Archive for July, 2017

salicylates? suffering from a lot of impatience, can’t stand frustrations and obstacles

July 31, 2017

I’m still eating the baby food that I bought – I got a bunch of jars of mostly organic baby food, and a few non-organic ones for variety, because there are only a limited number of types available as organic. It’s perfect for me while camping – it’s a tiny little serving size, so none of it gets thrown away. It doesn’t have disgusting additives or salt or sugar, it’s just nothing but some particular fruit or vegetable, or a couple things mixed together. It’s the best way for me to get vegetables and fruits when I don’t have a fridge.

However, eating a whole lot of fruits and vegetables means I’m overloading my salicylate detoxification system, which is something that the Feingold Diet is designed to prevent or troubleshoot. I do notice reactions to salicylate – for instance, one time I bought a watermelon, and ate it over a couple days, and my ears were ringing really, really badly, and I was hyperactive and irritable. Tinnitus can be caused by salicylate.

I’ve been getting really, really annoyed and frustrated easily by small things. I’m really annoyed because I need to fix all my computers and electronic devices, but don’t have a dedicated workstation where I can do this. I just bought a brand new camera, and it keeps telling me that there’s no memory left when there are only a couple pictures in it – I think it got hacked when I connected it to my laptop.

Even though I know you can add memory to the camera, I don’t think it would come with *so little* internal memory that you can only take a couple pictures before it fills up, and I even changed the pictures to a ‘lower density’ because they were originally on the highest quality, a billion megapixels or whatever.

My smartphone also keeps running out of storage space, even when I keep deleting data and transferring my pictures. I need to archive all my old text messages, but there is no way to do this. I have saved text messages once in the past – by photographing them – but I obviously won’t be able to do that if my brand new camera runs out of memory after taking a single-digit number of pictures.

I’m also having hacker-related issues with my computers and phones, and have had more issues as a result of trying to delete data and free up space, and possibly deleting the settings and cookies that I need to keep, then forgetting how I originally had it set. All of this is happening at the exact moment when I’ve just moved into a tent and cannot just put things on a desk and research how to fix them. I also am not using any herbal drugs that help me with mental focus, and I’ve packed them away in the storage unit, so I would have to buy more if I wanted any. The only one I could get easily is wild growing St. John’s Wort, which will cause chronic fatigue, possibly because it induces cytochrome p450, which might possibly cause me to metabolize caffeine much faster (just a theory?), so the caffeine stops working.

Then, I get contaminated because the metabolites go through my skin, onto the laundry, and then back through my skin when I put those clothes on, and they won’t wash out no matter how many times I wash it, so I have unwanted SJW symptoms at times when I don’t intend to use the drug. If it were possible to just use it once, and use different bedsheets and all different clothing and belongings during the time when I was excreting metabolites, it wouldn’t be so bad.

I have to travel to WV in the next day or so, and be there by August 2nd, when my brother will be there.

My hip is very definitely out of joint and the pain is getting worse. It’s popping when I ride my bike. I try to find a good position to stop it from popping, but it’s not possible. I was hoping it would be at least a couple more decades before the hip came out of joint. It can still get a lot worse – eventually I won’t be able to walk on it at all, unless I use a wheelchair to get around, or get a hip replacement (toxic implants are NOT what I need, as a chemical sensitive person who already has chronic illnesses), or build my own exoskeleton.

Babies with herpes are probably getting it from vaccines given at birth

July 31, 2017

I am suddenly reading a lot of news articles about newborn babies who die from getting herpes. They’re saying it’s because people are kissing them on the mouth. Babies are also given vaccines right at birth, like the hepatitis vaccine if I recall – I tried looking this up a couple days ago. The live herpes virus is contaminating a lot of vaccines. Mark my words – we’re going to find out that these deadly herpes virus outbreaks in infants are actually caused by live herpes viruses in the vaccines they’re being given, and not merely by transmitting it through kissing or through natural vaginal birth or any other method.

able to get it mailed directly to his country

July 31, 2017

I just trailed off that sentence, which I noticed while rereading. He wasn’t able to get the book mailed directly yo Germany, so he had asked me if I could get the book and mail it to him myself.

slept in, forgot all I had to do today

July 31, 2017

I was gonna give Eric a book. I’m at home, not online yet. So I haven’t checked my email. I slept all day caffeine free, but in caffeine withdrawal, there is always intense anxiety. The anxiety is starting now, although it isn’t intense yet. I’m reading a book called “Remote Control -The Battle For Your Mind.” It was sent to me by a German friend who would like me to eventually mail it to him – he said he wasn’t able to get it delivered. The book is good enough, although my experience is somewhat different. I just experience nonstop noise and whispers, which I can’t understand much of, but which prevent me from using my own mind, especially any functions that are slower or weaker. I have no ability to change my beliefs or habits or my future because of this. They seem to have no other goal except to incapacitate me. I am not being used for anything as at as I know – they just want to prevent me from existing, without killing me. So, I’m able to read the book and I can relate to his experiences and have had similar experiences myself, but at the same time, it isn’t really what I need to see.

Salicylates from fruits and vegetables

July 30, 2017

I think I’ve been extremely irritated and angry partly from eating baby food. I deliberately bought that so I could get fruits and vegetables, but forgot how angry salicylate makes me feel. This is one reason why vegans are angry people. The Feingold Diet is the only diet (or the Urticaria Diet for hives) that recognizes the effect of salicylates.


July 30, 2017

Matthew posted something about people being given business cards laced with scopolamine. I know that people will also blow the dust in your face, in some countries. I think he probably was given the suggestion to post that because I was recently thinking about something (mind controlled) – an idea I had to ask strangers to go on a date with me by giving them a business card.

St johns wort

July 30, 2017

I’m seriously so frustrated and miserable I almost feel ready to go eat some St. John’s Wort. I have seen it flowering. However, the metabolites will be excreted through my skin and they will contaminate my clothes and blankets, causing chronic fatigue. I would have some temporary weird behavior, like story writing or music writing, or I would be the victim of external suggestions. That puts me at risk of contacting Matthew. I am not safe from him yet – I have no substitute. He’s a complete fucking retard: if I talk to him he will go into babbling robot mode and keep telling me to go to church. I can call him every name I can think of, but can’t stop loving him, retard or not. I tried calling him a sociopath too and that didn’t work. He cut his hair and that helped, but not entirely. Only a substitute can rip me away from him. So SJW is very, very risky right now. But I am just so miserable and frustrated at my inability to make changes. I *have to* change something.

typos – Landon Pigg is good, other music is bad

July 30, 2017

can’t fix typos because I’m texting from the tent. I said I have to *keep* fighting to change the song. The annoying and unbearable song in my head right now is “No matter what I say, no matter what I do, I only wanna do bad things to you.” It was a remake of an older song. She sort of whispers or breathes the word “bad.” I *hate* the word “bad” associated with anything sexual. I do not have any punishment fetishes or daddy fetishes, and I find those things repulsive. Anything at all that connects the word “bad” with sex is disgusting. The last time someone made a serious attempt to patronize me, I abandoned him for several days and then basically stopped seeing him. It was the 41 year old man when I was 23 in college. I do have a long pattern of seeing older men, but I don’t want them to patronize me. I just need to make some kind of concrete progress. I am set on getting an RV somehow and that is the first change I’m making. No more apartments.

bad mood, and no caffeine in the tent

July 30, 2017

I’m combing my hair and getting ready for work. It’s a long 8 hour work day. I haven’t done an 8 hour shift in a while. I don’t have any caffeine sources in the tent right now. I need to go get STD tests done again – maybe after I get back from my trip to WV. I have to rent a car to go down there, and claim my belongings because Dad is cleaning out the house and throwing things away. I woke up with a horrible song playing in my head and have to keel fighting to change the song to anything by Landon Pigg. This is no joke, it’s a norm of electronic mind control. Every hour of every day, music or some kind of noise is forced into your head. No matter what song it is, it interferes with thought; but if the song is bad it’s unbearable. I wanted to remind myself to join an ESTJ and INFJ forum. I recently left a bunch of facebook groups. I had joined a whole ton of groups at once but wasn’t doing anything in most of them. I really do like the ENFP and ISTP groups and that’s where I’m spending most of my time. I didn’t listen to my music yesterday while I was online, which is why I’m being forced to hear something horrible that was playing on the intercom at McDonalds. I would like to ride the bus to the HUB instead, and avoid people who know me at McD, and avoid the horrible music. I couldn’t choke down all of a cheeseburger that I ordered. I can’t do paragraphs in text.. I have been very frustrated with all my electronic devices lately and I need a dedicated computer fixing station at home, which I can’t do in the tent. I want to reawaken my oldest phone, the Nokia, and open it up and put things in it to make it usable in the 4g network, which is the only reason I’m not using that phone anymore. I passionately hate every phone since then, and, once again, no joke – I am extremely angry about it a lot of the time. I can’t even begin to talk about it or fix it without an electronics tinkering station in the house. And this idiotic scammer on craigslist. I so had my hopes up.

A huge, fucking, complicated-ass scam

July 29, 2017

If you’re going to scam somebody, at least make it *easy* for the victim to do what they have to do to be scammed. This RV lady is a scammer who wanted me to buy $1500 of Google Play cards to buy the RV, which she said she would deliver to me. I don’t even wanna talk about it. Suffice it to say I am too fucking lazy to buy 30 individual cards at $50 each, and am therefore too lazy to be scammed. I did at least *look at* the Google Play cards to see what was the maximum denomination. And maybe people *are* using them to buy things. But it’s just such a fucking pain in the goddamn ass. I just don’t have that much energy. I’m gonna make a trip to the RV dealer in Lewistown. The end.

bad headache

July 29, 2017

I don’t know what’s causing this. I’ve had caffeine, lots of it, so it’s not caffeine withdrawal. I actually feel like I need to throw up. I also have some intestinal pain. I ate baby food – if I ate anything that had peas, the peas weren’t cooked enough – peas cause intestinal pain. But I didn’t know they would cause a headache. I *never* get headaches, so this is very unusual. I’m about to ride the bus to Wal-Mart. I’m just waiting a couple minutes. I’m in so much misery that I can’t even read the book I brought with me. Oh, I have to get the other books in The Giver series. … I can’t make a paragraph in this text message, but occasionally I encounter people in the ENFP forum who are just so hostile, so annoying, to the point where I just *extremely* dislike them, that I’m fairly sure they are mistyped ESTPs or ESFPs. The one today was just annoying enough to wanna punch them in the face. It’s not really their fault that they’re mistyped. But it seems like you would figure out you’re mistyped if you’re totally different from everyone else in the forum and don’t get along with them.

money buys happiness; musing on various things, more racism and anti-homelessism.

July 29, 2017

1:22 PM 7/29/2017

Money does buy happiness, unless you’re a fucking idiot.

If you get money, and you decide to spend that money on giant parties with cocaine and whatever else, and the money is gone in a month, and you have to go right back to being a slave at your local McDonald’s afterwards, then no, money does not buy happiness.

I can cite the study that said that people who made more than a particular finite amount actually were happier, and that amount was something like $60,000 a year in that particular study.

People who have a real community and real family are happier. If they have actual support from the people around them, even if they live as hunter-gatherers, their quality of life is better.

People in North Korea say they were happy. Some North Koreans who escaped and started living as a modern slave laborer in South Korea said they became suicidal because life was no longer worth living. When I say ‘modern slave laborer’ I am referring to the lifestyle that other people call ‘freedom.’ You work at a ‘job’ and you get paid ‘money’ and you pay money to ‘rent’ a piece of land that you live on. You never know who your neighbors are, and you’re lucky if you even get to have one single child at all, because the costs of living are so high that you can barely even feed yourself.

Meanwhile, Arctic hunter-gatherers wear animal furs that cost thousands upon thousdands of dollars (if they had bought them), and have dozens of children. Apparently hunter-gatherers are much wealthier than the typical modern slave.

I’m waiting for my phones to charge, and then I’ll have to go use the wifi someplace.

It rained and rained and rained yesterday, and we got flood warnings. The government hacked my telephones and made them do loud beeps, and gave me text messages. I was sitting in front of the library eating my food from the restaurant, and didn’t understand where the loud emergency beeps were coming from. They were inside my backpack.

Money – back to the subject of money. I *know* exactly how lucky I am. I do know. There are other homeless people, and I almost always dislike them. They’re not like me. I really wonder if they are just another personality type – from some other socionic quadra. Almost inevitably, I find other homeless people to be very annoying.

There was one guy, named Kael – he became a facebook friend – I typed him ESFP – he was a beautiful angel, a gorgeous young guy with long hair. We talked for a while at McDonald’s, and he was very attentive, deep, intelligent, observant, accepting, and understanding (no, that doesn’t mean he was my dual – I can appreciate my socionic mirage relation as well).

I didn’t fall in love with him! He was wonderful, he was beautiful, he was sweet, he was gorgeous, he was intelligent, he had long hair, and I even hugged him a couple times during that time period when I met him at the McD on the other side of town.

He had been camping out, too, and he got caught and got in trouble. His camp was even more exposed than mine. I got the impression from what he said that he merely had a hammock and nothing else, so he was open to the rain – no shelter at all. He was the only homeless guy I ever liked and/or did not strongly dislike. And every once in a while, if I think of him, I just check his facebook page and see if he’s done anything new. He’s not around here anymore. He actually went to a Buddhist monastery or something like that.

But almost all of the homeless people I encounter are rude, angry people. Some of them do things that are annoying and entitled. I just read a comment on the ENFP forum the other day from someone who said that a homeless guy came into her restaurant and wanted to use the bathroom, but they said it was only for customers. So he ordered a glass of water (free), and then while they were getting it for him he jumped up and went to the bathroom. Then when they complained to them he called them racist or something. What she actually said was, he said ‘I’m black, so I’m superior to you,’ or something like that, and I’m trying to recall exactly what she said. He might not have used those words.

I don’t behave that way when I’m homeless. I don’t go around breaking the rules and demanding that other people break them for me. When I’ve used food stamps, I don’t push people to secretly help me buy things that I’m not allowed to buy with food stamps. One annoying guy who was coming into Minit Mart was using food stamps, and he observed that there was no actual connection between the place where you swipe the food stamps and where you ring up the food on the cash register. He kept asking about it and wondering if he could just buy anything he wanted and pay for it with the food stamps. Technically, you can, but it requires the clerk to knowingly do something they know they’re not supposed to do, which has to make them uncomfortable – I myself do not like breaking rules, even if the rules might be kind of stupid. I don’t like to just blindly ignore the rules or openly defy them.

When I’m using food stamps, I don’t even try to buy hot food with them. I just buy what I’m supposed to buy and I don’t complain.

Although technically I know I would piss people off because I buy organic food. They think organic food is absolutely nothing but a scam. It isn’t. I have good reasons why I buy it. But it isn’t against the rules. It’s just something people sometimes complain about in articles on the internet. Oh, woe is me, I saw a food stamp user buying lobster with food stamps! That kind of thing.

You should be unhappier if they are buying soda and malnourishing food. But these people have no concept of nutrition, and so they think food stamp users should strike a balance between expensive food and total junk food – they should buy, for instance, canned
vegetables. That’s where they show their total ignorance of nutrition. Canned vegetables are about the equivalent of Coca-Cola in their nutritional value.

So I’m aware that there are people out there who believe I’m supposed to be buying nothing but canned vegetables to maximize the amount of food I can get on food stamps. But it isn’t an official rule.

Anyway, when I’m homeless, I’m respectful. I don’t violate places that people don’t want me to violate (except by living in the woods, where I stay as invisible as I can). I don’t barge into a restaurant and demand to use their bathroom when they clearly don’t want me to, and then call them a racist when they get annoyed with me. I just find *other* bathrooms to go to!

The only way I could ever call anyone a racist was if I were surrounded by Asians, who are much faster than I am in their thoughts and speech. I would seem like a slow, stupid person to them, a person who was lacking any deep insights and lacking any detailed

The racists downplay the degree of difference between Europeans and Asians. Their websites say that the IQ difference between an Asian and European isn’t that big. However, there are other differences that are not merely measured by IQ points, and those areas are very different. Speed of speech and thought isn’t accounted for in the IQ test. Detailed nuances, having a whole lot to say about a very small topic – finding one tiny topic, then opening it up to thousands upon thousands of new insights, expanding it and unfolding it – when I read things written by Asians I can tell it is a different writing style.

If I have anything negative to say about Asians, I might think that they are more cruel to animals than Europeans. That might be a general trend. Also, I can’t explain why the parts of Asia that were controlled by Britain are better places to live, if white people are inferior in *every* way. We might have, or rather, I can’t even say that – Hitler was white, and the Nazis were all violent dictators – what Asian countries ruled by Asians are good places to live? Singapore is or was ruled by Britain.

It’s very unlikely that I’ll ever have even one single child. I would consider mixing races with almost any race except Africans – I really, really have disliked Africans my entire life, even without anybody ‘teaching’ me to be a racist. I just didn’t start openly saying so until recent years. And that doesn’t mean that I believe in genocidally destroying them. But I sincerely want to avoid living in a location that has a lot of black people.

My coworker at MM is black and he’s a hard worker – he works much more than I do. He’s actually doing his job. One day, a particular guy who always comes in – we know him by name – joked to the black guy, ‘Don’t just do something, sit there!’ because he was sitting down at the table, after having done *all* the work the whole time from the beginning. He was *finally* sitting down. I jumped on this immediately and defended him. I said he was a lifesaver and that I’m the one who isn’t doing any work, and he did all the work, and if he hadn’t been here nothing would’ve gotten done.

He also isn’t giving me any sexual vibes, which I am thankful for.

But guess what, he has even more trouble counting than I do, doing mental calculations in a high-pressure situation. I can’t do mental math because my brain is being zapped every couple seconds, so all the numbers I’m trying to use just keep vanishing. People think I’m stupid for not being able to do mental math. Well, this guy is even worse at mental math and worse at counting than I am, so I help him when necessary.

I no longer have wifi at this laundromat. Monte Carlo Pizza finally moved. They were forced to move because they were told that this building would be demolished, but they’re postponing demolishing it, so Monte Carlo was in limbo for a really long time, living at two different places and paying two different rents. They remained in business here by the laundromat but also paid rent at the place they were planning to move to. Finally they gave up and moved, during the last couple months when I wasn’t here, when I was in the apartment. They had still been here when I was last camping.

So I can’t use their wifi now. I’m plugging things in and charging them, but will have to go to Burger King to use the wifi.

Then I will check my email and see what the RV lady said.

Money buys happiness, and I know it. I was talking about that. I have had nothing but recurring disasters for all these years, and haven’t even been able to save a pathetic amount like $2,000. That is how bad it’s been. I can’t even do the things that would permanently improve my life, like buy an RV, due to this total absence of money.

Would I help other homeless people buy an RV? Would I help them transition into an independent off-the-grid lifestyle where it wouldn’t cost so much to live? That’s why I was talking about how I dislike most homeless people. They don’t think the way I do. They might not understand what I’m getting at, the concept, that you have to live off-the-grid, live independently, live in a frugal way, but live without the amenities that other people take for granted, and do it in a location where you’re allowed to do it. I would have to communicate with each person individually to find out the reasons why they are homeless, why they are sick, why they are tired, why they are malnourished, why they are hopeless, why they are unmotivated. Every person has their own reasons for why they are where they are.

Nobody understands the homeless, and this annoys me. Homelessness isn’t just something that ‘happens.’ There is never anything that merely just happens for no reason. There’s a cause. Why does someone keep losing their jobs? Because that person has severe mental disabilities that make them unable to do even the simplest tasks. I know someone like that – her name is Jessica, and she’s black. She worked at McD with me for a while, and she could not count money.

She said she’s been taking sleeping pills ever since infancy, and the sleeping pills have affected her brain. Now she’s having babies with a white guy, who also is a bit weird – he seems to have facial tics, which are most likely the result of prescription drugs. He blinks his eyes a lot and really noticeably, and grimaces. She was forced to give up her baby for adoption because she had been involuntarily committed to a mental hospital and the ‘child protective services’ (the ones who kidnap children and sell them into sex slavery) decided she was unfit to be a mother.

Homelessness isn’t just something that happens. But also,
hunter-gatherers aren’t homeless. They don’t get kicked out of their houses for failure to pay the bills. However, primitive people might let disabled people die – but there aren’t as many disabled people, because healthy diets are universal in primitive societies, and they don’t develop Weston Price deformities or vaccination disease. Don’t point to the rampant deformities and diseases of a couple hundred years ago – those weren’t in primitive hunter gatherer societies. Those were in societies that were receiving white flour, alcohol, tobacco, sugar, and everything else from the white people.

I really hope I get this RV. It’s a small one. But I won’t be getting just one. I most likely will have more than one RV over time, and will use them for different purposes. It’s just hard to get out there to Williamsport where this lady is. I would have to rent a car, then drop it off in Williamsport, if I were going to drive home in the RV. I don’t have a set-in-stone agreement with her yet, and don’t have a date and time to be there. I’d like to be in West Virginia on August 2nd though. My brother will be there with my dad.

I guess I will go online and check everything, which means I have to unplug the phones even though they’re not quite done charging, and go to Burger King to use the wifi.

Would I help other homeless people? It depends. It depends on whether I can make them see the same vision that I have. I do have a vision. I have a vision of what should be done. I have a vision of what I want to be done. If I can communicate this vision to them, if they can share it and see it with me, then I might be able to help them. But if they still value the mainstream world, I cannot help them.

Well, this RV person is capable of communicating with me

July 28, 2017

It’s a she. She’s having a lot of problems and has to pay the bills (autocorrect, how did you know that I was about to say "the bills" when I had written the word "lay" instead of "pay" and you didn’t correct it? Do I frequently use the phrase "lay the bills?"). It’s a heartbreaking situation. She was unemployed for months and her mom has late stage Parkinson’s and she has bills to pay. Now I actually feel bad at taking her camper from her. I haven’t yet, but still.

I forgot what I was going to write

July 28, 2017

I’m waiting for my food at a restaurant. I’m speeding up my speech to interact with Asians, which means I might babble something meaningless just to fill up the space. Asian speech is much faster than mine. I am somewhat slow for a European-American, or white person, I just don’t like to claim the color "white" when Asians are just as pale as I am. I love them, but I feel that they are very superior, much faster, with more nuances. I just decided I had to eat at Say Sushi right now. I ordered something random. I don’t know if it will be any good. A guy, who was with a group of girls, said Hi to me as I approached the door on my way in here. I murmured hi. He was actually kind of cute. Not Asian, a skinny white guy. Omg, these people talk SO FAST.

I got a reply from a seller of an RV, but he said he was having problems mailing me a photo through the craigslist address. I tried to reply and gave him my email like he requested, but I’m guessing he’ll just never speak to me again. I need to get back online, which is now inconvenient for me.

I could put solar panels on the top of an RV. The one who replied was selling just a small RV with few features, but it could be my first of several. I don’t have to stop after owning only one RV.

How did Asians become so much faster? They are an order of magnitude faster.

The left hip joint is popping with every turn of the bike pedal

July 28, 2017

I have all the other signs too, such as numbness when the leg is in particular positions. It doesn’t hurt when it pops, but it’s annoying. It means it’s time to retire. I need a charger and battery for my electric bike, which means I need a home with permanent infrastructure to generate electricity. I cannot do it where I am without infrastructure. I also should try eating cartilage, but it makes me want to vomit. Tomorrow I’m off – hoping to rent a car and go to the rv dealer

the giver uses hands to transmit memories to the cluster of nerves in a person’s back

July 27, 2017

Lois Lowry said in the intro to The Giver that she had received many letters, including one from a man claiming to be the real Giver, and the FBI had looked him up and told her to avoid him. I know she’s and INFJ, and their vulnerable function is -Se, which means they cannot understand what is a real danger and what is a trivial danger. My roommate was afraid of my cat. She wanted doors always closed, and everything perfectly clean and in order, like the community in the book. There is a cluster of nerves in the human back that are designed to receive information, like the thing you hook up to in The Matrix, but made of nerves. All you have to do is touch them with your hands to transmit memories. He’s doing that in this book. I’ve experienced the sensations I feel by touching stones and crystals and shungite. I know there is an energy that flows. It is probably literally true that you can transmit memories psychically into someone’s back. This book is great so far. It also shows the dark side of INFJ – being -Se PoLR means they “door-slam” – a judgment against you means permanent death, never to see you again. The ENFP is also a door-slammer – they are afraid of anything that could overpower them (-Se) and are not sure which things are genuinely dangerous, so they slam doors against people and things that are misjudged as a threat when in fact they are not a threat, like myself. I always receive the door slamming, and I am not a threat.

I forgot Four, the super beautiful angel

July 26, 2017

He just came in here now. I forgot him because there is no affection, communication, or connection of any kind. He is too good for me. He’s very tall and slender and graceful, has long hair, and has an amazingly beautiful face and eyes. He looks like an elf of Lothlorien. His hair is light brown – are all the Lothlorien elves blond? Rivendell, if so. We have no communication whatsoever except strict business. I am a robot who accepts payment for purchases.

The three cute customers

July 26, 2017

Offhand, I can think of three cute guys right away. There might be a couple more I’ve forgotten. The one who just came in reminds me of Marty from The Cabin In The Woods. He has a kind of whiny voice and always seems slightly grouchy, and smokes. He has tattoos and big gauge earrings. His head is shaved. I like him because he’s skinny and weird, abnormal, not like other people. One time he came in, and he had used some kind of psych med that messed him up. He was walking around the store looking confused. I had a protective feeling towards him. I made him go sit down at a table, where he accidentally dozed off. That’s when he explained about the meds and about not having eaten all day.

The other guy i call Shaggy (in my mind), from Scooby Doo. He also is tall and skinny, with shaggy straight hair, and i think he might be a mechanic, but I can’t remember how I found that out. I don’t see him often, and I don’t communicate with him at all, so I have no affection for him. I merely like his looks.

The third guy isn’t skinny – he has just a little bit of belly fat – but his hair is a couple inches long. He has a nerdy, shy feeling. We communicate indirectly, symbolically, and emotionally. There is an unspoken feeling in my mundane words, like "Thanks, have a good night." One time I sounded sad to see him go. The next time, he paused significantly before leaving. It was an acknowledgement. He is nerdy because he says, "Have a pleasant evening." I really want to hug him.


July 26, 2017

I made it to work, but I have this terrible feeling of misery, sadness, fatigue, and pain. I’m barely able to function, and I feel that my concerns are elsewhere, in another world, not here, not at work.

I met one Matthew in my life, right after an event that might legally qualify as a form of rape, which gave me an STD that altered the outcome of events with Matthew. There were things I would’ve done differently if not for that. I can’t be sure that it would’ve changed Matthew’s response. I only know a few things would be different.

I washed off as well as I could in a bathroom sink. I have to wash my ankles, as they are constantly covered in poison ivy. We have a weird, abnormal breed of poison ivy, with abnormal leaf veins, and a milder irritant. It doesn’t cause me to break out in blisters, but causes irritation and itching. I forget my botanical terminology, so I can’t explain how the leaf veins are abnormal.

I don’t know what has triggered this feeling of misery. I am grieving Matthew and knowing that I will never meet another one as long as I live. I need to get my RV and quit my job and do things differently. I just need a day to rent a car and go to the RV dealer.

Okay – my hormones are acting up. That must be part of the problem. There is a customer who I think is kind of cute, and he came in here now and I was very strongly wanting to hug him or touch him or something. I am post-menstrual right now, which means I am pre-ovulation. This is the time when I can get pregnant.

I need to go get another STD test done. There are reasons why – I am not telling the whole story – I did something with Jesse, and he told me he had gotten chlamydia, and treated it, while in the army. So I must make sure I don’t have it, as I don’t know if he was just asymptomatic.

I feel so disgusting

July 26, 2017

I haven’t gotten used to this thing of not taking showers. It’s not so bad in the wintertime. I’m going to go to a bathroom before work and try to wash off as well as I can. I’m also planning to go to the RV dealer so that I don’t have to struggle with trying to get people on craigslist to acknowledge that I exist whenever I reply to their ads. I shouldn’t have to say some magic words or know some magic language that will magically please and placate the craigslist sellers and help me to compete against other potential buyers who know the magic language better than I do.

I’m sitting in the bright sun next to the library using their wifi, because I don’t want to go inside. I know too many people, and don’t feel like socializing right now, when I haven’t taken a shower, when I have to go to work in a while, when there is some mentally ill drug user guy who really actually has some kind of disability and who is extremely annoying – whenever he sees me he wants to always touch me and violate my physical boundaries. He’s extremely stupid, and every time I encounter him, the voices try to ask me what personality type he is. He could very well be a dual for all I know. I don’t know. I only know he’s retarded, and he must be on psychiatric meds, and he just wanders around town touching women and asking them to take their shoes off so that he can fetishistically worship their feet, which is horribly annoying. I’m not in the mood for dealing with that guy right now. I don’t care even if he is a dual. I still can’t stand him.

So, I will have to rent a car or a truck, and drive to the RV dealer. I only have to *decide* to do that. I have to either rent the car on my day off, or rent it early in the morning on a day when I work. I wanted at least a day to settle in and recover from moving, but now, I have to get up again and continue to work on this project. I have to make a change in my lifestyle. I need to do things differently to stop the same problems from happening over and over again.