Archive for September, 2011

I seem to have discovered a murdering moron in my quadra.

September 29, 2011

11:01 AM 9/29/2011

Edit: I wrote this when I was in a horrible, horrible mood because I was getting sick at the time.  Also, it turns out that this girl is probably a SLE.

Okay. I’m still having one of my reactions, by the way, which is affecting my moods. And for a variety of reasons, long story, yesterday I started ranting about a particular forum member who I strongly dislike, and in fact, I used the word ‘loathe.’

When ‘they’ woke me up this morning, they suggested that she is LSE. That theory fits perfectly with all of the data.

One-dimensional ethics (Fi). Check. It’s okay to kill people, and the only way to find out whether or not it’s okay to kill people is to go out and try it through direct experience, and that’s how we learn ‘Oh no, frownie face! Murder Sux!!! :(.’ That’s called one-dimensional ethics. One-dimensional means the only way you can learn something is through direct experience. These people join the army, which is what she did. I’ve known other LSEs who joined the army because it doesn’t occur to them that Murder Sux, Frownie Face! until they actually pull the trigger and watch it happen.

In contrast, I myself have two-dimensional ethics. I am, at least, able to learn secondhand norms by reading the rules that others have written. I know in advance that ‘murder sux!’ because I’ve read rules that say murder sux. So I already know. Unlike her, I don’t have to try it out myself firsthand.

One-dimensional consequences and depth (Ni). Check. Intolerably shallow and short-sighted, check. Yes, when you pull a trigger and shoot someone, it leads to harmful consequences. Yes, the wars going on in the middle east have a history, which, by the way, the USA is responsible for a large part of those things that are happening over there, but alas, being about as deep as a mud puddle, to you there is no history and there are no long-term causes behind it, and there is no alternative way of looking at the situation, because, as we all know, there is only one way of looking at things: the way that the mainstream USA looks at it, which is ‘We’re Good! They’re Bad! Kill them all!’ Like her one-dimensional Fi, her one-dimensional Ni can also only learn through experience that actions have consequences. So let’s go shoot some ragheads!!! Yay murder!

Four-dimensional Se, check. Willing and able to use force to assert her territory. Likes shooting guns and killing ragheads, check.

Four-dimensional Te, check. Makes decisions quickly and easily without hesitation (I know! Let’s kill some ragheads!!! Yay murder!). Knows the most effective ways to kill ragheads efficiently.

All the delta NFs love her, check. Intertype relations suggest that she is a delta ST, but I’ll be damned if she’s anything like myself. She cannot possibly be a SLI. I have never seen a stupider and more judgmental SLI in my entire life; however, if she were an LSE, it would explain everything. For whatever reason, all the delta NFs talk to her and say along with her, ‘Yay murder! Murder is awesome!!!! I <33333 murder!!! I <333 boob jobs!’ The intertype relations actually work, and so, they would not be saying how awesome she is if she were a beta ST. And I asked a beta NF how they felt about her, and he called her a bitch. (I’m calling her a bitch, too, but actually, no, that’s too nice of a word. I call her ‘murdering moron.’)

So I struggled and struggled yesterday to express what it is that I loathe about her. And when I’m having one of my drug reactions, all my angry feelings are intensified, and for whatever reason, this person’s name came up, and I had to solve the mystery. So that is why ‘they’ woke me up this morning with the LSE suggestion, which I will now put to the test. She is officially typed as LSE for now.

I’m emphasizing that the particular *content* of your beliefs isn’t type-related. For instance, some members of delta are religious, and some are atheists. Some members are also murdering morons. There are other LSEs who don’t go into the military – one of them is religious – and I can tolerate them.

It’s the content of her beliefs that bothers me. Nobody ever taught her that she’s fighting for the wrong side, fighting on the side of evil, killing that which is good and innocent and helpless and defenseless, fighting to cause more fighting, killing to cause more death. Nobody ever told her that the USA’s interventions and interference is the biggest reason why that place is at war at all.

And all the delta NFs <33333 her. And I absolutely loathe every molecule of her body and soul. So I had to figure out whether that meant 1. she was not a delta, or 2. the content of someone’s beliefs can be intolerably offensive to someone else, even if they are in your quadra. And I’m guessing it’s #2, intolerably incompatible belief systems.

The only people who can save her soul from eternal damnation are people who have four-dimensional ethics and four-dimensional forethought, to counteract her moronic evil cluelessness. Those would be EIIs. So, have fun with that.

mind control, free will, ethics

September 28, 2011

Warning: for anybody who’s not used to reading my writing, or anyone who hasn’t already been reading my blog for years and years and knows me by now, this is one of the ‘scary subjects’ blogs, which I used to write about more often in the past, and haven’t written much about lately.

***********

I gave up on ethics when I became aware that I was a puppet being controlled and forced to say things and do things. In the past, I used to read self-improvement books about good habits. But after the attacks became noticeable and severe, I would get severely harassed and tortured every time I tried to do any kind of self-improvement. For instance, the words from the books would be played and replayed in my head over and over again for hours. As in, ‘they’ forced me to hear it. I was not just hearing this myself. And then, they would watch me all day long, and if I got into a situation where I had to make some kind of ethical decision, they would torture me and FORCE me to do the thing that *they* thought was the right thing to do – and using force against someone is not ethical. It is more ethical to let someone make mistakes than it is to use electronic weapons to force them to be ethical. So everything they did was an evil mockery of ethics.

I woke up this morning hearing voices again because I was using negative epithets like ‘loser’ and ‘weirdo,’ after the ‘don’t call someone an insulting name’ incident. Those aren’t words that I myself use. Like I said, I gave up on any kind of ethics at all because I do not have free will, and a large number of the words that I write do not come from inside myself. I am constantly being attacked and controlled, 24 hours a day.

They also said that it was unethical to spread inaccurate information. They said I shouldn’t speculate about the personality types of people who I knew a very long time ago but could not look at today, because they probably were not the types that I said they were, and they suggested that maybe I could just speculate that they were some kind of ST/NF types.

I don’t bother trying to prove that mind control exists, for anyone reading this, because I’ve written about it in the past, and because trying to ‘prove that it exists’ is unimportant and irrelevant. ‘Do something about it’ is more important, and at this moment in my life, I am too busy with other things to do something about it. I would simply design a shield that works, and I would sell it to the other victims – people who I don’t need to ‘prove’ anything to, because they already believe me. Helping other victims isn’t the same as trying to prove something to the general public.

As for speculating about the types of the family who I was visiting back then, I think that they were rational. They made decisions and took actions very quickly based on hardly any information at all, and when I watched them, I was shocked at how quickly and suddenly they did things, and I actually thought it was dangerous to make decisions with so little information. Like, ‘I have an idea. Let’s paint the entire house bright yellow.’ ‘Okay, let me find the keys to the car so that I can go out to the hardware store and buy 1000 gallons of paint. See you in bit.’ (door slams.) That’s how they made decisions. It was kind of scary.

When I make a decision, I will mull it over for weeks and months while looking at the idea. (However, nowadays this is severely affected by the murderers attacking and controlling me – all of my actions, decisions, and thought processes are severely affected, so I cannot say how long it would take me to make a big decision.)

To prove that mind control is really happening to me, I would need to purchase or build expensive pieces of equipment. However, since mind control is taboo, they don’t just sell this type of equipment at Wal-Mart. I don’t know what the name of it is, and since it’s taboo, I can’t research it. The web pages are filled with useless disinformation about garbage like ‘The so-and-so group is attacking the other such-and-such group and trying to take power over the world, blah blah blah,’ instead of providing useful and helpful information about how it works and what to do about it. It’s just tons and tons of speculation about who is doing what, and why, and which groups are responsible.

If anyone ever wanted me to *already* be ethical, that will not be possible. I *had* been trying to learn it on my own, and my free will was taken away from me, and ethics does not exist without free will. I am a puppet. If someone wants to ruin a potential relationship that I am trying to form, they can force me to say something destructive that will cause the other person to permanently judge me as ‘evil’ and completely separate themselves from me forever and refuse to ever speak to me again. Good and evil behavior and/or people do not exist in a world of puppets who have no free will. So if I ever did meet anybody that I cared about and was interested in, the developing relationship would be quickly destroyed by me being forced to say and do *exactly the wrong things* over and over again, so that I would appear to be evil and extremely undesirable. I would appear to be someone of a completely different character than I actually am. I would be forced to blurt out words and statements that were hurtful to the other person, and they would be hurtful in the worst possible ways, the most damaging ways, because the murderers know exactly what the other person hates the most, and they will force me to do and say *those very things*.

Anyway about proving mind control. I would need to buy equipment that is 1. extremely expensive, 2. I don’t know what it’s called, and the garbage-filled web pages don’t tell me very much, or they tell me a few hints 3. whenever I’ve tried to read about this subject in the past, I got severely bombarded and tortured with attacks while I was reading, so that I could not read the words on the page and could not concentrate and could not understand what I was reading.

Anyway, ‘Proving that it’s real,’ to the general public, is not my mission. Researching and developing shields that work, and selling them to victims who already believe it’s real, is my priority. The victims must respond with ‘Yes, that worked! I can sleep now without having those dreams and without being forced awake at 4:00 AM!’ I am interested in ‘doing what works.’ If the shields don’t work, I would fix them and develop them more. They would have to be extensively tested. I am not interested in selling products that don’t work. I need them *myself*.

There is a situation where you do need to ‘prove that it’s happening,’ and that is if you intend to chase down the attackers and force them to stop attacking, using whatever means you have chosen.

If you choose to follow a ‘law’ pathway, then you will need to prove they are doing things that break the law, and you will need to find laws that describe how long to put them in jail for doing those things. You will need to prove that they, themselves, are *not puppets* being forced to do what they are doing, and that’s not easy to prove, but now that you know mind control exists, you also know that anybody can be attacked, including the people who attack you.

The victims’ web pages are *filled* with stories about how they ‘know’ that this or that person is the one who’s attacking them, that random strangers on the street are part of the gang, and all that. Anybody can be a puppet. Anybody can be forced. And if anybody can be forced to say something, then the ‘gang member’ at the grocery store who suddenly blurts out an insulting trigger phrase to you is not necessarily a gang member.

If you choose the ‘vigilante’ pathway, then you will need to find methods of forcing them to stop attacking, without yourself getting caught and killed or tortured.

Anything that involves interacting with the murderers will be different from building a shield. I myself have already ‘asked them nicely,’ thousands upon thousands of times, to stop attacking, and ‘asking them nicely’ doesn’t work. However, of course there will be people who want to try some kind of negotiation, once they discover for certain who the murderers are and how they are attacking. It is indeed a war.

So all of that is why I gave up on any attempt at developing my own personal ethics, although I was trying to, a long time ago. I do not have free will.

Take it as a disclaimer that I am highly likely to blurt out exactly the wrong thing at the worst possible moment, to have the most destructive effect on any relationships of any kind that I attempt to form with anyone at all. Their natural response will be to judge me as evil and ban me from their life for the rest of eternity. I’ve already had that happen – Rachael did that. So trust me, it does happen.

In high school, I got in a fistfight with a football player because he insulted my boyfriend.

September 27, 2011

My mom left me a voice message where she sang the happy birthday song, the ‘you look like a monkey version,’ except she said that I *act* like a monkey, and not that I *smell* like one. (But I probably do smell like one.) I laughed when I listened to the message. I couldn’t get the message for a while because 1. my phone ran out of minutes, and 2. the phone battery was dead and I had to recharge it. So I finally got to listen to the message.

It made me want to go visit WV again. I am able to visit WV on my three days off work without actually scheduling any time off, although I could schedule maybe one day off. However, if I went there, I would be exposed to Paxil residue.

Not long after Dad helped me clean out my apartment, he was diagnosed with very high blood pressure. My reaction to this is ‘Duh, I told you so,’ but I can’t explain that to him. He is covered in the residue that causes high blood pressure, which I myself also had all over me, and I had quite a few incidents of unusually high blood pressure and other heart problems. He and Mom both got this all over them when they were touching all my belongings. But I gave up hope on trying to explain anything to them, and I was just trying to survive, and I was being semi-evicted from that apartment (this was a couple years ago) so I just had to get out in a hurry.

And it’s not true to say my reaction is ‘duh,’ because in reality, I have no glee or smugness whatsoever in being right. It just makes me anxious and frustrated and hopeless. I don’t want people to be injured in order to prove that I’m right, and Dad having attacks of extremely high blood pressure, and proving me ‘right,’ does not fix the fact that he now is in danger from high blood pressure.

So he’s on drugs now too, and so is mom – she’s the one using Paxil. After I visit them, I become really weird for a few weeks, being very aggressive in my self-improvement, until I clean all the Paxil off me and my clothes.

I was about to go to bed, but then I decided to see this lame-ass movie again. I keep joking about how lame it is, but in reality I enjoyed it. I just realize from an outsider’s point of view that the movie would seem lame if you were expecting a ‘real’ horror movie. This is more of a children’s movie or a suspense movie, but it is not very violent and not very scary – although it does have some scary moments. The monsters seem to be ‘weak’ and not powerful and not threatening, but then again, they are magical creatures and they must obey their own magical laws, whatever those are. So their weakness is part of their character.

‘Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark’ – it is very obviously a Delta Quadra movie and I’ve been joking about how this movie should be used as a test to see if someone has the true Delta spirit, because only a Delta could sit through this whole movie and enjoy it. And yeah, there was one other couple there last time, and they walked out and did not come back! I haven’t read any reviews of the movie, but I expect them to be awful.

I have to wait a while before the movie starts. But I definitely wanted to see it again before it stops playing – and I don’t expect them to keep it around for long. I have to pay full price now, because the dollar theatre is closed. >:-(

When I was in high school, there was a new guy who came to our school, named Chris, and he was weird and a loser. I quickly got a crush on this guy after talking to him a couple of times. He moved in to the house up the street from me.

On the bus, one of the football guys started making fun of him. They got a whole group of people to shout ‘Change your shirt, faggot!’ because he always wore the same sweatshirt over top of another shirt underneath. I knew that he did, actually, change his shirt, and he was just wearing the sweatshirt as a coat, so it wasn’t even true that he wasn’t changing his shirt.

On the day when they yelled that, I went back there and started taunting the one guy who was sort of the ringleader. I sat in the seat right in front of him and turned around and I just kept bothering him and bothering him and bothering him, making him angry.

Eventually one or the other of us said something, and I forget what, and I spat at him. He reacted when I spat at him – he got up and started hitting me.

However, I couldn’t really understand what was going on. I just felt something hit my face really hard and I got knocked sideways. Then I saw what was going on in slow motion, and I realized that I was capable of hurting him very, very badly if I needed to, and I made the judgment call that said I did not need to. So I punched him back in a sort of ineffective way. I knew that if my life were in danger, I could poke out his eyes or scratch them out, I could kick him in the balls, I could bite him, and I saw this fight in slow motion and I could see all of the vulnerable locations where I could hurt him badly if it were necessary. I knew that I could bite him and rip into his neck and make him bleed to death. I knew that if my life were in danger I could kill him. I knew that my life wasn’t in danger. He was punching me, but he was punching me gently in a controlled way, and we were surrounded by people, on the bus.

Somehow they broke us apart. He got kicked off the bus for a couple weeks, and I didn’t, which was unfair. Then his parents whipped him with a belt, which was even worse and more unfair.

So I really enjoyed seeing myself as the protector of this weird kid that everybody else was making fun of.

We ended up dating and I was going over to his house for a while. He had a lot of anime movies, and that was where I first learned about anime. We ‘made out’ with each other but never had sex – just kissing and touching. We weren’t together very long, less than a year I think.

However, later on he turned out to be gay, or to be accused of being gay. He and his best friend went into the army together and they left or else got kicked out supposedly on suspicion of being gay, or with some kind of rumor about it. I don’t know if he actually confessed to this himself or what.

(I actually noticed a pattern in my crushes of falling for NF guys who later were discovered to be gay, or who I knew from the beginning were gay. I later got a crush on a housemate who had taken the MBTI test and had typed as ENFJ. (My college best friend also typed as ENFJ, however in socionics she fit the INFJ description much better.) But that time I knew he was gay from the very beginning.)

I used to like going over to their house. Their family was strange, and I liked them. I have a feeling that his mother was EII and his father was LSE.

One time, the hyperactive little boy, the younger one, was playing with a battery and making it spark. The father yelled at him, but he yelled in a weird way from a different universe – he yelled at him in a ‘stating the facts’ kind of way – ‘You NEVER discharge a battery without it being grounded!’ or something along those lines, I forget what exactly he said. Usually, when people would yell at a kid for something like that, they would just flip out about playing with batteries at all, batteries would be completely off limits forever and ever, the battery would be taken away, he would be severely punished, and he would be told how stupid and incompetent he was and how he must never touch another battery again – that was the kind of yelling I expected. But instead his father taught him a lesson about how to handle batteries safely, and showed him how to do it.

My mom said that his mother believed in really weird things, like being psychic, and that one time, she said she dreamed that she had gone out into the field and found a missing horseshoe, and the next day, she actually went to the place from the dream and found the horseshoe there for real. She was also religious.

I felt like I got along better with their family than I did with my own. My mom I’ve typed as ESI and my father is unknown, probably ILI or SLI. I’m tempted to say SLI, but I’m really not sure.

So yeah, back in high school I briefly dated a weird guy who might have been gay, and I got in a fight with a football player because of him. That’s the only real fight that I’ve ever been in, aside from a few minor incidents of, like, pushing and shoving, with my family members. But I was very happy with taking the role of his protector on the bus, even though in reality I was weak too and there wasn’t much I could really do.

I still have a few more minutes before the movie.
…………………….
….The movie was actually scarier this time. And it fit together better and was actually less lame. It made more sense.

the reactions are affecting my behavior at work.

September 27, 2011

8:56 AM 9/27/2011

So, I’ve been having recurring drug residue reactions for over a week now, because I’ve gotten it into the sleeping bag, so it’s all over me and all over my clothing.

My coworkers will have noticed that I have been in an explicitly sexual mood, and the reaction is what’s causing that. It will be a regrettable loss whenever I get this cleaned up and I go back to being asexual again. However, the drugs do not choose for me which person is my favorite. That will stay the same when I go back to normal. The people who look angelically beautiful to me now will still look that way, I just won’t be so overtly sexual in my behavior towards them. (Men probably do not like to be called beautiful, but that’s what I call them in my mind. It means I love to look at someone.)

I am in transition right now. For the last couple weeks it’s gotten too cold for me to take baths in the creek anymore. Not only that, but the leaves are falling off the trees and bushes, and so the place where I go is more exposed than it was. I could find some other place, but since it’s getting so cold anyway, I’m just looking for bathrooms instead.

I have a couple of bathrooms that are single-person, locked-door bathrooms. However, I’m finding that I strongly dislike taking a bath someplace where it’s busy and there could be other people waiting to get into the bathroom. Or, if anybody sees me going in there and taking a long time, I feel uncomfortable. I feel as though somebody will eventually tell me that I’m not allowed to take baths in their restrooms.

So I am looking for locked-door bathrooms where nobody is around, nobody sees me going in, and nobody is likely to be waiting. The best ones I have found so far are in the parking garages. Those bathrooms are not busy. However, if I park in the garage, I have to pay the parking fee, unless perhaps I go there in the middle of the night, and park my car out on the street, for free, and then walk into the bathroom; however, this won’t happen, because I do not want to get up and do this in the middle of the night. So I will pay a few cents to park in the garage.

They also have to have real faucets instead of water-saver automatic faucets. I (and millions of other people) *hate* those automatic faucets, but now I hate them even more because it’s not possible to use them to bathe. There is a locked-door bathroom in the back of Wal-Mart, the ‘family restroom,’ but it has automatic faucets.

I loved the time period of bathing in the creeks. It will be like that again next spring. I’ll go back. But for now I have to change. So I’m looking for some different way to do it.

People around here are getting to know me. They recognize me as the lady who comes in every day and gets coffee. I haven’t broken the coffee habit yet, as I am having so many drug reactions that cause fatigue. I also haven’t set up a system for cooking my own food. I had ideas for how I would do it. But instead I have just been getting a lot of fast food and sometimes eating at restaurants. And the more coffee I drink, the less real food I eat.

Anyway the point was that everybody at the various gas stations is recognizing me, and they would start to notice that I was coming in and taking a really long time in their bathrooms, even if I rotated which gas station I went to and didn’t go to the same one every day. I could look for gas stations that I don’t go to very often. However, even if I go someplace where I don’t go often, I still feel pressured if there’s a chance that somebody else needs to get in.

To make matters worse, apparently one of my trash bags leaked when I put it into the trunk. I attempted to shampoo out the back of the trunk, using one of those shampooers at a car wash, but I will have to do it again. There were cups of urine in the trash bag. Now my entire car smells like urine. It’s coming out of the back of the trunk, between the back seats. So now I am double bagging my bags of trash and being very careful with them.

And this happened right at the time when it was becoming more difficult for me to take baths, so now I most likely smell like urine, and the smell would be in my hair and my clothes. That wouldn’t be the end of the world, except that I’m the only person who smells like bodily fluids. If everyone else did too, it wouldn’t matter so much.

I’m not going to try using the $10 dog bath at the car wash. I would actually have tried it, if only there weren’t a setting for ‘flea and tick bath.’ If it had only had settings for regular shampoo, then I would not have been concerned about poison residues. Even if I run the water quite a bit before using it, I’m still concerned that flea and tick poison would be in the bathtub. That stuff is not even safe to use on dogs, and I view it as cruel to animals. Plus, $10 is a lot. I will pay less than a dollar to go to the parking garage.

Bathing wouldn’t be such an issue without the drug residues on my skin causing reactions. I can tolerate not being perfectly clean, and I don’t mind the way that I smell (other than my clothes all smelling like urine because of the car).

So yeah, the goal is to go back to where I’m no longer blatantly wanting to have sex with someone. ‘They’ woke me up thinking about how I had written about pregnancy in my blog yesterday, and they put a voice in my head saying ‘wow, can I help?’ as in, someone wanted to help me become pregnant.

The coworker who I am flirting/bonding/interacting with: I am doing a lot more eye contact than usual. When I am near him I feel this aura of emotions that emanates from him. I have noticed for a long time now that he radiates feelings very strongly. Metaphorically (or literally?) his wavelength is resonant with my own. I can pick it up, I can feel it. I don’t resonate with others, just him.

Even when he doesn’t express anything on his face, even if his back is turned to me and I can’t see his face, even if all that I can see is the way he’s walking, I am able to see what kind of mood he’s in, how he feels.

I know when he needs a cigarette. When he needs a cigarette, his emotions become more negative, and he starts to express emotions like ‘failure’ and ‘humiliation’ more often. I become very conflicted when I am near him during this time, and I start to feel afraid that I am going to say or do the wrong thing. He starts to radiate anger and annoyance more often, in response to small incidents, and as soon as that happens, I know he needs a cigarette.

Sometimes I tell him to go take a break when we’re busy, even if it would actually be impossible. I did that the other day. I offered to watch the counter in addition to taking orders at back booth. This was an unrealistic and impossible thing to offer, and I just blurted it out, just as a way of expressing my desire to make him comfortable and give him a chance to take a break. When I care about whether someone is comfortable, that is my way of expressing my feelings towards that person, and it’s true that I care about *everyone* being comfortable at work, but it means more with the person I have a crush on.

Socionically, I express my feelings through Si, and he expresses his feelings through Se, and I understand what he’s saying.

I don’t normally talk about flirting with someone in detail; I usually keep quiet about it. However, that is what they put in my head when I woke up this morning; and also, people will notice whenever I fix the recurring reaction and I go back to being suddenly asexual for no reason. I don’t want anyone taking it personally, when I suddenly stop flirting so openly. It’s only the mood that my body is in as a result of the reactions.

The reactions are causing apathy, too – ‘nothing matters’ – and that’s why I’m spending such a huge amount of time online and writing in the forum instead of doing my storage unit project.

However, I am aware that this is a temporary phase. Overall, the living in my car has been a success. I am finally spending slightly less money than I make, even though I am working only four days a week. That could easily change, however, and as I said, the car will inevitably break down. I am going to instantly lose all the money that I save, unless I take action on all of these goals. This is extremely important.

getting rid of stuff, continued

September 26, 2011

9:12 AM 9/26/2011

The point of all this was to have children while I still can.  I’ve been trying to get rid of all my contaminated stuff and even get rid of the car, when I don’t need it to carry the stuff out of the storage unit anymore. 

I have someone who wants to buy my dishwasher.  I have to try to talk to her today.  I’ll give it to her at a lower price just to get rid of it. 

Okay, I was eating at the Waffle Shop while I was writing that.  Now I’m at the library recharging my phone and netbook. 

I have to get rid of my belongings, get rid of the car, find a place to live (some kind of squatter arrangement), fix the bike and possibly put a motor on it (as suggested by my former coworker who is now gone from McD).  I need to prepare to have children, and that means I will have to find someone who is willing to live an extremely unusual lifestyle. 

But this lifestyle will become more and more ordinary and normal as the government gradually destroys the economy completely and impoverishes everybody.  We will be like a third world country.  So my lifestyle won’t be unusual anymore.

more about placebos and suggestion

September 21, 2011

When I woke up this morning, ‘they’ were asking me questions about my beliefs about placebos and suggestion.

I tried self-hypnosis and meditation years ago.  It did not work, because I am being electronically attacked.  This is something that I cannot explain or prove to people if I argue with them about hypnosis not working.  I cannot explain that everybody, not just me, is vulnerable to becoming a puppet, because I have seen it happen – I often see people who are forced to say something, or at least, back when this began I was seeing people who were puppets.  They would say things to me that they could not have known about.  I drew the conclusion that they were puppets rather than people spying on me.

So that was why I emphasized that hypnosis doesn’t work.  It isn’t just because it doesn’t work for me, though.  It is because, in comparison with drugs, hypnosis’s effects are tiny, weak, and temporary, whereas drugs have effects that are extremely intense, powerful, long-lasting, and unstoppable.  If you get on a drug, it will put you into a particular mood, for hours or days, and you can’t get out of it.  Hypnosis cannot do that – hypnosis ‘fades’ and is weak.

Somebody said ‘Well, there was this buddhist monk who took 9 tabs of LSD and had no effects at all.’

Several things: Different people are able to metabolize drugs faster or slower than other people.

LSD might be a bad example.  LSD might actually be a drug where the experience is, indeed, affected by the influence of your own will.  You might be able to control the experience you have on LSD.

But LSD is an exception.  Thousands of other drugs do things to you regardless of your will.  The will is not stronger than drugs.

So ‘they’ were trying to understand why I take such a strong position on this, and what exactly my position *is*.

They were also trying to understand why it was funny that the Rick lookalike, on ‘Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark,’ said he was going to get the girl a stronger drug.  It’s because Rick is anti-drugging, and he would *never* say that the solution to the girl’s problem was to get her a stronger drug.  It was a hilarious VI parody with someone who looked and acted exactly like Rick and who was probably an IEE in real life, but who was saying things that were ridiculously out of character for Rick.

I wrote about ‘Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark,’ which I will see again.  This movie is a HUGE FLOP.  However, it is also a Delta Quadra test.  If you are delta, you will be able to sit through this movie and enjoy it, because it embodies all of the delta values and was probably written by an EII.  The movie is somehow totally lame, and totally wonderful at the same time.  It is actually not a very scary movie for adults, but could instead be a movie for slightly older children, like young teens.   I *loved* the movie, and yet, I am also aware on another level that it sucked.  🙂

yeah, the girl came back and wrote a comment a little bit ago.

September 20, 2011

She is saying that she’s going through a rough time and the people around her are putting her under stress.  That will be the explanation that everyone believes, and I am telling you that that explanation is bullshit.  People do not attempt suicide merely because they are under stress, going through a rough patch, or having conflicts with the people around them.  They do it because they are using drugs that so completely alter the way they feel that they suddenly become willing to try something that they never would have tried before.

I’m glad to see that she’s alive.  But I’m getting angry all over again, because I see her rationalizing the ‘reason why’ she attempted suicide.  Everyone is going to believe that those ‘reasons’ are real, and they are not.

someone in the forum attempted suicide.

September 20, 2011

This morning, one of the girls in the16types forum tried to kill herself by taking all the pills in a bottle of Klonopin.  I think this was actually the first thread that I happened to read when I logged on.

She wrote a thread talking about herself in the process of committing suicide right that instant, and people started answering her.

I’m having one of my residue reactions and I’m in the process of troubleshooting it.  I know what’s causing it, and it will soon be fixed.  However, right at the moment, I’m having intense emotional reactions to things.

So I began complaining about how drugs cause suicide.  I didn’t write it in the same thread where this girl was posting.  I wrote a separate thread so that people could choose to ignore me if they wanted to.

The girl actually got help.  Someone in the forum knew her well enough to go to her house and to call the police or whoever, and they ended up getting her to the hospital.  We don’t know yet how it’s going, but she will have to detox today, so obviously she isn’t going to come back right this instant and tell us all about it.  I am assuming she is still alive.

I had a lot of energy earlier this morning, and I was writing very aggressively.  After a bit, I took a time out and washed off the bottoms of my feet, which was where the residue reaction was coming from.  After washing that off, I no longer have the angry energy to continue arguing.  I will not be able to change their minds.

The people who wrote back to me were mostly IEEs and a couple LIEs and a couple unknowns.  I ignored the one-liners – ‘disagreers gonna disagree.’  They just have a whole different set of assumptions, and I will never convince them.  It was mostly the IEEs who were talking directly to me enough that I could actually talk back.  However, I cannot convince them of my point of view and I don’t have the energy to keep trying.

One of them is a hypnotherapist who says that she successfully helps people using hypnotherapy.  Another one is somebody who used psychiatric drugs and says that they helped her.

The position that I am taking, the assertions that I am making, are: there is no such thing as the placebo effect, and in fact, the placebo effect is part of a very harmful bad belief system that is corrupting the practice of medicine.  The placebo effect does not exist.

I was talking about the placebo effect because it’s one of the excuses doctors have for continuing to give people toxic drugs that cause suicide.  They say that the drug-induced symptoms are caused by the placebo effect (or else, the drug-induced symptoms are just a sign of your illness), when in fact they are caused by the drug.

I have a strange assumption: that ALMOST ALL suicides are caused by drugs.  This is an extreme position to take.  If anyone commits suicide, I assume that there were ALWAYS some kind of drugs involved.  Now that I know about drug residues, I am even more sure that drugs are involved.

This extreme position cannot be proven without first proving that drug residues exist.  I also have to argue that plants, medicinal herbs, can cause the same thing, and that it happened throughout human history, in the past, often because of plants.  It is possible to walk through a patch of St. John’s Wort growing wild, and get enough oils on your clothing to cause a reaction, especially if you are walking through it every day, not knowing what it is.  This can drastically affect your behavior, your feelings, your moods, and it can account for many strange things that people have done in the past, even back before we had mass-produced prescription psychiatric drugs.

I assume that suicide is so unnatural and so unusual that it is ALMOST ALWAYS caused by a drug.  Do non-human animals ever commit suicide?  Animals have feelings.  Animals suffer.  Animals get rejected and hurt in their love relationships.  Animals become social outcasts.  Do non-human animals ever attempt, or successfully commit, suicide?  Animals could just as easily eat poison that had made them sick in the past, and eat a lot of it.  Animals could jump off a cliff.  Animals could lie in the path of a predator.

I think I might have seen a fish that was suicidal.  No joke.  This was when I was at the Howard Dam.  The fish had been struck by a boat, I think, because it had a huge wound on the side, which was now covered with some kind of white fungus.  I was wading through the shallow water, and this fish didn’t swim away when I approached.  It just floated there.  It was so lacking in energy that it didn’t try to hide.  I imagined that maybe it was hoping a predator would take it and put it out of its misery.  It was capable of swimming, and it was still moving its fins, and it was still upright in the water – it wasn’t lying belly up – it was not yet dead.  It was totally giving up, though.  I left it there.

I don’t think the lack of animal suicides is caused by a lack of long-term understanding of death.  I think animals understand death.  I think they know that they can die.  I think they know what death is.  I think that animals know that if they jump off the cliff, it will be too much damage to their body and they will die.  They will have seen other animals that fell off the cliff by accident.  Animals are smarter than most people take them to be.  People would argue that humans commit suicide only because humans are smart enough to know what death is, but I disagree.

If an animal got rejected by its potential mate, for instance, it could run away in  a fit of emotion, on impulse, and fling itself off the cliff, even without really thinking of death.  But animals don’t do that – do they?  Animals don’t get the intense urge to just run somewhere and jump off something.  I’m only thinking of that because that’s the easiest way I can imagine an animal committing suicide.   An animal could also eat a poisonous plant on purpose, but it’s difficult to swallow poisonous plants.  That’s why humans are able to eat pills, because they are easy to swallow.

I believe this:

1. We should troubleshoot the health problems that cause people to want to take psychiatric drugs.  For instance, bad foods can cause chronic health problems; so can environmental illness; so can chronic viruses caused by vaccinations.  There are many things that can cause chronic illness.  Chronic illness is the reason why people use psychiatric drugs.

2. We should give physical, social support to people who need it.  People should not be isolated to live their lives in their own enclosed little houses all alone.  The one lady who said she benefitted from using drugs was a single mother who was overwhelmed after having children.  She needed material help, not drugs.  If our society didn’t isolate us into our own little houses alone, she would have had physical help from the people in the area, from her neighbors.

I’m going to just post this for now.  I was going to keep writing more stuff but then I started reading the forum again.

I was saying that people should just not use drugs at all, and that they are so extremely dangerous that the benefits are not worth the drawbacks.

Inevitable future: car gradually breaking down.

September 19, 2011

I’m not sure where to begin with this.

I know what’s inevitably going to happen, but I have been forcibly prevented from taking appropriate action to deal with it.  My car will inevitably be breaking down sometime.  However, I don’t have a lot of money.  I deliberately was working only four days a week, a small number of hours, because I intended to focus all my energy on getting stuff out of the storage unit.

Getting things out of the storage unit requires a car, unless I want to find a very difficult and inconvenient way of doing it, with someone else’s car or something.  So I want to get this done while my car is still working.  However, as I said, the car will inevitably break down sometime.

Not only that, but the bumper hasn’t been fixed.  I needed to get around $1000 to start fixing it, and then they were supposed to call the insurance company and get the rest.  However, I don’t know if there’s a time limit on when the insurance will pay the money.  This accident happened last October.  I lost my job around that time.  Due to ‘a series of unfortunate events,’ I used the insurance money payment to pay my rent.  I tried getting the car fixed, but it turned out to be complicated, and it took longer than I thought, and so the money that I had been paid ended up paying my rent.  Since then, I have been unable to save that much money.  So I could not finish fixing the car.  It’s hard to explain, but it doesn’t matter.

My car is breaking down in other ways.  Just recently, the cable that connects my little trunk latch to a lever, next to the driver’s seat, died somehow, so that it’s like, overstretched or something.  The little lever is now permanently stuck up, and the trunk latch is permanently stuck unlatched, so I had to use a bungee cord thing to hold the trunk shut, because it pops open.  This could be related to the other damage in the back, for instance, if water is leaking in there and it caused the cable to rust.

Several things need to be done.  I will need to get a lot of money quickly, if I fix the car.  However, I’m not working enough hours to get a lot of money.  I’m slowly getting a little bit more money, due to my not paying rent, but I’m working so few hours that the money saving is slow.  So I will have to start working a second job and working a lot of hours a week if I switch to the fixing the car project instead of the emptying out the storage unit project.  I was trying to get the storage unit done first.  But I can switch to the other project instead and postpone the storage unit.

I would have made these decisions myself, without complaining about them in my blog, except for the fact that the murderers severely attack me whenever I focus on thinking about the future.  I am still being attacked.  I cannot sit down and make long-term decisions without being attacked by the murderers, and that is the reason why I have been unable to choose what project I am going to focus on, and instead I have been focusing on nothing at all, just obsessing about the forum, and not cleaning out the storage unit, not making much money, and not fixing the car either.

This is not my fault, and I am not doing this out of sheer stupidity or short-sightedness.  I know exactly what will inevitably happen in the future if I do nothing.   Eventually, the car will break down.  The storage unit will still be full of stuff.  Without a car, it will be very hard to get the stuff moved out of storage.  Without a car, I will have to find a physical location for me to live in, since I’m living in my car right now.  I will have to use some other mode of transportation to get to work.  I have a bike, but it needs to be fixed – it has, for instance, two flat tires, if I recall, and some problems with the brakes, and it’s rusty since it sat out in the rain for a while.  Fixing the bike so it’s usable is a whole separate project.  I would need to focus deliberately and consciously on doing that project, in order to get it done.  However, I am being physically attacked and forcibly prevented from focusing my mind on any choices or long-term decisions at all, because of the murderers.  So I cannot decide what to do or direct my energy into taking action.

There are other long-term plans that I need to think about, but the most urgent and worrisome one is the car.  It is inevitably going to do something if I do not take action.  I am very aware of this and it bothers me, however the murderers are preventing me from looking at the future and taking control of my life.  Something needs to be done.

Undoing several typings.

September 18, 2011

Several of my socionic personality typings resulted from being attacked and forced to blurt out some random type without actually analyzing any text.  In the past couple days ‘they’ also pointed out a few corrupted typings in the people I work with.  I had originally typed one guy ESFP, years ago, before I knew socionics, and I had felt that he was an ESFP all this time, but ‘they’ changed it to ESFJ not too long ago, and I just went along with it and believed it.  So ‘they’ recently pointed this out to me and changed it back to ESFP.

I’ve decided that if I ever decide on someone’s type without doing a text analysis, then that type is garbage and it will go directly into the trash.  ‘They’ are forcing me to get ideas in my head about what type someone is without doing any analysis.  There are three people whose texts I have actually analyzed, and I have kept their typings.   One of them needs more analysis done to get more evidence.

So I actually only have THREE people typed so far.

I take typing very seriously.  I believe that mistypings have harmful consequences, for people who are interested in socionics.  If you’re not interested in socionics and you never think about it, then being mistyped will have no effect on you at all.  But if you are interested in socionics and you are struggling to understand something, then being mistyped will screw up the entire system and you will be constantly confused.  If you are actually trying to *use* socionics in any way, then you absolutely must know the correct type for yourself.

It got cold last night and I used two sleeping bags.

September 16, 2011

It’s always interesting when someone googles ‘Retmeishka.’ This unique glossolalia word doesn’t exist anywhere else, so there are only a few places where anyone could have seen it.

Last night, it got cold.  I actually had a second sleeping bag which I had not yet started using.  I bought it because I was in the process of getting rid of all traces of the one outbreak of residues that had caused my manic attacks, and I was going to switch to using a new sleeping bag.  But last night it was so cold I just used the old sleeping bag and put the new one on top of me.

I don’t normally sleep in the bag with the bag zipped up, but I did last night.  Usually I just use it like a blanket.  Last night, I slept all the way in the bag, and then, I put my feet down (inside the bag) on the part of the floor where the gas pedals and stuff are, because I was in the driver’s seat.

Guess what.  The drug residues went *through* the sleeeping bag, by being vaporized I guess, and into my feet, while my feet were down there.  I’m sick of having to explain things that nobody believes or understands.  I just want the whole drug residue thing to be over.

There are a few things I will have to do, when it’s all over:  I would probably reupholster the car or else sell it completely. And I would be living without a car, at least temporarily.  I believe that I am going in that direction, towards life without a car.

I have something which has gotten sort of… locked up.  A project.  ‘They’ always urge me to start projects that I can’t finish, when I’m manic, and one of the things they made me do was make a couple of advertisements, one of which had to do with socionics, and also, to reopen my plentyoffish account (which had been hidden, before, so that no one would email it).  Now, I have to go clean up those messes, but I haven’t even been able to bring myself to check my gmail – I just can’t even stand the anxiety of opening it up and looking at it and knowing that I have to deal with the consequences of those ads that I placed, those people who are now trying to reach me about various things which I cannot possibly follow through on.

I keep remembering Luke, a dog character that I made when I was a teenager.  I always drew Luke and his group of friends.  Luke was given his name by my classmate, who sat in front of me in health class, when he was watching me drawing pictures.  He wrote the name ‘Luke’ over the dog I had drawn, and the name stuck.

Now that I know socionics, I have figured out that Luke is an SEE.  Back then I didn’t know that IEEs existed, and I wouldn’t have been able to characterize one if I had known, because Intueor is so impossible for me that I could not have made a believable character that was able to behave that way.  If you can’t imagine something yourself, then it’s very hard to make a believable character with that ability, which is why I would collaborate with another author to write a story, and the other author would create that ideas that I am unable to create myself, and characterize the people who I cannot characterize myself.

Anyway Luke was an SEE.  Back then, that was based on the knowledge I had at the time of which kinds of guys I was most attracted to.  He was this gentle, playful, extremely nice and kind dog, and everything about him fits the SEE personality.  His girlfriend Crystal (named after our real dog Crystal) represented me, and she was the ‘strong, logical one.’  Luke played the guitar and wrote music, and he wandered from place to place, traveling, like he was searching for something.

Knowing what I know now, I think about what would happen if I finished the old stories, the old cartoons, if I got help and collaborated with an intuitive who could help me create characters that my mind cannot imagine on my own.  They would say things that real intuitives would say.  I was sort of able to characterize a believable, lovable SEE dog, but I would never be able to think of the things an intuitive would say.

And I’m thinking about these stories and I’m imagining this heartbreaking situation where both Luke and Crystal discover their intuitive duals, and they realize that their relationship had felt incomplete, this whole time.  The entire story, the fact that they were together all this time, the fact that I didn’t know intuitives existed back when it began, everything would change.  It would be unthinkable.  It would be a huge big deal in the Darcon world stories.

So I just need to collaborate with an intuitive to help me say things that intuitives would say.  And the more people I could collaborate with, the better.  Several authors could be responsible for simulating several believable characters.  We would have to have some kind of arrangement where we knew who was ‘leading’ the story, because every one of the authors would have a desire to influence the storyline.  Every one of them would want their characters to be very important in the story, instead of just being a side character.

Well, this is one of those manic fantasies that I cannot actually complete.

I had several mind control incidents recently where ‘they’ gave me the experience, the feeling, of being someone else and using my senses the way they do.  It wasn’t that foreign to me at all, it was familiar and normal.  They gave me his way of hearing, for a few minutes.  The first time they did it, I was sleeping in the car at the park, and I was listening to all the people around me talking.  All of their voices made a music, but it was a music without structure, a random music.  The people’s emotions were expressed in the music of their voices.  I was hearing this in the extraverted sensing way, hearing the objects as objects, forgetting myself, not focusing on me, not noticing that I was there listening and being affected. They were sounds, apart from me.

The second time this happened, I was again sleeping in the car behind one of the buildings near Wal-Mart, because it was a football game and all the RVs had taken up most of the spaces in the part of the parking lot where I normally slept.  There were some crows landing nearby, cawing, looking for food.  Suddenly I could hear the crows differently than I normally do.  They sounded like mechanical things, primitive creatures, with voices that had no consonants, only vowels.  They spoke just like humans, with their tones, but no consonants.  Their feelings were in their voices.  They were talking.  I could almost understand what they were saying.  I could almost understand what it meant.

people who have gone away into the real world, and who have not returned to the online world.

September 14, 2011

I haven’t written a blog in a while, because I’ve been writing over at the16types forum.  I have gotten stuck in a rut and can’t quite get out at the moment.  I need to go back to work in real life on my project of getting stuff out of storage.  There is now an addiction to talking in the forum, and chatting.  There are those pseudo-bonds to people who are there, people who I cannot see in real life.  These people are starting to matter to me more than anything in my real life.  I can’t find intelligent people easily in real life, but I can find them easily on a forum.

I’m still having problems with the drug residues, but I partly fixed the problem, just not entirely.

I lost the inspiration that I had gotten from Rick.  It was the feeling that I actually cared about doing things like ‘spending less time on the net’ and ‘refusing to bond with people online who you can’t meet in person.’  Those ideas came from him.  It’s all faded now.  It’s like there’s no reason to care about that anymore.  I can’t interact with him.

Right now, he has begun studying geography in school.   He’s going to school partly because he wants to be surrounded by colleagues that he can cooperate with, people who have a common interest and can talk to him about it, because he’s self-employed and so he doesn’t cooperate with people at his job.  Socionics isn’t his interest – he is interested in other things now, and has been for quite some time.

I now have an addictive bond with a mirage relation.  It began because ‘they’ forced me to start getting urges to interact with him, but it was also real, because I liked the way he looked, and because he is very intelligent and I am always drawn to intelligent people even if they are not a dual.  However, I cannot look at his pictures anymore, since he removed them, which is a good thing actually, because it will make him seem less real to me, and that might hopefully make me feel less addicted.

Then I had an accident where during one of my manic attacks, I complimented another mirage type and recognized his value as a human being, and I retyped him as a different type than the one he has, and since then, he has been sexual towards me, and other onlookers are getting upset about it.  It is because of the way that I behaved during the mania.  I formed bonds with several people.

And then there is also an activator who I am bonding with simultaneously, and these things are going on behind the forum, and in the chat, and through all of our threads that we write, and in everything that happens.

For whatever reason, I did not bond with any duals.  I’ve had conversations with female duals but did not bond deeply with the males.  It’s likely that I have kept hoping Rick would come back again to the forum and I would get to talk to him, but actually, he will be spending very little, or no, time there in the future, as he is in school now.  Also, some of the bonding incidents were the result of my following forced urges to do something or say something, when I otherwise would not have spoken.

What I am enjoying about the mirage relation is, I like talking to someone who is Ti-PoLR.  That would be socionics jargon to anyone else.  It means that you’re a particular personality type who has difficulty with organizing things logically into a system.  This gives me a desire to explain things to him and it makes me feel needed.  But actually I am writing letters explaining things that he probably already knows.

He’s not necessarily ‘having difficulty’ determining his type, but instead, he does not want to be pinned down or forced to be a certain way, and has been changing his type on purpose for a while, trying things out.  I called out what type he is and it got a reaction from him.  I also feel frustrated because I do feel strong feelings for him, and I am also aware that I’m not his dual and I can’t give him everything he wants, and I wish very much that he could have the things he wants.  As an SEE, he needs an ILI to dualize.  I don’t know anything about him, I don’t know if he ever had a dual in the past, I don’t know if he’s ever met a female ILI.  *Real* ILIs are hard to find in the forum, because many people get mistyped and never get it fixed.  Not only that but everyone is scattered around the whole world, and people don’t live close enough to go meet each other, so even if he met someone online it would probably be hard to meet her in person.

I feel more protective towards him than I do towards myself, about this.  I believe it’s harder for an SEE to find a female ILI than it is for me to find a male IEE.  I believe that I could go out and do what I did before – I had put up a (heaven forbid) Craigslist ad asking for ENFP males, and it worked, but that led to my getting overwhelmed with several email conversations, and then I met the one guy who used drugs, and I had the horrible reaction to his drugs.  And I felt as though all of the guys I talked to, although they were indeed ENFP, were not intelligent enough.  It’s possible to be an intuitive type but not be intelligent.

There is a lady at work who I now suspect is an IEE, and she is probably below average intelligence, and she has the Weston Price deformities very severely.   I don’t really enjoy talking to her that much, but at the same time, I can’t resist it.  She always comes up and says something to me, and I return the conversation easily and naturally, and I like her, but at the same time, I don’t like to spend a lot of time with her – she called me on the phone several times and I quickly became bored during our phone calls.

The only reason I believe she might possibly be an IEE is because she keeps talking about her husband’s ‘potential,’ and all that, because he is an alcoholic and she is sticking with him.  She isn’t doing much of anything that I would describe as Ne, except that everyone complains about her doing her job badly, as though she has weak sensing.  She dislikes anything having to do with force.

And I seem to be one of the few people in the whole store who can stand her, although I just recently discovered that she has been talking to the ESE who is her benefactor if she’s an IEE.  I don’t know, the point is that I have little desire to talk on the phone with her, and I got bored when I tried.

A mirage relation is very difficult because whenever you are most strongly ‘being yourself,’ using your base function, which is Si for me, and Se for him, it causes the other person to zone out and ignore you and get bored.  So if I start telling all the details of what I did in my daily life, it will bore him, but if I am with a dual, they will enjoy hearing those details, and the same for him – if he talked in his Se way to a dual, she would love to hear all of it.

I can’t ask him if he’s ever had that kind of relationship in the past, because we have gotten into the ‘I send letters, and he ignores them’ behavior pattern, which I have experienced before.  It’s not possible to shake someone out of that, if it’s a mirage relation.  I can’t give him any kind of Ni stimulus to make him say ‘What am I doing?’ and wake him up.  Or myself.  And he clearly responds to me in general ways in his behavior, so he is noticing me and bonding with me, but he doesn’t directly write back to me or have direct conversations.  Everything is indirect and implied.

All of these interactions and relations are addictive and at the same time incomplete, as all online relations are.

The totally random type theory has failed, of course.

September 6, 2011

I’m reading over the thread where I was working on one guy’s type, but I was being forced to get ideas about what type he was.  As always, ‘they’ are forcing me to have some crazy idea which is totally wrong, and then I have to socially humiliate myself by publicly declaring this crazy idea and then having it beaten down.  And I can’t explain to them ‘somebody else is forcing me to have this crazy idea! this isn’t me!’  They all just sort of sneer at how stupid I am, but it’s not my idea.

It actually hurts me to read them when they are talking to each other and arguing against ‘my,’ quote unquote, theory about what type this guy was.  I can’t explain to them that this wasn’t my idea, and that I am being forced to believe crazy things and just spout random gibberish types instead of actually getting my own impression of someone’s type.  It’s that feeling of ‘they would never understand.’  Several of them are taking a position of superiority over me – and that probably means that I do, indeed, have an asymmetrical relation with this person.

But it would not be so bad if I weren’t being forced to say crazy ideas that are total bullshit.  It discredits me and it’s making this one guy talk down to me in a patronizing way about ‘when your typing skills improve’ or something like that.  It has nothing to do with getting better at typing.  It has everything to do with not being bombarded by murderers forcing me to believe crazy things that are not true.

So this hurts and it is humiliating and I don’t want to be known as the person who just throws out totally random typings that have no connection to reality, but that is obviously what’s happening.

I never found the body.

September 5, 2011

I gave that an ominous sounding title.

I am deathly ill today.  It is because of all the people traveling to come to the football game.  This happens year after year, week after week, every time there’s a game.  They bring their non-local diseases with them.  I hate football.

My throat is scratchy, I’m coughing and sneezing, and I spent the night trying not to vomit, burping over and over again, while drooling uncontrollably all over everything, including myself.  It was horrible.

But then, there was a crisis in the middle of the night.  I was looking up at the windshield.  It was lit from behind by one of the streetlights.  I suddenly saw a spider hanging down and moving around actively, at the edge of my windshield, just above me.

I don’t mind spiders if they are outdoors and if I have plenty of room to move.  But if a spider is in my small, tightly enclosed personal space, such as my car, where I can’t move around easily, and where it can crawl into a million tiny spaces or into my clothing or my blanket, then it’s totally unacceptable.  This crisis could not wait until morning.

I had to get out of the car and go open the other door to look in the glove compartment, because right now there’s a mess over there and so much junk was blocking the glove compartment that it was easier to just go open the passenger door.  It was raining, so I got soaked.  I was looking for a flashlight.  I didn’t find it.  So I used my cell phone’s little flashlight.  But I was afraid it would go out, because the battery was just about to die.

The spider was wiggling its little legs around.  It obviously was planning on moving around somewhere.  It wasn’t just hanging there in a web staying still.  It was going to be dangling down and landing in my sleeping bag or something.

I used the cell phone flashlight to look at it, and I also turned on the overhead light in the car.  I wondered how to get the spider out without dropping it and making the situation even worse.  So I put on a glove, which I happened to have pinned up above the passenger side sun-shield thingy, whatever that’s called, the thing that you use to shade yourself from the sun coming in the windshield.

I decided to squash the spider against the roof with the glove on.  So I did that.  I dragged it along, hoping to smear it.  However, it might have been an optical illusion in the semi-darkness, but I swear I saw something fall.  And then, I didn’t see the spider on my glove afterwards.  I didn’t see a crushed body. There was no smear, there were no little crumpled legs.  I know this sounds ruthless, and usually I’m nice to spiders and I ignore them, but, as I said, hanging right above my bed  in the middle of the night, inside my car, is totally unacceptable.

I tried to drop the spider onto the pavement outside the car, but I still wasn’t sure if I even had its body in my hand or not.

So I never found the body.  I looked again and again into the glove, but there was nothing.  There was nothing smeared against the ceiling of the car.  I looked all around everything, the steering wheel, the dashboard, my sleeping bag, but no spider.

Eventually I had to lie back down again.  I could not stay up the entire night looking for the spider.

I woke up, and I was slightly less sick than I had been.  I was able to eat breakfast.  After eating breakfast, I also noticed that I feel a lot better than I’ve felt the past couple weeks, because I did several things to get rid of the drug residue that I was having a reaction to.  I don’t feel like going into detail about all of it – basically, it was my car seat, and my shoes – the usual types of things.  I fixed them, for now.  I finally have a lot more energy and I am not feeling half dead and apathetic.  As I continue to fix it and clean it up, I will notice that my behavior in the forum is improving, too.  I can go there without saying or doing inappropriate things, and I will have less of a tendency to say the insane things that ‘they’ force me to say.

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September 3, 2011

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September 3, 2011

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I’d have finished writing that, but the Opera browser suddenly became unable to accept input from the keyboard or the clipboard.

September 3, 2011

I was just doing something normal and not unusual, just trying to copy and paste something, and I don’t even know what I did, because, again, it was something ordinary.  Suddenly the Opera browser became unable to let me type anything or copy and paste anything onto the wordpress page.  I’ve even uninstalled and reinstalled Opera, but it’s still not letting me type anything onto the wordpress page.  This just happened all of a sudden, while I was doing my usual activity of working on the blog.  So I will have to do a major troubleshooting session, which I won’t have time for today, because I have to go to work. 

Anyway, I was just going to finish complaining about how much I utterly and completely loathe football and the crowds of people.

today is torture day – football

September 3, 2011

I’m sitting next to McDonald’s using their wi-fi.  And I became self-conscious because there is a particular lady at the window handing out the food.  I suspect she is an ESE because she has the bitchy, judgmental, I’m-gonna-complain-about-you-behind-your-back feeling about her.

Now that I know about the phenomenon of supervision in socionics, I can say ‘If she complains about me, I’ll just bring along an IEI, and they can tell her how shallow and short-sighted she is.’  

I didn’t know that football was starting yet.  But I found out last night when I tried to come ‘home’ and found my entire Wal-Mart parking lot filled with RVs and with people standing around talking.  I was very annoyed.  I tried to sleep in a different lot, but ‘they’ attacked me, burning my legs for hours and hours, and they would not let me fall asleep there.  Eventually I came back to the Wal-Mart area but went to another lot right next to it, and there was only one RV there. 

I absolutely hate football.  In some ways, I like living in a college town.  I compare it to Bellefonte, where everyone is old, low-class, poor, and some of them are barely literate, and uneducated, and of low intelligence.  In State College, many of the people here are young.  However, it is painful that you look at strangers and you know you can’t bond with them, because everyone is here only temporarily.

I drove into this parking spot and saw a van whose bumper sticker said ‘Any day on the water is a good day.’  I suddenly remembered that I miss going to Howard Dam.  I haven’t gone there because it’s too far away now that I’m staying in State College.

blurting stuff out randomly is not a good typing method. the end.

September 3, 2011

I’m not going to continue just blurting out whatever random insane shit that they want to force me to say.  There’s going to have to actually be evidence for it.  That means actually looking for which functions are being used, and it does not mean that you blurt out what someone’s type is after having merely witnessed them using one particular function one time in one incident.  I need to be able to use my own brain without interference, but oh well, that’s obviously not going to happen, because this decision is being made by people who do not value the integrity of the bodies of other human beings.  Letting people be free to use their own bodies and their own minds without interference is the *last* thing in their list of priorities.

The conflict that I’m having is a rational/irrational conflict.

September 3, 2011

I hate throwing out answers that are wrong and then fixing them afterwards. That’s not the way I do things.  Rationals like to just blurt something out, just to get something done.  I like to postpone saying anything at all until I am very, very sure that I have the one right answer.  There is no urgent need to keep blurting out things that are wrong.  This has always annoyed me and it’s one of the worst things about being mind controlled:  the people controlling me are rational, and they do everything very differently from the way that I do it.  It is not my style at all.

So, the new theory today, since we’re blurting out things that are wrong, and then cleaning up the disaster afterwards…. Gamma ESI.  Whoops! Wrong universe!  But oh well, that’s what happens when you’re forced to keep blurting things out that are completely wrong, without having a clue first.