Archive for November, 2017

They’re moving the trailer to another spot today

November 30, 2017

I’m not quite sure why they want to move it, but they warned me about it months ago before I even moved in, so it’s no surprise. It wasn’t like it suddenly happened without notice. It has something to do with opening up this prime spot for the people who come here in the busy season, and putting me into a slightly less convenient spot because I’m long term and don’t have to move the trailer often. I think that’s the rationale. That’s fine with me. I’ll be closer to the woods instead of in the center of a big mowed lawn.

I’ve had to be up before noon to stabilize my belongings so that fragile things don’t fall when it’s moved. I took a caffeine pill.

I woke up hearing an absolutely foul, vile, and loathsome song playing in my head, which is still playing. I had a sexual urge which I ignored because I was sick at my stomach yesterday and almost threw up. I have reason to believe both of those symptoms resulted from secondhand transdermal absorption of skin excreted drug residues. But “they” made a huge fuss about ignoring a sexual urge even for a very short time. I get harassment incidents associated with anything even the slightest bit sexual, at this location. If it’s so horrible to temporarily postpone an artificially induced sexual urge, then why is it okay for the mind controllers to ignore, forever, the innermost longings of my soul for freedom? Something seems distorted here.

I watched Michael Salla’s interviews of a guy who remembers being taken to the moon, Mars, Ceres, and possibly more places – I didn’t watch them all yet because I was sitting in the car freezing and using the wifi. It was Tony Gonzalez or something like that, or Rodriguez. By now, these things are totally believable to me. I don’t understand how time travel works and what would be the point of going somewhere for twenty years, then undoing it. “A Wrinkle In Time” is coming out in theaters soon. I want to see it. I read those. I wish I could fix MY mitochondria.

Holes are objects, as silence is music

November 29, 2017

I read a book by William Russo years ago, “Composing Music – A Practical Approach.” I did the exercises. Silence is music, he said. Your silences are just as important as sounds. Negative space in a painting is as important as objects or positive space. And holes have just as much of an individual unique important solid identity as electrons do. So don’t treat holes as though you can interchange them and it doesn’t matter. This is a three dimensional object. A hole moves ahead of the wave, which is followed by another hole.

Now, I’m not 100% certain that this is right. When I used to fool around in Calculus class, re-deriving the formulas and stuff every time, I struggled to understand them, and sometimes I could follow the reasoning if I tried long enough. I wasn’t aware I was playing devil’s advocate. It wasn’t like a devil or a bad thing. It was just something I didn’t understand. But back then, I was trusting! I was inclined to assume the authorities who wrote the book knew more than I did and were telling the whole truth and keeping no secrets.

Nowadays, as a cynical 43 year old who’s learned some taboo knowledge, I am inclined to believe that the authorities who write the books are often ignorant, sloppy, unethical, hiding secrets, or indifferent and apathetic about whether things get described properly in detail. They might think it simply doesn’t matter if you say the fan is spinning backwards. At 43, I know the teachers and book writers are not all-powerful, all-knowing, or all-good. They are flawed human beings who might not have the energy to question and rewrite an entire theory even if they know it’s wrong. They just wanna finish writing this book.

I’ve had enough online arguments to know that sometimes I *know* that I’m right about something, but can’t change someone else’s mind. Surely that would happen with some of these teachers and book authors too. There must be times when I am right and they are wrong.

Positive and negative both travel in the same direction, in waves

November 29, 2017

That was a terrible time to run out of text. Positive is seen as going one direction, and negative is seen as going the opposite direction. Maybe that’s wrong. Maybe they both go the same way and take turns. How would that change everything? Electrical diagrams would have to be expressed differently.

Not showing us that molecules behave like waves

November 29, 2017

There’s this thing in my book, the “Teach Yourself Electricity and Electronics” book, which is unclear. I’m ignoring a lot of these things because I’m waiting to get to the “practical stuff”; however, too much wrong theory means that you’re missing out on a lot of potentially useful practical stuff.

When I wqa reading about the fundamental physical forces online, I was very annoyed because they made it out to seem like some of those forces were trivial and unimportant, and you should just brush them aside and forget about them, things like “the weak force” (ooh, THAT sounds important! Who’s gonna waste their time studying “the weak force?”) or “residual electromagnetic force,” and other things. There was this “Don’t worry about this – you don’t need to know” attitude. I might agree if it were some extremely esoteric mathematical theory, but these are the FUNDAMENTAL PHYSICAL FORCES. They can’t be unimportant.

So I had this rebellious desire to explore “the unimportant forces” because no one else was bothering to do so. Also I noticed … definition statements, axioms, teleology : what exactly IS a “force?” A thing that makes stuff move. A phenomenon. This is not detailed enough for me. I made up “the screwdriver force, the hammer force,” and so on.

Well, today, they said holes travel the opposite direction of electrons. No they don’t! A hole is the trough of a wave. Like a fan spinning, it only looks like it starts spinning backwards at a certain frequency because your eyes can’t see it properly. Is it THE SAME hole, or THE NEXT hole you’re seeing, in this extremely simplified childish diagram? (attached at the end of this post). Well gee, it’s *A* hole, but it matters just as much that it’s THE SAME hole as if the hole were an object, like an electron. You don’t just jump to some other electron elsewhere and then say it’s the same one, or that it makes no difference because they’re all electrons anyway.

Conclusion: “Positive” and “n

I feel that the one campground owner’s theory was probably right

November 27, 2017

She knew the repair guy a long time, and he always would just go in her house without asking. So he doesn’t know me and didn’t know it isn’t okay and didn’t know I had a cat. He might’ve come to test the heater and left the door open, and Jacob ran out, scared out of his mind, poor guy. I had emailed the repair guy mentioning that the heater was still broken, but I never said, “Come on over, and just let yourself in while I’m not here.” Their norms are not my norms. For me, I have to explicitly invite a person in, every single time, unless I know them intimately.

ran out of text, continued

November 26, 2017

… saw across the street that somebody flooded their sewer, and it flooded toilet paper all over the ground, which is now sitting on the ground rotting. So an RV sewer system is not like one in a house where you can just trust and assume that everything will automatically go down. You have to make sure it’s unclogged, not frozen, and make sure that the tube is slanting downhill. I don’t want to be the person who floods the whole campsite with used toilet paper, so I’ve been putting it in the bathroom sink. Well, IF I KNOW SOMEONE IS COMING OVER, am I retarded enough to leave a giant pile of used toilet paper in the fucking sink? No, because I am not “a slob,” a disgusting filthy pig, an idiot, or a fucking moron. I would take the goddamn toilet paper out of the bathroom sink and pick up the used menstrual pads. So do not come in my house without telling me every single time and then judge me when I didn’t know you were going to be there. The voices were telling me the truth about somebody entering my house, so they’re probably telling me the truth about that person judging me as a slob. Calling me a slob is the same as calling me an idiot, like I’m too stupid to care about having a clean house. You have no idea what my life is like and how it feels to have chronic fatigue syndrome and not be able to do all the things I would otherwise want to do.

For example, *they* called me a slob

November 26, 2017

I’m not sure if punctuation shows up in the title when I send it through a text message, but “they” is in quotes (I used asterisks there because I know from past experience that quotes don’t work). *They* meaning the voices. They said that somebody thought I was, quote, “a slob.” You do NOT call me “a slob” when I can’t clean my house because of the lack of heat, when I have all these garbage bags full of rain soaked camping equipment full of mold that I don’t want to open up if I have no heat to help dry them out, if I can’t set things up the way I want them set up because I’m too miserable to motivate myself AND THIS SITUATION IS *TEMPORARY*. I do not eternally, forever, always, want to live in an absolute filthy disgusting mess like it is now. I do not LIKE living this way, I do not condone living this way, I do not choose to live this way because I want to live this way or because I don’t CARE about it being an absolute insane fucking mess in here. I do not do this because I want to do it or because I think it’s okay. I have chronic fatigue syndrome and so I cannot easily do all the things other people take for granted as normal. So you do not come in my house when I’m gone without explicit permission every single time because I might, for example, throw a used menstrual pad on the floor, trusting that nobody will ever see it but me, because I don’t have my trash box set up, and I’m not expecting people to come in my house and then have the gall to call me a slob, when I didn’t ask them to come in here and judge me. I’m perfectly capable of cleaning up the house before someone comes in IF I KNOW THEY ARE GOING TO BE THERE. I’m not such a total moron that I would leave bloody used menstrual pads on the floor and a pile of used toilet paper in the bathroom if I knew people were coming over to judge me. I don’t flush toilet paper because I have no water hooked up, and I only pee in the toilet, and I use the bathhouse for other things. And this is justified, because I

I talked to the one lady about what happened

November 26, 2017

She was really cool about it and got angry about it. I don’t know who to trust and I can’t even be 100% sure it wasn’t her. But I needed to talk to her anyway because they’re going to move my camper to a different spot this week, and I need to get it ready. They’ll have to come inside, and it’s a horrific mess, so I will make it slightly less of a horrific mess before they come in. I just don’t do anything without heat. The bags aren’t unpacked. I want to put stuff away, organize it, and arrange it when the heat is on. Even when it’s not extremely cold, I still can’t do housework if it’s just a little bit chilly. I need my whole body to be baking hot before I can stand to do housework and other projects. So I crank up the heat to like 80 or 90.

One of the two owner ladies came over just now and talked to me and said it might possibly have been the RV repair guy, who might have misunderstood and thought it was okay to come over because I mentioned in an email that the heat still didn’t work. I’m going to call him anyway and I’ll mention it.

The voices have been telling me for weeks and weeks that someone was entering my trailer and they called him a retard

November 26, 2017

I believed it was possible, but did not treat it as urgent. I don’t have a lock on the door. The ladies who sold this to me said that the keys were in the possession of some government agency in Harrisburg who also have the title and won’t give it to them. I know I need to just buy a new lock but I postponed it.

For several days Jacob has been acting jumpy, terrified by every little sound, and looking around as though he expects to see someone. I asked him if he was being attacked or harassed by someone, but he can’t answer, but I’m assuming he is, because he got just as jumpy after the police violated my tent.

Today I came home and he was not in the house. I found him outside a short distance away, shivering. So I was right, someone is coming into the house.

I have had thousands of interactions with the sociopaths over all these decades. They are so tiresome, and so stupid. Over and over I’ve talked to the voices in my head, wishing that the sociopaths would die, but they never do, no matter how many times I wish it while talking to the voices. The voices never do anything to stop the sociopaths.

I could talk to the park owners, but I think he must have threatened to punish them if they evict him, so they let him stay. I could talk to the police, but they’re already so corrupt and full of sociopaths and gang members that they just dismiss and pooh-pooh any claims that I’m being harassed by a sociopath. So tiresome. I have dealt with this so many thousands of times over endless years.

See, getting a new door lock isn’t even enough. If he already cannot respect my space, then a mere door lock doesn’t stop him from doing things to the outside of the house or car. A mere door lock just stops him from easily and conveniently getting attention by letting the cat out. That’s all.

All I can feel is this miserable numbness. Moving elsewhere = new sociopaths.

The future: a total lack of progress until next April or May 2018

November 25, 2017

If I don’t get heat in my house, then I’ll do nothing but hibernate in the blankets all winter. I’m having some chronic fatigue, but not horribly. It’s chemicals or EMFs. There are only two wifis that show up, and I can’t get on the campground one that I’m supposed to be able to use, even if I stand right by the house that it comes from. So I don’t have a huge amount of wifi irradiating me like I did at the apartment on Waupelani.

The wood in this house is real, not particle board, so it isn’t offgassing formaldehyde. The wood is good quality.

I’m about to leave for work. I need to quit caffeine completely again. That’s the only time I’m able to learn new things without obsessively playing videogames and stuff, although my obsession with Terraria will die down greatly after I win it again.

I don’t like some things about Terraria. It’s like the ghost cities of China. You can build a million empty houses no one will use. The characters don’t have babies. The NPCs don’t even use the furniture you give them. They are capable of sitting in a chair, and that’s all. One time I think I might have seen one getting ale out of the keg, but I’m not sure if he really did that or was just randomly gesturing in the vicinity of the keg. So there’s no satisfaction of knowing you helped someone. And the materials have no meaning. Why is one material able to build one thing but not another? What are the material properties for engineering? You have tons of tungsten, but can’t make light bulb filaments or fake gold bars with it. Anyway, I’m about to leave for work.

I’m trying to think, but my coworker won’t stop talking

November 23, 2017

This coworker is on drugs. I’m trying to do stuff but I can’t think a single thought. She literally talks nonstop even when I give signals that I’m mostly ignoring her. She’s illiterate so she can’t entertain herself except by talking nonstop to me. I have her here for another hour and a half. She can’t stop talking because of the drugs she’s on. This is HORRIBLY ANNOYING.

Chronic fatigue, and the movies

November 22, 2017

I was having problems with chronic fatigue yesterday as I unscrewed those long brass screws. All of them were very tight and wouldn’t move, but as soon as I put duct tape all over my screwdriver I was able to do it. But still, I collapsed in pain gasping for breath after every couple minutes, because my arms experience a lot of chronic fatigue – getting tired no matter how in shape I am. I took a break and ended up seeing two movies on the day when they’re cheap – half off on Tuesdays. The first movie was packed – “Wonder,” about a kid with a genetic problem that caused facial deformities. There was almost no room left. The second movie was “Let There Be Light,” which I watched out of curiosity, knowing I wouldn’t really like it. I did like it, but rather, I’m still not Christian.

Both movies showed a common theme for the ESFJ: total helplessness about the power to prevent tragedies and a total lack of control over causes and effects. They don’t say, as I do, that cancer was caused by something. It’s just a totally random tragedy probably caused by genes. So is deformity – totally genetic and random, a bad lottery. None of them focus on systemic causes of disease, like chemical pollution or vaccines. They don’t look to the future with a sense of control, thinking those things can be prevented. Instead, they just accept the painful emotions caused by random tragedies. This is a difference in how ISTP and ESFJ view the world. But they all seem to have this belief that “it’s genetic” or “finding the cause is impossible.”

Going to the movies was actually “their” suggestion, although Tuesday is a good day to go. It’s always more full when it’s half price.

I have to go to work in a while so I’m getting up now. I had another dream of carrying a baby – I just remembered one from a few weeks ago too, a weird and annoying baby that I didn’t like and it wasn’t mine. That might have been referring to the extremely annoying guy on POF that is incapable of conversation.

Two movies, both ESFJ, and severe insomnia from ascorbic acid

November 22, 2017

I don’t have much time. I’m about to go to work. I was very confused when I woke up because I thought I had to go to Aunt Jean’s house today for Thanksgiving. I was sure of it. I thought so all night long and all day yesterday. I was convinced it was “tomorrow,” Wednesday. I hope that was, in fact, a mistake, because I didn’t go and am planning to go tomorrow.

I got this juice with ascorbic acid added. I usually try to avoid added vitamin C because it causes side effects like rashes for me. I forgot it also caused insomnia. I couldn’t sleep even though I was very tired and wanted to, so I played Terraria until the morning light, around 7:30 am. I finally set it aside and laid down to sleep, and I did sleep, only to wake up a little while later extremely confused. I argued with myself that Thanksgiving isn’t on Wednesday so I can go back to sleep. I did finally sleep some more, but had a nightmare.

I was going to eat dinner with a group of people in an extremely fancy restaurant that had been extremely expensive to build. It was located in a trailer-like building which was hanging from chains or cables on the side of a very tall skyscraper. You could see through the windows and try to grab the edge of the building because it constantly felt like it would fall.

I actually went to this hanging trailer thing and experienced the fear of falling and was told it was very expensive and was designed to induce fear and feelings of helplessness. Meanwhile, the entire group I was to meet was elsewhere, not in this hanging trailer. (I think I recall being told that Howard Roark from The Fountainhead built the trailer.) They were on the bottom floor in a sane, comfortable, non-terrifying room. They all took it for granted that it was crazy to go to the restaurant in the hanging trailer on the extremely high side of the skyscraper. I’m going to assume the skyscraper is Dad, because he is financially much stronger than I am.

Yay, I got it! Taking a break

November 21, 2017

The door is now taken off. I can see the wooden thing with ripped staples. I’ll be able to fix this. The staples aren’t important. Something else happened where the door connects to the sliding track. But now that I can see it and get to it, it will be easy to fix. I’m going to get something to eat. I accidentally bought Sheetz brand cashews, which had a disgusting seasoning that including red, blue, and two different kinds of yellow food coloring, along with snot flavor (yeast extract). I no longer can bear the taste of yeast extract now that I recognize it as tasting the same as hocked loogies during a bad cold or flu. So I want something else to eat. My arms are in pain from unscrewing something on the ceiling – it’s an awful position.

Housework, continued

November 21, 2017

The reason why the “Astronauts” National Geographic is on the floor in that photo is because I needed to cover the heat vent. I dropped a screw, one of the smaller easier ones, and was lucky it didn’t go down the vent, so I covered it.

Nothing is as hopeful and inspiring as the Lowe’s Hardware full color photo instruction book with do-it-yourself solar projects. They are not just solar electricity, they are also direct uses of heat, like solar water distillers and solar heat collectors and water heaters. They don’t imply that it will take over 100% of the heating, but rather, it *reduces* the cost of heating and the use of conventional heat or gas heat. It must be part of a hybrid system that uses several methods cooperating.

I love and hate the book, because it shows it all being done perfectly with modern conventional tools, like caulk, a chemical, which I would like to avoid. It’s possible to make it look professional according to modern mainstream norms, and the goal is to sell more products sold at Lowe’s, which I don’t mind, in this case.

However, wouldn’t it be nice to see a book exactly like that, but customized to my local forest? Instead of shopping at Lowe’s, I’ll shop in a medium growth deciduous forest of Bellefonte, PA, using the type of sandstone we have here, the species of trees we have here, and the type of dirt we have here.

I wouldn’t mind using clean burning coal – “clean” as in its emissions go through extreme filtering. I may get heavy metal poisoning from touching coal with my hands. Why are people severely deformed in WV? Coal and its chemicals from refineries, and other chemical factories in the area on the rivers, factories everywhere. People’s IQ is also extremely low if they are deformed. It’s visible and obvious. Factory emissions and chemicals in the soil, air, and water cause severe deformities, and I have no knowledge of whether coal, in and of itself, without refining, can cause these deformities. I don’t know.

I’m still not done, but maybe this is the last one

November 21, 2017

The nice thing about coal is I can go to Centralia, PA, and scoop it off the ground with a shovel for free, as long as I don’t mind getting less-than-perfect coal. It meets the criteria of being extremely low-tech, simple, and local. Native Americans surely must have burned coal, as they also quarried other types of stones. You know, why don’t we hear about this, the coal-burning natives? We act like Europeans *invented* the burning of coal.

But extreme filtering of smoke is something I have no knowledge of, just as I don’t know how to divert my exhaust from the LP heater into a heat-absorbing water-surrounded pipe or something. I don’t know how scrubbers work, or how to bubble the smoke through water.

I tripped the circuit breaker by trying to run the oil filled radiator at the highest setting, and then turning on my little tiny space heater fan too. They all shut off, and so did my refrigerator, and so did my electric blanket. So I had absolutely no plugged in appliances at all, and no heat, neither electric nor gas.

I was very distressed. I looked in my trailer’s instruction manual, a pdf on my laptop, but it didn’t say exactly where the fuse box was located, only that it was “near the converter,” and never said where that was. I finally deduced it by looking at where the external power line went into the wall. It goes into a little wooden cabinet door under the kitchen sink. I was thrilled to be able to turn it back on with a mere switch, and not to have to replace an actual blown fuse. I really didn’t know what to expect. I was afraid I’d have to call a repair person because of THIS, too.

I’m just taking a break from unscrewing. It’s exhausting but I’m making slow progress. I need a Lowe’s book with detailed full color photo instructions on making your own spaceship, and starting your own moon colony. You can make your atmospheric dome using the clear plastic in aisle 7! Don’t sit around waiting for government disclosures!

Duct taped screwdriver, sticky side out, and my earthquake-proof trailer

November 21, 2017

I’m working on unscrewing the door rail again. Today I wrapped the screwdriver in duct tape with the sticky side out. I was glancing around the room for objects to use to make it stickier, and almost used a menstrual pad (a fresh one), just because that was available. I need grip on the handle. It gets sweaty and just slips uselessly. I need a rubber grip with those fins that stick out. It needs to withstand extreme turning force. I think also that I need one which is only a tiny fraction larger in size or something, but the other screwdriver I have, which looks larger, just slips right over the hole. The indentation, whatever it’s called, in the screw. It’s like the fins of the screwdriver need to stick out more, while the depth of the tip must be shallower.

The only reason I know the word “fins” and can use it today is because the radiator instructions called those things “fins,” the sections of the radiator, and I at least glance at the instructions.

I become very hot and start ripping off clothing layers as soon as I’m working on unscrewing, but the instant I stop, I freeze. It’s “warm” outside today, in the big scheme of things.

Why a sudden memory, out of nowhere, of riding in the child seat of the grocery cart, and looking up near the ceiling and seeing the big words with the ads and sections of the store, like “dairy” or “delicatessen?”

My trailer must withstand extreme bumping and bouncing if it is actually pulled along the road over ruts and potholes. Part of this door frame seems to have been ripped from the wall and is hanging at an angle (hanging loose, I guess) with exposed metal staples. It probably happened during a routine earthquake on the highway somewhere during transit.

I’m gonna run out of text. I’ll do a second post. Last night I tripped the circuit breaker. I didn’t blow a fuse. It’s not an old fashioned fuse box with fuses that get destroyed and replaced, which I’m thankful for.

Automatic water drip regulator to water indoor plants all the time

November 20, 2017

I bought a rosemary bush at Lowe’s when I bought my new heater, which I haven’t tested yet. I’m eating a snack and drinking my Perrier water (I’m usually drinking Gerolsteiner, and alternating it with plain regular water) and dabbling in my solar power library book. I just went on a crazy, mad shopping trip and bought a book about solar power in addition to the borrowed library one, because the Lowe’s book has huge color photos. I meet tons of Delta Quadra folks at Lowe’s. It’s Delta heaven. ISTPs and ESTJs are tool collectors. I met a store associate who reminded me of Mom.

I cannot buy every object in the store, and there are some sections that I do not love, such as the toxic pesticides or paints and chemicals. But I love tools and hardware and building supplies.

But I accidentally went the wrong way and ended up at Pier One Imports, which I remembered from years ago as being really interesting. It was slightly duller than I remembered.

The colors I want are brighter, crazier, intense, like the welcome mat I posted on Twitter, colors like the strokes of pastel crayons. Nothing is that bright. People fear brightness and bold craziness. Their guests would disapprove. But my crazy intense colors must please only me. When I scan and post copies of my old paintings, you’ll see how I drew. Use every color in the box. I’m sick of dull soulless lifeless colors in this town.

Oh – but I want automatic dripping pipes to give collected rainwater to my future house full of mosses and plants. It is easier than watering manually, which took forever at the WV house when Mom died. Did my mom really die? That’s weird.

One screw!

November 19, 2017

I actually took out two other small easy screws. But I’m assuming the screw on the other end of the rail will be as hard as this one.

The electronics book, and the impossible screw, continued

November 19, 2017

I’m actually not done yet. That screw holding up the rail that the bedroom door slides on is so impossible to turn, and it also seems extremely long and deep. I’ve made progress unscrewing it (lefty loosy, counterclockwise, was effective – at first I thought I must be tightening it, because of how hard it was to turn), but it never gets easier. Usually screws are only hard at first and then they get easier after a couple turns, but no – equally hard with every turn. I think I need the next larger screwdriver. I don’t have a screwdriver with interchangeable tips because I hate how they feel, all loose and wobbly in my hand. I had one in the past. This one skips over the screw hole thing and will be stripping it every time it slips. I have to push very hard, which means I can do about two turns, then I collapse, gasping for air like I’m having a heart attack, over and over. It is unbearable to use my arm muscles in that position. You would not believe my hours-long struggle to unscrew ONE screw. Jacob gets upset when I breathe funny. It scares him. He meows angrily at me if I gasp for air too loudly after each struggle.

The book about electronics is sort of too easy, but also, I won’t remember a thing unless I do thousands of calculations by hand on paper. My hands teach my brain. I learned chemistry that way in school. To this day I can still convert measurement units by drawing a little table. Twelve dollars per six hours times seven days, and so on.

But a video game, I thought of. I never use the electrical stuff in Terraria. But others do, online, making traps for monsters. I thought, why not a circuit wiring video game, to teach! Maybe it already exists!

But Radio Shack also exists. It’s online, though they left town (and woe, John says Tech Shop shut down!). Radio Shack sells hobby kits for wiring things. I need one! I’ve always wanted one. Project: hack my old Nokia so I can use it on 4G networks. Best phone I ever had.