Archive for December, 2017

Eating at Ni Hao and wanting an Asian baby; dreams of Severus Snape

December 30, 2017

12:16 PM 12/30/2017

Eating at Ni Hao and wanting an Asian baby; dreams of Severus Snape

I’m writing at home on my laptop, which means my keys might stop working at some point – there are particular keys that don’t always work. I don’t have my other new keyboard hooked up. It’s in a bag somewhere waiting to be unpacked. I stopped all the unpacking due to the ephedra explosion weeks ago, and also due to the cold. It will begin again when the sun rises and when it becomes warmer.

I tried to go to Hundred Degree Hot Pot to get kidney, the only place I know of in town that sells it. They might have it at some of the other Asian places but I’m not familiar with them all. If they have ‘difficult’ items on the menu, including things that I myself find impossible to eat, such as tendon, which causes me to feel like I’m about to vomit, then they will also have organs and other difficult items. The food items that are healthy are also the primitive, hard-to-eat, inconvenience foods, things with bones and tendons in them, things that have to be cut and are hard to access, things that can’t just be wolfed down with one hand while you’re driving your car to work.

I don’t necessarily believe that every single hard-to-eat, scary, challenging, difficult item is good for you. I’m not a believer in natto, for instance. Yes, it has a huge amount of vitamin K2, if I recall, but I’m not going to try to eat it for that reason. If I have to eat natto in order to get vitamin K2, then vitamin K2 isn’t that important for me to be getting. There is always some other

I also am not interested in trying things like puffer fish, something poisonous where you have to cut it the exact right way to avoid releasing the poison and contaminating it (I think it’s puffer fish but I’m not sure). I don’t like walking a fine line by death where my life depends on the skills and the morals of another person. That person could decide to poison me on purpose and accidentally let slip while cutting the puffer fish, then say it’s a normal risk of eating that food and blame me for choosing to take that risk.

So I have my limits, but at the same time, I am a foodie who wants to try unfamiliar things, while avoiding poisonous things, and there are, literally, millions upon millions of unfamiliar foods that are not poisonous, although some may be less palatable, or a difficult texture. But many many of them are very palatable, delicious, a perfect texture, cheap and easy to produce, healthy, not the least bit poisonous, and yet, not used, not available, and not for sale in our stupid society, such as wild amaranth greens. Amaranth is so hardy, it resists herbicides and it becomes a nuisance weed that factory farmers hate, but it’s an edible native plant which should be the very thing that they are farming and harvesting – but no! narrow-minded people don’t think that way.

I want to make a restaurant where you pick your greens off of live potted plants which are growing in soil, not hydroponically, and which do not receive artificial light except temporarily during the time when the people are picking them to eat, since it will be indoors in the restaurant and people have to be able to see them. You can wash off the soil if you want, if you think there might be soil. The soil will be all natural, with zero pesticides at all (not just the organic standard of ‘just a little bit of pesticide is okay’ – the organic standard should be raised so that ‘only absolute zero is okay’), and zero chemical fertilizers, although the ashes of certain things should be okay – the ashes of wood, and the ashes of compostable foods, perhaps, but not ashes from anything toxic – ashes, and ground up stone powder, anything primitive, could be used in a way like fertilizer, without requiring chemicals to be manipulated in a factory. It will be a higher-than-organic standard.

At Ni Hao – well, wait. I tried to go to Hundred Degree Hot Pot, but it’s been closed for a few months. I thought it was going to reopen, but it hasn’t. It had a sign saying they were going to relocate to where Fuji & Jade Garden is, but they didn’t.

I never tried actually eating at 100 Degree and using their ‘hot pot’ feature, so I don’t really know how it works, but I got the impression that you would choose your own foods and then have them cooked or something. I only would order a couple specific menu items every time, things I couldn’t get anywhere else in town, kidney in particular. I also got the laughably impossible-to-eat spicy hot soup which caused me to start involuntarily coughing and spitting it out the instant it touched the inside of my mouth. I had to wait hours for it to cool down in temperature, then eat a tiny bit at a time to be able to tolerate the spiciness. Why? I don’t know. I think Asians have fewer spicy hot receptors in their mouths.

So, after being disappointed to see that 100 Degree was still closed, I ended up going to Ni Hao for the first time. I had heard they had a buffet and it was very good. I love a buffet because I love to choose exactly what I will eat, instead of being forced to accept some chef’s opinion of what he thinks is the best combination of foods. That’s fine for people who are stupid or ignorant and know nothing about nutrition. If you have no knowledge and no preferences about what you will eat, then you have to let a chef decide which foods will go together for you. I do accept that to a limited extent, and sometimes, somebody else makes a really good recipe and a really good food combination that I didn’t make up myself.

But yet, I am able to choose a bunch of foods that I want, and they won’t necessarily taste good together. Sometimes I know they’re good for me, and the individual food items are good, but mixing them together doesn’t always work well in terms of flavor, but I place less importance on flavor than I do on health. I want to know that the food has particular nutrients and that it’s doing something for my body. I want the most nutrient dense foods available, but at the same time, great variety, so that if some authority figures are
popularizing some superfood, so that everyone thinks they have to eat kale in every meal three times a day because kale is the healthiest food on the planet, I don’t want that. I might eat a bite or two of kale, a few bites of watercress (‘oh no! the nutrient density is less than kale! don’t waste a single second of your time on any nutrient density which is less than the absolute highest on the list! only choose the absolute highest, and not even the runner-up will do!) – I’m not obsessed with choosing the absolute highest on the list.

Variety is another value which balances with the value of nutrient density. You have to have a variety of different plant toxins so that you are not eating a whole bunch of plant toxins from just one kind of plant. Also, nutrients are mysterious and unknown, and you can get unknown, undocumented benefits from eating various plants (or animals – I say that we get secondhand hormones from them, naturally, not toxic xenohormones but rather normal hormones from their glands).

I’m also going to avoid drugs, and chocolate is a drug. I don’t care how many antioxidants cacao has. that’s – the shift key has stopped working now. That’s no excuse for eating a drug. You can find millions of antioxidants elsewhere. I don’t care if the number of antioxidants is a really high number. High numbers do not impress me. High numbers of substances should be balanced with variety while avoiding the use of addictive substances, and chocolate is an addictive substance, with caffeine, theobromine, and theophylline. Tea is also a toxic drug which will be avoided, no matter how many millions claim it is a health food (camellia sinensis).

And on the subject of toxic substances, the discussion of plastic dental fillings being the #1 source of all of our BPA and BPA-like substances must be talked about. people only talk about how plastic containers are giving it to us, but our dental fillings are the biggest poisoner. We need to practice acceptance of tooth loss, and total prevention of tooth loss should be the goal. Total prevention of cavities, with the goal of achieving a 100% cavity-free mouth from birth till death in the absence of toothbrushing should be the goal. Weston Price found that primitive societies easily achieved this without toothbrushing and without fluoride. No dental fillings of any kind should ever be used. However, I will want to have false teeth that I can temporarily put into my mouth while eating or talking, after I lose all my teeth in the future. It’s impossible to understand people who talk with no teeth, and it’s extremely frustrating and annoying.

So I went to Ni Hao. they have some buffet foods which are ready to eat, but I didn’t get those yesterday. I tried the thing where you pick which foods you would like to have cooked, and then go get them cooked. For some reason, when I went to Green Bowl in town, in State College, i didn’t like it, even though it is a similar concept. I can’t remember exactly why I didn’t like it. Maybe i didn’t like what they had to choose from. I just remember my meal didn’t turn out well at all. I got to pick what I wanted in it, then have it cooked, and it somehow turned out to be terrible and I can’t explain why.

At Ni Hao, you choose which sauce you want added. the sauce is suspicious and it contains unknown ingredients. I am not going to idealize or perfectionize Ni Hao or Asians. Asians are smart, but they also have a society full of toxic poisons and pollution. They’re eating things like ‘gutter oil,’ and they eat soy, and I believe that all soy should be avoided regardless of how it’s processed – I differ from the Weston Pricers who believe that ‘as long as it’s traditional, it’s perfectly fine.’ No, I believe some traditions should end, and the use of soy at all should end. If anyone thinks Asians are ‘lacking testosterone’ or ‘seem to be effeminate,’ soy is probably the reason why.

Mongolians are certainly not ‘lacking testosterone’ or ‘effeminate.’ Mongolians are the big hearty warriors wearing fur and carrying a hunting hawk on their arm (this is one of the typical photos that comes up on google). they eat meat, and I don’t think they eat tons of soy. In their markets, you can find for sale the head of a cow, for instance. It’s just there along with the other gory, disgusting animal parts. When they slaughter an animal, they don’t throw away all the disgusting gory parts. they try to use them somehow. this is why in general Asians are healthier, one of the reasons, although I believe they simply have healthier genes too.

So I don’t remember exactly why I really disliked Green Bowl, and maybe I’ll have to go there again and try again.

But my meal turned out to be really great. But still, the sauce was suspicious. I got the hibachi sauce, which was oyster flavored. It might possibly have contained MSG or something similar. I felt the slightest bit of a headache while eating there.

I also had dreams last night, which were unusual. I hardly ever can remember my dreams. But after eating there, my mental alertness was very high, and not really in a good way. It was a sort of agitated, uncomfortable restlessness which made me feel irritable. I had a little bit of the good feeling that results from eating really healthy food. I can tell within 24 hours that my body feels much, much better if i’ve finally eaten greens after going weeks and weeks forced to eat garbage from places like Sheetz. I like Sheetz food and it’s convenient and I eat there almost every day, just like I was eating at Burger King almost every day, but ideally I don’t choose those foods when I have a way of getting better foods.

I think it should simply be illegal to sell unhealthy food. And I would define what constitutes healthy and unhealthy, and it would be a shockingly restrictive, appalling list. I don’t even think the selling of white flour should be legal, or anything made from white flour. It’s just such junk, it distracts you from eating nutrient dense foods, it’s not necessary, and there are alternatives, and you can learn to live without it. Everything made from white flour should just be completely banned.

However, due to my ephedra explosion disaster, and due to the cold weather, I can’t cook at home and can’t do any more food experiments, so I can’t experiment with any kind of flour at all or sourdough to find out whether there is such a thing, any such thing as healthy flour of any kind. If it’s freshly ground only minutes before you use it, maybe. but all flour that we use comes in bags from the store and may have been sitting there for months after being ground.

I know that herbs lose their virtues after sitting only a few days. I used to crush up St. John’s Wort and mix it with olive oil, then use it on my skin. It quickly lost its effectiveness after only a couple days. the desired effects would stop, and the undesired effects (sleeping constantly and forever) were the only effects left. the desired effect was a particular kind of mental sensation which was hard to describe, and it was very subtle. It had to be fresh, and it only happened sometimes, from certain parts of the plant (the stem, I think???), and not all plants would always do it.

If that happens to a medicinal plant, then the same thing happens to our food. Perhaps some unwanted toxins also decrease when something sits a long time, but surely, nutrients and the mysterious beneficial substances which are undocumented will also decrease. I remember reading long ago that methyl sulfonyl methane was something which vanishes quickly in foods that are not fresh after only a very brief time.

So flour might be healthy if you grind it yourself, and if you planted it and picked it yourself. But I can’t do those experiments right now.

Nightshades are also off limits. All of them contain nicotine. I am going to just say it is outright nicotine, and not tomatine or something. it’s nicotine and it’s addictive and that’s the only reason why people want them. You think tomatoes contribute some kind of special umami flavor or something that you can’t live without, and life without tomatoes is unthinkable. I know. I did the feingold diet years ago, and one of the elimination foods is tomatoes because of salicylate testing. You can bring them back later if you test them and find they don’t cause major problems. But I want to avoid all nightshades in my diet. And there will be unknown things in the future which have drugs just like that but I don’t know about them yet. they are yet to be discovered.

tomatoes trigger caffeine cravings and are extremely counterproductive for anybody who is trying to quit any and all addictive drugs, whether it be alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, or some other drugs. All addictive drugs trigger cravings for all the others. All addictions are interlinked. All are gateway drugs that encourage you to use others.

So yes, my food laws would be shockingly, unthinkably restrictive. You can’t even imagine how shockingly restrictive they are. I want the entire world to sell me only the foods that are acceptable on my list, prepared according to my instructions of how they are allowed to prepare them.

And yet, at the same time, millions more alternatives would suddenly become available. We would be using millions more plant, animal, insect, and mineral species that we aren’t using now. So it’s the very opposite of restrictive in some ways.

Well, when I ate there, I almost swallowed fishbones, and will have to remember to be careful about them in the future. I got a small piece of fish from one of the ready-to-eat sections, in addition to the foods I had cooked for me. the fish had some fins on it which were visible, and I knew I had to avoid those. So I picked it apart a little bit before I started to eat it.

I thought I had successfully separated the meat from the fin section, so I started to put it into my mouth, but then I felt a whole row of small bones maybe 1/8 inch wide each stabbing me in the lip. It wasn’t just one bone. I was about to put a whole row of little tiny blades into my mouth. So I took it out of my mouth and worked on separating the meat from the bones again.

I made a mistake. I worked on that piece of fish on the same plate where I had all my other food mixed together. I should have done it on a separate small plate of its own. Later on, as I was eating the last little bits of small stuff, I found another stabby blade mixed in with the food, and I had to pick it out of my mouth. So next time, the fish gets a separate plate.

one of the things about eating inconvenience foods is, you have to watch out for the dangerous bones. If food has dangerous stabby bones in it, it’s probably good for you. It’s less processed. But it’s bad if it comes from a factory, processed, with some bones shredded up in it by accident when you least expect it.

I’m getting kind of tired of writing, but I didn’t talk about the dreams yet.

I would like to have a racially mixed baby, and I’ve considered several races – I loved the Maya pygmies from Guatemala when I worked with them at Kaarma Restaurant. I loved the Koreans at Maki Yaki. I loved my Mongolian roommate on Waupelani Drive (although we didn’t get along perfectly in every way, and I’m sure she thought I was a disgusting, stupid slob). I love a whole lot of other races although I have difficulty with Africans – although there are some situations where I am okay with them, relatively. It’s the one race I would strongly prefer not to have children with, unless I knew I was having thirty children and I had started from a young age, and there was less pressure to have ‘the one perfect only child.’ If I have to have one single perfect only child, my last and final child, at the age of 53 or whenever it is that I will finally be able to have a child, my last and only one, I would rather it not be from an African.

i also want it to come from my socionic dual (ENFP), and not from illusionaries (ESFP) or other types that are available. Yes, if I wanted to have a baby with any random man, I could easily do so, right this very instant. It’s not for a lack of anyone willing to fertilize me. There are hundreds of millions of men who would have sex with me, and also with ‘anything with a hole.’ I’m not claiming that I’m especially attractive. If I wanted to have sex with any random man who would fuck anything-with-a-hole, then yes, I could easily get pregnant (as long as I was able to increase my fertility).

the problem with racial mixing is that people with different racial characteristics will have a harder time maintaining a marriage for life. If one person talks at an extremely fast speed, and the other talks at a very slow speed (even for my own race, I am a relatively slow talker and slow thinker), that causes incompatibility. The perfectionism of Asians is much higher. They have higher standards about everything in every way, millions of things that are
inconceivable to me.

they have finer hand coordination and can do tiny things which require almost psychic power to perform, such as carving miniature letters or painting them (I forget which) on tiny objects by hand, merely by feel. and they are, overall, almost psychic. They have better health, stronger thicker fingernails, and faster growing hair which is a coarser thickness. the Maya Guatemalans also had extremely fast growing hair, and Blaire my coworker, who has Mexican blood, also has extremely fast growing hair, more than 1/2 inch per month. It’s more like 1 inch per month. Maybe even more.

Stronger hair and nails correlates with stronger nerve cells and a better brain with better neurons. The part of the body, in the developing fetus, that the skin comes from is also the same area that the brain comes from. thicker longer hair indicates the presence of better neurons, possibly longer neurons.

But I’m disgusted by almost all white people, too, so having some incompatibilities with superior races, and trying to marry my own race instead, is still not the best idea. I might possibly be attracted to other people who come from the same geographic region that most of my own race came from (I have one tiny drop of Native American), which is somewhere around Ireland and Wales. I find a lot of those people to be beautiful, although in modern times many have extremely severe Weston Price deformities.

Basically, anyone who looks different from the giant American pigs who surround me is more attractive. the ‘pigs’ are everywhere as I walk down the street. I just can’t stand all the giant pigs. Anything but them.

I myself wasn’t fat until an unknown substance poisoned me in the summer of 2016. I have a list of possible causes. It was sudden onset irreversible abdominal obesity. Prior to that, I have a photo of my flat stomach from only a month or two before it happened.

It might have been: 1. the cup of alcoholic sour raita milk I was given at Kaarma; 2. the montmorillonite clay I bathed in; 3. transdermal and possibly some oral ingestion of tiny traces of the hopniss plant poison, since i ordered them and got them and planted them around that time, and became extremely sick for a while; 4. drinking energy drinks with sucralose and other artificial sweeteners; 5. a secondhand psychiatric drug absorbed transdermally, excreted through the skin of a person who came to live at the Youngs’ house for a while during that time… I forget the other items on the list. Surely I’ll remember a few more right after I post this, which is what always happens, and then i’ll get the urge to post again.

I’ll just continue the story.

I really enjoyed the food, aside from the row of stabby blades in the fish. i felt great, although there was a sensation of agitation and restlessness and discomfort from suspected MSG.

Last night, i had dreams.

Oh, I forgot to mention the toxic chopsticks. I’ve never encountered toxic chopsticks before. I like the flattest non-rounded non-dowel chopsticks, which you break in half from a flat piece of wood. the flat surface makes it easy to grab the food, whereas a rounded surface makes it hard to grab food, as a rounded surface has less surface area touching the food. But these chopsticks at Ni Hao smelled like the same toxic chemical which is used as a preservative on jute twine and burlap fabric. It was this toxic, petroleum-smelling stuff that I don’t know the name of. On a food contact surface! My lips are still burning today from touching it. I can feel just a tiny trace of irritation.

Anyway, I don’t usually recall my dreams anymore, which means I probably did get some MSG in my food, probably from the sauce he put on when he cooked it. I think MSG gives me dreams.

As wonderful as that food was, and as much as I needed leafy greens, in reality, objectively, there still wasn’t a lot of variety. If I went there and ate their food every single day, I would quickly use up all the choices. There weren’t a huge number of different types of leafy greens. Granted, it was wonderful compared to Sheetz and Burger King and pizza from MM at work. it had more vegetables and greens than they do. But objectively, there are ten million other kinds of leafy greens they could have included for variety.

Which is why I said: In MY restaurant, you will pick your own greens from live potted plants in soil (except watercress and seaweed and other water plants, which are *allowed* to be ‘hydroponic’ according to the criteria that I will provide), so there will be huge variety, but zero waste. The worst thing that can happen is, if a particular plant is unpopular, it will still sit there, growing and surviving, untouched. Lucky plant! Nothing bad, nothing wrong with that at all!

It’s better than pulling it up out of the ground, killing it, then throwing it in the garbage because nobody likes it and it’s unpopular. It can be as unpopular as it wants to be while it’s still alive! Hence, much more variety. I can have a row of 200 live plants that you walk down, picking the leaves you want for your salad, and not a single plant will die (I’ll remove them if they’re overplucked, and give them rest and peace elsewhere so they can regrow and recover).

Okay, 200 plants might be overwhelming, but you get the idea. Even a mere dozen plants will be a much greater variety of leafy greens than we normally encounter at a buffet or any restaurant! They might have two or three species and nothing more. I think they have more species than that, but still. Many of them were conventional, familar things: various species of cabbage, celery, zucchini, stuff like that. Nothing weird and unfamiliar. Nothing exotic, nothing esoteric.

Greater variety means greater risk and greater waste – you don’t know if anybody will eat all these less popular plants, and you have to open a whole bag, or kill a whole plant by uprooting it (on factory farms, that is), and then waste the whole bag when someone doesn’t eat it all. Not so with live plants in pots that people will pick from! No risk at all, except the cost of taking up space and the cost of being tended and kept alive. But that’s different. It feels less wasteful, the idea of tending some live plants and just keeping them alive, than it is to kill them and throw them away.

Okay. the dreams.

I was dating Severus Snape. I know how this happened. It happened from a combination of a couple things.

First, I really adore Adam Driver. To me, he’s gorgeous, and he has a gorgeous huge nose. I love huge noses. I’m not kidding. I’ve been trying to sociotype him and I keep guessing either ENFP or ESFP, and I really cannot decide which. It’s very hard to type lookalikes (socionic types that differ only by having the other base function – hard to explain and I won’t get into it right now) without using an EEG, or without a long time period of extended, repeated interactions with them. I thought Jesse was an ENFP when I first met him, but he was an ESFP on psychiatric drugs. I thought Matthew was an ENFP, but it’s theoretically possible that he, too, was an ESFP. I’ve been thinking of him again recently wondering if that’s what our problem was.

Anyway, Adam Driver had the vaguest resemblance to a combination of Severus snape, and also that guy…. that guy… the Breakfast club guy. I can see him, I just can’t name him. That guy. I saw Adam Driver on a magazine cover, which reminded me about the new Star Wars movie, which I went and saw. Judd Nelson! In that photo he looked like him.

Then, in addition to that, ‘they’ gave me the urge to google photos of the kids who played Albus Severus Potter, and Scorpius Malfoy, from The Cursed Child, which I read from the library. I forgot to look up Delphi, but i should find her too.

Then, on a web page that typed celebrities, where they mentioned Joseph Gordon-Levitt as an ENFP (which was funny, because when he first caught my attention in Inception, I typed him as ISTJ, although I really loved him). they have some horribly weird mistypings on that web page, such as ISTP for Steve Jobs, who socionics types as ENFJ. They have mistypings which are *not* merely caused by the J/P switch for introverts, because they also do quasi-identical mistypes for extraverts.

But they typed Jack White from The White Stripes, the band that wrote that song with that line, ‘I’m going to Wichita, away from this opera forevermore; I’m gonna work the straw till the sweat drips from every pore; and I’m pleading and I’m pleading and I’m pleading right before the Lord; all the words are gonna bleed from me, and I will sing no more’ – For some reason that line was very memorable to me, very moving, and I loved it. It has a cathartic feeling. You’re working so much and sweating so much, so busy being productive, that you can’t worry about anything anymore, and it’s cleansing you of all the corruption and the poisoning, and you bleed it all out. I understand the idea of not talking anymore. talking, and writing, can be an unhealthy habit caused by drug use. Sometimes silence is healthier, at the monastery where we cleanse ourselves. It has elements that I recognize in that idea.

So, they typed him as ENFP, which was funny – a year or two ago, I tried to type him, because I was ovulating and I suddenly decided he was the most fuckable thing on the planet. So I tried to type him and I guessed he was probably ISFP, my kindred.

They also typed Julian Assange ENFP! once again, I found Julian Assange attractive (long beautiful white hair) and tried to type him once, but I guessed he was probably ISFJ, Gamma Quadra. The socionics community guessed he was ENFJ. This web page I looked at threw him in with the ENFPs. I’m aware that people guess all different types for celebrities – it can only be resolved with EEG.

Jack White has a kind of sick, evil feeling to the attractiveness I feel for him. I don’t know how to explain the sick evil attraction, the attraction to darkness. He’s a smoker. It’s not a healthy feeling. Something about it makes me feel violated in a bad way.

So, after I thought about that attraction to the darkness, after looking at pictures of Adam Driver and trying to type him, and he played a character working for the dark side – at least he didn’t get outright killed off at the end of the movie, which I’m VERY GLAD ABOUT! I hope they reform him!

after all that, they decided to make me dream that I was marrried to, or dating, Severus Snape. And I took his hand as we were out walking, and when I took his hand, I felt this wonderful happiness flooding me. It actually makes me almost weep remembering it. It was a wonderful dream. He was imperfect – a middle aged man with a little bit of a belly, but I didn’t care. I loved him so much. I was lying beside him in bed. It wasn’t outright sexual in the dream, although I think I remember kissing him at some point. We had a life together.

I don’t know what sociotype Severus Snape is, but I am very serious and very strict about wanting to marry a socionic dual the ENFP. I have never met anyone able to communicate as deeply and thoroughly to me as they do.

but in the dream I had no idea what he was, I just adored him so much and it was wonderful. It was not a dream about darkness but about light. And I don’t mean ‘the woo-woo light’ which is what you feel, artificially, when you’re meditating and the mind controllers push a button to induce frequencies and sensations in your brain that ‘feel like light.’ Not woo-woo light, but real light. Real happiness in the outside world.

After that, I woke up, then went to sleep again, and had another dream about being with another guy. It wasn’t quite Snape. I don’t know who it was. ‘They,’ the mind controllers, keep noticing and commenting upon how I think Adam Driver is absolutely gorgeous and beautiful, even though he has Weston Price facial deformities (weak chin), and man-boobs, which are visible in the movie when he has his shirt off, which must have resulted from either having used steroids, or having used one of the ADHD drugs that cause man-boobs, or some other psych meds, or baldness drugs. There are several drugs that cause man-boobs. Even in spite of that he’s gorgeous to me. I just can’t help noticing symptoms, and man-boobs are the symptom of drug use, I just can’t identify which drug it was without further information.

I’m vindicated with one thing. In the movie, Kylo Ren and that other girl had a psychic connection. He wasn’t initiating it, and neither was she. It turns out they were both being controlled and forced like puppets to psychically see each other, by the evil guy who was controlling and manipulating them both. EXACTLY! I always say you should assume that all of your ‘psychic phenomena’ are really caused by an external evil source which is mind controlling you, although I also have electromagnetic sensitivity and I believe some phenomena are naturally occurring.

Adam Driver did a really, really great job portraying a sympathetic character. There was a moment when he had his whole army shooting their guns at Luke Skywalker. He portrayed a person who was supernaturally terrified out of his mind, who was exaggerating the huge power of the adversary – and he was right! Luke didn’t even die! He was right to be utterly terrified of the huge power of this person. It turns out Luke was just projecting a false image of himself. Yet strangely, Luke died afterward anyway, as though through an act of will. Hopefully he will be kind and understanding to Adam Driver and will help him. He said if you kill me in anger I will never leave you, or something to that effect, or you’ll never get away from me, something like that.

I just really sensed his sheer terror and his inability to understand the power of his enemy. His fear was visible.

I should go to Weis Market and buy some cat food. I promised Jacob I would get him some more wet food today. He’s been whining and bothering me. I feel horrible for not having good food for him. He’s a helpless slave trapped indoors unable to hunt and eat mice and eat grass. He could do that in the woods, although not while it was snowing and cold. He has terrible food. but he’s a picky eater and he won’t try new things that I’ve tried to give him.

Note: ‘Healthy’ cat foods are often filled with misguided, stupid, toxic, poisonous ingredients that well-meaning people mistakenly believe are good for you, like GREEN TEA!!! a POISON! They included green tea in some of the ‘raw’ cat foods that I tried one time. He wouldn’t eat the particular one I bought him, even though I think I avoided the one that had green tea in it. they’re thinking they can make the cat so sick and nauseated he won’t be able to eat anymore and will lose weight, exactly like green coffee beans and green tea do to humans. They are poison.

So you can’t just go grab a cat food that purports to be healthy! It’s not that easy! You have to buy a magnifying glass and
painstakingly read every single ingredient. I am farsighted now and I can’t read those tiny lists easily all the time anymore. I have to judge each and every ingredient as good or evil, trustworthy or untrustworthy.

The same is true for the ‘paleo’ frozen meals. The one I bought was delicious, but the other brand, as utterly beautiful and amazing as it was to look at, contained things like ‘gum.’ Various kinds of gum indicate that they are untrustworthy. It means they will allow other chemicals in, too. Some chemical dealer has their foot in the door and is convincing them that these chemicals are okay for paleo diets. The one brand that I ate the one meal from had other varieties, which I didn’t get, some of which contained chocolate in their ingredients. Chocolate is a misguided health food which is not suitable for any diet, including paleo. It’s an addictive drug.

I should go to the store now, if I can get out of the snow. I’m about done.

But my only experience of wonderful love was in a dream. I never dream about it, and I never experience it in life either.

Oh, last note, before I post this – I connect Kylo Ren with Snape because I felt convinced, the whole time, that he was not really a bad guy, but a good guy in disguise, and that we would eventually find out that he was doing something to help the good, by pretending to be evil. He’s actually some kind of hero. I haven’t been following the series and haven’t read the comics so I have no idea who he is.

the hacking of corey Goode’s website is extremely stupid and annoying

December 28, 2017

my shift key isn’t always working on this laptop. it works intermittently.

corey goode’s website is being blocked. they know about it and put out a link to the archive of the page, but i just tried to look at the most recent thing yesterday and had to leave because the laptop battery died and I didn’t get to see it. now i want to see it again. It worked yesterday. i want to go to the same apge. the archive doesn’t show the page that appeared yesterday. There’s no point in stupidly and temporarily blocking their page. it accomplishes nothing and it’s just plain stupid. the end.

Maybe tritium

December 28, 2017

I googled it. It might be tritium, not radium. I still felt it though.

The windup mechanical clock that gave me radiation sickness

December 28, 2017

I’m writing this on my phone and it will have to be sent later. It may have a lot of typos because I’m writing it in gmail instead of a text message, and autocorrect behaves strangely in gmail, sometimes correcting things automatically, other times leaving mistakes, and eventually shutting down altogether so that I can’t even see words appearing in the space where you see what it thinks the word is, unless I hit the "home" button and go to the home screen, then restart gmail on that draft again, which makes autocorrect restart.

Yesterday I got a clock at Walmart. I love things that have no batteries, such as windup mechanical clocks, windup anything like old fashioned music boxes, clocks with weights, calculators that run on a tiny solar panel and nothing else, and so on.

I also hate all my phones ever since the Nokia became unusable due to the 4G networks. I hate each and every phone for specific reasons. The Nokia had a screensaver which was always on, displayed in what looked kind of like a dim liquid crystal type display that used very little energy. It lasted for weeks without charging. All my newer phones and other brands have lightup displays that quickly waste electricity. So they don’t have an always visible screensaver, so you have to push a button to look at, say, the time.

I get irritated each and every time I have to push a button to turn the screen on to see what time it is. It’s not like, you know, a screaming rage. It’s just that faint quiet feeling of dislike, except I feel it thousands of times an hour while using those devices. There are ways to design a phone or appliance or vehicle so that every single moment of using it is painless and enjoyable.

Well, so I broke down and tried to get a new clock. I like analog clocks, the round ones with hands, that nobody uses anymore. I want a windup (or self-winding, from your movements) pocketwatch with a chain. Anyway, I was about to get a battery powered wall clock like I’ve had in the past, when I noticed they also had a desk clock that was windup.

Well, I got that one and couldn’t wait to get it home and try it out.

As a "highly sensitive person," there is a chance that every little thing will bother me. First, as I wound up the clock and heard it ticking, I felt that the ticking was too loud and annoying. I was used to a perfect quiet with no ticking. So I muffled it with a sweater that was lying there and the ticking got quieter. So I thought we need to build a tickless mechanical clock – all mechanical, windup, no batteries, but also with a soundproof material or different design that eliminates ticking. I don’t know how it would be redesigned, as I don’t even know how a windup mechanical clock works as it is now.

Well then, the next problem was the ionizing radiation. If my father hadn’t been a radiologist and my mother a nurse, I might never have known this fact. The glowing material on the clock hands is radium. It isn’t the type of glow you get from Cap’n Crunch box plastic glow in the dark toys, where you charge it up by exposing it to light. No, these clock hands glow on their own because they are painted with radium paint.

Well, when I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, I felt awake, painfully, like when I can’t sleep because I’m being burned by too much wifi, or if I talk on the cell phone right before bed, get brain burn, and can’t sleep. Similar sensation. I closed my eyes, but I could still see a dotty speckled green glow on my eyelids in the location where the clock was. I moved the clock, but, while my eyes were open and the lights were on, I saw moving dots of light – I particularly noticed a bright red one like a little shooting star – like the astronauts saw while trying to sleep in space.

Even worse, I very quickly began to feel weak and nauseated. I wanted to throw up. I thought I might be sick because of a very mild case of hypothermia – it was in the single digits and I had just gotten home and hadn’t cranked up all the heat in my bedroom yet. Note, I’m not cold at home if only I shut the bedroom door and turn on both my space heaters and my electric blanket, and I am using multiple sleeping bags and putting my blue camping insulation in them. So I don’t mean to imply that I’m gonna freeze to death or something. It just takes about an hour to really get the room heated up.

But even after I was warm and wrapped in the blankets and insulation, I still felt weak and wanted to vomit.

So I moved the clock out to the living room, and shut my door. I then immediately felt better within only a minute or two.

Sadly, I really, really liked that clock. I love a primitive traditional windup mechanical appliance. However, I don’t necessarily worship all traditions merely because they are traditions. Some traditions need to end. It may be traditional to paint radium on the clock hands, but I want a different clock that abandons this particular tradition.

I also like the idea of a soundproof clock. I wonder what primitive materials are soundproof? Cotton? Wool? Something else?

So, I will try again and might compromise and get a battery powered clock. This particular one is going to vanish. I apologize, but I don’t have the time and energy to take it to Goodwill or someplace, as I’m battling chronic fatigue and caffeine addiction. It’s just going to vanish. I hate, hate throwing things out. It’s very painful and regrettable. I just need to relocate it far away from me immediately, today. I’m not going to postpone it.

I could go on, but this is starting to glitch – it has problems when a message is too long. If I try to move the cursor to fix a word, it suddenly zooms the whole page back up to the top, but not every time.

As usual, something that I ought to really love turns out to have some insurmountable problem that I can’t stand. I sometimes hate being "highly sensitive." Other people aren’t bothered by radiation poisoning from their glowing clock hands.

Quick note

December 27, 2017

I’m at work. I’m doing fine, I just have no phone service on my smartphone, which is why I’m not blogging. Fixing it soon.

I went to Millheim to watch some people playing harps and flutes and for a couple seconds it was almost like there was no evil

December 22, 2017

7:34 PM 12/22/2017

I am more easily exhausted than I used to be, probably because of the huge amount of caffeine I’m using. I have to go to the bathroom, but I’m not comfortable enough in this town to just walk into one of these restaurants and ask if I can use theirs. I feel awkward going back to the Green Drake Art Gallery and asking them, because I’m just about to go back there in a couple minutes to watch a harp performance. I was just there a minute ago to pay for my seat. I got the impression that it might fill up and there would be no seats left, from what the website said.

So I’m just going to wait a couple minutes, then go back there to the art gallery and use theirs.

But I can feel just a little bit happy for a short time, walking around this town, although the happiness is not deep or lasting, as I know the ephedra contamination is at home. I will feel better as the sun rises in January and February, and I will be back to work at making progress and recovering from disaster.

I need to put the warmer cable on the hose outside so that I can still use the water when it’s 5 degrees outside, and then I’m going to install an electric water heater, which I have bought but which is hard to install because you have to connect the cables directly in a permanent way, instead of just plugging it into an outlet. I have a friend who can do it for me for free.

There are Amish people in and around this town, Millheim. They are riding in their carriages, clomping their horse hooves down the street. I wish our streets would be widened for them so that they would not have to be in the same lane as the cars. They need their own roads so that neither they, nor the drivers, get in an accident. One of the ladies at the campground told me her best friend died when she tried to pass an Amish buggy and went into the left lane. She either hit, or almost hit, someone head on, and then crashed. I forget the details.

If I could go to the bathroom I’d feel better quickly. It’s hard to think about much else. I drank a lot of coffee and had a caffeine pill today too.

I saw the paintings in the art gallery. A lot of them were
impressionistic oil paintings full of bright contrasting colors that showed the light. Some of them almost made me feel like there was no evil, like it was possible to be happy. I am encountering evil over and over again. Evil is stupid. Evil is insane. And I can’t blame it on some particular socionic quadra, because I know it affects Betas too – I can’t say that my socionic conflictors are doing it, or my socionic extinguishers, or whatever. Somebody somewhere is doing it, and they have a type, and they belong to some quadra, but I know Betas are victims of them too.

Chuck, the ENFJ who was at the Unitarian Universalist Church, went to some country in South America, like Ecuador, and while he was gone, they murdered his wife’s mother so that they had to cut their trip short and come home suddenly. They don’t want anyone to leave the country or discover that life is happy elsewhere. The woman ‘had a heart attack’ or something like that, but the timing of the incident tells me it was them, not a natural incident. They ‘own’ people from a distance and trade them perhaps like stock on the stock market, even if they do not physically constrain them in a *visible* way.

I didn’t drink any of it, I just smelled it – there were these expired energy drinks in the tiny bottles from work, like Five Hour Energy except some other brand. They had a bunch of herbs in them, including yohimbine, and I can’t remember what that is. I think it might be like an antidepressant, along with ginseng, which was also in there. Whatever it was, merely inhaling it changed my brain patterns today. I decided not to drink it because I didn’t want to be sick and miserable all day long on the day when I was scheduled to go to this harp performance. It’s quite a few months expired, but even if it weren’t, it’s likely too strong for me, and it’s full of sucralose and other disgusting fake sugars.

I was thinking about drug addiction, and comparing it to how vegans say meat eating is an addiction. I don’t have much more time, and I’m about to leave to go to the harps.

I went and it was really great! I’m very glad I went. Now I want to go to more musical performances.

I don’t have a phone connection yet

December 21, 2017

I’m too tired and sick to write. I’ve been sick frequently over the past week and all I’m doing is sleeping, then going to work, and staying till the end of my shift, and doing as little as possible. I can play Terraria sometimes, but that’s all I can do.

Tracfone is sending me a SIM card so I can change my phone number to the old one but still use my smartphone. It’s a long story. I’m too sick to explain. So I can’t even blog from home right now because I have no phones that can get online. The Lunatic Phone could send texts, but I’m not going to use that one.

I need to hook up my water line heating cable, and I need to use the tape I bought in the hopes it will stop the hose from leaking where it connects. I’m too sick to do it today and the caffeine pills are doing nothing. I take a caffeine pill, drink some coffee, and go straight to sleep immediately.

I don’t do well using valerian root. It made my hands and feet numb and paralyzed, and it gave me so much fear that I wasn’t able to sleep. The fear resulted from the fact that it stopped me from breathing. But technically, a sedative might help me break the caffeine habit. But I was paralyzed after the valerian, and I don’t know what’s similar to it. St. John’s Wort causes extreme contamination from the skin, so I can’t use that, and it won’t break my caffeine habit. I use ten times as much caffeine on sjw because it induces the cytochrome P450 to metabolize caffeine faster.

The only way I can quit caffeine is by being unemployed for many weeks. I also quit it when I got pregnant for a couple days before the baby died in September 2016. I quit cold turkey with no effort as soon as I had sex. I do not know the cause of death. I ate pasteurized factory farm Philadelphia cream cheese in my sushi that day. I had been eating sushi at Maki Yaki if I recall, just not cheese. I also ate ginger for the vomiting that was already beginning to develop. I had to prevent vomiting because I was still working at the job.

Several of those things are said to kill the baby. I believe in eating raw organ meat though. Wild humans ate raw freshly killed organs. But cheese is unnatural. And ginger could possibly be poisonous.

I’m too tired and sick to write much more. I can’t handle anything challenging or stressful.

11 December, 2017 18:59

December 11, 2017

[Cap’n Crunch whistles needed so I can make phone calls]I’m remembering something I read about phone hacking or “fone phreaks.” There was a toy whistle in Cap’n Crunch cereal that made a tone exactly like something the phone system needed to access some command.

The reason I’m thinking about phone hacking is because of how much I hate all of my phones. I have four phones. Two are disabled, and this one I’m using ends tonight. My “real” phone number is on the only phone I’ll have left, which is the Lunatic Phone. I’m going to transfer that number to the smartphone, not because I necessarily love everything about the smartphone either, but because it’s the one that’s being used most out of the ones I have. If I made a smartphone, it wouldn’t be like this one.

Old phones had a spinning dial where you stuck your finger in a hole to turn it. It made clicks over the line. I wonder if the phone system still understands Grandma’s clicks if she hasn’t bought a new phone yet. “Pulse” or “tone” dialing. I remember being able to change a setting on a switch to change my phone from pulse to tone dialing, and you could listen to the clicks going on “pulse.”

I want to hack all my existing phones to make a new one that I like. It could be made of wood or cardboard, since I don’t have access to plastic molding prototype-makers. I will solder the wires myself. It will be as simple as a calculator, powered by a solar panel, and the battery will remain charged for months without plugging in. There will be NO APPS secretly downloading garbage until I forcibly set it to never download anything unless connected to wifi because THEY LOVE IT when I waste the data minutes I paid for. Remember, oligopolies love waste and theft because it’s all profit to them. I call it an oligopoly but I’m offline and am not sure if that’s the word. Not a single monopoly, but a group of powerful elite groups with government privileges.

The Lunatic Phone is so bad I suspect their company was sabotaged to make people use smartphones.

The sourdough alcohol incident

December 9, 2017

I’m typing this on my phone at work, so it won’t be as well explained as I would like. Basically I have been making "wild caught" sourdough at home. I cooked a little bit and tasted it. It had so much alcohol in it that I had trouble walking straight. I’m a teetotaller, zero alcohol. So I notice it. It gave me a pleasant relaxing feeling in my abdomen, but I also felt a sort of sickness at the same time. I actually felt like I was going to pass out after I woke up today, but didn’t let myself pass out because I spent all morning struggling not to vomit. Alcohol withdrawal is affecting me now. I’m in a horribly bad mood and feel this endless craving that nothing satisfies, not even multiple cups of coffee, not any food that I eat. I’m really, really glad I’ve sworn not to drink. I spent the whole day sleeping and sick and now I have that craving. If I let myself drink, I’d be drinking alcohol every single day to fix the craving triggered by the drinking of the day before.

Ephedra is endless misery, but I can’t explain on the phone while at work. I really, really, really need a decon and new warm clothes. All my happiness vanished instantly. The ephedra itself somehow attacks the hormones of happiness directly. I am physically unable to be happy and it’s horrible.

Another huge rant: blame the process, not the person. Horrifyingly bad quality chicken.

December 8, 2017

10:17 AM 12/8/2017

I can explain something with socionics, and I can explain it without socionics. i don’t have my new keyboard out, and apparently now the left shift key isn’t working either, so I can’t capitalize letters anymore. Sometimes they come out capitalized and sometimes they don’t. the right shift key doesn’t work at all, so I use the left shift key for everything, and right now it seems to be intermittently working and intermittently not working. it feels like there are solid objects underneath the keyboard, like crumbs, but they seem to move from key to key, not always under the same key.

Anyway, I can explain it with socionics (I pressed down hard on the shift key and it clicked back down – it seemed to have been lifted up out of place a little bit) or without.

With socionics: (and this is not the whole explanation, and it is not an adequate explanation) An ISTP is ‘Fe-PoLR.’ The type of Fe is +Fe. The plus sign means it is local and process-oriented: you have individual responsibility for doing the process properly, and if you don’t do the process properly, then the results will be wrong.

If something has a minus sign, that’s a ‘result’ function, and it would mean that all you care about is a general summary of the results, and don’t care how the process was done – if you get the right result, you must have (in retrospect) done it well enough. My base function is -Si. The minus also means it’s global and general. You say ‘I always do X’ or ‘everybody everywhere at all times always does X.’ It’s hard to explain and my caffeine pill hasn’t kicked in yet – I just took it a second ago.

I am able to design ‘smooth processes.’ When I organize things in my home, what I do is, I put things into specific locations in such a way that the process of doing a task, of using the objects, can be done very quickly, smoothly, and easily. I like to set it up so it’s ergonomic. However, I also ‘get used to’ doing something a particular way, even if it isn’t ergonomic – if I do something a whole bunch of times, I memorize how it’s done and it seems easy to do it that same way just because I’ve done it that way many times before. So, for instance, when I locate the pathway to my campground, the path that I made myself, it’s a unique, specific, weird little path in a specific place, which is not necessarily easy to find or easy to walk on, but I know exactly where it is and can walk down it, even in the dark.

Being +Fe-PoLR (Point of Least Resistance) is my weakness. Everybody has some specific function as their weakness. +Fe means something like ‘being a good person.’ The ENFJ is the master of being humiliated. Dario Nardi showed what happens in people’s brains if they are humiliated or embarrassed. The ENFJ is able to respond properly to that emotion (+Fe is their base function, the strongest function), but a Fe-PoLR type, such as the INTP (as typed by Dario Nardi), responds first with absolutely no response at all, no response, no response, even when the humiliation is getting worse and worse, until finally it crosses a threshold and the person is suddenly flooded with horrifying, uncontrollable, over-the-top humiliation beyond all reasonable levels, to excess. It’s an out-of-control emotion that their brain is not able to handle. It’s their worst weakness. (The INTP is -Fe-PoLR, not +Fe-PoLR, and I don’t know what difference that makes.) It’s either all the way off, or all the way on to excess, but it cannot be something moderate or nuanced or in-the-middle. That’s how a vulnerable function works. It’s one-dimensional. Extremely on or extremely off, no nuances.

I am totally unable to tell lies. But they say the ENFJ is extremely good at lying and is the master of deception – grand, huge, global, enormous, society-wide deceptions (for example, creating a religion like Christianity, which deceives entire societies for thousands of years – NOTE: after having said that, I have to mention that the ENFJ guy who I knew and really liked a lot, Chuck, came from the atheist meetup group, and attended the Unitarian Universalist church, where it was well known that the church tolerated, accepted, and welcomed atheists and questioners, so he was a questioner of religion and Christianity – and some people say Nathaniel Branden was an ENFJ, although I argued he was ISFJ, but I could be wrong. But they say Hitler was an ENFJ – on drugs, lots and lots and lots of drugs).

I can’t hide my real emotions and can’t produce a fake emotion on demand. My way of dealing with people is simply ‘Try to always be nice all the time no matter what.’ I cannot be mean. I cannot be cruel on purpose.

So, now here is the non-socionic explanation. A long, long time ago, decades ago, I used to read self-help and self-improvement books, and I was making a genuine effort to be a better person and to develop myself. But then, the mind control began. It began as a result of doing therapy with Judith Swack, and I am not certain how much she was involved in making it start, versus whether State of the Art, Inc was the one who did it. I had been attacked and controlled all my life, but the attacks were not so severe as they are nowadays – I was still able to think a thought, and I perceived a feeling of self-control: for instance, if I had a mistaken belief or a wrong idea, I was able to go inside my own brain and change my own beliefs simply by examining my thought process and asking myself some questions. Nowadays, if I try to do any kind of mental focus at all, regardless of what topic I’m trying to think of, I can do it for maybe a couple seconds at most, and then I will start to get attacked with voices, hallucinations, loud noises, images, and sensations of being zapped with a cattle prod, electric shocks. It is NOT POSSIBLE NOW to go inside my own head and fix things myself the way I did long ago.

Because of this, I no longer feel that I have any personal
responsibility whatsoever for anything that I do. It is a total loss of all self-control and all self-responsibility. If I do something bad, I cannot blame myself for it. There is no point in feeling humiliated, embarrassed, or worthless, because I cannot possibly be the one at fault, when I have no control over anything I do.

If I were not being mind controlled, I WOULD HAVE continued learning the arts of self-improvement, self-understanding, self-esteem, self-control, and so on. I would have continued to practice self-management and would have gradually improved and matured as a person more and more over time. However, as a result of constant nonstop external control, I am unable to grow, unable to learn, and unable to mature. I am a much, much worse person as a result of being mind controlled and externally ‘managed.’ This is a CONSTANT phenomenon. I can only go A COUPLE SECONDS thinking my own thoughts inside my head before I get strongly, uncontrollably, irresistibly zapped with electric shocks and other phenomena that are so strong I CANNOT RESIST THEM.

This is not a matter of me not fighting hard enough. I DO FIGHT THEM. I meditate for hours and hours and hours sometimes, during those times when I’m tired, lying in bed, but unable to sleep. I try, and try, and try, and try, to think some particular thought, any thought at all, that I want to think about. The only thoughts that the soul murderers allow me to think about are extremely stupid, shallow, feel-good thoughts that have absolutely no use at all in the real world, such as thoughts about how I am connected to everything in the universe and I’m connected to God. I remember one time not long ago when they allowed me to meditate about how ‘I am connected to God’ and they pushed a button on the mind control device to give me an artificial sensation of feel-goody electromagnetic ‘spiritual pleasure.’ It’s a tickly feel-goody sensation of ‘light.’ If you feel ‘a sensation of light’ inside you, that’s 100% fake and it comes from mind control, if it results from thinking about ‘connection with Jesus’ or ‘connection with God.’

The REAL introspection, the deep introspection, has nothing to do with feel-goody sensations of tickly light that result from being ‘connected with Jesus.’ Real introspection is when you understand your own thoughts, and change those thoughts at will because you see that something is wrong with them. Real introspection is when you have a physical sickness in your body, and you go to that sickness and you make it vanish, using only your mind. This is real. I did this when I was young, and so did my brother John. He told me one time that if he had a headache, for example, he was able to make it go away just by examining it and thinking about it a certain way.

I do fight hard against them. I fight for hours to think some certain thought that I want to think, and I continue to do it even after being zapped with a cattle prod hundreds of times.

So, this is why I feel no personal responsibility for any kind of failures or mistakes that I make. The way I look at it now, just to survive, is I say, ‘blame the process, not the person.’ Or ‘blame the system, not the person.’ I look at all the external forces that cause people to act the way they do. I look for how a process can be made foolproof, so that a particular individual doesn’t have to be ‘smart’ in order to do the right thing. Lives shouldn’t depend on whether the individual doing something is smart or stupid, competent or
incompetent, on drugs or clean.

However, there are millions of areas of our lives where doing something wrong, even slightly wrong, even the tiniest bit wrong, can be the difference between life and death, in seconds. We drive a car, and if we are only a couple feet too far to the left, we cross the double yellow line and have a head-on collision and we die and we kill others. If we accidentally start a fire while cooking something on the stove for our daily meal, we can burn down our own house, and if our house is connected to a long row of other people’s houses or if it’s in a large apartment building, then we can destroy dozens and dozens or hundreds of other people’s houses at the same time. We are all a hairsbreadth away from total destruction at all times, and it all depends on whether we do something right or wrong. There are millions, and millions, and millions, of tiny details in all areas of our lives where one microscopic change in where something is or what something is doing could go disastrously wrong and completely destroy us. If you are cutting something with a knife, the knife can slip just slightly out of place and cut open your femoral artery in your leg. That kind of thing. All of life is like that, at all times.

Okay, so finally, here is the beginning of the story of what happened with the chicken, now that you know how I feel about ‘personal responsibility.’ The incident that happened – when I woke up this morning I was hearing voices SCREAMING at me in my head about what happened. They were making me feel humiliated, worthless, like garbage, like I am senile, like I am mentally incompetent, like I am hopelessly unfit to work at any job, anywhere, like I am so unfit to do any job at all that I can’t even change to some other job, I simply cannot be trusted to do any job at all, anywhere, because my brain is garbage, my brain is wrong, I am wrong, I am a bad person, forever, my brain is stupid and senile and it is doomed to decay and never work again.

The ‘I am senile’ idea came from Terry, a coworker at MM, who was older and really did seem to be senile. Everyone always joked that ‘It’s Terry’s first day.’ He would ask a question about how to do something, even though he’d been working there a long time and had done it many times before. Socionically, he was ISFP, which is -Te-PoLR. -Te is ‘how productive work is done.’ How do we do some productive task. The master of -Te is the ENTJ, the conflictor of ISFP. The ENTJ designs entire global corporations and factories and controls the movements of things and people and work processes over large areas over time. The ISFP, on the other hand, feels very weak in this area and has to do productive tasks at their job, but will often feel like maybe they don’t know what they’re doing or how to do it. If someone is old and/or on drugs, or formerly used to be on drugs, and is losing mental function, it’s even worse. So that explained how Terry was.

You take for granted that people know how to do certain things, that everybody, all the time, knows how to do it, that it’s ‘common sense.’ However, in reality, common sense is not common. Different people have a different idea of what everybody ought to take for granted as common sense.

Well, last night, somebody ordered a chicken salad wrap. I don’t make wraps very often. I mistakenly thought it was just a ‘grilled chicken’ wrap, not a ‘chicken salad’ wrap. They’re two totally different things. The chicken salad is in a bucket-like container in the cooler under the table with the white cutting board where hoagies are made. The ‘grilled chicken’ is portioned in little bags in the other cooler, the refrigerator.

So I started putting grilled chicken onto the wrap instead of chicken salad, and then a minute later I said, ‘Oops, this is a chicken salad wrap!’ I had already put the grilled chicken on it, along with all the ingredients, the lettuce and other stuff the guy had ordered.

Well, not only did I start off making the wrong thing which wasn’t what he ordered. I had done that wrong, too. Even if he had ordered a grilled chicken wrap, even if I had been making the right thing, I was doing it wrong. You’re supposed to heat up the grilled chicken first.

Here is where I ‘did something wrong’ but I don’t think I should take personal responsibility for it. I want to blame the process, not the person, but the screaming voices in my head that I heard when I woke up think differently. It was CJ who noticed that I hadn’t heated up the chicken. I think? Now I don’t even really remember for sure. Did he say to me that I was supposed to heat up the chicken first? And I said it wasn’t even a grilled chicken wrap, so I moved all the ingredients over to the other wrap where I put the chicken salad. I got out another wrap, put chicken salad on it, and then picked up all the lettuce and other ingredients and moved them to the new wrap, then finished making it and gave it to him. Then I was going to just make the grilled chicken wrap for myself.

Somewhere in that time, CJ walked in and saw what I was doing. He saw that I was going to just finish making the grilled chicken wrap, the mistake, and eat it myself. I was going to buy it (and I did, in fact, buy it). I said I wanted to buy it because I had made it by mistake. Somewhere in that time, he said, ‘Did you know you have to heat that up?’ or something to that effect, and then I went ‘Oh yeah…. I forgot.’

I *did* know that you’re supposed to heat up the grilled chicken. However, I’ve been skeptical about that all this time. I know I’m supposed to do it, but I ALMOST NEVER make grilled chicken wraps, so I didn’t remember. I forgot that you were supposed to do it, partly because my brain didn’t really believe it was important. Why? Because these chunks of grilled chicken are this fake, processed stuff that looks like it’s fully cooked and ready to eat. It doesn’t look like raw chicken. It ‘flakes’ when you pull it apart, a sign that it’s fully cooked. There’s no reason why it would have to be cooked more or heated up more. So I thought that heating it up was merely a luxury, a courtesy, something to make it warm so it’s pleasant to eat, not because it’s really necessary. I eat cold leftovers out of my own fridge at home. If I had chunks of grilled chicken that looked like this stuff looks, I would think it was fully cooked and was ready to eat, and I would eat it straight out of the fridge cold without bothering to heat it up if I were in a hurry. It looks exactly like some kind of ready-to-eat lunch meat. It looks exactly like, for instance, the sliced turkey that we have (AND IF YOU WANT TO GET ALL *TECHNICAL* ON ME, I CAN GET TECHNICAL RIGHT BACK AT YOU: WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO PUT READY-TO-EAT FOODS UNDERNEATH ‘RAW’ FOODS, AND IF THIS ‘RAW’ CHICKEN REALLY IS SO ‘RAW’ AND SO DANGEROUS, THEN, IN THEORY, IT’S OOZING RAW GERMY BACTERIAL PARASITE-FILLED SALMONELLA CHICKEN BLOOD DROPLETS ALL OVER THE READY-TO-EAT SLICED LUNCH MEATS WHICH ARE ON THE FLOOR OF THE FRIDGE UNDERNEATH IT.)

But are we talking about technical fantasy-land, or are we talking about reality? There is no oozing blood from this ‘raw’ chicken. It doesn’t look or seem raw in any way at all. It looks totally, completely, fully cooked and ready-to-eat. So I just assumed all this time that we merely ‘warmed it up’ as a luxury, a courtesy, to make it more pleasant, but not as a necessity. So my brain did not have a huge screaming red flag on this telling me it was a matter of life-and-death to cook this chicken a few extra seconds before serving it to the customer.

Well, I am going to give my counterargument here. I do sometimes buy the grilled chicken wraps WHEN SOMEBODY ELSE HAS MADE THEM. Whoever else those people are, they DO cook the chicken. They DO remember to heat it up before putting it on the wraps. And whenever I eat those wraps, I ALWAYS say, without fail, after two or three bites, ‘Yuck, this is making me sick. I can’t choke down any more of this. I have to set it aside and eat more of it later. I can’t eat any more of this without throwing up.’

I have learned from experience what happens when you eat good quality food versus bad quality food. Years ago I had a severe stomach problem that went on for months and months, and I observed that if I ate good quality food, I could wolf down large amounts of it quickly. But if it were the slightest bit spoiled, the slightest bit bad quality – if it had sat on a heat source at a hot bar for longer than four hours, for instance – then its quality would change, and I would, literally, barely be able to choke it down. This is literal. Something in its texture changes, so that it literally sticks in my throat. My throat and my mouth react to this substance or this texture by trying to choke it back out. It especially happens with fried foods that have oxidized oil and that have been sitting on heat too long, like bad french fries left in the heat lamp area at McD. They literally get stuck in my throat and I have to cough to make it come back up. It’s disgusting and embarrassing when it happens.

Since that stomach problem got better, I’ve been able to tolerate food a little bit more and I don’t notice it as much. But it’s still true that if something is bad quality, I can’t eat more than a few bites without feeling like I’m going to throw up. AND THAT HAPPENS *EVERY* *SINGLE* *TIME* I EAT THOSE GRILLED CHICKEN WRAPS, REGARDLESS OF WHO COOKS THEM, REGARDLESS OF HOW IT’S DONE, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER IT WAS DONE ‘PROPERLY’, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER THAT CHICKEN WAS ‘HEATED UP’ A COUPLE EXTRA SECONDS BEFORE IT WAS PUT ON THE WRAP. I can barely choke down those grilled chicken wraps without feeling like I’m going to throw up, even when they’re made properly.

I noticed the same thing if I tried to roast a ‘whole’ chicken (not really whole – it’s a factory farm chicken with all its guts and everything removed) at home in the oven. I could eat the ones we roasted at Weis Market in their giant oven. But if I cooked a chicken at home, I would get awful abdominal cramps and diarrhea. So I would try to cook it longer, at higher heat, and I would STILL get awful stomach cramps and diarrhea.

I joked with my then-boyfriend Eric about this, and we called it Chickenella. It isn’t necessarily salmonella. We didn’t know exactly what it was. I would try, and try, and try, to cook it absolutely to death, to cook it until it was dried out and so chewy you couldn’t chew it up, till the protein was tough – I never cooked it *that* much, but I tried to at least cook it to death, but it failed every time – no matter how much I cooked that chicken, it would make me extremely sick.

Well, then I read someplace on the internet that salmonella is ‘endemic’ in the chicken’s digestive system, as in, it’s always there no matter what. I’m skeptical of this – I believe it’s the result of factory farms. But I want to know what happens if you raise a chicken IN THE WOODS. Not on a farm. Not on a big empty dry field where they are pecking at the dry ground with no grass and nothing on it. I see photos and videos of chickens outdoors pecking on the dead dry empty dirt, the dirt with no life in it. That’s not the kind of dirt that I mean. I’m talking about the thick, wet, black humus of the forest floor, which is filled with earthworms – at Walnut Springs Park there were so many earthworms you would be slipping and sliding on masses of them after a rainstorm. I’m talking about that kind of dirt. Real dirt with real actual life in it. Real wild bacteria of all sorts, no glyphosate or Roundup, no fertilizers, no poisons, but full of all the varieties of wild fungi and bacteria and everything, and all sorts of insects.

If a chicken was raised in a forest and was eating from that kind of soil, a completely untended chicken which was not in a farm at all, not receiving a single drop of grain, no soy, no seeds being given to it at all – eating any form of grain causes bacteria to grow differently in domestic animals – horses can ‘founder’ if they are given too much grain – it causes their feet and legs to swell up so badly they can’t walk. I don’t remember the details but it results from being given too much grain.

If a chicken was raised that way, would disgusting, dangerous salmonella still be so predominant in its digestive system? Would it still be so ‘endemic’ to the chicken?

I don’t know, and I’m unable to test this theory now.

So what did I do last night after this happened? It was too late to fix what I had done. I had taken all the ingredients off the mistake wrap, and moved them to the new wrap, after they had been touching the ‘uncooked’ chicken (which looks fully cooked, and which is of such horrible quality that EVEN WHEN the other employees DO ‘cook’ it to make the wraps they put out, which I sometimes buy, I STILL cannot choke it down because it’s of such horrible quality even when cooked an additional few seconds) – there could have been one or two small chunks of that almost-ready-to-eat chicken on that guy’s wrap. I don’t know. It was cross-contamination.

Well, I responded by testing it myself. I ate a few small chunks of the almost-ready-to-eat chicken, deliberately.

Within less than a minute I was feeling my stomach churning. It started to make these sensations of gas bubbles bubbling inside me. After a few minutes went by there were more and more and more bubbles. I started having gas and had to go to the bathroom several times, and started to have a little bit of diarrhea and lots of gas. I had barely even nibbled just a few tiny bites. I’m talking about just a couple of millimeter-sized FLAKES of chicken. I was having painful abdominal cramps for hours after that.

WHY IS THIS WRONG? I am telling you, it is wrong. It’s possible for people to eat raw chicken. They do. There are other people who talk about eating raw meat, who have done it in the past and who have done it in other locations. It is NORMAL in some places and in some cultures to eat some meat raw, in some situations, and I swear to you that there are people who eat raw chicken, or raw pork, in certain situations. Not all chicken and pork is so deadly poisonous that you have to blacken it to the texture of crunchy twigs before it’s safe to eat (and even then, it still makes you sick – and not only that, raw meat is fast and easy to digest, while cooked meat takes hours and hours longer to move through the digestive system, and overcooked chewy meat is EVEN HARDER to digest).

I’m telling you, it’s the QUALITY of this chicken, and not all chicken as such. There are people who *swear* that they eat raw chicken and they’re okay. I don’t think these people are just lying. Wild animals eat raw meat. Humans are animals. We are capable of eating some kinds of raw meat.

So I don’t entirely believe that ‘I did something wrong’ and that I need to be blamed and shamed. I’m blaming the system and the process, not the person. The system: we’re using extremely bad chicken, the lowest cheapest garbage factory farm poisoned food on the planet. The system: we’re using something that looks, to the eye, just like a chunk of fully cooked lunch meat which is 100% ready to eat right now. The system: even if you do it ‘properly’ and you do heat it up extra, IT STILL MAKES YOU SICK, although maybe not AS BADLY sick. It’s still of such horrid quality that I can only choke down a couple bites before I have to set it aside. I do okay if I eat it on the buffalo chicken pizza though, where it’s in the oven for a whole TEN MINUTES or so, not for, like, the ONE MINUTE or so that people heat it up. IT HAS TO BE ABSOLUTELY BAKED TO DEATH FOR A WHOLE EXTRA TEN MINUTES OR SO BEFORE IT EVEN FAINTLY RESEMBLES EDIBLE.

The system: We don’t have employees who specialize in doing food, and nothing but food, and are experts on it. Instead, we have these half-assed, half-trained, hardly-ever-doing-it people who jump back and forth between doing cash register and doing food. Our system is half-assed. We need to be either doing it whole-assed, or not doing it at all. I can’t stand this half-assed thing. We offer
made-to-order food, but we are not really set up with the capacity to make what we’ve promised. We’re ABLE to take 50 food orders, but have only one person making it and also jumping over to the register, so that the orders will take two hours to make while people have to stand around waiting. We do not have our system set up to make food effectively.

The ‘organic’ standard is insufficient to guarantee the quality of meats and animal products. There is ‘organic’ milk where the cows are still on a factory farm, but they’re being fed food which barely meets the definition of organic – and then, there is organic milk, where a cow grazes on nothing but grass all day long, on healthy soil – both meet the definition of ‘organic,’ but are two totally different things. One can be an A1 gene cow which produces the harmful and irritating proteins that cause a lot of problems for people, and another can be an A2 gene cow which has the good protein that doesn’t cause problems. One can be pasteurized and homogenized with synthetic vitamins added, and the other can be raw and whole with the real vitamins still present and not destroyed by heating. They all meet the minimum, inadequate standard of ‘organiic’ but are completely different things.

‘Organic chicken’ will be the same way. There is chicken as I described it: 100% wild, free roaming IN A FOREST WITH TREES AND HUMUS IN THE SOIL, black soil full of fungus and life and bugs, chicken who never touch a single seed of grain in their lifetime. And then there are ‘organic’ chickens who live indoors in a cage but who happen to be getting fed a food which just barely qualifies as ‘organic,’ but it’s all grain, all unnatural, and grain causes harmful bacteria to grow in their guts, whereas earthworms don’t (according to my untested theory – I plan on having wild free forest chickens someday in the future to find out). There’s a huge difference between wild forest chickens, and factory farm cage chickens eating grain, but both are allowed to call themselves organic. They’re so different, they’re hardly even the same species.

I’ll finish this for now. I didn’t throw up, but I had intestinal pain and lots and lots of gas, after eating only a few
millimeter-sized flakes of that horrible, horrible chicken, which, I argue, still isn’t even edible even if you ‘properly’ heat it up for the wraps, and I can only tolerate it if it’s cooked in the oven on a pizza for ten minutes. So basically it has to be baked in the oven for ten extra minutes, or microwaved for an unknown length of time, which is apparently much longer than we do, because when I eat the wraps, I always get sick after a couple bites and have to quit eating. It is horrible quality no matter what you do, I argue.

And also, our processes encourage sloppiness – we are forced to do everything wrong, we never have the right equipment to do our job – where do we have measuring cups? Why does the OFFICIAL RECIPE in the OFFICIAL MANUAL for our buffalo chicken pizza say, in one part of the recipe, that it gets three teaspoons of ‘butter’ (hydrogenated vegetable oil), and in another place, it says THREE TABLESPOONS? Can’t you even fix the typos IN THE OFFICIAL MANUALS? Which is it – teaspoons or tablespoons? They’re two totally different things! Teaspoons are small, and tablespoons are huge. This makes the differences between edible and disgusting. I counted three mentions of teaspoons, and one mention of tablespoons, so I assume it’s teaspoons since that was mentioned more often.

MOST PEOPLE JUST SQUEEZE A BUNCH OF BUTTER IN THERE WITHOUT MEASURING IT AT ALL, AND THEY DUMP ON SO MUCH CHEESE ON A PIZZA, WITHOUT USING THE PINK MEASURING CUP, SO THAT THE CHEESE ON THE PIZZA IS SO THICK IT PRODUCES A HUGE GIANT POOL OF LIQUID GREASE AFTER IT’S COOKED SO THAT YOU HAVE TO SOAK IT UP WITH A PAPER TOWEL. I have SEEN customers using napkins to soak up the giant pool of liquid grease when they receive a pizza made by the individual who always gives ‘extra cheese’ and doesn’t use the pink measuring cup. So some of our longtime employees who are above reproach and who are ‘doing it the right way’ aren’t even doing it the ‘right way,’ they’re doing it their own way, and sometimes the results are disgusting. How am I supposed to feel when I discover that I did something the wrong way, when everybody, all the time, is doing everything the wrong way, even the managers?

How can we ever feel like we’re ‘doing the job right’ when we’re not given the tools and supplies and instructions to do the job right? How come we don’t have one-ounce ice cream scoops with the little glicker thing that you push on a lever to make the stuff fall out of the ice cream scoop? We should be able to use, say, four ice cream scoops to measure out four ounces of chicken salad or something to make a wedge sandwich, but we don’t even have one single ice cream scoop in the entire building, anywhere to be found.

When we get in the habit of always doing it wrong, always doing it half-assed, always breaking the rules, always knowing it’s NOT POSSIBLE to follow the instructions and do it by the books, then how do you EXPECT us to feel? How are we supposed to keep a positive attitude with regard to following instructions and doing things by the books, when we don’t have the proper tools to do so? When even the official managers are always, routinely, doing things their own way, some random way, which in their opinion is okay but which causes problems like the huge pool of liquid grease from the ‘extra cheese’ pizzas? Or the grilled chicken wraps where the chicken *has* been heated up, just a little bit, but which are still of such bad quality that I can barely choke down a few bites of them usually.

So I’m supposed to just feel like a ‘bad person’ because I made a mistake, when our entire system encourages mistakes and discourages doing things right. I have to defend myself somehow and I defend myself by blaming the process, not the person.

Why is it that every single person, every employee, even the managers, routinely burns something, like a whole pizza, like once a week? EVERYBODY does it. EVERYBODY. FREQUENTLY. It is a normal routine to totally destroy a pizza, once every couple days. Why? Because we have no timers. There are no beeping timers that anybody can hear. We have timers, sometimes, but they are loose and they get broken and they are small and they get lost, dropped in grease, pushed underneath the microwave – 9/10 times that’s where I find the timer when I hunt for it, it’s pushed underneath the microwave. McDonald’s has timers directly embedded in their fryer. Our fryer doesn’t have loud beeping clearly audible timers directly embedded into the machine of the fryer itself. The McDonald’s oven has a timer directly embedded into the controls of the oven. It beeps so loudly you can’t ignore it, no matter how noisy the environment is. Why don’t we have any loud beeping timers on any of our equipment? Why is it a normal routine to totally destroy and burn large amounts of food, by every single employee with no exceptions, every day, every couple days, a couple times a week? We laugh about it, but it shouldn’t be the norm. It shouldn’t be taken for granted that it’s ‘your responsibility’ to be ‘on your toes’ and simply ‘remember’ that there’s something in the oven no matter how many interruptions you get. You shouldn’t just have to ‘remember’ that ‘it’s been a while since I put that pizza in – I wonder how it’s doing.’ That’s not how our system should run!

Okay, I said I would quit writing, but I’ve had that caffeine pill and I probably will pick this up again and write more later. But I’m going to try to rest a while now. I have to work later tonight.

Long post written on my laptop: happiness being connected to material things (how to explain?), wearing colorful clothes versus buying neutral things that can be thrown away, something about veganism and why I’m an omnivore; some stranger in the store looked at me funny when I wore my Christmas hat

December 7, 2017

4:00 PM 12/7/2017

(*I took a caffeine pill, and still have some ephedra residue on me. This will be very long and verbose.*)

I’m writing this on my laptop so that I don’t have to send a dozen blog posts from my phone. For some reason, I like to post my blog immediately, as it makes me feel like somebody out there in the world, right now, has received it and is reading it. Just knowing that somebody is out there makes me feel better immediately. I don’t like waiting hours and hours after writing a blog post before I can get online.

However, it’s actually great that I don’t have the internet here. There is a wifi a short distance away, closer to the main cabin where, I guess, two of the owners live (Joy and Denise – I didn’t even know a lady named Joy existed until recently), and the other lady, Jodi, lives in her own separate cabin. I’ve been confused about who is who this whole time and was calling Jodi ‘Lori’ when I talked about her to somebody else, the repair guy at Centre RV.

But I had trouble trying to get on the wifi – it barely worked at all, or totally didn’t work, even though I could see it appear in my list. I’m actually better off without wifi at home. It’s so easy to do nothing but surf the internet aimlessly all day long. I also don’t have my TV hooked up. I can play the radio, though. The RV came with a radio and TV on their own little cabinet in front of the couch. This is comforting to me, even though I don’t use them. Every once in a while I will play the radio for a little while, changing the station every time I don’t like the song, and then eventually I get frustrated and give up and turn it off. I am *extremely* picky about music, and I plan to go back to writing my own music as soon as some other stuff is settled.

My happiness was destroyed by the ephedra outbreak, but it is not severe. The quantity of ephedra has diminished due to my efforts all these years of throwing stuff away. It doesn’t multiply. It always diminishes in quantity when thrown away. It is not a virus or bacteria and it does not come to life and reproduce. So when I have a new outbreak of it, there is always less than there was originally. It is a small, finite quantity and it is not going to just keep getting worse and worse.

I just need to go to a thrift store and get a few more warm sweaters and warm clothes and warm pants. But I absolutely hate clothes shopping and I hate trying things on. I hate how clothes fit, I hate their colors, I hate how they look, I hate the fabrics, and I hate our society for responding badly to bright colors. I love, I actually love to wear extremely bright colors and patterns and images, the brighter and more colorful the better, but I don’t want the extra attention and compliments that people give me, or the outright fear that I sometimes see on people. I have actually seen people look at me with *fear* on their faces if I am wearing clothing that is slightly unusual, brightly colored, or I don’t know what.

Sometimes I don’t know why. I once wore a hat that I had bought at a gas station, the local Uni-Mart. It was just a knitted hat with a fluffy ball on top, and reindeer on it, red, green, white, and black. I have been getting into Christmas more than usual this year. I spent many, many, many years very anti-Christmas. (*edit: I’m rereading this, and I forgot to finish the story. what happened was, a couple of people at wegmans looked at me really funny when I wore this hat, and I didn’t know why. I want to wear bright clothing without people looking at me funny, and also, without getting unwanted positive attention either – I don’t want excessive compliments, and I don’t want fear or disgust on people’s faces when they see me either. I want it to be accepted as normal, neutral, and taken for granted.*)

But now I have a little bit more happiness. And yes, I need to talk about how material things and money *do* bring happiness. There are ways in which they do. That is by no means all there is to happiness, but it helps greatly.

For one thing, owning an RV makes me feel like I’m not going to just get kicked out of my apartment at any given moment. It makes me *very* happy that I am able to do my own repairs instead of having to tell somebody that something isn’t working. I fixed the sliding door by myself!

I still feel anxious depending on money from Dad, and now that I’m in debt for the truck, and paying interest on the three credit cards I used to buy it, and still not entirely done making payments to the guy who sold it to me, I really desperately need the money from Dad or I won’t be able to pay my lot rent here. I can still be kicked out, but I own this RV and the truck and I will still have a physical home, even if I’m parked in the Walmart parking lot with no water and no electricity.

Having a physical location which is solid and stable means I can set up my INFRASTRUCTURE so that I can do my ROUTINES. I need to have a physical location where an activity takes place over and over again, so that I can gradually smooth out the process to make it easier. I do things like put cardboard boxes everywhere to keep stuff in place, even just little shallow cardboard boxes that held the drinks that I stocked at work – I am keeping those and taking them home and they are a lifesaver, the little cardboard bases for all the soda and stuff. I put random objects in them and then the random objects are put in a convenient location. I also use cardboard boxes to organize paperwork.

Now that I can close my bedroom door, I am able to run either the little space heater fan, or the electric oil filled radiator (not both! it will trip the circuit breaker), and make my bedroom very warm, while keeping the air in a smaller space because the door is able to close. I keep it open a little bit during times when Jacob is going in and out, like during the night when I’m asleep, but right now, I’m awake and I can see that Jacob is lying on the bed, and if he wants out, I can open the door for him.

My thermometer, which I always used in my tent while camping, is hanging by the bed, and right now it says 80 degrees. I love it being 80 degrees. My body can’t warm itself, maybe because of Weston Price deformities, maybe because of mercury poisoning from my previous dental fillings, maybe because of chronic fatigue syndrome, maybe because of poor nutrition and the absence of raw organ meat in my diet. Whatever it is, my body is not healthy enough to keep itself warm. There are other people who can – I see the college students walking outside in shorts. We were talking about this at work, me and a customer, and he said he noticed Asians didn’t mind being cold as much – the girl he saw wearing short shorts under a coat and with knee-high boots, who was walking really fast down the sidewalk, was Asian.

Asians also have extremely healthy fingernails, healthy skin, and healthy hair. And they do move, think, and talk extremely fast, and not just because Mandarin is a slow language that takes a long time to say. They are not merely in the habit of talking fast. Their brains are faster. Their fingernails are much thicker, stronger, and less fragile. Skin, brain, hair, and nervous system are connected. They arise from the same part of the embryo, an entire layer where all of those things come from. So if one of them is changed, all of them are changed. The entire skin layer is different.

I’m mostly Welsh, I think, mixed with Irish and German, and one tiny drop of Native American, and English. I don’t know all the details. I only know that ‘Welsh’ seems to stand out. I recognize Welsh people as being similar to me, and I have always loved Irish music, and I love music in groups of three. Irish music and Celtic music have beats in groups of three, and Celtic knot designs are often in threes, and they have symbolism connected to the trinity, whether it connects with Christianity’s trinity or if it’s their own independent version of a trinity that existed before Christianity.

I started my period yesterday, and some of my anger and rage and bad mood was because of that. However, even extremely tiny traces of ephedra directly cause a feeling of endless misery. The substance directly attacks happiness. I do not know which chemical is attacking which other chemical, but I assure you that it causes a sensation of endless, unstoppable, unavoidable misery that totally destroys all happiness.

I had, in fact, been feeling happy, a little tiny bit more happy, for the first time in YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS. And yes, it absolutely is connected with buying things. I was buying brightly colored objects. I bought an infinity scarf that had orange stripes, and the hat with reindeer, and the striped fingerless gloves at the arts festival in June or July or whenever, and I bought two houseplants – one little potted rosemary plant (meant to look like a Christmas tree) and a little Norfolk Island pine, which I originally had thought would be able to be transplanted anywhere I wanted, but then I discovered it’s tropical – but then I read that being in the wrong location might merely stunt its growth rather than outright killing it.

I strongly prefer houseplants that will survive if planted outdoors. I do not like the idea of keeping living creatures far, far away from the climate where they are able to survive, so that they depend on me for life. I *hate* keeping fish in tanks (although I enjoyed the guppies years ago, as they gave birth, and then I even witnessed the onset of weston Price deformities, as their backbones became more and more twisted and curved with every new generation due to the inadequacy of their unnatural food), although if the fish tank was extremely large and complicated and full of its own ecosystem, it might not be so bad – and not an ‘ecosystem’ like the little tiny bowl that they put those fighter fish in – that is one of many, many things that needs to be made illegal, but there are so many things that need to be made illegal, and I am still barely surviving, so I cannot fight those battles – fighter fish should simply be illegal, because people are too stupid to understand that they need SPACE and they need THE COMPANY OF OTHER FISH. It is INSANE to keep them alone in a tiny space, and the rationales people give for it are insane as well, and absolutely wrong in every way.

I wouldn’t have to buy clothing if I were able to make it myself, but I still am not set up to do that. I have to get the sewing machine out of storage, which means I have to protect and take precautions with all the objects that have ephedra on them. I will have to put them in separate carboard boxes.

Living in Singapore – that would be beautiful. Someone said, in an MBTI forum, that (in their opinion, or someone’s opinion) North Korea was ESTJ and South Korea was ENFP. (*edit, I didn’t finish this tangent – the same person said Singapore was ISTP. They said Mexico was INFJ.*) I don’t know how they got ESTJ for North Korea. But anyway, I have loved Koreans for unknown reasons, partly because they are so beautiful – they do suffer from a lot of deformities and are known for doing tons and tons of plastic surgery, which I myself forbid – you have to prevent the deformities before they happen, by means of proper nutrition and the avoidance of drugs (including tobacco, alcohol, caffeine, and over-the-counter pills and herbs) and avoidance of chemicals like pesticides. And you have to do
*acceptance* of those things that make people, or races, unique, such as epicanthic folded eyelids.

The reason why I keep emphasizing that money *is* connected to happiness is because I have fought this battle with the voices in my head, all these years. They wanted to force me to be vegan, for instance, because I love animals and I hate to kill even the smallest insect unless it really scares me in a situation where I don’t have control over it, like if a spider were in the tent while I was camping.

However, I have reasons for being omnivorous. Those reasons are: 1. Being able to eat animals means that a person can survive
independently without relying on an external economy to provide them with food purchased from warm climates all winter long. So, self-reliance, subsistence, independence. 2. Nutrition. By the way, an omnivorous diet includes insects, so if you have to compromise and use them, that’s okay with me. Anyway, there are nutrients in meat that aren’t in plants.

3. The inevitable, eternal failure of science and capitalism to imitate nature. Science and capitalism will always *try* to recreate some nutrient or vitamin found in food. But they use reductionism. They say, ‘What is the absolute minimum essence of this vitamin, which can be reduced to one, and only one, single isolated chemical that I can produce in a factory?’ Then they produce it, and yes, maybe it does ‘cure artificially induced rickets in lab rats,’ or whatever. But just because it cures artificially induced rickets in lab rats doesn’t mean that it does EVERYTHING that the substances in whole foods do. Whole food vitamins are large complexes of many chemicals working together with many cofactors. They are not one isolated fragment, like ‘ascorbic acid.’

‘Curing artificially induced malnutrition in genetically altered lab rats’ is the scientists’ view of how nutrition works and what nutrition does. They have no concept of optimizing, of health, of positive values, of going above and beyond the minimum necessary to survive. They think it’s fine to keep people surviving at the absolute minimum necessary to prevent death, and nothing more is necessary or desirable. Going above and beyond the minimum is what I want. I want optimum, glowing, vibrant health. I want to achieve my genetic potential.

4. Artificially made vitamins also have contaminants from the reagents used to artificially produce them. They will have leftovers from the things mixed together in the factory. So, for example, something might contain cyanide in its molecule, but the scientists reassure you ‘Oh, don’t worry, that’s not the same as cyanide found all by itself. It won’t hurt you.’ But cyanide might have been used in the chemical processes in the factory to make the molecule, and leftover cyanide will still be mixed in with the final chemical that they sell to you. I’m just making up that example, and I don’t know the details of what leftovers are mixed in with what. But the rash I get all over my body from eating ascorbic acid, somebody said that might result from the fact that it’s derived from mushrooms, or derived from corn or bacteria or whatever – I’m not online and I’ve forgotten the details.

So, I will never believe that artificial meat is as nourishing as real meat. Since I suffer from chronic illnesses, chemical sensitivity, chronic fatigue, I must be aware of nutrition. I have to be aware of what’s in my food. I also want things that can be produced locally on an individual farm or in an individual wilderness full of life where a hunter-forager can live (in groups of people who do a variety of different tasks, not necessarily one person alone).

Also, real meat has other substances in it besides mere ‘vitamins,’ but scientists and capitalists do not recognize them. I have eaten bits of bone marrow, for instance, and when I ate the red marrow (the wrong part), it had an extremely intense effect on my body for hours and hours. It has hormones or other substances that are released when you get in an accident and break a bone. You can eat these secondhand hormones in the glands and organs of animals, and use those hormones yourself. It is an absolute LIE that animal thyroid is inferior to artificial thyroid. People with thyroid diseases switch over to using natural animal thyroid and find out that it works much better with fewer side effects. They just don’t want you to have the opportunity to buy it from a farmer who has slaughtered an animal and saved the thyroid, or the pancreas for insulin – that would compete against the chemical factories!

However, I have never killed an animal, on purpose, for food. I have surely run over toads on the road after a rainstorm – I couldn’t avoid them. I remember one time when there were lots and lots of toads and I knew I was driving over them and it was disturbing. Vehicles are the cause of death of many wild and domestic animals. Highways need to be isolated with walls, and better yet, we need to be flying instead of driving, although flying vehicles kill birds. But if we could fly, we wouldn’t need to cover every square inch of soil with concrete and asphalt.

I know that the deer are extremely stressed, beyond words, beyond anything I can say, every year, right now, as they are being hunted, as their family members die, this slaughter, this genocide, taking away their family, year after year. I can see it, I can feel it. And yet, I feel that hunting wild animals is the best way to get meat, not slaughtering domestic animals from a farm. Keeping them wild, letting them have families, letting them feed themselves and run totally free, letting them migrate hundreds of miles like the buffalo would do if we had no fences – we need giant herds of migrating wild animals and no fences. So even though I advocate the hunting and killing of wild animals, I also want those animals to have ALL OF THEIR FREEDOM BACK. They must have all the space with no fences.

If there are no fences, that means that somebody has to get rid of the sociopaths who violate other people’s space and attack their belongings. Sociopaths go over fences anyhow. But fewer sociopaths will make the effort to do it if it’s hard to do. I understand why we need fences. But we need mind control shielding even more than we need fences.

I was explaining about money and about veganism. The voices have tried to make me become vegan. They have also tried to make me disown all material belongings. I am aware that religions try to teach people that spiritual values matter more. I’m VERY MUCH AWARE OF THIS, because what I want more than anything is TRUE LOVE AND A FAMILY AND CHILDREN. I do not have true love, and I do not merely want to fuck anything that moves. They tried to convince me that the ephedra contamination incident was merely an example of how material belongings can’t be trusted to provide happiness, as they can so easily be destroyed, so we must depend on spiritual values for happiness.

However, I don’t believe that starvation is happiness. Fasting can make you feel better, but permanent fasting and permanent starvation is not the optimal life that I want myself and my people to live. I also don’t believe that inconvenience is happiness. I don’t believe that I’m better off walking a mile uphill every day carrying jugs of water to my camp, or something. I would rather SET UP AN
INFRASTRUCTURE that can do that, such as, for example, a string with buckets hanging on it, which will be carrying all the jugs of water over miles and miles. Those string lines are something mentioned in the low tech / no tech blog that I read. Long ago, people hung things on rope lines, like a ski lift, and took them over the mountains, miles and miles and miles. And primitive people living in the mountains built – water carrying things, I’m not remembering the name. Aquaducts, made out of WOOD, going through the mountains, which brought to them the water of the melted glacier, the ‘glacier milk,’ which was full of so many minerals it was a cloudy white color. It was made from crushed stones that the glacier was moving over.

This is what I mean, that material things, physical material infrastructure, DO bring happiness and health. Health is happiness. Optimal health and safety is happiness. I don’t mean that we need to eat lots and lots of food all the time – I am all in favor of sometimes fasting. But the QUALITY of the food we eat must be excellent, and that is a MATERIAL THING. You cannot be truly happy if all that you eat is beans and rice, because your body is extremely unhealthy. Beans and rice are cheap, and it’s possible to live for a while without dying instantly if that’s all you eat, but it is not the optimal food for human beings. I know from experience how much HAPPIER I feel if I am very well nourished.

Also, I was happy doing things like knitting. That requires material things. I am operating a tool and producing something. I love to learn things, and I read books to learn things, and that makes me happy. Books are a material thing. I could learn the knowledge if a person were to teach it to me, and I would want that in my community, people teaching things to others in a nonliterate, oralite way, person-to-person. But even so, those people are interacting with material objects while they are teaching and learning and doing. They are making food, making clothes, making decorations, making tools, making houses, hunting, fishing, planting, foraging. All of those activities involve interacting with material things. And the quality can vary, the quality of the materials.

Should I expect to be equally happy living in polluted air, full of chemicals, with electromagnetic fields interfering with my brain, and chemicals from the soil and the water and from the house that I live in and from my clothing and food, going into my body, through the skin and through being eaten and drunk, should I be equally happy there as I am living in a place with healthy water, healthy air, healthy food, healthy soil, healthy plants and animals and insects and people and healthy microbes, a healthy ecosystem full of life, fresh air from the waterfalls, from the mountains, from the soil? Which is happier? Should I simply ignore how miserable I feel in the polluted dystopian scenario? Should I value spiritual things while suffering constant physical misery? Is it really ‘materialistic’ to desire physical health, good quality material objects, a healthy physical material environment to live in? Is that really shallow and stupid?

I value material things, and I always will value material things. The voices who have tried to argue with me and make me change this, make me disown and disvalue all material objects and all the material world, and also to make me give up eating meat while suffering poor health and a lack of independence as I have to buy all my fruits and vegetables from Chile in the middle of winter, but who cares! I can just depend on everyone else to just give me stuff I need whenever I demand it, because everybody loves me, and I have no personal preferences about what I eat and drink, so I’m equally happy if a passerby knocks on my car window when I’m sleeping in the walmart parking lot and ‘kindly’ gives me her disgusting, sickening donut holes and her cup of coffee, to be nice to a homeless person, and pat herself on the back knowing she did a good deed by donating something to the needy – oh, beggars can’t be choosers! I should be delighted to eat white flour and sugar and coffee given to me as a gift! It’s a luxury that I should indulge in!

what? I’m being UNGRATEFUL by caring about whether I eat or avoid flour, sugar, corn – processed factory farm GMO corn full of pesticides and herbicides and artificial nutrient supplements, artificial minerals, whatever that stuff is (the word has been removed from my verbal memory and I am being prevented from accessing that word). Fertilizer. And human sewage, and sewage from pig farms, full of swine flu. I’m being ungrateful by not wanting to accept addictive, malnourishing food given to me as a gift. Like a primitive tribe person who isn’t happy about the fact that a missionary invaded their country and brought them white flour to replace their own food. And tobacco to make them addicted. Then told them they were ungrateful for not being happy about the ‘gift’ of tobacco addiction.

I’m going to have to reread this to find out where my tangents went off the rails. I’ve forgotten what I was talking about.

Oh, haha, I never told the story about the hat.

I went to wegman’s wearing my reindeer knitted hat, and some random lady saw me from a distance away. We were approaching each other and we were going to cross paths. She had this look of fear on her face when she looked at me, unexplained fear. As she walked past me she was looking at me very strangely. I was wearing the hat. That was the only thing I could think of that would make her look at me that way. Another random stranger looked at me with something like disgust, loathing, or hate, which I also couldn’t explain.

But now all the students are walking around wearing these brightly colored Christmas sweaters with flashing lights on them and pictures of mythological Christmas creatures.

Anyway, the last few paragraphs were saying that the material world and physical things ARE important, very important, and the health and quality of the material world matters. I don’t want people to expect to be just as happy living in a miserable, sick, polluted place, just barely surviving, as they are in a healthy place full of life. we should strive to make the world a healthy place to live in, which nourishes us, and nourishes all the animals, insects, plants, and microbes too. I am not going to just throw away the material world and material things and say they don’t matter.

And because the world, as it is now, is a disgusting mess in many ways, it requires resources to fix it, material resources, people, time, tools, knowledge, and work. You can’t fix the world without any tools or resources. I can’t replace my LP water heater with my new tankless electric water heater unless I, or somebody, have the tools to disconnect the old one and put in the new one. It’s not just a plug into an outlet. There are these things, little plastic caps, which are put on the ends of the wires, and the wires are just bare, exposed wires with no connectors on them, which have to be twisted into the other wired and capped with the plastic cap. The plumbing pipes have to be moved to a different position, and I haven’t tried to move them, but I suspect it won’t be as easy as merely turning them a different way. They are stuck very firmly with these little metal rings wrapped around the white plastic pipe.

You can’t fix the world without knowledge, either. weston Price (I can’t make a capital w because I’m using copy-paste to write the letter w, as my new keyboard is still packed in a bag somewhere) is knowledge, the best knowledge I ever found, the most important knowledge. I found much knowledge over time, which I value greatly – I learned about circumcision and how harmful and unnecessary it is; I learned about spaying and neutering animals and how bad that is, I learned about how almost every single removal of any organ at all is almost always extremely harmful and unnecessary, even the appendix with appendicitis – the appendix is the immune system and it prevents colon cancer. I learned from weston Price that mouth deformities aren’t inevitable. They can be prevented, if you eat the right foods, and avoid drugs and chemicals, including some chemicals that occur naturally in foods.

I still don’t have the knowledge of how to permanently cure chronic fatigue syndrome. It’s probably a virus or bacterial infection. I cured trichomoniasis with antibiotics. Chronic fatigue syndrome is probably going to turn out to be something like a chronic strep throat infection. Or something, I don’t know what. It has many potential causes, which vary from person to person.

Plastic dental fillings – if only I could remove them. I had purchased a drill, but threw it in the garbage (not the drill, but the air pump to operate it) because I was being forced to move from place to place and was camping and homeless and had no place to put my belongings. So I bought an air pump for a lot of money and then threw it in the garbage. This (no, I didn’t, I donated it to Goodwill or something). This is what I mean when I say that my family’s money is being destroyed by this constant decontamination, the throwing away of material objects, the constant instability, being forced to move into a tent over and over in new locations, being forced to move from place to place to place, never being able to keep anything – and when you destroy money, you destroy whatever that money potentially could have done. I could have fed thousands of homeless people for years with all the money I’ve been forced to throw in the garbage.

Anyway, plastic dental fillings are the #1 cause of all bisphenol-A in the body, but they are never mentioned. People mention everything but them. They talk about plastic from all other sources, they talk about microwaving plastic food containers, they talk about hot coffee in plastic containers, they talk about plastic in the factory where you work, they talk about BPA in printer papers for receipts, but they don’t say a word about dental fillings, because they haven’t accepted tooth loss. They don’t talk about what’s really needed to prevent tooth loss: properly formed jaws that don’t put pressure in the wrong ways; the absence of drugs, and transdermal drug residues, that cause bruxism, the clenching of teeth, which cracks the teeth and destroys them; and proper nourishment for a lifetime from before conception. All dental cavities are 100% preventable. And plastic dental fillings must be taken out, but when they are, the teeth will fall apart. Sexual impotence is also caused by plastic dental fillings.

I’m going to end this here. I need to start thinking about getting ready for work, although it’s still a few hours from now.

Okay, one last quick comment – I read some RSS feeds, and I’ve had a caffeine pill earlier today, and it makes me feel so excited and so hopeful when I read Kris de Decker’s Low Tech / No Tech Blog posts. I was reading about the hypocaust, and glazed tile stoves, which store heat and radiate it after burning a fire for only a short time. They can radiate heat for days and days and days after the fire has been put out. It’s this kind of thing we need for moon colonies and other planet colonies. He said he went to a discussion of how technology progresses. It’s usually portrayed as this evolution into greater and greater complexity, when the reality is not like that – even simple technology can be superior to complex technology. I love this and it makes me feel like laughing with joy (even though I still have joy-destroying ephedra on me, as I haven’t been able to decon yet).

continuing: it’s directed at nobody

December 6, 2017

Nudity, like masturbation, is not meant to be viewed externally by others. Nudity is about the interaction between yourself and clothing, not about the interaction between yourself and other people. For example, wild animals don’t constantly rape other wild animals every single time they see another wild animal naked. Wild animals don’t get an erection and start masturbating at the sight of another wild animal naked. Nudity is not sexual. Nudity has no connection with sex.

Being naked doesn’t mean that I want to have sex with every person who looks at me. Imagine I’m on a poster on the wall, naked, and millions of guys all over the world masturbate while looking at that poster. Do I *reciprocate* desire to every single person who desires that photo? Absolutely not. Unlike Jesus, I do not want to have a personal relationship with *you*. Jesus wants you, but I don’t.

And if I’m in my house being spied on by electronic weapon users while masturbating in the privacy of my home, I *especially* don’t want YOU. But I’m forced to hear voices in my head saying things in the voices of men I don’t want. Then, they try to show me images of things that they think will arouse me, like the way they stupidly think long hair and beards on men are sexually arousing. THEY ARE NOT. Long hair is aesthetic beauty and an indicator of what species we are. I love to feel aesthetic pleasure while looking at men and women both, but constantly surrounding myself with long haired long bearded people does not cause constant orgasming at the mere sight. It is a combination of aesthetic pleasure and also interactive touch – it has to be touched, by the right person in the right situation. Untouchable, undesirable, unattractive men with the wrong personality type still are required to grow long hair and beards, and it does not result in sexual desire. So it annoys me when the mind controllers flash an image of a long haired bearded man in my head during the moment when I’m masturbating bec

because they stupidly believe I’m going to like that

December 6, 2017

I have to wear ephedra-covered clothing until I can buy more. I have no heat and no LP for the heater. The LP got used up or stolen. There was one tank about 3/4 full, it felt like, and I ran the heat briefly and intermittently for a couple days when the heater actually worked, and then I accidentally left on the water heater, for some reason thinking that the button that controlled the heater was the one that said “HTR,” which is the water heater. I had that one on, so the water heater flame would’ve stayed lit, which might explain why all the LP is gone, unless it was stolen too. So I don’t know if the heater is working or not, because I have no LP to test it.

No, I can’t stay up all night looking out the window to see who steals my gas. They can see me because they will be wearing night vision goggles and they probably have the through wall radar as well, so they will see me sitting there watching.

I have too many different topics to complete them all while thumb-typing on my phone. The concept that nobody understands, the stupid mind controllers who constantly attack me, is that masturbation is a bodily function analogous to peeing, pooping, eating, sleeping, and breathing. The mere fact that I breathe is not sufficient justification for you to morally judge me and put voices of disgusting stupid aroused men in my head. Neither is masturbation. I can’t explain it medically due to lack of knowledge, but I believe that some internal gland in the body becomes swollen and has to release a liquid. It’s analogous to needing to urinate. Maybe multiple glands all over the body. It feels like “pleasure,” but it’s just some liquid coming from a gland in the body that had to release excess hormones as a waste product. This hormone waste happens during ovulation and serves the purpose of procreation. But it also happens in response to any substances, manmade or natural, entering the body that behave like hormones. Xenohormones. Out of text….

Antigravity made from flowing electrified liquid gallium vortices

December 6, 2017

They didn’t like it that I was reading library books about electricity and was being inspired to talk about and think about what electron waves are and how they work, and it’s possible that some of my strange ideas resulted from the secondhand excreted drug residues from Blaire, but I know from experience that anytime I read a technically challenging book about science or mathematics it wakes up my mind and inspires me to have many ideas. It happens even without drugs.

The major gasoline loss incident also happened just after masturbation. This means I have to clarify my beliefs about masturbation, but it is very difficult to explain. Somebody, the mind controllers, believe that female masturbation is sufficient cause and excuse for men to spy on the woman using electronic weapons and technologies that see through walls. They think female masturbation is sufficient excuse for them to make a “moral judgment” of me, and attack me. The mere existence of female sexual arousal makes them believe it’s THEM that I want, rather than wanting nobody in particular due to the fact that my hormones go through an inevitable cycle of menstruation and ovulation, influenced partly by external sources such as whether I drink mainstream milk that has RBGH in it, or drink bottled Starbucks, or it once happened with Sierra Myst in plastic bottles – I do not know if it leached from the plastic bottle or if it was a secret ingredient or a known ingredient with secret effects. It was terrible when I ate fish eggs in a jar from a fish farm. They give the fish hormones. I attracted all my male coworkers that day and almost got raped/kissed by this one guy who had no self-control and was always touching women’s butts with his hand as he walked behind them, all of us.

Masturbation is not “fun.” As contradictory as it might sound, I believe masturbation is NOT SEXUAL. I know it’s hard to explain. It’s the same way nudity is not sexual – continuing………

ephedra, continuing

December 6, 2017

I wouldn’t have had ephedra covered clothing. But I was forced to go to WV and get my stuff, then come back to the tent and have to realize that the clothes were contaminated, and put them in a garbage bag, during a time when I could not easily take bags to the dumpster, so I kept the contaminated bag in my tent.

It cannot be washed out of clothing. Contaminated clothes go to the dumpster. I don’t even have enough money to buy clean clothes at goodwill right now. I’m still stuck working 28 hours because they didn’t increase my hours when I asked, and I’m not being allowed to make a decision about it. I had been in the process of reacquainting myself with doing my bills and paperwork and finances, just before this ephedra explosion happened. I can’t touch paperwork if it’s getting contaminated. I also can’t focus mentally because ephedra makes me obsessive even more than caffeine. The focus is extremely narrow instead of insightful. I already had secondhand psychiatric drugs on my green sweater after I hugged Blaire when I encountered her on the street in State College. That psych drug had already been influencing my mind prior to the ephedra explosion, and was causing sexual urges, and every time I masturbated, the attackers would put voices in my head threatening to kill me, and real world incidents were occurring every time I masturbated. The house break-in occurred after a masturbation incident where the voices began to say disgusting, stupid, threatening things. I have to use olive leaf pills to have an orgasm because that’s the only way I can do it while being attacked nonstop by electronic weapons. It’s the only way to make it so that what the voices say doesn’t matter. Blaire’s secondhand drug residues are probably what made the murderers think it was okay to ruin every single piece of warm clothing I own, because I wore all my layers and hats and scarves while unpacking, since I have no heat. They didn’t like it that I was talking about antigravity made from flowing electr

Disclaimer: right now I cannot type people with an EEG cap, so I am not sure my typings are correct

December 6, 2017

“They” argued that the McD coworker who was autistic might be an INTJ, not an ESTJ. It’s possible. I knew a blogger online who also was autistic and on drugs who said to me when I asked that he got INTJ on the test (but he didn’t believe in the test). I knew a girl in college who got INTJ and had severe eye deformities, who behaved in an almost autistic-like way. I knew people at State of the Art, Inc who seemed to be INTJs. Those are socionic benefactors to me. Benefactor relations are not always nice and positive. It’s possible the arrogant audio guy who showed lack of appropriate emotion might have been an INTJ, and maybe the “ESTJ” coworker might’ve been INTJ too. I don’t know, and won’t know until they’re under an EEG cap to tell me what their brain is doing.

I ruined every single warm item of clothing I own when the bag containing the WV ephedra covered shirt exploded. I was unpacking the bags, and avoiding the one bag that I KNEW had some ephedra clothing in it. But the voices were talking about ephedra in an abstract general way as though we were just talking about the subject in general, at the time when the bag was opened. They then claimed to have “warned” me, so as to be able to blame me for ignoring the warning. But it was not a warning. It was a general discussion. We could have been talking about the price of rice in China. They did not do anything to clarify that ephedra was in THIS bag in addition to the other bag that I knew it was in, so I kept thinking everything was okay if I would open THIS bag, because this wasn’t the one that had ephedra in it.

Ephedra vapor exploded and hit me in the face as soon as I opened the bag. I felt a heart palpitation instantly and then felt my pupils dilating. But the thoughts in my head were denial – I thought, or was forced to think, it was merely artificial sensations resulting from electronic weapon attacks. It wasn’t, and I know it wasn’t.

Another rule: sociopaths always send the most innocent people to do their dirty work

December 6, 2017

I’m reminded of something I listened to in audio the other day. I didn’t like it and don’t know how much I believe. There was a guy in audio only who claimed he had been in the secret space program. I disliked his personality – he seemed to be arrogant and had a huge ego, while seeming to not express appropriate emotion. He reminded me, in a way, of an autistic guy who I knew and grew to really like, ESTJ, my socionic mirror. I often have a very negative impression of my socionic mirror at first, but then they grow on me.

Jason & Eric’s dad Mike also seemed to be extremely arrogant, with nonstop talking and an inability to listen to others, but I thought he might be an ISTP like myself. I was more arrogant in the past. I control my diet and drugs in such a way as to reduce bad moods, but Mike had no knowledge of food induced moods and behavior.

Tangents. Anyway, this guy told stories which I wasn’t really listening to, because I was looking at other web pages at the time. There was a temple on another planet, and the aliens guarded it with a lethal trap that slammed down on the soldiers who were commanded to invade the temple. There had been an explicit agreement which they were violating. The sociopaths sent others to go get killed, not themselves. However, I might call them “less innocent” because they chose to be in the military. The other guy, Rodrigues or whatever, was taken as a slave.

Rodrigues, the slave (not the dislikeable arrogant guy), claimed the ant people on Mars cut his arm off and then read his mind to see that he was a slave who had been taken against his will. They made him remember home and told him “That’s who you really are.”

But electronic mind slavery is not so simple as merely being taken from your home. You still live at home, but cannot control your mind. I myself am a slave. My brain is being attacked and interfered with 24/7/365. I have extremely limited free will.

The gas monopoly loves thievery – it’s profit for them

December 6, 2017

They don’t want you to know the exact amount of gas in your tank, because every monopoly utility loves thievery and waste – it’s all profit. If a bad person steals from a desperate, good, obedient person, then the good person will do their duty, or do what they’re desperate to do, at their own expense.

I desperately need the truck to be able to drive around and go to work. No matter how much gas gets stolen from me, you can rely on me to buy more gas because I have to have it. So I might spend two or three times as much money on gas to support myself and the thief, because I am desperate. Ask yourself, WHY DOESN’T THE GAS GAUGE TELL US THE EXACT QUANTITY OF GAS IN THE TANK? Why? Is it because it’s physically impossible to make a gas gauge that tells us an exact number? Why doesn’t my gas cap lock with a key? I had other vehicles with a key on the gas cap. It’s not because it’s impossible or too expensive. It’s because of VALUES AND PRIORITIES combined with cooperation with thieves and a deliberate plan to waste as much gas as possible. The more that gets wasted, the more a desperate obedient person will dutifully buy just to keep working at the slave job.

The gas monopoly infiltrates the zoning commission so that the community is designed to force you to drive long distances to your job. You’re not allowed to live in the location where you work. You’re not allowed to have outdoor markets within walking distance of your house. Even if you want to choose to reside on the same piece of land as the office you’re employed in, you’re not allowed to. It violates zoning laws. The gasoline company conspires to design our community so that people are forced to waste the maximum possible amount of gasoline. Just as my gas heater vents heat to the outside whilst expelling the toxic exhaust. Don’t bother redesigning it to capture that heat – the more heat wasted, the more a desperate and obedient person has to buy. We need heat. Don’t bother insulating

Other problems, continued

December 6, 2017

I know about mind control. If there were a lethal trap or an extremely painful trap to catch whoever stole my gas, the way I wanted to get a bear trap years ago when the harassment was happening before – a bear trap would be perfect – it would cause agonizing pain. It would be even better if he started screaming helplessly while caught in the act, with his fingers superglued to my gas cap door and a siphon in his hand, in the middle of the night, and he had to beg someone to get him out of the trap. It should cause agonizing nonstop pain for hours.

I’m going to just try parking it so the gas cap is in view of the trail cam, but these reactive measures aren’t enough. He needs to be stopped because if it isn’t one thing it will be another thing. It’s a white nigger. The people who have forced me to talk about racism have made the impression that *only* black people can be niggers. I’m in an almost-all-white rural farm area. It’s not an African committing these crimes.

Anyway, mind control – if I set a lethal trap, then surely the mind controllers would make the guilty ones avoid it, and would send a decent innocent person to get killed in the trap.

Rule #1 of mind control is, “It’s never just an accident.” I do actually often break that rule – I always assume a contradictory rule, which is, “The mind controllers are not omnipotent or omniscient.” So really, accidents *do* happen at random. But certain things in certain situations are done by mind controllers and are made to seem like accidents.

The day before yesterday I was opening bags of stuff that hasn’t been unpacked, and I opened a bag with a shirt covered in ephedra, from when I visited WV and put my belongings in storage. That wasn’t an accident – my dad was mind controlled to throw that computer emonitor away, which forced me to panic and go try to get my stuff. It was in permanent storage there, but now I can’t even go to my storage unit out of fear of ephedra, and it’s $50 a month. Continued….

Fixed the sliding door; have a few more unfixed problems

December 6, 2017

“A few” is an understatement. I’m pretty sure someone stole gas out of my tank a few days ago. I thought I had plenty when I parked it (“plenty” means about $15 of gas, which I’m putting in every few days), and my odometer gets up to the 60s at least before it beeps to tell me the gas is low. It suddenly beeped the next day at about 40 something miles. The tank had less left in it. Now yesterday it had *slightly* less in it than I expected it to, but not such a huge obvious amount.

In the middle of the night last night, I was awake and heard a thump like the sound the gas cap door makes when you shut it. So I now will have to park the truck so that the gas door faces Denise’s trail cam, which might be a challenge to do. Her trail cam is facing my house door, at an angle, and it will be possible to get the truck in its view, but I’ll have to park in a weird place. It is very hard to park backwards, and I will probably have to back into my spot.

I’m not confident enough about the loss of gas to tell them about it. But the door of my house that day did not blow itself open and shut itself again.

Gas tank gauges aren’t designed to let you know *exactly* how much gas is in them. I remember being told that the shape of the gas tank might change the rate at which the floater rises and falls with respect to the gas volume. And so there might not be an exactly linear relation between the position of the gauge needle and the volume of the tank.

I need something that will be lethal to anyone else who opens the gas cap door except me. I have to be able to disable it before I open it, or know how to counteract it. I don’t care about getting it on camera. He’ll stop doing it if I park it in front of the trail cam. I don’t want him to stop doing it before I get the chance to kill him. I just want a dead body lying on the ground next to my truck so I can laugh at whoever tried to steal my gas.

Out of text, more later.