Archive for April, 2013

Troubleshooting my bad moods, successfully.

April 30, 2013

1:01 PM 4/30/2013

I went to the hotel last night. I took a shower. After the shower, I felt much better. I was no longer in such a horrible mood. This convinced me that yes, it has definitely been a drug residue or poison on me that is making me feel persistently horrible.

However, my clothes were not clean, and I had to put them back on again. I went to the laundromat today, but I went to a different one in a different part of town so that I would stop meeting people I know.

I was already in a worsening mood by the time I got there. My calves are so sore in the back that it’s hard to walk, and it’s even hard to cross my legs the way I usually do when I sit down on a chair. I walked around town looking for one of the small laundromats that I knew I had seen before.

Finally I found it. It was very small. I had never tried to do the laundry in there before. I could not take off all of my clothes, so I decided to just wash my jackets and sweatshirts.

First, I tried to get money out of the coin changer. I tried putting in two different five dollar bills, but it wouldn’t take either of them even though it said it took fives. +1 to my increasing temper. So I used a couple of $1 bills instead, reluctantly. I wanted to save those for riding the bus.

Then I bought my laundry detergent, the single serving pack. That worked okay.

I went to the washer. I recognized this particular type of washer as one that I strongly disliked from past experiences. It loads in the front. You pull out this little drawer to put your detergent into. I don’t remember all the bad experiences I’ve had with them. I just in general remember them as not working very well.

I opened the little drawer and dumped in my detergent. I put my coat and sweatshirts in. Then I started inserting the coins. I was confused because the little electronic display said 75 cents, even though all the other washers said 1.75. But I started inserting the coins anyway. They made no sound, as though they were not really falling into the coin collector. The lighted display did not change, and still said .75. I vaguely realized that the number ought to be going down as I was inserting my change, and it wasn’t. +1 to my temper. I pushed the button that was supposed to give you your money back. Nothing happened. +1 temper. Being a genius, I decided that the solution was to try inserting more coins and throwing good money after bad. Nothing happened. +1. Pushed button. A couple coins came back out, but not all of them. +1.

That was enough. My temper is once again easily set off by small things. I pounded on the coin thing a couple times to try to shake it, but it didn’t work. I was getting enraged enough that I might have wanted to start hitting it hard, but I didn’t. I suddenly decided that it was time to leave this laundromat and never come back. I was not going to scoop out my laundry soap with my fingers from the little drawer and put it into the next washer down. I didn’t trust any of the washers at all anymore, even though I could see that other people’s were working.

I took my clothes out of the washer and wrote a sign that said ‘Do Not Use,’ and folded it up and stuffed it into the coin return slot below the coin payment slot. I tried putting it into the pay slot but that was too small. You can’t read the paper all folded up, but you can see that this is a big piece of paper sticking out, so maybe people won’t use it. I no longer had enough patience to go looking for an Out Of Order sign supplied by the laundromat, and I also didn’t have enough patience anymore to write a request for a refund, if they even had a means of doing so, which I didn’t bother to find out. I just decided it was time to leave, forever, right now, and never try to use this crappy, junky, dingy laundromat ever again. So I left.

I went back to the usual laundromat. This place is risky. I tend to meet the one guy who I sort of have a relationship with, who I want to avoid. I am more and more sure that his tobacco residues are strongly affecting me. This easily sparked rage over small things is happening every time I put on my clothes.

I have some of my clothes in the washer right now, not all of them, but it’s a start. I will try to get the rest in there somehow, and I will just hope that I’m lucky enough not to meet the guy who’s giving me tobacco residues.

I happened to read something about fingerprints today, and forensic scientists are able to tell what drugs you’re using because the drugs are excreted in your skin oils, and they are able to collect them and analyze them. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fingerprint#Detection_of_drug_use.

I felt much better after the shower at the hotel and after sleeping there in the clean bed all night. I am always naked until I go outdoors, so I didn’t put any of my clothes back on until the next morning when I was getting ready to leave. The bad mood comes back gradually after putting my clothes on and also riding my bike, and I don’t know which factor is the stronger factor, the bike handlebars or the clothes. I’m working on the clothes now, to the best of my ability.

As always, my techniques for getting rid of drug residues and improving my mood are extremely effective and consistently reliable. The results are fast and dramatic, and it works every time. That is why I know I am going to succeed in getting out of this situation, these recurring manic attacks. I don’t know where I will go after that, but I know I am going to succeed in getting out of this disaster for sure, and it will happen very soon. The warmer the weather gets, the more work I am able to do. It is inevitably getting warmer and warmer, unless something very unusual happens to the planet. And I won’t rule that out. That would be just my luck. This would be the year when it didn’t get warm in the summertime, and we went back into an Ice Age. But I’ll take my chances with that and just assume it’s gonna get warm soon.

The terrifying machine; nature versus nurture; wondering about socionic information elements; are humans bred to be weak?; wanting to grow vegetables under the forest canopy; disgusting nightmares; warmer weather

April 29, 2013

10:34 AM 4/29/2013

I am actually almost not sore at all from hiking Mt. Nittany’s perimeter yesterday. I guess I am already in shape from riding my bike around and from walking it up the hill every night when I come home. The only thing that is sore is the back of my calves from where I briefly sprinted up the hill, only to have my slippers fall off the back of my heels. My feet are not sore at all on the bottoms. (*Edit: I wrote this when I hadn’t yet stood up and tried to walk. I was still lying in bed. Actually, my calves are so sore that I could barely stand up without falling.*)

I almost never get blisters and I haven’t been on any very long ‘real’ hikes, where you sleep out there overnight and go for days or weeks, so I don’t know anything about buying the right type of shoes to prevent blisters on long distance hikes, but I know all about shoes that are badly shaped that cause me to get blisters when I’m working at McDonald’s.

This is an example of something that works just fine, but then the manufacturers randomly change things to be ‘trendy’ and to be constantly changing, because it’s ‘boring’ to keep making shoes the same way forever, even if they are already perfectly designed to perform their function and don’t need any changes. It’s always those stitched panels on the upper of the shoe. They have to always change the pattern of the stitching and the shape and position of all the little individual panels, so that the stitches curve this way instead of that way, or one panel is a slightly different color than another panel, or the heel opening goes just a little bit higher or lower up onto your ankle, and so on. All of these things affect the way the shoes fit.

My little slippers have no panels at all and are made from all one piece of fabric, with no stitches other than the ones connecting it to the sole. They are very non-durable, though, and have already worn the grip off the soles after just walking for a few hours on Mt. Nittany.

I should start a company called ‘Perfect Shoes’ or ‘Eternal Shoes’ or something, and just make exactly the same shoes forever and ever, while resting on my laurels after completing the design and tooling the factory to produce it.

I still need to know where my socionics model came from, but I can’t read Russian, and it’s hard to do google searches using automatic translations of Russian. I just use something that somebody called the ‘True Model A’ in the forum, but I haven’t seen that model mentioned anywhere else, so I don’t know which ‘school’ or which author it came from. I’ve talked about this version of Model A several times before. Usually, in Model A, the SLI type would just have Si-Te-Ni-Fe-Ne-Fi-Se-Ti. But in the model that I use, it has -Si/+Se +Te/-Ti and so on, with pluses and minuses in each box.

I don’t really know how to interpret the model the way the authors intended, so I’m just interpreting it my own way. I think it means that, for instance, the SLI and the SEE have a similar type of sensing, but for some reason, the extraverted part is more ’emphasized’ somehow in the Se, and the introverted part is more emphasized in the SLI. I’m sure there must be more of an explanation than that, but that is what I think it means.

And this matches what I experience in reality. I feel that with the SEE, we are both doing almost the same valued first function, just as well as each other. So I can watch a movie like ‘Oblivion,’ which I watched last night, with Tom Cruise who has been typed as an SEE, and feel that this movie really resonates with me. +Se is described as valuing insubordination. Instead of wanting to obey a large, powerful group of people or authority figures, you instead use your own eyes, make your own decisions, go after some goal that you yourself value which might possibly be different from the goals and values of the larger organization. Jack Harper’s insubordination is the reason why he was a hero in that movie. A small group of underdogs had to defend themselves against an extremely powerful enemy.

And Scientology is about personal empowerment, although I don’t know a lot about it and would have to read more, and Tom Cruise is a Scientologist.

I don’t usually talk about socionics because in the long run it usually turns out that everything I say is crap, especially if I am writing while manic, and this time is no different.

I want to know more about what distinguishes +Se from -Se, and +Si from -Si. (Note, I changed my mind while writing this, and suspected I might be talking about -Te/+Ti versus +Te/-Ti.)

I was thinking the other day, why does it bother me so much to just ‘accept my nature as a human?’ I don’t like the idea that humans are so weak and helpless and domesticated. We absolutely have to eat only a small number of specific species of plants and animals, and we have to cook them and prepare them all in this special way, otherwise, WE DIE. I was thinking about that because I had some symptoms of a mild parasitic infection after I ate the earthworm, since, apparently, it was undercooked. How could we ever have survived for millions of years as pre-humans, before we had fire to cook with? Everything everywhere is poisonous and full of parasites and deadly bacteria. How come other animals are able to survive with parasitic infections, but we can’t? I am really, really reluctant to just say, ‘It’s in the nature of the human species to be weak and domesticated. We’ve been bred that way, after thousands of years. We’re no longer strong. We’re not wild animals anymore. We can’t survive in the wild without our farmed corn and our cows and our cooked foods.’ It bothers me greatly that you can’t eat even the smallest thing without getting a parasitic infection. It bothers me that the only way to prevent pigs from having parasites is to keep them locked inside a factory farm their entire lives and feed them nothing but corn so that they can’t root around in the mud eating an omnivorous wild diet, which would give them trichinosis.

I was having this argument with myself about this, with the idea of nature versus nurture. Is it really permanently in human nature to be weak and helpless and domesticated now? Or are we weak because of some kind of lifestyle factors that make us weak, but which we can potentially control? That’s why I like the Weston Price diet. Instead of saying that it’s in our nature, in our genes, to have these particular deformities, Weston Price discovered that those deformities are caused by malnutrition (and other researchers later also observed the deformities being caused by chemical poisons such as pesticides, and I think also by fluoridated water), which is something that our parents can potentially have control over before we are born. I don’t like just accepting that I am inherently weak and inferior forever and that it is my fate to be that way, and that my children are genetically doomed to have the same weaknesses that I have, including the tiny narrow mouth and narrow jaw and overlapping teeth that ‘absolutely had to have’ orthodontic braces.

Yes, I do have a few weaknesses that are probably genetic. I think that the ability to metabolize chemicals is genetic. I’m convinced by the explanations that I’ve read. You have a gene that codes for the production of an enzyme, and you can either have multiple copies of that gene, or just one copy of that gene, or maybe even zero copies of that gene. So some people will produce large amounts of the enzyme, and other people will produce little of it, more slowly, or none at all. I can believe that’s probably in my DNA.

I was wondering if this could be -Se versus +Se. -Se might possibly view a group of objects in such a way as to say, ‘It’s in the nature of everything in that group of objects to be a certain way. All dogs are furry and they bark and they run around on four legs. Dogs can’t talk and they can’t grasp tools with their hands.’ (Sigh… I said that everything I wrote about socionics was BS, and right now I’m hearing voices in my head while I’m trying to write, telling me that this is -Te versus +Te. Since I can’t collect and analyze a lot of data or do any experiments, I can’t do anything to clarify it.)

The idea was that some objects within the group have variations from the general pattern of the whole group, and those individual variations matter and are important. They tell you what you have control over. They help you solve individual cases. This happens a lot in medicine, too. There will be some big scientific study that says that X% of people do this. And that’s all it says. It doesn’t tell you what you should do if you happen to be one of the unfortunate X% of people who have that problem. It doesn’t tell you how to reduce the risks of the worst outcomes if it does happen to you.

I had this happen the other day. There was a news article about mice with the hantavirus. I love mice. I think they are absolutely adorable. I have, on rare occasions, had the opportunity to catch them and pick them up in my hand. (Then I read, years later, that somebody suspected chronic fatigue was caused by a mouse virus.) So, I would be a likely person to catch the hantavirus someday. It makes sense that people have a mouse phobia, because the mice have this hantavirus, or they have the plague, or other diseases. However, for some reason, I do not have this phobia at all, not the slightest little bit. I am phobic of spiders and bees. I am not afraid of snakes at all, although I am cautious around them. So I am noticeably lacking snake phobia and mouse phobia. Maybe mouse phobia is a genetic trait that occurs in people whose ancestors lived through the plagues in Europe.

Anyway, I started reading about the symptoms of hantavirus. I always want to know: what is the EXACT CAUSE of death? They say that it can kill X% of people, but they don’t tell you the exact details of how it kills you. You get pneumonia, but that’s still not detailed enough. Do you asphyxiate to death? How and why does the pneumonia kill you? Is there anything you have the power to do to reduce its chances of killing you?

For example, if you ever have a disease that causes you to cough, I have discovered – and it’s commonly known, but viewed as trivial – that if you drink plenty of plain water, not juice, not any other beverages, but plain water, then your body will easily produce enough phlegm so that you can cough productively a few times and get it out. But if you are dehydrated, if you aren’t drinking enough plain water, then you will cough and cough and cough unproductively and endlessly for hours and hours and hours, in a state of unbearable misery. All you have to do to solve this problem, quickly, easily, safely, and cheaply, is drink a bunch of plain clear water until you’re able to cough up phlegm productively. It’s that easy. You’ll notice the results in just a couple of minutes after drinking. This is something that I have learned over all the decades of my life and after reading and being told things by people over the years. I just picked up the information. But this is essential knowledge that everybody needs to have. Instead of just drinking plenty of water, they go out and buy dangerous cough suppressants. And their illness is much worse than it otherwise would have been. They stay indoors with the heat cranked up, with all that dry air, which dehydrates them even faster.

So, is there something like that which you can do to decrease your chance of death from pneumonia if you do catch the hantavirus? That’s what I want to know. Can you eat particular foods, for instance, to reduce the severity of the pneumonia, or increase your resistance to the disease? But the medical websites don’t even mention anything like this. They just tell you, X% of the people will die. Who dies, and who lives, and why? It’s just in their nature. They’re just weak. But why are they weak? What can they do to make themselves stronger? We need to know this. This is absolutely essential information. But the medical websites just completely ignore this information and find it to be so trivial and unimportant that it’s not worth the bother of even mentioning it at all.

And this is a socionic phenomenon, I’m pretty sure. I’ve had it happen again and again. It’s some kind of conflict between the Delta ST and the Beta ST. Their information elements are in conflict. One of them views some piece of information as extremely important and essential, and the other views it as trivial and unimportant. So I’m trying to distinguish what this information is. It’s most noticeable to me when I get annoyed while reading any kind of scientific study where a population of people was studied and they say that X% of people did this, but nothing more is said. Just X% of people do something. No information about what to do about it, what you have control over, what other factors might influence it, no acknowledgment of thousands of independent anecdotes and independent authors and researchers who discovered that the opposite is true, nothing.

It’s strongly associated with the belief in the existence of the so-called ‘Placebo Effect,’ which I believe is an almost 100% nonexistent phenomenon. The placebo effect is an almost completely useless concept, which only matters in rare situations, which almost never influences anything we do in day to day life, and which is an *extremely* harmful concept in the practice of medicine. Belief in the existence of the placebo effect causes doctors to dismiss their patients’ experiences. ‘What? You felt like you were going to pass out and drop dead after you took this drug? You started vomiting uncontrollably? Well, you’re just crazy. It’s all in your mind. It was the Nocebo Effect (the opposite of the placebo effect, where you expect something bad and thereby ’cause it to happen’). None of that was real, and I’m just going to dismiss your anecdote. It’s impossible to know anything at all unless the FDA does a controlled double-blind government sponsored study.’

I don’t want to go into my whole argument about the placebo effect, and I’m not the only person who has complained about it. I’ve written about it many times in the past, and actually, I could write an ENTIRE BOOK explaining all my arguments against the concept of the placebo effect. I’ve occasionally found other authors online who hate the placebo effect as much as I do. Anti-placebo writers will say, for instance, that the placebo effect cannot cure illnesses. I agree, it can’t. That’s part of what defines it as the placebo effect in the first place. But many people who refer to the placebo effect will talk about it as though it has the power to cure almost anything, using nothing but the power of imagination, to cure things for real. They seem to believe that you can give a sugar pill to a dying cancer patient, and that person’s belief in the sugar pill will cure their cancer for real. And they base many of their arguments on this assumption. ‘Oh, it cured you? That was just the placebo effect. It doesn’t REALLY work. You cured yourself with your mind.’ The power of mental beliefs can cure almost anything at all, by magic. If this was true, it would be the greatest discovery in the history of mankind. We could cure ourselves of anything just by taking sugar pills and imagining that we would get better. There would be no need for any expensive drugs with all their horrible side effects. … But I said I wasn’t in the mood to get into it right now.

I’m also rebelling against the belief that it’s impossible to feed seven billion humans unless we chop down all the trees and use some kind of specialized high-tech, high-yield, high-density, genetically engineered corn and wheat crops, or whatever. I was reading about Bill Gates’ organization telling people in Africa that they have to use our modern Western crops, GMO crops, pesticides, etc, instead of using the native African crops and growing them their own way, because of the belief that ‘that doesn’t yield enough to feed all the starving people.’ It’s the belief that we have to keep doing more and more and more and more to pack more calories into the smallest possible acreage, in order to feed all the people in the world. What? You have some new kind of corn crop that produces 100 calories per square inch instead of 80 calories per square inch? Awesome! We absolutely have to have that! It’s this belief that packing everything into the smallest possible space is what we will need in order to feed the world.

So I was reading about potato seeds. I’m interested in ‘heirloom seeds’ and learning about the differences between them and hybrid seeds. I don’t actually care about my plants having any special characteristics. They just have to be edible. I would like them to be able to tolerate the climate that I’m growing them in. So I found out that potatoes are usually not grown from seeds, although they can be. Potatoes are almost always grown from the eyes of the potato itself, those little buds on the outside of the potato. This produces a genetically identical plant. But you can get genetic variation if you use the seeds produced by the potato flowers above the ground. Genetic variation might be desirable, because it would help prevent the potatoes from catching a potato blight, or some other disease, that wipes out the entire potato crop of an entire country. If the potatoes have genetic variation, that could be a good thing.

But while I was thinking about this, I could just hear it in my mind what they would say. ‘You have to produce the very best possible potatoes that you can produce, because your crop has to have the highest possible yield, no matter what the situation. It would be a bad thing if some of your potatoes were smaller than other ones. That would be a waste of space and would reduce the density of calories produced per acre.’ Somehow, I don’t feel that it’s so urgent. I think it’s okay to produce some imperfect potatoes and produce less caloric density per acre, because it is not life-or-death urgent that we pack as many calories as possible into the smallest possible acreage to feed the world. We’d be far better off getting rid of the zoning laws that forbid suburban people to have a cow and chickens in their backyards. That would be the one key thing that would feed most of humanity. Just get rid of lawnmowing and zoning laws. That’s the real cause of the wasted space.

When I was reading about the African situation with Bill Gates trying to give them Monsanto seeds, and about how some people were fighting back and re-teaching Africans how to use their own native seeds and their own native farming techniques, I was wondering about the difference between ‘terminator seeds’ versus ‘hybrid seeds.’ Since I haven’t tried any of this myself, I don’t know what happens. Some people are claiming that the Monsanto seeds are actually ‘terminator seeds.’ This means that you buy the seeds from Monsanto, grow them, let your plants flower and go to seed, collect the seeds for next year, only to find that the seeds are completely and totally dead and totally unable to grow. That’s my understanding of terminator seeds. The seeds are totally not able to grow. They are infertile. The result is that you have absolutely NOTHING next year, and you have to spend all this money to buy new seeds from Monsanto every single year. Whereas if you plant hybrid plants, let them flower and go to seed, collect the seeds and plant them, they *will* grow, they *will* produce something, except that the newborn plants will have unexpected characteristics. How different are they, exactly? Do they produce any fruits (or whatever) at all? It would not be the end of the world if you tried to use the seeds from hybrid plants and then found that the next generation of plants had unexpected characteristics. You might still salvage *something* from them.

I don’t know if ‘terminator seeds’ really exist as I described them above, totally infertile seeds that do absolutely nothing. Yes, it is bad if you are a farmer trying to make a profit, trying to earn enough money to pay the ‘rent’ (taxes) on your land every year, and so you have to have the best crop possible, and the crop has to meet certain criteria in order to be profitable – yes, if you had unexpected results from planting the next generation from …..

OH MY GOD!!! HAHAHAHAHA! I wish I had gotten a video of that!!!! I’ve seen it before, but I forgot that it existed. This whole time while I’ve been writing, there has been this extremely loud motor noise just over the edge of the hill. I kept looking out of my tent to figure out what was going on. I have earplugs in. It sounds like an extremely loud motor or leafblower or lawnmower or something. I looked and looked and looked, but could not see anything at all.

Just now I heard that the sound was changing position, so I looked out the window again to see what it was. It was one of the most terrifying machines imaginable. I’ve seen it before, like I said. It’s so cool, and so horrible, at the same time. You can imagine this thing chasing after you. And yet, it’s this brilliant, ingenious invention. I love it, and yet I want to scream and run away at the same time.

It was a helicopter. The helicopter was hovering over the trees just over the edge of the next hill. When it started to move and fly away, I could see it. There was this long line dangling beneath the helicopter, with all these sort of black circles on the line. Then I realized what they were. They are SPINNING SAW BLADES!!!! It was a chainsaw, a gigantic chainsaw dangling from the helicopter, and the chainsaw was enormous, I don’t know how big, dozens of feet long. The helicopter was hovering and chainsawing some trees, I guess just removing big branches from up high, so that people don’t have to climb the trees and cut the branches that way. This chainsaw was just dangling beneath the helicopter. Imagine if the rope broke and it just fell down to the ground below with all the saw blades still spinning. Imagine if the helicopter came down too low in the wrong place and hit a bunch of things with that chainsaw. It would make a perfect disaster movie scene!

It’s still out there flying around, but it’s on another hill now. I have this desire to watch it while it’s working. I want to be right next to it so that I can see what it’s doing – but at the same time, I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT WANT TO BE ANYWHERE NEAR THAT THING. Someday the government will use those for chasing ‘terrorists’ around.

I feel something similar around bulldozers and other large machinery. I’ve always felt that way. I’ve loved them and feared them. According to legend, the ISTP, or socionic SLI, is the ideal operator of heavy machinery, and I agree. I’ve always been good at operating any kind of equipment.

Well, I was talking about something really dull, wasn’t I? See, if we just got those helicopter sawblades to make a bunch of HOLES IN THE TREE CANOPY, then we’d be able to farm underneath them without actually chopping down the trunks of the trees. Hmm.

I’m actually kind of scared. I’m scared to let down my guard. The helicopter is still out there moving around, and I can hear it changing position. There is no need whatsoever for them to do any maintenance right over my tent. This isn’t a road or a power line or anything else that needs to be kept clear. And yet… I’m kinda nervous that it would happen if I stopped paying attention. Suddenly it would be right over top of me chopping branches down and they would be falling on me. This is one of those funny irrational fears. It is not going to happen. But I’m also kind of hoping to get a photo. You can google it. I’m sure other people have photographed those before. Maybe I could even find the equipment manufacturer online. I’m gonna get me one of those.

As a mind control victim, I know that none of my night dreams are real. I don’t know what a real night dream would be like anymore. I may have possibly had real dreams back when I was a child or a teenager. They are usually just these distorted images, sounds, and sensations based on whatever you are feeling while half asleep, like if your eyes are partway open and you can see objects in the room and you see strange shapes and monsters in the darkness. I think that’s what a real dream is like, from what I remember. But I have all fake dreams now and nothing but fake dreams, scripted dreams that were written by murderers, which contain some kind of disgusting or insulting message in them. My dreams changed during the time when I became aware of mind control. I still had fake dreams as a teenager, but they were less horrible, less insulting, and more often the enjoyable adventure-camaraderie dreams. Now they are absolutely evil.

For instance, I recently had this horrible dream because I was being ‘punished’ for having lost all my money by going to the hotel – as though I had any choice or any control over my actions when I was constantly being attacked and given forced urges to do things. Why punish someone who has no control over something they’re doing? But still, they punish me by giving me horrible nightmares. The dream was about shoes. The dreams are disgusting, horrible, violent, sexual, and insulting. I had recently been walking up a hill while wearing the shoes that I bought for work. They’re nonslip shoes. I’ve discovered I don’t like this particular brand. The best brand is Shoes For Crews (darn it, typo – I kept writing ‘Shoes For Crows’ over and over, and rewriting the same thing every time I tried to fix it!), which is the official brand that McDonald’s gets for its employees. But I’ve been getting my own, ever since the contamination – sometimes that brand, other times the nonslip brand from Wal-Mart, whatever it’s called – I think it begins with a T, but I forget. Tredsafe, that’s it. I don’t like that one as much. They slip a little bit more, and they don’t really work until they’ve been broken in. So for the first few days, you’re slipping. Then they sort of soften up and start to work better. SFC, on the other hand, has the best nonslip material and it works right away.

Anyhow, the shoes I have now are Tredsafe, and I chose to get the ones that are all made of plastic or rubbery stuff or whatever it is. They never really softened up, even though I’ve been wearing them for a while. They don’t really fit my feet either – they are too big. They work best if I have on two pairs of socks, which I did during the winter but am not doing now. If I walk up a hill, they come off the back of my heels. I’ve started walking in a different way to adapt to the shoes. Sometimes I walk on the balls of my feet, on tiptoes, while going up a hill, and I just let the back of my feet hang out of the shoes. It’s tiring to walk up a hill while struggling to keep your heels inside the shoes and your feet flat on the ground, uphill. I have to walk up Mt. Nittany Road every day.

That inspired the dream. In the nightmare, I had somehow actually cut off my own heels with some kind of saw. It was a perfectly cut diagonal line that removed my entire heel. I was trying to put my heels back on. The entire heel of my foot itself was cut off. It was disgusting and traumatic. It was cut through the bone. It was amputated. I was wondering if the cut was clean, or if it had germs in it, which would cause an infection when the tissues tried to re-seal themselves closed. Your body is never the same again if you have surgery, if you get cut open. When it seals itself shut again, it is not the same as it was before. If they cut through the muscle wall of your abdomen, for instance, you will have scar tissue in the muscle, which weakens the muscles permanently. It is not the same as the unified, unbroken muscle that you had before the surgeons cut into you. It might superficially ‘look the same,’ or you might see a superficial scar, but the damage is deep, a major weakness in the material of your muscle, the weak link in the chain. That part of the muscle cannot function exactly the way an unbroken muscle can. Maybe some of this was inspired by ‘Scary Movie 5’ and ‘The Evil Dead,’ which was parodied in Scary Movie, and I saw both of those movies recently. They had scenes with people cutting off parts of their own body to stop the spread of the evil zombie disease.

I had also been thinking about the guy at the Boston Marathon who ‘had to,’ quote unquote, have his legs amputated because of damage done by the bomb. Did they REALLY ‘have to’ be amputated? Did they do it without his consent while he was asleep on painkiller drugs? Did he wake up with his legs amputated? Does a person have to write a living will to tell the hospital, ‘Never amputate anything without my consent while I’m asleep, no matter how bad it is – I’ll be the judge of that.’ Don’t let the doctors judge whether your limbs need to be amputated. The doctors will always say, ‘Yes, amputate it, and take off a whole lot more than is actually necessary.’

(This reminded me of Harry Browne writing about people who want the government to control our lives. He wrote somewhere that if anyone offers to create some new law, there will be people who say, ‘Yes, and make mine a double,’ like asking for an alcoholic drink. I can’t remember all the exact words or the exact context or which book I’m thinking of. It basically meant that, no matter how horrible some idea might seem to you, no matter how unthinkable and undesirable it might be, there will always be some other person out there who enthusiastically embraces it and says, ‘Yes, and then you can take it even farther than that.’ Drones in the sky over our houses? No, they should be INSIDE OUR HOUSES. There shall be a law that requires all home builders and apartment builders to install a remote controlled drone inside every house which will report all of your activities to a government network, and which will kill any Middle-Eastern-looking people inside your house.)

You can choose, and you should be able to tell them ‘no.’ There are a lot of people out there who just don’t understand that they have the option of saying ‘no’ to something that a doctor advises them to do, and they will happily and joyfully cut off as many parts of their bodies as they physically can do without dying, and they *totally believe* that this is a great thing to do. In fact, they’re often proud of it, and they brag about it like they’re a war hero. You don’t need any of your organs or limbs for a reason! I have had conversations with these people.

And then they’re all upset, but I’m like ‘I told you so’ (though I don’t say that out loud, but instead have to quietly sit there suppressing my speech), when, for instance, they suddenly start having constant, nonstop digestive problems or diarrhea or inability to digest fat, after having their gallbladder unnecessarily removed because of gallstones. Gallstones have a cause, and you should troubleshoot the cause of the gallstones instead of chopping out the gallbladder. They’re all like, ‘Woe is me! I suddenly have unexpected, unanticipated problems with my digestion, every single day, after having part of my digestive system permanently removed! The doctors never warned me that I would have digestive problems for the rest of my life after losing my gallbladder! And I had absolutely no reason to expect that chopping off an essential part of my digestive system would have any consequences for my digestion! No way! What a shock!’ I hear people talking about these things and expecting sympathy – not just sympathy, but admiration for their endurance, the ‘war vet’ mentality. They have an attitude almost like I should *admire* them for enduring these chronic, lifelong digestive problems after they chop off their gallbladders, like they’re tougher than the rest of us because of this unnecessary suffering and stupidity. I’ve talked to quite a few people who have this attitude, and I can’t stand it.

So I wondered if this Boston guy was a victim of the ‘chop everything off’ school of medicine. I don’t even know for certain if he had his legs amputated.

In the dream, I felt like that. Something had been amputated, cut through the bone, and yet, I knew the tissues were still alive, and I was trying desperately to put it back together. The ‘joke’ of the dream was ‘cut off heels,’ which was similar to a bizarre type of shoe that Lady Gaga was sometimes wearing, where the shoes forced her feet into a high-heels position, except the shoes were actually heel-less, with nothing under her heels but air. When I walked up the mountain and my heels were dangling above the backs of my shoes, it was a little bit like that. But the reason ‘they’ decided it was okay to ‘punish’ me and give me a graphic, disgusting, traumatic, horrifying nightmare was because of my loss of money. They always punish me when I lose money for any reason. And I said recently that losing large amounts of money, and cutting hair, was traumatic, and was analogous to losing a body part. They woke me up before I knew for sure whether the heel was going to seal itself back together, or whether it would slip apart again. I was still struggling to put the pieces together in exactly the right place.

Still, every once in a while they will give me an exciting adventure nightmare, on rare occasions. I got on this subject of dreams for a reason, because of the helicopter. I used to love those adventure dreams, back when I didn’t know they were fake. It was like living in a movie or a video game.

Sometimes I would dream about escaping from an evil dictatorship. One of the most common themes in these adventure nightmares is some kind of enemy up in the sky, such as helicopters or blimps or airplanes or flying drone robots (like in ‘Oblivion’). They fly above and they can see you and chase you no matter where you go, and it’s extremely hard to escape from them. You’re trying to climb over the wall or something to get into the next country. You’re trying to cross the border to escape. If they see you, they will kill you.

People are understandably afraid of drones. Anything that flies or hovers overhead, surveilling an area, and can watch everything you do and kill you instantly, is scary.

I’m sort of debating what to do next. It’s cold and gray outside. It’s not raining, but it’s unpleasant. I don’t really feel like raking the leaves on a day like this. I need to rake a small path up to the little area where I cleared out the leaves for the tent. Next, I will have to get a tent and fill it with stuff that I need, fresh new things. It would be best if I did this after the weather got warmer, so I would not need to buy so many sleeping bags to put inside each other. I already have two extra bags right now, still wrapped up, but two won’t be enough – I like to sleep extremely hot. They’re not zero-degree sleeping bags from the sporting goods store. They are just normal wimpy sleeping bags from Wal-Mart. That’s why I need so many of them. I then need to clean off whatever things I’m keeping, to the best of my ability, such as wiping off my laptop and its cables. Nothing is severely contaminated anymore. The levels are low. But I have to follow a strict protocol because I want to end this forever, this contamination.

I can’t work outside when it’s the slightest bit cold. I hate that. It slows me down. You’d think that I would hate the idea of going to the Arctic because of that. But I think that this weakness might not be permanent. I think it might be lifestyle related. I think that if I were eating almost nothing but high fat meats and oily fish and whale blubber, then I would be able to work outdoors in the cold the way the Arctic people do. I remember reading about the European explorers going to the north and south poles. They observed that if they ate pemmican that contained only fruits and grains, they would get frostbite quickly. But if they ate high-fat pemmican made with meat, it prevented frostbite. Meat and fat is absolutely essential for cold climates.

I think that if I were eating a mostly meat diet right now, I’d be able to do more work. There was one time when I made this chicken soup with nothing but chicken in it, last year. It had no potatoes or any other starch. I was eating that soup for a couple days and just eating some broccoli along with it, and some frozen blueberries. I wasn’t getting enough starch to compensate for the fat and protein. Your body will start to burn fats and proteins for energy if you do that, and it makes you go into ketosis, and you feel strange and uncomfortable. That happened to me.

But when I was in ketosis during that time, during that experiment with the chicken-only soup, I suddenly had this superpower: I was able to sprint up the first hill of the path up Mt. Nittany. I remember sprinting up that hill and feeling as though I was magically lightweight. There was no pain, no weight, no burden, no panting, no exhaustion. I ran up it like a deer. I had not spent months training or getting in shape. I was in my normal shape. As soon as I went back to eating starches, I suddenly was heavy and exhausted and panting and barely even able to *walk* up that hill, as usual. I’ve just gotten used to feeling that way all the time. I would have been experimenting with this, except that a variety of factors are preventing me from cooking my own food at the moment.

People on the internet are debating about whether it’s healthy to spend a lot of time in ketosis. It’s sort of uncomfortable and it doesn’t really seem normal. They debate about whether it can cause any serious health problems to do that. I don’t have enough knowledge or experience with it to know, so I can’t say. People want to get into ketosis because it helps them lose weight, which is the reason why anybody is interested in it.

I don’t feel like I’m going to go out and do any leaf raking today. I hate losing another day. I hate being unproductive. I could just walk away from all this if I had someplace that I was intending to go or some reason to hurry, but there is no reason to do anything any faster. I don’t know if I’m going to go down the mountain now, or if I’m going to take a nap instead. The spinning sawblades helicopter seems to be gone. It’s quiet. I will lie down for a nap and see how I feel. I hate being unproductive. I hate chronic fatigue. I hate depression and hopelessness. I hate cold rainy weather. Everything is easier for me when it’s hot outside, and it will be hot again very soon. I’ve been working, for real, on the hot sunny days that we’ve had so far. I really am able to do it.

Hiked Mt. Nittany today – I will be tired tomorrow.

April 29, 2013

11:06 PM 4/28/2013

This morning it was warm enough outside that I was able to get up before noon and do some preparation for my decontamination. I needed to move to a place where the soil wasn’t contaminated, so I have been choosing a place, for the last couple days. I need someplace relatively flat, without any dead trees that might fall on me. Today I raked the leaves around the area. It was tiring. My arms and elbows got sore after a while.

After I had done that, I spontaneously decided that I felt like hiking up Mt. Nittany. Now that I am riding a bike, I never go walking for fun anymore. When I was driving a car, I would go to the parks, or go to Mt. Nittany, and go walking for fun. Nowadays, I have to save all my energy just to ride the bike around and push it back up the hill. But I felt like hiking today. I had used caffeine pills again after being off them for a while when I ran out of them, and that was probably why I had more energy.

I went out without a backpack, without my phone, without even a bottle of water. I don’t need an entire backpack for a walk on Mt. Nittany, it’s just that I no longer have the little hip belt thing that I used to put water bottles in. Now that it’s warm, I don’t get starving hungry when I walk around the mountain, but I did when I went up there while the weather was still freezing cold. I would carry food in my backpack.

I was wearing little cheap slippers that I got at Wal-Mart the other day. I wanted to try them. They are very light. They aren’t slippery on the bottom. They have rubber grippy soles. The top of the slipper is made of soft furry material, sort of like those fleece blankets. It has an elastic band holding it on. They are extremely comfortable. However, I found out that when you try to run up the hill with them on, the heels come off the back of your feet. It’s okay if you just walk, but you can’t run. They don’t go high enough up around your ankles to stay on. If I weren’t doing a decon, then I would modify them, or just make my own shoes, and make them how I wanted them to be. But all of my belongings are potentially garbage right now, so I cannot make things or fix things. They were very comfortable on the walk, but my feet did get a little bit sore, not much, on the bottom, because you can feel the rocks through the bottoms.

This is one of those manic projects, but I have been wanting to do a garden under the forest canopy using shade-tolerant plants. I saw grass growing under the forest canopy today. It was already flowering, little short stems with grass flowers on them. The grass was very short, like grass that has been mowed, even though it has never been mowed. I don’t know what type of grass it was.

If I were ready to hunt deer (I’m not), then growing a garden would be a perfect way to trap them. Last time I tried to grow a garden, when I lived at the duckpond, the wild animals, the deer and groundhogs and whatever else, immediately ate everything I planted, including the ‘inedible’ parts of the plants, such as the entire stalks of the bean plants. I thought about this and imagined that the garden itself would be less important than its use as a bait for deer.

I walked all around the perimeter of the Mt. Nittany trail, and found that it seemed smaller than I remembered. It was also completely devoid of life, the ‘deserted wasteland’ that I keep noticing every time I go into the forest. There is no life anywhere, not a single thing moving. There are some insects, and an occasional bird – but hardly any birds, just one or two – and one or two chipmunks. There weren’t any squirrels today. Everything everywhere is hidden somewhere. I found deer droppings, but saw no deer. I want to know where the deer sleep during the day. You would think that the forest would be full of life, but it is completely empty. This bothers me.

Julian Simon noted that animals tend to cluster around where humans live. This is true. The most wild animals you will ever see are right around human houses and fields. Humans chop down the trees and then grow crops in the fields, and all the deer and groundhogs and birds cluster around there, where they can easily find food and large amounts of grass. He argued that, actually, humans were beneficial for wildlife in that respect.

This is not entirely true – the large grazing herbivores are totally destroyed when humans put fences up everywhere which prevent them from migrating. I want the herbivores to be free to move around, not kept in a barn and fed hay all winter, because the hay is less nourishing than what the herbivores choose themselves when they move around. They prefer the plants that grow from the most fertile fields – they can taste the difference. I don’t know how cows would migrate if left alone. I wonder about buffalo, how far north and south they migrated, in the Great Plains, before people totally destroyed their territory with fenced-in farmers’ fields.

I want to know about crops that can be grown under the forest canopy, so that we can grow food without cutting down trees. I want to regrow the forests and let the wild animals roam so that we can hunt them. I want it to be possible to live without property ownership.

I did see some bees starting to wake up, now that it’s warmer outside. I call them bees, but actually a lot of them are wasps. It’s just hard to say the word ‘wasps’ because it has too many P’s and S’s together. Waspspspspspsps. So I like to say ‘bees.’ I was scared of the bees, but then forced myself to keep walking anyway, during the time when I was walking around in the pathless woods today. I’m not allergic to bee stings, so I’m not going to die if I get stung. It’s just terrifying and painful, but not deadly.

I was sort of hoping, and fearing, that I might see a bear today, but I didn’t. I don’t know when they come out of hibernation, but I haven’t seen any signs of them yet. I always worry: will this be the year that they go extinct? Bears seem to be so few. How on earth do they even live around here? There seems to be no room for them. And yet, they still occasionally appear. They can be hunted, so I expect that several more of them are dead now, after hunting season – will there be any more left? How long until new ones wander through the woods and find this area? I’m scared of them, but I don’t want them all to die. They’re sort of fascinating while also being scary.

Some of the horrible feeling came back tonight. It had gotten somewhat better over the last few days, even though I didn’t make any changes to anything. I think it is something on my clothing. I don’t know. I’m not doing anything about it, since I am about to do a decon anyway, and will be getting some different clothes.

‘They’ started suggesting to me that my McDonald’s store was going to be shut down, but never reopened. ‘They’ suggested it was being shut down permanently, and that the upper level managers have all been lying to us this whole time, until the last minute, the very day when the store closes, at which point they will suddenly tell us the truth. I would not be prepared for that – I would want to say goodbye to everyone at least, if we were going to be permanently separated. We’re going to be temporarily sent to other stores, but we have been assuming that it’s only for a little while and we will all come back to this store when it’s rebuilt. Maybe they could be lying about it. I’ve heard of that happening before. There have been other businesses where they suddenly laid people off without warning. We wouldn’t get laid off, just transferred permanently to other places, but it would be harder to get hours there.

I will feel less stressed when I find out what’s happening to our store.

At least I got some of my decon preparation done today. I raked some leaves. I want the area cleared all around my tent. That reduces the number of insects that get on and in the tent. They don’t like being exposed. They tend to crawl around under leaves and sticks a lot.

The exposed soil has a fresh, wonderful smell. I’m thinking of shade tolerant plants again. It just disturbs me so much to think that we ‘have to’ chop down all the forests all over the world in order to plant crops, that there is no other alternative to that. I really want to find a way to grow food under the canopy. And also it disturbs me that there is ‘no alternative’ except for people to ‘own’ the land and put fences around everything and pay taxes on it and constantly have to sell things for money so that you can pay the government to give you permission to live there. You can’t live a subsistence lifestyle when you have to use money to pay ‘rent’ to the government.

I really am sick tonight. It’s been raining all day, and I was out in it. In the past, I was taught that rain really doesn’t cause illness, but I’ve observed it happening often enough that I decided the old wives’ tales, the old folk belief, was true, that you get sick from going out in the rain. Bacteria and viruses are created from scratch up in the clouds, in the electrical fields, I think.

I was also thinking the other night, or ‘they’ suggested to me, that viruses and plagues and diseases, and maybe even parasites, were created anew inside the bodies of animals themselves, that they were some kind of byproduct of our bodies, that they didn’t originate from somewhere outside.

New life is being created every day from scratch. It didn’t just happen once, by some miracle, millions of years ago. It has been happening the same way continuously all this time. However, most of the new life is the same as the old life. The properties of the molecules that are joining together will affect the outcome, and it’s always the same few types of molecules, and so they will always reinvent yet another cold virus or Norovirus anew, for the hundred billionth time. So some dust molecules up in the clouds, or some salt molecules in the ocean, are getting struck by lightning again, the same way they did the very first time, and creating some new self-replicating molecule clusters that form into specific shapes, which tend to recur.

This is all my theory. I did actually find an article not too long ago about how clouds are filled with bacteria, though.

It would help if I did the laundry, I think. I think I have pesticides on my clothing now after sitting in the break room at work, and I think those pesticides might be the reason why I have been in such a horrible mood. If I can, then, tomorrow or Tuesday I will try to do the laundry and see if it makes me feel better. There are several different things contributing to my feeling physically/mentally sick at the moment. It’s just hard to fix all of them at once. I can only try to fix one or two small things at a time. I’m feeling sick at my stomach today, in addition to the general sickness that I’ve had off and on for the past week or two.

I did cut my hair a decade ago

April 28, 2013

7:32 PM 4/27/2013

I forgot to mention, but remembered later, that I’ve also been experimenting with eating cereal grains recently. I don’t usually eat a lot of grains, but have been trying a couple types of breakfast cereals to see if I notice anything. Grains can cause symptoms of schizophrenia in some people, along with other physical and mental health problems.

Also, when I said ‘this happens once in a decade,’ ‘they’ reminded me that yes, this is a literal statement, not an exaggeration. A decade ago, in 2003, I cut off a small lock of my hair and mailed it in a letter to the guy at work who I had a crush on at the time, during one of my severe unexplained crazy attacks. I wrote him a bunch of letters that scared him enough that he decided to call the police, and they put me into a mental hospital for a week, because I had mentioned the s-word: suicide. Don’t ever even mention that word, ever, for any reason at all, in any circumstances. Just don’t.

I had written something like, ‘I’m having strange symptoms and some suicidal feelings, and I think someone is putting drugs into my drinking water. I feel like I’m still taking Prozac even though I’m not taking it anymore.’ That was the first time I had that experience of symptoms that continued after quitting a drug. I would get these unexpected, unexplained attacks of Prozac symptoms which occurred weeks or months after quitting. I’ve decided that these were probably caused by residues on the surfaces of objects, but I didn’t know that back then, and so I misinterpreted it and believed somebody had to be breaking into my house and poisoning my bottled water. I had no other explanation, yet I desperately needed an explanation because I had to make it stop.

2003 was the year when I discovered that electronic mind control is actually real. It was a total paradigm shift in my way of thinking. Originally, I was blaming myself for my problems. I thought that I should be able to control all the things that were wrong with me, and I thought that some kind of verbal ‘talk therapy’ was the best way to do it. I was still reading a lot of Nathaniel Branden books back then. Those books are indeed very valuable, but they could not solve my particular problems, which were mostly health problems.

And I had voices and other personalities that I was talking to inside my head, back then, but I believed that they were just ‘parts of myself,’ and that if only I negotiated with them I could somehow fix things. But they were continuously, persistently evil and malicious, and they constantly sabotaged me, and said horrible things and nonsense, and they interfered with my life.

When I learned about electronic mind control, when I accepted that it was real and that it was being done to me, it was actually a huge relief, a gigantic breakthrough in my attempts to understand what was happening to me. It made so much more sense than any other explanation. I realized that I was not evil, that I was not sabotaging myself, that I was not stupid, that I was being attacked by something external, and that it was NOT MY FAULT.

I still could not solve the problem, but after that, I became able to distinguish between things that I had control over, versus things that resulted from the attacks. I did not blame every single symptom on the attacks, but instead was constantly trying to interpret which was which. And I believe that I have been very successful in doing so. Many other victims don’t distinguish between phenomena that are caused by attacks, versus phenomena that have ‘normal,’ mundane, everyday causes, which they could have control over and fix on their own.

So I cut my hair ten years ago.

9:36 PM 4/28/2013

I just went and saw ‘Oblivion.’ It was really good.

An extremely severe and long-lasting bad mood, and an unfortunate haircutting incident (don’t worry, it was a tiny piece – I don’t have a photo yet).

April 27, 2013

12:46 PM 4/27/2013

I have been in a very bad mood for several days now. It seems to be getting better. I was worried about it enough that I started seeking an explanation for what might be causing it. I’m in such a strange mood that I am even reluctant to write, even though I am drinking Starbucks coffee right now, and usually when I drink coffee I cannot stop myself from writing hundred-page essays. Normally if I have an unexplained bad mood for only a day or two, I don’t worry about it and I just wait till it goes away, but this mood wasn’t going away.

So I thought of a couple hypothetical causes.

*bike handlebar contamination – I washed them off a few weeks ago and took off the tape I had covering them, but some residue is still there, and I will have to wash them again several times before I sell the bike. However, this doesn’t really explain the bad mood. This mood was much worse than the usual mania caused by my drug residues. It had some unusual symptoms that are not normal for my manias.

*parasites – I ate the earthworm as an experiment. Earthworms are an ideal way to get into the practice of insect eating, in this part of the world. They are extremely common, available everywhere, and easy to catch. You could collect hundreds of them. However, I did have a few mild parasitic infection symptoms recently, such as small pains in my muscles, in just one tiny place. This means that a parasite is encysted in your muscle, where it will sit and wait until you eventually get eaten by a predator. (Hopefully, this will not happen to me.)

I was reading not too long ago that some cultures prepare pork by marinating it in some kind of acid. I suspect that this triggers the parasites to wake up and leave, because that’s what happens in the stomach when you eat them and they are exposed to the stomach acid. The food would then be safer to eat, if the acid awakened the parasites and caused them to migrate out of the meat. So, earthworms should be marinated in a strong acid before you eat them, and then you should dispose of the marinade. Anyway, if I did have a parasitic infection, it could have caused me to become crazy and be in a bad mood. Parasites affect the nervous system and they cause symptoms of mental illness. One of the principles of the Weston Price diet is that special procedures are required to make foods safe, edible, and digestible, for instance, soaking and sprouting grains. That was where I read an article about people marinating pork in acids, and I don’t recall which acids they used, maybe vinegar, maybe lemon juice, I don’t know. I’d like to find out about alternative acids that could be used effectively.

*the solar eruption, or whatever it’s called – There was a solar flare recently that caused large auroras to be visible much farther south than usual. They warned that it might interfere with radio broadcasts. If it’s able to interfere with the radio, maybe it interferes with human bodies too. I don’t know. They could influence moods.

*secondhand drugs from someone at work – There are two people who I suspect might have given me secondhand drug residues. I can get the drug residues on me from sitting at the same table as someone who uses prescription psychiatric drugs. The drugs come out in their sweat or skin oils and get onto surfaces. (It’s a long story as to how I observed this phenomenon. This phenomenon is almost totally unknown to everybody, and I have never seen anybody else on the internet ever talking about this.) I can also inhale vapors from being near someone who uses drugs. They might be exhaling the drugs into the air, or it might be evaporating from their sweat. I don’t know exactly how it happens, and I don’t have the millions of dollars I would need to do a bunch of scientific experiments to find out exactly how it works. I can only observe it happening and trust my observations.

There were several new people visiting our store recently, people who aren’t usually there, because the store will soon be closing, and for other reasons. One of them might have left drug residues on a table where I frequently sit to eat lunch – I saw that person sitting there. The other one, I did not touch (except once when I walked into him by accident when I wasn’t looking, but I had the symptoms before that happened), and I don’t know if he sat down anywhere that I sit, but I was ‘smelling’ the drugs when I was near this person, and having symptoms similar to things that I experienced with someone else several years ago, such as extremely intensified emotions and physical reactions, and an intense ‘psychic’ connection with that person, who showed no signs of any outward emotions, no facial expressions or postures, but who somehow conveyed strong reactions to me anyway.

(Socionics tangent: He was also the same socionic type that I am, I’m pretty sure, a SLI. He had exactly the same voice as another SLI who I had a crush on years ago. (That’s not the only evidence I used to guess his type. I guessed it from his behavior, from all the people he reminded me of, and from how we made each other feel – we both instantly got along well and understood each other.) If I had closed my eyes and listened to his voice, I almost would have thought it was the same person. I have noticed that SLI types have a very recognizable vocal tone which I am able to hear, which varies between men and women. Not all of them have this voice. It’s like the ‘twin series,’ where a particular ‘race’ or ‘breed’ or ‘family line’ of socionic twins all have something in common. I once heard two females who both seemed to be SLI, chatting with each other, and both of them had my own voice, which was amusing. It was slightly distorted, one of them slightly deeper than mine, and the other slightly higher than mine, but exactly the same timbre. It’s exactly like they’ve described on the socionics VI pages, where you figure out a ‘key’ that helps you recognize all the other people in the group – ‘Oh, that person sounds/looks exactly like so-and-so,’ which helps you recognize their type more quickly. If you can only ‘solve’ one of the people, then everyone afterwards is suddenly easier to recognize.)

Anyway, about the ‘psychic connection’ feeling. When this happens, it could either be caused by some kind of vapor coming out of their body or their skin, or, alternatively, it could be a large electromagnetic field around that person, which is intensified by drug use. Again, I don’t have the scientific equipment needed to do a test and find out how it works. There might be reason to believe that antidepressants change the body’s electromagnetic field, since they affect the nervous system. When this is happening, I can look at someone, and not even really see their facial expression, and maybe I see something in their body posture – I don’t know what I see or feel, but I can instantly empathize with them. I can sometimes see it even if they have their back turned to me. I see something in the shape of their shoulders, or something.

This person had a constant smirk on his face while talking to me, and a constant smirk is an almost 100% sure sign of antidepressant use (or other drugs). People using drugs will smirk, smile, or grin almost constantly (the ‘permagrin’), and laugh loudly and easily at many things. Their constant smiles often prompt other people to smile and laugh along with them and to feel friendlier towards them. They are more approachable, less intimidating, and less formidable than people who aren’t using drugs. This happens with marijuana use, too, which can cause people to get along well with each other when they normally wouldn’t get along, which is why marijuana is associated with ‘world peace’ and ‘let’s all just get along.’

I’m not in favor of drug use, and I would rather sacrifice this particular benefit of using drugs, because I believe we are better off without them for many reasons, but still, it is true that these drugs can help people socialize and get along. However, when I was on drugs, I felt that the socializing was shallow and unsatisfying, because it was lacking in negative emotions. You need to experience the entire emotional range in all its subtlety to be able to truly empathize and bond with people. You have to feel the pain and suffering along with the joy and friendliness and humor. I was able to feel and express negative emotions, but somehow, they seemed to be fake or forced – I’m not sure how to explain it – somehow, the wrong intensity, the wrong level of depth – they did not penetrate in the way that they should.

Another coworker was also showing signs of an unusually bad mood during the same time period that I was. He was unexplainably irritable, angry, and almost hateful a couple of times – not towards me, but about several other situations that were going on. Anger and hate were some of the strange symptoms of my mood. I had this undercurrent of easily sparked rage that was triggered by small things.

I’m trying to remember some of the things that happened, and I’m not sure if this was it, but this was one of the small things. I am always annoyed by incompetence at the workplace, but normally I try as hard as I can to ignore it. This time, I couldn’t ignore it, and was enraged by it. Once, at work, I was extremely annoyed because people were brewing the tea a certain way, which I believe is stupid, counterproductive, and unnecessary. People have been taught that they have to mix the bag of sugar with a pot of hot water first before brewing the tea, and dump this sugar water in, to make sure that the sugar gets mixed and doesn’t just sit at the bottom of the tea bucket. This is unnecessary. All you have to do is pour the sugar in shortly after the tea starts brewing, and mix it with the eggbeater thing (I forget what it’s called). You don’t need the hot water. If you add the water, it causes the tea bucket to be fuller than it should be, which means there is tea left over after you dump the tea into the tea dispenser, and the tea is too thin and watery. Also, people have too much faith in this sugar water method being magically effective, and so, they are more likely to dump the sugar water in, and just leave it sitting, having faith that it will mix itself because it’s already dissolved in hot water. But that will actually still cause a bunch of sugar to be stuck at the bottom of the bucket, even though it was mixed with hot water first. The method simply doesn’t work. All that’s required to prevent sugar from sitting in the bottom of the bucket is for someone to spend a minute mixing it with the eggbeater thing while the tea is pouring in. You don’t need the ‘magic’ technique of mixing the sugar with hot water, which requires you to take the extra trouble of going and spending several minutes filling up a pot with hot water, which, for various reasons, is not easy to do, since our coffee brewers’ hot water dispensers don’t work properly.

For some reason, when I saw people doing it the ‘unnecessary’ way, I became instantly enraged by everyone’s stupidity, and I had to say to myself over and over again, ‘…start your own business, start your own business, start your own business,’ to remind myself that I wanted to start my own business in the future, so that I would have more control over how things were done, and I would be the boss and I could tell other people to do what I wanted them to do, instead of watching helplessly while people did things the stupid way. I am normally quietly annoyed when I see the sugar-water technique being used to make the tea, but it usually doesn’t trigger such intense rage and frustration like it did recently.

During this bad mood, I noticed things like people not knowing how to load the toilet paper properly so that you can pull it out easily, at stores where I went shopping. There is a certain type of toilet paper holder where, if you load it the wrong way, you can’t pull the toilet paper out, and you just keep ripping off little fragments of toilet paper while the roll sticks and won’t turn. There are usually clearly written instructions for how to load it properly, on the inside of the holder, but people are so incompetent that they can’t follow those written instructions, or don’t care, or don’t think that it matters. I noticed things like this much more than usual. I always notice those things, but I am helpless to change them, and so I force myself to not feel anything and ignore them. I couldn’t ignore them now.

*pesticides – Not too long ago, they sprayed a bunch of bug spray in the break room at work because we had millions of fruit flies. I became severely fatigued after going in the break room, and didn’t feel better until I had washed myself off. The bug spray must have landed on the table where we sit to eat. That pesticide is still there, but it has probably been reduced a bit, since people have been sitting there and spreading it around. Other coworkers were also in strange, bad moods on this day, when we could all smell the bug spray upstairs. One manager had this irrational anxiety, and was frozen in indecision, which caused problems for everyone. I could still be reacting to this pesticide, since I’m still going to work and still sitting in the break room, so it could partly explain my mood.

But even so, this mood seemed even worse than just sickness caused by pesticide. It really resembled the symptoms of antidepressant use. The parasite theory might also be true, since I don’t get parasites very often so I’m not as familiar with what symptoms they cause or how severe the symptoms are, so it could account for this.

*drug residues at the YMCA shower – The worst of the mood began after I took a shower at the YMCA. I know from experience that drug residues collect on the floor of the shower and get on your feet. If other people at the YMCA were using drugs (inevitably, someone is, because drug use is so common and ubiquitous), their sweat and oils might have left residues there.

*tobacco residue from the guy who I’m sort of seeing, and sort of trying to avoid – I encountered him shortly before this bad mood began. He uses tobacco, and he has more direct physical contact with the tobacco than the average smoker does, because he actually rolls his own cigarettes, and touches the tobacco with his fingers. He has it all over him, and I react to it immediately when I’m touching him. But this bad mood was worse than my usual reactions to tobacco or withdrawal from tobacco. And I never got into a mood this bad on the previous times I’ve been with this guy. Still, I did have similar horrible moods from another person in the past who used chewing tobacco, where you also touch it with your hands directly, and I remember having intense anger from that person’s residues. I don’t know why my reaction would have been worse than usual this time, or why it seemed to linger so long.

The bad mood was severe enough, and prolonged enough, that I decided I would have to find an explanation so that I could fix it. So I made this list.

The bad mood was severe enough that it caused me to do something which was so strange, so worrisome, and so unusual, that it set off my alarm bells and made me realize I had to do something to fix the problem. I cut off a piece of my hair. Haircutting is something which I absolutely never do. It might happen once in a decade. It is an extremely rare event. Why did this happen? I will explain.

I took the shower at the YMCA before it happened. In the beginning, when I started growing my dreadlocks, I stopped using shampoo. I only washed my hair with water. However, this started causing problems. I had tobacco smoke in my hair, and the water wasn’t enough to wash it out, so I would have a tobacco reaction every time my hair got wet, and it would last a long time, since my hair takes forever to dry now.

So I started using shampoo not too long ago, to get rid of the tobacco. It worked, and now I no longer have tobacco reactions every time my hair gets wet.

However, it caused some changes in my dreadlocks. It made the hair get more dry, rough, and brittle. It made the small locks start sticking together and becoming bigger joined locks, almost one huge monolock. They call these locks ‘congo’ locks. (I don’t use the same terminology as the dreadlocks community – I don’t like to call them ‘dreads’ or ‘congoes,’ and I don’t use other terminology that they use – it’s just not right for me, not my style.) I started having problems with the locks becoming tighter and tighter near the scalp, and pulling on the roots of the hair. That never happened when I wasn’t using shampoo. It was definitely the shampoo that caused them to become so tight and start to pull. Now, the locks are so tight against my head that I actually cannot penetrate underneath them with my finger, to scratch an itch. I have to find a way to get under them by going through certain areas where the hair is thinner.

It’s really bad if dreadlock roots pull too tightly. It causes traction alopecia, permanent baldness caused by pulling or yanking on the roots of the hair. The same thing happens when you pluck your eyebrows. The hair never grows back properly, and when it does grow back, it will only grow a few inches before it dies and falls out again. So you may have short, fine hairs covering the area, but never the long, strong hair that it was in the past.

Most of the hair on my head isn’t pulling hard enough to cause balding. But there were a few places in the front where I actually felt pain, especially while wearing my hat at McDonald’s. It was right above my forehead. I already have some mild traction alopecia there from years ago. I’m not sure what I did to cause it. I might have done it by wearing tight ponytails. The upper right side of my head, just above the forehead, has a big thin area already. A place that is already somewhat balding is even more vulnerable to further damage. It doesn’t have any long, strong hairs to support the weight of the dreadlocks. The more it goes bald, the more it goes bald. It’s a vicious circle.

After this recent shower at the Y, the locks were pulling even tighter than usual, and I felt the pain and heaviness pulling on the roots in the balding area above my forehead.

I was also being encouraged by ‘the voices’ at the time. So, they partly influenced my decision to do this. I decided that I had to cut the lock off at the roots to relieve the pulling in that one small place. I decided that this was better than allowing it to cause traction alopecia, which would be permanent. A cut would be temporary.

I knew that I could comb out the lock, because I had already partially combed out that one and was considering combing it out the rest of the way. However, for some reason, I wasn’t thinking of that at the time. For some reason, I didn’t have faith that I would be willing and able to go comb out the rest of it and fix the pulling problem. Maybe it seemed like it was urgent and had to be done immediately. I had noticed a couple times in the past that if I went only one day with my hair pulling too tightly, the pain on the scalp would linger even after I took out the ponytail, took off my hat, and went to bed, which made me think that permanent damage had been done. So even a few hours of tight pulling can cause permanent damage. You have to stop it immediately. I think that was my rationale for cutting off the piece.

But ‘they’ were also encouraging me to cut it. There is a symbolism associated with haircutting, for me. Not everyone views it this way. This is my personal symbolism. Hair growth is associated with long-term commitments, and it is similar to financial investment. You invest in something for decades. It’s a lifetime commitment. It’s like buying gold and silver. Hair growth is very meaningful to me. Hair cutting is also meaningful. Hair cutting is viewed as severe damage to the body. It’s not trivial at all. It’s extremely serious. It’s almost as serious as chopping off a finger or some other limb, except it doesn’t cause the risk of death the way that would. It doesn’t hurt, and you won’t bleed to death, but nevertheless, haircutting is like a severe physical injury to me. It causes severe emotional trauma. When you look at yourself the next day, when you touch your hair, when you feel that it’s been changed and you can’t do anything to get it back, you feel traumatized. ‘Normal’ people feel this way when they accidentally get a bad haircut and cut off more than they intended, or when they get a bad perm, or a bad dye job, and their hair is ruined. It used to happen to me back when I was still cutting, perming, and styling my hair like everyone else. It’s like getting drunk and waking up with a new tattoo and saying, ‘Oh my god, what have I done?’ (I’m remembering that song – ‘I woke up with a strange tattoo – not sure how I got it, not a dollar in my pocket, and it kinda looks just like you…’)

The recent events at Cyprus, the bank closure and the seizing of people’s money, upset me a lot, and I identified with them. They’ve been calling some of these bank seizures ‘haircuts.’ (I want another word for ‘seizure,’ but I can’t remember the word. It’s similar to being ‘nationalized,’ like the way that the D’Anconia copper mines got nationalized in Atlas Shrugged. I am so frustrated at being unable to remember the synonym that I want. ‘Bank seizure’ sounds like the bank is having a convulsion.) So my own haircut is analogous to the loss of my money in the past couple months, when I spent hundreds of dollars staying in the hotel. And it symbolizes my sympathy with the victims of the Cyprus bank incident. They lost their life savings. Not every single wealthy depositor was an evil money launderer. They didn’t distinguish between ‘evil criminal Russian money launderers’ and ‘old people losing most of their life savings and having nothing to live on.’ Not only that, but I don’t approve of that particular method of solving the problem of ‘evil criminal Russian money launderers.’ The situation is complex, and just taking the money isn’t the solution. Imagine how it would feel if you were an innocent, but wealthy, person, who lost hundreds of thousands of dollars because the government just TOOK it out of your bank account. You would feel like someone had chopped your leg off. You would feel like a huge part of yourself had suddenly been destroyed. That money represents decades of hard, exhausting work – ALL FOR NOTHING. This is not a trivial injury. This is an extremely severe injury.

And it’s NOT the same as losing money to inflation. It’s true, people’s retirement money becomes less able to buy things as inflation goes up and destroys the power of the dollar over time. A hundred thousand dollars can’t buy as much as it used to. However, when that happens, people have plenty of warning, plenty of advance knowledge that it’s happening, and if they want to, they can decide to change their way of investing over time, gradually putting the money into something that won’t be destroyed by inflation, such as precious metals. When the money is suddenly taken away from you all at once and not given back, you don’t have time to think about it or plan for it or make adjustments in how you invest your money. You have no control at all. The bank seizures are worse than gradually losing purchasing power to inflation.

My tax refund seemed to be taking a long time, and I was worried that maybe they were withholding my refund because I filed my taxes late last year, so maybe I was being fined. However, I did just get my refund of $900 today, so it’s okay. I now have some money again, although not as much as I had after I sold my coins.

Anyway, I used a tiny pair of scissors that were in my sewing repair kit, one of those tiny little kits in a red plastic box, with the little rolls of thread and a little red sponge that you stick the needles into. That kit is made exactly the same way it was made when I was a little kid. My mom used to have one, and she gave it to me, when I was a child and I wanted to learn to sew by hand. The kit looks exactly the same nowadays as it did back then, decades ago – nothing has changed at all. It’s the same red plastic box, the same little rolls of thread on a hollow cardboard roll, the same little tiny scissors, the same little metal needle threader. I wonder why this hasn’t been changed? Everything else changes, and gets ruined, over time, as the entire world economy is destroyed. It is actually true that they don’t make things like they used to. That’s not just something a grumpy old person says because they’re grumpy. It’s real. Everything else is changed for the worst by corporations who want their products to be ‘trendy.’

I notice this with the new restaurant equipment at McDonald’s – it’s horrible. The Prince Castle Corporation changed the design of the Universal Holding Cabinets where we put the trays of meat, and the buttons are so hard to push that you have to practically break the bones in your finger to make sure the button detects that you pushed it, and you can’t see the little flashing lights now when the meat expires, and it requires a complicated series of procedures to change the settings from ‘breakfast’ to ‘lunch,’ and it’s harder to figure out which tray you’re supposed to be taking the meat from because all of the trays are lit up simultaneously, and the part that’s ‘different’ on the ‘right’ tray is not very noticeable.

There was no reason to change the design, although they could have changed the buttons a little bit to prevent them from doing what the old buttons did. The old buttons gradually punched through the overlay on top of the buttons, so that the button itself was poking through and you touched it directly. But they didn’t have to go to such an extreme in fixing this problem. The ergonomics engineers ought to have known that it requires X pounds per square inch of pressure to push a button without causing pain to the fingers. (Every time I think about this, I imagine trying to explain this to someone from that corporation, and I imagine them making fun of me for complaining about how painful and hard to push it is – ‘Oh, it hurts my widdle finger,’ they say in a mocking tone.)

And they should have known that a flashing light must flash X number of times per second in order to be visible, instead of flashing on and off extremely slowly so that you just can’t see it because it spends most of its time in the ‘off’ state, where it looks exactly like all the other non-lit spaces. These things are common sense, and everybody who uses the cabinet complains about them, not just me. You have to stand there staring at the cabinet for, like, thirty seconds, to figure out which slot is beeping and flashing, because the flashing on-off light flashes so slowly, so few times per second, and it’s usually off and dark, looking just like all the other unlit spaces, and you have to visually scan over and over and over the whole space, and the light isn’t very bright either, so there’s very little contrast and it doesn’t catch your attention on the rare moments when it’s actually in the ‘lit up’ state.

The cabinet has some kind of fancy-schmancy new high-tech internet connection ability, or something. I don’t know exactly what it does. It has some kind of computer which you can set by plugging it in to another computer, or something. I don’t think we have ever used this feature. ‘Look at our amazing new high-tech cabinets!’ I can imagine them saying. ‘You can do this, this, this, and this! You can program it and change the settings from your office a hundred miles away over the internet!’ (Is it really that important? In what situation would somebody ever desperately need to do that? Are the faraway corporate CEOs really worried about changing the settings on our cabinets?) I’ve known people like this before. They talk all about the new advanced computerized high-tech features, while failing to notice that all of the commonsense things were totally ruined and are extremely inconvenient or ineffective to use, and the equipment’s original purpose is not being achieved as well as before. All the new complicated high-tech features are actually unimportant and might be used once in a century, while the things that ordinary people have to use every day have been ruined.

Wow, my netbook battery’s gonna run out in a little while. I’m not plugged in.

Anyway…

So I’ve been in a horrible mood. And I cut a piece of my hair above the forehead. The next night after cutting it, I went to the hotel and spent a few hours combing out the nearest dreadlock all the way up to the root, so that I could untangle the part that was pulling too tightly. I finished it, and now I have a much thinner thread of hair, which I have braided into a teeny tiny braid. And I have a little ‘hole’ of baldness where I cut off the lock at the root, which is an inch or two across, not huge, but yet, still visible. I am wearing a headband over it. I sometimes wore headbands anyway to keep my hair out of my face, so it’s not too bad, but still. The hair is short and bristled right there now. It reminds me of Britney Spears cutting off all her hair during her drug overdose incident.

Anyway the root is no longer pulling tightly in that place, so I am not going to get permanent traction alopecia from it. I temporarily have solved the problem. The only solution, to prevent this from happening again, is to stop using shampoo again, which means I have to finish my decon and avoid any situations where I would get tobacco all over me or smoke in my hair. This will be extremely difficult to do. If I want to continue living without shampoo, I will have to avoid anything that will recontaminate my hair.

And I can’t say no to the guy who I’ve been encountering when I go into town. I always have to hug him and kiss him and go back to his hotel room with him. I am still denying the existence of this relationship, in my mind, and I am going weeks in between my encounters with him, and only seeing him if we happen to bump into each other while I’m in town (or when ‘they’ force him to think of me and look for me at a place where I go, which is what I suspect happened last time we met). We don’t call each other on the phone. I hate using the phone, and I hate deliberately planning ‘dates’ in advance. I haven’t been able to explain to him that it’s extremely important for me to avoid touching anybody who uses tobacco. I sort of barely mentioned to him that maybe possibly he ought to stop smoking. But I didn’t push it any more than that. I don’t feel entitled to boss people around and tell them to change their lifestyles when I am not even having a serious long-term relationship with them.

This guy is an EII for sure, and we have an ‘activator’ relationship. I could talk about that, but don’t really feel like getting into it right now, since I’m sort of running out of steam after sitting here writing for hours. He’s often telling me about interesting people he has met while traveling. He goes on random trips and is always meeting new people and talking to them. ‘I met this person, and she was this, and she told me she did that, and she said this to me. I met this guy who came from this place, and we talked about such and such. That was the lady at the front desk who called on the phone just now. She calls me ‘Senator,’ and I call her ‘Department of the Interior.’ Or sometimes she calls me “109” [his room number at the time]. She says, “109, give me your money right now, or I’m gonna have to kill you.”‘ (I’ve noticed that some hotel desk workers are LSE females, and she probably is too. There are also LSE landlords/ladies.) He’s interested in Native Americans and has some handcrafted wooden flutes and a handmade drumstick. He and I have this in common, this love of indigenous people and their music and primitive tools and instruments.

So if I keep seeing him, I will keep getting tobacco all over me, and I will have to keep shampooing my hair. I haven’t resolved this yet. So far, I am just not going to the places where we happen to meet each other, and I’ve talked to him and told him about some personal conflicts that are making me reluctant to get into a serious relationship right now. So he kind of knows that I am avoiding him.

I’ll have to publish this before my battery dies.

I’m doing okay, and the severe bad mood has diminished somewhat, but I’m still concerned about it. I’m going to be working on my decon anyway. But some of the contamination is coming from places other than my own lingering residues on my belongings. It’s coming from the outside world, and, as such, it will be a lifelong problem, unless I completely withdraw from society. The reason why the residues are such a serious threat is because they can cause me to do stupid, impulsive, embarrassing, horrible things that I regret, which ruin my relationships. They cause me to be less able to control my impulses, and more vulnerable to the electronic mind control attacks. I am always in danger of doing stupid, destructive things when I have drug or poison residues on me. I can greatly reduce the problem by doing my own decontamination, which I am still working on now, but there will always be recurring problems coming from the outside world. They won’t be as severe, as constant, or as unavoidable as the lingering residues that got all over everything I own. So I can reduce it, but solving it in the long term is going to be much more complicated. I know now that many of the health problems I had in the past were caused by various forms of poisons, pesticides, drugs, heavy metals, and other contamination. I have had lifelong problems with this, for decades, but in the past I didn’t understand how it worked. I only knew that I had these intermittent, unpredictable, uncontrollable moods and illnesses that seemed to happen at random.

Okay, I guess that’s it for now. My hair will grow back. I will finish the soil decon that I’m working on now. It’s warm outside and so I’m able to do outdoor work. I still have fatigue and other problems that make it hard to do any work, but I can get a little bit done, bit by bit by bit, slowly but surely. I’m getting it done. I’ve done much harder work in the past, when I sorted through all my old belongings that I was keeping in the storage unit, and when I took some stuff home to be stored in West Virginia. That was much harder than this. If I did that, I can do this. I will, I know I will, I just hate how long it takes. It takes *SO LONG* for me to do *ANYTHING*, the simplest and most trivial of tasks. I hate it. If a small simple task could be done in three hours, then, in reality, it is going to take me THREE MONTHS to get it done. My life is just stretching out longer and longer, this time of torture and frustration and suffering.

I am making progress, I have made progress – not real progress, not absolute progress, but progress out of a negative, progress out of a disaster. I have made recovery progress, which is not the same as forward progress. Forward, positive progress is when you learn a new skill, for instance, or do something that will have a lasting positive impact on your life forever, something which cannot be undone, or is rather difficult to undo, something like saving a whole bunch of money in silver and gold coins, or graduating from college and getting a degree, or getting a better job, or setting up some infrastructure that makes it easier to do productive work forever afterwards. I haven’t made that kind of progress. I have only made progress climbing up the wall of the deep pit that I fell into.

A few decades from now, my life is going to be better than this. I am going to have more of the things that I want. I will have fewer problems than I have now, in some ways, although I could have new problems that I don’t have now. But I have knowledge about how to solve and prevent some of the problems that have been happening to me all my life. Now that I know about that, I will be able to progress faster in the future. It hurts, it’s painful, it’s slow, it’s frustrating, but I am going to get out. I know I will.

Eating one cooked earthworm does not cause instant death.

April 20, 2013

5:33 PM 4/20/2013

I ate one earthworm today. I might as well write about everything that’s been going on over the past few weeks, since I haven’t been blogging much.

First, I am currently manic, but the mania is very mild compared to my attacks in the past. I know one or two items that are causing it, but haven’t been able to finish my decon yet, so I am just putting up with it since it’s mild. It’s causing me to make more eye contact with people, and some people at work are being friendlier than usual to me, because I myself am projecting friendliness, which I always do when I am under the influence of St. John’s Wort residues. I smile more, talk more, and say more of what’s on my mind. This sounds like it would be great, but it also causes excessive and prolonged sexual arousal, a willingness to take risks and waste money and get involved in too many projects which I can’t complete, and a vulnerability to suggestion, which means that electronic mind control attacks are able to make me do things that I wouldn’t want to do. That is why I am decontaminating, to get rid of these residues.

One of my recent projects was to get one of those tiny gas stoves that are made for hikers. It’s small enough and light enough to carry in a backpack. I had tried making fires last year, with wood, but the smoke irritates my nose, throat, and lungs for an entire week after making only one fire. Instead of finding a way to solve that problem, I just totally stopped any attempts to cook anything. It’s almost impossible for me to solve the simplest problems when I am overwhelmed with chronic fatigue and other problems.

So I got a little gas stove instead. I can’t bear to breathe even a couple breaths of the fumes or the burned gas while it’s lit. It makes me feel dizzy and weird and sick, and my brain stops working and I become stupid and unable to talk or think. So I have to stay away from it while it’s burning, and breathe the wind coming from another direction.

The first day that I bought it, I cooked a mixture of chopped up red potatoes, mushrooms, fresh sage (an herb chosen at random, partly because ‘they’ were wondering if sage might be a drug that would induce mental effects that would make a person behave like a ‘sage,’ but it did nothing drug-like for me when I ate it), and scrapple. I got a particular brand of scrapple from Wegman’s which isn’t at the other stores. It contains several organ meats from pork: pork skins, kidneys, liver, and a couple other organ meats that I can’t remember, maybe stomachs, maybe tongue. Kidneys are the one organ which isn’t included in the other brands of scrapple at the other grocery stores. It’s fully cooked, so I don’t have to be very careful to cook it for a long time on my tiny gas stove. I only need to warm it up to the desired temperature. It can be eaten straight from the package.

I think that eating kidneys causes a diuretic effect, from the hormones that are still in the kidneys. I was peeing like every five minutes for an entire 24 hours after eating that scrapple, even though I was not drinking a huge amount of caffeine at the time. Also, maybe the sage could be a diuretic too – I haven’t read about it – so I would have to test what happens if I eat it without sage.

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I cooked this tiny cup of food on top of the Pugh Street parking garage. I think that this was April 15th, the day of the Boston bombings. When I went up there to the top of the parking garage, I had this weird idea in my head that people were going to see me going up there and lighting a little fire and crouching over it, and they would think that I was lighting a bomb, and they would be scared of me. I went up there because I had gone shopping at Wegman’s and ridden the bus back into town, and I wanted to cook the food immediately while I was still somewhere in town, instead of going all the way home or somewhere else. I didn’t want my food all sitting at room temperature for a long time. So I went somewhere private which had a lot of open space and fresh air, on the roof of the parking garage. It was evening and dark, and there were few people who went through when I was up there, just one or two people.

I didn’t know about the bombings at that time. I had vaguely heard somebody say something about bombings, but I didn’t know who or where or what about it. I found out about it the next day. Now I am walking around thinking that people are going to be scared of me because I’m often wearing a large backpack with clothes in it, which is why it’s so big, and because at the moment I am also wearing all black, most of the time, which could be interpreted as something scary. When I crouch down to unzip my backpack and sort through it, I’m conscious of the people around me, who might be looking at me and wondering what’s in my backpack.

I have been wanting to switch over to cooking more of my own food. So I went shopping again and got a couple more items, just some small things. I had to throw away the leftovers from the scrapple-potato-stew. I don’t like throwing things away. I need an icebox to keep them in, but I didn’t want to buy a new icebox because I had thrown away the previous one when the soil got contaminated around my camp. I didn’t want to buy something like that again until after the decon. However, this time, I just bought an extremely cheap styrofoam one. I think now, if I recall, I had tried to buy a styrofoam one before, but it had broken in half in my car on the way home because it had gotten squashed under something heavy, which was why I had decided to buy a sturdy plastic one. But those plastic ones cost like $50 or something.

So I got a couple food items which I had intended to cook, after work a couple days ago. But I was extremely exhausted. Somebody had sprayed pesticide in the employee break room, tons and tons of it, because we have a million harmless little fruit flies down there. I don’t know where they are coming from, and spraying them doesn’t work for more than a couple days, so they have to spray them over and over again. Every time they spray down there, I and everyone else gets very sick. People will be complaining of headaches all day long, and behaving strangely, and being anxious and in bad moods, and I will say to them that we’re all going crazy because of the pesticide spray downstairs, but nobody takes me seriously. The spray comes up the stairs and we can smell it upstairs because there are fans running constantly over all the grills and fryers, which pull the air in from all directions, including from the basement where the break room is.

I went home dead exhausted. I probably had some of the spray on my skin, on my arms, because I had sat at the table several times that day in the break room, and I suspect the spray had fallen onto the table if they sprayed up at the ceiling above the table. I don’t know exactly where they sprayed. Since I was so exhausted, I could not stay up to cook the tiny little bit of food on my tiny stove, so I put it into my styrofoam cooler and went to bed. I was also exhausted the next day after work, so I couldn’t cook it that night either, and I was too tired to bring home a bag of ice to refill the cooler. I had been planning to ‘steal’ bags of ice from McDonald’s every day, from the ice machine in the back, for free. But I couldn’t do it.

So the ice melted over a couple days and now I know the food in there is no longer edible. It just sat there and I never got to cook it. It was only a few small things, but there was meat in there, and I absolutely hate to throw away meat. I don’t believe in wantonly killing animals and then throwing them away.

This morning, I was still deathly exhausted, even though I had a bottle of Coke that I was drinking in the tent. I wasn’t in caffeine withdrawal, but my whole body was in such pain that I could not get out of bed. Finally, I wiped off my arms with some of those Clorox wipes that I always have – I don’t react to that chemical at all, and even though the instructions say ‘Do not use for personal cleansing,’ I can use large amounts of them all over my body with no noticeable symptoms at all. If there are any symptoms, they are mild and I can’t detect them. Sure, I’d prefer that they had no chemicals in them – I only need some kind of pre-wet soapy wipe, and I couldn’t care less about ‘killing germs’ most of the time – I’m not germ-phobic.

After wiping off my arms, I did start to feel better, so I was more certain that I had pesticide spray on my arms from where I had sat at the table with my arms laying on the table, at work. I finally got enough energy to get up.

It was snowing this morning. SNOWING. On Mt. Nittany, there was sleet, or snow, or something, little tiny frozen balls of ice falling on my tent, making little clattering noises on the tent and on the fallen leaves. It didn’t just snow once, but several times during the morning. It was windy and cold. That’s another reason why I didn’t want to get out of bed. Maybe the snow didn’t reach all the way down into the valley below. Maybe it was virga, the falling snow that melts and evaporates before it reaches the ground. But on a high elevation, it was able to reach the ground. I was very annoyed by this snow.

I was feeling hopeless and miserable. I have spent all my money. I’m expecting a tax refund of $900, but haven’t gotten it yet. I spent all the money going to the hotel in the past couple months. I didn’t really want to do that. I was following ‘suggestions’ some of the time. I was sick and tired a lot and didn’t want to go all the way home to sleep in the tent. So I would sleep in the hotel, take hot baths and showers, sleep in a bed, and get up using the coffeemaker and the complimentary coffee in the room. And then I would go directly to work at McDonald’s in the early morning, since it was only a bit down the street from the hotel.

I even drank artificial sweetener just a couple of times. They include several packets of sugar, coffee creamer, and artificial sweetener along with the coffee. I would always use the sugar and the creamer but not the sweetener. (Powdered coffee creamer is not really good for you either, but I used that.) I didn’t notice any severe symptoms after using only one or two tiny packets of sweetener. The only thing I noticed is that they taste DISGUSTING, and the sick sweet tastes sticks in my mouth for at least an hour, if not longer, and everything I eat tastes weird afterwards. The people who get sick from sweetener are the people who drink several liters of artificially sweetened soda each day, along with dozens of other foods and drinks that are artificially sweetened. They develop symptoms of multiple sclerosis, along with other symptoms like headaches. And when you go to the doctor with your symptoms of multiple sclerosis, the doctor won’t bother asking you if you’re eating tons and tons of artificial sweetener every day. In principle, I do not believe in eating the sweetener, and will avoid it even though I did not notice severe symptoms.

The hopeless misery usually happens if I quit caffeine, but I was drinking Coke this morning, so I shouldn’t have felt so utterly hopeless as I felt. I’ve spent all my money, which is usually another reason why I feel hopeless, but even so, I could not talk myself out of the hopelessness no matter how hard I tried. That’s when I finally decided to wash off my arms with the Clorox wipes, which almost instantly made me feel better, less hopeless, and less painful.

I was also thinking of my religion, Anaya. I think about it much more when I am manic. I was thinking of a farm. I started thinking about edible insect farming. I’ve researched edible insects several times in the past, and have always intended to try eating insects at some point, but I always wanted to do some more research and I wanted to try insects that I had raised under controlled conditions.

I felt awful about wasting all the food in the icebox. I was thinking about the Anaya farm and the edible insects. So ‘they’ suggested to me, during this time when I was manic and suggestible, that I could try cooking an earthworm, now that I have a little gas stove to cook it on. I wouldn’t want to eat the worm raw. I have read about parasites, and there have been incidents where little children or other random people have eaten worms raw and gotten parasites from them as a result. They weren’t deadly parasites, nothing like trichinosis or anything, but nuisance parasites. Still, I didn’t want that to happen.

When I was finally able to get up, I put on ALL MY CLOTHES. I was very annoyed about the icy wind and the snow. I put on all the layers of clothing that I had been wearing all winter long. I would wear a t-shirt over a long-sleeved t-shirt, and three hoodies, and then two zipped sweatshirts, and a jacket, and two layers of sweatpants. I wore the same clothes all the time. I don’t want to have lots of clothes when I am doing a decon and will be throwing stuff away, so I wear the same clothes over and over. So I put on all of those winter clothes.

I got up and went out and set up my little stove. I cleared a space in the fallen leaves by brushing them away with my foot. Then I went to hunt for a worm. I decided I would eat only one, the smallest one I could find. I didn’t even have to dig. I was just about to scratch the earth with a stick when I saw a worm sitting right there just under a leaf. So I picked it up. It was relatively big, and alive. I went over to the little stove, and then, as I knelt down by the stove, I saw a much smaller worm, a teeny tiny one, which I had accidentally stunned or killed when I was brushing away the leaves with my foot. Apparently I had stepped on it and dragged it over the dirt when I was brushing the leaves away. It seemed to be dead, or injured. I decided it would be better to eat that worm which I had injured by accident. I should use the one that I had hurt, instead of using a new healthy worm which was larger. The injured worm was extremely small, only an inch long, and very, very thin.

So I washed it off with a little bit of bottled water. I lit my stove, a little fearfully, always afraid it’s going to explode, and I wasn’t sure if it was lit, since the blue flame wasn’t visible in the daylight, but then, I could see it. I smelled it a couple times and decided not to breathe if I was near it. I filled up the little cup with a small amount of water and waited a few minutes for it to boil. It didn’t take long.

The little tiny injured worm was still not moving as I held it in my hand. It didn’t wriggle around. I had injured it pretty badly by accidentally stepping on it and dragging it over the dirt, apparently, and it seemed to be almost broken open in the middle. I could see the injury in one little place. It was best for me to use this worm and not a healthy new live one. If I had to feel bad about killing things by accident, then I would use them if I could.

So I tried to drop the worm into the boiling water, but the worm was so tiny that the rising steam actually lifted it and blew it against the side of the cup. It didn’t fall into the boiling water. I became very annoyed. I did not want to let the worm sit there steaming over the water while it was pasted against the wall of the cup. It seemed to be stunned, but it might not be completely dead, and it might be able to feel pain. I wanted to kill it faster than that. So I broke a stick off a little branch and knocked the worm down into the water where it would finish cooking. Then I waited a little bit, a couple minutes. I wanted it to be completely cooked so that there would not be any live parasite eggs that could infest me.

I watched it, and it never wriggled. It floated around in the boiling water. It is easiest for me to kill insects and invertebrates like that, and I have killed spiders many times if they are in my tent or my bedroom or someplace else where I don’t want them to be. But even so, I always assume that they feel pain, and I always try to kill them quickly, ruthlessly, and thoroughly. If I kill a bug, I don’t just swat it once and let it sit there. I will actually smear it across the ground till it’s all completely broken into pieces so that there is no chance at all that it’s just sitting there in agonizing pain unable to move. I’ve seen other people kill bugs, and they might swat it once and then look at it while it’s sitting there. You can’t do that, you have to smear it until it’s totally crushed and completely destroyed.

Finally I decided it had been long enough, and I used the little twig to pull it out of the boiling water. I shut off the stove. I put the worm into my mouth and chewed it. It still had dirt inside of it, so I felt a sandy texture grinding my teeth. It was only a tiny bit slimy. It was less slimy than eating okra, so it was tolerable. Eating okra is like eating a mouthful of snot. Okra is more disgusting than a worm. I felt a sensation which is hard to describe, a feeling that I’m having an allergic reaction, a feeling of tingling, in my mouth. I kept it in my mouth chewing it up thoroughly to see if the reaction got any worse, and finally I swallowed it.

It’s been maybe an hour or two since then. I did seem to get a rash on my face, under my jaw. I have been itchy. The rash isn’t bad. I’m not concerned about dropping dead instantly. I’m worried that something will happen a week or two from now, like a parasitic infection that develops over time. So I will keep watching for that to happen.

It actually made me feel less hopeless whenever I thought about the possibility of eating insects. I really do want to be very careful about it and I want to do a lot of research, and there will be particular insects that I eat and other ones that I don’t. If any of them can be eaten in large amounts, then they will become an important part of the diet. Eating just one tiny earthworm by itself isn’t enough. You have to be able to eat a couple big spoonfuls of them with every meal. It has to be a staple food. You have to be able to eat them without getting parasites or having reactions or allergies.

The hopeless feeling probably was mostly from the pesticides, though, and not from thoughts or beliefs in my head. The lack of money is contributing to that feeling, but even that I’m able to talk myself out of. If I can’t talk myself out of a bad feeling, then it’s probably caused by poison. I will have to avoid sitting in the break room while they’re spraying down there. In fact, I would have to just avoid sitting there at all now, because the spray will still be all over the table, and it won’t just vanish on its own. They’re knocking down the store and rebuilding it in a couple of weeks, and I’ll be working at a different store, and the newly built stores that I’ll be working at won’t be filled with fruit flies, so there won’t be people spraying the place constantly. So I won’t have recurring exposures to this pesticide.

But if I did have recurring exposures to it every day, I would have to do something about it. I would not be able to continue working there. The effect of pesticide exposure is absolutely devastating. It is life-ruining. It is completely incapacitating. I have been healthier since I started living in a tent partly because I no longer have to live in an apartment where the landlords are always spraying pesticides over and over again, both inside and outside. I would always get incapacitated for weeks every time they did. Now that I live in a tent, that never happens. I’ve forgotten how bad it used to be. It was literally life-ruining.

I moved out of the tent that I had slept in all winter. The first time it snowed, all of my tents collapsed. Two of them had broken supports. One of them had its supports get pushed sideways but not broken, and that’s the tent that I’m sleeping in right now. It’s in good condition. I ‘fixed’ the broken support on my other tent by wrapping it with duct tape, but it still didn’t work very well. It would bend and form a point at the place where it was broken and taped. So the tent was pointed on top instead of round. ‘They’ hacked my computer recently and looked at the photo I had taken of the pointed-top tent, and they sent me a fake spam on my blog which used the phrase ‘point home’ in a sentence (‘some pics would drive the point home’), and I didn’t ‘get the joke’ until the voices in my head were explaining it to me last night.

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collapsing tent under bent saplings
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new tent
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four sleeping bags
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collapsing tent with tarp
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spider
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pile of sticks under tent; red thing at lower right is a shotgun shell which I didn’t know was there
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me in my camouflage hoodie

I’ve taken that tent down. I had actually poked several holes in it on purpose with my spear. It was hanging down in a way, hard to explain, but the bottom part of the tent was hanging over some sticks that I had under the tent, and it had filled with a pool of water. The water had come in through the roof several times when it rained and my tent was collapsing and leaning sideways. The water had collected on top of the tent instead of running off the sides like it would have if the tent weren’t half collapsed, and then, it had all poured through the vent in the roof. To release the water, I had stabbed the tent in a couple places with my spear. I was too exhausted and sick, and the weather was too bitter cold, so I could not fix it for months and months, and I just kept sleeping in it in that condition. When I went inside, I would just prop up one of the broken supports using a couple heavy objects like my backpack and a pile of clothing, so it would not be collapsing so badly when I was inside it. But it still didn’t have much room, with the roof collapsing.

And so, not too long ago, when the weather finally started getting warmer, I went back up to my tent and attempted to sleep there instead of in the hotel. I really, really wanted to get back into the habit of sleeping in the tent instead of the hotel. I laid down and slept on top of the pile of sleeping bags, since it was warm enough that I didn’t need to get inside them. I tried and tried to sleep, but I was being attacked and tortured – they were burning my legs, so that I had to keep kicking and kicking and kicking, and could not sleep. This is a typical form of electronic harassment that happens to almost every single victim who has written their story on the internet. I finally decided to fight against it, and I stopped kicking, even though they were still burning my legs. I just did nothing to relieve the pain. I just laid there and did not move.

At that instant, as soon as I stopped kicking, they forced a huge black spider to suddenly run over my leg, out of nowhere. I started cursing and shouting and looking all over to find where it went, and I found it and killed it.

When I opened the door of the tent, I saw another huge black spider similar to that one, near the door, near the ground. I shut the door, and I knocked the spider off by hitting it from the inside of the tent. I went back to the hotel shortly after that.

So I decided I would have to move into a tent that wasn’t collapsing and wasn’t full of holes that spiders would be crawling in through. I was going to move out of that tent anyway, but it hadn’t been warm enough to do any outdoor work. Finally it was. So I dismantled the whole tent and packed it up into garbage bags and threw it away. I’m assuming the worst, that it’s contaminated, even though technically it’s not too badly contaminated. I’ve learned to just throw stuff away instead of trying to keep anything at all, until the final decon is done, the soil decon and the everything decon.

Spiders get all over your tent if you have the tent in a place like where I had it. I was right underneath some trees that were arching over top of me. I also had a whole pile of rotten wood and sticks underneath the tent, which I had attempted to use to make the ground flatter, since it was quite slanted in that place. The spiders crawl among all the sticks and they crawl up the trees. They will also crawl around in the fallen leaves. So if you rake all the leaves away, it will reduce the amount of spiders, and if you don’t sleep on top of a pile of sticks, and don’t sleep directly under small trees that are arching right over top of you, then you won’t have so many spiders. And if you don’t have big holes poked in your tent to let out the pool of rainwater, then they won’t crawl inside. My new tent should be better in all those respects. I prefer to have the bent saplings arching over me – it makes me feel safe against falling trees and falling branches, and it even makes me feel just a tiny bit safer against lightning (but not much – the only thing that would make me feel really safe would be being underground, or under thick sturdy walls and ceilings in a house – but even so, I’ve read stories of houses that got struck by lightning, which went through the walls and exploded out into the room, so even a house isn’t able to protect you against lightning).

That is what I have been doing over the past few weeks. I haven’t done my decon yet. I did try to wash off my bike handlebar grips. I took off the plastic bags and duct tape that had been covering them all winter, and washed the grips off with soap and hot water in the bathroom of the parking garage. But it didn’t wash them off well enough, and I’m still having a reaction to them. I also think I’m reacting to my spear which has been lying on the contaminated soil, but I’m throwing away that spear anyway because the stick is broken and taped back together. I need a new unbroken stick. I probably will keep the knives though. The spear is protection against bears and cougars. The ‘cougar footprints’ were actually dog footprints, which I saw while I was manic. I saw them appear over and over again later on, every time it snowed, always following the footprints of a human. So it was a dog. But there could still be cougars – I heard the mysterious roaring growling noise in the early morning one time, and the squealing of the animal that it caught, and I don’t know if it was a bobcat or a cougar, but it was definitely a cat’s growl. It sounded exactly like the Nittany Lion that growls on the radio in between commercial breaks. I blogged about that last year when it happened.

Anyway, I’ve just been tolerating this low level of mania for weeks and weeks now. I haven’t been going to the church and haven’t gone to my Freethought meetup groups. I don’t like it when I am unreliable, when I start things I can’t finish, when other people are depending on me and I let them down. It makes me feel like a bad person. This happens when I am manic and I start things up which require too much from me or that cause internal conflicts.

I have conflicts about meeting people right now. I am trying to avoid meeting any new people, and I’m avoiding all social activities. All I have to do is meet someone who is the slightest bit nice and friendly to me and I will be ‘sexually intimate’ with him an hour or two after meeting him, which has happened several times. I just walk through town, and random strangers will start interacting with me, people who are drunk (the guy from Egypt whose accent was so thick that we could barely talk to each other), or not, sometimes just nice people – one of them was an EII, although I tried to re-type him later on, only to become convinced once again that he was definitely an EII – I just meet these random people and then quickly, instantly start having sex with them, on the first, second, or third time that we’re together.

I am unable to defend myself against them or say no to them, because of my mania, and because the mind control attacks prevent me from focusing my mind. Mental focus is required for me to understand the long-term consequences of failing to protect myself. I had unprotected sex with the EII guy, and he withdrew before ejaculating, but I was paranoid that I might get pregnant, and was all worried about it for a week or two until I started my period. I did that because I just cannot focus enough to say no to people. It’s not only the danger of getting pregnant, it’s also the danger of getting an STD, like genital warts, which causes cancer.

It’s really only been those two guys, the drunk Egyptian and the 55-year-old EII guy, but still, I know what will happen if I go to a church and meet dozens of people at once, nice people, some of whom might be compatible. I did go to a couple church activities during the winter when I was absolutely miserable, but then stopped going.

I would prefer to finish my decon and end the mania and quit caffeine. When I am totally drug-free, I become much less friendly and less talkative, although I also become more mellow and tolerant in some ways. Caffeine makes me hurried and rushed and impatient, irritable, businesslike. When I quit caffeine, I’m no longer in a hurry, and I can sit and listen to people talking to me, and I can listen to music on the radio which is normally intolerable when I’m on caffeine – suddenly the most awful music becomes less intolerable, because I am more relaxed, less tense, less rushed, less alert. So I will be quitting all drugs as soon as I can, as soon as I am clean. It will be hard to do if I keep getting exposed to that bug spray at work and getting so exhausted that I can’t get out of bed. That is actually an extremely serious and dangerous problem, which could ruin my life and could even cause me to lose my job if I get so sick every day that I can’t get out of bed at all. It is actually a very, very major problem, not just a trivial little thing. It is potentially disastrous, just that little bit of bug spray that they are using for the fruit flies. I won’t be able to quit caffeine if I am being poisoned by pesticides.

Anyway, if I am drug-free, I will be less suggestible and less friendly, less sociable, less likeable, less sexually attractive, more boring and dull, less lively, and I will make less eye contact. I won’t instantly attract random guys off the street who want to start having sex in the first hour that I’ve met them, anymore. I will probably be more able to say no to them. The drug residue-induced mania strongly affects the way everybody reacts to me.

I wonder how long it will be before I notice parasites from eating the earthworm. I don’t have a backup plan for what I will do when the parasitic infection appears. I don’t want to go to the hospital with giardiasis again to get Flagyl. Flagyl should be available over the counter. I want to know about how primitive people treated giardiasis. But the herbal medicines are usually extremely poisonous and I would like to avoid them if possible. I want to know if Flagyl is made from mold, like other antibiotics, and if so, can an amateur just grow this type of mold at home, and make their own Flagyl while living off-the-grid?

It will be maybe two weeks or so before I notice any parasites, if they do appear. That’s why I tried to cook the worm. But I’m afraid it could still happen.

I haven’t gotten sick at my stomach yet. I didn’t throw up. So, I’ve discovered that earthworms are not in the ‘instant death’ category. If you are ever shipwrecked or planewrecked and have to eat something, earthworms might keep you alive.

There is nothing I hate about McDonald’s so much as I hate Happy Meals and Happy Meal Toys.

April 13, 2013

I am in McDonald’s right now, and a kid started crying because he got a Happy Meal toy that he didn’t want. Don’t these kids understand that they are supposed to just TAKE IT AND LIKE IT? (Right now he’s over there saying, ‘Yay! I’ve got so much ketchup! I’m rich with ketchup!’) Don’t they understand the gambler mentality that they are supposed to develop in response to bad happy meal toys? They are supposed to want to go keep buying more and more happy meals until they finally get a good toy. They are not supposed to take the unwanted toy to the counter and ask for a trade. They are supposed to keep all the bad toys and trade them with their friends for good toys, like baseball cards. They are supposed to have several foot lockers filled to the brim with happy meal toys at home.

Nothing about McDonald’s makes me angry so much as the Happy Meals. Stupid, ignorant, brainwashed parents believe that they *MUST* buy happy meals for their kids, or they are failing as a parent, failing to give their children the happiest, most deeply meaningful moments of childhood, the moment when you open up a happy meal only to find that the toy totally sucks, and you’re in the car and halfway home before you find out, and you can’t turn around and go back, and you must TAKE IT AND LIKE IT, and that’s the way it is.

It makes me angry that these parents are incapable of questioning the happy meal cult mentality. They, too, believe that they *must* obtain the happy meals and they *must* enjoy them. They are incapable of protesting whenever McDonald’s tries to become ‘healthy’ by adding apples and reducing the amount of french fries. No matter what they give you, you must take it and like it. It doesn’t matter if your child is an infant who has no teeth and cannot chew apples (which was one complaint that I got from a parent when they first made this change). You are still obligated to purchase happy meals for your children who are so young that they don’t even understand what happy meals are and unable to play with the toys yet. IT DOESN’T MATTER, YOU MUST PURCHASE A HAPPY MEAL FOR YOUR ONE-MONTH-OLD INFANT OR YOU ARE FAILING AS A PARENT.

I heard a story secondhand, but I believe it. There is this girl who several of my coworkers know, who once dated a friend of mine. She has his son. They’re not together anymore. Based on her character, I totally believe this story. According to this story, there was an incident that happened where she had just given birth to her son, who was barely even able to move yet, and the first thing she did was go to McDonald’s and buy him a happy meal, even though he did not have teeth and could not chew food yet and ought to have been drinking nothing but breast milk at that stage in his life. She was a young, ignorant mother in her early teens, but even so, I cannot imagine anyone being THAT ignorant, no matter how young they are.

I hate happy meals so much that even in spite of the fact that I am a libertarian, I still feel satisfaction when I hear stories about happy meals being declared illegal in California, or wherever – I’d have to google it to find out what the exact details are. I swear I’ve heard that in some particular state, you are simply not allowed to sell happy meals. I should google it now…

Yes, it’s true, but only for one county, not the entire state of California. I’m trying to read the details, but the pages won’t load.

Okay, I should have expected this, but, of course the law is badly implemented. The happy meals as such should be completely banned. But instead, they say you can’t give away a toy with a meal that contains more than 485 calories. This is based on the misguided belief that too many calories is the cause of obesity. Obesity is not caused by eating too many calories. Obesity has other causes.

Also, connecting this law with calories ignores the fact that giving away a toy encourages a materialistic, toy-loving, gambler mentality, which is what I dislike so much about it.

Parents are so stupid that they are just helpless to order the happy meal food items individually and separately without a toy. Oh no! It doesn’t come as a meal! How can I possibly order a single hamburger, a small fry, and a small drink, UNLESS IT COMES TOGETHER IN A MEAL???????? WE’RE ALL GONNA STARVE TO DEATH!!! I am not exaggerating. I work in the drive-thru and I have encountered dozens of people who simply cannot conceive of the fact that you are able to order individual menu items that are not included in a so-called ‘meal’ of some kind. They believe that everything must be a meal, and you are forbidden to purchase individual single items, and the only thing they can ever buy is a meal, and it doesn’t matter if they don’t want the french fries – I have had people tell me, ‘Can I substitute something else for the french fries? I’m just going to throw the french fries away,’ because they don’t eat french fries. If you don’t like french fries, then 1. Buy a sandwich, and 2. Buy a drink. Or I get people who say, ‘I want this value meal, but I don’t want the drink. I’m just going to throw the drink away. Can I get the value meal without a drink?’ No, you cannot, because that is not what a value meal is. You can, however, order a burger and order some fries.

These are the same people who believe that they are actually getting some kind of ‘value’ in a value meal. They believe that the absolute cost of the entire value meal is LESS THAN it would be if you ordered only one or two of the individual items. They believe that, for instance, if you order a burger and fries by themselves, that would cost MORE THAN it costs to order a burger, fries, and a drink as a value meal. They tell me that they don’t want a drink, or they don’t want fries, but they’re terrified to try to order the individual items separately, because that’s no longer a ‘value deal’ of some kind, and if they’re not ‘getting a deal’ then they absolutely must not under any circumstances order those items. It doesn’t matter that a value meal costs more than just one or two individual items – they have to order a value meal because it’s a ‘value’ and they’re ‘getting a good deal.’ They would have spent only $3.00, but instead, they order a value meal and spend $5.00 (I’m just making these numbers up), because it’s a ‘deal.’ Then they throw the fries or the drink in the garbage because they don’t really want fries or a drink.

Anyway, I said I like to hear about happy meals being declared illegal. Some people are so stupid that the only way to stop them from doing stupid things is to make those things illegal.

Unfortunately, in the place where the happy meals were declared illegal unless they are less than X calories, etc, people would rather starve their children to death than give up the idea of the happy meal, and so, guess what they will do… they will take it and like it. They are helpless to resist this vision in their head, this mental ideal, of childhood materialistic joy. It’s just like Christmas and Santa Claus. They would rather starve their kids on a meal that doesn’t contain enough calories and fat to satisfy a hungry, growing body that desperately needs a huge number of calories and fat.

Some people really are helpless victims who are totally incapable of protecting themselves and asserting their own will. They will totally obey whatever self-destructive brainwashing someone gives them, in fact, they JOYFULLY obey this self-destructive brainwashing. I’m remembering a story of a coworker who got breast cancer. She was telling me her story of how it happened, and how she EAGERLY told them to go ahead and chop off everything they could possibly chop off. So now, she is missing most of her internal and external organs, and still on drugs with no end in sight, and happy about it. She said a while ago that they were going to stop her chemotherapy drugs soon because X.Y number of years had gone by, and the drugs only work for X.Y number of years, and so she must stop using the drugs at exactly Z.Y:00 PM on the date of AA-BB-20CC. However, I asked her about this recently, and it sounds like it’s never really going to happen.

The reason I care about this is because she has some extremely annoying behavior and mood patterns that annoy EVERYONE at McDonald’s and some of the customers who come to McD as well, and I strongly suspect that her cancer drugs are the reason for this behavior. I want to find out how she behaves when she is no longer on the drugs. I predict that she will become something that almost resembles a sane, normal person whenever she is no longer on these drugs, but I won’t ever get the chance to see what that looks like. She pretends to complain about the drugs, but in reality is delighted to be getting them, delighted to chop off as many bodily organs as possible, delighted to destroy herself completely because the doctors tell her to, and she doesn’t want to stop.

These are the same type of people who absolutely cannot conceive of a universe in which happy meals do not exist. What a dark, bleak, miserable universe that would be! Happiness comes from a plastic toy in a box, and without that, THERE WOULD BE NO HAPPINESS ANYWHERE IN THE UNIVERSE. Happy meals really do create happiness, and they are the reason why there is so much joy in the world today. I feel sorry for those primitive people who don’t have happy meals and have healthy food instead. What a miserable life it must be to eat nutritious, healthy, fresh, natural food all the time, without any plastic toys and brightly colored boxes to make life worth living.

Anal sex symbol made me laugh…

April 13, 2013

I had gotten a reminder about my twenty year high school reunion, and was looking at the facebook page of an old acquaintance who has been openly gay for several years now. He worked for a website called ‘findfred.com,’ and I decided to look at their facebook page.

findfred anal sex symbol

I saw that symbol and just started chuckling. It’s an F, but it’s also a guy bending over the back of another guy, and yet, so abstract and so stylized that it could not really be censored or blocked or described as pornographic.

I am slightly manic today, so I’m laughing more easily at random things. It’s so cold outside that I don’t think I will be doing much cleanup work around the tent. It’s in the forties, and it’s so cold that my hands hurt unless I have them in my pockets or in gloves. So now I will be sitting around here doing nothing all day long.

Why doesn’t the gun control law anger me as much as it should?

April 12, 2013

I read a lot of libertarian-oriented news articles, and have called myself an anarchist, minarchist, or libertarian for many years now. I’m also kind of a survivalist. You would think that I would be in favor of people having the right to own guns, and that I would be very angered about the recent gun laws.

However, my sincere and spontaneous emotional reaction is: I don’t really mind the gun control law very much – and, when I recently heard that they were checking people for psychiatric drug use and then using that information to decide whether someone could own a gun, I was actually gleeful about it. Why do I have this reaction, which seems contradictory to my beliefs?

I have other beliefs that are influencing my reaction. I personally don’t like guns and don’t want to own one. Maybe, eventually, in the future, I will experience some situation that makes me change my mind. I am not absolutely set in stone on this issue forever. I imagine that if I needed to defend myself against other human beings who were using guns, I would want to have a gun too.

However, I see myself in a different situation in the future. I am drawn more towards environments where I would be living a primitive lifestyle. My only use for a gun would be to hunt animals. I think that using a gun to hunt animals is kind of a bad thing. I want the animals to have a fair chance against the humans, and I would prefer to see a larger number of free roaming wild animals in the world for us to hunt. I don’t want us to be able to kill them too easily. For whatever reason, I am drawn to the idea of primitive, stone age weapons, such as bows and arrows, or atlatls, or spears, or some other stone age weapons. I don’t like guns. I don’t like it that they make such a loud noise, which can cause hearing damage. I don’t like it that a gun is so loud that everybody for miles around knows that you are out there in the woods hunting, whereas a bow and arrow makes a loud click or snapping sound, but that’s all, and it can’t be heard for miles around the way a gun can. I like the quietness of bows or atlatls (or whatever) because I want to go hunting without permission – it would be called poaching – on land that I do not own, and I don’t want to own land. I want to go hunting without a license. I want a weapon that doesn’t have to be registered with the government. I want a weapon that I myself am able to craft out of local materials for free, such as stones and sticks. So I actually prefer primitive weapons and dislike guns.

However, I understand that we may not just be using the guns to hunt animals in the future. In a civil war, people would fight against people. I would not want to be disadvantaged by having to fight with only primitive weapons against guns. But even so, I still somehow feel that I would rather just have a primitive weapon than a gun.

I have been on antidepressants in the past, and I am also a victim of constant, unavoidable electronic harassment. I have experienced forced urges to kill myself, in the past, when I was on drugs and being electronically attacked. I have also experienced forced urges to kill other people, back then. I am no longer on any drugs at all, and that is one of the reasons why I have chosen never to use any of those drugs again, because they make you vulnerable to those urges. During that time, I did not own a gun. I was glad I did not own one, and I did not want to own one. I don’t want to be able to quickly, easily, spontaneously kill myself or someone else on a sudden whim. I want it to be difficult. Yes, anybody can kill anybody if they just grab a random sharp object and stab someone with it. But it’s hard to do. You can’t do it as quickly and impulsively. There are some limits on just how much damage you can do.

So that is why I myself don’t like guns, don’t want to own one, and don’t feel a lot of sympathy with the people who hate the new gun control laws. But yet, I may change my mind about this in the future, as I said. I understand that people want to protect themselves against the government itself and against roving gangs, in an anarchy situation (a SHTF scenario, when ‘the shit hits the fan’).

My emotional response to this situation might change, especially if I read more about it. I know I would feel differently, for instance, if I knew that guns had been individually handcrafted by a local artisan blacksmith. I like that idea better than the idea of buying them from a large corporation. I like the idea of self-reliant local economies. So a small scale artisanal blacksmith making guns would definitely appeal to me more than a large corporation making them. I might then admire the guns and be curious about them, wanting to know how they work and how they are made. I might be more interested in owning a gun like that.

Mainstream news article used the phrase ‘the next [banking] crisis.’

April 12, 2013

I accidentally pushed ‘enter’ instead of the apostrophe/quote button, and it published this without any text in it.

I was going to say, I was reading a news article today: Analysts discuss paradigm shift: breaking up banks

This sentence caught my attention:

“But some U.S. legislators are looking to add rules that would impose extra costs on the biggest banks, to reflect the fact that these companies could still end up being bailed out in the next crisis.”

I’ve seen many news articles where they are denying that there is going to be a ‘next crisis.’ We are not supposed to suggest to anybody that there will be another crisis, because supposedly the crises are caused by ‘consumer sentiment’ or ‘investor sentiment,’ and supposedly if people *believe* that the market will crash or the banks will crash, then they will cause them to crash. (I disagree with this oversimplified explanation of what causes markets and banks to crash.) So news writers are not even allowed to talk about ‘the next crisis.’

I had read an article not too long ago which called the crash a couple years ago ‘The Great Recession.’ He said it with a perfectly straight face as though that’s officially what it was called in the history books. But that name implies that it is THE GREAT recession, as though it’s only one rare, unusual event, something which happens only once in a century or so. In reality, it was only a tiny, tiny, tiny little blip on the enormous graph.

So I was surprised to see anyone even mentioning that there might be another crisis brewing.

Thimerosal is a ‘red herring’ that draws people’s attention away from the dangers of the vaccine viruses

April 10, 2013

I was reading random web pages while waiting for this huge line of thunderstorms to pass. I don’t want to go home to the tent during a huge storm. One thing led to another, and I saw something about a dog with laryngeal paralysis. My first thought was that this was caused by vaccines. Animal vaccines cause the same problems in dogs, and also in all other animals, as they do in humans. They cause strange neurological problems like paralysis and narcolepsy and other bizarre things.

I was doing a google search and saw somebody writing about how the anti-vaxxers must be stopped, because the childhood diseases like measles and diphtheria can, themselves, cause permanent damage to the body, such as paralysis.

I knew about this already. The diseases themselves also have a risk of causing damage. I’m willing to accept that risk, but not willing to accept the risk of the damage that the vaccines cause. I’ve known for a long time that one possible mechanism which explains how vaccines cause autism and narcolepsy and other diseases is that the virus itself is still alive in the body, the virus from the vaccine.

I suddenly realized that a lot of the anti-vaccination groups do not want people to talk very much about the dangers of the diseases themselves. So they focus their argument on ‘Vaccines contain thimerosal.’ I have always felt that thimerosal was sort of a red herring, and I always noticed that they didn’t talk about how the viruses in the vaccines might still be alive and thereby would cause symptoms and permanent damage. The reason they don’t talk about this is because that would draw attention to the fact that the viruses themselves are capable of causing damage, which the anti-vaccine people don’t want anyone to know. They feel that it would weaken their argument.

It doesn’t weaken the argument for me. I don’t mind at all. I am aware of the fact that the diseases themselves can cause permanent damage, and I still prefer to take THAT risk rather than the risks of taking vaccines. Vaccines have risks above and beyond the normal disease risks. You get them by injection, which is an unnatural route of entry, which explains why they might cause more damage than the disease itself would have caused.

And some people have found that vaccines contain other unexpected viruses that we wouldn’t want to be injecting into ourselves, viruses that come from the bodies of the monkeys who were used to produce the vaccines, AIDS-like stealth viruses which are not the same as the childhood diseases, for instance, simian cytomegalovirus. <a href=”http://www.ccid.org/index.htm”>http://www.ccid.org/index.htm</a&gt;.  If you were only letting your children catch the childhood diseases the normal way, they would never encounter these monkey viruses at all.  You are giving them a brand new and ‘irrelevant’ virus, out of nowhere.

Also, they do contain other chemicals besides the viruses themselves, but those chemicals are not the *only* cause of the diseases that result from vaccines. Those chemicals are only one of the causes, and the viruses themselves, in the vaccines, are the other cause. Anti-vaccine advocates always try to draw attention away from the fact that the viruses themselves are dangerous, because people might conclude that allowing the diseases to run their course is too risky.

I believe that if you are healthy and well nourished in general, then you will not be damaged by the childhood diseases if they run their course naturally. People who are overall not healthy and not well nourished are the ones most at risk of permanent damage. This would be true with vaccinations, too, however vaccines are different: you can choose not to use them at all. You have control over whether or not vaccines are given to your child. There is no reason to pre-emptively attack and damage your child. Just let the disease itself come to your child at some unknown time which you do not control, and make sure that they are always healthy and well nourished so that they will not be harmed by the disease.

Mass stabbing? Violence won’t end until psychiatric drug use ends.

April 10, 2013

Unfortunately, I don’t have time to write a whole blog post, since I’m on my lunch break at work. I heard about a mass knife stabbing. I saw a news article on the front page of the paper where they said that mass stabbings are rare. Not anymore. Mass stabbings will take the place of mass shootings if guns are illegal, because the root cause is still there: violence-inducing prescription psychiatric drugs.

Epic Fail

April 4, 2013

A few days ago I bought a new Tracfone card
But trying to use it has been very hard.
A mere seven minutes are all that remain.
And adding more minutes has been such a pain.

“Invalid PIN number” was the message on the screen,
with no explanation of what this could mean.
I came close to throwing forty dollars away,
and just buying another new card that day.

But then I said, “No, I’ll go back to the store.
And maybe the clerk can try to scan it once more.”
And just as I was getting all ready to go,
I happened to see somebody I know.

She said, “Oh, the same thing once happened to me.
And it won’t be as bad as you think it will be.
The PIN was invalid on a card I bought at Weis,
so I called the Tracfone people, and they were very nice.”

I said, “Thanks, that’s reassuring, I’ll give that a try.”
And we went our separate ways and we both said goodbye.
So I found a pay phone, and I attempted to call.
But this 1-800 number wouldn’t go through at all.

“All circuits are busy,” the staticky voice said,
and I thought to myself, “What if Tracfone is dead?
Is this just one more bankrupt corporation
like thousands of others all over the nation?”

But the next time I called, I somehow got through,
and I had to choose my options from the menu.
“Press 1 for English,” and so on, through five,
but no option to talk to someone alive.

Right when I thought I would reach somebody
the phone system just disconnected me!
After that, I called them a dozen times again.
The system finally answered my call. So then,

I went through the options, and sat down on the ground
for ten minutes or so listening to the sound
of a nice piece of music that was constantly playing.
“Your call is important,” the recording kept saying.

“Will it be someone from India?” I wondered, but no,
someone answered, named “Juan,” maybe from Mexico?
Many voices in the background gave an impression of space
and I pictured a big room in a sunny warm place.

Juan sent me to a tech guy whose name I forget.
I held on till he answered. I didn’t give up yet.
“They’re updating our system, so please, bear with me,”
he said, but he didn’t know how long it would be.

“It will be just a moment while our applications restart,”
he said again and again, till I knew in my heart
that it wasn’t to be, and I couldn’t wait longer –
I was tired, I was hungry – I’d have to do this when I was stronger.

But I wasn’t mad at him. There was no need for hate.
My own similar problems meant that I could relate:
Once when our computers went down, where I work,
the cars lined up in the drive-thru, and I felt like a jerk

telling them, “Just one moment,” while ten minutes went by.
How long was “one moment?” How long could I lie?
“This isn’t your fault,” I said now, “and thank you.
I’ll just call you back later. Is there anything I can do?

Can I just take it back and then have it re-scanned?”
I asked, which was what I’d originally planned.
“I don’t have my receipt, and that’s making me worry.”
And I knew that this couldn’t be resolved in a hurry.

He said “Yes, go ahead and try that, and we’ll see,
and if that doesn’t work, try again to call me.”
But I’m all out of patience. So maybe I’ll just
get another new card. I’ll do what I must.

So that’s why, today, I didn’t get much work done.
I went through this battle and it wasn’t much fun.
But even though today might have really been rough,
it’s all sunny outside. I’ll go do other stuff.

First I’ll publish this poem, then I’ll go get some food
I’ll go home and I’ll rest and get in a good mood.
I’ll walk in the woods and I’ll hear the birds sing
and I’ll see the blue sky cause it’s finally Spring.

Spent several hours combing out one dreadlock, and got it mostly done; decided I don’t want to comb them out, at least not yet.

April 4, 2013

4:46 AM 4/4/2013

A few days ago I was at the hotel and I spent a few hours combing out another dreadlock. There are two locks that I combed a little bit, one on the left and one on the right. You can’t see much that I did on the left one, but I spent a lot of time on the right one and combed it out almost all the way up to the root. I did this partly just to get a feel for how long it would take, and how hard it would be to do, if I decided to comb out all of them all over my head.

First, it took a very, very long time. I am not saying that it cannot be done, and I am not saying that it should not be done. I am only saying, don’t be surprised by how long of a time it takes. The experience was very similar to knitting and crocheting, except backwards. When you knit or crochet, you sit there for a very long time making tiny little motions, over and over again, with your hands, gradually increasing the size of a tiny little piece of fabric, and over hours and hours and hours, it will become a sweater, or whatever you’re knitting. This is similar. You have to be extremely patient and gentle.

I was using my favorite conditioner that I used to use in the past, Finesse Conditioner. For some reason, this particular conditioner was the only one that was formulated in exactly the right way so that it never left a waxy buildup on my hair, and at the same time, created exactly the right level of softness, and made it more combable, and less staticky, and never heavy or greasy. I experimented with many other kinds, and even though they often contained similar ingredients, somehow Finesse seemed to have the ingredients in just the right amounts. I don’t know how they did it.

I don’t like depending on just one particular brand and thinking that I absolutely can’t stand ALL of the other brands. That is what happened with this. Years ago Wal-Mart stopped carrying Finesse conditioner for a while – I don’t know if they have it again – but I was very annoyed when they stopped. It made me think, what if the Finesse line went out of business or was discontinued? What if I was the only person who liked it? There would simply be nothing left at all for me to use that was tolerable.

Nowadays, with my dreadlocks, I don’t use conditioner anymore, so it wouldn’t matter so much. So anyway, I used Finesse. I just put the conditioner all over the end of the lock – not the root, but the end – and then started combing it out at the very end, just the tips. Every once in a while I added more conditioner. It gradually got combed out. I slowly made progress over hours and hours, while my arms got tired. I was watching television (which I never do), so I had something else to do while I was combing. So far I’ve watched the very end of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, and Snow White and the Huntsman. I saw SWATH at the theater. It was disappointing, but not horrible, and so I was able to tolerate watching it again.

It made me think about the actress, what’s-her-face, who’s typed as a SLI, and how she had an affair with the director or whoever it was from that movie, and how supposedly Edward the vampire was an EII (I’m having trouble remembering the actors’ names and too lazy/in a hurry to look them up). I sometimes had a desire (when I was manic) to tell her that she reason she felt like she was ‘looking for something else’ was because it was a sub-optimal socionic relationship. This was just one of those fleeting urges I had during manic attacks. I read about all these people who are calling her names because she cheated on her boyfriend (things like ‘Trampire,’ and other memes circulating on the net), but I myself have sympathy for her.

Anyway, I successfully combed the lock out most of the way to the top. I did not comb it out completely, and I left a little bit of the root still locked, for a couple of inches or so. It’s gotten locked in with the entire mat of hair, the gigantic mono-lock that my hair has become. Shampooing caused that to happen. At first, I wasn’t shampooing my hair at all, which was what caused it to lock. While doing decontaminations and getting the cigarette smoke out of my hair from an incident a while back, I had to shampoo it, and as soon as I shampooed it, it started locking all of the individual locks together into one huge one. So now I know what causes that, and I have faith that if I stop shampooing it will gradually start to develop new smaller locks again (I mean, over a period of decades, not in an instant) around the edges, which will attract more hairs to them instead of to the giant mat. I don’t like it being in one giant mat, which is why I’ve experimented with unlocking it. It’s so thick that I cannot even scratch an itch through it in some places. But it loosens up if I go for several weeks without shampooing, and I know it would loosen up a lot more if I went several months again, like I had done originally.

So now I have this lock which is partly uncombed. I shampooed all the conditioner out and just left it unconditioned, which means that now it’s all rough and staticky.

I collected enormous wads of hair while combing out this lock. All the short little hairs that disconnected from the scalp had tangled into the lock, just as I always said they would do, and stayed in there permanently, taking up space and adding lots of thickness. The remaining hair after I’ve combed it out is *extremely* thin. There is barely any hair left at all, and the lock was much thicker. I know my hair used to be thin, but I had forgotten just how extremely thin it was. The locks have added a huge amount of volume to my hair.

Did I like the way it felt to do this? Kind of, but not really. I like knowing that I’m able to comb them out if I choose to do so. It really would work, and I know I have the patience to do it. That makes me feel good. However, I also had just a teensy, teensy bit of that ‘traumatized’ feeling that you get after you chop off your hair and you suddenly regret it and wish you hadn’t, but can’t undo what you’ve done. It wasn’t bad, it was only a teensy bit of a feeling, just a little bit of a warning telling me ‘you probably shouldn’t keep doing this.’ So I am not going to unlock any more of them.

It changed the way I felt when I interacted with people in public. I have gotten used to everyone in public looking at me like I am gross and scary, that homeless lady whom everyone recognizes. (And then other random strangers will say, ‘I like your dreads.’ But I don’t necessary mean for the dreads to be liked, so I have mixed feelings about those compliments.) But now I felt like I have the potential to comb them out and look more normal, and I know it would change the way people look at me in public.

So I was at Sheetz buying something to eat, and the lady behind the cash register gave me the ‘Ick, you’re gross’ vibes, and suddenly I had a different feeling about it. This is hard to explain. I had the awareness that I *could* comb out my hair and look more normal, and I realized I *didn’t want to*. I didn’t want to comb out my hair to please this lady behind the counter, some random stranger who doesn’t understand me and my life and why I do the things I do and what it means to me. She was giving me nothing in return, in terms of physical appearance, nothing for me to enjoy when I looked at her. I love looking at long haired natural looking women, not in a sexual way, but admiring their beauty, and she did not give me that, so why should I give her anything in terms of physical beauty to look at? She would never value anything I valued or do anything for me personally.

I suddenly valued my locks more than I had originally. I felt like they meant something to me and I didn’t want to get rid of them. I understood what they meant more than I had before. It was a brief and fleeting emotion which I can’t describe. It made me feel stronger somehow and more sure of what I wanted. I didn’t have the urge to tell her, ‘Oh, don’t worry, I’m in the process of combing out my locks and soon I’m going to look good again.’ I didn’t have the urge to apologize for my locks or to promise to her or anyone else that I would soon be ‘fixed.’

I don’t have much more time to write, since I have to go to work.

The unlocked hair is having a problem: it’s getting all staticky and flying around everywhere. I had forgotten about that phenomenon! Yesterday at work I did something to my hair which triggered the unlocked piece to become electrified and spread out and upwards into the air and in all directions, sticking against me and my clothing. So I braided it into a tiny little braid, for now. I’ll decide later what I’m going to do with it. My locks are natural neglect locks, so I don’t tangle them deliberately into locks. I let them tangle themselves.

I guess I have to get ready for work now. I’ve had a lot of coffee, which is making me want to write a lot.

It’s going to be warm today and tomorrow. Maybe this is it. I was half-jokingly predicting that we were going to get a snowstorm once a week for the entire month of April, but that might not happen after all. Maybe spring is really here and I will be able to do my outdoor work and finish the decontamination and move on with my life.

perfectionism

April 3, 2013

And also if I skipped a day I failed.
And if I didn’t know about it until it had already started I failed.

And if I don’t use some kind of meter I fail.

So, I have already done all of those things.
Why would I do it again?

And if I have already written a junky one in one day
then I can’t write another better one that same day.

I’ll do it again even though I’ve already failed and broken all the rules.

All I need to do is eat a magic food, without making any difficult lifestyle changes.

April 2, 2013

5:56 PM 4/2/2013

I’m supposed to be going home and sleeping, but I’m still awake and writing. I bought some soup from the Thai food place and I’m waiting for it to cool down. I suspect that it’s made with boiling water, because when you get it it’s so hot that it’s inedible for, like, an entire hour. It’s also full of hot spices, which make it almost intolerable. I eat this particular soup because I believe it’s the best one available from that restaurant, however, I always complain about it when I get it, too. It’s dumbed-down Thai food, not real Thai food. Real Thai food contains insects, for instance, and it doesn’t contain a bunch of popular American vegetables. I want to eat something that a Thai hunter-gatherer would have eaten a thousand years ago. When I eat shrimp, I want the heads to still be on. (I discovered this recently at the Chinese buffet where I sometimes go – one day, they had shrimp with the heads still on.) I want the foods to contain more fat, not less fat. I want the broths to be the slow-cooked bone broths that remove the calcium from the bones and from the shells of the seafood. But none of that is available at the dumbed-down Thai place. So I get this instead, and then I gripe about it, and I sit there waiting an entire hour for it to reach an edible temperature.

I’m noticing the ‘magic foods’ concept everywhere. I picked up a magazine while waiting for my soup, and I read that celery contains a chemical that helps with memory problems, chocolate’s theobromine is a cough suppressant, and something else which I forgot. It will *always* be a vegetable or fruit, and it will *never* be an animal or insect product. It will always be a popular American vegetable available in mainstream grocery stores. It will never be an esoteric vegetable from a foreign country, unless that particular product is already being heavily promoted and sold by some company, like when goji berries suddenly became the big ‘in’ thing. No one had ever heard of goji berries before, and suddenly they were everywhere, the new miracle food, the cure for everything. The new miracle food will never be ‘batwing broth’ or ‘hawk eyeballs’ or ‘goat testicles.’ It will never be ‘earthworm soup’ or ‘dried caterpillars.’

I looked at a book on Amazon about special foods. Again, it was the ‘magic food’ concept. You look through this book, and you find one or two particular foods that you happen to like. ‘Hey! I love bananas! Bananas cure cancer! I’m gonna live forever!’ You find something that you already enjoy eating, and then reassure yourself that it’s doing something magically good for you. Or you find something that you enjoy eating, which you are already familiar with, but you usually don’t eat very often, and you say, ‘I’m gonna start eating more bananas every day now!’ It makes you feel like you have the power to do something.

But… heaven forbid they should tell you that you are going to have to change YOUR ENTIRE DIET AND YOUR ENTIRE LIFESTYLE IN HUGE, DIFFICULT, FUNDAMENTAL WAYS. Just eating one magic food will do the trick!

You’re having memory problems because you’re on ten different pharmaceutical drugs and you never sleep more than an hour each night and you’re an alcoholic. But rest assured, all you need to do is eat a stick of celery once a day, and you’ll get your memory back! Celery helps memory! You don’t need to make any really DIFFICULT lifestyle changes. You don’t need to give up pharmaceutical drugs or recreational drugs. You don’t need to avoid the millions of toxic chemicals in your house and in your food and in your cosmetics and lotions – oh no, that would require giving too much up. And if you weren’t buying those things, the corporations that sell them wouldn’t get rich.

All you need to do is eat a stick of celery to fix that memory problem. The all-powerful stick of celery will combat everything that’s wrong in your life, and you don’t need to *bother* with making any difficult or inconvenient lifestyle changes, and you don’t need to stop purchasing *essential* products sold in the stores, and you don’t need to give up your status symbols and makeup and all your favorite foods or anything at all. No effort is required of you – just eat the magic food and it will all get better.

Not only that, but you don’t have to eat ALL the magic foods listed in the books and magazines. You only have to just pick and choose one or two of them, familiar things that you already like, and maybe possibly one or two interesting items that you’ve never tried before, maybe, like artichokes. (Rule: Always a plant product.) Then, you can go home and eat a bunch of artificially flavored artificially colored preservative-filled microwave TV dinners. But no worries, you’ve done enough by merely adding a banana or a stick of celery to your diet.

But, on the other hand, if you changed your entire diet, gave up everything, gave up all processed foods, and just started eating nothing but fresh vegetables, then yes, you probably would notice a lot of health improvements. You’re eating all 600 of the magic foods every day, not just one or two of them occasionally. All of them together have enough nutrients, phytonutrients, mystery nutrients, and unknown natural chemicals in them that it will do *something* to improve your health. And that is probably where the belief in vegetarianism comes from. When people switch from ‘microwave TV dinners’ to ‘nothing but fresh vegetables,’ they will indeed see a big difference in how they feel.

Something good about vegetarians: I appreciate their commitment, their willpower, their total involvement in the lifestyle, and their willingness to make changes and go against the mainstream lifestyle. They’re not just the casual I’ll-eat-a-stick-of-celery-once-in-a-while-if-I’m-having-memory-problems level of commitment. I’m referring to the blogger vegetarians, that is, the ones that take pretty pictures of all the special meals that they are cooking. I understand that not every vegetarian is involved that much.

But anyway, so that’s what I realized when looking in these books and magazines about the magic foods. The idea is: You don’t have to make any difficult changes. You don’t need to go against the rest of society. You don’t need to expend any effort. All you have to do is eat this magic food (always a fruit or vegetable product) to get the magic result, regardless of what is causing your health problem in the first place.

And there’s chocolate. Always chocolate.

Several years ago, actually many years ago, I decided to quit chocolate and also all other sources of caffeine. I didn’t drink coffee back then, but I might occasionally drink tea, so I quit tea as well. I also didn’t drink soda back then. Mostly, I just gave up chocolate. It was an addiction, and it was very hard to give up.

But I was able to quit eating chocolate. And it just so happens that I did this during a time in my life when I was getting plenty of high-fat foods, easily and instantly. I was eating in the college cafeteria, and for a while, I was drinking whole milk. During that time, it was easy to give up chocolate. I still had other sources of fat. I still had plenty of food overall.

Many vegetarian authors, bloggers, and magic-food promoters advocate, or downright worship, chocolate. And also, they talk about it as though this is something to be proud of, rather than an addiction to a drug. There are indeed drugs in chocolate. Theobromine, theophylline, and caffeine are considered to be ‘drugs.’

It’s hard to define exactly what a drug is, when there are millions of plant chemicals with millions of different subtle effects on the body. The definition of a drug might be somewhat arbitrary. It might not be all that different from a poison or a phytonutrient. But even so, those are defined as ‘drugs,’ and they are in chocolate, but many people proudly brag about their addiction to chocolate, because chocolate is a socially acceptable drug.

If someone is constantly tired and exhausted, then an addiction to stimulants is a way of compensating for that.

Not only that, but vegetarians often don’t get enough saturated fats, and chocolate contains fat. When someone talks about how desperately they are craving chocolate, it indicates that they want some kind of stimulant drug and they want fats. It suggests that they are too tired all the time and that they aren’t getting enough fats in their diet either.

But chocolate is one of the most popular magic foods promoted in magazines and books and elsewhere. Chocolate can supposedly fix just about anything that’s wrong with you. It is a cure-all. There are a million different things that chocolate can supposedly do for you. All excuses that make you feel better about ‘indulging’ in it.

I have to go home and sleep, but I’m not ready to sleep yet. I have to get up early tomorrow. I just keep thinking of more things I want to write, because I have had tons of caffeine today. Quitting caffeine is going to happen again in the near future, when I get several other situations fixed, including my food situation. (For anyone who doesn’t know me yet, I’m sleeping in a tent, I don’t have a place to cook my food or store it at the moment, and I have a bunch of messes that need to be cleaned up, but I am waiting till it gets just a little bit warmer so that I can work outside. It’s supposed to start getting warm this Thursday.) I am going to quit caffeine completely before I get pregnant.

I am so sick of waiting for the weather to get warm, but I can’t do work outside when my hands and fingers are getting frostbitten. It is extremely frustrating. Everyone is complaining because spring won’t start, and we keep getting more snow and more freezing temperatures, and winter just goes on and on and on. However, it really will get warm this Thursday… and I expect it will stay warm from then on. It just can’t possibly keep going like this.

No loitering in the laundromat; the Brewer Diet for eclampsia during pregnancy; what kinds of special diets am I interested in? and, what kind of vegetarian diet might I approve of?

April 2, 2013

2:11 PM 4/2/2013

Only a couple days ago I noticed the sign that says ‘No Loitering’ in the laundromat. Good thing that rule isn’t being enforced. I have been spending a lot of time here using the wifi.

I recently discovered the Brewer Diet. It prevents eclampsia during pregnancy. http://www.drbrewerpregnancydiet.com. Women sometimes get rising blood pressure, convulsions, and then death, for unknown reasons (unknown to people who are ignorant of nutrition, that is), during pregnancy. High blood pressure during pregnancy is taken very seriously and is seen as a very bad sign.

I am interested in collecting special diets, and I’m noticing that my special diets have some things in common.

Let’s imagine that there’s something called the Vinegar Diet. This is both real and hypothetical. There really are special diets where people use vinegar as a medicinal substance. Maybe it works, and maybe it doesn’t, and I’ve never tried it.

But I can already tell you that I would be less inclined to notice or pay attention to something called ‘The Vinegar Diet,’ based on past experience. I’m not really interested in the technique of focusing on one particular magic food which is supposed to have some kind of beneficial effects.

There are millions of other diets similar to this. Some of them are legitimate, and they probably do work, at least a little bit. Every day I read some new article about how some particular vegetable or fruit has anti-cancer properties, or blood pressure lowering properties, and so on. And the same is true of medicinal herbs. Medicinal herbs really do have medicinal effects on the body, although they also have side effects and poisons too – natural doesn’t mean safe.

I remember someone once told me about ‘The Pineapple Diet.’ You’re just supposed to eat tons of pineapple. I think it’s supposed to help you lose weight. (I don’t remember if it worked for him or not.) He told me that it caused his teeth to develop cavities quicker than any diet he had ever eaten. This particular person was also interested in using things like honey and vinegar as medicinal substances, by the way.

And again, I don’t want to say that these techniques don’t work at all. They do have *some* kind of effect. Eating one particular food instead of another food will always have some kind of effect. I’m just not really interested in that approach. It’s a legitimate approach, but it’s not the approach that I myself am interested in.

The Brewer Diet is more like the type of diet that I’m interested in. Dr. Brewer observed that malnourished, poor women developed pre-eclampsia and eclampsia, or toxemia, during pregnancy much much more often than wealthy, well-fed women did. Here is an example of some of the worst case scenarios that he found when he researched what the poor women were eating:

http://www.drbrewerpregnancydiet.com/id74.html

Menu I

Breakfast:
3 tablespoons grits
1 tablespoon butter
2 pieces of toast
1 cup coffee

Lunch: 1 candy bar
1 apple
1 soft drink

Dinner:
No dinner

*******

Menu II

Breakfast:
No breakfast

Lunch:
1 root beer
2 plates field peas
4 biscuits (large)

Dinner:
1/2 plate water gravy
1 1/2 plates fried okra
2 biscuits (large)

*******

Those women were getting hardly any protein at all. And when they ate carbohydrates, they were eating low-nutrition carbohydrates, just things like biscuits and toast, which I assume were made from white flour, or grits. Someone ate some peas and okra, which are okay, but that’s not enough for a pregnant woman. Someone ate an apple, and I just mentioned the other day that apples are not a miracle health food, even when they’re still fresh. They don’t have a lot of vitamins in them to begin with, although they have more when fresh. Still, again, it’s not enough.

This website mentions a perspective which I myself have noticed, but didn’t have the words to describe. It’s a view that a fetus is just a ‘parasite’ in the body, and that it will somehow steal all the nutrients it needs from you, regardless of what you eat, and it’s ‘genetically programmed’ to grow to a certain size, and its DNA guarantees that it will reach that size no matter what you do. This is a belief system, a set of assumptions and attitudes and ways of seeing things, which is common nowadays.

The same is true about breastfeeding. I’ve read some websites where the authors reassure mothers that no matter what they do, no matter what they eat, their breast milk will inevitably be perfect for their baby, and there is nothing they can possibly do wrong to reduce the quality of the breast milk.

My parents also had similar beliefs about diet. They believed ‘All of our food is fortified with vitamins anyway, so what’s the point of taking extra vitamins? No one can ever be malnourished in modern society.’ It’s a lackadaisical attitude, a ‘nutritional nonchalance,’ as Brewer calls it. It’s this belief that everything will automatically come out all right regardless of what you do.

I like the Brewer Diet because it troubleshoots the causes of a problem that other people have been unable to solve. Instead of just treating the symptoms as they occur – oh no! someone’s blood pressure is rising! let’s give her a bunch of diuretics to lower her blood pressure! – instead of doing that, the Brewer Diet has figured out what causes a woman to develop eclampsia in the first place, and he explains what the body is trying to do, and what you have to do to prevent it from happening. The body needs extra blood while you’re pregnant, and if you don’t get enough nutrients to produce the extra blood in your body, then your body raises the blood pressure to try to circulate what little blood you have more forcefully, to make the same blood work harder.

So this diet advocates holistic, all-around better nutrition, instead of focusing on one or two particular magic foods that are supposed to have special effects. And again, I’m not saying that those magic foods don’t do anything. It is actually true that each and every food has some kind of special effect, although it’s not always very noticeable. But I’m interested in diets that talk about general principles, general rules you should follow, to prevent particular problems.

And yet, I still have some assumptions which I’m not willing to question. I am still pro-omnivorous diets, and reluctant to accept vegetarian diets. I did some google searches and I found people who claimed that vegan diets prevented eclampsia, the exact opposite of what the Brewer diet is saying. I didn’t find any data that were as thorough and well-written as the Brewer website – I only saw some people who briefly mentioned in an offhand way that vegan diets prevented eclampsia, as though it was just something they had once heard somebody say.

However, there might be grains of truth in this. First, the ‘vegan diets’ that internet bloggers are writing about are *nowhere near* the same thing as the ‘starving vegan diets’ that extremely poor people are eating. Extremely poor people might be eating more of a bread-and-water type vegan diet. It’s definitely vegan! But it’s not at all the same thing as the internet blogger vegan diet.

The blogger vegan diet has all kinds of beautiful, colorful, fancy fresh fruits and vegetables delivered from all over the world all year long, things that look pretty when you take pictures of them. There are never any periods of bread-and-water style veganism. All year long, they are still eating better than the starving bread-and-water people, getting more nutrition in general, even if they still don’t get enough protein, fat, or particular vitamins like B12. This is still a wealthy person’s diet with a relatively high amount of nutrition.

I’ve decided that the reason why it’s possible to find lots of vegetarians who still seem to be relatively healthy is because of this, because of the fresh vegetables being delivered from all over the world all year long, because of their generally high level of wealth.

What people call the ‘SAD diet,’ the Standard American Diet, is really not a ‘standard.’ You can’t really refer to everyone’s diet as being the same. Even people who are eating an ‘unconscious’ diet, where they have no particular knowledge about nutrition and don’t make conscious choices about their foods, but instead just eat whatever is visible and available and familiar (or unfamiliar, if you’re like me and you love to try new things) and looks good to them, even those people will still have a lot of variation in which foods they prefer. And a lot of it depends on wealth. If you’re buying food with food stamps, if you’re on welfare, you’re going to eat a lot of packaged pasta and that kind of thing. If you’re wealthy, you’re going to try more of the fresh meats, fruits, and vegetables. So the SAD diet is not all the same. Not everyone who eats the SAD diet will have the same health problems or the same types of malnourishment.

So even though I don’t really *like* to read stories about vegans who appear to be really healthy, I have to admit that it happens, and it happens because they are still eating a variety of whole foods which they have enough money to afford all year long. It is possible to eat diets that are even worse than that.

(I have battles with ‘the voices,’ actually – they tend to be more uncomfortable and uncertain than I am whenever I read things that contradict what I believe is true.)

Still, I do often see hints of illness when I read vegan blogs. But I tend to look for those things and expect them and easily remember them when I see them, because I’m biased. I notice it every time a vegan mother complains about how utterly exhausted and miserable she is in the weeks after giving birth, while I myself am expecting that I will just bounce right back up and continue functioning as normal… and I haven’t been able to test this, yet.

(There’s a reason why I expect this. I’ve read about the primitive Inuit and their mostly meat-and-fat centered diet – although they do have fruits and vegetables in the summer. The Inuit used to live a nomadic lifestyle. Their women would just give birth while traveling. They’d all be walking along or riding their dog sleds and doing lots of walking and running, and during all this hard, exhausting travel, the pregnant women would just run along with them, spend a couple of hours giving birth, and then get right back up again and keep on traveling. Giving birth was viewed as no big deal – not something that required months and months and months to recover from. Recovery was immediate.)

I think I will go ahead and post this, but I will probably write again later. I feel like there’s something I forgot to say or haven’t finished saying yet.

One thing I’ve been thinking is this: If you try any kind of special diet at all, no matter what it is, even if it has flaws and weaknesses and problems, it is still most likely to be better than a bread-and-water diet, or a starvation-and-poverty diet. Even diets based on ideas that are not true (I’d have to research this a bit more, but I think I remember reading that the entire idea of the macrobiotic diet is flawed somehow, and I just don’t remember any details about it, but that’s an example) (*Edit – actually, the macrobiotic diet is not too horribly bad, now that I read about it, and I like the idea that it tells you to pay attention to the symptoms caused by eating particular foods.*) might still be better than the Standard American Diet, if they emphasize eating more whole foods instead of packaged junk foods. Just about any special diet at all is an improvement if it emphasizes eating more natural foods and whole foods instead of processed packaged foods, and so it’s kind of okay to eat a diet that’s ‘wrong’ or ‘flawed’ somehow – it might still be better than making no effort at all to change, control, or improve your diet. And people who are eating special diets might possibly be more inclined to pay attention to their health and notice what symptoms they are having (although not necessarily). Just paying any kind of attention to your health at all might be better than nothing.

It’s hard to do anything worse than the bread-and-water diets of poor starving people, and that’s why all these various diets do seem to still work relatively well: all the diets are still good enough that you won’t drop dead instantly from trying them. You can get away with it at least for a while. But if you do the bread-and-water worst case scenario diets, you will notice a massive loss of health very quickly. It’s easy to notice that something is very wrong on that kind of diet.

But the malnourishment on other diets is more subtle and complicated and harder to notice, and the effects take longer to manifest. That’s the reason why diets become religions. No one can really prove or disprove them for a long time. You have to do the diet for years before you finally decide that it’s not working for you. And some people will never decide that it’s not working for them.

And some people will have special needs that make it so, for instance, a vegetarian diet might actually be better for them – but that’s a whole separate issue which is going to require a lot of research on my part. I’m still very reluctant to believe that it could be better for anyone. I would have to explicitly name the beliefs and assumptions and values that are getting in the way and blocking me from accepting this concept, and that will take a lot of meditation. What criteria must the diet meet in order to be acceptable? Why is it such a bad thing? Why is the very idea of it rejected from the start?

The point is that I really like the Brewer Diet, and it doesn’t contradict any of my other diets – it fits very well with the Weston Price Diet – and it adds new knowledge, because it specifically focuses on preventing eclampsia.

I can answer one question that I asked in the paragraph above. If a vegetarian diet is going to meet my criteria, the first thing it will have to do is STOP WORSHIPPING SOY. Soy is not a miracle food. There are many harmful consequences from eating too much soy and relying on it too much. As long as the diet does not enshrine the soy plant as some magical, all-powerful panacea, then I will be more tolerant of it. Soy is popular because the government declared that It Shalt Henceforth Be Popular. It’s exactly like the incident in Atlas Shrugged – that pretty much is exactly how it happened – some popular politician decided to do some favors for his political cronies who would get rich quick if they could sell lots of soy. And everyone lived happily ever after, the end. That is the reality of soy. It’s popular because somebody somewhere decided to brainwash everyone into believing it’s a miracle food. It is not. If I see a vegetarian diet where they acknowledge that soy is not a magic food, then I will be less reluctant to accept the validity of that particular diet.

I would be pleased if they had researched other vegetables in foreign countries to try to find some replacement for soy – for instance, mung beans might be okay (I don’t know anything about them, I just know that mung beans are made into various things like noodles). They should not limit themselves to only the familiar foods found in US grocery stores. If they are knowledgeable about a wide variety of fruits and vegetables from all different continents and cultures around the world, if they are realistic about them and don’t proclaim any particular one to be a ‘magic food that can do no wrong,’ then I will be more tolerant of that diet. For example, I myself have eaten quinoa and enjoyed it (although I regret reading that now the sale of quinoa is destroying the economy of the countries that it comes from – this phenomenon results from global trade and the inflation of the US dollar – and now that country is so poor that the people themselves can no longer afford the quinoa that they used to rely on).

I myself do not accept wholly the Weston Price diet as it’s described on the internet and in books by many authors – for instance, I advise against using cod liver oil. Cod liver oil causes many adverse reactions and health problems and I think it is too dangerous to use. The principle remains: you need to get the vitamins that are contained in cod liver oil. I just recommend getting them some other way. People worship cod liver oil as the magic food in the Weston Price circles, and I don’t agree with them, but I still agree with the basic principles of the diet, and I very strongly agree with what it’s trying to accomplish – preventing body, brain, and mouth deformities, and preventing and healing cavities.

Okay, I just thought of a couple more criteria for the diet.

1. The diet must not worship soy as a magic food. It must be realistic about the consequences of eating soy, and must be knowledgeable about the history of how soy became popular, and how it remains popular (through government subsidies), in the USA. (And the users of the diet should not be predominantly in favor of government subsidies – they should support a free market.)

2. The diet must not rely on vitamin and mineral supplements from pills. It must provide all nutrients in the form of whole foods.

3. The foods CAN be processed in some way to make them more edible – in other words, they do not have to be all raw, for instance – but I don’t want them processed by chemicals in a factory. It has to be something that one or two people can do by themselves at home on a desert island without using chemicals and tools purchased from a manufacturing economy. It has to be self-reliant.

4. Ideally, it would be desirable if this diet could be grown locally in one small place without any global trade. You could bring in foreign plants as long as they were able to grow in that particular climate. However, there will always be some things that need to brought in from outside, such as salt, things which absolutely cannot be found in some areas. The diet must be aware of soil mineral deficiencies in a local region, too, so that they know which trace minerals they need to import from elsewhere. This diet must be something that primitive people are capable of doing without a manufacturing economy. Primitive people did indeed use long-distance trade, but nowhere near as much as we do, and they could not rely on it completely, but instead still had to use materials that were primarily local.

5. Ideally, this vegetarian diet should be SO GOOD that it’s able to grow people who are just as large and strong as people eating an omnivorous diet. That’s going to be a hard criteria to meet! Children who grow up vegan, from infancy onwards (actually, from pre-conception and onwards, if the mother continuously ate a vegan diet before conceiving the child), are smaller than omnivorous children.

Even wild animals who are generally known to be herbivores will occasionally eat meat. I’ll have to go searching for the references to this. I read anecdotes online about people who had seen a whitetail deer eating a piece of steak off someone’s plate. I’ve read elsewhere that deer will sometimes eat birds or carrion, if I recall. Herbivorous animals are not perfectly ‘guiltless.’ And they also eat insects in the plants that they eat all the time, whereas human vegans do not, since our food is all cleaned off before it goes to the grocery store, and insect-eating is usually taboo even among human omnivores.

I’ll probably think of a few more criteria.

Edit:

4:06 PM 4/2/2013

More criteria:

6. The diet must not worship everything ‘natural’ as being somehow perfect or safe. Natural foods can be poisonous. Tobacco is natural. Ephedra is natural. Snake venom is natural. Many natural things are poisonous. They must be realistic about the fact that even vegetables don’t want to be eaten. I don’t enjoy reading the websites where they claim that vegetables were all put here by God, for us, for the taking. They were not. They are living creatures that want to protect themselves against being eaten.

7. I’d like to see a vegan diet that acknowledged the existence of salicylates, as described by the Feingold Diet. Salicylates can cause behavior and mood problems for some people.

8. If the diet was designed to compensate for people who truly, absolutely could not eat animal products, I’d be more inclined to tolerate it, but I must be convinced that this disorder is real. I’m not entirely convinced, for instance, that people who have gout must absolutely avoid eating purine. Some people say that the purine-free diet is not helpful, and they say that alcohol really is the biggest trigger of gout. Ideally, people who have gout should still be able to eat some kind of meats. But there might be some genetic disorders where people could not metabolize something properly, and if a vegan diet was designed to compensate for that, I might want to know about it.

NO PoWriMo

April 2, 2013

12:39 PM 4/2/2013

I refuse to participate in NaPoWriMo.
The battle of wills makes my writing too slow.
The truths I would write are too far away.
And I’d have to find one truth every day.

The one nice thought that might make me inclined
is: everyone else’s poem is just as bad as mine.
But can those other people really relate
to my feelings of misery, frustration, and hate?

I expect a better future. I’ve waited so long.
When the time comes I’ll express my joy in a song.
Until then I’ll just sit here and twiddle my thumbs
and write a quick ditty, just something kinda dumb.

Rebuttal of the idea that wind power is bad for the global atmosphere.

April 1, 2013

I read an article where someone talked about how wind power could be harmful to the environment. I wrote a long response yesterday but I’ll post it here instead of commenting on the article. I’d want to shorten this a lot if I commented. I wrote this while on a lot of caffeine.

I still believe that wind power is one of the least environmentally harmful methods of creating electricity and mechanical power. I think there are a few mistaken assumptions behind the belief that it might harm the environment.

First, one assumption is that ‘wind power’ is all one monolithic thing which is everywhere the same in all circumstances. Someone might assume that when we talk about ‘wind power,’ we are always talking about a huge, gigantic array of dozens of large windmills which provide electricity for people who live elsewhere. There’s no need to assume that the only method of making wind power is to let some large corporation build an entire field of gigantic windmills and then send the power far away to the houses. There are many other ways of using wind power besides that.

Individual people can build their own windmills at their own houses, if only the government’s zoning laws will let them. These windmills can be very small and could create only a little bit of electricity, or they could also create mechanical power to pump the water up from a well (the way windmills were used in the past) and the people in the houses could voluntarily choose to only use a little bit of electricity for just a few essential things. A bunch of small, homemade windmills would not be the same thing as a large field of enormous windmills at a wind farm.

If you planted a huge forest of trees, that would also create a ‘wind shadow’ the same way a wind farm would do. Tree branches and tree leaves interfere with the flow of wind. Would you say it’s bad, then, to plant a big forest of trees? Would you say it’s good to cut down a huge forest of trees because that forest is creating a wind shadow which is going to interfere with global weather patterns? I don’t think you would.

I think that this particular worry is blown out of proportion. Every object everywhere creates a wind shadow and thereby interferes with global wind patterns. (When a butterfly flaps its wings in China…) Just because something changes the wind patterns does not necessarily mean that it’s going to cause global damage to be done.

There are some things that cause more damage than other things. Wind patterns on the ground being changed by a wind farm is not as bad as, say, upper atmosphere wind patterns being changed by a gigantic manmade wall hundreds of miles high (which doesn’t exist yet, but just hypothetically if we built one).

There are natural ‘walls’ that are extremely high, which already exist: mountain ranges. Mountain ranges block the flow of wind and direct the wind into other places. They also prevent moisture from reaching certain areas, so that a wall of mountains might create a desert in its wind shadow. This is a naturally occurring event, and yet, we do not usually say that we must go and bulldoze all the mountains down because they are blocking the flow of the wind across the surface of the earth. Instead, we just get used to the presence of the mountain range there, and we get used to the effects that the mountain range has in its wind shadow. That mountain range was ‘built’ a long time ago, and we’ve forgotten that it’s there and that it’s already affecting the existing wind patterns.

In comparison, the wind shadow from a field full of windmills is *nothing* compared to the wind shadow from a gigantic mountain range. The wind can still flow on the ground below the windmills. The windmills do not raise the air up to a higher elevation, the way a wall of mountains does. They slow it down a little bit and they cause some turbulence, and that is all.

And that’s all talking about a big large field full of windmills. What if you were alone at your little house and you wanted to build your own windmill, but you were worried that your own little individual windmill would cause harm to the global weather patterns? That would be a disproportionate concern. It would be similar to growing one large tree in your backyard. If someone read the article that claimed wind power would be disastrous for the environment, they might remember that, and go home and feel guilty about building a small windmill, and so they might say, ‘Nah, I’m not gonna build that windmill – it’s too harmful to the environment.’ It causes people to feel helpless to do anything at all. If wind power is terrible for the environment, then there is just nothing that anybody anywhere can do at all, and so we just have to sit down and die, or something.

People wouldn’t even need so much electricity for their houses all year long if only they would build houses that did not have running water. If you have water pipes in the walls of your house, then you need to keep those pipes warm all year long so that they do not freeze and burst and cause damage. Without those water pipes, you could let your house get colder in the winter, and use lots of thick blankets and layers of clothing to keep warm, and just build the walls with lots of insulation (like bales of straw, for instance).

Houses do not need to be so big. A tiny cottage is easier to keep warm than a large mansion. Build a tiny house deeply insulated with straw bales and with no water pipes in the walls, and you won’t have to heat it in the winter at all, which will drastically reduce your need for electricity. Build your own small windmill at home, and charge a battery with it, and use that battery for your minimal electricity needs.

You don’t even need that gigantic field of huge windmills made by a big monopolistic ‘public utility’ corporation. You just need your own small windmill which has less effect on the windflow than a big tree.

A mealy apple reminded me of why I don’t eat apples even if they’re given to me for free.

April 1, 2013

3:42 AM 4/1/2013

I haven’t eaten apples in years, especially if they’re Red Delicious apples. I will occasionally eat yellow or green apples. I tried eating an apple off a tree that I used to pass on my way to work, back when I had to take a different route because the road was closed, but they were inedible. They were intensely sour and very hard.

Last night I got an apple because it was given away for free as a courtesy. Last time I had done that, the apple was okay. This time, it was horrible. The apple was all ‘mealy’ – that was the word my mom used to use to describe it. It had this disgusting grainy texture, sort of soft. I think that happens when the apple sits around for a long time and the pectin breaks down, or maybe it happens if the apple has been frozen.

I have hated apples for a long time. I was always just sick of them because they were boring and so common. I also hated them when they were mealy. I hated them because they were flavorless. But what I learned in my nutrition class in college was the last straw.

Apples are touted as ‘healthy.’ I’m not fooled by this anymore. McDonald’s and other fast food restaurants advertise apples as a healthy alternative to french fries, but in reality, they choose apples because apples are the cheapest garbage fruits available on the market.

In nutrition class I was told that apples have almost no nutritional value whatsoever, except a few calories. For all practical purposes, you might as well just eat a bunch of sugar instead of an apple. The vitamins in apples, if there are even any vitamins in there to begin with, are destroyed when the apples sit for months and months and months and months and months and months and months, in a warehouse somewhere. The apples are not sold the very instant they are picked off the tree. By the time you get your apple, it has been sitting somewhere for an extremely long time while all of its nutrients slowly oxidize.

I googled this, and found this blog post: http://blog.fooducate.com/2010/12/15/are-you-buying-old-food-at-the-grocery-store/. Something was wrong with the page, and every time it finished loading, everything on it would disappear and the page would be white, but I was finally able to see the page when I hit ‘escape’ before it was finished loading. I might have spyware again – I constantly have spyware, it’s just not always a problem. Anyway, if you can get that page to appear at all, you’ll see that they say apples are sometimes stored for up to a year.

Eating food that isn’t fresh really is bad for you. I’ve been learning about special diets, and there is a ‘low amine’ diet, where you have to avoid foods that have been sitting there spoiling and producing amines. That’s usually in meat.

There are many naturally occurring chemicals and vitamins in foods that decay over time or evaporate over time, sometimes rather quickly. I remember several years ago reading about something called ‘MSM,’ methylsulfonylmethane. This was an advertisement for a nutrient supplement, and maybe it was a scam, and I’d have to read about it again, but it said that MSM evaporates quickly after food is picked, so it’s hard to get it in the food at the grocery store. – Well, it’s in several places on google.

Anyway, we don’t even *know* yet what all these various food chemicals are. We don’t know every single beneficial chemical in our food. We only have a short list of essential vitamins, but there are infinity more possible chemicals that could be beneficial but not essential. Many of those chemicals will decay over time as the food is stored.

Food sitting around for an extremely long time is the inevitable result of the ‘surplus economy.’ This entire economic system, where food is produced in a huge surplus and then sold to someone, causes deterioration in the quality of food, in so many ways. Food is very old and no longer fresh, and it’s full of pesticides and other things. Government subsidies make this even worse – people overproduce because the government makes it profitable.

Anyway, after learning about that, I understood why apples were often disgusting and mealy, and I had the words to express why I tend to dislike them so much.

If you want fresh food, you have to pick it off a tree in your own backyard or out of your own garden and eat it that very day. You cannot be guaranteed fresh food from the grocery store.