Archive for April, 2015

a supermassive long hair obsession: what if I did a nonprofit public education campaign?

April 30, 2015

I wrote this yesterday because I went several days without coffee, drinking only a mild tea, still with some caffeine but not much, and then I went out and bought strong coffee and also a bottle of Coke. Incidentally, I think I might possibly have suddenly gotten diabetes, as in, one day I did not have diabetes, and the next day, I did, and the only thing that happened in between those two days was: 1. I got rabies, and 2. I got vaccinated for rabies. Both of those factors are under suspicion. I have reason to believe that viruses themselves, in the ‘real world,’ all alone, can also cause diabetes. So I do not know for sure. I also do not know that I have it, but I just notice weird things happen if I eat too much sugary junk food and not enough real food in a day. That started happening with the rabies, before I was vaccinated, and I’ve been taking it as a symptom of the disease.

I got way off topic. Yesterday, I wrote this – first, on paper for some reason, which I copied into the computer, and then, for a while, just writing more on the computer. I asked, what if I did some kind of funded nonprofit agency that educated the public, urging them to grow long hair? I had also seen something from a crowdfunding website, GoFundMe, which got me thinking about that. In reality, I would have to be smoking a whole lot of crack to do a project like that and actually get it finished. Not even a two-liter of Coke would be enough. I don’t really get more done when I drink Coke,

Oh, and I ended up watching youtube videos of illegal young boys, or maybe barely legal, with long hair, who were homosexual and belly dancing. There was actually a playlist of ‘long haired boys’ or something, and I watched more videos from one particular person, and that was how I found that. As creepy as that was of me, I actually agreed with a lot of things he said about having long hair. He said, he gets way too many compliments, like he can barely walk down the street without somebody complimenting his hair, and that gets really annoying, and it’s also annoying that people cannot tell he’s a guy. I wrote about that in my notes.


(This notepad file was titled: ‘I drank coffee – I can do anything!’)

7:30 PM 4/29/2015

I’ve had a ton of caffeine from multiple sources. I’ve actually got the shakes.

I’m copying notes I just wrote by hand in the notepad.

for-profit nonprofit, requires funding (reason why it’s for-profit is because the owner has control over the organization, unlike a nonprofit). public education. intractable social problem. An ocean of forces compelling us to cut hair and beards and body hair, to straighten afro hair, curly or coily hair. sit on sidewalk – free speech – ask local cops about ordinances, regulations, sit at table, hand out flyers, direct to website mobile friendly. fight a battle that can never be won, but one person at a time, and every person matters. sign up to be registered, monitored, photographed, over a period of years to observe progress, give out silver coins over time. two options – faster growth / slower growth. faster = no chops, no split ends, no removal of existing hair, no leveling or evening out, no waiting for layers to catch up. slower = still trimming ends, doing a big chop, waiting for layers to catch up, etc. member retention: keep them till the end, forever.

disappointing results: hair grew to hips then stopped. nothing magical happened. i didn’t get laid more often. too much conflict with everyone. too much nagging. nobody respected me for it. it got boring after a while. i took drugs / got drunk, choopped it on impulse.

what actions do users perform on the website? sign up, self-report photos for long distances (not encouraged = we do local to see the most results and meet in person).

personality types of people who grow long hair are not necessarily compatible for dating – in fact the opposite tends to be true – one partner long, one short. not necessarily a dating website or a porn website. not a ‘fetish’ website. do we advertise hair care products? ad-free?

high desnity impact on local population – convert the largest percentage of residents.

resistant to gospel – christian men unless you explain nazirites.

find bible evidence for long haired bearded men.

actions users do on website: view photos of the widest range of racial types, both members and non-members, links to

what does your website do that google images can’t do?

on the net, you look at images of people who already exist, without the ability to make more of them. they are always scarce, far away, never someone you could meet, distant imaginary gods/goddesses in fantasy land.

continuing: they are like celebrities, when they ought to be the norm everywhere, so common that you take them for granted and never feel the need to worry about it ever again. they will be so common that it becomes a non-issue, no longer painful, no longer desperate, no longer so full of longing and desire and pain.

this website is different in that it explains a philosophy behind long hair, a rationale, a justification, which is not biblical. it advocates a principled method of hair growth, instead of tolerating variations. the website reassures you that somebody out there is making progress, making it a better world, creating more of something which is too scarce. it reassures us to see that somebody is changing, growing, making more. it reassures us that someone is actively making an effort to convert people. a long term, principled effort to educate people, change people’s minds, change their perceptions of long hair, make it so common that even the conformists won’t be afraid to do it.

make it common.

make it the norm. make it so common you can’t turn around without tripping over someone else’s long hair. increase the percentage, the density of people in a population.

you see an ad or you see a sidewalk flyer distributor. you
immediately look at the mobile friendly website on your smartphone, on impulse. the website pulls you in and attracts people who are willing to commit over the long term. it quickly inspires them with a powerful message of something different, something special and exciting – action. you take action now to start something. try something new. a long term goal. when you commit, people will respond quickly to bring you in and talk to you directly. local people you can meet in the real world. it’s local. it’s not encouraged to be done long distance over the internet. it’s supposed to be done on the small scale, town by town, having a great impact locally, increasing the density of long haired people in any given town, converting as many of the convertible as possible in that region.

website: gives warnings, real reasons not to have long hair. long hair catches in machinery, causing death. girl dies in hot tub when long hair catches in spinning fan underwater (true story, I never forgot it). long hair causes headaches for some people when it’s heavy. takes longer to maintain. induces harassment on the sidewalk from desperate people and fetishists who objectify long haired women without giving them any long hair in return (short haired men who believe they are entitled to take long haired women). we must make it so common that the fetishists no longer feel desperate to see something that normally they’d only encounter once a decade. it will be everywhere they look, every day, causing them to become more numb to it and less responsive, which is our goal. we want it to be ‘the new normal.’ (there is some alleged military operation in africa, operation new normal, which is also a website about post traumatic stress.)

lawsuits: someone grows long hair and dies in an accident. car door catches hair and they get dragged, elevator doors, fan, conveyor belt at grocery store. we teach them to be responsible and safe, when to keep hair braided, tucked in, tied back, etc.

also emphasizes black people. aggressively multiracial from day one. not just as an afterthought.

we will catch: people in the gray area, who are susceptible and ready to commit to the long hair rules, but hadn’t quite decided yet or hadn’t quite had the idea yet. they will be given the rules, and those who are ready will see their value. just as i did. such as: stop cutting split ends completely. ignore split ends – they are not as horrible as you were taught to believe, and long hair that hasn’t been permed, colored, or straightened doesn’t tend to have bad split ends. we teach you to comb your hair with a wide tooth comb instead of brushing. brushing causes split ends.


what is the money (funding) used for?

people sit on the sidewalk, chair, table, booth, give out flyers, have a sign on each side of table surrounding them so people see what it is, has the website written on it so people can go on smartphones immediately without stopping at booth, big enough letters to read easily so they don’t have to come close and squint, so they can be secretive if they are embarrassed – just glance quickly, image caught my attention, what’s the website, i’ll secretly look it up on my phone but i’m too scared to stop at the booth.

people are ashamed. long hair is a fetish. long hair is described as creepy. long hair is something that requires an extreme makeover. show the perceptions of long hair. show the videos where a woman gets long hair cut because it makes her look too old, while another video says an older woman looks too young and childish because of long hair (this is true, i saw it!)

long hair is not always caucasian. strongly emphasize very long afro hair on the signs, so it jumps out at you right away. it is extremely important that we attract africans too. perhaps the booths can be customized for a region, such as a particular town with a lot of black people, or a particular neighborhood in new york, etc, with
predominantly black people, so the signs and pictures show lots of black people.

different neighborhoods have booths with different pictures, customized for demographics, seeking multiracials. asians, etc.

free speech: make sure you know you are allowed to sit in a booth on a sidewalk distributing flyers. it should be legal, but people will do anything to take away free speech anytime they can. be prepared with legal defenses, permits needed, etc.

what do users do on the website?

(brainstorming, not set in stone!)

sign up for reminders
commit to growing hair
schedule appointment to meet the … whatever they are, the people at the agency who will guide them and encourage them, their ‘case managers.’
measure and document and photograph, monthly
read info, get brainwashed
change perceptions
be slightly influenced, or offended and angered, but unable to forget/unsee it *always* causes an intense response, whether it be positive or negative – always
upload your own photos
make your own member profile (this is not a dating site – what is the purpose?) get in the ‘yearbook’
browse other photos
be reassured that many people have committed, making you feel that progress is occurring in the world, making it a better place in the long run
reassure you that people are out their changing the world, the activists are out there teaching and educating and advertising you see what progress has occurred, you see what impact has occurred you see the member numbers growing every week
never stop growing
find existing people who already have long hair for inspiration this also emphasizes shaving and body hair too
inspection: photos to prove that you aren’t cutting, every month, analyze closely
someone who will measure your hair, an inspector (this is local) rewards distribution, after deciding what the rewards will be, whatever we can afford to give
users must DO SOMETHING on this website, daily, frequently, must always want to go look at it every day for some reason, have a need to go back and see it daily. like facebook, with something new always going on. some news, always changing. it’s entertaining in and of itself. not static. not merely a database of people.
you must be convinced that other users are actually doing this for real. you must feel sure that even more people will over time, more and more. you must be reminded to look back at the site and see the impact, see how many more have signed up. don’t forget it exists. don’t forget it matters. believe that there is hope. this isn’t futile. every person who signs up makes a difference. an impact. don’t give up hope, don’t forget, don’t get bored, don’t stop looking at the website.
you must feel involved in a large and growing movement. exciting, camaraderie. lots of us together, and we’re not gonna give up, we’re not gonna change our minds on a whim tomorrow, we’re not gonna say ‘i’m bored, i wanna cut my hair today.’ we need to trust these people, depend on them, rely on them. they’re not fickle. they’re not wishy-washy. they’re not impulsive.
members might be asked to contribute time and run booths on the sidewalk. the community must become accustomed to seeing us there. we are the street corner preachers, always there. people ignore us, but some people hear us. they will get used to us.
some communities will be extremely hostile.
some communities will be more than hostile, but downright evil in their responses. they will do anything to shut us up, shut us down, make us go away, stop seeing us, stigmatize us, give us bad names. an intractable social problem. people will make fun of us for focusing on this particular problem instead of ‘something important’ like hunger or sickness or poverty, whatever.
but this is the problem that matters to us. a ‘first world problem?’ so it is. but it is. we want this. it matters.
there will always, inevitably, be some problem more life-threatening than this one. but we’re not stopping you from trying to solve those problems, are we?
be frugal. whatever money you have, use it in the most minimal way with the greatest impact.

let’s talk about that last thing. this is a first world problem. contemptible, pathetic. why waste time, effort, money, and human resources on fixing such a trivial and unimportant problem? why spend your activist energy here, on this, instead of on something that actually matters, something that will actually ease human suffering?

because this does actually ease human suffering. the suffering of desiring beauty on men and women, but never seeing it, is constant and neverending. you trivialize this suffering. you say it doesn’t matter. we should just get used to it. who cares.

it is a constant thing that separates us from the people around us. if we alone have long hair, but no one else does. like me. if we alone are natural, but no one else is. if we cannot find men with long hair, and nobody is making them. if we lack the power to bring this about. we feel helpless and frustrated, all the time.

this issue isn’t worth fighting for. it’s trivial and unimportant.

well, but it’s also trivial and unimportant all of those corporations that produce beauty products, all the people who cut our hair in the salons, all the people who sell us things for our hair, all the millions of dollars people spend trying to reverse their baldness – isn’t that all trivial first-world problems too? but they’re spending millions of dollars on all those hair-related products and services. they spend millions of dollars on laser hair removal, hair removal creams, bleaches, waxes, dyes, straighteners. why don’t you make fun of all them for wasting their money on something so unimportant? why don’t you make fun of yourself for wasting your own money on whatever hair care products you use? why are you wasting your money on such a first world problem?

so really, if we have an impact, we might actually save other people’s money so they can spend it on more important things. every dollar that they stop spending on hair care and hair removal and all that is a dollar they have available for something more important.

change perspectives.

change their way of seeing this.

how do you change the minds of betas? i argued with betas in that baldness forum years ago. i was on drugs. the betas were
incorrigible, unchangeable, conformists, absolutely unwilling to do anything i suggested. baldness acceptance was totally unthinkable.

baldness acceptance is part of our program too. imagine your health improvements when you stop using drugs for baldness, drugs which are toxic, which have horrible effects on your body in the long run.

step one: for greatest, fastest impact, seek low hanging fruit. people who are already almost there on their own. they just need one final push. they already agree. don’t even need to get paid to do this.

copyrights: ask permission to use photos and images from people on the net who are not necessarily participants in the program, such as black women on youtube with extremely long natural hair. we don’t just want medium long, we want terminal length afros on both men and women.

different booths can have different emphasis, such as a ‘stop shaving!’ booth which doesn’t emphasize ‘grow long hair.’

note: ‘grow long hair’ sounds suspicious, as though i am selling a supplement or nutrient to accelerate the growth of hair. make this message clear: we are not selling supplements to speed up your hair growth. we are instead finding people who will commit to growing long hair. make the pictures and ads very clear about this. not a supplement. a commitment.

acceptance of limitations: your terminal length will vary. blacks have waist length hair almost no matter what. caucasians have variable hair; all other races have variable length hair, some tending to be longer (asians and indians). bald men will have hair that only grows down to mid back or so.

we appreciate whatever you do, regardless of your final results.

we want you to keep your hair at its terminal length, even if it is disappointingly short. you are helping the movement overall by doing this. your contribution matters. you are increasing the overall average length of everyone’s hair by keeping yours as long as it will grow, even if that is disappointingly short.

traction alopecia: talk about this, especially to blacks. we accept your traction alopecia. it’s not your fault. you were never told you would go permanently bald because of hair pulling from weaves, extensions, cornrows, etc. your contribution is desired even if you have bald areas.

we accept your imperfections. we are not seeking only perfect people. we are not seeking only beautiful people. we are seeking everyone.

nonprofits fight against intractable social problems that will never be solved. this is an eternal battle against an ocean, an endless ocean of social forces compelling us to cut our hair. the media, the salons, the hair care products, the advertisements, pressure at work, pressure from family, everyone everywhere telling us to cut and shave our hair. this pressure is neverending.

we fight it one person at a time. the battle never ends. every person whose mind we change is appreciated. we are grateful for your support.

this campaign, public education campaign, is so unusual that it will attract a lot of attention. it will get extremely intense responses from people.

ads on television and on the radio. funding pays for this.

we must have our infrastructure set up to accept members if there are radio or tv ads. we can do those later after we have already started on a shoestring. ads are expensive. we must be ready for everything if we do an ad. we don’t want to roll out a big thing only to have it be a massive failure when hundreds of people try to sign on

the very first members, in the beginning, will not be able to go look at a yearbook with hundreds of local people who are committed. instead, they must be entertained while they wait. we will collect as many long haired pictures as we can, and organize them. they will meet our criteria. our criteria will be principled. i have seen other ‘long hair fetish’ websites where members complain about other (male) members who are posting pictures of celebrities with upper back length hair and calling it ‘long hair’ and saying ‘mmmmmmmm!’ as though they are excited about this – they complain, why are you wasting our space with images of people who look exactly like the people we see around us every day, and calling upper back length hair ‘long hair?’ i have principles. my site is different.

do you let users post images they collect, in a forum like that one was?

don’t know

that would tend to water down the principles. we’d have to have strict criteria.

new users would see only a tiny number of people, or zero people, for the first user who signs up. the new people would all have short hair in the beginning, and would not be exciting to look at in and of themselves. what would make people interested in doing this, if they can’t join a group that already has thousands of well-developed members in it? what’s the incentive to join a group that has zero members as of right now? who would want to be the first person in an empty group, a person who gains nothing by joining, and has no idea whether this will continue over time, or fizzle out? what is the incentive of the very first person who joins and commits, but has no fellow members to see? what about the first dozen new people who have medium hair or short hair but have sworn to grow it – but they’re nothing to look at yet? what do they do there?

would a forum generate bad feelings? would they talk on a forum, then fight and argue with each other? would it be boring? would they want to talk about everything else except long hair?

why would a user feel that this issue matters so much that they want to look at it every day? meanwhile, they worry about paying their bills, they worry about their health, they worry about the million other concerns in their life. yes, you can argue that this is only a first world problem, not something they want to think about every day, every hour. why come back to this website? why think about it again? what if it was only a one time impulse, and they forgot to care about it?

schedule your monthly inspection. or a weekly inspection for the newest people when we have the fewest members. assign tasks to members: you are the next inspector. your job is to measure and photograph hair every week. you are a flyer distributor. you sit at the chair on the sidewalk.

you must be reminded frequently that this is happening and that it matters. we want you to remember. don’t forget. it’s important. it’s not as urgent as going to work, paying your bills, living your life. your hair grows quietly in the background while you are doing all of those things. we are only urging you to stop cutting it. stop those trips to the salon. cancel your next visit.

your salon lady is your friend. she looks forward to seeing you regularly. you guys chat. she comforts you. what will take the place of this? you must resist the urge to have your hair groomed by somebody else. or we will groom it for you, without cutting it. you’d have to meet new people and be groomed by them, after knowing the salon lady for years and being her friend. she knows your life.

perhaps we can talk to all the salons and tell them what we are doing and get them on board. we can tell them: don’t let this particular lady cut her hair. she has committed to growing it long with us. it’s part of a campaign. we’re all doing this. talk to the salons. talk to the barbers for the men. tell them what we’re doing and why, so they know. don’t keep them out of it. they might actually like the idea. you don’t have to stop going to your salon. try to convince some salons and barbers to go along with our campaign, our movement.

you can still style it, wash it, whatever.

if you sign up for ‘slower growth’ option, you can still trim split ends, you will just make a lot less progress. people who insist that they absolutely must go to a salon frequently can sign up for the slow growth option. we are still making a difference. watered down.

how would salons and barbers not be hostile to this? are they losing paying customers? maybe we could make it profitable for them somehow. green hat thinking.

if we could do that, then we could also ask for sponsorship from the companies that make hair care products too. we’d try to get our people in their ads, get the longest haired people on television and in magazines advertising hair care products. change the public perception of this. that is our goal: change public perception, educate the public. hair care ads would show extremely long hair, including afros.

the more cooperation we get from the establishment, the better off we are. we can use their help. just send a strong message that isn’t watered down or selling out.

educating the public is an intractable social problem. education: never ends. eternal. has no end. see this as a nonprofit activity, like feeding the poor, etc. we must educate people in their ignorance. change their minds.

another group which will be difficult or impossible to get on board: gays, lesbians, transgenders. lesbians with horrible hair are the norm. gays are fully shaved over their entire body.

i don’t really mind doing without those people, if they are as annoying as i am imagining. i’m thinking of the betas and the people on the youtube videos doing body modifications and stuff. i don’t mind leaving them out of this. let them do what they will. there will be people whose minds will never change. they insist on making their bodies into plastic, the ‘ken doll’ guy. he will never remove his implants and grow all his hair long for us. the lesbians will never stop cutting their hair into a butch short cut and dyeing it blue. let them.

fat people: we also need to openly encourage fat people to join. fat people have the most to gain from growing long hair. it makes them attractive in spite of being fat. pictures must show fat people with very long hair, all races, both sexes. long hair transforms ugly people into beautiful people.

ugly people should be featured in many photos. they don’t necessarily have to be fat, they just have to be normal looking, plain, ugly. our photos won’t be photoshopped and won’t have makeup. in fact, seeing normal plain people in the photos will be reassuring. this is real. this is possible. everybody can do this. i can do this. i don’t have to be perfect to grow my hair long and be beautiful. real people are doing this. it will be normal, commonplace, all around me everywhere. it will be universal. i can accept who i am and how i look. i can fit in. i won’t feel like a loser or an outsider because i’m ugly. i won’t feel like a failure.

it won’t be like a fantasy anymore. it won’t just be something we see in japanese animations, or on drawings of fairies and fantasy creatures. it will be common. we will no longer ache for the sight of it.

one thing: my website MUST NOT HAVE something getting in your way urging you to sign up on the very first page that you view, and it absolutely must not have a popup dialog box that you have to click the x on, which is always out of reach due to the fact that it’s zoomed in on a lower resolution, and you must give them your email address in order to view anything, or sign up to use the site at all. I WILL NOT USE THAT TRICK. it offends me so greatly that i absolutely will not use the ‘sign up to view anything’ techniques. like facebook and other sites – you can’t view someone’s profile unless you sign up, blah blah, forcing people to join, only to find that that’s the same reason everybody else joined, too, and nobody is actually doing anything, and there are millions of dead accounts with ghosts in them because people signed up to glance at something, decided they weren’t interested or the site was too horrible and non-user-friendly to use, then never went there again. i won’t do that on my site.

the reason i was reminded of that is because i’m seeing it on the page below me now. i just looked at ‘gofundme’ and i’m seeing a big orange thing that says ‘sign up free’ instead of a page with actual content. why should i take it on faith that your website will actually be usable and contain actual content that i want to see? i just want to glance at it to see what it’s all about, lurk a bit, get a feel for what this place is doing, and maybe then i will sign up if i can gain anything by doing so.

gofundme mentions updates. you update people who’ve participated to tell them how it’s doing.

what about an ongoing and eternal fund which will never, ever end till the end of eternity, for an intractable social problem that will never go away? raise money to teach people to grow hair long (if you can get past the ‘this is a trivial concern’ perception).

what does gofundme do about such things? ‘help the poor’ is a vague, eternal, intractable, infinite problem, whose dollar value is infinity. you can only make short term specific goals that have a finite dollar value. i like those types of goals, myself, but this one is not that. it can be broken down into pieces like that, but still, it goes forever. there will be no end, and there can be no end. we will never be able to say ‘we won!’ ‘we’re done!’ ‘it’s over!’ this is a ‘taxing’ type activity, something which must bleed money from people contantly to support it.

we can make revenues other ways besides funding!

funding is only to get it started. funding is to do something specific just to start it up, start getting results, get some needed supplies for a specific campaign, etc, then watch the results of that campaign. the campaign could do something to generate revenues too. setting up something which is expected to keep generating revenues, but which requires an initial investment, or several investments over time.

but what if i can’t think of a good way to effectively generate revenues, reliably and consistently over the long term? what if it requires a lot of trial and error, a lot of advertising, a much more enormous budget than i originally thought? the budget will be many multiples greater than i first estimate. my tiny first campaign will flop. then i have no revenues which i was counting on. then i need more funding. i might not have any measurable results at all. i might get zero members, zero signups, zero website visits, zero people stopping at my sidewalk flyer booth.

how much do the flyers and booth cost? that is a small finite amount.

how to measure results:

countable numbers.

number of website views. number of signups. number of people who stop at the booth and talk (don’t let one person monopolize! what do we do about that? someone will want to chat and monopolize the booth, blocking others from reaching it). number of flyers handed out – count the originals, then count it after the day is done to see how many were taken.

find all locations where freedom of speech is allowed: sidewalk booth flyers, pages on bulletin boards in public places, ads, anything, anywhere that we can put up an ad, for free. start with free stuff first, for the least financial impact. shoestring budget.

after having done this, we will be frustrated by all that effort and the lack of results. we would need money to have a greater impact. but we still might not generate revenues from anything unless we are selling a product or service. this is an education campaign and social activism, not selling products and services. our goal is to change minds, change what people do, change lifestyles. if you can think of a way to profit from this, then tell me so, but i can’t.

if we did have tons of money to spend, then yeah, of course we could do a larger paid advertisement someplace. of course that would be great. yeah, it would get results, it would get countable numbers of people going to the website, it would have an impact, it would get attention. pay for my ad someplace = $100,000 just for a fifteen second ad on television, something like that. all for a nonprofitable activity.

and i won’t let retards design my website and make it all bulky and nonfunctional. it will be sparse, minimal, basic, and functional, like craigslist. there must be a purpose for going to this website. unlike craigslist, however, i won’t abandon it and let it be taken over by trolls and conformists who will flag and delete anything they don’t like.

train your replacement: teach new people the principles, the laws, the gospel. make them believe along with you. then teach them to teach others the same, forever. for eternity. this intractable social problem has existed for eternity and will never end. it has existed since the dawn of man. since man first learned to pick up a sharp rock and use it to cut things, man has been cutting his hair. it is eternal and it will never stop. your replacements must be aware that this is an infinite and neverending phenomenon. we can never win. we can only fight against the ocean of pressure against us. it will be eternal.

remember: in the past, people did activism without websites. don’t underestimate the value of person to person contact. imagine that this whole thing is being done without a website, and that will encourage you to focus on results, local results. that is an interesting limitation. imagine it was a rule. imagine it was forbidden for you to waste even a second of your time on worrying about a website. maybe, emails to send out at the very least. at most. the greatest impact will be local and in person. there was a world without the internet, long ago, and people still got things done, and in fact they did more than we do today. maybe you will have an even greater impact if you shun the internet and focus on person to person contact.

measurable results, then, without the internet? there will be no website views. the only thing you might count is: number of emails sent out to registered members. number of email replies. number of subscribers to the paper magazine sent through the mail (note: there was a ‘hair to stay’ magazine which stopped being sent.).

for the sake of the creator: how can this project be done in the creator’s absence? how will it create its own momentum so the creator can abandon it, as she surely will as soon as the drugs wear off and/or another disaster strikes and/or she relocates, etc, etc, to infinity? how can this have a life and growth of its own? how can it be a machine with its own life, with no interaction needed from the creator to keep it going?

hire a nagger. you make weekly payments to the nagger, whose job is to nag you. they remind you and must see you in person to urge you to keep doing this at all costs. keep paying them. don’t fire them. their job is to be your boss, except it’s actually you who’s the boss and you’re paying them to nag you. perhaps this should be an LSE. they must never be dispirited about the fact that they must always command you to do things. they must never run out of the drive to do things. it is natural for them to take action to get things done.

i don’t mean a criticizer or insulter. i mean someone who constantly asks me: what did you do to move towards your goal? do something. maybe try this. maybe try that. week after week after week, forever, always pushing me to move towards this goal, urging me to take action, do something. what did i do, what were the results, what happened, did i make progress?

they get paid daily to visit you and nag you daily. you must discuss your goals with them. they constantly urge you to clarify what those goals are. they receive a daily payment. make sure you don’t accidentally hire an LIE, or they will be using -Te instead of +Te, and it will be too vague. you need a specific nagger, not a vague nagger.

fix misconceptions about the idea that it doesn’t always ‘look good’ and that ‘looking good’ matters. looks old, looks young, face is too long and narrow, all of these are misleading fallacies which lead us away from the truth: long hair is always beautiful, no matter who it’s on, and the more long haired people there are in the world, the better off we all are. taking into account weston price, we know that people wouldn’t have long skinny faces if they weren’t deformed. you shouldn’t be forever deprived of long hair because of a weston price deformity that you have through no fault of your own. if we worried about whether it always ‘looks good,’ then nothing will ever be accomplished.

our people must be shown without makeup, and with hair center parted. they do not have to always wear it that way, but only for the photos. it also must be washed and styled according to instructions, which we will work out over time. i do not know all the beauty products that black people are using on their hair, and i will have to learn which ones we can do without. the goal is to reduce the number of beauty products they are using, because i have seen them using dozens of things on their hair and making an extremely complicated routine that takes a very long time, which we do not want. the results are fine if you don’t do all that stuff. we want to discourage it, but i will have to gradually learn what they are doing first. – without cutting off hair

note to self: inform black people to stop putting their children’s hair into extremely tight ponytails with extremely tight elastic bands!!! argh! it was agony to watch! traction alopecia!!!

don’t let the black people think that just because they’re black and you’re white, you can’t tell them anything about black hair that they don’t already know. they do not know about traction alopecia, the damage done by pulling. forbid them, in this project, to use tight elastic bands of any kind. any bands must be compliant with your rules for what types of hair restraints and methods can be used! it is forbidden to put a tight narrow elastic band around a ponytail right near the head, then braid it below that, which the lady did in that video. that pulls too tightly on the roots. the band at the base is not needed. braids hold themselves at the base and do not require a band near the head.

it is extremely important to stop black people from putting tight bands in children’s hair at the youngest possible age! – must emphasize for this project: do not cut split ends. learn to ignore them. your hair will grow much, much faster as a result, contrary to what everyone says about how split ends slow down your hair growth. they do not. they do not affect the hair higher up the shaft, and they do not lead to the splitting of hair higher up. ignore them. it is extremely important for this project that you grow the greatest length as fast as possible, and that means ignoring split ends.

OMG WHAT THE FUCK! they took off about two years worth of
growth!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

‘i’m doing it as part of a project, and i can’t break the rules.’ shifts responsibility off of you whenever people tell you you have split ends or uneven ends, etc.

he says it’s irritating to get so much constant attention, people mistaking him for a girl, always getting compliments. i understand this is annoying. we are going to have to endure this. it is a form of harassment, although it isn’t intended as such. long hair should be seen as the norm, not as an exception, not as beautiful, not as different or unusual. you do not grow long hair to be unique and different. no one should see it that way. long hair should be normal conformity because it is always good regardless of whether it is ‘unique’ or ‘exceptional’ versus normal mundane and ordinary. long hair is good. you never get sick of seeing it. it is impossible to get sick of. it is impossible for it to stop being beautiful. if every person in the entire society had long hair, it would still be beautiful and no one would ever be bored with it, the same way that we never get bored with having two arms and two legs and feel no need to chop them off to be different out of boredom. long hair is a part of the human body and it was not meant to be removed at all. it has nothing to do with being different or the same. it is always beautiful. our goal is to increase the number and the population density of long haired people so that it will be more of a norm and people will stop constantly complimenting it. if you see it everywhere all the time, then you can no longer compliment it. compliments are a form of well-meaning harassment, but harassment nonetheless. people should take long hair for granted, as it was meant to be. it was meant to be universal and common to everyone.

stop donating hair to cancer.

no, long hair is NOT ANDROGYNOUS!!!! people say it’s cool because it makes you androgynous. there is no such thing as hair-related androgyny. men’s and women’s hair is the same, forever (unless there really are any physiological differences between them, which are trivial). beard hair is something else entirely, but yet, beards do not occur in all races of people. people were designed to be naked. there is no such thing as androgyny caused by long hair, except in a society where men’s long hair has been repressed. in societies where men’s long hair is normal, androgyny is a normal part of life. for each and every person you meet, you must interact with them directly and up close and hear their voice and learn their name, and act with caution in the very beginning, not knowing if they are a boy or girl, and it does not matter, and we take this for granted that there will be a short time in the beginning when we do not know if someone is a boy or girl. then we do, and then we remember, and it doesn’t matter anymore. that is the way it should be. when you are close, hearing their voice, seeing their face, learning their name, that is how you find out if they are a boy or girl. in a nudist community it is even easier. there could also be a clothing style that differentiates, and it doesn’t have to be dresses and skirts – it doesn’t bother me if men wear skirts, or if long-haired androgynous boys wear skirts. each society can decide on some method of making it easier to tell them apart, so long as the method does not damage the hair or cut it, and so long as it does not require one gender to constantly keep their hair up in a bun or something – for instance they might decide to require all men to always keep their hair up in a bun to differentiate between men and women – don’t do that. women need to see men’s long hair and touch it and interact with it. the point is, androgyny does not matter and androgyny is not a desirable thing or a cool thing that results from men having long hair.

excessive compliments are a sign that the general public is suffering from a lack of a universal human need for long hair. people’s emotional reactions to it are extremely intense, and they feel deprived. long hair is meant to be universal and available everywhere at all times. it is meant to be commonplace and taken for granted so that the pain of it is never intense. there is meant to be no deprivation.

not only did i drink coffee, i drank starbucks coffee from a bag from the grocery store – it was pre-ground, and i just made it in the cup and drank from the cup, since i don’t have a coffeemaker. then i also had coke later on. so, this activity is not normal. i would definitely need a nagger to make me do this project if i were decaffeinated and drug-free.

warning – economic collapse in progress – how big is it?

April 29, 2015

I just noticed there are a whole bunch of stores closing in Canada – Target is closing ALL of its stores, and a bunch of other chains are closing in Canada too.

Some kind of economic bubble is bursting. They borrowed too much money, had too much growth, it was too speculative, and now it’s falling apart. Are interest rates going up for real? The Fed keeps PRETENDING they’re going to raise interest rates, but they never actually do it, and the purpose of their pretending is to trick the markets into ‘anticipating’ that rates will go up, but they never raise them up. Are real rates trying to go up but being suppressed?

It’s a long time since I read about any of this, and I’m also not taking as many drugs as I was taking years ago, so my brain doesn’t tend to focus on these things for very long. I actually used to have more technical explanations for what was going on, in the past, than I do now.

So, we are having a wave of business failures and business cutbacks, right now. See where it will go. I am out of touch with the news on these things, and it’s been a long time since I read any of the deep analysts who really understand the technical details of what is going on in the economy.

I encountered a violent, hateful person who felt like a ‘gang stalker’

April 28, 2015

1:23 PM 4/28/2015

A couple days ago I ran out of coffee, which is probably the primary reason why I am blogging slightly less often than usual. I did have a couple cups of coffee at work the other night, at the Bryce Jordan Center Manpower job. (I also blogged less because I was working overnights and was exhausted.)

Oh, that reminds me, I didn’t mention this on the targeted individuals / electronic harassment facebook groups yet, but I had an incident with a ‘gang stalker.’

Most other victims report direct interaction with their gang stalkers, who approach them in person and taunt them directly. I don’t experience that myself. I have had many people who involuntarily are forced to say something that makes it seem as though they ‘know something’ about what I’m doing, but I classify them as puppets who don’t know what they’re doing, often people taking drugs that make them more suggestible.

However, I had an incident the other night when I was riding my bike up to the Bryce Jordan Center. Technically, this still could just as easily be classified as a puppet incident, where someone is forced to get the urge to say something, especially if they’re on the right drugs. But the *feeling* I had from the incident was worse than usual.

It was dark. I was riding my bike, slowly, at a crawl, up the bike path near the Bryce Jordan Center. The Garth Brooks concert was letting out. I can’t stand Garth Brooks, from the tiny bits and pieces that I’ve heard from him, and so I assume that people who like Garth Brooks are probably the type of people who I don’t like.

This car was coming out of the concert, on a road that crossed my bike path. I reached the intersection when they did. The driver of the car was facing towards me. They were stopped and were about to pull out into the road. His window was open. I didn’t notice what type of vehicle it was because I wasn’t really looking, and didn’t really process the incident until after it happened and it was too late, and I was looking at other things around me. I didn’t even see what the person looked like.

Through the open window he said: “It’s got shit in its mustache,” except they were doing that way of talking where you put ‘er’ into everything, so it sounded more like “It’s gert shert in its merstersh.”

That is something that the voices say to me.

I had been wiping my face, that very moment, because it was cold outside and my nose was a little bit runny and itchy. I had thick gloves on, and I was wiping my mouth or in the general area under my nose.

I have heard voices in my head for many, many years, this whole time, referring to my mustache, talking about it, making connections with shit, talking about eating shit, being preoccupied with shit, having shit in my mustache, the mustache looks like I have shit around my mouth, and so on and so forth.

Also, the voices often refer to me as ‘it’ or something genderless and inanimate. It is a way of disrespecting me and also of enforcing the conformity of what men and women are supposed to look like.

Women’s mustaches do not exist. In reality, a huge percentage of women actually have mustaches, and I’m estimating it could be as high as 1/4 of all women, especially as they get older. However, nobody knows about that, because 99.99% of women use bleach, wax, or at the very least a razor, to remove the hair so effectively that you wouldn’t even know any hair grew there at all. They make it completely invisible. So it is unknown and taboo, in spite of being extremely common and normal.

So there is nothing ‘unfeminine’ about a mustache, if it’s something that a huge percentage of women have. You can tell the difference in DEGREE. A man’s beard is much thicker, longer, and coarser. A woman’s mustache is extremely thin and fine and it only grows to a very short length. Many other sex differences are also differences in degree. The anatomy of the vulva and the penis are the same, but different in size – they both have the exact same tissues, which develop from the same tissues in the embryo. Women and men both have muscles, but men’s muscles are larger. Women and men both have shoulders, but men’s shoulders are broader. Women and men both have hips, but women’s hips are wider. These are differences in degree, how much, how big, whatever. The same is true for facial hair.

Anyway, so the voices were constantly preoccupied with the mustache, and with eating shit, and always talked about those things, and referred to me as ‘it.’ I have heard voices talking that way for many years, although it hasn’t been as bad in recent years, perhaps because I’m not using antidepressants now. Antidepressants make the voices much, much more abusive.

The person in the car radiated this feeling. I felt my own reaction to the person, but it seemed as though an emotion or aura directly radiated from that person, very intensely. It was a feeling of loathing, hatred, evil, sickness, murder, and suicide. I had this feeling that the person in the car was ready, at any moment, for death, to kill or be killed. At any moment, they were willing to die, and also to kill. They were suicidal and homicidal, and they would torture other people in the hopes that those people would retaliate and kill them – the ‘death by cops’ phenomenon, where you act all crazy and get the cops to shoot you, thereby committing suicide.

This person was probably drunk. They had a lot of beer at the concert – cleaning up beer cans was part of our job. The voices in my head sometimes talk to me as though they’re drunk, and those are the nights of the worst torture and harassment, and they often occur on Saturday nights, when everyone drinks.

They also might have been chronic drug users, maybe prescription drugs, maybe illegal drugs. The worst crimes of the Nazis were committed by the people who were the craziest from the drugs they were using, and they were using some of the worst illegal drugs in existence. Drug use is actually one of the biggest factors behind everything that the Nazis did. They would not have murdered so many people so willingly and so horribly if they had not been on so many drugs.

It was unusual. I don’t normally have incidents where it feels as though I am encountering a ‘gang stalker’ face to face, the way the other victims always describe. Like I said, I almost always encounter people who seem to be innocent, ordinary people who have been forced to get the urge to say something or do something, as a puppet, and I don’t blame them for that. This person in the truck felt different. It felt as though this person really was evil, really did know exactly what he was saying and exactly what it meant to me, knew about the voices in my head and was one of the people putting those voices there.

All of this is just how I felt. I don’t have any evidence for it. And I said that technically, anybody can be a puppet, no matter who they are, and it’s impossible to judge who is responsible for their own actions when all of us are being controlled. Anyone who isn’t wearing a mind control shield to prevent themselves from being controlled is potentially a puppet.

It just seemed like there was something *wrong with* this person. They were somehow extremely stupid, extremely evil, stupid to the point of disability, and yet smart about things that are evil, able to do evil things well, but unable to do good things. They almost seemed not human. This was a feeling that intensely radiated from him, in just a couple seconds as I approached that truck – I think it was a pickup truck, but like I said, I wasn’t really looking directly at them when they said this, and didn’t really understand what had happened until a few moments later, when they pulled away and were gone. And it’s unusual for me to say that somebody seems ‘inhuman,’ but that was the feeling I got. Someone who is just so stupid, so evil, and so antilife that they are not even human.

I understand now what all the people in the forums and web pages are talking about when they describe these people. I already knew that from interacting with the voices in my head, and also by inference – anyone who would do this to someone is evil, stupid, antilife, and inhuman. But the other victims always said they were encountering these people directly, on the streets, where they taunted them and harassed them in person, and I was always skeptical, thinking those people were probably just puppets being forced to say something.

It is rare that I would have such an incident. In the beginning, I also had oncoming cars being forced to swerve into my lane,
threatening to hit me head-on, but that also stopped happening after not going on for very long. I suspected those people might have been Ambien users or some other drug users who were being zapped and forced to doze off at the wheel, then forced to swerve into my lane, rather than actually being the ‘gang stalkers’ themselves in those cars.

The suicidal/homicidal feeling that radiated from that person in the truck (or vehicle, whatever) was noteworthy. That usually indicates drug use. It’s a strong feeling, a strong aura, which might literally be an electromagnetic field, which might be created by antidepressants or other drugs. Electromagnetic fields actually exist, and they do actually surround a human body, and I am saying that perhaps the size and strength of that field are modified by drugs, so that other people around them can detect that field. That is my explanation for what happens when you ‘detect an aura’ around somebody.

I have had it happen before, usually with people who seem to be violent or on the verge of violence, or who seem to have high blood pressure, or people who seem to – I forgot what I was about to say. I just remember a guy working at the Carnegie Inn, one of the managers, who seemed like he was just about to explode with rage at any moment and kill others or himself, and I clearly got an impression that his head needed to explode, as though there was too much pressure inside his skull. I always had this feeling around him, and I could be standing 20 feet away from him but still get this feeling, that his skull absolutely had to explode, that his skull and brain had to be crushed.

He had sort of a thick, stiff neck, like most of the military guys do, and I got the same impression from a military guy who was giving a speech about something on youtube – the same stiff, rigid neck which feels like you’re just about to pound somebody with your arms – steroid use. People who use steroids build up their necks so they become thick, and they are always about to explode with murderous violence.

I strongly dislike these people, instantly and always. I knew another guy who worked at one of the grocery stores who, I seem to recall, I vaguely remember that he once confessed to having used steroids in the past, as in, for some reason I remember hearing that he really did, not just guessing but officially being told, and this guy was big and bulky in exactly the way that I find utterly repulsive and loathesome and inhuman, with the thick stiff neck and the feeling that he was always just an instant away from pummelling someone with his fists.

The irony – I read a story about a steroid user who was trying to get more women to like him, but the more steroids he used, the less they liked him. In my experience, girls go crazy over the skinniest, wimpiest guys.

That was all the sensation that I picked up through the field radiating from this guy in the vehicle (I really did not look – it seemed to be high off the ground, so I said ‘truck’), without even really glancing at him. Whatever I saw, whatever I felt, it was murderous violence and suicide, or suicide-by-cop, or
suicide-by-retaliation/defense. It was stupidity and evil, purified, with shrewd competence only at evil things, and it radiated hate and sickness, vomit.

Sometimes when you are near these people you feel the urge to vomit, and they themselves are exhaling the fumes of their drugs metabolizing in their body so that all the air around them is full of drug vapors, which you inhale secondhand – I’ve experienced that before, too, and so I inhale drug metabolites and feel their effects. Sometimes people exhale vomit fumes, especially when drunk, and those vomit fumes trigger the vomit urge in others. There is some hormonal substance that commands the body to vomit, commands the throat muscles to move in reverse peristalsis. I think that substance vaporizes and affects others nearby.

I wonder what that person feels like when they’re *not* drunk, not on drugs, and not on their way out of a loud, noisy, ear-destroying, high-volume, horrible Garth Brooks concert, with bright colored lights and unbearably loud sensory stimulation in a huge crowd of people.

Anyway, I’m out of coffee and I might possibly get some more. I’ve been drinking tea instead, which is very unusual for me. Tea ruins my teeth very rapidly. I don’t want to drink it for too long. But since I reduced my coffee consumption, I have had some urges to do mundane housecleaning activities which desperately need to be done. That was, actually, what this blog was originally going to be about, before I suddenly remembered the weird violent-inhuman incident on the way to work.

Benzodiazepines might rewire the brain more strongly than rabies does; no business loans for people who have college loans

April 25, 2015

12:43 PM 4/25/2015

no business loans if you have a college loan outstanding

this explains why the whole world sucks

8:29 PM 4/25/2015

I’ve been sleeping. I worked on whatever day it was, whatever time it was. For some reason I can’t remember. It must have been Thursday. I helped set up the lights and the wiring for the Garth Brooks concert. I can’t remember what time of day I worked. I have to look. It’s so weird that my brain can’t remember. Oh, okay, that’s right, we went there at 9:30 am, and I was supposed to stay all day, till 9:00 pm, but they let me out early at 3:00 pm. That was the first day.

Then I worked last night. I started working at 10pm and worked till 5am. We had breaks. I just swept the chairs where the audience sat. Then we spot mopped. We didn’t mop the whole thing, just individual places where there were small spills.

So I (argh! my left shift key isn’t working! Every time I write “I” it’s writing it as a lowercase i!) worked overnight last night and I am confused about the day and time now.

I was going to say, I can see how a benzodiazepine would work against rabies. American Skullcap might really be stronger than rabies, because it competes to rewire your brain cells and nerve cells even faster and more strongly than rabies does.

I knew benzodiazepines were an absolute nightmare to withdraw from. They cause vomiting, and the vomiting is severe and begins very quickly when you start withdrawing. Because of this it is almost impossible to withdraw from benzodiazepines. You have to substitute some other substance which is similar, but has less severe withdrawal effects.

I had only been testing one tiny flake of skullcap. I wasn’t even eating it for the first two days. Then, I tried swallowing the flake, and I also ate more than one flake in one day. Boom, that was enough. I started going into withdrawal from it if I didn’t eat it soon enough. Yesterday (argh! this shift key! wtf!) – I’m still confused about what day this happened – I had an almost irresistible urge to vomit, which was so strong that not even ginger was able to stop it, or, just barely. I hurried to eat some ginger, and I was still fighting the strong urge, and I ate some more ginger, and then sat there struggling for a long time. I didn’t feel like I had a real stomach virus. I think I probably went into withdrawal because I had been using more than the usual amount of skullcap – just two flakes in a day, which I swallowed rather than just putting them into my mouth and removing them. That tiny little extra dose was enough to trigger the physical withdrawal later.

Fortunately, it doesn’t have whatever that’s called, the desirability addiction, where you actually crave it and want it. When I had the bag of hemp flour, I actually desired it. I was lying in bed, aware that the bag was sitting up on my little shelf nearby. I could feel it and see it in my mind’s eye, right there nearby, and I wanted it, which is why I dumped it all out and got rid of it and decided not to use any of it at all. But this skullcap, I don’t desire or crave in that way, I just get physically addicted to it and go into withdrawal.

Rabies rewires your brain, and I know, because I am fairly sure that I did actually have it for real. It was rewiring my brain before I got the vaccine, and I experienced its effects. I experienced the sensation of having involuntary reflexes triggered by events in the outside world, such as aerophobia, the spasming of my throat when the wind blew in my face, and the night when I drank the water snake (as I called it in my blog – I became acutely aware of the three dimensional nature of the water going down my throat). Rabies rewires your brain to respond improperly to these events, and when it starts to happen, it is automatic, something you are helpless to stop. That was why I got vaccinated.

I’m not sure I would have been confident enough to try to cure rabies using only this herb, but that’s because I’ve never dealt with it before. You only get one chance with rabies. You don’t get to practice with it again and again. If I were helping other people with the disease, who were beyond all help and dying, I would have no hesitation whatsoever to use this herb, and plenty of it. It rewires your brain just as strongly and as quickly as rabies does, and you are helpless to resist this rewiring, and when it happens, you are helpless to resist the involuntary things that it does to you, such as the extremely strong involuntary urge to vomit when you go into withdrawal, and the withdrawal begins immediately within less than a day if you stop it. Such strong and powerful rewiring is able to compete with rabies.

They have found, after death, that people’s brains are not that badly damaged by rabies – just changed. That is why they’ve been getting this theory that it ought to be possible to survive rabies somehow, if the damage it causes is so hard to see. It’s rewired things and changed things, but isn’t going around smashing everything or destroying everything.

So anyway, today I did not eat any skullcap. I will take a break from it for a couple days. I still have a sensation of stiffness in the back of my neck, which makes me aware that I had a brain infection that did not completely go away, and so I do not completely feel safe. But I can imagine that rewiring your brain with a powerful drug that works rapidly and that causes strong, involuntary physical reflexes like vomiting when you go into withdrawal might really be powerful enough to work against rabies. It’s doing the same thing rabies does, only faster and better – rewiring everything.

Okay, now for what I wrote at the beginning.

I was working last night, overnight. When we were leaving, one of the guys mentioned that he could not get a loan to start his own business because he had an outstanding college loan. He was saying he had to pay off his college loan first before he could get a business loan.

For some reason, something he said caught my attention, and I said, ‘Wait, what? They won’t give you a business loan because you have a college loan?’ I suddenly understood everything, it seemed. I understood why the world sucks. I understood all these helpless, obedient robots who go to college, and then spend years and years paying off their loans while searching desperately for a ‘job,’ always a job, always looking for a job that somebody else must hand out to them, a job at a pre-existing business.

Why wouldn’t all those obedient robots just start their own businesses? Why aren’t any of them innovative? Are they really all just obedient robots who are totally lacking innovation or doing anything for themselves, just conformists who cannot create anything new? That was what I always thought! I thought that the type of people who successfully completed college and got degrees were these obedient robots with no imagination and no ingenuity who were incapable of starting anything new for themselves.

So I went a long time, thinking that all these college students who graduated from school were just simply too stupid and too conformist to try starting their own businesses or creating their own corporations.

Suddenly, last night, when this guy said this, I realized, it’s not their fault. They cannot get a loan to start their own business if they have an outstanding college loan. So, they are FORCED to go hunt for a pre-existing ‘job’ that some other corporation must hand out to them. If they cannot find this ‘job,’ they’re screwed. They can only hunt for ‘jobs’ because they cannot start their own businesses.

And… the world sucks, because, if you drop out of college and you’re poor, you can’t get a business loan either. I dropped out of college and my parents were the ones paying the bill, so I don’t have an unpaid loan, but I can’t get a business loan! I’m a poor slave who has never proven that I’m able to run a business profitably!

The only people who can get business loans are…. people who are already rich, and people who already have owned businesses or already own businesses right now. You can’t get a loan if you went to college. You can’t get a loan if you didn’t go to college and you’re poor and have no prior demonstrations of business competence. But you CAN get a business loan if you’re already rich, already own a business, and perhaps they’d make an exception and lend you more money if you had a college loan on top of that if you were already a wealthy business owner or came from a wealthy family.

The only people who can get money are the people who already have money. The only way you can pay off your college loan is by working at a pre-existing ‘job’ that some corporation had to create and hand to you, so you are totally dependent on the economy, which determines whether these ‘jobs’ exist or not. If they don’t exist, you can’t pay off your loan. Then you can’t start your own business either, so you work in a fast food restaurant with a college degree. None of them start their own businesses BECAUSE THEY CAN’T. They have college degrees, they have knowledge, they have education, they know things, they learned a lot, but they can’t apply any of that knowledge because they cannot start their own businesses and do their own things; hence, the world sucks.

I wasn’t aware that all these conformist robots who completed college and got their degrees were actually UNABLE to start their own businesses. I thought they were just too stupid to try starting a business.

However, you can start a business with a minimal amount of money if you plan it carefully. If you build it up incrementally then you can start with just a small amount of money. You don’t have to have a million dollars to start a business. If you have $1,000, you can buy a machine or something, which will lead to making more profit, which you will reinvest in the business. If you have a credit card, then you are able to borrow $1,000, albeit at a high rate of interest.

So, to some extent, it is stupidity, kind of, which prevents them from starting their own businesses. I’m assuming these people aren’t all suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome like I am, and so they have no excuse for not spending every free second of their time doing something productive, because that is what I would do if I didn’t have chronic fatigue. Those people who do not have chronic fatigue syndrome ought to all be starting their own businesses by starting small, with a $1,000 investment into the business, which will make profits that they reinvest so they can build their business bigger. They would have to do this in their free time outside of work, since they do not have chronic fatigue syndrome.

Those who do have fatigue, I sympathize, and I understand there is no such thing as having enough free time outside of work to do something. I myself am already exhausted after working only two days. I rode my bike there and back both days, too. Then I did hard physical labor for hours, much harder than the work at McDonald’s a lot of the time. I was lifting heavy things or bending over to sweep underneath hundreds of seats. So I am very tired and I’m finding it hard to do anything outside of work except lie around and sleep.

I can’t even cook, which is extremely bad. That is the reason why I hate working. I hate being so tired that I can’t muster up the will to cook.

Anyway, when that guy said that last night, it was extremely interesting, and I jumped into the conversation. I suddenly understood something about the whole world, about the economy, about why it all sucks, about why there is no innovation and no competition, about why we don’t have hundreds of startup businesses with people fresh out of college who have ideas and have learned things. They can’t. They can’t get business loans.

Granted, they are not doing the ‘microloan’ business model as I described, where you do something with only $1,000 and reinvest it incrementally back into the business, making the business bigger and more profitable. College doesn’t teach you to run a business.

But I expect there would be a lot more innovation and competition and new businesses if people were able to get a business loan while they also had an outstanding college loan. It would help greatly if the price of college was reduced, and, as the libertarians would point out, the reason why college became so extremely expensive was because the government guaranteed that everyone would be allowed to get a college loan, so they’re like, ‘Hey! Everyone is guaranteed to get a loan! Why don’t we make it cost $1,000,000 for one semester at college! We’ll be rich! It’s guaranteed government money!’ I forget who it is exactly that provides the money for these loans. It isn’t really government money. The college loan scandal is something I’m not an expert on. But there are many articles about it out there.

College is supposed to be really cheap, the same way that medical care is supposed to be really cheap, or even free, provided as a charity by people who care, but because of the legal regulations, or the guaranteed loans in the case of colleges, those things are not able to be provided for low cost or free.

So if the cost of college was much lower, then maybe people would be more willing to provide business loans to people who had outstanding college loans. But you might owe $800,000 for college, for example. And you are absolutely required to pay that off or go to jail. Jail! The college loan scandal. It’s a nightmare. Then you’ve bought a house, and you’ve moved into a city so that you can ‘GET A JOB,’ which is your only way of earning enough money to pay that college loan off. You must work at a giant global macrocorporation which already exists, and you must seek to climb the corporate ladder and get into middle management, so that you can earn more money and pay the loan. You’re moving into a city, which means your house is also hugely expensive. So you have an $800,000 college loan, plus a $1,000,000 house in the city so you’re close to where you have to work, and you can’t work anywhere smaller than a big city, because you won’t earn enough money to pay off that loan.

This is why the world sucks. Something is wrong.

I’ll go ahead and post this. In a few hours, I’m going in to work again. Then I will have several days off, until next weekend, when I will help after the next concert. He’s giving several concerts.

Scutellaria lateriflora is intended to treat, prevent, and cure a disease

April 23, 2015

9:16 PM 4/23/2015

I bought scutellaria lateriflora (American skullcap) a few days ago, whenever I asked Steve to drive me around town looking for medicinal herbs. I got it from Nature’s Pantry. They had all these organic foods there too, which I would have wanted to buy. They do accept food stamps. I didn’t buy anything else that day.

I hadn’t tried any of the skullcap yet. Finally I tried it yesterday. I tested a microdose of it. It’s dried leaves which are all crumbled into tiny flakes a couple millimeters across. So I used only one flake. I put it underneath my tongue, and kept it there for a few minutes, and then removed the flake and threw it away, instead of swallowing it. I just wanted to see my reaction.

The reaction on the first night was more dramatic than the reaction on the second night. Apparently I got used to it, because when I took it tonight, it didn’t do much. I have noticed that anytime I eat anything new, regardless of what it is, whether it is a new plant or a new meat or a new organ of the animal, whatever, it causes some kind of immune reaction. My body recognizes that these chemicals are unfamiliar. It has never tasted this before. It tends to trigger some kind of anxiety feelings and immune responses, as though I might vomit. Almost everything new that I try triggers that response temporarily, the first time I try it, but stops triggering it so noticeably later on. One example was the szechuan pepper. When I first tried that, it made me feel like I was going to pass out. But after that, I could eat it anytime I wanted without any problems. It was just the first time.

So the first time I tried a flake of skullcap under my tongue, I had similar feelings – the awareness that my immune system knew this was an unfamiliar chemical, the feeling that I might throw up, feelings of panic, even though it was an extremely small flake. I took it out from under my tongue rather quickly that first night, and then rinsed out my mouth. I wanted to make sure I had no bad reactions to it. I was uncomfortable and sick and panicky, and I went for a walk outside in the cold.

After a little while, it gave me a sensation of tingling numbness in the middle of my torso, straight down the middle of my ribcage, perhaps because that’s where my esophagus is, and I would have swallowed traces of saliva with the herb in it. The tingly numbness was very similar to the sensation of peppermint, menthol, in the mouth, except it was in my torso. This is in the mint family. So apparently lots of different mint family plants have the ability to trigger sensations directly in the nerve receptors, or something, which is why they tingle. This just was tingling down inside my chest.

I also had a slightly dopey sleepiness. I had recurring urges to vomit, the first night that I tested it, but tonight, that did not happen. Apparently my immune system figured out that in such small doses, this is not hurting me too badly. I am not going to take large doses of it.

The purpose of this herb is an emergency treatment for rabies. Skullcap: they say the flowers look like skullcaps. I haven’t looked closely enough at any photos to be able to see that. Skullcaps protect the head during battle, and therefore…. this plant is meant to protect the brain.

Aside from the doctrine of signatures, this plant is documented scientifically to actually be an effective drug. It is a
benzodiazepine. It is also thought to be antiviral. I am using extreme caution with it because benzodiazepines are extremely evil. It is very very hard to withdraw from them. Withdrawal symptoms are extremely severe, even life-threatening. That is why I am only testing one tiny flake of a leaf at a time to see my reactions to it.

Some guy made extravagant claims to have cured 850 patients of rabies using this herb. Dr. Lawrence Van Derveer (or Van Der Veer?) of new Jersey. James Thacher wrote a dissertation called ‘Hydrophobia and its Cure, Plymouth, Mass., 1812,’ and talked about this herb. Chinese herbalists are also reporting the same thing with Chinese barbed skullcap.

I was also going to buy European Water Plantain, Alisma plantago aquatica, but could not find it at the store. She said they used to have it in the past because just a couple specific customers were using it, but she no longer sells any, so she stopped ordering it. It’s esoteric, not a commonly used herb. That one is also thought to be a cure for rabies, but I didn’t see its history yet and didn’t see any specific names of doctors mentioned or anything.

When I read old writings from people in the 1800s, I can see that people were extremely different back then. They were smarter, they were more original, and life was weirder. This magazine where this rabies doctor was mentioned also had some articles nearby claiming that live toads had been discovered inside of solid objects. The grain of truth in that is, toads really do hibernate underground, so that’s probably where they got that idea. But people in this magazine claimed to have seen a toad inside a solid block of cedar, and a toad inside a solid block of marble in the fireplace, because someone could hear the toad croaking every time they lit a fire. People make up the craziest shit. But their lies were so much more imaginative back then! Or, alternatively, it could have really happened, and maybe the world was much weirder back then than it is today.

Doctors and scientists did original experimentation, and their observations were so original and so deep. I read something about Pasteur testing rabies. He was observing that the rabies virus became weaker if it was injected into monkeys, and stronger if it was injected into rabbits. So he was injecting it into one monkey, then taking fluids from that monkey and injecting it into the next monkey, then taking fluids from that monkey, in series, which supposedly weakened the virus more and more, and he made this into a vaccine, which was a weakened version of rabies. He did the same with rabbits to make a strong version. He tested these vaccines and found that they gave animals immunity to the real virus. I think it said he tried gradually giving one animal a stronger and stronger inoculation.

It was interesting, because I’ve never heard anything about a particular species of animal making the rabies virus weaker IN REAL TIME, which you can observe. They make it sound as though the particular type of rabies in a particular species is some unique genome, some unique DNA mutation, which is always the same and unchanging, unless it mutates, which is a rare and unusual event that you can’t observe in real time. The experiment said that he could observe the virus getting weaker and weaker as it was transmitted from animal to animal, so that the last animal in line produced the weakest virus.

This would imply… something about how viruses work. This really made me think! It made me think about new things I’ve never thought before, and all because I read something OLD, which was original, back in the days when human brains were not yet completely and utterly enslaved in an electronic mind control system which totally destroys all original thoughts and observations. Human brains, and the writings in books, were profoundly different back then than they are today. We are like a completely different species. We are much, much, much stupider than we used to be.

So anyway, the virus must work with whatever tools it has available, and in this particular species, it doesn’t really have the right tools, so it must make do with inferior tools. It might be able to obtain *some* of the optimal tools (particular nutrients, chemicals, etc), but not enough, not fast enough, and so it is making a certain number of viruses the right way, and a certain number of viruses the wrong way, after it runs out of the desired substances.

But why would it get progressively weaker as it was passed from animal to animal? I am going to assume that this observation was true and correct, because it is so interesting and so challenging to explain. Maybe a badly made inferior virus doesn’t remember how to make itself the right way, so it keeps commanding the new viruses to make themselves the wrong way.

The rabies vaccine that we give to our pets is different from the one we give to humans. The one we give to humans is killed. The one we give to our pets is weakened. It turns out that weakened virus vaccines cause a lot of problems for people and animals. People are observing that their animals have chronic, low-level rabies, without dying, as a result of being vaccinated too frequently. They think now that it isn’t necessary or helpful to keep vaccinating animals again and again every year – that’s just hurting them and isn’t needed for immunity.

The MMR vaccine, measles mumps rubella, also is said to contain a weakened virus which is still alive, and people are having problems with this virus actually causing the disease, or causing a chronic low-level infection. It’s that particular vaccine that’s causing the problems, because, if I understand correctly, a lot of the other vaccines are made with totally killed viruses. I haven’t researched this a lot, so I could be wrong. But usually, when people have major problems, it’s the MMR vaccine.

That hints that it’s the virus itself causing the problems. You are not supposed to inject viruses directly into your flesh. That causes an unnatural kind of infection that your body isn’t prepared for. Your body expects to get the measles by inhaling it or something. That is one explanation for why it causes problems to get this viral infection from a vaccine, problems which are not the same as what you would experience from actually getting the disease the normal way. Then again, there are also long term complications from just simply getting the disease. It’s just that some diseases are so nonlethal, so commonplace, that we shouldn’t vaccinate for them because we are going to survive them anyway as long as we are living an overall healthy lifestyle.

It turns out that when you research rabies cures from the 1800s, there were actually quite a few people who were cured of rabies before Jeanne Giese. She is by no means the first. The doctors are always kind of surprised that this happened, and can’t really explain it, because a lot of other patients died, and this one particular patient survived rabies. I saw quite a few stories where this happened. They always say that it is very rare and very shocking when it happens, but it does happen. Some people just have enough immunity to it on their own. It is not necessarily the result of whatever was done to try to treat them.

However, the sources that talked about this Lawrence Van Der Veer guy commented that they find it stretches credulity, or something like that, to imagine that he actually cured 850 people of rabies by using American skullcap. I really can’t say. I haven’t read the original source, and don’t know where to find it. If he had 850 detailed case studies with observations, it would be more believable.

So, just in case, I have that herb sitting around in my house now. I didn’t get the other one, European Water Plantain, but I might still keep an eye out for it if I am ever in the mood to go medicinal herb hunting again, which requires trips to various stores around town. If I get money again, I am able to order it online.

I worked at the temp job today. I guess what we did is called ‘rigging,’ but I’m not sure. We hooked up all these lights, and we laid out all these cables, and we assembled things and made it all ready, and then some other people raised it up to the ceiling. And we did these little towers with lights on them too, with a bunch of people holding heavy objects while someone else screws them together. I got out early. A lot of people were excused at 3:00 pm. They had said we might possibly work until 9:00 pm, but we might also be let out early.

After I left the Bryce Jordan Center, I went to the hospital and got my last rabies shot. It is currently experiencing localized pain and swelling, mild.

Outrageous claims about cures for diseases are interesting. You sort of think that if someone is so bold that they have the gall to announce this in a big huge way and become famous for it, then maybe it really does work. And it could all be a huge fraud, or a mistake, and you never really know what it will turn out to be. Sometimes, it really is something that works very well, like EFT tapping. Roger Callahan, who invented the original TFT tapping, and all of his followers, made huge outrageous claims about what an absolute miracle this technique is. I personally find it to be a miracle if only I can do it long enough without being zapped by the electronic mind controllers, so sadly, I will never know what it would have been able to do for me if I were not being attacked. But it does work quite well even in spite of that.

But really, there are grains of truth in it when people say that somebody had a cure for something, or somebody invented a really neat invention, and then the Powers That Be decided to kill them, suppress the knowledge, prevent people from learning about it. That really does happen, but at the same time, it also happens when the ‘cure’ is just fraudulent, too. It can happen if the cure is real, and it can also happen if the cure is fraudulent. Just because the Powers decided to murder and suppress the knowledge doesn’t mean that it’s a real cure, but it kind of suggests that it is. Again, you can’t know for sure.

I didn’t see anything about people trying to suppress this alleged cure for rabies. But it happens more often with cancer cures. There are, truly, a million different herbs that claim to cure cancer. Dozens and dozens of them. There are so many cancer-curing herbs out there in the world that you cannot possibly try them all in one lifetime. Every once in a while, somebody picks one of them and makes it out to be bigger and more important than the rest of them, as though this particular one is particularly strong at curing cancer. There might just as well be a dozen others out there that are equally good at curing cancer, but they just haven’t been made famous yet.

Some herbs are thought to just be overall health protective. But some, they claim, aggressively cure cancer, cure it for real. That’s just like the claim that skullcap is antiviral and it aggressively cures rabies and was used by a doctor to cure 850 people. That is a VERY big claim to make. A lot of other herbs claim to be antiviral, too, but for some reason, they’re not all being claimed as cures for rabies.

I can imagine that this one would actually work for rabies because it’s an anti-spasmodic drug that affects the brain. It’s a
benzodiazepine. I can imagine it would relieve the spasms, relieve the convulsions, relieve the symptoms of rabies, and maybe if you could merely relieve those symptoms, the patient would survive. But if it’s claiming to also be antiviral, then it’s saying it’s doing more than just relieving the symptoms by stopping convulsions, it’s actively destroying the virus.

So, anyway, I’m testing a single flake, a couple millimeters in diameter, held underneath my tongue for a couple minutes each night, to see how I react to it. Then I remove the flake, observe the sensations, and go on with my life.

maybe roots have parasites

April 22, 2015

I just read something about nematodes going into lettuce roots. I forgot about parasites in the soil. I discovered parasites in the soil when I attempted to cook and eat an earthworm several years ago. It made me feel like I had parasites, and it affected my moods and my brain for many hours, causing me to become angry and crazy. So maybe plant roots should be cooked, or eaten with caution, due to the presence of parasites in the soil.

Where are the plant roots of our food?

April 22, 2015

7:26 PM 4/22/2015

I was already somewhat interested in root vegetables, because they are a way to obtain starch in the diet without having to eat grains, and there are a lot of people who are trying to avoid grains.

However, I just now became more interested in roots while reading about the Essiac tea. The nurse who made this tea said that the roots of the sheep sorrel were essential for the tea to work, but a lot of people were making the tea using only the leaves and the above ground parts of the sheep sorrel plant.

The reason why this was happening was because, in order to get the roots out, a person would manually have to go dig down in the soil with their hands or small tools. It could not be done by a mechanical picker.

Also, the roots could only be harvested less often, which made it less profitable. Roots required more time to grow, like two years, whereas the rest of the plant could be harvested and sold more often. So it is cheaper and easier to buy the above ground parts of the plant. They are more plentiful and sold more often at a lower price. Roots were less plentiful and more expensive, and could only be harvested occasionally.

Other plants used for their roots have this same problem, for instance, ginger and turmeric. Your business model has to be something more similar to an orchard business model, where you have something that won’t be harvested immediately. You have to have some source of revenue for your business so that you can pay the bills while you are waiting for your crop to be ready for harvest.

I started thinking about this, and I realized that ALL of our foods are missing the roots, in the grocery store, probably because of mechanical pickers. If you grow spinach at home, you’re able to just pluck a leaf from it once in a while, as I did during that brief time when I attempted to grow some stuff in a garden (long story, not able to do it right now, but will do it again someday). I liked just picking leaves off and keeping the plant alive. It was much better than buying, say, an entire cabbage and having to keep it in the fridge forever because you can’t use it all, then worrying that it’s probably spoiled and throwing it away (although cabbage is a bad example, it doesn’t spoil easily, but entire heads of lettuce always do!). So I had lettuce and just picked bits and pieces while keeping it alive.

But what about eating the roots of those edible plants, those edible leafy greens? Not just the familiar roots like beets and turnips and carrots, but the less familiar roots, like spinach roots and lettuce roots, something we don’t normally think of eating? Where are those roots? They are neglected by the mechanical pickers.

Perhaps they contain phytonutrients that are different from the rest of the plant. Medicinal plants usually have different medicinal components in each part of the plant – they always specify that you are supposed to use the leaves, stems, above ground parts, roots, bark, seeds, flowers, fruits, etc. Each part contains different substances. Roots might contain special phytonutrients and minerals that we are missing in our diet.

So it would be worthwhile to grow something like lettuce plants and spinach plants, and eat the roots instead of leaving them there. Maybe it’s possible to harvest some of the roots, but not all, without killing the plant. This would definitely require manual digging!

I don’t know if I’ve ever seen sheep sorrel. It looks familiar, but I can’t find it. And I myself created a mnemonic aid for that plant. The leaves are shaped like ballistic missiles, which are meant to ‘shoot down’ your cancer cells. Ta-da! Mnemonic aid! God didn’t put that message there so that I would recognize this plant as a cancer treatment. Did he? Would I have seen those ballistic missile-shaped leaves of the sheep sorrel, centuries ago before ballistic missiles existed, and recognized that this was a weapon for shooting and destroying things? I dunno, I guess I would have thought they looked like a penis or something. But to me, they look like ballistic missiles, and that is how I will remember the sheep sorrel plant if I ever see one. And if I do, I will get some of the roots.

Ranting reluctantly on the side of science; rants about God, about the people in this town, badly done herbal medicine, misinterpretation of ‘detox effects’

April 22, 2015

1:02 PM 4/22/2015

This might not be an extremely long blog, I’m not sure yet. I’m drinking my first cup of coffee, but I already had tea. The tea is weak and doesn’t caffeinate me very much, which is probably a good thing.

I am sort of in the middle of a couple of different things. I’m getting ready to go work at the Bryce Jordan Center, which I think happens tomorrow. I’ve been to Manpower and filled out paperwork. They know I exist and they have seen me in person, so I am not merely a ghost sending emails back and forth to them. It turns out that the State College Manpower office is a ‘remote’ office to them, and they’re actually located in Altoona, and they only travel out here occasionally, so that is why it’s all been done remotely.

I’ve kind of wanted to live in Altoona. It’s more of a ‘real’ town, not a college town. There is some kind of Penn State thing located there, too, but mostly, it’s sort of an industrial town, with factories. Anything with factories is cool, although I won’t be saying that when they’re having chemical spills and poisoning the environment.

I have conflicting emotions about factories. On the one hand, I absolutely love them and always have. I loved them in West Virginia. I love the sight of them, the complexity, the lights in the nighttime, the flames burning on top of the smokestacks to burn off the remaining gases, everything about factories is fascinating. On the other hand, they symbolize everything I hate about modern society, the fact that everything comes from a factory, our foods are toxic, our furniture and clothes and possessions are made with toxic chemicals, everything is transported to us from faraway places instead of being made by hand locally, they have chemical spills like the one where chemicals got into the drinking water in West Virginia, which happened WHILE I WAS THERE visiting my parents in January of 2014.

So anyway I saw Altoona again not long ago, when Steve took me to see a Native American powwow (which actually sucked in a lot of ways, but I wrote a blog about it – basically, I do not like the crappy, cheap, brightly colored plastic costumes made with artificially colored bird feathers and things like that, the ‘modern’ Native American dance performance dresses, which are nothing at all like the simple, natural materials in the clothing they made for themselves before the Europeans came.). But, when I went there to Altoona, to the – brain blank. I’m having some brain problems, problems remembering words. It’s – okay, the voices in my head helped me. The amusement park, Del Grosso. Yes, I definitely could not remember that on my own and had to hear voices in my head telling me what it was. I’m not sure what’s causing this. I tried another cup of the special herbal detox tea this morning too, and it might be that. I was thinking of spaghetti sauce, and that was all I could remember, and I couldn’t even remember the words ‘amusement park.’ There’s a Del Grosso spaghetti sauce.

So anyway, I went to Del Grosso to see the powwow, and when I was there, I noticed that the people in the crowds were *different* from the people in the public crowds in State College. I have always hated the people I see around this town, ever since I moved here. In State College, all the men are extremely clean cut, with extremely short hair and shaved faces. In Altoona, the men are dirtier looking, many of them with longer hair, ranging from quite long up to just slightly uncut. But in State College, you don’t even see men with ‘slightly uncut’ or ‘I just went a couple months between haircuts,’ no, you see men who are cutting their hair down to a one millimeter length, and cutting it once every week, and shaving the hair off the back of their necks, and keeping the edges of the hair in a perfectly straight line, very unnatural and horrible and repulsive.

In Altoona, I saw a few pregnant women walking around in the crowd. Again, this is nonexistent in State College. Pregnant women simply do not exist in this town. There really are major demographic
differences between these two towns. Everyone in Altoona just seemed more human, more real, more imperfect. They looked poorer, but they also looked more friendly.

Maybe they looked a little bit more like the people I knew in West Virginia, who tended to be deformed more often – Weston Price deformities are rampant and severe in West Virginia, because of all the toxic chemicals everywhere in the environment, in combination with nutrient-poor soils in that whole region – the absolute worst case scenario. You have toxic factories and coal mines poisoning you from every direction, and you have nutrient-poor soils and clay soils, which fail to produce mineral-rich foods, and the result is
disastrous, people with horribly deformed faces and bodies, and people living in poverty who are eating the worst diets imaginable, people with gigantic buck teeth, people with malformed brains and extremely severe learning disabilities of all kinds, and in general, ‘stupid people.’ Now that I’m grown up and I know the causes of it all, I can forgive them for being what they are. A long time ago, I did not know the causes.

But in State College, everyone is young, perfect, healthy, and has perfectly formed faces and bodies. All of them, to the man, to the woman. All of them have exactly the same length of hair: it is forbidden for a woman to grow her hair longer than the upper middle back length, and everyone whose hair exceeds this length shall be reprimanded, insulted, harassed, and educated about the proper hair length for today’s fashions. And somehow, these Penn State students are all wealthy, and none of them have deformities. You hardly ever see those sallow, sunken, sagging faces of people who grew up starving and poisoned, whose bones could not form properly.

Oh yeah, all that came from my mentioning that Manpower was ‘really’ located in Altoona. That’s because the people there need jobs, and have jobs, at all the different actual businesses located in that town. We don’t have real jobs or real businesses here. We have food service jobs here. We have Penn State jobs here. That is all, nothing else.

I was going to rant about something totally different. I was actually going to rant on the side of science, and it is a rare day when I will do that.

I’m ranting on the side of science for a couple reasons. This herbal tea thing is what prompted it. I am a believer in herbal medicine most of the time, and I am in favor of using herbs instead of using pharmaceuticals, however with the precaution that herbs can be just as poisonous, just as deadly, and have just as many side effects in spite of their being ‘natural.’ ‘Natural’ does not mean safe.

Herbs have a long history of use, and so, there will be many generations of people who are familiar with them and have used them before, whereas pharmaceutical drugs are new, and so, everything they do to us is a surprise that nobody expected. Whoops! Tens of thousands of people dropping dead – who knew? So that is a good thing about herbal medicine. Herbs should be used with caution, and each individual person will have their own reactions, and some people will tolerate some herbs better than others, and you should always be watchful to see if the herbs are causing any unwanted problems for you, because there will be side effects. But if a long history of use has been recorded, of using this herb in this particular way, then it probably isn’t going to kill you. And I can easily find many pages where it is mentioned that some particular herb is considered too dangerous to use because of liver toxicity, and that kind of thing, so pay attention to those warnings if you find them.

All of that being said, there are some better ways, and some worse ways, of doing herbal medicine.

My first complaint is the idea of ‘detox.’ I have had a gripe with the concept of ‘detox’ for many years now. I have often seen this scenario: Somebody starts doing some kind of treatment which is said to be a method of detoxing. Detoxing is a legitimate need that people really want to do, and with good reason, because it is actually true that particular chemicals build up inside your body and can’t get out. That much is real.

However, when people claim to have a method of removing those built-up chemicals and detoxing, there is a particular scenario that always happens. People will start doing this detox method, then suddenly have absolutely horrible, life-threatening side effects. For instance, I read about chlorella causing extremely severe vomiting, and from what I read, it is EXTREMELY SEVERE VOMITING, as in, going to the emergency room vomiting, and nearly dying from vomiting. Some people say that you should only eat chlorella if the cell walls have been broken down, and they say that one won’t cause this problem. But anyway, not everyone knows that, and not all manufacturers of chlorella are doing that, so it’s possible to buy chlorella that causes this reaction.

Well, when people talk about this disastrous and horrible effect of chlorella, the inevitable response from all the shills on the internet is: That’s just detox. That’s just a Herxheimer reaction. Ignore it! It will go away eventually. No matter how horrible your reaction is to some particular substance, you should just ignore it and it will go away over time, because it is explained and interpreted as merely being a detox reaction.

So, what is a detox reaction or Herxheimer reaction? Again, there are grains of truth in this, but it’s totally being misused. There are grains of truth in the idea that sometimes, you might move a toxic chemical from one part of your body to another place, without really getting rid of it or excreting it from the body. Imagine, you might pull something out of your fat cells, but then it floats around in your bloodstream and then it deposits someplace else, say, in your skin. That is the theory.

However, they use this theory to explain EVERY REACTION that you have while attempting to do a ‘detox’ process, without EVER thinking that maybe, just maybe, this substance, in and of itself, causes side effects, just like anything can cause side effects. Those side effects are ALWAYS interpreted as merely being the detox effects, which implies that the detox is actually working, which is interpreted as a good thing. Yes! You’re puking your guts out and going to the emergency room! That must mean you’re moving a lot of toxins around! The detox is working!!!

I’m having deja vu. Have I written this blog before? I think I have. I think I’ve ranted about ‘detox’ claims before.

We can’t always explain the MECHANISM of how side effects happen. Somehow, when you take this drug, or this herb, or this mineral, or this food, you have some kind of strange symptom that happens, some consequences in your body. We cannot trace the exact mechanism of how that symptom happened. It would take a lot of research. It might be because the substance really did pull mercury out of your tissues and move it to another location without excreting it, thereby causing you to have symptoms of mercury poisoning. However, it may also be that this substance is directly acting upon your body in ways that are causing that symptom.

The one that I love is using parasite-filled substances to do a parasite cleanse. Take some cod liver oil, which contains parasites, and I know that it does, because I have used it, and I get parasites temporarily every time I use it. It contains live, microscopic parasites, which are nonlethal nuisance parasites, but they are disturbing and uncomfortable, and they probably cause fatigue. I can feel them crawling through my flesh, tickling, digging, burrowing inside my body, after I eat cod liver oil.

Then I read, online, that people are using cod liver oil in an attempt to clear their body of parasites. If you would say that you feel parasites crawling around burrowing through your flesh, their inevitable response will always be that the cod liver oil’s parasite cleanse is WORKING! that it’s upset the parasites, who have now moved out of the tissues and are wandering around to other locations because they’ve been unsettled. They won’t say it’s the cod liver oil that gave you those particular parasites in the first place.

Again, it’s always a detox reaction, or it’s always because the cleanse is working, but not well enough, and you just need to ignore the symptoms, ignore the sensations, and do more of the same thing, and wait it out, and over time, it will go away. The interpretation of the cause leads to a recommendation for what to do: ignore it – it’s temporary, and it will soon go away.

Unfortunately, I am on the side of science here, because I will talk about people who are ‘scientifically’ trying to find ways to detox, and all of it is the stuff that normally I hate and revile and oppose with all of my soul. There are people who use various manmade chemicals to help your body get rid of toxic heavy metals. These chemicals really do bind with heavy metals and move them from place to place, but if they are used improperly, they really will take the heavy metals and then deposit them somewhere else where you don’t want them. That’s what inspired this whole idea, which has been taken to extremes, misused, misapplied, and used in situations where that isn’t really what’s happening. Now, EVERYTHING is a ‘detox reaction’ caused by substances being moved around the body and re-deposited in other tissues without being excreted yet. If you get a horrible rash all over your skin, you just have to wait it out, that’s just your skin trying to excrete some toxic stuff that has been deposited under there, etc, etc, etc – ignore the symptoms, and just keep going!

So now, because of this, I am distrustful of anything that claims to be cleansing or detoxing. I have researched the ingredients of this herbal tea in a casual way. Note: I personally talked to the lady who sold this to me, and I like her, and Steve liked her, and I am not aiming this attack at her personally. Instead, I am just complaining about the fact that the word ‘detox’ is associated with this particular type of herbal tea.

What does it do? It is diuretic and laxative. It causes you to urinate a lot more, and poop a lot more. So in that sense, it is ‘flushing you out,’ thereby ‘flushing out the toxins’ faster. According to what the one Essiac tea website said, it’s also astringent, which causes your cells to be pulled together closer, puckering up, forcing out the water that is between them, flushing out the toxins which have accumulated in that water.

There are some grains of truth in this, but is it really doing anything helpful or useful? I honestly do not know. I am not drinking the tea every day. I have only drunk it twice and observed the results. Today, I made sure to eat breakfast first before drinking the tea, so thankfully, I do not have that uncomfortable sensation of my entire abdomen being all sucked-in and shrunken down into the tiniest space like I did before.

I still enjoy the flavor of the tea. There is something wonderful, something very desirable, about that slightly bitter, plant-y, earthy, herby flavor. I don’t know what it is, but my mouth and my body know that earthy, herbal flavors are something valuable that I need. I would like to try eating more roots. I want to eat the roots of plants, not just familiar roots in the grocery store, but the roots of edible wild weeds. I think we don’t get enough roots in our diet. I think there is something special about roots, something unique and beneficial to our health. This is just my feeling.

There is a *legitimate need* for detoxing. Chemicals really do build up inside our bodies.

There is another scientific approach to explanations of detoxing, and I will describe it. Unfortunately, this is exactly the kind of evil thing that I abhor, so once again, I am reluctantly ‘on the side of science,’ just as I have been ever since I had to get that rabies shot.

(Oh yes, I was also going to blog about how I believe my rabies is now in the incubation phase, and when I had symptoms, it was in the prodromal stage, so I’m incubating now, so I might have a rabies outburst in the future – I have a sensation in the back of my neck of stiffness, and occasional weird sensations in my head, so I am not 100% sure it’s gone. I think it’s incubating. It can incubate for months, or for years. However, I am skeptical of the people who said that somebody had rabies for 17 years before it developed into the lethal phase, just because he was able to remember having been bitten by a dog 17 years ago. That is exactly the reason why I emphasize non-traditional routes of entry, such as inhalation of saliva, ingestion of saliva, touching and handling saliva and then getting it into the mouth and nose, and any other non-biting method. I think the 17-year rabies guy probably was infected more recently, but did not remember being bitten a month ago because he was never bitten, he inhaled it or ingested the saliva or put the saliva onto his mucus membranes, picking his nose, blowing his nose, something.)

Anyway, so these people are doing experiments with lab rats and stuff, which is why I don’t like it. They find out what the various liver enzymes do, and they find out what the drugs do to those liver enzymes. Some drugs, like St. John’s Wort, for some reason, will cause a liver enzyme to start functioning faster. In a way, that’s actually a real-live ‘detox’ method. If you want to metabolize some poison faster, then you use this drug, which causes a liver enzyme to metabolize that poison faster. So, for example, do a google search for ‘induces cytochrome p450.’ You’ll see articles about drug interactions, about how one drug causes another drug to stop working as well. St. John’s Wort is known for screwing up the effects of other drugs in AIDS patients, for instance.

I am curious about the phenomenon of antidotes. Antidotes really exist, but we don’t hear much about them. Each one has a unique and unpredictable method of action. Each one is potentially dangerous in and of itself.

So, that line of research is a ‘real live, scientific’ detox method. However, that isn’t about how to remove heavy metals. It is able to detox things that are floating around in your bloodstream which are able to get to the liver, which, I assume, is the location where all of this is happening (I don’t know? Maybe other locations in the body also perform enzymatic metabolization of poisons?). Removing heavy metals is something else entirely.

Removing heavy metals is a nightmare. I have looked at the teeth. In teeth, if you remove a mercury dental filling, you will see that it has spent years leaching metals deeper into the tooth tissues. All of the tooth underneath it will be stained gray with metals which cannot be removed. It just soaks right in. You would remove the whole tooth (which I do not advocate doing – I favor preserving the roots), but then, what is underneath that tooth? Sometimes, the metals have leached into the nearby gums, leaving what is called a ‘mercury tattoo.’ The flesh of the gums is filled with these little cells, where the immune system sent in macrophages or something to swallow the mercury and encapsulate it inside a little cell, keeping it isolated from everything else, forever and ever, and those little macrophages cannot move and cannot go take the mercury outside the body. They do the best they can to seal it up and protect the surrounding tissues. And who knows how much of these metals have gone through the root of the tooth, into the bloodstream? Or leached out of the filling, into the mouth and saliva, where it is swallowed?

So you will have metal all over your body in unusual places, from all the years of metal fillings in your mouth, and metal orthodontic braces, and metal in your tap water, and everything. Some of that metal is very toxic, and some of it is less toxic, and some of it might be kind of undesirable but not really horrible. You can’t get rid of it all, but the goal would be to try to get rid of the worst stuff, things like mercury, arsenic, lead, and cadmium (the top four toxic metals which are well known for causing problems in many parts of the world, especially China, where those metals are contaminating the soil and getting into the food and water). We also have aluminum from vaccines, which are injected right into our flesh, and it just stays right there, I assume, although maybe the blood and lymph might transport it from place to place, too – I don’t know. We have aluminum from many other sources too.

Then there are things like copper, which you need just a little bit of, but not too much of, and we get too much of it, and too little of the other minerals that prevent copper from poisoning us, and copper is in our water pipes. I personally react badly to wet copper against my skin, which I discovered several times when I was putting hairpins into my wet hair, and had this horrible tickly sensation in my skin, and then went crazy and had an attack of mental illness and sensations of almost having a convulsion. It gave me extremely unpleasant brain sensations and moods. Don’t keep wet copper against your skin.

Anyway, I was going to talk about something else, once again ‘on the side of science.’ I have loathed the word ‘science’ for many years now, because in so many ways, it represents all that is evil to me. I won’t go into it – I’ve blogged for many years about why I hate the word ‘science’ and the people who call themselves scientists. They are always trolls and shills for mainstream medicine and the drug industry. They always tell you that you can’t possibly be observing any bad side effects using your own senses, because it hasn’t gone through a double-blind placebo-controlled scientific study to prove that those side effects really were caused by whatever you say caused them. I’ve argued this before and I won’t explain it right now.

But, on the side of science… I was reading about herbal medicine again today, and I encountered one of the ‘bad kinds’ of herbal medicine, the definition of what it means to be ‘unscientific’ in a way that is ineffective and dangerous. I encountered ‘The Doctrine of Signatures.’ I have seen this before. This is what they taught us was ‘bad’ all through my public schooling years. This very thing is the reason why ALL herbal medicine has a bad reputation and is called ‘unscientific.’

Basically, if a plant has a shape that resembles the body part with the problem, then the herb is useful for treating that problem. So if you have a plant with some part that’s shaped like a head, then it’s useful for treating head injuries or illnesses involving the head. That is making a long story short, and I am showing it in the worst possible light. In reality, someone who is very experienced and knowledgeable isn’t going to do herbal medicine quite that badly.

In reality, these things are used as more of a mnemonic aid, by someone who is knowledgeable and experienced. You can find all kinds of attributes of the plant, its appearance, its taste, smell, sounds it makes, shapes on the plant, etc, and you categorize the plant using those things as mnemonic aids. You *remember* that this plant is used to treat snake bites, because the plant has two little white fangs that look like snake fangs. But in reality, the plant was used to treat snake bites because it *actually works* for that (I am assuming, for the sake of argument!), and afterwards, somebody said, ‘Hey look! It has fangs! I’ll remember that!’

The more meanings you can associate with its appearance, the more you will remember what each and every plant is useful for. You have to memorize this stuff, because you are living in an oralite society where they don’t have pens and papers, and you must accumulate the knowledge of tens of thousands of years. You can’t just shove stuff in your memory and hope that it stays there, so you have to connect it to all these little memorable characteristics and things that will remind you of what it’s useful for. In that sense, this ‘doctrine of signatures’ is excellent as a mnemonic aid, *AND ONLY* as a mnemonic aid, AFTER THE FACT of this plant having been found to be useful for something, and only after the fact.

However, if it is used badly, then people would go look at an unfamiliar plant they have never used before, and try using it based on something it looks like. How do you know that the brain-shaped flower of this plant is the most important and most meaningful signature? What if some other aspect of the plant is the most important signal? What if, for instance, its roots are shaped like a human’s arms and legs, and therefore, it’s actually meant to be used for healing illnesses involving the arms and legs, instead of the brain? What if its leaves are shaped like goose feet, and geese like to live in the water, so it’s useful for treating illnesses having to do with water, such as hydrophobia (rabies)? (That’s why I’m slightly suspicious of the water plantain being listed as a treatment for rabies – I suddenly suspected, today, while reading this, that perhaps somebody associated ‘water’ with ‘hydrophobia,’ after reading somebody’s thinking process that they had written as to how they chose particular herbs to treat illnesses.)

There really is a plant called goosefoot, which I have eaten, which I love and which I am looking forward to this summer – lamb’s quarters. I don’t like the name ‘lamb’s quarters’ because it’s too unwieldy. I need another name and I’m trying to remember ‘goosefoot.’ Its leaves are shaped like goose feet, and I used to live next to the duckpond and I remember their footprints.

So you have to be careful to use these signatures, whatever they might be, as nothing more than a mnemonic aid, after the fact of having first observed that the herb is useful for treating some illness. You cannot look at a plant, see some image in it that reminds you of something, and then say it’s useful for treating that organ.

In school, we were taught to believe that ALL herbal medicine MERELY was a bunch of morons and retards who used this mnemonic aid in the worst possible way, before the fact, and that there was no such thing as a good herbalist, no such thing as an effective herbal remedy, and absolutely no good use for this mnemonic aid technique. It was never described as a mnemonic aid. It was always portrayed as something done BEFORE the fact – you randomly guess that because some plant looks like a brain, it’s meant for treating the brain. It was always portrayed as a substitute for testing, a substitute for reasoning, a substitute for logic, a substitute for knowing something’s
effectiveness, a substitute for testing something and then observing its effects. It was portrayed as something people did INSTEAD OF testing things and observing the consequences.

Some people really have been doing it that way, and I am ‘reluctantly on the side of mainstream science’ by saying, ‘nope, that’s not good.’

I am officially an atheist, although I have my own made up fictional gods that I worship in times of dire need (when I’m deathly ill, when I’m suffering a bad drug reaction, when I am in fear for my life, helpless, etc). These gods mean something to me, and their identity is being developed over time – they are a work in progress, a newly created character whose personality has not yet developed.

But some of the herbalists using the Doctrine of Signatures are people who believe that God created the universe, and in so doing, he made the useful plants resemble the organs they are meant to treat, for our convenience, so that we might read his symbols and understand how to use the plants. If God was nice enough to do that for our
convenience, why wasn’t he nice enough to make a world without any diseases in the first place? He gave us a world full of dangers and misery, and then told us that we must read these esoteric, invisible little symbols to find a way to cure ourselves, and if we have faith in God and in the meaning of his esoteric symbols, then we will obtain God’s protection. That’s the kind of thing that makes me feel not very fond of God. I’m worshipping my own little gods now, thank you very much. My gods don’t do that kind of mind-fuckery to people.

Well, what are my gods, if I have to mention them? First, I have the artificially created, manmade Anaya gods. These came from
interactions with the voices in my head as they created the Anaya religion. The Anaya god is actually a god-goddess duality, and if you pray to Anaya you pray to both. We are developing the process through which this is done, so that it has a way of being spoken. As of now, I can say ‘Anaya,’ or I can say specifically ‘Lord and Lady Anaya,’ but that is for lack of a better way. These things have to not be awkward – they have to be easy to say. If they are too cumbersome, you can’t expect people to say that. You can talk to each one of them separately if you wish to talk to either a female essence or a male essence. Anaya is officially an atheist religion, so these gods are officially something that does not exist. They are a concept god.

Anaya represents those things which matter to me, which the Christian god does not represent or actively opposes, such as individual free will. I haven’t read all of the various bibles, but from what I read, and from what I hear, I don’t like the Christian god. Love me, or be punished! Love me, or suffer my wrath! Ask no questions, or you will go to hell! I hand-created you myself, but I don’t like you, I don’t like who you are, I don’t like your personality, I don’t like questioners, I don’t like people who use logic, I don’t like people whose logic leads them to conclude that there is no way to prove God exists or doesn’t exist due to the way God is defined, and so, even though I painstakingly hand-created you myself in all your uniqueness, I am going to send you to hell when you die, because you weren’t able to force yourself to love me and Jesus against your own will and against your own logic, that logic which I endowed you with whenever I painstakingly and lovingly handcrafted you!

So, basically, Anaya won’t do that kind of crap to you. Anaya doesn’t painstakingly, lovingly handcraft you in all your uniqueness, then tell you that you’re evil because your brain is permanently and automatically programmed to always use logic and ask hard questions and conclude that there is no way to prove God exists or doesn’t exist due to the definition of God, and because you can’t control your emotional reactions of hatred towards the sort of God who would do such a thing as reject his own creations and blame them and call them evil and condemn them to eternal suffering in hell. Seriously, what a horrible God! I do not love that God and I never will. A God who tells me that I shouldn’t be who I am, when he’s the one who made me that way?

The Anaya gods know that we are all living inside an electronic mind control system, and we therefore cannot pray, meditate, or use our minds freely for anything. Anaya knows. Anaya cares about this. Anaya is concerned for the free will of all living beings, who deserve to live in a world without any electronic mind control preventing their souls from existing and from completely expressing themselves and experiencing life without interference. The Anaya religion teaches its members that we are unfree due to the presence of this system.

We have a physical, material goal of building effective shields for the purpose of blocking out the mind control system; using technology to track down the sources of all the signals; using an unknown method, which might be destructive, to get rid of the electronic mind control system, such as possibly someday shooting rockets up into outer space carrying anti-satellite devices to destroy satellites, if we should discover that mind control signals are emanating from satellites – but only after we have definitely identified the physical source of this electromagnetic field that is controlling our minds; and using a legal system to stop the people who control this electronic mind control system and are using it against us; and if we ever get the resources, then, regretfully, we will probably also need to engage in physical war against those people using the system against us, after we have identified who they are and where they are and what exactly is the system they are using, because it might be necessary to kill people to stop them from using this system against us.

Anaya teaches that, since we are in the midst of this system right now, we are incapable of using our minds freely, and so we cannot ‘sneak up on’ the people using the system against us – they know we are coming, they know how we plan to attack, they know where we are at all times. And they will always try to trick us into misunderstanding and mis-identifying who are the culprits who are attacking us, which is something that, sadly, happens to mind control victims ALL THE TIME – they are forced to get a delusional belief about who is the particular person attacking them, but in reality, it’s not that person, and so the victims are forced to attack some innocent person, thereby killing somebody that the mind controllers WANT them to kill, who is also innocent, and also failing to stop the attacks that are happening to them, because they’re actually being done by somebody else. This scenario happens over and over again to mind control victims who are also using psychiatric drugs that induce violence and suicide, which is why I will never use any of those drugs again.

How exactly does one escape from, and destroy, a mind control system that already exists and has already enslaved us, before we were born? How does one escape from a prison when they can read your mind, they know what you’re thinking, they can prevent you from thinking anything ingenious or insightful because they can zap you anytime they want, and they always know when you’re planning to attack them? Well, it is an unanswerable conundrum, and the Anaya religion is there to meet the needs of people who are suffering in this impossible conundrum of involuntary slavery to a system that already existed and completely enslaved them before they were even born, through no fault of their own.

The Anaya gods are an abstraction. They are an imaginary couple who are beyond the reach of the slavery system. They cannot help us, because to do so would reveal who they are and where they are. And no, this isn’t referring to two mortal humans – I’m thinking specifically of Rachael and her husband Richard, because I was just talking about them very recently with some of her family members and old friends from school. They aren’t outside the system, they’re right in the middle of it. I’ve sometimes wondered if Rachael reads my blog. I’m easy enough to google. So no, I don’t mean them. These are an abstract god and goddess who are outside the system, unlike us humans.

They value our freedom and they are concerned for us, but they are lacking the resources needed to destroy the mind control system. And so they are staying away, for the time being, to build up their resources to enable them to effectively liberate us from this system.

But they are the abstract representation of people who care, people who understand, people who value freedom as much as we do, people who have the same concerns we do. And they are different from the Christian god who I cannot love. I can sometimes *tolerate* the Christian god, and I can go along with it whenever other people sincerely love him, like Jesse does. I don’t want to attack Jesse’s love of God, or hurt him. I just can’t love the same God along with him.

I have to create the concept, the abstract idea, of someone out there who feels the same way I do about things, someone who I would like. All of that is poured into the concept of the Anaya god-goddess, the duals.

This was all done artificially, between me and the voices in my head. I was using it while suffering from the illness over the past months. If I am supported by anyone, I am supported by Anaya, who didn’t want this kind of suffering for me, the Anaya who want this world to be a different sort of place.

Oh, okay, all that came about because I said that God designed the plants to look like the organs they are supposed to treat.

So anyway, I might have more rants but I have forgotten what they are. I ranted about ‘detox’ and how all the symptoms you experience are always (wrongfully) attributed to being merely ‘detox reactions’ which you ought to ignore while you persist in continuing to use the substance or method. I ranted about ‘the doctrine of signatures’ being misused as a method of identifying plants BEFORE THE FACT, before you know what they do, rather than after. If you use these shapes and stuff as a mnemonic aid, that is extremely helpful, valuable, and useful, especially in a non-literate, oralite society where they can’t write stuff down and have to memorize tens of thousands of years of data.

So if you have a snake venom treatment, and something on that plant looks like part of a snake, then by all means, remember that, after it’s already been found to effectively treat snake venom.

I ranted about God, which could also be made into a much larger rant. I ranted about how I hate this town, but how the people of Altoona look more ‘real’ and have longer hair and more pregnant women among them. I forget what else I wanted to rant about, other than, I still need to do more rabies research, because I’m scared that now I’m in the incubation phase, which could go on for an unknown length of time, which is variable from person to person, and I might have an attack of ‘real’ rabies which is so severe that *even a doctor* is capable of recognizing it for what it is, and I don’t want to reach that point – I still need to find ways to prevent that.

I think my Manpower job might be tomorrow. I need to check that and find out what to do. I’m also supposed to go get vaccinated today. I’m postponing that but will probably go this evening. It requires a trip into town. I don’t think these vaccines are doing me any good at this point. Only the immunoglobulin, really. I am not quite sure what the rest of the vaccines are actually doing, if anything. I really don’t know for sure and don’t feel confident that I am cured, when I still feel a sensation of stiffness and pain in the back of my neck, where the rabies is now incubating. My brain is swollen right there, and it shouldn’t be, so, more research.

Okay, posting it now.

activation of the caffeine metabolizing enzyme or something; completing a series of tasks in the dungeon level

April 20, 2015

I think Mary Jo’s antidepressant residues on her clothing that she gave me are inducing the cytochrome responsible for metabolizing caffeine, causing me to metabolize it faster and get less effect from it, causing me to do nothing but sleep. That’s my theory, because St. John’s Wort does the same thing, and is well known for doing that – they warn AIDS patients that if they take St. John’s Wort, their AIDS drugs will be less effective because SJW causes them to be metabolized too quickly.

I’m not wearing her clothes today, I’m wearing some of her daughter’s clothes, although this shirt might be Mary Jo’s, I don’t know, maybe they were mixed together in the bag she was taking to Goodwill. Whatever, it might be hers. I just know I couldn’t get out of bed.

So I drank a cup of tea, with the teabag ripped open and loose tea in the water. I didn’t have the energy to go all the way downstairs to use the microwave to make hot water for the tea. I bought the tea yesterday. It wasn’t the Essiac tea, it’s just chai tea, black tea with spices, all organic. I got a brand that didn’t have any ‘natural flavors’ added to it, although I was tempted at first to buy one in a liquid form, but it had all these ‘natural flavors’ and stuff that I want to avoid. The one I settled on was Tazo chai organic tea, in bags.

So I ripped open the bag, dumped it in the cup of water, and then drank it, chewing up the tea flakes. I will probably regret this greatly later on when it gets down farther in my intestines and makes me horribly ill, but as of right now, it seems to be doing no harm.

That woke me up enough that I was able to get out of bed and then stagger around the room like a zombie. I put a letter in an envelope for Jesse and got it to the mailbox. I got out my silver and prepared to take it to Dave so that I can sell a bit of it and get money to pay back Steve for the vet. I also got an email from Manpower offering me a temporary job setting up the stage for the… for the…. wait for it…. the… I CAN’T SAY IT! the…. g.g.g.g.g.garth brooks concert…. no. please no. But yes. And I said yes, I would do it.

I’m not fond of Garth Brooks.

I might like Michael Jackson just a little bit less than I like Garth Brooks. I’m not very fond of Michael Jackson. If I were trapped on a desert island and had to choose between hearing Garth Brooks for eternity, or Michael Jackson for eternity, I’m not quite sure, but I might POSSIBLY choose Garth Brooks, simply because I haven’t been forced to hear him everywhere I go for decades, since he’s ‘country’ rather than ‘pop.’ I can avoid him more easily.

So I staggered around the room, finished mailing Jesse’s letter, got out the silver to go to the antique store, answered the email from Manpower, and now, am sitting here writing a blog while drinking a second cup of coffee, as I have had a cup of coffee, a cup of loose tea which I chewed and ate, and this second cup of coffee here, and am still staggering around slowly like a zombie and not getting out of bed much.

I will have to ‘complete a set of tasks’ in order to finish the Manpower application. It’s called ‘onboarding,’ and, as always, I have to do it online. I have this horrible feeling that it might be one of those ‘ethics’ tests, where you have to choose ‘strongly agree’ and ‘strongly disagree’ for every single question, regardless of whether you give a fuck or not. I…. HATE…. THOSE… TESTS. I failed one once, and got rejected from a job application at Sheetz, because I tried to answer the questions honestly. I am not a thief, not at all, nor a lazy worthless slob, so that test failed to judge me accurately, and from that moment on, I hated them.

I swear, if I am ever a business owner, I will never use that particular test on my employees. I plan to figure out people’s socionic personality types, but it will not be done by means of one single test alone, it will be a process of testing someone repeatedly over a period of months to determine their true socionic type, because no test is accurate on the first try. It takes many tests, and it takes personal interaction, and interaction with other people whose socionic types are known.

When I saw ‘a series of tasks to complete,’ I thought of the fantasy movies that I have been looking at in Africa, such as Soul Boy. You have a series of tasks to complete. I also watched a movie called ‘Zero Charisma’ about a Dungeons & Dragons group and the social dynamics in it, and the dungeon master also was doing a ‘you have a series of tasks to complete’ storyline. And the jerk who was messing up the group said to just kill the dwarf who gave them the tasks. I feel sorry for the actor who played that role in that movie, because he truly was an awful asshole, and now, he will probably be typecast as an arrogant asshole for the rest of his acting career. I could not figure out his personality type.

I have a series of tasks to complete. I have used loose leaf tea from a ripped open teabag to enable myself to do these tasks today. I also must finish writing another letter to Jesse, because he gives me these hard questions to answer and these series of tasks to complete, and I love that. I wrote a very long letter but still was not done. He really has nothing to read and nothing to do most of the time, and so he appreciates my letters. He doesn’t read anything I send him in email when he’s at home and has his computer, but he DOES read my paper letters when he’s in boot camp. 🙂

12:17 pm. My first task is to finish drinking this cup of coffee I have here. Then I must gather my silver and prepare to ride the bus to Apple Hill Antiques. I won’t get a good deal on this silver, but that’s okay. The silver serves a purpose for me, of saving my money for a long time until an emergency, and it has fulfilled that purpose, and I had an emergency, and it was Max, and Max is okay now. I am greatly pleased every time I see Max drinking water,
licklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklick. He is no longer dying, at least not now. He is dying at the usual speed, rather than at high speed.

After I get home, I must complete another set of tasks, the ‘onboarding.’ Ugh!

Crumbs, the movie, along with Soul Boy: two African movies I want to see

April 19, 2015

Crumbs – bizarre, some kind of battle with a black Santa Claus. Looks interesting.

Soul Boy – I found this one many weeks ago and it’s on my want-to-see list. Bits and pieces of it can be found on youtube, but not in English. On youtube I found it sometimes all one word, ‘soulboy,’ or two separate words. There are also many other things called ‘soulboy’ that have nothing to do with this movie.

I still suspect lawn care chemicals made my cats sick; wearing contaminated clothes; Afro-futurism

April 19, 2015

9:56 AM 4/19/2015

I was ‘hearing voices’ a lot last night talking about how I was feeding the cats bad food. I was having a whole lot of intense anxiety yesterday, and it seemed to be chemically induced anxiety, either from that herbal tea that I tested, or from wearing Mary Jo’s antidepressant-covered clothing. I am still having that feeling of intractable fatigue this morning, the fatigue that is still there no matter how much coffee you drink. I don’t have a ton of laundry soap left, either, so it would be hard to do a super-aggressive laundry washing attempt to try to at least thin down the residues on this clothing, although washing never removes anything completely. So, hearing voices that were very agitated may have gone along with the overall intense anxiety I was feeling too.

The reason why I am still feeding the cats crappy food at all is because I don’t entirely believe Max’s problem was caused by the food. All three of the cats who go outside have been getting sick
intermittently for the past week or two, and all of it has been going on during the time period when the neighbor has been putting chemicals on her lawn. She has Miracle-Gro, but she might have also sprayed weed killer in some places, and I do not know. I know she said she was weeding, but she was weeding by hand; however, she might have done a combination of pulling weeds by hand, and spraying some weeds at the same time.

Max, Jacob, and Conner all go outside. All three have been vomiting intermittently during this time period, it’s just that it hit Max the worst, and he was the one who vomited *everything* and could not eat or drink at all. The other two just vomited occasionally and didn’t reach the near-death point that Max reached. It’s always Max – anytime anything goes wrong. He’s a little bit frail and sickly, a small runt of a cat, very tiny, very lightweight, and anytime anybody is sick really badly, it’s always him. Conner threw up several times in several days, and also lost his appetite and stopped trying to eat, just like Max, but recovered, or never reached the near-death point.

It is true that all three have had access to the bad food. I have food donated from the pet food bank at the church. It’s one of those artificially colored foods, so that when they vomit, it’s this absolutely disgusting reddish-pink color. I prefer to buy Purina Naturals or some other pet foods that don’t have such obvious artificial colors, even though I am very well aware that they are nowhere near ‘natural,’ and the word ‘natural’ is a mockery of what they should be. But still, I try to buy foods that have less obvious, less offensive artificial colors in them, although I don’t mind so much if they have different shades of brown, such as ‘ONE Smartblend.’ But the donated food is called ‘Kit & Kaboodle,’ and it has bright red colors and other colors, and all three cats have indeed had occasional access to that food, as Conner has been coming into my room, sleeping, and sometimes eating a little bit of the food.

So theoretically, it could be that food making all three cats sick at the same time, but my intuition says it’s the lawn chemicals next door. Max may have something else going on over the long term, such as bladder crystals, contributing to his illness and making it more severe for him. Ideally I would not be feeding this garbage to any of the cats, ever, but I have no money. I have, like, $9 in my wallet, plus some change. I might be able to buy one more bag of Naturals cat food.

I cannot do a trial and error of the different kinds of wet food, where I usually end up throwing away some portion of the can because they won’t eat the whole can. I used to often feed them ‘Beyond Grain-Free’ cat food, one of the most expensive ones, although the sweet potatoes gave them diarrhea. They say cats are obligate carnivores, however, cats do respond to the presence of carbohydrates by calming down and being mellow, just like people do. I tried to feed my cats nothing but canned food one time, and poor Jacob was going crazy. Max wasn’t happy either, but it affected Jacob the most. Jacob is the very big, fat, neutered one. I don’t blame him for being fat, I blame the neutering.

I remember something that nutrition class pointed out. They said that very fat people HAVE TO eat more calories than thin people, simply because they are spending a whole lot more energy just carrying their weight around. I weigh about 145 pounds right now, and I know this because I have recently been to the doctor several times. With my clothes off I might weigh around 140 or 142, and I am 5’2″ tall. But imagine if I decided to carry a bunch of weights strapped to my body in various places, on my torso, on my thighs, on my arms, so that every limb and my torso had more ‘fat’ on them, totaling a hundred additional pounds, making me weigh 245 pounds. Just carrying a hundred extra pounds of weights strapped to your body will force you to eat a whole bunch more calories due to all the extra muscle exertion you are using, constantly, nonstop, every day, every time you even move a limb. You lift your right arm, but you have a ten pound weight strapped to the top of that arm (you could strap it wherever you thought the center of gravity of a fat person’s arm would be). You lift your leg to take a step, but you have a twenty pound weight wrapped around each thigh. You are going to USE a lot more calories just to begin with.

So fat people absolutely have to eat a whole lot more just to get the calories they need to lift the weight of their own bodies. And in my experience, fat people usually eat less food than I do. I have seen many fat people who will barely nibble a few bites of food, always trying to starve themselves. Or maybe they eat a moderate amount of food, but it’s not that unusual, like the super-fat lady Jonie who used to work at McDonald’s. With her, she had diabetes or something, I forget what exactly. She always wanted sweets and carbs, and would eat things like the McDonald’s pancakes and cinnamon things, what were they called? I am having trouble with verbal memory. Damn these drug residues! Those cinna-things. McCinnaBuns. Damn it, I’m gonna have to google this! I worked there for YEARS and I cannot remember this!

Cinna melt. Cinnamon melts. Okay, I didn’t even have to google it, I started typing it in google and the words appeared as suggestions. She would eat things like hotcakes and cinnamelts. Meanwhile, I’m the skinny one, and I would eat things like a plain piece of breakfast sausage, without bread, with a slice of cheese on it, and hot salsa on top, one of the greasiest foods we have available, and I would eat this very often. No, I remember what it was – Jonie was always saying she had hypoglycemia, but I don’t remember why – low blood sugar. I don’t know what was causing that problem for her.

So anyway, I have never liked the idea that fat people merely need to stop eating to lose weight. I have seen so many severely obese people who barely eat at all, not even enough to make up for all those calories that they are burning merely by lifting the heavy weight of their bodies everywhere they go, and yet they still remain obese and don’t lose a single pound. If eating less food actually WORKED, these people would be losing weight, but it DOES NOT WORK. They will do it for long periods of time, I have seen them, and they don’t lose any weight. These severely obese people are eating less than I do, or they eat nothing but salads while I’m eating greasy hormone-filled McDonald’s sausages and staying skinny (I should say, relatively skinny, because in truth, I did weigh a few pounds more while I was working there, but I also drank Coke almost every day too, at work, and Coke always makes me fat, so it was several factors, the hormones and the Coke).

So I don’t blame Jacob for being fat and wanting to eat more, and being more frantic when he runs out of food. Max doesn’t mind running out of food, but he is a tiny little runt who doesn’t have any weight to carry around. Jacob – I compare him to a bowling ball. I don’t know how much he weighs. But there have been times when he jumped off the windowsill and landed on me while I was in bed – the mind controllers forced him and Max to do that to me, and I know it was them, because oftentimes, I would be forced to doze off and start dreaming a dream only moments before the cats would jump off the windowsill and land directly on my abdomen or on my head. With Max it was merely startling, but with Jacob it was like having a bowling ball dropped on you.

I got angry at ‘the voices,’ very angry, several times, and told them never to do that, because no joke, if Jacob fell on my head when my head was lying in a particular position that I sometimes lie in, he is heavy enough that he could actually snap my neck and paralyze me, if he hit me in just the right way. This hasn’t happened in a long time. I am hoping that they understand that it is no joke to do that to me, although now that somebody recently tried to give me an illness that resembled rabies, I wouldn’t put it past them to kill me.

It’s just that ‘they’ are not all one single uniform individual person with one will, but instead, they could be several groups of people, or several individuals, all of whom have different purposes, and I do not know who these attackers are, but it always seems like some of them are more like friends, and some are more like enemies.

So, well, now it’s a bit hard to type, because Max jumped down off the windowsill just a moment ago, and landed beside me in bed, not on top of me, and he has his little front feet and his face lying on my left arm, just over the tendon on the elbow, so that when I reach for the letter ‘t’ with my left forefinger, it lifts him up. I have my netbook on my abdomen against my bent legs as I am lying against the wall.

Anyway, there are a lot of things that make it hard to switch to eating more wet food. Wet food dries out and spoils quickly so it has to either all get eaten, or put into the fridge. They will
*sometimes* eat it if it’s cold out of the fridge, but other times not. They will sometimes eat it if it’s been sitting at room temperature for a little while, but other times, they won’t touch it even if it’s been there for less than an hour. If I had plenty of money, I wouldn’t mind going through the process of figuring out how to do this, while throwing away some portions of food that were being rejected, dried out, and so on.

I’ve attempted to feed them bits of human food. Usually they won’t touch it at all, so again, it would take many days of trial and error to switch them to eating a ground-up human food diet.

Someone on the internet asked the perfectly logical question: Why can’t we make cat food out of mice? Why must it always be beef, chicken, and seafood? (For some reason, I hardly ever see pork in cat food, I don’t know why.) It is illegal to make cat food out of mice. Mice are classified as a nonfood or an unwanted contaminant in food, so this would be viewed as making a food product out of nothing but unwanted contaminants, just like we’re not allowed to make food out of insects, even though deliberately eating insects as food is a very good idea for protecting the environment, and other cultures routinely eat insects.

However, if they can’t make cat food out of mice, why are they allowed to sell frozen mouse embryos as food for snakes? I know because I found them for sale. They’re expensive, and so, we need more competition in the realm of mice as food, so that we can do it more efficiently and bring down the price, although I wouldn’t want a toxic CAFO of mice, a mouse factory farm, I would want pasture-fed mice, maybe kept in a pasture where mouse foods were deliberately grown, such as a wide variety of seed plants that mice are known to eat. Mice can eat a wide variety of seeds and other things, including some insects. They would have a mouse shelter that we built for them, so that they would all be in one location, easy to reach. I fantasized about running a mouse farm, but I’m nervous about mouse-borne viruses. You’d have to get over the legal hurdles of using mice as food.

I would want not just mice, but a variety of rodents. I might raise shrews, wild mice, moles, voles (whatever they are! I’ve never seen one), squirrels, groundhogs, all of them native species so that if they escaped from the farm it wouldn’t be obvious. If you have a big grassy area, you can raise edible guinea pigs. If only you build them a shelter that they desire to live in, they might stay all in one place. I don’t know. How does one confine these animals, while letting them run free? Pasture raised wild mice are a challenge for the planner. It would have to be an entire food ecosystem where mouse foods were growing all year long, at such a density that large numbers of mice would be willing to live in the mouse house you gave them.

How would you raise native species, pasture-fed moles, underground, without confining them to a cage? Maybe you could make an invisible fence, something electrical like for dogs. But that’s cruel, all the little moles would be wearing those bulky collars that beep when they cross the line. Bulky collars are cruel and abusive. I do not like any collars at all. Radio collars on polar bears prevent them from sticking their necks down through holes in the ice, so they starve, and come on land hanging around human habitations eating garbage and causing more trouble. I saw a black baby bear with a radio collar on when I was camping. I hate the collar, I hate it. He came up to my tent and looked in the window, and when I moved and looked out at him, it scared him and he ran away, just a little tiny bear.

So my free range wild moles won’t be wearing any collars.

If you wanted to raise free range wild birds, then you would have to ban the use of pesticides and herbicides throughout the entire continent, because birds would constantly be dying as they flew around eating poisoned insects all over the continent. We don’t have a lot of wild birds anymore.

I look at someplace like Europe, and I wonder, how can we go back? How can we pry up the asphalt and send it away, dump it into a volcano, send it away for recycling, in thousands of dump trucks, and pry up the concrete and send it away in the dump trucks, acre after acre, and dismantle the buildings and send away the materials, and then, build biodegradable houses out of natural materials that wouldn’t last as long, which would not completely block access to the soil and would not prevent plants and trees from growing.

Falling trees are a real danger when you live in primitive houses in the woods, and I know because I was there, and I heard the trees falling every time it rained, and because that guy, what’s-his-name, Jared Diamond (the voices told me) said that people in New Guinea were very afraid of falling trees and knew people who had been killed in their sleep while camping by a tree that fell. So we must protect ourselves against falling trees, without chopping down every living thing that exists, and we must produce food under the forest canopy, and let the large herds of wild animals grow to a very high

How can we go back? How can we dismantle all the roads, all the sidewalks, all the buildings?

Well, we need flying machines. Every single person will own their own motorized balloon, of course. Everyone has a zeppelin. So we don’t need roads. I’d have to allow just a few manufacturing operations that produced the zeppelins, although I’m sure we could make a balloon out of stitched-together animal skins, if it’s possible for an Inuit person to make a waterproof kayak out of oiled sealskins. Did any primitive tribe ever make a hot air balloon out of skins? Liks a little flying Chinese lantern, even? Surely it could be done. Or it could be made out of reeds of grass, covered in some fireproof material.

How much technology would I allow in my fantasy world?

I’ve got antidepressants all over me from Mary Jo’s clothing. I’ve had only coffee for breakfast. There are things I need to do today. Max’s head is laid over my left arm, all warm and cute. I don’t want to get up. Jesse asked me some questions in his letter, and I love it when he gives me difficult assignments.

I must contact Dave the coin guy, and sell coins to him. I bought only a few silver coins last year.

I must contact Manpower tomorrow, and bug them, and pressure them to interview me, and explain my work history to them, and tell them what I want to do. Maybe I will have to go someplace else, like, yuck, ‘CareerLink,’ and get some formal training in things I already know how to do, so that I can give proof to Manpower. Manpower used to have training programs on their computers, and I hope they still do. I did it before and will do it again.

How long will Jesse be in Washington? By the time I get a job and save up enough money to move, he might be deployed. How long does an army group stay stationed in one place? I’d be working temp jobs. Will he go to Africa? Will I try to go to Africa too? Do vaccines actually work AT ALL? I’ve asked google some questions about whether vaccines are mandatory, or optional, for when you travel to certain countries. Some are optional, some are mandatory. I just don’t want any vaccines that will actually GIVE ME THE DISEASE ITSELF. Vaccines themselves have dangers that are not insignificant, not negligible. Some people die from being vaccinated. Africa is The Land Of Diseases And Parasites.

Africa will be a great, beautiful country in the future. I can see it. ‘Afro-futurism,’ a cultural movement, people writing fiction stories with African people, giving them a future, giving them hope, portraying them in a positive way, science fiction stories with African characters. I have looked for these things, anything that portrays Africans in a good way. I have looked for the African soul. When I look, I find bits and pieces of it, scattered around. It is not easy to find. I find a great many things that I do not like at all, and have to sort through those things and look for whatever is beautiful.

Strange. Chinese people are building Chinese Ghost Cities in Africa, the unpopulated Ghost Cities that are caused by economic bubbles and borrowed money, this enormity in the money system, these trillions of dollars of imaginary money, which I never think about except when I’m on antidepressants. Trillions or quadrillions of dollars of imaginary money are in the Chinese economy, and as a result, they have speculative city-building ventures, where they build entire cities that nobody lives in, and they sit there, empty for years. They are building those Chinese Empty Cities in Africa, too. I saw a youtube video about it. The local people could not afford to live in these expensive, high-rise Chinese apartments. I watched this video because I am fascinated with the idea of mixing Chinese and Africans. The local people had their land taken away from them by the Chinese, who were colonizing the area and building things there, using only Chinese labor, speaking only Chinese, affordable only to foreign people and not the local people. Who is meant to go there? What is the plan? Empty cities.

Oh well, I should get up. Max is no longer laying across my elbow. I use the word ‘lay’ in a grammatically improper way, because ‘lay’ means something different than ‘lie’ to me. ‘Lying’ means you are lying down in a prone position. ‘Lay’ means, to be thrown across something or thrown or sprawled in a random, disorganized way, not just lying down in a straight, neat and tidy position, but sprawled. ‘Lay’ can mean laying on top of something. If you merely ‘lie’ on top of something, you are lying in a more formal, official, organized direction and position, but if you ‘lay,’ you are sprawled in a messy way. Somehow, my brain has picked up these connotations and put them into these words, so that I am reluctant to use the word ‘lie’ when it’s grammatically correct, if I am trying to create an image of messy sprawling and disorder. I know it’s grammatically incorrect, but I often prefer ‘lay.’

Yep. I’m on drugs. I wouldn’t be thinking all this weird stuff explicitly on my own.

wearing borrowed clothes, drinking 4-herb tea, getting a letter from Jesse, struggling to change the cats’ food

April 18, 2015

5:44 PM 4/18/2015

I asked Mary Jo if she could give me any extra clothing, maybe something she was donating to Goodwill, and she did. I’m out of clothes, mostly, because of the recent unexplained contamination incident.

However, Mary Jo uses antidepressants, and so all of her clothing is contaminated with partially metabolized drug resiudes coming from her sweat and skin oils. I’ve experienced this before with other prescription drug users and their clothing. The floor of the bathtub also gets contaminated, so I have to scrub it once in a while, or else I get extremely exhausted after taking a bath. I’ve been exhausted all day while wearing her clothes.

I also tried an herbal tea, but strangely enough, I don’t think that’s what made me exhausted. This was something I bought when I went out with Steve looking for medicinal herbs. I wanted something I could use if my illness got really bad. I didn’t get what I was looking for, but I took Steve’s recommendation and we went and talked to a lady in Lemont, who I have seen before, when I used to eat at the cafe.

She gave me 4-herb Essiac tea, which was a tea developed by a nurse who was treating cancer. I don’t know if these herbs really work to treat cancer, however, it doesn’t matter if they work, because they follow the ‘do no harm’ principle, and are much less toxic than any conventional cancer treatments. Cancer treatments are so deadly that actually, a placebo works better than a cancer treatment in terms of the results that it gets – fewer deaths, less suffering, and cancer that goes away on its own.

So if this tea is merely a placebo, it’s still superior to cancer treatments. But it’s probably more than merely a placebo. Plants have a lot of chemicals and nutrients that are good for you anyway, regardless of which plants they are, and so you could probably get a fairly good cancer treatment out of ‘random plant tea,’ as long as it wasn’t too horribly poisonous.

I made this tea, let it sit overnight (I’m having trouble remembering words right now, because of either this contaminated clothing, or the tea – what is the word for ‘sit overnight, continuing to soak or steep, as in a decoction?’ This is a decoction. Brew? Soak? Steep? Extract?), and then drank a little this morning. It tasted very good to me. It wasn’t really ‘bitter,’ but it just had the faintest hint of bitterness. I could only say it was ‘plant-y’ tasting. I could tell that these were wild plants, because they actually had a flavor. Domesticated plants don’t have much flavor, but they are also much less poisonous. Sometimes, the flavor is the poison. The very things that are irritating to us may be the thing that has the taste we recognize. ‘Earthy’ tasting, maybe? Whatever it was, it was good, something I yearned for, something I desired.

However, it has an *extremely* strong diuretic effect. And it’s astringent, and I felt like my intestines were being sucked in on themselves, which is uncomfortable. I can feel that inside my abdomen, everything is being shrunken down tightly and sucked into a tiny space. But I might like a tea made from only one or two of those herbs, and not all of them, in spite of the fact that the tea is intended to be ‘synergistic,’ with all the herbs performing different functions.

If I am this exhausted the whole time I’m wearing Mary Jo’s clothing, I will *never* get anything done. I’m blaming it on the clothing and not the tea, because it’s the same as what happens if I sit in the bathtub if it hasn’t been cleaned. It’s prescription antidepressant residues.

I got a letter from Jesse. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t writing to me due to the fact that I had told him I was sick and was scared I was going to die. He ignores me whenever I threaten to abandon him in any way, even indirectly. If I accidentally or indirectly threaten to leave him and go away, if I try to talk about other guys or other relationships, if I say I’m sick and I’m dying, or even, in the very beginning, if I say to him the usual routine of ‘Help! the voices in my head are forcing me to chase after you, but I know you don’t want me chasing after you, and I’m sorry, please don’t call the police on me, do you want me to leave you alone???’ Even THAT caused him to ignore me. But as soon as I started taking our relationship for granted, as soon as I started being unapologetically forceful about trying to see him, he started reciprocating and not ignoring me anymore. He only ignores me if I say that I am trying to leave him. But I mailed him every day, for the past few days, telling him I was feeling better every day.

My most recent bouts of illness seem to be reactions to the vaccines now. My left arm felt like it was almost paralyzed. It didn’t want to move. I could force it to move, but it had this feeling of not desiring to move. That happened when I had been sitting in a position where it was slightly squashed for a while, with the circulation cut off, but this was much, much worse than the usual response to having the circulation cut off, and that was the arm that I vaccinated this time, as I’ve been switching back and forth. It lasted for many hours. It’s back to normal now, and of course I am eating as much healthy food as I can, including high fat food to make sure my nerves grow enough myelin.

But last night, the paralyzed arm became more sinister. The paralysis seemed to go into my torso, and I was having apnea, except there is a word for a particular breathing pattern, which was observed in rabies, where you have apnea for a few moments, then suddenly a whole bunch of really fast, frantic breaths. I was doing that.

So in the middle of the night last night, when this apnea was making my life hell, I just picked the medicinal herbs that I had handy. First, I chewed on raw garlic, which is my fix-it-all anytime anything goes wrong. Then I ate a bunch of dried ginger. It wasn’t the kind of dried ginger that I really like, but it would do. Then, I had a cup of black coffee from my instant espresso jar, in the middle of the night. When apnea is bad, I have a cup of coffee in the middle of the night.

I actually suspect this incident might have been something I ate, and not necessarily vaccine paralysis. I had eaten some of the guacamole that I had opened a while ago, which was starting to spoil, and it felt like that was making me sick. Spoiled, rancid fats can be dangerous. I felt almost like that was the cause of the problem, rather than the vaccine paralysis. I got rid of the last of the guacamole instead of eating any more of it. It had been open for many days. It was one of the two containers of frozen organic guacamole from the food bank, a ‘special find’ that I discovered, which actually turned out to be kind of a hassle and a nuisance, because I can’t eat that much guacamole all at once before it spoils, and also because, for some reason, even though I love avocados, and even though I love all the ingredients of guacamole separately, there is something that happens when they are combined that causes it to become disgusting.

And I didn’t used to think so until I worked at Taco Bell, and the smell of the guac was nausea-inducing, and there was a pregnant girl who worked there for a while, and when she saw that I was eating something covered in guacamole, she nearly gagged. She thought guacamole was absolutely disgusting. Every since she did that, I started wondering why the guacamole gave me, too, a nauseated feeling, even though I love avocados. I have wondered if there is a chemical reaction and it changes something, when you add acids and lemons and all that to it, in the attempt to prevent it from browning? I don’t know. All I know is that guacamole is different from avocados. Something changes.

So I felt as though maybe the vaccine paralysis wasn’t traveling to my diaphragm and heart, so much as I had eaten some spoiled guacamole. Isn’t that kind of funny? People who have heart attacks always think they’re just having some indigestion. However, it may be true – you may have indeed eaten something which is causing a heart attack. Spoiled fats could cause a problem that very night that you ate them.

So I don’t know, maybe it was the combination of both the vaccine paralysis and the spoiled guacamole. But it went away and I felt perfectly fine not long after eating the garlic-ginger-coffee combination. That combination worked magic. I went to bed
afterwards, with the apnea all gone, and fell asleep without any problems.

I have one more vaccination to get. I will probably get it.

Max is somewhat okay, but not back to normal. He is all skinny. But he is up and walking around, not lethargic. I let him outside for a while today. I still can’t get them to eat much wet food. They don’t like it if it’s been in the refrigerator. They will eat it when you first open the can. They will sometimes eat it if it’s been slightly warmed up in the microwave after having been in the fridge. I don’t like starving them until they break down and eat whatever I give to them. Jacob goes all around the room causing chaos when he is hungry. He digs in things, he knocks things over, he paws things, he makes messes.

Max is eating a little bit of dry food, and has eaten a little bit of wet food, always just a little bit when I try to give him anything. I was *thrilled* though – yesterday, I caught him drinking out of the water bowl twice. I could hear the sound:
licklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklicklick….. He hasn’t vomited a lot, but he vomited nothing but fluid, once, last night, when he was hungry and his stomach was empty, and I gave him a little bit of food immediately afterwards, and he ate it. I had been withholding food, which I almost never, ever do, but I did it last night, as I was trying to force them to start eating the canned food without worrying that it was cold or that it had been in the refrigerator or that it had been reheated with the microwave. I could only get them to eat a little bit of it. I gave up on trying to force them to eat the canned food. I will have to do this some other way, and I don’t have money right now, so I’m still feeding them the garbage that probably gave him bladder problems in the first place. I don’t think bladder problems are the only problem he’s having. But, regardless, he is not lethargic, not vomiting constantly, and he’s been drinking from the water bowl. He wasn’t even drinking for several days.

I don’t know how I will get anything done if I continue to be this exhausted and sleepy. I might just have to wear my own filthy clothes simply because they don’t have Mary Jo’s antidepressant residues on them. If I have to, I have to.

Retmeishka is offline, and has a dollar value of $6.14

April 17, 2015

This is one of the google results I got from ‘retmeishka,’ ‘bone marrow.’

It says my website is worth $6.14, and it says the site is currently offline. Is my site offline to anyone else? I hope not. It says September 7th, 2014. Why would my site have been ‘offline’ while something was trying to crawl it?

the risk of tetanus is low

April 17, 2015

We hardly ever get tetanus, lockjaw, anymore in the USA. We are no longer a farming economy. We are not outdoors using heavy equipment. Only a small minority are farmers. Most people are safe from physical injury, and so, tetanus is extremely rare. Why would people have to keep getting tetanus shots at all, assuming they even work?

The sense of smell has some connection to the immune system

April 17, 2015

I forgot to write about this, and I’m really hungry and need to go eat instead of spending another couple hours writing. But I noticed several smell-related incidents after these vaccines.

First, there was one incident where I smelled the rabies virus particles in my nose again, after getting vaccinated. It smelled exactly the same as that ‘rotten death’ odor that the sick animal had. For a fraction of a second, I re-smelled that exact same odor in my nose, shortly after being vaccinated. Did a dead rabies particle actually travel to the location of my olfactory bulb? Or did a memory cell in my brain suddenly remember the moment when I encountered the virus for the first time? It re-triggered that exact smell, and I recognized it, rotten putrid death, roadkill, rotting bodies.

When I re-smelled that smell, I suddenly had an intense urge to sneeze and cough, and my throat itched. This seems like the desired ‘immune response.’ You are supposed to sneeze and cough vigorously if you ever encounter that smell. Associate smell with instant sneezing and coughing. Smell this, cough it out immediately and vigorously. In that way, it seemed like the vaccine was ‘working,’ by communicating this lesson to my immune system, although I have no idea if this will last forever.

Then, I have also noticed a very intense, and temporary, increase in my sense of smell after these vaccinations, not just with memories of the rabies odor. I was walking through the parking lot on the way to Weis, and I could clearly smell the odors coming from Hundred Degrees Hot Pot, even though I am not normally aware of that.

The same thing happened when I cooked bone marrow, and the sensation of the rabies virus particle being smelled in my nose was exactly the same as the bone marrow particles triggering a vomit urge.

This was a long story which I wrote about several years ago. I cooked beef bone marrow because the Weston Price people are all talking about eating bone marrow. But bone marrow triggered some kind of horrible reaction. If I had eaten any more than a tiny nibble, I would have been vomiting uncontrollably. It gave me an intense urge to vomit, along with an intensely uncomfortable sensation of restless agitation, so I had to get up and jog around the parking lot outside my apartment.

The bone marrow vapors filled my refrigerator and my entire apartment. I was intensely sensitized to them, so that even a single molecule would land upon my olfactory bulb or whatever, and I would instantly feel the urge to vomit. It was an EXTREMELY POWERFUL immune response to bone marrow particles. The vapors could not be cleaned out of that refrigerator. They landed on all my food and penetrated the plastic wrap I used to cover things. If I ate any of that food with bone marrow vapors on it, I would nearly vomit and had to throw out the food. If you did a google search for ‘retmeishka’ and ‘bone marrow’, you would find this story told in detail. I would even walk into the apartment, and if I sat in the bedroom eating food with the door open, the bone marrow vapors would drift into the bedroom and get into my food and make me want to vomit while I was eating, and I would instantly recognize the sensation. I had to keep the door closed. That went on for MONTHS. It is UNBELIEVABLE.

Bone marrow is an extremely powerful immune system trigger. I do not know why. I thought maybe that bone marrow contained… granules, some kind of granules in the cells that are meant to kill parasites – granulocytes or something, little grains of strong poison that your own immune system uses against parasites – I forget what they’re called.

The sensation of feeling a rabies virus particle land upon my olfactory bulb, triggering an extremely intense odor from a tiny number of particles, was exactly like the bone marrow.

So, the olfactory system is strongly associated with the immune system. Perhaps you can smell disease. You smell the disease, feel emotions and memories, intense memories triggered by smell. You remember where you were, you remember what you saw, you remember exactly what you were doing, you remember the emotions of loved ones dying of the plague. All of it comes to you when you smell that smell again, and you know: run away. Run for your life. Stay away from this place. This place is cursed. This place is contaminated. Run away, run away. Vomit, sneeze, cough, expel it from you. Never go there again.

The intensified sense of smell was temporary. I no longer am aware of things like the smell from the nearby restaurant as I walk through the parking lot. It was only shortly after being vaccinated that I noticed it.

I actually experienced a physical symptom from emotional stress recently

April 17, 2015

I forget when, it might have been yesterday, before I took Max to the vet, or it might have been the day before.

I don’t normally notice myself obviously getting sick from emotional stress, but this time I did. There was a clear, immediate connection between the things.

I had been vaccinated the day before. A side effect of the vaccine is weakness. It’s funny, I realized after doing all these rabies vaccines that I am one of the millions of people who are failing to report adverse vaccine events to the government. The hospital gave me a little bunch of papers with instructions, including the phone number to call to report vaccine events, and these papers listed the side effects of the vaccines.

I myself am having adverse reactions to the vaccines, but not reporting them, because I’ve gotten these vaccines by choice, as a relatively healthy adult eating a relatively healthy diet with a relatively normal immune system, and I got the vaccine because it seemed like the only way I could fight a disease which was far more lethal – rabies.

This is different from a newborn baby or very young child being vaccinated against diseases that they are very unlikely to ever get (such as hepatitis vaccines for newborns for no reason) or diseases that are not usually lethal so long as you are healthy overall and eating a healthy diet (measles, chicken pox). I’m unsure about mumps, because I read that if it happens in teenage males, they can sometimes develop problems with their testicles as a complication of the disease, and I do not know the extent to which this is under their individual control – are you able to take action to prevent that from happening, by doing the usual ‘healthy lifestyle’ behaviors, or is this risk something which is not under your control at all and it happens for reasons which we do not yet understand?

Oh yeah, and everyone keeps telling me to get a tetanus shot. One nurse was very alarmed and scared when she asked me if I’d had a tetanus shot after this rabies incident, and I said ‘no.’ She was like, ‘Gasp! Why not???’ and I said, ‘I wasn’t bitten, it’s complicated, I didn’t have any kind of puncture wound, I just inhaled something that made me sick.’

And again, the whole thing with tetanus shots – WHY DO THEY WORK? Why on earth would it ever be true that, if you just recently got your flesh deeply injected with tetanus bacteria in a puncture wound, and it was already crawling deep into your flesh, WHY would it ever be helpful, afterwards, to inject yourself AGAIN with some dead tetanus bacteria (I assume they use dead ones?), the exact same thing that you already just got injected into you? Is it the adjuvants that are really ‘working?’ So why not just drink a bunch of aluminum all by itself, or a bunch of MSG? Does the adjuvant have to be injected into the same location as the bacteria, so that the adjuvant exerts its effect locally? Why would a local effect have an effect all over the entire body’s immune system?

I myself do not feel confident that I can approach a rabid dog right now without fear and let myself get bitten and not be the least bit worried about it because I’ve recently been vaccinated against rabies.

What on earth is this vaccine doing for me at all? I truly do not understand. Yes, I’m getting vaccines, I’m doing it, I had a terrifying illness that ‘inevitably results in death,’ quote unquote, which I am questioning. I’m still questioning vaccines, even though I’ve chosen to use them in this particular circumstance. I am not saying that vaccines are the best thing to do in every situation, and I am still anti-vaccine for diseases that are not normally lethal, where the outcome is UNDER YOUR CONTROL.

Anyway, so yes, I still have all the same questions about vaccines that I ever did. And I learned a lot about rabies, and about how mainstream medicine handles it, and the myths that they believe, and all of these things need to be questioned and confronted so that we can find a cure, and stop letting all these people die of rabies every year in foreign countries.

Rabies – it’s always been around! We’re used to it! It’s nothing new! It’s not as exotic and terrifying as ebola, but yet, rabies results in an almost-inevitable horrific and disgusting death, just like ebola – nonstop vomiting, convulsions, agony, foaming at the mouth.

So yeah, while going to all these doctors and hospitals and nurses and emergency rooms and what not, I’ve had several people who urged me to get a tetanus shot FOR NO REASON, even though I’ve told them I don’t have any puncture wounds. And if I did get a tetanus shot, I would not feel completely confident and unafraid if I went and stabbed myself with a dirty rusty piece of iron from the backyard, feeling confident that it wouldn’t develop into lockjaw because I’ve had a tetanus shot in the past ten years. Why would someone want you to get a tetanus shot in advance, before anything had happened, and then also have it be the normal routine to get another tetanus shot immediately after you get injured with some dirty germ-covered object, and no one really feels safe and protected and confident that they are totally immune to tetanus and can stab themselves with rusty nails from the backyard all they want, without fear? What is the vaccine really doing for you at all?

If you live in Africa, the answer to that question is: sterilizing you. The tetanus vaccine was the one that had the sterilization substances in it. So I am EVEN MORE angry and offended that people are urging me to get tetanus shots now, after having learned about THAT scandal! Are you telling me you want me to be unable to reproduce? Are you insulting my DNA and saying my children don’t deserve to live because we are evolutionarily inferior? Are you saying I deserve to be genocided? That is what I hear behind their words, every time they tell me to get a tetanus shot, even though they themselves, these doctors and nurses, are ignorant of that scandal.

So, just because I’m getting the rabies vaccine right now does not mean that I have suddenly become a vaccine advocate. Not at all, I still question everything, including this rabies vaccine itself. I’m doing it, because I’m scared and I don’t know what else to do, but that doesn’t mean I believe it’s the right thing to do, or the only thing that exists. I believe we are lacking a whole lot of
information that we need to truly understand rabies. I believe there could be ideal situations where a person or animal is so strong, so protected, so healthy, so well-fed, with such a perfect body, that perhaps they can survive getting rabies. I myself am NOT that person, but I believe it is possible. I do not know. We are lacking all of this information.

Oh yeah, so I started this blog talking about my emotional reaction.

Well, I’ve experienced some weakness all over my body after getting the vaccine. It’s my unreported vaccine adverse event, which the piece of paper warned me might happen.

I wasn’t having weakness all the time, only intermittently. But the other day I experienced a moment of having an intense emotional reaction, concurrent with a feeling of extreme weakness all over my body, which doesn’t usually happen.

I was sobbing and crying over Max, knowing that he was going to die from whatever it was, before I took him to the vet. He was lethargic, not eating, obvious uncomfortable, not drinking, just lying around, looking miserable. I was thinking it was rabies. And it still might be, because rabies causes urinary retention as a symptom, and urinary retention is what the vet observed – his bladder was extremely full and he wasn’t able to let it go. This happens when the spine is compressed by inflammation due to rabies. However, it also happens when you feed cats a totally shitty diet of garbage dry food for months because you’re unemployed and have no money. So I am assuming it’s that second explanation. But urinary retention happens in humans too sometimes when they get rabies.

So I thought he would die. And I looked at him lying on the bed, and suddenly I started crying, and crying, sobbing and wailing loudly, because Mary Jo had gone to work, and I was alone in the house and I could make as much noise as I wanted.

After I sobbed and wailed loudly, grieving over Max’s imminent death for several minutes, I suddenly became overwhelmed by total weakness all over my body, which lasted for quite a while afterwards. It was physical muscle weakness. I don’t normally get physically weak to such an extreme after crying, although I get *slightly* weak temporarily. This is normal for emotional expressions. But it was extreme and prolonged, and it went on for quite a long time, at least half an hour, after sobbing over Max. That was the combination of being recently vaccinated, and also simultaneously having extreme emotional stress and grieving. And the physical weakness could have also come first, which caused me to feel like I needed to cry. It could have been a self-reinforcing spiral. What was that called again? I mentioned this and my brother answered it in a comment, but I forgot again. A feedback loop. But there is a word for it, which my brother mentioned. Why can’t I remember this? There are particular words that I always forget, over and over again, every time I need to remember them, and this is becoming one of those words.

Oh well, I will post this. I have things to do.

I will see, tonight, if I have more brain symptoms and more sensations of the disease reawakening as my immunoglobulin shot wears off. Will my immune system know how to fight rabies all by itself now, or not? I am skeptical, and I feel like it might not. I don’t know if my immune system has learned anything that it didn’t know before. I don’t know if vaccine shots are really capable of teaching my immune system something it doesn’t already know. I don’t know. I am lacking a lot of important information. But we will see.

Max is improved, but not quite normal. A rant about the insanity of how mainstream medicine handles the rabies virus. A doctor asks me about my female mustache.

April 17, 2015

I got him to eat some canned food last night. Canned food is better than dry food if they have urinary stones. I’m well aware of this and have known it for a long time, but have had to use dry food because I have no money. I used a little bit of my remaining money to buy a couple small cans of the good kind of wet food.

I just have to make it a top priority to somehow find a way to buy canned food for Max instead of just giving him dry food while wishing I could give them better food. It’s no longer something that I can put as a low priority – it’s an emergency now. Max HAS TO eat good quality wet food, or his bladder will get blocked with stones until he cannot pee. He was throwing up everything he ate for a few days, and then stopped eating and drinking.

Last night, he ate some wet food, and I was thrilled, and right afterwards, he went to the litter box and peed, although I could not see how much pee actually came out, I could only see the wet spot afterwards. But if he’s able to pee at all, that’s good, because it can get so severe that they cannot pee AT ALL, if the stones completely block the urethra, which is a life-threatening emergency that can kill him in a day or two. I am glad that he is at least able to pee at all. That means that at least the pressure is not building up too much in his bladder, although he is still probably in pain from the stones or crystals.

The vet couldn’t do any further testing because we didn’t want to spend enough money – I borrowed $100 from Steve to take Max there, get him examined, and have his bladder drained. She didn’t give him any hydrating fluids. But he’s no longer vomiting repeatedly. So anyway, she couldn’t tell me in detail exactly how bad the stones or crystals are, since she couldn’t do much of an exam for only $100.

I have been using Steve too much for the past few days. I had him drive me around to look for medicinal herbs. I no longer feel like my death is imminent, although it could be lurking in the future when my immunoglobulin shot wears off. I did actually have a sensation in my brain last night again, a sensation that the disease was once again ‘waking up’ and making a move. The disease in my brain feels like a conscious entity, like an evil being, like something with a will of its own, something taking over, taking control, and rewiring my nerves so that they do weird things like give me throat spasms at the sight of water. Thankfully I did not develop rabies severely enough to be unable to drink.

But it could still happen in the future. The disease incubates for a long time in some people, and the incubation period varies. It is not ‘asymptomatic’ during the incubation period. Anyone who is self-aware and is paying attention is able to observe unusual symptoms happening during this ‘incubation’ period; however, doctors are an epithet that I have no name for, #$^$%^^#%^!@, a bunch of curse word symbols, evil morons.

Evil morons believe that symptoms don’t exist if a patient merely describes feeling an internal sensation of XYZ. If you can’t see it from the outside, if the patient merely says ‘I feel X’ or ‘I had this weird sensation of Y,’ the doctor dismisses it as being ‘all psychological,’ all in the mind. If the patient falls to the floor helplessly in a convulsion foaming at the mouth, that’s the kind of ‘symptom of rabies’ that a doctor will acknowledge is real, and so, during all those months and months of quote unquote ‘asymptomatic’ ‘incubation’ of the disease, the mild low-level symptoms the victim experiences are ‘psychological’ because they are perceived internally and can only be described in the words of the patient, rather than being perceived objectively by an external observer. I wouldn’t even put it past those evil moron doctors to think that a person was helplessly having a seizure and frothing at the mouth just to ‘get attention.’

So, to some extent, the disease of rabies is iatrogenic-by-neglect. Doctors don’t listen and don’t want to do anything during the all-in-the-mind stage of rabies incubation, so they ignore all their patients’ descriptions of what is happening to them, until the disease has completely taken over and the victim’s body is completely out of control, completely unable to eat without vomiting, unable to drink, convulsing, foaming, and dying, all just to get some attention.

All of a sudden, when the victim dies, the doctor says, okay, maybe they didn’t mean to die on purpose just to get attention, but then again, some people’s minds are so twisted that maybe they DID make themselves die on purpose just to be theatrical and get attention, so even after their death they still are thinking the disease wasn’t real, it was all psychological and just a trick, just a game to get some attention and be theatrical. And then they’ll take a brain sample and find out that it contains the rabies virus, and the doctor says, ‘OH! OKAY! Maybe it really was a disease after all, and they weren’t just being theatrical and doing drama to get some attention!’

But the particular individuals who misdiagnosed you along the way, as you see doctor after doctor, person after person, each and every person who types your name into the computer and asks you what your symptoms are and gives you a funny look or a skeptical tone of voice as you explain it to them, each and every person in the emergency room who gives you the vaccine, or the head nurse guy or P.A. or whatever his title was, the guy who talked with me, all those various individuals will never be contacted again to find out ‘how it ended.’

They had some idea in their heads that none of this was real and that you would be okay, but nobody is responsible for hunting down each and every one of those people, and correcting this mistake in their minds. They need to be hunted down, one by one, and informed about the final outcome of this disease that they mistakenly believed was mere drama, theater, and attention-seeking behavior. They need to be told, ‘No, this person actually DIED, and we found the rabies virus in their brain.’ So these people MUST LEARN that whenever they accuse someone of having an imaginary disease all in their minds, THEY… ARE… *WRONG*….

I’m not sure which socionic function this is. It’s something I don’t normally think of. I’m thinking of the idea of correcting people’s misconceptions, their wrong beliefs, their mistakes, by hunting down each individual who mistakenly believed something that was untrue. Nobody ever goes back and changes their mind after it’s over. They continue to be wrong, while objective reality moves on and leaves them behind in their misconceptions. And so, the legends of this disease persist, the way of dealing with it persists, the people pass on their wrong beliefs, their wrong assumptions, everything they do that has to do with rabies.

They assume death is inevitable. But that’s only when you wait until the very last moment, when somebody is already really far gone. BEFORE THAT HAPPENS, the patient is still able to describe a whole lot of strange and frightening symptoms to you, but you HAVE TO LISTEN to them when they do. You might have months and months to listen to this person as they describe their strange sensations and strange observations of what their body is doing. During that time, death is not yet inevitable. ‘Death is inevitable by the time symptoms appear.’ Define the phrase ‘symptoms appear.’ Symptoms appear TO THE PATIENT, within their own sensory observations? No. Symptoms appear, which the patient is able to detect from within, but which are not outwardly obvious, like falling to the floor convulsing and foaming at the mouth. When the non-obvious, inward sensations appear, death is not yet inevitable. When the outwardly obvious symptoms appear, like convulsions and foaming, death might very well be inevitable by then, but you have TIME before that happens, IF ONLY YOU *LISTEN*.

The patient is able to detect symptoms from within, such as ‘I had a sensation of my throat spasming when the air blew in my face,’ but it wasn’t so severe that they were totally incapacitated by this – mild aerophobia. They might not have it so severely that they can’t even suppress it, like the people in youtube videos who are being diagnosed with rabies in foreign countries where rabies is common. Those people turn their faces away and cringe if you wave a piece of paper in front of their face. But if the symptom is mild, you can feel your throat spasming, you can feel the panic attack it triggers in your brain, but you are able to suppress it just enough that you don’t show obvious outward behavior changes. Nobody listens to you if your symptoms are mild and internal like that.

Yes, I’m angry because I went to the doctor yesterday, and I encountered everything I hate about mainstream medicine. I also mentioned my chronic fatigue while I was there, but I am postponing that for now because this was a bigger emergency (I’m hoping that I continue to feel better even after the immunoglobulin wears off, but as of right now, I feel good, I’m just very cautious and vigilant about what might happen in the future).

After talking about my chronic fatigue, she HAD TO ASK about my mustache. It’s a lifestyle choice, not a symptom! Millions of women, perhaps even 1/4 of all women as a rough estimate, grow facial hair. But they remove it so completely and so effectively that it is invisible, and therefore cannot be used as a ‘symptom of illness.’ Doctors do not routinely ask all women, ‘Do you grow facial hair, which you are currently shaving or waxing or removing?’ That ought to be a routine question they ask everybody, if that question matters at all, if that symptom means anything at all. That symptom is obviously unimportant, because it doesn’t matter enough for them to routinely ask it to everyone who might be shaving or waxing their mustache. But if you CHOOSE not to remove your mustache, as I do, that LIFESTYLE CHOICE suddenly draws attention to the fact that you have a mustache, just like millions of other women who have invisible mustaches that are being shaved, waxed, and bleached. Don’t ALL THOSE WOMEN have a hormone disease or polycystic ovary syndrome too? You have to suspect that I might have PCOS because I have facial hair, just like 1/4 of all women who also have facial hair which is not immediately obvious because they are effectively removing it?

The fact that women effectively remove facial hair so that you can’t even tell that they are growing it at all creates a taboo, a secret. No one knows the exact percentage of women who have facial hair. I estimate 1/4 of all women, but that is just a guess, and I could be way off. It’s EXTREMELY COMMON and is not at all unusual, and certainly not unusual enough to diagnose a hormone disorder or PCOS. This doctor was IGNORANT.

So I told her no, it was just that I have beliefs about cutting and shaving my hair, and I’ve had my hormones tested in the past, and they were all normal, and my mom has a mustache, and her mother had a mustache, and I come from a Celtic/Welsh background, and somebody told me that the Celtic/Welsh people tended to have women with mustaches, along with the Germans, and then this doctor also added, ‘And the Italians.’ So, she knows – it’s associated with ethnic groups.

I think she was asking it for personal curiosity, and hiding it under the doctor-authority umbrella of ‘I’m allowed to ask you this offensive question because I’m diagnosing you as a doctor,’ when really she was merely curious as to why I didn’t shave it. I didn’t explain to her in detail all of my beliefs about human beauty, natural beauty. I’d like to, but we didn’t have time for that, and I didn’t feel strong enough to talk about it. In a way, I almost felt as though she envied or admired me for doing this, while also she felt disdain, contempt, or disapproval, like, ‘Wouldn’t it be nice if we could all just stop worrying about shaving everything all the time?’ I felt that that was in there somewhere, in her feelings, behind what she said. I sort of disliked her, but I sort of had a feeling that I might like her more if I got to know her and visited her more often. I could not discern what personality type she was, as of yet.

I haven’t gotten letters from Jesse for a few days now. I’ve sent a bunch to him. I’m not sure if the letters are being blocked again, or if he’s mad at me because I was telling him I was worried about my illness. I tried to call the base today, but nobody answered. I have to try again, and talk to someone, and ask how Jesse is.

I was unable to think about Jesse and the future, in the same thought – Jesse, future, Jesse, future – because of this barrier, this wall, caused by thinking I was going to die of rabies. I am just barely starting to be able to think of ‘Jesse, future,’ along with ‘getting a job,’ after I completed that horrific web page at Manpower yesterday. To invest energy into the future, having faith that you will live that long. To invest hope and excitement into the future, to feel it, to feel happy about the future, to look forward to it eagerly. These emotions change when you expect death.

I still feel anxiety and distrust at the thought of happily
anticipating the future. I try to happily anticipate the future with Jesse, and I still feel just a little bit of doubt, that maybe I will have a rabies attack in the future, maybe I am still incubating it, maybe it’s going to regrow when the immunoglobulin wears off.

And that’s not to mention even the fact that Jesse might be deployed, maybe to Africa, and might die. All of that in the future too! The uncertainty of being a military wife. We’re not married, but I use the word ‘wife’ and ‘husband’ in my mind to talk about us, to emphasize the seriousness.

And then after that, our age difference. He’s 20, I’m 40. My body will start falling apart much sooner than his. I will die, unless some unusual thing happens to him or unless he dies in war or has some other unusual event happen. I want him to know that I am not the only woman capable of loving him, strong enough to love him, stable enough to love him, strong enough for him to hold on to. I can’t find them at a moment’s notice, but I know those other women are out there. When I die, I want him to find a replacement, and keep going. That next woman might be even better for him than I am, and I hope so.

Future, and Jesse. Yes, I am able to think of those two things together. With the way I feel right now, I can look into the future and see myself not dying immediately, not dying in the next few months, not dying this year, not dying before we do everything we want to do together. The immunoglobulin will wear off, and I might start to feel the disease reawakening and continuing to grow. I might have to repeatedly get immunoglobulin shots to suppress rabies for the rest of my life, but that might give me cancer. I don’t know. So I cannot completely have total faith and confidence in ‘Jesse, future’ right now, but I can timidly put just a little bit of faith and confidence in that, just a little.

another day, another hundred million evil retards I had to battle against

April 16, 2015

I went to the doctor today, and I also had Steve take me and Max to the vet this morning. We didn’t have enough money, so we did as little as possible, and there are some things I would have liked to have done but could not do. Max has urinary retention – his bladder is full, and he has stones and stuff. That’s part of the problem, not the whole problem. She drained his bladder by piercing it with a needle through the skin, not with a catheter. This vet wasn’t an evil retard, she was okay, but even so it was a stressful experience. I’m too tired to tell all about it.

I had to go to the doctor at 2:00, and I rode my bike there, which was tiring, and then I had to deal with the evil retards who don’t believe that it could ever be possible, in any universe, to get rabies by inhalation. Oh, I could write all about that. I could write what I was writing in Notepad when I was unable to connect to the internet. I’m gonna go get a dish full of rabid dog slobber, and then rub it all over a bunch of fur, which has an extremely high surface area, and then tell these people who don’t believe me to stick their face directly into this fur which has been rubbed with rabid saliva, and inhale deeply over and over again, with their face pressed directly into the fur so it’s all touching their nose and mouth. THAT IS WHAT I DID, except the saliva wasn’t wet, it seemed dry when I picked him up. It was just a bad smell that had gotten all over him. I can’t explain why it was dry. No such thing as rabies inhalation? Then why does that image frighten you? Why would you say ‘no’ if I challenged you to stick your mouth and nose deeply into that rabies-rubbed fur and inhale repeatedly and deeply? These people are simply NOT LISTENING when I describe what happened. I tell them, ‘I STUCK MY FACE IN MY CAT’S FUR AND INHALED DEEPLY AFTER HE FOUGHT WITH THE ANIMAL AND GOT RABID SALIVA ALL OVER HIM,’ and they’re zoning out and thinking about football.

I hate evil morons.

Working on fish broth again; feeling better every day, lulled into a false sense of security – it will sneak up on me as soon as I let my guard down

April 15, 2015

1:57 PM 4/15/2015

I’m continuing to feel better, although I can still feel that the back of my neck has a sensation of being swollen or irritated inside. It’s just enough to make me aware that this is not completely gone. I’m getting another vaccine today.

I still wonder what would have happened if I had not done the vaccine. The immunoglobulin is most likely what helped me the most. It bothers me greatly to know that there is some virus that, for some reason, my immune system just can’t fight off fast enough. It may be able to fight it, just not as quickly as the virus is doing the damage, and then, with the particular symptoms caused by the virus, you totally lose control, because if you cannot eat or drink, then you can’t heal damaged tissues or remove toxins from your body.

My cat Max is throwing up. He has thrown up several times over the past week. I am now keeping him in the room today so that I can watch everything he does. He is reluctant to eat. I can’t buy special foods right now.

I wiped a little bit of fish fat from the fish broth that I made onto his face so he would lick it off. He did, but I don’t think I got much into him.

I also did a thing which is cruel, but helpful and effective, and in the big scheme of things, not too cruel. I got a washcloth and a bowl of warm water, and then I sloshed water all over his body as much as I could. He’s not drinking water. But he will lick himself a little bit after I get his fur totally soaked. Last time I did this, he ran to the litter box afterwards and had a small amount of diarrhea. I understand that – if I myself am sick, and if I drink only one tiny sip of water, my digestive system immediately responds by spewing out almost that exact quantity of water out the other end.

I imagine his intestine might by trying to flush out poisons. I think he got poisoned because my neighbor said she was going to start doing things to her yard. She was going to pull some weeds and fertilize the lawn. I don’t know for sure, but she could have used weed killer on the lawn, or maybe some other neighbor used weed killer. Or maybe fertilizer itself is toxic enough to poison a cat. Max likes to nibble blades of grass, and even if he didn’t nibble it, he would be walking around in it all the time, getting it on his feet and legs. That is my current theory.

He’s licking his sopping wet fur right now, which pleases me. He will swallow just a few tiny licks of water, which is better than no water at all.

Mary Jo’s cat Conner was also vomiting in the last couple days, so whatever it was, they got it simultaneously. Conner doesn’t seem to be vomiting quite as badly, although maybe I just haven’t noticed. Conner also goes outside.

Today, I rescheduled a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow. I had one already scheduled for the end of April. I wanted it to be sooner so that I could talk to them about doing some more thorough testing to find the virus that was murdering me. I want to prove that I really did have, or have now, a murderous virus in my body, so that people will take me seriously and cooperate with me to do something about it. I feel better every day, but I don’t want to be lulled into a false sense of security, because the virus could be incubating, waiting to give me an acute attack and put me in the hospital and kill me later on.

I’m also doing some laundry today. I’m trying to wash the clothes that got contaminated with something. Unfortunately, this never works. I’m washing them repeatedly right now, out of desperation, because I have so few clothes left. I was going to buy a couple new items of clothing with the little bit of money I had, but that got spent on various other things. I am wearing the same clothes over and over. I myself don’t mind this, but I don’t want Mary Jo to see it.

I’m feeling better, but I don’t know how I would feel if I stopped drinking coffee again. I had to stop drinking coffee several times during this illness, because when I did drink it, or if I skipped any meals, I would have hell to pay later on. I would get a sort of dizzy, tickly feeling in my head, feel like I was going to vomit, and have some of the scary symptoms like throat spasms. But if I would eat some filling, high-fat healthy foods, that bad feeling would go away.

Now, however, I know that I’m stronger, because unfortunately, I am able to get away with drinking coffee again, even drinking a LOT of coffee. I no longer have horrible attacks later on if I skip meals or drink coffee. I say ‘unfortunately’ because it would be nice if I just kept on quitting coffee and always eating tons of extremely healthy food. However, I want to get better, and being better means my body can tolerate some unhealthy behaviors.

I just don’t want to let down my guard. That’s why I’m going to insist on getting some tests done at the doctor’s office tomorrow.

I’m not happy about being vaccinated. Rabies vaccines cause cancer in pets, although we aren’t using the exact same kind of vaccine. But still, they do cause cancerous lumps. I could have traded rabies (guaranteed severe, horrible death in only a few weeks) for cancer (slow development, not guaranteed death, a chance of survival, over a longer period of time). My chance of surviving cancer is probably better than my chance of surviving rabies. A lot of people survive cancer, particularly if they are able to stop doing the thing that gave them cancer in the first place, if they know what that is.

I’m working on the fish broth today. I had made it, whatever day that was, and then left it in the fridge. It wasn’t done. I wanted to extract more broth out of it. So today, I added water, over and over, and warmed it up, and poured out the broth into some big containers, to get out as much of the fish oil as I could.

Now that I’ve done that, I am boiling the fish with more vinegar, to soften the bones. This is experimental. I think I won’t be able to eat it because of the vinegar. But I will find out how it is.

I drank the broth, before I added the extra vinegar. The broth was *so good* that I drank a LOT of it. I didn’t even feel like I had drunk a lot. When something is bad quality, it makes you feel sick and bloated after you eat it, and you can’t eat very much of it. But if you find something that you’re able to eat a lot of, without feeling yucky afterwards, it’s probably good for you (that’s a very general rule, and it doesn’t apply to everything – some people are able to eat huge amounts of junk food. It’s just that I have a sensitive stomach, and so, if something is really bad for me, usually I can’t tolerate eating much of it.).

Unfortunately I have to go back to working on the Manpower job application. It has all these different sections that you have to fill out.

UUURRRGHH! I don’t want to describe that web page. Okay, imagine there is an extremely long list with hundreds of different skills. What’s the best way to help the web page user highlight a whole bunch of skills from that list? The answer to that question is NOT ‘put it in a drop-down menu, so that you have to move the mouse to a teeny little arrow and click it, scroll down through hundreds of skills to the one you want, click it, click on a bunch of other stuff afterwards for each skill (what level of skill, how many years experience), and then go click on the tiny arrow on the drop-down menu again, dozens and dozens of times, scrolling through hundreds and hundreds of skills in the list with a miniscule scrollbar that is a couple pixels tall that you have to grab with the mouse, over and over and over and over again. I was NOT HAPPY.

Instead of that !#%$#!@$%#@ drop-down menu, what they need is a list where you can control-click multiple items. Even that is not the ideal way to do it, but it’s a better way. There are even better ways than that.

The skills were not even organized into groups. They were
alphabetical. So similar skills are not together. So, for example, the word ‘food preparation’ would be right next to ‘Fortran,’ or something. Not only that, but they weren’t really alphabetical either, because for some reason, at the very top of the list and at the very end of the list, there was a separate small group of alphabetical things that weren’t in with the main list of alphabetical things. So, for example, at the beginning, you have about maybe fifteen list items organized alphabetically, and then, all of a sudden below that, it starts at the letter A again, and makes a list hundreds of items long alphabetically, and after that list reaches Z, there is another small list with a couple dozen items starting at A to Z again, for no reason at all, just bad organization and sloppiness! Very annoying! So you might go crazy trying to find the word ‘cashier’ somewhere in that list, only to find that it’s in the tiny little group of items at the very end, where it has for some reason started back at A to Z again after having reached Z.

I can’t even really explain how it should be done, I just know for sure that it absolutely could be done a better way than that. If you could just see the whole list at once without having to navigate your mouse to a tiny scrollbar one pixel tall and grab it, then having to click the skill name, which closes the scrollbar, and then have to go click the arrow again, click the pixel-sized scrollbar, start all the way back at ‘A’ again, and move the scrollbar down through this drop-down box hundreds of items long – GRRR! It is !#@@%##% retarded!

I have reason to suspect that this might be a socionics problem, and the reason I say that is because I once worked with a boss who was an LIE personality type, my supervisee relation (LIE is beneath me – I’m a SLI – the ESE is above me in the supervisor relation). I saw exactly the same kinds of things happening on the web page that he designed, and I remember writing a blog or something ripping that website to pieces because I hated how badly designed it was and how inconvenient it was to use.

He would have an idea in his head, just the general idea of what he wanted to get done, and he would just jump in and start making something without really planning it all out in detail first. He would start doing something, and then later on, it would turn out that some parts of it were kind of going badly, and we’d have to just kind of patch things together to keep it going, which would often be someone’s else’s job to do. He had exactly that sort of thing going on with his web page, things where you had to click hundreds of tiny little selectors, rather than just simply writing something by hand, and it took so many hours to click all the hundreds of little selectors, many of which contained trivial and unimportant
information, but which were required anyhow (you have to fill out a dozen attributes for each thing, etc, and it’s required and you can’t move on to the next one until you’ve finished that one, and you can’t save the page for later, because if you leave the page it erases all of the thousands of selections that you just spent hours making, etc, etc, etc….).

So yeah, I’ve seen LIEs make this type of web page before. I think it might be a weakness of sensing that causes them to do something without thinking of how inconvenient it is to use. ‘Inconvenient’ is an understatement. ‘An absolute nightmare’ might be more accurate.

And if I envy them for anything, I envy them for that very thing: being able to jump into something and start working on it without worrying about every little detail and without worrying about the fact that it’s half-assed and hasn’t been all planned out yet. Because of that, they’re able to get stuff done, and I can’t. Because of that, LIEs are probably the wealthiest group of people on earth, as they often become entrepreneurs. I’m not certain that they’re the wealthiest, but they are one of the wealthier among the types.

I should go check on the soup. Maybe I will go ahead and post this.

But yes, I’m being lulled into a false sense of security due to the fact that I feel better every day.

Oh, I have a reminder on my phone telling me to go get vaccinated again too. And I need to get the laundry out and I need to shower too. Lots of stuff to do. Then a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.

Hemp hearts powder is now on the ‘forbidden substances’ list.

April 14, 2015

11:43 PM 4/14/2015

This evening I decided it was time to dump the hemp hearts powder bag out over the hill, rinse out the bag, and throw it away, and wash my hands. (I usually try to dump biodegradable substances outdoors.) I had only eaten two microdoses of it – one yesterday, and one today. I only filled the very edge of the tip of the spoon handle with a tiny dot of powder that was a couple millimeters across, and I ate that, and I only did this twice.

But this evening, I became aware that I was desiring it. I felt that the powder was sitting up there in the container, while I was lying in bed, and I wanted to eat some.

I have done some google searches in the past, and I do not remember what they were, but I ended up seeing some horrifying images from a ‘true gore’ type of website, which showed actual images of real dead bodies, taken from crime scenes and that kind of thing. There were quite a few dead bodies where the description said they committed suicide after using marijuana.

I have also read that there were incidents where people had very high blood pressure associated with marijuana use.

I will go into withdrawal then, and I will do EFT tapping to soothe myself.

I drank a whole bunch of coffee today.

I need to assess the true state of my illness, which will be hard to do when my body is full of coffee and when I’ve been recently using hemp hearts powder. I don’t know what the ‘hearts’ are, but another bag had hemp hearts in it too, but they were not ground up, and they looked like seeds.

The sensation that it gave me was pleasant, but pleasant in a sick way, which I felt was capable of developing into something extremely negative and dangerous.

So the bag is dumped out. I bought it from a store which is somewhat far away and hard to reach, so I won’t go there very often. I had never been there before. I got Steve to drive me around because I wanted to buy medicinal herbs, so I asked him for his help. I won’t be doing that every day. So it’s likely that I won’t accidentally go and keep buying bags of hemp powder against my will. It’s
inconvenient, and I’d have to ride my bike a little way.

I hope that I forget about it quickly. EFT tapping if necessary. I do not want to endanger myself any more than I already am.