Archive for November, 2014

I didn’t die of parasites; I’m filling out a job application and drinking caffeine

November 29, 2014

10:02 PM 11/29/2014

I am definitely NOT on the no caffeine wagon. I’m drinking a lot of coffee, and I just bought Coke. I’m going to try to fill out a job application, which is torture for me. The one I have is for Goodwill.

I did not die of parasites last night. I did feel them, and I still can. They crawled into my muscles. They made little piercing pains. It did not feel terrifying or life-threatening the way it did a few days ago when I accidentally undercooked the sausage (which does say it’s fully cooked on the package) and felt like I had trichinosis afterwards. The grassfed beef parasites are uncomfortable and disturbing, but they did not give me the feelings of horrible fear.

I’m starting to think that you just cannot get immunity to parasites. I’ve been exposed to parasites occasionally, testing things over the past couple years, including things that I didn’t expect to contain parasites, like cod liver oil or raw milk. No matter how many times I’m exposed to them, my body is never able to block them from getting in and causing a disturbance. I don’t know if ‘immunity’ is something that applies to parasites. You might have to have a HUGE number of white blood cells that are constantly active at all times, in order to catch parasites quickly as they are entering the body, if you were eating raw meat every day. I don’t know.

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I ate some raw grassfed ground beef; tested sleeping in a chilly place for a couple of minutes on a cold floor in the house

November 28, 2014

4:34 PM 11/28/2014

I did a couple experiments today. I still haven’t applied for another job since Adecco, and I still have the Domino’s job application sitting here, not filled out. I’ve been considering a lot of jobs that I see online, but there are too many possibilities. I’d also like to apply at other temp agencies. Anyway, since I quit caffeine, I’ve spent a huge amount of time just sleeping or lying around, and today was like that too.

I had two cups of coffee last night. I didn’t go to Jesse’s for Thanksgiving. Steve had called me and asked me what I was doing for Thanksgiving. I called him back too late after he had already gone somewhere to eat a meal, but he decided to pick me up and hang out with me. We considered going to a movie, but neither of us were hugely enthusiastic about anything that was on. I do want to see a couple things, but I don’t have a lot of money left – I’m in Denial-Land, Denialville, right now, thinking that magic money will fall from the sky even if I don’t bother to ask my parents to send it to me. So they might agree to send it, and it will take days to get here, and I’ll go days without any food, because now, I can’t eat at McDonald’s anytime I want free food! In the past, if I ran out of money, I could still always get a daily free meal at McD. Or, rather, a daily discount meal, unless particular managers were there, who would always try to give me a free meal even if I wasn’t working that day.

I didn’t go to a Thanksgiving dinner, I just ate two hot dogs and two cups of coffee at Sheetz. I had thought Sheetz would be giving away free coffee, but either they stopped doing that or else they don’t do it on Thanksgiving. It must be a HUGE pain in the ass to do it. I drank two cups of coffee knowing that I was probably going to ruin everything and ruin my withdrawal and get back into the habit. It was meant to cheer me up when I wasn’t able to go where I wanted to go on Thanksgiving. Jesse still hasn’t spoken to me yet for a couple days.

We didn’t go to a movie, we just hung out, read the movie reviews, I read the internet, and Steve read the Wall Street Journal, while sitting at Sheetz, and then finally we just came home. We did not have sex – I haven’t had sex with Steve ever since that one time ages and ages ago, because I’m with Jesse and feel extremely guilty about cheating on him. It felt horrible the one time when I did it in the beginning, so I never did it again.

I was awake all night long from the coffee. I read about Tibetan monks, among other things, and temporarily believed some claims that they had the power to do things like light fires with their hands, but then read more about them online and a bunch of people tried to debunk it and made me believe it wasn’t real. It was awesome for a few minutes while I was believing it.

But there is stuff that people can do which is real and documented. People can tolerate enormous amounts of cold temperatures. Primitive people do – there are photos of Australian Aborigines sleeping directly on the cold ground, naked, without any kind of insulating mat under them, in cold weather, and all they have is a bunch of branches overhead made into a windbreak, and a couple of small fires under that windbreak. But I know from experience that you can’t sleep on the cold ground. The ground is an infinite conductor, the size of the earth, the entire planet. It pulls every bit of heat out of your body until you are the same temperature as the soil. If only you have insulation underneath you, then you have saved an enormous amount of heat loss. And yet these people were shown in pictures lying naked on the cold ground.

I think it’s a combination of things. You have to eat a healthy diet. You can’t have mercury poisoning or other heavy metal poisoning, because that messes with your body’s ability to regulate its own temperature. You probably should not have Weston Price deformities, because I suspect that they affect more than just the face, more than just a few bones in the body, but everything, all the way down to the blood vessels, so that your blood vessels are too narrow all over your body because of deformities and failure to grow. It’s only a theory. But if your blood vessels don’t function properly, you probably cannot control your body’s temperature properly.

Then there is the possibility of ‘getting used to it gradually.’ There may be some kind of response to cold exposure, like getting a callus on your skin, analogous to that, but not the same thing. Your body might do something, grow something, build something, in response to frequent long-term cold exposure. It might build more blood vessels or something, I don’t know. And you have to have a healthy enough diet that it’s able to build anything at all. This is just my theory. They show monks sitting in creeks naked dousing themselves with the ice cold water of the creek. (I took baths in ice cold creeks, but I was miserable the whole time and did it as quickly as possible, whereas these monks are sitting there perfectly peaceful and still.)

I am not able to sleep if I am the slightest bit cold. The people who had the picture of the Aborigines said that they did a test on unacclimated white people versus the aborigines. The aborigines slept perfectly peacefully and comfortably, with uninterrupted sleep, on the cold ground. Unacclimated white people were shivering and miserable and could not fall asleep. That’s how I responded when I tested myself by merely lying down on the cold wooden floor in the other room away from my heater. It’s still way above freezing in there, just slightly chilly, and the floor is also way above freezing. But even so, it was too much for my body, and I quit after only a few minutes, then went to sleep in my bed, and woke up feeling as though I was still ‘cold inside’ deep down, even though I was extremely warm under my blanket with the heater blasting directly on me, as though I was burned by cold, even though it was very moderate and gentle cold for only a few minutes directly against my bare skin. I had laid down on the wooden floor naked, like the aborigines on the ground in much colder temperatures sleeping, and only for a few minutes.

I wonder what exactly gets injured when you are burned by gentle cold? Your body has some kind of long lasting pain, a long lasting sensation of coldness deep inside. Something must heal and grow and recover. Perhaps if you do this often enough, you do get used to it, like growing a callus on your skin. I don’t know. It truly was a ridiculously small amount of cold, for a ridiculously small amount of time. But those aborigine people were doing it their whole lives.

Oh, I also did another test today. I was craving raw meat. I did eat some, and I’m going to have parasites in the middle of the night. I know from experience they are nonlethal parasites, but they are sometimes extremely disturbing. It was grassfed beef, ground beef, from Weis, which was $10 a bag. I had just seen something on the net saying how high ground beef prices have risen, and organic grassfed ground beef especially so. It was just a normal size bag. I haven’t bought a package of ground beef like that for a while, but it’s just a normal size package (I can’t remember the number, maybe one pound or something, not much).

The raw meat is REALLY GOOD going down. I have no hesitation at all about eating it – merely the process of eating it is great. I’m not one of those people who are terrified of anything unfamiliar, and so it doesn’t bother me at all that it’s a weird and unfamiliar texture and flavor, not like normal meat. It tastes absolutely delicious to me raw. I’d eat tons and tons of it that way; however, I know that my body can’t handle a ton of parasites all at once. I will have a *few* parasites in the nighttime tonight, and I don’t want to overwhelm my body with a big severe sudden parasite infection until I’ve tested this a couple times. I don’t know if your body builds up resistance against parasites, or if it just remains helplessly stupid forever regardless of how much exposure to parasites you have. Perhaps those vaccine makers are right – your body is too stupid to react to germs, and it needs some kind of ‘adjuvant’ to cause a huge and severe immune response instead of the ho-hum immune response that it would have done on its own. Yes, I’m being sarcastic – I would *hope* that’s not true. I would hope that my body will respond appropriately if it gets practice with exposure to small numbers of parasites. There are forums on the internet where people CLAIM they are eating large amounts of raw meat every day, for health reasons and experimental purposes.

But yes, as for the taste, I had no hesitation at all about swallowing raw ground beef. It was grassfed, so it will have much less bacteria. The bacteria in meat is caused by keeping the animals confined in a tiny stall and force-feeding them corn and other unnatural feeds for their lifetime, which causes them to constantly develop infections which have to be treated with antibiotics, and which causes their meat to always be full of toxic bacteria. Grassfed meat has hardly any bacteria it all, but it definitely does have parasites, and I felt them swimming in my blood only a couple minutes after I ate the beef. They went into my blood, and now they are quiet, but I expect them to torture me all night long when they move into their next phase of development. I know this from past experience.

I also ate fresh organic cranberries. They must have given us cranberries because it was Thanksgiving, because they usually don’t sell fresh organic cranberries, but people make that cranberry orange mash stuff. I don’t know what is the rationale for taking one extremely sour bitter fruit, and mixing it up with ANOTHER extremely sour fruit, to make a mashup of two extremely sour fruits at once, but whatever, people are weird and they have weird traditions. I just try to eat cranberries all year long, to be faithful to the one tiny drop of Native American blood that came from somewhere on my mom’s side of the family, to be faithful to the native foods that grow in this country. I’d buy other wild berries if they were sold in stores, too. I’d love that. I used to get wild blueberries in the store; however, I observed that they rapidly cause cavities shortly after I eat them.

The cranberries are just INEDIBLE unless you mix them with meat and fat. I read that they used to be mixed with pemmican. When you mix them with fatty meat, they are tolerable. They’re so sour and so strong you can’t eat them alone. However, I tolerate the DRIED organic cranberries, which are much less sour than normal cranberries. I can’t imagine what would have happened if I had tried to eat normal cranberries fresh. So, I mixed these with my meat when I cooked it, because I only ate a few small mouthfuls of raw ground beef, and then fried the rest.

I haven’t been able to focus on applying for jobs yet. It has to be decided soon. I’m living in Denialville. Nothing is wrong and nothing is going to happen, and the magic money will come to me even if I don’t bother to ask for it.

But anyway, it’s a shame about raw meat being so delicious. I would wolf down large amounts of it if it were safe, but I know it will get me later on. So I will slowly test little bits of it and see if my body is able to defend itself. I will not jump into huge amounts all at once. Cravings for raw meat are ‘legit’ – they really happen, and they serve a purpose, and if I can *EVER* get pregnant, I will have to expect cravings for raw meat and not be surprised by them. For other women, it’s taboo and they’re not prepared for it, but I know what to expect. I want my body to be able to handle it when that happens.

I need to go eat again right now. I just woke up from my nap and have been here blogging. Maybe, maybe I will be able to decide among the thousands of possibilities, the thousands of pathways I could choose, and pick just one among them all, and apply for a job. That’s all. I just can’t choose one pathway out of thousands.

I will continue caffeine withdrawal even though I had two cups of coffee last night to cheer me up on Thanksgiving. I will have to go into withdrawal again.

I can ‘feel’ that today is a holiday; it snowed; I might crash my boyfriend’s Thanksgiving

November 27, 2014

10:05 AM 11/27/2014

It’s Thanksgiving. It feels like a holiday. I can feel it in the air. It might be because it snowed outside, but it might also be because the mind control attacks change on holidays. I’ve felt it before – the attacks are greatly reduced on holidays. Only American holidays, of course. The attacks don’t stop during Ramadan or anything like that. It stops on the holidays when the American military (or other government agencies – I can’t blame the military for sure) would also be on holiday.

The feeling also changes when there is snow outside. I believe snow releases something, maybe negative ions, maybe something else, which is different from what rain releases. Snow brings quiet.

The cats were fighting this morning, so I took them outside in the early morning. A few minutes later, I went to check on them, and ended up walking down the sidewalk because I was looking for the other cat, Conner, that belongs to my landlady – I had let him out and didn’t want to be guilty of leaving someone else’s cat outside for a long time. The cats followed me. If I walk somewhere and they are outside, they always follow me, and at first I had a big ego and I thought I was an awesome cat owner, but then I talked to a couple other people who also said their cats followed them when they walked outside. I thought cats were indifferent and they didn’t follow anyone – only dogs did that. But I was wrong.

The cats followed me, and we walked down the street, and I quietly called Conner. I saw an orange cat and thought it was him, but it ran away from me. Then I found that Conner was already home sitting on the porch waiting for me, so I found him anyway. But I noticed while walking how wonderful and quiet it was. The snow damps the noise. The crows were flying and cawing, and I remembered camping in the winter and hearing the crows and ravens talking. They have a strange language.

The only thing I didn’t like about camping was, it was lonely. I was there all by myself. I should have had a companion. I had to go to town, not only to eat, but also just to be with people.

I can feel the quietness today, and it should always be like this. I woke up with a special feeling of peace and anticipation. The usual screaming stress noise in my brain was either gone or reduced. It’s not just because I quit caffeine. It happened on holidays even when I was using caffeine. There is a special feeling, and there is no reason why today would ‘feel’ any different than any other day – it is absolutely because of radio frequency attacks being changed somehow. The feeling is a physical sensation that something is better, something is peaceful, something is happy and nice and good, the way it’s supposed to be. The rest of the time, it is evil constant torture for nothing.

The United States has the largest number of people in prison. We probably have the largest number of people on electronic ‘home arrest’ too, who haven’t been told that they’re arrested or why. The United States government needs to lose all of its gold, so that the world no longer believes we have any gold backing up the dollar. Every single hoard of gold of the US government needs to be found and completely emptied.

Other governments will be just as evil, or more evil, than ours, so I don’t want this gold going to other governments either. I’d honestly rather it went to a bunch of pirates than to a government. The pirates will at least waste the gold on frivolous drunken parties, so that the gold gets distributed to businesses who provide those parties. Gold wasted on frivolous drunken parties is better than gold wasted on global mind control systems.

I’m hungry and I don’t have anything for breakfast, really. Nothing that I want. I’m unable to buy much food now because I’m out of money. I have only a little bit left in my account, and I have to call Mom and ask for more money. I’m getting grouchier as I eat – I’m eating corn chips and dry cereal, which is NOT what I want. And when I don’t eat what I want for breakfast, there is always a chance that I will go get coffee, when I’m frustrated enough.

‘This will pass.’ I know I’ll have a job soon. I’m just torn apart because I don’t really want to leave McD. I’m not so upset about leaving TB, although I did feel attached to the people there – yes, the Betas! I loved them. I couldn’t be really close and comfortable with them, but I loved them. I was an outsider, but I loved them anyway. I haven’t finished applying for a job because my mind is being attacked from all directions to make me unable to decide what to do.

This will pass, but I don’t want to take too many checks from my Mom. I don’t want to get in the habit of it. Unemployment is wonderful. I get to sleep as much as I want. This is the way it ought to be in the real world. If we weren’t slaves, that is how it would be.

You cannot trust anybody who isn’t a pure anarchist, if they talk about having a revolution and getting rid of the government we have. They will always want to replace it with some other particular individual, as though the particular individual is responsible for the government being bad, instead of the ENTIRE SYSTEM and EVERYONE IN IT, which means, thousands upon thousands upon thousands of government employees who all need to be fired, from every agency and every branch everywhere, all over the country and all over the planet. No, revolutionaries are often fooled by the belief that one particular person will fix it, and the paid trolls who are paid to infiltrate revolutionary groups will spread this belief and corrupt their purity.

I read somewhere not too long ago that ALL violent revolutions, throughout history, have ALWAYS been sponsored and backed by an enemy group, regardless of who it is – some group who has an interest in getting rid of a particular government. Revolutions are never spontaneous and they never happen without the financial backing of someone who wants that government taken down. Revolutions are never innocent and pure, never based on pure theories, never based on pure anarchism, and never have the goal of ‘take down this leader and this system, and replace it with nothing.’

It’s impossible to replace a system with nothing. You have to replace it with guardians who do nothing, forever and ever and ever, for the rest of eternity, guardians who do nothing except prevent the formation of government. The guardians themselves must somehow resist the temptation to become the government. All government must be merely a placeholder that blocks government from forming, like caffeine is an antagonist for… I’d have to google it, but basically, caffeine blocks something, one of the receptors, so that the usual molecules cannot access it. However, I don’t want to make a caffeine analogy, because I believe caffeine is unhealthy, whereas this concept of government-blockers is supposed to be a healthy idea. The analogy is that when those receptors are blocked, the other neurotransmitters are free to run around and do whatever they want, because nothing is stopping them. You just can’t analyze the analogy too closely.

I would still want to explore outer space. For the last few years I’ve been saying that I want myself to be the dictator, instead of saying I want pure anarchism (which is contradictory and impossible – it requires the guardians, the blockers, as I said above). But space can be explored by private individuals with enough money.

I’ll probably think of more later, but I’m going to post this. The caffeine cravings aren’t overwhelming right now, but it will be bad when I go out to Weis to get food. I don’t know when Weis closes today for the holiday. It might even be noon or something, so maybe I should hurry.

Jesse’s mom invited me for Thanksgiving when I was there last week, however, Jesse suddenly stopped speaking to me yesterday, and I haven’t gotten any replies from him since then. So I don’t know if I’m really going to his house. I mean, I could just walk over and knock on the door. Somebody would let me in, and the rest of his family would be happy to see me, but Jesse himself might throw me out, I don’t know. I’m not sure what’s bothering him – it has something to do with our attempts to apply at the temp agency. The last thing that he answered was, I told him I was applying at Domino’s (I haven’t done it yet, but I have the paper). He said ok, and that was the last time I was able to reach him. He has been upset because of our
difficulties applying for jobs and getting better jobs, both of us. I don’t know how long he will be ignoring me, and I also haven’t decided when I will gate-crash his house and just barge in when he’s not speaking to me, since his mom already invited me, I just don’t know what time. I don’t want to get in the way of the preparations, either. I don’t know if I have the gall to gate-crash Jesse’s Thanksgiving, when one member of his family invited me, but Jesse himself started ignoring me yesterday and not responding. Steve called yesterday and asked what I was doing, so I can go somewhere with Steve for Thanksgiving. That might actually be kind of fun. I imagine we could go to a church somewhere and get a free meal or something. There are lots of places to go.

Still off caffeine – Day 5; thinking of a ketogenic diet again for my chronic fatigue

November 26, 2014

12:05 PM 11/26/2014

I decided to get an application for Domino’s Pizza. I used to enjoy making pizzas when I worked at Weis. Domino’s is right near me, much closer than McD and TB were.

I’m trying to accept that I just can’t go back to McD. They’re not going to clean up the pesticide. I don’t know how much cleaning they’d have to do.

********
I want to try a ketogenic diet now, because of my extremely low energy levels and chronic pain all over my body. But I don’t have the money to even go grocery shopping at this point. I mean, I kind of do, but basically I have to resolve the money problem before I can try new foods. I will need to buy a lot of grassfed meats and fats.

I haven’t filled out the application for Domino’s yet. I’m still in denial. I don’t want to accept that I can’t go back to McD.

I’m still off caffeine today but I was extremely tempted when I went to the grocery store. Apparently ‘they’ did not ‘push the button’ to make me go buy a cup of coffee.

Switching to a ketogenic diet will be very hard, because I will have to prepare all my food myself. I mean, I guess I could go out and buy burgers without buns, and stuff like that, at fast food places. I could buy a hot dog without a bun at Weis. This is going to be very hard to do, and I need to resolve the job situation and the money situation first. I should call my parents and tell them what’s going on.

I’m doing laundry; Adecco website fails again

November 25, 2014

11:04 AM 11/25/2014

The Adecco website was horrible. I complained about it the other day, and I don’t have the energy to continue complaining about it now. But, I finished filling out my paperwork and went in for the interview. Now I have to call them once a week to see if anything is available.

I called just today to ask if any of the food service jobs listed on the website were still available. On the website, they say the jobs are still open, and they still come up in the search results. The lady on the phone, however, told me those jobs weren’t open. BIG, BIG, BIG THUMBS DOWN AND EPIC FAIL for the entire website thing. The whole website is garbage.

I’m thinking of applying to Spherion. But right now, I’m doing the laundry, and I’m going to do nothing but that for now.

How do people ever do the laundry when they’re employed? When you work forty hours a week, there is no free time left to do things like laundry. And cook. And shop, and study new things so that you can learn and make progress and acquire new skills, and do personal projects, and spend time with loved ones, and do self-development, and simply experience life – No. This is what is wrong with the world. The entire workplace and economic system is anti-life. It is a slavery system. Rental payments, house payments, and real estate taxes are the heart of it, but the banking system and the government and everything else is part of it too.

Every one of us is a member of a primitive indigenous tribe that was taken over by the modern invaders. We may have been born in this country, we may have white skin, but as long as we are paying taxes and do not acknowledge the legitimacy of this government, we are victims of an invasion. I do not acknowledge the legitimacy of this government. It is not my government. It is an invading hostile group of slaveowners.

Headache is gone this morning

November 25, 2014

9:41 AM 11/25/2014

The caffeine withdrawal headache is gone. I slept badly, but finally fell asleep. I woke up and noticed the headache was gone, but now I can feel pain in many parts of my body. My neck is so sore that I can’t even turn it. It’s colder outside and the sky is cloudy, so I know it will be a bad day.

The reason why I’m not trying to get a normal job is because I have the delusion that I will be able to get a better job through the temp agency. I’ve been laid off several times before when I got jobs through the temp agency, got hired permanently, and then either the business shut down or else they laid off a bunch of people due to economic ups and downs.

I know I could get another normal job in an instant, I’m just in denial about the fact that I have to. I’m still persisting in my attempt to get a job through the temp agency. I have this idea that maybe, somehow, this time it will work differently. Last time, when I did temp jobs years ago, I’d earn a higher hourly wage during the job, but then have so many days off in between jobs that all that extra money would get used up. I HAD TO have a second job someplace with a flexible schedule where I could work a few days a week when I wasn’t doing the temp jobs. I did okay when I worked for several temp agencies at one time, and would tell the others that I wasn’t available during the times when I had jobs.

I will continue to stay off caffeine today. I know that the pills work really well if you go a couple days in withdrawal, and then take them again, but that only lasts for a few hours and then it’s back to normal, the ‘normal’ where you might be functioning at a *slightly* higher level than you do when you are completely without caffeine, but not much – you just tend to obsess over things, and read the internet for hours, and stuff like that. If the really good time of
functioning at a super-high level lasted for days and days and days, then it might be worthwhile. It lasts about long enough to do a job application, but I am physically capable of doing job applications without being on caffeine, especially if I am fully in withdrawal and back to normal. The caffeine effect just never lasts long enough for me to make a really prolonged effort at a long term goal for days and days and days.

Caffeine withdrawal: Akathisia, nausea, constipation, insomnia, body pain, pounding headache

November 24, 2014

I slept a lot during the day today. I’ve slept tons and tons the last couple days, and the only reason I can do that is because I am unemployed right now. But now, I can’t sleep. I’m going to bed early, going to bed when it gets dark, and since it’s the end of November, it gets dark early, so I am sleeping A LOT.

But now, at this moment, I can’t sleep. I feel nauseated and constipated. Caffeine has a laxative effect, so when you stop, you temporarily become constipated. Everything slows down. I ate a particular food earlier today which had a laxative effect, and so I can do that again if I have to.

I’m lying in bed tossing and turning. My head is pounding
rhythmically with pain. Every part of my body hurts, every joint, every bone, every muscle. I just took a gentle walk out in the sun today, but that gentle walk caused every bone to hurt. I’m lying in bed, and I would describe this as ‘akathisia,’ restless movement caused by unbearable discomfort all over your body. I’m kicking my legs, kicking, kicking, kicking constantly, even though my hips hurt from the slow gentle walk that I took today. I’m rolling over in bed into one position, then another position a minute later.

I could fix it all with just a cup of coffee, but I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to cut back gradually. I can’t. I know from experience that ‘cutting back gradually’ means ‘quitting for a short period of time, then going full throttle again into ten cups of coffee and Vivarin pills every day.’ As soon as I have that one little cup of decaf to relieve the withdrawal symptoms, I am back again full speed into constant coffee drinking every day. ‘Cutting back’ does not work for me.

I’m even seeing stars. Good grief. Well, that lasted only a moment.

I’ve got insomnia now, although for the last couple days I’ve gotten a lot of sleep at all hours of the day and night. Again, this is only because I am unemployed. I’ve got to get my rent payment ready, and then I will have a tiny amount of money left which will instantly vanish. I am in denial and I cannot comprehend that this is inevitably going to happen. I still, to this day, haven’t learned to be a nomadic hunter-gatherer living without money. I still need to use a plug outlet to run my dental drill to remove my dental fillings, which is one of the last reasons why I absolutely have to live in an apartment right now.

I know I will be okay from this caffeine withdrawal. It won’t last much longer. The headache lasted all day today, and I know from experience that it won’t go much longer than that. Tomorrow, after the headache, will be the day when I actually start to feel better again, I think.

I still haven’t worked out how I am going to force myself to do mundane chores, set goals, and make improvements in my life. All of my improvements, all of my progress, were completely 100%
drug-induced. I insist that I will live without drugs, but that might mean a life without progress. It might not. Maybe I know things now that I didn’t know back then. We’ll see.

I’ve been so sick I can’t even lie in bed reading Harry Potter. I gave up on trying to read. I will just spend a little while tossing and turning, and eventually I will sleep, and tomorrow, it is very likely that the headache will go away.

I’m in caffeine withdrawal – bad mood, hating the world, hating the way we are forced to live, and I’m still unemployed

November 24, 2014

10:24 AM 11/24/2014

I’m still in denial about having no income. Nothing is being done. I’m just sitting here continuing to live my life, and I’m also studying an HTML book from the library, just practicing a few of the things in it, but very slowly.

I’ve quit caffeine a couple days ago. The withdrawal symptoms are not severe yet. I have a headache today, and it’s constant, but not horrible. I guess I wasn’t using the super-strong coffee that causes a super-severe withdrawal. The only coffee that every really did anything for me was Starbucks. I don’t know what’s different about it, but it’s much stronger, and when I’m drinking a lot of Starbucks, I can do ambitious projects like keeping track of my money – I always used to go sit at Starbucks and sort through my receipts and write it all down in a book.

There is something wrong with the world, for it requires everyone to move so fast and be so aggressive and competitive that the only way most people can do it is by using lots of drugs. And the drugs people are using are getting more and more dangerous, more and more universal, all the psychiatric drugs on top of all the stimulant drugs, illegal drugs, and legal but harmful drugs like tobacco and alcohol.

It’s hard to motivate myself to study a book about how to make web pages when I still don’t know exactly what web pages I will be making, what I will be selling. For example, I’m not happy about making yet another long hair lovers web page. There is always a need for more of those. However, it bothers me merely to make a page collecting the long haired people who already exist, instead of making more of them out there in the world. I would rather start a movement to *convert* people to growing their hair long, to change minds, to change lifestyles.

The people who control the world have monopolies over people’s basic needs. You pay your utility bills for electricity and water, and those companies collect your name and address and remember who you are. You buy a house and a piece of land to live on. The government taxes you and won’t let you live on that land unless you pay those taxes. They know who you are and where you are, and they’ve made laws so that you can’t just buy a piece of land secretly without telling the government that you did. A law requires your children to go to school, all children. Some people can opt out of school and homeschool their kids, but that’s not always easy to do, and they will fight you, and they are continually fighting to stop people from homeschooling. The media: Cable companies have also got a monopoly, granted by government. You can’t just start your own cable company and then show whatever you want on TV. You can’t get money without the banks – it’s a government monopoly. You can’t start a business without telling the government and paying taxes. As soon as you start a business, the government must be told who you are, where you are, and who all your employees are.

All of those monopolies are in a position to control you.

In order to create a movement to convince people to grow their hair long, we would have to start with the employers. It would have to be mandatory in the workplace: you would be forbidden to cut your hair or shave. Usually, the opposite is true – you are required to keep your hair short or shave for the workplace, and someone who doesn’t shave is unemployed and homeless. In order for this to work, the employer would have to give people enough hours that they could afford to live with only one job, because growing your hair long and not shaving would conflict with everyone’s second job – you can’t live with only one job. At their second job, they would be required to cut their hair and shave, so they’d have to get rid of their second jobs. People could be required to keep their hair tied up out of the way so it wouldn’t be dangerous, but you have to be careful how you do that, because if you do it improperly, you get traction alopecia, baldness caused by constant pulling. It’s permanent. It usually starts around the front sides and top.

Anyway, that was because I’ve considered starting a web page about long hair, but I don’t really like the idea of that. It’s just not enough. I can’t put all my energy into doing something that I don’t believe is really useful in the world. In order for a web page to succeed, you have to put ALL OF YOUR LIFE into it, for YEARS.

I’ve never found a goal that seemed so worth doing that I was willing to put all of my life and all of my time and all of my energy into it until it was done.

I haven’t been accomplishing anything while being on caffeine all this time. The only thing that really did make me accomplish more was transdermal tobacco. The one time when I dug that little garden next to the duckpond, I was under the influence of transdermal tobacco and transdermal ephedra. That was the *only* reason why I was able to dig a garden and plant things in it.

I don’t know what my energy level will be like as the caffeine wears off. I read several blog posts by people quitting caffeine, and many of them seem to agree that it doesn’t really get completely out of your system for about two months. Two months is the time when several bloggers agree that they feel they’ve stabilized after quitting caffeine. I agree, you can’t just do it for a couple days. That’s not enough.

I have quit cold turkey. I’m not trying any of this ‘slowly cutting back’ crap, because I know from past experience how that always goes. There is something about decaf coffee, where it doesn’t satisfy you, it only makes you want more, and you will move back up to regular coffee very quickly. Some people are able to continue drinking, perhaps, a single cup of decaf coffee every day for years. Good for them. Those are people who live by routines and do the same exact thing every day, and they probably eat healthy meals three times a day too, so they aren’t starving like I usually am. I use coffee as a hunger suppressant and food substitute.

Some guy on a web page claims that caffeine is NOT a hunger
suppressant. Well, guess what – he’s some guy on a web page. He claims he’s a doctor or some authority figure who knows what he’s talking about. But whatever, I know that when I wake up in the morning, starving, and the first thing I do is pop a couple caffeine pills and drink a cup of instant espresso, and suddenly I’m not hungry anymore, then caffeine is a hunger suppressant. If I don’t pop those pills and drink that cup of coffee, then I absolutely have to have some real food in the morning when I get up. Caffeine *IS* a hunger suppressant, and it is very effective.

So, I am cold turkey right now, not ‘slowly cutting back.’ I will have to stay 100% cold turkey with zero exceptions, perfectly. A foot in the door, a slippery slope, whatever you want to call it – one mistake, and I’m instantly back to drinking a hundred cups a day. Having voices controlling you in your mind does not help with this – it’s often been the voices who have commanded me to go get coffee.

This means: zero chocolate, zero coffee, zero Vivarin pills, zero tea, zero soda. I could drink sodas that don’t have caffeine, but there’s no point in that. That’s merely a need for sugar and calories, which I ought to fulfill by eating food. I could get a caffeine-free drink in an emergency, if there was nothing else around.

That’s another thing about the workplace. We are forced to live this way. Every workplace, all workplaces, are designed to suppress and ignore human needs. We are not allowed to eat at work. We might be given one tiny, pathetic fridge which is shared by everybody, which means other people are always going to be pushier than you and take up all the space and then leave their garbage there for weeks. I need to eat almost constantly when I’m working. I do not do well if I go four or five hours without eating anything at all. I do not get up at 4am and produce a 2,000 calorie breakfast for myself with eggs cooked in beef tallow, with sausage and potatoes and fish and a bowl of fresh fruit and a cup of whole raw milk. I’d like to, but I don’t. It would be more likely to happen if I lived in a single apartment and had my own fridge and stove, so that I’m not waking anyone up by cooking at 4am.

I also cannot eat a huge amount of food in one sitting. My stomach has never been the same since I had that stomach problem in 1998 or whenever it was, for months. I can only eat the freshest foods. Raw meat just vanishes, literally melting in your mouth, and if I could accept being constantly full of parasites, then I might eat raw meat. I could eat large amounts of raw meat, I’m sure. Anything that is fresh and high quality, I can eat more of.

The workplace is designed to destroy all human life. Everything about it is wrong in every way. You’re forced to wear clothing,
uncomfortable and unnatural clothing. You are forbidden to socialize, to touch people, to express love, to have sex, to hug people. You’re not allowed to eat. Whatever you produce will be instantly given away to somebody else, and in return, you get this weird, abstract, incomprehensible thing, a paper paycheck, or a deposit in the bank, and that is the result of your work, always. There is no other way of working besides that. Never, never, never, never shall you be allowed to go out into the world, work for hours to produce something, and then take it and use it for yourself directly. You shall not provide for yourself directly from the land, never, never, never. Your work shall never be yours, but instead shall always be translated into this abstraction of money. Then you shall go to the grocery store. You shall pay rent, but you shall never build the house yourself, and if you do build the house yourself, you shall not collect the materials yourself, but you shall buy them at the store, buy them from suppliers, and have groups of people paid to build the house for you. You will never just collect the sticks and make a mud daub house with your own hands.

Intentional communities can never be completely free, because they have to own the land they live on, and pay rent to the government, which means all of their people are slaves to the economy. The only way to be free is to live on the land without paying anybody anything, and you can only do that if you are just a single individual not attracting attention to yourself, not a large group.

My head is hurting more and more as I write this. I’m in caffeine withdrawal.

All I know is that everything about the whole world is wrong in every way. It’s wrong that we have to earn money, wrong that we have to work for someone else without keeping the things we produce. It’s wrong that we can’t just live on the land without paying anybody. It’s wrong that the entire society is brainwashed to love the government, so that even if you could somehow resist the government, all of your neighbors would still turn you in and turn against you. Your neighbors are just another arm of government, all of them. Everything about this world is wrong, and I know it because here I am unemployed, quitting caffeine, having been poisoned by pesticides and forced to quit my jobs. And I’ve been forced away from the life I should have led, a life of raising children, learning, teaching, gathering my own food, exploring, experiencing the world. Instead I became a mind control victim who cannot even think a single thought of my own for even a second, for no reason, when I am a threat to no one.

I know that when I go into caffeine withdrawal, I feel despair. It hasn’t been bad yet, but the weather is amazingly, impossibly warm right now. It’s so warm, my body doesn’t hurt much. When it gets cold, my whole body will hurt. When the sky is covered in clouds, I will despair. Those will be the times when I want coffee the most. I can live without it today, with this headache, and not much despair and not much pain. The coffee is a strong painkiller, very effective, along with a hunger suppressant. It lets me pretend that I don’t hurt and I’m not hungry. It lets me pretend that it’s okay to live this life the way the world forces you to live it. It lets me pretend it’s okay to go to a job every day to earn money, to be poisoned by chemicals, to be malnourished by bad foods, to be ignorant and never learn the things I really need to learn, to never have the skills I need, to be socially isolated and surrounded by hostile neighbors who are all brainwashed arms of the government, just waiting to turn me in for the slightest nonconformity.

I’m in a bad mood. I’m keeping a health journal on paper, writing down what I eat. It’s mostly a food journal, I guess. I’m also tracking my ovulation and periods there.

Soon, I will run out of money, right after I pay my rent. I have enough for that, and then there will be a trivial amount of money left, which will vanish instantly. I’ll have to call Mom and beg her for money and tell her that I’m trying to get a temp job. Temp jobs don’t work – I know from past experience – you CANNOT just have a temp job and nothing but a temp job – you HAVE TO keep a second, long-term, permanent job on the side, like McD and TB. But I was forced out of McD by pesticides, and forced out of TB, and I cannot go back. I just can’t. Now I’m happily unemployed and I’m gonna get in the habit of being happily unemployed. I’m seeing Jesse almost every single day, which is wonderful.

I don’t believe in the ‘lazy’ kind of unemployment. I believe in the ‘self-reliant’ form of unemployment. I don’t believe that all of mankind should just sit around and do nothing while the magical fairies get our food for us. I just believe that we should live on the land for free, no rent, no tax, no land ownership, and collect our food through hunting, gathering, and *SMALL SCALE* farming without toxic chemicals. There should not be people chopping down gigantic thousand-year-old trees that are twenty feet across. The only way to stop them from doing that is to forbid the use of metallic objects, because the only reason Native Americans and other indigenous people do not chop trees down is because they cannot – they have no metal. You can’t chop down a thousand year old tree with a stone axe, and so they just don’t try. They *do* harvest planks of wood from live trees, which is wonderful to me – the trees stay alive.

I’m going to post this. My head is killing me, I’m grumpy and hungry and want caffeine. I know that’s what I want now. I feel like I’m hungry, but I have a craving for coffee.

I need to get ready to go walking with Jesse. He and I are going to town so he can do a job interview at Adecco. I already did my interview and finished my paperwork, and now I have to just call them once a week and keep in touch and see if any jobs are available. Again, this WON’T WORK, I know from past experience, and this whole thing was BADLY DONE because I was ripped away from McD and TB instead of being allowed to keep them as a second job on the side while also doing temp jobs. But now it’s too late, my life is a mess, and I’m going to start taking money from Mom and Dad. This is NOT GOOD and I do not want to keep living this way.

quitting caffeine again

November 22, 2014

For whatever reason, somebody suddenly decided tonight that I’m quitting caffeine. 😦 I wish I could quit it permanently, but in order to do that, I must fix the factors that affect my usage of caffeine. I need a fridge so I can eat anything I want quickly and easily without hesitation at any time of the day or night, and so that I can have as much food as I want without fighting for territory in the fridge. I primarily use the caffeine as a food substitute when I wake up in the morning, so I must have instant access to a filling breakfast every day, immediately when I wake up. The caffeine suppresses my hunger so that I don’t have to go downstairs and get anything to eat. It makes me not want food. I must have constant access to good food, which means I need the mini fridge in my bedroom right away if I’m going to do this. I’m having problems using the fridge in the kitchen because of the limited space, and because I have to put clothes on to go down there, when usually I’m only partly dressed or not dressed at all in my room. I also have to socialize on the way down there if someone is in the living room, and if I’m not in the mood to interact with people, then I won’t go down to the kitchen. It’s going to be impossible to resist urges to go to Weis, which is within walking distance, to get a bottle of coffee or soda or a chocolate bar. Soda, tea, coffee, and chocolate are all forbidden. Chocolate cannot be used as a substitute; neither can tea – all contain forms of caffeine that metabolize and change into caffeine in the body, or have similar effects. I cannot substitute some other herbal stimulant either. It has to be nothing.

The goal is to get my spontaneous motivation back. It was Peter Breggin who summarized it for me: Caffeine causes obsessive behavior and gets rid of spontaneous behavior. Amen. Amen! Amen! Caffeine suppresses spontaneous behavior and replaces it with obsessive behavior! This must stop!

I’ll be keeping a detailed health journal again.

November 22, 2014

4:28 PM 11/22/2014

I’m going to probably get myself a mini fridge again. I need to start eating all the food that I’ve been keeping in the fridge. I’m going to run out of money.

I am in denial. The money is about to run out, but I’m acting like everything is fine. I cannot go back to McD. I haven’t been assigned a temp job yet.

I have also not yet been given the go-ahead from the ‘Powers That Be’ to remove my dental fillings, which is the primary reason why I’m living in an apartment instead of camping. I just need a plug outlet to work this drill.

I was getting closer to all of these goals when all of a sudden, surprise surprise, an unusual and unexpected disaster happened, which suddenly stopped me from achieving anything! Totally unexpected! As usual! All of a sudden my employer sprayed so much pesticide all over the entire building so that I cannot even walk in there for a couple minutes without becoming deathly ill.

All I need is lots and lots of time off. I’ll be able to troubleshoot my health problems, learn new skills on the computer and read books for free from the library and become able to get a better job… I’ll keep a diary of what I’m eating and what I’m doing so that I will know in detail what is causing my illnesses…

I just bought a spiral notebook to keep a daily health journal in. I used to keep a detailed journal, in the distant past, like wayyyy distant past, college and just after college. I kept track of the foods I ate and the symptoms I experienced. Those notes were how I figured out that, for some reason, drinking Coca-Cola causes dandruff! I’d have very noticeable dandruff outbreaks on all the days when I drank Coke. I have this new spiral notebook, and hopefully I won’t start filling it up with non-health-related stuff. I should get another notebook for that, and keep everything health-related in here, all in one place, so it’s easy to find.

I’m keeping track of my periods now. I haven’t kept track of my menstrual periods for YEARS AND YEARS, and the reason is, I no longer get calendars. It used to be a tradition for my parents to buy me a calendar every year for Christmas, but I sadly told them to stop. I don’t like calendars anymore. Nobody makes any that have any photos that I like. I’d have to make a custom calendar with custom photos, or else buy a plain calendar from an office supply store, with nothing but dates written in black and white, and no photos at all. I just haven’t had a calendar, so I never circle the day I get my period anymore. I was taught to circle the date when it begins every month, and then put X’s on the rest of the days of the bleeding, so you can predict what day it will come next month, if you are regular. I was never perfectly 100% regular, but I was *mostly* regularish. I could get a general idea of when my period would probably start.

Now I’m doing it to keep track of ovulation. The broken condom incident made me decide to start paying attention to this. I’m now going to start paying attention to when my sexual arousal increases, and when my LH surge actually happens if I am able to catch it with the ovulation tests. Since I’m out of money, I probably won’t be able to afford to buy lots more ovulation tests.

I’m spending a huge amount of money on many miscellaneous things, including things like $10.00 for a thin, flat pack of smoked salmon (wild caught, no preservatives, no artificial pink coloring that claims to be chemically identical to the natural colors, blah blah blah). Sometimes, I will sit there and wolf down that entire pack of salmon in one sitting, if I’m hungry. It’s Spence & Co. brand. For whatever reason, that stuff is much better quality than canned salmon, and I actually enjoy eating it. I have to force myself to choke down the canned salmon, and usually a lot of the can goes to waste, sadly. I do not like any canned food at all, and usually have great difficulty forcing myself to eat it.

Anyway so I’m keeping track of my periods and my ovulation now. I sort of want to prove to myself that I’m actually ovulating. This mystifies me: am I really still fertile? Am I really ovulating at all? I’m going to try to catch the LH surge with the ovulation test, and I’m going to try doing all the things they talk about on the internet. Right this moment, millions of women are sticking their fingers up in their vaginas and poking their cervixes to feel the softness or hardness, the position, the mucus type, and whether the os is closed or open. Just go to a ‘TTC’ forum (trying to conceive). You’ll need a glossary of all the abbreviations.

Why is it that there are some women of childbearing age who have been having unprotected sex regularly for years and years without getting pregnant, even though they want to and are doing everything they can? What causes this infertility? Why is infertility so common? Are we, too, being vaccinated without our consent, like the Africans?

Another thing I spent a lot of money on was helping a random stranger. I went to Weis Market. An old guy was in front of me in the line. The cashier had been asking if people wanted to donate a dollar to veterans or something like that. The voices in my head, at that moment, told me that I myself was going to donate to the veterans, and I agreed I would do it.

Just then I noticed that the guy was looking, and looking, and looking through his wallet, with an air of increasing panic. He didn’t have the particular card he was looking for. He had no way to pay, and he had just gotten $60 of groceries. I saw his distress, and I moved up closer to him and offered to pay for it. And then, I just did. I paid $60 for groceries to help a stranger in distress, an old man who couldn’t find his card and was panicking. ‘Stuff happens,’ I said to him as an explanation. He was uncomfortable and shocked and disoriented, and wasn’t able to thank me, but I understood: it was a very awkward situation, and he was still too worried and preoccupied, wondering where in the world he had lost his card, wondering how he was going to do anything else he needed to do if he couldn’t find it.

I wasn’t asking for a thank you, I just wanted to do what needed to be done to fix it. But, that’s how I lost $60 at a time when I didn’t have much money left, myself. This is why I know that I will always be able to get help from random strangers if worse comes to worst and I need it. I could always just knock on some stranger’s front door and ask for food, and surely, someone would give me food. You will never starve as long as there are houses nearby.

I’m in denial. I’m going to run out of money soon. I’ll have to ask Mom for more, which means that I’ll be getting in the habit of taking money from them again, for long periods of time, because I’m addicted to unemployment. Unemployment is the only time when I can improve my skills and learn things. That’s the time when I start getting books and studying things with the fantasy that I’m going to get a better job or start my own business.

I hope I can keep doing this detailed health journal to track my symptoms.

I remember one reason why I quit tracking symptoms, years ago. It was because there were symptoms that had no cause. I was walking across the room, and then all of a sudden out of nowhere the vomit would rise in my throat when I wasn’t even sick. This was a radio frequency weapon attack, and I had no control over it. It was not the result of anything that I had eaten or of a virus. I stopped tracking symptoms around the time when I had symptoms that were being caused by things I had no control over. However, there are always things that result from my daily activities, foods, and chemical exposures, even though I am still being attacked (they almost never force me to have reflux like that anymore).

At the time when those incidents were happening, the hackers gave me a news article talking about the things that radio frequency weapons were able to do, and I recognized all the strange things that were happening to me. They wanted me to know I was being attacked. Why? Stupid/evil, that’s why. The only explanation of ‘why’ is ‘because they are stupid and evil.’

When the money runs out completely, something will need to be done. How long will I depend on checks from my parents? Will I be able to get a high paying temp job? Will I be *given permission* to finish taking out my dental fillings so that I will no longer absolutely have to have a plug outlet, so that I can go back to camping if I want to?

My boyfriend: a tragedy of the public school system, but I’m so happy to see that he is learning now

November 21, 2014

10:49 AM 11/21/2014

I went in to pick up my paychecks from McD. I had two of them. I’m having a really hard time typing this morning, so beware, this might be full of typos and spelling errors. I can barely type a couple words without transposing letters or just leaving off parts of words. I’m not sure what did it to me today. I’m very tired and having a hard time waking up this morning.

Jesse took me to McD. Through a complicated series of accidents, I ended up meeting him unexpectedly just as I was about to ride my bike on my own down to McD, and so he took me in the car instead. That was helpful.

We waited a while to pick up my checks. As always, I was very annoyed because I’ve tried over and over again to re-set up direct deposit, and they never did it, so I have to pick up paper checks. No other place of business gives you so much trouble setting up direct deposit. I know because I just applied for a job with a temp agency, and I just had to fill out a couple lines on one of the forms, and DID NOT EVEN HAVE TO GIVE THEM A VOIDED CHECK. That’s right! Just wrote down my account number and my routing number and said it was a checking account.

So Jesse and I waited for quite a few minutes because they were really busy. It was around 7:00 pm and I figured it might be an okay time to go there, but no, very busy as always. No one could run back into the office to get my check for me for like, twenty minutes. Jesse ordered food. Finally someone was able to stop what they were doing and run back into the office to get my checks.

Then Jesse took me home. Or maybe we went to his house, I forget. I’ve been giving him moral support while he studies, without actually helping him very much, and we might have gone and done that. He’s using a website to learn how to do math for the ASVAB. The website is usually pretty good, although I got annoyed about it one day because it was talking about eliminating ‘obvious answers,’ and it’s hard to define what exactly is ‘obvious.’ To me and Jesse, most of the time we were only able to eliminate obvious answers after the fact, after we had already chosen an answer. I didn’t like the word ‘obvious’ because it makes you seem stupid if it isn’t obvious to you. But Jesse is getting better at seeing the obvious answers that are wrong – he’s doing fine.

Yesterday we figured out that oftentimes my participation was harming him more than helping him. I’ve been interrupting his thought processes because it sounds like he’s suffering and needs help. He’s thinking out loud while struggling through these problems, and I hear his voice and instinctively want to jump in and fix it at the slightest sound of confusion, uncertainty, or frustration. He observed that he was getting the answers right if I wasn’t around, and he sent me out of the room for a minute to test it. He did better if I wasn’t there, so I promised him that I would just sit quietly looking at my library book instead of standing next to him interacting with him while he was working on the problems. It was painful for me to listen to him without interacting. Everything he said made me want to jump in. Every expression of emotion made me want to jump in and help ease his suffering, or laugh at how he expressed his feelings. (He watches a lot of comedians, and I think he’s picking things up from them.) But I sat there reading my own book.

I picked up some books about HTML from the library, for free – I’m not spending money on books only to abandon the projects later on. So, I got several books about things related to websites. Since he’s studying, it makes me want to study too, and I’ve been using the caffeine pills. The caffeine pills greatly affect my motivation. I was able to sit there quietly without interrupting him, unless he absolutely said strongly that he wanted help with something. I should ignore his mutterings and self-talk unless he specifically and clearly and directly asks for my help. His self-talk is merely part of his thinking process, and even though it sounds like frustrating and failure, it will always sound that way, because he is learning something new, and when you are learning something new, you are constantly failing as you struggle to understand it and incorporate it and integrate it and test it. You test something, and it’s wrong, and you test it again, and it’s wrong, and that’s how you learn a new idea.

This made me feel very, very humiliated and worthless and inferior and afraid of losing Jesse. I had underestimated him, and had been jumping in to help, as though I am somebody important, as though he needs me, when in fact he didn’t really need me. He was better off without me. That felt permanent and irreversible – like he might decide he’s better off without me FOREVER AND EVER, rather than just the two of us mutually deciding that I ought to sit quietly and keep my mouth shut instead of constantly interacting with him while he was in the learning process. It was a mutual decision that we noticed over several days of studying together. I had sometimes unofficially realized that I wasn’t helping him, and would just walk off and go do something else for a while, but maybe because of my caffeine pills, it had to be formally decided yesterday. My caffeine pills make me talk too much. So at one point he officially sent me out of the room and tested what happened if I wasn’t standing near him interacting while he learned and did the web page problems. That made me aware of it. I came back in and promised that I would not jump in, and I kept that promised, and only jumped in if he asked me directly. I had to suppress all my urges to talk back to him every time he made a sound or expressed a feeling.

I of all people, it seems, should have already known this. I have two experiences with it: my mom helping me too much, and the voices in my head interfering with my learning. My mom used to do things instead of letting me do them, and as a result, I didn’t learn. So, for example, I didn’t have a chance to assemble the toys and models and things like that when I was a kid. Now, I was a hyperactive kid, and there was a time when I would have done a sloppy job on everything, but I wish someone had shown me how to do it right and then let me try it and mess up. Sometimes, I just had no idea of the right way to do something. But I would have learned it on my own as an adult, if it had not been for the voices and mind control attacks.

With the voices, they would always interrupt me in my head while I was struggling to learn something or read something or think through an idea in my mind. They would interrupt me and tell me the ‘right answers,’ or what they thought were the right answers, if I was struggling to understand something difficult. It’s EXTREMELY counterproductive if it’s voices in your head, which are unstoppable and unavoidable and inescapable. Jesse was able to communicate with me and made me aware that I was interfering, and he and I were able to make an agreement that I wouldn’t be jumping in and interacting while he was learning. We settled it ourselves.

With voices in your head, THEY NEVER STOP ATTACKING. It makes no difference what you say to them. It makes no difference that you inform the voices that they’re harming you, not helping you. You can inform them about that a million, million times, yet they will still keep on attacking you and harming you, because either 1. they are evil, or 2. they are stupid. Evil people want to harm you on purpose for no reason (*edit, that implies that there could possibly be a good reason – I don’t want to imply that, because if you give them an inch, they will take a mile – so I must say, there would never be an excusable reason for this*). Stupid people think they’re doing a good thing for you in spite of the fact that you hate it, you constantly tell them to stop, and all the facts of reality are screaming that everything they’re doing is harming you.

The people using mind control weapons on me seem to be a combination of evil and stupid. They’re stupid because they might possibly believe some kind of religious brainwashing commanding them that they have to do this to people even though it destroys everything and everyone everywhere. The line between ‘stupid’ and ‘evil’ sort of blurs there. It’s just not possible to NOT KNOW that you are harming and destroying everything everywhere, and at some point, you have to be WANTING to destroy everything DELIBERATELY, because no one could be stupid enough to not see how much destruction they are causing.

Oh yeah, I got off on a tangent. Jesse and I went to McD to pick up my paycheck. And I said I didn’t remember what we did afterwards – I might have gone to his house, in fact I think I did. I’ve gone over there every night this week. Ever since he and I made peace – perhaps a tentative and reluctant peace – about the fact that he wants to join the military, and I’ll support his decision and his taking this test, even though I don’t want him to go die – since we made peace on that, he’s allowed me to spend lots and lots of time with him, sometimes helping him study, sometimes just quietly keeping him company, helping occasionally as needed, sometimes just enjoying being with him while I do my own thing and read my book.

His family is starting to like me. His mom seems to be an IEE/ENFP too, so she and I get along well. I’m always eating dinner over there now. I don’t want to take their food for free, so I’m always bringing my own food and snacks, but I cannot say no if they tell me it’s dinnertime and we’re all supposed to go up there. I still have to bring snacks, otherwise I will constantly want to eat something and be helpless and frustrated, because nobody on earth is willing or able to buy the types of food that I actually want to eat, especially not a large family with, perhaps, one income (I still don’t know if she works too, and still am not asking) and a whole bunch of kids. My parents can’t do it either – if I go visit them, I am constantly frustrated because the food that I want is nowhere to be found, and it’s almost impossible to assemble anything that will satisfy me – I can dig through the cupboards and find cans of soup, and bottles of olive oil, and things like that, and maybe possibly I might be able to patch together something edible (at my parents’ house) if I have permission to use anything that I find. I miss them and want to go for a visit very soon. I should do that as soon as possible… I need to make it an explicit goal… what is needed in order for me to do that? I would only have to inform the temp agency that I will be gone for a while.

I’m having a problem with McD.

Jesse and I went to McD. And I went on several tangents (I took two caffeine pills so far this morning). The next morning, after only having STOOD THERE outside the front counter for twenty minutes or so, I had the shakes, the tremors, the vibrations inside my body when I woke up the next morning and was lying in bed. Morning tremors, always caused by exposure to pesticides, for me personally. If I ever wake up with morning tremors, I know I’ve been exposed to pesticides in the past 24 hours. All I did was breathe. I went to McD, and stood there, and all I did was breathe. I didn’t go lie on the floor where they sprayed it. I did lean against a wall thingy, but I doubt they sprayed all over the wall out in the lobby, although I guess they might have! But I was merely there waiting for my paycheck for twenty minutes, and got such a heavy dose of pesticide that I had the shakes the next morning. This is extremely bad.

The conclusion is that I cannot go back to McD. And they mistakenly believed that I was going to. I had gone and talked to the store manager. He actually put me back on the schedule, after letting me be off for a couple weeks. I didn’t know I was on the schedule. Yesterday, someone from McD called and asked where I was. This set off an attack of screaming horrific fear. I am unable to talk to them. I could not answer the phone. I could not call back. I cannot explain to them, ‘Your pesticide is SO BAD that I am UNABLE TO EVEN STAND AT FRONT COUNTER for a few minutes without getting an extremely heavy, toxic exposure that makes me sick for an entire day!’

I just cannot go back to work there. It is as I said: they must wash every surface covered with pesticide, and perhaps it is in the ventilation now too, I don’t know. It is everywhere. I do not know the surfaces that they sprayed. But, I cannot work there, and I can’t talk about it – it looks, to all appearances, as though everything is normal. All the other employees are ‘fine,’ apparently. Just me. And when I’m there, I look like I’m ‘fine,’ too. I’m standing, I’m talking, I seem to be conscious, I’m not fainting and vomiting. But gradually, the unbearable suffering builds up, as I work there for hours, and as the stress increases, I fall apart. Last time I tried working, I ended up in the break room with my head down on the table, and then I walked out.

I can’t explain why it’s only destroying me, and not everybody else. I mean, I CAN. I can explain the theory: that some people, whether it be simply an accident of DNA, or perhaps damage caused by vaccinations and Weston Price deformities and a lifetime of the modern lifestyle, whatever the reason, my body cannot process large amounts of toxic chemicals. I can use the word ‘phenol sulfotransferase,’ and I could go print out a bunch of paperwork talking about this theory, but I can’t actually go to a doctor and say, ‘Will you test my phenol sulfotransferase levels and see if they’re normal?’ And, knowing the medical profession, they’d probably say everything is normal, but I am still suffering anyway (‘Doctor says you’re cured, but you still feel the pain,’ from that song – ‘No One Ever Is To Blame.’).

I just can’t talk about it with McD anymore. They don’t understand, and I can’t prove it, and I know they’re not going to wash down the whole store just for me, and then let me walk around there inhaling the fumes, only to say, ‘I’m still getting morning tremors after being here for twenty minutes. Sorry guys, you failed. Gotta wash it all again!’

It’s interesting, something about socionics. My reaction to LSIs. I always talk about how I hate the entire medical profession, and how they’re all LSIs. And yet, strangely, there are a couple exceptions to this rule – LSI doctors who are *different*. I somehow totally value the work they’re doing. They might not be LSIs, or they very well might be, I don’t know, but the point I’m making is that people can be the same socionic type, and I’ll hate one of them, but totally value and respect another one. I know Rick would understand – he wrote about that very thing, about how different members of the same type can have major differences (assuming they’re not mistyped).

Dr. Mercola. It’s funny how I found him. I was writing comments on some web page and I encountered a troll, shortly after I had been reading articles about paid ‘pro-state trolls,’ people who actually get paid money to sit around and write comments on the internet, brainwashing the public to feel uncertain and vulnerable, as though they are overwhelmed by a majority of people who believe that the government and the medical profession is always right. These trolls get paid to do nothing but that all day long.

I encountered one shortly after reading an article about this, and I just accused him of being a paid troll. We commented back and forth to each other, as he, of course, directly insulted me (personal attacks – typical). I forget his exact words, but he was calling me a creep. And I mentioned something about alternative medicine, and he said, ‘Blah blah Mercola creep,’ I forget what exactly he said. So I googled Mercola and started reading his website, and immediately subscribed to his RSS feed.

I think Dr. Mercola might be an LSI, although he could be some other type – I might be wrong. Maybe he’s an LII. I don’t know. For whatever reason, I really value his work, and I’m reading it every day. He has different beliefs from the mainstream medicine
propaganda, and he’s a doctor, and wears a necktie like the usual authority figure in his videos, but in spite of seeming like a mainstream respectable authority figure, he is not spouting evil garbage, but instead, saying things that are mostly accurate. Since no one is perfect, I still sometimes disagree with him, but amazingly, he seems to already know almost all of the things that I have learned that are important, and he’s even aware of Emotional Freedom Techniques and he advocates them every once in a while, and he’s also aware of some esoteric things like electromagnetic fields affecting us. I really enjoy reading his stuff and I sometimes learn things, or reinforce what I know and strengthen it.

The other incident with an extremely helpful LSI was just a couple days ago, and, strangely, it was Jesse who found him and showed him to me. This is what I mean when I say that even your conflictors are ‘speaking your language.’ They’re speaking your language, using your weakest areas, and using them really well, and when you see them using it well, you admire and respect that. (*Note: I just recently saw someone retype Michael Jackson as an ISFP instead of the usual ENFJ – I’ve seen a lot of people typing him as my conflictor and I was always like, ‘that explains why I can’t stand him!’, but actually when someone typed him as an ISFP, I said, ‘Hmmmmmm….’ and thought about it. It’s possible that I can’t stand an ISFP. It’s possible that I encountered an ISFP and felt that I loathed him and found him utterly repulsive and disgusting from the very first instant that I heard him in 1983, and loathed him utterly with every fiber of my body and soul and every cell in my body – and that somehow, he might not have been my socionic conflictor, but some other type, perhaps an ISFP. How strange!*)

Anyway, so Jesse found ‘The Human Calculator,’ and within a few seconds of hearing him, I typed him LSI. His strongest function is +Ti, which is a new and neverending stream of numbers and
measurements. Specific numbers. A long, neverending, infinite stream of new number data coming from the world at all times, valued and noticed and manipulated and calculated, with great strength.

(My cat Max strongly reminds me of one of my McD coworkers, Cody, who I typed as ESI, and he is the sister of another ESI girl who I like, Kelly. My cat even LOOKS like Cody somehow. I haven’t been able to figure out my cat Jacob’s type, but he’s funny, he expresses emotions a lot. His eyes widen with surprise, for instance, just like those horrible, disgusting photoshop pictures of cats with fake huge eyeballs – except of course when Jacob does it it isn’t horrible and disgusting, but, it’s funny – you wouldn’t think of a cat widening its eyes with surprise, but he does! He gets jealous, very jealous, if I give too much attention to Max, but he expresses his jealousy by withdrawing rather than pushing and getting in between us. He also becomes very annoyed if the litter box is not clean. Jacob
unfortunately is the victim of a hate crime against cats. Somebody cut off his testicles and the tips of his fingers with the claws. I’m not joking, I view neutering and declawing both as a hate crime against cats, and I believe both should be illegal. For your information, declawing doesn’t just remove the claws, it removes an entire joint below the knuckle. I’m assuming they’ve also been the victim of another hate crime, vaccination, but I have no way of knowing, since I never asked the girl who owned them.)

Scott Flansburg, The Human Calculator. Sociotype: LSI; Myers-Briggs type: ISTJ. Jesse found him and we watched some of his videos. This was interesting to me how Jesse was fascinated with him. Jesse frustrates me: I’m always telling him, again and again, that he must get out a pencil and paper to do these math problems, and he refuses. He insists that he must do all of the math problems in his head, no matter how long and complicated they are, no matter how many steps there are to perform, even with complex algebra problems. After a few seconds, he’ll try to guess the answer by intuition, click the answer on the multiple choice buttons, and move on to the next question.

Every once in a while, he will miraculously get it right by using this method, but he usually gets it wrong. On the times when he gets it right, he will be mumbling out loud his intuitive explanation for how he did this, and this, and that, and I can’t follow him, and I’m like, ‘What?… okay…’ and sometimes he’ll get the right answer. I’m very slow, and I have to write the whole process out on paper, but I almost always get the right answer.

A few years ago, I bought a book (I no longer have it) about how to do mental math, and Scott Flansburg was doing a lot of those tricks that I remember from that book. And suddenly, watching this video with Jesse, it became interesting to me and seemed worthwhile and valuable. Suddenly I became aware of just how horrible our public education system is. Why aren’t they explicitly teaching these things to children? Why are they still teaching them the same old things, the same old ways? Scott Flansburg isn’t the only person who knows this. There are many other people who know how to do mental math, people who know shortcuts to the methods of calculation that we were taught in school.

I could never do that – the zaps on my brain interrupt me every couple seconds, and all the numbers that I’m seeing in my brain get erased, and I have to start the whole problem over from the beginning, so I cannot do mental math at all. It’s like the numbers are written on sand at the beach, next to the ocean, and after a few seconds, the next wave of the ocean rushes in and erases all of my numbers in the sand. If I were inside a shielded room, I could probably do mental math and would not be constantly losing everything in my short-term memory.

I wasn’t able to do mental math when I was a child either, but that’s because nobody taught me the shortcuts. I used to do Math Field Day. I went to several math field day competitions. I never won anything higher than just the school level – I never won anything at the regional levels. I’d win at my school and go on to the next competition but couldn’t do anything at all at that level. Mental Math was one of the sections. I could not do it at all. Nobody ever taught me how.

Suddenly I’m seeing Scott Flansburg. I had that mental math book, but somehow, it didn’t make as much of an impression on me as watching Scott Flansburg doing a video, watching it with Jesse by my side, Jesse who’s been a victim of the public school system, Jesse, a 20 year old who can’t do fractions. Nobody ever gave enough of a fuck about Jesse’s education to sit down with him and explicitly teach him fractions, over and over until he could do it. Nobody had the WILL to sit down and do it until he succeeded. I HATE THE PUBLIC SCHOOL. They just gave up on him! They just let him go all the way through school without being able to do math! This is SO WRONG.

So he was amazed by Scott Flansburg. And suddenly I realized just how valuable this was. For whatever reason, Jesse is averse to writing any of it down on paper, but suddenly, here is this guy telling him, ‘That’s okay.’ Now granted, he’s doing simple arithmetic. He’s not doing long complex algebra equations.

I’ve had this feeling sometimes with Jesse that actually his math ability might be secretly at a genius level, but no one ever knew how to train him so that he could use it. He does it all by intuition. I can’t follow him. His logic is weird and bizarre, when he mumbles out loud how he’s doing it. It’s weird and bizarre and unexplainable, but yet, amazing. I have a feeling that if someone taught him the right way, if someone could only show him how to use this power, if they viewed it as a power instead of a weakness, then he would be a genius at it.

Our school system doesn’t customize the teachings by people’s personality types. They’ve known about Myers-Briggs types for a long, long time, and it gave me all this hope that maybe someday the school system would USE that knowledge to customize our teachings to different people’s learning styles – BUT NO. Jack shit. Our school system has simply gotten worse, and worse, and worse, and worse. None of the knowledge is being applied. We have all this knowledge of psychology, of personality types, of learning styles, of visual learners and tactile learners and intuitive learners and all that, of Howard Gardner’s seven types of intelligence or whatever it is – there are millions and millions of books that have been written about all the different ways that different people learn, all the different types of intelligence, emotional intelligence, and all that – BUT NOT A WORD OF THESE THOUSANDS OF BOOKS IS BEING APPLIED WITHIN THE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM TO ACTUALLY TEACH CHILDREN TO DO ANYTHING AT ALL.

I’ve had a third caffeine pill, by the way. Something is wrong with me this morning. There might be more caps locks than usual. I’ll rewrite that sentence without caps lock so it’s more readable. “But not a word of these thousands of books is being applied within the public school system to actually teach children to do anything at all.”

I’ve really been getting that feeling, by working with Jesse, by watching him while he studies and learns math – I’ve sincerely been getting that feeling that Jesse is secretly a genius. I’m not kidding. The school system let him slip by. He has all the damages of the modern lifestyle – the deformities, the poisons, the
malnutrition, the vaccines, everything. He’s probably being attacked by mind control, but he’s not aware of it as I am, so he cannot describe it to me. He slipped through the school system and he was viewed as somebody who had a weakness, a learning disability, and he was put into the dumb classes for hopeless cases. At least if I recall I think he told me he was put into a class for people with learning disabilities, I don’t remember though, I could be wrong. I thought he was.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter, even if he was in the normal class, nothing was done with him. It was just a place to go to receive babysitting and brainwashing.

I shouldn’t even be shocked by this fact. I’ve been reading complaints on the internet about how bad our school system is, for years. I’ve been reading about people who have concluded that homeschooling is the only solution. I’ve known about it. But yet, when I encounter a real-world example, I’m shocked. I’m like, ‘But how could they do that? Years and years and years of just babysitting Jesse and not doing anything with him at all? Just letting him come to school every day and sit there and fool around and struggle and suffer and fail, and nobody did ANYTHING ABOUT IT, in all those years???!’ It’s just unthinkable to me. I love him. I can’t imagine that nobody else loves him or gives a fuck about his education. It is just unimaginable to me that anybody would do this horrible thing, this huge and gigantic waste of time and money, paying teachers to do nothing, paying the school to be open, paying for everything required to run this school, and all it really does is it merely babysits people and keeps them in a physical location all day long, and tells them the government is awesome. That’s ALL… IT… DOES. Years and years of people’s lives are wasted here.

So we watched Scott Flansburg. And I realized, why aren’t these mental math techniques being taught in all the schools, right now? Why aren’t we being taught that we can do math faster and easier using this method instead of the method I was taught?

I am very pleased by watching Jesse’s progress as he goes through these math lessons to prepare for the ASVAB, but I wish it had been done sooner than this, in some other context besides applying for the army. It should have been done years ago, and it should have been done for a non-military purpose, to show him how math is used in the real world. You’re an engineer building a bridge, and you only have a limited amount of materials and money, so you can’t afford to waste anything. So, you’ve got to have all your calculations perfect the first time, before you actually build the bridge. That means you have to do all these complex calculations before you actually build it.

You can’t do what Jesse described. Jesse has built some things with wood, and he says that whenever something doesn’t fit, you just keep working at it until it does, like, shorten a piece of wood that’s too long, or something. Yes, that’s true, you can do that, but there are situations where that’s a bad way to do things. Sometimes it has to fit exactly perfectly. Sometimes you have to fit something together down to a tiny fraction of a millimeter. In those situations it’s best if you’ve done the math and get it right the first time. People need to do this and experience this to understand why they need math in the real world, why they need all this algebra and stuff. The school system did NOTHING to help Jesse experience any reason at all why he would ever need any math or algebra in the real world. It was just some pointless, meaningless thing that everybody was required to do, for no reason.

I just wish the entire public school system would be instantly vaporized and vanish off the planet, right this instant, setting everyone free and requiring them to learn things in the real world that they actually need. They could learn math, but they would learn it some other way, and they would learn it for a purpose. The world would be a much better place if the entire public school system vanished this instant, if the walls and ceilings of the schools suddenly disappeared, leaving everybody just sitting there under the sun. Find shelter! It’s cold! We’re sitting in the middle of an open field and the wind chill feels like it’s 5 degrees Fahrenheit! We are exposed to reality!

Who built these walls? How did they build them? Who built the buses that drove us here? How does it work? What happens when you don’t have those things? What happens if there are no walls and no buses? What happens when you are in an open field, with nothing there but the grass, and trees, and earth, and plants, and a few insects and small animals because there is nothing left alive anywhere, nothing left, as all the wild herds have been destroyed, and there is no food, nothing to hunt, no shelter anywhere. What do you do in this wasteland? How do you live?

So, Scott Flansburg, the LSI, got me excited about math again, mental math, alternative techniques, ways of doing things that are far superior to anything our schools are doing.

That reminded me about DOZENAL counting systems. I love dozenal counting systems, which use the number twelve as a base.

Jesse, and Scott Flansburg, have told me that mental math counting begins with the number zero, which you count on your fingers as the first number, zero through nine instead of one through ten. I must add, you can count two more numbers using your middle finger touching your thumb. That will give you dozenal counting on your fingers. I prefer to say ‘elf’ for eleven. I think it might be German that says ‘elf’ or something like that.

Scott Flansburg found a way that the images, the symbols of the Arabic numerals themselves, contain a number of angles that count out to be the number. Like, the number 8 has eight angles in the symbol. Following that line of reasoning, we need a single digit symbol for eleven and twelve. He found a way to make 9 fit that, and also a way to make 7 fit that, but you had to add a couple lines and curls. Perhaps there is a more elegant way to encode the information? This is about encoding. Sometimes information is encoded in indirect or invisible ways that cannot be understood unless you are given the key. Some sort of weird fractal, multidimensional thing. Maybe colors, ha ha. Something like, what’s it called when you associate numbers with colors, when your senses are mixed like you’re on LSD. I have to google it. Synesthesia.

And actually, I like using base 60, because it allows everything to be divisible by 5, too. Base twelve is good, but base 60 is better, and back in the old, old days, when everyone was smarter than they are now, in the world of the primitives, when the people were inventing the secret esoteric religions and the secret esoteric math systems and they were inventing writing for the first time, and inventing the counting systems for the first time, and inventing math for the first time, back then they knew that 60 was a special number, a magic number.

The stupid people of the future got rid of the number 60 and replaced it with the decimal system, which is much worse and much stupider, and they taught us that 60 was stupid and decimals were smart – the exact opposite of the truth. Only stupid people use the number 12 or the number 60 for anything. Why would anyone want to use such weird, inconvenient numbers when everything is simple and easy with the number 10? We will write laws forcing everybody everywhere to abandon the numbers 60 and 12, abandon any numbers that we can’t explain, and force everyone to just use 10 for everything, because we’re too stupid to appreciate the subtle nuances of why those primitive people are measuring things and counting things the way they do. Hence, the internet – where people have rediscovered those esoteric twelve-based counting systems and told the world the secret, that twelve is superior to ten, and sixty is also a very good number.

There’s more than one way to encode information. Anything that uses ‘magic’ is interesting – mental math, synesthesia, encoding things indirectly with angles and shapes and colors and pictures… anything they didn’t tell us in school.

I need to get up and go to the bathroom, because of all these doggone caffeine pills. I took three this morning. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I’ll go ahead and post this. I’m still struggling, and the struggle is unresolved. I cannot go back to McD, but yet, I have not begun working at a temp assignment yet. And I must ‘get permission’ from ‘the voices’ to leave the town of State College and go to West Virginia to visit my mother and father again before they die, because they are getting old and they could die any day. My mom fell out of the hayloft and broke her back a couple years ago, and she’s lucky to be alive. It was because of her pills and her lowfat diet, I’m sure of that. She’s on antidepressants, and also took Fossamax for osteoporosis, although I don’t know if she still uses Fossamax or not. Dad takes blood pressure pills, because his blood pressure climbed sky high as a result of his exposure to my transdermal ephedra, but he does not admit that my transdermal ephedra contamination is what caused his blood pressure to climb sky high. So now he takes pills as a result of me and my contamination, and so, his health is harmed by these pills. Both of them are eating a diet which is relatively low in animal fat. Mom just doesn’t eat enough in general, regardless of what it is. I remember going to their house and struggling to find any food, but being unable to go to the grocery store because I don’t have a car anymore. I was as trapped as I used to be as a child, a teenager, starving and searching for food and eating junk food, cookies, cereal, and cans of soup and Ramen noodle soup because that’s all we had. I was starving. I had no money and no job and no car, and I also had no knowledge of nutrition back then. That poor teenage girl, I know now – I know how to prevent that from happening again. My children will never starve.

I’ll go ahead and post this, go to the bathroom, and then reread it and find a bunch of typos and tangents where I forgot to go back and finish the tangent. Then I’ll probably complain about how horrible WordPress’s pages are and how reluctant I am to open up their pages so that I can edit this post, and how it’s easier to just send a new post through email, which is how I’m posting nowadays – I never use WordPress’s editor, it’s horrible, I don’t want to wait five minutes for a page to load, and be unable to use my favorite Opera browser (old version because the newer versions of Opera suck), when all it requires is, for the love of God, a fucking text entry box. Okay, posting now….

‘Asymptomatic’ trichinosis might not really be asymptomatic

November 17, 2014

2:40 PM 11/17/2014

‘Asymptomatic Trichinosis.’ The reason why wikipedia says that most cases of trichinosis are asymptomatic is because they get their information by dissecting cadavers in medical school. They dissect some dead person, and discover that that person’s diaphragm was full of trichinosis cysts, but they died from some other cause that had nothing to do with trichinosis. So it wasn’t the trichinosis that killed them; therefore, trichinosis is ‘asymptomatic.’

That’s because they didn’t know that person. That cadaver on the dissection table might have known very well that they had symptoms of something for a long time; or maybe they remembered the time when they ate raw meat or wild game and then had weird symptoms for days afterwards. It may be briefly or temporarily symptomatic for several days, then be asymptomatic for years afterwards.

Yes, I agree, once the parasites are in cysts in your muscles, you probably don’t know they’re there anymore. I myself do not actually feel any parasites in my muscles, although maybe if I could compare how my muscles felt at birth, and how they feel now, and directly compare those sensations, I might notice a difference.

But they’re not ASKING that dead person, ‘Did you ever remember feeling anything when you got trichinosis?’ They just assume that the person never complained about it, never went to the doctor about it, never mentioned it to anyone, and therefore, must never have felt any sensations at all, and they can justify calling it ‘asymptomatic.’ Just because the parasites are in cysts for years and they don’t cause you to die instantly doesn’t mean it’s asymptomatic. You could have decreased muscle functioning, but have no memories to compare it to, so you don’t notice that you’ve had a slow, gradual decline in your muscle function. Just because you don’t notice something, or just because you don’t bother complaining to your doctor about it, does not make it ‘asymptomatic.’

In fact, the symptoms of parasites are usually wrongly diagnosed as mental illness. After I had the trichinosis incident, I had another strange incident the next night while I was sleeping. The worms seem to have a circadian rhythm: they tend to cause the most disruption during the nighttime. I might still have been having problems with the trichinosis on that second night, or it might possibly have been food poisoning because I had eaten a few bites of hot soup from Weis and it tasted a little bit funny, but I stopped eating it after that. So I could have theoretically had ‘ordinary’ food poisoning, or, I could have still been suffering symptoms from the trichinosis infestation.

Whatever it was, on the second night, I was crazy and angry. I had bradycardia, a heart rate of 60 beats per minute, and I was extremely uncomfortable. I felt like I had a fever, and I was kicking, thrashing, convulsing, twitching, rolling over and over in my bed all night long. I wrote angry letters to Jesse because I believed I had gotten a drug residue exposure from him, so I thought he was using psychiatric drugs and lying and claiming he wasn’t (I’m still never 100% sure of this…).

When a person goes crazy from parasites, it seems to have this recurring pattern in all the victims: the person starts to blame some external source for their problems, and is focused on angrily blaming that external source, and there may be grains of truth in it, but somehow, it’s excessive, overblown somehow, inappropriate somehow, too extreme and too prolonged and too angry in circumstances where that person hasn’t really done anything to you at that particular moment. For instance, I might go on an extremely angry rant blaming the government for things. And yes, it’s true, the government is horribly evil, but you can just tell from the writing style that a person is ranting more than usual, ranting with extreme anger, making
typographical mistakes and grammar mistakes, and just too excessive in their blame somehow.

It’s like it’s analogous to the battle going on inside your body. Your immune system is trying to catch these parasites. The parasites crawl quickly through your tissues, and the cells can’t keep up with them. Your whole body has been alerted to the presence of an intruder, but you can’t find it. Cells and tissues are reporting that the intruder passed through here a minute ago, but they don’t know exactly where it went, and nobody was able to grab on to it and hold it. Gradually, you might have enough white cells on the alert that some of them are awake and ready to grab it right when it passes through a tissue, and they grab on and they don’t let go. Then they attack it with whatever weapons they use, and it starts to curl up and form a cyst to protect itself, and then, it hibernates. Or that’s how I think the process goes.

When you start angrily ranting at an external source of all your life’s problems, while under the influence of parasite-induced brain craziness, it really is very analogous to the immune system in your body. You become paranoid, thinking that somebody might have done something but you can’t prove it. You have this feeling that somebody far away might be doing something that you can’t see. Meanwhile, inside your body, your entire immune system is doing that exact same thing, sending and receiving messages that there’s an intruder, I saw it just a minute ago, an alien worm breaking through this tissue over here and moving into that tissue but now it’s gone and I couldn’t catch it – the frustration of just missing something, not knowing the truth, not understanding, nobody being able to catch it, having to tell everybody and put them on alert and get someone else to watch out for it.

I have had several incidents where I behaved exactly that way while sick from parasites, when my brain was affected. I truly believe that the reason why I act that way is because my immune system is also ‘acting that way,’ inside me, sending those exact signals – there’s an evil intruder doing something bad, but I can’t quite see what it is and I can’t quite catch it! I think you are feeling what your immune system feels, perceiving your own immune system signals as though they are emotions, and translating them into your social interactions (that guy is lying to me, the federal government is taxing us all to death, my boyfriend is lying to me, etc).

The emotional-social system is, actually, connected with and intertwined with the immune system. Perhaps they directly perceive each other’s feelings. Perhaps some emotions and some social relations are so connected with the immune system that they influence each other and ‘speak the same language’ in the body.

So I sent Jesse some email suggesting that I was reacting to a secondhand drug exposure from him, and I thought that was why I had bradycardia. I actually apologized the next morning, saying that I was very sick that night and didn’t really know what I was saying and it wasn’t really his fault. I had decided that the bradycardia was most likely because of the trichinosis, since the initial attack of the trichinosis worms takes several days. And I might feel something again a couple weeks from now, because parasites usually have eggs or something that hatch again after a while, causing another outbreak.

I had some other stuff I wanted to talk about, but I don’t remember what it was. Maybe I will remember after I post this.

I know one thing I had been going to say. I was going to explain that we sometimes need to get information from other people, like, ‘Did you see what I just saw?’ and someone else says yes, they saw it too. People have shared experiences. They see the same thing. But even so, you must trust your eyes and ears when that person is speaking to you – you could be hallucinating a person there talking to you, you could have hallucinated everything they said to you.

At some point, you have to just trust your own eyes, trust your own ears, trust your own senses to be telling the truth; otherwise, you cannot even move a muscle or walk down the street. You just assume, ‘Hey, I’ve taken a million footsteps in my life, and the ground has never vanished beneath my foot before, so I will just ASSUME that the ground will be there beneath my foot when I take the next step, even though I can’t prove it will be.’

That’s the same with all of your internal sensations. You assume that if your stomach is burning, you’re nauseated and you must have eaten something bad that day, or maybe you have a stomach virus. You didn’t do a double-blind, government-sponsored, placebo-controlled experiment to prove that a particular food you ate that day caused you to get nauseated that evening. You just used your senses and your past experience. You interpreted cause and effect by yourself, all alone.

I’m arguing about this now because there is something in the medical books called ‘Delusional Parasitosis,’ and every time anyone on the internet says they think they have parasites or they think they can feel the sensation of a worm crawling through their tissues, some EVIL GOVERNMENT TROLL-SHILL jumps out and mentions the phrase ‘delusional parasitosis,’ and the entire forum will start echoing that phrase.

But the very phenomenon of ‘being delusional’ is a direct result of having parasites. It’s true, maybe the person is no longer talking coherently, no longer reasoning clearly, maybe they have misspellings and typos – but THOSE VERY THINGS are a SYMPTOM OF PARASITES. The parasites cause BRAIN SWELLING, among other things, and yes, that DOES affect someone’s reasoning and spelling ability and tendency to use caps lock! I know because I’ve been there, I’ve felt it, I’ve had times when I knew for sure I had gotten parasites, when I had eaten raw meat on purpose or by accident and knew it, and then had parasite sensations afterwards, and yes, it affected my mood, my brain, and my ability to communicate in particular ways, and tended to put me into an angry, ranting rage at the government as the root of all evil.

I have a couple websites that I really like, but there is one thing that I am ABSOLUTELY AGAINST IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCE: drinking colloidal silver. I don’t care how that silver was processed, I don’t care if you say that YOUR processing method makes it safer than some other person’s processing method – I don’t care, I will not drink colloidal silver. I often wonder how colloidal silver affects the brains of the people writing these websites. I am quite sure that silver affects the brain.

In fact, when I touch my silver coins, I get sort of… smarter, crazier, and more obsessive afterwards. I really do get smarter. Exposure to some heavy metals MAKES YOU SMARTER, but not really in a good way, not in the big scheme of things, not in the context of the planet and the environment. I believe that the reason modern society advanced as much as it did is because of craziness induced by metal poisoning – that merely touching and handling metals causes people to become both crazier, smarter, and more aggressive and obsessive and competent, so that they thereby become better able, and more willing, to do things like commit genocide against millions of innocent primitive tribes carrying stone-tipped spears who are unable to defend themselves against the onslaught of machine gun fire.

Touching gold and silver coins makes you smarter and crazier in an evil way, and I also think it makes you go bald. There is a stereotype of the bald bankers. It makes you smart, evil, and bald. You really do get poisoned merely from touching and handling gold and silver coins, as the metals go directly through your skin. And I’ve felt it myself. I know how I get after I touch my silver coins. I start studying and learning, and I’m sure my IQ goes up.

In fact, some studies of autistic kids found out that exposure to mercury made them smarter. Is this a good thing? No. It doesn’t ALWAYS make them smarter, and also, it destroys everything else human inside you. I am totally opposed to vaccinations, totally and completely in all circumstances, but there is a grain of truth in one of the strange, unexpected, backward results of a study of autism that showed that people’s IQ increased when they were exposed to toxic metals.

Artists and painters were touching poisonous metal pigments, and it made them into crazy artist geniuses. Exposure to poison can make you into something else, something which is evil and smart and crazy, and in the big scheme of things, this is bad. We should be happily enjoying our forests and our stone-tipped spears, but instead we dug the soil, we touched the poisons, we went crazy and started setting fire to the soil, melting the rocks, making new rocks, researching alchemy, and then, taking over the entire planet.

So I sometimes wonder if the drinking of colloidal silver makes these website writers unable to understand, anymore, that drinking colloidal silver is bad for you, because it has already affected their judgment so much, by the time they’re writing a ‘drink colloidal silver!’ website, that they can no longer tell you the truth. And I sometimes wonder how metals in general, all metals, all refined metals that is, have affected our society through the brains of the people. Merely touching a metallic object affects us, as the metal goes through our skin.

I still felt like there was something else that I had wanted to write about but I can’t remember what it was……

Testing fish oil capsules on my skin – low dose, avoid bruises and strokes – and found out that parasite cysts hatch ON MY ARM even though there’s no stomach acid to open the cysts

November 17, 2014

12:31 PM 11/17/2014

Yesterday I bought a bottle of fish oil capsules again, and I’m testing them, but this time I’m testing them differently. The first time I tried fish oil capsules, years ago, I nearly had a stroke, and never took them again. My entire body was covered with bruises the day after I took the pill. I took it simultaneously with a Vitamin E pill. I was walking with a limp because the entire left side of my body was weak as though I had had a mini-stroke or TIE or whatever (temporary ischemic event or whatever it’s called?… don’t feel like googling). I had taken ONLY ONE PILL.

I had also tested the cod liver oil / butter oil pills, and got parasites from them, a couple years ago, not too long ago. I was still camping at the time. They seemed to have a much smaller amount of oil per pill, and most of the stuff inside the pill was a thickening agent and not the actual cod liver oil itself. It just took up space so that the pill capsule wouldn’t be empty.

These fish oil pills I just bought at Weis yesterday. They are some random brand name, and I made no effort to find fish oil that was high quality, non-rancid, or processed in any special way. This is ‘ordinary quality’ fish oil. I only made an effort to avoid as many additives as I could, so I looked at the ingredient list.

I wanted these pills because of Jesse. I am helping him study for the ASVAB test for the military, even though I don’t want him to go into the military. I am watching him struggle because he can’t pay attention long enough, gets frustrated, gets angry, gets anxious, reads too quickly without understanding the question, and that kind of thing. It’s not his fault. He is the epitome of our brain-damaged youth. He’s got the Weston Price facial deformities, narrow jaw, braces on his teeth, a variety of mental illnesses and attention deficit disorder and learning disabilities and difficulty in school and trouble keeping a job. Basically everything that can go wrong has gone wrong for him, although not severely enough to get him outright labeled as ‘autistic.’ He is still well enough to be friendly, loving, sociable, and able to have a conversation. He just has difficulties if he tries to accomplish anything or study.

So I felt that maybe he needs to have more food so that his brain will work better. He won’t let me feed him. I have offered many times. He won’t even answer me anymore if I ask him questions about what kinds of food he likes to eat! He feels that those questions are approaching too closely to the actual act of buying food for him. Now he might think differently if he were living out on his own in an apartment, if I were living with him, but right now, he lives with his parents and eats their food for free. But it isn’t enough, there isn’t enough variety, and they have like a billion kids in that family, so they can’t afford to buy lots of super-expensive fancy foods and special foods and organic food and weird foods, but instead they buy Standard American Food. I know he eats chicken and he eats french fries with ketchup. 😀

They are also somehow supporting about seven or eight or nine children with a Standard American Nuclear Family arrangement, where the father works and, I *think*, the mother doesn’t work, but I’m not 100% sure of that and haven’t been nosy enough to ask questions about it. I actually am not making fun of them for having a lot of kids – ever since I read Julian Simon, and later on, Weston Price, I became sure that I also wanted to have a lot of kids, but now that I’m 40 I will only have a couple chances left, so it won’t be a huge family unless I get twins every time or something. I won’t be doing fertility treatments 😦 which tend to cause unnatural multi-births which are then born WAYYY to early, which is extremely unhealthy for the children – they have lung problems and chronic health problems throughout life because they were born premature through C-section.

Anyway I wanted to try giving him fish oil through the skin, so he wouldn’t even have to try eating anything weird. He is averse to trying new foods.

I tested the transdermal fish oil on myself last night. To avoid having strokes, I used only a tiny bit of it. I popped open the pill with a knife, and squeezed out only a small amount of oil onto the back of my left wrist and spread it around. Then I left it there for a while.

It did go through my skin easily. It quickly started to make my head feel weird. After a while, I got soap and water and washed the oil off my hand, because the weird feeling became uncomfortable and scary.

I don’t remember what I did last night – I read Harry Potter for a while and I guess I just went to bed. In the middle of the night, something odd happened.

I had recently thought I got a mild case of trichinosis, a parasitic infection which usually comes from pork. I had cooked my sausages that I usually get, except I cooked them at a very low temperature, because I had also added a bunch of crumbled cheese to the frying pan, and the cheese was scorching on the bottom of the pan at a higher temperature. I vaguely recalled that the sausages were already fully cooked or something, but actually, I must have been remembering wrong.

That night I felt parasites inside me, and they were causing feelings of terror. I wondered if it would be bad enough to go to the hospital. The trichinosis worms crawl into dangerous places, and I think they might go into your heart, and also your diaphragm. Whatever it is that they do, it has an effect on your heart, and you can feel it. I stayed in bed and just observed the sensations, and it was not bad enough that I felt like I was in danger, and eventually the feelings stopped and I went to sleep. The pork had been partially cooked, just not cooked enough, and it would not have been a huge amount of worms.

Various untrustworthy websites, such as Wikipedia, have troll-authored articles which claim that most trichinosis infections are
asymptomatic, but that is because mainstream medicine trolls believe that individual people are incapable of observing any internal sensations accurately, and that all internal sensations are purely imaginary and hypochondria. If you can’t see it, then it doesn’t exist, they say.

(Then how do they know that their own eyes are seeing truly when they use their eyes to look into the microscope to see the germs? Their own eyes could by lying to them because their eyes are a
hypochondriac! They could be seeing what they EXPECT to see! They could have used their imagination and CONVINCED themselves that their eyes were GOING to see a germ down there in the microscope, and so their eyes created a fake visual image, an external hallucination of a germ down in the microscope! All external sensing requires internal sensing – the two cannot be separated. If you are talking about external objects that exist in reality, the only way to detect the presence of those objects is by using your internal senses to see, hear, feel, etc. If my internal sensations of parasites crawling inside my body is an inaccurate sensation, then I accuse your eyeballs of giving you inaccurate sensations, your ears, the bottoms of your feet when you take a step, and every other sense that you use all day long to exist in the world. Why are THOSE senses different from my internal body’s ability to perceive the sensations of parasites crawling around through my body tissues?)

Even so, their evil lies reassured me, and I thought that there might be a grain of truth in it, that perhaps it’s possible to have a mild trichinosis infection and survive. It’s just that trichinosis is the really bad one, the one that can sometimes kill people. It just doesn’t kill all of the people all of the time in every situation.

So I happened to be reading about parasites, and I saw something that I myself had once believed, too: that the parasite cysts open up when they are exposed to stomach acid after you swallow the meat. It’s called ‘excystation,’ the process of coming out of the cyst.

Well, guess what. I just discovered that stomach acid isn’t needed for the excystation of parasites. All they need is a body-temperature warm surface, and, perhaps, an electromagnetic field generated by the body – there are many creatures that use electromagnetic fields, and it seems reasonable to think that parasites probably do too. Sharks find their prey with electric fields.

On the back of my left wrist, where I had rubbed the little bit of fish oil and then washed it off later, in the middle of the night… the parasites began the process of excystation, right there on my skin. I felt tiny, tickly, itchy parasites crawling and moving around on, or in, my skin, after several hours had gone by since I put the oil there. When that happened, I went and washed off my wrist again. I don’t know if they were inside or outside. But I definitely did not have hydrochloric stomach acid on my wrist when those parasites excysted and started crawling around and tickling.

I wondered if there would be any benefit at all from using fish oil, any mental benefit. Would I feel any better today AT ALL? Was it worth it to give Jesse fish oil, hoping that he might be able to use his brain better to focus on taking the test? Actually, I feel sort of dopey and stupid today: my brain actually feels a little bit WORSE than usual. And if I am getting parasites, that certainly will not help, because parasites always make me feel absolutely horrible for several days.

I have wondered about using a filter, the kind of filter that you use when hiking, for getting water out of the stream without getting giardiasis. I’ve wondered, could I buy a filter like that and use it to filter my raw milk so that I wouldn’t get parasites every time I drink raw milk? Yes, there is a legitimate reason why people insist that raw milk isn’t safe, but all of those people are too ignorant to say ‘parasites’ – they ALWAYS say ‘bacteria, bacteria, bacteria, bacteria’ over and over again. There are hardly ever any bacteria problems in raw milk from grass fed cows, but there are most definitely and most certainly PARASITES in every single batch of it. Yet this is taboo – even the anti-raw-milk people never use the word ‘parasite,’ not even once! I have NEVER seen any mention of ‘parasites’ in all the anti-raw-milk propaganda. Even so, raw milk sales should be just as legal as raw meat sales. You can buy raw meat at the grocery store and eat it raw too! And you’ll get parasites!

I’m going to post this soon, so I won’t go into a huge rant, but, I wonder about wild animals getting parasites. Animals *appear* to be healthy; however, animals are not doing complex mental tasks that require long-term mental focus and motivation. Animals, for all we know, might suffer a couple days of ‘brain fog’ and ‘demotivation’ and ‘being unable to get out of bed because I feel like a train ran over me,’ every single time they eat wild-caught raw meat. In fact, predators do actually spend a lot of time sleeping after they eat. Humans can’t do that – they have to go back to work the next day. They have to use their brain. They cannot spend a lot of time lying down and sleeping for days after every time they kill an animal and eat it raw and get parasites from it. So, for all we know, wild animals *ARE* being harmed by all the parasites they eat in raw meat. They just don’t drop dead from it. ‘Not dropping dead’ is not really a good criteria of ‘health.’

Yes, I’ll admit they don’t drop dead instantly. I agree. But I’m not claiming that parasites in raw meat cause you to drop dead instantly – not usually, although some anecdotes say that they can. I’m claiming instead that they cause you to feel horrible for a long time, like several days, when you get parasites, and when you’re feeling horrible, you are less able to function and less able to think clearly, and with animals, this doesn’t matter, they’ll just sleep for a couple days after eating a raw deer or whatever.

Is this true, or not? Do wild animals suffer fatigue and brain malfunction and discomfort every time they eat raw meat and inevitably get parasites? Does their brain function change? Hey, this is something all of you ‘external sensing’ people can look at! Get a machine and measure their brain function, and see if their brains are functioning badly while they’re out in the wild eating raw meat with parasites, versus domesticated and eating cooked meat without parasites (but with fewer nutrients and less digestibility because it’s cooked).

I will agree with one thing that I’ve heard about eating raw meat. You can eat TONS of it without getting full. I learned that if food is bad quality, if it’s spoiled, if anything is wrong with it at all, then I will start to sort of gag on it and have trouble choking it down, from the moment it enters my mouth. I will only be able to eat a little tiny bit of it. But if something is very fresh, very high quality, very clean, then I can eat a lot of it without getting sick. I know this is true of raw meat also.

I always had that question: if trichinosis is so bad that it kills a human, then why didn’t it kill the animal who was carrying it, the animal that you just ate? People say it’s because different species can handle it better or worse, and it’s particularly bad for humans, for some reason. Trichinosis is the only really bad one that I’m aware of that kills people outright. The other parasites are less lethal, they just cause the ‘brain fog/malfunction’ and ‘I can’t get out of bed because my body got hit by a truck’ phenomenon. (And of course, they cause the ‘I was lying awake all night tossing and turning because things were crawling around inside me’ phenomenon too. Sleep loss can cause you to call off sick from work, so it is a real danger.) I would be willing to eat raw meat if I was avoiding trichinosis. For instance, I’ve eaten raw fish and gotten parasites, but never felt like my life was in danger. When I had the mild case of trichinosis from the pork, I actually felt terror and extreme discomfort even though it was only just a small amount of slightly undercooked pork, and I didn’t have a lot of worms. I could tell that it was more dangerous and that it was doing something worse than the usual parasites were doing, the usual parasites that I got if I ate raw fish or something.

Anyway, so my fish oil transdermal test was inconclusive: I don’t know if it would help Jesse study or not. I didn’t notice any magical good feelings in my brain today, and in fact, felt a little sludgier and stupider than usual, not smarter. So I don’t know if fish oil is worth it or not. Would I try it on a bedridden coma patient and see if I could wake them up from the coma? Hell yeah, there is nothing else to try but that. Yes, fish oil is well known for waking up hopeless coma patients who are being malnourished by the horrible quality nonfood being given to them through the feeding tubes. So yeah, if anyone was in a coma, I’d put the fish oil on them and see if they woke up. It’d be worth a try.

Vaccinate babies constantly from the moment they’re born to make it less obvious the exact moment when they develop autism / brain damage

November 17, 2014

11:23 AM 11/17/2014

I just realized out of nowhere last night that the reason why the youngest possible babies get vaccinated so early is because the medical industry wants to make autism less obvious. If they wait a couple years and then vaccinate a toddler, it becomes obvious that ‘Yesterday, the toddler was speaking in complete sentences and had a vocabulary of 3,000 words, and suddenly today after the vaccination all they do is scream and cannot talk anymore.’ If you start vaccinating at the youngest possible age, it starts destroying the baby from the moment it’s born, so that there is less of a dramatic vaccine-related change. The change has less of a contrast if you are vaccinating a baby the instant it’s born and a couple times a month every month after that. Constant vaccinations from the moment of birth make it so that you can’t ever see any progress at all in the baby. The baby just never learns any words to begin with and can never interact at all. So you never see one particular moment when the baby was perfectly fine one day and then brain damaged the next day.

Funny, I remember reading that attention deficit hyperactivity disorder used to be called ‘Minimally Brain Damaged’ kids, but they changed the name because it was politically incorrect sounding. Actually, they changed the name because it was too spot-on accurate: they WERE brain damaged, and if you talk too much about the fact that they are brain damaged, it makes people start asking, ‘WHAT damaged them?’ If you merely label it as a ‘disorder,’ then it sounds like it could have come from anywhere, instead of being the result of actual DAMAGE.

The first google search result was the article I read

November 15, 2014

I did a search for ‘steve jobs had cancer for 20 years’ without quotes.

http://draxe.com/steve-jobs-twenty-year-battle-with-pancreatic-cancer/

Steve Jobs actually survived a long time with cancer because he did nothing at all to treat it

November 15, 2014

11:14 AM 11/15/2014

I just found out something interesting about Steve Jobs. This is kind of the opposite of how I saw the situation, and it changed my way of looking at it. Please forgive me for my judgmental attitude here – it’s just that I hate the mainstream medicine’s way of doing things and how they brainwash everyone on earth to do it that way.

I originally thought that Steve Jobs got pancreatic cancer because of his lifestyle – I had read somewhere that a fruitarian diet is the most likely reason it happened, but I myself thought of other factors such as dental fillings, which most people don’t think of. I originally believed that he died because he was a stupid person who embraced mainstream medicine and had his cancer treated the normal way that people always treat it.

That’s where I’m being judgmental – I strongly dislike reading any blogs or articles written by, forgive me, but they are usually socionic conflictors, I’m almost sure of it – I was reading one not too long ago and was sure she was a conflictor – writing about how they’re dealing with their cancer by obediently doing all of the processes that their doctors tell them to do, of course paying for it all with insurance – if insurance didn’t exist, then our mainstream medicine system would collapse, saving millions of lives.

That’s why Obamacare is secretly awesome. It’s going to make it impossible for millions of people to receive medical care, which will directly save their lives. Think I’m joking??? Obamacare is awesome! What better way to totally destroy mainstream medicine!

Anyway, so these people obediently follow their doctors and take all the poisons. And I can’t stand to read those blogs. There was one about breast cancer recently. And I thought Steve Jobs was one of THOSE people.

But I recently read something which suggested almost the opposite. I’m too lazy to find the reference to it, but it’s probably not that hard to find. It said: Steve Jobs actually had pancreatic cancer for 20 years or so. They usually believe pancreatic cancer kills you very quickly, but that’s because if you do mainstream medicine, it will: if you take the pills, do the radiation treatments, chop off every body part within reach, and so on, then yes, you will die of ‘pancreatic cancer’ very quickly.

But if you DO NOTHING AT ALL to treat the cancer, don’t even think about it, pretend it doesn’t exist, just ignore it, just simple prayer and meditation and living your life just the same exact way you lived it before, then you can survive 20 years with pancreatic cancer. And that, supposedly, is what Steve Jobs did (I added in the part about ‘prayer and meditation’ because those things are typically viewed as placebos, but I’m saying, a mere placebo would make you live longer than mainstream medicine / aka mainstream murder would).

So that was unexpected! He survived 20 years with pancreatic cancer! And you know what finally killed him, after all that? You guessed it: mainstream medicine-murder killed him. Here is what happened:

There was some kind of nodule or something in his liver. If he had merely ignored it, he probably would have been okay. But no, somebody somewhere decided to start giving him some kind of immonosuppressant drug, because, as we all know, getting rid of your immune system is the healthiest thing you can possibly do for yourself. So he started taking this immunosuppressant drug, and within a year, he died! Great save, guys!

Maybe this was actually a revenge plan created by the Chinese people who don’t want their people working as slaves in factories anymore to produce Apple products or something, and yeah, I guess they kind of have a right to feel that way. But, even so, lesson learned: Get pancreatic cancer, do nothing, survive 20 years, get some other problem eventually, take a pill for it, and drop dead within a year because of the pill!

I already knew that, but I hadn’t quite seen Steve Jobs that way. I thought that he brainlessly embraced mainstream medicine from Day One, like so many other people do. I didn’t give him enough credit. He actually did quite well for himself for twenty years. It was only one small mistake made recently that cost him his life.

I do need to go find the reference for where I read this, so I can make sure I have everything right. Was it really 20 years? It was a long time, I remember that.

Cancer doesn’t usually kill you unless you try to treat it. The treatments themselves are the biggest killers. If you know what’s causing your cancer (you live right next door to a farmer’s field where they spray pesticides and herbicides and fertilizers and hog manure and human sewage for several months a year!), and if you can get far, far away from whatever is causing it, and clean yourself off, and do nothing but that, you have a better chance of recovering from the cancer and surviving. And don’t get vaccines, which are another primary cause of cancer.

It’s interesting to read about the horrible things that vaccines do to dogs and cats: for example, they actually get rabies as a direct result of getting the rabies vaccine: awesome! Then they bite people! And then somebody ‘euthanizes’ them. It’s extremely painful for me to read these stories, because I love dogs and I don’t blame them for what they do – it’s totally not their fault, they’re not a bad dog, they just got rabies from the rabies vaccine, and went crazy and attacked people because of having been deliberately given rabies. Dogs have seizures and behavior problems and cancer and chronic depression and fatigue and other problems directly caused by vaccines, just like people do.

**********
Yesterday, I was so sick from starting my period that I don’t think I had any caffeine that morning. I don’t remember for sure. I had perhaps less than usual. And I went slightly into caffeine
withdrawal. Suddenly, today, I had all my energy back, and I took a caffeine pill (I did buy another box of them……….) and a cup of coffee, and it worked again! All I had to do was slightly, partially withdraw, in order for the caffeine to start working again. I suddenly cleaned up my bedroom because I was looking for something and couldn’t find it anywhere – it was in my backpack, the cord that attaches my camera to the computer – I needed it because I was taking pictures of text messages because I have no way to archive them on my phone. I cleaned up the whole bedroom, because I had gone into withdrawal and then taken caffeine again, which caused it to actually work.

I have not forgotten that the goal is to quit completely. It’s like that comic I saw on the internet yesterday. ‘I just did three things yesterday. It’s like the things never end.’ It’s written by a girl who is going through the phase of becoming an adult, where you are learning how to do the routines like go to the grocery store, clean, go to the bank, and so on. I hated doing those things too. I still do. I can still barely get those things done. And I had the same feeling that I could just do something once and get it over with forever and put it on my shelf as a trophy. I totally could relate to that blog.

There is always ‘one more thing’ which means that I need caffeine today. There will always be one more disaster that I cannot get through without the help of caffeine. I can’t achieve this goal, I can’t recover from this disaster, I can’t apply for jobs fast enough, I can’t fill out this paperwork fast enough, I can’t go hunt for an apartment fast enough, without caffeine. Always caffeine.

I have not forgotten. I remember the goal. I still have a mission. I have a vision of what life is supposed to be like, and it is not supposed to be like THIS. I have an intentional community in my mind. And there are millions of suffering people who can barely function, because of brain damage and deformities and all that, who would be happy to live in my community if it existed. I haven’t forgotten any of this.

surviving; a couple changes

November 14, 2014

This morning I absolutely definitely started my period for real. No more PMS-pseudopregnancy crap.

Last night I was supposed to go in to work at TB, but could not bring myself to do it. I ended up telling them to just take me off the schedule. I still don’t really see that as absolutely quitting, in my mind, just telling them not to schedule me and not to depend on me. But it’s really a quit, at least for now. I don’t like it. I said I was having a messed-up life right now.

Our applications say that they got through to Adecco. We will still have to call them, visit the office, talk to them, finish the online profiles, and then start working at some jobs. Jesse called me this morning and asked about it, and he’s willing to continue the process, even though it has been a pain in the ass to do it.

I have two paychecks sitting at McD waiting to be picked up, because my direct deposit request never went through. I haven’t been able to ride my bike down there to get them. I deposited a check from Mom which was intended to help me pay next month’s rent. So I haven’t run completely out of money. If I rode the bus down it would be easier. Or, actually, riding back is the hard part, not riding down the hill.

Have faith?

November 13, 2014

It’s gonna be great next week when I find out I’ve been rejected by the jobs I tried to apply to at Adecco, and I have no jobs at all because I’ve just walked out on both of my fast food jobs, which were there for security reasons based on ALL MY PAST EXPERIENCES WITH TEMP JOBS. You cannot work just a temp job and not have a second permanent job on the side – but nobody listens to me when I tell them these things. Oh, it all seems like a great plan now – totally incapacitate me, tell me to ‘have faith,’ totally brainwash me and prevent me from doing all the things that I would normally do, prevent me from handling the situation the way I myself normally would, based on years and years of past experience – and I’ll bet money that those jobs I applied for will all reject me due to lack of experience or something else stupid like that. And then, next week, I’ll just be totally unemployed from all my jobs completely. And that’s gonna be just great! I can’t wait to call my mom and ask her for MORE MONEY so that I can not only pay my rent, but also pay for all my food and my tracfone cards and the other miscellaneous things that I have to buy. Yeah, this is a great plan. And the voices tell me to have faith. I can’t wait for next week when I’m making a whopping $0.00 an hour at my nonexistent new job that I have been rejected from.

Badly done mind control

November 13, 2014

6:32 PM 11/13/2014

I’m being mind controlled, and it’s being done very badly by people who don’t know what they’re doing, or don’t give a fuck about just causing sheer destruction. Either way. Their method goes something like this: Force the victim to do whatever you want them to do. If they resist or disagree, just directly oppose them and keep trying to directly force them to do the opposite of whatever they want to do. This will cause them to become totally incapacitated and unable to do anything at all, but hey, who’s counting? We don’t care about wasted hours, wasted money, pain and suffering. We’ll keep you crushed down curled in a ball on the floor for MONTHS if you continue to disagree with us.

They’re disagreeing with me about keeping a foot in the door at my two jobs, disagreeing over how this should be done, disagreeing about quitting without notice, disagreeing about not taking money from my parents unless for some reason I absolutely have to, and doing it for as short a time as possible, disagreeing about how I view people and individuals and the corporation and my attachments to individual people at my workplaces – none of it matter, just push a button and incapacitate the victim till she’s completely paralyzed and unable to take action in any direction at all. That’s great! I see what you did there!

Stupid web pages should be illegal; and, I’m crippled by paralyzing anxiety, falling slowly into my worst case scenarios

November 13, 2014

10:42 AM 11/13/2014

I need to take a break, otherwise I am going to scream, break my computer, or perhaps stab myself repeatedly in the brain with a sharp object – to prevent myself from finding the people who designed this web page and stabbing *them* in the brain.

Stupidity should be illegal.

The other day, Jesse and I decided to apply for temp jobs.

No, no. This is one of those situations where I genuinely, seriously, sincerely believe that the world would be a better place if this was illegal. Libertarianism be damned. People are simply TOO STUPID to build web pages responsibly if they are given the freedom to do it however they want. I no longer care about liberty, I care about being able to use a fucking web page without it malfunctioning. I don’t design web pages, I’ve barely scratched the surface of learning how to do it, but I am 100% certain that if I merely spent a day or two, I could design a web page that worked better than this. It might use some rudimentary, human-operated processes rather than being completely automated – for instance, people might have to email me some information instead of typing it into a web form and having a PHP or whatever send the form. I don’t care. I could do it and it would work and it would be better than this insane filth. There are no words for this level of stupidity. EPIC FAIL, ADECCO. EPIC FAIL!

The world would sincerely, in my opinion, really, sincerely BE A BETTER PLACE if particular styles of web pages WERE ILLEGAL. AND I AM NOT KIDDING. You think I’m joking? Just because I’m too powerless and too much of a minority to make this illegal in reality doesn’t mean that I’m not serious. I am deadly serious. In my utopian vision of earth, it will be FUCKING ILLEGAL to make web pages that have this particular style. But I don’t know enough about the programming language behind them to be able to explain what it is that I mean.

I can only compare it to barebones HTML. You’ve seen websites that are just text only. Nothing more. Just pure text. Those pages load instantly, unless your computer is hacked and full of malware that makes everything load slowly regardless of what is on the page, which my computer is. But even with the malware, plain text pages load quickly and easily compared to the other style pages.

The pages that I’m talking about are pages where it takes several seconds with a spinning circle in the middle showing you that something is loading. It’s not mere text, it’s ‘SOMETHING FANCY.’ I don’t have the words to describe what exactly that ‘something’ is. There are colors, fonts, styles, images, little shapes, fancy drop-down boxes, little interactive thingamajigs, whatever. There’s always a simpler way to do it than that, but these people choose the heaviest, slowest, most sluggish, most memory-intensive,
processor-heavy way of doing it instead of the barebones way of doing it. And I am not joking at all, the world would be a BETTER PLACE if that method of writing web pages was illegal. That’s right, I am now dictating that it is against the law to use whatever that programming language is, whatever that web page style is, and you are required by law to make plain text pages that accomplish the same thing using 1/1000th of the computer resources and doing it in 1/10,000th as long of a time. That’s right, I’m prepared to make you morons PAY A FINE AND GO TO JAIL, and I’m a libertarian, so I know what it means when something is illegal – fines, jail, government agents coming to your front door and arresting you. You made one of those foul, evil, moronic web pages that are destroying everyone’s experience of the internet, so, that’s right buddy, you’re going to jail.

Okay. So Jesse and I tried to apply at Adecco. We also went to Preferred Staffing, but that particular office that used to be there was closed. I still haven’t found out if they relocated somewhere else or not – I was too busy struggling with this Adecco web page.

Adecco had the brilliant idea to FORCE ALL OF THEIR APPLICANTS to use this EVIL HELL NIGHTMARE of a malfunctioning epic disaster webpage to apply for a job. That’s right – no more paper! Convenient for Adecco, eh? I wonder if Adecco is having lots and lots of trouble finding new hires! Because nobody can get through this web page that they are FORCED to use and have no other option but to use this! Are they having trouble finding employees, but not knowing why? Are they getting fewer and fewer hires, diminishing the pool of employees, but they’re totally mystified as to the cause of this problem?

I just wrote a flaming letter to the tech support people. They’re gonna love me.

Now that I’ve done that, I don’t feel the need to rewrite the whole thing here. Basically, to make a long story short, you have to do all these special tricks to guarantee that everything you just spent hours and hours entering in (because the web page is huge, bulky, and slow loading, with spinning circles taking half a minute every time you take an action) doesn’t disappear after you leave the page. I figured out how to get *most* of it to stay saved, almost. You know, I don’t even need to retell this story. It’s the same as every other web page on the internet nowadays. All of them. Like the McD cash register system. Like WordPress. Like everything.

At some point in the past decade, a plain HTML web page began to be perceived as ‘disreputable.’ If it DOESN’T have huge, bulky, expensive, malfunctioning, slow-loading images and spinning circles and heavy graphics that take an hour to load on the fastest cable connection, then it’s perceived as ‘low budget’ and therefore ‘disreputable.’ If one person alone could write the web page in a short period of time, that implies that this corporation doesn’t have MILLIONS OF DOLLARS LYING AROUND DOING NOTHING, which are available to be wasted on hiring an external consulting agency to design this horrifically bad web page for them, for millions of dollars. The more money you spend, the more respected you are, and the worse the results are, the more money you must have spent. The worse your web page works, the better your reputation, because it implies you have billions of dollars that you can throw around in the most wasteful ways imaginable.

GOD FORBID that anything should ever be written in simple, plain text, using the most minimalistic methods of achieving a goal as possible, quickly and efficiently. That could’ve been written by one single person! It’s low-budget! We’ll be perceived as low-budget, small, poor, and disreputable! The more people it takes to design, operate, troubleshoot, maintain, and help people struggle with, our web page, the wealthier and bigger our corporation must be! Instant respect!

I’m not kidding when I say this should be illegal. It results from the phenomenon of borrowed money. I was reminded again recently that ‘loans don’t come from deposits – loans CREATE deposits.’ The bank types in the number ‘$1,000,000’ into the computer, creating both a loan to someone, and a deposit in the bank, at the same time, out of nothing. Because they are allowed to do that – because the entire government-controlled banking system REQUIRES them to do that, the result is unimaginably wasteful use of resources in the most horrifically inefficient and stupid ways possible. Whoever has access to this instant money creation can afford to create the most gigantic, elaborate, malfunctioning web page, and build a hundred thousand help centers all over the planet so that website users can call in and talk to them on the phone and have someone spend hours upon hours, with each and every individual person, holding their hand to walk them through the process of struggling with this web page, every day, for years. The more money we can create out of thin air, the more jobs we’re creating, internally, inside this corporation, for our own people, to sit around and wastefully struggle with all the various aspects of maintaining and using this website. The more money we are given, the more we can waste it on larger, more inefficient, more elaborate creations.

It should be illegal, and it’s a consequence of the banking system and the loans. Infinite free money created out of nothing means that the rest of us have to suffer with these horrifically bad web pages. If we can’t fix the banking system – in my little utopian world, the banking system wouldn’t exist – so these web pages would also simultaneously cease to exist, and if anybody anywhere created a horrifically bad web page like this, it would be an instant ‘terrorism flag’ drawing attention to this person as a money-stealer creating fake bank loans out of thin air, a real crime. Nobody in the real world can afford to be so horrifically inefficient, and so, this horrific inefficiency is a giant red flag shouting, ‘I’M STEALING MONEY BY CREATING BANK LOANS OUT OF NOTHING!’ In my world, terrorism is the act of making our entire world so malfunctioning and so inefficient that the simplest tasks cannot be done at all.

I have been sincerely trying. I have TRIED to finish filling out this application and setting up my profile, and by now, I am so traumatized and so angry that I cannot muster up the energy to actually attempt to apply for one of the temp jobs that are listed there; and yet, I simultaneously am incapable of going back to my regular jobs either. I have to do one thing or another: go back to my regular jobs, apply for some other job elsewhere, or else find some creative solution that will obtain food and shelter for me some other way, find some other option somehow – all of which requires effort and will. My efforts and will have been wasted FOR DAYS on this Adecco website. I hate filling out applications, but if I had been filling it out on paper, it would have been over with days ago, and I’d be talking to them right now about what jobs they have available and what I want to do. As it is now, my emotion towards them is so extremely negative that I no longer even WANT to try applying for their temp jobs. (You have to first create your profile online, and then you have to, separately, apply for one of the jobs listed online. I’ve only created the profile – sort of.)

****************************
Meanwhile, my body is acting up. I’m calling it a pseudopregnancy. I felt like I was going to start my period for the last several days, quite a few days now, and it’s just barely, almost, but not quite, starting. Still not starting! I took a pregnancy test and it was negative, several days ago, but I’m tempted to spend money on another one and take it again. I’ll get a negative, because this is a pseudopregnancy. I did not get fertilized, but exposure to semen (extremely small quantities, by accident, due to a breaking condom) caused my uterus to ‘do something’ even though it didn’t have an egg for the sperm to go to. There are non-sperm substances in semen which trigger the body to respond and prepare for pregnancy, even if there is no fertilization.

So basically I have been suffering through apocalyptic PMS this whole time while simultaneously struggling with this epic fail website. My body is holding on, saying, ‘Yes, I’m pregnant, I swear! I really am! I am!’ My uterus is in denial. It’s really, really trying to pretend it’s pregnant when it isn’t. In animals, if there is a pseudopregnancy, the uterine tissue will ‘reorganize’ itself (according to some source I read) without actually bleeding out through menstruation. I suspect I’m gonna go for a month without a period, now, even though I’m not pregnant. This is annoying, especially because I sort of wish I was pregnant so that I could accept my fate.

But I’m 40 years old, and I’m reading stories of people my age having unprotected sex every single day for YEARS without getting pregnant, as they do everything in their power to try to conceive deliberately. I am NOT going to ACCIDENTALLY get pregnant at age 40 from a brief, microscopically small exposure to semen (most of it ended up outside my body, not in), on the first ‘try,’ which wasn’t even a try, on a day when it didn’t seem as though I was ovulating.

But I could be wrong, and I still have my hopes up! I keep thinking, yes, yes, I got pregnant by accident. I wanted to prepare more for it, but if it happens by accident, I’m accepting my fate with all the imperfections. So I’m feeling hopeful. And in denial.

I’m also still suffering from horrible anxiety and paralysis. I CANNOT GO BACK TO MY JOBS. I CANNOT CALL THEM ON THE PHONE TO TELL THEM I’M NOT COMING IN. I CANNOT FINISH THIS HORRIFICALLY BAD WEBSITE APPLICATION TO ADECCO. MY REPUTATION AT ADECCO WILL BE RUINED IF THEY CALL MY CURRENT EMPLOYERS ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT I’VE DONE NO-CALL, NO-SHOW QUITS TO BOTH OF THOSE JOBS. I AM GOING TO FAIL IN ALL DIRECTIONS IN EVERY WAY ON EVERY LEVEL, and yet I am still so paralyzed that I cannot move or do anything. I can only cower in my room, curl up in a ball, put my fingers in my ears, and hide.

I slightly improved when I did the laundry. I think the pesticides were a big part of it, and I think they got on my pants at work, because I might have kneeled on the floor while reaching under the sink to get things that fell behind the sink and the shelves. I remember doing that, I just don’t remember *when* I did it, whether it happened before or after the guy sprayed all the pesticides on the floor back there. I clearly remember there were several times recently when I crawled, or even laid down on, the floor back there because I was trying to pick things up from under the sink and the shelf. I would have gotten the stuff ALL OVER MY BODY if it had already been sprayed, but I can’t remember the order of the events now.

I’m going to survive. Here is the worst case scenario that is likely to happen. I’ll no-call no-show both jobs. Wow, epic fail! I’ll ruin my reputation at both of them, so it will be as though I have no job history anymore, and my future employers will get a bad opinion of me from calling McD and TB. That’s what I’m trying to avoid, which is causing fear and panic. I just want to preserve my reputation somewhat, and leave on good terms if I am going to leave – but… paralysis! I can’t make a decision or call them!

So, the worst case is, I’ll have this bad reputation, and will have to apply for new jobs with that big black mark behind me. Jesse still got jobs without writing down any job history at all, even though, in reality, he had a long string of hire-and-quit, hire-and-quit behind him, people who he could not use as a reference.

It could happen again that I go for months and months unemployed due to illness and anxiety, and my mom would pay my rent. Ugh! I don’t want to do that. Granted, I could camp, and maybe give away my poor cats, or let them camp with me (fun!). I’d build them heavily insulated cat shelters, of course. (I want to do that anyway.)

I had reasons why I was living here, things that are not done – the dental fillings. Other things. Reasons… and I can’t remember it all or put it into perspective anymore. Why was I here? Why am I paying rent? Why am I trying to save money for something? What is my future? What is my purpose? I am completely lost in the world and helpless to take action. I am completely paralyzed, and the worst case scenarios are slowly, inexorably happening. I am defaulting on all of my obligations in every way. All because of pesticide. And because my parents are willing to send money to help me. If I had no access to money whatsoever, I’d have to make massive changes quickly and have to get help from some government organization or something, you know, go to the homeless shelter and what not. I’d do all the normal stuff people do when they run out of money and get evicted and have nowhere to go. I’d survive. But now, I am going to hang on longer, lingering, like people on life support in the hospital when they’re brain-dead, still being forced to breathe and swallow food through a tube, but never coming to life again. I might come back to life, after the entire winter is over, months from now, when the sun rises again.

I’ll post this. Crippling anxiety. I am not free of it yet. I will survive, but I cannot see the future. There is a snowstorm in front of me and everything is swirling white and I am blind. All I see ahead of me is snow. I know there is more than that, beyond it. In fact I think there are wonderful things beyond that, but I can’t see them.

I remember a little meditation thing that I was reading about online. To sum it up, it was a little prayer where, basically, in every direction you face (the ‘ten directions’ or something), there is something wonderful ahead of you, but it is so far away that you can’t see it, you can only imagine it. So, like, when you face the east, a thousand thousand grains of sand in the Ganges River or something, that many miles away, there is a man who has found Tranquility, and you are moving towards him when you face that direction, or something. And this prayer repetitively slams it into your head, in a different way each time, with a different guru in all ten directions, a different wise man, a different person who has achieved something great and wonderful, which you are moving towards no matter where you look. My life’s kinda like that now. All I can see is blindness, but I can only imagine that something wonderful is far, far ahead of me, just too far away for me to see right now. It’s able to cheer you up in sort of an abstract way, but isn’t really useful or helpful, and the cheering-up doesn’t last very long or work very well (kind of like all prayers, actually).