Archive for November, 2009

the most recent herbal residue outbreak

November 25, 2009

I tried to get my car inspected a few weeks ago.  But I have these plastic trash bags covering my car seats.  So I took them off for the inspection.  I failed the inspection for a couple of reasons, so I will have to do it again.

 

I didn’t get around to putting trash bags back on the seats.  So I drove around without them for a while, a week or two, I forget.  And I think I was probably starting to get sick around that time, so even a small easy project like putting trash bags back on my seats was too hard for me to do.  So… the herbal residue contamination gradually got onto the clothes I was wearing.  Then I tried to wash them, which, as always, just spread it around to the entire piece of clothing and the whole batch of laundry.

 

So I’ve been wearing these contaminated clothes now for several weeks, and it has altered my moods and emotions.  I have had the ‘excessive friendliness’ or ‘excessive cheerfulness’ phenomenon several times, and some people at McDonald’s jokingly asked me what drug I was using and whether they could have some, because when I am that cheerful it seems like I’m smoking pot, which I am not.

 

What bothers me about this is that it is unreliable and inconsistent.  As soon as I put clean clothes on again, my mood will go back to being, well, whatever I am when I am not on drugs.  I am much more serious and not as friendly and cheerful, and I am more antisocial.  People will always wonder why my moods seem to swing and to change so much and they might even think that I am ‘bipolar’ or something.

 

Today I bought some car seat covers.  I didn’t want to get them – I had looked at them a few months ago, and decided that I wanted something made of vinyl, and they only had fabric ones.  But today I bought them anyway.  I had been trying to get myself to go to the fabric store, and buy some of the clear vinyl that I was imagining – I already went to the fabric store and found exactly what I wanted, but I didn’t buy it – the smallest project, no matter how trivial, has been too difficult for me, if it requires thought and effort.

 

To be realistic, I decided:  yes, it would be nice to have the vinyl, yes, it would be cheaper, yes it would be an easy and simple project and I could even use a stapler or something if I didn’t want to stitch the vinyl – but even that simple project was too hard for me to do, and if I had unrealistic expectations of being able to do something I couldn’t do, then it would never happen.  So I bought the seat covers, even though they were more expensive and not made of vinyl.

 

I’ve been having hypersomnia too – sleeping for a really long time, and having a hard time waking up.  That tells me that one of the drug residues is St. John’s Wort, which I already knew.

 

I will probably have to buy new seat covers eventually, and spend more money.  In the long run, I would like to reupholster the car, but that will be after all of my contaminated belongings in storage have been moved around, cleaned off, or thrown away, which will require me to drive them around in the car.  Not until after that’s all done will I reupholster it.

 

I think there were a few other things I wanted to say, but I don’t remember them right now.

 

Hopefully, since I got the car seat covers, and some new clothes, my moods should go back to the non-drugged version of me.  I wish I could explain it to people, I wish that they could accept it and understand it and forgive me for having strange moods for weeks at a time, and of course, sooner or later, I will want somebody to help me, but I am reluctant to ask for that right now – I think I would actually pay somebody money to help me clean up and throw away and sort through my stuff – mostly, I just need moral support.

 

I don’t need somebody to agree with every word I say, or believe everything I tell them without question.  I just want somebody who will at least listen to it, take it seriously, and possibly disagree, but at least talk about it without this angry rage explosion like what used to happen when I would talk about certain subjects with my ex-boyfriend.  When we tried to talk about certain things, he just couldn’t talk about them at all without some gigantic outburst and a fight.  People don’t have to just passively accept everything I say, but I want them to listen and talk about it and ask questions, without dismissing the whole subject as ‘crazy’ or shouting and screaming about it.  I’m mentioning that because yesterday I wrote about how I want people to respect my ideas, but that doesn’t mean that everybody is required to agree with every word I say.  The herbal residue contamination phenomenon is so strange and obscure, most people don’t know that it can happen.  They don’t know that it’s possible.  They don’t know how severe and life-ruining it is.  They don’t know that the strange things I’m doing are done for a reason, like throwing in the garbage a lot of my belongings because they can’t be cleaned well enough.  They wouldn’t believe how hard it is to clean something, and how tiny a quantity of residue is still enough to cause a severe reaction.

 

It’s just like a stain or an odor that you can’t get out of fabric.  If you’ve ever washed a red shirt with white shirts, and saw all of your white shirts turn pink, and they stayed that way forever until you bleached them – it’s just like that.  But you can’t bleach everything, and bleach doesn’t break down an active drug compound.  It might change the drug into some other drug, but it is still a drug that will cause a reaction.  I already tried to break down the drugs using bleach and chemicals, and often, it made them into something EVEN WORSE.  I can’t explain why it’s able to stay in the fabric, but it’s also able to let go of the fabric and pass through the skin.  That would imply that it’s able to come out if you only wash it a thousand times.  I would agree with that, but I already tried washing my laundry a thousand times – I remember, I went to the laundromat and I washed the same batch of laundry maybe five or six times in a row.  I sat there for hours and hours and hours.  When it was all dry, I touched it and I wore it, and I still had a very severe reaction.  I don’t know how many hundreds of times it would have to be washed.

 

I have to go – the library is closing….

Sx/So?

November 24, 2009

I’m still working on this, trying to decide my instinctual type.  After a conversation on the phone with Peter, they urged me to call myself sx/so instead of sx/sp.  It was because he likes to use sexual symbolism, and I don’t, and I find sexual symbolism to be annoying and irritating.  I only do it if I feel pressured to do it, to please the other person, but it’s not natural to me.  The sx/sp is supposedly one that enjoys, or tends to use, sexual symbols.  The particular symbol was ‘sucking on a lollipop.’  I get impatient with using symbols to refer to sexual acts.

 

I also remember having a lot of forced-hypnosis nightmares where they use symbols to refer to sexual acts, and then they force me awake, and then they remind me about the dream while I’m lying there half-awake, to explain to me that symbols were used in the dream, and to explain what the symbols meant, and then they force me to feel angry about it, even though I am physically incapable of feeling angry on my own, because I’m in a half-asleep hypnotized state where I can’t question anything or defend myself.

 

I watched Twilight – New Moon, without having read any of the books, and without seeing the first movie either.  I decided Bella is sx/sp.  She’s interested in bonding with ONE person, and she strongly values feeling part of a family.  Themes of family bonds are in that movie.

 

She also has the ‘extreme sports’ behavior that they said will happen with sx/sp.  It’s not limited to just that type, though, because I loved skiing and if I had infinite money, I’d do more sports (although my old bones might be developing osteoporosis, because of a variety of factors, such as the drug contamination, which are bad for my health).

 

Another theme was ‘my lover will physically protect me.’  I can understand that, but it wasn’t a big issue for me.  I don’t really like ‘big muscles’ type guys and I never really fantasized much about being rescued or protected by the guy.  Instead, I am more focused on whether the guy respects my intelligence, my competence, my knowledge, my decision-making (social respect) because most of the time in my life I feel as though nobody takes me seriously (Nicole couldn’t possibly know anything about medicine – she’s not a doctor – I’ll only listen to the doctor’s advice and I’ll dismiss everything that Nicole says I should/shouldn’t be doing.  She has these crazy, delusional ideas that she got off the internet.).  It’s more important to me that the guy sees me as somebody socially respected – not socially inferior – not somebody to dismiss and ignore all of my radical ideas and things I found on the internet.  ‘Take me seriously’ is the issue, instead of ‘protect me from physical danger.’

 

For the sx/so, my feeling is more like, ‘All of society needs to be drastically changed.’  To solve every problem, no matter how trivial, you have to ***CHANGE THE ENTIRE WORLD!!!!!***  This is like reading Ayn Rand’s objectivist books, or like the feminist belief system, or environmentalism.  Radical ideas, with ‘-ism’ at the end, are what sx/so’s are interested in.

 

Here, in my mid-thirties, when I want to start a family, and I want to avoid getting a divorce, and I want to have children before I lose the opportunity forever – I now have to teach myself to accept family values, when this didn’t come naturally to me.  Family values – marry one person, and only one person, and stay with them forever – trust that person not to beat you up and abuse you, not to trap you financially and make you dependent, not to be boring and unattractive and sexually unsatisfying – I have to think about all of those things.  I am asking questions about polyfidelity – can it be possible, or desirable, to be bonded for a long time with more than one person?  Is there a real need to do that, or does it mean that your relationship has something wrong with it, something missing, which you are trying to find someplace else?  Why would my husband ‘pay me to stay home’ if I were having sexual relationships with more than one person?  What is he paying for, if not monogamy?  Why would one person have to pay, and another person doesn’t?  Because that’s what you’re doing, when you marry someone and make her a housewife.  She’s receiving food and shelter, which is money in the form of barter.

 

(With farming, the work is done at home, and so I agree with the Amish that the farm lifestyle is ideal for families.  The husband doesn’t go away – he stays home to do his work.  The children can be with their father and their mother both, all day long, while the farm work is done.  Children are legally allowed to work on the farm, whereas the child labor laws forbid them to work anyplace else (solution… you guessed it, ‘change society,’ change the rules, it shouldn’t be illegal for children to work).)

 

And the person also has to be willing to ‘pay me to stay home.’  Because it’s usually illegal or socially unacceptable or just a rule in a particular corporation, we’re not allowed to carry our infant babies to work and breastfeed them in the workplace while we do our job.  (To fix this problem, we have to ***CHANGE ALL OF SOCIETY!!!***)  It shouldn’t be illegal, against company policy, or socially unacceptable to bring your baby to work and breastfeed it in the workplace.  This type of belief is more like an sx/so, because it’s focused on problems with the social system, with the large-scale social environment.  I’m just trying to pinpoint which type I am and I haven’t yet gone on a forum and asked other people for their opinions.

 

So anyhow, as I’ve been trying to figure out my instinctual type, I decided that the ‘change society’ attitude probably means I’m an sx/so.
I haven’t talked much about this for a while, but ‘they’ have encouraged me to create a new religion, and I accepted this as something I would agree to do.  It can’t be done instantly, and it is more like a life mission, something that will take a long time.  My religion REQUIRES breastfeeding, and to not breastfeed is against the religion.  It is an explicit rule.  You must find a wet nurse if for any reason you cannot breastfeed.  So I have to plan a way that I will be able to do this, and either work on the farm, or get paid to stay home, or break rules, or find a corporation that will allow me to literally carry my baby around with me all day.  This is something I have to plan out before I can marry someone – he has to agree to it.

 

I just keep thinking, I wouldn’t want to do that if I were a man.  I’ve read Warren Farrell.  Because of that, I try to see things from the man’s point of view.  He becomes a slave, especially if he hates his job.  I can understand how it feels to hate your job, because I’ve never really loved any job that I ever worked at, except I sincerely enjoy McDonald’s, especially College Avenue during a football game, when it’s total insanity that goes on for hours and hours.  Working at College Avenue McDonald’s during a football game weekend is an extreme sport.

 

And I bonded with the people there and I don’t want to leave them.  Not only that, but on the last night when I expected to work there, my own store asked me to stay instead of going to College Avenue, so I unexpectedly didn’t get to go to College Avenue, so I didn’t say goodbye to anybody, and I just didn’t show up.  That sucked.  So then I went there a few days ago to pick up some Angus buns for our store because we ran out of them, and I had to see the people again, the familiar faces, and I saw grief and pain and sadness.  I don’t want to separate from these people.  They liked me and I liked them.

 

But football season is over and I have no excuse to go work at that store.  I would have to deliberately ask for a special arrangement to just go work there for the heck of it, or transfer there and disconnect from all  the people I’ve bonded with at my OWN store, which I also don’t want to do.  To ‘Have it all,’ to stay connected with all the people I know at all the different McDonald’s, would mean that I would have to work at the Nittany Mall, North Atherton, Hills, and College Avenue, because they are scattered to all of those places.

 

But anyway, about being a financial slave, paying your wife to stay home and watch soap operas – I know about that because of Warren Farrell.  So in order to avoid a bad marriage, I need to plan out what kind of arrangement my husband would be willing, and happy, to do.  I would like to earn money somehow myself while being married, so it would have to be a home business, or whatever.

 

I don’t have time now to get into it, because I’m on the library computer and I’m running out of time.  I drank coffee a while ago, and haven’t eaten, and I know from past experience that if I do that, it causes me to write blogs that go on for hours and hours and hours, because writing is a substitute for eating, for taking care of myself.  Talking too much usually means that you have some kind of physical problem, like drug use, drug withdrawal (usually tobacco), hunger, low blood sugar, or a ‘chemical problem’ – artificial flavors, salicylates, etc – like the Feingold diet talks about.  Tobacco in particular I’m familiar with, because over the years I’ve known so many people who either smoke or chew tobacco, and I’ve seen how their tobacco ups and downs, their uses and withdrawals, affect their moods and behavior.

 

I’m sure I’ll think of more stuff I didn’t get to write.  And I haven’t even done all the other things I need to do on the internet and I won’t have time.  More later then.

anorexic for about six weeks now

November 11, 2009

this is just like last winter. i am getting the stomach flu over and over again almost every week. i don’t have my scale – it’s packed in storage somewhere – but i think i have lost ten or fifteen pounds. my ribs and my hipbones are visible through the skin, and i can fit into pants that were originally too small.

i might soon be able to have my computer at my house again and get online there, which means i will be getting online more often. there is still herbal residue all over most of my belongings, and when i go through the stuff in storage, i have a drug reaction, and i do things which i call ‘drug-facilitated externally controlled behaviors.’ or something like that. it’s not just ‘drug-induced behaviors,’ because what’s really happening is the drugs make me more easily controlled and i do whatever ‘they’ make me do. not having a computer in the house, and not unpacking any of my belongings, was protecting me against doing things online that i didn’t want to do, such as trying over and over again to contact a particular person.

one good thing that’s been going on is that i am finally finishing up the schaum’s outline of bookkeeping and accounting. i am at almost the last chapter now. technically, it’s the last chapter, but i’m also going to do the exercises in the appendix too, so that’s like one more chapter.

i decided a couple years ago that i would study bookkeeping because it would be important for me to know if i wanted to start my own business.

‘they’ have continued paying attention to ichazo’s three instincts: self-preservation, social, and sexual. they decided i am probably not sp/sx, but instead i am sx/sp. the primary motive for that type, according to the ‘info from the underground’ page, ocean-moonshine.net (if you type in that url, you get an error – you have to google that url instead) anyway, according to that page, the primary motive for the sx/sp is ‘to form a secure union.’

avoiding insecure unions, and forming a secure one, has indeed been a central theme that i have noticed over these years. when i get laid off from jobs, most of the pain is from being separated from the people i got to know, and not so much because i had to take lower income jobs (although that was a problem too). the thing that bothers me most about unstable jobs is that i keep losing people over and over again after bonding with them. and i hate employee turnover at these low-wage jobs, and it bothers me a lot whenever new people get hired and then quit or get fired a few weeks later.

there’s a lot more to it but i have limited time because i’m at the library.

‘attracted to radical ideas’ is another attribute of the sx-first group, and that fits me.

i was also going to comment about my dreadlocks. they don’t look as good as they look on someone who has thicker hair. my hair is so thin that there aren’t many locks, and there are big spaces between them. but i’m getting attached to having dreadlocks, anyway. i want to see whether they really will allow my hair to grow beyond ‘classic length,’ hip length, which is where it finally stopped growing.

dreadlocks start at the roots. i never knew how they started. i had the idea that they would start at the ends, and you would have to manually keep doing something to make the roots lock up. but you don’t have to do anything. i stopped washing with shampoo, and the grease causes the hair to tangle together. i gave up on trying to comb it, and it started to form dreadlocks, but only at the roots. the ends are still loose, and i could comb them if i wanted to. they only have a few tangles. so almost all of my hair is still loose, with only a few inches of locks developing at the roots.

it reminds me of the matted dog hair on crystal, our old samoyed we used to have. i combed out some of those mats and it took a long time but it could be done. if i combed out my mats, there would be a huge amount of loose hair that would disconnect while i was combing it. hair disconnects at the roots and starts over again, which is why it only reaches a certain length and then stops. the locks prevent the disconnected hairs from falling off. so according to that theory, my hair should grow longer than its maximum length.

i have seen one guy who has, like, one big dreadlock on his head. he’s someone who i see around town, who might be homeless, i don’t know. i am wondering if my hair will gradually become all one single large mat, because the mats tend to interconnect with each other. i don’t think i will really like it if that happens, but i can always fix it if i want to. so i am starting with lots of small strings and small mats which are gradually connecting into larger ones.

i haven’t gotten into the box of papers in storage, but i just requested a password change so i could get back into my blogs again.