Archive for August, 2011

Meh. Universe collapsing, end of life as we know it, undying devotion, eternal suffering, whatever.

August 26, 2011

So I emailed my latest victim.  I sent him a massive wall of text that said something to the effect of ‘OMG! I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU! YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING CREATURE IN THE UNIVERSE!!! THE WORLD IS ENDING! WE’RE DOOMED!’  And he wrote me a reply that said something to the effect of, ‘Meh, whatever.  I’m too busy working and studying to really read or write anything.  No big deal.’ 

It was kind of nice to see a neutral reply.  He didn’t say, ‘OMG! THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU! YOU SHOULD SEE A PSYCHIATRIST!’  He just viewed me as probably non-threatening.  I’m not threatening violence, I’m not slandering him or damaging his reputation, I’m not stalking him, I’m not even throwing rude insults at him, I’m just being sort of clingy and writing comments that are too long.  Whatever, life goes on.  That seems to be his judgment of me. 

So anyhow, I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing here in the real world.  He’s obviously not interested in me, but at the same time, not freaked out by me either.  It’s nice to just get this neutral and undisturbed response.

tearing myself to shreds. everyone knows by now what I’m doing. it’s the same thing every time.

August 25, 2011

So I am sort of trying not to rip myself to shreds over a particular person who I do not know and have only seen online.  I’m going to quote another forum member, but before I do, read this disclaimer:  Don’t do drugs.  The end.  He compares these experiences to drugs, and I don’t like drugs, so that sort of makes me not like the description as much.  But here it is.

I got upset because I sent a message and didn’t get an answer, and whenever that happens, I completely freak out, and completely fall apart.  There had been one or two messages that got a reply, then one that didn’t, and that’s when I freaked.  So I did a sort of self-imposed semi-ban on myself yesterday, and anyway, I was trying to go shopping and get some supplies that I didn’t have any money for in the previous couple weeks. 

It is that terrible anxiety that I always get because I know what will happen.  I will try too desperately to bond with somebody who doesn’t want to reciprocate, and that person will start ignoring me or openly rejecting me, and if they ignore me, I will start to wonder if they’re even getting my letters.

These people are not plentiful and you don’t just bump into them on the street every day.  When I find people who are interesting to me, it’s something that doesn’t happen very often.  Intelligent people are also not easily found on dating websites, either.  I actually crumbled yesterday because of this latest freaking-out and I tried looking at the dating site again, but it’s this endless wasteland of people, and I pity them, but I also do not find them interesting. 

It would not be so bad, except that I looked at pictures of this person, and I liked the way he looked. 

I can’t believe it’s already 11:28.  I was just charging the laptop battery, and I didn’t realize how long I had been here.  I have to go to work at 2:00. 

Bit by bit, my life progresses.  I get into some kind of a problem with these people and rip myself apart over them and then I keep going and doing the things that I have to do.  Well, at least my tortured reaction to him might possibly hint that he might have chosen the correct personality type, because this is how I would respond to that type.  I am in the real physical world, doing things like cleaning up my drug residues, and going to work, and buying supplies, and sleeping in my car.  And then some inconveniently faraway person is in the online world where I cannot really reach them, but I have no such people immediately available in my life in the world around me.  They hide in their little worlds, wherever they are.  They don’t work at my workplace.  My workplace is the only social environment that I have. 

He has his own life, over there, and he is doing whatever he is doing.  I don’t know anything about him, about his life, about his relationships, about his history, I don’t even know how old he is (although I thought I saw something about that somewhere), I don’t know what he does for a living. 

So, each minute of my life goes by. I will go to work today.  I will earn a few more dollars.  I will keep a much larger percentage of those dollars than I kept in the past when I was paying rent; and no matter that my car doesn’t have all the conveniences of an apartment – there is nothing more empowering than actually being able to save my money and use it for the things I really want and need. 

I have this sort of pain and addiction and grief and desperation, and I’m familiar with all this because it’s happened so many times before.  I don’t know the exact details of just how horrifyingly humiliating this will become.  I can’t stop it.  I literally feel as though there is a bond connecting me through the computer to some person far away, and I have to literally rip this bond and walk away from the computer.

cleaning up today, I think

August 24, 2011

So I got my direct deposit.  That means that I will be cleaning things up that have been causing me to have reactions.  I will be spending a small amount of money on things like trash bags, cleaning wipes, and a couple items of Goodwill clothing, and a blanket. 

 I would swear that I’m ovulating in addition to having other reactions.  I am doing this thing of trying to bond with people online.  However, this should get better as soon as I clean up the stuff that’s causing my reactions, because I will calm down overall and won’t be as impulsive or obsessive.  I will also be able to stop drinking coffee again whenever I am no longer having the reaction, because the reaction is making me tired and apathetic, and that’s one reason why I’ve been drinking coffee, to keep myself barely functioning.

I have HAD it! Dollar theatre is now closed!!!

August 23, 2011

I just decided to go to the dollar theatre again.  When I got there, I said, ‘Why isn’t there anybody here?’  The parking lot seemed to have very few cars in it.  Then I looked at the sign.  It said “THEATRE CLOSED. THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATRONAGE.”  No! What the fuck! 

The dollar theatre was the only one I really enjoyed going to.  It always had pretty big crowds, almost always, no matter which show you went to. 

I understand all about running a business, and I know they were bankrupt, and I know they have to pay rent or property tax on the building.  I know all about that.  I know they declared bankruptcy a few years ago.  I think it was the whole company, Carmike, that was going bankrupt.  I know it’s impossible to run a business profitably nowadays. 

But this happened all of a sudden without warning.  They didn’t used to be a dollar theatre – they were a regular priced theatre.  So they changed their prices when the two new borrowed-money theatres were built, the huge gigantic ones, the ones that, in my opinion, cannot possibly ever be profitable enough to cover the huge cost of their enormous parking lots and enormous buildings.  I thought that maybe, for the small theatre, reducing their prices to $1 was actually working, and it was actually keeping them profitable.

It is getting harder and harder for people to get movies, unless, if and only if, they are connected to the net and are downloading movies, or renting from Netflix.  All other methods have ceased to exist.  I used to love going to a movie rental place and randomly or semi-randomly picking things off the shelves – that’s how I found, for instance, an interesting movie called…. (will I be able to remember this?) “The Chumscrubber.”  I’ve often found random movies that way. 

It won’t be long before Barnes & Noble closes.  In fact, all of the businesses that go ‘in the black’ on ‘Black Friday,’ all of the businesses that are unprofitable all year long, but suddenly become profitable merely because of Christmas and nothing else, are the most vulnerable.  All of those mini-mall businesses, all those women’s clothing stores and shoe stores, are vulnerable.  I won’t miss them when they close.  I hate the borrowed-money mini-malls; however, right now, we have no alternative to them, because they destroyed the competition. 

I’m having some intense moods and I might even be ovulating, because I’m getting excessively emotional over people I’m talking to online.  Very small comments are triggering me to get extremely upset and intensely focused upon a person.  This is because I’ve spent so much time online during my last couple weeks of temporarily postponing everything.  I’ve spent all day fooling around online as a substitute for spending any money or gas.  Being attached to people online is very addictive right now.  I don’t necessarily trust myself to see things clearly or understand things clearly.

Found an ILE and LSE at work; took a walk at Millbrook Marsh

August 22, 2011

This morning I got up and took a walk at the park before going to the library, which wasn’t open yet.  I needed to come here to recharge both my netbook and my cell phone.  So I walked at Spring Creek Park and went to Millbrook Marsh.

The sky is blue and clear, with a few low cumulus clouds.  I walked to the creek and watched the water flow.  The water was a little cloudy, as it had just rained yesterday.  I kept my shoes on this morning, but I had the urge to wade into the creek.  I didn’t do it.

I went to Millbrook Marsh.  Everything was beautiful – the weather, the sun and sky, the temperature, the trees, the flowers, the dewy grass.  I chewed on a leaf of peppermint.  I crouched down and cupped a handful of water from the creek, where it was flowing through hundreds of plants in the marsh, and I drank it.  A little bit later I ate one single intolerably sour wild grape, crunching the seeds, and I swallowed it and didn’t spit it out, but it definitely was not pleasant.  Later on after that I scratched open a little lobe of a garlic ‘flower’ with my fingernail, one of those tiny little onion-shaped things, and I licked it to taste the garlic – it was delicious and I wanted more of it, but I know from experience that if I eat it it will make me almost throw up. 

I walked around for a while and then went back to my car.  I saw the graffiti written on the bridge supports under the highway, and I wanted to write something about socionics there, just to tell people that it exists, because I’ve become a socionics evangelist. 

I just told someone about it yesterday.  I had been complaining in the forum that I didn’t work with any intuitives.  But yesterday I worked with a guy who I hardly ever work with.  Every time I hear him talking in his loud voice, I am always magnetically pulled across the room to hear whatever he is saying.  I didn’t know why.  I knew he was some kind of thinking type, not a feeling type.  Whatever he says, it’s always interesting. 

He was talking to the suspected ESE manager.  They constantly joke around with each other and it’s hilarious to listen to.  I didn’t hear the whole conversation, but they were talking about the glass being half full or half empty.  The one guy said it was completely empty, but ‘at least we have a glass!’  This made me laugh out loud.  Then he said he was going to put the glass outside and let it fill with rainwater.  I started to suspect intueor, which I rarely see at work.

So I started talking to him about personality types, and I told him I suspected he might be an ENTP.  He studies engineering in school, so he is scientific-minded.  I told him about personality types and asked him if he had ever taken the Myers-Briggs test.  He said no. 

Then he started telling me all about how it’s not possible to categorize people, and that he himself doesn’t fit into a category, because he’s really unusual, and with every word he said, I became more convinced he was an ENTP, because that’s what an ENTP would say!  ENTPs always respond with that exact same response:  ‘you can’t fit people into neat little boxes, especially not me.’  The people who express that particular opinion all belong to the category of people who express that particular opinion!  They are predictable. 

I explained that the Myers-Briggs actually wasn’t that good, but it’s widely available and easy to find in the USA, which is why I asked him if he’d ever taken that test before, and why I said ‘ENTP’ instead of ‘ILE.’  I wrote down ‘socionics’ on a piece of paper, and wrote down his type, and also my type, and I explained that socionics was better because it also described the relations between the types.  (There are a lot of other reasons why it’s better, but it’s too technical to explain to a beginner who’s never heard of it before.)

We got into a discussion of how personality typing systems can’t account for people’s differences of beliefs, and I agreed with him – I said, for instance, that if you have two people of the same type, one of them might be an atheist, and the other might be religious, and the personality typing system doesn’t go into enough detail to account for all of those differences.

Then, somehow, at random, we ended up talking about the theory of relativity, quantum mechanics, and string theory.  I don’t recall why he jumped to that topic, but the fact that he did so totally convinced me ‘intueor’ and ‘ILE.’  He said that I was the first person in about three years who had actually understood what he was talking about when he mentioned the theory of relativity and quantum mechanics and string theory. 

I have heard of all of those things before, partly because my father reads about a lot of that.  I know vaguely how magnetic resonance imaging works, for instance, because Dad was trained in how to use it as a radiologist, and I remember when it was newly becoming popular, because Dad had to go to some faraway place to get his training, like Texas or something, and he was gone for a long time, like a couple of weeks.  I just remember he was going away to be trained in MRI. 

When he came home he told us how it works.  The little particles are spinning – but they’re not literally ‘spinning,’ that’s just a metaphor that we imagine to describe what they’re doing – and when you hit them with a magnetic field, it sort of knocks them into a different direction of spin for a minute, and when they go back to their original direction or tilt or whatever, they give off a piece of energy, which the detector picks up.  The detector puts together all of this data into the image that we see. 

So I’ve vaguely heard about some of that stuff from my father, and I have read about it in various places, and I always loved science classes in school.

It was an enjoyable conversation, but I have no fear that I will end up in a semi-dual relationship with him.  Once you’ve experienced your duals and activators, once you know what they are and what to look for, there is no going back – they are the most beautiful and wonderful people you can imagine, and nobody else can ever replace them.  I love the people in my quadra, all of them, and I’m amazed by how easy it is to communicate with them and to be understood by them. 

I retyped somebody else yesterday.  The social dynamics changed because my favorite SLI guy left.  He was like 6 ft 6 or something, really really tall, and extremely skinny, and always goofing around and doing things like hiding under the big giant boxes and then crawling around on the floor while under the box.  I adored him and we always had a great time working together.  He went back to school and he quit McD because he was going to be taking a huge amount of classes and wouldn’t have any spare time for anything else, especially work.  So I cried when he left, and I hugged him.

But now that he is gone, the social dynamics changed.  Suddenly a guy who I had thought was ESE started to seem more like an LSE.  He was sort of gloomy and irritable, and always expressed emotions and insults.  However, an LSE is able to do that.  Their role function, emoveo, is extraverted and it is visible to onlookers.  He drinks a lot of alcohol and might possibly be on drugs, I don’t know, which explains why he is always in a sour, grumpy, sick, drunk sort of mood. 

He often seems to be drunk at work.  The other day, he was trying to go around me in a narrow area, and he lost his balance and sort of slowly fell down into a big box full of styrofoam cups, crushing a bunch of them, and he laughed.  Then yesterday he sort of fell backwards into a trash can, again because we were trying to get around each other in a narrow area.  I’m pretty sure I smelled alcohol at one point, and he talks about getting drunk.  So I mistyped him due to his drunken moods.

I started having some conversations with him.  Now that the SLI guy is gone I was working with this other guy and getting to know him.  As soon as I expressed a valuing of profiteor he started becoming more alert and responsive.  (I’d like to use the initials, like P or E, for those IM elements, but I’m not quite confident enough to do that, when I’m still anxious about the fact that nobody else uses those names.  I’m not sure when I’ll give up and just go back to calling them Te and Fe.)  I asked him if he was in college right now, and he became anxious, and said no.  He then started saying that he wanted to go back to school, and intended to do so.  He expressed the feeling that there was a need to go back to school.  I started talking about debt, and he said no, he wasn’t thinking of going to Penn State, but would rather go to something small like the community college or a business school, which I totally agreed with, because the enormous debt from a school like Penn State isn’t worth it. 

While we were having this discussion, he became stronger and more alert, and he seemed to sense that I valued and respected his logic function.  I noticed that he really wasn’t all that emotionally expressive after all – not like the two other guys who I am very sure are ESE.  (Well, one of them I’m absolutely sure.  The other one has been hard to type, and I’ve wondered sometimes if he was SEE, but he’s way too outwardly emotional.  Theoretically he could be an SEI, except he seems very extroverted.)

Anyway, the only reason I was talking to him in depth was because Eric the SLI was gone and I was now working with these other guys who I didn’t usually work alone with. 

I also bonded with an ESI girl who Eric and I both always liked.  She seems to miss him too.  So she was talking to me instead, and we were working together, and I was showing her how to do some things, how to make some sandwiches.  We are both sad that Eric is gone. 

I always make mistakes with my typings.  I make mistakes over and over again.  I overlook people who have types that I would value.  Probably, I will always make mistakes.  I often ‘hear voices’ that suggest a particular type for a person, and so that is where a lot of my changed typings come from – not from myself. 

This is probably the last week where I won’t have any money.  I am out of money again.  I used some of my money last week to pay the storage unit, and I used the rest for food, and to put gas in the car.  So I am being passive and sitting around not doing anything, because my primary project is to get the stuff out of the storage unit, which requires me to do a lot of driving back and forth, and it also requires a lot of decontamination supplies, and I don’t have the money to pay for gas or supplies.  So I’m spending a lot of time at the library just fooling around on the internet. 

Not only that, but I’m still drinking coffee, temporarily, and still having a residue reaction, temporarily, both of which cause me to be talkative at the forums.  After I quit the coffee, and after I clean up, I will become quiet again, which is regrettable, but I feel it’s necessary.  When I am on coffee and/or having these reactions, I become a poetic writer, expressing myself passionately, and people can see that in my writing and they like it, but when I am ‘clean,’ my writing style become more dry and matter-of-fact, rather dull, lacking sexuality, lacking passion and spirit.  My writing style is more interesting when I am either caffeinated or having one of my reactions.  I regret giving that up, but I have my reasons.  People can remember that the spirit is still inside me, but silent.  It is a potential of me.

totally dead today

August 21, 2011

I am totally exhausted today.  It might be because we were really busy at McDonald’s again.  The students are back in town, and so our business level jumped from ‘dead’ to ‘chaos.’  The roads are filled with traffic, and I’m scared of having an accident.  I like it better when McDonald’s is very busy.  It’s boring when it’s too slow. 

That’s something I like about that job – you don’t just stand around doing nothing, the way you would if, for instance, you were the sales clerk at a clothing store at the mall, and all you did was stand there for hours waiting for customers who never came, or if they did come in, they would browse but not buy anything.  I don’t know how any clothing stores stay in business during a non-recession, during ‘normal’ economic situations, much less in a depression like this one where many people have been laid off and are unemployed. 

My favorite coworker’s last day was yesterday.  I gave him a hug goodbye.  Some of the girls tied him up with duct tape to try to prevent him from leaving, and then they took a picture of him.  I was laughing hysterically while watching this, but it also made me feel extremely anxious, because I can’t stand to see anyone in a helpless position that they can’t get out of – what if there was a fire or an explosion or something, and we had to get out of the building?  I felt jealous too, but I know all about jealousy – it is something you will feel again and again, no matter how much you tell yourself not to, and you’ll survive.  Jealousy wouldn’t be a problem for me if: 1. I had my own boyfriend, or 2. we lived in a society where it was socially acceptable to touch people casually much more often than we do, so that I would feel like my touch needs were more easily fulfilled.  If I did not feel touch-deprived, I would not feel as jealous of other people being a ‘threat’ to my relationship with someone. 

I’ve been telling myself ‘I need my dual.’  Very soon I will try to meet people again, in a couple weeks when I have settled a few of the things that are bothering me, mainly my drug residue reaction, which requires me to spend a small amount of money to patch up a few things, and I ran out of money because I took the two week vacation. 

I went over to PersonalityCafe and evangelized socionics a little bit the other day.  I wanted to go to a very busy forum with lots of people, because the16types forum seemed a little slow and inactive.  At PersonalityCafe, there was a thread where it seemed like a dozen different people already knew about, and already agreed with me about, chemicals that are causing today’s children to have endocrine problems.  So I added to that conversation.  It’s easier to find – omfg, all I did was press the CAPS lock key and it kicks me out of Notepad!!! – anyway, it’s easier to find ISTPs there because it has such a large number of people in the forum, so it seemed like a lot of people gave a perspective similar to my own.  I need to attract lots more people to socionics in English, and to the16types forum. 

I need to integrate some how-to information with socionics.  I’ve been thinking about this, and I am specifically interested in communication and persuasion.  I remember reading the ‘When I Say No I Feel Guilty’ book a very long time ago, about assertiveness training.  It gave specific techniques, specific things to say.  I’d like to see a similar how-to book oriented towards socionics knowledge.  If you guess that someone is a particular type, then you know how to convince or persuade them about something, or you know which methods of persuasion are the least likely to work. 

Different people of the same socionic types have different beliefs.  You can find religious people and atheists of all types.  I think Ayn Rand was either an ILI or an LIE, and yet she strongly influenced me and gave me the background for all my beliefs about the government.  Yet there would be people out there who would ignore everything she wrote because it was written in the wrong ‘language’ for their socionic type.  If you are in the Alpha quadra, you might dislike her emphasis on business and profit.  You would feel like you’re the one that she’s complaining about and ranting about when she attacks artists who don’t want to get a job, for instance – the IEI and the SEI personality type’s worst weakness is Profiteor, which is associated with real-world practical logic, what works and what doesn’t work, and profit, and effectiveness, and it’s associated with knowing that you have to get a job and make money and save money, and actually feeling a strong desire to do so.  The SEI and IEI will still have jobs and still make money, but if anything goes wrong, if they can’t find a job, or if they can’t get a job in their field, they will have a tendency to do exactly the type of thing that Ayn Rand always complained about:  they will want to express their feelings first, and they will have less of a natural desire to be businesslike and efficient in their job hunting process. 

I always feel this stomach-clench of anxiety when I use Gulenko’s latin words for the function names.  Nobody else in English is using them.  A small number of Gulenko’s circle are using them in Russian. 

P, Profiteor, Te, Extraverted Thinking/Logic
E, Emoveo, Fe, Extraverted Feeling/Ethics
I, Intueor, Ne, Extraverted Intuition
F, Factor, Se, Extraverted Sensing
L, Lex, Ti, Introverted Thinking/Logic
R, Relatio, Fi, Introverted Feeling/Ethics
T, Tempus, Ni, Introverted Intuition
S, Sensus, Si, Introverted Sensing

My absolute favorite page on Wikisocion is the page where they show what happens when each information element is in each function position.  For instance, if S is your base function, then you’re like this, and if it’s your vulnerable function, then you’re like this, and so on, for all eight functions.  I’m not online, so I can’t go find the link right now. 

The two-letter ‘dichotomous’ function names are easier to use in a lot of ways.  Te and Ti, for instance, shows that there is a connection between those functions – T – but they are manifested differently.  Profiteor and Lex, however, don’t show in their names any kind of connection to each other.  Yet if you are strong in one of those functions, you are also strong in the other one, but you don’t value it and don’t use it in the same way.  Again, I love socionics because of Model A.  I’ve been looking at the ‘American model’ when I go to PersonalityCafe, and they hardly ever even acknowledge that all those ‘other’ functions exist at all, the ‘shadow’ functions, which are viewed as an obscure, esoteric thing that you don’t really need to know about, something kind of unimportant that only the experts ever get into.  In socionics, it would be unthinkable for you not to know about the ‘vital ring’ functions – the equivalent of the ‘shadow’ functions.

I am understanding that the particular order of the functions is kind of arbitrary – almost – but not quite – and even if the American system insisted that they wanted them in a different order, that would be okay… except that they also order the functions differently for introverts than they do for extraverts.  There is a different rationale for why they choose the particular functions they choose, and why they order them the way they do.  It’s such a mess I don’t even want to try to untangle it.  It’s just not worth messing with.  Just drop it and do socionics instead.  Their model has everything in the same position, with the same method of choosing functions, for all 16 types.  Each function position is meaningful – it conveys information about how the person uses that function.  And this is always the same.  And all eight function positions are important and worth knowing.

I’m becoming fascinated with, and curious about, the demonstrative function.  It’s an extremely important function, but less well known and less talked about than the ego functions.  It is four-dimensional, and as such, it is as strong as your base function.  My four-dimensional demonstrative Lex explains why I went years and years collecting ‘belief systems.’  I read about economics and I picked and chose authors that felt like they were logically well explained.  If I liked their way of writing, their way of thinking, then I kept them in my mental list of ‘good authors.’  It all began with Ayn Rand, but years later, I was picking my authors independently, with some kind of internal standard of which ones were good and which were bad. 

I have this instinctive, automatic feeling that tells me that their words are meaningless gibberish, if it’s bad writing.  I can feel that they are using a large number of poorly defined words, and that is how I decide that they are a bad author.  I don’t want this to sound judgmental or to make everyone think that I’m constantly judging them as ‘bad authors,’ but rather, it’s when I’m looking around for information about things that are important to me, such as economics, where you have to make big decisions and if you do the wrong thing, you can lose a lot of money, so you have to have a good theory behind the choices you make.  So I look for good theories. 

And I’ve become convinced that it’s extremely dangerous to invest in any kind of ‘stock market’ type of investment, where you put money into it and you sit there passively waiting for the ‘value,’ quote unquote, to ‘go up,’ quote unquote.  The entire concept, the entire definition, of ‘value’ and ‘going up’ is so misleading and so poorly defined that I simply do not want to use that concept at all.  Value is relative.  And it is very hard to define. 

And we are not connecting our money’s value directly to gold and silver, so our money’s value is even more flexible and variable.  And even if you connected it to gold and silver, there still would be ways to manipulate the value of gold and silver, as the markets and the banking system use speculation, for instance, to control the prices of things.  Antal Fekete and Garet Garrett and other authors have convinced me that speculation didn’t used to be the problem that it is today – a long time ago speculation actually served a useful purpose. 

Anyway, I was saying that my demonstrative function is the reason why I felt like I was able to instinctively feel that someone was talking gibberish.  And it’s the reason why I feel such pleasure in bookkeeping, where all you do is categorize this and categorize that, and it’s all perfectly neatly done.  And computer programming is the same.  It’s that sense of neatness and beauty.  So I am realizing that the demonstrative function is working and it’s very important to everything I do.  So I wonder, how does everyone else’s demonstrative function manifest itself?  And I’d like to talk about this and make more socionists aware of the DF (or do they write ‘DS’ for demonstrative?) and how to observe it.

So my dear dual’s DS is Emoveo.  I think this would manifest as their ability to look at a group of people and pick up on that group’s predominant mood, but not to talk about it, usually, and not to express that mood themselves.  However, they can recognize how that group’s mood is changing over time.  They can say, ‘Wow, first those people were all gloomy and hopeless, but now, they’re optimistic and they think they’re going to succeed.’  This would also be a use of their ignore function, Tempus.  I will probably ask about this on the forum when I go there again, if I remember.   I’d actually be curious to hear about how ALL the types manifest their demonstrative function.

GnuCash is beautiful!!!!

August 20, 2011

I just downloaded an open source accounting program, GnuCash.  I got this because I was talking with Ron about what kind of computer program we might use, and I told him I would look for free ones.  GnuCash is open source and free.  I love open source. 

I opened the program and it’s showing this bare, naked, minimal screen with almost nothing on it!!!!  Do you know how much I love that?  I’m a nudist in real life, and I guess I’m a nudist in the computer programming world too.  It just shows this blank box with only TWO buttons on it, ‘save’ and ‘close.’  Above that, there is a bar with ‘file, ‘edit,’ ‘actions,’ etc.  That’s all! ‘Save’ and ‘Close’ have a small icon under them, but it’s nothing complicated.  Simple, un-distracting screens are wonderful.  I hate seeing zillions of little icons cluttering up my screen. 

Aaaaaaa!  I’m gonna scream!  I’m like, jumping up and down, figuratively (not actually).  I’m setting up the accounts now.  This is the software that I’ve wanted for a long time, ever since I started learning bookkeeping, and I didn’t know it existed, and I didn’t know I wanted it.  This is the way all software should be!  I’m so happy with it.  It’s so simple and so beautiful. 

Omg, the little minimal icons are actually GRAY AND WHITE.  They don’t have colors!!!  They’re not distracting!  The only color I see so far is gold, in the program’s icon in the upper left corner, where they show a picture of gold coins, and I think that’s appropriate.  The icons’ colors are very pale and mixed with gray, unsaturated, which makes them visually not at all distracting or disturbing.  This is the most wonderful program I’ve ever seen.  If I could have sex with this program, I would do it.  I am going to stalk each and every programmer who made this program, and I’m going to force them to accept my money, whether they want it or not. 

If open source can do this, then nothing else exists for me on earth but open source.  I’d get an open source operating system too but I’m too busy to do much computer-configuring and computer-related work right now, especially since I’m living in my car and just using my netbook or the library computers most of the time.  Open source seems to understand the concept of ‘Make it work perfectly, with minimal clutter and garbage.’ 

Okay, enough about GnuCash.  I’ll continue learning how to use it.  It’s meant to help me work with transitioning Ron’s lawnmowing business so that it becomes profitable and so that he’s keeping records and can hire employees and keep track of everything for taxes.

mostly just rested today

August 17, 2011

I finally got my direct deposit.  I paid the storage unit in cash.  The check that I had given them bounced.  I actually gave her a check several weeks early, hoping she would cash it early, because I knew that soon, I would not have much money left, and if I tried to give her the check later it would bounce.  Unfortunately, she didn’t cash it early, because I didn’t tell her to.  She cashed it after my money had run out.  I should have just given her cash instead of a check.  But that has finally been paid.

There are a lot of things that I need to spend my money on.  But I am not buying them all at once.  Today I got myself a better cooler.  I was looking at the coolers available and I didn’t like the one by Coleman.  It had these flimsy hinges made of bending plastic.  When you opened the lid of the cooler, the piece of plastic just had to bend and straighten.  I think that in less than a year that piece of plastic would have broken.  I was horrified that they would make a hinge that way.  So I got the one by Igloo.  This particular one has a real hinge.  I don’t know the words for it, but it actually rolls in a socket instead of bending anything.  It’s an ordinary hinge, like a door hinge. 

I’m withdrawing from coffee today, so I had a headache all day and all I did was sleep.  I am still having a reaction to some of the residues, and that’s one of the things that requires me to spend more money.  I need to get some clean clothes and clean towels to wash with.  I also would like to put a second layer of vinyl on the car seat.  Those things are not extremely expensive, but yet I hesitate to spend any money at all until I have gotten my second paycheck next week.  I still feel very reluctant to spend money. 

If I chose to, I could work one additional day at McDonald’s and get a little bit more hours.  I’m only working Thursday-Sunday.  I did that mostly because I needed more time to work on moving out.  I don’t really want to work on Wednesday – I would avoid it if I could.  However, I might need the money.  I hate having only a two day weekend.  I can’t get much done and I can’t get well rested. 

I could also get a second job and work only a few hours there, and I would only work Thursday-Sunday, so that I would be working a long day with two jobs, but only four days a week. 

I am not yet earning an income from working with Ron.  Right now we are just having discussions and talking about what needs to be done.  If I do any work for him, in the beginning it will be setup and transition.  I will need to set up a system and get him through a transition from not keeping much of a record of his money, to keeping a more detailed record for his own needs, and eventually, to keeping records that are ‘legal’ and can be shown to the tax people and the government. 

One reason why the SLI is able to do bookkeeping is because they have four-dimensional Lex.  Bookkeeping requires defining things, following laws, and categorizing things. 

A sensible person needs to make a computer operating system.  All I did was hit the CAPS lock key.  It moves the focus out of the program that I’m typing in.  This only happens the first time that I use the CAPS lock key, and it doesn’t happen any subsequent times.  You can’t imagine how angry and frustrated this makes me.  The total garbage of the Windows operating system is absolutely unbelievable to me.  It’s like those flimsy bending plastic hinges on the Coleman cooler.  I cannot express the magnitude of just how bad it is.  When I say ‘it moves the focus out of the program,’ that means, I’m here typing in Notepad (which has been totally destroyed in Windows 7 or whatever this is) and when I hit CAPS lock, there is this little alert box that appears saying ‘CAPS LOCK: ON.’  When that happens, I am no longer able to continue typing.  The ‘focus,’ the place where your typing gets sent, is no longer on Notepad.  Instead I am now typing on the Windows Desktop.  If I had it set up so that my typing letters would push buttons on the shortcuts, then I would have accidentally started sending a bunch of ‘run program’ or ‘open folder’ commands and stuff.  It is unbelievably, insanely stupid, to an enormous magnitude.  But I myself am not the person who will design a new operating system.

WHY?  Why were old computers better quality than new ones?  You might argue that old computers were still vulnerable to hackers.  However, all computers are vulnerable to hackers.  Absolute perfection is not possible. 

I have this one guy on Twitter.  I followed him after I did a search about ‘security’ or something like that.  Actually I think it’s not just one person, it’s a group.  Well this one guy was tweeting about how computer hackers are not a ‘physical’ problem the way most people envision them. 

Most people envision that computer security just requires you to put up a wall, and that’s all you have to do.  Like building a dam and keeping the water back.  But he says, no, computer security is a HUMAN problem.  These are human beings who decide that they want to get into YOUR computer for a particular reason.  They are not a mere physical force.  If you block them, they don’t just give up and go home and say, ‘Aw, darn it, I can’t get in.’  Instead, they will continue trying new things, and they will do research, and they will talk to other people, and they will say ‘How can I get past this particular type of firewall?’ 

Random viruses can be blocked out by patching something or using an antivirus program.  But ‘viruses’ and ‘hackers’ are not the same thing.  Viruses don’t target you in particular.  They just randomly, brainlessly go around the internet and they don’t care who catches them.  But if a particular person says that they want to get into YOUR computer, no matter what, then you can patch everything in your computer and you can put up firewalls and no matter what you do, that person is going to spend every hour of their day doing nothing but finding another way to get into your computer. 

Now that I know about energy weapons, I have to mention that it’s possible to operate a computer remotely without going through the internet.  You can induce the computer to turn on and off, you can induce particular components inside the computer to do things, and a firewall isn’t going to block something like that, because that is a physical attack on the physical computer, using radio waves and electricity.

TEMPEST monitoring is what they call a particular type of computer spying.  Somebody can watch what’s going on in your computer by collecting the electromagnetic signals that are coming out of your computer, from a distance away.  Then they translate the signals.  TEMPEST monitoring was invented a long time ago, and so, it has surely been improved since then. 

I had to go back and read a few paragraphs up to see why I started this whole topic.  It was because I was complaining that no computers were perfectly invulnerable to hackers.  Yes, that’s true, and you know what, I don’t fucking care.  I want a computer that WORKS and that doesn’t do stupid things like moving the focus out of Notepad merely because I pressed the CAPS lock key. 

I haven’t learned how to tweak this computer, and I’m sure there’s a setting somewhere that lets you tell it not to give you that little message box.  However, you shouldn’t have to tweak a million different settings just to make your computer function the way it’s supposed to. 

I looked for that setting, but didn’t find it.  I could spend hours looking, or I could google it, but I’m not online right now. 
I want a computer whose graphic user interface is extremely primitive and minimal, like an old DOS screen.  All you see is text, and you can memorize shortcut keys to perform commands.  You can use it without a mouse if you want to.  But there is another mode where you can go use the internet.  However, you don’t always have to be in that mode.  If all I want to do is sit here typing a blog on Notepad, then I’m going to stay in primitive mode. 

I am still not happy because of this drug residue outbreak and because of the things I will have to do to fix it.  I will need to spend money and that means it might be postponed until next week.  This is very frustrating.

The particular drug on the car seat got there after I visited somebody who used psychiatric drugs, and I think it might be Seroquel, but I’m not sure.  It got all over my clothing.  This was several years ago.  My clothing transferred it to the car seat.  The drug causes symptoms such as sexual impotence and a feeling of numbness and apathy, a feeling that I don’t care about anything and cannot motivate myself.  I could just sit there staring at random objects. 

That person is not using drugs because he wants to.  He uses them because he is required to, and because he lives with his parents and they are making him use the drugs.  This person could benefit by following my decontamination processes, because he has had anxiety attacks and other symptoms that occur when he’s off drugs, and those usually result from exposure to drug residues that trigger recurring cycles of low-level dosages followed by withdrawal. 

However, I won’t be able to prove any of that unless I provide people with a decontamination center, a physical location where they can go and live there.  This would be a house where you have to decontaminate in order to get inside.  You would have to follow protocols.  You would have to leave behind your belongings. 

After a person stayed there a couple days, it would become obvious that they were perfectly healthy and were not having any psychiatric problems.  As soon as that person started touching contaminated objects again, they would start having the use-and-withdrawal symptoms.  Until I can get a technological method of detecting and showing that the drug residues are actually on a particular object, I won’t be able to prove it, but I can demonstrate that this method works. 

Everyone will assume that the person suddenly started having problems again, after going back home, because ‘their family is making them crazy.’  This will seem like proof that families DO cause mental illness, which is not true.  It will be obvious that this person is perfectly well behaved and problem-free while they are living in the decontamination center, but all of a sudden they start having breakdowns again when they move back home.  There will be people who don’t believe that drug residues are real, and that they cause these problems, and so those people will assume that the person just has breakdowns because they’re fighting with their family members or being abused. 

There are some substances that can be seen with ultraviolet light.  If you shine a particular color of ultraviolet light on them, suddenly the substance glows.  You can use that method to show that the substance actually is ‘all over everything’ just like you say.  However, this only can be done with the small number of substances that glow under ultraviolet light.  It can demonstrate the phenomenon of low-level contamination as such. 

I was told that there was another study done where they were proving that ‘germs’ go everywhere too.  I’m not germ-phobic, and so I had some disdain for this test, but their demonstration was useful for my purposes.  They gave some kind of substance to kids in a kindergarten classroom, or something.  They let someone touch it.  If I recall correctly, it might have been only one kid who ever touched the substance to begin with.  Then, that kid went around touching other things and other people.  By the end of the day, the substance had spread around the entire classroom, and they shut off the lights, turned on the ultraviolet, and the whole place lit up with handprints and fingerprints everywhere. 

I have to explain what I mean when I say that I’m not germ phobic.  If there were a plague of smallpox, for instance, I would be one of the people who understood right away that you have to burn all of your belongings in a fire, the way they used to do.  You get rid of everything, you burn it, you destroy it.  Perhaps burning it is risky – you might just make it fly up into the air in the smoke.  However, I understand what they were trying to do.

But somebody somewhere made fun of them for doing that, saying ‘That was all unnecessary, and it was the result of their not understanding how germs work.’  They made fun of their ‘superstitious’ behavior.  They always talk about how stupid and superstitious people used to be in the old days.  Actually, people in the old days were smarter than we are now, and they had to actually use their own minds to figure things out, because they couldn’t look it up in a book or google it on the internet.  They had to do their own original thinking to solve problems, all the time.  They had to reinvent the wheel every day.  This was before printing presses existed, so there was no way to share information easily over long periods of time and distance.  So those people made direct observations of what worked and what didn’t work, and they did whatever worked.

So I don’t remember who it was that was making fun of them for getting rid of all their belongings and burning them during the smallpox plague.  But I totally understand that this was absolutely necessary. 

However, germs are worse than drug residues in a way.  If a single molecule of a drug residue vaporizes into the air, and you inhale it, or if it floats through the air and lands on your skin, well, if that happens, you are going to survive, because the dosage is extremely low, and it’s only one molecule.

However, if a single virus particle floats through the air and you inhale it (I don’t know if viruses go through skin – all I can say is ‘they’re not SUPPOSED to’) it will then start replicating inside your body.  It doesn’t matter that it was only one virus particle.  There will soon be more of them.  The Norovirus spreads this way.  I inhale it over and over again, several times a week, during the weeks of the football season, when people are traveling.  Whenever large numbers of people travel in and out of town, they bring a new Norovirus every single week, and for whatever reason, I am incapable of developing a permanent immunity to this virus – in fact, if I recall correctly, NOBODY is able to become permanently immune to the Norovirus.  I could be wrong about that.  All I know is that I only have to walk into the bathroom after somebody has been there vomiting or having diarrhea with the Norovirus, and after only a single inhalation, I catch the virus.  If you’re close enough to smell it, then you’re already sick.  It’s too late. 

So that one single virus particle that I inhale doesn’t do much to me, but it starts replicating.  Drug residues don’t.  They are physically limited.  Once they’re gone, they’re gone forever.  If you get rid of them, they don’t come back.  But a virus will come back over and over again, if only you let a couple of particles start replicating.  If I recall correctly, the Norovirus is capable of infecting somebody if they inhale a minimum of, like, eight virus particles or so.  Eight.  I’d have to look this up again to make sure, but I think it was some extremely small number of virus particles. 

So in that respect, germs are worse.

But I’m not afraid of common colds, and things like that.  I don’t get a lot of colds.  However, there are people who do, and those people have physical problems that result from, for instance, growing up in polluted air that permanently damaged their lungs.  And it doesn’t only damage their lungs, it damages their entire body, as the pollution is absorbed and goes around the bloodstream.  Or it goes through the skin.  I am lucky that I didn’t grow up in the city.  

You can greatly reduce allergy symptoms if you stop using synthetic vitamins.  Synthetic vitamins contain substances that resemble histamine.  Histamine is the chemical associated with allergic reactions.  If you are eating a pill that contains histamine, it’s going to cause you to have allergy symptoms.  You have to stop eating fortified cereal, too – it contains enough added synthetic vitamins to cause allergies. 

I’m getting tired, and my netbook’s battery is slowly running out.  I might want to go get something to eat or drink soon. 

Anyway, I’m very frustrated because of this apathy-inducing, numbing drug residue which is still on a bunch of my stuff, and I have to clean it up, but that requires spending money, and I hesitate to spend much until next week when I get my second paycheck. 

I want to start meeting people and having relationships and interacting with people again, too.  It’s frustrating that I have to postpone that.  I can’t do that right now.  I have to wait just a little bit longer.

Gigantic hours-long rant about childbirth, food, and other stuff

August 16, 2011

I’m having trouble sleeping tonight because of some kind of drug residue outbreak.  It’s causing me to have bradycardia – my heart is beating at 60 beats a minute.  When that happens, I can’t go to sleep.  So I am drinking a cup of coffee, which usually helps me fall asleep if I have bradycardia. 

This is happening for two possible reasons: 1. I was using the cell phone charger earlier today, and that cord, I know, is contaminated. 2. I got out my netbook, and it’s in a box which is in a bag which was in the storage unit, touching other things that were contaminated.  That box, and that bag, are in the car right now, and I’ve been touching and handling them all day too.  So I’ve been touching two things that are likely to be contaminated. 

I used up all of my wipes – I always keep a jar of those Clorox sanitizing wipes, and I couldn’t care less about ‘sanitizing,’ I just use them because they are a convenient wet wipe, and I don’t care if all they have on them is water and dish soap or something, they’re just convenient.  I don’t have germ phobia, and I don’t believe in sanitizing hands or surfaces – I believe it is totally pointless unless you’re a surgeon or an AIDS patient. 

Anyway, since I don’t have any wipes in the car, I can’t easily wipe my hands.  I also don’t have any money.  I have a plastic cup filled with change, and lots of that change is quarters, so I have several dollars in there, and I have a few dollar bills left, until Wednesday when I get my first direct deposit – my first, after going back to work after two weeks of unpaid vacation.  I thought I was supposed to get the deposit last week, but I was wrong.  So that’s why I’m not just buying a new can of wipes. 

I enjoyed talking to Ron today.  He really, really is a mirror of myself, but with a slightly different emphasis – exactly as the socionic descriptions say!  He knows everything I know and wants everything I want, almost.  We were talking about how to start a business, how to start small and increase it incrementally, rather than borrowing a huge amount of money and starting a gigantic multibillion dollar global corporation, for instance.  An LSE does business very differently from an LIE.  It’s strange talking to someone who sees business the same way I do.  He has a similar goal of running his own small business, without being overwhelmed by an enormous debt or a huge complex responsibility that will take over all of his life.  He has that awareness of sensus, that need to keep yourself healthy and happy and comfortable, that need to avoid being overwhelmed by something that takes up all of your time and energy and keeps you from ever relaxing or enjoying life.  I agreed with almost everything he said.

I was thinking of how strange it is to talk to people who understand you, when you’re accustomed to being surrounded by people who don’t.  At work, I’m surrounded by a variety of people, and most of them are from other quadras.  Some of them are SLIs, but there are no LSEs there.  The LSE has a stronger emphasis on ‘starting your own business,’ which the SLI does not have.  He makes me feel like I really can do it. 

He totally fits the scenario that I’ve read about over and over again.  You start your own business, but gradually you become overwhelmed by having too many customers and not enough time to do the paperwork and the planning and all that, and you’re running around doing everything yourself and you get sort of ‘lost’ in the business you created.  That is exactly the right moment to get a bookkeeper to help you, to make sure you’re actually profitable, to help you do other tasks that you don’t have time to do, to do the paperwork, to allocate money, and so on.  Those are exactly the things that I have been learning how to do. 

While talking to Ron, I kept wanting to tell him about socionics – but I didn’t – and I kept wanting to go out and find some EIIs and IEEs to join in our conversation.  They would give us the big picture and talk about long-term strategies, and they would ask us deep questions like ‘What do you really want out of this?  What are you trying to achieve?’ 

I tried to watch the Perseid meteor shower the last couple of days.  I actually did see a few meteors.  Not many, but a few.  I’ve never seen it before; however, I might possibly have seen it when I was a teenager, because there was a time period when I got the idea that I wanted to sleep on the cushioned lawn chairs on the back porch, and so I slept there sometimes in the summertime, and I watched the stars, and I saw the tiny, barely visible satellites going slowly by – we lived in rural WV where the sky was dark enough to see them – I couldn’t see them if I looked directly at them, but if I looked slightly off to one side, I could see them – this has something to do with the rods and cones in the retina of the eye, when you’re looking at small dimly lit objects in darkness.  Anyway I remember I also saw shooting stars sometimes, but I wasn’t aware of the Perseid meteor shower, so my shooting stars might have been random ones, or they might have been Perseids. 

The clouds covered the sky, and the moon was too bright, but I did see a few meteors.  This is another wonderful thing about sleeping outside in my car.  I had often read about the Perseid meteor shower, and I would always make a mental note that I wanted to look at it, but in reality, I would just go to bed and sleep. 

But now, sleeping in my car, I see the stars and the sky all the time.  I can easily and comfortably sit there and watch the Perseid meteor shower, and watch the constellations, and watch the sun rise, every day.  I get up much earlier than I ever did before – although technically, I’m still being attacked and forced to wake up unnaturally early, but still, I am much more awake more quickly.  This is also probably because I’m not breathing mold-filled air anymore – even though the new apartment wasn’t as moldy as the previous one, it did still have a small amount of moldy air. 

But anyway, I made a mental note of the Perseid meteor shower, and I didn’t have to consciously and deliberately force myself to get up out of bed and go outside somewhere to watch it.  I didn’t have to make a plan.  I didn’t have to worry about where I was going to sit down to watch the meteor shower.  I didn’t have to do anything consciously or deliberately.  It just happened by itself because I was there.  I was already outside watching. 

I agree with my brother.  He told me that he loved living in his car, during the time when he was doing it.  Granted, someone might not want to live this way forever.  But it’s true, I do love living in my car.  I can’t wait for the direct deposits to start coming in, and to see that it isn’t going to pay for rent and other house-related utilities.

I wonder if I will continue doing this all winter.  I have read about other people who continued to live in their cars during the wintertime.  I myself slept out in the car in the worst, worst, worst part of winter for several weeks, when I lived at the duckpond apartment, because the moldy air was so horribly deadly when it became bitter cold outside.  I read someplace that bitter cold causes the mold to produce a lot more toxins than it usually does.  The horribly moldy air would happen on the very same day that it would drop to 10 degrees outside.  Those were the nights when I would be blacking out and collapsing and feeling like I had carbon monoxide poisoning, because the mold fumes were so bad. 

So I went out to my car and slept on those nights when that was happening – and it was always 15 degrees or 10 degrees or whatever.  If I recall correctly, I slept outside when it went as low as 8 degrees Fahrenheit. 

Let’s see, what did I do?  I had on two pairs of pants, three pairs of socks, several layers of shirts and sweaters, a coat, a hat, and gloves.  I was so stuffed that I could barely move, and yet, I had to force myself into a sleeping bag which was inside of another sleeping bag!  I closed the sleeping bags almost entirely over my face, so that only my nose could breathe.  And my nose would sit there and it would freeze.  And I had to keep the car window open a tiny crack to let in fresh air, because if I didn’t, the carbon dioxide would build up in the car and I would start to suffocate and panic after a little while.  So I had to let in a tiny bit of fresh air, but that also would let in the bitter cold.  Yet somehow, I fell asleep, and I was able to barely get by, for a couple of weeks when the indoor air mold was intolerable.  That’s one of the reasons why I moved out of that apartment.

So technically, I have slept outside in the dead of bitter cold winter in the past, and I survived.  Perhaps I could do things to make it easier for me, if I chose to do it again.  So I wonder, will I continue to sleep outdoors as it becomes bitter cold?  Will I continue through January and February?  I can imagine doing this through September, October, and probably November, but by December, it will be getting more difficult. 

If I decide that I can’t do it, there are a few options.  I can go to the homeless shelter.  I can put up an advertisement asking if anybody needs a roommate.  Those are the two most likely things that I will do if I can’t stand it.

I wonder what it will be like – is it real?  Will I really be earning money, and not losing all of it?  Will I really be able to save some of it?  Will I really be able to spend it on the things that I’ve wanted to spend money on?  It hasn’t actually started yet, and I keep feeling as though, of course, something will go wrong, and I won’t actually be able to save any money at all.  It is impossible to imagine that I would actually be able to save money. 

The only times I’ve had money in the past have been when I either had two jobs and was working almost 80 hours a week, or the times when I got ‘nice jobs’ from the temp agencies and I was working in an office environment with a computer and getting paid $10 or $12 an hour.  I can’t believe that I ever actually got paid $12 to sit in front of a computer, but it’s true, I did. 

Those jobs are the place where I learned firsthand all about what happens when dotcom businesses go bankrupt and have to lay everybody off.  Some of the jobs weren’t dotcoms, they were manufacturing businesses, and they too had ‘business downturns’ where they would do layoffs.  Any kind of factory work will do this.  It is the result of the money system and the labor laws.  Because of these laws, the labor is inflexible.  It’s very hard to do what you need to do, when the laws forbid you to do it.  It’s hard to be flexible and do things like reduce people’s wages during time periods when your business is slow, and things like that. 

And the tax deductions encourage businesses to give people those useless ‘benefits’ which are total garbage, such as health insurance.  Health insurance, as it is today, encourages people to go to the doctor every time they catch a cold, so that they can get a prescription for antibiotics, when colds aren’t caused by bacteria, they are caused by viruses, and people SWEAR that antibiotics cure their colds.  This is all the result of the laws that require health insurance to pay for your routine, non-emergency office visits and things like that. 

I’m not saying that the concept of health insurance is bad.  The concept makes sense.  But the system as it is today is totally destroyed.  You should not waste any money on the health insurance at all.  You are better off simply going to the hospital if you have an emergency, and then, defaulting on the bills that they send you.  Those bills are excessively high because the system has been totally destroyed, so it seems okay to just ignore the bills.  I have no control over any of this.  I wish I did.  I don’t believe in getting free healthcare, and I don’t believe in defaulting on the bills.  I don’t want it to be that way.  The system is completely and totally destroyed.  The only solution is to completely remove all of the laws that regulate healthcare and all of the tax deductions that encourage businesses to give people health insurance.  This will never happen.

I’ve been picking up books about pregnancy and looking at them when I go to Barnes & Noble – and I assume that it won’t be long before those stores shut down!  I can’t imagine how Barnes & Noble can possibly be making a profit, when they have to pay the rent on that big building and that big parking lot, or the property tax, or whatever, and they also have to pay their full time employees to sit there all that time, and they only have an occasional sale of a book to provide revenue.  Most of the people there only browse.  

Anyway, I’ve been looking at books about pregnancy.  I liked a book which was called something like ‘The Thinking Woman’s Guide to Pregnancy and Childbirth’ or something like that.  (*googled it: The Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth.*) It was ‘The Thinking Woman’s Something.’  That book agreed with me on almost everything, except it went a few steps farther, and it actually gave a balanced, opposing viewpoint that described the ‘benefits and drawbacks’ instead of only showing the drawbacks. 

I myself already am strongly aware of all the drawbacks of ‘mainstream childbirth.’  I am so strongly aware of how bad it is that I have no desire to talk about any of the possible benefits of doing anything ‘their’ way.  However, this book actually described both sides.  For instance, they said that yes, there is indeed a place for using pain medication during labor, there is indeed a legitimate need for it.  I myself am completely and totally opposed to using drugs during labor:  the drugs go directly into the baby, and they cause the baby to have symptoms such as irregular heart rates or being too sleepy and unresponsive to nurse whenever you are finally holding them in your arms.  The book said that this is a choice you have, and that it has two sides, and the drawbacks are that your baby will be drugged, and if you’re willing to tolerate that, then do it.  I myself will do anything in my power to avoid that.  But it’s a good book for describing both sides. 

I wanted to mention something about my hearing voices.  Over the past couple of years, the voices have talked to me about my personal beliefs, the ‘rules’ that I follow, and they clarified and strengthened some of those rules so that they are like my own personal religion.  One example is circumcision.  My own original rule wasn’t strong enough.  Originally I used to say that circumcision should be okay as long as it’s being chosen by somebody who is old enough to consent, but it should not be done by force to a baby.  I thought that it wasn’t ‘immoral’ to circumcise an adult who consented to it.

However, while talking with the voices, I agreed with their stronger rule.  They suggested to me that actually, it is still immoral to circumcise a consenting adult, and that it should be forbidden to everybody, no matter what age they are. (Note, when I say something is ‘forbidden,’ I do not mean it is forbidden by means of a government law, but rather, it is forbidden to all of the people who voluntarily join my group and receive whatever benefits and incentives I give to them, for instance, if I am allowing them to live on my land in exchange for their following my rules.) There is no such thing as consent to remove and destroy a body part.  You cannot know in advance what this is going to feel like for the rest of your life.  It opens the door to misinformation – for instance, every once in a while, some ‘scientific study’ comes out that starts spreading evil lies such as ‘circumcision prevents the spread of AIDS,’ which is false.  So they start having a big adult circumcision fad for a couple of years as misguided people are deceived into thinking that they can protect themselves against AIDS if they get circumcised.  The rule must be SO STRONG that it forbids ALL circumcision to ALL ages, consenting or not, because that protects people against being deceived into thinking it’s good for them.  So my new stronger rule actually resulted from talking to the voices, and my original rule was weaker.  And I agree with the new point of view. 

Not only that, but there are legal prescription drugs that cause people to become suggestible, which destroys their ability to refuse consent.  Consenting adults become helplessly hypnotized by these drugs, and they say ‘yes’ to things that they might have refused if they were drug-free.  A drugged person might read one of the misinformation websites about how circumcision prevents AIDS, and they might decide that very day to make an appointment and go out and ‘just do it,’ which is what those drugs make you do – the drugs make you decide to ‘just do it’ with all kinds of self-destructive decisions, including murder and suicide.  They are equally likely to make you ‘just do it’ with decisions like ‘chop off a body part forever, and throw it in the garbage.’ 

Those drugs are legal, and so in the court of law, you are viewed as a ‘consenting adult’ when you decide to go get an adult circumcision after reading a deceptive and misguided ‘scientific study.’  So you cannot sue them and claim that you were wrongfully forced to do a self-inflicted injury as a result of using legal prescription drugs while reading a misleading website.  Yet that is exactly what happens.  So my new stronger rule forbids all circumcisions no matter what age you are.

I also have rules about childbirth, which is how I started this whole topic in the first place.  I’m writing a lot because I can’t sleep and I had a cup of coffee, so that’s why I’m just complaining about random things like this. 

The ‘Thinking Woman’s’ book talked about episiotomies, and this time, they did not give a ‘benefits’ argument.  They said that there are no benefits at all, period.  I agree with that.  An episiotomy is when you cut a slice leading from the vagina to the anus, which supposedly makes it easier for the baby to come out.  It does so much damage to your skin and muscles that it can cause permanent problems, such as incontinence, or uterine prolapse, where the uterus starts to ‘fall out’ and doesn’t stay up where it is supposed to stay.  The book explained the reasons why episiotomies have no benefits at all – it is not, in fact, any easier for the baby to get out, it doesn’t prevent any kind of harm to the baby, and it causes so much harm to the mother that it is not worth doing at all.  I was pleased to see a ‘drawbacks-only’ attitude there.

It’s kind of nice when somebody encourages me to make a stronger rule, instead of trying to ‘be nice’ to everybody.  There was another book by a doctor who I suspected was an EII personality type.  The book’s title had the word ‘touchpoints’ in it – something like ‘Touchpoints – ages 1-3’ or something, and then there was another book called ‘Touchpoints – ages 4-6’ and so on.  He talked all about cultivating a long-term relationship with his patients.  Technically, he also could have been an ESI – I’d have to look at it again to decide.  He too gave a ‘benefits and drawbacks’ argument, or a ‘balanced’ argument, about many things having to do with childbirth, but he ‘pushed for’ things that I agreed with, just not strongly enough.  For instance, he said that he himself was opposed to circumcision, but he viewed it as ‘the parents’ decision’ and that kind of thing, as though it was still okay.  That’s how I would have talked about it, in the past.  I would have taken a weak position and said, ‘Oh well, let them decide, I’ll support them either way.’

But I have this need.  I have this need to watch somebody who is strong.  I have this need to watch them and admire them.  I want to watch them standing up for what they believe.  I want to see somebody who strongly says, ‘No, I do not support that decision at all under any circumstances.’  That is what I want to see people saying about circumcision.

The ‘thinking woman’s’ book described exactly what happens when you get a ‘spinal,’ a drug injected into your spine, during labor.  You have to crouch in this position with your back arched up, even though you are in labor and you are having contractions, and you have to stay perfectly still.  Then they stick the needle in and they have to test it and make sure it’s in exactly the right place.  The book described all of this situation in graphic detail and showed a diagram.  I see things like that and I’m thinking, oh my god, what if the needle damages my spine?  They’ll reassure you that everything is perfectly safe, but I know in reality it is never perfectly safe.  There are so many ways that these common procedures can harm you or kill you.  Botched circumcisions, for instance, can actually KILL the baby, but we never talk about that.  Circumcision is actually risky.  Getting drugged while you’re in labor is also risky.

The book pointed out something that I totally agree with, and I was delighted to see somebody else saying this.  It said that the pain you feel during labor provides you with important, necessary, valuable, useful information, which you are supposed to use to help you take appropriate action in response to the pain.  I totally, totally agree.  It said that the pain informs you of when you’re in the wrong position, and the pain tells you that you need to move and change into a better position in order to more effectively give birth.  You have to move around in order to get the baby into the right position to come out.  Pain tells you that you are in the wrong position and the baby cannot come out.  If you are being forced to lie on your back, drugged and unable to feel any pain, and not allowed to get up and move around, then you are not able to make it any easier for the baby to come out, and OF COURSE you are going to have difficulties giving birth, so that you ‘need’ the doctor to ‘help’ you by using forceps or vacuum suction or other methods they use to get the baby out.  I loved the book for saying that pain provides valuable information to help you take action.

I don’t know how I will ever sleep tonight.  When my computer battery runs out, I will have to stop writing, I guess.

I don’t recall where I read this – it was a news article online somewhere.  It talked about how, years ago, there was a study where they concluded that ‘the most religious people are the happiest.’  But, the news article said, the study neglected to mention atheists, who, as a group, are even happier than the religious people.  The only people happier than atheists were Jewish people.  I think this might be because the Jewish culture encourages people to make money.  It might also be because they have extended families that stay together and continue to provide support.

I’m wondering which aspects of religion are connected with the happiness or the lack of it.  Having rules to follow is helpful, but it’s not helpful to be terrified that you’re going to go to hell when you die.  The rules that I myself make for my personal religion are intended to help your physical body in the material world, and they have nothing to do with your ‘afterlife.’  The only afterlife that I believe in is this:  that the rest of the world continues to exist after you die, that other people remain alive after you die, and that you and your entire life have affected the rest of the world and will have a chain of consequences for the rest of eternity.  In that sense, you have an afterlife.  That is the afterlife that I am concerned with.

I have a few dollars to buy food tomorrow.  I’m probably going to buy things like McDoubles from the dollar menu at McDonald’s.  My can full of change actually has a lot of quarters in it, so I have more money than it seems, but I will have to be paying people in change very soon.  I still have a couple of paper dollars left.  This is all because I took a two week unpaid vacation.  However, I am sure that I could not possibly have moved out unless I took that vacation.  I could not possibly have done all the packing and moving while also going to work.  It was necessary, and I got it done, and I made the transition to living in my car. 

I should probably finish this and shut the computer down.  I could keep writing about nothing for hours and hours, but I would keep saying the same things over and over. 

I’m still thinking of a couple of things having to do with childbirth.  I remember from nutrition class, years ago, in college, that they give babies a shot containing vitamin K.  I remember thinking back then, ‘Why on earth is this necessary?’  Why on earth do babies need extra vitamin K, just because breast milk doesn’t provide it, or something?  If we really needed this at all, we would already have it naturally.  Giving babies a shot of vitamin K seems totally unnecessary to me.

Now that I know what I know about synthetic vitamins, I believe that giving babies a shot of vitamin K is actually harmful, not merely just ‘unnecesssary.’  Synthetic vitamins are toxic.  They do not have the same structure as naturally occurring vitamins – for instance, they can sometimes be a mirror image isomer, a molecule that looks exactly like the natural molecule, except backwards, and this chemical causes different effects in the body.  Not only that, but also, synthetic vitamins contain residues from other toxic chemicals that were used as reagents in the factory where the vitamins were made. 

So let’s pretend, for instance, you have to mix cyanide with a few other chemicals to create the final vitamin.  A small amount of that cyanide will still remain in the final product.  I probably shouldn’t talk about ‘cyanide’ because that’s going to scare people, and I can just imagine somebody taking this out of context and misquoting me as claiming that ‘all synthetic vitamins contain cyanide’ or something along those lines.  Don’t misinterpret it like that.  Cyanide is one example of a toxic chemical that is often used to produce other desired chemicals and drugs, and I don’t know of any examples offhand, since I’m not connected to the net and I can’t look it up.  Anyway, so synthetic vitamins are 1. not exactly like the naturally occurring vitamin, and 2. mixed with residues of other chemicals used in manufacturing the vitamin.

The vitamin K shot is also unnecessary.  We survived millions of years without giving a vitamin K shot to babies.  Why on earth do we need it at all?  If it’s unnecessary, and also possibly toxic, then just don’t do it at all.  So I myself have strictly forbidden vitamin K shots to babies.  There is no reason for them at all, and they can possibly cause harm.

Not only that, but synthetic vitamins are only a small portion of all the chemicals that we need to get from food.  There are ‘beneficial’ chemicals that are not categorized as ‘vitamins,’ and yet they are helpful for us to have.  A lot of chemicals categorized as ‘phytonutrients’ fit that description. 

However, I’m skeptical when I read about some new phytonutrient nowadays, for several reasons.

1. It is always from a vegetable or fruit, and never from a meat.  This goes against the Weston Price diet approach to nutrition, and it encourages vegetarianism.  They are not researching all the ‘beneficial chemicals’ that we can possibly get by eating meat.  For instance, I seem to recall that there are some animals in the ocean who produce a chemical that makes them sort of ‘immortal,’ or they have an extremely long lifespan, or they are able to regenerate cells, or something like that.  I read about this while reading about aging and longevity and about planned cell death or whatever.  I don’t recall the name of the chemical.  But doesn’t it seem intriguing that maybe you could eat this chemical in seafood and benefit and get a longer lifespan because of it?  I’m thinking it occurs in lobsters or crabs or some other sea creature other than a fish.  And don’t you remember from Finding Nemo that sea turtles live to be a hundred and fifty years old?  It looks like they have that chemical too.   

2. Soy, for instance, is supposedly full of ‘beneficial phytonutrients,’ however, it turns out that a lot of those ‘phytonutrients’ are harmful to you, and they are xenoestrogens, for instance.  Soy also contains flavones (is that right? I forget) or isoflavones or something, and I can’t remember what those are supposed to do.  And it also contains enzyme inhibitors and other things that you are not supposed to eat, according to the Weston Price approach and others, who say that you should remove or avoid enzyme inhibitors and other toxic chemicals that occur in plants.  Some of those chemicals are being labeled as ‘good for you’ and you are being encouraged to eat more of them, when they have harmful health effects. 

But anyway, the point of mentioning phytonutrients was to emphasize that we do not yet know, and we never will know, every single beneficial chemical in the universe.  We’re able to know about vitamins and minerals whose absences have big, obvious consequences.  We know that if you don’t eat this vitamin, then you will have an obvious deficiency syndrome.  But there are lots of chemicals whose effects are not so obvious, or whose effects are ‘helpful, but not necessary.’

Those kinds of chemicals occur in breast milk.  Breast milk contains a substance called adiponectin.  This is a chemical that affects the way the body deposits fat.  I don’t recall all the details about adiponectin.  However, it is not a ‘nutrient,’ it is not a ‘vitamin,’ it is not a ‘mineral,’ and so, they are not putting synthetic adiponectin into the infant formulas that you buy off the shelf at the grocery store.  Or are they?  Perhaps they are, I forget.  But still, we don’t know if synthetic adiponectin is exactly the same as the kind that’s in breast milk; we don’t know if it’s contaminated with other unreacted chemical reagent residues, and we don’t know if it occurs in the right dosage, the right amount.  Usually when people give you a synthetic vitamin, they make the assumption ‘MORE IS BETTER!!!’ and the label on the vitamin bottle says that this pill contains 3,333% of the US RDA of vitamin C, and that kind of thing.  It contains tens or hundreds of times more than you are required to have in one day.  They would probably do the same thing with the synthetic vitamins in formula.  – Or maybe not.  It can happen by accident, though.  Manufacturing processes aren’t perfect.  They can’t guarantee that you have exactly the right dose of every vitamin and every chemical every single time you buy a container of formula. 

After learning about the ‘helpful non-vitamins’ category of chemicals, I can’t imagine giving my baby any kind of formula instead of breast milk.  There are so many things missing that we haven’t added to the formula.  This would also be true in the science fiction scenario where, supposedly, we would be able to just take a pill instead of eating, because technology will be able to give us all the vitamins we need.  Or synthetic meat will be grown in a laboratory so that we don’t need to kill animals anymore.  I’ve read about this, and I can’t recall the details, but if I recall correctly, they tried growing, of course, MUSCLE TISSUE in the laboratory, for eating.  What’s wrong with that?  Well, the Weston Price diet emphasizes that the most nutritious parts of the animal are the ORGANS, not the MUSCLES.  So the very first thing they do is try to replicate muscle tissue in the laboratory so that we can ‘grow’ meat instead of killing animals.  But they don’t bother trying to grow ORGAN tissue.  They don’t bother trying to grow synthetic liver.  And if they did, they would grow it using synthetic chemicals as ‘food’ for the synthetic tissue, which means that it would be lacking things like trace minerals.  They would never be able to give the synthetic tissue all the same ‘beneficial non-vitamins’ that an animal gets by eating food. 

A few days ago, last week, when I was off work, I went to Red Lobster.  I’ve never bought a lobster before.  I actually had them kill a lobster for me.  I don’t like killing animals, but at the same time, strangely, I believe in it.  I have categories of animals that I don’t want to kill.  When people talk about ‘karma,’ when they talk about how you get what you give, and therefore, you shouldn’t eat meat, I use exactly that same argument to say that it’s okay to eat meat.  I argue that animals themselves are predators – the tiger and the shark are predators, they kill and eat other animals.  I argue that all of us will die.  I argue that we are also animals, like the tiger and the shark. I say that humans are part of nature, not outside of nature.  Humans are natural.  That doesn’t mean that I welcome some predator who tries to eat me – instead, I fight back, and I try to survive.  And that is not hypocritical. 

I don’t believe in abusing or torturing animals, and I don’t believe in using ‘factory farms’ where the animals live a miserable and unhealthy life.  Those factory farms are the consequence of our economic system and our laws.  Property taxes make it completely unaffordable to run a farm as a profitable business.  It is simply impossible.  Farms require subsidies merely to exist, as a result of our economic distortions and laws.  That is the reason why factory farms are so ruthless and ‘efficient.’  They are not merely being ‘greedy.’  They are doing the things that are necessary to run a business without going bankrupt.  It is the laws and the money system that are causing them to run a business that way. 

I believe that, if I choose to be a meat eater, then I should someday experience what it is like to kill an animal myself.  I should be responsible for killing an animal at least once.  I have never actually killed a ‘warm and fuzzy’ kind of animal before.  I’ve killed insects, and I’ve done things like accidentally running my car over the frogs that were sitting all over the road after a rainstorm, when you can’t avoid them, and that kind of thing.  So I have killed animals unintentionally, without eating them.  (I’m thinking about this now probably because I’m hungry, and I didn’t get much to eat earlier, because I felt sick, and I tried to eat but I could only take a couple of bites of food, and now hours later I’m hungry and all I’ve had is coffee.)

This obsessive journal writing will go on forever unless I shut down the netbook and try to sleep.  I have only a couple more days until I get my paycheck and can work on cleaning up the drug residue outbreak which is causing some of my symptoms, and I can buy other things that I need to buy, and I can continue with my various goals and projects. 

Oh, anyway, I was talking about how I got a lobster.  I asked them some questions about how it was prepared, and the waitress said that it would be cleaned, split, and steamed.  I asked her if, when she said ‘cleaned,’ she meant that the lobster would have everything inside it removed.  She said yes, that was what it meant.  So I asked her if I could get it without it being ‘cleaned.’  She said yes, she could tell the cook not to ‘clean’ the lobster, and to leave everything inside it.

So I got an ‘unclean’ lobster that still contained the tomalley, the liver. 

The government says that you should not eat lobster liver because it could contain the toxin that causes paralytic shellfish poisoning if the lobster had been exposed to red tides.  However, I have read of other people who routinely eat lobster liver. 

This is a situation where I wish that there was a commercially available chemical test kit where you could stick some kind of indicator tab into the lobster liver, and it changes color if the liver contains the toxin.  Or whatever, some kind of test kit that checks to see whether or not the liver contains the toxin. 

Why would I bother doing this?  Why not just throw out the liver and be safe?  Because the liver is valuable!  That is the most nutritious part of the lobster!  You don’t just throw it in the garbage to be on the safe side!  Instead, you do EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER to make it possible for you to safely eat the liver! 

This is a question of values.  Some people aren’t all that interested in valuing the nutrition in the lobster liver.  That value is not all that important to them.  But after reading about the Weston Price diet, I’ve decided that the value of seafood livers is a very high value, and therefore, it is worthwhile to spend money to provide test kits that will check and see whether or not they contain toxins and other chemicals that we supposedly are avoiding, such as PCBs and mercury.  You shouldn’t just toss them in the garbage to be on the safe side.  Instead you should spend money and make any effort you can to preserve those things and use them as often as possible.  They are of great value.  It is like digging a mine and throwing away piles of unrefined stones that contain gold and silver.  You should do everything you can to keep those stones and refine them.  Seafood organs are extremely valuable, and they should not be thrown in the garbage, and they shouldn’t automatically be sent away to be made into pet food.  Humans should eat them.

I was extremely cautious when I began eating the lobster.  I knew from past experience that I would have strange reactions.  I ate a blue crab last year.  The first thing that happens is I get some kind of strange adrenaline rush – some flush of fear or startle or awakeness or alertness or energy.  It is slightly uncomfortable.  It sometimes makes me feel like I am going to pass out, or vomit.  It reminds me of what happened when I ate bone marrow, except it is MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH less severe.  When I ate the bone marrow, I felt like I was going to drop dead on the spot.  When I eat the seafood, I get only a brief and passing flush of fear, and it seems to go away after a minute, and it doesn’t really happen again.  I do not know what causes this sensation, but it is disturbing to me, because of what happened when I ate the bone marrow.  It feels like almost the same sensation.  So I tolerated that sensation for a few seconds or a few minutes. 

I broke apart the lobster using a large rock.  I was sitting outdoors and I did not have any tools or utensils.  I set down the lobster on top of a very large rock, and then I used another rock to crush it.  I actually just kind of gently tapped it.  I didn’t totally smash it, I just broke open a little bit of it, and then pulled it apart with my hands.

I saw the ‘green goo’ inside it.  It might have been more yellow than green, actually.  It was a greenish yellow goo, the tomalley, the liver of the lobster.  Probably, before it’s cooked, it isn’t ‘goo’ – it’s probably more solid when it’s raw, but I’ve never seen it. 

I tried a teeny, tiny little dab of the liver.  It had the same texture that beef liver has.  This is a sort of grainy or mealy texture.  It almost seems to dissolve or melt in your mouth.  It also was a sort of fatty texture, and when I looked at it, I could see drops of what looked like fat.  Again, according to the Weston Price nutritional approach, I assume that animal fat is good for you. However, I don’t know how much fat in a liver is normal, because I have heard of ‘fatty liver’ as being a symptom of disease.

I waited for a few minutes after swallowing the tiny dab.  First, it gave me a mild vomit reflex sensation.  So I can imagine that if I had been a child, I would have said ‘I don’t like liver.’  Anything that gave me a vomit reflex would have been something that I would have refused to eat.  So I was only eating this because I was dedicated to making myself eat it.  It took courage.

However, even though it gave me a mild vomit reflex urge, I did not actually vomit, and the urge was not very strong.  And strangely I also had sort of a craving for it, and sort of an enjoyment while eating it.  But the liver actually wasn’t as good as the brain.  When I broke apart the head of the lobster and took out what I thought was probably the brain – I’ve looked at pictures of lobster anatomy online while researching whether or not it was safe to eat tomalley – I ate the brain, and I really liked it, and I didn’t feel any unpleasant sensations from it, and as soon as I started eating it, I wanted more, and I wolfed it down.  Whatever was in there, it was something my body wanted.  I didn’t have any conflicts or discomforts about eating the lobster brain (or the thing that was in the area where I thought the brain would be). 

You know what was the least enjoyable part of the lobster?  The muscle meat.  It seemed dry, tough, and tasteless compared to the internal organs.  The tail especially was tough and tasteless.  I didn’t even eat the entire tail.  I ate the claws though.  Now I understand the reason why they provide you with a little cup of butter.  You are supposed to dip the meat into the butter, because the meat by itself is dry, tough, and tasteless, and it doesn’t contain any fat.  But your body and your mouth know that you need fat, and your mouth knows that the muscle meat isn’t as nutritious as the organ meat.  Your tongue is able to feel and taste the absence of fat, or the presence of fat. 

I did eat as much of the liver as I was able to get, even though it was slightly challenging and it did slightly trigger a mild gag/vomit reflex.  That is a warning to anybody who doesn’t know what to expect, anybody who is emetophobic as I am.  I ate all of the liver.  I also attempted to eat the eyes.  The Weston Price book, I think, mentioned an incident where a ‘white man’ was lost in the woods, and he was going blind from malnutrition, and a native American showed him how to eat the eyes of the salmon in the river, and as soon as he ate the eyes of the fish, his blindness went away and he quickly went back to normal.  So even though the eyes of lobsters and the eyes of crabs are not easy to eat, since they are enclosed in sort of a tough skin or shell, I still attempted to eat them.  I didn’t swallow the tough skin.  I just ripped it apart and ate the stuff that was inside it. 

If I had a ‘cooking infrastructure,’ then I would have saved the shells and made them into soup.  However, I do not have a cooking infrastructure at this time.  I will in the future.  I need to get pots and other containers and tools, and a better icebox.  I must get pots that are not made of Teflon.  I would also strongly prefer to avoid any pots made of metal.  However, this won’t always be possible or easy.  I don’t mind eating from pots made of glass, because as far as I know, glass doesn’t contain anything toxic.  It probably does, but it isn’t as bad as other things like Teflon.

‘Mainstream nutrition’ throws the eyes, the skin, the bones, and the internal organs either directly into the trash can, or to the pet food factory. 

After eating the beef bone marrow and having the horrible food poisoning incident, I am now aware of what happens when I eat canned fish bones.  Long ago I learned that some types of canned fish contain cooked bones, and you are meant to eat them.  So I’ve tried it several times.  Now that I recognize the reaction, I see it happening when I eat canned fish bones. 

You can buy a large can of pink or red salmon with the bones cooked in it.  The bones are soft and dissolved and you are able to chew them easily.  They crumble in your mouth and they are interesting to chew on.  However, when I did this again recently, knowing what to expect, I recognized that eating the fish bones caused me to experience the gag/vomit reflex trigger.  I don’t know what substance in the bones causes that to happen.  It might actually be a mineral like calcium, because it also happened when I attempted to drink mineral water.  Mineral water is totally undrinkable and toxic.  I don’t know why they sell it in stores at all, unless its purpose is to deliberately cause vomiting, but it doesn’t say anything like that on the label.  Anyway, with the canned fish bones, the vomit reflex is mild enough that you are able to continue eating the bones, and you don’t actually get sick and throw up, or at least I didn’t.  But it is something that happens and you have to be warned about it if you are scared of vomiting and you don’t know what kind of strange sensations to expect.

I’m obsessing about food, but my computer battery will eventually run out.  I’m amazed that it has lasted this long.  I could go on obsessing.  Anyway, the point is, I ate the lobster liver and the brain-like object and the eyes, and of course also the claws and part of the tail, and I did not have any food poisoning other than the mildly strange sensations that I described.   

I request that somebody should make us a commercially available test kit to check for the presence of toxins and pollutants in our seafood’s organs.  I don’t mean that somebody should just do one test for an entire batch of seafood, but instead, the kits should be available so that you can do one small test at home for YOUR PARTICULAR piece of seafood.  The goal is to eat the internal organs as often as possible, while at the same time being aware of the dangers, and actually testing to find out whether or not the poisons are present, instead of ‘playing it safe’ by throwing in the garbage something which is extremely valuable. 

Wow, I’m here in the edge of the parking lot at Wal-Mart, it’s hard to describe where, but I’m far away from everything, and yet my computer is able to detect the presence of wi-fi from all the way over at Fun Unleashed.  This is hundreds and hundreds of feet away!  It is also detecting Barnes & Noble’s attwifi.  I can’t get on, but I can detect it.  There are a bunch of other networks showing up too.  I am not near any buildings, I am in a parking lot.  I’m wondering if this is stronger at night time, but actually, that is probably not true – the only rationale for anything being ‘stronger at nighttime’ is because of my vague memory of the fact that the ionosphere is different at nighttime and so you can get AM radio better, or you can get some kind of faraway signals better, at night, when they bounce off the ionosphere.  I can’t remember the details.  The ionosphere moves to a higher up position, or something, or perhaps lower, at night.  I forget.  During the day, the sunlight hits the air and it creates ions, which is where the ionosphere comes from, and that’s the reason why it changes at night when there isn’t any sunlight making more ions.  I’d have to read about this so that I could explain it correctly. 

Anyway, I don’t think that would affect whether or not you could receive wi-fi from nearby buildings.  Ha ha, they don’t go bounce off the ionosphere.  That would be funny.  But also very bad if it were true.  Actually, I guess it really does bounce off the ionosphere – or maybe not – it has to be the right type of radio wave in order to ‘bounce’ back.  I don’t know if wi-fi would bounce, or whether it would keep on going out into space.  But if it were all bouncing back at us, we would be surrounded by even more ‘noise’ and constant electromagnetic pollution. 

(I just randomly stopped writing there and shut off the computer.)

A text from The Ronmower.

August 13, 2011

I just got a text message from The Ronmower this morning.  He says business is slowing down now and it seems like a good time to work on the bookkeeping project again.  I have mixed feelings about this.  First, I thought that he was gone forever.  I assumed that he decided I was untrustworthy, unreliable, or incompetent, or he didn’t like my personal appearance, or something.  I just hadn’t heard from him in a long time, and instead I just focused on moving out of my apartment.

The Ronmower (Ron) is a guy with a lawnmowing and landscaping business.  He pulled a tab off of my ‘hire a bookkeeper’ advertisement that I stuck on some bulletin boards a few months ago.  He himself had been putting up his own business cards on the bulletin boards when he saw my ad.  He’s not actually called ‘The Ronmower’ – that was just my own joke.  I typed him as LSE after talking to him a couple times.

I feel some anxiety.  I haven’t been reading my bookkeeping books for a while now.  I learned it mostly from Schaum’s Outlines, which I love, and if I had infinite time and money, I would buy every single Schaum’s Outline ever written, and do them all.  So I am rusty on bookkeeping, and rusty on thinking about economics in general.  My awareness of money and economics dies down a little bit, and I forget some things, unless I am reading about it every day.

I’m reading about the ‘creative function’ in socionics, and Profiteor is my creative function, and as such it is slightly weaker than the base function.  Business, money, and work are some of the areas that are associated with Profiteor. (I’m going to keep on fighting for the use of the function names by Gulenko or whoever it is that they come from.  Eventually, I will give up and go back to calling it Te, Se, and so on.  I want some all-encompassing, internally consistent names that all work together and have all of the benefits of all the different naming systems.  Each system has its strengths and weaknesses.)

I am becoming aware that the demonstrative function is actually a very important and underappreciated function.  In fact, the strength of the demonstrative function is one reason why the American MBTI people can get away with saying that an ISTP’s functions are TiSeNiFe, or whatever they say it is.  There is some truth in claiming that Ti is the strongest function.  Ti is four-dimensional in the ISTP.  It is as strong as your base function.  However, the MBTI people ruin their own system by arranging the functions in an inconsistent way (in fact, it’s my four-dimensional Lex that screams ‘Yuck!’ when I look at this! and it was my four-dimensional Lex that loves the neatness and internal consistency of the socionic system in contrast with MBTI).  The functions must be in the same place, every time, for everybody, and each position is meaningful.  I haven’t spent a lot of time reading about the rationale for why they are moving the functions that way – it was months ago that I was learning that, and I dropped them and went to socionics, where I had the feeling of logical neatness instead of the ‘total mess and clusterfuck’ feeling that I got from MBTI.  I need to explain the REASONS WHY it feels like a clusterfuck, and that will take a lot of time and research.  It’s not as much of a clusterfuck as the enneagram is, though.

Anyway.  I wouldn’t be doing much external bookkeeping.  Mostly, I would do internal bookkeeping.  For internal bookkeeping (managerial accounting) you can use whatever methods you want.  You can use astrology if you feel like it.  It doesn’t matter.  (Well, the consequences matter to you.)  You are doing it for yourself, to get an idea of how profitable your business is, and how profitable all the different parts of it are.  Nobody else has to see it but you.  That’s mostly the type of help he wanted.  But he also needs help keeping records for tax purposes.

I wouldn’t feel so anxious about it if I weren’t in the middle of 1. having a drug residue reaction, and 2. waiting for my direct deposit to come in next Wednesday or so.  I’m wondering if I will be able to get through the next couple days without needing any more money.  That’s one of the reasons why I am sitting still and fooling around on the computer at the library – if I don’t drive around anywhere, I won’t use gas.

Also, for whatever reason, ‘they’ urged me to drink coffee.  I’ve been drinking coffee for the last two or three days.

Something about a coworker.  A guy is growing his hair long.  This is my ‘beneficiary’ or ‘request recipient’ or whatever you call the relation – the ESI (it varies – there are different names being used for the same socionic relation).  It was on Rick’s blog, I think, where he mentioned that anybody whose ego block contains anything from your super-id block will be somewhat attractive/attracted to you.  So you don’t necessarily have to memorize all the socionic relations to know which ones are the most favorable.  You just notice that somebody has, for instance, Relatio, and you yourself have Profiteor, so you know there will be some kind of attraction or ‘soft spot’ for that person.  I have that with the ESI coworker.

So he’s growing his hair long.  But I don’t know how long, and I don’t know why he’s doing it, or how committed he is.  Yesterday I saw him wearing one of those little plastic hairbands to keep his hair back out of his face, and when I saw it, I nearly wept, a little bit – I wanted to say ‘thank you.’  (I am having weird moods because of the PMS and the drug residues.)  I am grateful that he is doing this, and if he tolerates people making fun of his hairband (they were calling him a feminized version of his name – for instance, if my name is Nicole, you could masculinize my name and call me Nicholas – they were doing that to his name) then it seems like he has a high level of commitment to doing this.  I don’t want anyone to make fun of him, but I didn’t say anything to defend him when it was happening – I am already feeling insecure and creepy, and I want to say to him ‘OH MY GOD! I LOVE YOUR HAIR! YOUR  HAIR IS AWESOME! THANK YOU! KEEP GOING!’ but I feel like ‘Ew, if NICOLE likes your hair, that’s NOT a good thing.’  So I don’t say anything.  I’m not always this insecure, but I am right now.

Anytime my finances are insecure, my sex life is insecure.  I’ve noticed that in the past.  My sexual confidence, my sexual attractiveness, and my ability to enjoy sex, are greatly diminished if I feel powerless with my money or unable to support myself financially.  I forgot about that because it hasn’t happened in a long time.  It is especially bad if I am dependent in any way, if somebody else is giving me money, if my parents give me money, or if I live with a boyfriend without paying rent, or if the boyfriend is buying things for me.  I strongly dislike receiving gifts that cost money.

I dislike receiving any physical gifts at all even if you made them yourself.  In fact, that’s even worse.  My aunt Jeannie, a suspected IEI? type, used to give me handmade gifts, and it kills me to tell the truth, but the fact is, I can’t stand the types of things that she makes – I find them to be both ugly and impractical, and that is the horrible truth – I don’t say that to her, I just told her I don’t want to get any gifts, and I’ve not gone to celebrate Christmas with anyone in the past few years.

Anyway, the point is that I’m feeling financially insecure and that also makes me feel sexually insecure.  It contributes to my feeling of not being able to stand up for him when he’s being made fun of.

It’s strange how I can read his silent feelings, even if I can’t see his face.  It is something in his body, something in his gestures and posture, and perhaps even in his electromagnetic field.  I said something when I was standing next to him, something trivial having to do with work, and what I felt from him was ‘distrust.’  He wasn’t looking at me, he was looking at what he was working on.  He didn’t say anything in response, he was silent. That happens between us now and then.  Every once in a while I start getting the feeling that he is either hurt or distrusting of me.  He has a girlfriend, and that has made me feel more uncomfortable with him, more insecure than I already am.  I didn’t know whether or not he had a girlfriend, and I don’t know how long they’ve been together.

But then later on we connected again because I asked a question about a song that played on the radio.  I was in another room, and I heard what sounded like a pretty good beat.  It almost sounded like it might have potential.  I went out there to listen to it, and I didn’t recognize the song, so I asked if anyone else in the room knew what it was.  None of us knew, and we didn’t hear what the announcer said afterwards.  It didn’t matter too much – I am just always looking for tiny fragments of potential in the music I hear, and I rarely find them.  It seemed like I might be able to dance to the beat.  He stood and listened as we tried to figure out what it was.  Afterwards he actually whistled the melody as though he had been able to memorize it in the few moments that it had been playing, and I was surprised because it was a sort of irregular, blues-jazz kind of thing, and I myself found it difficult to remember.

I get small fragments of what I need.  I find it in the music.  I find it in the people.

I had another ‘small fragment’ this morning.  I was sitting in my car with my window open, drinking my coffee, in front of Sheetz. Three people on bikes came up to the building.  I instantly saw them and was fascinated.  I liked the way they walked and the way they carried themselves.  One guy was talking about a Russian church.  He said if you went to a Russian church and you didn’t understand a word that anyone was saying, that was similar to these children who weren’t able to understand what was going on in some situation.  Then he was talking about the future of something, something in the future was going to happen.  Then he said that when you take a certain group of people in society and put them all together, but only on Sunday, something happens or something is important about that, but I didn’t hear what (again, something having to do with church).  This conversation sounded very interesting.  I wondered if he was an IEE.  The guy he was talking to might have then been an LSE.  The silent guy, who didn’t say anything in the conversation, could have been a SLI.  I was just guessing, for fun.  I find tiny fragments of what I need.

I still need to take a bath today.  I will be using hot water from a sink this time, just like I did yesterday.  It’s way too cold to go to the creek.  The little fish will be wondering where I am.

I only have ten minutes left on the login.  Anyway, so I need to call Ron back. I feel anxious and insecure for many reasons this week.  As soon as the direct deposit comes in, I will feel more secure.  Then I can continue to do all the things I need to do.  I’m still surprised that Ron still wanted to work with me.  Actually, I believe that ‘they’ forced him to get the ‘sudden urge’ to send me a text, and that it wasn’t his own idea.  And whenever ‘they’ force people to do things, those things are unsustainable.  This is probably unsustainable – it probably won’t work.  If he doesn’t feel ready, if something about it feels unnatural or wrong to him, if it feels like the wrong time, if he didn’t get the natural impulse to do it on his own, then it’s wrong, and it won’t last, and it won’t be reliable.  If they forced him to go against his own misgivings and write back to me ‘on impulse,’ it means he wasn’t ready for that and he won’t be able to handle the results and he won’t be able to persistently, consistently keep pushing the project.  His energy will be sporadic and intermittent.  I just wasn’t ready for any of this, I wasn’t ready to start the bookkeeping thing yet, when I dropped the whole thing and focused on moving out of the apartment.

Well, time’s nearly up.

Ripped seat cover causes drug exposure; temporarily out of money; negative health effects from bathing in polluted creeks; ‘contact functions’ in socionics

August 11, 2011

I had several problems the last couple days, and I am in a bad mood.  First, the seat cover on my driver’s seat was ripping, and I didn’t notice it at first.  It exposed me to the drug residue on the seat, which started causing symptoms.  As soon as I noticed what was going on, I put a piece of cardboard on it to cover it up, and then later, I got some new vinyl, and I made a new seat cover the next day.  I had to get rid of the clothes and also the sleeping bag that had been touching all over me and the exposed car seat.

So the result was that I was having that irresistible urge to talk on the forum in such graphic detail that it pretty much ended the entire conversation that was going on, as everyone pretty much had the reaction of ‘OMG! Too much information!’ and left.  Or that’s how it seems.

The reason the seat cover ripped was because I had one whole piece of vinyl covering the seat, and I’ve been bending the seat up and down as I move it from the sleeping position to the driving position.  I was putting pressure on the fold in the center where the vinyl was too tight and it was unsupported underneath and it didn’t have enough stretching room, when the seat was in the lying down position.  So it gradually ripped.

I made a new seat cover out of two separate pieces of vinyl that are able to move much more easily and are looser so they won’t rip as quickly.

Still, I have some on me, because I contaminated the new seat cover when I still used the old sleeping bag that had the residue on it.  It’s not as bad, and I’ve gotten rid of everything now, but I still have some on me, and will have to do a couple more decontamination steps to get rid of it.

However, I am now out of money, which makes it hard to buy new things that I need to replace contaminated stuff.  During my two week vacation I didn’t earn any money.  However, I thought I would be getting a direct deposit this week for working last week, and I didn’t.  I forgot that it’s a whole week behind.  Last week’s work will be paid for next Wednesday.  I have a small amount of money left from selling some of my silver.

I was thinking about it this morning, and I will run out of money by next week unless I completely stay still, stop driving, and eat hardly anything.  I’m not going to do that, I’m going to just sell some more.

So that’s annoying me.  The other thing that’s annoying me is that I missed my period.  It was supposed to come around the end of last month, and it didn’t.  That’s when I was moving out.  It’s now weeks and weeks late.  I haven’t been having sex with anyone, so I’m just missing my period for no reason.  I never use the word ‘stress’ to explain any medical phenomena.  If people have contempt for ‘cure-alls,’ why don’t they have the same kind of contempt for ’cause-alls?’  ‘Stress’ is a cause-all.  You can use stress to explain anything on earth that goes wrong if you don’t know the explanation.  Stress just means the doctor doesn’t have any idea what’s causing something.

I think that I’m missing my period because I’ve been bathing in the creeks, and the creeks have an unknown poison in them.  I have been having liver dysfunction symptoms, such as pale colored stools.  I’ve been having that happen ever since I started wading in the creeks and swimming at the dam.  At first I thought it was caused by parasites, but I decided that it happened too quickly after exposure, and also, it goes away too quickly if you stop the exposure to the water.  The water might contain PCBs, pesticides, herbicides, fertilizers, and other agricultural and landscaping chemicals.  Whatever it is, it makes my liver malfunction.  I think it’s also making my reproductive system malfunction, and that’s why I haven’t gotten my period.

My period is trying to start right now – it’s been just barely kind of starting in the last couple days, but not really.  It barely starts, and then stops again.  I think it’s making me more irritable, too.  Today I was driving my car around and grumbling ‘I hate this culture!’ over and over again, as I saw people with large objects and furniture piled on the curbs waiting for the trash.  It’s perfectly good furniture.  It isn’t contaminated with toxic drug residues like MY belongings are.  I throw away my belongings because I have to, because it’s life or death, because touching them causes terrible symptoms.  Other people throw away thousands of dollars worth of furniture because they are too lazy and too wasteful to care.

I fantasize that I would rent someone’s truck and I would gather all of the garbage and put it into a storage unit, and I would prove that this stuff is still profitable.  I would sell the used furniture that I had collected for free.  My expenses would be the cost of the storage unit that I kept it in.  I would have to sell it online.

People are buying that stuff with their credit cards.  Perhaps they don’t have cars and so they can’t bring the furniture someplace else to drop it off at Goodwill or something; however, I see this happening at houses that obviously have cars.  And if they really cared about it, they would find a way.  So that was the first reason why I was grumbling that I hate this culture.

Then I started grumbling because I saw men who were wearing the ‘So close, yet so far’ hairstyle.  There were a couple of older men with white hair that I saw today, and both of them had partially long hair.  One man had partly shaved, partly bald hair with a ponytail in back, and no facial hair.  The other man had a full head of hair in a ponytail, and some fragments of short facial hair with shaved-off spaces in between, like a goatee or something, I forget.  The facial hair is never long, it is always less than an inch long, and it is ‘purely decorative’ and not intended for touching and stroking.  It is there merely to add ‘color’ and ‘looks’ without adding touchability.  It is there merely to cover up the bare skin.  I was frustrated because I want to see them just grow everything without leaving anything out, and so I started grumbling ‘I hate this culture!’ again.

I was thinking about something having to do with socionics.  I read somewhat recently about ‘contact functions’ versus ‘inert functions,’ and I believe that that particular observation is true.  For some reason, we seek out information having to do with particular functions.  I enjoy reading fantasy fiction books that are probably written by ILIs (Jo Rowling is one) that use the tempus function.  I would spend a lot more time reading fiction if I could, but I have too many other things to do now.  I read a lot more fiction when I was a child.  I find it very satisfying to read.

My tempus function is two-dimensional, so that I learn it from experience, and I learn it by accepting ‘norms’ for that function.  My understanding of a function that can only accept norms, but not create much by itself, is like this:  fan fiction.  When I was a child, I wrote fantasy stories, and I didn’t really create a lot of new ideas on my own.  Instead I took ideas that I had seen in other books, in TV shows, and from dreams (which I now know do not come from within my own mind), and from paranormal experiences and hallucinations I had as a child (such as the time when I swore I was awake, and I saw these glowing eyes floating towards me from the darkness of the ceiling in my bedroom).  I wrote that stuff into my stories, but I did not innovate or create a lot of new concepts myself.  It’s like fan fiction, where you take someone else’s idea and characters and you continue them and add something to them.

‘Contact functions’ are not necessarily valued functions.  I used to read a lot of fantasy fiction books by, most often, ILIs, or possibly IEIs.  So in some way it seems like it’s ‘valued,’ but it’s not valued in the sense that you want to find it in your dual and use it all the time.  It’s not valued in the same way that ego and super-id functions are valued.  Learning about ‘contact functions’ suggests to me that there are other ways you could arrange the functions besides Model A.  You could arrange them in different ways to indicate which ones were ‘contact functions,’ and that kind of thing.  I’m not going to change it, I will just memorize which ones are contact functions.  It just suggests to me that more is going on, and I don’t know what it is.  It doesn’t matter how you arrange it, just so long as you are consistent, and so you know which function has which attributes.  No matter how you arranged it, it would mess something else up, like when you’re solving a Rubik’s cube and you mess up one side while trying to solve the other.

Anyway, my bad mood is temporary, and in a couple of weeks, things will get sorted out as I start getting my direct deposits again.  That’s the only thing that really is bothering me right now.  After that, I will find it easier to do the things I need to do.

I have gotten through a lot of the storage unit, although it’s slowed down somewhat now that I’m working again, but I am still doing it, just not every day of the week.  I am even able to work on it before going to work at McDonald’s, so I’m able to do both in one day, the storage unit and my paid job.  It would normally be inconceivable to try to work on any project at all on a day when I have to go to work, except that I’ve cut back my work hours so that I will be able to get this done.  I now have a few large objects that I have to get rid of.  I am going to sell my dishwasher, and I have to get rid of the recliner because it has the drug residue all over it from the sheets and blankets that I had on it during that time period.  I have a large rubbermaid-type tub filled with miscellaneous objects, and I am sorting through that right now, in the past few days.  (I can’t recall the brand name; Rubbermaid is all I can think of.)

Anyway… ‘just keep swimming.’  I will be switching over to taking baths in sinks soon anyway, as it’s getting cold outside now.  As soon as I switch to using the sinks, I will notice whether or not my symptoms disappear.  Other than that, I will ‘just keep swimming’ as Dory meant it in Finding Nemo.  It will be easier next week when I get my direct deposit.

I read one of my old diaries briefly while I was in the storage unit.  I told some hilarious stories about things that happened in middle school.  There was a time when the band teacher left the room on an errand, and while he was gone, we played frisbee with the drum pads.  But one of them flew straight up to the ceiling and hit a fluorescent light, which then partly fell off and hung by one end.  So people were standing on top of the piano trying to reach the light and fix it, but they couldn’t. We were laughing and getting all scared because we knew we’d get in trouble.  The band teacher came back and yelled at us and said that we were so loud, he could hear us all the way at the other end of the building.  And he said if he saw anyone peeking out the door again, he would give us all D-hall (detention).  So he didn’t notice the broken light, until one guy said, ‘If you don’t fix that light, it’s going to fall on somebody.’  The teacher said, ‘Yes, it wasn’t like that when I left.  What’s been going on?’  So we had to tell him what happened.  This story was hilarious to me.  I’m keeping the diaries and other things I wrote a long time ago.

Escape from prison – a game

August 8, 2011

I was looking at my website stats and noticed I had written a post about my ideal imaginary play scenario.  I was talking to my co-worker the other day, the one who’s leaving soon, and we were talking about escaping from prison.  This subject came up because the back door was open when somebody was taking out the trash, and we were joking about ‘now’s our chance, let’s make a run for it,’ because he often pretends he’s trying to escape from McDonald’s, and there’s this one manager who plays along and goes chasing after him when he’s trying to escape.  So I mentioned that I had been reading recently about prison escapes, like the escape from Alcatraz.  (I almost wrote ‘Azkaban,’ oops.)

He said he could hide inside a big cardboard box (yes, we have boxes big enough for people to fit in, and yes, occasionally we hide in them for fun), and ride out on the trash cart with all the boxes going to the dumpster, and then, get out of the box and get into a car going through drive-thru, which would have been arranged in advance.

I said that it would be a great game to play outdoors, ‘escape from prison’ or ‘prison break’ or something.  You’d set up an obstacle course and you’d have to sneak through it without being seen by any of the surveillance cameras or guards.  You could have people sitting up in high places as lookouts, and they would yell if they saw you sneaking through a particular sector of the obstacle course.


I survived my first week back at work.  It wasn’t that bad at all, but then, I’m only working one job and I’m not working a lot of hours.  I’ve sometimes worked two jobs and I’ve had up to about 80 hours a week.  This is not like that.  In fact, that’s the whole point.  I don’t WANT to work 80 hours a week.  But if I did, I would be able to save a lot more of the money.  However, when you spend that much time working, you can’t make changes or improvements in your lifestyle, because all you do is work, and you don’t have any time for home projects or even to just sit down and think and make a plan.  My goal is to finish my projects and lifestyle changes, and those things take time and work at home, unpaid work.

I really was happy this morning when I got up and I knew I was off work and I got ready to take my bath in the creek.  I have a theory that the creek isn’t as cold if you’ve eaten some saturated fat.  A long time ago, when I lived in West Virginia with my parents, I used to read these Time Life books – I think that’s what they were called.  They were some kind of books about nature and geography, a series of books that were almost like encyclopedias, but with one particular topic per book, like ‘The Arctic,’ and that kind of thing.

Maybe the book was about both polar regions, the Arctic and the Antarctic.  Anyway I remember reading that they had discovered that if the polar explorers didn’t eat enough fat in their diets, they would quickly get severe frostbite right away.  But if they ate high-fat foods, it prevented frostbite.  I never forgot that.

So it’s my theory that if I eat too many low-fat foods, I can’t tolerate the cold creek.  Yesterday, I just couldn’t do it.  I tried to take a bath in the creek, but I couldn’t bear to get really wet, and I just washed a few parts of my body without sitting down in the water and without getting really wet.  I had been eating less fat for a day or two.  It was colder than usual outside yesterday morning, but somehow, all these other days, the cold hasn’t really bothered me.  I don’t know why it seemed so much worse yesterday.  I had to make a theory for why I could tolerate it all those other times, but not that one day.  Maybe it really was just colder than usual outside.  I don’t know.  But I ate a higher fat breakfast today, and tolerated the cold easily.

It makes me happy to get out of my car at the park and to anticipate that I’m going to take a walk along the edge of the stream, where I can see the mist rising and the cobwebs covered in dew, and the little shamrocks growing at the edge of the parking lot, and a tiny little weed with coral-colored flowers, an orange-pink color. I walk across the grass covered in dewdrops and I smell the fresh air coming from the creek and the woods.

And when I sit there eating my breakfast in the parking lot at McDonald’s, I throw bits of food out the window for the sparrows and the crows that fly over and land next to the car and hop over and look up at me expectantly. Of course, I won’t be eating breakfast at McDonald’s permanently – eventually I am going to go back to cooking my own food – but for now I’m eating fast food.

I am outdoors all the time now and it’s much better than being stuck in a house.

My symbiotic fish, the little minnows, the cleaner fish, were swarming all around my legs and feet this morning.  One of these days maybe I’ll take a picture of them doing that.  They are getting familiar with me, I think, since I always go to the same place now.  I don’t know what they’re eating from my skin, whether it’s salt, or oils, or skin cells.

I saw two crayfish today.  I’ve seen a few empty crayfish shells, and I’ve seen a couple of dead ones, in the last couple months as I’ve been exploring the creeks, but I hadn’t seen any live ones, so I was pleasantly surprised to see these two this morning.

Back to work on my projects today, moving stuff out of storage and getting rid of things.  This is the main goal.  I really am so much more at ease now.  As the weeks go by, I will see whether this lifestyle is helping me save money.

I bathed in the creek this morning.

August 5, 2011

It’s a cool, cloudy morning.  We’ve been having rain and clouds for several days, and I assume it has something to do with the tropical storm that was in the Gulf of Mexico.  Little mushrooms suddenly grew out of the wood chips around the landscaped bushes.

I worked yesterday.  My favorite co-worker told me he’s leaving in a couple weeks.  I know I will get over it – at least ‘they’ didn’t force me to do anything stupid this time – but it reminds me that I cannot form bonds with co-workers, all of whom are only there temporarily.  It makes me think again about intentional communities, and about people who promise to bond with each other and not to leave.

Last night I was sleeping in a parking lot where I sometimes go.  It’s actually a car dealership, but the back parking lot is sort of dark and the ground is covered with gravel and the edges are surrounded by weeds, and it just feels like a place where my car can blend in.  I’ve slept in my car there several times in the past for various reasons.  However, I don’t feel completely safe there, as I’m afraid someone will tell me to leave.

So last night, around 3 AM, I heard a large vehicle making weird noises, and it was driving around the lot.  The noises reminded me of a trash truck lifting up dumpsters or something, and I thought that might be what it was.  But I thought it might be a tow truck coming to get me and I got really scared.  I looked out the window but could not see where the truck had gone.  I kept looking for a few minutes and then decided to leave.  I’m still not sure what exactly it was.  Most likely it wasn’t a tow truck, and it had nothing to do with me at all, but still I was too anxious to stay there, so I just went to Wal-Mart again.  I’ve heard from many people, online and offline, that Wal-Mart is considered a safe place to sleep in your car or to park your RV if you live in your RV.  Supposedly they tolerate your being there.

This morning I decided I wanted to bathe in the creek again.  Yesterday I washed off in the bathroom at the new storage unit, and so I had hot water.  However, for some reason, I actually enjoy using the creek more!  Maybe it’s because I just love going in the woods and walking in creeks anyway.  So I’ve only taken one ‘bath’ with hot water in a sink so far.  I’ve either not bathed at all (on my days off work, when it doesn’t matter) or bathed in the creeks.  I have a couple different places I go.

I don’t walk barefoot all the time, by the way.  For instance, I don’t walk barefoot if I’m going on a long gravel road.  The voices were mentioning this to me because they’ve been talking about male EIIs lately, my activator relation, and how activators often take each other too literally (according to the descriptions of that relationship), and how they thought somebody might take my asceticism to the extreme, after I said that walking barefoot is ‘better’ than walking with shoes on, and they might torture themselves by walking in places where even *I* wouldn’t walk barefoot.  I do vary it with the situation. I only walk barefoot if I know that I’m going to be on a dirt path without lots of rocks. Anyway that was one of the weird ideas that came from the voices.

Taking a bath in the creek, in cold water, without any soap, is like asceticism.  I’m thinking of pictures of ascetics in India who were bathing in the river.  But I don’t do it to torture the body or to deprive myself, necessarily.  It’s not like that.  It’s actually a different kind of enjoyment.  I guess in some ways I like it because it’s the worst-case scenario, and I’m proving that I can survive the worst.  I won’t have to be afraid of the worst anymore.  What happens if you lose everything you own and you lose your house and car and you have to take baths in the creek?  For some reason, I want to do this deliberately. But even that isn’t the only reason that I like bathing in the creek.  It’s hard to explain.

I’ve been doing everything the normal way for years and years.  I moved into my first apartment (where my parents weren’t paying the rent for me) in 1998, I think.  Since then I’ve been working various jobs.  I’ve lost jobs, I’ve quit them, I’ve been laid off, I’ve had incidents where I didn’t really want to quit but had a problem with a manager and sort of got fired (that was at McDonald’s a few years ago, and EVERYONE had problems with this particular manager – we later found out that he was stealing credit card numbers from the employees too).  I know about the instability of jobs.

Everyone wants to go to college so they can avoid working at fast food places.  But they go deeply in debt to do that.  I know some people might have more reasons than merely ‘to avoid working at fast food places.’  But to me, going in debt feels just as bad as working in restaurants.  I just don’t feel ready to go deeply in debt, when I don’t know whether I can complete the classes or not.

Anyway, I’ve worked at these jobs, I’ve paid my utility bills, I’ve bought a car, I’ve used credit cards (and asked Mom and Dad to help me pay it off, and they did – but they should have said no), and I’ve defaulted on credit cards and other debts, which is where I am now.  I’ve gone to the hospital a couple times for various things, and my life and my income have been so unstable that I haven’t been able to pay any of those off either.  I’ve been in default for several years now.  In fact it was connected to ‘the voices,’ who argued with me and urged me to stop trying to pay.  I had this belief that I just had to keep trying, and trying, and trying to pay, and I always tried to make regular payments, and nobody stopped me – my parents paid my debts for me when I asked them to, and the credit card companies always gave me more credit.  That was years ago now.  I haven’t had any credit cards for a long time.

I started buying silver coins and saving them.  And several days ago, I sold a few of them back to the guy I bought them from, because I needed money for a couple of weeks, and I really, really didn’t want to ask Mom to give me yet another check when I had just taken one from her.  I *hate* taking money from my parents.  I have wanted to be free of it for so long.  Silver coins are inconvenient to use, and it’s painful to sell them, because you cannot quickly and easily sell them at the ‘spot price’ you see on the internet – if you want the convenience of selling them on the spur of the moment to the local dealer, he will want to give you a lower price for them.  I can call this guy on the phone and make an appointment to quickly sell the coins.  It’s not like putting them on eBay or something.  So I try not to sell them.  I just intend to keep them for emergencies.

If I had tried to keep that much cash in my bank account, it would have gotten used up instantly for other various things.  And I don’t want to say that ‘I can’t control my spending,’ because in reality ‘they’ have often forced me to buy things I don’t want, such as a serger sewing machine, which they forced me to buy while I was having a drug residue reaction and I was vulnerable to suggestion.  So anyway, keeping it in the form of coins is the best way for me to save money for long periods of time.

So as I said, I’ve done everything ‘the normal way’ for years now, and it’s not working for me.  There are reasons why it’s been worse for me – I am being harassed, and then I had the drug residue contamination incident, which has been going on all this time, which causes me to throw away a large number of things I own.  For all these reasons, I can’t live a ‘normal life’ right now.

So even though it was cloudy and cool, I went to one of my parks, Slab Cabin park, which is a rather boring park that has nothing in it except a pavilion, some grills, and a big open lawnmowed space where people are supposed to play group sports, I guess.  And in the winter, we used to go sledding there, when I lived with Eric, and he brought his daughter Tiana.  Not many people go there.  It’s not as busy as Spring Creek Park.

I found my entry point to the stream.  I took off my shoes and I hobbled across the rocks to a place where I was slightly out of view, but actually, I would be easily visible if anyone walked to that area – it’s at the very edge of the park, and there’s nothing really out there that anyone would want to go to.  So there are few people out there.

It’s really hard to walk on the rocks.  That’s another place where I can’t walk barefoot for long distances.  I can’t walk in the creeks.  The rocks are so oddly shaped, slippery, and uneven, and the water is pushing on your legs and making you lose your balance, and I have a high center of gravity because of the shape of my body (long torso, short legs), so I fall over more easily than perhaps I should.

The rocks are all orange there.  They must be full of iron.  I love earthtone orange.  It’s one of my favorite colors.

So I took off my clothes, and since I’ve been to that place a couple times now, I was feeling more comfortable and less afraid.  I brought a garbage bag with me to put my clothes in, and I had a change of clothes in there.  I crouched down in the creek and started washing with my washcloth.  It was quite cold, but somehow nice and refreshing, and it wasn’t cold in a bad way.  My dreadlocks seem to repel cold water.  They didn’t get very deeply wet.

The little minnows were swarming all around my feet and nibbling them.  They must be hungry.  I don’t usually see them being that trusting.  I mean, they’re usually rather trusting, up to a point, but they often avoid being right up next to me.  I thought they were very cute.  See, that kind of thing wouldn’t happen if I took a bath using a sink with hot water in a bathroom.  It really is a special, enjoyable experience.  I can’t describe it or explain it.  I really can’t explain why bathing in the creek is somehow a nice thing instead of a self-torturing, self-denial thing.  I know it’s cold and muddy.

I got out of the water and dried off and got dressed.  I watched some tiny baby minnows swimming around.  They looked just like the baby guppies I used to have in the guppy tank years ago.  I wonder what baby trout look like.  I’ve seen quite a few trout now, and I forget which kind they are – brook trout or brown trout? – and I wonder if some of the ‘small minnows’ might actually be baby trout.

My garbage bag got holes in it from snagging on thorn bushes, and I forgot about that, and so I let the bag hang in the water while I walked across, only to find that everything inside had gotten wet as the water came through the holes.  That’s okay, I just laid it across some cardboard in the back seat of my car.  I won’t let it happen again.

I can’t wait until I’m done working on the storage units.  I don’t know what my next project will be, but I’m so glad to be moving on.

I worked all morning, and now I’m going to work at McD, and I’ll probably do some more work this evening, too.

August 4, 2011

I did some laundry this morning at a laundromat that I haven’t been to in a long time.  While waiting, I walked down the street a little bit and saw the car wash.  I walked up to it and saw a door labeled ‘Dog Wash.’  Could this actually be for washing dogs, or did ‘dog wash’ have some secret meaning having to do with cars?  It turns out that it’s referring to dogs.  I went in and looked at the baths.  It costs $10 to do it, and you can’t try to use less time and pay less, because you have to pay the $10 at once up front.  I thought I’d like to take showers in there, except that it’s expensive, and also, there might be pesticide in there from the previous dog, because they have a flea and tick spray setting on the wash.

I am continuing to settle in to my car.  It is actually not that bad, and I’m sleeping well enough.  I actually get up much earlier in the morning than I ever did at home.  At home, I stayed in bed until as late as possible, until I got attacked and they forced me to get up and get out of bed and go somewhere.  But when I’m sleeping in the car, I can see the sun rising, and the light makes me feel awake.  Also, there isn’t moldy air in my car like there was in the apartment, so that’s another reason why I’m not so tired in the morning.  So I’ve been getting up and doing stuff at unbelievably early times like 6:00 and 7:00.  Then I go to work on ‘the plan’ for the day, whatever it is, to go to the new storage unit (I have two – one of them is small and has new stuff, and one is big and has lots of old stuff) and get something I need, or go take a bath, go eat something, and then work on sorting through old stuff in storage that I’m getting rid of.

I’ve been extremely aggressive at getting rid of my stuff, and I’ve made huge progress.  I hesitate to say this, but believe it or not, I’m almost done.  I’m throwing away a lot of things, and giving one or two things to Goodwill if they’re valuable and not contaminated, and I’m archiving a few things.  Some stuff I won’t throw away, such as old paintings that I did back in the days when I did artwork.  So that archive will still be there taking up a little bit of space, but it will be nothing like the tons of stuff I had before.  Plus, there were a lot of boxes with only a few small things in them, because I moved out of the old apartment (in 2009) very hastily and just threw stuff in boxes, and also because I was trying, desperately and hopelessly, to keep ephedra-contaminated objects separated from clean objects so the contamination wouldn’t spread.

So, I’m enjoying living in my car and I will continue to do it as long as I can.  I haven’t settled on what is the next project after I’ve cleaned out the storage unit.  It’s unthinkable.  I’ve had that stuff sitting in there for two years now, this unwanted burden, this huge pile of unsorted stuff mixed with some contaminated objects that can’t be easily cleaned.  It’s been blocking me from enjoying myself and from feeling free.

With everything I get rid of, I feel better.  It’s a little bit like an old story book I had, ‘In Search of the Saveopotamus.’  I hope I spelled that right.  There is this creature, the Hoardasaurus, who hoards everything and is always worried about it.  He is constantly looking over his shoulder thinking someone will steal his stuff.  But eventually he turns over his stuff to the Saveopotamus and he feels much less anxious and paranoid.  I remember something in the story about how he felt better and better with every item he got rid of.  I’m feeling that way.

When I throw away my stuff, I’m thinking of my future children.  The more objects I carry along, the more ephedra outbreak incidents I will have in the future from handling things that weren’t completely cleaned.  This prevents me from feeling safe about having children.  I don’t want my children exposed to any of the poisons I handled.  So with every item I throw away I remind myself about my future children.  I threw away a grandfather clock that my grandfather made for me, years ago.  It was a small one that sat on the desk.  When I first handled the ephedra, I actually reset the clocks right at that same time and I handled that clock and contaminated it very badly and had a severe reaction to it when I touched it some time later.  I had worried that I would be unable to get rid of the clock.

However, I told myself a couple of things: 1. If I fantasize that Granddaddy is still alive up in heaven and watching over me, then I could also fantasize that he was capable of seeing and understanding things that he would not have been able to understand while he was alive; therefore, he would be sympathetic about what I was doing and why I was doing it.  If you imagine that someone is still alive in heaven, then you can imagine their personality to be however you want it to be.  I technically don’t believe in heaven, but there is a part of me that does, instinctively, automatically, and I can’t reason with that part of myself.  So I have to talk to it using that kind of reasoning.  I’m not absolutely certain about whether that ‘part of myself’ actually is something in me, or whether it’s the result of the electronic mind control, because they always give me fake feelings and fake ideas and make me feel like ‘people are watching me.’  2. I said to myself, if I don’t get rid of the contamination, then there won’t BE any more grandfathers.  I have to have children – that is all I have wanted for the past few years.  Every time I get rid of this burden, my future children are more safe.  They don’t have to worry about being poisoned with ephedra, and getting persistent insomnia so they never fall asleep again, and having to throw THEIR belongings away.

I’m happy about living in my car.  Everyone I’ve mentioned this to (in person) has responded with shock and horror and pity, as in ‘Oh, you poor thing!’  I’m tired of people responding that way.  This is a choice that I made.  I could have chosen to renew my lease and pay hundreds of dollars in rent every month, and that makes ME want to say ‘Oh, you poor thing!’  ‘Poor things’ are people who are forced to throw away tens of thousands of dollars, years and years of their lives, to pay for things they can live without, big expensive things, things that are artificially made more expensive because of the government and the money system.

I think I’ll finish this for now.  I have to be at work in an hour.  I don’t have my ipod charged.  Work will be really boring without the ipod.  We’ve been so slow, there’s nothing to do but stand around or clean stuff, and I hate cleaning.

That’s the other thing.  I’m feeling like I can escape from work now.  That’s all I ever wanted.  I wanted to become financially independent so that I could have enough income from other sources that I wouldn’t have to work anymore.  If I can continue to live in my car, or else, get rid of the car completely, and live on the land, then I will be able to afford to work less and less, and spend time doing real things in the real world, things that matter.  I really am thinking of living ‘on the land,’ somewhere in the woods, on unprotected land that nobody walks on, and I wouldn’t necessarily live in a tent, it might be, for instance, straw bales.  I’d just ride my bike around, and I might add a motor to the bike. The bike could be taken to the secret house and nobody would see me.

Random comment.  I watched ‘Insidious’ again the other day and it STILL scared the living crap out of me, even though I’ve already seen it.

Anyway, that’s it for now.  I am happy about this choice and it is going very well.

3rd day without a home. I’m settling in to my car.

August 1, 2011

I’m also off caffeine again, so I had a headache all day yesterday, but that’s gone now.

I had a hard time sleeping on Saturday night. I was having a reaction to the residue that had gotten on my seat, but eventually I put some cardboard on top of it to cover it up – that was all I had at the time – and after that, I fell asleep.  The next day I put some plastic over it, and that’s working.

On Saturday, I drove around all day on short little trips all around town.  I was disoriented and didn’t really know where to stop or what to do.  I spent some time at parks.  I decided to start writing a ‘plan’ in my notebook so that I would know what I needed to do and where I needed to go.  But now, a couple days later, the plans aren’t necessary.  I just needed it at first because I had a lot of little errands to run and supplies to get. Now I mostly have everything I need in the car.

I’ve taken two baths in the creek in the woods, and one at the dam at Howard yesterday.  I’m not using soap, so I’m not putting soap suds into the creeks.  The creeks are too cold, and I probably won’t be able to stand doing that very often, but I had to try it a couple of times.  I might, I might not.

My big project now is clear and obvious and unavoidable.  I’m not just sitting around wondering what to do next.  I know exactly what to do.  I’ve started aggressively cleaning out the storage unit.  I have to carry stuff to dumpsters around town.  I don’t like putting things in other people’s dumpsters – it’s sort of rude – but I’m doing it anyway.

I’ve been sleeping in the front seat, instead of sleeping in the trunk area with the back seats down.  For some reason I feel safer sleeping in the front seat, probably so that I can start driving immediately if I have to leave.

I’ve already gotten used to it and I know I will be able to do this for a long time until it gets very cold.  So I’m pretty sure I will continue for several months.  Then I will decide what to do whenever it gets so cold that I can’t stand it anymore.

It’s wonderful to be able to clean out the storage unit and not have to drive all the way from Bellefonte to do it.  I had it there waiting all this time, but going and cleaning it out was a ‘big deal.’  Not only that, but I would always get a couple things out and then just go home, but I can’t ‘go home’ now – instead, I have to put the stuff in the dumpsters and then continue to linger around town, which means that I will go do another batch of stuff if I can.  I have to take breaks from the work.  I’m sorting through things like a huge garbage bag filled with receipts and little slips of paper with notes on them, and it looked like it had been a bag of trash that somehow got put in the storage unit, but it wasn’t, because it also had important papers in it like paycheck stubs.

I can tell I’m off caffeine because it’s much harder to think of anything to say, but that’s also because I’m in the library and there’s all this noise around me, all these people typing and clicking their keyboards, and it’s hard to focus.  I might use my netbook again, but not right away.

I cleaned up my car and made everything organized and easy to reach, so I have stuff in boxes now – I have a box with miscellaneous objects and papers in it, a box of clean clothes, and a box of dirty clothes.  I have my unkillable pothos plant in the car too, and so I’ve kept my windows open a little so the car won’t heat up too much, but it still gets very hot.  I can block the windows with cardboard so the sun doesn’t shine in – I did that the first day – I just need to get some more cardboard.

Mostly, I’m just focused on this task of emptying out the storage unit.  It’s the big thing that has been blocking me from moving on with my life.  I will be working on that and only that for the next few weeks.  I wonder how quickly I will get it done.  I’ve barely made a dent in it, but still, it is a dent.  Then I will make another dent, and another, and another.