Archive for February, 2015

Found a wild persimmon tree; and, Jesse’s not getting my paper letters

February 28, 2015

dried wild persimmons

5:04 PM 2/28/2015

I was out walking nearby the other day, and by sheer luck, I looked up and found a persimmon tree.  There was a clear blue sky, and the sun was shining from behind me.  I looked up into a tree and saw all these little orange balls in the top branches.  I thought it could not possibly be a persimmon tree, because I had walked through that place many times and never seen it before, but there it was.  Usually I would have been walking from the opposite direction with the sun shining in my face, so I wouldn’t have been able to easily see them up in the branches.  It was easy with the blue sky behind them and the leaves all gone.

So today I went out and collected a few dried out ones from around the base of the tree.  There’s a lot of snow there, but there happened to be a sewer drain cover which was bare, and a few persimmons lying on top of that, and a couple in other places I could see.

I ripped them apart and I’m soaking them in water now.  I’ll get the seeds out of them and soak the seeds and try to sprout them.

I wanted to grow pawpaws too, when I lived in Lemont, but at that time I was camping and it wasn’t convenient to do it.  I’d like to go back there again and collect some more.  There might even be little sprouting trees growing under or around the little patch of pawpaws.  So I could pick a little tree that was already growing.  I did have some seeds stored in my tent for a while, but never got around to planting them.  It was hard to do anything at all while camping, and I was working a lot of hours during that time period too, so I had no energy for non-urgent projects like finding a good place to plant some seeds and watch them grow.

Jesse isn’t getting my mail.  I’ve gotten several letters from him, and in each one, he sounds more desperate and lonely, begging me to write to him, showing me how to correctly write his address to make sure that it gets to him.  They’re not getting to him.  I finally became sure of this when I read his most recent letter and he told me, for the third time, how to write his address, and begged me to please write to him.  He hasn’t answered any questions I’ve asked or mentioned anything that I’ve said in my letters.  He seems to be having a one-sided conversation with nobody.

I am going to find out what I can do about this.  I’ve read about a couple other people whose mail wasn’t going through.  Somebody somewhere sets it on a desk and leaves it there, either because they are a malicious sociopath, or because you’re on a list of terrorists, or who knows what.

One girl I know told me the same thing happened to her brother, and they called the base on the phone to find out what was wrong, and as soon as they called, all of a sudden he got all the letters they had sent him.  So I’m thinking of calling to do the same thing.  Today I downloaded something that lets me make free phone calls, and I tested it on my own phone number, and it worked.  I don’t have enough tracfone minutes to use my regular phone.  I just never had a reason to go out and find a way to make phone calls over the internet before.  But now it really matters.

I’ve been drinking coffee.  Yesterday I also had a two liter of Coke.  I was trying to work on my song yesterday in MuseScore.  I have made a little bit of progress.  I have a section done, but it doesn’t have harmony yet, and also, it’s not really ‘done,’ it just has notes filled in, which could be moved around and adjusted to make it sound better.  There is one danger, of making dozens of ‘variations’ of the song, with little adjustments to see how the melody works if it’s written this way, and how it works if it’s written that way, and being unable to choose which one is the final version.  You have to choose eventually if you are going to add harmony and other parts to it.

I won’t be able to write the music if I quit caffeine.  I did not have time to adjust to being completely caffeine-free, and all I did was sleep, and I did a few small house chores, with long breaks in between.  If I weren’t so scared about my money and my need to get food stamps and all that, then I wouldn’t have to use caffeine, but now I have to hurry and try to do things to either get a job or get government assistance.

I won’t be able to travel to see Jesse if I have no money.  But I won’t be able to travel to see him if I have a job and they don’t let me leave work for several days to travel.

I still don’t know where he will be stationed.  This morning, the voices in my head said he was going to Alaska.  Yes, in a lot of ways, that would be awesome.  I was planning to go on a trip to Alaska anyway, or Canada, somewhere in the north, in the Arctic.  I like it up there because the population density is extremely low, and there isn’t any agriculture, so you don’t have thousands and thousands of acres mowed down and fenced in and filled with corn plants.  Instead, the gigantic herds of wild caribou roam, and they are a good source of food and clothing.  I want so badly to learn to hunt.  I must learn to accept the brutality of killing animals, because I believe that eating meat is the appropriate thing for the human species to do, especially if you are going to have babies.  If you aren’t having babies, then it’s okay to be a vegetarian.  Babies don’t grow very well on strict vegan or vegetarian diets.  It’s possible to eat meat less often, like not every day, and still grow well.

So, I’d like to go to Alaska.  But I don’t know if that’s really been decided or not.  It was just something the voices in my head said.  He could go anywhere.

I’ll try to do something about Jesse not getting my mail – that’s my project for the next couple days, use the phone over the internet, call someone, which takes courage, find out who is the right person to talk to and what they can do to help me, and then see if I get new letters from Jesse that sound as though he’s received my previous letters.  I don’t feel like there’s much point in continuing to try to send letters to him now until I get this straightened out.

Today when I went out to collect the dried persimmons, I saw another tree.  There were large green buds on the tips of its branches, and they were almost about to unfold, big new green leaves, over the snow which hasn’t melted yet.

I want to walk in Lemont and try to find the serviceberry bush, too, that one of the neighbors mentioned when I was camping there.  It’s supposed to have white flowers early in the spring when nothing else is around and when there aren’t any leaves yet.  That’s supposedly how it’s easy to find.

I want every wild food that grows in this area that is native.  I want to collect them all.  I won’t be staying here, maybe, if I am able to empower myself and follow Jesse when he is stationed.  But even so, for the next few months, I will be here, and I might as well try to find the plants during this time when I’m unemployed.  Sadly, I might get a job again soon.  I just can’t get enough help from the government to pay my rent and everything.  I need to solve this problem of wanting to be unemployed somehow.  I do not want to go back to work.  I will never make any progress in life, never learn anything, and never create anything, if I have to work.

“Always,” Korean drama

February 27, 2015

I’ve been watching a million movies, but the one site I usually go to changed, so I went looking for other sites. I ended up watching something kind of random. “Always,” a Korean drama. If you have a couple hours to throw around, this is worth watching. A blind woman falls in love with a boxer. Lots of karma, fate, one person meeting another person who was there when such-and-such happened, etc. As I watched it, I kept thinking I ought to have predicted all of it, because it was following a typical soap opera kind of pattern, but somehow it was all so well done that I just had to keep watching. I had occasional glitches with the web page, the video not working or stopping in the middle, but overall it worked very well. I just would refresh the page if there were any problems.

Schlow Library’s water pipe burst and destroyed many books

February 26, 2015

I was going to do a search to see if I could find William Russo’s Composing Music book at Schlow, but I saw a news article saying they were closed because a water pipe burst.

Bursting water pipes are something that *really* annoy me. People who build buildings ought to be able to foresee that the temperature will inevitably go extremely low sometime during the lifetime of the building, and they ought to design the pipes so that they are so well protected, they cannot possibly burst no matter how cold it gets outside. This is something that will *inevitably* happen during a building’s lifetime! The building is going to exist for many decades. Surely, sometime during that time period, the temperature is going to go below zero!

And now, thousands of books were destroyed, along with some other stuff like audio materials and toys in the children’s area.

I’m very annoyed by buildings that are not insulated, buildings that absolutely depend on the electric power grid. If the power goes out, you’re screwed, and as far as I know, the power didn’t even go out. Schlow Library’s heat would have still been on, keeping the inside of the building at a moderate temperature, but the outer edges and the walls of the building weren’t insulated well enough, and the pipes got cold anyway. Even if you kept the heat cranked up to 85 degrees, those pipes could still freeze because they are behind walls where the heat doesn’t really reach.

Pipes and insulation must be designed to protect them from freezing. They also should be put in a location where even if they break, they won’t damage very much. I imagined a building where the pipes didn’t just go everywhere within the building, but instead were only located in one particular corner of the building, which was sort of separated or cut off from the rest. That way, even if they burst, which they wouldn’t because they would be properly designed, but if they did, the damage would stay in one small area.

I think about this because I want an off-the-grid house, and it wouldn’t even have running water at all. If you absolutely must have running water in your house, then it has to be properly designed. You shouldn’t be losing thousands of dollars of your possessions, and destroying the floor itself and anything made of wood and any other materials, because a pipe burst because the outside temperature inevitably dropped below zero, which anyone could foresee would happen during the lifetime of the building.

Oh well, getting the book at Schlow isn’t an option at the moment. I was just wishing I had that book to look at, because it’s been years since I looked at it, and I don’t remember everything it said right off the top of my head. I kind of vaguely remember, but it would help to be reminded, so that I have something to focus on.

I was playing with MuseScore because I’m having a bad brain day and feel like I can’t do anything productive, but I’ve had coffee today. I started a file called ‘A Song That Sucks,’ because I’m just learning how to operate the software right now, and don’t feel confident yet, but I am not even capable of writing a song that sucks, that’s how frozen I am. I cannot deliberately write a song that sucks. Nor can I write a song that is awesome. I’m trying to unfreeze my brain, so I just took a break and looked up Schlow to see about the book, which is what prompted me to write this blog.

I’ll just go back to fooling around, and my brain will unfreeze, I know. I’ll be fine.

Angerism, not terrorism. Can’t find out if HAARP made this endless bitter cold and snowstorms because they shut down the website that monitors HAARP

February 23, 2015

6:59 AM 2/23/2015

I’m tired of terrorism. It’s time for Angerism. Not the same as what Urban Dictionary says though. I googled it to see if anybody else had written that word yet. Urban Dictionary has a play on the word ‘aneurysm.’ That’s not what I mean. They said it means you’re so angry you feel like your head might explode. Well, maybe the people who are committing acts of ‘terrorism’ are having that feeling.

But I meant it in a different way. I meant, a backlash against the overuse of the word ‘terrorism,’ a backlash against the idea that all of us are terrified. We’re not all scared. We’re angry. Except I’m not angry at Al-Qaeda and whoever I’m supposed to be angry at, I’m angry at the mobs and conspiracies who control the world.

It was just a thought. ‘They’ put the word ‘angerism’ into my head this morning when I woke up. I’m just tired of the overuse of the word ‘terrorism.’ It’s the stupidest word ever created and I am sick of it.

I was thinking, we need a crowdfunded project to recreate the HAARP Status web pages. They have been shut down by the government. There was a website that used magnetometers to detect the frequencies used by HAARP, and they showed that, for instance, HAARP was targeting the east coast in a particular region very intensely just before Hurricane Sandy suddenly swerved inland for no reason at all.

I just tried yesterday to look for that same site. I believed it after I saw about Hurricane Sandy. That was just weird. Things don’t move to the west, they move to the east. The general flow of air is eastward. The prevailing winds. I took a meteorology class in college, and it was my all time favorite class, next to nutrition class. I would have loved math class too, but my first attempt at a math class in college gave me this babbling retard with chicken scratch handwriting for a professor, and his accent was so thick you couldn’t understand a word he said, so math became Not Fun At All. I couldn’t read a word he wrote on the chalkboard and I couldn’t understand a word that came out of his mouth, and also, the particular textbook we had sucked too. It was a lose-lose-lose situation.

Anyway, I know that weather patterns move in general from west to east as the earth turns that way, towards the west. There was just no logical reason for Hurricane Sandy to suddenly come inland. But HAARP was active very strongly right over the area that Sandy came into.

So I tried to look for this site again last night, trying to see if all this insane bitter cold and endless snowstorms were a HAARP attack, and what did I find? That website has been shut down by the Powers That Be. The very fact that they shut the website down is a blatant admission of guilt. Not only that, but every other website that had anything recent or current where they tried to monitor what HAARP was doing was also shut down or inaccessible. The HAARP Watch website just has this big message that says something like ‘Account has been suspended’ or something.

Come on guys, relax. We know you did it. No need to run around panicking and covering your tracks when we saw you red-handed. Why worry? You’ve got all the power. It doesn’t even matter if the public knows. Look what happened after Edward Snowden’s leaks: nothing at all. The public doesn’t give a fuck about what the mob is doing. You can tell them everything and hand them evidence and a confession on a silver platter, and they will do absolutely nothing. It doesn’t matter at all if the public knows. Just give up and let them see the truth about the weather wars.

There are a lot more sites that control the weather, not just HAARP. There are many of them scattered all over the globe. I imagine that they probably have Windows operating systems on all of their always-on cable connections that let hackers come in anytime they want, too. What happens when HAARP gets hacked? HAARP, or any of the other similar sites in other countries around the world? I can’t list them all, I don’t know them, but there are other websites that have lists of ionospheric heaters that are known to exist. There’s also another secret site which is near HAARP in Alaska, but I forget what it’s called or what it does.

We, the public, are not terrified, we’re angry, and we’re not angry at the ‘terrorists.’ We’re angry at the people responsible for this.

Random Kristen Stewart video has similar music to what I wrote, almost

February 22, 2015

The video:

This was just one of those weird coincidences. A series of events led me to this. I was looking at facebook and ripping my heart out because I miss Eric and Jason from McDonald’s, and then I saw something Brittany posted, Jesse’s other girlfriend. She had a link to something where Kristen Stewart won the Cesar award in France. I had no idea she was even playing in a French movie.

The reason Kristen Stewart interests me is because somebody typed her as a SLI, and I agree with the typing. I am also a SLI, and I believe Brittany is also a SLI (we are both Jesse’s duals). Edward, what’s-his-name, the vampire, was an EII, an activator relation to Kristen Stewart. Then they dated in real life, and eventually broke up.

I have always wished her the best, but I had this feeling that she was going to sort of… fade away, fail, and die. I thought her life was going to go badly. She has the Weston Price deformities, which is the reason why the lower part of her face looks like it got smashed against a wall, and if you look at the caricatures of her in things like Mad Magazine, they always exaggerate that smashed-face look. Typical Weston Price deformity! Our faces are not supposed to be smashed at the bottom.

I thought she would get into drugs or something and become one of those burned-out stars. So I was really happy to read this thing about her getting an award in France. Then one click led to another, and somebody said she now had a girlfriend, so she is accepting her bisexuality/lesbianism now. I want her to be happy.

I clicked on the video about her kissing her girlfriend, and what do you know, but the background music happens to be almost exactly the same sort of happy, mellow electronic music just like the song I wrote! Apparently, all SLIs like this kind of music!

That is the fascinating thing about personality types – they do *sort of* tend to like the same music. Jesse was amazing for picking songs that I would really like, and nobody else could do that. Now, I don’t love everything ever written by everybody in the Delta Quadra, but, as a general rule of thumb, everyone in the quadra will have a lot of overlap in the songs that they love, and the songs that they hate. Not 100% overlap, but a surprising amount. It really is strongly type-related.

I never did go back to the music software yet. I just have to learn how to operate it, that’s all. Which button do you push to do what.

Congratulations to Kristen Stewart, on getting the Cesar Award in France and on accepting her sexual preferences.

Something made me more insane than usual, and I wrote music today, sort of (not done yet!)

February 22, 2015

8:29 PM 2/22/2015

This is one of those incidents where I have a massive, obvious mood and behavior change, but I’m not 100% certain exactly what caused it. It’s not a bad change, it’s just a strange change, and I wish I knew exactly what triggered it.

Today I started listening to music on youtube, which is not that unusual, and I listened to primitive traditional music from foreign cultures, which is also not that unusual for me. So, for example, I was listening to the Aka tribe of the African pygmies. It started when I was looking for lithophone music.

I had written ‘write a song’ on my to-do list earlier today. For whatever reason, I felt like now was the moment, and I was allowed to accept that suggestion.

I have had two cups of coffee today and I am about to have a third one. I was drinking it intermittently and withdrawing from it intermittently on and off over the past week. I was not completely off it, but did not drink anywhere near as much as usual, and withdrew from it longer, allowing myself to recover slightly but not

I was doing small things from my to-do list. When I withdraw from caffeine, I become able to do small things again, like cleaning this or that. I cannot do it when I am totally burned out on huge amounts of caffeine.

Well, I actually started trying to write a song on paper with a pen, and then I actually downloaded an open source music notation program, though I don’t know how to use it yet. I tested it to see if it would work on my computer. I can’t run Propellerheads Reason on my computer, the program I used to own, because this netbook doesn’t have a good enough sound card for that. So I got a bare-bones music software where you see the sheet music and the notes in the
traditional way, and you can print the sheet music out, and it plays the sounds with a simple MIDI sound. I just wasn’t sure if my sound card was even able to do simple MIDI sounds, but it can. So this software seems to work well enough.

All afternoon, after listening to the various primitive music songs online, I was making up my own silly little songs, singing them to the cats, walking around and just making little noises and stuff. I haven’t acted like that in a long time.

There are several factors that might have caused this behavior.

1. I was off caffeine a bit, so my brain began to heal and come back to life.

I don’t have much money left from the tax refund, but I *had to* get real food. I gave up and decided that I will try to apply for a job, although that doesn’t guarantee that I’ll get one quickly and easily.

2. I ate TONS AND TONS of fruit today. I went out and bought dried apricots, and they are NOT organic, so they might have all kinds of pesticides on them, because I think apricots almost always get sprayed a lot. I wolfed down about a billion apricots. They are from Turkey, so they contain whatever pesticides are being used in Turkey nowadays. They also have several chemicals on them. It’s hard to find organic apricots. My grocery store doesn’t have a huge variety of organic stuff. So these have preservatives on them.

I got organic cuties, whatever those little oranges are called.

I bought cheap sausage because it was on sale. ‘The voices’ suggested that I wanted to buy sausage. I did often have various forms of ham or sausage in the past, when I had money, and can’t get sausage at the food bank. All they had at the food bank was pork chops, and I have always loathed pork chops. I like greasy, fatty types of pork meat, not the dry, tough pork chops.

I also got real maple syrup, and I drank through 2/3 of the bottle in the past day. When I first opened the bottle, I drank a sip of it straight from the bottle, then drank a sip of water, because the syrup burns too much at full concentration, and I drank several sips of maple syrup this way. So I am getting a lot of weird, toxic minerals that are in maple syrup. Maple syrup is a more nourishing form of sugar. It’s got all kinds of minerals in it from the maple water that it comes from. They are now trying to sell maple water the same way they sell coconut water, and someday in the future it might be a ‘thing.’ It’s just not available everywhere yet. So I might have maple poisoning. I know it contains tons of manganese, and manganese causes violent craziness, but I haven’t been feeling violent at all. I might be a teensy bit more hyperactive towards my cats, as in, petting slightly more roughly than usual, but again, I’ve seen much worse.

I do, however, have an outbreak of ancient, leftover nickel poisoning rash on my left inner wrist, from where the wristwatch band used to have the clasp, what is it called? The buckle. The watch buckle used to press against my skin and give me a nickel rash. I haven’t worn a watch in decades, but the nickel rash spontaneously reappears in that exact location, decades later, if I ever overload my body with any other toxic minerals from any other source, even if nothing is touching my wrist. It just reawakens. It’s like an invisible nickel tattoo embedded in my skin, which will never come out.

I also ate a small fragment of a dried, rotten rose hip. I picked the rose hips from some of the rose bushes outside the county assistance office. I have recognized rose hips for many years now. I used to sometimes drink rose hip herbal tea, and I also have tried a small bite of a fresh rose hip now and then, but they are so sour, bitter, and astringent that they are extremely unpleasant to eat. It’s not something you would eat lots and lots of for fun, but it’s also not really poisonous, and they say that Native Americans used to eat rose hips from wild roses. If you don’t know what a rose hip looks like, it’s just a little round orange ball at the end of the stem right where the rose flower used to be. Over the winter, they are still there, and they dry out and wrinkle up. I picked a couple of old, dried out, withered ones and put them in my pocket.

When I eat any unfamiliar foods, sometimes my body reacts as though it knows that something strange has happened. My blood pressure drops and I feel like I’m going to pass out, but then, if I eat that same food again sometime later, my body seems to recognize it and doesn’t react as badly the next time around. So I have weird reactions the first time I try something, but then don’t have such bad reactions the next time. Maybe this is like that.

I felt like I would pass out after eating a small bite of one of the rose hips. I felt weak for a while. I took a shower to make myself feel better. Then I felt like I would throw up. I did EFT tapping to calm myself down, and I didn’t throw up.

I read that rose hips can treat constipation. Well, I had severe diarrhea later on. I don’t know if it was caused by the rose hip or by the guacamole that I had eaten earlier that day, which I also suspect is causing problems for me. I love avocados, but there is something wrong with guacamole. Something changes, even if they put lemon juice and other acids in there to prevent oxidation and browning. Even though it looks green and fresh, there is something different and disgusting about guacamole which is not true of fresh avocados. I used to eat it occasionally and liked it, but other times I have an aversion to it. It tasted gross when I ate it, and it had been opened in the fridge for several days, and I had scraped off a brown layer from the top before eating the fresher green layer underneath.

Also I realized that I’m eating another food which is said to cause constipation for some people: beans. I never eat beans, but they are one of the things you’re likely to get at a food bank. On the same web page where I read that beans cause constipation (because they contain opioid proteins, which numb the intestines and cause them to fall asleep and not move, the same way heroin does in drug addicts), I read that sugar and fat help move the bowels. This web page was opposed to the idea that fiber prevents constipation – it said fiber often causes more problems.

Anyway, I think I will cut back on the maple syrup tomorrow. I probably had too much of it today. I’ve been putting it in my coffee, and had three cups of coffee today, although weaker than usual – I only put in one spoonful of coffee grounds.

I had originally been testing, this morning, what was the effect of coffee on my ability to do small tasks and quickly go from one task to another without resting. The strange thing is that I do still sort of feel the pain in my muscles, it’s just kind of more numb and more subconscious. And then, I do ‘resting behaviors’ where I do something unproductive for hours and hours without actually falling asleep, like writing a blog for hours, or passively reading things on the internet without really learning anything for hours and hours. If I hadn’t been caffeinated, I would have taken a nap for hours during that time instead, but on caffeine, I stay awake and just do something useless and passive without sleeping. The net effect is about the same.

When I withdraw from coffee, I regain some energy and become able to do spontaneous cleaning behaviors and am able to start checking things off a to-do list, but if I am completely burned out and am using coffee constantly, then I become totally unable to do anything at all except the obsessive behaviors – writing, movie-watching, reading news on the internet without really learning much. If I’m decaffeinated, I won’t do the obsessive behaviors for hours – I will take naps for hours instead, and the naps are extremely long, except that I get woken up by the electronic attacks.

So I am hyper today, and haven’t acted like this in a long time. I’ve reached the point of being uncomfortable. There is a point where you’re too hyperactive and you don’t like it. I feel just a little bit sick at my stomach. Whatever I ate today, I will eat a bit less of it tomorrow and eat other things instead.

But the crazy brain was able to sit down and write a pseudo-song on paper for a couple hours. I did not write actual notes, I wrote lines, just drawings, of the general shape of the song, with some numbers and some instructions and some concepts of what the song was. I used to do that years ago when I had the book by William Russo. It was called ‘Composing Music’ or something like that, and it was just a thin book with a plastic spiral binding and a blue glossy cover. It was full of assignments to get you writing music right away, and he gave you strict rules to follow. When you’re an expert, you can stop following the rules, but when you are first learning, you will get better results by following the rules and keeping the songs very simple.

There are so many ways that you can go so badly wrong when writing music, and if you don’t know any rules, then you have no way to explain exactly what it is that went wrong. He gives you ways to verbalize, to articulate, exactly what it is that’s wrong with the song. Why does some particular piece of music sound bad?

For example, somewhere around that time period, I heard the song ‘Bulletproof,’ I think is the title. ‘This time, baby, I’ll beeeeee….. bulleeeeeeeeeeeeeeettttt….. prooooooooof. This time, baby, I’ll beeeeeee….. bullleeeeeeeeettttt…… proooooooof.’ The reason that sounds bad is because it violates one of the rules in the Composing Music book. You’re not supposed to have notes that long right next to short notes, with such big pauses. He actually gave you a very specific rule showing you how long the notes are allowed to be, so that you know exactly what to do and what not to do.

I also remember there was another song on the radio, but I can’t remember what it is. It violated the rule of having the highest notes towards the end of a song structure, so that the song rises up to sort of a climax. This was a falling-down song, and it always sounded boring and disappointing, like it never quite achieved what it wanted to do, but it couldn’t explain why. I can imagine the songwriter finishing the song, thinking to him/herself, ‘This sucks, but I just gotta get it out there,’ and publishing it, never knowing quite why it sucked.

I’d know the song if I heard it but I can’t remember it now. It was just some song on the radio that never became a huge hit, and it has been forgotten, from a few years ago. A B-side song, you know, where it’s on a record for the record player, and the song on side A is the good song, and the song on side B is a junk song that nobody really likes. This book helps you explain the reasons why a song sucks, so that you are not so helpless when it happens. You have some suggestions for ways to fix it.

It was called ‘Composing Music: A New Approach,’ by William Russo and others. I had to google it.

I’m going to try to make this software work. It has a demonstration song, which worked, so I know that my computer is able to play MIDI. I can’t do anything professional-sounding like with Reason, but that doesn’t matter – the song would be written for acoustic instruments anyway, not for synthesizers.

When I played with Reason, I spent way too much time fooling around with all the knobs and buttons to change the synthesizers and learn how they worked. I didn’t spend much time actually writing any songs. I did write one song, which I did not completely finish, but I got it to a point where it was ‘listenable,’ and it wasn’t too bad. I gave it to my parents and my brother. I actually don’t have a copy of it on this computer, or maybe I do, I forget. Maybe I do somewhere.

I called it ‘Prickles,’ and my brother called it ‘Prickly’ when he had it up on one of his websites years ago. That was because one of the sounds in the song was a sort of prickly sound, and I think I named one of the instruments ‘prickles.’ It was just a pleasant, mellow electronic song that didn’t have a melody.

I wrote a melody for it later on but never finished putting it all together and ‘troubleshooting’ it. There were some problems that I never worked out, so the version that anybody would hear is the version that didn’t have any kind of melody to it at all, just a sort of mellow background music and beat.

My parents told me it had a good beat to listen to while walking, because I deliberately chose a tempo right around walking speed, so that you can take steps to the beat of the song. I guess that would be called ‘Moderato.’ (I used to play piano. Some part of my brain vaguely remembers how to read sheet music and remembers those words for describing the music.)

Well, I will go ahead and post this and fool around with the music software to see if I can learn how to do it. It’s called MuseScore (did I already say that? I haven’t reread this yet). Very basic, but I don’t need much. I’m imagining real acoustic instruments instead of synthesizers. That’s one of the problems with music nowadays. Also, digitization is killing music. Digitizing music takes away a huge part of the sound. Subtle nuances are destroyed. High pitches are all gone. You have to play real acoustic instruments in the real world, and then record them with something analog, like magnetic tape. But oh well, I’m starting off with sheet music.

This could be an Unsustainable Manic Project, and I definitely am crazy today, but oh well. I don’t mind, it was worth a try. I just wanted to see what would happen if I tried. I don’t actually have the melody yet for the song. I just have a general song structure. And I broke William Russo’s rules by making it weird and more complicated than it ought to be, so it has a greater likelihood of failing miserably. It is an unusual song form. I have weird groups of numbers.

It’s just that I get bored with normal time signatures like 4/4 and normal song structures in American music. There is SO MUCH OUT THERE, so many other ways of doing things. That’s why I’m fascinated with the music of primitive cultures, because each of them invented something strange and unique which is totally unfamiliar to us and totally different from the usual Western European-American stuff.

There are so many instruments, but we hear the same instruments over and over. There are infinity possible song structures (which is why Russo wrote some rules so that you wouldn’t be overwhelmed and get lost in all the possibilities). There are so many ways to make weird noises with the human voice. You can make percussion on the human body.

Why does all the music have to sound the same, lifeless and boring and dead and robotic? You’d think that a synthesizer would free us, let us use our creativity, with all the infinite possibilities of a synthesizer, but what did people do? They wrote garbage, tons and tons of garbage, copy-paste garbage. Write a piece of garbage, copy-paste it all the way across the screen, and boom! you’re done! Song complete! Just play the same thing over and over automatically and it’s a song! Automatic music! That’s what we did with

Now the radio is full of this garbage, and the faster you can pump out crap and sell it, the richer and more popular you will be, while the people who are actually taking time to construct a more ingenious and innovative song can’t publish a hundred crappy songs a day to fill up the radio with their spam, so they’re unknown and harder to find. Spam, spam, spam, spam, spammity spam!

But okay, time for me to post this. I haven’t checked it for typos yet and might be too lazy to fix them tonight.

another capitalism complaint; and why is my brain feeling too dead to think clearly?

February 20, 2015

10:46 AM 2/20/2015

My hip pain has diminished, and I am walking with less of a limp. I was really worried about it for a few days there, but now it is going back to normal. It really was from drinking that coffee. I was drinking the worst case scenario of coffee: I was pouring the coffee grounds directly into the cup, then boiling it in the microwave with water. That makes an extremely acidic cup of coffee. I was even sometimes eating the coffee grounds, although I stopped doing that after a while.

Also, it’s possible that the weird weather systems were making my joints hurt more than usual. But mainly, quitting the coffee was the most important thing. I didn’t normally drink coffee that acidic and strong. I usually drank this instant espresso in a jar stuff. It was pretty weak, actually, although I chose that espresso brand because it tasted much better, and didn’t make me sick at my stomach.

Folger’s, the one in the red colored jar, makes me extremely sick for very long periods of time, affecting my ability to eat food all day long – I can’t even swallow a bite of food if I’m drinking Folger’s coffee, and that also explained why I was so deathly ill for so many months, years ago in 1998. At the time, I was drinking these cups of coffee made with these packets that are like teabags, which contained a mixture of coffee grounds and instant coffee, and they were Folger’s. Those things made me so sick every time I drank them that I could not eat a bite of food all day long afterwards, and it happened every time I drank any kind of Folger’s coffee even years later. That was one of the explanations for why I nearly starved to death for several months and lost all that weight. I couldn’t quit the coffee, and I’d rather drink coffee than eat food, so it didn’t occur to me that the coffee itself was making me so deathly sick. And it’s not just a little bit sick, it’s a LOT sick. I only got better when I quit coffee, as I was trying the Feingold Diet and it said coffee contained salicylate, so you had to quit it during the first part of the testing. When I quit it, suddenly I became able to eat again. Afterwards, I found out that drinking other types of coffee from other sources didn’t make me so sick, so I continued drinking coffee. There is just some kind of quality issue with that particular brand, with the chemicals they use to process it or something, I don’t know what. It’s only the Folger’s in the red container.

A while back, a coworker or somebody (I forget who), I overheard them talking, and she said that her grandmother or somebody wanted them to get coffee for her, but she wanted the one in the blue jar, NOT the one in the red jar. The girl said, if I recall, that they got the red one by accident, or something, and they decided to just sneak it into the blue jar and she wouldn’t know the difference (because she still had the old empty container there). However, while listening to this conversation, I knew why she wanted them to only buy the one in the blue jar, not the red jar, and I knew that she WOULD know the difference, because there IS a difference, a major, extreme, and important difference. I was able to drink the blue jar coffee (Maxwell House) without getting sick as badly, although it did still sicken me a little bit, just not so severely.

It was best if I just got completely different kinds of coffee that had nothing to do with either Folger’s or Maxwell House – I was less likely to be sick. So I was getting this ‘Cafe Bustelo’ brand, in a yellow jar, instant espresso.

I was watching some little video clip this morning, and the ad in front of the video started saying they had all these different types of coffeemakers on sale somewhere. Everyone else on earth is still drinking coffee and buying coffeemakers except me. I was like, ohhh, don’t advertise coffeemakers to me right now.

I’m off caffeine, and waiting for my brain to get better. However, I remembered something this morning, or maybe ‘they’ reminded me. Part of the dead feeling in my brain was from sitting close to the netbook when it was uploading a lot of information over the wifi. If, for instance, I uploaded videos, it would burn my brain when I was sitting next to it. That happened when I sat in my car next to Barnes & Noble, which has the fastest upload speeds in the whole town, apparently, and uploaded a bunch of videos to youtube. For several days afterwards, my brain felt numb and dead from being burned by the wifi.

I had forgotten all about that. I’ve been watching a lot of movies. They don’t upload, they download, but maybe the computer has to ‘reply’ to the download constantly or something, I don’t know. I don’t know the details. I know that computers ‘reply’ to whatever they’re downloading to tell it what they still need or something. So it’s possible that the computer is sending out a lot of signals when I’m watching movies, but I don’t know. I don’t get the obvious and severe brain burn from it. That brain burn feeling was really scary – I thought I had permanent damage or scarring. I thought my brain would never feel normal again. But it started to feel normal again after several days. Anyway I might be getting brain burn from watching so many movies, but since I’m also in caffeine withdrawal, and don’t know how my brain should normally be feeling, I can’t tell what’s normal and what isn’t right now. This sensation of being brain dead might be brain burn, or it might be part of the recovery process from caffeine.

Also, if you use the cell phone too much, it also gives you brain burn and insomnia. I don’t use the cell phone very often. It would be best if you had an earphone or speakerphone so that you don’t hold the transmitter itself right next to your head. Anything you can do to keep the transmitter as far away from your head as you can would help.

I’ve also been exposed to very low levels of unknown drug residues from Jesse at times in the past, but could never get him to tell me the truth about whether he was taking drugs or not, and whether he had taken them in the past. Before he knew that I absolutely hated all prescription psychiatric drugs, he confessed to me that he had been given several drugs in the past and was on them right then, at the time when he was working at Taco Bell with me. That meant he was on them in December 2013. I don’t know if or when he quit them, but later on he told me that he wasn’t on them. He has things which I could call tics, which are the long term damage from drugs. He makes a particular kind of movement and noises. I forget the word for it. It doesn’t happen all the time, mostly when he’s very tired or upset about something. He kind of shifts in his seat and can’t sit still. People are able to suppress those movements, but it takes a painful, exhausting effort.

So I thought some of my brain death might be because I can’t do a decon, and I might have low levels of Jesse’s drugs on me, but I just remembered, I also have Mary Jo’s drugs on me, which are much ‘fresher’ and more recent and ongoing. She takes a shower and the drug metabolites get washed down from her skin oils and sweat, onto the bathtub floor, and I get them onto my feet, or all over my body if I sit down and take a bath. That causes me to start sleeping constantly. It’s an antidepressant, and she’s still on it. I did occasionally scrub the shower floor, but it’s very tiring to do that and I can’t do it every time I take a shower. So I have brain death from Mary Jo’s drugs as well. It would be more her than Jesse.

I’m just trying to answer the question, ‘why is my brain dead?’ I can feel it. It’s dead. It doesn’t work. I’m off caffeine, and so I’m able to feel all the unpleasant sensations that I’ve been numbing myself to, and I can tell that something is wrong. I can only compare it to memories of the past when my brain did not feel dead.

But my hip is definitely getting better. It was definitely the coffee making it worse, and it was probably the method of making coffee that gave me the worst case scenario, the most acidic and toxic cup of coffee that I could possibly drink, by pouring the grounds directly in the cup and boiling it in the microwave and keeping the grounds soaking in the bottom of the cup constantly, sometimes stirring them up, while drinking it.

I was really, really worried about my hip for a while there. I was getting scared. I felt helpless. But it’s starting to get better now. It hurts less and less. I wish I could have x-rays to see what’s going on, but I can’t just go out and get x-rays anytime I feel like it, and it’s best to avoid x-rays as much as possible.

It’s not just the coffee, though. It was the combination of that coffee, along with all the bread, the bread and water diet that I was on for a while there, when I had not yet gotten the food from the food bank. The food bank food is better than a bread and water diet. It’s still not good, and I’m still eating *some* bread, and also eating noodles. But there are other things like meats and vegetables, although nowhere near as much fruit as I would like.

Dried fruits ought to be plentiful, but for some reason they are not. The reason is because farmers require instant payoff. Land ownership is the root of all evil, and expensive fruit is one of the evils that it is the root of. Nobody wants to start an orchard with tree fruits, or any kind of a farm with anything other than grain, because anything that takes several years before it produces a payoff is not worth doing, not able to be done. You have to start paying your bills instantly. You buy the land, and you’ve got to start paying all your mortgage money and your taxes right now, today, before your farm has even grown. You can’t wait three or five years for some orchard trees to start producing fruit. You have to grow something RIGHT NOW that will give you some revenues in a few months, later this year, so that you can start paying the bills right away. The shortage of fruit, and how expensive it is, is directly caused by the phenomenon of land ownership as such, taxes, mortgages, banks owning all the land on the planet, the rising price of land, and all that. So nobody wants to take the risk of trying to grow any foods that come from trees. It’s fastest and easiest and has the quickest payoff if you just chop down all the trees and then grow grain, which can be harvested in a short time and bring in some revenues. Land ownership, the root of all evil. If farmers didn’t have to pay all those bills, then we would have less grain, and more fruit, plenty of fruit, because people could afford to patiently wait several years for the trees to grow. That includes nuts, too. We should be eating dried fruits and nuts all the time instead of bread. That was what I did when I had money.

Also, I ate organic corn tortilla chips. I was not on a grain-free diet. For some reason, I tolerate corn tortillas. If it says the word ‘tortilla,’ then officially that is defined as corn which has been nixtamalized, which makes it safe to eat. Soaking corn in ashes is something the Native Americans did. It does something, gets rid of something toxic, activates the nutrients, something, softens it up, to make it safer and more nourishing. I was eating millions of organic corn tortillas. I was also eating them with salsa, but that was before I had committed myself to trying a nightshade-free diet. I wonder if it’s possible to make salsa out of non-irritating fruits and vegetables, something sour and savory, something so good that it makes a bland corn chip enjoyable. Surely there must be some alternative to salsa made out of tomatoes and hot peppers and green peppers.

Also, some people on the paleo diet (or other special diets for sensitivities) claim that it’s also worthwhile to avoid onions and garlic. I myself noticed ‘garlic hangover’ sometimes after eating garlic, but for some reason it didn’t always happen. I can’t remember the other factors that might have contributed. Supposedly onions and garlic might also contribute to chronic pain in muscles or joints, like nightshade fruits do. (I wrote ‘nightshade vegetables’ at first, but actually, tomatoes and hot peppers and bell peppers and eggplants are all fruits. The only one that’s a vegetable is the potato, because it’s a root. It would be extremely dangerous to eat the REAL vegetables, the leaves and stems, of the nightshade family, because those really are poisonous.)

I just want my brain to not feel dead. I would eat brains if I could, but they are not available because our country is stupid. The only place where people eat brains is Ohio or somewhere. They eat them fried, or something. It’s tradition. Or maybe brains aren’t available, and therefore our country is stupid? (because they can’t eat brains?). I can’t get frozen brains at the food bank, which is my only source of food right now, with a few small exceptions – I’ve gotten ice cream twice with my tax refund money. I don’t have much money left.

There will be other bills I can’t pay, and I keep forgetting they exist. I must renew my UPS store mailbox. I must pay USAA insurance. Those just seem less urgent and less threatening than the rent. I must also buy more phone minutes.

It was a sign of how I loved Jesse that I always let him use up my phone minutes. For some reason, he didn’t seem to understand how the tracfone worked, or something, because he has a different kind of phone. He always seemed to forget, if I told him I was running out of minutes and couldn’t be on the phone. He would text me anyway, or call me, and I would always just let him use up my minutes, even if I had tried to warn him a day or two before that my phone had no minutes left. We did this several times, talked on the phone till the minutes were gone and I was forced to hang up. I would do anything he wanted me to do, just so I could talk to him at all, and if he was talking about something, then it was important enough to use up my minutes. His phone carrier works differently and I don’t think he’s ever had a Tracfone. He doesn’t get the idea of ‘minutes running out until there are none left,’ and he just seems to forget when it happens.

I also was unable to get him to text me through email. I found a way to send emails to his phone, and they would be received as text. You had to send it to a particular email address, and write their cell phone number in the email address, according to a particular format (it’s called email to SMS or something like that – I always do google searches for it when I forget how to do it, and then you have to go through long lists of different address formats if you don’t know what carrier they have. So I mass-spammed a dozen different email addresses trying to find the right one, and I found it.)

After I found out how to do it, I still could not usually get him to reply to THAT address instead of to my cell phone, the one that uses up minutes. I’m not sure if maybe he thought the NSA was watching if we talked through email, but not through the phone, or something? I don’t know.

I remember there was a time in the past when I mistakenly believed that phones were safe. I was being harassed by hackers on the internet, and they ‘trained’ me to recognize hacking, to be sensitized to it, to be angered and enraged by it when it happened (I was on antidepressants during some of that time period, which was why small things made me furiously angry). I would recognize that a particular incident was a hacking incident, and get extremely angry and want to kill somebody. I was being harassed and followed on every computer that I used, everywhere, and it would start up again instantly if I wiped the hard drives of my computers, even if I was physically disconnected from the internet, by unplugging the cable. I found out two things that are relevant here: the ability to use electronic weapons to hack computers at a distance through an ‘air gap’ – an unplugged cable, which, you would think, would be an absolute guarantee that nobody can hack your computer – you use an electronic weapon to manipulate a computer, and it doesn’t even have to have an internet connection; also, there are ways to keep viruses and trojans and spyware and whatever, still alive, in other parts of the computer, even while you are formatting and zeroing the hard drive. I used to ‘zero’ the hard drive because that would delete all the data by filling everything with zeroes. I thought that was even better than merely formatting. But it didn’t help. The computer would get hacking incidents immediately after I started it up again, just to annoy me and demonstrate that they were able to do something.

However, it DID help greatly that I was using a Windows 98 computer back then, and also, it did help greatly that I was frequently cleaning off the hard drive and reinstalling Windows, because the computer ran really fast. There are ‘general hackers,’ people who are anonymous and who aren’t attacking you personally – they just want a computer, any computer, to put their viruses into. They don’t know you and they aren’t targetting you. Those people will put crap on your computer and slow it down.

Then there are other people who do know you, are targetting you, are harassing and stalking you, and will deliberately and persistently do things to follow you wherever you go, for their own reasons. That’s a different kind of hacking. You can’t block that kind of hacking merely by putting up a firewall. People who believe in firewalls, forgive me, are stupid. I remember having this discussion,
frantically trying to tell one of my employers, ages ago, that someone was harassing me over the computer, and they said, ‘Well, but we have a firewall, and we run the antivirus software every day!’ Firewalls and antivirus software are useless against a dedicated hacker that wants to harass YOU in particular. Firewalls and antivirus software only work against the anonymous, general hackers who aren’t aiming directly at you in particular. They can block out hackers who are just sending out stuff at random to any vulnerable computer, which is a completely different kind of attack.

Why can’t people understand that there are different kinds of computer hacking? Everyone believes, and the media encourages them to believe, that all hackers are merely sending out stuff at random to huge masses of anonymous people, and that’s the only kind of hacking that exists, and all you ever have to do is merely put up a firewall, get the latest Windows updates, and run the antivirus software, and don’t click on any links in any suspicious emails? This is so frustrating to me, or rather, it used to be back when I cared about hacking. I don’t care anymore – I’m more concerned about electronic mind control.

But the general public doesn’t understand, has no concept of, hackers who are harassing a particular individual for unknown reasons, targetting a particular person, harassing them and stalking them wherever they go, doing things to that particular person again, and again, and again, because they want to harass THAT PERSON, not just an anonymous mass of people? Nobody understands that if a hacker has committed himself to getting into THIS ONE PARTICULAR COMPUTER, he can, and he will, and he will overcome all obstacles to do so. You don’t just give up and quit just because there’s a firewall! No, you do a google search to find out how to get through a firewall, and lo and behold, you find a million pages on google that tell you a million different ways to do that! Why doesn’t the general public get this? Why is it so hard to understand? They just automatically spew out ‘Firewall! Antivirus! Windows updates! Don’t click links in emails! Firewall! Antivirus! Windows updates! Don’t click links in emails!’ over and over again. They have this extremely naive, oversimplified view of what hacking is, what hackers are, what motivates them, and how a person who is committed to doing something, dead-set on doing this, to this one particular computer, WILL keep doing it, and will not stop until they get through every single obstacle to do so.

They also have no concept of the idea that ordinary people can be maliciously harassed for no reason. That was what I had to argue about, back in the days when I was trying to tell people that somebody was harassing me over the computer. ‘Why you?’ they said. ‘You’re nobody important.’ Why do I have to be somebody important to be harassed? Are all victims of harassment somebody important? Just the opposite is true. The weaker you are, the less important you are, the less wealthy and powerful you are, the more vulnerable you are to being harassed by any bully who wants to harass somebody for any reason at all. Wealthy powerful people aren’t getting harassed! It’s the weak, helpless, unimportant, poor, powerless people who get harassed, because they have no means of defending themselves, retaliating against the attackers, doing all the detective work, spending time and money, hiring lawyers and putting it through the legal system to get them thrown in jail – a powerful person can afford to do those things, a powerless person cannot. Hence, powerless and unimportant people are constantly being harassed by bullies for no reason. The very opposite of what everyone says.

Depending on the type of attack, it’s also possible for wealthy and powerful people to be harassed and not be able to do anything about it. If all your money is saved in the bank, then a hacker can prevent you from accessing your money. None of your wealth and power will matter if you can’t get any money out of the bank. You have to have real, physical capital, real people who know you, real friends and family, real influence over real friends and networks.

Depending on who the attackers are and what they are doing to you, it’s STILL possible for them to destroy your life, even if all your friends and your networks and your assets are real, because they can do things to destroy your reputation, they can tell lies about you, they can turn your friends against you, they can make you unable to get a job, they can tell lies to get you thrown in jail, they can make a big public fiasco about you. I suspect that some of the big public fiascoes that we’ve seen, such as the Joe Paterno incident, happened because somebody wanted to destroy a particular individual. There are plenty of other pedophiles out there, surely, and friends and acquaintances of the pedophiles who ought to be telling the
authorities about it, right? Why do we suddenly destroy Joe Paterno in particular, and what’s-his-face, the other guy who actually was convicted of pedophilia. Funny, the only name I remember is the guy who wasn’t guilty, Joe Paterno – he didn’t actually commit the crime directly. It just seemed like somebody decided that now was the right moment to destroy these particular individuals and ruin their reputations. But there are millions of other people out there whose reputations could potentially be destroyed, but for some reason, nobody has decided to destroy them yet.

Jeez, I had to go back and look to see why I started that rant. It was because I suspected that maybe Jesse didn’t want to send texts to my email address because he thought the NSA would see it or something. Also, I don’t get a beep when the texts come in, so there is a big delay, sometimes hours, before I answer a text that comes to my email, so that could be another reason why he never wanted to send texts to my email even when I was out of minutes on my phone.

I actually have a few unread texts on my phone, because he sent a couple that I could not download after I ran out of minutes. It lets you read the first couple words of the text, but not the whole thing. They’re still sitting there, unopened, because I’m prioritizing my money, and I don’t want to go buy a Tracfone card right now when I have all these other things I need to do with my money.

I just need my brain not to be dead, because I need to use it. I need to think about what I’m going to do. Am I going to keep trying to get some kind of money from the government, or will I be satisfied with just getting food stamps, which I am almost certainly going to get – I would say 100% certainly going to get. I know people who were working at McDonald’s and getting food stamps while working there. You can have a job and also get food stamps. Am I going to keep trying to get the government to give me more money, so that I can pay my rent? If so, I need to make more trips out to the county assistance office, on my bike, in below zero degree weather. Why are we having so many single digit and below zero days? This seems unusual. Maybe I just don’t have a good memory, but I don’t remember seeing so many days in a row with below zero and single digit temperatures. It should be starting to thaw by now, I think.

I just need to use my brain to decide what I will do. Will I try to get a desk job somewhere, but demand that I be allowed to come in at 3 in the afternoon instead of 8am, and demand that I be allowed to work only two days a week so that I can take care of my life? Even working three days a week ruins my life.

We have all these labor saving devices. Why haven’t we saved any labor? Because the parasites of the world have stolen every single penny that we have ever saved with our labor saving devices, and their goal is to keep us constantly at the brink of starvation, just barely above that line, so that we can barely exist, and never make our quality of life any better.

Capitalists – they would have to make it an explicit goal, a deliberate, conscious, explicit goal, written down on paper, written into the official goals and purposes of their organization, an explicit goal to drastically improve the quality of life of their workers, as an explicit end in itself of the organization, not just a mere ‘side effect’ that might sometimes happen by accident if things are going well, and the first thing to be sacrificed if things are going badly. It must be an official goal.

What that means is, if you can afford it, then the first thing you must spend your money on is, cutting work hours for the employees. The first instant that you save a single penny, the first penny of surplus revenue that you earn, the first penny of money you have above and beyond the expenses you have to pay, must be used to reduce one person’s work hours, so that that person’s quality of life is increased. The goal must be to enable all employees to work the fewest number of hours a week. I am setting an arbitrary number of two days a week, but that number is arbitrary, but I am saying, it’s possible if only someone sets a conscious, deliberate, official, explicit goal of doing THAT, as an end and purpose of the corporation. Five days a week, 40 hours a week, is also an arbitrary number. Why isn’t our work week 60 hours long? Why isn’t our work week 90 hours long? It can be, and there are people who work that many hours. Why is it arbitrarily 40? If it can be 40, why can’t it be 20? If it can be 20, why can’t it be 10? Shouldn’t our labor-saving devices be freeing up our time? Why aren’t they? Why must we gobble up every single penny of money and every second of time which has been saved by those labor-saving devices, and use it for SOMETHING OTHER than improving employee quality of life? Every penny saved is ALWAYS spent on some other priority which is higher than improving employee quality of life! ALWAYS! That is NEVER the first priority of ANY

So for example, if you have a hundred people who are hand-sewing some clothing, and they’re all working 100 hours a week, and then you go buy a labor-saving device, a bunch of sewing machines for them, so that they can produce the same amount of clothing in 1/3 of the time… what do you do? You increase their work hours and expect them to produce (oh, I can’t do the math in my head – it isn’t the obvious answer of ‘three times as much’) X times as much as they used to produce. You used to only expect them to produce 100 shirts in a week. But after you bought the sewing machines, you expected them to produce 1,000 shirts a week, because they can do it faster. Why not just keep producing 100 shirts a week, and cut the employees’ hours? Yay! We can produce 100 shirts a week, by working only one day! Labor-saving devices! Let’s work only one day, and have the rest of the week off!

Capitalism. Competition. Somebody’s gonna beat me. Somebody’s gonna out-compete me. Somebody’s gonna be better than me. I gotta produce more, more, more, more, faster, faster, faster, faster. I gotta keep my people living just on the brink of death at all times, just on the edge of death, on the edge of exhaustion, and if I buy some
labor-saving devices, then I must increase my output, and still keep every person there working on the brink of death. If I used to have 100 people producing 100 shirts a week, and now I bought a sewing machine and I can have one person producing 100 shirts in one day, what do I do? I keep those 100 people, all of them slaving away at the brink of death, 100 hours a week, and I buy a hundred sewing machines so they each can have one and each person will slave away at the machine all week long without a day off, starving and dying and never sleeping, losing all of their life, so that I can hugely increase the amount of stuff that I produce. I couldn’t just keep on producing only 100 shirts a week, and then let my employees take it easy.

What? Entitlement? You mean, we were forced off our land, no longer able to work as farmers, no longer able to live on the land for free without paying anyone, no longer allowed to live as hunter-gatherers, when we made payments to NOBODY to be allowed to hunt and live on the land – we’re not allowed to do that anymore, we’re forced to live in the city instead, and you tell use that we’re NOT ENTITLED to be given a free living by the capitalists? You force us off our land and ruin our lives and ruin our health. You feed us poisonous, malnourishing food, and BREAD, BREAD, BREAD, BREAD, BREAD. You build toxic houses that have no insulation and require us to be connected to the power grid, wasting our money on heat all winter long. We’re not allowed to hunt and gather on the land. You build fences, you chop down our forests, you block the wild buffalo from grazing on the prairies, you mow every lawn, you pave asphalt and concrete over every inch of soil in every direction, chop down every single tree, thousand-year-old trees, and then you tell us that we’re NOT ENTITLED to receive a living, for free, from the capitalists in the cities?

We would go back to the land if we could, but you tell us we’re not allowed. Nobody educated us about how to live on the land, because you forced us to endure your public schooling. You destroy all the herds of wild animals so that we have nothing to eat even if we do try to live on the land again. Every wild animal everywhere is destroyed by your pesticides and herbicides, your lawn-mowing, your
tree-chopping, your fences, your asphalt. You won’t let us live on the land, you totally destroy every resource that would be required for us to survive on the land, you tell us that living on the land is impossible when we know it’s possible because WE DID IT in the past, and THEN you have the gall to tell us that we are NOT ENTITLED TO A FREE LIVING from the people who did this to us?

I don’t think I’m going to be able to even get any kind of disability payments from the government. I’m ambulatory. Nobody will take it seriously if I say that I cannot get up for a job at eight in the morning, that working at jobs at eight in the morning drastically increases the likelihood of my calling off sick, that I must work at three in the afternoon, and must work only two days a week – I’ve survived working three days a week, but even that wastes too much of my precious life, which you people took from me. I should have to work ZERO days a week for someone else. Even though I am guaranteed to lose my job every single time my employers decide to spray pesticides, or the government sprays pesticides and herbicides, weed-killer along the highways, routinely, every year, or all the farmers around me put manure on their fields, or it’s football season and hundreds of thousands of people are traveling in and out of this town all at once, bringing the Norovirus with them like clockwork EVERY… SINGLE… TIME…, every weekend, routinely, every Saturday and Sunday I get the Norovirus during football season because of all the people travling through this town – for *YOUR FOOTBALL*, YOU PEOPLE. Not mine! Not me!

And you’re telling me that it’s MY FAULT that I get sick from these things over and over, several times a year, like clockwork, every single year, year after year. I get sick and I lose my job because of these things, but I’m not entitled to disability payments because I don’t have chronic fatigue syndrome so badly as to be bedridden? It’s my fault I’m losing jobs over and over again all these years due to these illnesses, and can’t get hired again because I have to explain to every employer that I lost all my previous jobs due to illness, which we all know will inevitably HAPPEN AGAIN? And I’m not entitled to anything from anyone. Even though THEY made this world, THEY caused these things to happen, THEY make me sick every year. They gave us this horrible food supply. They gave us these poisons. They gave us this lifestyle.

So… part of me doesn’t want to give up. I want to keep trying to get SOME KIND of payment from the government, beyond mere food stamps. BEFORE getting pregnant. I know it’s possible to get benefits AFTER you’re pregnant, but by then, it’s too late, because you’ve been eating the Standard American Diet, and your baby is already deformed. Sure, you can get money from them THEN. Not before. Not while you’re single and childless. Not during the time when you need the most food, and the most expensive special foods, to prepare for a healthy pregnancy, thereby eliminating the need for FUTURE WELFARE RECIPIENTS. If you have healthy babies, then future people won’t be on welfare. They’ll be healthy enough to have jobs. Women need to get lots of financial help BEFORE they get pregnant. And that’s not even saying anything about the need to give MEN a better diet before they conceive a child. I read somewhere that I might get $200 a month in food stamps. That’s not even enough for two weeks of food. I could buy nothing but macaroni, and eat for $200 a month. I certainly cannot buy any REAL food.

You kick us off the land and enslave us in the urban world, but then you won’t even give us free food, and if you do, it’s horrible food. Why would we want to live in this world? We had better food in the forest.

I can’t wait, can’t wait, till it thaws outside. I want to be unemployed all summer long. I want to be unemployed during the time when the plants are growing and the fruit is ripe. I want to learn all the trees, find out which ones have fruits I can eat. I want to learn all the berry bushes, all the green plants, all the hopniss plants and other root vegetables. I want to learn how to hunt, how to kill an animal, how to prepare the body after it’s killed, how to avoid deadly parasites. How do I have time to learn these things when I’m working a job? How do I have time to learn these things when I’m paying rent?

I never finished a decon, either.

My future – it’s there, it’s inevitable, but my brain is just dead, and I cannot look at it. My future is inevitable. It’s so obvious and so inevitable, but I cannot see it, because my brain is dead. My brain needs to be functioning better for me to see the future and prepare for it.

I don’t want to just continue the status quo. If I can get any money at all from the government, I want to start getting it. But if I’m working a job 40 hours a week, I won’t have time to do anything necessary to go get government help.

I should go eat something. Big anti-capitalist rant today, apparently.

Rant: our food supply is horribly boring – I’m sick of the ‘Top 10’ fruits and vegetables

February 18, 2015

3:25 PM 2/18/2015

I drank coffee twice, once Monday and once Tuesday. I was trying to meet a deadline. I had to get some paperwork to the county assistance office. I had to do a lot of bike riding in the freezing cold. I did it, I made it there, and then I encountered someone who probably was a puppet, who had been given the urge to show up at exactly the same time – I have seen her several times recently. She gave me a ride home and we put my bike in the back of her SUV or whatever you call it.

I’m withdrawing from coffee again today. I’m not starting it up again. Those individual cups of coffee were supposed to be an exception. So, I have to go through all of the withdrawal all over again, although perhaps not quite as severely. But still, it takes several days to recover from drinking a cup of coffee.

My brain has to heal. It has to change. Coffee changes a lot of things in your brain, but it’s one of the least harmful drugs out there, so you don’t read a lot of articles about just how horrible it is for you. The effects are subtle. It causes personality changes, changes in the way you think and feel emotionally, and I’ll quote Peter Breggin again: caffeine suppresses spontaneous behavior, and replaces it with obsessive behavior.

These subtle effects are actually very important. And for somebody with chronic fatigue syndrome, they could be even more important. I don’t know how exactly my chronic fatigue changes when I completely quit caffeine, because it’s been so long since I was off it. I have gone through a few phases of quitting it in the past few years, but always got back on rather quickly, or started drinking decaf coffee, which contains enough caffeine that you aren’t experiencing total withdrawal, so you still don’t know what withdrawal really feels like. Decaffeinated coffee is definitely still strong enough.

There’s another thing I would do if I had my way, which is, stop using electric lights after nightfall. However, I have too many temptations here and too many reasons why I need to use lights. When I was camping, all I had was a flashlight, but I always spent my days sitting in restaurants all around town using the wifi, even late in the evening, or working. So I still didn’t really experience natural light and darkness. This affects the circadian rhythms and has unknown effects on your body – somebody somewhere surely knows what it does, but I haven’t researched it much. It can affect fertility too.

I have to recover from the coffee to continue thinking about the future, about scenarios, about possibilities. I have to think about what I am going to do next.

My chronic fatigue would be classified as mild to moderate, and intermittent. Well, it’s always there at a low level, but I have really bad attacks of it sometimes if I’m exposed to pesticides and herbicides. That’s why I also call myself chemical sensitive.

So I feel lucky when I read the horror stories from other people with chronic fatigue syndrome. I’m glad that mine is not that bad. Some people cannot even sit up in bed.

I also read on one page that there was a seafood poison called ciguatoxin. It can cause symptoms of chronic fatigue which can last for years, even decades. So one of the chronic fatigue websites mentioned that they wanted to do some research in that area, perhaps to find out if some of the people who have chronic fatigue actually got this type of food poisoning.

My incident does correlate with a food poisoning incident, and at first I thought it was food poisoning; however, I also remember that at the same time, other people in our town got sick with similar symptoms – I remember talking to people about it. But I just don’t remember. There may have been more than one incident. I just remember the incident where Eric and I visited some of his friends or family or someone in another town, Harrisburg or somewhere, and we ate at a restaurant. His daughter threw up after we ate there. She threw up right in the middle of the floor in the restaurant. It was after that that Eric and I got sick too, for weeks, and then I was sick for months after that; however, I’m also remembering correlations with several other things – they sprayed for gypsy moths, and I remember researching it and finding out that the gypsy moth spray contains a bacteria that disrupts the moths’ digestive systems, and my own digestive system was disrupted at the exact time they were spraying this, and I starved for months and months, unable to eat more than a bite of food.

I remember there were several correlations that I suspected as having caused my illness. There was the food poisoning, the gypsy moth spray, and the conversations with several other people in town who all got sick with something that made us want to lay our heads down on the desk because our necks were too weak to hold up our heavy heads – it was that one particular unique symptom that other people described along with me.

I also thought it could have been becacuse I donated plasma around that time, too. I looked back and saw several things that could have correlated with the onset of my illness, and was never sure which one it was.

Oh yes, I also remember we went swimming in unchlorinated water, in a lake somewhere, and we used to do that a lot back then. I thought I could have gotten a parasite.

I also remember that I went for a walk back in the woods, and I walked underneath these sprayer, sprinkler things that were irrigating the ground. I found out later that actually those were spraying some kind of sewage water, maybe gray water, which came from town or someplace, and it was a way of recycling the water or treating it or something. I walked under those sprinklers for fun, thinking it was neat that they had these sprinklers way back in some field back in the woods. I thought later on maybe that made me sick.

Anyway, I’m continuing to quit coffee, once again. I’m back on the wagon. I will continue to observe how my brain and body changes as I go into withdrawal. My brain must heal and change back into a caffeine-free brain. I don’t know what kind of personality changes and thought and feeling changes it will cause. But I will be able to observe the sensations of pain and fatigue in my muscles and joints after every trivial task that I do; however, in caffeine withdrawal, for some reason, I become more willing to do those little trivial tasks spontaneously.

It frustrates me – I looked at the lady’s blog, Occupy CFS, and she says nothing at all about her diet or use of drugs. I have no information at all from her about how diet and drugs could be affecting her illness. She has a husband, so she doesn’t live alone, which is a good thing for someone with an illness, and so she is better taken care of than someone who is totally alone and suffering badly.

She said something about how people had written to her asking her if she had tried this or that weird diet. She wrote about this as though it was an offensive thing to say to someone who has chronic fatigue. Like it’s politically incorrect or rude to ask a chronically fatigued person if they have noticed any connection with the foods they eat or the drugs they use daily. She acts as though those things are just unimportant.

But to me, it is important – those are the things you have direct control over. You don’t have control over what all the politicians and doctors are doing, but you can control what you eat every day. However, she takes the opposite approach: she talks to the government and all those people about making laws, defining the disease, getting funding for research, and all that, but says not a single word about doing anything at home yourself to reduce the symptoms or make yourself better.

It’s that kind of thing that makes me wonder. I wonder, are some of these bedridden people, who cannot lift an arm to feed themselves, sicker than they ought to be as a result of something in their lifestyle? Are there chemicals they should be avoiding? Is their house toxic? Do they have mold, pesticides? These people with pounding hearts and tachycardia, do they have drug residues or poisonous plants outside that affect the heart? What drugs are they taking? Can any of this be a side effect of some other drug? Many of the people writing about chronic fatigue syndrome do not speak a single word about how the drugs people use can cause severe fatigue as a side effect. Or how St. John’s Wort is well known for causing orthostatic intolerance – getting dizzy when you stand up, and having suddenly lower blood pressure, and autonomic dys-something, I forget, autonomic dysregulation or something, caused by St. John’s Wort. I have no information about whether all these people with severe chronic fatigue could have other factors causing or worsening their fatigue.

And yet, I do have to admit that I have some kind of permanent disease, which I cannot completely cure on my own. In order to treat my disease, I have to do all this weird and difficult stuff that other people don’t have to do. Other people live easy lives and can do whatever they want, but I have to be careful, I have to avoid particular foods and chemicals, and so on. I have a harder life because of a chronic illness, but yet, to some limited extent, I can improve my own symptoms by taking action myself.

That’s why I stopped reading about chronic fatigue syndrome. People weren’t writing about techniques for treating it yourself to the best of your ability. I was more interested in learning about chemical sensitivity, about which chemicals were known to cause problems for people, environmental illness, pollution, poisonous plants, sick buildings, special diets, the side effects of drugs, vaccine effects, and so on, all things which can trigger illnesses, make them worse, or even give you a chronic illness in the first place (vaccines in particular). I also found Weston Price and learned about the deformities, which give you lifelong vulnerability to particular kinds of illnesses.

So I specialized in learning about things that might possibly give me hope for at least improving my symptoms myself. But still, I was not as strong as other people, and could not just do whatever I wanted, and so I am admitting that I do still have a chronic illness.

But even so I can’t help being curious. The lady who writes that blog, what does she eat every day? What drugs does she use? What herbal drugs, what supplements, etc? Not a word.

There are plenty of other people in plenty of other forums who *do* write about their attempts to treat their own illnesses with special diets and other things. Millions of people are out there, trying and trying and trying to treat themselves as best as they can. They are not spending their energy trying to get doctors and government to label their illness or put research funding into it.

The only reason why any of this matters to me at all is because I am wondering if I can get this recognized as a disability and get disability payments for it, or be able to demand to my employers that they make allowances for my disability – for example, stop firing me if I have to call off sick because they sprayed pesticides all over the building. Let me work only two days a week so that I can have a life, because if I work five days a week, my entire life completely vanishes and ceases to exist, and I cannot cook food for myself. If I can get them to officially label me as having a disability, then I can get a job someplace and demand that, because of my disability, I have to work a limited number of hours a week instead of Worshipping the Sacred Schedule, the absolutely inflexible and unchangeable schedule of five days a week, Monday through Friday, 8am to 5pm or something similar, with a one hour lunch break at either 11am or 12pm, forever and ever and ever and ever. That is a life destroying schedule.

I’ve been hating the entire world today again, because of food. There is no variety in our food supply. All you ever see are the same familiar fruits and vegetables – no wild foraged native plants indigenous to this region, just the cultivated strawberries, apples, and so on. That annoys me every time I visit the county assistance office. They have all these pamphlets teaching people about healthy nutrition. All of them are borderline vegetarian without outright saying so. They include lowfat dairy, if I recall, but even that is something that isn’t emphasized. It’s all about fruits and
vegetables, and the fruits and vegetables they show are the same ‘Top 40’ that we’ve seen all our lives and eaten ten thousand times already. Except it’s more like the Top 10 or so. Just the same ten fruits and vegetables that are most familiar to the largest number of people. They never challenge anyone to try something they haven’t eaten before. Just keep eating the same Top 10 fruits and vegetables forever until the day you die. I hate that! I hate this world, I hate grocery stores, I hate people who force everybody everywhere to eat the Top 10, I hate farmers who refuse to grow anything unusual and will only grow more and more of the Top 10 and sell them and sell them and sell them, and nothing but them, while spraying herbicide to kill off all the delicious, edible Lamb’s Quarters growing around their cultivated plants, and probably pulling up hopniss plants and throwing them in the garbage, while I scream.

I did get ice cream. (I bought it – I have a small amount of money left from my tax refund.  It’s Turkey Hill All Natural, the kind without disgusting thickening agents or gums.  I LOVE it.) Maybe that’s what the voices meant – they said ‘I scream.’ I haven’t eaten much today. I ate only ice cream, and some sesame seeds. I’m actually hungry for some solid food. I do have stuff in the fridge which I will go eat. It’s just that none of this is stuff I would buy. And I keep getting constipated repeatedly, which is *extremely* annoying to a person who is knowledgeable enough to NEVER, EVER get constipated if I have a choice about what foods I am eating. All of this garbage is fortified with iron, and I’m going to go out on a limb and make a strong statement, that I will say, you should usually assume, as a rule of thumb, that *all constipation is ALWAYS caused by mineral iron added to foods.* ALL CONSTIPATION. No matter what, no matter who, no matter why they believe they’re constipated, just assume they don’t know what they’re talking about and that the cause is actually mineral iron poisoning from iron fortified foods (bread, pasta, cereal). Heroin users get contipation, which develops into toxic megacolon, as a result of using heroin, but that’s the only exception to this rule (and other drugs, prescription drugs). Then I have to read some bullshit article somewhere about how constipation is caused by ‘not drinking enough water.’ That is ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT and it’s as wrong as saying that little fairies move the sun and moon across the sky.

I should go eat. I have iron-fortified noodles in the fridge. I’ll go get that after I finish this.

Caffeine withdrawal causes temporary constipation, but it fixes itself quickly. This has been constipation that happens EVEN WHEN I’m drinking coffee, sometimes a LOT of coffee.

I want to eat pancetta again, the pork belly fat which I fry in a pan with something like spinach, garlic, what else? I throw random things in there. Whole vegetables, chopped up. Frozen vegetables too. Onions, garlic. I’d be eating wild garlic too if I had my way. I never forage because summer is the only time of year when I always feel healthy enough to HAVE A JOB. Summer is ALWAYS the time of year when I am working the largest number of hours a week, and having no free time at all for foraging, and it’s the exact moment when all the food is there. So in all these years I’ve never learned to identify the edible berries, like serviceberries and other things that grow around here, even after hearing someone say he had a bush in his backyard and I know where to look for it. I miss all that. I miss all the flowering and the fruits and nuts and the greens because that’s always when I feel well enough to work a lot of hours. If only, if only, I could stay unemployed during the SUMMER, I would FINALLY learn about foraging!

Time to go eat. I need to find the cats too.

I miss Jesse. ❤ I love you Jesse and can’t wait till I see you again.

I had one cup of coffee; I talked with MJ about the food stamps form and other things; I’m going to Jesse’s house for dinner

February 16, 2015

2:08 PM 2/16/2015

Today I had one cup of coffee when I woke up. It gave me the shakes. My hands were actually trembling. It was a strong cup of coffee, made with two heaping spoonfuls of coffee grounds, which I boiled right in the cup of water in the microwave. I don’t have milk or sugar, so I drank it black, which was not at all enjoyable. It’s an obvious sign of my addiction that I would drink something so disgusting and unpleasant and bitter, for a purpose, without enjoying it at all. I can see how it’s enjoyable if you have plenty of cream and sugar in it, a very pleasant drink like a cup of hot chocolate, but black coffee is a bitter poison that you clearly only are drinking for its drug effects.

I was having anxiety attacks this morning, which was why I said yes to drinking the coffee. I’ve also been constipated again, and coffee helps with that. I’m constipated from eating iron-enriched bread, and quitting coffee temporarily causes constipation, but then you go back to normal after being in withdrawal for a while. But it’s much worse because of the iron-enriched breads and the fact that I cannot choose my usual preferred foods. I usually eat in a way that never causes any constipation at all. It’s extremely unusual when it happens and it’s clearly and obviously caused by my lack of control over my diet.

I took a shower, and brushed my teeth, and combed my hair, and lint-rolled my clothes because they’re made of a staticky fabric that all the hair clings to, and those loose hairs were annoying me. Then, after I braided my hair, I went downstairs and had a conversation with Mary Jo about the form that needs to be filled out by the landlord so that I can get food stamps.

I told her how I understood her position, how she didn’t want the government to look into our arrangement and start taxing her, and assured her that I agree with her on that and I don’t want that to happen either. I told her that she was allowed to say ‘no’ to filling out this form if it seemed to threatening to her, and that I did not want her to feel pressured or threatened by me and the government. I told her that I would figure something out regardless of what she did, and that I’ve been feeling somewhat better and I might be ready to try going back to work again. I’ve been thinking of going to another temp agency where I worked in the past, where they gave me these skills tests – Adecco didn’t do any skills tests, so I couldn’t prove that I was able to use office software and that kind of thing – but Manpower tested me on my skills and then got me desk jobs, doing data entry and that kind of thing. That will be what I’m going to aim for, if I do it.

So I had to think about it for the past few days. I focused on the scenario where, perhaps, Mary Jo said no to filling out this form. I thought of the worst things that could happen, like I might have to move out and then go to the homeless shelter and go to ‘Housing Transitions’ and get subsidized housing. The reason that’s bad is because I wanted to live in this location so that I could be within walking distance of Jesse’s house and also close to my two jobs. If I was forced to move to a location that I didn’t choose, then I would be far away from Jesse’s house (but he’s not there anyway, he’s in the army), far away from the Food Bank, far away from the churches where I’m eating dinners and getting free bread, and far away from McD and TB if, for some reason, I wanted to go back to work there. I had to think about that scenario possibly happening.

I practiced something I called ‘Scenario Acceptance.’ I had to expend mental energy to develop possible scenarios even if I did not like them. Normally, I only imagine future scenarios that 1. seem very likely to happen, and 2. that I like and hope will happen. I don’t usually spend any energy at all thinking about (or accepting the reality of) scenarios that I don’t want to happen or that seem less likely to happen.

For example, I haven’t written a will, which would describe what I want to have done with me and my belongings after death, if I should die unexpectedly or in an accident. And yet, that is a possible scenario, which I dislike.

I could have an accident on my bicycle and end up as a quadriplegic or end up in a coma. I don’t spend any energy thinking of that scenario because I don’t like it and I think it’s unlikely to happen. I feel like I have the power to prevent it, by not doing anything stupid or risky.

However, things have happened which were not under my control – one day, several months ago, the chain on my bike suddenly slipped out of gear when I was about to pedal across the street, and my foot went flying, I lost my balance, and fell off my bike, splat onto the pavement. Fortunately, I was right at the edge of the road, and no cars were coming. But if I had fallen right in front of a car, I would have gotten hit, because of a stupid equipment failure on my bike. I’ve had this happen before with my bike gears, and ever since that incident, I’ve been extremely cautious never to put all my weight down on the pedal suddenly if I am in a dangerous position.

So I practice Scenario Acceptance, and I wrote down just a small number of possible scenarios that could happen in the near future, even if I disliked the thought of them and didn’t want them to happen. Just accepting that they *could* happen made me feel much better prepared for them, and I felt less helpless and less powerless when I talked to Mary Jo.

Mary Jo and I actually talked for a little while about various things, about her finances and her health. She said she would try to fill out the form but that she might want to write a note on it or change the wording. I had discussed this with one of the ladies at the county assistance office, who said it was okay (the lady who said ‘thank you’ twice to me when I was leaving). So actually, Mary Jo is going to try to fill out the form to help me get food stamps.

I’m going to Jesse’s house later today if all goes well, and I’m going to eat dinner. I invited myself, but his mom had said I was welcome anytime. I need to get his paper letter address now. He wrote me one letter, but it was from the address of the base in general, not from his specific room, and it was when he first got there and was just going through the process of getting in and doing all the paperwork in the beginning. So he didn’t know his address yet.

I talked with his mom through facebook, and she mentioned having his address and said she would give it to me, but she didn’t send it in a message from facebook, so I hope I will get it when I visit today. I started to feel worried, like maybe Jesse had told her something about not giving me his address because he didn’t want to get a lot of letters from me, or something. I started to be afraid that maybe he was deciding to block me out of his life, that maybe he had changed his mind about being with me and that I wasn’t supposed to get his address at all. I started to worry that I had become ‘persona non grata’ (if that phrase means what I think it means), the unwelcome person that we aren’t going to let in.

I have to think about scenarios involving Jesse. I have this unrealistic fantasy, this wish, that I will somehow be able to get my body ready for pregnancy, and that I will also have my financial situation ready for it, so that somehow I can have an income without working at a job, and then, somehow, Jesse will get me pregnant in the moment between the time when he finishes boot camp, before he goes away to be stationed somewhere or deployed. However, in reality, I won’t have anything ready by that time. He finishes at the beginning of May. I am still struggling to get anything ready at all.

According to Weston Price (and also, if you look at diagrams or pictures of the ovaries on any mainstream medical website), the eggs in the ovaries are starting to form slowly over a period of many months before they are mature and ready to be released. They don’t just develop in one month. That is the reason why primitive tribes give the woman (and the man, too) a special diet for about six months before they conceive a child. It takes several months for the eggs and sperm to develop, so you have to start eating the special diet for many months before you even conceive the baby. The eggs will develop properly, without any defects, over a period of many months while you are eating the nourishing diet and avoiding toxins. I won’t be able to do anything for Jesse’s diet, but hopefully he’s eating enough food in the army to have somewhat decent nutrition.

That is also one of the reasons why ‘they’ wanted me to be with a young man, because a young man has fewer sperm defects. An older man can reduce the number of defects in his sperm too if he eats the right diet and avoids drugs and chemicals (and if he wears boxer shorts and doesn’t ride a bicycle and doesn’t keep his cell phone or laptop with wifi next to his testicles, etc, etc, all the stuff that they say can damage the sperm). I myself had no objection to being with an older man.

Jesse was a ‘gift’ that ‘they’ gave to me, and I accepted it. He is a wonderful gift and I am grateful to have him in my life in spite of his imperfections. I am privileged to have been with him in the year 2014. It was a special time, as challenging as it was.

I still hope to continue being with him, but in order to do that, I have to envision and accept realistic future scenarios. I can’t just magically do the things that I’m wishing I can do. Those images and dreams were very unrealistic and surely will not happen. It still will be possible for me to be with him, but those scenarios will require effort.

My central scenario, the most likely one, the most probable one, is the one that requires the least amount of effort and the most passivity. The path of least resistance, into the future. What will happen if I do nothing, or as little as possible. There are inevitable consequences to doing nothing, absolutely nothing. Sooner or later, I will have inevitable conflicts with this or that person if I do absolutely nothing at all. For example, I could do nothing, and end up being totally unable to pay the rent in my apartment. I could also, simultaneously, not even bother having a conversation with Mary Jo about this problem, and not offering to negotiate anything, help with the housework (I talked to her today about this, about how I could help with housework more, and oops, I have to remember I said I would wash the dishes this afternoon, which I will do after I post this blog, if I remember). It’s impossible to see, impossible to think about, but I can see it, I just don’t like to admit it or describe it. Mary Jo could be angry and yelling at me to get out. That’s when I would go to the homeless shelter. There are also more nuances of the scenarios, like something where we negotiate an agreement, talk about what to do, and create a solution together.

I have to stay off caffeine if I want to be able to think about future scenarios, and also if I want to be able to have ‘Spontaneous Cleaning Behaviors.’ I was noticing, while I was in withdrawal the last couple days, that I became able to do Spontaneous Cleaning Behaviors for small things around my bedroom, like washing a few dishes or picking things up off the floor. I only do that while decaffeinated, and I also spend less time blogging. In order for me to continue doing Spontaneous Cleaning Behaviors, and in order for me to continue practicing Scenario Acceptance and making realistic future plans, I must stay off caffeine. I had one cup today.

I’ll go ahead and post this and then see if Mary Jo’s done in the kitchen so that I can go wash the plastic dishes for her like I said I would do.

Today I felt hope

February 15, 2015

It was a tiny spark of hope for a brief moment. I’m still off caffeine, although ‘they’ suggested for me to have one cup of coffee this evening, and for some reason I ended up not doing it. I think they wanted me to use it to do paperwork or something. I don’t know.

My hip is slightly better, but maybe the weather is changing. It probably was bad because of the weather. I’m still being gentle and not putting much weight on it. I should stay off caffeine until it feels significantly better.

I’ve been thinking of horribly morbid subjects like quadriplegics or people with all their arms and legs blown off in the war, people in comas, that kind of thing, the worst thing that can happen to you while you’re still alive. There are other things too, like being captured and kidnapped and kept alive someplace in a small cage, or in jail for the rest of your life.

I have a desire to help all those people, but I don’t have the power to help them. And my chronic fatigue is so bad that I can barely even do stuff like cleaning the room. Towards the evening, I started feeling better and did some more cleaning, but I took a nap all afternoon. I feel better in the evening probably because, according to my theory, the ionosphere is farther away from the earth at night, and I feel less of a burning sensation when it’s far away. It’s only my theory. Day/night reversal is said to be common in people with chronic fatigue.

But I felt hope for a moment again, like maybe things were possible, like maybe I could start my own business. Usually it’s caffeine that makes me feel hope. I want to be able to feel it without caffeine and without any drugs.

The weather goes all the way to March 31

February 15, 2015

Everyone knows that the long range weather forecast is just made up. But I like looking at it anyway. They think that maybe, perhaps, two weeks from now, it will finally get above freezing. That’s nice. Finally, by the end of February. But it goes farther than that. On March 31, we will have considerable cloudiness, with a high of 43 and a low of 26.

I just hate it that I can’t let my poor cats out. We’ve been at 0 degrees today, and it got up to a whopping high of 7.

Doing small tasks, and resting for a disproportionately long time after each one

February 15, 2015

11:37 AM 2/15/2015

I’m still off caffeine today, so I guess this is the third day. My headache is gone today, although sometimes something makes it come back after it’s been gone. But I feel like it’s mostly gone permanently now.

I am now paying attention to my chronic fatigue syndrome, systemic exertion intolerance disease. SEID. Other people said they don’t like the new name. I don’t either, it’s hard to say, and I agree with somebody who said that nobody would recognize what it means unless they were already ‘in the know.’ If you didn’t know what that was already, you wouldn’t recognize it by reading the name. But you know what ‘chronic fatigue syndrome’ would mean just by reading the name; however, that’s less precise of a description of what is going on.

So I’m paying attention to everything I do today. When I am off caffeine, I can do this. I am more able to pay attention to what I do and how long it takes, as I do every little task all day long. Peter Breggin was right: caffeine gets rid of spontaneous behavior, and replaces it with obsessive behavior. I can do a little bit of spontaneous cleaning now. My room is an absolute pile of filth. That’s also because of winter. Winter is almost over, so I am probably feeling a bit better because of that.

I have observed that it’s true, the slightest trivial actions cause my muscles to be in pain for many minutes afterwards. For example, I got up and washed my juicer machine, which has been sitting there dirty for months. I used it not too long ago and washed it then, but even so, afterwards I put it back down in the same place and left it dirty again.

I washed it in my bathroom sink, which is a non-ergonomic, tiny little sink that can’t hold much of anything. If you have chronic fatigue, ergonomics matters enormously.

I had to use my arm muscles to scrub the dried fruit off the parts of the juicer. It took me about fifteen minutes (I’m writing this stuff down today, for observations and records) to wash it. Afterwards, I laid down on the bed and rested for maybe 25 minutes because my arms were in pain.

I cannot just jump right to the next task and continue doing one task after another at very high speed, constantly. When I use so much caffeine that my entire body feels nothing, I am able to function at McDonald’s, or I was. But I was slowing down, and I became aware of it. Other faster people would work on the table and they would be faster than I was, even though I had many years of experience.

I just have a reluctance to move fast (unless I’m numb with gallons of caffeine), because moving your bones at high speed puts greater stress on the bones and joints than it does if you move them at slow speed. The same is true of a car engine, or any machine with moving parts. Moving the parts of a machine at high speed puts more stress on them. You have to yank the bones harder, pull the muscles harder, pull the tendons harder, to make them all move that fast.

If I am uncaffeinated, I am able to move slowly and pay attention to how much pain it causes, and I don’t move any faster than I can tolerate. If something is causing pain, you shouldn’t do it. If a job requires you to use drugs so that you can endure the pain of working that fast, then you shouldn’t do that job.

The blog that I started reading is Occupy CFS, . I’m learning stuff there, and seeing comments from hundreds of other people who also have CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome, now called SEID, which nobody has gotten used to yet).

I’m learning about exertion intolerance. They’ve done tests comparing normal people with people who have chronic fatigue. They make them ride an exercise bike and measure their heart rate and other stuff. A chronic fatigued person takes much, much, much longer to recover from this test than a normal person does. The author of the blog took about three weeks to recover from the test.

They can measure things like your anaerobic tolerance, the moment when your body is no longer burning energy with oxygen, and switches to burning energy without oxygen. I hope I explained that correctly because I’ve only just begun reading about it. The people with chronic fatigue are not doing aerobic burning for very long before they switch over to anaerobic. For some reason, aerobic energy burning isn’t working very well, and they have to start relying on anaerobic too soon.

This really makes me wonder about the ketogenic diet. You burn ketones, you burn fat, you burn something other than carbohydrates. The ketogenic diet helps people who have seizures.

And I swear I experienced it. I just don’t know if what I experienced was caused by chicken bone marrow, or whether it was caused by ketosis. I made this soup where I used vinegar and tried to make bone broth out of chicken. I didn’t cook it long enough to really make bone broth. But I ended up eating it anyway.

And I remember, I ran up the hill of the Mt. Nittany trail as though I had endless energy. I ran straight up it. I was light. I had never had that much energy in decades, or maybe not in my entire life.

However, I didn’t allow the ketosis to go on very long, because it affected my brain and my mood, making me sort of angry. I only did it that one time. I figured out what was happening because I had already been educated to recognize these things and know about them. I already knew what happens if you eat meals that contain little or no carbohydrates for a long enough time. I took nutrition class in college and had been reading about nutrition for many years.

I suspect it could have been chicken bone marrow, if my bone broth with vinegar was successful, or maybe chicken bone calcium. Something similar happened when I ate the bone marrow. I had all this energy and had to run around the parking lot outside the apartment I was in; however, it was an unpleasant and uncomfortable energy, and I was sick, and it felt like it raised my blood pressure and poisoned me somehow. It felt bad, so I didn’t eat beef bone marrow again. I tolerate chicken bone marrow better, but maybe, that incident might have been the same thing.

It’s hard for me to test anything. I could start testing this now with the soup I have downstairs. It’s just that anything that requires effort is going to happen slowly. I’ve been eating plenty of carbohydrates today, so if I reacted the same way to the chicken bone marrow, getting lots of energy and running around, I would know it wasn’t ketosis.

The muscle pain from having washed that juicer actually is lasting for hours and hours. My arms still hurt. Usually, this pain is subconscious because I’m on so much caffeine that I can’t feel any pain. But it prevents me from doing tasks even so. I don’t get anything done when I’m on caffeine either, I just can’t feel any pain. Since I’m paying attention and keeping a record of everything I do today, I am aware that my arms still hurt after having merely spent fifteen minutes scrubbing some stuff in the bathroom sink.

People with chronic fatigue tell the same story that I tell. A sudden, strange illness, and then, you never go back to the way you were. The illness may last for months, and then you get somewhat better, but never completely recover. That’s what happened to me in 1998.

I believe that people who do not have the Weston Price deformities, and people who have been eating a healthy primitive diet their whole lives, are probably less likely to catch these diseases and more likely to recover completely if they do. However, I saw the lady who writes the Occupy CFS blog in a photo – she took a photo of herself with two sports team guys who she encountered at a store someplace – and she doesn’t seem to have severe deformities, but I can’t see her well enough.

Anyway, so today I am doing small tasks and writing down what I’ve done and what time it was. I’m taking breaks in between the tasks. I’m observing the pain levels after doing them. I’m accepting that I really do have a disease, and that this disease can be measured and tested. I am convinced because of her blog. She talked about actually going and doing this exercise bike test thing, and about how they have data about how normal people respond to the test, versus people who have CFS.

Sure, I could use a hundred drugs and force my body to move fast and run around. I would destroy my old injured hip more and more. I would deplete all the minerals out of my bones. I would go to extremes that other people don’t have to go to, people who don’t have chronic fatigue syndrome.

I don’t actually want a ‘desk job’ either. I want to work for myself, either by hunting and gathering and making my own tools, or farming on my own at my own pace, or writing, or creating something, or starting my own business. I don’t want a desk job because I would have to worship the sacred schedule, and they are never flexible.

I’m going to move on to more tasks and more testing. Without caffeine, I actually become *more* willing and able to do small cleaning tasks. Caffeine only works on the first or second day that you take it, and after that, it does nothing but maintain an addiction. It really does help a lot the first few times you use it. It also suppresses the pain, and it does keep doing that the whole time you take it.

But it’s better for you to be aware of the pain, to feel it and obey it. If your elbows hurt because you’re bending your arms too fast making sandwiches at McDonald’s, if you work too long without taking a break, if you need to take a break every fifteen minutes and that break has to last thirty minutes, you won’t have that information if you don’t feel your pain. There really is something wrong with me. I am not normal. I am not merely a normal person who complains too much. Other people really do have it easier than I do, and I’ve seen the tests and the data.

I just didn’t read about chronic fatigue all this time because I wasn’t intending to try to get disability payments for it. I kept hoping that I would be able to treat myself somehow and find something that would work well enough for me that I could function as well as a normal person, well enough to take care of myself without getting government money.

I also didn’t want to marry a man for the money, but that was an option too, all this time. I could have chronic fatigue and stay at home watching soap operas and be like a normal wife, but I didn’t want to do that.

Anyway, I’m going to continue working and testing. It’s ridiculous how much my arm muscles hurt merely from having washed some stuff in the sink at 10:40 am.

I just hope I can stay off caffeine. And I hope I can meet the deadlines that I am trying to see, which I cannot see, as time passes in the future, as I have brief opportunities to do this or that. I was trying yesterday to write these deadlines and timelines down. When I am in caffeine withdrawal, I do that, during a phase of the withdrawal, but then I usually go back to normal where I can’t see the future anymore. I was trying to see the future yesterday, writing down timelines for when things happen, such as when I need to get money from the government if I am going to pay April’s rent. I can pay the March rent. I can’t pay April. I can also go to the community help center.

My greatest anxiety is asking for help, and feeling entitled to receive it, having to talk to a person, feeling that person’s anger and resentment towards me, feeling their reluctance to give me the money, having to keep asking until I get it, in spite of their negative emotions.

I had an awkward moment last time I went to the county assistance office. I was asking the lady a question about how Mary Jo doesn’t want to be called a ‘landlord’ because she isn’t profiting from me. I’m just reducing her expenses somewhat, and actually, with all the heat that I use from the space heater in my bedroom, I might even cause a net increase in her expenses. Anyway, she’s not profiting and doesn’t want to be taxed on the ‘income.’ This is a major worry, and I still haven’t talked to her about signing the paper, and I have to go to the office on Tuesday, this Tuesday, and today is Sunday. So, I was asking this lady at the assistance office about it, and afterwards, when it was time for me to leave, the lady said, ‘Thank you,’ to me, as I was leaving, and then I saw her again and she said, ‘Thank you’ again. I became silent and unable to speak. I understood that she was probably urging me to thank her, but I was unable to speak. I thought I had already thanked her, but maybe I didn’t, or maybe I didn’t say it enough. I’m accustomed to people saying ‘see you later’ or something to say goodbye.

Okay, it’s time for me to get back to work. More tasks, more testing, more recording, more observing, more feeling the pain and resting for a disproportionately long time after every trivial task.

Eating a piece of chicken cartilage

February 14, 2015


3:35 PM 2/14/2015

Well, I cheated.  I first chewed up a piece of bagel, and then I put the little chicken leg ball joint cartilage into the mouthful of bread, then swallowed it, without ever letting the cartilage even touch the inside of my mouth.  It will be a few minutes before my stomach figures out what happened, and then, I might get sick, I don’t know yet.

I didn’t eat a bone or anything, it’s just a little round ball of cartilage on the end of the leg bone.  It’s soft.  I just boiled two chicken leg quarters – that’s the drumstick and also the thigh, together – in water in a saucepan for a while, maybe an hour, maybe a little less than an hour.

I’d like to go further and make bone broth out of it too, but first I will just try eating this little bit of stuff, and I’ll need to separate the chicken meat out of it before I do anything with the bones.  I’m also getting some nice broth with chicken fat in it as it is right now, even though I didn’t cook it very long and didn’t get the marrow out of the bones.  I might actually break open the bones (after taking all the meat out of the pan) to let the marrow come out into the water.  For some strange reason, I’m able to tolerate eating chicken bone marrow – it doesn’t make me almost vomit like beef bone marrow.

Just a simple nothing-but-chicken soup is what I have here, nothing added to it.  I really wish I had organic chicken that met all my farming criteria and that I was sure had no additives – they sometimes add things, like injecting fluids into the chicken at some time during the processing, and they sometimes add flavorings and stuff – I don’t want any of that, but oh well, this is better than nothing.  I can’t *always* eat the highest quality organic ball joint cartilage, you know.

Let’s hope that I do not throw up.  I already ate the one.  I don’t know if I will attempt to eat more than one.  They’re very small, but cartilage is very allergenic or irritating somehow, so it doesn’t take much to make you sick.

cooking chicken legs

February 14, 2015

2:56 PM 2/14/2015

I’m cooking chicken legs. I got them frozen at the food bank. They’re from a local farm, Bierly’s. Some of the stuff donated to the food banks and the churches really is nice stuff, from some of the fancier stores (Wegman’s, Trader Joe’s). This chicken isn’t just Factory Farm Incorporated, it’s some local farm. I’m not saying it’s organic or that they would do everything perfectly, but conditions at a smaller farm tend in general to be somewhat better (this is a very general statement) than the large factory farms making brand name chicken. I might describe them as ‘slightly less horrific.’ It still probably won’t be the same as free range chickens eating insects out of the deep black forest mulch in the woods, which is my ideal type of chicken.

I’m going to try to eat the ball joint off the chicken leg. I don’t know if I can. Eating chicken cartilage makes me feel like I’m gonna vomit. But I need to eat chicken leg ball joints right now.

My hip feels slightly better now that I’m off coffee. Who knows how long I’ll be off coffee. But the hip still needs to rebuild. I can’t rebuild it on a malnourishing diet. It has always healed itself before if I have ever done anything to make it hurt, but I’m on a pretty bad diet right now, with a few exceptions, some of this nice stuff that I got from the food bank and all that. Still, it’s not the best diet and I can’t choose the weird foods I normally would have wanted.

This thing of not being able to buy food has had kind of a good consequence, which is, I’m not buying sugar. So I am not able to add sugar to anything, I can only eat foods that already have sugar in them, which there aren’t a lot of.

Trees are the answer. I’ve seen it on a bumper sticker. Trees will fix the soil better than anything else will. Let the trees grow, and their roots will go deep underground, where they will find minerals that haven’t been leached away yet. They will bring those minerals up and make them into leaves and wood, which will fall to the ground, providing mineral-rich organic compost. It’s different from short-lived plants with shallow roots. Those plants can only take minerals from the top layer of soil, the layer that’s been getting tilled over and over for decades when people have been farming it and depleting all the minerals. Trees can go way below that level into fresh soil that hasn’t ever been touched.

I’d love to do permaculture, and enjoyed reading a forum about it, but haven’t the resources right now. Also, today’s challenge is accepting the reality of the fact that I *really do have a disease*. I really do have chronic fatigue syndrome, systemic exertion intolerance disease. I’m in caffeine withdrawal, so I may feel worse than usual now, but even so, I observe pain and fatigue after even slight, trivial exertions, like when I washed my earplugs in the sink with dish soap. It was maybe the combination of using my arm muscles to squeeze and scrub the earplugs, and also a chemical exposure from the dish soap going through my skin.

But, the idea is, I shouldn’t have to worry about these things. I shouldn’t have to go lay down in bed because I’m suddenly exhausted after washing the earplugs. It doesn’t matter if it’s chemical sensitivity, it just shouldn’t be happening. I can try my best to avoid all those chemicals, but even so, I should not have to go to such great lengths to avoid every little thing that will trigger my fatigue, and I don’t have control over all the idiots who want to go out and spray herbicide all along the entire side of the road and up all the access ways underneath the power lines on the mountains, instead of just herding a team of goats along there to eat all the weeds.

I’m waiting for my chicken to cook. I’m going to try to eat the inedible parts of the legs, the tendons, the joint. What else could I do, but eat the joints that I’m trying to repair in my body? Unfortunately, cartilage type substances will cause you to feel like you’re going to vomit, so I’m going to eat them in small amounts, in between mouthfuls of other things, to sort of dilute them.

Reading Weston Price again; hoping that my caffeine withdrawal will last long enough for me to reshape my future goals

February 13, 2015

3:12 PM 2/13/2015

I haven’t had coffee this morning. As of right now I don’t have a headache yet. It takes a while to build up. I have had a few cravings. The only thing that was different was, in the hours of the morning and noon and early afternoon, I just sort of slept for a while. Usually at that time of day, I’ve had one or two cups of coffee, and I will sit in bed reading the internet or writing a huge long blog that takes hours. So I would be awake, but not doing anything productive, because I don’t count my blogs as productive: they are not goal oriented, and I do not earn money from them.

So I napped a little bit longer, while also having several attacks of anxiety. I felt like I ‘should be doing something’ instead of napping, but what would I be doing, really? Reading the internet and blogging is always what I do at that time of day. Coffee doesn’t make me get up earlier and do anything productive. It makes me stay awake doing things which are not productive, while preventing me from sleeping in during those hours.

Earlier today I decided it was time to read Weston Price again. This book is the most beautiful book on earth.

I don’t have the book – I gave it to the library when I did a decon several years ago. It’s okay, I just downloaded the pdf from Australia’s Project Gutenberg. Not sure why it’s not in the American Gutenberg, but it doesn’t matter. The version of the book that I had had some extra material at the end of the book, photos and stuff, which aren’t in this online version, but that’s okay too. The most important stuff is in here.

At the altitude of the Loetschental Valley the winters are long, and the summers short but beautiful, and accompanied by extraordinarily rapid and luxuriant growth. The meadows are fragrant with Alpine flowers, with violets like pansies, which bloom all summer in deepest hues.

The people of the Loetschental Valley make up a community of two thousand who have been a world unto themselves. They have neither physician nor dentist because they have so little need for them; they have neither policeman nor jail, because they have no need for them. The clothing has been the substantial homespuns made from the wool of their sheep. The valley has produced not only everything that is needed for clothing, but practically everything that is needed for food. It has been the achievement of the valley to build some of the finest physiques in all Europe. This is attested to by the fact that many of the famous Swiss guards of the Vatican at Rome, who are the admiration of the world and are the pride of Switzerland, have been selected from this and other Alpine valleys. It is every Loetschental boy’s ambition to be a Vatican guard. Notwithstanding the fact that tuberculosis is the most serious disease of Switzerland, according to a statement given me by a government official, a recent report of inspection of this valley did not reveal a single case. I was aided in my studies in Switzerland by the excellent cooperation of the Reverend John Siegen, the pastor of the one church of this beautiful valley.

Hay is cut for winter feeding of the cattle, and this hay grows rapidly. The hay proved, on chemical analysis made at my laboratory, to be far above the average in quality for pasturage and storage grasses. Almost every household has goats or cows or both. In the summer the cattle seek the higher pasturage lands and follow the retreating snow which leaves the lower valley free for the harvesting of the hay and rye. The turning of the soil is done by hand, since there are neither plows nor draft animals to drag the plows, in preparation for the next year’s rye crop. A limited amount of garden stuff is grown, chiefly green foods for summer use. While the cows spend the warm summer on the verdant knolls and wooded slopes near the glaciers and fields of perpetual snow, they have a period of high and rich productivity of milk. The milk constitutes an important part of the summer’s harvesting. While the men and boys gather in the hay and rye, the women and children go in large numbers with the cattle to collect the milk and make and store cheese for the following winter’s use. This cheese contains the natural butter fat and minerals of the splendid milk and is a virtual storehouse of life for the coming winter.

I’m feeling okay right now. Just a little anxious. I have no idea what I’m doing in the future. All my delusions must crumble. I was going to somehow magically do this and that, but in reality that cannot happen. Most of my magical-impossible fantasies involve Jesse, because in reality, he’s in the army and he will be stationed somewhere, and I won’t be able to follow him. It’s much more realistic if I imagine doing something by myself, but wherever they put Jesse, I probably won’t be able to go.

Especially if I am now attempting to retire at age 40, quit working, and go on welfare. Korea isn’t going to give me welfare. Germany isn’t going to give me welfare. If I go to a foreign country to live near where he is stationed, yeah, it would be awesome to go to a foreign country if I was healthy and able to work, but I’m trying to change my life around and stop working manual labor jobs. I can’t do a non-manual-labor job in a foreign country until I learn the language. I can do McDonald’s in Korea, probably, if they’re nice enough to hire me. But you know, usually American restaurants are hiring Korean immigrants because of their overall better health and better work ethic. Koreans don’t go hiring Americans in their restaurants because of Americans having something Koreans don’t have. Asians in general are almost always healthier.

This book, Weston Price… my biggest delusion of grandeur, which I don’t have the resources to actually do in reality, is the Anaya religion, and its explicit goal is to create people who are as beautiful as the people in the book, hundreds, millions, billions of people all following the law. We have forgotten the rules for how to live on earth, a Native American shaman said on youtube, not long ago when I was randomly looking at videos of Native Americans singing.

Do you know anyone who sings together? How often do you see a small group of people, children or adults, just grouping together in a play-group, singing, for fun? Not in church, just out in the world? We’re in the living room playing and we suddenly start singing together, for fun.

People no longer have good singing voices, because the face, mouth, head, throat, and sinus deformities are so universal that it’s hard to find anyone with good vocal resonance. Bad singing is caused by the deformities. Good singing is caused by perfectly formed bodies. The most beautiful people to look at will be the most beautiful singers as well. I also have the Anaya law telling them not to cut their hair, so they will also have the most beautiful hair on earth, too.

I want to build a world that follows my law. But every weak and helpless person has fantasies that comfort them, fantasies of empowerment. Every TV show, every movie, is a fantasy of empowerment. Anaya is my fantasy of empowerment. If I ever own land someday, then it might be possible to create a community, but I don’t have that now. And I am no closer to getting it, and I see no path leading to it in the future. But it’s something that I cannot forget. It has been building up my whole life. It can’t just vanish. I’m unable to simply stop caring about the things that I care about.

Oh, by the way, the more I read the Reinin dichotomies, the less I believed in them. It was really only one or two that were catching my attention, because I was trying to figure out if there were particular personality types or groups of types that were better able to tolerate non-ownership of land.

I’m eating some canned soup and some leftovers I brought home from the church. Oh, I forgot I had those oranges! They’re in my backpack! Fruit is something I don’t have enough of. I have only two small oranges – one, a blood orange, and the other a little ‘cutie,’ one of those tiny tangerine things, whatever they are. We’re allowed to take what we want at the church, but everyone is respectful and we don’t grab the entire bowl of oranges.

I hope I can stay off caffeine for a very long time. I hope that I can feel the hopelessness, the sadness, the despair, the depression that I feel in caffeine withdrawal, and then get through it and reshape a realistic future with my new limitations. I hope that my sore hip heals. It usually has in the past if ever it’s been sore. Just quitting caffeine will definitely help, but I also need to eat more meat and less bread. I’ve been doing a bit better since I got the food bank food – at least I’m not just eating dry slices of bread all by themselves anymore. The sun is out again, too. It will thaw outside, and then we will have our brief and fleeting summer.

‘This year will be different.’ If I am unemployed all year long, it definitely will be different for sure. If I quit coffee and stay off it all year, it will be different.

Postponing my cup of coffee today

February 13, 2015

9:12 AM 2/13/2015

I’m postponing my cup of coffee this morning. Last night in the middle of the night, ‘they’ sympathized with me about my sore hip and my concern that it would get worse. So they allowed me to move the can of coffee over to a box instead of on the floor by my bed where it usually is, and this is just a symbolic gesture of hiding it from myself, even though I know exactly where it is.

Last time I quit coffee, I actually dumped out the container of the instant coffee. I’m not dumping it out this time, because I might actually ‘need’ it and don’t have money to go buying stuff and throwing stuff away. I got it from the food bank.

They reminded me that I also suspected blueberries of causing rapid tooth loss and possibly rapid bone loss too. I’m eating blueberry preserves, one of the things from the food bank. I absolutely love wild blueberries, and these are the small kind of blueberries in this jar of preserves, not the big fat tasteless mooshy kind that are domesticated for a high yield. I don’t like foods that are
domesticated and bred to produce a high yield. I don’t want my hopniss plants domesticated and bred to produce a high yield either, and people are trying to do that. I want the wild ones, which are small and have a low yield.

Anyway, the blueberries – I observed my cavities worsening in the past during times when I was eating blueberries. That happened during a time when I was eating a strange combination of foods, which caused me to go into ketosis – I had this ‘nothing-but-chicken soup,’ broccoli, and blueberries, up at my tent, just before I actually started camping up there, when I still had a car and was in the process of moving up there. I was using an icebox at that time, and carrying ice up the hill, which I quickly stopped doing after only doing it a couple times. When I was eating that combination of foods I had crumbling of my teeth. I’ve noticed it when I’ve eaten blueberries at other times too.

Weston Price observed that the cultures that had the least amount of fruit in their diet also had the least amount of cavities, or rather, in some specific places. He was comparing a group of people in one location who had grapes, and another group that didn’t, in two locations that were close to each other, and the one that had grapes also had more cavities. But remember, all of these groups still had fewer cavities than modern people, it was just a difference between ‘hardly any’ and ‘slightly more than hardly any, but still hardly any.’

If I have the strength, and if I am ‘allowed,’ to withdraw from coffee for a long period of time, several days perhaps, to let my hip heal, which it usually does when I quit coffee, then a few things will happen.

I will become less verbose in my blog. I will become less angry, because the coffee gives me a sick stomach, making me feel angry, especially when the stomach is empty and I have no good foods. I will have a terrible headache which lasts for many days. I will be ‘tempted’ over and over and over again. Sometimes ‘they’ do the tempting; other times, they allow me to ignore the coffee when I’m in the grocery store. They might possibly have even helped me to avoid it last time when I was in withdrawal. I remember they allowed me to go into withdrawal for many days, but not forever. I remember that I was sleeping all day long, and doing almost nothing but sleeping.

I will also become depressed, but this is temporary. If you go without coffee for a long time, your natural cheerfulness with return. But during the withdrawal I get depressed, and what I start to feel is hopelessness. I become aware that I just can’t do ANYTHING that I want to do, and so the list of things that I believe I can do shrinks smaller and smaller and smaller, and all my plans become less ambitious. Without coffee, I know there is hardly anything I will be able to do. I believe that is how the world should be, all of the time, for everyone. It would cause people to do much less damage to the world and themselves.

However, another part of me does want to see us going to other planets, but perhaps there are people whose brains work in such a way that they can invent technology even without coffee. We need to go to other planets because it’s an adventure, because we can, because the universe is so huge and we want to explore it, and for the sake of the super-long-term survival of the human species.

But for a while, my list of things that I can do will shrink very, very, very small, and I will become totally hopeless.

However, and this is going to sound like BS, but it’s not. Just hear me out. I don’t know how to explain this in a way that will make it sound legit.

Hopelessness is a real emotion that you need to experience and process just like all other emotions. If you constantly use caffeine, you numb yourself to the experience of hopelessness. Hopelessness provides you with important information that you need to know, and if you ignore it, you are ignoring important information about what you should be doing in life, and what you should not be doing. When you quit caffeine, all the hopelessness that you should have been experiencing will come back and flood you.

Hopelessness tells you when it’s time to quit. That means, it’s time to change your behavior and do something different from what you are doing. It doesn’t mean you’re going to die. It means it’s time to stop trying this, and try something else instead. If you are lacking that information, you will be stuck in a rut for years, decades, trapped, unable to stop what you’re doing, unable to try something else instead, if you never become aware that this is hopeless. It’s very important information. If you cannot experience hopelessness, then you cannot experience life. There is a proper time to give up. If you always drink coffee, you will never give up when you should.

And then, I expect, if I continue without coffee for a longer and longer time, my brain might start to recover. And as my brain starts to recover, my soul will start to come back to life as well. If I go without coffee for a longer and longer time, I might start to feel the way I felt when I was younger, decades ago, during the time when I strictly refused to use all caffeine, any at all, when it was my rule, before the voices in my head forced me to break the rule. I remember arguing with the voices in my head for a long time during a big dialogue, the day when I decided to start drinking caffeine and to break my sacred rule against it. Back then I thought the voices came from within me, but they do not.

I would like to quit coffee permanently. I did not quit it
permanently last time. I forget how long I went without it. It was many days, but it was less than one month. I just want to see what happens to my brain and body when I am totally off caffeine for a long period of time. I just want to know. I want to know exactly how I feel without it. I want to know exactly what I am numbing myself to by drinking coffee. I want to know all the information I am losing, all the emotions I am losing.

I have been drinking coffee since about 1998, with a few periods of quitting it, but never for very long, never long enough, never completely. Drinking decaf doesn’t count! It contains a small amount of caffeine, prevents total withdrawal, and also triggers very strong cravings for MORE COFFEE, for me personally. When I was drinking decaf and working at McDonald’s, I actually drank several more cups of decaf. I’d gulp them down one after another after another. There were times when I was working at McD when I would also drink cups of espresso. I’d put three or four shots of espresso in. I’d sometimes mix it with regular coffee or iced coffee. I drank so much more coffee when I was working, ridiculously huge amounts of coffee. There is so much pressure to move fast, make fast decisions, run, have constant energy for hours and hours and hours.

This is wrong. The world should not be that way. If you require people to do a task that they cannot do without using drugs, then you should not be requiring them to do that task. If drugs are required to do it, then it doesn’t need to be done, and you should stop doing it. And everybody everywhere uses drugs nowadays, all kinds of drugs, illegal drugs, prescription drugs, everything. Drugs make people better slaves.

The next thing I’ll have to quit is the internet. Ha, ha. It’s my only means of communication at the moment, unless people want me to write them paper letters, like Jesse in the army. I’d have to do that. And I seriously do want to quit the internet again in the future. But I need to clean everything up first. I would notify everyone that I was quitting the internet for a while and would tell them where I could be reached. I also have some things which I can only do over the internet, which I would need to do. It would be a big cleaning project.

I’ll start by quitting caffeine first, then work on quitting the internet later. That means I will read books again, and maybe even learn things, study things, and socialize with real people. Maybe.

And I am grateful for the internet, because I learned things here that I could never have learned from anybody in the real world, because many subjects are taboo. But I have also spent too much time on the internet, too much time writing low-quality garbage blogs.

I need to eat something, and it won’t be coffee. Coffee is
temporarily postponed today, and then I’ll go from there.

Chronic fatigue is now ‘SEID’ – Systemic Exertion Intolerance Disease; watching tons of movies; worrying about my money

February 12, 2015

2:42 PM 2/12/2015

The sun came out, and I am a bit more cheerful because of it. Jesse gave his mom his address, and I’m going to get it from her, so I know he’s still alive and he didn’t try to quit the army and end up in jail. I’m going to try to go eat dinner with Jesse’s family in the next couple days, but she said today wasn’t a good day for various reasons, so I will try to go over next week.

I started reading about chronic fatigue online, which I haven’t done in years. Instead I spent all these years researching other things I could do to treat the fatigue myself – special diets, avoiding chemicals, etc. So I was no longer just google searching for chronic fatigue anymore.

But I did just yesterday, and found out that it’s in the news again. It’s been officially renamed: SEID, Systemic Exertion Intolerance Disease. This emphasizes the fact that it gets worse after exercise. Many people assume you’re just ‘out of shape,’ and all you have to do is gradually increase your exercise to get better. But exercise makes it worse. You just never ‘get in shape.’ When I was walking up the mountain every day, pushing my bike, I still had the symptoms of chronic fatigue, and I was never really able to ‘get in shape.’ I did get in shape a little bit, but not really, not enough to really ever feel good. I just got minimally in shape, enough to be able to do that every day, but not enough to feel good. If I exerted myself more than usual, I would still be incapacitated for days. And during that time I was using tons of caffeine, too. You shouldn’t have to kill your body with tons of caffeine to do things that other people can easily do and take for granted without caffeine.

I still need to do a decon and buy new clothes. If I got new clothes, I know I would feel better. Also, I need to not live with somebody who uses antidepressants and therefore leaves her drug residues in the bottom of her bathtub after they’re washed off her skin. But even so, even though I must always try to troubleshoot my chemical
sensitivities, food sensitivities, environmental illness, and so on, I shouldn’t have to go to such extremes, shouldn’t have to try so hard to make myself feel the way other people feel without effort. The fact that I must try so hard, must always be vigilant, must always be troubleshooting various problems and triggers, means that something is wrong with me more than the general public. If even the slightest thing goes wrong in my world, I am incapacitated, and it shouldn’t be that way.

I’m interested in this relabeling of chronic fatigue now, because now I want to get disability money. I don’t want to destroy what’s left of my bones by drinking a gallon of coffee every day. In twenty years, I will be in a wheelchair because I won’t have any hip joints left. My injured hip (from the skiing accident, decades ago, which still hurts sometimes) hurts more than usual today, for several reasons, and so I am very aware of it. It’s gotten worse from the bike riding, and also, I put more stress on my left hip than my right one, because if I get off the bike and push it, like I used to push it up Mt. Nittany Road every day, I walk on the left side of the bike, holding the bike on my right side. Also, I get on and off the bike on the bike’s left side, and I have to step over the seat, with my short little right leg, to get on, and doing that puts stress on my left hip.

I’m drinking lots of black coffee because I have no sugar and no milk, and I must stop coffee in order for my hip to recover. Last of all, I was cramping the other day when I started my period – this is, I believe, the third month that I have had the ‘luxury’ of cramping without taking any ibuprofen, because I am unemployed – and so I was in a squatting, crouching position, which put stress on my hip. And maybe, there is some kind of weather front nearby or something. The weather fronts have been doing all kinds of stuff, and sometimes the weather affects me. I also ate tons and tons of nightshade vegetables – tomatoes, from a can – because I made noodles with canned tomatoes on them, since I have food bank food. Nightshade vegetables contain a form of a vitamin D-like substance, which causes calcium to deposit into your soft tissues, like your joints.

It would reassure me to have an actual x-ray of my hips so that I could really see just how much damage I have done to them. If you look on the internet, you can see images of severely damaged hips which they are going to replace. I’m nowhere near that bad, I know, but I would be curious to know if there is even a little bit of damage in progress. Avoiding further damage to my hips is a strong motivator to change my lifestyle now. If I am reassured, I might say, ‘Okay, it’s fine to keep on guzzling coffee, eating a bad diet, riding my bike all the time, taking long walks, and running around all over the place at my manual labor jobs for the next twenty years! No problem!’

GAAAAAHHHH!!!! I cannot look at that! I googled images of worn out hips and the hip replacements. There is this long, steel point which they poke down into your leg bone, and you are putting all your weight on that steel spike, pressing it deeper into your bone, and, I imagine, cracking the bone outwards around it – ggaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!

Since I have no money (except a little bit from my federal tax refund now, which I am saving for rent and emergencies), I’m not able to try the special diets that I was about to try. I can’t choose my own food. I was going to quit nightshades completely, but that means I would have to find interesting substitutes. They say, there is no substitute for tomatoes – they are just so unique in every way. No other fruit or vegetable can do the same thing. So you just have to live without tomatoes. That’s not the end of the world. I imagine it won’t be as awful as living without sugar. I’m drinking black coffee, no sugar, no milk, and eating cornflakes in a big cup of water, no sugar, no milk (although the cornflakes contain some sugar, just not enough for my liking). I guess I am drinking my cornflakes black. That was an amusing thought.

I have to get sugar from fruit, and don’t have a lot of fruit. I have no objection to eating as much fruit as you want, and getting all your sugar from there, because at this particular time, I’m not attempting a ketogenic diet or a low carbohydrate diet, although I’m considering trying one in the future. I could live without sugar if only I had unlimited fruit, but I don’t have that either.

Someone somewhere on the internet (that sounds credible!) said they thought Joseph Gordon-Levitt or whatever his name is is an ENFP. I didn’t know that. When I watched ‘Inception’ years ago and loved it, I thought he was awesome in that movie – he was my favorite guy – and yet I typed him LSI and thought he was just an awesome LSI who happened to be cute. I had this misconception that ENFPs are nonviolent people, but actually, they’re more violent than I am. So all these violent, gun-shooting gangster movies, all the ENFPs love those movies. Well, okay, maybe not all of them, but some of them. It was a mistaken stereotype I always had. I didn’t think an ENFP could do anything evil, or even play the role of somebody doing something evil in a movie, and so it never even crossed my mind that there was even a remote possibility that Joseph G-L whatever could be an ENFP. I always forget his name, Justin, Joseph, something.

Okay, wow, my stomach is too sick to handle the images of hip surgery. I’m normally pretty strong, but this just makes me want to vomit. I’m closing that web page so I can’t see it.

Anyway, it’s time NOW to start my ‘nonsurgical interventions’ to stop, slow down, or heal the damage in my joints.

Anyways I watched ‘Looper’ last night, and it was a good movie, but if anybody cares, spoiler warning, it had a bad ending, which I ought to have predicted, easily, but I was too stupid to even predict that, and in hindsight I said derp de derr, I should have known he would do that. I just wanted to watch the movie to verify that he might be an ENFP, now that I know that they’re violent gun-shooters instead of peacemakers. Perhaps men are nonviolent only if they are playing roles in movies written by women, such as Harry Potter and Twilight. Maybe men are violent if they are in movies written by men. We’ve gotta do all this masculine stuff, not all this
relationship-communicatey softie girly touchy-feely stuff. And yet Looper had some relationshippy touchy-feely stuff too – the idea was, to be kind to a child, to protect him, understand him, raise him well, give him a good life, give him love and a family, and he would turn out differently in the end. And the violent gun-shooting in that movie was treated as something undesirable, something people are doing because they feel like they have to, or they feel they need power and revenge because they have been helpless against violence done to them.

I watched Twilight too. I simultaneously think that Twilight sucks, yet I’m fascinated with it and have to watch it anyway. The first movie was good, the second one sucked, the third one sucked (and yet, I was hooked by then and had to keep watching them, one after another!), and suddenly, I liked the fourth one. And the fifth one kind of was okay and kind of sucked – it had good parts.

I think the fourth one was my favorite – Breaking Dawn, part 1 – because it involved her getting pregnant. (I’m still bound and determined to get pregnant before it’s too late, even as time continues hemorrhaging at super speed, while I flounder in my messed-up life.) I also like it because the solution involved drinking blood, which is analogous to real life – you must eat some form of animal food during your pregnancy for optimal fetal
development and maternal health. I love the idea of racial mixing, so I liked mixing human and vampire, and then later, in the fifth one, mixing even more, with the human-vampire baby bonding with the werewolf. The moment of bonding (imprinting) was beautiful to me.

I watched one of my old favorite horror movies, ‘House.’ This movie does something which I’m not seeing in recent movies: he’s processing the Vietnam war trauma. How come we don’t see horror-fantasy movies which are processing trauma from the Iraq wars? Or do we, and I just haven’t noticed them? House, with William Katt (the Greatest American Hero!), has themes of children being taken from their parents, memories of Vietnam and people he knew in Vietnam being involved in the things happening to him now, the child being kidnapped
representing the adults being taken and lost in Vietnam, who are still children to their parents who lose them, the horrifying scenes of losing someone in the water, you saw someone floundering and drowning and suddenly couldn’t find them anywhere, a woman you trusted suddenly transforming into a disgusting terrifying monster, and you killed her, only to see that she was the real woman you loved after she was dead, and you had to regret killing her, but it couldn’t be undone (spoiler, she’s okay in the end of the movie! I don’t care about spoilers, I assume nobody’s gonna care that much what I say about the movies). The whole style of that movie was different from what they are making now. So is ‘Star Wars.’ Something changed in the world between now and the 1980s. I can see it in the movies I loved back then. Do we have horror-fantasy movies where people are processing trauma from the Iraq and Afghanistan wars?

Perhaps it was different with Vietnam because everybody was drafted, so we had people going to war who otherwise wouldn’t have chosen to, people who were better able to express their feelings in the form of movies and books. Nowadays, the people going to war are people who want to go, and people who are uneducated or lower intelligence and therefore unable to express their feelings by writing books and movies about the war, or starting up protests and motivating people emotionally to protest the war. Other people have said that there is no war protesting going on because this war hasn’t drafted anybody. The draft is the only thing that causes people to actively protest the war. We aren’t writing songs about the Iraq and Afghanistan war, songs that become huge hits that are popular for decades afterwards. But if all the intelligent, talented, songwriting, movie-writing, educated people were all being drafted into the war, then the popular culture of movies and music and protests in the streets would all show the psychological processing of the Iraq and Afghan wars.

I’m sorry, that’s horribly insulting to my dear love Jesse, and I am sorry for saying it. Jesse had a lot of problems that weren’t his fault, and that is why he wanted to go to the army, because he could not just live a normal life and get a normal job. He is doing it because he feels like he has to, and because he hasn’t seen anything else that seemed admirable or meaningful out in the civilian world, anything heroic, anything worth doing, anything that mattered.

All my favorite books and movies are war movies, too, if you count The Lord of the Rings, and also, Watership Down, which I hope will someday be remade again so that a new generation can appreciate it – it’s one of the best books ever written, I think. There was a cartoon made of Watership Down, which I should watch again (it was too scary when I was a kid!), but it should be remade, because the book is much longer, and the movie could have been many hours longer, or made into two or three movies. And it could actually be made into a live action movie with humans! There’s nothing about this book that inherently requires it to be played by rabbits. I don’t even care if it’s played by people wearing rabbit costumes, with an open face mask so that we could see their expressions. No problem. The book is that good.

So yeah, I should admit it, many of my favorite adventure movies and fantasy movies involve war, and it’s portrayed as ‘doing something that matters, doing something important and heroic, saving the world.’

I just can’t see our wars that way, knowing what I know now about the people behind the scenes pulling the strings to create wars that are fake, such as the US Government itself funding the terrorists to create a fake war, when otherwise there would not be one. I can’t see our war as a heroic thing when I know that. I can’t see us as ‘fighting the bad guys’ when I know that the ‘bad guys’ are being paid and trained by our own government, for our own purposes. These villains did not suddenly decide to be villains out of thin air for no reasons.

I’ve been watching tons and tons and tons of movies. But I am getting nothing done. I am making no progress, I am merely waiting for winter to end so that I can start doing things outside, start doing things that require my body to feel better. I am stagnant and trapped and frustrated. I cannot hunt for a job. I cannot convince myself that hunting for a job is worthwhile. I cannot decide to go to the temp agency, and try to get a desk job that doesn’t involve manual labor. It’s hard to do that because I don’t have a car, so my jobs have to be close by, or I have to take the bus, which is a pain. It can be done, but it’s difficult. The bus wastes a lot of time, hours of waiting around for a particular bus, or transferring from one bus to another, so that you have to leave home hours earlier than you would have.

But I could. I could do a desk job again, from the temp agencies. I know exactly where I would go and what I would do, because I’ve done it before. At Manpower, I took these tests which demonstrated my skills at various computer programs, like Microsoft Office, Excel, and so on, and they had a bookkeeping test, too. I could practice more of my bookkeeping skills, since I didn’t finish learning everything, just the basics of bookkeeping. There was more that I was going to study but never got around to. If I passed their bookkeeping test, I could get jobs that involved bookkeeping. Even just a data entry job would be something, as long as I could sit at a desk.

There is a downside: I would Worship the Sacred Schedule, and have no control over my schedule at all, because that is true for every temp job at every office. It will be 8am to 5pm, or 9am to 5pm, or something like that, with a one hour lunch break at the same time every day, and it will be Monday through Friday, and I will have absolutely no control over that, and no option to, perhaps, work only two or three days a week instead of five days. Five days, and nothing but five days, and no more and no less than five days, will be required. It is absolutely inflexible with those types of jobs. That is a BIG downside, not merely a trivial complaint. It matters greatly.

In my free time, I would be less physically exhausted, which is a good thing; however, worshipping the sacred schedule means that I still wouldn’t have a lot of free time.

So I cannot quite convince myself that it’s worth it to go try and get a desk job at the temp agencies. I just can’t quite do it.

But there is going to come a time in the next month when I don’t have enough money to pay the rent. I have enough to pay next month’s. If I don’t get money from Mom, but also haven’t gotten money from the government, then I will have a conflict with Mary Jo. I’m not prepared to go camping right now. I need a lot of expensive supplies. I threw away stuff for the decon. I have a contaminated tent, and I have one sleeping bag (also contaminated) which I am using as a bed blanket. Ideally both need to be replaced. One sleeping bag isn’t enough. You need more than one, and ideally I’d want to buy new stuff for everything rather than using the contaminated stuff I have right now. I also do not have a method of housing my cats in the tent, although I know it could be done. They just need a cat door, but I can’t have a cat door where I sleep because spiders will come in. It has to be zipped up. Apparently cats are not afraid of spiders, usually.

The downside of camping: 1. no fridge, so I’d have to learn something which I want to learn anyway, which is, drying food to preserve it. I would need food-drying infrastructure, and a safe place to store food where it will not be eaten by bears, skunks, raccoons, and other animals. All of that requires infrastructure, and infrastructure either requires time to build it, or money to buy it, either way. 2. While camping, I get forced urges to go sleep in a hotel very frequently, which wastes all of my money so much that it’s the equivalent of renting an apartment anyway. Also, when it
thunderstorms, I don’t want to sleep outside. I don’t have a burrow dug in the ground. If I had a hole in the ground, I might stay outside in thunderstorms.

Anyway I am not ready to camp right now, so I cannot be thrown out of my apartment for not paying rent. I am nowhere near ready to camp. I can’t just go camp at a moment’s notice right now. So it will be a major conflict in the next month when I have no rent money, while simultaneously trying not to get any more money from Mom and Dad. And Mom said she actually COULDN’T give me money because she’d used up all the money in her account. Probably by giving money to me!

So I *MUST* get enough money to pay the rent next month. I can pay March’s rent with my tax refund, but after that, there is nothing. I must deal with this conflict, but instead I am avoiding it. I’m postponing it, thinking something will magically happen between now and then.

My anxiety is building up, although it was eased whenever I got my tax refund. But it will build up again very soon. It builds up more and more the less money I have. I don’t want to get money from Mom! I don’t want to! Yet I am powerless to take action or make decisions about this issue, because if I try to think deeply, my brain gets attacked! I must think deeply to see what’s happening and understand the reality of the situation, and I can’t! I can’t take action if I can’t understand what is happening in reality and what is inevitably going to happen if I do nothing. I can say it, in words, here, but that is nothing like UNDERSTANDING it, without words, in such a way as to motivate me to action!

I’m going to a church dinner tonight. I might as well post this now. I’ll probably write more later, maybe, or maybe I’ll watch more movies. I’m sick of doing nothing and wasting all my time and making no progress. I’m sick of being totally helpless and avoiding reality. I’m sick of being attacked by electronic weapons every time I try to focus my mind and think about anything important.

I will go eat.

Continuing to be grouchy and angry; why don’t doctors tell people the Brewer Diet stops pre-eclampsia?

February 9, 2015

5:33 PM 2/9/2015

I might have been a little bit sick the other day. That’s probably why I was grouchy. But I’m also grouchy because of this terrible food.

I have a mixture of foods which are absolutely horrible, and things which actually would be almost awesome. Like the canned beef, which would have been awesome if I knew it was grassfed, which I’m sure it’s not. It’s still as awesome as can be expected under the

And then there was this thing that looked like three wedges of cheese side by side. It was actually like 1/4 of a circle of cheese, but for some reason there were three images printed on the front of the package, side by side, as though it was meant to be cut into smaller pieces. I’ve thawed it out and tried it, but it’s so challenging that even I am finding that I cannot eat it.

It’s some kind of exotic French imported cheese called ‘Fromage,’ which I have never eaten before. It looks a lot like brie cheese, although I’m sure the rind isn’t edible and I have no desire to try, because the smell is so horrifically foul. They always used to put Limberger cheese on cartoons as the stereotypical bad-smelling cheese. This seems to be something in that category.

I imagine that maybe this cheese was about to expire, or something, and somebody decided that they could freeze it and donate it to the food bank as a gift. I wonder about the story behind it.

Since I’ve never eaten it before, I wasn’t sure what it was supposed to taste like, and the smell was so foul that I wondered if it was supposed to smell that way normally, or if it had already spoiled. When trying a weird cheese for the first time, it would be better to try one that you were absolutely certain was fresh. I can’t know the history of this cheese.

However, I have a feeling it’s supposed to be this way. I tasted a little bit of the soft part in the middle of the cheese. It tasted like chemicals, but then, moldy milk sometimes does taste like chemicals, and that’s normal. You’re just familiar with it, or not.

So I only tried a very small bite, and then waited around a while to see if I got sick or had any weird symptoms. I didn’t get sick, however it gave me lots and lots of mucus in my throat, which is disgusting. I tried a tiny bite of it the next day, and it did the same thing, tons and tons of mucus, but no other symptoms and no stomach sickness or anything. I have a feeling this is normal for this type of cheese.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to eat it because of the disgusting mucus production effect. I have courage about trying new foods, but there are some foods that I categorize as ‘unnecessary,’ and exotic cheeses are one of them. There is no necessity for me to eat this particular cheese, and nothing else. I’m not even really a believer in eating dairy products anyway, ideally, if I had control over my diet – I’d be eating more of a paleo diet.

So, sadly, I might have to abandon the weird Fromage cheese. If I do, it will be quietly placed in the backyard in the wooded area where Mary Jo can’t see it – if she knew I was dumping food in the backyard, she’d have a stroke about bears coming and eating it or something. She was really paranoid for weeks and weeks in the fall and wouldn’t let her cat outside because bear poop had been seen in a field nearby.

I already put a couple partly eaten loaves of bread out back in the woods. One of them started to get moldy while I was still eating it, and I tasted the mold and spit it out. It had these white spots on top, which I thought were just a dusting of flour, but then the white spots started becoming more numerous, spreading over a larger area, and smelling and tasting like mold. Oops! I’ve been keeping them at room temperature in my room, but normally, if I had a loaf of bread that I had chosen on my own and wanted to keep it, I’d put it in the freezer or the fridge at least. My parents used to freeze loaves of bread all the time.

This morning, I was temporarily cheered up when I went to a forum about people trying to conceive babies. It reminded me of what I want to do. It made me focus. I was able to get on my bike and go out to the county assistance office to ask a question about the paperwork. I don’t want to use my phone because I don’t have a lot of minutes left.

However, I kept reading on that forum later in the day, and it lost its cheering up effect. I’m not eating the way I want to eat, so I’m tending to become grouchy and sick. I’ve been hyperactive in some ways, slightly meaner to the cats, and it’s because of the food. I’m having symptoms that I NEVER get, like heartburn and reflux, and lots of sneezing – I hardly ever sneeze or have allergies, but now all of a sudden I do – they are caused by various things in food, in particular the added synthetic vitamins and minerals in the cereal I’m eating. Synthetic vitamins cause allergies.

I was reading that forum and started to become annoyed at all the ignorance and stupidity and evil, which just goes on and on and on and on. How can there be so many millions of women suffering from pre-eclampsia during pregnancy, when the Brewer Diet has been known for many decades to prevent it? Doctors are too stupid and evil to tell anyone how to prevent pre-eclampsia by using nutrition. Pre-eclampsia is when your blood pressure rises really high during pregnancy, and you have a bunch of other problems as well – I don’t recall the details – but all you have to do is eat enough nutritious foods, and make sure you get enough salt – don’t limit your salt intake. Salt is needed in your blood as an electrolyte. You have to make more blood during pregnancy, and if you don’t get enough salt, your body does whatever it can in its struggle to make sure it can get salt to all the places where it’s needed, so it raises your blood pressure. Doctors will tell people to limit their salt intake because allegedly salt causes high blood pressure, when actually during pregnancy it’s the LACK OF SALT that causes high blood pressure, and if you eat salt, your blood pressure and everything else will normalize. He also has other diet recommendations besides that – it’s in the overall same spirit as the Weston Price diet – eat meat, eat fat, eat salt, eat lots of food and never restrict your food intake.

I started becoming angry, reading the ‘pregnancy complications’ section of the forum. I wanted to get an idea of what types of things could go wrong, but I saw so many people talking about pre-eclampsia it just made me angrier and angrier. And I know for sure that their doctors didn’t all tell them to try the Brewer Diet first, and then the Brewer Diet failed, so they’re trying all this other stuff instead. I know for a fact that not one of them even tried the diet at all. They’re just doing all this crazy stuff like taking this or that drug, having the baby taken out early, and so on and so forth, because of pre-eclampsia. I did a search, and there were very few people who knew about the Brewer Diet, and one of them was somebody who also knew about Weston Price. Hardly anyone there knows anything about nutrition. How can it be that we’ve known the solution for pre-eclampsia for so long, yet nobody is using it? Because doctors and the entire medical industry are all stupid, insane, and evil.

I really was curious, did anyone try the Brewer Diet and have it fail? And yet I can’t even ask them the question. I know none of them have even tried it, and none of them would be willing to try it. None of them want to be given advice by a woman who hasn’t ever gotten pregnant herself. And yet I KNOW it will work. I want to know if any of them tried it and it failed to prevent the pre-eclampsia, and if so, why?

There are so many people there taking all sorts of drugs while pregnant, too. I’m seeing a lot of stuff where people claim they have an autoimmune disorder which is preventing them from getting pregnant, and all they have to do is take this drug, which fixes it, and they finally get pregnant. Is this real, or is it bullshit?

Many of them are blindly doing whatever doctors tell them to do, like getting Cesareans at 37 weeks pregnant. Woohoo! The child will be sick for a lifetime! More profits for doctors! Premature children’s lungs haven’t finished developing, so they have lots of lung problems.

I just got angry. I get angry seeing the same stupidity over and over again, never ending. Nobody tries a special diet. Nobody. Doctors don’t tell them it exists. If they know it exists, they don’t bother mentioning it. If they do bother to mention it, it would only be just a brief little mention, while they pushed a bunch of drugs on the person instead, instead of pushing forcefully for the person to try this diet first. You have to REALLY INSIST that they must try this diet first of all, as a FIRST RESORT.

But no, to doctors, a bunch of drugs and procedures and early Cesareans are all the first resort. They won’t even mention ‘a special diet that you could try, if all else fails – of course, surely it won’t work, because it hasn’t been double-blind placebo-controlled drug-company-funded peer-reviewed scientifically proven, and it will probably harm you because it recommends that you eat fat and salt!’

So, at first, reading that forum cheered me up today. It reminded me of what I want to do. But later on, reading too much stupidity, stupidity and evil that never ends, I got angry. And I know I can’t tell them anything because I haven’t had a baby myself. I would be in a particular forum there which is called ‘Waiting To Try,’ for people who want to try to conceive in the future, but are choosing to wait for one reason or another.

I just can’t stop being constantly angry. It really is this food. It makes me sick and fails to give me what I need. I don’t have enough money to do all the things that I need to do.

I’m still in the process of applying for food stamps. There is an obstacle. Mary Jo is renting to me informally, and she doesn’t want people coming to her and trying to tax her on the income she’s receiving from me. She isn’t PROFITING from me. If I were paying all of the expense of this house, and then even more, that would be profit. All that I am doing is paying a small fraction of the expense, less than she herself pays, which she earns by working, a lot. She might not be willing to sign the paperwork that I have to get her to sign, showing that I live here and I pay $400 a month. I would have to either find an alternative way to get food stamps, not get food stamps at all, or move to another location where somebody would be willing to sign the form.

Oh well, I’m going to find something else to do now. I just wanted to write about the Brewer Diet and how it angers me so much to see all the stupidity and evil in the world, which never ends and just goes on and on forever and ever.

If the sun ever comes out again, maybe I will cheer up. We are trapped underneath a stationary front, apparently. It’s just clouds and clouds and clouds.

The sun has to come out, and I have to get clean laundry, and I have to get better food. And I have to remove my dental fillings, which is why I was here. I haven’t talked about that lately, but I haven’t forgotten. I was committed to doing it. There are reasons why I postponed it. It has to be done. I’m not going to just give up on it.

I don’t know what else is in my future, because my future is now entwined with Jesse’s, and I have no idea what is going on with him. He hasn’t written to give me his address yet. He wrote one letter, but it didn’t have his unique address on it, just the address of the base. He would have been assigned a room by now. I can’t really cheer myself up thinking of the future, because at this point, I have no control over the future, and have absolutely no idea what it will be.

I can only wait for the thaw. I will have free time, if I can remain unemployed. Then I will be able to go looking for edible plants. That is the one thing I’m looking forward to. It will thaw, that is for sure.

Why is everyone evil today?

February 8, 2015

10:27 AM 2/8/2015

I’ve been lonely and restless and wanting to use my brain and talk to people, probably because of the drug residue reaction on my feet. My floor is still contaminated and I have been getting wet socks a lot lately for various reasons, sometimes because of the snow and sometimes from other things, and all my socks need to be washed but I haven’t done the laundry yet.

I tried looking in one of the forums that I sometimes go to. But I almost always feel that I don’t fit in in any forum I go to, and I cannot be open and honest. And I went to the typology forum and just felt like everybody there was evil. Every topic that caught my attention was something evil. Nothing seemed interesting in a positive way.

I think that being an obstinate type (Reinin dichotomy, obstinate versus compliant) has really affected my life. The Reinin dichotomies really exist, I’ve decided. They are attributes that someone observed which do not correlate directly to the personality types in a straightforward way, although they do correlate to particular functions in the types being arranged in particular ways – kind of, except that I use Model B, but then, someone said Model B and the plus and minus signs actually came from the Reinin dichotomies in the first place – the plus and minus signs. So I’ve been using something that came from the Reinin dichotomies all this time without really realizing it. I should try to understand more about them. I observe them in reality, and they affect the way Model A works, so that the types that are supposed to be attracted to each other, aren’t. Like, I’m never attracted to SEEs in real life, but I get along very well with ILIs and have sort of an attraction to them.

I hate bread so much. I want my organic corn tortilla chips again, although I might avoid the salsa so that I can try a nightshade-free diet. I’m still eating lots of bread because it’s up here in my room. I always had dried foods like fruits and nuts and tortilla chips up here, and slim jims when I had them, because I never got around to ordering the grassfed pemmican sticks I wanted. I just HATE BREAD. It totally disgusts me. I have never really liked it much, my whole life. For instance, if I would get a dinner, like with turkey, mashed potatoes, and green beans, someone would always include a little roll on the side, which you are supposed to put butter on, and I was always like, ‘Why?’ Why would you want to add an additional piece of bread to an already complete meal? The bread is just disgusting and unnecessary, but you are obligated to choke it down because it was given to you as part of the meal, since you don’t want to waste the food you were given. You’ve already got plenty of carbohydrates in the mashed potatoes – what is the bread FOR?

I’m very grumpy. I haven’t even had coffee yet. And I wanted to go to a forum somewhere and talk, but everyone seemed evil. I did watch an interesting bunch of videos on youtube about rewilding, and one of the guys doing the videos seemed like a good person.

Anyway I was saying about being an obstinate type: it’s hard to talk about YOUR INTERESTS. And I think that influences how I feel in a forum. I can’t go talk about my interests, and share them, and then get feedback and adjust them. If I say that I’m interested in making arts and crafts, someone will respond with, ‘I have an idea, why don’t you start learning how to make Useless Pieces of Garbage? You can make a lot of money on those!’ and I’ll be like, ‘Well, but I’m not interested in making Useless Pieces of Garbage, and I just can’t force myself to be interested in that.’ And then the person who suggested it has nothing else helpful to say, because I don’t want feedback about what I ought to be interested in.

Supposedly obstinate types can talk about their RESOURCES, but what does that mean? Like a resource-sharing forum for people in the neighborhood who want to borrow each other’s lawnmowers. I have an X. Hey, I need an X! Can I use that? Sure! I’m all out of Y, but I could really use some. Sure, I can share Y, I have extra.

Obstinate types are more giving with their time and resources, supposedly. You can take some of their time and some of their stuff, and they’re not going to have a stroke over it.

I just found this particular dichotomy interesting because it pertained to physical property, which suggests that some types absolutely must have a property line drawn on the ground with a barbed wire fence around it, and other types do not, and so the types that don’t would be able to live together in a group without owning land and without shooting to kill anybody who walked across their front yard. Shooting someone who walks across your yard sounds like the ‘overkill’ response of a compliant type. YOU WALKED ON MY YARD!!!! BANG!!!! I’m just trying to figure out which types are able to tolerate the idea of land without lines and barbed wire on it.

I’m very grouchy and I hate everyone today. I just don’t know what kind of a forum I could enjoy talking in. It really might be because of interests versus resources, being able to talk about what I have and don’t have, versus being able to talk about what I am interested in.

sick today, no energy, not sure what’s making me sick

February 7, 2015

4:32 PM 2/7/2015

Well, I don’t know if I ate something, or what, but something made me dead exhausted today, and I was unable to get outside and take a walk or anything on one of the nicest, warmest days we’ve had in weeks. It’s not sunny, but it’s above freezing out there.

I ate this canned beef from the food bank, and I also had canned beans, and I ate this raisin bread. I had had several cups of coffee this morning, not just one. I ate the food, drank the coffee, and just suddenly felt like I had to sleep, right now. So I did.

I shared the beef juice with the cats, and they loved it, and they all went to sleep on the bed with me too, all afternoon. So I suspected it was the beef, maybe.

It would have been nice, except I just feel *uncomfortably* tired and have brain fog, like something is wrong. I can’t think, and I don’t want to move. I’m wondering if the canned beef had a quality issue, heavy metal contamination, or what.

That’s unfortunate because in some ways I was delighted with the canned beef. It was some unknown brand that I’ve never seen in my store here, so somebody must have gotten it elsewhere. It contained only two simple ingredients: beef and salt. I like things that contain only a couple simple ingredients.

However, I’m assuming it would have been ordinary grain-fed factory farm beef. And things that are in cans can sometimes have metal from the can, or something. I have no idea what would have been wrong with it.

And it wasn’t just beef. It was beef in its own juices. So it has this gelatinous stuff, which is what I shared with the cats, and it even had a bunch of beef tallow on the bottom of the can. It was beef with fat, not just lowfat meat. The meat itself was a little bit chewy and tough, but that was okay. I really wish I could be eating organ meats.

I just read a neat story about someone switching over to a primitive lifestyle, and he talked about eating wild animals that he caught, and using all the organs and everything.

I’m not just mildly sleepy, I’m actually almost in *pain* or something. I wondered if it could be the weather, too – there is a storm system nearby. I wouldn’t be very aware of my pain because I’ve had so much coffee, but it seems to be perceptible underneath the coffee-induced numbness. And I just can’t think clearly about anything. I just have no energy, even though I really wanted to go walking outside today. I totally feel like I do not want to walk. I also wanted to do the laundry, but it hurts to even imagine doing that. I just don’t know if it was the food, or something about the weather, or if maybe I have a virus. I don’t know what’s wrong.

I’ll just watch a movie, but that’s frustrating, I really wanted to do something today.