific. I remember reading that people used to believe that people would chip flint to make arrowheads. They assumed that somebody would start with a big chunk of flint and then whittle it down. But somebody else discovered that it was possible to start with a big chunk, then break off big pieces from it, and the broken-off shards would already be very thin and sharp and would need hardly any more carving. So it was better to use the broken-off pieces instead of the one big main piece. I know, it’s hard to explain, but the idea is that there are techniques that make things quicker and easier, and they might not occur to you right away, and it helps to have other people trying things and sharing their techniques.

There was also a story about a chimp or a bonobo, I forget which, who was being tested for intelligence. He was supposed to break rocks to make something sharp, and he had been shown how to do it. He had to accomplish some kind of a goal to get something. So he started breaking the rocks the ‘wrong way,’ and the scientists who were watching him kept trying to urge him to do it the ‘right way’ that they had shown him, but it turned out that the ape’s ‘wrong way’ was actually faster, better, and more effective than the way that the scientists had originally shown him.

Anyway, I want to imagine if somebody would take it seriously, the need for primitive weapons and small-scale barter in Nunavut. I want to explain how and why it’s so important for them to remember how to make their own primitive weapons that they don’t have to buy. I just have this feeling that no one would take me seriously if I tried to explain that. But it feels very serious to me. It feels like that is exactly the type of solution that they need up there – go back to stone-age tools that they can make by themselves using only local materials, instead of things that they have to buy with paper money, which is very hard for them to obtain. Primitive tools are exactly what they need for self-reliance. This is something that I have instinctively felt for a very long time. If somebody cuts off your connection to the larger economy, if they make it impossible for you to earn a living, then you have to make things yourselves locally. Nunavut is so isolated that that is exactly the sort of place where that would be true.

I’ve been half-jokingly calling Nunavut ‘Hell On Earth.’ But actually, Antarctica might be closer to hell on earth. Still, Nunavut is hell. My other half-joke is, Nunavut is a place where no one in their right mind wants to go, which is exactly the reason why I want to go there. I feel that it is undiscovered, undervalued, a place where no one would look, a place no one cares about, a place that nobody wants to bother with. Of course, when they discover oil up there, they will want to go there. But even so, it won’t ever be a very popular place for people to go and live there just for the heck of it. I like it because it is unpopular. I like it because nobody goes there. I like it because nobody else wants it. I feel like it’s ‘my’ place, my very own place where nobody else has ever gone. I feel like I’m the first person on earth who has ever gone there. I know there have been people living there for a long time, but still, I don’t hear random people around me, in my culture, talking about all the vacations they’ve taken to Nunavut. I don’t feel like everyone around me has discovered it first.

I don’t know why, but I have always been attracted to non-mainstream things. If everyone else is doing something, I instinctively want to avoid it. (Harry Potter is the exception to this rule. Harry Potter is hugely popular, and yet, I absolutely love Harry Potter.) Maybe I should be more specific, and say that in the ‘business’ realm, I want to do things no one else is doing. I’ve fantasized about starting my own business, but if I were a farmer, I wouldn’t want to just grow a field of corn like all the other farmers are doing. I would want to find obscure, esoteric, foreign vegetables and herbs that nobody else knew about. I’d want to get exotic animals that no one else had in their herds. I have that same sort of feeling about Nunavut. It’s undervalued. It’s a steal. It’s like buying Microsoft stock 20 years ago.

I just want to know how to make primitive weapons, and how to use them. It has to be possible. The natives were doing it, all that time, somehow, with only a minimal amount of trading with the outside world. They were self-reliant. How did they make boats? Has everyone forgotten, or do some of them still know how?

This is a time of inflation. Transportation costs are getting higher. Nunavut needs more self-reliance. Primitive tools might be laughed at by the outside world, but which is worse – starving and being malnourished and sick all the time, or, relying on your own handmade primitive tools while the developed world laughs at you? It really is important for them to make their own weapons so they don’t have to buy expensive guns and bullets that they can’t afford anymore.

What if they have no weapons, and as a result, they can’t even kill enough animals to make furs and skins that can be sold? Furs are valuable. They have always been bartered for modern products. They don’t have a ‘cash crop’ growing there – they don’t have plant products that can reliably be bartered or sold for paper money – but animal furs are the equivalent of a cash commodity. So they need to at least have enough hunting equipment to get started gathering furs. And if they can’t even do that, then they just sit around unemployed, waiting for help. No wonder the situation is so terrible there. I said it was hell on earth.

It’s the ‘dignity’ of making your own primitive tools. Imagine the dignity you would feel doing that. You would feel a sense of doing something very important and noble, something that had been forgotten, something that the invaders destroyed in the genocide. It would be like reclaiming the things that they had destroyed.

I was thinking tonight about the idea of ‘conflict is universal,’ as I had been saying a couple days ago. Everyone, everywhere, has been assimilated. We were all, in the past, primitive indigenous people, and we have all been assimilated into the modern lifestyle. Everyone everywhere, whether they are our friends or our enemies, they are all assimilated. All of us have forgotten something we used to know. All of us are helpless and dependent in some way because of the modern lifestyle. Some people will deny it, if you try to tell them that a different way of living exists, that they don’t have to live the way that they are living now. If you tell them it’s possible to live without carpeted floors, and automobiles, and television sets, to them that’s unthinkable. They don’t remember how life used to be. But even if they don’t remember it, still, they were assimilated. Everyone everywhere has been forced to forget something they used to know, something they ought to know. It’s just easier for some people to remember it than for others.

A bad reaction with tachycardia; the third sleeping bag; and, indoor plumbing is the root of all evil

January 19, 2012

9:59 AM 1/19/2012

I’m still living in my car, midway through January. I’ve been amazed about how easy it is, and I’m nervous whenever I brag about that, because I get this feeling that ‘the worst is yet to come.’ Winter isn’t over, and yes, even though the sunlight is waxing, increasing, the air will get colder because overall the northern hemisphere is still losing heat. I know about all that. I know January and February are the coldest, and I know that March might be the stormiest – I’ve seen huge blizzards in March before.

But I’ve been able to keep warm sleeping in my car.

Last night I was very annoyed because I had to open up my new sleeping bag, which I had been preserving for an emergency, and last night was the emergency. I was having a very bad reaction to my clothing – tachycardia – my heart rate was 104, and at work yesterday, I was having unwanted moods, excessive sexual arousal, a needy, clingy feeling, feelings of anxiety and insecurity, and other things that I experience whenever I’m having a reaction to the drug residues.

I didn’t just decide arbitrarily that those symptoms were caused by drug residues. I observed it in thousands of individual incidents that happened between now and 1996, when I first started handling and growing fresh medicinal herbs and seeds, and touching them, and noticing my symptoms. And I was using St. John’s Wort in pill form before that, so I have had even more years of experience observing the moods that it causes, in addition to the symptoms caused by the other drugs I handled.

So I started taking off my clothes, because I knew it was from washing andre-wearing contaminated laundry, which always makes it worse. The residues spread all over the laundry. My worst reactions are always after I’ve washed contaminated laundry and put it back on. And no, I’m not reacting to the laundry detergent – again, this is from thousands of incidents over a period of several years.

I am very annoyed by this reaction, because it is putting me at risk of having a problem with my ‘previous stalking victim,’ who has been my friend once again since we started workingn together at McD. If I get too pushy with him, sexually, it is going to cause a problem. We are okay as friends. Yesterday, because of my mood, I was having an intense desire to touch him, and I really desperately wanted to hug somebody.

‘They’ made him a puppet, which they have done many times before, and they made him mention the name ‘Peter’ (in the context of a joke… long story) which was supposed to be a suggestion that I should go see Peter if I needed a hug. I considered that idea, and yes, I can do it if I have to, but I would rather get rid of the drug residues that are causing me to have excessive emotional neediness and touch deprivation and sexual arousal.

It’s been so long since I was completely drug-free that I don’t remember what my sexual cycles used to be like when I was not influenced by drugs. I was mostly asexual. I was definitely less clingy and demanding.

Anyway last night I opened up the new sleeping bag, because I was taking clothes off to reduce the tachycardia. I was just lying there resting in my car seat with a heart rate of 104, which made it impossible to sleep. And no, I had not been running or jogging or anything just a moment before. I had done nothing but sit quietly. After I took off some of the suspected clothes, I got slightly better, and my heart rate went down to 93, which was still uncomfortable, but better.

I had to get out the new sleeping bag because it went below freezing, and I felt strange, slightly sick, like I had a fever, just colder than I wanted to be. I have two sleeping bags that say they’re supposed to go down to 20 degrees Fahrenheit, but I’m glad I never took one on a long hike, because I can barely go below 30 degrees in only one of the bags, and I only feel warm if I have the two bags one inside the other, so I’d have to hike with several sleeping bags. And last night, I added on the new one, which is supposed to go down to zero degrees. I was so thick that my legs could barely fit between the steering wheel and the car seat, and I couldn’t move much, so I mostly curled up in a ball on the car seat, on my side. But the blankets were now extremely warm, perfectly warm, and I didn’t have any difficulty sleeping after that.

Darn it, I don’t have time to write about indoor plumbing. I have to go to work. I was going to write a huge rant about how indoor plumbing is the root of all evil, and how I’ve realized this as a result of living in my car in the winter. It’s so easy to live in my car, so easy to keep warm without heat, that I’ve realized that houses don’t need heat, either. You could sleep indoors with multiple sleeping bags. But why doesn’t anyone do that? Why do they insist that they need the house to be heated? Because the indoor plumbing will freeze, burst, and ruin the house. Therefore, indoor plumbing is the root of all evil. I’m annoyed that I don’t have enough time to talk about this in more detail, but I’ve decided: no indoor plumbing. My shack won’t have it.

Extremely low heart attack rate in Nunavut. Eat more whale blubber!

January 18, 2012

I’m at work and I don’t have time to write about this, but look on page 15. I hope that link works. It’s a pdf file. Nunavut has an extremely low heart attack rate compared to the rest of Canada. Nunavut is where they eat raw seal, raw whale blubber, and that kind of thing…. I was all excited when I saw that graph on that page.

still ruminating about something hard to express

January 18, 2012

11:27 PM 1/17/2012

I did some laundry today, and that’s all that I got done, even though I had a bunch of stuff written down on a to-do list. I feel like I’m having a reaction, and I’m going to have insomnia tonight. I’m sort of clenching my teeth too. I keep trying to stop clenching, but it’s happening involuntarily.

I’m trying to understand something. I’m still obsessing over Rick. I look at his life, I’m jealous of the people he knows, and there is something I want to understand. But I don’t know how to express it in words.

I was rereading the emails and comments that he had written to me during the brief time period when he was able to tolerate talking to me. I was trying, over and over again, to warn him that I was having attacks of mania and that I would be writing excessively to him, in emails and comments, and that I would be doing things that would anger him or upset him, and that I would not be in control of myself while doing this.

But other times, we were just talking about things, when I was still commenting on his blog and he was answering. We were just having a conversation. There was this time period when it seemed like he saw me as this stranger, this person who hadn’t yet done anything terrible, this person out there in the world who was worth talking to, like I could be somebody interesting and wonderful and a potential friend. I say ‘friend,’ but I actually wanted to be something more serious, something more permanently bonded than just a friend.

About ‘jealousy,’ it’s like it doesn’t matter who else he meets and who else he is married to and who else he has extramarital affairs with, it doesn’t matter, if I were having his children, that would be all that I was concerned about. I’m inhibited enough right at this moment that I don’t want to just talk freely about having his children. I cannot know how I will see these ideas whenever I’ve been able to reduce my mania as much as possible. I can’t know in advance how I will see anything or what I will decide, when I am less manic. The mania made it possible to imagine anything at all, no matter how difficult it would be.

Whenever I reread things he wrote when he was speaking to me, it sometimes makes me cry. I am in this world, this hell, which is a separate world from the one that he lives in, not just because I am in another country, but because of the attacks, and because of a long series of events that have separated me from mainstream society.

Do I settle for having someone else’s children? Do I settle for someone who I don’t admire as much? Do I find somebody else who is actually even more desirable than Rick? How do I look for them? And I can’t answer these questions yet. I am trying to see the future. I am trying to see where I go.

There are these vastly different life strategies and career choices. There is a ‘friction’ strategy and there is an ‘avoidance’ strategy. You can fight battles against evil, battles against sickness, battles against anything that is wrong, battles that never end. For instance, you could fight the battle of dismantling the government. You could fight the battle of repealing bad laws. You could be a doctor and fight the battles of diseases and accidents, over and over again, without preventing them from happening in the first place. Or you could create a system that prevents bad things from happening, a system that prevents people from getting sick before it happens. Or you could go someplace where they have fewer bad laws, and in that place, you could start your business with the fewest restrictions, and be most productive. You could focus on good instead of bad, happiness instead of suffering, and create something that totally ignores all the suffering in the world, as though it doesn’t exist, as though you don’t need to do anything about it, as though it’s not an important problem that needs to be solved. You can create things that you would have created if the world had been a peaceful place.

What is my overall strategy? Avoidance? Constant battles that can never end, because conflict is universal and eternal? And it is, conflict is universal and eternal. I know that. It is impossible to live in a problem-free, conflict-free universe. The conflict-free universe does not exist. There will always be conflicts, no matter how small and petty, no matter how huge and terrible they are.

People differ in their degree of awareness of the existence of eternal conflict and suffering. I am conscious of it because I am constantly attacked by electronic weapons. Some people are able to ignore the existence of conflict and suffering. Some people are ignorant of it. Some people know it exists, but they don’t have any idea of just how much there is, and how terrible and enormous it is. I can’t forget about human suffering, because I am constantly under attack. I would not have chosen to constantly focus on pain and suffering and conflict. I would not have wanted that. I would have wanted to create things that had nothing to do with conflict and suffering.

These are big decisions about my life path. What will I do? How will I do it?

How long is the time scale of my plans? Am I building a world that will last beyond my own lifetime? What is the spirit of that world that I will create? What is its character, its strategy, its mission statement? You build something, you give it life, and it lasts beyond your lifetime. How does it survive? It lives in a world of eternal conflict. It could cease to exist. How do you protect it?

I have been thinking about these questions for years and years. This is not new.

Whatever I choose, it has to be something sustainable and realistic, something that I can do with my resources, something that is ‘in character’ for me, instead of being a manic plan that I will never be able to follow through on in reality. The plan, the strategy, has to be real.